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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105,
+August 19th 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 19th 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36141]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOLUME 105, August 19TH 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. "BLAZY BILL; OR, THE BICYCLE CAD."
+
+AIR--"_Daisy Bell; or, a Bicycle made for Two._"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+"The churl in nature up and down" is perennial and ubiquitous. Like
+the god Vishnu, he has many avatars. Every new development of popular
+pastime (for instance) developes its own particular species of "Cad."
+LEECH'S "Galloping Snob" of a quarter of a century ago has been
+succeeded by that Jehu of the "Bike," the Cycling Cad, to whose
+endearing manners and customs in the Queen's highway, and elsewhere,
+the long-suffering pedestrian is persuaded a laggard Law will shortly
+have to find its attention urgently directed. _Mr. Punch_, who is of
+the same opinion, adapts Mr. HARRY DACRE'S popular song to what he is
+convinced will be a popular purpose.
+
+_Perturbed Pedestrian sings_:--
+
+  There is a fear within my heart,
+      BLAZY! BLAZY!
+  Planted one day with a demon dart.
+      Planted by BLAZY BILL.
+  Whether he'll kill me, or kill me not,
+      Smash me or only spill,
+  Little I know, but I'd give a lot
+      To be rescued from BLAZY BILL.
+
+  _Chorus_--
+
+  BLAZY! BLAZY!
+    Give me a chance, Sir, do!
+  I'm half crazy,
+    All for the fear of you.
+  You haven't a stylish way, Sir,
+  I can't admire that "blazer"
+      (Which you think sweet).
+      The curse of the street
+  Is the Bicycle Cad--like you!
+
+  You rattle along as though for your life,
+        BLAZY! BLAZY!
+  Pedalling madly, with mischief rife,
+        Blundering BLAZY BILL!
+  When the road's dark we need Argus sight,
+    Your bell and your lamp do nil
+  But dazzle our eyes and our ears affright,
+    Blustering BLAZY BILL!
+
+  _Chorus_--
+
+  BLAZY! BLAZY!
+    Bother your "biking" crew!
+  I'm half crazy,
+    All for sheer dread of you.
+  I can't afford a carriage,
+  If I walk--in Brixton or Harwich--
+      The curse of the street,
+      I am sure to meet
+  In a Bicycle Cad like you!
+
+  Why should we stand this wheel-bred woe?
+    BLAZY! BLAZY!
+  Yes, your vile bell you will ring, I know,
+    _Suddenly_, BLAZY BILL,
+  When you're close on my heels, and a trip I make,
+    And, unless I skedaddle with skill,
+  I'm over before you have put on the brake,
+    Half-fuddled BLAZY BILL!
+
+  _Chorus_--
+
+  BLAZY! BLAZY!
+    Turn up wild wheeling, do!
+  I'm half crazy,
+    All in blue funk of you.
+  The Galloping Snob was a curse, Sir,
+  But the Walloping Wheelman's a worser.
+    I'd subscribe my quid
+    To be thoroughly rid
+  Of all Bicycle Cads like you!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOOTING THE CHUTES.
+
+(_After Southey._)
+
+A VISION OF EARL'S COURT.
+
+            Here they go hurrying,
+            Up the steps scurrying,
+            Pushing and jostling,
+            Elbowing, hustling,
+  Squeezing and wheezing they rush to the top.
+            Puffing and panting,
+            Tearing and ranting,
+  (First-rate for Banting,) onward they climb.
+            Up on the landing,
+            Scarce room for standing,
+  Man is commanding, "There you must stop!
+            Don't cross the railing,
+            Keep to the paling;
+            Place for two more, Sirs,
+            Go on before, Sirs;
+  List to the roar, Sirs--ain't it sublime!
+      Tuck in the mackintosh,
+      Hold tight, Sir!" "Oh, what bosh!"
+            Side by side seated,
+            Breathless and heated,
+            Freezing and sneezing,
+            Down the Chute shooting,
+            Yelling and hooting,
+  'ARRY and 'ARRIET, Princess and Peer,
+  White man and black man and Injun to steer.
+  "_You're sure there's no danger?_" "There's nothing to fear."
+  "_Are babies admitted?_" "O no, mum, not 'ere."
+          And waving and raving,
+          And beaming and steaming,
+          And laughing and chaffing,
+          And thumping and bumping,
+          And plumping and jumping,
+          And spinning and grinning,
+          And chattering and clattering,
+  And blushing and gushing and rushing and flushing,
+  And bawling and sprawling and hauling and calling,
+  And foaming, bemoaning a bonnet dropped off,
+  Not hearing the jeering of people who scoff,
+  The peril of spilling delightfully thrilling,
+  Tho' incivil devil's instilling cavilling;
+  And screaming, not dreaming of being upset,
+  And splashing and dashing and dripping with wet,
+  And screeching and reaching for hat blown away,
+    Excited, affrighted, delighted, benighted,
+    And calling and bawling Hurrah and Hurray!
+  "And so never ending  but always descending
+  Sounds and motions for ever and ever are blending;"
+  All at once all is o'er, with a mighty uproar,
+  And drenched and bedraggled they land on the shore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"LETHE HAD PASSED HER LIPS."--Mrs. R. had often come across the name
+of this classic stream in the course of her reading. She pronounced
+it as one syllable, and said that "as this celebrated river was in
+Scotland--she knew the name quite well--what she wanted to know was,
+why weren't these waters bottled by a Company?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE SEASIDE CHURCH PARADE.
+
+(_A Conversation a la Mode._)
+
+_He._ So very glad to see you. (_Aside._) Hope she won't shut me up,
+she's so sharp!
+
+_She._ Quite pleased to have met. (_Aside._) Can't stand much of him,
+he's so stupid!
+
+_He._ I suppose when you were in town you went to the Academy?
+
+_She._ Yes, and saw all the pictures--and didn't like them.
+
+_He._ And went to the Opera?
+
+_She._ Yes, every night--and am tired of talking about it.
+
+_He._ And of course you went to Henley?
+
+_She._ Yes, and to the Eton and Harrow Match, and to Ascot, and to
+Wimbledon to see the Lawn Tennis finals.
+
+_He._ But perhaps you never went to the House of Commons?
