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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/32898-8.txt b/32898-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..71d4b25 --- /dev/null +++ b/32898-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5764 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Handbook of Conundrums + +Author: Edith B. Ordway + +Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + +Transcriber's note: The symbol _ (underscore) has generally been used +to indicate italics. However, when only partial words have been +italicized this has instead been indicated using capital letters. + + + + + THE HANDBOOK + OF + CONUNDRUMS + + BY + + EDITH B. ORDWAY + + Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and + "Synonyms and Antonyms." + + NEW YORK + + GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY + + + + + Copyright, 1914, by + SULLY and KLEINTEICH + + Copyright, 1915, by + SULLY and KLEINTEICH + + All rights reserved + + PRINTED IN U. S. A. + + + + +PREFACE + + +This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits. +It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of +broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the +best steel of fancy. + +Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of +remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for +the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn. +There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface. + +Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to +cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that +between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit +of laughter only and the wit of insight. + + E. B. O. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to +which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint +expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated +riddle and the impromptu pun. + +With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of +likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was +carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting +into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is +the logical product. + +The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be +witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds +have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an +impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to +fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for +thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course. + +The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and, +while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote, +is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of +wit which enlighten and cheer. + +The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect +in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess +riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of +this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very +high,--often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a +contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of +the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in +competition with the god Odin. + +So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves +herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles. +Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played +with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked +on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from +death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle. + +The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and +this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher +intelligence which makes for wisdom. + +Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the +strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which +the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the +Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out +of the strong came forth sweetness." + +Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of +wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in +his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that +Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more +ready with them than with repartees." + +The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek +mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the +body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon +a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to +all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but +killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and +their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city. +Oedipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had +shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the +city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him +the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet, +at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Oedipus replied, +"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks +erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx +thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans +made Oedipus king. + + [1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art" + (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911). + +There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and +Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with +vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we +caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept." + +Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs +the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?" +The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave +no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and +legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The +voice." + +The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in +"The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were +written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern +sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some +of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry. + +In the early half of the seventeenth century there were published +several small books, which contain the sources of many of the +conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together +by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books" +(London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630, +1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and +approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle +is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these +books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a +considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright +sayings of the day. + +The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English +Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of +these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to +discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is +notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn +de Worde in 1511, namely: + + "_Demaund._ How many straws go to a goose's nest? + + "_A._ None, for lack of feet. + +Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through +the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in +different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and +conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The +following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful +young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The +ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the +class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having +requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled +by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn" +(_Vicissim_, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled. + +When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court +Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little +Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the +Archbishop. + +Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many +changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An +example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum +as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5: + + _Clown._ Good madonna, why mournest thou? + + _Olivia._ Good fool, for my brother's death. + + _Clown._ I think his soul is in hell, madonna. + + _Olivia._ I know his soul is in heaven, fool. + + _Clown._ The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul + being in heaven. + +While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of +the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked +pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names +of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at +once judges and prisoners at the bar. + +Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis +of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any +subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the +King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder. + +The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and +the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He +was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion, +not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the +inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown": +"They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell." + +A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the +best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of +equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide. + +Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form +of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he +could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man +under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied +Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship." + +The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury +Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined +at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be +"very sharp set." + +The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in +regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to +expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the +stile (style)." + +From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum, +which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a +general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly +constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by +negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new +analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile +in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to +historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and +places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the +humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten. + +There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a +period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than +anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period, +or those that center around a great event, would make most +illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often +more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have +been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians, +said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of +Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of +posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as +from that of the contemporary chroniclers. + +John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one +of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the +forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the +dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the +publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had +many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt +that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe +assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations +of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make +increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author +here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as +well as from the unpublished current wit of the day. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + INTRODUCTION 7 + + Chapter Page + + I. EARLY ENGLISH WIT 1 + + II. MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS 18 + + III. BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS 20 + + IV. HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS 30 + + V. CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD 38 + + VI. GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS 44 + + VII. LITERARY CONUNDRUMS 52 + + VIII. CONUNDRUMS OF THE ALPHABET 60 + + IX. GENERAL CONUNDRUMS 73 + + X. CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS 183 + + + + +CHAPTER I + +EARLY ENGLISH WIT + + +In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter, +the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present +day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is +adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book. + + * * * * * + +A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he +answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply. + +A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to +keep his lawyer warm. + +"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep +the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the +defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might +perhaps fall together by the ears." + +A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The +servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows +than such hard words. + +What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost +every book?[2] + + [2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches, + Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind, + and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's + plays were written by _Mr. Preface_ or _Mr. Finis_. + +A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go +handsome in their clothes. + +An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as +Dutchmen do cheese. + +It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are +mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but +action." + +A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon +tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body. + +One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found +him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still. + +A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put +away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study." + +It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of +handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either +of them shall die a beggar." + +Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because +the first woman was made of a crooked thing. + +One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least +was to be chosen." + +A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his +profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of +Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of +mad men, and he would give it to them again. + +The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is +"nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets +his living." + +"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had +founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know +that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders +(co-founders) of that hospital you speak of." + +It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by +the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it. + +A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked +that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends. + +Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted +with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a +deeper knowledge of it than any others. + +"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he +be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending." + +"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun, +for he hath always many irons in the fire." + +The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it +the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit," +embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool." + +Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than +other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have +extraordinary reach. + +Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at +rest. + +It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to +learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help +themselves. + +Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their +business without a rule. + +A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do +with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or +anything else. + +Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims +it; if ill, the earth covers it. + +A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part +them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and +wife." + +Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would +never be stifled with fire and smoke. + +Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do +anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring). + +Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never +think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to +their vices. + +It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never +says anything that he can stand to. + +"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, +though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are +still stable men." + +A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates +him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems +what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he +truly is. + +Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as +content in rags as in robes. + +"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate +upon their backs. + +An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he +undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient +shall see he does it. + +He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before +he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a +pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on. + +Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are +always employed in mending soles. + +A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the +reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could +not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth. + +A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her +spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended +herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great +cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way +home reeling. + +An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under +his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For," +he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all +the sextons in the town." + +A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from +which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion +laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a +stone swim. + +One who had received a threat that another would break his head with +a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a +stone." + +A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who +had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the +sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to +visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more. + +The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to +hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as +well as any man." + +A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the +proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was +for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the +gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had +promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his +promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt. + +"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a +farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a +great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth +anything at all." + +A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what +business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great +importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am +afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider. +"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand." + +Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill +or bond? I O U. + +Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are +now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the +masculine and feminine gender should agree at all." + +A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and +came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the +peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?" +"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had +lost your senses, that you talk so idly." + +One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of +St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are +these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," +said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway." + +A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown +paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown +study. + +"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the +soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are +sure to be beaten." + +Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C. + +How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long. + +Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a +silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over +that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the +matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it, +yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith. + +One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the +name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long +grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than +that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves +that he had made. + +A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was +ever after called "Master W." + +One was wondering why the people of Ęthiopia did not write straight +along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote +under the line, and that was the reason of it. + +A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that +he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which +he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way +to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill +could never dye well. + +What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme. + +An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble +enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness +when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an +apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends. + +What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a +playhouse? A box. + +One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the +streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It +was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly +meet with a watch as with anything else. + +One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's +clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told +him that they could not live by making short hand of anything. + +A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the +ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him +the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great +fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides." + +The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that +prated betwixt two that spoke several languages. + +A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and +called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none, +and that the man in the Moon always drank claret. + +A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that +country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the +river, for it came without calling. + +A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to +London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came +furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at +the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground, +exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up +the stones, and let the dogs loose!" + +A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah, +if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or +else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank +your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to +be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you." + +A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by +his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied. +"Do you not see that I am becalmed?" + +Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I +answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied +that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted +for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing. + +(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the +purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following +conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they +were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen. + +Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat +body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise. + +Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest. + +One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which +is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him +why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so +near heaven again. + +What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the +devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.) + +Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air. + +What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary. + +Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit +faults with license. + +Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are +lunatic. (This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by +Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.) + +It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were +not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the +reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year." + +One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays" +(1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little +or no waste in a whole suit." + +The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the +study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal. + +A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse +toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at +full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the +way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you, +if he were as wild as the devil.' + + "This is a riddle to a fool, methinks, + And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx, + But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3] + To find you lines, yourself must find you wit." + + [3] Sufficient. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages. + +How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read +of his struggles with the tight-uns (Titans). + +What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell). + +Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a +goddess? Because she's a second floorer (Flora). + +Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? +Because he's a sea-king (a-seeking) what never was. + +If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really +haven't an ocean (a notion). + +If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, +what classical name might she mention? You row, pa (Europa). + +Why is Orpheus always in bad company? Because you never see him +without a lyre. + +If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the Bay of Salamis, what would he +have been when he came out? A dripping Pan. + +What did Io die of? Io-dide of potassium. + +When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on +without his club. + +What girl does Echo think can best answer questions? Ann, sir. + +Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his +swim) only. + +Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it is +always drawn with the drag-on. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, +which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam." + +At what time of day was Adam born? A little before Eve. + +Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no +Eve. + +How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice +(Paradise) was taken away from them. + +What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the +expulsion? Adamantine (Adam ain't in). + +Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife. + +At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve. + +What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. + +Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. + +Who was first interested in horse racing? Adam--he was the father of +the race. + +How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam, +too, and the devil won,--eleven in all. + +What one word will name the common parent of both beasts and man? +A-dam. + +What was the first surgical operation performed without the aid of +instruments? The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made into a wife. + +Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife? +Because she was cut out especially for him. + +How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden? Put out. + +Why were the gates of Eden shut after Adam and Eve went out? To keep +the dam(p) air out. + +What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. + +Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em). + +For what was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company. + +What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot. + +Who first introduced walking-sticks? Eve gave Adam a little Cain. + +What kind of cottages did Adam's sons prefer? Cottages with eaves +(Eves). + +Was our mother Eve High or Low Church? Adam thought her +Eve-angelical. + +What did Adam and Eve do when they got out of Eden? Raised Cain. + +Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Because it had a pair-in (paring). + +When was the first gambling? When Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise +(pair o' dice) for an apple. + +When did fruit first begin to swear? When the apple damned the first +pair. + +Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam--he was first in the +human race. + +How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was able (Abel). + +Why was Cain's murder like the main strength of his leg? Because it +was a sin-new. + +How can a whipping be ordered for a boy in five Old Testament names? +Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel. + +Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it +springs a knowledge of good and evil. + +What was four weeks old when Cain was born, and is not yet five? The +moon. + +Who first introduced salt pork into the Navy? Noah, when he took Ham +into the ark. + +Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although +the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (Hierarch). + +In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? +In the ark. + +Which animal took most luggage into the ark, and which the least? The +elephant, who had his trunk; while the fox and the cock had only a +brush and a comb between them. + +Who was the greatest financier of early times? Noah,--he floated his +stock when all the world was in liquidation. + +Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. + +What was Noah busy about in the ark? Preserving pairs. + +Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Archives. + +How do we know that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo +went in with hops, and the bear was always _Bruin_. + +What did the cat say when she looked out of the window of the ark? Is +that Ararat? + +In what order did Noah come from the ark? He came forth. + +When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his +forefathers. + +Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit? They thought that it +was a good opening for the young man. + +Where is the theater mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph left the +family circle and went into the pit. + +Who had the first free entrance into a theater? Joseph, when he got +into the pit for nothing. + +What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died--and +a part of whose shroud is on every dining table? Lot's wife. + +What did Lot do when his wife turned to salt? Got a fresh one. + +What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, reminds us of a +gladiatorial show at Rome? The bulrushes. + +Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all +the Ten Commandments at once. + +Where are bank checks mentioned in the Bible? Pharaoh got a check on +the bank of the Red Sea--crossed by Moses and Co. + +Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she drew a little +prophet from the rushes on the bank. + +What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses? He found him more plague +than prophet. + +How do we know that there was a panic in the early days of Moses? +Because there were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and Pharaoh's +daughter withdrew a valuable deposit. + +Why do we assume that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen +with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. + +If you were to throw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it +become? Wet. + +Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible? The +Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth. + +What is the difference between the ancient Israelites and modern +washstands? The former had hewers of wood and drawers of water; the +latter have ewers of water and drawers of wood. + +Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because +of the sandwiches (sand which is) there. + +How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his +followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), and when +Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, all but-ter (but her) +went into the desert. + +Who was the oldest man that ever lived, yet who died before his +father did? Methuselah: his father Enoch did not die, but was +translated. + +If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name +would that animal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, Dick). + +What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun. + +Who took the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua +countermanded the Sun. + +Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him +with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before. + +How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty +stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty. + +What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouth? +Agag. + +What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? The one was +king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings. + +Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor. + +Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? Absalom. + +In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic. + +Why would Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so +easily bring down the house. + +Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday like Nebuchadnezzar in his +debased condition? Because it was my tumbler (might humbler). + +What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in +Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer. + +Who was the first unfortunate speculator? Jonah, because he got taken +in. + +What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and +Jonah? The whale got all the prophet. + +Why was the whale which swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has +retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) +out of the water. + +How did Jonah feel when the whale was going to swallow him? Down in +the mouth--as if he was going to blubber. + +What divine law did the whale obey when he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was +a stranger and he took him in. + +Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up. + +Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from the modern theologians? +Because while he disagreed with the whale, they disagree about him. + +Why was John the Baptist like a penny? Because he was one cent +(sent). + +Who won the first horse race in the Bible? Herodias' daughter when +she got a head of John the Baptist on a charger. + +When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? When he comes out of +some area (Samaria). + +Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The +widow's mite, and the wicked flee. + +Why is a good wife like the devil? While the husbandman sleepeth, she +seweth (soweth) tears (tares). + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest. +What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King +of England. + +When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his +subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign. + +Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither +lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet. + +What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call +his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!" +(Mameluke). + +What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles +(Themistocles). + +Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Cęsar? The +miserable Cinna (sinner). + +What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? +One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes. + +Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas +Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey. + +Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great +composers of modern times. + +Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough +out of him. + +The name of what character in history would a person mention in +asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up +the grate). + +Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did +was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the +volunteers intend doing. + +Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the +empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry. + +When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine, +and where? He took a chop at the King's Head. + +Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation? +Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop. + +Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every +man had one kilt before the battle began. + +Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known? +Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed) +like one of these. + +What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early +Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater). + +If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages, +why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an +M. P. raw (emperor). + +Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan? +Because it is incomplete without a Handel. + +When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). + +What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a +crown. + +In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as +different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the +other by knights. + +Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the +first man who entered it. + +Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought +it a good opening for a young man. + +What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and +we (the English) one (won). + +What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers? +The battle of Assay(e). + +Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history +of England? Chap. I. + +Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phoenicia +to Greece. + +Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his +fortieth year. + +What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O +(Scipio). + +Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris? +Just as he left the rain (reign) was over. + +Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because +the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar). + +If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial +name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon). + +Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it +was built for one sovereign--and finished for another. + +Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be +execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and +they are wretchedly slow. + +Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats +of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got +reverses. + +Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a +Solon (sole on). + +Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among +explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World. + +What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of +the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other +used to put a cask (casque) on his head. + +What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G +(effigy)? + +How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because +England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs. + +What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One +was a WONder, the other a TUdor. + +What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory. + +It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The +letter "m." + +Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers). + +Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best +card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs; +workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of +losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds. + +Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did +not agree with him. + +When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved +the Pope's bull. + +Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was +able to make out his policy. + +What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the +fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were +Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses. + +What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of +A-gin-court. + +What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her). + +What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. + +What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck. + +What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name +and--hang him. + +Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it +gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old +World and the New? The former was discovered by _Columba_, who +started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa. + +What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman? +One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native. + +Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George +Washington, for he was the father of his country. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD + + +Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in +one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other +Washington was bound to defend the army. + +Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the +seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it +breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A. +Lincoln) to history. + +Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United +States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln). + +Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter? +Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which +an unusual amount of interest is attached. + +Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers? +Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their +return. + +Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he +governs by Can(n)on Law. + +Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it +will not dissolve. + +Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers' +vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears). + +Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the +product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed. + +Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put? +Beaure-guard. + +Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for +ladies? Because they are colors that won't run. + +Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city +employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping +the streets. + +In what relation does the President of the United States stand to +Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel). + +Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our +Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone. + +Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse +to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much +"cheek" already. + +Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is +the author of "Great Expectations." + +Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are +for privateers (private ears). + +Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L. + +Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge. + +Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because +he looks to Seward (seaward). + +How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to +_enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States. + +Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by +deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors. + +Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's +mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it. + +Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any +other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of +secession and the end of Jeff Davis. + +Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of +regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be +receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard). + +Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end. + +Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other +State? Because she has sent even her Banks. + +Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before +Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in +strong for the Union. + +Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern +Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede). + +Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she +has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard. + +What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy +and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan). + +What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the +enemy. + +Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated. + +Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters. + +Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles. + +What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India? +The season which brings the monsoon. + +How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because +she gives her countenance to it. + +Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston? +Because they are well hooped. + +How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet. + +Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not +even passable. + +Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it +rains hard. + +Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled +bosoms. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey +upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the +destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece. + +What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames--between +Chel-sea and Batter-sea. + +When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye) +water. + +Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In +Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in +England, on the Thames, there are lighter men. + +What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork. + +What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly, +Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira. + +Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The +state of matrimony. + +Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a +port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). + +How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to +Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile. + +Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land +(whole island). + +If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference +in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along. + +Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are +two-tonics (Teutonics). + +What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, +because there Arno boats there. + +Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is +born to blubber,--and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking with his +snows frozen. + +Why was the country of Phoenicia like an automobile? Because it had a +Tyre on its border. + +Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she +is ever surrounded by Paris-ites. + +What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry +attic). + +How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make an Englishman run? +Ten-dons. + +What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a +Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold, +and the other cold with the kilt. + +What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run +the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very +naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate). + +Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What +nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian +(a-rushing); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a +Pole. + +When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes +from Dover to _Deal_. + +How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York? +One, if it was long enough. + +What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to +Cowes. + +Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece +(grease) at the bottom. + +Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland? +Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast). + +What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse-sack +(Cossack). + +Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical +Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not +(Juggernaut). + +Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany? +Because he is always on a Spree. + +What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of +despair? Tar-tar-us. + +Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To +gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland). + +Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman +going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of +the crater. + +What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead. + +Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through +which he goes. + +For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an +Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse +together? To prevent their using bad language. + +Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always +Dublin (doubling). + +What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? S X (Essex). + +Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease +(Greece). + +Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in? +Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to +Chusan). + +What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the +difference in the world. + +What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the +hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia). + +Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the +great (grate) lie there. + +Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears +which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see. + +Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like? +The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes). + +Why may we doubt the existence of the Giants' Causeway? There are so +many sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of them. + +What is the difference between a certain part of Africa and the shade +of Hamlet's father stalking in winter? One is the Gold Coast, the +other the cold ghost. + +Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an internal transport. + +Why is New York City like a flash light? It has a Battery. + +When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray. + +Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is an India gent (indigent). + +Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the sole +(soul) of it. + +What is a man like who is in the middle of the Thames and can't swim? +Like to be drowned. + +Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for +tows (toes). + +Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only for very old gentlemen? +Because it is a see-Nile (senile) thing to do. + +What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Castile). + +Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? Because it often changes +its notes. + +Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United +States. + +Who were the original bog-trotters? The Fen-ians. + +Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Because it is often driven +into Deal. + +Why is Paris like the letter F? Because it is the capital of France. + +Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often +passed over. + +Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but +one coach in China (Cochin China). + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +LITERARY CONUNDRUMS + + +What American poet may be considered equal to three-fifths of the +poets ancient and modern? Poe. + +The names of which two Greek poems will you mention on alluding to +their author's peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's Odd-I-see +and Ill-I-add. + +Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' son, Achilles? Because +both have "sent many souls to Hades ere their time." + +What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's "Seasons" do to young +Palemon? She pulled his ears and trod on his corns. + +If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? +Chaw-sir (Chaucer). + +Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two celebrated musicians, said +one was Tweedledum, the other only Tweedledee? If so, state which of +these two names was the more difficult to write. Tweedledum, because +he wrote the other with more e's (ease). + +Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson Crusoe's island was +uninhabited? Because the very first thing he saw upon landing was a +great swell a pitchin' into a little "cove" on the shore. + +What prescription is the best for a poet? A composing draught. + +Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because his +tale (tail) comes out of his head. + +Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired of novel-writing than Warren? +Because Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren only "Now and Then." + +What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if +they could only speak? Eusebius (you see by us). + +Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last work? Because it's a cereal +(serial) work. + +When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden +("Enoch Arden"). + +How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept +his choler (collar) down. + +How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the +earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior. + +What was the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he +could "recite" his poems, but not re-sight himself. + +Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because if the ancient Scandinavians +had their "Skalds," we have also had our Burns. + +What English poet does a mummy resemble? Dryden (dried-'un). + +What lady of the Dante family is most often spoken of? Ann-dante. + +Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? Because "Death loves a +shining mark." + +What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? "The Bridge of +Sighs" (the bridge of size). + +Why was Dickens a greater writer than Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote +well, but Dickens wrote Weller. + +What proof have we that Cowper was in debt? He "oh'd for a lodge in +some vast wilderness." + +Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?" +Because he thought he was a good feller (fellow). + +Why are the relics of the departed like a man whose pocket has been +robbed and the thief escaped? Because they have both felt "the touch +of a vanished hand." + +When is a pie like a poet? When it's Browning. + +What best describes and most impedes a Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan +(bunion). + +Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? Because in them we see +the "Spectator." + +Was Othello thinking of his wife when he killed her? No, 's mother. + +What toe would you rather kiss than the Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe. + +Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The +wind,--"Over the Hills and Far Away." + +Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? Dickens. He wrote "All the Year +Round," while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning." + +What countryman was Burns? A Scorchman. + +What change of identity did the "Beggar's Opera" effect? It made Gay +rich, and Rich gay. + +When was the greatest destruction of poultry? When King Claudius of +Denmark "did murder most foul." + +Why are the abbreviations of degrees tacked on to a man's name? To +show that he is a man of letters. + +"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love like a potato?" Because it +shoots from the eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by pairing." + +If Falstaff had been musical what instrument would he have chosen +after dinner? The sackbut. + +Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no +man has furnished so many stock quotations. + +Why is a statistician like a writer of one of the Six Best Sellers? +Because he is the author of well-figured fiction. + +Why are Parliamentary reports called "Blue Books?" Because they are +never re(a)d. + +Why is an architect like a newspaper writer? Because he gets so much +"per column" for his work. + +Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common +tatur (commentator). + +Is there any bird which can recite the "Lays of Ancient Rome?" Yes, +certainly, Macaw-lays. + +Why cannot the Irish perform the play of "Hamlet?" Because they +cannot help making "Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine. + +What was Othello's occupation in Venice? That of a lawyer, because he +was attorney-general (a tawny general). + +If you took off your boot and put your foot in the fire, what opera +of Verdi's would it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe). + +Why are unsuccessful contestants for a prize like Shakespeare? +Because they have made "Much Ado About Nothing." + +What is the difference between living "in marble halls" and aboard +ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in +the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side. + +Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' later plots should be +complicated? Because one of his earlier works was all of a twist +(Oliver Twist). + +Why have the inhabitants of the city of Boston less need of foreign +bards than those of any other city? Because they can always find +poetry in their own "Holmes." + +Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone set in jet? Because he is +deep read (red) in Blackstone. + + +NAMES OF AUTHORS + +A slang expression. Dickens. + +A brighter and a smarter one. Whittier. + +Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a well-beloved poet you'll +see. Bryant. + +It comes from a pig. Bacon. + +II. Mark Twain. + +A ten-footer whose name begins with fifty. Longfellow. + +Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long ago. Spencer. + +What is an oyster heap likely to become? Shelley. + +It is worn on the head. Hood. + +A worker in precious metals. Goldsmith. + +What is the value of a word? Wordsworth. + +A domestic animal. Lamb. + +He mends and repairs. Cooper. + +Many people would like to kiss him. Pope. + +It pertains to a monastery. Abbott. + +A domestic servant. Cook. + +Which is the better playwright, William Shakespeare or Brinsley +Sheridan? Willis. + +Part of a fish. Finley. + +What the children delight in at the seashore. Sands. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +CONUNDRUMS ON THE ALPHABET + + +What word is it of only three syllables which combines in it +twenty-six letters? Alphabet. + +Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of +letters? Disproportionableness. + +What is the best bet ever made? The alphabet. + +When were there only two vowels? In the days of No-a, before U and I +were born. + +When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U +and I are one. + +Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet? Because it is always in +fun. + +Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet? Because it is next to +you. + +Which are the two hottest letters in the alphabet? K N (cayenne). + +Why is O the most charitable letter in the alphabet? Because it is +found oftener than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d. + +Why is the letter T like matrimony? It is the end of quiet and the +beginning of trouble. + +Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? It converts oats into +goats. + +When was B the first letter of the alphabet? In the days of No-a. + +What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. + +Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a "B" follows it. + +Why is the letter W like a scandal? Because it makes ill will. + +Why are two t's like hops? Because they make beer better. + +Spell enemy in three letters. No, not N M E; it's F O E. + +Spell auburn locks in two letters. S and Y. + +Spell brandy in three letters. B R and Y, and O D V. + +What must you add to nine to make it six? S, for IX with S is six. + +If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner, which letters could not +accept your kind invitation till later in the evening? The last six, +as they couldn't come till after T. + +How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything +that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n. + +What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a +thousand years? The letter M. + +Why is A like twelve o'clock? Because it's the middle of day. + +Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first +in pity, he is ever last in help. + +Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? Because it's near O (Nero). + +Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? Because it will make an eel +feel. + +What letter is that which is invisible, but never out of sight? I. + +How would you express in two letters that you were twice the bulk of +your companion? I W (I double you). + +What two Christian names read the same both ways? Hannah and Anna. + +Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first U in cucumber? Because it's +between two seas (c's). + +What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? +Oroonoko. + +Why is O the noisiest of all vowels? Because you cannot make a horrid +loud noise without it, whilst all the others are inAUdIblE. + +What word contains the five vowels in their order? Facetious. + +Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the center +of bliss, whilst E is in hEll, and all the others are in pUrgAtOry. + +What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess +infinite sagacity? Wise (y's). + +Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. Too wise you are, two wise you +be; I see you are too wise for me. + +What are those things, which, though they appear twice in every day, +and twice in every week, yet are only seen twice in a year? Vowels. + +What letter in the alphabet is necessary to make a shoe? The last. + +What word of six letters admits of five successive elisions, +leaving at each abbreviation a well-known word? +Brandy--brand--bran--ran--an--a. + +Name two English words, one of which, being of one syllable only, +shall contain more letters than the other of five syllables? +Strength--Ideality. + +Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off +at a gallop? Because he can make a D-canter. + +What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without +transposing a letter? Herein--he--her--here--ere--rein--in. + +Is there a word in the English language which contains all the +vowels? Yes, unquestionably. + +Why is quizzing like the letter D on horseback? It is deriding (D +riding). + +When did "Chicago" begin with a "C" and end with an "e"? Chicago +always began with a "C" and end always began with an "e." + +There is an English word of more than two letters, of which la is the +middle, is the beginning, and is the end, though there is but one "a" +and one "l" in the word. What is it? Island, of which "la" is the +middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the end. + +What word is there of five letters, that, by taking two away, leaves +but one? Stone. + +What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a +word of two syllables? Plague; ague. + +Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though +never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits. + +Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more +importance than the others? Because we cannot get ON well without +them. + +Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad. + +What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n. + +Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis). + +What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? XPDNC +(expediency). + +What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? +Synonymous (Sin on a mouse). + +Why is an island like the letter T? Because it is in the midst of +water (wa-t-er). + +Like what four letters of the alphabet is a honey-producing insect +when in small health? Like A B C D (a bee seedy). + +Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles +needless. + +Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? Because it is devoid of +e's (ease). + +What two letters do boys delight in to the annoyance of their elders? +Two t's (to tease). + +What single word would you put down for $40 borrowed from you? XL +lent (excellent). + +What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes +her hear. + +What word is it, which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own +opposite? United, untied. + +Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men +mean. + +Why is a schoolmistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses +into classes. + +Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in +waiting. + +Spell an interrogation with one letter. Y (why?). + +Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both +in earth and water. + +Why is the nose on your face like the v in civility? Because it's +between two eyes (i's). + +Take away one letter from me, and like Macbeth I murder; take away +two, and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me. +Kill-ill-skill. + +There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five +letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be +conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the +whole word shows what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine. + +What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? +A Dutch-S. + +Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? Because we can't be wed +without it. + +Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it is the end of pork. + +How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G, pig without an I. + +Why is a horse like the letter O? Because Gee makes it Go. + +Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? It is nothing without its tail. + +When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled generosity? When it +enables a lady to make over a lover. + +Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? It is the end of beef. + +Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters? C D (seedy). + +Make five less by adding to it. V, IV. + +Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends +in sauciness. + +What small animal is turned into a larger one by beheading it? +Fox--ox. + +Why are sidewalks in winter like music? If you don't C sharp, you +will B flat. + +Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? Because she's never +inconsolable. + +What two letters express the most agreeable people in the world? U +and I. + +How does the letter Y work an impossibility? It makes a lad into a +lady. + +Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal will be transposed into a +point. Add X to ape, and you obtain apex. + +Why is the letter N like a pig? Because it makes a sty nasty. + +Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? When I get to C U (see you) I +forget everything else. + +Why is the letter B like a fire? Because it makes oil boil. + +Why is the letter R a profitable letter? Because it makes ice into +rice. + +Why is the letter T like Easter? Because it's the last of Lent. + +When does a blacksmith make a row in the alphabet? When he makes a +poke-R and shove-L. + +What did the old woman say when she looked into the empty flour +barrel? O I C U R M T. + +Why did Noah object to the letter D? Because it made the ark dark. + +Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s in both. + +What are the worst letters of recommendation? I O U. + +Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea). + +If I were in the sun and you out of it, what would the sun become? +Sin. + +I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I frequently stand upon one +leg; if you behead me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate me I +stand upon four. I shall think you are related to me if you do not +now recognize me. Glass--lass--ass. + + Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, Wye, Dee. + Three letters an ode give to fame. L E G (elegy). + Three letters an attribute name. N R G (energy). + Three letters a compliment claim. U X L (You excel). + + The beginning of eternity, + The end of time and space, + The beginning of every end, + The end of every race. Letter E. + + One letter's a tree? U (yew). + One means to agree? A (aye). + One is to drink? T (tea). + One a bird, think? J (jay). + + Now of letters that rhyme + You must guess them in time; + One is an insect busy all day? B (bee). + One is a river that wends on its way? D (Dee). + One is a slang word it is best not to say? G (Gee). + These two letters are not at all hard? E Z (easy). + These letters form a literary composition? S A (essay). + These letters will decompose? D K (decay). + These letters form a material to wear? P K (pique). + These letters do the best of all? X L (excel). + These letters form a tree? L M (elm). + The meaning of these letters is not full? M T (empty). + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +GENERAL CONUNDRUMS + + +Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled, +then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family. + +What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have +pistils. + +What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing. + +Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it? +He is bedridden. + +What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring. + +Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly. + +What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one +harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's." + +When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving. + +Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is +surrounded by felloes (fellows). + +Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad +brim. + +Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow. + +What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. + +When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board. + +What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper? +One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch. + +Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse. + +What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of +bank-notes. + +Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a +filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters +behind to settle. + +Why is English grammar like gout? Because it's torture (taught yer). + +Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an +invalid? Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure). + +Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Because he polishes the +understandings of his patrons. + +Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a +room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling). + +Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they +are always for-getting everything. + +What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, +one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing +the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune. + +When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head. + +Why is a joint company not like a watch? Because it does not go after +it is wound up. + +When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped +up in himself. + +What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and +chops about. + +Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a +living. + +Why do British soldiers never run away? Because they belong to the +standing army. + +What part of a car resembles a person? The wheel, because it is +tired. + +On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside. + +When may a chair be said to dislike you? When it can't bear you. + +What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing? The +scissors. + +Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their +existence is only in-fancy. + +Why is a proud girl like a music book? She is full of airs. + +Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not at all black +(not a tall black). + +Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they +make a noise whenever they are told (tolled). + +Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing +satisfies him. + +Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? They ought to be +taken up. + +Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us? We call them to +take us in. + +Why are weary people like carriage wheels? Because they are tired. + +Why does a tall man eat less than a short man? Because he makes a +little go a long way. + +What is the dryest subject? The mummy. + +When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering. + +Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses. + +How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside. + +What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off. + +What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One +irons your linen, the other steals it. + +When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the +storm is over. + +Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to +the Milky Way. + +What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? +One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold. + +Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from +it. + +Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because +it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue. + +Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the +last. + +What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is +made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell +only. + +Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a +harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre. + +When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a +well. + +What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour. + +When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his +pa's son (parson). + +What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he +is--the bigger the better? Skin him. + +Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other +goes. + +When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the +woods--and plains. + +Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull +edge, because it must be ground before it can be used. + +Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of +flash language. + +Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by +every post. + +What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent? +One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does +wrong. + +What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced. + +What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one. + +Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them +the faster they go. + +Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on +his stomach. + +When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance +of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it. + +When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when +folded. + +What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major. + +What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural. + +In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B +Minor). + +Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they +are so accustomed to keep their noses above water. + +What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A +pigs-tye, of course. + +Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet +full of bounce. + +When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts +away with it. + +Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because +it's past-your-age (pasturage). + +If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the +deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed. + +What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence. + +Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl +kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss). + +Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus +(re-buss). + +Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African +bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning." + +Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it +has so many notions. + +Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently +says, "Try that last run over again." + +What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One +shines at the head, the other at the foot. + +What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement. + +When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes. + +Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he +has too much time on his hands. + +When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his +patients. + +Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter +equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without +foundations. + +Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always +on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!). + +Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the +greatest repeater known to history. + +Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid +of the hook. + +Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses +like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline. + +Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well +dressed. + +Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are +wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only +made light of. + +How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast. + +Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it +we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it. + +Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often +looked over or over-looked. + +Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a +certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus. + +Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress? +Because they are opposed to the motion. + +Why is the aėronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a +successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate. + +Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their +energies to the conquest of the air. + +Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the +State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating. + +Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because +each has lost his pull. + +Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate. + +Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and +puff. + +Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it +without crackers. + +Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know +how to manage the mails (males). + +Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of +waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide). + +What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled +lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum. + +Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because +she is engaged in a kid-napping project. + +What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of +it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb." + +Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man? +Because she husbands her resources. + +Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter +how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never +felt. + +When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled. + +Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the +existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth. + +Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done +with the pen. + +Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want +is carrying out. + +What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet +done? Stop a minute. + +Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off +its guard. + +Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its +turning is the result of conviction. + +Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by +conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most +others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid. + +Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it +out. + +What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance +to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox. + +Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an +auger-ill. + +What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are +"week" days. + +What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the +moment. + +Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an +airy-naught (aėronaut). + +Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because +everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody. + +Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware. + +Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs. + +If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss +the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the +spring, unless he makes a summerset between them. + +What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel +plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a +cruise? She weighs anchor. + +Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close +(clothes) of the week. + +When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one. + +Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings +his own (k)nell. + +What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone. + +Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder? +Because both submit to a forced sail. + +Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one +side and tail's on the other. + +What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. + +Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs +to catch soft water when it rains hard. + +What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it. + +Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches +the age of discretion. + +Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible +means of support. + +What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The +one makes facsimiles, the other sick families. + +Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands +over four feet. + +Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That +the people may not try to drown their losses. + +What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone. + +What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and +yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave. + +Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked +automobile? They've both got flat tire. + +Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up +his plot. + +Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he +immediately removes his weeds. + +Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately +determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall +from his eyes. + +How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by +executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up. + +How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the +faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the +orderly obeys orders from headquarters. + +What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank. + +Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you +a-light. + +Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social +reprobate? Because he's too fast. + +Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a +matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section. + +What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it +has a mile between its first and last letters. + +Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of +feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound +troy. + +What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an +impression. + +Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and +twice eleven is twenty-two (too). + +Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better +than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated. + +That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which +every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice. + +When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes. + +When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms. + +What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp +lighter. + +Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles +in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much. + +When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a +just judge? Because you hear both sides. + +What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and +sentimentally the untied. + +Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be +prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a +will. + +How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres. + +Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's +been operated on. + +Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the +washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye. + +Why is the fresh young upstart like an aėrial postman? Because he's +up and coming. + +Why is an elevator man like an aėronaut? Because his life is all ups +and downs. + +What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row. + +What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more +gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates. + +Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because +everybody's crazy about him. + +Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are +promissory notes. + +When are words musical? When they have a ring to them. + +When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking. + +Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because +of the frequency of whirlwinds there. + +Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always +looking for new stars. + +Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of +an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom. + +When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare. + +When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly. + +When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick. + +When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. + +When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of +knots. + +What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never +sleeps in it? A river. + +Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade? +Because you would get bad habits from him. + +What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his +ropes, the other pitches his tent. + +Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood. + +What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste. + +Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the +art of healing (heeling). + +What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen. + +When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under +consideration. + +Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his +sovereign. + +When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew. + +What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News. + +When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed. + +What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune. + +What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead. + +Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent +wherever it goes. + +What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper. + +What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate. + +When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail). + +Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting +stars. + +What garden crop would save draining? Leeks. + +When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs. + +When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed. + +Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a +great deal bored. + +When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound. + +What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her +own flag. + +What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had +better be sewn (sown). + +Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that +the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the +potatoes and make them self-irrigating. + +Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because +no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal. + +What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The +multiplication table. + +Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen? +Six dozen dozen, of course. + +What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A +hole. + +If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? +A bee-attitude. + +Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any +post. + +Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor +Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if +necessary. + +Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the +morning, and mist at night. + +Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one +side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time. + +And what do they do when they die? Lie still. + +When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance. + +What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will +for the deed. + +Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes +it hollow. + +When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. + +What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. + +Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because +neither is felt. + +Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you +in sunshine. + +Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the +scenter. + +If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he +say? "I have no i-dea." + +When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases. + +Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'. + +Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a +_grain_. + +What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer. + +Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting +on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there. + +What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises +from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_. + +In what color should friendship be kept? In violet. + +What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the +vilest? A lyre. + +How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run. + +Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is +full of notions. + +Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on +swimmingly. + +Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's +add-mir'd. + +Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the +communion. + +Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests. + +Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as +the company does. + +Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies. + +Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you. + +Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes +moving signs. + +Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their +youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get +fleeced at last. + +Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_ +go a great way. + +Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never +starved? Because he's never without a bit. + +Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed +before his master. + +Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good +many achers. + +Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored. + +Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the +ball. + +Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore. + +Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds +the stock in (stocking). + +Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd. + +Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered. + +Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does +it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes +him flatter. + +Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful +young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons). + +Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed +it soon goes. + +What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme. + +When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast. + +Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea +creatur') of great sighs (size). + +How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.: +Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total, +sixteen. + +Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. + +Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never +be Imp o' Light. + +Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman. + +Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people +steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right). + +What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty. + +What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on, +and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing. + +Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from +going too far. + +Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth. + +At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it +strikes one. + +Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay +wherever you put her. + +Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you +never know the value of either until they are put under ground. + +What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you +many good points. + +What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A +catalogue. + +Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails +(males) are tied up in bags. + +What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand +affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a +swell affair. + +Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur). + +What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often +a man and often a woman? A toast. + +How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming +eggs-aspirated (exasperated). + +On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside. + +Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a +cabbage? Because his heart's in his head. + +Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is +ready to give any man a lift. + +Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please. + +Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you. + +Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a +vial in. + +Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his +bill. + +When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he +wears a heavy beard and a mustache. + +Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of +abstraction. + +Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because +it can never be-long to him. + +Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals? +Because he is the querist. + +What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears +shoes, but never had any shoes? A football. + +Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are +numbered. + +What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music. + +Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat +is in tents (intense). + +Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten. + +Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick. + +Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder +(beholder). + +Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are +stationary (stationery). + +Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair). + +Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a +cup. + +Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled +(told). + +What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters. + +How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears +an entire costume; the other simply pants. + +What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If +you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it +takes all the swell out of him. + +If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be +reminded of? A pair (pear). + +Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and +destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients). + +When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a +piano for-tea (forte). + +What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and +the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his +play. + +Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer +(pill for her). + +Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done +quacking. + +Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs, +certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from +egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives). + +Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly +done. + +What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a cock-robin. + +Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their +next world in this (necks twirled). + +By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid +(Adelaide). + +Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always +have a comb about them. + +Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. + +What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, +the other tidy. + +Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep +into the earth. + +Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological +works? Because it was virgin on something serious. + +When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what +bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her +behalf. + +What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One +teaches Miss, the other misteaches. + +When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When +giving a swimming lesson. + +What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up. + +What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at +Court? Influence-sir. + +Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring? +Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep). + +Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door +(adore). + +What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? +The doorknocker. + +Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always +wood (would)--or should be. + +Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall. + +When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy +for a pupil. + +How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their +"presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it. + +What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy. + +What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and +civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form. + +Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a +tail and the dog-star hasn't. + +Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is +let out at night and taken in in the morning. + +Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he +makes both ends meet. + +When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound. + +Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking +those that are dun before you begin. + +Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple? +Because though they are two, yet are they one (won). + +Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of +clay. + +Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite +vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato). + +Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing +there. + +Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y +presentation. + +Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit +of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends +church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary. + +If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would +embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?). + +Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because +she reels and spins. + +In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down? +In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not +setters. + +What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what +other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it, +and for the swallow, of course. + +Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have +married more women than they can support, and would like to marry +more. + +In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the +law and profits (prophets). + +What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon. + +Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he +is _above_ doing a mean action. + +"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and +never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear +(deer) departed. + +What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one +if she lives long enough. + +What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It is a vain (vane) +thing to a-spire." + +What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same? +The postman. + +Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young +clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy. + +Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very +virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander +(propaganda). + +Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually +selling that which he kneads himself. + +Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him. + +Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east +makes everything rise. + +What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons? +Their being too long. + +What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some. + +Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because +when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller). + +What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One +clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par. + +Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight. + +When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice. + +Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup. + +What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater. + +When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the +leaves. + +Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_ +of their own. + +Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind. + +Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the +heavens for centuries. + +What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road. + +What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain? +One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. + +Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress. + +How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been +to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full. + +Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if +you catch it. + +Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann +Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth. + +How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By +proposing to Bridge-it. + +Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an +application. + +Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he +would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated. + +State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because +he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the +face. + +Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly +squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass. + +When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in +it). + +Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose). + +When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the +currants. + +Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the +chaps off. + +Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they +keep the sparks off. + +In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned +curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry). + +Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry? +Because they have a gall on a bier between them. + +What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day. + +Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both +occasioned the fall of man. + +On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates, +soles, an' (h)eels. + +In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In +polly-silly-bills. + +Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons +for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram. + +What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey. + +Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet. + +Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel. + +Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts. + +What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel. + +Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a +dinner. + +What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts. + +When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When +there is not a _single_ person in it. + +Of what trade is the sun? A tanner. + +When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a +man-of-war. + +When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate. + +When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer. + +When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy. + +When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy +swell. + +When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore. + +When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little +cove. + +When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow. + +Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants +legs. + +Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on +ropes and poles, and thrives. + +If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? +Against his inclination. + +Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's +farthest from the bark. + +Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins +by breaking. + +What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see +again? Yesterday. + +What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day. + +What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence +of body. + +Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure +to be run over by carriages and automobiles. + +Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful +as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be +very ancient. + +What is the superlative of temper? Tempest. + +On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day. + +What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn. + +What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as +soon as it is obtained? A good appetite. + +If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly. + +Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you +never see two of them together. + +Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit. + +Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting +from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out? +Out of the hole. + +What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? +One uses wax candles and the other dips. + +Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as +stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). + +What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? +Daylight. + +Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much +water. + +Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an +oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread. + +Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket. + +What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and +waistcoat first. + +What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids. + +With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves. + +Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the +course that they take, but not the source whence they spring. + +When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart +(sweetheart). + +Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of +mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than +getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than +nothing. + +At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of +his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives). + +Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because +there are always so many people picking pockets there. + +When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. + +Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would. + +Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied +until their works are "hung on the line." + +Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? +Because he is no better (bettor). + +Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you +pass through. + +Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will +then have his leg at ease (legatees). + +What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? +A bald head. + +Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late +(scintillate). + +Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they +die late (dilate). + +A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what +you do in everything--excel (XL)." + +Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because, +though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect +on you. + +Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley +(valet). + +What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush. + +What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it. + +Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and +no end. + +Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's? +Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes +matrimony. + +Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what +she seams (seems). + +When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When +he has a stitch in his side. + +Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to +each of them. + +What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer +gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers. + +If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would +she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus). + +What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To +get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry). + +How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that +they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they +are only miss givings (misgivings). + +Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long +enough before he gets another. + +What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it +was never seen before. + +Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his +business makes him sell-fish. + +Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the +center of gravity. + +What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper. + +Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make +the shells burst on the kernel (colonel). + +Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the +point of a tack (attack). + +What is the best material for kites? Flypaper. + +What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is +certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led. + +When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it +back-bites. + +What is a button? A small event that is always coming off. + +What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony. + +What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the +earth. + +What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end. + +What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson. + +Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a +_fare_ thing. + +Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station. + +What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled. + +What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon +one, and stand upon the other. + +How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers. + +What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive. + +Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very +often. + +How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the +_Olympic_? Courtship. + +Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun? +Because it is too much for a charge. + +When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When +he is out under arms. + +When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap. + +Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing +dinner." + +Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an +ex-actor. + +Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, +for he is beset by the "devil." + +How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because +she's taking a part (taken apart). + +Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters +and reports time. + +Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he +has to pay an alimony (an alley-money). + +Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher? +Because her pupils are kept in the dark. + +Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers' +comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket). + +Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because +they both fail to become rich. + +Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on +horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein). + +Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose +treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the +receiver is as bad as the thief. + +Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at +drawing houses. + +Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for +her cheek. + +Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching. + +Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing +better to kiss, and men have. + +If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss. + +Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists? +Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to +make a match with a man twice their own size any day. + +When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing +it. + +When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without +kissing them. + +How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size). + +When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a +measure. + +Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly. + +Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is +per-jury. + +Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the +more they are with them. + +What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and +broken? Pieces. + +What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after +dinner? A different one. + +What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators. + +What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination. + +Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over +sleepers. + +What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl. + +What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission. + +What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an +e-lix-ir (he licks her). + +What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child? +One pours with rain, the other roars with pain. + +What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted. + +What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes. + +What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread +being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is +the mother of invention." + +What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a +cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes, +and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her +head. + +What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty +daughter. + +Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a +representative. + +Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to +get off. + +When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged. + +Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises. + +Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest) +now. + +Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he +does not feel well. + +If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A +little London porter. + +Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has +ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk. + +Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken, +and his locks are few. + +What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A +cup and saucer (saw, sir!). + +Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper +and the running vine. + +Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a +reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring. + +What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other. + +Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no +bigger tree (bigotry) there. + +Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told +(tolled). + +Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend +on their pumps. + +Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons. + +Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons. + +What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two? +Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion). + +Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet. + +When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts. + +What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often. + +What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands +before its face, and runs down its own works. + +When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down. + +Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver +till her bow comes, and can't go off without one. + +Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and +defective. + +What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out; +which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands. + +What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One +minds his peas, the other his cues. + +What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The +tongue. + +Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can +shut them up without giving offense. + +Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a +sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be +sold. + +Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by +auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in. + +Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? +Because he has picked yours (pictures). + +Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but +meer-shams. + +Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation +with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary. + +What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens. + +Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's +broken. + +How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their +breeches. + +Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? +Because he departs from his sphere of action. + +When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms. + +Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're +exposed to the fire they run. + +When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers +are all in quarters. + +Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted. + +What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen. + +Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties? +Because hops produce great bitterness. + +What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas. + +Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons. + +What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your +addresses. + +When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously) +obtained. + +Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of +Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would +men should do unto them. + +Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because +you un-buzz-'em (unbosom). + +When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to +another. + +When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a +goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt +her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner. + +What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is +killed and then cured. + +Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if +you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk. + +Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs. + +What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is +for the first born, the other for the last bourn. + +Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? +Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head. + +What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are +ashes still. + +If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say? +Tree, mend us (tremendous). + +When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its +length. + +Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the +ears. + +Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent +singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald). + +Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious). + +What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill). + +When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass. + +What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? +They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without +talking. + +What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not +pay your water rates. + +What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims). + +When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it? +When it has a hole in it. + +What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is +blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black. + +What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? +The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead). + +Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova +before it comes to life. + +When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put +in the corner to make him stick to his letters. + +What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster? +One minds the train, the other trains the mind. + +When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws +(clause) into the Bill of another member. + +What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's +food. + +Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his +tail, otherwise his tail would wag him. + +Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant +(current). + +When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably. + +When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive +from you at the same time? A key to your feelings. + +Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off +the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and +passes over the plain. + +What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction. + +Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the +men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs. + +How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting +their faces against them. + +Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who +can decline Matrimony. + +Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark. + +Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it. + +Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the +felloes around it are tired. + +Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty +to perform. + +What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at +the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its +clauses. + +What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows. + +When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round. + +When does the House of Representatives present one of the most +ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its +noes (nose) on the other. + +What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives? +Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act. + +Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass. + +What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you +lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick. + +Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will +be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation. + +When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the +reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the +congregation. + +When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_ +husband. + +Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one; +because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects +of adoration. + +Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because +it's ever-last-in' (everlasting). + +Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very +good. + +Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon? +He's tor'd his clothes. + +Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your +pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases. + +Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of +blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the +bull rushes out. + +What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches +wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe. + +What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a +cupper, the other a sorcerer. + +What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become +terra-pins. + +Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails. + +Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen +through, and shut up. + +Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring. + +What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room. + +What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement. + +What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters +the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat. + +Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's +chicken-hearted. + +Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would +be in fowl language. + +Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower +garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture). + +Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them +here (hear). + +What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more +than yourself? Your name. + +What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet +does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. + +When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped +up in himself. + +What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's. + +Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better +tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense). + +What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl. + +Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'. + +When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists +(tourists). + +What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the +lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of +the larva. + +Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young +lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup). + +Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to +sea (see). + +What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them. + +Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money. + +Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker +than the mail (male) intelligence. + +If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose +another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain. + +What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then +to ex-POUND it. + +What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery. + +Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as +of words. + +Why does a young man study law? To get on. + +Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor. + +Why does he leave the profession? To get honest. + +What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist +on earth, the other is missed in heaven. + +Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come). + +Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a +gal(l)on. + +How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a +wig. + +Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left. +Noise. + +Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always +crossing the line, and going from pole to pole. + +What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence. + +What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody +else? Your word. + +What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go +round with the world. + +What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he +takes? The snuffers. + +Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are +continually passing between them. + +What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. + +Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because +he's a Jew-ill. + +Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is +lost upon him. + +What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A +pack of cards. + +What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky +(croquet). + +What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What +does y-e-s spell? + +What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a +knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty). + +If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he +had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale) +unfold." + +What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows +some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A +newspaper. + +Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and +reviews. + +What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur? +Chin-chilly (chinchilla). + +Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because +they always manage to accomplish their own ends. + +Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House, +where you can get a duck for a dime. + +Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy +bred (bread). + +What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs. + +When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his +pigs? When he has a sty in his eye. + +What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch. + +Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though +the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent +(a parent). + +What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft. + +What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare. + +Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew +(blue) and the waters rose. + +How does a ray of light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way. + +What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store? +Muslin (muzzling). + +When does English butter become Irish butter? When it is made into +little _Pats_. + +Which is the most ancient of trees? The elder tree. + +Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt. + +Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example? +Because they practice their professions. + +Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel? +Because it is for a-tone-ment. + +Why is a good pun like a good cat? Because it requires pause (paws). + +Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? Because it makes a man's +mouth water. + +Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full? +Because it is a pitiful house. + +Why is a fortified town like a pudding? Because it's often batter'd. + +Why does a tallow chandler live better than another man? Because he +lives on the fat of the land. + +Why is a water lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to +blow. + +Why is a resolution like a looking glass? Because it is so easily +broken. + +Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in +either case it is a feint (faint). + +When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? +When at the opera, as then they are in tiers. + +When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. + +Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has +tendrils, and then shoots. + +Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person +with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never +for-giving. + +Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they +are left off'uns (orphans). + +What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims +the milk, the other the water. + +Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no +attention to the swells that follow her. + +What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose. + +Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you +till it drops. + +Which travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can easily +catch cold. + +What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed. + +I am forever, yet was never. Eternity. + +Which eat more grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are +more of them. + +Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the +game alive. + +What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse. + +In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the +sixth? In that sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is +Sabbath night). + +Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains). + +On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a +house? If it became-brick (be cambric). + +Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't +answer. + +Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil +under the lash. + +Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes +blew. + +When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving. + +Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill? +Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser). + +Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's +re-wiving. + +When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery? +When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth. + +Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean? +Because, although they may correspond, they never meet. + +What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age. + +State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and +an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the +other pounds away. + +Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered +underground. + +When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When +she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she +replies, "Sure, it's ate." + +Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because +you would be making game of him. + +Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair +o' fins). + +When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is +put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away. + +Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it +becomes. + +What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One +makes acorns, the other makes corns ache. + +Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique +(blows so bleak). + +What is the difference between a _premičre danseuse_ and a duck? One +goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her +beautiful eggs. + +What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a +billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. + +Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo. + +When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of +hand by refusing you. + +Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it +is seldom let alone. + +Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down +in the mouth. + +What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry). + +Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the +pasty must be made of dough (doe). + +Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done, +cannot be helped. + +Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is +impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well. + +Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly +married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize +ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible. + +What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y). + +Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur' +(detonator). + +What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash +man ate a rasher. + +What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree. + +How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their +trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing. + +What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots +from the eye, the other from the shoulder. + +What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None +at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur +(spectator). + +What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye? +One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring. + +Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they +are warranted to wash--and keep color. + +Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but +never wanted. + +Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are +accustomed to bare arms. + +What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the +other heads. + +What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The +difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg +whipped to go froth. + +Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a +negro-man-sir (necromancer). + +What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His +tongue. + +What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit +box. + +Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his +own hand. + +Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup +(catch up). + +Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not +be too stringy. + +Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because +it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one. + +What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel. + +If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to +you? Your mother. + +Of what profession is every child? A player. + +Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no +scruples. + +Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the +full moon is as light again. + +Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit. + +When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift. + +What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people? +Colum-bus. + +Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows +an open countenance in the act of taking you in. + +When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When +he hasn't paid for his wig. + +What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a +bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the +second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the +fourth has a hairy parent. + +When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him +nothing to take. + +Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener +they come the longer they stay. + +Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a +fellow feeling for another. + +When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm muff in. + +Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is +a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail. + +Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come +home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's +always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood. + +What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One +bayonets, the other nets a bay. + +What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet). + +What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One +baits his hook, the other hates his book. + +What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables +to them? Quick and short. + +What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man). + +Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. + +What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical). + +What becomes every woman? A blush. + +Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets? +Because they go two-two-two. + +What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one? +The wedding-ring. + +What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it. + +What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt. + +Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a +filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters +behind to settle. + +Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills +are all over dew (overdue). + +What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man +who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the +other is dined and sated. + +What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That +recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he +threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. + +How should love come to the door? With a ring. + +If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he +name? Any money (anemone). + +When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an +understanding between them. + +Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the +muscles. + +Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter +(support her). + +Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good +for nothing. + +What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father +(farther). + +When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. + +Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you +see from pole to pole. + +What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax. + +Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory. + +Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three +and carries one. + +Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash. + +What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear. + +Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in +water. + +Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green. + +What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it +up. + +What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet +which you often give up? A conundrum. + +What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's +son? His daughter. + +If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is +his grandfather. + +When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it. + +Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it +for him. + +When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists. + +What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the +water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head. + +How many peas in a pint? One. + +When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. + +How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means. + +Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his +calves there. + +Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a +cat-a-pillow (caterpillar). + +What is it that every man overlooks? His nose. + +Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because +they have eyes to see what they are doing. + +What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull? +"Blow the horns!" + +Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but +only what comes between them. + +What have feet and walk not? Stoves. + +What have eyes and see not? Potatoes. + +What have noses but smell not? Teapots. + +What have hands but work not? Clocks. + +What have mouths but eat not? Rivers. + +What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks. + +What have tongues but talk not? Wagons. + +Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us. + +What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow. + +What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste. + +Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great +pull. + +If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the +quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose. + +If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the +table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks +round. + +Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle). + +Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself. + +Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the +largest head. + +When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a +meadow. + +What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives +milk and the other gives whey (way). + +What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip. + +When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has +her hands where her feet ought to be. + +Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an +airy-nought (aėronaut). + +Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out. + +Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness? +Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar). + +What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta +percha). + +Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The +crane. + +Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances? +Because they are always on cord (encored). + +What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y; +for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other, +are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to +look out of, while the former looks out for mankind. + +When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a +little Indian in it. + +What part of a fish weighs most? The scales. + +What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A +fountain. + +Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because +it is easier to preach than to practice. + +Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane). + +Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round +the waste (waist). + +Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent +disturbance. + +What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the +honey, and the other all the whacks (wax). + +Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms. + +Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen? +Because they live by hook and by crook. + +What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary +birds. + +What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane. + +Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery. + +Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great. + +Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid. + +Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel +(kernel). + +Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full. + +What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part. + +Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked. + +Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark. + +What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque). + +Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable +is reasonable after _t_. + +Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing. + +Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand. + +What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. + +What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish. + +What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy. + +What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to +dress, the other dresses to kill. + +Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two +fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity). + +A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; +how was this? He had two--and one smelt. + +If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton +of coal come to? To ashes. + +Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because +he's always on the strike for wages. + +Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup? +Because it is a liquidation of stock. + +Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never +wants one. + +What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One +has feeling, the other is felt. + +What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars. + +What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. + +How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of +black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New +York. + +Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in? +Because the cabman always drives over your head. + +Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is +uttered but not allowed. + +Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear. + +What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out. + +Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good +retort. + +Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting +affection. + +What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One +is hard up and the other soft down. + +What comes after cheese? Mouse. + +Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his +policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view. + +When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes +a roll in bed. + +When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard). + +Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce. + +Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because +she's a-mounting (a mountain). + +Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does +write (right) by itself. + +Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex? +Because they are the weaker vessels. + +At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable +kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. + +When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft. + +What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve +ounces in one pound. + +What makes a pair of boots? Two boots. + +What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. + +Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded +vessel? Because he runs a-ground. + +Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the +mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life. + +Why is the engineer of a train like an aėronaut? Because he +frequently slows down. + +Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race +course? Because there is always a bettor. + +When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate. + +What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never +existed, and still has a name? Nothing. + +Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes? +Because it is matchless. + +Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by +the directions of strangers. + +What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no +use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise. + +Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes +around doing good. + +Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) +everything. + +What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because +he's got one to wag. + +What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides +a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air. + +When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark. + +When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked. + +When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late +(a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked. + +What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and +cannon-eers. + +Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman. + +Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the +sooner it is put out the better. + +When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water). + +What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright. + +What trade is more than full? Fuller. + +Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it +is an invisible force. + +When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass. + +Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot. + +How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow). + +What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? +The drum. + +What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet +feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to +come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent +to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no +resentment when the reproof is given? A clock. + +Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his +peas and coos. + +When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing +(teething). + +Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student? +Because it is about to enter the ministry. + +What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog. + +When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale +(pail). + +When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish). + +What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is +for-bidding. + +When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field +(a wry). + +What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe. + +Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because +they are always on the watch. + +Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is +a foul proceeding. + +What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to +be pitted by the small-pox. + +What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks. + +What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids. + +What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give +satisfaction." + +Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course. + +What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half. + +Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by +falling due (dew). + +What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss. + +What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring. + +Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a +hiding of the son (sun). + +When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end. + +Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful +actress? Because she's the leading lady. + +Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he +offers a horn to every one he meets. + +When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns. + +How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail. + +What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass. + +Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he +is silent. + +Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it +reduces the speed of autos. + +Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always +pursuing his studies. + +Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear +lawn dresses (were laundresses). + +Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain +may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman). + +If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two +in the shade. + +What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A +portrait. + +What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark. + +What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly +gone). + +Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney. + +Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding. + +How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated. + +At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. + +Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. + +What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper. + +What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of +paint. + +Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon +with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set +before him. + +Why is a book like a king? It has many pages. + +What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth. + +What fruit is on a cent? A date. + +Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer +they cling. + +Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater +the ruin. + + +ECHOES + +What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write. + +What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System. + +What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light. + +What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace. + +Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations. + +Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire. + +What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake +her. