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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105
+September 23, 1893, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 September 23, 1893
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 25, 2012 [EBook #38671]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Punch, or the London Charivari
+
+Volume 105, September 23rd 1893
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+"PAINLESS DENTISTRY."
+
+(_A Story for the Long Vacation._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Although professional engagements (not wholly unconnected with
+the holding of high judicial office in the Tropics) have recently
+prevented me from contributing to the paper which specially represents
+Bench and Bar, I have never lost sight of the fact that when I have
+a duty to perform, the pages of _Punch_ are open to me. Under these
+circumstances I find myself once again writing to the familiar
+address, and signing myself, as of yore, with the old name, and
+the ancient head-quarters. I must confess that although I date this
+communication from Pump-Handle Court, I am, as a matter of fact,
+staying at Callerherring, a health resort greatly patronised by all
+patients of that eminent doctor Sir PETER TWITWILLOW.
+
+It is unnecessary to describe a place so well known to all lovers of
+the picturesque. I may hint that the far-famed view of twelve Scotch,
+Irish, and Welsh counties, and the Channel and the Atlantic Ocean,
+can still be enjoyed by those who ascend Mount MacHaggis, and that the
+_table-d'hôte_ at the Royal Hibernian Hotel yet costs, with its seven
+courses, five-and-sixpence. And now to perform my duty.
+
+My son, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT (he is christened after some
+professional friends of mine, in the hope that at some distant date he
+may be assisted by them in the characters of good fairy godfathers in
+the profession to which it is hoped he may ornamentally belong), is
+extremely partial to sweetstuff. He is a habitual glutton of a sticky
+comestible known, I believe, in the confectionery trade as "Chicago
+Honey Shells." This toothsome (I have his word for the appropriateness
+of the epithet) edible he devours in large quantities, spending at
+times as much as five shillings to secure an ample store of an article
+of commerce generally bought in quantities estimated at the usually
+convenient rate of "two ounces for three halfpence."
+
+It was after a long gastronomic debauch connected with Chicago Honey
+Shells that I noticed that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT was suffering
+from a swollen face. My son, although evidently in great pain,
+declared that there was nothing the matter with him. However, as for
+three successive days he took only two helpings of meat and refused
+his pudding, I, in consultation with his mother, came to the
+conclusion that it was necessary to seek the advice of a local medical
+man. GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT raised objections to this course, but
+they were overruled.
+
+"No, Sir, the doctor is not in. He's out for the day."
+
+Such was the answer to my question put twice at the doors of two
+medical-looking houses with brass plates to match. On the second
+occasion I expressed so much annoyance that the servant quite
+sympathised with me.
+
+"Perhaps Master SAMMY might do, Sir?" suggested the kind-hearted
+janitor.
+
+On finding that "Master SAMMY" was a nephew of the owner of the house
+and a qualified medical man, I consented, and "Master SAMMY" was sent
+for. There was some little delay in his appearance, as, although the
+morning was fairly well advanced, he was not up. However, after making
+a possibly hasty toilette, he soon appeared. No doubt he was much
+older, but he looked about eighteen. He was very pleasant, and
+listened to my history of the case. He seemed, so it appeared to me,
+to recognise the Chicago Honey Shells as old acquaintances. It may
+have been my fancy, but I think he smacked his lips when I suggested
+that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had probably eaten five shillings'
+worth at a sitting.
+
+"You see," I said, "he has had a bad face ever since; and as our
+dentist in town told us about a fortnight ago that sooner or later
+he must have a tooth out, I think this must be the one to which he
+referred. Won't you see?"
+
+When, after some persuasion, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had been
+induced to open his mouth, "Master SAMMY" did see.
+
+"Yes," observed the budding doctor, after he had looked into my
+lad's mouth as if it were a sort of curiosity from India that he was
+regarding for the first time, "yes, I think it ought to come out."
+
+And armed with this opinion I asked my medical friend if he knew any
+one in Callerherring capable of performing the operation.
+
+"Well, yes," he replied, after some consideration; "there's a nice
+little dentist round the corner. He's called Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG."
+
+Then "Master SAMMY" smiled, and I felt sure that he and "the nice
+little dentist" must have quite recently been playing marbles
+together. Next came the question of the fee. "Master SAMMY" was
+disinclined to accept anything, evidently taking a low estimate of
+the value of his professional services. However, he ultimately said
+"Three-and-sixpence," and got the money. I would willingly have
+increased it to a crown had I not feared that the moment my back was
+turned "Master SAMMY" would have followed the example of GEORGE
+LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and himself indulged in five shillings' worth of
+Chicago Honey Shells.
+
+Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG lived in a rather fine-looking house, ornamented
+with an aged brass plate, suggesting that he had been established for
+very many years. A buttons opened the door, and, on my inquiring as to
+whether Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG was at home, promptly answered "Yes."
+
+From the venerable appearance of the brass plate I had expected to
+see a rather elderly dentist, with possibly white hair and certainly
+spectacles; so I was rather taken aback when a dapper young fellow,
+who seemed about the age of "Master SAMMY," entered the waiting-room.
+The juvenile new-comer made himself master of the situation. He
+seized upon the jaw of poor trembling GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and
+declared that "it must come out."
+
+"He'd better have gas," he observed. "But as I am full of engagements
+this morning, you really must let me fix a time."
+
+Then he took out a pocket-book which I could not help noticing
+contained such items as "Soda-water--3_s._," "Washing--5_s._," and
+"Church collection--6_d._," and placed our name and time amidst the
+other entries.
+
+We kept our appointment. The buttons was in a state of excitement. Mr.
+LEO ARMSTRONG received us, and pointed to the gas apparatus with
+an air of triumph, as if he had had some difficulty in getting it
+entrusted to him in consequence of his youth. Then "Master SAMMY" made
+his appearance. He was going to administer the gas. It was a pleasant
+family party, and I felt quite parental. Had it not been for poor
+GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT'S swollen face, I should have said to Mr.
+LEO ARMSTRONG, "Master SAMMY," my boy, and the buttons, "Here, lads,
+let us make a day of it. I will take you all to Madame TUSSAUD'S and
+the Zoological Gardens."
+
+"You have had the gas, haven't you?" said "Master SAMMY," who had been
+fumbling with the apparatus. "How do you put it on?"
+
+Poor GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, under protest, described the _modus
+operandi_. Then the mouth was opened, and "Master SAMMY" applied the
+gas. I am sorry to say he performed the operation rather clumsily, and
+my poor lad never "went off." GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT subsequently
+described every detail of the performance, and said that he had
+suffered excruciating pain. Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG went to work, and,
+after several struggles, got out a bit of tooth, and then another.
+Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT came to himself, and the usual
+comforts were supplied to him.
