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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93,
+July 9, 1887., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, July 9, 1887.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 31, 2010 [EBook #32629]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 93.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  JULY 9, 1887.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+OPERATIC CONFUSION.
+
+I went on Saturday to hear the three operatic novelties so liberally
+provided for us on the same night by Messrs. MAPLESON, LAGO and HARRIS.
+I do not mix my liquors, and I endeavour, as a rule, to keep to the same
+lyrical drama throughout the evening; nor is it my fault if a good dose
+of strong BEETHOVEN, sweetened with GOUNOD and flavoured with MEYERBEER
+had, on the occasion in question, a somewhat confusing effect on my
+brain. At Her Majesty's, LILLI LEHMANN was all right as _Leonora_: not
+_Leonora_ of _La Favorita_, but _Leonora_ the favourite wife of
+_Manrico_--no, not of _Manrico_, but of another personage who, like the
+unfortunate _Trovatore_, has to be rescued by his loving spouse from the
+tyranny of a powerful baritone; whether VERDI'S _Count di Luna_ or
+SHERIDAN'S _Pizarro_, I cannot just now call to mind. Mlle. LEHMANN is
+not only a fine singer, but also a serious dramatic artist; and the
+public was deeply impressed by her performance. She is a LEHMANN with
+all the earnestness of a good clergyman; not that she had taken orders
+as I (Box No. 70) had done.
+
+From Her Majesty's Theatre, I drove in a rapid Hansom to Drury Lane. I
+had told the cabman to take me to the Royal Italian Opera, and I was
+about to remonstrate with him for conveying me to the wrong house, when
+he promptly explained that there were now two Royal Italian Operas, one
+at Covent Garden, the other at Drury Lane. New source of confusion!
+"Confusion worse confounded!" as MILTON observes.
+
+"How far have they got?" I inquired as I entered the theatre.
+
+"_Valentine's_ death scene," replied my friend.
+
+"_Valentine_ does not die, my dear fellow; _Valentine_ only faints," I
+answered, I was thinking of course, of the new dramatic soprano, Mlle.
+SANDRA, in _Les Huguenots_.
+
+"You are evidently not an Opera-goer," I continued, "or you would know
+that no one dies in this work, except, of course, in the last Act. But
+that is always left out."
+
+"Wrong again!" exclaimed JONES, with an amused look. "AUGUSTUS HARRIS
+restores the last Act. See his prospectus."
+
+"Well, never mind that. Is _Ella Russell_ singing the part of _Queen
+Margaret_ as well as ever?"
+
+"I did not know that _Margaret_ was a Queen. I always thought she was of
+humble origin. The part in any case is being played by Mlle. NORDICA."
+
+Determined to be no longer the victim of mystification, I wished JONES
+good-bye, and hurrying in, found the curtain down. Afraid now to ask
+what was being played, I waited patiently for the next Act, and when at
+last the curtain went up, I found to my astonishment that some
+representation entirely new to me was taking place. Will-o'-the-Wisps on
+a dark back-ground. That was all I saw. I asked myself whether I had
+gone mad, or whether the Drury Lane Pantomime was being played a little
+earlier than usual. Then the dark scene gave place to a scene of great
+brilliancy. There was a throne at the back of the stage, and again my
+thoughts reverted to the _Huguenots_, and I fancied I could recognise
+_Queen Margaret_. But her features were not the features of ELLA
+RUSSELL. Besides, ELLA RUSSELL does not dance, not at least on the
+Operatic stage; and this lady did.
+
+"This is HELEN," said a gentleman in a stall on my right to a lady by
+his side. Here was at least a clue; and when at the same moment the
+baritone DE RESZKE stepped out of a group attired in the garb of
+_Mephistopheles_, I said to myself that the performance had been
+changed, and this was the last Act of BOÏTO'S _Mefistofele_, with new
+details, or at least details that I had not noticed when the work was
+performed at Her Majesty's Theatre and at Covent Garden. Now dancing
+began in earnest, and I wondered much at the never-failing ingenuity of
+Mr. AUGUSTUS HARRIS, who with a score of first-rate singers in his
+Company, had nevertheless found himself compelled (probably at five
+minutes' notice,) to change an Opera into a _ballet_. It reminded me of
+a certain operatic Manager, who, being suddenly deprived of the services
+of most of his vocalists, announced in his programme, that in
+consequence of the departure of his principal singers, the music of _Don
+Giovanni_, would be "replaced, for that night only, by lively and
+expressive pantomime."
+
+When, however, _Mephistopheles_ DE RESZKE and _Faust_ DE RESZKE both
+began to sing, I saw that my supposition was untenable.
+
+"What you have seen," said JONES, who meanwhile had come in, and who now
+occupied a seat on my left, "is not _Mefistofele_ at all. It is GOUNOD'S
+additional Ballet Scene for _Faust_. 'Dramatic _Divertissement_' it
+ought to be called. Beautiful grouping, picturesque costumes,
+magnificent scenery, delightful dance music! But you ought not to have
+missed the new _Valentine_. That was a great mistake." I looked at my
+watch. "Time enough for the new _Valentine_ even now," I reflected; and
+I went over as fast as I could to Covent Garden.
+
+Here there was a new _Valentine_ surely enough. A Russian lady, I was
+told. Not a bit like the Russian ladies one has seen in _Fedora_, the
+_Pink Pearl_, the _Red Lamp_, and other dramatic misrepresentations of
+Russian life. But Mlle. SANDRA, or Mlle. PANAEFF, or whatever her name
+may be, was not playing the part of a female Nihilist. She was
+impersonating a well-bred, Catholic young lady of the Sixteenth Century.
+JONES subsequently informed me that it was not Mlle. SANDRA'S
+_Valentine_ that I ought to have seen, but VICTOR MAUREL'S, at the other
+house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE AT THE GUILDHALL.--Now we know what the City Marshal has to do. We
+saw him in his warlike costume, bareheaded, marshalling the carriages of
+the Great Personages on their departure, and capitally he did it. Not a
+single name was pronounced incorrectly. Everybody came up to time, and
+got away comfortably. On these occasions, the City Marshal is a sort of
+Glorified Linkman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LATEST FROM LORD'S.
+
+_Land Bill._ "WELL, ANYHOW, YOU CARRIED YOUR BAT." _Crimes Bill._ "YES;
+BUT YOU'LL FIND THE BOWLING AWFULLY HOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCENE--_The Cricket Field. The Bell has rung for the Second Innings._
+Mr. LAND BILL _is just going to the wickets, and pauses to exchange a
+word or two with_ Mr. CRIMES BILL, _who has had so long an innings in
+the earlier part of the match_.
+
+    _Crimes Bill (taking it easy on his bat)._ Hello, L. B. my lad,
+      you're going in?
+
+    _L. B. (buttoning his gloves nervously)._ Ye--e--s. Captain's orders!
+
+    _C. B._ Well, I hope you'll win.
+
+    _L. B._ I'll do my best; can Cricketer do more?
+
+    _C. B._ No. But, by Jove! you'll find it hard to score.
+
+    _L. B._ What? Bowling killing?
+
+    _C. B._ Beastly! Talk of "shying"?
+        CROSSLAND'S a lamb to HEALY.
+
+    _L. B._ Ah! that's trying.
+        But then they haven't got a SHAW, Sir, surely?
+
+    _C. B._ No; but, by Jingo! they have more--a MORLEY!
+        Straight on the middle stump. And then old GLAD
+        Breaks awful, right and left, and shoots like mad.
+        I say they ought to be disqualified
+        For unfair bowling.
+
+    _L. B._ Humph! that game's been tried;
+        But Umpire doesn't always seem to see it.
+
+    _C. B._ Ah! Umpires are such funkers.
+
+    _L. B._ Well, so be it.
+        Must do my best. What sort of wickets?
+
+    _C. B._ Crumbling.
+        Must meet the ball with a straight bat; no fumbling,
+        Or out you go!
+
+    _L. B._ And how's the fielding?
+
+    _C. B._ Dicky!
+        'Tis there you'll have the pull that wickets sticky
+        Or cut up, through the influence of weather,
+        Can't neutralise. _They're never all together._
+        Some run like hares, some throw in like a Krupp;
+        But what they fail in is in "backing up."
+
+    _L. B._ Thanks be! I see my chance then. If they're loose
+        In fielding I can slog 'em to the doose.
+
+    _C. B._ But don't take liberties, my lad. No jumps
+        In for a drive; they're always on the stumps.
+        And then their wicket-keeper's like a cat.
+
+    _L. B._ Well, anyhow _you_ carried out your bat,
+        Despite the lot of them. Can "_crack_" do more?
+
+    _C. B. (significantly)._ Yes!--I kept up my stumps, but
+          _could not score_!
+        A "Not out, nothing" may be meritorious,
+        And very useful, but 'tis hardly glorious,
+        A stolid SCOTTON'S worth his salt, at need;
+        But, after all, he's not a GRACE or READ.
+       _You_'ll have to hit, as well as guard your wicket,
+        If you'd be popular. Blocking is not Cricket!
+
+    _L. B._ Humph! no, not quite. My orders are to score
+        And bring the House down.
+
+    _C. B._ That will cause a roar
+        When you take back your bat to the Pavilion.
+        A Cricketer must smite to please the Million.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUTLEDGE'S _Jubilee Guide to London_, is good, not only for such a
+"high old time" as the Jubilee Week, but for the next three years or so
+until the streets are re-named and a few new thoroughfares opened up.
+The illustrations are excellent. There is only one objection to this
+Guide as a companion, and that is it is rather too large. No Guide to be
+useful should be bigger than the Handy-Volume Shakspeare size,
+originally started at 85, Fleet Street. Some of the French Guides, not
+the regiment, but the little books, JOANNE'S Series, are models in this
+respect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILIPS' _Handy Volume Atlas_ is about the right size. "The World," it
+is often said, "is a small place;" but for all that, it does not go so
+easily in a tail-coat pocket, where Mr. PHILIPS' _Atlas_ can be
+conveniently carried. It is an invaluable companion for everyday
+newspaper reading. _Happy Thought_ for Travellers, to whom this little
+volume is recommended, "PHILIPS on his way through the World."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Our Artist (showing his last and most important Picture, the work of
+years)._ "YES, I SHOULD LIKE TO _EXHIBIT_ IT; BUT I DON'T WANT TO _SELL_
+IT, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST NOT TILL TIMES ARE BETTER."
+
+_Friend._ "WELL, WHY NOT SEND IT TO THE EXHIBITION, AND PUT A
+PROHIBITIVE PRICE UPON IT--SAY TWENTY POUNDS?!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.
+
+(_Meteorological forecast for the Month._)
+
+_6th._--Queen's Weather continues. Raspberry crop fails. Strawberries
+sold by auction in Covent Garden Market, and fetch two guineas each.
+
+_13th._--Queen's Weather still continues. All the grass in Hyde Park
+turns brown, and suddenly disappears. Vegetables generally sell at
+famine prices. Riot of Dukes attempting to secure a bundle of late
+asparagus from a fashionable West End greengrocer's, suppressed by the
+police.
+
+_17th._--Queen's Weather as settled as ever. Great drought commences.
+London Water Companies cut off their supply. Five o'clock tea in
+Belgravia made from boiled soda-water. Apollinaris supplied in buckets,
+for washing purposes, at the rate of twenty guineas the dozen pint
+bottles.
+
+_21st._--Queen's Weather showing no signs of departure, fifteen
+umbrella-manufacturers go through the Bankruptcy Court, and commit
+suicide. Dust in London becomes intolerable. A Nobleman in Mayfair has
+Piccadilly watered with BASS'S India Pale Ale.
+
+_27th._--Queen's Weather established. The Thames runs dry between
+Vauxhall and Westminster. The SPEAKER gives a garden-party in the bed of
+the river. _Café noir_, made of ink, served as a refreshment.
+
+_31st._--Queen's Weather still continuing, seventeen ginger-beer
+manufacturers who have become _millionnaires_ are raised to the
+Peerage. The LORD MAYOR goes off his head, and, imagining that he is the
+Old Pump at Aldgate, is removed, by general consent, to Colney Hatch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOREAT MASCHERA!
+
+A GREAT deal of curiosity has been expressed about the Gray's Inn _Maske
+of Flowers_, which has puzzled a number of people. The better informed
+have replied, when asked, "What _was_ it?" "Oh, don't you know what a
+Maske is? Why _Comus_ was a Maske, don't you know?" To save time and
+temper, _Mr. Punch_ begs to inform all inquirers that:--
+
+1. "Gray's Inn" is the Inn where the poet GRAY always stopped when he
+came to town. It has always been associated with Poets.
+
+2. This _Maske of Flowers_ is not Mr. CYRIL FLOWER, M.P.'s.
+
+3. It is highly improbable that the Benchers of the Four Inns of Court
+will appear in Fancy Costume at four o'clock in the morning, and
+serenade the occupants of the Western Face of Gray's Inn Square from the
+Gardens.
+
+4. The Maske is not so called from everybody in Gray's Inn appearing in
+"big heads."
+
+5. The LORD CHANCELLOR is not introduced as Harlequin, and does not
+dance a _pas seul_ with "Mr. SOLICITOR," founded upon some of the more
+intricate steps of the _pavan_, or peacock's strut.
+
+6. That it is not the duty of the Master of the Revels to teach the
+Masters of the Bench how to execute with spirit a Morisco.
+
+Having said what the Maske will _not_ be, _Mr. Punch_ goes a step
+further--and stops, thinking it will be better to reserve particulars
+until after the Performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVERY Etonian ought to go to the Gaiety and hear Mr. MERRIVALE'S new
+piece, of which Mrs. BROWN-POTTER is the heroine. Why ought every
+Etonian to do this? We forgot to mention that the name of the play is
+_Civil Warre_. (If it isn't so spelt, it ought to be.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYALTY AT THE PALACE.
+
+[Illustration: Cockney notion of A-making.]
+
+A HARD-WORKING three weeks has H.R.H. had of it. Morning, noon, and
+night, here, there, and everywhere. _Mr. Punch_ was glad to see that
+H.R.H. took his advice, given last week, and immediately visited the
+Crystal Palace. The Fireworks were first-rate. The Prospect was
+brilliant. Good omen for the C.P. If the B.P. could only get to the
+C.P. in twenty minutes from Victoria, by Palace trains every twenty-five
+minutes after a certain time in the afternoon, the future chances of
+prosperity for the Palace would be considerably increased. By the way,
+we thought we noticed some people, who had nothing to do with the
+fireworks, speaking to the Lighters--the de-lighters--while in the
+execution of their duty. If so, this ought to be stopped, and a notice
+put up,--"You are requested not to speak to the Man at the (Catherine)
+Wheel."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JILLS IN OFFICE.
+
+SCENE--_Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young
+Ladies (let them be distinguished as_ Miss CROSS and Miss ORTY)
+_discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is
+composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of_ Miss C.
+and Miss O. _though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers,
+having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to
+three_ MILD MEN, _who advance to screen with a meekness designed to
+propitiate. Instant transformation in both_ Miss C. and Miss O., _who
+gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not
+fond of animals_.
+
+_First Mild Man (with apologetic cough)._ Oh, good-day! [_Slight pause._
+
+_Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote)._
+Yes, I said it to him just like that--it made me so wild!
+
+_Miss Orty._ I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me.
+
+_First M. M._ Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please?
+
+[Miss Orty, _without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps,
+and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen_.
+
+_Second Mild Man._ Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to
+inquire---- (Miss C. and Miss O. _regard him stonily, which has effect
+of disconcerting him to some extent_). I--I ... there were some books I
+sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may
+remember it?--they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. _and_ Miss O.
+_wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull
+story_.) Some of my friends, er--I have been given to understand, that
+two of the parcels have--well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you
+kindly----
+
+_Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows)._ Know anything about the
+books?
+
+_Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty
+selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M._ Fill up
+that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General.
+
+_Second M. M._ But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid _here_?
+You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps--er----
+
+_Miss O._ Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form.
+
+_Second M. M._ Quite so--but if you could only tell me----
+
+_Miss O._ Can't do any more than I have done. (_To First M. M._) I gave
+you your stamps some time ago, didn't I?
+
+_First M. M._ Oh, yes--yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But--but (_with
+manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject_) there was
+my change--I--I gave you half a sovereign.
+
+_Miss O. (with cold suspicion)._ Don't remember it. You should have
+spoke about it at the time--but of course, if you say you haven't had
+it--I suppose----
+
+[_Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to
+expect._
+
+_Second M. M._ One moment--am I to leave this form with you?
+
+_Miss C._ No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular
+way--they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you
+take the trouble to look.
+
+_Second M. M._ Thank you _very_ much. Good morning.
+
+[Miss C. _and_ Miss O. _naturally take no notice of this piece of
+familiarity, and_ Second M. M. _departs crushed, and gradually realises
+that he is slightly annoyed_.
+
+_Third M. M. (presenting a telegram)._ Will you send this off at once,
+please?
+
+_Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather
+as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer)._
+"Post mortem's" _two_ words.
+
+_Third M. M._ I have no objection--but it's rather important. I want it
+delivered, and _soon_.
+
+_Miss O._ You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then.
+
+_Third M. M._ But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo."
+
+_Miss O. (who seems to consider_ "Rumbo" _somewhat too frivolous_).
+Well, if you like to leave it so, I can _send_ it--it's at your risk.
+(_She leaves the form on the counter._) Eightpence-halfpenny.
+
+_Enter_ Footman, _with parcel_.
+
+_Footman._ How much to pay on this, Miss, please?
+
+[Miss Cross _takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite
+contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to_
+Footman, _with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively_.
+Footman, _after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in
+a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated
+to ask for further instructions_.
+
+_Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote)._ I _should_ laugh if he
+came again next Sunday, just the same--shouldn't you?
+
+_Miss O._ I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know!
+
+_Miss C._ Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way.
+(_Perceives_ First M. M. _evidently awaiting her leisure_.) Was there
+anything else you were waiting for?
+
+_First M. M._ Er--yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for
+six-and-sixpence?
+
+_Miss C. (with decision)._ No, I can't!
+
+_First M. M. (surprised)._ But surely----!
+
+_Miss C._ Give you two--one for five shillings, and one for
+eighteen-pence, if _that_ will do?
+
+_First M. M._ Of course, that's what I meant!
+
+_Miss Cross._ It's not what you _said_--you said _a_ order. (_Makes out
+the orders with much disdain._) Three-halfpence to pay.
+
+_Second M. M. (returning)._ Oh, I quite forgot--will you kindly cash
+this order for me?
+
+_Miss O._ Not till you've signed it.
+
+_Second M. M._ Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed!
+Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment?
+
+_Miss O._ There's a desk over there for all that.
+
+_Second M. M._ I--I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would
+save time--the desk is occupied at present I observe.
+
+_Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through
+the wire net-work.)_ Give it back when you've finished with it.
+
+[_She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir._
+
+_Enter_ Imperious Customer, _and approaches screen with lordly air_.
+
+_Imperious Customer (blusterously)._ Here you--one of you, let me have a
+penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny
+wrappers, will you? and look sharp!
+
+_Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.)_ Certainly, Sir.
+(_They vie with one another in activity._) Postcards in that drawer ...
+I'll get the wrappers--ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good
+morning, Sir.
+
+[_Exit_ Imperious Stranger _snatching up his purchases and ignoring
+parting smiles from behind the screen_. Mild Men _store up the lesson
+for use on future occasions. Scene closes in_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How's That?
+
+  "THE A B C of Cricket you must get,"
+    Says a great Critic, "if you would succeed."
+  _Punch_ then presumes 'tis by that Alphabet
+    A Cricketer may learn to (WALTER) READ!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COINS OF THE REALM.--'ARRY remarks that the Tories are led by a "Bob"
+(CECIL), the Parnellites can boast the possession of a "TANNER," whilst
+the Liberal Unionists make the most of their "JOEY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE JAR.--The French have a proverb, "_il faut qu'une porte soit
+ouverte ou fermée_." This evidently does not apply to the Sublime Porte,
+which seems generally "neither one thing nor t' other."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT was settled at the last meet of the Coaching Club that Mr. EATON,
+M.P., the new Peer, is to be crowned not with laurels, but with his own
+bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BARD AT HENLEY.
+
+(_A Reminiscence._)
+
+[Illustration: Retirement after the Jubilee Fortnight.
+  "Far from the Madding Crowd."]
