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diff --git a/40626-0.txt b/40626-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..82f474b --- /dev/null +++ b/40626-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1379 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40626 *** + + PUNCH, + OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + + VOL. 93. + + DECEMBER 24, 1887 + + + THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + + FROM OLD MORALITY. + + "_Here comes a young fellow of excellent pith, + Fate tried to conceal him by naming him_ SMITH." + + _Henley, Saturday._ + + DEAR TOBY, AHOY! + +Where are _you_ bound? Haul on the bowline; brace up amidships; sling +your hammock; belay all hands and stand by ready to pounce. + +Excuse this little outburst. The fact is, I am about to cut for awhile +landlubber associations, and am going cruising in my _Pandora's_ box, or +rather berth. My sea lingo is getting a little rusty, so I practise it +wherever I have an opportunity, and thought you wouldn't mind my making +one with you. I am going off to spend Christmas and New Year's time at +Pau. You've heard of Pau, of course? I was first attracted to the place +by coming across the beautiful line from GOLDSMITH--or was it BACON? + + "Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau." + +I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and +have no sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau, +don't you know. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy +time of it during the Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about +being "on the pounce." It is all very well, but the attitude is one +which, preserved through successive nights, becomes exhausting. I have +had enough of it, and feel a strong desire to wander. The Pau is +wandering. Why should we not wander together, arm in arm as it were? +Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-scuppers; haul +round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helm hard down on +the South-West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enough on the +Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau. + +I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to +have it pretty stiff next Session. B-LF-R, who is getting more cocky +than ever, goes about comforting us with assurances that he will make +matters smooth. "Is there anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to +me only yesterday, with an annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone +of the Irish Members you would like put out of the way for the earliest +and freshest months of the Session? If so, name your man, and I'll +oblige you. I have got six of 'em lagged now, and there's a clear six +weeks before Parliament meets. It's amazing how we can smooth the way by +then." + +I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-LF-R for making +smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour +about that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and +that the Markiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in +private conversation with me, though he has not made any attempt to +disguise his conviction that he could take charge of the Army, the Navy, +the Home Office, the Board of Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now I come +to think of it, he may, in talking to G-SCH-N, leave out reference to +the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadership of the House of Commons, +and so with the others. I should certainly like to see him in my place +for a week, with GR-ND-LPH on the corner of the bench behind. It is true +that of late GR-ND-LPH has considerably flattened down. Having found +that impudence and caprice don't pay, he is going in for dulness and +respectability. But I fancy the sight of ARTH-R B-LF-R leading the +House, and trying to lead him, would be too much. The swept and +garnished place would be reoccupied, and his last state would be worse +than his first. B-LF-R can't very well send him to a plank bed, and will +have to make the best of him. + +I rather fancy GR-ND-LPH must know, or think he knows, something about +this little plot for promoting the nephew, which accounts for his latest +impertinence. "And what title do you mean to take when you go to the +House of Lords, H. W.?" he asked me the other day. (He always calls me +"H. W." which he thinks is an improvement upon DIZZY'S hesitation as to +the sequence of the initials.) "How would Baron BOOKSTALL suit?" he +added, trying to look harmless. That only shows the inherent vulgarity +which underlies the thin veneer of his sometime courtly manner. I never +forget what the Markiss once said about him. "Scratch R-ND-LPH +CH-RCH-LL," said he, "and you'll find TIM H-LY," which I thought at the +time was a little hard on T-M. + +You will not, I trust, dear TOBY, take it for granted that I am +contemplating a near removal to the House of Lords, if I confess that I +_have_ sometimes thought over the title I should assume if my duty to my +country led me to change my state. I belong, as you know, to one of the +oldest families among mankind. It's all very well for BR-SS-Y to talk +about coming over with the Conqueror. We came in with the Flood, or +shortly after. TUBAL CAIN, the founder of our family, was a century or +two before BOIS DE GUILBERT, FRONT-DE-BOEF, or even the SIEUR DE +BRESCI. What do you think of Lord TUBAL-CAIN? Would you recognise in +that stately and ermined peer, TUBAL-CAIN, of Henley, your old friend of +217, Strand? I wis not. But that, as GL-DST-NE says, belongs to the dim +and distant future. I beg to move that the question be now put. Oars! +Steady, there! Pull away! + + Yours, sheer off, + W. H. SM-TH. + + * * * * * + +ROSES IN DECEMBER. + +SIR,--Strange as it may appear to you, Sir, as a London playgoer, I had +never seen _The Two Roses_ till last night. How this "celebrated comedy" +ever acquired its celebrity is, I confess, beyond me, for the plot is +poor, and in the dialogue there is nothing quotable, though the phrase, +"a little cheque," forces itself on one's memory by frequent iteration. +You, Sir, saw it with its original cast, and I take it that a play of +this sort requires certain surroundings to insure its immediate success, +just as a rich joke, when deprived of its original accidental +accessories, is found to be a very poor joke, or no joke at all. This +play by Mr. ALBERY I should have thought would have been, as Dr. SAMUEL +JOHNSON might have said, Al-bery'd and forgotten long ago. Yet it +lives,--at all events, it has been revived. + +A Manager does not revive a piece which was not originally produced at +his theatre without some pretty good reason for so doing. He must, at +least, be fairly confident of its attractive powers as, at all events, a +remunerative stop-gap; and I am informed that this piece has been +revived, once before, by Mr. HENRY IRVING at the Lyceum. This is ancient +history to you, Sir. After the revival, and the unwonted exercise of a +long run (did it have a long run?), I should have supposed that there +could not have been much life left in it. Yet apparently there is. The +acting is, on the whole, good, and some of it very good. WILLIAM FARREN, +one of the best of English players, makes all that is to be made (as it +seems to me, who did not see Mr. IRVING) out of _Digby Grand_, Mr. +GIDDENS is an excellent blind _Caleb_ (a very clever actor must be Mr. +GIDDENS), and Mr. DAVID JAMES simply is "Our Mr. JENKINS." MAUDE MILLETT +is pretty and graceful, and the whole entertainment entertaining. But +still, how it ever became a celebrated comedy-- + + "Well, that I cannot tell," said he, + "But _t'was_ a famous Comedy." + +And by crammed houses it is, I hear, being fully appreciated. Indeed, I +should only say, judging by this Criterion on the night I was present, +it is in for another long run. Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. + + * * * * * + +SHAKSPEARE UP AGAIN.--A Baconian writes to ask if there isn't sufficient +proof of SHAKSPEARE'S affinity to BACON in Ham let alone? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WORTH CULTIVATING.] + + * * * * * + +_Ex-Premier sings_:-- + + My name's WILLIAM GLADSTONE, I live at fair Harwarden, + I'm Welshman at heart; this gold-find in North Wales + At the Gwynfynydd Mine I do trust will bring fortune + To all who are born 'midst these mountains and vales. + Yes, indeed, and all places, though foreign and beautiful, + This brave little country I prize far above; + For indeed in my heart I do love the Principality, + And you, JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love. + + For fifty long years I've ploughed Politics' ocean, + And served my full time in the gallant State-ship; + And indeed, goodness knows, I've braved many engagements, + And many dark storms 'twixt the cup and the lip, + I've tried all the parties now, Tory, Whig, Radical, + Smiled on each in its turn, as to win me each strove; + But I said in my heart, little Wales I love chiefly, + And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love! + + I agree with PARNELL, and the Lord Mayor of Dublin, + In loving fair Erin, of Islands the Queen; + And having worn Blue, Buff, and Red in succession, + I can't see much harm in now wearing the Green. + But not e'en Hibernia, the sweet and the sorrowful, + Like you, my dear charmer, my passion can move; + For, indeed, in my heart I love "gallant little Wales," I do; + And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love! + + I parted long since from the home of my fathers, + And then JENNY JONES was a dowerless lass; + But now I'm a grey and storm-beaten old mariner, + To wealth, she, through brave PRITCHARD-MORGAN, shall pass. + May Gold--and Home Rule--bring you wealth and contentment, + And ne'er from my Party, my dear, may you rove: + For indeed in our hearts we all love Wales tremendously, + And you, JENNY JONES, dear, till death will I love! + + [_Left philandering._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHERE ARE THE POLICE?!" + +MRS. HOWTHDOWN AND HER DAUGHTERS, WHO ARE IN TOWN FOR THE CATTLE-SHOW, +ARE DISGUSTED BY THE AGGRESSIVE VULGARITY OF THE LONDON STREET-BOY, AND +THINK IT OUGHT TO BE "PUT A STOP TO"! + +_Juvenile Baked Potato Vendor (to Crossing-Sweeper)._ "'SAY, BILL, 'ERE +Y'ARE! THEM'LL BE FUST AND SECOND PRIZE, AND 'IGHLY COMMENDED!!"] + + * * * * * + +A VISIT TO "THE LICENSED VISTLERS." + +In the Winter Exhibition of the Royal Society of British Artists, who, +under their distinguished President, JAMES MCNEILE WHISTLER, may now be +known as the "Licensed Vistlers," there is some good work, and +especially two sketches, 77, 83, and 335, by JAMES HAYLLAR, R.B.A.; 319, +by H. G. GLINDON, R.B.A.; SIMMONS'S "_Sunrise_," 330; SOLOMON'S; 454, +Professor GARTZ (pretty subject); 458, by HENLEY, R.B.A.; 466, by +WALTERS, R.B.A. + +There is a remarkable picture of, apparently, A Serious Masher, which +turns out to be a portrait of Mr. WILLARD, the actor who so cleverly +impersonates modern stage villains as to be known as "Willinous +WILLARD," by SIDNEY STARR, R.B.A. Artistic STARR painting Theatrical +Star; quite right. No. 293 is a sorry sight--the picture of a nice +portly young man trying to look like Lord ROSEBERY, but with the dye +coming off his hair in evident patches. Very clever effect this, by +THEODORE ROUSSEL, R.B.A. + +Go and see No. 341, by WILLIAM STOTT, of Oldham, R.B.A.,--a name that +sounds quite Shakspearian, like "Goodman Puff of Barson,"--and give +yourself three guesses at what W. S. of Oldham means by it. It +represents a very carotty-haired young woman, looking pale as a +turnip--"white flesh," as the gardeners say--taking a bathe in the sea +when no one is looking, and where police regulations are not in force. +She is so tallowy in face and flesh colour, and her hair so flaming red, +that the title might be, "_A 'Dip' in the Sea_." Well, this is WILLIAM +STOTT of Oldham's "_Venus_;" and if you'll turn to No. 183, you will see +the same young person, looking none the better for her bath, clothed, +with carrots dressed, and neatly bound up, sitting pensively +_chez-elle_, probably regretting her recent escapade, and hoping that no +one has seen her. Little does she know that WILLIAM STOTT of Oldham has +stotted her down in his note-book. 326, "_Hard Hit_," by R. J. GORDON, +R.B.A., is clever; but the meaning of its title, as illustrated by a +weeping woman flinging herself across the knees of a drunken-looking +man, is not quite clear. Has he hit her hard, and is that why she is so +distressed? or has his head received a nasty thwack, as indicated by the +white hat, lying on the table, twisted out of all shape? + +At the end of the Catalogue is printed a list of the prices, from which +it will be seen what value the artists themselves set on their own +pictures. The President of the Licensed Vistlers exhibits only twenty +pictures, sixteen of which have no price affixed to them in the list, +and are therefore evidently gems, and priceless. + + * * * * * + +Founded on Fact. + +A large lot of ornithologists assembled the other day at Mr. J. C. +STEVENS'S Auction Rooms to attend the sale of an egg of the Great Auk--a +seafowl, 'ARRY, not a falcon. Great Auks' eggs are precious. This one +was knocked down to an enthusiastic gentleman for 160 guineas. Some +years ago two eggs of a Great Auk, sold, of course, by auktion, fetched, +respectively, 100 and 200 guineas, although both broken, and that before +they were knocked down. Surely the Great Auk must have been the original +bird signified in tradition under the name of the legendary goose that +laid the golden eggs. + + * * * * * + +The Premier of the French Cabinet may be well described as "_Nulli +Secundus_." He is second to nobody, for the President is Nobody--to +speak of. + + * * * * * + +FURNISHING FICTIONISTS. + +In the _Atalanta Magazine_, for this month, (which by its title, should +be ahead of all competitors until the _homme à la pomme_ appears) Mr. +WALTER BESANT has an article "On the writing of Novels," in which he +offers his advice to young girls afflicted with irrepressible +scribblemania,--_i.e._ "girls who try to write stories, and burn to +write novels,"--as to the best and easiest means of attaining their +object. _Advice gratis_ is, as we all know, of the gratis't value, and +Mr. BESANT offers his two penn'orth-of-"all-sorts and conditions," to +embryonic authoresses, but had _Mr. Punch_ been dealing with these dear +little literary aspirants, he would have simply repeated his world-famed +epigrammatic advice to "persons about to marry," and said, most +unequivocally, to girls about to write novels--"Don't." Not so Mr. +BESANT, who proceeds to lay down rules for those "who wish to acquire +the art of fiction." He commences with, "_Practise writing, something +original everyday_,"--"_Cultivate the habit of observation_," and so on, +in good old-fashioned copy-book style. + +We will assist him with some rules for those to whom Mr. W. BESANT gives +this advice: "Be bold: never mind ridicule," ... "State fairly, what +ordinary people never understand, that Fiction, like Painting, is an +Art, and that you are setting yourself to the acquisition of that Art, +if it be in your power, whatever may come of it in the end." + +Very good. Now here is, as the Cookery books have it, "Another and a +shorter way." + +_To acquire the Art of Fiction._--Clearly understand that Fiction is the +opposite of Fact. If you invariably state facts, you become a +matter-of-fact sort of person. No Genius is a matter-of-fact sort of +person. So to "acquire the Art of Fiction," _you must never tell the +truth. Practice telling some original lie every day._ If it be a +description of scenery--well, this offers a large field--several large +fields. Give an account to your relatives, or to your friends at a +distance of the walk you have taken in the morning. First of all, of +course, to be quite perfect, _you must not have been out of the house_. +You will then proceed to describe the roaring Waterfalls over which you +leaped, your hairbreadth escapes, &c., &c., and always remember that, as +Mr. BESANT says, "description is not slavish enumeration." + +RULE I.--_Tell a lie._ RULE II.--_Don't stick to it, but tell another, +and a bigger one._ Pile 'em up, and thus at last you may become an +unrivalled Fictionist. + +RULE III.