+
+_She._ Oh, yes, I did--on the Terrace, and also to the Ladies'
+Gallery. The rows were most amusing--saw them all.
+
+_He._ And did you go to many parties?
+
+_She._ To every party of any consequence, and all the really nice
+dinners.
+
+_He._ Were you at the Royal Wedding?
+
+_She._ Oh, don't talk of that. The subject is quite exhausted. (_After
+a pause._) Pray, have you no conversation?
+
+_He._ Well, I don't know. I suppose you went to church this morning,
+and heard the Dean preach?
+
+_She._ Oh, I really must beg your pardon. If you can't find anything
+better to talk about on a Sunday than the points of a sermon you had
+far better say nothing at all.
+
+[_Scene closes in upon an unbroken silence._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: NEW KING COAL.
+
+    (_A new Mining-Capitalist Version of an old Nursery Rhyme,
+    dedicated and commended to the thoughtful consideration of the
+    colliers on strike in Northumberland and Durham._)]
+
+    [Putting it in the form of a conundrum, _Mr. Punch_ would ask
+    the Colliers who may read this rhyme the following question,
+    the answer to which may throw a light upon the meaning of New
+    King COAL'S jubilant doggerel ditty:--
+
+    "When prices rise--even in the midst of the Dog Days--and the
+    output of first-class coal falls, who reaps the advantage of
+    the enhanced value and readier sale of accumulated stocks of
+    small and slaggy 'rubbish'?"]
+
+  O our New King COAL
+  Is an artful old soul,
+    And an artful old soul is he;
+  And a jolly good Strike
+  Is a game he must like--
+    When it pulls in the L _s._ _d._
+  He calls for his "weed" and he calls for his "fizz,"
+    And he calls for his--Fiddle-de-dee!
+  Every fiddler has his own little fiddle,
+    And a very fine fiddle has he.
+
+  "L _s._ _d._, L _s._ _d._," sings King COAL, "Fiddle-de-dee!
+  Oh! an opportune Strike is the thing for me!"
+    O, there's none so rare
+    As can compare
+  With King COAL and _his_ Fiddle-de-dee!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AT GILDALL.
+
+Ah, wot a change has suddenly cum over the hold Copperation! From
+sitch recepshuns of Kings and Queens, and Princes and Princesses, and
+Royal Dooks and Dutchesses, and Zarrowitches and setterer, and all in
+their werry best clothes, too! as I never witnessed before nor since,
+to cum suddenly upon nuffin but Gog and Magog, is a strikin fac
+indeed. As the Rite onerabel Lord MARE werry propperly said, "Ah wot a
+fall is here my Country-men!"
+
+And what a blooming staggerer it was to finish off with the King and
+Queen of DENMARK! of all people in the World! Why I has allers been
+tort to bleeve, from what I have seen at the Play, that neether on em
+wornt not werry great things as regards behaviour to the poor _Prince
+Hamblet_, but BROWN says as that's all over long, long ago, and isn't
+to be spoke of no more, no, not for ever! and so we must drop it. I
+think, upon the hole, as I likes the PRINCE OF WALES the best of all
+on em, he does allers seem to enjy hisself so much.
+
+We had him in the City wunce at Church, and twice at Gildall to
+dinner, all in about a munth, and that ain't so bad for a near
+aparrent. And he does seem allers so much atome. Why I acshally
+overherd him say to our Blushing Town Clark, after dining the King of
+DENMARK, "How well you have dun it all, but you allers do it well at
+Gildall!"
+
+I wunder how many hundred sentries it will be before he says ditto to
+the Cheerman of the Country Counsel, poor feller! after sitch a dinner
+to sitch a company? Praps about another 700! ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN UNEARNED INCREMENT.
+
+_Our Irish Curate (persuasively)._ "NOW, DOCTOR DEAR, HERE 'S THE VERY
+THING. YE'VE BEEN GIVING A TENTH OF YOUR INCOME, LIKE A MAN. WELL,
+NOW, TIMES ARE BAD. DOUBLE IT, AND GIVE A TWENTIETH!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OFF AND ON.--She had been longing for a new dress. At last the extra
+money was saved, and she bought it. "It's off my mind now," she
+exclaimed, "and, which pleases me more, it's on my body."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.
+
+--The advertisement of an hotel in Germany concludes, after praising
+everything highly, with this sentence--"_Accomplished drinks,
+captivating meats._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRENCH TRANSLATION OF AN OLD PLAY CALLED "LOVE'S LAST SHIFT."--"_La
+derniere Chemise de l'Amour._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TOUR THAT NEVER WAS.
+
+(_By an Undecided Man._)
+
+  Between now and my holidays there but remain two solid days,
+    And thinking where I'll spend my "vac" has driven me wild with worry;
+  In vain have I surveyed acres of plans and maps and Baedekers,
+    And purchased a small library of "Handy Guides" of MURRAY.
+
+  Shall I, for want of better, say I'll view the Vierwaldstaettersee,
+    Or watch the Staubbach fall in mist like web of an arachnid?
+  Or else, the dawn to see, get up o'ernight upon the Righi-top--
+    But no, I feel that Joedel-land is now a trifle hackneyed!
+
+  For a flutter at _chemin-de-fer_ I might (the place is handy) fare
+    To Trouville, and along the _plage_ a "Milor" on the spree be;
+  I could in Teuton _musikshaus_ (till I of Wagner grew sick) souse
+    In "Hofbraeu," and essay to flirt with each _biergarten_ Hebe.
+
+  But then, if I to Norway turn, as Ibsenite I'd _more_ weight earn--
+    And salmon-fishing mid the Kvaens is certainly high-class sport;
+  Or rumble in a tarantass o'er Russia? No, an arrant ass
+    I were, to go where night and day you're badgered for your passport!
+
+  I'd like (my programme's large), a panoramic glimpse of far Japan
+    From Fuji, and round Biwa Lake I'd in a jinrickshaw go;
+  Or even--for a hasty bet--I'd (like Miss TAYLOR) pace Thibet,
+    Or "blue" my surplus cash at what the Yankees call "Shecawgo."
+
+  Look here! I'll have to sham a tour (though but a humble amatoor
+    At yarning), as this sort of thing is giving me the fidgets!