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS + + + My first makes company, + My second shuns company, + My third assembles company, + My whole puzzles company. + Co-nun-drum. + +My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at +all. Thoughtless. + +I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured myself. A +candle. + +I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but a tick. A clock. + +You can hang me on the wall, but if you take me down, you cannot hang +me up again. Wall paper. + +In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate. In-sat-i-ate. + + May my first never be lost in my second, + To prevent me from enjoying my whole. + Friendship. + +My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not. +Love-lie (Lovely). + +My first is a prop, my second also is a prop, and my whole is a prop +as well. Footstool. + +Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; scratch my back, and I'm nobody. A +mirror. + +By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you +will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole. Past-time. + +When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only +person to give me my whole. Hearts-ease. + +Why is the emblem of America more lasting than that of France, +England, Ireland, or Scotland? + + The lily may fade, and its leaves decay, + The rose from its stem may sever; + Shamrock and thistle may pass away, + But the stars shall shine for ever. + + Read see that me but not my got + Up shall I love if me love for- + And you love you that love for be + Down and you if you do you shall + Read up and down and you shall see. + + Can you tell me why + A hypocrite's eye + Can better descry + Than you or I + On how many toes + A pussy-cat goes? + + A man of deceit + Can best count-er-feit; + And so, I suppose, + Can best count her toes. + + My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door; + My second is made into cakes and a bun; + My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore; + My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors + of the United States is very often indeed called one. + Mat-ry(e)-money. + +Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding conundrum? Because +he's averse to matrimony. + + By equal division, I know I am right; + The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight. + VIII + XIII, ----, VIII + AIII + + [Transcriber's note: The letter A is used here to represent + the lower half of the letter X, originally shown by an + upside down V.] + + I came to a field and couldn't get through it; + So I went to school and learned how to do it. + Fence. + + Legs have I got, but seldom walk, + I backbite all, yet never talk. + A flea. + + I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it; + But those who are in, entirely are out of it. + Sane; insane. + + Formed long ago, yet made to-day, + I'm most employed while others sleep; + What none would like to give away, + Yet no one likes to keep. + Bed. + + My first of anything is half, + My second is complete; + And so remains until once more + My first and second meet. + Semi-circle. + + Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, + Who is that highly favored man, + Who, though he has married many a wife, + May still live single all his life? + A clergyman. + + Great numbers do our use despise, + But yet, at last they find, + Without our help in many things, + They might as well be blind. + Spectacles. + + My love for you will never know + My first, nor yet my second; + 'Tis like your wit and beauty, so + My whole 'twill aye be reckoned. + End-less. + + As I was going through a field of wheat, + I found something good to eat; + It wasn't fish or flesh or bone; + I kept it till it ran alone. + An egg. + + There's a word composed of three letters alone + Which reads backwards and forwards the same, + It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, + And to beauty lays principal claim. + Eye. + + We travel much, yet pris'ners are, + And close confined to boot; + We with the swiftest horse keep pace, + Yet always go on foot. + A pair of spurs. + + My first doth affliction denote, + Which my second is destined to feel; + But my whole is the sure antidote + That affliction to soothe and to heal. + Wo-man. + + Those who take me improve, be their task what it may, + Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day; + I am hated alike by the foolish and wise, + Yet without me none ever to eminence rise. + Pains. + + Your initials begin with an A, + You've an A at the end of your name, + The whole of your name is an A, + And it's backwards and forwards the same. + Anna. + + Ever running on my race, + Never staying at one place, + Through the world I make my tour, + Everywhere at the same hour. + If you please to spell my name, + Reversed or forward it's the same. + Noon. + + You name me once, and I am famed + For deeds of noble daring; + You name me twice, and I am found + In savage customs sharing. + Tar-tar. + +What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with +its root upwards? An icicle. + + Water soft is my first, water hard is my second, + Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd. + Liquor-ice (licorice). + + From a number that's odd cut off the head, + It then will even be. + Its tail, I pray, next take away, + Your mother then you'll see. + Seven--even--Eve. + + My first is of illustrious line, + Of beauteous form and face divine; + Which when my second does assail, + Both form and beauty then do fail; + My whole an arduous task to do + With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue. + Man-age. + + A stranger comes from foreign shores, + Perchance to seek relief; + Curtail him, and you find his tale + Unworthy of belief; + Curtailed again, you recognize + An old Egyptian chief. + Alien--a lie--Ali. + + An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet, + Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate; + And when he set off running, an Irishman was he; + Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree. + Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant. + + Ere Adam was, my early days began; + I ape each creature, and resemble man; + I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass, + Nor leave the least impression where I pass; + Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt, + Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt, + Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night + You'll quickly find me out by candlelight. + Shadow. + + 'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell, + And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell; + On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest, + And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed. + 'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder, + Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder. + 'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath, + Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death; + It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health, + Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth. + In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found, + Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned. + In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care, + But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir. + 'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear, + 'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear. + Without it the soldier and sailor may roam, + But woe to the wretch who expels it from home! + So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower: + Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour! + The letter "H." + + +STORIES + +How do you punctuate the sentence, "I saw a five-dollar bill on the +street?" Make a dash after it. + +There was a carpenter who made a cupboard door; it proved too big. He +cut it, and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it +again, and made it fit beautifully. How was this? He did not cut it +enough the first time. + +There are twelve birds in a covey. A hunter kills a brace, then how +many remain? None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly away. + +A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he could see more with one eye +than his friend could with two. How was this? Because he saw his +friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one. + +A hunter and his dog went out hunting. The dog went not behind, went +not before, nor on one side of him. Where did he go? On the other +side. + +Which would you rather--look a greater fool than you are, or be a +greater fool than you look? (Let the person choose, then say, "That +is impossible.") + +Which would you rather--that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you +would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course. + +A man stopped before the window of a trunk store; within, a large +trunk was marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one "$15.00," and a small +one bore the placard, "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the man said, +and walked on. + +A man was crossing a bridge over a small stream, and noticed a sign +which read, "Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, and walked on. + + +AGE CONTEST + +What age will people reach if they live long enough? Dotage. + +To what age do most people look forward? Marriage. + +A necessary attribute of a soldier? Courage. + +What age is required at sea? Tonnage. + +What age are we forbidden to worship? Image. + +What age do people get stuck on? Mucilage. + +What age is neither more nor less? Average. + +What is the age of profanity? Damage. + +At what age will vessels ride safely? Anchorage. + +What age does the infant in arms pass through? Crib-bage. + +What age does the small boy enjoy? Sauce-age (sausage). + +What age is the young lady most interested in? Garb-age. + +What age does the child in primary school dislike? Ad(d)-age. + +What age does the bride desire? Dotage. + +What age is necessary for a clergyman? Parsonage. + +What is the age of communication? Postage. + +What age is most important to travelers? Mileage. + +What is the age of slavery? Bondage. + +What age is served for breakfast? Sausage. + +What is the most indigestible age? Cabbage. + +What age signifies the farmer? Tillage. + +What age belongs to travelers? Baggage. + +What age is an indication of wealth? Acreage. + +What age do milliners delight in? Plumage. + +What age is shared by a doctor and a lawyer? Patronage. + +What age is used in turkey stuffing? (S)age. + +What age do a number of people enjoy in common? Village. + + +ANT CONTEST + +What is the oldest ant? Adam-ant. + +What ant hires his home? Tenant. + +What ant is joyful? Jubilant. + +What ant is learned? Savant. + +What ant is well informed? Conversant. + +What ant is trustworthy? Confidant. + +What ant is proud? Arrogant. + +What ant sees things? Observant. + +What ant is angry? Indignant. + +What ant tells things? Informant. + +What ant is successful? Triumphant. + +What ant is an officer? Commandant. + +What ant is a beggar? Mendicant. + +What ant is obstinate? Defiant. + +What ant is youngest? Infant. + +What is the ruling ant? Dominant. + +What is the wandering ant? Errant. + +What ant lives in a house? Occupant. + +What ant points out things? Significant. + +What ant is prayerful? Supplicant. + + +CITY CONTEST + +What city is for few people? Scarcity. + + Happy people? Felicity. + + Hypocrites? Duplicity. + + Chauffeurs? Velocity. + + Truthful people? Veracity. + + Athletes? Elasticity. + + Greedy people? Voracity. + + Wild beasts? Ferocity. + + Home lovers? Domesticity. + + Actors? Publicity. + + Reporters? Audacity. + + Wise people? Sagacity. + + Hungry people? Capacity. + + Telegraph operators? Electricity. + + Crowds? Multiplicity. + + Nations? Reciprocity. + + Old people? Eccentricity. + + Beggars? Mendicity. + + Unhappy people? Infelicity. + + Office-seekers? Pertinacity. + + +THE END + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. 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Ordway; an eBook from Project Gutenberg</title> + <style type="text/css"> + /* <![CDATA[ */ +body { + margin: auto 20%; +} + +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; + clear: both; +} + +p { + margin: .85em auto; + text-align: justify; +} + +hr { + width: 33%; + margin: 2em auto; + clear: both; +} + +table { + margin-left: 5%; +} + +.pagenum { + /*visibility: hidden;*/ + color: #999; + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + font-variant: normal; + font-weight: normal; + text-transform: none; + text-decoration: none; +} /* page numbers */ + +.blockquot { + margin: auto 8%; +} + +em { + font-style: italic; + font-weight: normal; + text-decoration: none; + font-variant: normal; +} + +.center { text-align: center; } +.smcap { font-variant: small-caps; font-style: normal; } +.caps { text-transform: uppercase; } +.smaller { font-size: smaller; } +.larger { font-size: larger; } + +/* Images */ +img { border: 1px solid black; } + +.figcenter { + margin: auto; + text-align: center; +} + +/* Footnotes */ +.footnote { margin: auto 20%; font-size: 0.9em; } +.footnote .label { margin: auto 1em; } + +.fnanchor { + /*vertical-align: super;*/ + font-size: 80%; + text-decoration: none; +} + +/* Poetry */ +.poem { margin: auto 5%; text-align: left; } +.poem br { display: none; } +.poem .stanza { margin: 1em 0em 0em 0em; } +.poem span { display: block; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em; } +.poem span.i0 { margin-left: 0em; } +.poem span.i1 { margin-left: 1em; } +.poem span.i2 { margin-left: 2em; } + +/***/ + +.trnote { + font-family: sans-serif; + background-color: #ccc; + color: #000; + border: black 1px dotted; + margin: 2em 10%; + padding: .6em; +} +.trnote ul li { list-style-type: none; } + +.toc { margin: 0 25% auto 25%; padding-top: 0; padding-right: 2em; font-variant: small-caps; } +p.toc { margin-bottom: 0; padding-bottom: 0; padding-top: .5em; } +.toc li { list-style-type: upper-roman; } +.toc .num { position: absolute; right: 34%; top: auto; font-variant: normal; } +.toc .smcap { font-variant: small-caps; } + +p.theend { text-align: center; margin-top: 2em; text-transform: lowercase; font-variant: small-caps; } +.topmarg { margin-top: 4em; } +.sig { margin-left: 80%; } + +hr.chapbreak { width: 25%; } +hr.tb, .w65 { width: 65%; } +.w15 { width: 15%; } + +a.corr { /*border-bottom: 1px dotted #333;*/ } + +h1 { letter-spacing: .1em; } +h2 { line-height: 150%; } +table.xiii { border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0; text-align: center; } +.viii { border-bottom: solid 1px #000; } +p.answer { margin-top: 0; padding-left: 8em; } +span.answer { padding-left: .6em; } +.answer { /*color: #fff;*/ } /* uncomment to hide the answers to the riddles */ + + /* ]]> */ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Handbook of Conundrums + +Author: Edith B. Ordway + +Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<div class="trnote"> +<h2>Transcriber's note</h2> +<p>Obvious punctuation errors have been repaired silently. + Word errors have been corrected and a <a href="#trcorrections">list + of corrections</a> can be found after the book.</p> +<p class="center">Skip to the <a href="#CONTENTS">Table of Contents</a>.</p> +</div> + +<div class="figcenter"><img alt="Book cover" src="images/cover.jpg" width="382" height="585" /></div> + +<hr class="w65" /> + +<h1 class="caps">The Handbook<br /> +of<br /> +Conundrums</h1> + +<p class="center caps topmarg">by</p> + +<h2 class="caps">Edith B. Ordway</h2> + +<p class="center smcap">Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and +"Synonyms and Antonyms."</p> + +<p class="center caps topmarg"><span class="smaller">New York</span><br /> +George Sully and Company</p> + +<hr class="w65" /> + + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1914, by</span><br /> +SULLY and KLEINTEICH</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright, 1915, by</span><br /> +SULLY and KLEINTEICH</p> + +<hr class="w15" /> + +<p class="center">All rights reserved</p> + +<p class="center caps smaller topmarg">Printed in U. S. A.</p> + +<hr class="w65" /> + + +<h2>PREFACE</h2> + + +<p>This book presents a grindstone whereon +the reader may whet his wits. It is of sufficient +hardness to resist the coarsest metal of +broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness +of grain to edge the best steel of fancy.</p> + +<p>Like all grindstones, though its form is +new, its ingredients are of remote origin. +It has whetted many English and American +blades for the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, +in places, somewhat worn. There is, +however, much absolutely fresh surface.</p> + +<p>Any blade of fine temper properly ground +upon it is warranted to cleave to the dividing +asunder of such subtle distinctions as that +between humorsome stupidity and precise +wit, and that between the wit of laughter +only and the wit of insight.</p> + +<p class="sig">E. B. O.</p> + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_vii" id="Page_vii">[Pg vii]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION</h2> + + +<p>A conundrum is a riddle in the form of +a question, the answer to which involves a +pun. Originally the term was applied to any +quaint expression. It is thus, in its modern +form, a union of the elaborated riddle and +the impromptu pun.</p> + +<p>With the earliest development of intelligence +came the discovery of likeness and +difference in things, and the search for analogy +was carried out along both sensible and +absurd lines, the latter drifting into a double +analogy of thought and form, of which the +conundrum is the logical product.</p> + +<p>The literatures of all peoples contain the +riddle, which might be witty or serious as +impulse prompted. All bright and clever +minds have seen the possibilities of the pun, +and so common is it as an impromptu form +of wit among keen people, so general the +temptation to fall into it, that it is looked +upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for thought, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_viii" id="Page_viii">[Pg viii]</a></span> +which often prevents it from finishing its +course.</p> + +<p>The conundrum has, however, an ancient +and honorable lineage, and, while not often +given its precise form in conversation or +anecdote, is readily adapted to the permanent +embodiment of those flashes of wit +which enlighten and cheer.</p> + +<p>The ability to guess and to propound riddles +was held in high respect in early times. +Men of great physical prowess were expected +to guess riddles to prove their mental +prowess, and many were the contests of this +sort which were held. The stakes in these +contests were very high,—often life or +honor. In Norse mythology the prize of +such a contest was once the daughter of the +god Thor; in another the life of the giant +Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to +win in competition with the god Odin.</p> + +<p>So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, +a maiden saves herself from an evil +spirit by successfully guessing his riddles. +Among many primitive peoples the game of +riddle-reading was played with opposing +sides, each headed by a champion, and with +bets staked on the outcome. Often in ballads +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_ix" id="Page_ix">[Pg ix]</a></span> +and folklore the hero's escape from +death and final triumph hinge upon the +guessing of a riddle.</p> + +<p>The Semitic people held in high regard +the power to read riddles, and this power, +as in the story of Solomon, blends with the +higher intelligence which makes for wisdom.</p> + +<p>Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew +conundrums is that of Samson, the strong +of intellect as of body, who, when he found +the honey which the wild bees had placed in +the carcass of a lion, read to the Philistines +this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth +meat, and out of the strong came forth +sweetness."</p> + +<p>Among the Greeks and Romans, as +among earlier peoples, all forms of wit and +play of word and fancy were tried and popular. +D'Israeli, in his "Curiosities of Literature," +records that "It is certain that +Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he +seems to have been more ready with them +than with repartees."</p> + +<p>The story of the famous riddle of the +Sphinx comes down from Greek mythology. +The city of Thebes was infested by a monster +having the body of a lion and the upper +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_x" id="Page_x">[Pg x]</a></span> +part of a woman. She lay crouching upon +a rock near a narrow pass which led to the +city, and propounded to all travelers a riddle, +allowing all who guessed to pass safely, +but killing all who failed. The uniform failure +of all who came, and their subsequent +slaughter, made great lamentation in the +city. Œdipus, the unacknowledged son of +the King of Thebes, who had shortly before +unknowingly killed his father, undertook to +rid the city of the monster. He boldly confronted +the Sphinx, who asked him the riddle, +"What animal is it that in the morning +goes on four feet, at noon on two, and in +the evening upon three?" Œdipus replied, +"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands +and knees, in manhood walks erect, and in +old age goes with the aid of a staff."<a name="FNanchor_1" id="FNanchor_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> The +Sphinx thereupon cast herself from the +rock and perished, and the Thebans made +Œdipus king.</p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_1" id="Footnote_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature +and in Art" (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911).</p></div> + +<p>There is one age-old riddle, still current +in Brittany, Germany, and Gascony, about +which the tradition hovers that Homer died +with vexation at not being able to discover +the answer. It is, "What we caught we +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xi" id="Page_xi">[Pg xi]</a></span> +threw away, what we could not catch we +kept."</p> + +<p>Early folklore riddles dealt with natural +phenomena. With the Wolofs the riddle of +the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests +never?" The Teutonic form was, "What +can go in the face of the sun, yet leave no +shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa +ask: "What is wingless and legless, yet +flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and +answer, "The voice."</p> + +<p>The oldest English riddles extant are +among the fragments found in "The Exeter +Book." These date back to the eighth century +and were written in Northumbria. +While these are not conundrums in the modern +sense, they are very elaborate studies of +analogy, and contain some of the most +imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry.</p> + +<p>In the early half of the <a class="corr" name="TC_1" id="TC_1" title="seventeeth">seventeenth</a> century +there were published several small +books, which contain the sources of many of +the conundrums of the present day. These +books have been brought together by W. +Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's +Jest-Books" (London, 1864). The +dates of these books are variously 1600, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xii" id="Page_xii">[Pg xii]</a></span> +1630, 1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, +with occasional dialogue, and approaches +that of the conundrum, and the wit +though far from subtle is often effective. +Though the names of the authors of some of +these books are known, the authorship of +others is in doubt. They were to a considerable +extent not attributable to one man, +but were the bright sayings of the day.</p> + +<p>The first chapter of the present volume, +entitled "Early English Wit," brings together, +in modernized form, some of the +brightest of these sayings. The strangest +thing about such a collection is to discover of +what antiquity some current conundrums are. +That is notably true of one taken from "Demaundes +Joyous," printed by Wynkyn de +Worde in 1511, namely:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"><p> +"<i>Demaund.</i> How many straws go to a +goose's nest?<br /> +<span class="answer">"<i>A.</i> None, for lack of feet.</span> +</p></div> + +<p>Besides the puns which may be made +within a language itself, through the variety +of meanings of words and the similarity of +sound in different words, there is a certain +class of hybrid puns and conundrums which +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiii" id="Page_xiii">[Pg xiii]</a></span> +is made by the interchange of languages. +The following story illustrates this class: A +newly appointed and bashful young curate +was visiting a young ladies' school in his +parish. The ordeal of facing so many +blooming young misses was endured until, +the class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared +and the teacher having requested that +the translation be made word for word, he +was startled by the declaration made by a +pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn" +(<em>Vicissim</em>, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly +fled.</p> + +<p>When Laud was Archbishop to Charles +I, it is related that the Court Jester made +the punning grace, "Great praise be to God +and little Laud to the Devil," which resulted +in his banishment by the Archbishop.</p> + +<p>Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a +masterly hand, ringing many changes upon +it and producing many effects, both grave +and gay. An example of the quizzical dialogue +which has the wit of the conundrum as +its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act +I., scene 5:</p> + +<div class="blockquot"> +<p> +<i>Clown.</i> Good madonna, why mournest thou?<br /> +<i>Olivia.</i> Good fool, for my brother's death.<br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xiv" id="Page_xiv">[Pg xiv]</a></span> +<i>Clown.</i> I think his soul is in hell, madonna.<br /> +<i>Olivia.</i> I know his soul is in heaven, fool.<br /> +<i>Clown.</i> The more fool, madonna, to mourn for +your brother's soul being in heaven. +</p></div> + +<p>While the conundrum ranks as the formal +literary representative of the spontaneous +pun, the literature of wit is alive with the +naked pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, +Lamb, and Holmes are the names of some +whose punning arraignments of puns and +punsters make them at once judges and prisoners +at the bar.</p> + +<p>Theodore Hook is accredited with the +original pun which is the basis of a common +conundrum. He bragged that he could +make a pun on any subject, and immediately +a friend suggested that he make one on the +King. "The King is no subject," was the +prompt rejoinder.</p> + +<p>The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king +of punsters," abound in puns, and the sort +of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed +in puns. He was primarily a poet, +and manipulated words in a masterly +fashion, not letting them deflect his thought. +An example of the inevitableness of his punning +is found in the poem on "Sally +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xv" id="Page_xv">[Pg xv]</a></span> +Brown": "They went and told the sexton, +and the sexton toll'd the bell."</p> + +<p>A friendly contest between Hook and +Hood, as to which could make the best pun, +resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two +men being of equal merit, according to the +friend who was called upon to decide.</p> + +<p>Alexander Pope, although disapproving +of the pun as a trifling form of wit, once +challenged his hearers to suggest a word +upon which he could not make a pun. The +word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a +man under a ship, was given by a woman +present. "That, Madam," replied Pope, +"is indeed putting a man under a hardship."</p> + +<p>The incident is told of Charles Lamb that +once when in Salisbury Cathedral the constable +remarked to him that eight people had +dined at the top of the spire; whereupon +Lamb remarked that they must be "very +sharp set."</p> + +<p>The story is told that a man noted for his +wit in puns was asked in regard to the writings +of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like +"to expatiate in such a field?" He replied, +"No. I can't get over the stile (style)."</p> + +<p>From the riddle or pun it is but a short +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvi" id="Page_xvi">[Pg xvi]</a></span> +step to the conundrum, which takes the pun +from its purely factitious setting and gives it +a general application and a permanent form. +It is, when rightly constructed, at once interesting +and instructive, teaching as much +by negative as by affirmative statement. It +embodies the ever new analogies between +dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile +in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. +Used in application to historical +and geographical subjects it may serve to +fix names and places definitely in memory, +as well as facts which but for the humorous +interest given to them would be dry and +easily forgotten.</p> + +<p>There is a certain distinctive flavor to the +current conundrums of a period which tells +more of the popular interests of the time +than anything but a newspaper could. The +best conundrums of each period, or those +that center around a great event, would +make most illuminating historical reading. +The opinions of the day are often more +clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an +essay. It would have been of interest to +know what the wits, as well as the historians, +said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_xvii" id="Page_xvii">[Pg xvii]</a></span> +Tea Party, and of Washington and the +Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion +of posterity would not have differed so +widely from that of the wits as from that of +the contemporary chroniclers.</p> + +<p>John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and +Mirth," published in 1630, was one of the +oldest and most distinctive original collections, +was the forerunner of such punning +poets as Hood and Holmes. In the dedication +of his book, in order to forestall criticism +for the publishing of sayings already +well-known, he says: "Because I had +many of them (the jests) by relation and +heare-say, I am in doubt that some of them +may be in print in some other Authors, +which I doe assure you is more then I doe +know." The authors of all compilations of +conundrums in the almost three centuries +since have had to make increasingly comprehensive +acknowledgment, which the present +author here hastens to give, having drawn +from the great common sources, as well as +from the unpublished current wit of the day.</p> + + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<h2><a name="CONTENTS" id="CONTENTS"></a>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<p class="toc"><a href="#INTRODUCTION">Introduction</a><span class="num">7</span></p> +<p class="toc"><span>Chapter</span><span class="num smcap">Page</span></p> +<ol class="toc"> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_I">Early English Wit</a><span class="num">1</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_II">Mythological Conundrums</a><span class="num">18</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_III">Biblical Conundrums</a><span class="num">20</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_IV">Historical Conundrums</a><span class="num">30</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_V">Conundrums of the Civil War Period</a><span class="num">38</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VI">Geographical Conundrums</a><span class="num">44</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VII">Literary Conundrums</a><span class="num">52</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_VIII">Conundrums of the Alphabet</a><span class="num">60</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_IX">General Conundrums</a><span class="num">73</span></li> +<li><a href="#CHAPTER_X">Charades, Stories, and Contests</a><span class="num">183</span></li> +</ol> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_1" id="Page_1">[Pg 1]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_I" id="CHAPTER_I"></a>CHAPTER I<br /> +<span class="smcap">Early English Wit</span></h2> + + +<p>In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, +and posers of this chapter, the sayings of +which were current from about 1600 on to +the present day, is seen the growth of the +modern form of conundrum, which is adhered +to largely in the remaining chapters +of this book.</p> + +<hr class="tb" /> + +<p>A poet was asked where his wits were. +"A-wool-gathering," he answered. "No +people have more need of it," was the reply.</p> + +<p>A good client is like a study gown, which +sits in the cold himself to keep his lawyer +warm.</p> + +<p>"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide +lines?" "It is done to keep the peace. +For if the plaintiff should be in one line and +the defendant in the next, with the lines too +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_2" id="Page_2">[Pg 2]</a></span> +near together, they might perhaps fall together +by the ears."</p> + +<p>A master spoke in a strain which his +servant did not understand. The servant +thereupon asked that his master might +rather give him blows than such hard words.</p> + +<p>What great scholar is this same Finis, because +his name is to almost every book?<a name="FNanchor_2" id="FNanchor_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_2" id="Footnote_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a> +Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, +Clinches, Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, +1639), the earliest of its kind, and calls attention to +the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's plays were +written by <em>Mr. Preface</em> or <em>Mr. Finis</em>.</p></div> + +<p>A prodigal is like a brush that spends +itself to make others go handsome in their +clothes.</p> + +<p>An antiquary loves everything for being +moldy and worm-eaten,—as Dutchmen do +cheese.</p> + +<p>It was said that a player had "an idle employment +of it." "You are mistaken," was +the reply, "for his whole life is nothing +else but action."</p> + +<p>A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened +to a cinnamon tree,—because the bark was +of more worth than the body. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_3" id="Page_3">[Pg 3]</a></span></p> + +<p>One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying +that he had hitherto found him a fast friend, +and hoped he should find him so still.</p> + +<p>A scholar who was much given to going +abroad, was advised that he put away his +cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his +study."</p> + +<p>It was remarked that "poetry and plain +dealing were a couple of handsome wenches." +It was replied that "he who weds himself +to either of them shall die a beggar."</p> + +<p>Why are women so crooked and perverse +in their conditions? <span class="answer">Because the first woman +was made of a crooked thing.</span></p> + +<p>One was advised to marry a little woman, +because "of evils the least was to be +chosen."</p> + +<p>A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been +made by the practice of his profession, desired +to bequeath a certain sum to the insane +asylum of Bedlam. Being questioned +why, he replied that he had got his money +of mad men, and he would give it to them +again.</p> + +<p>The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless +one, because it is "nothing else but to +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_4" id="Page_4">[Pg 4]</a></span> +take away those things whereby every man +gets his living."</p> + +<p>"A vainglorious man" was bragging that +his father and uncle had founded a certain +hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet +know that your father and your uncle were +the mere confounders (co-founders) of that +hospital you speak of."</p> + +<p>It was said that corn was a quarrelsome +creature, because it rose by the blade, and +fell by the ears with those that cut it.</p> + +<p>A tailor was commended for his dexterity, +whereupon it was remarked that tailors had +their business at their fingers' ends.</p> + +<p>Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, +should be well acquainted with all the philosophical +secrets of the earth, because they +had a deeper knowledge of it than any +others.</p> + +<p>"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope +of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle +a fellow, yet he is still mending."</p> + +<p>"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical +fellow under the sun, for he hath always +many irons in the fire." +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> + +<p>The proverb, "Wit bought is better than +wit taught," had added to it the comment, +"because he that never bought any is but +a natural wit," embodying the play on the +word "natural," the early name for "fool."</p> + +<p>Tall men are the most happy, because +they are nearer heaven than other men. +They should also be great politicians, because +they have extraordinary reach.</p> + +<p>Of all soldiers musketeers are the most +lazy, for they are always at rest.</p> + +<p>It is necessary that some rich men be +dunces, because pretenders to learning may +get preferment, and good wits will be able +to help themselves.</p> + +<p>Carpenters are the most civil men because +they never do their business without a rule.</p> + +<p>A hangman is the most trusty of friends, +for, if he once have to do with a man, he +will see him hanged before he shall want +money or anything else.</p> + +<p>Physicians have the best of it. If they do +well, the world proclaims it; if ill, the earth +covers it.</p> + +<p>A man and his wife were fighting. One +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> +was asked why he did not part them, and replied, +that he "had been better bred than to +part man and wife."</p> + +<p>Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure +war well, for they would never be stifled +with fire and smoke.</p> + +<p>Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their +calling, for they never do anything but it is +against the hair (fiddlestring).</p> + +<p>Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts +men, because they never think that +they are better employed than when they +are addicted to their vices.</p> + +<p>It is no great matter what a drunkard says +in his drink, for he never says anything that +he can stand to.</p> + +<p>"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world +go which way it will, though there be never +so much alteration in times and persons) are +still stable men."</p> + +<p>A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and +to the devil. God hates him, because he is +not what he seems; man hates him, because +he seems what he is not; and the devil hates +him, because he seems not what he truly is. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span></p> + +<p>Stage players are the most philosophical +of men, because they are as content in rags as +in robes.</p> + +<p>"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,—they +carry their whole estate upon their +backs.</p> + +<p>An <a class="corr" name="TC_2" id="TC_2" title="occulist">oculist</a> is an excellent sleight-of-hand +performer; because if he undertakes to cure +a blind man, he will so do it that the patient +shall see he does it.</p> + +<p>He that buys a horse in Smithfield and +does not look upon him before he buy him, +with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse +and himself a pair of sorrowful spectacles +for others to look on.</p> + +<p>Cobblers must be good men because they +set men upright, and are always employed in +mending soles.</p> + +<p>A wild young gentleman desired to sell his +land, and was asked the reason, to which he +answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but +could not possibly do so until he had forsaken +earth.</p> + +<p>A drunkard, returning home at night, +found his wife hard at her spinning. She +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> +reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended +herself for her good housewifery. +He replied that she had no great cause to +chide, for, as she had been spinning, he +came all the way home reeling.</p> + +<p>An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed +all patients that came under his hands, +boasted that he was a better man than the +parson; "For," he said, "your cure maintains +but yourself, but my cures maintain all +the sextons in the town."</p> + +<p>A man by the name of Stone fell off his +horse into deep water, from which he +struggled, but not without some danger. +His companion laughed, and when rebuked, +replied that any man would laugh to see a +stone swim.</p> + +<p>One who had received a threat that another +would break his head with a stone, +replied, "It is a hard matter to break my +head with a stone."</p> + +<p>A physician sought to collect a bill due for +service to a patient who had died. He was +told that it was a work of charity to visit +the sick, but if he wanted money so badly +the only way was for him to visit the dead, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span> +and then he would not want money any more.</p> + +<p>The following dialogue took place between +two friends: "I love to hear a man +talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear +yourself talk as well as any man."</p> + +<p>A gentleman made some purchases upon +trust in a shop, promising the proprietor that +he would owe him so much money. The +proprietor was for a time content, but when +he sought to collect the payment, the gentleman +told him that he had not promised to +pay him, but had promised to owe him so +much money, and that he would not break his +promise, as he would have to if he paid the +debt.</p> + +<p>"What are Shakespeare's works worth, +all bound together?" "Not a farthing." +"Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His +plays are worth a great deal of money, but I +never heard that his works are worth anything +at all."</p> + +<p>A man met his friend riding without boots, +and asked him about what business he went. +The friend replied that it was a matter of +great importance, and that he was in great +haste. The man said, "I am afraid that +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span> +your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the +rider. "Because," was the reply, "you ride +of a bootless errand."</p> + +<p>Which of the letters of the alphabet are +the most authentic on a bill or bond? <span class="answer">I O U.</span></p> + +<p>Why do not men and their wives agree +better nowadays? Because men are now +more learned, and know that "it is false +concord that the masculine and feminine +gender should agree at all."</p> + +<p>A man had the pictures of the five senses +stolen from his house, and came to a justice, +desiring that the thieves might be bound to +the peace. "For what?" asked the justice. +"For stealing your pictures?" "Yes," replied +the man. "I thought," said the justice, +"that you had lost your senses, that you +talk so idly."</p> + +<p>One in the midst of a crowd of people on +the top of the steeple of St. Paul's Church, +London, had his pocket picked. "What villains +are these," he exclaimed, "to pick a +man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," said +another, "you are but robbed upon the highway."</p> + +<p>A scholar was fond of sitting in a study +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> +hung around with brown paper, because, he +would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a +brown study.</p> + +<p>"Why are there drums in the wars?" +"To stir up the valor of the soldiers." +"Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, +the drums are sure to be beaten."</p> + +<p>Why does B stand before C? <span class="answer">Because a +man must B before he can C.</span></p> + +<p>How long is the longest letter in the English +alphabet? <span class="answer">An L long.</span></p> + +<p>Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, +conspired together to steal a silver +bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith +gilded it over that it might not be +known. They were arrested, however, and +when the matter came to trial, the judge +said, that though the other stole it, yet the +guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith.</p> + +<p>One came upon a sexton making a grave +for a great tall fellow by the name of Button, +and asked him for whom that extraordinarily +long grave was. The sexton answered, that +he had made many longer than that, and said +it was but a button-hole compared with some +graves that he had made. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span></p> + +<p>A man, whose name was You, married a +woman of the same name, and was ever after +called "Master W."</p> + +<p>One was wondering why the people of +Ęthiopia did not write straight along as the +northern people do, and another answered +that they wrote under the line, and that was +the reason of it.</p> + +<p>A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, +complained to a scholar that he had bad luck +in his business, and that usually those things +which he took to dye were spoiled. The +scholar told him that the only way to have +this amended was to reform himself, for he +that lived ill could never dye well.</p> + +<p>What herb is there that cures all diseases? +<span class="answer">Thyme.</span></p> + +<p>An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because +he was not nimble enough at his work, +and had not his nails and hammer in readiness +when he should use them; and said that +when he himself was an apprentice he was +taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends.</p> + +<p>What does that young man deserve who +loves always to be in a playhouse? <span class="answer">A box.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span></p> + +<p>One expressed surprise that there were +so many pickpockets about the streets, notwithstanding +that there was a watch at every +corner. It was answered that this was all +one, for a pickpocket would as gladly meet +with a watch as with anything else.</p> + +<p>One who was skilled in writing shorthand +offered to teach a lawyer's clerk his skill, but +the latter thanked him for his offer, and told +him that they could not live by making short +hand of anything.</p> + +<p>A coward related to his friend that one +had given him a box upon the ear, but that +he, instead of returning the blow, had turned +to him the other ear also. The friend replied, +"Sure, there was a great fight betwixt +you, when blows were given on both sides."</p> + +<p>The word Interpreter is derived from +Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt +two that spoke several languages.</p> + +<p>A company of gentlemen entered a tavern +whose sign was the Moon, and called for a +quart of sack. The drawer told them that +they had none, and that the man in the Moon +always drank claret.</p> + +<p>A countryman, being asked how a certain +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> +river which ran through that country was +called, replied, that they never had need to +call the river, for it came without calling.</p> + +<p>A country fellow who was unaccustomed +to paved streets, came to London, and a dog +suddenly ran out of one of the houses and +came furiously at him. The fellow stooped +to pick up a stone to throw at the dog, but +finding them all fast rammed or paved into +the ground, exclaimed, "What a strange +country am I in, where the people tie up the +stones, and let the dogs loose!"</p> + +<p>A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering +knave, said, "Sirrah, if thou dost not +mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly +hanged, or else I will be hanged for thee." +The bold knave replied, "I thank your worship +for that kind offer, and I beseech your +worship not to be out of the way, when I +shall have occasion to use you."</p> + +<p>A sailor riding from Dover to London on +a tired horse, was urged by his companions +to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he +replied. "Do you not see that I am becalmed?"</p> + +<p>Between twelve and one o'clock one asked +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> +me what o'clock it was. I answered, "Little +or nothing." He demanded what I +meant. I replied that, it being not one of +the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted +for naught, as that which is less than one is +little or nothing.</p> + +<p>(James the First and his successor created +knights profusely for the purpose of raising +money. From this fact grew the following +conundrum:) Why did a knight take place +of a gentleman? <span class="answer">Because they were knights +nowadays before they were gentlemen.</span></p> + +<p>Why do fat men love their ease so much? +<span class="answer">Because the soul in a fat body lies soft, and +is therefore loath to rise.</span></p> + +<p>Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? <span class="answer">A +fool in earnest.</span></p> + +<p>One, hearing that a traveler had been on +the peak of Teneriffe (which is supposed to +be one of the highest hills in the world), +asked him why he had not stayed there, for +he was sure he would never come so near +heaven again.</p> + +<p>What countryman is the devil? <span class="answer">A Spaniard; +for Spaniards, like the devil, trouble +the whole world. (1600.)</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16">[Pg 16]</a></span></p> + +<p>Musicians may be compared to chameleons, +because they live by air.</p> + +<p>What countryman is a ploughman? <span class="answer">They +are all born in Hungary.</span></p> + +<p>Printers are the most lawless men in the +kingdom, because they commit faults with +license.</p> + +<p>Why should men think there is a world in +the moon? <span class="answer">Because they are lunatic.<br /> +(This refers to the book, "A Discovery of +a New World," by Bishop Wilkins, which +had just appeared in 1638.)</span></p> + +<p>It was asked of one who wore a threadbare +coat, whether his coat were not sleepy. +"Why do you ask?" queried the owner. +"Because," was the reply, "I think it hath +not had a nap this seven year."</p> + +<p>One remarked "that it was a good fashion +that was worn nowadays" (1639), "because +the tailors had so contrived that there was +little or no waste in a whole suit."</p> + +<p>The philosopher's stone had need turn all +metals to gold because the study of it turns +all a man's gold to other metal.</p> + +<p>A Gallant with a galloping wit was +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span> +mounted upon a running horse toward a town +named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, +and, riding at full speed, he met an old man, +and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the way to +Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, +I'll warrant you, if he were as wild as the +devil.'</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">"This is a riddle to a fool, methinks,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And seems to want an Œdipus or Sphinx,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit<a name="FNanchor_3" id="FNanchor_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a><br /></span> +<span class="i0">To find you lines, yourself must find you wit."<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div class="footnote"><p><a name="Footnote_3" id="Footnote_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> Sufficient.</p></div> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_II" id="CHAPTER_II"></a>CHAPTER II<br /> +<span class="smcap">Mythological Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>Where was Time raised? <span class="answer">In the lapse +of ages.</span></p> + +<p>How do we know that Jupiter wore very +pinching boots? <span class="answer">Because we read of his +struggles with the tight-uns (Titans).</span></p> + +<p>What great astronomer is like Venus's +chariot? <span class="answer">Her-shell (Herschell).</span></p> + +<p>Why does a woman residing up a pair of +stairs remind you of a goddess? <span class="answer">Because +she's a second floorer (Flora).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man looking for the philosopher's +stone like Neptune? <span class="answer">Because he's a sea-king +(a-seeking) what never was.</span></p> + +<p>If all the seas were dried up, what would +Neptune say? <span class="answer">I really haven't an ocean (a +notion).</span></p> + +<p>If a young lady were to wish her father to +pull her on the river, what classical name +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span> +might she mention? <span class="answer">You row, pa (Europa).</span></p> + +<p>Why is Orpheus always in bad company? +<span class="answer">Because you never see him without a lyre.</span></p> + +<p>If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the +Bay of Salamis, what would he have been +when he came out? <span class="answer">A dripping Pan.</span></p> + +<p>What did Io die of? <span class="answer">Io-dide of potassium.</span></p> + +<p>When does a lady think her husband a +Hercules? <span class="answer">When he can't get on without +his club.</span></p> + +<p>What girl does Echo think can best answer +questions? <span class="answer">Ann, sir.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? +<span class="answer">It was through his-whim (his swim) only.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a coach going down a steep hill +like St. George? <span class="answer">Because it is always drawn +with the drag-on.</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_III" id="CHAPTER_III"></a>CHAPTER III<br /> +<span class="smcap">Biblical Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>What three words did Adam use when +he introduced himself to Eve, which read +backwards and forwards the same? +<span class="answer">"Madam, I'm Adam."</span></p> + +<p>At what time of day was Adam born? <span class="answer">A +little before Eve.</span></p> + +<p>Why was the first day of Adam's life the +longest? <span class="answer">Because it had no Eve.</span></p> + +<p>How were Adam and Eve prevented from +gambling? <span class="answer">Their pair o' dice (Paradise) +was taken away from them.</span></p> + +<p>What stone should have been placed at +the gate of Eden after the expulsion? <span class="answer">Adamantine +(Adam ain't in).</span></p> + +<p>Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave +him? <span class="answer">Because he had no knife.</span></p> + +<p>At what time was Adam married? <span class="answer">Upon +his wedding Eve.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span></p> + +<p>What evidence have we that Adam used +sugar? <span class="answer">Because he raised Cain.</span></p> + +<p>Who was the first man condemned to hard +labor for life? <span class="answer">Adam.</span></p> + +<p>Who was first interested in horse racing? +<span class="answer">Adam—he was the father of the race.</span></p> + +<p>How many apples were eaten in the +Garden of Eden? <span class="answer">Eve ate, and Adam, too, +and the devil won,—eleven in all.</span></p> + +<p>What one word will name the common +parent of both beasts and man? <span class="answer">A-dam.</span></p> + +<p>What was the first surgical operation performed +without the aid of instruments? +<span class="answer">The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made +into a wife.</span></p> + +<p>Why ought Adam to have been perfectly +satisfied with his wife? <span class="answer">Because she was +cut out especially for him.</span></p> + +<p>How did Adam and Eve feel when they +left the Garden of Eden? <span class="answer">Put out.</span></p> + +<p>Why were the gates of Eden shut after +Adam and Eve went out? <span class="answer">To keep the +dam(p) air out.</span></p> + +<p>What fur did Adam and Eve wear? +<span class="answer">Bear (bare) skin.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why had Eve no fear of the measles? <span class="answer">Because +she'd Adam (had 'em).</span></p> + +<p>For what was Eve made? <span class="answer">For Adam's +Express Company.</span></p> + +<p>What did Adam first plant in the Garden +of Eden? <span class="answer">His foot.</span></p> + +<p>Who first introduced walking-sticks? +<span class="answer">Eve gave Adam a little Cain.</span></p> + +<p>What kind of cottages did Adam's sons +prefer? <span class="answer">Cottages with eaves (Eves).</span></p> + +<p>Was our mother Eve High or Low +Church? <span class="answer">Adam thought her Eve-angelical.</span></p> + +<p>What did Adam and Eve do when they +got out of Eden? <span class="answer">Raised Cain.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Paradise like a cucumber? <span class="answer">Because +it had a pair-in (paring).</span></p> + +<p>When was the first gambling? <span class="answer">When +Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise (pair o' +dice) for an apple.</span></p> + +<p>When did fruit first begin to swear? +<span class="answer">When the apple damned the first pair.</span></p> + +<p>Who was the fastest runner in the world? +<span class="answer">Adam—he was first in the human race.</span></p> + +<p>How long did Cain hate his brother? <span class="answer">As +long as he was able (Abel).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why was Cain's murder like the main +strength of his leg? <span class="answer">Because it was a sin-new.</span></p> + +<p>How can a whipping be ordered for a boy +in five Old Testament names? <span class="answer">Adam, Seth, +Eve, Cain, Abel.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a printing press like the forbidden +fruit? <span class="answer">Because from it springs a knowledge +of good and evil.</span></p> + +<p>What was four weeks old when Cain was +born, and is not yet five? <span class="answer">The moon.</span></p> + +<p>Who first introduced salt pork into the +Navy? <span class="answer">Noah, when he took Ham into the +ark.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering +the ark? <span class="answer">Because, although the ark +was high, Noah was a higher ark +(Hierarch).</span></p> + +<p>In what place did the cock crow so loud +that all the world heard him? <span class="answer">In the ark.</span></p> + +<p>Which animal took most luggage into the +ark, and which the least? <span class="answer">The elephant, +who had his trunk; while the fox and the +cock had only a brush and a comb between +them.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span></p> + +<p>Who was the greatest financier of early +times? <span class="answer">Noah,—he floated his stock when +all the world was in liquidation.</span></p> + +<p>Where did Noah strike the first nail in +the ark? <span class="answer">On the head.</span></p> + +<p>What was Noah busy about in the ark? +<span class="answer">Preserving pairs.</span></p> + +<p>Where did Noah keep his bees? <span class="answer">In the +Archives.</span></p> + +<p>How do we know that Noah had beer in +the ark? <span class="answer">Because the kangaroo went in with +hops, and the bear was always <em>Bruin</em>.</span></p> + +<p>What did the cat say when she looked out +of the window of the ark? <span class="answer">Is that Ararat?</span></p> + +<p>In what order did Noah come from the +ark? <span class="answer">He came forth.</span></p> + +<p>When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? +<span class="answer">When he slept with his forefathers.</span></p> + +<p>Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the +pit? <span class="answer">They thought that it was a good opening +for the young man.</span></p> + +<p>Where is the theater mentioned in the +Bible? <span class="answer">Where Joseph left the family circle +and went into the pit.</span></p> + +<p>Who had the first free entrance into a +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> +theater? <span class="answer">Joseph, when he got into the pit +for nothing.</span></p> + +<p>What person in the Bible died a death +that no one else ever died—and a part of +whose shroud is on every dining table? +<span class="answer">Lot's wife.</span></p> + +<p>What did Lot do when his wife turned to +salt? <span class="answer">Got a fresh one.</span></p> + +<p>What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, +reminds us of a gladiatorial show at +Rome? <span class="answer">The bulrushes.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Moses the wickedest man that +ever lived? <span class="answer">Because he broke all the Ten +Commandments at once.</span></p> + +<p>Where are bank checks mentioned in the +Bible? <span class="answer">Pharaoh got a check on the bank of +the Red Sea—crossed by Moses and Co.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a +broker? <span class="answer">Because she drew a little prophet +from the rushes on the bank.</span></p> + +<p>What was Pharaoh's chief objection to +Moses? <span class="answer">He found him more plague than +prophet.</span></p> + +<p>How do we know that there was a panic +in the early days of Moses? <span class="answer">Because there +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> +were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and +Pharaoh's daughter withdrew a valuable deposit.</span></p> + +<p>Why do we assume that Moses wore a +wig? <span class="answer">Because sometimes he was seen with +Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.</span></p> + +<p>If you were to throw a white stone into +the Red Sea, what would it become? <span class="answer">Wet.</span></p> + +<p>Who were the first mathematicians mentioned +in the Bible? <span class="answer">The Children of Israel, +who multiplied upon the face of the earth.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the ancient +Israelites and modern washstands? <span class="answer">The +former had hewers of wood and drawers of +water; the latter have ewers of water and +drawers of wood.</span></p> + +<p>Why would it be impossible to starve in +the desert of Sahara? <span class="answer">Because of the +sandwiches (sand which is) there.</span></p> + +<p>How did the sandwiches get there? <span class="answer">When +Ham was sent there with his followers, who +were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), +and when Lot's wife was turned into a pillar +of salt, all but-ter (but her) went into the +desert.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> + +<p>Who was the oldest man that ever lived, +yet who died before his father did?<span class="answer"> Methuselah: +his father Enoch did not die, but was +translated.</span></p> + +<p>If Richard Jones were milking a cow too +quickly, what ancient name would that animal +mention? <span class="answer">Melchisedek (Milk easy, +Dick).</span></p> + +<p>What man had no father? <span class="answer">Joshua, the +son of Nun.</span></p> + +<p>Who took the first newspapers? <span class="answer">Cain +took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua countermanded +the Sun.</span></p> + +<p>Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished +when David hit him with a stone? +<span class="answer">Because such a thing had never entered his +head before.</span></p> + +<p>How many soft-boiled eggs could the +giant Goliath eat upon an empty stomach? +<span class="answer">One, after which his stomach was not empty.</span></p> + +<p>What ancient king was often literally in +his contemporaries' mouth? <span class="answer">Agag.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between Solomon +and Rothschild? <span class="answer">The one was king of the +Jews, the other Jew of the kings.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span></p> + +<p>Where did the Witch of Endor live—and +end-her days? <span class="answer">At Endor.</span></p> + +<p>Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? +<span class="answer">Absalom.</span></p> + +<p>In what tongue did Balaam's donkey +speak? <span class="answer">Probably in he-bray-ic.</span></p> + +<p>Why would Samson have made an excellent +actor? <span class="answer">Because he could so easily bring +down the house.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday +like Nebuchadnezzar in his debased condition? +<span class="answer">Because it was my tumbler (might +humbler).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between Nineveh +and a donkey-boy? <span class="answer">One is in Assyria, the +other is an ass-hurryer.</span></p> + +<p>Who was the first unfortunate speculator? +<span class="answer">Jonah, because he got taken in.</span></p> + +<p>What did the whale gain in the little +transaction between him and Jonah? <span class="answer">The +whale got all the prophet.</span></p> + +<p>Why was the whale which swallowed +Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an +independence? <span class="answer">Because he took a great +profit (prophet) out of the water.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> + +<p>How did Jonah feel when the whale was +going to swallow him? <span class="answer">Down in the mouth—as +if he was going to blubber.</span></p> + +<p>What divine law did the whale obey when +he swallowed Jonah? <span class="answer">Jonah was a stranger +and he took him in.</span></p> + +<p>Who was Jonah's tutor? <span class="answer">The whale that +brought him up.</span></p> + +<p>Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from +the modern theologians? <span class="answer">Because while he +disagreed with the whale, they disagree +about him.</span></p> + +<p>Why was John the Baptist like a penny? +<span class="answer">Because he was one cent (sent).</span></p> + +<p>Who won the first horse race in the Bible? +<span class="answer">Herodias' daughter when she got a head of +John the Baptist on a charger.</span></p> + +<p>When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? +<span class="answer">When he comes out of some area +(Samaria).</span></p> + +<p>Which are the two smallest things mentioned +in the Scripture? <span class="answer">The widow's mite, +and the wicked flee.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a good wife like the devil? <span class="answer">While +the husbandman sleepeth, she seweth (soweth) +tears (tares).</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IV" id="CHAPTER_IV"></a>CHAPTER IV<br /> +<span class="smcap">Historical Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>There has been but one king crowned in +England since the conquest. What king was +he? <span class="answer">James I. He was King of Scotland before +he was King of England.</span></p> + +<p>When Louis Philippe was deposed, why +did he lose less than any of his subjects? +<span class="answer">Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost +a sovereign.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like +a wager which is neither lost nor won? <span class="answer">Because +it is a drawn Bet.</span></p> + +<p>What Egyptian official would a little boy +mention if he were to call his mother to the +window to see something wonderful? +<span class="answer">"Mammy, look!" (Mameluke).</span></p> + +<p>What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? +<span class="answer">The Miss Tocles (Themistocles).</span></p> + +<p>Who was the most wretched of all the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span> +murderers of Julius Cęsar? <span class="answer">The miserable +Cinna (sinner).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the Emperor +of Russia and a beggar? <span class="answer">One issues +manifestoes; the other manifests toes without +'is shoes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Emperor of Russia like a +greedy schoolboy on Christmas Day? <span class="answer">Because +he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and +longs for Turkey.</span></p> + +<p>Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? +<span class="answer">Because it is one of the great composers of +modern times.</span></p> + +<p>Why was William Tell like a post? <span class="answer">Because +they couldn't get a bough out of him.</span></p> + +<p>The name of what character in history +would a person mention in asking the servant +to put coal on the fire? <span class="answer">Philip the Great +(fill up the grate).</span></p> + +<p>Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? +<span class="answer">Because the last thing he did was to die for +his country, and that is about the last thing +the volunteers intend doing.</span></p> + +<p>Why did the population of Rome decrease +just before the fall of the empire? <span class="answer">Because +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> +the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry.</span></p> + +<p>When Charles I was beheaded, of what +dish did the executioner dine, and where? +<span class="answer">He took a chop at the King's Head.</span></p> + +<p>Why ought Charles I to have preferred +burning to decapitation? <span class="answer">Because a hot +steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold +chop.</span></p> + +<p>Why did the Highlanders do most execution +at Waterloo? <span class="answer">Because every man had +one kilt before the battle began.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the Royal Academicians the +greatest swells ever known? <span class="answer">Because Solomon, +even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d +(arrayed) like one of these.</span></p> + +<p>What piece of music did the Romans, at +the time of the early Christians, most enjoy? +<span class="answer">A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater).</span></p> + +<p>If a nice plump Member of Parliament +were eaten uncooked by savages, why would +he be like Louis Napoleon? <span class="answer">Because he +would be served as an M. P. raw (emperor).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the list of celebrated musical composers +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span> +like a saucepan? <span class="answer">Because it is incomplete +without a Handel.</span></p> + +<p>When was Napoleon I most shabbily +dressed? <span class="answer">When out at Elba (elbow).</span></p> + +<p>What was once the most fashionable cap +in Paris? <span class="answer">The mob—without a crown.</span></p> + +<p>In what respects were the governments of +Algiers and Malta as different as light from +darkness? <span class="answer">The one was governed by deys, +the other by knights.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? +<span class="answer">Because Penn was the first man who +entered it.</span></p> + +<p>Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf +in Rome? <span class="answer">Because he thought it a good +opening for a young man.</span></p> + +<p>What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? +<span class="answer">They were six (Sikhs) and we (the +English) one (won).</span></p> + +<p>What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) +of the English soldiers? <span class="answer">The battle of +Assay(e).</span></p> + +<p>Who is the first little boy mentioned by a +single word in the history of England? +<span class="answer">Chap. I.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span></p> + +<p>Who was the first postman? <span class="answer">Cadmus. +He carried letters from Phœnicia to Greece.</span></p> + +<p>Where was Humboldt going when he was +thirty-nine years old? <span class="answer">Into his fortieth +year.</span></p> + +<p>What three letters give the name of a famous +Roman general? <span class="answer">C P O (Scipio).</span></p> + +<p>Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his +umbrella when he left Paris? <span class="answer">Just as he +left the rain (reign) was over.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the English the worst judges of +cattle in the world? <span class="answer">Because the Pope sent +them a bull and they thought it a bore +(boar).</span></p> + +<p>If you wish a very religious man to go to +sleep, by what imperial name should you address +him? <span class="answer">Nap-holy-un (Napoleon).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest +ever erected? <span class="answer">Because it was built for +one sovereign—and finished for another.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it only natural that the memory of +Guy Fawkes should be execrated? <span class="answer">Because +he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, +and they are wretchedly slow.