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diff --git a/36141.txt b/36141.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2d456a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/36141.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1714 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, +August 19th 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, August 19th 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: May 19, 2011 [EBook #36141] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOLUME 105, August 19TH 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG. "BLAZY BILL; OR, THE BICYCLE CAD." + +AIR--"_Daisy Bell; or, a Bicycle made for Two._" + +[Illustration] + +"The churl in nature up and down" is perennial and ubiquitous. Like +the god Vishnu, he has many avatars. Every new development of popular +pastime (for instance) developes its own particular species of "Cad." +LEECH'S "Galloping Snob" of a quarter of a century ago has been +succeeded by that Jehu of the "Bike," the Cycling Cad, to whose +endearing manners and customs in the Queen's highway, and elsewhere, +the long-suffering pedestrian is persuaded a laggard Law will shortly +have to find its attention urgently directed. _Mr. Punch_, who is of +the same opinion, adapts Mr. HARRY DACRE'S popular song to what he is +convinced will be a popular purpose. + +_Perturbed Pedestrian sings_:-- + + There is a fear within my heart, + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Planted one day with a demon dart. + Planted by BLAZY BILL. + Whether he'll kill me, or kill me not, + Smash me or only spill, + Little I know, but I'd give a lot + To be rescued from BLAZY BILL. + + _Chorus_-- + + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Give me a chance, Sir, do! + I'm half crazy, + All for the fear of you. + You haven't a stylish way, Sir, + I can't admire that "blazer" + (Which you think sweet). + The curse of the street + Is the Bicycle Cad--like you! + + You rattle along as though for your life, + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Pedalling madly, with mischief rife, + Blundering BLAZY BILL! + When the road's dark we need Argus sight, + Your bell and your lamp do nil + But dazzle our eyes and our ears affright, + Blustering BLAZY BILL! + + _Chorus_-- + + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Bother your "biking" crew! + I'm half crazy, + All for sheer dread of you. + I can't afford a carriage, + If I walk--in Brixton or Harwich-- + The curse of the street, + I am sure to meet + In a Bicycle Cad like you! + + Why should we stand this wheel-bred woe? + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Yes, your vile bell you will ring, I know, + _Suddenly_, BLAZY BILL, + When you're close on my heels, and a trip I make, + And, unless I skedaddle with skill, + I'm over before you have put on the brake, + Half-fuddled BLAZY BILL! + + _Chorus_-- + + BLAZY! BLAZY! + Turn up wild wheeling, do! + I'm half crazy, + All in blue funk of you. + The Galloping Snob was a curse, Sir, + But the Walloping Wheelman's a worser. + I'd subscribe my quid + To be thoroughly rid + Of all Bicycle Cads like you! + + * * * * * + +SHOOTING THE CHUTES. + +(_After Southey._) + +A VISION OF EARL'S COURT. + + Here they go hurrying, + Up the steps scurrying, + Pushing and jostling, + Elbowing, hustling, + Squeezing and wheezing they rush to the top. + Puffing and panting, + Tearing and ranting, + (First-rate for Banting,) onward they climb. + Up on the landing, + Scarce room for standing, + Man is commanding, "There you must stop! + Don't cross the railing, + Keep to the paling; + Place for two more, Sirs, + Go on before, Sirs; + List to the roar, Sirs--ain't it sublime! + Tuck in the mackintosh, + Hold tight, Sir!" "Oh, what bosh!" + Side by side seated, + Breathless and heated, + Freezing and sneezing, + Down the Chute shooting, + Yelling and hooting, + 'ARRY and 'ARRIET, Princess and Peer, + White man and black man and Injun to steer. + "_You're sure there's no danger?_" "There's nothing to fear." + "_Are babies admitted?_" "O no, mum, not 'ere." + And waving and raving, + And beaming and steaming, + And laughing and chaffing, + And thumping and bumping, + And plumping and jumping, + And spinning and grinning, + And chattering and clattering, + And blushing and gushing and rushing and flushing, + And bawling and sprawling and hauling and calling, + And foaming, bemoaning a bonnet dropped off, + Not hearing the jeering of people who scoff, + The peril of spilling delightfully thrilling, + Tho' incivil devil's instilling cavilling; + And screaming, not dreaming of being upset, + And splashing and dashing and dripping with wet, + And screeching and reaching for hat blown away, + Excited, affrighted, delighted, benighted, + And calling and bawling Hurrah and Hurray! + "And so never ending but always descending + Sounds and motions for ever and ever are blending;" + All at once all is o'er, with a mighty uproar, + And drenched and bedraggled they land on the shore. + + * * * * * + +"LETHE HAD PASSED HER LIPS."--Mrs. R. had often come across the name +of this classic stream in the course of her reading. She pronounced +it as one syllable, and said that "as this celebrated river was in +Scotland--she knew the name quite well--what she wanted to know was, +why weren't these waters bottled by a Company?" + + * * * * * + +AT THE SEASIDE CHURCH PARADE. + +(_A Conversation a la Mode._) + +_He._ So very glad to see you. (_Aside._) Hope she won't shut me up, +she's so sharp! + +_She._ Quite pleased to have met. (_Aside._) Can't stand much of him, +he's so stupid! + +_He._ I suppose when you were in town you went to the Academy? + +_She._ Yes, and saw all the pictures--and didn't like them. + +_He._ And went to the Opera? + +_She._ Yes, every night--and am tired of talking about it. + +_He._ And of course you went to Henley? + +_She._ Yes, and to the Eton and Harrow Match, and to Ascot, and to +Wimbledon to see the Lawn Tennis finals. + +_He._ But perhaps you never went to the House of Commons? + +_She._ Oh, yes, I did--on the Terrace, and also to the Ladies' +Gallery. The rows were most amusing--saw them all. + +_He._ And did you go to many parties? + +_She._ To every party of any consequence, and all the really nice +dinners. + +_He._ Were you