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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Handbook of Conundrums
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note: The symbol _ (underscore) has generally been used
+to indicate italics. However, when only partial words have been
+italicized this has instead been indicated using capital letters.
+
+
+
+
+ THE HANDBOOK
+ OF
+ CONUNDRUMS
+
+ BY
+
+ EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+ Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and
+ "Synonyms and Antonyms."
+
+ NEW YORK
+
+ GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+ Copyright, 1914, by
+ SULLY and KLEINTEICH
+
+ Copyright, 1915, by
+ SULLY and KLEINTEICH
+
+ All rights reserved
+
+ PRINTED IN U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits.
+It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of
+broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the
+best steel of fancy.
+
+Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of
+remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for
+the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn.
+There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface.
+
+Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to
+cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that
+between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit
+of laughter only and the wit of insight.
+
+                                                         E. B. O.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to
+which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint
+expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated
+riddle and the impromptu pun.
+
+With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of
+likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was
+carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting
+into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is
+the logical product.
+
+The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be
+witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds
+have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an
+impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to
+fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for
+thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course.
+
+The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and,
+while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote,
+is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of
+wit which enlighten and cheer.
+
+The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect
+in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess
+riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of
+this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very
+high,--often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a
+contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of
+the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in
+competition with the god Odin.
+
+So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves
+herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles.
+Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played
+with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked
+on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from
+death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle.
+
+The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and
+this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher
+intelligence which makes for wisdom.
+
+Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the
+strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which
+the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the
+Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out
+of the strong came forth sweetness."
+
+Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of
+wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in
+his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that
+Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more
+ready with them than with repartees."
+
+The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek
+mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the
+body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon
+a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to
+all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but
+killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and
+their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city.
+Oedipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had
+shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the
+city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him
+the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet,
+at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Oedipus replied,
+"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks
+erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx
+thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans
+made Oedipus king.
+
+ [1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art"
+ (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).
+
+There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and
+Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with
+vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we
+caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept."
+
+Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs
+the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?"
+The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave
+no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and
+legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The
+voice."
+
+The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in
+"The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were
+written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern
+sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some
+of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.
+
+In the early half of the seventeenth century there were published
+several small books, which contain the sources of many of the
+conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together
+by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books"
+(London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630,
+1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and
+approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle
+is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these
+books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a
+considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright
+sayings of the day.
+
+The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English
+Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of
+these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to
+discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is
+notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn
+de Worde in 1511, namely:
+
+  "_Demaund._ How many straws go to a goose's nest?
+
+  "_A._ None, for lack of feet.
+
+Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through
+the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in
+different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and
+conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The
+following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful
+young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The
+ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the
+class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having
+requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled
+by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn"
+(_Vicissim_, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled.
+
+When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court
+Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little
+Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the
+Archbishop.
+
+Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many
+changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An
+example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum
+as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5:
+
+  _Clown._ Good madonna, why mournest thou?
+
+  _Olivia._ Good fool, for my brother's death.
+
+  _Clown._ I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
+
+  _Olivia._ I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
+
+  _Clown._ The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul
+  being in heaven.
+
+While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of
+the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked
+pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names
+of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at
+once judges and prisoners at the bar.
+
+Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis
+of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any
+subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the
+King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder.
+
+The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and
+the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He
+was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion,
+not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the
+inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown":
+"They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell."
+
+A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the
+best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of
+equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide.
+
+Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form
+of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he
+could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man
+under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied
+Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship."
+
+The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury
+Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined
+at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be
+"very sharp set."
+
+The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in
+regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to
+expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the
+stile (style)."
+
+From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum,
+which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a
+general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly
+constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by
+negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new
+analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile
+in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to
+historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and
+places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the
+humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten.
+
+There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a
+period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than
+anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period,
+or those that center around a great event, would make most
+illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often
+more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have
+been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians,
+said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of
+Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of
+posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as
+from that of the contemporary chroniclers.
+
+John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one
+of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the
+forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the
+dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the
+publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had
+many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt
+that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe
+assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations
+of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make
+increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author
+here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as
+well as from the unpublished current wit of the day.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  INTRODUCTION                                        7
+
+  Chapter                                          Page
+
+     I. EARLY ENGLISH WIT                             1
+
+    II. MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS                      18
+
+   III. BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS                          20
+
+    IV. HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS                        30
+
+     V. CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD           38
+
+    VI. GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS                      44
+
+   VII. LITERARY CONUNDRUMS                          52
+
+  VIII. CONUNDRUMS OF THE ALPHABET                   60
+
+    IX. GENERAL CONUNDRUMS                           73
+
+     X. CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS             183
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+EARLY ENGLISH WIT
+
+
+In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter,
+the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present
+day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is
+adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he
+answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.
+
+A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to
+keep his lawyer warm.
+
+"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep
+the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the
+defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might
+perhaps fall together by the ears."
+
+A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The
+servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows
+than such hard words.
+
+What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost
+every book?[2]
+
+ [2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches,
+ Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind,
+ and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's
+ plays were written by _Mr. Preface_ or _Mr. Finis_.
+
+A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go
+handsome in their clothes.
+
+An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as
+Dutchmen do cheese.
+
+It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are
+mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but
+action."
+
+A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon
+tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body.
+
+One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found
+him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.
+
+A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put
+away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."
+
+It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of
+handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either
+of them shall die a beggar."
+
+Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because
+the first woman was made of a crooked thing.
+
+One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least
+was to be chosen."
+
+A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his
+profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of
+Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of
+mad men, and he would give it to them again.
+
+The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is
+"nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets
+his living."
+
+"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had
+founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know
+that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders
+(co-founders) of that hospital you speak of."
+
+It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by
+the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.
+
+A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked
+that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.
+
+Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted
+with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a
+deeper knowledge of it than any others.
+
+"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he
+be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."
+
+"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun,
+for he hath always many irons in the fire."
+
+The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it
+the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit,"
+embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."
+
+Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than
+other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have
+extraordinary reach.
+
+Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at
+rest.
+
+It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to
+learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help
+themselves.
+
+Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their
+business without a rule.
+
+A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do
+with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or
+anything else.
+
+Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims
+it; if ill, the earth covers it.
+
+A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part
+them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and
+wife."
+
+Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would
+never be stifled with fire and smoke.
+
+Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do
+anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).
+
+Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never
+think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to
+their vices.
+
+It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never
+says anything that he can stand to.
+
+"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will,
+though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are
+still stable men."
+
+A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates
+him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems
+what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he
+truly is.
+
+Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as
+content in rags as in robes.
+
+"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate
+upon their backs.
+
+An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he
+undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient
+shall see he does it.
+
+He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before
+he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a
+pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
+
+Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are
+always employed in mending soles.
+
+A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the
+reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could
+not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
+
+A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her
+spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended
+herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great
+cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way
+home reeling.
+
+An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under
+his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For,"
+he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all
+the sextons in the town."
+
+A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from
+which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion
+laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a
+stone swim.
+
+One who had received a threat that another would break his head with
+a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a
+stone."
+
+A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who
+had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the
+sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to
+visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
+
+The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to
+hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as
+well as any man."
+
+A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the
+proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was
+for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the
+gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had
+promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his
+promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.
+
+"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a
+farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a
+great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth
+anything at all."
+
+A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what
+business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great
+importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am
+afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider.
+"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."
+
+Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill
+or bond? I O U.
+
+Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are
+now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the
+masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."
+
+A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and
+came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the
+peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?"
+"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had
+lost your senses, that you talk so idly."
+
+One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of
+St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are
+these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir,"
+said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."
+
+A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown
+paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown
+study.
+
+"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the
+soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are
+sure to be beaten."
+
+Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.
+
+How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.
+
+Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a
+silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over
+that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the
+matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it,
+yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.
+
+One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the
+name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long
+grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than
+that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves
+that he had made.
+
+A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was
+ever after called "Master W."
+
+One was wondering why the people of Ęthiopia did not write straight
+along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote
+under the line, and that was the reason of it.
+
+A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that
+he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which
+he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way
+to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill
+could never dye well.
+
+What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.
+
+An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble
+enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness
+when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an
+apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.
+
+What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a
+playhouse? A box.
+
+One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the
+streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It
+was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly
+meet with a watch as with anything else.
+
+One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's
+clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told
+him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.
+
+A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the
+ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him
+the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great
+fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."
+
+The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that
+prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.
+
+A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and
+called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none,
+and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.
+
+A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that
+country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the
+river, for it came without calling.
+
+A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to
+London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came
+furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at
+the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground,
+exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up
+the stones, and let the dogs loose!"
+
+A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah,
+if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or
+else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank
+your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to
+be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."
+
+A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by
+his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied.
+"Do you not see that I am becalmed?"
+
+Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I
+answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied
+that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted
+for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing.
+
+(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the
+purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following
+conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they
+were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.
+
+Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat
+body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
+
+Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.
+
+One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which
+is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him
+why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so
+near heaven again.
+
+What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the
+devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.)
+
+Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air.
+
+What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary.
+
+Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit
+faults with license.
+
+Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are
+lunatic. (This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by
+Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.)
+
+It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were
+not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the
+reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year."
+
+One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays"
+(1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little
+or no waste in a whole suit."
+
+The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the
+study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal.
+
+A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse
+toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at
+full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the
+way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you,
+if he were as wild as the devil.'
+
+    "This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,
+    And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx,
+    But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3]
+    To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."
+
+     [3] Sufficient.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages.
+
+How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read
+of his struggles with the tight-uns (Titans).
+
+What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
+
+Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a
+goddess? Because she's a second floorer (Flora).
+
+Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune?
+Because he's a sea-king (a-seeking) what never was.
+
+If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really
+haven't an ocean (a notion).
+
+If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river,
+what classical name might she mention? You row, pa (Europa).
+
+Why is Orpheus always in bad company? Because you never see him
+without a lyre.
+
+If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the Bay of Salamis, what would he
+have been when he came out? A dripping Pan.
+
+What did Io die of? Io-dide of potassium.
+
+When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on
+without his club.
+
+What girl does Echo think can best answer questions? Ann, sir.
+
+Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his
+swim) only.
+
+Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it is
+always drawn with the drag-on.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve,
+which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam."
+
+At what time of day was Adam born? A little before Eve.
+
+Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no
+Eve.
+
+How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice
+(Paradise) was taken away from them.
+
+What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the
+expulsion? Adamantine (Adam ain't in).
+
+Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.
+
+At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.
+
+What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
+
+Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
+
+Who was first interested in horse racing? Adam--he was the father of
+the race.
+
+How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam,
+too, and the devil won,--eleven in all.
+
+What one word will name the common parent of both beasts and man?
+A-dam.
+
+What was the first surgical operation performed without the aid of
+instruments? The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made into a wife.
+
+Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife?
+Because she was cut out especially for him.
+
+How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden? Put out.
+
+Why were the gates of Eden shut after Adam and Eve went out? To keep
+the dam(p) air out.
+
+What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
+
+Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em).
+
+For what was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.
+
+What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot.
+
+Who first introduced walking-sticks? Eve gave Adam a little Cain.
+
+What kind of cottages did Adam's sons prefer? Cottages with eaves
+(Eves).
+
+Was our mother Eve High or Low Church? Adam thought her
+Eve-angelical.
+
+What did Adam and Eve do when they got out of Eden? Raised Cain.
+
+Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Because it had a pair-in (paring).
+
+When was the first gambling? When Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise
+(pair o' dice) for an apple.
+
+When did fruit first begin to swear? When the apple damned the first
+pair.
+
+Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam--he was first in the
+human race.
+
+How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was able (Abel).
+
+Why was Cain's murder like the main strength of his leg? Because it
+was a sin-new.
+
+How can a whipping be ordered for a boy in five Old Testament names?
+Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel.
+
+Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it
+springs a knowledge of good and evil.
+
+What was four weeks old when Cain was born, and is not yet five? The
+moon.
+
+Who first introduced salt pork into the Navy? Noah, when he took Ham
+into the ark.
+
+Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although
+the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (Hierarch).
+
+In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him?
+In the ark.
+
+Which animal took most luggage into the ark, and which the least? The
+elephant, who had his trunk; while the fox and the cock had only a
+brush and a comb between them.
+
+Who was the greatest financier of early times? Noah,--he floated his
+stock when all the world was in liquidation.
+
+Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
+
+What was Noah busy about in the ark? Preserving pairs.
+
+Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Archives.
+
+How do we know that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo
+went in with hops, and the bear was always _Bruin_.
+
+What did the cat say when she looked out of the window of the ark? Is
+that Ararat?
+
+In what order did Noah come from the ark? He came forth.
+
+When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his
+forefathers.
+
+Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit? They thought that it
+was a good opening for the young man.
+
+Where is the theater mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph left the
+family circle and went into the pit.
+
+Who had the first free entrance into a theater? Joseph, when he got
+into the pit for nothing.
+
+What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died--and
+a part of whose shroud is on every dining table? Lot's wife.
+
+What did Lot do when his wife turned to salt? Got a fresh one.
+
+What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, reminds us of a
+gladiatorial show at Rome? The bulrushes.
+
+Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all
+the Ten Commandments at once.
+
+Where are bank checks mentioned in the Bible? Pharaoh got a check on
+the bank of the Red Sea--crossed by Moses and Co.
+
+Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she drew a little
+prophet from the rushes on the bank.
+
+What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses? He found him more plague
+than prophet.
+
+How do we know that there was a panic in the early days of Moses?
+Because there were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and Pharaoh's
+daughter withdrew a valuable deposit.
+
+Why do we assume that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen
+with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.
+
+If you were to throw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it
+become? Wet.
+
+Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible? The
+Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth.
+
+What is the difference between the ancient Israelites and modern
+washstands? The former had hewers of wood and drawers of water; the
+latter have ewers of water and drawers of wood.
+
+Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because
+of the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
+
+How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his
+followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), and when
+Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, all but-ter (but her)
+went into the desert.
+
+Who was the oldest man that ever lived, yet who died before his
+father did? Methuselah: his father Enoch did not die, but was
+translated.
+
+If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name
+would that animal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, Dick).
+
+What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun.
+
+Who took the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua
+countermanded the Sun.
+
+Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him
+with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before.
+
+How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty
+stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty.
+
+What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouth?
+Agag.
+
+What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? The one was
+king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
+
+Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor.
+
+Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? Absalom.
+
+In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic.
+
+Why would Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so
+easily bring down the house.
+
+Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday like Nebuchadnezzar in his
+debased condition? Because it was my tumbler (might humbler).
+
+What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in
+Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer.
+
+Who was the first unfortunate speculator? Jonah, because he got taken
+in.
+
+What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and
+Jonah? The whale got all the prophet.
+
+Why was the whale which swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has
+retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet)
+out of the water.
+
+How did Jonah feel when the whale was going to swallow him? Down in
+the mouth--as if he was going to blubber.
+
+What divine law did the whale obey when he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was
+a stranger and he took him in.
+
+Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up.
+
+Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from the modern theologians?
+Because while he disagreed with the whale, they disagree about him.
+
+Why was John the Baptist like a penny? Because he was one cent
+(sent).
+
+Who won the first horse race in the Bible? Herodias' daughter when
+she got a head of John the Baptist on a charger.
+
+When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? When he comes out of
+some area (Samaria).
+
+Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The
+widow's mite, and the wicked flee.
+
+Why is a good wife like the devil? While the husbandman sleepeth, she
+seweth (soweth) tears (tares).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest.
+What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King
+of England.
+
+When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his
+subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign.
+
+Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither
+lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet.
+
+What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call
+his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!"
+(Mameluke).
+
+What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles
+(Themistocles).
+
+Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Cęsar? The
+miserable Cinna (sinner).
+
+What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar?
+One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
+
+Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas
+Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
+
+Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great
+composers of modern times.
+
+Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough
+out of him.
+
+The name of what character in history would a person mention in
+asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up
+the grate).
+
+Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did
+was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the
+volunteers intend doing.
+
+Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the
+empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.
+
+When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine,
+and where? He took a chop at the King's Head.
+
+Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation?
+Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop.
+
+Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every
+man had one kilt before the battle began.
+
+Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known?
+Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed)
+like one of these.
+
+What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early
+Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).
+
+If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages,
+why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an
+M. P. raw (emperor).
+
+Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan?
+Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
+
+When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
+
+What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a
+crown.
+
+In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as
+different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the
+other by knights.
+
+Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the
+first man who entered it.
+
+Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought
+it a good opening for a young man.
+
+What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and
+we (the English) one (won).
+
+What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers?
+The battle of Assay(e).
+
+Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history
+of England? Chap. I.
+
+Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phoenicia
+to Greece.
+
+Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his
+fortieth year.
+
+What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O
+(Scipio).
+
+Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris?
+Just as he left the rain (reign) was over.
+
+Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because
+the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar).
+
+If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial
+name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).
+
+Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it
+was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.
+
+Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be
+execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and
+they are wretchedly slow.
+
+Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats
+of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got
+reverses.
+
+Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a
+Solon (sole on).
+
+Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among
+explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World.
+
+What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of
+the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other
+used to put a cask (casque) on his head.
+
+What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G
+(effigy)?
+
+How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because
+England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs.
+
+What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One
+was a WONder, the other a TUdor.
+
+What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory.
+
+It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The
+letter "m."
+
+Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers).
+
+Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best
+card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs;
+workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of
+losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.
+
+Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did
+not agree with him.
+
+When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved
+the Pope's bull.
+
+Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was
+able to make out his policy.
+
+What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the
+fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were
+Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses.
+
+What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of
+A-gin-court.
+
+What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her).
+
+What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans.
+
+What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck.
+
+What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name
+and--hang him.
+
+Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it
+gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old
+World and the New? The former was discovered by _Columba_, who
+started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
+
+What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman?
+One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.
+
+Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George
+Washington, for he was the father of his country.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD
+
+
+Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in
+one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other
+Washington was bound to defend the army.
+
+Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the
+seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it
+breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A.
+Lincoln) to history.
+
+Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United
+States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).
+
+Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter?
+Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which
+an unusual amount of interest is attached.
+
+Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers?
+Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their
+return.
+
+Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he
+governs by Can(n)on Law.
+
+Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it
+will not dissolve.
+
+Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers'
+vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).
+
+Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the
+product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.
+
+Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put?
+Beaure-guard.
+
+Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for
+ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.
+
+Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city
+employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping
+the streets.
+
+In what relation does the President of the United States stand to
+Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).
+
+Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our
+Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone.
+
+Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse
+to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much
+"cheek" already.
+
+Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is
+the author of "Great Expectations."
+
+Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are
+for privateers (private ears).
+
+Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L.
+
+Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge.
+
+Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because
+he looks to Seward (seaward).
+
+How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to
+_enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States.
+
+Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by
+deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors.
+
+Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's
+mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it.
+
+Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any
+other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of
+secession and the end of Jeff Davis.
+
+Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of
+regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be
+receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard).
+
+Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end.
+
+Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other
+State? Because she has sent even her Banks.
+
+Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before
+Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in
+strong for the Union.
+
+Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern
+Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede).
+
+Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she
+has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.
+
+What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy
+and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan).
+
+What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the
+enemy.
+
+Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated.
+
+Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters.
+
+Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles.
+
+What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India?
+The season which brings the monsoon.
+
+How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because
+she gives her countenance to it.
+
+Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston?
+Because they are well hooped.
+
+How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet.
+
+Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
+even passable.
+
+Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it
+rains hard.
+
+Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled
+bosoms.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey
+upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the
+destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece.
+
+What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames--between
+Chel-sea and Batter-sea.
+
+When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye)
+water.
+
+Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In
+Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in
+England, on the Thames, there are lighter men.
+
+What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork.
+
+What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly,
+Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira.
+
+Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The
+state of matrimony.
+
+Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a
+port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her).
+
+How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
+Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
+
+Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land
+(whole island).
+
+If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference
+in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along.
+
+Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are
+two-tonics (Teutonics).
+
+What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno,
+because there Arno boats there.
+
+Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is
+born to blubber,--and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking with his
+snows frozen.
+
+Why was the country of Phoenicia like an automobile? Because it had a
+Tyre on its border.
+
+Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she
+is ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
+
+What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry
+attic).
+
+How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make an Englishman run?
+Ten-dons.
+
+What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a
+Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold,
+and the other cold with the kilt.
+
+What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run
+the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very
+naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate).
+
+Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What
+nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian
+(a-rushing); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a
+Pole.
+
+When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes
+from Dover to _Deal_.
+
+How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York?
+One, if it was long enough.
+
+What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to
+Cowes.
+
+Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece
+(grease) at the bottom.
+
+Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland?
+Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast).
+
+What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse-sack
+(Cossack).
+
+Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical
+Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not
+(Juggernaut).
+
+Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany?
+Because he is always on a Spree.
+
+What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of
+despair? Tar-tar-us.
+
+Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To
+gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland).
+
+Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman
+going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of
+the crater.
+
+What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead.
+
+Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through
+which he goes.
+
+For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an
+Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse
+together? To prevent their using bad language.
+
+Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always
+Dublin (doubling).
+
+What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? S X (Essex).
+
+Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease
+(Greece).
+
+Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in?
+Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to
+Chusan).
+
+What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the
+difference in the world.
+
+What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the
+hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).
+
+Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the
+great (grate) lie there.
+
+Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears
+which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see.
+
+Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like?
+The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).
+
+Why may we doubt the existence of the Giants' Causeway? There are so
+many sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of them.
+
+What is the difference between a certain part of Africa and the shade
+of Hamlet's father stalking in winter? One is the Gold Coast, the
+other the cold ghost.
+
+Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an internal transport.
+
+Why is New York City like a flash light? It has a Battery.
+
+When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
+
+Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is an India gent (indigent).
+
+Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the sole
+(soul) of it.
+
+What is a man like who is in the middle of the Thames and can't swim?
+Like to be drowned.
+
+Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for
+tows (toes).
+
+Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only for very old gentlemen?
+Because it is a see-Nile (senile) thing to do.
+
+What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Castile).
+
+Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? Because it often changes
+its notes.
+
+Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United
+States.
+
+Who were the original bog-trotters? The Fen-ians.
+
+Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Because it is often driven
+into Deal.
+
+Why is Paris like the letter F? Because it is the capital of France.
+
+Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often
+passed over.
+
+Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but
+one coach in China (Cochin China).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+LITERARY CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What American poet may be considered equal to three-fifths of the
+poets ancient and modern? Poe.
+
+The names of which two Greek poems will you mention on alluding to
+their author's peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's Odd-I-see
+and Ill-I-add.
+
+Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' son, Achilles? Because
+both have "sent many souls to Hades ere their time."
+
+What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's "Seasons" do to young
+Palemon? She pulled his ears and trod on his corns.
+
+If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention?
+Chaw-sir (Chaucer).
+
+Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two celebrated musicians, said
+one was Tweedledum, the other only Tweedledee? If so, state which of
+these two names was the more difficult to write. Tweedledum, because
+he wrote the other with more e's (ease).
+
+Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson Crusoe's island was
+uninhabited? Because the very first thing he saw upon landing was a
+great swell a pitchin' into a little "cove" on the shore.
+
+What prescription is the best for a poet? A composing draught.
+
+Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because his
+tale (tail) comes out of his head.
+
+Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired of novel-writing than Warren?
+Because Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren only "Now and Then."
+
+What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if
+they could only speak? Eusebius (you see by us).
+
+Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last work? Because it's a cereal
+(serial) work.
+
+When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden
+("Enoch Arden").
+
+How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept
+his choler (collar) down.
+
+How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the
+earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
+
+What was the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he
+could "recite" his poems, but not re-sight himself.
+
+Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because if the ancient Scandinavians
+had their "Skalds," we have also had our Burns.
+
+What English poet does a mummy resemble? Dryden (dried-'un).
+
+What lady of the Dante family is most often spoken of? Ann-dante.
+
+Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? Because "Death loves a
+shining mark."
+
+What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? "The Bridge of
+Sighs" (the bridge of size).
+
+Why was Dickens a greater writer than Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote
+well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
+
+What proof have we that Cowper was in debt? He "oh'd for a lodge in
+some vast wilderness."
+
+Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?"
+Because he thought he was a good feller (fellow).
+
+Why are the relics of the departed like a man whose pocket has been
+robbed and the thief escaped? Because they have both felt "the touch
+of a vanished hand."
+
+When is a pie like a poet? When it's Browning.
+
+What best describes and most impedes a Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan
+(bunion).
+
+Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? Because in them we see
+the "Spectator."
+
+Was Othello thinking of his wife when he killed her? No, 's mother.
+
+What toe would you rather kiss than the Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe.
+
+Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The
+wind,--"Over the Hills and Far Away."
+
+Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? Dickens. He wrote "All the Year
+Round," while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning."
+
+What countryman was Burns? A Scorchman.
+
+What change of identity did the "Beggar's Opera" effect? It made Gay
+rich, and Rich gay.
+
+When was the greatest destruction of poultry? When King Claudius of
+Denmark "did murder most foul."
+
+Why are the abbreviations of degrees tacked on to a man's name? To
+show that he is a man of letters.
+
+"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love like a potato?" Because it
+shoots from the eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by pairing."
+
+If Falstaff had been musical what instrument would he have chosen
+after dinner? The sackbut.
+
+Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no
+man has furnished so many stock quotations.
+
+Why is a statistician like a writer of one of the Six Best Sellers?
+Because he is the author of well-figured fiction.
+
+Why are Parliamentary reports called "Blue Books?" Because they are
+never re(a)d.
+
+Why is an architect like a newspaper writer? Because he gets so much
+"per column" for his work.
+
+Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common
+tatur (commentator).
+
+Is there any bird which can recite the "Lays of Ancient Rome?" Yes,
+certainly, Macaw-lays.
+
+Why cannot the Irish perform the play of "Hamlet?" Because they
+cannot help making "Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine.
+
+What was Othello's occupation in Venice? That of a lawyer, because he
+was attorney-general (a tawny general).
+
+If you took off your boot and put your foot in the fire, what opera
+of Verdi's would it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe).
+
+Why are unsuccessful contestants for a prize like Shakespeare?
+Because they have made "Much Ado About Nothing."
+
+What is the difference between living "in marble halls" and aboard
+ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in
+the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side.
+
+Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' later plots should be
+complicated? Because one of his earlier works was all of a twist
+(Oliver Twist).
+
+Why have the inhabitants of the city of Boston less need of foreign
+bards than those of any other city? Because they can always find
+poetry in their own "Holmes."
+
+Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone set in jet? Because he is
+deep read (red) in Blackstone.
+
+
+NAMES OF AUTHORS
+
+A slang expression. Dickens.
+
+A brighter and a smarter one. Whittier.
+
+Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a well-beloved poet you'll
+see. Bryant.
+
+It comes from a pig. Bacon.
+
+II. Mark Twain.
+
+A ten-footer whose name begins with fifty. Longfellow.
+
+Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long ago. Spencer.
+
+What is an oyster heap likely to become? Shelley.
+
+It is worn on the head. Hood.
+
+A worker in precious metals. Goldsmith.
+
+What is the value of a word? Wordsworth.
+
+A domestic animal. Lamb.
+
+He mends and repairs. Cooper.
+
+Many people would like to kiss him. Pope.
+
+It pertains to a monastery. Abbott.
+
+A domestic servant. Cook.
+
+Which is the better playwright, William Shakespeare or Brinsley
+Sheridan? Willis.
+
+Part of a fish. Finley.
+
+What the children delight in at the seashore. Sands.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+CONUNDRUMS ON THE ALPHABET
+
+
+What word is it of only three syllables which combines in it
+twenty-six letters? Alphabet.
+
+Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of
+letters? Disproportionableness.
+
+What is the best bet ever made? The alphabet.
+
+When were there only two vowels? In the days of No-a, before U and I
+were born.
+
+When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U
+and I are one.
+
+Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet? Because it is always in
+fun.
+
+Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet? Because it is next to
+you.
+
+Which are the two hottest letters in the alphabet? K N (cayenne).
+
+Why is O the most charitable letter in the alphabet? Because it is
+found oftener than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d.
+
+Why is the letter T like matrimony? It is the end of quiet and the
+beginning of trouble.
+
+Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? It converts oats into
+goats.
+
+When was B the first letter of the alphabet? In the days of No-a.
+
+What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it.
+
+Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a "B" follows it.
+
+Why is the letter W like a scandal? Because it makes ill will.
+
+Why are two t's like hops? Because they make beer better.
+
+Spell enemy in three letters. No, not N M E; it's F O E.
+
+Spell auburn locks in two letters. S and Y.
+
+Spell brandy in three letters. B R and Y, and O D V.
+
+What must you add to nine to make it six? S, for IX with S is six.
+
+If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner, which letters could not
+accept your kind invitation till later in the evening? The last six,
+as they couldn't come till after T.
+
+How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything
+that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n.
+
+What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a
+thousand years? The letter M.
+
+Why is A like twelve o'clock? Because it's the middle of day.
+
+Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first
+in pity, he is ever last in help.
+
+Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? Because it's near O (Nero).
+
+Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? Because it will make an eel
+feel.
+
+What letter is that which is invisible, but never out of sight? I.
+
+How would you express in two letters that you were twice the bulk of
+your companion? I W (I double you).
+
+What two Christian names read the same both ways? Hannah and Anna.
+
+Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first U in cucumber? Because it's
+between two seas (c's).
+
+What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same?
+Oroonoko.
+
+Why is O the noisiest of all vowels? Because you cannot make a horrid
+loud noise without it, whilst all the others are inAUdIblE.
+
+What word contains the five vowels in their order? Facetious.
+
+Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the center
+of bliss, whilst E is in hEll, and all the others are in pUrgAtOry.
+
+What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess
+infinite sagacity? Wise (y's).
+
+Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. Too wise you are, two wise you
+be; I see you are too wise for me.
+
+What are those things, which, though they appear twice in every day,
+and twice in every week, yet are only seen twice in a year? Vowels.
+
+What letter in the alphabet is necessary to make a shoe? The last.
+
+What word of six letters admits of five successive elisions,
+leaving at each abbreviation a well-known word?
+Brandy--brand--bran--ran--an--a.
+
+Name two English words, one of which, being of one syllable only,
+shall contain more letters than the other of five syllables?
+Strength--Ideality.
+
+Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off
+at a gallop? Because he can make a D-canter.
+
+What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without
+transposing a letter? Herein--he--her--here--ere--rein--in.
+
+Is there a word in the English language which contains all the
+vowels? Yes, unquestionably.
+
+Why is quizzing like the letter D on horseback? It is deriding (D
+riding).
+
+When did "Chicago" begin with a "C" and end with an "e"? Chicago
+always began with a "C" and end always began with an "e."
+
+There is an English word of more than two letters, of which la is the
+middle, is the beginning, and is the end, though there is but one "a"
+and one "l" in the word. What is it? Island, of which "la" is the
+middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the end.
+
+What word is there of five letters, that, by taking two away, leaves
+but one? Stone.
+
+What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a
+word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
+
+Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though
+never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
+
+Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more
+importance than the others? Because we cannot get ON well without
+them.
+
+Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.
+
+What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n.
+
+Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis).
+
+What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? XPDNC
+(expediency).
+
+What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal?
+Synonymous (Sin on a mouse).
+
+Why is an island like the letter T? Because it is in the midst of
+water (wa-t-er).
+
+Like what four letters of the alphabet is a honey-producing insect
+when in small health? Like A B C D (a bee seedy).
+
+Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles
+needless.
+
+Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? Because it is devoid of
+e's (ease).
+
+What two letters do boys delight in to the annoyance of their elders?
+Two t's (to tease).
+
+What single word would you put down for $40 borrowed from you? XL
+lent (excellent).
+
+What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes
+her hear.
+
+What word is it, which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own
+opposite? United, untied.
+
+Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men
+mean.
+
+Why is a schoolmistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses
+into classes.
+
+Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in
+waiting.
+
+Spell an interrogation with one letter. Y (why?).
+
+Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both
+in earth and water.
+
+Why is the nose on your face like the v in civility? Because it's
+between two eyes (i's).
+
+Take away one letter from me, and like Macbeth I murder; take away
+two, and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me.
+Kill-ill-skill.
+
+There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five
+letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be
+conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the
+whole word shows what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine.
+
+What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title?
+A Dutch-S.
+
+Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? Because we can't be wed
+without it.
+
+Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it is the end of pork.
+
+How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G, pig without an I.
+
+Why is a horse like the letter O? Because Gee makes it Go.
+
+Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? It is nothing without its tail.
+
+When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled generosity? When it
+enables a lady to make over a lover.
+
+Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? It is the end of beef.
+
+Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters? C D (seedy).
+
+Make five less by adding to it. V, IV.
+
+Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends
+in sauciness.
+
+What small animal is turned into a larger one by beheading it?
+Fox--ox.
+
+Why are sidewalks in winter like music? If you don't C sharp, you
+will B flat.
+
+Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? Because she's never
+inconsolable.
+
+What two letters express the most agreeable people in the world? U
+and I.
+
+How does the letter Y work an impossibility? It makes a lad into a
+lady.
+
+Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal will be transposed into a
+point. Add X to ape, and you obtain apex.
+
+Why is the letter N like a pig? Because it makes a sty nasty.
+
+Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? When I get to C U (see you) I
+forget everything else.
+
+Why is the letter B like a fire? Because it makes oil boil.
+
+Why is the letter R a profitable letter? Because it makes ice into
+rice.
+
+Why is the letter T like Easter? Because it's the last of Lent.
+
+When does a blacksmith make a row in the alphabet? When he makes a
+poke-R and shove-L.
+
+What did the old woman say when she looked into the empty flour
+barrel? O I C U R M T.
+
+Why did Noah object to the letter D? Because it made the ark dark.
+
+Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s in both.
+
+What are the worst letters of recommendation? I O U.
+
+Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea).
+
+If I were in the sun and you out of it, what would the sun become?
+Sin.
+
+I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I frequently stand upon one
+leg; if you behead me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate me I
+stand upon four. I shall think you are related to me if you do not
+now recognize me. Glass--lass--ass.
+
+    Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, Wye, Dee.
+    Three letters an ode give to fame. L E G (elegy).
+    Three letters an attribute name. N R G (energy).
+    Three letters a compliment claim. U X L (You excel).
+
+    The beginning of eternity,
+    The end of time and space,
+    The beginning of every end,
+    The end of every race. Letter E.
+
+    One letter's a tree? U (yew).
+    One means to agree? A (aye).
+    One is to drink? T (tea).
+    One a bird, think? J (jay).
+
+    Now of letters that rhyme
+    You must guess them in time;
+    One is an insect busy all day? B (bee).
+    One is a river that wends on its way? D (Dee).
+    One is a slang word it is best not to say? G (Gee).
+    These two letters are not at all hard? E Z (easy).
+    These letters form a literary composition? S A (essay).
+    These letters will decompose? D K (decay).
+    These letters form a material to wear? P K (pique).
+    These letters do the best of all? X L (excel).
+    These letters form a tree? L M (elm).
+    The meaning of these letters is not full? M T (empty).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+GENERAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled,
+then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family.
+
+What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have
+pistils.
+
+What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing.
+
+Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it?
+He is bedridden.
+
+What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring.
+
+Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly.
+
+What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one
+harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's."
+
+When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving.
+
+Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
+surrounded by felloes (fellows).
+
+Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad
+brim.
+
+Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow.
+
+What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
+
+When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
+
+What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
+One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
+
+Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
+
+What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of
+bank-notes.
+
+Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
+filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
+behind to settle.
+
+Why is English grammar like gout? Because it's torture (taught yer).
+
+Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an
+invalid? Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).
+
+Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Because he polishes the
+understandings of his patrons.
+
+Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a
+room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
+
+Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
+are always for-getting everything.
+
+What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get,
+one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing
+the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune.
+
+When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
+
+Why is a joint company not like a watch? Because it does not go after
+it is wound up.
+
+When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
+up in himself.
+
+What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
+chops about.
+
+Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
+living.
+
+Why do British soldiers never run away? Because they belong to the
+standing army.
+
+What part of a car resembles a person? The wheel, because it is
+tired.
+
+On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside.
+
+When may a chair be said to dislike you? When it can't bear you.
+
+What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing? The
+scissors.
+
+Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their
+existence is only in-fancy.
+
+Why is a proud girl like a music book? She is full of airs.
+
+Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not at all black
+(not a tall black).
+
+Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they
+make a noise whenever they are told (tolled).
+
+Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing
+satisfies him.
+
+Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? They ought to be
+taken up.
+
+Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us? We call them to
+take us in.
+
+Why are weary people like carriage wheels? Because they are tired.
+
+Why does a tall man eat less than a short man? Because he makes a
+little go a long way.
+
+What is the dryest subject? The mummy.
+
+When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering.
+
+Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses.
+
+How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside.
+
+What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
+
+What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One
+irons your linen, the other steals it.
+
+When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the
+storm is over.
+
+Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to
+the Milky Way.
+
+What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
+One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold.
+
+Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from
+it.
+
+Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
+it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
+
+Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the
+last.
+
+What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is
+made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell
+only.
+
+Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a
+harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre.
+
+When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a
+well.
+
+What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour.
+
+When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his
+pa's son (parson).
+
+What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
+is--the bigger the better? Skin him.
+
+Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
+goes.
+
+When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the
+woods--and plains.
+
+Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull
+edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
+
+Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of
+flash language.
+
+Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by
+every post.
+
+What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent?
+One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does
+wrong.
+
+What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced.
+
+What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
+
+Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them
+the faster they go.
+
+Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
+his stomach.
+
+When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance
+of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
+
+When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
+folded.
+
+What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major.
+
+What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural.
+
+In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B
+Minor).
+
+Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they
+are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
+
+What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A
+pigs-tye, of course.
+
+Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet
+full of bounce.
+
+When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts
+away with it.
+
+Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because
+it's past-your-age (pasturage).
+
+If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the
+deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
+
+What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
+
+Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl
+kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss).
+
+Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus
+(re-buss).
+
+Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African
+bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning."
+
+Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it
+has so many notions.
+
+Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently
+says, "Try that last run over again."
+
+What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One
+shines at the head, the other at the foot.
+
+What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement.
+
+When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes.
+
+Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he
+has too much time on his hands.
+
+When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his
+patients.
+
+Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter
+equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without
+foundations.
+
+Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always
+on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!).
+
+Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the
+greatest repeater known to history.
+
+Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid
+of the hook.
+
+Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses
+like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline.
+
+Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well
+dressed.
+
+Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
+wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only
+made light of.
+
+How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
+
+Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it
+we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.
+
+Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often
+looked over or over-looked.
+
+Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a
+certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus.
+
+Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress?
+Because they are opposed to the motion.
+
+Why is the aėronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a
+successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate.
+
+Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their
+energies to the conquest of the air.
+
+Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the
+State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating.
+
+Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because
+each has lost his pull.
+
+Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate.
+
+Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and
+puff.
+
+Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it
+without crackers.
+
+Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know
+how to manage the mails (males).
+
+Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of
+waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide).
+
+What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled
+lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum.
+
+Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because
+she is engaged in a kid-napping project.
+
+What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of
+it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."
+
+Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man?
+Because she husbands her resources.
+
+Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter
+how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never
+felt.
+
+When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled.
+
+Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the
+existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
+
+Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done
+with the pen.
+
+Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want
+is carrying out.
+
+What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet
+done? Stop a minute.
+
+Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off
+its guard.
+
+Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its
+turning is the result of conviction.
+
+Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by
+conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most
+others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
+
+Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
+out.
+
+What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance
+to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.
+
+Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an
+auger-ill.
+
+What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are
+"week" days.
+
+What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
+moment.
+
+Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
+airy-naught (aėronaut).
+
+Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
+everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.
+
+Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
+
+Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
+
+If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss
+the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the
+spring, unless he makes a summerset between them.
+
+What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel
+plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a
+cruise? She weighs anchor.
+
+Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close
+(clothes) of the week.
+
+When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one.
+
+Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings
+his own (k)nell.
+
+What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone.
+
+Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder?
+Because both submit to a forced sail.
+
+Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one
+side and tail's on the other.
+
+What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters.
+
+Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs
+to catch soft water when it rains hard.
+
+What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it.
+
+Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches
+the age of discretion.
+
+Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible
+means of support.
+
+What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The
+one makes facsimiles, the other sick families.
+
+Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands
+over four feet.
+
+Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That
+the people may not try to drown their losses.
+
+What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone.
+
+What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and
+yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave.
+
+Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked
+automobile? They've both got flat tire.
+
+Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up
+his plot.
+
+Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he
+immediately removes his weeds.
+
+Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately
+determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall
+from his eyes.
+
+How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by
+executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up.
+
+How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the
+faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the
+orderly obeys orders from headquarters.
+
+What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank.
+
+Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you
+a-light.
+
+Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social
+reprobate? Because he's too fast.
+
+Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a
+matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.
+
+What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it
+has a mile between its first and last letters.
+
+Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of
+feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound
+troy.
+
+What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
+impression.
+
+Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and
+twice eleven is twenty-two (too).
+
+Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better
+than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.
+
+That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which
+every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice.
+
+When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.
+
+When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.
+
+What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp
+lighter.
+
+Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles
+in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much.
+
+When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a
+just judge? Because you hear both sides.
+
+What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and
+sentimentally the untied.
+
+Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be
+prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a
+will.
+
+How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres.
+
+Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's
+been operated on.
+
+Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the
+washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye.
+
+Why is the fresh young upstart like an aėrial postman? Because he's
+up and coming.
+
+Why is an elevator man like an aėronaut? Because his life is all ups
+and downs.
+
+What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row.
+
+What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more
+gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.
+
+Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because
+everybody's crazy about him.
+
+Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are
+promissory notes.
+
+When are words musical? When they have a ring to them.
+
+When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking.
+
+Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because
+of the frequency of whirlwinds there.
+
+Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always
+looking for new stars.
+
+Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of
+an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom.
+
+When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare.
+
+When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly.
+
+When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick.
+
+When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
+
+When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of
+knots.
+
+What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never
+sleeps in it? A river.
+
+Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade?
+Because you would get bad habits from him.
+
+What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his
+ropes, the other pitches his tent.
+
+Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood.
+
+What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
+
+Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the
+art of healing (heeling).
+
+What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen.
+
+When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under
+consideration.
+
+Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his
+sovereign.
+
+When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew.
+
+What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News.
+
+When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.
+
+What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune.
+
+What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.
+
+Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent
+wherever it goes.
+
+What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
+
+What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate.
+
+When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail).
+
+Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting
+stars.
+
+What garden crop would save draining? Leeks.
+
+When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.
+
+When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed.
+
+Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a
+great deal bored.
+
+When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound.
+
+What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her
+own flag.
+
+What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had
+better be sewn (sown).
+
+Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that
+the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the
+potatoes and make them self-irrigating.
+
+Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because
+no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.
+
+What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The
+multiplication table.
+
+Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?
+Six dozen dozen, of course.
+
+What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A
+hole.
+
+If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?
+A bee-attitude.
+
+Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any
+post.
+
+Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor
+Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
+necessary.
+
+Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the
+morning, and mist at night.
+
+Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one
+side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.
+
+And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
+
+When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
+
+What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will
+for the deed.
+
+Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes
+it hollow.
+
+When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
+
+What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
+
+Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because
+neither is felt.
+
+Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you
+in sunshine.
+
+Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the
+scenter.
+
+If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he
+say? "I have no i-dea."
+
+When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases.
+
+Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'.
+
+Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a
+_grain_.
