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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Constant Couple
+       or, A Trip to the Jubilee
+
+
+Author: George Farquhar
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 18, 2010  [eBook #32419]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustration.
+      See 32419-h.htm or 32419-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32419/32419-h/32419-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32419/32419-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONSTANT COUPLE;
+
+Or,
+
+A Trip to the Jubilee;
+
+A Comedy, in Five Acts;
+
+by
+
+GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ.
+
+As Performed at the Theatres Royal,
+Drury Lane and Covent Garden.
+
+Printed Under the Authority of the Managers
+from the Prompt Book.
+
+With remarks by Mrs. Inchbald.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London:
+Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme,
+Paternoster Row.
+
+William Savage, Printer,
+London.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+George Farquhar, the author of this comedy, was the son of a clergyman
+in the north of Ireland. He was born in the year 1678, discovered an
+early taste for literature, and wrote poetic stanzas at ten years of
+age.
+
+In 1694 he was sent to Trinity College, Dublin, and there made such
+progress in his studies as to acquire considerable reputation. But he
+was volatile and poor--the first misfortune led him to expense; the
+second, to devise means how to support his extravagance.
+
+The theatre has peculiar charms for men of letters. Whether as a subject
+of admiration or animadversion, it is still a source of high amusement;
+and here Farquhar fixed his choice of a profession, in the united
+expectations of pleasure and of profit--he appeared on the stage as an
+actor, and was disappointed of both.
+
+The author of this licentious comedy is said to have possessed the
+advantages of person, manners, and elocution, to qualify him for an
+actor; but that he could never overcome his natural timidity. Courage
+is a whimsical virtue. It acts upon one man so as to make him expose
+his whole body to danger, whilst he dares not venture into the
+slightest peril one sentiment of his mind. Such is often the soldier's
+valour.--Another trembles to expose his person either to a wound or to
+the eye of criticism, and yet will dare to publish every thought that
+ever found entrance into his imagination. Such is often the valour of a
+poet.
+
+Farquhar, abashed on exhibiting his person upon the stage, sent boldly
+thither his most indecorous thoughts, and was rewarded for his audacity.
+
+In the year 1700 he brought out this comedy of "The Constant Couple; or,
+A Trip to the Jubilee." It was then the Jubilee year at Rome, and the
+author took advantage of that occurrence to render the title of his
+drama popular; for which cause alone it must be supposed he made any
+thing in his play refer to that festival, as no one material point is in
+any shape connected with it.
+
+At the time Farquhar was a performer, a sincere friendship was formed
+between him and Wilks, the celebrated fine gentleman of the stage--for
+him, Farquhar wrote the character of Sir Harry Wildair; and Wilks, by
+the very admirable manner in which he supported the part, divided with
+the author those honours which the first appearance of the work obtained
+him.
+
+As a proof that this famed actor's abilities, in the representation of
+the fine gentlemen of his day, were not over-rated, no actor, since he
+quitted the stage, has been wholly successful in the performance of this
+character; and, from Wilks down to the present time, the part has only
+been supported, with celebrity, by women.
+
+The noted Mrs. Woffington was highly extolled in Sir Harry; and Mrs.
+Jordan has been no less admired and attractive.
+
+But it must be considered as a disgrace to the memory of the men of
+fashion, of the period in which Wildair was brought on the stage, that
+he has ever since been justly personated, by no other than the female
+sex. In this particular, at least, the present race of fashionable
+beaux cannot be said to have degenerated; for, happily, they can be
+represented by men.
+
+The love story of Standard and Lurewell, in this play, is interesting to
+the reader, though, in action, an audience scarcely think of either of
+them; or of any one in the drama, with whom the hero is not positively
+concerned. Yet these two lovers, it would seem, love with all the
+usual ardour and constancy of gallants and mistresses in plays and
+novels--unfortunately, with the same short memories too! Authors, and
+some who do not generally deal in wonders, often make persons, the most
+tenderly attached to each other, so easily forget the shape, the air,
+the every feature of the dear beloved, as to pass, after a few years
+separation, whole days together, without the least conjecture that each
+is the very object of the other's search! Whilst all this surprising
+forgetfulness possesses them, as to the figure, face, and mind of him or
+her whom they still adore, show either of them but a ring, a bracelet,
+a mole, a scar, and here remembrance instantly occupies its place,
+and both are immediately inspired with every sensation which first
+testified their mutual passion. Still the sober critic must arraign the
+strength of this love with the shortness of its recollection; and charge
+the renewal of affection for objects that no longer appear the same, to
+fickleness rather than to constancy.
+
+The biographers of Farquhar, who differ in some articles concerning him,
+all agree that he was married, in the year 1704, to a lady, who was so
+violently in love with him, that, despairing to win him by her own
+attractions, she contrived a vast scheme of imposition, by which she
+allured him into wedlock, with the full conviction that he had married a
+woman of immense fortune.
+
+The same biographers all bestow the highest praise upon poor Farquhar
+for having treated this wife with kindness; humanely forgiving the fault
+which had deprived him of that liberty he was known peculiarly to prize,
+and reduced him to the utmost poverty, in order to support her and her
+children.
+
+This woman, whose pretended love was of such fatal import to its object,
+not long enjoyed her selfish happiness--her husband's health gradually
+declined, and he died four years after his marriage. It is related that
+he met death with fortitude and cheerfulness. He could scarcely do
+otherwise, when life had become a burden to him. He had, however, some
+objects of affection to leave behind, as appears by the following
+letter, which he wrote a few days before his decease, and directed to
+his friend Wilks:--
+
+"DEAR BOB,
+
+"I have not any thing to leave you to perpetuate my memory, except two
+helpless girls; look upon them sometimes, and think of him that was, to
+the last moment of his life, thine,
+
+                                                    "GEORGE FARQUHAR."
+
+Wilks protected the children--their mother died in extreme indigence.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
+
+                     DRURY LANE.              COVENT GARDEN.
+
+ SIR HARRY WILDAIR   _Mr. Elliston._          _Mr. Lewis._
+ ALDERM. SMUGGLER    _Mr. Dowton._            _Mr. Quick._
+ COLONEL STANDARD    _Mr. Barrymore._         _Mr. Farren._
+ CLINCHER, JUN.      _Mr. Collins._           _Mr. Blanchard._
+ BEAU CLINCHER       _Mr. Bannister._         _Mr. Cubitt._
+ VIZARD              _Mr. Holland._           _Mr. Macready._
+ TOM ERRAND          _Mr. Wewitzer._          _Mr. Powell._
+ DICKY               _Mr. Purser._            _Mr. Simmons._
+ CONSTABLE           _Mr. Maddocks._          _Mr. Thompson._
+ SERVANTS            _Mr. Fisher, &c._
+
+ LADY LUREWELL       _Mrs. Powell._           _Miss Chapman._
+ LADY DARLING        _Miss Tidswell._         _Miss Platt._
+ ANGELICA            _Miss Mellon._           _Mrs. Mountain._
+ PARLY               _Mrs. Scott._            _Miss Stuart._
+ TOM ERRAND'S WIFE   _Mrs. Maddocks._
+
+ _SCENE--London._
+
+
+
+
+THE
+CONSTANT COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_The Park_
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD _with a Letter, his_ SERVANT _following_.
+
+
+_Vizard._ Angelica send it back unopened! say you?
+
+_Serv._ As you see, sir?
+
+_Vizard._ The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than
+the immodesty of prostitutes--After all my encouragement, to slight me
+thus!
+
+_Serv._ She said, sir, that imagining your morals sincere, she gave you
+access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company
+has convinced her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, and
+that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and
+foul within; so sent it back unopened.
+
+_Vizard._ May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it.--I'll be
+revenged the very first opportunity.----Saw you the old Lady Darling,
+her mother?
+
+_Serv._ Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in your commendation.
+
+_Vizard._ That's my cue----An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted
+out; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is
+only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [_Aside._] Run to the Lady
+Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home
+this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.
+
+     [_Exit_ SERVANT. VIZARD _pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about_.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his
+meditation so early; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure.
+
+_Vizard._ This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [_Aside._] Oh, uncle
+Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' town is a miracle.
+
+_Smug._ I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it, pray, sir?
+
+_Smug._ A man at his devotion so near the court--I'm very glad, boy,
+that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very
+air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of
+atheism.
+
+_Vizard._ Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this
+unsanctified end of the town.
+
+_Smug._ A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it?
+
+_Smug._ A lawsuit, boy--Shall I tell you?--My ship, the Swan, is newly
+arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent
+rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in
+Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute----Oh, conscience!
+conscience! these tide-waiters and surveyors plague us more than the
+war--Ay, there's another plague of the nation--
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A red coat and cockade.
+
+_Vizard._ Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ May be not, sir.
+
+_Vizard._ Why so?
+
+_Colonel S._ Because----I'm disbanded.
+
+_Vizard._ How! Broke?
+
+_Colonel S._ This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a
+thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and
+looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.
+
+_Smug._ Tal, al deral. [_Singing._] I'll have a bonfire this night as
+high as the monument.
+
+_Colonel S._ A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those
+brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere
+this, about your ears.----Did we not venture our lives, sir?
+
+_Smug._ And did we not pay for your lives, sir?--Venture your lives! I'm
+sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.----Sir,
+we'll maintain you no longer.
+
+_Colonel S._ Then your wives shall, old Actæon. There are five and
+thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in
+the city.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months,
+born with a leading staff in his hand.----Sir, you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Disbanded, sir, that's all----I see my lawyer yonder.   [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why so? I don't come to borrow money of you; if you're my
+friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a
+health to my king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary
+to-morrow morning.
+
+_Vizard._ What! you won't leave us?
+
+_Colonel S._ What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of
+colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no----I met yesterday
+a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but
+wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his
+sword.
+
+_Vizard._ Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder
+brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!
+
+_Vizard._ But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for
+volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly
+hear it at the walls of Buda.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at
+home--Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and
+courage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the
+fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess--I
+warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling--Had I used the stratagem
+of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.
+
+_Vizard._ What was it, pray?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always
+turned his back upon the enemy.--He was a man of honour for the ladies.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you
+must get a mistress.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pr'ythee, no more on't--You have awakened a thought, from
+which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.----To be
+plain, I have a mistress.
+
+_Vizard._ And she's cruel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No.
+
+_Vizard._ Her parents prevent your happiness?
+
+_Colonel S._ Not that.
+
+_Vizard._ Then she has no fortune?
+
+_Colonel S._ A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, and virtue to
+beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature!
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, _crosses the Stage singing, with_ FOOTMEN
+_after him_.
+
+Heyday! who the devil have we here?
+
+_Vizard._ The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry
+Wildair, newly come from Paris.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or
+four years ago?
+
+_Vizard._ The same.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, he behaved himself very bravely.
+
+_Vizard._ Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's
+a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has
+had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers,
+and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by
+misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining
+to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of
+humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be
+hated by any; as you shall see.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought
+thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.--Sir, if I
+mistake not your face, your name is Standard?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' town, for I'm just
+arrived.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing the knave, to
+get estates.
+
+_Colonel S._ And in the court end playing the fool, in spending them.
+
+_Sir H._ Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so modish.
+
+_Vizard._ We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken for vice.
+
+_Colonel S._ And hypocrisy for religion.
+
+_Sir H._ A-la-mode de Paris again.
+
+_Vizard._ Nothing like an oath in the city.
+
+_Colonel S._ That's a mistake; for my major swore a hundred and fifty
+last night to a merchant's wife in her bed-chamber.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. What lord has
+lately broke his fortune at the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for
+the loss of a race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons
+for alimony: or what daughter run away with her father's valet? What
+beau gave the noblest ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town?
+I want news, gentlemen.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.
+
+_Vizard._ But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of your travels.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.--You must know, then, I went over to
+Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went from thence to Landen, where I was
+heartily drubbed in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I
+thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, bought half a
+dozen new suits, fought a couple of duels, and here I am again _in statu
+quo_.
+
+_Vizard._ But we heard that you designed to make the tour of Italy: what
+brought you back so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ That which brought you into the world, and may perhaps carry
+you out of it;--a woman.
+
+_Colonel S._ What! quit the pleasures of travel for a woman?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather see her _ruelle_
+than the palace of Louis le Grand. There's more glory in her smile, than
+in the jubilee at Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the Pope's
+toe.
+
+_Vizard._ You, colonel, have been very lavish in the beauty and virtue
+of your mistress; and Sir Harry here has been no less eloquent in the
+praise of his. Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that neither
+of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous, as mine.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis done.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll double the stakes--But, gentlemen, now I think on't, how
+shall we be resolved? For I know not where my mistress may be found; she
+left Paris about a month before me, and I had an account----
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir! left Paris about a month before you?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged somewhere in St.
+James's.
+
+_Vizard._ How! somewhere in St. James's say you?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps may'nt find her this
+fortnight.
+
+_Colonel S._ Her name, pray, Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.
+
+_Sir H._ Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest hand that ever was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her neck and----
+
+_Vizard._ But her name, sir? her quality?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her shape, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name I want, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her eyes, Vizard!
+
+_Colonel S._ Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!
+
+_Sir H._ Then if you must have it, she's called the Lady----But then
+her foot, gentlemen! she dances to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly
+lost your wager.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, you have certainly lost your senses; we shall never
+discover the picture, unless you subscribe the name.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her name is Lurewell.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath! my mistress!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ My mistress, by Jupiter!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ Do you know her, gentlemen?
+
+_Colonel S._ I have seen her, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your humble servant, sir.                          [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and will know.
+                                                            [_Runs out._
+
+_Vizard._ The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves her: but she loves
+me.----But he's a baronet, and I plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I
+walk on foot; I was bred in London, and he in Paris.----That very
+circumstance has murdered me----Then some stratagem must be laid to
+divert his pretensions.
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so out of humour?
+
+_Vizard._ Because he's out of pay, I suppose.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust some rivalship
+in the case.
+
+_Vizard._ And suppose there were, you know the colonel can fight, Sir
+Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Pshaw--but he cannot dance, ha!--We contend for a woman,
+Vizard. 'Slife, man, if ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol
+only, what the devil should all we beaux do?
+
+_Vizard._ I'll try him farther. [_Aside._] But would not you, Sir Harry,
+fight for this woman you so much admire?
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Let me consider. I love her----that's true;----but then
+I love honest Sir Harry Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely
+charming----right----but then a thrust i' the guts, or a Middlesex jury,
+is as ugly as the devil.
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for a beau baronet to
+be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling, bartering boobies, who would
+hang you, purely because you're a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money enough to bribe the
+rogues with: so, upon mature deliberation, I would fight for her. But no
+more of her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a friend to a pretty
+mistress by the bye, till I can find my own? You have store, I'm sure;
+you cunning poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt open and
+fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me consider a little.--Now love and revenge inspire my
+politics!                                                      [_Aside._
+
+     [_Pauses whilst_ SIR HARRY _walks, singing_.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new mistress, than a
+waiter would be in drawing fifty corks.
+
+_Vizard._ I design you good wine; you'll therefore bear a little
+expectation.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Now nineteen thousand blessings light on thee.
+
+_Vizard._ Pretty and witty.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Her name! yes--she has the softest, whitest hand that e'er was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Sir H._ Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?
+
+_Vizard._ Find her!--but then her foot, Sir Harry! she dances to a
+miracle.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me.
+
+_Vizard._ Well then, you must know, that this lady is the greatest
+beauty in town; her name's Angelica: she that passes for her mother is
+a private bawd, and called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's
+lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry) I assure you.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street, what house?
+
+_Vizard._ Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my passport for your
+admittance, and you'll find my recommendation in a line or two will
+procure you very civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces
+handsomely placed, will gain the point.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity! Here, sirrah, order
+my carriage about to St. James's; I'll walk across the park.
+                                                      [_To his_ SERVANT.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+_Clinch._ Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St. James's, I'll walk
+across the park too--Mr. Vizard, your most devoted--Sir, [_To_ WILDAIR.]
+I admire the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs very
+emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it: your sword-knot too
+is most ornamentally modish, and bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my
+brother is just arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss
+his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure of, gentlemen,
+your most devoted, and most faithful humble servant.            [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, dost know him?
+
+_Vizard._ Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was apprentice to my uncle
+Smuggler, the merchant in the city.
+
+_Sir H._ What makes him so gay?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, he's in mourning.
+
+_Sir H._ In mourning?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, for his father. The kind old man in Hertfordshire t'other
+day broke his neck a fox-hunting; the son, upon the news, has broke
+his indentures; whipped from behind the counter into the side-box. He
+keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings, leash of mistresses,
+talks of nothing but wines, intrigues, plays, fashions, and going to the
+jubilee.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil must the fellow use in
+sweetening himself from the smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!--I' my
+conscience methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street.
+But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll to the prince's
+chocolate-house, where you shall write my passport. _Allons._
+                                                              [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL, _and her Maid_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Parly, my pocket-book--let me see--Madrid, Paris, Venice,
+London!--Ay, London! They may talk what they will of the hot countries,
+but I find love most fruitful under this climate----In a month's space
+have I gained--let me see, imprimis, Colonel Standard.
+
+_Parly._ And how will your ladyship manage him?
+
+_Lady L._ As all soldiers should be managed; he shall serve me till I
+gain my ends, then I'll disband him.
+
+_Parly._ But he loves you, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Therefore I scorn him;
+  I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;
+  'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,
+  Thus would I slight them all.
+  My virgin and unwary innocence
+  Was wrong'd by faithless man;
+  But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,
+  Lie tongue, and
+  Plague the treacherous kind.----
+  Let me survey my captives.----
+  The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,
+  He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"
+  Therefore is a hypocrite;
+  Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,
+  And is consequently a fool;
+  Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,
+He's a compound of both;--out of which medley of lovers, if I don't make
+good diversion----What d'ye think, Parly?
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous in your service,
+if you teach me all those tricks that you use to your lovers.
+
+_Lady L._ You're a fool, child; observe this, that though a woman swear,
+forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite, be proud, vain, malicious, any
+thing, if she secures the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a
+maxim.
+
+_Parly._ I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but that you really loved
+Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.
+
+_Lady L._ Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my greatest plague, for I
+could never make him uneasy: I left him involved in a duel upon my
+account: I long to know whether the fop be killed or not.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is conjured up.
+You're upon hard duty, colonel, to serve your king, your country, and a
+mistress too.
+
+_Colonel S._ The latter, I must confess, is the hardest; for in war,
+madam, we can be relieved in our duty; but in love, he, who would take
+our post, is our enemy; emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals
+here intolerable.
+
+_Lady L._ Those that bear away the prize in arms, should boast the same
+success in love; and, I think, considering the weakness of our sex, we
+should make those our companions who can be our champions.
+
+_Colonel S._ I once, madam, hoped the honour of defending you from all
+injuries, through a title to your lovely person; but now my love must
+attend my fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport to the fair;
+adding a nobleness to my passion, it stamped a value on my love; 'twas
+once the life of honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must my
+love be buried.
+
+_Parly._ What? disbanded, Colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of poverty already.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ His misfortune troubles me, because it may prevent my designs.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy my passion by absence
+abroad, than have it starved at home.
+
+_Lady L._ I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion of my affection,
+as to imagine it founded upon your fortune. And, to convince you of your
+mistake, here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same affection now
+as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is considerable.
+
+_Colonel S._ No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge to her I love!
+The man, that sells himself for gold, is the worst of prostitutes.
+
+_Lady L._ Now, were he any other creature but a man, I could love him.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ This only last request I make, that no title recommend a
+fool, no office introduce a knave, nor red coat a coward, to my place
+in your affections; so farewell my country, and adieu my love.  [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: here, Parly,
+call him back, I shall lose half my diversion else. Now for a trial of
+skill.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do you take your journey?
+
+_Colonel S._ To-morrow morning, early, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel?
+
+_Colonel S._ That I can't yet resolve on.
+
+_Lady L._ Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat you; why are you so
+obstinate?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why are you so curious, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ Because----
+
+_Colonel S._ What?
+
+_Lady L._ Because, I, I----
+
+_Colonel S._ Because, what, madam?--Pray tell me.
+
+_Lady L._ Because I design to follow you.                     [_Crying._
+
+_Colonel S._ Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before.
+Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards
+of a camp!--Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and
+worst of fortune.
+
+_Lady L._ You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient.
+
+_Colonel S._ Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one
+myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine; I'll tip my tongue
+with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer,
+office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee,
+my generous fair.
+
+_Lady L._ And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll
+reward thy love, and recompense thy noble passion.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! Rather
+kiss her hand than the Pope's toe; ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady L._ What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir Harry?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ What! is he come over?
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, and he told me--but I don't believe a syllable on't----
+
+_Lady L._ What did he tell you?
+
+_Colonel S._ Only called you his mistress; and pretending to be
+extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of
+his own judgment and good fortune in a choice.
+
+_Lady L._ How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our sex!
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.
+
+_Lady L._ On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he
+danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever
+since he has so persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading,
+flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom.
+----And I warrant you he made you jealous?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.
+
+_Lady L._ You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll send him back all his
+foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them:
+'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his
+further impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. I'll run and
+fetch them instantly.                                           [_Exit._
+
+_Colonel S._ Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall I bait him, like
+Actæon, with his own dogs.----Well, Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of
+parliament, that you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis provided by the same act, that you send no more messages
+by me, good Colonel; you must not presume to send any more letters,
+unless you can pay the postage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, don't be mercenary; take example by your lady,
+be honourable.
+
+_Parly._ A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and haughty for us to
+imitate our betters in their honour, as in their finery; leave honour to
+nobility that can support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence
+to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should be cashiered with
+your leading-staff.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty to be the jest
+of chambermaids!
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole magazine of love's
+artillery.                                      [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Colonel S._ Which, since I have gained, I will turn upon the enemy.
+Madam, I'll bring you the news of my victory this evening. Poor Sir
+Harry, ha! ha! ha!                                              [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ To the right about as you were; march, Colonel. Ha! ha! ha!
+  Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles!
+  Nature in us, your deepest art beguiles,
+  Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles.
+  You toil for art, your intellects you trace;
+  Woman, without a thought, bears policy in her face.         [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+CLINCHER JUNIOR'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR, _opening a Letter_; SERVANT _following_.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [Reads.] _Dear Brother--I will see you presently: I have
+sent this lad to wait on you; he can instruct you in the fashions of the
+town. I am your affectionate brother_,                CLINCHER.
+Very well; and what's your name, sir?
+
+_Dicky._ My name is Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Dicky!
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very well; a pretty name! And what can you do, Mr. Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick up a whore.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why, are there many in this
+town?
+
+_Dicky._ Ha! ha! ha! many! there's a question, indeed!----Harkye, sir;
+do you see that woman there, in the pink cloak and white feathers.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir! what then?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, she shall be at your service in three minutes, as I'm a
+pimp.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a gentlewoman.
+
+_Dicky._ A gentlewoman! Why so they are all in town, sir.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER _senior_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother, you're welcome to London.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I thought, brother, you owed so much to the memory of my
+father, as to wear mourning for his death.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because I have the
+estate; and you wear that, because you have not the estate. You have
+cause to mourn, indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you;
+fare you well.                                                 [_Going._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Stay, stay, brother.----Where are you going?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How natural 'tis for a country booby to ask impertinent
+questions!--Harkye, sir; is not my father dead?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, ay, to my sorrow.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No matter for that, he's dead; and am not I a young,
+powdered, extravagant English heir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very right, sir.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why then, sir, you may be sure that I am going to the
+Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Jubilee! What's that?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Jubilee! Why, the Jubilee is----'Faith I don't know what
+it is.
+
+_Dicky._ Why, the Jubilee is the same thing as our Lord Mayor's day in
+the city; there will be pageants, and squibs, and raree-shows, and all
+that, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ And must you go so soon, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, sir; for I must stay a month at Amsterdam, to study
+poetry.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then I suppose, brother, you travel through Muscovy, to
+learn fashions; don't you, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother! Pr'ythee, Robin, don't call me brother; sir will
+do every jot as well.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because people will imagine you have a spite at me.--But
+have you seen your cousin Angelica yet, and her mother, the Lady
+Darling?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No; my dancing-master has not been with me yet. How shall
+I salute them, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two scrapes, a kiss, and
+your humble servant. I'll tell you more when I come from the Jubilee.
+Come along.                                                   [_Exeunt._
+
+
+  [Illustration: SIR HARRY WILDAIR.--HERE IS A NEST OF THE PRETTIEST
+  GOLDFINCHES, THAT EVER CHIRPED IN A CAGE. ACT. II. SCENE. II.]
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _with a Letter_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Like light and heat, incorporate we lay;
+ We bless'd the night, and curs'd the coming day.
+
+Well, if this paper kite flies sure, I'm secure of my game----Humph!--the
+prettiest _bourdel_ I have seen; a very stately genteel one----
+
+FOOTMEN _cross the Stage_.
+
+Heyday! equipage too!----'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've mistaken the house!
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+No, this must be the bawd, by her dignity.
+
+_Lady D._ Your business, pray, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Pleasure, madam.
+
+_Lady D._ Then, sir, you have no business here.
+
+_Sir H._ This letter, madam, will inform you farther. Mr. Vizard sent
+it, with his humble service to your ladyship.
+
+_Lady D._ How does my cousin, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, her cousin, too! that's right procuress again.    [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ [Reads.] _Madam----Earnest inclination to serve----Sir
+Harry----Madam----court my cousin----Gentleman----fortune_----
+                       _Your ladyships most humble servant_, VIZARD.
+Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend you any where;
+but what goes farther with me is the recommendation of so sober and
+pious a young gentleman as my cousin Vizard.
+
+_Sir H._ A right sanctified bawd o' my word!                   [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr. Vizard argues you a
+gentleman, free from the loose and vicious carriage of the town. I shall
+therefore call my daughter.                                     [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now go thy way for an illustrious bawd of Babylon:--she dresses
+up a sin so religiously, that the devil would hardly know it of his
+making.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _with_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such matches don't offer
+every day.      [_Exit_ LADY DARL.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel!--'Sdeath, what money have
+I got in my pocket? I can't offer her less than twenty guineas----and,
+by Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.
+
+_Ang._ 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as agreeable as his
+character of good humour.----Pray Heaven his silence proceed from
+respect!
+
+_Sir H._ How innocent she looks! How would that modesty adorn virtue,
+when it makes even vice look so charming!----By Heaven, there's such a
+commanding innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask the question!
+
+_Ang._ Now, all the charms of real love and feigned indifference assist
+me to engage his heart; for mine is lost already.
+
+_Sir H._ Madam--I--I----Zouns, I cannot speak to her!--Oh, hypocrisy!
+hypocrisy! what a charming sin art thou!
+
+_Ang._ He is caught; now to secure my conquest--I thought, sir, you had
+business to communicate.
+
+_Sir H._ Business to communicate! How nicely she words it!----Yes,
+madam, I have a little business to communicate. Don't you love
+singing-birds, madam?
+
+_Ang._ That's an odd question for a lover--Yes, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, here's a nest of the prettiest goldfinches
+that ever chirp'd in a cage; twenty young ones, I assure you, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Twenty young ones! What then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why then, madam, there are----twenty young ones----'Slife, I
+think twenty is pretty fair.
+
+_Ang._ He's mad, sure!----Sir Harry, when you have learned more wit and
+manners, you shall be welcome here again.                       [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive there is a great deal
+of wit and manners in twenty guineas--I'm sure 'tis all the wit and
+manners I have about me at present. What shall I do?
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+What the devil's here? Another cousin, I warrant ye!--Harkye, sir, can
+you lend me ten or a dozen guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for
+them in three hours, upon my honour.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ These London sparks are plaguy impudent! This fellow, by
+his assurance, can be no less than a courtier.
+
+_Dicky._ He's rather a courtier by his borrowing.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ 'Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas about me.
+
+_Sir H._ What business have you here then, sir?--For, to my knowledge,
+twenty won't be sufficient.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Sufficient! for what, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ What, sir! Why, for that, sir; what the devil should it be,
+sir? I know your business, notwithstanding all your gravity, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ My business! Why, my cousin lives here.
+
+_Sir H._ I know your cousin does live here, and Vizard's cousin, and
+every body's cousin----Harkye, sir, I shall return immediately; and if
+you offer to touch her till I come back, I shall cut your throat,
+rascal.     [_Exit._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Why, the man's mad, sure!
+
+_Dicky._ Mad, sir! Ay----Why, he's a beau.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A beau! What's that? Are all madmen
+beaux?
+
+_Dicky._ No, sir; but most beaux are madmen.--But now for your cousin.
+Remember your three scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Street._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, COLONEL STANDARD _following_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry! Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ I am in haste, Colonel; besides, if you're in no better humour
+than when I parted with you in the park this morning, your company won't
+be very agreeable.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're a happy man, Sir Harry, who are never out of humour.
+Can nothing move your gall, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing but impossibilities, which are the same as nothing.
+
+_Colonel S._ What impossibilities?
+
+_Sir H._ The resurrection of my father to disinherit me, or an act of
+parliament against wenching. A man of eight thousand pounds _per annum_
+to be vexed! No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger
+brothers.
+
+_Colonel S._ Suppose one called you a son of a whore behind your back.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then would I call him rascal behind his back; so we're
+even.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you had lost a mistress.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then I would get another.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you were discarded by the woman you love; that
+would surely trouble you.
+
+_Sir H._ You're mistaken, Colonel; my love is neither romantically
+honourable, nor meanly mercenary; 'tis only a pitch of gratitude: while
+she loves me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's void.
+
+_Colonel S._ But to be mistaken in your opinion, sir; if the Lady
+Lurewell (only suppose it) had discarded you--I say, only suppose
+it----and had sent your discharge by me.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! that's another impossibility.
+
+_Colonel S._ Are you sure of that?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why, we are finger and glove,
+sir. She dances with me, sings with me, plays with me, swears with me,
+lies with me.
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ I mean in an honourable way; that is, she lies for me. In
+short, we are as like one another as a couple of guineas.
+
+_Colonel S._ Now that I have raised you to the highest pinnacle of
+vanity, will I give you so mortifying a fall, as shall dash your hopes
+to pieces.--I pray your honour to peruse these papers.
+                                                [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Sir H._ What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No, no, 'tis a list of your forces in your last love
+campaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, good metaphorical colonel, what d'ye mean?
+
+_Colonel S._ Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's leaves, that will
+unfold your destiny.
+
+_Sir H._ So it be not a false deed to cheat me of my estate, what care
+I--[_Opening the Packet._] Humph! my hand!--_To the Lady Lurewell_--_To
+the Lady Lurewell_--_To the Lady Lurewell_--What the devil hast thou
+been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits?
+
+_Colonel S._ A certain familiar of your acquaintance, sir. Read, read.
+
+_Sir H._ [Reading.] _Madam, my passion----so natural----your beauty
+contending----force of charms----mankind----eternal admirer_, WILDAIR.
+--I ne'er was ashamed of my name before.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, Sir Harry Wildair out of humour! ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir
+Harry! More glory in her smile than in the Jubilee at Rome; ha! ha! ha!
+But then her foot, Sir Harry; she dances to a miracle! ha! ha! ha! Fie,
+Sir Harry; a man of your parts write letters not worth keeping!
+
+_Sir H._ Now, why should I be angry that a woman is a woman? Since
+inconstancy and falsehood are grounded in their natures, how can they
+help it?--Here's a copy of verses too: I must turn poet, in the devil's
+name--Stay--'Sdeath, what's here?--This is her hand----Oh, the charming
+characters!--[Reading.]--_My dear Wildair_,--That's I, 'egad!--_This
+huff-bluff Colonel_--that's he--_is the rarest fool in nature_--the
+devil he is!--_and as such have I used him_.--With all my heart,
+'faith!--_I had no better way of letting you know that I lodge in Pall
+Mall_--LUREWELL.----Colonel, I am your most humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ Hold, sir, you shan't go yet; I ha'n't delivered half my
+message.
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my faith, but you have, colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, well, own your spleen; out with it; I know you're
+like to burst.
+
+_Sir H._ I am so, 'egad; ha! ha! ha!  [_Laugh and point at one another._
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, with all my heart; ha! ha! Well, well, that's forced,
+Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ I was never better pleased in all my life, by Jupiter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide your concern, when
+there's no help for it. But, to be serious, now; the lady has sent you
+back all your papers there----I was so just as not to look upon them.
+
+_Sir H._ I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some things that I would not
+have you see.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this she has done for my sake; and I desire you would
+decline any further pretensions for your own sake. So, honest,
+goodnatured Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.                 [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! poor colonel! Oh, the delight of an ingenious
+mistress! what a life and briskness it adds to an amour.--A legerdemain
+mistress, who, _presto_! _pass_! and she's vanished; then _hey_! in an
+instant in your arms again.                                    [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Well met, Sir Harry--what news from the island of love?
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, we made but a broken voyage by your chart; but now I am
+bound for another port: I told you the colonel was my rival.
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel--curs'd misfortune! another.             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ But the civilest in the world; he brought me word where my
+mistress lodges. The story's too long to tell you now, for I must fly.
+
+_Vizard._ What, have you given over all thoughts of Angelica?
+
+_Sir H._ No, no; I'll think of her some other time. But now for the Lady
+Lurewell. Wit and beauty calls.
+
+  That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+  Her little amorous frauds all truths excel,
+  And make us happy, being deceived so well.                    [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel my rival too!----How shall I manage? There is but
+one way----him and the knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts
+t'other's throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be two rivals
+pretty decently disposed of.                                    [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Has my servant brought me the money from my merchant?
+
+_Parly._ No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler at Charing-Cross, who has
+promised to wait on you himself immediately.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend to love me, and at
+the same time cheat me of my money.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of your estate; for
+you say the writings are in his hands.
+
+_Lady L._ But what satisfaction can I get of him?----Oh! here he comes!
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir?
+
+_Smug._ 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes,
+losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is
+reduced very low; money is very scarce.
+
+_Lady L._ Come, come, sir; these evasions won't serve your turn: I must
+have money, sir--I hope you don't design to cheat me?
+
+_Smug._ Cheat you, madam! have a care what you say: I'm an alderman,
+madam----Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these
+five-and-thirty years.
+
+_Lady L._ An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly--I shall trap him in
+more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a
+remedy.
+
+_Smug._ What remedy, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a
+suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years--thanks to the
+honest practice of the courts.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit.
+
+_Smug._ Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why, I'm a religious man,
+madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin
+my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam----you have a
+sweet leering eye.
+
+_Lady L._ You instrumental in the reformation?--How?
+
+_Smug._ I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of the parish--Ah, that
+leering eye! Ah, that lip! that lip!
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a religious rogue for you, now!--As I hope to be saved,
+I have a good mind to beat the old monster.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I have brought you about two hundred and fifty guineas (a
+great deal of money, as times go) and----
+
+_Lady L._ Come, give 'em me.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white----I have
+brought it; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas
+that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that--you
+understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue----
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he would bribe me
+with my own money. I'll be revenged. [_Aside._]--Upon my word, Mr.
+Alderman, you make me blush,--what d'ye mean, pray?
+
+_Smug._ See here, madam. [_Pulls his Purse out._]--Buss and guinea! buss
+and guinea! buss and guinea!
+
+_Lady L._ Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I
+will--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Smug._ Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little cocket? And when, and
+where, and how?
+
+_Lady L._ 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours:
+you must therefore be disguised, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so
+religious as I seem to be. You little rogue, why I'm disguised as I am;
+our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy.
+
+_Lady L._ No man is seen to come into this house after dark; you must
+therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart----I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket;
+I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I
+do.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to walk into the next room?
+Here are some strangers coming up.
+
+_Smug._ Buss and guinea first--Ah, my little cocket!            [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can give!----
+
+_Lady L._ Death's life with thee, without thee death to live. Welcome,
+my dear Sir Harry----I see you got my directions.
+
+_Sir H._ Directions! in the most charming manner, thou dear Machiavel of
+intrigue.
+
+_Lady L._ Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, and makes joy lighten
+in my face.
+
+_Lady L._ I have a thousand questions to ask you, Sir Harry. Why did you
+leave France so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ Because, madam, there is no existing where you are not.
+
+_Lady L._ _Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligée_----But, where's the
+court now?
+
+_Sir H._ At Marli, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ And where my Count La Valier?
+
+_Sir H._ His body's in the church of Nôtre Dame; I don't know where his
+soul is.
+
+_Lady L._ What disease did he die of?
+
+_Sir H._ A duel, madam; I was his doctor.
+
+_Lady L._ How d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ As most doctors do; I kill'd him.
+
+_Lady L._ _En cavalier_, my dear knight-errant--Well, and how, and how:
+what intrigues, what gallantries are carrying on in the _beau monde_?
+
+_Sir H._ I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship
+makes the _beau-monde_ wherever you come.
+
+_Lady L._ Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death
+here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me.
+
+_Sir H._ I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though.
+
+_Lady L._ No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come
+to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh----
+
+_Sir H._ And love, and kiss----_Montrez moi votre chambre?_
+
+_Lady L._ _Attends, attends, un peu_----I remember, Sir Harry, you
+promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam,
+treaties made in France are never kept.
+
+_Lady L._ Would you marry me, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Oh! I do detest marriage.--But I will marry you.
+
+_Lady L._ Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will
+forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect
+his fidelity in an amour.
+
+_Sir H._ My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any
+business in all my life.