+
+"I think there's a bit of the tooth still in the gum," said Mr.
+LEO ARMSTRONG; and then, after a pause, with the air of Jack Horner
+pulling out a plum, he produced an immense pair of forceps from the
+instrument drawer. "There." he added, triumphantly, as he exhibited
+another piece of ivory, "I told you so!"
+
+GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had now sufficiently recovered to complain
+bitterly of the pain he had suffered.
+
+"Impossible," I observed; "remember this is _painless_ dentistry."
+
+I had not intended the remark as a witticism, but rather as a solace
+to the sufferer. Still, "Master SAMMY" and Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG accepted
+it as first-class waggery, and indulged in roars of laughter. Then the
+former took his departure. I found that I was indebted to the latter
+to the extent of 15_s._ 6_d._ I don't know how my dentist had arrived
+at the sum, but he said it with such determination that I could only
+offer a sovereign and receive the change.
+
+"I want my tooth," said GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, who is of an
+affectionate nature. "I want to give it to Mother."
+
+Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG interposed. He desired to keep the tooth (in
+several pieces) himself. I understood him to say that he regarded it
+as a memorial of an initial victory--his first extraction.
+
+"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "Why I thought you had been established at
+least twenty years, Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG."
+
+"Well, to tell the truth," was the reply, "I am not Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG.
+He's away for the day, and I am taking his place!"
+
+Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT and I bowed ourselves out. As I left
+the premises I fancied I heard the click of marbles. No doubt "Master
+SAMMY" and "Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG" had resumed the game our visit had
+interrupted. I was relieved to find myself safe from a fall caused
+perchance by one of their runaway hoops.
+
+And now to perform my duty. I need scarcely say that it is to add my
+recommendation to that of Sir PETER TWITWILLOW anent Callerherring.
+You should not fail to visit the place, especially if you have a son
+suffering from "a raging tooth," that "must come out."
+
+(_Signed_)
+
+A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
+
+  _Pump-Handle Court, Temple, September, 1893._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE JOVIAL HUNTSMEN.
+
+(_Latest Parliamentary Version._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  It's of three jovial huntsmen, an' a hunting they did go;
+  An' they hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' they blew their horns also.
+                         Look ye there!
+  An' one said, "Mind yo'r 'ayes,' and keep yo'r 'noes' well down th' wind,
+  An' then, by scent or seet, we'll leet on summat to our mind."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the first thing they did find
+  Was a tatter't boggart, in a field, an' that they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said it was a scarecrow, an' another he said "Nay;
+  It's just the British Farmer, an' he seems in a bad way."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find
+  Was a gruntin', grindin' grindlestone, an' that they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said it was a grindlestone, another he said "Nay;
+  It's just th' owd Labour Question, which is always in the way."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find
+  Was a bull-calf in a pinfold, an' that too they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said it was a bull-calf, an' another he said "Nay;
+  It is just a Rural Voter who has lately learned to bray."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find
+  Was a two-three children leaving school, an' these they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said that they were children, but another he said "Nay;
+  They're Denominational-divvels, who want freedom _plus_ State-pay."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, and the next thing they did find
+  Was two street-spouters and a crowd, an' these they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said they were street-spouters, but another he said, "Nay;
+  They're just teetotal lunatics who on Veto want their say."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find
+  Was a dead sheep hanging by it's heels, an' that they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said it was Welsh Mutton, but another he said, "Nay;
+  It's the ghost of a Suspensory Bill; we'd better get away!"
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find
+  Was a fat pig boltin' thro' a hedge, an' _that_ they left behind.
+                         Look ye there!
+  One said it was an Irish hog, but another he said "Nay;
+  It's our plump, pet Home-Rule porker, which the Lords have
+      driven away!"
+                         Look ye there!
+
+  So they hunted, an' they hollo'd, till the setting of the sun;
+  An' they'd nought to bring away at last, when th' huntin'-day
+      was done.
+                         Look ye there!
+  Then one unto the other said, "This huntin' doesn't pay;
+  But we've powler 't up an' down a bit, an' had a rattlin' day."
+                         Look ye there!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: BRILLIANT SUGGESTION.
+
+(_Overheard at the Sea-side._)
+
+_She._ "SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT ALL THE VISITORS HAVE GONE. DON'T YOU
+THINK SO?"
+
+_He._ "YES, BY JOVE! SO JOLLY NICE AND QUIET! OFTEN WONDER THAT
+_EVERYBODY_ DOESN'T COME NOW, WHEN THERE'S NOBODY HERE, DON'T YOU
+KNOW!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERIES.
+
+PARSON AND PREMIER.--I see that a person who is called "the Episcopal
+Vicar of Blairgowrie" said that he would decline to shake hands with
+the PRIME MINISTER, in the utterly improbable event of the PRIME
+MINISTER wishing to shake hands with _him_. May I inquire how there
+can be a "Vicar of Blairgowrie" at all? Is not the Established Church
+in Scotland the Presbyterian one? I know that they have "Lord Rectors"
+up north, and so perhaps there are Rectors as well, but I never heard
+of a Lord Vicar. "The Lord Vicar of Blairgowrie" would sound rather
+well. But what would his Lord Bishop say? Can any genuine Scotchman
+kindly assist me in unravelling this puzzle?--SOUTHRON BODY.
+
+OUR AUXILIARIES.--When are we likely to have a Minister of War who
+will do _real justice_ to Officers of the Volunteers? I may say that
+I am thinking of becoming an Officer myself, and I fancy that the
+following inducements would be likely to bring in a fresh supply of
+these deserving men:--(1) Exemption from Taxes. (2) Ditto from Rates,
+and Serving on Juries. (3) More gold braid everywhere. (4) A Volunteer
+Captain to rank equal to a Lieutenant-General, and a Major of
+Volunteers equal to the Commander-in-Chief. (5) Retiring pension, and
+not less than six medals or decorations, after half a year's service.
+Do you think that there would be much good in my writing to Mr.
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and suggesting this?--MODEST MERIT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNDER THE ROSE.
+
+(_A Story in Scenes._)
+
+SCENE IV.--_An Up-platform at Clapham Junction._ TIME--_Monday
+afternoon._
+
+_Curphew_ (_to himself, as he paces up and down with a pre-occupied
+air_). I ought to have been up at the Hilarity rehearsing hours ago.
+Considering all that depends on that play of mine--but there'll be
+time enough to pull _Flattery_ together before Saturday. And this is
+the only chance I have of seeing ALTHEA for days. Her mother hinted
+last night that she was obliged to let her travel up to Waterloo
+alone, and if I _did_ happen to be going up about this time--and
+of course I _do_ happen to be. I _must_ tell ALTHEA; I can't go on
+playing a part any longer. I felt such a humbug last night over that
+confounded Eldorado business. But if I'd revealed myself then as
+"Walter Wildfire, Comedian and Vocalist," those puritanical parents of
+hers would probably have both had a fit on the floor, and have kicked
+me out of the house as soon as they were sufficiently recovered!