+  I'll--since I've eased my intellect by tripping thus in print--elect
+    To stay at home and twiddle (for the sake of rhyme) my digits!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PLACE FOR LAWN TENNIS.--"_Way down in Tennessee._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE TWO POTS.
+
+(_A Morality for Mammon._)
+
+  When Mammon in commerce has "made a big pot,"
+  He is free to "retire upon what he has got,"
+  And what need he care for the children of toil
+  Who have helped in their hundreds that "big pot" to boil?
+            Pot! Pot! Gushers talk rot;
+            But Demas "retires upon what he has got."
+
+  How did he get it, that pot full of gold?
+  That is a story that's yet to be told.
+  Children of Gibeon helped, 'tis well known,
+  At filling _his_ pot--barely boiling their own!
+            Pot! Pot! How to keep hot--
+            That is the problem--the poor man's pot!
+
+  Poor _pot-au-feu_! 'Tis to keep you a-boil
+  Hewers and Drawers so ceaselessly toil;
+  But when they've filled Wealth's big pot full of gold,
+  What does he care if _their_ pot becomes cold.
+            Pot! Pot! Let the poor go--_to_ pot.
+            Mammon--"retires upon what he has got!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MRS. R.--She is very tender-hearted. "Of course," she says, "it's very
+nice of what they call 'The Forsters' parents--though why 'Forster' I
+don't know. But certainly, even when they're brought up as one of the
+family of the Forsters, yet it does make me feel very sad when I see
+an adapted child."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MORAL AND SOCIAL QUERIES.--When a man has lost his own character, is
+he justified in taking away anybody else's? At a party if somebody has
+taken away your hat, aren't you justified in taking somebody else's?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES.
+
+(_By Cunnin Toil._)
+
+No. II.--THE DUKE'S FEATHER.
+
+Two months had passed without my hearing a word of HOLES. I knew he
+had been summoned to Irkoutsk by the CZAR of Russia in order to help
+in investigating the extraordinary theft of one of the Government
+silver mines, which had completely and mysteriously disappeared in
+one night. All the best intellects of the terrible secret police, the
+third section of the Government of the Russian Empire, had exhausted
+themselves in the vain endeavour to probe this mystery to the bottom.
+Their failure had produced a dangerous commotion in the Empire of the
+CZAR; there were rumours of a vast Nihilist plot, which was to shake
+the Autocracy to its foundations, and, as a last resource, the CZAR,
+who had been introduced to HOLES by OLGA FIASKOFFSKAIA, the well-known
+Russian Secret Agent at the Court of Lisbon, had appealed to the
+famous detective to lend his aid in discovering the authors of a crime
+which was beginning to turn the great white CZAR into ridicule in all
+the bazaars of Central Asia. HOLES, whose great mind had been lying
+fallow for some little time, had immediately consented; and the last
+I had seen of him was two months before the period at which this story
+opens, when I had said good-bye to him at Charing-Cross Station.
+
+As for myself, I was spending a week in a farmhouse situated close to
+the village of Blobley-in-the-Marsh. Three miles from the gates of the
+farmhouse lay Fourcastle Towers, the ancestral mansion of Rear-Admiral
+the Duke of DUMPSHIRE, the largest and strangest landowner of the
+surrounding district. I had a nodding acquaintance with His Grace,
+whom I had once attended for scarlatina when he was a midshipman.
+Since that time, however, I had seen very little of him, and, to tell
+the truth, I had made no great effort to improve the acquaintance. The
+Duke, one of the haughtiest members of our blue-blooded aristocracy,
+had been called by his naval duties to all parts of the habitable
+globe; I had steadily pursued my medical studies, and, except for the
+biennial visit which etiquette demanded, I had seen little or nothing
+of the Duke. My stay at the farmhouse was for purposes of rest. I had
+been overworked, that old tulwar wound, the only memento of the Afghan
+Campaign, had been troubling me, and I was glad to be able to throw
+off my cares and my black coat, and to revel for a week in the rustic
+and unconventional simplicity of Wurzelby Farm.
+
+One evening, two days after my arrival, I was sitting in the kitchen
+close to the fire, which, like myself, was smoking. For greater
+comfort I had put on my old mess-jacket. The winter wind was whistling
+outside, but besides that only the ticking of the kitchen clock
+disturbed my meditations. I was just thinking how I should begin my
+article on Modern Medicine for the _Fortnightly Review_, when a slight
+cough at my elbow caused me to turn round. Beside me stood PICKLOCK
+HOLES, wrapped in a heavy, close-fitting fur _moujik_. He was the
+first to speak.
+
+[Illustration: "Beside me stood Picklock Holes, wrapped in a heavy,
+close-fitting fur _moujik_."]
+
+"You seem surprised to see me," he said. "Well, perhaps that is
+natural; but really, my dear fellow, you might employ your time to
+better purpose than in trying to guess the number of words in the
+first leading article in the _Times_ of the day before yesterday."
+
+I was about to protest when he stopped me.
+
+"I know perfectly well what you are going to say, but it is useless
+to urge that the country is dull, and that a man must employ his brain
+somehow. That kind of employment is the merest wool-gathering."
+
+He plucked a small piece of Berlin worsted--I had been darning my
+socks--off my left trouser, and examined it curiously. My admiration
+for the man knew no bounds.
+
+"Is that how you know?" I asked. "Do you mean to tell me that merely
+by seeing that small piece of fancy wool on my trousers you guessed
+I had been trying to calculate the number of words in the _Times_
+leader? HOLES, HOLES, will you never cease from astounding me?"
+
+He did not answer me, but bared his muscular arm and injected into it
+a strong dose of morphia with a richly-chased little gold instrument
+tipped with a ruby.
+
+"A gift from the CZAR," said HOLES, in answer to my unspoken thoughts.
+"When I discovered the missing silver-mine on board the yacht of
+the Grand Duke IVANOFF, his Imperial Majesty first offered me the
+Chancellorship of his dominions, but I begged him to excuse me, and
+asked for this pretty toy. Bah, the Russian police are bunglers."
+
+As he made this remark the door opened and Sergeant BLUFF of the
+Dumpshire Constabulary entered hurriedly.
+
+"I beg your pardon, Sir," he said, addressing me, with evident
+perturbation; "but would you step outside with me for a moment.
+There's been some strange work down at----"
+
+HOLES interrupted him.
