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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40626 ***
+
+ PUNCH,
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+ VOL. 93.
+
+ DECEMBER 24, 1887
+
+
+ THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+ FROM OLD MORALITY.
+
+ "_Here comes a young fellow of excellent pith,
+ Fate tried to conceal him by naming him_ SMITH."
+
+ _Henley, Saturday._
+
+ DEAR TOBY, AHOY!
+
+Where are _you_ bound? Haul on the bowline; brace up amidships; sling
+your hammock; belay all hands and stand by ready to pounce.
+
+Excuse this little outburst. The fact is, I am about to cut for awhile
+landlubber associations, and am going cruising in my _Pandora's_ box, or
+rather berth. My sea lingo is getting a little rusty, so I practise it
+wherever I have an opportunity, and thought you wouldn't mind my making
+one with you. I am going off to spend Christmas and New Year's time at
+Pau. You've heard of Pau, of course? I was first attracted to the place
+by coming across the beautiful line from GOLDSMITH--or was it BACON?
+
+ "Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau."
+
+I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and
+have no sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau,
+don't you know. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy
+time of it during the Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about
+being "on the pounce." It is all very well, but the attitude is one
+which, preserved through successive nights, becomes exhausting. I have
+had enough of it, and feel a strong desire to wander. The Pau is
+wandering. Why should we not wander together, arm in arm as it were?
+Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-scuppers; haul
+round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helm hard down on
+the South-West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enough on the
+Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau.
+
+I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to
+have it pretty stiff next Session. B-LF-R, who is getting more cocky
+than ever, goes about comforting us with assurances that he will make
+matters smooth. "Is there anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to
+me only yesterday, with an annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone
+of the Irish Members you would like put out of the way for the earliest
+and freshest months of the Session? If so, name your man, and I'll
+oblige you. I have got six of 'em lagged now, and there's a clear six
+weeks before Parliament meets. It's amazing how we can smooth the way by
+then."
+
+I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-LF-R for making
+smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour
+about that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and
+that the Markiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in
+private conversation with me, though he has not made any attempt to
+disguise his conviction that he could take charge of the Army, the Navy,
+the Home Office, the Board of Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now I come
+to think of it, he may, in talking to G-SCH-N, leave out reference to
+the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadership of the House of Commons,
+and so with the others. I should certainly like to see him in my place
+for a week, with GR-ND-LPH on the corner of the bench behind. It is true
+that of late GR-ND-LPH has considerably flattened down. Having found
+that impudence and caprice don't pay, he is going in for dulness and
+respectability. But I fancy the sight of ARTH-R B-LF-R leading the
+House, and trying to lead him, would be too much. The swept and
+garnished place would be reoccupied, and his last state would be worse
+than his first. B-LF-R can't very well send him to a plank bed, and will
+have to make the best of him.
+
+I rather fancy GR-ND-LPH must know, or think he knows, something about
+this little plot for promoting the nephew, which accounts for his latest
+impertinence. "And what title do you mean to take when you go to the
+House of Lords, H. W.?" he asked me the other day. (He always calls me
+"H. W." which he thinks is an improvement upon DIZZY'S hesitation as to
+the sequence of the initials.) "How would Baron BOOKSTALL suit?" he
+added, trying to look harmless. That only shows the inherent vulgarity
+which underlies the thin veneer of his sometime courtly manner. I never
+forget what the Markiss once said about him. "Scratch R-ND-LPH
+CH-RCH-LL," said he, "and you'll find TIM H-LY," which I thought at the
+time was a little hard on T-M.
+
+You will not, I trust, dear TOBY, take it for granted that I am
+contemplating a near removal to the House of Lords, if I confess that I
+_have_ sometimes thought over the title I should assume if my duty to my
+country led me to change my state. I belong, as you know, to one of the
+oldest families among mankind. It's all very well for BR-SS-Y to talk
+about coming over with the Conqueror. We came in with the Flood, or
+shortly after. TUBAL CAIN, the founder of our family, was a century or
+two before BOIS DE GUILBERT, FRONT-DE-BOEF, or even the SIEUR DE
+BRESCI. What do you think of Lord TUBAL-CAIN? Would you recognise in
+that stately and ermined peer, TUBAL-CAIN, of Henley, your old friend of
+217, Strand? I wis not. But that, as GL-DST-NE says, belongs to the dim
+and distant future. I beg to move that the question be now put. Oars!
+Steady, there! Pull away!
+
+  Yours, sheer off,
+  W. H. SM-TH.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROSES IN DECEMBER.
+
+SIR,--Strange as it may appear to you, Sir, as a London playgoer, I had
+never seen _The Two Roses_ till last night. How this "celebrated comedy"
+ever acquired its celebrity is, I confess, beyond me, for the plot is
+poor, and in the dialogue there is nothing quotable, though the phrase,
+"a little cheque," forces itself on one's memory by frequent iteration.
+You, Sir, saw it with its original cast, and I take it that a play of
+this sort requires certain surroundings to insure its immediate success,
+just as a rich joke, when deprived of its original accidental
+accessories, is found to be a very poor joke, or no joke at all. This
+play by Mr. ALBERY I should have thought would have been, as Dr. SAMUEL
+JOHNSON might have said, Al-bery'd and forgotten long ago. Yet it
+lives,--at all events, it has been revived.
+
+A Manager does not revive a piece which was not originally produced at
+his theatre without some pretty good reason for so doing. He must, at
+least, be fairly confident of its attractive powers as, at all events, a
+remunerative stop-gap; and I am informed that this piece has been
+revived, once before, by Mr. HENRY IRVING at the Lyceum. This is ancient
+history to you, Sir. After the revival, and the unwonted exercise of a
+long run (did it have a long run?), I should have supposed that there
+could not have been much life left in it. Yet apparently there is. The
+acting is, on the whole, good, and some of it very good. WILLIAM FARREN,
+one of the best of English players, makes all that is to be made (as it
+seems to me, who did not see Mr. IRVING) out of _Digby Grand_, Mr.
+GIDDENS is an excellent blind _Caleb_ (a very clever actor must be Mr.
+GIDDENS), and Mr. DAVID JAMES simply is "Our Mr. JENKINS." MAUDE MILLETT
+is pretty and graceful, and the whole entertainment entertaining. But
+still, how it ever became a celebrated comedy--
+
+ "Well, that I cannot tell," said he,
+ "But _t'was_ a famous Comedy."
+
+And by crammed houses it is, I hear, being fully appreciated. Indeed, I
+should only say, judging by this Criterion on the night I was present,
+it is in for another long run. Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHAKSPEARE UP AGAIN.--A Baconian writes to ask if there isn't sufficient
+proof of SHAKSPEARE'S affinity to BACON in Ham let alone?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WORTH CULTIVATING.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Ex-Premier sings_:--
+
+ My name's WILLIAM GLADSTONE, I live at fair Harwarden,
+   I'm Welshman at heart; this gold-find in North Wales
+ At the Gwynfynydd Mine I do trust will bring fortune
+   To all who are born 'midst these mountains and vales.
+ Yes, indeed, and all places, though foreign and beautiful,
+   This brave little country I prize far above;
+ For indeed in my heart I do love the Principality,
+   And you, JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love.
+
+ For fifty long years I've ploughed Politics' ocean,
+   And served my full time in the gallant State-ship;
+ And indeed, goodness knows, I've braved many engagements,
+   And many dark storms 'twixt the cup and the lip,
+ I've tried all the parties now, Tory, Whig, Radical,
+   Smiled on each in its turn, as to win me each strove;
+ But I said in my heart, little Wales I love chiefly,
+   And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love!
+
+ I agree with PARNELL, and the Lord Mayor of Dublin,
+   In loving fair Erin, of Islands the Queen;
+ And having worn Blue, Buff, and Red in succession,
+   I can't see much harm in now wearing the Green.
