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+Project Gutenberg's Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by Austin Holyoak
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity
+       A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester
+
+Author: Austin Holyoak
+
+Release Date: July 20, 2011 [EBook #36800]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY:
+
+A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester.
+
+By Austin Holyoak
+
+
+The Bishop of Manchester, in a speech delivered by him in Oldham in
+August, 1870, is reported to have said that "he could defy anyone to try
+to caricature the work, the character, or the person of the Lord Jesus
+Christ." He no doubt felt confident in throwing out such a challenge,
+as the attempt would be considered so atrociously impious that few men
+could be found with courage enough to incur the odium of such an act. We
+confess that we have not the temerity to wound the sensitiveness of the
+devoutly religious. What may be deemed of the nature of caricature in
+the following remarks the reader is requested to regard as merely the
+spontaneous utterance of one who is keenly alive to the ludicrous, and
+who is not awed by the belief that the Bible is an infallible volume.
+We find the New Testament, when read without the deceptive spectacles of
+_faith_ as amusing, as extravagant, and as contradictory in many places
+as most books.
+
+A system of religion, to be a moral guide to men, should be perfect in
+all its parts. It should not consist of a few precepts which might
+be followed under certain circumstances, the rest being made up of
+impossibilities and contradictions; but should be so comprehensive as to
+embrace all orders of men under all circumstances. And a divine exemplar
+to mankind, if such a being can be imagined, should possess every human
+virtue in perfection, and be absolutely without fault. We are told daily
+and hourly that Jesus Christ possesses these transcendent qualities, and
+is worthy of the homage and admiration of the world. We ask where this
+divine image is to be found, and are referred to the four Gospels in the
+New Testament. All that is there written was written by inspiration of
+God, and God therefore is the painter of the lineaments of his own Son.
+We will take it as such, and see what aspect Jesus presents when viewed
+in the light we are able to bring to bear upon his portrait. We shall
+follow a somewhat different plan to that adopted by M. Rénan. That
+great French writer has evidently gone to his task with the intention or
+anticipation of finding an almost perfect man, and he ends by believing
+he really sees one in Jesus. We have taken up the Gospels with the
+desire of finding what is actually there; and as it appears to us, so we
+will present it to the reader. We know that some will view the sayings
+and actions in a different light; but that is inevitable. No two persons
+ever see in the painted portrait of a friend or relative, precisely
+the same expression; yet they may be equally honest. Now we claim to be
+regarded as truthful in the following portraiture, though Jesus appears
+to us a very different man to what he appeared to M. Renan. Some may say
+we are flippant, but that we cannot help, though we may regret it. We
+must express ourselves in our own way, and we most be excused if we
+laugh at what seems ludicrous or absurd.
+
+We may be accused of a want of reverence, but we cannot feel reverence
+for what does not excite that feeling in us.
+
+These pages are not critical--they do not pretend to be learned--they
+do not seek to explain away anything on the score of "forgeries" or
+"interpolations." They are based upon the supposition that the _Four_
+Gospels are each and collectively true, and without contradiction. No
+attempt is made to reconcile contradictions by rejecting all that does
+not harmonise. The Churches do not do so--they cling to all within the
+two covers of the "sacred book," and of course take the responsibility.
+
+Nothing will be here set down that Jesus did not utter; no meaning will
+be put upon his words that they will not legitimately bear; we have
+judged of him as we find him in the general actions of his life. A
+devout believer will exclaim, with uplifted hands and eyes--"Oh, this
+is blasphemy; it is revolting to the moral sense; Christ was the Son of
+God, and therefore perfect. He could not be what you have represented
+him to be, or people long ago would have ceased to worship him. He is
+the one sublime character whose image fills the world, and before whom
+millions bow the head in reverent humility." Just so; that is where the
+delusion arises. Men have been taught that they must not think--that
+they must not doubt--that they must not examine the grounds of their
+faith--they must _believe_, and that the sin of unbelief is everlasting
+perdition. A halo of sanctity is thrown around this distorted
+image--there is a sacred mystery, a "holy of holies" into which common
+sense must not enter; and so devotees fall down at the threshold and
+worship, where they should stand erect in reliance on their own reason
+and judgment, and examine fearlessly for themselves into those doctrines
+on a belief in which their everlasting salvation is said to depend.
+
+Jesus, the son of Mary, but not the son of Joseph, Mary's husband, was,
+according to his biographers, an illegitimate child--at least, his
+birth seems to have been brought about in a most illegitimate way. One
+Matthew, who pretends to know a great deal about this child, even before
+it was born, wishes his readers to infer that Jesus was descended in
+a direct line from that worthy man and favourite of God, King David,
+through exactly twenty-eight generations; that is, down to Joseph, who
+was not the father of Jesus at all. He was the son of the Holy Ghost,
+but who or what that was no man knows, and no one has been able to
+comprehend unto this day. Another biographer named Luke, more sensible
+than Matthew, like a modern Welshman traces Jesus's descent direct from
+Adam, who, being the first man, _was_ probably a very distant relative
+of his.
+
+This extraordinary child Jesus, who in his own language was simply
+Joshua, came into the world to fulfil no end of prophecies. He was to be
+called Jesus, that he might save his people from their sins. But he did
+not do it, as the Jews have had amongst them since his time as great
+criminals as ever existed before. He was also to be named Emmanuel,
+"which, being interpreted, is God with us." But he never was called
+Emmanuel, so the second prophecy was fulfilled! He was born in a house
+in the first instance, and a star was seen to walk before certain wise
+men and direct them where he was. In the second instance he was born in
+a manger, in the stable of an inn where certain shepherds found Mary,
+and Joseph, and the babe lying. These were not wise men from the East,
+but poor ignorant shepherds from the neighbouring fields, and they
+were not led by a star, but had seen an angel of the Lord by night, who
+terrified them very much, and departed without telling them in which
+particular manger the Saviour was to be found. The angel appeared amid
+loud sounds of "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and
+good-will towards men." If those glad tidings of great joy _were_ heard
+then, they have never been heard since, for the advent of this child was
+the signal for war, and strife, and bloodshed among mankind, which have
+desolated every land where the Christian name has been spoken. After
+their fright was over, the shepherds consulted together, and resolved to
+go into Bethlehem, to look for "this thing which had come to pass." They
+alighted upon Joseph and his family all lying in a manger, much to the
+surprise of Mary, who evidently did not comprehend what the excitement
+was about, for we are told that "Mary kept all these things, and
+pondered them in her heart." So after all, who knows that they found the
+right babe at last? If such evidence as is here given were adduced in a
+court of law to prove the identity of a lost heir to an estate, it would
+never be allowed to go even to trial, but the grand jury would ignore
+the bill at once.
+
+However, as Jesus was declared the rightful heir, we must accept that
+fact, and proceed to examine how far he administered the great estate
+to which he was born. Joseph was a very drowsy man, who had to be
+continually warned and roused by angels as to what he should do and the
+dangers which threatened him. Being made wide awake to the fact that
+Herod sought to kill the child, he suddenly fled into Egypt with
+his family, and there remained till the death of Herod, that another
+prophecy might be fulfilled, "Out of Egypt have I called my son." But he
+did not go into Egypt, but was taken back to Nazareth at eight days
+old, and there remained till he was a man. So the third prophecy was
+fulfilled!
+
+Jesus is familiarly known by the name of the "meek and lowly," but this
+is a title which scarcely seems warranted by the narratives. From
+his youth upwards he gave signs of the possession of an imperious
+disposition and a vituperative tongue, and he on several occasions
+manifested a want of filial affection. His parents went to Jerusalem
+every year to the feast of the Passover, and at the age of twelve Jesus
+was taken. When the parents returned, the boy remained behind unknown
+to them, and they had got a day's journey on their way home before they
+missed him. They retraced their steps to Jerusalem in much trouble, and
+at last, after three days' search, found the truant comfortably seated
+in the temple in the midst of the doctors, holding a learned argument
+with them. When his mother saw him she asked him why he had caused them
+so much sorrow. Instead of showing any penitence, he pertly answered,
+"How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my
+Father's business?" And Mary, though she knew he was the son of the Holy
+Ghost, had not the slightest idea what he meant.
+
+When he "began to be about thirty years of age," he met with John
+Baptist, a strange sort of anchorite, who used to dress in camelshair
+and eat locusts and wild honey. From this cynic Jesus learnt much,
+especially the habit of calling names. When people presented themselves
+to John to be baptised, he greeted them in this loving way--"O
+generation of vipers, who hath warned _you_ to flee from the wrath to
+come?" Jesus was baptised, and afterwards retailed much that John had
+said, especially his abusive phrases. At this ceremony of immersion the
+heavens opened to Jesus, and the Spirit of God descended like a dove and
+alighted upon him. This Spirit assumes as many shapes as Satan himself,
+and altogether appears to be a very curious bird of passage. This
+baptism was not a happy thing to Jesus, for immediately afterwards he
+was led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the Devil,
+and he had to fast forty days and forty nights, and afterwards, we are
+gravely told, "he was an hungered," which is not a remarkable fact,
+seeing that he was a young man of very good appetite. We shall see, as
+we get farther on, that his love of eating and drinking was manifested
+on many carious occasions. The Old and New Testaments teem with accounts
+of feasts and carouses by the chosen of the Lord, and the Lord himself,
+to such a degree, that Christianity has not inaptly been termed the
+religion of gourmands. Jesus frequently manifests great readiness and
+smartness in reply, which is either an answer to the question addressed
+to him, or a very clever evasion of it. When the Devil had got Jesus,
+he said to him, "If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be
+made bread." The Devil evidently thought that to make something to eat
+would be the greatest temptation he could offer him. But Jesus evaded
+the task by saying, "It is written that man shall not live by bread
+alone." The Devil tried again, and took him to the pinnacle of a temple,
+and asked him to cast himself down, saying--"For it is written He shall
+give his angels charge concerning thee." Jesus said unto him, "It is
+written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." The Devil tried a
+third time, and took him up into an exceeding high mountain, and
+showed him all the kingdoms of this world, and the _glory_ of them, and
+promised him all if he would fall down and worship him. How could Jesus
+see from one spot all the kingdoms of the world? as no one looking
+straight before him can see round a globe; but if it was done by
+supernatural power, why take the trouble to go to the top of an
+exceeding high mountain? the _flat_ country would have been a more
+suitable spot. He also saw the _glory_ of them, which must have puzzled
+him greatly, for what is the glory of one place, is sometimes the shame
+of another, Jesus said, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou
+shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." The
+Devil deemed this conclusive, and thereupon took his departure.
+
+After John the Baptist was cast into prison, Jesus went to reside in
+Capernaum, and there commenced to preach from John's text--"Repent, for
+the kingdom of heaven is at hand." At the outset of his public career
+he was a copyist, and he remained so to the end of his life. He
+simply repeated other men's sayings, or elaborated the traditions and
+prophecies which were so prevalent among the Jews of his day. This
+kingdom of heaven did not mean something in another world somewhere
+in the clouds, but simply a new order of things here, and that more
+especially among the Jews. At times, it must be confessed, it is
+difficult to understand what it meant if not an improved mental state,
+and not a material kingdom at all. Jesus belonged to the working class,
+and his followers were of the lower orders, and he constantly preached
+against riches, which was very popular. His followers now appreciate
+his sublime example so much, that they get rich as fast as they can,
+especially the successors of the Apostles, who are content if they can
+only get princely incomes, and a palace wherein to lay their heads!
+
+Jesus wanted followers, so he walked out by the sea of Galilee, and saw
+Peter and Andrew casting their nets. If they had been only fishing for
+small fry, he could not have more contemptuously addressed them. "And he
+said unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they
+straightway left their nets and followed him." A curious phenomenon
+strikes one here. Peter and Andrew have never seen Jesus before; he does
+not tell them who he is; he explains no principles to them by which to
+enlist their sympathies and awaken conviction--he merely says, "follow
+me, and I will make you fishers of men," and in prospect of that
+delightful occupation they abandon their home and calling to accompany a
+stranger on a doubtful mission, Whatever fish may have come to their net
+afterwards, they certainly could never have caught two greater flat-fish
+than themselves. A more striking instance of blind following is not to
+be found upon record. Peter afterwards became the greatest fanatic of
+all the Disciples, and caused his Master some trouble through his excess
+of zeal. And this is the man to whom are entrusted the keys of heaven.
+No wonder the ignorant fanatics find a ready admission, whilst sensible
+people are excluded. And he too is the great predecessor of the Pope
+of Rome, the head of a Church which preaches the efficacy of saints'
+relics, the liquefaction of blood, and the truth of winking virgins.
+Fanaticism was at the foundation, and delusion and ignorance very
+naturally result. Others followed Jesus, forsaking their nets and their
+parents, and they went about all Galilee, Jesus preaching and curing
+all sorts of disease and sickness--and curious indeed were some of his
+cures, such as are not mentioned in any modern pharmacopoeia. Having
+vanquished great Satan himself on three occasions, the minor devils had
+no chance with him, and woe betide all who came before him inhabiting
+human beings. All these cures were performed that a prophecy might be
+fulfilled, "which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying-, Himself
+took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." But then he did nothing
+of the kind. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! To cure a disease is
+not to take it upon ourselves; if it were, the Royal College of Surgeons
+would soon become an institution of the past. You might love your
+neighbour as yourself, but to be expected to have the measles tor him,
+would cool the warmest friendship.
+
+One style of cure Jesus had which may have been very efficacious, but
+it certainly was not delicate. Once a deaf man, who had an impediment in
+his speech, was brought to him to be healed. Jesus took him aside from
+the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and spat and touched
+his tongue. And a blind man was brought to him, whom he took by the hand
+and led out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his
+hands on him, asked him if he saw aught And the man was restored to
+sight This kind of lubrication could scarcely be deemed pleasant.
+
+Neither do we find an incentive to cleanliness in this, for we are told,
+"as he spake, a certain Pharisee besought him to dine with him; and
+he went in, and sat down to meat And when the Pharisee saw it, he
+mar-yelled that he had not first washed before dinner. And the Lord said
+onto him, Now do ye Pharisees make clean the outside of the cup and the
+platter; but your inward part is full of ravening wickedness. Ye
+fools, did not he that made that which is _without_, make that which it
+_within_ also?" This may be very true, but it is also very dirty; and
+though it may satisfy the Son of God, would not be an excuse for any man
+who wished to be considered decent.
+
+The fame of Jesus spread rapidly, and great multitudes flocked to hear
+him. One day he went up into a mountain, and addressed the people, but
+his discourse was of rather an extravagant description. As we understand
+matters in these days, what is the amount of truth contained in the
+following sentences?--
+
+"Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
+
+"Blessed art they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
+
+"Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
+
+"Blessed an the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
+
+"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
+
+"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of
+God.
+
+"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for
+theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
+
+"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall
+say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake."
+
+This kingdom of heaven is past all comprehension. The poor in spirit
+have it, and the persecuted for righteousness' sake have it; and if
+these are the penalties to be paid for its possession, it is not worth
+the winning. Then is it possible or proper for any one to act in this
+way:--"If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out; if thy right hand
+offend thee, cut it off?" Who in his senses would think of doing so?
+Who would stand by and allow others to do it? And who lives according
+to this Christian principle, and who follows this precept:--"Resist not
+evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the
+other also?" In the first place, it is grossly immoral _not_ to resist
+evil; and in the second, all the world repudiates the doctrine of
+non-resistance under such circumstances. If any one smites us on the
+right cheek, do we not quickly turn and hit him on the left? It is a
+natural instinct, and to act otherwise is cowardice. Do the proceedings
+of our law courts furnish many instances of the adoption of this
+recommendation:--"And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away
+thy coat, let him have thy cloak also?" One half humanity would very
+soon be stripped by the other half. "And whoever shall compel thee to
+go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him
+that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." No one with any spirit
+or power of resistance would think of submitting to the _compulsion_ of
+walking a mile with a person, much less of going two in the company of
+one whose society might be a nuisance. And if we are to give to every
+one that asketh, what are our vagrancy laws but a flagrant violation
+of Christianity? The injunction is here given without the slightest
+qualification, and is an encouragement to mendicancy the world over.
+
+There are one or two precepts specially binding on Christians of the
+present day! This, for instance, is very much obeyed:--"And when thou
+prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray
+standing in the synagogues, _and in the corners of the streets_, that
+they may be seen of men." This, we know, is universally observed by
+the followers of Jesus. It is obeyed by the ordained minister in his
+canonicals; the Primitive in his whitewashed tabernacle; the Methodist
+in his tub; the Revivalists in their delirious and epileptic gatherings;
+the Ranters in their camp meetings, and howling peregrinations through
+our country towns and villages; and above all, those highly gifted young
+men belonging to the Town Mission, who render the night hideous by their
+insane ravings at the corners of the streets and in the paths of public
+places. It is consoling to find the "salt of the earth" such consistent
+followers of their great Master. It is because _they_ are the salt of
+the earth, that the world has got into such a precious pickle.
+
+Bishops especially, and pluralists in particular, nurse in their hearts
+this saying: "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth." No, poor
+men, they think too much about their heavenly Father! A few thousand!
+a year are quite sufficient for them. And Christian bankers and
+millionaires equally regard the injunction.
+
+This is a Christian country, and we are a Christian people, and our
+various provident and benefit societies and savings' banks tell how we
+esteem this command: "Take no thought for the morrow, saying, What shall
+we eat? or, what shall we drink? or, wherewithal shall we be clothed?"
+We don't think of the morrow merely, but of years to come, and he who is
+the most careful in providing for the future, is most honoured amongst
+men.
