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diff --git a/38671-8.txt b/38671-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..62d2ede --- /dev/null +++ b/38671-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1740 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 +September 23, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 September 23, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 25, 2012 [EBook #38671] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, September 23rd 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +"PAINLESS DENTISTRY." + +(_A Story for the Long Vacation._) + +[Illustration] + +Although professional engagements (not wholly unconnected with +the holding of high judicial office in the Tropics) have recently +prevented me from contributing to the paper which specially represents +Bench and Bar, I have never lost sight of the fact that when I have +a duty to perform, the pages of _Punch_ are open to me. Under these +circumstances I find myself once again writing to the familiar +address, and signing myself, as of yore, with the old name, and +the ancient head-quarters. I must confess that although I date this +communication from Pump-Handle Court, I am, as a matter of fact, +staying at Callerherring, a health resort greatly patronised by all +patients of that eminent doctor Sir PETER TWITWILLOW. + +It is unnecessary to describe a place so well known to all lovers of +the picturesque. I may hint that the far-famed view of twelve Scotch, +Irish, and Welsh counties, and the Channel and the Atlantic Ocean, +can still be enjoyed by those who ascend Mount MacHaggis, and that the +_table-d'hôte_ at the Royal Hibernian Hotel yet costs, with its seven +courses, five-and-sixpence. And now to perform my duty. + +My son, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT (he is christened after some +professional friends of mine, in the hope that at some distant date he +may be assisted by them in the characters of good fairy godfathers in +the profession to which it is hoped he may ornamentally belong), is +extremely partial to sweetstuff. He is a habitual glutton of a sticky +comestible known, I believe, in the confectionery trade as "Chicago +Honey Shells." This toothsome (I have his word for the appropriateness +of the epithet) edible he devours in large quantities, spending at +times as much as five shillings to secure an ample store of an article +of commerce generally bought in quantities estimated at the usually +convenient rate of "two ounces for three halfpence." + +It was after a long gastronomic debauch connected with Chicago Honey +Shells that I noticed that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT was suffering +from a swollen face. My son, although evidently in great pain, +declared that there was nothing the matter with him. However, as for +three successive days he took only two helpings of meat and refused +his pudding, I, in consultation with his mother, came to the +conclusion that it was necessary to seek the advice of a local medical +man. GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT raised objections to this course, but +they were overruled. + +"No, Sir, the doctor is not in. He's out for the day." + +Such was the answer to my question put twice at the doors of two +medical-looking houses with brass plates to match. On the second +occasion I expressed so much annoyance that the servant quite +sympathised with me. + +"Perhaps Master SAMMY might do, Sir?" suggested the kind-hearted +janitor. + +On finding that "Master SAMMY" was a nephew of the owner of the house +and a qualified medical man, I consented, and "Master SAMMY" was sent +for. There was some little delay in his appearance, as, although the +morning was fairly well advanced, he was not up. However, after making +a possibly hasty toilette, he soon appeared. No doubt he was much +older, but he looked about eighteen. He was very pleasant, and +listened to my history of the case. He seemed, so it appeared to me, +to recognise the Chicago Honey Shells as old acquaintances. It may +have been my fancy, but I think he smacked his lips when I suggested +that GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had probably eaten five shillings' +worth at a sitting. + +"You see," I said, "he has had a bad face ever since; and as our +dentist in town told us about a fortnight ago that sooner or later +he must have a tooth out, I think this must be the one to which he +referred. Won't you see?" + +When, after some persuasion, GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had been +induced to open his mouth, "Master SAMMY" did see. + +"Yes," observed the budding doctor, after he had looked into my +lad's mouth as if it were a sort of curiosity from India that he was +regarding for the first time, "yes, I think it ought to come out." + +And armed with this opinion I asked my medical friend if he knew any +one in Callerherring capable of performing the operation. + +"Well, yes," he replied, after some consideration; "there's a nice +little dentist round the corner. He's called Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG." + +Then "Master SAMMY" smiled, and I felt sure that he and "the nice +little dentist" must have quite recently been playing marbles +together. Next came the question of the fee. "Master SAMMY" was +disinclined to accept anything, evidently taking a low estimate of +the value of his professional services. However, he ultimately said +"Three-and-sixpence," and got the money. I would willingly have +increased it to a crown had I not feared that the moment my back was +turned "Master SAMMY" would have followed the example of GEORGE +LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and himself indulged in five shillings' worth of +Chicago Honey Shells. + +Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG lived in a rather fine-looking house, ornamented +with an aged brass plate, suggesting that he had been established for +very many years. A buttons opened the door, and, on my inquiring as to +whether Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG was at home, promptly answered "Yes." + +From the venerable appearance of the brass plate I had expected to +see a rather elderly dentist, with possibly white hair and certainly +spectacles; so I was rather taken aback when a dapper young fellow, +who seemed about the age of "Master SAMMY," entered the waiting-room. +The juvenile new-comer made himself master of the situation. He +seized upon the jaw of poor trembling GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, and +declared that "it must come out." + +"He'd better have gas," he observed. "But as I am full of engagements +this morning, you really must let me fix a time." + +Then he took out a pocket-book which I could not help noticing +contained such items as "Soda-water--3_s._," "Washing--5_s._," and +"Church collection--6_d._," and placed our name and time amidst the +other entries. + +We kept our appointment. The buttons was in a state of excitement. Mr. +LEO ARMSTRONG received us, and pointed to the gas apparatus with +an air of triumph, as if he had had some difficulty in getting it +entrusted to him in consequence of his youth. Then "Master SAMMY" made +his appearance. He was going to administer the gas. It was a pleasant +family party, and I felt quite parental. Had it not been for poor +GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT'S swollen face, I should have said to Mr. +LEO ARMSTRONG, "Master SAMMY," my boy, and the buttons, "Here, lads, +let us make a day of it. I will take you all to Madame TUSSAUD'S and +the Zoological Gardens." + +"You have had the gas, haven't you?" said "Master SAMMY," who had been +fumbling with the apparatus. "How do you put it on?" + +Poor GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, under protest, described the _modus +operandi_. Then the mouth was opened, and "Master SAMMY" applied the +gas. I am sorry to say he performed the operation rather clumsily, and +my poor lad never "went off." GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT subsequently +described every detail of the performance, and said that he had +suffered excruciating pain. Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG went to work, and, +after several struggles, got out a bit of tooth, and then another. +Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT came to himself, and the usual +comforts were supplied to him. + +"I think there's a bit of the tooth still in the gum," said Mr. +LEO ARMSTRONG; and then, after a pause, with the air of Jack Horner +pulling out a plum, he produced an immense pair of forceps from the +instrument drawer. "There." he added, triumphantly, as he exhibited +another piece of ivory, "I told you so!" + +GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT had now sufficiently recovered to complain +bitterly of the pain he had suffered. + +"Impossible," I observed; "remember this is _painless_ dentistry." + +I had not intended the remark as a witticism, but rather as a solace +to the sufferer. Still, "Master SAMMY" and Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG accepted +it as first-class waggery, and indulged in roars of laughter. Then the +former took his departure. I found that I was indebted to the latter +to the extent of 15_s._ 6_d._ I don't know how my dentist had arrived +at the sum, but he said it with such determination that I could only +offer a sovereign and receive the change. + +"I want my tooth," said GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT, who is of an +affectionate nature. "I want to give it to Mother." + +Then Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG interposed. He desired to keep the tooth (in +several pieces) himself. I understood him to say that he regarded it +as a memorial of an initial victory--his first extraction. + +"Dear me!" I exclaimed. "Why I thought you had been established at +least twenty years, Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG." + +"Well, to tell the truth," was the reply, "I am not Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG. +He's away for the day, and I am taking his place!" + +Then GEORGE LEWIS BOLTON ROLLIT and I bowed ourselves out. As I left +the premises I fancied I heard the click of marbles. No doubt "Master +SAMMY" and "Mr. LEO ARMSTRONG" had resumed the game our visit had +interrupted. I was relieved to find myself safe from a fall caused +perchance by one of their runaway hoops. + +And now to perform my duty. I need scarcely say that it is to add my +recommendation to that of Sir PETER TWITWILLOW anent Callerherring. +You should not fail to visit the place, especially if you have a son +suffering from "a raging tooth," that "must come out." + +(_Signed_) + +A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + _Pump-Handle Court, Temple, September, 1893._ + + * * * * * + +THE THREE JOVIAL HUNTSMEN. + +(_Latest Parliamentary Version._) + +[Illustration] + + It's of three jovial huntsmen, an' a hunting they did go; + An' they hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' they blew their horns also. + Look ye there! + An' one said, "Mind yo'r 'ayes,' and keep yo'r 'noes' well down th' wind, + An' then, by scent or seet, we'll leet on summat to our mind." + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the first thing they did find + Was a tatter't boggart, in a field, an' that they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said it was a scarecrow, an' another he said "Nay; + It's just the British Farmer, an' he seems in a bad way." + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find + Was a gruntin', grindin' grindlestone, an' that they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said it was a grindlestone, another he said "Nay; + It's just th' owd Labour Question, which is always in the way." + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find + Was a bull-calf in a pinfold, an' that too they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said it was a bull-calf, an' another he said "Nay; + It is just a Rural Voter who has lately learned to bray." + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find + Was a two-three children leaving school, an' these they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said that they were children, but another he said "Nay; + They're Denominational-divvels, who want freedom _plus_ State-pay." + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, and the next thing they did find + Was two street-spouters and a crowd, an' these they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said they were street-spouters, but another he said, "Nay; + They're just teetotal lunatics who on Veto want their say." + Look ye there! + + They hunted an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find + Was a dead sheep hanging by it's heels, an' that they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said it was Welsh Mutton, but another he said, "Nay; + It's the ghost of a Suspensory Bill; we'd better get away!" + Look ye there! + + They hunted, an' they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find + Was a fat pig boltin' thro' a hedge, an' _that_ they left behind. + Look ye there! + One said it was an Irish hog, but another he said "Nay; + It's our plump, pet Home-Rule porker, which the Lords have + driven away!" + Look ye there! + + So they hunted, an' they hollo'd, till the setting of the sun; + An' they'd nought to bring away at last, when th' huntin'-day + was done. + Look ye there! + Then one unto the other said, "This huntin' doesn't pay; + But we've powler 't up an' down a bit, an' had a rattlin' day." + Look ye there! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BRILLIANT SUGGESTION. + +(_Overheard at the Sea-side._) + +_She._ "SO MUCH NICER NOW THAT ALL THE VISITORS HAVE GONE. DON'T YOU +THINK SO?" + +_He._ "YES, BY JOVE! SO JOLLY NICE AND QUIET! OFTEN WONDER THAT +_EVERYBODY_ DOESN'T COME NOW, WHEN THERE'S NOBODY HERE, DON'T YOU +KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +PARSON AND PREMIER.