</span></p> + +<p>Show that a simple typographical error +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> +was the cause of the defeats of the poor +Austrians (1866). <span class="answer">They sent for reserves, +and got reverses.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient +Greece? <span class="answer">Because it once had a Solon (sole +on).</span></p> + +<p>Why should Columbus be classed among +astronomers rather than among explorers? +<span class="answer">Because he <a class="corr" name="TC_3" id="TC_3" title="dicovered">discovered</a> a whole New World.</span></p> + +<p>What's the difference between a middle-aged +cooper and a trooper of the Middle +Ages? <span class="answer">The one is used to put a head on +his cask, the other used to put a cask +(casque) on his head.</span></p> + +<p>What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? <span class="answer">A fig, +for is it not an F I G (effigy)?</span></p> + +<p>How is it England and Russia conjointly +govern the ocean? <span class="answer">Because England rules +the waves, and Russia the serfs.</span></p> + +<p>What was the difference between Shakespeare +and Queen Elizabeth? <span class="answer">One was a +<em>won</em>der, the other a <em>Tu</em>dor.</span></p> + +<p>What Tory do the Whigs want on their +side? <span class="answer">Vic-tory.</span></p> + +<p>It went before Queen Mary, it followed +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> +King William to the end? <span class="answer">The letter "m."</span></p> + +<p>Who caught the fossil fishes? <span class="answer">The geological +fissures (fishers).</span></p> + +<p>Why was the Shah of Persia, during his +visit to England, the best card-player in the +world? <span class="answer">Because the swells gave up their +clubs; workmen threw up their spades, and +the ladies were within an ace of losing their +hearts, when he came to show his diamonds.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic +robin? <span class="answer">The Diet of Wurms did not agree +with him.</span></p> + +<p>When was beef-tea introduced into England? +<span class="answer">When Henry VIII dissolved the +Pope's bull.</span></p> + +<p>Why could not Napoleon III insure his +life? <span class="answer">Because no man living was able to +make out his policy.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between two celebrated +Saxon leaders of the fifth century and +two others famous in these days? <span class="answer">The +former were Engist and Horsa, the latter +are engines and horses.</span></p> + +<p>What celebrated battle was fought in a +dirty slum? <span class="answer">The battle of A-gin-court.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> + +<p>What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills +in? <span class="answer">In cider (inside her).</span></p> + +<p>What was Joan of Arc made of? <span class="answer">Maid +of Orleans.</span></p> + +<p>What did they find under the Maine? <span class="answer">A +horse's neck.</span></p> + +<p>What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's +motto? <span class="answer">Give a dog a good name and—hang +him.</span></p> + +<p>Some one mentioning that "columba" was +the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the +following: What is the difference between +the Old World and the New? <span class="answer">The former +was discovered by <em>Columba</em>, who started +from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who +started from Ge-noa.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between Kossuth +and a half-starved countryman? <span class="answer">One is a +native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native.</span></p> + +<p>Who may be said to have had the largest +family in America? <span class="answer">George Washington, +for he was the father of his country.</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_V" id="CHAPTER_V"></a>CHAPTER V<br /> +<span class="smcap">Conundrums of the Civil War Period</span></h2> + + +<p>Why does our army differ from the army +of the Revolution? <span class="answer">Because in one case the +army is bound to defend Washington, in the +other Washington was bound to defend the +army.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated +English ruler of the seventeenth century, +"Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? +<span class="answer">Because it breaks asunder the chains of despotism +and adds a link on (A. Lincoln) to +history.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an owl in the daylight like the President +of the United States? <span class="answer">Because he is +a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln).</span></p> + +<p>Why is one of the new Treasury notes like +a young lady's love letter? <span class="answer">Because it is the +acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span> +to which an unusual amount of interest is attached.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the American Union a puzzle to +the most profound astronomers? <span class="answer">Because +some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot +predict their return.</span></p> + +<p>Why is General McClellan like the Established +Church? <span class="answer">Because he governs by +Can(n)on Law.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water +like the Union? <span class="answer">Because it will not dissolve.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the shot and shell of the blockading +squadron like lovers' vows? <span class="answer">Because +they are intended for privateers (private +ears).</span></p> + +<p>Why are American greenbacks like the +Jews? <span class="answer">Because they are the product of Abraham, +and no one knows if they will ever be +redeemed.</span></p> + +<p>Upon what guard do the New York +Zouaves most desire to be put? <span class="answer">Beaure-guard.</span></p> + +<p>Why would the colors of our national ensign +make a good dress for ladies? <span class="answer">Because +they are colors that won't run.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain +class of the city employees? <span class="answer">Because +they may be seen by scores on a fair day +sweeping the streets.</span></p> + +<p>In what relation does the President of the +United States stand to Adam? <span class="answer">As second +son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel).</span></p> + +<p>Why is it impossible for the government +to grant the request of our Southern +brethren? <span class="answer">Because children in arms are +never left alone.</span></p> + +<p>Why, when the rebels smite us upon the +right cheek, should we refuse to turn towards +them the left cheek also? <span class="answer">Because +they have too much "cheek" already.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Major General McClellan like +Charles Dickens? <span class="answer">Because he is the author +of "Great Expectations."</span></p> + +<p>Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque +like secrets? <span class="answer">Because they are for privateers +(private ears).</span></p> + +<p>Why was Cain an enemy of President +Lincoln? <span class="answer">Because he hated Abe L.</span></p> + +<p>Why is our army like an entry clerk? <span class="answer">Because +it is ready to charge.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is President Lincoln like a mariner +on a desolate shore? <span class="answer">Because he looks to +Seward (seaward).</span></p> + +<p>How does the Copyright Law affect the +war? <span class="answer">It gives us the right to <em>enter</em>, according +to act of Congress, all the rebel States.</span></p> + +<p>Why cannot rebels ever dress well? <span class="answer">Because +they have proved, by deserting their +flag, that they have no eye for colors.</span></p> + +<p>Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras +like an English nobleman's mansion? <span class="answer">Because +there was a Butler engaged in it.</span></p> + +<p>Why will Americans have more cause to +remember the letter S than any other letter +in the alphabet? <span class="answer">Because it is the beginning +of secession and the end of Jeff Davis.</span></p> + +<p>Why should it not be loyal for a Union +lady to accept a token of regard from a lover +at the present time? <span class="answer">Because it would be receiving +a Beauregard (beau-regard).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the rebellion like the world? <span class="answer">Because +it is coming to an end.</span></p> + +<p>Why has Massachusetts done more towards +the war loan than any other State? +<span class="answer">Because she has sent even her Banks.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are two lovers pledged to each other +like the Federal Army before Washington? +<span class="answer">Because they have lately had an engagement +and go in strong for the Union.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin +like the Southern Confederacy? <span class="answer">Because +she is trying to see seed (secede).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the city of Washington like a +despairing old maid? <span class="answer">Because she has +looked long and in vain for a Beauregard.</span></p> + +<p>What one sentence expresses the wish of +both the Southern Confederacy and the +United States government? <span class="answer">Let us alone (a +loan).</span></p> + +<p>What route should our army take at the +present? <span class="answer">The rout of the enemy.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? +<span class="answer">Because he's grated.</span></p> + +<p>Why are lamps like the Thames? <span class="answer">Because +they have lighters.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a sedan chair like the world? <span class="answer">Because +it's between two poles.</span></p> + +<p>What is the most favorable season to have +your letters from India? <span class="answer">The season which +brings the monsoon.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span></p> + +<p>How do you know that the Queen approves +of the penny postage? <span class="answer">Because she +gives her countenance to it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the old elm on Boston Common +like the ladies of Boston? <span class="answer">Because they are +well hooped.</span></p> + +<p>How long should a lady's crinoline be +made? <span class="answer">A little over two feet.</span></p> + +<p>Why are ladies who wear large crinolines +ugly? <span class="answer">Because they are not even passable.</span></p> + +<p>Why are washerwomen unreasonable? +<span class="answer">They expect soft water when it rains hard.</span></p> + +<p>Why are they the greatest of coquettes? +<span class="answer">They wring men's ruffled bosoms.</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VI" id="CHAPTER_VI"></a>CHAPTER VI<br /> +<span class="smcap">Geographical Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>What would happen if a colored waiter +dropped a platter with a turkey upon it? +<span class="answer">The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, +the destruction of China, and the overflowing +of Greece.</span></p> + +<p>What river is that which runs between two +seas? <span class="answer">The Thames—between Chel-sea and +Batter-sea.</span></p> + +<p>When is the river Thames good for the +eyes? <span class="answer">When it is high (eye) water.</span></p> + +<p>Which are the lightest men—Scotchmen, +Irishmen, or Englishmen? <span class="answer">In Ireland there +are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; +but in England, on the Thames, there are +lighter men.</span></p> + +<p>What city of the world do artists make the +most drawings of? <span class="answer">Cork.</span></p> + +<p>What islands would form a cheerful luncheon +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> +party? <span class="answer">Friendly, Society, a Sandwich, +and Madeira.</span></p> + +<p>Which one of the United States is the +largest and most popular? <span class="answer">The state of +matrimony.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a young man engaged to a young +lady like a man sailing for a port in France? +<span class="answer">Because he is bound to Havre (have her).</span></p> + +<p>How many young ladies does it take to +reach from New York to Philadelphia? +<span class="answer">About one hundred, because a Miss is as +good as a mile.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Great Britain like Palestine? <span class="answer">Because +it's the Holy Land (whole island).</span></p> + +<p>If a man and his wife go to Europe together, +what is the difference in their mode +of traveling? <span class="answer">He goes abroad, and she goes +along.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the Germans like quinine and +gentian? <span class="answer">Because they are two-tonics (Teutonics).</span></p> + +<p>What is the most <a class="corr" name="TC_4" id="TC_4" title="diffcult">difficult</a> river on which to +get a boat? <span class="answer">Arno, because there Arno +boats there.</span></p> + +<p>Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> +<span class="answer">Because each one of them is born to blubber,—and +ever to be-wail fishing, and walking +with his snows frozen.</span></p> + +<p>Why was the country of Phœnicia like an +automobile? <span class="answer">Because it had a Tyre on its +border.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Empress of the French always +in bad company? <span class="answer">Because she is ever surrounded +by Paris-ites.</span></p> + +<p>What sea would a man like most to be in +on a wet day? <span class="answer">Adriatic (a dry attic).</span></p> + +<p>How many Spanish noblemen does it take +to make an Englishman run? <span class="answer">Ten-dons.</span></p> + +<p>What's the difference between an Irishman +frozen to death and a Highlander on a mountain-peak +in January? <span class="answer">One is kilt with the +cold, and the other cold with the kilt.</span></p> + +<p>What county of England, if you dislike it +extremely, would you run the chance of being +stifled in? <span class="answer">If you hate Suffolk, you +would, very naturally, Suffolk-hate when in +it (suffocate).</span></p> + +<p>Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The +balloon burst. What nationality were they +while coming down? <span class="answer">The one came down a +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> +Russian (a-rushing); the other caught on a +telegraph wire and came down a Pole.</span></p> + +<p>When is a tradesman at the seaside, +though in London? <span class="answer">When he comes from +Dover to <em>Deal</em>.</span></p> + +<p>How many cows' tails would it take to +reach from Boston to New York? <span class="answer">One, if +it was long enough.</span></p> + +<p>What is more foolish than sending coals to +Newcastle? <span class="answer">Sending milk to Cowes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? +<span class="answer">Because it has Greece (grease) at the +bottom.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, +London, like Ireland? <span class="answer">Because there is a +bell fast in it (Belfast).</span></p> + +<p>What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian +soldier? <span class="answer">A coarse-sack (Cossack).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the +pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? <span class="answer">Because +he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or +not (Juggernaut).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, +the capital of Germany? <span class="answer">Because he is +always on a Spree.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> + +<p>What nation is it which, when allied to +us, becomes the very home of despair? <span class="answer">Tar-tar-us.</span></p> + +<p>Where ought children who bite their +fingers to be sent? <span class="answer">To gnaw-thumb-erland +(Northumberland).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a short man struggling to kiss a +tall woman like an Irishman going up Vesuvius? +<span class="answer">Because, sure, he's trying to get at +the mouth of the crater.</span></p> + +<p>What is the greatest miracle ever worked +in Ireland? <span class="answer">Waking the dead.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Welshman like a beggar? <span class="answer">Owing +to the Menai Straits through which he +goes.</span></p> + +<p>For what reason ought a Frenchman who +speaks imperfect English and an Englishman +who is equally unacquainted with French +never to converse together? <span class="answer">To prevent +their using bad language.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Ireland likely to become rich? +<span class="answer">Because the capital is always Dublin (doubling).</span></p> + +<p>What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? +<span class="answer">S X (Essex).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? +<span class="answer">It is in the midst of grease (Greece).</span></p> + +<p>Why is China a desirable country for a +man to select a wife in? <span class="answer">Because he can +make up his mind from pickin' to choose +Ann (Pekin to Chusan).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the North +and South Pole? <span class="answer">All the difference in the +world.</span></p> + +<p>What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping +by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? +<span class="answer">Cat-alone-here (Catalonia).</span></p> + +<p>Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? +<span class="answer">Because the ashes of the great (grate) lie +there.</span></p> + +<p>Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese +idols? <span class="answer">Because they have ears which cannot +hear, and eyes which cannot see.</span></p> + +<p>Which one of the Seven Wonders of the +World are railway engines like? <span class="answer">The coal-horses +of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).</span></p> + +<p>Why may we doubt the existence of the +Giants' Causeway? <span class="answer">There are so many +sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of +them.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a certain +part of Africa and the shade of Hamlet's +father stalking in winter? <span class="answer">One is the Gold +Coast, the other the cold ghost.</span></p> + +<p>Why is love like the Erie Canal? <span class="answer">It's an +internal transport.</span></p> + +<p>Why is New York City like a flash light? +<span class="answer">It has a Battery.</span></p> + +<p>When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? +<span class="answer">When he is going to Bray.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a nabob like a beggar? <span class="answer">He is +an India gent (indigent).</span></p> + +<p>Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? +<span class="answer">Because brevity is the sole (soul) of it.</span></p> + +<p>What is a man like who is in the middle +of the Thames and can't swim? <span class="answer">Like to be +drowned.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? +<span class="answer">Because it is a great place for tows (toes).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only +for very old gentlemen? <span class="answer">Because it is a see-Nile +(senile) thing to do.</span></p> + +<p>What soap is hardest? <span class="answer">Cast-steel (Castile).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? +<span class="answer">Because it often changes its notes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Canada like courtship? <span class="answer">Because +it borders on the United States.</span></p> + +<p>Who were the original bog-trotters? <span class="answer">The +Fen-ians.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? <span class="answer">Because +it is often driven into Deal.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Paris like the letter F? <span class="answer">Because +it is the capital of France.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? +<span class="answer">Because it is very often passed over.</span></p> + +<p>Why do so many people in China travel +on foot? <span class="answer">Because there is but one coach in +China (Cochin China).</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VII" id="CHAPTER_VII"></a>CHAPTER VII<br /> +<span class="smcap">Literary Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>What American poet may be considered +equal to three-fifths of the poets ancient +and modern? <span class="answer">Poe.</span></p> + +<p>The names of which two Greek poems will +you mention on alluding to their author's +peculiar manner and indisposition? <span class="answer">Homer's +Odd-I-see and Ill-I-add.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' +son, Achilles? <span class="answer">Because both have "sent +many souls to Hades ere their time."</span></p> + +<p>What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's +"Seasons" do to young Palemon? <span class="answer">She +pulled his ears and trod on his corns.</span></p> + +<p>If a tough beefsteak could speak, what +English poet would it mention? <span class="answer">Chaw-sir +(Chaucer).</span></p> + +<p>Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two +celebrated musicians, said one was Tweedledum, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span> +the other only Tweedledee? If so, +state which of these two names was the more +difficult to write. <span class="answer">Tweedledum, because he +wrote the other with more e's (ease).</span></p> + +<p>Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson +Crusoe's island was uninhabited? <span class="answer">Because +the very first thing he saw upon landing +was a great swell a pitchin' into a little +"cove" on the shore.</span></p> + +<p>What prescription is the best for a poet? +<span class="answer">A composing draught.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an author the most wonderful man +in the world? <span class="answer">Because his tale (tail) comes +out of his head.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired +of novel-writing than Warren? <span class="answer">Because +Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren +only "Now and Then."</span></p> + +<p>What author would eye-glasses and spectacles +mention to the world if they could only +speak? <span class="answer">Eusebius (you see by us).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last +work? <span class="answer">Because it's a cereal (serial) work.</span></p> + +<p>When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? +<span class="answer">When it's in a garden ("Enoch Arden").</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span></p> + +<p>How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? +<span class="answer">Because he always kept his +choler (collar) down.</span></p> + +<p>How can you instantly convict one of error +when stating who was the earliest poet? <span class="answer">By +mentioning one Prior.</span></p> + +<p>What was the most melancholy fact in the +history of Milton? <span class="answer">That he could "recite" +his poems, but not re-sight himself.</span></p> + +<p>Why do we speak of poetic fire? <span class="answer">Because +if the ancient Scandinavians had their +"Skalds," we have also had our Burns.</span></p> + +<p>What English poet does a mummy resemble? +<span class="answer">Dryden (dried-'un).</span></p> + +<p>What lady of the Dante family is most +often spoken of? <span class="answer">Ann-dante.</span></p> + +<p>Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? +<span class="answer">Because "Death loves a shining +mark."</span></p> + +<p>What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous +Roman nose? <span class="answer">"The Bridge of Sighs" +(the bridge of size).</span></p> + +<p>Why was Dickens a greater writer than +Shakespeare? <span class="answer">Shakespeare wrote well, but +Dickens wrote Weller.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> + +<p>What proof have we that Cowper was in +debt? <span class="answer">He "oh'd for a lodge in some vast +wilderness."</span></p> + +<p>Why should the poet have expected the +woodman to "spare that tree?" <span class="answer">Because he +thought he was a good feller (fellow).</span></p> + +<p>Why are the relics of the departed like a +man whose pocket has been robbed and the +thief escaped? <span class="answer">Because they have both felt +"the touch of a vanished hand."</span></p> + +<p>When is a pie like a poet? <span class="answer">When it's +Browning.</span></p> + +<p>What best describes and most impedes a +Pilgrim's Progress? <span class="answer">Bunyan (bunion).</span></p> + +<p>Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? +<span class="answer">Because in them we see the "Spectator."</span></p> + +<p>Was Othello thinking of his wife when he +killed her? <span class="answer">No, 's mother.</span></p> + +<p>What toe would you rather kiss than the +Pope's? <span class="answer">Mrs. Beecher S-towe.</span></p> + +<p>Who was the first whistler, and what tune +did he whistle? <span class="answer">The wind,—"Over the +Hills and Far Away."</span></p> + +<p>Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> +<span class="answer">Dickens. He wrote "All the Year Round," +while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning."</span></p> + +<p>What countryman was Burns? <span class="answer">A Scorchman.</span></p> + +<p>What change of identity did the "Beggar's +Opera" effect? <span class="answer">It made Gay rich, and Rich +gay.</span></p> + +<p>When was the greatest destruction of poultry? +<span class="answer">When King Claudius of Denmark +"did murder most foul."</span></p> + +<p>Why are the abbreviations of degrees +tacked on to a man's name? <span class="answer">To show that +he is a man of letters.</span></p> + +<p>"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love +like a potato?" <span class="answer">Because it shoots from the +eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by +pairing."</span></p> + +<p>If Falstaff had been musical what instrument +would he have chosen after dinner? +<span class="answer">The sackbut.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare +was a broker? <span class="answer">Because no man has furnished +so many stock quotations.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a statistician like a writer of one +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span> +of the Six Best Sellers? <span class="answer">Because he is the +author of well-figured fiction.</span></p> + +<p>Why are Parliamentary reports called +"Blue Books?" <span class="answer">Because they are never +re(a)d.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an architect like a newspaper +writer? <span class="answer">Because he gets so much "per column" +for his work.</span></p> + +<p>Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? +<span class="answer">Because he was a common tatur (commentator).</span></p> + +<p>Is there any bird which can recite the +"Lays of Ancient Rome?" <span class="answer">Yes, certainly, +Macaw-lays.</span></p> + +<p>Why cannot the Irish perform the play of +"Hamlet?" <span class="answer">Because they cannot help making +"Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine.</span></p> + +<p>What was Othello's occupation in Venice? +<span class="answer">That of a lawyer, because he was attorney-general +(a tawny general).</span></p> + +<p>If you took off your boot and put your +foot in the fire, what opera of Verdi's would +it instantly make you? <span class="answer">Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe).</span></p> + +<p>Why are unsuccessful contestants for a +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> +prize like Shakespeare? <span class="answer">Because they have +made "Much Ado About Nothing."</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between living "in +marble halls" and aboard ship? <span class="answer">In the +former you have "vassals and serfs at your +side," and in the latter you have vessels and +surfs at your side.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' +later plots should be complicated? <span class="answer">Because +one of his earlier works was all of a twist +(Oliver Twist).</span></p> + +<p>Why have the inhabitants of the city of +Boston less need of foreign bards than those +of any other city? <span class="answer">Because they can always +find poetry in their own "Holmes."</span></p> + +<p>Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone +set in jet? <span class="answer">Because he is deep read +(red) in Blackstone.</span></p> + + +<h3>Names of Authors</h3> + +<p>A slang expression. <span class="answer">Dickens.</span></p> + +<p>A brighter and a smarter one. <span class="answer">Whittier.</span></p> + +<p>Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a +well-beloved poet you'll see. <span class="answer">Bryant.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span></p> + +<p>It comes from a pig. <span class="answer">Bacon.</span></p> + +<p>II. <span class="answer">Mark Twain.</span></p> + +<p>A ten-footer whose name begins with +fifty. <span class="answer">Longfellow.</span></p> + +<p>Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long +ago. <span class="answer">Spencer.</span></p> + +<p>What is an oyster heap likely to become? +<span class="answer">Shelley.</span></p> + +<p>It is worn on the head. <span class="answer">Hood.</span></p> + +<p>A worker in precious metals. <span class="answer">Goldsmith.</span></p> + +<p>What is the value of a word? <span class="answer">Wordsworth.</span></p> + +<p>A domestic animal. <span class="answer">Lamb.</span></p> + +<p>He mends and repairs. <span class="answer">Cooper.</span></p> + +<p>Many people would like to kiss him. +<span class="answer">Pope.</span></p> + +<p>It pertains to a monastery. <span class="answer">Abbott.</span></p> + +<p>A domestic servant. <span class="answer">Cook.</span></p> + +<p>Which is the better playwright, William +Shakespeare or Brinsley Sheridan? <span class="answer">Willis.</span></p> + +<p>Part of a fish. <span class="answer">Finley.</span></p> + +<p>What the children delight in at the seashore. +<span class="answer">Sands.</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_VIII" id="CHAPTER_VIII"></a>CHAPTER VIII<br /> +<span class="smcap">Conundrums on the Alphabet</span></h2> + + +<p>What word is it of only three syllables +which combines in it twenty-six letters? +<span class="answer">Alphabet.</span></p> + +<p>Which word in the English language contains +the greatest number of letters? <span class="answer">Disproportionableness.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best bet ever made? <span class="answer">The +alphabet.</span></p> + +<p>When were there only two vowels? <span class="answer">In +the days of No-a, before U and I were born.</span></p> + +<p>When will there be but twenty-five letters +in the alphabet? <span class="answer">When U and I are one.</span></p> + +<p>Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet? +<span class="answer">Because it is always in fun.</span></p> + +<p>Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet? +<span class="answer">Because it is next to you.</span></p> + +<p>Which are the two hottest letters in the +alphabet? <span class="answer">K N (cayenne).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is O the most charitable letter in +the alphabet? <span class="answer">Because it is found oftener +than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter T like matrimony? <span class="answer">It +is the end of quiet and the beginning of +trouble.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? +<span class="answer">It converts oats into goats.</span></p> + +<p>When was B the first letter of the alphabet? +<span class="answer">In the days of No-a.</span></p> + +<p>What step must I take to remove A from +the alphabet? <span class="answer">B-head it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is A like a honeysuckle? <span class="answer">Because +a "B" follows it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter W like a scandal? +<span class="answer">Because it makes ill will.</span></p> + +<p>Why are two t's like hops? <span class="answer">Because they +make beer better.</span></p> + +<p>Spell enemy in three letters. <span class="answer">No, not +N M E; it's F O E.</span></p> + +<p>Spell auburn locks in two letters. <span class="answer">S and Y.</span></p> + +<p>Spell brandy in three letters. <span class="answer">B R and Y, +and O D V.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p> + +<p>What must you add to nine to make it six? +<span class="answer">S, for IX with S is six.</span></p> + +<p>If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner, +which letters could not accept your kind +invitation till later in the evening? <span class="answer">The last +six, as they couldn't come till after T.</span></p> + +<p>How can you tell a girl of the name of +Ellen that she is everything that is delightful +in eight letters? <span class="answer">U-r-a-bu-t-l-n.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which occurs twice in a moment +and not once in a thousand years? +<span class="answer">The letter M.</span></p> + +<p>Why is A like twelve o'clock? <span class="answer">Because it's +the middle of day.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a false friend like the letter P? +<span class="answer">Because, though always first in pity, he is +ever last in help.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? +<span class="answer">Because it's near O (Nero).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? <span class="answer">Because +it will make an eel feel.</span></p> + +<p>What letter is that which is invisible, but +never out of sight? <span class="answer">I.</span></p> + +<p>How would you express in two letters that +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> +you were twice the bulk of your companion? +<span class="answer">I W (I double you).</span></p> + +<p>What two Christian names read the same +both ways? <span class="answer">Hannah and Anna.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first +U in cucumber? <span class="answer">Because it's between two +seas (c's).</span></p> + +<p>What word is there of eight letters which +has five of them the same? <span class="answer">Oroonoko.</span></p> + +<p>Why is O the noisiest of all vowels? +<span class="answer">Because you cannot make a horrid loud noise +without it, whilst all the others are in<em>au</em>d<em>i</em>bl<em>e</em>.</span></p> + +<p>What word contains the five vowels in +their order? <span class="answer">Facetious.</span></p> + +<p>Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? +<span class="answer">Because it is in the center of bliss, whilst E +is in h<em>e</em>ll, and all the others are in p<em>u</em>rg<em>a</em>t<em>o</em>ry.</span></p> + +<p>What must all the letters of the alphabet +be in order to possess infinite sagacity? +<span class="answer">Wise (y's).</span></p> + +<p>Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. <span class="answer">Too +wise you are, two wise you be; I see you are +too wise for me.</span></p> + +<p>What are those things, which, though they +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> +appear twice in every day, and twice in every +week, yet are only seen twice in a year? +<span class="answer">Vowels.</span></p> + +<p>What letter in the alphabet is necessary to +make a shoe? <span class="answer">The last.</span></p> + +<p>What word of six letters admits of five +successive elisions, leaving at each abbreviation +a well-known word? <span class="answer">Brandy—brand—bran—ran—an—a.</span></p> + +<p>Name two English words, one of which, +being of one syllable only, shall contain more +letters than the other of five syllables? +<span class="answer">Strength—Ideality.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a glass-blower the most likely person +to set the alphabet off at a gallop? <span class="answer">Because +he can make a D-canter.</span></p> + +<p>What word of six letters contains six words +besides itself, without transposing a letter? +<span class="answer">Herein—he—her—here—ere—rein—in.</span></p> + +<p>Is there a word in the English language +which contains all the vowels? <span class="answer">Yes, unquestionably.</span></p> + +<p>Why is quizzing like the letter D on +horseback? <span class="answer">It is deriding (D riding).</span></p> + +<p>When did "Chicago" begin with a "C" +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span> +and end with an "e"? <span class="answer">Chicago always began +with a "C" and end always began with +an "e."</span></p> + +<p>There is an English word of more than +two letters, of which la is the middle, is +the beginning, and is the end, though there +is but one "a" and one "l" in the word. +What is it? <span class="answer">Island, of which "la" is the +middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the +end.</span></p> + +<p>What word is there of five letters, that, +by taking two away, leaves but one? <span class="answer">Stone.</span></p> + +<p>What word of one syllable, if you take +two letters from it, remains a word of two +syllables? <span class="answer">Plague; ague.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented +vowel? <span class="answer">Because, though never +out of health and pocket, it never appears +in spirits.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters +of the alphabet of more importance +than the others? <span class="answer">Because we cannot get +ON well without them.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter D like a squalling child? +<span class="answer">Because it makes ma mad.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p> + +<p>What river is ever without a beginning +and ending? <span class="answer">S-ever-n.</span></p> + +<p>Which is the coldest river? <span class="answer">The Ice is +(Isis).</span></p> + +<p>What word of ten letters can be spelled +with five? <span class="answer">XPDNC (expediency).</span></p> + +<p>What word of four syllables represents +Sin riding on a little animal? <span class="answer">Synonymous +(Sin on a mouse).</span></p> + +<p>Why is an island like the letter T? <span class="answer">Because +it is in the midst of water (wa-t-er).</span></p> + +<p>Like what four letters of the alphabet is +a honey-producing insect when in small +health? <span class="answer">Like A B C D (a bee seedy).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? +<span class="answer">Because it makes needles needless.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? +<span class="answer">Because it is devoid of e's (ease).</span></p> + +<p>What two letters do boys delight in to the +annoyance of their elders? <span class="answer">Two t's (to +tease).</span></p> + +<p>What single word would you put down for +$40 borrowed from you? <span class="answer">XL lent (excellent).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p> + +<p>What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf +woman? <span class="answer">A, because it makes her hear.</span></p> + +<p>What word is it, which, by changing a +single letter, becomes its own opposite? +<span class="answer">United, untied.</span></p> + +<p>Why should the male sex avoid the letter +A? <span class="answer">Because it makes men mean.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a schoolmistress like the letter +C? <span class="answer">Because she forms lasses into classes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? +<span class="answer">Because it is always in waiting.</span></p> + +<p>Spell an interrogation with one letter. <span class="answer">Y +(why?).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter T like an amphibious +animal? <span class="answer">Because it lives both in earth and +water.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the nose on your face like the v +in civility? <span class="answer">Because it's between two eyes +(i's).</span></p> + +<p>Take away one letter from me, and like +Macbeth I murder; take away two, and I +probably shall die, if my whole does not save +me. <span class="answer">Kill-ill-skill.</span></p> + +<p>There is a word of three syllables, from +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> +which if you take away five letters a male will +remain; if you take away four, a female will +be conspicuous; if you take away three, a +great man will appear; and the whole word +shows what Joan of Arc was? <span class="answer">He, her, +hero, heroine.</span></p> + +<p>What letter in the Dutch alphabet will +name an English lady of title? <span class="answer">A Dutch-S.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? +<span class="answer">Because we can't be wed without it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? +<span class="answer">Because it is the end of pork.</span></p> + +<p>How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? +<span class="answer">P G, pig without an I.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a horse like the letter O? <span class="answer">Because +Gee makes it Go.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? <span class="answer">It +is nothing without its tail.</span></p> + +<p>When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled +generosity? <span class="answer">When it enables a +lady to make over a lover.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? +<span class="answer">It is the end of beef.</span></p> + +<p>Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters? +<span class="answer">C D (seedy).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> + +<p>Make five less by adding to it. <span class="answer">V, IV.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? +<span class="answer">Because it begins and ends in sauciness.</span></p> + +<p>What small animal is turned into a larger +one by beheading it? <span class="answer">Fox—ox.</span></p> + +<p>Why are sidewalks in winter like music? +<span class="answer">If you don't C sharp, you will B flat.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? +<span class="answer">Because she's never inconsolable.</span></p> + +<p>What two letters express the most agreeable +people in the world? <span class="answer">U and I.</span></p> + +<p>How does the letter Y work an impossibility? +<span class="answer">It makes a lad into a lady.</span></p> + +<p>Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal +will be transposed into a point. <span class="answer">Add X to +ape, and you obtain apex.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter N like a pig? <span class="answer">Because +it makes a sty nasty.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? +<span class="answer">When I get to C U (see you) I forget everything +else.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter B like a fire? <span class="answer">Because +it makes oil boil.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter R a profitable letter? +<span class="answer">Because it makes ice into rice.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter T like Easter? <span class="answer">Because +it's the last of Lent.</span></p> + +<p>When does a blacksmith make a row in the +alphabet? <span class="answer">When he makes a poke-R and +shove-L.</span></p> + +<p>What did the old woman say when she +looked into the empty flour barrel? +<span class="answer">O I C U R M T.</span></p> + +<p>Why did Noah object to the letter D? +<span class="answer">Because it made the ark dark.</span></p> + +<p>Why are stars like an old barn? <span class="answer">Because +there are r, a, t, s in both.</span></p> + +<p>What are the worst letters of recommendation? +<span class="answer">I O U.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the letter D like a sailor? <span class="answer">It +follows the C (sea).</span></p> + +<p>If I were in the sun and you out of it, +what would the sun become? <span class="answer">Sin.</span></p> + +<p>I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I +frequently stand upon one leg; if you behead +me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate +me I stand upon four. I shall think you are +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> +related to me if you do not now recognize +me. <span class="answer">Glass—lass—ass.</span></p> + +<p> +Three letters three rivers proclaim. <span class="answer">Ex, Wye, Dee.</span><br /> +Three letters an ode give to fame. <span class="answer">L E G (elegy).</span><br /> +Three letters an attribute name. <span class="answer">N R G (energy).</span><br /> +Three letters a compliment claim. <span class="answer">U X L (You excel).</span><br /> +</p> + +<p> +The beginning of eternity,<br /> +The end of time and space,<br /> +The beginning of every end,<br /> +The end of every race. <span class="answer">Letter E.</span><br /> +</p> + +<p> +One letter's a tree? <span class="answer">U (yew).</span><br /> +One means to agree? <span class="answer">A (aye).</span><br /> +One is to drink? <span class="answer">T (tea).</span><br /> +One a bird, think? <span class="answer">J (jay).</span><br /> +</p> + +<p> +Now of letters that rhyme<br /> +You must guess them in time;<br /> +One is an insect busy all day? <span class="answer">B (bee).</span><br /> +One is a river that wends on its way? <span class="answer">D (Dee).</span><br /> +One is a slang word it is best not to say? <span class="answer">G (Gee).</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> +These two letters are not at all hard? <span class="answer">E Z (easy).</span><br /> +These letters form a literary composition? <span class="answer">S A (essay).</span><br /> +These letters will decompose? <span class="answer">D K (decay).</span><br /> +These letters form a material to wear? <span class="answer">P K (pique).</span><br /> +These letters do the best of all? <span class="answer">X L (excel).</span><br /> +These letters form a tree? <span class="answer">L M (elm).</span><br /> +The meaning of these letters is not full? <span class="answer">M T (empty).</span><br /></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_IX" id="CHAPTER_IX"></a>CHAPTER IX<br /> +<span class="smcap">General Conundrums</span></h2> + + +<p>Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? <span class="answer">Because +it is first cradled, then threshed, and +afterward becomes the flower of the family.</span></p> + +<p>What is it that is queer about flowers? +<span class="answer">They shoot before they have pistils.</span></p> + +<p>What is the worst thing to catch afire? +<span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man who has parted from his bed +like one obliged to keep it? <span class="answer">He is bedridden.</span></p> + +<p>What is the oldest coupler in use? <span class="answer">The +wedding ring.</span></p> + +<p>Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? <span class="answer">Because +they make the butterfly.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a mouse +and a young lady? <span class="answer">The one harms the +cheese, the other charms the "he's."</span></p> + +<p>When is a man thinner than a lath? +<span class="answer">When he is a-shaving.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? +<span class="answer">Because she is surrounded by felloes +(fellows).</span></p> + +<p>Of what religious persuasion is the sea? +<span class="answer">A Quaker—for it has a broad brim.</span></p> + +<p>Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing +at all. <span class="answer">A shadow.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which, though black itself, +enlightens the world? <span class="answer">Ink.</span></p> + +<p>When is a sailor not a sailor? <span class="answer">When +he's a-board.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a chess-player +and an habitual toper? <span class="answer">One watches +the pawn, the other pawns the watch.</span></p> + +<p>Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? +<span class="answer">A le(a)d horse.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? +<span class="answer">For-tune, made up of bank-notes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his +fortune, like the water in a filter? <span class="answer">Because +he soon runs through it, and leaves many +matters behind to settle.</span></p> + +<p>Why is English grammar like gout? <span class="answer">Because +it's torture (taught yer).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is an office with no work to do like a +good dinner eaten by an invalid? <span class="answer">Because +it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a shoeblack like an editor? <span class="answer">Because +he polishes the understandings of his +patrons.</span></p> + +<p>Why is opening a letter like taking a very +queer method of entering a room? <span class="answer">Because +it is breaking through the sealing +(ceiling).</span></p> + +<p>Why are persons with short memories +like office-holders? <span class="answer">Because they are always +for-getting everything.</span></p> + +<p>What word is it which expresses two +things we men all wish to get, one bringing +the other, but which if we do get them, the +one bringing the other, we are unhappy? +<span class="answer">Miss-fortune.</span></p> + +<p>When is sugar like a pig's tooth? <span class="answer">When +in a hog's head.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a joint company not like a watch? +<span class="answer">Because it does not go after it is wound up.</span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to be personally +involved? <span class="answer">When he is wrapped up in himself.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76">[Pg 76]</a></span></p> + +<p>What wind should a hungry sailor wish +for? <span class="answer">One that blows fowl and chops about.</span></p> + +<p>Why are bookkeepers like chickens? <span class="answer">Because +they have to scratch for a living.</span></p> + +<p>Why do British soldiers never run away? +<span class="answer">Because they belong to the standing army.</span></p> + +<p>What part of a car resembles a person? +<span class="answer">The wheel, because it is tired.</span></p> + +<p>On which side of a pitcher is the handle? +<span class="answer">The outside.</span></p> + +<p>When may a chair be said to dislike you? +<span class="answer">When it can't bear you.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which divides by uniting and +unites by dividing? <span class="answer">The scissors.</span></p> + +<p>Why are young children like castles in the +air? <span class="answer">Because their existence is only in-fancy.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a proud girl like a music book? +<span class="answer">She is full of airs.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a short negro like a white man? +<span class="answer">Because he is not at all black (not a tall +black).</span></p> + +<p>Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate +things? <span class="answer">Because they make a noise +whenever they are told (tolled).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the most discontented man the +most easily satisfied? <span class="answer">Nothing satisfies him.</span></p> + +<p>Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like +thieves? <span class="answer">They ought to be taken up.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for +cheating us? <span class="answer">We call them to take us in.</span></p> + +<p>Why are weary people like carriage +wheels? <span class="answer">Because they are tired.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a tall man eat less than a short +man? <span class="answer">Because he makes a little go a long +way.</span></p> + +<p>What is the dryest subject? <span class="answer">The mummy.</span></p> + +<p>When are candles and women most alike? +<span class="answer">When sputtering.</span></p> + +<p>Why are confectioners so much sought +for? <span class="answer">Because they serve kisses.</span></p> + +<p>How many sides has a pitcher? <span class="answer">Two, inside +and outside.</span></p> + +<p>What is wind like in a storm? <span class="answer">Like to +blow your hat off.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between an honest +and dishonest laundress? <span class="answer">One irons your +linen, the other steals it.</span></p> + +<p>When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> +<span class="answer">When he appears after the storm +is over.</span></p> + +<p>Where are we most likely to find the sky +blue? <span class="answer">The nearer we go to the Milky Way.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a wealthy +toper and a skillful miner? <span class="answer">One turns his +gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz +into gold.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an orange like a church steeple? +<span class="answer">Because we have a peel from it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer +of a hypocrite? <span class="answer">Because it's a solemn sound +from a thoughtless tongue.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? +<span class="answer">Because he's faithful to the last.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a honeycomb +and a honeymoon? <span class="answer">One is made up +of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous +sell only.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the crabbed old bachelor who +made the above conundrum like a harp +struck by lightning? <span class="answer">Because he is a blasted +lyre.</span></p> + +<p>When is truth not truth any longer? +<span class="answer">When it lies at the bottom of a well.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> + +<p>What should a clergyman preach about? +<span class="answer">About a quarter of an hour.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man's pastor really and truly +his brother? <span class="answer">When he's his pa's son (parson).</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to hide a bear; it +doesn't matter how big he is—the bigger the +better? <span class="answer">Skin him.</span></p> + +<p>Why are sentries like day and night? <span class="answer">Because +when one comes the other goes.</span></p> + +<p>When does the eagle turn carpenter? +<span class="answer">When he soars (saws) the woods—and +plains.</span></p> + +<p>Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee +like? <span class="answer">An axe with a dull edge, because it +must be ground before it can be used.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? <span class="answer">Because +it is making use of flash language.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a spider a good correspondent? +<span class="answer">Because he drops a line by every post.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a correspondent +and a corespondent? <span class="answer">One is a man +who does write (right), and the other a +man who does wrong.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span></p> + +<p>What kind of servants are best for hotels? +<span class="answer">The inn-experienced.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of a day would be a good one +to run for a cup? <span class="answer">A muggy one.</span></p> + +<p>Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? +<span class="answer">Because the more you lick them the faster +they go.</span></p> + +<p>Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid +waistcoat? <span class="answer">To keep a check on his stomach.</span></p> + +<p>When a church is burning, what is the only +part that runs no chance of being saved? +<span class="answer">The organ, because the engine can't play +upon it.</span></p> + +<p>When are sheep stationery? <span class="answer">When turned +into pens, and into paper when folded.</span></p> + +<p>What key in music will make a good officer? +<span class="answer">A Sharp Major.</span></p> + +<p>What is the key-note to good manners? +<span class="answer">B Natural.</span></p> + +<p>In what key should a declaration of love +be made? <span class="answer">Be mine, ah! (B Minor).</span></p> + +<p>Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk +of drowning? <span class="answer">Because they are so accustomed +to keep their noses above water.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> + +<p>What kind of a cravat would a hog be +most likely to choose? <span class="answer">A pigs-tye, of course.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? +<span class="answer">Because she's empty, yet full of bounce.</span></p> + +<p>When is a butcher a thorough thief? +<span class="answer">When he steals a knife and cuts away with +it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a field of grass like a person older +than yourself? <span class="answer">Because it's past-your-age +(pasturage).</span></p> + +<p>If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where +should he go to supply the deficiency? <span class="answer">To +a grog shop, because there bad spirits are +retailed.</span></p> + +<p>What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant +acquaintance? <span class="answer">Absence.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental +boy and girl kissing? <span class="answer">Because it's a +syllabus (silly buss).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pictorial riddle like a second +kiss? <span class="answer">Because it's a rebus (re-buss).</span></p> + +<p>Why is the latest thing in a fashionable +gown like the South African bushman's +club? <span class="answer">Because it's "perfectly stunning."</span></p> + +<p>Why is a department store like a country +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span> +sewing circle? <span class="answer">Because it has so many notions.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a music teacher like a baseball +coach? <span class="answer">Because he frequently says, "Try +that last run over again."</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a bright +scholar and shoe polish? <span class="answer">One shines at the +head, the other at the foot.</span></p> + +<p>What is a better investment the worse it +is? <span class="answer">A tenement.</span></p> + +<p>When does a musician fail? <span class="answer">When he is +unable to discount his notes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary +confinement? <span class="answer">Because he has too much +time on his hands.</span></p> + +<p>When is a doctor like a cross-tempered +man? <span class="answer">When he is losing his patients.</span></p> + +<p>Under what circumstances are a builder +and a newspaper reporter equally likely to +fail? <span class="answer">When they make up stories without +foundations.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? +<span class="answer">Because his mind is always on the rack, and +his only consolation is woe (whoa!).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a good joke like the modern ballot +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span> +box? <span class="answer">Because it is the greatest repeater +known to history.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dressmaker braver than an +actor? <span class="answer">Because she is not afraid of the +hook.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the aspiring poet about to approach +an editor with his verses like a consumptive? +<span class="answer">Because he's going into a decline.</span></p> + +<p>Why is turkey a fashionable bird? <span class="answer">Because +he always appears well dressed.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a candle-maker never be +pitied? <span class="answer">Because all his works are wicked, +and all his wicked works, when brought to +light, are only made light of.</span></p> + +<p>How would you increase the speed of a +very slow boat? <span class="answer">Make her fast.</span></p> + +<p>Why is matrimony like an invested city? +<span class="answer">Because when we are out of it we wish to +be in it, and when we are in it we wish to +be out of it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a person of short stature like an +almanac? <span class="answer">Because he is often looked over +or over-looked.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> +option on a certain girl's kisses? <span class="answer">Because +it's an omnibus.</span></p> + +<p>Why are seasick excursionists like a strong +opposition in Congress? <span class="answer">Because they are +opposed to the motion.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the aėronaut whose airship plows +into the earth like a successful speculator? +<span class="answer">Because he has taken a flier in real estate.</span></p> + +<p>Why are airship inventors like musicians? +<span class="answer">Because they bend all their energies to the +conquest of the air.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the speeches of an orator heard +through a phonograph like the State House +dome? <span class="answer">Because they are hollow but illuminating.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular +dentist? <span class="answer">Because each has lost his +pull.</span></p> + +<p>Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? +<span class="answer">Because they propagate.</span></p> + +<p>Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? +<span class="answer">Because it's all powder and puff.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? +<span class="answer">Because we can't enjoy it without crackers.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why ought women to be employed in a +post-office? <span class="answer">Because they know how to manage +the mails (males).</span></p> + +<p>Why do the recriminations of married +couples resemble the sound of waves on the +shore? <span class="answer">Because they are murmurs of the +tied (tide).</span></p> + +<p>What have you now before you which +would give you a company, a veiled lady, and +a noisy toy? <span class="answer">Co-nun-drum.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep +liable to arrest? <span class="answer">Because she is engaged in +a kid-napping project.</span></p> + +<p>What is the cheapest candy? <span class="answer">Horehound, +because the advertisements of it read constantly, +"Horehound drops 10 cents a lb."</span></p> + +<p>Why does a rich lady act prudently by +marrying a penniless man? <span class="answer">Because she +husbands her resources.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a straw hat never be raised to +a lady? <span class="answer">Because, no matter how much you +raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is +never felt.</span></p> + +<p>When is a wall like a fish? <span class="answer">When it is +scaled.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps +to believe in the existence of young ladies? +<span class="answer">Because he calls every Miss a Myth.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a specimen of handwriting like a +dead pig? <span class="answer">Because it is done with the +pen.</span></p> + +<p>Why are good intentions like fainting +ladies? <span class="answer">Because all they want is carrying +out.</span></p> + +<p>What is it we all frequently say we will +do and no one has ever yet done? <span class="answer">Stop a +minute.</span></p> + +<p>Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? +<span class="answer">Because he must take it off its guard.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a +true convert? <span class="answer">Because its turning is the result +of conviction.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable +one to follow? <span class="answer">Because, by conducting it +with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than +most others, and all his drafts (draughts) +are paid.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the inside of everything mysterious? +<span class="answer">Because we can't make it out.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which a woman frequently +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span> +gives her lovely countenance to, yet never +takes kindly? <span class="answer">The small-pox.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of +ill events? <span class="answer">Because it is an auger-ill.</span></p> + +<p>What is the strongest day? <span class="answer">Sunday, because +all of the others are "week" days.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to make the hours go +fast? <span class="answer">Use the spur of the moment.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a +phantom? <span class="answer">Because he's an airy-naught +(aėronaut).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fool in a high station like a man +in a balloon? <span class="answer">Because everybody appears +little to him, and he appears little to everybody.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an old coat like iron? <span class="answer">Because it +is a specimen of hard-ware.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? <span class="answer">Because +it runs.</span></p> + +<p>If a man attempts to jump a ditch and +falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of +summer? <span class="answer">Because the fall follows right +after the spring, unless he makes a summerset +between them.</span></p> + +<p>What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span> +four inches of steel plating and all its guns +on board, weigh just before starting on a +cruise? <span class="answer">She weighs anchor.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? +<span class="answer">Because she brings in the close (clothes) of +the week.</span></p> + +<p>When is it a good thing to lose your temper? +<span class="answer">When it is a bad one.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a man never marry a woman +named Ellen? <span class="answer">Because he rings his own +(k)nell.</span></p> + +<p>What is it which covers a multitude of +sin(ner)s? <span class="answer">The gravestone.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a vessel being blown out to sea +like a bankrupt householder? <span class="answer">Because both +submit to a forced sail.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a rooster on a <a class="corr" name="TC_5" id="TC_5" title="fency">fence</a> like a penny? +<span class="answer">Because his head's on one side and tail's on +the other.</span></p> + +<p>What is the military definition of a kiss? +<span class="answer">A report at headquarters.</span></p> + +<p>Why are washerwomen foolish people? +<span class="answer">Because they put out their tubs to catch soft +water when it rains hard.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is smaller than a mite's mouth? +<span class="answer">What goes into it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is love always represented as a child? +<span class="answer">Because he never reaches the age of discretion.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? +<span class="answer">Because he has a visible means of +support.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between photography +and whooping-cough? <span class="answer">The one makes +facsimiles, the other sick families.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dog like a man four feet ten +inches tall? <span class="answer">Because he stands over four +feet.</span></p> + +<p>Why does the mayor order the saloons +closed after a great fire? <span class="answer">That the people +may not try to drown their losses.</span></p> + +<p>What is it which more people lie under +than upon? <span class="answer">The gravestone.</span></p> + +<p>What is it that opens to all comers, advertises +only the doctors, and yet is good for +everything that ails you? <span class="answer">The grave.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bride, weary of her apartment +home, like a wrecked automobile? <span class="answer">They've +both got flat tire.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a gardener like a detective-story +writer? <span class="answer">Because he works up his plot.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a widower in love again like a good +gardener? <span class="answer">Because he immediately removes +his weeds.</span></p> + +<p>Why can the weight of an illuminating +argument never be accurately determined? +<span class="answer">Because as the hearer weighs the words the +scales fall from his eyes.</span></p> + +<p>How does the surgeon, whose bill for an +operation has been delayed by executors, resemble +his deceased patient? <span class="answer">He feels terribly +cut up.</span></p> + +<p>How does the cavalryman whose horse +has thrown him differ from the faithful orderly? +<span class="answer">He obeys orders from hind quarters, +while the orderly obeys orders from +headquarters.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best place to sow wild oats? +<span class="answer">Near a bank.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? +<span class="answer">Because he can make you a-light.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an automobilist who exceeds the +speed limit like a social reprobate? <span class="answer">Because +he's too fast.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? +<span class="answer">Because it has a matrimonial co-respondents' +(correspondence) section.</span></p> + +<p>What is the longest word in the English +language? <span class="answer">Smiles, because it has a mile between +its first and last letters.</span></p> + +<p>Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a +pound of feathers? <span class="answer">A pound of feathers, +which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound +of gold is a pound troy.</span></p> + +<p>What is the first thing you do when you +get into bed? <span class="answer">You make an impression.</span></p> + +<p>Why is twice ten like twice eleven? <span class="answer">Because +twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is +twenty-two (too).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye +no better than an eye destroyed? +<span class="answer">Because it's an-eye-elated.</span></p> + +<p>That which every one requires, that which +every one gives, that which every one asks, +and that which very few take? <span class="answer">Advice.</span></p> + +<p>When is a thief like a reporter? <span class="answer">When +he takes notes.</span></p> + +<p>When is a nation like a baby? <span class="answer">When it is +in arms.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> + +<p>What does the lamp post become when the +lamp is removed? <span class="answer">A lamp lighter.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a mother who spoils her child like +a person building castles in the air? <span class="answer">She +indulges in-fancy too much.</span></p> + +<p>When you listen to your little brother's +drum, why are you like a just judge? <span class="answer">Because +you hear both sides.</span></p> + +<p>What is the action of the moon? <span class="answer">It affects +physically the tide, and sentimentally +the untied.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a father who frequently thrashes +his boy likely to be prosecuted? <span class="answer">Because he +exerts undue influence in the making of a will.</span></p> + +<p>How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt +now travel? <span class="answer">By ex-Pres.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical +convalescent? <span class="answer">Because he's been operated +on.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the humiliated braggart like the +small boy who has drunk the washing fluid? +<span class="answer">Because he has swallowed the lye.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the fresh young upstart like an +aėrial postman? <span class="answer">Because he's up and coming.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is an elevator man like an aėronaut? +<span class="answer">Because his life is all ups and downs.</span></p> + +<p>What is the coldest place in an opera +house? <span class="answer">Z row.</span></p> + +<p>What will eventually change the size of +the auto? <span class="answer">The demand for more gauge +(mortgage) which the present fad creates.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the nurse of an insane ward like +a popular opera star? <span class="answer">Because everybody's +crazy about him.</span></p> + +<p>Why do love letters have a financial +value? <span class="answer">Because they are promissory notes.</span></p> + +<p>When are words musical? <span class="answer">When they +have a ring to them.</span></p> + +<p>When is a woman a live wire? <span class="answer">When +she's shocking.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops +on the prairies? <span class="answer">Because of the frequency +of whirlwinds there.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an astronomer like a theatrical +manager? <span class="answer">Because he's always looking for +new stars.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an airship bequeathed you by your +father like the portrait of an ancestor? <span class="answer">Because +it is a family heirloom.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? +<span class="answer">When it is a little bare.</span></p> + +<p>When is a fish above its station? <span class="answer">When +it rises and takes a fly.</span></p> + +<p>When is a boy not a boy? <span class="answer">When he is a +regular brick.</span></p> + +<p>When is a piece of wood like a queen? +<span class="answer">When it is made into a ruler.</span></p> + +<p>When is a skein of thread like the root of +an oak? <span class="answer">When it is full of knots.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which has a mouth but never +speaks, and a bed but never sleeps in it? <span class="answer">A +river.</span></p> + +<p>Why should you never have a tailor who +does not understand his trade? <span class="answer">Because you +would get bad habits from him.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a sailor +and a soldier? <span class="answer">One tars his ropes, the other +pitches his tent.</span></p> + +<p>Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? +<span class="answer">Falsehood.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best thing to make in a hurry? +<span class="answer">Haste.</span></p> + +<p>Why are cobblers like a famous physician? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span> +<span class="answer">They are skilled in the art of healing (heeling).</span></p> + +<p>What pen ought never to be used for writing? +<span class="answer">A sheep pen.</span></p> + +<p>When is a subject beneath one's notice? +<span class="answer">When it is under consideration.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? +<span class="answer">He knows the value of his sovereign.</span></p> + +<p>When is a bill not a bill? <span class="answer">When it is dew.</span></p> + +<p>What is the proper newspaper for invalids? +<span class="answer">The Weekly News.</span></p> + +<p>When is a pint of milk not a pint? <span class="answer">When +it's condensed.</span></p> + +<p>What tune makes everybody glad? <span class="answer">Fortune.</span></p> + +<p>What is it that has four legs and only +one foot? <span class="answer">A bedstead.</span></p> + +<p>Why is attar of roses never moved without +orders? <span class="answer">Because it is sent wherever it +goes.</span></p> + +<p>What goes most against a farmer's grain? +<span class="answer">His reaper.</span></p> + +<p>What precious stone is like the entrance to +a field? <span class="answer">A-gate.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is a man like frozen rain? <span class="answer">When +he is hale (hail).</span></p> + +<p>Which of the stars should be subject to the +game laws? <span class="answer">Shooting stars.</span></p> + +<p>What garden crop would save draining? +<span class="answer">Leeks.</span></p> + +<p>When does a cook break the game laws? +<span class="answer">When she poaches eggs.</span></p> + +<p>When is a river like a young lady? <span class="answer">When +it is crossed.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? +<span class="answer">Because he often feels a great deal bored.</span></p> + +<p>When does a donkey weigh least? <span class="answer">When +he is within the pound.</span></p> + +<p>What is the last blow a defeated ship gives +in battle? <span class="answer">Striking her own flag.</span></p> + +<p>What had better be done when there is a +great rent on a farm? <span class="answer">It had better be sewn +(sown).</span></p> + +<p>Why should onions be planted near the +potatoes in a garden? <span class="answer">So that the onions +may have a tear-producing effect upon the +eyes of the potatoes and make them self-irrigating.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why may not the proprietor of a forest +fell his own timber? <span class="answer">Because no one is allowed +to cut when it is his own deal.</span></p> + +<p>What is the oldest piece of furniture in the +world? <span class="answer">The multiplication table.</span></p> + +<p>Which is the greatest number, six dozen +dozen or half a dozen dozen? <span class="answer">Six dozen +dozen, of course.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which, the more you take +from it, the larger it grows? <span class="answer">A hole.</span></p> + +<p>If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what +blessing would it invoke? <span class="answer">A bee-attitude.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? +<span class="answer">Because he is equal to any post.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an artist stronger than a horse? +<span class="answer">Because he can draw Windsor Castle all by +himself, and take it clean away in his pocket +if necessary.</span></p> + +<p>Why is money often moist? <span class="answer">Because it is +frequently dew in the morning, and mist at +night.