+
+_Lady L._ Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry
+that a gentleman of your figure should undergo the scandal.
+
+_Sir H._ Out with it, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of
+exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable
+dealings.
+
+_Sir H._ Who, old Smuggler?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, ay, you know him, I find.
+
+_Sir H._ I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of
+above five hundred pounds within these three years.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself publicly; for he
+spreads the scandal every where.
+
+_Sir H._ Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly into the city,
+and cane the old villain: he shall run the gauntlet round the Royal
+Exchange.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, he is in the house now, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ What, in this house?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, in the next room.
+
+_Sir H._ Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance in my house?
+
+_Sir H._ Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him with the temper of a
+philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, show me the gentleman.
+                                                     [_Exit with_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Now shall I get the old monster well beaten, and Sir Harry
+pestered next term with bloodsheds, batteries, costs, and damages,
+solicitors and attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good
+humour, I'll never plot again.                                  [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE V.
+
+_Another Room in the same House._
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+
+_Smug._ Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five
+thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.
+
+_Smug._ My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions
+I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman.       [_Bowing very low._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with
+you!
+
+_Sir H._ There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may
+oblige me infinitely by----I am very sorry that I am forced to be
+troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman----
+
+_Smug._ Ay, sir, as you say, necessity----But, upon my word, sir, I am
+very short of money at present; but----
+
+_Sir H._ That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way:
+but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being
+obliged to you for a beating----Here, take this cudgel.
+
+_Smug._ A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an
+alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your
+choice.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, 'tis sure as fate----So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my
+curiosity.                                               [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!--What d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by
+the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.
+
+_Sir H._ Not in the least, sir; [_Strikes him._] not in the least,
+indeed, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the bluntest
+jests that ever I knew.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Strikes._] I heartily beg your pardon, with all my heart,
+sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a
+gentleman. But, seriously, now, if you pass any more of your jests upon
+me, I shall grow angry.
+
+_Sir H._ I humbly beg your permission to break one or two more.
+                                                         [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? Murder,
+felony, manslaughter!                      [SIR HARRY _knocks him down_.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely
+compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my
+inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging
+friend, the Alderman.
+
+[_Striking him all this while_: SMUGGLER _tumbles over and over_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I am murdered in good
+earnest.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh! you barbarous man!--Now the devil take you, Sir Harry, for
+not beating him harder--Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll
+make you amends.                        [_Here_ SIR HARRY _takes Snuff_.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place----Sir, how
+durst you use me thus!
+
+_Sir H._ Sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.               [_Throws Snuff into his Eyes._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some
+water. Water! fire! fire! water!             [_Exit with_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Sir H._ How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the
+beauty of revenge.
+
+No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy: Life's but a span, I'll
+ev'ry inch enjoy.                                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_The Street._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD _and_ VIZARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I bring him word where she lodged? I the civilest rival in
+the world? 'Tis impossible.
+
+_Vizard._ I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought, sir, that my
+character in the world might add authority to my words, without so many
+repetitions.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief struggles hard, before
+it can be brought to yield to the disadvantage of what we love. But what
+said Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ He pitied the poor credulous colonel, laughed heartily, flew
+away with all the raptures of a bridegroom, repeating these lines:
+
+  A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+
+_Colonel S._ A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my wrongs he whores her,
+and I am made their property.----Vengeance----Vizard, you must carry a
+note for me to Sir Harry.
+
+_Vizard._ What, a challenge? I hope you don't design to fight?
+
+_Colonel S._ What, wear the livery of my king, and pocket an affront?
+'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty: a soldier's sword, Vizard, should
+start of itself, to redress its master's wrong.
+
+_Vizard._ However, sir, I think it not proper for me to carry any such
+message between friends.
+
+_Colonel S._ I have ne'er a servant here; what shall I do?
+
+_Vizard._ There's Tom Errand, the porter, that plies at the Blue Posts,
+one who knows Sir Harry and his haunts very well; you may send a note by
+him.
+
+_Colonel S._ Here, you, friend.
+
+_Vizard._ I have now some business, and must take my leave; I would
+advise you, nevertheless, against this affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ No whispering now, nor telling of friends, to prevent us.
+He, that disappoints a man of an honourable revenge, may love him
+foolishly like a wife, but never value him as a friend.
+
+_Vizard._ Nay, the devil take him, that parts you, say I.       [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Did your honour call porter?
+
+_Colonel S._ Is your name Tom Errand?
+
+_Tom._ People call me so, an't like your worship.
+
+_Colonel S._ D'ye know Sir Harry Wildair?
+
+_Tom._ Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters; many a round
+half crown have I had of his worship; he's newly come home from France,
+sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the next coffee-house, and wait for me.----Oh, woman,
+woman, how blessed is man, when favoured by your smiles, and how
+accursed when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to sooth us to
+destruction.                                                  [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _following_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, sir, sir, having some business of importance to
+communicate to you, I would beg your attention to a trifling affair,
+that I would impart to your understanding.
+
+_Sir H._ What is your trifling business of importance, pray, sweet sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pray, sir, are the roads deep between this and Paris?
+
+_Sir H._ Why that question, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because I design to go to the jubilee, sir. I understand
+that you are a traveller, sir; there is an air of travel in the tie of
+your cravat, sir: there is indeed, sir----I suppose, sir, you bought
+this lace in Flanders.
+
+_Sir H._ No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Norway, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ That's very strange now, 'faith--Lace made of the
+shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you travellers see very strange
+things abroad, very incredible things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a
+cravat of the very same lace before I come home.
+
+_Sir H._ But, sir, what preparations have you made for your journey?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos, and a
+swimming-girdle.
+
+_Sir H._ Why these, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you----Suppose us in Rome now;
+away goes I to some ball--for I'll be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I
+go to some ball, or some bear-baiting--'tis all one, you know--then
+comes a fine Italian _bona roba_, and plucks me by the sleeve: Signior
+Angle, Signior Angle--She's a very fine lady, observe that--Signior
+Angle, says she--Signiora, says I, and trips after her to the corner of
+a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other street: then, you
+know, I must invite her to the tavern; I can do no less----There up
+comes her bravo; the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English
+dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; I was a 'prentice,
+sir----But then, sir, he whips out his stiletto, and I whips out my
+bull-dog--slaps him through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of
+Russel Street again, and whips me into the ambassador's train, and there
+I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.
+
+_Sir H._ Is your pistol charged, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me see it.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ With all my heart, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace of bullets?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, by no means in the world, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. Sir, you're a
+dead man.                        [_Presenting the Pistol to his Breast._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Consider, dear sir, I am going to the Jubilee: when I
+come home again, I am a dead man at your service.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are not so choleric for
+the future.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot seven Italians in
+a week, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, you won't have provocation.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill any man for
+treading upon my corns: and there will be a devilish throng of people
+there: they say that all the princes of Italy will be there.
+
+_Sir H._ And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe----But the use of your
+swimming girdle, pray sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the ship cast away;
+now, whilst, other foolish people are busy at their prayers, I whip on
+my swimming girdle, clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me
+away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must pardon me now,
+I'm going to see my mistress.                                   [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ This fellow's an accomplished ass before he goes abroad. Well,
+this Angelica has got into my heart, and I cannot get her out of my
+head. I must pay her t'other visit.                             [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ ANGELICA, LADY DARLING, CLINCHER JUNIOR, _and_ DICKY.
+
+
+_Lady D._ This is my daughter, cousin.
+
+_Dicky._ Now sir, remember your three scrapes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] One, two, three, your humble
+servant. Was not that right, Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to her?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my distance. Would you
+have me to speak to a lady at the first sight?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the surest.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Now for a good jest, to make her laugh heartily----By
+Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss.                [_Goes towards her._
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR, _interposing_.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; your pitiful five
+guineas will never do. You may go; I'll outbid you.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ What the devil! the madman's here again.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his
+quality in my house?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Quality!--Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your
+madmen, and your beaux, and your quality----they're all alike, I
+believe.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room.
+
+[_Exit_ LADY DARLING, _leading_ CLINCHER, DICKY _following_.
+
+_Ang._ Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the
+last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can.
+
+_Sir H._ The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in
+the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as
+your ladyship can be till I sue for it.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must
+therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would,
+therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.
+
+_Sir H._ How sweet must the lips be that guard that tongue! Then, madam,
+no more of past offences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal
+my pardon.                                           [_Kisses her Hand._
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray answer plainly--D'ye
+love me?
+
+_Sir H._ Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites dissemble? Usurers
+love gold, or great men flattery? Doubt these, then question that I
+love.
+
+_Ang._ This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your love.
+
+_Sir H._ View your own charms, madam, then judge my passion.
+
+_Ang._ If your words be real, 'tis in your power to raise an equal flame
+in me.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, I seize----
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest and scorn you
+worse than the most profligate of your deceiving sex.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam, you only affect anger,
+because you know your frowns are becoming.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your own designs, can best
+understand whether my anger should be real or dissembled; think what
+strict modesty should bear, then judge of my resentment.
+
+_Sir H._ Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith, madam, I believe, the
+strictest modesty may bear fifty guineas, and I don't believe 'twill
+bear one farthing more.
+
+_Ang._ What d'ye mean, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you go to that. I think now,
+fifty guineas is a fine offer for your strict modesty, as you call it.
+
+_Ang._ I'm afraid you're mad, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, you're enough to make any man mad. 'Sdeath, are you
+not a----
+
+_Ang._ What, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, a lady of--strict modesty, if you will have it so.
+
+_Ang._ I shall never hereafter trust common report, which represented
+you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and breeding; for I find you very
+deficient in them all three.                                    [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now I find, that the strict pretences, which the ladies of
+pleasure make to strict modesty, is the reason why those of quality are
+ashamed to wear it.
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well, and what success?
+
+_Sir H._ Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows in town here, to
+let the wenches grow so saucy. I offered her fifty guineas, and she was
+in her airs presently, and flew away in a huff. I could have had a brace
+of countesses in Paris for half the money, and _je vous remercie_ into
+the bargain.
+
+_Vizard._ Gone in her airs, say you! and did not you follow her?
+
+_Sir H._ Whither should I follow her?
+
+_Vizard._ Into her bedchamber, man; she went on purpose. You a man of
+gallantry, and not understand that a lady's best pleased when she puts
+on her airs, as you call it!
+
+_Sir H._ She talked to me of strict modesty, and stuff.
+
+_Vizard._ Certainly. Most women magnify their modesty, for the same
+reason that cowards boast their courage--because they have least on't.
+Come, come, Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage your
+spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed, 'tis well; if not, you have
+a fair excuse for your rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for
+what's past. Oh, I had almost forgot----Colonel Standard wants to speak
+with you about some business.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know where he may be found?
+
+_Vizard._ In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an hour hence, I
+promised to see him: and there you may meet him--to have your throat
+cut. [_Aside._] I'll go in and intercede for you.
+
+_Sir H._ But no foul play with the lady, Vizard.                [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ No fair play, I can assure you.                       [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_The Street before_ LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _and_ LUREWELL, _coquetting in the Balcony_.--_Enter_
+STANDARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ How weak is reason in disputes of love! I've heard her
+falsehood with such pressing proofs, that I no longer should distrust
+it. Yet still my love would baffle demonstration, and make
+impossibilities seem probable. [_Looks up._] Ha! That fool too! What,
+stoop so low as that animal?--'Tis true, women once fallen, like cowards
+in despair, will stick at nothing; there's no medium in their actions.
+They must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now for my
+revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face, call her whore, curse the
+whole sex, and leave her.                                    [_Goes in._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+_A Dining Room._
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What will become of you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be murdered! What shall I
+do? Where shall I run? I'll creep into an oven--I'll climb up the
+chimney--I'll fly--I'll swim;----I wish to the lord I were at the
+Jubilee now.
+
+_Lady L._ Can't you think of any thing, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Think! not I; I never could think to any purpose in my
+life.
+
+_Lady L._ What do you want, sir?
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair; I saw him come in here
+this morning; and did imagine he might be here still, if he is not gone.
+
+_Lady L._ A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes with this gentleman,
+quickly, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you half a crown to
+boot. Come here; so.                             [_They change Clothes._
+
+_Lady L._ Now slip you [_To_ CLINCH. SENIOR.] down stairs, and wait at
+the door till my husband be gone; and get you in there [_To_ TOM
+ERRAND.] till I call you.             [_Puts_ ERRAND _in the next Room_.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have the confidence to
+approach me, after so base a trick.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, madam, all your artifices won't avail.
+
+_Lady L._ Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I thought, sir, that I
+gave you caution enough against troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's
+company, when I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, must
+tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to his impertinent
+courtship!
+
+_Colonel S._ I expose you to his courtship!
+
+_Lady L._ I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, come, sir: a
+pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, as an oath to a black.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're all lies; first, your heart is false; your eyes are
+double; one look belies another; and then your tongue does contradict
+them all--Madam, I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in
+your pericranium.
+
+_Lady L._ As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't.         [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel. S._ Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the courtship of your
+fool Clincher, too; I hope your female wiles will impose that upon
+me----also----
+
+_Lady L._ Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. I know no such person.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! 'Slife, madam, can
+my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose
+could not mistake him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from the
+balcony down to the street.
+
+_Lady L._ The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! I'll be hanged but he
+has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's footman, with a new French livery, for
+a beau.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me that looks like a
+cully? Did I not see him?
+
+_Lady L._ No, no, you could not see him; you're dreaming, colonel. Will
+you believe your eyes, now that I have rubbed them open?--Here, you
+friend.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Colonel S._ This is illusion all; my eyes conspire against themselves.
+Tis legerdemain.
+
+_Lady L._ Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment for your rude
+behaviour?--Oh, what a curse is it to love as I do!--Begone sir, [_To_
+TOM ERRAND.] to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never be
+at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.--Send to me to know
+when I should be at home!--Begone, sir. [_Exit_ TOM ERRAND.] I am sure
+he has made me an unfortunate woman.                           [_Weeps._
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; and truth is
+only falsehood well disguised.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish passion, I should not
+have been subject to such unjust suspicions: but it is an ungrateful
+return.                                                      [_Weeping._
+
+_Colonel S._ Now, where are all my firm resolves? I hope, madam, you'll
+pardon me, since jealousy, that magnified my suspicion, is as much the
+effect of love, as my easiness in being satisfied.
+
+_Lady L._ Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; cherish your
+suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: 'tis fit meat for your
+squeamish stomach.
+
+With me all women should this rule pursue: Who think us false, should
+never find us true.                                   [_Exit in a Rage._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_ TOM ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest thing for
+a man of my parts.--How shall we laugh at the husband, when he is
+gone?--How sillily he looks! He's in labour of horns already.--To make a
+colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for the alderman.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but he's brave, and will
+afford me a just revenge.--Oh, this is the porter I sent the challenge
+by----Well sir, have you found him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ What the devil does he mean now?
+
+_Colonel S._ Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ The note! what note?
+
+_Colonel S._ The letter, blockhead, which I sent by you to Sir Harry
+Wildair; have you seen him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen him? Yes, sir--no,
+sir.--I have, sir--I have not, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, sirrah, or I'll break
+your head.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but as to the note,
+sir, I can't remember a word on't: truth is, I have a very bad memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory.          [_Strikes him._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Zouns, sir, hold!--I did give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ And what answer?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I mean, I did not give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, d'ye banter, rascal?            [_Strikes him again._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.
+
+_Colonel S._ What was't, villain?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told you that I had a
+very treacherous memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll engage you shall remember me this month, rascal.
+                                                 [_Beats him, and exit._
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it beaten?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, I have been beaten. But where's my clothes? my
+clothes?
+
+_Lady L._ What, you won't leave me so soon, my dear, will ye?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Will ye!--If ever I peep into the colonel's tent again,
+may I be forced to run the gauntlet. But my clothes, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ I sent the porter down stairs with them: did not you meet him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Meet him? No, not I.
+
+_Parly._ No! He went out at the back door, and is run clear away, I'm
+afraid.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Gone, say you, and with my clothes, my fine Jubilee
+clothes?--Oh, the rogue, the thief!--I'll have him hang'd for
+murder--But how shall I get home in this pickle?
+
+_Parly._ I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, for he
+dines at home.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, then I must sneak off. Was ever such an unfortunate
+beau, To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also!   [_Exit._
+
+_Parly._ Methinks, madam, the injuries you have suffered by men must be
+very great, to raise such heavy resentments against the whole sex;--and,
+I think, madam, your anger should be only confined to the author of your
+wrongs.
+
+_Lady L._ The author! alas, I know him not.
+
+_Parly._ Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a man should rob you of that
+same jewel, and you not know him.
+
+_Lady L._ Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always sours my temper:
+but since, by thy faithful service, I have some reason to confide in
+your secresy, hear the strange relation.--Some twelve years ago, I lived
+at my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, the
+ornamental, but weak guard of blooming beauty. Then it happened that
+three young gentlemen from the university coming into the country, and
+being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: he was very glad
+of their company, and offered them the entertainment of his house.
+
+_Parly._ Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these strolling collegians
+are never abroad, but upon some mischief.
+
+_Lady L._ Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: but the third----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, the third, madam--the third of all things, they say, is
+very critical.
+
+_Lady L._ He was--but in short, nature formed him for my undoing. His
+very looks were witty, and his expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier
+things, than words could frame.
+
+_Parly._ There will be mischief by and by; I never heard a woman talk
+so much of eyes, but there were tears presently after.
+
+_Lady L._ My father was so well pleased with his conversation, that he
+begged their company next day; they consented, and next night, Parly----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, next night, madam----next night (I'm afraid) was a night
+indeed.
+
+_Lady L._ He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of her modesty; and me,
+with his rhetoric, out of my honour. [_Weeps._] He swore that he would
+come down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.
+
+_Parly._ The old bait, the old bait--I was cheated just so myself.
+[_Aside._] But had not you the wit to know his name all this while?
+
+_Lady L._ He told me that he was under an obligation to his companions,
+of concealing himself then, but, that he would write to me in two days,
+and let me know his name and quality. After all the binding oaths of
+constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto--"_Love and Honour_"--then
+we parted, and I never saw the dear deceiver more.
+
+_Parly._ No, nor never will, I warrant you.
+
+_Lady L._ I need not tell my griefs, which my father's death made a fair
+pretence for; he left me sole heiress and executrix to three thousand
+pounds a year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned to a
+hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert my melancholy, I
+went to travel. Here I will play my last scene; then retire to my
+country-house, and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent
+lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to swinge him, and his
+precise nephew, Vizard.
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, you manage every body that comes in your way.
+
+_Lady L._ No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions I found just and
+honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting them know my firm resolutions
+never to marry, But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've
+seldom failed to manage.
+
+_Parly._ What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I suppose his designs
+are honourable.
+
+_Lady L._ That man's a riddle; there's something of honour in his temper
+that pleases; I'm sure he loves me too, because he's soon jealous, and
+soon satisfied.--But hang him, I have teased him enough--Besides, Parly,
+I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this buss and guinea I must maul
+once more. I'll hansel his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and
+ink; I must write to Vizard too.
+
+Fortune, this once assist me as before: Two such machines can never work
+in vain, As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.    [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_Covent Garden._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD, _meeting_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you ere this in a more
+convenient place; but since my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge
+shall be so too.--Draw, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Draw, sir! What shall I draw?
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, sir, I like your facetious humour well enough;
+it shows courage and unconcern. I know you brave, and therefore use you
+thus. Draw your sword.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the devil take me if I
+fight.--Perhaps, colonel, this is the prettiest blade you have seen.
+
+_Colonel S._ I doubt not but the arm is good; and therefore think both
+worth my resentment. Come, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am such a madman, as
+to send my soul to the devil and body to the worms--upon every fool's
+errand?                                                        [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I hope you're no coward, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds a year, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ You fought in the army, to my knowledge.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red coat; because 'twas
+fashionable.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.
+
+_Sir H._ True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier,
+colonel, and fighting's your trade; and I think it downright madness to
+contend with any man in his profession.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall take very unseemly
+methods, if you don't show yourself a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A gentleman! I tell you
+once more, colonel, that I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds
+a year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages--Now I
+can't conceive how running you through the body should contribute one
+jot more to my gentility. But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you,
+what's the quarrel?
+
+_Colonel S._ A woman, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then I put up my sword. Take her.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, my honour's concerned.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, if your honour be concerned with a woman, get it out of
+her hands as soon as you can.--An honourable lover is the greatest slave
+in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, this
+is something about the Lady Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you
+satisfaction in that affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ Do so then immediately.
+
+_Sir H._ Put up your sword first; you know I dare fight, but I had much
+rather make you a friend than an enemy. I can assure you this lady will
+prove too hard for one of your temper. You have too much honour, too
+much in conscience, to be a favourite with the ladies.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any encouragement.
+
+_Sir H._ A man can never hear reason with his sword in his hand. Sheath
+your weapon; and then, if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.
+
+_Colonel S._ Give me but demonstration of her granting you any favour,
+and it is enough.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you take my word?
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, sir, I cannot.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you believe your own eyes?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; they have deceived
+me already.
+
+_Sir H._ That's hard--but some means I shall devise for your
+satisfaction--[_Noise._]--We must fly this place, else that cluster of
+mob will overwhelm us.                                        [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ MOB, TOM ERRAND'S _Wife hurrying in_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_
+ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Wife._ Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered my husband. Ah, my
+poor Timothy!                                                 [_Crying._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Dem your Timothy!--your husband has murdered me, woman;
+for he has carried away my fine Jubilee clothes.
+
+_Mob._ Away with him----away with him to the Thames.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle now!
+
+_Enter_ CONSTABLE.
+
+_Const._ Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.
+
+_Wife._ Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has murdered my husband,
+and robbed him of his clothes.
+
+_Const._ Murder and robbery!--Then he must be a gentleman.----Hands off
+there; he must not be abused.----Give an account of yourself. Are you a
+gentleman?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No, sir, I'm a beau.
+
+_Const._ A beau--Then you have killed nobody, I'm persuaded. How came
+you by these clothes, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ You must know, sir, that walking along, sir, I don't know
+how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,--and so the porter and I changed
+clothes, sir.
+
+_Const._ Very well. The man speaks reason, and like a gentleman.
+
+_Wife._ But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he changed clothes with
+him.
+
+_Const._ Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court. Well, sir, how did
+you change clothes?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I drew off his: so I
+put on his coat, and he put on mine.
+
+_Const._ Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty: search him--and
+if he carries no arms about him, we'll let him go.
+                   [_They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!
+
+_Const._ What, a case of pistols! Then the case is plain. Speak, what
+are you, sir? Whence came you, and whither go you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am going to the
+Jubilee.
+
+_Wife._ You shall go the gallows, you rogue.
+
+_Const._ Away with him, away with him to Newgate, straight.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.
+
+_Enter_ SIR. H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Sir H._ In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense--fight for a woman! Hard
+by is the lady's house, if you please, we'll wait on her together: you
+shall draw your sword--I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce your
+wounds received in war--I'll relate mine by Cupid's dart: you shall
+swear--I'll sigh: you shall sa, sa, and I'll coupée; and if she flies
+not to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves to
+be damned.
+
+_Colonel S._ With the generality of women, I grant you, these arts may
+prevail.
+
+_Sir H._ Generality of women! Why there again, you're out. They're all
+alike, sir: I never heard of any one that was particular, but one.
+
+_Colonel S._ Who was she, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a poetical story
+too. When will you find a poet in our age make a woman so chaste?
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour can disguise
+falsehood, and make calumny pass for satire; but you have promised me
+ocular demonstration that she favours you: make that good, and I shall
+then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent as truth and
+falsehood.
+
+_Sir H._ But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.
+
+_Colonel S._ I rely on your word and honour, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Then meet me half an hour hence at the Shakspeare; you must
+oblige me by taking a hearty glass with me toward the fitting me out for
+a certain project, which this night I undertake.
+
+_Colonel S._ I guess, by the preparation, that woman's the design.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, 'faith.--I am taken dangerously ill with two foolish
+maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll cure with Burgundy, and my
+love by a night's lodging with the damsel. A sure remedy. _Probatum
+est._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll certainly meet you, sir.          [_Exeunt severally._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a sad vicious
+place: I wish that I were in the country again. And this brother of
+mine--I'm sorry he's so great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see
+him thus.
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this same Jubilee. Who
+d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who, pray?
+
+_Dicky._ The Pope.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The devil he does! My brother go to the place where the
+Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Dicky._ Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit already.
+
+_Tom._ This lace will sell. What a blockhead was the fellow to trust me
+with his coat! If I can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, I
+am pretty secure.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Brother?--Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you my brother?
+
+_Dicky._ I seize you in the kings name, sir.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament man now!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Speak, you rogue, what are you?
+
+_Tom._ A poor porter, and going of an errand.
+
+_Dicky._ What errand? Speak, you rogue.
+
+_Tom._ A fool's errand, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who sent you?
+
+_Tom._ A beau, sir.
+
+_Dicky._ No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him
+of his clothes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! Oh, my poor Jubilee
+brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you
+killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half a
+crown.
+
+_Tom._ Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a
+carrier's horse once.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you
+killed him, and we'll let you go.
+
+_Tom._ Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no
+harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it
+again.--Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Here's your money, sir.--But are you sure you killed him
+dead?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.
+
+_Dicky._ But are you sure that he's dead in law?
+
+_Tom._ Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law. But he's as
+dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a
+hammer.
+
+_Dicky._ Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on
+the head is dead in law.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed?
+
+_Tom._ I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary
+afterwards.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.--Strip, sir, strip. By
+Jupiter Ammon, strip.
+
+_Dicky._ Ah! don't swear, sir.         [_Puts on his Brother's Clothes._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, sir? Come,
+sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.
+
+_Tom._ I hope you'll let me go now, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear
+positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may
+enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my
+religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.--Hey, call me a
+coach somebody.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and
+when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica.
+[_Exeunt_ DICKY _and_ TOM.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court,
+and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee with the best of
+them.                                                           [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lure._ Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen gave it to him
+in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he
+would be punctual to a minute.
+
+_Lady L._ Thus most villains some time or other are punctual to their
+ruin; Are all things prepared for his reception?
+
+_Parly._ Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman too is just
+come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.
+
+_Lady L._ Then he has got woman's clothes on?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse.
+
+_Lady L._ Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell
+him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let
+the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the
+intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.
+
+[_As_ PARLY _goes to put out the Candles, somebody knocks.--Music plays
+without._
+
+_Lady L._ This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+_Parly._ Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Without._] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs. Parly.
+Play, gentlemen.                                   [_Music plays again._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.
+
+_Lady L._ But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour?
+
+_Sir H._ No tempest, madam, but love madam.
+                                      [WILDAIR _taking her by the Hand_.
+
+_Lady L._ As pure and white as angels' soft desires.
+
+_Sir H._ Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.
+
+_Lady L._ [_Aside._] If this be a love token, [WILDAIR _drops a ring,
+she takes it up_.] your mistress's favours hang very loose about you,
+sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by
+any thing but desiring you to wear it.
+
+_Lady L._ You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool,
+and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I
+beholden to chance or design for this ring?
+
+_Sir H._ To design, upon my honour. And I hope my design will succeed.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam, so I may be free with you.
+
+_Lady L._ Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some
+other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house.
+
+_Sir H._ Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute, for I must see
+another mistress within these two hours.
+
+_Lady L._ Frank and free.
+
+_Sir H._ As you with me--Madam, your most humble servant.       [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and
+Vizard.                         [_Exit, and takes the Candles with her._
+
+_Enter_ PARLY, _leading in_ SMUGGLER, _dressed in Woman's Clothes._
+
+_Parly._ This way, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Well, Mrs. Parly,--I'm obliged to you for this trouble: here are
+a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but
+next time I'll steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring
+them to you--What are you fumbling about my pockets for?
+
+_Parly._ Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this
+closet, and my lady will wait on you presently.
+
+     [_Puts him into the Closet, runs out, and returns with_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot?
+
+_Parly._ You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the closet, and will
+come out to you immediately.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me thank thee as I ought.                   [_Kisses her._
+
+_Parly._ Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a
+couple of kisses?                                         [_Exit_ PARLY.
+
+_Vizard._ Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; and night, that
+shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy.
+
+_Smug._ My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit.
+
+_Vizard._ Ha! I hear a voice. Madam----my life, my happiness, where are
+you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll try him. Where have you
+left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ Talk no more of that ungrateful subject--I left it where it
+has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the
+dark.
+
+_Smug._ Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other
+motive besides pleasure?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the world--interest----You
+must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have
+seen him, I suppose.
+
+_Smug._ Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him.
+
+_Vizard._ 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue, that ever
+died of the gout.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, the young son of a whore! [_Aside._] Well, sir, and what of
+him?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to
+purchase as a saint, and spend like a gentleman. He got it by cheating,
+and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety,
+I'll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and
+deed of conveyance----
+
+_Smug._ It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young
+dog.                                                           [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over his grave with a
+coach and six, to inform his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend his
+money.
+
+_Smug._ I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money buried with me.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ Bless me, madam! here's a light coming this way. I must fly
+immediately.----When shall I see you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Sooner than you expect, my dear.
+
+_Vizard._ Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be seen for the world. I
+would sooner forfeit my life, my pleasure, than my reputation.  [_Exit._
+
+_Smug._ Egad, and so would I too.                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+
+_Lady D._ Daughter, since you have to deal with a man of so peculiar a
+temper, you must not think the general arts of love can secure him; you
+may therefore allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary,
+without reproach to your modesty.
+
+_Ang._ I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety makes our modesty sit
+awkward, and appears rather a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn
+us; it should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as a dove, but
+strong and vigorous as a falcon, when assaulted.
+
+_Lady D._ I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir Harry's gaiety for
+dishonour.
+
+_Ang._ Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must not sleep, when powerful
+enemies are abroad. I must confess, that, of all men's, I would not see
+Sir Harry Wildair's faults.
+
+_Lady D._ You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica; for I'm satisfied
+Sir Harry's designs are only to court and marry you.
+
+_Ang._ His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam, by what means were
+you made acquainted with his designs?
+
+_Lady D._ Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard, who, I'm sure, is your
+sincere friend, sent him. He brought me this letter from my cousin.
+                               [_Gives her the Letter, which she opens._
+
+_Ang._ Ha! Vizard!--then I'm abused in earnest--Would Sir Harry, by his
+instigation, fix a base affront upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so
+ungenteel a crime--This letter shall trace the truth. [_Aside._]--My
+suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I hope to satisfy your ladyship
+in my management, when I next see Sir Harry.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT.
+
+_Serv._ Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself Wildair.
+
+_Lady D._ Conduct him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] Daughter, I won't doubt your
+discretion.                                        [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!--Madam, I have toasted
+your ladyship fifteen bumpers successively, and swallowed Cupids like
+loches to every glass.
+
+_Ang._ And what then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, the wine has got into my head, and the Cupids
+into my heart; and unless, by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease
+the smart, I'm a lost man, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence a gentleman can
+make for rudeness; for the excuse is as scandalous as the fault.
+Therefore, pray consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of
+condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon occasion.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss me in a blanket, half a
+dozen chambermaids would do better service. Come, come, madam; though
+the wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak plainer. By all
+the dust of my ancient progenitors, I must this night rest in your arms.
+
+_Ang._ Nay, then----who waits there?
+
+_Enter_ FOOTMEN.
+
+Take hold of that madman, and bind him.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter will ensue. Hold--Do
+you know, scoundrels, that I have been drinking victorious Burgundy?
+                                                               [_Draws._
+
+_Servants._ We know you're drunk, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then how have you the impudence, rascals, to assault a
+gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage in his head?
+
+_Servants._ We must do as our young mistress commands us.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [_Throws Money among them; they
+scramble and take it up: he pelting them out, shuts the Door, and
+returns._] Rascals, poltroons!--I have charmed the dragon, and now the
+fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight; and now I'll take
+the general prisoner.                             [_Laying hold on her._
+
+_Ang._ I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of Honour, by your dead
+father's name, and the fair reputation of your mother's chastity, that
+you offer not the least offence. Already you have wronged me past
+redress.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou art the most unaccountable creature----
+
+_Ang._ What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream of loose desire, could
+prompt you to attempt this baseness?--View me well----the brightness of
+my mind, methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see your mistake
+in my behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Mimicking._] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi didum. A million
+to one, now, but this girl is just come flush from reading the Rival
+Queens----'Egad, I'll at her in her own cant--Oh, my Statira! Oh, my
+angry dear! turn thy eyes on me--behold thy beau in buskins.
+
+_Ang._ Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought, free from those
+fumes of wine that throw a mist before your sight, and you shall find
+that every glance from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp
+resentment, and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour dead.
+
+_Sir H._ This is the first whore in heroics that I have met with.
+[_Aside._] Lookye, madam, as to that slender particular of your virtue,
+we sha'n't quarrel about it; you may be as virtuous as any woman in
+England, if you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider, what
+is this same virtue that you make such a mighty noise about--Can your
+virtue keep you a coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk on
+foot.--Can your virtue stake for you at picquet? No. Then what business
+has a woman with virtue? Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas;
+there's a hundred----The devil!--virtuous still!--Why, it is a hundred,
+five score, a hundred guineas.
+
+_Ang._ Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst not use me thus. But the
+mean, poor abuse you throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our sex still
+strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards dare affront a woman.
+
+_Sir H._ Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas will set you up a
+bank at basset; a hundred guineas will furnish out your closet with
+china; a hundred guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred
+guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your billet-doux, or a fine
+Common Prayer Book for your virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred
+fine things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine ladies are
+for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are----'Egad, this Burgundy makes
+a man speak like an angel----Come, come, madam, take it, and put it to
+what use you please.
+
+_Ang._ I'll use it as I would the base unworthy giver, thus----
+                           [_Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it._
+
+_Sir H._ I have no mind to meddle in state affairs; but these women
+will make me a parliament-man in spite of my teeth, on purpose to
+bring in a bill against their extortion. She tramples under foot that
+deity which all the world adores--Oh, the blooming pride of beautiful
+eighteen!--Pshaw!--I'll talk to her no longer; I'll make my market
+with the old gentlewoman; she knows business better----[_Goes to
+the Door._]--Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady to walk
+in----Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your mother.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my daughter, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Like her, madam!--Harkye, will you take it?--Why, 'faith,
+madam--Take the money, I say, or, 'egad, all's out.
+
+_Ang._ All shall out--Sir, you are a scandal to the name of gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam--In short, madam, your daughter has
+used me somewhat too familiarly, though I have treated her like a woman
+of quality.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred guineas.
+
+_Lady D._ A hundred guineas! Upon what score?
+
+_Sir H._ Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these old women love to hear
+bawdy!--Why, 'faith, madam, I have never a _double entendre_ ready at
+present; but I suppose you know upon what score.
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose for modest ears to
+hear----Madam, I did before suspect, that his designs were base, now
+they're too plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour, is
+made a tool to a knave--Vizard has sent him on a bully's errand, to
+affront a woman; but I scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know who we are, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Know who you are! Why, your daughter there, is Mr. Vizard's
+--cousin, I suppose. And for you, madam--I suppose your ladyship to be
+one of those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who keep their
+visiting days for the entertainment of their presenting friends, whom
+they treat with imperial tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I
+suppose you do understand me.
+
+_Lady D._ This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou abusive man, what
+injury have you ever received from me, or mine, thus to engage you in
+this scandalous aspersion.
+
+_Ang._ Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce you thus to
+debase yourself below your rank?
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, my fair Statira, be not so
+very heroic in your style: Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer
+all the impertinent questions you have made me.
+
+_Lady D. and Ang._ We appeal to that.
+
+_Sir H._ And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and the contents were
+pretty plain, I thought.
+
+_Ang._ Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we are injured, and you
+deceived.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Opening the Letter._] But hold, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.]
+before I read I'll make some condition:--Mr. Vizard says here, that I
+won't scruple thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have clapped in
+another cypher to the account, and made it three or four hundred, 'egad
+I'll not stand to't.
+
+_Lady D._ The letter, sir, shall answer you.
+
+_Sir H._ Well then--[Reads.] _Out of my earnest inclination to serve
+your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica_--Ay, ay, the very words, I can
+say it by heart--_I have sent Sir Harry Wildair to_--What the devil's
+this?--_Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin_--He read to me quite
+a different thing--_He's a gentleman of great parts and fortune_--He's a
+son of a whore, and a rascal--_And would make your daughter very happy_
+[Whistles.] _in a husband_.----[_Looks foolish, and hums a Song._]--Oh!
+poor Sir Harry, what have thy angry stars designed?
+
+_Ang._ Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to redress our wrongs,
+since even the injury points the way.
+
+_Lady D._ Think, sir, that our blood for many generations has run in the
+purest channel of unsullied honour.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, madam.                                      [_Bows to her._
+
+_Ang._ Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, which the
+least air of foul detraction blasts.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, madam.                               [_Bows to the other._
+
+_Lady D._ Call then to mind your rude and scandalous behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam.                                    [_Bows again._
+
+_Ang._ Remember the base price you offered me.                  [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?
+
+_Lady D._ And think that Vizard,--villain Vizard,--caused all this, yet
+lives: that's all: farewell.
+
+_Sir H._ Stay, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.] one word; is there no other
+way to redress your wrongs, but by fighting?
+
+_Lady D._ Only one, sir; which, if you can think of, you may do: you
+know the business I entertained you for.
