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diff --git a/old/53606-0.txt b/old/53606-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f3f8139..0000000 --- a/old/53606-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18588 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Burlesque Plays and Poems - -Author: Henry Morley - Geoffrey Chaucer - George Villiers - John Philips - Henry Fielding - -Release Date: November 26, 2016 [EBook #53606] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - - - - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -Fifteen Volumes in an Oak Bookcase. - -[Illustration] - -Price One Guinea. - - * * * * * - -"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."--_Daily Telegraph._ - - * * * * * - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - -In Monthly Volumes, ONE SHILLING Each. - -_READY ON THE 25th OF EACH MONTH._ - -[Illustration: MORLEYS UNIVERSAL LIBRARY] - - -Ballantyne Press BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGH CHANDOS STREET, -LONDON - - - - - -BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS - - - CHAUCER'S - _RIME OF THOPAS_. - - BEAUMONT & FLETCHER'S - _KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE_. - - GEORGE VILLIERS, DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM'S - _REHEARSAL_. - - JOHN PHILIPS'S - _SPLENDID SHILLING_. - - FIELDING'S - _TOM THUMB THE GREAT_. - - HENRY CAREY'S - _NAMBY PAMBY_ AND - _CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS_. - - CANNING, FRERE & ELLIS'S - _ROVERS_. - - W. B. RHODES'S - _BOMBASTES FURIOSO_. - - HORACE & JAMES SMITH'S - _REJECTED ADDRESSES_. - - AND SOME OF - THOMAS HOOD'S - _ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE_. - - - _WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY_ - LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT - UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, LONDON - - - LONDON - GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS - BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL - NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE - 1885 - - - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - - -VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. - - _SHERIDAN'S PLAYS._ - _PLAYS FROM MOLIÈRE._ By English Dramatists. - _MARLOWE'S FAUSTUS & GOETHE'S FAUST._ - _CHRONICLE OF THE CID._ - _RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL._ - _THE PRINCE._ By MACHIAVELLI. - _BACON'S ESSAYS._ - _DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR._ - _LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT & FILMER'S "PATRIARCHA."_ - _SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGY and WITCHCRAFT._ - _DRYDEN'S VIRGIL._ - _BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION._ - _HERRICK'S HESPERIDES._ - _COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK._ - _BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON._ - _STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY._ - _CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD._ - _MEDIÆVAL TALES._ - _VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE & JOHNSON'S RASSELAS._ - _PLAYS and POEMS by BEN JONSON._ - _LEVIATHAN._ By THOMAS HOBBES. - _HUDIBRAS._ By SAMUEL BUTLER. - _IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS._ - _CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY._ - _DON QUIXOTE._ IN TWO VOLUMES. - _BURLESQUE PLAYS and POEMS._ - - "Marvels of clear type and general neatness." - _Daily Telegraph._ - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian -"burlesco"; "burla" being mockery or raillery, and implying always an -object. Burlesque must, _burlarsi di uno_, mock at somebody or something, -and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. -One etymologist associates the word with the old English "bourd," a -jest; the Gaelic "burd," he says, means mockery, and "buirleadh," is -language of ridicule. Yes, and "burrail" is the loud romping of children, -and "burrall" is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another -etymologist takes the Italian "burla," waggery or banter, as diminutive -from the Latin "burra," which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius -in the sense of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, -but, like Launce's sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit. - -The first burlesque in this volume--Chaucer's "Rime of Sir Thopas," -written towards the close of the fourteenth century--is a jest upon -long-winded story-tellers, who expatiate on insignificant detail; for -in his day there were many metrical romances written by the ancestors -of Mrs. Nickleby. Riding to Canterbury with the other pilgrims, Chaucer -good-humouredly takes to himself the part of the companion who jogs along -with even flow of words, luxuriating in all trivial detail until he -brings Sir Thopas face to face with an adventure, for he meets a giant -with three heads. But even then there is the adventure to be waited for. -The story-teller finds that he must trot his knight back home to fetch -his armour, and when he "is comen again to toune," it takes so many -words to get him his supper, get his armour on, and trot him out again, -that the inevitable end comes, with rude intrusion of some faint-hearted -lording who has not courage to listen until the point of the story can -be descried from afar. So the best of the old story-tellers, in a book -full of examples of tales told as they should be, burlesqued misuse of -his art, and the "Rime of Sir Thopas" became a warning buoy over the -shallows. "I cannot," said Sir Thomas Wyatt, in Henry VIII.'s reign, - - "say that Pan - Passeth Apollo in music manyfold; - Praisé Sir Thopas for a noble tale, - And scorn the story that the Knighté told." - -The second burlesque in this volume, Beaumont and Fletcher's "Knight of -the Burning Pestle," written in eight days, appeared in 1611, six years -after the publication of the First Part, and four years earlier than -the Second Part, of Don Quixote. The first English translation of Don -Quixote (Shelton's) appeared in 1612. The Knight of the Burning Pestle -is, like Don Quixote, a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the -tales of chivalry. Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher worked together as -playwrights in the reign of James I. All their plays were produced during -that reign. Beaumont died in the same year as Shakespeare, having written -thirteen plays in fellowship with Fletcher. Forty more were written by -Fletcher alone, but the name of Beaumont is, by tradition of a loving -fellowship, associated with them all. "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" -is all the merrier for being the work of men who were themselves true -poets. It should be remembered that this play was written for a theatre -without scenery, in which gentlemen were allowed to hire stools on the -stage itself for a nearer view of the actors; and it is among this select -part of the audience that the citizen intrudes and the citizen's wife -is lifted up, when she cries, "Husband, shall I come up, husband?" "Ay, -cony; Ralph, help your mistress up this way; pray, gentlemen, make her a -little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife.... -Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin." - -The next burlesque in our collection is "The Rehearsal," which was -produced in 1671 to ridicule the extravagance of the "heroic" plays of -the Restoration. The founder of this school in England was Sir William -Davenant who was living and was Poet Laureate--and wearer of the bays, -therefore, was Bayes--when the jest was begun by George Villiers, Duke -of Buckingham, and other wits of the day. The jest was so long in hand -that, in 1668, when Davenant died, and Dryden succeeded him as Laureate, -the character of Bayes passed on to him. The plaster on the nose pointed -at Davenant, who had lost great part of his nose. The manner of speaking, -and the "hum and buzz," pointed at Dryden, who was also in 1671 the -great master of what was called heroic drama. Bold rhodomontade was, -on the stage, preferred to good sense at a time when the new French -criticism was enforcing above all things "good sense" upon poets, as a -reaction against the strained ingenuities that had come in under Italian -influence. Let us leave to Italy her paste brilliants, said Boileau, in -his _Art Poétique_, produced at the same time as "The Rehearsal," all -should tend to good sense. But Dryden in his plays (not in his other -poems) boldly translated Horace's _serbit humi tutus_, into - - "He who servilely creeps after sense - Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence." - -The particular excellence attained by flying out of sight of sense is -burlesqued in the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal." - -John Philips, the delicate and gentle son of a vicar of Bampton, read -Milton with delight from his boyhood and knew Virgil almost by heart. At -college he wrote, for the edification of a comrade who did not know how -to keep a shilling in his pocket, "The Splendid Shilling," a poem first -published in 1705--which set forth, in Miltonic style applied to humblest -images, the comfort of possessing such a coin. The Miltonic grandeur of -tone John Philips happily caught from a long and loving study of the -English poet whom he reverenced above others, and "The Splendid Shilling" -has a special charm as a burlesque in which nobody is ridiculed. - -The burlesque poem called "Namby Pamby," of which the title has been -added to the English vocabulary, was written by Henry Carey, in ridicule -of the little rhymes inscribed to certain babies of distinguished -persons by Ambrose Philips, or, as he is translated into nursery -language, "Namby Pamby Pilli-pis." Ambrose Philips was a friend and -companion of Addison's, and a gentleman who prospered fairly in Whig -government circles. Pope's annoyance at the praise given to Ambrose -Philips's pastorals which appeared in the same Miscellany with his own, -and Addison's praise in the _Spectator_ of his friend's translation of -Racine's Andromache as "The Distrest Mother," have caused Ambrose Philips -to be better remembered in the history of literature than might otherwise -have been necessary. When he wrote no longer of - - "Mammy - Andromache and her lammy - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest." - -and took to nursery lyrics, he gave Henry Carey an opportunity of putting -a last touch to his monument for the instruction of posterity. The two -specimens here given of the original poems that suggested "Namby Pamby" -are addressed severally to two babes in the nursery of Daniel Pulteney, -Esq. Another of the babies who inspired him was an infant Carteret, -whose name Carey translated into "Tartaretta Tartaree." Some lines here -and there, seven in all, which are not the wittier for being coarse, -have been left out of "Namby Pamby." This burlesque was first published -in 1725 or 1726; my copy is of the fifth edition, dated 1726, and was -appended to "A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling; its Dignity, Antiquity, -and Excellence, with a Word upon Pudding, and many other Useful -Discoveries of great Benefit to the Publick. To which is added, Namby -Pamby, A Panegyric on the new Versification address'd to A---- P----, -Esq." - -Henry Fielding produced his "Tom Thumb" in 1730, and added the notes of -Scriblerus Secundus in 1731, following the example set by the Dunciad as -published in April 1729, with the "Prolegomena of Scriblerus and Notes -Variorum." Paul Whitehead added notes of a Scriblerus Tertius to his -"Gymnasiad" in 1744. Fielding was twenty-four years old when he added -to his "Tom Thumb" the notes that transmit to us lively examples of the -stilted language of the stage by which, as a gentleman's son left to his -own resources, he was then endeavouring to live. This was four years -before his marriage, and ten years before he revealed his transcendent -powers as a novelist. - -Henry Carey's "Chrononhotonthologos," three years later, in 1734, carried -on the war against pretentious dulness on the stage. The manner of -the great actors was, like the plays of their generation, pompous and -rhetorical, full of measured sound and fury signifying nothing. Garrick, -who made his first appearance as an actor in 1741, put an end to this. -"If the young fellow is right," said Quin, "We are all in the wrong;" -little suspecting that they really were all in the wrong. Henry Carey, -a musician by profession, played in the orchestra and also supplied the -stage with ballad and burlesque farces and operas. But also he wrote -"Namby Pamby." It was said of him that "he led a life free from reproach, -and hanged himself October 4th, 1743." - -"The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement," was a contribution to "The -Anti-Jacobin," by George Canning, and his friends George Ellis and John -Hookham Frere. Canning had established "The Anti-Jacobin," of which the -first number was published on the 20th of November, 1797. Its poetry, -generally levelled through witty burlesque at the false sentiment of the -day, was collected in 1801 into a handsome quarto. This includes "The -Rovers," which is a lively caricature of the sentimental German drama. -Goethe's "Stella," as read in the translation used by the caricaturists, -is not less comical than the caricature. I have a copy of the "Poetry -of the Anti-Jacobin," in which one of the original writers has, for the -friend to whom he gave the book, marked with his pen and ink details of -authorship. From this it appears that the description of the _dramatis -personæ_ in "The Rovers" was by Frere, the Prologue by Canning and Ellis, -the opening scene by Frere as far as Rogero's famous song, which was by -Canning and Ellis. All that follows to the beginning of the fourth act -was by Canning, except that Frere wrote the scene in the second act on -the delivery of a newspaper to Beefington and Puddingfield. The fourth -act and the final stage directions were by Frere, except the Recitative -and Chorus of Conspirators. These were by George Ellis. - -"Bombastes Furioso," first produced in 1810, was by William Barnes -Rhodes, who had published a translation of Juvenal in 1801 and "Epigrams" -in 1803. He formed a considerable dramatic library, of which there was a -catalogue printed in 1825. - -Next comes in this collection the series of burlesques of the styles of -poets famous and popular in 1812, published in that year as "Rejected -Addresses," by Horace and James Smith. Of these brothers, sons of -an attorney, one was an attorney, the other a stockbroker, one aged -thirty-seven, the other thirty-three, when the book appeared which made -them famous, and of which the first edition is reprinted in this volume. -The book went through twenty-four editions. James Smith wrote no more, -but Horace to the last amused himself with literature. "Is it not odd," -Leigh Hunt wrote of him to Shelley, "that the only truly generous person -I ever knew, who had money to be generous with, was a stockbroker! And -he writes poetry too; he writes poetry, and pastoral dramas, and yet -knows how to make money, and does make it, and is still generous." The -Fitzgerald who is subject of the first burlesque used to recite his -laudatory poems at the annual dinners of the Literary Fund, and is the -same who was referred to in the opening lines of Byron's "English Bards -and Scotch Reviewers:" - - "Still must I hear?--shall hoarse Fitzgerald bawl - His creaking couplets in a tavern hall, - And I not sing." - -This Miscellany closes with some of the "Odes and Addresses to Great -People," with which Thomas Hood, at the age of twenty-six, first made his -mark as a wit. The little book from which these pieces are taken was the -joint work of himself and John Hamilton Reynolds, whose sister he had -married. It marks the rise of the pun in burlesque writing through Thomas -Hood, who, when dying of consumption, suggested for his epitaph, "Here -lies one who spat more blood and made more puns than any other man." - - H. M. - - _June, 1885._ - - - - -Burlesque Plays and Poems. - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - -PROLOGUE TO SIR THOPAS. - - - When said was this mirácle, every man - As sober was, that wonder was to see, - Till that our host to japen he began, - And then at erst he lookéd upon me, - And saidé thus: "What man art thou?" quod he. - Thou lookest, as thou wouldest find an hare, - For ever upon the ground I see thee stare. - - "Approché near, and look up merrily. - Now ware you, sirs, and let this man have place. - He in the waist is shapen as well as I: - This were a popet in an arm to embrace - For any woman, small and fair of face. - He seemeth elvish by his countenance, - For unto no wight doth he dalliance. - - "Say now somewhat, sin other folk han said; - Tell us a tale of mirth, and that anon." - "Hosté," quod I, "ne be not evil apaid, - For other talé certes, can I none, - But of a Rime I learnéd yore agone." - "Yea, that is good," quod he, "we shullen hear - Some dainty thing, me thinketh by thy cheere." - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - - - Listeneth, lordings, in good entent, - And I wol tell you _verament_ - Of mirth and of solás, - All of a knight was fair and gent - In battle and in tournamént, - His name was Sir Thopás. - - Yborn he was in far countree, - In Flanders, all beyond the sea, - At Popering in the place, - His father was a man full free, - And lord he was of that countree, - As it was Goddés grace. - - Sir Thopas was a doughty swain, - White was his face as paindemaine - His lippés red as rose. - His rudde is like scarlét in grain, - And I you tell in good certain - He had a seemly nose. - - His hair, his beard, was like saffroun, - That to his girdle raught adown, - His shoon of cordewaine; - Of Bruges were his hosen brown; - His robé was of ciclatoun, - That costé many a jane. - - He could hunt at the wildé dere, - And ride on hawking for the rivere - With grey goshawk on hand: - Thereto he was a good archere, - Of wrestling was there none his peer, - Where any ram should stand. - - Full many a maiden bright in bower - They mournéd for him _par amour_, - When them were bet to slepe; - But he was chaste and no lechóur, - And sweet as is the bramble flower, - That beareth the red hepe. - - And so it fell upon a day, - Forsooth, as I you tellen may, - Sir Thopas would out ride; - He worth upon his stedé gray, - And in his hand a launcegay, - A long sword by his side. - - He pricketh through a fair forést, - Therein is many a wildé beast, - Yea bothé buck and hare, - And as he prickéd North and Est, - I tell it you, him had almest - Betid a sorry care. - - There springen herbés great and smale, - The liquorice and the setewale, - And many a clove gilofre, - And nutémeg to put in ale, - Whether it be moist or stale, - Or for to lain in cofre. - - The birdés singen, it is no nay, - The sparhawk and the popingay, - That joy it was to hear, - The throstel cock made eke his lay, - The wodé dove upon the spray - He sang full loud and clear. - - Sir Thopas fell in love-longÃng - All when he heard the throstel sing, - And pricked as he were wood; - His fairé steed in his prÃcking - So swatté, that men might him wring, - His sidés were all blood. - - Sir Thopas eke so weary was - For pricking on the softé gras, - So fierce was his couráge, - That down he laid him in that place - To maken his stedé som solace, - And gave him good foráge. - - Ah, Seinte Mary, _benedicite_, - What aileth this love at me - To bindé me so sore? - Me dreaméd all this night pardé, - An elf-queen shal my leman be, - And sleep under my gore. - - An elf-queen will I love ywis, - For in this world no wóman is - Worthy to be my make - In town,-- - All other women I forsake, - And to an elf-queen I me take - By dale and eke by down. - - Into his saddle he clomb anon, - And prickéd over stile and stone - An elf-queen for to espie, - Till he so long had ridden and gone, - That he found in a privee wone - The contree of Faerié. - - Wherein he soughté North and South, - And oft he spiéd with his mouth - In many a forest wild, - For in that contree n'as ther non, - That to him durst ride or gon, - Neither wife ne child. - - Till that there came a great geaunt, - His namé was Sir Oliphaunt, - A perilous man of deed, - He saidé, Childe by Termagaunt, - But if thou prick out of mine haunt, - Anon I slay thy stede - With mace. - Here is the Queen of Faerie, - With harp, and pipe, and symphonie, - Dwelling in this place. - - The Childe said, All so mote I thee, - To morrow wol I meten thee, - When I have min armóur, - And yet I hopé _par ma fay_, - That thou shalt with this launcegay - Abien it full soure; - Thy mawe - Shal I perce, if I may, - Or it be fully prime of the day, - For here thou shalt be slawe. - - Sir Thopas drew aback full fast; - This geaunt at him stonés cast - Out of a fell staff sling: - But faire escapéd Childe Thopás, - And all it was through Goddes grace, - And through his fair bearÃng. - - Yet listeneth, lordings, to my tale, - Merrier than the nightingale, - For now I will you roune, - How Sir Thopás with sidés smale, - Pricking over hill and dale, - Is comen again to toune. - - His merry men commandeth he, - To maken him bothe game and glee, - For needés must he fight, - With a geaunt with heades three, - For paramour and jolitee - Of one that shone full bright. - - Do come, he said, my minestrales - And gestours for to tellen tales - Anon in mine armÃng, - Of romauncés that ben reáles, - Of popés and of cardináles, - And eke of love-longÃng. - - They fet him first the sweté wine, - And mead eke in a maseline, - And regal spicerie, - Of ginger-bread that was full fine, - And liquorice and eke cummine, - With sugar that is trie. - - He diddé next his whité lere - Of cloth of laké fine and clere - A breche and eke a sherte, - And next his shert an haketon, - And over that an habergeon, - For piercing of his herte. - - And over that a fine hauberk, - Was all ywrought of Jewes werk, - Full strong it was of plate, - And over that his cote-armoure, - As white as is the lily floure, - In which he would debate. - - His shield was all of gold so red, - And therein was a boarés hed, - A carbuncle beside; - And there he swore on ale and bread - How that the geaunt shuld be dead, - Betide what so betide. - - His jambeux were of cuirbouly, - His swordés sheth of ivory, - His helm of latoun bright, - His saddle was of rewel bone, - His bridle as the sonné shone, - Or as the moné light. - - His speré was of fin cypréss, - That bodeth war, and nothing peace, - The head full sharp yground. - His stedé was all dapple gray, - It goeth an amble in the way - Full softély and round - In londe-- - Lo, Lordes mine, here is a fytte; - If ye wol ony more of it, - To tell it wol I fond. - - Now hold your mouth _pour charité_, - Bothé knight and lady free, - And herkeneth to my spell, - Of bataille and of chivalrie, - Of ladies love and druerie, - Anon I wol you tell. - - Men speken of romauncés of pris, - Of Hornchild, and of Ipotis, - Of Bevis, and Sir Guy, - Of Sir Libeux, and Pleindamour, - But Sir Thopás, he bears the flour - Of reál chivalrie. - - His goodé steed he all bestrode, - And forth upon his way he glode, - As sparkle out of brond; - Upon his crest he bare a tower, - And therein sticked a lily flower, - God shield his corps fro shond. - - And for he was a knight auntrous, - He n'olde slepen in none house, - But liggen in his hood, - His brighté helm was his wangér, - And by him baited his destrér - Of herbés fine and good. - - Himself drank water of the well, - As did the knight Sir Percivell - So worthy under weede, - Till on a day ---- ---- - - "No more of this for Goddés dignitee," - Quod ouré hosté, "for thou makest me - So weary of thy veray lewédnesse, - That all so wisly God my soulé blesse, - Min erés aken of thy drafty speche. - Now swiche a rime the devil I beteche; - This may wel be rime dogérel," quod he. - "Why so?" quod I, "why wolt thou letten me - More of my talé than an other man, - Sin that it is the besté rime I can?" - "Thou dost nought ellés but dispendest time. - Sir, at one word, thou shalt no longer rime." - - - - -THE - -KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - THE PROLOGUE. - _Then a Citizen._ - _The Citizen's Wife, and_ RALPH, _her man, sitting below - amidst the spectators._ - _A rich Merchant._ - JASPER, _his apprentice._ - MASTER HUMPHREY, _a friend to the Merchant._ - LUCE, _the Merchant's daughter._ - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, JASPER'S _mother._ - MICHAEL, _a second son of_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - OLD MR. MERRY-THOUGHT. - _A Squire._ - _A Dwarf._ - _A Tapster._ - _A Boy that danceth and singeth._ - _An Host._ - _A Barber._ - _Two Knights._ - _A Captain._ - _A Sergeant._ - _Soldiers._ - - -_Enter_ PROLOGUE. - - From all that's near the court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. - -_Enter_ CITIZEN. - -_Cit._ Hold your peace, good-man boy. - -_Pro._ What do you mean, sir? - -_Cit._ That you have no good meaning: these seven years there hath -been plays at this house, I have observed it, you have still girds at -citizens; and now you call your play "The London Merchant." Down with -your title, boy, down with your title. - -_Pro._ Are you a member of the noble city? - -_Cit._ I am. - -_Pro._ And a freeman? - -_Cit._ Yea, and a grocer. - -_Pro._ So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the -city. - -_Cit._ No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the jacks, -what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? -Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with the legend of -Whittington, or the Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the -building of the Royal Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the -rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks? - -_Pro._ You seem to be an understanding man; what would you have us do, -sir? - -_Cit._ Why, present something notably in honour of the commons of the -city. - -_Pro._ Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat Drake, or the -repairing of Fleet privies? - -_Cit._ I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of -my own trade. - -_Pro._ Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, our play is -ready to begin now. - -_Cit._ 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall do -admirable things. - -_Pro._ What will you have him do? - -_Cit._ Marry I will have him---- - - _Wife._ Husband, husband! [WIFE _below._ - - _Ralph._ Peace, mistress. [RALPH _below._ - -_Wife._ Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant ye. Husband, -husband! - -_Cit._ What sayest thou, cony? - -_Wife._ Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill a lion -with a pestle. - -_Cit._ So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle. - -_Wife._ Husband, shall I come up, husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, gentlemen, -make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my -wife; I thank you, sir, so. - -_Wife._ By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, I'm a -stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as they say, before; -but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and my husband hath promised me -anytime this twelvemonth, to carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in -truth he did not; I pray you bear with me. - -_Cit._ Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin, -and let the grocer do rare things. - -_Pro._ But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one hath a part -already. - -_Wife._ Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; beshrew me -if I do not think he will go beyond them all. - -_Cit._ Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, gentlemen, -let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and necessaries, and by Gad, if -any of them all blow wind in the tail on him, I'll be hanged. - -_Wife._ I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll be -sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you sometimes at -our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: he will fetch you up -a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as feared I warrant -you, that we quake again. We fear our children with him, if they be never -so unruly, do but cry "Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be -as quiet as lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what thou -canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen will accept -of it. - -_Cit._ Do, Ralph, do. - - _Ralph._ By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap - To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon, - Or dive into the bottom of the sea, - Where never fathom line touched any ground, - And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell. - -_Cit._ How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you? - -_Wife._ Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband says, -"Musidorus," before the wardens of our company. - -_Cit._ Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker for a -wager. - -_Pro._ He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in. - -_Cit._ In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, if -thou lovest me. - -_Wife._ I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed. - -_Pro._ But what will you have it called? - -_Cit._ "The Grocer's Honour." - -_Pro._ Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were better. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be. - -_Cit._ Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down. - -_Pro._ I pray you do. - -_Cit._ What stately music have you? Have you shawns? - -_Pro._ Shawns? No. - -_Cit._ No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph plays a -stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at the charge of -them myself rather than we'll be without them. - -_Pro._ So you are like to be. - -_Cit._ Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the waits -of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that -will fetch them all o'er the water with a vengeance, as if they were mad. - -_Pro._ You shall have them; will you sit down, then? - -_Cit._ Ay, come, wife. - -_Wife._ Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst you for my -ease. - - _Pro._ From all that's near the Court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence - All private taxes, all immodest phrases, - Whatever may but show like vicious, - For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings, - But honest minds are pleased with honest things. - Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must - answer for't yourself. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you. - -_Wife._ I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ JASPER _his man_. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, I'll make you know you are my prentice, - And whom my charitable love redeem'd - Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat - And growth, to be what now thou art; new cast thee, - Adding the trust of all I have at home, - In foreign staples, or upon the sea, - To thy direction; tied the good opinions - Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours,-- - So fair were thy beginnings. But with these, - As I remember, you had never charge - To love your master's daughter, and even then, - When I had found a wealthy husband for her, - I take it, sir, you had not; but, however, - I'll break the neck of that commission, - And make you know you're but a merchant's factor. - - _Jasp._ Sir, I do lib'rally confess I'm yours, - Bound both by love and duty to your service: - In which my labour hath been all my profit. - I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted - To wear your honest gains upon my back, - Nor have I giv'n a pension to my blood, - Or lavishly in play consum'd your stock. - These, and the miseries that do attend them, - I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers - To all my temperate actions; for your daughter, - If there be any love to my deservings - Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it: - Nor am I able to refrain her wishes. - She's private to herself, and best of knowledge - Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for. - Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her - Unto a fellow of so lame a presence, - One that hath little left of nature in him. - - _Merch._ 'Tis very well, sir, I can tell your wisdom - How all this shall be cured. - - _Jasp._ Your care becomes you. - - _Merch._ And thus it shall be, sir; I here discharge you - My house and service. Take your liberty, - And when I want a son I'll send for you. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ These be the fair rewards of them that love, - Oh you that live in freedom never prove - The travail of a mind led by desire. - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Why how now, friend, struck with my father's thunder? - - _Jasp._ Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy - Be full of speed and virtue; I am now, - What I expected long, no more your father's. - - _Luce._ But mine. - - _Jasp._ But yours, and only yours I am, - That's all I have to keep me from the statute; - You dare be constant still? - - _Luce._ O fear me not. - In this I dare be better than a woman. - Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me, - Were they both equal to a prince's power. - - _Jasp._ You know my rival? - - _Luce._ Yes, and love him dearly, - E'en as I love an ague, or foul weather; - I prithee, Jasper, fear him not. - - _Jasp._ Oh no, - I do not mean to do him so much kindness. - But to our own desires: you know the plot - We both agreed on. - - _Luce._ Yes, and will perform - My part exactly. - - _Jasp._ I desire no more, - Farewell, and keep my heart, 'tis yours. - - _Luce._ I take it, - He must do miracles, makes me forsake it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Fie upon 'em, little infidels, what a matter's here now? Well, -I'll be hang'd for a half-penny, if there be not some abomination knavery -in this play; well, let 'em look to it, Ralph must come, and if there be -any tricks a-brewing---- - -_Wife._ Let 'em brew and bake too, husband, a God's name. Ralph will find -all out I warrant you, and they were older than they are. I pray, my -pretty youth, is Ralph ready? - -_Boy._ He will be presently. - -_Wife._ Now I pray you make my commendations unto him, and withal, carry -him this stick of liquorice; tell him his mistress sent it him, and bid -him bite a piece, 'twill open his pipes the better, say. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ MASTER HUMPHREY. - - _Merch._ Come, sir, she's yours, upon my faith she's yours, - You have my hand; for other idle lets, - Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind - They're scattered, and no more. My wanton prentice, - That like a bladder blew himself with love, - I have let out, and sent him to discover - New masters yet unknown. - - _Hum._ I thank you, sir, - Indeed I thank you, sir; and ere I stir, - It shall be known, however you do deem, - I am of gentle blood, and gentle seem. - - _Merch._ Oh, sir, I know it certain. - - _Hum._ Sir, my friend, - Although, as writers say, all things have end, - And that we call a pudding, hath his two, - Oh let it not seem strange, I pray to you, - If in this bloody simile, I put - My love, more endless than frail things or gut. - -_Wife._ Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing, but tell me -truly. Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my husband. - -_Cit._ What is it, mouse? - -_Wife._ Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it behaves -itself, I warrant you: and speaks and looks, and perts up the head? I -pray you brother, with your favour, were you never one of Mr. Muncaster's -scholars? - -_Cit._ Chicken, I prithee heartily contain thyself, the childer are -pretty childer, but when Ralph comes, lamb! - -_Wife._ Ay, when Ralph comes, cony! Well, my youth, you may proceed. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope, - Assured of my consent; get but my daughter's, - And wed her when you please; you must be bold, - And clap in close unto her; come, I know - You've language good enough to win a wench. - -_Wife._ A toity tyrant, hath been an old stringer in his days, I warrant -him. - - _Hum._ I take your gentle offer, and withal - Yield love again for love reciprocal. - - _Mar._ What, Luce, within there? - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Called you, sir? - - _Merch._ I did; - Give entertainment to this gentleman; - And see you be not froward: to her, sir, [_Exit._ - My presence will but be an eyesore to you. - - _Hum._ Fair mistress Luce, how do you, are you well? - Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell, - How doth your little sister, and your brother, - And whether you love me or any other? - - _Luce._ Sir, these are quickly answered. - - _Hum._ So they are, - Where women are not cruel; but how far - Is it now distant from the place we are in, - Unto that blessed place, your father's warren. - - _Luce._ What makes you think of that, sir? - - _Hum._ E'en that face, - For stealing rabbits whilome in that place, - God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether, - Unto my cost and charges brought you thither, - And there began---- - - _Luce._ Your game, sir. - - _Hum._ Let no game, - Or anything that tendeth to the same, - Be evermore remembered, thou fair killer, - For whom I sate me down and brake my tiller. - -_Wife._ There's a kind gentleman, I warrant you. When will you do as much -for me, George? - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, I'm sorry for your losses, - But as the proverb says, I cannot cry; - I would you had not seen me. - - _Hum._ So would I, - Unless you had more maw to do me good. - - _Luce._ Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood? - Send for a constable, and raise the town. - - _Hum._ Oh no, my valiant love will batter down - Millions of constables, and put to flight - E'en that great watch of Midsummer Day at night. - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, 'twere good I yielded then, - Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men - Have no resistance. - - _Hum._ Yield then, I am full - Of pity, though I say it, and can pull - Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves. - Look, Luce, look, the dog's tooth, nor the doves - Are not so white as these; and sweet they be, - And whipt about with silk, as you may see. - If you desire the price, shoot from your eye - A beam to this place, and you shall espy - F. S., which is to say, my sweetest honey, - They cost me three-and-twopence, and no money. - - _Luce._ Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you; what - What would you more? - - _Hum._ Nothing. - - _Luce._ Why then, farewell. - - _Hum._ Nor so, nor so, for, lady, I must tell, - Before we part, for what we met together, - God grant me time, and patience, and fair weather. - - _Luce._ Speak and declare your mind in terms so brief. - - _Hum._ I shall; then first and foremost, for relief - I call to you, if that you can afford it, - I care not at what price, for on my word it - Shall be repaid again, although it cost me - More than I'll speak of now, for love hath tost me - In furious blanket like a tennis-ball, - And now I rise aloft, and now I fall. - - _Luce._ Alas, good gentleman, alas the day. - - _Hum._ I thank you heartily, and as I say, - Thus do I still continue without rest, - I' th' morning like a man, at night a beast, - Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet, - That much I fear, forsaking of my diet, - Will bring me presently to that quandary, - I shall bid all adieu. - - _Luce._ Now, by St. Mary - That were great pity. - - _Hum._ So it were, beshrew me, - Then ease me, lusty Luce, and pity shew me. - - _Luce._ Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth - Without my father's grant; get his consent, - And then you may with full assurance try me. - - _Hum._ The worshipful your sire will not deny me, - For I have ask'd him, and he hath replied, - Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride. - - _Luce._ Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content. - - _Hum._ And so am I, in truth. - - _Luce._ Yet take me with you. - There is another clause must be annext, - And this it is I swore, and will perform it, - No man shall ever joy me as his wife, - But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture, - I'm yours; you need not fear, my father loves you, - If not, farewell, for ever. - - _Hum._ Stay, nymph, stay, - I have a double gelding, coloured bay, - Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind, - Another for myself, though somewhat blind, - Yet true as trusty tree. - - _Luce._ I'm satisfied, - And so I give my hand; our course must lie - Through Waltham Forest, where I have a friend - Will entertain us; so farewell, Sir Humphrey, - And think upon your business. [_Exit_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Though I die, - I am resolv'd to venture life and limb, - For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim. [_Exit_ HUM. - -_Wife._ By my faith and troth, George, and as I am virtuous, it is e'en -the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather; well, go thy ways, -if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault i'faith. - -_Cit._ I prithee, mouse, be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make some -of 'em smoke for't. - -_Wife._ That's my good lamb, George; fie, this stinking tobacco kills me, -would there were none in England. Now I pray, gentlemen, what good does -this stinking tobacco do you? nothing; I warrant you make chimnies o' -your faces. Oh, husband, husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, _like a grocer in his shop, with two prentices, reading -"Palmerin of England."_ - -_Cit._ Peace, fool, let Ralph alone; hark you, Ralph, do not strain -yourself too much at the first. Peace, begin, Ralph. - -_Ralph. Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their lances from their -dwarfs, and clasping their helmets, galloped amain after the giant, and -Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, came posting amain, saying, "Stay, -traitorous thief, for thou mayst not so carry away her that is worth the -greatest lord in the world;" and, with these words, gave him a blow on -the shoulder, that he struck him beside his elephant; and Trineus coming -to the knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon beside his -horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the princess, getting -out of the throng, between joy and grief said, "All happy knight, the -mirror of all such as follow arms, now may I be well assured of the -love thou bearest me."_ I wonder why the kings do not raise an army of -fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as the army that the -Prince of Portigo brought against Rosicler, and destroy these giants; -they do much hurt to wandering damsels that go in quest of their knights. - -_Wife._ Faith, husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the King of -Portugal cannot sit at his meat but the giants and the ettins will come -and snatch it from him. - -_Cit._ Hold thy tongue; on, Ralph. - -_Ralph._ And certainly those knights are much to be commended who, -neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire and a dwarf through -the deserts to relieve poor ladies. - -_Wife._ Ay, by my faith are they, Ralph, let 'em say what they will, they -are indeed; our knights neglect their possessions well enough, but they -do not the rest. - -_Ralph._ There are no such courteous and fair well-spoken knights in this -age; they will call one the son of a sea-cook that Palmerin of England -would have called fair sir; and one that Rosicler would have called right -beautiful damsel they will call old witch. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have called me so an hundred -times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco. - -_Ralph._ But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his shop, -with a flapet of wood, and a blue apron before him, selling Methridatam -and Dragons' Water to visited houses, that might pursue feats of arms, -and through his noble achievements procure such a famous history to be -written of his heroic prowess? - -_Cit._ Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph. - -_Wife._ They go finely, by my troth. - -_Ralph._ Why should I not then pursue this course, both for the credit of -myself and our company? for amongst all the worthy books of achievements, -I do not call to mind that I yet read of a grocer errant: I will be the -said knight. Have you heard of any that hath wandered unfurnished of his -squire and dwarf? My elder prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and -little George my dwarf. Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance of my -former trade, upon my shield shall be portrayed a burning pestle, and I -will be called the Knight of the Burning Pestle. - -_Wife._ Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade, thou wert -ever meek. Ralph! Tim! - -_Tim._ Anon. - -_Ralph._ My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge you that from -henceforth you never call me by any other name but the Right courteous -and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle; and that you never call any -female by the name of a woman or wench, but fair lady, if she have her -desires; if not, distressed damsel; that you call all forests and heaths, -deserts; and all horses, palfreys. - -_Wife._ This is very fine: faith, do the gentlemen like Ralph, think you, -husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, I warrant thee, the players would give all the shoes in their -shop for him. - -_Ralph._ My beloved Squire Tim, stand out. Admit this were a desert, and -over it a knight errant pricking, and I should bid you inquire of his -intents, what would you say? - -_Tim._ Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding? - -_Ralph._ No, thus: Fair sir, the Right courteous and valiant Knight of -the Burning Pestle, commanded me to inquire upon what adventure you are -bound, whether to relieve some distressed damsel or otherwise. - -_Cit._ Dunder blockhead cannot remember. - -_Wife._ I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before; all the gentlemen heard -him; did he not, gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him on't? - -_George._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, here -is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of pepper. - -_Wife._ That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it; by my troth -it's a fine child. - -_Ralph._ Relieve her with all courteous language; now shut up shop: no -more my prentice, but my trusty squire and dwarf, I must bespeak my -shield, and arming pestle. - -_Cit._ Go thy ways, Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the best on 'em -all. - -_Wife._ Ralph! Ralph! - -_Ralph._ What say you, mistress? - -_Wife._ I prithee come again quickly, sweet Ralph. - - _Ralph._ By-and-by. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and his mother_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Mist. Mer._ Give thee my blessing? No, I'll never give thee my -blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'er be said I gave -thee my blessing. Thou art thy father's own son, of the blood of the -Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'er I knew thy father, he hath -spent all his own, and mine too, and when I tell him of it, he laughs and -dances and sings, and cries "A merry heart lives long-a." And thou art a -wast-thrift, and art run away from thy master, that lov'd thee well, and -art come to me, and I have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, -and thou thinkest to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to do it. -Come hither, Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, thou shalt have my -blessing. - -_Enter_ MICHAEL. - -_Mich._ I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me. - -_Mist. Mer._ God bless thee; but Jasper shall never have my blessing, he -shall be hang'd first, shall he not, Michael? how sayest thou? - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, and grace of God. - -_Mist. Mer._ That's a good boy. - -_Wife._ I'faith, it's a fine spoken child. - - _Jasp._ Mother, though you forget a parent's love, - I must preserve the duty of a child. - I ran not from my master, nor return - To have your stock maintain my idleness. - -_Wife._ Ungracious child I warrant him, hark how he chops logic with his -mother; thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell her she lies. - -_Cit._ If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and flea him, -and salt him, humpty halter-sack. - - _Jasp._ My coming only is to beg your love, - Which I must ever, though I never gain it; - And howsoever you esteem of me, - There is no drop of blood hid in these veins, - But I remember well belongs to you, - That brought me forth, and would be glad for you - To rip them all again, and let it out. - -_Mist. Mer._ I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee, God knows; but I'll -hamper thee well enough: get thee in, thou vagabond, get thee in, and -learn of thy brother Michael. - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Nose, nose, jolly red nose, - And who gave thee this jolly red nose?" - - _Mist. Mer._ Hark, my husband he's singing and hoiting, - And I'm fain to cark and care, and all little enough. - Husband, Charles, Charles Merry-thought! - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves, - And they gave me this jolly red nose." - -_Mist. Mer._ If you would consider your estate, you would have little -list to sing, I wis. - -_Old Mer._ It should never be considered, while it were an estate, if I -thought it would spoil my singing. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old man, and thou -canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou eatest -good meat, and drinkest good drink, and laughest? - -_Old Mer._ And will do. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou come by it, Charles? - -_Old Mer._ How? Why how have I done hitherto these forty years? I never -came into my dining-room, but at eleven and six o'clock I found excellent -meat and drink o' th' table. My clothes were never worn out, but next -morning a tailor brought me a new suit, and without question it will be -so ever! Use makes perfectness; if all should fail, it is but a little -straining myself extraordinary, and laugh myself to death. - -_Wife._ It's a foolish old man this: is not he, George? - -_Cit._ Yes, honey. - -_Wife._ Give me a penny i' th' purse while I live, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, by'r lady, honey hold thee there. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, Charles, you promised to provide for Jasper, and I -have laid up for Michael. I pray you pay Jasper his portion, he's come -home, and he shall not consume Michael's stock; he says his master turned -him away, but I promise you truly, I think he ran away. - -_Wife._ No indeed, Mistress Merry-thought, though he be a notable -gallows, yet I'll assure you his master did turn him away, even in this -place, 'twas i'faith within this half-hour, about his daughter; my -husband was by. - -_Cit._ Hang him, rogue, he served him well enough: love his master's -daughter! By my troth, honey, if there were a thousand boys, thou wouldst -spoil them all, with taking their parts; let his mother alone with him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but yet truth is truth. - -_Old Mer._ Where is Jasper? He's welcome, however, call him in, he shall -have his portion; is he merry? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper! Michael! - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Old Mer._ Welcome, Jasper, though thou runn'st away, welcome! God bless -thee! It is thy mother's mind thou should'st receive thy portion; thou -hast been abroad, and I hope hast learnt experience enough to govern it. -Thou art of sufficient years. Hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, -six, seven, eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee; thrust thyself -into the world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune -cross thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty -shillings left. Be a good husband, that is, wear ordinary clothes, eat -the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give to the poor, -and believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods. - - _Jasp._ Long may you live free from all thought of ill, - And long have cause to be thus merry still. - But, father? - -_Old Mer._ No more words, Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my blessing, -thy father's spirit upon thee. Farewell, Jasper. - - "But yet, or e'er you part (oh cruel), - Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting, - Mine own dear jewel." - - So, now begone, no words. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Mist. Mer._ So, Michael, now get thee gone too. - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, but I'll have my father's blessing first. - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou hast my -blessing. Begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels and follow thee: I'll -stay no longer with him I warrant thee. Truly, Charles, I'll be gone too. - -_Old Mer._ What? You will not. - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes indeed will I. - - _Old Mer._ "Heyho, farewell, Nan, - I'll never trust wench more again, if I can." - -_Mist. Mer._ You shall not think (when all your own is gone) to spend -that I have been scraping up for Michael. - -_Old Mer._ Farewell, good wife, I expect it not, all I have to do in this -world is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not taken from me; -and if it be, - - "When earth and seas from me are reft, - The skies aloft for me are left." [_Exeunt._ - [_Boy dances. Music._ - - _Finis Actus Primi._ - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn he's a merry old gentleman for all that. Hark, -hark, husband, hark, fiddles, fiddles; now surely they go finely. They -say 'tis present death for these fiddlers to tune their rebecks before -the great Turk's grace, is't not, George? But look, look, here's a youth -dances; now, good youth, do a turn o' the toe. Sweetheart, i'faith I'll -have Ralph come and do some of his gambols: he'll ride the wild mare, -gentlemen, 'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you, kind -youth, pray bid Ralph come. - -_Cit._ Peace, conie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players send Ralph, -or an' they do not I'll tear some of their periwigs beside their heads; -this is all riff-raff. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ HUMPHREY. - -_Merch._ And how faith? how goes it now, son Humphrey? - - _Hum._ Right worshipful and my beloved friend, - And father dear, this matter's at an end. - - _Merch._ 'Tis well, it should be so, I'm glad the girl - Is found so tractable. - - _Hum._ Nay, she must whirl - From hence (and you must wink: for so I say, - The story tells), to-morrow before day. - -_Wife._ George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be a -match? tell me but what thou thinkest, sweet rogue, thou seest the poor -gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I warrant you, to be at -rest: I'll go move the father for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I prithee sit still, honeysuckle, thou'lt spoil all; if -he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows myself, and in the -shutting of an evening knock it up, and there's an end. - -_Wife._ I'll buss thee for that i'faith, boy; well, George, well, you -have been a wag in your days I warrant you; but God forgive you, and I do -with all my heart. - -_Merch._ How was it, son? you told me that to-morrow before daybreak, you -must convey her hence. - - _Hum._ I must, I must, and thus it is agreed, - Your daughter rides upon a brown bay steed, - I on a sorrel, which I bought of Brian, - The honest host of the Red Roaring Lion, - In Waltham situate: then if you may, - Consent in seemly sort, lest by delay, - The fatal sisters come, and do the office, - And then you'll sing another song. - - _Merch._ Alas, - Why should you be thus full of grief to me, - That do as willing as yourself agree - To anything, so it be good and fair? - Then steal her when you will, if such a pleasure - Content you both, I'll sleep and never see it, - To make your joys more full: but tell me why - You may not here perform your marriage? - -_Wife._ God's blessing o' thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art loath to -part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm glad on't; well, go -thy ways, Humphrey, for a fair-spoken man. I believe thou hast not a -fellow within the walls of London; an' I should say the suburbs too, I -should not lie. Why dost not thou rejoice with me, George? - -_Cit._ If I could but see Ralph again, I were as merry as mine host -i'faith. - - _Hum._ The cause you seem to ask, I thus declare; - Help me, O Muses nine: your daughter sware - A foolish oath, the more it was the pity: - Yet no one but myself within this city - Shall dare to say so, but a bold defiance - Shall meet him, were he of the noble science. - And yet she sware, and yet why did she swear? - Truly I cannot tell, unless it were - For her own ease; for sure sometimes an oath, - Being sworn thereafter, is like cordial broth: - And this it was she swore, never to marry, - But such a one whose mighty arm could carry - (As meaning me, for I am such a one) - Her bodily away through stick and stone, - Till both of us arrive, at her request, - Some ten miles off in the wide Waltham Forést. - - _Merch._ If this be all, you shall not need to fear - Any denial in your love; proceed, - I'll neither follow nor repent the deed. - - _Hum._ Good night, twenty good nights, and twenty more, - And twenty more good nights: that makes threescore. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and her son_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, art thou not weary, boy? - -_Mich._ No, forsooth, mother, not I. - -_Mist. Mer._ Where be we now, child? - -_Mich._ Indeed forsooth, mother, I cannot tell, unless we be at Mile End. -Is not all the world Mile End, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, not all the world, boy; but I can assure thee, -Michael, Mile End is a goodly matter. There has been a pitched field, my -child, between the naughty Spaniels and the Englishmen; and the Spaniels -ran away, Michael, and the Englishmen followed. My neighbour Coxstone was -there, boy, and killed them all with a birding-piece. - -_Mich._ Mother, forsooth. - -_Mist. Mer._ What says my white boy? - -_Mich._ Shall not my father go with us too? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, let thy father go snick-up, he shall never come -between a pair of sheets with me again while he lives: let him stay at -home and sing for his supper, boy. Come, child, sit down, and I'll show -my boy fine knacks indeed; look here, Michael, here's a ring, and here's -a brooch, and here's a bracelet, and here's two rings more, and here's -money, and gold by th' eye, my boy. - -_Mich._ Shall I have all this, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, Michael, thou shalt have all, Michael. - -_Cit._ How lik'st thou this, wench? - -_Wife._ I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no more else -indeed la: and I pray you let the youths understand so much by word of -mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' my boy. Come, come, -George, let's be merry and wise, the child's a fatherless child, and say -they should put him into a strait pair of gaskins, 'twere worse than -knot-grass, he would never grow after it. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Here's Ralph, here's Ralph. - -_Wife._ How do you, Ralph? You are welcome, Ralph, as I may say, it's a -good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, we are thy friends, Ralph. -The gentlemen will praise thee, Ralph, if thou play'st thy part with -audacity; begin, Ralph a God's name. - -_Ralph._ My trusty squire, unlace my helm, give me my hat; where are we, -or what desert might this be? - -_Dwarf._ Mirror of knighthood, this is, as I take it, the perilous -Waltham down, in whose bottom stands the enchanted valley. - -_Mist. Mer._ Oh, Michael, we are betrayed, we are betrayed, here be -giants; fly, boy; fly, boy; fly! - - [_Exeunt_ MOTHER _and_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Lace on my helm again; what noise is this? - A gentle lady flying the embrace - Of some uncourteous knight: I will relieve her. - Go, squire, and say, the knight that wears this pestle - In honour of all ladies, swears revenge - Upon that recreant coward that pursues her; - Go, comfort her, and that same gentle squire - That bears her company. - - _Squire._ I go, brave knight. - - _Ralph._ My trusty dwarf and friend, reach me my shield, - And hold it while I swear, first by my knighthood, - Then by the soul of Amadis de Gaul, - My famous ancestor, then by my sword, - The beauteous Brionella girt about me, - By this bright burning pestle, of mine honour - The living trophy, and by all respect - Due to distressed damsels, here I vow - Never to end the quest of this fair lady, - And that forsaken squire, till by my valour - I gain their liberty. - - _Dwarf._ Heaven bless the knight - That thus relieves poor errant gentlewomen. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Ay marry, Ralph, this has some savour in it, I would see the -proudest of them all offer to carry his books after him. But, George, I -will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick if he go away, that I -shall; call Ralph again, George, call Ralph again: I prithee, sweetheart, -let him come fight before me, and let's have some drums and trumpets, and -let him kill all that comes near him, an' thou lov'st me, George. - -_Cit._ Peace a little, bird, he shall kill them all, an' they were twenty -more on 'em than there are. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Now, Fortune (if thou be'st not only ill), - Show me thy better face, and bring about - Thy desperate wheel, that I may climb at length - And stand; this is our place of meeting, - If love have any constancy. Oh age - Where only wealthy men are counted happy: - How shall I please thee? how deserve thy smiles, - When I am only rich in misery? - My father's blessing, and this little coin - Is my inheritance. A strong revenue! - From earth thou art, and unto earth I give thee. - There grow and multiply, whilst fresher air - Breeds me a fresher fortune. How, illusion! [_Spies the casket._ - What, hath the devil coined himself before me? - 'Tis metal good, it rings well, I am waking, - And taking too I hope; now God's dear blessing - Upon his heart that left it here, 'tis mine; - These pearls, I take it, were not left for swine. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ I do not like this unthrifty youth should embezzle away the -money; the poor gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy heart for it, -God knows. - -_Cit._ And reason good, sweetheart. - -_Wife._ But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall fetch him -again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above ground; and besides, -George, here be a number of sufficient gentlemen can witness, and myself, -and yourself, and the musicians, if we be called in question; but here -comes Ralph, George; thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ Comes not Sir Squire again? - - _Dwarf._ Right courteous knight, - Your squire doth come, and with him comes the lady - Fair, and the squire of damsels, as I take it. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, _and_ SQUIRE. - - _Ralph._ Madam, if any service or devoir - Of a poor errant knight may right your wrongs, - Command it. I am prest to give you succour, - For to that holy end I bear my armour. - -_Mist. Mer._ Alas, sir, I am a poor gentlewoman, and I have lost my money -in this forest. - - _Ralph._ Desert, you would say, lady, and not lost - Whilst I have sword and lance; dry up your tears, - Which ill befit the beauty of that face, - And tell the story, if I may request it, - Of your disastrous fortune. - -_Mist. Mer._ Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand pound, -e'en all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the sight of -your mastership. You looked so grim, and as I may say it, saving your -presence, more like a giant than a mortal man. - - _Ralph._ I am as you are, lady, so are they - All mortal; but why weeps this gentle squire? - -_Mist. Mer._ Has he not cause to weep do you think, when he has lost his -inheritance? - - _Ralph._ Young hope of valour, weep not, I am here - That will confound thy foe, and pay it dear - Upon his coward head, that dare deny - Distresséd squires and ladies equity. - I have but one horse, upon which shall ride - This lady fair behind me, and before - This courteous squire, fortune will give us more - Upon our next adventure; fairly speed - Beside us squire and dwarf, to do us need. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Did not I tell you, Nell, what your man would do? by the faith of -my body, wench, for clean action and good delivery, they may all cast -their caps at him. - -_Wife._ And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the twelve -companies of London cannot match him, timber for timber. Well, George, -an' he be not inveigled by some of these paltry players, I ha' much -marvel; but, George, we ha' done our parts, if the boy have any grace to -be thankful. - -_Cit._ Yes, I warrant you, duckling. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Good Mistress Luce, however I in fault am - For your lame horse, you're welcome unto Waltham! - But which way now to go, or what to say - I know not truly, till it be broad day. - - _Luce._ O fear not, Master Humphrey, I am guide - For this place good enough. - - _Hum._ Then up and ride, - Or if it please you, walk for your repose, - Or sit, or if you will, go pluck a rose: - Either of which shall be indifferent - To your good friend and Humphrey, whose consent - Is so entangled ever to your will, - As the poor harmless horse is to the mill. - - _Luce._ Faith and you say the word, we'll e'en sit down, - And take a nap. - - _Hum._ 'Tis better in the town, - Where we may nap together; for believe me, - To sleep without a match would mickle grieve me. - - _Luce._ You're merry, Master Humphrey. - - _Hum._ So I am, - And have been ever merry from my dam. - - _Luce._ Your nurse had the less labour. - - _Hum._ Faith it may be, - Unless it were by chance I did bewray me. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Luce, dear friend Luce. - - _Luce._ Here, Jasper. - - _Jasp._ You are mine. - - _Hum._ If it be so, my friend, you use me fine: - What do you think I am? - - _Jasp._ An arrant noddy. - - _Hum._ A word of obloquy; now by my body, - I'll tell thy master, for I know thee well. - - _Jasp._ Nay, an' you be so forward for to tell, - Take that, and that, and tell him, sir, I gave it: [_Beats him._ - And say I paid you well. - - _Hum._ O, sir, I have it, - And do confess the payment, pray be quiet. - - _Jasp._ Go, get you to your night-cap and the diet, - To cure your beaten bones. - - _Luce._ Alas, poor Humphrey, - Get thee some wholesome broth with sage and cumfry: - A little oil of roses, and a feather - To 'noint thy back withal. - - _Hum._ When I came hither, - Would I had gone to Paris with John Dory. - - _Luce._ Farewell, my pretty numps, I'm very sorry - I cannot bear thee company. - - _Hum._ Farewell, - The devil's dam was ne'er so bang'd in hell. [_Exeunt._ - -_Manet_ HUMPHREY. - -_Wife._ This young Jasper will prove me another things, a my conscience, -and he may be suffered; George, dost not see, George, how a swaggers, and -flies at the very heads a folks as he were a dragon; well, if I do not -do his lesson for wronging the poor gentleman, I am no true woman; his -friends that brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, than -have taught him these fegaries: he's e'en in the highway to the gallows, -God bless him. - -_Cit._ You're too bitter, cony, the young man may do well enough for all -this. - -_Wife._ Come hither, Master Humphrey, has he hurt you? Now beshrew his -fingers for't; here, sweetheart, here's some green ginger for thee, now -beshrew my heart, but a has peppernel in's head, as big as a pullet's -egg; alas, sweet lamb, how thy temples beat; take the peace on him, -sweetheart, take the peace on him. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ No, no, you talk like a foolish woman; I'll ha' Ralph fight with -him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly. Sirrah boy, come hither, let -Ralph come in and fight with Jasper. - -_Wife._ Ay, and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy. - -_Boy._ Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our play lies contrary, and -'twill hazard the spoiling of our play. - -_Cit._ Plot me no plots, I'll ha' Ralph come out; I'll make your house -too hot for you else. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, he shall; but if anything fall out of order, the -gentlemen must pardon us. - -_Cit._ Go your ways, goodman boy, I'll hold him a penny he shall have his -belly full of fighting now. Ho, here comes Ralph; no more. - -_Enter_ RALPH, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ What knight is that, squire? Ask him if he keep - The passage bound by love of lady fair, - Or else but prickant. - - _Hum._ Sir, I am no knight, - But a poor gentleman, that this same night, - Had stolen from me, upon yonder green, - My lovely wife, and suffered (to be seen - Yet extant on my shoulders) such a greeting, - That whilst I live, I shall think of that meeting. - -_Wife._ Ay, Ralph, he beat him unmercifully, Ralph, an' thou spar'st him, -Ralph, I would thou wert hang'd. - -_Cit._ No more, wife, no more. - - _Ralph._ Where is the caitiff wretch hath done this deed? - Lady, your pardon, that I may proceed - Upon the quest of this injurious knight. - And thou, fair squire, repute me not the worse, - In leaving the great 'venture of the purse - And the rich casket, till some better leisure. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Here comes the broker hath purloined my treasure. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire, and tell him I am here, - An errant knight at arms, to crave delivery - Of that fair lady to her own knight's arms. - If he deny, bid him take choice of ground, - And so defy him. - - _Squire._ From the knight that bears - The golden pestle, I defy thee, knight, - Unless thou make fair restitution - Of that bright lady. - - _Jasp._ Tell the knight that sent thee - He is an ass, and I will keep the wench, - And knock his head-piece. - - _Ralph._ Knight, thou art but dead, - If thou recall not thy uncourteous terms. - -_Wife._ Break his pate, Ralph; break his pate, Ralph, soundly. - - _Jasp._ Come, knight, I'm ready for you, now your pestle - [_Snatches away his pestle._ - Shall try what temper, sir, your mortar's of; - With that he stood upright in his stirrups, - And gave the knight of the calves-skin such a knock, - That he forsook his horse, and down he fell, - And then he leaped upon him, and plucking off his helmet---- - - _Hum._ Nay, an' my noble knight be down so soon, - Though I can scarcely go, I needs must run---- - [_Exit_ HUMPHREY _and_ RALPH. - -_Wife._ Run, Ralph; run, Ralph; run for thy life, boy; Jasper comes, -Jasper comes! - - _Jasp._ Come, Luce, we must have other arms for you. - Humphrey and Golden Pestle, both adieu. [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Sure the devil, God bless us, is in this springald; why, George, -didst ever see such a fire-drake? I am afraid my boy's miscarried; if he -be, though he were Master Merry-thought's son a thousand times, if there -be any law in England, I'll make some of them smart for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I have found out the matter, sweetheart. Jasper is -enchanted as sure as we are here, he is enchanted; he could no more have -stood in Ralph's hands than I can stand in my Lord Mayor's; I'll have a -ring to discover all enchantments, and Ralph shall beat him yet. Be no -more vexed, for it shall be so. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, DWARF, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Wife._ Oh, husband, here's Ralph again; stay, Ralph, let me speak with -thee; how dost thou, Ralph? Art thou not shrewdly hurt? The foul great -lunges laid unmercifully on thee! There's some sugar-candy for thee; -proceed, thou shalt have another bout with him. - -_Cit._ If Ralph had him at the fencing-school, if he did not make a puppy -of him, and drive him up and down the school, he should ne'er come in my -shop more. - -_Mist. Mer._ Truly, Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, I am weary. - -_Mich._ Indeed la mother, and I'm very hungry. - - _Ralph._ Take comfort, gentle dame, and your fair squire. - For in this desert there must needs be placed - Many strong castles, held by courteous knights, - And till I bring you safe to one of those - I swear by this my order ne'er to leave you. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph: George, Ralph was ever comfortable, was he not? - -_Cit._ Yes, duck. - -_Wife._ I shall ne'er forget him. When we had lost our child, you know it -was strayed almost alone to Puddle Wharf, and the criers were abroad for -it, and there it had drowned itself but for a sculler, Ralph was the most -comfortablest to me: "Peace mistress," says he, "let it go, I'll get you -another as good." Did he not, George? Did he not say so? - -_Cit._ Yes indeed did he, mouse. - -_Dwarf._ I would we had a mess of pottage and a pot of drink, squire, and -were going to bed. - -_Squire._ Why, we are at Waltham town's end, and that's the Bell Inn. - - _Dwarf._ Take courage, valiant knight, damsel, and squire, - I have discovered, not a stone's cast off, - An ancient castle held by the old knight - Of the most holy order of the Bell, - Who gives to all knights errant entertain; - There plenty is of food, and all prepar'd - By the white hands of his own lady dear. - He hath three squires that welcome all his guests: - The first, high Chamberlino, who will see - Our beds prepared, and bring us snowy sheets; - The second hight Tapstero, who will see - Our pots full filléd, and no froth therein; - The third, a gentle squire Ostlero hight, - Who will our palfries slick with wisps of straw, - And in the manger put them oats enough, - And never grease their teeth with candle-snuff. - -_Wife._ That same dwarf's a pretty boy, but the squire's a grout-nold. - -_Ralph._ Knock at the gates, my squire, with stately lance. - -_Enter_ TAPSTER. - -_Tap._ Who's there, you're welcome, gentlemen; will you see a room? - -_Dwarf._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, this -is the squire Tapstero. - - _Ralph._ Fair squire Tapstero, I a wandering knight, - Hight of the Burning Pestle, in the quest - Of this fair lady's casket and wrought purse, - Losing myself in this vast wilderness, - Am to this castle well by fortune brought, - Where hearing of the goodly entertain - Your knight of holy order of the Bell, - Gives to all damsels, and all errant knights, - I thought to knock, and now am bold to enter. - - _Tapst._ An't please you see a chamber, you are very welcome. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, I would have something done, and I cannot tell what it is. - -_Cit._ What is it, Nell? - -_Wife._ Why, George, shall Ralph beat nobody again? Prithee, sweetheart, -let him. - -_Cit._ So he shall, Nell, and if I join with him, we'll knock them all. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ MERCHANT. - -_Wife._ O George, here's Master Humphrey again now, that lost Mistress -Luce, and Mistress Luce's father. Master Humphrey will do somebody's -errand I warrant him. - - _Hum._ Father, it's true in arms I ne'er shall clasp her, - For she is stol'n away by your man Jasper. - - _Wife._ I thought he would tell him. - - _Mer._ Unhappy that I am to lose my child: - Now I begin to think on Jasper's words, - Who oft hath urg'd to me thy foolishness; - Why didst thou let her go? thou lov'st her not, - That wouldst bring home thy life, and not bring her. - - _Hum._ Father, forgive me, I shall tell you true, - Look on my shoulders, they are black and blue, - Whilst to and fro fair Luce and I were winding, - He came and basted me with a hedge binding. - - _Mer._ Get men and horses straight, we will be there - Within this hour; you know the place again? - - _Hum._ I know the place where he my loins did swaddle, - I'll get six horses, and to each a saddle. - - _Mer._ Mean time I will go talk with Jasper's father. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, what wilt thou lay with me now, that Master Humphrey has -not Mistress Luce yet; speak, George, what wilt thou lay with me? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, I warrant thee, Jasper is at Puckeridge with her by this. - -_Wife._ Nay, George, you must consider Mistress Luce's feet are tender, -and besides, 'tis dark, and I promise you truly, I do not see how he -should get out of Waltham Forest with her yet. - -_Cit._ Nay, honey, what wilt thou lay with me that Ralph has her not yet? - -_Wife._ I will not lay against Ralph, honny, because I have not spoken -with him: but look, George, peace, here comes the merry old gentleman -again. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "When it was grown to dark midnight, - And all were fast asleep, - In came Margaret's grimly ghost, - And stood at William's feet." - -I have money, and meat, and drink beforehand, till to-morrow at noon, -why should I be sad? Methinks I have half a dozen jovial spirits within -me, "I am three merry men, and three merry men." To what end should any -man be sad in this world? Give me a man that when he goes to hanging -cries "Troul the black bowl to me;" and a woman that will sing a catch -in her travail. I have seen a man come by my door with a serious face, -in a black cloak, without a hatband, carrying his head as if he look'd -for pins in the street. I have look'd out of my window half a year after, -and have spied that man's head upon London Bridge. 'Tis vile! Never trust -a tailor that does not sing at his work, his mind is of nothing but -filching. - -_Wife._ Mark this, George, 'tis worth noting: Godfrey, my tailor, you -know, never sings, and he had fourteen yards to make this gown: and I'll -be sworn, Mistress Penistone, the draper's wife, had one made with twelve. - - _Old Mer._ "'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood, - More than wine, or sleep, or food, - Let each man keep his heart at ease, - No man dies of that disease! - He that would his body keep - From diseases, must not weep, - But whoever laughs and sings, - Never he his body brings - Into fevers, gouts, or rhumes, - Or lingringly his lungs consumes; - Or meets with achés in the bone, - Or catarrhs, or griping stone: - But contented lives by aye, - The more he laughs, the more he may." - -_Wife._ Look, George. How say'st thou by this, George? Is't not a fine -old man? Now God's blessing a thy sweet lips. When wilt thou be so merry, -George? Faith, thou art the frowningst little thing, when thou art angry, -in a country. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Cit._ Peace, coney; thou shalt see him took down too, I warrant thee. -Here's Luce's father come now. - - _Old Mer._ "As you came from Walsingham, - From the Holy Land, - There met you not with my true love - By the way as you came?" - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought! my daughter's gone! - This mirth becomes you not, my daughter's gone! - - _Old Mer._ "Why an' if she be, what care I? - Or let her come, or go, or tarry." - - _Merch._ Mock not my misery, it is your son - (Whom I have made my own, when all forsook him), - Has stol'n my only joy, my child, away. - - _Old Mer._ "He set her on a milk-white steed, - And himself upon a gray, - He never turned his face again, - But he bore her quite away." - - _Merch._ Unworthy of the kindness I have shown - To thee and thine; too late, I well perceive - Thou art consenting to my daughter's loss. - -_Old Mer._ Your daughter? what a stir's here wi' y'r daughter? Let her -go, think no more on her, but sing loud. If both my sons were on the -gallows I would sing, - - "Down, down, down: they fall - Down, and arise they never shall." - - _Merch._ Oh, might but I behold her once again, - And she once more embrace her aged sire. - - _Old Mer._ Fie, how scurvily this goes: - "And she once more embrace her aged sire?" - You'll make a dog on her, will ye; she cares much for her aged - sire, I warrant you. - "She cares not for her daddy, nor - She cares not for her mammy, - For she is, she is, she is my - Lord of Low-gaves lassie." - - _Merch._ For this thy scorn I will pursue - That son of thine to death. - - _Old Merch._ Do, and when you ha' killed him, - "Give him flowers enow, Palmer, give him flowers enow, - Give him red and white, blue, green, and yellow." - -_Merch._ I'll fetch my daughter. - -_Old Mer._ I'll hear no more o' your daughter, it spoils my mirth. - -_Merch._ I say I'll fetch my daughter. - - _Old Mer._ "Was never man for lady's sake, down, down, - Tormented as I, Sir Guy? de derry down, - For Lucy's sake, that lady bright, down, down, - As ever man beheld with eye? de derry down." - - _Merch._ I'll be revenged, by heaven! [_Exeunt._ - - _Finis Actus Secundi._ [_Music._ - -_Wife._ How dost thou like this, George? - -_Cit._ Why this is well, dovey; but if Ralph were hot once, thou shouldst -see more. - -_Wife._ The fiddlers go again, husband. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, but this is scurvy music; I gave the young gallows -money, and I think he has not got me the waits of Southwark. If I hear -'em not anon, I'll twing him by the ears. You musicians, play Baloo. - -_Wife._ No, good George, let's have Lachrymæ. - -_Cit._ Why this is it, bird. - -_Wife._ Is't? All the better, George; now, sweet lamb, what story is that -painted upon the cloth? the Confutation of Saint Paul? - -_Cit._ No, lamb, that's Ralph and Lucrece. - -_Wife._ Ralph and Lucrece? Which Ralph? our Ralph? - -_Cit._ No, mouse, that was a Tartarian. - -_Wife._ A Tartarian? well, I would the fiddlers had done, that we might -see our Ralph again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Jasp._ Come, my dear dear, though we have lost our way - We have not lost ourselves. Are you not weary - With this night's wand'ring, broken from your rest? - And frighted with the terror that attends - The darkness of this wild unpeopled place? - - _Luce._ No, my best friend, I cannot either fear - Or entertain a weary thought, whilst you - (The end of all my full desires) stand by me. - Let them that lose their hopes, and live to languish - Amongst the number of forsaken lovers, - Tell the long weary steps and number Time, - Start at a shadow, and shrink up their blood, - Whilst I (possessed with all content and quiet) - Thus take my pretty love, and thus embrace him. - - _Jasp._ You've caught me, Luce, so fast, that whilst I live - I shall become your faithful prisoner, - And wear these chains for ever. Come, sit down, - And rest your body, too too delicate - For these disturbances; so, will you sleep? - Come, do not be more able than you are, - I know you are not skilful in these watches, - For women are no soldiers; be not nice, - But take it, sleep, I say. - - _Luce._ I cannot sleep, - Indeed I cannot, friend. - - _Jasp._ Why then we'll sing, - And try how that will work upon our senses. - - _Luce._ I'll sing, or say, or anything but sleep. - - _Jasp._ Come, little mermaid, rob me of my heart - With that enchanting voice. - - _Luce._ You mock me, Jasper. - - SONG. - - _Jasp._ Tell me, dearest, what is love? - - _Luce._ 'Tis a lightning from above, - 'Tis an arrow, 'tis a fire, - 'Tis a boy they call Desire. - 'Tis a smile - Doth beguile - - _Jasp._ The poor hearts of men that prove. - Tell me more, are women true? - - _Luce._ Some love change, and so do you. - - _Jasp._ Are they fair, and never kind? - - _Luce._ Yes, when men turn with the wind. - - _Jasp._ Are they froward? - - _Luce._ Ever toward - Those that love, to love anew. - - _Jasp._ Dissemble it no more, I see the god - Of heavy sleep, lays on his heavy mace - Upon your eyelids. - - _Luce._ I am very heavy. - - _Jasp._ Sleep, sleep, and quiet rest crown thy sweet thoughts: - Keep from her fair blood all distempers, startings, - Horrors and fearful shapes: let all her dreams - Be joys and chaste delights, embraces, wishes, - And such new pleasures as the ravish'd soul - Gives to the senses. So, my charms have took. - Keep her, ye Powers Divine, whilst I contemplate - Upon the wealth and beauty of her mind. - She's only fair, and constant, only kind, - And only to thee, Jasper. O my joys! - Whither will you transport me? let not fulness - Of my poor buried hopes come up together, - And over-charge my spirits; I am weak. - Some say (however ill) the sea and women - Are govern'd by the moon, both ebb and flow, - Both full of changes: yet to them that know, - And truly judge, these but opinions are, - And heresies to bring on pleasing war - Between our tempers, that without these were - Both void of after-love, and present fear; - Which are the best of Cupid. O thou child! - Bred from despair, I dare not entertain thee, - Having a love without the faults of women, - And greater in her perfect goods than men; - Which to make good, and please myself the stronger, - Though certainly I'm certain of her love, - I'll try her, that the world and memory - May sing to after-times her constancy. - Luce, Luce, awake! - - _Luce._ Why do you fright me, friend, - With those distempered looks? what makes your sword - Drawn in your hand? who hath offended you? - I prithee, Jasper, sleep, thou'rt wild with watching. - - _Jasp._ Come, make your way to Heav'n, and bid the world, - With all the villanies that stick upon it, - Farewell; you're for another life. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper, - How have my tender years committed evil, - Especially against the man I love, - Thus to be cropt untimely? - - _Jasp._ Foolish girl, - Canst thou imagine I could love his daughter - That flung me from my fortune into nothing? - Dischargéd me his service, shut the doors - Upon my poverty, and scorn'd my prayers, - Sending me, like a boat without a mast, - To sink or swim? Come, by this hand you die, - I must have life and blood, to satisfy - Your father's wrongs. - -_Wife._ Away, George, away, raise the watch at Ludgate, and bring a -mittimus from the justice for this desperate villain. Now, I charge you, -gentlemen, see the King's peace kept. O my heart, what a varlet's this, -to offer manslaughter upon the harmless gentlewoman? - -_Cit._ I warrant thee, sweetheart, we'll have him hampered. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper! be not cruel, - If thou wilt kill me, smile, and do it quickly, - And let not many deaths appear before me. - I am a woman made of fear and love, - A weak, weak woman, kill not with thy eyes, - They shoot me through and through. Strike, I am ready, - And dying, still I love thee. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, _and his_ MEN. - - _Merch._ Where abouts? - - _Jasp._ No more of this, now to myself again. - - _Hum._ There, there he stands with sword, like martial knight, - Drawn in his hand, therefore beware the fight - You that are wise; for were I good Sir Bevis, - I would not stay his coming, by your leaves. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, restore my daughter. - - _Jasp._ Sirrah, no. - - _Merch._ Upon him then. - - _Wife._ So, down with him, down with him, down with him! - Cut him i'the leg, boys, cut him i'the leg! - -_Merch._ Come your ways, minion, I'll provide a cage for you, you're -grown so tame. Horse her away. - - _Hum._ Truly I am glad your forces have the day. [_Exeunt._ - - _Manet_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ They're gone, and I am hurt; my love is lost, - Never to get again. Oh, me unhappy! - Bleed, bleed and die----I cannot; oh, my folly! - Thou hast betrayed me; hope, where art thou fled? - Tell me, if thou be'st anywhere remaining. - Shall I but see my love again? Oh, no! - She will not deign to look upon her butcher, - Nor is it fit she should; yet I must venture. - Oh chance, or fortune, or whate'er thou art - That men adore for powerful, hear my cry, - And let me loving live, or losing die. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Is he gone, George? - -_Cit._ Ay, coney. - -_Wife._ Marry, and let him go, sweetheart, by the faith a my body, a -has put me into such a fright, that I tremble (as they say) as 'twere -an aspin leaf. Look a my little finger, George, how it shakes: now, in -truth, every member of my body is the worse for't. - -_Cit._ Come, hug in mine arms, sweet mouse, he shall not fright thee any -more; alas, mine own dear heart, how it quivers. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, RALPH, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, DWARF, HOST, _and -a_ TAPSTER. - -_Wife._ O Ralph, how dost thou, Ralph? How hast thou slept to-night? Has -the knight used thee well? - - _Cit._ Peace, Nell, let Ralph alone. - - _Tap._ Master, the reckoning is not paid. - - _Ralph._ Right courteous Knight, who for the orders' sake - Which thou hast ta'en, hang'st out the holy Bell, - As I this flaming pestle bear about, - We render thanks to your puissant self, - Your beauteous lady, and your gentle squires, - For thus refreshing of our wearied limbs, - Stiffened with hard achievements in wild desert. - - _Tap._ Sir, there is twelve shillings to pay. - - _Ralph._ Thou merry squire Tapstero, thanks to thee - For comforting our souls with double jug, - And if adventurous fortune prick thee forth, - Thou jovial squire, to follow feats of arms, - Take heed thou tender ev'ry lady's cause, - Ev'ry true knight, and ev'ry damsel fair, - But spill the blood of treacherous Saracens, - And false enchanters, that with magic spells - Have done to death full many a noble knight. - -_Host._ Thou valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, give ear to me: there -is twelve shillings to pay, and as I am a true knight, I will not bate a -penny. - -_Wife._ George, I prithee tell me, must Ralph pay twelve shillings now? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, no, nothing; but the old knight is merry with Ralph. - -_Wife._ O, is't nothing else? Ralph will be as merry as he. - - _Ralph._ Sir Knight, this mirth of yours becomes you well, - But to requite this liberal courtesy, - If any of your squires will follow arms, - He shall receive from my heroic hand - A knighthood, by the virtue of this pestle. - -_Host._ Fair knight, I thank you for your noble offer; therefore, gentle -knight, twelve shillings you must pay, or I must cap you. - -_Wife._ Look, George, did not I tell thee as much? The knight of the Bell -is in earnest. Ralph shall not be beholding to him; give him his money, -George, and let him go snick-up. - -_Cit._ Cap Ralph? No; hold your hand, Sir Knight of the Bell, there's -your money. Have you anything to say to Ralph now? Cap Ralph? - -_Wife._ I would you should know it, Ralph has friends that will not -suffer him to be capt for ten times so much, and ten times to the end of -that. Now take thy course, Ralph. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, thou and I will go home to thy father, he -hath enough left to keep us a day or two, and we'll set fellows abroad to -cry our purse and casket. Shall we, Michael? - -_Mich._ Ay, I pray mother, in truth my feet are full of chilblains with -travelling. - -_Wife._ Faith and those chilblains are a foul trouble. Mistress -Merry-thought, when your youth comes home let him rub all the soles of -his feet and his heels and his ankles with a mouse-skin; or if none of -you can catch a mouse, when he goes to bed let him roll his feet in the -warm embers, and I warrant you he shall be well, and you may make him put -his fingers between his toes and smell to them, it's very sovereign for -his head if he be costive. - -_Mist. Mer._ Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, my son Michael and I -bid you farewell; I thank your worship heartily for your kindness. - - _Ralph._ Farewell, fair lady, and your tender squire. - If pricking through these deserts, I do hear - Of any trait'rous knight, who, through his guile - Hath light upon your casket and your purse, - I will despoil him of them and restore them. - - _Mist. Mer._ I thank your worship. [_Exit with_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Dwarf, bear my shield; squire, elevate my lance, - And now farewell, you knight of holy Bell. - - _Cit._ Ay, ay, Ralph, all is paid. - - _Ralph._ But yet before I go, speak, worthy knight, - If aught you do of sad adventures know, - Where errant knight may through his prowess win - Eternal fame, and free some gentle souls - From endless bonds of steel and lingring pain. - -_Host._ Sirrah, go to Nick the Barber, and bid him prepare himself, as I -told you before, quickly. - - _Tap._ I am gone, sir. [_Exit_ TAPSTER. - - _Host._ Sir Knight, this wilderness affordeth none - But the great venture, where full many a knight - Hath tried his prowess, and come off with shame, - And where I would not have you lose your life, - Against no man, but furious fiend of hell. - - _Ralph._ Speak on, Sir Knight, tell what he is, and where: - For here I vow upon my blazing badge, - Never to lose a day in quietness; - But bread and water will I only eat, - And the green herb and rock shall be my couch, - Till I have quell'd that man, or beast, or fiend, - That works such damage to all errant knights. - - _Host._ Not far from hence, near to a craggy cliff - At the north end of this distresséd town, - There doth stand a lowly house - Ruggedly builded, and in it a cave, - In which an ugly giant now doth dwell, - Yclepéd Barbaroso: in his hand - He shakes a naked lance of purest steel, - With sleeves turned up, and he before him wears - A motley garment, to preserve his clothes - From blood of those knights which he massacres, - And ladies gent: without his door doth hang - A copper bason, on a prickant spear; - At which, no sooner gentle knights can knock, - But the shrill sound fierce Barbaroso hears, - And rushing forth, brings in the errant knight, - And sets him down in an enchanted chair: - Then with an engine, which he hath prepar'd - With forty teeth, he claws his courtly crown, - Next makes him wink, and underneath his chin - He plants a brazen piece of mighty bore, - And knocks his bullets round about his cheeks, - Whilst with his fingers, and an instrument - With which he snaps his hair off, he doth fill - The wretch's ears with a most hideous noise. - Thus every knight adventurer he doth trim, - And now no creature dares encounter him. - - _Ralph._ In God's name, I will fight with him, kind sir. - Go but before me to this dismal cave - Where this huge giant Barbaroso dwells, - And by that virtue that brave Rosiclere, - That wicked brood of ugly giants slew, - And Palmerin Frannarco overthrew: - I doubt not but to curb this traitor foul, - And to the devil send his guilty soul. - - _Host._ Brave sprighted knight, thus far I will perform - This your request, I'll bring you within sight - Of this most loathsome place, inhabited - By a more loathsome man: but dare not stay, - For his main force swoops all he sees away. - - _Ralph._ Saint George! set on, before march squire and page. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, dost think Ralph will confound the giant? - -_Cit._ I hold my cap to a farthing he does. Why, Nell, I saw him wrestle -with the great Dutchman, and hurl him. - -_Wife._ Faith and that Dutchman was a goodly man, if all things were -answerable to his bigness. And yet they say there was a Scottishman -higher than he, and that they two on a night met, and saw one another for -nothing. - -_Cit._ Nay, by your leave, Nell, Ninivie was better. - -_Wife._ Ninivie, O that was the story of Joan and the Wall, was it not, -George? - -_Cit._ Yes, lamb. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Look, George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought again, and I -would have Ralph come and fight with the giant. I tell you true, I long -to see't. - -_Cit._ Good Mistress Merry-thought, be gone, I pray you for my sake; I -pray you forbear a little, you shall have audience presently: I have a -little business. - -_Wife._ Mistress Merry-thought, if it please you to refrain your passion -a little, till Ralph have dispatched the giant out of the way, we shall -think ourselves much bound to thank you. I thank you, good Mistress -Merry-thought. - - [_Exit_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ Boy, come hither, send away Ralph and this master giant quickly. - -_Boy._ In good faith, sir, we cannot; you'll utterly spoil our play, and -make it to be hissed, and it cost money; you will not suffer us to go on -with our plots. I pray, gentlemen, rule him. - -_Cit._ Let him come now and dispatch this, and I'll trouble you no more. - -_Boy._ Will you give me your hand of that? - -_Wife._ Give him thy hand, George, do, and I'll kiss him; I warrant thee -the youth means plainly. - - _Boy._ I'll send him to you presently. [_Exit_ BOY. - -_Wife._ I thank you, little youth; faith the child hath a sweet breath. -George, but I think it be troubled with the worms; Carduus Benedictus and -mare's milk were the only thing in the world for it. Oh, Ralph's here, -George! God send thee good luck, Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, HOST, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Host._ Puissant knight, yonder his mansion is, - Lo, where the spear and copper bason are, - Behold the string on which hangs many a tooth, - Drawn from the gentle jaw of wandering knights; - I dare not stay to sound, he will appear. [_Exit_ HOST. - - _Ralph._ O faint not, heart: Susan, my lady dear, - The cobbler's maid in Milk Street, for whose sake - I take these arms, O let the thought of thee - Carry thy knight through all adventurous deed, - And in the honour of thy beauteous self, - May I destroy this monster Barbaroso. - Knock, squire, upon the bason till it break - With the shrill strokes, or till the giant speak. - -_Enter_ BARBAROSO. - -_Wife._ O George, the giant, the giant! Now, Ralph, for thy life! - - _Bar._ What fond unknowing wight is this, that dares - So rudely knock at Barbaroso's cell, - Where no man comes, but leaves his fleece behind? - - _Ralph._ I, traitorous caitiff, who am sent by fate - To punish all the sad enormities - Thou hast committed against ladies gent, - And errant knights, traitor to God and men. - Prepare thyself, this is the dismal hour - Appointed for thee to give strict account - Of all thy beastly treacherous villanies. - - _Bar._ Foolhardy knight, full soon thou shalt aby - This fond reproach, thy body will I bang, - [_He takes down his pole._ - And lo, upon that string thy teeth shall hang; - Prepare thyself, for dead soon shalt thou be. - - _Ralph._ Saint George for me! [_They fight._ - -_Bar._ Gargantua for me! - -_Wife._ To him, Ralph, to him: hold up the giant, set out thy leg before, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Falsify a blow, Ralph, falsify a blow; the giant lies open on the -left side. - -_Wife._ Bear't off, bear't off still; there, boy. Oh, Ralph's almost -down, Ralph's almost down! - -_Ralph._ Susan, inspire me, now have up again. - -_Wife._ Up, up, up, up, up, so, Ralph; down with him, down with him, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Fetch him over the hip, boy. - -_Wife._ There, boy; kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, Ralph! - -_Cit._ No, Ralph, get all out of him first. - - _Ralph._ Presumptuous man, see to what desperate end - Thy treachery hath brought thee; the just gods, - Who never prosper those that do despise them, - For all the villanies which thou hast done - To knights and ladies, now have paid thee home - By my stiff arm, a knight adventurous. - But say, vile wretch, before I send thy soul - To sad Avernus, whither it must go, - What captives hold'st thou in thy sable cave? - - _Bar._ Go in and free them all, thou hast the day. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire and dwarf, search in this dreadful cave, - And free the wretched prisoners from their bonds. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Bar._ I crave for mercy as thou art a knight, - And scorn'st to spill the blood of those that beg. - - _Ralph._ Thou showest no mercy, nor shalt thou have any; - Prepare thyself, for thou shalt surely die. - -_Enter_ SQUIRE, _leading one winking, with a bason under his chin_. - - _Squire._ Behold, brave knight, here is one prisoner, - Whom this wild man hath used as you see. - - _Wife._ This is the wisest word I hear the squire speak. - - _Ralph._ Speak what thou art, and how thou hast been us'd, - That I may give him condign punishment. - - _1st Knight._ I am a knight that took my journey post - Northward from London, and in courteous wise, - This giant train'd me to his loathsome den, - Under pretence of killing of the itch, - And all my body with a powder strew'd, - That smarts and stings; and cut away my beard, - And my curl'd locks wherein were ribands ty'd, - And with a water washt my tender eyes - (Whilst up and down about me still he skipt), - Whose virtue is, that till my eyes be wip'd - With a dry cloth, for this my foul disgrace, - I shall not dare to look a dog i' th' face. - -_Wife._ Alas, poor knight. Relieve him, Ralph; relieve poor knights -whilst you live. - - _Ralph._ My trusty squire, convey him to the town, - Where he may find relief; adieu, fair knight. - [_Exit_ KNIGHT. - -_Enter_ DWARF, _leading one with a patch over his nose_. - - _Dwarf._ Puissant Knight of the Burning Pestle hight, - See here another wretch, whom this foul beast - Hath scotch'd and scor'd in this inhuman wise. - - _Ralph._ Speak me thy name, and eke thy place of birth, - And what hath been thy usage in this cave. - - _2nd Knight._ I am a knight, Sir Partle is my name, - And by my birth I am a Londoner, - Free by my copy, but my ancestors - Were Frenchmen all; and riding hard this way, - Upon a trotting horse, my bones did ache, - And I, faint knight, to ease my weary limbs, - Light at this cave, when straight this furious fiend, - With sharpest instrument of purest steel, - Did cut the gristle of my nose away, - And in the place this velvet plaster stands. - Relieve me, gentle knight, out of his hands. - -_Wife._ Good Ralph, relieve Sir Partle, and send him away, for in truth -his breath stinks. - -_Ralph._ Convey him straight after the other knight. Sir Partle, fare you -well. - - _3rd Knight._ Kind sir, good night. [_Exit._ - [_Cries within._ - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - -_Wife._ Hark, George, what a woful cry there is. I think some one is ill -there. - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - - _Ralph._ What ghastly noise is this? Speak, Barbaroso, - Or by this blazing steel thy head goes off. - - _Bar._ Prisoners of mine, whom I in diet keep. - Send lower down into the cave, - And in a tub that's heated smoking hot, - There may they find them, and deliver them. - - - _Ralph._ Run, squire and dwarf, deliver them with speed. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Wife._ But will not Ralph kill this giant? Surely I am afraid if he let -him go he will do as much hurt as ever he did. - -_Cit._ Not so, mouse, neither, if he could convert him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, if he could convert him; but a giant is not so soon -converted as one of us ordinary people. There's a pretty tale of a witch, -that had the devil's mark about her, God bless us, that had a giant to -her son, that was call'd Lob-lie-by-the-fire. Didst never hear it, George? - -_Enter_ SQUIRE _leading a man with a glass of lotion in his hand, and -the_ DWARF _leading a woman, with diet bread and drink_. - -_Cit._ Peace, Nell, here come the prisoners. - - _Dwarf._ Here be these pined wretches, manful knight, - That for these six weeks have not seen a wight. - - _Ralph._ Deliver what you are, and how you came - To this sad cave, and what your usage was? - - _Man._ I am an errant knight that followed arms, - With spear and shield, and in my tender years - I strucken was with Cupid's fiery shaft, - And fell in love with this my lady dear, - And stole her from her friends in Turnball Street, - And bore her up and down from town to town, - Where we did eat and drink, and music hear; - Till at the length at this unhappy town - We did arrive, and coming to this cave, - This beast us caught, and put us in a tub, - Where we this two months sweat, and should have done - Another month if you had not relieved us. - - _Wom._ This bread and water hath our diet been, - Together with a rib cut from a neck - Of burned mutton; hard hath been our fare. - Release us from this ugly giant's snare. - - _Man._ This hath been all the food we have receiv'd; - But only twice a day, for novelty, - He gave a spoonful of this hearty broth - [_Pulls out a syringe._ - To each of us, through this same slender quill. - - _Ralph._ From this infernal monster you shall go, - That useth knights and gentle ladies so. - Convey them hence. [_Exeunt Man and Woman._ - -_Cit._ Mouse, I can tell thee, the gentlemen like Ralph. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, I see it well enough. Gentlemen, I thank you all -heartily for gracing my man Ralph, and I promise you, you shall see him -oftener. - - _Bar._ Mercy, great knight, I do recant my ill, - And henceforth never gentle blood will spill. - - _Ralph._ I give thee mercy, but yet thou shalt swear - Upon my burning pestle to perform - Thy promise utter'd. - - _Bar._ I swear and kiss. - - _Ralph._ Depart then, and amend. - Come, squire and dwarf, the sun grows towards his set, - And we have many more adventures yet. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Now Ralph is in this humour, I know he would ha' beaten all the -boys in the house, if they had been set on him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but it is well as it is. I warrant you the gentlemen -do consider what it is to overthrow a giant. But look, George, here -comes Mistress Merry-thought, and her son Michael. Now you are welcome, -Mistress Merry-thought; now Ralph has done, you may go on. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Mick, my boy. - -_Mick._ Ay forsooth, mother. - -_Mist. Mer._ Be merry, Mick, we are at home now, where I warrant you, you -shall find the house flung out of the windows. Hark! hey dogs, hey, this -is the old world i'faith with my husband. I'll get in among them, I'll -play them such lesson, that they shall have little list to come scraping -hither again. Why, Master Merry-thought, husband, Charles Merry-thought! - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "If you will sing and dance and laugh, - And holloa, and laugh again; - And then cry, there boys, there; why then, - One, two, three, and four, - We shall be merry within this hour." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Charles, do you not know your own natural wife? I -say, open the door, and turn me out those mangy companions; 'tis more -than time that they were fellow like with you. You are a gentleman, -Charles, and an old man, and father of two children; and I myself, though -I say it, by my mother's side, niece to a worshipful gentleman, and a -conductor; he has been three times in his Majesty's service at Chester, -and is now the fourth time, God bless him, and his charge upon his -journey. - - _Old Mer._ "Go from my window, love, go; - Go from my window, my dear, - The wind and the rain will drive you back again, - You cannot be lodgéd here." - -Hark you, Mistress Merry-thought, you that walk upon adventures, and -forsake your husband because he sings with never a penny in his purse; -what, shall I think myself the worse? Faith no, I'll be merry. You come -not here, here's none but lads of mettle, lives of a hundred years and -upwards; care never drunk their bloods, nor want made them warble, - - "Heigh-ho, my heart is heavy." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, what am I that you should laugh -me to scorn thus abruptly? Am I not your fellow-feeler, as we may say, -in all our miseries? your comforter in health and sickness? Have I not -brought you children? Are they not like you, Charles? Look upon thine own -image, hard-hearted man; and yet for all this---- - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Begone, begone, my juggy, my puggy, - Begone, my love, my dear; - The weather is warm, - 'Twill do thee no harm, - Thou canst not be lodged here." - -Be merry, boys, some light music, and more wine. - -_Wife._ He's not in earnest, I hope, George, is he? - -_Cit._ What if he be, sweetheart? - -_Wife._ Marry if he be, George, I'll make bold to tell him he's an -ingrant old man to use his wife so scurvily. - -_Cit._ What, how does he use her, honey? - -_Wife._ Marry come up, Sir Sauce-box; I think you'll take his part, will -you not? Lord, how hot are you grown; you are a fine man, an' you had a -fine dog, it becomes you sweetly. - -_Cit._ Nay, prithee Nell, chide not; for as I am an honest man, and a -true Christian grocer, I do not like his doings. - -_Wife._ I cry you mercy then, George; you know we are all frail, and full -of infirmities. D'ye hear, Master Merry-thought, may I crave a word with -you? - -_Old Mer._ [within.] Strike up lively, lads. - -_Wife._ I had not thought in truth, Master Merry-thought, that a man of -your age and discretion, as I may say, being a gentleman, and therefore -known by your gentle conditions, could have used so little respect to the -weakness of his wife; for your wife is your own flesh, the staff of your -age, your yoke-fellow, with whose help you draw through the mire of this -transitory world. Nay, she is your own rib. And again---- - - _Old Mer._ "I come not hither for thee to teach, - I have no pulpit for thee to preach, - As thou art a lady gay." - -_Wife._ Marry with a vengeance! I am heartily sorry for the poor -gentlewoman; but if I were thy wife, i'faith, gray beard, i'faith---- - -_Cit._ I prithee, sweet honeysuckle, be content. - -_Wife._ Give me such words that am a gentlewoman born, hang him, hoary -rascal! Get me some drink, George, I am almost molten with fretting. Now -beshrew his knave's heart for it. - -_Old Mer._ Play me a light lavalto. Come, be frolic, fill the good -fellows wine. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, are you disposed to make me wait -here. You'll open, I hope; I'll fetch them that shall open else. - -_Old Mer._ Good woman, if you will sing, I'll give you something, if -not---- - - SONG. - - You are no love for me, Marget, - I am no love for you. - Come aloft, boys, aloft. - -_Mist. Mer._ Now a churl's fist in your teeth, sir. Come, Mick, we'll -not trouble him, a shall not ding us i' th' teeth with his bread and his -broth, that he shall not. Come, boy, I'll provide for thee, I warrant -thee. We'll go to Master Venterwels the merchant; I'll get his letter to -mine host of the Bell in Waltham, there I'll place thee with the tapster; -will not that do well for thee, Mick? And let me alone for that old -rascally knave, your father; I'll use him in his kind, I warrant ye. - -_Wife._ Come, George, where's the beer? - -_Cit._ Here, love. - -_Wife._ This old fumigating fellow will not out of my mind yet. -Gentlemen, I'll begin to you all, I desire more of your acquaintance, -with all my heart. Fill the gentlemen some beer, George. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -_Boy danceth._ - -_Wife._ Look, George, the little boy's come again; methinks he looks -something like the Prince of Orange, in his long stocking, if he had a -little harness about his neck. George, I will have him dance Fading; -Fading is a fine jig, I'll assure you, gentlemen. Begin, brother; now a -capers, sweetheart; now a turn a th' toe, and then tumble. Cannot you -tumble, youth? - -_Boy._ No, indeed, forsooth. - -_Wife._ Nor eat fire? - -_Boy._ Neither. - -_Wife._ Why, then I thank you heartily; there's two pence to buy you -points withal. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ BOY. - - _Jasp._ There, boy, deliver this. But do it well. - Hast thou provided me four lusty fellows, - Able to carry me? And art thou perfect - In all thy business? - - _Boy._ Sir, you need not fear, - I have my lesson here, and cannot miss it: - The men are ready for you, and what else - Pertains to this employment. - - _Jasp._ There, my boy, - Take it, but buy no land. - - _Boy._ Faith, sir, 'twere rare - To see so young a purchaser. I fly, - And on my wings carry your destiny. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ Go, and be happy. Now my latest hope - Forsake me not, but fling thy anchor out, - And let it hold. Stand fixt, thou rolling stone, - Till I possess my dearest. Hear me, all - You Powers, that rule in men, celestial. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Go thy ways, thou art as crooked a sprig as ever grew in London. -I warrant him he'll come to some naughty end or other; for his looks say -no less. Besides, his father (you know, George) is none of the best; you -heard him take me up like a gill flirt, and sing bad songs upon me. But -i'faith, if I live, George---- - -_Cit._ Let me alone, sweetheart, I have a trick in my head shall lodge -him in the Arches for one year, and make him sing Peccavi, ere I leave -him, and yet he shall never know who hurt him neither. - -_Wife._ Do, my good George, do. - -_Cit._ What shall we have Ralph do now, boy? - -_Boy._ You shall have what you will, sir. - -_Cit._ Why so, sir, go and fetch me him then, and let the Sophy of Persia -come and christen him a child. - -_Boy._ Believe me, sir, that will not do so well; 'tis stale, it has been -had before at the Red Bull. - -_Wife._ George, let Ralph travel over great hills, and let him be weary, -and come to the King of Cracovia's house, covered with black velvet, and -there let the king's daughter stand in her window all in beaten gold, -combing her golden locks with a comb of ivory, and let her spy Ralph, -and fall in love with him, and come down to him, and carry him into her -father's house, and then let Ralph talk with her. - -_Cit._ Well said, Nell, it shall be so. Boy, let's ha't done quickly. - -_Boy._ Sir, if you will imagine all this to be done already, you shall -hear them talk together. But we cannot present a house covered with black -velvet, and a lady in beaten gold. - -_Cit._ Sir Boy, let's ha't as you can then. - -_Boy._ Besides, it will show ill-favouredly to have a grocer's prentice -to court a king's daughter. - -_Cit._ Will it so, sir? You are well read in histories: I pray you what -was Sir Dagonet? Was not he prentice to a grocer in London? Read the play -of the "Four Prentices of London," where they toss their pikes so. I pray -you fetch him in, sir; fetch him in. - - _Boy._ It shall be done, it is not our fault, gentlemen. - [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Now we shall see fine doings, I warrant thee, George. Oh, here -they come; how prettily the King of Cracovia's daughter is drest. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and the_ LADY, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, it is the fashion of that country, I warrant thee. - - _Lady._ Welcome, Sir Knight, unto my father's court, - King of Moldavia, unto me Pompiona, - His daughter dear. But sure you do not like - Your entertainment, that will stay with us - No longer but a night. - - _Ralph._ Damsel right fair, - I am on many sad adventures bound, - That call me forth into the wilderness. - Besides, my horse's back is something gall'd, - Which will enforce me ride a sober pace. - But many thanks, fair lady, be to you, - For using errant knight with courtesy. - - _Lady._ But say, brave knight, what is your name and birth? - - _Ralph._ My name is Ralph. I am an Englishman, - As true as steel, a hearty Englishman, - And prentice to a grocer in the Strand, - By deed indent, of which I have one part: - But fortune calling me to follow arms, - On me this holy order I did take, - Of Burning Pestle, which in all men's eyes - I bear, confounding ladies' enemies. - - _Lady._ Oft have I heard of your brave countrymen, - And fertile soil, and store of wholesome food; - My father oft will tell me of a drink - In England found, and Nipitato call'd, - Which driveth all the sorrow from your hearts. - - _Ralph._ Lady, 'tis true, you need not lay your lips - To better Nipitato than there is. - - _Lady._ And of a wildfowl he will often speak, - Which powdered beef and mustard called is: - For there have been great wars 'twixt us and you; - But truly, Ralph, it was not long of me. - Tell me then, Ralph, could you contented be - To wear a lady's favour in your shield? - - _Ralph._ I am a knight of a religious order, - And will not wear a favour of a lady - That trusts in Antichrist, and false traditions. - - _Cit._ Well said, Ralph, convert her if thou canst. - - _Ralph._ Besides, I have a lady of my own - In merry England; for whose virtuous sake - I took these arms, and Susan is her name, - A cobbler's maid in Milk Street, whom I vow - Ne'er to forsake, whilst life and pestle last. - - _Lady._ Happy that cobbling dame, whoe'er she be, - That for her own (dear Ralph) hath gotten thee. - Unhappy I, that ne'er shall see the day - To see thee more, that bear'st my heart away. - - _Ralph._ Lady, farewell; I must needs take my leave. - - _Lady._ Hard-hearted Ralph, that ladies dost deceive. - -_Cit._ Hark thee, Ralph, there's money for thee; give something in the -King of Cracovia's house; be not beholding to him. - - _Ralph._ Lady, before I go, I must remember - Your father's officers, who, truth to tell, - Have been about me very diligent: - Hold up thy snowy hand, thou princely maid. - There's twelve pence for your father's chamberlain, - And there's another shilling for his cook, - For, by my troth, the goose was roasted well. - And twelve pence for your father's horse-keeper, - For 'nointing my horse back; and for his butter, - There is another shilling; to the maid - That wash'd my boot-hose, there's an English groat, - And two pence to the boy that wip'd my boots. - And last, fair lady, there is for your self - Three pence to buy you pins at Bumbo Fair. - - _Lady._ Full many thanks, and I will keep them safe - Till all the heads be off, for thy sake, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ Advance, my squire and dwarf, I cannot stay. - - _Lady._ Thou kill'st my heart in parting thus away. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ I commend Ralph yet, that he will not stoop to a Cracovian; -there's properer women in London than any are there, I wis. But here -comes Master Humphrey and his love again; now, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, bird, peace. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, LUCE, _and_ BOY. - - _Merch._ Go, get you up, I will not be entreated. - And, gossip mine, I'll keep you sure hereafter - From gadding out again with boys and unthrifts; - Come, they are women's tears, I know your fashion. - Go, sirrah, lock her in, and keep the key - [_Exeunt_ LUCE _and_ BOY. - Safe as your life. Now, my son Humphrey, - You may both rest assuréd of my love - In this, and reap your own desire. - - _Humph._ I see this love you speak of, through your daughter, - Although the hole be little, and hereafter - Will yield the like in all I may or can, - Fitting a Christian and a gentleman. - - _Merch._ I do believe you, my good son, and thank you, - For 'twere an impudence to think you flattered. - - _Humph._ It were indeed, but shall I tell you why, - I have been beaten twice about the lie. - - _Merch._ Well, son, no more of compliment; my daughter - Is yours again: appoint the time and take her. - We'll have no stealing for it, I myself - And some few of our friends will see you married. - - _Humph._ I would you would i'faith, for be it known - I ever was afraid to lie alone. - - _Merch._ Some three days hence, then. - - _Humph._ Three days, let me see, - 'Tis somewhat of the most, yet I agree, - Because I mean against the 'pointed day, - To visit all my friends in new array. - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - -_Serv._ Sir, there's a gentlewoman without would speak with your worship. - -_Merch._ What is she? - -_Serv._ Sir, I asked her not. - -_Merch._ Bid her come in. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Peace be to your worship, I come as a poor suitor to you, -sir, in the behalf of this child. - -_Merch._ Are you not wife to Merry-thought? - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes truly, would I had ne'er seen his eyes, he has undone me -and himself, and his children, and there he lives at home and sings and -hoits, and revels among his drunken companions; but I warrant you, where -to get a penny to put bread in his mouth, he knows not. And therefore if -it like your worship, I would entreat your letter to the honest host of -the Bell in Waltham, that I may place my child under the protection of -his tapster, in some settled course of life. - - _Merch._ I'm glad the Heav'ns have heard my prayers. Thy husband, - When I was ripe in sorrows, laughed at me; - Thy son, like an unthankful wretch, I having - Redeem'd him from his fall, and made him mine, - To show his love again, first stole my daughter: - Then wrong'd this gentleman, and last of all - Gave me that grief, had almost brought me down - Unto my grave, had not a stronger hand - Reliev'd my sorrows. Go, and weep as I did, - And be unpitied, for here I profess - An everlasting hate to all thy name. - -_Mist. Mer._ Will you so, sir, how say you by that? Come, Mick, let him -keep his wind to cool his pottage; we'll go to thy nurse's, Mick, she -knits silk stockings, boy; and we'll knit too, boy, and be beholding to -none of them all. - - [_Exeunt_ MICHAEL _and_ MOTHER. - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a letter_. - -_Boy._ Sir, I take it you are the master of this house. - -_Merch._ How then, boy? - -_Boy._ Then to yourself, sir, comes this letter. - -_Merch._ From whom, my pretty boy? - - _Boy._ From him that was your servant, but no more - Shall that name ever be, for he is dead. - Grief of your purchas'd anger broke his heart; - I saw him die, and from his hand receiv'd - This paper, with a charge to bring it hither; - Read it, and satisfy yourself in all. - -LETTER. - -_Merch._ _Sir, that I have wronged your love I must confess, in which I -have purchas'd to myself, besides mine own undoing, the ill opinion of my -friends; let not your anger, good sir, outlive me, but suffer me to rest -in peace with your forgiveness; let my body (if a dying man may so much -prevail with you) be brought to your daughter, that she may know my hot -flames are now buried, and withal receive a testimony of the zeal I bore -her virtue. Farewell for ever, and be ever happy._--JASPER. - - God's hand is great in this. I do forgive him, - Yet am I glad he's quiet, where I hope - He will not bite again. Boy, bring the body, - And let him have his will, if that be all. - - _Boy._ 'Tis here without, sir. - - _Merch._ So, sir, if you please - You may conduct it in, I do not fear it. - - _Humph._ I'll be your usher, boy, for though I say it, - He ow'd me something once, and well did pay it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ LUCE _alone_. - - _Luce._ If there be any punishment inflicted - Upon the miserable, more than yet I feel, - Let it together seize me, and at once - Press down my soul; I cannot bear the pain - Of these delaying tortures. Thou that art - The end of all, and the sweet rest of all, - Come, come, O Death, and bring me to thy peace, - And blot out all the memory I nourish - Both of my father and my cruel friend. - O wretched maid, still living to be wretched, - To be a say to Fortune in her changes, - And grow to number times and woes together. - How happy had I been, if being born - My grave had been my cradle? - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - - _Serv._ By your leave, - Young mistress, here's a boy hath brought a coffin, - What a would say I know not; but your father - Charg'd me to give you notice. Here they come. - -_Enter two bearing a coffin_, JASPER _in it_. - - _Luce._ For me I hope 'tis come, and 'tis most welcome. - - _Boy._ Fair mistress, let me not add greater grief - To that great store you have already; Jasper - (That whilst he liv'd was yours, now's dead, - And here inclos'd) commanded me to bring - His body hither, and to crave a tear - From those fair eyes, though he deserv'd not pity, - To deck his funeral, for so he bid me - Tell her for whom he died. - - _Luce._ He shall have many. - - [_Exeunt_ COFFIN-CARRIER _and_ BOY. - - Good friends, depart a little, whilst I take - My leave of this dead man, that once I lov'd: - Hold, yet a little, life, and then I give thee - To thy first Heav'nly Being. O my friend! - Hast thou deceiv'd me thus, and got before me? - I shall not long be after, but believe me, - Thou wert too cruel, Jasper, 'gainst thyself, - In punishing the fault I could have pardon'd, - With so untimely death; thou didst not wrong me, - But ever wert most kind, most true, most loving: - And I the most unkind, most false, most cruel. - Didst thou but ask a tear? I'll give thee all, - Even all my eyes can pour down, all my sighs, - And all myself, before thou goest from me. - These are but sparing rites; but if thy soul - Be yet about this place, and can behold - And see what I prepare to deck thee with, - It shall go up, borne on the wings of peace, - And satisfied. First will I sing thy dirge, - Then kiss thy pale lips, and then die, myself, - And fill one coffin, and one grave together. - - SONG. - - Come you whose loves are dead, - And whilst I sing, - Weep and wring - Every hand, and every head - Bind with cypress and sad yew; - Ribbons black and candles blue, - For him that was of men most true. - - Come with heavy moaning, - And on his grave - Let him have - Sacrifice of sighs and groaning; - Let him have fair flowers enow, - White and purple, green and yellow, - For him that was of men most true. - - Thou sable cloth, sad cover of my joys, - I lift thee up, and thus I meet with death. - - _Jasp._ And thus you meet the living. - - _Luce._ Save me, Heav'n! - - _Jasp._ Nay, do not fly me, fair, I am no spirit; - Look better on me, do you know me yet? - - _Luce._ O thou dear shadow of my friend! - - _Jasp._ Dear substance, - I swear I am no shadow; feel my hand, - It is the same it was: I am your Jasper, - Your Jasper that's yet living, and yet loving; - Pardon my rash attempt, my foolish proof - I put in practice of your constancy. - For sooner should my sword have drunk my blood, - And set my soul at liberty, than drawn - The least drop from that body, for which boldness - Doom me to anything; if death, I take it - And willingly. - - _Luce._ This death I'll give you for it: - So, now I'm satisfied; you are no spirit; - But my own truest, truest, truest friend, - Why do you come thus to me? - - _Jasp._ First, to see you, - Then to convey you hence. - - _Luce._ It cannot be, - For I am lock'd up here, and watch'd at all hours, - That 'tis impossible for me to 'scape. - - _Jasp._ Nothing more possible: within this coffin - Do you convey yourself; let me alone, - I have the wits of twenty men about me, - Only I crave the shelter of your closet - A little, and then fear me not; creep in - That they may presently convey you hence. - Fear nothing, dearest love, I'll be your second; - Lie close, so, all goes well yet. Boy! - - _Boy._ At hand, sir. - - _Jasp._ Convey away the coffin, and be wary. - - _Boy._ 'Tis done already. - - _Jasp._ Now must I go conjure. [_Exit._ - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Merch._ Boy, boy! - -_Boy._ Your servant, sir. - -_Merch._ Do me this kindness, boy; hold, here's a crown: before thou bury -the body of this fellow, carry it to his old merry father, and salute him -from me, and bid him sing: he hath cause. - - _Boy._ I will, sir. - - _Merch._ And then bring me word what tune he is in, - And have another crown; but do it truly. - I've fitted him a bargain, now, will vex him. - - _Boy._ God bless your worship's health, sir. - - _Merch._ Farewell, boy. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MASTER MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Ah, Old Merry-thought, art thou there again? Let's hear some of -thy songs. - - _Old Mer._ "Who can sing a merrier note - Than he that cannot change a groat?" - -Not a denier left, and yet my heart leaps; I do wonder yet, as old as I -am, that any man will follow a trade, or serve, that may sing and laugh, -and walk the streets. My wife and both my sons are I know not where; I -have nothing left, nor know I how to come by meat to supper, yet am I -merry still; for I know I shall find it upon the table at six o'clock; -therefore, hang thought. - - "I would not be a serving-man - To carry the cloak-bag still, - Nor would I be a falconer - The greedy hawks to fill; - But I would be in a good house, - And have a good master too; - But I would eat and drink of the best, - And no work would I do." - -This is it that keeps life and soul together, mirth. This is the -philosopher's stone that they write so much on, that keeps a man ever -young. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Boy._ Sir, they say they know all your money is gone, and they will -trust you for no more drink. - -_Old Mer._ Will they not? Let 'em choose. The best is, I have mirth at -home, and need not send abroad for that. Let them keep their drink to -themselves. - - "For Jillian of Berry, she dwells on a hill, - And she hath good beer and ale to sell, - And of good fellows she thinks no ill, - And thither will we go now, now, now, and - thither will we go now. - And when you have made a little stay, - You need not know what is to pay, - But kiss your hostess and go your way. - And thither, &c." - -_Enter another_ BOY. - -_2nd Boy._ Sir, I can get no bread for supper. - -_Old Mer._ Hang bread and supper, let's preserve our mirth, and we shall -never feel hunger, I'll warrant you; let's have a catch. Boy, follow me; -come sing this catch: - - "Ho, ho, nobody at home, - Meat, nor drink, nor money ha' we none; - Fill the pot, Eedy, - Never more need I." - -So, boys, enough, follow me; let's change our place, and we shall laugh -afresh. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Let him go, George, a shall not have any countenance from us, -not a good word from any i' th' company, if I may strike stroke in't. - -_Cit._ No more a sha'not, love; but, Nell, I will have Ralph do a very -notable matter now, to the eternal honour and glory of all grocers. -Sirrah, you there, boy, can none of you hear? - -_Boy._ Sir, your pleasure. - -_Cit._ Let Ralph come out on May-day in the morning, and speak upon a -conduit with all his scarfs about him, and his feathers, and his rings, -and his knacks. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, you do not think of our plot, what will become of that, -then? - -_Cit._ Why, sir, I care not what become on't. I'll have him come out, -or I'll fetch him out myself, I'll have something done in honour of the -city; besides, he hath been long enough upon adventures. Bring him out -quickly, for I come amongst you---- - -_Boy._ Well, sir, he shall come out; but if our play miscarry, sir, you -are like to pay for't. - - [_Exit._ - -_Cit._ Bring him away, then. - -_Wife._ This will be brave, i'faith. George, shall not he dance the -morrice, too, for the credit of the Strand? - -_Cit._ No, sweetheart, it will be too much for the boy. Oh, there he is, -Nell; he's reasonable well in reparel, but he has not rings enough. - -_Enter_ RALPH. - - _Ralph._ "London, to thee I do present the merry month of May", - Let each true subject be content to hear me what I say: - For from the top of conduit head, as plainly may appear, - I will both tell my name to you, and wherefore I came here. - My name is Ralph, by due descent, though not ignoble I, - Yet far inferior to the flock of gracious grocery. - And by the common counsel of my fellows in the Strand, - With gilded staff, and crossed scarf, the May lord here I stand. - Rejoice, O English hearts, rejoice; rejoice, O lovers dear; - Rejoice, O city, town, and country; rejoice eke every shire; - For now the fragrant flowers do spring and sprout in seemly sort, - The little birds do sit and sing, the lambs do make fine sport; - And now the birchin tree doth bud that makes the schoolboy cry, - The morrice rings while hobby-horse doth foot it featuously: - The lords and ladies now abroad, for their disport and play, - Do kiss sometimes upon the grass, and sometimes in the hay. - Now butter with a leaf of sage is good to purge the blood, - Fly Venus and Phlebotomy, for they are neither good. - Now little fish on tender stone begin to cast their bellies, - And sluggish snail, that erst were mew'd, do creep out of their - shellies. - The rumbling rivers now do warm, for little boys to paddle, - The sturdy steed now goes to grass, and up they hang his saddle. - The heavy hart, the blowing buck, the rascal and the pricket, - Are now among the yeoman's pease, and leave the fearful thicket. - And be like them, O you, I say, of this same noble town, - And lift aloft your velvet heads, and slipping of your gown, - With bells on legs, and napkins clean unto your shoulders ty'd, - With scarfs and garters as you please, and Hey for our town! cry'd. - March out and show your willing minds, by twenty and by twenty, - To Hogsdon, or to Newington, where ale and cakes are plenty. - And let it ne'er be said for shame, that we the youths of London, - Lay thrumming of our caps at home, and left our custom undone. - Up then I say, both young and old, both man and maid a-maying, - With drums and guns that bounce aloud, and merry tabor playing. - Which to prolong, God save our king, and send his country peace, - And root out treason from the land; and so, my friends, I cease. - - * * * * * - - -ACT V.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, _solus_. - -_Merch._ I will have no great store of company at the wedding: a couple -of neighbours and their wives; and we will have a capon in stewed broth, -with marrow, and a good piece of beef, stuck with rosemary. - -_Enter_ JASPER, _with his face mealed_. - -_Jasp._ Forbear thy pains, fond man, it is too late. - -_Merch._ Heav'n bless me! Jasper! - - _Jasp._ Ay, I am his ghost, - Whom thou hast injur'd for his constant love: - Fond worldly wretch, who dost not understand - In death that true hearts cannot parted be. - First know, thy daughter is quite borne away - On wings of angels, through the liquid air - Too far out of thy reach, and never more - Shalt thou behold her face: but she and I - Will in another world enjoy our loves, - Where neither father's anger, poverty, - Nor any cross that troubles earthly men, - Shall make us sever our united hearts. - And never shalt thou sit, or be alone - In any place, but I will visit thee - With ghastly looks, and put into thy mind - The great offences which thou didst to me. - When thou art at thy table with thy friends, - Merry in heart, and fill'd with swelling wine, - I'll come in midst of all thy pride and mirth, - Invisible to all men but thyself, - And whisper such a sad tale in thine ear, - Shall make thee let the cup fall from thy hand, - And stand as mute and pale as death itself. - - _Merch._ Forgive me, Jasper! Oh! what might I do, - Tell me, to satisfy thy troubled ghost? - - _Jasp._ There is no means, too late thou think'st on this. - - _Merch._ But tell me what were best for me to do? - - _Jasp._ Repent thy deed, and satisfy my father, - And beat fond Humphrey out of thy doors. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY. - - _Wife._ Look, George, his very ghost would have folks beaten. - - _Humph._ Father, my bride is gone, fair Mistress Luce. - My soul's the font of vengeance, mischief's sluice. - - _Merch._ Hence, fool, out of my sight, with thy fond passion - Thou hast undone me. - - _Humph._ Hold, my father dear, - For Luce thy daughter's sake, that had no peer. - - _Merch._ Thy father, fool? There's some blows more, begone. - [_Beats him._ - - Jasper, I hope thy ghost be well appeased - To see thy will perform'd; now will I go - To satisfy thy father for thy wrongs. [_Exit._ - - _Humph._ What shall I do? I have been beaten twice, - And Mistress Luce is gone. Help me, device: - Since my true love is gone, I never more, - Whilst I do live, upon the sky will pore; - But in the dark will wear out my shoe-soles - In passion, in Saint Faith's Church under Paul's. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ George, call Ralph hither; if you love me, call Ralph hither. I -have the bravest thing for him to do, George; prithee call him quickly. - -_Cit._ Ralph, why Ralph, boy! - -_Enter_ RALPH. - -_Ralph._ Here, sir. - -_Cit._ Come hither, Ralph, come to thy mistress, boy. - -_Wife._ Ralph, I would have thee call all the youths together in -battle-ray, with drums, and guns, and flags, and march to Mile End in -pompous fashion, and there exhort your soldiers to be merry and wise, -and to keep their beards from burning, Ralph; and then skirmish, and let -your flags fly, and cry, Kill, kill, kill! My husband shall lend you his -jerkin, Ralph, and there's a scarf; for the rest, the house shall furnish -you, and we'll pay for't: do it bravely, Ralph, and think before whom you -perform, and what person you represent. - -_Ralph._ I warrant you, mistress, if I do it not, for the honour of the -city, and the credit of my master, let me never hope for freedom. - -_Wife._ 'Tis well spoken i'faith; go thy ways, thou art a spark indeed. - -_Cit._ Ralph, double your files bravely, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ I warrant you, sir. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Cit._ Let him look narrowly to his service, I shall take him else; I was -there myself a pike-man once, in the hottest of the day, wench; had my -feather shot sheer away, the fringe of my pike burnt off with powder, my -pate broken with a scouring-stick, and yet I thank God I am here. [_Drum -within._ - -_Wife._ Hark, George, the drums! - -_Cit._ Ran, tan, tan, tan, ran tan. Oh, wench, an' thou hadst but seen -little Ned of Aldgate, drum Ned, how he made it roar again, and laid on -like a tyrant, and then struck softly till the Ward came up, and then -thundered again, and together we go: "Sa, sa, sa," bounce quoth the guns; -"Courage, my hearts," quoth the captains; "Saint George," quoth the -pike-men; and withal here they lay, and there they lay; and yet for all -this I am here, wench. - -_Wife._ Be thankful for it, George, for indeed 'tis wonderful. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and his Company, with drums and colours_. - -_Ralph._ March fair, my hearts; lieutenant, beat the rear up; ancient, -let your colours fly; but have a great care of the butchers' hooks at -Whitechapel, they have been the death of many a fair ancient. Open -your files, that I may take a view both of your persons and munition. -Sergeant, call a muster. - -_Serg._ A stand. William Hamerton, pewterer. - -_Ham._ Here, Captain. - -_Ralph._ A croslet and a Spanish pike; 'tis well, can you shake it with -a terror? - -_Ham._ I hope so, captain. - -_Ralph._ Charge upon me--'tis with the weakest. Put more strength, -William Hamerton, more strength. As you were again; proceed, sergeant. - -_Serg._ George Green-goose, poulterer. - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ Let me see your piece, neighbour Green-goose. When was she shot -in? - -_Green._ An' like you, master captain, I made a shot even now, partly to -scour her, and partly for audacity. - -_Ralph._ It should seem so, certainly, for her breath is yet inflamed; -besides, there is a main fault in the touch-hole, it stinketh. And I -tell you, moreover, and believe it, ten such touch-holes would poison -the army; get you a feather, neighbour, get you a feather, sweet oil and -paper, and your piece may do well enough yet. Where's your powder? - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ What, in a paper? As I am a soldier and a gentleman, it craves -a martial court: you ought to die for't. Where's your horn? Answer me to -that. - -_Green._ An't like you, sir, I was oblivious. - -_Ralph._ It likes me not it should be so; 'tis a shame for you, and a -scandal to all our neighbours, being a man of worth and estimation, to -leave your horn behind you: I am afraid 'twill breed example. But let me -tell you no more on't; stand till I view you all. What's become o' th' -nose of your flask? - -_1st Sold._ Indeed, la' captain, 'twas blown away with powder. - -_Ralph._ Put on a new one at the city's charge. Where's the flint of this -piece? - -_2nd Sold._ The drummer took it out to light tobacco. - -_Ralph._ 'Tis a fault, my friend; put it in again. You want a nose, and -you a flint; sergeant, take a note on't, for I mean to stop it in their -pay. Remove and march; soft and fair, gentlemen, soft and fair: double -your files; as you were; faces about. Now you with the sodden face, keep -in there: look to your match, sirrah, it will be in your fellow's flask -anon. So make a crescent now, advance your pikes, stand and give ear. -Gentlemen, countrymen, friends, and my fellow-soldiers, I have brought -you this day from the shop of security and the counters of content, to -measure out in these furious fields honour by the ell and prowess by the -pound. Let it not, O let it not, I say, be told hereafter, the noble -issue of this city fainted; but bear yourselves in this fair action like -men, valiant men, and free men. Fear not the face of the enemy, nor -the noise of the guns; for believe me, brethren, the rude rumbling of -a brewer's car is more terrible, of which you have a daily experience: -neither let the stink of powder offend you, since a more valiant stink is -always with you. To a resolved mind his home is everywhere. I speak not -this to take away the hope of your return; for you shall see (I do not -doubt it), and that very shortly, your loving wives again, and your sweet -children, whose care doth bear you company in baskets. Remember, then, -whose cause you have in hand, and like a sort of true-born scavengers, -scour me this famous realm of enemies. I have no more to say but this: -Stand to your tacklings, lads, and show to the world you can as well -brandish a sword as shake an apron. Saint George, and on, my hearts! - - _Omnes._ Saint George, Saint George! [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ 'Twas well done, Ralph; I'll send thee a cold capon a field, and -a bottle of March beer; and, it may be, come myself to see thee. - -_Cit._ Nell, the boy hath deceived me much; I did not think it had been -in him. He has perform'd such a matter, wench, that, if I live, next year -I'll have him Captain of the Gallifoist, or I'll want my will. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Old Mer._ Yet, I thank God, I break not a wrinkle more than I had; not a -stoop, boys. Care, live with cats, I defy thee! My heart is as sound as -an oak; and tho' I want drink to wet my whistle, I can sing, - - "Come no more there, boys; come no more there: - For we shall never, whilst we live, come any more there." - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a coffin_. - -_Boy._ God save you, sir. - -_Old Mer._ It's a brave boy. Canst thou sing? - -_Boy._ Yes, sir, I can sing, but 'tis not so necessary at this time. - - _Old Mer._ "Sing we, and chaunt it, - Whilst love doth grant it." - -_Boy._ Sir, sir, if you knew what I have brought you, you would have -little list to sing. - - _Old Mer._ "Oh, the Mimon round, - Full long I have thee sought, - And now I have thee found, - And what hast thou here brought?" - - _Boy._ A coffin, sir, and your dead son Jasper in it. - - _Old Mer._ Dead! - - "Why farewell he: - Thou wast a bonny boy, - And I did love thee." - -_Enter_ JASPER. - -_Jasp._ Then I pray you, sir, do so still. - - _Old Mer._ Jasper's ghost! - - "Thou art welcome from Stygian-lake so soon, - Declare to me what wondrous things - In Pluto's Court are done." - -_Jasp._ By my troth, sir, I ne'er came there, 'tis too hot for me, sir. - -_Old Mer._ A merry ghost, a very merry ghost. - -"And where is your true love? Oh, where is yours?" - - _Jasp._ Marry look you, sir. [_Heaves up the coffin._ - - _Old Mer._ Ah ha! Art thou good at that i'faith? - "With hey trixie terlerie-whiskin, - The world it runs on wheels; - When the young man's frisking - Up goes the maiden's heels." - - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL _within_. - - _Mist. Mer._ What, Mr. Merry-thought, will you not let's in? - What do you think shall become of us? - -_Old Mer._ What voice is that that calleth at our door? - -_Mist. Mer._ You know me well enough, I am sure I have not been such a -stranger to you. - - _Old Mer._ "And some they whistled, and some they sung, - Hey down, down: - And some did loudly say, - Ever as the Lord Barnet's horn blew, - Away, Musgrave, away." - -_Mist. Mer._ You will not have us starve here, will you, Master -Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ Nay, good sir, be persuaded, she is my mother. If her offences -have been great against you, let your own love remember she is yours, and -so forgive her. - -_Luce._ Good Master Merry-thought, let me entreat you, I will not be -denied. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, will you be a vext thing still? - -_Old Mer._ Woman, I take you to my love again, but you shall sing before -you enter; therefore despatch your song, and so come in. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, you must have your will when all's done. Michael, what -song canst thou sing, boy? - -_Mich._ I can sing none forsooth but "A Lady's Daughter of Paris," -properly. - - _Mist. Mer._ [song.] "It was a lady's daughter," &c. - - _Old Mer._ Come, you're welcome home again. - "If such danger be in playing, - And jest must to earnest turn, - You shall go no more a-maying"---- - -_Merch._ [within.] Are you within, Sir Master Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ It is my master's voice, good sir; go hold him in talk whilst we -convey ourselves into some inward room. - -_Old Mer._ What are you? Are you merry? You must be very merry if you -enter. - -_Merch._ I am, sir. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, then. - -_Merch._ Nay, good sir, open to me. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, I say, or by the merry heart you come not in. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, I'll sing. - "Fortune my foe," &c. - -_Old Mer._ You are welcome, sir, you are welcome: you see your -entertainment, pray you be merry. - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought, I'm come to ask you - Forgiveness for the wrongs I offered you, - And your most virtuous son; they're infinite, - Yet my contrition shall be more than they. - I do confess my hardness broke his heart, - For which just Heav'n hath given me punishment - More than my age can carry; his wand'ring sprite, - Not yet at rest, pursues me everywhere, - Crying, I'll haunt thee for thy cruelty. - My daughter she is gone, I know not how. - Taken invisible, and whether living, - Or in grave, 'tis yet uncertain to me. - Oh, Master Merry-thought, these are the weights - Will sink me to my grave. Forgive me, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Why, sir, I do forgive you, and be merry. - And if the wag in's lifetime play'd the knave, - Can you forgive him too? - - _Merch._ With all my heart, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Speak it again, and heartily. - - _Merch._ I do, sir. - Now by my soul I do. - - _Old Mer._ "With that came out his paramour, - She was as white as the lily flower, - Hey troul, troly loly. - With that came out her own dear knight, - He was as true as ever did fight," &c. - -_Enter_ LUCE _and_ JASPER. - -Sir, if you will forgive 'em, clap their hands together, there's no more -to be said i' th' matter. - -_Merch._ I do, I do! - -_Cit._ I do not like this. Peace, boys, hear me one of you, everybody's -part is come to an end but Ralph's, and he's left out. - -_Boy._ 'Tis long of yourself, sir, we have nothing to do with his part. - -_Cit._ Ralph, come away, make on him as you have done of the rest, boys, -come. - -_Wife_. Now, good husband, let him come out and die. - -_Cit._ He shall, Nell; Ralph, come away quickly and die, boy. - -_Boy._ 'Twill be very unfit he should die, sir, upon no occasion, and in -a comedy too. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for that, Sir Boy; is not his part at an end, -think you, when he's dead? Come away, Ralph. - -_Enter_ RALPH _with a forked arrow through his head._ - - _Ralph._ When I was mortal, this my costive corps - Did lap up figs and raisins in the Strand, - Where sitting, I espy'd a lovely dame, - Whose master wrought with lingel and with awl, - And underground he vampéd many a boot. - Straight did her love prick forth me, tender sprig, - To follow feats of arms in warlike wise, - Through Waltham Desert; where I did perform - Many achievements, and did lay on ground - Huge Barbaroso, that insulting giant, - And all his captives soon set at liberty. - Then honour prick'd me from my native soil - Into Moldavia, where I gain'd the love - Of Pompiana, his beloved daughter; - But yet prov'd constant to the black-thumbed maid - Susan, and scornéd Pompiana's love. - Yet liberal I was, and gave her pins, - And money for her father's officers. - I then returnéd home, and thrust myself - In action, and by all men chosen was - The Lord of May, where I did flourish it, - With scarfs and rings, and posie in my hand. - After this action I preferréd was, - And chosen City Captain at Mile End, - With hat and feather, and with leading staff, - And train'd my men, and brought them all off clean, - Save one man that berayed him with the noise. - But all these things I, Ralph, did undertake, - Only for my belovéd Susan's sake. - Then coming home, and sitting in my shop - With apron blue, Death came unto my stall - To cheapen aquavitæ, but ere I - Could take the bottle down, and fill a taste, - Death caught a pound of pepper in his hand, - And sprinkled all my face and body o'er, - And in an instant vanishéd away. - - _Cit._ 'Tis a pretty fiction, i'faith. - - _Ralph._ Then took I up my bow and shaft in hand, - And walkéd in Moorfields to cool myself, - But there grim cruel Death met me again, - And shot his forkéd arrow through my head. - And now I faint; therefore be warn'd by me, - My fellows every one, of forkéd heads. - Farewell, all you good boys in merry London, - Ne'er shall we more upon Shrove Tuesday meet, - And pluck down houses of iniquity. - My pain increaseth: I shall never more - When clubs are cried be brisk upon my legs, - Nor daub a satin gown with rotten eggs. - Set up a stake, oh never more I shall; - I die! Fly, fly, my soul, to Grocers Hall! Oh, oh, oh, &c. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph, do your obeisance to the gentlemen, and go your -ways. Well said, Ralph. - - [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Old Mer._ Methinks all we, thus kindly and unexpectedly reconciled, -should not part without a song. - -_Merch._ A good motion. - -_Old Mer._ Strike up, then. - -SONG. - - Better music ne'er was known, - Than a quire of hearts in one. - Let each other, that hath been - Troubled with the gall or spleen, - Learn of us to keep his brow - Smooth and plain, as yours are now. - Sing though before the hour of dying, - He shall rise, and then be crying - Heyho, 'tis nought but mirth - That keeps the body from the earth. [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUS. - -_Cit._ Come, Nell, shall we go? The play's done. - -_Wife._ Nay, by my faith, George, I have more manners than so, I'll speak -to these gentlemen first. I thank you all, gentlemen, for your patience -and countenance to Ralph, a poor fatherless child, and if I may see you -at my house, it should go hard but I would have a pottle of wine, and a -pipe of tobacco for you, for truly I hope you like the youth, but I would -be glad to know the truth. I refer it to your own discretions, whether -you will applaud him or no, for I will wink, and whilst, you shall do -what you will.--I thank you with all my heart: God give you good night. -Come, George. - - - - -THE REHEARSAL. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - BAYES. - JOHNSON. - SMITH. - _Two Kings of Brentford_. - PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - _Gentleman-Usher_. - _Physician_. - DRAWCANSIR. - _General_. - _Lieutenant-General_. - CORDELIO. - TOM THIMBLE. - _Fisherman_. - _Sun_. - _Thunder_. - _Players_. - _Soldiers_. - _Two Heralds_. - _Four Cardinals_. } - _Mayor_. } Mutes - _Judges_ } - _Serjeant-at-Arms_. } - AMARYLLIS. - CLORIS. - PARTHENOPE. - PALLAS. - _Lightning_. - _Moon_. - _Earth_. - Attendants of Men and Women. - - SCENE.--BRENTFORD. - - -PROLOGUE. - - We might well call this short mock-play of ours, - A posy made of weeds instead of flowers; - Yet such have been presented to your noses, - And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses. - Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night, - What stuff it is in which they took delight. - Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall - Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all. - There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train, - Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein. - For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ - In spite of reason, nature, art and wit) - Our poets make us laugh at tragedy, - And with their comedies they make us cry. - Now critics, do your worst, that here are met; - For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet. - If you approve, I shall assume the state - Of those high-flyers whom I imitate: - And justly too, for I will teach you more - Than ever they would let you know before. - I will not only show the feats they do, - But give you all their reasons for 'em too. - Some honour may to me from hence arise; - But if, by my endeavours you grow wise, - And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise; - Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage, - 'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -JOHNSON _and_ SMITH. - -_Johns._ Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long -hast thou been in town? - -_Smith._ Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I -had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the -strange new things we have heard in the country. - -_Johns._ And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all -the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here. - -_Smith._ Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, -what are our men of business doing? - -_Johns._ I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another -way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as -I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, -who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are -always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought -men of business. - -_Smith._ Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the -dullest of men. - -_Johns._ Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, -and your gravest beast is an ass. - -_Smith._ Well: but how dost thou pass thy time? - -_Johns._ Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend -to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are -such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost -made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid -nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime. - -_Smith._ I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and -our country wits commend 'em. - -_Johns._ Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new -kind of wits. - -_Smith._ New kind! what kind is that? - -_Johns._ Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows -that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and -surprise. - -_Smith._ Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of -that. - -_Johns._ Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand -that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their -no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; -'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, -crying; and everything, but thinking and sense. - -MR. BAYES _passes over the stage_. - -_Bayes._ Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir. - -_Johns._ Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you. - -_Smith._ No, prithee let him alone. - -_Johns._ Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him. [_Goes after him._ Here he is; -I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to -this friend of mine? - -_Bayes._ Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, but -receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the honourable title -you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this--sweet sir, your servant. - -_Smith._ Your humble servant, sir. - -_Johns._ But wilt thou do me a favour, now? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, what is't? - -_Johns._ Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play. - -_Bayes._ How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot? - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; anything. - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have -a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been -blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I -say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. -In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and -pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1] This morning is -its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; -and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its -virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be ashamed to -discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket. [_Puts his -hand in his pocket._ - -_Johns._ Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; -but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my -friend will do so too. - -_Smith._ Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from -your company. - -_Bayes._ Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama -Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays. - -_Johns._ Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it -convenient to make use of. - -_Smith._ How, sir, helps for wit? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet -the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, -except it were by the help of these my rules.[2] - -_Johns._ What are those rules, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula -Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse, _alternativè_ as -you please. - -_Smith._ Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in -my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any -wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if -it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it -be verse, put it into prose. - -_Johns._ Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be -called transprosing. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it -shall be so. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then? - -_Bayes._ Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next -rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe. - -_Johns._ We hear you, sir; go on. - -_Bayes._ As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where -witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon -as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making -you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these -things. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one -rule for invention? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket. - -_Smith._ What rule can that be, I wonder? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my -head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, -and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's -Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the -rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving -out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit -as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my -rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the -effects. - -_Smith._ We'll follow you, sir. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter three_ PLAYERS _on the stage_. - -_1st Play._ Have you your part perfect? - -_2nd Play._ Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is -to be spoken. - -_3rd Play._ And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what -humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I -don't know what to make on't. - -_1st Play._ Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us -all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things -please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, -the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for -to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end -of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new -matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all -that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are -essential to a play. - -_2nd Play._ Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no -great matter. - -_Enter_ BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.--a--. Ha' you -your part ready? - -_1st Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ But do you understand the true humour of it? - -_1st Play._ Ay, sir, pretty well. - -_Bayes._ And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her? - -_3rd Play._ Oh, admirably! - -_Bayes._ I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make -'em call her anon, in this play? - -_Smith._ What, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, -ha, ha! - -_Johns._ That will be very well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but--a--come, let's sit down. -Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole -plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several -accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the -grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same -place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now -the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, -the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among -themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves -equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; -though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well -understood.) - -_Johns._ I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again. - -_Bayes._ Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in -taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of -the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, -and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their -own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a--you -understand me--upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, -heart-burnings, and all that--in fine, you'll apprehend it better when -you see it. - - [_Exit, to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if -they can make any sense out of this. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. -I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for -either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the -prologue;[3] (do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any -other play as well as this. - -_Smith._ Very well; that's indeed artificial. - -_Bayes._ And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would -do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but -two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by -insinuation, good language, and all that, to--a--in a manner, steal your -plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of -some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring -persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being -too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I -come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a -furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out -of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, -and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping--a-- - -_Smith._ Ay, but suppose they don't. - -_Bayes._ Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing -to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, -sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!--ha, ha, ha! [_Walks away._ - -_Johns._ Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow -newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, -here, of the town. - -_Bayes._ If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd -the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar -friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and -they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it. - -_Bayes._ I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, -for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, -I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot -into the boxes;[4] and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my -friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the -rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your -suppose? Ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss. - -_Bayes._ I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the -prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, -you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; -for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of -persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so -many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and -censure things that, egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. -A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, -and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5] that, egad, -to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons -that do as much despise all that as--a-- In fine, I'll say no more of 'em. - -_Johns._ Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure -more than they'll e'er be able to answer. - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely and _bonâ fide_, were it not -for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that -have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would -e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates. - -_Johns._ Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if -I were in your place, now, I would do so. - -_Bayes._ No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be -disengag'd from;[6] otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my -hangman? - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, I should like him very well. - -_Bayes._ By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would -you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue? - -_Johns._ Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both. - -_Bayes._ No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another. - -_Johns._ What other, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning. - -_Johns._ That's greater; I'd rather stick to that. - -_Bayes._ Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many -witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is a _non -pareillo_: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make -my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to -oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all -that; so, in this, by the other way, _in terrorem_, I choose for the -persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit? - -_Johns._ Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before -they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock. - -_Bayes._ I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the -whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it. - -_Smith._ Let's hear it, I pray you. - - _Bayes._ 'Tis an allusion to love. - [7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh, - Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky; - Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves, - And there consummate their unfinish'd loves: - Pensive in mud they wallow all alone, - And snore and gruntle to each other's moan." - - How do you like it now, ha? - -_Johns._ Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder -and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank -you; and I'll put it in _profecto_. Come out, Thunder and Lightning. - -_Enter_ THUNDER _and_ LIGHTNING. - -_Thun._ I am the bold Thunder. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a -hoarse voice. I am the bold _Thunder_: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that -thunders it out indeed: I am the bold _Thunder_. - - _Thun._ I am the bold _Thunder_.[8] - - _Light._ The brisk Lightning, I. - - _Bayes._ Nay, you must be quick and nimble. - The brisk _Lightning_, I. That's my meaning. - - _Thun._ I am the bravest Hector of the sky. - - _Light._ And I fair Helen, that made Hector die. - - _Thun._ I strike men down. - - _Light._ I fire the town. - - _Thun._ Let critics take heed how they grumble, - For then begin I for to rumble. - - _Light._ Let the ladies allow us their graces, - Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces, - And dry up their petre to soot. - - _Thun._ Let the critics look to't. - - _Light._ Let the ladies look to't.[9] - - _Thun._ For Thunder will do't. - - _Light._ For Lightning will shoot. - - _Thun._ I'll give you dash for dash. - - _Light._ I'll give you flash for flash. - Gallants, I'll singe your feather. - - _Thun._ I'll thunder you together. - -_Both._ Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't, we'll -do't. - - [_Twice or thrice repeated._ - [_Exeunt ambo._ - -_Bayes._ There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll. - -_Smith._ Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible. - -_Bayes._ Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad. Come, -come, begin the play. - -_Enter_ FIRST PLAYER. - -_1st Play._ Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, -he's but two doors off.[10] - -_Bayes._ Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done -before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the -plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11] - -_Smith._ Umph! very new indeed. - -_Bayes._ Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Phys._ Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher -of this sumptuous place. - -_Ush._ And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect you rule -the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician. - -_Phys._ You hit my function right. - -_Ush._ And you mine. - -_Phys._ Then let's embrace. - -_Ush._ Come. - -_Phys._ Come. - -_Johns._ Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of -Brentford. - -_Johns._ But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another -no better? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot. - -_Johns._ Very well. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude. - -_Smith._ What, before he begins? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty -while without. - -_Smith._ Where? in the tyring-room? - -_Bayes._ Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted -the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, -like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are -grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings -on the people. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good? - -_Johns._ Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable. - - _Phys._ But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo - should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you - then perhaps would find that---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now he whispers. - - _Ush._ Alone do you say? - - _Phys._ No, attended with the noble---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Again. - - _Ush._ Who, he in grey? - - _Phys._ Yes, and at the head of---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Pray mark. - - _Ush._ Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear, - These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't; - First, he---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now the other whispers. - - _Ush._ Secondly, they---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ At it still. - - _Ush._ Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they---- [_Whispers._ - -_Bayes._ Now they both whisper. [_Exeunt whispering._ Now, gentlemen, -pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning -of a play? - -_Johns._ In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same -place? - -_Bayes._ Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your -Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for -fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I. - -_Smith._ But what think you of Sir John Suckling? - -_Bayes._ By gad, I am a better poet than he. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because -they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be -divulg'd. - -_Smith._ But then, sir, why---- - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the -fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed. - -[_Goes to the door._ - -_Johns._ How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee? - -_Smith._ Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all -that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what -moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach. - -_Johns._ It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12] has informed me of this -play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene -here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever -been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls -good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably -dull, and not one word to the purpose. - -_Smith._ It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much. - -_Johns._ Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play -or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with -this new kind of foppery. - -_Smith._ Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a -fool to be laugh'd at. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Johns._ I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; -tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper -well. - -_Bayes._ Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, -you'll find it so. - -_Johns._ Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I -assure you, has written a great many fine things already. - -_Bayes._ Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you -write? - -_Smith._ Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health. - -_Bayes._ Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write? - -_Smith._ I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down. - -_Bayes._ Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing -is, with what do you prepare yourself? - -_Smith._ Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean? - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar -things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes -only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and -let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery -flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you -must purge the stomach. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the -best I have. - -_Smith._ In good faith, sir, and that may very well be. - -_Bayes._ May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: _Experto crede Roberto._ But I -must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13] -when you write. - -_Smith._ Why so, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in -all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to -help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ KINGS, _hand in hand_. - -_Bayes._ Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of -their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could -make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so. - -_1st King._ Did you observe their whispers, brother king? - - _2nd King._ I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing, - That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks. - -_Bayes._ This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same -quality. - -_Smith._ S'death, this would make a man sick. - - _1st King._ If that design appears, - I'll lug them by the ears, - Until I make 'em crack. - -_2nd King._ And so will I, i'fack. - -_1st King._ You must begin, _Ma foy_. - -_2nd King._ Sweet sir, _Pardonnez moy_. - -_Bayes._ Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding. - -_Johns._ Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine! - - _2nd King._ Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand, - And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand. - [_Exeunt Reges._ - -_Johns._ This is a majestic scene indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: -I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; -egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It -was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very -same style; it was never acted yet. - -_Johns._ How so? - -_Bayes._ Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so -pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ What is't? - -_Bayes._ Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ That's impossible! - -_Bayes._ Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Fie, that was rude. - -_Bayes._ Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and -all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. -I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of -things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent -rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again. - -_Johns._ Strange fellows indeed! - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this -whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it. - -_Bayes._ No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two -kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the -door, just as the other went off. - -_Smith._ That indeed would have done it. - -_Bayes._ Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best -things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have -been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that -I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the -nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman -comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know -was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, -a knight.[14] - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - - _Pret._ How strange a captive am I grown of late! - Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate! - My love, I cannot; that is too divine: - And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15] - -_Enter_ CHLORIS. - - But here she comes. - Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not! [_Lies down._ - - _Bayes._ Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine! - - _Pret._ But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the - rest. [_Sleeps._ - -_Bayes._ Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the nick? -his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all that, and swop -he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must make a simile. - -_Smith._ Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever -make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing. - - _Cloris._[16] As some tall pine, which we on Ætna find - T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind, - Feeling without that flames within do play, - Which would consume his root and sap away; - He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies, - Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies: - So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears. - Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears. - [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too. - -_Bayes._ No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, -and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But -I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ -it, I wept myself. - -_Smith._ No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am -likelier to fall asleep. - -PRINCE PRETTYMAN _starts up, and says_-- - - _Pret._ It is resolved! [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ That's all. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, -and you not be angry? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to -gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say -that, sir. - -_Smith._ Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in -his sleep? - -_Bayes._ Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one -that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, -sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo -secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you -mark me?)--a-- - -_Smith._ Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all? - -_Bayes._ I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, -egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for -Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe -it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill -argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two -grand, sober, governing persons. - - -SCENE IV. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Ush._ Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads -together. - -_Phys._ Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but -when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in -my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith. - -_Bayes._ I do just so, egad, always. - -_Ush._ The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I -divide thus. - -_Phys._ Yes, it must be divided so indeed. - -_Smith._ That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another -man's opinion, before he knows what it is. - -_Bayes._ Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you. - -_Ush._ I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and -whether they heard or no. - -_Johns._ Most admirably divided, I swear! - -_Ush._ As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as -for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what -we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last -question, _videlicet_, whether they heard or no. - -_Smith._ This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians. - -_Ush._ Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question. - -_Phys._ No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you. - -_Ush._ Your will must be a law. - -_Phys._ Come, then, what is't I must ask? - -_Smith._ This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short -memory. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, -and this is but his pupil. - -_Ush._ You must ask me whether they heard us whisper. - -_Phys._ Well, I do so. - -_Ush._ Say it then. - -_Smith._ Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw. - -_Johns._ This is mighty methodical. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other -way, egad, in business. - -_Phys._ Did they hear us whisper? - -_Ush._ Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word -whisper: to whisper in Latin is _susurrare_, which is as much as to -say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us -whisper; but then comes in the _quomodo_, the _how_; how did they hear -us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or -accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper. - -_Phys._ Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more. - -_Ush._ Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the -latter end of the play. - -_Smith._ I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. -Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, -to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business. - -_Johns._ You have done it exceeding well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think this will do. - -_Phys._ Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody -else will take us. - -_Smith._ Not for politicians, I dare answer for it. - - _Phys._ Let's then no more ourselves in vain bemoan: - We are not safe until we them unthrone. - - _Ush._ 'Tis right: - And, since occasion now seems debonair, - I'll seize on this, and you shall take that chair. - -[_They draw their swords, and sit in the two great chairs upon the stage._ - -_Bayes._ There's now an odd surprise; the whole state's turned quite -topsy-turvy, without any pother or stir in the whole world, egad.[17] - -_Johns._ A very silent change of government, truly, as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ It is so. And yet you shall see me bring 'em in again, -by-and-by, in as odd a way every jot. - -[_The Usurpers march out, flourishing their swords._ - -_Enter_ SHIRLY. - - _Shir._ Heyho! heyho! what a change is here! heyday, heyday! - I know not what to do, nor what to say.[18] [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, in my opinion, now, that gentleman might have said -a little more upon this occasion. - -_Bayes._ No, sir, not at all; for I underwrit his part on purpose to set -off the rest. - -_Johns._ Cry you mercy, sir. - -_Smith._ But pray, sir, how came they to depose the kings so easily? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, they long had a design to do it before; -but never could put it in practice till now: and to tell you true, that's -one reason why I made 'em whisper so at first. - -_Smith._ Oh, very well; now I'm fully satisfied. - -_Bayes._ And then to show you, sir, it was not done so very easily -neither, in the next scene you shall see some fighting. - -_Smith._ Oh, oh; so then you make the struggle to be after the business -is done? - -_Bayes._ Ay. - -_Smith._ Oh, I conceive you: that, I swear, is very natural. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter four Men at one door, and four at another, with their swords -drawn._ - -_1st Sold._ Stand. Who goes there? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend. - -_1st Sold._ What friend? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend to the house. - - _1st Sold._ Fall on! [_They all kill one another._ - [_Music strikes._ - - _Bayes._ Hold, hold. [_To the music. It ceases._ - Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see - rise up presently, at a certain note that I have, in _effaut flat_, - and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? remember your - note in _effaut flat_. - Play on. [_To the music._ - Now, now, now! [_The music plays his note, and the dead men - rise; but cannot get in order._ - O Lord! O Lord! Out, out, out! did ever men spoil a good - thing so! no figure, no ear, no time, nothing. Udzookers, you - dance worse than the angels in "Harry the Eighth," or the fat - spirits in the "Tempest," egad. - -_1st Sold._ Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to this -tune. - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if there be any -faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two whole nights in -composing this air, and apting it for the business; for, if you observe, -there are two several designs in this tune: it begins swift, and ends -slow. You talk of time, and time; you shall see me do it. Look you, now: -here I am dead. - - [_Lies down flat upon his face._ - - Now mark my note _effaut flat_. Strike up, music. - Now. [_As he rises up hastily, he falls down again._ - Ah, gadzookers! I have broke my nose. - -_Johns._ By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate note of -yours, in _effaut_. - -_Bayes._ A plague on this old stage, with your nails, and your -tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to act, but he -must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and all. Pray, sir, can -you help me to a wet piece of brown paper? - -_Smith._ No, indeed, sir, I don't usually carry any about me. - -_2nd Sold._ Sir, I'll go get you some within presently. - -_Bayes._ Go, go, then; I follow you. Pray dance out the dance, and I'll -be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like horse-men. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - - _Smith._ Like horse-men! what a plague can that be? - - _They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it._ - - _1st Sold._ A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance - that Mr. Bayes found fault with so. [_Dance, and Exeunt._ - - _Smith._ What can this fool be doing all this while about his - nose? - - _Johns._ Prithee let's go see. [_Exeunt._ - - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -BAYES _with a paper on his nose_, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, this I do, because my fancy, in this play, is, to end -every act with a dance. - -_Smith._ Faith, that fancy is very good; but I should hardly have broke -my nose for it, tho'. - -_Johns._ That fancy I suppose is new too. - -_Bayes._ Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's heels; but -make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. Now, here comes in a -scene of sheer wit, without any mixture in the whole world, egad! between -Prince Prettyman and his tailor: it might properly enough be call'd a -prize of wit; for you shall see them come in one upon another snip-snap, -hit for hit, as fast as can be. First, one speaks, then presently -t'other's upon him, slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash -with a new conceit; and so eternally, eternally, egad, till they go quite -off the stage. [_Goes to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ What a plague does this fop mean, by his snip snap, hit for hit, -and dash! - -_Johns._ Mean! why, he never meant anything in's life; what dost talk of -meaning for? - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Why don't you come in? - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ TOM THIMBLE.[19] - -This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted, for 'tis -as full of drollery as ever it can hold. 'Tis like an orange stuff'd with -cloves, as for conceit. - -_Pret._ But prithee, Tom Thimble, why wilt thou needs marry? if nine -tailors make but one man, what work art thou cutting out here for -thyself, trow? - -_Bayes._ Good. - -_Thim._ Why, an't please your highness, if I can't make up all the work -I cut out, I shan't want journeymen enow to help me, I warrant you. - -_Bayes._ Good again. - -_Pret._ I am afraid thy journeymen, tho', Tom, won't work by the day. - -_Bayes._ Good still. - -_Thim._ However, if my wife sits but as I do, there will be no -great danger: not half so much as when I trusted you, sir, for your -coronation-suit. - -_Bayes._ Very good, i'faith. - -_Pret._ Why the times then liv'd upon trust; it was the fashion. You -would not be out of time, at such a time as that, sure: a tailor, you -know, must never be out of fashion. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Thim._ I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the court-fashion, for you -never paid me yet. - -_Bayes._ There's a bob for the court.[20] - -_Pret._ Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when thou art angry, I see: thou -pay'st me now, methinks. - -_Bayes._ There's pay upon pay! as good as ever was written, egad! - -_Thim._ Ay, sir, in your own coin; you give me nothing but words.[21] - -_Bayes._ Admirable! - -_Pret._ Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have another coin for thee; for -now the wars are coming on, I shall grow to be a man of metal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, you did not do that half enough. - -_Johns._ Methinks he does it admirably. - -_Bayes._ Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't: he does not top -his part.[22] - -_Thim._ That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, sir. I shall see you come -home, like an angel for the king's evil, with a hole bor'd thro' you. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Ha, there he has hit it up to the hilts, egad! How do you like -it now, gentlemen? is not this pure wit? - -_Smith._ 'Tis snip-snap, sir, as you say; but methinks not pleasant, nor -to the purpose; for the play does not go on. - -_Bayes._ Play does not go on! I don't know what you mean: why, is not -this part of the play? - -_Smith._ Yes; but the plot stands still. - -_Bayes._ Plot stand still! why, what a devil is the plot good for, but to -bring in fine things? - -_Smith._ Oh, I did not know that before. - -_Bayes._ No, I think you did not, nor many things more, that I am master -of. Now, sir, egad, this is the bane of all us writers; let us soar -but never so little above the common pitch, egad, all's spoil'd, for -the vulgar never understand it; they can never conceive you, sir, the -excellency of these things. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess; but you write on still for all -that! - -_Bayes._ Write on? Ay, egad, I warrant you. 'Tis not their talk shall -stop me; if they catch me at that lock, I'll give them leave to hang me. -As long as I know my things are good, what care I what they say? What, -are they gone without singing my last new song? 'sbud would it were in -their bellies. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, if I have any skill in these -matters, I vow to gad this song is peremptorily the very best that ever -yet was written: you must know it was made by Tom Thimble's first wife -after she was dead. - -_Smith._ How, sir, after she was dead? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what have you to say to that? - -_Johns._ Say? why nothing. He were a devil that had anything to say to -that. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Smith._ How did she come to die, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's no matter; by a fall: but here's the conceit, that -upon his knowing she was kill'd by an accident, he supposes, with a sigh, -that she died for love of him. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, that's well enough; let's hear it, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ 'Tis to the tune of "Farewell, fair Armida;" on seas, and in -battles, in bullets, and all that. - - -SONG.[23] - - In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be, - Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee: - My death's bruise pray think you gave me, tho' a fall - Did give it me more from the top of a wall: - For then if the moat on her mud would first lay, - And after before you my body convey: - The blue on my breast when you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, there's a true blue for me. - -Ha, rogues! when I am merry, I write these things as fast as hops, egad; -for, you must know, I am as pleasant a cavalier as ever you saw; I am, -i'faith. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how comes this song in here? for methinks there -is no great occasion for it. - -_Bayes._ Alack, sir, you know nothing; you must ever interlard your plays -with songs, ghosts, and dances, if you mean to--a-- - -_Johns._ Pit, box, and gallery,[24] Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark you, Mr. Johnson, you know -I don't flatter; egad, you have a great deal of wit. - -_Johns._ O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour. - -_Bayes._ Nay, nay, come, come, Mr. Johnson, i'faith this must not be said -amongst us that have it. I know you have wit, by the judgment you make -of this play; for that's the measure we go by: my play is my touchstone. -When a man tells me such a one is a person of parts: is he so? say I; -what do I do, but bring him presently to see this play: if he likes it, -I know what to think of him; if not, your most humble servant, sir; I'll -no more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I am _Clara voyant_, egad. Now -here we go on to our business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ USURPERS,[25] _hand in hand_. - - _Ush._ But what's become of Volscius the Great; - His presence has not grac'd our court of late. - - _Phys._ I fear some ill, from emulation sprung, - Has from us that illustrious hero wrung. - -_Bayes._ Is not that majestical? - -_Smith._ Yes, but who the devil is that Volscius? - -_Bayes._ Why, that's a prince I make in love with Parthenope. - -_Smith._ I thank you, sir. - -_Enter_ CORDELIO. - -_Cor._ My lieges, news from Volscius the prince. - -_Ush._ His news is welcome, whatsoe'er it be.[26] - -_Smith._ How, sir, do you mean whether it be good or bad? - -_Bayes._ Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience: gadzookers, you'll -spoil all my play. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to answer every impertinent -question you ask. - -_Smith._ Cry you mercy, sir. - - _Cor._ His highness, sirs, commanded me to tell you, - That the fair person whom you both do know, - Despairing of forgiveness for her fault, - In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt - Upon her precious life; but, by the care - Of standers-by, prevented was. - - _Smith._ Why, what stuff's here? - - _Cor._ At last, - Volscius the Great this dire resolve embrac'd: - His servants he into the country sent, - And he himself to Piccadilly went; - Where he's inform'd by letters that she's dead. - - _Ush._ Dead! is that possible? dead! - - _Phys._ O ye gods! [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ There's a smart expression of a passion: O ye gods! that's one -of my bold strokes, egad. - -_Smith._ Yes; but who's the fair person that's dead? - -_Bayes._ That you shall know anon, sir. - -_Smith._ Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough. - -_Bayes._ Perhaps you may find, too, by-and-by, for all this, that she's -not dead neither. - -_Smith._ Marry, that's good news indeed. I am glad of that with all my -heart. - -_Bayes._ Now here's the man brought in that is supposed to have kill'd -her. [_A great shout within._ - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ AMARYLLIS, _with a book in her hand, and attendants._ - -_Ama._ What shout triumphant's that? - -_Enter a_ SOLDIER. - -_Sold._ Shy maid, upon the river brink, near Twic'nam town, the false -assassinate is ta'en. - -_Ama._ Thanks to the powers above for this deliverance. I hope, - - Its slow beginning will portend - A forward exit to all future end. - -_Bayes._ Pish! there you are out; to all future end! no, no; to all -future END! You must lay the accent upon "end," or else you lose the -conceit. - -_Smith._ I see you are very perfect in these matters. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, one would think, to know -something. - -_Enter_ SOLDIERS, _dragging in an old_ FISHERMAN. - - _Ama._ Villain, what monster did corrupt thy mind - T' attack the noblest soul of human kind? - -Tell me who set thee on. - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to kill Prince Prettyman? - -_Fish._ No; Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Volscius hire you to kill Prince Volscius? - -_Fish._ No, Prince Prettyman. - - _Ama._ So drag him hence, - Till torture of the rack produce his sense. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Mark how I make the horror of his guilt confound his intellects; -for he's out at one and t'other: and that's the design of this scene. - -_Smith._ I see, sir, you have a several design for every scene. - -_Bayes._ Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, I can dispatch you a -whole play, before another man, egad, can make an end of his plot. - - -SCENE IV. - -So now enter Prince Prettyman in a rage. Where the devil is he? why, -Prettyman? why, where I say? O fie, fie, fie, fie! all's marr'd, I vow to -gad, quite marr'd. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN. - -Phoo, phoo! you are come too late, sir; now you may go out again, if you -please. I vow to gad, Mr.--a--I would not give a button for my play, now -you have done this. - -_Pret._ What, sir? - -_Bayes._ What, sir! why, sir, you should have come out in choler, rouse -upon the stage, just as the other went off. Must a man be eternally -telling you of these things? - -_Johns._ Sure this must be some very notable matter that he's so angry at. - -_Smith._ I am not of your opinion. - -_Bayes._ Pish! come let's hear your part, sir. - - _Pret._[27]Bring in my father: why d'ye keep him from me? - Altho' a fisherman, he is my father: - Was ever son yet brought to this distress, - To be, for being a son, made fatherless! - Ah! you just gods, rob me not of a father: - The being of a son take from me rather. [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ Well, Ned, what think you now? - -_Johns._ A devil, this is worst of all: Mr. Bayes, pray what's the -meaning of this scene? - -_Bayes._ O cry you mercy, sir: I protest I had forgot to tell you. Why, -sir, you must know, that long before the beginning of this play, this -prince was taken by a fisherman. - -_Smith._ How, sir, taken prisoner? - -_Bayes._ Taken prisoner! O Lord, what a question's there! did ever any -man ask such a questions? Plague on him, he has put the plot quite out of -my head with this--this--question! what was I going to say? - -_Johns._ Nay, Heaven knows: I cannot imagine. - -_Bayes._ Stay, let me see: taken! O 'tis true. Why, sir, as I was going -to say, his highness here, the prince, was taken in a cradle by a -fisherman, and brought up as his child! - -_Smith._ Indeed! - -_Bayes._ Nay, prithee, hold thy peace. And so, sir, this murder being -committed by the river-side, the fisherman, upon suspicion, was seiz'd, -and thereupon the prince grew angry. - -_Smith._ So, so; now 'tis very plain. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, is not this some disparagement to a prince, to -pass for a fisherman's son? Have a care of that, I pray. - -_Bayes._ No, no, not at all; for 'tis but for a while: I shall fetch him -off again presently, you shall see. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN _and_ THIMBLE. - - _Pret._ By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire, - Rather than let 'em ravish hence my sire. - - _Thim._ Brave Prettyman, it is at length reveal'd, - That he is not thy sire who thee conceal'd. - -_Bayes._ Lo, you now; there, he's off again. - -_Johns._ Admirably done, i'faith! - -_Bayes._ Ay, now the plot thickens very much upon us. - - _Pret._ What oracle this darkness can evince! - Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince. - It is a secret, great as is the world; - In which I, like the soul, am toss'd and hurl'd, - The blackest ink of Fate sure was my lot, - And when she writ my name, she made a blot. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a blustering verse for you now. - -_Smith._ Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily troubled to find he is not -a fisherman's son? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that is not because he has a mind to be his son, but for -fear he should be thought to be nobody's son at all. - -_Smith._ Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed. - -_Bayes._ So, let me see. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, _going out of town._ - -_Smith._ I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, he gave it out so; but that was only to cover his design. - -_Johns._ What design? - -_Bayes._ Why, to head the army that lies conceal'd for him at -Knightsbridge. - -_Johns._ I see here's a great deal of plot, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Yes, now it begins to break: but we shall have a world of more -business anon. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, CLORIS, AMARYLLIS, _and_ HARRY, _with a -riding-cloak and boots._ - - _Ama._ Sir, you are cruel thus to leave the town, - And to retire to country solitude. - - _Clo._ We hop'd this summer that we should at least - Have held the honour of your company. - -_Bayes._ Held the honour of your company; prettily express'd: held the -honour of your company! gadzookers, these fellows will never take notice -of anything. - -_Johns._ I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely; I don't know what he -does. - -_Bayes._ Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis no great matter. Come. - - _Ama._ Pray let us two this single boon obtain! - That you will here, with poor us, still remain! - Before your horses come, pronounce our fate, - For then, alas, I fear 'twill be too late. - - _Bayes._ Sad! - Harry, my boots; for I'll go range among! - -_Vols._ My blades encamp'd, and quit this urban throng.