+
+What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer.
+
+Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting
+on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there.
+
+What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises
+from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_.
+
+In what color should friendship be kept? In violet.
+
+What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the
+vilest? A lyre.
+
+How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run.
+
+Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is
+full of notions.
+
+Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on
+swimmingly.
+
+Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's
+add-mir'd.
+
+Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the
+communion.
+
+Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.
+
+Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as
+the company does.
+
+Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies.
+
+Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you.
+
+Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes
+moving signs.
+
+Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their
+youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get
+fleeced at last.
+
+Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_
+go a great way.
+
+Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never
+starved? Because he's never without a bit.
+
+Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed
+before his master.
+
+Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good
+many achers.
+
+Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored.
+
+Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the
+ball.
+
+Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore.
+
+Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds
+the stock in (stocking).
+
+Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd.
+
+Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered.
+
+Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does
+it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes
+him flatter.
+
+Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful
+young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).
+
+Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed
+it soon goes.
+
+What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
+
+When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
+
+Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea
+creatur') of great sighs (size).
+
+How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.:
+Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total,
+sixteen.
+
+Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.
+
+Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never
+be Imp o' Light.
+
+Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman.
+
+Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people
+steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).
+
+What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.
+
+What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on,
+and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
+
+Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from
+going too far.
+
+Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.
+
+At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it
+strikes one.
+
+Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay
+wherever you put her.
+
+Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you
+never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
+
+What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you
+many good points.
+
+What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A
+catalogue.
+
+Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails
+(males) are tied up in bags.
+
+What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand
+affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a
+swell affair.
+
+Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).
+
+What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often
+a man and often a woman? A toast.
+
+How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming
+eggs-aspirated (exasperated).
+
+On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside.
+
+Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a
+cabbage? Because his heart's in his head.
+
+Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is
+ready to give any man a lift.
+
+Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please.
+
+Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you.
+
+Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a
+vial in.
+
+Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his
+bill.
+
+When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he
+wears a heavy beard and a mustache.
+
+Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of
+abstraction.
+
+Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because
+it can never be-long to him.
+
+Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals?
+Because he is the querist.
+
+What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears
+shoes, but never had any shoes? A football.
+
+Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are
+numbered.
+
+What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.
+
+Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat
+is in tents (intense).
+
+Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.
+
+Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick.
+
+Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder
+(beholder).
+
+Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are
+stationary (stationery).
+
+Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair).
+
+Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a
+cup.
+
+Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled
+(told).
+
+What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters.
+
+How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears
+an entire costume; the other simply pants.
+
+What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If
+you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it
+takes all the swell out of him.
+
+If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be
+reminded of? A pair (pear).
+
+Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and
+destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients).
+
+When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a
+piano for-tea (forte).
+
+What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and
+the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his
+play.
+
+Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer
+(pill for her).
+
+Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done
+quacking.
+
+Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs,
+certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from
+egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives).
+
+Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly
+done.
+
+What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a cock-robin.
+
+Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their
+next world in this (necks twirled).
+
+By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid
+(Adelaide).
+
+Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always
+have a comb about them.
+
+Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing.
+
+What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty,
+the other tidy.
+
+Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep
+into the earth.
+
+Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological
+works? Because it was virgin on something serious.
+
+When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what
+bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her
+behalf.
+
+What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One
+teaches Miss, the other misteaches.
+
+When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When
+giving a swimming lesson.
+
+What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up.
+
+What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at
+Court? Influence-sir.
+
+Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
+Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep).
+
+Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door
+(adore).
+
+What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?
+The doorknocker.
+
+Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always
+wood (would)--or should be.
+
+Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
+
+When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
+for a pupil.
+
+How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their
+"presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it.
+
+What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
+
+What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and
+civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
+
+Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a
+tail and the dog-star hasn't.
+
+Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is
+let out at night and taken in in the morning.
+
+Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he
+makes both ends meet.
+
+When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound.
+
+Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking
+those that are dun before you begin.
+
+Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple?
+Because though they are two, yet are they one (won).
+
+Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of
+clay.
+
+Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite
+vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato).
+
+Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing
+there.
+
+Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y
+presentation.
+
+Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit
+of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends
+church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.
+
+If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would
+embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?).
+
+Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because
+she reels and spins.
+
+In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down?
+In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not
+setters.
+
+What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what
+other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it,
+and for the swallow, of course.
+
+Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have
+married more women than they can support, and would like to marry
+more.
+
+In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the
+law and profits (prophets).
+
+What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon.
+
+Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he
+is _above_ doing a mean action.
+
+"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and
+never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear
+(deer) departed.
+
+What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one
+if she lives long enough.
+
+What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It is a vain (vane)
+thing to a-spire."
+
+What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same?
+The postman.
+
+Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young
+clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy.
+
+Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very
+virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander
+(propaganda).
+
+Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually
+selling that which he kneads himself.
+
+Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him.
+
+Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east
+makes everything rise.
+
+What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?
+Their being too long.
+
+What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some.
+
+Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because
+when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).
+
+What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One
+clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.
+
+Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight.
+
+When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice.
+
+Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup.
+
+What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater.
+
+When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the
+leaves.
+
+Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_
+of their own.
+
+Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind.
+
+Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the
+heavens for centuries.
+
+What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road.
+
+What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?
+One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
+
+Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress.
+
+How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been
+to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full.
+
+Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if
+you catch it.
+
+Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann
+Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.
+
+How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By
+proposing to Bridge-it.
+
+Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an
+application.
+
+Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he
+would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.
+
+State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because
+he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the
+face.
+
+Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
+squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass.
+
+When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in
+it).
+
+Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).
+
+When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the
+currants.
+
+Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the
+chaps off.
+
+Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
+keep the sparks off.
+
+In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned
+curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry).
+
+Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?
+Because they have a gall on a bier between them.
+
+What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.
+
+Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
+occasioned the fall of man.
+
+On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates,
+soles, an' (h)eels.
+
+In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In
+polly-silly-bills.
+
+Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons
+for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram.
+
+What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.
+
+Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet.
+
+Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel.
+
+Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.
+
+What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.
+
+Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a
+dinner.
+
+What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.
+
+When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When
+there is not a _single_ person in it.
+
+Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.
+
+When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a
+man-of-war.
+
+When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate.
+
+When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer.
+
+When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy.
+
+When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy
+swell.
+
+When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore.
+
+When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little
+cove.
+
+When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow.
+
+Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants
+legs.
+
+Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on
+ropes and poles, and thrives.
+
+If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?
+Against his inclination.
+
+Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
+farthest from the bark.
+
+Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins
+by breaking.
+
+What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see
+again? Yesterday.
+
+What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day.
+
+What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence
+of body.
+
+Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure
+to be run over by carriages and automobiles.
+
+Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful
+as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be
+very ancient.
+
+What is the superlative of temper? Tempest.
+
+On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
+
+What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn.
+
+What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as
+soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
+
+If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly.
+
+Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you
+never see two of them together.
+
+Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit.
+
+Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting
+from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out?
+Out of the hole.
+
+What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
+One uses wax candles and the other dips.
+
+Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as
+stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
+
+What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
+Daylight.
+
+Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much
+water.
+
+Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an
+oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread.
+
+Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket.
+
+What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
+waistcoat first.
+
+What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids.
+
+With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves.
+
+Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the
+course that they take, but not the source whence they spring.
+
+When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart
+(sweetheart).
+
+Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of
+mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than
+getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than
+nothing.
+
+At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of
+his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives).
+
+Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because
+there are always so many people picking pockets there.
+
+When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
+
+Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would.
+
+Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied
+until their works are "hung on the line."
+
+Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
+Because he is no better (bettor).
+
+Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you
+pass through.
+
+Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will
+then have his leg at ease (legatees).
+
+What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?
+A bald head.
+
+Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late
+(scintillate).
+
+Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
+die late (dilate).
+
+A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what
+you do in everything--excel (XL)."
+
+Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because,
+though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect
+on you.
+
+Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley
+(valet).
+
+What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush.
+
+What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
+
+Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and
+no end.
+
+Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
+Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes
+matrimony.
+
+Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what
+she seams (seems).
+
+When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When
+he has a stitch in his side.
+
+Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
+each of them.
+
+What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer
+gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers.
+
+If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would
+she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).
+
+What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To
+get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).
+
+How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that
+they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they
+are only miss givings (misgivings).
+
+Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long
+enough before he gets another.
+
+What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it
+was never seen before.
+
+Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his
+business makes him sell-fish.
+
+Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the
+center of gravity.
+
+What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper.
+
+Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make
+the shells burst on the kernel (colonel).
+
+Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the
+point of a tack (attack).
+
+What is the best material for kites? Flypaper.
+
+What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is
+certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led.
+
+When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it
+back-bites.
+
+What is a button? A small event that is always coming off.
+
+What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony.
+
+What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the
+earth.
+
+What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end.
+
+What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson.
+
+Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a
+_fare_ thing.
+
+Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station.
+
+What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled.
+
+What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon
+one, and stand upon the other.
+
+How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers.
+
+What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive.
+
+Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very
+often.
+
+How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the
+_Olympic_? Courtship.
+
+Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun?
+Because it is too much for a charge.
+
+When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When
+he is out under arms.
+
+When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap.
+
+Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing
+dinner."
+
+Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an
+ex-actor.
+
+Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor,
+for he is beset by the "devil."
+
+How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because
+she's taking a part (taken apart).
+
+Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters
+and reports time.
+
+Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he
+has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).
+
+Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher?
+Because her pupils are kept in the dark.
+
+Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers'
+comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket).
+
+Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because
+they both fail to become rich.
+
+Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on
+horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).
+
+Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose
+treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the
+receiver is as bad as the thief.
+
+Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at
+drawing houses.
+
+Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for
+her cheek.
+
+Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching.
+
+Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing
+better to kiss, and men have.
+
+If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss.
+
+Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists?
+Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to
+make a match with a man twice their own size any day.
+
+When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing
+it.
+
+When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without
+kissing them.
+
+How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size).
+
+When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a
+measure.
+
+Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly.
+
+Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is
+per-jury.
+
+Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
+more they are with them.
+
+What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
+broken? Pieces.
+
+What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after
+dinner? A different one.
+
+What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators.
+
+What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination.
+
+Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over
+sleepers.
+
+What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl.
+
+What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission.
+
+What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an
+e-lix-ir (he licks her).
+
+What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child?
+One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.
+
+What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted.
+
+What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes.
+
+What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread
+being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is
+the mother of invention."
+
+What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a
+cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes,
+and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her
+head.
+
+What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty
+daughter.
+
+Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a
+representative.
+
+Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to
+get off.
+
+When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged.
+
+Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises.
+
+Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest)
+now.
+
+Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he
+does not feel well.
+
+If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A
+little London porter.
+
+Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has
+ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk.
+
+Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken,
+and his locks are few.
+
+What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A
+cup and saucer (saw, sir!).
+
+Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper
+and the running vine.
+
+Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a
+reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring.
+
+What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other.
+
+Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no
+bigger tree (bigotry) there.
+
+Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told
+(tolled).
+
+Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend
+on their pumps.
+
+Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons.
+
+Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.
+
+What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?
+Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).
+
+Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet.
+
+When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts.
+
+What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often.
+
+What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
+before its face, and runs down its own works.
+
+When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down.
+
+Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver
+till her bow comes, and can't go off without one.
+
+Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and
+defective.
+
+What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out;
+which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands.
+
+What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One
+minds his peas, the other his cues.
+
+What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The
+tongue.
+
+Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can
+shut them up without giving offense.
+
+Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a
+sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be
+sold.
+
+Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by
+auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.
+
+Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?
+Because he has picked yours (pictures).
+
+Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but
+meer-shams.
+
+Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation
+with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary.
+
+What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.
+
+Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's
+broken.
+
+How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their
+breeches.
+
+Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?
+Because he departs from his sphere of action.
+
+When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms.
+
+Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're
+exposed to the fire they run.
+
+When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers
+are all in quarters.
+
+Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted.
+
+What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen.
+
+Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties?
+Because hops produce great bitterness.
+
+What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas.
+
+Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons.
+
+What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your
+addresses.
+
+When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously)
+obtained.
+
+Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of
+Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would
+men should do unto them.
+
+Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because
+you un-buzz-'em (unbosom).
+
+When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
+another.
+
+When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a
+goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt
+her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner.
+
+What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is
+killed and then cured.
+
+Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if
+you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.
+
+Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
+
+What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is
+for the first born, the other for the last bourn.
+
+Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
+Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.
+
+What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are
+ashes still.
+
+If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say?
+Tree, mend us (tremendous).
+
+When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its
+length.
+
+Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the
+ears.
+
+Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent
+singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).
+
+Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious).
+
+What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill).
+
+When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass.
+
+What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses?
+They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without
+talking.
+
+What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not
+pay your water rates.
+
+What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims).
+
+When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?
+When it has a hole in it.
+
+What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is
+blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.
+
+What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
+The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead).
+
+Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
+before it comes to life.
+
+When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put
+in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
+
+What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?
+One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
+
+When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws
+(clause) into the Bill of another member.
+
+What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's
+food.
+
+Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his
+tail, otherwise his tail would wag him.
+
+Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant
+(current).
+
+When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably.
+
+When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive
+from you at the same time? A key to your feelings.
+
+Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off
+the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and
+passes over the plain.
+
+What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction.
+
+Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the
+men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.
+
+How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting
+their faces against them.
+
+Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who
+can decline Matrimony.
+
+Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark.
+
+Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
+
+Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the
+felloes around it are tired.
+
+Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty
+to perform.
+
+What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at
+the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its
+clauses.
+
+What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows.
+
+When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round.
+
+When does the House of Representatives present one of the most
+ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its
+noes (nose) on the other.
+
+What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?
+Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.
+
+Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass.
+
+What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you
+lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.
+
+Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will
+be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation.
+
+When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the
+reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the
+congregation.
+
+When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_
+husband.
+
+Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one;
+because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects
+of adoration.
+
+Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because
+it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).
+
+Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very
+good.
+
+Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?
+He's tor'd his clothes.
+
+Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your
+pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
+
+Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of
+blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the
+bull rushes out.
+
+What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches
+wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe.
+
+What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a
+cupper, the other a sorcerer.
+
+What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become
+terra-pins.
+
+Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails.
+
+Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen
+through, and shut up.
+
+Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.
+
+What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room.
+
+What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement.
+
+What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters
+the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat.
+
+Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
+chicken-hearted.
+
+Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would
+be in fowl language.
+
+Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower
+garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
+
+Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them
+here (hear).
+
+What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
+than yourself? Your name.
+
+What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet
+does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
+
+When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
+up in himself.
+
+What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
+
+Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better
+tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).
+
+What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.
+
+Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'.
+
+When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists
+(tourists).
+
+What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the
+lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of
+the larva.
+
+Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young
+lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).
+
+Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to
+sea (see).
+
+What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them.
+
+Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money.
+
+Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker
+than the mail (male) intelligence.
+
+If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose
+another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain.
+
+What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then
+to ex-POUND it.
+
+What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery.
+
+Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as
+of words.
+
+Why does a young man study law? To get on.
+
+Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor.
+
+Why does he leave the profession? To get honest.
+
+What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist
+on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
+
+Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come).
+
+Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a
+gal(l)on.
+
+How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a
+wig.
+
+Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.
+Noise.
+
+Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always
+crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.
+
+What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence.
+
+What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody
+else? Your word.
+
+What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go
+round with the world.
+
+What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
+takes? The snuffers.
+
+Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
+continually passing between them.
+
+What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
+
+Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because
+he's a Jew-ill.
+
+Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is
+lost upon him.
+
+What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A
+pack of cards.
+
+What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky
+(croquet).
+
+What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What
+does y-e-s spell?
+
+What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a
+knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).
+
+If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he
+had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale)
+unfold."
+
+What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows
+some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A
+newspaper.
+
+Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
+reviews.
+
+What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
+Chin-chilly (chinchilla).
+
+Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
+they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
+
+Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House,
+where you can get a duck for a dime.
+
+Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
+bred (bread).
+
+What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs.
+
+When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his
+pigs? When he has a sty in his eye.
+
+What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
+
+Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though
+the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent
+(a parent).
+
+What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
+
+What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare.
+
+Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew
+(blue) and the waters rose.
+
+How does a ray of light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way.
+
+What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store?
+Muslin (muzzling).
+
+When does English butter become Irish butter? When it is made into
+little _Pats_.
+
+Which is the most ancient of trees? The elder tree.
+
+Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt.
+
+Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example?
+Because they practice their professions.
+
+Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel?
+Because it is for a-tone-ment.
+
+Why is a good pun like a good cat? Because it requires pause (paws).
+
+Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? Because it makes a man's
+mouth water.
+
+Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full?
+Because it is a pitiful house.
+
+Why is a fortified town like a pudding? Because it's often batter'd.
+
+Why does a tallow chandler live better than another man? Because he
+lives on the fat of the land.
+
+Why is a water lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to
+blow.
+
+Why is a resolution like a looking glass? Because it is so easily
+broken.
+
+Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in
+either case it is a feint (faint).
+
+When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
+When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
+
+When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
+
+Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has
+tendrils, and then shoots.
+
+Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person
+with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never
+for-giving.
+
+Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they
+are left off'uns (orphans).
+
+What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims
+the milk, the other the water.
+
+Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no
+attention to the swells that follow her.
+
+What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose.
+
+Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you
+till it drops.
+
+Which travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can easily
+catch cold.
+
+What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed.
+
+I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
+
+Which eat more grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are
+more of them.
+
+Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
+game alive.
+
+What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse.
+
+In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the
+sixth? In that sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is
+Sabbath night).
+
+Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains).
+
+On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a
+house? If it became-brick (be cambric).
+
+Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't
+answer.
+
+Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil
+under the lash.
+
+Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes
+blew.
+
+When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving.
+
+Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill?
+Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser).
+
+Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's
+re-wiving.
+
+When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery?
+When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth.
+
+Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean?
+Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
+
+What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age.
+
+State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and
+an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the
+other pounds away.
+
+Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered
+underground.
+
+When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When
+she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she
+replies, "Sure, it's ate."
+
+Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
+you would be making game of him.
+
+Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair
+o' fins).
+
+When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
+put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away.
+
+Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
+becomes.
+
+What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One
+makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
+
+Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
+(blows so bleak).
+
+What is the difference between a _premičre danseuse_ and a duck? One
+goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her
+beautiful eggs.
+
+What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a
+billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
+
+Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.
+
+When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of
+hand by refusing you.
+
+Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it
+is seldom let alone.
+
+Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down
+in the mouth.
+
+What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry).
+
+Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the
+pasty must be made of dough (doe).
+
+Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done,
+cannot be helped.
+
+Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is
+impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.
+
+Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly
+married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize
+ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.
+
+What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y).
+
+Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur'
+(detonator).
+
+What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash
+man ate a rasher.
+
+What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.
+
+How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their
+trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing.
+
+What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots
+from the eye, the other from the shoulder.
+
+What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None
+at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur
+(spectator).
+
+What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?
+One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.
+
+Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they
+are warranted to wash--and keep color.
+
+Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but
+never wanted.
+
+Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are
+accustomed to bare arms.
+
+What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the
+other heads.
+
+What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The
+difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg
+whipped to go froth.
+
+Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a
+negro-man-sir (necromancer).
+
+What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His
+tongue.
+
+What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit
+box.
+
+Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his
+own hand.
+
+Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup
+(catch up).
+
+Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not
+be too stringy.
+
+Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because
+it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one.
+
+What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel.
+
+If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to
+you? Your mother.
+
+Of what profession is every child? A player.
+
+Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no
+scruples.
+
+Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the
+full moon is as light again.
+
+Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit.
+
+When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift.
+
+What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people?
+Colum-bus.
+
+Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows
+an open countenance in the act of taking you in.
+
+When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When
+he hasn't paid for his wig.
+
+What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a
+bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the
+second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the
+fourth has a hairy parent.
+
+When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him
+nothing to take.
+
+Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener
+they come the longer they stay.
+
+Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a
+fellow feeling for another.
+
+When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm muff in.
+
+Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is
+a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.
+
+Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come
+home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's
+always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood.
+
+What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
+bayonets, the other nets a bay.
+
+What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).
+
+What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One
+baits his hook, the other hates his book.
+
+What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables
+to them? Quick and short.
+
+What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man).
+
+Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
+
+What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical).
+
+What becomes every woman? A blush.
+
+Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets?
+Because they go two-two-two.
+
+What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one?
+The wedding-ring.
+
+What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it.
+
+What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.
+
+Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
+filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
+behind to settle.
+
+Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills
+are all over dew (overdue).
+
+What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man
+who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the
+other is dined and sated.
+
+What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That
+recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he
+threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.
+
+How should love come to the door? With a ring.
+
+If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he
+name? Any money (anemone).
+
+When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an
+understanding between them.
+
+Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the
+muscles.
+
+Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter
+(support her).
+
+Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good
+for nothing.
+
+What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father
+(farther).
+
+When is love deformed? When it is all on one side.
+
+Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you
+see from pole to pole.
+
+What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax.
+
+Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory.
+
+Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three
+and carries one.
+
+Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash.
+
+What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear.
+
+Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in
+water.
+
+Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green.
+
+What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it
+up.
+
+What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet
+which you often give up? A conundrum.
+
+What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's
+son? His daughter.
+
+If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is
+his grandfather.
+
+When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it.
+
+Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it
+for him.
+
+When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists.
+
+What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the
+water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head.
+
+How many peas in a pint? One.
+
+When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
+
+How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means.
+
+Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his
+calves there.
+
+Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a
+cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).
+
+What is it that every man overlooks? His nose.
+
+Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because
+they have eyes to see what they are doing.
+
+What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull?
+"Blow the horns!"
+
+Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but
+only what comes between them.
+
+What have feet and walk not? Stoves.
+
+What have eyes and see not? Potatoes.
+
+What have noses but smell not? Teapots.
+
+What have hands but work not? Clocks.
+
+What have mouths but eat not? Rivers.
+
+What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks.
+
+What have tongues but talk not? Wagons.
+
+Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us.
+
+What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow.
+
+What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
+
+Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great
+pull.
+
+If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the
+quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose.
+
+If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the
+table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks
+round.
+
+Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle).
+
+Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself.
+
+Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the
+largest head.
+
+When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a
+meadow.
+
+What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives
+milk and the other gives whey (way).
+
+What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip.
+
+When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has
+her hands where her feet ought to be.
+
+Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
+airy-nought (aėronaut).
+
+Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out.
+
+Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness?
+Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar).
+
+What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta
+percha).
+
+Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The
+crane.
+
+Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances?
+Because they are always on cord (encored).
+
+What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y;
+for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other,
+are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to
+look out of, while the former looks out for mankind.
+
+When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a
+little Indian in it.
+
+What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
+
+What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A
+fountain.
+
+Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
+it is easier to preach than to practice.
+
+Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane).
+
+Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round
+the waste (waist).
+
+Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent
+disturbance.
+
+What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
+honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).
+
+Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms.
+
+Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen?
+Because they live by hook and by crook.
+
+What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary
+birds.
+
+What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane.
+
+Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery.
+
+Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great.
+
+Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid.
+
+Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel
+(kernel).
+
+Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full.
+
+What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part.
+
+Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked.
+
+Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark.
+
+What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque).
+
+Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable
+is reasonable after _t_.
+
+Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing.
+
+Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand.
+
+What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.
+
+What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish.
+
+What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy.
+
+What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to
+dress, the other dresses to kill.
+
+Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two
+fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
+
+A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three;
+how was this? He had two--and one smelt.
+
+If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton
+of coal come to? To ashes.
+
+Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because
+he's always on the strike for wages.
+
+Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup?
+Because it is a liquidation of stock.
+
+Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never
+wants one.
+
+What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
+has feeling, the other is felt.
+
+What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars.
+
+What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
+
+How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of
+black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New
+York.
+
+Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?
+Because the cabman always drives over your head.
+
+Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is
+uttered but not allowed.
+
+Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear.
+
+What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out.
+
+Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good
+retort.
+
+Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting
+affection.
+
+What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One
+is hard up and the other soft down.
+
+What comes after cheese? Mouse.
+
+Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his
+policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view.
+
+When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes
+a roll in bed.
+
+When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).
+
+Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.
+
+Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because
+she's a-mounting (a mountain).
+
+Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does
+write (right) by itself.
+
+Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex?
+Because they are the weaker vessels.
+
+At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable
+kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
+
+When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.
+
+What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve
+ounces in one pound.
+
+What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.
+
+What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
+
+Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded
+vessel? Because he runs a-ground.
+
+Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the
+mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.
+
+Why is the engineer of a train like an aėronaut? Because he
+frequently slows down.
+
+Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race
+course? Because there is always a bettor.
+
+When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.
+
+What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never
+existed, and still has a name? Nothing.
+
+Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?
+Because it is matchless.
+
+Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by
+the directions of strangers.
+
+What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no
+use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.
+
+Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes
+around doing good.
+
+Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows)
+everything.
+
+What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because
+he's got one to wag.
+
+What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides
+a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.
+
+When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.
+
+When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked.
+
+When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late
+(a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
+
+What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and
+cannon-eers.
+
+Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.
+
+Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the
+sooner it is put out the better.
+
+When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).
+
+What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
+
+What trade is more than full? Fuller.
+
+Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it
+is an invisible force.
+
+When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass.
+
+Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.
+
+How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).
+
+What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
+The drum.
+
+What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet
+feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to
+come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent
+to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no
+resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.
+
+Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his
+peas and coos.
+
+When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing
+(teething).
+
+Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?
+Because it is about to enter the ministry.
+
+What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.
+
+When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale
+(pail).
+
+When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).
+
+What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is
+for-bidding.
+
+When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field
+(a wry).
+
+What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.
+
+Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because
+they are always on the watch.
+
+Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is
+a foul proceeding.
+
+What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to
+be pitted by the small-pox.
+
+What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks.
+
+What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids.
+
+What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
+satisfaction."
+
+Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
+
+What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half.
+
+Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by
+falling due (dew).
+
+What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss.
+
+What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.
+
+Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a
+hiding of the son (sun).
+
+When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end.
+
+Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful
+actress? Because she's the leading lady.
+
+Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he
+offers a horn to every one he meets.
+
+When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns.
+
+How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail.
+
+What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass.
+
+Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he
+is silent.
+
+Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it
+reduces the speed of autos.
+
+Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always
+pursuing his studies.
+
+Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear
+lawn dresses (were laundresses).
+
+Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain
+may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman).
+
+If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two
+in the shade.
+
+What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A
+portrait.
+
+What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark.
+
+What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly
+gone).
+
+Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney.
+
+Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding.
+
+How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated.
+
+At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
+
+Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
+
+What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper.
+
+What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of
+paint.
+
+Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon
+with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set
+before him.
+
+Why is a book like a king? It has many pages.
+
+What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth.
+
+What fruit is on a cent? A date.
+
+Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer
+they cling.
+
+Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater
+the ruin.
+
+
+ECHOES
+
+What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
+
+What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
+
+What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light.
+
+What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
+
+Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations.
+
+Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
+
+What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake
+her.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS
+
+
+    My first makes company,
+    My second shuns company,
+    My third assembles company,
+    My whole puzzles company.
+                        Co-nun-drum.
+
+My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at
+all. Thoughtless.
+
+I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured myself. A
+candle.
+
+I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but a tick. A clock.
+
+You can hang me on the wall, but if you take me down, you cannot hang
+me up again. Wall paper.
+
+In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate. In-sat-i-ate.
+
+    May my first never be lost in my second,
+    To prevent me from enjoying my whole.
+                        Friendship.
+
+My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not.
+Love-lie (Lovely).
+
+My first is a prop, my second also is a prop, and my whole is a prop
+as well. Footstool.
+
+Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; scratch my back, and I'm nobody. A
+mirror.
+
+By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you
+will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole. Past-time.
+
+When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only
+person to give me my whole. Hearts-ease.
+
+Why is the emblem of America more lasting than that of France,
+England, Ireland, or Scotland?
+
+    The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,
+      The rose from its stem may sever;
+    Shamrock and thistle may pass away,
+      But the stars shall shine for ever.
+
+  Read  see  that  me   but  not  my    got
+   Up  shall  I   love  if   me  love   for-
+  And   you  love you  that love  for   be
+  Down  and  you   if   you  do   you  shall
+    Read up and down and you shall see.
+
+        Can you tell me why
+        A hypocrite's eye
+        Can better descry
+        Than you or I
+        On how many toes
+        A pussy-cat goes?
+
+        A man of deceit
+        Can best count-er-feit;
+        And so, I suppose,
+        Can best count her toes.
+
+    My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;
+    My second is made into cakes and a bun;
+    My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;
+    My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors
+    of the United States is very often indeed called one.
+                        Mat-ry(e)-money.
+
+Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding conundrum? Because
+he's averse to matrimony.
+
+    By equal division, I know I am right;
+    The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.
+                              VIII
+                        XIII, ----, VIII
+                              AIII
+
+     [Transcriber's note: The letter A is used here to represent
+     the lower half of the letter X, originally shown by an
+     upside down V.]
+
+    I came to a field and couldn't get through it;
+    So I went to school and learned how to do it.
+                        Fence.
+
+    Legs have I got, but seldom walk,
+    I backbite all, yet never talk.
+                        A flea.
+
+    I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
+    But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
+                        Sane; insane.
+
+    Formed long ago, yet made to-day,
+      I'm most employed while others sleep;
+    What none would like to give away,
+      Yet no one likes to keep.
+                        Bed.
+
+    My first of anything is half,
+      My second is complete;
+    And so remains until once more
+      My first and second meet.
+                        Semi-circle.
+
+    Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,
+    Who is that highly favored man,
+    Who, though he has married many a wife,
+    May still live single all his life?
+                        A clergyman.
+
+    Great numbers do our use despise,
+      But yet, at last they find,
+    Without our help in many things,
+      They might as well be blind.
+                        Spectacles.
+
+    My love for you will never know
+      My first, nor yet my second;
+    'Tis like your wit and beauty, so
+      My whole 'twill aye be reckoned.
+                        End-less.
+
+    As I was going through a field of wheat,
+    I found something good to eat;
+    It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;
+    I kept it till it ran alone.
+                        An egg.
+
+    There's a word composed of three letters alone
+      Which reads backwards and forwards the same,
+    It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
+      And to beauty lays principal claim.
+                        Eye.
+
+    We travel much, yet pris'ners are,
+      And close confined to boot;
+    We with the swiftest horse keep pace,
+      Yet always go on foot.
+                        A pair of spurs.
+
+    My first doth affliction denote,
+      Which my second is destined to feel;
+    But my whole is the sure antidote
+      That affliction to soothe and to heal.
+                        Wo-man.
+
+    Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,
+    Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;
+    I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,
+    Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.
+                        Pains.
+
+    Your initials begin with an A,
+    You've an A at the end of your name,
+    The whole of your name is an A,
+    And it's backwards and forwards the same.
+                        Anna.
+
+    Ever running on my race,
+    Never staying at one place,
+    Through the world I make my tour,
+    Everywhere at the same hour.
+    If you please to spell my name,
+    Reversed or forward it's the same.
+                        Noon.
+
+    You name me once, and I am famed
+      For deeds of noble daring;
+    You name me twice, and I am found
+      In savage customs sharing.
+                        Tar-tar.
+
+What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with
+its root upwards? An icicle.
+
+    Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,
+    Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.
+                        Liquor-ice (licorice).
+
+    From a number that's odd cut off the head,
+        It then will even be.
+    Its tail, I pray, next take away,
+        Your mother then you'll see.
+                        Seven--even--Eve.
+
+    My first is of illustrious line,
+    Of beauteous form and face divine;
+    Which when my second does assail,
+    Both form and beauty then do fail;
+    My whole an arduous task to do
+    With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.
+                        Man-age.
+
+    A stranger comes from foreign shores,
+      Perchance to seek relief;
+    Curtail him, and you find his tale
+      Unworthy of belief;
+    Curtailed again, you recognize
+      An old Egyptian chief.
+                        Alien--a lie--Ali.
+
+    An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
+    Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
+    And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;
+    Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.
+                        Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.
+
+    Ere Adam was, my early days began;
+    I ape each creature, and resemble man;
+    I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
+    Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
+    Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
+    Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,
+    Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
+    You'll quickly find me out by candlelight.
+                        Shadow.
+
+    'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,
+    And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;
+    On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,
+    And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.
+    'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,
+    Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
+    'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,
+    Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;
+    It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,
+    Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.
+    In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,
+    Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.
+    In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,
+    But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir.
+    'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,
+    'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.
+    Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,
+    But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!
+    So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:
+    Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!
+                        The letter "H."
+
+
+STORIES
+
+How do you punctuate the sentence, "I saw a five-dollar bill on the
+street?" Make a dash after it.
+
+There was a carpenter who made a cupboard door; it proved too big. He
+cut it, and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it
+again, and made it fit beautifully. How was this? He did not cut it
+enough the first time.
+
+There are twelve birds in a covey. A hunter kills a brace, then how
+many remain? None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly away.
+
+A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he could see more with one eye
+than his friend could with two. How was this? Because he saw his
+friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
+
+A hunter and his dog went out hunting. The dog went not behind, went
+not before, nor on one side of him. Where did he go? On the other
+side.
+
+Which would you rather--look a greater fool than you are, or be a
+greater fool than you look? (Let the person choose, then say, "That
+is impossible.")
+
+Which would you rather--that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you
+would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course.
+
+A man stopped before the window of a trunk store; within, a large
+trunk was marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one "$15.00," and a small
+one bore the placard, "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the man said,
+and walked on.
+
+A man was crossing a bridge over a small stream, and noticed a sign
+which read, "Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, and walked on.
+
+
+AGE CONTEST
+
+What age will people reach if they live long enough? Dotage.
+
+To what age do most people look forward? Marriage.
+
+A necessary attribute of a soldier? Courage.
+
+What age is required at sea? Tonnage.
+
+What age are we forbidden to worship? Image.
+
+What age do people get stuck on? Mucilage.
+
+What age is neither more nor less? Average.
+
+What is the age of profanity? Damage.
+
+At what age will vessels ride safely? Anchorage.
+
+What age does the infant in arms pass through? Crib-bage.
+
+What age does the small boy enjoy? Sauce-age (sausage).
+
+What age is the young lady most interested in? Garb-age.
+
+What age does the child in primary school dislike? Ad(d)-age.
+
+What age does the bride desire? Dotage.
+
+What age is necessary for a clergyman? Parsonage.
+
+What is the age of communication? Postage.
+
+What age is most important to travelers? Mileage.
+
+What is the age of slavery? Bondage.
+
+What age is served for breakfast? Sausage.
+
+What is the most indigestible age? Cabbage.
+
+What age signifies the farmer? Tillage.
+
+What age belongs to travelers? Baggage.
+
+What age is an indication of wealth? Acreage.
+
+What age do milliners delight in? Plumage.
+
+What age is shared by a doctor and a lawyer? Patronage.
+
+What age is used in turkey stuffing? (S)age.
+
+What age do a number of people enjoy in common? Village.
+
+
+ANT CONTEST
+
+What is the oldest ant? Adam-ant.
+
+What ant hires his home? Tenant.
+
+What ant is joyful? Jubilant.
+
+What ant is learned? Savant.
+
+What ant is well informed? Conversant.
+
+What ant is trustworthy? Confidant.
+
+What ant is proud? Arrogant.
+
+What ant sees things? Observant.
+
+What ant is angry? Indignant.
+
+What ant tells things? Informant.
+
+What ant is successful? Triumphant.
+
+What ant is an officer? Commandant.
+
+What ant is a beggar? Mendicant.
+
+What ant is obstinate? Defiant.
+
+What ant is youngest? Infant.
+
+What is the ruling ant? Dominant.
+
+What is the wandering ant? Errant.
+
+What ant lives in a house? Occupant.
+
+What ant points out things? Significant.
+
+What ant is prayerful? Supplicant.
+
+
+CITY CONTEST
+
+What city is for few people? Scarcity.
+
+    Happy people? Felicity.
+
+    Hypocrites? Duplicity.
+
+    Chauffeurs? Velocity.
+
+    Truthful people? Veracity.
+
+    Athletes? Elasticity.
+
+    Greedy people? Voracity.
+
+    Wild beasts? Ferocity.
+
+    Home lovers? Domesticity.
+
+    Actors? Publicity.
+
+    Reporters? Audacity.
+
+    Wise people? Sagacity.
+
+    Hungry people? Capacity.
+
+    Telegraph operators? Electricity.
+
+    Crowds? Multiplicity.
+
+    Nations? Reciprocity.
+
+    Old people? Eccentricity.
+
+    Beggars? Mendicity.
+
+    Unhappy people? Infelicity.
+
+    Office-seekers? Pertinacity.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
+
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Handbook of Conundrums
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898]
+
+Language: English
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+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS ***
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+</pre>
+
+
+<div class="trnote">
+<h2>Transcriber's note</h2>
+<p>Obvious punctuation errors have been repaired silently.
+ Word errors have been corrected and a <a href="#trcorrections">list
+  of corrections</a> can be found after the book.</p>
+<p class="center">Skip to the <a href="#CONTENTS">Table of Contents</a>.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="figcenter"><img alt="Book cover" src="images/cover.jpg" width="382" height="585" /></div>
+
+<hr class="w65" />
+
+<h1 class="caps">The Handbook<br />
+of<br />
+Conundrums</h1>
+
+<p class="center caps topmarg">by</p>
+
+<h2 class="caps">Edith B. Ordway</h2>
+
+<p class="center smcap">Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and
+"Synonyms and Antonyms."</p>
+
+<p class="center caps topmarg"><span class="smaller">New York</span><br />
+George Sully and Company</p>
+
+<hr class="w65" />
+
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1914, by</span><br />
+SULLY and KLEINTEICH</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1915, by</span><br />
+SULLY and KLEINTEICH</p>
+
+<hr class="w15" />
+
+<p class="center">All rights reserved</p>
+
+<p class="center caps smaller topmarg">Printed in U. S. A.</p>
+
+<hr class="w65" />
+
+
+<h2>PREFACE</h2>
+
+
+<p>This book presents a grindstone whereon
+the reader may whet his wits. It is of sufficient
+hardness to resist the coarsest metal of
+broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness
+of grain to edge the best steel of fancy.</p>
+
+<p>Like all grindstones, though its form is
+new, its ingredients are of remote origin.
+It has whetted many English and American
+blades for the battle of ideas, and is, therefore,
+in places, somewhat worn. There is,
+however, much absolutely fresh surface.</p>
+
+<p>Any blade of fine temper properly ground
+upon it is warranted to cleave to the dividing
+asunder of such subtle distinctions as that
+between humorsome stupidity and precise
+wit, and that between the wit of laughter
+only and the wit of insight.</p>
+
+<p class="sig">E. B. O.</p>
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2>
+
+
+<p>A conundrum is a riddle in the form of
+a question, the answer to which involves a
+pun. Originally the term was applied to any
+quaint expression. It is thus, in its modern
+form, a union of the elaborated riddle and
+the impromptu pun.</p>
+
+<p>With the earliest development of intelligence
+came the discovery of likeness and
+difference in things, and the search for analogy
+was carried out along both sensible and
+absurd lines, the latter drifting into a double
+analogy of thought and form, of which the
+conundrum is the logical product.</p>
+
+<p>The literatures of all peoples contain the
+riddle, which might be witty or serious as
+impulse prompted. All bright and clever
+minds have seen the possibilities of the pun,
+and so common is it as an impromptu form
+of wit among keen people, so general the
+temptation to fall into it, that it is looked
+upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for thought,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span>
+which often prevents it from finishing its
+course.</p>
+
+<p>The conundrum has, however, an ancient
+and honorable lineage, and, while not often
+given its precise form in conversation or
+anecdote, is readily adapted to the permanent
+embodiment of those flashes of wit
+which enlighten and cheer.</p>
+
+<p>The ability to guess and to propound riddles
+was held in high respect in early times.
+Men of great physical prowess were expected
+to guess riddles to prove their mental
+prowess, and many were the contests of this
+sort which were held. The stakes in these
+contests were very high,&mdash;often life or
+honor. In Norse mythology the prize of
+such a contest was once the daughter of the
+god Thor; in another the life of the giant
+Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to
+win in competition with the god Odin.</p>
+
+<p>So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight,
+a maiden saves herself from an evil
+spirit by successfully guessing his riddles.
+Among many primitive peoples the game of
+riddle-reading was played with opposing
+sides, each headed by a champion, and with
+bets staked on the outcome. Often in ballads
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span>
+and folklore the hero's escape from
+death and final triumph hinge upon the
+guessing of a riddle.</p>
+
+<p>The Semitic people held in high regard
+the power to read riddles, and this power,
+as in the story of Solomon, blends with the
+higher intelligence which makes for wisdom.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew
+conundrums is that of Samson, the strong
+of intellect as of body, who, when he found
+the honey which the wild bees had placed in
+the carcass of a lion, read to the Philistines
+this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth
+meat, and out of the strong came forth
+sweetness."</p>
+
+<p>Among the Greeks and Romans, as
+among earlier peoples, all forms of wit and
+play of word and fancy were tried and popular.
+D'Israeli, in his "Curiosities of Literature,"
+records that "It is certain that
+Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he
+seems to have been more ready with them
+than with repartees."</p>
+
+<p>The story of the famous riddle of the
+Sphinx comes down from Greek mythology.
+The city of Thebes was infested by a monster
+having the body of a lion and the upper
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span>
+part of a woman. She lay crouching upon
+a rock near a narrow pass which led to the
+city, and propounded to all travelers a riddle,
+allowing all who guessed to pass safely,
+but killing all who failed. The uniform failure
+of all who came, and their subsequent
+slaughter, made great lamentation in the
+city. &OElig;dipus, the unacknowledged son of
+the King of Thebes, who had shortly before
+unknowingly killed his father, undertook to
+rid the city of the monster. He boldly confronted
+the Sphinx, who asked him the riddle,
+"What animal is it that in the morning
+goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in
+the evening upon three?" &OElig;dipus replied,
+"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands
+and knees, in manhood walks erect, and in
+old age goes with the aid of a staff."<a name="FNanchor_1" id="FNanchor_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> The
+Sphinx thereupon cast herself from the
+rock and perished, and the Thebans made
+&OElig;dipus king.</p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1" id="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature
+and in Art" (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).</p></div>
+
+<p>There is one age-old riddle, still current
+in Brittany, Germany, and Gascony, about
+which the tradition hovers that Homer died
+with vexation at not being able to discover
+the answer. It is, "What we caught we
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</a></span>
+threw away, what we could not catch we
+kept."</p>
+
+<p>Early folklore riddles dealt with natural
+phenomena. With the Wolofs the riddle of
+the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests
+never?" The Teutonic form was, "What
+can go in the face of the sun, yet leave no
+shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa
+ask: "What is wingless and legless, yet
+flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and
+answer, "The voice."</p>
+
+<p>The oldest English riddles extant are
+among the fragments found in "The Exeter
+Book." These date back to the eighth century
+and were written in Northumbria.
+While these are not conundrums in the modern
+sense, they are very elaborate studies of
+analogy, and contain some of the most
+imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.</p>
+
+<p>In the early half of the <a class="corr" name="TC_1" id="TC_1" title="seventeeth">seventeenth</a> century
+there were published several small
+books, which contain the sources of many of
+the conundrums of the present day. These
+books have been brought together by W.
+Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's
+Jest-Books" (London, 1864). The
+dates of these books are variously 1600,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</a></span>
+1630, 1636, and 1639. The form is narrative,
+with occasional dialogue, and approaches
+that of the conundrum, and the wit
+though far from subtle is often effective.