--I see that a person who is called "the Episcopal +Vicar of Blairgowrie" said that he would decline to shake hands with +the PRIME MINISTER, in the utterly improbable event of the PRIME +MINISTER wishing to shake hands with _him_. May I inquire how there +can be a "Vicar of Blairgowrie" at all? Is not the Established Church +in Scotland the Presbyterian one? I know that they have "Lord Rectors" +up north, and so perhaps there are Rectors as well, but I never heard +of a Lord Vicar. "The Lord Vicar of Blairgowrie" would sound rather +well. But what would his Lord Bishop say? Can any genuine Scotchman +kindly assist me in unravelling this puzzle?--SOUTHRON BODY. + +OUR AUXILIARIES.--When are we likely to have a Minister of War who +will do _real justice_ to Officers of the Volunteers? I may say that +I am thinking of becoming an Officer myself, and I fancy that the +following inducements would be likely to bring in a fresh supply of +these deserving men:--(1) Exemption from Taxes. (2) Ditto from Rates, +and Serving on Juries. (3) More gold braid everywhere. (4) A Volunteer +Captain to rank equal to a Lieutenant-General, and a Major of +Volunteers equal to the Commander-in-Chief. (5) Retiring pension, and +not less than six medals or decorations, after half a year's service. +Do you think that there would be much good in my writing to Mr. +CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN and suggesting this?--MODEST MERIT. + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE IV.--_An Up-platform at Clapham Junction._ TIME--_Monday +afternoon._ + +_Curphew_ (_to himself, as he paces up and down with a pre-occupied +air_). I ought to have been up at the Hilarity rehearsing hours ago. +Considering all that depends on that play of mine--but there'll be +time enough to pull _Flattery_ together before Saturday. And this is +the only chance I have of seeing ALTHEA for days. Her mother hinted +last night that she was obliged to let her travel up to Waterloo +alone, and if I _did_ happen to be going up about this time--and +of course I _do_ happen to be. I _must_ tell ALTHEA; I can't go on +playing a part any longer. I felt such a humbug last night over that +confounded Eldorado business. But if I'd revealed myself then as +"Walter Wildfire, Comedian and Vocalist," those puritanical parents of +hers would probably have both had a fit on the floor, and have kicked +me out of the house as soon as they were sufficiently recovered! +That's the worst of becoming intimate with a serious Evangelical +family in the character of a hard-working journalist. I ought to have +undeceived them, I suppose, but it was such a blessing to sink the +shop--and besides, I'd seen ALTHEA. It would have been folly to speak +until--but she must know now, I'll have no more false pretences. After +all, there's no disgrace in being a music-hall singer. I've no reason +to be ashamed of the means by which I've got my reputation. Ah! but +she won't understand that--the name will be enough for her! And I +can't blame her if she fails to see the glory of bringing whisky +and water nightly to the eyes of an enraptured audience by singing +serio-comic sentiment under limelight through clouds of tobacco-smoke. +Heaven knows _I'm_ sick enough of it, and if _Flattery_ only makes +a hit, I'd cut the profession at once. If I could only hear her say +she--there she is--at last--and alone, thank goodness! I wish I didn't +feel so nervous--I'm not likely to get a better opportunity. (_Aloud, +as he meets_ ALTHEA.) Mrs. TOOVEY said I might--can I get your ticket, +or see after your luggage, or anything? + +_Althea._ Oh, thank you, Mr. CURPHEW, but PH[OE]BE is doing all that. + +_Curph._ (_to himself, his face falling_). That's the maid; then she's +_not_ alone! I must get this over now, or not at all. (_Aloud._) Miss +TOOVEY, I--I've something I particularly want to say to you; shall we +walk up to the other end of the platform? + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). It looks more serious than ever! Is he +going to give me good advice? It's kind of him to care, but +still----(_Aloud._) Oh, but we shan't have time. See, there's our +train coming up now. Couldn't you say it in the railway carriage? + +[_The train runs in._ + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). For PH[OE]BE'S edification! No, I +don't quite----(_Aloud, desperately._) It--it's something that +concerns--something I can't very well say before anyone else--there'll +be another train directly--would you mind waiting for it? + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). It's very mysterious. I _should_ like to +know what it can be! (_Aloud._) I--I hardly know. I think we ought, +perhaps, to--but this doesn't look a very nice train, does it? + +_Curph._ (_with conviction_). It's a _beastly_ train! One of the very +worst they run, and full of the most objectionable people. It--it's +quite noted for it. + +_Alth._ (_to_ PH[OE]BE, _who hurries up with her hand-bag_). No, never +mind; I'm not going by this train, PH[OE]BE; we'll wait for a more +comfortable one. + +_Ph[oe]be._ Very good, Miss. (_To herself, as she retires._) Well, +if that isn't downright barefaced--I don't know what it is! I hope +they'll find a train to suit 'em before long, and not stay here +picking and choosing all day, or I shan't get back in time to lay the +cloth for dinner. But it's the way with all these quiet ones! + +_Alth._ Did you want to speak to me about last night, Mr. CURPHEW? +Has my cousin CHARLES been getting into any mischief? I only came in +afterwards; but you were looking so shocked about something. Was it +because he had been to a theatre, and do _you_ think that very wicked +of him? + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). I ought to manage to lead up to it now. +(_Aloud._) It was not a theatre exactly--it was--well, it was a +music-hall. + +_Alth._ Oh! but is there any difference? + +_Curph._ Not much--between a music-hall and some theatres. At +theatres, you see, they perform a regular play, with a connected +plot--at least, some of the pieces have a connected plot. At a +music-hall the entertainment is--er--varied. Songs, conjuring-tricks, +ventriloquism, and--and that kind of thing. + +_Alth._ Why, that's just like the Penny Readings at our Athenæum! + +_Curph._ Well, I should hardly have--but I'm not in a position to say. +(_To himself._) I'm further off than ever! + +_Alth._ It couldn't be _that_, then; for Papa has presided at Penny +Readings himself. But CHARLES must have told him _something_ that +upset him, for he came down to breakfast looking perfectly haggard +this morning. CHARLES had a long talk in the library with him last +night after you left, and then Papa went to bed. + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). I felt sure that fellow spotted me. So he's +let the cat out to old TOOVEY! If I don't tell her now. (_Aloud._) Did +Mr. TOOVEY seem--er--annoyed? + +_Alth._ He looked worried, and I believe he wanted to consult _you_. + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). The deuce he did! (_Aloud._) He mentioned me? + +_Alth._ He talked of going round to see you, but Mamma insisted on his +staying quietly indoors. + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). Sensible woman, Mrs. TOOVEY! But I've no time +to lose. (_Aloud._) I think I can explain why he wished to see me. He +has discovered my--my secret. + +_Alth._ Have you a