+
+_Sir H._ I understand you, madam. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.] Here am I
+brought to a very pretty dilemma. I must commit murder, or commit
+matrimony; which is the best now? a license from Doctors' Commons, or a
+sentence from the Old Bailey?--If I kill my man, the law hangs me; if
+I marry my woman, I shall hang myself.----But, damn it--cowards dare
+fight:--I'll marry, that's the most daring action of the two.   [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_Newgate._
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _solus_.
+
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How severe and melancholy are Newgate reflections! Last
+week my father died; yesterday I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the
+heels, and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.----I was agreeing with a
+bookseller about printing an account of my journey through France and
+Italy; but now the history of my travels must be through Holborn, to
+Tyburn.--"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was going to the
+Jubilee--Come, a halfpenny a-piece."--A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!
+'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise in the world.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear--damned rogue. Where have you
+been? Thou art the most welcome--son of a whore; where's my clothes?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, sir, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, you cannot master me, for I am twenty thousand
+strong.                                           [_Exeunt, struggling._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _with Cards_; SERVANTS _following_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; you to
+Westminster, you to St. James's, and you into the city. Tell all my
+friends, a bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am
+married. If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I am
+married; that joy shall crown the day, and love the night. Begone, fly.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now complete, since I can
+share it with my friend: brisk joy shall bound from me to you; then back
+again; and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.
+
+_Colonel S._ You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but this transcends
+yourself: whence proceeds it?
+
+_Sir H._ Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence flows all earthly joy?
+What is the life of man, and soul of pleasure? Woman.----What fires the
+heart with transport, and the soul with raptures?--Lovely woman----What
+is the master-stroke and smile of the creation, but charming, virtuous
+woman?--Methinks, my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the cause?
+
+_Colonel S._ Canst thou not guess?--What is the bane of man, and scourge
+of life, but woman?--What is the heathenish idol man sets up, and is
+damned for worshipping? Treacherous woman.--Woman, whose composition
+inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, but their souls are clay.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I know your wrongs
+received from Lurewell may excuse your resentment against her. But it is
+unpardonable to charge the failings of a single woman upon the whole
+sex. I have found one, whose virtues----
+
+_Colonel S._ So have I, Sir Harry; I have found one whose pride's above
+yielding to a prince. And if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood,
+be no breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as infancy.
+
+_Sir H._ Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows stronger by
+opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave the argument, and only beg you
+for this day to make a show of complaisance at least.--Here comes my
+charming bride.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Colonel S._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] I wish you, madam, all the joys of
+love and fortune.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon the spur, and have
+only a minute to take my leave.
+
+_Sir H._ Whither are you bound, sir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Bound, sir! I'm going to the Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin! how came you by these clothes?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Clothes! ha! ha! ha! the rarest jest! ha! ha! ha! I shall
+burst, by Jupiter Ammon--I shall burst.
+
+_Lady D._ What's the matter, cousin?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The matter! ha! ha! Why, an honest porter, ha! ha! ha!
+has knocked out my brother's brains--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ A very good jest, i'faith--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir; but the best jest of all is, he knocked out his
+brains with a hammer--and so he is as dead as a door-nail! ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady D._ And do you laugh, wretch?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Laugh! ha! ha! ha! let me see e'er a younger brother in
+England, that won't laugh at such a jest!
+
+_Ang._ You appeared a very sober, pious gentleman, some hours ago.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Pshaw! I was a fool then; but now, madam, I'm a wit; I
+can rake now. As for your part, madam, you might have had me once; but
+now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk, or gnawing the sheets,
+it is none of my fault. Now, madam, I have got an estate, and I must go
+to the Jubilee.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _in a Blanket_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Must you so, rogue--must ye? You will go to the Jubilee,
+will you?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A ghost! a ghost! send for the Dean and Chapter
+presently.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A ghost! No, no, sirrah! I'm an elder brother, rogue.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I don't care a farthing for that; I'm sure you're dead in
+law.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why so, sirrah--why so?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Because, sir, I can get a fellow to swear he knocked out
+your brains.
+
+_Sir H._ An odd way of swearing a man out of his life!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Smell him, gentlemen, he has a deadly scent about him.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Truly, the apprehensions of death may have made me savour
+a little. O lord! the Colonel! The apprehension of him may make the
+savour worse, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ In short, sir, were you a ghost, or brother, or devil, I
+will go to the Jubilee, by Jupiter Ammon.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the Jubilee! go to the bear-garden. Get you to your
+native plough and cart; converse with animals like yourself, sheep and
+oxen: men are creatures you don't understand.
+
+_Enter a_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Let them alone, colonel, their folly will be now diverting.
+Come, gentlemen, we'll dispute this point some other time.--Madam, shall
+I beg you to entertain the company in the next room for a moment?
+                                                     [_To_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ With all my heart----Come, gentlemen.
+                                              [_Exeunt all but_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ A lady to inquire for me! Who can this be?
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation--to come uninvited to
+dance at my wedding.----What d'ye gaze at, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ A monster--if thou'rt married, thou'rt the most perjured
+wretch that e'er avouch'd deceit.
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Why, madam, I'm sure I never swore to marry you: I
+made, indeed, a slight promise, upon condition of your granting me a
+small favour; but you would not consent, you know.
+
+_Lady L._ How he upbraids me with my shame!--Can you deny your binding
+vows, when this appears a witness against your falsehood! [_Shows a
+Ring._] Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge should flash confusion
+in your guilty face--Read, read here the binding words of love and
+honour--words not unknown to your perfidious tongue, though utter
+strangers to your treacherous heart.
+
+_Sir H._ The woman's stark staring mad, that's certain.
+
+_Lady L._ Was it maliciously designed to let me find my misery when past
+redress? To let me know you, only to know you false? Had not cursed
+chance showed me the motto, I had been happy: the first knowledge I had
+of you was fatal to me--and this second, worse.
+
+_Sir H._ What the devil is all this! Madam, I'm not at leisure for
+raillery at present, I have weighty affairs upon my hands: the business
+of pleasure, madam: any other time----                         [_Going._
+
+_Lady L._ Stay, I conjure you, stay.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, I can't, my bride expects me; but harkye, when the
+honey-moon is over, about a month or two hence, I may do you a small
+favour.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.
+Woman's weakness, man's falsehood, my own shame, and love's disdain, at
+once swell up my breast----Words, words, or I shall burst.     [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay, madam, you need not shun my sight; for if you are
+perfect woman, you have confidence to outface a crime, and bear the
+charge of guilt without a blush.
+
+_Lady L._ The charge of guilt! what, making a fool of you? I've done
+it, and glory in the act: dissembling to the prejudice of men, is
+virtue; and every look, or sign, or smile, or tear that can deceive, is
+meritorious.
+
+_Colonel S._ Very pretty principles, truly. If there be truth in woman,
+'tis now in thee. Come, madam, you know that you're discovered, and,
+being sensible that you cannot escape, you would now turn to bay. That
+ring, madam, proclaims you guilty.
+
+_Lady L._ O monster, villain, perfidious villain! Has he told you?
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll tell it you, and loudly too.
+
+_Lady L._ O, name it not----Yet, speak it out, 'tis so just a punishment
+for putting faith in man, that I will bear it all. Speak now, what his
+busy scandal, and your improving malice, both dare utter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your falsehood can't be reached by malice nor by satire;
+your actions are the justest libel on your fame; your words, your looks,
+your tears, I did believe in spite of common fame. Nay, 'gainst mine own
+eyes, I still maintained your truth. I imagined Wildair's boasting of
+your favours to be the pure result of his own vanity: at last he urged
+your taking presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you
+yesterday from him received that ring, which ring, that I might be sure
+he gave it, I lent him for that purpose.
+
+_Lady L._ Ha! you lent it him for that purpose!
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that purpose----No
+denying it--I know it well, for I have worn it long, and desire it now,
+madam, to restore it to the just owner.
+
+_Lady L._ The just owner! Think, sir, think but of what importance 'tis
+to own it: if you have love and honour in your soul, 'tis then most
+justly yours; if not, you are a robber, and have stolen it basely.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ha! your words, like meeting flints, have struck a light,
+to show me something strange----But tell me instantly, is not your real
+name Manly?
+
+_Lady L._ Answer me first: did not you receive this ring about twelve
+years ago?
+
+_Colonel S._ I did.
+
+_Lady L._ And were not you about that time entertained two nights at the
+house of Sir Oliver Manly, in Oxfordshire?
+
+_Colonel S._ I was! I was! [_Runs to her, and embraces her._] The blest
+remembrance fires my soul with transport----I know the rest----you are
+the charming she, and I the happy man.
+
+_Lady L._ How has blind fortune stumbled on the right? But where have
+you wandered since?--'Twas cruel to forsake me.
+
+_Colonel S._ The particulars of my fortune are too tedious now: but to
+discharge myself from the stain of dishonour, I must tell you, that
+immediately upon my return to the university, my elder brother and I
+quarrelled: my father, to prevent farther mischief, posts me away to
+travel: I wrote to you from London, but fear the letter came not to your
+hands.
+
+_Lady L._ I never had the least account of you by letter, or otherwise.
+
+_Colonel S._ Three years I lived abroad, and at my return, found you
+were gone out of the kingdom, though none could tell me whither: missing
+you thus, I went to Flanders, served my king till the peace commenced;
+then fortunately going on board at Amsterdam, one ship transported us
+both to England. At the first sight I loved, though ignorant of the
+hidden cause----You may remember, madam, that, talking once of marriage,
+I told you I was engaged--to your dear self I meant.
+
+_Lady L._ Then men are still most generous and brave--and, to reward
+your truth, an estate of three thousand pounds a year waits your
+acceptance; and, if I can satisfy you in my past conduct, I shall
+expect the honourable performance of your promise, and that you will
+stay with me in England.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay--Nor fame, nor glory e'er shall part us more. My
+honour can be no where more concerned than here.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+Oh, Sir Harry! Fortune has acted miracles to-day: the story's strange
+and tedious, but all amounts to this--that woman's mind is charming as
+her person, and I am made a convert too to beauty.
+
+_Sir H._ I wanted only this, to make my pleasure perfect.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to find you so merry; is my
+gracious nephew among ye?
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, he dares not show his face among such honourable company;
+for your gracious nephew is--
+
+_Smug._ What, sir? Have a care what you say.
+
+_Sir H._ A villain, sir.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart. I'll pardon you the beating me, for that very
+word. And pray, Sir Harry, when you see him next, tell him this news
+from me, that I have disinherited him--that I will leave him as poor as
+a disbanded quarter-master.--Oh, Sir Harry, he is as hypocritical----
+
+_Lady L._ As yourself, Mr. Alderman. How fares my good old nurse, pray,
+sir?----Come, Mr. Alderman, for once let a woman advise:--Would you be
+thought an honest man, banish covetousness, that worst gout of age:
+avarice is a poor pilfering quality, of the soul, and will, as certainly
+cheat, as a thief would steal. Would you be thought a reformer of the
+times, be less severe in your censures, less rigid in your precepts, and
+more strict in your example.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam, virtue flows freer from imitation than
+compulsion; of which, colonel, your conversion and mine, are just
+examples.
+
+  In vain are musty morals taught in schools,
+  By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules,
+  Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands,
+  And frights the pupil from its rough commands
+  But woman----
+  Charming woman can true converts make,
+  We love the precept for the teacher's sake.
+  Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay,
+  We hear with transport, and with pride obey.          [_Exeunt omnes._
+
+
+
+
+      *      *      *      *      *      *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+The text includes a number of words with alternate spellings or
+spellings no longer common. These have been retained. A single
+instance of dy'e was changed to match the otherwise usual d'ye.
+
+The following additional changes were made to the text:
+
+Act II, Scene III, (Colonel Standard)
+I ha'n't vered half my message
+was changed to read:
+I ha'n't delivered half my message.
+
+Act IV, Scene II, (Lady Lurewell)
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not be spoken with.
+was changed to read:
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+
+
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+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al</title>
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: The Constant Couple</p>
+<p>       or, A Trip to the Jubilee</p>
+<p>Author: George Farquhar</p>
+<p>Release Date: May 18, 2010  [eBook #32419]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Canada Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdpcanada.net)</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h4>THE</h4>
+<h1>CONSTANT COUPLE;</h1>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>OR,</h4>
+<h2>
+A TRIP TO THE JUBILEE;</h2>
+
+<h4>A COMEDY,</h4>
+<h5>IN FIVE ACTS;</h5>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h2><span class="smallcaps">By GEORGE FARQUHAR, Esq.</span></h2>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h6>AS PERFORMED AT THE THEATRES ROYAL,</h6>
+<h3>DRURY LANE AND COVENT GARDEN.</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h6>PRINTED UNDER THE AUTHORITY OF THE MANAGERS<br /><br />
+FROM THE PROMPT BOOK.<br />
+<br /><br />
+
+WITH REMARKS</h6>
+
+<h3>BY MRS. INCHBALD.</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="minimal" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h3>LONDON:</h3>
+<h5>PRINTED FOR LONGMAN, HURST, REES, AND ORME,<br />
+PATERNOSTER ROW.</h5>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h6>WILLIAM SAVAGE, PRINTER,<br />
+LONDON.</h6>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="narrow" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>REMARKS.</h3>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p>George Farquhar, the author of this comedy, was
+the son of a clergyman in the north of Ireland. He
+was born in the year 1678, discovered an early taste
+for literature, and wrote poetic stanzas at ten years
+of age.</p>
+
+<p>In 1694 he was sent to Trinity College, Dublin, and
+there made such progress in his studies as to acquire
+considerable reputation. But he was volatile and
+poor&mdash;the first misfortune led him to expense; the
+second, to devise means how to support his extravagance.</p>
+
+<p>The theatre has peculiar charms for men of letters.
+Whether as a subject of admiration or animadversion,
+it is still a source of high amusement; and
+here Farquhar fixed his choice of a profession, in the
+united expectations of pleasure and of profit&mdash;he appeared
+on the stage as an actor, and was disappointed
+of both.</p>
+
+<p>The author of this licentious comedy is said to have
+possessed the advantages of person, manners, and
+elocution, to qualify him for an actor; but that he
+could never overcome his natural timidity. Courage
+is a whimsical virtue. It acts upon one man so as to
+make him expose his whole body to danger, whilst
+he dares not venture into the slightest peril one sentiment
+of his mind. Such is often the soldier's valour.&mdash;Another
+trembles to expose his person either to a
+wound or to the eye of criticism, and yet will dare to
+publish every thought that ever found entrance into
+his imagination. Such is often the valour of a poet.</p>
+
+<p>Farquhar, abashed on exhibiting his person upon
+the stage, sent boldly thither his most indecorous
+thoughts, and was rewarded for his audacity.</p>
+
+<p>In the year 1700 he brought out this comedy of
+"The Constant Couple; or, A Trip to the Jubilee."
+It was then the Jubilee year at Rome, and the author
+took advantage of that occurrence to render the title
+of his drama popular; for which cause alone it must
+be supposed he made any thing in his play refer to
+that festival, as no one material point is in any shape
+connected with it.</p>
+
+<p>At the time Farquhar was a performer, a sincere
+friendship was formed between him and Wilks,
+the celebrated fine gentleman of the stage&mdash;for him,
+Farquhar wrote the character of Sir Harry Wildair;
+and Wilks, by the very admirable manner in which
+he supported the part, divided with the author those
+honours which the first appearance of the work obtained
+him.</p>
+
+<p>As a proof that this famed actor's abilities, in the
+representation of the fine gentlemen of his day, were
+not over-rated, no actor, since he quitted the stage,
+has been wholly successful in the performance of
+this character; and, from Wilks down to the
+present time, the part has only been supported, with celebrity,
+by women.</p>
+
+<p>The noted Mrs. Woffington was highly extolled in
+Sir Harry; and Mrs. Jordan has been no less admired
+and attractive.</p>
+
+<p>But it must be considered as a disgrace to the memory
+of the men of fashion, of the period in which
+Wildair was brought on the stage, that he has ever
+since been justly personated, by no other than the female
+sex. In this particular, at least, the present race
+of fashionable beaux cannot be said to have degenerated;
+for, happily, they can be represented by men.</p>
+
+<p>The love story of Standard and Lurewell, in this
+play, is interesting to the reader, though, in action,
+an audience scarcely think of either of them; or of
+any one in the drama, with whom the hero is not positively
+concerned. Yet these two lovers, it would
+seem, love with all the usual ardour and constancy of
+gallants and mistresses in plays and novels&mdash;unfortunately,
+with the same short memories too! Authors,
+and some who do not generally deal in wonders, often
+make persons, the most tenderly attached to each
+other, so easily forget the shape, the air, the every
+feature of the dear beloved, as to pass, after a few
+years separation, whole days together, without the
+least conjecture that each is the very object of the
+other's search! Whilst all this surprising forgetfulness
+possesses them, as to the figure, face, and mind of him
+or her whom they still adore, show either of them
+but a ring, a bracelet, a mole, a scar, and here remembrance
+instantly occupies its place, and both are
+immediately inspired with every sensation which first
+testified their mutual passion. Still the sober critic
+must arraign the strength of this love with the shortness
+of its recollection; and charge the renewal of
+affection for objects that no longer appear the same,
+to fickleness rather than to constancy.</p>
+
+<p>The biographers of Farquhar, who differ in some
+articles concerning him, all agree that he was married,
+in the year 1704, to a lady, who was so violently
+in love with him, that, despairing to win him
+by her own attractions, she contrived a vast scheme
+of imposition, by which she allured him into wedlock,
+with the full conviction that he had married a
+woman of immense fortune.</p>
+
+<p>The same biographers all bestow the highest praise
+upon poor Farquhar for having treated this wife
+with kindness; humanely forgiving the fault which
+had deprived him of that liberty he was known peculiarly
+to prize, and reduced him to the utmost poverty,
+in order to support her and her children.</p>
+
+<p>This woman, whose pretended love was of such
+fatal import to its object, not long enjoyed her selfish
+happiness&mdash;her husband's health gradually declined,
+and he died four years after his marriage. It is related
+that he met death with fortitude and cheerfulness.
+He could scarcely do otherwise, when life had
+become a burden to him. He had, however, some
+objects of affection to leave behind, as appears by the
+following letter, which he wrote a few days before
+his decease, and directed to his friend Wilks:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="ind1">"</span><span class="smallcaps">Dear Bob</span>,</p>
+
+<p>"I have not any thing to leave you to perpetuate
+my memory, except two helpless girls; look upon
+them sometimes, and think of him that was, to the
+last moment of his life, thine,</p>
+
+<p class="right">"<span class="smallcaps">George Farquhar.</span>"<span class="ind1">&nbsp;</span></p>
+
+<p>Wilks protected the children&mdash;their mother died in
+extreme indigence.</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="narrow" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>DRAMATIS PERSON&AElig;.</h3>
+<div class="center">
+<table class="sm" style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="personae">
+<tr><td align="left">&nbsp;</td><td align="left"><small>DRURY LANE.</small></td><td align="left"><small>COVENT GARDEN.</small></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Elliston.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Lewis.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Alderm. Smuggler</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Dowton.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Quick.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>&nbsp;&nbsp;</td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Barrymore.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Farren.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Clincher, Jun.</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Collins.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Blanchard.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Beau Clincher</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Bannister.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Cubitt.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Holland.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Macready.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Wewitzer.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Powell.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Purser.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Simmons.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Constable</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Maddocks.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Thompson.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Servants</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mr. Fisher, &amp;c.</i></td><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Powell.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Chapman.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Tidswell.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Platt.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Mellon.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Mountain.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Parly</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Scott.</i></td><td align="left"><i>Miss Stuart.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left"><span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's Wife</span></td><td align="left"><i>Mrs. Maddocks.</i></td><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center" colspan="3"><i><b>SCENE&mdash;London.</b></i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="narrow" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>THE</h4>
+<h2>CONSTANT COUPLE.</h2>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="tiny" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>ACT THE FIRST.</h3>
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>The Park</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span> <i>with a Letter, his</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span> <i>following</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Angelica send it back unopened! say you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Serv.</i> As you see, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The pride of these virtuous women is more
+insufferable than the immodesty of prostitutes&mdash;After
+all my encouragement, to slight me thus!</p>
+
+<p><i>Serv.</i> She said, sir, that imagining your morals
+sincere, she gave you access to her conversation; but
+that your late behaviour in her company has convinced
+her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy,
+and that she believes your letter, like yourself,
+fair on the outside, and foul within; so sent it
+back unopened.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> May obstinacy guard her beauty till
+wrinkles bury it.&mdash;I'll be revenged the very first opportunity.&mdash;&mdash;Saw
+you the old Lady Darling, her
+mother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Serv.</i> Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in
+your commendation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> That's my cue&mdash;&mdash;An esteem grafted in
+old age is hardly rooted out; years stiffen their opinions
+with their bodies, and old zeal is only to be cozened
+by young hypocrisy. [<i>Aside.</i>] Run to the
+Lady Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her
+ladyship will be at home this evening. Her beauty is
+sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>. <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span> <i>pulls out a Book, reads,<br />
+and walks about</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o'
+th' times; at his meditation so early; some book of
+pious ejaculations, I'm sure.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [<i>Aside.</i>]
+Oh, uncle Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th'
+town is a miracle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> I have seen a miracle this morning indeed,
+cousin Vizard.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What is it, pray, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> A man at his devotion so near the court&mdash;I'm
+very glad, boy, that you keep your sanctity untainted
+in this infectious place; the very air of this
+park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet
+scents of atheism.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Surely, sir, some great concern must bring
+you to this unsanctified end of the town.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What is it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> A lawsuit, boy&mdash;Shall I tell you?&mdash;My
+ship, the Swan, is newly arrived from St. Sebastian,
+laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent rogue
+of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French
+wines in Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the
+statute&mdash;&mdash;Oh, conscience! conscience! these tide-waiters
+and surveyors plague us more than the war&mdash;Ay,
+there's another plague of the nation&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+<p class="noindent">A red coat and cockade.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> May be not, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Because&mdash;&mdash;I'm disbanded.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> How! Broke?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my
+brave regiment, a thousand men, that looked like
+lions yesterday, were scattered, and looked as poor and
+simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Tal, al deral. [<i>Singing.</i>] I'll have a bonfire
+this night as high as the monument.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature;
+had not those brave fellows' swords defended
+you, your house had been a bonfire ere this, about
+your ears.&mdash;&mdash;Did we not venture our lives, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> And did we not pay for your lives, sir?&mdash;Venture
+your lives! I'm sure we ventured our money,
+and that's life and soul to me.&mdash;&mdash;Sir, we'll maintain
+you no longer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Then your wives shall, old Act&aelig;on.
+There are five and thirty strapping officers gone this
+morning to live upon free quarter in the city.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son
+within these nine months, born with a leading staff in
+his hand.&mdash;&mdash;Sir, you are&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Sir, I say that you are&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Disbanded, sir, that's all&mdash;&mdash;I see my lawyer
+yonder.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why so? I don't come to borrow money
+of you; if you're my friend, meet me this evening at
+the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a health to my
+king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary
+to-morrow morning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What! you won't leave us?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What! a soldier stay here, to look like
+an old pair of colours in Westminster Hall, ragged
+and rusty! No, no&mdash;&mdash;I met yesterday a broken lieutenant,
+he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner,
+but wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to
+buy a new scabbard for his sword.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, very good friends! My father's a
+lord, and my elder brother, a beau; mighty good
+indeed!</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> But your country may, perhaps, want your
+sword again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Nay, for that matter, let but a single
+drum beat up for volunteers between Ludgate and
+Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly hear it at the
+walls of Buda.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Come, come, colonel, there are ways of
+making your fortune at home&mdash;Make your addresses
+to the fair; you're a man of honour and courage.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous
+service with the fair. This pretty cross cut over
+my eye will attract a duchess&mdash;I warrant 'twill be a
+mighty grace to my ogling&mdash;Had I used the stratagem
+of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What was it, pray?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, to save his pretty face for the women,
+he always turned his back upon the enemy.&mdash;He
+was a man of honour for the ladies.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus
+will never fail; you must get a mistress.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pr'ythee, no more on't&mdash;You have awakened
+a thought, from which, and the kingdom, I would
+have stolen away at once.&mdash;&mdash;To be plain, I have a
+mistress.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> And she's cruel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Her parents prevent your happiness?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Not that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Then she has no fortune?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind,
+and virtue to beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard!
+such a creature!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>, <i>crosses the Stage singing,
+with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span> <i>after him</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Heyday! who the devil have we here?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The joy of the playhouse, and life of the
+park; Sir Harry Wildair, newly come from Paris.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a
+volunteer some three or four years ago?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The same.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, he behaved himself very bravely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety
+are inconsistent? He's a gentleman of most happy
+circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has had a
+genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of
+teachers, and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution
+being never ruffled by misfortune, nor stinted
+in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining to
+others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into
+gaiety of humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice
+with his friends, than be hated by any; as you
+shall see.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha, Vizard!</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Sir Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Who thought to find you out of the Rubric
+so long? I thought thy hypocrisy had been wedded
+to a pulpit-cushion long ago.&mdash;Sir, if I mistake not
+your face, your name is Standard?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th'
+town, for I'm just arrived.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing
+the knave, to get estates.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And in the court end playing the fool, in
+spending them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so
+modish.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken
+for vice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And hypocrisy for religion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A-la-mode de Paris again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Nothing like an oath in the city.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> That's a mistake; for my major swore a
+hundred and fifty last night to a merchant's wife in her
+bed-chamber.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen.
+What lord has lately broke his fortune at
+the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for the loss of a
+race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons
+for alimony: or what daughter run away
+with her father's valet? What beau gave the noblest
+ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town? I
+want news, gentlemen.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of
+your travels.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart.&mdash;You must know, then,
+I went over to Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went
+from thence to Landen, where I was heartily drubbed
+in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I
+thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues,
+bought half a dozen new suits, fought a
+couple of duels, and here I am again <i>in statu quo</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> But we heard that you designed to make
+the tour of Italy: what brought you back so soon?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> That which brought you into the world,
+and may perhaps carry you out of it;&mdash;a woman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What! quit the pleasures of travel for a
+woman?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather
+see her <i>ruelle</i> than the palace of Louis le Grand.
+There's more glory in her smile, than in the jubilee at
+Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the
+Pope's toe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> You, colonel, have been very lavish in the
+beauty and virtue of your mistress; and Sir Harry
+here has been no less eloquent in the praise of his.
+Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that
+neither of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous,
+as mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis done.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll double the stakes&mdash;But, gentlemen, now
+I think on't, how shall we be resolved? For I know
+not where my mistress may be found; she left Paris
+about a month before me, and I had an account&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How, sir! left Paris about a month before
+you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged
+somewhere in St. James's.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> How! somewhere in St. James's say you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps
+may'nt find her this fortnight.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Her name, pray, Sir Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest
+hand that ever was made of flesh and blood; her lips
+so balmy sweet&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But her name, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her neck and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> But her name, sir? her quality?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her shape, colonel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But her name I want, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her eyes, Vizard!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then if you must have it, she's called the
+Lady&mdash;&mdash;But then her foot, gentlemen! she dances
+to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly lost your
+wager.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, you have certainly lost your senses;
+we shall never discover the picture, unless you subscribe
+the name.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then her name is Lurewell.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Sdeath! my mistress!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> My mistress, by Jupiter!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Do you know her, gentlemen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I have seen her, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear
+colonel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Your humble servant, sir.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and
+will know.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Runs out.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves
+her: but she loves me.&mdash;&mdash;But he's a baronet, and I
+plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I walk on foot; I
+was bred in London, and he in Paris.&mdash;&mdash;That very
+circumstance has murdered me&mdash;&mdash;Then some stratagem
+must be laid to divert his pretensions.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so
+out of humour?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Because he's out of pay, I suppose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust
+some rivalship in the case.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> And suppose there were, you know the colonel
+can fight, Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fight! Pshaw&mdash;but he cannot dance, ha!&mdash;We
+contend for a woman, Vizard. 'Slife, man, if
+ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol only,
+what the devil should all we beaux do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> I'll try him farther. [<i>Aside.</i>] But would
+not you, Sir Harry, fight for this woman you so much
+admire?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fight! Let me consider. I love her&mdash;&mdash;that's
+true;&mdash;&mdash;but then I love honest Sir Harry
+Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely
+charming&mdash;&mdash;right&mdash;&mdash;but then a thrust i' the guts,
+or a Middlesex jury, is as ugly as the devil.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for
+a beau baronet to be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling,
+bartering boobies, who would hang you, purely
+because you're a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money
+enough to bribe the rogues with: so, upon mature
+deliberation, I would fight for her. But no more of
+her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a
+friend to a pretty mistress by the bye, till I can find
+my own? You have store, I'm sure; you cunning
+poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt
+open and fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Let me consider a little.&mdash;Now love and
+revenge inspire my politics!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Pauses whilst</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>walks, singing</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new
+mistress, than a waiter would be in drawing fifty
+corks.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> I design you good wine; you'll therefore
+bear a little expectation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now nineteen thousand blessings light on
+thee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Pretty and witty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Her name! yes&mdash;she has the softest, whitest
+hand that e'er was made of flesh and blood; her
+lips so balmy sweet&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Find her!&mdash;but then her foot, Sir Harry!
+she dances to a miracle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, don't distract me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Well then, you must know, that this lady is
+the greatest beauty in town; her name's Angelica:
+she that passes for her mother is a private bawd, and
+called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's
+lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry)
+I assure you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street,
+what house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my
+passport for your admittance, and you'll find my recommendation
+in a line or two will procure you very
+civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces
+handsomely placed, will gain the point.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity!
+Here, sirrah, order my carriage about to St. James's;
+I'll walk across the park. [<i>To his</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch.</i> Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St.
+James's, I'll walk across the park too&mdash;Mr. Vizard,
+your most devoted&mdash;Sir, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.] I admire
+the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs
+very emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it:
+your sword-knot too is most ornamentally modish, and
+bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my brother is just
+arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss
+his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure
+of, gentlemen, your most devoted, and most faithful
+humble servant.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, dost know him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was
+apprentice to my uncle Smuggler, the merchant in the
+city.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What makes him so gay?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, he's in mourning.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> In mourning?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Yes, for his father. The kind old man in
+Hertfordshire t'other day broke his neck a fox-hunting;
+the son, upon the news, has broke his indentures;
+whipped from behind the counter into the side-box.
+He keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings,
+leash of mistresses, talks of nothing but wines, intrigues,
+plays, fashions, and going to the jubilee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil
+must the fellow use in sweetening himself from the
+smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!&mdash;I' my conscience
+methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street.
+But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll
+to the prince's chocolate-house, where you shall write
+my passport. <i>Allons.</i>&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE II.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>, <i>and her Maid</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Parly, my pocket-book&mdash;let me see&mdash;Madrid,
+Paris, Venice, London!&mdash;Ay, London! They
+may talk what they will of the hot countries, but I
+find love most fruitful under this climate&mdash;&mdash;In a
+month's space have I gained&mdash;let me see, imprimis,
+Colonel Standard.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> And how will your ladyship manage him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> As all soldiers should be managed; he
+shall serve me till I gain my ends, then I'll disband
+him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> But he loves you, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Therefore I scorn him;<br />
+I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;<br />
+'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,<br />
+Thus would I slight them all.<br />
+My virgin and unwary innocence<br />
+Was wrong'd by faithless man;<br />
+But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,<br />
+Lie tongue, and<br />
+Plague the treacherous kind.&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+Let me survey my captives.&mdash;&mdash;<br />
+The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,<br />
+He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"<br />
+Therefore is a hypocrite;<br />
+Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,<br />
+And is consequently a fool;<br />
+Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,<br />
+He's a compound of both;&mdash;out of which medley of
+lovers, if I don't make good diversion&mdash;&mdash;What d'ye
+think, Parly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous
+in your service, if you teach me all those tricks that
+you use to your lovers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> You're a fool, child; observe this, that
+though a woman swear, forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite,
+be proud, vain, malicious, any thing, if she secures
+the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a
+maxim.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but
+that you really loved Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my
+greatest plague, for I could never make him uneasy:
+I left him involved in a duel upon my account: I
+long to know whether the fop be killed or not.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent">
+  <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is
+conjured up. You're upon hard duty, colonel, to
+serve your king, your country, and a mistress too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The latter, I must confess, is the hardest;
+for in war, madam, we can be relieved in our duty;
+but in love, he, who would take our post, is our enemy;
+emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals here
+intolerable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Those that bear away the prize in arms,
+should boast the same success in love; and, I think,
+considering the weakness of our sex, we should make
+those our companions who can be our champions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I once, madam, hoped the honour of
+defending you from all injuries, through a title to
+your lovely person; but now my love must attend my
+fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport
+to the fair; adding a nobleness to my passion, it
+stamped a value on my love; 'twas once the life of
+honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must
+my love be buried.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> What? disbanded, Colonel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Yes, Mrs. Parly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of
+poverty already.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> His misfortune troubles me, because it
+may prevent my designs.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy
+my passion by absence abroad, than have it starved
+at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion
+of my affection, as to imagine it founded upon
+your fortune. And, to convince you of your mistake,
+here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same
+affection now as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is
+considerable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge
+to her I love! The man, that sells himself for gold,
+is the worst of prostitutes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now, were he any other creature but a
+man, I could love him.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This only last request I make, that no
+title recommend a fool, no office introduce a knave,
+nor red coat a coward, to my place in your affections;
+so farewell my country, and adieu my love.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now the devil take thee for being so honourable:
+here, Parly, call him back, I shall lose
+half my diversion else. Now for a trial of skill.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do
+you take your journey?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> To-morrow morning, early, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> So suddenly! which way are you designed
+to travel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> That I can't yet resolve on.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat
+you; why are you so obstinate?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why are you so curious, madam?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because, I, I&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Because, what, madam?&mdash;Pray tell me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Because I design to follow you.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Crying.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er
+was proud before. Follow me! By Heavens thou
+shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards of a
+camp!&mdash;Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt
+of fools, and worst of fortune.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> You need not, shall not; my estate for
+both is sufficient.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and
+purchase one myself; I'll cringe to the proud man
+I undermine; I'll tip my tongue with flattery, and
+smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer, office-broker,
+nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice
+it all to thee, my generous fair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any
+thing, but I'll reward thy love, and recompense thy
+noble passion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry,
+ha! ha! ha! Rather kiss her hand than the Pope's
+toe; ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir
+Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry Wildair, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What! is he come over?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, and he told me&mdash;but I don't believe
+a syllable on't&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What did he tell you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Only called you his mistress; and pretending
+to be extravagant in your commendation,
+would vainly insinuate the praise of his own judgment
+and good fortune in a choice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> How easily is the vanity of fops tickled
+by our sex!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> On my conscience, I believe so. This
+gentleman, because he danced well, I pitched on for
+a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever since he has so
+persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading,
+flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly
+the kingdom.&mdash;&mdash;And I warrant you he made you
+jealous?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll
+send him back all his foolish letters, songs, and verses,
+and you yourself shall carry them: 'twill afford you
+opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his further
+impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion.
+I'll run and fetch them instantly.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall
+I bait him, like Act&aelig;on, with his own dogs.&mdash;&mdash;Well,
+Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of parliament, that
+you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> 'Tis provided by the same act, that you
+send no more messages by me, good Colonel; you
+must not presume to send any more letters, unless
+you can pay the postage.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, come, don't be mercenary; take
+example by your lady, be honourable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and
+haughty for us to imitate our betters in their honour,
+as in their finery; leave honour to nobility that can
+support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence
+to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should
+be cashiered with your leading-staff.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty
+to be the jest of chambermaids!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole
+magazine of love's artillery.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Gives him the Packet.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Which, since I have gained, I will turn
+upon the enemy. Madam, I'll bring you the news of
+my victory this evening. Poor Sir Harry, ha! ha!
+ha!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> To the right about as you were; march,
+Colonel. Ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="poem">
+<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles!</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Nature in us, your deepest art beguiles,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" valign="top">You toil for art, your intellects you trace;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left" valign="top">Woman, without a thought, bears policy in her face.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="tiny" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>ACT THE SECOND.</h3>
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>, <i>opening a Letter</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>
+<i>following</i>.
