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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 19, 2014 [EBook #44708]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 108, APRIL 27, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.
+
+(_For the Use of Schools._)
+
+EXAMPLE I.--"AMARI A-LIQUID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST CRAZE.
+
+(_A Dramatic Study of Cause and Effect._)
+
+SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre._
+
+_Enter_ ANGELINA _and her people_.
+
+_Paterfamilias._ Well, now that we are here, I hope you are satisfied.
+As for myself, I hate these problem plays.
+
+_Materfamilias._ They are entirely the vogue just now, and we must see
+them. What everybody does we must do.
+
+_Angelina._ So I told EDWIN--I should say, Mr. DOMUM--when he
+complained of our going.
+
+_Mater._ Of course. We have to follow the fashion.
+
+_Pater._ Hush! You must not talk any more, see the curtain has risen.
+
+    (_Five minutes pass._)
+
+_First Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And so, my dear, my marriage was
+an utter failure. The monotony of the life was terrible. My husband
+anticipated my every wish. The tameness was too awful for words, and
+so I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Mater._ (_to her husband_). Ah, I never left you, RICHARD!
+
+_Pater._ (_to his wife_). Nor I you, BRIDGET!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). I suppose married life must be very wearisome.
+
+    (_Ten minutes pass._)
+
+_Second Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And now I will tell you the secret
+of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required--fine
+clothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents were insults
+in disguise, and I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Pater._ I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts, BRIDGET?
+
+_Mater._ Indeed you did not, RICHARD. In fact, I think you carried
+your abstention too far.
+
+_Pater._ Not at all. See, after these many years, we are devoted to
+one another!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Failure of Marriage Number Two! Weddings seem to
+be mistake!
+
+    (_Two hours pass._)
+
+_Third Heroine._ I tell you, my Lord Bishop, that I have never
+regretted leaving you. Twenty years ago you were a young curate,
+and you spoilt our married life by your indulgence. You let me have
+everything I wanted. No, my Lord, I will hear no more.
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Another matrimonial failure! I really must have
+a good think over it.
+
+_Pater._ (_to_ Mater.). Well, I hope you are satisfied!
+
+_Mater._ (_to_ Pater.). Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm
+it can do to anyone.
+
+    (_An hour passes._)
+
+_Angelina_ (_writing in her own room_). "Dear EDWIN, I call you by
+your christian name, for the last time. I can never be yours. I am
+convinced from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sincerely
+yours, ANGELINA."
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon a flood of tears._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEXAMETERS TO DATE; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP.
+
+    [Mr. FLINDERS PETRIE has just excavated the city of Ombi on
+    the Nile, and vindicated JUVENAL'S geographical reputation.]
+
+  _ECCE novi'st aliquid_ (_per FLINDERS PETRIE Magistrum_)
+  _Ex Africâ semper!_ Quite like some arch-humourist rum,
+  Playing with tombs and skulls, he unearths fresh funny surprises,
+  Scandals of Athor's "past," or long-veiled secrets of Isis.
+  Now this gravedigger-_Yorick_, this Egypt's new ABERCROMBY,
+  Scores yet another conquest--he's found out JUVENAL'S Ombi,
+  Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will
+  See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel).
+  Thus they lived some ages B.C. (in the thirtieth cent'ry),
+  Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry,
+  Buried _à la_ trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair
+          rose;
+  These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the
+          PHARAOHS.
+  Dig then, PETRIE, away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders,
+  Delve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom of
+          FLINDERS!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Hearty congratulations from the Baron and his assistants to Mr. H. W.
+LUCY on his delightful life of Mr. GLADSTONE (W. H. ALLEN & Co).
+No one certainly has had better opportunities than TOBY, M.P., for
+studying the great statesman in all his varying moods; and it may be
+affirmed with equal certainty that no other man (or dog) could have
+used his opportunities to greater advantage for the benefit of the
+public. There are in this little volume a tone of easy yet scholarly
+courtesy, a fine literary touch, and a marvellous power of condensing
+details into one vividly descriptive sentence. It is an admirable
+piece of work, which, seeing that it only costs a shilling, ought to
+be sure of a popularity fully equal to its high merits.
+
+"Bravo TOBY!" says
+
+[Illustration: THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF DESCRIPTIVE TITLE.--In the Egyptian explorations, the
+results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor
+PETRIE'S lecture, reported in the _Times_ of Thursday, April 18, the
+lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by Mr.
+GRENFELL, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of Professor PETRIE
+to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily timorous as is
+expressed in such a _sobriquet_ as "The Craven Fellow." However, he
+belied his name by showing such pluck and perseverance in rendering
+assistance to the Professor as will entitle him to explain himself
+as "_Late_ the Craven Fellow," but _now_ "the C. F., or Courageous
+Fellow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP.
+
+_Master of the Situation_ (_loq._). "NOW THEN, YOU PIG-HEADED OLD
+PIGTAIL, OPEN YOUR SHOP--AND HAND ME THE KEYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCORCHING.
+
+_First Countryman_ (_to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't
+have the Fence_). "NOW THEN, SHOVE 'IM AT IT AGIN, MISTER! WHOI DENGED
+IF OI WOULDN'T JUMP THAT 'ERE LITTLE PLACE WI' A JACKASS!"
+
+_Second Countryman._ "MAYBE YER WOULD, MA LAD; BUT YER SEE THAT 'ERE
+'OSS DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT JUMPING WI' A JACKASS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME."
+
+    ["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for
+    mankind.... The true conquest effected by the war is the
+    conquest of the right to a market, and that apparently on an
+    enormous scale."
+
+  _"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan._]
+
+
+_Little Jap loquitur_:--
+
+  Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap.
+    _Open Sesame!_ Yes, that's the word, JOHN!
+  In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop,
+    Your proceedings are highly absurd, JOHN!
+  Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast,
+    And thereby, friend JOHN, hangs a _big_ tale.
+  When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take
+    A sailor's round turn at your pigtail!
+      Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key.
+      Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to _Me_!
+
+  For thousands of years your pride and your fears
+    Have muddled your market completely.
+  Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug
+    Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly.
+  'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick,
+    Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy;
+  Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware.
+    Rouse up, open shop, and be happy!
+      Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee!
+      Throw open your markets, and leave it to _Me_!
+
+  For ever so long you've been going all wrong.
+    Your Empire is under a shadow;
+  But well opened up, by ships, railways, and KRUPP,
+    It will turn out a true El Dorado.
+  _Don't_ fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore?
+    You think me a cocky invader?
+  Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend,
+    When I force you to be a free trader.
+      Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Take down all your shutters, and hand _me_ the key!
+
+  For _my_ use alone? you inquire with a groan.
+    Oh, dear! you _must_ be an old duffer!
+  Excuse me this wink,--but what do _you_ think?
+    Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer
+  The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand,
+    Any more than by yours, in their faces?
+  Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know
+    How to get into Europe's good graces.
+      So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Throw open your market, and _hand me the key_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES."
+
+The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted
+inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the solitary
+periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title to
+imprint by everyone of them.
+
+"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the _Lancet_.
+"And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to their
+homes and profession as if nothing had happened."
+
+"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific
+publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause
+of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic
+phenomena." And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined
+together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in
+company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented
+each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full of
+figures. A weird look appeared on their faces.
+
+"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the staircase is
+steep, let us descend by the window."
+
+The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and gently
+sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked together
+for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four cross-roads,
+scattered.
+
+"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found
+himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined
+to agree with the _Lancet_, 'that the phenomenon remains striking
+and mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its
+concrete form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and,
+believing this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat
+down and composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of
+the Royal College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of _Hue
+and Cry_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. II.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER.
+
+The sky was darkened by swart birds, with tufted tails, and a look in
+their clay-coloured eyes as of millions of stifled croaks; the rain
+fell in grizzled sheets like the streaming hair and beard of some
+Titanic lunatic, and the thunder boomed over the town as if it had
+just discovered another epoch-making novel.
+
+Night fell; I lit my lamp and closed the shutters, drew my curtains,
+so as to shut out any gleaming cats' eyes that might be peering at me
+through the chinks, and mixed myself a tumbler of hot punch.
+
+As I finished it, a wild piercing shriek rose from the universe, as
+though someone had run a pin into the Great Unknown, and a shining
+blue-white ball came down the chimney and burnt a hole in the
+yellow-green gloom of my hearthrug.
+
+I looked up; a strange man was sitting right in front of me. His
+crested hair had a blue-white gleam, like the electric light in a
+mountain hotel when the storm is nearly ended; it stuck out in a
+spiral fringe round his cheeks and chin; his mouth was prim like a
+purse; but his spectacles twinkled with laughter like the new ferrule
+on a gingham umbrella.
+
+"I am the Shaker of Society's Pillars, I have discovered that the Tree
+of Knowledge of Good and Evil bears nothing but rotten apples. There
+are milestones on the Bergen road--but I can see through most of them.
+I am the New Generation knocking at the old stage-door. I am also
+the Dramatiser of Social Conundrums to which there will never be any
+answer."
+
+Time passed--a second or an hour. I began to wish he would go.
+
+"I am the great Wizard that has ennobled and purified Humanity by
+showing that they are all the morbid victims of a diseased heredity.
+The great fire at Christiania was _not_ the fire in which _Mrs.
+Solness's_ nine dolls were burnt. I am he who has emancipated Woman by
+convincing her that she has the _right_ to be hysterical."
+
+Again time passed--an hour or a second. I fancy I must have dropped
+off to sleep.
+
+[Illustration: "I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep."]
+
+"I am he who has broken through the conventions of the
+well-constructed drama. When we lived at Drontheim, BERNICK'S gander
+was stolen by tinkers. I am the original eld, and also the child who
+instructs the grandmotherly critic in the art of sucking problematic
+eggs; but I, too, am a master-builder of magnificent bathos."
+
+And again time passed--a second or an hour. I wondered whether he had
+come to stay the night.
+
+"Read, I am called 'dramatic'; acted, I am called 'impossible.'"
+
+With that the cock crew. The stranger had flown before I had an
+opportunity of asking him his name or asking him to look in again some
+evening.
+
+I was rather sorry, for he seemed to have a flow of agreeable small
+talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps?
+
+_Answer._ With the intention of strengthening our national defences.
+
+_Q._ Then you think such a proceeding patriotic?
+
+_A._ Not only patriotic, but necessary.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Q._ You probably have some recollection of the French collapse in
+1870-71?
+
+_A._ Yes; but I have been chiefly influenced by considerations of a
+mathematical character.
+
+_Q._ Make your meaning plainer.
+
+_A._ I mean that it stands to reason that as only a small percentage
+of our people are trained to arms, and ninety-six per cent of our
+neighbours are converted into soldiers, the latter, in the case of a
+quarrel with us, would have the upper hand.
+
+_Q._ And you think a quarrel entailing the arbitration of the sword
+might be sprung upon us at any moment?
+
+_A._ Precisely; that is entirely my opinion.
+
+_Q._ And, consequently, you take a serious view of Volunteering?
+
+_A._ Assuredly, or I would not give up most of my leisure time to
+master drill in all its branches.
+
+_Q._ Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform of a
+Volunteer?
+
+_A._ No; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long run
+causes considerable expense; and the commission of an officer is
+inseparable from large expenditure and a loss of self-respect.
+
+_Q._ Why is the holding of a commission of a Volunteer officer
+"inseparable from a loss of self-respect"?
+
+_A._ Because, in the general estimation, the holder of a commission in
+the Volunteers is worthy of ridicule, pity, or contempt.
+
+_Q._ Can you give the reason for this impression?
+
+_A._ It is probable that it has been created by the consideration
+that a Volunteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his
+enemies, and mulcted of much money by his comrades.
+
+_Q._ Then a Volunteer officer or private usually joins the force from
+the most patriotic of motives?
+
+_A._ Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their commanding
+officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repelling a foreign
+invasion.
+
+_Q._ And this being so, they do not wish to spend three or four days
+of training in practising "marches past" and other man[oe]uvres of a
+more or less ornamental character?
+
+_A._ Quite so; not even when the practice terminates with a review in
+a royal park, and a salute performed to the strains of the National
+Anthem.
+
+_Q._ Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raree show?
+
+_A._ Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday.
+
+_Q._ And if you are told that this is the sort of thing that the
+Volunteers want, what do you reply?
+
+_A._ Nonsense.
+
+_Q._ And if it were added that more serious work would be unpopular,
+what would be your suggestion?
+
+_A._ Try and see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. FOR VETOISTS.--It is the question of "tied" houses which makes
+the compensation question so knotty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY BALLADS.
+
+I.--THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
+
+  A gruesome tale I tell of the
+  West-Eastern Railway Companee.
+    "Its virtues few, its faults a score"--
+    (I quote the view held heretofore).
+
+  The chief among its faults, you see,
+  Is sad unpunctualitee.