+
+Now all these impracticable and extravagant commands are taken from the
+much-vaunted Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus said, whosoever heard them,
+and obeyed them, he would liken unto a _wise_ man; but whosoever obeyed
+them not, he would liken unto a foolish man. It may be an honour to be
+deemed foolish in such a case; but what shall we say of the professing
+Christian, who considers himself so much superior to the Freethinker,
+and who boasts of his principles being the checks which keep him moral,
+and says that if it had not been for his blessed Saviour the world would
+have been lost? Why, out of the mouth of Jesus himself he is proved to
+be a hypocrite and foolish, for he does what is solemnly condemned,
+and leaves undone what is strictly enjoined. "And it came to pass,
+when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people _were_ astonished at
+his doctrine." And can any rational inquirer be astonished at that?
+On reading over these Gospels calmly, and seeing what are attributed to
+Jesus as his sayings and doings, one is amazed at the credulity of the
+world in allowing such a stupendous delusion as the Christian religion
+to be palmed upon it as something divine derived direct from Deity.
+
+After this startling sermon, great multitudes followed Jesus, and
+wherever he went he healed the sick and performed miracles, but he
+generally enjoined the convalescents not to mention to any one what
+he had done. The reason for this is not given, but if one may make a
+conjecture, it was either because he had really worked no cure at all,
+or else he was afraid of having too many demands made upon his time.
+We are told that when "Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave
+commandment to depart unto the other side" of the water, that he might
+get away from them. Before he departed, a disciple said unto him, "Lord,
+suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,
+Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead." Is this an instance of
+meekness?
+
+When on board the ship, a great storm came on, and the sailors were
+afraid of being wrecked. So they awoke Jesus, telling him of their
+danger. He first chided them, and then scolded the winds and the waves,
+which at once subsided. When he was come to the other side, into the
+country of the Gergesenes, he was met by two men possessed with devils,
+who asked him if he had come to torment them before their time? And
+singular to say, the devils also, from the _interior_, entered into
+conversation with Jesus, asking as a favour, that if they were cast out,
+they might be allowed to go into a herd of swine which were feeding some
+distance off. Why they should choose such an abode is not apparent; but
+having permission to go, they at once entered into possession, much to
+the astonishment of the poor porkies, who took fright and ran violently
+down a steep hill into the sea, and all, to the number of 2,000,
+perished in the waters. O unhappy pigs! O miserable devils! the Son of
+man, whom you had never injured, worked your speedy destruction. "And,
+behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw him,
+they besought him that he would depart out of _their_ coasts." They
+had more desire to save their bacon than to see miracles worked at the
+expense of their pigs. Jesus entered into a ship and came over to his
+own city, where a certain ruler came and worshipped him, saying that his
+daughter was dead, but making the request that she should be raised to
+life again. When Jesus entered the ruler's house, he said, "Give place,
+for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth." And they laughed him to scorn.
+But when the house was cleared he took the girl by the hand, and the
+maid arose. This was regarded as a miracle, but it could not be, because
+Jesus said the girl only slept, and it is not possible that a perfect
+God could tell an untruth.
+
+After this Jesus called together his twelve disciples, and gave them
+instructions what to do. He said:--"Provide neither gold, nor silver,
+nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats,
+neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the workman is worthy of his meat.
+And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is
+worthy; and there abide till ye go hence. And when ye come into a house,
+salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it; but
+if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall
+not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house
+or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It
+shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of
+judgment than for that city." But it is doubtful if he meant the land of
+Sodom and Gomorrha, or Tyre and Sidon. However, though we may overlook
+this uncertainty, we cannot the fact, that a threat of destroying cities
+is held out if his disciples are not received and fed by people upon
+whom they have not the slightest claim. This advice would justify the
+order of 'Mendicant Friars in their lazy habit of living upon all who
+are willing to support them. He also added--"Behold, I send you forth
+as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and
+harmless as doves." Have not the Jesuits carried out this advice? And
+then he gave utterance to this painful truth to which the blood-stained
+pages of history can testify:--"Think not that I am come to send peace
+on earth: I came _not_ to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to
+set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her
+mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man's
+foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother
+more than, me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter
+more than me, is not worthy of me." There has been no peace, and there
+can be none, in the world, so long as the contradictory and impossible
+doctrines of Jesus of Nazareth are taught as infallible truth. House has
+been divided against house, the father's hand lifted against the child,
+and the mother's loving tenderness turned to bitterest hate, because of
+differences of opinion upon Christian dogmas.
+
+While Jesus was making one of his incoherent speeches, somebody told him
+that his mother and brothers were without, desiring to speak with him.
+"But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother?
+and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his
+disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren." There is here
+manifested a want of natural affection unbecoming any man, and which
+justifies M. Rénan in saying, notwithstanding his great reverence for
+Jesus, that he was more loved than loving. There is scarcely a trace of
+affection throughout his life, from his childhood to his death. He
+was mystical and fanatical, like all who seek to set themselves up as
+inspired teachers.
+
+One day Jesus sat by the sea-side and talked to the people in parables.
+He is answerable for the following:--"For whosoever hath to him shall be
+given, and he shall have more abundance; but whosoever hath _not_, from
+him shall be taken away even that he hath." He says immediately after,
+as a sort of apology, "Therefore speak I to then in parables, because
+they seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not, neither do they
+understand."
+
+It would be a miracle greater than that worked among the pigs, if
+anyone did understand. This sort of talk must have been indulged in for
+amusement--it could not have had any serious purport, or if it had, it
+is too profound to be understood.
+
+When Jesus learnt the execution of John the Baptist, he departed into
+a desert place, but the multitude heard of him, and followed him out of
+the cities. And when evening came, the disciples asked him to send the
+multitude away, that they might go into the villages and buy themselves
+victuals. We do not usually find villages in _desert_ places; but that
+was quite as possible in this case as what followed. Jesus said they
+need not go, and told the disciples to give to the people to eat. They
+said, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He said, Bring them
+hither to me. And then looking up to heaven, he blessed and brake, and
+distributed to the multitude. Now out of this very small commissariat,
+about five thousand men, besides women and children, ate and were
+filled, and left twelve baskets full of fragments at the end of the
+feast. All we can deplore is, that the age of miracles is past. If
+anyone could do this now, what a number of attached followers be would
+have, no matter what his speculative opinions might be. He might believe
+in the eternity of punishments; in three Gods in one, or one in three;
+in election, predestination, or transmigration of souls--in short, in
+anything or nothing; if he could only feed his flock by casting his eyes
+up to heaven, he would soon empty all the churches and chapels in the
+kingdom. As Rénan very powerfully points out, no miracle ever yet took
+place under scientific conditions; and till one of this description
+is wrought under such conditions, we must be allowed to suspend our
+judgment. We do not say it did not take place, but we don't believe it.
+It is true it does not say what kind of fishes the two were which served
+to fill five thousand men, _besides_ women and children, who probably
+ran the number up to eight thousand. Perhaps the fishes were whales, as
+the whole story is so "very like a whale" that any suggested solution of
+the astounding tale is legitimate. This miracle was once discussed by a
+society in Chicago, and the 'cute American intellect found a key to the
+mystery, for they _resolved_--"That the multitude must certainly have
+made their repast off _multiplication tables_!"
+
+After this stupendous feat, Jesus constrained his disciples to get into
+the ship and go across the water, whilst he remained behind to get rid
+of his well fed friends. And when night came, the ship was tossed by the
+storm. And in the fourth watch Jesus went unto them walking on the sea.
+When his disciples saw him they said he was a spirit, and cried out for
+fear. But Jesus said, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. Then the
+enthusiastic Peter said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on
+the water. Jesus said, Come; to which Peter responded by stepping out of
+the ship; but he could not float, and began to sink rapidly, and would
+have perished if his master had not put out his hand and saved him.
+If this system of aquatic locomotion could be instituted now, it would
+supersede all lifeboats. But we have little _faith_ in these days of
+scientific facts, and it requires an immense amount of that commodity to
+be able to attempt even what was said to have been accomplished by the
+founders of our national religion.
+
+Jesus did not confine his creative abilities to the solid comforts of
+life, but exercised them upon the liquid luxuries of existence. Being
+invited to a wedding, and there being no wine, his mother, with a
+woman's natural solicitude on such an occasion, said to him, "They have
+no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine
+hour is not yet come." Now, what such a churlish answer had to do with
+the simple remark made by his mother, we leave to gentle Christians
+to say. However, after a time he became more amiable; and, no doubt,
+reflecting upon the disappointment of those who had come to a marriage
+feast, and found nothing but water to drink, he took compassion on
+them, and turned the water into wine, to the extent of "six water pots,
+containing two or three firkins apiece." "This beginning of miracles
+did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his
+disciples believed on him." Well they might; and we fear that any man
+in these days who should do such things, would have many followers, in
+spite of all the preaching of all the teetotallers, who, strange to say,
+for the most part profess to be good Christians, notwithstanding that
+Christ, when he had the opportunity of rebuking wine bibbing, did not do
+so, but encouraged it by supplying the very beverage which teetotallers
+so vehemently condemn.
+
+When Jesus came into the coasts of Cćsarea Philippi, he asked his
+disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of Man am? He was
+anxious to know what people thought of him now that he was become so
+famous. "And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist; some,
+Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them,
+But whom say _ye_ that I am?" Of course Peter was ready to crown all,
+and he said--"Thou art the Christ, the son of the living God." For which
+Jesus blessed Peter, and promised him the keys of the kingdom of heaven;
+but they soon fell to quarrelling, when Jesus said that he must go unto
+Jerusalem, and suffer many things, and be killed, and be raised again
+the third day. Peter rebuked him, and said it should not be; but Jesus
+turned upon him, and said, "Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an
+offence unto me." It was not very dignified or in good taste after
+Peter had imparted such an important fact to him, which was done by a
+revelation of his Father which is in heaven.. But such was the manner of
+Jesus.
+
+When he left Galilee, and came into Judća, he resolved to go to
+Jerusalem; and when he was come to the Mount of Olives, he sent two
+of his disciples to a village on a very questionable errand. It was to
+perform no less an act than the appropriation of a donkey and her colt.
+He told them that, if any one said aught unto them, they were to say,
+"The Lord hath need of them." That kind of answer would scarcely be
+deemed satisfactory in these days, especially to a policeman. He would
+very likely reply, If the Lord hath need of the ass, the magistrate
+hath need of thee; and if the instigator of the deed were not the actual
+thief, he would be charged as an accessory before the fact, and would
+be provided with board and lodging at the expense of the county for
+at least twelve months. This was done that another prophecy might be
+fulfilled, which said, "Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy king
+cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of
+an ass." But this prophet must have been an ass, or he would have known
+that even the Son of man would find it difficult to sit upon two asses
+of such unequal size at the same time. Apart from the absurdity of the
+story, it is an example of very loose notions indeed of the rights of
+property, which, if stated of Mahomet, of Joseph Smith the Mormon, or
+any other founder of a religious sect, would be quoted as a proof of his
+obliquity of moral vision. After this successful exploit of taking unto
+himself other people's goods, Jesus became quite daring; and when he got
+to Jerusalem he went into the temple of God, where he found a number of
+people carrying on their usual business. He had no more right there than
+they had--in fact, not so much, as he was a stranger to the city. But,
+notwithstanding this, he got a rope, and thrashed every one out of
+the place, upsetting the tables and chairs, and creating such a
+consternation as only a Bedlamite broken loose would be likely to
+produce. Though this was immediately after the appropriation of the two
+donkeys, upon which he had actually ridden to the temple, he called all
+the tradespeople dishonest, and accused them of having turned the place
+into a den of thieves. Whatever it might have been before he came,
+certainly one would think the designation not inappropriate after the
+arrival of himself and his disciples. He was not arrested on the spot
+for this act of assault and battery; but what should we think of the
+City Police Commissioner if he neglected to order into custody any mad
+enthusiast who might so conduct himself on the Stock Exchange? But he
+would not, and the enthusiast's vagaries and his visit to the police
+cell would be a very little time apart. It would be no use his alleging
+that he was about his Father's business, and that he was fulfilling
+prophecy--that would only aggravate the offence. He would be told that
+if his father did not take better care of him, the county asylum would;
+and the prophet would very soon be "wanted" who had instigated such
+folly.
+
+Jesus did not remain in the city during the night--it was not prudent
+after such an advent in the morning, but he went and lodged in Bethany,
+a little way out of town. In returning next morning he was hungry, so,
+when he came to a fig-tree, he looked at it hoping to find some fruit
+on it, but there was none, as it was not the right season. We should
+forgive an excited hungry man here if he, in a moment of forgetfulness,
+looked for apples in winter; but if he began to curse the tree for not
+bearing fruit out of season, we should think he was mad past doubt. Yet
+this is exactly what Jesus did; and not only so, but he withered the
+tree that it should not bear fruit thenceforward forever. His disciples
+marvelled at what he had done, as well they might. "Jesus answered and
+said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not,
+ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye
+shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into
+the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in
+prayer, believing, ye shall receive." No persons have ever yet had the
+requisite amount of faith to remove mountains; and the less they try
+such credulity on fruit trees, the better for our orchards. Nobody does
+or can believe such insane talk. Jesus went to the temple again, and
+whilst he was preaching, the Chief Priests and elders came and asked him
+by what authority he did such things. In true Quaker style he answered
+them by asking a question, which had the merit of being impossible of
+solution. He said--"The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or
+of men?" They said: "We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell
+I you by what authority I do these things." That seemed to silence his
+interrogators, but it did not answer them. It was a favourite way with
+this Messiah; and we remain as much in the dark to this hour as did the
+Chief Priests and elders. This method of evasion is also exemplified
+in the case of the tribute money. When asked whether it was lawful to
+render tribute unto Cćsar, he said, looking at a coin, "Whose is this
+image and superscription?" They said, Cćsar's. "Then saith he unto them,
+Render therefore unto Cćsar the things which are Cćsar's, and unto God
+the things that are God's." Rénan says on this point--"To establish as
+a principle that we must recognise the legitimacy of a power by the
+inscription on its coins, to proclaim that the perfect man pays tribute
+with scorn, and without question, was to destroy Republicanism in the
+ancient form, and to favour all tyranny. Christianity, in this sense,
+has contributed much to weaken the sense of duty of the citizen, and to
+deliver the world into the absolute power of existing circumstances."
+But we are not surprised that he should so readily teach the payment of
+tribute, considering how easy he found it to pay tribute himself;
+for the ludicrous account given in Matthew, in the same chapter which
+describes the transfiguration, shows Jesus discharging his own liability
+and that of Peter in the most original manner imaginable. Not wishing
+to offend the tax collectors, he said to Peter--"Go thou to the sea, and
+cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou
+hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: take that, and
+give unto them for me and thee." If fish of this description swam
+in rivers now, they would be preserved to the exclusion of the most
+delicious members of the finny tribe. Every man would be an angler,
+and fishing-tackle making would be the most lucrative trade known.
+Take another instance of evasion. The Sadducees did not believe in
+the resurrection, so they put a question to Jesus on that point. They
+instanced a woman who had been married to seven brothers in succession,
+all of whom had died. Therefore, in the resurrection, they asked whose
+wife she would be out of the seven when they met again. This was quickly
+disposed of, for "Jesus answered and said onto them, Ye do err, not
+knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. For In the resurrection
+they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of
+God in heaven." If this is so, what becomes of the hope which believers
+in immortality have that in heaven they will be joined again to those
+they have lost on earth? This great consolation of the Christian is
+founded on a delusion. Jesus also supplemented his statement with this
+remarkable declaration, "But as touching the resurrection of the dead,
+have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the
+God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is _not_
+the God of the _dead_, but of the _living_," What then is the use
+of Catholic prayers for the souls of those in Purgatory? What is the
+utility of our burial service, which goes upon the supposition that God
+will attend to our requests as touching the dead we are about to consign
+to the grave? Freethinkers and rational thinkers discard the whole
+ceremony as a mockery. When once dead, the particles which composed our
+bodies are dissolved, and pass into new combinations--_we_ never live
+again.
+
+After he had done all his preaching, and had thoroughly aroused the ire
+of the authorities and most of the people of Jerusalem against him,
+he began to fear that he would have to suffer for it, and he told his
+disciples so. After they had supped together in the house of one of
+the friends, they departed to the Mount of Olives outside the city, and
+Jesus said they would all be offended with him because of that night.
+Peter the loquacious declared, that though all men might be offended
+because of him, he would never be. Jesus had no great opinion of Peter's
+steadfastness, and told him, notwithstanding his protestations of
+attachment, that before the cock crew he would deny him thrice. Peter
+asseverated again: "Though I should die with ye, yet will I not deny
+thee." Poor Peter's word, like his judgment, however, was not to be
+relied upon, for the very next day he denied all knowledge of Jesus, and
+when pressed for an answer, he began to curse and to swear that he had
+never seen him. Soon after this the Garden of Gethsemane, into which
+they had entered; was surrounded by a multitude with staves and with
+swords, and Jesus was arrested, Peter the dauntless did make some
+resistance, and cut off the ear of Malchus, a servant of the High
+Priest; but the loss was only temporary, for we are told that Jesus
+immediately "touched his ear, and healed him," and if this does not
+mean that he stuck the ear on again, what does it mean? When Jesus
+was arrested in the Garden, all the disciples, escaped as quickly as
+possible, but Peter followed at a distance; and when Jesus was taken to
+the house of Caiaphas the High Priest, Peter entered and mixed with
+the servants. He was soon recognised as a follower of Jesus; but when
+accused of the fact, he stoutly denied it three times, the last with
+oaths, like the low-bred man he was; for though he had been consorting
+with Jesus a long time, he had not learnt refinement of manners,
+which is not wonderful, as Jesus certainly did not set an example of
+choiceness of language, his favourite mode of speech being to call
+people fools, and to launch curses at them. But Peter had to fulfil a
+prophecy--namely, that he would deny his master _thrice_, before the
+cock crew _twice_, which he did before the cock crew _once_. And so that
+prophecy was fulfilled!