+That's the worst of becoming intimate with a serious Evangelical
+family in the character of a hard-working journalist. I ought to have
+undeceived them, I suppose, but it was such a blessing to sink the
+shop--and besides, I'd seen ALTHEA. It would have been folly to speak
+until--but she must know now, I'll have no more false pretences. After
+all, there's no disgrace in being a music-hall singer. I've no reason
+to be ashamed of the means by which I've got my reputation. Ah! but
+she won't understand that--the name will be enough for her! And I
+can't blame her if she fails to see the glory of bringing whisky
+and water nightly to the eyes of an enraptured audience by singing
+serio-comic sentiment under limelight through clouds of tobacco-smoke.
+Heaven knows _I'm_ sick enough of it, and if _Flattery_ only makes
+a hit, I'd cut the profession at once. If I could only hear her say
+she--there she is--at last--and alone, thank goodness! I wish I didn't
+feel so nervous--I'm not likely to get a better opportunity. (_Aloud,
+as he meets_ ALTHEA.) Mrs. TOOVEY said I might--can I get your ticket,
+or see after your luggage, or anything?
+
+_Althea._ Oh, thank you, Mr. CURPHEW, but PH[OE]BE is doing all that.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself, his face falling_). That's the maid; then she's
+_not_ alone! I must get this over now, or not at all. (_Aloud._) Miss
+TOOVEY, I--I've something I particularly want to say to you; shall we
+walk up to the other end of the platform?
+
+_Alth._ (_to herself_). It looks more serious than ever! Is he
+going to give me good advice? It's kind of him to care, but
+still----(_Aloud._) Oh, but we shan't have time. See, there's our
+train coming up now. Couldn't you say it in the railway carriage?
+
+[_The train runs in._
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). For PH[OE]BE'S edification! No, I
+don't quite----(_Aloud, desperately._) It--it's something that
+concerns--something I can't very well say before anyone else--there'll
+be another train directly--would you mind waiting for it?
+
+_Alth._ (_to herself_). It's very mysterious. I _should_ like to
+know what it can be! (_Aloud._) I--I hardly know. I think we ought,
+perhaps, to--but this doesn't look a very nice train, does it?
+
+_Curph._ (_with conviction_). It's a _beastly_ train! One of the very
+worst they run, and full of the most objectionable people. It--it's
+quite noted for it.
+
+_Alth._ (_to_ PH[OE]BE, _who hurries up with her hand-bag_). No, never
+mind; I'm not going by this train, PH[OE]BE; we'll wait for a more
+comfortable one.
+
+_Ph[oe]be._ Very good, Miss. (_To herself, as she retires._) Well,
+if that isn't downright barefaced--I don't know what it is! I hope
+they'll find a train to suit 'em before long, and not stay here
+picking and choosing all day, or I shan't get back in time to lay the
+cloth for dinner. But it's the way with all these quiet ones!
+
+_Alth._ Did you want to speak to me about last night, Mr. CURPHEW?
+Has my cousin CHARLES been getting into any mischief? I only came in
+afterwards; but you were looking so shocked about something. Was it
+because he had been to a theatre, and do _you_ think that very wicked
+of him?
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). I ought to manage to lead up to it now.
+(_Aloud._) It was not a theatre exactly--it was--well, it was a
+music-hall.
+
+_Alth._ Oh! but is there any difference?
+
+_Curph._ Not much--between a music-hall and some theatres. At
+theatres, you see, they perform a regular play, with a connected
+plot--at least, some of the pieces have a connected plot. At a
+music-hall the entertainment is--er--varied. Songs, conjuring-tricks,
+ventriloquism, and--and that kind of thing.
+
+_Alth._ Why, that's just like the Penny Readings at our Athenæum!
+
+_Curph._ Well, I should hardly have--but I'm not in a position to say.
+(_To himself._) I'm further off than ever!
+
+_Alth._ It couldn't be _that_, then; for Papa has presided at Penny
+Readings himself. But CHARLES must have told him _something_ that
+upset him, for he came down to breakfast looking perfectly haggard
+this morning. CHARLES had a long talk in the library with him last
+night after you left, and then Papa went to bed.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). I felt sure that fellow spotted me. So he's
+let the cat out to old TOOVEY! If I don't tell her now. (_Aloud._) Did
+Mr. TOOVEY seem--er--annoyed?
+
+_Alth._ He looked worried, and I believe he wanted to consult _you_.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). The deuce he did! (_Aloud._) He mentioned me?
+
+_Alth._ He talked of going round to see you, but Mamma insisted on his
+staying quietly indoors.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). Sensible woman, Mrs. TOOVEY! But I've no time
+to lose. (_Aloud._) I think I can explain why he wished to see me. He
+has discovered my--my secret.
+
+_Alth._ Have you a secret, Mr. CURPHEW? (_To herself._) He can't mean
+_that_, and yet--oh, what _am_ I to say to him?
+
+_Curph._ I have. I always intended to tell him--but--but I wanted
+you to know it first. And it was rather difficult to tell. I--I risk
+losing everything by speaking.
+
+[Illustration: "He _does_ mean that!"]
+
+_Alth._ (_to herself_). He _does_ mean that! But I won't be proposed
+to like this on a railway platform; I don't believe it's proper; and
+I haven't even made up my mind! (_Aloud._) If it was difficult before,
+it will be harder than ever now--just when another train is coming in,
+Mr. CURPHEW.
+
+_Curph._ (_angrily, as the train passes_). Another--already! The
+way they crowd the traffic on this line is simply dis----But it's an
+express. It isn't going to stop, I assure you it isn't!
+
+_Alth._ It _has_ stopped. And we had better get in.
+
+_Ph[oe]be._ I don't know if you fancy the look of this train, Miss,
+but there's an empty first-class in front.
+
+_Curph._ This train stops everywhere. We shall get in just as soon by
+the next--sooner in fact.
+
+_Alth._ If you think so, Mr. CURPHEW, wait for it, but we really must
+go. Come, PH[OE]BE.
+
+_Ph[oe]be._ I only took a second for myself, Miss, not knowing you'd
+require----
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). There's a chance still, if I can get a
+carriage to ourselves. (_Aloud._) No, Miss TOOVEY, you must let me
+come with you. Your mother put you under my care, you know. (_To_
+PH[OE]BE.) Here, give me Miss TOOVEY'S bag. Now, Miss TOOVEY, this
+way--we must look sharp. (_He opens the door of an empty compartment,
+puts_ ALTHEA _in, hands her the bag, and is about to follow when he
+is seized by the arm, and turns to find himself in the grasp of_ Mr.