+    Now, gentles all, list what befel
+    AUGUSTUS HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+  The Fates were stern, the world unkind;
+  And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.
+    _Che sarà, sarà!_ Think how sad!
+    His evil star it drove him mad!
+
+  "If life has no more joy to give,"
+  Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live.
+    Nor yet delay an hour to dine,
+    But straightway lay me on the line.
+
+  "The train now due will end distress--
+  So haste thee, Two o'clock Express!"
+    With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack;
+    But climbed upon the railway-track.
+
+  He waited now two hours--not less;
+  And yet, I vow, came no express!
+    And he had nought his pangs to ease.
+    He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese.
+
+  He had to fast. He fain would sup.
+  The hours flew past. He sate him up.
+    "'Tis strangely late. I should not mind--
+    I'd gladly wait--if I had dined.
+
+  "If I'd a joint that I could carve,
+  I'd strain a point; but here to starve!!
+    May I be hung if e'er I see
+    Such gross unpunctualitee!
+
+  "No gentleman can now depend
+  On any plan to plan his end."
+    Twelve hours or more he waited thus.
+    "A train?" he swore; "an _omnibus!_
+
+  "It tarries yet all through the night,
+  And helps to whet my appetite!"
+    His hunger grew inside his chest;
+    With nought to chew, he was--_non est_.
+
+  Two days pass by, and then we find
+  The train draw nigh, three days behind!
+    Directors sigh, deplore, and frown;
+    And fine the driver half-a-crown.
+
+  "But had I been on time," JACK said,
+  "HALL'S death, I ween, were on my head."
+    "Quite true, good JACK! Our conscience pricks.
+    We hand you back your two-and-six!"
+
+_Envoi._
+
+  Now that is all I have to tell
+  Of Mr. HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THESE DULL TIMES.
+
+_Lady Gushton_ (_always so agreeable_). "AND THE MAGNIFICENT PICTURES
+YOU HAD HERE LAST YEAR,--HAVE YOU GOT THEM ALL STILL?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_sadly_). "YES; I HAVE THEM ALL."
+
+_Lady Gushton._ "HOW VERY NICE! IT IS SO HARD TO PART WITH ONE'S OWN
+PICTURES, IS IT NOT?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_with much feeling_). "AWFULLY, AWFULLY HARD!
+SOMETIMES IMPOSSIBLE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS.
+
+BROWN and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We has
+managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers, and
+werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage to quarrell
+among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel. There's
+a depperty Counseller among em who will tork whenever he gets a
+hoppertunity, yes and keeps the pot a biling, as BROWN says, for
+nearly arf a nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a
+cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others has a jolly larf.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy, and so we are
+offen hearing of their going up the River, when there's two much water
+there, and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a lot of
+it away, but from what I hears they don't seem for to be werry
+sucksessful.
+
+Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other day and took ever
+so many Ladies with em, and jolly nice dinners they had on bord after
+the Race was over and there wasn't no more fear of no more rane, which
+had rayther spylt the morning.
+
+It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellors tork about the Copperation
+nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago! Then it
+was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your pardon, and
+arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never thort to see
+such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two places where
+they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the Court of Common
+Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of these honnerd places
+the few as wenters in do look uncumferal indeed! and the reel natives
+don't show them no pitty! not a bit of it, but takes a quiet larf
+whenever they gits a good chance.
+
+I've herd as one of the Counsellors has been herd to say as there are
+no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em quite
+equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it was
+only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare chance!
+
+The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County
+Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was
+only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance, to
+raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates!
+
+I wunder if it's all trew!
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEWEST NUISANCE.--The woman with a past before her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
+
+"COOT-NIGHT, MRS. PROWN. I HAF TO SANK YOU FOR DE MOST BLEASANT
+EFENING I HAF EFFER SCHBENT IN MY LIFE!"
+
+"OH, DON'T SAY THAT, HERR SCHMIDT!"
+
+"ACH! BOT I _DO_ SAY DAT! I _ALVAYS_ SAY DAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+["You have been elected by a majority of the House. You are the
+representative of the whole House."--_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur
+Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+_Mr. Punch to Mr. Speaker._
+
+  If the Second Fiddle's satisfied, you're all right with the First!
+    The Harp may heed your _bâton_, and as for the Big Drum,
+  When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorous burst,
+    That makes the whole proscenium shake and hum;
+  What matter if the clatter, and the bang and bump and batter,
+                          Keep but time?
+  If they're docile to your nod, and obedient to your rod,
+    The New Conductor's post will be prime!
+
+  The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odds,
+    And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row;
+  But, good gracious! there were shines sometimes among the Olympian gods,
+    And the noisy ones look milk and honey _now_.
+  The brazen and the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy,
+                          For a while;
+  Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle
+    Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile:
+
+  The _tutti_ did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife,
+    They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New;
+  And WH-TBR-D'S tootling piccolo, and WH-RT-N'S wry-neck'd fife,
+    Went decidedly a little bit askew.
+  But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together,
+                          String and reed,
+  Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass
+    That the New Conductor's _début_ will succeed.
+
+  The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt,
+    Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow;
+  But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about.
+    A Mercury _can_ play, though no Apollo.
+  So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound!
+                          Tap, tap, tap!
+  Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof,
+    The orchestra agree to cheer and clap!
+
+  Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead:
+    Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,
+  Great was the _bâton_-wielder 'tis your fortune to succeed;
+    But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear!
+  _Punch_ trusts the name of GULLY on Fame's roll will not shine dully
+                          At the end!
+  Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know
+    That he finds in each performer a fair friend!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARTY POLITICS.
+
+_First Man_ (_conciliatory_). You're a Tory?
+
+_Second Man_ (_also conciliatory_). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes, a
+Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule----
+
+_First Man._ Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in some
+ways.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories. Now
+take Disestablishment.
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the
+Liberals.
+
+_First Man._ Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if they
+supported Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want
+Disestablishment.
+
+_First Man._ Now, CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, yes. CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_First Man._ He opposes Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ He supports Disestablishment.
+
+    [_Left mutually abusing_ Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--"The LORD LIEUTENANT was present at
+Punchestown for the races. His Excellency and the house party from
+the Viceregal Lodge, which included TOBY, M.P., met with a hearty
+reception." Naturally. If TOBY, M.P. was not made welcome at _Punch's_
+town, who should be?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY NOTES.--_The latest Crushing Report._--The Londonderry Mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE
+REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHOLE HOUSE."
+
+_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of
+Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRADE BETRAYED.
+
+_Returned Anglo-Indian Colonel_ (_to friend of his boyhood_). Either
+your climate is colder than it used to be, or your coals throw out
+less heat. Which is it?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, it's the coals. Rubbishy things, rather. Come from
+Tomsk in Siberia.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Siberia! They ought to be sent there! But aren't English
+coals good enough?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, yes, they're _good_ enough. But then, you see,
+they're dear. That's the result of the last coal strike.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Oh, I heard about that at Bangalore. Then how about your
+razors? I bought one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me, I've
+only used it once and it's blunt already.
+
+_His Friend._ "Made in Germany," no doubt. The trade's gone over
+there, they say.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ And boots, now. Why has the pair I got in the City a
+month ago split open in two places?
+
+_His Friend._ _That's_ the late boot strike. Cheap American goods have
+ousted the genuine British article.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ (_meditatively_). Ah--heard of the boot strike too at
+Bangalore. But I didn't find my bootmaker charged me any less than in
+the old days for 'em. Tell you what, there's only one thing that will
+save England.
+
+_His Friend._ What's that?
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Why, a new kind of strike altogether. Why shouldn't the
+strikers _strike striking?_ Eh?
+
+_His Friend._ That never struck me.
+
+    [_They part pensively._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PIPE.
+
+  I do not now attempt to sing,
+    With laudatory phrases,
+  That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing,
+    Which poet, painter praises:
+  Beloved by TURNER, CLAUDE, or CUYP,
+  The excellent tobacco-pipe.
+
+  Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,
+    Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy,
+  Or organ ones, because you might
+    Read books on them, from MUDIE,
+  In varied tongues, in varied type--
+  On any sort of music pipe.
+
+  Nor, plagued of late however much
+    By bronchial affections,
+  Do I propose just now to touch,
+    With medical reflections,
+  On what Jack Frost delights to gripe,
+  My choking, wheezing, sore wind-pipe,
+
+  Nor am I speaking now of wine,
+    Nor yet, from MARRYAT learning,
+  Of what the Cockney would define--
+    Poor A as ever spurning--
+  "The sime in nime, but not in shipe,"
+  The pipe of port; the boatswain's pipe.
+
+  No! Now I sing--but not with praise,
+    To praise it would be rummer
+  Than any other sort of craze,
+    Excepting in a plumber;
+  I am not such a fool, a "snipe,"
+  As says the Bard--my water-pipe.
+
+  For weeks I could not get a drop
+    Of water, it was frozen;
+  When thus congealed the thing would stop,
+    I spoke as would a boatswain.
+  For seamen's oaths the time was ripe,
+  I here translate them--Hang that pipe!
+
+  Then suddenly, of course at night,
+    There came a sudden splashing,
+  And I, in most unequal fight,
+    About my bedroom dashing,
+  With sheets and towels tried to wipe,
+  Or check, the flood from that vile pipe.
+
+  You would not say that frost is fine,
+    So exquisitely bracing,
+  If you had had a pipe like mine,
+    Your ruined home defacing;
+  On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe;--
+  Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF THE PEACE TERMS (SUNG TO CHINA).--"Oh, Let us be Jappy
+together!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY "LIBERTY MEN" COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN
+DAYS' LEAVE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF SPRING.
+
+  Oh, painters, you who always "come
+    Before the swallow dares, and take
+  The winds of March"--till May--with some
+    Atrocious smell of paint, and make
+  The streets in such a shocking state, you
+  Are quite a nuisance--how I hate you!
+
+  How can I wear in peace a neat,
+    Silk hat, and coat of decent black,
+  When, passing you in any street,
+    Your paint may tumble on my back,
+  Or I may smash, which might be sadder,
+  My hat against your sloping ladder?
+
+  How can the spring delight my mind,
+    How can I like the budding trees,
+  The butterflies of any kind?
+    A Painted Lady could not please
+  In any way the mental man,
+  Were I a painted gentleman.
+
+  How can I like the balmy air,
+    How dream of violets in bloom,
+  When paint-pots swing aloft and scare
+    With visions of impending doom?
+  I'm mad and hot--quite crimson madder--
+  With dodging each successive ladder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A BANTLING.
+
+(_Lines written to a Lady who "Banted."_)
+
+  Some rhymes to make you laugh? I can't
+    Drop, Wegg-like, into rhyme instanter.
+  It's easiness itself to bant,
+    Comparatively hard to banter.
+
+  The many pretty things I'd say,
+    The pleasant thoughts I'd like to utter,
+  I may not do, it seems to-day--
+    You scorn the bare idea of _butter!_
+
+  "Sweets to the sweet." Not long ago,
+    Why chocolates--you'd gladly greet them.
+  Now you've abandoned them, and so
+    You never (hardly ever) eat them.
+
+  To see you drink hot water--that
+    The very stoniest heart would soften,
+  You evidently think it flat,
+    You're in it--aren't you--much too often?
+
+  Yet whether 9st. 12, as when
+    You weighed that day at Margate Station,
+  Or 10st. 7, or 7st. 10,
+    _I_ can't pretend to indignation.
+
+  To bant from early morn till late
+    May be, of course, supremely right of you;
+  But if you feel oppressed by weight,
+    Would it not do if we made light of you?
+
+  Though that I swear I will not do,
+    Let others, if they like, make bold to--
+  I merely write these rhymes for you,
+    I _always_ do just what I'm told to!
+
+  But if you cease to peak and pine
+    (For Time the Banting Conscience hardens),
+  You will not fail to drop a line--
+    My chambers are in Temple Gardens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEXOMANIA.
+
+_By an Angry Old Buffer._
+
+  "When ADAM delved and EVE span,"
+  No one need ask which was the man.
+  Bicycling, footballing, scarce human,
+  All wonder now "Which is the woman?"
+  But a new fear my bosom vexes;
+  To-morrow there may be _no_ sexes!
+  Unless, as end to all the pother,
+  Each one in fact becomes the other.
+  E'en _then_ perhaps they'll start amain
+  A-trying to change back again!
+  Woman _was_ woman, man _was_ man,
+  When ADAM delved and EVE span.
+  Now he can't dig and she won't spin,
+  Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC TROUBLES.
+
+"WHAT IS IT, NURSE?"
+
+"IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THE CHILDREN _WILL_ MAKE SLIDES ON THE FLOOR
+WITH TAPIOCA PUDDING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OSTRICH FEATHERS.
+
+    ["The magnificent ostrich at the Zoological Gardens, presented
+    by the QUEEN, has recently died from lung-disease."--_Daily
+    Paper._]
+
+  My eyes are wet with dewy tears,
+    That will not cease to flow.