secret, Mr. CURPHEW? (_To herself._) He can't mean +_that_, and yet--oh, what _am_ I to say to him? + +_Curph._ I have. I always intended to tell him--but--but I wanted +you to know it first. And it was rather difficult to tell. I--I risk +losing everything by speaking. + +[Illustration: "He _does_ mean that!"] + +_Alth._ (_to herself_). He _does_ mean that! But I won't be proposed +to like this on a railway platform; I don't believe it's proper; and +I haven't even made up my mind! (_Aloud._) If it was difficult before, +it will be harder than ever now--just when another train is coming in, +Mr. CURPHEW. + +_Curph._ (_angrily, as the train passes_). Another--already! The +way they crowd the traffic on this line is simply dis----But it's an +express. It isn't going to stop, I assure you it isn't! + +_Alth._ It _has_ stopped. And we had better get in. + +_Ph[oe]be._ I don't know if you fancy the look of this train, Miss, +but there's an empty first-class in front. + +_Curph._ This train stops everywhere. We shall get in just as soon by +the next--sooner in fact. + +_Alth._ If you think so, Mr. CURPHEW, wait for it, but we really must +go. Come, PH[OE]BE. + +_Ph[oe]be._ I only took a second for myself, Miss, not knowing you'd +require---- + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). There's a chance still, if I can get a +carriage to ourselves. (_Aloud._) No, Miss TOOVEY, you must let me +come with you. Your mother put you under my care, you know. (_To_ +PH[OE]BE.) Here, give me Miss TOOVEY'S bag. Now, Miss TOOVEY, this +way--we must look sharp. (_He opens the door of an empty compartment, +puts_ ALTHEA _in, hands her the bag, and is about to follow when he +is seized by the arm, and turns to find himself in the grasp of_ Mr. +TOOVEY.) How do you do, Mr. TOOVEY? We--we are just off, you see. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_breathlessly_). I--I consider I am very fortunate in +catching you, Mr. CURPHEW. I accidentally learnt from my wife that you +were going up about this time--so I hurried down, on the bare chance +of---- + +_Curph._ (_impatiently_). Yes, yes, but I'm afraid I can't wait now, +Sir. I--Mrs. TOOVEY asked me to take care of your daughter---- + +_Mr. Toov._ ALTHEA will be perfectly safe. And I must have a few words +with you at once on a matter which is pressing, Sir, very pressing +indeed. ALTHEA will excuse you. + +_Alth._ (_from the window_). Of course. You mustn't think of coming, +Mr. CURPHEW. PH[OE]BE will look after me. + +_Curph._ But--but I have an important engagement in Town myself! + +_Alth._ (_unkindly_). You will get up quite as soon by the next train, +Mr. CURPHEW, or even sooner--you said so yourself, you know! (_In an +under-tone._) Stay. I'd _rather_ you did--you can tell me your--your +secret when I come back. + +_The Guard._ Vauxhall and Waterloo only, this train. Stand back there, +please! + +[_He slams the door; the train moves on, leaving_ CURPHEW _on the +platform with_ Mr. TOOVEY. + +_Curph._ (_to himself, bitterly_). What luck I have! She's gone +now--and I haven't told her, after all. And I'm left behind, to have +it out with this old pump! (_Aloud._) Well, Sir, you've something to +say to me? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_nervously_). I have--yes, certainly--only it--it's of +rather a private nature, and--and perhaps we should be freer from +interruption in the waiting-room here. + +_Curph._ (_to himself_). I wish I'd thought of that myself--earlier. +Well, he doesn't seem very formidable; it strikes me I shan't find it +difficult to manage him. (_Aloud._) The waiting-room, by all means. + +[_He follows_ Mr. TOOVEY _into the General Waiting-room, and awaits +developments_. + +END OF SCENE IV. + + * * * * * + +"DUE SOUTH!" + +[Illustration] + +NOTE.--When I am travelling due South, as I am now, _per_ L. & S. +W. R., to join my party, all I require may be summed up in the +accompanying "_Mem._," which is to this effect:-- + +_Mem._--Give me a Pullman car, my favourite beverage, a good cigar, +or an old pipe charged with well-conditioned bird's-eye, an amiable +companion possessed of sufficient ready money in small change, give +me likewise a pack of playing cards, let the gods grant me more than +average luck at écarté or spoof, and never can I regret the two hours +and forty minutes occupied by the journey from "W't'r'o" to "P'm'th." + +To start with, the line to Pinemouth is one of those "lines" that +have "fallen," in the pleasantest of "pleasant places." On a +broiling summer's day you pass through a wide expanse of landscape, +refreshingly painted in Nature's brightest water colours--plenty of +colour, plenty of water. All over the sandy plains of Aldershot, boxes +of toy soldiers, with white toy tents and the smartest little flags, +have been emptied out; and everywhere about the tiny figures may +be seen marching, lounging, digging, riding, firing, surveying, +performing evolutions to the sound of the warlike trumpet, and +generally employed in a sort of undressed rehearsal of such martial +business as is incidental to a Great Campaign Drama. Then, lest the +spirits of the travelling tourist should rise so high that he might +run the chance of "getting a bit above hisself," as horse-dealers +graphically express it, he is whirled away from the war-like scene, +and is taken through the peaceful grounds of Wokingham. Here to the +unwonted military ardour so recently aroused in the bosom of the +travelling civilian will be administered a succession of dampers in +the shape of attractively-placed and most legibly printed reminders to +the effect that "eligible plots" for burial are "still to be let," and +that the terms for intending residents in the thriving country town of +Necropolis can be obtained on application to Messrs. Somebody and Sons +at Suchandsucher Place, London; the tone of these notices suggesting, +in a generally festive spirit, that the good old maxim "first come +first served" will be strictly observed in all matters of Necropolitan +business. + +Then we come to fair Southampton Water, with its marine kind of flymen +waiting to take you to the boats, and the boats waiting to take you +from the flymen to the yachts. On we speed through the New Forest, +where those historically inclined remember WILLIAM RUFUS, and others, +with a modern political bias, think of WILLIAM HARCOURT; while the +grateful novel-devourer remembers that away in the forest resides +the authoress of _Lady Audley's Secret_, and many other plots. Here, +within ten minutes of our appointed time, is Terminus Number One, East +Pinemouth, and, finally, West Pinemouth, which, speaking for myself +individually and collectively, I prefer to East Pinemouth; at all +events, at this particular time of year. Moreover, it appears that +a rapidly increasing number are of my opinion, seeing how +house-building, and very good house-building, too, is extending +westward, and, alas and alack-a-day, threatening immediate destruction +to heather, pine, fir, and forest generally. I sing:-- + + "How happy could I be with heather + If builder were only away!" + +No sooner is a house (most of them excellently-planned houses) set