+
+When Jesus was first examined on the charge of blasphemy he remained
+silent, and would not answer any questions put to him. Then Caiaphas
+said--"I adjure thee by the living God that thou tell us whether thou be
+Christ, the Son of God." Jesus at last replied--"Thou hast said," which
+may fairly be interpreted to mean, "You say I am, not I." This is in
+keeping with his usual evasive mode of answering, as before pointed out.
+Especially as he continued--"Nevertheless I say unto you, _Hereafter_
+shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and
+coming in the clouds of heaven." This was declared blasphemous, and we
+know how excited bigoted people get when that word is pronounced. So
+they struck the enthusiast, as he had struck others in the temple. In
+the morning he was bound and led before Pilate the governor, who asked
+him, "Art thou the king of the Jews?" He again answered, "Thou sayest"
+And when the Chief Priests and elders repeated their charges, he still
+refused to answer them, which surprised Pilate. However, Pilate saw no
+harm in what he had done, and was anxious to set him at liberty; but the
+priests, as is usual with them, persisted in their demands of vengeance
+against one who had offended them. Then Jesus was delivered over to the
+soldiers to be crucified, which was a very barbarous mode of execution.
+He was cruelly treated by the soldiers, who were incited thereto by
+the priests. He died the death of a malefactor, but his end was brought
+about by his own wild and extravagant conduct. In these days he would
+have been confined as a lunatic, but in that barbarous time, and
+under the influence of priests, he was tortured to death. No one
+can contemplate his fate, whatever his faults may have been, without
+feelings of sorrow. But if his death was to fulfil prophecy, and to save
+a lost and ruined world, we ought to regard it with exultation and great
+joy, and not only observe Good Friday as a national holiday, but every
+Friday as a public festival. But who, on calmly reading the narrative,
+and dismissing from his mind the fables taught him in his childhood, can
+see anything supernatural in Jesus' life and death? He displayed through
+life all the infirmities and littlenesses of a man, and he died like one
+who had brought about his own death by his own acts. When on the cross,
+and no doubt in mortal agony, he exclaimed, in the utterness of despair,
+like one who had long trusted to a delusion, and when too late had found
+out his mistake--"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" The Chief
+Priests and elders, the people about, and even the two thieves who were
+dying with him, jeered him for his folly, saying, "He trusted in God;
+let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son
+of God." But there was no deliverance from heaven for him more than for
+any other man.
+
+Jesus had acted so extravagantly from the time he entered on public
+life that it is not surprising that his followers were infected by his
+example, and it is to them we are indebted for the re-appearance of
+Jesus after he was dead and buried. He himself said that he was to
+fulfil the prophecy of Jonas, for, as he was three days and three nights
+in the belly of the whale, so should the Son of man be three days and
+three nights in the heart of the earth. Yet he never went into the heart
+of the earth, but was laid in a tomb or cave with a door to it; and he
+was not even there three days and three nights, but only two nights,
+and not two days altogether. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! Jesus
+prophesied his own resurrection only, but the earthquake which followed
+his death was no respecter of persons, for when the veil of the temple
+was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake,
+and the rocks were rent, the graves were opened, and many bodies of
+the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after his
+resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many. No
+orthodox, Christians doubt for a moment that Jesus rose again from the
+dead, because he was to do so, and he was the Son of God; but do they
+believe these unknown saints revisited the glimpses of the moon, and
+experienced a resurrection equal to that of Jesus, for no purpose at
+all, and for no merit of their own? Yet we have no more authority for
+the one than the other, and no reason to believe one more than the
+other. Toward the end of the Sabbath (that is, Saturday evening) came
+Mary Magdalene, with the other Mary, to see the sepulchre where Jesus
+was laid, and another earthquake took place, and the angel of the Lord
+descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door,
+and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment
+like snow. He told the women that Jesus had risen, and asked them to see
+the place where the Lord lay. But whether they looked or not we are not
+told, but they ran away with fear and great joy to tell the disciples.
+And as they went, whom should they meet but Jesus himself, who said
+to them, "All hail." But then there is some little confusion in this
+infallible narrative. It was not towards the end of Saturday, but very
+early in the morning of Sunday, at the rising of the sun, that the women
+came, and for the purpose of anointing the body. And the stone was still
+against the door, and they said, Who shall roll us away the stone? But
+when they looked again the stone was away, and on entering the sepulchre
+they saw a young man dressed in white sitting _inside_, and no angel
+with a lightning face sitting _outside_. The women fled with terror, but
+told no man what they had seen; and it isa mystery to this day how that
+which was never told to any one is known to nearly all the world. Jesus
+did not meet the two Marys, but appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of
+whom he had cast seven devils. She went and told the disciples about the
+resurrection, but they believed her not. He appeared afterwards to two
+of his disciples, but they did not believe in his resurrection, neither
+did the eleven disciples, to whom he appeared. If they who knew him
+intimately did not believe in it after only three days' absence from
+them, shall we, after a lapse of eighteen hundred years, put faith in
+this clumsy, impossible, and absurd fable? But perhaps the condition
+he attached to the belief may have something to do with the faith of so
+many people in these days. He said, after upbraiding his disciples for
+their unbelief and hardness of heart--"He that believeth and is baptised
+shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned." That threat,
+fulminated from thousands of pulpits, has frightened timid and weak
+people in nearly every age of the Christian era. But then again there
+were not two women but many who went to the sepulchre, and they found
+the stone away; and when they entered they saw two men in shining
+garments, and the women did not conceal what they had seen, but went and
+told all the disciples, but they were not believed. This time the lively
+Peter ran to the tomb to look for himself, and saw nothing but the linen
+clothes lying by themselves. After that two of the disciples went to
+Emmana, where Jesus himself joined them, but they knew him not, and did
+not believe the story of his resurrection. He then rebuked them in
+his usual sweet and placid style, by exclaiming, "O fools, and slow of
+heart," and beginning at Moses and all the prophets, "he expounded unto
+them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself," which must
+have been a tolerably long discourse for one so recently out of the
+grave. They asked him to stop with them and have something to eat,
+which, his appetite being as good as ever, he consented to do; and it
+was his mode of breaking bread and blessing it that convinced them that
+he was Jesus. And he then vanished out of their sight. They went to
+Jerusalem and told the others what they had seen, and while they were
+talking Jesus stood in the midst of them; but they did not know him
+again, but took him to be a spirit. He said--"Behold my hands and my
+feet, that it is myself; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones as ye see
+me have." And while they yet believed not for joy and wondered, he said
+unto them, "Have ye here any meat?" He was again hungry, and they gave
+him a piece of broiled fish and a honeycomb. And he took it, and did eat
+before them. That was enough to convince them a second time. "And he led
+them out as far as Bethany, and he lifted up his hands and blessed them.
+And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and
+carried up into heaven," with the broiled fish on his stomach, where he
+entered into joy everlasting.
+
+The foregoing will certainly be declared "blasphemous" by all true
+believers, and will no doubt be pronounced a "caricature" of Jesus by
+even Unitarians. But the fault does not lie with us--it is in the text,
+which we did not make. We are not responsible for the representation,
+for we have scrupulously followed the inspired delineations of the
+Evangelists. Let us briefly sum up this biography.
+
+Jesus was the Son of God, and not the son of his mother's husband, and
+his mother remained a virgin notwithstanding his conception and birth,
+although she strangely offered the usual sacrifice when the days of her
+purification were accomplished.
+
+He was descended from the royal line of David, that is, Joseph the
+husband of his mother was so descended; but then Joseph was not his
+father at all.
+
+The miraculous boy was to fulfil many prophecies; but although he often
+purposely acted in order to fulfil them, several given as illustrations
+are singularly wide of the mark.
+
+At twelve years of age he was a match for learned doctors in
+disputation, and could pertly rebuke his mother for inquiring where he
+had been for three days and three nights.
+
+He was baptised at thirty by John, who taught him rudeness of manners;
+and though a dove descended direct from heaven, and alighted on his
+head, he was immediately taken by the spirit into very dangerous places,
+was kept a remarkably long time without food, and was very strangely
+tempted by the Devil in person.
+
+He became a great talker, dealt largely in mystical language, and
+gathered followers from the poorest, most ignorant, and most credulous
+of his countrymen.
+
+He cured all sorts of diseases and afflictions, though there is no
+evidence that he ever underwent a medical training.
+
+He worked miracles, as became an Eastern founder of a sect, but his
+achievements scarcely rank as high as the tricks of an Indian juggler.
+
+He was uneducated, and never, so far as the record goes, wrote a line
+in his life; but as a preacher he was famous, and always succeeded
+in making his hearers marvel at his strange doctrines--doctrines so
+contradictory that no sane man can follow them.
+
+He was vituperative in his language, austere in his manners, undutiful
+and repelling to his mother.
+
+He appropriated other persons' property, and immediately after violently
+assaulted a large number of men, whom he charged with being dishonest.
+
+When asked questions touching vital points of his own doctrines, he
+usually gave evasive answers.
+
+He promised his disciples all sorts of wonderful powers if they would
+believe in him, and he promised also to come in a cloud with great glory
+before that generation passed away; but having risen from the grave, and
+ascended into heaven, he has not returned in a cloud with glory up to
+the time of our going to press.
+
+He ultimately met the death of a malefactor, and in the last moments of
+agony his fanaticism was strong upon him, for he promised to the thief
+who flattered him that he would meet him that day in paradise, though he
+did not go there himself till about six weeks afterwards.
+
+After his death he was brought to life again, thus defying all the laws
+of physiology. When but just out of the grave, his powers of preaching
+were as strong as ever, and his appetite as vigorous as though he had
+returned from a long journey; and after partaking of a singular repast,
+and before he had had time to digest it, he ascended into the clouds
+without the aid of a balloon, and was seen no more.
+
+All this, with much more of the same incredible nature, is taught as
+infallible truth by some of the best educated men the Universities can
+produce, and belief in the whole of it is necessary to "respectability"
+in this life, and to salvation in a life after death. How educated men
+can believe it, is a mystery which we trust the School Boards of the
+future will be able to unravel; at present we find it as insoluble as
+all the other sublime mysteries of Christianity, for we cannot believe
+that a University training necessarily makes men hypocrites, and we are
+loth to believe that on one most important subject it necessarily makes
+them imbecile.
+
+There would be fewer believers if there were more inquirers. The
+advocates of Bible reading in Elementary Schools must feel that there
+is danger to the faith lurking in the future if that "precious book"
+is read and not "expounded." Dogmatic teaching is the stronghold of
+the religion of Christendom. The "plain, unvarnished tale" of the
+Four Gospels would carry with it its own condemnation, for the best
+refutation of Christianity is a true knowledge of Christ.
+
+
+          Printed and Published by
+          C. Watts,  17, Johnson's Court, Fleet St, London, E.C.
+          PRICE TWOPENCE
+
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+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <title>
+      Ludicrous Aspects of Christianity: by Austin Holyoak
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+    
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
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+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
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+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+Project Gutenberg's Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by Austin Holyoak
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity
+       A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester
+
+Author: Austin Holyoak
+
+Release Date: July 20, 2011 [EBook #36800]
+Last Updated: January 25, 2013
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <h1>
+      LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY:
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <h2>
+      By Austin Holyoak
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br /> <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Bishop of Manchester, in a speech delivered by him in Oldham in
+      August, 1870, is reported to have said that "he could defy anyone to try
+      to caricature the work, the character, or the person of the Lord Jesus
+      Christ." He no doubt felt confident in throwing out such a challenge, as
+      the attempt would be considered so atrociously impious that few men could
+      be found with courage enough to incur the odium of such an act. We confess
+      that we have not the temerity to wound the sensitiveness of the devoutly
+      religious. What may be deemed of the nature of caricature in the following
+      remarks the reader is requested to regard as merely the spontaneous
+      utterance of one who is keenly alive to the ludicrous, and who is not awed
+      by the belief that the Bible is an infallible volume. We find the New
+      Testament, when read without the deceptive spectacles of <i>faith</i> as
+      amusing, as extravagant, and as contradictory in many places as most
+      books.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A system of religion, to be a moral guide to men, should be perfect in all
+      its parts. It should not consist of a few precepts which might be followed
+      under certain circumstances, the rest being made up of impossibilities and
+      contradictions; but should be so comprehensive as to embrace all orders of
+      men under all circumstances. And a divine exemplar to mankind, if such a
+      being can be imagined, should possess every human virtue in perfection,
+      and be absolutely without fault. We are told daily and hourly that Jesus
+      Christ possesses these transcendent qualities, and is worthy of the homage
+      and admiration of the world. We ask where this divine image is to be
+      found, and are referred to the four Gospels in the New Testament. All that
+      is there written was written by inspiration of God, and God therefore is
+      the painter of the lineaments of his own Son. We will take it as such, and
+      see what aspect Jesus presents when viewed in the light we are able to
+      bring to bear upon his portrait. We shall follow a somewhat different plan
+      to that adopted by M. Rénan. That great French writer has evidently gone
+      to his task with the intention or anticipation of finding an almost
+      perfect man, and he ends by believing he really sees one in Jesus. We have
+      taken up the Gospels with the desire of finding what is actually there;
+      and as it appears to us, so we will present it to the reader. We know that
+      some will view the sayings and actions in a different light; but that is
+      inevitable. No two persons ever see in the painted portrait of a friend or
+      relative, precisely the same expression; yet they may be equally honest.
+      Now we claim to be regarded as truthful in the following portraiture,
+      though Jesus appears to us a very different man to what he appeared to M.
+      Renan. Some may say we are flippant, but that we cannot help, though we
+      may regret it. We must express ourselves in our own way, and we most be
+      excused if we laugh at what seems ludicrous or absurd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We may be accused of a want of reverence, but we cannot feel reverence for
+      what does not excite that feeling in us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These pages are not critical&mdash;they do not pretend to be learned&mdash;they
+      do not seek to explain away anything on the score of "forgeries" or
+      "interpolations." They are based upon the supposition that the <i>Four</i>
+      Gospels are each and collectively true, and without contradiction. No
+      attempt is made to reconcile contradictions by rejecting all that does not
+      harmonise. The Churches do not do so&mdash;they cling to all within the
+      two covers of the "sacred book," and of course take the responsibility.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing will be here set down that Jesus did not utter; no meaning will be
+      put upon his words that they will not legitimately bear; we have judged of
+      him as we find him in the general actions of his life. A devout believer
+      will exclaim, with uplifted hands and eyes&mdash;"Oh, this is blasphemy;
+      it is revolting to the moral sense; Christ was the Son of God, and
+      therefore perfect. He could not be what you have represented him to be, or
+      people long ago would have ceased to worship him. He is the one sublime
+      character whose image fills the world, and before whom millions bow the
+      head in reverent humility." Just so; that is where the delusion arises.
+      Men have been taught that they must not think&mdash;that they must not
+      doubt&mdash;that they must not examine the grounds of their faith&mdash;they
+      must <i>believe</i>, and that the sin of unbelief is everlasting
+      perdition. A halo of sanctity is thrown around this distorted image&mdash;there
+      is a sacred mystery, a "holy of holies" into which common sense must not
+      enter; and so devotees fall down at the threshold and worship, where they
+      should stand erect in reliance on their own reason and judgment, and
+      examine fearlessly for themselves into those doctrines on a belief in
+      which their everlasting salvation is said to depend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus, the son of Mary, but not the son of Joseph, Mary's husband, was,
+      according to his biographers, an illegitimate child&mdash;at least, his
+      birth seems to have been brought about in a most illegitimate way. One
+      Matthew, who pretends to know a great deal about this child, even before
+      it was born, wishes his readers to infer that Jesus was descended in a
+      direct line from that worthy man and favourite of God, King David, through
+      exactly twenty-eight generations; that is, down to Joseph, who was not the
+      father of Jesus at all. He was the son of the Holy Ghost, but who or what
+      that was no man knows, and no one has been able to comprehend unto this
+      day. Another biographer named Luke, more sensible than Matthew, like a
+      modern Welshman traces Jesus's descent direct from Adam, who, being the
+      first man, <i>was</i> probably a very distant relative of his.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This extraordinary child Jesus, who in his own language was simply Joshua,
+      came into the world to fulfil no end of prophecies. He was to be called
+      Jesus, that he might save his people from their sins. But he did not do
+      it, as the Jews have had amongst them since his time as great criminals as
+      ever existed before. He was also to be named Emmanuel, "which, being
+      interpreted, is God with us." But he never was called Emmanuel, so the
+      second prophecy was fulfilled! He was born in a house in the first
+      instance, and a star was seen to walk before certain wise men and direct
+      them where he was. In the second instance he was born in a manger, in the
+      stable of an inn where certain shepherds found Mary, and Joseph, and the
+      babe lying. These were not wise men from the East, but poor ignorant
+      shepherds from the neighbouring fields, and they were not led by a star,
+      but had seen an angel of the Lord by night, who terrified them very much,
+      and departed without telling them in which particular manger the Saviour
+      was to be found. The angel appeared amid loud sounds of "Glory to God in
+      the highest, and on earth peace, and good-will towards men." If those glad
+      tidings of great joy <i>were</i> heard then, they have never been heard
+      since, for the advent of this child was the signal for war, and strife,
+      and bloodshed among mankind, which have desolated every land where the
+      Christian name has been spoken. After their fright was over, the shepherds
+      consulted together, and resolved to go into Bethlehem, to look for "this
+      thing which had come to pass." They alighted upon Joseph and his family
+      all lying in a manger, much to the surprise of Mary, who evidently did not
+      comprehend what the excitement was about, for we are told that "Mary kept
+      all these things, and pondered them in her heart." So after all, who knows
+      that they found the right babe at last? If such evidence as is here given
+      were adduced in a court of law to prove the identity of a lost heir to an
+      estate, it would never be allowed to go even to trial, but the grand jury
+      would ignore the bill at once.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      However, as Jesus was declared the rightful heir, we must accept that
+      fact, and proceed to examine how far he administered the great estate to
+      which he was born. Joseph was a very drowsy man, who had to be continually
+      warned and roused by angels as to what he should do and the dangers which
+      threatened him. Being made wide awake to the fact that Herod sought to
+      kill the child, he suddenly fled into Egypt with his family, and there
+      remained till the death of Herod, that another prophecy might be
+      fulfilled, "Out of Egypt have I called my son." But he did not go into
+      Egypt, but was taken back to Nazareth at eight days old, and there
+      remained till he was a man. So the third prophecy was fulfilled!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus is familiarly known by the name of the "meek and lowly," but this is
+      a title which scarcely seems warranted by the narratives. From his youth
+      upwards he gave signs of the possession of an imperious disposition and a
+      vituperative tongue, and he on several occasions manifested a want of
+      filial affection. His parents went to Jerusalem every year to the feast of
+      the Passover, and at the age of twelve Jesus was taken. When the parents
+      returned, the boy remained behind unknown to them, and they had got a
+      day's journey on their way home before they missed him. They retraced
+      their steps to Jerusalem in much trouble, and at last, after three days'
+      search, found the truant comfortably seated in the temple in the midst of
+      the doctors, holding a learned argument with them. When his mother saw him
+      she asked him why he had caused them so much sorrow. Instead of showing
+      any penitence, he pertly answered, "How is it that ye sought me? wist ye
+      not that I must be about my Father's business?" And Mary, though she knew
+      he was the son of the Holy Ghost, had not the slightest idea what he
+      meant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he "began to be about thirty years of age," he met with John Baptist,
+      a strange sort of anchorite, who used to dress in camelshair and eat
+      locusts and wild honey. From this cynic Jesus learnt much, especially the
+      habit of calling names. When people presented themselves to John to be
+      baptised, he greeted them in this loving way&mdash;"O generation of
+      vipers, who hath warned <i>you</i> to flee from the wrath to come?" Jesus
+      was baptised, and afterwards retailed much that John had said, especially
+      his abusive phrases. At this ceremony of immersion the heavens opened to
+      Jesus, and the Spirit of God descended like a dove and alighted upon him.