+  Like MARY'S little lamb, my grief
+    Somehow is sure to go
+  Wherever I do. It all comes
+    From something that I've read,
+  The ostrich that I loved so well
+    Fell ill, and now is dead.
+
+  "Magnificent" indeed, it was.
+    I never ceased to take
+  A pride in its magnificence
+    For its own special sake.
+  But added unto this there was
+    An extra joy. I mean
+  That loyalty asks ardour for
+    A present from the QUEEN.
+
+  Oh! ostrich. I have often thought
+    Your smile childlike and bland,
+  And speculated if it's true
+    That right down in the sand
+  You really _do_ conceal your head.
+    But even though that's wrong,
+  It seems without a lung for life
+    You could not live for long.
+
+  My wife and I delight to hear
+    Our wee girl's merry laugh,
+  As she's astride the elephant
+    Or feeding the giraffe.
+  But ostrich--regal, lung-gone, dead!
+    When we are at the Zoo,
+  My wife's best hat will always serve
+    To turn my thoughts to you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARMENCITA.
+
+(_An Impression._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  "O east is east, and west is west
+    And never the twain shall meet."
+  And the dance of Spain is one of the twain
+    To the English Man in the Street.
+
+  We love the trick of the lofty kick
+    And the muscular display
+  Of the nymph who has leapt at a muslin hoop
+    And stopp'd in her flight half-way.
+
+  A plain, blunt girl in the stormy swirl
+    Of accordion pleats and laces,
+  Tho' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance,
+    Is numbered among the Graces.
+
+  For heel and toe our hearts can glow
+    And the feats of the rhythmic clog,
+  And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion
+    Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog.
+
+  But the dancer's art, of her life a part,
+    A song of the wordless soul
+  With a tale to tell, like the music's swell,
+    Too large for the word's control,
+
+  _That_ goes not down in London town
+    Where dogg'd conventions stick,
+  And dancers still must charm with frill,
+    Or "make shymnastic drick."
+
+  As the jungle king with his wrathful spring,
+    To the lamb that aptly bleats,
+  As the trumpet's blare to the palsied air
+    Of that which plays in pleats,
+
+  So is east to west, with its sun-born zest,
+    With fire at the quick heart's core,
+  And passions bold as the ardent gold
+    Of the sun on a southern shore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY.
+
+(_In brief._)
+
+  "The sovereign'st thing on earth
+  Was parmaceti, for an inward bruise."
+
+      _Henry the Fourth_, Part I., Act i., Sc. 3.
+
+  A quarrel, anything but pretty,
+  Cannot be healed by parmaceti.
+  But honour, bruisèd in the leg,
+  Finds sovereign solace in an egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A STATESMAN.
+
+_Saturday._--Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment, Tories
+denouncing _me_. Like their impudence. Must order ARTHUR BALFOUR to
+stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall want Hythe
+thrown into the bargain. BALFOUR must write more letters. If our
+little lot are to get nothing out of all this, what's the use of
+having sacrificed principles and COURTNEY? Obviously none. JESSE
+COLLINGS quite agrees. Says the Tories will repent, when it is too
+late, of having refused to submit to the greatest, wisest, most
+generous and noblest statesman of this or any other age, past
+or future. Wonderful amount of sense in JESSE. Shall make him
+Governor-General of India, or First Lord of Admiralty.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Monday._--Have seen BALFOUR. Says he can do nothing at Leamington.
+Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate. ME! The mere notion
+ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him how about Compact. He said
+"Compact be ----". At this moment GOSCHEN came in, and interrupted.
+BALFOUR said missing word was "observed." GOSCHEN full of sympathy,
+but said he could do nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of
+Exchequer again. Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter
+in _Times_ from GEOFFREY DRAGE, saying kind things about me. Rather
+patronising, but well meant. Shall make DRAGE Home Secretary.
+
+_Tuesday._--Letter in _Times_ from Lord TEYNHAM attacking me on
+account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord
+might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please
+everybody. Have written to SALISBURY ordering him to throw TEYNHAM
+into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power. If he refuses,
+shall accept Premiership myself and execute TEYNHAM on Tower Hill.
+Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march at head of
+Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground--all except
+three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists. That'll teach them
+to oppose _me_.
+
+_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad
+as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make
+him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY,
+BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering
+them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely
+different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from
+editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an
+attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack
+and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice.
+Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They
+refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw
+thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY
+elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham.
+
+  * * *
+
+_Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART
+DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to
+patronise _me?_
+
+  * * *
+
+Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of
+nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully
+recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall
+refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a
+Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants'
+Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go
+in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there
+is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and
+women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will
+you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_
+was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true
+explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young
+person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for
+_me_ to inspect!--ALARMED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 ***
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 19, 2014 [EBook #44708]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page193" id="page193"></a>[pg 193]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br />
+
+<small>Volume 108, <span class="sc">April 27, 1895</span></small><br />
+
+<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/193a-760.png"><img src="images/193a-300.png" width="300" height="472" alt="CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>For the Use of Schools.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="title2"><span class="sc">Example I.&mdash;"Amari a-liquid.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE LATEST CRAZE.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Dramatic Study of Cause and Effect.</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre.</i></p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="sc">Angelina</span> <i>and her people</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Paterfamilias.</i> Well, now that we are here, I hope you are satisfied.
+As for myself, I hate these problem plays.</p>
+
+<p><i>Materfamilias.</i> They are entirely the vogue just now, and we
+must see them. What everybody does we must do.</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelina.</i> So I told <span class="sc">Edwin</span>&mdash;I should say, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Domum</span>&mdash;when he
+complained of our going.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mater.</i> Of course. We have to follow the fashion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pater.</i> Hush! You must not talk any more, see the curtain has
+risen.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Five minutes pass.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>First Heroine</i> (<i>on the stage</i>). And so, my dear, my marriage was an
+utter failure. The monotony of the life was terrible. My husband
+anticipated my every wish. The tameness was too awful for words,
+and so I left him.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Loud applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Mater.</i> (<i>to her husband</i>). Ah, I never left you, <span class="sc">Richard</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Pater.</i> (<i>to his wife</i>). Nor I you, <span class="sc">Bridget</span>!</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>aside</i>). I suppose married life must be very wearisome.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Ten minutes pass.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Heroine</i> (<i>on the stage</i>). And now I will tell you the secret
+of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required&mdash;fine
+clothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents
+were insults in disguise, and I left him.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Loud applause.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>Pater.</i> I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts,
+<span class="sc">Bridget</span>?</p>
+
+<p><i>Mater.</i> Indeed you did not, <span class="sc">Richard</span>. In fact, I think you carried
+your abstention too far.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pater.</i> Not at all. See, after these many years, we are devoted to
+one another!</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>aside</i>). Failure of Marriage Number Two! Weddings
+seem to be mistake!</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Two hours pass.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Heroine.</i> I tell you, my Lord Bishop, that I have never
+regretted leaving you. Twenty years ago you were a young curate,
+and you spoilt our married life by your indulgence. You let me have
+everything I wanted. No, my Lord, I will hear no more.</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>aside</i>). Another matrimonial failure! I really must
+have a good think over it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Pater.</i> (<i>to</i> Mater.). Well, I hope you are satisfied!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mater.</i> (<i>to</i> Pater.). Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm
+it can do to anyone.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An hour passes.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Angelina</i> (<i>writing in her own room</i>). "Dear <span class="sc">Edwin</span>, I call
+you by your christian name, for the last time. I can never be yours. I am
+convinced from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sincerely
+yours, <span class="sc">Angelina</span>."</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Scene closes in upon a flood of tears.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>HEXAMETERS TO DATE; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">[Mr. <span class="sc">Flinders Petrie</span> has just excavated the city of Ombi on the Nile,
+and vindicated <span class="sc">Juvenal's</span> geographical reputation.]</p>
+
+<div class="poem width33">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><i><span class="sc">Ecce</span> novi'st aliquid</i> (<i>per <span class="sc">Flinders Petrie</span> Magistrum</i>)</p>
+<p><i>Ex Africâ semper!</i> Quite like some arch-humourist rum,</p>
+<p>Playing with tombs and skulls, he unearths fresh funny surprises,</p>
+<p>Scandals of Athor's "past," or long-veiled secrets of Isis.</p>
+<p>Now this gravedigger-<i>Yorick</i>, this Egypt's new <span class="sc">Abercromby</span>,</p>
+<p>Scores yet another conquest&mdash;he's found out <span class="sc">Juvenal's</span> Ombi,</p>
+<p>Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will</p>
+<p>See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel).</p>
+<p>Thus they lived some ages <span class="sc">B.C.</span> (in the thirtieth cent'ry),</p>
+<p>Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry,</p>
+<p>Buried <i>à la</i> trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair rose;</p>
+<p>These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the <span class="sc">Pharaohs</span>.</p>
+<p>Dig then, <span class="sc">Petrie</span>, away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders,</p>
+<p>Delve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom of <span class="sc">Flinders</span>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 100px;"><a href="images/193b-600.png"><img src="images/193b-100.png" width="100" height="173" alt="The Baron de Book-Worms." /></a>
+<span class="sc">The Baron de Book-Worms.</span></div>
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind3">Hearty congratulations
+from the Baron and
+his assistants to Mr. <span class="sc">H.
+W. Lucy</span> on his delightful
+life of Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>
+(<span class="sc">W. H. Allen</span> &amp; Co).
+No one certainly has had
+better opportunities than
+<span class="sc">Toby</span>, M.P., for studying
+the great statesman in
+all his varying moods;
+and it may be affirmed
+with equal certainty that
+no other man (or dog)
+could have used his opportunities
+to greater
+advantage for the benefit
+of the public. There are
+in this little volume a
+tone of easy yet scholarly
+courtesy, a fine literary
+touch, and a marvellous
+power of condensing
+details into one
+vividly descriptive sentence.
+It is an admirable
+piece of work, which,
+seeing that it only costs
+a shilling, ought to be
+sure of a popularity
+fully equal to its high
+merits.</p>
+
+<p class="author">"Bravo <span class="sc">Toby</span>!" says</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Change of Descriptive Title.</span>&mdash;In the Egyptian explorations,
+the results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor
+<span class="sc">Petrie's</span> lecture, reported in the <cite>Times</cite> of Thursday, April 18,
+the
+lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by
+Mr. <span class="sc">Grenfell</span>, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of
+Professor <span class="sc">Petrie</span> to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily
+timorous as is expressed in such a <i>sobriquet</i> as "The Craven
+Fellow." However, he belied his name by showing such pluck and
+perseverance in rendering assistance to the Professor as will entitle
+him to explain himself as "<i>Late</i> the Craven Fellow," but <i>now</i> "the
+C. F., or Courageous Fellow."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page194" id="page194"></a>[pg 194]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/194-1500.png"><img src="images/194-600.png" width="600" height="434" alt="THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Master of the Situation</i> (<i>loq.</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then, you pig-headed old
+Pigtail, open your Shop&mdash;and hand me the Keys!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page195" id="page195"></a>[pg 195]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter1" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/195-1500.png"><img src="images/195-600.png" width="600" height="374" alt="SCORCHING." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">SCORCHING.</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Countryman</i> (<i>to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't have
+the Fence</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then, shove 'im at it agin, Mister!
+Whoi denged if Oi wouldn't jump that 'ere little Place wi' a Jackass!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Countryman.</i> "<span class="sc">Maybe yer would, ma Lad; but yer see that 'ere
+'Oss don't seem to care about Jumping wi' a
+Jackass!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3 class="sans">THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME."</h3>
+
+<p class="ind3">["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for mankind....
+The true conquest effected by the war is the conquest of the right to a
+market, and that apparently on an enormous scale."</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1"><cite>"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan.</cite>]</p>
+
+<h3><i>Little Jap loquitur</i>:&mdash;</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width27">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap.</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Open Sesame!</i> Yes, that's the word, <span class="sc">John</span>!</p>
+<p>In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop,</p>
+<p class="i2">Your proceedings are highly absurd, <span class="sc">John</span>!</p>
+<p>Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast,</p>
+<p class="i2">And thereby, friend <span class="sc">John</span>, hangs a <i>big</i> tale.</p>
+<p>When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take</p>
+<p class="i2">A sailor's round turn at your pigtail!</p>
+<p class="i4">Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key.</p>
+<p class="i4">Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to <i>Me</i>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For thousands of years your pride and your fears</p>
+<p class="i2">Have muddled your market completely.</p>
+<p>Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug</p>
+<p class="i2">Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly.</p>
+<p>'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick,</p>
+<p class="i2">Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy;</p>
+<p>Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware.</p>
+<p class="i2">Rouse up, open shop, and be happy!</p>
+<p class="i4">Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee!</p>
+<p class="i4">Throw open your markets, and leave it to <i>Me</i>!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For ever so long you've been going all wrong.</p>
+<p class="i2">Your Empire is under a shadow;</p>
+<p>But well opened up, by ships, railways, and <span class="sc">Krupp</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">It will turn out a true El Dorado.</p>
+<p><i>Don't</i> fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore?</p>
+<p class="i2">You think me a cocky invader?</p>
+<p>Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend,</p>
+<p class="i2">When I force you to be a free trader.</p>
+<p class="i4">Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee!</p>
+<p class="i4">Take down all your shutters, and hand <i>me</i> the key!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For <i>my</i> use alone? you inquire with a groan.</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, dear! you <i>must</i> be an old duffer!</p>
+<p>Excuse me this wink,&mdash;but what do <i>you</i> think?</p>
+<p class="i2">Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer</p>
+<p>The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">Any more than by yours, in their faces?</p>
+<p>Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know</p>
+<p class="i2">How to get into Europe's good graces.</p>
+<p class="i4">So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee!</p>
+<p class="i4">Throw open your market, and <i>hand me the key</i>!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>"STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES."</h3>
+
+<p>The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted
+inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the
+solitary periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title
+to imprint by everyone of them.</p>
+
+<p>"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the <cite>Lancet</cite>.