+
+  OH, Friday was lovely! The Bard who now sings
+  Saw Princes, Princesses, a Duke, and two Kings,
+  His Indian Highness, called RAS KUTCH THAKORE,
+  NAWAB GAFFER JUNG and several more.
+
+  They saw the best racing, then went to lunch with
+  The Closuring Commoner, our Mr. SMITH.
+  'Twas Jubilee Weather! the Course was well kept!
+  Oh, champagne! and Oh, headache! I sighed--and then slept.
+
+  I awoke, to find all my companions gone,
+  And I, like the Rose, was left blooming alone.
+  So I plunged in the freshening stream--down, down, down
+  I dived, and I dived, then I came up--to town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CASE AGAINST THE POLICE.--This was Miss CASE, who being arrested by a
+Constable, was Miss-taken for somebody else. Gallant JOSEPHUS
+CHAMBERLANIUS of the Orchid Squad has come to the rescue, and the
+"MATTHEWS-at-Home" Secretary granted an inquiry. Before this paragraph
+appears, the Public may be in possession of the truth. Justice must be
+done, or the young woman may become Case-hardened. But whatever the
+result may be, the Magistrate should study and get by heart, _Newton's
+Principia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GARDEN, LANE, AND MARKET.
+
+[Illustration: Note from "Mr. G." to Madame Albani.]
+
+"MR. G."--the upper G.--went to hear _Puritani_ on Thursday night. Of
+course he called on Madame ALBANI, and sang a few of the songs just to
+give "Signor G." a hint. When the First Act was over, and the Closure
+was moved by the Act-drop descending, Mr. G. went into the Lobby, and
+voted with the Government of Covent Garden. Mr. G. was seen to be
+several times in animated conversation with Mr. HALL, who was decorated
+with a Covent Garden Order, and was wearing a _Shirtcollerado
+Gladstonensis_ in his button-hole. It is, we believe, quite untrue that
+Mr. HALL has refused to take office--box office--in the next Liberal
+Cabinet; but whether he will be made an Extra Knight or not is still
+uncertain. Mr. GYE is very Earnest about it, and at present we can say
+no more except that the performance of _I Puritani_ was first-rate, as
+naturally it would be, with ALBANI, enthusiastically received, GAYARRÉ,
+and D'ANDRADE. There were numerous _encores_, and the applause was
+bestowed with a warmth which increased the temperature considerably.
+
+_At Drury Lane._--A prettier and sweeter voiced _Zerlina_ than Miss
+ARNOLDSON, has not been seen or heard for some time. We must not venture
+on comparisons, but in two respects Miss ARNOLDSON has the advantage
+over Madame PATTI (who was singing in _Traviata_ on Friday night at the
+Colonel's Opera House) but one of these is not voice. M. MAUREL played
+and sang the im-Maurel _Don Giovanni_ admirably, and CIAMPI as
+_Mazetto_, looked and acted like LIONEL BROUGH. A good performance.
+
+[Illustration: "Approbation from Mr. P. is praise indeed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LONG EXPECTED COME AT LAST!"
+
+THE Imperial Institute has commenced. The first stone has been laid by
+Her Gracious MAJESTY, and the Prince of WALES is sanguine as to the
+result. The Institute is to be a House and Home, with gardens attached,
+for special use of our Indian and Colonial cousins visiting England, and
+it is also intended to keep perpetually before the eyes of the British
+Public specimens of Indian and Colonial industry. To so useful a scheme
+_Mr. Punch_ wishes every success.
+
+Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum,
+Tendimus in--Kensington.
+
+The subjoined list of the Procession as it ought to have been, was
+probably altered at the last moment; but there is no doubt it would have
+been effective as it stood, or rather as it moved on:--
+
+  Australian Lambs.    Organising Committee   Mr. BOEHM, R.A., and
+  The Master of the    with various           Mr. GOSCHEN with
+  Mint.                Organs.                new coinage tossing heads.
+
+        Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., drawing himself.
+
+  Groom of the Bedchamber                     "Lord's" in Waiting
+  (on towel-horse).                       (Oxford and Cambridge Eleven).
+
+      The Rajah of SHAMPOOAH, with Order of the Turkish Bath.
+
+                             THE QUEEN.
+
+    Her ROYAL HIGHNESS                H.R.H. Prince of WALES, K.G.
+  The Princess of WALES.          ("K.G.," _i.e._, "Kensington Gained.")
+
+            Any Kings and Queens who may be left in Town.
+
+  Master of the Horse      Ladies in Waiting     Mistress of the Robes
+    on a Buck-jumper.        to be asked.          ("dressing up.")
+
+  Lots of Sticks in        A Serene Grand       "Mr. G," as "Umbrella
+    Waiting (with banners   Transparency          in Waiting."
+    of Advertisements       (personally           (N.B.--This is "Collar
+    in _Era_.)              illuminated           day.")
+                            by Mr. BROCK.)
+
+        Any number of Trumpeters blowing their own Trumpets.
+
+  Little Indian Pickles,    GEO. AUGUSTUS SALA,    Australian Wines,
+    led, with taste, by      with "Echoes," and     headed by Sir
+    Sir P. CUNLIFFE          driving four Quills    "WILL SOMERS"
+    OWEN.                    at once.               VINE.
+
+      Mr. LEWIS MORRIS, with his Ode Colonial, accompanied by
+            Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, on a Grand Piano.
+
+  Mr. HENRY IRVING.                      Mr. J. L. TOOLE.
+    (Last appearance in London           (Last appearance in London
+    previous to his departure             previous Aix-les-Bains.)
+    for America.)
+
+
+      Right Hon. W. H. SMITH, with banner of "Closure."
+
+At a signal from the Archbishop the Chorus will strike up--
+
+  The great Imperial Institoot,
+  In Kensington has taken root,
+  And as a tree up may it shoot!
+  Our Institoot, Our Institoot!
+
+Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was so overcome by this inspiration, that after
+reading it, he could not compose himself. "No," he exclaimed, "I cannot
+invent music which should be a worthy setting for so precious a gem!
+Give me something more simple," and so it came about that Mr. LEWIS
+MORRIS'S poem was chosen. Whether the above-quoted beautiful _chorale_
+was written by the Earl of R-SSL-N, whose little Jubilee volume of poems
+has so enchanted a select circle, or by another titled and
+unprofessional poet, is a secret which wild horses should not make us
+divulge. Hooray for the Institoot!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING ONE'S MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+_She._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF SPENDING ALL OUR SUNDAY AFTERNOONS IN WALKING
+ROUND THE SQUARE, WHERE THERE'S NEVER A SOUL AND HARDLY A TREE TO SPEAK
+OF, AND WHEN THERE'S THE PARK CLOSE BY?"
+
+_He._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF HAVING TO PAY A GUINEA A YEAR FOR THE USE OF
+THE SQUARE, IF WE DON'T USE IT AS OFTEN AS WE CAN, I SHOULD LIKE TO
+KNOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW, AND BAD, "HATCH."
+
+_Mr. Punch loquitur_:--
+
+  WELL, PARTLET, old hen, here's a pretty fiasco
+    The Poultry profession seems going to pot.
+  You might search the whole kingdom, from Greenwich to Glasgow,
+    And never encounter an uglier lot.
+  They're crooked, and cranky, and wry-neck'd, and lanky;
+    I cannot discover one point that is good.
+  What, join in your cackle of triumph? No, thankye!
+    We can't accept _this_ as a Jubilee brood.
+
+  I did expect something a little bit better
+    From one some crack up as the pride of the House.
+  Of decentish broods you have been a begetter,
+    And, though you are dowdy, I thought you had _nous_.
+  But these scraggy scramblers, ill-fledged and ill-fashioned?
+    By Jingo, old bird, they're a perfect disgrace.
+  No wonder the public disgust grows impassioned;
+    They simply degrade a respectable race.
+
+  Just think of the beauties, the silver and gold chicks,
+    That often have left that identical coop!
+  I'm sure there's not one of those comely, plump, bold chicks
+    That would not despise _this_ contemptible troop.
+  They look like the work of a villanous vamper.
+    Just take a glance at 'em, my PARTLET, I beg;
+  They've too much top-hamper, they scarcely can scamper.
+    A shabbier brood, PARTLET, never chipped egg.
+
+  Pray how do you think that the Fancy will class them,
+    So scraggy, and leggy, and bandy, and bald?
+  You'll find it most difficult, PARTLET, to pass them;
+    In fact, 'tis a pity they can't be recalled.
+  I'm really ashamed of 'em; so, Ma'am, should you be.
+    The kindliest hen-wife would banish the batch.
+  What? Say one word for 'em? Now, don't be a booby:
+    You must be aware they're a precious Bad Hatch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RALEIGH TOO BAD.
+
+SIR WALTER RALEIGH'S old house at Brixton Rise, _Punch_ hears, "is about
+to be sold by public auction", and the surrounding twelve acres of
+"nobly-timbered park", given over--of course, like so much else in that
+once leafy suburb--to the untender mercies of the Jerry Builder. Too
+bad! In the olden days, QUEEN BESS used to be rowed in her barge up the
+Effra (which now, like the Mole, "runneth underground", hidden by earth
+and brickwork, but, not long since, was a visible stream) to visit Sir
+WALTER at what was _then_ his Country House. There were no Interviewers
+in those happy days, else would a "Sir WALTER RALEIGH At Home", with
+"Gloriana" as his guest, be toothsome reading. And shall JUGSON, the
+Jerry-builder, with his mud-bricks and slime-mortar, his warped timber
+and his peeling stucco, banish even the memories of the great
+Elizabethans from their ancient haunts? Forbid it, O Spirit of the
+Jubilee Year! Let the Jubilators RALEIGH--we mean _rally_, round
+RALEIGH'S old Mansion,--
+
+  "Let not his house who witched Old England's eyes
+  Before base JUGSON fall on Brixton Rise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEN TROVATO AGAIN.--When the Papal Envoy arrived, His Eminence had
+several mansions placed at his disposal. The one he fancied most was
+that offered by Mr. H. LABOUCHERE, M.P., with the appropriate
+designation of "POPE'S Villa, Twickenham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hard-worked Official.
+
+  LORD CHAMBERLAIN LATHOM, exhausted is he
+  After this season of Jubilee.
+  "Farewell to my cares at holiday-tide,"
+  Says LATHOM aloud, when he'll _lay them aside_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As to the Mission of Monsignor PERSICO to Ireland, an Horatian
+Nationalist wrote--"PERSICO'S odi." And he probably does dislike it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW "HATCH."
+
+MR. P. "AH! THEY'RE AN AWFULLY UGLY LOT! I _DID_ THINK THE OLD
+GAUCHE-HEN--(AHEM!)--WOULD HA' DONE BETTER THAN THAT!!"
+
+[_Exit sadly._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST VISIT (BUT ONE) TO THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 518. Left Leg Shrunk.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 624. Her Serene Transparency.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 413. Hard Hit in a Town and Gown Row.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 647. What can we do with the Baby?]
+
+[Illustration: No. 623. Warming his Back against the Soup Tureen.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 253. Pulling the Stuffing out of Toy Terrier.]
+
+A grand flare-up on Thursday last. A Jubilee _Soirée_ worthy of the
+Jubilee Year and the Royal Academicians. Kings, Queens, Royal
+Highnesses, Grand Dukes and Duchesses have become so common this Jubilee
+month, that, when some _blasé_ and well-seasoned Londoner is asked who
+such and such a decorated person is, he languidly replies, "Oh! only a
+King, or something of that sort."
+
+There was a private Royal Night on Wednesday, when only Royalty and The
+Forty R.A.'s were present,--"The Forty" did something in the oil and
+colour line, as we gather from _The Arabian Nights_, revised edition, by
+Lady BURTON,--and, of course, _Mr. Punch_, who is everywhere on every
+occasion, and who, in a general way, represents H.R.H. Everybody.
+
+On Thursday night, T.R.H. Everybody and Everybody Else were present, and
+the scene was brilliant. Sir FREDERICK, a Prince among Presidents and a
+President among Princes, graciously welcomed the guests. He was assisted
+by Sir EVERETT MILLAIS and Treasurer HORSLEY, who appeared rather weary,
+perhaps tired of counting the shillings, or worried by the uncertainty
+of the monetary value of the BOEHM silver currency.
+
+The Queen of the Pictures is still Professor HERKOMER'S Lady in black
+with the long gloves. She lingers in our memory, and will do so for many
+a long day. May we never see her _in propriâ personâ_, or disappointment
+might be our dole. The Lady in the picture cannot age. Even amidst all
+the living breathing beauty collected within those walls on Thursday
+last, the Lady on the wall, if we may so put it, "took the
+cake,"--though she didn't take it all, as there was plenty left for Miss
+MARY ANDERSON, Miss DOROTHY DENE, and some other charming ladies. One
+more visit to the Royal Academy, and then the Show for 1887 will have
+passed away. Then, after a brief holiday, the Artists will be again at
+work, according to their individual taste and fancy, taking (lucky
+_gourmets_!) each one just what best suits his palette. _Au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIBERNIA TO THE QUEEN.
+
+(_On the occasion of the Visit of Princes Victor and George of Wales._)
+
+  YOUR MAJESTY'S Grandsons I welcomed with joy,
+    At a time when I'm horribly worried;
+  ALBERT VICTOR and GEORGE--he's a broth of a boy--
+    Their visit was brief and too hurried.
+
+  Ah, then, if your MAJESTY'S self we could see,
+    Sure we'd drop every grumble and quarrel.
+  Stay a month in the year with my children and me,
+    'Twould be a nice change from Balmoral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE Wild West Kensington Indians were not permitted to go to Henley last
+week. It was thought that the sight of so many sculls would be too much
+for them, and that they would immediately want to scalp everybody. Why
+doesn't the Honourable Colonel BUFFALO BILL CODY engage "SQUASH," and
+give him a show on a buck-jumper? Something amusing is wanted to enliven
+the Wild West Scenes in the Circle, and "SQUASH" is just the sort of
+droll required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOG AND MAGOG AT THE BALL.
+
+        The Jubilee Ball,
+        Held at Guildhall
+  Last week, on Tuesday night,
+        A great success;
+        All must confess
+  It was a glorious sight.
+
+        The Giants twain
+        Imbibed champagne.
+  Says Magog to Gog, "What fun!"
+        Says Gog, "For a crown
+        I couldn't get down
+  As we ought when the clock strikes one."
+
+        Says Magog to Gog,
+        "You jolly old dog,
+  With the same idea I'm imbued.
+        We ought to descend,
+        But we can't, my friend;
+  On our pedestals we're screwed."
+
+        To save their renown,
+        They didn't come down.
+  Be sure they acted right.
+        The jovial pair
+        Remained where they were;
+  Gog and Magog stopped up all night!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE President and Fellows having, at a recent meeting at South
+Kensington, by their Resolutions shown, spite their difficulties, a
+disposition to ride the high horse, their body will henceforth be known
+as the Royal Haughty-cultural Society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT THE AMERICAN EXHIBITION.
+
+I'VE paid my second wisit to this most emusing place, and have to report
+a grate improvement in its inside, witch is gradawally a filling up like
+an hungry Alderman at a nice rich fust class dinner.
+
+But this time I paid speshal attention to the outside emusements, and
+them as carnt find no fun and xcitement in them, had better go off at
+wunce to the Amerrycan Bar for a "Coaxer," and that, as I found, will
+soon pick him up. I never saw such a site as BUFFERLOW BILL'S Wild West
+in South Kensington, the werry recklekshun of it sets me off so that I
+must pull myself together with one of BERTRAM'S "Brighton Steadiers," or
+I shall get too exsited to write strait.
+
+[Illustration: Robert Tobogganing.]
+
+Well, I spose it was because they was jest a little late that the whole
+blooming lot of 'em, Amerrycans and Cow Boys, and Mexicans and Injians
+with their Squalls and Porposes, and Gals a riding like gals generally
+rides, and Gals a riding like men, all cum a galloping in at such a
+whirling pace that it litorally took away all my pore breth, and they
+screamed as they galloped, and their crimson and blue and scarlet and
+yeller clokes all shone in the sunlight and fluttered in the breeze, and
+when they came jest in front of me, where I was setting with dignerty in
+a reserwed seat at the small charge of 1s., they pulled up bang, as if
+they was all shot, and all sat as still as mice.
+
+Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they
+was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by
+BUFFERLOW BILL and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty
+of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the
+jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away
+after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to
+deceeve the enemy.
+
+[Illustration: A Little Indian Rubber.]
+
+Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many
+Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? We wound up with a Bufferlow hunt,
+but as the animals was jest as uncurry-combed and as dirty as afore, I
+gammoned Mrs. ROBERT, who was with me, that it was ardly a site for a
+reel dellycat lady to witness, so we went off to see the Toboggening,
+and grate fun it was to look at. But, to my extreme estonishment nothink
+wood do but Mrs. ROBERT must try it, and, in spite of all my
+remonstrances, I presently found myself a seated with my bitter arf on
+the top of an high hill, about to be launched hedlong on our wild career
+with ony a piece of rope to guide us and nothink to stop us. Oh, that
+dedly moment of hezitashun! and then the rush through the hair with
+sitch litening speed as made Mrs. ROBERT give jest a little squeal. How
+any sane person having wunce tried this new game, which recalled to fond
+memory the sensashun of my fust swing, can wish to repeat the dose, I
+carnt understand. He suttenly ought to have the stummuck of a
+Horsestrich rather than of a Halderman. The fond partner of my fate
+having a little hedake after her rash xperryment, which she insisted
+upon declaring was owing to the rifle-shooting, I adwised her to leave
+the noisy scene and seek the cumfort of her quiet home, promising to
+jine her hurly, so she went. I was afterwards asked to try the
+Switch-back Railway, but learning from a prewious wictim as how the
+sensation reminded him of the fust time as he crossed the Channel, I
+declined with thanks.
+
+Hoping to meet with the Kernel who had promised to introduce me to the
+Hon. Mr. WILLIAM BUFFERLOW, Esquire, wulgerly called BUFFERLOW BILL, I
+sauntered round to the Injians encampment, but was there told he had
+gone to dine with some other Savages at the Savage Club, so I coudn't
+see him. Howsumever I fell into conwersation with one of the tip-top
+managers, and he introduced me to sum of the principal Braves, as they
+calls 'em, and their Squaws, and porposes. They was worry affable and
+perlite, as I'm told as all reel savages is, but I carnt say much for
+their hartistick taste. There was one savage lady with a savage dorter
+and a pickaninny about rising four, as grately surprised me. The yung
+lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but
+she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners
+is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was
+painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all
+his air a brite green. But such is my natral perliteness, that when his
+fond Ma held him up to me and said, "Lookee, lookee, ain't him Booty?" I
+said, "Oh! yessee, yessee!" I didn't dare to kiss it, for fear its face
+wood have stuck to mine, witch woudn't ha bin nice.
+
+I spent a werry plessent evening with the principle performers such as
+RED SHIRT, and CUT MEAT, and sum others, and whenever the conwersashun
+flagged I surgested a adjurnment to the Amerrycan Bar, and we allus
+tried a new drink, and this I will say for my forren frends that they
+took them all with the same coolness as if they had been the native
+drinks of the Far West End. The larst one we tried was called "A Yard of
+flannel," and for warmth and cumfort it was well-named, but somehows I
+fancy it must ha bin rayther a staggerer, for I remember werry little of
+what took place afterwards. But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at
+cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on
+sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money,
+and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, ROBERT, you've lost your Injian
+Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. How I got home I don't werry well
+remember, but I do remember, and shall probberbly never forget, the
+werry warm recepshun I met when at length I arrived there, or the nex
+morning's hed hake. I don't think I shall try "a yard of flannel," again
+in an hurry.
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Children's Nautical Festival.
+
+ON the occasion of the Great Naval Review, Lord CHARLES BERESFORD,
+remembering Mr. EDWARD LAWSON'S Hyde Park success, intends to stand
+treat to all the Buoys round the Coast. The Best Buoy will receive a
+present from Her Gracious MAJESTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM
+
+THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 27._--Back again to the Coercion Bill.
+Report Stage reached, and strong whips out on both sides in anticipation
+of Division. Both Front Benches crowded like the rest. GLADSTONE in his
+place, as eager to make speech as if it were his first on the subject.
+HARTINGTON there too, and CHAMBERLAIN, making, with HENEAGE, a brave
+show on end of Front Bench. GLADSTONE spoke early. A full House, but
+everyone bored to death. Later, House thinned to degree that invited a
+count; but at sound of bell Members held in hand for Division, swooped
+down, got themselves counted, saved the sitting, and straightway fled
+again.