--"_Work regularly, at certain hours._" Ascertain the time the +Lark rises, and be up with it. Always be up to time, and to any amount +of Larks. Let everybody in the house know you're at work. Sing as the +Lark does, and be joyous. Insist on your room being fitted up for +work,--at your parents' expense, of course,--with writing-desk, silver +inkstand, paper, pens, a library of books, &c., and you must let it be +distinctly understood by everyone that you are "not to be disturbed on +any account," as you are going in for being a Fictionist. + +RULE IV.--"Read no Rubbish," says Mr. BESANT. But this is what every +author would say, making certain exceptions. But we should say, "_Read +Everything_." _Then begin to write._ Here is an example: say you read +_Pickwick_. Well, you _write_ a book called _Nikpik_, a Russian story, +plot in St. Petersburg, characters, _Nikpik_, _Kinkel_, _Grazsnod_, and +_Putmann_. You represent a sporting scene where _Putmann_, with his eyes +shut, kills a bird, and afterwards _Kinkel_ wounds _Putmann_. "Hullo," +says the reader, "uncommonly like _Pickwick_, and writes impetuously and +indignantly to papers. Whereupon, you write in reply, saying "it may be +so: _les grands esprits se rencontrent_: but that you have never heard +of _Pickwick_, much less read it." By this time everyone will allow that +you are entitled to be regarded as the greatest Fictionist of the age. + +Other rules Mr. BESANT gives, for which anyone sufficiently interested +in detecting the errors of his advice _gratis_, may search the _Atalanta +Magazine_ with considerable profit to himself (or herself) especially if +he reads _A Christmas Carol_, by CHRISTINA G. ROSSETTI, and one tail of +_Three Lions_, by that undefeated Fictionist, Mr. RIDER HAGGARD. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_Palindromes_, by G. R. CLARKE, is a series of cruelly ingenious verbal +cranks--"cranks" seems to be the word, since they are neither quips, +quirks, puns, nor jests, consisting of sentences so arranged that, read +backwards or forwards, they are precisely the same. An example of this +is, "_Was it a rat I saw?_" The illustrations are comically amateurish, +and amateurishly comic, but one of the best, "_Selim smiles_," is rather +in the early Thackerayan style of pictorial art. The palindromical +amusement will probably develop itself, as the acrostic family has done, +and we shall soon be reading in "Answers to Correspondents" that their +puzzle is referred to in "The Palindromical Editor." The little book is +published, as any experienced joker in Scotland might have guessed, by +Messrs. BRYCE AND SONS, Glasgow, and if you buy it, "Bang goes a +shilling." + +Approbation from _Mr. Punch_ is praise indeed, and where he has given +his favourable opinion of any book, it immediately attracts the public +attention, and goes to any number of editions. So has it chanced with +_Frith's Recollections_, which has now reached its third edition; and +once _Mr. Punch_ spoke well of the Jubilee Edition of _Pickwick_, which +has now been re-issued with some of the original sketches by "BUSS,"--to +many it will be a surprise that _Mr. Pickwick_ ever took a buss, except +under the mistletoe at Dingley Dell,--which are fairly clever, though +one of them, the cricketing scene, might have been omitted without +damaging the artistic character of the republication. There is a sketch +by JOHN LEECH, illustrating the moment in the _Bagman's Story_ when the +old arm-chair wakes up _Tom Smart_, and assumes the form and features of +a gouty, but wickedly sly, old gentleman, which alone is "worth all the +money." It is a real Christmas picture; and indeed a small volume of +_Tales from Pickwick_, illustrated by fanciful and humorous artists, +would make a capital Christmas Book of the good old Dickensian sort. +_Mr. Punch_ has given the hint: _fiat!_ + +By the way, I see an advertisement of a book quoting opinions of the +Press as to its being "the funniest book of the present reign." Heavens! +It is only necessary to mention _Pickwick_, which is replete with such +real fun, as makes the reader roar with laughter irrepressible, besides +being full of genuine humour. BARON DE BOOK WORMS. + + * * * * * + +"I believe," said Mrs. R.'S nephew, meditatively, "that Paris will have +a 'Directory' again." "Why not?" retorted Mrs. RAM. "Why shouldn't Paris +have a Directory? London has--_Kelly's Directory_--and most useful it +is!" + + * * * * * + +THE LAY OF LAWRENCE MOOR! + +A TRUE STORY. + + Four brave men set sail from Whalsey, + In their open fishing-smack, + Four strong fellows left the Shetlands, + Only one at last came back. + Hearken how the wind is howling, + Close the curtains; shut the door, + Whilst I tell the splendid story + Of a sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR! + + Never yet has such a tempest, + Screamed around the Shetland homes, + Dealing death and devastation + Where the northern sailor roams. + Snow and hail in blinding fury, + Swept o'er forest, field and lea, + Deaf seemed Heaven to the praying + For the brave men out at sea! + + Far at sea! four plucky fellows + Bending back and straining oar, + Hidden each from each in tempest, + That had blotted out the shore! + All at once the skipper steering, + Cheering, shouting--look ahead! + Heard a moan, his best companion + Fell in arms of duty--dead! + + "For the love of home and Heaven, + Brave it out as I will do." + Shouts above the storm, the skipper, + Rallying his fainting crew, + "Let us pray, lads, all together, + Heaven may save us! Who can tell!" + But the prayer was scarcely uttered, + When another sailor fell! + + Two brave men--were left in silence-- + Whispering with shortened breath, + "Don't desert your pal," says LAWRENCE, + "Let us have it out with Death! + God has strength to still the waters, + We have pluck to keep afloat." + But the last man with a murmur, + Fell exhausted in the boat. + + "ANDREW! Laddie!"--Death don't answer. + "TOM, old pal!" the faintest sigh, + "Left me all alone then, have ye? + Well _I_ don't intend to die!" + Then he thought of home and children, + Back came mirrored waves of sin! + One lone man midst dead and dying, + Felt the water rushing in! + + One hand on the oar to steer her, + One hand free to hoist the sail, + When he called--no mate to answer, + Sinking now--no boy to bail; + Toiling hour on hour exhausted, + Captain of a ghastly bier! + Till at last the tempest lifted, + And he sighted Lerwick Pier. + + Home at last! the plucky sailor, + Home to children and to wife, + Home half dead to claim the honour, + That he'd saved _one_ brother's life, + Death defied! they found him kneeling, + Humbly on his cottage floor, + But they'll pass to time the story, + Of that Sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR! + + * * * * * + +IN THE NICK OF TIME.--His Excellency, the Chinese Minister, LEW CHUI +FUN, has left London for Paris, to present his credentials to President +CARNOT. At this festive season of Merry Christmas, Frenchmen of all +parties in politics will welcome such an Opportunist as FUN. + + * * * * * + +Shortly to be published, _The Life of Sims Reeves_, compiled from his +own notes. + + * * * * * + +PICCADILLY PLAYERS. + +[Illustration] + +A few evenings since, I assisted at a Members' Concert in Piccadilly, +where a very fair exhibition of Amateur Musical talent was displayed by +the "Strolling Players." The vocal part of the entertainment was +especially good, thanks to the really charming singing of the Misses +AGNES JANSON and HAMLIN. The geniuses in the Orchestra who are for all +time, and any tune, managed occasionally to get a little out of hand in +spite of Mr. NORFOLK MEGONE'S earnest conductorship. Taken all round, +"The First Members' Concert" was so good that I should not have the +smallest objection to attending the Second. + +_The Ancient Mariner_ with Mr. J. F. BARNETT'S brilliant music at St. +James's Hall last Thursday night, held entranced a large audience which +listened "like a three ears child" ("Had I three ears I'd hear thee," +says _Macbeth_. Did COLERIDGE write SHAKSPEARE?--however, this has +nothing much to do with the _cantata_, and so on we goes again)--so "the +Mariner hath his Will" (which is almost conclusive evidence that +COLERIDGE'S _Mariner_ was written by WILL SHAKSPEARE) and we were all +delighted. I hadn't a book. Who was ALBERT ROSS that the _Mariner_ shot? +Madame PATEY sang "_O Sleep, it is a Genteel Thing!