+"And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to
+their homes and profession as if nothing had happened."</p>
+
+<p>"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific
+publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause
+of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic phenomena."
+And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined
+together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in
+company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented
+each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full
+of figures. A weird look appeared on their faces.</p>
+
+<p>"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the
+staircase is steep, let us descend by the window."</p>
+
+<p>The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and
+gently sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked
+together for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four
+cross-roads, scattered.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found
+himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined
+to agree with the <cite>Lancet</cite>, 'that the phenomenon remains striking and
+mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its concrete
+form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and, believing
+this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat down and
+composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of the Royal
+College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of <cite>Hue and Cry</cite>.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page196" id="page196"></a>[pg 196]</span></p>
+
+<h2 class="sans">BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.</h2>
+
+<p class="title2a"><span class="sc">By Dunno Währiar.</span></p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast.</i>)</p>
+
+<h3><span class="sc">No. II.&mdash;The Illustrious Stranger.</span></h3>
+
+<p>The sky was darkened by
+swart birds, with tufted tails,
+and a look in their clay-coloured
+eyes as of millions of
+stifled croaks; the rain fell in
+grizzled sheets like the streaming
+hair and beard of some
+Titanic lunatic, and the thunder
+boomed over the town as if
+it had just discovered another
+epoch-making novel.</p>
+
+<p>Night fell; I lit my lamp
+and closed the shutters, drew
+my curtains, so as to shut out
+any gleaming cats' eyes that
+might be peering at me through
+the chinks, and mixed myself
+a tumbler of hot punch.</p>
+
+<p>As I finished it, a wild piercing
+shriek rose from the universe,
+as though someone had
+run a pin into the Great Unknown,
+and a shining blue-white
+ball came down the
+chimney and burnt a hole in
+the yellow-green gloom of my
+hearthrug.</p>
+
+<p>I looked up; a strange man
+was sitting right in front of
+me. His crested hair had a
+blue-white gleam, like the
+electric light in a mountain
+hotel when the storm is nearly
+ended; it stuck out in a spiral
+fringe round his cheeks and
+chin; his mouth was prim like
+a purse; but his spectacles
+twinkled with laughter like
+the new ferrule on a gingham
+umbrella.</p>
+
+<p>"I am the Shaker of Society's
+Pillars, I have discovered
+that the Tree of Knowledge
+of Good and Evil bears
+nothing but rotten apples.
+There are milestones on the
+Bergen road&mdash;but I can see
+through most of them. I am the New Generation knocking at the
+old stage-door. I am also the
+Dramatiser of Social Conundrums
+to which there will
+never be any answer."</p>
+
+<p>Time passed&mdash;a second or an
+hour. I began to wish he
+would go.</p>
+
+<p>"I am the great Wizard
+that has ennobled and purified
+Humanity by showing that
+they are all the morbid victims
+of a diseased heredity. The
+great fire at Christiania was
+<i>not</i> the fire in which <i>Mrs. Solness's</i>
+nine dolls were burnt.
+I am he who has emancipated
+Woman by convincing her
+that she has the <i>right</i> to be
+hysterical."</p>
+
+<p>Again time passed&mdash;an hour
+or a second. I fancy I must
+have dropped off to sleep.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 345px;"><a href="images/196a-1000.png"><img src="images/196a-345.png" width="345" height="470" alt="'I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep.'" /></a>
+"I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep."</div>
+
+<p>"I am he who has broken
+through the conventions of
+the well-constructed drama.
+When we lived at Drontheim,
+<span class="sc">Bernick's</span> gander was stolen
+by tinkers. I am the original
+eld, and also the child who
+instructs the grandmotherly
+critic in the art of sucking
+problematic eggs; but I, too,
+am a master-builder of magnificent
+bathos."</p>
+
+<p>And again time passed&mdash;a
+second or an hour. I wondered
+whether he had come to
+stay the night.</p>
+
+<p>"Read, I am called 'dramatic';
+acted, I am called
+'impossible.'"</p>
+
+<p>With that the cock crew.
+The stranger had flown before
+I had an opportunity of asking
+him his name or asking
+him to look in again some
+evening.</p>
+
+<p>I was rather sorry, for he
+seemed to have a flow of agreeable
+small talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MECUM.</h3>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 180px;"><a href="images/196b-360.png"><img src="images/196b-180.png" width="180" height="242" alt="The Would-Be Soldier's Vade Mecum." /></a></div>
+
+<p><i>Question.</i> Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps?</p>
+
+<p><i>Answer.</i> With the intention of strengthening our national defences.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Then you think such a proceeding patriotic?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Not only patriotic, but necessary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> You probably have some recollection
+of the French collapse in 1870-71?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Yes; but I have been chiefly influenced
+by considerations of a mathematical
+character.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Make your meaning plainer.</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> I mean that it stands to reason that as
+only a small percentage of our people are
+trained to arms, and ninety-six per cent of
+our neighbours are converted into soldiers,
+the latter, in the case of a quarrel with us,
+would have the upper hand.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And you think a quarrel entailing the
+arbitration of the sword might be sprung
+upon us at any moment?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Precisely; that is entirely my opinion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And, consequently, you take a serious view of Volunteering?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Assuredly, or I would not give up most of my leisure time to
+master drill in all its branches.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform
+of a Volunteer?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> No; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long run
+causes considerable expense; and the commission of an officer is inseparable
+from large expenditure and a loss of self-respect.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Why is the holding of a commission of a Volunteer officer
+"inseparable from a loss of self-respect"?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Because, in the general estimation, the holder of a commission
+in the Volunteers is worthy of ridicule, pity, or contempt.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Can you give the reason for this impression?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> It is probable that it has been created by the consideration that
+a Volunteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his enemies,
+and mulcted of much money by his comrades.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Then a Volunteer officer or private usually joins the force from
+the most patriotic of motives?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their commanding
+officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repelling a
+foreign invasion.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And this being so, they do not wish to spend three or four days
+of training in practising "marches past" and other man&oelig;uvres of a
+more or less ornamental character?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Quite so; not even when the practice terminates with a review
+in a royal park, and a salute performed to the strains of the National
+Anthem.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raree show?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And if you are told that this is the sort of thing that the
+Volunteers want, what do you reply?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Nonsense.</p>
+
+<p><i>Q.</i> And if it were added that more serious work would be unpopular,
+what would be your suggestion?</p>
+
+<p><i>A.</i> Try and see.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Mem. for Vetoists.</span>&mdash;It is the question of "tied" houses which
+makes the compensation question so knotty.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page197" id="page197"></a>[pg 197]</span></p>
+
+<h3>RAILWAY BALLADS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title2">I.&mdash;THE EXPRESS TRAIN.</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A gruesome tale I tell of the</p>
+<p>West-Eastern Railway Companee.</p>
+<p class="i2">"Its virtues few, its faults a score"&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">(I quote the view held heretofore).</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The chief among its faults, you see,</p>
+<p>Is sad unpunctualitee.</p>
+<p class="i2">Now, gentles all, list what befel</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Augustus Hall</span>, of Camberwell.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Fates were stern, the world unkind;</p>
+<p>And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>Che sarà, sarà!</i> Think how sad!</p>
+<p class="i2">His evil star it drove him mad!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"If life has no more joy to give,"</p>
+<p>Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live.</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor yet delay an hour to dine,</p>
+<p class="i2">But straightway lay me on the line.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"The train now due will end distress&mdash;</p>
+<p>So haste thee, Two o'clock Express!"</p>
+<p class="i2">With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack;</p>
+<p class="i2">But climbed upon the railway-track.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He waited now two hours&mdash;not less;</p>
+<p>And yet, I vow, came no express!</p>
+<p class="i2">And he had nought his pangs to ease.</p>
+<p class="i2">He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He had to fast. He fain would sup.</p>
+<p>The hours flew past. He sate him up.</p>
+<p class="i2">"'Tis strangely late. I should not mind&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">I'd gladly wait&mdash;if I had dined.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"If I'd a joint that I could carve,</p>
+<p>I'd strain a point; but here to starve!!</p>
+<p class="i2">May I be hung if e'er I see</p>
+<p class="i2">Such gross unpunctualitee!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"No gentleman can now depend</p>
+<p>On any plan to plan his end."</p>
+<p class="i2">Twelve hours or more he waited thus.</p>
+<p class="i2">"A train?" he swore; "an <i>omnibus!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"It tarries yet all through the night,</p>
+<p>And helps to whet my appetite!"</p>
+<p class="i2">His hunger grew inside his chest;</p>
+<p class="i2">With nought to chew, he was&mdash;<i>non est</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Two days pass by, and then we find</p>
+<p>The train draw nigh, three days behind!</p>
+<p class="i2">Directors sigh, deplore, and frown;</p>
+<p class="i2">And fine the driver half-a-crown.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"But had I been on time," <span class="sc">Jack</span> said,</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Hall's</span> death, I ween, were on my head."</p>
+<p class="i2">"Quite true, good <span class="sc">Jack</span>! Our conscience pricks.</p>
+<p class="i2">We hand you back your two-and-six!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+
+<p class="i16"><i>Envoi.</i></p>
+
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8">Now that is all I have to tell</p>
+<p class="i8">Of Mr. <span class="sc">Hall</span>, of Camberwell.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/197a-1100.png"><img src="images/197a-370.png" width="370" height="463" alt="THESE DULL TIMES." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">THESE DULL TIMES.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Lady Gushton</i> (<i>always so agreeable</i>). "<span class="sc">And the magnificent
+Pictures you had here last year,&mdash;have you got them all still?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Flake Whyte</i> (<i>sadly</i>). "<span class="sc">Yes; I have them all.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lady Gushton.</i> "<span class="sc">How very nice! It is so hard to part with one's own
+Pictures, is it not?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Flake Whyte</i> (<i>with much feeling</i>). "<span class="sc">Awfully, awfully hard!
+Sometimes impossible!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Brown</span> and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We
+has managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers,
+and werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage
+to quarrell among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel.
+There's a depperty Counseller among em who will
+tork whenever he gets a hoppertunity, yes and keeps
+the pot a biling, as <span class="sc">Brown</span> says, for nearly arf a
+nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a
+cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others
+has a jolly larf.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 100px;"><a href="images/197b-230.png"><img src="images/197b-100.png" width="100" height="186" alt="Deputy County Counseller" /></a></div>
+
+<p>Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy,
+and so we are offen hearing of their going
+up the River, when there's two much water there,
+and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a
+lot of it away, but from what I hears they don't
+seem for to be werry sucksessful.</p>
+
+<p>Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other
+day and took ever so many Ladies with em, and jolly
+nice dinners they had on bord after the Race was over and there wasn't
+no more fear of no more rane, which had rayther spylt the morning.</p>
+
+<p>It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellors tork about the Copperation
+nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago!