+ But not e'en Hibernia, the sweet and the sorrowful,
+   Like you, my dear charmer, my passion can move;
+ For, indeed, in my heart I love "gallant little Wales," I do;
+   And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love!
+
+ I parted long since from the home of my fathers,
+   And then JENNY JONES was a dowerless lass;
+ But now I'm a grey and storm-beaten old mariner,
+   To wealth, she, through brave PRITCHARD-MORGAN, shall pass.
+ May Gold--and Home Rule--bring you wealth and contentment,
+   And ne'er from my Party, my dear, may you rove:
+ For indeed in our hearts we all love Wales tremendously,
+   And you, JENNY JONES, dear, till death will I love!
+
+ [_Left philandering._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHERE ARE THE POLICE?!"
+
+MRS. HOWTHDOWN AND HER DAUGHTERS, WHO ARE IN TOWN FOR THE CATTLE-SHOW,
+ARE DISGUSTED BY THE AGGRESSIVE VULGARITY OF THE LONDON STREET-BOY, AND
+THINK IT OUGHT TO BE "PUT A STOP TO"!
+
+_Juvenile Baked Potato Vendor (to Crossing-Sweeper)._ "'SAY, BILL, 'ERE
+Y'ARE! THEM'LL BE FUST AND SECOND PRIZE, AND 'IGHLY COMMENDED!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A VISIT TO "THE LICENSED VISTLERS."
+
+In the Winter Exhibition of the Royal Society of British Artists, who,
+under their distinguished President, JAMES MCNEILE WHISTLER, may now be
+known as the "Licensed Vistlers," there is some good work, and
+especially two sketches, 77, 83, and 335, by JAMES HAYLLAR, R.B.A.; 319,
+by H. G. GLINDON, R.B.A.; SIMMONS'S "_Sunrise_," 330; SOLOMON'S; 454,
+Professor GARTZ (pretty subject); 458, by HENLEY, R.B.A.; 466, by
+WALTERS, R.B.A.
+
+There is a remarkable picture of, apparently, A Serious Masher, which
+turns out to be a portrait of Mr. WILLARD, the actor who so cleverly
+impersonates modern stage villains as to be known as "Willinous
+WILLARD," by SIDNEY STARR, R.B.A. Artistic STARR painting Theatrical
+Star; quite right. No. 293 is a sorry sight--the picture of a nice
+portly young man trying to look like Lord ROSEBERY, but with the dye
+coming off his hair in evident patches. Very clever effect this, by
+THEODORE ROUSSEL, R.B.A.
+
+Go and see No. 341, by WILLIAM STOTT, of Oldham, R.B.A.,--a name that
+sounds quite Shakspearian, like "Goodman Puff of Barson,"--and give
+yourself three guesses at what W. S. of Oldham means by it. It
+represents a very carotty-haired young woman, looking pale as a
+turnip--"white flesh," as the gardeners say--taking a bathe in the sea
+when no one is looking, and where police regulations are not in force.
+She is so tallowy in face and flesh colour, and her hair so flaming red,
+that the title might be, "_A 'Dip' in the Sea_." Well, this is WILLIAM
+STOTT of Oldham's "_Venus_;" and if you'll turn to No. 183, you will see
+the same young person, looking none the better for her bath, clothed,
+with carrots dressed, and neatly bound up, sitting pensively
+_chez-elle_, probably regretting her recent escapade, and hoping that no
+one has seen her. Little does she know that WILLIAM STOTT of Oldham has
+stotted her down in his note-book. 326, "_Hard Hit_," by R. J. GORDON,
+R.B.A., is clever; but the meaning of its title, as illustrated by a
+weeping woman flinging herself across the knees of a drunken-looking
+man, is not quite clear. Has he hit her hard, and is that why she is so
+distressed? or has his head received a nasty thwack, as indicated by the
+white hat, lying on the table, twisted out of all shape?
+
+At the end of the Catalogue is printed a list of the prices, from which
+it will be seen what value the artists themselves set on their own
+pictures. The President of the Licensed Vistlers exhibits only twenty
+pictures, sixteen of which have no price affixed to them in the list,
+and are therefore evidently gems, and priceless.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Founded on Fact.
+
+A large lot of ornithologists assembled the other day at Mr. J. C.
+STEVENS'S Auction Rooms to attend the sale of an egg of the Great Auk--a
+seafowl, 'ARRY, not a falcon. Great Auks' eggs are precious. This one
+was knocked down to an enthusiastic gentleman for 160 guineas. Some
+years ago two eggs of a Great Auk, sold, of course, by auktion, fetched,
+respectively, 100 and 200 guineas, although both broken, and that before
+they were knocked down. Surely the Great Auk must have been the original
+bird signified in tradition under the name of the legendary goose that
+laid the golden eggs.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Premier of the French Cabinet may be well described as "_Nulli
+Secundus_." He is second to nobody, for the President is Nobody--to
+speak of.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FURNISHING FICTIONISTS.
+
+In the _Atalanta Magazine_, for this month, (which by its title, should
+be ahead of all competitors until the _homme à la pomme_ appears) Mr.
+WALTER BESANT has an article "On the writing of Novels," in which he
+offers his advice to young girls afflicted with irrepressible
+scribblemania,--_i.e._ "girls who try to write stories, and burn to
+write novels,"--as to the best and easiest means of attaining their
+object. _Advice gratis_ is, as we all know, of the gratis't value, and
+Mr. BESANT offers his two penn'orth-of-"all-sorts and conditions," to
+embryonic authoresses, but had _Mr. Punch_ been dealing with these dear
+little literary aspirants, he would have simply repeated his world-famed
+epigrammatic advice to "persons about to marry," and said, most
+unequivocally, to girls about to write novels--"Don't." Not so Mr.
+BESANT, who proceeds to lay down rules for those "who wish to acquire
+the art of fiction." He commences with, "_Practise writing, something
+original everyday_,"--"_Cultivate the habit of observation_," and so on,
+in good old-fashioned copy-book style.
+
+We will assist him with some rules for those to whom Mr. W. BESANT gives
+this advice: "Be bold: never mind ridicule," ... "State fairly, what
+ordinary people never understand, that Fiction, like Painting, is an
+Art, and that you are setting yourself to the acquisition of that Art,
+if it be in your power, whatever may come of it in the end."
+
+Very good. Now here is, as the Cookery books have it, "Another and a
+shorter way."
+
+_To acquire the Art of Fiction._--Clearly understand that Fiction is the
+opposite of Fact. If you invariably state facts, you become a
+matter-of-fact sort of person. No Genius is a matter-of-fact sort of
+person. So to "acquire the Art of Fiction," _you must never tell the
+truth. Practice telling some original lie every day._ If it be a
+description of scenery--well, this offers a large field--several large
+fields. Give an account to your relatives, or to your friends at a
+distance of the walk you have taken in the morning. First of all, of
+course, to be quite perfect, _you must not have been out of the house_.
+You will then proceed to describe the roaring Waterfalls over which you
+leaped, your hairbreadth escapes, &c., &c., and always remember that, as
+Mr. BESANT says, "description is not slavish enumeration."
+
+RULE I.--_Tell a lie._ RULE II.--_Don't stick to it, but tell another,
+and a bigger one._ Pile 'em up, and thus at last you may become an
+unrivalled Fictionist.
+
+RULE III.--"_Work regularly, at certain hours._" Ascertain the time the
+Lark rises, and be up with it. Always be up to time, and to any amount
+of Larks. Let everybody in the house know you're at work. Sing as the
+Lark does, and be joyous. Insist on your room being fitted up for
+work,--at your parents' expense, of course,--with writing-desk, silver
+inkstand, paper, pens, a library of books, &c., and you must let it be
+distinctly understood by everyone that you are "not to be disturbed on
+any account," as you are going in for being a Fictionist.