[28] - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, is not this a little difficult, that you -were saying e'en now, to keep an army thus conceal'd in Knightsbridge? - -_Bayes._ In Knightsbridge? stay. - -_Johns._ No, not if the inn-keepers be his friends. - -_Bayes._ His friends! ay, sir, his intimate acquaintance; or else indeed -I grant it could not be. - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, so it might be very easy. - -_Bayes._ Nay, if I do not make all things easy, egad, I'll give you leave -to hang me. Now you would think that he's going out of town: but you -shall see how prettily I have contriv'd to stop him presently. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, you have so amaz'd me, that I know not what to -think. - -_Enter_ PARTHENOPE. - - _Vols._ Bless me! how frail are all my best resolves! - How, in a moment, is my purpose chang'd! - Too soon I thought myself secure from love. - Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name,[29] - Who does so gently rob me of my fame: - For I should meet the army out of town, - And if I fail, must hazard my renown. - - _Par._ My mother, sir, sells ale by the town-walls; - And me her dear Parthenope she calls. - -_Bayes._ Now that's the Parthenope I told you of. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, egad, you are very right. - - _Vols._ Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty shroud? - Thou bring'st the morning pictur'd in a cloud.[30] - -_Bayes._ The morning pictur'd in a cloud! ah, gadzookers, what a conceit -is there! - -_Par._ Give you good even, sir. [_Exit._ - -_Vols._ O inauspicious stars! that I was born To sudden love, and to more -sudden scorn! - -_Ama._ } How! Prince Volscius in love? ha, ha, ha![31] _Clo._ } [_Exeunt -laughing._ - -_Smith._ Sure, Mr. Bayes, we have lost some jest here, that they laugh at -so. - -_Bayes._ Why, did you not observe? he first resolves to go out of town, -and then as he's pulling on his boots, falls in love with her; ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ Well, and where lies the jest of that? - -_Bayes._ Ha? [_Turns to_ JOHNS. - -_Johns._ Why, in the boots: where should the jest lie? - - _Bayes._ Egad, you are in the right: it does lie in the boots---- - [_Turns to_ SMITH. - Your friend and I know where a good jest lies, though you don't, sir. - -_Smith._ Much good do't you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Here now, Mr. Johnson, you shall see a combat betwixt love and -honour. An ancient author has made a whole play on't;[32] but I have -dispatch'd it all in this scene. - -VOLSCIUS _sits down to pull on his boots:_ BAYES _stands by, and -over-acts the part as he speaks it._ - - _Vols._ How has my passion made me Cupid's scoff! - This hasty boot is on, the other off, - And sullen lies, with amorous design, - To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine. - -_Smith._ Prithee, mark what pains Mr. Bayes takes to act this speech -himself! - -_Johns._ Yes, the fool, I see, is mightily transported with it. - - _Vols._ My legs the emblem of my various thought - Show to what sad distraction I am brought. - Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot, - My mind is guarded, and resolv'd to do't: - Sometimes again, that very mind, by love - Disarméd, like this other leg does prove. - Shall I to honour or to love give way? - Go on, cries honour;[33] tender love says, nay; - Honour aloud commands, pluck both boots on; - But softer love does whisper, put on none. - What shall I do! what conduct shall I find, - To lead me thro' this twilight of my mind? - For as bright day, with black approach of night - Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light; - So does my honour and my love together - Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither. - [_Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and t'other off._ - -_Johns._ By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I saw, -and as equal; for 'tis determin'd on neither side. - -_Bayes._ Ay, is't not now egad, ha? for to go off hip-hop, hip-hop, upon -this occasion, is a thousand times better than any conclusion in the -world, egad. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, that hip-hop, in this place, as you say, does -a very great deal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, all in all, sir! they are these little things that mar, -or set you off a play; as I remember once in a play of mine, I set -off a scene, egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat, and the -gripes.[34] - -_Smith._ Pray how was that, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I contriv'd a petticoat to be brought in upon a chair -(nobody knew how) into a prince's chamber, whose father was not to see -it, that came in by chance. - -_Johns._ By-my-life, that was a notable contrivance indeed. - -_Smith._ Ay, but Mr. Bayes, how could you contrive the stomach-ache? - -_Bayes._ The easiest i' th' world, egad: I'll tell you how. I made the -prince sit down upon the petticoat, no more than so, and pretended to his -father that he had just then got the gripes: whereupon his father went -out to call a physician, and his man ran away with the petticoat. - -_Smith._ Well, and what follow'd upon that? - -_Bayes._ Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad. - -_Johns._ On my word, Mr. Bayes, there you hit it. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it gave a world of content. And then I paid 'em away -besides; for it made them all talk beastly: ha, ha, ha, beastly! -downright beastly upon the stage, egad, ha, ha, ha! but with an infinite -deal of wit, that I must say. - -_Johns._ That, ay, that, we know well enough, can never fail you. - -_Bayes._ No, egad, can't it. Come, bring in the dance. - - [_Exit to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ Now, the plague take thee for a silly, confident, unnatural, -fulsome rogue. - -_Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - -_Bayes._ Pray dance well before these gentlemen; you are commonly so -lazy, but you should be light and easy, tah, tah, tah. - - [_All the while they dance_, BAYES _puts them out - with teaching them._ - -Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am not deceiv'd, take very -well upon the stage, when they are perfect in their motions, and all that. - -_Smith._ I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I am sure you sweat hard -for't. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and trouble to do these things -than almost the things are worth. - -_Smith._ By my troth, I think so, sir. - -_Bayes._ Not for the things themselves; for I could write you, sir, forty -of 'em in a day: but, egad, these players are such dull persons, that if -a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at every turn, egad, they'll -mistake you, sir, and spoil all. - -_Enter a_ PLAYER. - -What, is the funeral ready? - -_Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ And is the lance fill'd with wine? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis just now a-doing. - -_Bayes._ Stay, then, I'll do it myself. - -_Smith._ Come, let's go with him. - -_Bayes._ A match. But, Mr. Johnson, egad, I am not like other persons; -they care not what becomes of their things, so they can but get money -for 'em: now, egad, when I write, if it be not just as it should be in -every circumstance, to every particular, egad, I am no more able to -endure it, I am not myself, I'm out of my wits, and all that; I'm the -strangest person in the whole world: for what care I for money? I write -for reputation. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Gentlemen, because I would not have any two things alike in this -play, the last act beginning with a witty scene of mirth, I make this to -begin with a funeral. - -_Smith._ And is that all your reason for it, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. A person of honour, -and a scholar, brought in his funeral just so;[35] and he was one, let -me tell you, that knew as well what belong'd to a funeral as any man in -England, egad. - -_Johns._ Nay, if that be so, you are safe. - -_Bayes._ Egad, but I have another device, a frolic, which I think yet -better than all this; not for the plot or characters (for, in my heroic -plays, I make no difference as to those matters), but for another -contrivance. - -_Smith._ What is that, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I have design'd a conquest that cannot possibly, egad, be -acted in less than a whole week; and I'll speak a bold word, it shall -drum, trumpet, shout, and battle, egad, with any the most warlike tragedy -we have, either ancient or modern.[36] - -_Johns._ Ay, marry, sir, there you say something. - -_Smith._ And pray, sir, how have you order'd this same frolic of yours? - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, by the rule of romance; for example, they divide -their things into three, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as many tomes -as they please. Now I would very fain know what should hinder me from -doing the same with my things, if I please? - -_Johns._ Nay, if you should not be master of your own works, 'tis very -hard. - -_Bayes._ That is my sense. And then, sir, this contrivance of mine has -something of the reason of a play in it too; for as every one makes you -five acts to one play, what do I, but make five plays to one plot: by -which means the auditors have every day a new thing. - -_Johns._ Most admirably good, i'faith! and must certainly take, because -it is not tedious. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I know that; there's the main point. And then upon -Saturday to make a close of all (for I ever begin upon a Monday), I make -you, sir, a sixth play that sums up the whole matter to 'em, and all -that, for fear they should have forgot it. - -_Johns._ That consideration, Mr. Bayes, indeed I think will be very -necessary. - -_Smith._ And when comes in your share, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ The third week. - -_Johns._ I vow you'll get a world of money. - -_Bayes._ Why, faith, a man must live; and if you don't thus pitch upon -some new device, egad, you'll never do't; for this age (take it o' my -word) is somewhat hard to please. But there is one pretty odd passage in -the last of these plays, which may be executed two several ways, wherein -I'd have your opinion, gentlemen. - -_Johns._ What is't, sir. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I make a male person to be in love with a female. - -_Smith._ Do you mean that, Mr. Bayes, for a new thing? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, as I have order'd it. You shall hear: he having -passionately lov'd her through my five whole plays, finding at last that -she consents to his love, just after that his mother had appear'd to him -like a ghost, he kills himself: that's one way. The other is, that she -coming at last to love him, with as violent a passion as he lov'd her, -she kills herself. Now my question is, which of these two persons should -suffer upon this occasion? - -_Johns._ By my troth, it is a very hard case to decide. - -_Bayes._ The hardest in the world, egad, and has puzzled this pate very -much. What say you, Mr. Smith? - -_Smith._ Why truly, Mr. Bayes, if it might stand with your justice now, -I would spare 'em both. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and I think--ha--why then, I'll make him hinder her from -killing herself. Ay, it shall be so. Come, come, bring in the funeral. - -_Enter a Funeral, with the two_ USURPERS _and Attendants_. - -Lay it down there; no, no, here, sir. So now speak. - - _K. Ush._ Set down the funeral pile, and let our grief - Receive from its embraces some relief. - - _K. Phys._ Was't not unjust to ravish hence her breath, - And in life's stead, to leave us nought but death? - The world discovers now its emptiness, - And by her loss demonstrates we have less. - -_Bayes._ Is not this good language now? is not that elevate? 'tis my -_non ultra_, egad; you must know they were both in love with her. - -_Smith._ With her! with whom? - -_Bayes._ Why, this is Lardella's funeral. - -_Smith._ Lardella! ay, who is she? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a lady that was drown'd at -sea, and had a wave for her winding-sheet.[37] - - _K. Ush._ Lardella, O Lardella, from above - Behold the tragic issues of our love: - Pity us, sinking under grief and pain, - For thy being cast away upon the main. - -_Bayes._ Look you now, you see I told you true. - -_Smith._ Ay, sir, and I thank you for it very kindly. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but you will not have patience; honest Mr.--a--you -will not have patience. - -_Johns._ Pray, Mr. Bayes, who is that Drawcansir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his mistress, snubs up -kings, baffles armies, and does what he will, without regard to numbers, -good manners, or justice.[38] - -_Johns._ A very pretty character! - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, I thought your heroes had ever been men of great -humanity and justice. - -_Bayes._ Yes, they have been so; but for my part, I prefer that one -quality of singly beating of whole armies, above all your moral virtues -put together, egad. You shall see him come in presently. Zookers, why -don't you read the paper? - - [_To the Players._ - - _K. Phys._ O, cry you mercy. [_Goes to take the paper._ - -_Bayes._ Pish! nay you are such a fumbler. Come, I'll read it myself. -[_Takes the paper from off the coffin._ Stay, it's an ill hand, I must -use my spectacles. This now is a copy of verses, which I make Lardella -compose just as she is dying, with design to have it pinn'd upon her -coffin, and so read by one of the usurpers, who is her cousin. - -_Smith._ A very shrewd design that, upon my word, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ And what do you think now, I fancy her to make love like, here, -in this paper? - -_Smith._ Like a woman: what should she make love like? - -_Bayes._ O' my word you are out tho', sir; egad you are. - -_Smith._ What then, like a man? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; like a humble-bee. - -_Smith._ I confess, that I should not have fancy'd. - -_Bayes._ It may be so, sir; but it is tho', in order to the opinion of -some of our ancient philosophers, who held the transmigration of the soul. - -_Smith._ Very fine. - -_Bayes._ I'll read the title: "To my dear Couz, King Physician." - -_Smith._ That's a little too familiar with a king, tho', sir, by your -favour, for a humble-bee. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Smith, in other things, I grant your knowledge may be above -me; but as for poetry, give me leave to say I understand that better: it -has been longer my practice; it has indeed, sir. - - _Smith._ Your servant, sir. - - _Bayes._ Pray mark it. [_Reads._ - - "Since death my earthly part will thus remove, - I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love: - With silent wings I'll follow you, dear couz; - Or else, before you, in the sunbeams, buz. - And when to melancholy groves you come, - An airy ghost, you'll know me by my hum; - For sound, being air, a ghost does well become."[39] - - _Smith_ (after a pause). Admirable! - - _Bayes._ "At night, into your bosom I will creep, - And buz but softly if you chance to sleep: - Yet in your dreams, I will pass sweeping by, - And then both hum and buz before your eye." - -_Johns._ By my troth, that's a very great promise. - -_Smith._ Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to boot. - - _Bayes._ "Your bed of love from dangers I will free; - But most from love of any future bee. - And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack, - With empty arms I'll bear you on my back." - -_Smith._ A pick-a-pack, a pick-a-pack. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but is not that _tuant_ now, ha? is it not _tuant_? -Here's the end. - - "Then at your birth of immortality, - Like any wingéd archer hence I'll fly, - And teach you your first fluttering in the sky." - -_Johns._ Oh, rare! this is the most natural, refined fancy that ever I -heard, I'll swear. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a good way enough of -making love; for, being divested of her terrestrial part, and all that, -she is only capable of these little, pretty, amorous designs that are -innocent, and yet passionate. Come, draw your swords. - - _K. Phys._ Come, sword, come sheath thyself within this breast, - Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest. - - _K. Ush._ Come, dagger, come and penetrate this heart, - Which cannot from Lardella's love depart. - -_Enter_ PALLAS. - - _Pal._ Hold, stop your murd'ring hands - At Pallas's commands: - For the supposéd dead, O kings, - Forbear to act such deadly things. - Lardella lives; I did but try - If princes for their loves could die. - Such celestial constancy - Shall, by the gods, rewarded be: - And from these funeral obsequies, - A nuptial banquet shall arise. - [_The coffin opens, and a banquet is discovered._ - -_Bayes._ So, take away the coffin. Now 'tis out. This is the very funeral -of the fair person which Volscius sent word was dead; and Pallas, you -see, has turned it into a banquet. - -_Smith._ Well, but where is this banquet? - -_Bayes._ Nay, look you, sir; we must first have a dance, for joy that -Lardella is not dead. Pray, sir, give me leave to bring in my things -properly at least. - -_Smith._ That, indeed, I had forgot; I ask your pardon. - -_Bayes._ Oh, d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will confess yourself once in an -error, Mr. Smith. - - [_Dance._] - - _K. Ush._ Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do find - The fiercest beauty, and a fiercer mind: - And since to thee Lardella's life we owe, - We'll supple statues in thy temple grow. - - _K. Phys._ Well, since alive Lardella's found, - Let in full bowls her health go round. - [_The two Usurpers take each of them - a bowl in their hands._ - - _K. Ush._ But where's the wine? - - _Pal._ That shall be mine. - Lo, from this conquering lance - Does flow the purest wine of France: - [_Fills the bowls out of her lance._ - And to appease your hunger, I - Have in my helmet brought a pie: - Lastly, to bear a part with these, - Behold a buckler made of cheese.[40] [_Vanish_ PALLAS. - -_Bayes._ That's the banquet. Are you satisfied now, sir? - -_Johns._ By my troth now, that is new, and more than I expected. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I knew this would please you; for the chief art in poetry -is to elevate your expectation, and then bring you off some extraordinary -way. - -_Enter_ DRAWCANSIR. - -_K. Phys._ What man is this that dares disturb our feast? - - _Draw._ He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die; - And knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.[41] - -_Johns._ That is, Mr. Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would -rather die than not drink, yet he would fain drink for all that too. - -_Bayes._ Right; that's the conceit on't. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. - -_Bayes._ Now, there are some critics that have advis'd me to put out the -second _dare_, and print _must_ in the place on't;[42] but, egad, I think -'tis better thus a great deal. - -_Johns._ Whoo! a thousand times. - -_Bayes._ Go on then. - - _K. Ush._ Sir, if you please, we should be glad to know, - How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go? - -_Bayes._ Is not that now like a well-bred person, egad? so modest, so -gent! - -_Smith._ O very like. - - _Draw._ You shall not know how long I here will stay; - But you shall know I'll take your bowls away.[43] - - [_Snatches the bowls out of the kings' hands and drinks them off._ - - _Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, is that, too, modest and gent? - - _Bayes._ No, egad, sir, but 'tis great. - - _K. Ush._ Tho', brother, this grum stranger be a clown, - He'll leave us sure a little to gulp down. - - _Draw._ Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dare think, - I'll stare away his very power to drink,[44] - - [_The two Kings sneak off the stage with - their attendants._ - - I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare; - And all this I can do because I dare.[45] [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ I suppose, Mr. Bayes, this is the fierce hero you spoke of? - -_Bayes._ Yes; but this is nothing. You shall see him in the last act -win above a dozen battles, one after another, egad, as fast as they can -possibly come upon the stage. - -_Johns._ That will be a fight worth the seeing, indeed. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, why do you make the kings let him use them -so scurvily? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's to raise the character of Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ O' my word, that was well thought on. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, I'll show you a scene indeed; or rather, indeed, the -scene of scenes. 'Tis an heroic scene. - -_Smith._ And pray, what's your design in this scene? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, forc'd conceit, smooth -verse and a rant; in fine, if this scene don't take, egad, I'll write no -more. Come, come in, Mr.--a--nay, come in as many as you can. Gentlemen, -I must desire you to remove a little, for I must fill the stage. - -_Smith._ Why fill the stage? - -_Bayes._ Oh, sir, because your heroic verse never sounds well but when -the stage is full. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - -Nay, hold, hold; pray by your leave a little. Look you, sir, the drift of -this scene is somewhat more than ordinary; for I make 'em both fall out -because they are not in love with the same woman. - -_Smith._ Not in love? You mean, I suppose, because they are in love, Mr. -Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; I say not in love; there's a new conceit for you. Now -speak. - - _Pret._ Since fate, Prince Volscius, now has found the way - For our so long'd-for meeting here this day, - Lend thy attention to my grand concern. - - _Vols._ I gladly would that story from thee learn; - But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline; - Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine. - - _Bayes._ Antithesis! thine and mine. - - _Pret._ Since love itself's the same, why should it be - Diff'ring in you from what it is in me? - - _Bayes._ Reasoning! egad, I love reasoning in verse. - - _Vols._ Love takes, caméleon-like, a various dye - From every plant on which itself doth lie. - - _Bayes._ Simile! - - _Pret._ Let not thy love the course of nature fright: - Nature does most in harmony delight. - - _Vols._ How weak a deity would nature prove, - Contending with the powerful god of love! - - _Bayes._ There's a great verse! - - _Vols._ If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine - Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine. - Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale; - And her bright flames make all flames else look pale. - - _Bayes._ Egad, that is right. - - _Pret._ Perhaps dull incense may thy love suffice; - But mine must be ador'd with sacrifice. - All hearts turn ashes, which her eyes control: - The body they consume, as well as soul. - - _Vols._ My love has yet a power more divine; - Victims her altars burn not, but refine; - Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, - But, with her looks, revive still as they roast. - In spite of pain and death they're kept alive; - Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive. - - _Bayes._ That is as well, egad, as I can do. - - _Vols._ Let my Parthenope at length prevail. - - _Bayes._ Civil, egad. - - _Pret._ I'll sooner have a passion for a whale; - In whose vast bulk, tho' store of oil doth lie, - We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. - -_Smith._ That's uncivil, egad. - -_Bayes._ Yes; but as far-fetched a fancy, tho', egad, as e'er you saw. - - _Vols._ Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pretence - Of perfect love defame love's excellence: - Parthenope is, sure, as far above - All other loves, as above all is Love. - - _Bayes._ Ah! egad, that strikes me. - - _Pret._ To blame my Cloris, gods would not pretend-- - - _Bayes._ Now mark-- - - _Vols._ Were all gods join'd, they could not hope to mend - My better choice: for fair Parthenope - Gods would themselves un-god themselves to see.[46] - - _Bayes._ Now the rant's a-coming. - - _Pret._ Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, - I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil.[47] - - _Bayes._ Ay, gadzookers, that's well writ! - [_Scratching his head, his peruke falls off._ - - _Vols._ Could'st thou that god from heaven to earth translate, - He could not fear to want a heav'nly state; - Parthenope, on earth, can heav'n create. - - _Pret._ Cloris does heav'n itself so far excel, - She can transcend the joys of heav'n in hell. - -_Bayes._ There's a bold flight for you now! 'sdeath, I have lost my -peruke. Well, gentlemen, this is what I never yet saw any one could -write, but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all through, egad. So, -so, pray clear the stage. - - [_He puts 'em off the stage._ - -_Johns._ I wonder how the coxcomb has got the knack of writing smooth -verse thus. - -_Smith._ Why, there's no need of brain for this: 'tis but scanning the -labours on the finger; but where's the sense of it? - -_Johns._ Oh! for that he desires to be excus'd: he is too proud a man to -creep servilely after sense, I assure you.[48] But pray, Mr. Bayes, why -is this scene all in verse? _Bayes._ Oh, sir, the subject is too great -for prose. - -_Smith._ Well said, i'faith; I'll give thee a pot of ale for that answer; -'tis well worth it. - - _Bayes._ Come, with all my heart. - I'll make that god subscribe himself a devil; - That single line, egad, is worth all that my brother poets ever writ. - Let down the curtain. [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT. V.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll show you the -greatest scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, for those I -don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. In fine, I'll justify -it to be as grand to the eye every whit, egad, as that great scene in -"Harry the Eighth," and grander too, egad; for instead of two bishops, I -bring in here four cardinals. - - [_The curtain is drawn up_, _the two usurping Kings appear in - state with the four Cardinals,_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN, PRINCE VOLSCIUS, - AMARYLLIS, CLORIS, PARTHENOPE. _&c._, _before them_, _Heralds and - Sergeants-at-arms_, _with maces_. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the cardinals are -in hats, and the other in caps? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, because---- By gad I won't tell you. Your country -friend, sir, grows so troublesome-- - -_K. Ush._ Now, sir, to the business of the day. - -_K. Phys._ Speak, Volscius. - -_Vols._ Dread sovereign lords, my zeal to you must not invade my duty -to your son; let me entreat that great Prince Prettyman first to speak; -whose high pre-eminence in all things, that do bear the name of good, may -justly claim that privilege. - -_Bayes._ Here it begins to unfold; you may perceive, now, that he is his -son. - -_Johns._ Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to you for that -discovery. - - _Pret._ Royal father, upon my knees I beg, - That the illustrious Volscius first be heard. - -_Vols._ That preference is only due to Amaryllis, sir. - -_Bayes._ I'll make her speak very well, by-and-by, you shall see. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns---- [_Soft music._ - - _K. Ush._ But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?[49] - - _K. Phys._ Sure 'tis the music of the moving spheres. - - _Pret._ Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far - A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car; - In which our two right kings sit one by one, - With virgins' vests, and laurel garlands on. - - _K. Ush._ Then, brother Phys., 'tis time we should be gone. - [_The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, and go away._ - -_Bayes._ Look you now, did not I tell you, that this would be as easy a -change as the other? - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, you did so; tho' I confess I could not believe you: -but you have brought it about, I see. - - [_The two right kings of Brentford descend in the clouds, singing, - in white garments; and three fiddlers sitting before them, in - green._ - - _Bayes._ Now, because the two right kings descend from above, - I make 'em sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits. - - _1st King._ Haste, brother king, we are sent from above. - - _2nd King._ Let us move, let us move; - Move to remove the fate - Of Brentford's long united state.[50] - - _1st King._ Tarra, ran, tarra, full east and by south. - - _2nd King._ We sail with thunder in our mouth, - In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays; - Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, - Mounted upon warm Phoebus's rays, - Through the heavenly throng, - Hasting to those - Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty-toes. - - _1st King._ And we'll fall with our plate - In an _ollio_ of hate. - - _2nd King._ But now supper's done, the servitors try, - Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pie. - - _1st King._ They gather, they gather hot custards in spoons: - But alas, I must leave these half-moons, - And repair to my trusty dragoons. - - _2nd King._ Oh, stay, for you need not as yet go astray: - The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our way, - And on their high ropes we will play - Like maggots in filberts we'll snug in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - And farewell. - - _1st King._ But the ladies have all inclination to dance, - And the green frogs croak out a coranto of France. - -_Bayes._ Is not that pretty, now? The fiddlers are all in green. - -_Smith._ Ay, but they play no coranto. - -_Johns._ No, but they play a tune that's a great deal better. - -_Bayes._ No coranto, quoth-a! that's a good one, with all my heart. Come, -sing on. - - _2nd King._ Now mortals that hear - How we tilt and career, - With wonder will fear - The event of such things as shall never appear. - - _1st King._ Stay you to fulfil what the gods have decreed. - - _2nd King._ Then call me to help you, if there shall be need. - - _1st King._ So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford king, - To save the distress'd, and help to 'em to bring, - That ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, - He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla. - [BAYES _fillips his finger, and sings after them._ - -_Bayes._ "He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla." This, sir, you -must know, I thought once to have brought in with a conjuror.[51] - -_Johns._ Ay, that would have been better. - -_Bayes._ No, faith, not when you consider it; for thus it is more -compendious, and does the thing every whit as well. - -_Smith._ Thing! what thing? - -_Bayes._ Why, bring 'em down again into the throne, sir. What thing would -you have? - -_Smith._ Well, but methinks the sense of this song is not very plain! - -_Bayes._ Plain! why, did you ever hear any people in clouds speak plain? -They must be all for flight of fancy at its full range, without the least -check or control upon it. When once you tie up spirits and people in -clouds, to speak plain, you spoil all. - -_Smith._ Bless me, what a monster's this! - - [_The two Kings light out of the clouds, and - step into the throne._ - -_1st King._ Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance. - -_2nd King._ I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. - -_Bayes._ Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But first, let's -have a dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do it always just so: for -it must be done as if it were the effect of thought and premeditation. -But first, let's have a dance; pray remember that. - -_Smith._ Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue, there's no -enduring of him. - -_Johns._ No, prithee make use of thy patience a little longer, let's see -the end of him now. [_Dance a grand dance._ - -_Bayes._ This, now, is an ancient dance, of right belonging to the Kings -of Brentford; but since derived, with a little alteration, to the Inns of -Court. - -_An Alarm. Enter two Heralds._ - - _1st King._ What saucy groom molests our privacies? - - _1st Her._ The army's at the door, and in disguise, - Desires a word with both your majesties. - - -_2nd King._ Bid 'em attend awhile, and drink our health. - -_Smith._ How, Mr. Bayes, the army in disguise! - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them, that went -out but just now. - -_Smith._ Why, what if they had discover'd them? - -_Bayes._ Why, then they had broke the design. - -_1st King._ Here take five guineas for those warlike men. - -_2nd King._ And here's five more, that makes the sum just ten. - - _1st Her._ We have not seen so much, the Lord knows when. - - [_Exeunt Heralds._ - - _1st King._ Speak on, brave Amaryllis. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns, blame not my modesty, if at this - grand conjuncture---- [_Drum beats behind the stage._ - -_1st King._ What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes? - -_Enter a Soldier with his sword drawn._ - - _Sold._ Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons save, - For the event of war no mortal knows:[52] - The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, - First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ Is not that now a pretty kind of a stanza, and a handsome -come-off? - - _2nd King._ O dangerous estate of sovereign power! - Obnoxious to the change of every hour. - - _1st King._ Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; - Perhaps these threatning storms may pass away. [_Exeunt._ - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us just now, to make -Amaryllis speak very well? - -_Bayes._ Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her. - -_Smith._ How, sir, whether you would or no? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that I vow to gad, it was not to be -avoided. - -_Smith._ Marry, that was hard. - -_Johns._ But, pray, who hinder'd her? - -_Bayes._ Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming in at the door: and -I'll tell you now a strange thing; tho' I don't pretend to do more than -other men, egad, I'll give you both a whole week to guess how I'll -represent this battle. - -_Smith._ I had rather be bound to fight your battle, I assure you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Whoo! there's it now: fight a battle! there's the common error. -I knew presently where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but tell -me this one thing: can you think it a decent thing, in a battle before -ladies, to have men run their swords thro' one another, and all that? - -_Johns._ No, faith, 'tis not civil. - -_Bayes._ Right; on the other side, to have a long relation of squadrons -here, and squadrons there: what is it, but dull prolixity? - -_Johns._ Excellently reason'd, by my troth! - -_Bayes._ Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those indecorums, I sum up the -whole battle in the representation of two persons only, no more: and yet -so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear ten thousand men were at -it really engag'd. Do you mark me? - -_Smith._ Yes, sir: but I think I should hardly swear tho', for all that. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, but you would tho', when you see it: for -I make 'em both come out in armour _cap-a-pie_, with their swords -drawn, and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrist; which, you know, -represents fighting enough. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; so much, that if I were in your place, I would make 'em -go out again, without ever speaking one word. - -_Bayes._ No, there you are out; for I make each of 'em hold a lute in his -hand. - -_Smith._ How, sir, instead of a buckler? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! instead of a buckler? pray, sir, do you ask -no more questions. I make 'em, sirs, play the battle _in recitativo_. -And here's the conceit just at the very same instant that one sings, -the other, sir, recovers you his sword, and puts himself into a warlike -posture: so that you have at once your ear entertain'd with music and -good language, and your eye satisfied with the garb and accoutrements of -war. - -_Smith._ I confess, sir, you stupefy me. - -_Bayes._ You shall see. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting? for I love -those plays where they cut and slash one another upon the stage for a -whole hour together. - -_Bayes._ Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both ways: but -you shall have my _recitativo_ first. - -_Johns._ Ay, now you are right: there is nothing that can be objected -against it. - -_Bayes._ True: and so, egad, I'll make it too a tragedy in a trice.[53] - -_Enter at several doors the_ GENERAL _and_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL, _arm'd -cap-a-pie_, _with each of them a lute in his hand_, _and a sword drawn_, -_and hung with a scarlet ribbon at his wrist_.[54] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Villain, thou liest! - - _Gen._ Arm, arm, Gonsalvo,[55] arm, what, ho! - The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Advance from Acton with the musqueteers. - - _Gen._ Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers.[56] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The band you boast of Chelsea cuirassiers, - Shall, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers.[57] - - _Gen._ Chiswickians, aged and renown'd in fight, - Join with the Hammersmith brigade. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ You'll find my Mortlake boys will do them right, - Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. - - _Gen._ Let the left wing of Twick'nam foot advance, - And line that eastern hedge. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The horse I rais'd in Petty-France - Shall try their chance, - And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge. - - _Gen._ Stand: give the word. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Bright sword. - - _Gen._ That may be thine. - But 'tis not mine. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Give fire, give fire, at once give fire, - And let those recreant troops perceive mine ire.[58] - - _Gen._ Pursue, pursue; they fly - That first did give the lie. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ This now is not improper, I think; because the spectators know -all these towns, and may easily conceive them to be within the dominions -of the two Kings of Brentford. - -_Johns._ Most exceeding well design'd! - -_Bayes._ How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to this battle? - -_Smith._ How? - -_Bayes._ By an eclipse; which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancy that -was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself, and one person more, -that shall be nameless. - -_Enter_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ What midnight darkness does invade the day, - And snatch the victor from his conquer'd prey? - Is the sun weary of this bloody fight, - And winks upon us with the eye of light! - 'Tis an eclipse! this was unkind, O moon, - To clap between me and the sun so soon. - Foolish eclipse! thou this in vain hast done; - My brighter honour had eclips'd the sun: - But now behold eclipses two in one. [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ This is an admirable representation of a battle as ever I saw. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; but how would you fancy now to represent an eclipse? - -_Smith._ Why, that's to be suppos'd. - -_Bayes._ Suppos'd! ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, ha! why, you -may as well suppose the whole play. No, it must come in upon the stage, -that's certain; but in some odd way, that may delight, amuse, and all -that. I have a conceit for't, that I am sure is new, and I believe to the -purpose. - -_Johns._ How's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a -dialogue between Phoebus and Aurora, in the "Slighted Maid," which, by -my troth, was very pretty; but I think you'd confess this is a little -better. - -_Johns._ No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes, a great deal better. - - [BAYES _hugs_ JOHNSON, _then turns to_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Ah, dear rogue! But--a--sir, you have heard, I suppose, that -your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition of the -earth between the sun and moon; as likewise your eclipse of the sun is -caus'd by an interlocation of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun. - -_Smith._ I have heard some such thing indeed. - -_Bayes._ Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and moon come -out upon the stage, and dance the hey. Hum! and of necessity, by the very -nature of this dance, the earth must be sometimes between the sun and the -moon, and the moon between the earth and sun: and there you have both -eclipses by demonstration. - -_Johns._ That must needs be very fine, truly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, that there may be -something in't, too, of a joke, I bring 'em in all singing; and make the -moon sell the earth a bargain. Come, come out, eclipse, to the tune of -"Tom Tyler." - -_Enter_ LUNA. - - _Luna._ Orbis, O Orbis! - Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis. - -_Enter the_ EARTH. - - _Orb._ Who calls Terra-firma, pray?[59] - - _Luna._ Luna, that ne'er shines by day. - - _Orb._ What means Luna in a veil? - - _Luna._ Luna means to show her tail. - - _Bayes._ There's the bargain. - -_Enter_ SOL, _to the tune of_ "Robin Hood." - - _Sol._ Fie, sister, fie; thou makest me muse, - Derry down, derry down, - To see thee Orb abuse. - - _Luna._ I hope his anger 'twill not move; - Since I show'd it out of love. - Hey down, derry down. - - _Orb._ Where shall I thy true love know, - Thou pretty, pretty moon? - - _Luna._ To-morrow soon, ere it be noon, - On Mount Vesuvio.[60] - - _Sol._ Then I will shine [_To the tune of_ "Trenchmore." _Bis._ - - _Orb._ And I will be fine. - - _Luna._ And I will drink nothing but Lippara wine.[61] - - _Omnes._ And we, &c. [_As they dance the hey_, BAYES _speaks_. - -_Bayes._ Now the earth's before the moon: now the moon's before the sun: -there's the eclipse again. - -_Smith._ He's mightily taken with this, I see. - -_Johns._ Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he choose? - -_Bayes._ So, now, vanish eclipse, and enter t'other battle, and fight. -Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting enough. - -[_A battle is fought between foot and great hobby-horses. At last_, -DRAWCANSIR _comes in and kills them all on both sides. All the while the -battle is fighting_, BAYES _is telling them when to shout_, _and shouts -with 'em_. - - _Draw._ Others may boast a single man to kill; - But I the blood of thousands daily spill. - Let petty kings the names of parties know: - Where'er I come, I slay both friend and foe. - The swiftest horse-men my swift rage controls, - And from their bodies drives their trembling souls. - If they had wings, and to the gods could fly, - I would pursue and beat 'em through the sky; - And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see - This single arm more dreadful is than he. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs. You may talk of -your Hectors, and Achilles's, and I know not who; but I defy all your -histories, and your romances too, to show me one such conqueror, as this -Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ I swear, I think you may. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? for I see -none alive to help 'em. - -_Bayes._ Go off! why, as they came on, upon their legs: how should they -go off? Why, do you think the people here don't know they are not dead? -he is mighty ignorant, poor man: your friend here is very silly, Mr. -Johnson; egad, he is. Ha, ha, ha! Come, sir, I'll show you how they shall -go off. Rise, rise, sirs, and go about your business.[62] There's go off -for you now; ha, ha, ha! Mr. Ivory, a word. Gentlemen, I'll be with you -presently. - - [_Exit._ - - _Johns._ Will you so? Then we'll be gone. - - _Smith._ Ay, prithee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing. - One battle more will take mine quite away. [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - - _Bayes._ Where are the gentlemen? - - _1st Play._ They are gone, sir. - - _Bayes._ Gone! 'sdeath, this act is best of all. I'll go fetch - 'em again. [_Exit._ - - _1st Play._ What shall we do, now he is gone away? - - _2nd Play._ Why, so much the better; then let's go to dinner. - - _3rd Play._ Stay, here's a foul piece of paper. Let's see what - 'tis. - - _3rd or 4th Play._ Ay, ay, come, let's hear it. - [_Reads. The argument of the fifth act._ - -_3rd Play._ "Cloris, at length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's -passion, consents to marry him; but just as they are going to church, -Prince Prettyman meeting, by chance, with old Joan, the chandler's widow, -and remembering it was she that first brought him acquainted with Cloris; -out of a high point of honour, breaks off his match with Cloris, and -marries old Joan. Upon which, Cloris, in despair, drowns herself; and -Prince Prettyman, discontentedly, walks by the river-side."----This will -never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone. - -_Most of the Players._ Ay, plague on't, let's go away. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ A plague on 'em both for me! they have made me sweat, to run -after 'em. A couple of senseless rascals, that had rather go to dinner, -than see this play out, with a plague to 'em. What comfort has a man to -write for such dull rogues! Come, Mr.--a--where are you, sir? Come away, -quick, quick. - -_Enter_ STAGE-KEEPER. - -_Stage-keep._ Sir: they are gone to dinner. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I know the gentlemen are gone; but I ask for the players. - -_Stage-keep._ Why, an't please your worship, sir, the players are gone to -dinner too. - -_Bayes._ How! are the players gone to dinner? 'tis impossible: the -players gone to dinner! egad, if they are, I'll make 'em know what it is -to injure a person that does them the honour to write for 'em, and all -that. A company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross-grain'd persons, -and all that. Egad, I'll make 'em the most contemptible, despicable, -inconsiderable persons, and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. -Egad, I'll be revenged on 'em; I'll sell this play to the other house. - -_Stage-keep._ Nay, good sir, don't take away the book; you'll disappoint -the company that comes to see it acted here this afternoon. - -_Bayes._ That's all one, I must reserve this comfort to myself, my play -and I shall go together; we will not part, indeed, sir. - -_Stage-keep._ But what will the town say, sir? - -_Bayes._ The town! why, what care I for the town? Egad, the town has us'd -me as scurvily as the players have done: but I'll be reveng'd on them -too; for I'll lampoon 'em all. And since they will not admit of my plays, -they shall know what a satirist I am. And so farewell to this stage, -egad, for ever. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - -_Enter_ PLAYERS. - -_1st Play._ Come, then, let's set up bills for another play. - -_2nd Play._ Ay, ay; we shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you. - -_1st Play._ I am of your opinion. But before we go, let's see Haynes and -Shirley practise the last dance; for that may serve us another time. - -_2nd Play._ I'll call 'em in: I think they are but in the tyring-room. - - [_The dance done._] - -_1st Play._ Come, come; let's go away to dinner. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUE. - - The play is at an end, but where's the plot? - That circumstance our poet Bayes forgot. - And we can boast, tho' 'tis a plotting age, - No place is freer from it than the stage. - The ancients plotted, tho', and strove to please - With sense that might be understood with ease; - They every scene with so much wit did store, - That who brought any in, went out with more. - But this new way of wit does so surprise, - Men lose their wits in wond'ring where it lies. - If it be true, that monstrous births presage - The following mischiefs that afflict the age, - And sad disasters to the state proclaim; - Plays without head or tail may do the same. - Wherefore for ours, and for the kingdom's peace, - May this prodigious way of writing cease. - Let's have at least, once in our lives, a time - When we may hear some reason, not all rhyme. - We have this ten years felt its influence; - Pray let this prove a year of prose and sense. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: The usual language of the Honourable Edward Howard, Esq., at -the rehearsal of his plays.] - -[Footnote 2: - - He who writ this, not without pain and thought, - From French and English theatres has brought - Th' exactest rules, by which a play is wrought. - The unity of action, place, and time; - The scenes unbroken; and a mingled chime, - Of Johnson's humour, with Corneille's rhyme. - _Prologue to the Maiden Queen._ -] - -[Footnote 3: See the two prologues to the "Maiden Queen."] - -[Footnote 4: There were printed papers given the audience before the -acting the "Indian Emperor;" telling them that it was the sequel of the -"Indian Queen," part of which play was written by Mr. Bayes, &c.] - -[Footnote 5: "Persons, egad, I vow to Gad, and all that," is the constant -style of Failer in the "Wild Gallant:" for which, take this short speech, -instead of many: - -"_Failer._ Really, madam, I look upon you, as a person of such worth, and -all that, that I vow to Gad, I honour you of all persons in the world; -and tho' I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, -madam, yet for a person of your worth and excellency I would," &c.--"Wild -Gallant," p. 8.] - -[Footnote 6: He contracted with the King's company of actors, in the year -1668, for a whole share, to write them four plays a year.] - -[Footnote 7: In ridicule of this: - - "So two kind turtles, when a storm is nigh, - Look up, and see it gathering in the sky; - Each calls his mate to shelter in the groves, - Leaving, in murmurs, their unfinish'd loves; - Perch'd on some dropping branch, they sit alone, - And coo, and hearken to each other's moan." - "Conquest of Granada," Part ii. p. 48. -] - -[Footnote 8: "I am the evening dark as night."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 9: - - "Let the men 'ware the ditches. - Maids look to their breeches, - We'll scratch them with briars and thistles."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49. -] - -[Footnote 10: Abraham Ivory had formerly been a considerable actor of -women's parts; but afterwards stupefied himself so far, with drinking -strong waters, that, before the first acting of this farce, he was fit -for nothing but to go of errands; for which, and mere charity, the -company allowed him a weekly salary.] - -[Footnote 11: - - _Drake, Sen._ "Draw up our men; - And in low whispers give our orders out." - "Play House to be Let," p. 100. - -See the "Amorous Prince," pp. 20, 22, 39, 69, where all the chief -commands, and directions, are given in whispers.] - -[Footnote 12: Mr. William Wintershull was a most excellent, judicious -actor; and the best instructor of others; he died in July, 1679.] - -[Footnote 13: He was a great taker of snuff; and made most of it himself.] - -[Footnote 14: "The Lost Lady," by Sir Robert Stapleton.] - -[Footnote 15: Compare this with Prince Leonidas in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 16: In imitation of this passage:-- - - "As some fair tulip, by a storm opprest, - Shrinks up, and folds its silken arms to rest; - And, bending to the blast, all pale, and dead, - Hears from within the wind sing round its head: - So shrouded up your beauty disappears; - Unveil, my love, and lay aside your fears: - The storm, that caus'd your fright, is past and gone." - -"Conquest of Granada," Part i. p. 55.] - -[Footnote 17: Such easy turns of state are frequent in our modern plays; -where we see princes dethroned, and governments changed, by very feeble -means, and on slight occasions: particularly in "Marriage A-la-mode;" -a play writ since the first publication of this farce. Where (to pass -by the dulness of the state-part, the obscurity of the comic, the near -resemblance Leonidas bears to our Prince Prettyman, being sometimes a -king's son, sometimes a shepherd's; and not to question how Amalthea -comes to be a princess, her brother, the king's great favourite, being -but a lord) it is worth our while to observe, how easily the fierce and -jealous usurper is deposed, and the right heir placed on the throne; and -it is thus related by the said imaginary princess:-- - - "_Amalth._ Oh, gentlemen! if you have loyalty, - Or courage, show it now. Leonidas, - Broke on a sudden from his guards, and snatching - A sword from one, his back against the scaffold, - Bravely defends himself; and owns aloud - He is our long lost king, found for this moment; - But, if your valours help not, lost for ever. - Two of his guards mov'd by the sense of virtue, - Are turn'd for him; and there they stand at bay, - Against a host of foes."--"Marriage A-la-mode," p. 61. - -This shows Mr. Bayes to be a man of constancy, and firm to his -resolution, and not to be laughed out of his own method; agreeable to -what he says in the next act: "As long as I know my things are good, what -care I what they say?"] - -[Footnote 18: - - "I know not what to say, or what to think! - I know not when I sleep, or when I wake!"-- - "Love and Friendship," p. 46. - - "My doubts and fears my reason do dismay: - I know not what to do, or what to say."--"Pandora," p. 46. -] - -[Footnote 19: Prince Prettyman and Tom Thimble; Failer, and Bibber his -tailor, in the "Wild Gallant," pp. 5, 6.] - -[Footnote 20: "Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste. The courtiers -are not so forward to pay their debts."--"Wild Gallant," p. 9.] - -[Footnote 21: - - "Take a little Bibber, - And throw him in the river; - And if he will trust never, - Then there let him lie ever. - - _Bibber._ Then say I, - Take a little Failer, - And throw him to the jailer, - And there let him lie - Till he has paid his tailor."--"Wild Gallant," p. 12. -] - -[Footnote 22: A great word with Mr. Edward Howard.] - -[Footnote 23: In imitation of this:-- - - "On seas, and in battles, through bullets and fire, - The danger is less, than in hopeless desire; - My death's wound you gave me, tho' far off I bear - My fall from your sight, not to cost you a tear: - But if the kind flood on a wave would convey, - And under your window my body would lay; - When the wound on my breast you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, it was given by me." - -This is the latter part of a song, made by Mr. Bayes on the death of -Captain Digby, son of George, Earl of Bristol, who was a passionate -admirer of the Duchess Dowager of Richmond, called by the author Armida. -He lost his life in a sea-fight against the Dutch, the 28th of May, 1672.] - -[Footnote 24: Mr. Edward Howard's words.] - -[Footnote 25: See the two kings in "The Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 26: "_Albert._ Curtius. I've something to deliver to your ear. - -_Cur._ Anything from Alberto is welcome."--"Amorous Prince," p. 39.] - -[Footnote 27: See the Prince in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 28: "Let my horses be brought ready to the door, for I'll go -out of town this evening. - - Into the country I'll with speed, - With hounds and hawks my fancy feed, &c. - Now I'll away, a country life - Shall be my mistress, and my wife." - - "English Monsieur," pp. 36, 38, 39. -] - -[Footnote 29: "And what's this maid's name?"--"English Monsieur," p. 40.] - -[Footnote 30: "I bring the morning pictur'd in a cloud."--"Siege of -Rhodes," part i. p. 10.] - -[Footnote 31: "Mr. Comely in love."--"English Monsieur," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 32: Sir William D'Avenant's play of "Love and Honour."] - -[Footnote 33: "But honours says not so."--"Siege of Rhodes," part i. p. -19.] - -[Footnote 34: "Love in a Nunnery," p. 34.] - -[Footnote 35: Col. Henry Howard, son of Thomas, Earl of Berkshire, made -a play called the "United Kingdoms," which began with a funeral; and -had also two kings in it. This gave the duke a just occasion to set up -two kings in Brentford, as it is generally believed; tho' others are of -opinion, that his grace had our two brothers, King Charles and the Duke -of York, in his thoughts. It was acted at the Cockpit, in Drury Lane, -soon after the Restoration; but miscarrying on the stage, the author had -the modesty not to print it; and therefore, the reader cannot reasonably -expect any particular passages of it. Others say, that they are Boabdelin -and Abdalla, the two contending kings of Granada; and Mr. Dryden has, in -most of his serious plays, two contending kings of the same place.] - -[Footnote 36: "Conquest of Granada," in two parts.] - -[Footnote 37: - - "On seas I bore thee, and on seas I died, - I died: and for a winding-sheet, a wave - I had; and all the ocean for my grave." - - "Conquest of Granada," part ii. p. 113. -] - -[Footnote 38: Almanzor in the "Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 39: In ridicule of this:-- - - "My earthly part, - Which is my tyrant's right, death will remove; - I'll come all soul and spirit to your love. - With silent steps I'll follow you all day; - Or else before you in the sunbeams play. - I'll lead you hence to melancholy groves, - And there repeat the scenes of our past loves; - At night, I will within your curtains peep, - With empty arms embrace you, while you sleep. - In gentle dreams I often will be by, - And sweep along before your closing eye. - All dangers from your bed I will remove; - But guard it most from any future love. - And when at last in pity you will die, - I'll watch your birth of immortality: - Then, turtle like, I'll to my mate repair, - And teach you your first flight in open air."--"Tyrannic Love," p. 25. -] - -[Footnote 40: See the scene in the "Villain." Where the host furnishes -his guests with a collation out of his clothes; a capon from his helmet, -a tansey out of the lining of his cap, cream out of his scabbard, &c.] - -[Footnote 41: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Almah._ Who dares to interrupt my private walk? - - _Alman._ He who dares love, and for that love must die; - And, knowing this, dares yet love on, am I." - - "Granada," part ii. pp. 114, 115. -] - -[Footnote 42: It was at first, "dares die."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 43: - - "_Alman._ I would not now, if thou wouldst beg me, stay; - But I will take my Almahide away."--"Conquest of Granada," p. 32. -] - -[Footnote 44: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Alman._ Thou dar'st not marry her, while I'm in sight; - With a bent brow, thy priest and thee I'll fright: - And, in that scene, which all thy hopes and wishes should content, - The thoughts of me shall make thee impotent."--_Ibid._ p. 5. -] - -[Footnote 45: - - "Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair; - And all this I can do, because I dare."--"Tyrannic Love," part ii. - p. 89. -] - -[Footnote 46: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Max._ Thou liest. There's not a god inhabits there, - But, for this Christian, would all heaven forswear: - Even Jove would try new shapes her love to win, - And in new birds, and unknown beasts would sin; - At least, if Jove could love like Maximin."-- - -"Tyrannic Love," p. 17.] - -[Footnote 47: - - "Some god now, if he dare relate what pass'd; - Say, but he's dead, that god shall mortal be."--_Ibid._ p. 7. - - "Provoke my rage no farther, lest I be - Reveng'd at once upon the gods, and thee."--_Ibid._ p. 8. - - "What had the gods to do with me, or mine."--_Ibid._ p. 57. -] - -[Footnote 48: - - "Poets, like lovers, should be bold, and dare; - They spoil their business with an over-care: - And he, who servilely creeps after sense, - Is safe; but ne'er can reach to excellence."-- - - "Prologue to Tyrannic Love." -] - -[Footnote 49: - - "What various noises do my ears invade; - And have a concert of confusion made?"--"Siege of Rhodes," p. 4. -] - -[Footnote 50: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Naker._ Hark, my Damilcar, we are call'd below. - - _Dam._ Let us go, let us go: - Go to relieve the care, - Of longing lovers in despair. - - _Naker._ Merry, merry, merry, we sail from the east, - Half tippled at a rainbow feast. - - _Dam._ In the bright moonshine, while winds whistle loud, - Tivy, tivy, tivy, we mount and we fly, - All racking along in a downy white cloud; - And lest our leap from the sky should prove too far, - We slide on the back of a new-falling star. - - _Naker._ And drop from above, - In a jelly of love. - - _Dam._ But now the sun's down, and the element's red, - The spirits of fire against us make head. - - _Naker._ They muster, they muster, like gnats in the air: - Alas! I must leave thee, my fair; - And to my light-horsemen repair. - - _Dam._ O stay! for you need not to fear 'em to-night; - The wind is for us, and blows full in their sight: - And o'er the wide ocean we fight. - Like leaves in the autumn, our foes will fall down, - And hiss in the water.... - - _Both._ And hiss in the water, and drown. - - _Naker._ But their men lie securely intrench'd in a cloud, - And a trumpeter-hornet to battle sounds loud. - - _Dam._ Now mortals that spy - How we tilt in the sky, - With wonder will gaze; - And fear such events as will ne'er come to pass. - - _Naker._ Stay you to perform what the man will have done. - - _Dam._ Then call me again when the battle is won. - - _Both._ So ready and quick is a spirit of air, - To pity the lover, and succour the fair, - That silent and swift, that little soft god, - Is here with a wish, and is gone with a nod."-- - - "Tyrannic Love," pp. 24, 25. -] - -[Footnote 51: See "Tyrannic Love," act iv. sc. 1.] - -[Footnote 52: In ridicule of this:-- - - "What new misfortunes do these cries presage? - - _1st Mess._ Haste all you can, their fury to assuage: - You are not safe from their rebellious rage. - - _2nd Mess._ This minute, if you grant not their desire, - They'll seize your person, and your palace fire."-- - "Granada," part ii. p. 71. -] - -[Footnote 53: "Aglaura," and the "Vestal Virgin," are so contrived by a -little alteration towards the latter end of them, that they have been -acted both ways, either as tragedies or comedies.] - -[Footnote 54: There needs nothing more to explain the meaning of this -battle, than the perusal of the first part of the "Siege of Rhodes," -which was performed in recitative music, by seven persons only: and the -passage out of the "Playhouse to be Let."] - -[Footnote 55: The "Siege of Rhodes" begins thus:-- - - "_Admiral._ Arm, arm, Valerius, arm." -] - -[Footnote 56: The third entry thus:-- - - "_Solym._ Pyrrhus, draw down our army wide; - Then, from the gross, two strong reserves divide, - And spread the wings, - As if we were to fight, - In the lost Rhodians' sight, - With all the western kings. - Each with Janizaries line; - The right and left to Haly's sons assign; - The gross, to Zangiban; - The main artillery - To Mustapha shall be: - Bring thou the rear, we lead the van." -] - -[Footnote 57: - - "More pikes! more pikes! to reinforce - That squadron, and repulse the horse."--"Playhouse to be Let," p. 72. -] - -[Footnote 58: - - "Point all the cannon, and play fast; - Their fury is too hot to last. - That rampire shakes; they fly into the town. - - _Pyr._ March up with those reserves to that redoubt; - Faint slaves, the Janizaries reel! - They bend! they bend! and seem to feel - The terrors of a rout. - - _Must._ Old Zanger halts, and reinforcement lacks. - - _Pyr._ March on! - - _Must._ Advance those pikes, and charge their backs."--"Siege of - Rhodes." -] - -[Footnote 59: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Phoeb._ Who calls the world's great light! - - _Aur._ Aurora, that abhors the night. - - _Phoeb._ Why does Aurora, from her cloud, - To drowsy Phoebus cry so loud?"-- - "Slighted Maid," p. 8. -] - -[Footnote 60: "The burning mount Vesuvio."--"Slighted Maid," p. 81.] - -[Footnote 61: "Drink, drink wine, Lippara wine."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 62: Valeria, daughter to Maximin, having killed herself for -the love of Porphyrius; when she was to be carried off by the bearers, -strikes one of them a box on the ear, and speaks to him thus:-- - - "Hold, are you mad, confounded dog? - I am to rise, and speak the epilogue."--"Tyrannic Love." -] - - - - -THE SPLENDID SHILLING. - - "Sing, heavenly Muse, - Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme, - A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire." - - - Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, - In silken, or in leathern purse retains - A Splendid Shilling. He nor hears with pain - New oysters cry'd, nor sighs for cheerful ale; - But with his friends when nightly mists arise, - To Juniper's Magpye, or Town Hall[63] repairs: - Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye - Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames, - Cloe, or Philips, he each circling glass - Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love. - Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale, - Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint. - But I, whom griping penury surrounds, - And hunger, sure attendant upon want, - With scanty offals, and small acid tiff, - Wretched repast! my meagre corps sustain: - Then solitary walk, or doze at home - In garret vile, and with a warming puff - Regale chill'd fingers; or from tube as black - As winter-chimney, or well polish'd jet, - Exhale Mundungus, ill perfuming scent: - Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size - Smokes Cambro-Briton, vers'd in pedigree, - Sprung from Cadwalador and Arthur, kings - Full famous in romantic tale, when he - O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff, - Upon a cargo of fam'd Cestrian cheese, - High over-shadowing rides, with a design - To vend his wares, or at th' Arvonian mart, - Or Maridunum, or the ancient town - Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream - Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil! - Whence flows nectareous wine, that well may vie - With Massic, Setin, or renown'd Falern. - Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow - With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun, - Horrible monster! hated by gods and men, - To my aërial citadel ascends. - With vocal heel, thrice thund'ring at my gate, - With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know - The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound. - What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd, - Confounded to the dark recess I fly - Of woodhole; straight my bristling hairs erect - Thro' sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews - My shudd'ring limbs, and, wonderful to tell! - My tongue forgets her faculty of speech; - So horrible he seems! his faded brow - Entrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard, - And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints, - Disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand - Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves, - With characters and figures dire inscrib'd, - Grievous to mortal eyes; ye gods avert - Such plagues from righteous men! Behind him stalks - Another monster not unlike himself, - Sullen of aspect, by the vulgar call'd - A Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods - With force incredible and magic charms - First have endu'd: if he his ample palm - Should haply on ill-fated shoulder lay - Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch - Obsequious as whilom knights were wont, - To some enchanted castle is convey'd, - Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains - In durance strict detain him till, in form - Of money, Pallas sets the captive free. - Beware, ye debtors, when ye walk, beware! - Be circumspect; oft with insidious ken - This caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft - Lies perdue in a nook or gloomy cave, - Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch - With his unhallow'd touch. So, poets sing, - Grimalkin to domestic vermin sworn - An everlasting foe, with watchful eye - Lies nightly brooding o'er a chinky gap, - Protending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice - Sure ruin. So her disembowell'd web - Arachne in a hall, or kitchen, spreads, - Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands - Within her woven cell; the humming prey, - Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils - Inextricable, nor will aught avail - Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue; - The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone, - And butterfly proud of expanded wings - Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares, - Useless resistance make: with eager strides, - She tow'ring flies to her expected spoils; - Then, with envenom'd jaws the vital blood - Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave - Their bulky carcasses triumphant drags. - So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades - This world envelop, and th' inclement air - Persuades men to repel benumbing frosts - With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood; - Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light - Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk - Of loving friend delights; distress'd, forlorn, - Amidst the horrors of the tedious night, - Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts - My anxious mind, or sometimes mournful verse - Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades, - Or desp'rate lady near a purling stream, - Or lover pendant on a willow-tree. - Meanwhile I labour with eternal drought, - And restless wish, and rave, my parchéd throat - Finds no relief, nor heavy eyes repose: - But if a slumber haply does invade - My weary limbs, my fancy's still awake, - Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream, - Tipples imaginary pots of ale, - In vain; awake I find the settled thirst - Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse. - Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarr'd, - Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays - Mature, John Apple, nor the downy Peach, - Nor Walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure, - Nor Medlar fruit delicious in decay: - Afflictions great! yet greater still remains. - My Galligaskins that have long withstood - The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts, - By time subdu'd, what will not time subdue! - An horrid chasm disclos'd with orifice - Wide, discontinuous; at which the winds - Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force - Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves, - Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts, - Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship, - Long sail'd secure, or thro' th' Ægean deep, - Or the Ionian, till cruising near - The Lilybean shore, with hideous crush - On Scylla, or Charybdis, dang'rous rocks! - She strikes rebounding, whence the shatter'd oak, - So fierce a shock unable to withstand, - Admits the sea; in at the gaping side - The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage, - Resistless, overwhelming; horrors seize - The mariners, death in their eyes appears, - They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray; - Vain efforts! still the batt'ring waves rush in, - Implacable, till delug'd by the foam, - The ship sinks found'ring in the vast abyss. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 63: Two noted alehouses in Oxford, 1700.] - - - - -TWO "ODES." - -BY AMBROSE PHILIPS, ESQ., - -_From among those which suggested the next following Burlesque._ - - -TO MISS MARGARET PULTENEY, DAUGHTER OF DANIEL PULTENEY, ESQ., IN THE -NURSERY. - - _April_ 27, 1727. - - Dimply damsel, sweetly smiling, - All caressing, none beguiling, - Bud of beauty, fairly blowing, - Every charm to nature owing, - This and that new thing admiring, - Much of this and that enquiring, - Knowledge by degrees attaining, - Day by day some virtue gaining, - Ten years hence, when I leave chiming, - Beardless poets, fondly rhyming - (Fescu'd now, perhaps, in spelling), - On thy riper beauties dwelling, - Shall accuse each killing feature - Of the cruel, charming creature, - Whom I knew complying, willing, - Tender, and averse to killing. - - -TO MISS CHARLOTTE PULTENEY, IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS. - - _May_ 1, 1724. - - Timely blossom, infant fair, - Fondling of a happy pair, - Every morn, and every night, - Their solicitous delight, - Sleeping, waking, still at ease, - Pleasing, without skill to please, - Little gossip, blithe and hale, - Tatling many a broken tale, - Singing many a tuneless song, - Lavish of a heedless tongue, - Simple maiden, void of art, - Babbling out the very heart, - Yet abandon'd to thy will, - Yet imagining no ill, - Yet too innocent to blush, - Like the linlet in the bush, - To the mother-linnet's note - Moduling her slender throat, - Chirping forth thy petty joys, - Wanton in the change of toys, - Like the linnet green, in May, - Flitting to each bloomy spray, - Wearied then, and glad of rest, - Like the linlet in the nest. - This thy present happy lot, - This, in time, will be forgot. - Other pleasures, other cares, - Ever-busy time prepares; - And thou shalt in thy daughter see, - This picture, once, resembled thee. - - - - -NAMBY PAMBY: - -OR, A PANEGYRIC ON THE NEW VERSIFICATION ADDRESSED TO A---- P----, ESQ. - - "Nauty Pauty Jack-a-dandy - Stole a piece of sugar-candy - From the Grocer's shoppy-shop, - And away did hoppy-hop." - - - All ye poets of the age, - All ye witlings of the stage, - Learn your jingles to reform: - Crop your numbers, and conform: - Let your little verses flow - Gently, sweetly, row by row. - Let the verse the subject fit, - Little subject, little wit. - Namby Pamby is your guide, - Albion's joy, Hibernia's pride. - Namby Pamby Pilli-pis, - Rhimy pim'd on missy-mis; - Tartaretta Tartaree - From the navel to the knee; - That her father's gracy-grace - Might give him a placy-place. - He no longer writes of mammy - Andromache and her lammy, - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest. - Now the venal poet sings - Baby clouts, and baby things, - Baby dolls and baby houses, - Little misses, little spouses; - Little playthings, little toys, - Little girls, and little boys. - As an actor does his part, - So the nurses get by heart - Namby Pamby's little rhymes, - Little jingle, little chimes. - Namby Pamby ne'er will die - While the nurse sings lullaby. - Namby Pamby's doubly mild, - Once a man, and twice a child; - To his hanging-sleeves restor'd, - Now he foots it like a lord; - Now he pumps his little wits, - All by little tiny bits. - Now methinks I hear him say, - Boys and girls, come out to play, - Moon does shine as bright as day. - Now my Namby Pamby's found - Sitting on the Friar's ground, - Picking silver, picking gold, - Namby Pamby's never old. - Bally-cally they begin, - Namby Pamby still keeps in. - Namby Pamby is no clown, - London Bridge is broken down: - Now he courts the gay ladee, - Dancing o'er the Lady-lee: - Now he sings of lick-spit liar - Burning in the brimstone fire; - Liar, liar, lick-spit, lick, - Turn about the candle-stick. - Now he sings of Jacky Horner - Sitting in the chimney corner, - Eating of a Christmas pie, - Putting in his thumb, oh, fie! - Putting in, oh, fie! his thumb, - Pulling out, oh, strange! a plum. - Now he acts the Grenadier, - Calling for a pot of beer. - Where's his money? he's forgot, - Get him gone, a drunken sot. - Now on cock-horse does he ride; - And anon on timber stride, - See-and-saw and Sacch'ry down, - London is a gallant town. - Now he gathers riches in - Thicker, faster, pin by pin. - Pins apiece to see his show, - Boys and girls flock row by row; - From their clothes the pins they take, - Risk a whipping for his sake; - From their frocks the pins they pull, - To fill Namby's cushion full. - So much wit at such an age, - Does a genius great presage. - Second childhood gone and past, - Should he prove a man at last, - What must second manhood be, - In a child so bright as he! - Guard him, ye poetic powers, - Watch his minutes, watch his hours: - Let your tuneful Nine inspire him, - Let poetic fury fire him: - Let the poets one and all - To his genius victims fall. - - - - -A WORD UPON PUDDING. - - _From_ "A LEARNED DISSERTATION UPON DUMPLING," _to which the - preceding Poem was appended_. - - -What is a tart, a pie, or a pasty, but meat or fruit enclos'd in a -wall or covering of pudding? What is a cake, but a bak'd pudding; or a -Christmas pie, but a minc'd-meat pudding? As for cheese-cakes, custards, -tansies, &c., they are manifest puddings, and all of Sir John's own -contrivance; custard being as old, if not older, than Magna Charta. In -short, pudding is of the greatest dignity and antiquity; bread itself, -which is the very staff of life, being, properly speaking, a bak'd wheat -pudding. - -To the satchel, which is the pudding-bag of ingenuity, we are indebted -for the greatest men in church and state. All arts and sciences owe -their original to pudding or dumpling. What is a bagpipe, the mother of -all music, but a pudding of harmony? Or what is music itself, but a -palatable cookery of sounds? To little puddings or bladders of colours we -owe all the choice originals of the greatest painters. And indeed, what -is painting, but a well-spread pudding, or cookery of colours? - -The head of man is like a pudding. And whence have all rhymes, poems, -plots, and inventions sprang, but from that same pudding? What is -poetry, but a pudding of words? The physicians, tho' they cry out so -much against cooks and cookery, yet are but cooks themselves; with this -difference only, the cooks' pudding lengthens life, the physicians' -shortens it. So that we live and die by pudding. For what is a clyster, -but a bag-pudding? a pill, but a dumpling? or a bolus, but a tansy, tho' -not altogether so toothsome? In a word: physic is only a puddingizing or -cookery of drugs. - - The law is but a - cookery of quibbles and contentions,[64] * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * * is but a pudding of * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * Some swallow everything whole and unmix'd; - -so that it may rather be call'd a heap than a pudding. Others are so -squeamish, the greatest mastership in cookery is requir'd to make the -pudding palatable. The suet which others gape and swallow by gobs, must -for these puny stomachs be minced to atoms; the plums must be pick'd -with the utmost care, and every ingredient proportion'd to the greatest -nicety, or it will never go down. - -The universe itself is but a pudding of elements. Empires, kingdoms, -states and republics, are but puddings of people differently made up. The -celestial and terrestrial orbs are decipher'd to us by a pair of globes -or mathematical puddings. - -The success of war and fate of monarchies are entirely dependent on -puddings and dumplings. For what else are cannonballs but military -puddings? or bullets, but dumplings; with this difference only, they do -not sit so well on the stomach as a good marrow pudding or bread pudding. - -In short, there is nothing valuable in art or nature, but what, more -or less, has an allusion to pudding or dumpling. Why, then, should -they be held in disesteem? Why should dumpling-eating be ridiculed, -or dumpling-eaters derided? Is it not pleasant and profitable? Is it -not ancient and honourable? Kings, princes, and potentates have in all -ages been lovers of pudding. Is it not, therefore, of royal authority? -Popes, cardinals, bishops, priests and deacons, have, time out of mind, -been great pudding-eaters. Is it not, therefore, a holy and religious -institution? Philosophers, poets, and learned men in all faculties, -judges, privy councillors, and members of both houses, have, by their -great regard to pudding, given a sanction to it that nothing can efface. -Is it not, therefore, ancient, honourable, and commendable? - - Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores? - -Why do, therefore, the enemies of good eating, the starveling -authors of Grub Street, employ their impotent pens against pudding -and pudding-headed, _alias_ honest men? Why do they inveigh against -dumpling-eating, which is the life and soul of good-fellowship; and -dumpling-eaters, who are the ornaments of civil society? - -But, alas! their malice is their own punishment. The hireling author -of a late scandalous libel, intituled, "The Dumpling-Eaters Downfall," -may, if he has any eyes, now see his error, in attacking so numerous, so -august, a body of people. His books remain unsold, unread, unregarded; -while this treatise of mine shall be bought by all who love pudding or -dumpling; to my bookseller's great joy, and my no small consolation. How -shall I triumph, and how will that mercenary scribbler be mortified, -when I have sold more editions of my books than he has copies of his? -I, therefore, exhort all people, gentle and simple, men, women, and -children, to buy, to read, to extol these labours of mine, for the honour -of dumpling-eating. Let them not fear to defend every article; for I will -bear them harmless. I have arguments good store, and can easily confute, -either logically, theologically, or metaphysically, all those who dare -oppose me. - -Let not Englishmen, therefore, be ashamed of the name of Pudding-eaters; -but, on the contrary, let it be their glory. For let foreigners cry out -ne'er so much against good eating, they come easily into it when they -have been a little while in our land of Canaan; and there are very few -foreigners among us who have not learn'd to make as great a hole in a -good pudding, or sirloin of beef, as the best Englishman of us all. - -Why should we then be laughed out of pudding and dumpling? or why -ridicul'd out of good living? Plots and politics may hurt us, but pudding -cannot. Let us, therefore, adhere to pudding, and keep ourselves out -of harm's way; according to the golden rule laid down by a celebrated -dumpling-eater now defunct: - - "Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says: - Sleep very much; think little, and talk less: - Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong; - But eat your pudding, fool, and hold your tongue."--PRIOR. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 64: The cat ran away with this part of the copy, on which the -Author had unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump's sausages.] - - - - -THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT. - -WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. - -FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731. - - -H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, HIS PREFACE. - -The town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than concerning the -merit of the following scenes. Whilst some publicly affirm that no author -could produce so fine a piece but Mr. P----, others have with as much -vehemence insisted that no one could write anything so bad but Mr. F----. - -Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when the learned -world have not unanimously decided even the very nature of this tragedy. -For though most of the universities in Europe have honoured it with the -name of "Egregium et maximi pretii opus, tragoediis tam antiquis quà m -novis longè anteponendum;" nay, Dr. B---- hath pronounced, "Citiùs Mævii -Æneadem quà m Scribleri istius tragoediam hanc crediderim, cujus autorem -Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud dubitârim:" and the great Professor Burman -hath styled Tom Thumb "Heroum omnium tragicorum facilè principem;" nay, -though it hath, among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and -celebrated with great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never came) -by the title of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters received it with -that reverent and silent attention which becometh an audience at a deep -tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there have not been wanting some who -have represented these scenes in a ludicrous light; and Mr. D---- hath -been heard to say, with some concern, that he wondered a tragical and -Christian nation would permit a representation on its theatre so visibly -designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great and solemn -among us. - -This learned critic and his followers were led into so great an error -by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last year into -the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our author will be -acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall happily peruse this genuine -and original copy. Nor can I help remarking, to the great praise of -our author, that, however imperfect the former was, even that faint -resemblance of the true Tom Thumb contained sufficient beauties to -give it a run of upwards of forty nights to the politest audiences. -But, notwithstanding that applause which it received from all the best -judges, it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, and, I believe -rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have been intended a -burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and designed to banish what -we generally call fine things from the stage. - -Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, I -shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. And this I the rather -undertake, first, as it is indeed in some measure incumbent on me to -vindicate myself from that surreptitious copy before mentioned, published -by some ill-meaning people under my name; secondly, as knowing myself -more capable of doing justice to our author than any other man, as I -have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough understanding of -this little piece, having for ten years together read nothing else; in -which time, I think, I may modestly presume, with the help of my English -dictionary, to comprehend all the meanings of every word in it. - -But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to enlighten -the world with his annotations on our author, I shall not think that the -least reward or happiness arising to me from these my endeavours. - -I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the learned -world, whether this piece was originally written by Shakespeare, though -certainly that, were it true, must add a considerable share to its merit, -especially with such who are so generous as to buy and commend what they -never read, from an implicit faith in the author only: a faith which our -age abounds in as much as it can be called deficient in any other. - -Let it suffice, that "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, The Life and Death -of Tom Thumb," was written in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Nor can -the objection made by Mr. D----, that the tragedy must then have been -antecedent to the history, have any weight, when we consider that, -though "The History of Tom Thumb" printed by and for Edward M--r, at the -Looking-glass on London Bridge, be of a later date, still must we suppose -this history to have been transcribed from some other, unless we suppose -the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very faintly contended for by -the writers of our age. As to this history's not bearing the stamp of -second, third, or fourth edition, I see but little in that objection; -editions being very uncertain lights to judge of books by: and perhaps -Mr. M--r may have joined twenty editions in one, as Mr. C--l hath ere now -divided one into twenty. - -Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our author hath -taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry any greater force. -Are there not instances of plays wherein the history is so perverted, -that we can know the heroes whom they celebrate by no other marks than -their names? nay, do we not find the same character placed by different -poets in such different lights, that we can discover not the least -sameness, or even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba of Mairet and -of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of Massinissa: Corneille -and Mr. Thomson give her no other passion but the love of her country, -and make her as cool in her affection to Massinissa as to Syphax. In the -two latter she resembles the character of Queen Elizabeth; in the two -former she is the picture of Mary Queen of Scotland. In short, the one -Sophonisba is as different from the other as the Brutus of Voltaire is -from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or as the Minerva is from the Venus of -the ancients. - -Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy before us, in -which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the Moral, the Characters, -the Sentiments, and the Diction. And first of the Fable; which I take -to be the most simple imaginable; and, to use the words of an eminent -author, "one, regular, and uniform, not charged with a multiplicity of -incidents, and yet affording several revolutions of fortune, by which -the passions may be excited, varied, and driven to their full tumult of -emotion." Nor is the action of this tragedy less great than uniform. The -spring of all is the love of Tom Thumb for Huncamunca; which caused the -quarrel between their majesties in the first act; the passion of Lord -Grizzle in the second; the rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, -devouring of Tom Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the -third. - -Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the Fable; -it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human happiness is -exceeding transient, and that death is the certain end of all men: the -former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end of Tom Thumb; the latter, -by that of all the other personages. - -The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the _dramatis -personæ_; and I believe we shall find few plays where greater care is -taken to maintain them throughout, and to preserve in every speech that -characteristical mark which distinguishes them from each other. "But," -says Mr. D----, "how well doth the character of Tom Thumb (whom we -must call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero) agree with -the precepts of Aristotle, who defineth, 'tragedy to be the imitation -of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness in itself?' -&c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history related to have been -no higher than a span?" This gentleman seemeth to think, with Serjeant -Kite, that the greatness of a man's soul is in proportion to that of his -body, the contrary of which is affirmed by our English physiognominical -writers. Besides, if I understand Aristotle right, he speaketh only of -the greatness of the action, and not of the person. - -As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain to be -spoken to, I thought I could afford them no stronger justification than -by producing parallel passages out of the best of our English writers. -Whether this sameness of thought and expression which I have quoted from -them proceeded from an agreement in their way of thinking, or whether -they have borrowed from our author, I leave the reader to determine. I -shall adventure to affirm this of the Sentiments of our author, that -they are generally the most familiar which I have ever met with, and -at the same time delivered with the highest dignity of phrase; which -brings me to speak of his diction. Here I shall only beg one postulatum, -viz., that the greatest perfection of the language of a tragedy is, that -it is not to be understood; which granted (as I think it must be), it -will necessarily follow that the only way to avoid this is by being too -high or too low for the understanding, which will comprehend everything -within its reach. Those two extremities of style Mr. Dryden illustrates -by the familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aërial and the -subterrestrial. - -Horace goes further, and showeth when it is proper to call at one of -these inns, and when at the other:-- - - Telephus et Peleus, cùm pauper et exul uterque, - Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba. - -That he approveth of the _sesquipedalia verba_ is plain; for, had not -Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, they could -not have dropped it in adversity. The aërial inn, therefore (says -Horace), is proper only to be frequented by princes and other great men -in the highest affluence of fortune; the subterrestrial is appointed for -the entertainment of the poorer sort of people only, whom Horace advises, - - --dolere sermone pedestri. - -The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the proper -language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which is literally -implied in the _sermo pedestris_, as the former is in the _sesquipedalia -verba_. - -Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tam furiosum vel -tragicum quà m verborum sonitus inanis, nullâ subjectâ sententiâ neque -scientiâ." What can be so proper for tragedy as a set of big sounding -words, so contrived together as to convey no meaning? which I shall -one day or other prove to be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth -absolutely for the latter inn: - - Omne genus scripti gravitate tragoedia vincit. - -Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; which is -the profound of Scriblerus. - -I shall not presume to determine which of these two styles be properer -for tragedy. It sufficeth that our author excelleth in both. He is -very rarely within sight through the whole play, either rising higher -than the eye of your understanding can soar, or sinking lower than it -careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps be observed that I have given -more frequent instances of authors who have imitated him in the sublime -than in the contrary. To which I answer, first, bombast being properly -a redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in poets whose -names do more honour to our author than the writers in the doggrel, -which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of thinking. Instances -whereof are most frequently to be found in authors of a lower class. -Secondly, that the works of such authors are difficultly found at all. -Thirdly, that it is a very hard task to read them, in order to extract -these flowers from them. And lastly, it is very difficult to transplant -them at all; they being like some flowers of a very nice nature, which -will flourish in no soil but their own: for it is easy to transcribe a -thought, but not the want of one. The "Earl of Essex," for instance, is -a little garden of choice rarities, whence you can scarce transplant one -line so as to preserve its original beauty. This must account to the -reader for his missing the names of several of his acquaintance, which -he had certainly found here, had I ever read their works; for which, -if I have not a just esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quæ non -contemno, quippè quæ nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may meet -with due satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator from -the university, who is reading over all the modern tragedies, at five -shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they have stole from our -author, which shall be shortly added as an appendix to this work. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - -KING ARTHUR, _a passionate sort of king, husband to_ QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, -_of whom he stands a little in fear: father to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _whom he is -very fond of and in love with_ GLUMDALCA. - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT, _a little hero with a great soul, something violent -in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -GHOST OF GAFFER THUMB, _a whimsical sort of ghost_. - -LORD GRIZZLE, _extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very -choleric in his temper, and in love with_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -MERLIN, _a conjuror, and in some sort father to_ TOM THUMB. - -NOODLE, DOODLE, _courtiers in place, and consequently of that party that -is uppermost_. - -FOODLE, _a courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party -that is undermost_. - -BAILIFF, AND FOLLOWER, _of the party of the plaintiff_. - -PARSON, _of the side of the church_. - -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _wife to_ KING ARTHUR, _and mother to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _a -woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink, a -little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with_ TOM THUMB. - -THE PRINCESS HUNCAMUNCA, _daughter to their_ MAJESTIES KING ARTHUR _and_ -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, -equally in love with_ LORD GRIZZLE _and_ TOM THUMB, _and desirous to be -married to them both_. - -GLUMDALCA, _of the giants, a captive queen, beloved by the king, but in -love with_ TOM THUMB. - -CLEORA, MUSTACHA, _maids of honour in love with_ NOODLE _and_ DOODLE. - -Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning. - - -SCENE.--THE COURT OF KING ARTHUR, AND A PLAIN THEREABOUTS. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I. - -SCENE I.--_The Palace._ - -DOODLE, NOODLE. - - _Doodle._ Sure such a day[65] as this was never seen! - The sun himself, on this auspicious day, - Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit: - This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. - All nature wears one universal grin. - - _Nood._ This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day. - Indeed!--a day, we never saw before.[66] - The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;[67] - Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, - Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall[68] - Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, - While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. - So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, - Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. - - _Dood._ When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, - The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; - Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. - - _Nood._ They tell me it is whisper'd[69] in the books - Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, - By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone - Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. - - _Dood._ Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; - Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place - Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot[70] - This mighty Tom. - - _Nood._ Sure he was sent express[71] - From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. - Though small his body be, so very small - A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, - Yet is his soul like any mountain big; - And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, - So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.[72] - - _Dood._ Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, - The giant nurses frighten children with it,[73] - And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are - Naughty, will surely take the child away. - - _Nood._ But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.[74] - - _Dood._ He comes most luckily for my petition. - [_Flourish._ - - -SCENE II. - -KING, QUEEN, GRIZZLE, NOODLE, DOODLE, FOODLE. - - _King._ Let nothing but a face of joy appear;[75] - The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, - That he may have no face to frown withal. - Smile Dollallolla--Ha! what wrinkled sorrow - Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?[76] - Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, - Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? - - _Queen._ Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,[77] - Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. - - _King._ If it be so, let all men cry for joy, - Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;[78] - Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, - And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. - - _Dood._ My liege, I a petition have here got. - - _King._ Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: - Let other hours be set apart for business. - To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.[79] - And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. - - _Queen._ (Though I already[80] half-seas over am) - If the capacious goblet overflow - With arrack punch----'fore George! I'll see it out: - Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. - - _King._ Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, - And rum and brandy be no more than six, - Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. [_Trumpets._ - But, ha! the warrior comes--the great Tom Thumb, - The little hero, giant-killing boy, - Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived. - - -SCENE III. - -TOM THUMB _to them, with_ OFFICERS, PRISONERS, _and_ ATTENDANTS. - - _King._ Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.[81] - What gratitude can thank away the debt - Your valour lays upon me? - - _Queen._ Oh! ye gods![82] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.[83] - I've done my duty, and I've done no more. - - _Queen._ Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [_Aside._ - - _King._ Thy modesty's a candle[84] to thy merit, - It shines itself, and shows thy merit too. - But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? - - _Thumb._ My liege, without the castle gates they stand, - The castle gates too low for their admittance. - - _King._ What look they like? - - _Thumb._ Like nothing but themselves. - - _Queen._ And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.