+
+GEORGE CAMPBELL concerned in interests of Protestant Church. A Papal
+Envoy been received by QUEEN to present Jubilee congratulations. Was
+that an exceptional privilege for an Ecclesiastic? Would the Brahmin
+Head of Benares be allowed to approach HER MAJESTY in similar way? No
+answer. Would the Grand Imaum of Mecca?
+
+The Under-Secretary of State shivered in his shoes, but still no
+response.
+
+Then Sir GEORGE, uplifting his voice to its most melodious heights,
+produced his poser:--"Would the Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland
+enjoy such a privilege?"
+
+Old Morality and his colleagues on the Treasury Bench began to grow
+uneasy. No saying where CAMPBELL'S list might end. FERGUSSON whispered
+to and nudged till, propped on his feet, he feebly urged that Moderator
+of Free Church of Scotland does not come under the category of a Foreign
+Potentate. A poor quibble this. But CAMPBELL generously disinclined to
+push his advantage, and Government escaped immediate defeat.
+
+Growing excitement as Division on JOHN MORLEY'S Amendment restricting
+duration of Act to three years approached. RITCHIE has invented new way
+of taking Division. Members as anxious to try it as nursery of children
+to handle new toy. At first some little difficulty in understanding it.
+Members crowded round RITCHIE and asked how it was done.
+
+"Nothing easier or clearer," he said. "There are six doors, which we
+will call A, B, C, D, E, and F. As soon as division bell rings, F is
+closed. B is left half open. Members voting 'Aye' pass through the A
+door and meet the 'Noes' coming through D. A and C are then
+simultaneously shut. If B is open, the 'Ayes' and the 'Noes,' having
+seen E closed, form in one stream, pass through, and there you are.
+Don't you see?"
+
+[Illustration: Young 'Olden.]
+
+Everybody saw quite clearly. Quite a pleasure to see ISAAC HOLDEN
+(_etat._ eighty, but full of youthful vigour) starting off to try the
+new experiment. Got through all right. But, half an hour later, GILBERT
+GREENALL found in recesses of ventilating cellars, where, he said, he
+was "looking for door E."
+
+_Business done._--Report on Coercion Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON made admirable suggestion to-night. Proposes
+that, when titles or honours are conferred upon anyone, a statement
+should accompany announcement, setting forth the public services on
+account of which the honour has been conferred. It is so done in respect
+of Victoria Cross. List of Honours conferred in connection with Jubilee
+show the necessity of extending custom.
+
+"Who's he?" said Sir BORTHWICK, Bart., looking down the _Gazette_ when
+it came out. "Never heard of him, nor him either. I seem to be really
+the only distinguished person in the lot."
+
+List notable not only for what it includes but for what it omits. House
+of Commons united in expectation of one recognition, looked for in vain.
+If "Barnets" were to be made in Jubilee time, why was JOSEPH GILLIS
+overlooked? This thought in everyone's mind, as JOEY B. turned up
+to-night telling in a division against the Government. His public
+appearance now so rare that its recurrence was an event. Since he came
+into possession of Castle Butlerstown the alteration, long-working, made
+sudden and complete advance. His moustache, now past the indefinite
+stage, is an unquestionable reality, and to see JOEY B. twirling it _à
+la_ RANDOLPH, is a delight to the quiet mind. JOSEPH feels his new
+responsibilities. When reproached by TIM HEALY with his excessive
+respectability he is not moved.
+
+[Illustration: "Who's he?"]
+
+"It's all very well for you, TIM, to be brow-beating the SPEAKER,
+interrupting Hon. Members opposite, moving the adjournment and the like.
+But it's different for a man who has a Castle, a drawbridge, a moat, and
+a moustache."
+
+Characteristic infelicity on the part of the Government to have
+neglected this opportunity of recognising a reformed character. JOEY B.
+is now a credit to the House. It would have been to the credit of the
+Government had his friends been able to hail him as Sir JOSEPH GILLIS
+BIGGAR, Bart., of Butlerstown Castle.
+
+_Business done._--Coercion Bill again.
+
+_Thursday._--"He! he!" said Old Morality, his white teeth shedding pale
+light over Treasury Bench. "Capital joke! Hope they'll often repeat it."
+
+Capital it was, and so unexpected, too. Secret admirably kept, and
+sprung upon amazed House with marvellous effect. After questions, O. M.
+moved Resolutions providing for discussion on Report Stage of Coercion
+Bill being peremptorily closed at Seven o'Clock on Monday night.
+
+"The Early Closing Association," said Sir WILFRID LAWSON, looking across
+at Noble Lords and Right Hon. Gentlemen arrayed on Treasury Bench in
+support of this Motion.
+
+Parnellites of course hostile to Motion. But more particularly enraged
+because O. M. in moving it had not spoken single sentence.
+
+"Come, come," said JOHN DILLON, "this is too bad. If we are to lose our
+liberties, let us, at least, have a speech in support of the
+proposition."
+
+But O. M. obdurately silent, and debate kept up for three hours from
+Opposition side. Then Division taken, and Motion carried by majority of
+a round hundred. After this, Ministers looked forward to another
+wearisome evening, with Friday to follow, and more talk through Monday
+up to fatal Seven o'Clock. Here's where the joke came in. The
+Opposition, returning from Division Lobby after voting on Closure
+Proposition, continued their march through the House and cleared out by
+the door. Ministers watched process with amazement, growing into
+apprehension, and finally broadening into a grin of delight as the joke
+flashed upon them. Having given Government the trouble of preparing,
+moving and carrying Resolution, fixing closure of debate on Monday
+evening, Irish Members not going to debate at all! The Government might
+take their Report Stage; which they did, and before you could say "W. H.
+SMITH," the Report Stage of the Coercion Bill was agreed to, and House,
+scarcely recovered from surprise, was engaged upon miscellaneous
+business of the Orders of the day.
+
+_Friday, Midnight._--Since dinner-time there has been exhilarating scene
+in Palace Yard. Nearly every 'bus that has passed has dropped a Duchess
+at the gate. Four-wheelers, conveying Countesses, have regularly filed
+in; whilst, what Sir ROBERT PEEL would call "Noble Baronesses," have
+arrived on foot. As distinguished Novelist somewhere writes, "Lo! a
+strange thing has happened." On ordinary days House of Lords, which
+commences public business at 5.30, adjourns about 5.37. At this hour of
+midnight House still sitting, and no sign of Adjournment. Irish Land
+Bill under debate. Subject irresistible to Noble Lords. Have foregone
+their late afternoon drive in the Park. More than one has patriotically
+dined on a chop.
+
+A flush of honest pride mantles many a noble countenance. All very well
+for the Commons to boast of their long sittings; but see what the Peers
+can do when duty calls! At first a little consternation at the arrivals
+from without. But even that turns out well. There were stories of
+anxious wives communicating with House of Commons during All-night
+Sittings, and finding errant husbands not there. But here are Noble
+Lords unflinchingly serving their country, remaining at their post,
+whate'er betide.
+
+A beautiful and a soothing sight, which affects to tears some of the
+Commons, who sit in the Gallery, and look down upon it.
+
+_Business done._--Lords pass Report Stage of Irish Land Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOME, SWEET HOME!"
+
+(_New Version, by a Much-Worn-out M.P._)
+
+  "The welcome cry, 'Who goes home' sounds like a melancholy dirge
+  through the rapidly-emptying lobbies."--Mr. OSBORNE MORGAN, M.P.,
+  _in the_ "_Nineteenth Century_."
+
+  MIDST clauses and paragraphs though we may roam.
+  Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+  A charm undefined seems to hallow it there,
+  After TANNER'S loud shindy and CONYBEARE'S blare.
+    Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"
+    Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+
+  An exile from office, I will not complain,
+  Give me only my calm "beauty sleep" once again;
+  The birds singing sweetly at dawn be my lot
+  To hear, not loud torrents of partisan rot.
+    Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"
+    Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET AT LORD'S.
+
+_Hits by Dumb Crambo, Jun._
+
+[Illustration: A Patient Innings.]
+
+[Illustration: A Cut in front of Point.]
+
+[Illustration: Over!]
+
+[Illustration: Last Man. His usual form.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, July 9, 1887., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 ***
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+  .poem p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .poem1
+  {margin-left:30%; margin-right:10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left;}
+  .poem1 .stanza        {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;}
+  .poem1 p              {margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;}
+  .poem1 p.i2           {margin-left: 1em;}
+  .poem1 p.i4           {margin-left: 2em;}
+  .poem1 p.i6           {margin-left: 3em;}
+  .poem1 p.i8           {margin-left: 4em;}
+  .poem1 p.i10          {margin-left: 5em;}
+
+  .figure, .figcenter, .figright, .figleft
+                       {padding: 1em; margin: 0; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em;}
+  .figure img, .figcenter img, .figright img, .figleft img
+                       {border: none;}
+  .figure p, .figcenter p, .figright p, .figleft p
+                       {margin: 0; text-indent: 1em;}
+  .figcenter           {margin: auto;}
+  .figright            {float: right; width: auto;}
+  .figleft             {float: left; width: auto;}
+
+   .img                {margin: 0; padding-right: 0;}
+   .div                {margin: 0; padding: 0;}
+
+   p.author            {text-align: right;}
+
+  .regards             {text-align: right;
+                        margin-right: 4em;}
+
+    hr.pg      { width: 100%;
+                 margin-top: 0em;
+                 margin-bottom: 0em;
+                 border: solid black;
+                 height: 5px; }
+
+    pre      {font-size: 75%; }
+  </style>
+</head>
+<body>
+
+
+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93,
+July 9, 1887., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, July 9, 1887.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 31, 2010 [EBook #32629]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />
+
+OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOLUME 93.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>July 9, 1887.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/001.png">
+<img src="images/001.png" width="100%" alt="Vol. 93" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<h2>OPERATIC CONFUSION.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">I went</span> on Saturday to hear the three operatic novelties so liberally
+provided for us on the same night by Messrs. <span class="smcap">Mapleson</span>, <span class="smcap">Lago</span> and <span class="smcap">Harris</span>.
+I do not mix my liquors, and I endeavour, as a rule, to keep to the same
+lyrical drama throughout the evening; nor is it my fault if a good dose
+of strong <span class="smcap">Beethoven</span>, sweetened with <span class="smcap">Gounod</span> and flavoured with <span class="smcap">Meyerbeer</span>
+had, on the occasion in question, a somewhat confusing effect on my
+brain. At Her Majesty's, <span class="smcap">Lilli Lehmann</span> was all right as <i>Leonora</i>: not
+<i>Leonora</i> of <i>La Favorita</i>, but <i>Leonora</i> the favourite wife of
+<i>Manrico</i>&mdash;no, not of <i>Manrico</i>, but of another personage who, like the
+unfortunate <i>Trovatore</i>, has to be rescued by his loving spouse from the
+tyranny of a powerful baritone; whether <span class="smcap">Verdi's</span> <i>Count di Luna</i> or
+<span class="smcap">Sheridan's</span> <i>Pizarro</i>, I cannot just now call to mind. Mlle. <span class="smcap">Lehmann</span> is
+not only a fine singer, but also a serious dramatic artist; and the
+public was deeply impressed by her performance. She is a <span class="smcap">Lehmann</span> with
+all the earnestness of a good clergyman; not that she had taken orders
+as I (Box No. 70) had done.</p>
+
+<p>From Her Majesty's Theatre, I drove in a rapid Hansom to Drury Lane. I
+had told the cabman to take me to the Royal Italian Opera, and I was
+about to remonstrate with him for conveying me to the wrong house, when
+he promptly explained that there were now two Royal Italian Operas, one
+at Covent Garden, the other at Drury Lane. New source of confusion!
+"Confusion worse confounded!" as <span class="smcap">Milton</span> observes.</p>
+
+<p>"How far have they got?" I inquired as I entered the theatre.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Valentine's</i> death scene," replied my friend.</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Valentine</i> does not die, my dear fellow; <i>Valentine</i> only faints," I
+answered, I was thinking of course, of the new dramatic soprano, Mlle.
+<span class="smcap">Sandra</span>, in <i>Les Huguenots</i>.</p>
+
+<p>"You are evidently not an Opera-goer," I continued, "or you would know
+that no one dies in this work, except, of course, in the last Act. But
+that is always left out."</p>
+
+<p>"Wrong again!" exclaimed <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, with an amused look. "<span class="smcap">Augustus Harris</span>
+restores the last Act. See his prospectus."</p>
+
+<p>"Well, never mind that. Is <i>Ella Russell</i> singing the part of <i>Queen
+Margaret</i> as well as ever?"</p>
+
+<p>"I did not know that <i>Margaret</i> was a Queen. I always thought she was of
+humble origin. The part in any case is being played by Mlle. <span class="smcap">Nordica</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Determined to be no longer the victim of mystification, I wished <span class="smcap">Jones</span>
+good-bye, and hurrying in, found the curtain down. Afraid now to ask
+what was being played, I waited patiently for the next Act, and when at
+last the curtain went up, I found to my astonishment that some
+representation entirely new to me was taking place. Will-o'-the-Wisps on
+a dark back-ground. That was all I saw. I asked myself whether I had
+gone mad, or whether the Drury Lane Pantomime was being played a little
+earlier than usual. Then the dark scene gave place to a scene of great
+brilliancy. There was a throne at the back of the stage, and again my
+thoughts reverted to the <i>Huguenots</i>, and I fancied I could recognise
+<i>Queen Margaret</i>. But her features were not the features of <span class="smcap">Ella
+Russell</span>. Besides, <span class="smcap">Ella Russell</span> does not dance, not at least on the
+Operatic stage; and this lady did.</p>
+
+<p>"This is <span class="smcap">Helen</span>," said a gentleman in a stall on my right to a lady by
+his side. Here was at least a clue; and when at the same moment the
+baritone <span class="smcap">De Reszke</span> stepped out of a group attired in the garb of
+<i>Mephistopheles</i>, I said to myself that the performance had been
+changed, and this was the last Act of <span class="smcap">Bo&iuml;to's</span> <i>Mefistofele</i>, with new
+details, or at least details that I had not noticed when the work was
+performed at Her Majesty's Theatre and at Covent Garden. Now dancing
+began in earnest, and I wondered much at the never-failing ingenuity of
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Augustus Harris</span>, who with a score of first-rate singers in his
+Company, had nevertheless found himself compelled (probably at five
+minutes' notice,) to change an Opera into a <i>ballet</i>. It reminded me of
+a certain operatic Manager, who, being suddenly deprived of the services
+of most of his vocalists, announced in his programme, that in
+consequence of the departure of his principal singers, the music of <i>Don
+Giovanni</i>, would be "replaced, for that night only, by lively and
+expressive pantomime."</p>
+
+<p>When, however, <i>Mephistopheles</i> <span class="smcap">De Reszke</span> and <i>Faust</i> <span class="smcap">De Reszke</span> both
+began to sing, I saw that my supposition was untenable.</p>
+
+<p>"What you have seen," said <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, who meanwhile had come in, and who now
+occupied a seat on my left, "is not <i>Mefistofele</i> at all. It is <span class="smcap">Gounod's</span>
+additional Ballet Scene for <i>Faust</i>. 'Dramatic <i>Divertissement</i>' it
+ought to be called. Beautiful grouping, picturesque costumes,
+magnificent scenery, delightful dance music! But you ought not to have
+missed the new <i>Valentine</i>. That was a great mistake." I looked at my
+watch. "Time enough for the new <i>Valentine</i> even now," I reflected; and
+I went over as fast as I could to Covent Garden.</p>
+
+<p>Here there was a new <i>Valentine</i> surely enough. A Russian lady, I was
+told. Not a bit like the Russian ladies one has seen in <i>Fedora</i>, the
+<i>Pink Pearl</i>, the <i>Red Lamp</i>, and other dramatic misrepresentations of
+Russian life. But Mlle. <span class="smcap">Sandra</span>, or Mlle. <span class="smcap">Panaeff</span>, or whatever her name
+may be, was not playing the part of a female Nihilist. She was
+impersonating a well-bred, Catholic young lady of the Sixteenth Century.
+<span class="smcap">Jones</span> subsequently informed me that it was not Mlle. <span class="smcap">Sandra's</span>
+<i>Valentine</i> that I ought to have seen, but <span class="smcap">Victor Maurel's</span>, at the other
+house.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Note at the Guildhall.</span>&mdash;Now we know what the City Marshal has to do. We
+saw him in his warlike costume, bareheaded, marshalling the carriages of
+the Great Personages on their departure, and capitally he did it. Not a
+single name was pronounced incorrectly. Everybody came up to time, and
+got away comfortably. On these occasions, the City Marshal is a sort of
+Glorified Linkman.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/002.png">
+<img src="images/002.png" width="100%" alt="THE LATEST FROM LORD&#39;S" /></a>
+<h4>THE LATEST FROM LORD'S.</h4>
+<p><i>Land Bill.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, anyhow, you carried your Bat.</span>" <i>Crimes Bill.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes;
+but you'll find the Bowling awfully hot.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>The Cricket Field. The Bell has rung for the Second Innings.</i>
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Land Bill</span> <i>is just going to the wickets, and pauses to exchange a
+word or two with</i> Mr. <span class="smcap">Crimes Bill</span>, <i>who has had so long an innings in
+the earlier part of the match</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>Crimes Bill (taking it easy on his bat).</i> Hello, L. B. my lad, you're going in?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B. (buttoning his gloves nervously).</i> Ye&mdash;e&mdash;s. Captain's orders!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Well, I hope you'll win.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.</i> I'll do my best; can Cricketer do more?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i> No. But, by Jove! you'll find it hard to score.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.</i> What? Bowling killing?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Beastly! Talk of "shying"?</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<span class="smcap">Crossland's</span> a lamb to <span class="smcap">Healy</span>.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Ah! that's trying.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But then they haven't got a <span class="smcap">Shaw</span>, Sir, surely?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i> No; but, by Jingo! they have more&mdash;a <span class="smcap">Morley</span>!</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Straight on the middle stump. And then old <span class="smcap">Glad</span></p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Breaks awful, right and left, and shoots like mad.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;I say they ought to be disqualified</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;For unfair bowling.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Humph! that game's been tried;</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But Umpire doesn't always seem to see it.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i> Ah! Umpires are such funkers.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Well, so be it.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Must do my best. What sort of wickets?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Crumbling.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Must meet the ball with a straight bat; no fumbling,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Or out you go!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> And how's the fielding?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> Dicky!</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;'Tis there you'll have the pull that wickets sticky</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Or cut up, through the influence of weather,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Can't neutralise. <i>They're never all together.</i></p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Some run like hares, some throw in like a Krupp;</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But what they fail in is in "backing up."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.</i> Thanks be! I see my chance then. If they're loose</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In fielding I can slog 'em to the doose.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.</i> But don't take liberties, my lad. No jumps</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;In for a drive; they're always on the stumps.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And then their wicket-keeper's like a cat.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.</i> Well, anyhow <i>you</i> carried out your bat,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Despite the lot of them. Can "<i>crack</i>" do more?</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B. (significantly).</i> Yes!&mdash;I kept up my stumps, but <i>could not score</i>!</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A "Not out, nothing" may be meritorious,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And very useful, but 'tis hardly glorious,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A stolid <span class="smcap">Scotton's</span> worth his salt, at need;</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But, after all, he's not a <span class="smcap">Grace</span> or <span class="smcap">Read</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>You</i>'ll have to hit, as well as guard your wicket,</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;If you'd be popular. Blocking is not Cricket!</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>L. B.</i> Humph! no, not quite. My orders are to score</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;And bring the House down.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><i>C. B.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</i> That will cause a roar</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;When you take back your bat to the Pavilion.</p>
+<p class="i0">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;A Cricketer must smite to please the Million.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Routledge's</span> <i>Jubilee Guide to London</i>, is good, not only for such a
+"high old time" as the Jubilee Week, but for the next three years or so
+until the streets are re-named and a few new thoroughfares opened up.