up, +with garden and lovely view of sea, than down in front of him squats +another squatter, up goes another house, the situation is robbed of +the charm of privacy, and unless the owner of the first house sits +on his own roof or has a special tower built, which erection would +probably involve him in difficulties with his neighbours, his view of +the sea is reduced to a mere peep, and in course of time will, it is +probable, be altogether blocked out. However, as Boys will be Boys, so +Builders will be Builders. + +One of the chief advantages offered by Pinemouth as a place where +a summer holiday may be happily spent, is the facility afforded for +getting away from it, in every possible direction; by sea, river, +rail, and road. _À propos_ of "road," the fly-drivers, shopkeepers, +and livery-stable keepers of P'm'th, are, for the most part, like +the fly-drivers, livery-stablers, and shopkeepers at any place which +boasts a recognised season. The eccentric visitor, who chooses to come +out of the regulation time, must take his chance, and be content with +out-of-season manners to suit his out-of-season custom; still, in +the words of the immortal bard, "They're all right when you know 'em, +_but_ you've got to know 'em fust!" + +As to the hiring of flys and midgets, there is a board of rules +and regulations stuck up in the railway station and elsewhere, the +interpretation whereof may possibly be mastered by those able and +willing to devote a few days to the study of its dark sayings. + +"What's the meaning of this rule?" I inadvertently ask a ruddy-faced +policeman, on whose broad shoulders time unoccupied seems to be +weighing somewhat heavily, at the same time pointing to one of the +regulations on the board in question. + +"Well, Sir," replies the civil constable, in a carefully measured +tone, "it is this way"--and then he commences. + + * * * * * + +I breathe again; it is half an hour since I addressed that ruddy-faced +official, from whom, thank goodness, I have at last contrived to +escape. He has kept me there, giving me, as it were, a lecture on the +black board, telling me what this rule might mean if it were read one +way, and what that rule might mean if it were read another way, and +what both rules might mean if they were each of them read in totally +different ways; and how one was labelled "_a_" (which I saw for +myself), and how another was distinguished by being lettered "_b_"; +and how he (my constabulary instructor) "wasn't quite sure himself +whether his reading of 'em was quite right;" then going over all the +paragraphs again in detail, indicating each syllable with his finger, +as though he were teaching an infant spelling-class, and finally +coming to the conclusion whereat _Bottom_ the Weaver arrived when +he surmised that it was all "past the wit of man to understand," and +advising me that, on the whole, if any particular case of attempted +extortion should happen to arise, I should do well _not_ to appeal to +these rules and regulations, but to summon the extortionist before +the nearest police magistrate. "But," said he, as if struck by a new +light, "it may be that this rule '_a_'"----And here he faced round, +in order more closely to inspect the mysterious cryptogram. Taking +advantage of his eye being off me for one second, which it had never +once been during the previous thirty minutes, I stepped as lightly and +rapidly away as my thirteen stone will permit, and fled. I fancied I +heard him calling after me that he had discovered something or other; +but not even if he had shouted "Stop thief!" should I have paused in +my Mazeppa-like career. "Once aboard the lugger," I exclaim to myself, +quoting the melodramatic pirate, "and I am free!" So saying, I entered +the hospitable gates of my present tenancy, and sank exhausted on the +sofa. + +_Mem._--Never again ask a policeman to explain strange cab-rules and +regulations. + + * * * * * + +NOT A QUESTION AT ISSUE. + + ["Mr. GOSSE holds a middle station between the older and the + younger schools of criticism. He is neither a distinguished + and respectable fossil nor a wild and whirling + catherine-wheel."--_Athenæum._] + + Oh, luckiest of Critics! What + A joy unquestioning to feel + On such authority he's not + "A wild and whirling catherine-wheel." + + And is it such a wild idea + To think that clever Mr. GOSSE'll + Rejoice he's reckoned not to be a + "Respectable, distinguished fossil?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE. + +_Would-be Considerate Hostess_ (_to Son of the House_). "HOW +INATTENTIVE YOU ARE, JOHN! YOU REALLY MUST LOOK AFTER MR. BROWN. _HE'S +HELPING HIMSELF TO EVERYTHING!_" + +[_Discomfiture of Brown, who, if somewhat shy, is conscious of a very +healthy appetite._ +] + + * * * * * + +A LESSON FOR "LABOUR." + + ["The overwhelming vote of the Yorkshire, Derbyshire, and + Lancashire miners against accepting any reduction, or even + submitting the wages question to arbitration, does not + encourage any very sanguine hopes of the Nottingham + Conference."--_Westminster Gazette._] + + "_My sentence is for open war!_" Thus spake + Fierce Moloch, when within the marly lake + "The Stygian Council" in dark conference met! + "The scepter'd king's" advice prevaileth yet, + And Mammon's self, who in his pristine might + Stooped to the avowal that "all things invite + To peaceful counsels," now in stubborn mood + Urges resistance--at the cost of blood! + + Yes, Mammon, musing on "the settled state + Of order," at that dim chaotic date, + Speaks, in the mighty-voiced Miltonic way, + "Of Peace," and "how in safety best we may + Compose our present evils, with regard + Of what we are and were." Mammon's award + Is now more martial: Mammon, swoln and proud + With domination o'er the moiling crowd, + Lifts a most arrogant head, and coldly curls + An insolent lip against the clod-soul'd churls + Whose destiny and duty 'tis to slave + 'Twixt cradle comfortless and cheerless grave, + To glut his maw insatiate! + + Proud is Pelf; + But might not Legend lesson Labour's self? + "Thus sitting, thus consulting, thus in arms!" + Comes not the echo loud of wild alarms + To Labour's Conference? Violence and wreck, + Incendiary hate that sense should check, + Mad mob-intimidation, brutal wrath,-- + These are strange warders for the pleasant path + Of human progress! While they crowd and clash + In headlong stubbornness and anger rash, + Whilst factories burn, and workmen fall in blood, + And women mourn, and children moan for food, + Unnumbered multitudes the misery feel + Who share not in its making! + + Mars' red steel + Is sheathed to-day at Arbitration's nod; + Hath this no lesson for the milder god? + Vulcan, the smithy-toiler, and his crowd + Of sooty Cyclops, raging fierce and loud, + Impetuous, implacable, whilst Mars, + That savage god of sanguinary wars, + Awaits the award of Arbiters of Peace! + Strange contrast! + + "Cease, great hammer-wielder, cease!" + Says the Sword-bearer. "Cease this frenzied fray. + Try Arbitration--'tis the gentler way, + And wiser. I have tried it--shall not you? + Call back your Cyclops, let not _them_ imbrue + Swart hands in Battle's sanguinary hue. + Shall