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> [Reads.] <i>Dear Brother&mdash;I will see you
+presently: I have sent this lad to wait on you; he can
+instruct you in the fashions of the town. I am your
+affectionate brother</i>,&nbsp;<span class="ind2">&nbsp;</span><span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span>.<br /><br />
+
+Very well; and what's your name, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> My name is Dicky, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Dicky!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, Dicky, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Very well; a pretty name! And what
+can you do, Mr. Dicky?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick
+up a whore.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why,
+are there many in this town?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ha! ha! ha! many! there's a question,
+indeed!&mdash;&mdash;Harkye, sir; do you see that woman
+there, in the pink cloak and white feathers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, sir! what then?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, she shall be at your service in three
+minutes, as I'm a pimp.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a
+gentlewoman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> A gentlewoman! Why so they are all in
+town, sir.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent">
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span> <i>senior</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Brother, you're welcome to London.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I thought, brother, you owed so much
+to the memory of my father, as to wear mourning
+for his death.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because
+I have the estate; and you wear that, because
+you have not the estate. You have cause to mourn,
+indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you;
+fare you well.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Stay, stay, brother.&mdash;&mdash;Where are you
+going?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> How natural 'tis for a country booby
+to ask impertinent questions!&mdash;Harkye, sir; is not
+my father dead?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, ay, to my sorrow.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> No matter for that, he's dead; and
+am not I a young, powdered, extravagant English
+heir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Very right, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why then, sir, you may be sure that I
+am going to the Jubilee, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Jubilee! What's that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Jubilee! Why, the Jubilee is&mdash;&mdash;'Faith
+I don't know what it is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Why, the Jubilee is the same thing as our
+Lord Mayor's day in the city; there will be pageants,
+and squibs, and raree-shows, and all that, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> And must you go so soon, brother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Yes, sir; for I must stay a month at
+Amsterdam, to study poetry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Then I suppose, brother, you travel
+through Muscovy, to learn fashions; don't you, brother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Brother! Pr'ythee, Robin, don't call
+me brother; sir will do every jot as well.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Because people will imagine you have
+a spite at me.&mdash;But have you seen your cousin Angelica
+yet, and her mother, the Lady Darling?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> No; my dancing-master has not been
+with me yet. How shall I salute them, brother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two
+scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. I'll tell you
+more when I come from the Jubilee. Come along.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="Illustration">
+  <tr>
+    <td align="center">
+      <a href="images/img020gsm.jpg">
+      <img src="images/img020gsm.jpg" height="500"
+      alt="HARRY WILDAIR" /></a>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+  <tr>
+    <td align="center">
+      <span class="caption">SIR HARRY WILDAIR.&mdash;<br />
+HERE IS A NEST OF THE PRETTIEST GOLDFINCHES,<br />
+THAT EVER CHIRPED IN A CAGE&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;ACT.&nbsp;II.&nbsp;SCENE.&nbsp;II.<br />
+Click to <a href="images/img020gsm.jpg">ENLARGE</a></span>
+    </td>
+  </tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE II.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br /><br />
+   <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>with a Letter</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Like light and heat, incorporate we lay;<br />
+<span class="ind2">We bless'd the night, and curs'd the coming day.</span><br />
+Well, if this paper kite flies sure, I'm secure of my
+game&mdash;&mdash;Humph!&mdash;the prettiest <i>bourdel</i> I have seen;
+a very stately genteel one&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span> <i>cross the Stage</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Heyday! equipage too!&mdash;&mdash;'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've
+mistaken the house!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">No, this must be the bawd, by her dignity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Your business, pray, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pleasure, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Then, sir, you have no business here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> This letter, madam, will inform you farther.
+Mr. Vizard sent it, with his humble service
+to your ladyship.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> How does my cousin, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, her cousin, too! that's right procuress
+again.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> [Reads.] <i>Madam&mdash;&mdash;Earnest inclination
+to serve&mdash;&mdash;Sir Harry&mdash;&mdash;Madam&mdash;&mdash;court my cousin&mdash;&mdash;Gentleman&mdash;&mdash;fortune&mdash;&mdash;</i></p>
+
+<p class="right"><i>Your ladyships most humble servant</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.</p>
+
+<p class="noindent">Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend
+you any where; but what goes farther with me
+is the recommendation of so sober and pious a young
+gentleman as my cousin Vizard.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A right sanctified bawd o' my word!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr.
+Vizard argues you a gentleman, free from the loose
+and vicious carriage of the town. I shall therefore
+call my daughter.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now go thy way for an illustrious bawd of
+Babylon:&mdash;she dresses up a sin so religiously, that
+the devil would hardly know it of his making.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such
+matches don't offer every day.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit</i></span> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darl.</span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel!&mdash;'Sdeath,
+what money have I got in my pocket? I
+can't offer her less than twenty guineas&mdash;&mdash;and, by
+Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as
+agreeable as his character of good humour.&mdash;&mdash;Pray
+Heaven his silence proceed from respect!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> How innocent she looks! How would that
+modesty adorn virtue, when it makes even vice look
+so charming!&mdash;&mdash;By Heaven, there's such a commanding
+innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask
+the question!</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Now, all the charms of real love and feigned
+indifference assist me to engage his heart; for mine
+is lost already.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Madam&mdash;I&mdash;I&mdash;&mdash;Zouns, I cannot speak
+to her!&mdash;Oh, hypocrisy! hypocrisy! what a charming
+sin art thou!</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> He is caught; now to secure my conquest&mdash;I
+thought, sir, you had business to communicate.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Business to communicate! How nicely she
+words it!&mdash;&mdash;Yes, madam, I have a little business
+to communicate. Don't you love singing-birds, madam?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> That's an odd question for a lover&mdash;Yes, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then, madam, here's a nest of the
+prettiest goldfinches that ever chirp'd in a cage;
+twenty young ones, I assure you, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Twenty young ones! What then, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why then, madam, there are&mdash;&mdash;twenty
+young ones&mdash;&mdash;'Slife, I think twenty is pretty fair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> He's mad, sure!&mdash;&mdash;Sir Harry, when you
+have learned more wit and manners, you shall be
+welcome here again.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive
+there is a great deal of wit and manners in twenty
+guineas&mdash;I'm sure 'tis all the wit and manners I have
+about me at present. What shall I do?</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">What the devil's here? Another cousin, I warrant
+ye!&mdash;Harkye, sir, can you lend me ten or a dozen
+guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for them in
+three hours, upon my honour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> These London sparks are plaguy impudent!
+This fellow, by his assurance, can be no
+less than a courtier.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> He's rather a courtier by his borrowing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> 'Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas
+about me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What business have you here then, sir?&mdash;For,
+to my knowledge, twenty won't be sufficient.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Sufficient! for what, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What, sir! Why, for that, sir; what the
+devil should it be, sir? I know your business, notwithstanding
+all your gravity, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> My business! Why, my cousin lives
+here.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I know your cousin does live here, and Vizard's
+cousin, and every body's cousin&mdash;&mdash;Harkye,
+sir, I shall return immediately; and if you offer to
+touch her till I come back, I shall cut your throat,
+rascal.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Why, the man's mad, sure!</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Mad, sir! Ay&mdash;&mdash;Why, he's a beau.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> A beau! What's that? Are all madmen
+beaux?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> No, sir; but most beaux are madmen.&mdash;But
+now for your cousin. Remember your three
+scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE III.</h4>
+
+<div class="center"><p class="noindent"><i>A Street.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>
+<i>following</i>.</p></div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir Harry! Sir Harry!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I am in haste, Colonel; besides, if you're
+in no better humour than when I parted with you in
+the park this morning, your company won't be very
+agreeable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You're a happy man, Sir Harry, who
+are never out of humour. Can nothing move your
+gall, Sir Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nothing but impossibilities, which are the
+same as nothing.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What impossibilities?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> The resurrection of my father to disinherit
+me, or an act of parliament against wenching. A
+man of eight thousand pounds <i>per annum</i> to be vexed!
+No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger
+brothers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Suppose one called you a son of a
+whore behind your back.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then would I call him rascal behind
+his back; so we're even.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But suppose you had lost a mistress.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then I would get another.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But suppose you were discarded by
+the woman you love; that would surely trouble you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> You're mistaken, Colonel; my love is neither
+romantically honourable, nor meanly mercenary;
+'tis only a pitch of gratitude: while she loves
+me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's
+void.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> But to be mistaken in your opinion,
+sir; if the Lady Lurewell (only suppose it) had discarded
+you&mdash;I say, only suppose it&mdash;&mdash;and had sent
+your discharge by me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw! that's another impossibility.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Are you sure of that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why,
+we are finger and glove, sir. She dances with me,
+sings with me, plays with me, swears with me, lies
+with me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I mean in an honourable way; that is, she
+lies for me. In short, we are as like one another as a
+couple of guineas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Now that I have raised you to the highest
+pinnacle of vanity, will I give you so mortifying a
+fall, as shall dash your hopes to pieces.&mdash;I pray
+your honour to peruse these papers.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Gives him the Packet.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment,
+colonel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No, no, 'tis a list of your forces in your
+last love campaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pr'ythee, good metaphorical colonel, what
+d'ye mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's
+leaves, that will unfold your destiny.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> So it be not a false deed to cheat me of
+my estate, what care I&mdash;[<i>Opening the Packet.</i>] Humph!
+my hand!&mdash;<i>To the Lady Lurewell</i>&mdash;<i>To the Lady Lurewell</i>&mdash;<i>To
+the Lady Lurewell</i>&mdash;What the devil hast
+thou been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A certain familiar of your acquaintance,
+sir. Read, read.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> [Reading.] <i>Madam, my passion&mdash;&mdash;so natural&mdash;&mdash;your
+beauty contending&mdash;&mdash;force of charms&mdash;&mdash;mankind&mdash;&mdash;eternal
+admirer</i>, <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.&mdash;I ne'er was
+ashamed of my name before.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, Sir Harry Wildair out of humour!
+ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir Harry! More glory
+in her smile than in the Jubilee at Rome; ha! ha!
+ha! But then her foot, Sir Harry; she dances to a
+miracle! ha! ha! ha! Fie, Sir Harry; a man of
+your parts write letters not worth keeping!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now, why should I be angry that a woman
+is a woman? Since inconstancy and falsehood are
+grounded in their natures, how can they help it?&mdash;Here's
+a copy of verses too: I must turn poet, in the
+devil's name&mdash;Stay&mdash;'Sdeath, what's here?&mdash;This is
+her hand&mdash;&mdash;Oh, the charming characters!&mdash;[Reading.]&mdash;<i>My
+dear Wildair</i>,&mdash;That's I, 'egad!&mdash;<i>This
+huff-bluff Colonel</i>&mdash;that's he&mdash;<i>is the rarest fool in nature</i>&mdash;the
+devil he is!&mdash;<i>and as such have I used him</i>.&mdash;With
+all my heart, 'faith!&mdash;<i>I had no better way of letting
+you know that I lodge in Pall Mall</i>&mdash;<span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>.<br />
+&mdash;&mdash;Colonel,
+I am your most humble servant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Hold, sir, you shan't go yet; I ha'n't
+<ins title="original has vered">delivered</ins> half my message.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon my faith, but you have, colonel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, well, own your spleen; out with
+it; I know you're like to burst.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I am so, 'egad; ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Laugh and point at one another.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ay, with all my heart; ha! ha! Well,
+well, that's forced, Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I was never better pleased in all my life,
+by Jupiter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, Sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide
+your concern, when there's no help for it. But, to
+be serious, now; the lady has sent you back all your
+papers there&mdash;&mdash;I was so just as not to look upon
+them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some
+things that I would not have you see.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> All this she has done for my sake; and I
+desire you would decline any further pretensions for
+your own sake. So, honest, goodnatured Sir Harry,
+I'm your humble servant.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! ha! ha! poor colonel! Oh, the delight
+of an ingenious mistress! what a life and briskness
+it adds to an amour.&mdash;A legerdemain mistress,
+who, <i>presto</i>! <i>pass</i>! and she's vanished; then <i>hey</i>! in
+an instant in your arms again.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Well met, Sir Harry&mdash;what news from the
+island of love?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Faith, we made but a broken voyage by
+your chart; but now I am bound for another port:
+I told you the colonel was my rival.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The colonel&mdash;curs'd misfortune! another.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> But the civilest in the world; he brought
+me word where my mistress lodges. The story's too
+long to tell you now, for I must fly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What, have you given over all thoughts of
+Angelica?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> No, no; I'll think of her some other time.
+But now for the Lady Lurewell. Wit and beauty
+calls.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="text">
+<tr><td align="left">That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Her little amorous frauds all truths excel,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">And make us happy, being deceived so well.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit.</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> The colonel my rival too!&mdash;&mdash;How shall
+I manage? There is but one way&mdash;&mdash;him and the
+knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts t'other's
+throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be
+two rivals pretty decently disposed of.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h4>SCENE IV.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Has my servant brought me the money
+from my merchant?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler
+at Charing-Cross, who has promised to wait on you
+himself immediately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend
+to love me, and at the same time cheat me of
+my money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of
+your estate; for you say the writings are in his
+hands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> But what satisfaction can I get of him?&mdash;&mdash;Oh!
+here he comes!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me
+any money, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what
+with paying the taxes, losses at sea abroad, and maintaining
+our wives at home, the bank is reduced very
+low; money is very scarce.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Come, come, sir; these evasions won't
+serve your turn: I must have money, sir&mdash;I hope you
+don't design to cheat me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Cheat you, madam! have a care what you
+say: I'm an alderman, madam&mdash;&mdash;Cheat you, madam!
+I have been an honest citizen these five-and-thirty
+years.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly&mdash;I
+shall trap him in more lies presently. Come, sir,
+though I am a woman, I can take a remedy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> What remedy, madam? You'll go to law,
+will ye? I can maintain a suit of law, be it right or
+wrong, these forty years&mdash;thanks to the honest practice
+of the courts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin
+your credit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why,
+I'm a religious man, madam; I have been very instrumental
+in the reformation of manners. Ruin my
+credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam&mdash;&mdash;you
+have a sweet leering eye.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> You instrumental in the reformation?&mdash;How?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of
+the parish&mdash;Ah, that leering eye! Ah, that lip! that
+lip!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's a religious rogue for you, now!&mdash;As
+I hope to be saved, I have a good mind to beat
+the old monster.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam, I have brought you about two hundred
+and fifty guineas (a great deal of money, as times
+go) and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Come, give 'em me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft,
+white&mdash;&mdash;I have brought it; but the condition of the
+obligation is such, that whereas that leering eye, that
+pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that&mdash;you understand
+me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you
+little rogue&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that
+he would bribe me with my own money. I'll be
+revenged. [<i>Aside.</i>]&mdash;Upon my word, Mr. Alderman,
+you make me blush,&mdash;what d'ye mean, pray?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> See here, madam. [<i>Pulls his Purse out.</i>]&mdash;Buss
+and guinea! buss and guinea! buss and guinea!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty
+winning ways, that I will&mdash;ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little
+cocket? And when, and where, and how?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure
+both our honours: you must therefore be disguised,
+Mr. Alderman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator;
+I'm not half so religious as I seem to be. You little
+rogue, why I'm disguised as I am; our sanctity is all
+outside, all hypocrisy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> No man is seen to come into this house
+after dark; you must therefore sneak in, when 'tis
+dark, in woman's clothes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> With all my heart&mdash;&mdash;I have a suit on purpose,
+my little cocket; I love to be disguised; 'ecod,
+I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I do.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>, <i>who whispers</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to
+walk into the next room? Here are some strangers
+coming up.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Buss and guinea first&mdash;Ah, my little cocket!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can
+give!&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Death's life with thee, without thee death to live.
+Welcome, my dear Sir Harry&mdash;&mdash;I see you got my
+directions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Directions! in the most charming manner,
+thou dear Machiavel of intrigue.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> The sight of you, madam, exalts my air,
+and makes joy lighten in my face.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I have a thousand questions to ask you,
+Sir Harry. Why did you leave France so soon?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Because, madam, there is no existing where
+you are not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort oblig&eacute;e</i>&mdash;&mdash;But,
+where's the court now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> At Marli, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> And where my Count La Valier?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> His body's in the church of N&ocirc;tre Dame;
+I don't know where his soul is.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What disease did he die of?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A duel, madam; I was his doctor.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> How d'ye mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> As most doctors do; I kill'd him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>En cavalier</i>, my dear knight-errant&mdash;Well,
+and how, and how: what intrigues, what gallantries
+are carrying on in the <i>beau monde</i>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I should ask you that question, madam,
+since your ladyship makes the <i>beau-monde</i> wherever
+you come.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined,
+pestered to death here, by the incessant attacks of a
+mighty colonel; he has besieged me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I hope your ladyship did not surrender,
+though.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, no; but was forced to capitulate.
+But since you are come to raise the siege, we'll dance,
+and sing, and laugh&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> And love, and kiss&mdash;&mdash;<i>Montrez moi votre
+chambre?</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> <i>Attends, attends, un peu</i>&mdash;&mdash;I remember,
+Sir Harry, you promised me, in Paris, never to ask
+that impertinent question again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Pshaw, madam! that was above two
+months ago: besides, madam, treaties made in France
+are never kept.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Would you marry me, Sir Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh! I do detest marriage.&mdash;But I will
+marry you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if
+a gentleman will forfeit his honour in dealings of business,
+we may reasonably suspect his fidelity in an
+amour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> My honour in dealings of business! Why,
+madam, I never had any business in all my life.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd
+story, and am sorry that a gentleman of your figure
+should undergo the scandal.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Out with it, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted
+your bills of exchange to you in France, complains of
+some indirect and dishonourable dealings.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Who, old Smuggler?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ay, ay, you know him, I find.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I have some reason, I think; why, the
+rogue has cheated me of above five hundred pounds
+within these three years.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself
+publicly; for he spreads the scandal every where.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly
+into the city, and cane the old villain: he shall run
+the gauntlet round the Royal Exchange.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Why, he is in the house now, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What, in this house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ay, in the next room.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance
+in my house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him
+with the temper of a philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly,
+show me the gentleman.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now shall I get the old monster well
+beaten, and Sir Harry pestered next term with bloodsheds,
+batteries, costs, and damages, solicitors and
+attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good
+humour, I'll never plot again.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE V.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Another Room in the same House.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and
+cargo worth five thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly
+worth five hundred perjuries.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted
+and humble servant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome
+to England.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the
+king's dominions I am gladder to meet, dear, dear
+Mr. Alderman.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Bowing very low.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most
+obliging ways with you!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen
+out, which you may oblige me infinitely by&mdash;&mdash;I am
+very sorry that I am forced to be troublesome; but
+necessity, Mr. Alderman&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Ay, sir, as you say, necessity&mdash;&mdash;But, upon
+my word, sir, I am very short of money at present;
+but&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an
+obligation that way: but the business is, I'm reduced
+to an indispensable necessity of being obliged to you
+for a beating&mdash;&mdash;Here, take this cudgel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat
+a knight baronet! an alderman turn cudgel-player!
+Ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I
+cudgel you; take your choice.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, 'tis sure as fate&mdash;&mdash;So, Alderman, I
+hope you'll pardon my curiosity.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Strikes him.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!&mdash;What
+d'ye mean?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man
+might imagine, by the smartness of the stroke, that
+you were in downright earnest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Not in the least, sir; [<i>Strikes him.</i>] not in
+the least, indeed, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for
+they are the bluntest jests that ever I knew.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Strikes.</i>] I heartily beg your pardon, with
+all my heart, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction
+enough from a gentleman. But, seriously, now, if
+you pass any more of your jests upon me, I shall
+grow angry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I humbly beg your permission to break one
+or two more.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are
+you mad, sir? Murder, felony, manslaughter!</p>
+<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>knocks him down</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but
+I am absolutely compelled to it, upon my honour, sir:
+nothing can be more averse to my inclinations, than
+to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging friend,
+the Alderman.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Striking him all this while</i>: <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span> <i>tumbles
+over and over</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor
+old man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I
+am murdered in good earnest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh! you barbarous man!&mdash;Now the devil
+take you, Sir Harry, for not beating him harder&mdash;Well,
+my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll make
+you amends.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Here</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span> <i>takes Snuff</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam, I will have amends before I leave
+the place&mdash;&mdash;Sir, how durst you use me thus!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Throws Snuff into his Eyes.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam,
+madam, get me some water. Water! fire! fire! water!</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> How pleasant is resenting an injury without
+passion! 'Tis the beauty of revenge.</p>
+<div class="center">
+ <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text">
+<tr><td align="left">No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy:</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Life's but a span, I'll ev'ry inch enjoy.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit.</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="tiny" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>ACT THE THIRD.</h3>
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>The Street.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I bring him word where she lodged? I
+the civilest rival in the world? 'Tis impossible.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought,
+sir, that my character in the world might add authority
+to my words, without so many repetitions.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief
+struggles hard, before it can be brought to yield to
+the disadvantage of what we love. But what said
+Sir Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> He pitied the poor credulous colonel,
+laughed heartily, flew away with all the raptures of
+a bridegroom, repeating these lines:</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text">
+<tr><td align="left">A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my
+wrongs he whores her, and I am made their property.&mdash;&mdash;Vengeance&mdash;&mdash;Vizard,
+you must carry a note
+for me to Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> What, a challenge? I hope you don't design
+to fight?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, wear the livery of my king, and
+pocket an affront? 'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty:
+a soldier's sword, Vizard, should start of itself,
+to redress its master's wrong.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> However, sir, I think it not proper for me
+to carry any such message between friends.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I have ne'er a servant here; what shall
+I do?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> There's Tom Errand, the porter, that plies
+at the Blue Posts, one who knows Sir Harry and his
+haunts very well; you may send a note by him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Here, you, friend.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> I have now some business, and must take
+my leave; I would advise you, nevertheless, against
+this affair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> No whispering now, nor telling of friends,
+to prevent us. He, that disappoints a man of an honourable
+revenge, may love him foolishly like a wife,
+but never value him as a friend.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Nay, the devil take him, that parts you,
+say I.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Did your honour call porter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Is your name Tom Errand?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> People call me so, an't like your worship.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> D'ye know Sir Harry Wildair?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters;
+many a round half crown have I had of his worship;
+he's newly come home from France, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Go to the next coffee-house, and wait
+for me.&mdash;&mdash;Oh, woman, woman, how blessed is man,
+when favoured by your smiles, and how accursed
+when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to
+sooth us to destruction.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>following</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, sir, sir, having some business of importance
+to communicate to you, I would beg your
+attention to a trifling affair, that I would impart to
+your understanding.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What is your trifling business of importance,
+pray, sweet sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Pray, sir, are the roads deep between
+this and Paris?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why that question, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Because I design to go to the jubilee,
+sir. I understand that you are a traveller, sir; there
+is an air of travel in the tie of your cravat, sir: there
+is indeed, sir&mdash;&mdash;I suppose, sir, you bought this lace
+in Flanders.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Norway, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> That's very strange now, 'faith&mdash;Lace
+made of the shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you
+travellers see very strange things abroad, very incredible
+things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a cravat
+of the very same lace before I come home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> But, sir, what preparations have you made
+for your journey?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos,
+and a swimming-girdle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why these, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you&mdash;&mdash;Suppose
+us in Rome now; away goes I to some ball&mdash;for I'll
+be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I go to some
+ball, or some bear-baiting&mdash;'tis all one, you know&mdash;then
+comes a fine Italian <i>bona roba</i>, and plucks me by
+the sleeve: Signior Angle, Signior Angle&mdash;She's a
+very fine lady, observe that&mdash;Signior Angle, says she&mdash;Signiora,
+says I, and trips after her to the corner
+of a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other
+street: then, you know, I must invite her to the tavern;
+I can do no less&mdash;&mdash;There up comes her bravo;
+the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English
+dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly;
+I was a 'prentice, sir&mdash;&mdash;But then, sir, he whips out
+his stiletto, and I whips out my bull-dog&mdash;slaps him
+through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of Russel
+Street again, and whips me into the ambassador's
+train, and there I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Is your pistol charged, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me
+see it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> With all my heart, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace
+of bullets?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, by no means in the world, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll try the strength of your stomach, however.
+Sir, you're a dead man.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Presenting the Pistol to his Breast.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Consider, dear sir, I am going to the
+Jubilee: when I come home again, I am a dead man
+at your service.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are
+not so choleric for the future.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot
+seven Italians in a week, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, you won't have provocation.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill
+any man for treading upon my corns: and there will
+be a devilish throng of people there: they say that all
+the princes of Italy will be there.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe&mdash;&mdash;But
+the use of your swimming girdle, pray sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the
+ship cast away; now, whilst, other foolish people are
+busy at their prayers, I whip on my swimming girdle,
+clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me
+away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must
+pardon me now, I'm going to see my mistress.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> This fellow's an accomplished ass before he
+goes abroad. Well, this Angelica has got into my
+heart, and I cannot get her out of my head. I must
+pay her t'other visit.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE II.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>,
+<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> This is my daughter, cousin.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Now sir, remember your three scrapes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> [<i>Saluting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.] One, two, three,
+your humble servant. Was not that right, Dicky?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to
+her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my
+distance. Would you have me to speak to a lady at
+the first sight?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the
+surest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Now for a good jest, to make her laugh
+heartily&mdash;&mdash;By Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Goes towards her.</i></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent">
+  <i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>, <i>interposing</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before;
+your pitiful five guineas will never do. You may go;
+I'll outbid you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> What the devil! the madman's here
+again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront
+a gentleman of his quality in my house?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Quality!&mdash;Why, madam, I don't know
+what you mean by your madmen, and your beaux,
+and your quality&mdash;&mdash;they're all alike, I believe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Pray, sir, walk with me into the next
+room.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>, <i>leading</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span> <i>following</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable
+than 'twas the last time, I would advise you to
+make your visit as short as you can.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> The offences of my last visit, madam, bore
+their punishment in the commission; and have made
+me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as your ladyship
+can be till I sue for it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence,
+and must therefore proportion it to the greatness
+of your apology; if you would, therefore, have
+me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> How sweet must the lips be that guard that
+tongue! Then, madam, no more of past offences; let
+us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal my pardon.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Kisses her Hand.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray
+answer plainly&mdash;D'ye love me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites
+dissemble? Usurers love gold, or great men flattery?
+Doubt these, then question that I love.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your
+love.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> View your own charms, madam, then judge
+my passion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> If your words be real, 'tis in your power to
+raise an equal flame in me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, I seize&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest
+and scorn you worse than the most profligate of
+your deceiving sex.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam,
+you only affect anger, because you know your frowns
+are becoming.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your
+own designs, can best understand whether my anger
+should be real or dissembled; think what strict modesty
+should bear, then judge of my resentment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith,
+madam, I believe, the strictest modesty may bear fifty
+guineas, and I don't believe 'twill bear one farthing
+more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> What d'ye mean, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you
+go to that. I think now, fifty guineas is a fine offer
+for your strict modesty, as you call it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> I'm afraid you're mad, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, madam, you're enough to make any
+man mad. 'Sdeath, are you not a&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> What, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, a lady of&mdash;strict modesty, if you will
+have it so.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> I shall never hereafter trust common report,
+which represented you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and
+breeding; for I find you very deficient in them all
+three.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Now I find, that the strict pretences, which
+the ladies of pleasure make to strict modesty, is the
+reason why those of quality are ashamed to wear it.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well,
+and what success?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows
+in town here, to let the wenches grow so saucy.
+I offered her fifty guineas, and she was in her airs presently,
+and flew away in a huff. I could have had a
+brace of countesses in Paris for half the money, and
+<i>je vous remercie</i> into the bargain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Gone in her airs, say you! and did not
+you follow her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Whither should I follow her?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Into her bedchamber, man; she went on
+purpose. You a man of gallantry, and not understand
+that a lady's best pleased when she puts on her
+airs, as you call it!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> She talked to me of strict modesty, and
+stuff.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Certainly. Most women magnify their
+modesty, for the same reason that cowards boast their
+courage&mdash;because they have least on't. Come, come,
+Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage
+your spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed,
+'tis well; if not, you have a fair excuse for your
+rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for what's
+past. Oh, I had almost forgot&mdash;&mdash;Colonel Standard
+wants to speak with you about some business.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know
+where he may be found?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an
+hour hence, I promised to see him: and there you
+may meet him&mdash;to have your throat cut. [<i>Aside.</i>] I'll
+go in and intercede for you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> But no foul play with the lady, Vizard.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> No fair play, I can assure you.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE III.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>The Street before</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>Lodgings</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span>, <i>coquetting in
+the Balcony</i>.&mdash;<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Standard</span>.</p></div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> How weak is reason in disputes of love!
+I've heard her falsehood with such pressing proofs,
+that I no longer should distrust it. Yet still my love
+would baffle demonstration, and make impossibilities
+seem probable. [<i>Looks up.</i>] Ha! That fool too!
+What, stoop so low as that animal?&mdash;'Tis true, women
+once fallen, like cowards in despair, will stick at
+nothing; there's no medium in their actions. They
+must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now
+for my revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face,
+call her whore, curse the whole sex, and leave her.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Goes in.</i></span>
+</p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE IV.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>A Dining Room.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>.
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What
+will become of you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be
+murdered! What shall I do? Where shall I run? I'll
+creep into an oven&mdash;I'll climb up the chimney&mdash;I'll
+fly&mdash;I'll swim;&mdash;&mdash;I wish to the lord I were at the
+Jubilee now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Can't you think of any thing, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Think! not I; I never could think to
+any purpose in my life.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What do you want, sir?</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair;
+I saw him come in here this morning; and did imagine
+he might be here still, if he is not gone.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes
+with this gentleman, quickly, strip.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you
+half a crown to boot. Come here; so.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>They change Clothes.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Now slip you [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clinch Senior</span>.]
+down stairs, and wait at the door till my husband be
+gone; and get you in there [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.] till I
+call you.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Puts</i> <span class="smallcaps">Errand</span> <i>in the next Room</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.
+</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have
+the confidence to approach me, after so base a trick.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, madam, all your artifices won't
+avail.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I
+thought, sir, that I gave you caution enough against
+troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's company, when
+I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth,
+must tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to
+his impertinent courtship!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I expose you to his courtship!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come,
+come, sir: a pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat,
+as an oath to a black.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You're all lies; first, your heart is false;
+your eyes are double; one look belies another; and
+then your tongue does contradict them all&mdash;Madam,
+I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in your
+pericranium.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel. S.</i> Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the
+courtship of your fool Clincher, too; I hope your female
+wiles will impose that upon me&mdash;&mdash;also&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad.
+I know no such person.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, woman in perfection! not know him!
+'Slife, madam, can my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes,
+be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose could not mistake
+him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from
+the balcony down to the street.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony!
+I'll be hanged but he has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's
+footman, with a new French livery, for a beau.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me
+that looks like a cully? Did I not see him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, no, you could not see him; you're
+dreaming, colonel. Will you believe your eyes,
+now that I have rubbed them open?&mdash;Here, you
+friend.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>, <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior's</span> <i>Clothes</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> This is illusion all; my eyes conspire
+against themselves. Tis legerdemain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment
+for your rude behaviour?&mdash;Oh, what a curse
+is it to love as I do!&mdash;Begone sir, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.]
+to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never
+be at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.&mdash;Send
+to me to know when I should be at home!&mdash;Begone,
+sir. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.] I am sure he has
+made me an unfortunate woman.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Weeps.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Nay, then there is no certainty in nature;
+and truth is only falsehood well disguised.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish
+passion, I should not have been subject to such unjust
+suspicions: but it is an ungrateful return.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Weeping.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Now, where are all my firm resolves? I
+hope, madam, you'll pardon me, since jealousy, that
+magnified my suspicion, is as much the effect of love,
+as my easiness in being satisfied.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir;
+cherish your suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy:
+'tis fit meat for your squeamish stomach.</p>
+<div class="center">
+ <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text">
+<tr><td align="left">With me all women should this rule pursue:</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Who think us false, should never find us true.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exit in a Rage.</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span> <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's</span> <i>Clothes</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest
+thing for a man of my parts.&mdash;How shall we
+laugh at the husband, when he is gone?&mdash;How sillily
+he looks! He's in labour of horns already.&mdash;To
+make a colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for
+the alderman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but
+he's brave, and will afford me a just revenge.&mdash;Oh,
+this is the porter I sent the challenge by&mdash;&mdash;Well sir,
+have you found him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> What the devil does he mean now?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> The note! what note?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The letter, blockhead, which I sent by
+you to Sir Harry Wildair; have you seen him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen
+him? Yes, sir&mdash;no, sir.&mdash;I have, sir&mdash;I have not, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The fellow's mad. Answer me directly,
+sirrah, or I'll break your head.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but
+as to the note, sir, I can't remember a word on't:
+truth is, I have a very bad memory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Zouns, sir, hold!&mdash;I did give him the
+note.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> And what answer?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I mean, I did not give him the note.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What, d'ye banter, rascal?&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Strikes him again.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> What was't, villain?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told
+you that I had a very treacherous memory.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll engage you shall remember me this
+month, rascal.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Beats him, and exit.</i></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it
+beaten?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Yes, I have been beaten. But where's
+my clothes? my clothes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> What, you won't leave me so soon, my
+dear, will ye?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Will ye!&mdash;If ever I peep into the colonel's
+tent again, may I be forced to run the gauntlet.
+But my clothes, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I sent the porter down stairs with them:
+did not you meet him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Meet him? No, not I.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> No! He went out at the back door, and is
+run clear away, I'm afraid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Gone, say you, and with my clothes,
+my fine Jubilee clothes?&mdash;Oh, the rogue, the thief!&mdash;I'll
+have him hang'd for murder&mdash;But how shall I get
+home in this pickle?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently,
+for he dines at home.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, then I must sneak off.
+Was ever such an unfortunate beau,
+To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Methinks, madam, the injuries you have
+suffered by men must be very great, to raise such
+heavy resentments against the whole sex;&mdash;and, I
+think, madam, your anger should be only confined to
+the author of your wrongs.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> The author! alas, I know him not.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a
+man should rob you of that same jewel, and you not
+know him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always
+sours my temper: but since, by thy faithful service, I
+have some reason to confide in your secresy, hear the
+strange relation.&mdash;Some twelve years ago, I lived at
+my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence,
+the ornamental, but weak guard of blooming
+beauty. Then it happened that three young gentlemen
+from the university coming into the country, and
+being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's:
+he was very glad of their company, and offered them
+the entertainment of his house.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these
+strolling collegians are never abroad, but upon some
+mischief.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air:
+but the third&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Ah, the third, madam&mdash;the third of all
+things, they say, is very critical.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> He was&mdash;but in short, nature formed him
+for my undoing. His very looks were witty, and his
+expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier things, than words
+could frame.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> There will be mischief by and by; I never
+heard a woman talk so much of eyes, but there were
+tears presently after.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> My father was so well pleased with his
+conversation, that he begged their company next day;
+they consented, and next night, Parly&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Ah, next night, madam&mdash;&mdash;next night (I'm
+afraid) was a night indeed.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of
+her modesty; and me, with his rhetoric, out of my
+honour. [<i>Weeps.</i>] He swore that he would come
+down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> The old bait, the old bait&mdash;I was cheated
+just so myself. [<i>Aside.</i>] But had not you the wit to
+know his name all this while?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> He told me that he was under an obligation
+to his companions, of concealing himself then, but,
+that he would write to me in two days, and let me
+know his name and quality. After all the binding
+oaths of constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto&mdash;"<i>Love
+and Honour</i>"&mdash;then we parted, and I never
+saw the dear deceiver more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> No, nor never will, I warrant you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I need not tell my griefs, which my father's
+death made a fair pretence for; he left me sole
+heiress and executrix to three thousand pounds a
+year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned
+to a hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert
+my melancholy, I went to travel. Here I will
+play my last scene; then retire to my country-house,
+and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent
+lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to
+swinge him, and his precise nephew, Vizard.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> I think, madam, you manage every body
+that comes in your way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions
+I found just and honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting
+them know my firm resolutions never to marry,
+But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've
+seldom failed to manage.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I
+suppose his designs are honourable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> That man's a riddle; there's something of
+honour in his temper that pleases; I'm sure he loves
+me too, because he's soon jealous, and soon satisfied.&mdash;But
+hang him, I have teased him enough&mdash;Besides,
+Parly, I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this
+buss and guinea I must maul once more. I'll hansel
+his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and ink;
+I must write to Vizard too.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <table style="margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" summary="text">
+<tr><td align="left">Fortune, this once assist me as before:</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Two such machines can never work in vain,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt.</i></td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="tiny" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>ACT THE FOURTH.</h3>
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Covent Garden.</i><br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>,
+<i>meeting</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you
+ere this in a more convenient place; but since my
+wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge shall be
+so too.&mdash;Draw, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Draw, sir! What shall I draw?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, come, sir, I like your facetious
+humour well enough; it shows courage and unconcern.
+I know you brave, and therefore use you thus.
+Draw your sword.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the
+devil take me if I fight.&mdash;Perhaps, colonel, this is the
+prettiest blade you have seen.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I doubt not but the arm is good; and
+therefore think both worth my resentment. Come,
+sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am
+such a madman, as to send my soul to the devil and
+body to the worms&mdash;upon every fool's errand?&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I hope you're no coward, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds
+a year, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You fought in the army, to my knowledge.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red
+coat; because 'twas fashionable.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now
+you're a soldier, colonel, and fighting's your trade;
+and I think it downright madness to contend with
+any man in his profession.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall
+take very unseemly methods, if you don't show yourself
+a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A
+gentleman! I tell you once more, colonel, that I am
+a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds a year. I
+can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages&mdash;Now
+I can't conceive how running you through
+the body should contribute one jot more to my gentility.