+The illustrations are excellent. There is only one objection to this
+Guide as a companion, and that is it is rather too large. No Guide to be
+useful should be bigger than the Handy-Volume Shakspeare size,
+originally started at 85, Fleet Street. Some of the French Guides, not
+the regiment, but the little books, <span class="smcap">Joanne's</span> Series, are models in this
+respect.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Philips'</span> <i>Handy Volume Atlas</i> is about the right size. "The World," it
+is often said, "is a small place;" but for all that, it does not go so
+easily in a tail-coat pocket, where Mr. <span class="smcap">Philips'</span> <i>Atlas</i> can be
+conveniently carried. It is an invaluable companion for everyday
+newspaper reading. <i>Happy Thought</i> for Travellers, to whom this little
+volume is recommended, "<span class="smcap">Philips</span> on his way through the World."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 50%">
+<a href="images/003.png">
+<img src="images/003.png" width="100%" alt="WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH" /></a>
+<h4>WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.</h4>
+<p><i>Our Artist (showing his last and most important Picture, the work of
+years).</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, I should like to <i>exhibit</i> it; but I don't want to <i>sell</i>
+it, you know&mdash;at least not till times are better.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Friend.</i> "<span class="smcap">Well, why not send it to the Exhibition, and put a
+prohibitive Price upon it&mdash;say Twenty Pounds?!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>Meteorological forecast for the Month.</i>)</center>
+
+<p><i>6th.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather continues. Raspberry crop fails. Strawberries
+sold by auction in Covent Garden Market, and fetch two guineas each.</p>
+
+<p><i>13th.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather still continues. All the grass in Hyde Park
+turns brown, and suddenly disappears. Vegetables generally sell at
+famine prices. Riot of Dukes attempting to secure a bundle of late
+asparagus from a fashionable West End greengrocer's, suppressed by the
+police.</p>
+
+<p><i>17th.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather as settled as ever. Great drought commences.
+London Water Companies cut off their supply. Five o'clock tea in
+Belgravia made from boiled soda-water. Apollinaris supplied in buckets,
+for washing purposes, at the rate of twenty guineas the dozen pint
+bottles.</p>
+
+<p><i>21st.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather showing no signs of departure, fifteen
+umbrella-manufacturers go through the Bankruptcy Court, and commit
+suicide. Dust in London becomes intolerable. A Nobleman in Mayfair has
+Piccadilly watered with BASS'S India Pale Ale.</p>
+
+<p><i>27th.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather established. The Thames runs dry between
+Vauxhall and Westminster. The <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> gives a garden-party in the bed of
+the river. <i>Caf&eacute; noir</i>, made of ink, served as a refreshment.</p>
+
+<p><i>31st.</i>&mdash;Queen's Weather still continuing, seventeen ginger-beer
+manufacturers who have become <i>millionnaires</i> are raised to the
+Peerage. The <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor</span> goes off his head, and, imagining that he is the
+Old Pump at Aldgate, is removed, by general consent, to Colney Hatch.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>FLOREAT MASCHERA!</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Great</span> deal of curiosity has been expressed about the Gray's Inn <i>Maske
+of Flowers</i>, which has puzzled a number of people. The better informed
+have replied, when asked, "What <i>was</i> it?" "Oh, don't you know what a
+Maske is? Why <i>Comus</i> was a Maske, don't you know?" To save time and
+temper, <i>Mr. Punch</i> begs to inform all inquirers that:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>1. "Gray's Inn" is the Inn where the poet <span class="smcap">Gray</span> always stopped when he
+came to town. It has always been associated with Poets.</p>
+
+<p>2. This <i>Maske of Flowers</i> is not Mr. <span class="smcap">Cyril Flower</span>, M.P.'s.</p>
+
+<p>3. It is highly improbable that the Benchers of the Four Inns of Court
+will appear in Fancy Costume at four o'clock in the morning, and
+serenade the occupants of the Western Face of Gray's Inn Square from the
+Gardens.</p>
+
+<p>4. The Maske is not so called from everybody in Gray's Inn appearing in
+"big heads."</p>
+
+<p>5. The <span class="smcap">Lord Chancellor</span> is not introduced as Harlequin, and does not
+dance a <i>pas seul</i> with "Mr. <span class="smcap">Solicitor</span>," founded upon some of the more
+intricate steps of the <i>pavan</i>, or peacock's strut.</p>
+
+<p>6. That it is not the duty of the Master of the Revels to teach the
+Masters of the Bench how to execute with spirit a Morisco.</p>
+
+<p>Having said what the Maske will <i>not</i> be, <i>Mr. Punch</i> goes a step
+further&mdash;and stops, thinking it will be better to reserve particulars
+until after the Performance.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Every</span> Etonian ought to go to the Gaiety and hear Mr. <span class="smcap">Merrivale's</span> new
+piece, of which Mrs. <span class="smcap">Brown-Potter</span> is the heroine. Why ought every
+Etonian to do this? We forgot to mention that the name of the play is
+<i>Civil Warre</i>. (If it isn't so spelt, it ought to be.)<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>ROYALTY AT THE PALACE.</h2>
+
+<div class="drop">
+<img src="images/004.png" alt="A" width="30%" class="cap" />
+
+<p class="cap_1"><span class="smcap">A Hard-Working</span> three weeks has H.R.H. had of it. Morning, noon, and
+night, here, there, and everywhere. <i>Mr. Punch</i> was glad to see that
+H.R.H. took his advice, given last week, and immediately visited the
+Crystal Palace. The Fireworks were first-rate. The Prospect was
+brilliant. Good omen for the C.P. If the B.P. could only get to the C.P.
+in twenty minutes from Victoria, by Palace trains every twenty-five
+minutes after a certain time in the afternoon, the future chances of
+prosperity for the Palace would be considerably increased. By the way,
+we thought we noticed some people, who had nothing to do with the
+fireworks, speaking to the Lighters&mdash;the de-lighters&mdash;while in the
+execution of their duty. If so, this ought to be stopped, and a notice
+put up,&mdash;"You are requested not to speak to the Man at the (Catherine)
+Wheel."</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>Cockney notion of A-making.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>JILLS IN OFFICE.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young
+Ladies (let them be distinguished as</i> Miss <span class="smcap">Cross</span> and Miss <span class="smcap">Orty</span>)
+<i>discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is
+composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of</i> Miss C.
+and Miss O. <i>though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers,
+having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to
+three</i> <span class="smcap">Mild Men</span>, <i>who advance to screen with a meekness designed to
+propitiate. Instant transformation in both</i> Miss C. and Miss O., <i>who
+gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not
+fond of animals</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Mild Man (with apologetic cough).</i> Oh, good-day! [<i>Slight pause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote).</i>
+Yes, I said it to him just like that&mdash;it made me so wild!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Orty.</i> I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me.</p>
+
+<p><i>First M. M.</i> Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please?</p>
+
+<p>[Miss Orty, <i>without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps,
+and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Mild Man.</i> Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to
+inquire&mdash;&mdash; (Miss C. and Miss O. <i>regard him stonily, which has effect
+of disconcerting him to some extent</i>). I&mdash;I ... there were some books I
+sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may
+remember it?&mdash;they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. <i>and</i> Miss O.
+<i>wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull
+story</i>.) Some of my friends, er&mdash;I have been given to understand, that
+two of the parcels have&mdash;well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you
+kindly&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows).</i> Know anything about the
+books?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty
+selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M.</i> Fill up
+that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid <i>here</i>?
+You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps&mdash;er&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> Quite so&mdash;but if you could only tell me&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> Can't do any more than I have done. (<i>To First M. M.</i>) I gave
+you your stamps some time ago, didn't I?</p>
+
+<p><i>First M. M.</i> Oh, yes&mdash;yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But&mdash;but (<i>with
+manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject</i>) there was
+my change&mdash;I&mdash;I gave you half a sovereign.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O. (with cold suspicion).</i> Don't remember it. You should have
+spoke about it at the time&mdash;but of course, if you say you haven't had
+it&mdash;I suppose&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to
+expect.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> One moment&mdash;am I to leave this form with you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C.</i> No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular
+way&mdash;they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you
+take the trouble to look.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> Thank you <i>very</i> much. Good morning.</p>
+
+<p>[Miss C. <i>and</i> Miss O. <i>naturally take no notice of this piece of
+familiarity, and</i> Second M. M. <i>departs crushed, and gradually realises
+that he is slightly annoyed</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third M. M. (presenting a telegram).</i> Will you send this off at once,
+please?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather
+as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer).</i>
+"Post mortem's" <i>two</i> words.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third M. M.</i> I have no objection&mdash;but it's rather important. I want it
+delivered, and <i>soon</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then.</p>
+
+<p><i>Third M. M.</i> But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo."</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O. (who seems to consider</i> "Rumbo" <i>somewhat too frivolous</i>).
+Well, if you like to leave it so, I can <i>send</i> it&mdash;it's at your risk.
+(<i>She leaves the form on the counter.</i>) Eightpence-halfpenny.</p>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> Footman, <i>with parcel</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Footman.</i> How much to pay on this, Miss, please?</p>
+
+<p>[Miss Cross <i>takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite
+contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to</i>
+Footman, <i>with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively</i>.
+Footman, <i>after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in
+a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated
+to ask for further instructions</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote).</i> I <i>should</i> laugh if he
+came again next Sunday, just the same&mdash;shouldn't you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C.</i> Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way.
+(<i>Perceives</i> First M. M. <i>evidently awaiting her leisure</i>.) Was there
+anything else you were waiting for?</p>
+
+<p><i>First M. M.</i> Er&mdash;yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for
+six-and-sixpence?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C. (with decision).</i> No, I can't!</p>
+
+<p><i>First M. M. (surprised).</i> But surely&mdash;&mdash;!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C.</i> Give you two&mdash;one for five shillings, and one for
+eighteen-pence, if <i>that</i> will do?</p>
+
+<p><i>First M. M.</i> Of course, that's what I meant!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss Cross.</i> It's not what you <i>said</i>&mdash;you said <i>a</i> order. (<i>Makes out
+the orders with much disdain.</i>) Three-halfpence to pay.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M. (returning).</i> Oh, I quite forgot&mdash;will you kindly cash
+this order for me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> Not till you've signed it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed!
+Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment?</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O.</i> There's a desk over there for all that.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second M. M.</i> I&mdash;I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would
+save time&mdash;the desk is occupied at present I observe.</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through
+the wire net-work.)</i> Give it back when you've finished with it.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Enter</i> Imperious Customer, <i>and approaches screen with lordly air</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Imperious Customer (blusterously).</i> Here you&mdash;one of you, let me have a
+penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny
+wrappers, will you? and look sharp!</p>
+
+<p><i>Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.)</i> Certainly, Sir.
+(<i>They vie with one another in activity.</i>) Postcards in that drawer ...
+I'll get the wrappers&mdash;ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good
+morning, Sir.</p>
+
+<p>[<i>Exit</i> Imperious Stranger <i>snatching up his purchases and ignoring
+parting smiles from behind the screen</i>. Mild Men <i>store up the lesson
+for use on future occasions. Scene closes in</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>How's That?</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"<span class="smcap">The</span> A B C of Cricket you must get,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Says a great Critic, "if you would succeed."</p>
+<p class="i0"><i>Punch</i> then presumes 'tis by that Alphabet</p>
+<p class="i2">A Cricketer may learn to <span class="smcap">(Walter) Read</span>!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Coins of the Realm.</span>&mdash;<span class="smcap">'Arry</span> remarks that the Tories are led by a "Bob"
+(<span class="smcap">Cecil</span>), the Parnellites can boast the possession of a "<span class="smcap">Tanner</span>," whilst
+the Liberal Unionists make the most of their "<span class="smcap">Joey</span>."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On the Jar.</span>&mdash;The French have a proverb, "<i>il faut qu'une porte soit
+ouverte ou ferm&eacute;e</i>." This evidently does not apply to the Sublime Porte,
+which seems generally "neither one thing nor t' other."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">It</span> was settled at the last meet of the Coaching Club that Mr. <span class="smcap">Eaton</span>,
+M.P., the new Peer, is to be crowned not with laurels, but with his own
+bays.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE BARD AT HENLEY.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>A Reminiscence.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/005a.png">
+<img src="images/005a.png" width="100%" alt="Retirement after the Jubilee Fortnight" /></a><br /><br />
+<center>Retirement after the Jubilee Fortnight.<br />"Far from the Madding Crowd."</center>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Oh</span>, Friday was lovely! The Bard who now sings</p>
+<p class="i0">Saw Princes, Princesses, a Duke, and two Kings,</p>
+<p class="i0">His Indian Highness, called <span class="smcap">Ras Kutch Thakore</span>,</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Nawab Gaffer Jung</span> and several more.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">They saw the best racing, then went to lunch with</p>
+<p class="i0">The Closuring Commoner, our Mr. <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</p>
+<p class="i0">'Twas Jubilee Weather! the Course was well kept!</p>
+<p class="i0">Oh, champagne! and Oh, headache! I sighed&mdash;and then slept.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I awoke, to find all my companions gone,</p>
+<p class="i0">And I, like the Rose, was left blooming alone.</p>
+<p class="i0">So I plunged in the freshening stream&mdash;down, down, down</p>
+<p class="i0">I dived, and I dived, then I came up&mdash;to town.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Case against the Police.</span>&mdash;This was Miss <span class="smcap">Case</span>, who being arrested by a
+Constable, was Miss-taken for somebody else. Gallant <span class="smcap">Josephus
+Chamberlanius</span> of the Orchid Squad has come to the rescue, and the
+"<span class="smcap">Matthews</span>-at-Home" Secretary granted an inquiry. Before this paragraph
+appears, the Public may be in possession of the truth. Justice must be
+done, or the young woman may become Case-hardened. But whatever the
+result may be, the Magistrate should study and get by heart, <i>Newton's
+Principia</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GARDEN, LANE, AND MARKET.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 30%">
+<a href="images/005b.png">
+<img src="images/005b.png" width="100%" alt="Note from &quot;Mr. G.&quot; to Madame Albani" /></a><br /><br />
+<span class="caption">Note from &quot;Mr. G.&quot; to Madame Albani</span>
+</div>
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Mr. G.</span>"&mdash;the upper G.&mdash;went to hear <i>Puritani</i> on Thursday night. Of
+course he called on Madame <span class="smcap">Albani</span>, and sang a few of the songs just to
+give "Signor G." a hint. When the First Act was over, and the Closure
+was moved by the Act-drop descending, Mr. G. went into the Lobby, and
+voted with the Government of Covent Garden. Mr. G. was seen to be
+several times in animated conversation with Mr. <span class="smcap">Hall</span>, who was decorated
+with a Covent Garden Order, and was wearing a <i>Shirtcollerado
+Gladstonensis</i> in his button-hole. It is, we believe, quite untrue that
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Hall</span> has refused to take office&mdash;box office&mdash;in the next Liberal
+Cabinet; but whether he will be made an Extra Knight or not is still
+uncertain. Mr. <span class="smcap">Gye</span> is very Earnest about it, and at present we can say
+no more except that the performance of <i>I Puritani</i> was first-rate, as
+naturally it would be, with <span class="smcap">Albani</span>, enthusiastically received, <span class="smcap">Gayarr&eacute;</span>,
+and <span class="smcap">D'andrade</span>. There were numerous <i>encores</i>, and the applause was
+bestowed with a warmth which increased the temperature considerably.</p>
+
+<p><i>At Drury Lane.</i>&mdash;A prettier and sweeter voiced <i>Zerlina</i> than Miss
+<span class="smcap">Arnoldson</span>, has not been seen or heard for some time. We must not venture
+on comparisons, but in two respects Miss <span class="smcap">Arnoldson</span> has the advantage
+over Madame <span class="smcap">Patti</span> (who was singing in <i>Traviata</i> on Friday night at the
+Colonel's Opera House) but one of these is not voice. M. <span class="smcap">Maurel</span> played
+and sang the im-Maurel <i>Don Giovanni</i> admirably, and <span class="smcap">Ciampi</span> as
+<i>Mazetto</i>, looked and acted like <span class="smcap">Lionel Brough</span>. A good performance.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 40%">
+<a href="images/005c.png">
+<img src="images/005c.png" width="100%" alt="Approbation from Mr. P. is praise indeed" /></a>
+<span class="caption">Approbation from Mr. P. is praise indeed</span>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"LONG EXPECTED COME AT LAST!"</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Imperial Institute has commenced. The first stone has been laid by
+Her Gracious <span class="smcap">Majesty</span>, and the Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span> is sanguine as to the
+result. The Institute is to be a House and Home, with gardens attached,
+for special use of our Indian and Colonial cousins visiting England, and
+it is also intended to keep perpetually before the eyes of the British
+Public specimens of Indian and Colonial industry. To so useful a scheme
+<i>Mr. Punch</i> wishes every success.</p>
+
+<center>
+Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum,<br />
+Tendimus in&mdash;Kensington.</center>
+
+<p>The subjoined list of the Procession as it ought to have been, was
+probably altered at the last moment; but there is no doubt it would have
+been effective as it stood, or rather as it moved on:&mdash;</p>
+
+<table summary="List of the Procession">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Australian Lambs.<br />The Master of the Mint.</td><td align="center">Organising Committee<br />
+with variousOrgans.</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">Mr. <span class="smcap">Boehm</span>, R.A., and Mr. <span class="smcap">Goschen</span><br />with
+ new coinage tossing heads.</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<center>Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick Leighton</span>, P.R.A., drawing himself.</center><br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Groom of the Bedchamber<br />(on towel-horse).</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">"Lord's" in Waiting<br />(Oxford and Cambridge Eleven).</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<center>The Rajah of <span class="smcap">Shampooah</span>, with Order of the Turkish Bath.</center>
+<br />
+
+<center>THE QUEEN.</center><br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Her <span class="smcap">Royal Highness</span><br />The Princess of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>.</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">H.R.H. Prince of <span class="smcap">Wales</span>, K.G.<br />("K.G.," <i>i.e.</i>, "Kensington Gained.")</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<center>Any Kings and Queens who may be left in Town.</center><br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Master of the Horse<br />on a Buck-jumper.</td><td>Ladies in Waiting<br />to be asked.</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">Mistress of the Robes<br />("dressing up.")</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Lots of Sticks in Waiting<br />(with banners of Advertisements in <i>Era</i>.)</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">A Serene Grand Transparency (personally illuminated by Mr. <span class="smcap">Brock</span>.)</td>
+<td align="center">"Mr. G," as "Umbrella in Waiting."<br /> (N.B.&mdash;This is "Collar day.")</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<center>Any number of Trumpeters blowing their own Trumpets.</center><br /><br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Little Indian Pickles, led, with taste, by<br />Sir <span class="smcap">P. Cunliffe Owen</span></td>
+<td align="center" valign="top"><span class="smcap">Geo. Augustus Sala</span>,<br />with "Echoes," and driving four Quills at once.</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">Australian Wines,headed by Sir "<span class="smcap">Will Somers</span>" <span class="smcap">Vine</span></td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<center>Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis Morris</span>, with his Ode Colonial, accompanied by<br />
+Sir <span class="smcap">Arthur Sullivan</span>, on a Grand Piano.</center>
+<br />
+
+<table summary="order of the Procession" align="center">
+<tr><td align="center" valign="top">Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry Irving</span>.<br />(Last appearance in London previous to his departure for America.)</td>
+<td align="center" valign="top">Mr. <span class="smcap">J. L. Toole</span>.<br />(Last appearance in London previous to his departure for Aix-les-Bains.)</td></tr></table>
+
+<br />
+
+<center>Right Hon. <span class="smcap">W. H. Smith</span>, with banner of "Closure."
+</center>
+
+<p>At a signal from the Archbishop the Chorus will strike up&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">The great Imperial Institoot,</p>
+<p class="i0">In Kensington has taken root,</p>
+<p class="i0">And as a tree up may it shoot!</p>
+<p class="i0">Our Institoot, Our Institoot!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="smcap">Arthur Sullivan</span> was so overcome by this inspiration, that after
+reading it, he could not compose himself. "No," he exclaimed, "I cannot
+invent music which should be a worthy setting for so precious a gem!