+TOOVEY.) How do you do, Mr. TOOVEY? We--we are just off, you see.
+
+_Mr. Toovey_ (_breathlessly_). I--I consider I am very fortunate in
+catching you, Mr. CURPHEW. I accidentally learnt from my wife that you
+were going up about this time--so I hurried down, on the bare chance
+of----
+
+_Curph._ (_impatiently_). Yes, yes, but I'm afraid I can't wait now,
+Sir. I--Mrs. TOOVEY asked me to take care of your daughter----
+
+_Mr. Toov._ ALTHEA will be perfectly safe. And I must have a few words
+with you at once on a matter which is pressing, Sir, very pressing
+indeed. ALTHEA will excuse you.
+
+_Alth._ (_from the window_). Of course. You mustn't think of coming,
+Mr. CURPHEW. PH[OE]BE will look after me.
+
+_Curph._ But--but I have an important engagement in Town myself!
+
+_Alth._ (_unkindly_). You will get up quite as soon by the next train,
+Mr. CURPHEW, or even sooner--you said so yourself, you know! (_In an
+under-tone._) Stay. I'd _rather_ you did--you can tell me your--your
+secret when I come back.
+
+_The Guard._ Vauxhall and Waterloo only, this train. Stand back there,
+please!
+
+[_He slams the door; the train moves on, leaving_ CURPHEW _on the
+platform with_ Mr. TOOVEY.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself, bitterly_). What luck I have! She's gone
+now--and I haven't told her, after all. And I'm left behind, to have
+it out with this old pump! (_Aloud._) Well, Sir, you've something to
+say to me?
+
+_Mr. Toov._ (_nervously_). I have--yes, certainly--only it--it's of
+rather a private nature, and--and perhaps we should be freer from
+interruption in the waiting-room here.
+
+_Curph._ (_to himself_). I wish I'd thought of that myself--earlier.
+Well, he doesn't seem very formidable; it strikes me I shan't find it
+difficult to manage him. (_Aloud._) The waiting-room, by all means.
+
+[_He follows_ Mr. TOOVEY _into the General Waiting-room, and awaits
+developments_.
+
+END OF SCENE IV.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DUE SOUTH!"
+
+[Illustration]
+
+NOTE.--When I am travelling due South, as I am now, _per_ L. & S.
+W. R., to join my party, all I require may be summed up in the
+accompanying "_Mem._," which is to this effect:--
+
+_Mem._--Give me a Pullman car, my favourite beverage, a good cigar,
+or an old pipe charged with well-conditioned bird's-eye, an amiable
+companion possessed of sufficient ready money in small change, give
+me likewise a pack of playing cards, let the gods grant me more than
+average luck at écarté or spoof, and never can I regret the two hours
+and forty minutes occupied by the journey from "W't'r'o" to "P'm'th."
+
+To start with, the line to Pinemouth is one of those "lines" that
+have "fallen," in the pleasantest of "pleasant places." On a
+broiling summer's day you pass through a wide expanse of landscape,
+refreshingly painted in Nature's brightest water colours--plenty of
+colour, plenty of water. All over the sandy plains of Aldershot, boxes
+of toy soldiers, with white toy tents and the smartest little flags,
+have been emptied out; and everywhere about the tiny figures may
+be seen marching, lounging, digging, riding, firing, surveying,
+performing evolutions to the sound of the warlike trumpet, and
+generally employed in a sort of undressed rehearsal of such martial
+business as is incidental to a Great Campaign Drama. Then, lest the
+spirits of the travelling tourist should rise so high that he might
+run the chance of "getting a bit above hisself," as horse-dealers
+graphically express it, he is whirled away from the war-like scene,
+and is taken through the peaceful grounds of Wokingham. Here to the
+unwonted military ardour so recently aroused in the bosom of the
+travelling civilian will be administered a succession of dampers in
+the shape of attractively-placed and most legibly printed reminders to
+the effect that "eligible plots" for burial are "still to be let," and
+that the terms for intending residents in the thriving country town of
+Necropolis can be obtained on application to Messrs. Somebody and Sons
+at Suchandsucher Place, London; the tone of these notices suggesting,
+in a generally festive spirit, that the good old maxim "first come
+first served" will be strictly observed in all matters of Necropolitan
+business.
+
+Then we come to fair Southampton Water, with its marine kind of flymen
+waiting to take you to the boats, and the boats waiting to take you
+from the flymen to the yachts. On we speed through the New Forest,
+where those historically inclined remember WILLIAM RUFUS, and others,
+with a modern political bias, think of WILLIAM HARCOURT; while the
+grateful novel-devourer remembers that away in the forest resides
+the authoress of _Lady Audley's Secret_, and many other plots. Here,
+within ten minutes of our appointed time, is Terminus Number One, East
+Pinemouth, and, finally, West Pinemouth, which, speaking for myself
+individually and collectively, I prefer to East Pinemouth; at all
+events, at this particular time of year. Moreover, it appears that
+a rapidly increasing number are of my opinion, seeing how
+house-building, and very good house-building, too, is extending
+westward, and, alas and alack-a-day, threatening immediate destruction
+to heather, pine, fir, and forest generally. I sing:--
+
+  "How happy could I be with heather
+    If builder were only away!"
+
+No sooner is a house (most of them excellently-planned houses) set up,
+with garden and lovely view of sea, than down in front of him squats
+another squatter, up goes another house, the situation is robbed of
+the charm of privacy, and unless the owner of the first house sits
+on his own roof or has a special tower built, which erection would
+probably involve him in difficulties with his neighbours, his view of
+the sea is reduced to a mere peep, and in course of time will, it is
+probable, be altogether blocked out. However, as Boys will be Boys, so
+Builders will be Builders.
+
+One of the chief advantages offered by Pinemouth as a place where
+a summer holiday may be happily spent, is the facility afforded for
+getting away from it, in every possible direction; by sea, river,
+rail, and road. _À propos_ of "road," the fly-drivers, shopkeepers,
+and livery-stable keepers of P'm'th, are, for the most part, like
+the fly-drivers, livery-stablers, and shopkeepers at any place which
+boasts a recognised season. The eccentric visitor, who chooses to come
+out of the regulation time, must take his chance, and be content with
+out-of-season manners to suit his out-of-season custom; still, in
+the words of the immortal bard, "They're all right when you know 'em,
+_but_ you've got to know 'em fust!"
+
+As to the hiring of flys and midgets, there is a board of rules
+and regulations stuck up in the railway station and elsewhere, the
+interpretation whereof may possibly be mastered by those able and
+willing to devote a few days to the study of its dark sayings.