at the Royal Wedding? + +_She._ Oh, don't talk of that. The subject is quite exhausted. (_After +a pause._) Pray, have you no conversation? + +_He._ Well, I don't know. I suppose you went to church this morning, +and heard the Dean preach? + +_She._ Oh, I really must beg your pardon. If you can't find anything +better to talk about on a Sunday than the points of a sermon you had +far better say nothing at all. + +[_Scene closes in upon an unbroken silence._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEW KING COAL. + + (_A new Mining-Capitalist Version of an old Nursery Rhyme, + dedicated and commended to the thoughtful consideration of the + colliers on strike in Northumberland and Durham._)] + + [Putting it in the form of a conundrum, _Mr. Punch_ would ask + the Colliers who may read this rhyme the following question, + the answer to which may throw a light upon the meaning of New + King COAL'S jubilant doggerel ditty:-- + + "When prices rise--even in the midst of the Dog Days--and the + output of first-class coal falls, who reaps the advantage of + the enhanced value and readier sale of accumulated stocks of + small and slaggy 'rubbish'?"] + + O our New King COAL + Is an artful old soul, + And an artful old soul is he; + And a jolly good Strike + Is a game he must like-- + When it pulls in the L _s._ _d._ + He calls for his "weed" and he calls for his "fizz," + And he calls for his--Fiddle-de-dee! + Every fiddler has his own little fiddle, + And a very fine fiddle has he. + + "L _s._ _d._, L _s._ _d._," sings King COAL, "Fiddle-de-dee! + Oh! an opportune Strike is the thing for me!" + O, there's none so rare + As can compare + With King COAL and _his_ Fiddle-de-dee! + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AT GILDALL. + +Ah, wot a change has suddenly cum over the hold Copperation! From +sitch recepshuns of Kings and Queens, and Princes and Princesses, and +Royal Dooks and Dutchesses, and Zarrowitches and setterer, and all in +their werry best clothes, too! as I never witnessed before nor since, +to cum suddenly upon nuffin but Gog and Magog, is a strikin fac +indeed. As the Rite onerabel Lord MARE werry propperly said, "Ah wot a +fall is here my Country-men!" + +And what a blooming staggerer it was to finish off with the King and +Queen of DENMARK! of all people in the World! Why I has allers been +tort to bleeve, from what I have seen at the Play, that neether on em +wornt not werry great things as regards behaviour to the poor _Prince +Hamblet_, but BROWN says as that's all over long, long ago, and isn't +to be spoke of no more, no, not for ever! and so we must drop it. I +think, upon the hole, as I likes the PRINCE OF WALES the best of all +on em, he does allers seem to enjy hisself so much. + +We had him in the City wunce at Church, and twice at Gildall to +dinner, all in about a munth, and that ain't so bad for a near +aparrent. And he does seem allers so much atome. Why I acshally +overherd him say to our Blushing Town Clark, after dining the King of +DENMARK, "How well you have dun it all, but you allers do it well at +Gildall!" + +I wunder how many hundred sentries it will be before he says ditto to +the Cheerman of the Country Counsel, poor feller! after sitch a dinner +to sitch a company? Praps about another 700! ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AN UNEARNED INCREMENT. + +_Our Irish Curate (persuasively)._ "NOW, DOCTOR DEAR, HERE 'S THE VERY +THING. YE'VE BEEN GIVING A TENTH OF YOUR INCOME, LIKE A MAN. WELL, +NOW, TIMES ARE BAD. DOUBLE IT, AND GIVE A TWENTIETH!"] + + * * * * * + +OFF AND ON.--She had been longing for a new dress. At last the extra +money was saved, and she bought it. "It's off my mind now," she +exclaimed, "and, which pleases me more, it's on my body." + + * * * * * + +ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE. + +--The advertisement of an hotel in Germany concludes, after praising +everything highly, with this sentence--"_Accomplished drinks, +captivating meats._" + + * * * * * + +FRENCH TRANSLATION OF AN OLD PLAY CALLED "LOVE'S LAST SHIFT."--"_La +derniere Chemise de l'Amour._" + + * * * * * + +THE TOUR THAT NEVER WAS. + +(_By an Undecided Man._) + + Between now and my holidays there but remain two solid days, + And thinking where I'll spend my "vac" has driven me wild with worry; + In vain have I surveyed acres of plans and maps and Baedekers, + And purchased a small library of "Handy Guides" of MURRAY. + + Shall I, for want of better, say I'll view the Vierwaldstaettersee, + Or watch the Staubbach fall in mist like web of an arachnid? + Or else, the dawn to see, get up o'ernight upon the Righi-top-- + But no, I feel that Joedel-land is now a trifle hackneyed! + + For a flutter at _chemin-de-fer_ I might (the place is handy) fare + To Trouville, and along the _plage_ a "Milor" on the spree be; + I could in Teuton _musikshaus_ (till I of Wagner grew sick) souse + In "Hofbraeu," and essay to flirt with each _biergarten_ Hebe. + + But then, if I to Norway turn, as Ibsenite I'd _more_ weight earn-- + And salmon-fishing mid the Kvaens is certainly high-class sport; + Or rumble in a tarantass o'er Russia? No, an arrant ass + I were, to go where night and day you're badgered for your passport! + + I'd like (my programme's large), a panoramic glimpse of far Japan + From Fuji, and round Biwa Lake I'd in a jinrickshaw go; + Or even--for a hasty bet--I'd (like Miss TAYLOR) pace Thibet, + Or "blue" my surplus cash at what the Yankees call "Shecawgo." + + Look here! I'll have to sham a tour (though but a humble amatoor + At yarning), as this sort of thing is giving me the fidgets! + I'll--since I've eased my intellect by tripping thus in print--elect + To stay at home and twiddle (for the sake of rhyme) my digits! + + * * * * * + +THE PLACE FOR LAWN TENNIS.--"_Way down in Tennessee._" + + * * * * * + +THE TWO POTS. + +(_A Morality for Mammon._) + + When Mammon in commerce has "made a big pot," + He is free to "retire upon what he has got," + And what need he care for the children of toil + Who have helped in their hundreds that "big pot" to boil? + Pot! Pot! Gushers talk rot; + But Demas "retires upon what he has got." + + How did he get it, that pot full of gold? + That is a story that's yet to be told. + Children of Gibeon helped, 'tis well known, + At filling _his_ pot--barely boiling their own! + Pot! Pot! How to keep hot-- + That is the problem--the poor man's pot! + + Poor _pot-au-feu_! 