+Though the names of the authors of some of
+these books are known, the authorship of
+others is in doubt. They were to a considerable
+extent not attributable to one man,
+but were the bright sayings of the day.</p>
+
+<p>The first chapter of the present volume,
+entitled "Early English Wit," brings together,
+in modernized form, some of the
+brightest of these sayings. The strangest
+thing about such a collection is to discover of
+what antiquity some current conundrums are.
+That is notably true of one taken from "Demaundes
+Joyous," printed by Wynkyn de
+Worde in 1511, namely:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot"><p>
+"<i>Demaund.</i> How many straws go to a
+goose's nest?<br />
+<span class="answer">"<i>A.</i> None, for lack of feet.</span>
+</p></div>
+
+<p>Besides the puns which may be made
+within a language itself, through the variety
+of meanings of words and the similarity of
+sound in different words, there is a certain
+class of hybrid puns and conundrums which
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[Pg xiii]</a></span>
+is made by the interchange of languages.
+The following story illustrates this class: A
+newly appointed and bashful young curate
+was visiting a young ladies' school in his
+parish. The ordeal of facing so many
+blooming young misses was endured until,
+the class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared
+and the teacher having requested that
+the translation be made word for word, he
+was startled by the declaration made by a
+pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn"
+(<em>Vicissim</em>, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly
+fled.</p>
+
+<p>When Laud was Archbishop to Charles
+I, it is related that the Court Jester made
+the punning grace, "Great praise be to God
+and little Laud to the Devil," which resulted
+in his banishment by the Archbishop.</p>
+
+<p>Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a
+masterly hand, ringing many changes upon
+it and producing many effects, both grave
+and gay. An example of the quizzical dialogue
+which has the wit of the conundrum as
+its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act
+I., scene 5:</p>
+
+<div class="blockquot">
+<p>
+<i>Clown.</i> Good madonna, why mournest thou?<br />
+<i>Olivia.</i> Good fool, for my brother's death.<br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[Pg xiv]</a></span>
+<i>Clown.</i> I think his soul is in hell, madonna.<br />
+<i>Olivia.</i> I know his soul is in heaven, fool.<br />
+<i>Clown.</i> The more fool, madonna, to mourn for
+your brother's soul being in heaven.
+</p></div>
+
+<p>While the conundrum ranks as the formal
+literary representative of the spontaneous
+pun, the literature of wit is alive with the
+naked pun in its original state. Pope, Hood,
+Lamb, and Holmes are the names of some
+whose punning arraignments of puns and
+punsters make them at once judges and prisoners
+at the bar.</p>
+
+<p>Theodore Hook is accredited with the
+original pun which is the basis of a common
+conundrum. He bragged that he could
+make a pun on any subject, and immediately
+a friend suggested that he make one on the
+King. "The King is no subject," was the
+prompt rejoinder.</p>
+
+<p>The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king
+of punsters," abound in puns, and the sort
+of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed
+in puns. He was primarily a poet,
+and manipulated words in a masterly
+fashion, not letting them deflect his thought.
+An example of the inevitableness of his punning
+is found in the poem on "Sally
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[Pg xv]</a></span>
+Brown": "They went and told the sexton,
+and the sexton toll'd the bell."</p>
+
+<p>A friendly contest between Hook and
+Hood, as to which could make the best pun,
+resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two
+men being of equal merit, according to the
+friend who was called upon to decide.</p>
+
+<p>Alexander Pope, although disapproving
+of the pun as a trifling form of wit, once
+challenged his hearers to suggest a word
+upon which he could not make a pun. The
+word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a
+man under a ship, was given by a woman
+present. "That, Madam," replied Pope,
+"is indeed putting a man under a hardship."</p>
+
+<p>The incident is told of Charles Lamb that
+once when in Salisbury Cathedral the constable
+remarked to him that eight people had
+dined at the top of the spire; whereupon
+Lamb remarked that they must be "very
+sharp set."</p>
+
+<p>The story is told that a man noted for his
+wit in puns was asked in regard to the writings
+of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like
+"to expatiate in such a field?" He replied,
+"No. I can't get over the stile (style)."</p>
+
+<p>From the riddle or pun it is but a short
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[Pg xvi]</a></span>
+step to the conundrum, which takes the pun
+from its purely factitious setting and gives it
+a general application and a permanent form.
+It is, when rightly constructed, at once interesting
+and instructive, teaching as much
+by negative as by affirmative statement. It
+embodies the ever new analogies between
+dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile
+in idiom as the English aids in its mastery.
+Used in application to historical
+and geographical subjects it may serve to
+fix names and places definitely in memory,
+as well as facts which but for the humorous
+interest given to them would be dry and
+easily forgotten.</p>
+
+<p>There is a certain distinctive flavor to the
+current conundrums of a period which tells
+more of the popular interests of the time
+than anything but a newspaper could. The
+best conundrums of each period, or those
+that center around a great event, would
+make most illuminating historical reading.
+The opinions of the day are often more
+clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an
+essay. It would have been of interest to
+know what the wits, as well as the historians,
+said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[Pg xvii]</a></span>
+Tea Party, and of Washington and the
+Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion
+of posterity would not have differed so
+widely from that of the wits as from that of
+the contemporary chroniclers.</p>
+
+<p>John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and
+Mirth," published in 1630, was one of the
+oldest and most distinctive original collections,
+was the forerunner of such punning
+poets as Hood and Holmes. In the dedication
+of his book, in order to forestall criticism
+for the publishing of sayings already
+well-known, he says: "Because I had
+many of them (the jests) by relation and
+heare-say, I am in doubt that some of them
+may be in print in some other Authors,
+which I doe assure you is more then I doe
+know." The authors of all compilations of
+conundrums in the almost three centuries
+since have had to make increasingly comprehensive
+acknowledgment, which the present
+author here hastens to give, having drawn
+from the great common sources, as well as
+from the unpublished current wit of the day.</p>
+
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2>
+
+
+<p class="toc"><a href="#INTRODUCTION">Introduction</a><span class="num">7</span></p>
+<p class="toc"><span>Chapter</span><span class="num smcap">Page</span></p>
+<ol class="toc">
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_I">Early English Wit</a><span class="num">1</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_II">Mythological Conundrums</a><span class="num">18</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_III">Biblical Conundrums</a><span class="num">20</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">Historical Conundrums</a><span class="num">30</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_V">Conundrums of the Civil War Period</a><span class="num">38</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VI">Geographical Conundrums</a><span class="num">44</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">Literary Conundrums</a><span class="num">52</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">Conundrums of the Alphabet</a><span class="num">60</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">General Conundrums</a><span class="num">73</span></li>
+<li><a href="#CHAPTER_X">Charades, Stories, and Contests</a><span class="num">183</span></li>
+</ol>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I<br />
+<span class="smcap">Early English Wit</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees,
+and posers of this chapter, the sayings of
+which were current from about 1600 on to
+the present day, is seen the growth of the
+modern form of conundrum, which is adhered
+to largely in the remaining chapters
+of this book.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p>A poet was asked where his wits were.
+"A-wool-gathering," he answered. "No
+people have more need of it," was the reply.</p>
+
+<p>A good client is like a study gown, which
+sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer
+warm.</p>
+
+<p>"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide
+lines?" "It is done to keep the peace.
+For if the plaintiff should be in one line and
+the defendant in the next, with the lines too
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span>
+near together, they might perhaps fall together
+by the ears."</p>
+
+<p>A master spoke in a strain which his
+servant did not understand. The servant
+thereupon asked that his master might
+rather give him blows than such hard words.</p>
+
+<p>What great scholar is this same Finis, because
+his name is to almost every book?<a name="FNanchor_2" id="FNanchor_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2" id="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a>
+Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits,
+Clinches, Flashes, and Whimzies" (London,
+1639), the earliest of its kind, and calls attention to
+the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's plays were
+written by <em>Mr. Preface</em> or <em>Mr. Finis</em>.</p></div>
+
+<p>A prodigal is like a brush that spends
+itself to make others go handsome in their
+clothes.</p>
+
+<p>An antiquary loves everything for being
+moldy and worm-eaten,&mdash;as Dutchmen do
+cheese.</p>
+
+<p>It was said that a player had "an idle employment
+of it." "You are mistaken," was
+the reply, "for his whole life is nothing
+else but action."</p>
+
+<p>A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened
+to a cinnamon tree,&mdash;because the bark was
+of more worth than the body.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying
+that he had hitherto found him a fast friend,
+and hoped he should find him so still.</p>
+
+<p>A scholar who was much given to going
+abroad, was advised that he put away his
+cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his
+study."</p>
+
+<p>It was remarked that "poetry and plain
+dealing were a couple of handsome wenches."
+It was replied that "he who weds himself
+to either of them shall die a beggar."</p>
+
+<p>Why are women so crooked and perverse
+in their conditions? <span class="answer">Because the first woman
+was made of a crooked thing.</span></p>
+
+<p>One was advised to marry a little woman,
+because "of evils the least was to be
+chosen."</p>
+
+<p>A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been
+made by the practice of his profession, desired
+to bequeath a certain sum to the insane
+asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned
+why, he replied that he had got his money
+of mad men, and he would give it to them
+again.</p>
+
+<p>The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless
+one, because it is "nothing else but to
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span>
+take away those things whereby every man
+gets his living."</p>
+
+<p>"A vainglorious man" was bragging that
+his father and uncle had founded a certain
+hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet
+know that your father and your uncle were
+the mere confounders (co-founders) of that
+hospital you speak of."</p>
+
+<p>It was said that corn was a quarrelsome
+creature, because it rose by the blade, and
+fell by the ears with those that cut it.</p>
+
+<p>A tailor was commended for his dexterity,
+whereupon it was remarked that tailors had
+their business at their fingers' ends.</p>
+
+<p>Colliers and mine-workers, it was said,
+should be well acquainted with all the philosophical
+secrets of the earth, because they
+had a deeper knowledge of it than any
+others.</p>
+
+<p>"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope
+of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle
+a fellow, yet he is still mending."</p>
+
+<p>"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical
+fellow under the sun, for he hath always
+many irons in the fire."
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>The proverb, "Wit bought is better than
+wit taught," had added to it the comment,
+"because he that never bought any is but
+a natural wit," embodying the play on the
+word "natural," the early name for "fool."</p>
+
+<p>Tall men are the most happy, because
+they are nearer heaven than other men.
+They should also be great politicians, because
+they have extraordinary reach.</p>
+
+<p>Of all soldiers musketeers are the most
+lazy, for they are always at rest.</p>
+
+<p>It is necessary that some rich men be
+dunces, because pretenders to learning may
+get preferment, and good wits will be able
+to help themselves.</p>
+
+<p>Carpenters are the most civil men because
+they never do their business without a rule.</p>
+
+<p>A hangman is the most trusty of friends,
+for, if he once have to do with a man, he
+will see him hanged before he shall want
+money or anything else.</p>
+
+<p>Physicians have the best of it. If they do
+well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth
+covers it.</p>
+
+<p>A man and his wife were fighting. One
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span>
+was asked why he did not part them, and replied,
+that he "had been better bred than to
+part man and wife."</p>
+
+<p>Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure
+war well, for they would never be stifled
+with fire and smoke.</p>
+
+<p>Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their
+calling, for they never do anything but it is
+against the hair (fiddlestring).</p>
+
+<p>Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts
+men, because they never think that
+they are better employed than when they
+are addicted to their vices.</p>
+
+<p>It is no great matter what a drunkard says
+in his drink, for he never says anything that
+he can stand to.</p>
+
+<p>"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world
+go which way it will, though there be never
+so much alteration in times and persons) are
+still stable men."</p>
+
+<p>A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and
+to the devil. God hates him, because he is
+not what he seems; man hates him, because
+he seems what he is not; and the devil hates
+him, because he seems not what he truly is.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Stage players are the most philosophical
+of men, because they are as content in rags as
+in robes.</p>
+
+<p>"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,&mdash;they
+carry their whole estate upon their
+backs.</p>
+
+<p>An <a class="corr" name="TC_2" id="TC_2" title="occulist">oculist</a> is an excellent sleight-of-hand
+performer; because if he undertakes to cure
+a blind man, he will so do it that the patient
+shall see he does it.</p>
+
+<p>He that buys a horse in Smithfield and
+does not look upon him before he buy him,
+with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse
+and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles
+for others to look on.</p>
+
+<p>Cobblers must be good men because they
+set men upright, and are always employed in
+mending soles.</p>
+
+<p>A wild young gentleman desired to sell his
+land, and was asked the reason, to which he
+answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but
+could not possibly do so until he had forsaken
+earth.</p>
+
+<p>A drunkard, returning home at night,
+found his wife hard at her spinning. She
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span>
+reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended
+herself for her good housewifery.
+He replied that she had no great cause to
+chide, for, as she had been spinning, he
+came all the way home reeling.</p>
+
+<p>An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed
+all patients that came under his hands,
+boasted that he was a better man than the
+parson; "For," he said, "your cure maintains
+but yourself, but my cures maintain all
+the sextons in the town."</p>
+
+<p>A man by the name of Stone fell off his
+horse into deep water, from which he
+struggled, but not without some danger.
+His companion laughed, and when rebuked,
+replied that any man would laugh to see a
+stone swim.</p>
+
+<p>One who had received a threat that another
+would break his head with a stone,
+replied, "It is a hard matter to break my
+head with a stone."</p>
+
+<p>A physician sought to collect a bill due for
+service to a patient who had died. He was
+told that it was a work of charity to visit
+the sick, but if he wanted money so badly
+the only way was for him to visit the dead,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span>
+and then he would not want money any more.</p>
+
+<p>The following dialogue took place between
+two friends: "I love to hear a man
+talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear
+yourself talk as well as any man."</p>
+
+<p>A gentleman made some purchases upon
+trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that
+he would owe him so much money. The
+proprietor was for a time content, but when
+he sought to collect the payment, the gentleman
+told him that he had not promised to
+pay him, but had promised to owe him so
+much money, and that he would not break his
+promise, as he would have to if he paid the
+debt.</p>
+
+<p>"What are Shakespeare's works worth,
+all bound together?" "Not a farthing."
+"Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His
+plays are worth a great deal of money, but I
+never heard that his works are worth anything
+at all."</p>
+
+<p>A man met his friend riding without boots,
+and asked him about what business he went.
+The friend replied that it was a matter of
+great importance, and that he was in great
+haste. The man said, "I am afraid that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span>
+your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the
+rider. "Because," was the reply, "you ride
+of a bootless errand."</p>
+
+<p>Which of the letters of the alphabet are
+the most authentic on a bill or bond? <span class="answer">I O U.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do not men and their wives agree
+better nowadays? Because men are now
+more learned, and know that "it is false
+concord that the masculine and feminine
+gender should agree at all."</p>
+
+<p>A man had the pictures of the five senses
+stolen from his house, and came to a justice,
+desiring that the thieves might be bound to
+the peace. "For what?" asked the justice.
+"For stealing your pictures?" "Yes," replied
+the man. "I thought," said the justice,
+"that you had lost your senses, that you
+talk so idly."</p>
+
+<p>One in the midst of a crowd of people on
+the top of the steeple of St. Paul's Church,
+London, had his pocket picked. "What villains
+are these," he exclaimed, "to pick a
+man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," said
+another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."</p>
+
+<p>A scholar was fond of sitting in a study
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span>
+hung around with brown paper, because, he
+would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a
+brown study.</p>
+
+<p>"Why are there drums in the wars?"
+"To stir up the valor of the soldiers."
+"Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls,
+the drums are sure to be beaten."</p>
+
+<p>Why does B stand before C? <span class="answer">Because a
+man must B before he can C.</span></p>
+
+<p>How long is the longest letter in the English
+alphabet? <span class="answer">An L long.</span></p>
+
+<p>Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith,
+conspired together to steal a silver
+bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith
+gilded it over that it might not be
+known. They were arrested, however, and
+when the matter came to trial, the judge
+said, that though the other stole it, yet the
+guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.</p>
+
+<p>One came upon a sexton making a grave
+for a great tall fellow by the name of Button,
+and asked him for whom that extraordinarily
+long grave was. The sexton answered, that
+he had made many longer than that, and said
+it was but a button-hole compared with some
+graves that he had made.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>A man, whose name was You, married a
+woman of the same name, and was ever after
+called "Master W."</p>
+
+<p>One was wondering why the people of
+Ęthiopia did not write straight along as the
+northern people do, and another answered
+that they wrote under the line, and that was
+the reason of it.</p>
+
+<p>A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow,
+complained to a scholar that he had bad luck
+in his business, and that usually those things
+which he took to dye were spoiled. The
+scholar told him that the only way to have
+this amended was to reform himself, for he
+that lived ill could never dye well.</p>
+
+<p>What herb is there that cures all diseases?
+<span class="answer">Thyme.</span></p>
+
+<p>An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because
+he was not nimble enough at his work,
+and had not his nails and hammer in readiness
+when he should use them; and said that
+when he himself was an apprentice he was
+taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.</p>
+
+<p>What does that young man deserve who
+loves always to be in a playhouse? <span class="answer">A box.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>One expressed surprise that there were
+so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding
+that there was a watch at every
+corner. It was answered that this was all
+one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet
+with a watch as with anything else.</p>
+
+<p>One who was skilled in writing shorthand
+offered to teach a lawyer's clerk his skill, but
+the latter thanked him for his offer, and told
+him that they could not live by making short
+hand of anything.</p>
+
+<p>A coward related to his friend that one
+had given him a box upon the ear, but that
+he, instead of returning the blow, had turned
+to him the other ear also. The friend replied,
+"Sure, there was a great fight betwixt
+you, when blows were given on both sides."</p>
+
+<p>The word Interpreter is derived from
+Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt
+two that spoke several languages.</p>
+
+<p>A company of gentlemen entered a tavern
+whose sign was the Moon, and called for a
+quart of sack. The drawer told them that
+they had none, and that the man in the Moon
+always drank claret.</p>
+
+<p>A countryman, being asked how a certain
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span>
+river which ran through that country was
+called, replied, that they never had need to
+call the river, for it came without calling.</p>
+
+<p>A country fellow who was unaccustomed
+to paved streets, came to London, and a dog
+suddenly ran out of one of the houses and
+came furiously at him. The fellow stooped
+to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but
+finding them all fast rammed or paved into
+the ground, exclaimed, "What a strange
+country am I in, where the people tie up the
+stones, and let the dogs loose!"</p>
+
+<p>A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering
+knave, said, "Sirrah, if thou dost not
+mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly
+hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee."
+The bold knave replied, "I thank your worship
+for that kind offer, and I beseech your
+worship not to be out of the way, when I
+shall have occasion to use you."</p>
+
+<p>A sailor riding from Dover to London on
+a tired horse, was urged by his companions
+to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he
+replied. "Do you not see that I am becalmed?"</p>
+
+<p>Between twelve and one o'clock one asked
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span>
+me what o'clock it was. I answered, "Little
+or nothing." He demanded what I
+meant. I replied that, it being not one of
+the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted
+for naught, as that which is less than one is
+little or nothing.</p>
+
+<p>(James the First and his successor created
+knights profusely for the purpose of raising
+money. From this fact grew the following
+conundrum:) Why did a knight take place
+of a gentleman? <span class="answer">Because they were knights
+nowadays before they were gentlemen.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do fat men love their ease so much?
+<span class="answer">Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and
+is therefore loath to rise.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? <span class="answer">A
+fool in earnest.</span></p>
+
+<p>One, hearing that a traveler had been on
+the peak of Teneriffe (which is supposed to
+be one of the highest hills in the world),
+asked him why he had not stayed there, for
+he was sure he would never come so near
+heaven again.</p>
+
+<p>What countryman is the devil? <span class="answer">A Spaniard;
+for Spaniards, like the devil, trouble
+the whole world. (1600.)</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Musicians may be compared to chameleons,
+because they live by air.</p>
+
+<p>What countryman is a ploughman? <span class="answer">They
+are all born in Hungary.</span></p>
+
+<p>Printers are the most lawless men in the
+kingdom, because they commit faults with
+license.</p>
+
+<p>Why should men think there is a world in
+the moon? <span class="answer">Because they are lunatic.<br />
+(This refers to the book, "A Discovery of
+a New World," by Bishop Wilkins, which
+had just appeared in 1638.)</span></p>
+
+<p>It was asked of one who wore a threadbare
+coat, whether his coat were not sleepy.
+"Why do you ask?" queried the owner.
+"Because," was the reply, "I think it hath
+not had a nap this seven year."</p>
+
+<p>One remarked "that it was a good fashion
+that was worn nowadays" (1639), "because
+the tailors had so contrived that there was
+little or no waste in a whole suit."</p>
+
+<p>The philosopher's stone had need turn all
+metals to gold because the study of it turns
+all a man's gold to other metal.</p>
+
+<p>A Gallant with a galloping wit was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span>
+mounted upon a running horse toward a town
+named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford,
+and, riding at full speed, he met an old man,
+and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the way to
+Tame?'  'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse,
+I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the
+devil.'</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And seems to want an &OElig;dipus or Sphinx,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit<a name="FNanchor_3" id="FNanchor_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3" id="Footnote_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Sufficient.</p></div>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II<br />
+<span class="smcap">Mythological Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>Where was Time raised? <span class="answer">In the lapse
+of ages.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do we know that Jupiter wore very
+pinching boots? <span class="answer">Because we read of his
+struggles with the tight-uns (Titans).</span></p>
+
+<p>What great astronomer is like Venus's
+chariot? <span class="answer">Her-shell (Herschell).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a woman residing up a pair of
+stairs remind you of a goddess? <span class="answer">Because
+she's a second floorer (Flora).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man looking for the philosopher's
+stone like Neptune? <span class="answer">Because he's a sea-king
+(a-seeking) what never was.</span></p>
+
+<p>If all the seas were dried up, what would
+Neptune say? <span class="answer">I really haven't an ocean (a
+notion).</span></p>
+
+<p>If a young lady were to wish her father to
+pull her on the river, what classical name
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span>
+might she mention? <span class="answer">You row, pa (Europa).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Orpheus always in bad company?
+<span class="answer">Because you never see him without a lyre.</span></p>
+
+<p>If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the
+Bay of Salamis, what would he have been
+when he came out? <span class="answer">A dripping Pan.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did Io die of? <span class="answer">Io-dide of potassium.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a lady think her husband a
+Hercules? <span class="answer">When he can't get on without
+his club.</span></p>
+
+<p>What girl does Echo think can best answer
+questions? <span class="answer">Ann, sir.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Leander voluntarily drowned?
+<span class="answer">It was through his-whim (his swim) only.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a coach going down a steep hill
+like St. George? <span class="answer">Because it is always drawn
+with the drag-on.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III<br />
+<span class="smcap">Biblical Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>What three words did Adam use when
+he introduced himself to Eve, which read
+backwards and forwards the same?
+<span class="answer">"Madam, I'm Adam."</span></p>
+
+<p>At what time of day was Adam born? <span class="answer">A
+little before Eve.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the first day of Adam's life the
+longest? <span class="answer">Because it had no Eve.</span></p>
+
+<p>How were Adam and Eve prevented from
+gambling? <span class="answer">Their pair o' dice (Paradise)
+was taken away from them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What stone should have been placed at
+the gate of Eden after the expulsion? <span class="answer">Adamantine
+(Adam ain't in).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave
+him? <span class="answer">Because he had no knife.</span></p>
+
+<p>At what time was Adam married? <span class="answer">Upon
+his wedding Eve.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What evidence have we that Adam used
+sugar? <span class="answer">Because he raised Cain.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the first man condemned to hard
+labor for life? <span class="answer">Adam.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was first interested in horse racing?
+<span class="answer">Adam&mdash;he was the father of the race.</span></p>
+
+<p>How many apples were eaten in the
+Garden of Eden? <span class="answer">Eve ate, and Adam, too,
+and the devil won,&mdash;eleven in all.</span></p>
+
+<p>What one word will name the common
+parent of both beasts and man? <span class="answer">A-dam.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was the first surgical operation performed
+without the aid of instruments?
+<span class="answer">The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made
+into a wife.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought Adam to have been perfectly
+satisfied with his wife? <span class="answer">Because she was
+cut out especially for him.</span></p>
+
+<p>How did Adam and Eve feel when they
+left the Garden of Eden? <span class="answer">Put out.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why were the gates of Eden shut after
+Adam and Eve went out? <span class="answer">To keep the
+dam(p) air out.</span></p>
+
+<p>What fur did Adam and Eve wear?
+<span class="answer">Bear (bare) skin.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why had Eve no fear of the measles? <span class="answer">Because
+she'd Adam (had 'em).</span></p>
+
+<p>For what was Eve made? <span class="answer">For Adam's
+Express Company.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did Adam first plant in the Garden
+of Eden? <span class="answer">His foot.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who first introduced walking-sticks?
+<span class="answer">Eve gave Adam a little Cain.</span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of cottages did Adam's sons
+prefer? <span class="answer">Cottages with eaves (Eves).</span></p>
+
+<p>Was our mother Eve High or Low
+Church? <span class="answer">Adam thought her Eve-angelical.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did Adam and Eve do when they
+got out of Eden? <span class="answer">Raised Cain.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Paradise like a cucumber? <span class="answer">Because
+it had a pair-in (paring).</span></p>
+
+<p>When was the first gambling? <span class="answer">When
+Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise (pair o'
+dice) for an apple.</span></p>
+
+<p>When did fruit first begin to swear?
+<span class="answer">When the apple damned the first pair.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the fastest runner in the world?
+<span class="answer">Adam&mdash;he was first in the human race.</span></p>
+
+<p>How long did Cain hate his brother? <span class="answer">As
+long as he was able (Abel).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Cain's murder like the main
+strength of his leg? <span class="answer">Because it was a sin-new.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can a whipping be ordered for a boy
+in five Old Testament names? <span class="answer">Adam, Seth,
+Eve, Cain, Abel.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a printing press like the forbidden
+fruit? <span class="answer">Because from it springs a knowledge
+of good and evil.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was four weeks old when Cain was
+born, and is not yet five? <span class="answer">The moon.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who first introduced salt pork into the
+Navy? <span class="answer">Noah, when he took Ham into the
+ark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering
+the ark? <span class="answer">Because, although the ark
+was high, Noah was a higher ark
+(Hierarch).</span></p>
+
+<p>In what place did the cock crow so loud
+that all the world heard him? <span class="answer">In the ark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which animal took most luggage into the
+ark, and which the least? <span class="answer">The elephant,
+who had his trunk; while the fox and the
+cock had only a brush and a comb between
+them.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the greatest financier of early
+times? <span class="answer">Noah,&mdash;he floated his stock when
+all the world was in liquidation.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where did Noah strike the first nail in
+the ark? <span class="answer">On the head.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was Noah busy about in the ark?
+<span class="answer">Preserving pairs.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where did Noah keep his bees? <span class="answer">In the
+Archives.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do we know that Noah had beer in
+the ark? <span class="answer">Because the kangaroo went in with
+hops, and the bear was always <em>Bruin</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the cat say when she looked out
+of the window of the ark? <span class="answer">Is that Ararat?</span></p>
+
+<p>In what order did Noah come from the
+ark? <span class="answer">He came forth.</span></p>
+
+<p>When did Abraham sleep five in a bed?
+<span class="answer">When he slept with his forefathers.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the
+pit? <span class="answer">They thought that it was a good opening
+for the young man.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where is the theater mentioned in the
+Bible? <span class="answer">Where Joseph left the family circle
+and went into the pit.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who had the first free entrance into a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span>
+theater? <span class="answer">Joseph, when he got into the pit
+for nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>What person in the Bible died a death
+that no one else ever died&mdash;and a part of
+whose shroud is on every dining table?
+<span class="answer">Lot's wife.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did Lot do when his wife turned to
+salt? <span class="answer">Got a fresh one.</span></p>
+
+<p>What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver,
+reminds us of a gladiatorial show at
+Rome? <span class="answer">The bulrushes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Moses the wickedest man that
+ever lived? <span class="answer">Because he broke all the Ten
+Commandments at once.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where are bank checks mentioned in the
+Bible? <span class="answer">Pharaoh got a check on the bank of
+the Red Sea&mdash;crossed by Moses and Co.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a
+broker? <span class="answer">Because she drew a little prophet
+from the rushes on the bank.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was Pharaoh's chief objection to
+Moses? <span class="answer">He found him more plague than
+prophet.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do we know that there was a panic
+in the early days of Moses? <span class="answer">Because there
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span>
+were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and
+Pharaoh's daughter withdrew a valuable deposit.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do we assume that Moses wore a
+wig? <span class="answer">Because sometimes he was seen with
+Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.</span></p>
+
+<p>If you were to throw a white stone into
+the Red Sea, what would it become? <span class="answer">Wet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who were the first mathematicians mentioned
+in the Bible? <span class="answer">The Children of Israel,
+who multiplied upon the face of the earth.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the ancient
+Israelites and modern washstands? <span class="answer">The
+former had hewers of wood and drawers of
+water; the latter have ewers of water and
+drawers of wood.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would it be impossible to starve in
+the desert of Sahara? <span class="answer">Because of the
+sandwiches (sand which is) there.</span></p>
+
+<p>How did the sandwiches get there? <span class="answer">When
+Ham was sent there with his followers, who
+were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard),
+and when Lot's wife was turned into a pillar
+of salt, all but-ter (but her) went into the
+desert.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the oldest man that ever lived,
+yet who died before his father did?<span class="answer"> Methuselah:
+his father Enoch did not die, but was
+translated.</span></p>
+
+<p>If Richard Jones were milking a cow too
+quickly, what ancient name would that animal
+mention? <span class="answer">Melchisedek (Milk easy,
+Dick).</span></p>
+
+<p>What man had no father? <span class="answer">Joshua, the
+son of Nun.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who took the first newspapers? <span class="answer">Cain
+took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua countermanded
+the Sun.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished
+when David hit him with a stone?
+<span class="answer">Because such a thing had never entered his
+head before.</span></p>
+
+<p>How many soft-boiled eggs could the
+giant Goliath eat upon an empty stomach?
+<span class="answer">One, after which his stomach was not empty.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ancient king was often literally in
+his contemporaries' mouth? <span class="answer">Agag.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between Solomon
+and Rothschild? <span class="answer">The one was king of the
+Jews, the other Jew of the kings.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Where did the Witch of Endor live&mdash;and
+end-her days? <span class="answer">At Endor.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was hanged for not wearing a wig?
+<span class="answer">Absalom.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what tongue did Balaam's donkey
+speak? <span class="answer">Probably in he-bray-ic.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would Samson have made an excellent
+actor? <span class="answer">Because he could so easily bring
+down the house.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday
+like Nebuchadnezzar in his debased condition?
+<span class="answer">Because it was my tumbler (might
+humbler).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between Nineveh
+and a donkey-boy? <span class="answer">One is in Assyria, the
+other is an ass-hurryer.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the first unfortunate speculator?
+<span class="answer">Jonah, because he got taken in.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the whale gain in the little
+transaction between him and Jonah? <span class="answer">The
+whale got all the prophet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the whale which swallowed
+Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an
+independence? <span class="answer">Because he took a great
+profit (prophet) out of the water.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>How did Jonah feel when the whale was
+going to swallow him? <span class="answer">Down in the mouth&mdash;as
+if he was going to blubber.</span></p>
+
+<p>What divine law did the whale obey when
+he swallowed Jonah? <span class="answer">Jonah was a stranger
+and he took him in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was Jonah's tutor? <span class="answer">The whale that
+brought him up.</span></p>
+
+<p>Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from
+the modern theologians? <span class="answer">Because while he
+disagreed with the whale, they disagree
+about him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was John the Baptist like a penny?
+<span class="answer">Because he was one cent (sent).</span></p>
+
+<p>Who won the first horse race in the Bible?
+<span class="answer">Herodias' daughter when she got a head of
+John the Baptist on a charger.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a policeman like the good Samaritan?
+<span class="answer">When he comes out of some area
+(Samaria).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which are the two smallest things mentioned
+in the Scripture? <span class="answer">The widow's mite,
+and the wicked flee.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a good wife like the devil? <span class="answer">While
+the husbandman sleepeth, she seweth (soweth)
+tears (tares).</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV<br />
+<span class="smcap">Historical Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>There has been but one king crowned in
+England since the conquest. What king was
+he? <span class="answer">James I. He was King of Scotland before
+he was King of England.</span></p>
+
+<p>When Louis Philippe was deposed, why
+did he lose less than any of his subjects?
+<span class="answer">Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost
+a sovereign.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like
+a wager which is neither lost nor won? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a drawn Bet.</span></p>
+
+<p>What Egyptian official would a little boy
+mention if he were to call his mother to the
+window to see something wonderful?
+<span class="answer">"Mammy, look!" (Mameluke).</span></p>
+
+<p>What young ladies won the battle of Salamis?
+<span class="answer">The Miss Tocles (Themistocles).</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the most wretched of all the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span>
+murderers of Julius Cęsar? <span class="answer">The miserable
+Cinna (sinner).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the Emperor
+of Russia and a beggar? <span class="answer">One issues
+manifestoes; the other manifests toes without
+'is shoes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Emperor of Russia like a
+greedy schoolboy on Christmas Day? <span class="answer">Because
+he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and
+longs for Turkey.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn?
+<span class="answer">Because it is one of the great composers of
+modern times.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was William Tell like a post? <span class="answer">Because
+they couldn't get a bough out of him.</span></p>
+
+<p>The name of what character in history
+would a person mention in asking the servant
+to put coal on the fire? <span class="answer">Philip the Great
+(fill up the grate).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson?
+<span class="answer">Because the last thing he did was to die for
+his country, and that is about the last thing
+the volunteers intend doing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did the population of Rome decrease
+just before the fall of the empire? <span class="answer">Because
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span>
+the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.</span></p>
+
+<p>When Charles I was beheaded, of what
+dish did the executioner dine, and where?
+<span class="answer">He took a chop at the King's Head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought Charles I to have preferred
+burning to decapitation? <span class="answer">Because a hot
+steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold
+chop.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did the Highlanders do most execution
+at Waterloo? <span class="answer">Because every man had
+one kilt before the battle began.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the Royal Academicians the
+greatest swells ever known? <span class="answer">Because Solomon,
+even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d
+(arrayed) like one of these.</span></p>
+
+<p>What piece of music did the Romans, at
+the time of the early Christians, most enjoy?
+<span class="answer">A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).</span></p>
+
+<p>If a nice plump Member of Parliament
+were eaten uncooked by savages, why would
+he be like Louis Napoleon? <span class="answer">Because he
+would be served as an M. P. raw (emperor).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the list of celebrated musical composers
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span>
+like a saucepan? <span class="answer">Because it is incomplete
+without a Handel.</span></p>
+
+<p>When was Napoleon I most shabbily
+dressed? <span class="answer">When out at Elba (elbow).</span></p>
+
+<p>What was once the most fashionable cap
+in Paris? <span class="answer">The mob&mdash;without a crown.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what respects were the governments of
+Algiers and Malta as different as light from
+darkness? <span class="answer">The one was governed by deys,
+the other by knights.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand?
+<span class="answer">Because Penn was the first man who
+entered it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf
+in Rome? <span class="answer">Because he thought it a good
+opening for a young man.</span></p>
+
+<p>What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal?
+<span class="answer">They were six (Sikhs) and we (the
+English) one (won).</span></p>
+
+<p>What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle)
+of the English soldiers? <span class="answer">The battle of
+Assay(e).</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is the first little boy mentioned by a
+single word in the history of England?
+<span class="answer">Chap. I.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the first postman? <span class="answer">Cadmus.
+He carried letters from Ph&oelig;nicia to Greece.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where was Humboldt going when he was
+thirty-nine years old? <span class="answer">Into his fortieth
+year.</span></p>
+
+<p>What three letters give the name of a famous
+Roman general? <span class="answer">C P O (Scipio).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his
+umbrella when he left Paris? <span class="answer">Just as he
+left the rain (reign) was over.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the English the worst judges of
+cattle in the world? <span class="answer">Because the Pope sent
+them a bull and they thought it a bore
+(boar).</span></p>
+
+<p>If you wish a very religious man to go to
+sleep, by what imperial name should you address
+him? <span class="answer">Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest
+ever erected? <span class="answer">Because it was built for
+one sovereign&mdash;and finished for another.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it only natural that the memory of
+Guy Fawkes should be execrated? <span class="answer">Because
+he was the inventor of parliamentary trains,
+and they are wretchedly slow.</span></p>
+
+<p>Show that a simple typographical error
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span>
+was the cause of the defeats of the poor
+Austrians (1866). <span class="answer">They sent for reserves,
+and got reverses.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient
+Greece? <span class="answer">Because it once had a Solon (sole
+on).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should Columbus be classed among
+astronomers rather than among explorers?
+<span class="answer">Because he <a class="corr" name="TC_3" id="TC_3" title="dicovered">discovered</a> a whole New World.</span></p>
+
+<p>What's the difference between a middle-aged
+cooper and a trooper of the Middle
+Ages? <span class="answer">The one is used to put a head on
+his cask, the other used to put a cask
+(casque) on his head.</span></p>
+
+<p>What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? <span class="answer">A fig,
+for is it not an F I G (effigy)?</span></p>
+
+<p>How is it England and Russia conjointly
+govern the ocean? <span class="answer">Because England rules
+the waves, and Russia the serfs.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was the difference between Shakespeare
+and Queen Elizabeth? <span class="answer">One was a
+<em>won</em>der, the other a <em>Tu</em>dor.</span></p>
+
+<p>What Tory do the Whigs want on their
+side? <span class="answer">Vic-tory.</span></p>
+
+<p>It went before Queen Mary, it followed
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span>
+King William to the end? <span class="answer">The letter "m."</span></p>
+
+<p>Who caught the fossil fishes? <span class="answer">The geological
+fissures (fishers).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the Shah of Persia, during his
+visit to England, the best card-player in the
+world? <span class="answer">Because the swells gave up their
+clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and
+the ladies were within an ace of losing their
+hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic
+robin? <span class="answer">The Diet of Wurms did not agree
+with him.</span></p>
+
+<p>When was beef-tea introduced into England?
+<span class="answer">When Henry VIII dissolved the
+Pope's bull.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why could not Napoleon III insure his
+life? <span class="answer">Because no man living was able to
+make out his policy.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between two celebrated
+Saxon leaders of the fifth century and
+two others famous in these days? <span class="answer">The
+former were Engist and Horsa, the latter
+are engines and horses.</span></p>
+
+<p>What celebrated battle was fought in a
+dirty slum? <span class="answer">The battle of A-gin-court.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills
+in? <span class="answer">In cider (inside her).</span></p>
+
+<p>What was Joan of Arc made of? <span class="answer">Maid
+of Orleans.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did they find under the Maine? <span class="answer">A
+horse's neck.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's
+motto? <span class="answer">Give a dog a good name and&mdash;hang
+him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Some one mentioning that "columba" was
+the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the
+following: What is the difference between
+the Old World and the New? <span class="answer">The former
+was discovered by <em>Columba</em>, who started
+from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who
+started from Ge-noa.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between Kossuth
+and a half-starved countryman? <span class="answer">One is a
+native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who may be said to have had the largest
+family in America? <span class="answer">George Washington,
+for he was the father of his country.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V<br />
+<span class="smcap">Conundrums of the Civil War Period</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>Why does our army differ from the army
+of the Revolution? <span class="answer">Because in one case the
+army is bound to defend Washington, in the
+other Washington was bound to defend the
+army.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated
+English ruler of the seventeenth century,
+"Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"?
+<span class="answer">Because it breaks asunder the chains of despotism
+and adds a link on (A. Lincoln) to
+history.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an owl in the daylight like the President
+of the United States? <span class="answer">Because he is
+a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is one of the new Treasury notes like
+a young lady's love letter? <span class="answer">Because it is the
+acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid)
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span>
+to which an unusual amount of interest is attached.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the American Union a puzzle to
+the most profound astronomers? <span class="answer">Because
+some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot
+predict their return.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is General McClellan like the Established
+Church? <span class="answer">Because he governs by
+Can(n)on Law.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water
+like the Union? <span class="answer">Because it will not dissolve.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the shot and shell of the blockading
+squadron like lovers' vows? <span class="answer">Because
+they are intended for privateers (private
+ears).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are American greenbacks like the
+Jews? <span class="answer">Because they are the product of Abraham,
+and no one knows if they will ever be
+redeemed.</span></p>
+
+<p>Upon what guard do the New York
+Zouaves most desire to be put? <span class="answer">Beaure-guard.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would the colors of our national ensign
+make a good dress for ladies? <span class="answer">Because
+they are colors that won't run.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain
+class of the city employees? <span class="answer">Because
+they may be seen by scores on a fair day
+sweeping the streets.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what relation does the President of the
+United States stand to Adam? <span class="answer">As second
+son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it impossible for the government
+to grant the request of our Southern
+brethren? <span class="answer">Because children in arms are
+never left alone.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, when the rebels smite us upon the
+right cheek, should we refuse to turn towards
+them the left cheek also? <span class="answer">Because
+they have too much "cheek" already.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Major General McClellan like
+Charles Dickens? <span class="answer">Because he is the author
+of "Great Expectations."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque
+like secrets? <span class="answer">Because they are for privateers
+(private ears).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Cain an enemy of President
+Lincoln? <span class="answer">Because he hated Abe L.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is our army like an entry clerk? <span class="answer">Because
+it is ready to charge.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is President Lincoln like a mariner
+on a desolate shore? <span class="answer">Because he looks to
+Seward (seaward).</span></p>
+
+<p>How does the Copyright Law affect the
+war? <span class="answer">It gives us the right to <em>enter</em>, according
+to act of Congress, all the rebel States.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why cannot rebels ever dress well? <span class="answer">Because
+they have proved, by deserting their
+flag, that they have no eye for colors.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras
+like an English nobleman's mansion? <span class="answer">Because
+there was a Butler engaged in it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why will Americans have more cause to
+remember the letter S than any other letter
+in the alphabet? <span class="answer">Because it is the beginning
+of secession and the end of Jeff Davis.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should it not be loyal for a Union
+lady to accept a token of regard from a lover
+at the present time? <span class="answer">Because it would be receiving
+a Beauregard (beau-regard).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the rebellion like the world? <span class="answer">Because
+it is coming to an end.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why has Massachusetts done more towards
+the war loan than any other State?
+<span class="answer">Because she has sent even her Banks.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are two lovers pledged to each other
+like the Federal Army before Washington?
+<span class="answer">Because they have lately had an engagement
+and go in strong for the Union.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin
+like the Southern Confederacy? <span class="answer">Because
+she is trying to see seed (secede).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the city of Washington like a
+despairing old maid? <span class="answer">Because she has
+looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.</span></p>
+
+<p>What one sentence expresses the wish of
+both the Southern Confederacy and the
+United States government? <span class="answer">Let us alone (a
+loan).</span></p>
+
+<p>What route should our army take at the
+present? <span class="answer">The rout of the enemy.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg?