_" (I think these +were the words) with great feeling and expression. Beautiful idea, +"sleep a genteel thing!" Somebody told me I was wrong, and that the poet +wrote, "_O Sleep, it is a Gentle Thing!_" which anybody could have said, +without being a poet. So I prefer my own version. The recitative +(SANTLEY) and chorus (Everybody), about "the coming wind did roar," and +something (I didn't catch what) was "like a sledge," and "the Moon was +on its side and then upon its edge," which sounds just what a harvest +moon would do after a good day's harvesting, were excellent. + +Then followed Mr. C. V. STANFORD'S Symphony in F Minor, "_The Irish_" as +my neighbour informed me, to which I replied, "Oh, indeed!" and +appeared, as I hope, much interested; though what he meant I haven't the +smallest idea. Who was my neighbour?--a very learned person who kept on +drawing my attention to the excellent instrumentation, and the admirable +use which the Composer had made of his "strings"--I didn't see that he +had any "strings," but I said, "Ah, yes,"--his "Wood-wind and Horns." +"Just observe his horns!" said my neighbour enthusiastically. He spoke +of Mr. C. V. STANFORD as if he were drawing the portrait of Ancient +Nicholas, as portrayed by CRUIKSHANK when illustrating _The Lay of S. +Médard_, in the _Ingoldsby Legends_. A Composer with Strings, Wood-wind +("comest thou with blasts from----" &c., as BACONSPEARE hath it) and +"horns" is the man to write a _cantata_ entitled "Herne the Hunter," and +I am not at all sure that there isn't a _Herne_ already in existence, +and that that Herne isn't His'n. After a pause (during which the +orchestra continued playing) my neighbour begged me to notice that now +the theme was, "Remember the glories of O'BRIEN the Brave," but at this +point not wishing to enter into a political discussion which might have +landed me in the police-station, I courteously, but firmly, wished him +good night, and having signified to everybody generally the extreme +pleasure I had derived from the entertainment provided by the Messrs. +NOVELLO AND EWER, I gracefully withdrew, and am, No Fellow, but Ewers +truly, THE CRICKET ON THE HARP. + +P.S.--_À propos_ of music, I cannot refrain from mentioning the +gathering of the _élite_ who recently collected together to do honour to +the talents of Mrs. DUTTON COOK. Madame ALBANI was in great force, and +the fair _bénéficiaire_ played with her customary grace and artistic +feeling, eliciting the invariable result of unbounded applause. It is to +be greatly regretted that the Public have not the opportunity of hearing +Mrs. DUTTON COOK more frequently. She is certainly in the first rank of +pianists and a sound musician. + + * * * * * + +"I hear," said Mrs. RAM, "that the Princess CHRISTIAN has written about +the _Margarine of Baireuth_. I like to hear of Royalty interesting +themselves in such matters. However," she added, "of course, they know +which side their Bread's buttered, and like the butter, whether at home +or abroad--that is, here or at Baireuth--to be of the very best. So do +I." + + * * * * * + +"THE CRAMOPHONE."--New invention for repeating any number of crams over +and over again. Useful to advertisers, quacks, &c., &c. + + * * * * * + +TOO CLEVER BY HALF. + + "Out of every thousand men in the Army there are now 815 of superior + education.... H.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commander-in-Chief has + directed Officers to use every means at their disposal to induce men + to improve their education in order to obtain the certificate + necessary for promotion."--_Daily Paper._ + +SCENE--_The Barrack Square of the Royal Irish Bengal Essex Highlanders +(Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein's Own). Members of the Regiment +assembling for Morning Parade. A Company falling in._ + +_Captain Dash (commanding A Company)._ Ready for inspection, Sergeant? + +_Sergeant Babington Macaulay (saluting)._ Directly, Sir. I have called +away the men from a discussion on the question of entail. + +_Captain_. Dear me! You should not have done that. I shall be only too +ready to assist them by any means in my power. + +_Sergeant._ Well, Sir, they are now in close order. If you wish, I will +open them out. (_Captain nods assent. To men._) Open order! [_Flank +files rear rank step back two paces._ + +_Corporal (dressing flank files)._ Steady! + +_Sergeant._ March! (_Remainder of rear rank step back._) Order arms! +Stand at ease! [_He salutes_ Captain, _and comes to attention_. + +_Captain._ 'Tention! (_Company springs up to desired position._) Now, my +men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of +Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a +University can take a pace to the front. March! (_The entire Company +complies._) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant? + +_Sergeant._ Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company, +although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H +Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best +read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment. + +_Captain._ Well, what is the difficulty? Call out the man who started +the subject. Perhaps I may be able to help him. + +_Sergeant (salutes and turns to Company)._ Private THOMAS ATKINS take +three paces to your front. March! Now then, salute, Sir! (_Aside._) This +extra education makes them rusty with their drill. + +_Captain._ Well, Private ATKINS, can I help you at all? + +_Private Atkins (touching his rifle with his right hand)._ A thousand +thanks, Sir, for your extreme kindness and courtesy. Still I cannot +fairly monopolise all your attention, as I was only one of many desirous +of learning a little law. + +_Captain._ I suppose you know all about the Feudal System? + +_Private (smiling)._ I can safely undertake to say that there is not a +man in the Company who does not appreciate its provisions. + +_Captain._ Quite so. Well, the practice of entail is founded more or +less on the Feudal System. You understand the advantages and +disadvantages of Primogeniture? + +_Private._ Certainly, Sir. I suppose Borough English was rather before +the time of the Norman Conquest? + +_Captain._ I imagine so: but perhaps the best way will be for you all to +come to my quarters, where I can explain the matter more fully to you +than I can here. I have no doubt the Colonel will excuse the Company, if +I inform him for what purpose we propose absenting ourselves. At any +rate I will ask him. + +_Private._ A million thanks, Sir. I am sure every man in the Company +will be grateful to you. + +_Sergeant._ Right about turn! Quick march! Halt! Front! Shoulder arms! + +_Captain._ Stand them easy while I go away. (Sergeant _obeys order, and_ +Captain _approaches and salutes_ Colonel.) Beg pardon, Sir, but may I +march my Company to my quarters to give them a lecture on law? + +_Colonel (rather querulously)._ Well, DASH, of course I'm not going to +say No; but it really is rather rough upon me. Here B Company has got +permission to study botany, C Company the elements of engineering, D, F, +and G chemistry. I shall be left with H Company, because they have +nothing more to learn. What on earth shall I give them to do if you are +off too? + +_Captain._ Wouldn't presume to suggest, Sir; but mightn't H have a +little practice in the rudiments of drill? + +_Colonel._ By Jove, you are right! They are rusty enough! Very well, you +may go. + +[_Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards_ Captain DASH'S +_quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into +something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction +in the mysteries of "fours_." + + * * * * * + +A CIRCULAR NOTE.--The literary character of our leading statesmen of all +shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They +are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr. +GLADSTONE and Mr. BALFOUR are by this time past-masters. Long may they +live--and learn. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE IRREVOCABLE PAST! + + "This is truth the Poet sings, + That a sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things!" + +"ALAS! IN LOOKING BACK OVER ONE'S LIFE, HOW MANY THINGS THERE ARE TO +CAUSE ONE TO REGRET!" + +"OH, YES, INDEED! I OFTEN REGRET I DIDN'T EAT MORE OYSTERS WHEN THEY +WERE EIGHTPENCE A DOZEN!"] + + * * * * * + +THE CHIMES. + +(_Dickens once again adapted to the Season and the Situation._) + +High up in the steeple of an old old Tower, of ancient foundation, +somewhat incongruous and complicated in design, but of sound +Constitution--as _everybody_, even the angriest campanological +opponents, admitted--far above the light and the noise of the town, if +far below the flying clouds that shadow it, dwelt the Chimes I tell of. + +They were old Chimes, trust me. Centuries ago those Bells had been hung +by our ancestors, so many centuries ago, that the register of their +first suspension, the record of their first peal, was lost in +antiquarian mist as impenetrable as the darkness of the belfry corners +on a starless November night. They had had their donors and sponsors, +these Bells; but time had mowed down their donors, and mislaid the names +of their sponsors, and they now hung nameless and dateless, but sound +and sonorous still, in that high old Tower, time-worn but steadfast and +four-square to all winds, Party or otherwise, that have blown or that +shall blow. + +Not speechless though. Far from it. They had clear, loud, lusty, +sounding voices, had these Bells; and far and wide they might be heard +upon the wind. Much too sturdy Chimes, moreover, were they, to be +dependent upon the mere pleasure of the wind, of any of the winds--Party +or otherwise--aforementioned. They had been pulled at by many +generations of ringers, pulled at sometimes skilfully, often awkwardly +and ill; sometimes in tune, and with the well-ordered harmony which was +natural to them; sometimes again, wildly and wilfully, by incompetent or +angry ringers, ringers ill-matched and ill-accordant, who did their +worst to mar their melody, and spoil their tunefulness, and upset their +time, and make them sound, in the great Singer's words:-- + + "Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune, and harsh." + +But the fault was ever less in the Bells than in the Bell-ringers. +Cracked were they not, nor were they cacophonous; let their clappers +swing free, and keep their throats unrusted and unclogged, and in +skilled, and loyal, and well-conducted hands, they would ever sound out +strongly and sweetly, and send forth on and against the wildest and +angriest of the winds aforesaid, most excellent and inspiring music. + + * * * * * + +_Toby_ knew them well, those Bells, as did his great and genial Master. +_Toby_ was not a canine casuist. Being but a simple and loyal dog, he +invested them with a strange and solemn character. They were so +mysterious and mighty; often heard, and never seen; so high up, so far +off, and so full of such a deep, strong melody, that he regarded them +with a species of awe; and sometimes when he looked up at the dark +arched windows in the tower, he half expected to be beckoned to by +something which was not a Bell, and yet was what he had heard so often +sounding in the Tower, the Spirit, namely, of Loyalty and Love, of +Honour and of Home. For all this, _Toby_ scouted with doggish +disdain--being, like his Master, as sensible as loyal--a certain +occasionally flying rumour that the Chimes were haunted, as implying the +possibility of their being connected with any Evil thing. And _Toby_--no +unlicked cub, but a considerate, composed old dog,--never puppyishly +barked at the Bells. He would as soon have thought of baying the moon. + +But he often had occasion to yap, warningly or reprovingly, at the +Bell-ringers! + + * * * * * + +Bow-wow-wow! It was the voice of _Toby_. It meant not, this time, either +warning or reproof; rather amicable acknowledgment, and just a little +surprise. Not fear, oh, no! not fear. + +A Voice--was it a vision-voice, or the accents of the biggest of +the Bells, or was it, perchance, the veritable Voice of Time +himself, naturally and fitly vocal and audible at this particular +Season?--sounded strangely through the shadowy belfry. Thus it seemed to +speak, in words curiously pertinent to the moment, though _Toby_ seemed +to have heard them before in other connection and in other +circumstances. + +[Illustration: THE CHIMES. + +MR. PUNCH. "NOW THEN, MY LADS! ALL TOGETHER FOR ONCE!--CHRISTMAS TIME, +YOU KNOW!!"] + +"The Voice of Time cries to Man, Advance! Time is for his advancement +and improvement; for his greater worth, his greater happiness, his +better life; his progress onward to that goal within its knowledge and +its view, and set there in the period when Time and he began. Ages of +darkness, wickedness, and violence have come and gone--millions +uncountable have suffered, loved, and died--to point the way before him. +Who seeks to turn him back, or stay him in his course, arrests a mighty +engine which will strike the meddler dead, and be the fiercer and the +wilder, ever, for its momentary check!" + +"A rub for the reactionaries!" mused _Toby_. + +"Who puts into the mouth of Time, or of its servants, a cry of +lamentation for days which have had their trial and their failure, and +have left deep traces of it which the blind may see--a cry that only +serves the present time, by showing men how much it needs their help +when any ears can listen to regrets for such a past--who does this does +us wrong." + +"A flout for our Fair-Traders!" thought _Toby_. + +"Who hears in us, the Chimes, one note bespeaking disregard, or stern +regard, of any hope, or joy, or sorrow, of the many-sorrowed throng; who +hears us make response to any creed that gauges human passions and +affections, as it gauges the amount of miserable food on which humanity +may pine and wither, does us wrong." + +"What would the contemners of the people's claims, the deriders of the +people's miseries, make of _that_, I wonder?" meditated _Toby_. + +"Who hears us echo the dull vermin of the earth, the Putters Down of +crushed and broken natures, formed to be raised up higher than such +maggots of the time can crawl or can conceive, does us wrong." + +"Pity the shriekers for unlimited Suppression can't hear _this_!" +cogitated _Toby_. + + * * * * * + +_Bow-wow-wow!_ Again it was the voice of _Toby_. This time it did mean +warning, if not reproof. Not anger exactly; anger alone is scarce suited +to the Christmas season. + +The Bell-ringers were going it. With plenty of energy, unquestionably, +but with scarcely as much discretion as might be desired. A rather mixed +lot. Each one individually an excellent hand at the rope, no doubt. +Evergreen WILL, of the leonine front, and flying silvery whisps of hair! +Black-a-vised BOB, of the broad shoulders and resolute tug. Stolid, but +sturdy HARTY, of the firmly-planted feet and granite grip! Fiery though +mild-featured JOACHIM; sombre, smug-faced, but enthusiastic JOHN! Last, +though perhaps hardly least (in his own estimation, at all events), +rattling RANDOLPH, light-weight, none too firm of footing, but full of +dash, and game to attempt a triple bob-major all by himself. + +"_Pull_ away, BOB," cried impetuous WILL, eagerly. + +"Steady, WILL!" exclaimed Black-a-vised BOB, sardonically. + +"Keep time, for goodness sake, JOHN," said accurate JOACHIM. + +"Want your bell to be heard above all the rest!" murmured sombre JOHN. + +"Are you trying to hang yourself, or pull the belfry down, RANDOLPH," +muttered stolid HARTY, beneath his moustache. + +"Oh, confound it; I could lick the lot of you!" shouted little RANDOLPH, +tugging tremendously at his rope, and fairly carried off his feet by the +recoil. + +"_Bow-wow-wow!