+
+RULE IV.--"Read no Rubbish," says Mr. BESANT. But this is what every
+author would say, making certain exceptions. But we should say, "_Read
+Everything_." _Then begin to write._ Here is an example: say you read
+_Pickwick_. Well, you _write_ a book called _Nikpik_, a Russian story,
+plot in St. Petersburg, characters, _Nikpik_, _Kinkel_, _Grazsnod_, and
+_Putmann_. You represent a sporting scene where _Putmann_, with his eyes
+shut, kills a bird, and afterwards _Kinkel_ wounds _Putmann_. "Hullo,"
+says the reader, "uncommonly like _Pickwick_, and writes impetuously and
+indignantly to papers. Whereupon, you write in reply, saying "it may be
+so: _les grands esprits se rencontrent_: but that you have never heard
+of _Pickwick_, much less read it." By this time everyone will allow that
+you are entitled to be regarded as the greatest Fictionist of the age.
+
+Other rules Mr. BESANT gives, for which anyone sufficiently interested
+in detecting the errors of his advice _gratis_, may search the _Atalanta
+Magazine_ with considerable profit to himself (or herself) especially if
+he reads _A Christmas Carol_, by CHRISTINA G. ROSSETTI, and one tail of
+_Three Lions_, by that undefeated Fictionist, Mr. RIDER HAGGARD.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_Palindromes_, by G. R. CLARKE, is a series of cruelly ingenious verbal
+cranks--"cranks" seems to be the word, since they are neither quips,
+quirks, puns, nor jests, consisting of sentences so arranged that, read
+backwards or forwards, they are precisely the same. An example of this
+is, "_Was it a rat I saw?_" The illustrations are comically amateurish,
+and amateurishly comic, but one of the best, "_Selim smiles_," is rather
+in the early Thackerayan style of pictorial art. The palindromical
+amusement will probably develop itself, as the acrostic family has done,
+and we shall soon be reading in "Answers to Correspondents" that their
+puzzle is referred to in "The Palindromical Editor." The little book is
+published, as any experienced joker in Scotland might have guessed, by
+Messrs. BRYCE AND SONS, Glasgow, and if you buy it, "Bang goes a
+shilling."
+
+Approbation from _Mr. Punch_ is praise indeed, and where he has given
+his favourable opinion of any book, it immediately attracts the public
+attention, and goes to any number of editions. So has it chanced with
+_Frith's Recollections_, which has now reached its third edition; and
+once _Mr. Punch_ spoke well of the Jubilee Edition of _Pickwick_, which
+has now been re-issued with some of the original sketches by "BUSS,"--to
+many it will be a surprise that _Mr. Pickwick_ ever took a buss, except
+under the mistletoe at Dingley Dell,--which are fairly clever, though
+one of them, the cricketing scene, might have been omitted without
+damaging the artistic character of the republication. There is a sketch
+by JOHN LEECH, illustrating the moment in the _Bagman's Story_ when the
+old arm-chair wakes up _Tom Smart_, and assumes the form and features of
+a gouty, but wickedly sly, old gentleman, which alone is "worth all the
+money." It is a real Christmas picture; and indeed a small volume of
+_Tales from Pickwick_, illustrated by fanciful and humorous artists,
+would make a capital Christmas Book of the good old Dickensian sort.
+_Mr. Punch_ has given the hint: _fiat!_
+
+By the way, I see an advertisement of a book quoting opinions of the
+Press as to its being "the funniest book of the present reign." Heavens!
+It is only necessary to mention _Pickwick_, which is replete with such
+real fun, as makes the reader roar with laughter irrepressible, besides
+being full of genuine humour. BARON DE BOOK WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I believe," said Mrs. R.'S nephew, meditatively, "that Paris will have
+a 'Directory' again." "Why not?" retorted Mrs. RAM. "Why shouldn't Paris
+have a Directory? London has--_Kelly's Directory_--and most useful it
+is!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAY OF LAWRENCE MOOR!
+
+A TRUE STORY.
+
+ Four brave men set sail from Whalsey,
+   In their open fishing-smack,
+ Four strong fellows left the Shetlands,
+   Only one at last came back.
+ Hearken how the wind is howling,
+   Close the curtains; shut the door,
+ Whilst I tell the splendid story
+   Of a sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR!
+
+ Never yet has such a tempest,
+   Screamed around the Shetland homes,
+ Dealing death and devastation
+   Where the northern sailor roams.
+ Snow and hail in blinding fury,
+   Swept o'er forest, field and lea,
+ Deaf seemed Heaven to the praying
+   For the brave men out at sea!
+
+ Far at sea! four plucky fellows
+   Bending back and straining oar,
+ Hidden each from each in tempest,
+   That had blotted out the shore!
+ All at once the skipper steering,
+   Cheering, shouting--look ahead!
+ Heard a moan, his best companion
+   Fell in arms of duty--dead!
+
+ "For the love of home and Heaven,
+   Brave it out as I will do."
+ Shouts above the storm, the skipper,
+   Rallying his fainting crew,
+ "Let us pray, lads, all together,
+   Heaven may save us! Who can tell!"
+ But the prayer was scarcely uttered,
+   When another sailor fell!
+
+ Two brave men--were left in silence--
+   Whispering with shortened breath,
+ "Don't desert your pal," says LAWRENCE,
+   "Let us have it out with Death!
+ God has strength to still the waters,
+   We have pluck to keep afloat."
+ But the last man with a murmur,
+   Fell exhausted in the boat.
+
+ "ANDREW! Laddie!"--Death don't answer.
+   "TOM, old pal!" the faintest sigh,
+ "Left me all alone then, have ye?
+   Well _I_ don't intend to die!"
+ Then he thought of home and children,
+   Back came mirrored waves of sin!
+ One lone man midst dead and dying,
+   Felt the water rushing in!
+
+ One hand on the oar to steer her,
+   One hand free to hoist the sail,
+ When he called--no mate to answer,
+   Sinking now--no boy to bail;
+ Toiling hour on hour exhausted,
+   Captain of a ghastly bier!
+ Till at last the tempest lifted,
+   And he sighted Lerwick Pier.
+
+ Home at last! the plucky sailor,
+   Home to children and to wife,
+ Home half dead to claim the honour,
+   That he'd saved _one_ brother's life,
+ Death defied! they found him kneeling,
+   Humbly on his cottage floor,
+ But they'll pass to time the story,
+   Of that Sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THE NICK OF TIME.--His Excellency, the Chinese Minister, LEW CHUI
+FUN, has left London for Paris, to present his credentials to President
+CARNOT. At this festive season of Merry Christmas, Frenchmen of all
+parties in politics will welcome such an Opportunist as FUN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Shortly to be published, _The Life of Sims Reeves_, compiled from his
+own notes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PICCADILLY PLAYERS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+A few evenings since, I assisted at a Members' Concert in Piccadilly,
+where a very fair exhibition of Amateur Musical talent was displayed by
+the "Strolling Players." The vocal part of the entertainment was
+especially good, thanks to the really charming singing of the Misses
+AGNES JANSON and HAMLIN. The geniuses in the Orchestra who are for all
+time, and any tune, managed occasionally to get a little out of hand in
+spite of Mr. NORFOLK MEGONE'S earnest conductorship. Taken all round,
+"The First Members' Concert" was so good that I should not have the
+smallest objection to attending the Second.
+
+_The Ancient Mariner_ with Mr. J. F. BARNETT'S brilliant music at St.
+James's Hall last Thursday night, held entranced a large audience which
+listened "like a three ears child" ("Had I three ears I'd hear thee,"
+says _Macbeth_. Did COLERIDGE write SHAKSPEARE?--however, this has
+nothing much to do with the _cantata_, and so on we goes again)--so "the
+Mariner hath his Will" (which is almost conclusive evidence that
+COLERIDGE'S _Mariner_ was written by WILL SHAKSPEARE) and we were all
+delighted. I hadn't a book. Who was ALBERT ROSS that the _Mariner_ shot?