'Tis to keep you a-boil + Hewers and Drawers so ceaselessly toil; + But when they've filled Wealth's big pot full of gold, + What does he care if _their_ pot becomes cold. + Pot! Pot! Let the poor go--_to_ pot. + Mammon--"retires upon what he has got!" + + * * * * * + +MRS. R.--She is very tender-hearted. "Of course," she says, "it's very +nice of what they call 'The Forsters' parents--though why 'Forster' I +don't know. But certainly, even when they're brought up as one of the +family of the Forsters, yet it does make me feel very sad when I see +an adapted child." + + * * * * * + +MORAL AND SOCIAL QUERIES.--When a man has lost his own character, is +he justified in taking away anybody else's? At a party if somebody has +taken away your hat, aren't you justified in taking somebody else's? + + * * * * * + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. II.--THE DUKE'S FEATHER. + +Two months had passed without my hearing a word of HOLES. I knew he +had been summoned to Irkoutsk by the CZAR of Russia in order to help +in investigating the extraordinary theft of one of the Government +silver mines, which had completely and mysteriously disappeared in +one night. All the best intellects of the terrible secret police, the +third section of the Government of the Russian Empire, had exhausted +themselves in the vain endeavour to probe this mystery to the bottom. +Their failure had produced a dangerous commotion in the Empire of the +CZAR; there were rumours of a vast Nihilist plot, which was to shake +the Autocracy to its foundations, and, as a last resource, the CZAR, +who had been introduced to HOLES by OLGA FIASKOFFSKAIA, the well-known +Russian Secret Agent at the Court of Lisbon, had appealed to the +famous detective to lend his aid in discovering the authors of a crime +which was beginning to turn the great white CZAR into ridicule in all +the bazaars of Central Asia. HOLES, whose great mind had been lying +fallow for some little time, had immediately consented; and the last +I had seen of him was two months before the period at which this story +opens, when I had said good-bye to him at Charing-Cross Station. + +As for myself, I was spending a week in a farmhouse situated close to +the village of Blobley-in-the-Marsh. Three miles from the gates of the +farmhouse lay Fourcastle Towers, the ancestral mansion of Rear-Admiral +the Duke of DUMPSHIRE, the largest and strangest landowner of the +surrounding district. I had a nodding acquaintance with His Grace, +whom I had once attended for scarlatina when he was a midshipman. +Since that time, however, I had seen very little of him, and, to tell +the truth, I had made no great effort to improve the acquaintance. The +Duke, one of the haughtiest members of our blue-blooded aristocracy, +had been called by his naval duties to all parts of the habitable +globe; I had steadily pursued my medical studies, and, except for the +biennial visit which etiquette demanded, I had seen little or nothing +of the Duke. My stay at the farmhouse was for purposes of rest. I had +been overworked, that old tulwar wound, the only memento of the Afghan +Campaign, had been troubling me, and I was glad to be able to throw +off my cares and my black coat, and to revel for a week in the rustic +and unconventional simplicity of Wurzelby Farm. + +One evening, two days after my arrival, I was sitting in the kitchen +close to the fire, which, like myself, was smoking. For greater +comfort I had put on my old mess-jacket. The winter wind was whistling +outside, but besides that only the ticking of the kitchen clock +disturbed my meditations. I was just thinking how I should begin my +article on Modern Medicine for the _Fortnightly Review_, when a slight +cough at my elbow caused me to turn round. Beside me stood PICKLOCK +HOLES, wrapped in a heavy, close-fitting fur _moujik_. He was the +first to speak. + +[Illustration: "Beside me stood Picklock Holes, wrapped in a heavy, +close-fitting fur _moujik_."] + +"You seem surprised to see me," he said. "Well, perhaps that is +natural; but really, my dear fellow, you might employ your time to +better purpose than in trying to guess the number of words in the +first leading article in the _Times_ of the day before yesterday." + +I was about to protest when he stopped me. + +"I know perfectly well what you are going to say, but it is useless +to urge that the country is dull, and that a man must employ his brain +somehow. That kind of employment is the merest wool-gathering." + +He plucked a small piece of Berlin worsted--I had been darning my +socks--off my left trouser, and examined it curiously. My admiration +for the man knew no bounds. + +"Is that how you know?" I asked. "Do you mean to tell me that merely +by seeing that small piece of fancy wool on my trousers you guessed +I had been trying to calculate the number of words in the _Times_ +leader? HOLES, HOLES, will you never cease from astounding me?" + +He did not answer me, but bared his muscular arm and injected into it +a strong dose of morphia with a richly-chased little gold instrument +tipped with a ruby. + +"A gift from the CZAR," said HOLES, in answer to my unspoken thoughts. +"When I discovered the missing silver-mine on board the yacht of +the Grand Duke IVANOFF, his Imperial Majesty first offered me the +Chancellorship of his dominions, but I begged him to excuse me, and +asked for this pretty toy. Bah, the Russian police are bunglers." + +As he made this remark the door opened and Sergeant BLUFF of the +Dumpshire Constabulary entered hurriedly. + +"I beg your pardon, Sir," he said, addressing me, with evident +perturbation; "but would you step outside with me for a moment. +There's been some strange work down at----" + +HOLES interrupted him. + +"Don't say any more," he broke in. "You've come to tell us about the +dreadful poaching affray in Hagley Wood. I know all about it, and +tired as I am I'll help you to find the criminals." + +It was amusing to watch the Sergeant's face. He was ordinarily +an unemotional man, but as HOLES spoke to him he grew purple with +astonishment. + +"Beggin' your pardon, Sir," he said; "I didn't know about no----" + +"My name is HOLES," said my friend