+
+"What's the meaning of this rule?" I inadvertently ask a ruddy-faced
+policeman, on whose broad shoulders time unoccupied seems to be
+weighing somewhat heavily, at the same time pointing to one of the
+regulations on the board in question.
+
+"Well, Sir," replies the civil constable, in a carefully measured
+tone, "it is this way"--and then he commences.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I breathe again; it is half an hour since I addressed that ruddy-faced
+official, from whom, thank goodness, I have at last contrived to
+escape. He has kept me there, giving me, as it were, a lecture on the
+black board, telling me what this rule might mean if it were read one
+way, and what that rule might mean if it were read another way, and
+what both rules might mean if they were each of them read in totally
+different ways; and how one was labelled "_a_" (which I saw for
+myself), and how another was distinguished by being lettered "_b_";
+and how he (my constabulary instructor) "wasn't quite sure himself
+whether his reading of 'em was quite right;" then going over all the
+paragraphs again in detail, indicating each syllable with his finger,
+as though he were teaching an infant spelling-class, and finally
+coming to the conclusion whereat _Bottom_ the Weaver arrived when
+he surmised that it was all "past the wit of man to understand," and
+advising me that, on the whole, if any particular case of attempted
+extortion should happen to arise, I should do well _not_ to appeal to
+these rules and regulations, but to summon the extortionist before
+the nearest police magistrate. "But," said he, as if struck by a new
+light, "it may be that this rule '_a_'"----And here he faced round,
+in order more closely to inspect the mysterious cryptogram. Taking
+advantage of his eye being off me for one second, which it had never
+once been during the previous thirty minutes, I stepped as lightly and
+rapidly away as my thirteen stone will permit, and fled. I fancied I
+heard him calling after me that he had discovered something or other;
+but not even if he had shouted "Stop thief!" should I have paused in
+my Mazeppa-like career. "Once aboard the lugger," I exclaim to myself,
+quoting the melodramatic pirate, "and I am free!" So saying, I entered
+the hospitable gates of my present tenancy, and sank exhausted on the
+sofa.
+
+_Mem._--Never again ask a policeman to explain strange cab-rules and
+regulations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT A QUESTION AT ISSUE.
+
+    ["Mr. GOSSE holds a middle station between the older and the
+    younger schools of criticism. He is neither a distinguished
+    and respectable fossil nor a wild and whirling
+    catherine-wheel."--_Athenæum._]
+
+  Oh, luckiest of Critics! What
+    A joy unquestioning to feel
+  On such authority he's not
+    "A wild and whirling catherine-wheel."
+
+  And is it such a wild idea
+    To think that clever Mr. GOSSE'll
+  Rejoice he's reckoned not to be a
+    "Respectable, distinguished fossil?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE.
+
+_Would-be Considerate Hostess_ (_to Son of the House_). "HOW
+INATTENTIVE YOU ARE, JOHN! YOU REALLY MUST LOOK AFTER MR. BROWN. _HE'S
+HELPING HIMSELF TO EVERYTHING!_"
+
+[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very
+healthy appetite._
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LESSON FOR "LABOUR."
+
+    ["The overwhelming vote of the Yorkshire, Derbyshire, and
+    Lancashire miners against accepting any reduction, or even
+    submitting the wages question to arbitration, does not
+    encourage any very sanguine hopes of the Nottingham
+    Conference."--_Westminster Gazette._]
+
+  "_My sentence is for open war!_" Thus spake
+  Fierce Moloch, when within the marly lake
+  "The Stygian Council" in dark conference met!
+  "The scepter'd king's" advice prevaileth yet,
+  And Mammon's self, who in his pristine might
+  Stooped to the avowal that "all things invite
+  To peaceful counsels," now in stubborn mood
+  Urges resistance--at the cost of blood!
+
+  Yes, Mammon, musing on "the settled state
+  Of order," at that dim chaotic date,
+  Speaks, in the mighty-voiced Miltonic way,
+  "Of Peace," and "how in safety best we may
+  Compose our present evils, with regard
+  Of what we are and were." Mammon's award
+  Is now more martial: Mammon, swoln and proud
+  With domination o'er the moiling crowd,
+  Lifts a most arrogant head, and coldly curls
+  An insolent lip against the clod-soul'd churls
+  Whose destiny and duty 'tis to slave
+  'Twixt cradle comfortless and cheerless grave,
+  To glut his maw insatiate!
+
+                            Proud is Pelf;
+  But might not Legend lesson Labour's self?
+  "Thus sitting, thus consulting, thus in arms!"
+  Comes not the echo loud of wild alarms
+  To Labour's Conference? Violence and wreck,
+  Incendiary hate that sense should check,
+  Mad mob-intimidation, brutal wrath,--
+  These are strange warders for the pleasant path
+  Of human progress! While they crowd and clash
+  In headlong stubbornness and anger rash,
+  Whilst factories burn, and workmen fall in blood,
+  And women mourn, and children moan for food,
+  Unnumbered multitudes the misery feel
+  Who share not in its making!
+
+                                Mars' red steel
+  Is sheathed to-day at Arbitration's nod;
+  Hath this no lesson for the milder god?
+  Vulcan, the smithy-toiler, and his crowd
+  Of sooty Cyclops, raging fierce and loud,
+  Impetuous, implacable, whilst Mars,
+  That savage god of sanguinary wars,
+  Awaits the award of Arbiters of Peace!
+  Strange contrast!
+
+                       "Cease, great hammer-wielder, cease!"
+  Says the Sword-bearer. "Cease this frenzied fray.
+  Try Arbitration--'tis the gentler way,
+  And wiser. I have tried it--shall not you?
+  Call back your Cyclops, let not _them_ imbrue
+  Swart hands in Battle's sanguinary hue.
+  Shall War, now partly driven from the field,
+  Find refuge in the factory, nor there yield
+  To the sage suasion of mild Equity,
+  At whose just Arbitration even I
+  Suspend or drop the sword?"
+
+                            So Mars, and so
+  All friends of Labour. Raise no stubborn "No!"
+  At Arbitration's offering, seeing that there
+  Lies fairest hope of an adjustment fair
+  'Twixt clashing claims, which if they "fight it out"
+  In war's wild way may put to utter rout
+  Humanity's fairest hopes. Oh, time enough
+  When Arbitration fails to essay the rough
+  And ruddy road of Mars. Stay, Vulcan stay!
+  Or blameless hosts long-menaced by your fray
+  May have a stern effective word to say!
+  And you, as once of old, though stout and tall,
+  Kicked out of heaven may have a maiming fall!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SURGEON-MAJOR PARKE.
+
+(_Doctor to Stanley's Emin Pasha Relief Expedition. Died September 10,
+aged 35._)
+
+  "Rarest doctor in the world!"
+    Tribute rare from sturdy STANLEY!
+    Skilful, tender, modest, manly!