+Madame PATEY sang "_O Sleep, it is a Genteel Thing!_" (I think these
+were the words) with great feeling and expression. Beautiful idea,
+"sleep a genteel thing!" Somebody told me I was wrong, and that the poet
+wrote, "_O Sleep, it is a Gentle Thing!_" which anybody could have said,
+without being a poet. So I prefer my own version. The recitative
+(SANTLEY) and chorus (Everybody), about "the coming wind did roar," and
+something (I didn't catch what) was "like a sledge," and "the Moon was
+on its side and then upon its edge," which sounds just what a harvest
+moon would do after a good day's harvesting, were excellent.
+
+Then followed Mr. C. V. STANFORD'S Symphony in F Minor, "_The Irish_" as
+my neighbour informed me, to which I replied, "Oh, indeed!" and
+appeared, as I hope, much interested; though what he meant I haven't the
+smallest idea. Who was my neighbour?--a very learned person who kept on
+drawing my attention to the excellent instrumentation, and the admirable
+use which the Composer had made of his "strings"--I didn't see that he
+had any "strings," but I said, "Ah, yes,"--his "Wood-wind and Horns."
+"Just observe his horns!" said my neighbour enthusiastically. He spoke
+of Mr. C. V. STANFORD as if he were drawing the portrait of Ancient
+Nicholas, as portrayed by CRUIKSHANK when illustrating _The Lay of S.
+Médard_, in the _Ingoldsby Legends_. A Composer with Strings, Wood-wind
+("comest thou with blasts from----" &c., as BACONSPEARE hath it) and
+"horns" is the man to write a _cantata_ entitled "Herne the Hunter," and
+I am not at all sure that there isn't a _Herne_ already in existence,
+and that that Herne isn't His'n. After a pause (during which the
+orchestra continued playing) my neighbour begged me to notice that now
+the theme was, "Remember the glories of O'BRIEN the Brave," but at this
+point not wishing to enter into a political discussion which might have
+landed me in the police-station, I courteously, but firmly, wished him
+good night, and having signified to everybody generally the extreme
+pleasure I had derived from the entertainment provided by the Messrs.
+NOVELLO AND EWER, I gracefully withdrew, and am, No Fellow, but Ewers
+truly, THE CRICKET ON THE HARP.
+
+P.S.--_À propos_ of music, I cannot refrain from mentioning the
+gathering of the _élite_ who recently collected together to do honour to
+the talents of Mrs. DUTTON COOK. Madame ALBANI was in great force, and
+the fair _bénéficiaire_ played with her customary grace and artistic
+feeling, eliciting the invariable result of unbounded applause. It is to
+be greatly regretted that the Public have not the opportunity of hearing
+Mrs. DUTTON COOK more frequently. She is certainly in the first rank of
+pianists and a sound musician.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"I hear," said Mrs. RAM, "that the Princess CHRISTIAN has written about
+the _Margarine of Baireuth_. I like to hear of Royalty interesting
+themselves in such matters. However," she added, "of course, they know
+which side their Bread's buttered, and like the butter, whether at home
+or abroad--that is, here or at Baireuth--to be of the very best. So do
+I."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"THE CRAMOPHONE."--New invention for repeating any number of crams over
+and over again. Useful to advertisers, quacks, &c., &c.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TOO CLEVER BY HALF.
+
+    "Out of every thousand men in the Army there are now 815 of superior
+    education.... H.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commander-in-Chief has
+    directed Officers to use every means at their disposal to induce men
+    to improve their education in order to obtain the certificate
+    necessary for promotion."--_Daily Paper._
+
+SCENE--_The Barrack Square of the Royal Irish Bengal Essex Highlanders
+(Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein's Own). Members of the Regiment
+assembling for Morning Parade. A Company falling in._
+
+_Captain Dash (commanding A Company)._ Ready for inspection, Sergeant?
+
+_Sergeant Babington Macaulay (saluting)._ Directly, Sir. I have called
+away the men from a discussion on the question of entail.
+
+_Captain_. Dear me! You should not have done that. I shall be only too
+ready to assist them by any means in my power.
+
+_Sergeant._ Well, Sir, they are now in close order. If you wish, I will
+open them out. (_Captain nods assent. To men._) Open order! [_Flank
+files rear rank step back two paces._
+
+_Corporal (dressing flank files)._ Steady!
+
+_Sergeant._ March! (_Remainder of rear rank step back._) Order arms!
+Stand at ease! [_He salutes_ Captain, _and comes to attention_.
+
+_Captain._ 'Tention! (_Company springs up to desired position._) Now, my
+men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of
+Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a
+University can take a pace to the front. March! (_The entire Company
+complies._) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant?
+
+_Sergeant._ Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company,
+although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H
+Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best
+read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment.
+
+_Captain._ Well, what is the difficulty? Call out the man who started
+the subject. Perhaps I may be able to help him.
+
+_Sergeant (salutes and turns to Company)._ Private THOMAS ATKINS take
+three paces to your front. March! Now then, salute, Sir! (_Aside._) This
+extra education makes them rusty with their drill.
+
+_Captain._ Well, Private ATKINS, can I help you at all?
+
+_Private Atkins (touching his rifle with his right hand)._ A thousand
+thanks, Sir, for your extreme kindness and courtesy. Still I cannot
+fairly monopolise all your attention, as I was only one of many desirous
+of learning a little law.
+
+_Captain._ I suppose you know all about the Feudal System?
+
+_Private (smiling)._ I can safely undertake to say that there is not a
+man in the Company who does not appreciate its provisions.
+
+_Captain._ Quite so. Well, the practice of entail is founded more or
+less on the Feudal System. You understand the advantages and
+disadvantages of Primogeniture?
+
+_Private._ Certainly, Sir. I suppose Borough English was rather before
+the time of the Norman Conquest?
+
+_Captain._ I imagine so: but perhaps the best way will be for you all to
+come to my quarters, where I can explain the matter more fully to you
+than I can here. I have no doubt the Colonel will excuse the Company, if
+I inform him for what purpose we propose absenting ourselves. At any
+rate I will ask him.
+
+_Private._ A million thanks, Sir. I am sure every man in the Company
+will be grateful to you.
+
+_Sergeant._ Right about turn! Quick march! Halt! Front! Shoulder arms!
+
+_Captain._ Stand them easy while I go away. (Sergeant _obeys order, and_
+Captain _approaches and salutes_ Colonel.) Beg pardon, Sir, but may I
+march my Company to my quarters to give them a lecture on law?
+
+_Colonel (rather querulously)._ Well, DASH, of course I'm not going to
+say No; but it really is rather rough upon me. Here B Company has got
+permission to study botany, C Company the elements of engineering, D, F,
+and G chemistry. I shall be left with H Company, because they have
+nothing more to learn. What on earth shall I give them to do if you are
+off too?
+
+_Captain._ Wouldn't presume to suggest, Sir; but mightn't H have a
+little practice in the rudiments of drill?
+
+_Colonel._ By Jove, you are right! They are rusty enough! Very well, you
+may go.
+
+[_Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards_ Captain DASH'S
+_quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into
+something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction
+in the mysteries of "fours_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A CIRCULAR NOTE.--The literary character of our leading statesmen of all
+shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They
+are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr.
+GLADSTONE and Mr. BALFOUR are by this time past-masters. Long may they
+live--and learn.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE IRREVOCABLE PAST!
+
+                                 "This is truth the Poet sings,
+ That a sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things!"
+
+"ALAS! IN LOOKING BACK OVER ONE'S LIFE, HOW MANY THINGS THERE ARE TO
+CAUSE ONE TO REGRET!"