+But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you,
+what's the quarrel?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> A woman, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then I put up my sword. Take her.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Sir, my honour's concerned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, if your honour be concerned with a
+woman, get it out of her hands as soon as you can.&mdash;An
+honourable lover is the greatest slave in nature:
+some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel,
+this is something about the Lady Lurewell, I
+warrant; I can give you satisfaction in that affair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Do so then immediately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Put up your sword first; you know I dare
+fight, but I had much rather make you a friend than
+an enemy. I can assure you this lady will prove too
+hard for one of your temper. You have too much
+honour, too much in conscience, to be a favourite
+with the ladies.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any
+encouragement.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A man can never hear reason with his
+sword in his hand. Sheath your weapon; and then,
+if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Give me but demonstration of her granting
+you any favour, and it is enough.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Will you take my word?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Pardon me, sir, I cannot.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Will you believe your own eyes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no;
+they have deceived me already.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> That's hard&mdash;but some means I shall devise
+for your satisfaction&mdash;[<i>Noise.</i>]&mdash;We must fly this
+place, else that cluster of mob will overwhelm us.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Mob</span>, <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand's</span> <i>Wife hurrying in</i>
+<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span> <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Errand's</span> <i>Clothes</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+<p><i>Wife.</i> Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered
+my husband. Ah, my poor Timothy!&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Crying.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Dem your Timothy!&mdash;your husband
+has murdered me, woman; for he has carried away
+my fine Jubilee clothes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mob.</i> Away with him&mdash;&mdash;away with him to the
+Thames.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle
+now!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Constable</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife.</i> Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has
+murdered my husband, and robbed him of his clothes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Murder and robbery!&mdash;Then he must be a
+gentleman.&mdash;&mdash;Hands off there; he must not be
+abused.&mdash;&mdash;Give an account of yourself. Are you a
+gentleman?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> No, sir, I'm a beau.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> A beau&mdash;Then you have killed nobody, I'm
+persuaded. How came you by these clothes, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> You must know, sir, that walking along,
+sir, I don't know how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,&mdash;and
+so the porter and I changed clothes, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Very well. The man speaks reason, and like
+a gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife.</i> But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he
+changed clothes with him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court.
+Well, sir, how did you change clothes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I
+drew off his: so I put on his coat, and he put on
+mine.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty:
+search him&mdash;and if he carries no arms about him,
+we'll let him go.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> What, a case of pistols! Then the case is
+plain. Speak, what are you, sir? Whence came you,
+and whither go you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am
+going to the Jubilee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wife.</i> You shall go the gallows, you rogue.</p>
+
+<p><i>Const.</i> Away with him, away with him to Newgate,
+straight.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir. H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense&mdash;fight
+for a woman! Hard by is the lady's house, if you
+please, we'll wait on her together: you shall draw
+your sword&mdash;I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce
+your wounds received in war&mdash;I'll relate mine by
+Cupid's dart: you shall swear&mdash;I'll sigh: you shall
+sa, sa, and I'll coup&eacute;e; and if she flies not to my arms,
+like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves
+to be damned.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> With the generality of women, I grant
+you, these arts may prevail.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Generality of women! Why there again,
+you're out. They're all alike, sir: I never heard of
+any one that was particular, but one.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Who was she, pray?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a
+poetical story too. When will you find a poet in our
+age make a woman so chaste?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour
+can disguise falsehood, and make calumny pass for
+satire; but you have promised me ocular demonstration
+that she favours you: make that good, and I
+shall then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent
+as truth and falsehood.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I rely on your word and honour, Sir
+Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then meet me half an hour hence at the
+Shakspeare; you must oblige me by taking a hearty
+glass with me toward the fitting me out for a certain
+project, which this night I undertake.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I guess, by the preparation, that woman's
+the design.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, 'faith.&mdash;I am taken dangerously ill with
+two foolish maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll
+cure with Burgundy, and my love by a night's lodging
+with the damsel. A sure remedy. <i>Probatum est.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll certainly meet you, sir.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a
+sad vicious place: I wish that I were in the country
+again. And this brother of mine&mdash;I'm sorry he's so
+great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see him
+thus.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this
+same Jubilee. Who d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Who, pray?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> The Pope.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> The devil he does! My brother go to the
+place where the Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>, <i>in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior's</span> <i>Clothes</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit
+already.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> This lace will sell. What a blockhead was
+the fellow to trust me with his coat! If I can get
+cross the garden, down to the water-side, I am pretty
+secure.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Brother?&mdash;Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you
+my brother?</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> I seize you in the kings name, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament
+man now!</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Speak, you rogue, what are you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> A poor porter, and going of an errand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> What errand? Speak, you rogue.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> A fool's errand, I'm afraid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Who sent you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> A beau, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> No, no; the rogue has murdered your
+brother, and stripped him of his clothes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini!
+Oh, my poor Jubilee brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon,
+I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you killed
+him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give
+you half a crown.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed
+any man, but a carrier's horse once.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Then you shall certainly be hanged;
+but confess that you killed him, and we'll let you go.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing
+a lie can do no harm: besides, if the worst come to
+the worst, I can but deny it again.&mdash;Well, sir, since I
+must tell you, I did kill him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Here's your money, sir.&mdash;But are you
+sure you killed him dead?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> But are you sure that he's dead in law?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be
+dead in law. But he's as dead as a door nail; for I
+gave him seven knocks on the head with a hammer.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Then you have the estate by statute. Any
+man that's knocked on the head is dead in law.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> But are you sure he was compos mentis
+when he was killed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing
+to the contrary afterwards.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.&mdash;Strip,
+sir, strip. By Jupiter Ammon, strip.</p>
+
+<p><i>Dicky.</i> Ah! don't swear, sir.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Puts on his Brother's Clothes.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate,
+sir? Come, sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> I hope you'll let me go now, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour
+to swear positively before a magistrate, that you killed
+him dead, that I may enter upon the estate without
+any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my religion's
+gone, since I put on these fine clothes.&mdash;Hey, call me
+a coach somebody.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a
+justice, and when he has made oath, you may discharge
+him. And I'll go see Angelica. [<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smallcaps">Dicky</span>
+<i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom</span>.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court,
+and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee
+with the best of them.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE II.</h4>
+
+<div class="center"><p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell's</span> <i>House</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lure.</i> Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen
+gave it to him in the Park, and he told the bearer,
+with all transports of joy, that he would be punctual
+to a minute.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Thus most villains some time or other are
+punctual to their ruin; Are all things prepared for
+his reception?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman
+too is just come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then he has got woman's clothes on?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family
+for your nurse.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Convey him into that closet, and put out
+the candles, and tell him, I'll wait on him presently.
+When he is tired of his situation, let the servants pretend
+they take him for a common rogue, come with
+the intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>As</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span> <i>goes to put out the Candles,<br />
+somebody knocks.&mdash;Music plays without.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am
+not <ins title="original lacks to">to</ins> be spoken with.</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Without.</i>] I must have that from her own
+mouth, Mrs. Parly. Play, gentlemen.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Music plays again.</i></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry</span>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you
+here at this hour?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> No tempest, madam, but love madam.</p>
+<p class="right">[<span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span> <i>taking her by the Hand</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> As pure and white as angels' soft desires.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> [<i>Aside.</i>] If this be a love token, [<span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>
+<i>drops a ring, she takes it up</i>.] your mistress's
+favours hang very loose about you, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble
+of taking it up, by any thing but desiring you to wear it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> You gentlemen have the cunningest ways
+of playing the fool, and are so industrious in your
+profuseness. Speak seriously, am I beholden to chance
+or design for this ring?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> To design, upon my honour. And I hope
+my design will succeed.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart, madam, so I may be
+free with you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour
+to see you some other time; for at this very minute
+I have two lovers in the house.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute,
+for I must see another mistress within these two
+hours.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Frank and free.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> As you with me&mdash;Madam, your most humble
+servant.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Nothing can disturb his humour. Now
+for my merchant and Vizard.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit, and takes the Candles with her.</i></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>, <i>leading in</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>,<br />
+ <i>dressed in Woman's Clothes</i>.
+ </p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> This way, Mr. Alderman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Well, Mrs. Parly,&mdash;I'm obliged to you for
+this trouble: here are a couple of shillings for you.
+Times are hard, very hard indeed; but next time I'll
+steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring
+them to you&mdash;What are you fumbling about my pockets
+for?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Only setting the plaits of your gown: here,
+sir, get into this closet, and my lady will wait on you
+presently.</p>
+
+<p class="right">[<i>Puts him into the Closet, runs out,<br /> and returns
+with</i> <span class="smallcaps">Vizard</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear
+auspicious little pilot?</p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the
+closet, and will come out to you immediately.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Let me thank thee as I ought.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Kisses her.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Parly.</i> Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of
+shillings, or a couple of kisses?</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Parly</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps;
+and night, that shadows outward sense, lights up our
+inward joy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed
+with an evil spirit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Ha! I hear a voice. Madam&mdash;&mdash;my life, my
+happiness, where are you, madam?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll
+try him. Where have you left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Talk no more of that ungrateful subject&mdash;I
+left it where it has only business, with day-light; 'tis
+needless to wear a mask in the dark.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation
+has some other motive besides pleasure?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the
+world&mdash;interest&mdash;&mdash;You must know, madam, that I
+have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have seen
+him, I suppose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance
+with him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old
+rogue, that ever died of the gout.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Ah, the young son of a whore! [<i>Aside.</i>]
+Well, sir, and what of him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate,
+which I design to purchase as a saint, and spend like a
+gentleman. He got it by cheating, and should lose it
+by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety, I'll
+cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement
+and deed of conveyance&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows
+then, ye young dog.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over
+his grave with a coach and six, to inform his covetous
+ghost how genteelly I spend his money.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money
+buried with me.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Aside.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Bless me, madam! here's a light coming
+this way. I must fly immediately.&mdash;&mdash;When shall I
+see you, madam?</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Sooner than you expect, my dear.</p>
+
+<p><i>Vizard.</i> Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be
+seen for the world. I would sooner forfeit my life, my
+pleasure, than my reputation.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> Egad, and so would I too.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="tiny" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h3>ACT THE FIFTH.</h3>
+<h4>SCENE I</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Daughter, since you have to deal with a
+man of so peculiar a temper, you must not think the
+general arts of love can secure him; you may therefore
+allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary,
+without reproach to your modesty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety
+makes our modesty sit awkward, and appears rather
+a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn us; it
+should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as
+a dove, but strong and vigorous as a falcon, when assaulted.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir
+Harry's gaiety for dishonour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must
+not sleep, when powerful enemies are abroad. I must
+confess, that, of all men's, I would not see Sir Harry
+Wildair's faults.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica;
+for I'm satisfied Sir Harry's designs are only
+to court and marry you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam,
+by what means were you made acquainted with
+his designs?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard,
+who, I'm sure, is your sincere friend, sent him. He
+brought me this letter from my cousin.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Gives her the Letter, which she opens.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Ha! Vizard!&mdash;then I'm abused in earnest&mdash;Would
+Sir Harry, by his instigation, fix a base affront
+upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so ungenteel a
+crime&mdash;This letter shall trace the truth. [<i>Aside.</i>]&mdash;My
+suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I
+hope to satisfy your ladyship in my management,
+when I next see Sir Harry.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Serv.</i> Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself
+Wildair.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Conduct him up. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>.] Daughter,
+I won't doubt your discretion. </p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir Harry Wildair</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!&mdash;Madam,
+I have toasted your ladyship fifteen bumpers
+successively, and swallowed Cupids like loches
+to every glass.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> And what then, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, then, madam, the wine has got into
+my head, and the Cupids into my heart; and unless,
+by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease the
+smart, I'm a lost man, madam.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence
+a gentleman can make for rudeness; for the
+excuse is as scandalous as the fault. Therefore, pray
+consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of
+condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon
+occasion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss
+me in a blanket, half a dozen chambermaids would
+do better service. Come, come, madam; though the
+wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak
+plainer. By all the dust of my ancient progenitors,
+I must this night rest in your arms.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Nay, then&mdash;&mdash;who waits there?</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Footmen</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Take hold of that madman, and bind him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter
+will ensue. Hold&mdash;Do you know, scoundrels, that I
+have been drinking victorious Burgundy?&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Draws.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Servants.</i> We know you're drunk, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Then how have you the impudence, rascals,
+to assault a gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage
+in his head?</p>
+
+<p><i>Servants.</i> We must do as our young mistress commands
+us.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [<i>Throws
+Money among them; they scramble and take it up: he
+pelting them out, shuts the Door, and returns.</i>] Rascals,
+poltroons!&mdash;I have charmed the dragon, and now the
+fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight;
+and now I'll take the general prisoner.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Laying hold on her.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of
+Honour, by your dead father's name, and the fair reputation
+of your mother's chastity, that you offer not
+the least offence. Already you have wronged me past
+redress.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Thou art the most unaccountable creature&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream
+of loose desire, could prompt you to attempt this baseness?&mdash;View
+me well&mdash;&mdash;the brightness of my mind,
+methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see
+your mistake in my behaviour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Mimicking.</i>] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi
+didum. A million to one, now, but this girl is just
+come flush from reading the Rival Queens&mdash;&mdash;'Egad,
+I'll at her in her own cant&mdash;Oh, my Statira! Oh, my
+angry dear! turn thy eyes on me&mdash;behold thy beau
+in buskins.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought,
+free from those fumes of wine that throw a mist before
+your sight, and you shall find that every glance
+from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp resentment,
+and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour
+dead.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> This is the first whore in heroics that I have
+met with. [<i>Aside.</i>] Lookye, madam, as to that slender
+particular of your virtue, we sha'n't quarrel about it;
+you may be as virtuous as any woman in England, if
+you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider,
+what is this same virtue that you make such a
+mighty noise about&mdash;Can your virtue keep you a
+coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk
+on foot.&mdash;Can your virtue stake for you at picquet?
+No. Then what business has a woman with virtue?
+Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas;
+there's a hundred&mdash;&mdash;The devil!&mdash;virtuous still!&mdash;Why,
+it is a hundred, five score, a hundred guineas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst
+not use me thus. But the mean, poor abuse you
+throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our sex still
+strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards
+dare affront a woman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas
+will set you up a bank at basset; a hundred guineas
+will furnish out your closet with china; a hundred
+guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred
+guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your
+billet-doux, or a fine Common Prayer Book for your
+virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred fine
+things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine
+ladies are for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are&mdash;&mdash;'Egad,
+this Burgundy makes a man speak like
+an angel&mdash;&mdash;Come, come, madam, take it, and put it
+to what use you please.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> I'll use it as I would the base unworthy
+giver, thus&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I have no mind to meddle in state affairs;
+but these women will make me a parliament-man in
+spite of my teeth, on purpose to bring in a bill against
+their extortion. She tramples under foot that deity
+which all the world adores&mdash;Oh, the blooming pride
+of beautiful eighteen!&mdash;Pshaw!&mdash;I'll talk to her no
+longer; I'll make my market with the old gentlewoman;
+she knows business better&mdash;&mdash;[<i>Goes to the
+Door.</i>]&mdash;Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady
+to walk in&mdash;&mdash;Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your
+mother.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my
+daughter, pray?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Like her, madam!&mdash;Harkye, will you take
+it?&mdash;Why, 'faith, madam&mdash;Take the money, I say,
+or, 'egad, all's out.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> All shall out&mdash;Sir, you are a scandal to the
+name of gentleman.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> With all my heart, madam&mdash;In short, madam,
+your daughter has used me somewhat too familiarly,
+though I have treated her like a woman of quality.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> How, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred
+guineas.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> A hundred guineas! Upon what score?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these
+old women love to hear bawdy!&mdash;Why, 'faith, madam,
+I have never a <i>double entendre</i> ready at present;
+but I suppose you know upon what score.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose
+for modest ears to hear&mdash;&mdash;Madam, I did before suspect,
+that his designs were base, now they're too
+plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour,
+is made a tool to a knave&mdash;Vizard has sent
+him on a bully's errand, to affront a woman; but I
+scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know
+who we are, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Know who you are! Why, your daughter
+there, is Mr. Vizard's&mdash;cousin, I suppose. And for
+you, madam&mdash;I suppose your ladyship to be one of
+those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who
+keep their visiting days for the entertainment of their
+presenting friends, whom they treat with imperial
+tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I
+suppose you do understand me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou
+abusive man, what injury have you ever received from
+me, or mine, thus to engage you in this scandalous
+aspersion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce
+you thus to debase yourself below your rank?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you,
+my fair Statira, be not so very heroic in your style:
+Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer all the
+impertinent questions you have made me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D. and Ang.</i> We appeal to that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and
+the contents were pretty plain, I thought.</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we
+are injured, and you deceived.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> [<i>Opening the Letter.</i>] But hold, madam,
+[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.] before I read I'll make some
+condition:&mdash;Mr. Vizard says here, that I won't scruple
+thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have
+clapped in another cypher to the account, and made
+it three or four hundred, 'egad I'll not stand to't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> The letter, sir, shall answer you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well then&mdash;[Reads.] <i>Out of my earnest inclination
+to serve your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica</i>&mdash;Ay,
+ay, the very words, I can say it by heart&mdash;<i>I
+have sent Sir Harry Wildair to</i>&mdash;What the devil's
+this?&mdash;<i>Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin</i>&mdash;He
+read to me quite a different thing&mdash;<i>He's a gentleman
+of great parts and fortune</i>&mdash;He's a son of a whore,
+and a rascal&mdash;<i>And would make your daughter very
+happy</i> [Whistles.] <i>in a husband</i>.&mdash;&mdash;[<i>Looks foolish, and
+hums a Song.</i>]&mdash;Oh! poor Sir Harry, what have thy
+angry stars designed?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to
+redress our wrongs, since even the injury points the
+way.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Think, sir, that our blood for many generations
+has run in the purest channel of unsullied honour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Ay, madam.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Bows to her.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation,
+which the least air of foul detraction blasts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Yes, madam.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Bows to the other.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Call then to mind your rude and scandalous
+behaviour.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Right, madam.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Bows again.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> Remember the base price you offered me.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> And think that Vizard,&mdash;villain Vizard,&mdash;caused
+all this, yet lives: that's all: farewell.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Stay, madam, [<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.] one
+word; is there no other way to redress your wrongs,
+but by fighting?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Only one, sir; which, if you can think
+of, you may do: you know the business I entertained
+you for.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I understand you, madam. [<i>Exit</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady
+Darling</span>.] Here am I brought to a very pretty dilemma.
+I must commit murder, or commit matrimony;
+which is the best now? a license from Doctors'
+Commons, or a sentence from the Old Bailey?&mdash;If
+I kill my man, the law hangs me; if I marry
+my woman, I shall hang myself.&mdash;&mdash;But, damn it&mdash;cowards
+dare fight:&mdash;I'll marry, that's the most daring
+action of the two.&nbsp;<span class="ind2"><i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>SCENE II.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><i>Newgate.</i><br />
+<br />
+<span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>solus</i>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> How severe and melancholy are Newgate
+reflections! Last week my father died; yesterday
+I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the heels,
+and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.&mdash;&mdash;I was
+agreeing with a bookseller about printing an account
+of my journey through France and Italy; but now
+the history of my travels must be through Holborn,
+to Tyburn.&mdash;"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher,
+that was going to the Jubilee&mdash;Come, a
+halfpenny a-piece."&mdash;A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!
+'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise
+in the world.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Tom Errand</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear&mdash;damned
+rogue. Where have you been? Thou art the most
+welcome&mdash;son of a whore; where's my clothes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Tom.</i> Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip,
+sir, strip.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Sir, you cannot master me, for I am
+twenty thousand strong.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt, struggling.</i></p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<h4>SCENE III.</h4>
+
+<div class="center">
+ <p class="noindent"><span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling's</span> <i>House</i>.<br />
+<br />
+<i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span>, <i>with Cards</i>; <span class="smallcaps">Servants</span>
+<i>following</i>.
+</p>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed;
+you to Westminster, you to St. James's, and
+you into the city. Tell all my friends, a bridegroom's
+joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am married.
+If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them,
+that I am married; that joy shall crown the day,
+and love the night. Begone, fly.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now
+complete, since I can share it with my friend: brisk
+joy shall bound from me to you; then back again;
+and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but
+this transcends yourself: whence proceeds it?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence
+flows all earthly joy? What is the life of man, and
+soul of pleasure? Woman.&mdash;&mdash;What fires the heart
+with transport, and the soul with raptures?&mdash;Lovely
+woman&mdash;&mdash;What is the master-stroke and smile of
+the creation, but charming, virtuous woman?&mdash;Methinks,
+my friend, you relish not my joy. What is
+the cause?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Canst thou not guess?&mdash;What is the bane
+of man, and scourge of life, but woman?&mdash;What is
+the heathenish idol man sets up, and is damned for
+worshipping? Treacherous woman.&mdash;Woman, whose
+composition inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly,
+but their souls are clay.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I
+know your wrongs received from Lurewell may
+excuse your resentment against her. But it is unpardonable
+to charge the failings of a single woman
+upon the whole sex. I have found one, whose virtues&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> So have I, Sir Harry; I have found
+one whose pride's above yielding to a prince. And
+if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood, be no
+breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as
+infancy.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows
+stronger by opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave
+the argument, and only beg you for this day to make
+a show of complaisance at least.&mdash;Here comes my
+charming bride.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> [<i>Saluting</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.] I wish you,
+madam, all the joys of love and fortune.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Junior</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon
+the spur, and have only a minute to take my leave.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Whither are you bound, sir?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Bound, sir! I'm going to the Jubilee,
+sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> Bless me, cousin! how came you by these
+clothes?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Clothes! ha! ha! ha! the rarest jest!
+ha! ha! ha! I shall burst, by Jupiter Ammon&mdash;I
+shall burst.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> What's the matter, cousin?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> The matter! ha! ha! Why, an honest
+porter, ha! ha! ha! has knocked out my brother's
+brains&mdash;ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A very good jest, i'faith&mdash;ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Ay, sir; but the best jest of all is, he
+knocked out his brains with a hammer&mdash;and so he is
+as dead as a door-nail! ha! ha! ha!</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> And do you laugh, wretch?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Laugh! ha! ha! ha! let me see e'er a
+younger brother in England, that won't laugh at such
+a jest!</p>
+
+<p><i>Ang.</i> You appeared a very sober, pious gentleman,
+some hours ago.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Pshaw! I was a fool then; but now,
+madam, I'm a wit; I can rake now. As for your
+part, madam, you might have had me once; but
+now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk, or
+gnawing the sheets, it is none of my fault. Now,
+madam, I have got an estate, and I must go to the
+Jubilee.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Clincher Senior</span>, <i>in a Blanket</i>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Must you so, rogue&mdash;must ye? You will
+go to the Jubilee, will you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> A ghost! a ghost! send for the Dean
+and Chapter presently.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> A ghost! No, no, sirrah! I'm an elder
+brother, rogue.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> I don't care a farthing for that; I'm
+sure you're dead in law.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Why so, sirrah&mdash;why so?</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Because, sir, I can get a fellow to
+swear he knocked out your brains.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> An odd way of swearing a man out of his
+life!</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> Smell him, gentlemen, he has a deadly
+scent about him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. sen.</i> Truly, the apprehensions of death may
+have made me savour a little. O lord! the Colonel!
+The apprehension of him may make the savour worse,
+I'm afraid.</p>
+
+<p><i>Clinch. jun.</i> In short, sir, were you a ghost, or brother,
+or devil, I will go to the Jubilee, by Jupiter Ammon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Go to the Jubilee! go to the bear-garden.
+Get you to your native plough and cart; converse
+with animals like yourself, sheep and oxen:
+men are creatures you don't understand.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smallcaps">Servant</span>, <i>who whispers</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Let them alone, colonel, their folly will be
+now diverting. Come, gentlemen, we'll dispute this
+point some other time.&mdash;Madam, shall I beg you to
+entertain the company in the next room for a moment?</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>To</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Darling</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady D.</i> With all my heart&mdash;&mdash;Come, gentlemen.</p>
+<p class="right">[<i>Exeunt all but</i> <span class="smallcaps">Wildair</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A lady to inquire for me! Who can this
+be?</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Lady Lurewell</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation&mdash;to
+come uninvited to dance at my wedding.&mdash;&mdash;What
+d'ye gaze at, madam?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> A monster&mdash;if thou'rt married, thou'rt
+the most perjured wretch that e'er avouch'd deceit.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Heyday! Why, madam, I'm sure I never
+swore to marry you: I made, indeed, a slight
+promise, upon condition of your granting me a small favour;
+but you would not consent, you know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> How he upbraids me with my shame!&mdash;Can
+you deny your binding vows, when this appears
+a witness against your falsehood! [<i>Shows a Ring.</i>]
+Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge should flash
+confusion in your guilty face&mdash;Read, read here the
+binding words of love and honour&mdash;words not unknown
+to your perfidious tongue, though utter strangers
+to your treacherous heart.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> The woman's stark staring mad, that's certain.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Was it maliciously designed to let me find
+my misery when past redress? To let me know you,
+only to know you false? Had not cursed chance
+showed me the motto, I had been happy: the first
+knowledge I had of you was fatal to me&mdash;and this
+second, worse.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> What the devil is all this! Madam, I'm not
+at leisure for raillery at present, I have weighty affairs
+upon my hands: the business of pleasure, madam:
+any other time&mdash;&mdash;&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Stay, I conjure you, stay.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> 'Faith, I can't, my bride expects me; but
+harkye, when the honey-moon is over, about a month
+or two hence, I may do you a small favour.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens,
+or I shall burst. Woman's weakness, man's falsehood,
+my own shame, and love's disdain, at once swell up
+my breast&mdash;&mdash;Words, words, or I shall burst.&nbsp;<span class="ind2">[<i>Going.</i></span></p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Colonel Standard</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Stay, madam, you need not shun my
+sight; for if you are perfect woman, you have confidence
+to outface a crime, and bear the charge of
+guilt without a blush.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> The charge of guilt! what, making a
+fool of you? I've done it, and glory in the act: dissembling
+to the prejudice of men, is virtue; and every
+look, or sign, or smile, or tear that can deceive, is
+meritorious.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Very pretty principles, truly. If there
+be truth in woman, 'tis now in thee. Come, madam,
+you know that you're discovered, and, being sensible
+that you cannot escape, you would now turn to bay.
+That ring, madam, proclaims you guilty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> O monster, villain, perfidious villain! Has
+he told you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I'll tell it you, and loudly too.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> O, name it not&mdash;&mdash;Yet, speak it out, 'tis
+so just a punishment for putting faith in man, that I
+will bear it all. Speak now, what his busy scandal,
+and your improving malice, both dare utter.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Your falsehood can't be reached by malice
+nor by satire; your actions are the justest libel on
+your fame; your words, your looks, your tears, I did
+believe in spite of common fame. Nay, 'gainst mine
+own eyes, I still maintained your truth. I imagined
+Wildair's boasting of your favours to be the pure result
+of his own vanity: at last he urged your taking
+presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you
+yesterday from him received that ring, which ring,
+that I might be sure he gave it, I lent him for that
+purpose.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Ha! you lent it him for that purpose!</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that
+purpose&mdash;&mdash;No denying it&mdash;I know it well, for I
+have worn it long, and desire it now, madam, to restore
+it to the just owner.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> The just owner! Think, sir, think but of
+what importance 'tis to own it: if you have love and
+honour in your soul, 'tis then most justly yours; if
+not, you are a robber, and have stolen it basely.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Ha! your words, like meeting flints,
+have struck a light, to show me something strange
+&mdash;&mdash;But tell me instantly, is not your real name
+Manly?</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Answer me first: did not you receive this
+ring about twelve years ago?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I did.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> And were not you about that time entertained
+two nights at the house of Sir Oliver Manly,
+in Oxfordshire?</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> I was! I was! [<i>Runs to her, and embraces
+her.</i>] The blest remembrance fires my soul with
+transport&mdash;&mdash;I know the rest&mdash;&mdash;you are the charming
+she, and I the happy man.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> How has blind fortune stumbled on the
+right? But where have you wandered since?&mdash;'Twas
+cruel to forsake me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> The particulars of my fortune are too
+tedious now: but to discharge myself from the stain
+of dishonour, I must tell you, that immediately upon
+my return to the university, my elder brother and I
+quarrelled: my father, to prevent farther mischief,
+posts me away to travel: I wrote to you from London,
+but fear the letter came not to your hands.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> I never had the least account of you by
+letter, or otherwise.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Three years I lived abroad, and at my
+return, found you were gone out of the kingdom,
+though none could tell me whither: missing you thus,
+I went to Flanders, served my king till the peace
+commenced; then fortunately going on board at Amsterdam,
+one ship transported us both to England.
+At the first sight I loved, though ignorant of the hidden
+cause&mdash;&mdash;You may remember, madam, that, talking
+once of marriage, I told you I was engaged&mdash;to
+your dear self I meant.</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> Then men are still most generous and
+brave&mdash;and, to reward your truth, an estate of three
+thousand pounds a year waits your acceptance; and,
+if I can satisfy you in my past conduct, I shall expect
+the honourable performance of your promise, and
+that you will stay with me in England.</p>
+
+<p><i>Colonel S.</i> Stay&mdash;Nor fame, nor glory e'er shall
+part us more. My honour can be no where more
+concerned than here.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Sir H. Wildair</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smallcaps">Angelica</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p class="noindent">Oh, Sir Harry! Fortune has acted miracles to-day:
+the story's strange and tedious, but all amounts to
+this&mdash;that woman's mind is charming as her person,
+and I am made a convert too to beauty.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> I wanted only this, to make my pleasure
+perfect.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<p class="noindent"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smallcaps">Smuggler</span>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to find
+you so merry; is my gracious nephew among ye?</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Sir, he dares not show his face among such
+honourable company; for your gracious nephew
+is&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> What, sir? Have a care what you say.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> A villain, sir.</p>
+
+<p><i>Smug.</i> With all my heart. I'll pardon you the
+beating me, for that very word. And pray, Sir Harry,
+when you see him next, tell him this news from me,
+that I have disinherited him&mdash;that I will leave him as
+poor as a disbanded quarter-master.&mdash;Oh, Sir Harry,
+he is as hypocritical&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady L.</i> As yourself, Mr. Alderman. How fares
+my good old nurse, pray, sir?&mdash;&mdash;Come, Mr. Alderman,
+for once let a woman advise:&mdash;Would you be
+thought an honest man, banish covetousness, that
+worst gout of age: avarice is a poor pilfering quality,
+of the soul, and will, as certainly cheat, as a thief
+would steal. Would you be thought a reformer of
+the times, be less severe in your censures, less rigid in
+your precepts, and more strict in your example.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sir H.</i> Right, madam, virtue flows freer from imitation
+than compulsion; of which, colonel, your conversion
+and mine, are just examples.</p>
+
+<div class="center">
+<table style="margin: 0 auto" border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="poem">
+<tr><td align="left">In vain are musty morals taught in schools,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">And frights the pupil from its rough commands</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">But woman&mdash;&mdash;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Charming woman can true converts make,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">We love the precept for the teacher's sake.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay,</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="left">We hear with transport, and with pride obey.</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="right">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></td></tr>
+<tr><td>&nbsp;</td></tr>
+<tr><td align="center">THE END.</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="minimal" />
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<table border="0" style="background-color: #E6F6FA; margin: 0 auto" cellpadding="4" summary="NOTES">
+<tr>
+<td colspan="2">
+		<div class="center">TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE</div>
+
+<p style="background-color: #E6F6FA">
+The text includes a number of words with alternate spellings or
+spellings no longer common. These have been retained. A single
+instance of dy'e was changed to match the otherwise usual d'ye.</p>
+
+<p>The following additional changes were made
+and may be identified in the body of the text by a grey dotted underline:</p>
+</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+ <td class="w50" align="left" valign="top">I ha'n't vered half my message</td>
+<td align="left" valign="top">I ha'n't <i>delivered</i> half my message.</td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr>
+ <td align="left" valign="top">(&hellip;) tell him I am not be spoken with.</td>
+ <td align="left" valign="top">(&hellip;) tell him I am not <i>to</i> be spoken with.</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="full" />
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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Constant Couple, by George Farquhar, et al
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: The Constant Couple
+       or, A Trip to the Jubilee
+
+
+Author: George Farquhar
+
+
+
+Release Date: May 18, 2010  [eBook #32419]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONSTANT COUPLE***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Delphine Lettau and the Project Gutenberg Online
+Distributed Proofreading Canada Team (http://www.pgdpcanada.net)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustration.
+      See 32419-h.htm or 32419-h.zip:
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32419/32419-h/32419-h.htm)
+      or
+      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/32419/32419-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+THE CONSTANT COUPLE;
+
+Or,
+
+A Trip to the Jubilee;
+
+A Comedy, in Five Acts;
+
+by
+
+GEORGE FARQUHAR, ESQ.
+
+As Performed at the Theatres Royal,
+Drury Lane and Covent Garden.
+
+Printed Under the Authority of the Managers
+from the Prompt Book.
+
+With remarks by Mrs. Inchbald.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+London:
+Printed for Longman, Hurst, Rees, and Orme,
+Paternoster Row.
+
+William Savage, Printer,
+London.
+
+
+
+
+REMARKS.
+
+
+George Farquhar, the author of this comedy, was the son of a clergyman
+in the north of Ireland. He was born in the year 1678, discovered an
+early taste for literature, and wrote poetic stanzas at ten years of
+age.
+
+In 1694 he was sent to Trinity College, Dublin, and there made such
+progress in his studies as to acquire considerable reputation. But he
+was volatile and poor--the first misfortune led him to expense; the
+second, to devise means how to support his extravagance.
+
+The theatre has peculiar charms for men of letters. Whether as a subject
+of admiration or animadversion, it is still a source of high amusement;
+and here Farquhar fixed his choice of a profession, in the united
+expectations of pleasure and of profit--he appeared on the stage as an
+actor, and was disappointed of both.
+
+The author of this licentious comedy is said to have possessed the
+advantages of person, manners, and elocution, to qualify him for an
+actor; but that he could never overcome his natural timidity. Courage
+is a whimsical virtue. It acts upon one man so as to make him expose
+his whole body to danger, whilst he dares not venture into the
+slightest peril one sentiment of his mind. Such is often the soldier's
+valour.--Another trembles to expose his person either to a wound or to
+the eye of criticism, and yet will dare to publish every thought that
+ever found entrance into his imagination. Such is often the valour of a
+poet.
+
+Farquhar, abashed on exhibiting his person upon the stage, sent boldly
+thither his most indecorous thoughts, and was rewarded for his audacity.
+
+In the year 1700 he brought out this comedy of "The Constant Couple; or,
+A Trip to the Jubilee." It was then the Jubilee year at Rome, and the
+author took advantage of that occurrence to render the title of his
+drama popular; for which cause alone it must be supposed he made any
+thing in his play refer to that festival, as no one material point is in
+any shape connected with it.
+
+At the time Farquhar was a performer, a sincere friendship was formed
+between him and Wilks, the celebrated fine gentleman of the stage--for
+him, Farquhar wrote the character of Sir Harry Wildair; and Wilks, by
+the very admirable manner in which he supported the part, divided with
+the author those honours which the first appearance of the work obtained
+him.
+
+As a proof that this famed actor's abilities, in the representation of
+the fine gentlemen of his day, were not over-rated, no actor, since he
+quitted the stage, has been wholly successful in the performance of this
+character; and, from Wilks down to the present time, the part has only
+been supported, with celebrity, by women.
+
+The noted Mrs. Woffington was highly extolled in Sir Harry; and Mrs.
+Jordan has been no less admired and attractive.
+
+But it must be considered as a disgrace to the memory of the men of
+fashion, of the period in which Wildair was brought on the stage, that
+he has ever since been justly personated, by no other than the female
+sex. In this particular, at least, the present race of fashionable
+beaux cannot be said to have degenerated; for, happily, they can be
+represented by men.
+
+The love story of Standard and Lurewell, in this play, is interesting to
+the reader, though, in action, an audience scarcely think of either of
+them; or of any one in the drama, with whom the hero is not positively
+concerned. Yet these two lovers, it would seem, love with all the
+usual ardour and constancy of gallants and mistresses in plays and
+novels--unfortunately, with the same short memories too! Authors, and
+some who do not generally deal in wonders, often make persons, the most
+tenderly attached to each other, so easily forget the shape, the air,
+the every feature of the dear beloved, as to pass, after a few years
+separation, whole days together, without the least conjecture that each
+is the very object of the other's search! Whilst all this surprising
+forgetfulness possesses them, as to the figure, face, and mind of him or
+her whom they still adore, show either of them but a ring, a bracelet,
+a mole, a scar, and here remembrance instantly occupies its place,
+and both are immediately inspired with every sensation which first
+testified their mutual passion. Still the sober critic must arraign the
+strength of this love with the shortness of its recollection; and charge
+the renewal of affection for objects that no longer appear the same, to
+fickleness rather than to constancy.
+
+The biographers of Farquhar, who differ in some articles concerning him,
+all agree that he was married, in the year 1704, to a lady, who was so
+violently in love with him, that, despairing to win him by her own
+attractions, she contrived a vast scheme of imposition, by which she
+allured him into wedlock, with the full conviction that he had married a
+woman of immense fortune.
+
+The same biographers all bestow the highest praise upon poor Farquhar
+for having treated this wife with kindness; humanely forgiving the fault
+which had deprived him of that liberty he was known peculiarly to prize,
+and reduced him to the utmost poverty, in order to support her and her
+children.