[85] - [_Aside._ - - _King._ Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. - I see them--yes, I see them now before me: - The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods. - But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes? - So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn[86] - By all the gods in council: so fair she is, - That surely at her birth the council paused, - And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! - - _Thumb._ Then were the gods mistaken--she is not - A woman, but a giantess----whom we, - With much ado, have made a shift to haul[87] - Within the town: for she is by a foot[88] - Shorter than all her subject giants were. - - _Glum._ We yesterday were both a queen and wife, - One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway. - Twenty whereof were married to ourself. - - _Queen._ Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands - Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced - To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. - - _Glum._ But then to lose them all in one black day, - That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife - To twenty giants, setting should behold - Me widow'd of them all.----My worn-out heart,[89] - That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, - My soul, will quickly sink. - - _Queen._ Madam, believe - I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: - But learn to bear them with what strength you may, - To-morrow we will have our grenadiers - Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose - What husbands you think fit. - - _Glum._ Madam, I am[90] - Your most obedient and most humble servant. - - _King._ Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, - Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; - Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. - I feel a sudden pain within my breast,[91] - Nor know I whether it arise from love - Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show. - O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! - Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. - - _Thumb._ I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;[92] - I ask not money, money I've enough; - For what I've done, and what I mean to do, - For giants slain, and giants yet unborn - Which I will slay----if this be call'd a debt, - Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,-- - To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.[93] - - _King._ Prodigious bold request. - - _Queen._ Be still, my soul.[94] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,[95] - And waits its answer there.----Oh! do not frown. - I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, - But love did overwind and crack the string. - Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, YOU SHAN'T, - I should have loved her still----for oh, strange fate, - Then when I loved her least I loved her most! - - _King._ It is resolv'd--the princess is your own. - - _Thumb._ Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.[96] - - _Queen._ Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, - But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm - Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. - Let Macedonia Alexander boast, - Let Rome her Cæsars and her Scipios show, - Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, - Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, - Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. - - _Queen._ Though greater yet his boasted merit was, - He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. - - _King._ Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? - - _Queen._ I say he shan't. - - _King._ Then by our royal self we swear you lie.[97] - - _Queen._ Who but a dog, who but a dog[98] - Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain - These twenty years so loving by thy side![99] - But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. - Then tremble all who did this match persuade, - For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,[100] - And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. - - _Food._ Her majesty the queen is in a passion.[101] - - _King._ Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl[102] - And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself, - We were indeed a pretty king of clouts - To truckle to her will--for when by force - Or art the wife her husband overreaches, - Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. - - _Thumb._ Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine![103] - Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! - The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, - And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! - I've thrown the bloody garment now aside - And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. - So when some chimney-sweeper all the day - Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, - At night to wash his hands and face he flies, - And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies. - - -SCENE IV. - - _Grizzle (solus)._ Where art thou, Grizzle?[104] where are now thy - glories? - Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? - Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street, - Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, - To-morrow puts it on another's back. - The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd - His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; - Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low. - - -SCENE V. - -QUEEN, GRIZZLE. - - _Queen._ Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,[105] - Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, - Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine - To spout forth words malicious as thyself, - Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. - - _Griz._ Far be it from my pride to think my tongue - Your royal lips can in that art instruct, - Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, - Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? - - _Queen._ Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard - (What ev'ry corner of the court resounds) - That little Thumb will be a great man made? - - _Griz._ I heard it, I confess--for who, alas! - Can[106] always stop his ears?--But would my teeth, - By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! - - _Queen._ Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, - The hallalloo of fire in every street! - Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, - To think I should a grandmother be made - By such a rascal!--Sure the king forgets - When in a pudding, by his mother put, - The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile - Was dropp'd.--Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear - To see him from a pudding mount the throne? - Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear - To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? - - _Griz._ Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen. - Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.[107] - - _Queen._ Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent - This hated match. - - _Griz._ We will; nor fate itself,[108] - Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. - I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds: - I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; - I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; - Fierce as the man whom smiling[109] dolphins bore - From the prosaic to poetic shore. - I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. - - _Queen._ Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; - For, though I would not have him have my daughter, - Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants? - - _Griz._ I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; - He made the giants first, and then he killed them; - As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, - And then with hounds they drive them out again. - - _Queen._ How! have you seen no giants? Are there not - Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants? - - _Griz._ Indeed I cannot positively tell,[110] - But firmly do believe there is not one. - - _Queen._ Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; - By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb. - Go, sirrah! go, hie[111] away! hie!----thou art - A setting-dog: begone. - - _Griz._ Madam, I go. - Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. - So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - -SCENE VI. - - _Queen_ [_sola._] And whither shall I go?--Alack a day! - I love Tom Thumb--but must not tell him so; - For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? - A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; - A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live - Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. - Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;[112] - In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. - Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. - But hold!--perhaps I may be left a widow: - This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine: - In that dear hope I will forget my pain. - So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, - With beating hemp and flogging she's content; - She hopes in time to ease her present pain, - At length is free, and walks the streets again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - -SCENE I.--_The street._ - -BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Come on, my trusty fellow, come on; - This day discharge thy duty, and at night - A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. - Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. - - _Fol._ No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word - Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long - To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him: - To lay arresting hands upon his back, - And drag him trembling to the sponging-house. - - _Bail._ There when I have him, I will sponge upon him. - Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, - I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! - Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. - - _Fol._ Enjoy it then some other time, for now - Our prey approaches. - - _Bail._ Let us retire. - - -SCENE II. - -TOM THUMB, NOODLE, BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Thumb._ Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;[113] - For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, - Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: - For, oh!--but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,[114] - I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. - - _Nood._ I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. - - _Thumb._ Then know--my grandmamma[115] hath often said. - Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. - - _Nood._ Sir, I blush - To think a warrior, great in arms as you, - Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. - Can an old woman's empty dreams deter - The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? - Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, - When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, - While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, - You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. - - _Thumb._ Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; - Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; - I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: - Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short - For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise - Blushing to see us both alone together.[116] - - _Nood._ Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. - - _Bail._ Oh, sir! I have an action against you. - - _Nood._ At whose suit is it? - - _Bail._ At your tailor's, sir. - Your tailor put this warrant in my hands, - And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. - - _Thumb._ Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! - Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? - But let vain cowards threaten by their word, - Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword. - - [_Kills_ BAILIFF _and_ FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Oh, I am slain! - - _Fol._ I am murdered also, - And to the shades, the dismal shades below, - My bailiff's faithful follower I go. - - _Nood._ Go then to hell,[117] like rascals as you are, - And give our service to the bailiffs there. - - _Thumb._ Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, - Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, - And no one fear a bailiff or his writ. - - -SCENE III.--_The Princess_ HUNCAMUNCA'S _Apartment_. - -HUNCAMUNCA, CLEORA, MUSTACHA. - - _Hunc._ Give me some music--see that it be sad.[118] - -CLEORA _sings_. - - Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, - Bring thy quiver to her aid; - With equal ardour wound the swain; - Beauty should never sigh in vain. - - Let him feel the pleasing smart, - Drive the arrow through his heart: - When one you wound, you then destroy; - When both you kill, you kill with joy. - - _Hunc._ O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?[119] - Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? - Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? - Or else the King of Brentford, old or new! - -_Must._ I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a moment's -uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom Thumb the -Great[120]--one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my -husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in -love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had -fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing! - - _Hunc._ Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. - The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, - Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. - The dove is not so gentle to its mate. - -_Must._ The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.--Alas! madam, -there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a man. He is a -perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost without shadow -too. - - _Hunc._ This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; - Or I shall think this railing comes from love. - Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, - That no one can abuse, unless they love him. - -_Must._ Madam, the king. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING HUNCAMUNCA. - - _King._ Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. - [_Exeunt_ CLEORA _and_ MUSTACHA. - Daughter, I have observed of late some grief - Unusual in your countenance; your eyes - That, like two open windows,[121] used to show - The lovely beauty of the rooms within. - Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? - Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? - We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. - - _Hunc._ Alas! my lord, I value not myself - That once I ate two fowls and half a pig; - Small is that praise![122] but oh! a maid may want - What she can neither eat nor drink. - - _King._ What's that? - - _Hunc._ O spare my blushes;[123] but I mean a husband. - - _King._ If that be all, I have provided one, - A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword - Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, - Whose name in Terrâ Incognitâ is known, - Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise - Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies. - - _Hunc._ Whom does my royal father mean? - - _King._ Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Is it possible? - - _King._ Ha! the window-blinds are gone; - A country-dance of joy is in your face.[124] - Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. - - _Hunc._ Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound, - Enough to turn me into beef indeed! - Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, - I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. - For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. - - _King._ Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. - A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. - - _Hunc._ Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell - That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. - Oh! I am overjoy'd! - - _King._ I see thou art. - Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;[125] - Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, - As small-shot through a hedge. - - _Hunc._ Oh! say not small. - - _King._ This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, - Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. - Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms - Must still detain the hero from his arms; - Various his duty, various his delight; - Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, - And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,[126] - When with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down to earth, and takes a bit--and then - Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again. - - -SCENE V. - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh![127] - Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass, - Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; - As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, - That thus of me you dare to make your game?[128] - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you - A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; - But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; - Love often lords into the cellar bears, - And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. - For what's too high for love, or what's too low? - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ But, granting all you say of love were true, - My love, alas! is to another due. - In vain to me a suitoring you come, - For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ And can my princess such a durgen wed? - One fitter for your pocket than your bed! - Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, - Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. - Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch, - Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. - Then, while in joys together lost we lie,[129] - I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. - - _Hunc._ If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, - All obstacles of promise you remove; - For all engagements to a man must fall, - Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. - - _Griz._ Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, - Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! - But, by the stars and glory! you appear - Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; - One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, - Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; - The milky way is not so white, that's flat, - And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. - - _Hunc._ Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, - It is impossible to be unkind. - - _Griz._ Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound[130] - From one pole to another pole rebound; - The earth and sky each be a battledore, - And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: - To Doctors Commons for a licence I - Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. - - _Hunc._ Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet, - 'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. - - _Griz._ Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should - By that vile place contaminate her blood; - My quick return shall to my charmer prove - I travel on the post-horses of love.[131] - - _Hunc._ Those post-horses to me will seem too slow - Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they - Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity. - - -SCENE VI. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Thumb._ Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? - Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love, - That light up all with love my waxen soul?[132] - Where is that face which artful nature made - In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?[133] - - _Hunc._ Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,[134] - Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? - What are these praises now to me, since I - Am promised to another? - - _Thumb._ Ha! promised? - - _Hunc._ Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. - - _Thumb._ Then I will tear away the leaf[135] - Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow - So large a gap within its journal-book, - I'll blot it out at least. - - -SCENE VII. - -GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Glum._ I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,[136] - Your brandy-nose proclaims---- - - _Hunc._ I am a princess; - Nor need I ask who you are. - - _Glum._ A giantess; - The queen of those who made and unmade queens. - - _Hunc._ The man whose chief ambition is to be - My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants. - - _Glum._ Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once - Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? - - _Hunc._ Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame - Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. - The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,[137] - May well sit easy on the hand or foot. - - _Glum._ I glory in the number, and when I - Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, - Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. - - _Hunc._ Let me see nearer what this beauty is - That captivates the heart of men by scores. - [_Holds a candle to her face._ - Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. - - _Glum._ You'd give the best of shoes within your shop - To be but half so handsome. - - _Hunc._ Since you come - To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:[138] - Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. - - _Glum._ Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill - That bed where twenty giants used to lie. - - _Thumb._ In the balcóny that o'erhangs the stage, - I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage; - One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, - The other shows a little piece of gold; - She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, - And leaves the larger and the baser coin. - - _Glum._ Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this; - I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,[139] - Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. - I'm all within a hurricane, as if - The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.[140] - Confusion,[141] horror, murder, gripes, and death! - - -SCENE VIII. - -KING, GLUMDALCA. - - _King._ Sure never was so sad a king as I![142] - My life is worn as ragged as a coat[143] - A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. - To love a captive and a giantess![144] - Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! - My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, - Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca![145] - Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make, - But an angelic soul was shuffled in. - I am a multitude of walking griefs,[146] - And only on her lips the balm is found - To spread a plaster that might cure them all.[147] - - _Glum._ What do I hear? - - _King._ What do I see? - - _Glum._ Oh! - - _King._ Ah! - - _Glum._ Ah! wretched queen![148] - - _King._ Oh! wretched king! - - _Glum._ Ah![149] - - _King._ Oh! - - -SCENE IX. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA, PARSON. - - _Par._ Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing; - For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night - Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. - - _Thumb._ It shall be my endeavour so to do. - - _Hunc._ Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. - - _Thumb._ It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: - I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;[150] - I'm so transported, I have lost myself.[151] - - _Hunc._ Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small, - That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. - So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, - Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; - In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan. - For ah, the needle was for ever gone. - - _Par._ Long may they live, and love, and propagate, - Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! - So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,[152] - Another and another still succeeds: - By thousands and ten thousands they increase, - Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese. - - -SCENE X. - -NOODLE, _and then_ GRIZZLE. - - _Nood._ Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,[153] - Or else unfix the world, and in a rage - To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; - All things are so confused, the king's in love, - The queen is drunk, the princess married is. - - _Griz._ Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? - - _Nood._ I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none - Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone. - The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. - - _Griz._ D--n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?[154] - I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. - - _Nood._ By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ My Huncamunca![155] - - _Nood._ Your Huncamunca, - Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. - - _Griz._ If this be true, all womankind are curst. - - _Nood._ If it be not, may I be so myself. - - _Griz._ See where she comes! I'll not believe a word - Against that face, upon whose ample brow[156] - Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. - - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. - The licence in my hand! - - _Hunc._ Alas! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ Why dost thou mention him? - - _Hunc._ Ah, me! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ What means my lovely Huncamunca? - - _Hunc._ Hum? - - _Griz._ Oh! speak. - - _Hunc._ Hum! - - _Griz._ Ha! your every word is hum: - You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.[157] - Tom Thumb--I'm on the rack--I'm in a flame. - Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb--you love the name;[158] - So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb, - You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! - My ample heart for more than one has room: - A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. - I married him, and now I'll marry you.[159] - - _Griz._ Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? - Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? - Since to that office one cannot suffice, - And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, - Go, get your husband put into commission. - Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) - The duty of a husband to your highness. - Yet think not long I will my rival bear, - Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; - The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined - Within the hollow caverns of my mind, - In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, - Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, - And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.[160] - So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,[161] - A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, - Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, - Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along. - The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen, - Together cram the dirty and the clean, - And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. - - _Hunc._ Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay - My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day, - I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, - May go again this night alone to bed. - So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,[162] - Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, - To give the preference to either loth, - And fondly coveting to sit on both, - While the two stools her sitting-part confound, - Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III. - -SCENE I.--KING ARTHUR'S _Palace._ - -_Ghost_[163] (_solus_). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon! - - Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail! - And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats - Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit, - All hail!--Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day, - Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire, - Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves, - To the loud music of the silent bell,[164] - All hail! - - -SCENE II. - -KING, GHOST. - - _King_. What noise is this? What villain dares, - At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane, - Disturb our royal walls? - - _Ghost_. One who defies - Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares[165] - Walk in thy bedchamber. - - _King_. Presumptuous slave! - Thou diest. - - _Ghost_. Threaten others with that word: - I am a ghost, and am already dead.[166] - - _King_. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come, - This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud[167] - I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder, - Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away. - Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [GHOST _retires_. - I thought what was the courage of a ghost![168] - Yet, dare not, on thy life--Why say I that, - Since life thou hast not?--Dare not walk again - Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea. - For, if henceforth I ever find thee here, - As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid---- - - _Ghost._ Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin, - The liquor (when alive) whose very smell - I did detest, did loathe--yet, for the sake - Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. - - _King._ Ha! said you? - - _Ghost._ Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb, - Whose father's ghost I am--once not unknown - To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true, - The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget. - - _King._ 'Tis he--it is the honest Gaffer Thumb. - Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms, - Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost! - - _Ghost._ Would I were something more, that we again - Might feel each other in the warm embrace. - But now I have th' advantage of my king, - For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.[169] - - _King._ But say, thou dearest air,[170] oh! say what dread, - Important business sends thee back to earth? - - _Ghost._ Oh! then prepare to hear--which but to hear - Is full enough to send thy spirit hence. - Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led, - Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope - The shutters of the sky, before the gate - Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread. - So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,[171] - So have I seen the stars in frosty nights, - So have I seen the sand in windy days, - So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore, - So have I seen the flowers in spring arise, - So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall, - So have I seen the fruits in summer smile, - So have I seen the snow in winter frown. - - _King._ D--n all thou hast seen!--dost thou, beneath the shape - Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me - With similes, to keep me on the rack? - Hence--or, by all the torments of thy hell, - I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.[172] - - _Ghost._ Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence, - Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks! - Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware! - Strive to avert thy yet impending fate; - For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day, - To-morrow all thy care will come too late. - - -SCENE III. - -KING, _solus_. - - _King._ Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus! - And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate, - Oh! teach me how I may avert it too! - Curs'd be the man who first a simile made! - Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes--So have I seen! - Those whose comparisons are just and true, - And those who liken things not like at all. - The devil is happy that the whole creation - Can furnish out no simile to his fortune. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING, QUEEN. - - _Queen._ What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal - Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast? - Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,[173] - When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites? - - _King._ Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love! - I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid - Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find - There is no power in drams to quiet wives; - Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake, - And shine upon their husbands. - - _Queen._ Think, oh, think! - What a surprise it must be to the sun, - Rising, to find the vanish'd world away. - What less can be the wretched wife's surprise - When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast, - She found her useless bolster in her arms. - Think, think, on that.--Oh! think, think well on that![174] - I do remember also to have read - In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,[175] - That Jove in form inanimate did lie - With beauteous Danaë: and, trust me, love, - I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.[176] - - _King._ Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex! - Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee, - So many husbands never had worn horns. - Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake, - Tom Thumb indeed were blest.--Oh, fatal name - For didst thou know one quarter what I know, - Then wouldst thou know--alas! what thou wouldst know! - - _Queen._ What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak - Like men who carry rareeshows about? - "Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see." - O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much. - - -SCENE V. - -KING, QUEEN, NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Long life attend your majesties serene, - Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen! - Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd, - Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud, - Unless the princess be deliver'd straight, - And the victorious Thumb, without his pate, - They are resolv'd to batter down the gate. - - -SCENE VI. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, NOODLE. - - _King._ See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb? - - _Hunc._ Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago - He sallied out t' encounter with the foe, - And swore, unless his fate had him misled, - From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head, - And serve't up with your chocolate in bed. - - _King._ 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both. - Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come; - Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb: - In peace and safety we secure may stay, - While to his arm we trust the bloody fray; - Though men and giants should conspire with gods, - He is alone equal to all these odds.[177] - - _Queen._ He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;[178] - While he supports we need not fear to fall; - His arm despatches all things to our wish, - And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish. - Void is the mistress of the house of care, - While the good cook presents the bill of fare; - Whether the cod, that northern king of fish, - Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish, - No fears the number of her guests afford, - But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board. - - -SCENE VII.--_Plain._ - -GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS. - - _Griz._ Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; - For, though we have not fought, yet we have found - No enemy to fight withal.[179] - - _Food._ Yet I, - Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, - This first of April to engage our foes.[180] - - _Griz._ This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose, - For on this day my grandmother was born. - Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; - Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,[181] - And send it post to the Elysian shades. - - _Food._ I'm glad to find our army is so stout, - Nor does it move my wonder less than joy. - - _Griz._ What friends we have, and how we came so strong,[182] - I'll softly tell you as we march along. - - -SCENE VIII.--_Thunder and Lightning._ - -TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _cum suis._ - - _Thumb._ Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? - The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,[183] - As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,[184] - And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; - Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ What voice is this I hear? - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Again it calls. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Glum._ It calls again. - - _Thumb._ Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not. - - _Merl._ Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend, - Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, - And to my art thou dost thy being owe. - - _Thumb._ How? - - _Merl._ Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb. - - His father was a ploughman plain, - His mother milk'd the cow; - And yet the way to get a son - This couple knew not how, - Until such time the good old man - To learned Merlin goes, - And there to him, in great distress, - In secret manner shows - How in his heart he wish'd to have - A child, in time to come, - To be his heir, though it may be - No bigger than his thumb: - Of which old Merlin was foretold - That he his wish should have; - And so a son of stature small - The charmer to him gave.[185] - - Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future. - - _Thumb._ Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;[186] - See there, Glumdalca, see another me![187] - - _Glum._ O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd - By the expanded jaws of a red cow. - - _Merl._ Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, - For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.[188] - See from afar a theatre arise; - There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay - To the heroic actions of this day; - Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose - Thy name the best supporter of her muse. - - _Thumb._ Enough: let every warlike music sound. - We fall contented, if we fall renown'd. - - -SCENE IX. - -LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS, _on one side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on -the other._ - - _Food._ At length the enemy advances nigh, - I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.[189] - - _Griz._ Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, - And liberty the mustard is of life.[190] - - _Thumb._ Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name? - - _Griz._ Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?[191] - - _Thumb._ The same. - - _Griz._ Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; - For liberty I fight. - - _Thumb._ And I for love. - - [_A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums beating, - trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, They fight off and on - several times. Some fall._ GRIZZLE _and_ GLUMDALCA _remain._ - - _Glum._ Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly. - - _Griz._ Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm. - - _Glum._ Have at thy heart. - - _Griz._ Nay, then I thrust at thine. - - _Glum._ You push too well; you've run me through the body, - And I am dead. - - _Griz._ Then there's an end of one. - - _Thumb._ When thou art dead, then there's an end of two. - Villain.[192] - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Rebel! - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Hell! - - _Griz._ Huncamunca! - - _Thumb._ Thou hast it there. - - _Griz._ Too sure I feel it. - - _Thumb._ To hell then, like a rebel as you are, - And give my service to the rebels there. - - _Griz._ Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy - Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send - My ghost to fetch her to the other world;[193] - It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.[194] - But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:[195] - Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,[196] - And gently whispers it to haste away. - I come, I come, most willingly I come. - So when some city wife, for country air, - To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, - Her to make haste her husband does implore, - And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:" - With equal wish, desirous to be gone, - She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!" - - _Thumb._ With those last words he vomited his soul,[197] - Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.[198] - Bear off the body, and cut off the head, - Which I will to the king in triumph lug. - Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast. - - -SCENE X. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, COURTIERS. - - _King._ Open the prisons, set the wretched free, - And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds - To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day. - Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name![199] - It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it. - By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll, - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down. - Here seated let us view the dancers' sports; - Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day - Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb; - Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,[200] - And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. [_A dance here._ - - _Nood._ Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible--Oh! oh! - Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! - Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! - Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts![201] - - _King._ What does the blockhead mean? - - _Nood._ I mean, my liege, - Only to grace my tale with decent horror.[202] - Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high, - I look'd abroad into the streets below, - I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob; - Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links, - Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs; - Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle; - When of a sudden through the streets there came - A cow, of larger than the usual size, - And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!-- - And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer - Not give three farthings out--hang all the culprits, - Guilty or not--no matter. Kill my cows! - Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys! - Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose, - To rob, impose on, and to kill the world. - - _Nood._ Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. - - _Queen._ Not so much in a swoon but I have still - Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. - [_Kills_ NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Oh! I am slain. - - _Cle._ My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. - [_Kills the_ QUEEN. - - _Hunc._ My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. - [_Kills_ CLEORA. - - _Dood._ This for an old grudge to thy heart. - [_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Must._ And this - I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [_Kills_ DOODLE. - - _King._ Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST. - And take thou this.[203] [_Kills himself, and falls._ - So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards, - Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards, - Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down, - Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown; - So all our pack upon the floor is cast, - And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 65: Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to -fix the action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers have -understood to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, or what -we generally call a fine summer's day: so that, according to this their -exposition, the same months are proper for tragedy which are proper for -pastoral. Most of our celebrated English tragedies, as Cato, Mariamne, -Tamerlane, &c., begin with their observations on the morning. Lee seems -to have come the nearest to this beautiful description of our author's:-- - - "The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson, - The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds - Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends - The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness: - All nature smiles."--"Cæs. Borg." - -Massinissa, in the new Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun:-- - - "The sun too seems - As conscious of my joy, with broader eye - To look abroad the world, and all things smile - Like Sophonisba." - -Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he -may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness:-- - - "The morning rises slow, - And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint - The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if - The horrors of the night had sent 'em back, - To warn the sun he should not leave the sea, - To peep," &c. -] - -[Footnote 66: This line is highly conformable to the beautiful simplicity -of the ancients. It hath been copied by almost every modern:-- - - "Not to be is not to be in woe."--"State of Innocence." - - "Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love."--"Don Sebastian." - - "Nature is nature, Lælius."--"Sophonisba." - - "Men are but men, we did not make ourselves."--"Revenge." -] - -[Footnote 67: Dr. B--y reads. The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr. D--s, The -mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr. T--d reads, Thundering. I think Thomas more -agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.] - -[Footnote 68: That learned historian Mr. S--n, in the third number of his -criticism on our author, takes great pains to explode this passage. "It -is," says he, "difficult to guess what giants are here meant, unless the -giant Despair in the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' or the giant Greatness in the -'Royal Villain;' for I have heard of no other sort of giants in the reign -of king Arthur." Petrus Burmannus makes three Tom Thumbs, one whereof -he supposes to have been the same person whom the Greeks call Hercules; -and that by these giants are to be understood the Centaurs slain by that -hero. Another Tom Thumb he contends to have been no other than the Hermes -Trismegistus of the ancients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the -reign of king Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of -the other two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is -supported by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non -alium quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose -one line of Mr. Midwinter against them all: - - "In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live." - -"But then," says Dr. B--y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of king -Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no -giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his "Fairy Queen," is of another -opinion, where, describing Albion, he says:-- - - "Far within a savage nation dwelt - Of hideous gants." - -And in the same canto:-- - - "Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had - The one of which had two heads-- - The other three." - -Risum teneatis, amici.] - -[Footnote 69: "To whisper in books," says Mr. D--s, "is arrant nonsense." -I am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the -extensive meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood what -is meant by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian Princess, or -what "whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like thunder in another -author, he would have understood this. Emmeline in Dryden sees a voice, -but she was born blind, which is an excuse Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, -who hears a sight: - - "Your description will surpass - All fiction, painting, or dumb show of horror, - That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld." - -When Mr. D--s understands these, he will understand whispering in books.] - -[Footnote 70: - - "Some ruffian stept into his father's place, - And more than half begot him."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 71: - - "For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven, - To civilize this rugged Indian clime."--"Lib. Asserted." -] - -[Footnote 72: "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se majus -continere potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would have -cavilled at these beautiful lines in the "Earl of Essex:" - - "Thy most inveterate soul, - That looks through the foul prison of thy body." - -And at those of Dryden: - - "The palace is without too well design'd; - Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 73: Mr. Banks hath copied this almost verbatim: - - "It was enough to say, here's Essex come, - And nurses still'd their children with the fright."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 74: The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say: -Enter king, which makes Mr. Banks, in one of his plays, call it the -trumpet's formal sound.] - -[Footnote 75: Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted -with king Arthur: - - "Proclaim a festival for seven days' space, - Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre, - Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy; - Let music's care-dispelling voice be heard; - The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet - Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness. - Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast." -] - -[Footnote 76: - - "Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow."--"Sophonisba." - - "Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair."--_Ibid._ - - "A sullen gloom - Scowls on his brow."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 77: Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr. Banks:-- - - "Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 78: These floods are very frequent in the tragic authors:-- - - "Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down, - Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow, - My tears shall swell them up till I will drown."--Lee's "Soph." - - "Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate, - That were the world on fire they might have drown'd - The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin."--"Mithridates." - -One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy: - - "These tears, that sprung from tides of grief, - Are now augmented to a flood of joy."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Another: - - "Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow - In pity's channel."--"Royal Villain." - -One drowns himself: - - "Pity like a torrent pours me down, - Now I am drowning all within a deluge."--"Anna Bullen." - -Cyrus drowns the whole world: - - "Our swelling grief - Shall melt into a deluge, and the world - Shall drown in tears."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 79: An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says -Mr. D--s, yet we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of Mithridates -less properly used, and applied to a more terrible idea: - - "I would be drunk with death."--"Mithridates." - -The author of the new Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and -uses it pretty much to the same purpose:-- - - "The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood - Was drunk." - -I would ask Mr. D--s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or a -drunken sword? - -Mr. Tate dresses up king Arthur's resolution in heroic: - - "Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right, - I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night." - -Lee also uses this charming word: - - "Love's the drunkenness of the mind."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 80: Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly: - - "I'm half-seas o'er in death."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 81: This figure is in great use among the tragedians: - - "'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis."--"Victim." - - "I long, repent, repent, and long again."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 82: A tragical exclamation.] - -[Footnote 83: This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.] - -[Footnote 84: We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated -authors: - - "Each star withdraws - His golden head, and burns within the socket."--"Nero." - - "A soul grown old and sunk into the socket."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 85: This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic -writers of both kinds.] - -[Footnote 86: Mr. Lee hath stolen this thought from our author: - - "This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council, - Which they were long in making."--"Luc. Jun. Brut." - - "At his birth the heavenly council paused, - And then at last cried out, This is a man!" - -Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection: - - "So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd - At their own skill, and cried, A lucky hit - Has mended our design! Their envy hinder'd, - Or you had been immortal, and a pattern, - When Heaven would work for ostentation sake, - To copy out again."--"All for Love." - -Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods: - - "A pattern for the gods to make a man by, - Or Michael Angelo to form a statue." -] - -[Footnote 87: It is impossible, says Mr. W----, sufficiently to admire -this natural easy line.] - -[Footnote 88: This tragedy, which in most points resembles the ancients, -differs from them in this--that it assigns the same honour to lowness -of stature which they did to height. The gods and heroes in Homer and -Virgil are continually described higher by the head than their followers, -the contrary of which is observed by our author. In short, to exceed on -either side is equally admirable; and a man of three foot is as wonderful -a sight as a man of nine.] - -[Footnote 89: - - "My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading - My soul will quickly sink."--"Mithridates." - - "My soul is like a ship."--"Injured Love." -] - -[Footnote 90: This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian -Princess: - - "To be your humblest and most faithful slave." -] - -[Footnote 91: This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in -the "Captives," where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of -leaves:-- - - "Methinks I hear - The sound of feet: - No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs." -] - -[Footnote 92: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the -first page of Love Triumphant.] - -[Footnote 93: Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of -his mistress: - - "While in the lustre of her charms I lay." -] - -[Footnote 94: A tragical phrase much in use.] - -[Footnote 95: This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical -authors, who seem to have rifled it, and share its beauties among them: - - "My soul waits at the portal of thy breast, - To ravish from thy lips the welcome news."--"Anna Bullen." - - "My soul stands list'ning at my ears."--"Cyrus the Great." - - "Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring, - But reason overwinds, and cracks the string."--"D. of Guise." - - "I should have loved - Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it."--"New Sophonisba." - - "And when it (_my heart_) wild resolves to love no more, - Then is the triumph of excessive love."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 96: Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb. - - "Oh! happy, happy, happy!"--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 97: - - "No by myseif."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 98: - - "Who caused - This dreadful revolution in my fate, - Ulamar. Who but a dog--who but a dog?"--"Liberty As." -] - -[Footnote 99: - - "A bride, - Who twenty years lay loving by your side."--Banks. -] - -[Footnote 100: - - "For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall, - And rain down royal vengeance on you all."--"Alb. Queens." -] - -[Footnote 101: An information very like this we have in the tragedy of -Love, where Cyrus, having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares -observes very calmly, "Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved?"] - -[Footnote 102: - - "'Tis in your choice. - Love me, or love me not."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 103: There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what -hath been borrow'd by almost every tragic writer.] - -[Footnote 104: Mr. Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) -imitated this of Grizzle in his Earl of Essex: - - "Where art thou, Essex," &c. -] - -[Footnote 105: The Countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is -apparently acquainted with Dollallolla.] - -[Footnote 106: Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glue of which -Mr. Banks speaks in his Cyrus: - - "I'll glue my ears to every word." -] - -[Footnote 107: - - "Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters, - Are screaming in that voice."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 108: The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a -late ode, called the "Naval Lyrick."] - -[Footnote 109: This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an -idea as were to be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more difficult -to be imagined than a flying fish. Mr. Dryden is of opinion that smiling -is the property of reason, and that no irrational creature can smile: - - "Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move."--"State of Innocence." -] - -[Footnote 110: These lines are written in the same key with those in the -Earl of Essex: - - "Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed - I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true." - -Or with this in Cyrus: - - "The most heroic mind that ever was." - -And with above half of the modern tragedies.] - -[Footnote 111: Aristotle, in that excellent work of his, which is very -justly styled his masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of -art, however coarse or even indecent they may be. Mr. Tate is of the same -opinion. - - "_Bru._ Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about. - Your game flies fair. - - _Fra._ Do not fear it. - He answers you in your hawking phrase."--"In Love." - -I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify Dollallolla -in the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the same line she says -she is speaking to a setting-dog.] - -[Footnote 112: We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King -Arthur: - - "Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates, - Are weighing now within the scales of heaven." - -Also in Sebastian:-- - - "This hour my lot is weighing in the scales." -] - -[Footnote 113: Mr. Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints -from this scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragic -writers, bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I am -unwilling to imagine he would condescend to copy him in this particular.] - -[Footnote 114: This method of surprising an audience, by raising their -expectation to the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been -practised with great success by most of our tragical authors.] - -[Footnote 115: Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress:-- - - "Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts, - Thin hollow sounds and lamentable screams; - Then like a dying echo from afar, - My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda; - Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime." -] - -[Footnote 116: "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says -Mr. D--s. The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the sun's -blushing at any indecent object; and therefore on all such occasions he -addresses himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out of the way. - - "Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail. - Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene."--"Busiris." - - "Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning."--_Ibid._ - -Mr. Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not -likely to be disgusted at such a sight: - - "The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you."--"Mary Queen of - Scots." -] - -[Footnote 117: Neurmahal sends the same message to heaven: - - "For I would have you, when you upwards move, - Speak kindly of us to our friends above."--"Aurengzebe." - -We find another to hell in the Persian Princess: - - "Villain, get thee down - To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun." -] - -[Footnote 118: Anthony gives the same command in the same words.] - -[Footnote 119: - - "Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou, Marius?"--Otway's "Marius." -] - -[Footnote 120: Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; -such as-- - - "Haughty weakness."--"Victim." - - "Great small world."--"Noah's Flood." -] - -[Footnote 121: Lee hath improved this metaphor: - - "Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes, - The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee? - So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise, - When they some young triumpher fain would see."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 122: Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetities: - - "To eat and drink can no perfection be.--"Conquest of Granada." - -The Earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the chief -happiness of a general therein: - - "Were but commanders half so well rewarded, - Then they might eat."--Banks's "Earl of Essex." - -But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil himself, -we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is generally -imagined: - - "Gods are immortal only by their food."-- - -"Lucifer, in the State of Innocence."] - -[Footnote 123: "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr. D., -"utterly to destroy the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman of -no abandoned character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus excusing -herself: - - "To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride, - Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it, - But Nature does not. When we are athirst, - Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay, - Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?"-- - "Cleomenes." - -Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. Cassandra -speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her father.] - -[Footnote 124: - - "Her eyes resistless magic bear: - Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there,"--Lee's "Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 125: Mr. Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty -Asserted, which is thought to have given so great a stroke to the late -French king, hath frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king -Arthur: - - "Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm." - "Joy lighten'd in her eyes." - "Joys like light'ning dart along my soul." -] - -[Footnote 126: - - "Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then - Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 127: This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr. W----, to be -written in gold, is imitated in the New Sophonisba: - - "Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh! - Oh! Narva; Narva, oh!" - -The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it: - - "Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas!" - -Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two meanings in -the repeated words.] - -[Footnote 128: Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the -same familiar language: - - "Your grace is full of game." -] - -[Footnote 129: - - "Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky, - Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie, - And press her soul while gods stand wishing by."--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 130: - - "Let the four winds from distant corners meet, - And on their wings first bear it into France; - Then back again to Edina's proud walls, - Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls."--"Albion Queens." -] - -[Footnote 131: I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic -poets as those borrowed from riding post. - - "The gods and opportunity ride post."--"Hannibal." - - "Let's rush together, - For death rides post."--"Duke of Guise." - - "Destruction gallops to thy murder post."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 132: This image, too, very often occurs: - - "Bright as when thy eye - First lighted up our loves."--"Aurengzebe." - - "'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 133: There is great dissension among the poets concerning the -method of making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was made -in being lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in Dryden, gives -a merry description of his own formation: - - "Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd, - But threw me in for number to the rest."--"State of Innocence." - -In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal: - - "I was form'd - Of that coarse metal which, when she was made, - The gods threw by for rubbish."--"All for Love." - -In another of dough: - - "When the gods moulded up the paste of man, - Some of their clay was left upon their hands. - And so they made Egyptians."--"Cleomenes." - -In another of clay: - - "Rubbish of remaining clay."--Sebastian." - -One makes the soul of wax: - - "Her waxen soul begins to melt apace."--"Anna Bullen." - -Another of flint: - - "Sure our souls have somewhere been acquainted - In former beings, or, struck out together, - One spark to Afric flew, and one to Portugal."--"Sebastian." - -To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls which are -so plenty in modern authors--I cannot omit the dress of a soul as we find -it in Dryden: - - "Souls shirted but with air."--"King Arthur." - -Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of -description in the New Sophonisba. - - "Ye mysterious powers, - Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander, - Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm, - The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds - Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy." -] - -[Footnote 134: This line Mr. Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna -Bullen.] - -[Footnote 135: - - "Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay, - But to tear out the journal of that day. - Or, if the order of the world below - Will not the gap of one whole day allow, - Give me that minute when she made her vow."-- - - "Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 136: I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr. -Dryden, in the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a scene -which Mr. Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is much -beholden to our author. How just this their observation is I will not -presume to determine.] - -[Footnote 137: "A cobbling poet indeed," says Mr. D.; and yet I believe -we may find as monstrous images in the tragic authors. I'll put down -one: "Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a bride's -hair."--"Injured Love." - -Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our -author's to a shoemaker's.] - -[Footnote 138: Mr. L---- takes occasion in this place to commend the -great care of our author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which -Shakespeare, Jonson, and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and the -moderns, in imitation of our author, so laudably observant: - - "Then does - Your majesty believe that he can be - A traitor?"--"Earl of Essex." - -Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence.] - -[Footnote 139: - - "Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind."--"Aurengzebe." - - "Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 140: - - "With such a furious tempest on his brow, - As if the world's four winds were pent within - His blustering carcase."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 141: Verba Tragica.] - -[Footnote 142: This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.] - -[Footnote 143: - - "My life is worn to rags, - Not worth a prince's wearing"--"Love Triumphant." -] - -[Footnote 144: - - "Must I beg the pity of my slave? - Must a king beg? But love's a greater king, - A tryant, nay, a devil, that possesses me. - He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks, - Unknown to me, within me."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 145: - - "When thou wert form'd heaven did a man begin; - But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 146: - - "I am a multitude - Of walking griefs."--"New Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 147: - - "I will take thy scorpion blood, - And lay it to my grief till I have ease."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 148: Our author, who everywhere shows his great penetration -into human nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet -would have raised a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the -passions better, and that so violent an affection as this must be too big -for utterance, chooses rather to send his characters off in this sullen -and doleful manner, in which admirable conduct he is imitated by the -author of the justly celebrated Eurydice. Dr. Young seems to point at -this violence of passion: - - "Passion chokes - Their words, and they're the statues of despair." - -And Seneca tells us, "Curæ leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The -story of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to be -inserted; I refer the more curious reader to the excellent Montaigne, who -hath written an essay on this subject.] - -[Footnote 149: - - "To part is death. - 'Tis death to part. - Ah! - Oh!"--"Don Carlos." -] - -[Footnote 150: - - "Nor know I whether - What am I, who, or where."--"Busiris." - - "I was I know not what, and am I know not how."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 151: To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it -will be necessary that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I -shall not attempt to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make so -plainly evident. - -One runs away from the other: - - "Let me demand your majesty, - Why fly you from yourself?"--"Duke of Guise." - -In a second, one self is a guardian to the other: - - "Leave me the care of me."--"Conquest of Granada." - -Again: - - "Myself am to myself less near."--_Ibid._ - -In the same, the first self is proud of the second: - - "I myself am proud of me."--"State of Innocence." - -In a third, distrustful of him: - - "Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear. - That none besides might hear, nay, not myself."--"Earl of Essex." - -In a fourth, honours him: - - "I honour Rome, - And honour too myself."--"Sophonisba." - -In a fifth, at variance with him: - - "Leave me not thus at variance with myself."--"Busiris." - -Again, in a sixth: - - "I find myself divided from myself."--"Medea." - - "She seemed the sad effigies of herself."--Banks. - - "Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be - The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me."--"Alb. Q." - -From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom -Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented by -men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise.] - -[Footnote 152: Mr. F. imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one, from -his simile.] - -[Footnote 153: Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom: - - "Great nature, break thy chain that links together - The fabric of the world, and make a chaos - Like that within my soul."--"Love Triumphant." - "Startle Nature, unfix the globe, - And hurl it from its axletree and hinges."--"Albion Queens." - - "The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props." -] - -[Footnote 154: - - "D--n your delay, ye torturers, proceed: - I will not hear one word but Almahide."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 155: Mr. Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.] - -[Footnote 156: This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba. - - "And on her ample brow - Sat majesty." -] - -[Footnote 157: - - "Your ev'ry answer still so ends in that, - You force me still to answer you, Morat."--"Aurengzebe. -] - -[Footnote 158: - - "Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 159: "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says -Mr. D--s. And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous -Panthea, in Cyrus, hath a heart every whit as ample: - - "For two I must confess are gods to me, - Which is my Abradatus first, and thee."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so -intelligible: - - "I am so divided, - That I grieve most for both, and love both most." -] - -[Footnote 160: A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the -great and extensive largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not so to -those who consider the great expansion of immaterial substance. Mr. Banks -makes one soul to be so expanded, that heaven could not contain it. - - "The heavens are all too narrow for her soul."--"Virtue Betrayed." - -The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this: - - "We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves, - Shall glut hell's empty regions." - -This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, only -to fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full.] - -[Footnote 161: Mr. Addison is generally thought to have had this simile -in his eye when he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third act -of his Cato.] - -[Footnote 162: This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does -honour to the English language: - - "Between two stools the breech falls to the ground." - -I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as -with those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down -to us under the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead of -filling their pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our modern -poets would think it worth their while to enrich their works with the -proverbial sayings of their ancestors. Mr. Dryden hath chronicled one in -heroic: - - "Two ifs scarce make one possibility."--"Conq. of Granada." - -My Lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and sciences -might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I am of -the same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least I am -confident that a more perfect system of ethics, as well as economy, might -be compiled out of them than is at present extant, either in the works of -the ancient philosophers, or those more valuable, as more voluminous ones -of the modern divines.] - -[Footnote 163: Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls -short of the ancients, there is none so much to be lamented as the great -scarcity of ghosts. Whence this proceeds I will not presume to determine. -Some are of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that sublime language -which a ghost ought to speak. One says, ludicrously, that ghosts are -out of fashion; another, that they are properer for comedy; forgetting, -I suppose, that Aristotle hath told us that a ghost is the soul of -tragedy; for so I render the [Greek: psychê ho mythos tês tragôdias], -which M. Dacier, amongst others, hath mistaken; I suppose misled by not -understanding the Fabula of the Latins, which signifies a ghost as well -as fable. - - "Te premet nox, fabulæque manes."--Horace. - -Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned -and judicious foreign critic gives the preference to this of our author. -These are his words, speaking of this tragedy:--"Nec quidquam in illâ -admirabilius quà m phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus aliis spectris, -quibuscum scatet Angelorum tragoedia, longè (pace D--ysii V. Doctiss. -dixerim) prætulerim."] - -[Footnote 164: We have already given instances of this figure.] - -[Footnote 165: Almanzor reasons in the same manner: - - "A ghost I'll be; - And from a ghost, you know, no place is free."--"Conq. of Gran."] - -[Footnote 166: "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr. D., -"would have picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to show not only -bad in itself, but doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in -that excellent play of Liberty Asserted, we find something very much -resembling a pun in the mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the -lover she is fond of: - - "_Ul._ Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell. - - _Irene._ The gods have given to others to fare well, - O! miserably must Irene fare." - -Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn -occasion--that of sacrificing his daughter: - - "Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest; - Yes, you must offer up your--vows for Greece." -] - -[Footnote 167: - - "I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light, - Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there. - And make thee groan thyself away to air."--"Conq. of Gran." - - "Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 168: - - "So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast, - I thought what was the courage of a ghost."--"Conq. of Gran." - -King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most -heroically: "In spite of ghosts I'll on."] - -[Footnote 169: The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, -and is therefore worth reading: - - "Ah, Cyrus! - Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air, - As think of touching my immortal shade."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 170: - - "Thou better part of heavenly air."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 171: "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in -the cabinet of a prince."] - -[Footnote 172: This passage hath been understood several different ways -by the commentators. For my part I find it difficult to understand it at -all. Mr. Dryden says-- - - "I've heard something how two bodies meet, - But how two souls join I know not." - -So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be -difficult to understand how it is possible to run him through it.] - -[Footnote 173: Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollalolla: - - "I never durst in darkness be alone."--"Ind. Emp." -] - -[Footnote 174: - - "Think well of this, think that, think every way."--"Sophon." -] - -[Footnote 175: These quotations are more usual in the comic than in the -tragic writers.] - -[Footnote 176: "This distress," says Mr. D--, "I must allow to be -extremely beautiful, and tends to heighten the virtuous character of -Dollallolla, who is so exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest -apprehension from the inanimate embrace of a bolster. An example worthy -of imitation for all our writers of tragedy."] - -[Footnote 177: - - "Credat Judæus Appella, - Non ego," - -says Mr. D. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, can -we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow--I say again a little -insignificant fellow--able to vie with a strength which all the Samsons -and Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I shall refer -this incredulous critic to Mr. Dryden's defence of his Almanzor; and, -lest that should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few lines from the -speech of a much braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr. Johnson's Achilles: - - "Though human race rise in embattled hosts, - To force her from my arms--Oh! son of Atreus! - By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit - Informs this earth, I will oppose them all."--"Victim." -] - -[Footnote 178: "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr. D., -"but never of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never heard of -sailing with wings, which he may read in no less a poet than Mr. Dryden: - - "Unless we borrow wings and sail through air."--"Love Triumphant. - -What will he say to a kneeling valley? - - "I'll stand - Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee - To some aspiring mountain."--"Injured Love." - -I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an epithet -in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not we read in -the New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white occasions, -and blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but sometimes -half a sentence is put by way of expletive, as "Beauty pointed high -with spirit," in the same play; and "In the lap of blessing, to be most -curst," in the Revenge.] - -[Footnote 179: A victory like that of Almanzor: - -"Almanzor is victorious without fight."--"Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 180: - - "Well have we chose an happy day for fight; - For every man, in course of time, has found - Some days are lucky, some unfortunate."--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 181: We read of such another in Lee: - - "Teach his rude wit a flight she never made, - And send her post to the Elysian shade."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 182: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.] - -[Footnote 183: "Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud."--"Conquest of -Granada."] - -[Footnote 184: - - "Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, - Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, - Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, - Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall."--"Female Warrior." -] - -[Footnote 185: See the History of Tom Thumb, p. 141.] - -[Footnote 186: - - "Amazement swallows up my sense, - And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate - Drinks down my reason."--"Persian Princess." -] - -[Footnote 187: - - "I have outfaced myself. - What! am I two? Is there another me?"--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 188: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most -so in this prophetic part. We find several of these prophecies in the -tragic authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment -to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but our author -(who seems to have detested the least appearance of flattery) would have -passed by such an opportunity of being a political prophet.] - -[Footnote 189: "I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw -him."--"Busiris." In both which places it is intimated that it is -sometimes possible to see with other eyes than your own.] - -[Footnote 190: "This mustard," says Mr. D., "is enough to turn one's -stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head -when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of -Mr. Dennis: - - "And gave him liberty, the salt of life."--"Liberty Asserted." - -The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.] - -[Footnote 191: - - "_Han_, Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call? - - _Scip._ Are you the much more famous Hannibal?"--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 192: Dr Young seems to have copied this engagement in his -Busiris: - - _Myr._ Villain! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Rebel! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Hell! - - _Mem._ Mandane! -] - -[Footnote 193: This last speech of my Lord Grizzle hath been of great -service to our poets: - - "I'll hold it fast - As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; - And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, - I'll send my ghost and fetch it back again."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 194: - - "My soul should with such speed obey, - It should not bait at heaven to stop its way." -] - -[Footnote 195: Lee seems to have had this last in his eye: - - "'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there: - I would but go to heaven to take the air."--"Gloriana." - - "A rising vapour rumbling in my brains."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 196: - - "Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul, - To tell me fate's at hand." -] - -[Footnote 197: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when -he says: - - "My soul is packing up, and just on wing."--"Conq. of Gran." - "And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 198: - - "The devil swallows vulgar souls - Like whipt cream."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 199: - - "How I could curse my name of Ptolemy! - It is so long, it asks an hour to write it. - By heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars! - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my hand."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 200: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by -which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or -to insinuate that men in the honeymoon are apt to imagine time shorter -than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the -Coffee-House Politician: - - "We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow." -] - -[Footnote 201: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single -speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.] - -[Footnote 202: - - "I was but teaching him to grace his tale - With decent horror."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 203: We may say with Dryden: - - "Death did at length so many slain forget, - And left the tale, and took them by the great." - -I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody -catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal -characters dead on the stage. These lines too-- - - "I ask'd no questions then, of who kill'd who? - The bodies tell the story as they lie--" - -seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can -I help imagining they were originally his. The Rival Ladies, too, seem -beholden to this scene: - - "We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death; - Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her, - And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo, - As I on Angelina." - -No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was -applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was -very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This -I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which -remains among us, and which Mr. Dryden, in his essay on Dramatic Poetry, -hath observed. "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself -into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know -not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror -to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in -this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French -have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily -exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so entirely -clear.] - - - - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS: - -THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D BY ANY COMPANY OF -TRAGEDIANS. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, _King of Queerummania_. - BOMBARDINIAN, _his General_. - ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO, - RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS, [_Courtiers_. - _Captain of the Guards._ - _Herald._ - _Cook._ - _Doctor._ - _King of the Fiddlers._ - _King of the Antipodes._ - FADLADINIDA, _Queen of Queerummania_. - TATLANTHE, _her favourite_. - _Two Ladies of the Court._ - _Two Ladies of Pleasure._ - VENUS. - CUPID. - Guards and Attendants, &c. - - SCENE.--QUEERUMMANIA. - - -PROLOGUE. - - To night our comic muse the buskin wears, - And gives herself no small romantic airs; - Struts in heroics, and in pompous verse - Does the minutest incidents rehearse; - In ridicule's strict retrospect displays - The poetasters of these modern days: - Who with big bellowing bombast rend our ears, - Which, stript of sound, quite void of sense appears; - Or else their fiddle-faddle numbers flow, - Serenely dull, elaborately low. - Either extreme, when vain pretenders take, - The actor suffers for the author's sake. - The quite-tir'd audience lose whole hours; yet pay - To go unpleas'd and unimprov'd away. - This being our scheme, we hope you will excuse - The wild excursion of the wanton muse - Who out of frolic wears a mimic mask, - And sets herself so whimsical a task: - 'Tis meant to please, but if should offend, - It's very short, and soon will have an end. - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber in the Palace._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Rig-Fun._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio! - Where left you Chrononhotonthologos? - - _Aldi._ Fatigu'd with the tremendous toils of war, - Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, - Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers, - Lull'd by the cheerful trumpets gladsome clangour, - The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, - He sleeps supine amidst the din of war. - And yet 'tis not definitively sleep; - Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber, - That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses; - For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; - Then nods and snores again. If this be sleep, - Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake! - What says my friend to this? - - _Rig.-Fun._ Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: What a plague - would you have me say? - - _Aldi._ O impious thought! O curst insinuation! - As if great Chrononhotonthologos - To animals detestable and vile - Had aught the least similitude! - - _Rig._ My dear friend! you entirely misapprehend me: I - did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you - that the soldiers have just now receiv'd their pay, and are all as - drunk as so many swabbers. - - _Aldi._ Give orders instantly that no more money - Be issued to the troops. Meantime, my friend, - Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, - To stupefy their souls into sobriety. - - _Rig._ I fancy you had better banish the sutlers, and blow the - Geneva casks to the devil. - - _Aldi._ Thou counsel'st well, my Rigdum-Funnidos, - And reason seems to father thy advice. - But soft!--The king in pensive contemplation - Seems to resolve on some important doubt; - His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric, - Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy, - And makes his tongue the midwife of his mind. - Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. - [_They retire._ - -_Enter_ KING. - - _King._ This god of sleep is watchful to torment me, - And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes: - Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos, - Thou idle slumb'rer, thou detested Somnus: - For if thou dost, by all the waking pow'rs, - I'll tear thine eyeballs from their leaden sockets, - And force thee to outstare eternity. [_Exit in a huff._ - -_Re-enter_ RIGDUM _and_ ALDIBORONTI. - - _Rig._ The king is in a most vile passion! Pray who is this - Mr. Somnus he's so angry withal? - - _Aldi._ The son of Chaos and of Erebus. - Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, - Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue, - Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; - Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, - Brings downy slumbers and refreshing sleep. - - _Rig-Fun._ This gentleman may come of a very good family, - for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the king his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immers'd - In cogibundity of cogitation: - Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, - Till apt attention tell our heart the purport - Of this profound profundity of thought. - -_Re-enter_ KING, NOBLES, _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c._ - - _King._ It is resolv'd. Now, Somnus, I defy thee, - And from mankind ampute thy curs'd dominion. - These royal eyes thou never more shalt close. - Henceforth let no man sleep, on pain of death: - Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry - Keep all mankind eternally awake. - Bid Harlequino decorate the stage - With all magnificence of decoration: - Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pigmies, - Songs, dances, music in its amplest order, - Mimes, pantomimes, and all the magic motion - Of scene deceptiosive and sublime. [_The flat scene draws._ - -[_The_ KING _is seated, and a grand pantomime entertainment is performed, -in the midst of which enters a_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD. - - _Capt._ To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos! - Th' antipodean pow'rs from realms below - Have burst the solid entrails of the earth; - Gushing such cataracts of forces forth, - This world is too incopious to contain 'em: - Armies on armies, march in form stupendous; - Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank, - But tier o'er tier, high pil'd from earth to heaven; - A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, - Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin, - Has laid your royal citadel in ashes. - - _King._ Peace, coward! were they wedg'd like golden ingots, - Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum; - One look from Crononhotonthologos - Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funnidos, - Bid Bombardinion draw his legions forth, - And meet us in the plains of Queerummania. - This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him; - Meantime, bid all the priests prepare their temples - For rites of triumph: let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation, outvociferize - Ev'n sound itself. So be it as we have order'd. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A magnificent Apartment._ - -_Enter_ QUEEN, TATLANTHE, _and two_ LADIES. - - _Queen._ Day's curtain drawn, the morn begins to rise, - And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes: - The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks, - In baas harmonious warble thro' the rocks: - Night gathers up her shades in sable shrouds, - And whispering osiers tattle to the clouds. - What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill, - At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille? - - _Tat._ Your majesty was pleas'd to order tea. - - _Queen._ My mind is alter'd; bring some ratifia. - [_They are served round with a dram._ - I have a famous fiddler sent from France. - Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance? - - _Enter_ FIDDLER. - - _Fid._ Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse, - Would you a solo or sonata choose; - Or bold concerto or soft Sicilinia, - Alla Francese overo in Gusto Romano? - When you command, 'tis done as soon as spoke. - - _Queen._ A civil fellow! Play us the "Black Joak." - [_Music plays._ - [QUEEN _and_ LADIES _dance the_ - "Black Joak." - - So much for dancing; now let's rest a while. - Bring in the tea-things. Does the kettle boil? - - _Tat._ The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip, - Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. - [_Tea brought in._ - - _Queen._ Come, ladies, will you please to choose your tea; - Or green imperial, or Pekoe Bohea? - - _1st Lady._ Never, no, never sure on earth was seen, - So gracious sweet and affable a queen. - - _2nd Lady._ She is an angel. - - _1st Lady._ She's a goddess rather. - - _Tat._ She's angel, queen, and goddess, altogether. - - _Queen._ Away! you flatter me. - - _1st Lady._ We don't indeed: - Your merit does our praise by far exceed. - - _Queen._ You make me blush; pray help me to a fan. - - _1st Lady._ That blush becomes you. - - _Tat._ Would I were a man. - - _Queen._ I'll hear no more of these fantastic airs. - [_Bell rings._ - The bell rings in. Come, ladies, let's to pray'rs. - [_They dance off._ - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - -_Rig._ Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would have thought -that Chrononhotonthologos should beat that mortal sight of Tippodeans? -Why, there's not a mother's child of them to be seen, egad, they footed -it away as fast as their hands could carry 'em; but they have left their -king behind 'em. We have him safe, that's one comfort. - - _Aldi._ Would he were still at amplest liberty. - For, oh! my dearest Rigdum-Funnidos; - I have a riddle to unriddle to thee, - Shall make thee stare thyself into a statue. - Our queen's in love with this Antipodean. - - _Rigdum._ The devil she is? Well, I see mischief is going - forward with a vengeance. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the conq'ror comes all crown'd with conquest! - A solemn triumph graces his return. - Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion, - To greet the victor, in his flow of glory. - - [_A grand triumph._] - -_Enter_ CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, GUARDS _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c., met by_ -RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Aldi._ All hail to Chrononhotonthologos! - Thrice trebly welcome to your royal subjects. - Myself, and faithful Rigdum-Funnidos, - Lost in a labyrinth of love and loyalty, - Entreat you to inspect our inmost souls, - And read in them what tongue can never utter. - - _Chro._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio, - To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos, - Our gratulations flow in streams unbounded: - Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty, - Which shall with inter'st be repaid ere long. - But where's our queen? where's Fadladinida? - She should be foremost in the gladsome train, - To grace our triumph; but I see she slights me. - This haughty queen shall be no longer mine, - I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. - -_Rig._ Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a swinging lie to bring the -queen off, and I'll run with it to her this minute, that we may be all in -a story. Say she has got the thorough-go-nimble. - - [_Whispers, and steals off._ - - _Aldi._ Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos, - In accents so injuriously severe - Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen: - By me she sends an embassy of love, - Sweet blandishments and kind congratulations, - But cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself. - - _King._ Our rage is turn'd to fear: what ails the queen? - - _Aldi._ A sudden diarrhoea's rapid force, - So stimulates the peristaltic motion, - That she by far out-does her late out-doing, - And all conclude her royal life in danger. - - _King._ Bid the physicians of the world assemble - In consultation, solemn and sedate: - More, to corroborate their sage resolves, - Call from their graves the learned men of old: - Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus; - Doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, chemists, - All! all! attend; and see they bring their med'cines, - Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums, - Materializ'd in pharmaceutic order. - The man that cures our queen shall have our empire. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A Garden._ - -_Enter_ TATLANTHE _and_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Heigh ho! my heart! - - _Tat._ What ails my gracious queen? - - _Queen._ Oh, would to Venus I had never seen! - - _Tat._ Seen what, my royal mistress? - - _Queen._ Too, too much! - - _Tat._ Did it affright you? - - _Queen._ No, 'tis nothing such. - - _Tat._ What was it, madam? - - _Queen._ Really I don't know. - - _Tat._ It must be something! - - _Queen._ No! - - _Tat._ Or nothing! - - _Queen._ No. - - _Tat._ Then I conclude, of course, since it was neither, - Nothing and something jumbled well together. - - _Queen._ Oh! my Tatlanthe, have you never seen! - - _Tat._ Can I guess what, unless you tell, my queen? - - _Queen._ The king I mean. - - _Tat._ Just now return'd from war: - He rides like Mars in his triumphal car. - Conquest precedes with laurels in his hand; - Behind him Fame does on her tripos stand; - Her golden trump shrill thro' the air she sounds, - Which rends the earth, and then to heaven rebounds; - Trophies and spoils innumerable grace - This triumph, which all triumphs does deface: - Haste then, great queen! your hero thus to meet, - Who longs to lay his laurels at your feet. - - _Queen._ Art mad, Tatlanthe? I meant no such thing. - Your talk's distasteful. - - _Tat._ Didn't you name the king? - - _Queen._ I did, Tatlanthe, but it was not thine; - The charming king I mean is only mine. - - _Tat._ Who else, who else, but such a charming fair, - In Chrononhotonthologos should share? - The queen of beauty, and the god of arms, - In him and you united blend their charms. - Oh! had you seen him, how he dealt out death, - And at one stroke robb'd thousands of their breath: - While on the slaughter'd heaps himself did rise, - In pyramids of conquest to the skies. - The gods all hail'd, and fain would have him stay; - But your bright charms have call'd him thence away. - - _Queen._ This does my utmost indignation raise: - You are too pertly lavish in his praise. - Leave me for ever! [TATLANTHE _kneeling._ - - _Tat._ Oh! what shall I say? - Do not, great queen, your anger thus display! - Oh, frown me dead! let me not live to hear - My gracious queen and mistress so severe! - I've made some horrible mistake, no doubt; - Oh! tell me what it is! - - _Queen._ No, find it out. - - _Tat._ No, I will never leave you; here I'll grow - Till you some token of forgiveness show. - Oh! all ye powers above, come down, come down! - And from her brow dispel that angry frown. - - _Queen._ Tatlanthe, rise, you have prevail'd at last; - Offend no more, and I'll excuse what's past. - [TATLANTHE _aside, rising._ - -_Tat._ Why, what a fool was I, not to perceive her passion for the -topsy-turvy king--the gentleman that carries his head where his heels -should be! But I must tack about, I see. - -_To the_ QUEEN. - - Excuse me, gracious madam, if my heart - Bears sympathy with yours in every part; - With you alike, I sorrow and rejoice, - Approve your passion, and commend your choice; - The captive king. - - _Queen._ That's he! that's he! that's he! - I'd die ten thousand deaths to set him free. - Oh! my Tatlanthe! have you seen his face, - His air, his shape, his mien, his ev'ry grace? - In what a charming attitude he stands, - How prettily he foots it with his hands! - Well, to his arms, no to his legs I fly, - For I must have him, if I live or die. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Bedchamber._ - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS _asleep._ - - [_Rough music, viz., salt-boxes and rolling-pins, gridirons and - tongs; sow-gelders' horns, marrowbones and cleavers, &c. &c. He - wakes._ - - _Chro._ What heav'nly sounds are these that charm my ears! - Sure 'tis the music of the tuneful spheres. - -_Enter_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. - - _Cap._ A messenger from Gen'ral Bombardinion - Craves instant audience of your majesty. - - _Chro._ Give him admittance. - -_Enter_ HERALD. - - _Her._ Long life to Chrononhotonthologos! - Your faithful Gen'ral Bombardinion - Sends you his tongue, transplanted in my mouth, - To pour his soul out in your royal ears. - - _Chro._ Then use thy master's tongue with reverence. - Nor waste it in thine own loquacity, - But briefly and at large declare thy message. - - _Her._ Suspend awhile, great Chrononhotonthologos, - The fate of empires and the toils of war; - And in my tent let's quaff Falernian wine - Till our souls mount and emulate the gods. - Two captive females, beauteous as the morn, - Submissive to your wishes, court your option. - Haste then, great king, to bless us with your presence. - Our scouts already watch the wish'd approach, - Which shall be welcom'd by the drums' dread rattle, - The cannons' thunder, and the trumpets' blast; - While I, in front of mighty myrmidons, - Receive my king in all the pomp of war. - - _Chro._ Tell him I come; my flying steed prepare; - Ere thou art half on horseback I'll be there. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Prison._ - -_The King of the Antipodes discover'd sleeping on a couch. Enter_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Is this a place, oh! all ye gods above, - This a reception for the man I love? - See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps, - While Nature's self at his confinement weeps. - Rise, lovely monarch! see your friend appear, - No Chrononhotonthologos is here; - Command your freedom, by this sacred ring; - Then command me. What says my charming king? - - [_She puts the ring in his mouth, he bends the - sea-crab, and makes a roaring noise._ - - _Queen._ What can this mean! he lays his feet at mine: - Is this of love or hate, his country's sign? - Ah! wretched queen! how hapless is thy lot, - To love a man that understands thee not! - Oh! lovely Venus, goddess all divine! - And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine, - Assist, assist me, with your sacred art, - And teach me to obtain this stranger's heart. - -VENUS _descends in her chariot, and sings._ - -AIR. - - _Ven._ See Venus does attend thee, - My dilding, my dolding. - Love's goddess will befriend thee, - Lily bright and shiny. - With pity and compassion. - My dilding, my dolding, - She sees thy tender passion, - Lily, &c. _Da capo._ - - _Air changes._ - - To thee I yield my pow'r divine, - Dance over the Lady Lee, - Demand whate'er thou wilt, 'tis thine, - My gay lady. - Take this magic wand in hand, - Dance, &c. - All the world's at thy command, - My gay, &c. _Da capo_. - -CUPID _descends and sings._ - -AIR. - - Are you a widow, or are you a wife? - Gilly-flow'r, gentle rosemary. - Or are you a maiden, so fair and so bright? - As the dew that flies over the mulberry-tree. - - _Queen._ Would I were a widow, as I am a wife, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - But I'm to my sorrow, a maiden as bright, - As the dew, &c. - - _Cupid._ You shall be a widow before it is night, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - No longer a maiden so fair and so bright, - As the dew, &c. - Two jolly young husbands your favour shall share, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - And twenty fine babies all lovely and fair, - As the dew, &c. - - _Queen._ O thanks, Mr. Cupid! for this your good news, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - What woman alive would such favours refuse? - While the dew, &c. - - [VENUS _and_ CUPID _re-ascend; the_ QUEEN _goes off, and the King - of the Antipodes follows, walking on his hands. Scene closes._ - - -SCENE.--BOMBARDINION'S _Tent._ - -KING _and_ BOMBARDINION, _at a table, with two Ladies._ - - _Bomb._ This honour, royal sir! so royalizes - The royalty of your most royal actions, - The dumb can only utter forth your praise; - For we, who speak, want words to tell our meaning. - Here! fill the goblet with Falernian wine, - And, while our monarch drinks, bid the shrill trumpet - Tell all the gods, that we propine their healths. - - _King._ Hold, Bombardinion, I esteem it fit, - With so much wine, to eat a little bit. - - _Bomb._ See that the table instantly be spread, - With all that art and nature can produce. - Traverse from pole to pole; sail round the globe, - Bring every eatable that can be eat: - The king shall eat; tho' all mankind be starv'd. - - _Cook._ I am afraid his majesty will be starv'd, before I can - run round the world, for a dinner; besides, where's the money? - - _King._ Ha! dost thou prattle, contumacious slave? - Guards, seize the villain? broil him, fry him, stew him; - Ourselves shall eat him out of mere revenge. - - _Cook._ O pray, your majesty, spare my life; there's some nice - cold pork in the pantry: I'll hash it for your majesty in a - minute. - - _King._ Be thou first hash'd in hell, audacious slave. - - [_Kills him, and turns to_ BOMBARDINION. - - Hash'd pork! shall Chrononhotonthologos - Be fed with swine's flesh, and at second-hand? - Now, by the gods! thou dost insult us, general! - - _Bomb._ The gods can witness, that I little thought - Your majesty to other flesh than this - Had aught the least propensity. [_Points to the ladies._ - - _King._ Is this a dinner for a hungry monarch? - - _Bomb._ Monarchs, as great as Chrononhotonthologos, - Have made a very hearty meal of worse. - - _King_ Ha! traitor! dost thou brave me to my teeth? - Take this reward, and learn to mock thy master. - [_Strikes him._ - - _Bomb._ A blow! shall Bombardinion take a blow? - Blush! blush, thou sun! start back thou rapid ocean! - Hills! vales! seas! mountains! all commixing crumble, - And into chaos pulverize the world; - For Bombardinion has receiv'd a blow, - And Chrononhotonthologos shall die. [_Draws._ - - [_The women run off, crying, "Help! Murder!" &c._ - - _King._ What means the traitor? - - _Bomb._ Traitor in thy teeth, - Thus I defy thee! - [_They fight, he kills the King._ - - Ha! what have I done? - Go, call a coach, and let a coach be call'd; - And let the man that calls it be the caller; - And, in his calling, let him nothing call, - But coach! coach! coach! Oh! for a coach, ye gods! - [_Exit raving._ - - _Returns with a_ DOCTOR. - - _Bomb._ How fares your majesty? - - _Doct._ My lord, he's dead. - - _Bomb._ Ha! dead! impossible! it cannot be! - I'd not believe it, tho' himself should swear it. - Go join his body to his soul again, - Or, by this light, thy soul shall quit thy body. - - _Doct._ My lord, he's far beyond the power of physic, - His soul has left his body and this world. - - _Bomb._ Then go to t'other world and fetch it back. - [_Kills him._ - - And, if I find thou triflest with me there, - I'll chase thy shade through myriads of orbs, - And drive thee far beyond the verge of Nature. - Ha!--Call'st thou, Chrononhotonthologos? - I come! your faithful Bombardinion comes! - He comes in worlds unknown to make new wars, - And gain thee empires num'rous as the stars. - - [_Kills himself._ - - _Enter_ QUEEN _and others._ - - _Aldi._ O horrid! horrible, and horrid'st horror! - Our king! our general! our cook! our doctor! - All dead! stone dead! irrevocably dead! - O----h!---- [_All groan, a tragedy groan._ - - _Queen._ My husband dead! ye gods! what is't you mean, - To make a widow of a virgin queen? - For, to my great misfortune, he, poor king, - Has left me so; aint that a wretched thing? - - _Tat._ Why then, dear madam, make me no farther pother, - Were I your majesty, I'd try another. - - _Queen._ I think 'tis best to follow thy advice. - - _Tat._ I'll fit you with a husband in a trice: - Here's Rigdum-Funnidos, a proper man; - If any one can please a queen, he can. - - _Rig-Fun._ Ay, that I can, and please your majesty. - So, ceremonies apart, let's proceed to business. - - _Queen_. Oh! but the mourning takes up all my care, - I'm at a loss what kind of weeds to wear. - - _Rig-Fun_. Never talk of mourning, madam, - One ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow, - Take me at once, and let us wed to-morrow. - I'll make thee a great man, my little Phoscophorny. - [_To_ ALDI, _aside_. - - _Aldi_. I scorn your bounty; I'll be king, or nothing. - Draw, miscreant! draw! - - _Rig_. No, sir, I'll take the law. - [_Runs behind the_ QUEEN. - - _Queen_. Well, gentlemen, to make the matter easy, - I'll have you both; and that, I hope, will please ye. - And now, Tatlanthe, thou art all my care: - Where shall I find thee such another pair? - Pity that you, who've serv'd so long, so well, - Should die a virgin, and lead apes in hell. - Choose for yourself, dear girl, our empire round, - Your portion is twelve hundred thousand pound. - - _Aldi_. Here! take these dead and bloody corps away; - Make preparation for our wedding day. - Instead of sad solemnity, and black, - Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack. - - - - - _The next piece is taken from successive numbers of_ THE - ANTI-JACOBIN, _which was planned by_ Canning, _and of which the - first number appeared on the_ 20_th of November_, 1797_. "_The - Rovers, or the Double Arrangement_," _was the joint work of_ George - Canning, George Ellis, _and_ John Hookham Frere. - - - - -THE ROVERS; - -OR, THE DOUBLE ARRANGEMENT. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - PRIOR _of the_ ABBEY _of_ QUEDLINBURGH, - _very corpulent and cruel_. - - ROGERO, _a Prisoner in the Abbey, - in love with_ MATILDA POTTINGEN. - - CASIMERE, _a Polish Emigrant, in - Dembrowsky's Legion, married - to_ CECILIA, _but having several - children by_ MATILDA. - - PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON, - _English Noblemen exiled by the - Tyranny of King John, previous - to the signature of Magna - Charta_. - - RODERIC, _Count of Saxe Weimar, - a bloody Tyrant, with red hair, - and an amorous complexion_. - - GASPAR, _the Minister of the Count; - Author of_ ROGERO'S _confinement_. - - _Young_ POTTINGEN, _brother to_ MATILDA. - - MATILDA POTTINGEN, _in love with_ - ROGERO, _and mother to_ CASIMERE'S - _children_. - - CECILIA MÃœCKENFELD, _wife to_ - CASIMERE. - - _Landlady, Waiter, Grenadiers, - Troubadours, &c._ - - PANTALOWSKY, _and_ BRITCHINDA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ CASIMERE. - - JOACHIM, JABEL, _and_ AMARANTHA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ - ROGERO. - - _Children of_ CASIMERE _and_ CECILIA, - _with their respective Nurses_. - - Several Children; Fathers and - Mothers unknown. - -THE SCENE LIES IN THE TOWN OF WEIMAR, AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF THE ABBEY -OF QUEDLINBURGH. - -_Time, from the Twelfth to the present Century._ - - -PROLOGUE. - -(_In character._) - - Too long the triumphs of our early times, - With civil discord, and with regal crimes, - Have stain'd these boards; while Shakespeare's pen has shown - Thoughts, manners, men, to modern days unknown. - Too long have Rome and Athens been the rage; [_Applause._ - And classic buskins soil'd a British stage. - To-night our bard, who scorns pedantic rules, - His plot has borrow'd from the German schools; - --The German schools--where no dull maxims bind - The bold expansion of the electric mind. - Fix'd to no period, circled by no space, - He leaps the flaming bounds of time and place: - Round the dark confines of the forest raves, - With _gentle_ robbers[204] stocks his gloomy caves; - Tells how prime ministers[205] are shocking things, - And _reigning dukes_ as bad as tyrant kings; - How to _two_ swains[206] _one_ nymph her vows may give, - And how _two_ damsels with _one_ lover live! - Delicious scenes!--such scenes _our_ bard displays, - Which, crown'd with German, sue for British, praise. - Slow are the steeds, that through Germania's roads - With hempen rein the slumbering post-boy goads; - Slow is the slumbering post-boy, who proceeds - Through deep sands floundering, on those tardy steeds; - More slow, more tedious, from his husky throat - Twangs through the twisted horn the struggling note. - These truths confess'd--Oh! yet, ye travell'd few, - Germania's _plays_ with eyes unjaundiced view! - View and approve!--though in each passage fine - The faint translation[207] mock the genuine line; - Though the nice ear the erring sight belie, - For _U twice dotted_ is pronounced like _I_; - [_Applause._ - Yet oft the scene shall Nature's fire impart, - Warm _from_ the breast, and glowing _to_ the heart! - Ye travell'd few, attend! On _you_ our bard - Builds his fond hope! Do you his genius guard! [_Applause._ - Nor let succeeding generations say-- - A British audience _damn'd_ a German play. - [_Loud and continued applauses._ - - [_Flash of lightning_.--_The ghost of_ PROLOGUE'S GRANDMOTHER, - _by the father's side, appears to soft music, in a white tiffany - riding-hood_. PROLOGUE _kneels to receive her blessing, which she - gives in a solemn and affecting manner, the audience clapping and - crying all the while_.--_Flash of lightning_.--PROLOGUE _and his_ - GRANDMOTHER _sink through the trap-door_. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - - _Represents a room at an Inn, at Weimar--On one side - of the stage the bar-room, with jellies, lemons in nets, - syllabubs, and part of a cold roast fowl._ &c.--_On the opposite - side a window looking into the street, through which - persons (inhabitants of Weimar) are seen passing to and fro - in apparent agitation_.--MATILDA _appears in a great-coat - and riding habit, seated at the corner of the dinner-table, - which is covered with a clean huckaback cloth_.--_Plates and - napkins, with buck's-horn-handled knives and forks, are - laid as if for four persons_. - -MATILDA. - - _Mat._ Is it impossible for me to have dinner sooner? - - _Land._ Madam, the Brunswick post-waggon is not yet come in, - and the ordinary is never before two o'clock. - - _Mat._ [_with a look expressive of disappointment, but immediately - recomposing herself._] Well, then, I must have patience. - [_Exit Landlady._] Oh Casimere! How often have the thoughts - of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation! What - a difference, alas! Dinner--it is taken away as soon as over, - and we regret it not! It returns again with the return of - appetite. The beef of to-morrow will succeed to the mutton of - to-day, as the mutton of to-day succeeded to the veal of yesterday. - But when once the heart has been occupied by a beloved - object, in vain would we attempt to supply the chasm by - another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to - dish! Love only, dear, delusive, delightful love, restrains our - wandering appetites, and confines them to a particular - gratification!... - -_Post-horn blows._--_Re-enter_ LANDLADY. - -_Land._ Madam, the post-waggon is come in with only a single gentlewoman. - -_Mat._ Then show her up--and let us have dinner instantly; [_Landlady -going_] and remember--[_after a moment's recollection, and with great -eagerness_]--remember the toasted cheese. - - [_Exit_ LANDLADY. - -CECILIA _enters, in a brown cloth riding-dress, as if just alighted from -the post-waggon._ - -_Mat._ Madam, you seem to have had an unpleasant journey, if I may judge -from the dust on your riding-habit. - -_Cec._ The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was delightful. It -recall'd to me those blissful moments when the rays of desire first -vibrated through my soul. - -_Mat._ [_aside_.] Thank Heaven! I have at last found a heart which is -in unison with my own [_to Cecilia_.] Yes, I understand you--the first -pulsation of sentiment--the silver tones upon the yet unsounded harp.... - -_Cec._ The dawn of life--when this blossom [_putting her hand upon her -heart_] first expanded its petals to the penetrating dart of love! - -_Mat._ Yes--the time--the golden time, when the first beams of the -morning meet and embrace one another! The blooming blue upon the yet -unplucked plum!... - -_Cec._ Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam. - -_Mat._ And yours too is glowing with illumination. - -_Cec._ I had long been looking out for a congenial spirit! My heart was -withered, but the beams of yours have rekindled it. - -_Mat._ A sudden thought strikes me: let us swear an eternal friendship. - -_Cec._ Let us agree to live together! - - _Mat._ Willingly. [_With rapidity and earnestness._ - - _Cec._ Let us embrace. [_They embrace._ - - _Mat._ Yes; I too have loved!--you, too, like me, have been forsaken! - [_Doubtingly and as if with a desire to be informed._ - -_Cec._ Too true! - -_Both._ Ah, these men! these men! - -LANDLADY _enters, and places a leg of mut'on on the table, with sour -krout and prune sauce_--_then a small dish of black puddings._ CECILIA -_and_ MATILDA _appear to take no notice of her._ - -_Mat._ Oh, Casimere! - -_Cec._ [_aside_.] Casimere! that name! Oh, my heart, how it is distracted -with anxiety. - -_Mat._ Heavens! Madam, you turn pale. - -_Cec._ Nothing--a slight megrim--with your leave, I will retire. - -_Mat._ I will attend you. - - [_Exeunt_ MATILDA _and_ CECILIA. _Manent_ LANDLADY _and_ WAITER - _with the dinner on the table_. - -_Land._ Have you carried the dinner to the prisoner in the vaults of the -abbey! - -_Waiter._ Yes. Pease-soup, as usual--with the scrag-end of a neck of -mutton--the emissary of the Count was here again this morning, and -offered me a large sum of money if I would consent to poison him. - - _Land._ Which you refused? [_With hesitation and anxiety._ - - _Waiter._ Can you doubt it? [_With indignation._ - -_Land._ [_recovering herself, and drawing up with an expression of -dignity_.] The conscience of a poor man is as valuable to him as that of -a prince. - -_Waiter._ It ought to be still more so, in proportion as it is generally -more pure. - -_Land._ Thou say'st truly, Job. - -_Waiter_ [_with enthusiasm_.] He who can spurn at wealth when proffer'd -as the price of crime, is greater than a prince. - -_Post-horn blows. Enter_ CASIMERE, _in a travelling dress--a light blue -great-coat with large metal buttons--his hair in a long queue, but -twisted at the end; a large Kevenhuller hat; a cane in his hand._ - -_Cas._ Here, waiter, pull of my boots, and bring me a pair of slippers -[_Exit_ WAITER.] And heark'ye, my lad, a bason of water [_rubbing his -hands_] and a bit of soap--I have not washed since I began my journey. - -_Waiter_ [_answering from behind the door_.] Yes, sir. - -_Cas._ Well, landlady, what company are we to have? - -_Land._ Only two gentlewomen, sir. They are just stepp'd into the next -room--they will be back again in a minute. - -_Cas._ Where do they come from? - - [_All this while the_ WAITER _re-enters with the bason and water_, - CASIMERE _pulls off his boots, takes a napkin from the table, and - washes his face and hands_. - -_Land._ There is one of them, I think, comes from Nuremburgh. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] From Nuremburgh; [_with eagerness_] her name? - -_Land._ Matilda. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] How does this idiot woman torment me! What else? - -_Land._ I can't recollect. - - _Cas._ Oh agony! [_In a paroxysm of agitation._ - -_Waiter._ See here, her name upon the travelling trunk--Matilda Pottingen. - - _Cas._ Ecstasy! ecstasy! [_Embracing the_ WAITER. - -_Land._ You seem to be acquainted with the lady--shall I call her? - -_Cas._ Instantly--instantly--tell her, her loved, her, long lost--tell -her---- - -_Land._ Shall I tell her dinner is ready? - -_Cas._ Do so--and in the meanwhile I will look after my portmanteau. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - _Scene changes to a subterraneous vault in the Abbey of - Quedlinburgh, with coffins, 'scutcheous, Death's heads and - cross-bones._--_Toads, and other loathsome reptiles are seen - traversing the obscurer parts of the Stage._--ROGERO _appears - in chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown, - and a cap of a grotesque form upon his head._--_Beside him a - crock, or pitcher, supposed to contain his daily allowance of - sustenance._--_A long silence, during which the wind is heard to - whistle through the caverns._--ROGERO _rises, and comes slowly - forward, with his arms folded._ - -_Rog._ Eleven years! it is now eleven years since I was first -immured in this living sepulchre--the cruelty of a minister--the -perfidy of a monk--yes, Matilda! for thy sake--alive amidst the -dead--chained--coffined--confined--cut off from the converse of my -fellow-men. Soft! what have we here? [_stumbles over a bundle of -sticks_.] This cavern is so dark, that I can scarcely distinguish the -objects under my feet. Oh! the register of my captivity. Let me see, -how stands the account? [_takes up the sticks and turns them over with -a melancholy air; then stands silent for a few moments, as if absorbed -in calculation_.] Eleven years and fifteen days! Hah! the twenty-eighth -of August! How does the recollection of it vibrate on my heart! It was -on this day that I took my last leave of my Matilda. It was a summer -evening--her melting hand seemed to dissolve in mine, as I press'd it to -my bosom. Some demon whispered me that I should never see her more. I -stood gazing on the hated vehicle which was conveying her away for ever. -The tears were petrified under my eyelids. My heart was crystallized with -agony. Anon, I looked along the road. The diligence seemed to diminish -every instant. I felt my heart beat against its prison, as if anxious -to leap out and overtake it. My soul whirled round as I watched the -rotation of the hinder wheels. A long trail of glory followed after her, -and mingled with the dust--it was the emanation of Divinity, luminous -with love and beauty, like the splendour of the setting sun; but it told -me that the sun of my joys was sunk for ever. Yes, here in the depths -of an eternal dungeon--in the nursing cradle of hell--the suburbs of -perdition --in a nest of demons, where despair, in vain, sits brooding -over the putrid eggs of hope; where agony woos the embrace of death; -where patience, beside the bottomless pool of despondency, sits angling -for impossibilities. Yet even _here_, to behold her, to embrace her--yes, -Matilda, whether in this dark abode, amidst toads and spiders, or in a -royal palace, amidst the more loathsome reptiles of a Court, would be -indifferent to me. Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation -upon our heads--while fiends would envy the eternity of suffering -love.... Soft, what air was that? it seemed a sound of more than human -warblings. Again [_listens attentively for some minutes_]--only the wind. -It is well, however; it reminds me of that melancholy air which has so -often solaced the hours of my captivity. Let me see whether the damps of -this dungeon have not yet injured my guitar. [_Takes his guitar, tunes -it, and begins the following air, with a full accompaniment of violins -from the orchestra._] - - [AIR, _Lanterna Magica._] - - -SONG. - -BY ROGERO. - -I. - - Whene'er with haggard eyes I view - This dungeon that I'm rotting in, - I think of those companions true - Who studied with me at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen,-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he wipes his - eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds_-- - -II. - - Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue, - Which once my love sat knotting in!-- - Alas! Matilda _then_ was true!-- - At least I thought so at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_At the repetition of this line,_ ROGERO _clanks his chains in - cadence._ - -III. - - Barbs! barbs! alas! how swift you flew, - Her neat post-waggon trotting in! - Ye bore Matilda from my view; - Forlorn I languish'd at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -IV. - - This faded form! this pallid hue! - This blood my veins is clotting in, - My years are many--they were few - When first I entered at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingon-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -V. - - There first for thee my passion grew, - Sweet! sweet Matilda Pottingen! - Thou wast the daughter of my tu-- - --tor, Law Professor at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -VI. - - Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu, - That kings and priests are plotting in: - Here doom'd to starve on water gru-- - --el, never shall I see the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_During the last stanza_, ROGERO _dashes his head repeatedly - against the walls of his prison; and, finally, so hard as to - produce a visible contusion. He then throws himself on the floor - in an agony. The curtain drops--the music still continuing to play - till it is wholly fallen._ - - * * * * * - -We have received, in the course of the last week, several long, and to -say the truth, dull letters, from unknown hands, reflecting, in very -severe terms, on Mr. Higgins, for having, as it is affirmed, attempted -to pass upon the world, as a faithful sample of the productions of the -German Theatre, a performance no way resembling any of those pieces, -which have of late excited, and which bid fair to engross the admiration -of the British public. - -As we cannot but consider ourselves as the guardians of Mr. Higgins's -literary reputation, in respect to every work of his which is conveyed -to the world through the medium of our paper (though, what we think of -the danger of his principles, we have already sufficiently explained for -ourselves, and have, we trust, succeeded in putting our readers upon -their guard against them)--we hold ourselves bound not only to justify -the fidelity of the imitation, but (contrary to our original intention) -to give a further specimen of it in our present number, in order to bring -the question more fairly to issue between our author and his calumniators. - -In the first place, we are to observe that Mr. Higgins professes to -have taken his notion of German plays wholly from the translations which -have appeared in our language. If _they_ are totally dissimilar from -the originals, Mr. H. may undoubtedly have been led into error; but the -fault is in the translators, not in him. That he does not differ widely -from the models which he proposed to himself, we have it in our power -to prove satisfactorily; and might have done so in our last number, by -subjoining to each particular passage of his play, the scene in some one -or other of the German plays, which he had in view when he wrote it. -These parallel passages were faithfully pointed out to us by Mr. H. with -that candour which marks his character; and if they were suppressed by -us (as in truth they were), on our heads be the blame, whatever it may -be. Little, indeed, did we think of the imputation which the omission -would bring upon Mr. H., as, in fact, our principal reason for it was the -apprehension that, from the extreme closeness of the imitation in most -instances, he would lose in praise for invention more than he would gain -in credit for fidelity. - -The meeting between Matilda and Cecilia, for example, in the first -act of the "Rovers," and their sudden intimacy, has been censured as -unnatural. Be it so. It is taken _almost word for word_ from "Stella," -a German (or professedly a German) piece now much in vogue; from which -also the catastrophe of Mr. Higgins's play is in part borrowed, so far as -relates to the agreement to which the ladies come, as the reader will see -by-and-by, to share Casimere between them. - -The dinner scene is copied partly from the published translation of the -"Stranger," and partly from the first scene of "Stella." The song of -Rogero, with which the first act concludes, is admitted on all hands to -be in the very first taste; and if no German original is to be found for -it, so much the worse for the credit of German literature. - -An objection has been made by one anonymous letter-writer, to the names -of Puddingfield and Beefington, as little likely to have been assigned -to English characters by any author of taste or discernment. In answer -to this objection, we have, in the first place, to admit that a small, -and we hope not an unwarrantable alteration has been made by us since -the MS. has been in our hands. These names stood originally Puddincrantz -and Beefinstern, which sounded to our ears as being liable, especially -the latter, to a ridiculous inflection--a difficulty that could only be -removed by furnishing them with English terminations. With regard to the -more substantial syllables of the names, our author proceeded in all -probability on the authority of Goldoni, who, though not a German, is an -Italian writer of considerable reputation; and who, having heard that -the English were distinguished for their love of liberty and beef, has -judiciously compounded the two words _Runnymede_ and _beef_, and thereby -produced an English nobleman, whom he styles _Lord Runnybeef_. - -To dwell no longer on particular passages--the best way perhaps of -explaining the whole scope and view of Mr. H.'s imitation, will be to -transcribe the short sketch of the plot, which that gentleman transmitted -to us, together with his drama; and which it is perhaps the more -necessary to give at length, as the limits of our paper not allowing of -the publication of the whole piece, some general knowledge of its main -design may be acceptable to our readers, in order to enable them to judge -of the several extracts which we lay before them. - - -PLOT. - -Rogero, son of the late Minister of the Count of Saxe Weimar, having, -while he was at college, fallen desperately in love with Matilda -Pottingen, daughter of his tutor, Doctor Engelbertus Pottingen, Professor -of Civil Law; and Matilda evidently returning his passion, the doctor, to -prevent ill consequences, sends his daughter on a visit to her aunt in -Wetteravia, where she becomes acquainted with Casimere, a Polish officer, -who happens to be quartered near her aunt's, and has several children by -him. - -Roderic, Count of Saxe Weimar, a prince of tyrannical and licentious -disposition, has for his Prime Minister and favourite, Gaspar, a crafty -villain, who had risen to his post by first ruining, and then putting to -death, Rogero's father. Gaspar, apprehensive of the power and popularity -which the young Rogero may enjoy at his return to Court, seizes the -occasion of his intrigue with Matilda (of which he is apprised officially -by Doctor Pottingen) to procure from his master an order for the recall -of Rogero from college, and for committing him to the care of the prior -of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, a priest, rapacious, savage, and sensual, -and devoted to Gaspar's interests--sending at the same time private -orders to the prior to confine him in a dungeon. - -Here Rogero languishes many years. His daily sustenance is administered -to him through a grated opening at the top of a cavern, by the -landlady of the Golden Eagle at Weimar, with whom Gaspar contracts, -in the Prince's name, for his support; intending, and more than once -endeavouring, to corrupt the waiter to mingle poison with the food, in -order that he may get rid of Rogero for ever. - -In the meantime Casimere, having been called away from the neighbourhood -of Matilda's residence to other quarters, becomes enamoured of, and -marries Cecilia, by whom he has a family; and whom he likewise deserts -after a few years' cohabitation, on pretence of business which calls him -to Kamtschatka. - -Doctor Pottingen, now grown old and infirm, and feeling the want of his -daughter's society, sends young Pottingen in search of her, with strict -injunctions not to return without her; and to bring with her either her -present lover Casimere, or, should that not be possible, Rogero himself, -if he can find him; the doctor having set his heart upon seeing his -children comfortably settled before his death. Matilda, about the same -period, quits her aunt's in search of Casimere; and Cecilia having been -advertised (by an anonymous letter) of the falsehood of his Kamtschatka -journey, sets out in the post-waggon on a similar pursuit. - -It is at this point of time the play opens--with the accidental meeting -of Cecilia and Matilda at the inn at Weimar. Casimere arrives there soon -after, and falls in first with Matilda, and then with Cecilia. Successive -_éclaircissements_ take place, and an arrangement is finally made, by -which the two ladies are to live jointly with Casimere. - -Young Pottingen, wearied with a few weeks' search, during which he has -not been able to find either of the objects of it, resolves to stop -at Weimar, and wait events there. It so happens, that he takes up his -lodging in the same house with Puddincrantz and Beefinstern, two English -noblemen, whom the tyranny of King John has obliged to fly from their -country; and who, after wandering about the Continent for some time, have -fixed their residence at Weimar. - -The news of the signature of Magna Charta arriving, determines -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern to return to England. Young Pottingen opens -his case to them, and entreats them to stay to assist him in the object -of his search. This they refuse; but coming to the inn where they are -to set off for Hamburgh, they meet Casimere, from whom they have both -received many civilities in Poland. - -Casimere, by this time tired of his "Double Arrangement," and having -learned from the waiter that Rogero is confined in the vaults of the -neighbouring Abbey _for love_, resolves to attempt his rescue, and to -make over Matilda to him as the price of his deliverance. He communicates -his scheme to Puddingfield and Beefington, who agree to assist him; as -also does young Pottingen. The waiter of the inn proving to be a _Knight -Templar_ in disguise, is appointed leader of the expedition. A band of -troubadours, who happen to be returning from the Crusades, and a company -of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers returning from the Seven Years' War, -are engaged as troops. - -The attack on the Abbey is made with success. The Count of Weimar and -Gaspar, who are feasting with the prior, are seized and beheaded in the -refectory. The prior is thrown into the dungeon, from which Rogero is -rescued. Matilda and Cecilia rush in. The former recognizes Rogero, and -agrees to live with him. The children are produced on all sides; and -young Pottingen is commissioned to write to his father, the doctor, to -detail the joyful events which have taken place, and to invite him to -Weimar, to partake of the general felicity. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_A Room in an ordinary Lodging-house at - Weimar._--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _discovered, sitting at - a small deal table, and playing at All-fours.--Young_ POTTINGEN, - _at another table in the corner of the room, with a pipe in his - mouth, and a Saxon mug of a singular shape beside him, which he - repeatedly applies to his lips, turning back his head, and casting - his eyes towards the firmament. At the last trial he holds the mug - for some moments in a directly inverted position; then replaces it - on the table, with an air of dejection, and gradually sinks into - a profound slumber. The pipe falls from his hand, and is broken._ - -_Beef._ I beg. - -_Pudd._ [_deals three cards to_ BEEFINGTON.] Are you satisfied? - -_Beef._ Enough. What have you? - -_Pudd._ High--low--and the game. - - _Beef._ Ah! 'tis my deal [_deals--turns up a knave_.] One - for his heels! [_Triumphantly._ - - _Pudd._ Is king highest? - - _Beef._ No [_sternly._] The game is mine. The knave gives it me. - - _Pudd._ Are knaves so prosperous? - Ay, marry are they in this world. They have the game in their - hands. Your kings are but _noddies_[208] to them. - -_Pudd._ Ha! ha! ha!--still the same proud spirit, Beefington, which -procured thee thine exile from England. - -_Beef._ England! my native land!--when shall I revisit thee? - - [_During this time_ PUDDINGFIELD _deals, and begins to arrange his - hand_. - -_Beef._ [_continues._] Phoo--hang all-fours; what are they to a mind -ill at ease? Can they cure the heart-ache? Can they sooth banishment? -Can they lighten ignominy? Can all-fours do this? Oh! my Puddingfield, -thy limber and lightsome spirit bounds up against affliction--with the -elasticity of a well-bent bow; but mine--O! mine-- - - [_Falls into an agony, and sinks back in his chair._ YOUNG - POTTINGEN _awakened by the noise, rises, and advances with a grave - demeanour towards_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. _The former - begins to recover_. - -_Y. Pot._ What is the matter, comrades?[209]--you seem agitated. Have you -lost or won? - -_Beef._ Lost. I have lost my country. - -_Y. Pot._ And I my sister. I came hither in search of her. - -_Beef._ O England! - -_Y. Pot._ O Matilda! - -_Beef._ Exiled by the tyranny of an usurper, I seek the means of revenge, -and of restoration to my country. - -_Y. Pot._ Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted by the -jealousy of a count, the betrothed husband of my sister languishes in -a loathsome captivity. Her lover is fled no one knows whither--and I, -her brother, am torn from my paternal roof, and from my studies in -chirurgery, to seek him and her, I know not where--to rescue Rogero, -I know not how. Comrades, your counsel--my search fruitless--my money -gone--my baggage stolen! What am I to do? In yonder abbey--in these -dark, dank vaults, there, my friends--there lies Rogero--there Matilda's -heart---- - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ WAITER. - -_Waiter._ Sir, here is a person who desires to speak with you. - -_Beef._ [_goes to the door, and returns with a letter, which he -opens--on perusing it his countenance becomes illuminated, and expands -prodigiously_.] Hah, my friend, what joy! - - [_Turning to_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ What? tell me--let your Puddingfield partake it. - -_Beef._ See here-- [_Produces a printed paper._ - - _Pudd._ What? [_With impatience._ - -_Beef._ [_in a significant tone_.] A newspaper! - -_Pudd._ Hah, what sayst thou! A newspaper! - -_Beef._ Yes, Puddingfield, and see here [_shows it partially_], from -England. - -_Pudd._ [_with extreme earnestness._] Its name! - -_Beef._ The "Daily Advertiser"-- - -_Pudd._ Oh, ecstasy! - -_Beef._ [_with a dignified severity._] Puddingfield, calm -yourself--repress those transports--remember that you are a man. - -_Pudd._ [_after a pause with suppressed emotion._] Well, I will be--I am -calm--yet tell me, Beefington, does it contain any news? - -_Beef._ Glorious news, my dear Puddingfield--the Barons are -victorious--King John has been defeated--Magna Charta, that venerable, -immemorial inheritance of Britons, was signed last Friday was three -weeks, the third of July Old Style. - -_Pudd._ I can scarce believe my ears--but let me satisfy my eyes--show me -the paragraph. - -_Beef._ Here it is, just above the advertisements. - -_Pudd._ [_reads._] "The great demand for Packwood's razor straps."---- - -_Beef._ 'Pshaw! what, ever blundering--you drive me from my patience--see -here, at the head of the column. - - _Pudd._ [_reads._] "A hireling print, devoted to the Court, - Has dared to question our veracity - Respecting the events of yesterday; - But by to-day's accounts, our information - Appears to have been perfectly correct. - The charter of our liberties received - The royal signature at five o'clock, - When messengers were instantly dispatch'd - To Cardinal Pandulfo; and their majesties, - After partaking of a cold collation, - Return'd to Windsor."--I am satisfied. - -_Beef._ Yet here again--there are some further particulars [_turns to -another part of the paper_], "Extract of a letter from Egham--My dear -friend, we are all here in high spirits--the interesting event which took -place this morning at Runnymede, in the neighbourhood of this town"---- - -_Pudd._ Hah! Runnymede, enough--no more--my doubts are vanished--then are -we free indeed! - -_Beef._ I have, besides, a letter in my pocket from our friend, the -immortal Bacon, who has been appointed Chancellor. Our outlawry is -reversed! What says my friend--shall we return by the next packet? - -_Pudd._ Instantly, instantly! - -_Both._ Liberty! Adelaide!--Revenge! - - [_Exeunt. Young_ POTTINGEN _following_, _and waving his hat, but - obviously without much consciousness of the meaning of what has - passed_. - -_Scene changes to the outside of the Abbey. A summer's -evening_--_moonlight. Companies of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers march -across the stage, confusedly, as if returning from the Seven Years' War. -Shouts, and martial music. The Abbey gates are opened. The monks are -seen passing in procession, with the Prior at their head. The choir is -heard chanting vespers. After which a pause. Then a bell is heard, as if -ringing for supper. Soon after, a noise of singing and jollity._ - - _Enter from the Abbey, pushed out of the gates by the Porter, a - Troubadour, with a bundle under his cloak, and a Lady under his - arm. Troubadour seems much in liquor, but caresses the female - minstrel._ - -_Fem. Min._ Trust me, Gieronymo, thou seemest melancholy. What hast thou -got under thy cloak? - -_Trou._ 'Pshaw, women will be inquiring. Melancholy! not I. I will sing -thee a song, and the subject of it shall be thy question--"What have -I got under my cloak?" It is a riddle, Margaret--I learnt it of an -almanac-maker at Gotha--if thou guessest it after the first stanza, thou -shalt have never a drop for thy pains. Hear me--and, d'ye mark! twirl thy -thingumbob while I sing. - - _Fem. Min._ 'Tis a pretty tune, and hums dolefully. - [_Plays on the balalaika_.[210] _Troubadour sings._ - - I bear a secret comfort here, - [_putting his hand on the bundle, but without showing it._ - A joy I'll ne'er impart; - It is not wine, it is not beer, - But it consoles my heart. - -_Fem. Min._ [_interrupting him._] I'll be hang'd if you don't mean the -bottle of cherry-brandy that you stole out of the vaults in the Abbey -cellar. - -_Trou._ I mean!--Peace, wench, thou disturbest the current of my feelings. - - [_Fem. Min. attempts to lay hold of the bottle. Troubadour pushes - her aside, and continues singing without interruption._ - - This cherry-bounce, this lov'd noyau, - My drink for ever be; - But, sweet my love, thy wish forego, - I'll give no drop to thee! - - (_Both together_.) - - _Trou._ {This} cherry-bounce {This} lov'd noyau, - _F. M._ {That} {that} - _Trou._ {My } drink for ever be; - _F. M._ {Thy } - _Trou._ } But, sweet my love, {thy wish forego! - _F. M._ } {one drop bestow, - _Trou._ {I } keep it all for {me! - _F. M._ {Nor} {thee! - - [_Exeunt struggling for the bottle, but without anger or - animosity, the Fem. Min. appearing, by degrees, to obtain a - superiority in the contest._ - -Act the Third contains the _eclaircissements_ and final arrangement -between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia: which so nearly resemble the -concluding act of "Stella," that we forbear to lay it before our readers. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV. - - SCENE--_The Inn door--Diligence drawn up._ CASIMERE _appears - superintending the package of his portmanteaus, and giving - directions to the Porters._ - -_Enter_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ Well, Coachey, have you got two inside places? - -_Coach._ Yes, your honour. - -_Pudd._ [_seems to be struck with_ CASIMERE'S _appearance. He surveys him -earnestly, without paying any attention to the coachman, then doubtingly -pronounces_] Casimere! - -_Cas._ [_turning round rapidly, recognises_ PUDDINGFIELD, _and embraces -him_.] My Puddingfield! - -_Pudd._ My Casimere! - -_Cas._ What, Beefington too! [_discovering him_.] Then is my joy complete. - -_Beef._ Our fellow-traveller, as it seems. - -_Cas._ Yes, Beefington--but wherefore to Hamburgh? - -_Beef._ Oh, Casimere[211]--to fly--to fly--to return--England--our -country--Magna Charta--it is liberated--a new era--House of -Commons--Crown and Anchor--Opposition---- - -_Cas._ What a contrast! you are flying to liberty and your home--I, -driven from my home by tyranny--am exposed to domestic slavery in a -foreign country. - -_Beef._ How domestic slavery? - -_Cas._ Too true--two wives [_slowly, and with a dejected air--then after -a pause_]--you knew my Cecilia? - -_Pudd._ Yes, five years ago. - -_Cas._ Soon after that period I went upon a visit to a lady in -Wetteravia--my Matilda was under her protection--alighting at a peasant's -cabin, I saw her on a charitable visit, spreading bread-and-butter -for the children, in a light-blue riding habit. The simplicity of her -appearance--the fineness of the weather--all conspired to interest me--my -heart moved to hers--as if by a magnetic sympathy--we wept, embraced, -and went home together--she became the mother of my Pantalowsky. But five -years of enjoyment have not stifled the reproaches of my conscience--her -Rogero is languishing in captivity--if I could restore her to _him!_ - -_Beef._ Let us rescue him. - -_Cas._ Will without power[212] is like children playing at soldiers. - -_Beef._ Courage without power[213] is like a consumptive running footman. - -_Cas._ Courage without power is a contradiction.[214] Ten brave men might -set all Quedlinburgh at defiance. - -_Beef._ Ten brave men--but where are they to be found? - -_Cas._ I will tell you--marked you the waiter? - - _Beef._ The waiter? [_Doubtingly._ - -_Cas._ [_in a confidential tone_.] No waiter, but a Knight Templar. -Returning from the crusade, he found his Order dissolved, and his -person proscribed. He dissembled his rank, and embraced the profession -of a waiter. I have made sure of him already. There are, besides, an -Austrian and a Prussian grenadier. I have made them abjure their national -enmity, and they have sworn to fight henceforth in the cause of freedom. -These, with Young Pottingen, the waiter, and ourselves, make seven--the -troubadour, with his two attendant minstrels, will complete the ten. - - _Beef._ Now then for the execution. [_With enthusiasm._ - - _Pudd._ Yes, my boys--for the execution. - [_Clapping them on the back._ - -_Waiter._ But hist! we are observed. - -_Trou._ Let us by a song conceal our purposes. - -RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.[215] - - _Cas._ Hist! hist! nor let the airs that blow - From Night's cold lungs, our purpose know! - - _Pudd._ Let Silence, mother of the dumb, - - _Beef._ Press on each lip her palsied thumb! - - _Wait._ Let privacy, allied to sin, - That loves to haunt the tranquil inn-- - - _Gren._ } And Conscience start, when she shall view, - _Trou._ } The mighty deed we mean to do! - -GENERAL CHORUS--_Con spirito._ - - Then friendship swear, ye faithful bands, - Swear to save a shackled hero! - See where yon Abbey frowning stands! - Rescue, rescue, brave Rogero! - - _Cas._ Thrall'd in a Monkish tyrant's fetters, - Shall great Rogero hopeless lie? - - _Y. Pot._ In my pocket I have letters, - Saying, "help me, or I die!" - - _Allegro Allegretto._ - - _Cas. Beef. Pudd. Gren. Trou._ } Let us fly, let us fly, - _Waiter, and Pot. with enthusiasm_ } Let us help, ere he die! - [_Exeunt omnes, waving their hats._ - - SCENE.--_The Abbey gate, with ditches, drawbridges, and spikes. - Time--about an hour before sunrise. The conspirators appear - as if in ambuscade, whispering, and consulting together, in - expectation of the signal for attack. The_ WAITER _is habited - as a Knight Templar, in the dress of his Order, with the cross - on his breast, and the scallop on his shoulder_; PUDDINGFIELD - _and_ BEEFINGTON _armed with blunderbusses and pocket pistols; - the Grenadiers in their proper uniforms. The Troubadour, with - his attendant Minstrels, bring up the rear--martial music--the - conspirators come forward, and present themselves before the - gate of the Abbey.--Alarum--firing of pistols--the Convent - appear in arms upon the walls--the drawbridge is let down--a - body of choristers and lay-brothers attempt a sally, but are - beaten back, and the verger killed. The besieged attempt to - raise the drawbridge_--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _press - forward with alacrity, throw themselves upon the drawbridge, - and by the exertion of their weight, preserve it in a state of - depression--the other besiegers join them, and attempt to force - the entrance, but without effect._ PUDDINGFIELD _makes the signal - for the battering ram. Enter_ QUINTUS CURTIUS _and_ MARCUS CURIUS - DENTATUS, _in their proper military habits, preceded by the Roman - Eagle--the rest of their legion are employed in bringing forward - a battering ram, which plays for a few minutes to slow time, till - the entrance is forced. After a short resistance, the besiegers - rush in with shouts of victory._ - - _Scene changes to the interior of the Abbey. The inhabitants of - the Convent are seen flying in all directions._ - - _The_ COUNT OF WEIMAR _and_ PRIOR, _who had been feasting in - the refectory, are brought in manacled. The_ COUNT _appears - transported with rage, and gnaws his chains. The_ PRIOR _remains - insensible, as if stupefied with grief._ BEEFINGTON _takes - the keys of the dungeon, which are hanging at the_ PRIOR'S - _girdle, and makes a sign for them both to be led away into - confinement.--Exeunt_ PRIOR _and_ COUNT _properly guarded. The - rest of the conspirators disperse in search of the dungeon where_ - ROGERO _is confined._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 204: A See the "Robbers." a German tragedy, in which robbery is -put in so fascinating a light, that the whole of a German University went -upon the highway in consequence of it.] - -[Footnote 205: See "Cabal and Love," a German tragedy, very severe -against Prime Ministers and reigning Dukes of Brunswick. This admirable -performance very judiciously reprobates the hire of German troops for the -_American war_ in the reign of Queen Elizabeth--a practice which would -undoubtedly have been highly discreditable to that wise and patriotic -princess, not to say wholly unnecessary, there being no American war at -that particular time.] - -[Footnote 206: See the "Stranger; or, Reform'd Housekeeper," in which -the former of these morals is beautifully illustrated; and "Stella," a -genteel German comedy, which ends with placing a man _bodkin_ between -_two wives_, like _Thames_ between his _two banks_, in the "Critic." -Nothing can be more edifying than these two dramas. I am shocked to hear -that there are some people who think them ridiculous.] - -[Footnote 207: These are the warnings very properly given to readers, -to beware how they judge of what they cannot understand. Thus, if the -translation runs "lightning of my soul, fulguration of angels, sulphur -of hell;" we should recollect that this is not coarse or strange in the -German language, when applied by a lover to his mistress; but the English -has nothing precisely parallel to the original Mulychause Archangelichen, -which means rather "emanation of the archangelican nature"--or to -Smellmynkern Vankelfer, which, if literally rendered, would signify -"made of stuff of the same odour whereof the devil makes flambeaux." See -Schüttenbrüch on the German Idiom.] - -[Footnote 208: This is an excellent joke in German; the point and -spirit of which is but ill-rendered in a translation. A Noddy, the -reader will observe, has two significations--the one a "knave at -all-fours;" the other a "fool or booby." See the translation by Mr. -Render of "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamtschatka," a German -tragi-comi-comi-tragedy: where the play opens with a scene of a game at -chess (from which the whole of this scene is copied), and a joke of the -same point and merriment about pawns--_i.e._, boors being _a match_ for -kings.] - -[Footnote 209: This word in the original is strictly -"fellow-lodgers"--"co-occupants of the same room, in a house let out -at a small rent by the week." There is no single word in English which -expresses so complicated a relation, except, perhaps, the cant term of -"chum," formerly in use at our universities.] - -[Footnote 210: The balalaika is a Russian instrument, resembling the -guitar.--See the play of "Count Benyowsky," rendered into English.] - -[Footnote 211: See "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamschatka," -where Crustiew, an old gentleman of much sagacity, talks the following -nonsense: - -_Crustiew_ [_with youthful energy and an air of secrecy and confidence_.] -"To fly, to fly, to the Isles of Marian--the island of Tinian--a -terrestrial paradise. Free--free--a mild climate--a new created -sun--wholesome fruits--harmless inhabitants--and Liberty--tranquillity."] - -[Footnote 212: See "Count Benyowsky." as before.] - -[Footnote 213: See "Count Benyowsky."] - -[Footnote 214: See "Count Benyowsky" again; from which play this and the -preceding references are taken word for word. We acquit the Germans of -such reprobate silly stuff. It must be the translator's.] - -[Footnote 215: We believe this song to be copied, with a small variation -in metre and meaning, from a song in "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy -of Kamtschatka,"--where the conspirators join in a chorus, _for fear of -being overheard_.] - - - - -BOMBASTES FURIOSO. - -FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL HAYMARKET, AUGUST 7, 1810. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - ARTAXOMINOUS, _King of Utopia._ - - FUSBOS, _Minister of State._ - - GENERAL BOMBASTES. - - _Attendants or Courtiers._ - - _Army_--a long Drummer, a short - Fifer, and two (sometimes three) - Soldiers of different dimensions. - - DISTAFFINA. - -SCENE I.--_Interior of the Palace._ - - _The_ KING _in his chair of state.--A table set out with - punchbowl, glasses, pipes, &c._--ATTENDANTS _on each side._ - -TRIO.--"_Tekeli._" - - _1st Atten._ What will your majesty please to wear? - Or blue, green, red, black, white, or brown? - - _2nd Atten._ D'ye choose to look at the bill of fare? - [_Showing long bill._ - - _King._ Get out of my sight, or I'll knock you down. - - _2nd Atten._ Here is soup, fish, or goose, or duck, or fowl, - or pigeons, pig, or hare! - - _1st Atten._ Or blue, or green, or red, or black, or white, or brown, - What will your Majesty, &c. - - _King._ Get out of my sight, &c. [_Exeunt_ ATTENDANTS. - -_Enter_ FUSBOS, _and kneels to the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ Hail, Artaxominous! yclep'd the Great! - I come, an humble pillar of thy state, - Pregnant with news--but ere that news I tell, - First let me hope your Majesty is well. - - _King._ Rise, learned Fusbos! rise, my friend, and know - We are but middling--that is, _so so!_ - - _Fusbos._ Only _so so!_ Oh, monstrous, doleful thing! - Is it the mulligrubs affects the king? - Or, dropping poisons in the cup of joy, - Do the blue devils your repose annoy? - - _King._ Nor mulligrubs nor devils blue are here, - But yet we feel ourselves a little queer. - - _Fusbos._ Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye, - The vest unbutton'd, and the wig awry; - So sickly cats neglect their fur-attire, - And sit and mope beside the kitchen fire. - - _King._ Last night, when undisturb'd by state affairs, - Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares, - Oft the replenish'd goblet did we drain, - And drank and smok'd, and smok'd and drank again! - Such was the case, our very actions such, - Until at length we got a drop too much. - - _Fusbos._ So when some donkey on the Blackheath Road, - Falls, overpower'd, beneath his sandy load; - The driver's curse unheeded swells the air, - Since none can carry more than they can bear. - - _King._ The sapient Doctor Muggins came in haste, - Who suits his physic to his patient's taste; - He, knowing well on what our heart is set, - Hath just prescrib'd, "To take a morning whet;" - The very sight each sick'ning pain subdues. - Then sit, my Fusbos, sit and tell thy news. - - _Fusbos_ [_sits._] Gen'ral Bombastes, whose resistless force - Alone exceeds by far a brewer's horse, - Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth! - - _King._ Does he, by jingo? then we'll drink his health! - [_Drum and Fife._ - - _Fusbos._ But hark! with loud acclaim, the fife and drum - Announce your army near; behold, they come! - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, _attended by one_ DRUMMER, _one_ FIFER, _and - two_ SOLDIERS, _all very materially differing in size.--They march - round the stage and back_. - - _Bombas._ Meet me this ev'ning at the Barley Mow; - I'll bring your pay--you see I'm busy now: - Begone, brave army, and don't kick up a row. - [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS. - [_To the_ KING.] Thrash'd are your foes--this watch and - silken string, - Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring; - I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob; - "Watch, watch," he cried, when I had done the job. - "My watch is gone," says he--says I, "Just so; - Stop where you are--watches were made to go." - - _King._ For which we make you Duke of Strombelo. - [BOMBASTES _kneels; the_ KING - _dubs him with a pipe, and then presents the bowl_. - From our own bowl here drink, my soldier true, - And if you'd like to take a whiff or two, - He whose brave arm hath made our foes to crouch, - Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch. - - _Bombas._ [_rises._] Honours so great have all my toils repaid! - My liege, and Fusbos, here's "Success to trade". - - _Fusbos._ Well said, Bombastes! Since thy mighty blows, - Have given a quietus to our foes, - Now shall our farmers gather in their crops, - And busy tradesmen mind their crowded shops - The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease; - Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace. - - _King._ I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please. - - _Bombas._ Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to name, - Short cut or long to me is all the same. - - _Bombas._ } In short, so long, as we your favours claim, - and } Short cut or long, to us is all the same. - _Fusbos._ } - - _King._ Thanks, gen'rous friends! now list whilst I impart - How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my heart; - So long as this here pouch a pipe contains, - Or a full glass in that there bowl remains, - To you an equal portion shall belong; - This do I swear, and now--let's have a song. - - _Fusbos._ My liege shall be obeyed. - - [_Advances and attempts to sing._ - - _Bombas._ Fusbos, give place, - You know you haven't got a singing face; - Here nature, smiling, gave the winning grace. - - SONG.--"_Hope told a flatt'ring Tale_." - - Hope told a flattering tale, - Much longer than my arm, - That love and pots of ale - In peace would keep me warm: - The flatt'rer is not gone, - She visits number one: - In love I'm monstrous deep. - Love! odsbobs, destroys my sleep, - Hope told a flattering tale, - Lest love should soon grow cool; - A tub thrown to a whale, - To make the fish a fool: - Should Distaffina frown, - Then love's gone out of town; - And when love's dream is o'er, - Then we wake and dream no more. - [_Exit._ - - [_The_ KING _evinces strong emotions during the song, and at the - conclusion starts up._ - - _Fusbos._ What ails my liege? ah! why that look so sad? - - _King_ [_coming forward._] I am in love! I scorch, I freeze, I'm mad! - Oh, tell me, Fusbos, first and best of friends, - You, who have wisdom at your fingers' ends, - Shall it be so, or shall it not be so? - Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego, - Compel her to give up the regal chair, - And place the rosy Distaffina there? - In such a case, what course can I pursue? - I love my queen, and Distaffina too. - - _Fusbos._ And would a king his general supplant? - I can't advise, upon my soul I can't. - - _King._ So when two feasts, whereat there's nought to pay, - Fall unpropitious on the self-same day, - The anxious Cit each invitation views, - And ponders which to take or which refuse: - From this or that to keep away is loth, - And sighs to think he cannot dine at both. [_Exit._ - - _Fusbos._ So when some school-boy, on a rainy day, - Finds all his playmates will no longer stay, - He takes the hint himself--and walks away. [_Exit._ - - -SCENE II.--_An Avenue of Trees._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ I'll seek the maid I love, though in my way - A dozen gen'rals stood in fierce array! - Such rosy beauties nature meant for kings; - Subjects have treat enough to see such things. - - -SCENE III.--_Inside of a Cottage._ - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ This morn, as sleeping in my bed I lay, - I dreamt (and morning dreams come true they say), - I dreamt a cunning man my fortune told, - And soon the pots and pans were turned to gold! - Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash; - But, lo! ere I could turn them into cash, - Another cunning man my heart betray'd, - Stole all away, and left my debts unpaid. - -_Enter the_ KING. - - And pray, sir, who are you, I'd wish to know? - - _King._ Perfection's self, oh, smooth that angry brow! - For love of thee, I've wander'd thro' the town, - And here have come to offer half a crown. - - _Distaf._ Fellow! your paltry offer I despise; - The great Bombastes' love alone I prize. - - _King._ He's but a general--damsel, I'm a king; - - _Distaf._ Oh, sir, that makes it quite another thing. - - _King._ And think not, maiden, I could e'er design - A sum so trifling for such charms as thine. - No! the half crown that ting'd thy cheeks with red, - And bade fierce anger o'er thy beauties spread, - Was meant that thou should'st share my throne and bed. - - _Distaf._ [_aside._] My dream is out, and I shall soon behold - The pots and pans all turn to shining gold. - - _King_ [_puts his hat down to kneel on._] Here, on my knees - (those knees which ne'er till now - To man or maid in suppliance bent) I vow - Still to remain, till you my hopes fulfil, - Fixt as the Monument on Fish Street Hill. - - _Distaf._ [_kneels._] And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand, - As long as e'er the Monument shall stand, - So long I'm yours---- - - _King._ Are then my wishes crown'd? - - _Distaf._ La, sir! I'd not say no for twenty pound; - Let silly maids for love their favours yield, - Rich ones for me--a king against the field. - -SONG.--"_Paddy's Wedding._" - - Queen Dido at - Her palace gate - Sat darning of her stocking O; - She sung and drew - The worsted through, - Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O; - (For a babe she had - By a soldier lad, - Though hist'ry passes it over O); - "You tell-tale brat, - I've been a flat, - Your daddy has proved a rover O. - What a fool was I - To be cozen'd by - A fellow without a penny O; - When rich ones came, - And ask'd the same, - For I'd offers from never so many O; - But I'll darn my hose, - Look out for beaux, - And quickly get a new lover O; - Then come, lads, come, - Love beats the drum, - And a fig for Æneas the rover O." - - _King._ So Orpheus sang of old, or poets lie, - And as the brutes were charmed, e'en so am I. - Rosy-cheek'd maid, henceforth my only queen, - Full soon shalt thou in royal robes be seen; - And through my realm I'll issue this decree, - None shall appear of taller growth than thee: - Painters no other face portray--each sign - O'er alehouse hung shall change its head for thine. - Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays, - And none presume to write but in thy praise. - - _Distaf._ [_fetches a bottle and glass._] And may I then, - without offending, crave - My love to taste of this, the best I have? - - _King._ Were it the vilest liquor upon earth, - Thy touch would render it of matchless worth; - Dear shall the gift be held that comes from you; - Best proof of love [_drinks_],'tis full-proof Hodges' too; - Through all my veins I feel a genial glow, - It fires my soul---- - - _Bombastes_ [_within._] Ho, Distaffina, ho! - - _King._ Heard you that voice? - - _Distaf._ O yes, 'tis what's his name, - The General; send him packing as he came. - - _King._ And is it he? and doth he hither come? - Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb: - Where shall I go? say, whither shall I fly? - Hide me, oh hide me from his injur'd eye! - - _Distaf._ Why, sure you're not alarm'd at such a thing? - He's but a general, and you're a king. - [KING _conceals himself in a closet in flat_. - -_Enter_ BOMBASTES. - - _Bombas._ Lov'd Distaffina! now by my scars I vow, - Scars got--I haven't time to tell you how; - By all the risks my fearless heart hath run, - Risks of all shapes from bludgeon, sword, and gun. - Steel traps, the patrole, bailiff shrewd, and dun; - By the great bunch of laurel on my brow, - Ne'er did thy charms exceed their present glow! - Oh! let me greet thee with a loving kiss---- [_Sees the hat._ - Why, what the devil!--say, whose hat is this? - - _Distaf._ Why, help your silly brains, that's not a hat. - - _Bombas._ No hat? - - _Distaf._ Suppose it is, why, what of that? - A hat can do no harm without a head! - - _Bombas._ Whoe'er it fits, this hour I doom him dead; - Alive from hence the caitiff shall not stir---- - [_Discovers the_ KING. - Your most obedient, humble servant; sir. - - _King._ Oh, general, oh! - - _Bombas._ My much-loved master, oh! - What means all this? - - _King._ Indeed I hardly know---- - - _Distaf._ You hardly know?--a very pretty joke, - If kingly promises so soon are broke! - Arn't I to be a queen, and dress so fine? - - _King._ I do repent me of the foul design: - To thee, my brave Bombastes, I restore - Pure Distaffina, and will never more - Through lane or street with lawless passion rove, - But give to Griskinissa all my love. - - _Bombas._ No, no, I'll love no more; let him who can - Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man. - In some lone place I'll find a gloomy cave, - There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave. - Then all unseen I'll lay me down and die, - Since woman's constancy is--all my eye. - -TRIO.--"_O Lady Fair!_" - - _Dislaf._ O, cruel man! where are you going? - Sad are my wants, my rent is owing. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, all comfort scorning; - Some death I'll die before the morning. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho! sad is that warning-- - Oh, do not die before the morning! - - _King._ I'll follow him, all danger scorning; - He shall not die before the morning. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, &c. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho, &c. - - _King._ I'll follow him, &c. - - [_They hold him by the coat-tails, but he gradually tugs them off._ - - -SCENE IV.--_A Wood._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This day is big with fate: just as I set - My foot across the threshold, lo! I met - A man whose squint terrific struck my view; - Another came, and lo! he squinted too; - And ere I'd reach'd the corner of the street, - Some ten short paces, 'twas my lot to meet - A third who squinted more--a fourth, and he - Squinted more vilely than the other three. - Such omens met the eye when Cæsar fell, - But cautioned him in vain; and who can tell - Whether those awful notices of fate - Are meant for kings or ministers of state; - For rich or poor, old, young, or short or tall, - The wrestler Love trips up the heels of all. - -SONG.--"_My Lodging is on the Cold Ground._" - - My lodging is in Leather Lane, - A parlour that's next to the sky; - 'Tis exposed to the wind and the rain, - But the wind and the rain I defy: - Such love warms the coldest of spots, - As I feel for Scrubinda the fair; - Oh, she lives by the scouring of pots, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - Oh, were I a quart, pint, or gill, - To be scrubb'd by her delicate hands, - Let others possess what they will - Of learning, and houses, and lands; - My parlour that's next to the sky - I'd quit, her blest mansion to share; - So happy to live and to die - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - And oh, would this damsel be mine, - No other provision I'd seek; - On a look I could breakfast and dine, - And feast on a smile for a week. - But ah! should she false-hearted prove, - Suspended, I'll dangle in air; - A victim to delicate love, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. [_Exit._ - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, preceded by a Fifer, playing "Michael Wiggins."_ - - _Bombas._ Gentle musician, let thy dulcet strain - Proceed--play "Michael Wiggins" once again [_he does so_.] - Music's the food of love; give o'er, give o'er, - For I must batten on that food no more. [_Exit_ FIFER. - My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps, - Whilst, merry Michael, all thy cards were trumps. - So, should some youth by fortune's blest decrees, - Possess at least a pound of Cheshire cheese, - And bent some favour'd party to regale, - Lay in a kilderkin, or so, of ale; - Lo, angry fate! In one unlucky hour - Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour, - And the loud thunder turn the liquor sour [_forms his sash into - a noose_.] - Alas! alack! alack! and well-a-day, - That ever man should make himself away! - That ever man for woman false should die, - As many have, and so, and so [_prepares to hang himself, tries - the sensation, but disapproves of the result_] won't I! - No, I'll go mad! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage, - And with this wicked wanton world a woeful war I'll wage! - - [_Hangs his boots to the arm of a tree, and taking a scrap of - paper, with a pencil writes the following couplet, which he - attaches to them, repeating the words_:-- - - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Thus do I challenge all the human race. - [_Draws his sword, and retires up the stage, and off._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ Scorning my proffer'd hand, he frowning fled, - Curs'd the fair maid, and shook his angry head [_perceives the boots - and label._.] - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Ha! dost thou dare me, vile obnoxious elf? - I'll make thy threats as bootless as thyself: - Where'er thou art, with speed prepare to go - Where I shall send thee--to the shades below [_knocks down the - boots_.] - - _Bombas._ [_coming forward_.] So have I heard on Afric's burning - shore, - A hungry lion give a grievous roar; - The grievous roar echo'd along the shore. - - _King._ So have I heard on Afric's burning shore - Another lion give a grievous roar, - And the first lion thought the last a bore. - - _Bombas._ Am I then mocked? Now by my fame I swear - You soon shall have it--There! [_They fight._ - - _King._ Where? - - _Bombas._ There and there! - - _King._ I have it sure enough--Oh! I am slain! - I'd give a pot of beer to live again [_falls on his back_]; - Yet ere I die I something have to say: - My once-lov'd gen'ral, pri'thee come this way! - Oh! oh! my Bom---- [_Dies._ - - _Bombas._ --Bastes he would have said; - But ere the word was out, his breath was fled. - Well, peace be with him, his untimely doom - Shall thus be mark'd upon his costly tomb:-- - "Fate cropt him short--for be it understood. - He would have liv'd much longer--if he could." - [_Retires again up the stage._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This was the way they came, and much I fear - There's mischief in the wind. What have we here? - King Artaxominous bereft of life! - Here'll be a pretty tale to tell his wife. - - _Bombas._ A pretty tale, but not for thee to tell, - For thou shalt quickly follow him to hell; - There say I sent thee, and I hope he's well. - - _Fusbos._ No, thou thyself shalt thy own message bear; - Short is the journey, thou wilt soon be there. - -[_They fight_--BOMBASTES _is wounded_. - - _Bombas._ Oh, Fusbos, Fusbos! I am diddled quite, - Dark clouds come o'er my eyes--farewell, good night! - Good night! my mighty soul's inclined to roam, - So make my compliments to all at home. - [_Lies down by the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ And o'er thy grave a monument shall rise, - Where heroes yet unborn shall feast their eyes; - And this short epitaph that speaks thy fame, - Shall also there immortalize my name:-- - "Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb, - Who conquered all but Fusbos--Fusbos him." - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ Ah, wretched maid! Oh, miserable fate! - I've just arrived in time to be too late; - What now shall hapless Distaffina do? - Curse on all morning dreams, they come so true! - - _Fusbos._ Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man, - And get another lover where you can: - The crown now sits on Griskinissa's head, - To her I'll go---- - - _Distaf._ But are you sure they're dead? - - _Fusbos._ Yes, dead as herrings--herrings that are red. - - -FINALE. - - _Distaf._ Briny tears I'll shed, - - _King._ I for joy shall cry, too; [_Rising._ - - _Fusbos._ Zounds! the King's alive! - - _Bombas._ Yes, and so am I, too! [_Rising._ - - _Distaf._ It was better far, - - _King._ Thus to check all sorrow; - - _Fusbos._ But, if some folks please, - - _Bombas._ We'll die again to-morrow! - - * * * * * - - _Distaf._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _King._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi; - - _Fusbos._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _Bombas._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi! - -_They take hands and dance round, repeating Chorus._ - - - - -REJECTED ADDRESSES. - -PREFACE. - - -On the 14th of August, 1812, the following advertisement appeared in most -of the daily papers: - -"_Rebuilding of Drury Lane Theatre._ - -"The Committee are desirous of promoting a free and fair competition -for an Address to be spoken upon the opening of the Theatre, which will -take place, on the 10th of October next. They have therefore thought -fit to announce to the public, that they will be glad to receive any -such compositions, addressed to their Secretary, at the Treasury Office, -in Drury Lane, on or before the 10th of September, sealed up, with a -distinguishing word, number, or motto, on the cover, corresponding with -the inscription on a separate sealed paper containing the name of the -author, which will not be opened, unless containing the name of the -successful candidate." - -Upon the propriety of this plan, men's minds were, as they usually are -upon matters of moment, much divided. Some thought it a fair promise of -the future intention of the Committee to abolish that phalanx of authors -who usurp the stage, to the exclusion of a large assortment of dramatic -talent blushing unseen in the background; while others contended, that -the scheme would prevent men of real eminence from descending into an -amphitheatre in which all Grub Street (that is to say, all London and -Westminster) would be arrayed against them. The event has proved both -parties to be in a degree right, and in a degree wrong. One hundred and -twelve Addresses have been sent in, each sealed and signed, and mottoed, -"as per order," some written by men of great, some by men of little, and -some by men of no talent. - -Many of the public prints have censured the taste of the Committee, in -thus contracting for Addresses as they would for nails--by the gross; but -it is surprising that none should have censured their _temerity_. One -hundred and eleven of the Addresses must, of course, be unsuccessful: -to each of the authors, thus infallibly classed with the _genus -irritabile_, it would be very hard to deny six staunch friends, who -consider his the best of all possible Addresses, and whose tongues will -be as ready to laud him as to hiss his adversary. These, with the potent -aid of the bard himself, make seven foes per Address, and thus will be -created seven hundred and seventy-seven implacable auditors, prepared to -condemn the strains of Apollo himself; a band of adversaries which no -prudent manager would think of exasperating. - -But leaving the Committee to encounter the responsibility they have -incurred, the public have at least to thank them for ascertaining -and establishing one point, which might otherwise have admitted of -controversy. When it is considered that many amateur writers have been -discouraged from becoming competitors, and that few, if any, of the -professional authors can afford to write for nothing, and of course -have not been candidates for the honorary prize at Drury Lane, we may -confidently pronounce, that, as far as regards _number_, the present -is undoubtedly the Augustan age of English poetry. Whether or not this -distinction will be extended to the _quality_ of its productions, must -be decided at the tribunal of posterity, though the natural anxiety of -our authors on this score ought to be considerably diminished, when they -reflect how few will, in all probability, be had up for judgment. - -It is not necessary for the Editor to mention the manner in which he -became possessed of this "fair sample of the present state of poetry in -Great Britain." It was his first intention to publish the whole; but a -little reflection convinced him that, by so doing, he might depress the -good, without elevating the bad. He has therefore culled what had the -appearance of flowers, from what possessed the reality of weeds, and -is extremely sorry that, in so doing, he has diminished his collection -to twenty-one. Those which he has rejected may possibly make their -appearance in a separate volume, or they may be admitted as volunteers -in the files of some of the newspapers; or, at all events, they are sure -of being received among the awkward squad of the Magazines. In general, -they bear a close resemblance to each other: thirty of them contain -extravagant compliments to the immortal Wellington, and the indefatigable -Whitbread; and, as the last-mentioned gentleman is said to dislike praise -in the exact proportion in which he deserves it, these laudatory writers -have probably been only building a wall, against which they might run -their own heads. - -The Editor here begs leave to advance a few words in behalf of that -useful and much-abused bird, the Phoenix, and in so doing he is biassed -by no partiality, as he assures the reader he not only never saw one, -but (_mirabile dictu!_) never caged one in a simile in the whole course -of his life. Not less than sixty-nine of the competitors have invoked -the aid of this native of Arabia; but as from their manner of using him, -after they had caught him, he does not by any means appear to have been -a native of Arabia _Felix_, the Editor has left the proprietors to treat -with Mr. Polito, and refused to receive this _rara avis_, or black swan, -into the present collection. One exception occurs, in which the admirable -treatment of this feathered incombustible entitles the author to great -praise. That Address has been preserved, and in the ensuing pages takes -the lead, to which its dignity entitles it. - -Perhaps the reason why several of the subjoined productions of the MUSÆ -LONDINENSES have failed of selection, may be discovered in their being -penned in a metre unusual upon occasions of this sort, and in their not -being written with that attention to stage effect, the want of which, -like want of manners in the concerns of life, is more prejudicial than -a deficiency of talent. There is an art in writing for the Theatre, -technically called _touch and go_, which is indispensable when we -consider the small quantum of patience which so motley an assemblage as -a London audience can be expected to afford. All the contributors have -been very exact in sending their initials and mottoes. Those belonging -to the present collection have been carefully preserved, and each has -been affixed to its respective poem. The letters that accompanied the -Addresses having been honourably destroyed unopened, it is impossible -to state the real authors with any certainty, but the ingenious reader, -after comparing the initials with the motto, and both with the poem, may -form his own conclusions. - -The Editor does not anticipate any disapprobation from thus giving -publicity to a small portion of the REJECTED ADDRESSES; for, unless he -is widely mistaken in assigning the respective authors, the fame of each -individual is established on much too firm a basis to be shaken by so -trifling and evanescent a publication as the present: - - neque ego illi detrahere ausim - Hærentem capiti multâ cum laude coronam. - -Of the numerous pieces already sent to the Committee for performance, -he has only availed himself of three vocal Travesties, which he has -selected, not for their merit, but simply for their brevity. Above -one hundred spectacles, melodramas, operas, and pantomimes have been -transmitted, besides the two first acts of one legitimate comedy. Some -of these evince considerable smartness of manual dialogue, and several -brilliant repartees of chairs, tables, and other inanimate wits; but the -authors seem to have forgotten that in the new Drury Lane the audience -can hear as well as see. Of late our theatres have been so constructed -that John Bull has been compelled to have very long ears, or none at -all; to keep them dangling about his skull like discarded servants, -while his eyes were gazing at piebalds and elephants, or else to stretch -them out to an asinine length to catch the congenial sound of braying -trumpets. An auricular revolution is, we trust, about to take place; and, -as many people have been much puzzled to define the meaning of the new -era, of which we have heard so much, we venture to pronounce, that as -far as regards Drury Lane Theatre, the new era means the reign of ears. -If the past affords any pledge for the future, we may confidently expect -from the Committee of that House, everything that can be accomplished by -the union of taste and assiduity. - - - - -LOYAL EFFUSION. - -BY W. T. F. - - Quiequid dicunt, laudo: id rursum si negant - Laudo id quoque.--TERENCE. - - - Hail, glorious edifice, stupendous work! - God bless the Regent and the Duke of York! - Ye Muses! by whose aid I cried down Fox, - Grant me in Drury Lane a private box, - Where I may loll, cry bravo, and profess - The boundless powers of England's glorious press; - While Afric's sons exclaim, from shore to shore, - "Quashee ma boo!" the slave-trade is no more. - In fair Arabia (happy once, now stony, - Since ruined by that arch apostate, Boney), - A phoenix late was caught: the Arab host - Long ponder'd, part would boil it, part would roast: - But while they ponder, up the pot-lid flies, - Fledged, beak'd, and claw'd, alive, they see him rise - To heaven, and caw defiance in the skies. - So Drury, first in roasting flames consumed, - Then by old renters to hot water doom'd, - By Wyatt's trowel patted, plump and sleek, - Soars without wings, and caws without a beak. - Gallia's stern despot shall in vain advance - From Paris, the metropolis of France; - By this day month the monster shall not gain - A foot of land in Portugal or Spain. - See Wellington in Salamanca's field - Forces his favourite general to yield, - Breaks thro' his lines, and leaves his boasted Marmont - Expiring on the plain without his arm on: - Madrid he enters at the cannon's mouth, - And then the villages still further south. - Base Buonaparté, fill'd with deadly ire, - Sets, one by one, our playhouses on fire; - Some years ago he pounced with deadly glee on - The Opera House, then burnt down the Pantheon; - Nay, still unsated, in a coat of flames, - Next at Millbank he crossed the river Thames: - Thy hatch, O halfpenny! pass'd in a trice, - Boil'd some black pitch, and burnt down Astley's twice; - Then buzzing on thro' ether with a vile hum, - Turn'd to the left hand, fronting the asylum, - And burnt the Royal Circus in a hurry,-- - ('Twas call'd the Circus then, but now the Surrey). - Who burnt (confound his soul!) the houses twain - Of Covent Garden and of Drury Lane? - Who, while the British squadron lay off Cork - (God bless the Regent and the Duke of York), - With a foul earthquake ravaged the Caraccas, - And raised the price of dry goods and tobaccos? - Who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise? - Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies? - Who thought in flames St. James's Court to pinch? - Who burnt the wardrobe of poor Lady Finch? - Why he, who, forging for this isle a yoke, - Reminds me of a line I lately spoke, - "The tree of freedom is the British oak." - Bless every man possessed of aught to give; - Long may Long Tilney Wellesley Long Pole live; - God bless the army, bless their coats of scarlet, - God bless the navy, bless the Princess Charlotte, - God bless the guards, though worsted Gallia scoff, - And bless their pigtails, tho' they're now cut off; - And oh, in Downing Street should Old Nick revel, - England's prime minister, then bless the Devil! - - - - -THE BABY'S DEBUT. - -BY W. W. - - Thy lisping prattle and thy mincing gait, - All thy false mimic fooleries I hate, - For thou art Folly's counterfeit, and she - Who is right foolish hath the better plea; - Nature's true Idiot I prefer to thee.--CUMBERLAND. - - [_Spoken in the character of_ NANCY LAKE, _a girl eight years of - age, who is drawn upon the stage in a child's chaise, by_ SAMUEL - HUGHES, _her uncle's porter_.] - - - My brother Jack was nine in May, - And I was eight on New-year's-day; - So in Kate Wilson's shop - Papa (he's my papa and Jack's) - Bought me, last week, a doll of wax, - And brother Jack a top. - - Jack's in the pouts, and this it is, - He thinks mine came to more than his, - So to my drawer he goes, - Takes out the doll, and, oh, my stars! - He pokes her head between the bars, - And melts off half her nose! - - Quite cross, a bit of string I beg, - And tie it to his peg-top's peg, - And bang, with might and main, - Its head against the parlour door: - Off flies the head, and hits the floor, - And breaks a window-pane. - - This made him cry with rage and spite: - Well, let him cry, it serves him right. - A pretty thing, forsooth! - If he's to melt, all scalding hot, - Half my doll's nose, and I am not - To draw his peg-top's tooth! - - Aunt Hannah heard the window break, - And cried, "O naughty Nancy Lake, - Thus to distress your aunt: - No Drury Lane for you to-day!" - And while papa said, "Pooh, she may!" - Mamma said, "No, she shan't!" - - Well, after many a sad reproach, - They got into a hackney coach, - And trotted down the street. - I saw them go: one horse was blind, - The tails of both hung down behind, - Their shoes were on their feet. - - The chaise in which poor brother Bill - Used to be drawn to Pentonville, - Stood in the lumber-room: - I wiped the dust from off the top, - While Molly mopp'd it with a mop, - And brush'd it with a broom. - - My uncle's porter, Samuel Hughes, - Came in at six to black the shoes - (I always talk to Sam): - So what does he, but takes, and drags - Me in the chaise along the flags, - And leaves me where I am. - - My father's walls are made of brick, - But not so tall, and not so thick, - As these; and, goodness me! - My father's beams are made of wood, - But never, never half so good, - As these that now I see. - - What a large floor! 'tis like a town! - The carpet, when they lay it down, - Won't hide it, I'll be bound. - And there's a row of lamps! my eye! - How they do blaze! I wonder why - They keep them on the ground. - - At first I caught hold of the wing, - And kept away; but Mr. Thing- - umbob, the prompter man, - Gave with his hand my chaise a shove, - And said, "Go on, my pretty love, - Speak to 'em, little Nan. - - "You've only got to curtsey, whisp- - er, hold your chin up, laugh and lisp, - And then you're sure to take: - I've known the day when brats not quite - Thirteen got fifty pounds a night; - Then why not Nancy Lake?" - - But while I'm speaking, where's papa? - And where's my aunt? and where's mamma? - Where's Jack? Oh, there they sit! - They smile, they nod, I'll go my ways, - And order round poor Billy's chaise, - To join them in the pit. - - And now, good gentlefolks, I go - To join mamma, and see the show; - So, bidding you adieu, - I curtsey, like a pretty miss, - And if you'll blow to me a kiss, - I'll blow a kiss to you. - [_Blows kiss, and exit._ - - - - -AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHOENIX. - -BY S. T. P. - - This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd.-- - WHAT YOU WILL. - - - What stately vision mocks my waking sense? - Hence, dear delusion, sweet enchantment, hence! - Ha! is it real?--can my doubts be vain? - It is, it is, and Drury lives again! - Around each grateful veteran attends, - Eager to rush and gratulate his friends, - Friends whose kind looks, retraced with proud delight, - Endear the past, and make the future bright. - Yes, generous patrons, your returning smile - Blesses our toils, and consecrates our pile. - - When last we met, Fate's unrelenting hand - Already grasp'd the devastating brand; - Slow crept the silent flame, ensnared its prize, - Then burst resistless to the astonish'd skies. - The glowing walls, disrobed of scenic pride, - In trembling conflict stemm'd the burning tide, - Till crackling, blazing, rocking to its fall, - Down rush'd the thundering roof, and buried all! - - Where late the sister Muses sweetly sung, - And raptur'd thousands on their music hung, - Where Wit and Wisdom shone by Beauty graced, - Sate lonely Silence, empress of the waste; - And still had reign'd--but he whose voice can raise - More magic wonders than Amphion's lays, - Bade jarring bands with friendly zeal engage, - To rear the prostrate glories of the stage. - Up leap'd the Muses at the potent spell, - And Drury's genius saw his temple swell, - Worthy, we hope, the British Drama's cause, - Worthy of British arts, and your applause. - - Guided by you, our earnest aims presume - To renovate the Drama with the dome; - The scenes of Shakespeare and our bards of old, - With due observance splendidly unfold, - Yet raise and foster with parental hand - The living talent of our native land. - O! may we still, to sense and nature true, - Delight the many, nor offend the few. - Tho' varying tastes our changeful drama claim, - Still be its moral tendency the same, - To win by precept, by example warn, - To brand the front of vice with pointed scorn, - And Virtue's smiling brows with votive wreaths adorn. - - - - -CUI BONO? - -BY LORD B. - - -I. - - Sated with home, of wife, of children tired, - The restless soul is driven abroad to roam; - Sated abroad, all seen, yet nought admired, - The restless soul is driven to ramble home; - Sated with both, beneath new Drury's dome - The fiend Ennui awhile consents to pine, - There growls, and curses, like a deadly gnome, - Scorning to view fantastic columbine, - Viewing with scorn and hate the nonsense of the Nine. - - -II. - - Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend your way, - To gaze on puppets in a painted dome, - Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray, - Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom, - What seek ye here? Joy's evanescent bloom? - Woe's me! the brightest wreaths she ever gave - Are but as flowers that decorate a tomb. - Man's heart the mournful urn o'er which they wave, - Is sacred to despair, its pedestal the grave. - - -III. - - Has life so little store of real woes, - That here ye wend to taste fictitious grief? - Or is it that from truth such anguish flows, - Ye court the lying drama for relief? - Long shall ye find the pang, the respite brief, - Or if one tolerable page appears - In folly's volume, 'tis the actor's leaf, - Who dries his own by drawing others' tears, - And, raising present mirth, makes glad his future years. - - -IV. - - Albeit how like young Betty doth he flee! - Light as the mote that danceth in the beam, - He liveth only in man's present e'e, - His life a flash, his memory a dream, - Oblivious down he drops in Lethe's stream; - Yet what are they, the learned and the great? - Awhile of longer wonderment the theme! - Who shall presume to prophesy their date, - Where nought is certain, save the uncertainty of fate? - - -V. - - This goodly pile, upheav'd by Wyatt's toil, - Perchance than Holland's edifice more fleet, - Again red Lemnos' artisan may spoil; - The fire alarm, and midnight drum may beat, - And all be strew'd ysmoking at your feet. - Start ye? Perchance Death's angel may be sent - Ere from the flaming temple ye retreat, - And ye who met on revel idlesse bent - May find in pleasure's fane your grave and monument, - - -VI. - - Your debts mount high--ye plunge in deeper waste, - The tradesman calls--no warning voice ye hear; - The plaintiff sues--to public shows ye haste; - The bailiff threats--ye feel no idle fear. - Who can arrest your prodigal career? - Who can keep down the levity of youth? - What sound can startle age's stubborn ear? - Who can redeem from wretchedness and ruth - Men true to falshood's voice, false to the voice of truth? - - -VII. - - To thee, blest saint! who doff'd thy skin to make - The Smithfield rabble leap from theirs with joy, - We dedicate the pile--arise! awake!-- - Knock down the Muses, wit and sense destroy, - Clear our new stage from reason's dull alloy, - Charm hobbling age, and tickle capering youth - With cleaver, marrow-bone, and Tunbridge toy; - While, vibrating in unbelieving tooth, - Harps twang in Drury's walls, and make her boards a booth. - - -VIII. - - For what is Hamlet, but a hare in March? - And what is Brutus, but a croaking owl? - And what is Rolla? Cupid steep'd in starch, - Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl. - Shakespeare, how true thine adage, "fair is foul;" - To him whose soul is with fruition fraught - The song of Braham is an Irish howl, - Thinking is but an idle waste of thought, - And nought is everything, and everything is nought. - - -IX. - - Sons of Parnassus? whom I view above, - Not laurel-crown'd but clad in rusty black, - Not spurring Pegasus through Tempé's grove, - But pacing Grub Street on a jaded hack, - What reams of foolscap, while your brains ye rack, - Ye mar to make again! for sure, ere long, - Condemn'd to tread the bard's time-sanctioned track, - Ye all shall join the bailiff-haunted throng, - And reproduce in rags the rags ye blot in song. - - -X. - - So fares the follower in the Muses' train, - He toils to starve, and only lives in death; - We slight him till our patronage is vain, - Then round his skeleton a garland wreathe, - And o'er his bones an empty requiem breathe-- - Oh! with what tragic horror would he start - (Could he be conjured from the grave beneath), - To find the stage again a Thespian cart, - And elephants and colts down trampling Shakespeare's art. - - -XI. - - Hence, pedant Nature! with thy Grecian rules! - Centaurs (not fabulous) those rules efface; - Back, sister Muses, to your native schools; - Here booted grooms usurp Apollo's place, - Hoofs shame the boards that Garrick used to grace, - The play of limbs succeeds the play of wit; - Man yields the drama to the Houynim race, - His prompter spurs, his licencer the bit, - The stage a stable-yard, a jockey-club the pit. - - -XII. - - Is it for these ye rear this proud abode? - Is it for these your superstition seeks - To build a temple worthy of a god, - To laud a monkey, or to worship leeks? - Then be the stage, to recompense your freaks, - A motley chaos, jumbling age and ranks, - Where Punch, the lignum vitæ Roscius, squeaks, - And Wisdom weeps, and Folly plays his pranks, - And moody Madness laughs, and hugs the chain he clanks. - - - - -_To the Secretary of the Managing Committee of Drury Lane Playhouse._ - - -SIR, - -To the gewgaw fetters of rhyme (invented by the monks to enslave the -people) I have a rooted objection. I have therefore written an address -for your theatre in plain, homespun, yeoman's prose; in the doing -whereof I hope I am swayed by nothing but an independent wish to open -the eyes of this gulled people, to prevent a repetition of the dramatic -bamboozling they have hitherto laboured under. If you like what I have -done, and mean to make use of it, I don't want any such aristocratic -reward as a piece of plate with two griffins sprawling upon it, or a dog -and a jackass fighting for a ha'p'worth of gilt gingerbread, or any such -Bartholomew Fair nonsense. All I ask is, that the door-keepers of your -playhouse may take all the sets of my Register, now on hand, and force -everybody who enters your door to buy one, giving afterwards a debtor and -creditor account of what they have received, post-paid, and in due course -remitting me the money and unsold Registers, carriage-paid. - - I am, &c., - W. C. - - - - -IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE FARMER. - - Rabidâ qui concitus irâ - Implevit pariter ternis latratibus auras - Et sparsit virides spumis albentibus agros.--OVID. - - -MOST THINKING PEOPLE, - -When persons address an audience from the stage, it is usual, either in -words or gesture, to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, your servant." If I -were base enough, mean enough, paltry enough, and brute beast enough, -to follow that fashion, I should tell two lies in a breath. In the -first place, you are not ladies and gentlemen, but I hope something -better--that is to say, honest men and women; and in the next place, -if you were ever so much ladies, and ever so much gentlemen, I am not, -nor ever will be, your humble servant. You see me here, most thinking -people, by mere chance. I have not been within the doors of a playhouse -before for these ten years, nor till that abominable custom of taking -money at the doors is discontinued, will I ever sanction a theatre with -my presence. The stage-door is the only gate of freedom in the whole -edifice, and through that I made my way from Bagshaw's in Brydges Street, -to accost you. Look about you. Are you not all comfortable? Nay, never -slink, mun; speak out, if you are dissatisfied, and tell me so before -I leave town. You are now (thanks to Mr. Whitbread) got into a large, -comfortable house. Not into a gimcrack palace; not into a Solomon's -temple; not into a frost-work of Brobdingnag filagree; but into a plain, -honest, homely, industrious, wholesome, brown, brick playhouse. You have -been struggling for independence and elbow-room these three years; and -who gave it you? Who helped you out of Lilliput? Who routed you from a -rat-hole, five inches by four, to perch you in a palace? Again and again -I answer, Mr. Whitbread. You might have sweltered in that place with the -Greek name till Doomsday, and neither Lord Castlereagh, Mr. Canning, -no, nor the Marquis Wellesley, would have turned a trowel to help you -out! Remember that. Never forget that. Read it to your children, and to -your children's children! And now, most thinking people, cast your eyes -over my head to what the builder (I beg his pardon, the architect) calls -the proscenium. No motto, no slang, no Popish Latin to keep the people -in the dark. No _Veluti in speculum_. Nothing in the dead languages, -properly so called, for they ought to die, ay, and be damned to boot! -The Covent Garden manager tried that, and a pretty business he made of -it! When a man says _Veluti in speculum_, he is called a man of letters. -Very well, and is not a man who cries O.P. a man of letters too? You -ran your O.P. against his _Veluti in speculum_, and pray which beat? I -prophesied that, though I never told anybody. I take it for granted, -that every intelligent man, woman, and child, to whom I address myself, -has stood severally and respectively in Little Russell Street, and cast -their, his, her, and its eyes on the outside of this building before they -paid their money to view the inside. Look at the brick-work, English -audience! Look at the brick-work! All plain and smooth like a quaker's -meeting. None of your Egyptian pyramids, to entomb subscribers' capitals. -No overgrown colonnades of stone, like an alderman's gouty legs in white -cotton stockings, fit only to use as rammers for paving Tottenham Court -Road. This house is neither after the model of a temple in Athens, no, -nor a temple in Moorfields, but it is built to act English plays in, and -provided you have good scenery, dresses, and decorations, I dare say you -wouldn't break your hearts if the outside were as plain as the pikestaff -I used to carry when I was a sergeant. _Apropos_, as the French valets -say, who cut their masters' throats--_apropos_, a word about dresses. You -must, many of you, have seen what I have read a description of--Kemble -and Mrs. Siddons in "Macbeth," with more gold and silver plastered on -their doublets than would have kept an honest family in butchers' meat -and flannel from year's end to year's end! I am informed (now mind, I -do not vouch for the fact), but I am informed that all such extravagant -idleness is to be done away with here. Lady Macbeth is to have a plain -quilted petticoat, a cotton gown, and a mob cap (as the court parasites -call it; it will be well for them if, one of these days, they don't -wear a mob cap--I mean a white cap, with a mob to look at them), and -Macbeth is to appear in an honest yeoman's drab coat, and a pair of black -calamanco breeches. Not _Sal_amanca; no, nor Talavera neither, my most -noble Marquis, but plain, honest, black calamanco, stuff breeches. This -is right; this is as it should be. Most thinking people, I have heard -you much abused. There is not a compound in the language but is strung -fifty in a rope, like onions, by the _Morning Post_, and hurled in your -teeth. You are called the mob, and when they have made you out to be the -mob, you are called the scum of the people, and the dregs of the people. -I should like to know how you can be both. Take a basin of broth--not -cheap soup, Mr. Wilberforce, not soup for the poor at a penny a quart, as -your mixture of horses' legs, brick-dust, and old shoes was denominated, -but plain, wholesome, patriotic beef or mutton broth; take this, examine -it, and you will find--mind, I don't vouch for the fact, but I am told -you will find the dregs at the bottom, and the scum at the top. I will -endeavour to explain this to you: England is a large earthenware pipkin. -John Bull is the beef thrown into it. Taxes are the hot water he boils -in. Rotten boroughs are the fuel that blazes under this same pipkin. -Parliament is the ladle that stirs the hodge-podge, and sometimes--but -hold, I don't wish to pay Mr. Newman a second visit. I leave you better -off than you have been this many a day. You have a good house over your -head; you have beat the French in Spain; the harvest has turned out -well; the comet keeps its distance; and red slippers are hawked about in -Constantinople for next to nothing, and for all this, again and again I -tell you, you are indebted to Mr. Whitbread! - - - - -THE LIVING LUSTRES. - -BY T. M. - - Jam te juvaverit - Viros relinquere, - Doctæque conjugis - Sinu quiescere.