calmly. + +"What, Mr. PICKLOCK HOLES, the famous detective?" + +"The same, at your service; but we are wasting time. Let us be off." + +The night was cold, and a few drops of rain were falling. As we walked +along the lane HOLES drew from the Sergeant all the information he +wanted as to the number of pheasants on the Duke's estate, the extent +of his cellars, his rent-roll, and the name of his London tailor. +BLUFF dropped behind after this cross-examination with a puzzled +expression, and whispered to me: + +"A wonderful man that Mister HOLES. Now how did he know about this +'ere poaching business? _I_ knew nothing about it. Why I come to you, +Sir, to talk about that retriever dog you lost." + +"Hush," I said; "say nothing. It would only annoy HOLES, and interfere +with his inductions. He knows his own business best." Sergeant BLUFF +gave a grumbling assent, and in another moment we entered the great +gate of Fourcastle Towers, and were ushered into the hall, where the +Duke was waiting to receive us. + +"To what am I indebted for the honour of this visit?" said his Grace, +with all the courtly politeness of one in whose veins ran the blood +of the Crusaders. Then, changing his tone, he spoke in fierce +sailor-language: "Shiver my timbers! what makes you three stand there +like that? Why, blank my eyes, you ought to----" What he was going to +say will never be known, for HOLES dashed forward. + +"Silence, Duke," he said, sternly. "We come to tell you that there +has been a desperate poaching affray. The leader of the gang lies +insensible in Hagley Wood. Do you wish to know who he was?" So saying, +he held up to the now terrified eyes of the Duke the tail-feather of +a golden pheasant. "I found it in his waistcoat pocket," he said, +simply. + +"My son, my son!" shrieked the unfortunate Duke. "Oh ALURED, ALURED, +that it should have come to this!" and he fell to the floor in +convulsions. + +"You will find Earl MOUNTRAVERS at the cross-roads in Hagley Wood," +said HOLES to the Sergeant. "He is insensible." + +The Earl was convicted at the following Assizes, and sentenced to a +long term of penal servitude. His ducal father has never recovered +from the disgrace. HOLES, as usual, made light of the matter and of +his own share in it. + +"I met the Earl," he told me afterwards, "as I was walking to your +farmhouse. When he ventured to doubt one of my stories, I felled him +to the earth. The rest was easy enough. Poachers? Oh dear no, there +were none. But it is precisely in these cases that ingenuity comes +in." + +"HOLES," I said, "I admire you more and more every day." + + * * * * * + +JOKE FOR JOKE.--A ruffian at Walsall, "for a joke," dropped a little +boy over the bridge into the river. The inhabitants of that town took +the cowardly brute to the same bridge, and dropped him over in the +same place. Bravo men (and women) of Walsall! If the _lex talionis_, +in the same spirit of impartial jocularity, could be applied as +efficaciously to _all_ "practical jokers," civilised Society might +soon be rid of one of its most intolerable pests. + + * * * * * + +"So much depends on _how you take things_," as the thief remarked +after a dexterous performance while the policeman's back was turned. + + * * * * * + +BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF A COMIC BALLET D'ACTION.--"Too funny for words." + + * * * * * + +THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS. + +No. II.--THE MOSQUITO. + +[Illustration] + + I am a restless Mosquito, + Well hated by the world, I know, + For faults that are not mine; + I bite to live (some live to bite), + I sting from sheer necessity, not spite,-- + I would my lot were thine. + + I'd take thy bites, you'd love my sting, + And bear the petty pains they bring + Just like a Hindoo Saint; + I would not blame you, 'bottle fly, + You have to live the same as I-- + A beauty without paint. + + We cannot all be butterflies, + Or larks that carol in the skies,-- + Take life for what it's worth; + We've all our wretched aches and pains, + Our losses now--and now our gains-- + A little while on earth. + + And when we get our final call-- + Mosquito, pole-cat, skunk, and all + The vermin meek or bold-- + We shall not for the verdict quake, + We've lived our lives for Nature's sake, + And done what we were told. + + * * * * * + +CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS. + +MY DEAR MR. PUNCH,--I see that some of your contemporaries have got +up a "Press Band" which plays on the Thames Embankment between one and +two o'clock every day (save Saturday) for the benefit of compositors +out for their dinner-hour. I must confess that I think the idea +excellent, but could it not be extended? A newspaper consists of more +than "setters up at case." Could not some entertainment be +contrived for the amusement of editors, theatrical critics, and city +correspondents? + +For instance, there are generally a number of ladies and gentlemen +hanging about Fleet Street in the vain hope of obtaining interviews +with the powers that are in the world journalistic. A really talented +would-be contributor (especially if a lady) might "get at" an editor +when he was most at his ease and least on his guard. + +I will suppose that the _Redacteur en chef of the Imperial Universe_ +is seated beside the Fountain in the Temple, quietly smoking his +cigar. The authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" (adapted from the original +Norwegian) may see the Editor from afar off, and come dancing towards +him with the airy gaiety of a _Morgiana_. She executes a _pas de +fascination_, and, when he is completely captivated by the exquisite +grace of her movements, causes him to seize a bundle of MS. When she +has retired, and the Editor gradually resumes his normal composure, +he discovers that the authoress of "_Tiger Songs_" has left him an +article upon "Voyages to the North Pole." Subjugated by the poetry of +motion, and further moved (almost to tears) by the soft, sweet strains +of the Press Band, he reads the contribution, and accepts it. + +Then recreation, combined with instruction, might be found for special +correspondents by erecting steam roundabouts on the Thames Embankment. +The "special" might mount his wooden steed, and career round and round +until he has done a good twenty miles. Then he would be prepared