+  England's flag may well be furled
+    Over the young hero's bier,
+    Whose memory is to England dear.
+  Africa has cost us much.
+  Fortune send us many such!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. says she understands that disaffecting (disinfecting) fluid
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LESSON FOR "LABOUR."
+
+MARS. "LOOK HERE, BROTHER VULCAN!--WHEN EVEN _I_ HAVE KNOCKED UNDER TO
+'ARBITRATION,' SURELY _YOU_ MIGHT TRY IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO DOCTOR FALBE.
+
+  You're not in-_fal'be'_-le, Doctor dear--
+    Excuse the painful pun,
+  Though you merit treatment e'en more severe
+    For all the ill you've done.
+  You held a nasty cloud of doubt
+    Above our sunlit sky,
+  And now at length we've found you out,
+    Our summer is near gone by.
+
+  Yes, a summer indeed we've had this year,
+    In spite of your doleful croak,
+  Though perhaps your early prediction drear
+    Was simply a practical joke--
+  A wearisome joke that wouldn't die,
+    For every man one met
+  Would remind one of FALBE and his prophecy--
+    "We're soon to have lots of wet."
+
+  But what of the tradesmen who laid in store
+    Of "brollies" and mackintosh
+  On the strength of your hint as to rain galore
+    And unlimited Autumn slosh?
+  Oh, FALBE, if _they_ but got hold of you,
+    What a tune they _would_ perform!
+  There's one prediction we'd warrant true--
+    You'd find it extremely warm!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WELL, REALLY, MY DEAR!"
+
+_Mrs. R._ "CHRISTOPHER DARLING, I NEVER _CAN_ REMEMBER WHETHER
+'SODA-WATER' IS WRITTEN AS ONE WORD OR TWO JOINED TOGETHER BY A
+SYPHON?!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE THREE TARTARS.
+
+(_By One of the "Thirty-six Tyrants" of the Liberal Party._)
+
+  HANBURY, BOWLES, and BARTLEY,
+  Talk and wrangle tartly;
+  Sour as unripe cranberry
+  Are BARTLET, BOWLES, and HANBURY;
+  Three most sorrel souls
+  Are HANBURY, BARTLEY, BOWLES!
+  They the blame would fix
+  On the Liberal Thirty-six.
+  As "tyrants," what are we
+  Compared with that "Tartar Three,"
+  Who--but I'll be mum:--
+  "I hear the Tartar drum!"
+  Loudly thumped, and smartly,
+  By HANBURY, BOWLES, and BARTLEY!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Cherchez l'Homme.
+
+    ["The appearance of a Ladies' Eight on the Thames in the
+    Cookham district has attracted considerable attention.... Mr.
+    R. C. LEHMANN has handled the rudder-lines on more than
+    one occasion, and General HAMMERSLEY has also been out as
+    coxswain."--_Daily News._]
+
+  The Ladies' Eight at Cookham rows right well,
+    There's many a crew of men would not get near them;
+  But is it not a saddening truth to tell?
+    The ladies often take a man to steer them!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLDEN MEMORIES.
+
+(_By a (not) Dumb Waiter._)
+
+  Summers come and Summers go, Sir,
+    As appints the course of Nater:
+  In the winter I'm a grocer,
+    In the Summer I'm a waiter.
+  I'm a waiter at the sea-side;
+    There's the "Grand Hotel" up yonder--
+  Never hancient Rome or Greece eyed
+    Poet of the Summer fonder.
+
+  Though I'm quite self-heddycated,
+    Yet I love the Summer golden;
+  Every gent on whom I've waited
+    Feels 'isself to me beholden;
+  As appropriate verse I quote, Sir,
+    I can watch 'em growing gladder:
+  They're aweer 'ow much I dote, Sir,
+    On the golden light and shadder.
+
+  "_Tipped with gold_" the clouds and copses,
+    "_Tipped with gold_" yon arf-awake ox,
+  "_Tipped with gold_" the sheep and wapses,
+    "_Tipped with gold_" the 'arvest 'aycocks;
+  "_Tipped with gold_" the cows as browses,
+    Ditto waves and fish and sea-things,
+  Ditto shops and dwellin'-'ouses,
+    Ditto our hotel and tea-things.
+
+  "_Tipped with gold._" It's langwidge splendid,
+    Summing hup the Summer brightly--
+  Good for Nater, good for men, did
+    Gentlemen but read it rightly.
+  "_TIPPED with gold_" still what I quote is:
+    'Umble folk should not be proud, Sir,--
+  Which I 'opes you've marked our notice--
+    "No gratuities allowed," Sir!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LINES ON (AND OFF) AN ITALIAN MULE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  O dubious hybrid, what your patronymic
+    Or pedigree may be, does not much matter;
+  But if my own attire you mean to mimic,
+    And flaunt the fact that you, too, have a hatter--
+      Well then, in self-defence I'll pick with you
+                        A bone or two.
+
+  Perchance you have a motive, deep, ulterior,
+    In donning head-gear borrowed from banditti?
+  You wish to show an intellect superior,
+    (And hide a profile which is not too pretty?)
+      Or is it, simply, you prefer to go
+                      _Incognito_?
+
+  A transmigrated BALAAM'S self you _may_ be,
+    But still I bar your method of progression;
+  For while I sit, as helpless as a baby,
+    And scale each precipice in steep succession,
+      You scorn the mule-track, and pursue the edge
+                      Of ev'ry ledge.
+
+  How can I scan with rapt enthusiasm
+    These Alpine heights, when balanced _à la_ BLONDIN,
+  While you survey with bird's-eye view each chasm?
+    I cry _Eyupp! Avanti!_--_you_ respond in
+      Attempts straightway to improvise a
+                      "chute" For me, you brute!
+
+  _Basta! per Bacco!_ I'll no longer straddle
+    (With cramp in each adductor and extensor)
+  This seat of torture that they call a saddle!
+    _Va via!_ in plain English, get thee hence, or----
+      On second thoughts, to leave unsaid the rest,
+                      I think, were best!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO MAUDE.
+
+(_In and Out of Church._)
+
+  A little saint! At church I see you pray,
+    As if a worldly thought would make you faint,
+  Serenely walking on your heavenly way,
+                        A little saint.
+
+  And yet--although I would make no complaint.--
+    You quickly doff the grave to don the gay.
+  Your cheeks aren't wholly innocent of paint,
+    You flirt outrageously the livelong day.
+  Colloquially, dear MAUDE, in fact you ain't
+    I'm thoroughly rejoiced to say
+                      A little saint.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LOVE AND LAW.