_" barked _Toby_. + +"Right, my dog!" said his Master. "Good Bell-ringing, my boys, requires +combination and subordination, unity of purpose as well as union of +powers. A bull-like power of pull is not enough, or, by Jove! you'd all +be crack campanologists. Come, Gentlemen, a Christmas Carillon at least +should not be all cacaphonous crash and clatter. All together, my lads, +_for once_; or, rather, keep time, and touch, and tune, with due regard +to the perfection of the peal and the credit of the glorious old +Chimes!" + + * * * * * + +IN THEIR CRACKERS. + +_The Czar._--A brand-new map of the Balkan States with Prince BISMARCK'S +best compliments. + +_The Emperor of Austria._--A satisfactory explanation of recent Russian +Military movements, with the CZAR'S kindest regards. + +_Prince Bismarck._--German Security by arrangement, with the seasonable +wishes of the Five Great Powers. + +_President Carnot._--A Ministry that will last him a fortnight with the +good will of the two Chambers. + +_Lord Salisbury._--"A Hundred New Ways of Governing Ireland by +Coercion." Christmas Edition. + +_Mr. O'Brien._--An Emerald-coloured Tweed suit, in which to sing by +himself on Christmas Eve, "_The Wearing of the Green_." + +_Mr. Chamberlain._--A very pretty kettle of fish, daintily and +appropriately decorated with Canadian mottoes. + +_Mr. Gladstone._--The Donnybrook Fair Suit, "with Shillelagh complete," +as advertised, done up in a neat parcel and addressed to him with the +compliments of "the Party." + + * * * * * + +A LEARNED PROTEST. + + RESPECTISSIME PUNCHI! + +Tu habes admissum, olim, Latinas litteras in tuis columnis. Memini unum +TOMMIUM scribentem de Etone (istâ super-ratâ scholâ) et nunc forsitan +accipies hanc contributionem antiqui Westminsterensis? Semper ego +auditor tantum (JUVENALIS) quum nobilis ars Latinorum versorum est +attacta? Non pro JOSEPHO! Volo nunc intrare meam protestationem contra +aliqua verba Baronis BRAMWELL, alterâ die. + +[Illustration: _Facilis ascensus Parnassi sed revocare gradum._ + +"It's very easy to be a Poet, but you must have recourse to your +gradus."] + +Baro dixit (Anglicè, quia, imagino, non noscit Latinum) ut "he never got +any good from the Latin verses he was obliged to write when a boy, and +if a boy is to be made a poet, he had better begin in his own language." +Dixit quoque, "it may be knowledge to know the names of those who killed +BECKET (_sic_), and the precise date, but it is not wisdom or useful." +(Quare, viâ, "BECKET," et non "Sanctus TOMMIUS À BECKET, proprium nomen? +Quid cheekum! Vel forte dicerem, quæ bucca! Vocabimusne Baronem BRAMWELL +in futuro "BRAMWELL" simpliciter; vel, ut omittit "à," potius "BRAM'L"?) + +Quoto has Philistinas deliverationes de "Tempora," et Editor "Temporum" +propriissime scribit, "We should for our part (pro nostrâ portione) +venture to doubt whether some of Lord BRAMWELL'S (peto veniam, BRAM'L'S) +remarkable keenness of mind is not to be accounted for by the drilling +which his Latin verses gave him--by the habit of twisting and turning +(habitus contorquendi et vertendi) and adjusting thoughts and phrases +which that old-fashioned exercise implies." Bene! + +Sum ipse nunc Undergraduatus, et abandonavi Classicas linguas pro +Scientiâ. Sed retineo meum Latinum--ut tu vides--et invenio id facile +esse excellens in chemicis odoribus et in CICERONE simul. + +Cogito ut Britannicus Publicus debet noscere _quam multum bonum_ Latini +versus sunt ad pueros. + +1. Imprimis, illi ducunt ad usum _Gradûs ad Parnassum_; et, interrogo, +quis liber potest comparare cum eo vel in elegantiâ styli, vel in +copiositate verborum, vel in vero genio auctoris? Sum inclinatus +cogitare ut auctor erat, in realitate, BACONIUS ipse; et si ita, id est +alium exemplum quomodo Latini versus auxiliant homines scandere ad +nobilissimas positiones in Statu. + +2. Secundo loco, docent fraternum amorem inter pueros; quia quum unus +socius est stumpatus pro verbo, alius donat illi correctum tippum, sub +rosâ. + +3. Tertium quid (non _quid_ tobacconis!--Vide effectum, "habitûs +contorquendi et vertendi"!)--Versus elevant mentem, et associant nos cum +grandibus auctoribus præteriti, ut OVIDIO, TIBULLO, et CAREYO. Quomodo +possum noscere, nisi per "Gradum," ut _Amor_ est "dulcis, blandus, +jucundus, suavis," et eodem tempore "flagrans, acer, fervidus, +indomitus, vigilans," etc.? + +4. Quarto, discimus synonymos, sic utiles ad publicos homines (non +homines _publicanos_, intelligis! "Habitus contorquendi" iterum). Si +Magister GLADSTONE non fecisset Latinos versus ut juvenis, non posset +nunc donare viginti differentia nomina pro unâ re. + +Finaliter, si Latini versus sunt missi ad Jerichonem, _ubi erit Ludus +Westminsterensis_ in futuro? Nullum alium argumentum est necessarium. + + Maneo tuus, ANTI-BRAMWELLIUS ACADEMICUS. + + * * * * * + +A Correspondent draws _Mr. Punch's_ attention to an advertisement in a +Cheltenham paper, from which this is an extract:-- + + "QUINCE JAM.--Prepared from Quinces, supposed by many to be the + 'Forbidden Fruit.' This hitherto almost unknown luxury is much + appreciated by those who have tried it." + +Hasn't the enterprising and, of course, very old-established firm which +advertises this luxury any recommendation in writing from "The fairest +of her daughters," EVE? If so, let them produce the papyrus. + + * * * * * + +The last Christmas Cards to arrive, are TAYLOR FOOT'S "Merry Thoughts," +&c., from Poland Street,--they're behind time; so very slow a-foot in +coming. As practical jokes, the mince-pie cards are uncommonly good, and +indeed the sham may be substituted for the real, by a mince pi-ous fraud +allowable at Christmas time. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL. + +_Grandpapa._ "AH, JOHNNY! THERE ARE FEW BETTER THINGS THAN IRISH STEW!" + +_Johnny._ "WHAT ARE THE FEW BETTER THINGS, GRANDPA?"] + + * * * * * + +UNEMPLOYED. + +_A Christmas Carol for the Comfortable Classes._ + + Old Father Christmas came once more, + His eye was bright if his hair was hoar, + And the old old gifts on his back he bore. + + With the old loved legend now as then + The pleasantest ever inscribed by pen-- + "Peace upon earth, goodwill to men." + + What was it the good old greybeard saw?-- + War's iron teeth, greed's gaping jaw, + And shaken order and broken law. + + Each land ringed round with a fence of steel, + Each party snarling at other's heel; + None seeming loving, few looking leal. + + Poverty spreading athwart the land, + With mutterings few dared understand, + Though they palsied Charity's helpful hand. + + And the good old greybeard stood and gazed + At the thousand hearths where no Yule-fire blazed, + At the hate-led nations, the classes crazed. + + "And oh!" he cried, "is it come, the time + When the land low grovels in greed and grime, + And heeds no longer my cheering chime? + + "Is it past, all prospect of love's increase? + Is it time my rallying cry should cease-- + 'Peace and Good-will! Good-will and Peace!'? + + "Is it fled, the hope that my heart has buoyed? + Is it finished, the labour in which I joyed? + Am _I_ the chief of the Unemployed?" + + * * * * * + +THE DEAR DEPARTED.--He has departed, and he was dear--at the price, was +the poor little Gorilla! He died at the Zoo just ten days ago. Was it +owing to his being so generously dieted, and never getting "Monkey's +allowance?" Jenny the Baboon refused to attend the funeral, which was +strictly private. Her conduct has created some astonishment among the +officials. A jarring note was struck by the Hyæna, which could not +repress its laughter. He died intestate. The Gorilla's decease makes no +change in the government of Monkey Island. + + * * * * * + +THE CONSCIENTIOUS APPARITION; OR, THE PHANTOM BILL OF COSTS. + +(_A Legal Ghost Story for Christmas._) + +I am a highly respectable family ghost. I appear usually at two in the +morning, wearing, what I believe is called in theatrical circles, a +disguise cloak, and carrying a long blood-stained sword. I have one +serious drawback. I have a shocking memory, and have entirely forgotten +my identity. For the death of me I cannot remember why I became a ghost, +and what on earth I ought to haunt. I fancy it should be some sort of +castle, as I have an indistinct recollection of once frightening a man +carrying some huge keys, from what I take must have been a portcullis, +into fits. But this is merely conjecture, and I can't in the least +account for my blood-stained sword. As I am really conscientious, this +state of things has caused me serious regret. I have no wish to alarm +the wrong people, nor to haunt the wrong place. The first is improper, +and the second is _infra dig_. But what can I do? I find that I must +appear at least once in every four-and-twenty hours, and my difficulty +has been to so suit my time and place, that the least inconvenience +should be given to the smallest number. Consequently, for