+
+"Don't say any more," he broke in. "You've come to tell us about the
+dreadful poaching affray in Hagley Wood. I know all about it, and
+tired as I am I'll help you to find the criminals."
+
+It was amusing to watch the Sergeant's face. He was ordinarily
+an unemotional man, but as HOLES spoke to him he grew purple with
+astonishment.
+
+"Beggin' your pardon, Sir," he said; "I didn't know about no----"
+
+"My name is HOLES," said my friend calmly.
+
+"What, Mr. PICKLOCK HOLES, the famous detective?"
+
+"The same, at your service; but we are wasting time. Let us be off."
+
+The night was cold, and a few drops of rain were falling. As we walked
+along the lane HOLES drew from the Sergeant all the information he
+wanted as to the number of pheasants on the Duke's estate, the extent
+of his cellars, his rent-roll, and the name of his London tailor.
+BLUFF dropped behind after this cross-examination with a puzzled
+expression, and whispered to me:
+
+"A wonderful man that Mister HOLES. Now how did he know about this
+'ere poaching business? _I_ knew nothing about it. Why I come to you,
+Sir, to talk about that retriever dog you lost."
+
+"Hush," I said; "say nothing. It would only annoy HOLES, and interfere
+with his inductions. He knows his own business best." Sergeant BLUFF
+gave a grumbling assent, and in another moment we entered the great
+gate of Fourcastle Towers, and were ushered into the hall, where the
+Duke was waiting to receive us.
+
+"To what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?" said his Grace,
+with all the courtly politeness of one in whose veins ran the blood
+of the Crusaders. Then, changing his tone, he spoke in fierce
+sailor-language: "Shiver my timbers! what makes you three stand there
+like that? Why, blank my eyes, you ought to----" What he was going to
+say will never be known, for HOLES dashed forward.
+
+"Silence, Duke," he said, sternly. "We come to tell you that there
+has been a desperate poaching affray. The leader of the gang lies
+insensible in Hagley Wood. Do you wish to know who he was?" So saying,
+he held up to the now terrified eyes of the Duke the tail-feather of
+a golden pheasant. "I found it in his waistcoat pocket," he said,
+simply.
+
+"My son, my son!" shrieked the unfortunate Duke. "Oh ALURED, ALURED,
+that it should have come to this!" and he fell to the floor in
+convulsions.
+
+"You will find Earl MOUNTRAVERS at the cross-roads in Hagley Wood,"
+said HOLES to the Sergeant. "He is insensible."
+
+The Earl was convicted at the following Assizes, and sentenced to a
+long term of penal servitude. His ducal father has never recovered
+from the disgrace. HOLES, as usual, made light of the matter and of
+his own share in it.
+
+"I met the Earl," he told me afterwards, "as I was walking to your
+farmhouse. When he ventured to doubt one of my stories, I felled him
+to the earth. The rest was easy enough. Poachers? Oh dear no, there
+were none. But it is precisely in these cases that ingenuity comes
+in."
+
+"HOLES," I said, "I admire you more and more every day."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOKE FOR JOKE.--A ruffian at Walsall, "for a joke," dropped a little
+boy over the bridge into the river. The inhabitants of that town took
+the cowardly brute to the same bridge, and dropped him over in the
+same place. Bravo men (and women) of Walsall! If the _lex talionis_,
+in the same spirit of impartial jocularity, could be applied as
+efficaciously to _all_ "practical jokers," civilised Society might
+soon be rid of one of its most intolerable pests.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"So much depends on _how you take things_," as the thief remarked
+after a dexterous performance while the policeman's back was turned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF A COMIC BALLET D'ACTION.--"Too funny for words."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS.
+
+No. II.--THE MOSQUITO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  I am a restless Mosquito,
+  Well hated by the world, I know,
+    For faults that are not mine;
+  I bite to live (some live to bite),
+  I sting from sheer necessity, not spite,--
+    I would my lot were thine.
+
+  I'd take thy bites, you'd love my sting,
+  And bear the petty pains they bring
+    Just like a Hindoo Saint;
+  I would not blame you, 'bottle fly,
+  You have to live the same as I--
+    A beauty without paint.
+
+  We cannot all be butterflies,
+  Or larks that carol in the skies,--
+    Take life for what it's worth;
+  We've all our wretched aches and pains,
+  Our losses now--and now our gains--
+    A little while on earth.
+
+  And when we get our final call--
+  Mosquito, pole-cat, skunk, and all
+    The vermin meek or bold--
+  We shall not for the verdict quake,
+  We've lived our lives for Nature's sake,
+    And done what we were told.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS.
+
+MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that some of your contemporaries have got
+up a "Press Band" which plays on the Thames Embankment between one and
+two o'clock every day (save Saturday) for the benefit of compositors
+out for their dinner-hour. I must confess that I think the idea
+excellent, but could it not be extended? A newspaper consists of more
+than "setters up at case." Could not some entertainment be
+contrived for the amusement of editors, theatrical critics, and city
+correspondents?
+
+For instance, there are generally a number of ladies and gentlemen
+hanging about Fleet Street in the vain hope of obtaining interviews
+with the powers that are in the world journalistic. A really talented
+would-be contributor (especially if a lady) might "get at" an editor
+when he was most at his ease and least on his guard.
+
+I will suppose that the _Redacteur en chef of the Imperial Universe_
+is seated beside the Fountain in the Temple, quietly smoking his
+cigar. The authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" (adapted from the original
+Norwegian) may see the Editor from afar off, and come dancing towards
+him with the airy gaiety of a _Morgiana_. She executes a _pas de
+fascination_, and, when he is completely captivated by the exquisite
+grace of her movements, causes him to seize a bundle of MS. When she
+has retired, and the Editor gradually resumes his normal composure,
+he discovers that the authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" has left him an
+article upon "Voyages to the North Pole." Subjugated by the poetry of
+motion, and further moved (almost to tears) by the soft, sweet strains
+of the Press Band, he reads the contribution, and accepts it.
+
+Then recreation, combined with instruction, might be found for special
+correspondents by erecting steam roundabouts on the Thames Embankment.
+The "special" might mount his wooden steed, and career round and round
+until he has done a good twenty miles. Then he would be prepared to
+give his experiences, which should (if written in the proper spirit)
+be of exceptional value as "copy."