+<span class="answer">Because he's grated.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are lamps like the Thames? <span class="answer">Because
+they have lighters.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a sedan chair like the world? <span class="answer">Because
+it's between two poles.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most favorable season to have
+your letters from India? <span class="answer">The season which
+brings the monsoon.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>How do you know that the Queen approves
+of the penny postage? <span class="answer">Because she
+gives her countenance to it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the old elm on Boston Common
+like the ladies of Boston? <span class="answer">Because they are
+well hooped.</span></p>
+
+<p>How long should a lady's crinoline be
+made? <span class="answer">A little over two feet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are ladies who wear large crinolines
+ugly? <span class="answer">Because they are not even passable.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are washerwomen unreasonable?
+<span class="answer">They expect soft water when it rains hard.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are they the greatest of coquettes?
+<span class="answer">They wring men's ruffled bosoms.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI<br />
+<span class="smcap">Geographical Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>What would happen if a colored waiter
+dropped a platter with a turkey upon it?
+<span class="answer">The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey,
+the destruction of China, and the overflowing
+of Greece.</span></p>
+
+<p>What river is that which runs between two
+seas? <span class="answer">The Thames&mdash;between Chel-sea and
+Batter-sea.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is the river Thames good for the
+eyes? <span class="answer">When it is high (eye) water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which are the lightest men&mdash;Scotchmen,
+Irishmen, or Englishmen? <span class="answer">In Ireland there
+are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr;
+but in England, on the Thames, there are
+lighter men.</span></p>
+
+<p>What city of the world do artists make the
+most drawings of? <span class="answer">Cork.</span></p>
+
+<p>What islands would form a cheerful luncheon
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span>
+party? <span class="answer">Friendly, Society, a Sandwich,
+and Madeira.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which one of the United States is the
+largest and most popular? <span class="answer">The state of
+matrimony.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a young man engaged to a young
+lady like a man sailing for a port in France?
+<span class="answer">Because he is bound to Havre (have her).</span></p>
+
+<p>How many young ladies does it take to
+reach from New York to Philadelphia?
+<span class="answer">About one hundred, because a Miss is as
+good as a mile.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Great Britain like Palestine? <span class="answer">Because
+it's the Holy Land (whole island).</span></p>
+
+<p>If a man and his wife go to Europe together,
+what is the difference in their mode
+of traveling? <span class="answer">He goes abroad, and she goes
+along.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the Germans like quinine and
+gentian? <span class="answer">Because they are two-tonics (Teutonics).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most <a class="corr" name="TC_4" id="TC_4" title="diffcult">difficult</a> river on which to
+get a boat? <span class="answer">Arno, because there Arno
+boats there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should we pity the young Esquimaux?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">Because each one of them is born to blubber,&mdash;and
+ever to be-wail fishing, and walking
+with his snows frozen.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was the country of Ph&oelig;nicia like an
+automobile? <span class="answer">Because it had a Tyre on its
+border.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Empress of the French always
+in bad company? <span class="answer">Because she is ever surrounded
+by Paris-ites.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sea would a man like most to be in
+on a wet day? <span class="answer">Adriatic (a dry attic).</span></p>
+
+<p>How many Spanish noblemen does it take
+to make an Englishman run? <span class="answer">Ten-dons.</span></p>
+
+<p>What's the difference between an Irishman
+frozen to death and a Highlander on a mountain-peak
+in January? <span class="answer">One is kilt with the
+cold, and the other cold with the kilt.</span></p>
+
+<p>What county of England, if you dislike it
+extremely, would you run the chance of being
+stifled in? <span class="answer">If you hate Suffolk, you
+would, very naturally, Suffolk-hate when in
+it (suffocate).</span></p>
+
+<p>Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The
+balloon burst. What nationality were they
+while coming down? <span class="answer">The one came down a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span>
+Russian (a-rushing); the other caught on a
+telegraph wire and came down a Pole.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a tradesman at the seaside,
+though in London? <span class="answer">When he comes from
+Dover to <em>Deal</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>How many cows' tails would it take to
+reach from Boston to New York? <span class="answer">One, if
+it was long enough.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is more foolish than sending coals to
+Newcastle? <span class="answer">Sending milk to Cowes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan?
+<span class="answer">Because it has Greece (grease) at the
+bottom.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church,
+London, like Ireland? <span class="answer">Because there is a
+bell fast in it (Belfast).</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian
+soldier? <span class="answer">A coarse-sack (Cossack).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the
+pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? <span class="answer">Because
+he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or
+not (Juggernaut).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin,
+the capital of Germany? <span class="answer">Because he is
+always on a Spree.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What nation is it which, when allied to
+us, becomes the very home of despair? <span class="answer">Tar-tar-us.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where ought children who bite their
+fingers to be sent? <span class="answer">To gnaw-thumb-erland
+(Northumberland).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a short man struggling to kiss a
+tall woman like an Irishman going up Vesuvius?
+<span class="answer">Because, sure, he's trying to get at
+the mouth of the crater.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the greatest miracle ever worked
+in Ireland? <span class="answer">Waking the dead.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Welshman like a beggar? <span class="answer">Owing
+to the Menai Straits through which he
+goes.</span></p>
+
+<p>For what reason ought a Frenchman who
+speaks imperfect English and an Englishman
+who is equally unacquainted with French
+never to converse together? <span class="answer">To prevent
+their using bad language.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Ireland likely to become rich?
+<span class="answer">Because the capital is always Dublin (doubling).</span></p>
+
+<p>What two letters make a county in Massachusetts?
+<span class="answer">S X (Essex).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the wick of a candle like Athens?
+<span class="answer">It is in the midst of grease (Greece).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is China a desirable country for a
+man to select a wife in? <span class="answer">Because he can
+make up his mind from pickin' to choose
+Ann (Pekin to Chusan).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the North
+and South Pole? <span class="answer">All the difference in the
+world.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping
+by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble?
+<span class="answer">Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth?
+<span class="answer">Because the ashes of the great (grate) lie
+there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese
+idols? <span class="answer">Because they have ears which cannot
+hear, and eyes which cannot see.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which one of the Seven Wonders of the
+World are railway engines like? <span class="answer">The coal-horses
+of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why may we doubt the existence of the
+Giants' Causeway? <span class="answer">There are so many
+sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of
+them.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a certain
+part of Africa and the shade of Hamlet's
+father stalking in winter? <span class="answer">One is the Gold
+Coast, the other the cold ghost.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is love like the Erie Canal? <span class="answer">It's an
+internal transport.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is New York City like a flash light?
+<span class="answer">It has a Battery.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey?
+<span class="answer">When he is going to Bray.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a nabob like a beggar? <span class="answer">He is
+an India gent (indigent).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot?
+<span class="answer">Because brevity is the sole (soul) of it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a man like who is in the middle
+of the Thames and can't swim? <span class="answer">Like to be
+drowned.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Hudson River like a shoe?
+<span class="answer">Because it is a great place for tows (toes).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only
+for very old gentlemen? <span class="answer">Because it is a see-Nile
+(senile) thing to do.</span></p>
+
+<p>What soap is hardest? <span class="answer">Cast-steel (Castile).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Bank of England like a thrush?
+<span class="answer">Because it often changes its notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Canada like courtship? <span class="answer">Because
+it borders on the United States.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who were the original bog-trotters? <span class="answer">The
+Fen-ians.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? <span class="answer">Because
+it is often driven into Deal.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Paris like the letter F? <span class="answer">Because
+it is the capital of France.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit?
+<span class="answer">Because it is very often passed over.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do so many people in China travel
+on foot? <span class="answer">Because there is but one coach in
+China (Cochin China).</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII<br />
+<span class="smcap">Literary Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>What American poet may be considered
+equal to three-fifths of the poets ancient
+and modern? <span class="answer">Poe.</span></p>
+
+<p>The names of which two Greek poems will
+you mention on alluding to their author's
+peculiar manner and indisposition? <span class="answer">Homer's
+Odd-I-see and Ill-I-add.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus'
+son, Achilles? <span class="answer">Because both have "sent
+many souls to Hades ere their time."</span></p>
+
+<p>What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's
+"Seasons" do to young Palemon? <span class="answer">She
+pulled his ears and trod on his corns.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a tough beefsteak could speak, what
+English poet would it mention? <span class="answer">Chaw-sir
+(Chaucer).</span></p>
+
+<p>Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two
+celebrated musicians, said one was Tweedledum,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span>
+the other only Tweedledee? If so,
+state which of these two names was the more
+difficult to write. <span class="answer">Tweedledum, because he
+wrote the other with more e's (ease).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson
+Crusoe's island was uninhabited? <span class="answer">Because
+the very first thing he saw upon landing
+was a great swell a pitchin' into a little
+"cove" on the shore.</span></p>
+
+<p>What prescription is the best for a poet?
+<span class="answer">A composing draught.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an author the most wonderful man
+in the world? <span class="answer">Because his tale (tail) comes
+out of his head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired
+of novel-writing than Warren? <span class="answer">Because
+Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren
+only "Now and Then."</span></p>
+
+<p>What author would eye-glasses and spectacles
+mention to the world if they could only
+speak? <span class="answer">Eusebius (you see by us).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last
+work? <span class="answer">Because it's a cereal (serial) work.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's?
+<span class="answer">When it's in a garden ("Enoch Arden").</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered?
+<span class="answer">Because he always kept his
+choler (collar) down.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can you instantly convict one of error
+when stating who was the earliest poet? <span class="answer">By
+mentioning one Prior.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was the most melancholy fact in the
+history of Milton? <span class="answer">That he could "recite"
+his poems, but not re-sight himself.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do we speak of poetic fire? <span class="answer">Because
+if the ancient Scandinavians had their
+"Skalds," we have also had our Burns.</span></p>
+
+<p>What English poet does a mummy resemble?
+<span class="answer">Dryden (dried-'un).</span></p>
+
+<p>What lady of the Dante family is most
+often spoken of? <span class="answer">Ann-dante.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying?
+<span class="answer">Because "Death loves a shining
+mark."</span></p>
+
+<p>What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous
+Roman nose? <span class="answer">"The Bridge of Sighs"
+(the bridge of size).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Dickens a greater writer than
+Shakespeare? <span class="answer">Shakespeare wrote well, but
+Dickens wrote Weller.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What proof have we that Cowper was in
+debt? <span class="answer">He "oh'd for a lodge in some vast
+wilderness."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should the poet have expected the
+woodman to "spare that tree?" <span class="answer">Because he
+thought he was a good feller (fellow).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the relics of the departed like a
+man whose pocket has been robbed and the
+thief escaped? <span class="answer">Because they have both felt
+"the touch of a vanished hand."</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a pie like a poet? <span class="answer">When it's
+Browning.</span></p>
+
+<p>What best describes and most impedes a
+Pilgrim's Progress? <span class="answer">Bunyan (bunion).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass?
+<span class="answer">Because in them we see the "Spectator."</span></p>
+
+<p>Was Othello thinking of his wife when he
+killed her? <span class="answer">No, 's mother.</span></p>
+
+<p>What toe would you rather kiss than the
+Pope's? <span class="answer">Mrs. Beecher S-towe.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who was the first whistler, and what tune
+did he whistle? <span class="answer">The wind,&mdash;"Over the
+Hills and Far Away."</span></p>
+
+<p>Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">Dickens. He wrote "All the Year Round,"
+while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning."</span></p>
+
+<p>What countryman was Burns? <span class="answer">A Scorchman.</span></p>
+
+<p>What change of identity did the "Beggar's
+Opera" effect? <span class="answer">It made Gay rich, and Rich
+gay.</span></p>
+
+<p>When was the greatest destruction of poultry?
+<span class="answer">When King Claudius of Denmark
+"did murder most foul."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the abbreviations of degrees
+tacked on to a man's name? <span class="answer">To show that
+he is a man of letters.</span></p>
+
+<p>"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love
+like a potato?" <span class="answer">Because it shoots from the
+eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by
+pairing."</span></p>
+
+<p>If Falstaff had been musical what instrument
+would he have chosen after dinner?
+<span class="answer">The sackbut.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare
+was a broker? <span class="answer">Because no man has furnished
+so many stock quotations.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a statistician like a writer of one
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span>
+of the Six Best Sellers? <span class="answer">Because he is the
+author of well-figured fiction.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are Parliamentary reports called
+"Blue Books?" <span class="answer">Because they are never
+re(a)d.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an architect like a newspaper
+writer? <span class="answer">Because he gets so much "per column"
+for his work.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable?
+<span class="answer">Because he was a common tatur (commentator).</span></p>
+
+<p>Is there any bird which can recite the
+"Lays of Ancient Rome?" <span class="answer">Yes, certainly,
+Macaw-lays.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why cannot the Irish perform the play of
+"Hamlet?" <span class="answer">Because they cannot help making
+"Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was Othello's occupation in Venice?
+<span class="answer">That of a lawyer, because he was attorney-general
+(a tawny general).</span></p>
+
+<p>If you took off your boot and put your
+foot in the fire, what opera of Verdi's would
+it instantly make you? <span class="answer">Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are unsuccessful contestants for a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span>
+prize like Shakespeare? <span class="answer">Because they have
+made "Much Ado About Nothing."</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between living "in
+marble halls" and aboard ship? <span class="answer">In the
+former you have "vassals and serfs at your
+side," and in the latter you have vessels and
+surfs at your side.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens'
+later plots should be complicated? <span class="answer">Because
+one of his earlier works was all of a twist
+(Oliver Twist).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why have the inhabitants of the city of
+Boston less need of foreign bards than those
+of any other city? <span class="answer">Because they can always
+find poetry in their own "Holmes."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone
+set in jet? <span class="answer">Because he is deep read
+(red) in Blackstone.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>Names of Authors</h3>
+
+<p>A slang expression. <span class="answer">Dickens.</span></p>
+
+<p>A brighter and a smarter one. <span class="answer">Whittier.</span></p>
+
+<p>Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a
+well-beloved poet you'll see. <span class="answer">Bryant.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>It comes from a pig. <span class="answer">Bacon.</span></p>
+
+<p>II. <span class="answer">Mark Twain.</span></p>
+
+<p>A ten-footer whose name begins with
+fifty. <span class="answer">Longfellow.</span></p>
+
+<p>Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long
+ago. <span class="answer">Spencer.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is an oyster heap likely to become?
+<span class="answer">Shelley.</span></p>
+
+<p>It is worn on the head. <span class="answer">Hood.</span></p>
+
+<p>A worker in precious metals. <span class="answer">Goldsmith.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the value of a word? <span class="answer">Wordsworth.</span></p>
+
+<p>A domestic animal. <span class="answer">Lamb.</span></p>
+
+<p>He mends and repairs. <span class="answer">Cooper.</span></p>
+
+<p>Many people would like to kiss him.
+<span class="answer">Pope.</span></p>
+
+<p>It pertains to a monastery. <span class="answer">Abbott.</span></p>
+
+<p>A domestic servant. <span class="answer">Cook.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the better playwright, William
+Shakespeare or Brinsley Sheridan? <span class="answer">Willis.</span></p>
+
+<p>Part of a fish. <span class="answer">Finley.</span></p>
+
+<p>What the children delight in at the seashore.
+<span class="answer">Sands.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII<br />
+<span class="smcap">Conundrums on the Alphabet</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>What word is it of only three syllables
+which combines in it twenty-six letters?
+<span class="answer">Alphabet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which word in the English language contains
+the greatest number of letters? <span class="answer">Disproportionableness.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best bet ever made? <span class="answer">The
+alphabet.</span></p>
+
+<p>When were there only two vowels? <span class="answer">In
+the days of No-a, before U and I were born.</span></p>
+
+<p>When will there be but twenty-five letters
+in the alphabet? <span class="answer">When U and I are one.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet?
+<span class="answer">Because it is always in fun.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet?
+<span class="answer">Because it is next to you.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which are the two hottest letters in the
+alphabet? <span class="answer">K N (cayenne).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is O the most charitable letter in
+the alphabet? <span class="answer">Because it is found oftener
+than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter T like matrimony? <span class="answer">It
+is the end of quiet and the beginning of
+trouble.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G?
+<span class="answer">It converts oats into goats.</span></p>
+
+<p>When was B the first letter of the alphabet?
+<span class="answer">In the days of No-a.</span></p>
+
+<p>What step must I take to remove A from
+the alphabet? <span class="answer">B-head it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is A like a honeysuckle? <span class="answer">Because
+a "B" follows it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter W like a scandal?
+<span class="answer">Because it makes ill will.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are two t's like hops? <span class="answer">Because they
+make beer better.</span></p>
+
+<p>Spell enemy in three letters. <span class="answer">No, not
+N M E; it's F O E.</span></p>
+
+<p>Spell auburn locks in two letters. <span class="answer">S and Y.</span></p>
+
+<p>Spell brandy in three letters. <span class="answer">B R and Y,
+and O D V.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What must you add to nine to make it six?
+<span class="answer">S, for IX with S is six.</span></p>
+
+<p>If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner,
+which letters could not accept your kind
+invitation till later in the evening? <span class="answer">The last
+six, as they couldn't come till after T.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can you tell a girl of the name of
+Ellen that she is everything that is delightful
+in eight letters? <span class="answer">U-r-a-bu-t-l-n.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which occurs twice in a moment
+and not once in a thousand years?
+<span class="answer">The letter M.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is A like twelve o'clock? <span class="answer">Because it's
+the middle of day.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a false friend like the letter P?
+<span class="answer">Because, though always first in pity, he is
+ever last in help.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor?
+<span class="answer">Because it's near O (Nero).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? <span class="answer">Because
+it will make an eel feel.</span></p>
+
+<p>What letter is that which is invisible, but
+never out of sight? <span class="answer">I.</span></p>
+
+<p>How would you express in two letters that
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span>
+you were twice the bulk of your companion?
+<span class="answer">I W (I double you).</span></p>
+
+<p>What two Christian names read the same
+both ways? <span class="answer">Hannah and Anna.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first
+U in cucumber? <span class="answer">Because it's between two
+seas (c's).</span></p>
+
+<p>What word is there of eight letters which
+has five of them the same? <span class="answer">Oroonoko.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is O the noisiest of all vowels?
+<span class="answer">Because you cannot make a horrid loud noise
+without it, whilst all the others are in<em>au</em>d<em>i</em>bl<em>e</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word contains the five vowels in
+their order? <span class="answer">Facetious.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels?
+<span class="answer">Because it is in the center of bliss, whilst E
+is in h<em>e</em>ll, and all the others are in p<em>u</em>rg<em>a</em>t<em>o</em>ry.</span></p>
+
+<p>What must all the letters of the alphabet
+be in order to possess infinite sagacity?
+<span class="answer">Wise (y's).</span></p>
+
+<p>Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. <span class="answer">Too
+wise you are, two wise you be; I see you are
+too wise for me.</span></p>
+
+<p>What are those things, which, though they
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span>
+appear twice in every day, and twice in every
+week, yet are only seen twice in a year?
+<span class="answer">Vowels.</span></p>
+
+<p>What letter in the alphabet is necessary to
+make a shoe? <span class="answer">The last.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word of six letters admits of five
+successive elisions, leaving at each abbreviation
+a well-known word? <span class="answer">Brandy&mdash;brand&mdash;bran&mdash;ran&mdash;an&mdash;a.</span></p>
+
+<p>Name two English words, one of which,
+being of one syllable only, shall contain more
+letters than the other of five syllables?
+<span class="answer">Strength&mdash;Ideality.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a glass-blower the most likely person
+to set the alphabet off at a gallop? <span class="answer">Because
+he can make a D-canter.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word of six letters contains six words
+besides itself, without transposing a letter?
+<span class="answer">Herein&mdash;he&mdash;her&mdash;here&mdash;ere&mdash;rein&mdash;in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Is there a word in the English language
+which contains all the vowels? <span class="answer">Yes, unquestionably.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is quizzing like the letter D on
+horseback? <span class="answer">It is deriding (D riding).</span></p>
+
+<p>When did "Chicago" begin with a "C"
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span>
+and end with an "e"? <span class="answer">Chicago always began
+with a "C" and end always began with
+an "e."</span></p>
+
+<p>There is an English word of more than
+two letters, of which la is the middle, is
+the beginning, and is the end, though there
+is but one "a" and one "l" in the word.
+What is it? <span class="answer">Island, of which "la" is the
+middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the
+end.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word is there of five letters, that,
+by taking two away, leaves but one? <span class="answer">Stone.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word of one syllable, if you take
+two letters from it, remains a word of two
+syllables? <span class="answer">Plague; ague.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented
+vowel? <span class="answer">Because, though never
+out of health and pocket, it never appears
+in spirits.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters
+of the alphabet of more importance
+than the others? <span class="answer">Because we cannot get
+ON well without them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter D like a squalling child?
+<span class="answer">Because it makes ma mad.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What river is ever without a beginning
+and ending? <span class="answer">S-ever-n.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the coldest river? <span class="answer">The Ice is
+(Isis).</span></p>
+
+<p>What word of ten letters can be spelled
+with five? <span class="answer">XPDNC (expediency).</span></p>
+
+<p>What word of four syllables represents
+Sin riding on a little animal? <span class="answer">Synonymous
+(Sin on a mouse).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an island like the letter T? <span class="answer">Because
+it is in the midst of water (wa-t-er).</span></p>
+
+<p>Like what four letters of the alphabet is
+a honey-producing insect when in small
+health? <span class="answer">Like A B C D (a bee seedy).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine?
+<span class="answer">Because it makes needles needless.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort?
+<span class="answer">Because it is devoid of e's (ease).</span></p>
+
+<p>What two letters do boys delight in to the
+annoyance of their elders? <span class="answer">Two t's (to
+tease).</span></p>
+
+<p>What single word would you put down for
+$40 borrowed from you? <span class="answer">XL lent (excellent).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf
+woman? <span class="answer">A, because it makes her hear.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word is it, which, by changing a
+single letter, becomes its own opposite?
+<span class="answer">United, untied.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should the male sex avoid the letter
+A? <span class="answer">Because it makes men mean.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a schoolmistress like the letter
+C? <span class="answer">Because she forms lasses into classes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter W like a maid of honor?
+<span class="answer">Because it is always in waiting.</span></p>
+
+<p>Spell an interrogation with one letter. <span class="answer">Y
+(why?).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter T like an amphibious
+animal? <span class="answer">Because it lives both in earth and
+water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the nose on your face like the v
+in civility? <span class="answer">Because it's between two eyes
+(i's).</span></p>
+
+<p>Take away one letter from me, and like
+Macbeth I murder; take away two, and I
+probably shall die, if my whole does not save
+me. <span class="answer">Kill-ill-skill.</span></p>
+
+<p>There is a word of three syllables, from
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span>
+which if you take away five letters a male will
+remain; if you take away four, a female will
+be conspicuous; if you take away three, a
+great man will appear; and the whole word
+shows what Joan of Arc was? <span class="answer">He, her,
+hero, heroine.</span></p>
+
+<p>What letter in the Dutch alphabet will
+name an English lady of title? <span class="answer">A Dutch-S.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold?
+<span class="answer">Because we can't be wed without it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter K like a pig's tail?
+<span class="answer">Because it is the end of pork.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters?
+<span class="answer">P G, pig without an I.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a horse like the letter O? <span class="answer">Because
+Gee makes it Go.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? <span class="answer">It
+is nothing without its tail.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled
+generosity? <span class="answer">When it enables a
+lady to make over a lover.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter F like a cow's tail?
+<span class="answer">It is the end of beef.</span></p>
+
+<p>Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters?
+<span class="answer">C D (seedy).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Make five less by adding to it. <span class="answer">V, IV.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter S like a pert repartee?
+<span class="answer">Because it begins and ends in sauciness.</span></p>
+
+<p>What small animal is turned into a larger
+one by beheading it? <span class="answer">Fox&mdash;ox.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sidewalks in winter like music?
+<span class="answer">If you don't C sharp, you will B flat.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pensive widow like the letter X?
+<span class="answer">Because she's never inconsolable.</span></p>
+
+<p>What two letters express the most agreeable
+people in the world? <span class="answer">U and I.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does the letter Y work an impossibility?
+<span class="answer">It makes a lad into a lady.</span></p>
+
+<p>Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal
+will be transposed into a point. <span class="answer">Add X to
+ape, and you obtain apex.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter N like a pig? <span class="answer">Because
+it makes a sty nasty.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid?
+<span class="answer">When I get to C U (see you) I forget everything
+else.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter B like a fire? <span class="answer">Because
+it makes oil boil.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter R a profitable letter?
+<span class="answer">Because it makes ice into rice.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter T like Easter? <span class="answer">Because
+it's the last of Lent.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a blacksmith make a row in the
+alphabet? <span class="answer">When he makes a poke-R and
+shove-L.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the old woman say when she
+looked into the empty flour barrel?
+<span class="answer">O I C U R M T.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did Noah object to the letter D?
+<span class="answer">Because it made the ark dark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are stars like an old barn? <span class="answer">Because
+there are r, a, t, s in both.</span></p>
+
+<p>What are the worst letters of recommendation?
+<span class="answer">I O U.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the letter D like a sailor? <span class="answer">It
+follows the C (sea).</span></p>
+
+<p>If I were in the sun and you out of it,
+what would the sun become? <span class="answer">Sin.</span></p>
+
+<p>I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I
+frequently stand upon one leg; if you behead
+me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate
+me I stand upon four. I shall think you are
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span>
+related to me if you do not now recognize
+me. <span class="answer">Glass&mdash;lass&mdash;ass.</span></p>
+
+<p>
+Three letters three rivers proclaim. <span class="answer">Ex, Wye, Dee.</span><br />
+Three letters an ode give to fame. <span class="answer">L E G (elegy).</span><br />
+Three letters an attribute name. <span class="answer">N R G (energy).</span><br />
+Three letters a compliment claim. <span class="answer">U X L (You excel).</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>
+The beginning of eternity,<br />
+The end of time and space,<br />
+The beginning of every end,<br />
+The end of every race. <span class="answer">Letter E.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>
+One letter's a tree? <span class="answer">U (yew).</span><br />
+One means to agree? <span class="answer">A (aye).</span><br />
+One is to drink? <span class="answer">T (tea).</span><br />
+One a bird, think? <span class="answer">J (jay).</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<p>
+Now of letters that rhyme<br />
+You must guess them in time;<br />
+One is an insect busy all day? <span class="answer">B (bee).</span><br />
+One is a river that wends on its way? <span class="answer">D (Dee).</span><br />
+One is a slang word it is best not to say? <span class="answer">G (Gee).</span><br />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span>
+These two letters are not at all hard? <span class="answer">E Z (easy).</span><br />
+These letters form a literary composition? <span class="answer">S A (essay).</span><br />
+These letters will decompose? <span class="answer">D K (decay).</span><br />
+These letters form a material to wear? <span class="answer">P K (pique).</span><br />
+These letters do the best of all? <span class="answer">X L (excel).</span><br />
+These letters form a tree? <span class="answer">L M (elm).</span><br />
+The meaning of these letters is not full? <span class="answer">M T (empty).</span><br /></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX<br />
+<span class="smcap">General Conundrums</span></h2>
+
+
+<p>Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? <span class="answer">Because
+it is first cradled, then threshed, and
+afterward becomes the flower of the family.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that is queer about flowers?
+<span class="answer">They shoot before they have pistils.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the worst thing to catch afire?
+<span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man who has parted from his bed
+like one obliged to keep it? <span class="answer">He is bedridden.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the oldest coupler in use? <span class="answer">The
+wedding ring.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? <span class="answer">Because
+they make the butterfly.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a mouse
+and a young lady? <span class="answer">The one harms the
+cheese, the other charms the "he's."</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man thinner than a lath?
+<span class="answer">When he is a-shaving.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel?
+<span class="answer">Because she is surrounded by felloes
+(fellows).</span></p>
+
+<p>Of what religious persuasion is the sea?
+<span class="answer">A Quaker&mdash;for it has a broad brim.</span></p>
+
+<p>Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing
+at all. <span class="answer">A shadow.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which, though black itself,
+enlightens the world? <span class="answer">Ink.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a sailor not a sailor? <span class="answer">When
+he's a-board.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a chess-player
+and an habitual toper? <span class="answer">One watches
+the pawn, the other pawns the watch.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which animal is the heaviest in all creation?
+<span class="answer">A le(a)d horse.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of tune do we all enjoy most?
+<span class="answer">For-tune, made up of bank-notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his
+fortune, like the water in a filter? <span class="answer">Because
+he soon runs through it, and leaves many
+matters behind to settle.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is English grammar like gout? <span class="answer">Because
+it's torture (taught yer).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an office with no work to do like a
+good dinner eaten by an invalid? <span class="answer">Because
+it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a shoeblack like an editor? <span class="answer">Because
+he polishes the understandings of his
+patrons.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is opening a letter like taking a very
+queer method of entering a room? <span class="answer">Because
+it is breaking through the sealing
+(ceiling).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are persons with short memories
+like office-holders? <span class="answer">Because they are always
+for-getting everything.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word is it which expresses two
+things we men all wish to get, one bringing
+the other, but which if we do get them, the
+one bringing the other, we are unhappy?
+<span class="answer">Miss-fortune.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is sugar like a pig's tooth? <span class="answer">When
+in a hog's head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a joint company not like a watch?
+<span class="answer">Because it does not go after it is wound up.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to be personally
+involved? <span class="answer">When he is wrapped up in himself.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What wind should a hungry sailor wish
+for? <span class="answer">One that blows fowl and chops about.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are bookkeepers like chickens? <span class="answer">Because
+they have to scratch for a living.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do British soldiers never run away?
+<span class="answer">Because they belong to the standing army.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a car resembles a person?
+<span class="answer">The wheel, because it is tired.</span></p>
+
+<p>On which side of a pitcher is the handle?
+<span class="answer">The outside.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a chair be said to dislike you?
+<span class="answer">When it can't bear you.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which divides by uniting and
+unites by dividing? <span class="answer">The scissors.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are young children like castles in the
+air? <span class="answer">Because their existence is only in-fancy.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a proud girl like a music book?
+<span class="answer">She is full of airs.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a short negro like a white man?
+<span class="answer">Because he is not at all black (not a tall
+black).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate
+things? <span class="answer">Because they make a noise
+whenever they are told (tolled).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the most discontented man the
+most easily satisfied? <span class="answer">Nothing satisfies him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like
+thieves? <span class="answer">They ought to be taken up.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for
+cheating us? <span class="answer">We call them to take us in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are weary people like carriage
+wheels? <span class="answer">Because they are tired.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a tall man eat less than a short
+man? <span class="answer">Because he makes a little go a long
+way.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the dryest subject? <span class="answer">The mummy.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are candles and women most alike?
+<span class="answer">When sputtering.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are confectioners so much sought
+for? <span class="answer">Because they serve kisses.</span></p>
+
+<p>How many sides has a pitcher? <span class="answer">Two, inside
+and outside.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is wind like in a storm? <span class="answer">Like to
+blow your hat off.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between an honest
+and dishonest laundress? <span class="answer">One irons your
+linen, the other steals it.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a policeman very like a rainbeau?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">When he appears after the storm
+is over.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where are we most likely to find the sky
+blue? <span class="answer">The nearer we go to the Milky Way.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a wealthy
+toper and a skillful miner? <span class="answer">One turns his
+gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz
+into gold.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an orange like a church steeple?
+<span class="answer">Because we have a peel from it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer
+of a hypocrite? <span class="answer">Because it's a solemn sound
+from a thoughtless tongue.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a shoemaker like a true lover?
+<span class="answer">Because he's faithful to the last.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a honeycomb
+and a honeymoon? <span class="answer">One is made up
+of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous
+sell only.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the crabbed old bachelor who
+made the above conundrum like a harp
+struck by lightning? <span class="answer">Because he is a blasted
+lyre.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is truth not truth any longer?
+<span class="answer">When it lies at the bottom of a well.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What should a clergyman preach about?
+<span class="answer">About a quarter of an hour.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man's pastor really and truly
+his brother? <span class="answer">When he's his pa's son (parson).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to hide a bear; it
+doesn't matter how big he is&mdash;the bigger the
+better? <span class="answer">Skin him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sentries like day and night? <span class="answer">Because
+when one comes the other goes.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does the eagle turn carpenter?
+<span class="answer">When he soars (saws) the woods&mdash;and
+plains.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee
+like? <span class="answer">An axe with a dull edge, because it
+must be ground before it can be used.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? <span class="answer">Because
+it is making use of flash language.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a spider a good correspondent?
+<span class="answer">Because he drops a line by every post.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a correspondent
+and a corespondent? <span class="answer">One is a man
+who does write (right), and the other a
+man who does wrong.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of servants are best for hotels?
+<span class="answer">The inn-experienced.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of a day would be a good one
+to run for a cup? <span class="answer">A muggy one.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sugar-plums like racehorses?
+<span class="answer">Because the more you lick them the faster
+they go.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid
+waistcoat? <span class="answer">To keep a check on his stomach.</span></p>
+
+<p>When a church is burning, what is the only
+part that runs no chance of being saved?
+<span class="answer">The organ, because the engine can't play
+upon it.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are sheep stationery? <span class="answer">When turned
+into pens, and into paper when folded.</span></p>
+
+<p>What key in music will make a good officer?
+<span class="answer">A Sharp Major.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the key-note to good manners?
+<span class="answer">B Natural.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what key should a declaration of love
+be made? <span class="answer">Be mine, ah! (B Minor).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk
+of drowning? <span class="answer">Because they are so accustomed
+to keep their noses above water.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of a cravat would a hog be
+most likely to choose? <span class="answer">A pigs-tye, of course.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball?
+<span class="answer">Because she's empty, yet full of bounce.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a butcher a thorough thief?
+<span class="answer">When he steals a knife and cuts away with
+it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a field of grass like a person older
+than yourself? <span class="answer">Because it's past-your-age
+(pasturage).</span></p>
+
+<p>If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where
+should he go to supply the deficiency? <span class="answer">To
+a grog shop, because there bad spirits are
+retailed.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant
+acquaintance? <span class="answer">Absence.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental
+boy and girl kissing? <span class="answer">Because it's a
+syllabus (silly buss).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pictorial riddle like a second
+kiss? <span class="answer">Because it's a rebus (re-buss).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the latest thing in a fashionable
+gown like the South African bushman's
+club? <span class="answer">Because it's "perfectly stunning."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a department store like a country
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span>
+sewing circle? <span class="answer">Because it has so many notions.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a music teacher like a baseball
+coach? <span class="answer">Because he frequently says, "Try
+that last run over again."</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a bright
+scholar and shoe polish? <span class="answer">One shines at the
+head, the other at the foot.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a better investment the worse it
+is? <span class="answer">A tenement.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a musician fail? <span class="answer">When he is
+unable to discount his notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary
+confinement? <span class="answer">Because he has too much
+time on his hands.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a doctor like a cross-tempered
+man? <span class="answer">When he is losing his patients.</span></p>
+
+<p>Under what circumstances are a builder
+and a newspaper reporter equally likely to
+fail? <span class="answer">When they make up stories without
+foundations.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature?
+<span class="answer">Because his mind is always on the rack, and
+his only consolation is woe (whoa!).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a good joke like the modern ballot
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span>
+box? <span class="answer">Because it is the greatest repeater
+known to history.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dressmaker braver than an
+actor? <span class="answer">Because she is not afraid of the
+hook.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the aspiring poet about to approach
+an editor with his verses like a consumptive?
+<span class="answer">Because he's going into a decline.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is turkey a fashionable bird? <span class="answer">Because
+he always appears well dressed.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a candle-maker never be
+pitied? <span class="answer">Because all his works are wicked,
+and all his wicked works, when brought to
+light, are only made light of.</span></p>
+
+<p>How would you increase the speed of a
+very slow boat? <span class="answer">Make her fast.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is matrimony like an invested city?
+<span class="answer">Because when we are out of it we wish to
+be in it, and when we are in it we wish to
+be out of it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a person of short stature like an
+almanac? <span class="answer">Because he is often looked over
+or over-looked.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span>
+option on a certain girl's kisses? <span class="answer">Because
+it's an omnibus.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are seasick excursionists like a strong
+opposition in Congress? <span class="answer">Because they are
+opposed to the motion.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the aėronaut whose airship plows
+into the earth like a successful speculator?
+<span class="answer">Because he has taken a flier in real estate.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are airship inventors like musicians?
+<span class="answer">Because they bend all their energies to the
+conquest of the air.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the speeches of an orator heard
+through a phonograph like the State House
+dome? <span class="answer">Because they are hollow but illuminating.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular
+dentist? <span class="answer">Because each has lost his
+pull.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts?
+<span class="answer">Because they propagate.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is fashion like a blank cartridge?
+<span class="answer">Because it's all powder and puff.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the Fourth of July like oysters?
+<span class="answer">Because we can't enjoy it without crackers.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought women to be employed in a
+post-office? <span class="answer">Because they know how to manage
+the mails (males).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do the recriminations of married
+couples resemble the sound of waves on the
+shore? <span class="answer">Because they are murmurs of the
+tied (tide).</span></p>
+
+<p>What have you now before you which
+would give you a company, a veiled lady, and
+a noisy toy? <span class="answer">Co-nun-drum.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep
+liable to arrest? <span class="answer">Because she is engaged in
+a kid-napping project.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the cheapest candy? <span class="answer">Horehound,
+because the advertisements of it read constantly,
+"Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a rich lady act prudently by
+marrying a penniless man? <span class="answer">Because she
+husbands her resources.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a straw hat never be raised to
+a lady? <span class="answer">Because, no matter how much you
+raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is
+never felt.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a wall like a fish? <span class="answer">When it is
+scaled.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps
+to believe in the existence of young ladies?
+<span class="answer">Because he calls every Miss a Myth.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a specimen of handwriting like a
+dead pig? <span class="answer">Because it is done with the
+pen.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are good intentions like fainting
+ladies? <span class="answer">Because all they want is carrying
+out.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it we all frequently say we will
+do and no one has ever yet done? <span class="answer">Stop a
+minute.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can't a thief easily steal a watch?
+<span class="answer">Because he must take it off its guard.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a
+true convert? <span class="answer">Because its turning is the result
+of conviction.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable
+one to follow? <span class="answer">Because, by conducting it
+with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than
+most others, and all his drafts (draughts)
+are paid.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the inside of everything mysterious?
+<span class="answer">Because we can't make it out.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which a woman frequently
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>
+gives her lovely countenance to, yet never
+takes kindly? <span class="answer">The small-pox.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of
+ill events? <span class="answer">Because it is an auger-ill.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the strongest day? <span class="answer">Sunday, because
+all of the others are "week" days.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to make the hours go
+fast? <span class="answer">Use the spur of the moment.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a
+phantom? <span class="answer">Because he's an airy-naught
+(aėronaut).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fool in a high station like a man
+in a balloon? <span class="answer">Because everybody appears
+little to him, and he appears little to everybody.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an old coat like iron? <span class="answer">Because it
+is a specimen of hard-ware.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? <span class="answer">Because
+it runs.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a man attempts to jump a ditch and
+falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of
+summer? <span class="answer">Because the fall follows right
+after the spring, unless he makes a summerset
+between them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span>
+four inches of steel plating and all its guns
+on board, weigh just before starting on a
+cruise? <span class="answer">She weighs anchor.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a washerwoman like Saturday?
+<span class="answer">Because she brings in the close (clothes) of
+the week.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is it a good thing to lose your temper?
+<span class="answer">When it is a bad one.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a man never marry a woman
+named Ellen? <span class="answer">Because he rings his own
+(k)nell.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it which covers a multitude of
+sin(ner)s? <span class="answer">The gravestone.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a vessel being blown out to sea
+like a bankrupt householder? <span class="answer">Because both
+submit to a forced sail.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a rooster on a <a class="corr" name="TC_5" id="TC_5" title="fency">fence</a> like a penny?
+<span class="answer">Because his head's on one side and tail's on
+the other.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the military definition of a kiss?
+<span class="answer">A report at headquarters.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are washerwomen foolish people?
+<span class="answer">Because they put out their tubs to catch soft
+water when it rains hard.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is smaller than a mite's mouth?
+<span class="answer">What goes into it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is love always represented as a child?
+<span class="answer">Because he never reaches the age of discretion.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond?
+<span class="answer">Because he has a visible means of
+support.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between photography
+and whooping-cough? <span class="answer">The one makes
+facsimiles, the other sick families.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dog like a man four feet ten
+inches tall? <span class="answer">Because he stands over four
+feet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does the mayor order the saloons
+closed after a great fire? <span class="answer">That the people
+may not try to drown their losses.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it which more people lie under
+than upon? <span class="answer">The gravestone.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that opens to all comers, advertises
+only the doctors, and yet is good for
+everything that ails you? <span class="answer">The grave.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bride, weary of her apartment
+home, like a wrecked automobile? <span class="answer">They've
+both got flat tire.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a gardener like a detective-story
+writer? <span class="answer">Because he works up his plot.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a widower in love again like a good
+gardener? <span class="answer">Because he immediately removes
+his weeds.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can the weight of an illuminating
+argument never be accurately determined?
+<span class="answer">Because as the hearer weighs the words the
+scales fall from his eyes.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does the surgeon, whose bill for an
+operation has been delayed by executors, resemble
+his deceased patient? <span class="answer">He feels terribly
+cut up.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does the cavalryman whose horse
+has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly?
+<span class="answer">He obeys orders from hind quarters,
+while the orderly obeys orders from
+headquarters.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best place to sow wild oats?
+<span class="answer">Near a bank.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly?
+<span class="answer">Because he can make you a-light.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an automobilist who exceeds the
+speed limit like a social reprobate? <span class="answer">Because
+he's too fast.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers?
+<span class="answer">Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents'
+(correspondence) section.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the longest word in the English
+language? <span class="answer">Smiles, because it has a mile between
+its first and last letters.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a
+pound of feathers? <span class="answer">A pound of feathers,
+which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound
+of gold is a pound troy.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the first thing you do when you
+get into bed? <span class="answer">You make an impression.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is twice ten like twice eleven? <span class="answer">Because
+twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is
+twenty-two (too).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye
+no better than an eye destroyed?
+<span class="answer">Because it's an-eye-elated.</span></p>
+
+<p>That which every one requires, that which
+every one gives, that which every one asks,
+and that which very few take? <span class="answer">Advice.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a thief like a reporter? <span class="answer">When
+he takes notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a nation like a baby? <span class="answer">When it is
+in arms.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What does the lamp post become when the
+lamp is removed? <span class="answer">A lamp lighter.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a mother who spoils her child like
+a person building castles in the air? <span class="answer">She
+indulges in-fancy too much.</span></p>
+
+<p>When you listen to your little brother's
+drum, why are you like a just judge? <span class="answer">Because
+you hear both sides.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the action of the moon? <span class="answer">It affects
+physically the tide, and sentimentally
+the untied.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a father who frequently thrashes
+his boy likely to be prosecuted? <span class="answer">Because he
+exerts undue influence in the making of a will.</span></p>
+
+<p>How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt
+now travel? <span class="answer">By ex-Pres.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical
+convalescent? <span class="answer">Because he's been operated
+on.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the humiliated braggart like the
+small boy who has drunk the washing fluid?