+
+This woman, whose pretended love was of such fatal import to its object,
+not long enjoyed her selfish happiness--her husband's health gradually
+declined, and he died four years after his marriage. It is related that
+he met death with fortitude and cheerfulness. He could scarcely do
+otherwise, when life had become a burden to him. He had, however, some
+objects of affection to leave behind, as appears by the following
+letter, which he wrote a few days before his decease, and directed to
+his friend Wilks:--
+
+"DEAR BOB,
+
+"I have not any thing to leave you to perpetuate my memory, except two
+helpless girls; look upon them sometimes, and think of him that was, to
+the last moment of his life, thine,
+
+                                                    "GEORGE FARQUHAR."
+
+Wilks protected the children--their mother died in extreme indigence.
+
+
+
+
+DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
+
+                     DRURY LANE.              COVENT GARDEN.
+
+ SIR HARRY WILDAIR   _Mr. Elliston._          _Mr. Lewis._
+ ALDERM. SMUGGLER    _Mr. Dowton._            _Mr. Quick._
+ COLONEL STANDARD    _Mr. Barrymore._         _Mr. Farren._
+ CLINCHER, JUN.      _Mr. Collins._           _Mr. Blanchard._
+ BEAU CLINCHER       _Mr. Bannister._         _Mr. Cubitt._
+ VIZARD              _Mr. Holland._           _Mr. Macready._
+ TOM ERRAND          _Mr. Wewitzer._          _Mr. Powell._
+ DICKY               _Mr. Purser._            _Mr. Simmons._
+ CONSTABLE           _Mr. Maddocks._          _Mr. Thompson._
+ SERVANTS            _Mr. Fisher, &c._
+
+ LADY LUREWELL       _Mrs. Powell._           _Miss Chapman._
+ LADY DARLING        _Miss Tidswell._         _Miss Platt._
+ ANGELICA            _Miss Mellon._           _Mrs. Mountain._
+ PARLY               _Mrs. Scott._            _Miss Stuart._
+ TOM ERRAND'S WIFE   _Mrs. Maddocks._
+
+ _SCENE--London._
+
+
+
+
+THE
+CONSTANT COUPLE.
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIRST.
+
+
+SCENE I
+
+_The Park_
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD _with a Letter, his_ SERVANT _following_.
+
+
+_Vizard._ Angelica send it back unopened! say you?
+
+_Serv._ As you see, sir?
+
+_Vizard._ The pride of these virtuous women is more insufferable than
+the immodesty of prostitutes--After all my encouragement, to slight me
+thus!
+
+_Serv._ She said, sir, that imagining your morals sincere, she gave you
+access to her conversation; but that your late behaviour in her company
+has convinced her that your love and religion are both hypocrisy, and
+that she believes your letter, like yourself, fair on the outside, and
+foul within; so sent it back unopened.
+
+_Vizard._ May obstinacy guard her beauty till wrinkles bury it.--I'll be
+revenged the very first opportunity.----Saw you the old Lady Darling,
+her mother?
+
+_Serv._ Yes, sir, and she was pleased to say much in your commendation.
+
+_Vizard._ That's my cue----An esteem grafted in old age is hardly rooted
+out; years stiffen their opinions with their bodies, and old zeal is
+only to be cozened by young hypocrisy. [_Aside._] Run to the Lady
+Lurewell's, and know of her maid whether her ladyship will be at home
+this evening. Her beauty is sufficient cure for Angelica's scorn.
+
+     [_Exit_ SERVANT. VIZARD _pulls out a Book, reads, and walks about_.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ Ay, there's a pattern for the young men o' th' times; at his
+meditation so early; some book of pious ejaculations, I'm sure.
+
+_Vizard._ This Hobbes is an excellent fellow! [_Aside._] Oh, uncle
+Smuggler! To find you at this end o' th' town is a miracle.
+
+_Smug._ I have seen a miracle this morning indeed, cousin Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it, pray, sir?
+
+_Smug._ A man at his devotion so near the court--I'm very glad, boy,
+that you keep your sanctity untainted in this infectious place; the very
+air of this park is heathenish, and every man's breath I meet scents of
+atheism.
+
+_Vizard._ Surely, sir, some great concern must bring you to this
+unsanctified end of the town.
+
+_Smug._ A very unsanctified concern, truly, cousin.
+
+_Vizard._ What is it?
+
+_Smug._ A lawsuit, boy--Shall I tell you?--My ship, the Swan, is newly
+arrived from St. Sebastian, laden with Portugal wines: now the impudent
+rogue of a tide-waiter has the face to affirm it is French wines in
+Spanish casks, and has indicted me upon the statute----Oh, conscience!
+conscience! these tide-waiters and surveyors plague us more than the
+war--Ay, there's another plague of the nation--
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A red coat and cockade.
+
+_Vizard._ Colonel Standard, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ May be not, sir.
+
+_Vizard._ Why so?
+
+_Colonel S._ Because----I'm disbanded.
+
+_Vizard._ How! Broke?
+
+_Colonel S._ This very morning, in Hyde-Park, my brave regiment, a
+thousand men, that looked like lions yesterday, were scattered, and
+looked as poor and simple as the herd of deer that grazed beside them.
+
+_Smug._ Tal, al deral. [_Singing._] I'll have a bonfire this night as
+high as the monument.
+
+_Colonel S._ A bonfire! Thou dry, withered, ill-nature; had not those
+brave fellows' swords defended you, your house had been a bonfire ere
+this, about your ears.----Did we not venture our lives, sir?
+
+_Smug._ And did we not pay for your lives, sir?--Venture your lives! I'm
+sure we ventured our money, and that's life and soul to me.----Sir,
+we'll maintain you no longer.
+
+_Colonel S._ Then your wives shall, old Actaeon. There are five and
+thirty strapping officers gone this morning to live upon free quarter in
+the city.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord! oh, lord! I shall have a son within these nine months,
+born with a leading staff in his hand.----Sir, you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that you are----
+
+_Colonel S._ What, sir?
+
+_Smug._ Disbanded, sir, that's all----I see my lawyer yonder.   [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ Sir, I'm very sorry for your misfortune.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why so? I don't come to borrow money of you; if you're my
+friend, meet me this evening at the Rummer; I'll pay my foy, drink a
+health to my king, prosperity to my country, and away for Hungary
+to-morrow morning.
+
+_Vizard._ What! you won't leave us?
+
+_Colonel S._ What! a soldier stay here, to look like an old pair of
+colours in Westminster Hall, ragged and rusty! No, no----I met yesterday
+a broken lieutenant, he was ashamed to own that he wanted a dinner, but
+wanted to borrow eighteen pence of me to buy a new scabbard for his
+sword.
+
+_Vizard._ Oh, but you have good friends, colonel!
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, very good friends! My father's a lord, and my elder
+brother, a beau; mighty good indeed!
+
+_Vizard._ But your country may, perhaps, want your sword again.
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, for that matter, let but a single drum beat up for
+volunteers between Ludgate and Charing Cross, and I shall undoubtedly
+hear it at the walls of Buda.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, colonel, there are ways of making your fortune at
+home--Make your addresses to the fair; you're a man of honour and
+courage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, my courage is like to do me wondrous service with the
+fair. This pretty cross cut over my eye will attract a duchess--I
+warrant 'twill be a mighty grace to my ogling--Had I used the stratagem
+of a certain brother colonel of mine, I might succeed.
+
+_Vizard._ What was it, pray?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, to save his pretty face for the women, he always
+turned his back upon the enemy.--He was a man of honour for the ladies.
+
+_Vizard._ Come, come, the loves of Mars and Venus will never fail; you
+must get a mistress.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pr'ythee, no more on't--You have awakened a thought, from
+which, and the kingdom, I would have stolen away at once.----To be
+plain, I have a mistress.
+
+_Vizard._ And she's cruel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No.
+
+_Vizard._ Her parents prevent your happiness?
+
+_Colonel S._ Not that.
+
+_Vizard._ Then she has no fortune?
+
+_Colonel S._ A large one. Beauty to tempt all mankind, and virtue to
+beat off their assaults. Oh, Vizard! such a creature!
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, _crosses the Stage singing, with_ FOOTMEN
+_after him_.
+
+Heyday! who the devil have we here?
+
+_Vizard._ The joy of the playhouse, and life of the park; Sir Harry
+Wildair, newly come from Paris.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair! Did not he go a volunteer some three or
+four years ago?
+
+_Vizard._ The same.
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, he behaved himself very bravely.
+
+_Vizard._ Why not? Dost think bravery and gaiety are inconsistent? He's
+a gentleman of most happy circumstances, born to a plentiful estate; has
+had a genteel and easy education, free from the rigidness of teachers,
+and pedantry of schools. His florid constitution being never ruffled by
+misfortune, nor stinted in its pleasures, has rendered him entertaining
+to others, and easy to himself. Turning all passion into gaiety of
+humour, by which he chuses rather to rejoice with his friends, than be
+hated by any; as you shall see.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ Who thought to find you out of the Rubric so long? I thought
+thy hypocrisy had been wedded to a pulpit-cushion long ago.--Sir, if I
+mistake not your face, your name is Standard?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, gentlemen, the news, the news o' th' town, for I'm just
+arrived.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, in the city end o' th' town we're playing the knave, to
+get estates.
+
+_Colonel S._ And in the court end playing the fool, in spending them.
+
+_Sir H._ Just so in Paris. I'm glad we're grown so modish.
+
+_Vizard._ We are so reformed, that gallantry is taken for vice.
+
+_Colonel S._ And hypocrisy for religion.
+
+_Sir H._ A-la-mode de Paris again.
+
+_Vizard._ Nothing like an oath in the city.
+
+_Colonel S._ That's a mistake; for my major swore a hundred and fifty
+last night to a merchant's wife in her bed-chamber.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! this is trifling; tell me news, gentlemen. What lord has
+lately broke his fortune at the clubs, or his heart at Newmarket, for
+the loss of a race? What wife has been lately suing in Doctor's-Commons
+for alimony: or what daughter run away with her father's valet? What
+beau gave the noblest ball at Bath, or had the gayest equipage in town?
+I want news, gentlemen.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, sir, these are no news at all.
+
+_Vizard._ But, pray, Sir Harry, tell us some news of your travels.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.--You must know, then, I went over to
+Amsterdam in a Dutch ship. I went from thence to Landen, where I was
+heartily drubbed in battle, with the butt end of a Swiss musket. I
+thence went to Paris, where I had half a dozen intrigues, bought half a
+dozen new suits, fought a couple of duels, and here I am again _in statu
+quo_.
+
+_Vizard._ But we heard that you designed to make the tour of Italy: what
+brought you back so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ That which brought you into the world, and may perhaps carry
+you out of it;--a woman.
+
+_Colonel S._ What! quit the pleasures of travel for a woman?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, colonel, for such a woman! I had rather see her _ruelle_
+than the palace of Louis le Grand. There's more glory in her smile, than
+in the jubilee at Rome! and I would rather kiss her hand than the Pope's
+toe.
+
+_Vizard._ You, colonel, have been very lavish in the beauty and virtue
+of your mistress; and Sir Harry here has been no less eloquent in the
+praise of his. Now will I lay you both ten guineas a-piece, that neither
+of them is so pretty, so witty, or so virtuous, as mine.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis done.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll double the stakes--But, gentlemen, now I think on't, how
+shall we be resolved? For I know not where my mistress may be found; she
+left Paris about a month before me, and I had an account----
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir! left Paris about a month before you?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, and I had an account that she lodged somewhere in St.
+James's.
+
+_Vizard._ How! somewhere in St. James's say you?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, sir, but I know not where, and perhaps may'nt find her this
+fortnight.
+
+_Colonel S._ Her name, pray, Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, ay, her name; perhaps we know her.
+
+_Sir H._ Her name! Ay, she has the softest, whitest hand that ever was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her neck and----
+
+_Vizard._ But her name, sir? her quality?
+
+_Sir H._ Then her shape, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ But her name I want, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her eyes, Vizard!
+
+_Colonel S._ Pshaw, Sir Harry! her name, or nothing!
+
+_Sir H._ Then if you must have it, she's called the Lady----But then
+her foot, gentlemen! she dances to a miracle. Vizard, you have certainly
+lost your wager.
+
+_Vizard._ Why, you have certainly lost your senses; we shall never
+discover the picture, unless you subscribe the name.
+
+_Sir H._ Then her name is Lurewell.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath! my mistress!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ My mistress, by Jupiter!                             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ Do you know her, gentlemen?
+
+_Colonel S._ I have seen her, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Canst tell where she lodges? Tell me, dear colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your humble servant, sir.                          [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, hold, colonel; I'll follow you, and will know.
+                                                            [_Runs out._
+
+_Vizard._ The Lady Lurewell his mistress! He loves her: but she loves
+me.----But he's a baronet, and I plain Vizard; he has a coach, and I
+walk on foot; I was bred in London, and he in Paris.----That very
+circumstance has murdered me----Then some stratagem must be laid to
+divert his pretensions.
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, Dick, what makes the colonel so out of humour?
+
+_Vizard._ Because he's out of pay, I suppose.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Slife, that's true! I was beginning to mistrust some rivalship
+in the case.
+
+_Vizard._ And suppose there were, you know the colonel can fight, Sir
+Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Pshaw--but he cannot dance, ha!--We contend for a woman,
+Vizard. 'Slife, man, if ladies were to be gained by sword and pistol
+only, what the devil should all we beaux do?
+
+_Vizard._ I'll try him farther. [_Aside._] But would not you, Sir Harry,
+fight for this woman you so much admire?
+
+_Sir H._ Fight! Let me consider. I love her----that's true;----but then
+I love honest Sir Harry Wildair better. The Lady Lurewell is divinely
+charming----right----but then a thrust i' the guts, or a Middlesex jury,
+is as ugly as the devil.
+
+_Vizard._ Ay, Sir Harry, 'twere a dangerous cast for a beau baronet to
+be tried by a parcel of greasy, grumbling, bartering boobies, who would
+hang you, purely because you're a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, but on t'other hand, I have money enough to bribe the
+rogues with: so, upon mature deliberation, I would fight for her. But no
+more of her. Pr'ythee, Vizard, cannot you recommend a friend to a pretty
+mistress by the bye, till I can find my own? You have store, I'm sure;
+you cunning poaching dogs make surer game, than we that hunt open and
+fair. Pr'ythee now, good Vizard.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me consider a little.--Now love and revenge inspire my
+politics!                                                      [_Aside._
+
+     [_Pauses whilst_ SIR HARRY _walks, singing_.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! thou'rt longer studying for a new mistress, than a
+waiter would be in drawing fifty corks.
+
+_Vizard._ I design you good wine; you'll therefore bear a little
+expectation.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! say'st thou, dear Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ A girl of nineteen, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Now nineteen thousand blessings light on thee.
+
+_Vizard._ Pretty and witty.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, ay, but her name, Vizard!
+
+_Vizard._ Her name! yes--she has the softest, whitest hand that e'er was
+made of flesh and blood; her lips so balmy sweet----
+
+_Sir H._ Well, well, but where shall I find her, man?
+
+_Vizard._ Find her!--but then her foot, Sir Harry! she dances to a
+miracle.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, don't distract me.
+
+_Vizard._ Well then, you must know, that this lady is the greatest
+beauty in town; her name's Angelica: she that passes for her mother is
+a private bawd, and called the Lady Darling: she goes for a baronet's
+lady, (no disparagement to your honour, Sir Harry) I assure you.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, hang my honour! but what street, what house?
+
+_Vizard._ Not so fast, Sir Harry; you must have my passport for your
+admittance, and you'll find my recommendation in a line or two will
+procure you very civil entertainment; I suppose twenty or thirty pieces
+handsomely placed, will gain the point.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou dearest friend to a man in necessity! Here, sirrah, order
+my carriage about to St. James's; I'll walk across the park.
+                                                      [_To his_ SERVANT.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+_Clinch._ Here, sirrah, order my coach about to St. James's, I'll walk
+across the park too--Mr. Vizard, your most devoted--Sir, [_To_ WILDAIR.]
+I admire the mode of your shoulder-knot; methinks it hangs very
+emphatically, and carries an air of travel in it: your sword-knot too
+is most ornamentally modish, and bears a foreign mien. Gentlemen, my
+brother is just arrived in town; so that, being upon the wing to kiss
+his hands, I hope you'll pardon this abrupt departure of, gentlemen,
+your most devoted, and most faithful humble servant.            [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, dost know him?
+
+_Vizard._ Know him! why, it is Clincher, who was apprentice to my uncle
+Smuggler, the merchant in the city.
+
+_Sir H._ What makes him so gay?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, he's in mourning.
+
+_Sir H._ In mourning?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, for his father. The kind old man in Hertfordshire t'other
+day broke his neck a fox-hunting; the son, upon the news, has broke
+his indentures; whipped from behind the counter into the side-box. He
+keeps his coach and liveries, brace of geldings, leash of mistresses,
+talks of nothing but wines, intrigues, plays, fashions, and going to the
+jubilee.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! how many pounds of pulvil must the fellow use in
+sweetening himself from the smell of hops and tobacco? Faugh!--I' my
+conscience methought, like Olivia's lover, he stunk of Thames-Street.
+But now for Angelica, that's her name: we'll to the prince's
+chocolate-house, where you shall write my passport. _Allons._
+                                                              [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL, _and her Maid_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Parly, my pocket-book--let me see--Madrid, Paris, Venice,
+London!--Ay, London! They may talk what they will of the hot countries,
+but I find love most fruitful under this climate----In a month's space
+have I gained--let me see, imprimis, Colonel Standard.
+
+_Parly._ And how will your ladyship manage him?
+
+_Lady L._ As all soldiers should be managed; he shall serve me till I
+gain my ends, then I'll disband him.
+
+_Parly._ But he loves you, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Therefore I scorn him;
+  I hate all that don't love me, and slight all that do;
+  'Would his whole deluding sex admir'd me,
+  Thus would I slight them all.
+  My virgin and unwary innocence
+  Was wrong'd by faithless man;
+  But now, glance eyes, plot brain, dissemble face,
+  Lie tongue, and
+  Plague the treacherous kind.----
+  Let me survey my captives.----
+  The colonel leads the van; next, Mr. Vizard,
+  He courts me out of the "Practice of Piety,"
+  Therefore is a hypocrite;
+  Then Clincher, he adores me with orangerie,
+  And is consequently a fool;
+  Then my old merchant, Alderman Smuggler,
+He's a compound of both;--out of which medley of lovers, if I don't make
+good diversion----What d'ye think, Parly?
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, I'm like to be very virtuous in your service,
+if you teach me all those tricks that you use to your lovers.
+
+_Lady L._ You're a fool, child; observe this, that though a woman swear,
+forswear, lie, dissemble, backbite, be proud, vain, malicious, any
+thing, if she secures the main chance, she's still virtuous; that's a
+maxim.
+
+_Parly._ I can't be persuaded, though, madam, but that you really loved
+Sir Harry Wildair in Paris.
+
+_Lady L._ Of all the lovers I ever had, he was my greatest plague, for I
+could never make him uneasy: I left him involved in a duel upon my
+account: I long to know whether the fop be killed or not.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh lord! no sooner talk of killing, but the soldier is conjured up.
+You're upon hard duty, colonel, to serve your king, your country, and a
+mistress too.
+
+_Colonel S._ The latter, I must confess, is the hardest; for in war,
+madam, we can be relieved in our duty; but in love, he, who would take
+our post, is our enemy; emulation in glory is transporting, but rivals
+here intolerable.
+
+_Lady L._ Those that bear away the prize in arms, should boast the same
+success in love; and, I think, considering the weakness of our sex, we
+should make those our companions who can be our champions.
+
+_Colonel S._ I once, madam, hoped the honour of defending you from all
+injuries, through a title to your lovely person; but now my love must
+attend my fortune. My commission, madam, was my passport to the fair;
+adding a nobleness to my passion, it stamped a value on my love; 'twas
+once the life of honour, but now its winding sheet; and with it must my
+love be buried.
+
+_Parly._ What? disbanded, Colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ Faugh, the nauseous fellow! he stinks of poverty already.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ His misfortune troubles me, because it may prevent my designs.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll chuse, madam, rather to destroy my passion by absence
+abroad, than have it starved at home.
+
+_Lady L._ I'm sorry, sir, you have so mean an opinion of my affection,
+as to imagine it founded upon your fortune. And, to convince you of your
+mistake, here I vow, by all that's sacred, I own the same affection now
+as before. Let it suffice, my fortune is considerable.
+
+_Colonel S._ No, madam, no; I'll never be a charge to her I love!
+The man, that sells himself for gold, is the worst of prostitutes.
+
+_Lady L._ Now, were he any other creature but a man, I could love him.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ This only last request I make, that no title recommend a
+fool, no office introduce a knave, nor red coat a coward, to my place
+in your affections; so farewell my country, and adieu my love.  [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Now the devil take thee for being so honourable: here, Parly,
+call him back, I shall lose half my diversion else. Now for a trial of
+skill.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Sir, I hope you'll pardon my curiosity. When do you take your journey?
+
+_Colonel S._ To-morrow morning, early, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ So suddenly! which way are you designed to travel?
+
+_Colonel S._ That I can't yet resolve on.
+
+_Lady L._ Pray, sir, tell me; pray, sir; I entreat you; why are you so
+obstinate?
+
+_Colonel S._ Why are you so curious, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ Because----
+
+_Colonel S._ What?
+
+_Lady L._ Because, I, I----
+
+_Colonel S._ Because, what, madam?--Pray tell me.
+
+_Lady L._ Because I design to follow you.                     [_Crying._
+
+_Colonel S._ Follow me! By all that's great, I ne'er was proud before.
+Follow me! By Heavens thou shalt not. What! expose thee to the hazards
+of a camp!--Rather I'll stay, and here bear the contempt of fools, and
+worst of fortune.
+
+_Lady L._ You need not, shall not; my estate for both is sufficient.
+
+_Colonel S._ Thy estate! No, I'll turn a knave, and purchase one
+myself; I'll cringe to the proud man I undermine; I'll tip my tongue
+with flattery, and smooth my face with smiles; I'll turn informer,
+office-broker, nay, coward, to be great; and sacrifice it all to thee,
+my generous fair.
+
+_Lady L._ And I'll dissemble, lie, swear, jilt, any thing, but I'll
+reward thy love, and recompense thy noble passion.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! poor Sir Harry, ha! ha! ha! Rather
+kiss her hand than the Pope's toe; ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady L._ What Sir Harry, Colonel? What Sir Harry?
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry Wildair, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ What! is he come over?
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, and he told me--but I don't believe a syllable on't----
+
+_Lady L._ What did he tell you?
+
+_Colonel S._ Only called you his mistress; and pretending to be
+extravagant in your commendation, would vainly insinuate the praise of
+his own judgment and good fortune in a choice.
+
+_Lady L._ How easily is the vanity of fops tickled by our sex!
+
+_Colonel S._ Why, your sex is the vanity of fops.
+
+_Lady L._ On my conscience, I believe so. This gentleman, because he
+danced well, I pitched on for a partner at a ball in Paris, and ever
+since he has so persecuted me with letters, songs, dances, serenading,
+flattery, foppery, and noise, that I was forced to fly the kingdom.
+----And I warrant you he made you jealous?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Faith, madam, I was a little uneasy.
+
+_Lady L._ You shall have a plentiful revenge; I'll send him back all his
+foolish letters, songs, and verses, and you yourself shall carry them:
+'twill afford you opportunity of triumphing, and free me from his
+further impertinence; for of all men he's my aversion. I'll run and
+fetch them instantly.                                           [_Exit._
+
+_Colonel S._ Dear madam, a rare project! Now shall I bait him, like
+Actaeon, with his own dogs.----Well, Mrs. Parly, it is ordered by act of
+parliament, that you receive no more pieces, Mrs. Parly.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis provided by the same act, that you send no more messages
+by me, good Colonel; you must not presume to send any more letters,
+unless you can pay the postage.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, don't be mercenary; take example by your lady,
+be honourable.
+
+_Parly._ A-lack-a-day, sir, it shows as ridiculous and haughty for us to
+imitate our betters in their honour, as in their finery; leave honour to
+nobility that can support it: we poor folks, Colonel, have no pretence
+to't; and truly, I think, sir, that your honour should be cashiered with
+your leading-staff.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis one of the greatest curses of poverty to be the jest
+of chambermaids!
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Here's the packet, Colonel; the whole magazine of love's
+artillery.                                      [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Colonel S._ Which, since I have gained, I will turn upon the enemy.
+Madam, I'll bring you the news of my victory this evening. Poor Sir
+Harry, ha! ha! ha!                                              [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ To the right about as you were; march, Colonel. Ha! ha! ha!
+  Vain man, who boasts of studied parts and wiles!
+  Nature in us, your deepest art beguiles,
+  Stamping deep cunning in our frowns and smiles.
+  You toil for art, your intellects you trace;
+  Woman, without a thought, bears policy in her face.         [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE SECOND.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+CLINCHER JUNIOR'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR, _opening a Letter_; SERVANT _following_.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [Reads.] _Dear Brother--I will see you presently: I have
+sent this lad to wait on you; he can instruct you in the fashions of the
+town. I am your affectionate brother_,                CLINCHER.
+Very well; and what's your name, sir?
+
+_Dicky._ My name is Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Dicky!
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, Dicky, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very well; a pretty name! And what can you do, Mr. Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, sir, I can powder a wig, and pick up a whore.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, lord! Oh, lord! a whore! Why, are there many in this
+town?
+
+_Dicky._ Ha! ha! ha! many! there's a question, indeed!----Harkye, sir;
+do you see that woman there, in the pink cloak and white feathers.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir! what then?
+
+_Dicky._ Why, she shall be at your service in three minutes, as I'm a
+pimp.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! Why, she's a gentlewoman.
+
+_Dicky._ A gentlewoman! Why so they are all in town, sir.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER _senior_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother, you're welcome to London.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I thought, brother, you owed so much to the memory of my
+father, as to wear mourning for his death.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, so I do, fool; I wear this, because I have the
+estate; and you wear that, because you have not the estate. You have
+cause to mourn, indeed, brother. Well, brother, I'm glad to see you;
+fare you well.                                                 [_Going._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Stay, stay, brother.----Where are you going?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How natural 'tis for a country booby to ask impertinent
+questions!--Harkye, sir; is not my father dead?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, ay, to my sorrow.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No matter for that, he's dead; and am not I a young,
+powdered, extravagant English heir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Very right, sir.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why then, sir, you may be sure that I am going to the
+Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Jubilee! What's that?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Jubilee! Why, the Jubilee is----'Faith I don't know what
+it is.
+
+_Dicky._ Why, the Jubilee is the same thing as our Lord Mayor's day in
+the city; there will be pageants, and squibs, and raree-shows, and all
+that, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ And must you go so soon, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, sir; for I must stay a month at Amsterdam, to study
+poetry.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then I suppose, brother, you travel through Muscovy, to
+learn fashions; don't you, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Brother! Pr'ythee, Robin, don't call me brother; sir will
+do every jot as well.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Oh, Jupiter Ammon! why so?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because people will imagine you have a spite at me.--But
+have you seen your cousin Angelica yet, and her mother, the Lady
+Darling?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No; my dancing-master has not been with me yet. How shall
+I salute them, brother?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pshaw! that's easy; 'tis only two scrapes, a kiss, and
+your humble servant. I'll tell you more when I come from the Jubilee.
+Come along.                                                   [_Exeunt._
+
+
+  [Illustration: SIR HARRY WILDAIR.--HERE IS A NEST OF THE PRETTIEST
+  GOLDFINCHES, THAT EVER CHIRPED IN A CAGE. ACT. II. SCENE. II.]
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _with a Letter_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Like light and heat, incorporate we lay;
+ We bless'd the night, and curs'd the coming day.
+
+Well, if this paper kite flies sure, I'm secure of my game----Humph!--the
+prettiest _bourdel_ I have seen; a very stately genteel one----
+
+FOOTMEN _cross the Stage_.
+
+Heyday! equipage too!----'Sdeath, I'm afraid I've mistaken the house!
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+No, this must be the bawd, by her dignity.
+
+_Lady D._ Your business, pray, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Pleasure, madam.
+
+_Lady D._ Then, sir, you have no business here.
+
+_Sir H._ This letter, madam, will inform you farther. Mr. Vizard sent
+it, with his humble service to your ladyship.
+
+_Lady D._ How does my cousin, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, her cousin, too! that's right procuress again.    [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ [Reads.] _Madam----Earnest inclination to serve----Sir
+Harry----Madam----court my cousin----Gentleman----fortune_----
+                       _Your ladyships most humble servant_, VIZARD.
+Sir, your fortune and quality are sufficient to recommend you any where;
+but what goes farther with me is the recommendation of so sober and
+pious a young gentleman as my cousin Vizard.
+
+_Sir H._ A right sanctified bawd o' my word!                   [_Aside._
+
+_Lady D._ Sir Harry, your conversation with Mr. Vizard argues you a
+gentleman, free from the loose and vicious carriage of the town. I shall
+therefore call my daughter.                                     [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now go thy way for an illustrious bawd of Babylon:--she dresses
+up a sin so religiously, that the devil would hardly know it of his
+making.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _with_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, daughter, use him civilly; such matches don't offer
+every day.      [_Exit_ LADY DARL.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, all ye powers of love! an angel!--'Sdeath, what money have
+I got in my pocket? I can't offer her less than twenty guineas----and,
+by Jupiter, she's worth a hundred.
+
+_Ang._ 'Tis he! the very same! and his person as agreeable as his
+character of good humour.----Pray Heaven his silence proceed from
+respect!
+
+_Sir H._ How innocent she looks! How would that modesty adorn virtue,
+when it makes even vice look so charming!----By Heaven, there's such a
+commanding innocence in her looks, that I dare not ask the question!
+
+_Ang._ Now, all the charms of real love and feigned indifference assist
+me to engage his heart; for mine is lost already.
+
+_Sir H._ Madam--I--I----Zouns, I cannot speak to her!--Oh, hypocrisy!
+hypocrisy! what a charming sin art thou!
+
+_Ang._ He is caught; now to secure my conquest--I thought, sir, you had
+business to communicate.
+
+_Sir H._ Business to communicate! How nicely she words it!----Yes,
+madam, I have a little business to communicate. Don't you love
+singing-birds, madam?
+
+_Ang._ That's an odd question for a lover--Yes, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, here's a nest of the prettiest goldfinches
+that ever chirp'd in a cage; twenty young ones, I assure you, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Twenty young ones! What then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why then, madam, there are----twenty young ones----'Slife, I
+think twenty is pretty fair.
+
+_Ang._ He's mad, sure!----Sir Harry, when you have learned more wit and
+manners, you shall be welcome here again.                       [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Wit and manners! 'Egad, now, I conceive there is a great deal
+of wit and manners in twenty guineas--I'm sure 'tis all the wit and
+manners I have about me at present. What shall I do?
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+What the devil's here? Another cousin, I warrant ye!--Harkye, sir, can
+you lend me ten or a dozen guineas instantly? I'll pay you fifteen for
+them in three hours, upon my honour.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ These London sparks are plaguy impudent! This fellow, by
+his assurance, can be no less than a courtier.
+
+_Dicky._ He's rather a courtier by his borrowing.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ 'Faith, sir, I han't above five guineas about me.
+
+_Sir H._ What business have you here then, sir?--For, to my knowledge,
+twenty won't be sufficient.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Sufficient! for what, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ What, sir! Why, for that, sir; what the devil should it be,
+sir? I know your business, notwithstanding all your gravity, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ My business! Why, my cousin lives here.
+
+_Sir H._ I know your cousin does live here, and Vizard's cousin, and
+every body's cousin----Harkye, sir, I shall return immediately; and if
+you offer to touch her till I come back, I shall cut your throat,
+rascal.     [_Exit._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Why, the man's mad, sure!
+
+_Dicky._ Mad, sir! Ay----Why, he's a beau.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A beau! What's that? Are all madmen
+beaux?
+
+_Dicky._ No, sir; but most beaux are madmen.--But now for your cousin.
+Remember your three scrapes, a kiss, and your humble servant. [_Exeunt._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_A Street._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR, COLONEL STANDARD _following_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir Harry! Sir Harry!
+
+_Sir H._ I am in haste, Colonel; besides, if you're in no better humour
+than when I parted with you in the park this morning, your company won't
+be very agreeable.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're a happy man, Sir Harry, who are never out of humour.
+Can nothing move your gall, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing but impossibilities, which are the same as nothing.
+
+_Colonel S._ What impossibilities?
+
+_Sir H._ The resurrection of my father to disinherit me, or an act of
+parliament against wenching. A man of eight thousand pounds _per annum_
+to be vexed! No, no; anger and spleen are companions for younger
+brothers.
+
+_Colonel S._ Suppose one called you a son of a whore behind your back.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then would I call him rascal behind his back; so we're
+even.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you had lost a mistress.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then I would get another.
+
+_Colonel S._ But suppose you were discarded by the woman you love; that
+would surely trouble you.
+
+_Sir H._ You're mistaken, Colonel; my love is neither romantically
+honourable, nor meanly mercenary; 'tis only a pitch of gratitude: while
+she loves me, I love her; when she desists, the obligation's void.
+
+_Colonel S._ But to be mistaken in your opinion, sir; if the Lady
+Lurewell (only suppose it) had discarded you--I say, only suppose
+it----and had sent your discharge by me.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw! that's another impossibility.
+
+_Colonel S._ Are you sure of that?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, 'twere a solecism in nature. Why, we are finger and glove,
+sir. She dances with me, sings with me, plays with me, swears with me,
+lies with me.
+
+_Colonel S._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ I mean in an honourable way; that is, she lies for me. In
+short, we are as like one another as a couple of guineas.
+
+_Colonel S._ Now that I have raised you to the highest pinnacle of
+vanity, will I give you so mortifying a fall, as shall dash your hopes
+to pieces.--I pray your honour to peruse these papers.
+                                                [_Gives him the Packet._
+
+_Sir H._ What is't, the muster-roll of your regiment, colonel?
+
+_Colonel S._ No, no, 'tis a list of your forces in your last love
+campaign; and, for your comfort, all disbanded.
+
+_Sir H._ Pr'ythee, good metaphorical colonel, what d'ye mean?
+
+_Colonel S._ Read, sir, read; these are the Sibyl's leaves, that will
+unfold your destiny.
+
+_Sir H._ So it be not a false deed to cheat me of my estate, what care
+I--[_Opening the Packet._] Humph! my hand!--_To the Lady Lurewell_--_To
+the Lady Lurewell_--_To the Lady Lurewell_--What the devil hast thou
+been tampering with, to conjure up these spirits?
+
+_Colonel S._ A certain familiar of your acquaintance, sir. Read, read.
+
+_Sir H._ [Reading.] _Madam, my passion----so natural----your beauty
+contending----force of charms----mankind----eternal admirer_, WILDAIR.
+--I ne'er was ashamed of my name before.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, Sir Harry Wildair out of humour! ha! ha! ha! Poor Sir
+Harry! More glory in her smile than in the Jubilee at Rome; ha! ha! ha!
+But then her foot, Sir Harry; she dances to a miracle! ha! ha! ha! Fie,
+Sir Harry; a man of your parts write letters not worth keeping!
+
+_Sir H._ Now, why should I be angry that a woman is a woman? Since
+inconstancy and falsehood are grounded in their natures, how can they
+help it?--Here's a copy of verses too: I must turn poet, in the devil's
+name--Stay--'Sdeath, what's here?--This is her hand----Oh, the charming
+characters!--[Reading.]--_My dear Wildair_,--That's I, 'egad!--_This
+huff-bluff Colonel_--that's he--_is the rarest fool in nature_--the
+devil he is!--_and as such have I used him_.--With all my heart,
+'faith!--_I had no better way of letting you know that I lodge in Pall
+Mall_--LUREWELL.----Colonel, I am your most humble servant.
+
+_Colonel S._ Hold, sir, you shan't go yet; I ha'n't delivered half my
+message.
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my faith, but you have, colonel.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, well, own your spleen; out with it; I know you're
+like to burst.
+
+_Sir H._ I am so, 'egad; ha! ha! ha!  [_Laugh and point at one another._
+
+_Colonel S._ Ay, with all my heart; ha! ha! Well, well, that's forced,
+Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ I was never better pleased in all my life, by Jupiter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, 'tis prudence to hide your concern, when
+there's no help for it. But, to be serious, now; the lady has sent you
+back all your papers there----I was so just as not to look upon them.
+
+_Sir H._ I'm glad on't, sir; for there were some things that I would not
+have you see.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this she has done for my sake; and I desire you would
+decline any further pretensions for your own sake. So, honest,
+goodnatured Sir Harry, I'm your humble servant.                 [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! ha! ha! poor colonel! Oh, the delight of an ingenious
+mistress! what a life and briskness it adds to an amour.--A legerdemain
+mistress, who, _presto_! _pass_! and she's vanished; then _hey_! in an
+instant in your arms again.                                    [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Well met, Sir Harry--what news from the island of love?
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, we made but a broken voyage by your chart; but now I am
+bound for another port: I told you the colonel was my rival.
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel--curs'd misfortune! another.             [_Aside._
+
+_Sir H._ But the civilest in the world; he brought me word where my
+mistress lodges. The story's too long to tell you now, for I must fly.
+
+_Vizard._ What, have you given over all thoughts of Angelica?
+
+_Sir H._ No, no; I'll think of her some other time. But now for the Lady
+Lurewell. Wit and beauty calls.