+      This Spirit assumes as many shapes as Satan himself, and altogether
+      appears to be a very curious bird of passage. This baptism was not a happy
+      thing to Jesus, for immediately afterwards he was led up of the Spirit
+      into the wilderness to be tempted of the Devil, and he had to fast forty
+      days and forty nights, and afterwards, we are gravely told, "he was an
+      hungered," which is not a remarkable fact, seeing that he was a young man
+      of very good appetite. We shall see, as we get farther on, that his love
+      of eating and drinking was manifested on many carious occasions. The Old
+      and New Testaments teem with accounts of feasts and carouses by the chosen
+      of the Lord, and the Lord himself, to such a degree, that Christianity has
+      not inaptly been termed the religion of gourmands. Jesus frequently
+      manifests great readiness and smartness in reply, which is either an
+      answer to the question addressed to him, or a very clever evasion of it.
+      When the Devil had got Jesus, he said to him, "If thou be the Son of God,
+      command that these stones be made bread." The Devil evidently thought that
+      to make something to eat would be the greatest temptation he could offer
+      him. But Jesus evaded the task by saying, "It is written that man shall
+      not live by bread alone." The Devil tried again, and took him to the
+      pinnacle of a temple, and asked him to cast himself down, saying&mdash;"For
+      it is written He shall give his angels charge concerning thee." Jesus said
+      unto him, "It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God."
+      The Devil tried a third time, and took him up into an exceeding high
+      mountain, and showed him all the kingdoms of this world, and the <i>glory</i>
+      of them, and promised him all if he would fall down and worship him. How
+      could Jesus see from one spot all the kingdoms of the world? as no one
+      looking straight before him can see round a globe; but if it was done by
+      supernatural power, why take the trouble to go to the top of an exceeding
+      high mountain? the <i>flat</i> country would have been a more suitable
+      spot. He also saw the <i>glory</i> of them, which must have puzzled him
+      greatly, for what is the glory of one place, is sometimes the shame of
+      another, Jesus said, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou shalt
+      worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." The Devil deemed
+      this conclusive, and thereupon took his departure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After John the Baptist was cast into prison, Jesus went to reside in
+      Capernaum, and there commenced to preach from John's text&mdash;"Repent,
+      for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." At the outset of his public career
+      he was a copyist, and he remained so to the end of his life. He simply
+      repeated other men's sayings, or elaborated the traditions and prophecies
+      which were so prevalent among the Jews of his day. This kingdom of heaven
+      did not mean something in another world somewhere in the clouds, but
+      simply a new order of things here, and that more especially among the
+      Jews. At times, it must be confessed, it is difficult to understand what
+      it meant if not an improved mental state, and not a material kingdom at
+      all. Jesus belonged to the working class, and his followers were of the
+      lower orders, and he constantly preached against riches, which was very
+      popular. His followers now appreciate his sublime example so much, that
+      they get rich as fast as they can, especially the successors of the
+      Apostles, who are content if they can only get princely incomes, and a
+      palace wherein to lay their heads!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus wanted followers, so he walked out by the sea of Galilee, and saw
+      Peter and Andrew casting their nets. If they had been only fishing for
+      small fry, he could not have more contemptuously addressed them. "And he
+      said unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they
+      straightway left their nets and followed him." A curious phenomenon
+      strikes one here. Peter and Andrew have never seen Jesus before; he does
+      not tell them who he is; he explains no principles to them by which to
+      enlist their sympathies and awaken conviction&mdash;he merely says,
+      "follow me, and I will make you fishers of men," and in prospect of that
+      delightful occupation they abandon their home and calling to accompany a
+      stranger on a doubtful mission, Whatever fish may have come to their net
+      afterwards, they certainly could never have caught two greater flat-fish
+      than themselves. A more striking instance of blind following is not to be
+      found upon record. Peter afterwards became the greatest fanatic of all the
+      Disciples, and caused his Master some trouble through his excess of zeal.
+      And this is the man to whom are entrusted the keys of heaven. No wonder
+      the ignorant fanatics find a ready admission, whilst sensible people are
+      excluded. And he too is the great predecessor of the Pope of Rome, the
+      head of a Church which preaches the efficacy of saints' relics, the
+      liquefaction of blood, and the truth of winking virgins. Fanaticism was at
+      the foundation, and delusion and ignorance very naturally result. Others
+      followed Jesus, forsaking their nets and their parents, and they went
+      about all Galilee, Jesus preaching and curing all sorts of disease and
+      sickness&mdash;and curious indeed were some of his cures, such as are not
+      mentioned in any modern pharmacopoeia. Having vanquished great Satan
+      himself on three occasions, the minor devils had no chance with him, and
+      woe betide all who came before him inhabiting human beings. All these
+      cures were performed that a prophecy might be fulfilled, "which was spoken
+      by Esaias the prophet, saying-, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our
+      sicknesses." But then he did nothing of the kind. And so that prophecy was
+      fulfilled! To cure a disease is not to take it upon ourselves; if it were,
+      the Royal College of Surgeons would soon become an institution of the
+      past. You might love your neighbour as yourself, but to be expected to
+      have the measles tor him, would cool the warmest friendship.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One style of cure Jesus had which may have been very efficacious, but it
+      certainly was not delicate. Once a deaf man, who had an impediment in his
+      speech, was brought to him to be healed. Jesus took him aside from the
+      multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and spat and touched his
+      tongue. And a blind man was brought to him, whom he took by the hand and
+      led out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his hands
+      on him, asked him if he saw aught And the man was restored to sight This
+      kind of lubrication could scarcely be deemed pleasant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Neither do we find an incentive to cleanliness in this, for we are told,
+      "as he spake, a certain Pharisee besought him to dine with him; and he
+      went in, and sat down to meat And when the Pharisee saw it, he mar-yelled
+      that he had not first washed before dinner. And the Lord said onto him,
+      Now do ye Pharisees make clean the outside of the cup and the platter; but
+      your inward part is full of ravening wickedness. Ye fools, did not he that
+      made that which is <i>without</i>, make that which it <i>within</i> also?"
+      This may be very true, but it is also very dirty; and though it may
+      satisfy the Son of God, would not be an excuse for any man who wished to
+      be considered decent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fame of Jesus spread rapidly, and great multitudes flocked to hear
+      him. One day he went up into a mountain, and addressed the people, but his
+      discourse was of rather an extravagant description. As we understand
+      matters in these days, what is the amount of truth contained in the
+      following sentences?&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed art they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed an the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of
+      God.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs
+      is the kingdom of heaven.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall
+      say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This kingdom of heaven is past all comprehension. The poor in spirit have
+      it, and the persecuted for righteousness' sake have it; and if these are
+      the penalties to be paid for its possession, it is not worth the winning.
+      Then is it possible or proper for any one to act in this way:&mdash;"If
+      thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out; if thy right hand offend thee,
+      cut it off?" Who in his senses would think of doing so? Who would stand by
+      and allow others to do it? And who lives according to this Christian
+      principle, and who follows this precept:&mdash;"Resist not evil; but
+      whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other
+      also?" In the first place, it is grossly immoral <i>not</i> to resist
+      evil; and in the second, all the world repudiates the doctrine of
+      non-resistance under such circumstances. If any one smites us on the right
+      cheek, do we not quickly turn and hit him on the left? It is a natural
+      instinct, and to act otherwise is cowardice. Do the proceedings of our law
+      courts furnish many instances of the adoption of this recommendation:&mdash;"And
+      if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have
+      thy cloak also?" One half humanity would very soon be stripped by the
+      other half. "And whoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him
+      twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of
+      thee turn not thou away." No one with any spirit or power of resistance
+      would think of submitting to the <i>compulsion</i> of walking a mile with
+      a person, much less of going two in the company of one whose society might
+      be a nuisance. And if we are to give to every one that asketh, what are
+      our vagrancy laws but a flagrant violation of Christianity? The injunction
+      is here given without the slightest qualification, and is an encouragement
+      to mendicancy the world over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are one or two precepts specially binding on Christians of the
+      present day! This, for instance, is very much obeyed:&mdash;"And when thou
+      prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray
+      standing in the synagogues, <i>and in the corners of the streets</i>, that
+      they may be seen of men." This, we know, is universally observed by the
+      followers of Jesus. It is obeyed by the ordained minister in his
+      canonicals; the Primitive in his whitewashed tabernacle; the Methodist in
+      his tub; the Revivalists in their delirious and epileptic gatherings; the
+      Ranters in their camp meetings, and howling peregrinations through our
+      country towns and villages; and above all, those highly gifted young men
+      belonging to the Town Mission, who render the night hideous by their
+      insane ravings at the corners of the streets and in the paths of public
+      places. It is consoling to find the "salt of the earth" such consistent
+      followers of their great Master. It is because <i>they</i> are the salt of
+      the earth, that the world has got into such a precious pickle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bishops especially, and pluralists in particular, nurse in their hearts
+      this saying: "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth." No, poor
+      men, they think too much about their heavenly Father! A few thousand! a
+      year are quite sufficient for them. And Christian bankers and millionaires
+      equally regard the injunction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is a Christian country, and we are a Christian people, and our
+      various provident and benefit societies and savings' banks tell how we
+      esteem this command: "Take no thought for the morrow, saying, What shall
+      we eat? or, what shall we drink? or, wherewithal shall we be clothed?" We
+      don't think of the morrow merely, but of years to come, and he who is the
+      most careful in providing for the future, is most honoured amongst men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now all these impracticable and extravagant commands are taken from the
+      much-vaunted Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus said, whosoever heard them,
+      and obeyed them, he would liken unto a <i>wise</i> man; but whosoever
+      obeyed them not, he would liken unto a foolish man. It may be an honour to
+      be deemed foolish in such a case; but what shall we say of the professing
+      Christian, who considers himself so much superior to the Freethinker, and
+      who boasts of his principles being the checks which keep him moral, and
+      says that if it had not been for his blessed Saviour the world would have
+      been lost? Why, out of the mouth of Jesus himself he is proved to be a
+      hypocrite and foolish, for he does what is solemnly condemned, and leaves
+      undone what is strictly enjoined. "And it came to pass, when Jesus had
+      ended these sayings, the people <i>were</i> astonished at his doctrine."
+      And can any rational inquirer be astonished at that? On reading over these
+      Gospels calmly, and seeing what are attributed to Jesus as his sayings and
+      doings, one is amazed at the credulity of the world in allowing such a
+      stupendous delusion as the Christian religion to be palmed upon it as
+      something divine derived direct from Deity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this startling sermon, great multitudes followed Jesus, and wherever
+      he went he healed the sick and performed miracles, but he generally
+      enjoined the convalescents not to mention to any one what he had done. The
+      reason for this is not given, but if one may make a conjecture, it was
+      either because he had really worked no cure at all, or else he was afraid
+      of having too many demands made upon his time. We are told that when
+      "Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto
+      the other side" of the water, that he might get away from them. Before he
+      departed, a disciple said unto him, "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury
+      my father. But Jesus said unto him, Follow me, and let the dead bury their
+      dead." Is this an instance of meekness?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When on board the ship, a great storm came on, and the sailors were afraid
+      of being wrecked. So they awoke Jesus, telling him of their danger. He
+      first chided them, and then scolded the winds and the waves, which at once
+      subsided. When he was come to the other side, into the country of the
+      Gergesenes, he was met by two men possessed with devils, who asked him if
+      he had come to torment them before their time? And singular to say, the
+      devils also, from the <i>interior</i>, entered into conversation with
+      Jesus, asking as a favour, that if they were cast out, they might be
+      allowed to go into a herd of swine which were feeding some distance off.
+      Why they should choose such an abode is not apparent; but having
+      permission to go, they at once entered into possession, much to the
+      astonishment of the poor porkies, who took fright and ran violently down a
+      steep hill into the sea, and all, to the number of 2,000, perished in the
+      waters. O unhappy pigs! O miserable devils! the Son of man, whom you had
+      never injured, worked your speedy destruction. "And, behold, the whole
+      city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw him, they besought him that
+      he would depart out of <i>their</i> coasts." They had more desire to save
+      their bacon than to see miracles worked at the expense of their pigs.
+      Jesus entered into a ship and came over to his own city, where a certain
+      ruler came and worshipped him, saying that his daughter was dead, but
+      making the request that she should be raised to life again. When Jesus
+      entered the ruler's house, he said, "Give place, for the maid is not dead,
+      but sleepeth." And they laughed him to scorn. But when the house was
+      cleared he took the girl by the hand, and the maid arose. This was
+      regarded as a miracle, but it could not be, because Jesus said the girl
+      only slept, and it is not possible that a perfect God could tell an
+      untruth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this Jesus called together his twelve disciples, and gave them
+      instructions what to do. He said:&mdash;"Provide neither gold, nor silver,
+      nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats,
+      neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the workman is worthy of his meat. And
+      into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy;
+      and there abide till ye go hence. And when ye come into a house, salute
+      it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it; but if it be
+      not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall not receive
+      you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake
+      off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It shall be more
+      tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of judgment than
+      for that city." But it is doubtful if he meant the land of Sodom and
+      Gomorrha, or Tyre and Sidon. However, though we may overlook this
+      uncertainty, we cannot the fact, that a threat of destroying cities is
+      held out if his disciples are not received and fed by people upon whom
+      they have not the slightest claim. This advice would justify the order of
+      'Mendicant Friars in their lazy habit of living upon all who are willing
+      to support them. He also added&mdash;"Behold, I send you forth as sheep in
+      the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as
+      doves." Have not the Jesuits carried out this advice? And then he gave
+      utterance to this painful truth to which the blood-stained pages of
+      history can testify:&mdash;"Think not that I am come to send peace on
+      earth: I came <i>not</i> to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set
+      a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother,
+      and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man's foes shall
+      be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than,
+      me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me,
+      is not worthy of me." There has been no peace, and there can be none, in
+      the world, so long as the contradictory and impossible doctrines of Jesus
+      of Nazareth are taught as infallible truth. House has been divided against
+      house, the father's hand lifted against the child, and the mother's loving
+      tenderness turned to bitterest hate, because of differences of opinion
+      upon Christian dogmas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While Jesus was making one of his incoherent speeches, somebody told him
+      that his mother and brothers were without, desiring to speak with him.
+      "But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother? and
+      who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his disciples,
+      and said, Behold my mother and my brethren." There is here manifested a
+      want of natural affection unbecoming any man, and which justifies M. Rénan
+      in saying, notwithstanding his great reverence for Jesus, that he was more
+      loved than loving. There is scarcely a trace of affection throughout his
+      life, from his childhood to his death. He was mystical and fanatical, like
+      all who seek to set themselves up as inspired teachers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day Jesus sat by the sea-side and talked to the people in parables. He
+      is answerable for the following:&mdash;"For whosoever hath to him shall be
+      given, and he shall have more abundance; but whosoever hath <i>not</i>,
+      from him shall be taken away even that he hath." He says immediately
+      after, as a sort of apology, "Therefore speak I to then in parables,
+      because they seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not, neither do they
+      understand."