+<span class="answer">Because he has swallowed the lye.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the fresh young upstart like an
+aėrial postman? <span class="answer">Because he's up and coming.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an elevator man like an aėronaut?
+<span class="answer">Because his life is all ups and downs.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the coldest place in an opera
+house? <span class="answer">Z row.</span></p>
+
+<p>What will eventually change the size of
+the auto? <span class="answer">The demand for more gauge
+(mortgage) which the present fad creates.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the nurse of an insane ward like
+a popular opera star? <span class="answer">Because everybody's
+crazy about him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do love letters have a financial
+value? <span class="answer">Because they are promissory notes.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are words musical? <span class="answer">When they
+have a ring to them.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a woman a live wire? <span class="answer">When
+she's shocking.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops
+on the prairies? <span class="answer">Because of the frequency
+of whirlwinds there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an astronomer like a theatrical
+manager? <span class="answer">Because he's always looking for
+new stars.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an airship bequeathed you by your
+father like the portrait of an ancestor? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a family heirloom.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm?
+<span class="answer">When it is a little bare.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a fish above its station? <span class="answer">When
+it rises and takes a fly.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a boy not a boy? <span class="answer">When he is a
+regular brick.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a piece of wood like a queen?
+<span class="answer">When it is made into a ruler.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a skein of thread like the root of
+an oak? <span class="answer">When it is full of knots.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which has a mouth but never
+speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it? <span class="answer">A
+river.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should you never have a tailor who
+does not understand his trade? <span class="answer">Because you
+would get bad habits from him.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a sailor
+and a soldier? <span class="answer">One tars his ropes, the other
+pitches his tent.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the ugliest hood ever worn?
+<span class="answer">Falsehood.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best thing to make in a hurry?
+<span class="answer">Haste.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are cobblers like a famous physician?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">They are skilled in the art of healing (heeling).</span></p>
+
+<p>What pen ought never to be used for writing?
+<span class="answer">A sheep pen.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a subject beneath one's notice?
+<span class="answer">When it is under consideration.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser?
+<span class="answer">He knows the value of his sovereign.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a bill not a bill? <span class="answer">When it is dew.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the proper newspaper for invalids?
+<span class="answer">The Weekly News.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a pint of milk not a pint? <span class="answer">When
+it's condensed.</span></p>
+
+<p>What tune makes everybody glad? <span class="answer">Fortune.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that has four legs and only
+one foot? <span class="answer">A bedstead.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is attar of roses never moved without
+orders? <span class="answer">Because it is sent wherever it
+goes.</span></p>
+
+<p>What goes most against a farmer's grain?
+<span class="answer">His reaper.</span></p>
+
+<p>What precious stone is like the entrance to
+a field? <span class="answer">A-gate.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man like frozen rain? <span class="answer">When
+he is hale (hail).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which of the stars should be subject to the
+game laws? <span class="answer">Shooting stars.</span></p>
+
+<p>What garden crop would save draining?
+<span class="answer">Leeks.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a cook break the game laws?
+<span class="answer">When she poaches eggs.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a river like a young lady? <span class="answer">When
+it is crossed.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy?
+<span class="answer">Because he often feels a great deal bored.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a donkey weigh least? <span class="answer">When
+he is within the pound.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the last blow a defeated ship gives
+in battle? <span class="answer">Striking her own flag.</span></p>
+
+<p>What had better be done when there is a
+great rent on a farm? <span class="answer">It had better be sewn
+(sown).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should onions be planted near the
+potatoes in a garden? <span class="answer">So that the onions
+may have a tear-producing effect upon the
+eyes of the potatoes and make them self-irrigating.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why may not the proprietor of a forest
+fell his own timber? <span class="answer">Because no one is allowed
+to cut when it is his own deal.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the oldest piece of furniture in the
+world? <span class="answer">The multiplication table.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the greatest number, six dozen
+dozen or half a dozen dozen? <span class="answer">Six dozen
+dozen, of course.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which, the more you take
+from it, the larger it grows? <span class="answer">A hole.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what
+blessing would it invoke? <span class="answer">A bee-attitude.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion?
+<span class="answer">Because he is equal to any post.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an artist stronger than a horse?
+<span class="answer">Because he can draw Windsor Castle all by
+himself, and take it clean away in his pocket
+if necessary.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is money often moist? <span class="answer">Because it is
+frequently dew in the morning, and mist at
+night.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers?
+<span class="answer">Because they lie first on one side, and then
+on the other, and remain wide awake all the
+time.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>And what do they do when they die? <span class="answer">Lie
+still.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a lawyer like a donkey? <span class="answer">When
+drawing a conveyance.</span></p>
+
+<p>What proverb must a lawyer <em>not</em> act up
+to? <span class="answer">He must not take the will for the deed.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why will scooping out a turnip be a
+noisy process? <span class="answer">Because it makes it hollow.</span></p>
+
+<p>When was beef the highest? <span class="answer">When the
+cow jumped over the moon.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between one yard
+and two yards? <span class="answer">A fence.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a straw hat like kissing through
+the telephone? <span class="answer">Because neither is felt.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is your shadow like a false friend?
+<span class="answer">Because it only follows you in sunshine.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is your nose in the middle of your
+face? <span class="answer">Because it is the scenter.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a woman asks her blind lover the color
+of a flower, what would he say? <span class="answer">"I have no
+i-dea."</span></p>
+
+<p>When are lawyers circumstances? <span class="answer">When
+they alter cases.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dog's tail like an expressman?
+<span class="answer">It keeps a-waggin'.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are chickens liberal? <span class="answer">They give a
+<em>peck</em> when they take a <em>grain</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>What animals are in the clouds? <span class="answer"><a class="corr" name="TC_6" id="TC_6" title="Rain-dear">Rain-deer</a>.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a young lawyer in his office like one
+of his chickens roosting on his neighbor's
+fence? <span class="answer">He has no business there.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between perseverance
+and obstinacy? <span class="answer">One arises from a
+strong <em>will</em>, the other from a strong <em>won't</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what color should friendship be kept?
+<span class="answer">In violet.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the noblest musical instrument?
+An upright piano. What the vilest? <span class="answer">A
+lyre.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do seamstresses resemble rascals?
+<span class="answer">They cut and run.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of
+conundrums? <span class="answer">Because it is full of notions.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the
+water? <span class="answer">Because he goes on swimmingly.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the man who falls in the kennel
+approved of? <span class="answer">Because he's add-mir'd.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an organ an enemy to religion?
+<span class="answer">Because it stands against the communion.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sharpers like sparrows? <span class="answer">Because
+they feather their nests.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a looking-glass very complaisant?
+<span class="answer">Because it always does as the company does.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a newspaper like a lame man?
+<span class="answer">Because it generally lies.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a staircase like a back-biter? <span class="answer">Because
+its rail's against you.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a high wind like a dumb man in
+distress? <span class="answer">Because it makes moving signs.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals?
+<span class="answer">They <em>gambol</em> all their youth, live by
+the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and
+they get fleeced at last.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting
+dog? <span class="answer">He makes a little <em>hare</em> go a great way.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a horse that is constantly rid,
+though never fed, never starved? <span class="answer">Because
+he's never without a bit.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a sleepy servant like a warming
+pan? <span class="answer">Because he's in bed before his master.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad
+teeth? <span class="answer">Because he has a good many achers.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an apple like a good song? <span class="answer">Because
+it is encored.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a
+gun? <span class="answer">Because it covers the ball.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a smith like a ferryman? <span class="answer">Because
+his business is to work ore.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter
+house? <span class="answer">Because it holds the stock in
+(stocking).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a holly bush like a corpse? <span class="answer">Because
+it is or will be berry'd.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an apron like peas? <span class="answer">Because it is
+gathered.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed
+coming out of the opera, does it make him
+complimentary to the ladies? <span class="answer">Because the
+pressure makes him flatter.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders
+like two beautiful young ladies? <span class="answer">Because
+they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin?
+<span class="answer">Because when once changed it soon goes.</span></p>
+
+<p>What herb is most injurious to a lady's
+beauty? <span class="answer">Thyme.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a superb woman like bread?
+<span class="answer">When given as a toast.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lover's heart like a whale? <span class="answer">Because
+it's a secreter (sea creatur') of great
+sighs (size).</span></p>
+
+<p>How many wives are you allowed by the
+Prayer-book? <span class="answer">Sixteen, viz.: Fo(u)r better,
+fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer;
+total, sixteen.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is paper like a beggar? <span class="answer">Because it
+is composed of rags.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can Satan never be uncivil? <span class="answer">Because
+the Imp o' Darkness can never be Imp o'
+Light.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is the man who carries everything
+before him? <span class="answer">The footman.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man?
+<span class="answer">Because he makes people steal (steel) pens
+and tells them they do write (right).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard?
+<span class="answer">A pig-sty.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is better than God, worse than the
+devil, what the dead live on, and the living
+would die if they lived on? <span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a prudent man like a pin? <span class="answer">Because
+his head prevents him from going too
+far.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer?
+<span class="answer">From his mouth.</span></p>
+
+<p>At what time by the clock is a pun the most
+effective? <span class="answer">When it strikes one.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dead hen better than a live one?
+<span class="answer">Because she will lay wherever you put her.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a true and faithful friend like a
+garden seed? <span class="answer">Because you never know the
+value of either until they are put under
+ground.</span></p>
+
+<p>What benefit can be derived from a paper
+of pins? <span class="answer">They will give you many good
+points.</span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of a cat do we generally find
+in a large library? <span class="answer">A catalogue.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers?
+<span class="answer">Because all the mails (males) are tied up in
+bags.</span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of a swell luncheon would
+hardly be considered a grand affair? <span class="answer">A
+luncheon of dried apples and warm water,
+which is really a swell affair.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a boy like a puppy? <span class="answer">Because he's
+a younker (young cur).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that thing which we all eat and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span>
+drink, although it is often a man and often
+a woman? <span class="answer">A toast.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do eggs show their anger on being
+called Heggs? <span class="answer">By becoming eggs-aspirated
+(exasperated).</span></p>
+
+<p>On what side of a church does a yew-tree
+grow? <span class="answer">The outside.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man whose "heart is in his
+mouth" through fright, like a cabbage? <span class="answer">Because
+his heart's in his head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a shoemaker more charitable than
+another man? <span class="answer">Because he is ready to give
+any man a lift.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a picture like a fine woman? <span class="answer">Because
+it's framed to please.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker?
+<span class="answer">Because he'll pump you.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary?
+<span class="answer">Because he'll send you a vial in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would a pelican make a good lawyer?
+<span class="answer">He knows how to stretch his bill.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man incapable of performing
+a bare-faced action? <span class="answer">When he wears a
+heavy beard and a mustache.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a thief like a philosopher? <span class="answer">Because
+he is given to fits of abstraction.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it illegal for a man to possess a
+short walking stick? <span class="answer">Because it can never
+be-long to him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a person who asks questions the
+strangest of all individuals? <span class="answer">Because he is
+the querist.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which travels about, goes
+much up and down, and wears shoes, but
+never had any shoes? <span class="answer">A football.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the pages of a book like the days
+of a man? <span class="answer">Because they are numbered.</span></p>
+
+<p>What word makes you sick if you leave out
+one of its letters? <span class="answer">Music.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration?
+<span class="answer">Because the heat is in tents (intense).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the left side of a plum pudding?
+<span class="answer">The part that is not eaten.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man who runs in debt like a
+clock? <span class="answer">He runs on tick.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a bee-holder (beholder).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper?
+<span class="answer">Because they are stationary (stationery).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a cook like a barber? <span class="answer">He dresses
+hare (hair).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a waiter like a race-horse? <span class="answer">He
+often runs for a plate or a cup.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a good story like a church bell?
+<span class="answer">Because it is often tolled (told).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the weight of the moon? <span class="answer">Four
+quarters.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can you distinguish a fashionable man
+from a tired dog? <span class="answer">One wears an entire costume;
+the other simply pants.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a new
+sponge and a fashionable man? <span class="answer">If you well
+wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet
+the other it takes all the swell out of him.</span></p>
+
+<p>If I were to see you riding on a donkey,
+what fruit should I be reminded of? <span class="answer">A pair
+(pear).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are cats like unskillful surgeons?
+<span class="answer">Because they mew-till-late and destroy patience
+(mutilate and destroy patients).</span></p>
+
+<p>When may you be said literally to "drink
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span>
+in" music? <span class="answer">When you have a piano for-tea
+(forte).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a professional
+pianoforte player, and the one who
+hears him? <span class="answer">One plays for his pay, the other
+pays for his play.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady?
+<span class="answer">Because he's a pilferer (pill for her).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck?
+<span class="answer">Because they have both done quacking.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk
+in life" is selling eggs, certain to be successful?
+<span class="answer">Because he shows a good egg-sample
+from egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent
+motives).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone?
+<span class="answer">Because it's hardly done.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is most like a hen stealing? <span class="answer">Why,
+a cock-robin.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why have chickens no fear of a future
+state? <span class="answer">Because they have their next world in
+this (necks twirled).</span></p>
+
+<p>By what female name would an egg object
+to be called? <span class="answer">Addle-laid (Adelaide).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span>
+known? <span class="answer">Because they always have a comb
+about them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dirty man like flannel? <span class="answer">Because
+he shrinks from washing.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the earth
+and the sea? <span class="answer">One is dirty, the other tidy.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is geology considered a deep science?
+<span class="answer">Because it penetrates deep into the earth.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why was our last question like a young
+lady sitting on theological works? <span class="answer">Because
+it was virgin on something serious.</span></p>
+
+<p>When you see a lady in distress, what
+should you pull up, and what bury? <span class="answer">You
+should pluck up courage and inter-fear
+(interfere) in her behalf.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a good and
+a bad governess? <span class="answer">One teaches Miss, the
+other misteaches.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to be literally
+immersed in his business? <span class="answer">When giving a
+swimming lesson.</span></p>
+
+<p>What prevents a running river running
+right away? <span class="answer">It is tied up.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of a cold is necessary to insure
+your getting on well at Court? <span class="answer">Influence-sir.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man taking a hedge at a single
+bound like one snoring? <span class="answer">Because he does it
+in his-leap (his sleep).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are ladies like hinges? <span class="answer">Because they
+are things to a door (adore).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which never asks questions,
+yet requires many answers? <span class="answer">The doorknocker.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a door always in the subjunctive
+mood? <span class="answer">Because it is always wood (would)&mdash;or
+should be.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a new-born baby like a storm?
+<span class="answer">Because it begins with a squall.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a schoolmaster like a man with
+one eye? <span class="answer">When he has a vacancy for a pupil.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do angry women prove themselves
+strong nerved? <span class="answer">They exhibit their "presents
+of mind" by giving you a bit of it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What soup would cannibals prefer? <span class="answer">The
+broth of a boy.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the only form in this world which
+all nations, barbarous and civilized and otherwise,
+are agreed upon following? <span class="answer">The female
+form.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a comet more like a dog than the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span>
+dog-star? <span class="answer">Because it has a tail and the dog-star
+hasn't.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than
+in the morning? <span class="answer">Because he is let out at
+night and taken in in the morning.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good
+manager? <span class="answer">Because he makes both ends meet.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a black dog not a black dog?
+<span class="answer">When he is a grey-hound.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should you always choose white
+cows? <span class="answer">Because it is no use milking those that
+are dun before you begin.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are two watches given as prizes like
+a happy married couple? <span class="answer">Because though
+they are two, yet are they one (won).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a human being like an earthen jug?
+<span class="answer">Because both are made of clay.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man with corns on his feet like a
+certain favorite vegetable? <span class="answer">Because he is a
+toe-martyr (tomato).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bald head like heaven? <span class="answer">Because
+there is no parting or dyeing there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle?
+<span class="answer">Because there is an arm-y presentation.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a young man who seldom attends
+church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church
+in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends
+church? <span class="answer">Because he is sitting under the
+droppings of the sanctuary.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a general should ask in vain for martial
+music, what word would embody his request?
+<span class="answer">Conundrum (can none drum?).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned
+country woman? <span class="answer">Because she reels and
+spins.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what constellation are the two shooting
+dogs which never go down? <span class="answer">In Ursa Major,
+the pointers; they never go down because they
+are not setters.</span></p>
+
+<p>What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest
+pudding, and for what other bird was it
+made? <span class="answer">Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo)
+made it, and for the swallow, of course.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are some ministers worse than Brigham
+Young? <span class="answer">Because they have married
+more women than they can support, and
+would like to marry more.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what respect does an attorney resemble
+a clergyman? <span class="answer">He studies the law and profits
+(prophets).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to raise strawberries?
+<span class="answer">With a spoon.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an
+honorable man? <span class="answer">Because he is <em>above</em> doing a
+mean action.</span></p>
+
+<p>"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is
+venison like my late and never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented
+husband?" <span class="answer">Because it is the
+dear (deer) departed.</span></p>
+
+<p>What consolation has the homely girl? <span class="answer">She
+will be a <em>pretty</em> old one if she lives long
+enough.</span></p>
+
+<p>What moral sentence does a weathercock
+suggest? <span class="answer">"It is a vain (vane) thing to
+a-spire."</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which if you take away all
+the letters remains the same? <span class="answer">The postman.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a correct knowledge of grammar
+indispensable to young clergymen? <span class="answer">Because
+it leads to a(c)curacy.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an extremely religious Roman
+Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose?
+<span class="answer">Because she is so faithful to her proper gander
+(propaganda).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a baker a most improvident person?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">Because he is continually selling that
+which he kneads himself.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a good husband like dough? <span class="answer">Because
+a woman needs him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it that the sun always rises in the
+East? <span class="answer">Because the (y)east makes everything
+rise.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a very frequent mistake clergymen
+make in their sermons? <span class="answer">Their being
+too long.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that if you take the whole away
+some remains? <span class="answer">Whole-some.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is coal the most contradictory article
+known to commerce? <span class="answer">Because when purchased
+it goes to the cellar (seller).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a baby and
+a shipwrecked sailor? <span class="answer">One clings to its ma,
+and the other to his (s)par.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lance like the moon? <span class="answer">Both are
+the glory of the knight.</span></p>
+
+<p>When can you carry water in a sieve?
+<span class="answer">When it is ice.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain?
+<span class="answer">It is a slow pup.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is larger than a nutmeg? <span class="answer">A nutmeg-grater.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is it easiest to read? <span class="answer">In the autumn
+when Nature turns the leaves.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do women seek husbands named William?
+<span class="answer">That they may have a <em>Will</em> of their
+own.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep
+in? <span class="answer">It leaves a-wake behind.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who are the best astronomers? <span class="answer">The stars,
+for they have studded the heavens for centuries.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that goes up and down hill, but
+never moves? <span class="answer">The road.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the Prince
+of Wales and a fountain? <span class="answer">One is heir to the
+throne, the other thrown to the air.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a negro woman like a doorway?
+<span class="answer">Because she's a negress.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does a sailor know there's a man in
+the moon? <span class="answer">Because he has been to sea. Why
+didn't he stay there? <span class="answer">Because he found it
+was full.</span></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50
+train? <span class="answer">It is ten to one if you catch it.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why should alchemists and astrologers be
+females? <span class="answer">They are often Ann Elizas and
+Charlotte Anns from birth.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does Patrick propose to get over his
+single blessedness? <span class="answer">By proposing to Bridge-it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a kiss like a sermon? <span class="answer">Because it
+requires two heads and an application.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a man named Benjamin marry
+a girl named Annie? <span class="answer">Because he would then
+be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.</span></p>
+
+<p>State why a donkey browsing in a bed of
+thistles appears ill. <span class="answer">Because he's a little down
+in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about
+the face.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why am I, when prudently laying by
+money, like myself when foolishly squandering
+it? <span class="answer">Because in either case I am&mdash;ass.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a teapot like a kitten? <span class="answer">When
+you're teasin' it (your tea's in it).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a puss purr? <span class="answer">For an obvious
+pur-puss (purpose).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer?
+<span class="answer">When it stems the currants.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? <span class="answer">Because
+it's meant to keep the chaps off.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's
+apron? <span class="answer">Because they keep the sparks
+off.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what condition is a beer-barrel when it
+resembles old-fashioned curtains? <span class="answer">When it's
+tap is dry (tapestry).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's
+funeral never be dry? <span class="answer">Because they have a
+gall on a bier between them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best day for making pancakes?
+<span class="answer">Fry-day.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pair of skates like an apple? <span class="answer">Because
+they have both occasioned the fall of
+man.</span></p>
+
+<p>On a frosty day, what are the best fishes
+to fasten together? <span class="answer">Skates, soles, an'
+(h)eels.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what sort of syllables ought a parrot
+to be taught to speak? <span class="answer">In polly-silly-bills.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to
+have more than two reasons for the faith
+that is in him? <span class="answer">Because three scruples make
+a dram.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best key to a good dinner?
+<span class="answer">Turkey.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is your favorite puppy like a doll?
+<span class="answer">It is a pup-pet.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which of the planets would a tortoise like
+best to live in? <span class="answer">Herschel.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bullet like a tender glance? <span class="answer">Because
+it pierces hearts.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most suitable dance to wind
+up a frolic? <span class="answer">A reel.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a cook more noisy than a gong?
+<span class="answer">One makes a din, the other a dinner.</span></p>
+
+<p>What death does the sculptor die? <span class="answer">He
+makes faces, and busts.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a room that is full of people
+be said to be empty? <span class="answer">When there is not a
+<em>single</em> person in it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Of what trade is the sun? <span class="answer">A tanner.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a ship be said to be in love?
+<span class="answer">When she is tender on a man-of-war.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she actively in love? <span class="answer">When she
+seeks a mate.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she ambitiously in love? <span class="answer">When
+she is making up to a peer.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is she foolishly in love? <span class="answer">When she
+is attached to a great buoy.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she absurdly in love? <span class="answer">When she
+is h'anchoring after a heavy swell.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she demonstratively in love?
+<span class="answer">When she hugs the shore.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she weakly in love? <span class="answer">When she
+rests on the bosom of a little cove.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is she treated too familiarly?
+<span class="answer">When a smack follows her bow.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? <span class="answer">He
+asks for alms when he wants legs.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion?
+<span class="answer">Because he lives on ropes and
+poles, and thrives.</span></p>
+
+<p>If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what
+would he fall against? <span class="answer">Against his inclination.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of
+a tree? <span class="answer">Because it's farthest from the bark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is there no such thing as an entire
+day? <span class="answer">Because every day begins by breaking.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which every living being has
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span>
+seen, but will never see again? <span class="answer">Yesterday.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which <em>will be</em> yesterday, and
+<em>was</em> to-morrow? <span class="answer">To-day.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is better than presence of mind in
+a railway accident? <span class="answer">Absence of body.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous?
+<span class="answer">Because then you are sure to be run
+over by carriages and automobiles.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady
+that she is "as beautiful as an angel?" <span class="answer">Because,
+if we believe what we read, the angels
+must be very ancient.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the superlative of temper?
+<span class="answer">Tempest.</span></p>
+
+<p>On what day of the year do women talk
+least? <span class="answer">On the shortest day.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of a musical instrument resembles
+a bad hotel? <span class="answer">A vile-inn.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it which every one wishes for,
+and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is
+obtained? <span class="answer">A good appetite.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a spider were late to dinner, what
+would he do? <span class="answer">Take a fly.</span></p>
+
+<p>Name the most unsociable things in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span>
+world? <span class="answer">Milestones; for you never see two
+of them together.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is swearing like an old coat? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a bad habit.</span></p>
+
+<p>Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly
+through the earth, starting from New York,
+and you went in at this end, where would you
+come out? <span class="answer">Out of the hole.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a Roman
+Catholic priest and a Baptist? <span class="answer">One uses
+wax candles and the other dips.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, when you paint a man's portrait,
+may you be described as stepping into his
+shoes? <span class="answer">Because you make his feet-yours
+(features).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the very best and cheapest light,
+especially for painters? <span class="answer">Daylight.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a marine painter like a large vessel?
+<span class="answer">Because he draws so much water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it extraordinary not to find a
+painter's studio as hot as an oven? <span class="answer">Because
+it is there that he makes his bread.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where should you feel for the poor? <span class="answer">In
+your pocket.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way of making a coat
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span>
+last? <span class="answer">Make the trousers and waistcoat first.</span></p>
+
+<p>What animals are admitted at the opera?
+<span class="answer">White kids.</span></p>
+
+<p>With what two animals do you always go
+to bed? <span class="answer">Two calves.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the actions of men like great
+rivers? <span class="answer">Because we see the course that they
+take, but not the source whence they spring.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a young lady not a young lady?
+<span class="answer">When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is better, getting the girl of your
+choice or a shoulder of mutton? <span class="answer">A shoulder
+of mutton; as nothing earthly can be
+better than getting her you love, and a
+shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>At what period in his sorrow does a widower
+recover from the loss of his dear departed?
+<span class="answer">When he re-wives (revives).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are policemen particularly required
+in a hop ground? <span class="answer">Because there are always
+so many people picking pockets there.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is water most likely to escape?
+<span class="answer">When it is only half-tide.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Plant a puppy, and what would come up?
+<span class="answer">Dog would.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are artists like washerwomen? <span class="answer">Because
+they are not satisfied until their works
+are "hung on the line."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man who never lays a wager as
+bad as a regular gambler? <span class="answer">Because he is no
+better (bettor).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does the conductor cut a hole in your
+railroad ticket? <span class="answer">To let you pass through.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a man troubled with gout
+make his will? <span class="answer">Because he will then have
+his leg at ease (legatees).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which no one wishes to have,
+yet no one wishes to lose? <span class="answer">A bald head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are fixed stars like wicked old men?
+<span class="answer">Because they sin-till-late (scintillate).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are very old people necessarily prolix
+and tedious? <span class="answer">Because they die late (dilate).</span></p>
+
+<p>A lady asked a gentleman how old he
+was. He answered, "My age is what you
+do in everything&mdash;excel (XL)."</p>
+
+<p>Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful
+friend? <span class="answer">Because, though you may
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span>
+positively load its back with silver, it will
+reflect on you.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a butler like a mountain? <span class="answer">Because
+he looks down on the valley (valet).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which the fox has and the
+hare most wants? <span class="answer">A brush.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to keep a man's
+love? <span class="answer">Not to return it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a wedding ring like eternity? <span class="answer">Because
+it has no beginning and no end.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a young lady prefer her mother's
+fortune to her father's? <span class="answer">Because,
+though she likes patrimony, she still better
+likes matrimony.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress?
+<span class="answer">Because she is not what she seams
+(seems).</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a man stand a good chance of
+being completely sewn up? <span class="answer">When he has a
+stitch in his side.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a dressmaker never lose her
+hooks? <span class="answer">Because she has an eye to each of
+them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a farmer
+and a seamstress? <span class="answer">The farmer gathers what
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span>
+he sows, while the seamstress sews what she
+gathers.</span></p>
+
+<p>If we were going to kill a conversational
+goose, what vegetable would she allude to?
+<span class="answer">Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best thing to do to enjoy the
+happiness of courting? <span class="answer">To get a little gal-an'-try
+(gallantry).</span></p>
+
+<p>How is it that the affections of young
+ladies, notwithstanding that they may protest
+and vow constancy, are always doubtful?
+<span class="answer">Because they are only miss givings
+(misgivings).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why may a beggar wear a very short
+coat? <span class="answer">Because it will be long enough before
+he gets another.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a lion is a new-born infant
+like? <span class="answer">His tail, because it was never seen
+before.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can you never expect a fishmonger
+to be generous? <span class="answer">Because his business makes
+him sell-fish.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a judge's nose like the middle of
+the earth? <span class="answer">Because it's the center of gravity.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the gentlest kind of spur? <span class="answer">A
+whisper.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers?
+<span class="answer">Because they make the shells
+burst on the kernel (colonel).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a hammer like a general? <span class="answer">It goes
+to the head, and settles the point of a tack
+(attack).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best material for kites? <span class="answer">Flypaper.</span></p>
+
+<p>What two reasons are there why a young
+lady going to the altar is certainly going
+wrong? <span class="answer">She is miss-taken and miss-led.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does the tongue assume the functions
+of the teeth? <span class="answer">When it back-bites.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a button? <span class="answer">A small event that is
+always coming off.</span></p>
+
+<p>What medicine ought to be given to
+misers? <span class="answer">Anti-mony.</span></p>
+
+<p>What was the cause of the potato rot?
+<span class="answer">The rot-atory motion of the earth.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the end to which all like to come?
+<span class="answer">A divid-end.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is Hobson's choice? <span class="answer">Mrs. Hobson.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why should one never complain of the
+price of a car ticket? <span class="answer">It is a <em>fare</em> thing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where does one see breakers ahead on
+land? <span class="answer">In a railway station.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a heavy incidental expense?
+<span class="answer">Having one's tooth filled.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between forms and
+ceremonies? <span class="answer">You sit upon one, and stand
+upon the other.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do locomotives hear? <span class="answer">Through
+their engin-eers.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the great motive for traveling?
+<span class="answer">The loco-motive.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why has a barber more than one life?
+<span class="answer">Because he dyes (dies) very often.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do you call the ship that carries
+more passengers than the <i>Olympic?</i> <span class="answer">Courtship.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad
+like an overloaded gun? <span class="answer">Because it is too
+much for a charge.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a United States soldier like a
+man with a ragged coat? <span class="answer">When he is out
+under arms.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is a beaver hat a wide-awake?
+<span class="answer">When it has lost its nap.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can hotel boarders dine off the
+gong? <span class="answer">Because "it is a-rousing dinner."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a retired actor like an extortioner?
+<span class="answer">Because he is an ex-actor.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who has most need to pray to be delivered
+from temptation? <span class="answer">An editor, for he
+is beset by the "devil."</span></p>
+
+<p>How can an actress appear in two pieces
+on the same evening? <span class="answer">Because she's taking
+a part (taken apart).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a watch like the moon? <span class="answer">Because
+it presents halves and quarters and reports
+time.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is any divorced man like a man
+playing at ten pins? <span class="answer">Because he has to pay
+an alimony (an alley-money).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like
+an ignorant school teacher? <span class="answer">Because her
+pupils are kept in the dark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a ball discharged in the air like
+an article for soldiers' comfort? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a blank hit (blanket).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span>
+bankrupt man? <span class="answer">Because they both
+fail to become rich.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage
+festival like one on horseback? <span class="answer">Because
+she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the men appointed to wind up
+the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has
+defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself?
+<span class="answer">Because the receiver is as bad as the
+thief.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do architects make excellent actors?
+<span class="answer">Because they are good at drawing houses.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a blush an anomaly? <span class="answer">Because a
+woman who blushes is admired for her
+cheek.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox?
+<span class="answer">Because it is catching.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do girls kiss each other, and men
+not? <span class="answer">Because girls have nothing better to
+kiss, and men have.</span></p>
+
+<p>If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon
+do I use? <span class="answer">A blunderbuss.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would young ladies of the present
+day make good pugilists? <span class="answer">Because they are
+eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span>
+willing to make a match with a man twice
+their own size any day.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man a muff? <span class="answer">When he holds a
+lady's hand without squeezing it.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man a spoon? <span class="answer">When he
+touches a lady's two lips without kissing
+them.</span></p>
+
+<p>How would you measure a lover's sincerity?
+<span class="answer">By his sighs (size).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is music like vegetables? <span class="answer">When
+there is two beats (beets) to a measure.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the <em>Outlook</em> like a man of fourscore?
+<span class="answer">Because it's weekly.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a false oath like a trial in the
+criminal court? <span class="answer">Because it is per-jury.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are doctors always wicked men?
+<span class="answer">Because the worse people are the more they
+are with them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of music should a girl sing
+whose voice is cracked and broken?
+<span class="answer">Pieces.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is better than an indifferent singer
+in a drawing room after dinner? <span class="answer">A different
+one.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What animals always have gaiters on?
+<span class="answer">Alligators.</span></p>
+
+<p>What nation has always overcome in the
+end? <span class="answer">Determination.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should you never sleep in a railway
+train? <span class="answer">The train runs over sleepers.</span></p>
+
+<p>What most frequently becomes a woman?
+<span class="answer">A little girl.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is an Englishman's notion of woman's
+mission? <span class="answer">Sub-mission.</span></p>
+
+<p>What remedy does an Irishman take for
+a scolding wife? <span class="answer">He takes an e-lix-ir (he
+licks her).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a cloud of
+rain and a beaten child? <span class="answer">One pours with
+rain, the other roars with pain.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the sunbeam say to the violet?
+"Wilt thou?" <span class="answer">And she wilted.</span></p>
+
+<p>What rose is "born to blush unseen"?
+<span class="answer">Neg-roes.</span></p>
+
+<p>What relation is a loaf of bread to a
+locomotive? <span class="answer">The mother&mdash;bread being a
+necessity, a locomotive being an invention,
+and "Necessity is the mother of invention."</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is more moist than a young lady
+with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in
+her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied
+shoes, and a crick in her back? <span class="answer">A young
+lady with a notion (an ocean) in her head.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best kind of agricultural fair?
+<span class="answer">A farmer's very pretty daughter.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a photograph like a member of
+Congress? <span class="answer">Because it's a representative.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned
+criminal? <span class="answer">Because he's glad to get off.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a bank note like iron? <span class="answer">When
+it is forged.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the sun like a good loaf? <span class="answer">It is
+light when it rises.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long
+life? <span class="answer">He can't die just (digest) now.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a person who is ailing lose his
+sense of touch? <span class="answer">Because he does not feel
+well.</span></p>
+
+<p>If you were to swallow a man, what sort
+of man would you prefer? <span class="answer">A little London
+porter.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should you never make love in the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span>
+country? <span class="answer">Because corn has ears, potatoes
+eyes, and the beans talk.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an aged man like a deserted
+house? <span class="answer">His gait (gate) is broken, and his
+locks are few.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did a blind man take at breakfast
+which restored his sight? <span class="answer">A cup and saucer
+(saw, sir!).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the laziest plant, and which the
+most active? <span class="answer">The creeper and the running
+vine.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an autoist whose machine has been
+completely wrecked like a reformed autoist?
+<span class="answer">Because he has suddenly given up motoring.</span></p>
+
+<p>What does a hen do when she stands on
+one foot? <span class="answer">Lifts up the other.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should the largest tree be near a
+church? <span class="answer">There should be no bigger tree
+(bigotry) there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a stupid servant like a church
+bell? <span class="answer">He has to be often told (tolled).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like
+dancing masters? <span class="answer">They depend on their
+pumps.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a duck go into water? <span class="answer">For
+diver's (diverse) reasons.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a duck come out of water?
+<span class="answer">For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a duck
+with one wing and one with two? <span class="answer">Merely
+a difference of a pinion (opinion).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why wasn't Peary buried in New York?
+<span class="answer">He isn't dead yet.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is the wind like a woodchopper?
+<span class="answer">When it cuts.</span></p>
+
+<p>What makes the ocean get angry? <span class="answer">It has
+been crossed so often.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the characteristic of a watch?
+<span class="answer">Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its
+face, and runs down its own works.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a clock on the stairs dangerous?
+<span class="answer">When it runs down.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a girl like an arrow? <span class="answer">Because
+she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow
+comes, and can't go off without one.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are teeth like verbs? <span class="answer">Because they
+are regular, irregular, and defective.</span></p>
+
+<p>What hands are those which work night
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span>
+and day, yet never wear out; which, although
+they strike, do not stop? <span class="answer">Clock
+hands.</span></p>
+
+<p>What's the difference between a gardener
+and a billiard marker? <span class="answer">One minds his peas,
+the other his cues.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which denotes the state of
+mind and of the body? <span class="answer">The tongue.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are books your best friends? <span class="answer">Because,
+when they bore you, you can shut
+them up without giving offense.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, when you are out in a boat, should
+you never be surprised by a sudden squall?
+<span class="answer">Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect
+to be sold.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is no country free? <span class="answer">Because anybody
+is liable to be sold by auction whom it
+is possible for the auctioneer to take in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings,
+may you pick his pockets? <span class="answer">Because he has
+picked yours (pictures).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are pipes all humbugs? <span class="answer">Because the
+best of them are but meer-shams.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where can you find every word of your
+last interesting conversation with Miss
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>all
+written down, word for word? <span class="answer">In the
+dictionary.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which a cat has but no other
+animal? <span class="answer">Kittens.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an egg like a colt? <span class="answer">Because it
+isn't fit for use until it's broken.</span></p>
+
+<p>How is it guns can kick when they have
+no legs? <span class="answer">They kick with their breeches.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier
+who runs from battle? <span class="answer">Because he departs
+from his sphere of action.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a soldier charitable? <span class="answer">When he
+presents arms.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow
+candles? <span class="answer">Because when they're exposed to
+the fire they run.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may an army be said to be totally
+destroyed? <span class="answer">When the soldiers are all in
+quarters.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a defeated army like wool? <span class="answer">Because
+it's worsted.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of men are most aboveboard
+in their movements? <span class="answer">Chessmen.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should good-natured people never
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span>
+go to small dancing parties? <span class="answer">Because hops
+produce great bitterness.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is tantalizing? <span class="answer">Giving invitations
+only to teas.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is flirting like plate-powder? <span class="answer">Because
+it brightens the spoons.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a kiss? <span class="answer">A receipt given you by
+a lady on paying your addresses.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are kisses sweetest? <span class="answer">When sirup-titiously
+(surreptitiously) obtained.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are two young ladies kissing each
+other an emblem of Christianity? <span class="answer">Because
+they are doing unto each other as they would
+men should do unto them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is confessing to a father confessor
+like killing bees? <span class="answer">Because you un-buzz-'em
+(unbosom).</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a leopard change his spots?
+<span class="answer">When he moves from one spot to another.</span></p>
+
+<p>When an old woman in a scarlet cloak
+was crossing a field in which a goat was
+browsing, what took place? <span class="answer">The goat
+turned to butter (butt her), and the old
+woman into a scarlet runner.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most wonderful animal in the
+farmyard? <span class="answer">A pig, for he is killed and then
+cured.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an elephant's head different from
+every other head? <span class="answer">Because if you cut his
+head off his body you do not take it from
+the trunk.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which has most legs, a cow or no cow?
+<span class="answer">No cow has eight legs.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the cradle
+and the grave? <span class="answer">The one is for the first
+born, the other for the last bourn.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why must a Yankee speculator be very
+subject to water on the brain? <span class="answer">Because he
+always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.</span></p>
+
+<p>What trees has fire no effect upon? <span class="answer">Ashes,
+as when burned, they are ashes still.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a tree were to break the panes of a
+window, what would they say? <span class="answer">Tree, mend
+us (tremendous).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a charade like a fir-tree? <span class="answer">When
+you get a deal bored from its length.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer?
+<span class="answer">Because he pierces the ears.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an old man's head like a song executed
+by an indifferent singer? <span class="answer">Because it
+is often terribly bawled (bald).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a piano like an onion? <span class="answer">Because
+it's mell-odious (melodious).</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of medicine is most like a sick
+monkey? <span class="answer">A pill (ape-ill).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a girl like a mirror? <span class="answer">When she's
+a good-looking (g)lass.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between some
+women and their looking-glasses? <span class="answer">They
+talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect
+without talking.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to prevent water
+coming into your house? <span class="answer">Do not pay your
+water rates.</span></p>
+
+<p>What do ladies look for when they go to
+church? <span class="answer">The hymns (hims).</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man's coat-pocket be empty
+and yet have something in it? <span class="answer">When it has
+a hole in it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a sweep
+and a man in mourning? <span class="answer">One is blacked
+with soot, and the other is suited with black.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between killed soldiers
+and repaired garments? <span class="answer">The former
+are dead men, the latter are mended (men
+dead).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a salmon die before it lives?
+<span class="answer">Because its existence is ova before it comes
+to life.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a schoolboy like a postage
+stamp? <span class="answer">When he is licked and put in the
+corner to make him stick to his letters.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between an engine-driver
+and a schoolmaster? <span class="answer">One minds the
+train, the other trains the mind.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a member of Congress ferocious?
+<span class="answer">When he inserts his claws (clause)
+into the Bill of another member.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best description of "rapid
+consumption"? <span class="answer">Bolting one's food.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? <span class="answer">Because
+he is stronger than his tail, otherwise
+his tail would wag him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin?
+<span class="answer">Because it's not currant (current).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a blow from a lady welcome?
+<span class="answer">When she strikes you agreeably.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When you give a lady a lock of your hair,
+what else does she receive from you at the
+same time? <span class="answer">A key to your feelings.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine?
+<span class="answer">Because she sends off the sparks,
+transports the mails, has a train following
+her, and passes over the plain.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of speech is kissing? <span class="answer">A conjunction.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are there more marriages in winter
+than in summer? <span class="answer">Because the men seek
+comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do the young ladies show their dislike
+of mustaches? <span class="answer">By setting their faces
+against them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are young ladies bad grammarians?
+<span class="answer">Because you seldom find one who can decline
+Matrimony.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where is it that all women are equally
+beautiful? <span class="answer">In the dark.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do girls like looking at the moon?
+<span class="answer">Because there's a man in it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a prosy preacher like the middle
+of a wheel? <span class="answer">Because the felloes around it
+are tired.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a
+hangman? <span class="answer">It has a stern duty to perform.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a cat and
+a document? <span class="answer">One has claws at the end of
+its paws, and the other has pauses at the
+end of its clauses.</span></p>
+
+<p>What two beaus can every lady have near
+at hand? <span class="answer">El-bows.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man like a cannon-ball? <span class="answer">When
+he looks round.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does the House of Representatives
+present one of the most ludicrous spectacles?
+<span class="answer">When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and
+its noes (nose) on the other.</span></p>
+
+<p>What three acts comprise the chief business
+of some women's lives? <span class="answer">Attr-act,
+contr-act, detr-act.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a donkey eat a thistle? <span class="answer">Because
+he's an ass.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a donkey
+and a postage stamp? <span class="answer">One you lick with a
+stick, the other you stick with a lick.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why shouldn't you go to church if you
+have a cough? <span class="answer">Because you will be sure to
+disturb the <em>rest</em> of the congregation.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is it dangerous to enter a church?
+<span class="answer">When there is a canon in the reading desk,
+a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop
+charges the congregation.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a rushlight like a tombstone?
+<span class="answer">When it is put up for a <em>late</em> husband.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are women like churches? <span class="answer">Because
+there is no living without one; because
+there is many a-spire to them; and
+because they are objects of adoration.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is your thumb, when putting on a
+glove, like eternity? <span class="answer">Because it's ever-last-in'
+(everlasting).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are kisses like creation? <span class="answer">They are
+made of nothing, yet are very good.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman
+near the end of his sermon? <span class="answer">He's tor'd his
+clothes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a greenback more desirable than
+gold? <span class="answer">When you put it in your pocket you
+double it and when you take it out you find
+it in creases.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it dangerous to walk out in the
+spring? <span class="answer">The grass is full of blades, the
+trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil,
+and the bull rushes out.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which, although only four
+inches long and three inches wide, contains
+a solid foot? <span class="answer">A shoe.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a physician
+and a magician? <span class="answer">One is a cupper, the other
+a sorcerer.</span></p>
+
+<p>What becomes of all the pins? <span class="answer">They fall
+to the earth, and become terra-pins.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a belle like a locomotive? <span class="answer">She
+transports the mails.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Freshman like a telescope?