</span></p> + +<p>Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? +<span class="answer">Because they lie first on one side, and then +on the other, and remain wide awake all the +time.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> + +<p>And what do they do when they die? <span class="answer">Lie +still.</span></p> + +<p>When is a lawyer like a donkey? <span class="answer">When +drawing a conveyance.</span></p> + +<p>What proverb must a lawyer <em>not</em> act up +to? <span class="answer">He must not take the will for the deed.</span></p> + +<p>Why will scooping out a turnip be a +noisy process? <span class="answer">Because it makes it hollow.</span></p> + +<p>When was beef the highest? <span class="answer">When the +cow jumped over the moon.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between one yard +and two yards? <span class="answer">A fence.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a straw hat like kissing through +the telephone? <span class="answer">Because neither is felt.</span></p> + +<p>Why is your shadow like a false friend? +<span class="answer">Because it only follows you in sunshine.</span></p> + +<p>Why is your nose in the middle of your +face? <span class="answer">Because it is the scenter.</span></p> + +<p>If a woman asks her blind lover the color +of a flower, what would he say? <span class="answer">"I have no +i-dea."</span></p> + +<p>When are lawyers circumstances? <span class="answer">When +they alter cases.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? +<span class="answer">It keeps a-waggin'.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are chickens liberal? <span class="answer">They give a +<em>peck</em> when they take a <em>grain</em>.</span></p> + +<p>What animals are in the clouds? <span class="answer"><a class="corr" name="TC_6" id="TC_6" title="Rain-dear">Rain-deer</a>.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a young lawyer in his office like one +of his chickens roosting on his neighbor's +fence? <span class="answer">He has no business there.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between perseverance +and obstinacy? <span class="answer">One arises from a +strong <em>will</em>, the other from a strong <em>won't</em>.</span></p> + +<p>In what color should friendship be kept? +<span class="answer">In violet.</span></p> + +<p>What is the noblest musical instrument? +An upright piano. What the vilest? <span class="answer">A +lyre.</span></p> + +<p>How do seamstresses resemble rascals? +<span class="answer">They cut and run.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of +conundrums? <span class="answer">Because it is full of notions.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the +water? <span class="answer">Because he goes on swimmingly.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the man who falls in the kennel +approved of? <span class="answer">Because he's add-mir'd.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an organ an enemy to religion? +<span class="answer">Because it stands against the communion.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are sharpers like sparrows? <span class="answer">Because +they feather their nests.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? +<span class="answer">Because it always does as the company does.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a newspaper like a lame man? +<span class="answer">Because it generally lies.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a staircase like a back-biter? <span class="answer">Because +its rail's against you.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a high wind like a dumb man in +distress? <span class="answer">Because it makes moving signs.</span></p> + +<p>Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? +<span class="answer">They <em>gambol</em> all their youth, live by +the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and +they get fleeced at last.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting +dog? <span class="answer">He makes a little <em>hare</em> go a great way.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a horse that is constantly rid, +though never fed, never starved? <span class="answer">Because +he's never without a bit.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a sleepy servant like a warming +pan? <span class="answer">Because he's in bed before his master.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad +teeth? <span class="answer">Because he has a good many achers.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an apple like a good song? <span class="answer">Because +it is encored.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a +gun? <span class="answer">Because it covers the ball.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a smith like a ferryman? <span class="answer">Because +his business is to work ore.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter +house? <span class="answer">Because it holds the stock in +(stocking).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a holly bush like a corpse? <span class="answer">Because +it is or will be berry'd.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an apron like peas? <span class="answer">Because it is +gathered.</span></p> + +<p>Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed +coming out of the opera, does it make him +complimentary to the ladies? <span class="answer">Because the +pressure makes him flatter.</span></p> + +<p>Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders +like two beautiful young ladies? <span class="answer">Because +they're pair-o'-guns (paragons).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? +<span class="answer">Because when once changed it soon goes.</span></p> + +<p>What herb is most injurious to a lady's +beauty? <span class="answer">Thyme.</span></p> + +<p>When is a superb woman like bread? +<span class="answer">When given as a toast.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a lover's heart like a whale? <span class="answer">Because +it's a secreter (sea creatur') of great +sighs (size).</span></p> + +<p>How many wives are you allowed by the +Prayer-book? <span class="answer">Sixteen, viz.: Fo(u)r better, +fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; +total, sixteen.</span></p> + +<p>Why is paper like a beggar? <span class="answer">Because it +is composed of rags.</span></p> + +<p>Why can Satan never be uncivil? <span class="answer">Because +the Imp o' Darkness can never be Imp o' +Light.</span></p> + +<p>Who is the man who carries everything +before him? <span class="answer">The footman.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? +<span class="answer">Because he makes people steal (steel) pens +and tells them they do write (right).</span></p> + +<p>What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? +<span class="answer">A pig-sty.</span></p> + +<p>What is better than God, worse than the +devil, what the dead live on, and the living +would die if they lived on? <span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a prudent man like a pin? <span class="answer">Because +his head prevents him from going too +far.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span></p> + +<p>Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? +<span class="answer">From his mouth.</span></p> + +<p>At what time by the clock is a pun the most +effective? <span class="answer">When it strikes one.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dead hen better than a live one? +<span class="answer">Because she will lay wherever you put her.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a true and faithful friend like a +garden seed? <span class="answer">Because you never know the +value of either until they are put under +ground.</span></p> + +<p>What benefit can be derived from a paper +of pins? <span class="answer">They will give you many good +points.</span></p> + +<p>What kind of a cat do we generally find +in a large library? <span class="answer">A catalogue.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? +<span class="answer">Because all the mails (males) are tied up in +bags.</span></p> + +<p>What kind of a swell luncheon would +hardly be considered a grand affair? <span class="answer">A +luncheon of dried apples and warm water, +which is really a swell affair.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a boy like a puppy? <span class="answer">Because he's +a younker (young cur).</span></p> + +<p>What is that thing which we all eat and +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span> +drink, although it is often a man and often +a woman? <span class="answer">A toast.</span></p> + +<p>How do eggs show their anger on being +called Heggs? <span class="answer">By becoming eggs-aspirated +(exasperated).</span></p> + +<p>On what side of a church does a yew-tree +grow? <span class="answer">The outside.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man whose "heart is in his +mouth" through fright, like a cabbage? <span class="answer">Because +his heart's in his head.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a shoemaker more charitable than +another man? <span class="answer">Because he is ready to give +any man a lift.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a picture like a fine woman? <span class="answer">Because +it's framed to please.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? +<span class="answer">Because he'll pump you.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? +<span class="answer">Because he'll send you a vial in.</span></p> + +<p>Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? +<span class="answer">He knows how to stretch his bill.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man incapable of performing +a bare-faced action? <span class="answer">When he wears a +heavy beard and a mustache.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a thief like a philosopher? <span class="answer">Because +he is given to fits of abstraction.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it illegal for a man to possess a +short walking stick? <span class="answer">Because it can never +be-long to him.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a person who asks questions the +strangest of all individuals? <span class="answer">Because he is +the querist.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which travels about, goes +much up and down, and wears shoes, but +never had any shoes? <span class="answer">A football.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the pages of a book like the days +of a man? <span class="answer">Because they are numbered.</span></p> + +<p>What word makes you sick if you leave out +one of its letters? <span class="answer">Music.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? +<span class="answer">Because the heat is in tents (intense).</span></p> + +<p>Which is the left side of a plum pudding? +<span class="answer">The part that is not eaten.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man who runs in debt like a +clock? <span class="answer">He runs on tick.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? <span class="answer">Because +it is a bee-holder (beholder).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? +<span class="answer">Because they are stationary (stationery).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a cook like a barber? <span class="answer">He dresses +hare (hair).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a waiter like a race-horse? <span class="answer">He +often runs for a plate or a cup.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a good story like a church bell? +<span class="answer">Because it is often tolled (told).</span></p> + +<p>What is the weight of the moon? <span class="answer">Four +quarters.</span></p> + +<p>How can you distinguish a fashionable man +from a tired dog? <span class="answer">One wears an entire costume; +the other simply pants.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a new +sponge and a fashionable man? <span class="answer">If you well +wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet +the other it takes all the swell out of him.</span></p> + +<p>If I were to see you riding on a donkey, +what fruit should I be reminded of? <span class="answer">A pair +(pear).</span></p> + +<p>Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? +<span class="answer">Because they mew-till-late and destroy patience +(mutilate and destroy patients).</span></p> + +<p>When may you be said literally to "drink +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span> +in" music? <span class="answer">When you have a piano for-tea +(forte).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a professional +pianoforte player, and the one who +hears him? <span class="answer">One plays for his pay, the other +pays for his play.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? +<span class="answer">Because he's a pilferer (pill for her).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? +<span class="answer">Because they have both done quacking.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk +in life" is selling eggs, certain to be successful? +<span class="answer">Because he shows a good egg-sample +from egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent +motives).</span></p> + +<p>Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? +<span class="answer">Because it's hardly done.</span></p> + +<p>What is most like a hen stealing? <span class="answer">Why, +a cock-robin.</span></p> + +<p>Why have chickens no fear of a future +state? <span class="answer">Because they have their next world in +this (necks twirled).</span></p> + +<p>By what female name would an egg object +to be called? <span class="answer">Addle-laid (Adelaide).</span></p> + +<p>Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span> +known? <span class="answer">Because they always have a comb +about them.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dirty man like flannel? <span class="answer">Because +he shrinks from washing.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the earth +and the sea? <span class="answer">One is dirty, the other tidy.</span></p> + +<p>Why is geology considered a deep science? +<span class="answer">Because it penetrates deep into the earth.</span></p> + +<p>Why was our last question like a young +lady sitting on theological works? <span class="answer">Because +it was virgin on something serious.</span></p> + +<p>When you see a lady in distress, what +should you pull up, and what bury? <span class="answer">You +should pluck up courage and inter-fear +(interfere) in her behalf.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a good and +a bad governess? <span class="answer">One teaches Miss, the +other misteaches.</span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to be literally +immersed in his business? <span class="answer">When giving a +swimming lesson.</span></p> + +<p>What prevents a running river running +right away? <span class="answer">It is tied up.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of a cold is necessary to insure +your getting on well at Court? <span class="answer">Influence-sir.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a man taking a hedge at a single +bound like one snoring? <span class="answer">Because he does it +in his-leap (his sleep).</span></p> + +<p>Why are ladies like hinges? <span class="answer">Because they +are things to a door (adore).</span></p> + +<p>What is that which never asks questions, +yet requires many answers? <span class="answer">The doorknocker.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a door always in the subjunctive +mood? <span class="answer">Because it is always wood (would)—or +should be.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a new-born baby like a storm? +<span class="answer">Because it begins with a squall.</span></p> + +<p>When is a schoolmaster like a man with +one eye? <span class="answer">When he has a vacancy for a pupil.</span></p> + +<p>How do angry women prove themselves +strong nerved? <span class="answer">They exhibit their "presents +of mind" by giving you a bit of it.</span></p> + +<p>What soup would cannibals prefer? <span class="answer">The +broth of a boy.</span></p> + +<p>What is the only form in this world which +all nations, barbarous and civilized and otherwise, +are agreed upon following? <span class="answer">The female +form.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a comet more like a dog than the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> +dog-star? <span class="answer">Because it has a tail and the dog-star +hasn't.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than +in the morning? <span class="answer">Because he is let out at +night and taken in in the morning.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good +manager? <span class="answer">Because he makes both ends meet.</span></p> + +<p>When is a black dog not a black dog? +<span class="answer">When he is a grey-hound.</span></p> + +<p>Why should you always choose white +cows? <span class="answer">Because it is no use milking those that +are dun before you begin.</span></p> + +<p>Why are two watches given as prizes like +a happy married couple? <span class="answer">Because though +they are two, yet are they one (won).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a human being like an earthen jug? +<span class="answer">Because both are made of clay.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man with corns on his feet like a +certain favorite vegetable? <span class="answer">Because he is a +toe-martyr (tomato).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bald head like heaven? <span class="answer">Because +there is no parting or dyeing there.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? +<span class="answer">Because there is an arm-y presentation.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a young man who seldom attends +church, sitting in the pulpit of a leaky church +in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends +church? <span class="answer">Because he is sitting under the +droppings of the sanctuary.</span></p> + +<p>If a general should ask in vain for martial +music, what word would embody his request? +<span class="answer">Conundrum (can none drum?).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned +country woman? <span class="answer">Because she reels and +spins.</span></p> + +<p>In what constellation are the two shooting +dogs which never go down? <span class="answer">In Ursa Major, +the pointers; they never go down because they +are not setters.</span></p> + +<p>What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest +pudding, and for what other bird was it +made? <span class="answer">Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) +made it, and for the swallow, of course.</span></p> + +<p>Why are some ministers worse than Brigham +Young? <span class="answer">Because they have married +more women than they can support, and +would like to marry more.</span></p> + +<p>In what respect does an attorney resemble +a clergyman? <span class="answer">He studies the law and profits +(prophets).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to raise strawberries? +<span class="answer">With a spoon.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an +honorable man? <span class="answer">Because he is <em>above</em> doing a +mean action.</span></p> + +<p>"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is +venison like my late and never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented +husband?" <span class="answer">Because it is the +dear (deer) departed.</span></p> + +<p>What consolation has the homely girl? <span class="answer">She +will be a <em>pretty</em> old one if she lives long +enough.</span></p> + +<p>What moral sentence does a weathercock +suggest? <span class="answer">"It is a vain (vane) thing to +a-spire."</span></p> + +<p>What is that which if you take away all +the letters remains the same? <span class="answer">The postman.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a correct knowledge of grammar +indispensable to young clergymen? <span class="answer">Because +it leads to a(c)curacy.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an extremely religious Roman +Catholic lady only a very virtuous goose? +<span class="answer">Because she is so faithful to her proper gander +(propaganda).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a baker a most improvident person? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> +<span class="answer">Because he is continually selling that +which he kneads himself.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a good husband like dough? <span class="answer">Because +a woman needs him.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it that the sun always rises in the +East? <span class="answer">Because the (y)east makes everything +rise.</span></p> + +<p>What is a very frequent mistake clergymen +make in their sermons? <span class="answer">Their being +too long.</span></p> + +<p>What is that if you take the whole away +some remains? <span class="answer">Whole-some.</span></p> + +<p>Why is coal the most contradictory article +known to commerce? <span class="answer">Because when purchased +it goes to the cellar (seller).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a baby and +a shipwrecked sailor? <span class="answer">One clings to its ma, +and the other to his (s)par.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lance like the moon? <span class="answer">Both are +the glory of the knight.</span></p> + +<p>When can you carry water in a sieve? +<span class="answer">When it is ice.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? +<span class="answer">It is a slow pup.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is larger than a nutmeg? <span class="answer">A nutmeg-grater.</span></p> + +<p>When is it easiest to read? <span class="answer">In the autumn +when Nature turns the leaves.</span></p> + +<p>Why do women seek husbands named William? +<span class="answer">That they may have a <em>Will</em> of their +own.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep +in? <span class="answer">It leaves a-wake behind.</span></p> + +<p>Who are the best astronomers? <span class="answer">The stars, +for they have studded the heavens for centuries.</span></p> + +<p>What is it that goes up and down hill, but +never moves? <span class="answer">The road.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the Prince +of Wales and a fountain? <span class="answer">One is heir to the +throne, the other thrown to the air.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a negro woman like a doorway? +<span class="answer">Because she's a negress.</span></p> + +<p>How does a sailor know there's a man in +the moon? <span class="answer">Because he has been to sea. Why +didn't he stay there? <span class="answer">Because he found it +was full.</span></span></p> + +<p>Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 +train? <span class="answer">It is ten to one if you catch it.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why should alchemists and astrologers be +females? <span class="answer">They are often Ann Elizas and +Charlotte Anns from birth.</span></p> + +<p>How does Patrick propose to get over his +single blessedness? <span class="answer">By proposing to Bridge-it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a kiss like a sermon? <span class="answer">Because it +requires two heads and an application.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a man named Benjamin marry +a girl named Annie? <span class="answer">Because he would then +be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated.</span></p> + +<p>State why a donkey browsing in a bed of +thistles appears ill. <span class="answer">Because he's a little down +in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about +the face.</span></p> + +<p>Why am I, when prudently laying by +money, like myself when foolishly squandering +it? <span class="answer">Because in either case I am—ass.</span></p> + +<p>When is a teapot like a kitten? <span class="answer">When +you're teasin' it (your tea's in it).</span></p> + +<p>Why does a puss purr? <span class="answer">For an obvious +pur-puss (purpose).</span></p> + +<p>When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? +<span class="answer">When it stems the currants.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? <span class="answer">Because +it's meant to keep the chaps off.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's +apron? <span class="answer">Because they keep the sparks +off.</span></p> + +<p>In what condition is a beer-barrel when it +resembles old-fashioned curtains? <span class="answer">When it's +tap is dry (tapestry).</span></p> + +<p>Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's +funeral never be dry? <span class="answer">Because they have a +gall on a bier between them.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best day for making pancakes? +<span class="answer">Fry-day.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pair of skates like an apple? <span class="answer">Because +they have both occasioned the fall of +man.</span></p> + +<p>On a frosty day, what are the best fishes +to fasten together? <span class="answer">Skates, soles, an' +(h)eels.</span></p> + +<p>In what sort of syllables ought a parrot +to be taught to speak? <span class="answer">In polly-silly-bills.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to +have more than two reasons for the faith +that is in him? <span class="answer">Because three scruples make +a dram.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the best key to a good dinner? +<span class="answer">Turkey.</span></p> + +<p>Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? +<span class="answer">It is a pup-pet.</span></p> + +<p>Which of the planets would a tortoise like +best to live in? <span class="answer">Herschel.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a bullet like a tender glance? <span class="answer">Because +it pierces hearts.</span></p> + +<p>What is the most suitable dance to wind +up a frolic? <span class="answer">A reel.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? +<span class="answer">One makes a din, the other a dinner.</span></p> + +<p>What death does the sculptor die? <span class="answer">He +makes faces, and busts.</span></p> + +<p>When may a room that is full of people +be said to be empty? <span class="answer">When there is not a +<em>single</em> person in it.</span></p> + +<p>Of what trade is the sun? <span class="answer">A tanner.</span></p> + +<p>When may a ship be said to be in love? +<span class="answer">When she is tender on a man-of-war.</span></p> + +<p>When is she actively in love? <span class="answer">When she +seeks a mate.</span></p> + +<p>When is she ambitiously in love? <span class="answer">When +she is making up to a peer.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is she foolishly in love? <span class="answer">When she +is attached to a great buoy.</span></p> + +<p>When is she absurdly in love? <span class="answer">When she +is h'anchoring after a heavy swell.</span></p> + +<p>When is she demonstratively in love? +<span class="answer">When she hugs the shore.</span></p> + +<p>When is she weakly in love? <span class="answer">When she +rests on the bosom of a little cove.</span></p> + +<p>When is she treated too familiarly? +<span class="answer">When a smack follows her bow.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? <span class="answer">He +asks for alms when he wants legs.</span></p> + +<p>Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? +<span class="answer">Because he lives on ropes and +poles, and thrives.</span></p> + +<p>If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what +would he fall against? <span class="answer">Against his inclination.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of +a tree? <span class="answer">Because it's farthest from the bark.</span></p> + +<p>Why is there no such thing as an entire +day? <span class="answer">Because every day begins by breaking.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which every living being has +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> +seen, but will never see again? <span class="answer">Yesterday.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which <em>will be</em> yesterday, and +<em>was</em> to-morrow? <span class="answer">To-day.</span></p> + +<p>What is better than presence of mind in +a railway accident? <span class="answer">Absence of body.</span></p> + +<p>Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? +<span class="answer">Because then you are sure to be run +over by carriages and automobiles.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady +that she is "as beautiful as an angel?" <span class="answer">Because, +if we believe what we read, the angels +must be very ancient.</span></p> + +<p>What is the superlative of temper? +<span class="answer">Tempest.</span></p> + +<p>On what day of the year do women talk +least? <span class="answer">On the shortest day.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of a musical instrument resembles +a bad hotel? <span class="answer">A vile-inn.</span></p> + +<p>What is it which every one wishes for, +and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is +obtained? <span class="answer">A good appetite.</span></p> + +<p>If a spider were late to dinner, what +would he do? <span class="answer">Take a fly.</span></p> + +<p>Name the most unsociable things in the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> +world? <span class="answer">Milestones; for you never see two +of them together.</span></p> + +<p>Why is swearing like an old coat? <span class="answer">Because +it is a bad habit.</span></p> + +<p>Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly +through the earth, starting from New York, +and you went in at this end, where would you +come out? <span class="answer">Out of the hole.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a Roman +Catholic priest and a Baptist? <span class="answer">One uses +wax candles and the other dips.</span></p> + +<p>Why, when you paint a man's portrait, +may you be described as stepping into his +shoes? <span class="answer">Because you make his feet-yours +(features).</span></p> + +<p>What is the very best and cheapest light, +especially for painters? <span class="answer">Daylight.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? +<span class="answer">Because he draws so much water.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it extraordinary not to find a +painter's studio as hot as an oven? <span class="answer">Because +it is there that he makes his bread.</span></p> + +<p>Where should you feel for the poor? <span class="answer">In +your pocket.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way of making a coat +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> +last? <span class="answer">Make the trousers and waistcoat first.</span></p> + +<p>What animals are admitted at the opera? +<span class="answer">White kids.</span></p> + +<p>With what two animals do you always go +to bed? <span class="answer">Two calves.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the actions of men like great +rivers? <span class="answer">Because we see the course that they +take, but not the source whence they spring.</span></p> + +<p>When is a young lady not a young lady? +<span class="answer">When she's a sweet tart (sweetheart).</span></p> + +<p>Which is better, getting the girl of your +choice or a shoulder of mutton? <span class="answer">A shoulder +of mutton; as nothing earthly can be +better than getting her you love, and a +shoulder of mutton is much better than nothing.</span></p> + +<p>At what period in his sorrow does a widower +recover from the loss of his dear departed? +<span class="answer">When he re-wives (revives).</span></p> + +<p>Why are policemen particularly required +in a hop ground? <span class="answer">Because there are always +so many people picking pockets there.</span></p> + +<p>When is water most likely to escape? +<span class="answer">When it is only half-tide.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> + +<p>Plant a puppy, and what would come up? +<span class="answer">Dog would.</span></p> + +<p>Why are artists like washerwomen? <span class="answer">Because +they are not satisfied until their works +are "hung on the line."</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man who never lays a wager as +bad as a regular gambler? <span class="answer">Because he is no +better (bettor).</span></p> + +<p>Why does the conductor cut a hole in your +railroad ticket? <span class="answer">To let you pass through.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a man troubled with gout +make his will? <span class="answer">Because he will then have +his leg at ease (legatees).</span></p> + +<p>What is that which no one wishes to have, +yet no one wishes to lose? <span class="answer">A bald head.</span></p> + +<p>Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? +<span class="answer">Because they sin-till-late (scintillate).</span></p> + +<p>Why are very old people necessarily prolix +and tedious? <span class="answer">Because they die late (dilate).</span></p> + +<p>A lady asked a gentleman how old he +was. He answered, "My age is what you +do in everything—excel (XL)."</p> + +<p>Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful +friend? <span class="answer">Because, though you may +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span> +positively load its back with silver, it will +reflect on you.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a butler like a mountain? <span class="answer">Because +he looks down on the valley (valet).</span></p> + +<p>What is that which the fox has and the +hare most wants? <span class="answer">A brush.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to keep a man's +love? <span class="answer">Not to return it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a wedding ring like eternity? <span class="answer">Because +it has no beginning and no end.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a young lady prefer her mother's +fortune to her father's? <span class="answer">Because, +though she likes patrimony, she still better +likes matrimony.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? +<span class="answer">Because she is not what she seams +(seems).</span></p> + +<p>When does a man stand a good chance of +being completely sewn up? <span class="answer">When he has a +stitch in his side.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a dressmaker never lose her +hooks? <span class="answer">Because she has an eye to each of +them.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a farmer +and a seamstress? <span class="answer">The farmer gathers what +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> +he sows, while the seamstress sews what she +gathers.</span></p> + +<p>If we were going to kill a conversational +goose, what vegetable would she allude to? +<span class="answer">Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus).</span></p> + +<p>What is the best thing to do to enjoy the +happiness of courting? <span class="answer">To get a little gal-an'-try +(gallantry).</span></p> + +<p>How is it that the affections of young +ladies, notwithstanding that they may protest +and vow constancy, are always doubtful? +<span class="answer">Because they are only miss givings +(misgivings).</span></p> + +<p>Why may a beggar wear a very short +coat? <span class="answer">Because it will be long enough before +he gets another.</span></p> + +<p>What part of a lion is a new-born infant +like? <span class="answer">His tail, because it was never seen +before.</span></p> + +<p>Why can you never expect a fishmonger +to be generous? <span class="answer">Because his business makes +him sell-fish.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a judge's nose like the middle of +the earth? <span class="answer">Because it's the center of gravity.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the gentlest kind of spur? <span class="answer">A +whisper.</span></p> + +<p>Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? +<span class="answer">Because they make the shells +burst on the kernel (colonel).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a hammer like a general? <span class="answer">It goes +to the head, and settles the point of a tack +(attack).</span></p> + +<p>What is the best material for kites? <span class="answer">Flypaper.</span></p> + +<p>What two reasons are there why a young +lady going to the altar is certainly going +wrong? <span class="answer">She is miss-taken and miss-led.</span></p> + +<p>When does the tongue assume the functions +of the teeth? <span class="answer">When it back-bites.</span></p> + +<p>What is a button? <span class="answer">A small event that is +always coming off.</span></p> + +<p>What medicine ought to be given to +misers? <span class="answer">Anti-mony.</span></p> + +<p>What was the cause of the potato rot? +<span class="answer">The rot-atory motion of the earth.</span></p> + +<p>What is the end to which all like to come? +<span class="answer">A divid-end.</span></p> + +<p>What is Hobson's choice? <span class="answer">Mrs. Hobson.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why should one never complain of the +price of a car ticket? <span class="answer">It is a <em>fare</em> thing.</span></p> + +<p>Where does one see breakers ahead on +land? <span class="answer">In a railway station.</span></p> + +<p>What is a heavy incidental expense? +<span class="answer">Having one's tooth filled.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between forms and +ceremonies? <span class="answer">You sit upon one, and stand +upon the other.</span></p> + +<p>How do locomotives hear? <span class="answer">Through +their engin-eers.</span></p> + +<p>What is the great motive for traveling? +<span class="answer">The loco-motive.</span></p> + +<p>Why has a barber more than one life? +<span class="answer">Because he dyes (dies) very often.</span></p> + +<p>How do you call the ship that carries +more passengers than the <i>Olympic?</i> <span class="answer">Courtship.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad +like an overloaded gun? <span class="answer">Because it is too +much for a charge.</span></p> + +<p>When is a United States soldier like a +man with a ragged coat? <span class="answer">When he is out +under arms.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? +<span class="answer">When it has lost its nap.</span></p> + +<p>Why can hotel boarders dine off the +gong? <span class="answer">Because "it is a-rousing dinner."</span></p> + +<p>Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? +<span class="answer">Because he is an ex-actor.</span></p> + +<p>Who has most need to pray to be delivered +from temptation? <span class="answer">An editor, for he +is beset by the "devil."</span></p> + +<p>How can an actress appear in two pieces +on the same evening? <span class="answer">Because she's taking +a part (taken apart).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a watch like the moon? <span class="answer">Because +it presents halves and quarters and reports +time.</span></p> + +<p>Why is any divorced man like a man +playing at ten pins? <span class="answer">Because he has to pay +an alimony (an alley-money).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like +an ignorant school teacher? <span class="answer">Because her +pupils are kept in the dark.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a ball discharged in the air like +an article for soldiers' comfort? <span class="answer">Because +it is a blank hit (blanket).</span></p> + +<p>Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span> +bankrupt man? <span class="answer">Because they both +fail to become rich.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage +festival like one on horseback? <span class="answer">Because +she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein).</span></p> + +<p>Why are the men appointed to wind up +the affairs of a bank whose treasurer has +defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? +<span class="answer">Because the receiver is as bad as the +thief.</span></p> + +<p>Why do architects make excellent actors? +<span class="answer">Because they are good at drawing houses.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a blush an anomaly? <span class="answer">Because a +woman who blushes is admired for her +cheek.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? +<span class="answer">Because it is catching.</span></p> + +<p>Why do girls kiss each other, and men +not? <span class="answer">Because girls have nothing better to +kiss, and men have.</span></p> + +<p>If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon +do I use? <span class="answer">A blunderbuss.</span></p> + +<p>Why would young ladies of the present +day make good pugilists? <span class="answer">Because they are +eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> +willing to make a match with a man twice +their own size any day.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man a muff? <span class="answer">When he holds a +lady's hand without squeezing it.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man a spoon? <span class="answer">When he +touches a lady's two lips without kissing +them.</span></p> + +<p>How would you measure a lover's sincerity? +<span class="answer">By his sighs (size).</span></p> + +<p>When is music like vegetables? <span class="answer">When +there is two beats (beets) to a measure.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the <em>Outlook</em> like a man of fourscore? +<span class="answer">Because it's weekly.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a false oath like a trial in the +criminal court? <span class="answer">Because it is per-jury.</span></p> + +<p>Why are doctors always wicked men? +<span class="answer">Because the worse people are the more they +are with them.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of music should a girl sing +whose voice is cracked and broken? +<span class="answer">Pieces.</span></p> + +<p>What is better than an indifferent singer +in a drawing room after dinner? <span class="answer">A different +one.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130">[Pg 130]</a></span></p> + +<p>What animals always have gaiters on? +<span class="answer">Alligators.</span></p> + +<p>What nation has always overcome in the +end? <span class="answer">Determination.</span></p> + +<p>Why should you never sleep in a railway +train? <span class="answer">The train runs over sleepers.</span></p> + +<p>What most frequently becomes a woman? +<span class="answer">A little girl.</span></p> + +<p>What is an Englishman's notion of woman's +mission? <span class="answer">Sub-mission.</span></p> + +<p>What remedy does an Irishman take for +a scolding wife? <span class="answer">He takes an e-lix-ir (he +licks her).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a cloud of +rain and a beaten child? <span class="answer">One pours with +rain, the other roars with pain.</span></p> + +<p>What did the sunbeam say to the violet? +"Wilt thou?" <span class="answer">And she wilted.</span></p> + +<p>What rose is "born to blush unseen"? +<span class="answer">Neg-roes.</span></p> + +<p>What relation is a loaf of bread to a +locomotive? <span class="answer">The mother—bread being a +necessity, a locomotive being an invention, +and "Necessity is the mother of invention."</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is more moist than a young lady +with a waterfall on her head, a cataract in +her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied +shoes, and a crick in her back? <span class="answer">A young +lady with a notion (an ocean) in her head.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best kind of agricultural fair? +<span class="answer">A farmer's very pretty daughter.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a photograph like a member of +Congress? <span class="answer">Because it's a representative.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned +criminal? <span class="answer">Because he's glad to get off.</span></p> + +<p>When is a bank note like iron? <span class="answer">When +it is forged.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the sun like a good loaf? <span class="answer">It is +light when it rises.</span></p> + +<p>Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long +life? <span class="answer">He can't die just (digest) now.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a person who is ailing lose his +sense of touch? <span class="answer">Because he does not feel +well.</span></p> + +<p>If you were to swallow a man, what sort +of man would you prefer? <span class="answer">A little London +porter.</span></p> + +<p>Why should you never make love in the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> +country? <span class="answer">Because corn has ears, potatoes +eyes, and the beans talk.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an aged man like a deserted +house? <span class="answer">His gait (gate) is broken, and his +locks are few.</span></p> + +<p>What did a blind man take at breakfast +which restored his sight? <span class="answer">A cup and saucer +(saw, sir!).</span></p> + +<p>Which is the laziest plant, and which the +most active? <span class="answer">The creeper and the running +vine.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an autoist whose machine has been +completely wrecked like a reformed autoist? +<span class="answer">Because he has suddenly given up motoring.</span></p> + +<p>What does a hen do when she stands on +one foot? <span class="answer">Lifts up the other.</span></p> + +<p>Why should the largest tree be near a +church? <span class="answer">There should be no bigger tree +(bigotry) there.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a stupid servant like a church +bell? <span class="answer">He has to be often told (tolled).</span></p> + +<p>Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like +dancing masters? <span class="answer">They depend on their +pumps.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why does a duck go into water? <span class="answer">For +diver's (diverse) reasons.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a duck come out of water? +<span class="answer">For sun-dry (sundry) reasons.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a duck +with one wing and one with two? <span class="answer">Merely +a difference of a pinion (opinion).</span></p> + +<p>Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? +<span class="answer">He isn't dead yet.</span></p> + +<p>When is the wind like a woodchopper? +<span class="answer">When it cuts.</span></p> + +<p>What makes the ocean get angry? <span class="answer">It has +been crossed so often.</span></p> + +<p>What is the characteristic of a watch? +<span class="answer">Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its +face, and runs down its own works.</span></p> + +<p>When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? +<span class="answer">When it runs down.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a girl like an arrow? <span class="answer">Because +she is sure to be in a quiver till her bow +comes, and can't go off without one.</span></p> + +<p>Why are teeth like verbs? <span class="answer">Because they +are regular, irregular, and defective.</span></p> + +<p>What hands are those which work night +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> +and day, yet never wear out; which, although +they strike, do not stop? <span class="answer">Clock +hands.</span></p> + +<p>What's the difference between a gardener +and a billiard marker? <span class="answer">One minds his peas, +the other his cues.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which denotes the state of +mind and of the body? <span class="answer">The tongue.</span></p> + +<p>Why are books your best friends? <span class="answer">Because, +when they bore you, you can shut +them up without giving offense.</span></p> + +<p>Why, when you are out in a boat, should +you never be surprised by a sudden squall? +<span class="answer">Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect +to be sold.</span></p> + +<p>Why is no country free? <span class="answer">Because anybody +is liable to be sold by auction whom it +is possible for the auctioneer to take in.</span></p> + +<p>Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, +may you pick his pockets? <span class="answer">Because he has +picked yours (pictures).</span></p> + +<p>Why are pipes all humbugs? <span class="answer">Because the +best of them are but meer-shams.</span></p> + +<p>Where can you find every word of your +last interesting conversation with Miss +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span>all +written down, word for word? <span class="answer">In the +dictionary.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which a cat has but no other +animal? <span class="answer">Kittens.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an egg like a colt? <span class="answer">Because it +isn't fit for use until it's broken.</span></p> + +<p>How is it guns can kick when they have +no legs? <span class="answer">They kick with their breeches.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier +who runs from battle? <span class="answer">Because he departs +from his sphere of action.</span></p> + +<p>When is a soldier charitable? <span class="answer">When he +presents arms.</span></p> + +<p>Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow +candles? <span class="answer">Because when they're exposed to +the fire they run.</span></p> + +<p>When may an army be said to be totally +destroyed? <span class="answer">When the soldiers are all in +quarters.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a defeated army like wool? <span class="answer">Because +it's worsted.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of men are most aboveboard +in their movements? <span class="answer">Chessmen.</span></p> + +<p>Why should good-natured people never +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> +go to small dancing parties? <span class="answer">Because hops +produce great bitterness.</span></p> + +<p>What is tantalizing? <span class="answer">Giving invitations +only to teas.</span></p> + +<p>Why is flirting like plate-powder? <span class="answer">Because +it brightens the spoons.</span></p> + +<p>What is a kiss? <span class="answer">A receipt given you by +a lady on paying your addresses.</span></p> + +<p>When are kisses sweetest? <span class="answer">When sirup-titiously +(surreptitiously) obtained.</span></p> + +<p>Why are two young ladies kissing each +other an emblem of Christianity? <span class="answer">Because +they are doing unto each other as they would +men should do unto them.</span></p> + +<p>Why is confessing to a father confessor +like killing bees? <span class="answer">Because you un-buzz-'em +(unbosom).</span></p> + +<p>When does a leopard change his spots? +<span class="answer">When he moves from one spot to another.</span></p> + +<p>When an old woman in a scarlet cloak +was crossing a field in which a goat was +browsing, what took place? <span class="answer">The goat +turned to butter (butt her), and the old +woman into a scarlet runner.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the most wonderful animal in the +farmyard? <span class="answer">A pig, for he is killed and then +cured.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an elephant's head different from +every other head? <span class="answer">Because if you cut his +head off his body you do not take it from +the trunk.</span></p> + +<p>Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? +<span class="answer">No cow has eight legs.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the cradle +and the grave? <span class="answer">The one is for the first +born, the other for the last bourn.</span></p> + +<p>Why must a Yankee speculator be very +subject to water on the brain? <span class="answer">Because he +always has an ocean (a notion) in his head.</span></p> + +<p>What trees has fire no effect upon? <span class="answer">Ashes, +as when burned, they are ashes still.</span></p> + +<p>If a tree were to break the panes of a +window, what would they say? <span class="answer">Tree, mend +us (tremendous).</span></p> + +<p>When is a charade like a fir-tree? <span class="answer">When +you get a deal bored from its length.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? +<span class="answer">Because he pierces the ears.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is an old man's head like a song executed +by an indifferent singer? <span class="answer">Because it +is often terribly bawled (bald).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a piano like an onion? <span class="answer">Because +it's mell-odious (melodious).</span></p> + +<p>What sort of medicine is most like a sick +monkey? <span class="answer">A pill (ape-ill).</span></p> + +<p>When is a girl like a mirror? <span class="answer">When she's +a good-looking (g)lass.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between some +women and their looking-glasses? <span class="answer">They +talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect +without talking.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to prevent water +coming into your house? <span class="answer">Do not pay your +water rates.</span></p> + +<p>What do ladies look for when they go to +church? <span class="answer">The hymns (hims).</span></p> + +<p>When may a man's coat-pocket be empty +and yet have something in it? <span class="answer">When it has +a hole in it.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a sweep +and a man in mourning? <span class="answer">One is blacked +with soot, and the other is suited with black.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between killed soldiers +and repaired garments? <span class="answer">The former +are dead men, the latter are mended (men +dead).</span></p> + +<p>Why does a salmon die before it lives? +<span class="answer">Because its existence is ova before it comes +to life.</span></p> + +<p>When is a schoolboy like a postage +stamp? <span class="answer">When he is licked and put in the +corner to make him stick to his letters.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between an engine-driver +and a schoolmaster? <span class="answer">One minds the +train, the other trains the mind.</span></p> + +<p>When is a member of Congress ferocious? +<span class="answer">When he inserts his claws (clause) +into the Bill of another member.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best description of "rapid +consumption"? <span class="answer">Bolting one's food.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? <span class="answer">Because +he is stronger than his tail, otherwise +his tail would wag him.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? +<span class="answer">Because it's not currant (current).</span></p> + +<p>When is a blow from a lady welcome? +<span class="answer">When she strikes you agreeably.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span></p> + +<p>When you give a lady a lock of your hair, +what else does she receive from you at the +same time? <span class="answer">A key to your feelings.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? +<span class="answer">Because she sends off the sparks, +transports the mails, has a train following +her, and passes over the plain.</span></p> + +<p>What part of speech is kissing? <span class="answer">A conjunction.</span></p> + +<p>Why are there more marriages in winter +than in summer? <span class="answer">Because the men seek +comforters, and the ladies seek muffs.</span></p> + +<p>How do the young ladies show their dislike +of mustaches? <span class="answer">By setting their faces +against them.</span></p> + +<p>Why are young ladies bad grammarians? +<span class="answer">Because you seldom find one who can decline +Matrimony.</span></p> + +<p>Where is it that all women are equally +beautiful? <span class="answer">In the dark.</span></p> + +<p>Why do girls like looking at the moon? +<span class="answer">Because there's a man in it.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a prosy preacher like the middle +of a wheel? <span class="answer">Because the felloes around it +are tired.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a +hangman? <span class="answer">It has a stern duty to perform.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a cat and +a document? <span class="answer">One has claws at the end of +its paws, and the other has pauses at the +end of its clauses.</span></p> + +<p>What two beaus can every lady have near +at hand? <span class="answer">El-bows.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man like a cannon-ball? <span class="answer">When +he looks round.</span></p> + +<p>When does the House of Representatives +present one of the most ludicrous spectacles? +<span class="answer">When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and +its noes (nose) on the other.</span></p> + +<p>What three acts comprise the chief business +of some women's lives? <span class="answer">Attr-act, +contr-act, detr-act.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a donkey eat a thistle? <span class="answer">Because +he's an ass.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a donkey +and a postage stamp? <span class="answer">One you lick with a +stick, the other you stick with a lick.</span></p> + +<p>Why shouldn't you go to church if you +have a cough? <span class="answer">Because you will be sure to +disturb the <em>rest</em> of the congregation.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is it dangerous to enter a church? +<span class="answer">When there is a canon in the reading desk, +a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop +charges the congregation.</span></p> + +<p>When is a rushlight like a tombstone? +<span class="answer">When it is put up for a <em>late</em> husband.</span></p> + +<p>Why are women like churches? <span class="answer">Because +there is no living without one; because +there is many a-spire to them; and +because they are objects of adoration.</span></p> + +<p>Why is your thumb, when putting on a +glove, like eternity? <span class="answer">Because it's ever-last-in' +(everlasting).</span></p> + +<p>Why are kisses like creation? <span class="answer">They are +made of nothing, yet are very good.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman +near the end of his sermon? <span class="answer">He's tor'd his +clothes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a greenback more desirable than +gold? <span class="answer">When you put it in your pocket you +double it and when you take it out you find +it in creases.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it dangerous to walk out in the +spring? <span class="answer">The grass is full of blades, the +trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, +and the bull rushes out.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is that which, although only four +inches long and three inches wide, contains +a solid foot? <span class="answer">A shoe.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a physician +and a magician? <span class="answer">One is a cupper, the other +a sorcerer.</span></p> + +<p>What becomes of all the pins? <span class="answer">They fall +to the earth, and become terra-pins.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a belle like a locomotive? <span class="answer">She +transports the mails.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Freshman like a telescope? +<span class="answer">He is easily drawn out, seen through, and +shut up.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a flea like a long winter? <span class="answer">It +makes a backward spring.</span></p> + +<p>What is the smallest room in the world? +<span class="answer">The mush-room.</span></p> + +<p>What is the largest room in the world? +<span class="answer">Room for improvement.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which is above all human +imperfections, and yet shelters the weakest +and most depraved, as well as the best of +men? <span class="answer">A hat.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? +<span class="answer">Because he's chicken-hearted.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why would a compliment from a chicken +be an insult? <span class="answer">Because it would be in fowl +language.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an aristocratic seminary for young +ladies like a flower garden? <span class="answer">Because it's a +place of haughty culture (horticulture).</span></p> + +<p>Why are deaf people like India shawls? +<span class="answer">Because you can't make them here (hear).</span></p> + +<p>What is that which belongs to yourself, +yet is used by every one more than yourself? +<span class="answer">Your name.</span></p> + +<p>What tongue is that which frequently hurts +and grieves you, and yet does not speak a +word? <span class="answer">The tongue of your shoe.</span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to be personally +involved? <span class="answer">When he is wrapped up in himself.</span></p> + +<p>What is most like a horse's foot? <span class="answer">A +mare's.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? +<span class="answer">Because the better tempered he +is the easier he takes a fence (offense).</span></p> + +<p>What is a dogma? <span class="answer">An opinion laid down +with a snarl.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? +<span class="answer">Because it stops a waggin'.</span></p> + +<p>When are handcuffs like knapsacks? +<span class="answer">When made for two-wrists (tourists).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a butterfly +and a volcano? <span class="answer">In one the lava comes +out of the crater, in the other the "crater" +comes out of the larva.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like +one who presents a young lady with a young +dog? <span class="answer">He gives a gallop up (gal a pup).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? +<span class="answer">It has sent many a boy to sea (see).</span></p> + +<p>What is the best way to double a flock of +sheep? <span class="answer">Fold them.</span></p> + +<p>Why are mortgages like burglars? <span class="answer">They +secure (seek your) money.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? +<span class="answer">It is so much quicker than the +mail (male) intelligence.</span></p> + +<p>If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it +be a good plan to lose another to-morrow? +<span class="answer">So as to make your loss a-gain.</span></p> + +<p>What constitutes a weighty discourse? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span> +<span class="answer">First to ann-<em>ounce</em> a text, then to ex-<em>pound</em> +it.</span></p> + +<p>What is disgusting to all but those who +swallow it? <span class="answer">Flattery.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lawyer like an honest man? <span class="answer">He +is a man of deeds as well as of words.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a young man study law? <span class="answer">To +get on.</span></p> + +<p>Why does he continue in the profession? +<span class="answer">To get honor.</span></p> + +<p>Why does he leave the profession? <span class="answer">To +get honest.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between fog and +a falling star? <span class="answer">One is a mist on earth, the +other is missed in heaven.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the present moment like skim-milk? +<span class="answer">It's scum (come).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? +<span class="answer">They both hold a gal(l)on.</span></p> + +<p>How can you shoot one hundred and +twenty hares at one shot? <span class="answer">Fire at a wig.</span></p> + +<p>Name that which, with only one eye put +out, has but a nose left. <span class="answer">Noise.</span></p> + +<p>Why are laundresses good navigators? +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> +<span class="answer">Because they are always crossing the line, +and going from pole to pole.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which if you name it even +you break it? <span class="answer">Silence.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which you can keep even +after giving it to somebody else? <span class="answer">Your +word.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which the dead and the living +do at the same time? <span class="answer">Go round with +the world.</span></p> + +<p>What snuff-taker is that whose box gets +fuller the more pinches he takes? <span class="answer">The +snuffers.</span></p> + +<p>Why are your nose and chin constantly at +variance? <span class="answer">Because words are continually +passing between them.</span></p> + +<p>What is the smallest bridge in the world? +<span class="answer">The bridge of your nose.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous +Koh-i-noor diamond? <span class="answer">Because he's a Jew-ill.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an undutiful son like one born +deaf? <span class="answer">Because your voice is lost upon him.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which is put on the table +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> +and cut, but never eaten? <span class="answer">A pack of cards.</span></p> + +<p>What fashionable game do frogs play at—besides +leap-frog? <span class="answer">Croaky (croquet).</span></p> + +<p>What question is that to which you positively +must answer yes? <span class="answer">What does y-e-s +spell?</span></p> + +<p>What would a pig do if he wished to +build himself a habitation? <span class="answer">Tie a knot in +his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty).</span></p> + +<p>If the before-mentioned porker wished to +demolish the pig's sty he had built, what +quotation would he make? <span class="answer">"I could a tail +(tale) unfold.</span>"</p> + +<p>What is that which is white, black, and +red all over, which shows some people to +be green, and makes others look black and +blue? <span class="answer">A newspaper.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a newspaper like an army? <span class="answer">Because +it has leaders, columns, and reviews.</span></p> + +<p>What part of a lady's face in January is +like a celebrated fur? <span class="answer">Chin-chilly (chinchilla).</span></p> + +<p>Why are suicides invariably successful people +in the world? <span class="answer">Because they always +manage to accomplish their own ends.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span></p> + +<p>Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? +<span class="answer">At the State Bath House, where you +can get a duck for a dime.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? +<span class="answer">Because they are both fancy bred (bread).</span></p> + +<p>What makes more noise than a pig in a +sty? <span class="answer">Two pigs.</span></p> + +<p>When would a farmer have the best opportunity +for overlooking his pigs? <span class="answer">When +he has a sty in his eye.</span></p> + +<p>What is lengthened by being cut at both +ends? <span class="answer">A ditch.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a nobleman's title sometimes +become extinct? <span class="answer">Because, though the king +can make a man appear (a peer), he can't +make him apparent (a parent).</span></p> + +<p>What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays +the doctor? <span class="answer">A draft.</span></p> + +<p>What is the worst kind of fare for a man +to live on? <span class="answer">Warfare.</span></p> + +<p>Of what color are the winds and waves in +a storm? <span class="answer">The winds blew (blue) and the +waters rose.</span></p> + +<p>How does a ray of light get through a +prism? <span class="answer">It hews (hues) its way.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span></p> + +<p>What would a bear want if he should get +into a dry-goods store? <span class="answer">Muslin (muzzling).</span></p> + +<p>When does English butter become Irish +butter? <span class="answer">When it is made into little <em>Pats</em>.</span></p> + +<p>Which is the most ancient of trees? <span class="answer">The +elder tree.</span></p> + +<p>Which are the most seasonable clothes? +<span class="answer">Pepper and salt.</span></p> + +<p>Why are lawyers and doctors safe people +by whom to take example? <span class="answer">Because +they practice their professions.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fiddle like a man who gives +money to make up a quarrel? <span class="answer">Because it is +for a-tone-ment.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a good pun like a good cat? <span class="answer">Because +it requires pause (paws).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? +<span class="answer">Because it makes a man's mouth water.</span></p> + +<p>Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse +when the pit is full? <span class="answer">Because it is a +pitiful house.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fortified town like a pudding? +<span class="answer">Because it's often batter'd.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a tallow chandler live better +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span> +than another man? <span class="answer">Because he lives on the +fat of the land.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a water lily like a whale? <span class="answer">Because +it comes to the surface to blow.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a resolution like a looking glass? +<span class="answer">Because it is so easily broken.</span></p> + +<p>Why can you never tell real hysterics +from sham ones? <span class="answer">Because in either case it +is a feint (faint).</span></p> + +<p>When may ladies who are enjoying themselves +be said to look wretched? <span class="answer">When at +the opera, as then they are in tiers.</span></p> + +<p>When is a bonnet not a bonnet? <span class="answer">When +it becomes a pretty woman.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a vine like a soldier? <span class="answer">Because it +is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then +shoots.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a miserly uncle with whom you +have quarreled like a person with a short +memory? <span class="answer">Because he is ever for-getting, +and never for-giving.</span></p> + +<p>Why are worn-out clothes like children +without parents? <span class="answer">Because they are left +off'uns (orphans).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a milkmaid +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> +and a swallow? <span class="answer">One skims the milk, +the other the water.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a very demure young lady like a +tugboat? <span class="answer">Because she pays no attention to +the swells that follow her.</span></p> + +<p>What smells most in a chemist's shop? +<span class="answer">The nose.</span></p> + +<p>Who is your greatest friend? <span class="answer">Your nose, +because it will run for you till it drops.</span></p> + +<p>Which travels faster, heat or cold? +<span class="answer">Heat, because you can easily catch cold.</span></p> + +<p>What did the muffin say to the toasting +fork? <span class="answer">You're too pointed.</span></p> + +<p>I am forever, yet was never. <span class="answer">Eternity.</span></p> + +<p>Which eat more grass, black sheep or +white? <span class="answer">White, because there are more of +them.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a very amusing man like a very +bad shot? <span class="answer">Because he keeps the game +alive.</span></p> + +<p>What is the height of folly? <span class="answer">Spending +your last shilling on a purse.</span></p> + +<p>In what sort of family does the seventh +night of the week come on the sixth? <span class="answer">In +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> +that sort of family where Saturday is a bath +night (is Sabbath night).</span></p> + +<p>Why are clouds like coachmen? <span class="answer">Because +they hold the reins (rains).</span></p> + +<p>On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief +be used to build a house? <span class="answer">If it became-brick +(be cambric).</span></p> + +<p>Why did the young lady return the dumb +waiter? <span class="answer">Because it didn't answer.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a schoolboy being flogged like +your eye? <span class="answer">Because he's a pupil under the +lash.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a blow leave a blue mark? <span class="answer">Because +blow, when perfect, makes blew.</span></p> + +<p>When has a man brown hands? <span class="answer">When +he's tand-'em driving.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team +like the acceptor of a bill? <span class="answer">Because +he's the end horse, sir (endorser).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a man marrying a second time like +<i>sal volatile?</i> <span class="answer">Because it's re-wiving.</span></p> + +<p>When may a lady be absolutely pronounced +to be quite past recovery? <span class="answer">When +she is speechless, and can only chatter with +her teeth.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated +by the Atlantic Ocean? <span class="answer">Because, although +they may correspond, they never +meet.</span></p> + +<p>What two ages often prove illusory? +<span class="answer">Mir-age and marri-age.</span></p> + +<p>State the difference between a grocer selling +a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's +boy with a pestle and mortar. <span class="answer">One weighs +a pound, the other pounds away.</span></p> + +<p>Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? <span class="answer">It +may be considered underground.</span></p> + +<p>When can an Irish servant answer two +questions at the same time? <span class="answer">When she is +asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the +cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's +ate."</span></p> + +<p>Why would an owl be offended at your +calling him a pheasant? <span class="answer">Because you +would be making game of him.</span></p> + +<p>Why can a fish never be in the dark? <span class="answer">Because +of his parraffins (pair o' fins).</span></p> + +<p>When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, +quarrelsome man? <span class="answer">When it is put out before +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span> +it has had time to flare up and blaze +away.</span></p> + +<p>Why is love like a candle? <span class="answer">Because the +longer it burns the less it becomes.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a tight +boot and an oak tree? <span class="answer">One makes acorns, +the other makes corns ache.</span></p> + +<p>Why does the east wind never blow +straight? <span class="answer">Because it blows oblique (blows +so bleak).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a <i>premičre +danseuse</i> and a duck? <span class="answer">One goes quick on +her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" +on her beautiful eggs.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a French +pastry-cook and a billsticker? <span class="answer">One puffs up +paste, the other pastes up puffs.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? +<span class="answer">Because it is so-lo.</span></p> + +<p>When is a young lady like an acrobat? +<span class="answer">When she shows her sleight of hand by refusing +you.</span></p> + +<p>Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like +a pretty girl? <span class="answer">Because it is seldom let +alone.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected +man? <span class="answer">Because it is down in the +mouth.</span></p> + +<p>What part of one's head is fit to eat? +<span class="answer">An ear o' rye (awry).</span></p> + +<p>Why cannot you make a venison pasty of +buck venison? <span class="answer">Because the pasty must be +made of dough (doe).</span></p> + +<p>Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? +<span class="answer">Because what is done, cannot be +helped.</span></p> + +<p>Why do sailors working in brigs make +bad servants? <span class="answer">Because it is impossible for +a man to serve two mast-ers well.</span></p> + +<p>Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house +keepers with newly married couples? +<span class="answer">Because they are accustomed to sea-side +dears (seize ideas), and to make the most +out of them that is possible.</span></p> + +<p>What is Majesty deprived of its externals? +<span class="answer">A jest (M-ajest-y).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a cracker like death? <span class="answer">Because it +is a debt o' natur' (detonator).</span></p> + +<p>What is the greatest instance of cannibalism +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> +on record? <span class="answer">When a rash man ate a +rasher.</span></p> + +<p>What tree bears the most fruit to market? +<span class="answer">The axle-tree.</span></p> + +<p>How is it that trees can put on new dresses +without "opening their trunks"? <span class="answer">Because +they leave out their summer clothing.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a potato +and a soldier? <span class="answer">One shoots from the eye, +the other from the shoulder.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a beehive +and a diseased potato? <span class="answer">None at all; one is +a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd +tatur (spectator).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a piece of +honeycomb and a black eye? <span class="answer">One is produced +by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring.</span></p> + +<p>Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed +cottons? <span class="answer">Because they are warranted +to wash—and keep color.</span></p> + +<p>Why are volunteers like old maids? <span class="answer">Because +they are always ready, but never +wanted.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why would young ladies make good volunteers? +<span class="answer">Because they are accustomed to +bare arms.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between love and +war? <span class="answer">One breaks hearts, the other heads.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a volunteer +and an omelet? <span class="answer">The difference is that one +is equipped to go forth, the other is egg +whipped to go froth.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? +<span class="answer">Because he is a negro-man-sir (necromancer).</span></p> + +<p>What is that which every one frequently +holds yet rarely touches? <span class="answer">His tongue.</span></p> + +<p>What is a good way to make money fast? +<span class="answer">Put it in a safety deposit box.</span></p> + +<p>Why is one who uses hair dye like a +suicide? <span class="answer">Because he dies by his own hand.</span></p> + +<p>Why are frames put about tomato plants? +<span class="answer">To make the tomato ketchup (catch up).</span></p> + +<p>Why should wire be used to train string +beans? <span class="answer">So that they may not be too stringy.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a proposal like the first conviction +for drunkenness? <span class="answer">Because it is a short sentence +which generally leads to a long one.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span></p> + +<p>What kind of a pen does the plagiarist +use? <span class="answer">Steel.</span></p> + +<p>If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what +relation does she bear to you? <span class="answer">Your +mother.</span></p> + +<p>Of what profession is every child? <span class="answer">A +player.</span></p> + +<p>Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious +person? <span class="answer">Because it has no scruples.</span></p> + +<p>Which is heavier, the half or the full +moon? <span class="answer">The half, because the full moon is +as light again.</span></p> + +<p>Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? +<span class="answer">Because his is all net profit.</span></p> + +<p>When is a boat like a heap of snow? +<span class="answer">When it is a-drift.</span></p> + +<p>What 'bus has found room for the greatest +number of people? <span class="answer">Colum-bus.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an alligator the most deceitful of +animals? <span class="answer">Because he shows an open countenance +in the act of taking you in.</span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to be really over +head and ears in debt? <span class="answer">When he hasn't +paid for his wig.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between the Prince +of Wales, an orphan, a bald-headed man, and +a gorilla? <span class="answer">The first is an heir apparent, +the second has ne'er a parent, the third has +no hair apparent, and the fourth has a hairy +parent.</span></p> + +<p>When does a son not take after his +father? <span class="answer">When his father leaves him nothing +to take.</span></p> + +<p>Why are poor relations like fits of the +gout? <span class="answer">Because the oftener they come the +longer they stay.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like +sympathy? <span class="answer">Because it is a fellow feeling +for another.</span></p> + +<p>When could you eat a lady's hand? +<span class="answer">When it is a warm muff in.</span></p> + +<p>Just state the difference between an +auction and sea-sickness. <span class="answer">One is a sale of +effects, the other the effects of a sail.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a man who has been all his +life a woodcutter, never come home to dinner? +<span class="answer">Because he's not only bred (bread) +there, but he's always a chop in (a-choppin') +the wood.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a soldier +and a fisherman? <span class="answer">One bayonets, the other +nets a bay.</span></p> + +<p>What musical instrument invites you to +fish? <span class="answer">Cast-a-net (castanet).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a fisherman +and a lazy schoolboy? <span class="answer">One baits his +hook, the other hates his book.</span></p> + +<p>What words may be pronounced quicker +and shorter by adding syllables to them? +<span class="answer">Quick and short.</span></p> + +<p>What is the worth of a woman? <span class="answer">Double +you, O man (w-o-man).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a kiss like a rumor? <span class="answer">Because it +goes from mouth to mouth.</span></p> + +<p>What shape is a kiss? <span class="answer">A-lip-tickle (elliptical).</span></p> + +<p>What becomes every woman? <span class="answer">A blush.</span></p> + +<p>Why are three couples going to be married +like penny trumpets? <span class="answer">Because they go +two-two-two.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which fastens two people together, +yet touches only one? <span class="answer">The wedding-ring.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is a ring? <span class="answer">A hole with a rim +around it.</span></p> + +<p>What grows bigger the more you contract +it? <span class="answer">Debt.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his +fortune, like the water in a filter? <span class="answer">Because +he soon runs through it, and leaves many +matters behind to settle.</span></p> + +<p>Why are birds melancholy in the morning? +<span class="answer">Because their little bills are all over dew +(overdue).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a last will +and testament and a man who has eaten as +much as he can? <span class="answer">One is signed and dated, +and the other is dined and sated.</span></p> + +<p>What is the greatest feat, in the eating +way, ever known? <span class="answer">That recorded of a man +who commenced by bolting a door, after +which he threw up a window, and then sat +down and swallowed a whole story.</span></p> + +<p>How should love come to the door? +<span class="answer">With a ring.</span></p> + +<p>If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to +marry, what flower would he name? <span class="answer">Any +money (anemone).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span></p> + +<p>When may two people be said to be half-witted? +<span class="answer">When there is an understanding +between them.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the science of self-defense like +low tide? <span class="answer">It develops the muscles.</span></p> + +<p>Why should a teetotaler never take a +wife? <span class="answer">He will not sup-porter (support her).</span></p> + +<p>Why should free seats at church be +abolished? <span class="answer">They make people good for +nothing.</span></p> + +<p>What relation is the door-mat to the +threshold? <span class="answer">A step-father (farther).</span></p> + +<p>When is love deformed? <span class="answer">When it is all +on one side.</span></p> + +<p>Where have you the most extended view? +<span class="answer">In a hop-garden, for then you see from pole +to pole.</span></p> + +<p>What burns to keep a secret? <span class="answer">Sealing +wax.</span></p> + +<p>Plant the setting sun, and what will come +up? <span class="answer">The morning glory.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy +ciphering? <span class="answer">He puts down three and carries +one.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are eyes like stage-horses? <span class="answer">They +are always under the lash.</span></p> + +<p>What is the brightest idea of the day? +<span class="answer">Your eye, dear.</span></p> + +<p>Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee +drink? <span class="answer">They are 'lasses in water.</span></p> + +<p>Of what color is grass under snow? <span class="answer">Invisible +green.</span></p> + +<p>What is the hardest conundrum? <span class="answer">Life, +because we all have to give it up.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which is often given you, +which you never have, yet which you often +give up? <span class="answer">A conundrum.</span></p> + +<p>What kin is that child to his own father +who is not his own father's son? <span class="answer">His +daughter.</span></p> + +<p>If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation +is Dick to Tom? <span class="answer">Tom is his grandfather.</span></p> + +<p>When does a man sneeze three times? +<span class="answer">When he cannot help it.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? +<span class="answer">Because his master pays it for him.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to have four +hands? <span class="answer">When he doubles his fists.</span></p> + +<p>What goes over the water and under the +water, but never touches the water? <span class="answer">A +woman crossing a bridge with a pail of +water on her head.</span></p> + +<p>How many peas in a pint? <span class="answer">One.</span></p> + +<p>When is a soldier like a watch? <span class="answer">When +he is on guard.</span></p> + +<p>How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn +his living? <span class="answer">By fowl means.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? +<span class="answer">Because he carries his calves there.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a cat rest better in summer? +<span class="answer">Because summer brings a cat-a-pillow (caterpillar).</span></p> + +<p>What is it that every man overlooks? <span class="answer">His +nose.</span></p> + +<p>Why should potatoes grow better than any +other vegetable? <span class="answer">Because they have eyes to +see what they are doing.</span></p> + +<p>What were the last words of the bugler +who was gored by the bull? <span class="answer">"Blow the +horns!"</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are lawyers like shears? <span class="answer">Because +they do not cut each other, but only what +comes between them.</span></p> + +<p>What have feet and walk not? <span class="answer">Stoves.</span></p> + +<p>What have eyes and see not? <span class="answer">Potatoes.</span></p> + +<p>What have noses but smell not? <span class="answer">Teapots.</span></p> + +<p>What have hands but work not? <span class="answer">Clocks.</span></p> + +<p>What have mouths but eat not? <span class="answer">Rivers.</span></p> + +<p>What have ears but hear not? <span class="answer">Cornstalks.</span></p> + +<p>What have tongues but talk not? <span class="answer">Wagons.</span></p> + +<p>Why do we all go to bed? <span class="answer">Because the +bed will not come to us.</span></p> + +<p>What is higher and handsomer when the +head is off? <span class="answer">A pillow.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best thing to make in a hurry? +<span class="answer">Haste.</span></p> + +<p>Why do dentists make good politicians? +<span class="answer">Because they have a great pull.</span></p> + +<p>If a tailor and a goose are on the top of +a monument, what is the quickest way for +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> +the tailor to get down? <span class="answer">Pluck the goose.</span></p> + +<p>If I walk into a room full of people and +place a new penny upon the table in full view +of the company, what does the coin do? <span class="answer">It +looks round.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a mouse like hay? <span class="answer">Because the +cat'll eat it (cattle).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a madman equal to two men? <span class="answer">Because +he is one beside himself.</span></p> + +<p>Which member of Congress wears the +largest hat? <span class="answer">The one who has the largest +head.</span></p> + +<p>When does a pig become landed property? +<span class="answer">When he is turned into a meadow.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a cow and +a rickety chair? <span class="answer">One gives milk and the +other gives whey (way).</span></p> + +<p>What flower most resembles a bull's +mouth? <span class="answer">The cowslip.</span></p> + +<p>When is a lady deformed? <span class="answer">When mending +stockings; because she then has her +hands where her feet ought to be.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a +phantom? <span class="answer">Because he's an airy-nought +(aėronaut).</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why do little birds in their nests agree? +<span class="answer">For fear of falling out.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant +sight to witness? <span class="answer">Because it's an +eye-sore ('igh soar).</span></p> + +<p>What impermeable fabric is a sparrow +like? <span class="answer">Gutter percher (gutta percha).</span></p> + +<p>Which of the feathered tribe can lift the +heaviest weights? <span class="answer">The crane.</span></p> + +<p>Why does the rope dancer invariably have +to repeat his performances? <span class="answer">Because they +are always on cord (encored).</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a widow +and a window? <span class="answer">Little if <em>n</em>-y; for the trans-parents +griefs of the one, like the panes of +the other, are removed in course of re-pairing; +and the latter is for mankind to look +out of, while the former looks out for mankind.</span></p> + +<p>When may a loaf of bread be said to be +inhabited? <span class="answer">When it has a little Indian in it.</span></p> + +<p>What part of a fish weighs most? <span class="answer">The +scales.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which works when it plays +and plays when it works? <span class="answer">A fountain.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is divinity the easiest of the three +learned professions? <span class="answer">Because it is easier +to preach than to practice.</span></p> + +<p>Why are sailors bad horsemen? <span class="answer">Because +they ride on the main (mane).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a +common? <span class="answer">Because it goes round the waste +(waist).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a thief like a knocker? <span class="answer">Because +they are tied up to prevent disturbance.</span></p> + +<p>What's the difference between a bee and +a donkey? <span class="answer">One gets all the honey, and the +other all the whacks (wax).</span></p> + +<p>Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? <span class="answer">Because +it's often under arms.</span></p> + +<p>Why are cripples and beggars similar to +shepherds and fishermen? <span class="answer">Because they +live by hook and by crook.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which has four legs and flies +in the air? <span class="answer">Two canary birds.</span></p> + +<p>What is the only pain of which every one +makes light? <span class="answer">A window pane.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a smith a dangerous companion? +<span class="answer">Because he deals in forgery.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why are coals like poor laboring men? +<span class="answer">Because they feed the great.</span></p> + +<p>Why is an honest friend like orange chips? +<span class="answer">Because he's candid.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? +<span class="answer">Because it has a colonel (kernel).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? +<span class="answer">Because it is best when full.</span></p> + +<p>What is the principal part of a horse? +<span class="answer">The mane (main) part.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a candle like an atheist? <span class="answer">Because +it's wicked.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a dog like a tree? <span class="answer">Because they +both produce a bark.</span></p> + +<p>What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's +helmet? <span class="answer">A cask (casque).</span></p> + +<p>Why is it no offense to conspire in the +evening? <span class="answer">What is treasonable is reasonable +after <em>t</em>.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? +<span class="answer">Because he is in a-coughing.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? +<span class="answer">Because he's at a stand.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span></p> + +<p>What part of a fish is like the end of a +book? <span class="answer">The fin-is.</span></p> + +<p>What language should a linguist end +with? <span class="answer">The Finnish.</span></p> + +<p>What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual +people? <span class="answer">Brilliancy.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a butcher +and a flirt? <span class="answer">One kills to dress, the other +dresses to kill.</span></p> + +<p>Why is marriage with a deceased wife's +sister like the wedding of two fish? <span class="answer">Because +it's a-finny-tie (affinity).</span></p> + +<p>A man bought two fishes, but on taking +them home found he had three; how was +this? <span class="answer">He had two—and one smelt.</span></p> + +<p>If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five +dollars, what would a ton of coal come to? +<span class="answer">To ashes.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied +of all mechanics? <span class="answer">Because he's always on +the strike for wages.</span></p> + +<p>Why is selling off bankrupt goods like +preparing a dish of soup? <span class="answer">Because it is a +liquidation of stock.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a wide-awake so called? <span class="answer">Because +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> +it never had a nap, and never wants +one.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a young +lady and a wide-awake hat? <span class="answer">One has feeling, +the other is felt.</span></p> + +<p>What is worse than raining cats and +dogs? <span class="answer">Hailing street cars.</span></p> + +<p>What is the oldest lunatic on record? +<span class="answer">Time out of mind.</span></p> + +<p>How can you make one pound of green +tea go as far as five pounds of black? <span class="answer">Buy +the above quantities in Boston, and send +them down to New York.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a +dangerous carriage to drive in? <span class="answer">Because +the cabman always drives over your head.</span></p> + +<p>Why is whispering in company like a +forged bank note? <span class="answer">Because it is uttered +but not allowed.</span></p> + +<p>Which constellation resembles an empty +fireplace? <span class="answer">The Great Bear.</span></p> + +<p>What is the last remedy for a smoky +chimney? <span class="answer">Putting the fire out.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a clever wit like a chemist? <span class="answer">Because +he has many a good retort.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent +lover? <span class="answer">Because his is unremitting affection.</span></p> + +<p>What is the difference between a spendthrift +and a feather bed? <span class="answer">One is hard up +and the other soft down.</span></p> + +<p>What comes after cheese? <span class="answer">Mouse.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like +a diplomat arguing his policy? <span class="answer">Because +each has a well-defined end in view.</span></p> + +<p>When may a man be said to breakfast before +he gets up? <span class="answer">When he takes a roll in +bed.</span></p> + +<p>When are volunteers not volunteers? +<span class="answer">When they are mustered (mustard).</span></p> + +<p>Which is the merriest sauce? <span class="answer">Caper +sauce.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs +like a high hill? <span class="answer">Because she's a-mounting +(a mountain).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? +<span class="answer">Because it never does write (right) by itself.</span></p> + +<p>Why are wooden ships, as compared with +ironclads, of the female sex? <span class="answer">Because they +are the weaker vessels.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span></p> + +<p>At what time of life may a man be said +to belong to the vegetable kingdom? <span class="answer">When +long experience has made him sage.</span></p> + +<p>When is a sailor not a sailor? <span class="answer">When he +is aloft.</span></p> + +<p>What wild animals may be correctly shut +up in one enclosure? <span class="answer">Twelve ounces in one +pound.</span></p> + +<p>What makes a pair of boots? <span class="answer">Two +boots.</span></p> + +<p>What tree is of the greatest importance in +history? <span class="answer">The date.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the superintendent of a children's +play-ground like a stranded vessel? <span class="answer">Because +he runs a-ground.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad +like a hunted bear in the mountains? +<span class="answer">Because he makes tracks for his life.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the engineer of a train like an +aėronaut? <span class="answer">Because he frequently slows +down.</span></p> + +<p>Why is it impossible that there should be +a best horse on a race course? <span class="answer">Because +there is always a bettor.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span></p> + +<p>When may a ship be said to be in love? +<span class="answer">When she wishes for a mate.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which has never been felt, +seen, or heard,—never existed, and still has +a name? <span class="answer">Nothing.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a congreve-box without matches +superior to all other boxes? <span class="answer">Because it is +matchless.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a postman in danger of losing his +way? <span class="answer">Because he is guided by the directions +of strangers.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which comes with a coach, +goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, +and yet the coach cannot go without it? +<span class="answer">Noise.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a missionary like a pig roasting +on a spit? <span class="answer">Because he goes around doing +good.</span></p> + +<p>Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? +<span class="answer">Because they nose (knows) everything.</span></p> + +<p>What makes a pet dog wag his tail when +he sees his master? <span class="answer">Because he's got one to +wag.</span></p> + +<p>What other edifice does a man sometimes +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> +carry about with him besides a sty in his +eye? <span class="answer">A castle in the (h)air.</span></p> + +<p>When is a fast young man nearest heaven? +<span class="answer">When on a lark.</span></p> + +<p>When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? +<span class="answer">When it's smoked.</span></p> + +<p>When is a man most likely to get floored +(flawed)? <span class="answer">When he's up late (a plate), +and so runs a chance of becoming cracked.</span></p> + +<p>What are the features of the cannon? +<span class="answer">Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and cannon-eers.</span></p> + +<p>Who always sits with his hat on before +the queen? <span class="answer">Her coachman.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a +house on fire? <span class="answer">Because the sooner it is put +out the better.</span></p> + +<p>When is a river not a river? <span class="answer">When it is +eye water (high water).</span></p> + +<p>What trade never turns to the left? <span class="answer">A +wheelwright.</span></p> + +<p>What trade is more than full? <span class="answer">Fuller.</span></p> + +<p>Why is electricity like the police when +they are wanted? <span class="answer">Because it is an invisible +force.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is a borough like a ship? <span class="answer">When it +is under canvass.</span></p> + +<p>Why are guns like trees? <span class="answer">People plant +them and they shoot.</span></p> + +<p>How does a boy look if you hurt him? +<span class="answer">It makes him yell O! (yellow).</span></p> + +<p>What part of your ear would be the most +essential for a martial band? <span class="answer">The drum.</span></p> + +<p>What is it that stands aloft, and regulates +our daily movements, yet feels no interest in +our concerns; directs us when to go, and +when to come; yet cares not whether we attend +or not; still, thus indifferent to our fate, +often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, +and we feel no resentment when the reproof +is given? <span class="answer">A clock.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the dove a very cautious little +dear? <span class="answer">Because he minds his peas and coos.</span></p> + +<p>When is a baby like a breakfast cup? +<span class="answer">When it's a tea thing (teething).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a chicken served to a minister like +a theological student? <span class="answer">Because it is about +to enter the ministry.</span></p> + +<p>What animal keeps the best time? <span class="answer">A +watch dog.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? +<span class="answer">When it is a little pale (pail).</span></p> + +<p>When is a nose not a nose? <span class="answer">When it is a +little reddish (radish).</span></p> + +<p>What sort of a face does the auctioneer +like best? <span class="answer">One that is for-bidding.</span></p> + +<p>When is a straight field not a straight +field? <span class="answer">When it is a rye field (a wry).</span></p> + +<p>What is it that walks with its head downward? +<span class="answer">A nail in a shoe.</span></p> + +<p>Why are the hours from one to twelve +like good Christians? <span class="answer">Because they are always +on the watch.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a hen walking across the road like +a conspiracy? <span class="answer">Because it is a foul proceeding.</span></p> + +<p>What sort of sympathy would you rather +be without? <span class="answer">You don't want to be pitted +by the small-pox.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which we often return but +never borrow? <span class="answer">Thanks.</span></p> + +<p>What animals are always seen at a funeral? +<span class="answer">Black kids.</span></p> + +<p>What did the pistol ball say to the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> +wounded duelist? <span class="answer">"I hope I give satisfaction."</span></p> + +<p>Why is horse racing a necessity? <span class="answer">Because +it is a matter of course.</span></p> + +<p>What is a young lady who refuses you? +<span class="answer">Two no-ing by half.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? +<span class="answer">Because it is matured by falling due +(dew).</span></p> + +<p>What games do the waves play at? <span class="answer">At +pitch and toss.</span></p> + +<p>What fish is most valued by a loving wife? +<span class="answer">Her-ring.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping +her boy? <span class="answer">Because it's a hiding of the +son (sun).</span></p> + +<p>When does a man's hair resemble a packing +box? <span class="answer">When it stands on end.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a woman who tries to drive a +balky horse like a successful actress? <span class="answer">Because +she's the leading lady.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial +disposition? <span class="answer">Because he offers a horn +to every one he meets.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span></p> + +<p>When is silence likely to get wet? <span class="answer">When +it reigns.</span></p> + +<p>How do you make a Maltese cross? <span class="answer">Pull +its tail.</span></p> + +<p>What is a waste (waist) of time? <span class="answer">The +middle of an hour glass.</span></p> + +<p>Who is the most popular preacher? +Jack in the pulpit. Why? <span class="answer">Because he is +silent.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a muddy road a guardian of the +public safety? <span class="answer">Because it reduces the speed +of autos.</span></p> + +<p>Why does a student never lead a sedentary +life? <span class="answer">Because he's always pursuing his +studies.</span></p> + +<p>Why are bishops like superannuated +washerwomen? <span class="answer">Because they wear lawn +dresses (were laundresses).</span></p> + +<p>Why can no clergyman have a wooden +leg? <span class="answer">Because, although a chaplain may be +a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un +(layman).</span></p> + +<p>If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, +what is squeezing point? <span class="answer">Two in the shade.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is that which becomes too young the +longer it exists? <span class="answer">A portrait.</span></p> + +<p>What is that which we often catch yet +never see? <span class="answer">A passing remark.</span></p> + +<p>What is the geometrical form of an escaped +parrot? <span class="answer">A polygon (polly gone).</span></p> + +<p>Why is a lamp like a house? <span class="answer">Because it +has a chimney.</span></p> + +<p>Why is the wall going to decay? <span class="answer">Because +you can see its molding.</span></p> + +<p>How does a tipsy man generally look? +<span class="answer">Dizzy-pated.</span></p> + +<p>At what age should a man marry? <span class="answer">At +the parsonage.</span></p> + +<p>Why is a committee of inquiry like a +cannon? <span class="answer">It makes a report.</span></p> + +<p>What is the most popular paper at a summer +resort? <span class="answer">Flypaper.</span></p> + +<p>What coat is finished without buttons and +put on wet? <span class="answer">A coat of paint.</span></p> + +<p>Why do you think that a judge of the +criminal court is looked upon with contempt? +<span class="answer">Because every day the worst of +scoundrels are set before him.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span></p> + +<p>Why is a book like a king? <span class="answer">It has many +pages.</span></p> + +<p>What roof never keeps out the wet? <span class="answer">The +roof of the mouth.</span></p> + +<p>What fruit is on a cent? <span class="answer">A date.</span></p> + +<p>Why are good women like ivy? <span class="answer">Because +the greater the ruin, the closer they cling.</span></p> + +<p>Why are bad women like ivy? <span class="answer">Because +the closer they cling the greater the ruin.</span></p> + + +<h3>Echoes</h3> + +<p>What must be done to conduct a newspaper +right? <span class="answer">Write.</span></p> + +<p>What is necessary to a farmer to assist +him? <span class="answer">System.</span></p> + +<p>What would give a blind man the greatest +delight? <span class="answer">Light.</span></p> + +<p>What is the best advice to give a justice +of the peace? <span class="answer">Peace.</span></p> + +<p>Who commit the greatest abominations? +<span class="answer">Nations.</span></p> + +<p>Who is the greatest terrifier? <span class="answer">Fire.</span></p> + +<p>What made the tart tart? <span class="answer">Because she +didn't want the baker to bake her.</span></p> + + + +<hr class="chapbreak" /> +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></div> +<h2><a name="CHAPTER_X" id="CHAPTER_X"></a>CHAPTER X<br /> +<span class="smcap">Charades, Stories, and Contests</span></h2> + + +<div> +My first makes company,<br /> +My second shuns company,<br /> +My third assembles company,<br /> +My whole puzzles company. +<p class="answer">Co-nun-drum.</p> +</div> + +<p>My first is a reflection, my second not so +much, and my whole none at all. <span class="answer">Thoughtless.</span></p> + +<p>I lived upon my own substance and died +when I had devoured myself. <span class="answer">A candle.</span></p> + +<p>I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but +a tick. <span class="answer">A clock.</span></p> + +<p>You can hang me on the wall, but if you +take me down, you cannot hang me up again. +<span class="answer">Wall paper.</span></p> + +<p>In my first my second sat, my third and +fourth I ate. <span class="answer">In-sat-i-ate.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span></p> + +<div> +May my first never be lost in my second,<br /> +To prevent me from enjoying my whole. +<p class="answer">Friendship.</p> +</div> + +<p>My first I do, and my second—when I +say you are my whole—I do not. <span class="answer">Love-lie +(Lovely).</span></p> + +<p>My first is a prop, my second also is a +prop, and my whole is a prop as well. <span class="answer">Footstool.</span></p> + +<p>Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; +scratch my back, and I'm nobody. <span class="answer">A mirror.</span></p> + +<p>By well employing my second you will +never regret my first, and you will the more +thoroughly enjoy my whole. <span class="answer">Past-time.</span></p> + +<p>When you stole my first, I lost my second, +and you are the only person to give me my +whole. <span class="answer">Hearts-ease.</span></p> + +<div>Why is the emblem of America more lasting +than that of France, England, Ireland, +or Scotland? + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza answer" style="margin:0 auto 1em"> +<span class="i0">The lily may fade, and its leaves decay,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">The rose from its stem may sever;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Shamrock and thistle may pass away,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But the stars shall shine for ever.<br /></span> +</div></div></div> + +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span></div> + +<table class="center" summary=""> +<tr><td>Read</td><td>see</td><td>that</td><td>me</td><td>but</td><td>not</td><td>my</td><td>got</td></tr> +<tr><td>Up</td><td>shall</td><td>I</td><td>love</td><td>if</td><td>me</td><td>love</td><td>for-</td></tr> +<tr><td>And</td><td>you</td><td>love</td><td>you</td><td>that</td><td>love</td><td>for</td><td>be</td></tr> +<tr><td>Down</td><td>and</td><td>you</td><td>if</td><td>you</td><td>do</td><td>you</td><td>shall</td></tr> +</table> +<p class="answer">Read up and down and you shall see.</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Can you tell me why<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A hypocrite's eye<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Can better descry<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Than you or I<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On how many toes<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A pussy-cat goes?<br /></span> +</div><div class="stanza answer" style="margin-top:.4em"> +<span class="i0">A man of deceit<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Can best count-er-feit;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And so, I suppose,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Can best count her toes.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<div><p style="margin-bottom:.4em">My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door;<br /> +My second is made into cakes and a bun;<br /> +My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore;<br /></p> +<p style="margin-top:.4em">My whole we have frequently been led to +believe by many authors of the United +States is very often indeed called one. +<span class="answer">Mat-ry(e)-money.</span></p></div> + +<p>Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> +conundrum? <span class="answer">Because he's averse to +matrimony.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">By equal division, I know I am right;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight.<br /></span> +</div> +<table class="xiii answer" summary=""> +<tr><td></td><td class="viii">V</td><td class="viii">III</td><td></td></tr> +<tr><td>XIII, </td><td>Λ</td><td>III</td><td>, VIII</td></tr> +</table> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I came to a field and couldn't get through it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So I went to school and learned how to do it.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Fence.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Legs have I got, but seldom walk,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I backbite all, yet never talk.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">A flea.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But those who are in, entirely are out of it.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Sane; insane.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Formed long ago, yet made to-day,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">I'm most employed while others sleep;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">What none would like to give away,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Yet no one likes to keep.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Bed.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My first of anything is half,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My second is complete;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And so remains until once more<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My first and second meet.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Semi-circle.</p> +</div> + +<div><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span></div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Pray tell me, ladies, if you can,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who is that highly favored man,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Who, though he has married many a wife,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">May still live single all his life?<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">A clergyman.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Great numbers do our use despise,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">But yet, at last they find,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Without our help in many things,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">They might as well be blind.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Spectacles.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My love for you will never know<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My first, nor yet my second;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Tis like your wit and beauty, so<br /></span> +<span class="i1">My whole 'twill aye be reckoned.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">End-less.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">As I was going through a field of wheat,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I found something good to eat;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It wasn't fish or flesh or bone;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I kept it till it ran alone.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">An egg.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">There's a word composed of three letters alone<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which reads backwards and forwards the same,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span><br /></span> +<span class="i1">And to beauty lays principal claim.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Eye.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">We travel much, yet pris'ners are,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">And close confined to boot;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">We with the swiftest horse keep pace,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Yet always go on foot.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">A pair of spurs.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My first doth affliction denote,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Which my second is destined to feel;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But my whole is the sure antidote<br /></span> +<span class="i1">That affliction to soothe and to heal.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Wo-man.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Those who take me improve, be their task what it may,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I am hated alike by the foolish and wise,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet without me none ever to eminence rise.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Pains.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Your initials begin with an A,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You've an A at the end of your name,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">The whole of your name is an A,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And it's backwards and forwards the same.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Anna.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ever running on my race,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Never staying at one place, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span><br /></span> +<span class="i0">Through the world I make my tour,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Everywhere at the same hour.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">If you please to spell my name,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Reversed or forward it's the same.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Noon.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">You name me once, and I am famed<br /></span> +<span class="i1">For deeds of noble daring;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">You name me twice, and I am found<br /></span> +<span class="i1">In savage customs sharing.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Tar-tar.</p> +</div> + +<p>What is that which lives in winter, dies +in summer, and grows with its root upwards? +<span class="answer">An icicle.</span></p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Water soft is my first, water hard is my second,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Liquor-ice (licorice).</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">From a number that's odd cut off the head,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">It then will even be.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Its tail, I pray, next take away,<br /></span> +<span class="i2">Your mother then you'll see.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Seven—even—Eve.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">My first is of illustrious line,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Of beauteous form and face divine;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Which when my second does assail, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span><br /></span> +<span class="i0">Both form and beauty then do fail;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">My whole an arduous task to do<br /></span> +<span class="i0">With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Man-age.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">A stranger comes from foreign shores,<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Perchance to seek relief;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Curtail him, and you find his tale<br /></span> +<span class="i1">Unworthy of belief;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Curtailed again, you recognize<br /></span> +<span class="i1">An old Egyptian chief.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Alien—a lie—Ali.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And when he set off running, an Irishman was he;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">Ere Adam was, my early days began;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I ape each creature, and resemble man;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor leave the least impression where I pass;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span><br /></span> +<span class="i0">You'll quickly find me out by candlelight.<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">Shadow.</p> +</div> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span><br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear.<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Without it the soldier and sailor may roam,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">But woe to the wretch who expels it from home!<br /></span> +<span class="i0">So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower:<br /></span> +<span class="i0">Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour!<br /></span> +</div> +<p class="answer">The letter "H."</p> +</div> + + +<h3>Stories</h3> + +<p>How do you punctuate the sentence, "I +saw a five-dollar bill on the street?" <span class="answer">Make +a dash after it.</span></p> + +<p>There was a carpenter who made a cupboard +door; it proved too big. He cut it, +and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he +thereupon cut it again, and made it fit beautifully. +How was this? <span class="answer">He did not cut it +enough the first time.</span></p> + +<p>There are twelve birds in a covey. A +hunter kills a brace, then how many remain? +<span class="answer">None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly +away.</span></p> + +<p>A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he +could see more with one eye than his friend +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> +could with two. How was this? <span class="answer">Because +he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other +only saw his one.</span></p> + +<p>A hunter and his dog went out hunting. +The dog went not behind, went not before, +nor on one side of him. Where did he go? +<span class="answer">On the other side.</span></p> + +<p>Which would you rather—look a greater +fool than you are, or be a greater fool than +you look? <span class="answer">(Let the person choose, then +say, "That is impossible.")</span></p> + +<p>Which would you rather—that a lion ate +you or a tiger? <span class="answer">Why, you would rather +that the lion ate the tiger, of course.</span></p> + +<p>A man stopped before the window of a +trunk store; within, a large trunk was +marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one +"$15.00," and a small one bore the placard, +"This size for $5.00." "So do I," the +man said, and walked on.</p> + +<p>A man was crossing a bridge over a small +stream, and noticed a sign which read, +"Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, +and walked on. +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span></p> + + +<h3>Age Contest</h3> + +<p>What age will people reach if they live +long enough? <span class="answer">Dotage.</span></p> + +<p>To what age do most people look forward? +<span class="answer">Marriage.</span></p> + +<p>A necessary attribute of a soldier? +<span class="answer">Courage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is required at sea? <span class="answer">Tonnage.</span></p> + +<p>What age are we forbidden to worship? +<span class="answer">Image.</span></p> + +<p>What age do people get stuck on? +<span class="answer">Mucilage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is neither more nor less? +<span class="answer">Average.</span></p> + +<p>What is the age of profanity? <span class="answer">Damage.</span></p> + +<p>At what age will vessels ride safely? +<span class="answer">Anchorage.</span></p> + +<p>What age does the infant in arms pass +through? <span class="answer">Crib-bage.</span></p> + +<p>What age does the small boy enjoy? +<span class="answer">Sauce-age (sausage).</span></p> + +<p>What age is the young lady most interested +in? <span class="answer">Garb-age.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span></p> + +<p>What age does the child in primary school +dislike? <span class="answer">Ad(d)-age.</span></p> + +<p>What age does the bride desire? <span class="answer"> Dotage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is necessary for a clergyman? +<span class="answer">Parsonage.</span></p> + +<p>What is the age of communication? +<span class="answer">Postage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is most important to travelers? +<span class="answer">Mileage.</span></p> + +<p>What is the age of slavery? <span class="answer">Bondage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is served for breakfast? <span class="answer">Sausage.</span></p> + +<p>What is the most indigestible age? +<span class="answer">Cabbage.</span></p> + +<p>What age signifies the farmer? <span class="answer">Tillage.</span></p> + +<p>What age belongs to travelers? <span class="answer">Baggage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is an indication of wealth? +<span class="answer">Acreage.</span></p> + +<p>What age do milliners delight in? <span class="answer">Plumage.</span></p> + +<p>What age is shared by a doctor and a +lawyer? <span class="answer">Patronage.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196">[Pg 196]</a></span></p> + +<p>What age is used in turkey stuffing? +<span class="answer">(S)age.</span></p> + +<p>What age do a number of people enjoy +in common? <span class="answer">Village.</span></p> + + +<h3>Ant Contest</h3> + +<p>What is the oldest ant? <span class="answer">Adam-ant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant hires his home? <span class="answer">Tenant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is joyful? <span class="answer">Jubilant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is learned? <span class="answer">Savant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is well informed? <span class="answer">Conversant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is trustworthy? <span class="answer">Confidant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is proud? <span class="answer">Arrogant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant sees things? <span class="answer">Observant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is angry? <span class="answer">Indignant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant tells things? <span class="answer">Informant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is successful? <span class="answer">Triumphant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is an officer? <span class="answer">Commandant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is a beggar? <span class="answer">Mendicant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is obstinate? <span class="answer">Defiant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is youngest? <span class="answer">Infant.</span> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197">[Pg 197]</a></span></p> + +<p>What is the ruling ant? <span class="answer">Dominant.</span></p> + +<p>What is the wandering ant? <span class="answer">Errant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant lives in a house? <span class="answer">Occupant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant points out things? <span class="answer">Significant.</span></p> + +<p>What ant is prayerful? <span class="answer">Supplicant.</span></p> + + +<h3>City Contest</h3> + +<p>What city is for few people? <span class="answer">Scarcity.</span></p> + +<ul> +<li>Happy people? <span class="answer">Felicity.</span></li> +<li>Hypocrites? <span class="answer">Duplicity.</span></li> +<li>Chauffeurs? <span class="answer">Velocity.</span></li> +<li>Truthful people? <span class="answer">Veracity.</span></li> +<li>Athletes? <span class="answer">Elasticity.</span></li> +<li>Greedy people? <span class="answer">Voracity.</span></li> +<li>Wild beasts? <span class="answer">Ferocity.</span></li> +<li>Home lovers? <span class="answer">Domesticity.</span></li> +<li>Actors? <span class="answer">Publicity.</span></li> +<li>Reporters? <span class="answer">Audacity.</span></li> +<li>Wise people? <span class="answer">Sagacity.</span></li> +<li>Hungry people? <span class="answer">Capacity.</span></li> +<li><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> + Telegraph operators? <span class="answer">Electricity.</span></li> +<li>Crowds? <span class="answer">Multiplicity.</span></li> +<li>Nations? <span class="answer">Reciprocity.</span></li> +<li>Old people? <span class="answer">Eccentricity.</span></li> +<li>Beggars? <span class="answer">Mendicity.</span></li> +<li>Unhappy people? <span class="answer">Infelicity.</span></li> +<li>Office-seekers? <span class="answer">Pertinacity.</span></li> +</ul> + + +<p class="theend">THE END</p> + + +<div class="trnote"> +<h2><a name="trcorrections" id="trcorrections"></a>Transcriber's corrections</h2> +<ul> +<li><a href="#TC_1">p. xi</a>: In the early half of the seventeenth[seventeeth] century</li> +<li><a href="#TC_2">p. 7</a>: An oculist[occulist] is an excellent sleight-of-hand</li> +<li><a href="#TC_3">p. 35</a>: Because he discovered[dicovered] a whole New World.</li> +<li><a href="#TC_4">p. 45</a>: What is the most difficult[diffcult] river on which to</li> +<li><a href="#TC_5">p. 88</a>: Why is a rooster on a fence[fency] like a penny?</li> +<li><a href="#TC_6">p. 99</a>: What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer[Rain-dear].</li> +</ul> +</div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. Ordway + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS *** + +***** This file should be named 32898-h.htm or 32898-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/3/2/8/9/32898/ + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Handbook of Conundrums + +Author: Edith B. Ordway + +Release Date: June 19, 2010 [EBook #32898] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HANDBOOK OF CONUNDRUMS *** + + + + +Produced by David Edwards and the Online Distributed +Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net (This file was +produced from images generously made available by The +Internet Archive) + + + + + +Transcriber's note: The symbol _ (underscore) has generally been used +to indicate italics. However, when only partial words have been +italicized this has instead been indicated using capital letters. + + + + + THE HANDBOOK + OF + CONUNDRUMS + + BY + + EDITH B. ORDWAY + + Author of "The Etiquette of To-day," and + "Synonyms and Antonyms." + + NEW YORK + + GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY + + + + + Copyright, 1914, by + SULLY and KLEINTEICH + + Copyright, 1915, by + SULLY and KLEINTEICH + + All rights reserved + + PRINTED IN U. S. A. + + + + +PREFACE + + +This book presents a grindstone whereon the reader may whet his wits. +It is of sufficient hardness to resist the coarsest metal of +broad-bladed humor, and of sufficient fineness of grain to edge the +best steel of fancy. + +Like all grindstones, though its form is new, its ingredients are of +remote origin. It has whetted many English and American blades for +the battle of ideas, and is, therefore, in places, somewhat worn. +There is, however, much absolutely fresh surface. + +Any blade of fine temper properly ground upon it is warranted to +cleave to the dividing asunder of such subtle distinctions as that +between humorsome stupidity and precise wit, and that between the wit +of laughter only and the wit of insight. + + E. B. O. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +A conundrum is a riddle in the form of a question, the answer to +which involves a pun. Originally the term was applied to any quaint +expression. It is thus, in its modern form, a union of the elaborated +riddle and the impromptu pun. + +With the earliest development of intelligence came the discovery of +likeness and difference in things, and the search for analogy was +carried out along both sensible and absurd lines, the latter drifting +into a double analogy of thought and form, of which the conundrum is +the logical product. + +The literatures of all peoples contain the riddle, which might be +witty or serious as impulse prompted. All bright and clever minds +have seen the possibilities of the pun, and so common is it as an +impromptu form of wit among keen people, so general the temptation to +fall into it, that it is looked upon with disfavor, as a pitfall for +thought, which often prevents it from finishing its course. + +The conundrum has, however, an ancient and honorable lineage, and, +while not often given its precise form in conversation or anecdote, +is readily adapted to the permanent embodiment of those flashes of +wit which enlighten and cheer. + +The ability to guess and to propound riddles was held in high respect +in early times. Men of great physical prowess were expected to guess +riddles to prove their mental prowess, and many were the contests of +this sort which were held. The stakes in these contests were very +high,--often life or honor. In Norse mythology the prize of such a +contest was once the daughter of the god Thor; in another the life of +the giant Vafthrudnir was forfeit when he failed to win in +competition with the god Odin. + +So in the old English ballad of the Elfin-knight, a maiden saves +herself from an evil spirit by successfully guessing his riddles. +Among many primitive peoples the game of riddle-reading was played +with opposing sides, each headed by a champion, and with bets staked +on the outcome. Often in ballads and folklore the hero's escape from +death and final triumph hinge upon the guessing of a riddle. + +The Semitic people held in high regard the power to read riddles, and +this power, as in the story of Solomon, blends with the higher +intelligence which makes for wisdom. + +Perhaps the most famous of Hebrew conundrums is that of Samson, the +strong of intellect as of body, who, when he found the honey which +the wild bees had placed in the carcass of a lion, read to the +Philistines this riddle: "Out of the eater came forth meat, and out +of the strong came forth sweetness." + +Among the Greeks and Romans, as among earlier peoples, all forms of +wit and play of word and fancy were tried and popular. D'Israeli, in +his "Curiosities of Literature," records that "It is certain that +Cicero was an inveterate punster; and he seems to have been more +ready with them than with repartees." + +The story of the famous riddle of the Sphinx comes down from Greek +mythology. The city of Thebes was infested by a monster having the +body of a lion and the upper part of a woman. She lay crouching upon +a rock near a narrow pass which led to the city, and propounded to +all travelers a riddle, allowing all who guessed to pass safely, but +killing all who failed. The uniform failure of all who came, and +their subsequent slaughter, made great lamentation in the city. +Oedipus, the unacknowledged son of the King of Thebes, who had +shortly before unknowingly killed his father, undertook to rid the +city of the monster. He boldly confronted the Sphinx, who asked him +the riddle, "What animal is it that in the morning goes on four feet, +at noon on two, and in the evening upon three?" Oedipus replied, +"Man, who in childhood creeps on hands and knees, in manhood walks +erect, and in old age goes with the aid of a staff."[1] The Sphinx +thereupon cast herself from the rock and perished, and the Thebans +made Oedipus king. + + [1] See Gayley's "Classic Myths in English Literature and in Art" + (Boston, Ginn and Company, 1911). + +There is one age-old riddle, still current in Brittany, Germany, and +Gascony, about which the tradition hovers that Homer died with +vexation at not being able to discover the answer. It is, "What we +caught we threw away, what we could not catch we kept." + +Early folklore riddles dealt with natural phenomena. With the Wolofs +the riddle of the wind asks, "What flies forever and rests never?" +The Teutonic form was, "What can go in the face of the sun, yet leave +no shadow?" The Basutos of South Africa ask: "What is wingless and +legless, yet flies fast and cannot be imprisoned?" and answer, "The +voice." + +The oldest English riddles extant are among the fragments found in +"The Exeter Book." These date back to the eighth century and were +written in Northumbria. While these are not conundrums in the modern +sense, they are very elaborate studies of analogy, and contain some +of the most imaginative of Anglo-Saxon poetry. + +In the early half of the seventeenth century there were published +several small books, which contain the sources of many of the +conundrums of the present day. These books have been brought together +by W. Carew Hazlitt, under the title "Shakespeare's Jest-Books" +(London, 1864). The dates of these books are variously 1600, 1630, +1636, and 1639. The form is narrative, with occasional dialogue, and +approaches that of the conundrum, and the wit though far from subtle +is often effective. Though the names of the authors of some of these +books are known, the authorship of others is in doubt. They were to a +considerable extent not attributable to one man, but were the bright +sayings of the day. + +The first chapter of the present volume, entitled "Early English +Wit," brings together, in modernized form, some of the brightest of +these sayings. The strangest thing about such a collection is to +discover of what antiquity some current conundrums are. That is +notably true of one taken from "Demaundes Joyous," printed by Wynkyn +de Worde in 1511, namely: + + "_Demaund._ How many straws go to a goose's nest? + + "_A._ None, for lack of feet. + +Besides the puns which may be made within a language itself, through +the variety of meanings of words and the similarity of sound in +different words, there is a certain class of hybrid puns and +conundrums which is made by the interchange of languages. The +following story illustrates this class: A newly appointed and bashful +young curate was visiting a young ladies' school in his parish. The +ordeal of facing so many blooming young misses was endured until, the +class in Virgil having been found ill-prepared and the teacher having +requested that the translation be made word for word, he was startled +by the declaration made by a pretty young lady, "We kiss him in turn" +(_Vicissim_, in turn), whereupon he ungallantly fled. + +When Laud was Archbishop to Charles I, it is related that the Court +Jester made the punning grace, "Great praise be to God and little +Laud to the Devil," which resulted in his banishment by the +Archbishop. + +Shakespeare uses the conundrum with a masterly hand, ringing many +changes upon it and producing many effects, both grave and gay. An +example of the quizzical dialogue which has the wit of the conundrum +as its basis, is found in "Twelfth Night," Act I., scene 5: + + _Clown._ Good madonna, why mournest thou? + + _Olivia._ Good fool, for my brother's death. + + _Clown._ I think his soul is in hell, madonna. + + _Olivia._ I know his soul is in heaven, fool. + + _Clown._ The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul + being in heaven. + +While the conundrum ranks as the formal literary representative of +the spontaneous pun, the literature of wit is alive with the naked +pun in its original state. Pope, Hood, Lamb, and Holmes are the names +of some whose punning arraignments of puns and punsters make them at +once judges and prisoners at the bar. + +Theodore Hook is accredited with the original pun which is the basis +of a common conundrum. He bragged that he could make a pun on any +subject, and immediately a friend suggested that he make one on the +King. "The King is no subject," was the prompt rejoinder. + +The poems of Thomas Hood, the "king of punsters," abound in puns, and +the sort of wit, subtle or broad, which may be expressed in puns. He +was primarily a poet, and manipulated words in a masterly fashion, +not letting them deflect his thought. An example of the +inevitableness of his punning is found in the poem on "Sally Brown": +"They went and told the sexton, and the sexton toll'd the bell." + +A friendly contest between Hook and Hood, as to which could make the +best pun, resulted in a draw, the efforts of the two men being of +equal merit, according to the friend who was called upon to decide. + +Alexander Pope, although disapproving of the pun as a trifling form +of wit, once challenged his hearers to suggest a word upon which he +could not make a pun. The word "keelhauling," meaning to draw a man +under a ship, was given by a woman present. "That, Madam," replied +Pope, "is indeed putting a man under a hardship." + +The incident is told of Charles Lamb that once when in Salisbury +Cathedral the constable remarked to him that eight people had dined +at the top of the spire; whereupon Lamb remarked that they must be +"very sharp set." + +The story is told that a man noted for his wit in puns was asked in +regard to the writings of Thomas Carlyle if he did not like "to +expatiate in such a field?" He replied, "No. I can't get over the +stile (style)." + +From the riddle or pun it is but a short step to the conundrum, +which takes the pun from its purely factitious setting and gives it a +general application and a permanent form. It is, when rightly +constructed, at once interesting and instructive, teaching as much by +negative as by affirmative statement. It embodies the ever new +analogies between dissimilar things, and with a language so fertile +in idiom as the English aids in its mastery. Used in application to +historical and geographical subjects it may serve to fix names and +places definitely in memory, as well as facts which but for the +humorous interest given to them would be dry and easily forgotten. + +There is a certain distinctive flavor to the current conundrums of a +period which tells more of the popular interests of the time than +anything but a newspaper could. The best conundrums of each period, +or those that center around a great event, would make most +illuminating historical reading. The opinions of the day are often +more clearly expressed in a conundrum than in an essay. It would have +been of interest to know what the wits, as well as the historians, +said of Napoleon at Waterloo, of the Boston Tea Party, and of +Washington and the Continental Congress. Possibly the opinion of +posterity would not have differed so widely from that of the wits as +from that of the contemporary chroniclers. + +John Taylor, whose book, "Wit and Mirth," published in 1630, was one +of the oldest and most distinctive original collections, was the +forerunner of such punning poets as Hood and Holmes. In the +dedication of his book, in order to forestall criticism for the +publishing of sayings already well-known, he says: "Because I had +many of them (the jests) by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt +that some of them may be in print in some other Authors, which I doe +assure you is more then I doe know." The authors of all compilations +of conundrums in the almost three centuries since have had to make +increasingly comprehensive acknowledgment, which the present author +here hastens to give, having drawn from the great common sources, as +well as from the unpublished current wit of the day. + + + + +CONTENTS + + + INTRODUCTION 7 + + Chapter Page + + I. EARLY ENGLISH WIT 1 + + II. MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS 18 + + III. BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS 20 + + IV. HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS 30 + + V. CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD 38 + + VI. GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS 44 + + VII. LITERARY CONUNDRUMS 52 + + VIII. CONUNDRUMS OF THE ALPHABET 60 + + IX. GENERAL CONUNDRUMS 73 + + X. CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS 183 + + + + +CHAPTER I + +EARLY ENGLISH WIT + + +In the anecdotes, dry remarks, repartees, and posers of this chapter, +the sayings of which were current from about 1600 on to the present +day, is seen the growth of the modern form of conundrum, which is +adhered to largely in the remaining chapters of this book. + + * * * * * + +A poet was asked where his wits were. "A-wool-gathering," he +answered. "No people have more need of it," was the reply. + +A good client is like a study gown, which sits in the cold himself to +keep his lawyer warm. + +"Why do lawyers' clerks write such wide lines?" "It is done to keep +the peace. For if the plaintiff should be in one line and the +defendant in the next, with the lines too near together, they might +perhaps fall together by the ears." + +A master spoke in a strain which his servant did not understand. The +servant thereupon asked that his master might rather give him blows +than such hard words. + +What great scholar is this same Finis, because his name is to almost +every book?[2] + + [2] Hazlitt considers this witticism, found in "Conceits, Clinches, + Flashes, and Whimzies" (London, 1639), the earliest of its kind, + and calls attention to the discussion as to whether Shakespeare's + plays were written by _Mr. Preface_ or _Mr. Finis_. + +A prodigal is like a brush that spends itself to make others go +handsome in their clothes. + +An antiquary loves everything for being moldy and worm-eaten,--as +Dutchmen do cheese. + +It was said that a player had "an idle employment of it." "You are +mistaken," was the reply, "for his whole life is nothing else but +action." + +A simple fellow in gay clothes was likened to a cinnamon +tree,--because the bark was of more worth than the body. + +One asked a favor of a prisoner, saying that he had hitherto found +him a fast friend, and hoped he should find him so still. + +A scholar who was much given to going abroad, was advised that he put +away his cushion, as he would then "sit harder to his study." + +It was remarked that "poetry and plain dealing were a couple of +handsome wenches." It was replied that "he who weds himself to either +of them shall die a beggar." + +Why are women so crooked and perverse in their conditions? Because +the first woman was made of a crooked thing. + +One was advised to marry a little woman, because "of evils the least +was to be chosen." + +A rich lawyer, whose fortune had been made by the practice of his +profession, desired to bequeath a certain sum to the insane asylum of +Bedlam. Being questioned why, he replied that he had got his money of +mad men, and he would give it to them again. + +The trade of tooth drawer is a conscienceless one, because it is +"nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets +his living." + +"A vainglorious man" was bragging that his father and uncle had +founded a certain hospital. One answered, "'Tis true, but yet know +that your father and your uncle were the mere confounders +(co-founders) of that hospital you speak of." + +It was said that corn was a quarrelsome creature, because it rose by +the blade, and fell by the ears with those that cut it. + +A tailor was commended for his dexterity, whereupon it was remarked +that tailors had their business at their fingers' ends. + +Colliers and mine-workers, it was said, should be well acquainted +with all the philosophical secrets of the earth, because they had a +deeper knowledge of it than any others. + +"Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he +be never so idle a fellow, yet he is still mending." + +"A smith," said one, "is the most pragmatical fellow under the sun, +for he hath always many irons in the fire." + +The proverb, "Wit bought is better than wit taught," had added to it +the comment, "because he that never bought any is but a natural wit," +embodying the play on the word "natural," the early name for "fool." + +Tall men are the most happy, because they are nearer heaven than +other men. They should also be great politicians, because they have +extraordinary reach. + +Of all soldiers musketeers are the most lazy, for they are always at +rest. + +It is necessary that some rich men be dunces, because pretenders to +learning may get preferment, and good wits will be able to help +themselves. + +Carpenters are the most civil men because they never do their +business without a rule. + +A hangman is the most trusty of friends, for, if he once have to do +with a man, he will see him hanged before he shall want money or +anything else. + +Physicians have the best of it. If they do well, the world proclaims +it; if ill, the earth covers it. + +A man and his wife were fighting. One was asked why he did not part +them, and replied, that he "had been better bred than to part man and +wife." + +Tobacconists (users of tobacco) would endure war well, for they would +never be stifled with fire and smoke. + +Fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling, for they never do +anything but it is against the hair (fiddlestring). + +Smiths are the most irregular of handicrafts men, because they never +think that they are better employed than when they are addicted to +their vices. + +It is no great matter what a drunkard says in his drink, for he never +says anything that he can stand to. + +"Horse-keepers and ostlers (let the world go which way it will, +though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are +still stable men." + +A hypocrite is odious to God, to man, and to the devil. God hates +him, because he is not what he seems; man hates him, because he seems +what he is not; and the devil hates him, because he seems not what he +truly is. + +Stage players are the most philosophical of men, because they are as +content in rags as in robes. + +"Roaring gallants" are like peddlers,--they carry their whole estate +upon their backs. + +An oculist is an excellent sleight-of-hand performer; because if he +undertakes to cure a blind man, he will so do it that the patient +shall see he does it. + +He that buys a horse in Smithfield and does not look upon him before +he buy him, with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a +pair of sorrowful spectacles for others to look on. + +Cobblers must be good men because they set men upright, and are +always employed in mending soles. + +A wild young gentleman desired to sell his land, and was asked the +reason, to which he answered that he hoped to go to heaven, but could +not possibly do so until he had forsaken earth. + +A drunkard, returning home at night, found his wife hard at her +spinning. She reproved him for his ill husbandry, and commended +herself for her good housewifery. He replied that she had no great +cause to chide, for, as she had been spinning, he came all the way +home reeling. + +An ignorant drunken surgeon, who killed all patients that came under +his hands, boasted that he was a better man than the parson; "For," +he said, "your cure maintains but yourself, but my cures maintain all +the sextons in the town." + +A man by the name of Stone fell off his horse into deep water, from +which he struggled, but not without some danger. His companion +laughed, and when rebuked, replied that any man would laugh to see a +stone swim. + +One who had received a threat that another would break his head with +a stone, replied, "It is a hard matter to break my head with a +stone." + +A physician sought to collect a bill due for service to a patient who +had died. He was told that it was a work of charity to visit the +sick, but if he wanted money so badly the only way was for him to +visit the dead, and then he would not want money any more. + +The following dialogue took place between two friends: "I love to +hear a man talk nonsense." "I know you love to hear yourself talk as +well as any man." + +A gentleman made some purchases upon trust in a shop, promising the +proprietor that he would owe him so much money. The proprietor was +for a time content, but when he sought to collect the payment, the +gentleman told him that he had not promised to pay him, but had +promised to owe him so much money, and that he would not break his +promise, as he would have to if he paid the debt. + +"What are Shakespeare's works worth, all bound together?" "Not a +farthing." "Not worth a farthing? How so?" "His plays are worth a +great deal of money, but I never heard that his works are worth +anything at all." + +A man met his friend riding without boots, and asked him about what +business he went. The friend replied that it was a matter of great +importance, and that he was in great haste. The man said, "I am +afraid that your labor is lost." "Why?" inquired the rider. +"Because," was the reply, "you ride of a bootless errand." + +Which of the letters of the alphabet are the most authentic on a bill +or bond? I O U. + +Why do not men and their wives agree better nowadays? Because men are +now more learned, and know that "it is false concord that the +masculine and feminine gender should agree at all." + +A man had the pictures of the five senses stolen from his house, and +came to a justice, desiring that the thieves might be bound to the +peace. "For what?" asked the justice. "For stealing your pictures?" +"Yes," replied the man. "I thought," said the justice, "that you had +lost your senses, that you talk so idly." + +One in the midst of a crowd of people on the top of the steeple of +St. Paul's Church, London, had his pocket picked. "What villains are +these," he exclaimed, "to pick a man's pocket in church!" "Nay, sir," +said another, "you are but robbed upon the highway." + +A scholar was fond of sitting in a study hung around with brown +paper, because, he would say, he did sometimes love to sit in a brown +study. + +"Why are there drums in the wars?" "To stir up the valor of the +soldiers." "Strange, for wheresoever the victory falls, the drums are +sure to be beaten." + +Why does B stand before C? Because a man must B before he can C. + +How long is the longest letter in the English alphabet? An L long. + +Two men, of whom one was a goldsmith, conspired together to steal a +silver bowl. When they had procured it, the goldsmith gilded it over +that it might not be known. They were arrested, however, and when the +matter came to trial, the judge said, that though the other stole it, +yet the guilt of the fact lay upon the goldsmith. + +One came upon a sexton making a grave for a great tall fellow by the +name of Button, and asked him for whom that extraordinarily long +grave was. The sexton answered, that he had made many longer than +that, and said it was but a button-hole compared with some graves +that he had made. + +A man, whose name was You, married a woman of the same name, and was +ever after called "Master W." + +One was wondering why the people of AEthiopia did not write straight +along as the northern people do, and another answered that they wrote +under the line, and that was the reason of it. + +A dyer, who was an idle drunken fellow, complained to a scholar that +he had bad luck in his business, and that usually those things which +he took to dye were spoiled. The scholar told him that the only way +to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill +could never dye well. + +What herb is there that cures all diseases? Thyme. + +An upholsterer rebuked his apprentice because he was not nimble +enough at his work, and had not his nails and hammer in readiness +when he should use them; and said that when he himself was an +apprentice he was taught to have his nails at his fingers' ends. + +What does that young man deserve who loves always to be in a +playhouse? A box. + +One expressed surprise that there were so many pickpockets about the +streets, notwithstanding that there was a watch at every corner. It +was answered that this was all one, for a pickpocket would as gladly +meet with a watch as with anything else. + +One who was skilled in writing shorthand offered to teach a lawyer's +clerk his skill, but the latter thanked him for his offer, and told +him that they could not live by making short hand of anything. + +A coward related to his friend that one had given him a box upon the +ear, but that he, instead of returning the blow, had turned to him +the other ear also. The friend replied, "Sure, there was a great +fight betwixt you, when blows were given on both sides." + +The word Interpreter is derived from Inter-prater, for one that +prated betwixt two that spoke several languages. + +A company of gentlemen entered a tavern whose sign was the Moon, and +called for a quart of sack. The drawer told them that they had none, +and that the man in the Moon always drank claret. + +A countryman, being asked how a certain river which ran through that +country was called, replied, that they never had need to call the +river, for it came without calling. + +A country fellow who was unaccustomed to paved streets, came to +London, and a dog suddenly ran out of one of the houses and came +furiously at him. The fellow stooped to pick up a stone to throw at +the dog, but finding them all fast rammed or paved into the ground, +exclaimed, "What a strange country am I in, where the people tie up +the stones, and let the dogs loose!" + +A justice of the peace, angry with a pilfering knave, said, "Sirrah, +if thou dost not mend thy manner, thou wilt be shortly hanged, or +else I will be hanged for thee." The bold knave replied, "I thank +your worship for that kind offer, and I beseech your worship not to +be out of the way, when I shall have occasion to use you." + +A sailor riding from Dover to London on a tired horse, was urged by +his companions to ride faster. "I can come no faster," he replied. +"Do you not see that I am becalmed?" + +Between twelve and one o'clock one asked me what o'clock it was. I +answered, "Little or nothing." He demanded what I meant. I replied +that, it being not one of the clock, it was to be reckoned or counted +for naught, as that which is less than one is little or nothing. + +(James the First and his successor created knights profusely for the +purpose of raising money. From this fact grew the following +conundrum:) Why did a knight take place of a gentleman? Because they +were knights nowadays before they were gentlemen. + +Why do fat men love their ease so much? Because the soul in a fat +body lies soft, and is therefore loath to rise. + +Who is he that has a fine wit in jest? A fool in earnest. + +One, hearing that a traveler had been on the peak of Teneriffe (which +is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world), asked him +why he had not stayed there, for he was sure he would never come so +near heaven again. + +What countryman is the devil? A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the +devil, trouble the whole world. (1600.) + +Musicians may be compared to chameleons, because they live by air. + +What countryman is a ploughman? They are all born in Hungary. + +Printers are the most lawless men in the kingdom, because they commit +faults with license. + +Why should men think there is a world in the moon? Because they are +lunatic. (This refers to the book, "A Discovery of a New World," by +Bishop Wilkins, which had just appeared in 1638.) + +It was asked of one who wore a threadbare coat, whether his coat were +not sleepy. "Why do you ask?" queried the owner. "Because," was the +reply, "I think it hath not had a nap this seven year." + +One remarked "that it was a good fashion that was worn nowadays" +(1639), "because the tailors had so contrived that there was little +or no waste in a whole suit." + +The philosopher's stone had need turn all metals to gold because the +study of it turns all a man's gold to other metal. + +A Gallant with a galloping wit was mounted upon a running horse +toward a town named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and, riding at +full speed, he met an old man, and asked him, 'Sirrah, is this the +way to Tame?' 