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would be a miracle greater than that worked among the pigs, if anyone
+      did understand. This sort of talk must have been indulged in for amusement&mdash;it
+      could not have had any serious purport, or if it had, it is too profound
+      to be understood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Jesus learnt the execution of John the Baptist, he departed into a
+      desert place, but the multitude heard of him, and followed him out of the
+      cities. And when evening came, the disciples asked him to send the
+      multitude away, that they might go into the villages and buy themselves
+      victuals. We do not usually find villages in <i>desert</i> places; but
+      that was quite as possible in this case as what followed. Jesus said they
+      need not go, and told the disciples to give to the people to eat. They
+      said, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He said, Bring them
+      hither to me. And then looking up to heaven, he blessed and brake, and
+      distributed to the multitude. Now out of this very small commissariat,
+      about five thousand men, besides women and children, ate and were filled,
+      and left twelve baskets full of fragments at the end of the feast. All we
+      can deplore is, that the age of miracles is past. If anyone could do this
+      now, what a number of attached followers be would have, no matter what his
+      speculative opinions might be. He might believe in the eternity of
+      punishments; in three Gods in one, or one in three; in election,
+      predestination, or transmigration of souls&mdash;in short, in anything or
+      nothing; if he could only feed his flock by casting his eyes up to heaven,
+      he would soon empty all the churches and chapels in the kingdom. As Rénan
+      very powerfully points out, no miracle ever yet took place under
+      scientific conditions; and till one of this description is wrought under
+      such conditions, we must be allowed to suspend our judgment. We do not say
+      it did not take place, but we don't believe it. It is true it does not say
+      what kind of fishes the two were which served to fill five thousand men,
+      <i>besides</i> women and children, who probably ran the number up to eight
+      thousand. Perhaps the fishes were whales, as the whole story is so "very
+      like a whale" that any suggested solution of the astounding tale is
+      legitimate. This miracle was once discussed by a society in Chicago, and
+      the 'cute American intellect found a key to the mystery, for they <i>resolved</i>&mdash;"That
+      the multitude must certainly have made their repast off <i>multiplication
+      tables</i>!"
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After this stupendous feat, Jesus constrained his disciples to get into
+      the ship and go across the water, whilst he remained behind to get rid of
+      his well fed friends. And when night came, the ship was tossed by the
+      storm. And in the fourth watch Jesus went unto them walking on the sea.
+      When his disciples saw him they said he was a spirit, and cried out for
+      fear. But Jesus said, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. Then the
+      enthusiastic Peter said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the
+      water. Jesus said, Come; to which Peter responded by stepping out of the
+      ship; but he could not float, and began to sink rapidly, and would have
+      perished if his master had not put out his hand and saved him. If this
+      system of aquatic locomotion could be instituted now, it would supersede
+      all lifeboats. But we have little <i>faith</i> in these days of scientific
+      facts, and it requires an immense amount of that commodity to be able to
+      attempt even what was said to have been accomplished by the founders of
+      our national religion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus did not confine his creative abilities to the solid comforts of
+      life, but exercised them upon the liquid luxuries of existence. Being
+      invited to a wedding, and there being no wine, his mother, with a woman's
+      natural solicitude on such an occasion, said to him, "They have no wine.
+      Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not
+      yet come." Now, what such a churlish answer had to do with the simple
+      remark made by his mother, we leave to gentle Christians to say. However,
+      after a time he became more amiable; and, no doubt, reflecting upon the
+      disappointment of those who had come to a marriage feast, and found
+      nothing but water to drink, he took compassion on them, and turned the
+      water into wine, to the extent of "six water pots, containing two or three
+      firkins apiece." "This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee,
+      and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him." Well
+      they might; and we fear that any man in these days who should do such
+      things, would have many followers, in spite of all the preaching of all
+      the teetotallers, who, strange to say, for the most part profess to be
+      good Christians, notwithstanding that Christ, when he had the opportunity
+      of rebuking wine bibbing, did not do so, but encouraged it by supplying
+      the very beverage which teetotallers so vehemently condemn.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Jesus came into the coasts of Cćsarea Philippi, he asked his
+      disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of Man am? He was
+      anxious to know what people thought of him now that he was become so
+      famous. "And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist; some,
+      Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them,
+      But whom say <i>ye</i> that I am?" Of course Peter was ready to crown all,
+      and he said&mdash;"Thou art the Christ, the son of the living God." For
+      which Jesus blessed Peter, and promised him the keys of the kingdom of
+      heaven; but they soon fell to quarrelling, when Jesus said that he must go
+      unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things, and be killed, and be raised again
+      the third day. Peter rebuked him, and said it should not be; but Jesus
+      turned upon him, and said, "Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence
+      unto me." It was not very dignified or in good taste after Peter had
+      imparted such an important fact to him, which was done by a revelation of
+      his Father which is in heaven.. But such was the manner of Jesus.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he left Galilee, and came into Judća, he resolved to go to Jerusalem;
+      and when he was come to the Mount of Olives, he sent two of his disciples
+      to a village on a very questionable errand. It was to perform no less an
+      act than the appropriation of a donkey and her colt. He told them that, if
+      any one said aught unto them, they were to say, "The Lord hath need of
+      them." That kind of answer would scarcely be deemed satisfactory in these
+      days, especially to a policeman. He would very likely reply, If the Lord
+      hath need of the ass, the magistrate hath need of thee; and if the
+      instigator of the deed were not the actual thief, he would be charged as
+      an accessory before the fact, and would be provided with board and lodging
+      at the expense of the county for at least twelve months. This was done
+      that another prophecy might be fulfilled, which said, "Tell ye the
+      daughter of Sion, Behold, thy king cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting
+      upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass." But this prophet must have
+      been an ass, or he would have known that even the Son of man would find it
+      difficult to sit upon two asses of such unequal size at the same time.
+      Apart from the absurdity of the story, it is an example of very loose
+      notions indeed of the rights of property, which, if stated of Mahomet, of
+      Joseph Smith the Mormon, or any other founder of a religious sect, would
+      be quoted as a proof of his obliquity of moral vision. After this
+      successful exploit of taking unto himself other people's goods, Jesus
+      became quite daring; and when he got to Jerusalem he went into the temple
+      of God, where he found a number of people carrying on their usual
+      business. He had no more right there than they had&mdash;in fact, not so
+      much, as he was a stranger to the city. But, notwithstanding this, he got
+      a rope, and thrashed every one out of the place, upsetting the tables and
+      chairs, and creating such a consternation as only a Bedlamite broken loose
+      would be likely to produce. Though this was immediately after the
+      appropriation of the two donkeys, upon which he had actually ridden to the
+      temple, he called all the tradespeople dishonest, and accused them of
+      having turned the place into a den of thieves. Whatever it might have been
+      before he came, certainly one would think the designation not
+      inappropriate after the arrival of himself and his disciples. He was not
+      arrested on the spot for this act of assault and battery; but what should
+      we think of the City Police Commissioner if he neglected to order into
+      custody any mad enthusiast who might so conduct himself on the Stock
+      Exchange? But he would not, and the enthusiast's vagaries and his visit to
+      the police cell would be a very little time apart. It would be no use his
+      alleging that he was about his Father's business, and that he was
+      fulfilling prophecy&mdash;that would only aggravate the offence. He would
+      be told that if his father did not take better care of him, the county
+      asylum would; and the prophet would very soon be "wanted" who had
+      instigated such folly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus did not remain in the city during the night&mdash;it was not prudent
+      after such an advent in the morning, but he went and lodged in Bethany, a
+      little way out of town. In returning next morning he was hungry, so, when
+      he came to a fig-tree, he looked at it hoping to find some fruit on it,
+      but there was none, as it was not the right season. We should forgive an
+      excited hungry man here if he, in a moment of forgetfulness, looked for
+      apples in winter; but if he began to curse the tree for not bearing fruit
+      out of season, we should think he was mad past doubt. Yet this is exactly
+      what Jesus did; and not only so, but he withered the tree that it should
+      not bear fruit thenceforward forever. His disciples marvelled at what he
+      had done, as well they might. "Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I
+      say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this
+      which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this
+      mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be
+      done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye
+      shall receive." No persons have ever yet had the requisite amount of faith
+      to remove mountains; and the less they try such credulity on fruit trees,
+      the better for our orchards. Nobody does or can believe such insane talk.
+      Jesus went to the temple again, and whilst he was preaching, the Chief
+      Priests and elders came and asked him by what authority he did such
+      things. In true Quaker style he answered them by asking a question, which
+      had the merit of being impossible of solution. He said&mdash;"The baptism
+      of John, whence was it? from heaven, or of men?" They said: "We cannot
+      tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell I you by what authority I do
+      these things." That seemed to silence his interrogators, but it did not
+      answer them. It was a favourite way with this Messiah; and we remain as
+      much in the dark to this hour as did the Chief Priests and elders. This
+      method of evasion is also exemplified in the case of the tribute money.
+      When asked whether it was lawful to render tribute unto Cćsar, he said,
+      looking at a coin, "Whose is this image and superscription?" They said,
+      Cćsar's. "Then saith he unto them, Render therefore unto Cćsar the things
+      which are Cćsar's, and unto God the things that are God's." Rénan says on
+      this point&mdash;"To establish as a principle that we must recognise the
+      legitimacy of a power by the inscription on its coins, to proclaim that
+      the perfect man pays tribute with scorn, and without question, was to
+      destroy Republicanism in the ancient form, and to favour all tyranny.
+      Christianity, in this sense, has contributed much to weaken the sense of
+      duty of the citizen, and to deliver the world into the absolute power of
+      existing circumstances." But we are not surprised that he should so
+      readily teach the payment of tribute, considering how easy he found it to
+      pay tribute himself; for the ludicrous account given in Matthew, in the
+      same chapter which describes the transfiguration, shows Jesus discharging
+      his own liability and that of Peter in the most original manner
+      imaginable. Not wishing to offend the tax collectors, he said to Peter&mdash;"Go
+      thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh
+      up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money:
+      take that, and give unto them for me and thee." If fish of this
+      description swam in rivers now, they would be preserved to the exclusion
+      of the most delicious members of the finny tribe. Every man would be an
+      angler, and fishing-tackle making would be the most lucrative trade known.
+      Take another instance of evasion. The Sadducees did not believe in the
+      resurrection, so they put a question to Jesus on that point. They
+      instanced a woman who had been married to seven brothers in succession,
+      all of whom had died. Therefore, in the resurrection, they asked whose
+      wife she would be out of the seven when they met again. This was quickly
+      disposed of, for "Jesus answered and said onto them, Ye do err, not
+      knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. For In the resurrection they
+      neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in
+      heaven." If this is so, what becomes of the hope which believers in
+      immortality have that in heaven they will be joined again to those they
+      have lost on earth? This great consolation of the Christian is founded on
+      a delusion. Jesus also supplemented his statement with this remarkable
+      declaration, "But as touching the resurrection of the dead, have ye not
+      read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the God of
+      Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is <i>not</i> the
+      God of the <i>dead</i>, but of the <i>living</i>," What then is the use of
+      Catholic prayers for the souls of those in Purgatory? What is the utility
+      of our burial service, which goes upon the supposition that God will
+      attend to our requests as touching the dead we are about to consign to the
+      grave? Freethinkers and rational thinkers discard the whole ceremony as a
+      mockery. When once dead, the particles which composed our bodies are
+      dissolved, and pass into new combinations&mdash;<i>we</i> never live
+      again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After he had done all his preaching, and had thoroughly aroused the ire of
+      the authorities and most of the people of Jerusalem against him, he began
+      to fear that he would have to suffer for it, and he told his disciples so.
+      After they had supped together in the house of one of the friends, they
+      departed to the Mount of Olives outside the city, and Jesus said they
+      would all be offended with him because of that night. Peter the loquacious
+      declared, that though all men might be offended because of him, he would
+      never be. Jesus had no great opinion of Peter's steadfastness, and told
+      him, notwithstanding his protestations of attachment, that before the cock
+      crew he would deny him thrice. Peter asseverated again: "Though I should
+      die with ye, yet will I not deny thee." Poor Peter's word, like his
+      judgment, however, was not to be relied upon, for the very next day he
+      denied all knowledge of Jesus, and when pressed for an answer, he began to
+      curse and to swear that he had never seen him. Soon after this the Garden
+      of Gethsemane, into which they had entered; was surrounded by a multitude
+      with staves and with swords, and Jesus was arrested, Peter the dauntless
+      did make some resistance, and cut off the ear of Malchus, a servant of the
+      High Priest; but the loss was only temporary, for we are told that Jesus
+      immediately "touched his ear, and healed him," and if this does not mean
+      that he stuck the ear on again, what does it mean? When Jesus was arrested
+      in the Garden, all the disciples, escaped as quickly as possible, but
+      Peter followed at a distance; and when Jesus was taken to the house of
+      Caiaphas the High Priest, Peter entered and mixed with the servants. He
+      was soon recognised as a follower of Jesus; but when accused of the fact,
+      he stoutly denied it three times, the last with oaths, like the low-bred
+      man he was; for though he had been consorting with Jesus a long time, he
+      had not learnt refinement of manners, which is not wonderful, as Jesus
+      certainly did not set an example of choiceness of language, his favourite
+      mode of speech being to call people fools, and to launch curses at them.
+      But Peter had to fulfil a prophecy&mdash;namely, that he would deny his
+      master <i>thrice</i>, before the cock crew <i>twice</i>, which he did
+      before the cock crew <i>once</i>. And so that prophecy was fulfilled!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Jesus was first examined on the charge of blasphemy he remained
+      silent, and would not answer any questions put to him. Then Caiaphas said&mdash;"I
+      adjure thee by the living God that thou tell us whether thou be Christ,
+      the Son of God." Jesus at last replied&mdash;"Thou hast said," which may
+      fairly be interpreted to mean, "You say I am, not I." This is in keeping
+      with his usual evasive mode of answering, as before pointed out.
+      Especially as he continued&mdash;"Nevertheless I say unto you, <i>Hereafter</i>
+      shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and coming
+      in the clouds of heaven." This was declared blasphemous, and we know how
+      excited bigoted people get when that word is pronounced. So they struck
+      the enthusiast, as he had struck others in the temple. In the morning he
+      was bound and led before Pilate the governor, who asked him, "Art thou the
+      king of the Jews?" He again answered, "Thou sayest" And when the Chief
+      Priests and elders repeated their charges, he still refused to answer
+      them, which surprised Pilate. However, Pilate saw no harm in what he had
+      done, and was anxious to set him at liberty; but the priests, as is usual
+      with them, persisted in their demands of vengeance against one who had
+      offended them. Then Jesus was delivered over to the soldiers to be
+      crucified, which was a very barbarous mode of execution. He was cruelly
+      treated by the soldiers, who were incited thereto by the priests. He died
+      the death of a malefactor, but his end was brought about by his own wild
+      and extravagant conduct. In these days he would have been confined as a
+      lunatic, but in that barbarous time, and under the influence of priests,
+      he was tortured to death. No one can contemplate his fate, whatever his
+      faults may have been, without feelings of sorrow. But if his death was to
+      fulfil prophecy, and to save a lost and ruined world, we ought to regard
+      it with exultation and great joy, and not only observe Good Friday as a
+      national holiday, but every Friday as a public festival. But who, on
+      calmly reading the narrative, and dismissing from his mind the fables
+      taught him in his childhood, can see anything supernatural in Jesus' life
+      and death? He displayed through life all the infirmities and littlenesses
+      of a man, and he died like one who had brought about his own death by his
+      own acts. When on the cross, and no doubt in mortal agony, he exclaimed,
+      in the utterness of despair, like one who had long trusted to a delusion,
+      and when too late had found out his mistake&mdash;"My God, my God, why
+      hast thou forsaken me?" The Chief Priests and elders, the people about,
+      and even the two thieves who were dying with him, jeered him for his
+      folly, saying, "He trusted in God; let him deliver him now, if he will
+      have him: for he said, I am the Son of God." But there was no deliverance
+      from heaven for him more than for any other man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus had acted so extravagantly from the time he entered on public life
+      that it is not surprising that his followers were infected by his example,
+      and it is to them we are indebted for the re-appearance of Jesus after he
+      was dead and buried. He himself said that he was to fulfil the prophecy of
+      Jonas, for, as he was three days and three nights in the belly of the
+      whale, so should the Son of man be three days and three nights in the
+      heart of the earth. Yet he never went into the heart of the earth, but was
+      laid in a tomb or cave with a door to it; and he was not even there three
+      days and three nights, but only two nights, and not two days altogether.
+      And so that prophecy was fulfilled! Jesus prophesied his own resurrection
+      only, but the earthquake which followed his death was no respecter of
+      persons, for when the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to
+      the bottom, and the earth did quake, and the rocks were rent, the graves
+      were opened, and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, and came out
+      of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and
+      appeared unto many. No orthodox, Christians doubt for a moment that Jesus
+      rose again from the dead, because he was to do so, and he was the Son of
+      God; but do they believe these unknown saints revisited the glimpses of
+      the moon, and experienced a resurrection equal to that of Jesus, for no
+      purpose at all, and for no merit of their own? Yet we have no more
+      authority for the one than the other, and no reason to believe one more
+      than the other. Toward the end of the Sabbath (that is, Saturday evening)
+      came Mary Magdalene, with the other Mary, to see the sepulchre where Jesus
+      was laid, and another earthquake took place, and the angel of the Lord
+      descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door,
+      and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment like
+      snow. He told the women that Jesus had risen, and asked them to see the
+      place where the Lord lay. But whether they looked or not we are not told,
+      but they ran away with fear and great joy to tell the disciples. And as
+      they went, whom should they meet but Jesus himself, who said to them, "All
+      hail." But then there is some little confusion in this infallible
+      narrative. It was not towards the end of Saturday, but very early in the
+      morning of Sunday, at the rising of the sun, that the women came, and for
+      the purpose of anointing the body. And the stone was still against the
+      door, and they said, Who shall roll us away the stone? But when they
+      looked again the stone was away, and on entering the sepulchre they saw a
+      young man dressed in white sitting <i>inside</i>, and no angel with a
+      lightning face sitting <i>outside</i>. The women fled with terror, but
+      told no man what they had seen; and it isa mystery to this day how that
+      which was never told to any one is known to nearly all the world. Jesus
+      did not meet the two Marys, but appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of
+      whom he had cast seven devils. She went and told the disciples about the
+      resurrection, but they believed her not. He appeared afterwards to two of
+      his disciples, but they did not believe in his resurrection, neither did
+      the eleven disciples, to whom he appeared. If they who knew him intimately
+      did not believe in it after only three days' absence from them, shall we,
+      after a lapse of eighteen hundred years, put faith in this clumsy,
+      impossible, and absurd fable? But perhaps the condition he attached to the
+      belief may have something to do with the faith of so many people in these
+      days. He said, after upbraiding his disciples for their unbelief and
+      hardness of heart&mdash;"He that believeth and is baptised shall be saved;
+      but he that believeth not shall be damned." That threat, fulminated from
+      thousands of pulpits, has frightened timid and weak people in nearly every
+      age of the Christian era. But then again there were not two women but many
+      who went to the sepulchre, and they found the stone away; and when they
+      entered they saw two men in shining garments, and the women did not
+      conceal what they had seen, but went and told all the disciples, but they
+      were not believed. This time the lively Peter ran to the tomb to look for
+      himself, and saw nothing but the linen clothes lying by themselves. After
+      that two of the disciples went to Emmana, where Jesus himself joined them,
+      but they knew him not, and did not believe the story of his resurrection.