--SIR T. MORE. - - -I. - - O why should our dull retrospective Addresses - Fall damp as wet blankets on Drury Lane fire? - Away with blue devils, away with distresses, - And give the gay spirit to sparkling desire! - - -II. - - Let artists decide on the beauties of Drury, - The richest to me is when woman is there: - The question of houses I leave to the jury; - The fairest to me is the house of the fair. - - -III. - - When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, - And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, - What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders, - With Nature so bounteous, why call upon Art? - - -IV. - - How well would our actors attend to their duties, - Our house save in oil, and our authors in wit, - In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young beauties - Glanced light from their eyes between us and the pit. - - -V. - - The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge - By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, - To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College; - I mean the love-apples that bloom in the eyes. - - -VI. - - There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, - Still governs the slaves that are made by the fair, - For man is the pupil, who, while her eye's rolling, - Is lifted to rapture or sunk in despair. - - -VII. - - Bloom, Theatre, bloom, in the roseate blushes - Of beauty illumed by a love-breathing smile; - And flourish, ye pillars, as green as the rushes - That pillow the nymphs of the Emerald Isle. - - -VIII. - - For dear is the Emerald Isle of the Ocean, - Whose daughters are fair as the foam of the wave, - Whose sons, unaccustomed to rebel commotion, - Tho' joyous are sober, tho' peaceful are brave. - - -IX. - - The shamrock their olive, sworn foe to a quarrel, - Protects from the thunder and lightning of rows; - Their sprig of shillelagh is nothing but laurel, - Which flourishes rapidly over their brows. - - -X. - - Oh! soon shall they burst the tyrannical shackles, - Which each panting bosom indignantly names, - Until not one goose at the capital cackles, - Against the grand question of Catholic claims. - - -XI. - - And then shall each Paddy, who once on the Liffy - Perchance held the helm of some mack'rel hoy, - Hold the helm of the state, and dispense in a jiffy - More fishes than ever he caught when a boy. - - -XII. - - And those who now quit their hods, shovels, and barrows, - In crowds to the bar of some ale-house to flock, - When bred to _our_ bar shall be Gibbs's and Garrows, - Assume the silk gown and discard the smock-frock. - - -XIII. - - For Erin surpasses the daughters of Neptune, - As Dian outshines each encircling star, - And the spheres of the Heavens could never have kept tune - Till set to the music of Erin-go-bra! - - - - -THE REBUILDING. - -BY R. S. - - --per audaces nova dithyrambos - Verba devolvit, numerisque fertur - Lege solutis.--HORAT. - - -_Spoken by a_ GLENDOVEER. - - I am a blessed Glendoveer; - 'Tis mine to speak, and yours to hear. - - MIDNIGHT, yet not a nose - From Tower Hill to Piccadilly snored! - Midnight, yet not a nose - From Indra drew the essence of repose! - See with what crimson fury, - By Indra fann'd, the god of fire ascends the walls of Drury; - The tops of houses, blue with lead, - Bend beneath the landlord's tread. - - Master and 'prentice, serving man and lord, - Nailer and tailor, - Grazier and brazier, - Thro' streets and alleys pour'd, - All, all abroad to gaze, - And wonder at the blaze. - Thick calf, fat foot, and slim knee, - Mounted on roof and chimney, - The mighty roast, the mighty stew - To see; - As if the dismal view - Were but to them a Brentford jubilee. - - Vainly, all radiant Surya, sire of Phaeton, - (By the Greeks called Apollo) - Hollow - Sounds from thy harp proceed; - Combustible as reed, - The tongue of Vulcan licks thy wooden legs: - From Drury's top, dissever'd from thy pegs, - Thou tumblest, - Humblest, - Where late thy bright effulgence shone on high: - While, by thy somerset excited, fly - Ten million, - Billion - Sparks from the pit, to gem the sable sky. - Now come the men of fire to quench the fires, - To Russell Street see Globe and Atlas run, - Hope gallops first, and second Sun; - On flying heel, - See Hand-in-Hand - O'ertake the band; - View with what glowing wheel - He nicks - Phoenix; - While Albion scampers from Bridge Street, Blackfriars, - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - They shout and they bellow again and again. - All, all in vain! - Water turns steam; - Each blazing beam - Hisses defiance to the eddying spout, - It seems but too plain that nothing can put it out! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - See, Drury Lane expires! - - Pent in by smoke-dried beams, twelve moons or more, - Shorn of his ray, - Surya in durance lay: - The workmen heard him shout, - But thought it would not pay - To dig him out. - When lo! terrific Yamen, lord of hell, - Solemn as lead, - Judge of the dead, - Sworn foe to witticism, - By men called criticism, - Came passing by that way: - "Rise!" cried the fiend, "behold a sight of gladness! - Behold the rival theatre, - I've set O.P. at her, - Who, like a bull-dog bold, - Growls and fastens on his hold; - The many-headed rabble roar in madness: - Thy rival staggers; come and spy her - Deep in the mud as thou art in the mire." - - So saying, in his arms he caught the beaming one, - And crossing Russell Street, - He placed him on his feet, - 'Neath Covent Garden dome. Sudden a sound - As of the bricklayers of Babel rose: - Horns, rattles, drums, tin trumpets, sheets of copper, - Punches and slaps, thwacks of all sorts and sizes, - From the knobb'd bludgeon to the taper switch, - Ran echoing round the walls; paper placards - Blotted the lamps, boots brown with mud the benches: - A sea of heads roll'd roaring in the pit; - On paper wings O.P.'s - Reclin'd in lettered ease; - While shout and scoff, - "Ya! ya! off! off!" - Like thunderbolt on Surya's ear-drum fell, - And seem'd to paint - The savage oddities of Saint - Bartholomew in hell. - - Tears dimm'd the god of light; - "Bear me back, Yamen, from this hideous sight, - Bear me back, Yamen, I grow sick, - Oh! bury me again in brick; - Shall I on New Drury tremble, - To be O.P.'d like Kemble? - No, - Better remain by rubbish guarded, - Than thus hubbubish groan placarded; - Bear me back, Yamen, bear me quick, - And bury me again in brick." - Obedient Yamen - Answer'd, Amen, - And did - As he was bid. - - There lay the buried god, and Time - Seem'd to decree eternity of lime; - But pity, like a dewdrop, gently prest - Almighty Veeshnoo's adamantine breast: - He, the preserver, ardent still - To do whate'er he says he will, - From South-hill urg'd his way, - To raise the drooping lord of day. - All earthly spells the busy one o'erpower'd; - He treats with men of all conditions, - Poets and players, tradesmen, and musicians; - Nay, even ventures - To attack the renters, - Old and new: - A list he gets - Of claims and debts, - And deems nought done while aught remains to do - Yamen beheld and wither'd at the sight; - Long had he aim'd the sunbeam to control, - For light was hateful to his soul: - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spite, - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spleen, - "Thy toils of the morning, like Ithaca's queen, - I'll toil to undo every night." - - Ye sons of song, rejoice! - Veeshnoo has still'd the jarring elements, - The spheres hymn music; - Again the god of day - Peeps forth with trembling ray, - And pours at intervals a strain divine. - "I have an iron yet in the fire," cried Yamen; - "The vollied flame rides in my breath, - My blast is elemental death; - This hand shall tear their paper bonds to pieces; - Ingross your deeds, assignments, leases, - My breath shall every line erase, - Soon as I blow the blaze." - - The lawyers are met at the Crown and Anchor, - And Yamen's visage grows blanker and blanker, - The lawyers are met at the Anchor and Crown, - And Yamen's cheek is a russety brown, - Veshnoo, now thy work proceeds; - The solicitor reads, - And, merit of merit! - Red wax and green ferret, - Are fix'd at the foot of the deeds! - - Yamen beheld and shiver'd; - His finger and thumb were cramp'd; - His ear by the flea in't was bitten, - When he saw by the lawyer's clerk written, - "Sealed and delivered," - Being first duly stamped. - - "Now for my turn," the demon cries, and blows - A blast of sulphur from his mouth and nose; - Ah! bootless aim! the critic fiend, - Sagacious Yamen, judge of hell, - Is judged in his turn; - Parchment won't burn! - His schemes of vengeance are dissolv'd in air, - Parchment won't tear! - - Is it not written in the Himakoot book - (That mighty Baly from Kehama took), - "Who blows on pounce - Must the Swerga renounce?" - It is! it is! Yamen, thine hour is nigh; - Like as an eagle claws an asp, - Veeshnoo has caught him in his mighty grasp, - And hurl'd him in spite of his shrieks and his squalls, - Whizzing aloft like the Temple fountain, - Three times as high as Meru mountain, - Which is - Ninety-nine times as high as St. Paul's. - Descending, he twisted like Levy the Jew, - Who a durable grave meant - To dig in the pavement - Of Monument Yard; - To earth by the laws of attraction he flew, - And he fell, and he fell, - To the regions of hell; - Nine centuries bounced he from cavern to rock, - And his head, as he tumbled, went nickety-nock, - Like a pebble in Carisbrooke well. - - Now Veeshnoo turn'd round to a capering varlet, - Array'd in blue and white and scarlet, - And cried, "Oh! brown of slipper as of hat! - Lend me, harlequin, thy bat!" - He seiz'd the wooden sword, and smote the earth, - When lo! upstarting into birth, - A fabric, gorgeous to behold, - Outshone in elegance the old, - And Veeshnoo saw, and cried, "Hail, playhouse mine!" - Then, bending his head, to Surya he said, - "Go, mount yon edifice, - And show thy steady face - In renovated pride, - More bright, more glorious than before!" - But ah! coy Surya still felt a twinge, - Still smarted from his former singe, - And to Veeshnoo replied, - In a tone rather gruff, - "No, thank you! one tumble's enough!" - - - - -DRURY'S DIRGE. - -BY LAURA MATILDA. - - You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force, - Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse: - We want their strength, agreed; but we atone - For that and more, by sweetness all our own.--GIFFORD. - - -I. - - Balmy Zephyrs lightly flitting, - Shade me with your azure wing; - On Parnassus' summit sitting, - Aid me, Clio, while I sing. - - -II. - - Softly slept the dome of Drury, - O'er the empyreal crest, - When Alecto's sister-fury, - Softly slumb'ring sunk to rest. - - -III. - - Lo! from Lemnos limping lamely, - Lags the lowly Lord of Fire, - Cytherea yielding tamely, - To the Cyclops dark and dire. - - -IV. - - Clouds of amber, dreams of gladness, - Dulcet joys and sports of youth, - Soon must yield to haughty sadness, - Mercy holds the veil to Truth. - - -V. - - See Erostratus the second, - Fires again Diana's fane; - By the Fates from Orcus beckon'd, - Clouds envelop Drury Lane. - - -VI. - - Lurid smoke and frank suspicion, - Hand in hand reluctant dance; - While the god fulfils his mission, - Chivalry, resign thy lance. - - -VII. - - Hark! the engines blandly thunder, - Fleecy clouds dishevell'd lie, - And the firemen, mute with wonder, - On the son of Saturn cry. - - -VIII. - - See the bird of Ammon sailing, - Perches on the engine's peak, - And the Eagle firemen hailing, - Soothes them with its bickering beak. - - -IX. - - Juno saw, and mad with malice, - Lost the prize that Paris gave. - Jealousy's ensanguin'd chalice, - Mantling pours the orient wave. - - -X. - - Pan beheld Patroclus dying, - Nox to Niobe was turn'd; - From Busiris Bacchus flying, - Saw his Semele inurn'd. - - -XI. - - Thus fell Drury's lofty glory, - Levell'd with the shuddering stones, - Mars with tresses black and gory, - Drinks the dew of pearly groans. - - -XII. - - Hark! what soft Eolian numbers, - Gem the blushes of the morn; - Break, Amphion, break your slumbers, - Nature's ringlets deck the thorn. - - -XIII. - - Ha! I hear the strain erratic, - Dimly glance from pole to pole, - Raptures sweet and dreams ecstatic - Fire my everlasting soul. - - -XIV. - - Where is Cupid's crimson motion? - Billowy ecstasy of woe, - Bear me straight, meandering ocean, - Where the stagnant torrents flow. - - -XV. - - Blood in every vein is gushing, - Vixen vengeance lulls my heart, - See, the Gorgon gang is rushing! - Never, never let us part. - - - - -A TALE OF DRURY LANE. - -BY W. S. - - Thus he went on, stringing one extravagance upon another, in the - style his books of chivalry had taught him, and imitating as near - as he could their very phrase.--DON QUIXOTE. - - -_To be spoken by_ MR. KEMBLE _in a Suit of the Black Prince's Armour, -borrowed from the Tower_. - - Survey this shield all bossy bright; - These cuisses twain behold; - Look on my form in armour dight - Of steel inlaid with gold. - My knees are stiff in iron buckles, - Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles. - These once belong'd to sable prince, - Who never did in battle wince; - With valour tart as pungent quince, - He slew the vaunting Gaul: - Rest there awhile, my bearded lance, - While from green curtain I advance - To yon footlights, no trivial dance, - And tell the town what sad mischance - Did Drury Lane befall. - - -The Night. - - On fair Augusta's towers and trees - Flitted the silent midnight breeze, - Curling the foliage as it past, - Which from the moon-tipp'd plumage cast - A spangled light like dancing spray. - Then reassumed its still array: - Whenas night's lamp unclouded hung, - And down its full effulgence flung, - It shed such soft and balmy power, - That cot and castle, hall and bower, - And spire and dome, and turret height, - Appear'd to slumber in the light. - From Henry's chapel, Rufus' hall, - To Savoy, Temple, and St. Paul, - From Knightsbridge, Pancras, Camden Town, - To Redriff, Shadwell, Horsleydown, - No voice was heard, no eye unclosed, - But all in deepest sleep reposed. - They might have thought, who gazed around - Amid a silence so profound, - It made the senses thrill, - That 'twas no place inhabited, - But some vast city of the dead, - was so hush'd and still. - - -The Burning. - - As Chaos which, by heavenly doom, - Had slept in everlasting gloom, - Started with terror and surprise, - When light first flash'd upon her eyes; - So London's sons in night-cap woke, - In bed-gown woke her dames, - For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke, - And twice ten hundred voices spoke, - "The Playhouse is in flames." - And lo! where Catherine Street extends, - A fiery tale its lustre lends - To every window-pane; - Blushes each spout in Martlet Court, - And Barbican, moth-eaten fort, - And Govent Garden kennels sport, - A bright ensanguin'd drain; - Meux's new brewhouse shows the light, - Rowland Hill's chapel, and the height - Where patent shot they sell: - The Tennis Court, so fair and tall, - Partakes the ray, with Surgeons' Hall, - The ticket porter's house of call, - Old Bedlam, close by London Wall, - Wright's shrimp and oyster shop withal, - And Richardson's Hotel. - - Nor these alone, but far and wide - Across the Thames's gleaming tide, - To distant fields the blaze was borne, - And daisy white and hoary thorn - In borrow'd lustre seem'd to sham - The rose or red sweet Wil-li-am. - To those who on the hills around - Beheld the flames from Drury's mound, - As from a lofty altar rise; - It seem'd that nations did conspire, - To offer to the god of fire - Some vast stupendous sacrifice! - The summon'd firemen woke at call, - And hied them to their stations all. - Starting from short and broken snooze, - Each sought his pond'rous hobnail'd shoes, - But first his worsted hosen plied, - Plush breeches next in crimson dyed, - His nether bulk embraced; - Then jacket thick of red or blue, - Whose massy shoulder gave to view - The badge of each respective crew, - In tin or copper traced. - The engines thunder'd thro' the street, - Fire-hook, pipe, bucket, all complete, - And torches glared, and clattering feet - Along the pavement paced. - - And one, the leader of the band, - From Charing Cross along the Strand, - Like stag by beagles hunted hard, - Ran till he stopp'd at Vin'gar Yard. - The burning badge his shoulder bore, - The belt and oilskin hat he wore, - The cane he had his men to bang, - Show'd foreman of the British gang. - His name was Higginbottom; now - 'Tis meet that I should tell you how - The others came in view: - The Hand-in-Hand the race begun, - Then came the Phoenix and the Sun, - Th' Exchange, where old insurers run, - The Eagle, where the new; - With these came Rumford, Bumford, Cole, - Robins from Hockley-in-the-Hole, - Lawson and Dawson, cheek by jowl, - Crump from St. Giles's Pound: - Whitford and Mitford join'd the train, - Huggins and Muggins from Chick Lane, - And Clutterbuck, who got a sprain - Before the plug was found. - Hobson and Jobson did not sleep, - But ah! no trophy could they reap, - For both were in the Donjon Keep - Of Bridewell's gloomy mound! - - E'en Higginbottom now was posed, - For sadder scene was ne'er disclosed; - Without, within, in hideous show, - Devouring flames resistless glow, - And blazing rafters downward go, - And never halloo "heads below!" - Nor notice give at all: - The firemen, terrified, are slow - To bid the pumping torrent flow, - For fear the roof should fall. - Back, Robins, back! Crump, stand aloof! - Whitford, keep near the walls! - Huggins, regard your own behoof, - For lo! the blazing rocking roof - Down, down in thunder falls! - - An awful pause succeeds the stroke, - And o'er the ruins volumed smoke, - Rolling around its pitchy shroud, - Conceal'd them from th' astonish'd crowd. - At length the mist awhile was clear'd, - When lo! amid the wreck uprear'd, - Gradual a moving head appear'd, - And Eagle firemen knew: - 'Twas Joseph Muggins, name revered, - The foreman of their crew. - Loud shouted all in signs of woe, - "A Muggins to the rescue, ho!" - And pour'd the hissing tide: - Meanwhile the Muggins fought amain, - And strove and struggled all in vain, - For rallying but to fall again. - He totter'd, sunk, and died! - - Did none attempt, before he fell, - To succour one they loved so well? - Yes, Higginbottom did aspire - (His fireman's soul was all on fire) - His brother chief to save; - But ah! his reckless generous ire - Served but to share his grave! - 'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams, - Thro' fire and smoke he dauntless broke, - Where Muggins broke before. - But sulphury stench and boiling drench, - Destroying sight, o'erwhelm'd him quite, - He sunk to rise no more. - Still o'er his head, while fate he braved, - His whizzing water-pipe he waved; - "Whitford and Mitford, ply your pumps, - You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps, - Why are you in such doleful dumps? - A fireman and afraid of bumps! - What are they fear'd on? fools! 'od rot 'em!" - Were the last words of Higginbottom. - - -The Revival. - - Peace to his soul! new prospects bloom, - And toil rebuilds what fires consume! - Eat we and drink we, be our ditty, - "Joy to the managing committee." - Eat we and drink we, join to rum - Roast beef and pudding of the plum; - Forth from thy nook, John Horner, come, - With bread of ginger brown thy thumb, - For this is Drury's gay day: - Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops, - And buy, to glad thy smiling chops, - Crisp parliament with lollipops, - And fingers of the lady. - - Didst mark, how toil'd the busy train - From morn to eve, till Drury Lane - Leap'd like a roebuck from the plain? - Ropes rose and sunk, and rose again, - And nimble workmen trod; - To realize bold Wyatt's plan - Rush'd many a howling Irishman, - Loud clatter'd many a porter can, - And many a ragamuffin clan, - With trowel and with hod. - - Drury revives! her rounded pate - Is blue, is heavenly blue with slate; - She "wings the midway air" elate, - As magpie, crow, or chough; - White paint her modish visage smears, - Yellow and pointed are her ears, - No pendant portico appears - Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears - Have cut the bauble off. - - Yes, she exalts her stately head, - And, but that solid bulk outspread, - Opposed you on your onward tread, - And posts and pillars warranted - That all was true that Wyatt said, - You might have deem'd her walls so thick, - Were not composed of stone or brick, - But all a phantom, all a trick, - Of brain disturb'd and fancy-sick, - So high she soars, so vast, so quick. - - - - -JOHNSON'S GHOST. - -_Ghost of_ DR. JOHNSON _rises from trap-door P.S. and Ghost of_ BOSWELL, -_from trap-door O.P. The latter bows respectfully to the House, and -obsequiously to the Doctor's Ghost, and retires_. - - -_Doctor's Ghost loquitur._ - -That which was organized by the moral ability of one, has been executed -by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now complete. -Of that part behind the curtain, which has not yet been destined to -glow beneath the brush of the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of -the carpenter, little is thought by the public, and little need be -said by the committee. Truth, however, is not to be sacrificed for the -accommodation of either, and he who should pronounce that our edifice -has received its final embellishment, would be disseminating falsehood -without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection without -participating the advantage of success. - -Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are alike -inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the practice -of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that because we -are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance is any indication of -despondency, or humility of demerit. He that is the most assured of -success will make the fewest appeals to favour, and where nothing is -claimed that is undue, nothing that is due will be withheld. A swelling -opening is too often succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient -mountains have ere now produced muscipular abortions, and the auditor -who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity, is reminded of the -pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly perambulate her streets, -exclaiming, "In the name of the Prophet--figs!" - -Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are thought wise -by others, the exertions are directed to the revival of mouldering -and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that which is now rare -only because it was always worthless, and whose deterioration, while -it condemned it to living obscurity, by a strange obliquity of moral -perception constitutes its title to posthumous renown. To embody the -flying colours of folly, to arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the -globular consistency as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald -denizen of the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display -the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinizing of -Punch; these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, limited -to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous for the -application of satire, and too humble for the incitement of jealousy. - -Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, from -the cooling nectarine and luscious peach, to the puny pippin and the -noxious nut. There indolence may repose, and inebriety revel; and the -spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, may there chatter with -impunity, debarred by a barrier of brick and mortar from marring that -scenic interest in others, which nature and education have disqualified -him from comprehending himself. - -Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent cannot be -removed, for if removed it soon ceases to be permanent. What stationary -absurdity can vie with that ligneous barricado, which, decorated with -frappant and tintinabulant appendages, now serves, as the entrance of -the lowly cottage, and now as the exit of a lady's bed-chamber; at one -time insinuating plastic Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and at another, -yawning as the flood-gate to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles's into -the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to give to -each respective mansion the door which the carpenter would doubtless have -given, we vary our portal with the varying scene, passing from deal to -mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, -palace, or castle may appear to require. - -Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, it is -fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of despondence that -assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere expressed it, "who live -to please," should not have their own pleasures entirely overlooked. -The children of Thespis are general in their censures of the architect -in having placed the locality of exit at such a distance from the oily -irradiators which now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you. I am, -cries the Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the -king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders he means -to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff "ere his purpose cool," so vast -is the interval he has to travel before he can escape from the stage, -that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your condition, cries the Muse -of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet's down in comparison with mine. The -peerless peer of capers and congees has laid it down as a rule, that the -best good thing uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly -to the doorway, last impressions vieing in durability with first. But -when on this boarded elongation it falls to my lot to say a good thing, -to ejaculate "keep moving," or to chaunt "hic hoc horum genetivo," many -are the moments that must elapse ere I can hide myself from public vision -in the recesses of O.P. or P.S. - -To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously maintained, -it is time that equity should conclusively reply. Deviation from -scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for the consequences -it generates. Let the actor consider the line of exit as that line -beyond which he should not soar in quest of spurious applause: let him -reflect that in proportion as he advances to the lamps, he recedes from -nature; that the truncheon of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from -encountering the cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura -of Mandane may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles -it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern critical -Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky, has, _ex cathedrâ_, asserted -that a natural actor looks upon the audience part of the theatre as the -third side of the chamber he inhabits. Surely of the third wall thus -fancifully erected, our actors should by ridicule or reason be withheld -from knocking their heads against the stucco. - -Time forcibly reminds me that all things which have a limit must be -brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion arrives, recall -to your recollection that the pillars which rise on either side of -me, blooming in varied antiquity, like two massy evergreens, had yet -slumbered in their native quarry, but for the ardent exertions of the -individual who called them into life: to his never-slumbering talents you -are indebted for whatever pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated -to afford. If, in defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the -temple of Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may -confidently predict, that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo will -stand recorded to distant posterity in that of--SAMUEL WHITBREAD. - - - - -THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY. - -BY THE HON. W. S. - - Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvas.--VIRGIL. - -_Scene draws, and discovers a Lady asleep on a couch. Enter_ PHILANDER. - - -PHILANDER. - - -I. - - Sobriety, cease to be sober, - Cease, Labour, to dig and to delve, - And hail to this tenth of October, - One thousand eight hundred and twelve. - Hah! whom do my peepers remark? - 'Tis Hebe with Jupiter's jug; - Oh no, 'tis the pride of the Park, - Fair Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -II. - - Why, beautiful nymph, do you close - The curtain that fringes your eye? - Why veil in the clouds of repose - The sun that should brighten our sky? - Perhaps jealous Venus has oil'd - Thy hair with some opiate drug, - Not choosing her charms should be foil'd - By Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -III. - - But ah! why awaken the blaze - The bright burning-glasses contain, - Whose lens with concentrated rays - Proved fatal to old Drury Lane. - 'Twas all accidental they cry,-- - Away with the flimsy humbug! - 'Twas tired by a flash from the eye - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -IV. - - Thy glance can in us raise a flame, - Then why should old Drury be free? - Our doom and its doom are the same, - Both subject to beauty's decree. - No candles the workmen consum'd, - When deep in the ruins they dug, - Thy flash still their progress illum'd, - Sweet Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -V. - - Thy face a rich fireplace displays; - The mantel-piece marble--thy brows; - Thine eyes are the bright beaming blaze, - Thy bib which no trespass allows, - The fender's tall barrier marks; - Thy tippet's the fire-quelling rug, - Which serves to extinguish the sparks - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -VI. - - The Countess a lily appears, - Whose tresses the dewdrops emboss; - The Marchioness blooming in years, - A rosebud envelop'd in moss; - But thou art the sweet passion-flower, - For who would not slavery hug, - To pass but one exquisite hour - In the arms of Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VII. - - When at Court, or some dowager's rout, - Her diamond aigrette meets our view, - She looks like a glow-worm dress'd out, - Or tulips bespangled with dew. - Her two lips denied to man's suit, - Are shared with her favourite Pug; - What lord would not change with the brute, - To live with Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VIII. - - Could the stage be a large _vis-à -vis_, - Reserv'd for the polish'd and great, - Where each happy lover might see - The nymph he adores _tête-à -tête_; - No longer I'd gaze on the ground, - And the load of despondency lug, - For I'd book myself all the year round, - To ride with the sweet Lady Mugg. - - -IX. - - Yes, she in herself is a host, - And if she were here all alone, - Our house might nocturnally boast - A bumper of fashion and ton. - Again should it burst in a blaze, - In vain would they ply Congreve's plug, - For nought could extinguish the rays - From the glance of divine Lady Mugg. - - -X. - - O could I as Harlequin frisk, - And thou be my Columbine fair, - My wand should with one magic whisk - Transport us to Hanover Square; - St. George should lend us his shrine, - The parson his shoulders might shrug, - But a licence should force him to join - My hand in the hand of my Mugg. - - -XI. - - Court-plaister the weapons should tip, - By Cupid shot down from above, - Which cut into spots for thy lip, - Should still barb the arrows of love. - The god who from others flies quick, - With us should be slow as a slug, - As close as a leech he should stick - To me and Elizabeth Mugg. - - -XII. - - For Time would, like us, 'stead of sand, - Put filings of steel in his glass, - To dry up the blots of his hand, - And spangle life's page as they pass. - Since all flesh is grass ere 'tis hay, - O may I in clover live snug, - And when old Time mows me away, - Be stack'd with defunct Lady Mugg. - - - - -FIRE AND ALE. - -BY M. G. L. - -Omnia transformat sese in miracula rerum.--VIRGIL. - - - My palate is parch'd with Pierian thirst, - Away to Parnassus I'm beckon'd; - List, warriors and dames, while my lay is rehears'd, - I sing of the singe of Miss Drury the first, - And the birth of Miss Drury the second. - - The Fire King one day rather amorous felt; - He mounted his hot copper filly; - His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt - Was made of cast iron, for fear it should melt - With the heat of the copper colt's belly. - - Sure never was skin half so scalding as his! - When an infant, 'twas equally horrid, - For the water when he was baptized gave a fizz, - And bubbled and simmer'd and started off, whizz! - As soon as it sprinkled his forehead. - - Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, - For two living coals were the symbols; - His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, - It rattled against them as though you should try - To play the piano in thimbles. - - From his nostrils a lava sulphureous flows, - Which scorches wherever it lingers, - A snivelling fellow he's call'd by his foes, - For he can't raise his paw up to blow his red nose, - For fear it should blister his fingers. - - His wig is of flames curling over his head, - Well powder'd with white smoking ashes; - He drinks gunpowder tea, melted sugar of lead, - Cream of tartar, and dines on hot spice gingerbread, - Which black from the oven he gnashes. - - Each fire nymph his kiss from her countenance shields, - 'Twould soon set her cheekbone a-frying - He spit in the tenter-ground near Spitalfields, - And the hole that it burnt and the chalk that it yields - Make a capital limekiln for drying. - - When he open'd his mouth out there issued a blast, - (_Nota bene_, I do not mean swearing,) - But the noise that it made and the heat that it cast, - I've heard it from those who have seen it, surpass'd - A shot manufactory flaring. - - He blaz'd and he blaz'd as he gallop'd to snatch - His bride, little dreaming of danger; - His whip was a torch, and his spur was a match, - And over the horse's left eye was a patch, - To keep it from burning the manger. - - And who is the housemaid he means to enthral - In his cinder-producing alliance? - 'Tis Drury Lane Playhouse, so wide, and so tall, - Who, like other combustible ladies, must fall, - If she cannot set sparks at defiance. - - On his warming-pan knee-pan he clattering roll'd, - And the housemaid his hand would have taken, - But his hand, like his passion, was too hot to hold, - And she soon let it go, but her new ring of gold - All melted, like butter or bacon! - - Oh! then she look'd sour, and indeed well she might, - For Vinegar Yard was before her, - But, spite of her shrieks, the ignipotent knight, - Enrobing the maid in a flame of gas-light, - To the skies in a sky-rocket bore her. - - Look! look! 'tis the Ale King, so stately and starch, - Whose votaries scorn to be sober; - He pops from his vat, like a cedar or larch: - Brown stout is his doublet, he hops in his march, - And froths at the mouth in October. - - His spear is a spigot, his shield is a bung; - He taps where the housemaid no more is, - When lo! at his magical bidding, upsprung - A second Miss Drury, tall, tidy, and young, - And sported _in loco sororis_. - - Back, lurid in air, for a second regale, - The Cinder King, hot with desire, - To Brydges Street hied; but the Monarch of Ale, - With uplifted spigot and faucet, and pail, - Thus chided the Monarch of Fire: - - "Vile tyrant, beware of the ferment I brew, - I rule the roast here, dash the wig o' me! - If, spite of your marriage with Old Drury, you - Come here with your tinderbox, courting the New, - I'll have you indicted for bigamy!" - - - - -PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS. - -BY S. T. C. - - - Ille velut fidis aroana sodalibus olim - Credebat libris; neque si male cesserat, usquam - Decurrens alio, neque si bene.--HORAT. - - - My pensive public, wherefore look you sad? - I had a grandmother, she kept a donkey - To carry to the mart her crockery ware, - And when that donkey look'd me in the face, - His face was sad! and you are sad, my public! - - Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October - Again assembles us in Drury Lane. - Long wept my eye to see the timber planks - That hid our ruins; many a day I cried, - "Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!" - Till on one eve, one joyful Monday eve, - As along Charles Street I prepared to walk, - Just at the corner, by the pastry-cook's, - I heard a trowel tick against a brick. - I look'd me up, and straight a parapet - Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks. - "Joy to thee, Drury!" to myself I said: - "He of Blackfriars Road who hymn'd thy downfall - In loud hosannahs, and who prophesied - That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma, - Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee, - Has proved a lying prophet." From that hour, - As leisure offer'd, close to Mr. Spring's - Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders. - They had a plan to render less their labours; - Workmen in elder times would mount a ladder - With hodded heads, but these stretch'd forth a pole - From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley - Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley; - To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks - Thus freighted, swung securely to the top, - And in the empty basket workmen twain - Precipitate, unhurt, accosted earth. - - Oh! 'twas a goodly sound to hear the people - Who watch'd the work, express their various thoughts! - While some believ'd it never would be finish'd, - Some on the contrary believ'd it would. - - I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane - Much criticis'd; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work, - A mimic manufactory of floor-cloth. - One of the morning papers wish'd that front - Cemented like the front in Brydges Street; - As it now looks they call it Wyatt's Mermaid, - A handsome woman with a fish's tail. - - White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The Albion (as its name denotes) is white; - Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables - Gleams like a snowball in the setting sun; - White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders, - Nor white Whitehall is white as Drury's face. - - Oh, Mr. Whitbread! fie upon you, sir! - I think you should have built a colonnade; - When tender Beauty, looking for her coach, - Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower, - And draws the tippet closer round her throat. - Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off, - And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud - Soaks thro' her pale kid slipper. On the morrow - She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa - Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!" - To build no portico is penny wise: - Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish! - - Hail to thee, Drury! Queen of Theatres! - What is the Regency in Tottenham Street, - The Royal Amphitheatre of Arts, - Astley's Olympic, or the Sans Pareil, - Compar'd with thee? Yet when I view thee push'd - Back from the narrow street that christen'd thee, - I know not why they call thee Drury Lane. - - Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions, - It grieves me much to see live animals - Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit, - Laurent his cat, and Bradbury his pig; - Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist - Of former Drury, imitated life - Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard, - Stuff'd by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis, - As spruce as he who roar'd in Padmanaba. - Nought born on earth should die. On hackney stands - I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee," - And spares the lash. When I behold a spider - Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm, - Or view a butcher with horn-handle knife - Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton, - Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very sick! [_Exit hastily._ - - - - -DRURY LANE HUSTINGS. - -A NEW HALFPENNY BALLAD. - -BY A PIC-NIC POET. - - This is the very age of promise. To promise is most courtly and - fashionable. Performance is a kind of will or testament, which - argues a great sickness in his judgment that makes it.--TIMON OF - ATHENS. - - - _To be sung by_ MR. JOHNSTONE _in the character of_ - LOONEY M'TWOLTER. - - -I. - - "Mr. Jack, your address," says the prompter to me, - So I gave him my card--"No, that a'nt it," says he, - "'Tis your public address." "Oh!" says I, "never fear, - If address you are bother'd for, only look here." - [_Puts on hat affectedly._ - Tol de rol lol, &c. - - -II. - - With Drurys for sartain we'll never have done, - We've built up another, and yet there's but one; - The old one was best, yet I'd say, if I durst, - The new one is better--the last is the first. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -III. - - These pillars are called by a Frenchified word, - A something that's jumbled of antique and verd, - The boxes may show us some verdant antiques, - Some bold harridans who beplaster their cheeks. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IV. - - Only look how high Tragedy, Comedy, stick, - Lest their rivals, the horses, should give them a kick! - If you will not descend when our authors beseech ye, - You'll stop there for life, for I'm sure they can't reach ye. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -V. - - Each one shilling god within reach of a nod is, - And plain are the charms of each gallery goddess, - You, brandy-faced Moll, don't be looking askew, - When I talked of a goddess I didn't mean you. - Tol de rol, &c - - -VI. - - Our stage is so prettily fashion'd for viewing, - The whole house can see what the whole house is doing. - 'Tis just like the hustings, we kick up a bother, - But saying is one thing and doing's another. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VII. - - We've many new houses, and some of them rum ones, - But the newest of all is the new House of Commons, - 'Tis a rickety sort of a bantling I'm told, - It will die of old age when it's seven years old. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VIII. - - As I don't know on whom the election will fall, - I move in return for returning them all; - But for fear Mr. Speaker my meaning should miss, - The house that I wish 'em to sit in is this. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IX. - - Let us cheer our great Commoner, but for whose aid - We all should have gone with short commons to bed, - And since he has saved all the fat from the fire, - I move that the House be call'd Whitbread's Entire. - Tol de rol, &c. - - - - -ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS. - -TRANSLATED BY DR. B. - -Lege, Dick, Lege!--JOSEPH ANDREWS. - - -_To be recited by the Translator's Son._ - - Away, fond dupes! who smit with sacred lore, - Mosaic dreams in Genesis explore, - Dote with Copernicus, or darkling stray - With Newton, Ptolemy, or Tycho Brahe: - To you I sing not, for I sing of truth, - Primæval systems, and creation's youth; - Such as of old, with magic wisdom fraught, - Inspired Lucretius to the Latians taught. - - I sing how casual bricks, in airy climb, - Encounter'd casual horse-hair, casual lime; - How rafters borne through wondering clouds elate, - Kiss'd in their slope blue elemental slate, - Clasp'd solid beams in chance-directed fury, - And gave to birth our renovated Drury. - Thee, son of Jove, whose sceptre was confessed, - Where fair OEolia springs from Tethys' breast: - Thence on Olympus 'mid Celestials placed, - God of the winds, and Ether's boundless waste, - Thee I invoke! Oh, _puff_ my bold design, - Prompt the bright thought, and swell the harmonious line; - Uphold my pinions, and my verse inspire - With Winsor's patent gas, or wind of fire, - In whose pure blaze thy embryo form enroll'd, - The dark enlightens, and enchafes the cold. - - But while I court thy gifts, be mine to shun - The deprecated prize Ulysses won; - Who sailing homeward from thy breezy shore, - The prison'd winds in skins of parchment bore:-- - Speeds the fleet bark, till o'er the billowy green - The azure heights of Ithaca are seen; - But while with favouring gales her way she wins, - His curious comrades ope the mystic skins: - When lo! the rescued winds, with boisterous sweep, - Roar to the clouds, and lash the rocking deep; - Heaves the smote vessel in the howling blast, - Splits the stretch'd sail, and cracks the tottering mast. - Launch'd on a plank, the buoyant hero rides - Where ebon Afric stems the sable tides, - While his duck'd comrades o'er the ocean fly, - And sleep not in the whole skins they untie. - - So when to raise the wind some lawyer tries, - Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes. - On speed the smiling suit, "Pleas of our Lord - The King" shine jetty on the wide record: - Nods the prunella'd bar, attornies smile, - And siren jurors flatter to beguile; - Till stript--nonsuited--he is doom'd to toss - In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss; - Lucky, if, like Ulysses, he can keep - His head above the waters of the deep. - - Æolian monarch! Emperor of Puffs! - We modern sailors dread not thy rebuffs; - See to thy golden shore promiscuous come - Quacks for the lame, the blind, the deaf, the dumb; - Fools are their bankers--a prolific line, - And every mortal malady's a mine. - Each sly Sangrado, with his poisonous pill, - Flies to the printer's devil with his bill, - Whose Midas touch can gild his asses' ears, - And load a knave with folly's rich arrears. - And lo! a second miracle is thine, - For sloe-juiced water stands transform'd to wine. - Where Day and Martin's patent blacking roll'd, - Burst from the vase Pactolian streams of gold; - Laugh the sly wizards glorying in their stealth, - Quit the black art, and loll in lazy wealth. - See Britain's Algerines, the Lottery fry, - Win annual tribute by the annual lie. - Aided by thee--but whither do I stray? - Court, city, borough, own thy sovereign sway: - An age of puffs the age of gold succeeds, - And windy bubbles are the spawn it breeds. - - If such thy power, O hear the Muse's prayer! - Swell thy loud lungs, and wave thy wings of air; - Spread, viewless giant, all thy arms of mist - Like windmill sails to bring the poet grist; - As erst thy roaring son with eddying gale - Whirl'd Orithyia from her native vale-- - So, while Lucretian wonders I rehearse, - Augusta's sons shall patronize my verse. - - I sing of Atoms, whose creative brain, - With eddying impulse, built new Drury Lane; - Not to the labours of subservient man, - To no young Wyatt appertains the plan; - We mortals stalk, like horses in a mill, - Impassive media of Atomic will; - Ye stare! then truth's broad talisman discern-- - 'Tis Demonstration speaks.--Attend and learn! - - From floating elements in chaos hurl'd, - Self-form'd of atoms, sprang the infant world. - No great First Cause inspired the happy plot, - But all was matter, and no matter what. - Atoms, attracted by some law occult, - Settling in spheres, the globe was the result; - Pure child of Chance, which still directs the ball, - As rotatory atoms rise or fall. - In ether launch'd, the peopled bubble floats, - A mass of particles and confluent motes, - So nicely pois'd, that if one atom flings - Its weight away, aloft the planet springs, - And wings its course thro' realms of boundless space, - Outstripping comets in eccentric race. - Add but one atom more, it sinks outright - Down to the realms of Tartarus and night. - What waters melt or scorching fires consume, - In different forms their being reassume; - Hence can no change arise, except in name, - For weight and substance ever are the same. - - Thus with the flames that from old Drury rise, - Its elements primæval sought the skies, - There, pendulous to wait the happy hour, - When new attractions should restore their power. - So in this procreant theatre elate, - Echoes unborn their future life await; - Here embryo sounds in ether lie conceal'd, - Like words in northern atmosphere congeal'd. - Here many a fÅ“tus laugh and half encore - Clings to the roof, or creeps along the floor. - By puffs concipient some in ether flit, - And soar in bravos from the thundering pit; - Some forth on ticket nights from tradesmen break, - To mar the actor they design to make; - While some this mortal life abortive miss, - Crush'd by a groan, or strangled by a hiss. - So, when "dog's-meat" re-echoes through the streets, - Rush sympathetic dogs from their retreats, - Beam with bright blaze their supplicating eyes, - Sink their hind-legs, ascend their joyful cries; - Each, wild with hope, and maddening to prevail, - Points the pleased ear, and wags the expectant tail. - - Ye fallen bricks! in Drury's fire calcined, - Since doom'd to slumber, couch'd upon the wind, - Sweet was the hour, when tempted by your freaks, - Congenial trowels smooth'd your yellow cheeks. - Float dulcet serenades upon the ear, - Bends every atom from its ruddy sphere, - Twinkles each eye, and, peeping from its veil, - Marks in the adverse crowd its destined male. - The oblong beauties clap their hands of grit, - And brick-dust titterings on the breezes flit; - Then down they rush in amatory race, - Their dusty bridegrooms eager to embrace. - Some choose old lovers, some decide for new, - But each, when fix'd, is to her station true. - Thus various bricks are made as tastes invite, - The red, the grey, the dingy, or the white. - - Perhaps some half-baked rover, frank and free, - To alien beauty bends the lawless knee, - But of unhallow'd fascinations sick, - Soon quits his Cyprian for his married brick; - The Dido atom calls and scolds in vain, - No crisp Æneas soothes the widow's pain. - - So in Cheapside, what time Aurora peeps, - A mingled noise of dustmen, milk, and sweeps, - Falls on the housemaid's ear; amaz'd she stands, - Then opes the door with cinder-sabled hands, - And "matches" calls. The dustman, bubbled flat, - Thinks 'tis for him, and doffs his fan-tail'd hat; - The milkman, whom her second cries assail, - With sudden sink, unyokes the clinking pail; - Now louder grown, by turns she screams and weeps; - Alas! her screaming only brings the sweeps. - Sweeps but put out--she wants to raise a flame, - And calls for matches, but 'tis still the same. - Atoms and housemaids! mark the moral true, - If once ye go astray, no _match_ for you! - - As atoms in one mass united mix, - So bricks attraction feel for kindred bricks; - Some in the cellar view, perchance, on high, - Fair chimney chums on beds of mortar lie; - Enamour'd of the sympathetic clod, - Leaps the red bridegroom to the labourer's hod, - And up the ladder bears the workman, taught - To think he bears the bricks--mistaken thought! - A proof behold--if near the top they find - The nymphs or broken corner'd, or unkind, - Back to the bottom leaping with a bound, - They bear their bleeding carriers to the ground. - - So legends tell, along the lofty hill - Paced the twin heroes, gallant Jack and Jill; - On trudged the Gemini to reach the rail - That shields the well's top from the expectant pail, - When ah! Jack falls; and, rolling in the rear, - Jill feels the attraction of his kindred sphere; - Head over heels begins his toppling track, - Throws sympathetic somersets with Jack, - And at the mountain's base, bobbs plump against him, whack! - - Ye living atoms, who unconscious sit, - Jumbled by chance in gallery, box, and pit, - For you no Peter opes the fabled door, - No churlish Charon plies the shadowy oar;-- - Breathe but a space, and Boreas' casual sweep - Shall bear your scatter'd corses o'er the deep, - To gorge the greedy elements, and mix - With water, marl, and clay, and stones and sticks; - While, charged with fancied souls, sticks, stones and clay, - Shall take your seats, and hiss or clap the play. - - O happy age! when convert Christians read - No sacred writings but the Pagan creed; - O happy age! when spurning Newton's dreams, - Our poet's sons recite Lucretian themes, - Abjure the idle systems of their youth, - And turn again to atoms and to truth. - O happier still! when England's dauntless dames, - Awed by no chaste alarms, no latent shames, - The bard's fourth book unblushingly peruse, - And learn the rampant lessons of the stews! - - All hail, Lucretius, renovated sage! - Unfold the modest mystics of thy page; - Return no more to thy sepulchral shelf, - But live, kind bard,--that I may live myself! - - - - -THEATRICAL ALARM BELL. - -BY THE EDITOR OF THE M. P. - -Bounce, Jupiter, bounce!--O'HARA. - - -LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, - -As it is now the universally-admitted, and indeed -pretty-generally-suspected aim of Mr. Whitbread and the infamous, -bloodthirsty, and, in fact, illiberal faction to which he belongs, to -burn to the ground this free and happy Protestant city, and establish -himself in St. James's Palace, his fellow committee-men have thought -it their duty to watch the principles of a theatre built under his -auspices. The information they have received from undoubted authority, -particularly from an old fruit-woman who had turned king's evidence, and -whose name for obvious reasons we forbear to mention, though we have had -it some weeks in our possession, has induced them to introduce various -reforms: not such reforms as the vile faction clamour for, meaning -thereby revolution, but such reforms as are necessary to preserve the -glorious constitution of the only free, happy, and prosperous country -now left upon the face of the earth. From the valuable and authentic -source above alluded to, we have learnt that a sanguinary plot has -been formed by some united Irishmen, combined with a gang of Luddites, -and a special committee sent over by the Pope at the instigation of -the beastly Corsican fiend, for destroying all the loyal part of -the audience on the anniversary of that deeply-to-be-abhorred and -highly-to-be-blamed stratagem, the gunpowder plot, which falls this year -on Thursday, the 5th of November. The whole is under the direction of -a delegated committee of O.P.'s, whose treasonable exploits at Covent -Garden you all recollect, and all of whom would have been hung from the -chandeliers at that time but for the mistaken lenity of government. -At a given signal a well-known O.P. was to cry out from the gallery, -"Nosey! Music!" whereupon all the O.P.'s were to produce from their -inside pockets a long pair of shears, edged with felt to prevent their -making any noise, manufactured expressly by a wretch at Birmingham, -one of Mr. Brougham's evidences, and now in custody. With these they -were to cut off the heads of all the loyal N.P.'s in the house, without -distinction of sex or age. At the signal, similarly given, of "Throw -him over," which it now appears always alluded to the overthrow of our -never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-deeply-and-universally-to-be-venerated -constitution, all the heads of the N.P.'s were to be thrown at the -fiddlers, to prevent their appearing in evidence, or perhaps as a false -and illiberal insinuation that they have no heads of their own. All that -we know of the further designs of these incendiaries is, that they are -by-a-great-deal-too-much too-horrible-to-be-mentioned. - -The manager has acted with his usual promptitude on this trying -occasion. He has contracted for 300 tons of gunpowder, which -are at this moment placed in a small barrel under the pit, and -a descendant of Guy Faux, assisted by Colonel Congreve, has -undertaken to blow up the house, when necessary, in so novel and -ingenious a manner, that every O.P. shall be annihilated, while not -a whisker of the N.P.'s shall be singed. This strikingly displays -the advantages of loyalty and attachment to government. Several -other hints have been taken from the theatrical regulations of the -not-a-bit-the-less-on-that-account-to-be-universally-execrated monster -Bonaparte. A park of artillery, provided with chain-shot, is to be -stationed on the stage, and play upon the audience in case of any -indication of misplaced applause or popular discontent (which accounts -for the large space between the curtain and the lamps); and the public -will participate our satisfaction in learning that the indecorous custom -of standing up with the hat on is to be abolished, as the Bow Street -officers are provided with daggers, and have orders to stab all such -persons to the heart, and send their bodies to Surgeons' Hall; gentlemen -who cough are only to be slightly wounded. Fruit-women bawling "Bill of -the Play" are to be forthwith shot, for which purpose soldiers will be -stationed in the slips, and ball-cartridge is to be served out with the -lemonade. If any of the spectators happen to sneeze or spit they are to -be transported for life, and any person who is so tall as to prevent -another seeing, is to be dragged out and sent on board the tender, or, by -an instrument taken out of the pocket of Procrustes, to be forthwith cut -shorter, either at the head or foot, according as his own convenience may -dictate. - -Thus, ladies and gentlemen, have the committee, through my medium, -set forth the not-in-a-hurry-to-be-paralleled plan they have -adopted for preserving order and decorum within the walls of their -magnificent edifice. Nor have they, while attentive to their own -concerns, by any means overlooked those of the cities of London -and Westminster. Finding, on enumeration, that they have with a -with-two-hands-and-one-tongue-to-be-applauded liberality, contracted -for more gunpowder than they want, they have parted with the surplus -to the mattock-carrying and hustings-hammering high bailiff of -Westminster, who has, with his own shovel, dug a large hole in -the front of the parish church of St. Paul, Covent Garden, that, -upon the least symptom of ill-breeding in the mob at the general -election, the whole of the market may be blown into the air. This, -ladies and gentlemen, may at first make provisions _rise_, but -we pledge the credit of our theatre that they will soon _fall_ -again, and people be supplied as usual with vegetables in the -in-general-strewed-with-cabbage-stalks-but-on-Saturday-night-lighted-up- -with-lamps market of Covent Garden. - -I should expatiate more largely on the other advantages of the glorious -constitution of these by-the-whole-of-Europe-envied realms, but I am -called away to take an account of the ladies, and other artificial -flowers, at a fashionable rout, of which a full and particular account -will hereafter appear. For the present, my fashionable intelligence is -scanty, on account of the opening of Drury Lane; and the ladies and -gentlemen who honour me with their attention, will not be surprised if -they find nothing under my usual head! - - - - -THE THEATRE. - -BY THE REV. G. C. - - Nil intentatum nostri liquôre poetæ, - Nec minimum meruère decus, vestigia Græca - Ausi desesere, et celebrare domestica facta.--HORAT. - - -A PREFACE OF APOLOGIES. - -If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected for the -opening Address, a few words of explanation may be deemed necessary, on -my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. The animadversion I have -thought it right to make on the noise created by tuning the orchestra, -will, I hope, give no lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed -in the band. It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments -ready tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation to -many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who not being blest -with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning for the overture, and -think the latter concluded before it is begun. - - "one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still--" - -was originally written "one hautboy will," but having providentially -been informed, when this poem was upon the point of being sent off, that -there is but one hautboy in the band, I averted the storm of popular and -managerial indignation from the head of its blower; as it now stands, -"one fiddle" among many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape -detection. The story of the flying playbill is calculated to expose -a practice, much too common, of pinning playbills to the cushions, -insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these -lines save one playbill only from the fate I have recorded, I shall not -deem my labour ill employed. The concluding episode of Patrick Jennings, -glances at the boorish fashion of wearing the hat in the one-shilling -gallery. Had Jennings thrust his between his feet at the commencement of -the play, he might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe -I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs formed to -enable him to recover his loss, is purposely so crossed in texture and -materials, as to mislead the reader in respect of the real owner of any -one of them. For, in the satirical view of life and manners, which I -occasionally present, my clerical profession has taught me how extremely -improper it would be by any allusion, however slight, to give any -uneasiness, however trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked. - - G. C. - - - - -THE THEATRE. - - Interior of a theatre described.--Pit gradually fills.--The - check-taker.--Pit full.--The orchestra tuned.--One fiddle - rather dilatory.--Is reproved--and repents.--Evolutions of a - playbill.--Its final settlement on the spikes.--The gods taken - to task--and why.--Motley group of playgoers.--Holywell Street, - St. Pancras.--Emanuel Jennings binds his son apprentice.--Not in - London--and why.--Episode of the hat. - - - 'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six, - Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks, - Touch'd by the lamplighter's Promethean art, - Start into light and make the lighter start; - To see red Phoebus through the gallery pane - Tinge with his beam the beams of Drury Lane, - While gradual parties fill our widen'd pit, - And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit. - - At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease, - Distant or near, they settle where they please; - But when the multitude contracts the span, - And seats are rare, they settle where they can. - - Now the full benches, to late comers, doom - No room for standing, miscall'd _standing-room_. - - Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks, - And bawling "Pit full," gives the check he takes; - Yet onward still, the gathering numbers cram, - Contending crowders shout the frequent damn, - And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, jam. - - See to their desks Apollo's sons repair; - Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair; - In unison their various tones to tune - Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon; - In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute, - Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute, - Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp, - Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp; - Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in, - Attunes to order the chaotic din. - Now all seems hush'd--but no, one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still; - Foil'd in his crash, the leader of the clan - Reproves with frowns the dilatory man; - Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow, - Nods a new signal, and away they go. - Perchance, while pit and gallery cry, "Hats off," - And awed Consumption checks his chided cough, - Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love - Drops, reft of pin, her playbill from above; - Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap, - Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap; - But, wiser far than he, combustion fears, - And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers; - Till sinking gradual, with repeated twirl, - It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl; - Who from his powder'd pate the intruder strikes, - And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes. - - Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? - Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? - He who, in quest of quiet, "silence" hoots, - Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. - - What various swains our motley walls contain! - Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick Lane; - Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort, - Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court; - From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, - Culls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane; - The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, - The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; - Boys who long linger at the gallery door, - With pence twice five, they want but twopence more, - Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, - And sends them jumping up the gallery stairs. - - Critics we boast who ne'er their malice baulk, - But talk their minds, we wish they'd mind their talk; - Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, - Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; - Jews from St. Mary Axe, for jobs so wary, - That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; - And bucks with pockets empty as their pate, - Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait, - Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse - With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house. - - Yet here, as elsewhere, chance can joy bestow, - Where scowling fortune seem'd to threaten woe. - - John Richard William Alexander Dwyer - Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire; - But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues, - Emanuel Jennings polish'd Stubbs's shoes. - Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy - Up as a corn-cutter, a safe employ; - In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred - (At number twenty-seven, it is said), - Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head: - He would have bound him to some shop in town, - But with a premium he could not come down; - Pat was the urchin's name, a red-hair'd youth, - Fonder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth. - - Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongues in awe, - The Muse shall tell an accident she saw. - - Pat Jennings in the upper gallery sat, - But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat; - Down from the gallery the beaver flew, - And spurn'd the one to settle in the two. - How shall he act? Pay at the gallery door - Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four? - Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait, - And gain his hat again at half-past eight? - Now, while his fears anticipate a thief, - John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief." - "Thank you," cries Pat, "but one won't make a line;" - "Take mine," cried Wilson, and cried Stokes, "take mine." - A motley cable soon Pat Jennings ties, - Where Spitalfields with real India vies. - Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted hue, - Starr'd, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue, - Old calico, torn silk, and muslin new. - George Green below, with palpitating hand, - Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band. - Up soars the prize; the youth, with joy unfeign'd, - Regain'd the felt, and felt what he regain'd, - While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat - Made a low bow, and touch'd the ransom'd hat. - - - - -_To the Managing Committee of the New Drury Lane Theatre._ - - -GENTLEMEN, - -Happening to be wool-gathering at the foot of Mount Parnassus, I was -suddenly seized with a violent travestie in the head. The first symptoms -I felt were several triple rhymes floating about my brain, accompanied by -a singing in my throat, which quickly communicated itself to the ears of -everybody about me, and made me a burthen to my friends, and a torment -to Doctor Apollo, three of whose favourite servants, that is to say, -Macbeth, his butcher, Mrs. Haller, his cook, and George Barnwell, his -book-keeper, I waylaid in one of my fits of insanity, and mauled after -a very frightful fashion. In this woeful crisis I accidentally heard -of your invaluable New Patent Hissing Pit, which cures every disorder -incident to Grub Street. I send you enclosed a more detailed specimen of -my case; if you could mould it into the shape of an Address to be said -or sung on the first night of your performance, I have no doubt that I -should feel the immediate effects of your invaluable New Patent Hissing -Pit, of which they tell me one hiss is a dose. - - I am, &c. - MOMUS MEDLAR. - - - - -CASE NO. I. - - -MACBETH. - - _Enter_ MACBETH _in a red nightcap_. PAGE _following with a torch_. - - Go, boy, and thy good mistress tell - (She knows that my purpose is cruel), - I'd thank her to tingle her bell, - As soon as she's heated my gruel. - Go, get thee to bed and repose, - To sit up so late is a scandal; - But ere you have ta'en off your clothes, - Be sure that you put out that candle. - Ri fol de rol tol de rol lol. - - My stars, in the air here's a knife! - I'm sure it cannot be a hum; - I'll catch at the handle, add's life, - And then I shall not cut my thumb. - I've got him!--no, at him again, - Come, come, I'm not fond of these jokes: - This must be some blade of the brain: - Those witches are given to hoax. - - I've one in my pocket, I know, - My wife left on purpose behind her, - She bought this of Teddy-high-ho, - The poor Caledonian grinder. - I see thee again! o'er thy middle - Large drops of red blood now are spill'd, - Just as much as to say diddle diddle, - Good Duncan pray come and be kill'd. - - It leads to his chamber, I swear; - I tremble and quake every joint; - No dog at the scent of a hare - Ever yet made a cleverer point. - Ah, no! 'twas a dagger of straw-- - Give me blinkers to save me from starting; - The knife that I thought that I saw, - Was nought but my eye, Betty Martin. - - Now o'er this terrestrial hive - A life paralytic is spread, - For while the one half is alive, - The other is sleepy and dead. - King Duncan in grand majesty - Has got my state bed for a snooze, - I've lent him my slippers, so I - May certainly stand in his shoes. - - Blow softly, ye murmuring gales, - Ye feet rouse no echo in walking, - For though a dead man tells no tales, - Dead walls are much given to talking. - This knife shall be in at the death, - I'll stick him, then off safely get. - Cries the world, this could not be Macbeth, - For he'd ne'er stick at anything yet. - - Hark, hark, 'tis the signal by goles, - It sounds like a funeral knell: - O hear it not, Duncan, it tolls - To call thee to heaven or hell. - Or if you to heaven won't fly, - But rather prefer Pluto's ether, - Only wait a few years till I die, - And we'll go to the devil together, - Ri fol de rol, &c. - - - - -CASE NO. II. - - -THE STRANGER. - - Who has e'er been at Drury must needs know the Stranger, - A wailing old Methodist, gloomy and wan, - A husband suspicious, his wife acted Ranger, - She took to her heels, and left poor Hypochon. - Her martial gallant swore that truth was a libel, - That marriage was thraldom, elopement no sin; - Quoth she, "I remember the words of my Bible, - My spouse is a Stranger, and I'll take him in." - With my sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see; - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - To keep up her dignity, no longer rich enough, - Where was her plate? why 'twas laid on the shelf. - Her land fuller's earth, and her great riches kitchen stuff, - Dressing the dinner instead of herself. - No longer permitted in diamonds to sparkle, - Now plain Mrs. Haller, of servants the dread, - With a heart full of grief and a pan full of charcoal, - She lighted the company up to their bed. - - Incensed at her flight, her poor hubby in dudgeon - Roam'd after his rib in a gig and a pout, - Till, tired with his journey, the peevish curmudgeon, - Sat down and blubber'd just like a church spout. - One day on a bench as dejected and sad he laid, - Hearing a squash, he cried, "Hullo, what's that?" - 'Twas a child of the Count's, in whose service lived Adelaide, - Soused in the river and squalled like a cat. - - Having drawn his young excellence up to the bank, it - Appear'd that himself was all dripping, I swear, - No wonder he soon became dry as a blanket, - Exposed as he was to the Count's _son_ and _heir_. - "Dear sir," quoth the Count, "in reward of your valour, - To show that my gratitude is not mere talk, - You shall eat a beefsteak which my cook, Mrs. Haller, - Cut from the rump with her own knife and fork." - - Behold, now the Count gave the Stranger a dinner, - With gunpowder tea, which you know brings a ball, - And, thin as he was, that he might not grow thinner, - He made of the Stranger no stranger at all; - At dinner fair Adelaide brought up a chicken, - A bird that she never had met with before, - But, seeing him, scream'd, and was carried off, kicking, - And he bang'd his nob 'gainst the opposite door. - - To finish my tale without roundaboutation, - Young master and missee besieged their papa, - They sung a quartetto in grand blubberation; - The Stranger cried "Oh!" Mrs. Haller cried "Ah!" - Though pathos and sentiment largely are dealt in, - I have no good moral to give in exchange, - For though she as a cook might be given to melting, - The Stranger's behaviour was certainly strange, - With his sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see, - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - - - -CASE NO. III. - - -GEORGE BARNWELL. - - George Barnwell stood at the shop door, - A customer hoping to find, sir; - His apron was hanging before, - But the tail of his coat was behind, sir. - A lady so painted and smart, - Cried, "Sir, I've exhausted my stock o' late, - I've got nothing left but a groat, - Could you give me four penn'orth of chocolate? - Rum ti, &c. - - Her face was rouged up to the eyes, - Which made her look prouder and prouder, - His hair stood on end with surprise, - And hers with pomatum and powder. - The business was soon understood; - The lady, who wish'd to be more rich, - Cries, "Sweet sir, my name is Milwood, - And I lodge at the Gunner's, in Shoreditch." - Rum ti, &c. - - Now nightly he stole out, good lack, - And into her lodging would pop, sir, - And often forgot to come back, - Leaving master to shut up the shop, sir, - Her beauty his wits did bereave; - Determin'd to be quite the crack O, - He lounged at the Adam and Eve, - And call'd for his gin and tobacco. - Rum ti, &c. - - And now (for the truth must be told) - Though none of a 'prentice should speak ill, - He stole from the till all the gold, - And ate the lump sugar and treacle. - In vain did his master exclaim, - "Dear George, don't engage with that Dragon, - She'll lead you to sorrow and shame, - And leave you the devil a rag on - Your Rum ti," &c. - - In vain he entreats and implores - The weak and incurable ninny, - So kicks him at last out of doors, - And Georgy soon spends his last guinea. - His uncle, whose generous purse - Had often relieved him, as I know, - Now finding him grow worse and worse, - Refused to come down with the rhino. - Rum ti, &c. - - Cried Milwood, whose cruel heart's core, - Was so flinty that nothing could shock it, - "If ye mean to come here any more, - Pray come with more cash in your pocket. - Make nunky surrender his dibs, - Rub his pate with a pair of lead towels, - Or stick a knife into his ribs, - I'll warrant he'll then show some bowels." - Rum ti, &c. - - A pistol he got from his love, - 'Twas loaded with powder and bullet, - He trudged off to Camberwell Grove, - But wanted the courage to pull it. - "There's nunky as fat as a hog, - While I am as lean as a lizard; - Here's at you! you stingy old dog!" - And he whips a long knife in his gizzard. - Rum ti, &c. - - All you who attend to my song, - A terrible end of the farce shall see, - If you join the inquisitive throng - That followed poor George to the Marshalsea. - "If Milwood were here, dash my wigs!" - Quoth he, "I would pummel and lam her well! - Had I stuck to my prunes and my figs, - I ne'er had stuck nunky at Camberwell." - Rum ti, &c. - - Their bodies were never cut down, - For granny relates with amazement, - A witch bore 'em over the town - And hung them on Thorowgood's casement. - The neighbours, I've heard the folks say, - The miracle noisily brag on, - And the shop is to this very day, - The sign of the George and the Dragon. - Rum ti, &c. - - - - -PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS. - -BY T. H. - - Rhymes the rudders are of verses, - With which, like ships, they steer their courses.--HUDIBRAS. - - _Scene draws, and discovers_ PUNCH _on a throne surrounded by_ - LEAR, LADY MACBETH, MACBETH, OTHELLO, GEORGE BARNWELL, HAMLET, - GHOST, MACHEATH, JULIET, FRIAR, APOTHECARY, ROMEO, _and_ - FALSTAFF.--PUNCH _descends, and addresses them in the following_ - - -RECITATIVE. - - As manager of horses Mr. Merryman is, - So I with you am master of the ceremonies,-- - These grand rejoicings, let me see, how name ye 'em? - Oh, in Greek lingo 'tis E--pi--thalamium. - October's tenth it is, toss up each hat to-day, - And celebrate with shouts our opening Saturday. - On this great night 'tis settled by our manager, - That we, to please great Johnny Bull, should plan a jeer, - Dance a bang-up theatrical cotillon, - And put on tuneful Pegasus a pillion; - That every soul, whether or not a cough he has, - May kick like Harlequin, and sing like Orpheus. - So come, ye pupils of Sir John Gallini, - Spin up a teetotum like Angiollini; - That John and Mrs. Bull from ale and teahouses, - May shout huzza for Punch's Apotheosis! - [_They dance and sing._ - - -AIR--"_Sure such a day._"--TOM THUMB. - - _Lear._ Dance, Regan, dance with Cordelia and Goneril, - Down the middle, up again, poussette, and cross; - Stop Cordelia, do not tread upon her heel, - Regan feeds on coltsfoot, and kicks like a horse. - See, she twists her mutton fists like Molyneux or Beelzebub, - And t'other's clack, who pats her back, is louder far than Hell's - hubbub. - They tweak my nose, and round it goes, I fear they'll break the ridge - of it. - Or leave it all just like Vauxhall, with only half the bridge of it. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Lady Macbeth._ I kill'd the King, my husband is a heavy dunce, - He left the grooms unmassacred, then massacred the stud, - One loves long gloves, for mittens, like King's evidence, - Let truth with the fingers out, and won't hide blood. - - _Macbeth._ When spooneys on two knees implore the aid of sorcery. - To suit their wicked purposes they quickly put the laws awry, - With Adam I in wife may vie, for none could tell the use of her, - Except to cheapen golden pippins hawk'd about by Lucifer. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Othello._ Wife, come to life, forgive what your black lover did, - Spit the feathers from your mouth and munch roast beef; - Iago he may go and be toss'd in the coverlid, - That smother'd you because you pawn'd my handkerchief. - - _Geo. Barnwell._ Why, neger, so eager about your rib immaculate? - Milwood shows for hanging us they've got an ugly knack o' late; - If on beauty stead of duty but one peeper bent he sees, - Satan waits with Dolly baits to hook in us apprentices. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Hamlet._ I'm Hamlet in camlet, my ap and perihelia, - The moon can fix which lunatics makes sharp or flat. - I stuck by ill-luck, enamour'd of Ophelia, - Old Polony like a sausage, and exclaim'd, "Rat! Rat!" - - _Ghost._ Let Gertrude sup the poisoned cup, no more I'll be an - actor in - Such sorry food, but drink home-brew'd of Whitbread's manufacturing. - - _Macheath._ I'll Polly it, and folly it, and dance it quite the - dandy O, - But as for tunes I have but one, and that is "Drops of Brandy O." - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Juliet._ I'm Juliet Capulet, who took a dose of hellebore, - A Hell-of-a-bore I found it to put on a pall. - - _Friar._ And I am the friar who so corpulent a belly bore. - - _Apothecary._ And that is why poor skinny I have none at all. - - _Romeo._ I'm the resurrection man of buried bodies amorous. - - _Falstaff._ I'm fagg'd to death, and out of breath, and am for - quiet clamorous, - For though my paunch is round and staunch, I ne'er begin to fill it - ere I - Feel that I have no stomach left for entertainment military. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! [_Exeunt dancing._ - - - - -ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE. - -(1825.) - - - - -ODE TO MR. GRAHAM. - -THE AERONAUT. - - Up with me!--up with me into the sky!-- - - WORDSWORTH--ON A LARK: - - -I. - - Dear Graham, whilst the busy crowd, - The vain, the wealthy, and the proud, - Their meaner flights pursue, - Let us cast off the foolish ties - That bind us to the earth, and rise - And take a bird's-eye view! - - -II. - - A few more whiffs of my cigar - And then, in Fancy's airy car, - Have with thee for the skies: - How oft this fragrant smoke upcurl'd - Hath borne me from this little world, - And all that in it lies! - - -III. - - Away!--away!--the bubble fills-- - Farewell to earth and all its hills!-- - We seem to cut the wind!-- - So high we mount, so swift we go, - The chimney-tops are far below, - The Eagle's left behind! - - -IV. - - Ah me! my brain begins to swim!-- - The world is growing rather dim; - The steeples and the trees-- - My wife is getting very small! - I cannot see my babe at all!-- - The Dollond, if you please!-- - - -V. - - Do, Graham, let me have a quiz, - Lord! what a Lilliput it is, - That little world of Mogg's!-- - Are those the London Docks?--that channel, - The mighty Thames?--a proper kennel - For that small Isle of Dogs! - - -VI. - - What is that seeming tea-urn there! - That fairy dome, St. Paul's!--I swear, - Wren must have been a wren!-- - And that small stripe?--it cannot be - The City Road!--Good lack? to see - The little ways of men! - - -VII. - - Little, indeed!--my eyeballs ache - To find a turnpike. I must take - Their tolls upon my trust!-- - And where is mortal labour gone? - Look, Graham, for a little stone - MacAdamized to dust! - - -VIII. - - Look at the horses!--less than flies!-- - Oh, what a waste it was of sighs - To wish to be a Mayor! - What is the honour?--none at all, - One's honour must be very small - For such a civic chair! - - -IX. - - And there's Guildhall!--'tis far aloof-- - Methinks, I fancy thro' the roof - Its little guardian Gogs, - Like penny dolls--a tiny show!-- - Well,--I must say they're ruled below. - By very little logs! - - -X. - - Oh! Graham, how the upper air - Alters the standards of compare; - One of our silken flags - Would cover London all about-- - Nay, then--let's even empty out - Another brace of bags! - - -XI. - - Now for a glass of bright champagne - Above the clouds!--Come, let us drain - A bumper as we go! - But hold!--for God's sake do not cant - The cork away--unless you want - To brain your friends below. - - -XII. - - Think! what a mob of little men - Are crawling just within our ken, - Like mites upon a cheese! - Pshaw!--how the foolish sight rebukes - Ambitious thoughts!--can there be _Dukes_ - Of _Gloster_ such as these! - - -XIII. - - Oh! what is glory?--what is fame? - Hark to the little mob's acclaim, - 'Tis nothing but a hum! - A few near gnats would trump as loud - As all the shouting of a crowd - That has so far to come! - - -XIV. - - Well--they are wise that choose the near, - A few small buzzards in the ear, - To organs ages hence!-- - Ah me, how distance touches all; - It makes the true look rather small, - But murders poor pretence. - - -XV. - - "The world recedes!--it disappears! - Heav'n open on my eyes--my ears - With buzzing noises ring!" - A fig for Southey's Laureate lore!-- - What's Rogers here?--who cares for Moore - That hears the angels sing! - - -XVI. - - A fig for earth, and all its minions!-- - We are above the world's opinions, - Graham! we'll have our own!-- - Look what a vantage height we've got!-- - Now----_do_ you think Sir Walter Scott - Is such a Great Unknown? - - -XVII. - - Speak up!--or hath he hid his name - To crawl thro' "subways" into fame, - Like Williams of Cornhill?-- - Speak up, my lad!--when men run small - We'll show what's little in them all, - Receive it how they will! - - -XVIII. - - Think now of Irving!--shall he preach - The princes down--shall he impeach - The potent and the rich, - Merely on ethic stilts,--and I - Not moralize at two miles high - The true didactic pitch! - - -XIX. - - Come:--what d'ye think of Jeffrey, sir? - Is Gifford such a Gulliver - In Lilliput's Review, - That like Colossus he should stride - Certain small brazen inches wide - For poets to pass through? - - -XX. - - Look down! the world is but a spot. - Now say--Is Blackwood's _low_ or not, - For all the Scottish tone? - It shall not weigh us here--not where - The sandy burden's lost in air-- - Our lading--where is't flown! - - -XXI. - - Now,--like you Croly's verse indeed-- - In heaven--where one cannot read - The "Warren" on a wall? - What think you here of that man's fame? - Tho' Jerdan magnified his name, - To me 'tis very small! - - -XXII. - - And, truly, is there such a spell - In those three letters, L. E. L., - To witch a world with song? - On clouds the Byron did not sit, - Yet dared on Shakespeare's head to spit, - And say the world was wrong! - - -XXIII. - - And shall not we? Let's think aloud! - Thus being couch'd upon a cloud, - Graham, we'll have our eyes! - We felt the great when we were less, - But we'll retort on littleness - Now we are in the skies. - - -XXIV. - - O Graham, Graham, how I blame - The bastard blush,--the petty shame, - That used to fret me quite,-- - The little sores I cover'd then, - No sores on earth, nor sorrows when - The world is out of sight! - - -XXV. - - _My_ name is Tims. I am the man - That North's unseen diminish'd clan - So scurvily abused! - I am the very P. A. Z. - The London's Lion's small pin's head - So often hath refused! - - -XXVI. - - Campbell--(you cannot see him here)-- - Hath scorn'd my _lays_:--do his appear - Such great eggs from the sky? - And Longman, and his lengthy Co. - Long, only, in a little Row, - Have thrust my poems by! - - -XXVII. - - What else?--I'm poor, and much beset - With petty duns--that is--in debt - Some grains of golden dust! - But only worth, above, is worth. - What's all the credit of the earth? - An inch of cloth on trust! - - -XXVIII. - - What's Rothschild here, that wealthy man! - Nay, worlds of wealth?--Oh, if you can - Spy out,--the _Golden Ball!_ - Sure as we rose, all money sank: - What's gold or silver now?--the Bank - Is gone--the 'Change and all! - - -XXIX. - - What's all the ground-rent of the globe?-- - Oh, Graham, it would worry Job - To hear its landlords prate! - But after this survey, I think - I'll ne'er be bullied more, nor shrink - From men of large estate! - - -XXX. - - And less, still less, will I submit - To poor mean acres' worth of wit-- - I that have Heaven's span-- - I that like Shakespeare's self may dream - Beyond the very clouds, and seem - An Universal Man! - - -XXXI. - - Oh, Graham, mark those gorgeous crowds! - Like birds of paradise the clouds - Are winging on the wind! - But what is grander than their range? - More lovely than their sunset change?-- - The free creative mind! - - -XXXII. - - Well! the Adults' School's in the air! - The greatest men are lesson'd there - As well as the lessee! - Oh could earth's Ellistons thus small - Behold the greatest stage of all, - How humbled they would be! - - -XXXIII. - - "Oh would some god the giftie gie 'em, - To see themselves as others see 'em," - 'Twould much abate their fuss! - If they could think that from the skies - They are as little in our eyes - As they can think of us! - - -XXXIV. - - Of us! are _we_ gone out of sight? - Lessen'd! diminish'd! vanish'd quite! - Lost to the tiny town! - Beyond the Eagle's ken--the grope - Of Dollond's longest telescope! - Graham! we're going down! - - -XXXV. - - Ah me! I've touch'd a string that opes - The airy valve!--the gas elopes-- - Down goes our bright balloon!-- - Farewell the skies! the clouds! I smell - The lower world! Graham, farewell, - Man of the silken moon! - - -XXXVI. - - The earth is close! the City nears-- - Like a burnt paper it appears, - Studded with tiny sparks! - Methinks I hear the distant rout - Of coaches rumbling all about-- - We're close above the Parks! - - -XXXVII. - - I hear the watchmen on their beats, - Hawking the hour about the streets. - Lord! what a cruel jar - It is upon the earth to light! - Well--there's the finish of our flight! - I've smoked my last cigar! - - - - -ODE TO MR. M'ADAM. - -Let us take to the road!--BEGGAR'S OPERA. - - -I. - - M'adam, hail! - Hail, Roadian! hail, Colossus! who dost stand - Striding ten thousand turnpikes on the land! - Oh, universal Leveller! all hail! - To thee, a good, yet stony-hearted man, - The kindest one, and yet the flintiest going-- - To thee--how much for thy commodious plan, - Lanark Reformer of the Ruts, is Owing! - The Bristol mail - Gliding o'er ways, hitherto deem'd invincible, - When carrying patriots now shall never fail - Those of the most "_unshaken_ public principle." - Hail to thee, Scott of Scots! - Thou northern light, amid those heavy men! - Foe to Stonehenge, yet friend to all beside, - Thou scatter'st flints and favours far and wide, - From palaces to cots; - Dispenser of coagulated good! - Distributor of granite and of food! - Long may thy fame its even path march on, - E'en when thy sons are dead! - Best benefactor! though thou giv'st a stone - To those who ask for bread! - - -II. - - Thy first great trial in this mighty town - Was, if I rightly recollect, upon - That gentle hill which goeth - Down from "the County" to the Palace gate, - And, like a river, thanks to thee, now floweth - Past the Old Horticultural Society,-- - The chemist Cobb's, the house of Howell and James, - Where ladies play high shawl and satin games-- - A little _Hell_ of lace! - And past the Athenæum, made of late, - Severs a sweet variety - Of milliners and booksellers who grace - Waterloo Place, - Making division, the Muse fears and guesses, - 'Twixt Mr. Rivington's and Mr. Hessey's. - Thou stood'st thy trial, Mac! and shav'd the road - From Barber Beaumont's to the King's abode - So well, that paviours threw their rammers by, - Let down their tuck'd shirt-sleeves, and with a sigh - Prepar'd themselves, poor souls, to chip or die! - - -III. - - Next, from the palace to the prison, thou - Didst go, the highway's watchman, to thy beat,-- - Preventing though the _rattling_ in the street, - Yet kicking up a row, - Upon the stones--ah! truly watchman-like, - Encouraging thy victims all to strike, - To further thy own purpose, Adam, daily;-- - Thou hast smooth'd, alas, the path to the Old Bailey! - And to the stony bowers - Of Newgate, to encourage the approach, - By caravan or coach,-- - Hast strew'd the way with flints as soft as flowers. - - -IV. - - Who shall dispute thy name! - Insculpt in stone in every street, - We soon shall greet - Thy trodden down, yet all unconquer'd fame! - Where'er we take, even at this time, our way, - Nought see we, but mankind in open air, - Hammering thy fame, as Chantrey would not dare; - And with a patient care, - Chipping thy immortality all day! - Demosthenes, of old,--that rare old man,-- - Prophetically, _follow'd_, Mac! thy plan:-- - For he, we know - (History says so), - Put _pebbles_ in his mouth when he would speak - The _smoothest_ Greek! - - -V. - - It is "impossible, and cannot be," - But that thy genius hath, - Beside the turnpike, many another path - Trod, to arrive at popularity. - O'er Pegasus, perchance, thou hast thrown a thigh, - Nor ridden a roadster only;--mighty Mac! - And 'faith I'd swear, when on that winged hack, - Thou hast observ'd the highways in the sky! - Is the path up Parnassus rough and steep, - And "hard to climb," as Dr. B. would say? - Dost think it best for sons of song to keep - The noiseless _tenor_ of their way? (see Gray). - What line of road _should_ poets take to bring - Themselves unto those waters, lov'd the first!-- - Those waters which can wet a man to sing! - Which, like thy fame, "from _granite_ basins burst, - Leap into life, and, sparkling, woo the thirst?" - - -VI. - - That thou'rt a proser, even thy birthplace might - Vouchsafe;--and Mr. Cadell _may_, God wot, - Have paid thee many a pound for many a blot,-- - - - Cadell's a wayward wight! - Although no Walter, still thou art a Scot, - And I can throw, I think, a little light - Upon some works thou hast written for the town,-- - And publish'd, like a Lilliput Unknown! - "Highways and Byeways" is thy book, no doubt - (One whole edition's out), - And next, for it is fair - That Fame, - Seeing her children, should confess she had 'em;-- - "Some _Passages_ from the life of Adam Blair"-- - (Blair is a Scottish name), - What are they, but thy own good roads, M'Adam? - - -VII. - - O! indefatigable labourer - In the paths of men! when thou shalt die, 'twill be - A mark of thy surpassing industry, - That of the monument, which men shall rear - Over thy most inestimable bone, - Thou didst thy very self lay the first stone! - Of a right ancient line thou comest,--through - Each crook and turn we trace the unbroken clue, - Until we see thy sire before our eyes, - Rolling his gravel walks in Paradise! - But he, our great Mac Parent, err'd, and ne'er - Have our walks since been fair! - Yet Time, who, like the merchant, lives on 'Change, - For ever varying, through his varying range, - Time maketh all things even! - In this strange world, turning beneath high heaven! - He hath redeem'd the Adams, and contriv'd-- - (How are Time's wonders hiv'd!) - In pity to mankind, and to befriend 'em-- - (Time is above all praise) - That he, who first did make our evil ways, - Reborn in Scotland, should be first to mend 'em! - - - - -ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN. - -O breathe not his name!--MOORE. - - -I. - - Thou Great Unknown! - I do not mean Eternity nor Death, - That vast incog! - For I suppose thou hast a living breath, - Howbeit we know not from whose lung 'tis blown, - Thou man of fog! - Parent of many children--child of none! - Nobody's son! - Nobody's daughter--but a parent still! - Still but an ostrich parent of a batch - Of orphan eggs,--left to the world to hatch. - Superlative Nil! - A vox and nothing more,--yet not Vauxhall; - A head in papers, yet without a curl! - Not the Invisible Girl! - No hand--but a hand-writing on a wall-- - A popular nonentity, - Still call'd the same,--without identity! - A lark, heard out of sight,-- - A nothing shin'd upon,--invisibly bright, - "Dark with excess of light!" - Constable's literary John-a-nokes-- - The real Scottish wizard--to no which, - Nobody--in a niche; - Every one's hoax! - Maybe Sir Walter Scott-- - Perhaps not! - Why dost thou so conceal and puzzle curious folks? - - -II. - - Thou--whom the second-sighted never saw, - The Master Fiction of fictitious history! - Chief Nong tong paw! - No mister in the world--and yet all mystery! - The "tricksy spirit" of a Scotch Cock Lane-- - A _novel_ Junius puzzling the world's brain-- - A man of magic--yet no talisman! - A man of clair obscure--not him o' the moon! - A star--at noon. - A non-descriptus in a caravan, - A private--of no corps--a northern light - In a dark lantern,--Bogie in a crape-- - A figure--but no shape; - A vizor--and no knight; - The real abstract hero of the age; - The staple Stranger of the stage; - A Some One made in every man's presumption, - Frankenstein's monster--but instinct with gumption; - Another strange state captive in the north, - Constable-guarded in an iron mask-- - Still let me ask, - Hast thou no silver platter, - No door-plate, or no card--or some such matter, - To scrawl a name upon, and then cast forth? - - -III. - - Thou Scottish Barmecide, feeding the hunger - Of Curiosity with airy gammon? - Thou mystery-monger, - Dealing it out like middle cut of salmon, - That people buy and can't make head or tail of it - (Howbeit that puzzle never hurts the sale of it); - Thou chief of authors mystic and abstractical, - That lay their proper bodies on the shelf-- - Keeping thyself so truly to thyself, - Thou Zimmerman made practical! - Thou secret fountain of a Scottish style, - That, like the Nile, - Hideth its source wherever it is bred, - But still keeps disemboguing - (Not disembroguing) - Thro' such broad sandy mouths without a head! - Thou disembodied author--not yet dead,-- - The whole world's literary Absentee! - Ah! wherefore hast thou fled, - Thou learned Nemo--wise to a degree, - Anonymous LL.D.! - - -IV. - - Thou nameless captain of the nameless gang - That do--and inquests cannot say who did it! - Wert thou at Mrs. Donatty's death-pang? - Hast thou made gravy of Wear's watch--or hid it? - Hast thou a Blue Beard chamber? Heaven forbid it! - I should be very loth to see thee hang! - I hope thou hast an alibi well plann'd, - An innocent, altho' an ink-black hand. - Tho' thou hast newly turn'd thy private bolt on - The curiosity of all invaders-- - I hope thou art merely closeted with Colton, - Who knows a little of the _Holy Land_, - Writing thy next new novel--The Crusaders! - - -V. - - Perhaps thou wert even born - To be unknown. Perhaps hung, some foggy morn, - At Captain Coram's charitable wicket, - Penn'd to a ticket - That Fate had made illegible, foreseeing - The future great unmentionable being. - Perhaps thou hast ridden - A scholar poor on St. Augustine's back, - Like Chatterton, and found a dusty pack - Of Rowley novels in an old chest hidden; - A little hoard of clever simulation, - That took the town--and Constable has bidden - Some hundred pounds for a continuation-- - To keep and clothe thee in genteel starvation. - - -VI. - - I liked thy Waverley--first of thy breeding; - I like its modest "sixty years ago," - As if it was not meant for ages' reading. - I don't like Ivanhoe, - Tho' Dymoke does--it makes him think of clattering - In iron overalls before the king, - Secure from battering, to ladies flattering, - Tuning his challenge to the gauntlets' ring-- - Oh better far than all that anvil clang - It was to hear thee touch the famous string - Of Robin Hood's tough bow and make it twang, - Rousing him up, all verdant, with his clan, - Like Sagittarian Pan! - - -VII. - - I like Guy Mannering--but not that sham son - Of Brown. I like that literary Sampson, - Nine-tenths a Dyer, with a smack of Porson. - I like Dirk Hatteraick, that rough sea Orson - That slew the Gauger; - And Dandie Dinmont, like old Ursa Major; - And Merrilies, young Bertram's old defender, - That Scottish Witch of Endor, - That doom'd thy fame. She was the Witch, I take it, - To tell a great man's fortune--or to make it! - - -VIII. - - I like thy Antiquary. With his fit on, - He makes me think of Mr. Britton, - Who has--or had--within his garden wall, - A _miniature Stone Henge_, so very small - The sparrows find it difficult to sit on; - And Dousterswivel, like Poyais' M'Gregor; - And Edie Ochiltree, that old _Blue Beggar_, - Painted so cleverly, - I think thou surely knowest Mrs. Beverly! - I like thy Barber--him that fir'd the _Beacon_-- - But that's a tender subject now to speak on! - - -IX. - - I like long-arm'd Rob Roy. His very charms - Fashion'd him for renown! In sad sincerity, - The man that robs or writes must have long arms, - If he's to hand his deeds down to posterity! - Witness Miss Biffin's posthumous prosperity! - Her poor brown crumpled mummy (nothing more) - Bearing the name she bore, - A thing Time's tooth is tempted to destroy! - But Roys can never die--why else, in verity, - Is Paris echoing with "Vive le _Roy!