'Yes, sir,' he replied, 'your horse, I'll warrant you, +if he were as wild as the devil.' + + "This is a riddle to a fool, methinks, + And seems to want an Oedipus or Sphinx, + But, Reader, in my book I hold it fit[3] + To find you lines, yourself must find you wit." + + [3] Sufficient. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +MYTHOLOGICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +Where was Time raised? In the lapse of ages. + +How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read +of his struggles with the tight-uns (Titans). + +What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell). + +Why does a woman residing up a pair of stairs remind you of a +goddess? Because she's a second floorer (Flora). + +Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? +Because he's a sea-king (a-seeking) what never was. + +If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really +haven't an ocean (a notion). + +If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, +what classical name might she mention? You row, pa (Europa). + +Why is Orpheus always in bad company? Because you never see him +without a lyre. + +If the Greeks had pushed Pan into the Bay of Salamis, what would he +have been when he came out? A dripping Pan. + +What did Io die of? Io-dide of potassium. + +When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on +without his club. + +What girl does Echo think can best answer questions? Ann, sir. + +Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his +swim) only. + +Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it is +always drawn with the drag-on. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +What three words did Adam use when he introduced himself to Eve, +which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam." + +At what time of day was Adam born? A little before Eve. + +Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no +Eve. + +How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? Their pair o' dice +(Paradise) was taken away from them. + +What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the +expulsion? Adamantine (Adam ain't in). + +Why did Adam bite the apple Eve gave him? Because he had no knife. + +At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve. + +What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain. + +Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. + +Who was first interested in horse racing? Adam--he was the father of +the race. + +How many apples were eaten in the Garden of Eden? Eve ate, and Adam, +too, and the devil won,--eleven in all. + +What one word will name the common parent of both beasts and man? +A-dam. + +What was the first surgical operation performed without the aid of +instruments? The extraction of a rib of Adam to be made into a wife. + +Why ought Adam to have been perfectly satisfied with his wife? +Because she was cut out especially for him. + +How did Adam and Eve feel when they left the Garden of Eden? Put out. + +Why were the gates of Eden shut after Adam and Eve went out? To keep +the dam(p) air out. + +What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin. + +Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had 'em). + +For what was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company. + +What did Adam first plant in the Garden of Eden? His foot. + +Who first introduced walking-sticks? Eve gave Adam a little Cain. + +What kind of cottages did Adam's sons prefer? Cottages with eaves +(Eves). + +Was our mother Eve High or Low Church? Adam thought her +Eve-angelical. + +What did Adam and Eve do when they got out of Eden? Raised Cain. + +Why was Paradise like a cucumber? Because it had a pair-in (paring). + +When was the first gambling? When Adam and Eve cast up a Paradise +(pair o' dice) for an apple. + +When did fruit first begin to swear? When the apple damned the first +pair. + +Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam--he was first in the +human race. + +How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was able (Abel). + +Why was Cain's murder like the main strength of his leg? Because it +was a sin-new. + +How can a whipping be ordered for a boy in five Old Testament names? +Adam, Seth, Eve, Cain, Abel. + +Why is a printing press like the forbidden fruit? Because from it +springs a knowledge of good and evil. + +What was four weeks old when Cain was born, and is not yet five? The +moon. + +Who first introduced salt pork into the Navy? Noah, when he took Ham +into the ark. + +Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the ark? Because, although +the ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (Hierarch). + +In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? +In the ark. + +Which animal took most luggage into the ark, and which the least? The +elephant, who had his trunk; while the fox and the cock had only a +brush and a comb between them. + +Who was the greatest financier of early times? Noah,--he floated his +stock when all the world was in liquidation. + +Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head. + +What was Noah busy about in the ark? Preserving pairs. + +Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Archives. + +How do we know that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo +went in with hops, and the bear was always _Bruin_. + +What did the cat say when she looked out of the window of the ark? Is +that Ararat? + +In what order did Noah come from the ark? He came forth. + +When did Abraham sleep five in a bed? When he slept with his +forefathers. + +Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit? They thought that it +was a good opening for the young man. + +Where is the theater mentioned in the Bible? Where Joseph left the +family circle and went into the pit. + +Who had the first free entrance into a theater? Joseph, when he got +into the pit for nothing. + +What person in the Bible died a death that no one else ever died--and +a part of whose shroud is on every dining table? Lot's wife. + +What did Lot do when his wife turned to salt? Got a fresh one. + +What scene in the life of Moses, the lawgiver, reminds us of a +gladiatorial show at Rome? The bulrushes. + +Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all +the Ten Commandments at once. + +Where are bank checks mentioned in the Bible? Pharaoh got a check on +the bank of the Red Sea--crossed by Moses and Co. + +Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she drew a little +prophet from the rushes on the bank. + +What was Pharaoh's chief objection to Moses? He found him more plague +than prophet. + +How do we know that there was a panic in the early days of Moses? +Because there were rushes on the banks of the Nile, and Pharaoh's +daughter withdrew a valuable deposit. + +Why do we assume that Moses wore a wig? Because sometimes he was seen +with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without. + +If you were to throw a white stone into the Red Sea, what would it +become? Wet. + +Who were the first mathematicians mentioned in the Bible? The +Children of Israel, who multiplied upon the face of the earth. + +What is the difference between the ancient Israelites and modern +washstands? The former had hewers of wood and drawers of water; the +latter have ewers of water and drawers of wood. + +Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because +of the sandwiches (sand which is) there. + +How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his +followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard), and when +Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt, all but-ter (but her) +went into the desert. + +Who was the oldest man that ever lived, yet who died before his +father did? Methuselah: his father Enoch did not die, but was +translated. + +If Richard Jones were milking a cow too quickly, what ancient name +would that animal mention? Melchisedek (Milk easy, Dick). + +What man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun. + +Who took the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua +countermanded the Sun. + +Why was the giant Goliath very much astonished when David hit him +with a stone? Because such a thing had never entered his head before. + +How many soft-boiled eggs could the giant Goliath eat upon an empty +stomach? One, after which his stomach was not empty. + +What ancient king was often literally in his contemporaries' mouth? +Agag. + +What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? The one was +king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings. + +Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor. + +Who was hanged for not wearing a wig? Absalom. + +In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic. + +Why would Samson have made an excellent actor? Because he could so +easily bring down the house. + +Why is the glass I drank out of yesterday like Nebuchadnezzar in his +debased condition? Because it was my tumbler (might humbler). + +What is the difference between Nineveh and a donkey-boy? One is in +Assyria, the other is an ass-hurryer. + +Who was the first unfortunate speculator? Jonah, because he got taken +in. + +What did the whale gain in the little transaction between him and +Jonah? The whale got all the prophet. + +Why was the whale which swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has +retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) +out of the water. + +How did Jonah feel when the whale was going to swallow him? Down in +the mouth--as if he was going to blubber. + +What divine law did the whale obey when he swallowed Jonah? Jonah was +a stranger and he took him in. + +Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up. + +Wherein did the prophet Jonah differ from the modern theologians? +Because while he disagreed with the whale, they disagree about him. + +Why was John the Baptist like a penny? Because he was one cent +(sent). + +Who won the first horse race in the Bible? Herodias' daughter when +she got a head of John the Baptist on a charger. + +When is a policeman like the good Samaritan? When he comes out of +some area (Samaria). + +Which are the two smallest things mentioned in the Scripture? The +widow's mite, and the wicked flee. + +Why is a good wife like the devil? While the husbandman sleepeth, she +seweth (soweth) tears (tares). + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +HISTORICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +There has been but one king crowned in England since the conquest. +What king was he? James I. He was King of Scotland before he was King +of England. + +When Louis Philippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his +subjects? Because, while he lost only a crown, they lost a sovereign. + +Why is a portrait of Queen Elizabeth like a wager which is neither +lost nor won? Because it is a drawn Bet. + +What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call +his mother to the window to see something wonderful? "Mammy, look!" +(Mameluke). + +What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles +(Themistocles). + +Who was the most wretched of all the murderers of Julius Caesar? The +miserable Cinna (sinner). + +What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? +One issues manifestoes; the other manifests toes without 'is shoes. + +Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy schoolboy on Christmas +Day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey. + +Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is one of the great +composers of modern times. + +Why was William Tell like a post? Because they couldn't get a bough +out of him. + +The name of what character in history would a person mention in +asking the servant to put coal on the fire? Philip the Great (fill up +the grate). + +Why are volunteers like Lord Nelson? Because the last thing he did +was to die for his country, and that is about the last thing the +volunteers intend doing. + +Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the fall of the +empire? Because the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry. + +When Charles I was beheaded, of what dish did the executioner dine, +and where? He took a chop at the King's Head. + +Why ought Charles I to have preferred burning to decapitation? +Because a hot steak (stake) is always preferable to a cold chop. + +Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every +man had one kilt before the battle began. + +Why are the Royal Academicians the greatest swells ever known? +Because Solomon, even in all his glory, was not R. A.'d (arrayed) +like one of these. + +What piece of music did the Romans, at the time of the early +Christians, most enjoy? A stab at martyr (A Stabat Mater). + +If a nice plump Member of Parliament were eaten uncooked by savages, +why would he be like Louis Napoleon? Because he would be served as an +M. P. raw (emperor). + +Why is the list of celebrated musical composers like a saucepan? +Because it is incomplete without a Handel. + +When was Napoleon I most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). + +What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a +crown. + +In what respects were the governments of Algiers and Malta as +different as light from darkness? The one was governed by deys, the +other by knights. + +Why is the Delaware River like an inkstand? Because Penn was the +first man who entered it. + +Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf in Rome? Because he thought +it a good opening for a young man. + +What were the odds at the battle of Aliwal? They were six (Sikhs) and +we (the English) one (won). + +What Indian battle tried the metal (mettle) of the English soldiers? +The battle of Assay(e). + +Who is the first little boy mentioned by a single word in the history +of England? Chap. I. + +Who was the first postman? Cadmus. He carried letters from Phoenicia +to Greece. + +Where was Humboldt going when he was thirty-nine years old? Into his +fortieth year. + +What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C P O +(Scipio). + +Why did Louis Philippe omit to take his umbrella when he left Paris? +Just as he left the rain (reign) was over. + +Why are the English the worst judges of cattle in the world? Because +the Pope sent them a bull and they thought it a bore (boar). + +If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial +name should you address him? Nap-holy-un (Napoleon). + +Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it +was built for one sovereign--and finished for another. + +Why is it only natural that the memory of Guy Fawkes should be +execrated? Because he was the inventor of parliamentary trains, and +they are wretchedly slow. + +Show that a simple typographical error was the cause of the defeats +of the poor Austrians (1866). They sent for reserves, and got +reverses. + +Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a +Solon (sole on). + +Why should Columbus be classed among astronomers rather than among +explorers? Because he discovered a whole New World. + +What's the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of +the Middle Ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, the other +used to put a cask (casque) on his head. + +What fruit is like a Guy Fawkes? A fig, for is it not an F I G +(effigy)? + +How is it England and Russia conjointly govern the ocean? Because +England rules the waves, and Russia the serfs. + +What was the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? One +was a WONder, the other a TUdor. + +What Tory do the Whigs want on their side? Vic-tory. + +It went before Queen Mary, it followed King William to the end? The +letter "m." + +Who caught the fossil fishes? The geological fissures (fishers). + +Why was the Shah of Persia, during his visit to England, the best +card-player in the world? Because the swells gave up their clubs; +workmen threw up their spades, and the ladies were within an ace of +losing their hearts, when he came to show his diamonds. + +Why was Martin Luther like a dyspeptic robin? The Diet of Wurms did +not agree with him. + +When was beef-tea introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved +the Pope's bull. + +Why could not Napoleon III insure his life? Because no man living was +able to make out his policy. + +What is the difference between two celebrated Saxon leaders of the +fifth century and two others famous in these days? The former were +Engist and Horsa, the latter are engines and horses. + +What celebrated battle was fought in a dirty slum? The battle of +A-gin-court. + +What did Queen Elizabeth take her pills in? In cider (inside her). + +What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. + +What did they find under the Maine? A horse's neck. + +What ought to be Sir Edwin Landseer's motto? Give a dog a good name +and--hang him. + +Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it +gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old +World and the New? The former was discovered by _Columba_, who +started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa. + +What is the difference between Kossuth and a half-starved countryman? +One is a native of Hungary, the other is a hungry native. + +Who may be said to have had the largest family in America? George +Washington, for he was the father of his country. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +CONUNDRUMS OF THE CIVIL WAR PERIOD + + +Why does our army differ from the army of the Revolution? Because in +one case the army is bound to defend Washington, in the other +Washington was bound to defend the army. + +Why is the Republican Party like a celebrated English ruler of the +seventeenth century, "Oliver Cromwell, the Blacksmith"? Because it +breaks asunder the chains of despotism and adds a link on (A. +Lincoln) to history. + +Why is an owl in the daylight like the President of the United +States? Because he is a-blinkin' (Abe Lincoln). + +Why is one of the new Treasury notes like a young lady's love letter? +Because it is the acknowledgment of a loan made (lone maid) to which +an unusual amount of interest is attached. + +Why is the American Union a puzzle to the most profound astronomers? +Because some of its "stars" have gone, and they cannot predict their +return. + +Why is General McClellan like the Established Church? Because he +governs by Can(n)on Law. + +Why is a diamond in a cup of cold water like the Union? Because it +will not dissolve. + +Why are the shot and shell of the blockading squadron like lovers' +vows? Because they are intended for privateers (private ears). + +Why are American greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the +product of Abraham, and no one knows if they will ever be redeemed. + +Upon what guard do the New York Zouaves most desire to be put? +Beaure-guard. + +Why would the colors of our national ensign make a good dress for +ladies? Because they are colors that won't run. + +Why are our fashionable ladies like a certain class of the city +employees? Because they may be seen by scores on a fair day sweeping +the streets. + +In what relation does the President of the United States stand to +Adam? As second son, because his name is Abe L. (Abel). + +Why is it impossible for the government to grant the request of our +Southern brethren? Because children in arms are never left alone. + +Why, when the rebels smite us upon the right cheek, should we refuse +to turn towards them the left cheek also? Because they have too much +"cheek" already. + +Why is Major General McClellan like Charles Dickens? Because he is +the author of "Great Expectations." + +Why are Jeff Davis's letters of marque like secrets? Because they are +for privateers (private ears). + +Why was Cain an enemy of President Lincoln? Because he hated Abe L. + +Why is our army like an entry clerk? Because it is ready to charge. + +Why is President Lincoln like a mariner on a desolate shore? Because +he looks to Seward (seaward). + +How does the Copyright Law affect the war? It gives us the right to +_enter_, according to act of Congress, all the rebel States. + +Why cannot rebels ever dress well? Because they have proved, by +deserting their flag, that they have no eye for colors. + +Why was the capture of Fort Hatteras like an English nobleman's +mansion? Because there was a Butler engaged in it. + +Why will Americans have more cause to remember the letter S than any +other letter in the alphabet? Because it is the beginning of +secession and the end of Jeff Davis. + +Why should it not be loyal for a Union lady to accept a token of +regard from a lover at the present time? Because it would be +receiving a Beauregard (beau-regard). + +Why is the rebellion like the world? Because it is coming to an end. + +Why has Massachusetts done more towards the war loan than any other +State? Because she has sent even her Banks. + +Why are two lovers pledged to each other like the Federal Army before +Washington? Because they have lately had an engagement and go in +strong for the Union. + +Why is a hen looking into a rotten pumpkin like the Southern +Confederacy? Because she is trying to see seed (secede). + +Why is the city of Washington like a despairing old maid? Because she +has looked long and in vain for a Beauregard. + +What one sentence expresses the wish of both the Southern Confederacy +and the United States government? Let us alone (a loan). + +What route should our army take at the present? The rout of the +enemy. + +Why is a man just knighted like a nutmeg? Because he's grated. + +Why are lamps like the Thames? Because they have lighters. + +Why is a sedan chair like the world? Because it's between two poles. + +What is the most favorable season to have your letters from India? +The season which brings the monsoon. + +How do you know that the Queen approves of the penny postage? Because +she gives her countenance to it. + +Why is the old elm on Boston Common like the ladies of Boston? +Because they are well hooped. + +How long should a lady's crinoline be made? A little over two feet. + +Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not +even passable. + +Why are washerwomen unreasonable? They expect soft water when it +rains hard. + +Why are they the greatest of coquettes? They wring men's ruffled +bosoms. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +GEOGRAPHICAL CONUNDRUMS + + +What would happen if a colored waiter dropped a platter with a turkey +upon it? The humiliation of Africa, the fall of Turkey, the +destruction of China, and the overflowing of Greece. + +What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames--between +Chel-sea and Batter-sea. + +When is the river Thames good for the eyes? When it is high (eye) +water. + +Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In +Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in +England, on the Thames, there are lighter men. + +What city of the world do artists make the most drawings of? Cork. + +What islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly, +Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira. + +Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The +state of matrimony. + +Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a +port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). + +How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to +Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile. + +Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land +(whole island). + +If a man and his wife go to Europe together, what is the difference +in their mode of traveling? He goes abroad, and she goes along. + +Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are +two-tonics (Teutonics). + +What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, +because there Arno boats there. + +Why should we pity the young Esquimaux? Because each one of them is +born to blubber,--and ever to be-wail fishing, and walking with his +snows frozen. + +Why was the country of Phoenicia like an automobile? Because it had a +Tyre on its border. + +Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she +is ever surrounded by Paris-ites. + +What sea would a man like most to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry +attic). + +How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make an Englishman run? +Ten-dons. + +What's the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a +Highlander on a mountain-peak in January? One is kilt with the cold, +and the other cold with the kilt. + +What county of England, if you dislike it extremely, would you run +the chance of being stifled in? If you hate Suffolk, you would, very +naturally, Suffolk-hate when in it (suffocate). + +Two Spaniards went up in a balloon. The balloon burst. What +nationality were they while coming down? The one came down a Russian +(a-rushing); the other caught on a telegraph wire and came down a +Pole. + +When is a tradesman at the seaside, though in London? When he comes +from Dover to _Deal_. + +How many cows' tails would it take to reach from Boston to New York? +One, if it was long enough. + +What is more foolish than sending coals to Newcastle? Sending milk to +Cowes. + +Why is the map of Turkey like a frying-pan? Because it has Greece +(grease) at the bottom. + +Why is the steeple of St. Paul's Church, London, like Ireland? +Because there is a bell fast in it (Belfast). + +What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse-sack +(Cossack). + +Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical +Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not +(Juggernaut). + +Why is a dissipated young man like Berlin, the capital of Germany? +Because he is always on a Spree. + +What nation is it which, when allied to us, becomes the very home of +despair? Tar-tar-us. + +Where ought children who bite their fingers to be sent? To +gnaw-thumb-erland (Northumberland). + +Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman +going up Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of +the crater. + +What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead. + +Why is a Welshman like a beggar? Owing to the Menai Straits through +which he goes. + +For what reason ought a Frenchman who speaks imperfect English and an +Englishman who is equally unacquainted with French never to converse +together? To prevent their using bad language. + +Why is Ireland likely to become rich? Because the capital is always +Dublin (doubling). + +What two letters make a county in Massachusetts? S X (Essex). + +Why is the wick of a candle like Athens? It is in the midst of grease +(Greece). + +Why is China a desirable country for a man to select a wife in? +Because he can make up his mind from pickin' to choose Ann (Pekin to +Chusan). + +What is the difference between the North and South Pole? All the +difference in the world. + +What part of Spain does your cat, sleeping by herself on the +hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone-here (Catalonia). + +Why is Westminster Abbey like a hearth? Because the ashes of the +great (grate) lie there. + +Why are corn and potatoes like Chinese idols? Because they have ears +which cannot hear, and eyes which cannot see. + +Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are railway engines like? +The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes). + +Why may we doubt the existence of the Giants' Causeway? There are so +many sham-rocks in Ireland, this may be one of them. + +What is the difference between a certain part of Africa and the shade +of Hamlet's father stalking in winter? One is the Gold Coast, the +other the cold ghost. + +Why is love like the Erie Canal? It's an internal transport. + +Why is New York City like a flash light? It has a Battery. + +When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray. + +Why is a nabob like a beggar? He is an India gent (indigent). + +Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the sole +(soul) of it. + +What is a man like who is in the middle of the Thames and can't swim? +Like to be drowned. + +Why is the Hudson River like a shoe? Because it is a great place for +tows (toes). + +Why is a pleasure trip to Egypt fit only for very old gentlemen? +Because it is a see-Nile (senile) thing to do. + +What soap is hardest? Cast-steel (Castile). + +Why is the Bank of England like a thrush? Because it often changes +its notes. + +Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United +States. + +Who were the original bog-trotters? The Fen-ians. + +Why is a ship in a stream like a nail? Because it is often driven +into Deal. + +Why is Paris like the letter F? Because it is the capital of France. + +Why is the Brooklyn Bridge like merit? Because it is very often +passed over. + +Why do so many people in China travel on foot? Because there is but +one coach in China (Cochin China). + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +LITERARY CONUNDRUMS + + +What American poet may be considered equal to three-fifths of the +poets ancient and modern? Poe. + +The names of which two Greek poems will you mention on alluding to +their author's peculiar manner and indisposition? Homer's Odd-I-see +and Ill-I-add. + +Why is an unskillful physician like Peleus' son, Achilles? Because +both have "sent many souls to Hades ere their time." + +What injury did the Lavinia of Thomson's "Seasons" do to young +Palemon? She pulled his ears and trod on his corns. + +If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? +Chaw-sir (Chaucer). + +Was it John Byrom who, in comparing two celebrated musicians, said +one was Tweedledum, the other only Tweedledee? If so, state which of +these two names was the more difficult to write. Tweedledum, because +he wrote the other with more e's (ease). + +Why was it a mistake to imagine that Robinson Crusoe's island was +uninhabited? Because the very first thing he saw upon landing was a +great swell a pitchin' into a little "cove" on the shore. + +What prescription is the best for a poet? A composing draught. + +Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because his +tale (tail) comes out of his head. + +Why was Bulwer more likely to get tired of novel-writing than Warren? +Because Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning," Warren only "Now and Then." + +What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if +they could only speak? Eusebius (you see by us). + +Why is a wax candle like Dickens' last work? Because it's a cereal +(serial) work. + +When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden +("Enoch Arden"). + +How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept +his choler (collar) down. + +How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the +earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior. + +What was the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he +could "recite" his poems, but not re-sight himself. + +Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because if the ancient Scandinavians +had their "Skalds," we have also had our Burns. + +What English poet does a mummy resemble? Dryden (dried-'un). + +What lady of the Dante family is most often spoken of? Ann-dante. + +Why are baldheaded men in danger of dying? Because "Death loves a +shining mark." + +What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? "The Bridge of +Sighs" (the bridge of size). + +Why was Dickens a greater writer than Shakespeare? Shakespeare wrote +well, but Dickens wrote Weller. + +What proof have we that Cowper was in debt? He "oh'd for a lodge in +some vast wilderness." + +Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?" +Because he thought he was a good feller (fellow). + +Why are the relics of the departed like a man whose pocket has been +robbed and the thief escaped? Because they have both felt "the touch +of a vanished hand." + +When is a pie like a poet? When it's Browning. + +What best describes and most impedes a Pilgrim's Progress? Bunyan +(bunion). + +Why are Addison's works like a looking-glass? Because in them we see +the "Spectator." + +Was Othello thinking of his wife when he killed her? No, 's mother. + +What toe would you rather kiss than the Pope's? Mrs. Beecher S-towe. + +Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The +wind,--"Over the Hills and Far Away." + +Who wrote most, Dickens or Bulwer? Dickens. He wrote "All the Year +Round," while Bulwer wrote "Night and Morning." + +What countryman was Burns? A Scorchman. + +What change of identity did the "Beggar's Opera" effect? It made Gay +rich, and Rich gay. + +When was the greatest destruction of poultry? When King Claudius of +Denmark "did murder most foul." + +Why are the abbreviations of degrees tacked on to a man's name? To +show that he is a man of letters. + +"Why," asked Moore, the poet, "is love like a potato?" Because it +shoots from the eyes, "and," added Byron, "gets less by pairing." + +If Falstaff had been musical what instrument would he have chosen +after dinner? The sackbut. + +Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no +man has furnished so many stock quotations. + +Why is a statistician like a writer of one of the Six Best Sellers? +Because he is the author of well-figured fiction. + +Why are Parliamentary reports called "Blue Books?" Because they are +never re(a)d. + +Why is an architect like a newspaper writer? Because he gets so much +"per column" for his work. + +Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common +tatur (commentator). + +Is there any bird which can recite the "Lays of Ancient Rome?" Yes, +certainly, Macaw-lays. + +Why cannot the Irish perform the play of "Hamlet?" Because they +cannot help making "Aphalia" (a failure) of the heroine. + +What was Othello's occupation in Venice? That of a lawyer, because he +was attorney-general (a tawny general). + +If you took off your boot and put your foot in the fire, what opera +of Verdi's would it instantly make you? Rigoletto (wriggle-a-toe). + +Why are unsuccessful contestants for a prize like Shakespeare? +Because they have made "Much Ado About Nothing." + +What is the difference between living "in marble halls" and aboard +ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in +the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side. + +Why is it quite reasonable that Dickens' later plots should be +complicated? Because one of his earlier works was all of a twist +(Oliver Twist). + +Why have the inhabitants of the city of Boston less need of foreign +bards than those of any other city? Because they can always find +poetry in their own "Holmes." + +Why is a competent lawyer like a bloodstone set in jet? Because he is +deep read (red) in Blackstone. + + +NAMES OF AUTHORS + +A slang expression. Dickens. + +A brighter and a smarter one. Whittier. + +Put a grain 'twixt an ant and a bee, and a well-beloved poet you'll +see. Bryant. + +It comes from a pig. Bacon. + +II. Mark Twain. + +A ten-footer whose name begins with fifty. Longfellow. + +Part of a lady's wearing apparel used long ago. Spencer. + +What is an oyster heap likely to become? Shelley. + +It is worn on the head. Hood. + +A worker in precious metals. Goldsmith. + +What is the value of a word? Wordsworth. + +A domestic animal. Lamb. + +He mends and repairs. Cooper. + +Many people would like to kiss him. Pope. + +It pertains to a monastery. Abbott. + +A domestic servant. Cook. + +Which is the better playwright, William Shakespeare or Brinsley +Sheridan? Willis. + +Part of a fish. Finley. + +What the children delight in at the seashore. Sands. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +CONUNDRUMS ON THE ALPHABET + + +What word is it of only three syllables which combines in it +twenty-six letters? Alphabet. + +Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of +letters? Disproportionableness. + +What is the best bet ever made? The alphabet. + +When were there only two vowels? In the days of No-a, before U and I +were born. + +When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U +and I are one. + +Why is U the gayest letter in the alphabet? Because it is always in +fun. + +Why is T the happiest letter in the alphabet? Because it is next to +you. + +Which are the two hottest letters in the alphabet? K N (cayenne). + +Why is O the most charitable letter in the alphabet? Because it is +found oftener than any other letter d-o-ing g-oo-d. + +Why is the letter T like matrimony? It is the end of quiet and the +beginning of trouble. + +Why is a farmer surprised at the letter G? It converts oats into +goats. + +When was B the first letter of the alphabet? In the days of No-a. + +What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. + +Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a "B" follows it. + +Why is the letter W like a scandal? Because it makes ill will. + +Why are two t's like hops? Because they make beer better. + +Spell enemy in three letters. No, not N M E; it's F O E. + +Spell auburn locks in two letters. S and Y. + +Spell brandy in three letters. B R and Y, and O D V. + +What must you add to nine to make it six? S, for IX with S is six. + +If you asked the alphabet to come to dinner, which letters could not +accept your kind invitation till later in the evening? The last six, +as they couldn't come till after T. + +How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything +that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n. + +What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a +thousand years? The letter M. + +Why is A like twelve o'clock? Because it's the middle of day. + +Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first +in pity, he is ever last in help. + +Why is the letter P like a Roman emperor? Because it's near O (Nero). + +Why is a fish-hook like the letter F? Because it will make an eel +feel. + +What letter is that which is invisible, but never out of sight? I. + +How would you express in two letters that you were twice the bulk of +your companion? I W (I double you). + +What two Christian names read the same both ways? Hannah and Anna. + +Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first U in cucumber? Because it's +between two seas (c's). + +What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? +Oroonoko. + +Why is O the noisiest of all vowels? Because you cannot make a horrid +loud noise without it, whilst all the others are inAUdIblE. + +What word contains the five vowels in their order? Facetious. + +Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the center +of bliss, whilst E is in hEll, and all the others are in pUrgAtOry. + +What must all the letters of the alphabet be in order to possess +infinite sagacity? Wise (y's). + +Y y u r y y u b i c u r y y for me. Too wise you are, two wise you +be; I see you are too wise for me. + +What are those things, which, though they appear twice in every day, +and twice in every week, yet are only seen twice in a year? Vowels. + +What letter in the alphabet is necessary to make a shoe? The last. + +What word of six letters admits of five successive elisions, +leaving at each abbreviation a well-known word? +Brandy--brand--bran--ran--an--a. + +Name two English words, one of which, being of one syllable only, +shall contain more letters than the other of five syllables? +Strength--Ideality. + +Why is a glass-blower the most likely person to set the alphabet off +at a gallop? Because he can make a D-canter. + +What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without +transposing a letter? Herein--he--her--here--ere--rein--in. + +Is there a word in the English language which contains all the +vowels? Yes, unquestionably. + +Why is quizzing like the letter D on horseback? It is deriding (D +riding). + +When did "Chicago" begin with a "C" and end with an "e"? Chicago +always began with a "C" and end always began with an "e." + +There is an English word of more than two letters, of which la is the +middle, is the beginning, and is the end, though there is but one "a" +and one "l" in the word. What is it? Island, of which "la" is the +middle, "is" the beginning, "and" is the end. + +What word is there of five letters, that, by taking two away, leaves +but one? Stone. + +What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a +word of two syllables? Plague; ague. + +Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though +never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits. + +Why are the fourteenth and fifteenth letters of the alphabet of more +importance than the others? Because we cannot get ON well without +them. + +Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad. + +What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n. + +Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis). + +What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? XPDNC +(expediency). + +What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? +Synonymous (Sin on a mouse). + +Why is an island like the letter T? Because it is in the midst of +water (wa-t-er). + +Like what four letters of the alphabet is a honey-producing insect +when in small health? Like A B C D (a bee seedy). + +Why is the letter S like a sewing-machine? Because it makes needles +needless. + +Why is an uncomfortable seat like comfort? Because it is devoid of +e's (ease). + +What two letters do boys delight in to the annoyance of their elders? +Two t's (to tease). + +What single word would you put down for $40 borrowed from you? XL +lent (excellent). + +What letter is the pleasantest to a deaf woman? A, because it makes +her hear. + +What word is it, which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own +opposite? United, untied. + +Why should the male sex avoid the letter A? Because it makes men +mean. + +Why is a schoolmistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses +into classes. + +Why is the letter W like a maid of honor? Because it is always in +waiting. + +Spell an interrogation with one letter. Y (why?). + +Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both +in earth and water. + +Why is the nose on your face like the v in civility? Because it's +between two eyes (i's). + +Take away one letter from me, and like Macbeth I murder; take away +two, and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me. +Kill-ill-skill. + +There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five +letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be +conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the +whole word shows what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine. + +What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? +A Dutch-S. + +Why is the letter D like a hoop of gold? Because we can't be wed +without it. + +Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it is the end of pork. + +How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G, pig without an I. + +Why is a horse like the letter O? Because Gee makes it Go. + +Why is the figure 9 like a peacock? It is nothing without its tail. + +When is the letter L like a piece of unparalleled generosity? When it +enables a lady to make over a lover. + +Why is the letter F like a cow's tail? It is the end of beef. + +Describe a suit of old clothes in two letters? C D (seedy). + +Make five less by adding to it. V, IV. + +Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends +in sauciness. + +What small animal is turned into a larger one by beheading it? +Fox--ox. + +Why are sidewalks in winter like music? If you don't C sharp, you +will B flat. + +Why is a pensive widow like the letter X? Because she's never +inconsolable. + +What two letters express the most agreeable people in the world? U +and I. + +How does the letter Y work an impossibility? It makes a lad into a +lady. + +Tie a cross to a monkey and the animal will be transposed into a +point. Add X to ape, and you obtain apex. + +Why is the letter N like a pig? Because it makes a sty nasty. + +Why is it that I cannot spell Cupid? When I get to C U (see you) I +forget everything else. + +Why is the letter B like a fire? Because it makes oil boil. + +Why is the letter R a profitable letter? Because it makes ice into +rice. + +Why is the letter T like Easter? Because it's the last of Lent. + +When does a blacksmith make a row in the alphabet? When he makes a +poke-R and shove-L. + +What did the old woman say when she looked into the empty flour +barrel? O I C U R M T. + +Why did Noah object to the letter D? Because it made the ark dark. + +Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s in both. + +What are the worst letters of recommendation? I O U. + +Why is the letter D like a sailor? It follows the C (sea). + +If I were in the sun and you out of it, what would the sun become? +Sin. + +I am neither flesh, fish, nor fowl, yet I frequently stand upon one +leg; if you behead me I stand upon two; if you again decapitate me I +stand upon four. I shall think you are related to me if you do not +now recognize me. Glass--lass--ass. + + Three letters three rivers proclaim. Ex, Wye, Dee. + Three letters an ode give to fame. L E G (elegy). + Three letters an attribute name. N R G (energy). + Three letters a compliment claim. U X L (You excel). + + The beginning of eternity, + The end of time and space, + The beginning of every end, + The end of every race. Letter E. + + One letter's a tree? U (yew). + One means to agree? A (aye). + One is to drink? T (tea). + One a bird, think? J (jay). + + Now of letters that rhyme + You must guess them in time; + One is an insect busy all day? B (bee). + One is a river that wends on its way? D (Dee). + One is a slang word it is best not to say? G (Gee). + These two letters are not at all hard? E Z (easy). + These letters form a literary composition? S A (essay). + These letters will decompose? D K (decay). + These letters form a material to wear? P K (pique). + These letters do the best of all? X L (excel). + These letters form a tree? L M (elm). + The meaning of these letters is not full? M T (empty). + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +GENERAL CONUNDRUMS + + +Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? Because it is first cradled, +then threshed, and afterward becomes the flower of the family. + +What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have +pistils. + +What is the worst thing to catch afire? Nothing. + +Why is a man who has parted from his bed like one obliged to keep it? +He is bedridden. + +What is the oldest coupler in use? The wedding ring. + +Why are hot rolls like caterpillars? Because they make the butterfly. + +What is the difference between a mouse and a young lady? The one +harms the cheese, the other charms the "he's." + +When is a man thinner than a lath? When he is a-shaving. + +Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is +surrounded by felloes (fellows). + +Of what religious persuasion is the sea? A Quaker--for it has a broad +brim. + +Though I dance at a ball, yet am I nothing at all. A shadow. + +What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. + +When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board. + +What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper? +One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch. + +Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse. + +What sort of tune do we all enjoy most? For-tune, made up of +bank-notes. + +Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a +filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters +behind to settle. + +Why is English grammar like gout? Because it's torture (taught yer). + +Why is an office with no work to do like a good dinner eaten by an +invalid? Because it's a sign-o'-cure (sinecure). + +Why is a shoeblack like an editor? Because he polishes the +understandings of his patrons. + +Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of entering a +room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling). + +Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they +are always for-getting everything. + +What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, +one bringing the other, but which if we do get them, the one bringing +the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune. + +When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head. + +Why is a joint company not like a watch? Because it does not go after +it is wound up. + +When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped +up in himself. + +What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and +chops about. + +Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a +living. + +Why do British soldiers never run away? Because they belong to the +standing army. + +What part of a car resembles a person? The wheel, because it is +tired. + +On which side of a pitcher is the handle? The outside. + +When may a chair be said to dislike you? When it can't bear you. + +What is that which divides by uniting and unites by dividing? The +scissors. + +Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their +existence is only in-fancy. + +Why is a proud girl like a music book? She is full of airs. + +Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not at all black +(not a tall black). + +Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they +make a noise whenever they are told (tolled). + +Why is the most discontented man the most easily satisfied? Nothing +satisfies him. + +Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? They ought to be +taken up. + +Why is it unjust to blame cabmen for cheating us? We call them to +take us in. + +Why are weary people like carriage wheels? Because they are tired. + +Why does a tall man eat less than a short man? Because he makes a +little go a long way. + +What is the dryest subject? The mummy. + +When are candles and women most alike? When sputtering. + +Why are confectioners so much sought for? Because they serve kisses. + +How many sides has a pitcher? Two, inside and outside. + +What is wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off. + +What is the difference between an honest and dishonest laundress? One +irons your linen, the other steals it. + +When is a policeman very like a rainbeau? When he appears after the +storm is over. + +Where are we most likely to find the sky blue? The nearer we go to +the Milky Way. + +What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? +One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold. + +Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from +it. + +Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because +it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue. + +Why is a shoemaker like a true lover? Because he's faithful to the +last. + +What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon? One is +made up of a lot of little cells, the other is one enormous sell +only. + +Why is the crabbed old bachelor who made the above conundrum like a +harp struck by lightning? Because he is a blasted lyre. + +When is truth not truth any longer? When it lies at the bottom of a +well. + +What should a clergyman preach about? About a quarter of an hour. + +When is a man's pastor really and truly his brother? When he's his +pa's son (parson). + +What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he +is--the bigger the better? Skin him. + +Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other +goes. + +When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) the +woods--and plains. + +Which one of a carpenter's tools is coffee like? An axe with a dull +edge, because it must be ground before it can be used. + +Why is it vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of +flash language. + +Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by +every post. + +What is the difference between a correspondent and a corespondent? +One is a man who does write (right), and the other a man who does +wrong. + +What kind of servants are best for hotels? The inn-experienced. + +What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one. + +Why are sugar-plums like racehorses? Because the more you lick them +the faster they go. + +Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on +his stomach. + +When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance +of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it. + +When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when +folded. + +What key in music will make a good officer? A Sharp Major. + +What is the key-note to good manners? B Natural. + +In what key should a declaration of love be made? Be mine, ah! (B +Minor). + +Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they +are so accustomed to keep their noses above water. + +What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A +pigs-tye, of course. + +Why is a flirt like an india-rubber ball? Because she's empty, yet +full of bounce. + +When is a butcher a thorough thief? When he steals a knife and cuts +away with it. + +Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because +it's past-your-age (pasturage). + +If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where should he go to supply the +deficiency? To a grog shop, because there bad spirits are retailed. + +What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence. + +Why is an abstract of a lecture like a sentimental boy and girl +kissing? Because it's a syllabus (silly buss). + +Why is a pictorial riddle like a second kiss? Because it's a rebus +(re-buss). + +Why is the latest thing in a fashionable gown like the South African +bushman's club? Because it's "perfectly stunning." + +Why is a department store like a country sewing circle? Because it +has so many notions. + +Why is a music teacher like a baseball coach? Because he frequently +says, "Try that last run over again." + +What is the difference between a bright scholar and shoe polish? One +shines at the head, the other at the foot. + +What is a better investment the worse it is? A tenement. + +When does a musician fail? When he is unable to discount his notes. + +Why is a jeweler like a prisoner in solitary confinement? Because he +has too much time on his hands. + +When is a doctor like a cross-tempered man? When he is losing his +patients. + +Under what circumstances are a builder and a newspaper reporter +equally likely to fail? When they make up stories without +foundations. + +Why is a hack-horse a miserable creature? Because his mind is always +on the rack, and his only consolation is woe (whoa!). + +Why is a good joke like the modern ballot box? Because it is the +greatest repeater known to history. + +Why is a dressmaker braver than an actor? Because she is not afraid +of the hook. + +Why is the aspiring poet about to approach an editor with his verses +like a consumptive? Because he's going into a decline. + +Why is turkey a fashionable bird? Because he always appears well +dressed. + +Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are +wicked, and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only +made light of. + +How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast. + +Why is matrimony like an invested city? Because when we are out of it +we wish to be in it, and when we are in it we wish to be out of it. + +Why is a person of short stature like an almanac? Because he is often +looked over or over-looked. + +Why is a certain kind of coach like the exclusive option on a +certain girl's kisses? Because it's an omnibus. + +Why are seasick excursionists like a strong opposition in Congress? +Because they are opposed to the motion. + +Why is the aeronaut whose airship plows into the earth like a +successful speculator? Because he has taken a flier in real estate. + +Why are airship inventors like musicians? Because they bend all their +energies to the conquest of the air. + +Why are the speeches of an orator heard through a phonograph like the +State House dome? Because they are hollow but illuminating. + +Why is a discredited politician like an unpopular dentist? Because +each has lost his pull. + +Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate. + +Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and +puff. + +Why is the Fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy it +without crackers. + +Why ought women to be employed in a post-office? Because they know +how to manage the mails (males). + +Why do the recriminations of married couples resemble the sound of +waves on the shore? Because they are murmurs of the tied (tide). + +What have you now before you which would give you a company, a veiled +lady, and a noisy toy? Co-nun-drum. + +Why is a mother rocking her child to sleep liable to arrest? Because +she is engaged in a kid-napping project. + +What is the cheapest candy? Horehound, because the advertisements of +it read constantly, "Horehound drops 10 cents a lb." + +Why does a rich lady act prudently by marrying a penniless man? +Because she husbands her resources. + +Why should a straw hat never be raised to a lady? Because, no matter +how much you raise it, or how much she appreciates it, it is never +felt. + +When is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled. + +Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the +existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth. + +Why is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done +with the pen. + +Why are good intentions like fainting ladies? Because all they want +is carrying out. + +What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet +done? Stop a minute. + +Why can't a thief easily steal a watch? Because he must take it off +its guard. + +Why is a treadmill run by convicts like a true convert? Because its +turning is the result of conviction. + +Why is the rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by +conducting it with good spirits, he has more bar-gains than most +others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid. + +Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it +out. + +What is that which a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance +to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox. + +Why is a bad gimlet like a prophesier of ill events? Because it is an +auger-ill. + +What is the strongest day? Sunday, because all of the others are +"week" days. + +What is the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the +moment. + +Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an +airy-naught (aeronaut). + +Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because +everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody. + +Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware. + +Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs. + +If a man attempts to jump a ditch and falls, why is he likely to miss +the beauties of summer? Because the fall follows right after the +spring, unless he makes a summerset between them. + +What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel +plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a +cruise? She weighs anchor. + +Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the close +(clothes) of the week. + +When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it is a bad one. + +Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings +his own (k)nell. + +What is it which covers a multitude of sin(ner)s? The gravestone. + +Why is a vessel being blown out to sea like a bankrupt householder? +Because both submit to a forced sail. + +Why is a rooster on a fence like a penny? Because his head's on one +side and tail's on the other. + +What is the military definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. + +Why are washerwomen foolish people? Because they put out their tubs +to catch soft water when it rains hard. + +What is smaller than a mite's mouth? What goes into it. + +Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches +the age of discretion. + +Why is a man hanged better than a vagabond? Because he has a visible +means of support. + +What is the difference between photography and whooping-cough? The +one makes facsimiles, the other sick families. + +Why is a dog like a man four feet ten inches tall? Because he stands +over four feet. + +Why does the mayor order the saloons closed after a great fire? That +the people may not try to drown their losses. + +What is it which more people lie under than upon? The gravestone. + +What is it that opens to all comers, advertises only the doctors, and +yet is good for everything that ails you? The grave. + +Why is a bride, weary of her apartment home, like a wrecked +automobile? They've both got flat tire. + +Why is a gardener like a detective-story writer? Because he works up +his plot. + +Why is a widower in love again like a good gardener? Because he +immediately removes his weeds. + +Why can the weight of an illuminating argument never be accurately +determined? Because as the hearer weighs the words the scales fall +from his eyes. + +How does the surgeon, whose bill for an operation has been delayed by +executors, resemble his deceased patient? He feels terribly cut up. + +How does the cavalryman whose horse has thrown him differ from the +faithful orderly? He obeys orders from hind quarters, while the +orderly obeys orders from headquarters. + +What is the best place to sow wild oats? Near a bank. + +Why is a conductor on a car like a firefly? Because he can make you +a-light. + +Why is an automobilist who exceeds the speed limit like a social +reprobate? Because he's too fast. + +Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a +matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section. + +What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it +has a mile between its first and last letters. + +Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of +feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound +troy. + +What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an +impression. + +Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and +twice eleven is twenty-two (too). + +Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better +than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated. + +That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which +every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice. + +When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes. + +When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms. + +What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp +lighter. + +Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles +in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much. + +When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a +just judge? Because you hear both sides. + +What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and +sentimentally the untied. + +Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be +prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a +will. + +How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres. + +Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's +been operated on. + +Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the +washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye. + +Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman? Because he's +up and coming. + +Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups +and downs. + +What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row. + +What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more +gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates. + +Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because +everybody's crazy about him. + +Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are +promissory notes. + +When are words musical? When they have a ring to them. + +When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking. + +Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Because +of the frequency of whirlwinds there. + +Why is an astronomer like a theatrical manager? Because he's always +looking for new stars. + +Why is an airship bequeathed you by your father like the portrait of +an ancestor? Because it is a family heirloom. + +When is a lady's arm not a lady's arm? When it is a little bare. + +When is a fish above its station? When it rises and takes a fly. + +When is a boy not a boy? When he is a regular brick. + +When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. + +When is a skein of thread like the root of an oak? When it is full of +knots. + +What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never +sleeps in it? A river. + +Why should you never have a tailor who does not understand his trade? +Because you would get bad habits from him. + +What is the difference between a sailor and a soldier? One tars his +ropes, the other pitches his tent. + +Which is the ugliest hood ever worn? Falsehood. + +What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste. + +Why are cobblers like a famous physician? They are skilled in the +art of healing (heeling). + +What pen ought never to be used for writing? A sheep pen. + +When is a subject beneath one's notice? When it is under +consideration. + +Why is a loyal gentleman like a miser? He knows the value of his +sovereign. + +When is a bill not a bill? When it is dew. + +What is the proper newspaper for invalids? The Weekly News. + +When is a pint of milk not a pint? When it's condensed. + +What tune makes everybody glad? Fortune. + +What is it that has four legs and only one foot? A bedstead. + +Why is attar of roses never moved without orders? Because it is sent +wherever it goes. + +What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper. + +What precious stone is like the entrance to a field? A-gate. + +When is a man like frozen rain? When he is hale (hail). + +Which of the stars should be subject to the game laws? Shooting +stars. + +What garden crop would save draining? Leeks. + +When does a cook break the game laws? When she poaches eggs. + +When is a river like a young lady? When it is crossed. + +Why is a carpenter like a languid dandy? Because he often feels a +great deal bored. + +When does a donkey weigh least? When he is within the pound. + +What is the last blow a defeated ship gives in battle? Striking her +own flag. + +What had better be done when there is a great rent on a farm? It had +better be sewn (sown). + +Why should onions be planted near the potatoes in a garden? So that +the onions may have a tear-producing effect upon the eyes of the +potatoes and make them self-irrigating. + +Why may not the proprietor of a forest fell his own timber? Because +no one is allowed to cut when it is his own deal. + +What is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The +multiplication table. + +Which is the greatest number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen? +Six dozen dozen, of course. + +What is that which, the more you take from it, the larger it grows? A +hole. + +If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? +A bee-attitude. + +Why is a blockhead deserving of promotion? Because he is equal to any +post. + +Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw Windsor +Castle all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if +necessary. + +Why is money often moist? Because it is frequently dew in the +morning, and mist at night. + +Why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one +side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time. + +And what do they do when they die? Lie still. + +When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance. + +What proverb must a lawyer _not_ act up to? He must not take the will +for the deed. + +Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes +it hollow. + +When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. + +What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. + +Why is a straw hat like kissing through the telephone? Because +neither is felt. + +Why is your shadow like a false friend? Because it only follows you +in sunshine. + +Why is your nose in the middle of your face? Because it is the +scenter. + +If a woman asks her blind lover the color of a flower, what would he +say? "I have no i-dea." + +When are lawyers circumstances? When they alter cases. + +Why is a dog's tail like an expressman? It keeps a-waggin'. + +Why are chickens liberal? They give a _peck_ when they take a +_grain_. + +What animals are in the clouds? Rain-deer. + +Why is a young lawyer in his office like one of his chickens roosting +on his neighbor's fence? He has no business there. + +What is the difference between perseverance and obstinacy? One arises +from a strong _will_, the other from a strong _won't_. + +In what color should friendship be kept? In violet. + +What is the noblest musical instrument? An upright piano. What the +vilest? A lyre. + +How do seamstresses resemble rascals? They cut and run. + +Why is a Bostonian's brain like a book of conundrums? Because it is +full of notions. + +Why is a fortunate man like a straw in the water? Because he goes on +swimmingly. + +Why is the man who falls in the kennel approved of? Because he's +add-mir'd. + +Why is an organ an enemy to religion? Because it stands against the +communion. + +Why are sharpers like sparrows? Because they feather their nests. + +Why is a looking-glass very complaisant? Because it always does as +the company does. + +Why is a newspaper like a lame man? Because it generally lies. + +Why is a staircase like a back-biter? Because its rail's against you. + +Why is a high wind like a dumb man in distress? Because it makes +moving signs. + +Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals? They _gambol_ all their +youth, live by the turf, the best of them are blacklegs, and they get +fleeced at last. + +Why is a bald-headed man like a hunting dog? He makes a little _hare_ +go a great way. + +Why is a horse that is constantly rid, though never fed, never +starved? Because he's never without a bit. + +Why is a sleepy servant like a warming pan? Because he's in bed +before his master. + +Why is a rich farmer like a man with bad teeth? Because he has a good +many achers. + +Why is an apple like a good song? Because it is encored. + +Why is an eyelid like the wadding to a gun? Because it covers the +ball. + +Why is a smith like a ferryman? Because his business is to work ore. + +Why is a garter like the gates of a slaughter house? Because it holds +the stock in (stocking). + +Why is a holly bush like a corpse? Because it is or will be berry'd. + +Why is an apron like peas? Because it is gathered. + +Why, when a very fat man gets squeezed coming out of the opera, does +it make him complimentary to the ladies? Because the pressure makes +him flatter. + +Why are a couple of first-rate breech-loaders like two beautiful +young ladies? Because they're pair-o'-guns (paragons). + +Why is a woman's beauty like a gold coin? Because when once changed +it soon goes. + +What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme. + +When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast. + +Why is a lover's heart like a whale? Because it's a secreter (sea +creatur') of great sighs (size). + +How many wives are you allowed by the Prayer-book? Sixteen, viz.: +Fo(u)r better, fo(u)r worser, fo(u)r richer, fo(u)r poorer; total, +sixteen. + +Why is paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. + +Why can Satan never be uncivil? Because the Imp o' Darkness can never +be Imp o' Light. + +Who is the man who carries everything before him? The footman. + +Why is a pen manufacturer a corrupt man? Because he makes people +steal (steel) pens and tells them they do write (right). + +What is the greatest eye-sore in a farmyard? A pig-sty. + +What is better than God, worse than the devil, what the dead live on, +and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing. + +Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from +going too far. + +Whence proceeds the eloquence of a lawyer? From his mouth. + +At what time by the clock is a pun the most effective? When it +strikes one. + +Why is a dead hen better than a live one? Because she will lay +wherever you put her. + +Why is a true and faithful friend like a garden seed? Because you +never know the value of either until they are put under ground. + +What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? They will give you +many good points. + +What kind of a cat do we generally find in a large library? A +catalogue. + +Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails +(males) are tied up in bags. + +What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand +affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a +swell affair. + +Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur). + +What is that thing which we all eat and drink, although it is often +a man and often a woman? A toast. + +How do eggs show their anger on being called Heggs? By becoming +eggs-aspirated (exasperated). + +On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside. + +Why is a man whose "heart is in his mouth" through fright, like a +cabbage? Because his heart's in his head. + +Why is a shoemaker more charitable than