+Then it was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your
+pardon, and arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never
+thort to see such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two
+places where they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the
+Court of Common Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of
+these honnerd places the few as wenters in do look uncumferal
+indeed! and the reel natives don't show them no pitty! not a bit of
+it, but takes a quiet larf whenever they gits a good chance.</p>
+
+<p>I've herd as one of the Counsellors has been herd to say as there
+are no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em
+quite equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it
+was only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare
+chance!</p>
+
+<p>The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County
+Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was
+only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance,
+to raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates!</p>
+
+<p>I wunder if it's all trew!</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Robert.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">The Newest Nuisance.</span>&mdash;The woman with a past before her.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page198" id="page198"></a>[pg 198]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/198-1500.png"><img src="images/198-600.png" width="600" height="381" alt="PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Coot-night, Mrs. Prown. I haf to sank you for de most bleasant Efening I
+haf effer schbent in my life!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Oh, don't say that, Herr Schmidt!</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Ach! bot I <i>do</i> say dat! I <i>alvays</i> say dat!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE NEW CONDUCTOR.</h2>
+
+<p class="ind3">["You have been elected by a majority of the House. You are the
+representative of the whole House."&mdash;<i>Report of the Right Hon. Arthur
+Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker.</i>]</p>
+
+<h3><i>Mr. Punch to Mr. Speaker.</i></h3>
+
+<div class="poem width33">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If the Second Fiddle's satisfied, you're all right with the First!</p>
+<p class="i2">The Harp may heed your <i>bâton</i>, and as for the Big Drum,</p>
+<p>When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorous burst,</p>
+<p class="i2">That makes the whole proscenium shake and hum;</p>
+<p>What matter if the clatter, and the bang and bump and batter,</p>
+<p class="i18">      Keep but time?</p>
+<p>If they're docile to your nod, and obedient to your rod,</p>
+<p class="i2">The New Conductor's post will be prime!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odds,</p>
+<p class="i2">And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row;</p>
+<p>But, good gracious! there were shines sometimes among the Olympian gods,</p>
+<p class="i2">And the noisy ones look milk and honey <i>now</i>.</p>
+<p>The brazen and the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy,</p>
+<p class="i18">      For a while;</p>
+<p>Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle</p>
+<p class="i2">Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile:</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The <i>tutti</i> did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife,</p>
+<p class="i2">They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New;</p>
+<p>And <span class="sc">Wh-tbr-d's</span> tootling piccolo, and <span class="sc">Wh-rt-n's</span> wry-neck'd fife,</p>
+<p class="i2">Went decidedly a little bit askew.</p>
+<p>But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together,</p>
+<p class="i18">      String and reed,</p>
+<p>Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass</p>
+<p class="i2">That the New Conductor's <i>début</i> will succeed.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt,</p>
+<p class="i2">Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow;</p>
+<p>But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about.</p>
+<p class="i2">A Mercury <i>can</i> play, though no Apollo.</p>
+<p>So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound!</p>
+<p class="i18">      Tap, tap, tap!</p>
+<p>Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof,</p>
+<p class="i2">The orchestra agree to cheer and clap!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead:</p>
+<p class="i2">Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,</p>
+<p>Great was the <i>bâton</i>-wielder 'tis your fortune to succeed;</p>
+<p class="i2">But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear!</p>
+<p><i>Punch</i> trusts the name of <span class="sc">Gully</span> on Fame's roll will not shine dully</p>
+<p class="i18">      At the end!</p>
+<p>Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know</p>
+<p class="i2">That he finds in each performer a fair friend!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>PARTY POLITICS.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man</i> (<i>conciliatory</i>). You're a Tory?</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man</i> (<i>also conciliatory</i>). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes,
+a Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man.</i> Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man.</i> Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in
+some ways.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man.</i> Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories.
+Now take Disestablishment.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man.</i> Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the
+Liberals.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man.</i> Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if
+they supported Home Rule.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man.</i> And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want
+Disestablishment.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man.</i> Now, <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man.</i> Ah, yes. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>First Man.</i> He opposes Home Rule.</p>
+
+<p class="ind2b"><i>Second Man.</i> He supports Disestablishment.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Left mutually abusing</i> Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Fashionable Intelligence.</span>&mdash;"The <span class="sc">Lord Lieutenant</span> was
+present at Punchestown for the races. His Excellency and the house
+party from the Viceregal Lodge, which included <span class="sc">Toby</span>, M.P., met
+with a hearty reception." Naturally. If <span class="sc">Toby</span>, M.P. was not made
+welcome at <i>Punch's</i> town, who should be?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">City Notes.</span>&mdash;<i>The latest Crushing Report.</i>&mdash;The Londonderry Mine.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page199" id="page199"></a>[pg 199]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/199-1500.png"><img src="images/199-600.png" width="600" height="452" alt="THE NEW CONDUCTOR." /></a>
+<h2><big>THE NEW CONDUCTOR.</big></h2>
+
+<p>"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE REPRESENTATIVE OF
+THE WHOLE HOUSE."</p>
+
+<p><i>Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker.</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page200" id="page200"></a>[pg 200]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page201" id="page201"></a>[pg 201]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/201-1000.png"><img src="images/201-330.png" width="330" height="465" alt="A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.</h3></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TRADE BETRAYED.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>Returned Anglo-Indian Colonel</i> (<i>to friend of
+his boyhood</i>). Either your climate is colder than
+it used to be, or your coals throw out less heat.
+Which is it?</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> Oh, it's the coals. Rubbishy
+things, rather. Come from Tomsk in Siberia.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>R. A.-I. C.</i> Siberia! They ought to be sent
+there! But aren't English coals good enough?</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> Oh, yes, they're <i>good</i> enough.
+But then, you see, they're dear. That's the
+result of the last coal strike.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>R. A.-I. C.</i> Oh, I heard about that at Bangalore.
+Then how about your razors? I bought
+one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me,
+I've only used it once and it's blunt already.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> "Made in Germany," no doubt.
+The trade's gone over there, they say.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>R. A.-I. C.</i> And boots, now. Why has the
+pair I got in the City a month ago split open in
+two places?</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> <i>That's</i> the late boot
+strike. Cheap American goods have
+ousted the genuine British article.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>R. A.-I. C.</i> (<i>meditatively</i>). Ah&mdash;heard
+of the boot strike too at Bangalore.
+But I didn't find my bootmaker
+charged me any less than in
+the old days for 'em. Tell you what,
+there's only one thing that will save
+England.</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> What's that?</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>R. A.-I. C.</i> Why, a new kind
+of strike altogether. Why shouldn't
+the strikers <i>strike striking?</i> Eh?</p>
+
+<p class="ind1"><i>His Friend.</i> That never struck me.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>They part pensively.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>MY PIPE.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I do not now attempt to sing,</p>
+<p class="i2">With laudatory phrases,</p>
+<p>That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing,</p>
+<p class="i2">Which poet, painter praises:</p>
+<p>Beloved by <span class="sc">Turner</span>, <span class="sc">Claude</span>, or <span class="sc">Cuyp</span>,</p>
+<p>The excellent tobacco-pipe.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,</p>
+<p class="i2">Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy,</p>
+<p>Or organ ones, because you might</p>
+<p class="i2">Read books on them, from <span class="sc">Mudie</span>,</p>
+<p>In varied tongues, in varied type&mdash;</p>
+<p>On any sort of music pipe.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor, plagued of late however much</p>
+<p class="i2">By bronchial affections,</p>
+<p>Do I propose just now to touch,</p>
+<p class="i2">With medical reflections,</p>
+<p>On what Jack Frost delights to gripe,</p>
+<p>My choking, wheezing, sore wind-pipe,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Nor am I speaking now of wine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor yet, from <span class="sc">Marryat</span> learning,</p>
+<p>Of what the Cockney would define&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Poor A as ever spurning&mdash;</p>
+<p>"The sime in nime, but not in shipe,"</p>
+<p>The pipe of port; the boatswain's pipe.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>No! Now I sing&mdash;but not with praise,</p>
+<p class="i2">To praise it would be rummer</p>
+<p>Than any other sort of craze,</p>
+<p class="i2">Excepting in a plumber;</p>
+<p>I am not such a fool, a "snipe,"</p>
+<p>As says the Bard&mdash;my water-pipe.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For weeks I could not get a drop</p>
+<p class="i2">Of water, it was frozen;</p>
+<p>When thus congealed the thing would stop,</p>
+<p class="i2">I spoke as would a boatswain.</p>
+<p>For seamen's oaths the time was ripe,</p>
+<p>I here translate them&mdash;Hang that pipe!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then suddenly, of course at night,</p>
+<p class="i2">There came a sudden splashing,</p>
+<p>And I, in most unequal fight,</p>
+<p class="i2">About my bedroom dashing,</p>
+<p>With sheets and towels tried to wipe,</p>
+<p>Or check, the flood from that vile pipe.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You would not say that frost is fine,</p>
+<p class="i2">So exquisitely bracing,</p>
+<p>If you had had a pipe like mine,</p>
+<p class="i2">Your ruined home defacing;</p>
+<p>On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe;&mdash;</p>
+<p>Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Song of the Peace Terms (Sung
+To China).</span>&mdash;"Oh, Let us be Jappy
+together!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page202" id="page202"></a>[pg 202]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/202-1500.png"><img src="images/202-600.png" width="600" height="432" alt="PARLIAMENTARY 'LIBERTY MEN' COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN DAYS' LEAVE." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">PARLIAMENTARY "LIBERTY MEN" COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN DAYS' LEAVE.</h2></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page203" id="page203"></a>[pg 203]</span></p>
+
+<h3>A SONG OF SPRING.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, painters, you who always "come</p>
+<p class="i2">Before the swallow dares, and take</p>
+<p>The winds of March"&mdash;till May&mdash;with some</p>
+<p class="i2">Atrocious smell of paint, and make</p>
+<p>The streets in such a shocking state, you</p>
+<p>Are quite a nuisance&mdash;how I hate you!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How can I wear in peace a neat,</p>
+<p class="i2">Silk hat, and coat of decent black,</p>
+<p>When, passing you in any street,</p>
+<p class="i2">Your paint may tumble on my back,</p>
+<p>Or I may smash, which might be sadder,</p>
+<p>My hat against your sloping ladder?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How can the spring delight my mind,</p>
+<p class="i2">How can I like the budding trees,</p>
+<p>The butterflies of any kind?</p>
+<p class="i2">A Painted Lady could not please</p>
+<p>In any way the mental man,</p>
+<p>Were I a painted gentleman.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>How can I like the balmy air,</p>
+<p class="i2">How dream of violets in bloom,</p>
+<p>When paint-pots swing aloft and scare</p>
+<p class="i2">With visions of impending doom?</p>
+<p>I'm mad and hot&mdash;quite crimson madder&mdash;</p>
+<p>With dodging each successive ladder.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>TO A BANTLING.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Lines written to a Lady who "Banted."</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Some rhymes to make you laugh? I can't</p>
+<p class="i2">Drop, Wegg-like, into rhyme instanter.</p>
+<p>It's easiness itself to bant,</p>
+<p class="i2">Comparatively hard to banter.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The many pretty things I'd say,</p>
+<p class="i2">The pleasant thoughts I'd like to utter,</p>
+<p>I may not do, it seems to-day&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">You scorn the bare idea of <i>butter!</i></p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Sweets to the sweet." Not long ago,</p>
+<p class="i2">Why chocolates&mdash;you'd gladly greet them.</p>
+<p>Now you've abandoned them, and so</p>
+<p class="i2">You never (hardly ever) eat them.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To see you drink hot water&mdash;that</p>
+<p class="i2">The very stoniest heart would soften,</p>
+<p>You evidently think it flat,</p>
+<p class="i2">You're in it&mdash;aren't you&mdash;much too often?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet whether 9st. 12, as when</p>
+<p class="i2">You weighed that day at Margate Station,</p>
+<p>Or 10st. 7, or 7st. 10,</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I</i> can't pretend to indignation.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>To bant from early morn till late</p>
+<p class="i2">May be, of course, supremely right of you;</p>
+<p>But if you feel oppressed by weight,</p>
+<p class="i2">Would it not do if we made light of you?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Though that I swear I will not do,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let others, if they like, make bold to&mdash;</p>
+<p>I merely write these rhymes for you,</p>
+<p class="i2">I <i>always</i> do just what I'm told to!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But if you cease to peak and pine</p>
+<p class="i2">(For Time the Banting Conscience hardens),</p>
+<p>You will not fail to drop a line&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">My chambers are in Temple Gardens.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>SEXOMANIA.</h3>
+
+<p class="center"><i>By an Angry Old Buffer.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"When <span class="sc">Adam</span> delved and <span class="sc">Eve</span> span,"</p>
+<p>No one need ask which was the man.</p>
+<p>Bicycling, footballing, scarce human,</p>
+<p>All wonder now "Which is the woman?"</p>