+
+(_A Fragment from a Modern Romance._)
+
+    ["It would be distinctly an advantage to girls to serve as
+    clerks in a lawyer's office before they launched forth on the
+    world."--_Weekly Paper._
+
+EDWIN was sad indeed, for all had gone against him. He had lost
+everything. Even the furniture in the house he occupied was scarcely
+his--for all he knew, at any moment it might be seized in execution.
+
+"What shall I do?" he asked again, wringing his hands and tearing his
+hair.
+
+"Cheer up," was the reply, spoken in a soft voice and by a sweet-faced
+girl. It was ANGELINA.
+
+"And you have come to me in my distress--after I have treated you so
+badly?" he said, with a flush of shame colouring his hitherto pale
+face.
+
+"No, darling," returned the golden-haired maiden, looking into his
+brown eyes with optics of an azure hue. "Do not say that you have
+behaved badly to me. You wrong yourself; you do, indeed."
+
+"Have I not deserted you?" he asked in a tone of bitter sorrow.
+
+"But only after you had written me letters upon which I could base an
+action for breach of promise," murmured the forgiving girl.
+
+"But do you propose to proceed upon them?" he asked earnestly.
+
+"Yes, my own. To quote that touching song you so frequently sang to
+me in the gilded days of the golden past, 'it will be the best for you
+and best for me.' I shall certainly ask for substantial damages."
+
+"And is there no way to avoid this crushing, this final disaster?"
+asked the young man, in deep distress.
+
+"Dearest, you know that I have studied the law. Well, I would propose
+that you should carry out your contract. I have here the form which
+requires but the registrar's signature to make us man and wife. What
+do you say to the matter being settled to-morrow?"
+
+"If it must be so, it must," returned EDWIN, in a tone of resignation.
+"And now, as we are to be married to-morrow, let us dine together. I
+have an invitation from my aunt at Putney to stay with her until my
+goods have been seized and sold. I am off. She will extend to you her
+hospitality."
+
+"Oh, my betrothed, I cannot come." she sobbed. "I am kept here by
+duty."
+
+"Well, as you will," he replied, carelessly. "But I suppose we meet at
+noon at the registrar's to-morrow?"
+
+"Yes, for by that time all will be over. The goods will be removed,
+and I shall be free--free to become your wife."
+
+"But what have you got to do with my property?"
+
+Then came the sorrowful admission.
+
+"Oh, EDWIN, my own. You know I am in a lawyer's office. For the moment
+I am their guardian. Yes, darling, I am the woman in possession!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
+
+_Cook_ (_to Vicar's Wife_). "AND WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THE SOLE THAT
+WAS SAVED YESTERDAY, MA'AM?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BALLADE OF LOST REPARTEES.
+
+  When mirthful humours reign supreme,
+    And heated revellers are prone
+  To make sound wisdom kick the beam,
+    While vain wine-bubble wit alone
+    Has weight, we, mostly, can depone
+  To feeling joy to blankness fade
+    On finding, now our chance has flown,
+  The repartee we might have made.
+
+  One prating fool is apt to deem
+    No jesting pretty save his own;
+  Another strives, whate'er the theme,
+    To make all comers, passive grown,
+    "Perform the office of a hone"[*]
+  For sharpening his witty blade;--
+    Too late below our breath we moan
+  The repartee we might have made.
+
+  Of course, it now contrives to seem
+    So patent to the dullest drone;
+  And, if we wake or if we dream,
+    It weighs upon us like a stone,
+    But, unlike, cannot now be thrown;
+  And thus we languish in the shade,
+    Because the world has never known
+  The repartee we might have made.
+
+_Envoi._
+
+    My friends, a certain sage has shown
+  What paving-stones below are laid;
+    Now learn that on each blast is blown
+  The repartee we might have made!
+
+[Footnote *:
+
+              "_Fungar vice cotis_, acutum
+  Reddere quæ ferrum valet, exsors ipsa secandi."
+                       HORACE. _De Arte Poetica._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BURDEN OF BURDON SANDERSON.
+
+    ["Every organism must have sprung from a unicellular
+    ancestor."--_Dr. Burdon Sanderson's Presidential Address to
+    the British Association._
+
+  That life is a sell we most of us know,
+    But Doctor BURDON SANDERSON tells
+  It began in a cell oh! æons ago!
+    And Progress is merely the growth of cells.
+  And is _that_ what you were fashioned for
+  Our "unicellular ancestor"?
+
+  "The specific energy of cells"
+    Is a taking phrase, but what does it mean?
+  Is it merely the Life that in most things dwells,
+    Or must we go reading the lines between,
+  To find what you really were fashioned for,
+  Our "unicellular ancestor"?
+
+  Words, words, words! What matter if
+    They're scientific and pseudo-oracular.
+  Or, scouting a terminology stiff,
+    Couched in sciolist's plain vernacular!
+  _Do_ they tell us what you were fashioned for,
+  Our "unicellular ancestor"?
+
+  BURDON'S burden, like VILLON'S of old
+    Leaves us a prey to doubt and fear.
+  Your meaning and purpose when _shall_ we be told
+    Oh cells--or snows--of yester-year?
+  Or what you truly were fashioned for
+  Our "unicellular ancestor"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MODERN "TENDER" PASSION.--Bimetallism.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, September 11._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS walking
+about the Lobby with a new foot-rule obtrusively held in his hand.
+Thought at first he was going to probe somebody, after the fashion of
+SWIFT MACNEILL, in rare access of ferocity.
+
+"No," he said, when I asked him if that was his business; "we are
+presently going to debate question of appointment of Duke of CONNAUGHT
+to command at Aldershot. I want to know precisely how far out of
+the line of fighting the Duke was at Tel-el-Kebir. You know
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S suave manner. When I put question to him, he'll
+say, 'How can I tell the Hon. Member, not having a foot rule in
+my pocket.' As soon as he says that, I whip this out; he will sit
+confounded, and either we shall get at the truth of a matter with
+which country is deeply concerned, or CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN must go.
+I have no personal interest in such a contingency. If there were a
+vacancy at the War Office, it is, of course, quite possible that Mr.
+G. might think of me. I fancy in Committee on the Army Estimates I
+have shown I know a thing or two. But that is neither here nor there.
+It will be time to decide on the offer when it is made, if indeed
+prejudices, from which even Liberal Ministry are not free, do not
+stand in the way. At present I want to know, within a foot or two--no
+one can say I'm unreasonable--how far off the fighting the Duke
+of CONNAUGHT stood, and CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN will have to answer the
+question."
+
+[Illustration: A HOUSE OF APOLLO-TICIANS--AS SEEN BY THEMSELVES.]
+
+Turned out that ALPHEUS did not find opportunity of bringing in the
+foot measure. DALZIEL raised question Appointment of Royal Duke to
+command at Aldershot; a ticklish subject for young Member to take up.