+
+  That mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+  Her little amorous frauds all truths excel,
+  And make us happy, being deceived so well.                    [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ The colonel my rival too!----How shall I manage? There is but
+one way----him and the knight will I set a tilting, where one cuts
+t'other's throat, and the survivor's hanged: so there will be two rivals
+pretty decently disposed of.                                    [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Has my servant brought me the money from my merchant?
+
+_Parly._ No, madam: he met Alderman Smuggler at Charing-Cross, who has
+promised to wait on you himself immediately.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis odd that this old rogue should pretend to love me, and at
+the same time cheat me of my money.
+
+_Parly._ 'Tis well, madam, if he don't cheat you of your estate; for
+you say the writings are in his hands.
+
+_Lady L._ But what satisfaction can I get of him?----Oh! here he comes!
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+Mr. Alderman, your servant; have you brought me any money, sir?
+
+_Smug._ 'Faith, madam, trading is very dead; what with paying the taxes,
+losses at sea abroad, and maintaining our wives at home, the bank is
+reduced very low; money is very scarce.
+
+_Lady L._ Come, come, sir; these evasions won't serve your turn: I must
+have money, sir--I hope you don't design to cheat me?
+
+_Smug._ Cheat you, madam! have a care what you say: I'm an alderman,
+madam----Cheat you, madam! I have been an honest citizen these
+five-and-thirty years.
+
+_Lady L._ An honest citizen! Bear witness, Parly--I shall trap him in
+more lies presently. Come, sir, though I am a woman, I can take a
+remedy.
+
+_Smug._ What remedy, madam? You'll go to law, will ye? I can maintain a
+suit of law, be it right or wrong, these forty years--thanks to the
+honest practice of the courts.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, I'll blast your reputation, and so ruin your credit.
+
+_Smug._ Blast my reputation! he! he! he! Why, I'm a religious man,
+madam; I have been very instrumental in the reformation of manners. Ruin
+my credit! Ah, poor woman! There is but one way, madam----you have a
+sweet leering eye.
+
+_Lady L._ You instrumental in the reformation?--How?
+
+_Smug._ I whipp'd all the pau-pau women out of the parish--Ah, that
+leering eye! Ah, that lip! that lip!
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a religious rogue for you, now!--As I hope to be saved,
+I have a good mind to beat the old monster.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I have brought you about two hundred and fifty guineas (a
+great deal of money, as times go) and----
+
+_Lady L._ Come, give 'em me.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, that hand, that hand! that pretty, soft, white----I have
+brought it; but the condition of the obligation is such, that whereas
+that leering eye, that pouting lip, that pretty soft hand, that--you
+understand me; you understand; I'm sure you do, you little rogue----
+
+_Lady L._ Here's a villain, now, so covetous, that he would bribe me
+with my own money. I'll be revenged. [_Aside._]--Upon my word, Mr.
+Alderman, you make me blush,--what d'ye mean, pray?
+
+_Smug._ See here, madam. [_Pulls his Purse out._]--Buss and guinea! buss
+and guinea! buss and guinea!
+
+_Lady L._ Well, Mr. Alderman, you have such pretty winning ways, that I
+will--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Smug._ Will you, indeed, he! he! he! my little cocket? And when, and
+where, and how?
+
+_Lady L._ 'Twill be a difficult point, sir, to secure both our honours:
+you must therefore be disguised, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! no matter; I am an old fornicator; I'm not half so
+religious as I seem to be. You little rogue, why I'm disguised as I am;
+our sanctity is all outside, all hypocrisy.
+
+_Lady L._ No man is seen to come into this house after dark; you must
+therefore sneak in, when 'tis dark, in woman's clothes.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart----I have a suit on purpose, my little cocket;
+I love to be disguised; 'ecod, I make a very handsome woman, 'ecod, I
+do.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, Mr. Alderman, shall I beg you to walk into the next room?
+Here are some strangers coming up.
+
+_Smug._ Buss and guinea first--Ah, my little cocket!            [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ My life, my soul, my all that Heaven can give!----
+
+_Lady L._ Death's life with thee, without thee death to live. Welcome,
+my dear Sir Harry----I see you got my directions.
+
+_Sir H._ Directions! in the most charming manner, thou dear Machiavel of
+intrigue.
+
+_Lady L._ Still brisk and airy, I find, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ The sight of you, madam, exalts my air, and makes joy lighten
+in my face.
+
+_Lady L._ I have a thousand questions to ask you, Sir Harry. Why did you
+leave France so soon?
+
+_Sir H._ Because, madam, there is no existing where you are not.
+
+_Lady L._ _Oh, monsieur, je vous suis fort obligee_----But, where's the
+court now?
+
+_Sir H._ At Marli, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ And where my Count La Valier?
+
+_Sir H._ His body's in the church of Notre Dame; I don't know where his
+soul is.
+
+_Lady L._ What disease did he die of?
+
+_Sir H._ A duel, madam; I was his doctor.
+
+_Lady L._ How d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ As most doctors do; I kill'd him.
+
+_Lady L._ _En cavalier_, my dear knight-errant--Well, and how, and how:
+what intrigues, what gallantries are carrying on in the _beau monde_?
+
+_Sir H._ I should ask you that question, madam, since your ladyship
+makes the _beau-monde_ wherever you come.
+
+_Lady L._ Ah, Sir Harry, I've been almost ruined, pestered to death
+here, by the incessant attacks of a mighty colonel; he has besieged me.
+
+_Sir H._ I hope your ladyship did not surrender, though.
+
+_Lady L._ No, no; but was forced to capitulate. But since you are come
+to raise the siege, we'll dance, and sing, and laugh----
+
+_Sir H._ And love, and kiss----_Montrez moi votre chambre?_
+
+_Lady L._ _Attends, attends, un peu_----I remember, Sir Harry, you
+promised me, in Paris, never to ask that impertinent question again.
+
+_Sir H._ Pshaw, madam! that was above two months ago: besides, madam,
+treaties made in France are never kept.
+
+_Lady L._ Would you marry me, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ Oh! I do detest marriage.--But I will marry you.
+
+_Lady L._ Your word, sir, is not to be relied on: if a gentleman will
+forfeit his honour in dealings of business, we may reasonably suspect
+his fidelity in an amour.
+
+_Sir H._ My honour in dealings of business! Why, madam, I never had any
+business in all my life.
+
+_Lady L._ Yes, Sir Harry, I have heard a very odd story, and am sorry
+that a gentleman of your figure should undergo the scandal.
+
+_Sir H._ Out with it, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, the merchant, sir, that transmitted your bills of
+exchange to you in France, complains of some indirect and dishonourable
+dealings.
+
+_Sir H._ Who, old Smuggler?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, ay, you know him, I find.
+
+_Sir H._ I have some reason, I think; why, the rogue has cheated me of
+above five hundred pounds within these three years.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis your business then to acquit yourself publicly; for he
+spreads the scandal every where.
+
+_Sir H._ Acquit myself publicly! I'll drive instantly into the city,
+and cane the old villain: he shall run the gauntlet round the Royal
+Exchange.
+
+_Lady L._ Why, he is in the house now, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ What, in this house?
+
+_Lady L._ Ay, in the next room.
+
+_Sir H._ Then, sirrah, lend me your cudgel.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir Harry, you won't raise a disturbance in my house?
+
+_Sir H._ Disturbance, madam! no, no, I'll beat him with the temper of a
+philosopher. Here, Mrs. Parly, show me the gentleman.
+                                                     [_Exit with_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Now shall I get the old monster well beaten, and Sir Harry
+pestered next term with bloodsheds, batteries, costs, and damages,
+solicitors and attorneys; and if they don't tease him out of his good
+humour, I'll never plot again.                                  [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE V.
+
+_Another Room in the same House._
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+
+_Smug._ Oh, this damned tide-waiter! A ship and cargo worth five
+thousand pounds! Why, 'tis richly worth five hundred perjuries.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Dear Mr. Alderman, I'm your most devoted and humble servant.
+
+_Smug._ My best friend, Sir Harry, you're welcome to England.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll assure you, sir, there's not a man in the king's dominions
+I am gladder to meet, dear, dear Mr. Alderman.       [_Bowing very low._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you travellers have the most obliging ways with
+you!
+
+_Sir H._ There is a business, Mr. Alderman, fallen out, which you may
+oblige me infinitely by----I am very sorry that I am forced to be
+troublesome; but necessity, Mr. Alderman----
+
+_Smug._ Ay, sir, as you say, necessity----But, upon my word, sir, I am
+very short of money at present; but----
+
+_Sir H._ That's not the matter, sir; I'm above an obligation that way:
+but the business is, I'm reduced to an indispensable necessity of being
+obliged to you for a beating----Here, take this cudgel.
+
+_Smug._ A beating, Sir Harry! ha! ha! ha! I beat a knight baronet! an
+alderman turn cudgel-player! Ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ Upon my word, sir, you must beat me, or I cudgel you; take your
+choice.
+
+_Smug._ Pshaw! pshaw! you jest.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, 'tis sure as fate----So, Alderman, I hope you'll pardon my
+curiosity.                                               [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Curiosity! Deuce take your curiosity, sir!--What d'ye mean?
+
+_Sir H._ Nothing at all; I'm but in jest, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, I can take any thing in jest! but a man might imagine, by
+the smartness of the stroke, that you were in downright earnest.
+
+_Sir H._ Not in the least, sir; [_Strikes him._] not in the least,
+indeed, sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pray, good sir, no more of your jests; for they are the bluntest
+jests that ever I knew.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Strikes._] I heartily beg your pardon, with all my heart,
+sir.
+
+_Smug._ Pardon, sir! Well, sir, that is satisfaction enough from a
+gentleman. But, seriously, now, if you pass any more of your jests upon
+me, I shall grow angry.
+
+_Sir H._ I humbly beg your permission to break one or two more.
+                                                         [_Strikes him._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, lord, sir, you'll break my bones! Are you mad, sir? Murder,
+felony, manslaughter!                      [SIR HARRY _knocks him down_.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, I beg you ten thousand pardons; but I am absolutely
+compelled to it, upon my honour, sir: nothing can be more averse to my
+inclinations, than to jest with my honest, dear, loving, obliging
+friend, the Alderman.
+
+[_Striking him all this while_: SMUGGLER _tumbles over and over_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, lord! Sir Harry's murdering the poor old man.
+
+_Smug._ Oh, dear madam, I was beaten in jest, till I am murdered in good
+earnest.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh! you barbarous man!--Now the devil take you, Sir Harry, for
+not beating him harder--Well, my dear, you shall come at night, and I'll
+make you amends.                        [_Here_ SIR HARRY _takes Snuff_.
+
+_Smug._ Madam, I will have amends before I leave the place----Sir, how
+durst you use me thus!
+
+_Sir H._ Sir?
+
+_Smug._ Sir, I say that I will have satisfaction.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart.               [_Throws Snuff into his Eyes._
+
+_Smug._ Oh, murder! blindness! fire! Oh, madam, madam, get me some
+water. Water! fire! fire! water!             [_Exit with_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+_Sir H._ How pleasant is resenting an injury without passion! 'Tis the
+beauty of revenge.
+
+No spleen, no trouble, shall my time destroy: Life's but a span, I'll
+ev'ry inch enjoy.                                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE THIRD.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_The Street._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD _and_ VIZARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I bring him word where she lodged? I the civilest rival in
+the world? 'Tis impossible.
+
+_Vizard._ I shall urge it no farther, sir. I only thought, sir, that my
+character in the world might add authority to my words, without so many
+repetitions.
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, dear Vizard. Our belief struggles hard, before
+it can be brought to yield to the disadvantage of what we love. But what
+said Sir Harry?
+
+_Vizard._ He pitied the poor credulous colonel, laughed heartily, flew
+away with all the raptures of a bridegroom, repeating these lines:
+
+  A mistress ne'er can pall her lover's joys,
+  Whose wit can whet, whene'er her beauty cloys.
+
+_Colonel S._ A mistress ne'er can pall! By all my wrongs he whores her,
+and I am made their property.----Vengeance----Vizard, you must carry a
+note for me to Sir Harry.
+
+_Vizard._ What, a challenge? I hope you don't design to fight?
+
+_Colonel S._ What, wear the livery of my king, and pocket an affront?
+'Twere an abuse to his sacred Majesty: a soldier's sword, Vizard, should
+start of itself, to redress its master's wrong.
+
+_Vizard._ However, sir, I think it not proper for me to carry any such
+message between friends.
+
+_Colonel S._ I have ne'er a servant here; what shall I do?
+
+_Vizard._ There's Tom Errand, the porter, that plies at the Blue Posts,
+one who knows Sir Harry and his haunts very well; you may send a note by
+him.
+
+_Colonel S._ Here, you, friend.
+
+_Vizard._ I have now some business, and must take my leave; I would
+advise you, nevertheless, against this affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ No whispering now, nor telling of friends, to prevent us.
+He, that disappoints a man of an honourable revenge, may love him
+foolishly like a wife, but never value him as a friend.
+
+_Vizard._ Nay, the devil take him, that parts you, say I.       [_Exit._
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Did your honour call porter?
+
+_Colonel S._ Is your name Tom Errand?
+
+_Tom._ People call me so, an't like your worship.
+
+_Colonel S._ D'ye know Sir Harry Wildair?
+
+_Tom._ Ay, very well, sir; he's one of my best masters; many a round
+half crown have I had of his worship; he's newly come home from France,
+sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the next coffee-house, and wait for me.----Oh, woman,
+woman, how blessed is man, when favoured by your smiles, and how
+accursed when all those smiles are found but wanton baits to sooth us to
+destruction.                                                  [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _following_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, sir, sir, having some business of importance to
+communicate to you, I would beg your attention to a trifling affair,
+that I would impart to your understanding.
+
+_Sir H._ What is your trifling business of importance, pray, sweet sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Pray, sir, are the roads deep between this and Paris?
+
+_Sir H._ Why that question, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Because I design to go to the jubilee, sir. I understand
+that you are a traveller, sir; there is an air of travel in the tie of
+your cravat, sir: there is indeed, sir----I suppose, sir, you bought
+this lace in Flanders.
+
+_Sir H._ No, sir, this lace was made in Norway.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Norway, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, sir, of the shavings of deal boards.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ That's very strange now, 'faith--Lace made of the
+shavings of deal boards! 'Egad, sir, you travellers see very strange
+things abroad, very incredible things abroad, indeed. Well, I'll have a
+cravat of the very same lace before I come home.
+
+_Sir H._ But, sir, what preparations have you made for your journey?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A case of pocket-pistols for the bravos, and a
+swimming-girdle.
+
+_Sir H._ Why these, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, sir, I'll tell you----Suppose us in Rome now;
+away goes I to some ball--for I'll be a mighty beau. Then, as I said, I
+go to some ball, or some bear-baiting--'tis all one, you know--then
+comes a fine Italian _bona roba_, and plucks me by the sleeve: Signior
+Angle, Signior Angle--She's a very fine lady, observe that--Signior
+Angle, says she--Signiora, says I, and trips after her to the corner of
+a street, suppose it Russel Street, here, or any other street: then, you
+know, I must invite her to the tavern; I can do no less----There up
+comes her bravo; the Italian grows saucy, and I give him an English
+dowse on the face: I can box, sir, box tightly; I was a 'prentice,
+sir----But then, sir, he whips out his stiletto, and I whips out my
+bull-dog--slaps him through, trips down stairs, turns the corner of
+Russel Street again, and whips me into the ambassador's train, and there
+I'm safe as a beau behind the scenes.
+
+_Sir H._ Is your pistol charged, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Only a brace of bullets, that's all, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis a very fine pistol, truly; pray let me see it.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ With all my heart, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Harkye, Mr. Jubilee, can you digest a brace of bullets?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, by no means in the world, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll try the strength of your stomach, however. Sir, you're a
+dead man.                        [_Presenting the Pistol to his Breast._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Consider, dear sir, I am going to the Jubilee: when I
+come home again, I am a dead man at your service.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, very well, sir; but take heed you are not so choleric for
+the future.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Choleric, sir! Oons, I design to shoot seven Italians in
+a week, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, you won't have provocation.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Provocation, sir! Zouns, sir, I'll kill any man for
+treading upon my corns: and there will be a devilish throng of people
+there: they say that all the princes of Italy will be there.
+
+_Sir H._ And all the fops and fiddlers in Europe----But the use of your
+swimming girdle, pray sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh lord, sir, that's easy. Suppose the ship cast away;
+now, whilst, other foolish people are busy at their prayers, I whip on
+my swimming girdle, clap a month's provision in my pocket, and sails me
+away, like an egg in a duck's belly. Well, sir, you must pardon me now,
+I'm going to see my mistress.                                   [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ This fellow's an accomplished ass before he goes abroad. Well,
+this Angelica has got into my heart, and I cannot get her out of my
+head. I must pay her t'other visit.                             [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ ANGELICA, LADY DARLING, CLINCHER JUNIOR, _and_ DICKY.
+
+
+_Lady D._ This is my daughter, cousin.
+
+_Dicky._ Now sir, remember your three scrapes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] One, two, three, your humble
+servant. Was not that right, Dicky?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, 'faith, sir; but why don't you speak to her?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I beg your pardon, Dicky; I know my distance. Would you
+have me to speak to a lady at the first sight?
+
+_Dicky._ Ay sir, by all means; the first aim is the surest.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Now for a good jest, to make her laugh heartily----By
+Jupiter Ammon, I'll give her a kiss.                [_Goes towards her._
+
+_Enter_ WILDAIR, _interposing_.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Tis all to no purpose; I told you so before; your pitiful five
+guineas will never do. You may go; I'll outbid you.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ What the devil! the madman's here again.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin, what d'ye mean? Affront a gentleman of his
+quality in my house?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Quality!--Why, madam, I don't know what you mean by your
+madmen, and your beaux, and your quality----they're all alike, I
+believe.
+
+_Lady D._ Pray, sir, walk with me into the next room.
+
+[_Exit_ LADY DARLING, _leading_ CLINCHER, DICKY _following_.
+
+_Ang._ Sir, if your conversation be no more agreeable than 'twas the
+last time, I would advise you to make your visit as short as you can.
+
+_Sir H._ The offences of my last visit, madam, bore their punishment in
+the commission; and have made me as uneasy till I receive pardon, as
+your ladyship can be till I sue for it.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, I did not well understand the offence, and must
+therefore proportion it to the greatness of your apology; if you would,
+therefore, have me think it light, take no great pains in an excuse.
+
+_Sir H._ How sweet must the lips be that guard that tongue! Then, madam,
+no more of past offences; let us prepare for joys to come. Let this seal
+my pardon.                                           [_Kisses her Hand._
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir: one question, Sir Harry, and pray answer plainly--D'ye
+love me?
+
+_Sir H._ Love you! Does fire ascend? Do hypocrites dissemble? Usurers
+love gold, or great men flattery? Doubt these, then question that I
+love.
+
+_Ang._ This shows your gallantry, sir, but not your love.
+
+_Sir H._ View your own charms, madam, then judge my passion.
+
+_Ang._ If your words be real, 'tis in your power to raise an equal flame
+in me.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, I seize----
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir; 'tis also possible to make me detest and scorn you
+worse than the most profligate of your deceiving sex.
+
+_Sir H._ Ha! a very odd turn this. I hope, madam, you only affect anger,
+because you know your frowns are becoming.
+
+_Ang._ Sir Harry, you being the best judge of your own designs, can best
+understand whether my anger should be real or dissembled; think what
+strict modesty should bear, then judge of my resentment.
+
+_Sir H._ Strict modesty should bear! Why, 'faith, madam, I believe, the
+strictest modesty may bear fifty guineas, and I don't believe 'twill
+bear one farthing more.
+
+_Ang._ What d'ye mean, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, what do you mean? If you go to that. I think now,
+fifty guineas is a fine offer for your strict modesty, as you call it.
+
+_Ang._ I'm afraid you're mad, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, you're enough to make any man mad. 'Sdeath, are you
+not a----
+
+_Ang._ What, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, a lady of--strict modesty, if you will have it so.
+
+_Ang._ I shall never hereafter trust common report, which represented
+you, sir, a man of honour, wit, and breeding; for I find you very
+deficient in them all three.                                    [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Now I find, that the strict pretences, which the ladies of
+pleasure make to strict modesty, is the reason why those of quality are
+ashamed to wear it.
+
+_Enter_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Ah! Sir Harry, have I caught you? Well, and what success?
+
+_Sir H._ Success! 'Tis a shame for you young fellows in town here, to
+let the wenches grow so saucy. I offered her fifty guineas, and she was
+in her airs presently, and flew away in a huff. I could have had a brace
+of countesses in Paris for half the money, and _je vous remercie_ into
+the bargain.
+
+_Vizard._ Gone in her airs, say you! and did not you follow her?
+
+_Sir H._ Whither should I follow her?
+
+_Vizard._ Into her bedchamber, man; she went on purpose. You a man of
+gallantry, and not understand that a lady's best pleased when she puts
+on her airs, as you call it!
+
+_Sir H._ She talked to me of strict modesty, and stuff.
+
+_Vizard._ Certainly. Most women magnify their modesty, for the same
+reason that cowards boast their courage--because they have least on't.
+Come, come, Sir Harry, when you make your next assault, encourage your
+spirits with brisk Burgundy: if you succeed, 'tis well; if not, you have
+a fair excuse for your rudeness. I'll go in, and make your peace for
+what's past. Oh, I had almost forgot----Colonel Standard wants to speak
+with you about some business.
+
+_Sir H._ I'll wait upon him presently; d'ye know where he may be found?
+
+_Vizard._ In the piazza of Covent Garden, about an hour hence, I
+promised to see him: and there you may meet him--to have your throat
+cut. [_Aside._] I'll go in and intercede for you.
+
+_Sir H._ But no foul play with the lady, Vizard.                [_Exit._
+
+_Vizard._ No fair play, I can assure you.                       [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+_The Street before_ LADY LUREWELL'S _Lodgings_.
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _and_ LUREWELL, _coquetting in the Balcony_.--_Enter_
+STANDARD.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ How weak is reason in disputes of love! I've heard her
+falsehood with such pressing proofs, that I no longer should distrust
+it. Yet still my love would baffle demonstration, and make
+impossibilities seem probable. [_Looks up._] Ha! That fool too! What,
+stoop so low as that animal?--'Tis true, women once fallen, like cowards
+in despair, will stick at nothing; there's no medium in their actions.
+They must be bright as angels, or black as fiends. But now for my
+revenge; I'll kick her cully before her face, call her whore, curse the
+whole sex, and leave her.                                    [_Goes in._
+
+
+SCENE IV.
+
+_A Dining Room._
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ CLINCHER SENIOR.
+
+
+_Lady L._ Oh lord, sir, it is my husband! What will become of you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ah, your husband! Oh, I shall be murdered! What shall I
+do? Where shall I run? I'll creep into an oven--I'll climb up the
+chimney--I'll fly--I'll swim;----I wish to the lord I were at the
+Jubilee now.
+
+_Lady L._ Can't you think of any thing, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Think! not I; I never could think to any purpose in my
+life.
+
+_Lady L._ What do you want, sir?
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+_Tom._ Madam, I am looking for Sir Harry Wildair; I saw him come in here
+this morning; and did imagine he might be here still, if he is not gone.
+
+_Lady L._ A lucky hit! Here, friend, change clothes with this gentleman,
+quickly, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Ay, ay, quickly strip; I'll give you half a crown to
+boot. Come here; so.                             [_They change Clothes._
+
+_Lady L._ Now slip you [_To_ CLINCH. SENIOR.] down stairs, and wait at
+the door till my husband be gone; and get you in there [_To_ TOM
+ERRAND.] till I call you.             [_Puts_ ERRAND _in the next Room_.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+Oh, sir, are you come? I wonder, sir, how you have the confidence to
+approach me, after so base a trick.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, madam, all your artifices won't avail.
+
+_Lady L._ Nay, sir, your artifices won't avail. I thought, sir, that I
+gave you caution enough against troubling me with Sir Harry Wildair's
+company, when I sent his letters back by you; yet you, forsooth, must
+tell him where I lodged, and expose me again to his impertinent
+courtship!
+
+_Colonel S._ I expose you to his courtship!
+
+_Lady L._ I'll lay my life you'll deny it now. Come, come, sir: a
+pitiful lie is as scandalous to a red coat, as an oath to a black.
+
+_Colonel S._ You're all lies; first, your heart is false; your eyes are
+double; one look belies another; and then your tongue does contradict
+them all--Madam, I see a little devil just now hammering out a lie in
+your pericranium.
+
+_Lady L._ As I hope for mercy, he's in the right on't.         [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel. S._ Yes, yes, madam, I exposed you to the courtship of your
+fool Clincher, too; I hope your female wiles will impose that upon
+me----also----
+
+_Lady L._ Clincher! Nay, now you're stark mad. I know no such person.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, woman in perfection! not know him! 'Slife, madam, can
+my eyes, my piercing jealous eyes, be so deluded? Nay, madam, my nose
+could not mistake him; for I smelt the fop by his pulvilio, from the
+balcony down to the street.
+
+_Lady L._ The balcony! ha! ha! ha! the balcony! I'll be hanged but he
+has mistaken Sir Harry Wildair's footman, with a new French livery, for
+a beau.
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Sdeath, madam! what is there in me that looks like a
+cully? Did I not see him?
+
+_Lady L._ No, no, you could not see him; you're dreaming, colonel. Will
+you believe your eyes, now that I have rubbed them open?--Here, you
+friend.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Colonel S._ This is illusion all; my eyes conspire against themselves.
+Tis legerdemain.
+
+_Lady L._ Legerdemain! Is that all your acknowledgment for your rude
+behaviour?--Oh, what a curse is it to love as I do!--Begone sir, [_To_
+TOM ERRAND.] to your impertinent master, and tell him I shall never be
+at leisure to receive any of his troublesome visits.--Send to me to know
+when I should be at home!--Begone, sir. [_Exit_ TOM ERRAND.] I am sure
+he has made me an unfortunate woman.                           [_Weeps._
+
+_Colonel S._ Nay, then there is no certainty in nature; and truth is
+only falsehood well disguised.
+
+_Lady L._ Sir, had not I owned my fond, foolish passion, I should not
+have been subject to such unjust suspicions: but it is an ungrateful
+return.                                                      [_Weeping._
+
+_Colonel S._ Now, where are all my firm resolves? I hope, madam, you'll
+pardon me, since jealousy, that magnified my suspicion, is as much the
+effect of love, as my easiness in being satisfied.
+
+_Lady L._ Easiness in being satisfied! No, no, sir; cherish your
+suspicions, and feed upon your jealousy: 'tis fit meat for your
+squeamish stomach.
+
+With me all women should this rule pursue: Who think us false, should
+never find us true.                                   [_Exit in a Rage._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_ TOM ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Well, intriguing is the prettiest, pleasantest thing for
+a man of my parts.--How shall we laugh at the husband, when he is
+gone?--How sillily he looks! He's in labour of horns already.--To make a
+colonel a cuckold! 'Twill be rare news for the alderman.
+
+_Colonel S._ All this Sir Harry has occasioned; but he's brave, and will
+afford me a just revenge.--Oh, this is the porter I sent the challenge
+by----Well sir, have you found him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ What the devil does he mean now?
+
+_Colonel S._ Have you given Sir Harry the note, fellow?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ The note! what note?
+
+_Colonel S._ The letter, blockhead, which I sent by you to Sir Harry
+Wildair; have you seen him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, lord, what shall I say now? Seen him? Yes, sir--no,
+sir.--I have, sir--I have not, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ The fellow's mad. Answer me directly, sirrah, or I'll break
+your head.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I know Sir Harry very well, sir; but as to the note,
+sir, I can't remember a word on't: truth is, I have a very bad memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ Oh, sir, I'll quicken your memory.          [_Strikes him._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Zouns, sir, hold!--I did give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ And what answer?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I mean, I did not give him the note.
+
+_Colonel S._ What, d'ye banter, rascal?            [_Strikes him again._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Hold, sir, hold! He did send an answer.
+
+_Colonel S._ What was't, villain?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, truly sir, I have forgot it: I told you that I had a
+very treacherous memory.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll engage you shall remember me this month, rascal.
+                                                 [_Beats him, and exit._
+
+_Enter_ LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+_Lady L._ Oh, my poor gentleman! and was it beaten?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Yes, I have been beaten. But where's my clothes? my
+clothes?
+
+_Lady L._ What, you won't leave me so soon, my dear, will ye?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Will ye!--If ever I peep into the colonel's tent again,
+may I be forced to run the gauntlet. But my clothes, madam.
+
+_Lady L._ I sent the porter down stairs with them: did not you meet him?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Meet him? No, not I.
+
+_Parly._ No! He went out at the back door, and is run clear away, I'm
+afraid.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Gone, say you, and with my clothes, my fine Jubilee
+clothes?--Oh, the rogue, the thief!--I'll have him hang'd for
+murder--But how shall I get home in this pickle?
+
+_Parly._ I'm afraid, sir, the colonel will be back presently, for he
+dines at home.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, then I must sneak off. Was ever such an unfortunate
+beau, To have his coat well thrash'd, and lose his coat also!   [_Exit._
+
+_Parly._ Methinks, madam, the injuries you have suffered by men must be
+very great, to raise such heavy resentments against the whole sex;--and,
+I think, madam, your anger should be only confined to the author of your
+wrongs.
+
+_Lady L._ The author! alas, I know him not.
+
+_Parly._ Not know him? Tis odd, madam, that a man should rob you of that
+same jewel, and you not know him.
+
+_Lady L._ Leave trifling: 'tis a subject that always sours my temper:
+but since, by thy faithful service, I have some reason to confide in
+your secresy, hear the strange relation.--Some twelve years ago, I lived
+at my father's house in Oxfordshire, blest with innocence, the
+ornamental, but weak guard of blooming beauty. Then it happened that
+three young gentlemen from the university coming into the country, and
+being benighted, and strangers, called at my father's: he was very glad
+of their company, and offered them the entertainment of his house.
+
+_Parly._ Which they accepted, no doubt. Oh, these strolling collegians
+are never abroad, but upon some mischief.
+
+_Lady L._ Two of them had a heavy, pedantic air: but the third----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, the third, madam--the third of all things, they say, is
+very critical.
+
+_Lady L._ He was--but in short, nature formed him for my undoing. His
+very looks were witty, and his expressive eyes spoke softer, prettier
+things, than words could frame.
+
+_Parly._ There will be mischief by and by; I never heard a woman talk
+so much of eyes, but there were tears presently after.
+
+_Lady L._ My father was so well pleased with his conversation, that he
+begged their company next day; they consented, and next night, Parly----
+
+_Parly._ Ah, next night, madam----next night (I'm afraid) was a night
+indeed.
+
+_Lady L._ He bribed my maid, with his gold, out of her modesty; and me,
+with his rhetoric, out of my honour. [_Weeps._] He swore that he would
+come down from Oxford in a fortnight, and marry me.
+
+_Parly._ The old bait, the old bait--I was cheated just so myself.
+[_Aside._] But had not you the wit to know his name all this while?
+
+_Lady L._ He told me that he was under an obligation to his companions,
+of concealing himself then, but, that he would write to me in two days,
+and let me know his name and quality. After all the binding oaths of
+constancy, I gave him a ring with this motto--"_Love and Honour_"--then
+we parted, and I never saw the dear deceiver more.
+
+_Parly._ No, nor never will, I warrant you.
+
+_Lady L._ I need not tell my griefs, which my father's death made a fair
+pretence for; he left me sole heiress and executrix to three thousand
+pounds a year: at last, my love for this single dissembler turned to a
+hatred of the whole sex; and, resolving to divert my melancholy, I
+went to travel. Here I will play my last scene; then retire to my
+country-house, and live solitary. We shall have that old impotent
+lecher, Smuggler, here to-night; I have a plot to swinge him, and his
+precise nephew, Vizard.
+
+_Parly._ I think, madam, you manage every body that comes in your way.
+
+_Lady L._ No, Parly; those men, whose pretensions I found just and
+honourable, I fairly dismissed, by letting them know my firm resolutions
+never to marry, But those villains, that would attempt my honour, I've
+seldom failed to manage.
+
+_Parly._ What d'ye think of the colonel, madam? I suppose his designs
+are honourable.
+
+_Lady L._ That man's a riddle; there's something of honour in his temper
+that pleases; I'm sure he loves me too, because he's soon jealous, and
+soon satisfied.--But hang him, I have teased him enough--Besides, Parly,
+I begin to be tired of my revenge: but this buss and guinea I must maul
+once more. I'll hansel his woman's clothes for him. Go, get me pen and
+ink; I must write to Vizard too.
+
+Fortune, this once assist me as before: Two such machines can never work
+in vain, As thy propitious wheel, and my projecting brain.    [_Exeunt._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FOURTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+_Covent Garden._
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD, _meeting_.
+
+
+_Colonel S._ I thought, Sir Harry, to have met you ere this in a more
+convenient place; but since my wrongs were without ceremony, my revenge
+shall be so too.--Draw, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Draw, sir! What shall I draw?
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, come, sir, I like your facetious humour well enough;
+it shows courage and unconcern. I know you brave, and therefore use you
+thus. Draw your sword.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, to oblige you, I will draw; but the devil take me if I
+fight.--Perhaps, colonel, this is the prettiest blade you have seen.
+
+_Colonel S._ I doubt not but the arm is good; and therefore think both
+worth my resentment. Come, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ But, pr'ythee, colonel, dost think that I am such a madman, as
+to send my soul to the devil and body to the worms--upon every fool's
+errand?                                                        [_Aside._
+
+_Colonel S._ I hope you're no coward, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Coward, sir! I have eight thousand pounds a year, sir.
+
+_Colonel S._ You fought in the army, to my knowledge.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, for the same reason that I wore a red coat; because 'twas
+fashionable.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, you fought a French count in Paris.
+
+_Sir H._ True, sir, he was a beau, like myself. Now you're a soldier,
+colonel, and fighting's your trade; and I think it downright madness to
+contend with any man in his profession.
+
+_Colonel S._ Come, sir, no more dallying; I shall take very unseemly
+methods, if you don't show yourself a gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ A gentleman! Why, there again, now. A gentleman! I tell you
+once more, colonel, that I am a baronet, and have eight thousand pounds
+a year. I can dance, sing, ride, fence, understand the languages--Now I
+can't conceive how running you through the body should contribute one
+jot more to my gentility. But pray, colonel, I had forgot to ask you,
+what's the quarrel?
+
+_Colonel S._ A woman, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then I put up my sword. Take her.
+
+_Colonel S._ Sir, my honour's concerned.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, if your honour be concerned with a woman, get it out of
+her hands as soon as you can.--An honourable lover is the greatest slave
+in nature: some will say, the greatest fool. Come, come, colonel, this
+is something about the Lady Lurewell, I warrant; I can give you
+satisfaction in that affair.
+
+_Colonel S._ Do so then immediately.
+
+_Sir H._ Put up your sword first; you know I dare fight, but I had much
+rather make you a friend than an enemy. I can assure you this lady will
+prove too hard for one of your temper. You have too much honour, too
+much in conscience, to be a favourite with the ladies.
+
+_Colonel S._ I'm assured, sir, she never gave you any encouragement.
+
+_Sir H._ A man can never hear reason with his sword in his hand. Sheath
+your weapon; and then, if I don't satisfy you, sheath it in my body.
+
+_Colonel S._ Give me but demonstration of her granting you any favour,
+and it is enough.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you take my word?
+
+_Colonel S._ Pardon me, sir, I cannot.
+
+_Sir H._ Will you believe your own eyes?
+
+_Colonel S._ 'Tis ten to one whether I shall or no; they have deceived
+me already.
+
+_Sir H._ That's hard--but some means I shall devise for your
+satisfaction--[_Noise._]--We must fly this place, else that cluster of
+mob will overwhelm us.                                        [_Exeunt._
+
+_Enter_ MOB, TOM ERRAND'S _Wife hurrying in_ CLINCHER SENIOR _in_
+ERRAND'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Wife._ Oh! the villain, the rogue, he has murdered my husband. Ah, my
+poor Timothy!                                                 [_Crying._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Dem your Timothy!--your husband has murdered me, woman;
+for he has carried away my fine Jubilee clothes.
+
+_Mob._ Away with him----away with him to the Thames.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, if I had but my swimming girdle now!
+
+_Enter_ CONSTABLE.
+
+_Const._ Hold, neighbours, I command the peace.
+
+_Wife._ Oh, Mr. Constable, here's a rogue that has murdered my husband,
+and robbed him of his clothes.
+
+_Const._ Murder and robbery!--Then he must be a gentleman.----Hands off
+there; he must not be abused.----Give an account of yourself. Are you a
+gentleman?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ No, sir, I'm a beau.
+
+_Const._ A beau--Then you have killed nobody, I'm persuaded. How came
+you by these clothes, sir?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ You must know, sir, that walking along, sir, I don't know
+how, sir, I can't tell where, sir,--and so the porter and I changed
+clothes, sir.
+
+_Const._ Very well. The man speaks reason, and like a gentleman.
+
+_Wife._ But pray, Mr. Constable, ask him how he changed clothes with
+him.
+
+_Const._ Silence, woman, and don't disturb the court. Well, sir, how did
+you change clothes?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why, sir, he pulled off my coat, and I drew off his: so I
+put on his coat, and he put on mine.