+<span class="answer">He is easily drawn out, seen through, and
+shut up.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a flea like a long winter? <span class="answer">It
+makes a backward spring.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the smallest room in the world?
+<span class="answer">The mush-room.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the largest room in the world?
+<span class="answer">Room for improvement.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which is above all human
+imperfections, and yet shelters the weakest
+and most depraved, as well as the best of
+men? <span class="answer">A hat.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked?
+<span class="answer">Because he's chicken-hearted.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why would a compliment from a chicken
+be an insult? <span class="answer">Because it would be in fowl
+language.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an aristocratic seminary for young
+ladies like a flower garden? <span class="answer">Because it's a
+place of haughty culture (horticulture).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are deaf people like India shawls?
+<span class="answer">Because you can't make them here (hear).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which belongs to yourself,
+yet is used by every one more than yourself?
+<span class="answer">Your name.</span></p>
+
+<p>What tongue is that which frequently hurts
+and grieves you, and yet does not speak a
+word? <span class="answer">The tongue of your shoe.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to be personally
+involved? <span class="answer">When he is wrapped up in himself.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is most like a horse's foot? <span class="answer">A
+mare's.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field?
+<span class="answer">Because the better tempered he
+is the easier he takes a fence (offense).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a dogma? <span class="answer">An opinion laid down
+with a snarl.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail?
+<span class="answer">Because it stops a waggin'.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are handcuffs like knapsacks?
+<span class="answer">When made for two-wrists (tourists).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a butterfly
+and a volcano? <span class="answer">In one the lava comes
+out of the crater, in the other the "crater"
+comes out of the larva.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like
+one who presents a young lady with a young
+dog? <span class="answer">He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity?
+<span class="answer">It has sent many a boy to sea (see).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best way to double a flock of
+sheep? <span class="answer">Fold them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are mortgages like burglars? <span class="answer">They
+secure (seek your) money.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph?
+<span class="answer">It is so much quicker than the
+mail (male) intelligence.</span></p>
+
+<p>If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it
+be a good plan to lose another to-morrow?
+<span class="answer">So as to make your loss a-gain.</span></p>
+
+<p>What constitutes a weighty discourse?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">First to ann-<em>ounce</em> a text, then to ex-<em>pound</em>
+it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is disgusting to all but those who
+swallow it? <span class="answer">Flattery.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lawyer like an honest man? <span class="answer">He
+is a man of deeds as well as of words.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a young man study law? <span class="answer">To
+get on.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does he continue in the profession?
+<span class="answer">To get honor.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does he leave the profession? <span class="answer">To
+get honest.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between fog and
+a falling star? <span class="answer">One is a mist on earth, the
+other is missed in heaven.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the present moment like skim-milk?
+<span class="answer">It's scum (come).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle?
+<span class="answer">They both hold a gal(l)on.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can you shoot one hundred and
+twenty hares at one shot? <span class="answer">Fire at a wig.</span></p>
+
+<p>Name that which, with only one eye put
+out, has but a nose left. <span class="answer">Noise.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are laundresses good navigators?
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span>
+<span class="answer">Because they are always crossing the line,
+and going from pole to pole.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which if you name it even
+you break it? <span class="answer">Silence.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which you can keep even
+after giving it to somebody else? <span class="answer">Your
+word.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which the dead and the living
+do at the same time? <span class="answer">Go round with
+the world.</span></p>
+
+<p>What snuff-taker is that whose box gets
+fuller the more pinches he takes? <span class="answer">The
+snuffers.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are your nose and chin constantly at
+variance? <span class="answer">Because words are continually
+passing between them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the smallest bridge in the world?
+<span class="answer">The bridge of your nose.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous
+Koh-i-noor diamond? <span class="answer">Because he's a Jew-ill.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an undutiful son like one born
+deaf? <span class="answer">Because your voice is lost upon him.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which is put on the table
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span>
+and cut, but never eaten? <span class="answer">A pack of cards.</span></p>
+
+<p>What fashionable game do frogs play at&mdash;besides
+leap-frog? <span class="answer">Croaky (croquet).</span></p>
+
+<p>What question is that to which you positively
+must answer yes? <span class="answer">What does y-e-s
+spell?</span></p>
+
+<p>What would a pig do if he wished to
+build himself a habitation? <span class="answer">Tie a knot in
+his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).</span></p>
+
+<p>If the before-mentioned porker wished to
+demolish the pig's sty he had built, what
+quotation would he make? <span class="answer">"I could a tail
+(tale) unfold.</span>"</p>
+
+<p>What is that which is white, black, and
+red all over, which shows some people to
+be green, and makes others look black and
+blue? <span class="answer">A newspaper.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a newspaper like an army? <span class="answer">Because
+it has leaders, columns, and reviews.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a lady's face in January is
+like a celebrated fur? <span class="answer">Chin-chilly (chinchilla).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are suicides invariably successful people
+in the world? <span class="answer">Because they always
+manage to accomplish their own ends.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry?
+<span class="answer">At the State Bath House, where you
+can get a duck for a dime.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the "blue devils" like muffins?
+<span class="answer">Because they are both fancy bred (bread).</span></p>
+
+<p>What makes more noise than a pig in a
+sty? <span class="answer">Two pigs.</span></p>
+
+<p>When would a farmer have the best opportunity
+for overlooking his pigs? <span class="answer">When
+he has a sty in his eye.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is lengthened by being cut at both
+ends? <span class="answer">A ditch.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a nobleman's title sometimes
+become extinct? <span class="answer">Because, though the king
+can make a man appear (a peer), he can't
+make him apparent (a parent).</span></p>
+
+<p>What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays
+the doctor? <span class="answer">A draft.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the worst kind of fare for a man
+to live on? <span class="answer">Warfare.</span></p>
+
+<p>Of what color are the winds and waves in
+a storm? <span class="answer">The winds blew (blue) and the
+waters rose.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does a ray of light get through a
+prism? <span class="answer">It hews (hues) its way.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What would a bear want if he should get
+into a dry-goods store? <span class="answer">Muslin (muzzling).</span></p>
+
+<p>When does English butter become Irish
+butter? <span class="answer">When it is made into little <em>Pats</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the most ancient of trees? <span class="answer">The
+elder tree.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which are the most seasonable clothes?
+<span class="answer">Pepper and salt.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are lawyers and doctors safe people
+by whom to take example? <span class="answer">Because
+they practice their professions.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fiddle like a man who gives
+money to make up a quarrel? <span class="answer">Because it is
+for a-tone-ment.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a good pun like a good cat? <span class="answer">Because
+it requires pause (paws).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner?
+<span class="answer">Because it makes a man's mouth water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse
+when the pit is full? <span class="answer">Because it is a
+pitiful house.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fortified town like a pudding?
+<span class="answer">Because it's often batter'd.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a tallow chandler live better
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span>
+than another man? <span class="answer">Because he lives on the
+fat of the land.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a water lily like a whale? <span class="answer">Because
+it comes to the surface to blow.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a resolution like a looking glass?
+<span class="answer">Because it is so easily broken.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can you never tell real hysterics
+from sham ones? <span class="answer">Because in either case it
+is a feint (faint).</span></p>
+
+<p>When may ladies who are enjoying themselves
+be said to look wretched? <span class="answer">When at
+the opera, as then they are in tiers.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a bonnet not a bonnet? <span class="answer">When
+it becomes a pretty woman.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a vine like a soldier? <span class="answer">Because it
+is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then
+shoots.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a miserly uncle with whom you
+have quarreled like a person with a short
+memory? <span class="answer">Because he is ever for-getting,
+and never for-giving.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are worn-out clothes like children
+without parents? <span class="answer">Because they are left
+off'uns (orphans).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a milkmaid
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span>
+and a swallow? <span class="answer">One skims the milk,
+the other the water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a very demure young lady like a
+tugboat? <span class="answer">Because she pays no attention to
+the swells that follow her.</span></p>
+
+<p>What smells most in a chemist's shop?
+<span class="answer">The nose.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is your greatest friend? <span class="answer">Your nose,
+because it will run for you till it drops.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which travels faster, heat or cold?
+<span class="answer">Heat, because you can easily catch cold.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the muffin say to the toasting
+fork? <span class="answer">You're too pointed.</span></p>
+
+<p>I am forever, yet was never. <span class="answer">Eternity.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which eat more grass, black sheep or
+white? <span class="answer">White, because there are more of
+them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a very amusing man like a very
+bad shot? <span class="answer">Because he keeps the game
+alive.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the height of folly? <span class="answer">Spending
+your last shilling on a purse.</span></p>
+
+<p>In what sort of family does the seventh
+night of the week come on the sixth? <span class="answer">In
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span>
+that sort of family where Saturday is a bath
+night (is Sabbath night).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are clouds like coachmen? <span class="answer">Because
+they hold the reins (rains).</span></p>
+
+<p>On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief
+be used to build a house? <span class="answer">If it became-brick
+(be cambric).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why did the young lady return the dumb
+waiter? <span class="answer">Because it didn't answer.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a schoolboy being flogged like
+your eye? <span class="answer">Because he's a pupil under the
+lash.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a blow leave a blue mark? <span class="answer">Because
+blow, when perfect, makes blew.</span></p>
+
+<p>When has a man brown hands? <span class="answer">When
+he's tand-'em driving.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team
+like the acceptor of a bill? <span class="answer">Because
+he's the end horse, sir (endorser).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a man marrying a second time like
+<i>sal volatile?</i> <span class="answer">Because it's re-wiving.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a lady be absolutely pronounced
+to be quite past recovery? <span class="answer">When
+she is speechless, and can only chatter with
+her teeth.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated
+by the Atlantic Ocean? <span class="answer">Because, although
+they may correspond, they never
+meet.</span></p>
+
+<p>What two ages often prove illusory?
+<span class="answer">Mir-age and marri-age.</span></p>
+
+<p>State the difference between a grocer selling
+a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's
+boy with a pestle and mortar. <span class="answer">One weighs
+a pound, the other pounds away.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? <span class="answer">It
+may be considered underground.</span></p>
+
+<p>When can an Irish servant answer two
+questions at the same time? <span class="answer">When she is
+asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the
+cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's
+ate."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why would an owl be offended at your
+calling him a pheasant? <span class="answer">Because you
+would be making game of him.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can a fish never be in the dark? <span class="answer">Because
+of his parraffins (pair o' fins).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a candle like an ill-conditioned,
+quarrelsome man? <span class="answer">When it is put out before
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span>
+it has had time to flare up and blaze
+away.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is love like a candle? <span class="answer">Because the
+longer it burns the less it becomes.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a tight
+boot and an oak tree? <span class="answer">One makes acorns,
+the other makes corns ache.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does the east wind never blow
+straight? <span class="answer">Because it blows oblique (blows
+so bleak).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a <i>premičre
+danseuse</i> and a duck? <span class="answer">One goes quick on
+her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack"
+on her beautiful eggs.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a French
+pastry-cook and a billsticker? <span class="answer">One puffs up
+paste, the other pastes up puffs.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself?
+<span class="answer">Because it is so-lo.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a young lady like an acrobat?
+<span class="answer">When she shows her sleight of hand by refusing
+you.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like
+a pretty girl? <span class="answer">Because it is seldom let
+alone.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected
+man? <span class="answer">Because it is down in the
+mouth.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of one's head is fit to eat?
+<span class="answer">An ear o' rye (awry).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why cannot you make a venison pasty of
+buck venison? <span class="answer">Because the pasty must be
+made of dough (doe).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why ought venison to be only half-cooked?
+<span class="answer">Because what is done, cannot be
+helped.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do sailors working in brigs make
+bad servants? <span class="answer">Because it is impossible for
+a man to serve two mast-ers well.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house
+keepers with newly married couples?
+<span class="answer">Because they are accustomed to sea-side
+dears (seize ideas), and to make the most
+out of them that is possible.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is Majesty deprived of its externals?
+<span class="answer">A jest (M-ajest-y).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a cracker like death? <span class="answer">Because it
+is a debt o' natur' (detonator).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the greatest instance of cannibalism
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span>
+on record? <span class="answer">When a rash man ate a
+rasher.</span></p>
+
+<p>What tree bears the most fruit to market?
+<span class="answer">The axle-tree.</span></p>
+
+<p>How is it that trees can put on new dresses
+without "opening their trunks"? <span class="answer">Because
+they leave out their summer clothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a potato
+and a soldier? <span class="answer">One shoots from the eye,
+the other from the shoulder.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a beehive
+and a diseased potato? <span class="answer">None at all; one is
+a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd
+tatur (spectator).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a piece of
+honeycomb and a black eye? <span class="answer">One is produced
+by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed
+cottons? <span class="answer">Because they are warranted
+to wash&mdash;and keep color.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are volunteers like old maids? <span class="answer">Because
+they are always ready, but never
+wanted.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why would young ladies make good volunteers?
+<span class="answer">Because they are accustomed to
+bare arms.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between love and
+war? <span class="answer">One breaks hearts, the other heads.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a volunteer
+and an omelet? <span class="answer">The difference is that one
+is equipped to go forth, the other is egg
+whipped to go froth.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer?
+<span class="answer">Because he is a negro-man-sir (necromancer).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which every one frequently
+holds yet rarely touches? <span class="answer">His tongue.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a good way to make money fast?
+<span class="answer">Put it in a safety deposit box.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is one who uses hair dye like a
+suicide? <span class="answer">Because he dies by his own hand.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are frames put about tomato plants?
+<span class="answer">To make the tomato ketchup (catch up).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should wire be used to train string
+beans? <span class="answer">So that they may not be too stringy.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a proposal like the first conviction
+for drunkenness? <span class="answer">Because it is a short sentence
+which generally leads to a long one.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What kind of a pen does the plagiarist
+use? <span class="answer">Steel.</span></p>
+
+<p>If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what
+relation does she bear to you? <span class="answer">Your
+mother.</span></p>
+
+<p>Of what profession is every child? <span class="answer">A
+player.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious
+person? <span class="answer">Because it has no scruples.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is heavier, the half or the full
+moon? <span class="answer">The half, because the full moon is
+as light again.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why must a fisherman be very wealthy?
+<span class="answer">Because his is all net profit.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a boat like a heap of snow?
+<span class="answer">When it is a-drift.</span></p>
+
+<p>What 'bus has found room for the greatest
+number of people? <span class="answer">Colum-bus.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an alligator the most deceitful of
+animals? <span class="answer">Because he shows an open countenance
+in the act of taking you in.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to be really over
+head and ears in debt? <span class="answer">When he hasn't
+paid for his wig.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between the Prince
+of Wales, an orphan, a bald-headed man, and
+a gorilla? <span class="answer">The first is an heir apparent,
+the second has ne'er a parent, the third has
+no hair apparent, and the fourth has a hairy
+parent.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a son not take after his
+father? <span class="answer">When his father leaves him nothing
+to take.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are poor relations like fits of the
+gout? <span class="answer">Because the oftener they come the
+longer they stay.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like
+sympathy? <span class="answer">Because it is a fellow feeling
+for another.</span></p>
+
+<p>When could you eat a lady's hand?
+<span class="answer">When it is a warm muff in.</span></p>
+
+<p>Just state the difference between an
+auction and sea-sickness. <span class="answer">One is a sale of
+effects, the other the effects of a sail.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a man who has been all his
+life a woodcutter, never come home to dinner?
+<span class="answer">Because he's not only bred (bread)
+there, but he's always a chop in (a-choppin')
+the wood.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a soldier
+and a fisherman? <span class="answer">One bayonets, the other
+nets a bay.</span></p>
+
+<p>What musical instrument invites you to
+fish? <span class="answer">Cast-a-net (castanet).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a fisherman
+and a lazy schoolboy? <span class="answer">One baits his
+hook, the other hates his book.</span></p>
+
+<p>What words may be pronounced quicker
+and shorter by adding syllables to them?
+<span class="answer">Quick and short.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the worth of a woman? <span class="answer">Double
+you, O man (w-o-man).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a kiss like a rumor? <span class="answer">Because it
+goes from mouth to mouth.</span></p>
+
+<p>What shape is a kiss? <span class="answer">A-lip-tickle (elliptical).</span></p>
+
+<p>What becomes every woman? <span class="answer">A blush.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are three couples going to be married
+like penny trumpets? <span class="answer">Because they go
+two-two-two.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which fastens two people together,
+yet touches only one? <span class="answer">The wedding-ring.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is a ring? <span class="answer">A hole with a rim
+around it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What grows bigger the more you contract
+it? <span class="answer">Debt.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his
+fortune, like the water in a filter? <span class="answer">Because
+he soon runs through it, and leaves many
+matters behind to settle.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are birds melancholy in the morning?
+<span class="answer">Because their little bills are all over dew
+(overdue).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a last will
+and testament and a man who has eaten as
+much as he can? <span class="answer">One is signed and dated,
+and the other is dined and sated.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the greatest feat, in the eating
+way, ever known? <span class="answer">That recorded of a man
+who commenced by bolting a door, after
+which he threw up a window, and then sat
+down and swallowed a whole story.</span></p>
+
+<p>How should love come to the door?
+<span class="answer">With a ring.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to
+marry, what flower would he name? <span class="answer">Any
+money (anemone).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When may two people be said to be half-witted?
+<span class="answer">When there is an understanding
+between them.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the science of self-defense like
+low tide? <span class="answer">It develops the muscles.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should a teetotaler never take a
+wife? <span class="answer">He will not sup-porter (support her).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should free seats at church be
+abolished? <span class="answer">They make people good for
+nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>What relation is the door-mat to the
+threshold? <span class="answer">A step-father (farther).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is love deformed? <span class="answer">When it is all
+on one side.</span></p>
+
+<p>Where have you the most extended view?
+<span class="answer">In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole
+to pole.</span></p>
+
+<p>What burns to keep a secret? <span class="answer">Sealing
+wax.</span></p>
+
+<p>Plant the setting sun, and what will come
+up? <span class="answer">The morning glory.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy
+ciphering? <span class="answer">He puts down three and carries
+one.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are eyes like stage-horses? <span class="answer">They
+are always under the lash.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the brightest idea of the day?
+<span class="answer">Your eye, dear.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee
+drink? <span class="answer">They are 'lasses in water.</span></p>
+
+<p>Of what color is grass under snow? <span class="answer">Invisible
+green.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the hardest conundrum? <span class="answer">Life,
+because we all have to give it up.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which is often given you,
+which you never have, yet which you often
+give up? <span class="answer">A conundrum.</span></p>
+
+<p>What kin is that child to his own father
+who is not his own father's son? <span class="answer">His
+daughter.</span></p>
+
+<p>If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation
+is Dick to Tom? <span class="answer">Tom is his grandfather.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a man sneeze three times?
+<span class="answer">When he cannot help it.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a piebald pony never pay toll?
+<span class="answer">Because his master pays it for him.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to have four
+hands? <span class="answer">When he doubles his fists.</span></p>
+
+<p>What goes over the water and under the
+water, but never touches the water? <span class="answer">A
+woman crossing a bridge with a pail of
+water on her head.</span></p>
+
+<p>How many peas in a pint? <span class="answer">One.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a soldier like a watch? <span class="answer">When
+he is on guard.</span></p>
+
+<p>How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn
+his living? <span class="answer">By fowl means.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots?
+<span class="answer">Because he carries his calves there.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a cat rest better in summer?
+<span class="answer">Because summer brings a cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that every man overlooks? <span class="answer">His
+nose.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why should potatoes grow better than any
+other vegetable? <span class="answer">Because they have eyes to
+see what they are doing.</span></p>
+
+<p>What were the last words of the bugler
+who was gored by the bull? <span class="answer">"Blow the
+horns!"</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are lawyers like shears? <span class="answer">Because
+they do not cut each other, but only what
+comes between them.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have feet and walk not? <span class="answer">Stoves.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have eyes and see not? <span class="answer">Potatoes.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have noses but smell not? <span class="answer">Teapots.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have hands but work not? <span class="answer">Clocks.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have mouths but eat not? <span class="answer">Rivers.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have ears but hear not? <span class="answer">Cornstalks.</span></p>
+
+<p>What have tongues but talk not? <span class="answer">Wagons.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do we all go to bed? <span class="answer">Because the
+bed will not come to us.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is higher and handsomer when the
+head is off? <span class="answer">A pillow.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best thing to make in a hurry?
+<span class="answer">Haste.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do dentists make good politicians?
+<span class="answer">Because they have a great pull.</span></p>
+
+<p>If a tailor and a goose are on the top of
+a monument, what is the quickest way for
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span>
+the tailor to get down? <span class="answer">Pluck the goose.</span></p>
+
+<p>If I walk into a room full of people and
+place a new penny upon the table in full view
+of the company, what does the coin do? <span class="answer">It
+looks round.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a mouse like hay? <span class="answer">Because the
+cat'll eat it (cattle).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a madman equal to two men? <span class="answer">Because
+he is one beside himself.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which member of Congress wears the
+largest hat? <span class="answer">The one who has the largest
+head.</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a pig become landed property?
+<span class="answer">When he is turned into a meadow.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a cow and
+a rickety chair? <span class="answer">One gives milk and the
+other gives whey (way).</span></p>
+
+<p>What flower most resembles a bull's
+mouth? <span class="answer">The cowslip.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a lady deformed? <span class="answer">When mending
+stockings; because she then has her
+hands where her feet ought to be.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a
+phantom? <span class="answer">Because he's an airy-nought
+(aėronaut).</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why do little birds in their nests agree?
+<span class="answer">For fear of falling out.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant
+sight to witness? <span class="answer">Because it's an
+eye-sore ('igh soar).</span></p>
+
+<p>What impermeable fabric is a sparrow
+like? <span class="answer">Gutter percher (gutta percha).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which of the feathered tribe can lift the
+heaviest weights? <span class="answer">The crane.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does the rope dancer invariably have
+to repeat his performances? <span class="answer">Because they
+are always on cord (encored).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a widow
+and a window? <span class="answer">Little if <em>n</em>-y; for the trans-parents
+griefs of the one, like the panes of
+the other, are removed in course of re-pairing;
+and the latter is for mankind to look
+out of, while the former looks out for mankind.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a loaf of bread be said to be
+inhabited? <span class="answer">When it has a little Indian in it.</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a fish weighs most? <span class="answer">The
+scales.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which works when it plays
+and plays when it works? <span class="answer">A fountain.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is divinity the easiest of the three
+learned professions? <span class="answer">Because it is easier
+to preach than to practice.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are sailors bad horsemen? <span class="answer">Because
+they ride on the main (mane).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a
+common? <span class="answer">Because it goes round the waste
+(waist).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a thief like a knocker? <span class="answer">Because
+they are tied up to prevent disturbance.</span></p>
+
+<p>What's the difference between a bee and
+a donkey? <span class="answer">One gets all the honey, and the
+other all the whacks (wax).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? <span class="answer">Because
+it's often under arms.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are cripples and beggars similar to
+shepherds and fishermen? <span class="answer">Because they
+live by hook and by crook.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which has four legs and flies
+in the air? <span class="answer">Two canary birds.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the only pain of which every one
+makes light? <span class="answer">A window pane.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a smith a dangerous companion?
+<span class="answer">Because he deals in forgery.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why are coals like poor laboring men?
+<span class="answer">Because they feed the great.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is an honest friend like orange chips?
+<span class="answer">Because he's candid.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a peach-stone like a regiment?
+<span class="answer">Because it has a colonel (kernel).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl?
+<span class="answer">Because it is best when full.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the principal part of a horse?
+<span class="answer">The mane (main) part.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a candle like an atheist? <span class="answer">Because
+it's wicked.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a dog like a tree? <span class="answer">Because they
+both produce a bark.</span></p>
+
+<p>What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's
+helmet? <span class="answer">A cask (casque).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it no offense to conspire in the
+evening? <span class="answer">What is treasonable is reasonable
+after <em>t</em>.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a corpse like a man with a cold?
+<span class="answer">Because he is in a-coughing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze?
+<span class="answer">Because he's at a stand.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What part of a fish is like the end of a
+book? <span class="answer">The fin-is.</span></p>
+
+<p>What language should a linguist end
+with? <span class="answer">The Finnish.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual
+people? <span class="answer">Brilliancy.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a butcher
+and a flirt? <span class="answer">One kills to dress, the other
+dresses to kill.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is marriage with a deceased wife's
+sister like the wedding of two fish? <span class="answer">Because
+it's a-finny-tie (affinity).</span></p>
+
+<p>A man bought two fishes, but on taking
+them home found he had three; how was
+this? <span class="answer">He had two&mdash;and one smelt.</span></p>
+
+<p>If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five
+dollars, what would a ton of coal come to?
+<span class="answer">To ashes.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied
+of all mechanics? <span class="answer">Because he's always on
+the strike for wages.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is selling off bankrupt goods like
+preparing a dish of soup? <span class="answer">Because it is a
+liquidation of stock.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a wide-awake so called? <span class="answer">Because
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span>
+it never had a nap, and never wants
+one.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a young
+lady and a wide-awake hat? <span class="answer">One has feeling,
+the other is felt.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is worse than raining cats and
+dogs? <span class="answer">Hailing street cars.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the oldest lunatic on record?
+<span class="answer">Time out of mind.</span></p>
+
+<p>How can you make one pound of green
+tea go as far as five pounds of black? <span class="answer">Buy
+the above quantities in Boston, and send
+them down to New York.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a
+dangerous carriage to drive in? <span class="answer">Because
+the cabman always drives over your head.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is whispering in company like a
+forged bank note? <span class="answer">Because it is uttered
+but not allowed.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which constellation resembles an empty
+fireplace? <span class="answer">The Great Bear.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the last remedy for a smoky
+chimney? <span class="answer">Putting the fire out.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a clever wit like a chemist? <span class="answer">Because
+he has many a good retort.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent
+lover? <span class="answer">Because his is unremitting affection.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the difference between a spendthrift
+and a feather bed? <span class="answer">One is hard up
+and the other soft down.</span></p>
+
+<p>What comes after cheese? <span class="answer">Mouse.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like
+a diplomat arguing his policy? <span class="answer">Because
+each has a well-defined end in view.</span></p>
+
+<p>When may a man be said to breakfast before
+he gets up? <span class="answer">When he takes a roll in
+bed.</span></p>
+
+<p>When are volunteers not volunteers?
+<span class="answer">When they are mustered (mustard).</span></p>
+
+<p>Which is the merriest sauce? <span class="answer">Caper
+sauce.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs
+like a high hill? <span class="answer">Because she's a-mounting
+(a mountain).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child?
+<span class="answer">Because it never does write (right) by itself.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are wooden ships, as compared with
+ironclads, of the female sex? <span class="answer">Because they
+are the weaker vessels.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>At what time of life may a man be said
+to belong to the vegetable kingdom? <span class="answer">When
+long experience has made him sage.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a sailor not a sailor? <span class="answer">When he
+is aloft.</span></p>
+
+<p>What wild animals may be correctly shut
+up in one enclosure? <span class="answer">Twelve ounces in one
+pound.</span></p>
+
+<p>What makes a pair of boots? <span class="answer">Two
+boots.</span></p>
+
+<p>What tree is of the greatest importance in
+history? <span class="answer">The date.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the superintendent of a children's
+play-ground like a stranded vessel? <span class="answer">Because
+he runs a-ground.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad
+like a hunted bear in the mountains?
+<span class="answer">Because he makes tracks for his life.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the engineer of a train like an
+aėronaut? <span class="answer">Because he frequently slows
+down.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is it impossible that there should be
+a best horse on a race course? <span class="answer">Because
+there is always a bettor.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When may a ship be said to be in love?
+<span class="answer">When she wishes for a mate.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which has never been felt,
+seen, or heard,&mdash;never existed, and still has
+a name? <span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a congreve-box without matches
+superior to all other boxes? <span class="answer">Because it is
+matchless.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a postman in danger of losing his
+way? <span class="answer">Because he is guided by the directions
+of strangers.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which comes with a coach,
+goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach,
+and yet the coach cannot go without it?
+<span class="answer">Noise.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a missionary like a pig roasting
+on a spit? <span class="answer">Because he goes around doing
+good.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are hogs more intelligent than humans?
+<span class="answer">Because they nose (knows) everything.</span></p>
+
+<p>What makes a pet dog wag his tail when
+he sees his master? <span class="answer">Because he's got one to
+wag.</span></p>
+
+<p>What other edifice does a man sometimes
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span>
+carry about with him besides a sty in his
+eye? <span class="answer">A castle in the (h)air.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a fast young man nearest heaven?
+<span class="answer">When on a lark.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork?
+<span class="answer">When it's smoked.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a man most likely to get floored
+(flawed)? <span class="answer">When he's up late (a plate),
+and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.</span></p>
+
+<p>What are the features of the cannon?
+<span class="answer">Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who always sits with his hat on before
+the queen? <span class="answer">Her coachman.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a
+house on fire? <span class="answer">Because the sooner it is put
+out the better.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a river not a river? <span class="answer">When it is
+eye water (high water).</span></p>
+
+<p>What trade never turns to the left? <span class="answer">A
+wheelwright.</span></p>
+
+<p>What trade is more than full? <span class="answer">Fuller.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is electricity like the police when
+they are wanted? <span class="answer">Because it is an invisible
+force.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is a borough like a ship? <span class="answer">When it
+is under canvass.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are guns like trees? <span class="answer">People plant
+them and they shoot.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does a boy look if you hurt him?
+<span class="answer">It makes him yell O! (yellow).</span></p>
+
+<p>What part of your ear would be the most
+essential for a martial band? <span class="answer">The drum.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that stands aloft, and regulates
+our daily movements, yet feels no interest in
+our concerns; directs us when to go, and
+when to come; yet cares not whether we attend
+or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate,
+often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on,
+and we feel no resentment when the reproof
+is given? <span class="answer">A clock.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the dove a very cautious little
+dear? <span class="answer">Because he minds his peas and coos.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a baby like a breakfast cup?
+<span class="answer">When it's a tea thing (teething).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a chicken served to a minister like
+a theological student? <span class="answer">Because it is about
+to enter the ministry.</span></p>
+
+<p>What animal keeps the best time? <span class="answer">A
+watch dog.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek?
+<span class="answer">When it is a little pale (pail).</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a nose not a nose? <span class="answer">When it is a
+little reddish (radish).</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of a face does the auctioneer
+like best? <span class="answer">One that is for-bidding.</span></p>
+
+<p>When is a straight field not a straight
+field? <span class="answer">When it is a rye field (a wry).</span></p>
+
+<p>What is it that walks with its head downward?
+<span class="answer">A nail in a shoe.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are the hours from one to twelve
+like good Christians? <span class="answer">Because they are always
+on the watch.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a hen walking across the road like
+a conspiracy? <span class="answer">Because it is a foul proceeding.</span></p>
+
+<p>What sort of sympathy would you rather
+be without? <span class="answer">You don't want to be pitted
+by the small-pox.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which we often return but
+never borrow? <span class="answer">Thanks.</span></p>
+
+<p>What animals are always seen at a funeral?
+<span class="answer">Black kids.</span></p>
+
+<p>What did the pistol ball say to the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span>
+wounded duelist? <span class="answer">"I hope I give satisfaction."</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is horse racing a necessity? <span class="answer">Because
+it is a matter of course.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a young lady who refuses you?
+<span class="answer">Two no-ing by half.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a note of hand like a rosebud?
+<span class="answer">Because it is matured by falling due
+(dew).</span></p>
+
+<p>What games do the waves play at? <span class="answer">At
+pitch and toss.</span></p>
+
+<p>What fish is most valued by a loving wife?
+<span class="answer">Her-ring.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping
+her boy? <span class="answer">Because it's a hiding of the
+son (sun).</span></p>
+
+<p>When does a man's hair resemble a packing
+box? <span class="answer">When it stands on end.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a woman who tries to drive a
+balky horse like a successful actress? <span class="answer">Because
+she's the leading lady.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial
+disposition? <span class="answer">Because he offers a horn
+to every one he meets.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>When is silence likely to get wet? <span class="answer">When
+it reigns.</span></p>
+
+<p>How do you make a Maltese cross? <span class="answer">Pull
+its tail.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is a waste (waist) of time? <span class="answer">The
+middle of an hour glass.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is the most popular preacher?
+Jack in the pulpit. Why? <span class="answer">Because he is
+silent.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a muddy road a guardian of the
+public safety? <span class="answer">Because it reduces the speed
+of autos.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why does a student never lead a sedentary
+life? <span class="answer">Because he's always pursuing his
+studies.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are bishops like superannuated
+washerwomen? <span class="answer">Because they wear lawn
+dresses (were laundresses).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why can no clergyman have a wooden
+leg? <span class="answer">Because, although a chaplain may be
+a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un
+(layman).</span></p>
+
+<p>If thirty-two degrees is freezing point,
+what is squeezing point? <span class="answer">Two in the shade.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which becomes too young the
+longer it exists? <span class="answer">A portrait.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is that which we often catch yet
+never see? <span class="answer">A passing remark.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the geometrical form of an escaped
+parrot? <span class="answer">A polygon (polly gone).</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a lamp like a house? <span class="answer">Because it
+has a chimney.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is the wall going to decay? <span class="answer">Because
+you can see its molding.</span></p>
+
+<p>How does a tipsy man generally look?
+<span class="answer">Dizzy-pated.</span></p>
+
+<p>At what age should a man marry? <span class="answer">At
+the parsonage.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a committee of inquiry like a
+cannon? <span class="answer">It makes a report.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most popular paper at a summer
+resort? <span class="answer">Flypaper.</span></p>
+
+<p>What coat is finished without buttons and
+put on wet? <span class="answer">A coat of paint.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why do you think that a judge of the
+criminal court is looked upon with contempt?
+<span class="answer">Because every day the worst of
+scoundrels are set before him.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>Why is a book like a king? <span class="answer">It has many
+pages.</span></p>
+
+<p>What roof never keeps out the wet? <span class="answer">The
+roof of the mouth.</span></p>
+
+<p>What fruit is on a cent? <span class="answer">A date.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are good women like ivy? <span class="answer">Because
+the greater the ruin, the closer they cling.</span></p>
+
+<p>Why are bad women like ivy? <span class="answer">Because
+the closer they cling the greater the ruin.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>Echoes</h3>
+
+<p>What must be done to conduct a newspaper
+right? <span class="answer">Write.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is necessary to a farmer to assist
+him? <span class="answer">System.</span></p>
+
+<p>What would give a blind man the greatest
+delight? <span class="answer">Light.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the best advice to give a justice
+of the peace? <span class="answer">Peace.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who commit the greatest abominations?
+<span class="answer">Nations.</span></p>
+
+<p>Who is the greatest terrifier? <span class="answer">Fire.</span></p>
+
+<p>What made the tart tart? <span class="answer">Because she
+didn't want the baker to bake her.</span></p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="chapbreak" />
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></div>
+<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X<br />
+<span class="smcap">Charades, Stories, and Contests</span></h2>
+
+
+<div>
+My first makes company,<br />
+My second shuns company,<br />
+My third assembles company,<br />
+My whole puzzles company.
+<p class="answer">Co-nun-drum.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>My first is a reflection, my second not so
+much, and my whole none at all. <span class="answer">Thoughtless.</span></p>
+
+<p>I lived upon my own substance and died
+when I had devoured myself. <span class="answer">A candle.</span></p>
+
+<p>I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but
+a tick. <span class="answer">A clock.</span></p>
+
+<p>You can hang me on the wall, but if you
+take me down, you cannot hang me up again.
+<span class="answer">Wall paper.</span></p>
+
+<p>In my first my second sat, my third and
+fourth I ate. <span class="answer">In-sat-i-ate.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p>
+
+<div>
+May my first never be lost in my second,<br />
+To prevent me from enjoying my whole.
+<p class="answer">Friendship.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>My first I do, and my second&mdash;when I
+say you are my whole&mdash;I do not. <span class="answer">Love-lie
+(Lovely).</span></p>
+
+<p>My first is a prop, my second also is a
+prop, and my whole is a prop as well. <span class="answer">Footstool.</span></p>
+
+<p>Wipe my face, and I'm everybody;
+scratch my back, and I'm nobody. <span class="answer">A mirror.</span></p>
+
+<p>By well employing my second you will
+never regret my first, and you will the more
+thoroughly enjoy my whole. <span class="answer">Past-time.</span></p>
+
+<p>When you stole my first, I lost my second,
+and you are the only person to give me my
+whole. <span class="answer">Hearts-ease.</span></p>
+
+<div>Why is the emblem of America more lasting
+than that of France, England, Ireland,
+or Scotland?
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza answer" style="margin:0 auto 1em">
+<span class="i0">The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The rose from its stem may sever;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Shamrock and thistle may pass away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But the stars shall shine for ever.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></div>
+
+<table class="center" summary="">
+<tr><td>Read</td><td>see</td><td>that</td><td>me</td><td>but</td><td>not</td><td>my</td><td>got</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Up</td><td>shall</td><td>I</td><td>love</td><td>if</td><td>me</td><td>love</td><td>for-</td></tr>
+<tr><td>And</td><td>you</td><td>love</td><td>you</td><td>that</td><td>love</td><td>for</td><td>be</td></tr>
+<tr><td>Down</td><td>and</td><td>you</td><td>if</td><td>you</td><td>do</td><td>you</td><td>shall</td></tr>
+</table>
+<p class="answer">Read up and down and you shall see.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Can you tell me why<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A hypocrite's eye<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Can better descry<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Than you or I<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On how many toes<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A pussy-cat goes?<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza answer" style="margin-top:.4em">
+<span class="i0">A man of deceit<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Can best count-er-feit;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so, I suppose,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Can best count her toes.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<div><p style="margin-bottom:.4em">My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;<br />
+My second is made into cakes and a bun;<br />
+My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;<br /></p>
+<p style="margin-top:.4em">My whole we have frequently been led to
+believe by many authors of the United
+States is very often indeed called one.
+<span class="answer">Mat-ry(e)-money.</span></p></div>
+
+<p>Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span>
+conundrum? <span class="answer">Because he's averse to
+matrimony.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">By equal division, I know I am right;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<table class="xiii answer" summary="">
+<tr><td></td><td class="viii">V</td><td class="viii">III</td><td></td></tr>
+<tr><td>XIII,&nbsp;</td><td>&#923;</td><td>III</td><td>,&nbsp;VIII</td></tr>
+</table>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I came to a field and couldn't get through it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So I went to school and learned how to do it.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Fence.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Legs have I got, but seldom walk,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I backbite all, yet never talk.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">A flea.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But those who are in, entirely are out of it.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Sane; insane.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Formed long ago, yet made to-day,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">I'm most employed while others sleep;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What none would like to give away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Yet no one likes to keep.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Bed.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My first of anything is half,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">My second is complete;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And so remains until once more<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">My first and second meet.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Semi-circle.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who is that highly favored man,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who, though he has married many a wife,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">May still live single all his life?<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">A clergyman.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Great numbers do our use despise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">But yet, at last they find,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without our help in many things,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">They might as well be blind.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Spectacles.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My love for you will never know<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">My first, nor yet my second;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Tis like your wit and beauty, so<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">My whole 'twill aye be reckoned.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">End-less.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">As I was going through a field of wheat,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I found something good to eat;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I kept it till it ran alone.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">An egg.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">There's a word composed of three letters alone<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Which reads backwards and forwards the same,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And to beauty lays principal claim.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Eye.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We travel much, yet pris'ners are,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">And close confined to boot;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We with the swiftest horse keep pace,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Yet always go on foot.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">A pair of spurs.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My first doth affliction denote,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Which my second is destined to feel;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But my whole is the sure antidote<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">That affliction to soothe and to heal.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Wo-man.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Pains.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Your initials begin with an A,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You've an A at the end of your name,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The whole of your name is an A,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And it's backwards and forwards the same.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Anna.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ever running on my race,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Never staying at one place,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Through the world I make my tour,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Everywhere at the same hour.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If you please to spell my name,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Reversed or forward it's the same.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Noon.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">You name me once, and I am famed<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">For deeds of noble daring;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You name me twice, and I am found<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">In savage customs sharing.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Tar-tar.</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>What is that which lives in winter, dies
+in summer, and grows with its root upwards?
+<span class="answer">An icicle.</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Liquor-ice (licorice).</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">From a number that's odd cut off the head,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">It then will even be.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Its tail, I pray, next take away,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Your mother then you'll see.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Seven&mdash;even&mdash;Eve.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">My first is of illustrious line,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of beauteous form and face divine;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Which when my second does assail,
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Both form and beauty then do fail;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">My whole an arduous task to do<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Man-age.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A stranger comes from foreign shores,<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Perchance to seek relief;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Curtail him, and you find his tale<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">Unworthy of belief;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Curtailed again, you recognize<br /></span>
+<span class="i1">An old Egyptian chief.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Alien&mdash;a lie&mdash;Ali.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Ere Adam was, my early days began;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I ape each creature, and resemble man;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor leave the least impression where I pass;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">You'll quickly find me out by candlelight.<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">Shadow.</p>
+</div>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!<br /></span>
+</div>
+<p class="answer">The letter "H."</p>
+</div>
+
+
+<h3>Stories</h3>
+
+<p>How do you punctuate the sentence, "I
+saw a five-dollar bill on the street?" <span class="answer">Make
+a dash after it.</span></p>
+
+<p>There was a carpenter who made a cupboard
+door; it proved too big. He cut it,
+and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he
+thereupon cut it again, and made it fit beautifully.
+How was this? <span class="answer">He did not cut it
+enough the first time.</span></p>
+
+<p>There are twelve birds in a covey. A
+hunter kills a brace, then how many remain?
+<span class="answer">None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly
+away.</span></p>
+
+<p>A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he
+could see more with one eye than his friend
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span>
+could with two. How was this? <span class="answer">Because
+he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other
+only saw his one.</span></p>
+
+<p>A hunter and his dog went out hunting.
+The dog went not behind, went not before,
+nor on one side of him. Where did he go?
+<span class="answer">On the other side.</span></p>
+
+<p>Which would you rather&mdash;look a greater
+fool than you are, or be a greater fool than
+you look? <span class="answer">(Let the person choose, then
+say, "That is impossible.")</span></p>
+
+<p>Which would you rather&mdash;that a lion ate
+you or a tiger? <span class="answer">Why, you would rather
+that the lion ate the tiger, of course.</span></p>
+
+<p>A man stopped before the window of a
+trunk store; within, a large trunk was
+marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one
+"$15.00," and a small one bore the placard,
+"This size for $5.00." "So do I," the
+man said, and walked on.</p>
+
+<p>A man was crossing a bridge over a small
+stream, and noticed a sign which read,
+"Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked,
+and walked on.
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<h3>Age Contest</h3>
+
+<p>What age will people reach if they live
+long enough? <span class="answer">Dotage.</span></p>
+
+<p>To what age do most people look forward?
+<span class="answer">Marriage.</span></p>
+
+<p>A necessary attribute of a soldier?
+<span class="answer">Courage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is required at sea? <span class="answer">Tonnage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age are we forbidden to worship?