War, now partly driven from the field, + Find refuge in the factory, nor there yield + To the sage suasion of mild Equity, + At whose just Arbitration even I + Suspend or drop the sword?" + + So Mars, and so + All friends of Labour. Raise no stubborn "No!" + At Arbitration's offering, seeing that there + Lies fairest hope of an adjustment fair + 'Twixt clashing claims, which if they "fight it out" + In war's wild way may put to utter rout + Humanity's fairest hopes. Oh, time enough + When Arbitration fails to essay the rough + And ruddy road of Mars. Stay, Vulcan stay! + Or blameless hosts long-menaced by your fray + May have a stern effective word to say! + And you, as once of old, though stout and tall, + Kicked out of heaven may have a maiming fall! + + * * * * * + +SURGEON-MAJOR PARKE. + +(_Doctor to Stanley's Emin Pasha Relief Expedition. Died September 10, +aged 35._) + + "Rarest doctor in the world!" + Tribute rare from sturdy STANLEY! + Skilful, tender, modest, manly! + England's flag may well be furled + Over the young hero's bier, + Whose memory is to England dear. + Africa has cost us much. + Fortune send us many such! + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. says she understands that disaffecting (disinfecting) fluid + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LESSON FOR "LABOUR." + +MARS. "LOOK HERE, BROTHER VULCAN!--WHEN EVEN _I_ HAVE KNOCKED UNDER TO +'ARBITRATION,' SURELY _YOU_ MIGHT TRY IT?"] + + * * * * * + +TO DOCTOR FALBE. + + You're not in-_fal'be'_-le, Doctor dear-- + Excuse the painful pun, + Though you merit treatment e'en more severe + For all the ill you've done. + You held a nasty cloud of doubt + Above our sunlit sky, + And now at length we've found you out, + Our summer is near gone by. + + Yes, a summer indeed we've had this year, + In spite of your doleful croak, + Though perhaps your early prediction drear + Was simply a practical joke-- + A wearisome joke that wouldn't die, + For every man one met + Would remind one of FALBE and his prophecy-- + "We're soon to have lots of wet." + + But what of the tradesmen who laid in store + Of "brollies" and mackintosh + On the strength of your hint as to rain galore + And unlimited Autumn slosh? + Oh, FALBE, if _they_ but got hold of you, + What a tune they _would_ perform! + There's one prediction we'd warrant true-- + You'd find it extremely warm! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WELL, REALLY, MY DEAR!" + +_Mrs. R._ "CHRISTOPHER DARLING, I NEVER _CAN_ REMEMBER WHETHER +'SODA-WATER' IS WRITTEN AS ONE WORD OR TWO JOINED TOGETHER BY A +SYPHON?!"] + + * * * * * + +THE THREE TARTARS. + +(_By One of the "Thirty-six Tyrants" of the Liberal Party._) + + HANBURY, BOWLES, and BARTLEY, + Talk and wrangle tartly; + Sour as unripe cranberry + Are BARTLET, BOWLES, and HANBURY; + Three most sorrel souls + Are HANBURY, BARTLEY, BOWLES! + They the blame would fix + On the Liberal Thirty-six. + As "tyrants," what are we + Compared with that "Tartar Three," + Who--but I'll be mum:-- + "I hear the Tartar drum!" + Loudly thumped, and smartly, + By HANBURY, BOWLES, and BARTLEY! + + * * * * * + +Cherchez l'Homme. + + ["The appearance of a Ladies' Eight on the Thames in the + Cookham district has attracted considerable attention.... Mr. + R. C. LEHMANN has handled the rudder-lines on more than + one occasion, and General HAMMERSLEY has also been out as + coxswain."--_Daily News._] + + The Ladies' Eight at Cookham rows right well, + There's many a crew of men would not get near them; + But is it not a saddening truth to tell? + The ladies often take a man to steer them! + + * * * * * + +GOLDEN MEMORIES. + +(_By a (not) Dumb Waiter._) + + Summers come and Summers go, Sir, + As appints the course of Nater: + In the winter I'm a grocer, + In the Summer I'm a waiter. + I'm a waiter at the sea-side; + There's the "Grand Hotel" up yonder-- + Never hancient Rome or Greece eyed + Poet of the Summer fonder. + + Though I'm quite self-heddycated, + Yet I love the Summer golden; + Every gent on whom I've waited + Feels 'isself to me beholden; + As appropriate verse I quote, Sir, + I can watch 'em growing gladder: + They're aweer 'ow much I dote, Sir, + On the golden light and shadder. + + "_Tipped with gold_" the clouds and copses, + "_Tipped with gold_" yon arf-awake ox, + "_Tipped with gold_" the sheep and wapses, + "_Tipped with gold_" the 'arvest 'aycocks; + "_Tipped with gold_" the cows as browses, + Ditto waves and fish and sea-things, + Ditto shops and dwellin'-'ouses, + Ditto our hotel and tea-things. + + "_Tipped with gold._" It's langwidge splendid, + Summing hup the Summer brightly-- + Good for Nater, good for men, did + Gentlemen but read it rightly. + "_TIPPED with gold_" still what I quote is: + 'Umble folk should not be proud, Sir,-- + Which I 'opes you've marked our notice-- + "No gratuities allowed," Sir! + + * * * * * + +LINES ON (AND OFF) AN ITALIAN MULE. + +[Illustration] + + O dubious hybrid, what your patronymic + Or pedigree may be, does not much matter; + But if my own attire you mean to mimic, + And flaunt the fact that you, too, have a hatter-- + Well then, in self-defence I'll pick with you + A bone or two. + + Perchance you have a motive, deep, ulterior, + In donning head-gear borrowed from banditti? + You wish to show an intellect superior, + (And hide a profile which is not too pretty?) + Or is it, simply, you prefer to go + _Incognito_? + + A transmigrated BALAAM'S self you _may_ be, + But still I bar your method of progression; + For while I sit, as helpless as a baby, + And scale each precipice in steep succession, + You scorn the mule-track, and pursue the edge + Of ev'ry ledge. + + How can I scan with rapt enthusiasm + These Alpine heights, when balanced _à la_ BLONDIN, + While you survey with bird's-eye view each chasm? + I cry _Eyupp! Avanti!_--_you_ respond in + Attempts straightway to improvise a + "chute" For me, you brute! + + _Basta! per Bacco!_ I'll no longer straddle + (With cramp in each adductor and extensor) + This seat of torture that they call a saddle! + _Va via!_ in plain English, get thee hence, or---- + On second thoughts, to leave unsaid the rest, + I think, were best! + + * * * * * + +TO MAUDE. + +(_In and Out of Church._) + + A little saint! At church I see you pray, + As if a worldly thought would make you faint, + Serenely walking on your heavenly way, + A little saint. + + And yet--although I would make no complaint.-- + You quickly doff the grave to don the gay. + Your cheeks aren't wholly innocent of paint, + You flirt outrageously the livelong day. + Colloquially, dear MAUDE, in fact you ain't + I'm thoroughly rejoiced to say + A little saint. + + * * * * * + +LOVE AND LAW. + +(_A Fragment from a Modern Romance._) + + ["It would be distinctly an advantage to girls to serve as + clerks in a lawyer's office before they launched forth on the + world."