+
+"OH, YES, INDEED! I OFTEN REGRET I DIDN'T EAT MORE OYSTERS WHEN THEY
+WERE EIGHTPENCE A DOZEN!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CHIMES.
+
+(_Dickens once again adapted to the Season and the Situation._)
+
+High up in the steeple of an old old Tower, of ancient foundation,
+somewhat incongruous and complicated in design, but of sound
+Constitution--as _everybody_, even the angriest campanological
+opponents, admitted--far above the light and the noise of the town, if
+far below the flying clouds that shadow it, dwelt the Chimes I tell of.
+
+They were old Chimes, trust me. Centuries ago those Bells had been hung
+by our ancestors, so many centuries ago, that the register of their
+first suspension, the record of their first peal, was lost in
+antiquarian mist as impenetrable as the darkness of the belfry corners
+on a starless November night. They had had their donors and sponsors,
+these Bells; but time had mowed down their donors, and mislaid the names
+of their sponsors, and they now hung nameless and dateless, but sound
+and sonorous still, in that high old Tower, time-worn but steadfast and
+four-square to all winds, Party or otherwise, that have blown or that
+shall blow.
+
+Not speechless though. Far from it. They had clear, loud, lusty,
+sounding voices, had these Bells; and far and wide they might be heard
+upon the wind. Much too sturdy Chimes, moreover, were they, to be
+dependent upon the mere pleasure of the wind, of any of the winds--Party
+or otherwise--aforementioned. They had been pulled at by many
+generations of ringers, pulled at sometimes skilfully, often awkwardly
+and ill; sometimes in tune, and with the well-ordered harmony which was
+natural to them; sometimes again, wildly and wilfully, by incompetent or
+angry ringers, ringers ill-matched and ill-accordant, who did their
+worst to mar their melody, and spoil their tunefulness, and upset their
+time, and make them sound, in the great Singer's words:--
+
+ "Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune, and harsh."
+
+But the fault was ever less in the Bells than in the Bell-ringers.
+Cracked were they not, nor were they cacophonous; let their clappers
+swing free, and keep their throats unrusted and unclogged, and in
+skilled, and loyal, and well-conducted hands, they would ever sound out
+strongly and sweetly, and send forth on and against the wildest and
+angriest of the winds aforesaid, most excellent and inspiring music.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Toby_ knew them well, those Bells, as did his great and genial Master.
+_Toby_ was not a canine casuist. Being but a simple and loyal dog, he
+invested them with a strange and solemn character. They were so
+mysterious and mighty; often heard, and never seen; so high up, so far
+off, and so full of such a deep, strong melody, that he regarded them
+with a species of awe; and sometimes when he looked up at the dark
+arched windows in the tower, he half expected to be beckoned to by
+something which was not a Bell, and yet was what he had heard so often
+sounding in the Tower, the Spirit, namely, of Loyalty and Love, of
+Honour and of Home. For all this, _Toby_ scouted with doggish
+disdain--being, like his Master, as sensible as loyal--a certain
+occasionally flying rumour that the Chimes were haunted, as implying the
+possibility of their being connected with any Evil thing. And _Toby_--no
+unlicked cub, but a considerate, composed old dog,--never puppyishly
+barked at the Bells. He would as soon have thought of baying the moon.
+
+But he often had occasion to yap, warningly or reprovingly, at the
+Bell-ringers!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Bow-wow-wow! It was the voice of _Toby_. It meant not, this time, either
+warning or reproof; rather amicable acknowledgment, and just a little
+surprise. Not fear, oh, no! not fear.
+
+A Voice--was it a vision-voice, or the accents of the biggest of
+the Bells, or was it, perchance, the veritable Voice of Time
+himself, naturally and fitly vocal and audible at this particular
+Season?--sounded strangely through the shadowy belfry. Thus it seemed to
+speak, in words curiously pertinent to the moment, though _Toby_ seemed
+to have heard them before in other connection and in other
+circumstances.
+
+[Illustration: THE CHIMES.
+
+MR. PUNCH. "NOW THEN, MY LADS! ALL TOGETHER FOR ONCE!--CHRISTMAS TIME,
+YOU KNOW!!"]
+
+"The Voice of Time cries to Man, Advance! Time is for his advancement
+and improvement; for his greater worth, his greater happiness, his
+better life; his progress onward to that goal within its knowledge and
+its view, and set there in the period when Time and he began. Ages of
+darkness, wickedness, and violence have come and gone--millions
+uncountable have suffered, loved, and died--to point the way before him.
+Who seeks to turn him back, or stay him in his course, arrests a mighty
+engine which will strike the meddler dead, and be the fiercer and the
+wilder, ever, for its momentary check!"
+
+"A rub for the reactionaries!" mused _Toby_.
+
+"Who puts into the mouth of Time, or of its servants, a cry of
+lamentation for days which have had their trial and their failure, and
+have left deep traces of it which the blind may see--a cry that only
+serves the present time, by showing men how much it needs their help
+when any ears can listen to regrets for such a past--who does this does
+us wrong."
+
+"A flout for our Fair-Traders!" thought _Toby_.
+
+"Who hears in us, the Chimes, one note bespeaking disregard, or stern
+regard, of any hope, or joy, or sorrow, of the many-sorrowed throng; who
+hears us make response to any creed that gauges human passions and
+affections, as it gauges the amount of miserable food on which humanity
+may pine and wither, does us wrong."
+
+"What would the contemners of the people's claims, the deriders of the
+people's miseries, make of _that_, I wonder?" meditated _Toby_.
+
+"Who hears us echo the dull vermin of the earth, the Putters Down of
+crushed and broken natures, formed to be raised up higher than such
+maggots of the time can crawl or can conceive, does us wrong."
+
+"Pity the shriekers for unlimited Suppression can't hear _this_!"
+cogitated _Toby_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_Bow-wow-wow!_ Again it was the voice of _Toby_. This time it did mean
+warning, if not reproof. Not anger exactly; anger alone is scarce suited
+to the Christmas season.
+
+The Bell-ringers were going it. With plenty of energy, unquestionably,
+but with scarcely as much discretion as might be desired. A rather mixed
+lot. Each one individually an excellent hand at the rope, no doubt.
+Evergreen WILL, of the leonine front, and flying silvery whisps of hair!
+Black-a-vised BOB, of the broad shoulders and resolute tug. Stolid, but
+sturdy HARTY, of the firmly-planted feet and granite grip! Fiery though
+mild-featured JOACHIM; sombre, smug-faced, but enthusiastic JOHN! Last,
+though perhaps hardly least (in his own estimation, at all events),
+rattling RANDOLPH, light-weight, none too firm of footing, but full of
+dash, and game to attempt a triple bob-major all by himself.
+
+"_Pull_ away, BOB," cried impetuous WILL, eagerly.
+
+"Steady, WILL!" exclaimed Black-a-vised BOB, sardonically.
+
+"Keep time, for goodness sake, JOHN," said accurate JOACHIM.
+
+"Want your bell to be heard above all the rest!" murmured sombre JOHN.
+
+"Are you trying to hang yourself, or pull the belfry down, RANDOLPH,"
+muttered stolid HARTY, beneath his moustache.
+
+"Oh, confound it; I could lick the lot of you!" shouted little RANDOLPH,
+tugging tremendously at his rope, and fairly carried off his feet by the
+recoil.
+
+"_Bow-wow-wow!_" barked _Toby_.
+
+"Right, my dog!" said his Master. "Good Bell-ringing, my boys, requires
+combination and subordination, unity of purpose as well as union of
+powers. A bull-like power of pull is not enough, or, by Jove! you'd all
+be crack campanologists. Come, Gentlemen, a Christmas Carillon at least
+should not be all cacaphonous crash and clatter. All together, my lads,
+_for once_; or, rather, keep time, and touch, and tune, with due regard
+to the perfection of the peal and the credit of the glorious old
+Chimes!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+IN THEIR CRACKERS.