+      He then rebuked them in his usual sweet and placid style, by exclaiming,
+      "O fools, and slow of heart," and beginning at Moses and all the prophets,
+      "he expounded unto them in all the Scriptures the things concerning
+      himself," which must have been a tolerably long discourse for one so
+      recently out of the grave. They asked him to stop with them and have
+      something to eat, which, his appetite being as good as ever, he consented
+      to do; and it was his mode of breaking bread and blessing it that
+      convinced them that he was Jesus. And he then vanished out of their sight.
+      They went to Jerusalem and told the others what they had seen, and while
+      they were talking Jesus stood in the midst of them; but they did not know
+      him again, but took him to be a spirit. He said&mdash;"Behold my hands and
+      my feet, that it is myself; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones as ye
+      see me have." And while they yet believed not for joy and wondered, he
+      said unto them, "Have ye here any meat?" He was again hungry, and they
+      gave him a piece of broiled fish and a honeycomb. And he took it, and did
+      eat before them. That was enough to convince them a second time. "And he
+      led them out as far as Bethany, and he lifted up his hands and blessed
+      them. And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them,
+      and carried up into heaven," with the broiled fish on his stomach, where
+      he entered into joy everlasting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The foregoing will certainly be declared "blasphemous" by all true
+      believers, and will no doubt be pronounced a "caricature" of Jesus by even
+      Unitarians. But the fault does not lie with us&mdash;it is in the text,
+      which we did not make. We are not responsible for the representation, for
+      we have scrupulously followed the inspired delineations of the
+      Evangelists. Let us briefly sum up this biography.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jesus was the Son of God, and not the son of his mother's husband, and his
+      mother remained a virgin notwithstanding his conception and birth,
+      although she strangely offered the usual sacrifice when the days of her
+      purification were accomplished.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was descended from the royal line of David, that is, Joseph the husband
+      of his mother was so descended; but then Joseph was not his father at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The miraculous boy was to fulfil many prophecies; but although he often
+      purposely acted in order to fulfil them, several given as illustrations
+      are singularly wide of the mark.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At twelve years of age he was a match for learned doctors in disputation,
+      and could pertly rebuke his mother for inquiring where he had been for
+      three days and three nights.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was baptised at thirty by John, who taught him rudeness of manners; and
+      though a dove descended direct from heaven, and alighted on his head, he
+      was immediately taken by the spirit into very dangerous places, was kept a
+      remarkably long time without food, and was very strangely tempted by the
+      Devil in person.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He became a great talker, dealt largely in mystical language, and gathered
+      followers from the poorest, most ignorant, and most credulous of his
+      countrymen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He cured all sorts of diseases and afflictions, though there is no
+      evidence that he ever underwent a medical training.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He worked miracles, as became an Eastern founder of a sect, but his
+      achievements scarcely rank as high as the tricks of an Indian juggler.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was uneducated, and never, so far as the record goes, wrote a line in
+      his life; but as a preacher he was famous, and always succeeded in making
+      his hearers marvel at his strange doctrines&mdash;doctrines so
+      contradictory that no sane man can follow them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was vituperative in his language, austere in his manners, undutiful and
+      repelling to his mother.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He appropriated other persons' property, and immediately after violently
+      assaulted a large number of men, whom he charged with being dishonest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When asked questions touching vital points of his own doctrines, he
+      usually gave evasive answers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He promised his disciples all sorts of wonderful powers if they would
+      believe in him, and he promised also to come in a cloud with great glory
+      before that generation passed away; but having risen from the grave, and
+      ascended into heaven, he has not returned in a cloud with glory up to the
+      time of our going to press.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He ultimately met the death of a malefactor, and in the last moments of
+      agony his fanaticism was strong upon him, for he promised to the thief who
+      flattered him that he would meet him that day in paradise, though he did
+      not go there himself till about six weeks afterwards.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After his death he was brought to life again, thus defying all the laws of
+      physiology. When but just out of the grave, his powers of preaching were
+      as strong as ever, and his appetite as vigorous as though he had returned
+      from a long journey; and after partaking of a singular repast, and before
+      he had had time to digest it, he ascended into the clouds without the aid
+      of a balloon, and was seen no more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All this, with much more of the same incredible nature, is taught as
+      infallible truth by some of the best educated men the Universities can
+      produce, and belief in the whole of it is necessary to "respectability" in
+      this life, and to salvation in a life after death. How educated men can
+      believe it, is a mystery which we trust the School Boards of the future
+      will be able to unravel; at present we find it as insoluble as all the
+      other sublime mysteries of Christianity, for we cannot believe that a
+      University training necessarily makes men hypocrites, and we are loth to
+      believe that on one most important subject it necessarily makes them
+      imbecile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There would be fewer believers if there were more inquirers. The advocates
+      of Bible reading in Elementary Schools must feel that there is danger to
+      the faith lurking in the future if that "precious book" is read and not
+      "expounded." Dogmatic teaching is the stronghold of the religion of
+      Christendom. The "plain, unvarnished tale" of the Four Gospels would carry
+      with it its own condemnation, for the best refutation of Christianity is a
+      true knowledge of Christ.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+          Printed and Published by
+          C. Watts,  17, Johnson's Court, Fleet St, London, E.C.
+          PRICE TWOPENCE
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
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+Project Gutenberg's Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by Austin Holyoak
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity
+       A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester
+
+Author: Austin Holyoak
+
+Release Date: July 20, 2011 [EBook #36800]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+
+LUDICROUS ASPECTS OF CHRISTIANITY:
+
+A Response To The Challenge Of The Bishop Of Manchester.
+
+By Austin Holyoak
+
+
+The Bishop of Manchester, in a speech delivered by him in Oldham in
+August, 1870, is reported to have said that "he could defy anyone to try
+to caricature the work, the character, or the person of the Lord Jesus
+Christ." He no doubt felt confident in throwing out such a challenge,
+as the attempt would be considered so atrociously impious that few men
+could be found with courage enough to incur the odium of such an act. We
+confess that we have not the temerity to wound the sensitiveness of the
+devoutly religious. What may be deemed of the nature of caricature in
+the following remarks the reader is requested to regard as merely the
+spontaneous utterance of one who is keenly alive to the ludicrous, and
+who is not awed by the belief that the Bible is an infallible volume.
+We find the New Testament, when read without the deceptive spectacles of
+_faith_ as amusing, as extravagant, and as contradictory in many places
+as most books.
+
+A system of religion, to be a moral guide to men, should be perfect in
+all its parts. It should not consist of a few precepts which might
+be followed under certain circumstances, the rest being made up of
+impossibilities and contradictions; but should be so comprehensive as to
+embrace all orders of men under all circumstances. And a divine exemplar
+to mankind, if such a being can be imagined, should possess every human
+virtue in perfection, and be absolutely without fault. We are told daily
+and hourly that Jesus Christ possesses these transcendent qualities, and
+is worthy of the homage and admiration of the world. We ask where this
+divine image is to be found, and are referred to the four Gospels in the
+New Testament. All that is there written was written by inspiration of
+God, and God therefore is the painter of the lineaments of his own Son.
+We will take it as such, and see what aspect Jesus presents when viewed
+in the light we are able to bring to bear upon his portrait. We shall
+follow a somewhat different plan to that adopted by M. Renan. That
+great French writer has evidently gone to his task with the intention or
+anticipation of finding an almost perfect man, and he ends by believing
+he really sees one in Jesus. We have taken up the Gospels with the
+desire of finding what is actually there; and as it appears to us, so we
+will present it to the reader. We know that some will view the sayings
+and actions in a different light; but that is inevitable. No two persons
+ever see in the painted portrait of a friend or relative, precisely
+the same expression; yet they may be equally honest. Now we claim to be
+regarded as truthful in the following portraiture, though Jesus appears
+to us a very different man to what he appeared to M. Renan. Some may say
+we are flippant, but that we cannot help, though we may regret it. We
+must express ourselves in our own way, and we most be excused if we
+laugh at what seems ludicrous or absurd.
+
+We may be accused of a want of reverence, but we cannot feel reverence
+for what does not excite that feeling in us.
+
+These pages are not critical--they do not pretend to be learned--they
+do not seek to explain away anything on the score of "forgeries" or
+"interpolations." They are based upon the supposition that the _Four_
+Gospels are each and collectively true, and without contradiction. No
+attempt is made to reconcile contradictions by rejecting all that does
+not harmonise. The Churches do not do so--they cling to all within the
+two covers of the "sacred book," and of course take the responsibility.
+
+Nothing will be here set down that Jesus did not utter; no meaning will
+be put upon his words that they will not legitimately bear; we have
+judged of him as we find him in the general actions of his life. A
+devout believer will exclaim, with uplifted hands and eyes--"Oh, this
+is blasphemy; it is revolting to the moral sense; Christ was the Son of
+God, and therefore perfect. He could not be what you have represented
+him to be, or people long ago would have ceased to worship him. He is
+the one sublime character whose image fills the world, and before whom
+millions bow the head in reverent humility." Just so; that is where the
+delusion arises. Men have been taught that they must not think--that
+they must not doubt--that they must not examine the grounds of their
+faith--they must _believe_, and that the sin of unbelief is everlasting
+perdition. A halo of sanctity is thrown around this distorted
+image--there is a sacred mystery, a "holy of holies" into which common
+sense must not enter; and so devotees fall down at the threshold and
+worship, where they should stand erect in reliance on their own reason
+and judgment, and examine fearlessly for themselves into those doctrines
+on a belief in which their everlasting salvation is said to depend.
+
+Jesus, the son of Mary, but not the son of Joseph, Mary's husband, was,
+according to his biographers, an illegitimate child--at least, his
+birth seems to have been brought about in a most illegitimate way. One
+Matthew, who pretends to know a great deal about this child, even before
+it was born, wishes his readers to infer that Jesus was descended in
+a direct line from that worthy man and favourite of God, King David,
+through exactly twenty-eight generations; that is, down to Joseph, who
+was not the father of Jesus at all. He was the son of the Holy Ghost,
+but who or what that was no man knows, and no one has been able to
+comprehend unto this day. Another biographer named Luke, more sensible
+than Matthew, like a modern Welshman traces Jesus's descent direct from
+Adam, who, being the first man, _was_ probably a very distant relative
+of his.
+
+This extraordinary child Jesus, who in his own language was simply
+Joshua, came into the world to fulfil no end of prophecies. He was to be
+called Jesus, that he might save his people from their sins. But he did
+not do it, as the Jews have had amongst them since his time as great
+criminals as ever existed before. He was also to be named Emmanuel,
+"which, being interpreted, is God with us." But he never was called
+Emmanuel, so the second prophecy was fulfilled! He was born in a house
+in the first instance, and a star was seen to walk before certain wise
+men and direct them where he was. In the second instance he was born in
+a manger, in the stable of an inn where certain shepherds found Mary,
+and Joseph, and the babe lying. These were not wise men from the East,
+but poor ignorant shepherds from the neighbouring fields, and they
+were not led by a star, but had seen an angel of the Lord by night, who
+terrified them very much, and departed without telling them in which
+particular manger the Saviour was to be found. The angel appeared amid
+loud sounds of "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, and
+good-will towards men." If those glad tidings of great joy _were_ heard
+then, they have never been heard since, for the advent of this child was
+the signal for war, and strife, and bloodshed among mankind, which have
+desolated every land where the Christian name has been spoken. After
+their fright was over, the shepherds consulted together, and resolved to
+go into Bethlehem, to look for "this thing which had come to pass." They
+alighted upon Joseph and his family all lying in a manger, much to the
+surprise of Mary, who evidently did not comprehend what the excitement
+was about, for we are told that "Mary kept all these things, and
+pondered them in her heart." So after all, who knows that they found the
+right babe at last? If such evidence as is here given were adduced in a
+court of law to prove the identity of a lost heir to an estate, it would
+never be allowed to go even to trial, but the grand jury would ignore
+the bill at once.
+
+However, as Jesus was declared the rightful heir, we must accept that
+fact, and proceed to examine how far he administered the great estate
+to which he was born. Joseph was a very drowsy man, who had to be
+continually warned and roused by angels as to what he should do and the
+dangers which threatened him. Being made wide awake to the fact that
+Herod sought to kill the child, he suddenly fled into Egypt with
+his family, and there remained till the death of Herod, that another
+prophecy might be fulfilled, "Out of Egypt have I called my son." But he
+did not go into Egypt, but was taken back to Nazareth at eight days
+old, and there remained till he was a man. So the third prophecy was
+fulfilled!
+
+Jesus is familiarly known by the name of the "meek and lowly," but this
+is a title which scarcely seems warranted by the narratives. From
+his youth upwards he gave signs of the possession of an imperious
+disposition and a vituperative tongue, and he on several occasions
+manifested a want of filial affection. His parents went to Jerusalem
+every year to the feast of the Passover, and at the age of twelve Jesus
+was taken. When the parents returned, the boy remained behind unknown
+to them, and they had got a day's journey on their way home before they
+missed him. They retraced their steps to Jerusalem in much trouble, and
+at last, after three days' search, found the truant comfortably seated
+in the temple in the midst of the doctors, holding a learned argument
+with them. When his mother saw him she asked him why he had caused them
+so much sorrow. Instead of showing any penitence, he pertly answered,
+"How is it that ye sought me? wist ye not that I must be about my
+Father's business?" And Mary, though she knew he was the son of the Holy
+Ghost, had not the slightest idea what he meant.
+
+When he "began to be about thirty years of age," he met with John
+Baptist, a strange sort of anchorite, who used to dress in camelshair
+and eat locusts and wild honey. From this cynic Jesus learnt much,
+especially the habit of calling names. When people presented themselves
+to John to be baptised, he greeted them in this loving way--"O
+generation of vipers, who hath warned _you_ to flee from the wrath to
+come?" Jesus was baptised, and afterwards retailed much that John had
+said, especially his abusive phrases. At this ceremony of immersion the
+heavens opened to Jesus, and the Spirit of God descended like a dove and
+alighted upon him. This Spirit assumes as many shapes as Satan himself,
+and altogether appears to be a very curious bird of passage. This
+baptism was not a happy thing to Jesus, for immediately afterwards he
+was led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the Devil,
+and he had to fast forty days and forty nights, and afterwards, we are
+gravely told, "he was an hungered," which is not a remarkable fact,
+seeing that he was a young man of very good appetite. We shall see, as
+we get farther on, that his love of eating and drinking was manifested
+on many carious occasions. The Old and New Testaments teem with accounts
+of feasts and carouses by the chosen of the Lord, and the Lord himself,
+to such a degree, that Christianity has not inaptly been termed the
+religion of gourmands. Jesus frequently manifests great readiness and
+smartness in reply, which is either an answer to the question addressed
+to him, or a very clever evasion of it. When the Devil had got Jesus,
+he said to him, "If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be
+made bread." The Devil evidently thought that to make something to eat
+would be the greatest temptation he could offer him. But Jesus evaded
+the task by saying, "It is written that man shall not live by bread
+alone." The Devil tried again, and took him to the pinnacle of a temple,
+and asked him to cast himself down, saying--"For it is written He shall
+give his angels charge concerning thee." Jesus said unto him, "It is
+written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." The Devil tried a
+third time, and took him up into an exceeding high mountain, and
+showed him all the kingdoms of this world, and the _glory_ of them, and
+promised him all if he would fall down and worship him. How could Jesus
+see from one spot all the kingdoms of the world? as no one looking
+straight before him can see round a globe; but if it was done by
+supernatural power, why take the trouble to go to the top of an
+exceeding high mountain? the _flat_ country would have been a more
+suitable spot. He also saw the _glory_ of them, which must have puzzled
+him greatly, for what is the glory of one place, is sometimes the shame
+of another, Jesus said, "Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written, Thou
+shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve." The
+Devil deemed this conclusive, and thereupon took his departure.
+
+After John the Baptist was cast into prison, Jesus went to reside in
+Capernaum, and there commenced to preach from John's text--"Repent, for
+the kingdom of heaven is at hand." At the outset of his public career
+he was a copyist, and he remained so to the end of his life. He
+simply repeated other men's sayings, or elaborated the traditions and
+prophecies which were so prevalent among the Jews of his day. This
+kingdom of heaven did not mean something in another world somewhere
+in the clouds, but simply a new order of things here, and that more
+especially among the Jews. At times, it must be confessed, it is
+difficult to understand what it meant if not an improved mental state,
+and not a material kingdom at all. Jesus belonged to the working class,
+and his followers were of the lower orders, and he constantly preached
+against riches, which was very popular. His followers now appreciate
+his sublime example so much, that they get rich as fast as they can,
+especially the successors of the Apostles, who are content if they can
+only get princely incomes, and a palace wherein to lay their heads!