_" - Ay, Rob shall live again, and deathless Di - Vernon, of course, shall often live again-- - Whilst there's a stone in Newgate, or a chain, - Who can pass by - Nor feel the Thief's in prison and at hand? - There be Old Bailey Jarveys on the stand! - - -X. - - I like thy Landlord's Tales!--I like that Idol - Of love and Lammermoor--the blue-eyed maid - That led to church the mounted cavalcade, - And then pull'd up with such a bloody bridal! - Throwing equestrian Hymen on his haunches-- - I like the family--not silver, branches - That hold the tapers - To light the serious legend of Montrose. - I like M'Aulay's second-sighted vapours, - As if he could not walk or talk alone. - Without the devil--or the Great Unknown-- - Dalgetty is the dearest of Ducrows! - - -XI. - - I like St. Leonard's Lily--drench'd with dew! - I like thy Vision of the Covenanters, - That bloody-minded Graham shot and slew. - I like the battle lost and won, - The hurly-burly's bravely done, - The warlike gallops and the warlike _cant_ers! - I like that girded chieftain of the ranters, - Ready to preach down heathens, or to grapple, - With one eye on his sword, - And one upon the Word-- - How _he_ would cram the Caledonian Chapel! - I like stern Claverhouse, though he doth dapple - His raven steed with blood of many a corse-- - I like dear Mrs. Headrigg, that unravels - Her texts of Scripture on a trotting horse-- - She is so like Rae Wilson when he travels! - - -XII. - - I like thy Kenilworth--but I'm not going - To take a Retrospective Re-Review - Of all thy dainty novels--merely showing - The old familiar faces of a few, - The question to renew, - How thou canst leave such deeds without a name, - Forego the unclaim'd dividends of fame, - Forego the smiles of literary houris-- - Mid Lothian's trump, and Fife's shrill note of praise, - And all the Carse of Gowrie's, - When thou might'st have thy statue in Cromarty-- - Or see thy image on Italian trays, - Betwixt Queen Caroline and Buonaparté, - Be painted by the Titian of R.A.'s, - Or vie in signboards with the Royal Guelph! - Perhaps have thy bust set cheek by jowl with Homer's, - Perhaps send out plaster proxies of thyself - To other Englands with Australian roamers-- - Mayhap, in literary Owhyhee - Displace the native wooden gods, or be - The China-Lar of a Canadian shelf! - - -XIII. - - It is not modesty that bids thee hide-- - She never wastes her blushes out of sight: - It is not to invite - The world's decision, for thy fame is tried,-- - And thy fair deeds are scatter'd far and wide, - Even royal heads are with thy readers reckon'd,-- - From men in trencher caps to trencher scholars - In crimson collars, - And learned serjeants in the forty-second! - Whither by land or sea art thou not beckon'd? - Mayhap exported from the Frith of Forth, - Defying distance and its dim control; - Perhaps read about Stromness, and reckon'd worth - A brace of Miltons for capacious soul-- - Perhaps studied in the whalers, further north, - And set above ten Shakespeares near the pole! - - -XIV. - - Oh, when thou writest by Aladdin's lamp, - With such a giant genius at command, - For ever at thy stamp, - To fill thy treasury from Fairy Land, - When haply thou might'st ask the pearly hand - Of some great British Vizier's eldest daughter, - Tho' princes sought her, - And lead her in procession hymeneal, - Oh, why dost thou remain a Beau Ideal! - Why stay, a ghost, on the Lethean wharf, - Envelop'd in Scotch mist and gloomy fogs? - Why, but because thou art some puny dwarf, - Some hopeless imp, like Riquet with the Tuft, - Fearing, for all thy wit, to be rebuff'd, - Or bullied by our great reviewing Gogs? - - -XV. - - What in this masquing age - Maketh Unknowns so many and so shy? - What but the critic's page? - One hath a cast, he hides from the world's eye, - Another hath a wen--he won't show where; - A third has sandy hair, - A hunch upon his back, or legs awry, - Things for a vile reviewer to espy! - Another hath a mangel-wurzel nose-- - Finally, this is dimpled, - Like a pale crumpet face, or that is pimpled; - Things for a monthly critic to expose-- - Nay, what is thy own case--that being small, - Thou choosest to be nobody at all! - - -XVI. - - Well, thou art prudent, with such puny bones-- - E'en like Elshender, the mysterious elf, - That shadowy revelation of thyself-- - To build thee a small hut of haunted stones-- - For certainly the first pernicious man - That ever saw thee, would quickly draw thee - In some vile literary caravan-- - Shown for a shilling - Would be thy killing. - Think of Crachami's miserable span! - No tinier frame the tiny spark could dwell in - Than there it fell in-- - But when she felt herself a show, she tried - To shrink from the world's eye, poor dwarf! and died! - - -XVII. - - O since it was thy fortune to be born - A dwarf on some Scotch _Inch_, and then to flinch - From all the Gog-like jostle of great men. - Still with thy small crow pen - Amuse and charm thy lonely hours forlorn-- - Still Scottish story daintily adorn, - Be still a shade--and when this age is fled, - When we poor sons and daughters of reality - Are in our graves forgotten and quite dead, - And Time destroys our mottoes of morality, - The lithographic hand of Old Mortality - Shall still restore thy emblem on the stone, - A featureless death's head, - And rob Oblivion ev'n of the Unknown! - - - - -TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE, - -EDITOR OF THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE. - - Dost thou not suspect my years?-- - - MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. - - -I. - - Oh! Mr. Urban! never must _thou_ lurch - A sober age made serious drunk by thee; - Hop in thy pleasant way from church to church, - And nurse thy little bald Biography. - - -II. - - Oh, my Sylvanus! what a heart is thine! - And what a page attends thee! Long may I - Hang in demure confusion o'er each line - That asks thy little questions with a sigh! - - -III. - - Old tottering years have nodded to their falls, - Like pensioners that creep about and die; - But thou, Old Parr of periodicals, - Livest in monthly immortality! - - -IV. - - How sweet!--as Byron of _his_ infant said,-- - "Knowledge of objects" in thine eye to trace; - To see the mild no-meanings of thy head, - Taking a quiet nap upon thy face! - - -V. - - How dear through thy Obituary to roam, - And not a name of any name to catch! - To meet thy Criticism walking home - Averse from rows, and never calling "Watch!" - - -VI. - - Rich is thy page in soporific things,-- - Composing compositions,--lulling men,-- - Faded old posies of unburied rings,-- - Confessions dozing from an opiate pen:-- - - -VII. - - Lives of Right Reverends that have never liv'd,-- - Deaths of good people that have really died,-- - Parishioners,--hatch'd, husbanded, and wiv'd,-- - Bankrupts and Abbots breaking side by side! - - -VIII. - - The sacred query,--the remote response,-- - The march of serious mind, extremely slow,-- - The graver's cut at some right aged sconce, - Famous for nothing many years ago! - - -IX. - - B. asks of C. if Milton e'er did write - "Comus," obscured beneath some Ludlow lid;-- - And C., next month, an answer doth indite, - Informing B. that Mr. Milton did! - - -X. - - X. sends the portrait of a genuine flea, - Caught upon Martin Luther years agone; - And Mr. Parkes, of Shrewsbury, draws a bee, - Long dead, that gather'd honey for King John. - - -XI. - - There is no end of thee,--there is no end, - Sylvanus, of thy A, B, C, D-merits! - Thou dost, with alphabets, old walls attend, - And poke the letters into holes, like ferrets. - - -XII. - - Go on, Sylvanus!--Bear a wary eye, - The churches cannot yet be quite run out! - Some parishes must yet have been pass'd by,-- - There's Bullock-Smithy has a church no doubt! - - -XIII. - - Go on--and close the eyes of distant ages! - Nourish the names of the undoubted dead! - So epicures shall pick thy lobster-pages, - Heavy and lively, though but seldom _red_. - - -XIV. - - Go on! and thrive! Demurest of odd fellows! - Bottling up dulness in an ancient binn! - Still live! still prose!--continue still to tell us - Old truths! no strangers, though we take them in! - - - - -AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY. - - _Archer._ How many are there, Scrub? - _Scrub._ Five-and-forty, Sir.--BEAUX STRATAGEM. - - For shame--let the linen alone!--M. W. OF WINDSOR. - - - Mr. Scrub--Mr. Slop--or whoever you be! - The Cock of Steam Laundries,--the head Patentee - Of Associate Cleansers,--chief founder and prime - Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime-- - Co-partners and dealers, in linen's propriety-- - That make washing public--and wash in society-- - O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego, - For a moment, the music that bubbles below,-- - From your new Surrey Geisers[216] all foaming and hot,-- - That soft "_simmer's_ sang" so endear'd to the Scot-- - If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger-- - If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger, - Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub-- - O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub-- - And lend me your ear,--Let me modestly plead - For a race that your labours may soon supersede-- - For a race that, now washing no living affords-- - Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards, - Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease, - Not with bread in the funds--or investments of cheese-- - But to droop like sad willows that liv'd by a stream, - Which the sun has suck'd up into vapour and steam. - Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge - Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge; - When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins, - She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens, - And beginneth her toil while the morn is still grey, - As if she was washing the night into day-- - Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora - Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her; - Not Venus that rose from the billow so early, - Look'd down on the foam with a forehead more _pearly_[217]-- - Her head is involv'd in an aërial mist, - And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist; - Her visage glows warm with the ardour of duty; - She's Industry's moral--she's all moral beauty! - Growing brighter and brighter at every rub-- - Would any man ruin her? No, Mr. Scrub! - No man that is manly would work her mishap-- - No man that is manly would covet her cap-- - Nor her apron--her hose--nor her gown made of stuff-- - Nor her gin, nor her tea, nor her wet pinch of snuff! - Alas! so _she_ thought, but that slippery hope - Has betrayed her, as tho' she had trod on her soap! - And she--whose support, like the fishes that fly, - Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky; - She whose living it was, and a part of her fare, - To be damp'd once a day, like the great white sea bear, - With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop-- - Quite a living absorbent that revell'd in slop-- - She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand, - And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land! - - Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands, - Instead of a counterpane, wringing her hands! - All haggard and pinch'd, going down in life's vale, - With no faggot for burning, like Allan-a-dale! - No smoke from her flue--and no steam from her pane, - Where once she watch'd heaven, fearing God and the rain-- - Or gaz'd o'er her bleach-field so fairly engross'd, - Till the lines wander'd idle from pillar to post! - Ah, where are the playful young pinners--ah, where - The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air-- - The brisk waltzing stockings--the white and the black, - That danc'd on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack-- - The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn'd, - That blew into shape, and embodied the wind! - There was white on the grass--there was white on the spray-- - Her garden--it look'd like a garden of May! - But now all is dark--not a shirt's on a shrub-- - You've ruin'd her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub! - You've ruin'd her custom--now families drop her-- - From her silver reduc'd--nay, reduc'd from her _copper_! - The last of her washing is done at her eye, - One poor little 'kerchief that never gets dry! - From mere lack of linen she can't lay a cloth, - And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth; - But her children come round her as victuals grow scant, - And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want-- - When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed, - And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead, - And even its pearlashes laid in the grave-- - Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave, - And the greatest of coopers, ev'n he that they dub - Sir Astley, can't bind up her heart or her tub,-- - Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub! - Need you wonder, when steam has depriv'd her of bread, - If she prays that the evil may visit _your_ head-- - Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee-- - If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city-- - In short, not to mention all plagues without number, - If she wishes you all in the _Wash_ at the Humber! - - Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair, - When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare-- - When the sum of her suds might be summ'd in a bowl, - And the rusty cold iron quite enter'd her soul-- - When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye - Had caught the "Cock Laundresses' Coach" going by, - Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather, - And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together, - In a lather of passion that froth'd as it rose, - Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose, - On her sheet--if a sheet were still left her--to write, - Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light-- - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 216: Geisers, the boiling springs in Iceland.] - -[Footnote 217: Query, _purly_?--Printer's Devil.] - - - - -LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE - -FROM BRIDGET JONES, - -TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE. - - - It's a shame, so it is,--men can't Let alone - Jobs as is Woman's right to do--and go about there Own-- - Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools - For washing to sit Up,--and push the Old Tubs from their stools! - But your just like the Raddicals,--for upsetting of the Sudds - When the world wagged well enuff--and Wommen washed your old - dirty duds, - I'm Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no stream Ingins, - that's Flat,-- - But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as tidy and gentlemanny for - all that-- - I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle - I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back - when I were little, - And they Said it went with Steem,--But that was a joke! - For I never see none come of it,--that's out of it--but only - sum Smoak-- - And for All your Power of Horses about your Ingins you never had - but Two - In my time to draw you About to Fairs--and curse you, you know - that's true! - And for All your fine Perspectuses,--howsomever you bewhich 'em, - Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum, - Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another - to Do-- - It aant as if a Bird'seye Hankicher can take a Bird'shigh view! - But Thats your lookout--I've not much to do with that--But pleas God - to hold up fine, - Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever - crosst the Line - Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place, - And Thats more than you Can--and Ill say it behind your face-- - But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,-- - As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak! - Thinks I, when I heard it--Well thear's a Pretty go! - That comes o' not marking of things, or washing out the marks, and - Huddling 'em up so! - Till Their friends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in - a Vault, - But may Hap you havint Larn'd to spel--and that ant your Fault. - Only you ought to leafe the Linnens to them as has larn'd,-- - For if it warnt for Washing,--and whare Bills is concarnd - What's the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Edication, - And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays--fit for any Cityation. - - Well, what I says is This--when every Kittle has its spout, - Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about! - To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind - For blowing up Boats with,--but not to hurt human kind - Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that's loaded with hot - water, - Thof a Sheriff might know Better, than make things for slaughter, - As if War warnt Cruel enuff--wherever it befalls, - Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing balls,-- - But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs - As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Stream rubbing Clubs, - For washing Dirt Cheap,--and eating other Peple's grubs! - Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea, - But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Bo-He! - They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!) - And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods, - When you and your Steam has ruined (G--d] forgive mee!) their lively - Hoods, - Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth! - And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth! - But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at-- - They won't do for Angell's--nor any Trade like That, - Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,--for that's all Bespoke,-- - For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk - Do their own of Themselves--even the bettermost of em--aye, and even - them of middling degrees-- - Why God help you Babby Linen ant Bread and Cheese! - Nor we can't go a hammering the roads into Dust, - But we must all go and be Bankers,--and that's what we must! - God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects, - When you nose you have suck'd us and hanged round our Mutherly necks, - And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing-- - You ant, curse you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing - In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers - And prettily jear'd At you great Horse God Meril things, ant you now - by you next door neighbours-- - Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up - No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp-- - And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round - They'll scruntch your Bones some day--I'll be bound - And no more nor be a gudgement,--for it cant come to good - To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,--nor not fit It should, - For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation, - Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation-- - And can't be dun without in any Country But a Hottinpot Nation. - Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs - And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs-- - But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nayther Bybills - or Good Tracks, - Or youd know better than Taking the Close off one's Backs-- - And let your neighbours oxin and Asses alone,-- - And every Thing thats hern,--and give every one their Hone! - - Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself, - And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf, - But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe - And pull off Your Pattins,--and leave the washing to we - That nose what's what--Or mark what I say, - Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day-- - When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all, - And Crist mass cum--and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall, - Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare - Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite in his Chare-- - Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to - wash (for you dont wash) but to stew - And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew - With a vast more like That,--and all along of Steam - Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam-- - But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good, - And I cant say I'm Sorry afore God if you shoud, - For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways - Without taking ourn,--aye, and Moor to your Prays - If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt, - But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt! - - Yourn with Anymocity, - - BRIDGET JONES. - - - - -ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE, - -THE GREAT LESSEE! - - _Rover._ Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the - greatest man living?--WILD OATS. - - -I. - - Oh! Great Lessee! Great Manager! Great Man! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! Immortal Pan - Of all the pipes that play in Drury Lane! - Macready's master! Westminster's high _Dane_! - As Galway Martin, in the House's walls, - Hamlet and Doctor Ireland justly calls! - Friend to the sweet and ever-smiling Spring! - Magician of the lamp and prompter's ring! - Drury's Aladdin! Whipper-in of Actors, - Kicker of rebel-preface-malefactors! - Glass-blowers' corrector! King of the cheque-taker! - At once Great Leamington and Winston-Maker! - Dramatic Bolter of plain Bunns and cakes! - In silken _hose_ the most reform'd of _Rakes_! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! lend me an ear! - (Poole is away, and Williams shall keep clear) - While I, in little slips of prose, not verse, - Thy splendid course, as pattern-work, rehearse! - - -II. - - Bright was thy youth--thy manhood brighter still-- - The greatest Romeo upon Holborn Hill-- - Lightest comedian of the pleasant day, - When Jordan threw her sunshine o'er a play! - But these, though happy, were but subject times, - And no man cares for bottom-steps that climbs-- - Far from my wish it is to stifle down - The hours that saw thee snatch the Surrey crown! - Tho' now thy hand a mightier sceptre wields, - Fair was thy reign in sweet St. George's Fields. - Dibdin was _Premier_--and a golden _age_ - For a short time enrich'd the subject stage. - Thou hadst, than other Kings, more peace-and-plenty; - Ours but one Bench could boast, but thou hadst twenty; - But the times changed--and Booth-acting no more - Drew Rulers' shillings to the gallery door. - Thou didst, with bag and baggage, wander thence, - Repentant, like thy neighbour Magdalens! - - -III. - - Next, the Olympic Games were tried, each feat - Practis'd, the most bewitching in Wych Street. - Charles had his royal ribaldry restor'd, - And in a downright neighbourhood drank and whor'd; - Rochester there in dirty ways again - Revell'd--and liv'd once more in Drury Lane: - But thou, R. W.! kept thy moral ways, - Pit-lecturing 'twixt the farces and the plays, - A lamplight Irving to the butcher boys - That soil'd the benches and that made a noise:-- - "YOU,--in the back!--can scarcely hear a line! - Down from those benches--butchers--they are MINE!" - - -IV. - - Lastly--and thou wert built for it by nature!-- - Crown'd was thy head in Drury Lane Th_ea_tre! - Gentle George Robins saw that it was good, - And renters cluck'd around thee in a brood. - King thou wert made of Drury and of Kean! - Of many a lady and of many a Quean! - With Poole and Larpent was thy reign begun-- - But now thou turnest from the Dead and Dun, - Hook's in thine eye, to write thy plays, no doubt, - And Colman lives to cut the damnlet's out! - Oh, worthy of the house! the King's commission! - Isn't thy condition "a most bless'd condition?" - Thou reignest over Winston, Kean, and all - The very lofty and the very small-- - Showest the plumbless Bunn the way to kick-- - Keepest a Williams for thy veriest stick-- - Seest a Vestris in her sweetest moments, - Without the danger of newspaper comments-- - Tellest Macready, as none dared before, - Thine open mind from the half-open door!-- - (Alas! I fear he has left Melpomene's crown, - To be a Boniface in Buxton town!)-- - Thou hold'st the watch, as half-price people know, - And callest to them, to a moment, "Go!" - Teachest the sapient Sapio how to sing-- - Hangest a cat most oddly by the wing-- - Hast known the length of a Cubitt-foot--and kiss'd - The pearly whiteness of a Stephens' wrist-- - Kissing and pitying--tender and humane! - "By heaven she loves me! Oh, it is too plain!" - A sigh like this thy trembling passion slips, - Dimpling the warm Madeira at thy lips! - - -V. - - Go on, Lessee! Go on, and prosper well! - Fear not, though forty glass-blowers should rebel-- - Show them how thou hast long befriended them, - And teach Dubois _their_ treason to condemn! - Go on! addressing pits in prose and worse! - Be long, be slow, be anything but terse-- - Kiss to the gallery the hand that's glov'd-- - Make Bunn the Great, and Winston the Belov'd, - Go on--and but in this reverse the thing, - Walk backward with wax lights before the King-- - Go on! Spring ever in thine eye! Go on! - Hope's favourite child! ethereal Elliston! - - - - -ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE, - -M.P. FOR GALWAY. - - -I. - - How many sing of wars, - Of Greek and Trojan jars-- - The butcheries of men! - The Muse hath a "Perpetual Ruby Pen!" - Dabbling with heroes and the blood they spill; - But no one sings the man - That, like a pelican, - Nourishes Pity with his tender _Bill_! - - -II. - - Thou Wilberforce of hacks! - Of whites as well as blacks, - Piebald and dapple gray, - Chestnut and bay-- - No poet's eulogy thy name adorns! - But oxen, from the fens, - Sheep--in their pens, - Praise thee, and red cows with their winding horns! - Thou art sung on brutal pipes! - Drovers may curse thee, - Knackers asperse thee, - And sly M.P.'s bestow their cruel wipes; - But the old horse neighs thee, - And zebras praise thee, - Asses, I mean--that have as many stripes! - - -III. - - Hast thou not taught the drover to forbear, - In Smithfield's muddy, murderous, vile environ,-- - Staying his lifted bludgeon in the air! - Bullocks don't wear - _Oxide_ of iron! - The cruel Jarvy thou hast summon'd oft, - Enforcing mercy on the coarse Yahoo, - That thought his horse the _courser_ of the two-- - Whilst Swift smiled down aloft!-- - O worthy pair! for this, when ye inhabit - Bodies of birds--(if so the spirit shifts - From flesh to feather)--when the clown uplifts - His hand against the sparrow's nest, to _grab_ it,-- - He shall not harm the MARTINS and the _Swifts_! - - -IV. - - Ah! when Dean Swift was _quick_, how he enhanc'd - The horse!--and humbled biped man like Plato! - But now he's dead, the charger is mischanc'd-- - Gone backward in the world--and not advanc'd,-- - Remember Cato! - Swift was the horse's champion--not the King's, - Whom Southey sings, - Mounted on Pegasus--would he were thrown! - He'll wear that ancient hackney to the bone, - Like a mere clothes-horse airing royal things! - Ah well-a-day! the ancients did not use - Their steeds so cruelly!--let it debar men - From wanton rowelling and whip's abuse-- - Look at the ancients' _Muse_! - Look at their _Carmen_! - - -V. - - O, Martin! how thine eye-- - That one would think had put aside its lashes,-- - That can't bear gashes - Thro' any horse's side, must ache to spy - That horrid window fronting Fetter Lane,-- - For there's a nag the crows have pick'd for victual, - Or some man painted in a bloody vein-- - Gods! is there no _Horse-spital_! - That such raw shows must sicken the humane! - Sure Mr. Whittle - Loves thee but little, - To let that poor horse linger in his _pane_! - - -VI. - - O build a Brookes's Theatre for horses! - O wipe away the national reproach-- - And find a decent Vulture for their corses! - And in thy funeral track - Four sorry steeds shall follow in each coach! - Steeds that confess "the luxury of _wo_!" - True mourning steeds, in no extempore black, - And many a wretched hack - Shall sorrow for thee,--sore with kick and blow - And bloody gash--it is the Indian knack-- - (Save that the savage is his own tormentor)-- - Banting shall weep too in his sable scarf-- - The biped woe the quadruped shall enter, - And Man and Horse go half and half, - As if their grief's met in a common _Centaur_! - - - - -ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D. - -_Author of the Cook's Oracle--Observations on Vocal Music--the Art of -Invigorating and Prolonging Life--Practical Observations on Telescopes, -Opera Glasses, and Spectacles--the Housekeeper's Ledger--and the Pleasure -of Making a Will._ - - I rule the roast, as Milton says!--CALEB QUOTEM. - - -I. - - Hail! multifarious man! - Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton! - Born to enlighten - The laws of optics, peptics, music, cooking-- - Master of the piano--and the pan-- - As busy with the kitchen as the skies! - Now looking - At some rich stew thro' Galileo's eyes, - Or boiling eggs--timed to a metronome-- - As much at home - In spectacles as in mere isinglass-- - In the art of frying brown--as a digression - On music and poetical expression,-- - Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas! - Could tell Calliope from "Calliopee!" - How few there be - Could leave the lowest for the highest stories, - (Observatories,) - And turn, like thee, Diana's calculator, - However _cook's_ synonymous with _Kater_![218] - Alas! still let me say, - How few could lay - The carving-knife beside the tuning-fork, - Like the proverbial _Jack_ ready for any work! - - -II. - - Oh, to behold thy features in thy book! - Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate, - How it would look! - With one rais'd eye watching the dial's date, - And one upon the roast, gently cast down-- - Thy chops--done nicely brown-- - The garnish'd brow--with "a few leaves of bay"-- - The hair--"done Wiggy's way!" - And still one studious finger near thy brains, - As if thou wert just come - From editing some - New soup--or hashing Dibdin's cold remains! - Or, Orpheus-like--fresh from thy dying strains - Of music--Epping luxuries of sound, - As Milton says, "in many a bout - Of linked sweetness long drawn out," - Whilst all thy tame stuff'd leopards listen'd round! - - -III. - - Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal, - Standing like Fortune,--on the jack--thy wheel. - (Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes, - Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!) - Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges, - As tho' it were the same to sing or fry-- - Nay, so it is--hear how Miss Paton's throat - Makes "fritters" of a note! - And is not reading near akin to feeding, - Or why should Oxford sausages be fit - Receptacles for wit? - Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart, - Minc'd brains into a tart? - Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts, - Book-treats, - Equally to instruct the cook and cram her-- - Receipts to be devour'd, as well as read, - The culinary art in gingerbread-- - The Kitchen's _Eaten_ Grammar! - - -IV. - - Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page-- - Ay, very pleasant in its chatty vein-- - So--in a kitchen--would have talk'd Montaigne, - That merry Gascon--humorist, and sage! - Let slender minds with single themes engage, - Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,-- - Or Lovelass upon Wills,--thou goest on - Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson! - Thy brain is like a rich kaleidoscope, - Stuff'd with a brilliant medley of odd bits, - And ever shifting on from change to change, - Saucepans--old songs--pills--spectacles--and spits! - Thy range is wider than a Rumford range! - Thy grasp a miracle!--till I recall - Th' indubitable cause of thy variety-- - Thou art, of course, th' epitome of all - That spying--frying--singing--mix'd Society - Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet - Welsh Rabbits--and thyself--in Warren Street! - - -V. - - Oh, hast thou still those conversazioni, - Where learned visitors discoursed--and fed? - There came Belzoni, - Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead-- - And gentle Poki--and that royal pair, - Of whom thou didst declare-- - "Thanks to the greatest _Cooke_ we ever read-- - They were--what _Sandwiches_ should be--half _bred_!" - There fam'd M'Adam from his manual toil - Relax'd--and freely own'd he took thy hints - On "making _broth_ with _flints_"-- - There Parry came, and show'd the polar oil - For melted butter--Coombe with his medullary - Notions about the _scullery_, - And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil-- - There witty Rogers came, that punning elf! - Who used to swear thy book - Would really look - A _Delphic_ "Oracle," if laid on _Delf_-- - There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss'd - His own--and thy own--"_Magazine_ of _Taste_"-- - There Wilberforce the Just - Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac'd - Thy sly advice to _poachers_ of black folks, - That "do not break their _yolks_,"-- - Which huff'd him home, in grave disgust and haste! - - -VI. - - There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore - Thy _patties_--thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore, - Who call'd thee _Kitchen Addison_--for why? - Thou givest rules for health and peptic pills, - Forms for made dishes, and receipts for wills, - "_Teaching us how to live and how to die!_" - There came thy cousin-cook, good Mrs. Fry-- - There Trench, the Thames projector, first brought on - His sine _Quay_ non,-- - There Martin would drop in on Monday eves, - Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath - 'Gainst cattle days and death,-- - Answer'd by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves, - Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager - For fighting on soup meagre-- - "And yet (as thou wouldst add) the French have seen - A Marshal _Tureen_!" - - -VII. - - Great was thy evening cluster!--often grac'd - With Dollond--Burgess--and Sir Humphry Davy! - 'Twas there M'Dermot first inclin'd to taste,-- - There Colburn learn'd the art of making paste - For puffs--and Accum analysed a gravy. - Colman, the cutter of Colman Street, 'tis said - Came there, and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head, - (His claim to letters)--Kater, too, the Moon's - Crony,--and Graham, lofty on balloons, - There Croly stalk'd with holy humour heated, - (Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed), - And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ, - And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons, - Madame Valbrèque thrice honour'd thee, and came - With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,-- - And even Irving spar'd a night from fame, - And talk'd--till thou didst stop him in the middle, - To serve round _Tewah-diddle_![219] - - -VIII. - - Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye! - So let them:--thou thyself art still a _Host_! - Dibdin--Cornaro--Newton--Mrs. Fry! - Mrs. Glasse--Mr. Spec!--Lovelass--and Weber, - Mathews in Quotem--Moore's fire-worshipping Gheber-- - Thrice-worthy worthy! seem by thee engross'd! - Howbeit the peptic cook still rules the roast, - Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,-- - And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion! - Thou art, sans question, - The Corporation's love--its Doctor _Darling_! - Look at the civic palate--nay, the bed - Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying - "Illustrations of _Lying!"_ - Ninety square feet of down from heel to head - It measured, and I dread - Was haunted by a terrible night _Mare_, - A monstrous burthen on the corporation!-- - Look at the bill of fare, for one day's share, - Sea-turtles by the score--oxen by droves, - Geese, turkeys, by the flock--fishes and loaves - Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation - Was making up the huge man-mountain's ration! - - -IX. - - Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven - The squatting demon from great Garratt's breast-- - (His honour seems to rest!--) - And what is thy reward?--Hath London given - Thee public thanks for thy important service? - Alas! not even - The tokens it bestow'd on Howe and Jervis!-- - Yet could I speak as orators should speak - Before the worshipful the Common Council - (Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill), - Thou shouldst not miss thy freedom, for a week, - Richly engross'd on vellum:--Reason urges - That he who rules our cookery--that he - Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be - A _Citizen_, where sauce can make a _Burgess_! - - -THE END. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 218: Captain Kater, the Moon's Surveyor.] - -[Footnote 219: The Doctor's composition for a _nightcap_.] - - - - - PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. - LONDON AND EDINBURGH - - - - -ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES - -OF STANDARD AUTHORS, - -Without Abridgment, Crown 8vo, 2s. each, in cloth. - - - 1 The Wide, Wide World, by Miss Wetherell. - - 2 Melbourne House, by Miss Wetherell. - - 3 The Lamplighter, by Miss Cummins. - - 4 Stepping Heavenward, and Aunt Jane's Hero, by E. 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Knight, large type edition, with full-page - illustrations, vol. 1. - 94 ---- vol. 2. 95 ---- vol. 3. - 96 The Spectator, large type ed., vol. 1. - 97 ---- vol. 2. 98 ---- vol. 3. - 99 R. W. Emerson's Complete Works. - 100 Boswell's Life of Johnson and Tour to the Hebrides, vol. 1. - 101 ---- vol. 2. 102 ---- vol. 3. - 103 S. Knowles' Dramatic Works. - 104 Roscoe's (W.) Lorenzo de Medici. - 105 ---- (W.) Life of Leo X., vol. 1. - 106 ---- vol. 2. - 107 Berington's Literary History of the Middle Ages. - - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - | | - | Transcriber Notes: | - | | - | P.5: 'INTRODUTION' changed to 'INTRODUCTION'. | - | P.83. 'beesech' changed to 'beseech'. | - | P.103. 'quetions' changed to 'questions'. | - | P.111. 'Futnre' changed to 'future'. | - | P.145. 'acqaintance' changed to 'acquaintance'. | - | P.187. 'Queeen' changed to 'Queen'. | - | P.188. '-cophronio' changed to '-cophornio | - | P.281. 'surpise' changed to 'surprise'. | - | Fixed various punctuation. | - | The equals sign is used to surround =bold text=; | - | underscores to surround _italic text_. | - | | - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - -***** This file should be named 53606-8.txt or 53606-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/6/0/53606/ - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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- text-indent: -3em; -} - -div.bigbrace { - float: right; - font-size:420%; - font-weight: lighter; - margin-left: 1em; - line-height: 0.75em; - text-indent:0; -} - -span.smallbrace { - display: none; -} - -@media handheld { - span.smallbrace { display: inline;} - div.bigbrace {display: none;} -} - -/* Transcriber's notes */ -.transnote {background-color: #E6E6FA; - color: black; - font-size:smaller; - padding: 1.5em; - margin-right: 5%; - margin-left: 5%; - font-family:sans-serif, serif; -} - </style> - </head> -<body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Burlesque Plays and Poems - -Author: Henry Morley - Geoffrey Chaucer - George Villiers - John Philips - Henry Fielding - -Release Date: November 26, 2016 [EBook #53606] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - - - - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - -</pre> - - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/coverpage.jpg" width="457" height="700" alt="" /> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="transnote"> -<p class="p1b">Note:</p> - -<p class="center">Table of Contents added by Transcriber.</p> -</div> - -<p> - -<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> - - -<a href="#THE_RIME_OF_SIR_THOPAS">THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_KNIGHT">THE KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_REHEARSAL">THE_REHEARSAL</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_SPLENDID_SHILLING">THE_SPLENDID_SHILLING</a><br /> -<a href="#TWO_ODES">TWO ODES</a><br /> -<a href="#NAMBY_PAMBY">NAMBY PAMBY</a><br /> -<a href="#A_WORD_UPON_PUDDING">A WORD UPON PUDDING.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_TRAGEDY_OF_TRAGEDIES_OR_THE_LIFE">THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF TOM THUMB THE GREAT</a><br /> -<a href="#CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS">CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_ROVERS">THE ROVERS</a><br /> -<a href="#Bombastes_Furioso">BOMBASTES FURIOSO.</a><br /> -<a href="#Rejected_Addresses">REJECTED ADDRESSES.</a><br /> -<a href="#LOYAL_EFFUSION">LOYAL EFFUSION.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_BABYS_DEBUT">THE BABY'S DEBUT.</a><br /> -<a href="#AN_ADDRESS_WITHOUT_A_PHOENIX">AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHOENIX.</a><br /> -<a href="#CUI_BONO">CUI BONO?</a><br /> -<a href="#To_the_Secretary_of_the_Managing_Committee_of_Drury_Lane">TO THE SECRETARY OF THE MANAGING COMMITTEE OF DRURY LANE PLAYHOUSE.</a><br /> -<a href="#IN_THE_CHARACTER_OF_A_HAMPSHIRE">IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE FARMER.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_LIVING_LUSTRES">THE LIVING LUSTRES.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_REBUILDING">THE REBUILDING.</a><br /> -<a href="#DRURYS_DIRGE">DRURY'S DIRGE.</a><br /> -<a href="#A_TALE_OF_DRURY_LANE">A TALE OF DRURY LANE.</a><br /> -<a href="#JOHNSONS_GHOST">JOHNSON'S GHOST.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_BEAUTIFUL_INCENDIARY">THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY.</a><br /> -<a href="#FIRE_AND_ALE">FIRE AND ALE.</a><br /> -<a href="#PLAYHOUSE_MUSINGS">PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS.</a><br /> -<a href="#DRURY_LANE_HUSTINGS">DRURY LANE HUSTINGS.</a><br /> -<a href="#ARCHITECTURAL_ATOMS">ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS.</a><br /> -<a href="#THEATRICAL_ALARM_BELL">THEATRICAL ALARM BELL.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_THEATRE">THE THEATRE.</a><br /> -<a href="#THE_THEATRE">THE THEATRE.</a><br /> -<a href="#To_the_Managing_Committee_of_the_New_Drury_Lane">TO THE MANAGING COMMITTEE OF THE NEW DRURY LANE THEATRE.</a><br /> -<a href="#Case_No_I">CASE NO. I.</a><br /> -<a href="#Case_No_II">CASE NO. II.</a><br /> -<a href="#Case_No_III">CASE NO. III.</a><br /> -<a href="#PUNCHS_APOTHEOSIS">PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS.</a><br /> -<a href="#Odes_and_Addresses_to">ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE.</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_MR_GRAHAM">ODE TO MR. GRAHAM.</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_MR_MADAM">ODE TO MR. M'ADAM.</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_THE_GREAT_UNKNOWN">ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</a><br /> -<a href="#TO_SYLVANUS_URBAN_ESQUIRE">TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE,</a><br /> -<a href="#AN_ADDRESS_TO_THE_STEAM_WASHING">AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY.</a><br /> -<a href="#LETTER_OF_REMONSTRANCE">LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_R_W_ELLISTON_ESQUIRE">ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE,</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_RICHARD_MARTIN_ESQUIRE">ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE,</a><br /> -<a href="#ODE_TO_W_KITCHENER_MD">ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D.</a><br /> -<a href="#ROUTLEDGES_EXCELSIOR_SERIES">ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES</a></p> - -<!-- End Autogenerated TOC. --> - -<div class="bord1"> - -<p class="p5">Fifteen Volumes in an Oak Bookcase.</p> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i_001.jpg" width="400" height="273" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="p3">Price One Guinea.</p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="center">"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."—<cite>Daily Telegraph.</cite></p> - -<hr class="short" /> - - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i_001a.jpg" width="400" height="100" alt="" /> -</div> - -<p class="p3">In Monthly Volumes, ONE SHILLING Each.</p> - -<p class="p3a"><em>READY ON THE 25th OF EACH MONTH.</em></p> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="figcenter"> -<img src="images/i_002.jpg" width="250" height="248" alt="MORLEYS UNIVERSAL LIBRARY" /> -</div> - -<p class="p6">Ballantyne Press</p> - -<p class="p2a">BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGH<br /> -CHANDOS STREET, LONDON</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h1><a name="BURLESQUE" id="BURLESQUE"></a>BURLESQUE -PLAYS AND POEMS</h1> - - -<div class="center"> -<table border="0" cellpadding="4" cellspacing="0" summary="BURLESQUE"> -<tr> - <td class="tdl">CHAUCER'S</td> - <td class="tdl">HENRY CAREY'S</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl"> <em>RIME OF THOPAS</em>.</td> - <td class="tdla"><em>NAMBY PAMBY</em> <span class="smcap">and</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl"> </td> - <td class="tdla"><em>CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS</em>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl">BEAUMONT & FLETCHER'S</td> - <td class="tdl"> </td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdla"><em>KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE</em>.</td> - <td class="tdl">CANNING, FRERE & ELLIS'S</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl"> </td> - <td class="tdla"><em>ROVERS</em>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl">GEORGE VILLIERS, <span class="smcap">Duke of Buckingham's </span></td> - <td class="tdl"> </td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdla"><em>REHEARSAL</em>.</td> - <td class="tdl">W. B. RHODES'S</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl"> </td> - <td class="tdla"><em>BOMBASTES FURIOSO</em>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl">JOHN PHILIPS'S</td> - <td class="tdl">HORACE & JAMES SMITH'S</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdla"><em>SPLENDID SHILLING</em>.</td> - <td class="tdlb"><em>REJECTED ADDRESSES</em>.</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl"> </td> -<td class="tdld"><span class="smcap p5b">and some of</span></td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdl">FIELDING'S</td> - <td class="tdl">THOMAS HOOD'S</td> -</tr> -<tr> - <td class="tdla"><em>TOM THUMB THE GREAT</em>.</td> - <td class="tdla"><em>ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE</em>.</td> -</tr> -</table></div> - - -<p class="p2a"><em>WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY</em></p> - -<p class="p2">LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT<br /> -UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, LONDON</p> - -<p class="p2a">LONDON</p> - -<p class="p4">GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS</p> - -<p class="p2a">BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL<br /> -NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE<br /> -1885</p> - -<div class="bord1"> -<p class="p4">MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY.</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="center"><b>VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED.</b></p> - -<p><em>SHERIDAN'S PLAYS.</em><br /> -<em>PLAYS FROM MOLIÈRE.</em> By English Dramatists.<br /> -<em>MARLOWE'S FAUSTUS & GOETHE'S FAUST.</em><br /> -<em>CHRONICLE OF THE CID.</em><br /> -<em>RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL.</em><br /> -<em>THE PRINCE.</em> By <span class="smcap">Machiavelli</span>.<br /> -<em>BACON'S ESSAYS.</em><br /> -<em>DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR.</em><br /> -<em>LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT & FILMER'S "PATRIARCHA."</em><br /> -<em>SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGY and WITCHCRAFT.</em><br /> -<em>DRYDEN'S VIRGIL.</em><br /> -<em>BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION.</em><br /> -<em>HERRICK'S HESPERIDES.</em><br /> -<em>COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK.</em><br /> -<em>BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON.</em><br /> -<em>STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY.</em><br /> -<em>CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD.</em><br /> -<em>MEDIÆVAL TALES.</em><br /> -<em>VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE & JOHNSON'S RASSELAS.</em><br /> -<em>PLAYS and POEMS by BEN JONSON.</em><br /> -<em>LEVIATHAN.</em> By <span class="smcap">Thomas Hobbes</span>.<br /> -<em>HUDIBRAS.</em> By <span class="smcap">Samuel Butler</span>.<br /> -<em>IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS.</em><br /> -<em>CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY.</em><br /> -<em>DON QUIXOTE.</em> <span class="smcap">In Two Volumes</span>.<br /> -<em>BURLESQUE PLAYS and POEMS.</em></p> - -<p class="center">"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."<br /> -<span class="mleft1e"><em>Daily Telegraph.</em></span></p> -</div> - - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_5" id="Page_5">[Pg 5]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="INTRODUCTION" id="INTRODUCTION"></a>INTRODUCTION.</h2> - - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p>The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian -"burlesco"; "burla" being mockery or raillery, and implying always an -object. Burlesque must, <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">burlarsi di uno</i>, mock at somebody or something, -and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. One -etymologist associates the word with the old English "bourd," a jest; the -Gaelic "burd," he says, means mockery, and "buirleadh," is language of -ridicule. Yes, and "burrail" is the loud romping of children, and "burrall" -is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another etymologist -takes the Italian "burla," waggery or banter, as diminutive from the Latin -"burra," which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius in the sense -of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, but, like -Launce's sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit.</p> - -<p>The first burlesque in this volume—Chaucer's "Rime of Sir Thopas," -written towards the close of the fourteenth century—is a jest upon long-winded -story-tellers, who expatiate on insignificant detail; for in his day there were -many metrical romances written by the ancestors of Mrs. Nickleby. -Riding to Canterbury with the other pilgrims, Chaucer good-humouredly -takes to himself the part of the companion who jogs along with even flow -of words, luxuriating in all trivial detail until he brings Sir Thopas face to -face with an adventure, for he meets a giant with three heads. But even -then there is the adventure to be waited for. The story-teller finds that he -must trot his knight back home to fetch his armour, and when he "is comen -again to toune," it takes so many words to get him his supper, get his -armour on, and trot him out again, that the inevitable end comes, with -rude intrusion of some faint-hearted lording who has not courage to listen -until the point of the story can be descried from afar. So the best of the -old story-tellers, in a book full of examples of tales told as they should be, -burlesqued misuse of his art, and the "Rime of Sir Thopas" became a -warning buoy over the shallows. "I cannot," said Sir Thomas Wyatt, in -Henry VIII.'s reign,</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><span class="mleft8">"say that Pan</span></div> - <div class="i0">Passeth Apollo in music manyfold;</div> - <div class="i1">Praisé Sir Thopas for a noble tale,</div> - <div class="i0">And scorn the story that the Knighté told."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The second burlesque in this volume, Beaumont and Fletcher's "Knight -of the Burning Pestle," written in eight days, appeared in 1611, six years -after the publication of the First Part, and four years earlier than the Second -Part, of Don Quixote. The first English translation of Don Quixote -(Shelton's) appeared in 1612. The Knight of the Burning Pestle is, like -Don Quixote, a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the tales of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_6" id="Page_6">[Pg 6]</a></span> -chivalry. Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher worked together as playwrights -in the reign of James I. All their plays were produced during that -reign. Beaumont died in the same year as Shakespeare, having written -thirteen plays in fellowship with Fletcher. Forty more were written by -Fletcher alone, but the name of Beaumont is, by tradition of a loving fellowship, -associated with them all. "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" -is all the merrier for being the work of men who were themselves true -poets. It should be remembered that this play was written for a theatre without -scenery, in which gentlemen were allowed to hire stools on the stage -itself for a nearer view of the actors; and it is among this select part of the -audience that the citizen intrudes and the citizen's wife is lifted up, when -she cries, "Husband, shall I come up, husband?" "Ay, cony; Ralph, -help your mistress up this way; pray, gentlemen, make her a little room; -I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife.... Boy, let my -wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin."</p> - -<p>The next burlesque in our collection is "The Rehearsal," which was -produced in 1671 to ridicule the extravagance of the "heroic" plays of -the Restoration. The founder of this school in England was Sir William -Davenant who was living and was Poet Laureate—and wearer of the bays, -therefore, was Bayes—when the jest was begun by George Villiers, Duke -of Buckingham, and other wits of the day. The jest was so long in hand -that, in 1668, when Davenant died, and Dryden succeeded him as Laureate, -the character of Bayes passed on to him. The plaster on the nose pointed -at Davenant, who had lost great part of his nose. The manner of speaking, -and the "hum and buzz," pointed at Dryden, who was also in 1671 the -great master of what was called heroic drama. Bold rhodomontade was, -on the stage, preferred to good sense at a time when the new French -criticism was enforcing above all things "good sense" upon poets, as a -reaction against the strained ingenuities that had come in under Italian -influence. Let us leave to Italy her paste brilliants, said Boileau, in his -<cite>Art Poétique</cite>, produced at the same time as "The Rehearsal," all should -tend to good sense. But Dryden in his plays (not in his other poems) -boldly translated Horace's <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">serbit humi tutus</i>, into</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"He who servilely creeps after sense</div> - <div class="i0">Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The particular excellence attained by flying out of sight of sense is -burlesqued in the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal."</p> - -<p>John Philips, the delicate and gentle son of a vicar of Bampton, read -Milton with delight from his boyhood and knew Virgil almost by heart. -At college he wrote, for the edification of a comrade who did not know -how to keep a shilling in his pocket, "The Splendid Shilling," a poem first -published in 1705—which set forth, in Miltonic style applied to humblest -images, the comfort of possessing such a coin. The Miltonic grandeur of -tone John Philips happily caught from a long and loving study of the -English poet whom he reverenced above others, and "The Splendid -Shilling" has a special charm as a burlesque in which nobody is ridiculed.</p> - -<p>The burlesque poem called "Namby Pamby," of which the title has -been added to the English vocabulary, was written by Henry Carey, in -ridicule of the little rhymes inscribed to certain babies of distinguished -persons by Ambrose Philips, or, as he is translated into nursery language, -"Namby Pamby Pilli-pis." Ambrose Philips was a friend and companion of<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_7" id="Page_7">[Pg 7]</a></span> -Addison's, and a gentleman who prospered fairly in Whig government -circles. Pope's annoyance at the praise given to Ambrose Philips's -pastorals which appeared in the same Miscellany with his own, and -Addison's praise in the <cite>Spectator</cite> of his friend's translation of Racine's -Andromache as "The Distrest Mother," have caused Ambrose Philips to be -better remembered in the history of literature than might otherwise have -been necessary. When he wrote no longer of</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6">"Mammy</div> - <div class="i0">Andromache and her lammy</div> - <div class="i0">Hanging panging at the breast</div> - <div class="i0">Of a matron most distrest."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>and took to nursery lyrics, he gave Henry Carey an opportunity of putting -a last touch to his monument for the instruction of posterity. The two -specimens here given of the original poems that suggested "Namby -Pamby" are addressed severally to two babes in the nursery of Daniel -Pulteney, Esq. Another of the babies who inspired him was an infant -Carteret, whose name Carey translated into "Tartaretta Tartaree." Some -lines here and there, seven in all, which are not the wittier for being -coarse, have been left out of "Namby Pamby." This burlesque was first -published in 1725 or 1726; my copy is of the fifth edition, dated 1726, and -was appended to "A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling; its Dignity, -Antiquity, and Excellence, with a Word upon Pudding, and many other -Useful Discoveries of great Benefit to the Publick. To which is added, -Namby Pamby, A Panegyric on the new Versification address'd to -A—— P——, Esq."</p> - -<p>Henry Fielding produced his "Tom Thumb" in 1730, and added the notes -of Scriblerus Secundus in 1731, following the example set by the Dunciad -as published in April 1729, with the "Prolegomena of Scriblerus and -Notes Variorum." Paul Whitehead added notes of a Scriblerus Tertius to -his "Gymnasiad" in 1744. Fielding was twenty-four years old when he -added to his "Tom Thumb" the notes that transmit to us lively examples -of the stilted language of the stage by which, as a gentleman's son left to -his own resources, he was then endeavouring to live. This was four years -before his marriage, and ten years before he revealed his transcendent -powers as a novelist.</p> - -<p>Henry Carey's "Chrononhotonthologos," three years later, in 1734, -carried on the war against pretentious dulness on the stage. The manner -of the great actors was, like the plays of their generation, pompous and -rhetorical, full of measured sound and fury signifying nothing. Garrick, -who made his first appearance as an actor in 1741, put an end to this. -"If the young fellow is right," said Quin, "We are all in the wrong;" -little suspecting that they really were all in the wrong. Henry Carey, a -musician by profession, played in the orchestra and also supplied the stage -with ballad and burlesque farces and operas. But also he wrote "Namby -Pamby." It was said of him that "he led a life free from reproach, and -hanged himself October 4th, 1743."</p> - -<p>"The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement," was a contribution to -"The Anti-Jacobin," by George Canning, and his friends George Ellis and -John Hookham Frere. Canning had established "The Anti-Jacobin," of -which the first number was published on the 20th of November, 1797. Its -poetry, generally levelled through witty burlesque at the false sentiment<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_8" id="Page_8">[Pg 8]</a></span> -of the day, was collected in 1801 into a handsome quarto. This includes -"The Rovers," which is a lively caricature of the sentimental German -drama. Goethe's "Stella," as read in the translation used by the caricaturists, -is not less comical than the caricature. I have a copy of the -"Poetry of the Anti-Jacobin," in which one of the original writers has, for -the friend to whom he gave the book, marked with his pen and ink details -of authorship. From this it appears that the description of the <em>dramatis -personæ</em> in "The Rovers" was by Frere, the Prologue by Canning and -Ellis, the opening scene by Frere as far as Rogero's famous song, which -was by Canning and Ellis. All that follows to the beginning of the fourth -act was by Canning, except that Frere wrote the scene in the second act -on the delivery of a newspaper to Beefington and Puddingfield. The -fourth act and the final stage directions were by Frere, except the Recitative -and Chorus of Conspirators. These were by George Ellis.</p> - -<p>"Bombastes Furioso," first produced in 1810, was by William Barnes -Rhodes, who had published a translation of Juvenal in 1801 and "Epigrams" -in 1803. He formed a considerable dramatic library, of which -there was a catalogue printed in 1825.</p> - -<p>Next comes in this collection the series of burlesques of the styles of -poets famous and popular in 1812, published in that year as "Rejected -Addresses," by Horace and James Smith. Of these brothers, sons of an -attorney, one was an attorney, the other a stockbroker, one aged thirty-seven, -the other thirty-three, when the book appeared which made them famous, -and of which the first edition is reprinted in this volume. The book went -through twenty-four editions. James Smith wrote no more, but Horace to -the last amused himself with literature. "Is it not odd," Leigh Hunt -wrote of him to Shelley, "that the only truly generous person I ever -knew, who had money to be generous with, was a stockbroker! And -he writes poetry too; he writes poetry, and pastoral dramas, and yet -knows how to make money, and does make it, and is still generous." The -Fitzgerald who is subject of the first burlesque used to recite his laudatory -poems at the annual dinners of the Literary Fund, and is the same who was -referred to in the opening lines of Byron's "English Bards and Scotch -Reviewers:"</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Still must I hear?—shall hoarse Fitzgerald bawl</div> - <div class="i0">His creaking couplets in a tavern hall,</div> - <div class="i0">And I not sing."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This Miscellany closes with some of the "Odes and Addresses to Great -People," with which Thomas Hood, at the age of twenty-six, first made -his mark as a wit. The little book from which these pieces are taken was -the joint work of himself and John Hamilton Reynolds, whose sister he -had married. It marks the rise of the pun in burlesque writing through -Thomas Hood, who, when dying of consumption, suggested for his -epitaph, "Here lies one who spat more blood and made more puns than -any other man."</p> - -<p class="right"><b>H. M.</b></p> - -<p><em>June, 1885.</em></p> - -<hr class="chapter" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_9" id="Page_9">[Pg 9]</a></span></p> - - - - -<p class="p3b">Burlesque Plays and Poems.</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - - -<h2><a name="THE_RIME_OF_SIR_THOPAS" id="THE_RIME_OF_SIR_THOPAS"></a><span class="smcap">The Rime of Sir Thopas.</span></h2> - -<p class="p1a">PROLOGUE TO SIR THOPAS.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">When said was this mirácle, every man</div> - <div class="i0">As sober was, that wonder was to see,</div> - <div class="i0">Till that our host to japen he began,</div> - <div class="i0">And then at erst he lookéd upon me,</div> - <div class="i0">And saidé thus: "What man art thou?" quod he.</div> - <div class="i0">Thou lookest, as thou wouldest find an hare,</div> - <div class="i0">For ever upon the ground I see thee stare.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">"Approché near, and look up merrily.</div> - <div class="i0">Now ware you, sirs, and let this man have place.</div> - <div class="i0">He in the waist is shapen as well as I:</div> - <div class="i0">This were a popet in an arm to embrace</div> - <div class="i0">For any woman, small and fair of face.</div> - <div class="i0">He seemeth elvish by his countenance,</div> - <div class="i0">For unto no wight doth he dalliance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">"Say now somewhat, sin other folk han said;</div> - <div class="i0">Tell us a tale of mirth, and that anon."</div> - <div class="i0">"Hosté," quod I, "ne be not evil apaid,</div> - <div class="i0">For other talé certes, can I none,</div> - <div class="i0">But of a Rime I learnéd yore agone."</div> - <div class="i0">"Yea, that is good," quod he, "we shullen hear</div> - <div class="i0">Some dainty thing, me thinketh by thy cheere."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_10" id="Page_10">[Pg 10]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2>THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS.</h2> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Listeneth, lordings, in good entent,</div> - <div class="i0">And I wol tell you <em>verament</em></div> - <div class="i1">Of mirth and of solás,</div> - <div class="i0">All of a knight was fair and gent</div> - <div class="i0">In battle and in tournamént,</div> - <div class="i1">His name was Sir Thopás.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Yborn he was in far countree,</div> - <div class="i0">In Flanders, all beyond the sea,</div> - <div class="i1">At Popering in the place,</div> - <div class="i0">His father was a man full free,</div> - <div class="i0">And lord he was of that countree,</div> - <div class="i1">As it was Goddés grace.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir Thopas was a doughty swain,</div> - <div class="i0">White was his face as paindemaine</div> - <div class="i1">His lippés red as rose.</div> - <div class="i0">His rudde is like scarlét in grain,</div> - <div class="i0">And I you tell in good certain</div> - <div class="i1">He had a seemly nose.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His hair, his beard, was like saffroun,</div> - <div class="i0">That to his girdle raught adown,</div> - <div class="i1">His shoon of cordewaine;</div> - <div class="i0">Of Bruges were his hosen brown;</div> - <div class="i0">His robé was of ciclatoun,</div> - <div class="i1">That costé many a jane.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He could hunt at the wildé dere,</div> - <div class="i0">And ride on hawking for the rivere</div> - <div class="i1">With grey goshawk on hand:</div> - <div class="i0">Thereto he was a good archere,</div> - <div class="i0">Of wrestling was there none his peer,</div> - <div class="i1">Where any ram should stand.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Full many a maiden bright in bower</div> - <div class="i0">They mournéd for him <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">par amour</i>,</div> - <div class="i1">When them were bet to slepe;</div> - <div class="i0">But he was chaste and no lechóur,</div> - <div class="i0">And sweet as is the bramble flower,</div> - <div class="i1">That beareth the red hepe.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_11" id="Page_11">[Pg 11]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And so it fell upon a day,</div> - <div class="i0">Forsooth, as I you tellen may,</div> - <div class="i1">Sir Thopas would out ride;</div> - <div class="i0">He worth upon his stedé gray,</div> - <div class="i0">And in his hand a launcegay,</div> - <div class="i1">A long sword by his side.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He pricketh through a fair forést,</div> - <div class="i0">Therein is many a wildé beast,</div> - <div class="i1">Yea bothé buck and hare,</div> - <div class="i0">And as he prickéd North and Est,</div> - <div class="i0">I tell it you, him had almest</div> - <div class="i1">Betid a sorry care.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There springen herbés great and smale,</div> - <div class="i0">The liquorice and the setewale,</div> - <div class="i1">And many a clove gilofre,</div> - <div class="i0">And nutémeg to put in ale,</div> - <div class="i0">Whether it be moist or stale,</div> - <div class="i1">Or for to lain in cofre.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The birdés singen, it is no nay,</div> - <div class="i0">The sparhawk and the popingay,</div> - <div class="i1">That joy it was to hear,</div> - <div class="i0">The throstel cock made eke his lay,</div> - <div class="i0">The wodé dove upon the spray</div> - <div class="i1">He sang full loud and clear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir Thopas fell in love-longíng</div> - <div class="i0">All when he heard the throstel sing,</div> - <div class="i1">And pricked as he were wood;</div> - <div class="i0">His fairé steed in his prícking</div> - <div class="i0">So swatté, that men might him wring,</div> - <div class="i1">His sidés were all blood.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir Thopas eke so weary was</div> - <div class="i0">For pricking on the softé gras,</div> - <div class="i1">So fierce was his couráge,</div> - <div class="i0">That down he laid him in that place</div> - <div class="i0">To maken his stedé som solace,</div> - <div class="i1">And gave him good foráge.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Ah, Seinte Mary, <em>benedicite</em>,</div> - <div class="i0">What aileth this love at me</div> - <div class="i1">To bindé me so sore?</div> - <div class="i0">Me dreaméd all this night pardé,</div> - <div class="i0">An elf-queen shal my leman be,</div> - <div class="i1">And sleep under my gore.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_12" id="Page_12">[Pg 12]</a></span> - <div class="i0">An elf-queen will I love ywis,</div> - <div class="i0">For in this world no wóman is</div> - <div class="i1">Worthy to be my make</div> - <div class="i4">In town,—</div> - <div class="i0">All other women I forsake,</div> - <div class="i0">And to an elf-queen I me take</div> - <div class="i1">By dale and eke by down.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Into his saddle he clomb anon,</div> - <div class="i0">And prickéd over stile and stone</div> - <div class="i1">An elf-queen for to espie,</div> - <div class="i0">Till he so long had ridden and gone,</div> - <div class="i0">That he found in a privee wone</div> - <div class="i1">The contree of Faerié.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Wherein he soughté North and South,</div> - <div class="i0">And oft he spiéd with his mouth</div> - <div class="i1">In many a forest wild,</div> - <div class="i0">For in that contree n'as ther non,</div> - <div class="i0">That to him durst ride or gon,</div> - <div class="i1">Neither wife ne child.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Till that there came a great geaunt,</div> - <div class="i0">His namé was Sir Oliphaunt,</div> - <div class="i1">A perilous man of deed,</div> - <div class="i0">He saidé, Childe by Termagaunt,</div> - <div class="i0">But if thou prick out of mine haunt,</div> - <div class="i1">Anon I slay thy stede</div> - <div class="i4">With mace.</div> - <div class="i0">Here is the Queen of Faerie,</div> - <div class="i0">With harp, and pipe, and symphonie,</div> - <div class="i1">Dwelling in this place.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The Childe said, All so mote I thee,</div> - <div class="i0">To morrow wol I meten thee,</div> - <div class="i1">When I have min armóur,</div> - <div class="i0">And yet I hopé <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">par ma fay</i>,</div> - <div class="i0">That thou shalt with this launcegay</div> - <div class="i1">Abien it full soure;</div> - <div class="i4">Thy mawe</div> - <div class="i0">Shal I perce, if I may,</div> - <div class="i0">Or it be fully prime of the day,</div> - <div class="i1">For here thou shalt be slawe.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sir Thopas drew aback full fast;</div> - <div class="i0">This geaunt at him stonés cast</div> - <div class="i1">Out of a fell staff sling:</div> - <div class="i0">But faire escapéd Childe Thopás,</div> - <div class="i0">And all it was through Goddes grace,</div> - <div class="i1">And through his fair bearíng.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_13" id="Page_13">[Pg 13]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Yet listeneth, lordings, to my tale,</div> - <div class="i0">Merrier than the nightingale,</div> - <div class="i1">For now I will you roune,</div> - <div class="i0">How Sir Thopás with sidés smale,</div> - <div class="i0">Pricking over hill and dale,</div> - <div class="i1">Is comen again to toune.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His merry men commandeth he,</div> - <div class="i0">To maken him bothe game and glee,</div> - <div class="i1">For needés must he fight,</div> - <div class="i0">With a geaunt with heades three,</div> - <div class="i0">For paramour and jolitee</div> - <div class="i1">Of one that shone full bright.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Do come, he said, my minestrales</div> - <div class="i0">And gestours for to tellen tales</div> - <div class="i1">Anon in mine armíng,</div> - <div class="i0">Of romauncés that ben reáles,</div> - <div class="i0">Of popés and of cardináles,</div> - <div class="i1">And eke of love-longíng.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">They fet him first the sweté wine,</div> - <div class="i0">And mead eke in a maseline,</div> - <div class="i1">And regal spicerie,</div> - <div class="i0">Of ginger-bread that was full fine,</div> - <div class="i0">And liquorice and eke cummine,</div> - <div class="i1">With sugar that is trie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He diddé next his whité lere</div> - <div class="i0">Of cloth of laké fine and clere</div> - <div class="i1">A breche and eke a sherte,</div> - <div class="i0">And next his shert an haketon,</div> - <div class="i0">And over that an habergeon,</div> - <div class="i1">For piercing of his herte.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And over that a fine hauberk,</div> - <div class="i0">Was all ywrought of Jewes werk,</div> - <div class="i1">Full strong it was of plate,</div> - <div class="i0">And over that his cote-armoure,</div> - <div class="i0">As white as is the lily floure,</div> - <div class="i1">In which he would debate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His shield was all of gold so red,</div> - <div class="i0">And therein was a boarés hed,</div> - <div class="i1">A carbuncle beside;</div> - <div class="i0">And there he swore on ale and bread</div> - <div class="i0">How that the geaunt shuld be dead,</div> - <div class="i1">Betide what so betide.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_14" id="Page_14">[Pg 14]</a></span> - <div class="i0">His jambeux were of cuirbouly,</div> - <div class="i0">His swordés sheth of ivory,</div> - <div class="i1">His helm of latoun bright,</div> - <div class="i0">His saddle was of rewel bone,</div> - <div class="i0">His bridle as the sonné shone,</div> - <div class="i1">Or as the moné light.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His speré was of fin cypréss,</div> - <div class="i0">That bodeth war, and nothing peace,</div> - <div class="i1">The head full sharp yground.</div> - <div class="i0">His stedé was all dapple gray,</div> - <div class="i0">It goeth an amble in the way</div> - <div class="i1">Full softély and round</div> - <div class="i4">In londe—</div> - <div class="i0">Lo, Lordes mine, here is a fytte;</div> - <div class="i0">If ye wol ony more of it,</div> - <div class="i1">To tell it wol I fond.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now hold your mouth <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">pour charité</i>,</div> - <div class="i0">Bothé knight and lady free,</div> - <div class="i1">And herkeneth to my spell,</div> - <div class="i0">Of bataille and of chivalrie,</div> - <div class="i0">Of ladies love and druerie,</div> - <div class="i1">Anon I wol you tell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Men speken of romauncés of pris,</div> - <div class="i0">Of Hornchild, and of Ipotis,</div> - <div class="i1">Of Bevis, and Sir Guy,</div> - <div class="i0">Of Sir Libeux, and Pleindamour,</div> - <div class="i0">But Sir Thopás, he bears the flour</div> - <div class="i1">Of reál chivalrie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His goodé steed he all bestrode,</div> - <div class="i0">And forth upon his way he glode,</div> - <div class="i1">As sparkle out of brond;</div> - <div class="i0">Upon his crest he bare a tower,</div> - <div class="i0">And therein sticked a lily flower,</div> - <div class="i1">God shield his corps fro shond.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And for he was a knight auntrous,</div> - <div class="i0">He n'olde slepen in none house,</div> - <div class="i1">But liggen in his hood,</div> - <div class="i0">His brighté helm was his wangér,</div> - <div class="i0">And by him baited his destrér</div> - <div class="i1">Of herbés fine and good.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Himself drank water of the well,</div> - <div class="i0">As did the knight Sir Percivell</div> - <div class="i1">So worthy under weede,</div> - <div class="i0">Till on a day —— ——</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_15" id="Page_15">[Pg 15]</a></span> - <div class="i0">"No more of this for Goddés dignitee,"</div> - <div class="i0">Quod ouré hosté, "for thou makest me</div> - <div class="i0">So weary of thy veray lewédnesse,</div> - <div class="i0">That all so wisly God my soulé blesse,</div> - <div class="i0">Min erés aken of thy drafty speche.</div> - <div class="i0">Now swiche a rime the devil I beteche;</div> - <div class="i0">This may wel be rime dogérel," quod he.</div> - <div class="i1">"Why so?" quod I, "why wolt thou letten me</div> - <div class="i0">More of my talé than an other man,</div> - <div class="i0">Sin that it is the besté rime I can?"</div> - <div class="i0">"Thou dost nought ellés but dispendest time.</div> - <div class="i0">Sir, at one word, thou shalt no longer rime."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_16" id="Page_16"></a></span></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_17" id="Page_17">[Pg 17]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE_KNIGHT" id="THE_KNIGHT"></a><span class="small">THE</span><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Knight of the Burning Pestle</span>.</h2> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="p1a">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<ul class="index"> -<li class="frst"><span class="smcap">The Prologue.</span></li> -<li><em>Then a Citizen.</em></li> -<li><em>The Citizen's Wife, and</em> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>, <em>her man, sitting below amidst the spectators.</em></li> -<li><em>A rich Merchant.</em></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Jasper</span>, <em>his apprentice.</em></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Master Humphrey</span>, <em>a friend to the Merchant.</em></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Luce</span>, <em>the Merchant's daughter.</em></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought, Jasper's</span> <em>mother.</em></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Michael</span>, <em>a second son of</em> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Old Mr. Merry-thought</span>.</li> -<li><em>A Squire.</em></li> -<li><em>A Dwarf.</em></li> -<li><em>A Tapster.</em></li> -<li><em>A Boy that danceth and singeth.</em></li> -<li><em>An Host.</em></li> -<li><em>A Barber.</em></li> -<li><em>Two Knights.</em></li> -<li><em>A Captain.</em></li> -<li><em>A Sergeant.</em></li> -<li><em>Soldiers.</em></li> -</ul> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prologue</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">From all that's near the court, from all that's great</div> - <div class="i0">Within the compass of the city walls,</div> - <div class="i0">We now have brought our scene.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Citizen</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Hold your peace, good-man boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> What do you mean, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> That you have no good meaning: these seven years -there hath been plays at this house, I have observed it, you -have still girds at citizens; and now you call your play "The -London Merchant." Down with your title, boy, down with your -title.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> Are you a member of the noble city?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I am.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> And a freeman?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yea, and a grocer.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no -abuse to the city.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_18" id="Page_18">[Pg 18]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the -jacks, what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse -your betters? Why could not you be contented, as well as -others, with the legend of Whittington, or the Life and Death -of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the building of the Royal -Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the rearing of -London Bridge upon woolsacks?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> You seem to be an understanding man; what would -you have us do, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why, present something notably in honour of the -commons of the city.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat -Drake, or the repairing of Fleet privies?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall -be of my own trade.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, -our play is ready to begin now.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall -do admirable things.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> What will you have him do?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Marry I will have him——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Husband, husband! <span class="stageright">[<span class="smcap">Wife</span> <i>below.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Peace, mistress. <span class="stageright">[<span class="smcap">Ralph</span> <i>below.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant -ye. Husband, husband!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What sayest thou, cony?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill -a lion with a pestle.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Husband, shall I come up, husband?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, -gentlemen, make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your -hand to help up my wife; I thank you, sir, so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, -I'm a stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as -they say, before; but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and -my husband hath promised me anytime this twelvemonth, to -carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in truth he did not; I -pray you bear with me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then -begin, and let the grocer do rare things.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one -hath a part already.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; -beshrew me if I do not think he will go beyond them all.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, -gentlemen, let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and -necessaries, and by Gad, if any of them all blow wind in the tail -on him, I'll be hanged.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_19" id="Page_19">[Pg 19]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll -be sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you -sometimes at our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: -he will fetch you up a couraging part so in the garret, that we -are all as feared I warrant you, that we quake again. We fear -our children with him, if they be never so unruly, do but cry -"Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be as quiet as -lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what -thou canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen -will accept of it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Do, Ralph, do.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap</div> - <div class="i0">To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon,</div> - <div class="i0">Or dive into the bottom of the sea,</div> - <div class="i0">Where never fathom line touched any ground,</div> - <div class="i0">And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband -says, "Musidorus," before the wardens of our company.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker -for a wager.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, -if thou lovest me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> But what will you have it called?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> "The Grocer's Honour."</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were -better.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> I pray you do.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What stately music have you? Have you shawns?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> Shawns? No.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph -plays a stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at -the charge of them myself rather than we'll be without them.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> So you are like to be.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the -waits of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in -England; and that will fetch them all o'er the water with a -vengeance, as if they were mad.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pro.</i> You shall have them; will you sit down, then?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, come, wife.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst -you for my ease.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pro.</i> From all that's near the Court, from all that's great</div> - <div class="i0">Within the compass of the city walls,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_20" id="Page_20">[Pg 20]</a></span> - <div class="i0">We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence</div> - <div class="i0">All private taxes, all immodest phrases,</div> - <div class="i0">Whatever may but show like vicious,</div> - <div class="i0">For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings,</div> - <div class="i0">But honest minds are pleased with honest things.</div> - <div class="i0">Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must answer for't yourself.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT I.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>his man</i>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Sirrah, I'll make you know you are my prentice,</div> - <div class="i0">And whom my charitable love redeem'd</div> - <div class="i0">Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat</div> - <div class="i0">And growth, to be what now thou art; new cast thee,</div> - <div class="i0">Adding the trust of all I have at home,</div> - <div class="i0">In foreign staples, or upon the sea,</div> - <div class="i0">To thy direction; tied the good opinions</div> - <div class="i0">Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours,—</div> - <div class="i0">So fair were thy beginnings. But with these,</div> - <div class="i0">As I remember, you had never charge</div> - <div class="i0">To love your master's daughter, and even then,</div> - <div class="i0">When I had found a wealthy husband for her,</div> - <div class="i0">I take it, sir, you had not; but, however,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll break the neck of that commission,</div> - <div class="i0">And make you know you're but a merchant's factor.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Sir, I do lib'rally confess I'm yours,</div> - <div class="i0">Bound both by love and duty to your service:</div> - <div class="i0">In which my labour hath been all my profit.</div> - <div class="i0">I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted</div> - <div class="i0">To wear your honest gains upon my back,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor have I giv'n a pension to my blood,</div> - <div class="i0">Or lavishly in play consum'd your stock.</div> - <div class="i0">These, and the miseries that do attend them,</div> - <div class="i0">I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers</div> - <div class="i0">To all my temperate actions; for your daughter,</div> - <div class="i0">If there be any love to my deservings</div> - <div class="i0">Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it:</div> - <div class="i0">Nor am I able to refrain her wishes.</div> - <div class="i0">She's private to herself, and best of knowledge</div> - <div class="i0">Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for.</div> - <div class="i0">Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her</div> - <div class="i0">Unto a fellow of so lame a presence,</div> - <div class="i0">One that hath little left of nature in him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_21" id="Page_21">[Pg 21]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> 'Tis very well, sir, I can tell your wisdom</div> - <div class="i0">How all this shall be cured.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft9">Your care becomes you.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> And thus it shall be, sir; I here discharge you</div> - <div class="i0">My house and service. Take your liberty,</div> - <div class="i0">And when I want a son I'll send for you. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> These be the fair rewards of them that love,</div> - <div class="i0">Oh you that live in freedom never prove</div> - <div class="i0">The travail of a mind led by desire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Why how now, friend, struck with my father's thunder?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy</div> - <div class="i0">Be full of speed and virtue; I am now,</div> - <div class="i0">What I expected long, no more your father's.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> But mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> But yours, and only yours I am,</div> - <div class="i0">That's all I have to keep me from the statute;</div> - <div class="i0">You dare be constant still?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft8f">O fear me not.</span></div> - <div class="i0">In this I dare be better than a woman.</div> - <div class="i0">Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me,</div> - <div class="i0">Were they both equal to a prince's power.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> You know my rival?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft8">Yes, and love him dearly,</span></div> - <div class="i0">E'en as I love an ague, or foul weather;</div> - <div class="i0">I prithee, Jasper, fear him not.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft9f">Oh no,</span></div> - <div class="i0">I do not mean to do him so much kindness.</div> - <div class="i0">But to our own desires: you know the plot</div> - <div class="i0">We both agreed on.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft5">Yes, and will perform</span></div> - <div class="i0">My part exactly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft4b">I desire no more,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Farewell, and keep my heart, 'tis yours.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft10">I take it,</span></div> - <div class="i0">He must do miracles, makes me forsake it. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Fie upon 'em, little infidels, what a matter's here now?<br /> -Well, I'll be hang'd for a half-penny, if there be not some -abomination knavery in this play; well, let 'em look to it, Ralph -must come, and if there be any tricks a-brewing——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Let 'em brew and bake too, husband, a God's name. -Ralph will find all out I warrant you, and they were older than -they are. I pray, my pretty youth, is Ralph ready?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> He will be presently.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Now I pray you make my commendations unto him, -and withal, carry him this stick of liquorice; tell him his<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_22" id="Page_22">[Pg 22]</a></span> -mistress sent it him, and bid him bite a piece, 'twill open his -pipes the better, say.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Master Humphrey</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Come, sir, she's yours, upon my faith she's yours,</div> - <div class="i0">You have my hand; for other idle lets,</div> - <div class="i0">Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind</div> - <div class="i0">They're scattered, and no more. My wanton prentice,</div> - <div class="i0">That like a bladder blew himself with love,</div> - <div class="i0">I have let out, and sent him to discover</div> - <div class="i0">New masters yet unknown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft8g">I thank you, sir,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Indeed I thank you, sir; and ere I stir,</div> - <div class="i0">It shall be known, however you do deem,</div> - <div class="i0">I am of gentle blood, and gentle seem.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Oh, sir, I know it certain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft10e">Sir, my friend,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Although, as writers say, all things have end,</div> - <div class="i0">And that we call a pudding, hath his two,</div> - <div class="i0">Oh let it not seem strange, I pray to you,</div> - <div class="i0">If in this bloody simile, I put</div> - <div class="i0">My love, more endless than frail things or gut.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing, but -tell me truly. Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my -husband.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What is it, mouse?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it -behaves itself, I warrant you: and speaks and looks, and perts -up the head? I pray you brother, with your favour, were you -never one of Mr. Muncaster's scholars?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Chicken, I prithee heartily contain thyself, the childer -are pretty childer, but when Ralph comes, lamb!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, when Ralph comes, cony! Well, my youth, you -may proceed.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope,</div> - <div class="i0">Assured of my consent; get but my daughter's,</div> - <div class="i0">And wed her when you please; you must be bold,</div> - <div class="i0">And clap in close unto her; come, I know</div> - <div class="i0">You've language good enough to win a wench.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> A toity tyrant, hath been an old stringer in his days,</div> - <div class="i0">I warrant him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> I take your gentle offer, and withal</div> - <div class="i0">Yield love again for love reciprocal.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mar.</i> What, Luce, within there?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> .mleft10 <span class="mleft10">Called you, sir?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_23" id="Page_23">[Pg 23]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <span class="mleft8">I did;</span></div> - <div class="i0">Give entertainment to this gentleman;</div> - <div class="i0">And see you be not froward: to her, sir, <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">My presence will but be an eyesore to you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Fair mistress Luce, how do you, are you well?</div> - <div class="i0">Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell,</div> - <div class="i0">How doth your little sister, and your brother,</div> - <div class="i0">And whether you love me or any other?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Sir, these are quickly answered.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft12f">So they are,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Where women are not cruel; but how far</div> - <div class="i0">Is it now distant from the place we are in,</div> - <div class="i0">Unto that blessed place, your father's warren.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> What makes you think of that, sir?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft14b">E'en that face,</span></div> - <div class="i0">For stealing rabbits whilome in that place,</div> - <div class="i0">God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether,</div> - <div class="i0">Unto my cost and charges brought you thither,</div> - <div class="i0">And there began——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft7">Your game, sir.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft13">Let no game,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Or anything that tendeth to the same,</div> - <div class="i0">Be evermore remembered, thou fair killer,</div> - <div class="i0">For whom I sate me down and brake my tiller.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> There's a kind gentleman, I warrant you. When will -you do as much for me, George?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Beshrew me, sir, I'm sorry for your losses,</div> - <div class="i0">But as the proverb says, I cannot cry;</div> - <div class="i0">I would you had not seen me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft9">So would I,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Unless you had more maw to do me good.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood?</div> - <div class="i0">Send for a constable, and raise the town.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Oh no, my valiant love will batter down</div> - <div class="i0">Millions of constables, and put to flight</div> - <div class="i0">E'en that great watch of Midsummer Day at night.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Beshrew me, sir, 'twere good I yielded then,</div> - <div class="i0">Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men</div> - <div class="i0">Have no resistance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft6">Yield then, I am full</span></div> - <div class="i0">Of pity, though I say it, and can pull</div> - <div class="i0">Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves.</div> - <div class="i0">Look, Luce, look, the dog's tooth, nor the doves</div> - <div class="i0">Are not so white as these; and sweet they be,</div> - <div class="i0">And whipt about with silk, as you may see.</div> - <div class="i0">If you desire the price, shoot from your eye</div> - <div class="i0">A beam to this place, and you shall espy</div> - <div class="i0">F. S., which is to say, my sweetest honey,</div> - <div class="i0">They cost me three-and-twopence, and no money.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_24" id="Page_24">[Pg 24]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you; what</div> - <div class="i0">What would you more?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft7">Nothing.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft10e">Why then, farewell.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Nor so, nor so, for, lady, I must tell,</div> - <div class="i0">Before we part, for what we met together,</div> - <div class="i0">God grant me time, and patience, and fair weather.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Speak and declare your mind in terms so brief.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> I shall; then first and foremost, for relief</div> - <div class="i0">I call to you, if that you can afford it,</div> - <div class="i0">I care not at what price, for on my word it</div> - <div class="i0">Shall be repaid again, although it cost me</div> - <div class="i0">More than I'll speak of now, for love hath tost me</div> - <div class="i0">In furious blanket like a tennis-ball,</div> - <div class="i0">And now I rise aloft, and now I fall.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Alas, good gentleman, alas the day.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> I thank you heartily, and as I say,</div> - <div class="i0">Thus do I still continue without rest,</div> - <div class="i0">I' th' morning like a man, at night a beast,</div> - <div class="i0">Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet,</div> - <div class="i0">That much I fear, forsaking of my diet,</div> - <div class="i0">Will bring me presently to that quandary,</div> - <div class="i0">I shall bid all adieu.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft6">Now, by St. Mary</span></div> - <div class="i0">That were great pity.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft6">So it were, beshrew me,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Then ease me, lusty Luce, and pity shew me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth</div> - <div class="i0">Without my father's grant; get his consent,</div> - <div class="i0">And then you may with full assurance try me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> The worshipful your sire will not deny me,</div> - <div class="i0">For I have ask'd him, and he hath replied,</div> - <div class="i0">Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> And so am I, in truth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft8">Yet take me with you.