+
+_The Czar._--A brand-new map of the Balkan States with Prince BISMARCK'S
+best compliments.
+
+_The Emperor of Austria._--A satisfactory explanation of recent Russian
+Military movements, with the CZAR'S kindest regards.
+
+_Prince Bismarck._--German Security by arrangement, with the seasonable
+wishes of the Five Great Powers.
+
+_President Carnot._--A Ministry that will last him a fortnight with the
+good will of the two Chambers.
+
+_Lord Salisbury._--"A Hundred New Ways of Governing Ireland by
+Coercion." Christmas Edition.
+
+_Mr. O'Brien._--An Emerald-coloured Tweed suit, in which to sing by
+himself on Christmas Eve, "_The Wearing of the Green_."
+
+_Mr. Chamberlain._--A very pretty kettle of fish, daintily and
+appropriately decorated with Canadian mottoes.
+
+_Mr. Gladstone._--The Donnybrook Fair Suit, "with Shillelagh complete,"
+as advertised, done up in a neat parcel and addressed to him with the
+compliments of "the Party."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LEARNED PROTEST.
+
+ RESPECTISSIME PUNCHI!
+
+Tu habes admissum, olim, Latinas litteras in tuis columnis. Memini unum
+TOMMIUM scribentem de Etone (istâ super-ratâ scholâ) et nunc forsitan
+accipies hanc contributionem antiqui Westminsterensis? Semper ego
+auditor tantum (JUVENALIS) quum nobilis ars Latinorum versorum est
+attacta? Non pro JOSEPHO! Volo nunc intrare meam protestationem contra
+aliqua verba Baronis BRAMWELL, alterâ die.
+
+[Illustration: _Facilis ascensus Parnassi sed revocare gradum._
+
+"It's very easy to be a Poet, but you must have recourse to your
+gradus."]
+
+Baro dixit (Anglicè, quia, imagino, non noscit Latinum) ut "he never got
+any good from the Latin verses he was obliged to write when a boy, and
+if a boy is to be made a poet, he had better begin in his own language."
+Dixit quoque, "it may be knowledge to know the names of those who killed
+BECKET (_sic_), and the precise date, but it is not wisdom or useful."
+(Quare, viâ, "BECKET," et non "Sanctus TOMMIUS À BECKET, proprium nomen?
+Quid cheekum! Vel forte dicerem, quæ bucca! Vocabimusne Baronem BRAMWELL
+in futuro "BRAMWELL" simpliciter; vel, ut omittit "à," potius "BRAM'L"?)
+
+Quoto has Philistinas deliverationes de "Tempora," et Editor "Temporum"
+propriissime scribit, "We should for our part (pro nostrâ portione)
+venture to doubt whether some of Lord BRAMWELL'S (peto veniam, BRAM'L'S)
+remarkable keenness of mind is not to be accounted for by the drilling
+which his Latin verses gave him--by the habit of twisting and turning
+(habitus contorquendi et vertendi) and adjusting thoughts and phrases
+which that old-fashioned exercise implies." Bene!
+
+Sum ipse nunc Undergraduatus, et abandonavi Classicas linguas pro
+Scientiâ. Sed retineo meum Latinum--ut tu vides--et invenio id facile
+esse excellens in chemicis odoribus et in CICERONE simul.
+
+Cogito ut Britannicus Publicus debet noscere _quam multum bonum_ Latini
+versus sunt ad pueros.
+
+1. Imprimis, illi ducunt ad usum _Gradûs ad Parnassum_; et, interrogo,
+quis liber potest comparare cum eo vel in elegantiâ styli, vel in
+copiositate verborum, vel in vero genio auctoris? Sum inclinatus
+cogitare ut auctor erat, in realitate, BACONIUS ipse; et si ita, id est
+alium exemplum quomodo Latini versus auxiliant homines scandere ad
+nobilissimas positiones in Statu.
+
+2. Secundo loco, docent fraternum amorem inter pueros; quia quum unus
+socius est stumpatus pro verbo, alius donat illi correctum tippum, sub
+rosâ.
+
+3. Tertium quid (non _quid_ tobacconis!--Vide effectum, "habitûs
+contorquendi et vertendi"!)--Versus elevant mentem, et associant nos cum
+grandibus auctoribus præteriti, ut OVIDIO, TIBULLO, et CAREYO. Quomodo
+possum noscere, nisi per "Gradum," ut _Amor_ est "dulcis, blandus,
+jucundus, suavis," et eodem tempore "flagrans, acer, fervidus,
+indomitus, vigilans," etc.?
+
+4. Quarto, discimus synonymos, sic utiles ad publicos homines (non
+homines _publicanos_, intelligis! "Habitus contorquendi" iterum). Si
+Magister GLADSTONE non fecisset Latinos versus ut juvenis, non posset
+nunc donare viginti differentia nomina pro unâ re.
+
+Finaliter, si Latini versus sunt missi ad Jerichonem, _ubi erit Ludus
+Westminsterensis_ in futuro? Nullum alium argumentum est necessarium.
+
+ Maneo tuus,      ANTI-BRAMWELLIUS ACADEMICUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Correspondent draws _Mr. Punch's_ attention to an advertisement in a
+Cheltenham paper, from which this is an extract:--
+
+  "QUINCE JAM.--Prepared from Quinces, supposed by many to be the
+  'Forbidden Fruit.' This hitherto almost unknown luxury is much
+  appreciated by those who have tried it."
+
+Hasn't the enterprising and, of course, very old-established firm which
+advertises this luxury any recommendation in writing from "The fairest
+of her daughters," EVE? If so, let them produce the papyrus.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The last Christmas Cards to arrive, are TAYLOR FOOT'S "Merry Thoughts,"
+&c., from Poland Street,--they're behind time; so very slow a-foot in
+coming. As practical jokes, the mince-pie cards are uncommonly good, and
+indeed the sham may be substituted for the real, by a mince pi-ous fraud
+allowable at Christmas time.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL.
+
+_Grandpapa._ "AH, JOHNNY! THERE ARE FEW BETTER THINGS THAN IRISH STEW!"
+
+_Johnny._ "WHAT ARE THE FEW BETTER THINGS, GRANDPA?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNEMPLOYED.
+
+_A Christmas Carol for the Comfortable Classes._
+
+  Old Father Christmas came once more,
+  His eye was bright if his hair was hoar,
+  And the old old gifts on his back he bore.
+
+  With the old loved legend now as then
+  The pleasantest ever inscribed by pen--
+  "Peace upon earth, goodwill to men."
+
+  What was it the good old greybeard saw?--
+  War's iron teeth, greed's gaping jaw,
+  And shaken order and broken law.
+
+  Each land ringed round with a fence of steel,
+  Each party snarling at other's heel;
+  None seeming loving, few looking leal.
+
+  Poverty spreading athwart the land,
+  With mutterings few dared understand,
+  Though they palsied Charity's helpful hand.
+
+  And the good old greybeard stood and gazed
+  At the thousand hearths where no Yule-fire blazed,
+  At the hate-led nations, the classes crazed.
+
+  "And oh!" he cried, "is it come, the time
+  When the land low grovels in greed and grime,
+  And heeds no longer my cheering chime?
+
+  "Is it past, all prospect of love's increase?
+  Is it time my rallying cry should cease--
+  'Peace and Good-will! Good-will and Peace!'?
+
+  "Is it fled, the hope that my heart has buoyed?
+  Is it finished, the labour in which I joyed?
+  Am _I_ the chief of the Unemployed?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE DEAR DEPARTED.--He has departed, and he was dear--at the price, was
+the poor little Gorilla! He died at the Zoo just ten days ago. Was it
+owing to his being so generously dieted, and never getting "Monkey's
+allowance?" Jenny the Baboon refused to attend the funeral, which was
+strictly private. Her conduct has created some astonishment among the
+officials. A jarring note was struck by the Hyæna, which could not
+repress its laughter. He died intestate. The Gorilla's decease makes no
+change in the government of Monkey Island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONSCIENTIOUS APPARITION; OR, THE PHANTOM BILL OF COSTS.