+<span class="answer">Image.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age do people get stuck on?
+<span class="answer">Mucilage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is neither more nor less?
+<span class="answer">Average.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the age of profanity? <span class="answer">Damage.</span></p>
+
+<p>At what age will vessels ride safely?
+<span class="answer">Anchorage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age does the infant in arms pass
+through? <span class="answer">Crib-bage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age does the small boy enjoy?
+<span class="answer">Sauce-age (sausage).</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is the young lady most interested
+in? <span class="answer">Garb-age.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What age does the child in primary school
+dislike? <span class="answer">Ad(d)-age.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age does the bride desire? <span class="answer"> Dotage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is necessary for a clergyman?
+<span class="answer">Parsonage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the age of communication?
+<span class="answer">Postage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is most important to travelers?
+<span class="answer">Mileage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the age of slavery? <span class="answer">Bondage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is served for breakfast? <span class="answer">Sausage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the most indigestible age?
+<span class="answer">Cabbage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age signifies the farmer? <span class="answer">Tillage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age belongs to travelers? <span class="answer">Baggage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is an indication of wealth?
+<span class="answer">Acreage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age do milliners delight in? <span class="answer">Plumage.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age is shared by a doctor and a
+lawyer? <span class="answer">Patronage.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What age is used in turkey stuffing?
+<span class="answer">(S)age.</span></p>
+
+<p>What age do a number of people enjoy
+in common? <span class="answer">Village.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>Ant Contest</h3>
+
+<p>What is the oldest ant? <span class="answer">Adam-ant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant hires his home? <span class="answer">Tenant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is joyful? <span class="answer">Jubilant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is learned? <span class="answer">Savant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is well informed? <span class="answer">Conversant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is trustworthy? <span class="answer">Confidant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is proud? <span class="answer">Arrogant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant sees things? <span class="answer">Observant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is angry? <span class="answer">Indignant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant tells things? <span class="answer">Informant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is successful? <span class="answer">Triumphant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is an officer? <span class="answer">Commandant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is a beggar? <span class="answer">Mendicant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is obstinate? <span class="answer">Defiant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is youngest? <span class="answer">Infant.</span>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p>
+
+<p>What is the ruling ant? <span class="answer">Dominant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What is the wandering ant? <span class="answer">Errant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant lives in a house? <span class="answer">Occupant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant points out things? <span class="answer">Significant.</span></p>
+
+<p>What ant is prayerful? <span class="answer">Supplicant.</span></p>
+
+
+<h3>City Contest</h3>
+
+<p>What city is for few people? <span class="answer">Scarcity.</span></p>
+
+<ul>
+<li>Happy people? <span class="answer">Felicity.</span></li>
+<li>Hypocrites? <span class="answer">Duplicity.</span></li>
+<li>Chauffeurs? <span class="answer">Velocity.</span></li>
+<li>Truthful people? <span class="answer">Veracity.</span></li>
+<li>Athletes? <span class="answer">Elasticity.</span></li>
+<li>Greedy people? <span class="answer">Voracity.</span></li>
+<li>Wild beasts? <span class="answer">Ferocity.</span></li>
+<li>Home lovers? <span class="answer">Domesticity.</span></li>
+<li>Actors? <span class="answer">Publicity.</span></li>
+<li>Reporters? <span class="answer">Audacity.</span></li>
+<li>Wise people? <span class="answer">Sagacity.</span></li>
+<li>Hungry people? <span class="answer">Capacity.</span></li>
+<li><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span>
+    Telegraph operators? <span class="answer">Electricity.</span></li>
+<li>Crowds? <span class="answer">Multiplicity.</span></li>
+<li>Nations? <span class="answer">Reciprocity.</span></li>
+<li>Old people? <span class="answer">Eccentricity.</span></li>
+<li>Beggars? <span class="answer">Mendicity.</span></li>
+<li>Unhappy people? <span class="answer">Infelicity.</span></li>
+<li>Office-seekers? <span class="answer">Pertinacity.</span></li>
+</ul>
+
+
+<p class="theend">THE END</p>
+
+
+<div class="trnote">
+<h2><a name="trcorrections" id="trcorrections"></a>Transcriber's corrections</h2>
+<ul>
+<li><a href="#TC_1">p. xi</a>: In the early half of the seventeenth[seventeeth] century</li>
+<li><a href="#TC_2">p. 7</a>: An oculist[occulist] is an excellent sleight-of-hand</li>
+<li><a href="#TC_3">p. 35</a>: Because he discovered[dicovered] a whole New World.</li>
+<li><a href="#TC_4">p. 45</a>: What is the most difficult[diffcult] river on which to</li>
+<li><a href="#TC_5">p. 88</a>: Why is a rooster on a fence[fency] like a penny?</li>
+<li><a href="#TC_6">p. 99</a>: What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer[Rain-dear].</li>
+</ul>
+</div>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: The Handbook of Conundrums
+
+Author: Edith B. Ordway
+
+Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed
+Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was
+produced from images generously made available by The
+Internet Archive)
+
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's note: The symbol _ (underscore) has generally been used
+to indicate italics. However, when only partial words have been
+italicized this has instead been indicated using capital letters.
+
+
+
+
+ THE HANDBOOK
+ OF
+ CONUNDRUMS
+
+ BY
+
+ EDITH B. ORDWAY
+
+ Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and
+ "Synonyms and Antonyms."
+
+ NEW YORK
+
+ GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
+
+
+
+
+ Copyright, 1914, by
+ SULLY and KLEINTEICH
+
+ Copyright, 1915, by
+ SULLY and KLEINTEICH
+
+ All rights reserved
+
+ PRINTED IN U. S. A.
+
+
+
+
+PREFACE
+
+
+This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits.
+It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of
+broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the
+best steel of fancy.
+
+Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of
+remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for
+the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn.
+There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface.
+
+Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to
+cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that
+between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit
+of laughter only and the wit of insight.
+
+                                                         E. B. O.
+
+
+
+
+INTRODUCTION
+
+
+A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to
+which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint
+expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated
+riddle and the impromptu pun.
+
+With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of
+likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was
+carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting
+into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is
+the logical product.
+
+The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be
+witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds
+have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an
+impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to
+fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for
+thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course.
+
+The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and,
+while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote,
+is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of
+wit which enlighten and cheer.
+
+The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect
+in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess
+riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of
+this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very
+high,--often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a
+contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of
+the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in
+competition with the god Odin.
+
+So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves
+herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles.
+Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played
+with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked
+on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from
+death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle.
+
+The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and
+this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher
+intelligence which makes for wisdom.
+
+Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the
+strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which
+the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the
+Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out
+of the strong came forth sweetness."
+
+Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of
+wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in
+his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that
+Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more
+ready with them than with repartees."
+
+The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek
+mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the
+body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon
+a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to
+all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but
+killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and
+their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city.
+Oedipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had
+shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the
+city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him
+the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet,
+at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Oedipus replied,
+"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks
+erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx
+thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans
+made Oedipus king.
+
+ [1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art"
+ (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).
+
+There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and
+Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with
+vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we
+caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept."
+
+Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs
+the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?"
+The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave
+no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and
+legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The
+voice."
+
+The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in
+"The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were
+written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern
+sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some
+of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.
+
+In the early half of the seventeenth century there were published
+several small books, which contain the sources of many of the
+conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together
+by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books"
+(London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630,
+1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and
+approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle
+is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these
+books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a
+considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright
+sayings of the day.
+
+The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English
+Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of
+these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to
+discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is
+notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn
+de Worde in 1511, namely:
+
+  "_Demaund._ How many straws go to a goose's nest?
+
+  "_A._ None, for lack of feet.
+
+Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through
+the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in
+different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and
+conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The
+following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful
+young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The
+ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the
+class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having
+requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled
+by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn"
+(_Vicissim_, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled.
+
+When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court
+Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little
+Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the
+Archbishop.
+
+Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many
+changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An
+example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum
+as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5:
+
+  _Clown._ Good madonna, why mournest thou?
+
+  _Olivia._ Good fool, for my brother's death.
+
+  _Clown._ I think his soul is in hell, madonna.
+
+  _Olivia._ I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
+
+  _Clown._ The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul
+  being in heaven.
+
+While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of
+the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked
+pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names
+of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at
+once judges and prisoners at the bar.
+
+Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis
+of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any
+subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the
+King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder.
+
+The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and
+the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He
+was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion,
+not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the
+inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown":
+"They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell."
+
+A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the
+best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of
+equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide.
+
+Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form
+of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he
+could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man
+under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied
+Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship."
+
+The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury
+Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined
+at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be
+"very sharp set."
+
+The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in
+regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to
+expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the
+stile (style)."
+
+From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum,
+which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a
+general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly
+constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by
+negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new
+analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile
+in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to
+historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and
+places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the
+humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten.
+
+There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a
+period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than
+anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period,
+or those that center around a great event, would make most
+illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often
+more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have
+been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians,
+said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of
+Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of
+posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as
+from that of the contemporary chroniclers.
+
+John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one
+of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the
+forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the
+dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the
+publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had
+many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt
+that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe
+assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations
+of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make
+increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author
+here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as
+well as from the unpublished current wit of the day.
+
+
+
+
+CONTENTS
+
+
+  INTRODUCTION                                        7
+
+  Chapter                                          Page
+
+     I. EARLY ENGLISH WIT                             1
+
+    II. MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS                      18
+
+   III. BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS                          20
+
+    IV. HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS                        30
+
+     V. CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD           38
+
+    VI. GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS                      44
+
+   VII. LITERARY CONUNDRUMS                          52
+
+  VIII. CONUNDRUMS OF THE ALPHABET                   60
+
+    IX. GENERAL CONUNDRUMS                           73
+
+     X. CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS             183
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER I
+
+EARLY ENGLISH WIT
+
+
+In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter,
+the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present
+day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is
+adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he
+answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply.
+
+A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to
+keep his lawyer warm.
+
+"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep
+the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the
+defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might
+perhaps fall together by the ears."
+
+A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The
+servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows
+than such hard words.
+
+What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost
+every book?[2]
+
+ [2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches,
+ Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind,
+ and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's
+ plays were written by _Mr. Preface_ or _Mr. Finis_.
+
+A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go
+handsome in their clothes.
+
+An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as
+Dutchmen do cheese.
+
+It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are
+mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but
+action."
+
+A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon
+tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body.
+
+One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found
+him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still.
+
+A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put
+away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study."
+
+It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of
+handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either
+of them shall die a beggar."
+
+Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because
+the first woman was made of a crooked thing.
+
+One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least
+was to be chosen."
+
+A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his
+profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of
+Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of
+mad men, and he would give it to them again.
+
+The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is
+"nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets
+his living."
+
+"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had
+founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know
+that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders
+(co-founders) of that hospital you speak of."
+
+It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by
+the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it.
+
+A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked
+that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends.
+
+Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted
+with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a
+deeper knowledge of it than any others.
+
+"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he
+be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending."
+
+"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun,
+for he hath always many irons in the fire."
+
+The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it
+the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit,"
+embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool."
+
+Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than
+other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have
+extraordinary reach.
+
+Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at
+rest.
+
+It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to
+learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help
+themselves.
+
+Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their
+business without a rule.
+
+A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do
+with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or
+anything else.
+
+Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims
+it; if ill, the earth covers it.
+
+A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part
+them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and
+wife."
+
+Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would
+never be stifled with fire and smoke.
+
+Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do
+anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring).
+
+Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never
+think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to
+their vices.
+
+It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never
+says anything that he can stand to.
+
+"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will,
+though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are
+still stable men."
+
+A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates
+him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems
+what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he
+truly is.
+
+Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as
+content in rags as in robes.
+
+"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate
+upon their backs.
+
+An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he
+undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient
+shall see he does it.
+
+He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before
+he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a
+pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on.
+
+Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are
+always employed in mending soles.
+
+A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the
+reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could
+not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth.
+
+A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her
+spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended
+herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great
+cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way
+home reeling.
+
+An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under
+his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For,"
+he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all
+the sextons in the town."
+
+A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from
+which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion
+laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a
+stone swim.
+
+One who had received a threat that another would break his head with
+a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a
+stone."
+
+A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who
+had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the
+sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to
+visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more.
+
+The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to
+hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as
+well as any man."
+
+A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the
+proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was
+for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the
+gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had
+promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his
+promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt.
+
+"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a
+farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a
+great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth
+anything at all."
+
+A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what
+business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great
+importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am
+afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider.
+"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand."
+
+Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill
+or bond? I O U.
+
+Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are
+now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the
+masculine and feminine gender should agree at all."
+
+A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and
+came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the
+peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?"
+"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had
+lost your senses, that you talk so idly."
+
+One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of
+St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are
+these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir,"
+said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."
+
+A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown
+paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown
+study.
+
+"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the
+soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are
+sure to be beaten."
+
+Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C.
+
+How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long.
+
+Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a
+silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over
+that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the
+matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it,
+yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.
+
+One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the
+name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long
+grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than
+that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves
+that he had made.
+
+A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was
+ever after called "Master W."
+
+One was wondering why the people of AEthiopia did not write straight
+along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote
+under the line, and that was the reason of it.
+
+A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that
+he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which
+he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way
+to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill
+could never dye well.
+
+What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme.
+
+An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble
+enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness
+when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an
+apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.
+
+What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a
+playhouse? A box.
+
+One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the
+streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It
+was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly
+meet with a watch as with anything else.
+
+One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's
+clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told
+him that they could not live by making short hand of anything.
+
+A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the
+ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him
+the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great
+fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides."
+
+The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that
+prated betwixt two that spoke several languages.
+
+A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and
+called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none,
+and that the man in the Moon always drank claret.
+
+A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that
+country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the
+river, for it came without calling.
+
+A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to
+London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came
+furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at
+the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground,
+exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up
+the stones, and let the dogs loose!"
+
+A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah,
+if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or
+else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank
+your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to
+be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you."
+
+A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by
+his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied.
+"Do you not see that I am becalmed?"
+
+Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I
+answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied
+that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted
+for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing.
+
+(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the
+purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following
+conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they
+were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen.
+
+Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat
+body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise.
+
+Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest.
+
+One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which
+is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him
+why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so
+near heaven again.
+
+What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the
+devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.)
+
+Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air.
+
+What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary.
+
+Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit
+faults with license.
+
+Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are
+lunatic. (This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by
+Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.)
+
+It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were
+not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the
+reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year."
+
+One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays"
+(1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little
+or no waste in a whole suit."
+
+The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the
+study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal.
+
+A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse
+toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at
+full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the
+way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you,
+if he were as wild as the devil.'
+
+    "This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,
+    And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx,
+    But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3]
+    To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."
+
+     [3] Sufficient.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER II
+
+MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages.
+
+How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read
+of his struggles with the tight-uns (Titans).
+
+What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).
+
+Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a
+goddess? Because she's a second floorer (Flora).
+
+Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune?
+Because he's a sea-king (a-seeking) what never was.
+
+If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really
+haven't an ocean (a notion).
+
+If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river,
+what classical name might she mention? You row, pa (Europa).
+
+Why is Orpheus always in bad company? Because you never see him
+without a lyre.
+
+If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the Bay of Salamis, what would he
+have been when he came out? A dripping Pan.
+
+What did Io die of? Io-dide of potassium.
+
+When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on
+without his club.
+
+What girl does Echo think can best answer questions? Ann, sir.
+
+Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his
+swim) only.
+
+Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it is
+always drawn with the drag-on.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER III
+
+BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve,
+which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam."
+
+At what time of day was Adam born? A little before Eve.
+
+Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no
+Eve.
+
+How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice
+(Paradise) was taken away from them.
+
+What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the
+expulsion? Adamantine (Adam ain't in).
+
+Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife.
+
+At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.
+
+What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.
+
+Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.
+
+Who was first interested in horse racing? Adam--he was the father of
+the race.
+
+How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam,
+too, and the devil won,--eleven in all.
+
+What one word will name the common parent of both beasts and man?
+A-dam.
+
+What was the first surgical operation performed without the aid of
+instruments? The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made into a wife.
+
+Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife?
+Because she was cut out especially for him.
+
+How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden? Put out.
+
+Why were the gates of Eden shut after Adam and Eve went out? To keep
+the dam(p) air out.
+
+What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.
+
+Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em).
+
+For what was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.
+
+What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot.
+
+Who first introduced walking-sticks? Eve gave Adam a little Cain.
+
+What kind of cottages did Adam's sons prefer? Cottages with eaves
+(Eves).
+
+Was our mother Eve High or Low Church? Adam thought her
+Eve-angelical.
+
+What did Adam and Eve do when they got out of Eden? Raised Cain.
+
+Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Because it had a pair-in (paring).
+
+When was the first gambling? When Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise
+(pair o' dice) for an apple.
+
+When did fruit first begin to swear? When the apple damned the first
+pair.
+
+Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam--he was first in the
+human race.
+
+How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was able (Abel).
+
+Why was Cain's murder like the main strength of his leg? Because it
+was a sin-new.
+
+How can a whipping be ordered for a boy in five Old Testament names?
+Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel.
+
+Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it
+springs a knowledge of good and evil.
+
+What was four weeks old when Cain was born, and is not yet five? The
+moon.
+
+Who first introduced salt pork into the Navy? Noah, when he took Ham
+into the ark.
+
+Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although
+the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (Hierarch).
+
+In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him?
+In the ark.
+
+Which animal took most luggage into the ark, and which the least? The
+elephant, who had his trunk; while the fox and the cock had only a
+brush and a comb between them.
+
+Who was the greatest financier of early times? Noah,--he floated his
+stock when all the world was in liquidation.
+
+Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.
+
+What was Noah busy about in the ark? Preserving pairs.
+
+Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Archives.
+
+How do we know that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo
+went in with hops, and the bear was always _Bruin_.
+
+What did the cat say when she looked out of the window of the ark? Is
+that Ararat?
+
+In what order did Noah come from the ark? He came forth.
+
+When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his
+forefathers.
+
+Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit? They thought that it
+was a good opening for the young man.
+
+Where is the theater mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph left the
+family circle and went into the pit.
+
+Who had the first free entrance into a theater? Joseph, when he got
+into the pit for nothing.
+
+What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died--and
+a part of whose shroud is on every dining table? Lot's wife.
+
+What did Lot do when his wife turned to salt? Got a fresh one.
+
+What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, reminds us of a
+gladiatorial show at Rome? The bulrushes.
+
+Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all
+the Ten Commandments at once.
+
+Where are bank checks mentioned in the Bible? Pharaoh got a check on
+the bank of the Red Sea--crossed by Moses and Co.
+
+Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she drew a little
+prophet from the rushes on the bank.
+
+What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses? He found him more plague
+than prophet.
+
+How do we know that there was a panic in the early days of Moses?
+Because there were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and Pharaoh's
+daughter withdrew a valuable deposit.
+
+Why do we assume that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen
+with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.
+
+If you were to throw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it
+become? Wet.
+
+Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible? The
+Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth.
+
+What is the difference between the ancient Israelites and modern
+washstands? The former had hewers of wood and drawers of water; the
+latter have ewers of water and drawers of wood.
+
+Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because
+of the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
+
+How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his
+followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), and when
+Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, all but-ter (but her)
+went into the desert.
+
+Who was the oldest man that ever lived, yet who died before his
+father did? Methuselah: his father Enoch did not die, but was
+translated.
+
+If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name
+would that animal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, Dick).
+
+What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun.
+
+Who took the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua
+countermanded the Sun.
+
+Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him
+with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before.
+
+How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty
+stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty.
+
+What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouth?
+Agag.
+
+What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? The one was
+king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.
+
+Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor.
+
+Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? Absalom.
+
+In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic.
+
+Why would Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so
+easily bring down the house.
+
+Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday like Nebuchadnezzar in his
+debased condition? Because it was my tumbler (might humbler).
+
+What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in
+Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer.
+
+Who was the first unfortunate speculator? Jonah, because he got taken
+in.
+
+What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and
+Jonah? The whale got all the prophet.
+
+Why was the whale which swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has
+retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet)
+out of the water.
+
+How did Jonah feel when the whale was going to swallow him? Down in
+the mouth--as if he was going to blubber.
+
+What divine law did the whale obey when he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was
+a stranger and he took him in.
+
+Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up.
+
+Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from the modern theologians?
+Because while he disagreed with the whale, they disagree about him.
+
+Why was John the Baptist like a penny? Because he was one cent
+(sent).
+
+Who won the first horse race in the Bible? Herodias' daughter when
+she got a head of John the Baptist on a charger.
+
+When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? When he comes out of
+some area (Samaria).
+
+Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The
+widow's mite, and the wicked flee.
+
+Why is a good wife like the devil? While the husbandman sleepeth, she
+seweth (soweth) tears (tares).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IV
+
+HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest.
+What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King
+of England.
+
+When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his
+subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign.
+
+Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither
+lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet.
+
+What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call
+his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!"
+(Mameluke).
+
+What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles
+(Themistocles).
+
+Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Caesar? The
+miserable Cinna (sinner).
+
+What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar?
+One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.
+
+Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas
+Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.
+
+Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great
+composers of modern times.
+
+Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough
+out of him.
+
+The name of what character in history would a person mention in
+asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up
+the grate).
+
+Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did
+was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the
+volunteers intend doing.
+
+Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the
+empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.
+
+When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine,
+and where? He took a chop at the King's Head.
+
+Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation?
+Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop.
+
+Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every
+man had one kilt before the battle began.
+
+Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known?
+Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed)
+like one of these.
+
+What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early
+Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).
+
+If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages,
+why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an
+M. P. raw (emperor).
+
+Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan?
+Because it is incomplete without a Handel.
+
+When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).
+
+What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a
+crown.
+
+In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as
+different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the
+other by knights.
+
+Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the
+first man who entered it.
+
+Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought
+it a good opening for a young man.
+
+What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and
+we (the English) one (won).
+
+What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers?
+The battle of Assay(e).
+
+Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history
+of England? Chap. I.
+
+Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phoenicia
+to Greece.
+
+Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his
+fortieth year.
+
+What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O
+(Scipio).
+
+Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris?
+Just as he left the rain (reign) was over.
+
+Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because
+the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar).
+
+If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial
+name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).
+
+Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it
+was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.
+
+Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be
+execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and
+they are wretchedly slow.
+
+Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats
+of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got
+reverses.
+
+Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a
+Solon (sole on).
+
+Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among
+explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World.
+
+What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of
+the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other
+used to put a cask (casque) on his head.
+
+What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G
+(effigy)?
+
+How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because
+England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs.
+
+What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One
+was a WONder, the other a TUdor.
+
+What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory.
+
+It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The
+letter "m."
+
+Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers).
+
+Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best
+card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs;
+workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of
+losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.
+
+Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did
+not agree with him.
+
+When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved
+the Pope's bull.
+
+Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was
+able to make out his policy.
+
+What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the
+fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were
+Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses.
+
+What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of
+A-gin-court.
+
+What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her).
+
+What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans.
+
+What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck.
+
+What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name
+and--hang him.
+
+Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it
+gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old
+World and the New? The former was discovered by _Columba_, who
+started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.
+
+What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman?
+One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.
+
+Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George
+Washington, for he was the father of his country.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER V
+
+CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD
+
+
+Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in
+one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other
+Washington was bound to defend the army.
+
+Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the
+seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it
+breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A.
+Lincoln) to history.
+
+Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United
+States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).
+
+Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter?
+Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which
+an unusual amount of interest is attached.
+
+Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers?
+Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their
+return.
+
+Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he
+governs by Can(n)on Law.
+
+Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it
+will not dissolve.
+
+Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers'
+vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears).
+
+Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the
+product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed.
+
+Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put?
+Beaure-guard.
+
+Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for
+ladies? Because they are colors that won't run.
+
+Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city
+employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping
+the streets.
+
+In what relation does the President of the United States stand to
+Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).
+
+Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our
+Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone.
+
+Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse
+to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much
+"cheek" already.
+
+Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is
+the author of "Great Expectations."
+
+Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are
+for privateers (private ears).
+
+Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L.
+
+Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge.
+
+Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because
+he looks to Seward (seaward).
+
+How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to
+_enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States.
+
+Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by
+deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors.
+
+Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's
+mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it.
+
+Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any
+other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of
+secession and the end of Jeff Davis.
+
+Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of
+regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be
+receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard).
+
+Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end.
+
+Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other
+State? Because she has sent even her Banks.
+
+Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before
+Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in
+strong for the Union.
+
+Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern
+Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede).
+
+Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she
+has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.
+
+What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy
+and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan).
+
+What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the
+enemy.
+
+Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated.
+
+Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters.
+
+Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles.
+
+What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India?
+The season which brings the monsoon.
+
+How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because
+she gives her countenance to it.
+
+Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston?
+Because they are well hooped.
+
+How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet.
+
+Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not
+even passable.
+
+Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it
+rains hard.
+
+Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled
+bosoms.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VI
+
+GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey
+upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the
+destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece.
+
+What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames--between
+Chel-sea and Batter-sea.
+
+When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye)
+water.
+
+Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In
+Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in
+England, on the Thames, there are lighter men.
+
+What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork.
+
+What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly,
+Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira.
+
+Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The
+state of matrimony.
+
+Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a
+port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her).
+
+How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to
+Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
+
+Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land
+(whole island).
+
+If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference
+in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along.
+
+Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are
+two-tonics (Teutonics).
+
+What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno,
+because there Arno boats there.
+
+Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is
+born to blubber,--and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking with his
+snows frozen.
+
+Why was the country of Phoenicia like an automobile? Because it had a
+Tyre on its border.
+
+Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she
+is ever surrounded by Paris-ites.
+
+What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry
+attic).
+
+How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make an Englishman run?
+Ten-dons.
+
+What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a
+Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold,
+and the other cold with the kilt.
+
+What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run
+the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very
+naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate).
+
+Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What
+nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian
+(a-rushing); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a
+Pole.
+
+When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes
+from Dover to _Deal_.
+
+How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York?
+One, if it was long enough.
+
+What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to
+Cowes.
+
+Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece
+(grease) at the bottom.
+
+Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland?
+Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast).
+
+What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse-sack
+(Cossack).
+
+Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical
+Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not
+(Juggernaut).
+
+Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany?
+Because he is always on a Spree.
+
+What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of
+despair? Tar-tar-us.
+
+Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To
+gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland).
+
+Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman
+going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of
+the crater.
+
+What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead.
+
+Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through
+which he goes.
+
+For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an
+Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse
+together? To prevent their using bad language.
+
+Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always
+Dublin (doubling).
+
+What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? S X (Essex).
+
+Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease
+(Greece).
+
+Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in?
+Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to
+Chusan).
+
+What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the
+difference in the world.
+
+What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the
+hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).
+
+Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the
+great (grate) lie there.
+
+Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears
+which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see.
+
+Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like?
+The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).
+
+Why may we doubt the existence of the Giants' Causeway? There are so
+many sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of them.
+
+What is the difference between a certain part of Africa and the shade
+of Hamlet's father stalking in winter? One is the Gold Coast, the
+other the cold ghost.
+
+Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an internal transport.
+
+Why is New York City like a flash light? It has a Battery.
+
+When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray.
+
+Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is an India gent (indigent).
+
+Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the sole
+(soul) of it.
+
+What is a man like who is in the middle of the Thames and can't swim?
+Like to be drowned.
+
+Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for
+tows (toes).
+
+Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only for very old gentlemen?
+Because it is a see-Nile (senile) thing to do.
+
+What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Castile).
+
+Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? Because it often changes
+its notes.
+
+Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United
+States.
+
+Who were the original bog-trotters? The Fen-ians.
+
+Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Because it is often driven
+into Deal.
+
+Why is Paris like the letter F? Because it is the capital of France.
+
+Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often
+passed over.
+
+Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but
+one coach in China (Cochin China).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VII
+
+LITERARY CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+What American poet may be considered equal to three-fifths of the
+poets ancient and modern? Poe.
+
+The names of which two Greek poems will you mention on alluding to
+their author's peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's Odd-I-see
+and Ill-I-add.
+
+Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' son, Achilles? Because
+both have "sent many souls to Hades ere their time."
+
+What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's "Seasons" do to young
+Palemon? She pulled his ears and trod on his corns.
+
+If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention?
+Chaw-sir (Chaucer).
+
+Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two celebrated musicians, said
+one was Tweedledum, the other only Tweedledee? If so, state which of
+these two names was the more difficult to write. Tweedledum, because
+he wrote the other with more e's (ease).
+
+Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson Crusoe's island was
+uninhabited? Because the very first thing he saw upon landing was a
+great swell a pitchin' into a little "cove" on the shore.
+
+What prescription is the best for a poet? A composing draught.
+
+Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because his
+tale (tail) comes out of his head.
+
+Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired of novel-writing than Warren?
+Because Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren only "Now and Then."
+
+What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if
+they could only speak? Eusebius (you see by us).
+
+Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last work? Because it's a cereal
+(serial) work.
+
+When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden
+("Enoch Arden").
+
+How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept
+his choler (collar) down.
+
+How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the
+earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.
+
+What was the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he
+could "recite" his poems, but not re-sight himself.
+
+Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because if the ancient Scandinavians
+had their "Skalds," we have also had our Burns.
+
+What English poet does a mummy resemble? Dryden (dried-'un).
+
+What lady of the Dante family is most often spoken of? Ann-dante.
+
+Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? Because "Death loves a
+shining mark."
+
+What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? "The Bridge of
+Sighs" (the bridge of size).
+
+Why was Dickens a greater writer than Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote
+well, but Dickens wrote Weller.
+
+What proof have we that Cowper was in debt? He "oh'd for a lodge in
+some vast wilderness."
+
+Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?"
+Because he thought he was a good feller (fellow).
+
+Why are the relics of the departed like a man whose pocket has been
+robbed and the thief escaped? Because they have both felt "the touch
+of a vanished hand."
+
+When is a pie like a poet? When it's Browning.
+
+What best describes and most impedes a Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan
+(bunion).
+
+Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? Because in them we see
+the "Spectator."
+
+Was Othello thinking of his wife when he killed her? No, 's mother.
+
+What toe would you rather kiss than the Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe.
+
+Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The
+wind,--"Over the Hills and Far Away."
+
+Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? Dickens. He wrote "All the Year
+Round," while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning."
+
+What countryman was Burns? A Scorchman.
+
+What change of identity did the "Beggar's Opera" effect? It made Gay
+rich, and Rich gay.
+
+When was the greatest destruction of poultry? When King Claudius of
+Denmark "did murder most foul."
+
+Why are the abbreviations of degrees tacked on to a man's name? To
+show that he is a man of letters.
+
+"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love like a potato?" Because it
+shoots from the eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by pairing."
+
+If Falstaff had been musical what instrument would he have chosen
+after dinner? The sackbut.
+
+Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no
+man has furnished so many stock quotations.
+
+Why is a statistician like a writer of one of the Six Best Sellers?
+Because he is the author of well-figured fiction.
+
+Why are Parliamentary reports called "Blue Books?" Because they are
+never re(a)d.
+
+Why is an architect like a newspaper writer? Because he gets so much
+"per column" for his work.
+
+Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common
+tatur (commentator).
+
+Is there any bird which can recite the "Lays of Ancient Rome?" Yes,
+certainly, Macaw-lays.
+
+Why cannot the Irish perform the play of "Hamlet?" Because they
+cannot help making "Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine.
+
+What was Othello's occupation in Venice? That of a lawyer, because he
+was attorney-general (a tawny general).
+
+If you took off your boot and put your foot in the fire, what opera
+of Verdi's would it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe).
+
+Why are unsuccessful contestants for a prize like Shakespeare?
+Because they have made "Much Ado About Nothing."
+
+What is the difference between living "in marble halls" and aboard
+ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in
+the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side.
+
+Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' later plots should be
+complicated? Because one of his earlier works was all of a twist
+(Oliver Twist).
+
+Why have the inhabitants of the city of Boston less need of foreign
+bards than those of any other city? Because they can always find
+poetry in their own "Holmes."
+
+Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone set in jet? Because he is
+deep read (red) in Blackstone.
+
+
+NAMES OF AUTHORS
+
+A slang expression. Dickens.
+
+A brighter and a smarter one. Whittier.
+
+Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a well-beloved poet you'll
+see. Bryant.
+
+It comes from a pig. Bacon.
+
+II. Mark Twain.
+
+A ten-footer whose name begins with fifty. Longfellow.
+
+Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long ago. Spencer.
+
+What is an oyster heap likely to become? Shelley.
+
+It is worn on the head. Hood.
+
+A worker in precious metals. Goldsmith.
+
+What is the value of a word? Wordsworth.
+
+A domestic animal. Lamb.
+
+He mends and repairs. Cooper.
+
+Many people would like to kiss him. Pope.
+
+It pertains to a monastery. Abbott.
+
+A domestic servant. Cook.
+
+Which is the better playwright, William Shakespeare or Brinsley
+Sheridan? Willis.
+
+Part of a fish. Finley.
+
+What the children delight in at the seashore. Sands.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER VIII
+
+CONUNDRUMS ON THE ALPHABET
+
+
+What word is it of only three syllables which combines in it
+twenty-six letters? Alphabet.
+
+Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of
+letters? Disproportionableness.
+
+What is the best bet ever made? The alphabet.
+
+When were there only two vowels? In the days of No-a, before U and I
+were born.
+
+When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U
+and I are one.
+
+Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet? Because it is always in
+fun.
+
+Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet? Because it is next to
+you.
+
+Which are the two hottest letters in the alphabet? K N (cayenne).
+
+Why is O the most charitable letter in the alphabet? Because it is
+found oftener than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d.
+
+Why is the letter T like matrimony? It is the end of quiet and the
+beginning of trouble.
+
+Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? It converts oats into
+goats.
+
+When was B the first letter of the alphabet? In the days of No-a.
+
+What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it.
+
+Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a "B" follows it.
+
+Why is the letter W like a scandal? Because it makes ill will.
+
+Why are two t's like hops? Because they make beer better.
+
+Spell enemy in three letters. No, not N M E; it's F O E.
+
+Spell auburn locks in two letters. S and Y.
+
+Spell brandy in three letters. B R and Y, and O D V.
+
+What must you add to nine to make it six? S, for IX with S is six.
+
+If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner, which letters could not
+accept your kind invitation till later in the evening? The last six,
+as they couldn't come till after T.
+
+How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything
+that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n.
+
+What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a
+thousand years? The letter M.
+
+Why is A like twelve o'clock? Because it's the middle of day.
+
+Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first
+in pity, he is ever last in help.
+
+Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? Because it's near O (Nero).
+
+Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? Because it will make an eel
+feel.
+
+What letter is that which is invisible, but never out of sight? I.
+
+How would you express in two letters that you were twice the bulk of
+your companion? I W (I double you).
+
+What two Christian names read the same both ways? Hannah and Anna.
+
+Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first U in cucumber? Because it's
+between two seas (c's).
+
+What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same?
+Oroonoko.
+
+Why is O the noisiest of all vowels? Because you cannot make a horrid
+loud noise without it, whilst all the others are inAUdIblE.
+
+What word contains the five vowels in their order? Facetious.
+
+Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the center
+of bliss, whilst E is in hEll, and all the others are in pUrgAtOry.
+
+What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess
+infinite sagacity? Wise (y's).
+
+Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. Too wise you are, two wise you
+be; I see you are too wise for me.
+
+What are those things, which, though they appear twice in every day,
+and twice in every week, yet are only seen twice in a year? Vowels.
+
+What letter in the alphabet is necessary to make a shoe? The last.
+
+What word of six letters admits of five successive elisions,
+leaving at each abbreviation a well-known word?
+Brandy--brand--bran--ran--an--a.
+
+Name two English words, one of which, being of one syllable only,
+shall contain more letters than the other of five syllables?
+Strength--Ideality.
+
+Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off
+at a gallop? Because he can make a D-canter.
+
+What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without
+transposing a letter? Herein--he--her--here--ere--rein--in.
+
+Is there a word in the English language which contains all the
+vowels? Yes, unquestionably.
+
+Why is quizzing like the letter D on horseback? It is deriding (D
+riding).
+
+When did "Chicago" begin with a "C" and end with an "e"? Chicago
+always began with a "C" and end always began with an "e."
+
+There is an English word of more than two letters, of which la is the
+middle, is the beginning, and is the end, though there is but one "a"
+and one "l" in the word. What is it? Island, of which "la" is the
+middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the end.
+
+What word is there of five letters, that, by taking two away, leaves
+but one? Stone.
+
+What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a
+word of two syllables? Plague; ague.
+
+Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though
+never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.
+
+Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more
+importance than the others? Because we cannot get ON well without
+them.
+
+Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.
+
+What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n.
+
+Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis).
+
+What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? XPDNC
+(expediency).
+
+What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal?
+Synonymous (Sin on a mouse).
+
+Why is an island like the letter T? Because it is in the midst of
+water (wa-t-er).
+
+Like what four letters of the alphabet is a honey-producing insect
+when in small health? Like A B C D (a bee seedy).
+
+Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles
+needless.
+
+Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? Because it is devoid of
+e's (ease).
+
+What two letters do boys delight in to the annoyance of their elders?
+Two t's (to tease).
+
+What single word would you put down for $40 borrowed from you? XL
+lent (excellent).
+
+What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes
+her hear.
+
+What word is it, which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own
+opposite? United, untied.
+
+Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men
+mean.
+
+Why is a schoolmistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses
+into classes.
+
+Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in
+waiting.
+
+Spell an interrogation with one letter. Y (why?).
+
+Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both
+in earth and water.
+
+Why is the nose on your face like the v in civility? Because it's
+between two eyes (i's).
+
+Take away one letter from me, and like Macbeth I murder; take away
+two, and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me.
+Kill-ill-skill.
+
+There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five
+letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be
+conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the
+whole word shows what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine.
+
+What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title?
+A Dutch-S.
+
+Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? Because we can't be wed
+without it.
+
+Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it is the end of pork.
+
+How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G, pig without an I.
+
+Why is a horse like the letter O? Because Gee makes it Go.
+
+Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? It is nothing without its tail.
+
+When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled generosity? When it
+enables a lady to make over a lover.
+
+Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? It is the end of beef.
+
+Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters? C D (seedy).
+
+Make five less by adding to it. V, IV.
+
+Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends
+in sauciness.
+
+What small animal is turned into a larger one by beheading it?
+Fox--ox.
+
+Why are sidewalks in winter like music? If you don't C sharp, you
+will B flat.
+
+Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? Because she's never
+inconsolable.
+
+What two letters express the most agreeable people in the world? U
+and I.
+
+How does the letter Y work an impossibility? It makes a lad into a
+lady.
+
+Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal will be transposed into a
+point. Add X to ape, and you obtain apex.
+
+Why is the letter N like a pig? Because it makes a sty nasty.
+
+Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? When I get to C U (see you) I
+forget everything else.
+
+Why is the letter B like a fire? Because it makes oil boil.
+
+Why is the letter R a profitable letter? Because it makes ice into
+rice.
+
+Why is the letter T like Easter? Because it's the last of Lent.
+
+When does a blacksmith make a row in the alphabet? When he makes a
+poke-R and shove-L.
+
+What did the old woman say when she looked into the empty flour
+barrel? O I C U R M T.
+
+Why did Noah object to the letter D? Because it made the ark dark.
+
+Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s in both.
+
+What are the worst letters of recommendation? I O U.
+
+Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea).
+
+If I were in the sun and you out of it, what would the sun become?
+Sin.
+
+I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I frequently stand upon one
+leg; if you behead me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate me I
+stand upon four. I shall think you are related to me if you do not
+now recognize me. Glass--lass--ass.
+
+    Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, Wye, Dee.
+    Three letters an ode give to fame. L E G (elegy).
+    Three letters an attribute name. N R G (energy).
+    Three letters a compliment claim. U X L (You excel).
+
+    The beginning of eternity,
+    The end of time and space,
+    The beginning of every end,
+    The end of every race. Letter E.
+
+    One letter's a tree? U (yew).
+    One means to agree? A (aye).
+    One is to drink? T (tea).
+    One a bird, think? J (jay).
+
+    Now of letters that rhyme
+    You must guess them in time;
+    One is an insect busy all day? B (bee).
+    One is a river that wends on its way? D (Dee).
+    One is a slang word it is best not to say? G (Gee).
+    These two letters are not at all hard? E Z (easy).
+    These letters form a literary composition? S A (essay).
+    These letters will decompose? D K (decay).
+    These letters form a material to wear? P K (pique).
+    These letters do the best of all? X L (excel).
+    These letters form a tree? L M (elm).
+    The meaning of these letters is not full? M T (empty).
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER IX
+
+GENERAL CONUNDRUMS
+
+
+Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled,
+then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family.
+
+What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have
+pistils.
+
+What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing.
+
+Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it?
+He is bedridden.
+
+What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring.
+
+Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly.
+
+What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one
+harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's."
+
+When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving.
+
+Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is
+surrounded by felloes (fellows).
+
+Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad
+brim.
+
+Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow.
+
+What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.
+
+When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.
+
+What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper?
+One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.
+
+Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.
+
+What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of
+bank-notes.
+
+Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
+filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
+behind to settle.
+
+Why is English grammar like gout? Because it's torture (taught yer).
+
+Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an
+invalid? Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).
+
+Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Because he polishes the
+understandings of his patrons.
+
+Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a
+room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).
+
+Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they
+are always for-getting everything.
+
+What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get,
+one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing
+the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune.
+
+When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.
+
+Why is a joint company not like a watch? Because it does not go after
+it is wound up.
+
+When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
+up in himself.
+
+What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and
+chops about.
+
+Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a
+living.
+
+Why do British soldiers never run away? Because they belong to the
+standing army.
+
+What part of a car resembles a person? The wheel, because it is
+tired.
+
+On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside.
+
+When may a chair be said to dislike you? When it can't bear you.
+
+What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing? The
+scissors.
+
+Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their
+existence is only in-fancy.
+
+Why is a proud girl like a music book? She is full of airs.
+
+Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not at all black
+(not a tall black).
+
+Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they
+make a noise whenever they are told (tolled).
+
+Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing
+satisfies him.
+
+Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? They ought to be
+taken up.
+
+Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us? We call them to
+take us in.
+
+Why are weary people like carriage wheels? Because they are tired.
+
+Why does a tall man eat less than a short man? Because he makes a
+little go a long way.
+
+What is the dryest subject? The mummy.
+
+When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering.
+
+Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses.
+
+How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside.
+
+What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.
+
+What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One
+irons your linen, the other steals it.
+
+When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the
+storm is over.
+
+Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to
+the Milky Way.
+
+What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner?
+One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold.
+
+Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from
+it.
+
+Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because
+it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.
+
+Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the
+last.
+
+What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is
+made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell
+only.
+
+Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a
+harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre.
+
+When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a
+well.
+
+What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour.
+
+When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his
+pa's son (parson).
+
+What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he
+is--the bigger the better? Skin him.
+
+Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other
+goes.
+
+When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the
+woods--and plains.
+
+Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull
+edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
+
+Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of
+flash language.
+
+Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by
+every post.
+
+What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent?
+One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does
+wrong.
+
+What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced.
+
+What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
+
+Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them
+the faster they go.
+
+Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on
+his stomach.
+
+When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance
+of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
+
+When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when
+folded.
+
+What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major.
+
+What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural.
+
+In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B
+Minor).