to +give his experiences, which should (if written in the proper spirit) +be of exceptional value as "copy." + +A thousand details will occur to those who take an interest in the +matter, and may be filled in at leisure. I merely throw out the idea, +leaving its development to others more worthy of the task than one who +signs himself, in all humility, A PEN PLUS A LYRE. + + * * * * * + +THE WALKING ENGLISHWOMAN ON THE ALPS. + +[Illustration] + + You who look, at home, so charming-- + Angel, goddess, nothing less-- + Do you know you're quite alarming + In that dress? + + Such a garb should be forbidden; + Where's the grace an artist loves? + Think of dainty fingers hidden + In those gloves! + + Gloves! A housemaid would not wear them, + Shapeless, brown and rough as sacks, + Thick! And yet you often tear them + With that axe! + + Worst of all, unblacked, unshiny-- + Greet them with derisive boots-- + Clumsy, huge! For feet so tiny! + Oh, those boots! + + * * * * * + +THE ENGLISHMAN IN PARIS. + +[Illustration] + + O "Englishman in Paris," do not think + That I refer to your amusing book; + I write of those who do not care "a tinker's + cuss" for look! + + Not you who dress in Paris as at home, + Because the Frenchman is as good as you, + Top-hat, frock-coat--in fact do all in Rome + As Rome would do. + + But you, attired in such eccentric ways, + Who travelled here with tickets which you took + Perhaps from enterprising Mr. GAZE, + Or Mr. COOK. + + And from some stupid, slow, suburban spot, + Or prim provincial parish, come arrayed + In clothes which your own gardener would not + Wear for his trade. + + Oh why offend the Frenchman's cultured sight + With such a 'ARRY'S outin' sort of air? + Do you consider knickerbockers quite + The thing to wear? + + The Frenchman, just as sensible as we, + Calls "toppers" hateful, horrid, heavy, hot; + In Paris, as in London, still you see + The chimney-pot. + + A linen collar hygiene abhors. + And yet he wears it. You don't care a rap; + You sport your flannel-shirt, and, out of doors, + Your tourist cap. + + Magnificent contempt for foreign lands! + "Frog-eating Frenchy dress!" you say, and smile, + "He imitates, but never understands + True London style." + + Unconquered Briton, you are right no doubt! + Descendant of the woad-clad ones, that's true! + And yet he never imitates a lout, + A cad, like you. + + * * * * * + +HER PARLIAMENTARY KNOWLEDGE.--Mrs. R. is an intelligent student of the +Parliamentary Reports in the _Times_. On Tuesday, in last week, her +niece read this aloud--"8.30. _On the return of the SPEAKER, after the +usual interval_"---- "That," observed the worthy lady, interrupting, +explaining it to her niece, "is the interval allowed for +refreshment--ten minutes I believe,--go on, my dear." Then her niece +continued--"_Sir T. LEA, who was interrupted by a count_"---- "Stop, +my dear!" exclaimed our old friend, indignantly. "What I want to know +is, how did that Count come there? Was he in the Strangers' Gallery? +And if he interrupted why wasn't he at once turned out of the House? +On second thoughts," she added, "he must have been a foreigner, and so +they made some excuse for him." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN. + +_Country House Hostess._ "SO GLAD YOU COULD COME, MR. VANDYKE! I'M +AFRAID YOU'LL FIND US RATHER DULL. WE'RE QUITE A SMALL PARTY!" _Mr. +Vandyke._ "OH NO. I SHALL BE OUT NEARLY ALL DAY, YOU KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +"A SAIL! A SAIL!" + +(_Extracts from a New (Parliamentary) Version of "The Rime of the +Ancient Mariner._") + + [Sidenote: An Ancient Mariner meeteth a sorely-pressed M.P. + hurrying to a Division, and stoppeth him.] + + It is an Ancient Mariner, + And he stoppeth an M.P. + "By thy scant white hair and glittering eye, + Now wherefore stopp'st thou me? + + "The lobby doors are open wide, + And if I don't get in, + But give the slip to our stern Whip, + Just won't there be a din!" + + He holds him with his skinny hand. + "There was a Ship!" quoth he. + The Member pressed he beat his breast, + Suppressing a big, big D! + + [Sidenote: The sorely-pressed M.P. is spell-bound by the eye + of the Grand Old Seafaring Man, and constrained to hear his + tale.] + + He holds him with his glittering eye; + The Member pressed stands still. + And listens, though exceeding wild-- + The Mariner hath his will. + + The Member pressed sits on a post, + He cannot choose but hear; + And thus speaks out that Grand Old Man, + The bright-eyed Mariner-- + + [Sidenote: The Mariner tells how the good ship _H.M. + Government_ sailed for Ireland with a good wind and fair + weather till she reached a certain Line.] + + The Ship was cheered, the harbour cleared, + Merrily did we drop, + Laden with many a blessed Bill + From kelson to orlop, + + The Sun of hope had left the left, + Out in the cold they be. + But it shone bright on the (SPEAKER'S) right + When we put forth to sea. + + * * * * * + + [Sidenote: Where the Ship is driven by a storm (of Opposition) + toward the Poll.] + + And now the Storm-blast came, and he + Was tyrannous and strong. + He struck with his opposing wings, + And set our course all wrong. + + With sloping masts and dipping prow, + As who pursued with yell and blow + Still treads the coat-tail of his foe + And feeleth for his head, + The Ship drove fast, loud roared the blast, + And Winterward we fled. + + [Sidenote: Till a great lolloping, hindering, inopportune + sea-bird, called the Albatross, came through the snow-fog, and + was received with great joy and hospitality--by our opponents. + + And lo! the Albatross proveth a bird of ill-omen, impeding the + progress of the Ship in most aggravating fashion.] + + At length did cross an Albatross: + Through fog and frost it came; + A noisy, rude, Obstructive bird; + Devoid of sense or shame. + + Day after day it blocked our way, + As round and round it flew. + In spite of it, by patient wit, + Our helmsman steered us through. + + When a fair wind sprang up behind, + The Albatross did follow, + And every day hindered our way, + Despite the Mariner's hollo! + + In mist or cloud it strove to shroud + Our course athwart the brine, + Night after night it led to fight, + And kicking up of shine. + + [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner incontinently killeth the bird + of ill-omen.] + + "God help thee, Ancient Mariner! + From the fiends that plague thee thus! + What did'st thou do?" With my closure-bow + _I shot the Albatross!!!