+
+(_A Legal Ghost Story for Christmas._)
+
+I am a highly respectable family ghost. I appear usually at two in the
+morning, wearing, what I believe is called in theatrical circles, a
+disguise cloak, and carrying a long blood-stained sword. I have one
+serious drawback. I have a shocking memory, and have entirely forgotten
+my identity. For the death of me I cannot remember why I became a ghost,
+and what on earth I ought to haunt. I fancy it should be some sort of
+castle, as I have an indistinct recollection of once frightening a man
+carrying some huge keys, from what I take must have been a portcullis,
+into fits. But this is merely conjecture, and I can't in the least
+account for my blood-stained sword. As I am really conscientious, this
+state of things has caused me serious regret. I have no wish to alarm
+the wrong people, nor to haunt the wrong place. The first is improper,
+and the second is _infra dig_. But what can I do? I find that I must
+appear at least once in every four-and-twenty hours, and my difficulty
+has been to so suit my time and place, that the least inconvenience
+should be given to the smallest number. Consequently, for many years I
+have been a nightly _habitué_ of the South Kensington Museum. No doubt
+this arrangement would have continued for an indefinite period had I
+not been recently arrested by a Policeman for loitering in the
+picture-galleries, who only permitted me to vanish in blue fire (I
+prefer blue to red) on the condition that I did not re-enter the
+Institution.
+
+Ousted from the South Kensington Museum, I determined not to visit any
+other public establishment. Partly because I was tired beyond measure of
+curiosities, and partly, because my dignity had been wounded by the
+incident that had severed my connection with the School of Art.
+Supplementary to this, I felt that I might be neglecting a duty by not
+discovering the proper place for my periodical apparitions. It occurred
+to me it would be a great comfort if I could but find the exact spot,
+where undisturbed, I could appear and disappear without fear of
+interruption, at any rate, from the profession, for I knew that I should
+not be allowed to poach on the haunting-grounds of my fellow phantoms.
+As a matter of fact, I once had a terrible row in the Tower of London,
+(caused by Sir WALTER RALEIGH, Lord BALMARINO, and Lady JANE GREY
+objecting to my joining the little gathering there, on the score "that I
+did not belong to their set") which ended in my being ejected in the
+most undignified manner possible from the premises. However, I am pretty
+determined when I make up my mind, and I formed the resolution of
+leaving no stone unturned until I had discovered my proper destination.
+
+My first experiments were most unsuccessful. I visited in succession
+about a hundred country-houses, but found them all tenanted with their
+rightful apparitions. My arrival was greeted, in each case, with abuse,
+more or less vigorous. Perhaps I received the greatest insults from a
+person (I cannot call him a gentleman) of the last century, who I
+discovered haunting a venerable mansion belonging to his grandson, with
+a view to giving their brand-new family an air of respectability.
+
+At length I found a rather agreeable lady in white brocade, who carried
+her head in a bundle under her arm, and who was more inclined to be
+sociable than any ghost I had hitherto met.
+
+"You cannot possibly remain here," she said, as she glided up a
+staircase and rattled some chains outside a bedroom door, "it would not
+be proper, besides it would be sure to be resented by ALFREDO, who rises
+every fifteenth of March from the moat to cut my head off in a fit of
+jealousy--he is so absurd! If I were you I should consult a Solicitor. I
+can recommend you one who hanged himself some years ago in the town over
+yonder. His great great great grandfather drew my marriage settlement;
+and ALFREDO, who has consulted him on several little matters, has every
+confidence in him. Why not see him? You will find him seated in his
+office (it belongs to his nephew in the daytime) from midnight to four
+in the morning. And now you must really go, as I have to frighten the
+occupants of this bed-chamber."
+
+Thus urged, of course I could only bow and withdraw. I floated into the
+town and entered the Lawyer's office. I found its phantom occupant
+extremely obliging.
+
+"The great difficulty," he said, when he had listened to my story, "is
+to ascertain your identity, which can only be done in the daytime. Have
+you ever appeared at noon?"
+
+I admitted that I had, although I was obliged to confess that I had
+found my apparition then both feeble and unsatisfactory.
+
+After consultation, we decided that perhaps we might find some trace of
+my antecedents in the Imbecile Inquiry Office, a Government Department
+devoted to the registration of human curiosities. It was not impossible
+that I might have been so extremely eccentric in my lifetime, that some
+trace of my doings might have been preserved in the archives of the
+_bureau_. The next morning, accompanied by my Lawyer, I visited the
+office, and was requested by a messenger to put in writing on a
+memorandum paper the object of my application. Fortunately the man was
+short-sighted, and did not appear to notice our appearance. I wrote what
+I wanted, and sent it up. In a few minutes the messenger returned.
+
+"The Board is engaged at this moment, but if you like to stop, the
+Secretary will see you by-and-by." He then left us.
+
+After waiting nearly an hour, my Lawyer and I came to the conclusion
+that we must have been forgotten, and determined to go upon a voyage of
+discovery on our own account. Leaving the waiting-room, we glided up a
+broad stone staircase and entered through a green-baize door a large
+apartment apparently filled with books. Seated at a desk was an
+amiable-looking, middle-aged gentleman surrounded with plans, papers,
+packets, and the usual paraphernalia of a Government Office. Between
+this room and another was a second green-baize door dividing the two
+apartments the one from the other. In the second room we saw several
+other amiable-looking middle-aged gentlemen, grouped round a long table,
+and apparently engaged in discussing sandwiches and sherry.
+
+"I am sorry to disturb you," said my Lawyer, courteously. The
+amiable-looking middle-aged gentleman at the desk, raised his eyes,
+looked at us, started violently, and turned as white as a sheet. My
+Solicitor continued, "We want to know----"
+
+He could get no further. The gentleman jumped up from his desk in an
+agony of terror, and, before we could prevent his departure, disappeared
+with an unearthly yell, through the baize door into the second
+apartment. The door was then hurriedly locked, and all we could do would
+not induce any of the occupants of the room to open it. We tried in vain
+all sorts of inducements, from the rattling of heavy chains up to
+thunder-thumps. Some little time elapsed, and then the short-sighted
+messenger made his appearance.
+
+"I never told you to come up," said he, in an aggrieved tone, "and
+you've got me into trouble. You must be off. The Board say that your
+application, whatever it is, can't be entertained."
+
+To retire was all we could do--and we did it. On regaining the street, I
+sorrowfully bade my Solicitor good-bye.
+
+"Oh dear no, Sir," he said, with the ghost of a smile. "You have quite
+forgotten one little formality--my Bill of Costs."
+
+Upon this he produced an enormous roll of paper! The rest of my story
+can be briefly told. Unable to pay my Lawyer's bill, I was compelled to
+seek refuge in a country where I could not be reached by the Extradition
+law. I took a passage in _The Flying Dutchman_, and went to Spain. I am
+now settled in Grenada, where I am believed by the peasantry to be an
+English ghost that has escaped from a branch of the Moorish Alhambra
+that has been recently established in Leicester Square. I find some
+consolation in the thought that those whom I now haunt seem to be
+growing rather fond of me. I trust that this is not a specimen of the
+national politeness, and that the affection they apparently entertain
+towards me is not merely assumed to save me unnecessary embarrassment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 55.
+
+IN LOWTHER ARCADIA AT CHRISTMAS TIME.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WAITING HIS ORDERS.