+DALZIEL'S manner excellent; gave tone to debate, happily preserved
+throughout; several times ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS brought out foot-rule and
+shook it at CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN. War Minister, naturally well up
+in strategy, had observed precaution of placing on his flank his
+Financial Secretary, WOODALL, V.C. If there was any probing to be
+done that veteran would receive first onslaught. Thus assured,
+CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN made admirable defence of a position held in
+advance to be shaky. Came out of Division Lobby with flying colours
+and majority of 117.
+
+[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas's Foot-Rule.]
+
+_Business done._--Army Votes in Committee of Supply.
+
+_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-day--at least Lord DENMAN
+and the Bishop of ELY did. They, facing each other from either side of
+otherwise empty chamber, heard Royal assent given to number of bills,
+and House adjourned for seven days. Don't know what we should have
+done this week in Lords but for DENMAN. Everyone else gone out of
+town. He still treads the burning deck, his plum-hued skull-cap giving
+touch of chastened colour to passages leading to and from the House.
+Severe taste might object that it is a little painful in conjunction
+with the brilliant red of the leather-covered benches. But whoever
+responsible for selection of that decoration should have thought
+of DENMAN'S skull-cap. He was here yesterday; did quite a lot of
+business; moved Second Reading of his Woman's Suffrage Bill.
+
+"My Lords," he said, rising from the seat which the burly figure of
+the MARKISS usually fills, "I think there is an opportunity of making
+substantial progress with this important measure. If your Lordships
+will be so good as to suspend the Standing Orders, as has just been
+done in case of Naval Defence Amendment Bill, we could carry the
+measure through all the stages before your Lordships rise."
+
+For all answer KENSINGTON, on Woolsack in absence of LORD CHANCELLOR
+pacing the battlements of his lordly castle at Deal, put the question
+that the Bill be read a second time; declared in same breath
+"the Not-Contents have it;" and so DENMAN and his little Bill
+contemptuously swept aside.
+
+"I thought better of them, TOBY," he said, when I met him an hour
+later still hovering round the closed doors of the House. Over his arm
+was his rusty old coat; in one hand a stick; in the other a hat that
+had seen silkier days. There was a tear in his eye, and a tremor in
+his still musical voice. "It seemed as if a better day had dawned;
+and that the House of Lords was about at last to recognise in me the
+worthy son of a father once their pride. Last week the change suddenly
+came. It was DENMAN this and DENMAN that, and 'we must see what we
+can do about your Suffrage Bill.' The MARKISS going to his seat on
+Wednesday gave me a friendly nod and smile. Usually he never sees me
+except when I get on my legs, when he forthwith moves the Adjournment
+of House. As for the Whips, I fancied they must have been looking up
+my speeches in _Hansard_, and learned what they had lost by not being
+in their place to hear them. 'I trust your lordship is well, and do
+not find the electric light too glaring?' 'You must take a place by
+the table so that you can hear SALISBURY and ROSEBERY.' 'We shan't
+keep you up late on Friday; have arranged to take Division at midnight
+so that you may get home in good time. But you'll be there, of
+course?'"
+
+[Illustration: "It was Denman this, and Denman that."]
+
+"And were you there?" I asked.
+
+"Of course I was there, and voted in majority against Home-Rule Bill.
+Came down yesterday prepared to make most of this new and pleasant
+turn. Got up to ask KIMBERLEY question as to whether postponement of
+Home-Rule Bill would date from Friday or Saturday. Nice point, you
+know. Everything depends upon it. No one had discovered point but
+me. Expected Government and House would be grateful. What happened?
+KIMBERLEY snubbed me; House sniggered; my Woman's Suffrage Bill,
+about which Opposition Whips so anxious last week, treated with
+usual contumely. I propose to deal with Coal Strike; they move the
+Adjournment, and leave me speechless at the table. Begin to think that
+all they wanted was my vote to swell majority against Home-Rule Bill.
+A weary world, TOBY. Saddest of all for neglected statesmen in our
+gilded Chamber. Should you ever be made a peer take an old man's
+advice and do everything you can to obscure your native abilities.
+Once you excite the jealousy of men like the MARKISS, and implant in
+their bosom suspicion that if they don't look out you may supplant
+them, you are lost. Perhaps I made a mistake when I admitted
+FARMER-ATKINSON to my councils. You remember him in the other House
+as Member for Boston? We had a plan----but no matter. Still, if
+FARMER-ATKINSON had led the Commons and I the Lords, you would have
+seen something. Perhaps we were too reckless in our open colloguing in
+the Lobby. GLADSTONE smelt a rat. SALISBURY saw it moving in the air;
+the instincts of self-preservation triumphed over political animosity
+and the rivalry of a lifetime. They put their heads together; the
+coffers of the secret-service money were depleted; the illimitable
+resources of the State were in other ways drawn upon. Where is
+FARMER-ATKINSON now? I am left solitary and friendless. For a while
+the Unholy Alliance triumphs; but they will find they have not done
+with DENMAN yet."
+
+The old gentleman took off his skull-cap; carefully wrapped it up; hid
+its plumage in his tail-pocket; and pressing his hat over his brow,
+shook his grey head, and walked wearily down the corridor.
+
+_Business done._--House of Lords adjourned for a week.
+
+_Saturday_, 2.40 A.M.--"Who goes home?" I hear the cry resounding
+through the Lobby. Well, if no one minds, I think I will. Been here
+since half-past three yesterday. For the matter of that, been here
+since the 31st of January. Coming down again at noon to sit till
+SQUIRE OF MALWOOD can see his prospect clear to bringing about
+Adjournment next Saturday.
+
+_Business done._--Mostly all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Calf-Love.
+
+  Calf-love is a passion most people scorn,
+  Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn;
+  But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half,
+  And that's the love of the Golden Calf!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Chary of Charing.
+
+    ["The occupation for women exclusively is that of
+    charing."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+  Whilst year by year men kinder grow.
+    And from employments won't debar Woman,
+  It's quite astonishing to know
+    Man's everything except a charwoman.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+COMMERCIAL CON.
+
+_Q._ Why is a modern advertiser like an ancient knight-errant?
+
+_A._ Because he is inspired by the spirit of "ad"-venture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+_x_ denotes italic text.
+
+[OE] denotes an OE ligature, PH[OE]BE (PHOEBE)
+
+
+Page 135: 'hallo'd' corrected to 'hollo'd', to match the others.
+
+("They hunted and they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find")
+
+Page 142: [Footnote *:
+              "_Fungar vice cotis_, acutum
+  Reddere quæ ferrum valet, exsors ipsa secandi."
+                       HORACE. _De Arte Poetica._]
+
+Translation: "I will perform the function of a whetstone, which is
+about to restore sharpness to iron, though itself unable to cut."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+105 September 23, 1893, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON ***
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