+
+A thousand details will occur to those who take an interest in the
+matter, and may be filled in at leisure. I merely throw out the idea,
+leaving its development to others more worthy of the task than one who
+signs himself, in all humility, A PEN PLUS A LYRE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  You who look, at home, so charming--
+    Angel, goddess, nothing less--
+  Do you know you're quite alarming
+                  In that dress?
+
+  Such a garb should be forbidden;
+    Where's the grace an artist loves?
+  Think of dainty fingers hidden
+                  In those gloves!
+
+  Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them,
+    Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks,
+  Thick! And yet you often tear them
+                 With that axe!
+
+  Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny--
+    Greet them with derisive boots--
+  Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny!
+                 Oh, those boots!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  O "Englishman in Paris," do not think
+    That I refer to your amusing book;
+  I write of those who do not care "a tinker's
+                          cuss" for look!
+
+  Not you who dress in Paris as at home,
+    Because the Frenchman is as good as you,
+  Top-hat, frock-coat--in fact do all in Rome
+                          As Rome would do.
+
+  But you, attired in such eccentric ways,
+    Who travelled here with tickets which you took
+  Perhaps from enterprising Mr. GAZE,
+                         Or Mr. COOK.
+
+  And from some stupid, slow, suburban spot,
+    Or prim provincial parish, come arrayed
+  In clothes which your own gardener would not
+                         Wear for his trade.
+
+  Oh why offend the Frenchman's cultured sight
+    With such a 'ARRY'S outin' sort of air?
+  Do you consider knickerbockers quite
+                         The thing to wear?
+
+  The Frenchman, just as sensible as we,
+    Calls "toppers" hateful, horrid, heavy, hot;
+  In Paris, as in London, still you see
+                         The chimney-pot.
+
+  A linen collar hygiene abhors.
+    And yet he wears it. You don't care a rap;
+  You sport your flannel-shirt, and, out of doors,
+                         Your tourist cap.
+
+  Magnificent contempt for foreign lands!
+    "Frog-eating Frenchy dress!" you say, and smile,
+  "He imitates, but never understands
+                         True London style."
+
+  Unconquered Briton, you are right no doubt!
+    Descendant of the woad-clad ones, that's true!
+  And yet he never imitates a lout,
+                         A cad, like you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HER PARLIAMENTARY KNOWLEDGE.--Mrs. R. is an intelligent student of the
+Parliamentary Reports in the _Times_. On Tuesday, in last week, her
+niece read this aloud--"8.30. _On the return of the SPEAKER, after the
+usual interval_"---- "That," observed the worthy lady, interrupting,
+explaining it to her niece, "is the interval allowed for
+refreshment--ten minutes I believe,--go on, my dear." Then her niece
+continued--"_Sir T. LEA, who was interrupted by a count_"---- "Stop,
+my dear!" exclaimed our old friend, indignantly. "What I want to know
+is, how did that Count come there? Was he in the Strangers' Gallery?
+And if he interrupted why wasn't he at once turned out of the House?
+On second thoughts," she added, "he must have been a foreigner, and so
+they made some excuse for him."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN.
+
+_Country House Hostess._ "SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, MR. VANDYKE! I'M
+AFRAID YOU'LL FIND US RATHER DULL. WE'RE QUITE A SMALL PARTY!" _Mr.
+Vandyke._ "OH NO. I SHALL BE OUT NEARLY ALL DAY, YOU KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A SAIL! A SAIL!"
+
+(_Extracts from a New (Parliamentary) Version of "The Rime of the
+Ancient Mariner._")
+
+    [Sidenote: An Ancient Mariner meeteth a sorely-pressed M.P.
+    hurrying to a Division, and stoppeth him.]
+
+  It is an Ancient Mariner,
+    And he stoppeth an M.P.
+  "By thy scant white hair and glittering eye,
+    Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?
+
+  "The lobby doors are open wide,
+    And if I don't get in,
+  But give the slip to our stern Whip,
+    Just won't there be a din!"
+
+  He holds him with his skinny hand.
+    "There was a Ship!" quoth he.
+  The Member pressed he beat his breast,
+    Suppressing a big, big D!
+
+    [Sidenote: The sorely-pressed M.P. is spell-bound by the eye
+    of the Grand Old Seafaring Man, and constrained to hear his
+    tale.]
+
+  He holds him with his glittering eye;
+    The Member pressed stands still.
+  And listens, though exceeding wild--
+    The Mariner hath his will.
+
+  The Member pressed sits on a post,
+    He cannot choose but hear;
+  And thus speaks out that Grand Old Man,
+    The bright-eyed Mariner--
+
+    [Sidenote: The Mariner tells how the good ship _H.M.
+    Government_ sailed for Ireland with a good wind and fair
+    weather till she reached a certain Line.]
+
+  The Ship was cheered, the harbour cleared,
+    Merrily did we drop,
+  Laden with many a blessed Bill
+    From kelson to orlop,
+
+  The Sun of hope had left the left,
+    Out in the cold they be.
+  But it shone bright on the (SPEAKER'S) right
+    When we put forth to sea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Sidenote: Where the Ship is driven by a storm (of Opposition)
+    toward the Poll.]
+
+  And now the Storm-blast came, and he
+    Was tyrannous and strong.
+  He struck with his opposing wings,
+    And set our course all wrong.
+
+  With sloping masts and dipping prow,
+  As who pursued with yell and blow
+  Still treads the coat-tail of his foe
+    And feeleth for his head,
+  The Ship drove fast, loud roared the blast,
+    And Winterward we fled.
+
+    [Sidenote: Till a great lolloping, hindering, inopportune
+    sea-bird, called the Albatross, came through the snow-fog, and
+    was received with great joy and hospitality--by our opponents.
+
+    And lo! the Albatross proveth a bird of ill-omen, impeding the
+    progress of the Ship in most aggravating fashion.]
+
+  At length did cross an Albatross:
+    Through fog and frost it came;
+  A noisy, rude, Obstructive bird;
+    Devoid of sense or shame.
+
+  Day after day it blocked our way,
+    As round and round it flew.
+  In spite of it, by patient wit,
+    Our helmsman steered us through.