+
+Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they
+are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.
+
+What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A
+pigs-tye, of course.
+
+Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet
+full of bounce.
+
+When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts
+away with it.
+
+Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because
+it's past-your-age (pasturage).
+
+If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the
+deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.
+
+What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.
+
+Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl
+kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss).
+
+Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus
+(re-buss).
+
+Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African
+bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning."
+
+Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it
+has so many notions.
+
+Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently
+says, "Try that last run over again."
+
+What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One
+shines at the head, the other at the foot.
+
+What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement.
+
+When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes.
+
+Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he
+has too much time on his hands.
+
+When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his
+patients.
+
+Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter
+equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without
+foundations.
+
+Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always
+on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!).
+
+Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the
+greatest repeater known to history.
+
+Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid
+of the hook.
+
+Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses
+like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline.
+
+Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well
+dressed.
+
+Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are
+wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only
+made light of.
+
+How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.
+
+Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it
+we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it.
+
+Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often
+looked over or over-looked.
+
+Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a
+certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus.
+
+Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress?
+Because they are opposed to the motion.
+
+Why is the aeronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a
+successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate.
+
+Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their
+energies to the conquest of the air.
+
+Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the
+State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating.
+
+Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because
+each has lost his pull.
+
+Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate.
+
+Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and
+puff.
+
+Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it
+without crackers.
+
+Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know
+how to manage the mails (males).
+
+Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of
+waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide).
+
+What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled
+lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum.
+
+Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because
+she is engaged in a kid-napping project.
+
+What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of
+it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."
+
+Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man?
+Because she husbands her resources.
+
+Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter
+how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never
+felt.
+
+When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled.
+
+Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the
+existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.
+
+Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done
+with the pen.
+
+Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want
+is carrying out.
+
+What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet
+done? Stop a minute.
+
+Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off
+its guard.
+
+Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its
+turning is the result of conviction.
+
+Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by
+conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most
+others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.
+
+Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it
+out.
+
+What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance
+to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.
+
+Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an
+auger-ill.
+
+What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are
+"week" days.
+
+What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the
+moment.
+
+Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
+airy-naught (aeronaut).
+
+Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because
+everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody.
+
+Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.
+
+Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.
+
+If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss
+the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the
+spring, unless he makes a summerset between them.
+
+What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel
+plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a
+cruise? She weighs anchor.
+
+Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close
+(clothes) of the week.
+
+When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one.
+
+Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings
+his own (k)nell.
+
+What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone.
+
+Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder?
+Because both submit to a forced sail.
+
+Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one
+side and tail's on the other.
+
+What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters.
+
+Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs
+to catch soft water when it rains hard.
+
+What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it.
+
+Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches
+the age of discretion.
+
+Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible
+means of support.
+
+What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The
+one makes facsimiles, the other sick families.
+
+Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands
+over four feet.
+
+Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That
+the people may not try to drown their losses.
+
+What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone.
+
+What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and
+yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave.
+
+Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked
+automobile? They've both got flat tire.
+
+Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up
+his plot.
+
+Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he
+immediately removes his weeds.
+
+Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately
+determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall
+from his eyes.
+
+How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by
+executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up.
+
+How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the
+faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the
+orderly obeys orders from headquarters.
+
+What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank.
+
+Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you
+a-light.
+
+Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social
+reprobate? Because he's too fast.
+
+Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a
+matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.
+
+What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it
+has a mile between its first and last letters.
+
+Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of
+feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound
+troy.
+
+What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
+impression.
+
+Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and
+twice eleven is twenty-two (too).
+
+Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better
+than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.
+
+That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which
+every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice.
+
+When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.
+
+When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.
+
+What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp
+lighter.
+
+Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles
+in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much.
+
+When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a
+just judge? Because you hear both sides.
+
+What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and
+sentimentally the untied.
+
+Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be
+prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a
+will.
+
+How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres.
+
+Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's
+been operated on.
+
+Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the
+washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye.
+
+Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman? Because he's
+up and coming.
+
+Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups
+and downs.
+
+What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row.
+
+What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more
+gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.
+
+Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because
+everybody's crazy about him.
+
+Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are
+promissory notes.
+
+When are words musical? When they have a ring to them.
+
+When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking.
+
+Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because
+of the frequency of whirlwinds there.
+
+Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always
+looking for new stars.
+
+Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of
+an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom.
+
+When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare.
+
+When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly.
+
+When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick.
+
+When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler.
+
+When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of
+knots.
+
+What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never
+sleeps in it? A river.
+
+Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade?
+Because you would get bad habits from him.
+
+What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his
+ropes, the other pitches his tent.
+
+Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood.
+
+What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
+
+Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the
+art of healing (heeling).
+
+What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen.
+
+When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under
+consideration.
+
+Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his
+sovereign.
+
+When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew.
+
+What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News.
+
+When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed.
+
+What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune.
+
+What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead.
+
+Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent
+wherever it goes.
+
+What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.
+
+What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate.
+
+When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail).
+
+Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting
+stars.
+
+What garden crop would save draining? Leeks.
+
+When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs.
+
+When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed.
+
+Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a
+great deal bored.
+
+When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound.
+
+What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her
+own flag.
+
+What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had
+better be sewn (sown).
+
+Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that
+the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the
+potatoes and make them self-irrigating.
+
+Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because
+no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal.
+
+What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The
+multiplication table.
+
+Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?
+Six dozen dozen, of course.
+
+What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A
+hole.
+
+If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke?
+A bee-attitude.
+
+Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any
+post.
+
+Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor
+Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if
+necessary.
+
+Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the
+morning, and mist at night.
+
+Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one
+side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.
+
+And what do they do when they die? Lie still.
+
+When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.
+
+What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will
+for the deed.
+
+Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes
+it hollow.
+
+When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.
+
+What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence.
+
+Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because
+neither is felt.
+
+Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you
+in sunshine.
+
+Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the
+scenter.
+
+If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he
+say? "I have no i-dea."
+
+When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases.
+
+Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'.
+
+Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a
+_grain_.
+
+What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer.
+
+Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting
+on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there.
+
+What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises
+from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_.
+
+In what color should friendship be kept? In violet.
+
+What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the
+vilest? A lyre.
+
+How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run.
+
+Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is
+full of notions.
+
+Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on
+swimmingly.
+
+Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's
+add-mir'd.
+
+Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the
+communion.
+
+Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests.
+
+Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as
+the company does.
+
+Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies.
+
+Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you.
+
+Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes
+moving signs.
+
+Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their
+youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get
+fleeced at last.
+
+Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_
+go a great way.
+
+Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never
+starved? Because he's never without a bit.
+
+Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed
+before his master.
+
+Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good
+many achers.
+
+Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored.
+
+Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the
+ball.
+
+Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore.
+
+Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds
+the stock in (stocking).
+
+Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd.
+
+Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered.
+
+Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does
+it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes
+him flatter.
+
+Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful
+young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).
+
+Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed
+it soon goes.
+
+What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.
+
+When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.
+
+Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea
+creatur') of great sighs (size).
+
+How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.:
+Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total,
+sixteen.
+
+Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags.
+
+Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never
+be Imp o' Light.
+
+Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman.
+
+Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people
+steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right).
+
+What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty.
+
+What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on,
+and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing.
+
+Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from
+going too far.
+
+Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth.
+
+At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it
+strikes one.
+
+Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay
+wherever you put her.
+
+Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you
+never know the value of either until they are put under ground.
+
+What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you
+many good points.
+
+What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A
+catalogue.
+
+Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails
+(males) are tied up in bags.
+
+What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand
+affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a
+swell affair.
+
+Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).
+
+What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often
+a man and often a woman? A toast.
+
+How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming
+eggs-aspirated (exasperated).
+
+On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside.
+
+Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a
+cabbage? Because his heart's in his head.
+
+Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is
+ready to give any man a lift.
+
+Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please.
+
+Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you.
+
+Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a
+vial in.
+
+Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his
+bill.
+
+When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he
+wears a heavy beard and a mustache.
+
+Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of
+abstraction.
+
+Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because
+it can never be-long to him.
+
+Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals?
+Because he is the querist.
+
+What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears
+shoes, but never had any shoes? A football.
+
+Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are
+numbered.
+
+What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music.
+
+Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat
+is in tents (intense).
+
+Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten.
+
+Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick.
+
+Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder
+(beholder).
+
+Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are
+stationary (stationery).
+
+Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair).
+
+Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a
+cup.
+
+Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled
+(told).
+
+What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters.
+
+How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears
+an entire costume; the other simply pants.
+
+What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If
+you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it
+takes all the swell out of him.
+
+If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be
+reminded of? A pair (pear).
+
+Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and
+destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients).
+
+When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a
+piano for-tea (forte).
+
+What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and
+the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his
+play.
+
+Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer
+(pill for her).
+
+Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done
+quacking.
+
+Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs,
+certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from
+egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives).
+
+Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly
+done.
+
+What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a cock-robin.
+
+Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their
+next world in this (necks twirled).
+
+By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid
+(Adelaide).
+
+Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always
+have a comb about them.
+
+Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing.
+
+What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty,
+the other tidy.
+
+Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep
+into the earth.
+
+Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological
+works? Because it was virgin on something serious.
+
+When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what
+bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her
+behalf.
+
+What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One
+teaches Miss, the other misteaches.
+
+When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When
+giving a swimming lesson.
+
+What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up.
+
+What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at
+Court? Influence-sir.
+
+Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring?
+Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep).
+
+Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door
+(adore).
+
+What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers?
+The doorknocker.
+
+Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always
+wood (would)--or should be.
+
+Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.
+
+When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy
+for a pupil.
+
+How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their
+"presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it.
+
+What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.
+
+What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and
+civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.
+
+Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a
+tail and the dog-star hasn't.
+
+Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is
+let out at night and taken in in the morning.
+
+Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he
+makes both ends meet.
+
+When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound.
+
+Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking
+those that are dun before you begin.
+
+Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple?
+Because though they are two, yet are they one (won).
+
+Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of
+clay.
+
+Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite
+vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato).
+
+Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing
+there.
+
+Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y
+presentation.
+
+Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit
+of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends
+church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary.
+
+If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would
+embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?).
+
+Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because
+she reels and spins.
+
+In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down?
+In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not
+setters.
+
+What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what
+other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it,
+and for the swallow, of course.
+
+Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have
+married more women than they can support, and would like to marry
+more.
+
+In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the
+law and profits (prophets).
+
+What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon.
+
+Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he
+is _above_ doing a mean action.
+
+"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and
+never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear
+(deer) departed.
+
+What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one
+if she lives long enough.
+
+What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It is a vain (vane)
+thing to a-spire."
+
+What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same?
+The postman.
+
+Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young
+clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy.
+
+Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very
+virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander
+(propaganda).
+
+Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually
+selling that which he kneads himself.
+
+Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him.
+
+Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east
+makes everything rise.
+
+What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons?
+Their being too long.
+
+What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some.
+
+Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because
+when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller).
+
+What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One
+clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par.
+
+Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight.
+
+When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice.
+
+Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup.
+
+What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater.
+
+When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the
+leaves.
+
+Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_
+of their own.
+
+Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind.
+
+Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the
+heavens for centuries.
+
+What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road.
+
+What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain?
+One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air.
+
+Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress.
+
+How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been
+to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full.
+
+Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if
+you catch it.
+
+Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann
+Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth.
+
+How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By
+proposing to Bridge-it.
+
+Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an
+application.
+
+Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he
+would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.
+
+State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because
+he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the
+face.
+
+Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly
+squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass.
+
+When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in
+it).
+
+Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose).
+
+When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the
+currants.
+
+Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the
+chaps off.
+
+Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they
+keep the sparks off.
+
+In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned
+curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry).
+
+Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry?
+Because they have a gall on a bier between them.
+
+What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day.
+
+Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both
+occasioned the fall of man.
+
+On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates,
+soles, an' (h)eels.
+
+In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In
+polly-silly-bills.
+
+Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons
+for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram.
+
+What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey.
+
+Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet.
+
+Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel.
+
+Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts.
+
+What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel.
+
+Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a
+dinner.
+
+What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts.
+
+When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When
+there is not a _single_ person in it.
+
+Of what trade is the sun? A tanner.
+
+When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a
+man-of-war.
+
+When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate.
+
+When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer.
+
+When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy.
+
+When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy
+swell.
+
+When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore.
+
+When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little
+cove.
+
+When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow.
+
+Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants
+legs.
+
+Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on
+ropes and poles, and thrives.
+
+If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against?
+Against his inclination.
+
+Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's
+farthest from the bark.
+
+Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins
+by breaking.
+
+What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see
+again? Yesterday.
+
+What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day.
+
+What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence
+of body.
+
+Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure
+to be run over by carriages and automobiles.
+
+Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful
+as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be
+very ancient.
+
+What is the superlative of temper? Tempest.
+
+On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.
+
+What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn.
+
+What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as
+soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.
+
+If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly.
+
+Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you
+never see two of them together.
+
+Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit.
+
+Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting
+from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out?
+Out of the hole.
+
+What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist?
+One uses wax candles and the other dips.
+
+Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as
+stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).
+
+What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters?
+Daylight.
+
+Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much
+water.
+
+Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an
+oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread.
+
+Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket.
+
+What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and
+waistcoat first.
+
+What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids.
+
+With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves.
+
+Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the
+course that they take, but not the source whence they spring.
+
+When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart
+(sweetheart).
+
+Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of
+mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than
+getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than
+nothing.
+
+At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of
+his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives).
+
+Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because
+there are always so many people picking pockets there.
+
+When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide.
+
+Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would.
+
+Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied
+until their works are "hung on the line."
+
+Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler?
+Because he is no better (bettor).
+
+Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you
+pass through.
+
+Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will
+then have his leg at ease (legatees).
+
+What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose?
+A bald head.
+
+Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late
+(scintillate).
+
+Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they
+die late (dilate).
+
+A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what
+you do in everything--excel (XL)."
+
+Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because,
+though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect
+on you.
+
+Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley
+(valet).
+
+What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush.
+
+What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.
+
+Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and
+no end.
+
+Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's?
+Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes
+matrimony.
+
+Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what
+she seams (seems).
+
+When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When
+he has a stitch in his side.
+
+Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to
+each of them.
+
+What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer
+gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers.
+
+If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would
+she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).
+
+What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To
+get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry).
+
+How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that
+they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they
+are only miss givings (misgivings).
+
+Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long
+enough before he gets another.
+
+What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it
+was never seen before.
+
+Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his
+business makes him sell-fish.
+
+Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the
+center of gravity.
+
+What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper.
+
+Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make
+the shells burst on the kernel (colonel).
+
+Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the
+point of a tack (attack).
+
+What is the best material for kites? Flypaper.
+
+What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is
+certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led.
+
+When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it
+back-bites.
+
+What is a button? A small event that is always coming off.
+
+What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony.
+
+What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the
+earth.
+
+What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end.
+
+What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson.
+
+Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a
+_fare_ thing.
+
+Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station.
+
+What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled.
+
+What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon
+one, and stand upon the other.
+
+How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers.
+
+What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive.
+
+Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very
+often.
+
+How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the
+_Olympic_? Courtship.
+
+Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun?
+Because it is too much for a charge.
+
+When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When
+he is out under arms.
+
+When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap.
+
+Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing
+dinner."
+
+Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an
+ex-actor.
+
+Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor,
+for he is beset by the "devil."
+
+How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because
+she's taking a part (taken apart).
+
+Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters
+and reports time.
+
+Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he
+has to pay an alimony (an alley-money).
+
+Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher?
+Because her pupils are kept in the dark.
+
+Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers'
+comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket).
+
+Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because
+they both fail to become rich.
+
+Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on
+horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).
+
+Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose
+treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the
+receiver is as bad as the thief.
+
+Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at
+drawing houses.
+
+Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for
+her cheek.
+
+Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching.
+
+Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing
+better to kiss, and men have.
+
+If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss.
+
+Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists?
+Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to
+make a match with a man twice their own size any day.
+
+When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing
+it.
+
+When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without
+kissing them.
+
+How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size).
+
+When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a
+measure.
+
+Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly.
+
+Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is
+per-jury.
+
+Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the
+more they are with them.
+
+What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and
+broken? Pieces.
+
+What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after
+dinner? A different one.
+
+What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators.
+
+What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination.
+
+Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over
+sleepers.
+
+What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl.
+
+What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission.
+
+What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an
+e-lix-ir (he licks her).
+
+What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child?
+One pours with rain, the other roars with pain.
+
+What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted.
+
+What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes.
+
+What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread
+being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is
+the mother of invention."
+
+What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a
+cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes,
+and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her
+head.
+
+What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty
+daughter.
+
+Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a
+representative.
+
+Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to
+get off.
+
+When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged.
+
+Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises.
+
+Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest)
+now.
+
+Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he
+does not feel well.
+
+If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A
+little London porter.
+
+Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has
+ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk.
+
+Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken,
+and his locks are few.
+
+What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A
+cup and saucer (saw, sir!).
+
+Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper
+and the running vine.
+
+Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a
+reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring.
+
+What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other.
+
+Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no
+bigger tree (bigotry) there.
+
+Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told
+(tolled).
+
+Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend
+on their pumps.
+
+Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons.
+
+Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.
+
+What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two?
+Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion).
+
+Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet.
+
+When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts.
+
+What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often.
+
+What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands
+before its face, and runs down its own works.
+
+When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down.
+
+Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver
+till her bow comes, and can't go off without one.
+
+Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and
+defective.
+
+What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out;
+which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands.
+
+What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One
+minds his peas, the other his cues.
+
+What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The
+tongue.
+
+Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can
+shut them up without giving offense.
+
+Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a
+sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be
+sold.
+
+Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by
+auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.
+
+Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets?
+Because he has picked yours (pictures).
+
+Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but
+meer-shams.
+
+Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation
+with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary.
+
+What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.
+
+Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's
+broken.
+
+How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their
+breeches.
+
+Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle?
+Because he departs from his sphere of action.
+
+When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms.
+
+Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're
+exposed to the fire they run.
+
+When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers
+are all in quarters.
+
+Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted.
+
+What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen.
+
+Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties?
+Because hops produce great bitterness.
+
+What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas.
+
+Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons.
+
+What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your
+addresses.
+
+When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously)
+obtained.
+
+Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of
+Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would
+men should do unto them.
+
+Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because
+you un-buzz-'em (unbosom).
+
+When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to
+another.
+
+When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a
+goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt
+her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner.
+
+What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is
+killed and then cured.
+
+Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if
+you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk.
+
+Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.
+
+What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is
+for the first born, the other for the last bourn.
+
+Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain?
+Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.
+
+What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are
+ashes still.
+
+If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say?
+Tree, mend us (tremendous).
+
+When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its
+length.
+
+Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the
+ears.
+
+Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent
+singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald).
+
+Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious).
+
+What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill).
+
+When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass.
+
+What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses?
+They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without
+talking.
+
+What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not
+pay your water rates.
+
+What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims).
+
+When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it?
+When it has a hole in it.
+
+What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is
+blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black.
+
+What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments?
+The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead).
+
+Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova
+before it comes to life.
+
+When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put
+in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
+
+What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster?
+One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
+
+When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws
+(clause) into the Bill of another member.
+
+What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's
+food.
+
+Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his
+tail, otherwise his tail would wag him.
+
+Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant
+(current).
+
+When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably.
+
+When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive
+from you at the same time? A key to your feelings.
+
+Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off
+the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and
+passes over the plain.
+
+What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction.
+
+Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the
+men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.
+
+How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting
+their faces against them.
+
+Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who
+can decline Matrimony.
+
+Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark.
+
+Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.
+
+Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the
+felloes around it are tired.
+
+Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty
+to perform.
+
+What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at
+the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its
+clauses.
+
+What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows.
+
+When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round.
+
+When does the House of Representatives present one of the most
+ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its
+noes (nose) on the other.
+
+What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives?
+Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act.
+
+Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass.
+
+What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you
+lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick.
+
+Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will
+be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation.
+
+When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the
+reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the
+congregation.
+
+When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_
+husband.
+
+Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one;
+because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects
+of adoration.
+
+Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because
+it's ever-last-in' (everlasting).
+
+Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very
+good.
+
+Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon?
+He's tor'd his clothes.
+
+Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your
+pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases.
+
+Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of
+blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the
+bull rushes out.
+
+What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches
+wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe.
+
+What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a
+cupper, the other a sorcerer.
+
+What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become
+terra-pins.
+
+Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails.
+
+Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen
+through, and shut up.
+
+Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring.
+
+What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room.
+
+What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement.
+
+What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters
+the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat.
+
+Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's
+chicken-hearted.
+
+Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would
+be in fowl language.
+
+Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower
+garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture).
+
+Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them
+here (hear).
+
+What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more
+than yourself? Your name.
+
+What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet
+does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.
+
+When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped
+up in himself.
+
+What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.
+
+Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better
+tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense).
+
+What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.
+
+Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'.
+
+When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists
+(tourists).
+
+What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the
+lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of
+the larva.
+
+Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young
+lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).
+
+Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to
+sea (see).
+
+What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them.
+
+Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money.
+
+Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker
+than the mail (male) intelligence.
+
+If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose
+another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain.
+
+What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then
+to ex-POUND it.
+
+What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery.
+
+Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as
+of words.
+
+Why does a young man study law? To get on.
+
+Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor.
+
+Why does he leave the profession? To get honest.
+
+What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist
+on earth, the other is missed in heaven.
+
+Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come).
+
+Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a
+gal(l)on.
+
+How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a
+wig.
+
+Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left.
+Noise.
+
+Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always
+crossing the line, and going from pole to pole.
+
+What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence.
+
+What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody
+else? Your word.
+
+What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go
+round with the world.
+
+What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he
+takes? The snuffers.
+
+Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are
+continually passing between them.
+
+What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.
+
+Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because
+he's a Jew-ill.
+
+Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is
+lost upon him.
+
+What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A
+pack of cards.
+
+What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky
+(croquet).
+
+What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What
+does y-e-s spell?
+
+What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a
+knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).
+
+If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he
+had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale)
+unfold."
+
+What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows
+some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A
+newspaper.
+
+Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and
+reviews.
+
+What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur?
+Chin-chilly (chinchilla).
+
+Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because
+they always manage to accomplish their own ends.
+
+Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House,
+where you can get a duck for a dime.
+
+Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy
+bred (bread).
+
+What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs.
+
+When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his
+pigs? When he has a sty in his eye.
+
+What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.
+
+Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though
+the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent
+(a parent).
+
+What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft.
+
+What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare.
+
+Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew
+(blue) and the waters rose.
+
+How does a ray of light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way.
+
+What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store?
+Muslin (muzzling).
+
+When does English butter become Irish butter? When it is made into
+little _Pats_.
+
+Which is the most ancient of trees? The elder tree.
+
+Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt.
+
+Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example?
+Because they practice their professions.
+
+Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel?
+Because it is for a-tone-ment.
+
+Why is a good pun like a good cat? Because it requires pause (paws).
+
+Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? Because it makes a man's
+mouth water.
+
+Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full?
+Because it is a pitiful house.
+
+Why is a fortified town like a pudding? Because it's often batter'd.
+
+Why does a tallow chandler live better than another man? Because he
+lives on the fat of the land.
+
+Why is a water lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to
+blow.
+
+Why is a resolution like a looking glass? Because it is so easily
+broken.
+
+Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in
+either case it is a feint (faint).
+
+When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched?
+When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
+
+When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
+
+Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has
+tendrils, and then shoots.
+
+Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person
+with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never
+for-giving.
+
+Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they
+are left off'uns (orphans).
+
+What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims
+the milk, the other the water.
+
+Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no
+attention to the swells that follow her.
+
+What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose.
+
+Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you
+till it drops.
+
+Which travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can easily
+catch cold.
+
+What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed.
+
+I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.
+
+Which eat more grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are
+more of them.
+
+Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the
+game alive.
+
+What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse.
+
+In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the
+sixth? In that sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is
+Sabbath night).
+
+Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains).
+
+On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a
+house? If it became-brick (be cambric).
+
+Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't
+answer.
+
+Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil
+under the lash.
+
+Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes
+blew.
+
+When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving.
+
+Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill?
+Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser).
+
+Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's
+re-wiving.
+
+When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery?
+When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth.
+
+Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean?
+Because, although they may correspond, they never meet.
+
+What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age.
+
+State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and
+an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the
+other pounds away.
+
+Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered
+underground.
+
+When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When
+she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she
+replies, "Sure, it's ate."
+
+Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because
+you would be making game of him.
+
+Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair
+o' fins).
+
+When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is
+put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away.
+
+Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it
+becomes.
+
+What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One
+makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
+
+Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique
+(blows so bleak).
+
+What is the difference between a _premiere danseuse_ and a duck? One
+goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her
+beautiful eggs.
+
+What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a
+billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
+
+Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.
+
+When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of
+hand by refusing you.
+
+Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it
+is seldom let alone.
+
+Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down
+in the mouth.
+
+What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry).
+
+Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the
+pasty must be made of dough (doe).
+
+Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done,
+cannot be helped.
+
+Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is
+impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well.
+
+Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly
+married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize
+ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible.
+
+What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y).
+
+Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur'
+(detonator).
+
+What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash
+man ate a rasher.
+
+What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree.
+
+How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their
+trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing.
+
+What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots
+from the eye, the other from the shoulder.
+
+What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None
+at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur
+(spectator).
+
+What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye?
+One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.
+
+Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they
+are warranted to wash--and keep color.
+
+Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but
+never wanted.
+
+Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are
+accustomed to bare arms.
+
+What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the
+other heads.
+
+What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The
+difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg
+whipped to go froth.
+
+Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a
+negro-man-sir (necromancer).
+
+What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His
+tongue.
+
+What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit
+box.
+
+Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his
+own hand.
+
+Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup
+(catch up).
+
+Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not
+be too stringy.
+
+Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because
+it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one.
+
+What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel.
+
+If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to
+you? Your mother.
+
+Of what profession is every child? A player.
+
+Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no
+scruples.
+
+Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the
+full moon is as light again.
+
+Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit.
+
+When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift.
+
+What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people?
+Colum-bus.
+
+Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows
+an open countenance in the act of taking you in.
+
+When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When
+he hasn't paid for his wig.
+
+What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a
+bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the
+second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the
+fourth has a hairy parent.
+
+When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him
+nothing to take.
+
+Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener
+they come the longer they stay.
+
+Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a
+fellow feeling for another.
+
+When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm muff in.
+
+Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is
+a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail.
+
+Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come
+home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's
+always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood.
+
+What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One
+bayonets, the other nets a bay.
+
+What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet).
+
+What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One
+baits his hook, the other hates his book.
+
+What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables
+to them? Quick and short.
+
+What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man).
+
+Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
+
+What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical).
+
+What becomes every woman? A blush.
+
+Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets?
+Because they go two-two-two.
+
+What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one?
+The wedding-ring.
+
+What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it.
+
+What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt.
+
+Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a
+filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters
+behind to settle.
+
+Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills
+are all over dew (overdue).
+
+What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man
+who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the
+other is dined and sated.
+
+What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That
+recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he
+threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story.
+
+How should love come to the door? With a ring.
+
+If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he
+name? Any money (anemone).
+
+When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an
+understanding between them.
+
+Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the
+muscles.
+
+Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter
+(support her).
+
+Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good
+for nothing.
+
+What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father
+(farther).
+
+When is love deformed? When it is all on one side.
+
+Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you
+see from pole to pole.
+
+What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax.
+
+Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory.
+
+Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three
+and carries one.
+
+Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash.
+
+What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear.
+
+Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in
+water.
+
+Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green.
+
+What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it
+up.
+
+What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet
+which you often give up? A conundrum.
+
+What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's
+son? His daughter.
+
+If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is
+his grandfather.
+
+When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it.
+
+Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it
+for him.
+
+When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists.
+
+What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the
+water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head.
+
+How many peas in a pint? One.
+
+When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard.
+
+How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means.
+
+Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his
+calves there.
+
+Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a
+cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).
+
+What is it that every man overlooks? His nose.
+
+Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because
+they have eyes to see what they are doing.
+
+What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull?
+"Blow the horns!"
+
+Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but
+only what comes between them.
+
+What have feet and walk not? Stoves.
+
+What have eyes and see not? Potatoes.
+
+What have noses but smell not? Teapots.
+
+What have hands but work not? Clocks.
+
+What have mouths but eat not? Rivers.
+
+What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks.
+
+What have tongues but talk not? Wagons.
+
+Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us.
+
+What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow.
+
+What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste.
+
+Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great
+pull.
+
+If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the
+quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose.
+
+If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the
+table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks
+round.
+
+Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle).
+
+Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself.
+
+Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the
+largest head.
+
+When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a
+meadow.
+
+What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives
+milk and the other gives whey (way).
+
+What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip.
+
+When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has
+her hands where her feet ought to be.
+
+Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an
+airy-nought (aeronaut).
+
+Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out.
+
+Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness?
+Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar).
+
+What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta
+percha).
+
+Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The
+crane.
+
+Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances?
+Because they are always on cord (encored).
+
+What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y;
+for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other,
+are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to
+look out of, while the former looks out for mankind.
+
+When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a
+little Indian in it.
+
+What part of a fish weighs most? The scales.
+
+What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A
+fountain.
+
+Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because
+it is easier to preach than to practice.
+
+Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane).
+
+Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round
+the waste (waist).
+
+Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent
+disturbance.
+
+What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the
+honey, and the other all the whacks (wax).
+
+Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms.
+
+Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen?
+Because they live by hook and by crook.
+
+What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary
+birds.
+
+What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane.
+
+Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery.
+
+Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great.
+
+Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid.
+
+Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel
+(kernel).
+
+Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full.
+
+What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part.
+
+Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked.
+
+Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark.
+
+What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque).
+
+Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable
+is reasonable after _t_.
+
+Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing.
+
+Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand.
+
+What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is.
+
+What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish.
+
+What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy.
+
+What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to
+dress, the other dresses to kill.
+
+Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two
+fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).
+
+A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three;
+how was this? He had two--and one smelt.
+
+If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton
+of coal come to? To ashes.
+
+Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because
+he's always on the strike for wages.
+
+Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup?
+Because it is a liquidation of stock.
+
+Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never
+wants one.
+
+What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One
+has feeling, the other is felt.
+
+What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars.
+
+What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
+
+How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of
+black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New
+York.
+
+Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in?
+Because the cabman always drives over your head.
+
+Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is
+uttered but not allowed.
+
+Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear.
+
+What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out.
+
+Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good
+retort.
+
+Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting
+affection.
+
+What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One
+is hard up and the other soft down.
+
+What comes after cheese? Mouse.
+
+Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his
+policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view.
+
+When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes
+a roll in bed.
+
+When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard).
+
+Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce.
+
+Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because
+she's a-mounting (a mountain).
+
+Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does
+write (right) by itself.
+
+Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex?
+Because they are the weaker vessels.
+
+At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable
+kingdom? When long experience has made him sage.
+
+When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft.
+
+What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve
+ounces in one pound.
+
+What makes a pair of boots? Two boots.
+
+What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date.
+
+Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded
+vessel? Because he runs a-ground.
+
+Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the
+mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life.
+
+Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he
+frequently slows down.
+
+Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race
+course? Because there is always a bettor.
+
+When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate.
+
+What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never
+existed, and still has a name? Nothing.
+
+Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes?
+Because it is matchless.
+
+Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by
+the directions of strangers.
+
+What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no
+use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise.
+
+Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes
+around doing good.
+
+Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows)
+everything.
+
+What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because
+he's got one to wag.
+
+What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides
+a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air.
+
+When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark.
+
+When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked.
+
+When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late
+(a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.
+
+What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and
+cannon-eers.
+
+Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman.
+
+Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the
+sooner it is put out the better.
+
+When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water).
+
+What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright.
+
+What trade is more than full? Fuller.
+
+Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it
+is an invisible force.
+
+When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass.
+
+Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot.
+
+How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow).
+
+What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band?
+The drum.
+
+What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet
+feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to
+come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent
+to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no
+resentment when the reproof is given? A clock.
+
+Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his
+peas and coos.
+
+When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing
+(teething).
+
+Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student?
+Because it is about to enter the ministry.
+
+What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog.
+
+When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale
+(pail).
+
+When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish).
+
+What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is
+for-bidding.
+
+When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field
+(a wry).
+
+What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe.
+
+Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because
+they are always on the watch.
+
+Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is
+a foul proceeding.
+
+What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to
+be pitted by the small-pox.
+
+What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks.
+
+What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids.
+
+What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give
+satisfaction."
+
+Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.
+
+What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half.
+
+Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by
+falling due (dew).
+
+What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss.
+
+What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring.
+
+Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a
+hiding of the son (sun).
+
+When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end.
+
+Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful
+actress? Because she's the leading lady.
+
+Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he
+offers a horn to every one he meets.
+
+When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns.
+
+How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail.
+
+What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass.
+
+Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he
+is silent.
+
+Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it
+reduces the speed of autos.
+
+Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always
+pursuing his studies.
+
+Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear
+lawn dresses (were laundresses).
+
+Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain
+may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman).
+
+If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two
+in the shade.
+
+What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A
+portrait.
+
+What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark.
+
+What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly
+gone).
+
+Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney.
+
+Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding.
+
+How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated.
+
+At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage.
+
+Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report.
+
+What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper.
+
+What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of
+paint.
+
+Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon
+with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set
+before him.
+
+Why is a book like a king? It has many pages.
+
+What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth.
+
+What fruit is on a cent? A date.
+
+Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer
+they cling.
+
+Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater
+the ruin.
+
+
+ECHOES
+
+What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.
+
+What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.
+
+What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light.
+
+What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.
+
+Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations.
+
+Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.
+
+What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake
+her.
+
+
+
+
+CHAPTER X
+
+CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS
+
+
+    My first makes company,
+    My second shuns company,
+    My third assembles company,
+    My whole puzzles company.
+                        Co-nun-drum.
+
+My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at
+all. Thoughtless.
+
+I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured myself. A
+candle.
+
+I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but a tick. A clock.
+
+You can hang me on the wall, but if you take me down, you cannot hang
+me up again. Wall paper.
+
+In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate. In-sat-i-ate.
+
+    May my first never be lost in my second,
+    To prevent me from enjoying my whole.
+                        Friendship.
+
+My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not.
+Love-lie (Lovely).
+
+My first is a prop, my second also is a prop, and my whole is a prop
+as well. Footstool.
+
+Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; scratch my back, and I'm nobody. A
+mirror.
+
+By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you
+will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole. Past-time.
+
+When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only
+person to give me my whole. Hearts-ease.
+
+Why is the emblem of America more lasting than that of France,
+England, Ireland, or Scotland?
+
+    The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,
+      The rose from its stem may sever;
+    Shamrock and thistle may pass away,
+      But the stars shall shine for ever.
+
+  Read  see  that  me   but  not  my    got
+   Up  shall  I   love  if   me  love   for-
+  And   you  love you  that love  for   be
+  Down  and  you   if   you  do   you  shall
+    Read up and down and you shall see.
+
+        Can you tell me why
+        A hypocrite's eye
+        Can better descry
+        Than you or I
+        On how many toes
+        A pussy-cat goes?
+
+        A man of deceit
+        Can best count-er-feit;
+        And so, I suppose,
+        Can best count her toes.
+
+    My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;
+    My second is made into cakes and a bun;
+    My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;
+    My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors
+    of the United States is very often indeed called one.
+                        Mat-ry(e)-money.
+
+Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding conundrum? Because
+he's averse to matrimony.
+
+    By equal division, I know I am right;
+    The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.
+                              VIII
+                        XIII, ----, VIII
+                              AIII
+
+     [Transcriber's note: The letter A is used here to represent
+     the lower half of the letter X, originally shown by an
+     upside down V.]
+
+    I came to a field and couldn't get through it;
+    So I went to school and learned how to do it.
+                        Fence.
+
+    Legs have I got, but seldom walk,
+    I backbite all, yet never talk.
+                        A flea.
+
+    I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
+    But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
+                        Sane; insane.
+
+    Formed long ago, yet made to-day,
+      I'm most employed while others sleep;
+    What none would like to give away,
+      Yet no one likes to keep.
+                        Bed.
+
+    My first of anything is half,
+      My second is complete;
+    And so remains until once more
+      My first and second meet.
+                        Semi-circle.
+
+    Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,
+    Who is that highly favored man,
+    Who, though he has married many a wife,
+    May still live single all his life?
+                        A clergyman.
+
+    Great numbers do our use despise,
+      But yet, at last they find,
+    Without our help in many things,
+      They might as well be blind.
+                        Spectacles.
+
+    My love for you will never know
+      My first, nor yet my second;
+    'Tis like your wit and beauty, so
+      My whole 'twill aye be reckoned.
+                        End-less.
+
+    As I was going through a field of wheat,
+    I found something good to eat;
+    It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;
+    I kept it till it ran alone.
+                        An egg.
+
+    There's a word composed of three letters alone
+      Which reads backwards and forwards the same,
+    It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
+      And to beauty lays principal claim.
+                        Eye.
+
+    We travel much, yet pris'ners are,
+      And close confined to boot;
+    We with the swiftest horse keep pace,
+      Yet always go on foot.
+                        A pair of spurs.
+
+    My first doth affliction denote,
+      Which my second is destined to feel;
+    But my whole is the sure antidote
+      That affliction to soothe and to heal.
+                        Wo-man.
+
+    Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,
+    Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;
+    I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,
+    Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.
+                        Pains.
+
+    Your initials begin with an A,
+    You've an A at the end of your name,
+    The whole of your name is an A,
+    And it's backwards and forwards the same.
+                        Anna.
+
+    Ever running on my race,
+    Never staying at one place,
+    Through the world I make my tour,
+    Everywhere at the same hour.
+    If you please to spell my name,
+    Reversed or forward it's the same.
+                        Noon.
+
+    You name me once, and I am famed
+      For deeds of noble daring;
+    You name me twice, and I am found
+      In savage customs sharing.
+                        Tar-tar.
+
+What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with
+its root upwards? An icicle.
+
+    Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,
+    Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.
+                        Liquor-ice (licorice).
+
+    From a number that's odd cut off the head,
+        It then will even be.
+    Its tail, I pray, next take away,
+        Your mother then you'll see.
+                        Seven--even--Eve.
+
+    My first is of illustrious line,
+    Of beauteous form and face divine;
+    Which when my second does assail,
+    Both form and beauty then do fail;
+    My whole an arduous task to do
+    With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.
+                        Man-age.
+
+    A stranger comes from foreign shores,
+      Perchance to seek relief;
+    Curtail him, and you find his tale
+      Unworthy of belief;
+    Curtailed again, you recognize
+      An old Egyptian chief.
+                        Alien--a lie--Ali.
+
+    An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
+    Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
+    And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;
+    Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.
+                        Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.
+
+    Ere Adam was, my early days began;
+    I ape each creature, and resemble man;
+    I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
+    Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
+    Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
+    Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,
+    Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
+    You'll quickly find me out by candlelight.
+                        Shadow.
+
+    'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,
+    And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;
+    On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,
+    And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.
+    'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,
+    Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.
+    'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,
+    Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;
+    It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,
+    Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.
+    In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,
+    Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.
+    In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,
+    But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir.
+    'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,
+    'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.
+    Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,
+    But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!
+    So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:
+    Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!
+                        The letter "H."
+
+
+STORIES
+
+How do you punctuate the sentence, "I saw a five-dollar bill on the
+street?" Make a dash after it.
+
+There was a carpenter who made a cupboard door; it proved too big. He
+cut it, and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it
+again, and made it fit beautifully. How was this? He did not cut it
+enough the first time.
+
+There are twelve birds in a covey. A hunter kills a brace, then how
+many remain? None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly away.
+
+A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he could see more with one eye
+than his friend could with two. How was this? Because he saw his
+friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
+
+A hunter and his dog went out hunting. The dog went not behind, went
+not before, nor on one side of him. Where did he go? On the other
+side.
+
+Which would you rather--look a greater fool than you are, or be a
+greater fool than you look? (Let the person choose, then say, "That
+is impossible.")
+
+Which would you rather--that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you
+would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course.
+
+A man stopped before the window of a trunk store; within, a large
+trunk was marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one "$15.00," and a small
+one bore the placard, "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the man said,
+and walked on.
+
+A man was crossing a bridge over a small stream, and noticed a sign
+which read, "Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, and walked on.
+
+
+AGE CONTEST
+
+What age will people reach if they live long enough? Dotage.
+
+To what age do most people look forward? Marriage.
+
+A necessary attribute of a soldier? Courage.
+
+What age is required at sea? Tonnage.
+
+What age are we forbidden to worship? Image.
+
+What age do people get stuck on? Mucilage.
+
+What age is neither more nor less? Average.
+
+What is the age of profanity? Damage.
+
+At what age will vessels ride safely? Anchorage.
+
+What age does the infant in arms pass through? Crib-bage.
+
+What age does the small boy enjoy? Sauce-age (sausage).
+
+What age is the young lady most interested in? Garb-age.
+
+What age does the child in primary school dislike? Ad(d)-age.
+
+What age does the bride desire? Dotage.
+
+What age is necessary for a clergyman? Parsonage.
+
+What is the age of communication? Postage.
+
+What age is most important to travelers? Mileage.
+
+What is the age of slavery? Bondage.
+
+What age is served for breakfast? Sausage.
+
+What is the most indigestible age? Cabbage.
+
+What age signifies the farmer? Tillage.
+
+What age belongs to travelers? Baggage.
+
+What age is an indication of wealth? Acreage.
+
+What age do milliners delight in? Plumage.
+
+What age is shared by a doctor and a lawyer? Patronage.
+
+What age is used in turkey stuffing? (S)age.
+
+What age do a number of people enjoy in common? Village.
+
+
+ANT CONTEST
+
+What is the oldest ant? Adam-ant.
+
+What ant hires his home? Tenant.
+
+What ant is joyful? Jubilant.
+
+What ant is learned? Savant.
+
+What ant is well informed? Conversant.
+
+What ant is trustworthy? Confidant.
+
+What ant is proud? Arrogant.
+
+What ant sees things? Observant.
+
+What ant is angry? Indignant.
+
+What ant tells things? Informant.
+
+What ant is successful? Triumphant.
+
+What ant is an officer? Commandant.
+
+What ant is a beggar? Mendicant.
+
+What ant is obstinate? Defiant.
+
+What ant is youngest? Infant.
+
+What is the ruling ant? Dominant.
+
+What is the wandering ant? Errant.
+
+What ant lives in a house? Occupant.
+
+What ant points out things? Significant.
+
+What ant is prayerful? Supplicant.
+
+
+CITY CONTEST
+
+What city is for few people? Scarcity.
+
+    Happy people? Felicity.
+
+    Hypocrites? Duplicity.
+
+    Chauffeurs? Velocity.
+
+    Truthful people? Veracity.
+
+    Athletes? Elasticity.
+
+    Greedy people? Voracity.
+
+    Wild beasts? Ferocity.
+
+    Home lovers? Domesticity.
+
+    Actors? Publicity.
+
+    Reporters? Audacity.
+
+    Wise people? Sagacity.
+
+    Hungry people? Capacity.
+
+    Telegraph operators? Electricity.
+
+    Crowds? Multiplicity.
+
+    Nations? Reciprocity.
+
+    Old people? Eccentricity.
+
+    Beggars? Mendicity.
+
+    Unhappy people? Infelicity.
+
+    Office-seekers? Pertinacity.
+
+
+THE END
+
+
+
+
+
+End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway
+
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