+
+The HOME SECRETARY, after the revelations made by a distinguished member
+of the Representative body of Theatrical Managers and Music Hall
+Proprietors that called upon him last week to protest against the
+further extension of Inspecting Powers to the Metropolitan Board, having
+expressed a wish to hear something still further of the correspondence,
+said to be of a blackmailing character, which was referred to in the
+course of the proceedings, the Deputation again called on him yesterday
+afternoon for the purpose of supplying him with fresh information on the
+subject.
+
+[Illustration: Augustus Druriolanus opposing the Invasion of Plancus
+Operator Autocraticus.]
+
+In re-introducing them, Mr. JACKSON PARTLAND, M.P., said that since
+their last interview they had heard that, with a view to the better
+control of the correspondence of subordinate officials of the Board, an
+enterprising firm of publishers had undertaken to provide for their use
+A COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER, a few of the proof-sheets of which had chanced
+to come into their possession. As they seemed to have some bearing on
+the present case, they thought that perhaps the HOME SECRETARY might
+like to look at them. In presenting them to his notice, they felt it was
+hardly necessary to point out that a public Department from which such
+documents might be expected to issue was scarcely calculated to inspire
+that general confidence so essential to the smooth and efficient working
+that might reasonably be expected of it. The subjoined proof-sheets,
+which he appeared to peruse with much attention, were then handed to the
+HOME SECRETARY:--
+
+_From an Official of the Board to a Popular Manager, asking for Places
+during the Height of the Pantomime Season._
+
+  _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's
+  Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 17._
+
+MY DEAR GUS,--(Excuse the familiarity, but it is a way we have on the
+"Board")--I know you are turning money away nightly, but you must really
+manage to let me have the Queen's Box, and the two others on each side
+of it (all three knocked into one) for three days--say, Monday,
+Thursday, and Friday next week. I wish to bring my grandfather, two aged
+aunts, my sister-in-law, all her children, and my own, and lots of
+cousins and connections who know my interest with you, and have asked me
+to get 'em good places. Don't say you can't do it, my dear boy, for you
+know _I can be nasty when I like_, and should be sorry to put you to the
+expense of clapping on another staircase or two to the upper circles.
+Ha! ha! that would be a joke, wouldn't it? However, let's hope it won't
+come to that. Yours ever, JOHN BEGG.
+
+P.S.--If there's a difficulty about the boxes, I wouldn't mind a whole
+row of stalls right across the theatre in the best part. But mind, one
+or the other, _I must have_.
+
+_From Same to Same, on the former receiving, in reply, an Order for two
+to the Upper Boxes, not admitted after half-past Seven._
+
+  _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's
+  Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 19._
+
+SIR.--I am utterly astounded at the insolence of your response to my
+request, and thus fling back your tickets (re-enclosed) in your face. Do
+you know, Sir, who I am? _Are you aware that I can make your theatre too
+hot to hold you?_ Do you reflect that I can force you to open up a
+dozen,--ay, and if need be, twenty-four--new and roomy exits on every
+blessed floor in your house. And yet, with this knowledge, you dare to
+haggle in your mind over the price of three paltry boxes on the Grand
+Tier. Why, you must be mad!--stark! However, to be plain with you, I'll
+tell you what it is. Unless you send me by return the places I have
+named, and which, as an Official of the Board, have the goodness to
+understand, _I claim as a right_, I'll let loose a Committee of
+Inspection on you in two twos, without notice, and if, after they've
+paid you a visit, they leave you a single leg to stand upon, I promise
+you it won't be the fault of Yours, meaning business, officially,
+
+  JOHN BEGG.
+
+_From Same to Same, after receipt of various Complimentary Admissions,
+making still further demands._
+
+  _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's
+  Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 1._
+
+MY VERY DEAR SIR,--Thank you for the last six Private Boxes, which,
+although not all of them in quite first-rate positions, enabled me to
+knock on a few obligations that I was under to certain importunate
+friends and connections. But I am now going to tax your kindness still
+further. _I wish to give all my tradesmen a treat_, and should like them
+to have the Queen's Box in turn. I am, therefore, sending you the
+addresses of my butcher, my baker, my bootmaker, milkman, greengrocer,
+and my tailor, and request that you will communicate directly with them,
+with a view to finding out on what nights they could most conveniently
+visit the theatre, and arranging accordingly. Please be careful to
+direct the envelopes carefully and legibly, as I should be sorry that
+any carelessness on your part should lead to disagreeables over the
+matter. Indeed, as long as you keep me well supplied with the places I
+require on the Grand Tier, I _have no wish to be nasty_. But you know,
+from experience, it won't do to put my back up, and that rather than put
+an official spoke into your wheel, I would always prefer to receive your
+orders, and be able to sign myself, as I do now, Yours cordially,
+
+ JOHN BEGG.
+
+_From Same to Same, on receiving Apologetic and Explanatory Letter
+enclosing sixteen undated Stalls._
+
+  _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's
+  Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 4._
+
+Mr. BEGG wishes to know whether Mr. HARRIS takes him for a fool. Mr. B.
+particularly told Mr. H., that he wanted him to let him have the Queen's
+Box for six consecutive nights, _as he wished to give his_, Mr. B's.,
+_Tradesmen a treat_. How does Mr. H. think Mr. B. is going to manage
+that in suitable style, in sixteen undated Stalls! But perhaps Mr. H. is
+desirous of _provoking an Official Inspection_, and would like to be
+called on to provide a new set of dressing-rooms, a couple of
+iron-curtains, and be ordered to rebuild his Entrance Hall. Mr. B.
+merely throws this out as a hint, but would advise Mr. H. _if he wishes
+to keep out of trouble_, to despatch the demanded boxes, to the
+addresses already furnished him forthwith.
+
+The HOME SECRETARY said, that after giving the above specimens of
+correspondence his careful consideration, he could not say that he
+thought them particularly out of the way, but as there somehow seemed to
+be a general impression that they were, he supposed something ought to
+be done. He would think the matter over, and perhaps in the course of
+next summer he might possibly hit on some solution.
+
+The Deputation having thanked him, then withdrew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"ALL THE TALENTS."
+
+The _Graphic's_ big picture, representing "All the Talents" of Her
+Gracious MAJESTY'S reign grouped together in one tremendous crowd,
+directed apparently on their way down (ominous this!) by Sir JEM of the
+Academy, contains some of the best portraits that have appeared in any
+collective illustration. Each one of them separately would be entitled
+to a place in the splendid _Victoria Album_ recently issued by SMITH AND
+DOWNES, and to say this is saying a great deal. _The Graphic_
+Stage-Manager has grouped his characters most appropriately. On the
+extreme right of the spectator is Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A.,
+staring across at Sir JEM as if wondering why on earth the latter was
+taking so much authority into his own hands. The Baroness BURDETT COUTTS
+is well in front, evidently determined to get out first before the crush
+comes,--an idea that, apparently, has also simultaneously occurred to
+Messrs. CHAMBERLAIN, BROWNING, ELLEN TERRY, and Lords CHARLES BERESFORD,
+TENNYSON, SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, "our Mr. TENNIEL," Mrs. BANCROFT
+(without Mr. B., which accounts for the vacant space next to her, so
+perhaps he was late, or has politely gone to fetch Mrs. KENDAL, with
+whom he will appear in the millionth re-issue of this picture), H.E.
+Cardinal MANNING, apologising for accidentally treading on Madame
+PATTI'S dress (but it really couldn't be helped), who are all getting
+away as quickly as possible, either because Mr. SALA, up at the back, or
+Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (who is looking about for Mr. GILBERT) has shouted
+out, "Get on in front there!" Perhaps--ah!--they are all hurrying off to
+the Refreshment Room! Or going to stir the Christmas Pudding.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BOHN'S Standard Library is to be republished at a shilling a volume.
+This is indeed putting life in the dry Bohns.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
+whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
+will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
+Addressed Envelope Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
+exception.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+Alternative spellings retained.
+
+Punctuation normalized without comment.
+
+Italics denoted by underscores (_).]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+93, December 24, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40626 ***