+<p>But a new fear my bosom vexes;</p>
+<p>To-morrow there may be <i>no</i> sexes!</p>
+<p>Unless, as end to all the pother,</p>
+<p>Each one in fact becomes the other.</p>
+<p>E'en <i>then</i> perhaps they'll start amain</p>
+<p>A-trying to change back again!</p>
+<p>Woman <i>was</i> woman, man <i>was</i> man,</p>
+<p>When <span class="sc">Adam</span> delved and <span class="sc">Eve</span> span.</p>
+<p>Now he can't dig and she won't spin,</p>
+<p>Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/203-1000.png"><img src="images/203-320.png" width="320" height="471" alt="DOMESTIC TROUBLES." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">DOMESTIC TROUBLES.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">What is it, Nurse?</span>"</p>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">If you please, Ma'am, the Children <i>will</i> make Slides on the Floor
+with Tapioca Pudding!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>OSTRICH FEATHERS.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">["The magnificent ostrich at the Zoological Gardens, presented by the <span class="sc">Queen</span>, has recently
+died from lung-disease."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>My eyes are wet with dewy tears,</p>
+<p class="i2">That will not cease to flow.</p>
+<p>Like <span class="sc">Mary's</span> little lamb, my grief</p>
+<p class="i2">Somehow is sure to go</p>
+<p>Wherever I do. It all comes</p>
+<p class="i2">From something that I've read,</p>
+<p>The ostrich that I loved so well</p>
+<p class="i2">Fell ill, and now is dead.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"Magnificent" indeed, it was.</p>
+<p class="i2">I never ceased to take</p>
+<p>A pride in its magnificence</p>
+<p class="i2">For its own special sake.</p>
+<p>But added unto this there was</p>
+<p class="i2">An extra joy. I mean</p>
+<p>That loyalty asks ardour for</p>
+<p class="i2">A present from the <span class="sc">Queen</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh! ostrich. I have often thought</p>
+<p class="i2">Your smile childlike and bland,</p>
+<p>And speculated if it's true</p>
+<p class="i2">That right down in the sand</p>
+<p>You really <i>do</i> conceal your head.</p>
+<p class="i2">But even though that's wrong,</p>
+<p>It seems without a lung for life</p>
+<p class="i2">You could not live for long.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>My wife and I delight to hear</p>
+<p class="i2">Our wee girl's merry laugh,</p>
+<p>As she's astride the elephant</p>
+<p class="i2">Or feeding the giraffe.</p>
+<p>But ostrich&mdash;regal, lung-gone, dead!</p>
+<p class="i2">When we are at the Zoo,</p>
+<p>My wife's best hat will always serve</p>
+<p class="i2">To turn my thoughts to you.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page204" id="page204"></a>[pg 204]</span></p>
+
+<h3 class="sans">CARMENCITA.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>An Impression.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 260px;"><a href="images/204a-800.png"><img src="images/204a-260.png" width="260" height="472" alt="Carmencita" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"O east is east, and west is west</p>
+<p class="i2">And never the twain shall meet."</p>
+<p>And the dance of Spain is one of the twain</p>
+<p class="i2">To the English Man in the Street.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>We love the trick of the lofty kick</p>
+<p class="i2">And the muscular display</p>
+<p>Of the nymph who has leapt at a muslin hoop</p>
+<p class="i2">And stopp'd in her flight half-way.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A plain, blunt girl in the stormy swirl</p>
+<p class="i2">Of accordion pleats and laces,</p>
+<p>Tho' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is numbered among the Graces.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For heel and toe our hearts can glow</p>
+<p class="i2">And the feats of the rhythmic clog,</p>
+<p>And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion</p>
+<p class="i2">Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But the dancer's art, of her life a part,</p>
+<p class="i2">A song of the wordless soul</p>
+<p>With a tale to tell, like the music's swell,</p>
+<p class="i2">Too large for the word's control,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>That</i> goes not down in London town</p>
+<p class="i2">Where dogg'd conventions stick,</p>
+<p>And dancers still must charm with frill,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or "make shymnastic drick."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As the jungle king with his wrathful spring,</p>
+<p class="i2">To the lamb that aptly bleats,</p>
+<p>As the trumpet's blare to the palsied air</p>
+<p class="i2">Of that which plays in pleats,</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>So is east to west, with its sun-born zest,</p>
+<p class="i2">With fire at the quick heart's core,</p>
+<p>And passions bold as the ardent gold</p>
+<p class="i2">Of the sun on a southern shore.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>In brief.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"The sovereign'st thing on earth</p>
+<p>Was parmaceti, for an inward bruise."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i8"><i>Henry the Fourth</i>, Part I., Act i., Sc. 3.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>A quarrel, anything but pretty,</p>
+<p>Cannot be healed by parmaceti.</p>
+<p>But honour, bruisèd in the leg,</p>
+<p>Finds sovereign solace in an egg.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>REFLECTIONS OF A STATESMAN.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Saturday.</i>&mdash;Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment,
+Tories denouncing <i>me</i>. Like their impudence. Must order <span class="sc">Arthur
+Balfour</span> to stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall
+want Hythe thrown into the bargain. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> must write more
+letters. If our little lot are to get
+nothing out of all this, what's the use
+of having sacrificed principles and
+<span class="sc">Courtney</span>? Obviously none. <span class="sc">Jesse
+Collings</span> quite agrees. Says the
+Tories will repent, when it is too late,
+of having refused to submit to the
+greatest, wisest, most generous and
+noblest statesman of this or any other
+age, past or future. Wonderful amount
+of sense in <span class="sc">Jesse</span>. Shall make him
+Governor-General of India, or First
+Lord of Admiralty.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 150px;"><a href="images/204b-430.png"><img src="images/204b-150.png" width="150" height="164" alt="" /></a></div>
+
+<p><i>Monday.</i>&mdash;Have seen <span class="sc">Balfour</span>.
+Says he can do nothing at Leamington.
+Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate.
+<span class="sc">Me!</span> The mere notion ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him
+how about Compact. He said "Compact be &mdash;&mdash;". At this moment
+<span class="sc">Goschen</span> came in, and interrupted. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> said missing word
+was
+"observed." <span class="sc">Goschen</span> full of sympathy, but said he could do
+nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of Exchequer again.
+Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter in <i>Times</i> from
+<span class="sc">Geoffrey Drage</span>, saying kind things about me. Rather patronising,
+but well meant. Shall make <span class="sc">Drage</span> Home Secretary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Letter in <i>Times</i> from Lord <span class="sc">Teynham</span> attacking me
+on
+account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord
+might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please
+everybody. Have written to <span class="sc">Salisbury</span> ordering him to throw
+<span class="sc">Teynham</span> into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power.
+If he refuses, shall accept Premiership myself and execute <span class="sc">Teynham</span>
+on Tower Hill. Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march
+at head of Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground&mdash;all
+except three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists.
+That'll teach them to oppose <i>me</i>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday.</i>&mdash;Letter in <i>Times</i> from <span class="sc">Byron Reed</span>. Says I'm not
+so bad as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow <span class="sc">Byron</span>.
+Shall make him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to
+<span class="sc">Salisbury</span>, <span class="sc">Balfour</span>, <span class="sc">Akers-Douglas</span>, <span class="sc">Michael
+Hicks-Beach</span>, and
+<span class="sc">Chaplin</span>, ordering them to retire from public life. Shall run the
+show on entirely different lines with <span class="sc">Austen</span> and <span class="sc">Jesse</span> to help
+me.
+Have heard from editor of <i>New Review</i>, who refuses to disclose name
+of author, of an attack on me. Have sent <span class="sc">Henry James</span> to editor
+with new patent rack and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy.
+Never could bear malice. Always forgive everybody.... Notes
+from <span class="sc">Salisbury, Balfour &amp; Co.</span> They refuse to retire. <span class="sc">Henry
+James</span> returns. Editor broke rack and threw thumbscrews out of
+window. A very rude man, <span class="sc">Henry James</span> says. <span class="sc">Gully</span> elected
+Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham.</p>
+
+<p class="center">
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p><i>Later.</i>&mdash;Letter from <span class="sc">Hart Dyke</span> in the <i>Times</i>. A good
+fellow,
+<span class="sc">Hart Dyke</span>. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all
+presume to patronise <i>me?</i></p>
+
+<p class="center">
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>Letter in <i>Standard</i> from <span class="sc">Stanley Boulter</span>. Must stop that kind
+of nonsense. Leading article in <i>Standard</i>. Usual futilities: "We
+fully recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &amp;c. Shall
+refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with <span class="sc">Jesse</span> to found a
+Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">QUEER QUERY.&mdash;<span class="sc">Any Advance?</span>&mdash;I see that at the Shop
+Assistants' Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers
+ought to go in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a
+mistake? If there is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward
+young men and women behind the counter. One often hears the
+shop-walker say, "Will you come forward, Miss <span class="sc">Jones</span>, and serve this
+lady!" And perhaps <i>that</i> was what the Cardiff people were thinking
+of. Can this be the true explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't
+want a "forward" young person, a sort of "independent labour
+party," slamming down goods for <i>me</i> to inspect!&mdash;<span class="sc">Alarmed.</span></p>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, April 27, 1895, by Various
+
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Sir Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 19, 2014 [EBook #44708]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 108, APRIL 27, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.
+
+(_For the Use of Schools._)
+
+EXAMPLE I.--"AMARI A-LIQUID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST CRAZE.
+
+(_A Dramatic Study of Cause and Effect._)
+
+SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre._
+
+_Enter_ ANGELINA _and her people_.
+
+_Paterfamilias._ Well, now that we are here, I hope you are satisfied.
+As for myself, I hate these problem plays.
+
+_Materfamilias._ They are entirely the vogue just now, and we must see
+them. What everybody does we must do.
+
+_Angelina._ So I told EDWIN--I should say, Mr. DOMUM--when he
+complained of our going.
+
+_Mater._ Of course. We have to follow the fashion.
+
+_Pater._ Hush! You must not talk any more, see the curtain has risen.
+
+    (_Five minutes pass._)
+
+_First Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And so, my dear, my marriage was
+an utter failure. The monotony of the life was terrible. My husband
+anticipated my every wish. The tameness was too awful for words, and
+so I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Mater._ (_to her husband_). Ah, I never left you, RICHARD!
+
+_Pater._ (_to his wife_). Nor I you, BRIDGET!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). I suppose married life must be very wearisome.
+
+    (_Ten minutes pass._)
+
+_Second Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And now I will tell you the secret
+of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required--fine
+clothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents were insults
+in disguise, and I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Pater._ I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts, BRIDGET?
+
+_Mater._ Indeed you did not, RICHARD. In fact, I think you carried
+your abstention too far.
+
+_Pater._ Not at all. See, after these many years, we are devoted to
+one another!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Failure of Marriage Number Two! Weddings seem to
+be mistake!
+
+    (_Two hours pass._)
+
+_Third Heroine._ I tell you, my Lord Bishop, that I have never
+regretted leaving you. Twenty years ago you were a young curate,
+and you spoilt our married life by your indulgence. You let me have
+everything I wanted. No, my Lord, I will hear no more.
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Another matrimonial failure! I really must have
+a good think over it.
+
+_Pater._ (_to_ Mater.). Well, I hope you are satisfied!
+
+_Mater._ (_to_ Pater.). Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm
+it can do to anyone.
+
+    (_An hour passes._)
+
+_Angelina_ (_writing in her own room_). "Dear EDWIN, I call you by
+your christian name, for the last time. I can never be yours. I am
+convinced from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sincerely
+yours, ANGELINA."
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon a flood of tears._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEXAMETERS TO DATE; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP.
+
+    [Mr. FLINDERS PETRIE has just excavated the city of Ombi on
+    the Nile, and vindicated JUVENAL'S geographical reputation.]
+
+  _ECCE novi'st aliquid_ (_per FLINDERS PETRIE Magistrum_)
+  _Ex Africa semper!_ Quite like some arch-humourist rum,
+  Playing with tombs and skulls, he unearths fresh funny surprises,
+  Scandals of Athor's "past," or long-veiled secrets of Isis.
+  Now this gravedigger-_Yorick_, this Egypt's new ABERCROMBY,
+  Scores yet another conquest--he's found out JUVENAL'S Ombi,
+  Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will
+  See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel).
+  Thus they lived some ages B.C. (in the thirtieth cent'ry),
+  Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry,
+  Buried _a la_ trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair
+          rose;
+  These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the
+          PHARAOHS.
+  Dig then, PETRIE, away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders,
+  Delve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom of
+          FLINDERS!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Hearty congratulations from the Baron and his assistants to Mr. H. W.
+LUCY on his delightful life of Mr. GLADSTONE (W. H. ALLEN & Co).
+No one certainly has had better opportunities than TOBY, M.P., for
+studying the great statesman in all his varying moods; and it may be
+affirmed with equal certainty that no other man (or dog) could have
+used his opportunities to greater advantage for the benefit of the
+public. There are in this little volume a tone of easy yet scholarly
+courtesy, a fine literary touch, and a marvellous power of condensing
+details into one vividly descriptive sentence. It is an admirable
+piece of work, which, seeing that it only costs a shilling, ought to
+be sure of a popularity fully equal to its high merits.
+
+"Bravo TOBY!" says
+
+[Illustration: THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF DESCRIPTIVE TITLE.--In the Egyptian explorations, the
+results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor
+PETRIE'S lecture, reported in the _Times_ of Thursday, April 18, the
+lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by Mr.
+GRENFELL, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of Professor PETRIE
+to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily timorous as is
+expressed in such a _sobriquet_ as "The Craven Fellow." However, he
+belied his name by showing such pluck and perseverance in rendering
+assistance to the Professor as will entitle him to explain himself
+as "_Late_ the Craven Fellow," but _now_ "the C. F., or Courageous
+Fellow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP.