_ + + * * * * * + + [Sidenote: When the fog cleared his shipmates justified the + same, and thus make themselves accomplices therein.] + + Now round and red, like a Scotchman's head, + The glorious Sun uprist: + Then all averred I had killed the bird + That brought the fog and mist. + 'Twas right, said they, such birds to slay + That brought the fog and mist. + + [Sidenote: The fair breeze continues; the Ship enters the Sea + of Silence by the Straits of Gag.] + + The fair breeze blew, the gag-saved crew, + Were from Obstruction free; + We were the first that ever burst + Into that _silent sea_! + +[Illustration: "A SAIL! A SAIL!" + +("_The Rime of the Ancient Mariner._")] + + [Sidenote: The Ship is suddenly becalmed, and findeth that + enforced silence means not peaceful progress.] + + Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down, + 'Twas sad as sad could be; + With flopping sail of what avail + The silence of the sea? + + Day after day, day after day, + We stuck, nor breath nor motion; + As idle as a painted ship + Upon a painted ocean. + + [Sidenote: The Spirit of Obstruction had followed in + spook-like silent, sub-marine secrecy.] + + And some in dreams assured were + Of the spirit that plagued us so; + Nine fathom deep he had followed us, + From the land of mist and snow. + + If this be so, my shipmates said, + What use that bird to shoot? + We make no way, no more than if + We were shackled hand and foot. + + [Sidenote: The shipmates, in their sore distress, are tempted + to throw the blame on the Ancient Mariner.] + + Ah! well-a-day! what evil looks + Had I from old and young! + My gain seemed loss, the Albatross + Around my neck was hung. + + +II. + + [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner beholdeth a long-hoped-for sign + in the element afar off.] + + There passed a weary time. Each throat + Was parched, and glazed each eye. + A weary time! a dreary time! + (Devoted to "Supply,") + When, looking westward, I beheld + A Something in the sky! + + [Sidenote: It groweth and assumeth substantial shape.] + + At first it seemed a little speck, + And then it seemed a mist: + It moved, and moved, and took at last + A certain shape, I wist. + + A speck, a mist, a shape I wist! + And still it neared and neared: + As if it dodged some awkward question + It plunged, and tacked, and veered. + + [Sidenote: At its nearer approach it seemeth to him to be a + ship, bearing the hopeful name of _Autumn Session_.] + + With throats unslaked, with black lips baked, + We scarce could laugh or wail; + Through utter drought all dumb we stood! + I bit my tongue--it did me good-- + And cried "A Sail! A Sail!!!" + + [Sidenote: A flash of joy among his shipmates,] + + With throats unslaked, with black lips baked, + Agape they heard me call. + Gramercy! They for joy did grin, + And all at once their breath drew in, + As they were whistling all. + + [Sidenote: And of anger amidst their foes.] + + Our fierce foes' faces went aflame, + They felt that they were done! + Their thoughts were of the western main, + Of moor, and dog, and gun, + When that strange shape drave suddenly + Betwixt us and the Sun. + + * * * * * + + [Sidenote: The Ancient Mariner postponeth the sequel of his + strange story to a more convenient occasion.] + + _Ah, Member pressed, I'll leave the rest + Until--say next December! + Whether that Sail did bring us aid, + Or with my shipmate's wishes played; + Whether it made them welcome Autumn, + Or Tales of Hope to question taught 'em; + Whether (as spook) that Albatross + Appeared again our path to cross; + If it portended gain or loss + (Uncertain these, as pitch-and-toss!) + I'll tell you when again we meet, + On this same post, in this same street-- + Oh, Member pressed--remember!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: JUSTIFIABLE DECEPTION. + +_Nervous Old Party (who has been making himself rather a nuisance all +the way)._ "A--A--SURELY, MY DEAR SIR, THIS GALLOPING UP THESE HILLS +IS EXTREMELY A--A--TO SAY THE LEAST, RECKLESS!" + +_Jack Highflyer (Proprietor and Coachman, who has been spirting +his Team up several short rises)._ "GALLOP! CALL THIS GALLOPING? BY +GEORGE, JUST YOU WAIT TILL RETURN STAGE--SEE ME GO DOWN 'EM! GREASED +LIGHTNING A FOOL TO IT!" + +[_Result as desired. Old Gentleman clears out shortly, for purpose of +writing to "Times," and so makes way for Fair Passenger behind._] +] + + * * * * * + +THE BRITISH ATHLETE'S VADE-MECUM. + +_Question._ What is the _specialite_ of a Briton? + +_Answer._ That given him by belonging to a race of born athletes. + +_Q._ Can any member of the human family outside the British Isles do +anything in the shape of sport? + +_A._ Only imperfectly. However, Australians are good at cricket, and +Americans have been known to adequately train racehorses. + +_Q._ Can you give any reason for their partial success? + +_A._ Yes. Australians are our first-cousins, and Americans our +first-cousins once removed. + +_Q._ Then you consider them of the same stock as the true Briton? + +_A._ Quite so. Hence their prowess in the field. + +_Q._ What do you think of foreigners? + +_A._ That they are typified by "Moosoo." + +_Q._ When you speak of "Moosoo," to whom do you refer? + +_A._ To the average French duffer, who has about as much knowledge of +sport as a baby in arms. + +_Q._ Are all foreigners duffers? + +_A._ All; without exception. + +_Q._ How do they go out shooting? + +_A._ With a horn, a _couteau de chasse_, a toy game-bag, and a +decorated poodle. + +_Q._ Can they row at all? + +_A._ Not seriously. They can paddle a little, but have no more idea of +pulling than the man in the moon. + +_Q._ And yet, did not a Paris crew beat a Thames Eight, on the Seine, +early in the present year? + +_A._ Yes; but that was because there was some good reason or other for +the English defeat. + +_Q._ It could not have been, of course, because the French Eight was +better than their visitors? + +_A._ Certainly not. + +_Q._ But is not that the view you would adopt if you were dealing with +two English crews? + +_A._ Why, certainly; but this was a race between Britons and +Frenchman, and the former could not naturally be beaten by the latter +on their own merits. + +_Q._ Why not? + +_A._ Because, as a matter of fact, they couldn't. + +_Q._ And so your opinion of the superiority of Britons over foreigners +is unalterable? + +_A._ Of course. I should not be a Briton if it were not so. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DECIDEDLY PLEASANT. + +_Genial Youth._ "I SAY, GUBBY, OLD CHAP, IS THIS REALLY TRUE ABOUT +YOUR GOING TO MARRY MY SISTER EDIE?" + +_Gubbins._ "YES, TOMMY. IT'S ALL SETTLED. BUT WHY DO YOU ASK?" + +_G. Y._ "OH! ONLY BECAUSE I SHALL HAVE SUCH A JOLLY SLACK TIME NOW! +YOU KNOW _I'VE_ PULLED OFF NEARLY ALL HER ENGAGEMENTS SO FAR, ONLY +YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE WHO'S BEEN A _REAL STAYER_!!"] + + * * * * * + +A DECAYED INDUSTRY. + +(_From the Note-book of Our Prophet-Reporter._) + +[Illustration] + +The HOME SECRETARY was seated in his room awaiting the arrival of the +Deputation:-- + +"Well, I suppose I was right to allow them to interview me," he +murmured. "The submerged Tenth have not the franchise to-day. Ah! but +they may have it to-morrow!" + +The HOME SECRETARY'S exclamation was caused by the appearance of a +number of half-starved ragamuffins, who had lounged into the room, and +were now standing respectfully before him. + +"Beg pardon, Sir," said the spokesman of this strange-looking +deputation, "but are you the 'OME SECKKERTERRY?" + +"That is my position," replied the Cabinet Minister. "And now that you +are here, what do you want?" + +"Well, Guv'nor, truth to tell, we are out of employment. Our trade has +gone to the dogs. Our business wos a removin' of superfluous cash from +the pockets of the more inattentive of the public." + +"Burglars!" exclaimed the HOME SECRETARY, in some alarm, and he +hastily approached the handle of the bell communicating with the +Messenger's Room. + +"Stow it!" cried the spokesman roughly, then hurriedly lowering his +tone, he apologised, and said he spoke from force of habit. "Twenty +years ago our purfession was worth something. We could make a tidy +living out of silk pocket-handkerchiefs, and sich like. But nowadays +it's all changed. It wants capital, Guv'nor; that's where it is, it +wants capital!" + +"What wants capital?" queried the Minister. + +"Why, our purfession, to be sure. Nowadays everythink's done on +scientific principals. A burglar must know something of chemistry, +and be up in things generally. Besides, all the real good things are +worked by syndicates. Unless you can put in a 'underd pounds or so, +why, you are nowhere. What are we to do?" + +The HOME SECRETARY sat in deep thought. + +"Look 'ere, Guv'nor," continued the spokesman, "'ere's a noshun. As we +can't afford to be thieves, and haven't sufficient education to become +burglars, why shouldn't we assist the Civil Power? Make us Peelers, +Sir, you know--Coppers." + + * * * * * + +A month later the Police received some new recruits, and the title of +the Force was officially changed to "The Unemployed." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, August 7._--House brisked up to-day on +approaching Report Stage Home-Rule Bill; over three hundred Members +present, including JOSEPH, fresh from Birmingham; on whole, a +melancholy gathering. At outset every appearance of collapse. +Influence of Bank Holiday over it all. Ministers who should have been +in places to answer questions not arrived. Worse still when Home-Rule +Bill reached, and new Clauses called on. Turned out PRINCE ARTHUR was +still dallying at Dulwich, HENEAGE 'appy at 'Ampstead, WOLMER tarrying +by the giddy swing on Peckham Rye. BARTLEY, ever ready to sacrifice +himself in interests of Empire, proposed to move new Clauses for +absentees, but SPEAKER wouldn't have it; so passed on to PARKER SMITH. +P. S., as sometimes happens in correspondence, proved most important +part of letter. He had quite a cluster of Clauses; moved them in +succession through long and dreary night. + +[Illustration: HOLIDAY TIME--AS SHOWN BY MEMBERS' DRESS IN THE HOUSE.] + +Incidentally provided TIM HEALY with opportunity for making speech +quite in old (of late unfamiliar) form. One of P. S.'s clauses +designed for appointment of Boundary Commissioners, with view of +what T. W. RUSSELL described as "ojus jerrymandering." TIM declared +that scheme proposed by Bill would give Unionists a much larger +representation than they were entitled to, leaving them, with +exception of disfranchisement of Dublin University, in very much same +numbers as they now stand. Demonstrating this, TIM cited in detail +the constituencies affected. Totted them up to reach the total he had +affirmed--certainly eighteen, possibly twenty-one. + +"There's Armagh two," he said, "and Antrim four. Four and two are +six," he added, turning with defiant look upon the placid figure of +T. W. RUSSELL. Paused for a moment to give full opportunity for anyone +getting up to deny this proposition. No response; TIM proceeded; "Very +well, six. There's Belfast four. Six and four are ten!" he shouted +triumphantly, looking across at JOSEPH. "Very well, ten," he added, in +low growl; evidently disappointed at lack of spirit in camp opposite. +"Down--North, East and West Down you'll have, I suppose? That's three. +Three and ten's thirteen. Thirteen!" he shouted, turning with quick +flush of hope in direction of seat of EDWARD OF ARMAGH. But Colonel +not there. In fact not been seen in House since he went out after the +great fight, holding bunch of keys to his bruised cheek. + +Things looking desperate; still TIM plodded on. Surely age of +chivalry not so finally gone that there was not left in an Irish bosom +sufficient courage to deny to a political adversary that two and two +made four? Perhaps TIM had been piling on the units too high. He would +continue on a lower scale. "Very well, that's thirteen. Now North +Fermanagh's one. Thirteen and one's fourteen." No pen can describe the +acrimony TIM threw into this proposition. Still the craven blood did +not stir. "Londonderry, North, South, and City--I suppose you expect +to collar them all? That's three; fourteen and three are seventeen." + +It was terrible. The SPEAKER, fearing bloodshed, interposed, ruling +TIM out of order; only just in time. One could see by flush on +MACARTNEY'S cheek that one step more would have