many years I +have been a nightly _habitué_ of the South Kensington Museum. No doubt +this arrangement would have continued for an indefinite period had I +not been recently arrested by a Policeman for loitering in the +picture-galleries, who only permitted me to vanish in blue fire (I +prefer blue to red) on the condition that I did not re-enter the +Institution. + +Ousted from the South Kensington Museum, I determined not to visit any +other public establishment. Partly because I was tired beyond measure of +curiosities, and partly, because my dignity had been wounded by the +incident that had severed my connection with the School of Art. +Supplementary to this, I felt that I might be neglecting a duty by not +discovering the proper place for my periodical apparitions. It occurred +to me it would be a great comfort if I could but find the exact spot, +where undisturbed, I could appear and disappear without fear of +interruption, at any rate, from the profession, for I knew that I should +not be allowed to poach on the haunting-grounds of my fellow phantoms. +As a matter of fact, I once had a terrible row in the Tower of London, +(caused by Sir WALTER RALEIGH, Lord BALMARINO, and Lady JANE GREY +objecting to my joining the little gathering there, on the score "that I +did not belong to their set") which ended in my being ejected in the +most undignified manner possible from the premises. However, I am pretty +determined when I make up my mind, and I formed the resolution of +leaving no stone unturned until I had discovered my proper destination. + +My first experiments were most unsuccessful. I visited in succession +about a hundred country-houses, but found them all tenanted with their +rightful apparitions. My arrival was greeted, in each case, with abuse, +more or less vigorous. Perhaps I received the greatest insults from a +person (I cannot call him a gentleman) of the last century, who I +discovered haunting a venerable mansion belonging to his grandson, with +a view to giving their brand-new family an air of respectability. + +At length I found a rather agreeable lady in white brocade, who carried +her head in a bundle under her arm, and who was more inclined to be +sociable than any ghost I had hitherto met. + +"You cannot possibly remain here," she said, as she glided up a +staircase and rattled some chains outside a bedroom door, "it would not +be proper, besides it would be sure to be resented by ALFREDO, who rises +every fifteenth of March from the moat to cut my head off in a fit of +jealousy--he is so absurd! If I were you I should consult a Solicitor. I +can recommend you one who hanged himself some years ago in the town over +yonder. His great great great grandfather drew my marriage settlement; +and ALFREDO, who has consulted him on several little matters, has every +confidence in him. Why not see him? You will find him seated in his +office (it belongs to his nephew in the daytime) from midnight to four +in the morning. And now you must really go, as I have to frighten the +occupants of this bed-chamber." + +Thus urged, of course I could only bow and withdraw. I floated into the +town and entered the Lawyer's office. I found its phantom occupant +extremely obliging. + +"The great difficulty," he said, when he had listened to my story, "is +to ascertain your identity, which can only be done in the daytime. Have +you ever appeared at noon?" + +I admitted that I had, although I was obliged to confess that I had +found my apparition then both feeble and unsatisfactory. + +After consultation, we decided that perhaps we might find some trace of +my antecedents in the Imbecile Inquiry Office, a Government Department +devoted to the registration of human curiosities. It was not impossible +that I might have been so extremely eccentric in my lifetime, that some +trace of my doings might have been preserved in the archives of the +_bureau_. The next morning, accompanied by my Lawyer, I visited the +office, and was requested by a messenger to put in writing on a +memorandum paper the object of my application. Fortunately the man was +short-sighted, and did not appear to notice our appearance. I wrote what +I wanted, and sent it up. In a few minutes the messenger returned. + +"The Board is engaged at this moment, but if you like to stop, the +Secretary will see you by-and-by." He then left us. + +After waiting nearly an hour, my Lawyer and I came to the conclusion +that we must have been forgotten, and determined to go upon a voyage of +discovery on our own account. Leaving the waiting-room, we glided up a +broad stone staircase and entered through a green-baize door a large +apartment apparently filled with books. Seated at a desk was an +amiable-looking, middle-aged gentleman surrounded with plans, papers, +packets, and the usual paraphernalia of a Government Office. Between +this room and another was a second green-baize door dividing the two +apartments the one from the other. In the second room we saw several +other amiable-looking middle-aged gentlemen, grouped round a long table, +and apparently engaged in discussing sandwiches and sherry. + +"I am sorry to disturb you," said my Lawyer, courteously. The +amiable-looking middle-aged gentleman at the desk, raised his eyes, +looked at us, started violently, and turned as white as a sheet. My +Solicitor continued, "We want to know----" + +He could get no further. The gentleman jumped up from his desk in an +agony of terror, and, before we could prevent his departure, disappeared +with an unearthly yell, through the baize door into the second +apartment. The door was then hurriedly locked, and all we could do would +not induce any of the occupants of the room to open it. We tried in vain +all sorts of inducements, from the rattling of heavy chains up to +thunder-thumps. Some little time elapsed, and then the short-sighted +messenger made his appearance. + +"I never told you to come up," said he, in an aggrieved tone, "and +you've got me into trouble. You must be off. The Board say that your +application, whatever it is, can't be entertained." + +To retire was all we could do--and we did it. On regaining the street, I +sorrowfully bade my Solicitor good-bye. + +"Oh dear no, Sir," he said, with the ghost of a smile. "You have quite +forgotten one little formality--my Bill of Costs." + +Upon this he produced an enormous roll of paper! The rest of my story +can be briefly told. Unable to pay my Lawyer's bill, I was compelled to +seek refuge in a country where I could not be reached by the Extradition +law. I took a passage in _The Flying Dutchman_, and went to Spain. I am +now settled in Grenada, where I am believed by the peasantry to be an +English ghost that has escaped from a branch of the Moorish Alhambra +that has been recently established in Leicester Square. I find some +consolation in the thought that those whom I now haunt seem to be +growing rather fond of me. I trust that this is not a specimen of the +national politeness, and that the affection they apparently entertain +towards me is not merely assumed to save me unnecessary embarrassment. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 55. + +IN LOWTHER ARCADIA AT CHRISTMAS TIME.] + + * * * * * + +WAITING HIS ORDERS. + +The HOME SECRETARY, after the revelations made by a distinguished member +of the Representative body of Theatrical Managers and Music Hall +Proprietors that called upon him last week to protest against the +further extension of Inspecting Powers to the Metropolitan Board, having +expressed a wish to hear something still further of the correspondence, +said to be of a blackmailing character, which was referred to in the +course of the proceedings, the Deputation again called on him yesterday +afternoon for the purpose of supplying him with fresh information on the +subject. + +[Illustration: Augustus Druriolanus opposing the Invasion of Plancus +Operator Autocraticus.] + +In re-introducing them, Mr. JACKSON PARTLAND, M.P., said that since +their last interview they had heard that, with a view to the better +control of the correspondence of subordinate officials of the Board, an +enterprising firm of publishers had undertaken to provide for their use +A COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER, a few of the proof-sheets of which had chanced +to come into their possession. As they seemed to have some bearing on +the present case, they thought that perhaps the HOME SECRETARY might +like to look at them. In presenting them to his notice, they felt it was +hardly necessary to point out that a public Department from which such +documents might be expected to issue was scarcely calculated to inspire +that general confidence so essential to the smooth and efficient working +that might reasonably be expected of it. The subjoined proof-sheets, +which he appeared to peruse with much attention, were then handed to the +HOME SECRETARY:-- + +_From an Official of the Board to a Popular Manager, asking for Places +during the Height of the Pantomime Season._ + + _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's + Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 17._ + +MY DEAR GUS,--(Excuse the familiarity, but it is a way we have on the +"Board")--I know you are turning money away nightly, but you must really +manage to let me have the Queen's Box, and the two others on each side +of it (all three knocked into one) for three days--say, Monday, +Thursday, and Friday next week. I wish to bring my grandfather, two aged +aunts, my sister-in-law, all her children, and my own, and lots of +cousins and connections who know my interest with you, and have asked me +to get 'em good places. Don't say you can't do it, my dear boy, for you +know _I can be nasty when I like_, and should be sorry to put you to the +expense of clapping on another staircase or two to the upper circles. +Ha! ha! that would be a joke, wouldn't it? However, let's hope it won't +come to that. Yours ever, JOHN BEGG. + +P.S.--If there's a difficulty about the boxes, I wouldn't mind a whole +row of stalls right across the theatre in the best part. But mind, one +or the other, _I must have_. + +_From Same to Same, on the former receiving, in reply, an Order for two +to the Upper Boxes, not admitted after half-past Seven._ + + _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's + Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 19._ + +SIR.--I am utterly astounded at the insolence of your response to my +request, and thus fling back your tickets (re-enclosed) in your face. Do +you know, Sir, who I am? _Are you aware that I can make your theatre too +hot to hold you?_ Do you reflect that I can force you to open up a +dozen,--ay, and if need be, twenty-four--new and roomy exits on every +blessed floor in your house. And yet, with this knowledge, you dare to +haggle in your mind over the price of three paltry boxes on the Grand +Tier. Why, you must be mad!--stark! However, to be plain with you, I'll +tell you what it is. Unless you send me by return the places I have +named, and which, as an Official of the Board, have the goodness to +understand, _I claim as a right_, I'll let loose a Committee of +Inspection on you in two twos, without notice, and if, after they've +paid you a visit, they leave you a single leg to stand upon, I promise +you it won't be the fault of Yours, meaning business, officially, + + JOHN BEGG. + +_From Same to Same, after receipt of various Complimentary Admissions, +making still further demands._ + + _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's + Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 1._ + +MY VERY DEAR SIR,--Thank you for the last six Private Boxes, which, +although not all of them in quite first-rate positions, enabled me to +knock on a few obligations that I was under to certain importunate +friends and connections. But I am now going to tax your kindness still +further. _I wish to give all my tradesmen a treat_, and should like them +to have the Queen's Box in turn. I am, therefore, sending you the +addresses of my butcher, my baker, my bootmaker, milkman, greengrocer, +and my tailor, and request that you will communicate directly with them, +with a view to finding out on what nights they could most conveniently +visit the theatre, and arranging accordingly. Please be careful to +direct the envelopes carefully and legibly, as I should be sorry that +any carelessness on your part should lead to disagreeables over the +matter. Indeed, as long as you keep me well supplied with the places I +require on the Grand Tier, I _have no wish to be nasty_. But you know, +from experience, it won't do to put my back up, and that rather than put +an official spoke into your wheel, I would always prefer to receive your +orders, and be able to sign myself, as I do now, Yours cordially, + + JOHN BEGG. + +_From Same to Same, on receiving Apologetic and Explanatory Letter +enclosing sixteen undated Stalls._ + + _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's + Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 4._ + +Mr. BEGG wishes to know whether Mr. HARRIS takes him for a fool. Mr. B. +particularly told Mr. H., that he wanted him to let him have the Queen's +Box for six consecutive nights, _as he wished to give his_, Mr. B's., +_Tradesmen a treat_. How does Mr. H. think Mr. B. is going to manage +that in suitable style, in sixteen undated Stalls! But perhaps Mr. H. is +desirous of _provoking an Official Inspection_, and would like to be +called on to provide a new set of dressing-rooms, a couple of +iron-curtains, and be ordered to rebuild his Entrance Hall. Mr. B. +merely throws this out as a hint, but would advise Mr. H. _if he wishes +to keep out of trouble_, to despatch the demanded boxes, to the +addresses already furnished him forthwith. + +The HOME SECRETARY said, that after giving the above specimens of +correspondence his careful consideration, he could not say that he +thought them particularly out of the way, but as there somehow seemed to +be a general impression that they were, he supposed something ought to +be done. He would think the matter over, and perhaps in the course of +next summer he might possibly hit on some solution. + +The Deputation having thanked him, then withdrew. + + * * * * * + +"ALL THE TALENTS." + +The _Graphic's_ big picture, representing "All the Talents" of Her +Gracious MAJESTY'S reign grouped together in one tremendous crowd, +directed apparently on their way down (ominous this!) by Sir JEM of the +Academy, contains some of the best portraits that have appeared in any +collective illustration. Each one of them separately would be entitled +to a place in the splendid _Victoria Album_ recently issued by SMITH AND +DOWNES, and to say this is saying a great deal. _The Graphic_ +Stage-Manager has grouped his characters most appropriately. On the +extreme right of the spectator is Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., +staring across at Sir JEM as if wondering why on earth the latter was +taking so much authority into his own hands. The Baroness BURDETT COUTTS +is well in front, evidently determined to get out first before the crush +comes,--an idea that, apparently, has also simultaneously occurred to +Messrs. CHAMBERLAIN, BROWNING, ELLEN TERRY, and Lords CHARLES BERESFORD, +TENNYSON, SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, "our Mr. TENNIEL," Mrs. BANCROFT +(without Mr. B., which accounts for the vacant space next to her, so +perhaps he was late, or has politely gone to fetch Mrs. KENDAL, with +whom he will appear in the millionth re-issue of this picture), H.E. +Cardinal MANNING, apologising for accidentally treading on Madame +PATTI'S dress (but it really couldn't be helped), who are all getting +away as quickly as possible, either because Mr. SALA, up at the back, or +Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (who is looking about for Mr. GILBERT) has shouted +out, "Get on in front there!" Perhaps--ah!--they are all hurrying off to +the Refreshment Room! Or going to stir the Christmas Pudding. + + * * * * * + +BOHN'S Standard Library is to be republished at a shilling a volume. +This is indeed putting life in the dry Bohns. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + * * * * * + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Alternative spellings retained. + +Punctuation normalized without comment. + +Italics denoted by underscores (_).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93, December 24, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40626 *** |