+
+_Master of the Situation_ (_loq._). "NOW THEN, YOU PIG-HEADED OLD
+PIGTAIL, OPEN YOUR SHOP--AND HAND ME THE KEYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCORCHING.
+
+_First Countryman_ (_to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't
+have the Fence_). "NOW THEN, SHOVE 'IM AT IT AGIN, MISTER! WHOI DENGED
+IF OI WOULDN'T JUMP THAT 'ERE LITTLE PLACE WI' A JACKASS!"
+
+_Second Countryman._ "MAYBE YER WOULD, MA LAD; BUT YER SEE THAT 'ERE
+'OSS DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT JUMPING WI' A JACKASS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME."
+
+    ["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for
+    mankind.... The true conquest effected by the war is the
+    conquest of the right to a market, and that apparently on an
+    enormous scale."
+
+  _"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan._]
+
+
+_Little Jap loquitur_:--
+
+  Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap.
+    _Open Sesame!_ Yes, that's the word, JOHN!
+  In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop,
+    Your proceedings are highly absurd, JOHN!
+  Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast,
+    And thereby, friend JOHN, hangs a _big_ tale.
+  When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take
+    A sailor's round turn at your pigtail!
+      Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key.
+      Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to _Me_!
+
+  For thousands of years your pride and your fears
+    Have muddled your market completely.
+  Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug
+    Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly.
+  'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick,
+    Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy;
+  Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware.
+    Rouse up, open shop, and be happy!
+      Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee!
+      Throw open your markets, and leave it to _Me_!
+
+  For ever so long you've been going all wrong.
+    Your Empire is under a shadow;
+  But well opened up, by ships, railways, and KRUPP,
+    It will turn out a true El Dorado.
+  _Don't_ fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore?
+    You think me a cocky invader?
+  Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend,
+    When I force you to be a free trader.
+      Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Take down all your shutters, and hand _me_ the key!
+
+  For _my_ use alone? you inquire with a groan.
+    Oh, dear! you _must_ be an old duffer!
+  Excuse me this wink,--but what do _you_ think?
+    Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer
+  The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand,
+    Any more than by yours, in their faces?
+  Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know
+    How to get into Europe's good graces.
+      So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Throw open your market, and _hand me the key_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES."
+
+The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted
+inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the solitary
+periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title to
+imprint by everyone of them.
+
+"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the _Lancet_.
+"And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to their
+homes and profession as if nothing had happened."
+
+"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific
+publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause
+of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic
+phenomena." And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined
+together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in
+company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented
+each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full of
+figures. A weird look appeared on their faces.
+
+"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the staircase is
+steep, let us descend by the window."
+
+The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and gently
+sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked together
+for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four cross-roads,
+scattered.
+
+"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found
+himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined
+to agree with the _Lancet_, 'that the phenomenon remains striking
+and mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its
+concrete form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and,
+believing this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat
+down and composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of
+the Royal College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of _Hue
+and Cry_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WAeHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. II.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER.
+
+The sky was darkened by swart birds, with tufted tails, and a look in
+their clay-coloured eyes as of millions of stifled croaks; the rain
+fell in grizzled sheets like the streaming hair and beard of some
+Titanic lunatic, and the thunder boomed over the town as if it had
+just discovered another epoch-making novel.
+
+Night fell; I lit my lamp and closed the shutters, drew my curtains,
+so as to shut out any gleaming cats' eyes that might be peering at me
+through the chinks, and mixed myself a tumbler of hot punch.
+
+As I finished it, a wild piercing shriek rose from the universe, as
+though someone had run a pin into the Great Unknown, and a shining
+blue-white ball came down the chimney and burnt a hole in the
+yellow-green gloom of my hearthrug.
+
+I looked up; a strange man was sitting right in front of me. His
+crested hair had a blue-white gleam, like the electric light in a
+mountain hotel when the storm is nearly ended; it stuck out in a
+spiral fringe round his cheeks and chin; his mouth was prim like a
+purse; but his spectacles twinkled with laughter like the new ferrule
+on a gingham umbrella.
+
+"I am the Shaker of Society's Pillars, I have discovered that the Tree
+of Knowledge of Good and Evil bears nothing but rotten apples. There
+are milestones on the Bergen road--but I can see through most of them.
+I am the New Generation knocking at the old stage-door. I am also
+the Dramatiser of Social Conundrums to which there will never be any
+answer."
+
+Time passed--a second or an hour. I began to wish he would go.
+
+"I am the great Wizard that has ennobled and purified Humanity by
+showing that they are all the morbid victims of a diseased heredity.
+The great fire at Christiania was _not_ the fire in which _Mrs.
+Solness's_ nine dolls were burnt. I am he who has emancipated Woman by
+convincing her that she has the _right_ to be hysterical."
+
+Again time passed--an hour or a second. I fancy I must have dropped
+off to sleep.
+
+[Illustration: "I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep."]
+
+"I am he who has broken through the conventions of the
+well-constructed drama. When we lived at Drontheim, BERNICK'S gander
+was stolen by tinkers. I am the original eld, and also the child who
+instructs the grandmotherly critic in the art of sucking problematic
+eggs; but I, too, am a master-builder of magnificent bathos."
+
+And again time passed--a second or an hour. I wondered whether he had
+come to stay the night.
+
+"Read, I am called 'dramatic'; acted, I am called 'impossible.'"
+
+With that the cock crew. The stranger had flown before I had an
+opportunity of asking him his name or asking him to look in again some
+evening.
+
+I was rather sorry, for he seemed to have a flow of agreeable small
+talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps?
+
+_Answer._ With the intention of strengthening our national defences.
+
+_Q._ Then you think such a proceeding patriotic?
+
+_A._ Not only patriotic, but necessary.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Q._ You probably have some recollection of the French collapse in
+1870-71?
+
+_A._ Yes; but I have been chiefly influenced by considerations of a
+mathematical character.
+
+_Q._ Make your meaning plainer.
+
+_A._ I mean that it stands to reason that as only a small percentage
+of our people are trained to arms, and ninety-six per cent of our
+neighbours are converted into soldiers, the latter, in the case of a
+quarrel with us, would have the upper hand.
+
+_Q._ And you think a quarrel entailing the arbitration of the sword
+might be sprung upon us at any moment?
+
+_A._ Precisely; that is entirely my opinion.
+
+_Q._ And, consequently, you take a serious view of Volunteering?
+
+_A._ Assuredly, or I would not give up most of my leisure time to
+master drill in all its branches.
+
+_Q._ Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform of a
+Volunteer?
+
+_A._ No; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long run
+causes considerable expense; and the commission of an officer is
+inseparable from large expenditure and a loss of self-respect.
+
+_Q._ Why is the holding of a commission of a Volunteer officer
+"inseparable from a loss of self-respect"?
+
+_A._ Because, in the general estimation, the holder of a commission in
+the Volunteers is worthy of ridicule, pity, or contempt.
+
+_Q._ Can you give the reason for this impression?
+
+_A._ It is probable that it has been created by the consideration
+that a Volunteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his
+enemies, and mulcted of much money by his comrades.
+
+_Q._ Then a Volunteer officer or private usually joins the force from
+the most patriotic of motives?
+
+_A._ Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their commanding
+officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repelling a foreign
+invasion.
+
+_Q._ And this being so, they do not wish to spend three or four days
+of training in practising "marches past" and other man[oe]uvres of a
+more or less ornamental character?
+
+_A._ Quite so; not even when the practice terminates with a review in
+a royal park, and a salute performed to the strains of the National
+Anthem.
+
+_Q._ Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raree show?
+
+_A._ Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday.
+
+_Q._ And if you are told that this is the sort of thing that the
+Volunteers want, what do you reply?
+
+_A._ Nonsense.
+
+_Q._ And if it were added that more serious work would be unpopular,
+what would be your suggestion?
+
+_A._ Try and see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. FOR VETOISTS.--It is the question of "tied" houses which makes
+the compensation question so knotty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY BALLADS.
+
+I.--THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
+
+  A gruesome tale I tell of the
+  West-Eastern Railway Companee.
+    "Its virtues few, its faults a score"--
+    (I quote the view held heretofore).
+
+  The chief among its faults, you see,
+  Is sad unpunctualitee.
+    Now, gentles all, list what befel
+    AUGUSTUS HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+  The Fates were stern, the world unkind;
+  And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.
+    _Che sara, sara!_ Think how sad!
+    His evil star it drove him mad!
+
+  "If life has no more joy to give,"
+  Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live.
+    Nor yet delay an hour to dine,
+    But straightway lay me on the line.
+
+  "The train now due will end distress--
+  So haste thee, Two o'clock Express!"
+    With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack;
+    But climbed upon the railway-track.
+
+  He waited now two hours--not less;
+  And yet, I vow, came no express!
+    And he had nought his pangs to ease.
+    He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese.
+
+  He had to fast. He fain would sup.
+  The hours flew past. He sate him up.
+    "'Tis strangely late. I should not mind--
+    I'd gladly wait--if I had dined.
+
+  "If I'd a joint that I could carve,
+  I'd strain a point; but here to starve!!
+    May I be hung if e'er I see
+    Such gross unpunctualitee!
+
+  "No gentleman can now depend
+  On any plan to plan his end."
+    Twelve hours or more he waited thus.
+    "A train?" he swore; "an _omnibus!_
+
+  "It tarries yet all through the night,
+  And helps to whet my appetite!"
+    His hunger grew inside his chest;
+    With nought to chew, he was--_non est_.
+
+  Two days pass by, and then we find
+  The train draw nigh, three days behind!
+    Directors sigh, deplore, and frown;
+    And fine the driver half-a-crown.
+
+  "But had I been on time," JACK said,
+  "HALL'S death, I ween, were on my head."
+    "Quite true, good JACK! Our conscience pricks.
+    We hand you back your two-and-six!"
+
+_Envoi._
+
+  Now that is all I have to tell
+  Of Mr. HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THESE DULL TIMES.
+
+_Lady Gushton_ (_always so agreeable_). "AND THE MAGNIFICENT PICTURES
+YOU HAD HERE LAST YEAR,--HAVE YOU GOT THEM ALL STILL?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_sadly_). "YES; I HAVE THEM ALL."
+
+_Lady Gushton._ "HOW VERY NICE! IT IS SO HARD TO PART WITH ONE'S OWN
+PICTURES, IS IT NOT?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_with much feeling_). "AWFULLY, AWFULLY HARD!
+SOMETIMES IMPOSSIBLE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS.
+
+BROWN and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We has
+managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers, and
+werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage to quarrell
+among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel. There's
+a depperty Counseller among em who will tork whenever he gets a
+hoppertunity, yes and keeps the pot a biling, as BROWN says, for
+nearly arf a nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a
+cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others has a jolly larf.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy, and so we are
+offen hearing of their going up the River, when there's two much water
+there, and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a lot of
+it away, but from what I hears they don't seem for to be werry
+sucksessful.
+
+Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other day and took ever
+so many Ladies with em, and jolly nice dinners they had on bord after
+the Race was over and there wasn't no more fear of no more rane, which
+had rayther spylt the morning.
+
+It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellors tork about the Copperation
+nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago! Then it
+was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your pardon, and
+arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never thort to see
+such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two places where
+they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the Court of Common
+Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of these honnerd places
+the few as wenters in do look uncumferal indeed! and the reel natives
+don't show them no pitty! not a bit of it, but takes a quiet larf
+whenever they gits a good chance.
+
+I've herd as one of the Counsellors has been herd to say as there are
+no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em quite
+equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it was
+only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare chance!
+
+The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County
+Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was
+only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance, to
+raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates!
+
+I wunder if it's all trew!
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEWEST NUISANCE.--The woman with a past before her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
+
+"COOT-NIGHT, MRS. PROWN. I HAF TO SANK YOU FOR DE MOST BLEASANT
+EFENING I HAF EFFER SCHBENT IN MY LIFE!"
+
+"OH, DON'T SAY THAT, HERR SCHMIDT!"
+
+"ACH! BOT I _DO_ SAY DAT! I _ALVAYS_ SAY DAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+["You have been elected by a majority of the House. You are the
+representative of the whole House."--_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur
+Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+_Mr. Punch to Mr. Speaker._
+
+  If the Second Fiddle's satisfied, you're all right with the First!
+    The Harp may heed your _baton_, and as for the Big Drum,
+  When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorous burst,
+    That makes the whole proscenium shake and hum;
+  What matter if the clatter, and the bang and bump and batter,
+                          Keep but time?
+  If they're docile to your nod, and obedient to your rod,
+    The New Conductor's post will be prime!
+
+  The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odds,
+    And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row;
+  But, good gracious! there were shines sometimes among the Olympian gods,
+    And the noisy ones look milk and honey _now_.