+Give me something more simple," and so it came about that Mr. <span class="smcap">Lewis
+Morris's</span> poem was chosen. Whether the above-quoted beautiful <i>chorale</i>
+was written by the Earl of <span class="smcap">R-ssl-n</span>, whose little Jubilee volume of poems
+has so enchanted a select circle, or by another titled and
+unprofessional poet, is a secret which wild horses should not make us
+divulge. Hooray for the Institoot!</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/006.png">
+<img src="images/006.png" width="100%" alt="GETTING ONE&#39;S MONEY&#39;S WORTH" /></a>
+<h4>GETTING ONE'S MONEY'S WORTH.</h4>
+<p><i>She.</i> "<span class="smcap">What's the good of spending all our Sunday Afternoons in walking
+round the Square, where there's never a Soul and hardly a Tree to speak
+of, and when there's the Park close by?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>He.</i> "<span class="smcap">What's the good of having to pay a Guinea a Year for the use of
+the Square, if we don't use it as often as we can, I should like to
+know?</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>THE NEW, AND BAD, "HATCH."</h2>
+
+<center><i>Mr. Punch loquitur</i>:&mdash;</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Well</span>, <span class="smcap">Partlet</span>, old hen, here's a pretty fiasco</p>
+<p class="i2">The Poultry profession seems going to pot.</p>
+<p class="i0">You might search the whole kingdom, from Greenwich to Glasgow,</p>
+<p class="i2">And never encounter an uglier lot.</p>
+<p class="i0">They're crooked, and cranky, and wry-neck'd, and lanky;</p>
+<p class="i2">I cannot discover one point that is good.</p>
+<p class="i0">What, join in your cackle of triumph? No, thankye!</p>
+<p class="i2">We can't accept <i>this</i> as a Jubilee brood.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">I did expect something a little bit better</p>
+<p class="i2">From one some crack up as the pride of the House.</p>
+<p class="i0">Of decentish broods you have been a begetter,</p>
+<p class="i2">And, though you are dowdy, I thought you had <i>nous</i>.</p>
+<p class="i0">But these scraggy scramblers, ill-fledged and ill-fashioned?</p>
+<p class="i2">By Jingo, old bird, they're a perfect disgrace.</p>
+<p class="i0">No wonder the public disgust grows impassioned;</p>
+<p class="i2">They simply degrade a respectable race.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Just think of the beauties, the silver and gold chicks,</p>
+<p class="i2">That often have left that identical coop!</p>
+<p class="i0">I'm sure there's not one of those comely, plump, bold chicks</p>
+<p class="i2">That would not despise <i>this</i> contemptible troop.</p>
+<p class="i0">They look like the work of a villanous vamper.</p>
+<p class="i2">Just take a glance at 'em, my <span class="smcap">Partlet</span>, I beg;</p>
+<p class="i0">They've too much top-hamper, they scarcely can scamper.</p>
+<p class="i2">A shabbier brood, <span class="smcap">Partlet</span>, never chipped egg.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Pray how do you think that the Fancy will class them,</p>
+<p class="i2">So scraggy, and leggy, and bandy, and bald?</p>
+<p class="i0">You'll find it most difficult, <span class="smcap">Partlet</span>, to pass them;</p>
+<p class="i2">In fact, 'tis a pity they can't be recalled.</p>
+<p class="i0">I'm really ashamed of 'em; so, Ma'am, should you be.</p>
+<p class="i2">The kindliest hen-wife would banish the batch.</p>
+<p class="i0">What? Say one word for 'em? Now, don't be a booby:</p>
+<p class="i2">You must be aware they're a precious Bad Hatch!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>RALEIGH TOO BAD.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sir Walter Raleigh's</span> old house at Brixton Rise, <i>Punch</i> hears, "is about
+to be sold by public auction", and the surrounding twelve acres of
+"nobly-timbered park", given over&mdash;of course, like so much else in that
+once leafy suburb&mdash;to the untender mercies of the Jerry Builder. Too
+bad! In the olden days, <span class="smcap">Queen Bess</span> used to be rowed in her barge up the
+Effra (which now, like the Mole, "runneth underground", hidden by earth
+and brickwork, but, not long since, was a visible stream) to visit Sir
+<span class="smcap">Walter</span> at what was <i>then</i> his Country House. There were no Interviewers
+in those happy days, else would a "Sir <span class="smcap">Walter Raleigh</span> At Home", with
+"Gloriana" as his guest, be toothsome reading. And shall <span class="smcap">Jugson</span>, the
+Jerry-builder, with his mud-bricks and slime-mortar, his warped timber
+and his peeling stucco, banish even the memories of the great
+Elizabethans from their ancient haunts? Forbid it, O Spirit of the
+Jubilee Year! Let the Jubilators <span class="smcap">Raleigh</span>&mdash;we mean <i>rally</i>, round
+<span class="smcap">Raleigh's</span> old Mansion,&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">"Let not his house who witched Old England's eyes</p>
+<p class="i0">Before base <span class="smcap">Jugson</span> fall on Brixton Rise."</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Ben Trovato Again.</span>&mdash;When the Papal Envoy arrived, His Eminence had
+several mansions placed at his disposal. The one he fancied most was
+that offered by Mr. <span class="smcap">H. Labouchere</span>, M.P., with the appropriate
+designation of "<span class="smcap">Pope's</span> Villa, Twickenham."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>A Hard-worked Official.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Lord Chamberlain Lathom</span>, exhausted is he</p>
+<p class="i0">After this season of Jubilee.</p>
+<p class="i0">"Farewell to my cares at holiday-tide,"</p>
+<p class="i0">Says <span class="smcap">Lathom</span> aloud, when he'll <i>lay them aside</i>.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>As to the Mission of Monsignor <span class="smcap">Persico</span> to Ireland, an Horatian
+Nationalist wrote&mdash;"<span class="smcap">Persico's</span> odi." And he probably does dislike it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 65%">
+<a href="images/007.png">
+<img src="images/007.png" width="100%" alt="THE NEW &quot;HATCH.&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>THE NEW "HATCH."</h4>
+<p><span class="smcap">Mr. P.</span> "AH! THEY'RE AN AWFULLY UGLY LOT! I <i>DID</i> THINK THE OLD
+GAUCHE-HEN&mdash;(AHEM!)&mdash;WOULD HA' DONE BETTER THAN THAT!!"</p>
+<p>[<i>Exit sadly.</i>]</p>
+</div>
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+
+<h2>THE LAST VISIT (BUT ONE) TO THE ACADEMY.</h2>
+
+<table summary="the last visit"><tr><td valign="bottom">
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009a.png">
+<img src="images/009a.png" width="100%" alt="Left Leg Shrunk" /></a><br /><br />
+<h4>No. 518. Left Leg Shrunk.</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td valign="bottom"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009b.png">
+<img src="images/009b.png" width="100%" alt="" title="Her Serene Transparency" /></a><br /><br />
+<h4>No. 624. Her Serene Transparency.</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td valign="bottom"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009c.png">
+<img src="images/009c.png" width="100%" alt="Hard Hit in a Town and Gown Row" /></a>
+<h4>No. 413. Hard Hit in a Town and Gown Row.</h4>
+</div></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<table summary="the last visit">
+<tr><td valign="bottom"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009d.png">
+<img src="images/009d.png" width="100%" alt="What can we do with the Baby?" /></a>
+<h4>No. 647. What can we do with the Baby?</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td valign="bottom"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009e.png">
+<img src="images/009e.png" width="100%" alt="Warming his Back against the Soup Tureen" /></a>
+<h4>Warming his Back against the Soup Tureen</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td valign="bottom"><div class="figcenter" style="width: 100%">
+<a href="images/009f.png">
+<img src="images/009f.png" width="100%" alt="Pulling the Stuffing out of Toy Terrier" /></a>
+<h4>No. 253. Pulling the Stuffing out of Toy Terrier.</h4>
+</div></td></tr>
+</table>
+
+<p>A grand flare-up on Thursday last. A Jubilee <i>Soir&eacute;e</i> worthy of the
+Jubilee Year and the Royal Academicians. Kings, Queens, Royal
+Highnesses, Grand Dukes and Duchesses have become so common this Jubilee
+month, that, when some <i>blas&eacute;</i> and well-seasoned Londoner is asked who
+such and such a decorated person is, he languidly replies, "Oh! only a
+King, or something of that sort."</p>
+
+<p>There was a private Royal Night on Wednesday, when only Royalty and The
+Forty R.A.'s were present,&mdash;"The Forty" did something in the oil and
+colour line, as we gather from <i>The Arabian Nights</i>, revised edition, by
+Lady <span class="smcap">Burton</span>,&mdash;and, of course, <i>Mr. Punch</i>, who is everywhere on every
+occasion, and who, in a general way, represents H.R.H. Everybody.</p>
+
+<p>On Thursday night, T.R.H. Everybody and Everybody Else were present, and
+the scene was brilliant. Sir <span class="smcap">Frederick</span>, a Prince among Presidents and a
+President among Princes, graciously welcomed the guests. He was assisted
+by Sir <span class="smcap">Everett Millais</span> and Treasurer <span class="smcap">Horsley</span>, who appeared rather weary,
+perhaps tired of counting the shillings, or worried by the uncertainty
+of the monetary value of the <span class="smcap">Boehm</span> silver currency.</p>
+
+<p>The Queen of the Pictures is still Professor <span class="smcap">Herkomer's</span> Lady in black
+with the long gloves. She lingers in our memory, and will do so for many
+a long day. May we never see her <i>in propri&acirc; person&acirc;</i>, or disappointment
+might be our dole. The Lady in the picture cannot age. Even amidst all
+the living breathing beauty collected within those walls on Thursday
+last, the Lady on the wall, if we may so put it, "took the
+cake,"&mdash;though she didn't take it all, as there was plenty left for Miss
+<span class="smcap">Mary Anderson</span>, Miss <span class="smcap">Dorothy Dene</span>, and some other charming ladies. One
+more visit to the Royal Academy, and then the Show for 1887 will have
+passed away. Then, after a brief holiday, the Artists will be again at
+work, according to their individual taste and fancy, taking (lucky
+<i>gourmets</i>!) each one just what best suits his palette. <i>Au revoir!</i></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>HIBERNIA TO THE QUEEN.</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>On the occasion of the Visit of Princes Victor and George of Wales.</i>)</center>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Your Majesty's</span> Grandsons I welcomed with joy,</p>
+<p class="i2">At a time when I'm horribly worried;</p>
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Albert Victor</span> and <span class="smcap">George</span>&mdash;he's a broth of a boy&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their visit was brief and too hurried.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">Ah, then, if your <span class="smcap">Majesty's</span> self we could see,</p>
+<p class="i2">Sure we'd drop every grumble and quarrel.</p>
+<p class="i0">Stay a month in the year with my children and me,</p>
+<p class="i2">'Twould be a nice change from Balmoral.</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> Wild West Kensington Indians were not permitted to go to Henley last
+week. It was thought that the sight of so many sculls would be too much
+for them, and that they would immediately want to scalp everybody. Why
+doesn't the Honourable Colonel <span class="smcap">Buffalo Bill Cody</span> engage "<span class="smcap">Squash</span>," and
+give him a show on a buck-jumper? Something amusing is wanted to enliven
+the Wild West Scenes in the Circle, and "<span class="smcap">Squash</span>" is just the sort of
+droll required.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>GOG AND MAGOG AT THE BALL.</h2>
+
+<div class="poem1"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">The Jubilee Ball,</p>
+<p class="i6">Held at Guildhall</p>
+<p class="i0">Last week, on Tuesday night,</p>
+<p class="i6">A great success;</p>
+<p class="i6">All must confess</p>
+<p class="i0">It was a glorious sight.</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">The Giants twain</p>
+<p class="i6">Imbibed champagne.</p>
+<p class="i0">Says Magog to Gog, "What fun!"</p>
+<p class="i6">Says Gog, "For a crown</p>
+<p class="i6">I couldn't get down</p>
+<p class="i0">As we ought when the clock strikes one."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">Says Magog to Gog,</p>
+<p class="i6">"You jolly old dog,</p>
+<p class="i0">With the same idea I'm imbued.</p>
+<p class="i6">We ought to descend,</p>
+<p class="i6">But we can't, my friend;</p>
+<p class="i0">On our pedestals we're screwed."</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i6">To save their renown,</p>
+<p class="i6">They didn't come down.</p>
+<p class="i0">Be sure they acted right.</p>
+<p class="i6">The jovial pair</p>
+<p class="i6">Remained where they were;</p>
+<p class="i0">Gog and Magog stopped up all night!</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The</span> President and Fellows having, at a recent meeting at South
+Kensington, by their Resolutions shown, spite their difficulties, a
+disposition to ride the high horse, their body will henceforth be known
+as the Royal Haughty-cultural Society.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ROBERT AT THE AMERICAN EXHIBITION.</h2>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">I've</span> paid my second wisit to this most emusing place, and have to report
+a grate improvement in its inside, witch is gradawally a filling up like
+an hungry Alderman at a nice rich fust class dinner.</p>
+
+<p>But this time I paid speshal attention to the outside emusements, and
+them as carnt find no fun and xcitement in them, had better go off at
+wunce to the Amerrycan Bar for a "Coaxer," and that, as I found, will
+soon pick him up. I never saw such a site as <span class="smcap">Bufferlow Bill's</span> Wild West
+in South Kensington, the werry recklekshun of it sets me off so that I
+must pull myself together with one of <span class="smcap">Bertram's</span> "Brighton Steadiers," or
+I shall get too exsited to write strait.</p>
+
+<p>Well, I spose it was because they was jest a little late that the whole
+blooming lot of 'em, Amerrycans and Cow Boys, and Mexicans and Injians
+with their Squalls and Porposes, and Gals a riding like gals generally
+rides, and Gals a riding like men, all cum a galloping in at such a
+whirling pace that it litorally took away all my pore breth, and they
+screamed as they galloped, and their crimson and blue and scarlet and
+yeller clokes all shone in the sunlight and fluttered in the breeze, and
+when they came jest in front of me, where I was setting with dignerty in
+a reserwed seat at the small charge of 1s., they pulled up bang, as if
+they was all shot, and all sat as still as mice.</p>
+
+<p>Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they
+was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by
+<span class="smcap">Bufferlow Bill</span> and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty
+of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the
+jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away
+after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to
+deceeve the enemy.</p>
+
+<p>Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many
+Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? We wound up with a Bufferlow hunt,
+but as the animals was jest as uncurry-combed and as dirty as afore, I
+gammoned Mrs. <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, who was with me, that it was ardly a site for a
+reel dellycat lady to witness, so we went off to see the Toboggening,
+and grate fun it was to look at. But, to my extreme estonishment nothink
+wood do but Mrs. <span class="smcap">Robert</span> must try it, and, in spite of all my
+remonstrances, I presently found myself a seated with my bitter arf on
+the top of an high hill, about to be launched hedlong on our wild career
+with ony a piece of rope to guide us and nothink to stop us. Oh, that
+dedly moment of hezitashun! and then the rush through the hair with
+sitch litening speed as made Mrs. <span class="smcap">Robert</span> give jest a little squeal. How
+any sane person having wunce tried this new game, which recalled to fond
+memory the sensashun of my fust swing, can wish to repeat the dose, I
+carnt understand. He suttenly ought to have the stummuck of a
+Horsestrich rather than of a Halderman. The fond partner of my fate
+having a little hedake after her rash xperryment, which she insisted
+upon declaring was owing to the rifle-shooting, I adwised her to leave
+the noisy scene and seek the cumfort of her quiet home, promising to
+jine her hurly, so she went. I was afterwards asked to try the
+Switch-back Railway, but learning from a prewious wictim as how the
+sensation reminded him of the fust time as he crossed the Channel, I
+declined with thanks.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/010a.png">
+<img src="images/010a.png" width="100%" alt="Robert Tobogganing" /></a>
+<h4>Robert Tobogganing.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Hoping to meet with the Kernel who had promised to introduce me to the
+Hon. Mr. <span class="smcap">William Bufferlow</span>, Esquire, wulgerly called <span class="smcap">Bufferlow Bill</span>, I
+sauntered round to the Injians encampment, but was there told he had
+gone to dine with some other Savages at the Savage Club, so I coudn't
+see him. Howsumever I fell into conwersation with one of the tip-top
+managers, and he introduced me to sum of the principal Braves, as they
+calls 'em, and their Squaws, and porposes. They was worry affable and
+perlite, as I'm told as all reel savages is, but I carnt say much for
+their hartistick taste. There was one savage lady with a savage dorter
+and a pickaninny about rising four, as grately surprised me. The yung
+lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but
+she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners
+is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was
+painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all
+his air a brite green. But such is my natral perliteness, that when his
+fond Ma held him up to me and said, "Lookee, lookee, ain't him Booty?" I
+said, "Oh! yessee, yessee!" I didn't dare to kiss it, for fear its face
+wood have stuck to mine, witch woudn't ha bin nice.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 60%">
+<a href="images/010b.png">
+<img src="images/010b.png" width="100%" alt="A Little Indian Rubber" /></a>
+<h4>A Little Indian Rubber.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>I spent a werry plessent evening with the principle performers such as
+<span class="smcap">Red Shirt</span>, and <span class="smcap">Cut Meat</span>, and sum others, and whenever the conwersashun
+flagged I surgested a adjurnment to the Amerrycan Bar, and we allus
+tried a new drink, and this I will say for my forren frends that they
+took them all with the same coolness as if they had been the native
+drinks of the Far West End. The larst one we tried was called "A Yard of
+flannel," and for warmth and cumfort it was well-named, but somehows I
+fancy it must ha bin rayther a staggerer, for I remember werry little of
+what took place afterwards. But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at
+cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on
+sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money,
+and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, <span class="smcap">Robert</span>, you've lost your Injian
+Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. How I got home I don't werry well
+remember, but I do remember, and shall probberbly never forget, the
+werry warm recepshun I met when at length I arrived there, or the nex
+morning's hed hake. I don't think I shall try "a yard of flannel," again
+in an hurry.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="smcap">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Children's Nautical Festival.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">On</span> the occasion of the Great Naval Review, Lord <span class="smcap">Charles Beresford</span>,
+remembering Mr. <span class="smcap">Edward Lawson's</span> Hyde Park success, intends to stand
+treat to all the Buoys round the Coast. The Best Buoy will receive a
+present from Her Gracious <span class="smcap">Majesty</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+
+<h2>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<h4>EXTRACTED FROM</h4>
+
+<h3>THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h3>
+
+<div class='figcenter'>
+<table class="lobby" summary="lobby">
+<tr><td align='left'><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+<div class="blockquot"><p><i>House of Commons, Monday, June 27.</i>&mdash;Back again <br />to the Coercion Bill.
+Report Stage reached, and strong<br /> whips out on both sides in anticipation
+of Division. Both<br /> Front Benches crowded like the rest. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> in his<br />
+place, as eager to make speech as if it were his first on<br /> the subject.
+<span class="smcap">Hartington</span> there too, and <span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span>,<br /> making, with <span class="smcap">Heneage</span>, a brave
+show on end of Front<br /> Bench. <span class="smcap">Gladstone</span> spoke early. A full House, but<br />
+everyone bored to death. Later, House thinned to degree<br /> that invited a
+count; but at sound of bell Members held<br /> in hand for Division, swooped
+down, got themselves counted,<br /> saved the sitting, and straightway fled
+again.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">George Campbell</span> concerned in interests of Protestant<br /> Church. A Papal
+Envoy been received by <span class="smcap">Queen</span> to<br /> present Jubilee congratulations. Was
+that an exceptional<br /> privilege for an Ecclesiastic? Would the Brahmin
+Head of <br />Benares be allowed to approach <span class="smcap">Her Majesty</span> in similar<br /> way? No
+answer. Would the Grand Imaum of Mecca?</p>
+
+<p>The Under-Secretary of State shivered in his shoes, but<br /> still no
+response.</p>
+
+<p>Then Sir <span class="smcap">George</span>, uplifting his voice to its most melodious<br /> heights,
+produced his poser:&mdash;"Would the Moderator of the<br /> Free Church of Scotland
+enjoy such a privilege?"</p>
+</div>
+<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<p>Old Morality and his colleagues on the Treasury Bench began to grow
+uneasy. No saying where <span class="smcap">Campbell's</span> list might end. <span class="smcap">Fergusson</span> whispered
+to and nudged till, propped on his feet, he feebly urged that Moderator
+of Free Church of Scotland does not come under the category of a Foreign
+Potentate. A poor quibble this. But <span class="smcap">Campbell</span> generously disinclined to
+push his advantage, and Government escaped immediate defeat.</p>
+
+<p>Growing excitement as Division on <span class="smcap">John Morley's</span> Amendment restricting
+duration of Act to three years approached. <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span> has invented new way
+of taking Division. Members as anxious to try it as nursery of children
+to handle new toy. At first some little difficulty in understanding it.