+
+  When a fair wind sprang up behind,
+    The Albatross did follow,
+  And every day hindered our way,
+    Despite the Mariner's hollo!
+
+  In mist or cloud it strove to shroud
+    Our course athwart the brine,
+  Night after night it led to fight,
+    And kicking up of shine.
+
+    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner incontinently killeth the bird
+    of ill-omen.]
+
+  "God help thee, Ancient Mariner!
+    From the fiends that plague thee thus!
+  What did'st thou do?" With my closure-bow
+    _I shot the Albatross!!!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Sidenote: When the fog cleared his shipmates justified the
+    same, and thus make themselves accomplices therein.]
+
+  Now round and red, like a Scotchman's head,
+    The glorious Sun uprist:
+  Then all averred I had killed the bird
+    That brought the fog and mist.
+  'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay
+    That brought the fog and mist.
+
+    [Sidenote: The fair breeze continues; the Ship enters the Sea
+    of Silence by the Straits of Gag.]
+
+  The fair breeze blew, the gag-saved crew,
+    Were from Obstruction free;
+  We were the first that ever burst
+    Into that _silent sea_!
+
+[Illustration: "A SAIL! A SAIL!"
+
+("_The Rime of the Ancient Mariner._")]
+
+    [Sidenote: The Ship is suddenly becalmed, and findeth that
+    enforced silence means not peaceful progress.]
+
+  Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down,
+    'Twas sad as sad could be;
+  With flopping sail of what avail
+    The silence of the sea?
+
+  Day after day, day after day,
+    We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
+  As idle as a painted ship
+    Upon a painted ocean.
+
+    [Sidenote: The Spirit of Obstruction had followed in
+    spook-like silent, sub-marine secrecy.]
+
+  And some in dreams assured were
+    Of the spirit that plagued us so;
+  Nine fathom deep he had followed us,
+    From the land of mist and snow.
+
+  If this be so, my shipmates said,
+    What use that bird to shoot?
+  We make no way, no more than if
+    We were shackled hand and foot.
+
+    [Sidenote: The shipmates, in their sore distress, are tempted
+    to throw the blame on the Ancient Mariner.]
+
+  Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks
+    Had I from old and young!
+  My gain seemed loss, the Albatross
+    Around my neck was hung.
+
+
+II.
+
+    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner beholdeth a long-hoped-for sign
+    in the element afar off.]
+
+  There passed a weary time. Each throat
+    Was parched, and glazed each eye.
+  A weary time! a dreary time!
+    (Devoted to "Supply,")
+  When, looking westward, I beheld
+    A Something in the sky!
+
+    [Sidenote: It groweth and assumeth substantial shape.]
+
+  At first it seemed a little speck,
+    And then it seemed a mist:
+  It moved, and moved, and took at last
+    A certain shape, I wist.
+
+  A speck, a mist, a shape I wist!
+    And still it neared and neared:
+  As if it dodged some awkward question
+    It plunged, and tacked, and veered.
+
+    [Sidenote: At its nearer approach it seemeth to him to be a
+    ship, bearing the hopeful name of _Autumn Session_.]
+
+  With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
+    We scarce could laugh or wail;
+  Through utter drought all dumb we stood!
+  I bit my tongue--it did me good--
+    And cried "A Sail! A Sail!!!"
+
+    [Sidenote: A flash of joy among his shipmates,]
+
+  With throats unslaked, with black lips baked,
+    Agape they heard me call.
+  Gramercy! They for joy did grin,
+  And all at once their breath drew in,
+    As they were whistling all.
+
+    [Sidenote: And of anger amidst their foes.]
+
+  Our fierce foes' faces went aflame,
+    They felt that they were done!
+  Their thoughts were of the western main,
+    Of moor, and dog, and gun,
+  When that strange shape drave suddenly
+    Betwixt us and the Sun.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner postponeth the sequel of his
+    strange story to a more convenient occasion.]
+
+  _Ah, Member pressed, I'll leave the rest
+    Until--say next December!
+  Whether that Sail did bring us aid,
+  Or with my shipmate's wishes played;
+  Whether it made them welcome Autumn,
+  Or Tales of Hope to question taught 'em;
+  Whether (as spook) that Albatross
+  Appeared again our path to cross;
+  If it portended gain or loss
+  (Uncertain these, as pitch-and-toss!)
+  I'll tell you when again we meet,
+  On this same post, in this same street--
+    Oh, Member pressed--remember!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: JUSTIFIABLE DECEPTION.
+
+_Nervous Old Party (who has been making himself rather a nuisance all
+the way)._ "A--A--SURELY, MY DEAR SIR, THIS GALLOPING UP THESE HILLS
+IS EXTREMELY A--A--TO SAY THE LEAST, RECKLESS!"
+
+_Jack Highflyer (Proprietor and Coachman, who has been spirting
+his Team up several short rises)._ "GALLOP! CALL THIS GALLOPING? BY
+GEORGE, JUST YOU WAIT TILL RETURN STAGE--SEE ME GO DOWN 'EM! GREASED
+LIGHTNING A FOOL TO IT!"
+
+[_Result as desired. Old Gentleman clears out shortly, for purpose of
+writing to "Times," and so makes way for Fair Passenger behind._]
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BRITISH ATHLETE'S VADE-MECUM.
+
+_Question._ What is the _specialite_ of a Briton?
+
+_Answer._ That given him by belonging to a race of born athletes.
+
+_Q._ Can any member of the human family outside the British Isles do
+anything in the shape of sport?
+
+_A._ Only imperfectly. However, Australians are good at cricket, and
+Americans have been known to adequately train racehorses.
+
+_Q._ Can you give any reason for their partial success?
+
+_A._ Yes. Australians are our first-cousins, and Americans our
+first-cousins once removed.
+
+_Q._ Then you consider them of the same stock as the true Briton?
+
+_A._ Quite so. Hence their prowess in the field.
+
+_Q._ What do you think of foreigners?
+
+_A._ That they are typified by "Moosoo."
+
+_Q._ When you speak of "Moosoo," to whom do you refer?
+
+_A._ To the average French duffer, who has about as much knowledge of
+sport as a baby in arms.
+
+_Q._ Are all foreigners duffers?
+
+_A._ All; without exception.
+
+_Q._ How do they go out shooting?