been fatal, and that +the proposition "Seventeen and two are nineteen" would have led to +outbreak beside which the "regrettable incident" would have been +meretriciously mild. + +_Business done._--Took up Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill. + +[Illustration: "Bimetallism."] + +_Tuesday._--The Squires had regular set-to to-night. He of Blankney +began it; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, never loath for a tussle, cheerfully +stepping into the ring. Order of the day was Report Stage of Home-Rule +Bill. Members, though in languid mood, prepared once more to tread the +dreary round, to pass a summer night + + In dropping buckets into empty wells, + And growing old in drawing nothing up. + +SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY ordered matters otherwise. Has for some time had by +him paper on Bimetallism, which he desired to read to House. Thought +event might have come off on Vote on Account; ruled out of order; +would fit in equally well on Indian Budget. But when will Indian +Budget be taken? GORST and Echo answer "When?" SQUIRE, whilst willing +to sacrifice all personal considerations on the altar of public +interest, feels that duty to his Queen and country call him away for +an interval of rest. He might leave his paper for DICKY TEMPLE to +read; or he might have it printed and circulated with the votes. +Whilst pondering on these alternatives, happy thought came to him. +Why not move adjournment of House, and so work off speech? Of course +wouldn't do to put the matter bluntly, and "ask leave to move the +adjournment for the purpose of discussing a definite matter of urgent +public importance, namely, HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire to get out of town." +But for "HARRY CHAPLIN'S desire," &c., substitute "the closing of the +Indian mints to the free coinage of silver," and there you are. + +[Illustration: The Government Humorist.] + +There we were indeed. Opposition didn't show up with the enthusiasm +that might have been expected in such a cause. Question was indeed +raised whether the necessary forty Members had risen to support +application for leave. SPEAKER said it was all right, so SQUIRE OF +BLANKNEY brought out his treasured manuscript and reeled off his +speech. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD exceedingly angry that he should have +occupied nearly an hour for the purpose. So angry that he took almost +precisely same time in replying. Drew a lurid picture of the other +Squire going about "endeavouring to make mischief in Hindustan." The +poor SQUIRE OF BLANKNEY! No such fell design had filled his manly +breast. He was guilty of no more direful purpose than that of availing +himself of forms of the House to read a paper on Bimetallism prepared +for a lapsed occasion, which might have been out of date had he +kept it in his drawer till he came back from his holiday. It led to +appropriation of four hours of the sitting; but if they had not been +wasted in this way, they would have been squandered in some other, +and House would have lost spectacle of this set-to between the MALWOOD +MAULER and the BLANKNEY PET. + +_Business done._--None to speak of. + +_Thursday._--Seems BRODRICK didn't say at Farnham those naughty things +about Mr. G. 'Tis true he had referred to failure of a popular local +donkey to win a race owing to increasing infirmities, adding "it is +quite time some of us should be turned out to grass." But he was not +thinking of Mr. G. Of whom then was the Young Man thinking? Could it +have been ----? But no, a thousand times no. + +Certainly nothing in Mr. G.'s appearance to-night suggestive of desire +or necessity for knocking-off work. Others may tire and turn fondly to +contemplation of moor, river, or sea. Mr. G. thinks there's no place +like London in mid-August, no scene so healthful or invigorating +as House of Commons. Plunged in to-night on one of the interminable +Amendments. A difficult job in hand. Had to accept Amendment which +SOLICITOR-GENERAL and ATTORNEY-GENERAL had an hour earlier been put up +to show was impossible. Began by pummelling PRINCE ARTHUR; proceeded +to make little of HENRY JAMES; turned aside to pink JOSEPH with +sarcastic reference to inveterate love with which he is cherished in +the bosom of his new friends the Tories; finished by throwing over +ATTORNEY-GENERAL with grace and dexterity that made experience +rather pleasant than otherwise; and at a quarter to eight accepted an +Amendment that had been moved at a quarter to six. + +It was in conversation round this Debate that SOLICITOR-GENERAL, +accused by CARSON of knowing all about a certain point of law, +delighted House by taking off wig, pitching it ceiling-high, deftly +catching it, and observing with a wink at SPEAKER, "No, I'm hanged if +I do." + +_Business done._--Report Stage Home-Rule Bill. + +_Friday Night._--Grouse to-morrow, Home-Rule Bill to-night. As +BORTHWICK says, Home-Rule Bill is like partridge, at least to this +extent, that, in course of a few months, its daily appearance on the +table leads to sensation of palled palate. Truly, _toujours perdrix_ +is endurable by comparison with Always Home Rule. Members who remain +bear up pretty bravely, but glance wistfully at the door through which +have disappeared so many friends and companions dear, bound Northward. +The holiday, even when it comes for us--the mere residuum, tasting +grouse only from the bounty of our friends, who are not dead but gone +before--will be but an interval in a prodigiously long Session. +"I suppose you find the Autumn Session very popular," I said +to MARJORIBANKS, who still wears a smile. "Yes," he said; "more +especially with Members who have paired up to Christmas." + +_Business done._--Still harping on Home Rule. + + * * * * * + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 73: 'break' corrected to 'brake'. "I'm over before you have put +on the brake," + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105, August 19th 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 36141.txt or 36141.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/6/1/4/36141/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Malcolm Farmer and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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