--_Weekly Paper._ + +EDWIN was sad indeed, for all had gone against him. He had lost +everything. Even the furniture in the house he occupied was scarcely +his--for all he knew, at any moment it might be seized in execution. + +"What shall I do?" he asked again, wringing his hands and tearing his +hair. + +"Cheer up," was the reply, spoken in a soft voice and by a sweet-faced +girl. It was ANGELINA. + +"And you have come to me in my distress--after I have treated you so +badly?" he said, with a flush of shame colouring his hitherto pale +face. + +"No, darling," returned the golden-haired maiden, looking into his +brown eyes with optics of an azure hue. "Do not say that you have +behaved badly to me. You wrong yourself; you do, indeed." + +"Have I not deserted you?" he asked in a tone of bitter sorrow. + +"But only after you had written me letters upon which I could base an +action for breach of promise," murmured the forgiving girl. + +"But do you propose to proceed upon them?" he asked earnestly. + +"Yes, my own. To quote that touching song you so frequently sang to +me in the gilded days of the golden past, 'it will be the best for you +and best for me.' I shall certainly ask for substantial damages." + +"And is there no way to avoid this crushing, this final disaster?" +asked the young man, in deep distress. + +"Dearest, you know that I have studied the law. Well, I would propose +that you should carry out your contract. I have here the form which +requires but the registrar's signature to make us man and wife. What +do you say to the matter being settled to-morrow?" + +"If it must be so, it must," returned EDWIN, in a tone of resignation. +"And now, as we are to be married to-morrow, let us dine together. I +have an invitation from my aunt at Putney to stay with her until my +goods have been seized and sold. I am off. She will extend to you her +hospitality." + +"Oh, my betrothed, I cannot come." she sobbed. "I am kept here by +duty." + +"Well, as you will," he replied, carelessly. "But I suppose we meet at +noon at the registrar's to-morrow?" + +"Yes, for by that time all will be over. The goods will be removed, +and I shall be free--free to become your wife." + +"But what have you got to do with my property?" + +Then came the sorrowful admission. + +"Oh, EDWIN, my own. You know I am in a lawyer's office. For the moment +I am their guardian. Yes, darling, I am the woman in possession!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC ECONOMY. + +_Cook_ (_to Vicar's Wife_). "AND WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THE SOLE THAT +WAS SAVED YESTERDAY, MA'AM?"] + + * * * * * + +BALLADE OF LOST REPARTEES. + + When mirthful humours reign supreme, + And heated revellers are prone + To make sound wisdom kick the beam, + While vain wine-bubble wit alone + Has weight, we, mostly, can depone + To feeling joy to blankness fade + On finding, now our chance has flown, + The repartee we might have made. + + One prating fool is apt to deem + No jesting pretty save his own; + Another strives, whate'er the theme, + To make all comers, passive grown, + "Perform the office of a hone"[*] + For sharpening his witty blade;-- + Too late below our breath we moan + The repartee we might have made. + + Of course, it now contrives to seem + So patent to the dullest drone; + And, if we wake or if we dream, + It weighs upon us like a stone, + But, unlike, cannot now be thrown; + And thus we languish in the shade, + Because the world has never known + The repartee we might have made. + +_Envoi._ + + My friends, a certain sage has shown + What paving-stones below are laid; + Now learn that on each blast is blown + The repartee we might have made! + +[Footnote *: + + "_Fungar vice cotis_, acutum + Reddere quæ ferrum valet, exsors ipsa secandi." + HORACE. _De Arte Poetica._] + + * * * * * + +THE BURDEN OF BURDON SANDERSON. + + ["Every organism must have sprung from a unicellular + ancestor."--_Dr. Burdon Sanderson's Presidential Address to + the British Association._ + + That life is a sell we most of us know, + But Doctor BURDON SANDERSON tells + It began in a cell oh! æons ago! + And Progress is merely the growth of cells. + And is _that_ what you were fashioned for + Our "unicellular ancestor"? + + "The specific energy of cells" + Is a taking phrase, but what does it mean? + Is it merely the Life that in most things dwells, + Or must we go reading the lines between, + To find what you really were fashioned for, + Our "unicellular ancestor"? + + Words, words, words! What matter if + They're scientific and pseudo-oracular. + Or, scouting a terminology stiff, + Couched in sciolist's plain vernacular! + _Do_ they tell us what you were fashioned for, + Our "unicellular ancestor"? + + BURDON'S burden, like VILLON'S of old + Leaves us a prey to doubt and fear. + Your meaning and purpose when _shall_ we be told + Oh cells--or snows--of yester-year? + Or what you truly were fashioned for + Our "unicellular ancestor"? + + * * * * * + +THE MODERN "TENDER" PASSION.--Bimetallism. + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, September 11._--ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS walking +about the Lobby with a new foot-rule obtrusively held in his hand. +Thought at first he was going to probe somebody, after the fashion of +SWIFT MACNEILL, in rare access of ferocity. + +"No," he said, when I asked him if that was his business; "we are +presently going to debate question of appointment of Duke of CONNAUGHT +to command at Aldershot. I want to know precisely how far out of +the line of fighting the Duke was at Tel-el-Kebir. You know +CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN'S suave manner. When I put question to him, he'll +say, 'How can I tell the Hon. Member, not having a foot rule in +my pocket.' As soon as he says that, I whip this out; he will sit +confounded, and either we shall get at the truth of a matter with +which country is deeply concerned, or CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN must go. +I have no personal interest in such a contingency. If there were a +vacancy at the War Office, it is, of course, quite possible that Mr. +G. might think of me. I fancy in Committee on the Army Estimates I +have shown I know a thing or two. But that is neither here nor there. +It will be time to decide on the offer when it is made, if indeed +prejudices, from which even Liberal Ministry are not free, do not +stand in the way. At present I want to know, within a foot or two--no +one can say I'm unreasonable--how far off the fighting the Duke +of CONNAUGHT stood, and CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN will have to answer the +question." + +[Illustration: A HOUSE OF APOLLO-TICIANS--AS SEEN BY THEMSELVES.] + +Turned out that ALPHEUS did not find opportunity of bringing in the +foot measure. DALZIEL raised question Appointment of Royal Duke to +command at Aldershot; a ticklish subject for young Member to take up. +DALZIEL'S manner excellent; gave tone to debate, happily preserved +throughout; several times ALPHEUS CLEOPHAS brought out foot-rule and +shook it at CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN. War Minister, naturally well up +in strategy, had observed precaution of placing on his flank his +Financial Secretary, WOODALL, V.C. If there was any probing to be +done that veteran would receive first onslaught. Thus assured, +CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN made admirable defence of a position held