+  The brazen and the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy,
+                          For a while;
+  Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle
+    Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile:
+
+  The _tutti_ did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife,
+    They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New;
+  And WH-TBR-D'S tootling piccolo, and WH-RT-N'S wry-neck'd fife,
+    Went decidedly a little bit askew.
+  But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together,
+                          String and reed,
+  Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass
+    That the New Conductor's _debut_ will succeed.
+
+  The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt,
+    Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow;
+  But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about.
+    A Mercury _can_ play, though no Apollo.
+  So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound!
+                          Tap, tap, tap!
+  Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof,
+    The orchestra agree to cheer and clap!
+
+  Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead:
+    Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,
+  Great was the _baton_-wielder 'tis your fortune to succeed;
+    But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear!
+  _Punch_ trusts the name of GULLY on Fame's roll will not shine dully
+                          At the end!
+  Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know
+    That he finds in each performer a fair friend!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARTY POLITICS.
+
+_First Man_ (_conciliatory_). You're a Tory?
+
+_Second Man_ (_also conciliatory_). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes, a
+Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule----
+
+_First Man._ Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in some
+ways.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories. Now
+take Disestablishment.
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the
+Liberals.
+
+_First Man._ Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if they
+supported Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want
+Disestablishment.
+
+_First Man._ Now, CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, yes. CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_First Man._ He opposes Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ He supports Disestablishment.
+
+    [_Left mutually abusing_ Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--"The LORD LIEUTENANT was present at
+Punchestown for the races. His Excellency and the house party from
+the Viceregal Lodge, which included TOBY, M.P., met with a hearty
+reception." Naturally. If TOBY, M.P. was not made welcome at _Punch's_
+town, who should be?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY NOTES.--_The latest Crushing Report._--The Londonderry Mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE
+REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHOLE HOUSE."
+
+_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of
+Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRADE BETRAYED.
+
+_Returned Anglo-Indian Colonel_ (_to friend of his boyhood_). Either
+your climate is colder than it used to be, or your coals throw out
+less heat. Which is it?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, it's the coals. Rubbishy things, rather. Come from
+Tomsk in Siberia.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Siberia! They ought to be sent there! But aren't English
+coals good enough?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, yes, they're _good_ enough. But then, you see,
+they're dear. That's the result of the last coal strike.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Oh, I heard about that at Bangalore. Then how about your
+razors? I bought one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me, I've
+only used it once and it's blunt already.
+
+_His Friend._ "Made in Germany," no doubt. The trade's gone over
+there, they say.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ And boots, now. Why has the pair I got in the City a
+month ago split open in two places?
+
+_His Friend._ _That's_ the late boot strike. Cheap American goods have
+ousted the genuine British article.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ (_meditatively_). Ah--heard of the boot strike too at
+Bangalore. But I didn't find my bootmaker charged me any less than in
+the old days for 'em. Tell you what, there's only one thing that will
+save England.
+
+_His Friend._ What's that?
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Why, a new kind of strike altogether. Why shouldn't the
+strikers _strike striking?_ Eh?
+
+_His Friend._ That never struck me.
+
+    [_They part pensively._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PIPE.
+
+  I do not now attempt to sing,
+    With laudatory phrases,
+  That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing,
+    Which poet, painter praises:
+  Beloved by TURNER, CLAUDE, or CUYP,
+  The excellent tobacco-pipe.
+
+  Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,
+    Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy,
+  Or organ ones, because you might
+    Read books on them, from MUDIE,
+  In varied tongues, in varied type--
+  On any sort of music pipe.
+
+  Nor, plagued of late however much
+    By bronchial affections,
+  Do I propose just now to touch,
+    With medical reflections,
+  On what Jack Frost delights to gripe,
+  My choking, wheezing, sore wind-pipe,
+
+  Nor am I speaking now of wine,
+    Nor yet, from MARRYAT learning,
+  Of what the Cockney would define--
+    Poor A as ever spurning--
+  "The sime in nime, but not in shipe,"
+  The pipe of port; the boatswain's pipe.
+
+  No! Now I sing--but not with praise,
+    To praise it would be rummer
+  Than any other sort of craze,
+    Excepting in a plumber;
+  I am not such a fool, a "snipe,"
+  As says the Bard--my water-pipe.
+
+  For weeks I could not get a drop
+    Of water, it was frozen;
+  When thus congealed the thing would stop,
+    I spoke as would a boatswain.
+  For seamen's oaths the time was ripe,
+  I here translate them--Hang that pipe!
+
+  Then suddenly, of course at night,
+    There came a sudden splashing,
+  And I, in most unequal fight,
+    About my bedroom dashing,
+  With sheets and towels tried to wipe,
+  Or check, the flood from that vile pipe.
+
+  You would not say that frost is fine,
+    So exquisitely bracing,
+  If you had had a pipe like mine,
+    Your ruined home defacing;
+  On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe;--
+  Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF THE PEACE TERMS (SUNG TO CHINA).--"Oh, Let us be Jappy
+together!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY "LIBERTY MEN" COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN
+DAYS' LEAVE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF SPRING.
+
+  Oh, painters, you who always "come
+    Before the swallow dares, and take
+  The winds of March"--till May--with some
+    Atrocious smell of paint, and make
+  The streets in such a shocking state, you
+  Are quite a nuisance--how I hate you!
+
+  How can I wear in peace a neat,
+    Silk hat, and coat of decent black,
+  When, passing you in any street,
+    Your paint may tumble on my back,
+  Or I may smash, which might be sadder,
+  My hat against your sloping ladder?
+
+  How can the spring delight my mind,
+    How can I like the budding trees,
+  The butterflies of any kind?
+    A Painted Lady could not please
+  In any way the mental man,
+  Were I a painted gentleman.
+
+  How can I like the balmy air,
+    How dream of violets in bloom,
+  When paint-pots swing aloft and scare
+    With visions of impending doom?
+  I'm mad and hot--quite crimson madder--
+  With dodging each successive ladder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A BANTLING.
+
+(_Lines written to a Lady who "Banted."_)
+
+  Some rhymes to make you laugh? I can't
+    Drop, Wegg-like, into rhyme instanter.
+  It's easiness itself to bant,
+    Comparatively hard to banter.
+
+  The many pretty things I'd say,
+    The pleasant thoughts I'd like to utter,
+  I may not do, it seems to-day--
+    You scorn the bare idea of _butter!_
+
+  "Sweets to the sweet." Not long ago,
+    Why chocolates--you'd gladly greet them.
+  Now you've abandoned them, and so
+    You never (hardly ever) eat them.
+
+  To see you drink hot water--that
+    The very stoniest heart would soften,
+  You evidently think it flat,
+    You're in it--aren't you--much too often?
+
+  Yet whether 9st. 12, as when
+    You weighed that day at Margate Station,
+  Or 10st. 7, or 7st. 10,
+    _I_ can't pretend to indignation.
+
+  To bant from early morn till late
+    May be, of course, supremely right of you;
+  But if you feel oppressed by weight,
+    Would it not do if we made light of you?
+
+  Though that I swear I will not do,
+    Let others, if they like, make bold to--
+  I merely write these rhymes for you,
+    I _always_ do just what I'm told to!
+
+  But if you cease to peak and pine
+    (For Time the Banting Conscience hardens),
+  You will not fail to drop a line--
+    My chambers are in Temple Gardens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEXOMANIA.
+
+_By an Angry Old Buffer._
+
+  "When ADAM delved and EVE span,"
+  No one need ask which was the man.
+  Bicycling, footballing, scarce human,
+  All wonder now "Which is the woman?"
+  But a new fear my bosom vexes;
+  To-morrow there may be _no_ sexes!
+  Unless, as end to all the pother,
+  Each one in fact becomes the other.
+  E'en _then_ perhaps they'll start amain
+  A-trying to change back again!
+  Woman _was_ woman, man _was_ man,
+  When ADAM delved and EVE span.
+  Now he can't dig and she won't spin,
+  Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC TROUBLES.
+
+"WHAT IS IT, NURSE?"
+
+"IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THE CHILDREN _WILL_ MAKE SLIDES ON THE FLOOR
+WITH TAPIOCA PUDDING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OSTRICH FEATHERS.
+
+    ["The magnificent ostrich at the Zoological Gardens, presented
+    by the QUEEN, has recently died from lung-disease."--_Daily
+    Paper._]
+
+  My eyes are wet with dewy tears,
+    That will not cease to flow.
+  Like MARY'S little lamb, my grief
+    Somehow is sure to go
+  Wherever I do. It all comes
+    From something that I've read,
+  The ostrich that I loved so well
+    Fell ill, and now is dead.
+
+  "Magnificent" indeed, it was.
+    I never ceased to take
+  A pride in its magnificence
+    For its own special sake.
+  But added unto this there was
+    An extra joy. I mean
+  That loyalty asks ardour for
+    A present from the QUEEN.
+
+  Oh! ostrich. I have often thought
+    Your smile childlike and bland,
+  And speculated if it's true
+    That right down in the sand
+  You really _do_ conceal your head.
+    But even though that's wrong,
+  It seems without a lung for life
+    You could not live for long.
+
+  My wife and I delight to hear
+    Our wee girl's merry laugh,
+  As she's astride the elephant
+    Or feeding the giraffe.
+  But ostrich--regal, lung-gone, dead!
+    When we are at the Zoo,
+  My wife's best hat will always serve
+    To turn my thoughts to you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARMENCITA.
+
+(_An Impression._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  "O east is east, and west is west
+    And never the twain shall meet."
+  And the dance of Spain is one of the twain
+    To the English Man in the Street.
+
+  We love the trick of the lofty kick
+    And the muscular display
+  Of the nymph who has leapt at a muslin hoop
+    And stopp'd in her flight half-way.
+
+  A plain, blunt girl in the stormy swirl
+    Of accordion pleats and laces,
+  Tho' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance,
+    Is numbered among the Graces.
+
+  For heel and toe our hearts can glow
+    And the feats of the rhythmic clog,
+  And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion
+    Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog.
+
+  But the dancer's art, of her life a part,
+    A song of the wordless soul
+  With a tale to tell, like the music's swell,
+    Too large for the word's control,
+
+  _That_ goes not down in London town
+    Where dogg'd conventions stick,
+  And dancers still must charm with frill,
+    Or "make shymnastic drick."
+
+  As the jungle king with his wrathful spring,
+    To the lamb that aptly bleats,
+  As the trumpet's blare to the palsied air
+    Of that which plays in pleats,
+
+  So is east to west, with its sun-born zest,
+    With fire at the quick heart's core,
+  And passions bold as the ardent gold
+    Of the sun on a southern shore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY.
+
+(_In brief._)
+
+  "The sovereign'st thing on earth
+  Was parmaceti, for an inward bruise."
+
+      _Henry the Fourth_, Part I., Act i., Sc. 3.
+
+  A quarrel, anything but pretty,
+  Cannot be healed by parmaceti.
+  But honour, bruised in the leg,
+  Finds sovereign solace in an egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A STATESMAN.
+
+_Saturday._--Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment, Tories
+denouncing _me_. Like their impudence. Must order ARTHUR BALFOUR to
+stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall want Hythe
+thrown into the bargain. BALFOUR must write more letters. If our
+little lot are to get nothing out of all this, what's the use of
+having sacrificed principles and COURTNEY? Obviously none. JESSE
+COLLINGS quite agrees. Says the Tories will repent, when it is too
+late, of having refused to submit to the greatest, wisest, most
+generous and noblest statesman of this or any other age, past
+or future. Wonderful amount of sense in JESSE. Shall make him
+Governor-General of India, or First Lord of Admiralty.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Monday._--Have seen BALFOUR. Says he can do nothing at Leamington.
+Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate. ME! The mere notion
+ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him how about Compact. He said
+"Compact be ----". At this moment GOSCHEN came in, and interrupted.
+BALFOUR said missing word was "observed." GOSCHEN full of sympathy,
+but said he could do nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of
+Exchequer again. Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter
+in _Times_ from GEOFFREY DRAGE, saying kind things about me. Rather
+patronising, but well meant. Shall make DRAGE Home Secretary.
+
+_Tuesday._--Letter in _Times_ from Lord TEYNHAM attacking me on
+account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord
+might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please
+everybody. Have written to SALISBURY ordering him to throw TEYNHAM
+into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power. If he refuses,
+shall accept Premiership myself and execute TEYNHAM on Tower Hill.
+Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march at head of
+Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground--all except
+three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists. That'll teach them
+to oppose _me_.
+
+_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad
+as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make
+him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY,
+BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering
+them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely
+different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from
+editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an
+attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack
+and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice.
+Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They
+refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw
+thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY
+elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham.
+
+  * * *
+
+_Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART
+DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to
+patronise _me?_
+
+  * * *
+
+Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of
+nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully
+recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall
+refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a
+Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants'
+Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go
+in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there
+is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and
+women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will
+you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_
+was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true
+explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young
+person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for
+_me_ to inspect!--ALARMED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 ***
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