+
+_A._ With a horn, a _couteau de chasse_, a toy game-bag, and a
+decorated poodle.
+
+_Q._ Can they row at all?
+
+_A._ Not seriously. They can paddle a little, but have no more idea of
+pulling than the man in the moon.
+
+_Q._ And yet, did not a Paris crew beat a Thames Eight, on the Seine,
+early in the present year?
+
+_A._ Yes; but that was because there was some good reason or other for
+the English defeat.
+
+_Q._ It could not have been, of course, because the French Eight was
+better than their visitors?
+
+_A._ Certainly not.
+
+_Q._ But is not that the view you would adopt if you were dealing with
+two English crews?
+
+_A._ Why, certainly; but this was a race between Britons and
+Frenchman, and the former could not naturally be beaten by the latter
+on their own merits.
+
+_Q._ Why not?
+
+_A._ Because, as a matter of fact, they couldn't.
+
+_Q._ And so your opinion of the superiority of Britons over foreigners
+is unalterable?
+
+_A._ Of course. I should not be a Briton if it were not so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT.
+
+_Genial Youth._ "I SAY, GUBBY, OLD CHAP, IS THIS REALLY TRUE ABOUT
+YOUR GOING TO MARRY MY SISTER EDIE?"
+
+_Gubbins._ "YES, TOMMY. IT'S ALL SETTLED. BUT WHY DO YOU ASK?"
+
+_G. Y._ "OH! ONLY BECAUSE I SHALL HAVE SUCH A JOLLY SLACK TIME NOW!
+YOU KNOW _I'VE_ PULLED OFF NEARLY ALL HER ENGAGEMENTS SO FAR, ONLY
+YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE WHO'S BEEN A _REAL STAYER_!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DECAYED INDUSTRY.
+
+(_From the Note-book of Our Prophet-Reporter._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+The HOME SECRETARY was seated in his room awaiting the arrival of the
+Deputation:--
+
+"Well, I suppose I was right to allow them to interview me," he
+murmured. "The submerged Tenth have not the franchise to-day. Ah! but
+they may have it to-morrow!"
+
+The HOME SECRETARY'S exclamation was caused by the appearance of a
+number of half-starved ragamuffins, who had lounged into the room, and
+were now standing respectfully before him.
+
+"Beg pardon, Sir," said the spokesman of this strange-looking
+deputation, "but are you the 'OME SECKKERTERRY?"
+
+"That is my position," replied the Cabinet Minister. "And now that you
+are here, what do you want?"
+
+"Well, Guv'nor, truth to tell, we are out of employment. Our trade has
+gone to the dogs. Our business wos a removin' of superfluous cash from
+the pockets of the more inattentive of the public."
+
+"Burglars!" exclaimed the HOME SECRETARY, in some alarm, and he
+hastily approached the handle of the bell communicating with the
+Messenger's Room.
+
+"Stow it!" cried the spokesman roughly, then hurriedly lowering his
+tone, he apologised, and said he spoke from force of habit. "Twenty
+years ago our purfession was worth something. We could make a tidy
+living out of silk pocket-handkerchiefs, and sich like. But nowadays
+it's all changed. It wants capital, Guv'nor; that's where it is, it
+wants capital!"
+
+"What wants capital?" queried the Minister.
+
+"Why, our purfession, to be sure. Nowadays everythink's done on
+scientific principals. A burglar must know something of chemistry,
+and be up in things generally. Besides, all the real good things are
+worked by syndicates. Unless you can put in a 'underd pounds or so,
+why, you are nowhere. What are we to do?"
+
+The HOME SECRETARY sat in deep thought.
+
+"Look 'ere, Guv'nor," continued the spokesman, "'ere's a noshun. As we
+can't afford to be thieves, and haven't sufficient education to become
+burglars, why shouldn't we assist the Civil Power? Make us Peelers,
+Sir, you know--Coppers."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A month later the Police received some new recruits, and the title of
+the Force was officially changed to "The Unemployed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, August 7._--House brisked up to-day on
+approaching Report Stage Home-Rule Bill; over three hundred Members
+present, including JOSEPH, fresh from Birmingham; on whole, a
+melancholy gathering. At outset every appearance of collapse.
+Influence of Bank Holiday over it all. Ministers who should have been
+in places to answer questions not arrived. Worse still when Home-Rule
+Bill reached, and new Clauses called on. Turned out PRINCE ARTHUR was
+still dallying at Dulwich, HENEAGE 'appy at 'Ampstead, WOLMER tarrying
+by the giddy swing on Peckham Rye. BARTLEY, ever ready to sacrifice
+himself in interests of Empire, proposed to move new Clauses for
+absentees, but SPEAKER wouldn't have it; so passed on to PARKER SMITH.
+P. S., as sometimes happens in correspondence, proved most important
+part of letter. He had quite a cluster of Clauses; moved them in
+succession through long and dreary night.
+
+[Illustration: HOLIDAY TIME--AS SHOWN BY MEMBERS' DRESS IN THE HOUSE.]
+
+Incidentally provided TIM HEALY with opportunity for making speech
+quite in old (of late unfamiliar) form. One of P. S.'s clauses
+designed for appointment of Boundary Commissioners, with view of
+what T. W. RUSSELL described as "ojus jerrymandering." TIM declared
+that scheme proposed by Bill would give Unionists a much larger
+representation than they were entitled to, leaving them, with
+exception of disfranchisement of Dublin University, in very much same
+numbers as they now stand. Demonstrating this, TIM cited in detail
+the constituencies affected. Totted them up to reach the total he had
+affirmed--certainly eighteen, possibly twenty-one.
+
+"There's Armagh two," he said, "and Antrim four. Four and two are
+six," he added, turning with defiant look upon the placid figure of
+T. W. RUSSELL. Paused for a moment to give full opportunity for anyone
+getting up to deny this proposition. No response; TIM proceeded; "Very
+well, six. There's Belfast four. Six and four are ten!" he shouted
+triumphantly, looking across at JOSEPH. "Very well, ten," he added, in
+low growl; evidently disappointed at lack of spirit in camp opposite.
+"Down--North, East and West Down you'll have, I suppose? That's three.