in +advance to be shaky. Came out of Division Lobby with flying colours +and majority of 117. + +[Illustration: Alpheus Cleophas's Foot-Rule.] + +_Business done._--Army Votes in Committee of Supply. + +_House of Lords, Tuesday._--Lords met to-day--at least Lord DENMAN +and the Bishop of ELY did. They, facing each other from either side of +otherwise empty chamber, heard Royal assent given to number of bills, +and House adjourned for seven days. Don't know what we should have +done this week in Lords but for DENMAN. Everyone else gone out of +town. He still treads the burning deck, his plum-hued skull-cap giving +touch of chastened colour to passages leading to and from the House. +Severe taste might object that it is a little painful in conjunction +with the brilliant red of the leather-covered benches. But whoever +responsible for selection of that decoration should have thought +of DENMAN'S skull-cap. He was here yesterday; did quite a lot of +business; moved Second Reading of his Woman's Suffrage Bill. + +"My Lords," he said, rising from the seat which the burly figure of +the MARKISS usually fills, "I think there is an opportunity of making +substantial progress with this important measure. If your Lordships +will be so good as to suspend the Standing Orders, as has just been +done in case of Naval Defence Amendment Bill, we could carry the +measure through all the stages before your Lordships rise." + +For all answer KENSINGTON, on Woolsack in absence of LORD CHANCELLOR +pacing the battlements of his lordly castle at Deal, put the question +that the Bill be read a second time; declared in same breath +"the Not-Contents have it;" and so DENMAN and his little Bill +contemptuously swept aside. + +"I thought better of them, TOBY," he said, when I met him an hour +later still hovering round the closed doors of the House. Over his arm +was his rusty old coat; in one hand a stick; in the other a hat that +had seen silkier days. There was a tear in his eye, and a tremor in +his still musical voice. "It seemed as if a better day had dawned; +and that the House of Lords was about at last to recognise in me the +worthy son of a father once their pride. Last week the change suddenly +came. It was DENMAN this and DENMAN that, and 'we must see what we +can do about your Suffrage Bill.' The MARKISS going to his seat on +Wednesday gave me a friendly nod and smile. Usually he never sees me +except when I get on my legs, when he forthwith moves the Adjournment +of House. As for the Whips, I fancied they must have been looking up +my speeches in _Hansard_, and learned what they had lost by not being +in their place to hear them. 'I trust your lordship is well, and do +not find the electric light too glaring?' 'You must take a place by +the table so that you can hear SALISBURY and ROSEBERY.' 'We shan't +keep you up late on Friday; have arranged to take Division at midnight +so that you may get home in good time. But you'll be there, of +course?'" + +[Illustration: "It was Denman this, and Denman that."] + +"And were you there?" I asked. + +"Of course I was there, and voted in majority against Home-Rule Bill. +Came down yesterday prepared to make most of this new and pleasant +turn. Got up to ask KIMBERLEY question as to whether postponement of +Home-Rule Bill would date from Friday or Saturday. Nice point, you +know. Everything depends upon it. No one had discovered point but +me. Expected Government and House would be grateful. What happened? +KIMBERLEY snubbed me; House sniggered; my Woman's Suffrage Bill, +about which Opposition Whips so anxious last week, treated with +usual contumely. I propose to deal with Coal Strike; they move the +Adjournment, and leave me speechless at the table. Begin to think that +all they wanted was my vote to swell majority against Home-Rule Bill. +A weary world, TOBY. Saddest of all for neglected statesmen in our +gilded Chamber. Should you ever be made a peer take an old man's +advice and do everything you can to obscure your native abilities. +Once you excite the jealousy of men like the MARKISS, and implant in +their bosom suspicion that if they don't look out you may supplant +them, you are lost. Perhaps I made a mistake when I admitted +FARMER-ATKINSON to my councils. You remember him in the other House +as Member for Boston? We had a plan----but no matter. Still, if +FARMER-ATKINSON had led the Commons and I the Lords, you would have +seen something. Perhaps we were too reckless in our open colloguing in +the Lobby. GLADSTONE smelt a rat. SALISBURY saw it moving in the air; +the instincts of self-preservation triumphed over political animosity +and the rivalry of a lifetime. They put their heads together; the +coffers of the secret-service money were depleted; the illimitable +resources of the State were in other ways drawn upon. Where is +FARMER-ATKINSON now? I am left solitary and friendless. For a while +the Unholy Alliance triumphs; but they will find they have not done +with DENMAN yet." + +The old gentleman took off his skull-cap; carefully wrapped it up; hid +its plumage in his tail-pocket; and pressing his hat over his brow, +shook his grey head, and walked wearily down the corridor. + +_Business done._--House of Lords adjourned for a week. + +_Saturday_, 2.40 A.M.--"Who goes home?" I hear the cry resounding +through the Lobby. Well, if no one minds, I think I will. Been here +since half-past three yesterday. For the matter of that, been here +since the 31st of January. Coming down again at noon to sit till +SQUIRE OF MALWOOD can see his prospect clear to bringing about +Adjournment next Saturday. + +_Business done._--Mostly all. + + * * * * * + +Calf-Love. + + Calf-love is a passion most people scorn, + Who've loved, and outlived, life and love's young morn; + But there _is_ a calf-love too common by half, + And that's the love of the Golden Calf! + + * * * * * + +Chary of Charing. + + ["The occupation for women exclusively is that of + charing."--_Daily Paper._] + + Whilst year by year men kinder grow. + And from employments won't debar Woman, + It's quite astonishing to know + Man's everything except a charwoman. + + * * * * * + +COMMERCIAL CON. + +_Q._ Why is a modern advertiser like an ancient knight-errant? + +_A._ Because he is inspired by the spirit of "ad"-venture. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +_x_ denotes italic text. + +[OE] denotes an OE ligature, PH[OE]BE (PHOEBE) + + +Page 135: 'hallo'd' corrected to 'hollo'd', to match the others. + +("They hunted and they hollo'd, an' the next thing they did find") + +Page 142: [Footnote *: + "_Fungar vice cotis_, acutum + Reddere quæ ferrum valet, exsors ipsa secandi." + HORACE. _De Arte Poetica._] + +Translation: "I will perform the function of a whetstone, which is +about to restore sharpness to iron, though itself unable to cut." + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 September 23, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON *** + +***** This file should be named 38671-8.txt or 38671-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/8/6/7/38671/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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