+
+_Const._ Why, neighbour, I don't find that he's guilty: search him--and
+if he carries no arms about him, we'll let him go.
+                   [_They search his Pockets, and pull out his Pistols._
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Oh, gemini! My Jubilee pistols!
+
+_Const._ What, a case of pistols! Then the case is plain. Speak, what
+are you, sir? Whence came you, and whither go you?
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, I came from Russel Street, and am going to the
+Jubilee.
+
+_Wife._ You shall go the gallows, you rogue.
+
+_Const._ Away with him, away with him to Newgate, straight.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ I shall go to the Jubilee now, indeed.
+
+_Enter_ SIR. H. WILDAIR _and_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Sir H._ In short, colonel, 'tis all nonsense--fight for a woman! Hard
+by is the lady's house, if you please, we'll wait on her together: you
+shall draw your sword--I'll draw my snuff-box: you shall produce your
+wounds received in war--I'll relate mine by Cupid's dart: you shall
+swear--I'll sigh: you shall sa, sa, and I'll coupee; and if she flies
+not to my arms, like a hawk to its perch, my dancing-master deserves to
+be damned.
+
+_Colonel S._ With the generality of women, I grant you, these arts may
+prevail.
+
+_Sir H._ Generality of women! Why there again, you're out. They're all
+alike, sir: I never heard of any one that was particular, but one.
+
+_Colonel S._ Who was she, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Penelope, I think she's called, and that's a poetical story
+too. When will you find a poet in our age make a woman so chaste?
+
+_Colonel S._ Well, Sir Harry, your facetious humour can disguise
+falsehood, and make calumny pass for satire; but you have promised me
+ocular demonstration that she favours you: make that good, and I shall
+then maintain faith and female to be as inconsistent as truth and
+falsehood.
+
+_Sir H._ But will you be convinced, if our plot succeeds.
+
+_Colonel S._ I rely on your word and honour, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Then meet me half an hour hence at the Shakspeare; you must
+oblige me by taking a hearty glass with me toward the fitting me out for
+a certain project, which this night I undertake.
+
+_Colonel S._ I guess, by the preparation, that woman's the design.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, 'faith.--I am taken dangerously ill with two foolish
+maladies, modesty and love: the first I'll cure with Burgundy, and my
+love by a night's lodging with the damsel. A sure remedy. _Probatum
+est._
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll certainly meet you, sir.          [_Exeunt severally._
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR _and_ DICKY.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ah, Dick, this London is a sad place, a sad vicious
+place: I wish that I were in the country again. And this brother of
+mine--I'm sorry he's so great a rake: I had rather see him dead than see
+him thus.
+
+_Dicky._ Ay, sir, he'll spend his whole estate at this same Jubilee. Who
+d'ye think lives at this same Jubilee?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who, pray?
+
+_Dicky._ The Pope.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The devil he does! My brother go to the place where the
+Pope dwells! He's bewitched, sure!
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND, _in_ CLINCHER SENIOR'S _Clothes_.
+
+_Dicky._ Indeed, I believe he is, for he's strangely altered.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Altered! Why, he looks like a Jesuit already.
+
+_Tom._ This lace will sell. What a blockhead was the fellow to trust me
+with his coat! If I can get cross the garden, down to the water-side, I
+am pretty secure.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Brother?--Alaw! Oh, gemini! Are you my brother?
+
+_Dicky._ I seize you in the kings name, sir.
+
+_Tom._ Oh, lord! should this prove some parliament man now!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Speak, you rogue, what are you?
+
+_Tom._ A poor porter, and going of an errand.
+
+_Dicky._ What errand? Speak, you rogue.
+
+_Tom._ A fool's errand, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Who sent you?
+
+_Tom._ A beau, sir.
+
+_Dicky._ No, no; the rogue has murdered your brother, and stripped him
+of his clothes.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Murdered my brother! Oh, crimini! Oh, my poor Jubilee
+brother! Stay, by Jupiter Ammon, I'm heir though. Speak, sir, have you
+killed him? Confess that you have killed him, and I'll give you half a
+crown.
+
+_Tom._ Who I, sir? Alack-a-day, sir, I never killed any man, but a
+carrier's horse once.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Then you shall certainly be hanged; but confess that you
+killed him, and we'll let you go.
+
+_Tom._ Telling the truth hangs a man, but confessing a lie can do no
+harm: besides, if the worst come to the worst, I can but deny it
+again.--Well, sir, since I must tell you, I did kill him.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Here's your money, sir.--But are you sure you killed him
+dead?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I'll swear it before any judge in England.
+
+_Dicky._ But are you sure that he's dead in law?
+
+_Tom._ Dead in law! I can't tell whether he be dead in law. But he's as
+dead as a door nail; for I gave him seven knocks on the head with a
+hammer.
+
+_Dicky._ Then you have the estate by statute. Any man that's knocked on
+the head is dead in law.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ But are you sure he was compos mentis when he was killed?
+
+_Tom._ I suppose he was, sir; for he told me nothing to the contrary
+afterwards.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Hey! Then I go to the Jubilee.--Strip, sir, strip. By
+Jupiter Ammon, strip.
+
+_Dicky._ Ah! don't swear, sir.         [_Puts on his Brother's Clothes._
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Swear, sir! Zoons, ha'n't I got the estate, sir? Come,
+sir, now I'm in mourning for my brother.
+
+_Tom._ I hope you'll let me go now, sir.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Yes, yes, sir; but you must do the favour to swear
+positively before a magistrate, that you killed him dead, that I may
+enter upon the estate without any trouble. By Jupiter Ammon, all my
+religion's gone, since I put on these fine clothes.--Hey, call me a
+coach somebody.
+
+_Tom._ Ay, master, let me go, and I'll call one immediately.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ No, no; Dicky, carry this spark before a justice, and
+when he has made oath, you may discharge him. And I'll go see Angelica.
+[_Exeunt_ DICKY _and_ TOM.] Now that I'm an elder brother, I'll court,
+and swear, and rant and rake, and go to the Jubilee with the best of
+them.                                                           [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+LADY LUREWELL'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL _and_ PARLY.
+
+
+_Lure._ Are you sure that Vizard had my letter?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, yes, madam; one of your ladyship's footmen gave it to him
+in the Park, and he told the bearer, with all transports of joy, that he
+would be punctual to a minute.
+
+_Lady L._ Thus most villains some time or other are punctual to their
+ruin; Are all things prepared for his reception?
+
+_Parly._ Exactly to your ladyship's order: the alderman too is just
+come, dressed and cooked up for iniquity.
+
+_Lady L._ Then he has got woman's clothes on?
+
+_Parly._ Yes, madam, and has passed upon the family for your nurse.
+
+_Lady L._ Convey him into that closet, and put out the candles, and tell
+him, I'll wait on him presently. When he is tired of his situation, let
+the servants pretend they take him for a common rogue, come with the
+intent to rob the house, and pump him heartily.
+
+[_As_ PARLY _goes to put out the Candles, somebody knocks.--Music plays
+without._
+
+_Lady L._ This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+_Parly._ Sir, my lady is not to be spoken with.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Without._] I must have that from her own mouth, Mrs. Parly.
+Play, gentlemen.                                   [_Music plays again._
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY.
+
+_Lady L._ 'Tis too early for serenading, Sir Harry.
+
+_Sir H._ Wheresoever love is, there music is proper.
+
+_Lady L._ But, Sir Harry, what tempest drives you here at this hour?
+
+_Sir H._ No tempest, madam, but love madam.
+                                      [WILDAIR _taking her by the Hand_.
+
+_Lady L._ As pure and white as angels' soft desires.
+
+_Sir H._ Fierce, as when ripe consenting beauty fires.
+
+_Lady L._ [_Aside._] If this be a love token, [WILDAIR _drops a ring,
+she takes it up_.] your mistress's favours hang very loose about you,
+sir.
+
+_Sir H._ I can't, justly, madam, pay your trouble of taking it up, by
+any thing but desiring you to wear it.
+
+_Lady L._ You gentlemen have the cunningest ways of playing the fool,
+and are so industrious in your profuseness. Speak seriously, am I
+beholden to chance or design for this ring?
+
+_Sir H._ To design, upon my honour. And I hope my design will succeed.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Lady L._ Shall I be free with you, Sir Harry?
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam, so I may be free with you.
+
+_Lady L._ Then plainly, sir, I shall beg the favour to see you some
+other time; for at this very minute I have two lovers in the house.
+
+_Sir H._ Then to be as plain, I must begone this minute, for I must see
+another mistress within these two hours.
+
+_Lady L._ Frank and free.
+
+_Sir H._ As you with me--Madam, your most humble servant.       [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Nothing can disturb his humour. Now for my merchant and
+Vizard.                         [_Exit, and takes the Candles with her._
+
+_Enter_ PARLY, _leading in_ SMUGGLER, _dressed in Woman's Clothes._
+
+_Parly._ This way, Mr. Alderman.
+
+_Smug._ Well, Mrs. Parly,--I'm obliged to you for this trouble: here are
+a couple of shillings for you. Times are hard, very hard indeed; but
+next time I'll steal a pair of silk stockings from my wife, and bring
+them to you--What are you fumbling about my pockets for?
+
+_Parly._ Only setting the plaits of your gown: here, sir, get into this
+closet, and my lady will wait on you presently.
+
+     [_Puts him into the Closet, runs out, and returns with_ VIZARD.
+
+_Vizard._ Where wouldst thou lead me, my dear auspicious little pilot?
+
+_Parly._ You're almost in port, sir; my lady's in the closet, and will
+come out to you immediately.
+
+_Vizard._ Let me thank thee as I ought.                   [_Kisses her._
+
+_Parly._ Pshaw, who has hired me best? a couple of shillings, or a
+couple of kisses?                                         [_Exit_ PARLY.
+
+_Vizard._ Propitious darkness guides the lover's steps; and night, that
+shadows outward sense, lights up our inward joy.
+
+_Smug._ My nephew's voice, and certainly possessed with an evil spirit.
+
+_Vizard._ Ha! I hear a voice. Madam----my life, my happiness, where are
+you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Madam! He takes me for a woman too: I'll try him. Where have you
+left your sanctity, Mr. Vizard?
+
+_Vizard._ Talk no more of that ungrateful subject--I left it where it
+has only business, with day-light; 'tis needless to wear a mask in the
+dark.
+
+_Smug._ Well, sir, but I suppose your dissimulation has some other
+motive besides pleasure?
+
+_Vizard._ Yes, madam, the honestest motive in the world--interest----You
+must know, madam, that I have an old uncle, Alderman Smuggler; you have
+seen him, I suppose.
+
+_Smug._ Yes, yes, I have some small acquaintance with him.
+
+_Vizard._ 'Tis the most knavish, precise, covetous old rogue, that ever
+died of the gout.
+
+_Smug._ Ah, the young son of a whore! [_Aside._] Well, sir, and what of
+him?
+
+_Vizard._ Why, madam, he has a swingeing estate, which I design to
+purchase as a saint, and spend like a gentleman. He got it by cheating,
+and should lose it by deceit. By the pretence of my zeal and sobriety,
+I'll cozen the old miser, one of these days, out of a settlement and
+deed of conveyance----
+
+_Smug._ It shall be a deed to convey you to the gallows then, ye young
+dog.                                                           [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ And no sooner he's dead, but I'll rattle over his grave with a
+coach and six, to inform his covetous ghost how genteelly I spend his
+money.
+
+_Smug._ I'll prevent you, boy; for I'll have my money buried with me.
+                                                               [_Aside._
+
+_Vizard._ Bless me, madam! here's a light coming this way. I must fly
+immediately.----When shall I see you, madam?
+
+_Smug._ Sooner than you expect, my dear.
+
+_Vizard._ Pardon me, dear madam, I would not be seen for the world. I
+would sooner forfeit my life, my pleasure, than my reputation.  [_Exit._
+
+_Smug._ Egad, and so would I too.                               [_Exit._
+
+
+
+
+ACT THE FIFTH.
+
+
+SCENE I.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+
+_Lady D._ Daughter, since you have to deal with a man of so peculiar a
+temper, you must not think the general arts of love can secure him; you
+may therefore allow such a courtier some encouragement extraordinary,
+without reproach to your modesty.
+
+_Ang._ I am sensible, madam, that a formal nicety makes our modesty sit
+awkward, and appears rather a chain to enslave, than a bracelet to adorn
+us; it should show, when unmolested, easy and innocent as a dove, but
+strong and vigorous as a falcon, when assaulted.
+
+_Lady D._ I'm afraid, daughter, you mistake Sir Harry's gaiety for
+dishonour.
+
+_Ang._ Though modesty, madam, may wink, it must not sleep, when powerful
+enemies are abroad. I must confess, that, of all men's, I would not see
+Sir Harry Wildair's faults.
+
+_Lady D._ You must certainly be mistaken, Angelica; for I'm satisfied
+Sir Harry's designs are only to court and marry you.
+
+_Ang._ His pretence, perhaps, was such. Pray, madam, by what means were
+you made acquainted with his designs?
+
+_Lady D._ Means, child! Why, my cousin Vizard, who, I'm sure, is your
+sincere friend, sent him. He brought me this letter from my cousin.
+                               [_Gives her the Letter, which she opens._
+
+_Ang._ Ha! Vizard!--then I'm abused in earnest--Would Sir Harry, by his
+instigation, fix a base affront upon me? No, I can't suspect him of so
+ungenteel a crime--This letter shall trace the truth. [_Aside._]--My
+suspicions, madam, are much cleared; and I hope to satisfy your ladyship
+in my management, when I next see Sir Harry.
+
+_Enter_ SERVANT.
+
+_Serv._ Madam, here's a gentleman below, calls himself Wildair.
+
+_Lady D._ Conduct him up. [_Exit_ SERVANT.] Daughter, I won't doubt your
+discretion.                                        [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Enter_ SIR HARRY WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Oh, the delights of love and Burgundy!--Madam, I have toasted
+your ladyship fifteen bumpers successively, and swallowed Cupids like
+loches to every glass.
+
+_Ang._ And what then, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, then, madam, the wine has got into my head, and the Cupids
+into my heart; and unless, by quenching quick my flame, you kindly ease
+the smart, I'm a lost man, madam.
+
+_Ang._ Drunkenness, Sir Harry, is the worst pretence a gentleman can
+make for rudeness; for the excuse is as scandalous as the fault.
+Therefore, pray consider who you are so free with, sir; a woman of
+condition, that can call half a dozen footmen upon occasion.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, madam, if you have a mind to toss me in a blanket, half a
+dozen chambermaids would do better service. Come, come, madam; though
+the wine makes me lisp, yet it has taught me to speak plainer. By all
+the dust of my ancient progenitors, I must this night rest in your arms.
+
+_Ang._ Nay, then----who waits there?
+
+_Enter_ FOOTMEN.
+
+Take hold of that madman, and bind him.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, Burgundy's the word; slaughter will ensue. Hold--Do
+you know, scoundrels, that I have been drinking victorious Burgundy?
+                                                               [_Draws._
+
+_Servants._ We know you're drunk, sir.
+
+_Sir H._ Then how have you the impudence, rascals, to assault a
+gentleman with a couple of flasks of courage in his head?
+
+_Servants._ We must do as our young mistress commands us.
+
+_Sir H._ Nay, then, have among ye, dogs! [_Throws Money among them; they
+scramble and take it up: he pelting them out, shuts the Door, and
+returns._] Rascals, poltroons!--I have charmed the dragon, and now the
+fruit's my own. I have put the whole army to flight; and now I'll take
+the general prisoner.                             [_Laying hold on her._
+
+_Ang._ I conjure you, sir, by the sacred name of Honour, by your dead
+father's name, and the fair reputation of your mother's chastity, that
+you offer not the least offence. Already you have wronged me past
+redress.
+
+_Sir H._ Thou art the most unaccountable creature----
+
+_Ang._ What madness, Sir Harry, what wild dream of loose desire, could
+prompt you to attempt this baseness?--View me well----the brightness of
+my mind, methinks, should lighten outwards, and let you see your mistake
+in my behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Mimicking._] Tal tidum, tidum, tal ti didi didum. A million
+to one, now, but this girl is just come flush from reading the Rival
+Queens----'Egad, I'll at her in her own cant--Oh, my Statira! Oh, my
+angry dear! turn thy eyes on me--behold thy beau in buskins.
+
+_Ang._ Behold me, sir; view me with a sober thought, free from those
+fumes of wine that throw a mist before your sight, and you shall find
+that every glance from my reproaching eyes is armed with sharp
+resentment, and with a virtuous pride that looks dishonour dead.
+
+_Sir H._ This is the first whore in heroics that I have met with.
+[_Aside._] Lookye, madam, as to that slender particular of your virtue,
+we sha'n't quarrel about it; you may be as virtuous as any woman in
+England, if you please. But, pray, madam, be pleased to consider, what
+is this same virtue that you make such a mighty noise about--Can your
+virtue keep you a coach and six? No, no; your virtuous women walk on
+foot.--Can your virtue stake for you at picquet? No. Then what business
+has a woman with virtue? Come, come, madam, I offered you fifty guineas;
+there's a hundred----The devil!--virtuous still!--Why, it is a hundred,
+five score, a hundred guineas.
+
+_Ang._ Oh, indignation! Were I a man, you durst not use me thus. But the
+mean, poor abuse you throw on me, reflects upon yourself: our sex still
+strikes an awe upon the brave, and only cowards dare affront a woman.
+
+_Sir H._ Affront! 'Sdeath, madam, a hundred guineas will set you up a
+bank at basset; a hundred guineas will furnish out your closet with
+china; a hundred guineas will give you an air of quality; a hundred
+guineas will buy you a rich cabinet for your billet-doux, or a fine
+Common Prayer Book for your virtue; a hundred guineas will buy a hundred
+fine things, and fine things are for fine ladies, and fine ladies are
+for fine gentlemen, and fine gentlemen are----'Egad, this Burgundy makes
+a man speak like an angel----Come, come, madam, take it, and put it to
+what use you please.
+
+_Ang._ I'll use it as I would the base unworthy giver, thus----
+                           [_Throws down the Purse, and stamps upon it._
+
+_Sir H._ I have no mind to meddle in state affairs; but these women
+will make me a parliament-man in spite of my teeth, on purpose to
+bring in a bill against their extortion. She tramples under foot that
+deity which all the world adores--Oh, the blooming pride of beautiful
+eighteen!--Pshaw!--I'll talk to her no longer; I'll make my market
+with the old gentlewoman; she knows business better----[_Goes to
+the Door._]--Here, you, friend: pray, desire the old lady to walk
+in----Harkye, 'egad, madam, I'll tell your mother.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ Well, Sir Harry, and how d'ye like my daughter, pray?
+
+_Sir H._ Like her, madam!--Harkye, will you take it?--Why, 'faith,
+madam--Take the money, I say, or, 'egad, all's out.
+
+_Ang._ All shall out--Sir, you are a scandal to the name of gentleman.
+
+_Sir H._ With all my heart, madam--In short, madam, your daughter has
+used me somewhat too familiarly, though I have treated her like a woman
+of quality.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Why, madam, I have offered her a hundred guineas.
+
+_Lady D._ A hundred guineas! Upon what score?
+
+_Sir H._ Upon what score! Lord, lord, how these old women love to hear
+bawdy!--Why, 'faith, madam, I have never a _double entendre_ ready at
+present; but I suppose you know upon what score.
+
+_Ang._ Hold, sir, stop your abusive tongue, too loose for modest ears to
+hear----Madam, I did before suspect, that his designs were base, now
+they're too plain; this knight, this mighty man of wit and humour, is
+made a tool to a knave--Vizard has sent him on a bully's errand, to
+affront a woman; but I scorn the abuse, and him that offered it.
+
+_Lady D._ How, sir, come to affront us! D'ye know who we are, sir?
+
+_Sir H._ Know who you are! Why, your daughter there, is Mr. Vizard's
+--cousin, I suppose. And for you, madam--I suppose your ladyship to be
+one of those civil, obliging, discreet old gentlewomen, who keep their
+visiting days for the entertainment of their presenting friends, whom
+they treat with imperial tea, a private room, and a pack of cards. Now I
+suppose you do understand me.
+
+_Lady D._ This is beyond sufferance! But say, thou abusive man, what
+injury have you ever received from me, or mine, thus to engage you in
+this scandalous aspersion.
+
+_Ang._ Yes, sir, what cause, what motives could induce you thus to
+debase yourself below your rank?
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Now, dear Roxana, and you, my fair Statira, be not so
+very heroic in your style: Vizard's letter may resolve you, and answer
+all the impertinent questions you have made me.
+
+_Lady D. and Ang._ We appeal to that.
+
+_Sir H._ And I'll stand to't; he read it to me, and the contents were
+pretty plain, I thought.
+
+_Ang._ Here, sir, peruse it, and see how much we are injured, and you
+deceived.
+
+_Sir H._ [_Opening the Letter._] But hold, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.]
+before I read I'll make some condition:--Mr. Vizard says here, that I
+won't scruple thirty or forty pieces. Now, madam, if you have clapped in
+another cypher to the account, and made it three or four hundred, 'egad
+I'll not stand to't.
+
+_Lady D._ The letter, sir, shall answer you.
+
+_Sir H._ Well then--[Reads.] _Out of my earnest inclination to serve
+your ladyship, and my cousin Angelica_--Ay, ay, the very words, I can
+say it by heart--_I have sent Sir Harry Wildair to_--What the devil's
+this?--_Sent Sir Harry Wildair to court my cousin_--He read to me quite
+a different thing--_He's a gentleman of great parts and fortune_--He's a
+son of a whore, and a rascal--_And would make your daughter very happy_
+[Whistles.] _in a husband_.----[_Looks foolish, and hums a Song._]--Oh!
+poor Sir Harry, what have thy angry stars designed?
+
+_Ang._ Now, sir, I hope you need no instigation to redress our wrongs,
+since even the injury points the way.
+
+_Lady D._ Think, sir, that our blood for many generations has run in the
+purest channel of unsullied honour.
+
+_Sir H._ Ay, madam.                                      [_Bows to her._
+
+_Ang._ Consider what a tender flower is woman's reputation, which the
+least air of foul detraction blasts.
+
+_Sir H._ Yes, madam.                               [_Bows to the other._
+
+_Lady D._ Call then to mind your rude and scandalous behaviour.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam.                                    [_Bows again._
+
+_Ang._ Remember the base price you offered me.                  [_Exit._
+
+_Sir H._ Very true, madam. Was ever man so catechized?
+
+_Lady D._ And think that Vizard,--villain Vizard,--caused all this, yet
+lives: that's all: farewell.
+
+_Sir H._ Stay, madam, [_To_ LADY DARLING.] one word; is there no other
+way to redress your wrongs, but by fighting?
+
+_Lady D._ Only one, sir; which, if you can think of, you may do: you
+know the business I entertained you for.
+
+_Sir H._ I understand you, madam. [_Exit_ LADY DARLING.] Here am I
+brought to a very pretty dilemma. I must commit murder, or commit
+matrimony; which is the best now? a license from Doctors' Commons, or a
+sentence from the Old Bailey?--If I kill my man, the law hangs me; if
+I marry my woman, I shall hang myself.----But, damn it--cowards dare
+fight:--I'll marry, that's the most daring action of the two.   [_Exit._
+
+
+SCENE II.
+
+_Newgate._
+
+CLINCHER SENIOR, _solus_.
+
+
+_Clinch. sen._ How severe and melancholy are Newgate reflections! Last
+week my father died; yesterday I turned beau; to-day I am laid by the
+heels, and to-morrow shall be hung by the neck.----I was agreeing with a
+bookseller about printing an account of my journey through France and
+Italy; but now the history of my travels must be through Holborn, to
+Tyburn.--"The last dying speech of Beau Clincher, that was going to the
+Jubilee--Come, a halfpenny a-piece."--A sad sound, a sad sound, 'faith!
+'Tis one way to make a man's death make a great noise in the world.
+
+_Enter_ TOM ERRAND.
+
+A reprieve! a reprieve! thou dear, dear--damned rogue. Where have you
+been? Thou art the most welcome--son of a whore; where's my clothes?
+
+_Tom._ Sir, I see where mine are. Come, sir, strip, sir, strip.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Sir, you cannot master me, for I am twenty thousand
+strong.                                           [_Exeunt, struggling._
+
+
+SCENE III.
+
+LADY DARLING'S _House_.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR, _with Cards_; SERVANTS _following_.
+
+
+_Sir H._ Here, fly all around, and bear these as directed; you to
+Westminster, you to St. James's, and you into the city. Tell all my
+friends, a bridegroom's joy invites their presence. Tell them, I am
+married. If any ask to whom, make no reply; but tell them, that I am
+married; that joy shall crown the day, and love the night. Begone, fly.
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+A thousand welcomes, friend; my pleasure's now complete, since I can
+share it with my friend: brisk joy shall bound from me to you; then back
+again; and, like the sun, grow warmer by reflection.
+
+_Colonel S._ You are always pleasant, Sir Harry; but this transcends
+yourself: whence proceeds it?
+
+_Sir H._ Canst thou not guess, my friend? Whence flows all earthly joy?
+What is the life of man, and soul of pleasure? Woman.----What fires the
+heart with transport, and the soul with raptures?--Lovely woman----What
+is the master-stroke and smile of the creation, but charming, virtuous
+woman?--Methinks, my friend, you relish not my joy. What is the cause?
+
+_Colonel S._ Canst thou not guess?--What is the bane of man, and scourge
+of life, but woman?--What is the heathenish idol man sets up, and is
+damned for worshipping? Treacherous woman.--Woman, whose composition
+inverts humanity; their bodies heavenly, but their souls are clay.
+
+_Sir H._ Come, come, colonel, this is too much: I know your wrongs
+received from Lurewell may excuse your resentment against her. But it is
+unpardonable to charge the failings of a single woman upon the whole
+sex. I have found one, whose virtues----
+
+_Colonel S._ So have I, Sir Harry; I have found one whose pride's above
+yielding to a prince. And if lying, dissembling, perjury, and falsehood,
+be no breaches in a woman's honour, she is as innocent as infancy.
+
+_Sir H._ Well, colonel, I find your opinion grows stronger by
+opposition; I shall now, therefore, wave the argument, and only beg you
+for this day to make a show of complaisance at least.--Here comes my
+charming bride.
+
+_Enter_ LADY DARLING _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+_Colonel S._ [_Saluting_ ANGELICA.] I wish you, madam, all the joys of
+love and fortune.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER JUNIOR.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Gentlemen and ladies, I'm just upon the spur, and have
+only a minute to take my leave.
+
+_Sir H._ Whither are you bound, sir?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Bound, sir! I'm going to the Jubilee, sir.
+
+_Lady D._ Bless me, cousin! how came you by these clothes?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Clothes! ha! ha! ha! the rarest jest! ha! ha! ha! I shall
+burst, by Jupiter Ammon--I shall burst.
+
+_Lady D._ What's the matter, cousin?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ The matter! ha! ha! Why, an honest porter, ha! ha! ha!
+has knocked out my brother's brains--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Sir H._ A very good jest, i'faith--ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Ay, sir; but the best jest of all is, he knocked out his
+brains with a hammer--and so he is as dead as a door-nail! ha! ha! ha!
+
+_Lady D._ And do you laugh, wretch?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Laugh! ha! ha! ha! let me see e'er a younger brother in
+England, that won't laugh at such a jest!
+
+_Ang._ You appeared a very sober, pious gentleman, some hours ago.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Pshaw! I was a fool then; but now, madam, I'm a wit; I
+can rake now. As for your part, madam, you might have had me once; but
+now, madam, if you should fall to eating chalk, or gnawing the sheets,
+it is none of my fault. Now, madam, I have got an estate, and I must go
+to the Jubilee.
+
+_Enter_ CLINCHER SENIOR, _in a Blanket_.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Must you so, rogue--must ye? You will go to the Jubilee,
+will you?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ A ghost! a ghost! send for the Dean and Chapter
+presently.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ A ghost! No, no, sirrah! I'm an elder brother, rogue.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ I don't care a farthing for that; I'm sure you're dead in
+law.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Why so, sirrah--why so?
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Because, sir, I can get a fellow to swear he knocked out
+your brains.
+
+_Sir H._ An odd way of swearing a man out of his life!
+
+_Clinch. jun._ Smell him, gentlemen, he has a deadly scent about him.
+
+_Clinch. sen._ Truly, the apprehensions of death may have made me savour
+a little. O lord! the Colonel! The apprehension of him may make the
+savour worse, I'm afraid.
+
+_Clinch. jun._ In short, sir, were you a ghost, or brother, or devil, I
+will go to the Jubilee, by Jupiter Ammon.
+
+_Colonel S._ Go to the Jubilee! go to the bear-garden. Get you to your
+native plough and cart; converse with animals like yourself, sheep and
+oxen: men are creatures you don't understand.
+
+_Enter a_ SERVANT, _who whispers_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ Let them alone, colonel, their folly will be now diverting.
+Come, gentlemen, we'll dispute this point some other time.--Madam, shall
+I beg you to entertain the company in the next room for a moment?
+                                                     [_To_ LADY DARLING.
+
+_Lady D._ With all my heart----Come, gentlemen.
+                                              [_Exeunt all but_ WILDAIR.
+
+_Sir H._ A lady to inquire for me! Who can this be?
+
+_Enter_ LADY LUREWELL.
+
+Oh, madam, this favour is beyond my expectation--to come uninvited to
+dance at my wedding.----What d'ye gaze at, madam?
+
+_Lady L._ A monster--if thou'rt married, thou'rt the most perjured
+wretch that e'er avouch'd deceit.
+
+_Sir H._ Heyday! Why, madam, I'm sure I never swore to marry you: I
+made, indeed, a slight promise, upon condition of your granting me a
+small favour; but you would not consent, you know.
+
+_Lady L._ How he upbraids me with my shame!--Can you deny your binding
+vows, when this appears a witness against your falsehood! [_Shows a
+Ring._] Methinks the motto of this sacred pledge should flash confusion
+in your guilty face--Read, read here the binding words of love and
+honour--words not unknown to your perfidious tongue, though utter
+strangers to your treacherous heart.
+
+_Sir H._ The woman's stark staring mad, that's certain.
+
+_Lady L._ Was it maliciously designed to let me find my misery when past
+redress? To let me know you, only to know you false? Had not cursed
+chance showed me the motto, I had been happy: the first knowledge I had
+of you was fatal to me--and this second, worse.
+
+_Sir H._ What the devil is all this! Madam, I'm not at leisure for
+raillery at present, I have weighty affairs upon my hands: the business
+of pleasure, madam: any other time----                         [_Going._
+
+_Lady L._ Stay, I conjure you, stay.
+
+_Sir H._ 'Faith, I can't, my bride expects me; but harkye, when the
+honey-moon is over, about a month or two hence, I may do you a small
+favour.      [_Exit._
+
+_Lady L._ Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.
+Woman's weakness, man's falsehood, my own shame, and love's disdain, at
+once swell up my breast----Words, words, or I shall burst.     [_Going._
+
+_Enter_ COLONEL STANDARD.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay, madam, you need not shun my sight; for if you are
+perfect woman, you have confidence to outface a crime, and bear the
+charge of guilt without a blush.
+
+_Lady L._ The charge of guilt! what, making a fool of you? I've done
+it, and glory in the act: dissembling to the prejudice of men, is
+virtue; and every look, or sign, or smile, or tear that can deceive, is
+meritorious.
+
+_Colonel S._ Very pretty principles, truly. If there be truth in woman,
+'tis now in thee. Come, madam, you know that you're discovered, and,
+being sensible that you cannot escape, you would now turn to bay. That
+ring, madam, proclaims you guilty.
+
+_Lady L._ O monster, villain, perfidious villain! Has he told you?
+
+_Colonel S._ I'll tell it you, and loudly too.
+
+_Lady L._ O, name it not----Yet, speak it out, 'tis so just a punishment
+for putting faith in man, that I will bear it all. Speak now, what his
+busy scandal, and your improving malice, both dare utter.
+
+_Colonel S._ Your falsehood can't be reached by malice nor by satire;
+your actions are the justest libel on your fame; your words, your looks,
+your tears, I did believe in spite of common fame. Nay, 'gainst mine own
+eyes, I still maintained your truth. I imagined Wildair's boasting of
+your favours to be the pure result of his own vanity: at last he urged
+your taking presents of him; as a convincing proof of which, you
+yesterday from him received that ring, which ring, that I might be sure
+he gave it, I lent him for that purpose.
+
+_Lady L._ Ha! you lent it him for that purpose!
+
+_Colonel S._ Yes, yes, madam, I lent it him for that purpose----No
+denying it--I know it well, for I have worn it long, and desire it now,
+madam, to restore it to the just owner.
+
+_Lady L._ The just owner! Think, sir, think but of what importance 'tis
+to own it: if you have love and honour in your soul, 'tis then most
+justly yours; if not, you are a robber, and have stolen it basely.
+
+_Colonel S._ Ha! your words, like meeting flints, have struck a light,
+to show me something strange----But tell me instantly, is not your real
+name Manly?
+
+_Lady L._ Answer me first: did not you receive this ring about twelve
+years ago?
+
+_Colonel S._ I did.
+
+_Lady L._ And were not you about that time entertained two nights at the
+house of Sir Oliver Manly, in Oxfordshire?
+
+_Colonel S._ I was! I was! [_Runs to her, and embraces her._] The blest
+remembrance fires my soul with transport----I know the rest----you are
+the charming she, and I the happy man.
+
+_Lady L._ How has blind fortune stumbled on the right? But where have
+you wandered since?--'Twas cruel to forsake me.
+
+_Colonel S._ The particulars of my fortune are too tedious now: but to
+discharge myself from the stain of dishonour, I must tell you, that
+immediately upon my return to the university, my elder brother and I
+quarrelled: my father, to prevent farther mischief, posts me away to
+travel: I wrote to you from London, but fear the letter came not to your
+hands.
+
+_Lady L._ I never had the least account of you by letter, or otherwise.
+
+_Colonel S._ Three years I lived abroad, and at my return, found you
+were gone out of the kingdom, though none could tell me whither: missing
+you thus, I went to Flanders, served my king till the peace commenced;
+then fortunately going on board at Amsterdam, one ship transported us
+both to England. At the first sight I loved, though ignorant of the
+hidden cause----You may remember, madam, that, talking once of marriage,
+I told you I was engaged--to your dear self I meant.
+
+_Lady L._ Then men are still most generous and brave--and, to reward
+your truth, an estate of three thousand pounds a year waits your
+acceptance; and, if I can satisfy you in my past conduct, I shall
+expect the honourable performance of your promise, and that you will
+stay with me in England.
+
+_Colonel S._ Stay--Nor fame, nor glory e'er shall part us more. My
+honour can be no where more concerned than here.
+
+_Enter_ SIR H. WILDAIR _and_ ANGELICA.
+
+Oh, Sir Harry! Fortune has acted miracles to-day: the story's strange
+and tedious, but all amounts to this--that woman's mind is charming as
+her person, and I am made a convert too to beauty.
+
+_Sir H._ I wanted only this, to make my pleasure perfect.
+
+_Enter_ SMUGGLER.
+
+_Smug._ So, gentlemen and ladies, I'm glad to find you so merry; is my
+gracious nephew among ye?
+
+_Sir H._ Sir, he dares not show his face among such honourable company;
+for your gracious nephew is--
+
+_Smug._ What, sir? Have a care what you say.
+
+_Sir H._ A villain, sir.
+
+_Smug._ With all my heart. I'll pardon you the beating me, for that very
+word. And pray, Sir Harry, when you see him next, tell him this news
+from me, that I have disinherited him--that I will leave him as poor as
+a disbanded quarter-master.--Oh, Sir Harry, he is as hypocritical----
+
+_Lady L._ As yourself, Mr. Alderman. How fares my good old nurse, pray,
+sir?----Come, Mr. Alderman, for once let a woman advise:--Would you be
+thought an honest man, banish covetousness, that worst gout of age:
+avarice is a poor pilfering quality, of the soul, and will, as certainly
+cheat, as a thief would steal. Would you be thought a reformer of the
+times, be less severe in your censures, less rigid in your precepts, and
+more strict in your example.
+
+_Sir H._ Right, madam, virtue flows freer from imitation than
+compulsion; of which, colonel, your conversion and mine, are just
+examples.
+
+  In vain are musty morals taught in schools,
+  By rigid teachers, and as rigid rules,
+  Where virtue with a frowning aspect stands,
+  And frights the pupil from its rough commands
+  But woman----
+  Charming woman can true converts make,
+  We love the precept for the teacher's sake.
+  Virtue in them appears so bright, so gay,
+  We hear with transport, and with pride obey.          [_Exeunt omnes._
+
+
+
+
+      *      *      *      *      *      *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note:
+
+The text includes a number of words with alternate spellings or
+spellings no longer common. These have been retained. A single
+instance of dy'e was changed to match the otherwise usual d'ye.
+
+The following additional changes were made to the text:
+
+Act II, Scene III, (Colonel Standard)
+I ha'n't vered half my message
+was changed to read:
+I ha'n't delivered half my message.
+
+Act IV, Scene II, (Lady Lurewell)
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not be spoken with.
+was changed to read:
+This must be Sir Harry; tell him I am not to be spoken with.
+
+
+
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