+
+Jesus wanted followers, so he walked out by the sea of Galilee, and saw
+Peter and Andrew casting their nets. If they had been only fishing for
+small fry, he could not have more contemptuously addressed them. "And he
+said unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they
+straightway left their nets and followed him." A curious phenomenon
+strikes one here. Peter and Andrew have never seen Jesus before; he does
+not tell them who he is; he explains no principles to them by which to
+enlist their sympathies and awaken conviction--he merely says, "follow
+me, and I will make you fishers of men," and in prospect of that
+delightful occupation they abandon their home and calling to accompany a
+stranger on a doubtful mission, Whatever fish may have come to their net
+afterwards, they certainly could never have caught two greater flat-fish
+than themselves. A more striking instance of blind following is not to
+be found upon record. Peter afterwards became the greatest fanatic of
+all the Disciples, and caused his Master some trouble through his excess
+of zeal. And this is the man to whom are entrusted the keys of heaven.
+No wonder the ignorant fanatics find a ready admission, whilst sensible
+people are excluded. And he too is the great predecessor of the Pope
+of Rome, the head of a Church which preaches the efficacy of saints'
+relics, the liquefaction of blood, and the truth of winking virgins.
+Fanaticism was at the foundation, and delusion and ignorance very
+naturally result. Others followed Jesus, forsaking their nets and their
+parents, and they went about all Galilee, Jesus preaching and curing
+all sorts of disease and sickness--and curious indeed were some of his
+cures, such as are not mentioned in any modern pharmacopoeia. Having
+vanquished great Satan himself on three occasions, the minor devils had
+no chance with him, and woe betide all who came before him inhabiting
+human beings. All these cures were performed that a prophecy might be
+fulfilled, "which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying-, Himself
+took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses." But then he did nothing
+of the kind. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! To cure a disease is
+not to take it upon ourselves; if it were, the Royal College of Surgeons
+would soon become an institution of the past. You might love your
+neighbour as yourself, but to be expected to have the measles tor him,
+would cool the warmest friendship.
+
+One style of cure Jesus had which may have been very efficacious, but
+it certainly was not delicate. Once a deaf man, who had an impediment in
+his speech, was brought to him to be healed. Jesus took him aside from
+the multitude, and put his fingers into his ears, and spat and touched
+his tongue. And a blind man was brought to him, whom he took by the hand
+and led out of the town; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put his
+hands on him, asked him if he saw aught And the man was restored to
+sight This kind of lubrication could scarcely be deemed pleasant.
+
+Neither do we find an incentive to cleanliness in this, for we are told,
+"as he spake, a certain Pharisee besought him to dine with him; and
+he went in, and sat down to meat And when the Pharisee saw it, he
+mar-yelled that he had not first washed before dinner. And the Lord said
+onto him, Now do ye Pharisees make clean the outside of the cup and the
+platter; but your inward part is full of ravening wickedness. Ye
+fools, did not he that made that which is _without_, make that which it
+_within_ also?" This may be very true, but it is also very dirty; and
+though it may satisfy the Son of God, would not be an excuse for any man
+who wished to be considered decent.
+
+The fame of Jesus spread rapidly, and great multitudes flocked to hear
+him. One day he went up into a mountain, and addressed the people, but
+his discourse was of rather an extravagant description. As we understand
+matters in these days, what is the amount of truth contained in the
+following sentences?--
+
+"Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
+
+"Blessed art they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
+
+"Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
+
+"Blessed an the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
+
+"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
+
+"Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of
+God.
+
+"Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for
+theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
+
+"Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall
+say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake."
+
+This kingdom of heaven is past all comprehension. The poor in spirit
+have it, and the persecuted for righteousness' sake have it; and if
+these are the penalties to be paid for its possession, it is not worth
+the winning. Then is it possible or proper for any one to act in this
+way:--"If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out; if thy right hand
+offend thee, cut it off?" Who in his senses would think of doing so?
+Who would stand by and allow others to do it? And who lives according
+to this Christian principle, and who follows this precept:--"Resist not
+evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the
+other also?" In the first place, it is grossly immoral _not_ to resist
+evil; and in the second, all the world repudiates the doctrine of
+non-resistance under such circumstances. If any one smites us on the
+right cheek, do we not quickly turn and hit him on the left? It is a
+natural instinct, and to act otherwise is cowardice. Do the proceedings
+of our law courts furnish many instances of the adoption of this
+recommendation:--"And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away
+thy coat, let him have thy cloak also?" One half humanity would very
+soon be stripped by the other half. "And whoever shall compel thee to
+go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him
+that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." No one with any spirit
+or power of resistance would think of submitting to the _compulsion_ of
+walking a mile with a person, much less of going two in the company of
+one whose society might be a nuisance. And if we are to give to every
+one that asketh, what are our vagrancy laws but a flagrant violation
+of Christianity? The injunction is here given without the slightest
+qualification, and is an encouragement to mendicancy the world over.
+
+There are one or two precepts specially binding on Christians of the
+present day! This, for instance, is very much obeyed:--"And when thou
+prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are; for they love to pray
+standing in the synagogues, _and in the corners of the streets_, that
+they may be seen of men." This, we know, is universally observed by
+the followers of Jesus. It is obeyed by the ordained minister in his
+canonicals; the Primitive in his whitewashed tabernacle; the Methodist
+in his tub; the Revivalists in their delirious and epileptic gatherings;
+the Ranters in their camp meetings, and howling peregrinations through
+our country towns and villages; and above all, those highly gifted young
+men belonging to the Town Mission, who render the night hideous by their
+insane ravings at the corners of the streets and in the paths of public
+places. It is consoling to find the "salt of the earth" such consistent
+followers of their great Master. It is because _they_ are the salt of
+the earth, that the world has got into such a precious pickle.
+
+Bishops especially, and pluralists in particular, nurse in their hearts
+this saying: "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth." No, poor
+men, they think too much about their heavenly Father! A few thousand!
+a year are quite sufficient for them. And Christian bankers and
+millionaires equally regard the injunction.
+
+This is a Christian country, and we are a Christian people, and our
+various provident and benefit societies and savings' banks tell how we
+esteem this command: "Take no thought for the morrow, saying, What shall
+we eat? or, what shall we drink? or, wherewithal shall we be clothed?"
+We don't think of the morrow merely, but of years to come, and he who is
+the most careful in providing for the future, is most honoured amongst
+men.
+
+Now all these impracticable and extravagant commands are taken from the
+much-vaunted Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus said, whosoever heard them,
+and obeyed them, he would liken unto a _wise_ man; but whosoever obeyed
+them not, he would liken unto a foolish man. It may be an honour to be
+deemed foolish in such a case; but what shall we say of the professing
+Christian, who considers himself so much superior to the Freethinker,
+and who boasts of his principles being the checks which keep him moral,
+and says that if it had not been for his blessed Saviour the world would
+have been lost? Why, out of the mouth of Jesus himself he is proved to
+be a hypocrite and foolish, for he does what is solemnly condemned,
+and leaves undone what is strictly enjoined. "And it came to pass,
+when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people _were_ astonished at
+his doctrine." And can any rational inquirer be astonished at that?
+On reading over these Gospels calmly, and seeing what are attributed to
+Jesus as his sayings and doings, one is amazed at the credulity of the
+world in allowing such a stupendous delusion as the Christian religion
+to be palmed upon it as something divine derived direct from Deity.
+
+After this startling sermon, great multitudes followed Jesus, and
+wherever he went he healed the sick and performed miracles, but he
+generally enjoined the convalescents not to mention to any one what
+he had done. The reason for this is not given, but if one may make a
+conjecture, it was either because he had really worked no cure at all,
+or else he was afraid of having too many demands made upon his time.
+We are told that when "Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave
+commandment to depart unto the other side" of the water, that he might
+get away from them. Before he departed, a disciple said unto him, "Lord,
+suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,
+Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead." Is this an instance of
+meekness?
+
+When on board the ship, a great storm came on, and the sailors were
+afraid of being wrecked. So they awoke Jesus, telling him of their
+danger. He first chided them, and then scolded the winds and the waves,
+which at once subsided. When he was come to the other side, into the
+country of the Gergesenes, he was met by two men possessed with devils,
+who asked him if he had come to torment them before their time? And
+singular to say, the devils also, from the _interior_, entered into
+conversation with Jesus, asking as a favour, that if they were cast out,
+they might be allowed to go into a herd of swine which were feeding some
+distance off. Why they should choose such an abode is not apparent; but
+having permission to go, they at once entered into possession, much to
+the astonishment of the poor porkies, who took fright and ran violently
+down a steep hill into the sea, and all, to the number of 2,000,
+perished in the waters. O unhappy pigs! O miserable devils! the Son of
+man, whom you had never injured, worked your speedy destruction. "And,
+behold, the whole city came out to meet Jesus; and when they saw him,
+they besought him that he would depart out of _their_ coasts." They
+had more desire to save their bacon than to see miracles worked at the
+expense of their pigs. Jesus entered into a ship and came over to his
+own city, where a certain ruler came and worshipped him, saying that his
+daughter was dead, but making the request that she should be raised to
+life again. When Jesus entered the ruler's house, he said, "Give place,
+for the maid is not dead, but sleepeth." And they laughed him to scorn.
+But when the house was cleared he took the girl by the hand, and the
+maid arose. This was regarded as a miracle, but it could not be, because
+Jesus said the girl only slept, and it is not possible that a perfect
+God could tell an untruth.
+
+After this Jesus called together his twelve disciples, and gave them
+instructions what to do. He said:--"Provide neither gold, nor silver,
+nor brass in your purses, nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats,
+neither shoes, nor yet staves; for the workman is worthy of his meat.
+And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is
+worthy; and there abide till ye go hence. And when ye come into a house,
+salute it. And if the house be worthy, let your peace come upon it; but
+if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. And whosoever shall
+not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house
+or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Verily I say unto you, It
+shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the day of
+judgment than for that city." But it is doubtful if he meant the land of
+Sodom and Gomorrha, or Tyre and Sidon. However, though we may overlook
+this uncertainty, we cannot the fact, that a threat of destroying cities
+is held out if his disciples are not received and fed by people upon
+whom they have not the slightest claim. This advice would justify the
+order of 'Mendicant Friars in their lazy habit of living upon all who
+are willing to support them. He also added--"Behold, I send you forth
+as sheep in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and
+harmless as doves." Have not the Jesuits carried out this advice? And
+then he gave utterance to this painful truth to which the blood-stained
+pages of history can testify:--"Think not that I am come to send peace
+on earth: I came _not_ to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to
+set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her
+mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a man's
+foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother
+more than, me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter
+more than me, is not worthy of me." There has been no peace, and there
+can be none, in the world, so long as the contradictory and impossible
+doctrines of Jesus of Nazareth are taught as infallible truth. House has
+been divided against house, the father's hand lifted against the child,
+and the mother's loving tenderness turned to bitterest hate, because of
+differences of opinion upon Christian dogmas.
+
+While Jesus was making one of his incoherent speeches, somebody told him
+that his mother and brothers were without, desiring to speak with him.
+"But he answered and said unto him that told him, Who is my mother?
+and who are my brethren? And he stretched forth his hand toward his
+disciples, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren." There is here
+manifested a want of natural affection unbecoming any man, and which
+justifies M. Renan in saying, notwithstanding his great reverence for
+Jesus, that he was more loved than loving. There is scarcely a trace of
+affection throughout his life, from his childhood to his death. He
+was mystical and fanatical, like all who seek to set themselves up as
+inspired teachers.
+
+One day Jesus sat by the sea-side and talked to the people in parables.
+He is answerable for the following:--"For whosoever hath to him shall be
+given, and he shall have more abundance; but whosoever hath _not_, from
+him shall be taken away even that he hath." He says immediately after,
+as a sort of apology, "Therefore speak I to then in parables, because
+they seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not, neither do they
+understand."
+
+It would be a miracle greater than that worked among the pigs, if
+anyone did understand. This sort of talk must have been indulged in for
+amusement--it could not have had any serious purport, or if it had, it
+is too profound to be understood.
+
+When Jesus learnt the execution of John the Baptist, he departed into
+a desert place, but the multitude heard of him, and followed him out of
+the cities. And when evening came, the disciples asked him to send the
+multitude away, that they might go into the villages and buy themselves
+victuals. We do not usually find villages in _desert_ places; but that
+was quite as possible in this case as what followed. Jesus said they
+need not go, and told the disciples to give to the people to eat. They
+said, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He said, Bring them
+hither to me. And then looking up to heaven, he blessed and brake, and
+distributed to the multitude. Now out of this very small commissariat,
+about five thousand men, besides women and children, ate and were
+filled, and left twelve baskets full of fragments at the end of the
+feast. All we can deplore is, that the age of miracles is past. If
+anyone could do this now, what a number of attached followers be would
+have, no matter what his speculative opinions might be. He might believe
+in the eternity of punishments; in three Gods in one, or one in three;
+in election, predestination, or transmigration of souls--in short, in
+anything or nothing; if he could only feed his flock by casting his eyes
+up to heaven, he would soon empty all the churches and chapels in the
+kingdom. As Renan very powerfully points out, no miracle ever yet took
+place under scientific conditions; and till one of this description
+is wrought under such conditions, we must be allowed to suspend our
+judgment. We do not say it did not take place, but we don't believe it.
+It is true it does not say what kind of fishes the two were which served
+to fill five thousand men, _besides_ women and children, who probably
+ran the number up to eight thousand. Perhaps the fishes were whales, as
+the whole story is so "very like a whale" that any suggested solution of
+the astounding tale is legitimate. This miracle was once discussed by a
+society in Chicago, and the 'cute American intellect found a key to the
+mystery, for they _resolved_--"That the multitude must certainly have
+made their repast off _multiplication tables_!"
+
+After this stupendous feat, Jesus constrained his disciples to get into
+the ship and go across the water, whilst he remained behind to get rid
+of his well fed friends. And when night came, the ship was tossed by the
+storm. And in the fourth watch Jesus went unto them walking on the sea.
+When his disciples saw him they said he was a spirit, and cried out for
+fear. But Jesus said, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid. Then the
+enthusiastic Peter said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on
+the water. Jesus said, Come; to which Peter responded by stepping out of
+the ship; but he could not float, and began to sink rapidly, and would
+have perished if his master had not put out his hand and saved him.
+If this system of aquatic locomotion could be instituted now, it would
+supersede all lifeboats. But we have little _faith_ in these days of
+scientific facts, and it requires an immense amount of that commodity to
+be able to attempt even what was said to have been accomplished by the
+founders of our national religion.
+
+Jesus did not confine his creative abilities to the solid comforts of
+life, but exercised them upon the liquid luxuries of existence. Being
+invited to a wedding, and there being no wine, his mother, with a
+woman's natural solicitude on such an occasion, said to him, "They have
+no wine. Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine
+hour is not yet come." Now, what such a churlish answer had to do with
+the simple remark made by his mother, we leave to gentle Christians
+to say. However, after a time he became more amiable; and, no doubt,
+reflecting upon the disappointment of those who had come to a marriage
+feast, and found nothing but water to drink, he took compassion on
+them, and turned the water into wine, to the extent of "six water pots,
+containing two or three firkins apiece." "This beginning of miracles
+did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his
+disciples believed on him." Well they might; and we fear that any man
+in these days who should do such things, would have many followers, in
+spite of all the preaching of all the teetotallers, who, strange to say,
+for the most part profess to be good Christians, notwithstanding that
+Christ, when he had the opportunity of rebuking wine bibbing, did not do
+so, but encouraged it by supplying the very beverage which teetotallers
+so vehemently condemn.
+
+When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his
+disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of Man am? He was
+anxious to know what people thought of him now that he was become so
+famous. "And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist; some,
+Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets. He saith unto them,
+But whom say _ye_ that I am?" Of course Peter was ready to crown all,
+and he said--"Thou art the Christ, the son of the living God." For which
+Jesus blessed Peter, and promised him the keys of the kingdom of heaven;
+but they soon fell to quarrelling, when Jesus said that he must go unto
+Jerusalem, and suffer many things, and be killed, and be raised again
+the third day. Peter rebuked him, and said it should not be; but Jesus
+turned upon him, and said, "Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an
+offence unto me." It was not very dignified or in good taste after
+Peter had imparted such an important fact to him, which was done by a
+revelation of his Father which is in heaven.. But such was the manner of
+Jesus.
+
+When he left Galilee, and came into Judaea, he resolved to go to
+Jerusalem; and when he was come to the Mount of Olives, he sent two
+of his disciples to a village on a very questionable errand. It was to
+perform no less an act than the appropriation of a donkey and her colt.
+He told them that, if any one said aught unto them, they were to say,
+"The Lord hath need of them." That kind of answer would scarcely be
+deemed satisfactory in these days, especially to a policeman. He would
+very likely reply, If the Lord hath need of the ass, the magistrate
+hath need of thee; and if the instigator of the deed were not the actual
+thief, he would be charged as an accessory before the fact, and would
+be provided with board and lodging at the expense of the county for
+at least twelve months. This was done that another prophecy might be
+fulfilled, which said, "Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy king
+cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of
+an ass." But this prophet must have been an ass, or he would have known
+that even the Son of man would find it difficult to sit upon two asses
+of such unequal size at the same time. Apart from the absurdity of the
+story, it is an example of very loose notions indeed of the rights of
+property, which, if stated of Mahomet, of Joseph Smith the Mormon, or
+any other founder of a religious sect, would be quoted as a proof of his
+obliquity of moral vision. After this successful exploit of taking unto
+himself other people's goods, Jesus became quite daring; and when he got
+to Jerusalem he went into the temple of God, where he found a number of
+people carrying on their usual business. He had no more right there than
+they had--in fact, not so much, as he was a stranger to the city. But,
+notwithstanding this, he got a rope, and thrashed every one out of
+the place, upsetting the tables and chairs, and creating such a
+consternation as only a Bedlamite broken loose would be likely to
+produce. Though this was immediately after the appropriation of the two
+donkeys, upon which he had actually ridden to the temple, he called all
+the tradespeople dishonest, and accused them of having turned the place
+into a den of thieves. Whatever it might have been before he came,
+certainly one would think the designation not inappropriate after the
+arrival of himself and his disciples. He was not arrested on the spot
+for this act of assault and battery; but what should we think of the
+City Police Commissioner if he neglected to order into custody any mad
+enthusiast who might so conduct himself on the Stock Exchange? But he
+would not, and the enthusiast's vagaries and his visit to the police
+cell would be a very little time apart. It would be no use his alleging
+that he was about his Father's business, and that he was fulfilling
+prophecy--that would only aggravate the offence. He would be told that
+if his father did not take better care of him, the county asylum would;
+and the prophet would very soon be "wanted" who had instigated such
+folly.