+Members crowded round <span class="smcap">Ritchie</span> and asked how it was done.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing easier or clearer," he said. "There are six doors, which we
+will call A, B, C, D, E, and F. As soon as division bell rings, F is
+closed. B is left half open. Members voting 'Aye' pass through the A
+door and meet the 'Noes' coming through D. A and C are<span class='pagenum'><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> then
+simultaneously shut. If B is open, the 'Ayes' and the 'Noes,' having
+seen E closed, form in one stream, pass through, and there you are.
+Don't you see?"</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/012a.png">
+<img src="images/012a.png" width="100%" alt="Young &#39;Olden" /></a>
+<h4>Young 'Olden.</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>Everybody saw quite clearly. Quite a pleasure to see <span class="smcap">Isaac Holden</span>
+(<i>etat.</i> eighty, but full of youthful vigour) starting off to try the
+new experiment. Got through all right. But, half an hour later, <span class="smcap">Gilbert
+Greenall</span> found in recesses of ventilating cellars, where, he said, he
+was "looking for door E."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Report on Coercion Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;<span class="smcap">Wilfrid Lawson</span> made admirable suggestion to-night. Proposes
+that, when titles or honours are conferred upon anyone, a statement
+should accompany announcement, setting forth the public services on
+account of which the honour has been conferred. It is so done in respect
+of Victoria Cross. List of Honours conferred in connection with Jubilee
+show the necessity of extending custom.</p>
+
+<p>"Who's he?" said Sir <span class="smcap">Borthwick</span>, Bart., looking down the <i>Gazette</i> when
+it came out. "Never heard of him, nor him either. I seem to be really
+the only distinguished person in the lot."</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 25%">
+<a href="images/012b.png">
+<img src="images/012b.png" width="100%" alt="&quot;Who&#39;s he?&quot;" /></a>
+<h4>"Who's he?"</h4>
+</div>
+
+<p>List notable not only for what it includes but for what it omits. House
+of Commons united in expectation of one recognition, looked for in vain.
+If "Barnets" were to be made in Jubilee time, why was <span class="smcap">Joseph Gillis</span>
+overlooked? This thought in everyone's mind, as <span class="smcap">Joey B.</span> turned up
+to-night telling in a division against the Government. His public
+appearance now so rare that its recurrence was an event. Since he came
+into possession of Castle Butlerstown the alteration, long-working, made
+sudden and complete advance. His moustache, now past the indefinite
+stage, is an unquestionable reality, and to see <span class="smcap">Joey B.</span> twirling it <i>&agrave;
+la</i> <span class="smcap">Randolph</span>, is a delight to the quiet mind. <span class="smcap">Joseph</span> feels his new
+responsibilities. When reproached by <span class="smcap">Tim Healy</span> with his excessive
+respectability he is not moved.</p>
+
+<p>"It's all very well for you, <span class="smcap">Tim</span>, to be brow-beating the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span>,
+interrupting Hon. Members opposite, moving the adjournment and the like.
+But it's different for a man who has a Castle, a drawbridge, a moat, and
+a moustache."</p>
+
+<p>Characteristic infelicity on the part of the Government to have
+neglected this opportunity of recognising a reformed character. <span class="smcap">Joey B.</span>
+is now a credit to the House. It would have been to the credit of the
+Government had his friends been able to hail him as Sir <span class="smcap">Joseph Gillis
+Biggar</span>, Bart., of Butlerstown Castle.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Coercion Bill again.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;"He! he!" said Old Morality, his white teeth shedding pale
+light over Treasury Bench. "Capital joke! Hope they'll often repeat it."</p>
+
+<p>Capital it was, and so unexpected, too. Secret admirably kept, and
+sprung upon amazed House with marvellous effect. After questions, O. M.
+moved Resolutions providing for discussion on Report Stage of Coercion
+Bill being peremptorily closed at Seven o'Clock on Monday night.</p>
+
+<p>"The Early Closing Association," said Sir <span class="smcap">Wilfrid Lawson</span>, looking across
+at Noble Lords and Right Hon. Gentlemen arrayed on Treasury Bench in
+support of this Motion.</p>
+
+<p>Parnellites of course hostile to Motion. But more particularly enraged
+because O. M. in moving it had not spoken single sentence.</p>
+
+<p>"Come, come," said <span class="smcap">John Dillon</span>, "this is too bad. If we are to lose our
+liberties, let us, at least, have a speech in support of the
+proposition."</p>
+
+<p>But O. M. obdurately silent, and debate kept up for three hours from
+Opposition side. Then Division taken, and Motion carried by majority of
+a round hundred. After this, Ministers looked forward to another
+wearisome evening, with Friday to follow, and more talk through Monday
+up to fatal Seven o'Clock. Here's where the joke came in. The
+Opposition, returning from Division Lobby after voting on Closure
+Proposition, continued their march through the House and cleared out by
+the door. Ministers watched process with amazement, growing into
+apprehension, and finally broadening into a grin of delight as the joke
+flashed upon them. Having given Government the trouble of preparing,
+moving and carrying Resolution, fixing closure of debate on Monday
+evening, Irish Members not going to debate at all! The Government might
+take their Report Stage; which they did, and before you could say "<span class="smcap">W. H.
+Smith</span>," the Report Stage of the Coercion Bill was agreed to, and House,
+scarcely recovered from surprise, was engaged upon miscellaneous
+business of the Orders of the day.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday, Midnight.</i>&mdash;Since dinner-time there has been exhilarating scene
+in Palace Yard. Nearly every 'bus that has passed has dropped a Duchess
+at the gate. Four-wheelers, conveying Countesses, have regularly filed
+in; whilst, what Sir <span class="smcap">Robert Peel</span> would call "Noble Baronesses," have
+arrived on foot. As distinguished Novelist somewhere writes, "Lo! a
+strange thing has happened." On ordinary days House of Lords, which
+commences public business at 5&middot;30, adjourns about 5&middot;37. At this hour of
+midnight House still sitting, and no sign of Adjournment. Irish Land
+Bill under debate. Subject irresistible to Noble Lords. Have foregone
+their late afternoon drive in the Park. More than one has patriotically
+dined on a chop.</p>
+
+<p>A flush of honest pride mantles many a noble countenance. All very well
+for the Commons to boast of their long sittings; but see what the Peers
+can do when duty calls! At first a little consternation at the arrivals
+from without. But even that turns out well. There were stories of
+anxious wives communicating with House of Commons during All-night
+Sittings, and finding errant husbands not there. But here are Noble
+Lords unflinchingly serving their country, remaining at their post,
+whate'er betide.</p>
+
+<p>A beautiful and a soothing sight, which affects to tears some of the
+Commons, who sit in the Gallery, and look down upon it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Lords pass Report Stage of Irish Land Bill.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>"HOME, SWEET HOME!"</h2>
+
+<center>(<i>New Version, by a Much-Worn-out M.P.</i>)</center>
+
+<blockquote><p>"The welcome cry, 'Who goes home' sounds like a melancholy dirge
+through the rapidly-emptying lobbies."&mdash;Mr. <span class="smcap">Osborne Morgan</span>, M.P.,
+<i>in the</i> "<i>Nineteenth Century</i>."</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0"><span class="smcap">Midst</span> clauses and paragraphs though we may roam.</p>
+<p class="i0">Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"</p>
+<p class="i0">A charm undefined seems to hallow it there,</p>
+<p class="i0">After <span class="smcap">Tanner's</span> loud shindy and <span class="smcap">Conybeare's</span> blare.</p>
+<p class="i2">Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"</p>
+<p class="i2">Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"</p>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i0">An exile from office, I will not complain,</p>
+<p class="i0">Give me only my calm "beauty sleep" once again;</p>
+<p class="i0">The birds singing sweetly at dawn be my lot</p>
+<p class="i0">To hear, not loud torrents of partisan rot.</p>
+<p class="i2">Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"</p>
+<p class="i2">Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"</p>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h2>CRICKET AT LORD'S.</h2>
+
+<h4><i>Hits by Dumb Crambo, Jun.</i></h4>
+
+<table summary="cricket cartoons">
+<tr><td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/012c.png">
+<img src="images/012c.png" width="100%" alt="A Patient Innings" /></a>
+<h4>A Patient Innings.</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/012d.png">
+<img src="images/012d.png" width="100%" alt="A Cut in front of Point" /></a><br /><br /><br />
+<h4>A Cut in front of Point.</h4>
+</div></td>
+</tr>
+
+<tr><td><div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/012e.png">
+<img src="images/012e.png" width="100%" alt="Over!" /></a><br /><br /><br />
+<h4>Over!</h4>
+</div></td>
+
+<td>
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 80%">
+<a href="images/012f.png">
+<img src="images/012f.png" width="100%" alt="Last Man. His usual form." /></a>
+<h4>Last Man. His usual form.</h4>
+</div></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 45px;">
+<img src="images/012g.gif" width="45" height="20" alt="pointing finger" />
+</div>
+
+<p>NOTICE.&mdash;Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, July 9, 1887., by Various
+
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93,
+July 9, 1887., by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, July 9, 1887.
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: May 31, 2010 [EBook #32629]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Neville Allen, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+  PUNCH,
+
+  OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+  VOLUME 93.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  JULY 9, 1887.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+OPERATIC CONFUSION.
+
+I went on Saturday to hear the three operatic novelties so liberally
+provided for us on the same night by Messrs. MAPLESON, LAGO and HARRIS.
+I do not mix my liquors, and I endeavour, as a rule, to keep to the same
+lyrical drama throughout the evening; nor is it my fault if a good dose
+of strong BEETHOVEN, sweetened with GOUNOD and flavoured with MEYERBEER
+had, on the occasion in question, a somewhat confusing effect on my
+brain. At Her Majesty's, LILLI LEHMANN was all right as _Leonora_: not
+_Leonora_ of _La Favorita_, but _Leonora_ the favourite wife of
+_Manrico_--no, not of _Manrico_, but of another personage who, like the
+unfortunate _Trovatore_, has to be rescued by his loving spouse from the
+tyranny of a powerful baritone; whether VERDI'S _Count di Luna_ or
+SHERIDAN'S _Pizarro_, I cannot just now call to mind. Mlle. LEHMANN is
+not only a fine singer, but also a serious dramatic artist; and the
+public was deeply impressed by her performance. She is a LEHMANN with
+all the earnestness of a good clergyman; not that she had taken orders
+as I (Box No. 70) had done.
+
+From Her Majesty's Theatre, I drove in a rapid Hansom to Drury Lane. I
+had told the cabman to take me to the Royal Italian Opera, and I was
+about to remonstrate with him for conveying me to the wrong house, when
+he promptly explained that there were now two Royal Italian Operas, one
+at Covent Garden, the other at Drury Lane. New source of confusion!
+"Confusion worse confounded!" as MILTON observes.
+
+"How far have they got?" I inquired as I entered the theatre.
+
+"_Valentine's_ death scene," replied my friend.
+
+"_Valentine_ does not die, my dear fellow; _Valentine_ only faints," I
+answered, I was thinking of course, of the new dramatic soprano, Mlle.
+SANDRA, in _Les Huguenots_.
+
+"You are evidently not an Opera-goer," I continued, "or you would know
+that no one dies in this work, except, of course, in the last Act. But
+that is always left out."
+
+"Wrong again!" exclaimed JONES, with an amused look. "AUGUSTUS HARRIS
+restores the last Act. See his prospectus."
+
+"Well, never mind that. Is _Ella Russell_ singing the part of _Queen
+Margaret_ as well as ever?"
+
+"I did not know that _Margaret_ was a Queen. I always thought she was of
+humble origin. The part in any case is being played by Mlle. NORDICA."
+
+Determined to be no longer the victim of mystification, I wished JONES
+good-bye, and hurrying in, found the curtain down. Afraid now to ask
+what was being played, I waited patiently for the next Act, and when at
+last the curtain went up, I found to my astonishment that some
+representation entirely new to me was taking place. Will-o'-the-Wisps on
+a dark back-ground. That was all I saw. I asked myself whether I had
+gone mad, or whether the Drury Lane Pantomime was being played a little
+earlier than usual. Then the dark scene gave place to a scene of great
+brilliancy. There was a throne at the back of the stage, and again my
+thoughts reverted to the _Huguenots_, and I fancied I could recognise
+_Queen Margaret_. But her features were not the features of ELLA
+RUSSELL. Besides, ELLA RUSSELL does not dance, not at least on the
+Operatic stage; and this lady did.
+
+"This is HELEN," said a gentleman in a stall on my right to a lady by
+his side. Here was at least a clue; and when at the same moment the
+baritone DE RESZKE stepped out of a group attired in the garb of
+_Mephistopheles_, I said to myself that the performance had been
+changed, and this was the last Act of BOITO'S _Mefistofele_, with new
+details, or at least details that I had not noticed when the work was
+performed at Her Majesty's Theatre and at Covent Garden. Now dancing
+began in earnest, and I wondered much at the never-failing ingenuity of
+Mr. AUGUSTUS HARRIS, who with a score of first-rate singers in his
+Company, had nevertheless found himself compelled (probably at five
+minutes' notice,) to change an Opera into a _ballet_. It reminded me of
+a certain operatic Manager, who, being suddenly deprived of the services
+of most of his vocalists, announced in his programme, that in
+consequence of the departure of his principal singers, the music of _Don
+Giovanni_, would be "replaced, for that night only, by lively and
+expressive pantomime."
+
+When, however, _Mephistopheles_ DE RESZKE and _Faust_ DE RESZKE both
+began to sing, I saw that my supposition was untenable.
+
+"What you have seen," said JONES, who meanwhile had come in, and who now
+occupied a seat on my left, "is not _Mefistofele_ at all. It is GOUNOD'S
+additional Ballet Scene for _Faust_. 'Dramatic _Divertissement_' it
+ought to be called. Beautiful grouping, picturesque costumes,
+magnificent scenery, delightful dance music! But you ought not to have
+missed the new _Valentine_. That was a great mistake." I looked at my
+watch. "Time enough for the new _Valentine_ even now," I reflected; and
+I went over as fast as I could to Covent Garden.
+
+Here there was a new _Valentine_ surely enough. A Russian lady, I was
+told. Not a bit like the Russian ladies one has seen in _Fedora_, the
+_Pink Pearl_, the _Red Lamp_, and other dramatic misrepresentations of
+Russian life. But Mlle. SANDRA, or Mlle. PANAEFF, or whatever her name
+may be, was not playing the part of a female Nihilist. She was
+impersonating a well-bred, Catholic young lady of the Sixteenth Century.
+JONES subsequently informed me that it was not Mlle. SANDRA'S
+_Valentine_ that I ought to have seen, but VICTOR MAUREL'S, at the other
+house.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTE AT THE GUILDHALL.--Now we know what the City Marshal has to do. We
+saw him in his warlike costume, bareheaded, marshalling the carriages of
+the Great Personages on their departure, and capitally he did it. Not a
+single name was pronounced incorrectly. Everybody came up to time, and
+got away comfortably. On these occasions, the City Marshal is a sort of
+Glorified Linkman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE LATEST FROM LORD'S.
+
+_Land Bill._ "WELL, ANYHOW, YOU CARRIED YOUR BAT." _Crimes Bill._ "YES;
+BUT YOU'LL FIND THE BOWLING AWFULLY HOT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCENE--_The Cricket Field. The Bell has rung for the Second Innings._
+Mr. LAND BILL _is just going to the wickets, and pauses to exchange a
+word or two with_ Mr. CRIMES BILL, _who has had so long an innings in
+the earlier part of the match_.
+
+    _Crimes Bill (taking it easy on his bat)._ Hello, L. B. my lad,
+      you're going in?
+
+    _L. B. (buttoning his gloves nervously)._ Ye--e--s. Captain's orders!
+
+    _C. B._ Well, I hope you'll win.
+
+    _L. B._ I'll do my best; can Cricketer do more?
+
+    _C. B._ No. But, by Jove! you'll find it hard to score.
+
+    _L. B._ What? Bowling killing?
+
+    _C. B._ Beastly! Talk of "shying"?
+        CROSSLAND'S a lamb to HEALY.
+
+    _L. B._ Ah! that's trying.
+        But then they haven't got a SHAW, Sir, surely?
+
+    _C. B._ No; but, by Jingo! they have more--a MORLEY!
+        Straight on the middle stump. And then old GLAD
+        Breaks awful, right and left, and shoots like mad.
+        I say they ought to be disqualified
+        For unfair bowling.
+
+    _L. B._ Humph! that game's been tried;
+        But Umpire doesn't always seem to see it.
+
+    _C. B._ Ah! Umpires are such funkers.
+
+    _L. B._ Well, so be it.
+        Must do my best. What sort of wickets?
+
+    _C. B._ Crumbling.
+        Must meet the ball with a straight bat; no fumbling,
+        Or out you go!
+
+    _L. B._ And how's the fielding?
+
+    _C. B._ Dicky!
+        'Tis there you'll have the pull that wickets sticky
+        Or cut up, through the influence of weather,
+        Can't neutralise. _They're never all together._
+        Some run like hares, some throw in like a Krupp;
+        But what they fail in is in "backing up."
+
+    _L. B._ Thanks be! I see my chance then. If they're loose
+        In fielding I can slog 'em to the doose.
+
+    _C. B._ But don't take liberties, my lad. No jumps
+        In for a drive; they're always on the stumps.
+        And then their wicket-keeper's like a cat.
+
+    _L. B._ Well, anyhow _you_ carried out your bat,
+        Despite the lot of them. Can "_crack_" do more?
+
+    _C. B. (significantly)._ Yes!--I kept up my stumps, but
+          _could not score_!
+        A "Not out, nothing" may be meritorious,
+        And very useful, but 'tis hardly glorious,
+        A stolid SCOTTON'S worth his salt, at need;
+        But, after all, he's not a GRACE or READ.
+       _You_'ll have to hit, as well as guard your wicket,
+        If you'd be popular. Blocking is not Cricket!
+
+    _L. B._ Humph! no, not quite. My orders are to score
+        And bring the House down.
+
+    _C. B._ That will cause a roar
+        When you take back your bat to the Pavilion.
+        A Cricketer must smite to please the Million.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUTLEDGE'S _Jubilee Guide to London_, is good, not only for such a
+"high old time" as the Jubilee Week, but for the next three years or so
+until the streets are re-named and a few new thoroughfares opened up.
+The illustrations are excellent. There is only one objection to this
+Guide as a companion, and that is it is rather too large. No Guide to be
+useful should be bigger than the Handy-Volume Shakspeare size,
+originally started at 85, Fleet Street. Some of the French Guides, not
+the regiment, but the little books, JOANNE'S Series, are models in this
+respect.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PHILIPS' _Handy Volume Atlas_ is about the right size. "The World," it
+is often said, "is a small place;" but for all that, it does not go so
+easily in a tail-coat pocket, where Mr. PHILIPS' _Atlas_ can be
+conveniently carried. It is an invaluable companion for everyday
+newspaper reading. _Happy Thought_ for Travellers, to whom this little
+volume is recommended, "PHILIPS on his way through the World."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH.
+
+_Our Artist (showing his last and most important Picture, the work of
+years)._ "YES, I SHOULD LIKE TO _EXHIBIT_ IT; BUT I DON'T WANT TO _SELL_
+IT, YOU KNOW--AT LEAST NOT TILL TIMES ARE BETTER."
+
+_Friend._ "WELL, WHY NOT SEND IT TO THE EXHIBITION, AND PUT A
+PROHIBITIVE PRICE UPON IT--SAY TWENTY POUNDS?!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING.
+
+(_Meteorological forecast for the Month._)
+
+_6th._--Queen's Weather continues. Raspberry crop fails. Strawberries
+sold by auction in Covent Garden Market, and fetch two guineas each.
+
+_13th._--Queen's Weather still continues. All the grass in Hyde Park
+turns brown, and suddenly disappears. Vegetables generally sell at
+famine prices. Riot of Dukes attempting to secure a bundle of late
+asparagus from a fashionable West End greengrocer's, suppressed by the
+police.
+
+_17th._--Queen's Weather as settled as ever. Great drought commences.
+London Water Companies cut off their supply. Five o'clock tea in
+Belgravia made from boiled soda-water. Apollinaris supplied in buckets,
+for washing purposes, at the rate of twenty guineas the dozen pint
+bottles.
+
+_21st._--Queen's Weather showing no signs of departure, fifteen
+umbrella-manufacturers go through the Bankruptcy Court, and commit
+suicide. Dust in London becomes intolerable. A Nobleman in Mayfair has
+Piccadilly watered with BASS'S India Pale Ale.