+Three and ten's thirteen. Thirteen!" he shouted, turning with quick
+flush of hope in direction of seat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH. But Colonel
+not there. In fact not been seen in House since he went out after the
+great fight, holding bunch of keys to his bruised cheek.
+
+Things looking desperate; still TIM plodded on. Surely age of
+chivalry not so finally gone that there was not left in an Irish bosom
+sufficient courage to deny to a political adversary that two and two
+made four? Perhaps TIM had been piling on the units too high. He would
+continue on a lower scale. "Very well, that's thirteen. Now North
+Fermanagh's one. Thirteen and one's fourteen." No pen can describe the
+acrimony TIM threw into this proposition. Still the craven blood did
+not stir. "Londonderry, North, South, and City--I suppose you expect
+to collar them all? That's three; fourteen and three are seventeen."
+
+It was terrible. The SPEAKER, fearing bloodshed, interposed, ruling
+TIM out of order; only just in time. One could see by flush on
+MACARTNEY'S cheek that one step more would have been fatal, and that
+the proposition "Seventeen and two are nineteen" would have led to
+outbreak beside which the "regrettable incident" would have been
+meretriciously mild.
+
+_Business done._--Took up Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill.
+
+[Illustration: "Bimetallism."]
+
+_Tuesday._--The Squires had regular set-to to-night. He of Blankney
+began it; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, never loath for a tussle, cheerfully
+stepping into the ring. Order of the day was Report Stage of Home-Rule
+Bill. Members, though in languid mood, prepared once more to tread the
+dreary round, to pass a summer night
+
+  In dropping buckets into empty wells,
+  And growing old in drawing nothing up.
+
+SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY ordered matters otherwise. Has for some time had by
+him paper on Bimetallism, which he desired to read to House. Thought
+event might have come off on Vote on Account; ruled out of order;
+would fit in equally well on Indian Budget. But when will Indian
+Budget be taken? GORST and Echo answer "When?" SQUIRE, whilst willing
+to sacrifice all personal considerations on the altar of public
+interest, feels that duty to his Queen and country call him away for
+an interval of rest. He might leave his paper for DICKY TEMPLE to
+read; or he might have it printed and circulated with the votes.
+Whilst pondering on these alternatives, happy thought came to him.
+Why not move adjournment of House, and so work off speech? Of course
+wouldn't do to put the matter bluntly, and "ask leave to move the
+adjournment for the purpose of discussing a definite matter of urgent
+public importance, namely, HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire to get out of town."
+But for "HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire," &c., substitute "the closing of the
+Indian mints to the free coinage of silver," and there you are.
+
+[Illustration: The Government Humorist.]
+
+There we were indeed. Opposition didn't show up with the enthusiasm
+that might have been expected in such a cause. Question was indeed
+raised whether the necessary forty Members had risen to support
+application for leave. SPEAKER said it was all right, so SQUIRE OF
+BLANKNEY brought out his treasured manuscript and reeled off his
+speech. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD exceedingly angry that he should have
+occupied nearly an hour for the purpose. So angry that he took almost
+precisely same time in replying. Drew a lurid picture of the other
+Squire going about "endeavouring to make mischief in Hindustan." The
+poor SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY! No such fell design had filled his manly
+breast. He was guilty of no more direful purpose than that of availing
+himself of forms of the House to read a paper on Bimetallism prepared
+for a lapsed occasion, which might have been out of date had he
+kept it in his drawer till he came back from his holiday. It led to
+appropriation of four hours of the sitting; but if they had not been
+wasted in this way, they would have been squandered in some other,
+and House would have lost spectacle of this set-to between the MALWOOD
+MAULER and the BLANKNEY PET.
+
+_Business done._--None to speak of.
+
+_Thursday._--Seems BRODRICK didn't say at Farnham those naughty things
+about Mr. G. 'Tis true he had referred to failure of a popular local
+donkey to win a race owing to increasing infirmities, adding "it is
+quite time some of us should be turned out to grass." But he was not
+thinking of Mr. G. Of whom then was the Young Man thinking? Could it
+have been ----? But no, a thousand times no.
+
+Certainly nothing in Mr. G.'s appearance to-night suggestive of desire
+or necessity for knocking-off work. Others may tire and turn fondly to
+contemplation of moor, river, or sea. Mr. G. thinks there's no place
+like London in mid-August, no scene so healthful or invigorating
+as House of Commons. Plunged in to-night on one of the interminable
+Amendments. A difficult job in hand. Had to accept Amendment which
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL and ATTORNEY-GENERAL had an hour earlier been put up
+to show was impossible. Began by pummelling PRINCE ARTHUR; proceeded
+to make little of HENRY JAMES; turned aside to pink JOSEPH with
+sarcastic reference to inveterate love with which he is cherished in
+the bosom of his new friends the Tories; finished by throwing over
+ATTORNEY-GENERAL with grace and dexterity that made experience
+rather pleasant than otherwise; and at a quarter to eight accepted an
+Amendment that had been moved at a quarter to six.
+
+It was in conversation round this Debate that SOLICITOR-GENERAL,
+accused by CARSON of knowing all about a certain point of law,
+delighted House by taking off wig, pitching it ceiling-high, deftly
+catching it, and observing with a wink at SPEAKER, "No, I'm hanged if
+I do."
+
+_Business done._--Report Stage Home-Rule Bill.
+
+_Friday Night._--Grouse to-morrow, Home-Rule Bill to-night. As
+BORTHWICK says, Home-Rule Bill is like partridge, at least to this
+extent, that, in course of a few months, its daily appearance on the
+table leads to sensation of palled palate. Truly, _toujours perdrix_
+is endurable by comparison with Always Home Rule. Members who remain
+bear up pretty bravely, but glance wistfully at the door through which
+have disappeared so many friends and companions dear, bound Northward.
+The holiday, even when it comes for us--the mere residuum, tasting
+grouse only from the bounty of our friends, who are not dead but gone
+before--will be but an interval in a prodigiously long Session.
+"I suppose you find the Autumn Session very popular," I said
+to MARJORIBANKS, who still wears a smile. "Yes," he said; "more
+especially with Members who have paired up to Christmas."
+
+_Business done._--Still harping on Home Rule.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 73: 'break' corrected to 'brake'. "I'm over before you have put
+on the brake,"
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105, August 19th 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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