+
+Jesus did not remain in the city during the night--it was not prudent
+after such an advent in the morning, but he went and lodged in Bethany,
+a little way out of town. In returning next morning he was hungry, so,
+when he came to a fig-tree, he looked at it hoping to find some fruit
+on it, but there was none, as it was not the right season. We should
+forgive an excited hungry man here if he, in a moment of forgetfulness,
+looked for apples in winter; but if he began to curse the tree for not
+bearing fruit out of season, we should think he was mad past doubt. Yet
+this is exactly what Jesus did; and not only so, but he withered the
+tree that it should not bear fruit thenceforward forever. His disciples
+marvelled at what he had done, as well they might. "Jesus answered and
+said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not,
+ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye
+shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into
+the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in
+prayer, believing, ye shall receive." No persons have ever yet had the
+requisite amount of faith to remove mountains; and the less they try
+such credulity on fruit trees, the better for our orchards. Nobody does
+or can believe such insane talk. Jesus went to the temple again, and
+whilst he was preaching, the Chief Priests and elders came and asked him
+by what authority he did such things. In true Quaker style he answered
+them by asking a question, which had the merit of being impossible of
+solution. He said--"The baptism of John, whence was it? from heaven, or
+of men?" They said: "We cannot tell. And he said unto them, Neither tell
+I you by what authority I do these things." That seemed to silence his
+interrogators, but it did not answer them. It was a favourite way with
+this Messiah; and we remain as much in the dark to this hour as did the
+Chief Priests and elders. This method of evasion is also exemplified
+in the case of the tribute money. When asked whether it was lawful to
+render tribute unto Caesar, he said, looking at a coin, "Whose is this
+image and superscription?" They said, Caesar's. "Then saith he unto them,
+Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar's, and unto God
+the things that are God's." Renan says on this point--"To establish as
+a principle that we must recognise the legitimacy of a power by the
+inscription on its coins, to proclaim that the perfect man pays tribute
+with scorn, and without question, was to destroy Republicanism in the
+ancient form, and to favour all tyranny. Christianity, in this sense,
+has contributed much to weaken the sense of duty of the citizen, and to
+deliver the world into the absolute power of existing circumstances."
+But we are not surprised that he should so readily teach the payment of
+tribute, considering how easy he found it to pay tribute himself;
+for the ludicrous account given in Matthew, in the same chapter which
+describes the transfiguration, shows Jesus discharging his own liability
+and that of Peter in the most original manner imaginable. Not wishing
+to offend the tax collectors, he said to Peter--"Go thou to the sea, and
+cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou
+hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: take that, and
+give unto them for me and thee." If fish of this description swam
+in rivers now, they would be preserved to the exclusion of the most
+delicious members of the finny tribe. Every man would be an angler,
+and fishing-tackle making would be the most lucrative trade known.
+Take another instance of evasion. The Sadducees did not believe in
+the resurrection, so they put a question to Jesus on that point. They
+instanced a woman who had been married to seven brothers in succession,
+all of whom had died. Therefore, in the resurrection, they asked whose
+wife she would be out of the seven when they met again. This was quickly
+disposed of, for "Jesus answered and said onto them, Ye do err, not
+knowing the Scriptures, nor the power of God. For In the resurrection
+they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of
+God in heaven." If this is so, what becomes of the hope which believers
+in immortality have that in heaven they will be joined again to those
+they have lost on earth? This great consolation of the Christian is
+founded on a delusion. Jesus also supplemented his statement with this
+remarkable declaration, "But as touching the resurrection of the dead,
+have ye not read that which was spoken unto you by God, saying, I am the
+God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob? God is _not_
+the God of the _dead_, but of the _living_," What then is the use
+of Catholic prayers for the souls of those in Purgatory? What is the
+utility of our burial service, which goes upon the supposition that God
+will attend to our requests as touching the dead we are about to consign
+to the grave? Freethinkers and rational thinkers discard the whole
+ceremony as a mockery. When once dead, the particles which composed our
+bodies are dissolved, and pass into new combinations--_we_ never live
+again.
+
+After he had done all his preaching, and had thoroughly aroused the ire
+of the authorities and most of the people of Jerusalem against him,
+he began to fear that he would have to suffer for it, and he told his
+disciples so. After they had supped together in the house of one of
+the friends, they departed to the Mount of Olives outside the city, and
+Jesus said they would all be offended with him because of that night.
+Peter the loquacious declared, that though all men might be offended
+because of him, he would never be. Jesus had no great opinion of Peter's
+steadfastness, and told him, notwithstanding his protestations of
+attachment, that before the cock crew he would deny him thrice. Peter
+asseverated again: "Though I should die with ye, yet will I not deny
+thee." Poor Peter's word, like his judgment, however, was not to be
+relied upon, for the very next day he denied all knowledge of Jesus, and
+when pressed for an answer, he began to curse and to swear that he had
+never seen him. Soon after this the Garden of Gethsemane, into which
+they had entered; was surrounded by a multitude with staves and with
+swords, and Jesus was arrested, Peter the dauntless did make some
+resistance, and cut off the ear of Malchus, a servant of the High
+Priest; but the loss was only temporary, for we are told that Jesus
+immediately "touched his ear, and healed him," and if this does not
+mean that he stuck the ear on again, what does it mean? When Jesus
+was arrested in the Garden, all the disciples, escaped as quickly as
+possible, but Peter followed at a distance; and when Jesus was taken to
+the house of Caiaphas the High Priest, Peter entered and mixed with
+the servants. He was soon recognised as a follower of Jesus; but when
+accused of the fact, he stoutly denied it three times, the last with
+oaths, like the low-bred man he was; for though he had been consorting
+with Jesus a long time, he had not learnt refinement of manners,
+which is not wonderful, as Jesus certainly did not set an example of
+choiceness of language, his favourite mode of speech being to call
+people fools, and to launch curses at them. But Peter had to fulfil a
+prophecy--namely, that he would deny his master _thrice_, before the
+cock crew _twice_, which he did before the cock crew _once_. And so that
+prophecy was fulfilled!
+
+When Jesus was first examined on the charge of blasphemy he remained
+silent, and would not answer any questions put to him. Then Caiaphas
+said--"I adjure thee by the living God that thou tell us whether thou be
+Christ, the Son of God." Jesus at last replied--"Thou hast said," which
+may fairly be interpreted to mean, "You say I am, not I." This is in
+keeping with his usual evasive mode of answering, as before pointed out.
+Especially as he continued--"Nevertheless I say unto you, _Hereafter_
+shall ye see the Son of man sitting on the right hand of power, and
+coming in the clouds of heaven." This was declared blasphemous, and we
+know how excited bigoted people get when that word is pronounced. So
+they struck the enthusiast, as he had struck others in the temple. In
+the morning he was bound and led before Pilate the governor, who asked
+him, "Art thou the king of the Jews?" He again answered, "Thou sayest"
+And when the Chief Priests and elders repeated their charges, he still
+refused to answer them, which surprised Pilate. However, Pilate saw no
+harm in what he had done, and was anxious to set him at liberty; but the
+priests, as is usual with them, persisted in their demands of vengeance
+against one who had offended them. Then Jesus was delivered over to the
+soldiers to be crucified, which was a very barbarous mode of execution.
+He was cruelly treated by the soldiers, who were incited thereto by
+the priests. He died the death of a malefactor, but his end was brought
+about by his own wild and extravagant conduct. In these days he would
+have been confined as a lunatic, but in that barbarous time, and
+under the influence of priests, he was tortured to death. No one
+can contemplate his fate, whatever his faults may have been, without
+feelings of sorrow. But if his death was to fulfil prophecy, and to save
+a lost and ruined world, we ought to regard it with exultation and great
+joy, and not only observe Good Friday as a national holiday, but every
+Friday as a public festival. But who, on calmly reading the narrative,
+and dismissing from his mind the fables taught him in his childhood, can
+see anything supernatural in Jesus' life and death? He displayed through
+life all the infirmities and littlenesses of a man, and he died like one
+who had brought about his own death by his own acts. When on the cross,
+and no doubt in mortal agony, he exclaimed, in the utterness of despair,
+like one who had long trusted to a delusion, and when too late had found
+out his mistake--"My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" The Chief
+Priests and elders, the people about, and even the two thieves who were
+dying with him, jeered him for his folly, saying, "He trusted in God;
+let him deliver him now, if he will have him: for he said, I am the Son
+of God." But there was no deliverance from heaven for him more than for
+any other man.
+
+Jesus had acted so extravagantly from the time he entered on public
+life that it is not surprising that his followers were infected by his
+example, and it is to them we are indebted for the re-appearance of
+Jesus after he was dead and buried. He himself said that he was to
+fulfil the prophecy of Jonas, for, as he was three days and three nights
+in the belly of the whale, so should the Son of man be three days and
+three nights in the heart of the earth. Yet he never went into the heart
+of the earth, but was laid in a tomb or cave with a door to it; and he
+was not even there three days and three nights, but only two nights,
+and not two days altogether. And so that prophecy was fulfilled! Jesus
+prophesied his own resurrection only, but the earthquake which followed
+his death was no respecter of persons, for when the veil of the temple
+was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake,
+and the rocks were rent, the graves were opened, and many bodies of
+the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after his
+resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many. No
+orthodox, Christians doubt for a moment that Jesus rose again from the
+dead, because he was to do so, and he was the Son of God; but do they
+believe these unknown saints revisited the glimpses of the moon, and
+experienced a resurrection equal to that of Jesus, for no purpose at
+all, and for no merit of their own? Yet we have no more authority for
+the one than the other, and no reason to believe one more than the
+other. Toward the end of the Sabbath (that is, Saturday evening) came
+Mary Magdalene, with the other Mary, to see the sepulchre where Jesus
+was laid, and another earthquake took place, and the angel of the Lord
+descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door,
+and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment
+like snow. He told the women that Jesus had risen, and asked them to see
+the place where the Lord lay. But whether they looked or not we are not
+told, but they ran away with fear and great joy to tell the disciples.
+And as they went, whom should they meet but Jesus himself, who said
+to them, "All hail." But then there is some little confusion in this
+infallible narrative. It was not towards the end of Saturday, but very
+early in the morning of Sunday, at the rising of the sun, that the women
+came, and for the purpose of anointing the body. And the stone was still
+against the door, and they said, Who shall roll us away the stone? But
+when they looked again the stone was away, and on entering the sepulchre
+they saw a young man dressed in white sitting _inside_, and no angel
+with a lightning face sitting _outside_. The women fled with terror, but
+told no man what they had seen; and it isa mystery to this day how that
+which was never told to any one is known to nearly all the world. Jesus
+did not meet the two Marys, but appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of
+whom he had cast seven devils. She went and told the disciples about the
+resurrection, but they believed her not. He appeared afterwards to two
+of his disciples, but they did not believe in his resurrection, neither
+did the eleven disciples, to whom he appeared. If they who knew him
+intimately did not believe in it after only three days' absence from
+them, shall we, after a lapse of eighteen hundred years, put faith in
+this clumsy, impossible, and absurd fable? But perhaps the condition
+he attached to the belief may have something to do with the faith of so
+many people in these days. He said, after upbraiding his disciples for
+their unbelief and hardness of heart--"He that believeth and is baptised
+shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned." That threat,
+fulminated from thousands of pulpits, has frightened timid and weak
+people in nearly every age of the Christian era. But then again there
+were not two women but many who went to the sepulchre, and they found
+the stone away; and when they entered they saw two men in shining
+garments, and the women did not conceal what they had seen, but went and
+told all the disciples, but they were not believed. This time the lively
+Peter ran to the tomb to look for himself, and saw nothing but the linen
+clothes lying by themselves. After that two of the disciples went to
+Emmana, where Jesus himself joined them, but they knew him not, and did
+not believe the story of his resurrection. He then rebuked them in
+his usual sweet and placid style, by exclaiming, "O fools, and slow of
+heart," and beginning at Moses and all the prophets, "he expounded unto
+them in all the Scriptures the things concerning himself," which must
+have been a tolerably long discourse for one so recently out of the
+grave. They asked him to stop with them and have something to eat,
+which, his appetite being as good as ever, he consented to do; and it
+was his mode of breaking bread and blessing it that convinced them that
+he was Jesus. And he then vanished out of their sight. They went to
+Jerusalem and told the others what they had seen, and while they were
+talking Jesus stood in the midst of them; but they did not know him
+again, but took him to be a spirit. He said--"Behold my hands and my
+feet, that it is myself; for a spirit hath not flesh and bones as ye see
+me have." And while they yet believed not for joy and wondered, he said
+unto them, "Have ye here any meat?" He was again hungry, and they gave
+him a piece of broiled fish and a honeycomb. And he took it, and did eat
+before them. That was enough to convince them a second time. "And he led
+them out as far as Bethany, and he lifted up his hands and blessed them.
+And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and
+carried up into heaven," with the broiled fish on his stomach, where he
+entered into joy everlasting.
+
+The foregoing will certainly be declared "blasphemous" by all true
+believers, and will no doubt be pronounced a "caricature" of Jesus by
+even Unitarians. But the fault does not lie with us--it is in the text,
+which we did not make. We are not responsible for the representation,
+for we have scrupulously followed the inspired delineations of the
+Evangelists. Let us briefly sum up this biography.
+
+Jesus was the Son of God, and not the son of his mother's husband, and
+his mother remained a virgin notwithstanding his conception and birth,
+although she strangely offered the usual sacrifice when the days of her
+purification were accomplished.
+
+He was descended from the royal line of David, that is, Joseph the
+husband of his mother was so descended; but then Joseph was not his
+father at all.
+
+The miraculous boy was to fulfil many prophecies; but although he often
+purposely acted in order to fulfil them, several given as illustrations
+are singularly wide of the mark.
+
+At twelve years of age he was a match for learned doctors in
+disputation, and could pertly rebuke his mother for inquiring where he
+had been for three days and three nights.
+
+He was baptised at thirty by John, who taught him rudeness of manners;
+and though a dove descended direct from heaven, and alighted on his
+head, he was immediately taken by the spirit into very dangerous places,
+was kept a remarkably long time without food, and was very strangely
+tempted by the Devil in person.
+
+He became a great talker, dealt largely in mystical language, and
+gathered followers from the poorest, most ignorant, and most credulous
+of his countrymen.
+
+He cured all sorts of diseases and afflictions, though there is no
+evidence that he ever underwent a medical training.
+
+He worked miracles, as became an Eastern founder of a sect, but his
+achievements scarcely rank as high as the tricks of an Indian juggler.
+
+He was uneducated, and never, so far as the record goes, wrote a line
+in his life; but as a preacher he was famous, and always succeeded
+in making his hearers marvel at his strange doctrines--doctrines so
+contradictory that no sane man can follow them.
+
+He was vituperative in his language, austere in his manners, undutiful
+and repelling to his mother.
+
+He appropriated other persons' property, and immediately after violently
+assaulted a large number of men, whom he charged with being dishonest.
+
+When asked questions touching vital points of his own doctrines, he
+usually gave evasive answers.
+
+He promised his disciples all sorts of wonderful powers if they would
+believe in him, and he promised also to come in a cloud with great glory
+before that generation passed away; but having risen from the grave, and
+ascended into heaven, he has not returned in a cloud with glory up to
+the time of our going to press.
+
+He ultimately met the death of a malefactor, and in the last moments of
+agony his fanaticism was strong upon him, for he promised to the thief
+who flattered him that he would meet him that day in paradise, though he
+did not go there himself till about six weeks afterwards.
+
+After his death he was brought to life again, thus defying all the laws
+of physiology. When but just out of the grave, his powers of preaching
+were as strong as ever, and his appetite as vigorous as though he had
+returned from a long journey; and after partaking of a singular repast,
+and before he had had time to digest it, he ascended into the clouds
+without the aid of a balloon, and was seen no more.
+
+All this, with much more of the same incredible nature, is taught as
+infallible truth by some of the best educated men the Universities can
+produce, and belief in the whole of it is necessary to "respectability"
+in this life, and to salvation in a life after death. How educated men
+can believe it, is a mystery which we trust the School Boards of the
+future will be able to unravel; at present we find it as insoluble as
+all the other sublime mysteries of Christianity, for we cannot believe
+that a University training necessarily makes men hypocrites, and we are
+loth to believe that on one most important subject it necessarily makes
+them imbecile.
+
+There would be fewer believers if there were more inquirers. The
+advocates of Bible reading in Elementary Schools must feel that there
+is danger to the faith lurking in the future if that "precious book"
+is read and not "expounded." Dogmatic teaching is the stronghold of
+the religion of Christendom. The "plain, unvarnished tale" of the
+Four Gospels would carry with it its own condemnation, for the best
+refutation of Christianity is a true knowledge of Christ.
+
+
+          Printed and Published by
+          C. Watts,  17, Johnson's Court, Fleet St, London, E.C.
+          PRICE TWOPENCE
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Ludicrous Aspects Of Christianity, by
+Austin Holyoak
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