+
+_27th._--Queen's Weather established. The Thames runs dry between
+Vauxhall and Westminster. The SPEAKER gives a garden-party in the bed of
+the river. _Cafe noir_, made of ink, served as a refreshment.
+
+_31st._--Queen's Weather still continuing, seventeen ginger-beer
+manufacturers who have become _millionnaires_ are raised to the
+Peerage. The LORD MAYOR goes off his head, and, imagining that he is the
+Old Pump at Aldgate, is removed, by general consent, to Colney Hatch.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOREAT MASCHERA!
+
+A GREAT deal of curiosity has been expressed about the Gray's Inn _Maske
+of Flowers_, which has puzzled a number of people. The better informed
+have replied, when asked, "What _was_ it?" "Oh, don't you know what a
+Maske is? Why _Comus_ was a Maske, don't you know?" To save time and
+temper, _Mr. Punch_ begs to inform all inquirers that:--
+
+1. "Gray's Inn" is the Inn where the poet GRAY always stopped when he
+came to town. It has always been associated with Poets.
+
+2. This _Maske of Flowers_ is not Mr. CYRIL FLOWER, M.P.'s.
+
+3. It is highly improbable that the Benchers of the Four Inns of Court
+will appear in Fancy Costume at four o'clock in the morning, and
+serenade the occupants of the Western Face of Gray's Inn Square from the
+Gardens.
+
+4. The Maske is not so called from everybody in Gray's Inn appearing in
+"big heads."
+
+5. The LORD CHANCELLOR is not introduced as Harlequin, and does not
+dance a _pas seul_ with "Mr. SOLICITOR," founded upon some of the more
+intricate steps of the _pavan_, or peacock's strut.
+
+6. That it is not the duty of the Master of the Revels to teach the
+Masters of the Bench how to execute with spirit a Morisco.
+
+Having said what the Maske will _not_ be, _Mr. Punch_ goes a step
+further--and stops, thinking it will be better to reserve particulars
+until after the Performance.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EVERY Etonian ought to go to the Gaiety and hear Mr. MERRIVALE'S new
+piece, of which Mrs. BROWN-POTTER is the heroine. Why ought every
+Etonian to do this? We forgot to mention that the name of the play is
+_Civil Warre_. (If it isn't so spelt, it ought to be.)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYALTY AT THE PALACE.
+
+[Illustration: Cockney notion of A-making.]
+
+A HARD-WORKING three weeks has H.R.H. had of it. Morning, noon, and
+night, here, there, and everywhere. _Mr. Punch_ was glad to see that
+H.R.H. took his advice, given last week, and immediately visited the
+Crystal Palace. The Fireworks were first-rate. The Prospect was
+brilliant. Good omen for the C.P. If the B.P. could only get to the
+C.P. in twenty minutes from Victoria, by Palace trains every twenty-five
+minutes after a certain time in the afternoon, the future chances of
+prosperity for the Palace would be considerably increased. By the way,
+we thought we noticed some people, who had nothing to do with the
+fireworks, speaking to the Lighters--the de-lighters--while in the
+execution of their duty. If so, this ought to be stopped, and a notice
+put up,--"You are requested not to speak to the Man at the (Catherine)
+Wheel."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JILLS IN OFFICE.
+
+SCENE--_Portion of a Stationer's Shop, used as Post Office. Two Young
+Ladies (let them be distinguished as_ Miss CROSS and Miss ORTY)
+_discovered behind wire-screen. At opening of scene, the public is
+composed exclusively of the gentler sex, and the demeanour of_ Miss C.
+and Miss O. _though firm, is not positively forbidding. Lady Customers,
+having despatched their business move away, leaving the coast clear to
+three_ MILD MEN, _who advance to screen with a meekness designed to
+propitiate. Instant transformation in both_ Miss C. and Miss O., _who
+gaze at them through screen with air of visitors at the Zoo who are not
+fond of animals_.
+
+_First Mild Man (with apologetic cough)._ Oh, good-day! [_Slight pause._
+
+_Miss Cross to Miss Orty (in continuation of an interrupted anecdote)._
+Yes, I said it to him just like that--it made me so wild!
+
+_Miss Orty._ I shouldn't have taken any notice if it had been me.
+
+_First M. M._ Can you oblige me with six stamps, if you please?
+
+[Miss Orty, _without looking at him, opens drawer, tears off six stamps,
+and tosses them contemptuously underneath the screen_.
+
+_Second Mild Man._ Oh, I beg your pardon, I just called in to
+inquire---- (Miss C. and Miss O. _regard him stonily, which has effect
+of disconcerting him to some extent_). I--I ... there were some books I
+sent off by Parcels Post from this Office the other day ... you may
+remember it?--they were all in white wrappers. (Miss C. _and_ Miss O.
+_wear the resigned look of people who feel themselves in for a dull
+story_.) Some of my friends, er--I have been given to understand, that
+two of the parcels have--well, failed to arrive as yet.... Could you
+kindly----
+
+_Miss O. to Miss C. (with lifted eyebrows)._ Know anything about the
+books?
+
+_Miss C. shakes her head in scornful repudiation, whereupon Miss Orty
+selects a printed form, which she jerks towards Second M. M._ Fill up
+that, and send it in to the Postmaster-General.
+
+_Second M. M._ But are you quite sure they have not been mislaid _here_?
+You see they are small books, and it struck me perhaps--er----
+
+_Miss O._ Any remarks you have to make can be put in the form.
+
+_Second M. M._ Quite so--but if you could only tell me----
+
+_Miss O._ Can't do any more than I have done. (_To First M. M._) I gave
+you your stamps some time ago, didn't I?
+
+_First M. M._ Oh, yes--yes, I had the stamps, thank you. But--but (_with
+manner of man who is compelled to enter on a painful subject_) there was
+my change--I--I gave you half a sovereign.
+
+_Miss O. (with cold suspicion)._ Don't remember it. You should have
+spoke about it at the time--but of course, if you say you haven't had
+it--I suppose----
+
+[_Deals out his change as if it was more than he had any right to
+expect._
+
+_Second M. M._ One moment--am I to leave this form with you?
+
+_Miss C._ No. Send it to the General Post Office in the regular
+way--they'll attend to it. You'll find all the directions there if you
+take the trouble to look.
+
+_Second M. M._ Thank you _very_ much. Good morning.
+
+[Miss C. _and_ Miss O. _naturally take no notice of this piece of
+familiarity, and_ Second M. M. _departs crushed, and gradually realises
+that he is slightly annoyed_.
+
+_Third M. M. (presenting a telegram)._ Will you send this off at once,
+please?
+
+_Miss Orty (takes the form, and runs a disparaging eye over it, rather
+as if it were an unwelcome love-letter from some detested adorer)._
+"Post mortem's" _two_ words.
+
+_Third M. M._ I have no objection--but it's rather important. I want it
+delivered, and _soon_.
+
+_Miss O._ You must put the address more full than "Rumbo," then.
+
+_Third M. M._ But the telegraphic address is registered "Rumbo."
+
+_Miss O. (who seems to consider_ "Rumbo" _somewhat too frivolous_).
+Well, if you like to leave it so, I can _send_ it--it's at your risk.
+(_She leaves the form on the counter._) Eightpence-halfpenny.
+
+_Enter_ Footman, _with parcel_.
+
+_Footman._ How much to pay on this, Miss, please?
+
+[Miss Cross _takes it reluctantly, slaps it down on scales with infinite
+contempt, flings in weights, and then tosses a stamp and label to_
+Footman, _with the brief remark, "Fourpence," spoken aggressively_.
+Footman, _after paying his fourpence, and gazing from stamp to label in
+a hopeless manner, opens his mouth twice, and withdraws, too intimidated
+to ask for further instructions_.
+
+_Miss C. (still occupied with her anecdote)._ I _should_ laugh if he
+came again next Sunday, just the same--shouldn't you?
+
+_Miss O._ I'd let him see I wasn't going to put up with it, I know!
+
+_Miss C._ Oh, he'll find out he won't have things all his way.
+(_Perceives_ First M. M. _evidently awaiting her leisure_.) Was there
+anything else you were waiting for?
+
+_First M. M._ Er--yes. Can you let me have a Postal Order for
+six-and-sixpence?
+
+_Miss C. (with decision)._ No, I can't!
+
+_First M. M. (surprised)._ But surely----!
+
+_Miss C._ Give you two--one for five shillings, and one for
+eighteen-pence, if _that_ will do?
+
+_First M. M._ Of course, that's what I meant!
+
+_Miss Cross._ It's not what you _said_--you said _a_ order. (_Makes out
+the orders with much disdain._) Three-halfpence to pay.
+
+_Second M. M. (returning)._ Oh, I quite forgot--will you kindly cash
+this order for me?
+
+_Miss O._ Not till you've signed it.
+
+_Second M. M._ Bless my heart, I quite forgot it ought to be signed!
+Could you oblige me with a pen for one moment?
+
+_Miss O._ There's a desk over there for all that.
+
+_Second M. M._ I--I thought if you would let me sign it here, it would
+save time--the desk is occupied at present I observe.
+
+_Miss O. (dabs a pen in the inkstand, and pushes it disdainfully through
+the wire net-work.)_ Give it back when you've finished with it.
+
+[_She is apparently alarmed lest it should be secured as a Souvenir._
+
+_Enter_ Imperious Customer, _and approaches screen with lordly air_.
+
+_Imperious Customer (blusterously)._ Here you--one of you, let me have a
+penny stamp, and a packet of thin post-cards, and two half-penny
+wrappers, will you? and look sharp!
+
+_Miss C. and Miss O. (becoming instantly all smiles.)_ Certainly, Sir.
+(_They vie with one another in activity._) Postcards in that drawer ...
+I'll get the wrappers--ninepence-halfpenny, Sir, and thank you. Good
+morning, Sir.
+
+[_Exit_ Imperious Stranger _snatching up his purchases and ignoring
+parting smiles from behind the screen_. Mild Men _store up the lesson
+for use on future occasions. Scene closes in_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+How's That?
+
+  "THE A B C of Cricket you must get,"
+    Says a great Critic, "if you would succeed."
+  _Punch_ then presumes 'tis by that Alphabet
+    A Cricketer may learn to (WALTER) READ!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COINS OF THE REALM.--'ARRY remarks that the Tories are led by a "Bob"
+(CECIL), the Parnellites can boast the possession of a "TANNER," whilst
+the Liberal Unionists make the most of their "JOEY."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE JAR.--The French have a proverb, "_il faut qu'une porte soit
+ouverte ou fermee_." This evidently does not apply to the Sublime Porte,
+which seems generally "neither one thing nor t' other."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IT was settled at the last meet of the Coaching Club that Mr. EATON,
+M.P., the new Peer, is to be crowned not with laurels, but with his own
+bays.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BARD AT HENLEY.
+
+(_A Reminiscence._)
+
+[Illustration: Retirement after the Jubilee Fortnight.
+  "Far from the Madding Crowd."]
+
+  OH, Friday was lovely! The Bard who now sings
+  Saw Princes, Princesses, a Duke, and two Kings,
+  His Indian Highness, called RAS KUTCH THAKORE,
+  NAWAB GAFFER JUNG and several more.
+
+  They saw the best racing, then went to lunch with
+  The Closuring Commoner, our Mr. SMITH.
+  'Twas Jubilee Weather! the Course was well kept!
+  Oh, champagne! and Oh, headache! I sighed--and then slept.
+
+  I awoke, to find all my companions gone,
+  And I, like the Rose, was left blooming alone.
+  So I plunged in the freshening stream--down, down, down
+  I dived, and I dived, then I came up--to town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CASE AGAINST THE POLICE.--This was Miss CASE, who being arrested by a
+Constable, was Miss-taken for somebody else. Gallant JOSEPHUS
+CHAMBERLANIUS of the Orchid Squad has come to the rescue, and the
+"MATTHEWS-at-Home" Secretary granted an inquiry. Before this paragraph
+appears, the Public may be in possession of the truth. Justice must be
+done, or the young woman may become Case-hardened. But whatever the
+result may be, the Magistrate should study and get by heart, _Newton's
+Principia_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GARDEN, LANE, AND MARKET.
+
+[Illustration: Note from "Mr. G." to Madame Albani.]
+
+"MR. G."--the upper G.--went to hear _Puritani_ on Thursday night. Of
+course he called on Madame ALBANI, and sang a few of the songs just to
+give "Signor G." a hint. When the First Act was over, and the Closure
+was moved by the Act-drop descending, Mr. G. went into the Lobby, and
+voted with the Government of Covent Garden. Mr. G. was seen to be
+several times in animated conversation with Mr. HALL, who was decorated
+with a Covent Garden Order, and was wearing a _Shirtcollerado
+Gladstonensis_ in his button-hole. It is, we believe, quite untrue that
+Mr. HALL has refused to take office--box office--in the next Liberal
+Cabinet; but whether he will be made an Extra Knight or not is still
+uncertain. Mr. GYE is very Earnest about it, and at present we can say
+no more except that the performance of _I Puritani_ was first-rate, as
+naturally it would be, with ALBANI, enthusiastically received, GAYARRE,
+and D'ANDRADE. There were numerous _encores_, and the applause was
+bestowed with a warmth which increased the temperature considerably.
+
+_At Drury Lane._--A prettier and sweeter voiced _Zerlina_ than Miss
+ARNOLDSON, has not been seen or heard for some time. We must not venture
+on comparisons, but in two respects Miss ARNOLDSON has the advantage
+over Madame PATTI (who was singing in _Traviata_ on Friday night at the
+Colonel's Opera House) but one of these is not voice. M. MAUREL played
+and sang the im-Maurel _Don Giovanni_ admirably, and CIAMPI as
+_Mazetto_, looked and acted like LIONEL BROUGH. A good performance.
+
+[Illustration: "Approbation from Mr. P. is praise indeed!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LONG EXPECTED COME AT LAST!"
+
+THE Imperial Institute has commenced. The first stone has been laid by
+Her Gracious MAJESTY, and the Prince of WALES is sanguine as to the
+result. The Institute is to be a House and Home, with gardens attached,
+for special use of our Indian and Colonial cousins visiting England, and
+it is also intended to keep perpetually before the eyes of the British
+Public specimens of Indian and Colonial industry. To so useful a scheme
+_Mr. Punch_ wishes every success.
+
+Per varios casus, per tot discrimina rerum,
+Tendimus in--Kensington.
+
+The subjoined list of the Procession as it ought to have been, was
+probably altered at the last moment; but there is no doubt it would have
+been effective as it stood, or rather as it moved on:--
+
+  Australian Lambs.    Organising Committee   Mr. BOEHM, R.A., and
+  The Master of the    with various           Mr. GOSCHEN with
+  Mint.                Organs.                new coinage tossing heads.
+
+        Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., drawing himself.
+
+  Groom of the Bedchamber                     "Lord's" in Waiting
+  (on towel-horse).                       (Oxford and Cambridge Eleven).
+
+      The Rajah of SHAMPOOAH, with Order of the Turkish Bath.
+
+                             THE QUEEN.
+
+    Her ROYAL HIGHNESS                H.R.H. Prince of WALES, K.G.
+  The Princess of WALES.          ("K.G.," _i.e._, "Kensington Gained.")
+
+            Any Kings and Queens who may be left in Town.
+
+  Master of the Horse      Ladies in Waiting     Mistress of the Robes
+    on a Buck-jumper.        to be asked.          ("dressing up.")
+
+  Lots of Sticks in        A Serene Grand       "Mr. G," as "Umbrella
+    Waiting (with banners   Transparency          in Waiting."
+    of Advertisements       (personally           (N.B.--This is "Collar
+    in _Era_.)              illuminated           day.")
+                            by Mr. BROCK.)
+
+        Any number of Trumpeters blowing their own Trumpets.
+
+  Little Indian Pickles,    GEO. AUGUSTUS SALA,    Australian Wines,
+    led, with taste, by      with "Echoes," and     headed by Sir
+    Sir P. CUNLIFFE          driving four Quills    "WILL SOMERS"
+    OWEN.                    at once.               VINE.
+
+      Mr. LEWIS MORRIS, with his Ode Colonial, accompanied by
+            Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, on a Grand Piano.
+
+  Mr. HENRY IRVING.                      Mr. J. L. TOOLE.
+    (Last appearance in London           (Last appearance in London
+    previous to his departure             previous Aix-les-Bains.)
+    for America.)
+
+
+      Right Hon. W. H. SMITH, with banner of "Closure."
+
+At a signal from the Archbishop the Chorus will strike up--
+
+  The great Imperial Institoot,
+  In Kensington has taken root,
+  And as a tree up may it shoot!
+  Our Institoot, Our Institoot!
+
+Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN was so overcome by this inspiration, that after
+reading it, he could not compose himself. "No," he exclaimed, "I cannot
+invent music which should be a worthy setting for so precious a gem!
+Give me something more simple," and so it came about that Mr. LEWIS
+MORRIS'S poem was chosen. Whether the above-quoted beautiful _chorale_
+was written by the Earl of R-SSL-N, whose little Jubilee volume of poems
+has so enchanted a select circle, or by another titled and
+unprofessional poet, is a secret which wild horses should not make us
+divulge. Hooray for the Institoot!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: GETTING ONE'S MONEY'S WORTH.
+
+_She._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF SPENDING ALL OUR SUNDAY AFTERNOONS IN WALKING
+ROUND THE SQUARE, WHERE THERE'S NEVER A SOUL AND HARDLY A TREE TO SPEAK
+OF, AND WHEN THERE'S THE PARK CLOSE BY?"
+
+_He._ "WHAT'S THE GOOD OF HAVING TO PAY A GUINEA A YEAR FOR THE USE OF
+THE SQUARE, IF WE DON'T USE IT AS OFTEN AS WE CAN, I SHOULD LIKE TO
+KNOW?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW, AND BAD, "HATCH."
+
+_Mr. Punch loquitur_:--
+
+  WELL, PARTLET, old hen, here's a pretty fiasco
+    The Poultry profession seems going to pot.
+  You might search the whole kingdom, from Greenwich to Glasgow,
+    And never encounter an uglier lot.
+  They're crooked, and cranky, and wry-neck'd, and lanky;
+    I cannot discover one point that is good.
+  What, join in your cackle of triumph? No, thankye!
+    We can't accept _this_ as a Jubilee brood.
+
+  I did expect something a little bit better
+    From one some crack up as the pride of the House.
+  Of decentish broods you have been a begetter,
+    And, though you are dowdy, I thought you had _nous_.
+  But these scraggy scramblers, ill-fledged and ill-fashioned?
+    By Jingo, old bird, they're a perfect disgrace.
+  No wonder the public disgust grows impassioned;
+    They simply degrade a respectable race.
+
+  Just think of the beauties, the silver and gold chicks,
+    That often have left that identical coop!
+  I'm sure there's not one of those comely, plump, bold chicks
+    That would not despise _this_ contemptible troop.
+  They look like the work of a villanous vamper.
+    Just take a glance at 'em, my PARTLET, I beg;
+  They've too much top-hamper, they scarcely can scamper.
+    A shabbier brood, PARTLET, never chipped egg.
+
+  Pray how do you think that the Fancy will class them,
+    So scraggy, and leggy, and bandy, and bald?
+  You'll find it most difficult, PARTLET, to pass them;
+    In fact, 'tis a pity they can't be recalled.
+  I'm really ashamed of 'em; so, Ma'am, should you be.
+    The kindliest hen-wife would banish the batch.
+  What? Say one word for 'em? Now, don't be a booby:
+    You must be aware they're a precious Bad Hatch!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RALEIGH TOO BAD.
+
+SIR WALTER RALEIGH'S old house at Brixton Rise, _Punch_ hears, "is about
+to be sold by public auction", and the surrounding twelve acres of
+"nobly-timbered park", given over--of course, like so much else in that
+once leafy suburb--to the untender mercies of the Jerry Builder. Too
+bad! In the olden days, QUEEN BESS used to be rowed in her barge up the
+Effra (which now, like the Mole, "runneth underground", hidden by earth
+and brickwork, but, not long since, was a visible stream) to visit Sir
+WALTER at what was _then_ his Country House. There were no Interviewers
+in those happy days, else would a "Sir WALTER RALEIGH At Home", with
+"Gloriana" as his guest, be toothsome reading. And shall JUGSON, the
+Jerry-builder, with his mud-bricks and slime-mortar, his warped timber
+and his peeling stucco, banish even the memories of the great
+Elizabethans from their ancient haunts? Forbid it, O Spirit of the
+Jubilee Year! Let the Jubilators RALEIGH--we mean _rally_, round
+RALEIGH'S old Mansion,--
+
+  "Let not his house who witched Old England's eyes
+  Before base JUGSON fall on Brixton Rise."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEN TROVATO AGAIN.--When the Papal Envoy arrived, His Eminence had
+several mansions placed at his disposal. The one he fancied most was
+that offered by Mr. H. LABOUCHERE, M.P., with the appropriate
+designation of "POPE'S Villa, Twickenham."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Hard-worked Official.