another man? Because he is +ready to give any man a lift. + +Why is a picture like a fine woman? Because it's framed to please. + +Why is a cunning man like a shoemaker? Because he'll pump you. + +Why is a fiddle-maker like an apothecary? Because he'll send you a +vial in. + +Why would a pelican make a good lawyer? He knows how to stretch his +bill. + +When is a man incapable of performing a bare-faced action? When he +wears a heavy beard and a mustache. + +Why is a thief like a philosopher? Because he is given to fits of +abstraction. + +Why is it illegal for a man to possess a short walking stick? Because +it can never be-long to him. + +Why is a person who asks questions the strangest of all individuals? +Because he is the querist. + +What is that which travels about, goes much up and down, and wears +shoes, but never had any shoes? A football. + +Why are the pages of a book like the days of a man? Because they are +numbered. + +What word makes you sick if you leave out one of its letters? Music. + +Why is a race at a circus like a big conflagration? Because the heat +is in tents (intense). + +Which is the left side of a plum pudding? The part that is not eaten. + +Why is a man who runs in debt like a clock? He runs on tick. + +Why is a bee-hive like a spectator? Because it is a bee-holder +(beholder). + +Why are fixed stars like pen, ink, and paper? Because they are +stationary (stationery). + +Why is a cook like a barber? He dresses hare (hair). + +Why is a waiter like a race-horse? He often runs for a plate or a +cup. + +Why is a good story like a church bell? Because it is often tolled +(told). + +What is the weight of the moon? Four quarters. + +How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears +an entire costume; the other simply pants. + +What is the difference between a new sponge and a fashionable man? If +you well wet one it makes it swell, but if you well wet the other it +takes all the swell out of him. + +If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be +reminded of? A pair (pear). + +Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and +destroy patience (mutilate and destroy patients). + +When may you be said literally to "drink in" music? When you have a +piano for-tea (forte). + +What is the difference between a professional pianoforte player, and +the one who hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his +play. + +Why is a thief like a bolus given to a lady? Because he's a pilferer +(pill for her). + +Why is a dead doctor like a dead duck? Because they have both done +quacking. + +Why is a commercial traveler whose "walk in life" is selling eggs, +certain to be successful? Because he shows a good egg-sample from +egg-sell-ent motives (example from excellent motives). + +Why is an egg overdone like an egg underdone? Because it's hardly +done. + +What is most like a hen stealing? Why, a cock-robin. + +Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their +next world in this (necks twirled). + +By what female name would an egg object to be called? Addle-laid +(Adelaide). + +Why ought cocks to be the smoothest birds known? Because they always +have a comb about them. + +Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. + +What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, +the other tidy. + +Why is geology considered a deep science? Because it penetrates deep +into the earth. + +Why was our last question like a young lady sitting on theological +works? Because it was virgin on something serious. + +When you see a lady in distress, what should you pull up, and what +bury? You should pluck up courage and inter-fear (interfere) in her +behalf. + +What is the difference between a good and a bad governess? One +teaches Miss, the other misteaches. + +When may a man be said to be literally immersed in his business? When +giving a swimming lesson. + +What prevents a running river running right away? It is tied up. + +What sort of a cold is necessary to insure your getting on well at +Court? Influence-sir. + +Why is a man taking a hedge at a single bound like one snoring? +Because he does it in his-leap (his sleep). + +Why are ladies like hinges? Because they are things to a door +(adore). + +What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? +The doorknocker. + +Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it is always +wood (would)--or should be. + +Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall. + +When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy +for a pupil. + +How do angry women prove themselves strong nerved? They exhibit their +"presents of mind" by giving you a bit of it. + +What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy. + +What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous and +civilized and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form. + +Why is a comet more like a dog than the dog-star? Because it has a +tail and the dog-star hasn't. + +Why is a watch-dog bigger by night than in the morning? Because he is +let out at night and taken in in the morning. + +Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he +makes both ends meet. + +When is a black dog not a black dog? When he is a grey-hound. + +Why should you always choose white cows? Because it is no use milking +those that are dun before you begin. + +Why are two watches given as prizes like a happy married couple? +Because though they are two, yet are they one (won). + +Why is a human being like an earthen jug? Because both are made of +clay. + +Why is a man with corns on his feet like a certain favorite +vegetable? Because he is a toe-martyr (tomato). + +Why is a bald head like heaven? Because there is no parting or dyeing +there. + +Why is the meeting of lovers like a battle? Because there is an arm-y +presentation. + +Why is a young man who seldom attends church, sitting in the pulpit +of a leaky church in a rain storm, like one who constantly attends +church? Because he is sitting under the droppings of the sanctuary. + +If a general should ask in vain for martial music, what word would +embody his request? Conundrum (can none drum?). + +Why is a fancy dancer like an old-fashioned country woman? Because +she reels and spins. + +In what constellation are the two shooting dogs which never go down? +In Ursa Major, the pointers; they never go down because they are not +setters. + +What bird made the Yankee dish, bird's-nest pudding, and for what +other bird was it made? Why, it was the cook who (cuckoo) made it, +and for the swallow, of course. + +Why are some ministers worse than Brigham Young? Because they have +married more women than they can support, and would like to marry +more. + +In what respect does an attorney resemble a clergyman? He studies the +law and profits (prophets). + +What is the best way to raise strawberries? With a spoon. + +Why is a man upstairs beating his wife an honorable man? Because he +is _above_ doing a mean action. + +"Why," asks a disconsolate widow, "is venison like my late and +never-sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband?" Because it is the dear +(deer) departed. + +What consolation has the homely girl? She will be a _pretty_ old one +if she lives long enough. + +What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It is a vain (vane) +thing to a-spire." + +What is that which if you take away all the letters remains the same? +The postman. + +Why is a correct knowledge of grammar indispensable to young +clergymen? Because it leads to a(c)curacy. + +Why is an extremely religious Roman Catholic lady only a very +virtuous goose? Because she is so faithful to her proper gander +(propaganda). + +Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually +selling that which he kneads himself. + +Why is a good husband like dough? Because a woman needs him. + +Why is it that the sun always rises in the East? Because the (y)east +makes everything rise. + +What is a very frequent mistake clergymen make in their sermons? +Their being too long. + +What is that if you take the whole away some remains? Whole-some. + +Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because +when purchased it goes to the cellar (seller). + +What is the difference between a baby and a shipwrecked sailor? One +clings to its ma, and the other to his (s)par. + +Why is a lance like the moon? Both are the glory of the knight. + +When can you carry water in a sieve? When it is ice. + +Why is a lame dog like the side of a mountain? It is a slow pup. + +What is larger than a nutmeg? A nutmeg-grater. + +When is it easiest to read? In the autumn when Nature turns the +leaves. + +Why do women seek husbands named William? That they may have a _Will_ +of their own. + +Why is a steamboat a good place to sleep in? It leaves a-wake behind. + +Who are the best astronomers? The stars, for they have studded the +heavens for centuries. + +What is it that goes up and down hill, but never moves? The road. + +What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and a fountain? +One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. + +Why is a negro woman like a doorway? Because she's a negress. + +How does a sailor know there's a man in the moon? Because he has been +to sea. Why didn't he stay there? Because he found it was full. + +Why are you most likely to miss the 12:50 train? It is ten to one if +you catch it. + +Why should alchemists and astrologers be females? They are often Ann +Elizas and Charlotte Anns from birth. + +How does Patrick propose to get over his single blessedness? By +proposing to Bridge-it. + +Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it requires two heads and an +application. + +Why should a man named Benjamin marry a girl named Annie? Because he +would then be Bennie-fitted, and she Annie-mated. + +State why a donkey browsing in a bed of thistles appears ill. Because +he's a little down in the mouth, and looks rather seedy about the +face. + +Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly +squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass. + +When is a teapot like a kitten? When you're teasin' it (your tea's in +it). + +Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss (purpose). + +When is a fruit-stalk like a strong swimmer? When it stems the +currants. + +Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it's meant to keep the +chaps off. + +Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they +keep the sparks off. + +In what condition is a beer-barrel when it resembles old-fashioned +curtains? When it's tap is dry (tapestry). + +Why can the pall-bearers at a young lady's funeral never be dry? +Because they have a gall on a bier between them. + +What is the best day for making pancakes? Fry-day. + +Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both +occasioned the fall of man. + +On a frosty day, what are the best fishes to fasten together? Skates, +soles, an' (h)eels. + +In what sort of syllables ought a parrot to be taught to speak? In +polly-silly-bills. + +Why is it dangerous for a teetotaler to have more than two reasons +for the faith that is in him? Because three scruples make a dram. + +What is the best key to a good dinner? Turkey. + +Why is your favorite puppy like a doll? It is a pup-pet. + +Which of the planets would a tortoise like best to live in? Herschel. + +Why is a bullet like a tender glance? Because it pierces hearts. + +What is the most suitable dance to wind up a frolic? A reel. + +Why is a cook more noisy than a gong? One makes a din, the other a +dinner. + +What death does the sculptor die? He makes faces, and busts. + +When may a room that is full of people be said to be empty? When +there is not a _single_ person in it. + +Of what trade is the sun? A tanner. + +When may a ship be said to be in love? When she is tender on a +man-of-war. + +When is she actively in love? When she seeks a mate. + +When is she ambitiously in love? When she is making up to a peer. + +When is she foolishly in love? When she is attached to a great buoy. + +When is she absurdly in love? When she is h'anchoring after a heavy +swell. + +When is she demonstratively in love? When she hugs the shore. + +When is she weakly in love? When she rests on the bosom of a little +cove. + +When is she treated too familiarly? When a smack follows her bow. + +Why is a lame beggar inconsistent? He asks for alms when he wants +legs. + +Why has the acrobat such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on +ropes and poles, and thrives. + +If the acrobat fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? +Against his inclination. + +Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's +farthest from the bark. + +Why is there no such thing as an entire day? Because every day begins +by breaking. + +What is that which every living being has seen, but will never see +again? Yesterday. + +What is that which _will be_ yesterday, and _was_ to-morrow? To-day. + +What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence +of body. + +Why is traveling by the Subway dangerous? Because then you are sure +to be run over by carriages and automobiles. + +Why is it not flattery to tell an old lady that she is "as beautiful +as an angel?" Because, if we believe what we read, the angels must be +very ancient. + +What is the superlative of temper? Tempest. + +On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day. + +What sort of a musical instrument resembles a bad hotel? A vile-inn. + +What is it which every one wishes for, and yet wants to get rid of as +soon as it is obtained? A good appetite. + +If a spider were late to dinner, what would he do? Take a fly. + +Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you +never see two of them together. + +Why is swearing like an old coat? Because it is a bad habit. + +Suppose you were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting +from New York, and you went in at this end, where would you come out? +Out of the hole. + +What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? +One uses wax candles and the other dips. + +Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as +stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). + +What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? +Daylight. + +Why is a marine painter like a large vessel? Because he draws so much +water. + +Why is it extraordinary not to find a painter's studio as hot as an +oven? Because it is there that he makes his bread. + +Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket. + +What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and +waistcoat first. + +What animals are admitted at the opera? White kids. + +With what two animals do you always go to bed? Two calves. + +Why are the actions of men like great rivers? Because we see the +course that they take, but not the source whence they spring. + +When is a young lady not a young lady? When she's a sweet tart +(sweetheart). + +Which is better, getting the girl of your choice or a shoulder of +mutton? A shoulder of mutton; as nothing earthly can be better than +getting her you love, and a shoulder of mutton is much better than +nothing. + +At what period in his sorrow does a widower recover from the loss of +his dear departed? When he re-wives (revives). + +Why are policemen particularly required in a hop ground? Because +there are always so many people picking pockets there. + +When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. + +Plant a puppy, and what would come up? Dog would. + +Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied +until their works are "hung on the line." + +Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? +Because he is no better (bettor). + +Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you +pass through. + +Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will +then have his leg at ease (legatees). + +What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? +A bald head. + +Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they sin-till-late +(scintillate). + +Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they +die late (dilate). + +A lady asked a gentleman how old he was. He answered, "My age is what +you do in everything--excel (XL)." + +Why is a mirror like a dissatisfied and ungrateful friend? Because, +though you may positively load its back with silver, it will reflect +on you. + +Why is a butler like a mountain? Because he looks down on the valley +(valet). + +What is that which the fox has and the hare most wants? A brush. + +What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it. + +Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and +no end. + +Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's? +Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes +matrimony. + +Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what +she seams (seems). + +When does a man stand a good chance of being completely sewn up? When +he has a stitch in his side. + +Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to +each of them. + +What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? The farmer +gathers what he sows, while the seamstress sews what she gathers. + +If we were going to kill a conversational goose, what vegetable would +she allude to? Ah!-spare-a-goose! (asparagus). + +What is the best thing to do to enjoy the happiness of courting? To +get a little gal-an'-try (gallantry). + +How is it that the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding that +they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they +are only miss givings (misgivings). + +Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long +enough before he gets another. + +What part of a lion is a new-born infant like? His tail, because it +was never seen before. + +Why can you never expect a fishmonger to be generous? Because his +business makes him sell-fish. + +Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the +center of gravity. + +What is the gentlest kind of spur? A whisper. + +Why should not soldiers meddle with nutcrackers? Because they make +the shells burst on the kernel (colonel). + +Why is a hammer like a general? It goes to the head, and settles the +point of a tack (attack). + +What is the best material for kites? Flypaper. + +What two reasons are there why a young lady going to the altar is +certainly going wrong? She is miss-taken and miss-led. + +When does the tongue assume the functions of the teeth? When it +back-bites. + +What is a button? A small event that is always coming off. + +What medicine ought to be given to misers? Anti-mony. + +What was the cause of the potato rot? The rot-atory motion of the +earth. + +What is the end to which all like to come? A divid-end. + +What is Hobson's choice? Mrs. Hobson. + +Why should one never complain of the price of a car ticket? It is a +_fare_ thing. + +Where does one see breakers ahead on land? In a railway station. + +What is a heavy incidental expense? Having one's tooth filled. + +What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon +one, and stand upon the other. + +How do locomotives hear? Through their engin-eers. + +What is the great motive for traveling? The loco-motive. + +Why has a barber more than one life? Because he dyes (dies) very +often. + +How do you call the ship that carries more passengers than the +_Olympic_? Courtship. + +Why is a high rate of fare on a railroad like an overloaded gun? +Because it is too much for a charge. + +When is a United States soldier like a man with a ragged coat? When +he is out under arms. + +When is a beaver hat a wide-awake? When it has lost its nap. + +Why can hotel boarders dine off the gong? Because "it is a-rousing +dinner." + +Why is a retired actor like an extortioner? Because he is an +ex-actor. + +Who has most need to pray to be delivered from temptation? An editor, +for he is beset by the "devil." + +How can an actress appear in two pieces on the same evening? Because +she's taking a part (taken apart). + +Why is a watch like the moon? Because it presents halves and quarters +and reports time. + +Why is any divorced man like a man playing at ten pins? Because he +has to pay an alimony (an alley-money). + +Why is a woman, when blindfolded, like an ignorant school teacher? +Because her pupils are kept in the dark. + +Why is a ball discharged in the air like an article for soldiers' +comfort? Because it is a blank hit (blanket). + +Why is an honest poor man like a dishonest bankrupt man? Because +they both fail to become rich. + +Why is a beautiful woman at her marriage festival like one on +horseback? Because she holds a bridal reign (bridle rein). + +Why are the men appointed to wind up the affairs of a bank whose +treasurer has defaulted, as bad as the treasurer himself? Because the +receiver is as bad as the thief. + +Why do architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at +drawing houses. + +Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admired for +her cheek. + +Why is a steel-trap like the small-pox? Because it is catching. + +Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing +better to kiss, and men have. + +If I kiss a lady by mistake, what weapon do I use? A blunderbuss. + +Why would young ladies of the present day make good pugilists? +Because they are eager to enter the ring at sixteen, and willing to +make a match with a man twice their own size any day. + +When is a man a muff? When he holds a lady's hand without squeezing +it. + +When is a man a spoon? When he touches a lady's two lips without +kissing them. + +How would you measure a lover's sincerity? By his sighs (size). + +When is music like vegetables? When there is two beats (beets) to a +measure. + +Why is the _Outlook_ like a man of fourscore? Because it's weekly. + +Why is a false oath like a trial in the criminal court? Because it is +per-jury. + +Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the +more they are with them. + +What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and +broken? Pieces. + +What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing room after +dinner? A different one. + +What animals always have gaiters on? Alligators. + +What nation has always overcome in the end? Determination. + +Why should you never sleep in a railway train? The train runs over +sleepers. + +What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl. + +What is an Englishman's notion of woman's mission? Sub-mission. + +What remedy does an Irishman take for a scolding wife? He takes an +e-lix-ir (he licks her). + +What is the difference between a cloud of rain and a beaten child? +One pours with rain, the other roars with pain. + +What did the sunbeam say to the violet? "Wilt thou?" And she wilted. + +What rose is "born to blush unseen"? Neg-roes. + +What relation is a loaf of bread to a locomotive? The mother--bread +being a necessity, a locomotive being an invention, and "Necessity is +the mother of invention." + +What is more moist than a young lady with a waterfall on her head, a +cataract in her eye, a little lake on each cheek, high-tied shoes, +and a crick in her back? A young lady with a notion (an ocean) in her +head. + +What is the best kind of agricultural fair? A farmer's very pretty +daughter. + +Why is a photograph like a member of Congress? Because it's a +representative. + +Why is a pelted actor like a pardoned criminal? Because he's glad to +get off. + +When is a bank note like iron? When it is forged. + +Why is the sun like a good loaf? It is light when it rises. + +Why may a dyspeptic hope for a long life? He can't die just (digest) +now. + +Why does a person who is ailing lose his sense of touch? Because he +does not feel well. + +If you were to swallow a man, what sort of man would you prefer? A +little London porter. + +Why should you never make love in the country? Because corn has +ears, potatoes eyes, and the beans talk. + +Why is an aged man like a deserted house? His gait (gate) is broken, +and his locks are few. + +What did a blind man take at breakfast which restored his sight? A +cup and saucer (saw, sir!). + +Which is the laziest plant, and which the most active? The creeper +and the running vine. + +Why is an autoist whose machine has been completely wrecked like a +reformed autoist? Because he has suddenly given up motoring. + +What does a hen do when she stands on one foot? Lifts up the other. + +Why should the largest tree be near a church? There should be no +bigger tree (bigotry) there. + +Why is a stupid servant like a church bell? He has to be often told +(tolled). + +Why are sailors in a leaky vessel like dancing masters? They depend +on their pumps. + +Why does a duck go into water? For diver's (diverse) reasons. + +Why does a duck come out of water? For sun-dry (sundry) reasons. + +What is the difference between a duck with one wing and one with two? +Merely a difference of a pinion (opinion). + +Why wasn't Peary buried in New York? He isn't dead yet. + +When is the wind like a woodchopper? When it cuts. + +What makes the ocean get angry? It has been crossed so often. + +What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands +before its face, and runs down its own works. + +When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down. + +Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver +till her bow comes, and can't go off without one. + +Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and +defective. + +What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out; +which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands. + +What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One +minds his peas, the other his cues. + +What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The +tongue. + +Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can +shut them up without giving offense. + +Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a +sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be +sold. + +Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by +auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in. + +Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? +Because he has picked yours (pictures). + +Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but +meer-shams. + +Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation +with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary. + +What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens. + +Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use until it's +broken. + +How is it guns can kick when they have no legs? They kick with their +breeches. + +Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? +Because he departs from his sphere of action. + +When is a soldier charitable? When he presents arms. + +Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when they're +exposed to the fire they run. + +When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When the soldiers +are all in quarters. + +Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it's worsted. + +What sort of men are most aboveboard in their movements? Chessmen. + +Why should good-natured people never go to small dancing parties? +Because hops produce great bitterness. + +What is tantalizing? Giving invitations only to teas. + +Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons. + +What is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your +addresses. + +When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously (surreptitiously) +obtained. + +Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of +Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would +men should do unto them. + +Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees? Because +you un-buzz-'em (unbosom). + +When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to +another. + +When an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a +goat was browsing, what took place? The goat turned to butter (butt +her), and the old woman into a scarlet runner. + +What is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, for he is +killed and then cured. + +Why is an elephant's head different from every other head? Because if +you cut his head off his body you do not take it from the trunk. + +Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs. + +What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is +for the first born, the other for the last bourn. + +Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? +Because he always has an ocean (a notion) in his head. + +What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they are +ashes still. + +If a tree were to break the panes of a window, what would they say? +Tree, mend us (tremendous). + +When is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored from its +length. + +Why is a jeweler like a screeching singer? Because he pierces the +ears. + +Why is an old man's head like a song executed by an indifferent +singer? Because it is often terribly bawled (bald). + +Why is a piano like an onion? Because it's mell-odious (melodious). + +What sort of medicine is most like a sick monkey? A pill (ape-ill). + +When is a girl like a mirror? When she's a good-looking (g)lass. + +What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? +They talk without reflecting, and the mirrors reflect without +talking. + +What is the best way to prevent water coming into your house? Do not +pay your water rates. + +What do ladies look for when they go to church? The hymns (hims). + +When may a man's coat-pocket be empty and yet have something in it? +When it has a hole in it. + +What is the difference between a sweep and a man in mourning? One is +blacked with soot, and the other is suited with black. + +What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? +The former are dead men, the latter are mended (men dead). + +Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova +before it comes to life. + +When is a schoolboy like a postage stamp? When he is licked and put +in the corner to make him stick to his letters. + +What is the difference between an engine-driver and a schoolmaster? +One minds the train, the other trains the mind. + +When is a member of Congress ferocious? When he inserts his claws +(clause) into the Bill of another member. + +What is the best description of "rapid consumption"? Bolting one's +food. + +Why does a fox-hound wag his tail? Because he is stronger than his +tail, otherwise his tail would wag him. + +Why is a gooseberry tart like a bad coin? Because it's not currant +(current). + +When is a blow from a lady welcome? When she strikes you agreeably. + +When you give a lady a lock of your hair, what else does she receive +from you at the same time? A key to your feelings. + +Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive engine? Because she sends off +the sparks, transports the mails, has a train following her, and +passes over the plain. + +What part of speech is kissing? A conjunction. + +Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? Because the +men seek comforters, and the ladies seek muffs. + +How do the young ladies show their dislike of mustaches? By setting +their faces against them. + +Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because you seldom find one who +can decline Matrimony. + +Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? In the dark. + +Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it. + +Why is a prosy preacher like the middle of a wheel? Because the +felloes around it are tired. + +Why is the rudder of a steamboat like a hangman? It has a stern duty +to perform. + +What is the difference between a cat and a document? One has claws at +the end of its paws, and the other has pauses at the end of its +clauses. + +What two beaus can every lady have near at hand? El-bows. + +When is a man like a cannon-ball? When he looks round. + +When does the House of Representatives present one of the most +ludicrous spectacles? When its ayes (eyes) are on one side, and its +noes (nose) on the other. + +What three acts comprise the chief business of some women's lives? +Attr-act, contr-act, detr-act. + +Why does a donkey eat a thistle? Because he's an ass. + +What is the difference between a donkey and a postage stamp? One you +lick with a stick, the other you stick with a lick. + +Why shouldn't you go to church if you have a cough? Because you will +be sure to disturb the _rest_ of the congregation. + +When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the +reading desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the +congregation. + +When is a rushlight like a tombstone? When it is put up for a _late_ +husband. + +Why are women like churches? Because there is no living without one; +because there is many a-spire to them; and because they are objects +of adoration. + +Why is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because +it's ever-last-in' (everlasting). + +Why are kisses like creation? They are made of nothing, yet are very +good. + +Why is a ragged beggar like a clergyman near the end of his sermon? +He's tor'd his clothes. + +Why is a greenback more desirable than gold? When you put it in your +pocket you double it and when you take it out you find it in creases. + +Why is it dangerous to walk out in the spring? The grass is full of +blades, the trees are shooting, every flower has a pistil, and the +bull rushes out. + +What is that which, although only four inches long and three inches +wide, contains a solid foot? A shoe. + +What is the difference between a physician and a magician? One is a +cupper, the other a sorcerer. + +What becomes of all the pins? They fall to the earth, and become +terra-pins. + +Why is a belle like a locomotive? She transports the mails. + +Why is a Freshman like a telescope? He is easily drawn out, seen +through, and shut up. + +Why is a flea like a long winter? It makes a backward spring. + +What is the smallest room in the world? The mush-room. + +What is the largest room in the world? Room for improvement. + +What is that which is above all human imperfections, and yet shelters +the weakest and most depraved, as well as the best of men? A hat. + +Why does a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's +chicken-hearted. + +Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would +be in fowl language. + +Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower +garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture). + +Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them +here (hear). + +What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more +than yourself? Your name. + +What tongue is that which frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet +does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. + +When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped +up in himself. + +What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's. + +Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better +tempered he is the easier he takes a fence (offense). + +What is a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl. + +Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin'. + +When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists +(tourists). + +What is the difference between a butterfly and a volcano? In one the +lava comes out of the crater, in the other the "crater" comes out of +the larva. + +Why is a man riding swiftly up hill like one who presents a young +lady with a young dog? He gives a gallop up (gal a pup). + +Why is a love of the ocean like curiosity? It has sent many a boy to +sea (see). + +What is the best way to double a flock of sheep? Fold them. + +Why are mortgages like burglars? They secure (seek your) money. + +Why is a woman's thought like the telegraph? It is so much quicker +than the mail (male) intelligence. + +If you lose a dollar to-day, why would it be a good plan to lose +another to-morrow? So as to make your loss a-gain. + +What constitutes a weighty discourse? First to ann-OUNCE a text, then +to ex-POUND it. + +What is disgusting to all but those who swallow it? Flattery. + +Why is a lawyer like an honest man? He is a man of deeds as well as +of words. + +Why does a young man study law? To get on. + +Why does he continue in the profession? To get honor. + +Why does he leave the profession? To get honest. + +What is the difference between fog and a falling star? One is a mist +on earth, the other is missed in heaven. + +Why is the present moment like skim-milk? It's scum (come). + +Why is a four-quart measure like a sidesaddle? They both hold a +gal(l)on. + +How can you shoot one hundred and twenty hares at one shot? Fire at a +wig. + +Name that which, with only one eye put out, has but a nose left. +Noise. + +Why are laundresses good navigators? Because they are always +crossing the line, and going from pole to pole. + +What is that which if you name it even you break it? Silence. + +What is that which you can keep even after giving it to somebody +else? Your word. + +What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? Go +round with the world. + +What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he +takes? The snuffers. + +Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are +continually passing between them. + +What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. + +Why is a Jew in a fever like the famous Koh-i-noor diamond? Because +he's a Jew-ill. + +Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is +lost upon him. + +What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A +pack of cards. + +What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky +(croquet). + +What question is that to which you positively must answer yes? What +does y-e-s spell? + +What would a pig do if he wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a +knot in his tail, and call it a pig's-tie (pig's sty). + +If the before-mentioned porker wished to demolish the pig's sty he +had built, what quotation would he make? "I could a tail (tale) +unfold." + +What is that which is white, black, and red all over, which shows +some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A +newspaper. + +Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and +reviews. + +What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur? +Chin-chilly (chinchilla). + +Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because +they always manage to accomplish their own ends. + +Where is the cheapest place to buy poultry? At the State Bath House, +where you can get a duck for a dime. + +Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy +bred (bread). + +What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs. + +When would a farmer have the best opportunity for overlooking his +pigs? When he has a sty in his eye. + +What is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch. + +Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though +the king can make a man appear (a peer), he can't make him apparent +(a parent). + +What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor? A draft. + +What is the worst kind of fare for a man to live on? Warfare. + +Of what color are the winds and waves in a storm? The winds blew +(blue) and the waters rose. + +How does a ray of light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way. + +What would a bear want if he should get into a dry-goods store? +Muslin (muzzling). + +When does English butter become Irish butter? When it is made into +little _Pats_. + +Which is the most ancient of trees? The elder tree. + +Which are the most seasonable clothes? Pepper and salt. + +Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example? +Because they practice their professions. + +Why is a fiddle like a man who gives money to make up a quarrel? +Because it is for a-tone-ment. + +Why is a good pun like a good cat? Because it requires pause (paws). + +Why is a Jew's harp like a good dinner? Because it makes a man's +mouth water. + +Why is there a bad audience at the playhouse when the pit is full? +Because it is a pitiful house. + +Why is a fortified town like a pudding? Because it's often batter'd. + +Why does a tallow chandler live better than another man? Because he +lives on the fat of the land. + +Why is a water lily like a whale? Because it comes to the surface to +blow. + +Why is a resolution like a looking glass? Because it is so easily +broken. + +Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in +either case it is a feint (faint). + +When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? +When at the opera, as then they are in tiers. + +When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. + +Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has +tendrils, and then shoots. + +Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person +with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never +for-giving. + +Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they +are left off'uns (orphans). + +What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims +the milk, the other the water. + +Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no +attention to the swells that follow her. + +What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose. + +Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you +till it drops. + +Which travels faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can easily +catch cold. + +What did the muffin say to the toasting fork? You're too pointed. + +I am forever, yet was never. Eternity. + +Which eat more grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are +more of them. + +Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the +game alive. + +What is the height of folly? Spending your last shilling on a purse. + +In what sort of family does the seventh night of the week come on the +sixth? In that sort of family where Saturday is a bath night (is +Sabbath night). + +Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the reins (rains). + +On what supposition could a pocket handkerchief be used to build a +house? If it became-brick (be cambric). + +Why did the young lady return the dumb waiter? Because it didn't +answer. + +Why is a schoolboy being flogged like your eye? Because he's a pupil +under the lash. + +Why does a blow leave a blue mark? Because blow, when perfect, makes +blew. + +When has a man brown hands? When he's tand-'em driving. + +Why is the leading horse in a wagon-team like the acceptor of a bill? +Because he's the end horse, sir (endorser). + +Why is a man marrying a second time like _sal volatile_? Because it's +re-wiving. + +When may a lady be absolutely pronounced to be quite past recovery? +When she is speechless, and can only chatter with her teeth. + +Why are ladies' eyes like persons separated by the Atlantic Ocean? +Because, although they may correspond, they never meet. + +What two ages often prove illusory? Mir-age and marri-age. + +State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and +an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar. One weighs a pound, the +other pounds away. + +Why is gritty coffee like the Subway? It may be considered +underground. + +When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When +she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she +replies, "Sure, it's ate." + +Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because +you would be making game of him. + +Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair +o' fins). + +When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is +put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away. + +Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it +becomes. + +What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One +makes acorns, the other makes corns ache. + +Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique +(blows so bleak). + +What is the difference between a _premiere danseuse_ and a duck? One +goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her +beautiful eggs. + +What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a +billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. + +Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo. + +When is a young lady like an acrobat? When she shows her sleight of +hand by refusing you. + +Why is one stall of a two-stall stable like a pretty girl? Because it +is seldom let alone. + +Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it is down +in the mouth. + +What part of one's head is fit to eat? An ear o' rye (awry). + +Why cannot you make a venison pasty of buck venison? Because the +pasty must be made of dough (doe). + +Why ought venison to be only half-cooked? Because what is done, +cannot be helped. + +Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is +impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well. + +Why are plagiarists like seashore lodging-house keepers with newly +married couples? Because they are accustomed to sea-side dears (seize +ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible. + +What is Majesty deprived of its externals? A jest (M-ajest-y). + +Why is a cracker like death? Because it is a debt o' natur' +(detonator). + +What is the greatest instance of cannibalism on record? When a rash +man ate a rasher. + +What tree bears the most fruit to market? The axle-tree. + +How is it that trees can put on new dresses without "opening their +trunks"? Because they leave out their summer clothing. + +What is the difference between a potato and a soldier? One shoots +from the eye, the other from the shoulder. + +What is the difference between a beehive and a diseased potato? None +at all; one is a bee-holder (beholder), the other a speck'd tatur +(spectator). + +What is the difference between a piece of honeycomb and a black eye? +One is produced by a laboring bee, the other by a belaboring. + +Why are country girls' cheeks like well-printed cottons? Because they +are warranted to wash--and keep color. + +Why are volunteers like old maids? Because they are always ready, but +never wanted. + +Why would young ladies make good volunteers? Because they are +accustomed to bare arms. + +What is the difference between love and war? One breaks hearts, the +other heads. + +What is the difference between a volunteer and an omelet? The +difference is that one is equipped to go forth, the other is egg +whipped to go froth. + +Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he is a +negro-man-sir (necromancer). + +What is that which every one frequently holds yet rarely touches? His +tongue. + +What is a good way to make money fast? Put it in a safety deposit +box. + +Why is one who uses hair dye like a suicide? Because he dies by his +own hand. + +Why are frames put about tomato plants? To make the tomato ketchup +(catch up). + +Why should wire be used to train string beans? So that they may not +be too stringy. + +Why is a proposal like the first conviction for drunkenness? Because +it is a short sentence which generally leads to a long one. + +What kind of a pen does the plagiarist use? Steel. + +If an uncle's sister is not your aunt, what relation does she bear to +you? Your mother. + +Of what profession is every child? A player. + +Why is Troy weight like an unconscientious person? Because it has no +scruples. + +Which is heavier, the half or the full moon? The half, because the +full moon is as light again. + +Why must a fisherman be very wealthy? Because his is all net profit. + +When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is a-drift. + +What 'bus has found room for the greatest number of people? +Colum-bus. + +Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he shows +an open countenance in the act of taking you in. + +When may a man be said to be really over head and ears in debt? When +he hasn't paid for his wig. + +What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, an orphan, a +bald-headed man, and a gorilla? The first is an heir apparent, the +second has ne'er a parent, the third has no hair apparent, and the +fourth has a hairy parent. + +When does a son not take after his father? When his father leaves him +nothing to take. + +Why are poor relations like fits of the gout? Because the oftener +they come the longer they stay. + +Why is the game of Blindman's Buff like sympathy? Because it is a +fellow feeling for another. + +When could you eat a lady's hand? When it is a warm muff in. + +Just state the difference between an auction and sea-sickness. One is +a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail. + +Why does a man who has been all his life a woodcutter, never come +home to dinner? Because he's not only bred (bread) there, but he's +always a chop in (a-choppin') the wood. + +What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One +bayonets, the other nets a bay. + +What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-net (castanet). + +What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One +baits his hook, the other hates his book. + +What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables +to them? Quick and short. + +What is the worth of a woman? Double you, O man (w-o-man). + +Why is a kiss like a rumor? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. + +What shape is a kiss? A-lip-tickle (elliptical). + +What becomes every woman? A blush. + +Why are three couples going to be married like penny trumpets? +Because they go two-two-two. + +What is that which fastens two people together, yet touches only one? +The wedding-ring. + +What is a ring? A hole with a rim around it. + +What grows bigger the more you contract it? Debt. + +Why is a spendthrift, with regard to his fortune, like the water in a +filter? Because he soon runs through it, and leaves many matters +behind to settle. + +Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills +are all over dew (overdue). + +What is the difference between a last will and testament and a man +who has eaten as much as he can? One is signed and dated, and the +other is dined and sated. + +What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That +recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he +threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. + +How should love come to the door? With a ring. + +If a mercenary man were to ask a girl to marry, what flower would he +name? Any money (anemone). + +When may two people be said to be half-witted? When there is an +understanding between them. + +Why is the science of self-defense like low tide? It develops the +muscles. + +Why should a teetotaler never take a wife? He will not sup-porter +(support her). + +Why should free seats at church be abolished? They make people good +for nothing. + +What relation is the door-mat to the threshold? A step-father +(farther). + +When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. + +Where have you the most extended view? In a hop-garden, for then you +see from pole to pole. + +What burns to keep a secret? Sealing wax. + +Plant the setting sun, and what will come up? The morning glory. + +Why is a dog with a lame leg like a boy ciphering? He puts down three +and carries one. + +Why are eyes like stage-horses? They are always under the lash. + +What is the brightest idea of the day? Your eye, dear. + +Why are ladies bathing like a Yankee drink? They are 'lasses in +water. + +Of what color is grass under snow? Invisible green. + +What is the hardest conundrum? Life, because we all have to give it +up. + +What is that which is often given you, which you never have, yet +which you often give up? A conundrum. + +What kin is that child to his own father who is not his own father's +son? His daughter. + +If Dick's father is Tom's son, what relation is Dick to Tom? Tom is +his grandfather. + +When does a man sneeze three times? When he cannot help it. + +Why does a piebald pony never pay toll? Because his master pays it +for him. + +When may a man be said to have four hands? When he doubles his fists. + +What goes over the water and under the water, but never touches the +water? A woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her head. + +How many peas in a pint? One. + +When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. + +How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By fowl means. + +Why is a butcher's cart like his top boots? Because he carries his +calves there. + +Why does a cat rest better in summer? Because summer brings a +cat-a-pillow (caterpillar). + +What is it that every man overlooks? His nose. + +Why should potatoes grow better than any other vegetable? Because +they have eyes to see what they are doing. + +What were the last words of the bugler who was gored by the bull? +"Blow the horns!" + +Why are lawyers like shears? Because they do not cut each other, but +only what comes between them. + +What have feet and walk not? Stoves. + +What have eyes and see not? Potatoes. + +What have noses but smell not? Teapots. + +What have hands but work not? Clocks. + +What have mouths but eat not? Rivers. + +What have ears but hear not? Cornstalks. + +What have tongues but talk not? Wagons. + +Why do we all go to bed? Because the bed will not come to us. + +What is higher and handsomer when the head is off? A pillow. + +What is the best thing to make in a hurry? Haste. + +Why do dentists make good politicians? Because they have a great +pull. + +If a tailor and a goose are on the top of a monument, what is the +quickest way for the tailor to get down? Pluck the goose. + +If I walk into a room full of people and place a new penny upon the +table in full view of the company, what does the coin do? It looks +round. + +Why is a mouse like hay? Because the cat'll eat it (cattle). + +Why is a madman equal to two men? Because he is one beside himself. + +Which member of Congress wears the largest hat? The one who has the +largest head. + +When does a pig become landed property? When he is turned into a +meadow. + +What is the difference between a cow and a rickety chair? One gives +milk and the other gives whey (way). + +What flower most resembles a bull's mouth? The cowslip. + +When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings; because she then has +her hands where her feet ought to be. + +Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an +airy-nought (aeronaut). + +Why do little birds in their nests agree? For fear of falling out. + +Why is the flight of an eagle a most unpleasant sight to witness? +Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar). + +What impermeable fabric is a sparrow like? Gutter percher (gutta +percha). + +Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The +crane. + +Why does the rope dancer invariably have to repeat his performances? +Because they are always on cord (encored). + +What is the difference between a widow and a window? Little if N-y; +for the trans-parents griefs of the one, like the panes of the other, +are removed in course of re-pairing; and the latter is for mankind to +look out of, while the former looks out for mankind. + +When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a +little Indian in it. + +What part of a fish weighs most? The scales. + +What is that which works when it plays and plays when it works? A +fountain. + +Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because +it is easier to preach than to practice. + +Why are sailors bad horsemen? Because they ride on the main (mane). + +Why is a sword belt like a cow upon a common? Because it goes round +the waste (waist). + +Why is a thief like a knocker? Because they are tied up to prevent +disturbance. + +What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the +honey, and the other all the whacks (wax). + +Why is sealing wax like a rifleman? Because it's often under arms. + +Why are cripples and beggars similar to shepherds and fishermen? +Because they live by hook and by crook. + +What is that which has four legs and flies in the air? Two canary +birds. + +What is the only pain of which every one makes light? A window pane. + +Why is a smith a dangerous companion? Because he deals in forgery. + +Why are coals like poor laboring men? Because they feed the great. + +Why is an honest friend like orange chips? Because he's candid. + +Why is a peach-stone like a regiment? Because it has a colonel +(kernel). + +Why is a playhouse like a punch bowl? Because it is best when full. + +What is the principal part of a horse? The mane (main) part. + +Why is a candle like an atheist? Because it's wicked. + +Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both produce a bark. + +What barrel is best fitted for a soldier's helmet? A cask (casque). + +Why is it no offense to conspire in the evening? What is treasonable +is reasonable after _t_. + +Why is a corpse like a man with a cold? Because he is in a-coughing. + +Why is a fiddler like a man in amaze? Because he's at a stand. + +What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. + +What language should a linguist end with? The Finnish. + +What sea is most traveled by clever intellectual people? Brilliancy. + +What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to +dress, the other dresses to kill. + +Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two +fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity). + +A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; +how was this? He had two--and one smelt. + +If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost five dollars, what would a ton +of coal come to? To ashes. + +Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because +he's always on the strike for wages. + +Why is selling off bankrupt goods like preparing a dish of soup? +Because it is a liquidation of stock. + +Why is a wide-awake so called? Because it never had a nap, and never +wants one. + +What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One +has feeling, the other is felt. + +What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing street cars. + +What is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. + +How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of +black? Buy the above quantities in Boston, and send them down to New +York. + +Why is a patent safety Hansom cab a dangerous carriage to drive in? +Because the cabman always drives over your head. + +Why is whispering in company like a forged bank note? Because it is +uttered but not allowed. + +Which constellation resembles an empty fireplace? The Great Bear. + +What is the last remedy for a smoky chimney? Putting the fire out. + +Why is a clever wit like a chemist? Because he has many a good +retort. + +Why is a bankrupt husband an ardent lover? Because his is unremitting +affection. + +What is the difference between a spendthrift and a feather bed? One +is hard up and the other soft down. + +What comes after cheese? Mouse. + +Why is a mouse entering a mouse trap like a diplomat arguing his +policy? Because each has a well-defined end in view. + +When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes +a roll in bed. + +When are volunteers not volunteers? When they are mustered (mustard). + +Which is the merriest sauce? Caper sauce. + +Why is a cat going up three pairs of stairs like a high hill? Because +she's a-mounting (a mountain). + +Why is a lead pencil like a perverse child? Because it never does +write (right) by itself. + +Why are wooden ships, as compared with ironclads, of the female sex? +Because they are the weaker vessels. + +At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable +kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. + +When is a sailor not a sailor? When he is aloft. + +What wild animals may be correctly shut up in one enclosure? Twelve +ounces in one pound. + +What makes a pair of boots? Two boots. + +What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. + +Why is the superintendent of a children's play-ground like a stranded +vessel? Because he runs a-ground. + +Why is the road-bed laborer on a railroad like a hunted bear in the +mountains? Because he makes tracks for his life. + +Why is the engineer of a train like an aeronaut? Because he +frequently slows down. + +Why is it impossible that there should be a best horse on a race +course? Because there is always a bettor. + +When may a ship be said to be in love? When she wishes for a mate. + +What is that which has never been felt, seen, or heard,--never +existed, and still has a name? Nothing. + +Why is a congreve-box without matches superior to all other boxes? +Because it is matchless. + +Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by +the directions of strangers. + +What is that which comes with a coach, goes with a coach, is of no +use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go without it? Noise. + +Why is a missionary like a pig roasting on a spit? Because he goes +around doing good. + +Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) +everything. + +What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because +he's got one to wag. + +What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides +a sty in his eye? A castle in the (h)air. + +When is a fast young man nearest heaven? When on a lark. + +When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it's smoked. + +When is a man most likely to get floored (flawed)? When he's up late +(a plate), and so runs a chance of becoming cracked. + +What are the features of the cannon? Cannon-mouth, canon-ize, and +cannon-eers. + +Who always sits with his hat on before the queen? Her coachman. + +Why is a pig in the drawing-room like a house on fire? Because the +sooner it is put out the better. + +When is a river not a river? When it is eye water (high water). + +What trade never turns to the left? A wheelwright. + +What trade is more than full? Fuller. + +Why is electricity like the police when they are wanted? Because it +is an invisible force. + +When is a borough like a ship? When it is under canvass. + +Why are guns like trees? People plant them and they shoot. + +How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell O! (yellow). + +What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? +The drum. + +What is it that stands aloft, and regulates our daily movements, yet +feels no interest in our concerns; directs us when to go, and when to +come; yet cares not whether we attend or not; still, thus indifferent +to our fate, often strikes a heavy blow to urge us on, and we feel no +resentment when the reproof is given? A clock. + +Why is the dove a very cautious little dear? Because he minds his +peas and coos. + +When is a baby like a breakfast cup? When it's a tea thing +(teething). + +Why is a chicken served to a minister like a theological student? +Because it is about to enter the ministry. + +What animal keeps the best time? A watch dog. + +When is a young lady's cheek not a cheek? When it is a little pale +(pail). + +When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little reddish (radish). + +What sort of a face does the auctioneer like best? One that is +for-bidding. + +When is a straight field not a straight field? When it is a rye field +(a wry). + +What is it that walks with its head downward? A nail in a shoe. + +Why are the hours from one to twelve like good Christians? Because +they are always on the watch. + +Why is a hen walking across the road like a conspiracy? Because it is +a foul proceeding. + +What sort of sympathy would you rather be without? You don't want to +be pitted by the small-pox. + +What is that which we often return but never borrow? Thanks. + +What animals are always seen at a funeral? Black kids. + +What did the pistol ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give +satisfaction." + +Why is horse racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course. + +What is a young lady who refuses you? Two no-ing by half. + +Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by +falling due (dew). + +What games do the waves play at? At pitch and toss. + +What fish is most valued by a loving wife? Her-ring. + +Why is a solar eclipse like a woman whipping her boy? Because it's a +hiding of the son (sun). + +When does a man's hair resemble a packing box? When it stands on end. + +Why is a woman who tries to drive a balky horse like a successful +actress? Because she's the leading lady. + +Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he +offers a horn to every one he meets. + +When is silence likely to get wet? When it reigns. + +How do you make a Maltese cross? Pull its tail. + +What is a waste (waist) of time? The middle of an hour glass. + +Who is the most popular preacher? Jack in the pulpit. Why? Because he +is silent. + +Why is a muddy road a guardian of the public safety? Because it +reduces the speed of autos. + +Why does a student never lead a sedentary life? Because he's always +pursuing his studies. + +Why are bishops like superannuated washerwomen? Because they wear +lawn dresses (were laundresses). + +Why can no clergyman have a wooden leg? Because, although a chaplain +may be a plain chap, a parson can't be a lame un (layman). + +If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two +in the shade. + +What is that which becomes too young the longer it exists? A +portrait. + +What is that which we often catch yet never see? A passing remark. + +What is the geometrical form of an escaped parrot? A polygon (polly +gone). + +Why is a lamp like a house? Because it has a chimney. + +Why is the wall going to decay? Because you can see its molding. + +How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated. + +At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. + +Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. + +What is the most popular paper at a summer resort? Flypaper. + +What coat is finished without buttons and put on wet? A coat of +paint. + +Why do you think that a judge of the criminal court is looked upon +with contempt? Because every day the worst of scoundrels are set +before him. + +Why is a book like a king? It has many pages. + +What roof never keeps out the wet? The roof of the mouth. + +What fruit is on a cent? A date. + +Why are good women like ivy? Because the greater the ruin, the closer +they cling. + +Why are bad women like ivy? Because the closer they cling the greater +the ruin. + + +ECHOES + +What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write. + +What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System. + +What would give a blind man the greatest delight? Light. + +What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace. + +Who commit the greatest abominations? Nations. + +Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire. + +What made the tart tart? Because she didn't want the baker to bake +her. + + + + +CHAPTER X + +CHARADES, STORIES, AND CONTESTS + + + My first makes company, + My second shuns company, + My third assembles company, + My whole puzzles company. + Co-nun-drum. + +My first is a reflection, my second not so much, and my whole none at +all. Thoughtless. + +I lived upon my own substance and died when I had devoured myself. A +candle. + +I have hands, but no fingers; no bed, but a tick. A clock. + +You can hang me on the wall, but if you take me down, you cannot hang +me up again. Wall paper. + +In my first my second sat, my third and fourth I ate. In-sat-i-ate. + + May my first never be lost in my second, + To prevent me from enjoying my whole. + Friendship. + +My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not. +Love-lie (Lovely). + +My first is a prop, my second also is a prop, and my whole is a prop +as well. Footstool. + +Wipe my face, and I'm everybody; scratch my back, and I'm nobody. A +mirror. + +By well employing my second you will never regret my first, and you +will the more thoroughly enjoy my whole. Past-time. + +When you stole my first, I lost my second, and you are the only +person to give me my whole. Hearts-ease. + +Why is the emblem of America more lasting than that of France, +England, Ireland, or Scotland? + + The lily may fade, and its leaves decay, + The rose from its stem may sever; + Shamrock and thistle may pass away, + But the stars shall shine for ever. + + Read see that me but not my got + Up shall I love if me love for- + And you love you that love for be + Down and you if you do you shall + Read up and down and you shall see. + + Can you tell me why + A hypocrite's eye + Can better descry + Than you or I + On how many toes + A pussy-cat goes? + + A man of deceit + Can best count-er-feit; + And so, I suppose, + Can best count her toes. + + My first, though 'tis dirty, 's a thing to a door; + My second is made into cakes and a bun; + My third is, believe me, by none thought a bore; + My whole we have frequently been led to believe by many authors + of the United States is very often indeed called one. + Mat-ry(e)-money. + +Why is a cross old bachelor like the preceding conundrum? Because +he's averse to matrimony. + + By equal division, I know I am right; + The half of thirteen you'll find to be eight. + VIII + XIII, ----, VIII + AIII + + [Transcriber's note: The letter A is used here to represent + the lower half of the letter X, originally shown by an + upside down V.] + + I came to a field and couldn't get through it; + So I went to school and learned how to do it. + Fence. + + Legs have I got, but seldom walk, + I backbite all, yet never talk. + A flea. + + I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it; + But those who are in, entirely are out of it. + Sane; insane. + + Formed long ago, yet made to-day, + I'm most employed while others sleep; + What none would like to give away, + Yet no one likes to keep. + Bed. + + My first of anything is half, + My second is complete; + And so remains until once more + My first and second meet. + Semi-circle. + + Pray tell me, ladies, if you can, + Who is that highly favored man, + Who, though he has married many a wife, + May still live single all his life? + A clergyman. + + Great numbers do our use despise, + But yet, at last they find, + Without our help in many things, + They might as well be blind. + Spectacles. + + My love for you will never know + My first, nor yet my second; + 'Tis like your wit and beauty, so + My whole 'twill aye be reckoned. + End-less. + + As I was going through a field of wheat, + I found something good to eat; + It wasn't fish or flesh or bone; + I kept it till it ran alone. + An egg. + + There's a word composed of three letters alone + Which reads backwards and forwards the same, + It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart, + And to beauty lays principal claim. + Eye. + + We travel much, yet pris'ners are, + And close confined to boot; + We with the swiftest horse keep pace, + Yet always go on foot. + A pair of spurs. + + My first doth affliction denote, + Which my second is destined to feel; + But my whole is the sure antidote + That affliction to soothe and to heal. + Wo-man. + + Those who take me improve, be their task what it may, + Those who have me are sorrowful through the long day; + I am hated alike by the foolish and wise, + Yet without me none ever to eminence rise. + Pains. + + Your initials begin with an A, + You've an A at the end of your name, + The whole of your name is an A, + And it's backwards and forwards the same. + Anna. + + Ever running on my race, + Never staying at one place, + Through the world I make my tour, + Everywhere at the same hour. + If you please to spell my name, + Reversed or forward it's the same. + Noon. + + You name me once, and I am famed + For deeds of noble daring; + You name me twice, and I am found + In savage customs sharing. + Tar-tar. + +What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with +its root upwards? An icicle. + + Water soft is my first, water hard is my second, + Sticks made of my whole are by many sweet reckon'd. + Liquor-ice (licorice). + + From a number that's odd cut off the head, + It then will even be. + Its tail, I pray, next take away, + Your mother then you'll see. + Seven--even--Eve. + + My first is of illustrious line, + Of beauteous form and face divine; + Which when my second does assail, + Both form and beauty then do fail; + My whole an arduous task to do + With wives who hoity-toity ways pursue. + Man-age. + + A stranger comes from foreign shores, + Perchance to seek relief; + Curtail him, and you find his tale + Unworthy of belief; + Curtailed again, you recognize + An old Egyptian chief. + Alien--a lie--Ali. + + An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet, + Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate; + And when he set off running, an Irishman was he; + Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree. + Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, cur-rant. + + Ere Adam was, my early days began; + I ape each creature, and resemble man; + I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass, + Nor leave the least impression where I pass; + Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt, + Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt, + Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night + You'll quickly find me out by candlelight. + Shadow. + + 'Twas whispered in Heaven, 'twas muttered in Hell, + And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell; + On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest, + And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed. + 'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder, + Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder. + 'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath, + Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death; + It presides o'er his happiness, honor, and health, + Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth. + In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found, + Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned. + In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care, + But is sure to be lost by his prodigal heir. + 'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear, + 'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear. + Without it the soldier and sailor may roam, + But woe to the wretch who expels it from home! + So in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower: + Oh, breathe on it softly, it dies in an hour! + The letter "H." + + +STORIES + +How do you punctuate the sentence, "I saw a five-dollar bill on the +street?" Make a dash after it. + +There was a carpenter who made a cupboard door; it proved too big. He +cut it, and unfortunately, he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it +again, and made it fit beautifully. How was this? He did not cut it +enough the first time. + +There are twelve birds in a covey. A hunter kills a brace, then how +many remain? None, for, unless they are idiots, they fly away. + +A one-eyed beggar bet a friend that he could see more with one eye +than his friend could with two. How was this? Because he saw his +friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one. + +A hunter and his dog went out hunting. The dog went not behind, went +not before, nor on one side of him. Where did he go? On the other +side. + +Which would you rather--look a greater fool than you are, or be a +greater fool than you look? (Let the person choose, then say, "That +is impossible.") + +Which would you rather--that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you +would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course. + +A man stopped before the window of a trunk store; within, a large +trunk was marked "$25.00," a medium-sized one "$15.00," and a small +one bore the placard, "This size for $5.00." "So do I," the man said, +and walked on. + +A man was crossing a bridge over a small stream, and noticed a sign +which read, "Don't fish here." "Do they?" he asked, and walked on. + + +AGE CONTEST + +What age will people reach if they live long enough? Dotage. + +To what age do most people look forward? Marriage. + +A necessary attribute of a soldier? Courage. + +What age is required at sea? Tonnage. + +What age are we forbidden to worship? Image. + +What age do people get stuck on? Mucilage. + +What age is neither more nor less? Average. + +What is the age of profanity? Damage. + +At what age will vessels ride safely? Anchorage. + +What age does the infant in arms pass through? Crib-bage. + +What age does the small boy enjoy? Sauce-age (sausage). + +What age is the young lady most interested in? Garb-age. + +What age does the child in primary school dislike? Ad(d)-age. + +What age does the bride desire? Dotage. + +What age is necessary for a clergyman? Parsonage. + +What is the age of communication? Postage. + +What age is most important to travelers? Mileage. + +What is the age of slavery? Bondage. + +What age is served for breakfast? Sausage. + +What is the most indigestible age? Cabbage. + +What age signifies the farmer? Tillage. + +What age belongs to travelers? Baggage. + +What age is an indication of wealth? Acreage. + +What age do milliners delight in? Plumage. + +What age is shared by a doctor and a lawyer? Patronage. + +What age is used in turkey stuffing? (S)age. + +What age do a number of people enjoy in common? Village. + + +ANT CONTEST + +What is the oldest ant? Adam-ant. + +What ant hires his home? Tenant. + +What ant is joyful? Jubilant. + +What ant is learned? Savant. + +What ant is well informed? Conversant. + +What ant is trustworthy? Confidant. + +What ant is proud? Arrogant. + +What ant sees things? Observant. + +What ant is angry? Indignant. + +What ant tells things? Informant. + +What ant is successful? Triumphant. + +What ant is an officer? Commandant. + +What ant is a beggar? Mendicant. + +What ant is obstinate? Defiant. + +What ant is youngest? Infant. + +What is the ruling ant? Dominant. + +What is the wandering ant? Errant. + +What ant lives in a house? Occupant. + +What ant points out things? Significant. + +What ant is prayerful? Supplicant. + + +CITY CONTEST + +What city is for few people? Scarcity. + + Happy people? Felicity. + + Hypocrites? Duplicity. + + Chauffeurs? Velocity. + + Truthful people? Veracity. + + Athletes? Elasticity. + + Greedy people? Voracity. + + Wild beasts? Ferocity. + + Home lovers? Domesticity. + + Actors? Publicity. + + Reporters? Audacity. + + Wise people? Sagacity. + + Hungry people? Capacity. + + Telegraph operators? Electricity. + + Crowds? Multiplicity. + + Nations? Reciprocity. + + Old people? Eccentricity. + + Beggars? Mendicity. + + Unhappy people? Infelicity. + + Office-seekers? Pertinacity. + + +THE END + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Handbook of Conundrums, by Edith B. 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