+
+  LORD CHAMBERLAIN LATHOM, exhausted is he
+  After this season of Jubilee.
+  "Farewell to my cares at holiday-tide,"
+  Says LATHOM aloud, when he'll _lay them aside_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+As to the Mission of Monsignor PERSICO to Ireland, an Horatian
+Nationalist wrote--"PERSICO'S odi." And he probably does dislike it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW "HATCH."
+
+MR. P. "AH! THEY'RE AN AWFULLY UGLY LOT! I _DID_ THINK THE OLD
+GAUCHE-HEN--(AHEM!)--WOULD HA' DONE BETTER THAN THAT!!"
+
+[_Exit sadly._]]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST VISIT (BUT ONE) TO THE ACADEMY.
+
+[Illustration: No. 518. Left Leg Shrunk.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 624. Her Serene Transparency.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 413. Hard Hit in a Town and Gown Row.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 647. What can we do with the Baby?]
+
+[Illustration: No. 623. Warming his Back against the Soup Tureen.]
+
+[Illustration: No. 253. Pulling the Stuffing out of Toy Terrier.]
+
+A grand flare-up on Thursday last. A Jubilee _Soiree_ worthy of the
+Jubilee Year and the Royal Academicians. Kings, Queens, Royal
+Highnesses, Grand Dukes and Duchesses have become so common this Jubilee
+month, that, when some _blase_ and well-seasoned Londoner is asked who
+such and such a decorated person is, he languidly replies, "Oh! only a
+King, or something of that sort."
+
+There was a private Royal Night on Wednesday, when only Royalty and The
+Forty R.A.'s were present,--"The Forty" did something in the oil and
+colour line, as we gather from _The Arabian Nights_, revised edition, by
+Lady BURTON,--and, of course, _Mr. Punch_, who is everywhere on every
+occasion, and who, in a general way, represents H.R.H. Everybody.
+
+On Thursday night, T.R.H. Everybody and Everybody Else were present, and
+the scene was brilliant. Sir FREDERICK, a Prince among Presidents and a
+President among Princes, graciously welcomed the guests. He was assisted
+by Sir EVERETT MILLAIS and Treasurer HORSLEY, who appeared rather weary,
+perhaps tired of counting the shillings, or worried by the uncertainty
+of the monetary value of the BOEHM silver currency.
+
+The Queen of the Pictures is still Professor HERKOMER'S Lady in black
+with the long gloves. She lingers in our memory, and will do so for many
+a long day. May we never see her _in propria persona_, or disappointment
+might be our dole. The Lady in the picture cannot age. Even amidst all
+the living breathing beauty collected within those walls on Thursday
+last, the Lady on the wall, if we may so put it, "took the
+cake,"--though she didn't take it all, as there was plenty left for Miss
+MARY ANDERSON, Miss DOROTHY DENE, and some other charming ladies. One
+more visit to the Royal Academy, and then the Show for 1887 will have
+passed away. Then, after a brief holiday, the Artists will be again at
+work, according to their individual taste and fancy, taking (lucky
+_gourmets_!) each one just what best suits his palette. _Au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIBERNIA TO THE QUEEN.
+
+(_On the occasion of the Visit of Princes Victor and George of Wales._)
+
+  YOUR MAJESTY'S Grandsons I welcomed with joy,
+    At a time when I'm horribly worried;
+  ALBERT VICTOR and GEORGE--he's a broth of a boy--
+    Their visit was brief and too hurried.
+
+  Ah, then, if your MAJESTY'S self we could see,
+    Sure we'd drop every grumble and quarrel.
+  Stay a month in the year with my children and me,
+    'Twould be a nice change from Balmoral.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE Wild West Kensington Indians were not permitted to go to Henley last
+week. It was thought that the sight of so many sculls would be too much
+for them, and that they would immediately want to scalp everybody. Why
+doesn't the Honourable Colonel BUFFALO BILL CODY engage "SQUASH," and
+give him a show on a buck-jumper? Something amusing is wanted to enliven
+the Wild West Scenes in the Circle, and "SQUASH" is just the sort of
+droll required.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOG AND MAGOG AT THE BALL.
+
+        The Jubilee Ball,
+        Held at Guildhall
+  Last week, on Tuesday night,
+        A great success;
+        All must confess
+  It was a glorious sight.
+
+        The Giants twain
+        Imbibed champagne.
+  Says Magog to Gog, "What fun!"
+        Says Gog, "For a crown
+        I couldn't get down
+  As we ought when the clock strikes one."
+
+        Says Magog to Gog,
+        "You jolly old dog,
+  With the same idea I'm imbued.
+        We ought to descend,
+        But we can't, my friend;
+  On our pedestals we're screwed."
+
+        To save their renown,
+        They didn't come down.
+  Be sure they acted right.
+        The jovial pair
+        Remained where they were;
+  Gog and Magog stopped up all night!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE President and Fellows having, at a recent meeting at South
+Kensington, by their Resolutions shown, spite their difficulties, a
+disposition to ride the high horse, their body will henceforth be known
+as the Royal Haughty-cultural Society.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT THE AMERICAN EXHIBITION.
+
+I'VE paid my second wisit to this most emusing place, and have to report
+a grate improvement in its inside, witch is gradawally a filling up like
+an hungry Alderman at a nice rich fust class dinner.
+
+But this time I paid speshal attention to the outside emusements, and
+them as carnt find no fun and xcitement in them, had better go off at
+wunce to the Amerrycan Bar for a "Coaxer," and that, as I found, will
+soon pick him up. I never saw such a site as BUFFERLOW BILL'S Wild West
+in South Kensington, the werry recklekshun of it sets me off so that I
+must pull myself together with one of BERTRAM'S "Brighton Steadiers," or
+I shall get too exsited to write strait.
+
+[Illustration: Robert Tobogganing.]
+
+Well, I spose it was because they was jest a little late that the whole
+blooming lot of 'em, Amerrycans and Cow Boys, and Mexicans and Injians
+with their Squalls and Porposes, and Gals a riding like gals generally
+rides, and Gals a riding like men, all cum a galloping in at such a
+whirling pace that it litorally took away all my pore breth, and they
+screamed as they galloped, and their crimson and blue and scarlet and
+yeller clokes all shone in the sunlight and fluttered in the breeze, and
+when they came jest in front of me, where I was setting with dignerty in
+a reserwed seat at the small charge of 1s., they pulled up bang, as if
+they was all shot, and all sat as still as mice.
+
+Well, then we had a hole carrywan of settlers for life attacked as they
+was agoing quietly along by a hole army of wild Injians, and defended by
+BUFFERLOW BILL and his bold Cow Boys, and a grand fight it was. Plenty
+of firing, but not enuff execushun for to friten the ladies, for the
+jest a few was killed in the dedly combat, they all got up and rode away
+after the battle was over; so I spose as they was ony shamming jest to
+deceeve the enemy.
+
+[Illustration: A Little Indian Rubber.]
+
+Curiosity, which is the Waiter's weekness, makes me inquire, why so many
+Cow Boys when there aint not no Cows? We wound up with a Bufferlow hunt,
+but as the animals was jest as uncurry-combed and as dirty as afore, I
+gammoned Mrs. ROBERT, who was with me, that it was ardly a site for a
+reel dellycat lady to witness, so we went off to see the Toboggening,
+and grate fun it was to look at. But, to my extreme estonishment nothink
+wood do but Mrs. ROBERT must try it, and, in spite of all my
+remonstrances, I presently found myself a seated with my bitter arf on
+the top of an high hill, about to be launched hedlong on our wild career
+with ony a piece of rope to guide us and nothink to stop us. Oh, that
+dedly moment of hezitashun! and then the rush through the hair with
+sitch litening speed as made Mrs. ROBERT give jest a little squeal. How
+any sane person having wunce tried this new game, which recalled to fond
+memory the sensashun of my fust swing, can wish to repeat the dose, I
+carnt understand. He suttenly ought to have the stummuck of a
+Horsestrich rather than of a Halderman. The fond partner of my fate
+having a little hedake after her rash xperryment, which she insisted
+upon declaring was owing to the rifle-shooting, I adwised her to leave
+the noisy scene and seek the cumfort of her quiet home, promising to
+jine her hurly, so she went. I was afterwards asked to try the
+Switch-back Railway, but learning from a prewious wictim as how the
+sensation reminded him of the fust time as he crossed the Channel, I
+declined with thanks.
+
+Hoping to meet with the Kernel who had promised to introduce me to the
+Hon. Mr. WILLIAM BUFFERLOW, Esquire, wulgerly called BUFFERLOW BILL, I
+sauntered round to the Injians encampment, but was there told he had
+gone to dine with some other Savages at the Savage Club, so I coudn't
+see him. Howsumever I fell into conwersation with one of the tip-top
+managers, and he introduced me to sum of the principal Braves, as they
+calls 'em, and their Squaws, and porposes. They was worry affable and
+perlite, as I'm told as all reel savages is, but I carnt say much for
+their hartistick taste. There was one savage lady with a savage dorter
+and a pickaninny about rising four, as grately surprised me. The yung
+lady wood have bin werry good looking if her Ma had let her alone, but
+she had painted her two cheeks such a brite skarlet that skarlet runners
+is nothing to 'em, and as for the pore little chap his hole face was
+painted a greenish yeller, like a werry bad case of jarndice, and all
+his air a brite green. But such is my natral perliteness, that when his
+fond Ma held him up to me and said, "Lookee, lookee, ain't him Booty?" I
+said, "Oh! yessee, yessee!" I didn't dare to kiss it, for fear its face
+wood have stuck to mine, witch woudn't ha bin nice.
+
+I spent a werry plessent evening with the principle performers such as
+RED SHIRT, and CUT MEAT, and sum others, and whenever the conwersashun
+flagged I surgested a adjurnment to the Amerrycan Bar, and we allus
+tried a new drink, and this I will say for my forren frends that they
+took them all with the same coolness as if they had been the native
+drinks of the Far West End. The larst one we tried was called "A Yard of
+flannel," and for warmth and cumfort it was well-named, but somehows I
+fancy it must ha bin rayther a staggerer, for I remember werry little of
+what took place afterwards. But I have sum dim recklekshun of playing at
+cards with two Chiefs and a Squaw, and that one of them had a dress on
+sumthink like a porky-pine with his squills, and that I lost my money,
+and that sum familyer voice said, "Why, ROBERT, you've lost your Injian
+Rubber!" at witch we all larfed. How I got home I don't werry well
+remember, but I do remember, and shall probberbly never forget, the
+werry warm recepshun I met when at length I arrived there, or the nex
+morning's hed hake. I don't think I shall try "a yard of flannel," again
+in an hurry.
+
+  ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Children's Nautical Festival.
+
+ON the occasion of the Great Naval Review, Lord CHARLES BERESFORD,
+remembering Mr. EDWARD LAWSON'S Hyde Park success, intends to stand
+treat to all the Buoys round the Coast. The Best Buoy will receive a
+present from Her Gracious MAJESTY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM
+
+THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, June 27._--Back again to the Coercion Bill.
+Report Stage reached, and strong whips out on both sides in anticipation
+of Division. Both Front Benches crowded like the rest. GLADSTONE in his
+place, as eager to make speech as if it were his first on the subject.
+HARTINGTON there too, and CHAMBERLAIN, making, with HENEAGE, a brave
+show on end of Front Bench. GLADSTONE spoke early. A full House, but
+everyone bored to death. Later, House thinned to degree that invited a
+count; but at sound of bell Members held in hand for Division, swooped
+down, got themselves counted, saved the sitting, and straightway fled
+again.
+
+GEORGE CAMPBELL concerned in interests of Protestant Church. A Papal
+Envoy been received by QUEEN to present Jubilee congratulations. Was
+that an exceptional privilege for an Ecclesiastic? Would the Brahmin
+Head of Benares be allowed to approach HER MAJESTY in similar way? No
+answer. Would the Grand Imaum of Mecca?
+
+The Under-Secretary of State shivered in his shoes, but still no
+response.
+
+Then Sir GEORGE, uplifting his voice to its most melodious heights,
+produced his poser:--"Would the Moderator of the Free Church of Scotland
+enjoy such a privilege?"
+
+Old Morality and his colleagues on the Treasury Bench began to grow
+uneasy. No saying where CAMPBELL'S list might end. FERGUSSON whispered
+to and nudged till, propped on his feet, he feebly urged that Moderator
+of Free Church of Scotland does not come under the category of a Foreign
+Potentate. A poor quibble this. But CAMPBELL generously disinclined to
+push his advantage, and Government escaped immediate defeat.
+
+Growing excitement as Division on JOHN MORLEY'S Amendment restricting
+duration of Act to three years approached. RITCHIE has invented new way
+of taking Division. Members as anxious to try it as nursery of children
+to handle new toy. At first some little difficulty in understanding it.
+Members crowded round RITCHIE and asked how it was done.
+
+"Nothing easier or clearer," he said. "There are six doors, which we
+will call A, B, C, D, E, and F. As soon as division bell rings, F is
+closed. B is left half open. Members voting 'Aye' pass through the A
+door and meet the 'Noes' coming through D. A and C are then
+simultaneously shut. If B is open, the 'Ayes' and the 'Noes,' having
+seen E closed, form in one stream, pass through, and there you are.
+Don't you see?"
+
+[Illustration: Young 'Olden.]
+
+Everybody saw quite clearly. Quite a pleasure to see ISAAC HOLDEN
+(_etat._ eighty, but full of youthful vigour) starting off to try the
+new experiment. Got through all right. But, half an hour later, GILBERT
+GREENALL found in recesses of ventilating cellars, where, he said, he
+was "looking for door E."
+
+_Business done._--Report on Coercion Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--WILFRID LAWSON made admirable suggestion to-night. Proposes
+that, when titles or honours are conferred upon anyone, a statement
+should accompany announcement, setting forth the public services on
+account of which the honour has been conferred. It is so done in respect
+of Victoria Cross. List of Honours conferred in connection with Jubilee
+show the necessity of extending custom.
+
+"Who's he?" said Sir BORTHWICK, Bart., looking down the _Gazette_ when
+it came out. "Never heard of him, nor him either. I seem to be really
+the only distinguished person in the lot."
+
+List notable not only for what it includes but for what it omits. House
+of Commons united in expectation of one recognition, looked for in vain.
+If "Barnets" were to be made in Jubilee time, why was JOSEPH GILLIS
+overlooked? This thought in everyone's mind, as JOEY B. turned up
+to-night telling in a division against the Government. His public
+appearance now so rare that its recurrence was an event. Since he came
+into possession of Castle Butlerstown the alteration, long-working, made
+sudden and complete advance. His moustache, now past the indefinite
+stage, is an unquestionable reality, and to see JOEY B. twirling it _a
+la_ RANDOLPH, is a delight to the quiet mind. JOSEPH feels his new
+responsibilities. When reproached by TIM HEALY with his excessive
+respectability he is not moved.
+
+[Illustration: "Who's he?"]
+
+"It's all very well for you, TIM, to be brow-beating the SPEAKER,
+interrupting Hon. Members opposite, moving the adjournment and the like.
+But it's different for a man who has a Castle, a drawbridge, a moat, and
+a moustache."
+
+Characteristic infelicity on the part of the Government to have
+neglected this opportunity of recognising a reformed character. JOEY B.
+is now a credit to the House. It would have been to the credit of the
+Government had his friends been able to hail him as Sir JOSEPH GILLIS
+BIGGAR, Bart., of Butlerstown Castle.
+
+_Business done._--Coercion Bill again.
+
+_Thursday._--"He! he!" said Old Morality, his white teeth shedding pale
+light over Treasury Bench. "Capital joke! Hope they'll often repeat it."
+
+Capital it was, and so unexpected, too. Secret admirably kept, and
+sprung upon amazed House with marvellous effect. After questions, O. M.
+moved Resolutions providing for discussion on Report Stage of Coercion
+Bill being peremptorily closed at Seven o'Clock on Monday night.
+
+"The Early Closing Association," said Sir WILFRID LAWSON, looking across
+at Noble Lords and Right Hon. Gentlemen arrayed on Treasury Bench in
+support of this Motion.
+
+Parnellites of course hostile to Motion. But more particularly enraged
+because O. M. in moving it had not spoken single sentence.
+
+"Come, come," said JOHN DILLON, "this is too bad. If we are to lose our
+liberties, let us, at least, have a speech in support of the
+proposition."
+
+But O. M. obdurately silent, and debate kept up for three hours from
+Opposition side. Then Division taken, and Motion carried by majority of
+a round hundred. After this, Ministers looked forward to another
+wearisome evening, with Friday to follow, and more talk through Monday
+up to fatal Seven o'Clock. Here's where the joke came in. The
+Opposition, returning from Division Lobby after voting on Closure
+Proposition, continued their march through the House and cleared out by
+the door. Ministers watched process with amazement, growing into
+apprehension, and finally broadening into a grin of delight as the joke
+flashed upon them. Having given Government the trouble of preparing,
+moving and carrying Resolution, fixing closure of debate on Monday
+evening, Irish Members not going to debate at all! The Government might
+take their Report Stage; which they did, and before you could say "W. H.
+SMITH," the Report Stage of the Coercion Bill was agreed to, and House,
+scarcely recovered from surprise, was engaged upon miscellaneous
+business of the Orders of the day.
+
+_Friday, Midnight._--Since dinner-time there has been exhilarating scene
+in Palace Yard. Nearly every 'bus that has passed has dropped a Duchess
+at the gate. Four-wheelers, conveying Countesses, have regularly filed
+in; whilst, what Sir ROBERT PEEL would call "Noble Baronesses," have
+arrived on foot. As distinguished Novelist somewhere writes, "Lo! a
+strange thing has happened." On ordinary days House of Lords, which
+commences public business at 5.30, adjourns about 5.37. At this hour of
+midnight House still sitting, and no sign of Adjournment. Irish Land
+Bill under debate. Subject irresistible to Noble Lords. Have foregone
+their late afternoon drive in the Park. More than one has patriotically
+dined on a chop.
+
+A flush of honest pride mantles many a noble countenance. All very well
+for the Commons to boast of their long sittings; but see what the Peers
+can do when duty calls! At first a little consternation at the arrivals
+from without. But even that turns out well. There were stories of
+anxious wives communicating with House of Commons during All-night
+Sittings, and finding errant husbands not there. But here are Noble
+Lords unflinchingly serving their country, remaining at their post,
+whate'er betide.
+
+A beautiful and a soothing sight, which affects to tears some of the
+Commons, who sit in the Gallery, and look down upon it.
+
+_Business done._--Lords pass Report Stage of Irish Land Bill.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"HOME, SWEET HOME!"
+
+(_New Version, by a Much-Worn-out M.P._)
+
+  "The welcome cry, 'Who goes home' sounds like a melancholy dirge
+  through the rapidly-emptying lobbies."--Mr. OSBORNE MORGAN, M.P.,
+  _in the_ "_Nineteenth Century_."
+
+  MIDST clauses and paragraphs though we may roam.
+  Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+  A charm undefined seems to hallow it there,
+  After TANNER'S loud shindy and CONYBEARE'S blare.
+    Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"
+    Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+
+  An exile from office, I will not complain,
+  Give me only my calm "beauty sleep" once again;
+  The birds singing sweetly at dawn be my lot
+  To hear, not loud torrents of partisan rot.
+    Home! Home! Sweet, sweet "Home!"
+    Be it ever so dirge-like, there's no cry like "Home!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CRICKET AT LORD'S.
+
+_Hits by Dumb Crambo, Jun._
+
+[Illustration: A Patient Innings.]
+
+[Illustration: A Cut in front of Point.]
+
+[Illustration: Over!]
+
+[Illustration: Last Man. His usual form.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether
+MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in
+no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, July 9, 1887., by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH-CHARIVARI, JULY 9, 1887 ***
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