</span></div> - <div class="i0">There is another clause must be annext,</div> - <div class="i0">And this it is I swore, and will perform it,</div> - <div class="i0">No man shall ever joy me as his wife,</div> - <div class="i0">But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture,</div> - <div class="i0">I'm yours; you need not fear, my father loves you,</div> - <div class="i0">If not, farewell, for ever.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft7">Stay, nymph, stay,</span></div> - <div class="i0">I have a double gelding, coloured bay,</div> - <div class="i0">Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind,</div> - <div class="i0">Another for myself, though somewhat blind,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet true as trusty tree.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_25" id="Page_25">[Pg 25]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft9">I'm satisfied,</span></div> - <div class="i0">And so I give my hand; our course must lie</div> - <div class="i0">Through Waltham Forest, where I have a friend</div> - <div class="i0">Will entertain us; so farewell, Sir Humphrey, <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i></span> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</div> - <div class="i0">And think upon your business.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft9">Though I die,</span></div> - <div class="i0">I am resolv'd to venture life and limb, <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i></span> <span class="smcap">Hum</span>.</div> - <div class="i0">For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> By my faith and troth, George, and as I am virtuous, -it is e'en the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather; -well, go thy ways, if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault -i'faith.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I prithee, mouse, be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make -some of 'em smoke for't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> That's my good lamb, George; fie, this stinking -tobacco kills me, would there were none in England. Now I -pray, gentlemen, what good does this stinking tobacco do you? -nothing; I warrant you make chimnies o' your faces. Oh, husband, -husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>, <i>like a grocer in his shop, with two prentices, -reading "Palmerin of England."</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace, fool, let Ralph alone; hark you, Ralph, do not -strain yourself too much at the first. Peace, begin, Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> <em>Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their lances -from their dwarfs, and clasping their helmets, galloped amain -after the giant, and Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, -came posting amain, saying, "Stay, traitorous thief, for thou -mayst not so carry away her that is worth the greatest lord in -the world;" and, with these words, gave him a blow on the -shoulder, that he struck him beside his elephant; and Trineus -coming to the knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon -beside his horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the -princess, getting out of the throng, between joy and grief said,</em> -"<em>All happy knight, the mirror of all such as follow arms, now -may I be well assured of the love thou bearest me.</em>" I wonder -why the kings do not raise an army of fourteen or fifteen hundred -thousand men, as big as the army that the Prince of Portigo -brought against Rosicler, and destroy these giants; they do -much hurt to wandering damsels that go in quest of their -knights.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Faith, husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the -King of Portugal cannot sit at his meat but the giants and the -ettins will come and snatch it from him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Hold thy tongue; on, Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> And certainly those knights are much to be commended<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_26" id="Page_26">[Pg 26]</a></span> -who, neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire -and a dwarf through the deserts to relieve poor ladies.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, by my faith are they, Ralph, let 'em say what they -will, they are indeed; our knights neglect their possessions well -enough, but they do not the rest.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> There are no such courteous and fair well-spoken -knights in this age; they will call one the son of a sea-cook that -Palmerin of England would have called fair sir; and one that -Rosicler would have called right beautiful damsel they will call -old witch.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have called me so -an hundred times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his -shop, with a flapet of wood, and a blue apron before him, selling -Methridatam and Dragons' Water to visited houses, that might -pursue feats of arms, and through his noble achievements -procure such a famous history to be written of his heroic -prowess?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> They go finely, by my troth.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Why should I not then pursue this course, both for -the credit of myself and our company? for amongst all the -worthy books of achievements, I do not call to mind that I yet -read of a grocer errant: I will be the said knight. Have you -heard of any that hath wandered unfurnished of his squire and -dwarf? My elder prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and -little George my dwarf. Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance -of my former trade, upon my shield shall be portrayed a -burning pestle, and I will be called the Knight of the Burning -Pestle.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade, -thou wert ever meek. Ralph! Tim!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Tim.</i> Anon.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge -you that from henceforth you never call me by any other name -but the Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning -Pestle; and that you never call any female by the name of a -woman or wench, but fair lady, if she have her desires; if not, -distressed damsel; that you call all forests and heaths, deserts; -and all horses, palfreys.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> This is very fine: faith, do the gentlemen like Ralph, -think you, husband?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, I warrant thee, the players would give all the shoes -in their shop for him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My beloved Squire Tim, stand out. Admit this were a -desert, and over it a knight errant pricking, and I should bid -you inquire of his intents, what would you say?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Tim.</i> Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_27" id="Page_27">[Pg 27]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> No, thus: Fair sir, the Right courteous and valiant -Knight of the Burning Pestle, commanded me to inquire upon -what adventure you are bound, whether to relieve some distressed -damsel or otherwise.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Dunder blockhead cannot remember.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before; all the gentlemen -heard him; did he not, gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him -on't?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">George.</i> Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning -Pestle, here is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of -pepper.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it; by my -troth it's a fine child.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Relieve her with all courteous language; now shut up -shop: no more my prentice, but my trusty squire and dwarf, I -must bespeak my shield, and arming pestle.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Go thy ways, Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the -best on 'em all.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ralph! Ralph!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> What say you, mistress?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I prithee come again quickly, sweet Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> By-and-by. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>and his mother</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Give thee my blessing? No, I'll never give thee -my blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'er be said I -gave thee my blessing. Thou art thy father's own son, of the -blood of the Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'er I -knew thy father, he hath spent all his own, and mine too, and -when I tell him of it, he laughs and dances and sings, and cries -"A merry heart lives long-a." And thou art a wast-thrift, and art -run away from thy master, that lov'd thee well, and art come to -me, and I have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, and -thou thinkest to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to -do it. Come hither, Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, -thou shalt have my blessing.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> God bless thee; but Jasper shall never have my -blessing, he shall be hang'd first, shall he not, Michael? how -sayest thou?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Yes forsooth, mother, and grace of God.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> That's a good boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'faith, it's a fine spoken child.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_28" id="Page_28">[Pg 28]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Mother, though you forget a parent's love,</div> - <div class="i0">I must preserve the duty of a child.</div> - <div class="i0">I ran not from my master, nor return</div> - <div class="i0">To have your stock maintain my idleness.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ungracious child I warrant him, hark how he chops -logic with his mother; thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell -her she lies.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and -flea him, and salt him, humpty halter-sack.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> My coming only is to beg your love,</div> - <div class="i0">Which I must ever, though I never gain it;</div> - <div class="i0">And howsoever you esteem of me,</div> - <div class="i0">There is no drop of blood hid in these veins,</div> - <div class="i0">But I remember well belongs to you,</div> - <div class="i0">That brought me forth, and would be glad for you</div> - <div class="i0">To rip them all again, and let it out.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee, God -knows; but I'll hamper thee well enough: get thee in, thou -vagabond, get thee in, and learn of thy brother Michael.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> <span class="stageone">[within.]</span> "Nose, nose, jolly red nose,</div> - <div class="i4">And who gave thee this jolly red nose?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Hark, my husband he's singing and hoiting,</div> - <div class="i0">And I'm fain to cark and care, and all little enough.</div> - <div class="i0">Husband, Charles, Charles Merry-thought!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Old Merry-thought</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves,</div> - <div class="i4">And they gave me this jolly red nose."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> If you would consider your estate, you would -have little list to sing, I wis.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> It should never be considered, while it were an -estate, if I thought it would spoil my singing.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old -man, and thou canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings -left, and thou eatest good meat, and drinkest good drink, and -laughest?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> And will do.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> But how wilt thou come by it, Charles?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> How? Why how have I done hitherto these forty -years? I never came into my dining-room, but at eleven and -six o'clock I found excellent meat and drink o' th' table. My -clothes were never worn out, but next morning a tailor brought -me a new suit, and without question it will be so ever! Use -makes perfectness; if all should fail, it is but a little straining -myself extraordinary, and laugh myself to death.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> It's a foolish old man this: is not he, George?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yes, honey.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Give me a penny i' th' purse while I live, George.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_29" id="Page_29">[Pg 29]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, by'r lady, honey hold thee there.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Well, Charles, you promised to provide for Jasper, -and I have laid up for Michael. I pray you pay Jasper his -portion, he's come home, and he shall not consume Michael's -stock; he says his master turned him away, but I promise you -truly, I think he ran away.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> No indeed, Mistress Merry-thought, though he be a -notable gallows, yet I'll assure you his master did turn him -away, even in this place, 'twas i'faith within this half-hour, -about his daughter; my husband was by.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Hang him, rogue, he served him well enough: love his -master's daughter! By my troth, honey, if there were a -thousand boys, thou wouldst spoil them all, with taking their -parts; let his mother alone with him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, George, but yet truth is truth.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Where is Jasper? He's welcome, however, call -him in, he shall have his portion; is he merry?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Ay, foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper! -Michael!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Welcome, Jasper, though thou runn'st away, -welcome! God bless thee! It is thy mother's mind thou should'st -receive thy portion; thou hast been abroad, and I hope hast -learnt experience enough to govern it. Thou art of sufficient -years. Hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, -eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee; thrust thyself into the -world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune cross -thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty -shillings left. Be a good husband, that is, wear ordinary clothes, -eat the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give -to the poor, and believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Long may you live free from all thought of ill,</div> - <div class="i0">And long have cause to be thus merry still.</div> - <div class="i0">But, father?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> No more words, Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my -blessing, thy father's spirit upon thee. Farewell, Jasper.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">"But yet, or e'er you part (oh cruel),</div> - <div class="i4">Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting,</div> - <div class="i4">Mine own dear jewel."</div> - <div class="i0">So, now begone, no words. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> So, Michael, now get thee gone too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Yes forsooth, mother, but I'll have my father's blessing -first.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> No, Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou -hast my blessing. Begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels and -follow thee: I'll stay no longer with him I warrant thee. Truly, -Charles, I'll be gone too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_30" id="Page_30">[Pg 30]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> What? You will not.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Yes indeed will I.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Heyho, farewell, Nan,</div> - <div class="i3">I'll never trust wench more again, if I can."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> You shall not think (when all your own is gone) -to spend that I have been scraping up for Michael.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Farewell, good wife, I expect it not, all I have to do -in this world is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not -taken from me; and if it be,</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">"When earth and seas from me are reft,</div> - <div class="i4">The skies aloft for me are left." <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Boy dances. Music.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Finis Actus Primi.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'll be sworn he's a merry old gentleman for all that. -Hark, hark, husband, hark, fiddles, fiddles; now surely they go -finely. They say 'tis present death for these fiddlers to tune -their rebecks before the great Turk's grace, is't not, George? -But look, look, here's a youth dances; now, good youth, do a turn -o' the toe. Sweetheart, i'faith I'll have Ralph come and do -some of his gambols: he'll ride the wild mare, gentlemen, -'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you, kind youth, -pray bid Ralph come.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace, conie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players -send Ralph, or an' they do not I'll tear some of their periwigs -beside their heads; this is all riff-raff.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT II.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> And how faith? how goes it now, son Humphrey?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Right worshipful and my beloved friend,</div> - <div class="i0">And father dear, this matter's at an end.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> 'Tis well, it should be so, I'm glad the girl</div> - <div class="i0">Is found so tractable.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft6">Nay, she must whirl</span></div> - <div class="i0">From hence (and you must wink: for so I say,</div> - <div class="i0">The story tells), to-morrow before day.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be -a match? tell me but what thou thinkest, sweet rogue, thou seest -the poor gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I -warrant you, to be at rest: I'll go move the father for't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, no, I prithee sit still, honeysuckle, thou'lt spoil all; -if he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows myself, and -in the shutting of an evening knock it up, and there's an end.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_31" id="Page_31">[Pg 31]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I'll buss thee for that i'faith, boy; well, George, well, -you have been a wag in your days I warrant you; but God -forgive you, and I do with all my heart.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> How was it, son? you told me that to-morrow before -daybreak, you must convey her hence.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> I must, I must, and thus it is agreed,</div> - <div class="i0">Your daughter rides upon a brown bay steed,</div> - <div class="i0">I on a sorrel, which I bought of Brian,</div> - <div class="i0">The honest host of the Red Roaring Lion,</div> - <div class="i0">In Waltham situate: then if you may,</div> - <div class="i0">Consent in seemly sort, lest by delay,</div> - <div class="i0">The fatal sisters come, and do the office,</div> - <div class="i0">And then you'll sing another song.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <span class="mleft10e">Alas,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Why should you be thus full of grief to me,</div> - <div class="i0">That do as willing as yourself agree</div> - <div class="i0">To anything, so it be good and fair?</div> - <div class="i0">Then steal her when you will, if such a pleasure</div> - <div class="i0">Content you both, I'll sleep and never see it,</div> - <div class="i0">To make your joys more full: but tell me why</div> - <div class="i0">You may not here perform your marriage?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> God's blessing o' thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art -loath to part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm glad -on't; well, go thy ways, Humphrey, for a fair-spoken man. I -believe thou hast not a fellow within the walls of London; an' I -should say the suburbs too, I should not lie. Why dost not -thou rejoice with me, George?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> If I could but see Ralph again, I were as merry as mine -host i'faith.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> The cause you seem to ask, I thus declare;</div> - <div class="i0">Help me, O Muses nine: your daughter sware</div> - <div class="i0">A foolish oath, the more it was the pity:</div> - <div class="i0">Yet no one but myself within this city</div> - <div class="i0">Shall dare to say so, but a bold defiance</div> - <div class="i0">Shall meet him, were he of the noble science.</div> - <div class="i0">And yet she sware, and yet why did she swear?</div> - <div class="i0">Truly I cannot tell, unless it were</div> - <div class="i0">For her own ease; for sure sometimes an oath,</div> - <div class="i0">Being sworn thereafter, is like cordial broth:</div> - <div class="i0">And this it was she swore, never to marry,</div> - <div class="i0">But such a one whose mighty arm could carry</div> - <div class="i0">(As meaning me, for I am such a one)</div> - <div class="i0">Her bodily away through stick and stone,</div> - <div class="i0">Till both of us arrive, at her request,</div> - <div class="i0">Some ten miles off in the wide Waltham Forést.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> If this be all, you shall not need to fear</div> - <div class="i0">Any denial in your love; proceed,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll neither follow nor repent the deed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_32" id="Page_32">[Pg 32]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Good night, twenty good nights, and twenty more,</div> - <div class="i0">And twenty more good nights: that makes threescore. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span> <i>and her son</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Come, Michael, art thou not weary, boy?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> No, forsooth, mother, not I.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Where be we now, child?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Indeed forsooth, mother, I cannot tell, unless we be at -Mile End. Is not all the world Mile End, mother?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> No, Michael, not all the world, boy; but I can -assure thee, Michael, Mile End is a goodly matter. There has -been a pitched field, my child, between the naughty Spaniels -and the Englishmen; and the Spaniels ran away, Michael, and -the Englishmen followed. My neighbour Coxstone was there, -boy, and killed them all with a birding-piece.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Mother, forsooth.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> What says my white boy?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Shall not my father go with us too?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> No, Michael, let thy father go snick-up, he shall -never come between a pair of sheets with me again while he -lives: let him stay at home and sing for his supper, boy. Come, -child, sit down, and I'll show my boy fine knacks indeed; look -here, Michael, here's a ring, and here's a brooch, and here's a -bracelet, and here's two rings more, and here's money, and gold -by th' eye, my boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Shall I have all this, mother?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Ay, Michael, thou shalt have all, Michael.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> How lik'st thou this, wench?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no -more else indeed la: and I pray you let the youths understand -so much by word of mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' -my boy. Come, come, George, let's be merry and wise, the -child's a fatherless child, and say they should put him into a -strait pair of gaskins, 'twere worse than knot-grass, he would -never grow after it.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph, Squire</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Here's Ralph, here's Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> How do you, Ralph? You are welcome, Ralph, as I -may say, it's a good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, -we are thy friends, Ralph. The gentlemen will praise thee, -Ralph, if thou play'st thy part with audacity; begin, Ralph a -God's name.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My trusty squire, unlace my helm, give me my hat; -where are we, or what desert might this be?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_33" id="Page_33">[Pg 33]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Mirror of knighthood, this is, as I take it, the perilous -Waltham down, in whose bottom stands the enchanted valley.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Oh, Michael, we are betrayed, we are betrayed, -here be giants; fly, boy; fly, boy; fly!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Mother</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Lace on my helm again; what noise is this?</div> - <div class="i0">A gentle lady flying the embrace</div> - <div class="i0">Of some uncourteous knight: I will relieve her.</div> - <div class="i0">Go, squire, and say, the knight that wears this pestle</div> - <div class="i0">In honour of all ladies, swears revenge</div> - <div class="i0">Upon that recreant coward that pursues her;</div> - <div class="i0">Go, comfort her, and that same gentle squire</div> - <div class="i0">That bears her company.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Squire.</i> <span class="mleft7">I go, brave knight.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My trusty dwarf and friend, reach me my shield,</div> - <div class="i0">And hold it while I swear, first by my knighthood,</div> - <div class="i0">Then by the soul of Amadis de Gaul,</div> - <div class="i0">My famous ancestor, then by my sword,</div> - <div class="i0">The beauteous Brionella girt about me,</div> - <div class="i0">By this bright burning pestle, of mine honour</div> - <div class="i0">The living trophy, and by all respect</div> - <div class="i0">Due to distressed damsels, here I vow</div> - <div class="i0">Never to end the quest of this fair lady,</div> - <div class="i0">And that forsaken squire, till by my valour</div> - <div class="i0">I gain their liberty.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> <span class="mleft5">Heaven bless the knight</span></div> - <div class="i0">That thus relieves poor errant gentlewomen. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay marry, Ralph, this has some savour in it, I would -see the proudest of them all offer to carry his books after him. -But, George, I will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick -if he go away, that I shall; call Ralph again, George, call -Ralph again: I prithee, sweetheart, let him come fight before me, -and let's have some drums and trumpets, and let him kill all -that comes near him, an' thou lov'st me, George.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace a little, bird, he shall kill them all, an' they were -twenty more on 'em than there are.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Now, Fortune (if thou be'st not only ill),</div> - <div class="i0">Show me thy better face, and bring about</div> - <div class="i0">Thy desperate wheel, that I may climb at length</div> - <div class="i0">And stand; this is our place of meeting,</div> - <div class="i0">If love have any constancy. Oh age</div> - <div class="i0">Where only wealthy men are counted happy:</div> - <div class="i0">How shall I please thee? how deserve thy smiles,</div> - <div class="i0">When I am only rich in misery?</div> - <div class="i0">My father's blessing, and this little coin</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_34" id="Page_34">[Pg 34]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Is my inheritance. A strong revenue!</div> - <div class="i0">From earth thou art, and unto earth I give thee.</div> - <div class="i0">There grow and multiply, whilst fresher air</div> - <div class="i0">Breeds me a fresher fortune. How, illusion! <span class="stageright">[<i>Spies the casket.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">What, hath the devil coined himself before me?</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis metal good, it rings well, I am waking,</div> - <div class="i0">And taking too I hope; now God's dear blessing</div> - <div class="i0">Upon his heart that left it here, 'tis mine;</div> - <div class="i0">These pearls, I take it, were not left for swine. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I do not like this unthrifty youth should embezzle away -the money; the poor gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy -heart for it, God knows.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> And reason good, sweetheart.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall -fetch him again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above -ground; and besides, George, here be a number of sufficient -gentlemen can witness, and myself, and yourself, and the -musicians, if we be called in question; but here comes Ralph, -George; thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Comes not Sir Squire again?</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Right courteous knight,</div> - <div class="i0">Your squire doth come, and with him comes the lady</div> - <div class="i0">Fair, and the squire of damsels, as I take it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought, Michael</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Squire</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Madam, if any service or devoir</div> - <div class="i0">Of a poor errant knight may right your wrongs,</div> - <div class="i0">Command it. I am prest to give you succour,</div> - <div class="i0">For to that holy end I bear my armour.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Alas, sir, I am a poor gentlewoman, and I have -lost my money in this forest.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Desert, you would say, lady, and not lost</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst I have sword and lance; dry up your tears,</div> - <div class="i0">Which ill befit the beauty of that face,</div> - <div class="i0">And tell the story, if I may request it,</div> - <div class="i0">Of your disastrous fortune.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand -pound, e'en all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the -sight of your mastership. You looked so grim, and as I may say -it, saving your presence, more like a giant than a mortal man.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I am as you are, lady, so are they</div> - <div class="i0">All mortal; but why weeps this gentle squire?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Has he not cause to weep do you think,<br /> -when he has lost his inheritance?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Young hope of valour, weep not, I am here</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_35" id="Page_35">[Pg 35]</a></span> - <div class="i0">That will confound thy foe, and pay it dear</div> - <div class="i0">Upon his coward head, that dare deny</div> - <div class="i0">Distresséd squires and ladies equity.</div> - <div class="i0">I have but one horse, upon which shall ride</div> - <div class="i0">This lady fair behind me, and before</div> - <div class="i0">This courteous squire, fortune will give us more</div> - <div class="i0">Upon our next adventure; fairly speed</div> - <div class="i0">Beside us squire and dwarf, to do us need. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Did not I tell you, Nell, what your man would do? by -the faith of my body, wench, for clean action and good delivery, -they may all cast their caps at him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the -twelve companies of London cannot match him, timber for -timber. Well, George, an' he be not inveigled by some of these -paltry players, I ha' much marvel; but, George, we ha' done our -parts, if the boy have any grace to be thankful.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yes, I warrant you, duckling.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Good Mistress Luce, however I in fault am</div> - <div class="i0">For your lame horse, you're welcome unto Waltham!</div> - <div class="i0">But which way now to go, or what to say</div> - <div class="i0">I know not truly, till it be broad day.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> O fear not, Master Humphrey, I am guide</div> - <div class="i0">For this place good enough.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft9">Then up and ride,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Or if it please you, walk for your repose,</div> - <div class="i0">Or sit, or if you will, go pluck a rose:</div> - <div class="i0">Either of which shall be indifferent</div> - <div class="i0">To your good friend and Humphrey, whose consent</div> - <div class="i0">Is so entangled ever to your will,</div> - <div class="i0">As the poor harmless horse is to the mill.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Faith and you say the word, we'll e'en sit down,</div> - <div class="i0">And take a nap.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft4">'Tis better in the town,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Where we may nap together; for believe me,</div> - <div class="i0">To sleep without a match would mickle grieve me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> You're merry, Master Humphrey.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft13">So I am,</span></div> - <div class="i0">And have been ever merry from my dam.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Your nurse had the less labour.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft12e">Faith it may be,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Unless it were by chance I did bewray me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Luce, dear friend Luce.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft9">Here, Jasper.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_36" id="Page_36">[Pg 36]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft14">You are mine.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> If it be so, my friend, you use me fine:</div> - <div class="i0">What do you think I am?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft7f">An arrant noddy.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> A word of obloquy; now by my body,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll tell thy master, for I know thee well.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Nay, an' you be so forward for to tell,</div> - <div class="i0">Take that, and that, and tell him, sir, I gave it: <span class="stageright">[<i>Beats him.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">And say I paid you well.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft7e">O, sir, I have it,</span></div> - <div class="i0">And do confess the payment, pray be quiet.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Go, get you to your night-cap and the diet,</div> - <div class="i0">To cure your beaten bones.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft8">Alas, poor Humphrey,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Get thee some wholesome broth with sage and cumfry:</div> - <div class="i0">A little oil of roses, and a feather</div> - <div class="i0">To 'noint thy back withal.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft7f">When I came hither,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Would I had gone to Paris with John Dory.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Farewell, my pretty numps, I'm very sorry</div> - <div class="i0">I cannot bear thee company.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft8e">Farewell,</span></div> - <div class="i0">The devil's dam was ne'er so bang'd in hell. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Manet</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> This young Jasper will prove me another things, a my -conscience, and he may be suffered; George, dost not see, -George, how a swaggers, and flies at the very heads a folks as -he were a dragon; well, if I do not do his lesson for wronging -the poor gentleman, I am no true woman; his friends that -brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, than -have taught him these fegaries: he's e'en in the highway to the -gallows, God bless him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> You're too bitter, cony, the young man may do well -enough for all this.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Come hither, Master Humphrey, has he hurt you? -Now beshrew his fingers for't; here, sweetheart, here's some -green ginger for thee, now beshrew my heart, but a has peppernel -in's head, as big as a pullet's egg; alas, sweet lamb, how -thy temples beat; take the peace on him, sweetheart, take the -peace on him.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, no, you talk like a foolish woman; I'll ha' Ralph -fight with him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly. Sirrah boy, -come hither, let Ralph come in and fight with Jasper.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_37" id="Page_37">[Pg 37]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our play lies -contrary, and 'twill hazard the spoiling of our play.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Plot me no plots, I'll ha' Ralph come out; I'll make your -house too hot for you else.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Why, sir, he shall; but if anything fall out of order, the -gentlemen must pardon us.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Go your ways, goodman boy, I'll hold him a penny he -shall have his belly full of fighting now. Ho, here comes Ralph; -no more.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>, <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>, <span class="smcap">Michael</span>, <span class="smcap">Squire</span>, -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> What knight is that, squire? Ask him if he keep</div> - <div class="i0">The passage bound by love of lady fair,</div> - <div class="i0">Or else but prickant.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> <span class="mleft5h">Sir, I am no knight,</span></div> - <div class="i0">But a poor gentleman, that this same night,</div> - <div class="i0">Had stolen from me, upon yonder green,</div> - <div class="i0">My lovely wife, and suffered (to be seen</div> - <div class="i0">Yet extant on my shoulders) such a greeting,</div> - <div class="i0">That whilst I live, I shall think of that meeting.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, Ralph, he beat him unmercifully, Ralph, an' thou -spar'st him, Ralph, I would thou wert hang'd.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No more, wife, no more.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Where is the caitiff wretch hath done this deed?</div> - <div class="i0">Lady, your pardon, that I may proceed</div> - <div class="i0">Upon the quest of this injurious knight.</div> - <div class="i0">And thou, fair squire, repute me not the worse,</div> - <div class="i0">In leaving the great 'venture of the purse</div> - <div class="i0">And the rich casket, till some better leisure.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Here comes the broker hath purloined my treasure.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Go, squire, and tell him I am here,</div> - <div class="i0">An errant knight at arms, to crave delivery</div> - <div class="i0">Of that fair lady to her own knight's arms.</div> - <div class="i0">If he deny, bid him take choice of ground,</div> - <div class="i0">And so defy him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Squire.</i> From the knight that bears</div> - <div class="i0">The golden pestle, I defy thee, knight,</div> - <div class="i0">Unless thou make fair restitution</div> - <div class="i0">Of that bright lady.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft5c">Tell the knight that sent thee</span></div> - <div class="i0">He is an ass, and I will keep the wench,</div> - <div class="i0">And knock his head-piece.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_38" id="Page_38">[Pg 38]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Knight, thou art but dead,</div> - <div class="i0">If thou recall not thy uncourteous terms.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Break his pate, Ralph; break his pate, Ralph, soundly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Come, knight, I'm ready for you, now your pestle</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Snatches away his pestle.</i></div> - <div class="i0">Shall try what temper, sir, your mortar's of;</div> - <div class="i0">With that he stood upright in his stirrups,</div> - <div class="i0">And gave the knight of the calves-skin such a knock,</div> - <div class="i0">That he forsook his horse, and down he fell,</div> - <div class="i0">And then he leaped upon him, and plucking off his helmet——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Nay, an' my noble knight be down so soon,</div> - <div class="i0">Though I can scarcely go, I needs must run——</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Run, Ralph; run, Ralph; run for thy life, boy; Jasper -comes, Jasper comes!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Come, Luce, we must have other arms for you.</div> - <div class="i0">Humphrey and Golden Pestle, both adieu. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Sure the devil, God bless us, is in this springald; why, -George, didst ever see such a fire-drake? I am afraid my boy's -miscarried; if he be, though he were Master Merry-thought's -son a thousand times, if there be any law in England, I'll make -some of them smart for't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, no, I have found out the matter, sweetheart. Jasper -is enchanted as sure as we are here, he is enchanted; he could -no more have stood in Ralph's hands than I can stand in my -Lord Mayor's; I'll have a ring to discover all enchantments, -and Ralph shall beat him yet. Be no more vexed, for it shall -be so.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>, <span class="smcap">Squire</span>, <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>, <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>, -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Oh, husband, here's Ralph again; stay, Ralph, let me -speak with thee; how dost thou, Ralph? Art thou not shrewdly -hurt? The foul great lunges laid unmercifully on thee! There's -some sugar-candy for thee; proceed, thou shalt have another -bout with him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> If Ralph had him at the fencing-school, if he did not -make a puppy of him, and drive him up and down the school, -he should ne'er come in my shop more.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Truly, Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, I am -weary.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Indeed la mother, and I'm very hungry.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Take comfort, gentle dame, and your fair squire.</div> - <div class="i0">For in this desert there must needs be placed</div> - <div class="i0">Many strong castles, held by courteous knights,</div> - <div class="i0">And till I bring you safe to one of those</div> - <div class="i0">I swear by this my order ne'er to leave you.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_39" id="Page_39">[Pg 39]</a></span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Well said, Ralph: George, Ralph was ever comfortable, -was he not?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yes, duck.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I shall ne'er forget him. When we had lost our child, -you know it was strayed almost alone to Puddle Wharf, and the -criers were abroad for it, and there it had drowned itself but for -a sculler, Ralph was the most comfortablest to me: "Peace -mistress," says he, "let it go, I'll get you another as good." Did -he not, George? Did he not say so?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yes indeed did he, mouse.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> I would we had a mess of pottage and a pot of drink, -squire, and were going to bed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Squire.</i> Why, we are at Waltham town's end, and that's the -Bell Inn.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Take courage, valiant knight, damsel, and squire,</div> - <div class="i0">I have discovered, not a stone's cast off,</div> - <div class="i0">An ancient castle held by the old knight</div> - <div class="i0">Of the most holy order of the Bell,</div> - <div class="i0">Who gives to all knights errant entertain;</div> - <div class="i0">There plenty is of food, and all prepar'd</div> - <div class="i0">By the white hands of his own lady dear.</div> - <div class="i0">He hath three squires that welcome all his guests:</div> - <div class="i0">The first, high Chamberlino, who will see</div> - <div class="i0">Our beds prepared, and bring us snowy sheets;</div> - <div class="i0">The second hight Tapstero, who will see</div> - <div class="i0">Our pots full filléd, and no froth therein;</div> - <div class="i0">The third, a gentle squire Ostlero hight,</div> - <div class="i0">Who will our palfries slick with wisps of straw,</div> - <div class="i0">And in the manger put them oats enough,</div> - <div class="i0">And never grease their teeth with candle-snuff.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> That same dwarf's a pretty boy, but the squire's a -grout-nold.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Knock at the gates, my squire, with stately lance.</p> - -<p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tapster</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Tap.</i> Who's there, you're welcome, gentlemen; will you see a -room?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning -Pestle, this is the squire Tapstero.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Fair squire Tapstero, I a wandering knight,</div> - <div class="i0">Hight of the Burning Pestle, in the quest</div> - <div class="i0">Of this fair lady's casket and wrought purse,</div> - <div class="i0">Losing myself in this vast wilderness,</div> - <div class="i0">Am to this castle well by fortune brought,</div> - <div class="i0">Where hearing of the goodly entertain</div> - <div class="i0">Your knight of holy order of the Bell,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_40" id="Page_40">[Pg 40]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Gives to all damsels, and all errant knights,</div> - <div class="i0">I thought to knock, and now am bold to enter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tapst.</i> An't please you see a chamber, you are very welcome. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, I would have something done, and I cannot -tell what it is.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What is it, Nell?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Why, George, shall Ralph beat nobody again? Prithee, -sweetheart, let him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> So he shall, Nell, and if I join with him, we'll knock them -all.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> O George, here's Master Humphrey again now, that -lost Mistress Luce, and Mistress Luce's father. Master -Humphrey will do somebody's errand I warrant him.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Father, it's true in arms I ne'er shall clasp her,</div> - <div class="i0">For she is stol'n away by your man Jasper.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I thought he would tell him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mer.</i> Unhappy that I am to lose my child:</div> - <div class="i0">Now I begin to think on Jasper's words,</div> - <div class="i0">Who oft hath urg'd to me thy foolishness;</div> - <div class="i0">Why didst thou let her go? thou lov'st her not,</div> - <div class="i0">That wouldst bring home thy life, and not bring her.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Father, forgive me, I shall tell you true,</div> - <div class="i0">Look on my shoulders, they are black and blue,</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst to and fro fair Luce and I were winding,</div> - <div class="i0">He came and basted me with a hedge binding.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mer.</i> Get men and horses straight, we will be there</div> - <div class="i0">Within this hour; you know the place again?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> I know the place where he my loins did swaddle,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll get six horses, and to each a saddle.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mer.</i> Mean time I will go talk with Jasper's father. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, what wilt thou lay with me now, that Master -Humphrey has not Mistress Luce yet; speak, George, what wilt -thou lay with me?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, Nell, I warrant thee, Jasper is at Puckeridge with -her by this.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Nay, George, you must consider Mistress Luce's feet -are tender, and besides, 'tis dark, and I promise you truly, I do -not see how he should get out of Waltham Forest with her -yet.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Nay, honey, what wilt thou lay with me that Ralph has -her not yet?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I will not lay against Ralph, honny, because I have -not spoken with him: but look, George, peace, here comes the -merry old gentleman again.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_41" id="Page_41">[Pg 41]</a></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Old Merry-thought</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "When it was grown to dark midnight,</div> - <div class="i4">And all were fast asleep,</div> - <div class="i4">In came Margaret's grimly ghost,</div> - <div class="i4">And stood at William's feet."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>I have money, and meat, and drink beforehand, till to-morrow -at noon, why should I be sad? Methinks I have half a -dozen jovial spirits within me, "I am three merry men, and three -merry men." To what end should any man be sad in this world? -Give me a man that when he goes to hanging cries "Troul the -black bowl to me;" and a woman that will sing a catch in her -travail. I have seen a man come by my door with a serious -face, in a black cloak, without a hatband, carrying his head as -if he look'd for pins in the street. I have look'd out of my -window half a year after, and have spied that man's head upon -London Bridge. 'Tis vile! Never trust a tailor that does not -sing at his work, his mind is of nothing but filching.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Mark this, George, 'tis worth noting: Godfrey, my -tailor, you know, never sings, and he had fourteen yards to make -this gown: and I'll be sworn, Mistress Penistone, the draper's -wife, had one made with twelve.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood,</div> - <div class="i4">More than wine, or sleep, or food,</div> - <div class="i4">Let each man keep his heart at ease,</div> - <div class="i4">No man dies of that disease!</div> - <div class="i4">He that would his body keep</div> - <div class="i4">From diseases, must not weep,</div> - <div class="i4">But whoever laughs and sings,</div> - <div class="i4">Never he his body brings</div> - <div class="i4">Into fevers, gouts, or rhumes,</div> - <div class="i4">Or lingringly his lungs consumes;</div> - <div class="i4">Or meets with achés in the bone,</div> - <div class="i4">Or catarrhs, or griping stone:</div> - <div class="i4">But contented lives by aye,</div> - <div class="i4">The more he laughs, the more he may."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Look, George. How say'st thou by this, George? Is't -not a fine old man? Now God's blessing a thy sweet lips. -When wilt thou be so merry, George? Faith, thou art the -frowningst little thing, when thou art angry, in a country.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace, coney; thou shalt see him took down too, I -warrant thee. Here's Luce's father come now.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "As you came from Walsingham,</div> - <div class="i4">From the Holy Land,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_42" id="Page_42">[Pg 42]</a></span> - <div class="i4">There met you not with my true love</div> - <div class="i4">By the way as you came?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Oh, Master Merry-thought! my daughter's gone!</div> - <div class="i0">This mirth becomes you not, my daughter's gone!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Why an' if she be, what care I?</div> - <div class="i4">Or let her come, or go, or tarry."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Mock not my misery, it is your son</div> - <div class="i0">(Whom I have made my own, when all forsook him),</div> - <div class="i0">Has stol'n my only joy, my child, away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "He set her on a milk-white steed,</div> - <div class="i4">And himself upon a gray,</div> - <div class="i4">He never turned his face again,</div> - <div class="i4">But he bore her quite away."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Unworthy of the kindness I have shown</div> - <div class="i0">To thee and thine; too late, I well perceive</div> - <div class="i0">Thou art consenting to my daughter's loss.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Your daughter? what a stir's here wi' y'r daughter?</div> - <div class="i0">Let her go, think no more on her, but sing loud. If both my</div> - <div class="i0">sons were on the gallows I would sing,</div> - <div class="i4">"Down, down, down: they fall</div> - <div class="i4">Down, and arise they never shall."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Oh, might but I behold her once again,</div> - <div class="i0">And she once more embrace her aged sire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Fie, how scurvily this goes:</div> - <div class="i0">"And she once more embrace her aged sire?"</div> - <div class="i0">You'll make a dog on her, will ye; she cares much for her aged</div> - <div class="i0">sire, I warrant you.</div> - <div class="i4">"She cares not for her daddy, nor</div> - <div class="i4">She cares not for her mammy,</div> - <div class="i4">For she is, she is, she is my</div> - <div class="i4">Lord of Low-gaves lassie."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> For this thy scorn I will pursue</div> - <div class="i0">That son of thine to death.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Merch.</i> Do, and when you ha' killed him,</div> - <div class="i4">"Give him flowers enow, Palmer, give him flowers enow,</div> - <div class="i4">Give him red and white, blue, green, and yellow."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I'll fetch my daughter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> I'll hear no more o' your daughter, it spoils my mirth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I say I'll fetch my daughter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Was never man for lady's sake, down, down,</div> - <div class="i4">Tormented as I, Sir Guy? de derry down,</div> - <div class="i4">For Lucy's sake, that lady bright, down, down,</div> - <div class="i4">As ever man beheld with eye? de derry down."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I'll be revenged, by heaven! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_43" id="Page_43">[Pg 43]</a></span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i xml:lang="la" lang="la">Finis Actus Secundi.</i> <span class="stageright">[<i>Music.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> How dost thou like this, George?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why this is well, dovey; but if Ralph were hot once, -thou shouldst see more.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> The fiddlers go again, husband.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, Nell, but this is scurvy music; I gave the young -gallows money, and I think he has not got me the waits of -Southwark. If I hear 'em not anon, I'll twing him by the ears. -You musicians, play Baloo.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> No, good George, let's have Lachrymæ.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why this is it, bird.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Is't? All the better, George; now, sweet lamb, what -story is that painted upon the cloth? the Confutation of Saint -Paul?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, lamb, that's Ralph and Lucrece.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ralph and Lucrece? Which Ralph? our Ralph?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, mouse, that was a Tartarian.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> A Tartarian? well, I would the fiddlers had done, that -we might see our Ralph again.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT III.—<span class="smcap">Scene</span> I.</h4> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Come, my dear dear, though we have lost our way</div> - <div class="i0">We have not lost ourselves. Are you not weary</div> - <div class="i0">With this night's wand'ring, broken from your rest?</div> - <div class="i0">And frighted with the terror that attends</div> - <div class="i0">The darkness of this wild unpeopled place?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> No, my best friend, I cannot either fear</div> - <div class="i0">Or entertain a weary thought, whilst you</div> - <div class="i0">(The end of all my full desires) stand by me.</div> - <div class="i0">Let them that lose their hopes, and live to languish</div> - <div class="i0">Amongst the number of forsaken lovers,</div> - <div class="i0">Tell the long weary steps and number Time,</div> - <div class="i0">Start at a shadow, and shrink up their blood,</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst I (possessed with all content and quiet)</div> - <div class="i0">Thus take my pretty love, and thus embrace him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> You've caught me, Luce, so fast, that whilst I live</div> - <div class="i0">I shall become your faithful prisoner,</div> - <div class="i0">And wear these chains for ever. Come, sit down,</div> - <div class="i0">And rest your body, too too delicate</div> - <div class="i0">For these disturbances; so, will you sleep?</div> - <div class="i0">Come, do not be more able than you are,</div> - <div class="i0">I know you are not skilful in these watches,</div> - <div class="i0">For women are no soldiers; be not nice,</div> - <div class="i0">But take it, sleep, I say.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_44" id="Page_44">[Pg 44]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft7">I cannot sleep,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Indeed I cannot, friend.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft7">Why then we'll sing,</span></div> - <div class="i0">And try how that will work upon our senses.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> I'll sing, or say, or anything but sleep.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Come, little mermaid, rob me of my heart</div> - <div class="i0">With that enchanting voice.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> You mock me, Jasper.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Song.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Tell me, dearest, what is love?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> 'Tis a lightning from above,</div> - <div class="i5">'Tis an arrow, 'tis a fire,</div> - <div class="i5">'Tis a boy they call Desire.</div> - <div class="i6">'Tis a smile</div> - <div class="i6">Doth beguile</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> The poor hearts of men that prove.</div> - <div class="i4">Tell me more, are women true?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Some love change, and so do you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Are they fair, and never kind?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Yes, when men turn with the wind.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Are they froward?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Ever toward</div> - <div class="i4"> Those that love, to love anew.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Dissemble it no more, I see the god</div> - <div class="i0">Of heavy sleep, lays on his heavy mace</div> - <div class="i0">Upon your eyelids.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft5">I am very heavy.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Sleep, sleep, and quiet rest crown thy sweet thoughts:</div> - <div class="i0">Keep from her fair blood all distempers, startings,</div> - <div class="i0">Horrors and fearful shapes: let all her dreams</div> - <div class="i0">Be joys and chaste delights, embraces, wishes,</div> - <div class="i0">And such new pleasures as the ravish'd soul</div> - <div class="i0">Gives to the senses. So, my charms have took.</div> - <div class="i0">Keep her, ye Powers Divine, whilst I contemplate</div> - <div class="i0">Upon the wealth and beauty of her mind.</div> - <div class="i0">She's only fair, and constant, only kind,</div> - <div class="i0">And only to thee, Jasper. O my joys!</div> - <div class="i0">Whither will you transport me? let not fulness</div> - <div class="i0">Of my poor buried hopes come up together,</div> - <div class="i0">And over-charge my spirits; I am weak.</div> - <div class="i0">Some say (however ill) the sea and women</div> - <div class="i0">Are govern'd by the moon, both ebb and flow,</div> - <div class="i0">Both full of changes: yet to them that know,</div> - <div class="i0">And truly judge, these but opinions are,</div> - <div class="i0">And heresies to bring on pleasing war</div> - <div class="i0">Between our tempers, that without these were</div> - <div class="i0">Both void of after-love, and present fear;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_45" id="Page_45">[Pg 45]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Which are the best of Cupid. O thou child!</div> - <div class="i0">Bred from despair, I dare not entertain thee,</div> - <div class="i0">Having a love without the faults of women,</div> - <div class="i0">And greater in her perfect goods than men;</div> - <div class="i0">Which to make good, and please myself the stronger,</div> - <div class="i0">Though certainly I'm certain of her love,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll try her, that the world and memory</div> - <div class="i0">May sing to after-times her constancy.</div> - <div class="i0">Luce, Luce, awake!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft5">Why do you fright me, friend,</span></div> - <div class="i0">With those distempered looks? what makes your sword</div> - <div class="i0">Drawn in your hand? who hath offended you?</div> - <div class="i0">I prithee, Jasper, sleep, thou'rt wild with watching.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Come, make your way to Heav'n, and bid the world,</div> - <div class="i0">With all the villanies that stick upon it,</div> - <div class="i0">Farewell; you're for another life.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft10">Oh, Jasper,</span></div> - <div class="i0">How have my tender years committed evil,</div> - <div class="i0">Especially against the man I love,</div> - <div class="i0">Thus to be cropt untimely?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft8">Foolish girl,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Canst thou imagine I could love his daughter</div> - <div class="i0">That flung me from my fortune into nothing?</div> - <div class="i0">Dischargéd me his service, shut the doors</div> - <div class="i0">Upon my poverty, and scorn'd my prayers,</div> - <div class="i0">Sending me, like a boat without a mast,</div> - <div class="i0">To sink or swim? Come, by this hand you die,</div> - <div class="i0">I must have life and blood, to satisfy</div> - <div class="i0">Your father's wrongs.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Away, George, away, raise the watch at Ludgate, and -bring a mittimus from the justice for this desperate villain. -Now, I charge you, gentlemen, see the King's peace kept. O -my heart, what a varlet's this, to offer manslaughter upon the -harmless gentlewoman?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I warrant thee, sweetheart, we'll have him hampered.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Oh, Jasper! be not cruel,</div> - <div class="i0">If thou wilt kill me, smile, and do it quickly,</div> - <div class="i0">And let not many deaths appear before me.</div> - <div class="i0">I am a woman made of fear and love,</div> - <div class="i0">A weak, weak woman, kill not with thy eyes,</div> - <div class="i0">They shoot me through and through. Strike, I am ready,</div> - <div class="i0">And dying, still I love thee.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant, Humphrey</span>, <i>and his</i> <span class="smcap">Men</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Where abouts?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> No more of this, now to myself again.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_46" id="Page_46">[Pg 46]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> There, there he stands with sword, like martial knight,</div> - <div class="i0">Drawn in his hand, therefore beware the fight</div> - <div class="i0">You that are wise; for were I good Sir Bevis,</div> - <div class="i0">I would not stay his coming, by your leaves.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Sirrah, restore my daughter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Sirrah, no.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Upon him then.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> So, down with him, down with him, down with him!</div> - <div class="i0">Cut him i'the leg, boys, cut him i'the leg!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Come your ways, minion, I'll provide a cage for you,</div> - <div class="i0">you're grown so tame. Horse her away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hum.</i> Truly I am glad your forces have the day. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Manet</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> They're gone, and I am hurt; my love is lost,</div> - <div class="i0">Never to get again. Oh, me unhappy!</div> - <div class="i0">Bleed, bleed and die——I cannot; oh, my folly!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hast betrayed me; hope, where art thou fled?</div> - <div class="i0">Tell me, if thou be'st anywhere remaining.</div> - <div class="i0">Shall I but see my love again? Oh, no!</div> - <div class="i0">She will not deign to look upon her butcher,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor is it fit she should; yet I must venture.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh chance, or fortune, or whate'er thou art</div> - <div class="i0">That men adore for powerful, hear my cry,</div> - <div class="i0">And let me loving live, or losing die. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Is he gone, George?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, coney.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Marry, and let him go, sweetheart, by the faith a my -body, a has put me into such a fright, that I tremble (as they -say) as 'twere an aspin leaf. Look a my little finger, George, -how it shakes: now, in truth, every member of my body is the -worse for't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Come, hug in mine arms, sweet mouse, he shall not -fright thee any more; alas, mine own dear heart, how it quivers.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought, Ralph, Michael, Squire, -Dwarf, Host</span>, <i>and a</i> <span class="smcap">Tapster</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> O Ralph, how dost thou, Ralph? How hast thou slept -to-night? Has the knight used thee well?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace, Nell, let Ralph alone.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Tap.</i> Master, the reckoning is not paid.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Right courteous Knight, who for the orders' sake</div> - <div class="i0">Which thou hast ta'en, hang'st out the holy Bell,</div> - <div class="i0">As I this flaming pestle bear about,</div> - <div class="i0">We render thanks to your puissant self,</div> - <div class="i0">Your beauteous lady, and your gentle squires,</div> - <div class="i0">For thus refreshing of our wearied limbs,</div> - <div class="i0">Stiffened with hard achievements in wild desert.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_47" id="Page_47">[Pg 47]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tap.</i> Sir, there is twelve shillings to pay.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Thou merry squire Tapstero, thanks to thee</div> - <div class="i0">For comforting our souls with double jug,</div> - <div class="i0">And if adventurous fortune prick thee forth,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou jovial squire, to follow feats of arms,</div> - <div class="i0">Take heed thou tender ev'ry lady's cause,</div> - <div class="i0">Ev'ry true knight, and ev'ry damsel fair,</div> - <div class="i0">But spill the blood of treacherous Saracens,</div> - <div class="i0">And false enchanters, that with magic spells</div> - <div class="i0">Have done to death full many a noble knight.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Host.</i> Thou valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, give ear to -me: there is twelve shillings to pay, and as I am a true knight, -I will not bate a penny.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, I prithee tell me, must Ralph pay twelve -shillings now?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, Nell, no, nothing; but the old knight is merry with -Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> O, is't nothing else? Ralph will be as merry as he.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Sir Knight, this mirth of yours becomes you well,</div> - <div class="i0">But to requite this liberal courtesy,</div> - <div class="i0">If any of your squires will follow arms,</div> - <div class="i0">He shall receive from my heroic hand</div> - <div class="i0">A knighthood, by the virtue of this pestle.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Host.</i> Fair knight, I thank you for your noble offer; therefore, -gentle knight, twelve shillings you must pay, or I must -cap you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Look, George, did not I tell thee as much? The -knight of the Bell is in earnest. Ralph shall not be beholding -to him; give him his money, George, and let him go snick-up.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Cap Ralph? No; hold your hand, Sir Knight of the Bell, -there's your money. Have you anything to say to Ralph now? -Cap Ralph?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I would you should know it, Ralph has friends that -will not suffer him to be capt for ten times so much, and ten -times to the end of that. Now take thy course, Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Come, Michael, thou and I will go home to thy -father, he hath enough left to keep us a day or two, and we'll set -fellows abroad to cry our purse and casket. Shall we, Michael?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> Ay, I pray mother, in truth my feet are full of chilblains -with travelling.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Faith and those chilblains are a foul trouble. Mistress -Merry-thought, when your youth comes home let him rub all the -soles of his feet and his heels and his ankles with a mouse-skin; -or if none of you can catch a mouse, when he goes to bed let -him roll his feet in the warm embers, and I warrant you he shall -be well, and you may make him put his fingers between his toes -and smell to them, it's very sovereign for his head if he be -costive.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_48" id="Page_48">[Pg 48]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, my son -Michael and I bid you farewell; I thank your worship heartily -for your kindness.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Farewell, fair lady, and your tender squire.</div> - <div class="i0">If pricking through these deserts, I do hear</div> - <div class="i0">Of any trait'rous knight, who, through his guile</div> - <div class="i0">Hath light upon your casket and your purse,</div> - <div class="i0">I will despoil him of them and restore them.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> I thank your worship.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exit with</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Dwarf, bear my shield; squire, elevate my lance,</div> - <div class="i0">And now farewell, you knight of holy Bell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, ay, Ralph, all is paid.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> But yet before I go, speak, worthy knight,</div> - <div class="i0">If aught you do of sad adventures know,</div> - <div class="i0">Where errant knight may through his prowess win</div> - <div class="i0">Eternal fame, and free some gentle souls</div> - <div class="i0">From endless bonds of steel and lingring pain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Host.</i> Sirrah, go to Nick the Barber, and bid him prepare</div> - <div class="i0">himself, as I told you before, quickly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tap.</i> I am gone, sir. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Tapster</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Host.</i> Sir Knight, this wilderness affordeth none</div> - <div class="i0">But the great venture, where full many a knight</div> - <div class="i0">Hath tried his prowess, and come off with shame,</div> - <div class="i0">And where I would not have you lose your life,</div> - <div class="i0">Against no man, but furious fiend of hell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Speak on, Sir Knight, tell what he is, and where:</div> - <div class="i0">For here I vow upon my blazing badge,</div> - <div class="i0">Never to lose a day in quietness;</div> - <div class="i0">But bread and water will I only eat,</div> - <div class="i0">And the green herb and rock shall be my couch,</div> - <div class="i0">Till I have quell'd that man, or beast, or fiend,</div> - <div class="i0">That works such damage to all errant knights.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Host.</i> Not far from hence, near to a craggy cliff</div> - <div class="i0">At the north end of this distresséd town,</div> - <div class="i0">There doth stand a lowly house</div> - <div class="i0">Ruggedly builded, and in it a cave,</div> - <div class="i0">In which an ugly giant now doth dwell,</div> - <div class="i0">Yclepéd Barbaroso: in his hand</div> - <div class="i0">He shakes a naked lance of purest steel,</div> - <div class="i0">With sleeves turned up, and he before him wears</div> - <div class="i0">A motley garment, to preserve his clothes</div> - <div class="i0">From blood of those knights which he massacres,</div> - <div class="i0">And ladies gent: without his door doth hang</div> - <div class="i0">A copper bason, on a prickant spear;</div> - <div class="i0">At which, no sooner gentle knights can knock,</div> - <div class="i0">But the shrill sound fierce Barbaroso hears,</div> - <div class="i0">And rushing forth, brings in the errant knight,</div> - <div class="i0">And sets him down in an enchanted chair:</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_49" id="Page_49">[Pg 49]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Then with an engine, which he hath prepar'd</div> - <div class="i0">With forty teeth, he claws his courtly crown,</div> - <div class="i0">Next makes him wink, and underneath his chin</div> - <div class="i0">He plants a brazen piece of mighty bore,</div> - <div class="i0">And knocks his bullets round about his cheeks,</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst with his fingers, and an instrument</div> - <div class="i0">With which he snaps his hair off, he doth fill</div> - <div class="i0">The wretch's ears with a most hideous noise.</div> - <div class="i0">Thus every knight adventurer he doth trim,</div> - <div class="i0">And now no creature dares encounter him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> In God's name, I will fight with him, kind sir.</div> - <div class="i0">Go but before me to this dismal cave</div> - <div class="i0">Where this huge giant Barbaroso dwells,</div> - <div class="i0">And by that virtue that brave Rosiclere,</div> - <div class="i0">That wicked brood of ugly giants slew,</div> - <div class="i0">And Palmerin Frannarco overthrew:</div> - <div class="i0">I doubt not but to curb this traitor foul,</div> - <div class="i0">And to the devil send his guilty soul.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Host.</i> Brave sprighted knight, thus far I will perform</div> - <div class="i0">This your request, I'll bring you within sight</div> - <div class="i0">Of this most loathsome place, inhabited</div> - <div class="i0">By a more loathsome man: but dare not stay,</div> - <div class="i0">For his main force swoops all he sees away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Saint George! set on, before march squire and page. <span class="stageone">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, dost think Ralph will confound the giant?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I hold my cap to a farthing he does. Why, Nell, I saw -him wrestle with the great Dutchman, and hurl him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Faith and that Dutchman was a goodly man, if all things -were answerable to his bigness. And yet they say there was a -Scottishman higher than he, and that they two on a night met, -and saw one another for nothing.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Nay, by your leave, Nell, Ninivie was better.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ninivie, O that was the story of Joan and the -Wall, was it not, George?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Yes, lamb.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Look, George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought -again, and I would have Ralph come and fight with the giant. -I tell you true, I long to see't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Good Mistress Merry-thought, be gone, I pray you for -my sake; I pray you forbear a little, you shall have audience -presently: I have a little business.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_50" id="Page_50">[Pg 50]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Mistress Merry-thought, if it please you to refrain your -passion a little, till Ralph have dispatched the giant out of the -way, we shall think ourselves much bound to thank you. I -thank you, good Mistress Merry-thought. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span>.</span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Boy, come hither, send away Ralph and this master -giant quickly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> In good faith, sir, we cannot; you'll utterly spoil our -play, and make it to be hissed, and it cost money; you will not -suffer us to go on with our plots. I pray, gentlemen, rule him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Let him come now and dispatch this, and I'll trouble you -no more.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Will you give me your hand of that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Give him thy hand, George, do, and I'll kiss him; I -warrant thee the youth means plainly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> I'll send him to you presently. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I thank you, little youth; faith the child hath a sweet -breath. George, but I think it be troubled with the worms; -Carduus Benedictus and mare's milk were the only thing in the -world for it. Oh, Ralph's here, George! God send thee good -luck, Ralph!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph, Host, Squire</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Host.</i> Puissant knight, yonder his mansion is,</div> - <div class="i0">Lo, where the spear and copper bason are,</div> - <div class="i0">Behold the string on which hangs many a tooth,</div> - <div class="i0">Drawn from the gentle jaw of wandering knights;</div> - <div class="i0">I dare not stay to sound, he will appear. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Host</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> O faint not, heart: Susan, my lady dear,</div> - <div class="i0">The cobbler's maid in Milk Street, for whose sake</div> - <div class="i0">I take these arms, O let the thought of thee</div> - <div class="i0">Carry thy knight through all adventurous deed,</div> - <div class="i0">And in the honour of thy beauteous self,</div> - <div class="i0">May I destroy this monster Barbaroso.</div> - <div class="i0">Knock, squire, upon the bason till it break</div> - <div class="i0">With the shrill strokes, or till the giant speak.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Barbaroso</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> O George, the giant, the giant! Now, Ralph, for thy life!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> What fond unknowing wight is this, that dares</div> - <div class="i0">So rudely knock at Barbaroso's cell,</div> - <div class="i0">Where no man comes, but leaves his fleece behind?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_51" id="Page_51">[Pg 51]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I, traitorous caitiff, who am sent by fate</div> - <div class="i0">To punish all the sad enormities</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hast committed against ladies gent,</div> - <div class="i0">And errant knights, traitor to God and men.</div> - <div class="i0">Prepare thyself, this is the dismal hour</div> - <div class="i0">Appointed for thee to give strict account</div> - <div class="i0">Of all thy beastly treacherous villanies.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> Foolhardy knight, full soon thou shalt aby</div> - <div class="i0">This fond reproach, thy body will I bang, <span class="stageright">[<i>He takes down his pole.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">And lo, upon that string thy teeth shall hang;</div> - <div class="i0">Prepare thyself, for dead soon shalt thou be.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Saint George for me! <span class="stageright">[<i>They fight.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bar.</i> Gargantua for me!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> To him, Ralph, to him: hold up the giant, set out thy -leg before, Ralph!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Falsify a blow, Ralph, falsify a blow; the giant lies open -on the left side.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Bear't off, bear't off still; there, boy. Oh, Ralph's -almost down, Ralph's almost down!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Susan, inspire me, now have up again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Up, up, up, up, up, so, Ralph; down with him, down -with him, Ralph!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Fetch him over the hip, boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> There, boy; kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, Ralph!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, Ralph, get all out of him first.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Presumptuous man, see to what desperate end</div> - <div class="i0">Thy treachery hath brought thee; the just gods,</div> - <div class="i0">Who never prosper those that do despise them,</div> - <div class="i0">For all the villanies which thou hast done</div> - <div class="i0">To knights and ladies, now have paid thee home</div> - <div class="i0">By my stiff arm, a knight adventurous.</div> - <div class="i0">But say, vile wretch, before I send thy soul</div> - <div class="i0">To sad Avernus, whither it must go,</div> - <div class="i0">What captives hold'st thou in thy sable cave?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> Go in and free them all, thou hast the day.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Go, squire and dwarf, search in this dreadful cave,</div> - <div class="i0">And free the wretched prisoners from their bonds.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Squire</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> I crave for mercy as thou art a knight,</div> - <div class="i0">And scorn'st to spill the blood of those that beg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Thou showest no mercy, nor shalt thou have any;</div> - <div class="i0">Prepare thyself, for thou shalt surely die.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Squire</span>, <i>leading one winking, with a bason -under his chin</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Squire.</i> Behold, brave knight, here is one prisoner,</div> - <div class="i0">Whom this wild man hath used as you see.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_52" id="Page_52">[Pg 52]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> This is the wisest word I hear the squire speak.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Speak what thou art, and how thou hast been us'd,</div> - <div class="i0">That I may give him condign punishment.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Knight.</i> I am a knight that took my journey post</div> - <div class="i0">Northward from London, and in courteous wise,</div> - <div class="i0">This giant train'd me to his loathsome den,</div> - <div class="i0">Under pretence of killing of the itch,</div> - <div class="i0">And all my body with a powder strew'd,</div> - <div class="i0">That smarts and stings; and cut away my beard,</div> - <div class="i0">And my curl'd locks wherein were ribands ty'd,</div> - <div class="i0">And with a water washt my tender eyes</div> - <div class="i0">(Whilst up and down about me still he skipt),</div> - <div class="i0">Whose virtue is, that till my eyes be wip'd</div> - <div class="i0">With a dry cloth, for this my foul disgrace,</div> - <div class="i0">I shall not dare to look a dog i' th' face.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Alas, poor knight. Relieve him, Ralph; relieve poor -knights whilst you live.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My trusty squire, convey him to the town,</div> - <div class="i0">Where he may find relief; adieu, fair knight. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Knight</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>, <i>leading one with a patch over his nose</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Puissant Knight of the Burning Pestle hight,</div> - <div class="i0">See here another wretch, whom this foul beast</div> - <div class="i0">Hath scotch'd and scor'd in this inhuman wise.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Speak me thy name, and eke thy place of birth,</div> - <div class="i0">And what hath been thy usage in this cave.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Knight.</i> I am a knight, Sir Partle is my name,</div> - <div class="i0">And by my birth I am a Londoner,</div> - <div class="i0">Free by my copy, but my ancestors</div> - <div class="i0">Were Frenchmen all; and riding hard this way,</div> - <div class="i0">Upon a trotting horse, my bones did ache,</div> - <div class="i0">And I, faint knight, to ease my weary limbs,</div> - <div class="i0">Light at this cave, when straight this furious fiend,</div> - <div class="i0">With sharpest instrument of purest steel,</div> - <div class="i0">Did cut the gristle of my nose away,</div> - <div class="i0">And in the place this velvet plaster stands.</div> - <div class="i0">Relieve me, gentle knight, out of his hands.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Good Ralph, relieve Sir Partle, and send him away, -for in truth his breath stinks.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Convey him straight after the other knight. Sir -Partle, fare you well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd Knight.</i> Kind sir, good night. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Cries within.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Man.</i> Deliver us!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wom.</i> Deliver us!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Hark, George, what a woful cry there is. I think some -one is ill there.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_53" id="Page_53">[Pg 53]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Man.</i> Deliver us!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wom.</i> Deliver us!</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> What ghastly noise is this? Speak, Barbaroso,</div> - <div class="i0">Or by this blazing steel thy head goes off.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> Prisoners of mine, whom I in diet keep.</div> - <div class="i0">Send lower down into the cave,</div> - <div class="i0">And in a tub that's heated smoking hot,</div> - <div class="i0">There may they find them, and deliver them.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Run, squire and dwarf, deliver them with speed.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Squire</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> But will not Ralph kill this giant? Surely I am afraid if -he let him go he will do as much hurt as ever he did.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Not so, mouse, neither, if he could convert him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, George, if he could convert him; but a giant is not -so soon converted as one of us ordinary people. There's a -pretty tale of a witch, that had the devil's mark about her, God -bless us, that had a giant to her son, that was call'd Lob-lie-by-the-fire. -Didst never hear it, George?</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Squire</span> <i>leading a man with a glass of lotion in his hand, -and the</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span> <i>leading a woman, with diet bread and drink</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Peace, Nell, here come the prisoners.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dwarf.</i> Here be these pined wretches, manful knight,</div> - <div class="i0">That for these six weeks have not seen a wight.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Deliver what you are, and how you came</div> - <div class="i0">To this sad cave, and what your usage was?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Man.</i> I am an errant knight that followed arms,</div> - <div class="i0">With spear and shield, and in my tender years</div> - <div class="i0">I strucken was with Cupid's fiery shaft,</div> - <div class="i0">And fell in love with this my lady dear,</div> - <div class="i0">And stole her from her friends in Turnball Street,</div> - <div class="i0">And bore her up and down from town to town,</div> - <div class="i0">Where we did eat and drink, and music hear;</div> - <div class="i0">Till at the length at this unhappy town</div> - <div class="i0">We did arrive, and coming to this cave,</div> - <div class="i0">This beast us caught, and put us in a tub,</div> - <div class="i0">Where we this two months sweat, and should have done</div> - <div class="i0">Another month if you had not relieved us.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wom.</i> This bread and water hath our diet been,</div> - <div class="i0">Together with a rib cut from a neck</div> - <div class="i0">Of burned mutton; hard hath been our fare.</div> - <div class="i0">Release us from this ugly giant's snare.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Man.</i> This hath been all the food we have receiv'd;</div> - <div class="i0">But only twice a day, for novelty,</div> - <div class="i0">He gave a spoonful of this hearty broth <span class="stageright">[<i>Pulls out a syringe.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">To each of us, through this same slender quill.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> From this infernal monster you shall go,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_54" id="Page_54">[Pg 54]</a></span> - <div class="i0">That useth knights and gentle ladies so.</div> - <div class="i0">Convey them hence. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt Man and Woman.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Mouse, I can tell thee, the gentlemen like Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, George, I see it well enough. Gentlemen, I thank -you all heartily for gracing my man Ralph, and I promise you, -you shall see him oftener.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> Mercy, great knight, I do recant my ill,</div> - <div class="i0">And henceforth never gentle blood will spill.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I give thee mercy, but yet thou shalt swear</div> - <div class="i0">Upon my burning pestle to perform</div> - <div class="i0">Thy promise utter'd.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bar.</i> I swear and kiss.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Depart then, and amend.</div> - <div class="i0">Come, squire and dwarf, the sun grows towards his set,</div> - <div class="i0">And we have many more adventures yet. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Now Ralph is in this humour, I know he would ha' beaten -all the boys in the house, if they had been set on him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ay, George, but it is well as it is. I warrant you the -gentlemen do consider what it is to overthrow a giant. But look, -George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought, and her son -Michael. Now you are welcome, Mistress Merry-thought; now -Ralph has done, you may go on.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Mick, my boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mick.</i> Ay forsooth, mother.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Be merry, Mick, we are at home now, where I -warrant you, you shall find the house flung out of the windows. -Hark! hey dogs, hey, this is the old world i'faith with my -husband. I'll get in among them, I'll play them such lesson, -that they shall have little list to come scraping hither again. -Why, Master Merry-thought, husband, Charles Merry-thought!</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> [within.] "If you will sing and dance and laugh,</div> - <div class="i3">And holloa, and laugh again;</div> - <div class="i3">And then cry, there boys, there; why then,</div> - <div class="i3">One, two, three, and four,</div> - <div class="i3">We shall be merry within this hour."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Why, Charles, do you not know your own natural -wife? I say, open the door, and turn me out those mangy companions; -'tis more than time that they were fellow like with -you. You are a gentleman, Charles, and an old man, and father -of two children; and I myself, though I say it, by my mother's -side, niece to a worshipful gentleman, and a conductor; he has -been three times in his Majesty's service at Chester, and is -now the fourth time, God bless him, and his charge upon his -journey.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_55" id="Page_55">[Pg 55]</a></span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Go from my window, love, go;</div> - <div class="i3">Go from my window, my dear,</div> - <div class="i2">The wind and the rain will drive you back again,</div> - <div class="i3">You cannot be lodgéd here."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>Hark you, Mistress Merry-thought, you that walk upon adventures, -and forsake your husband because he sings with never -a penny in his purse; what, shall I think myself the worse? -Faith no, I'll be merry. You come not here, here's none but -lads of mettle, lives of a hundred years and upwards; care never -drunk their bloods, nor want made them warble,</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Heigh-ho, my heart is heavy."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Why, Master Merry-thought, what am I that you -should laugh me to scorn thus abruptly? Am I not your fellow-feeler, -as we may say, in all our miseries? your comforter in -health and sickness? Have I not brought you children? Are -they not like you, Charles? Look upon thine own image, hard-hearted -man; and yet for all this——</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> <span class="sstageone">[within.]</span> "Begone, begone, my juggy, my puggy,</div> - <div class="i3">Begone, my love, my dear;</div> - <div class="i3">The weather is warm,</div> - <div class="i3">'Twill do thee no harm,</div> - <div class="i3">Thou canst not be lodged here."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>Be merry, boys, some light music, and more wine.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> He's not in earnest, I hope, George, is he?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What if he be, sweetheart?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Marry if he be, George, I'll make bold to tell him he's -an ingrant old man to use his wife so scurvily.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What, how does he use her, honey?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Marry come up, Sir Sauce-box; I think you'll take his -part, will you not? Lord, how hot are you grown; you are a -fine man, an' you had a fine dog, it becomes you sweetly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Nay, prithee Nell, chide not; for as I am an honest -man, and a true Christian grocer, I do not like his doings.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I cry you mercy then, George; you know we are all -frail, and full of infirmities. D'ye hear, Master Merry-thought, -may I crave a word with you?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> <span class="sstageone">[within.]</span> Strike up lively, lads.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I had not thought in truth, Master Merry-thought, -that a man of your age and discretion, as I may say, being a -gentleman, and therefore known by your gentle conditions, could -have used so little respect to the weakness of his wife; for your -wife is your own flesh, the staff of your age, your yoke-fellow, -with whose help you draw through the mire of this transitory -world. Nay, she is your own rib. And again——</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "I come not hither for thee to teach,</div> - <div class="i3">I have no pulpit for thee to preach,</div> - <div class="i3">As thou art a lady gay."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Marry with a vengeance! I am heartily sorry for the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_56" id="Page_56">[Pg 56]</a></span> -poor gentlewoman; but if I were thy wife, i'faith, gray beard, -i'faith——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I prithee, sweet honeysuckle, be content.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Give me such words that am a gentlewoman born, -hang him, hoary rascal! Get me some drink, George, I am -almost molten with fretting. Now beshrew his knave's heart -for it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Play me a light lavalto. Come, be frolic, fill the -good fellows wine.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Why, Master Merry-thought, are you disposed to -make me wait here. You'll open, I hope; I'll fetch them that -shall open else.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Good woman, if you will sing, I'll give you something, -if not——</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Song.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">You are no love for me, Marget,</div> - <div class="i5">I am no love for you.</div> - <div class="i5">Come aloft, boys, aloft.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Now a churl's fist in your teeth, sir. Come, -Mick, we'll not trouble him, a shall not ding us i' th' teeth with -his bread and his broth, that he shall not. Come, boy, I'll -provide for thee, I warrant thee. We'll go to Master Venterwels -the merchant; I'll get his letter to mine host of the Bell in -Waltham, there I'll place thee with the tapster; will not that do -well for thee, Mick? And let me alone for that old rascally -knave, your father; I'll use him in his kind, I warrant ye.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Come, George, where's the beer?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Here, love.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> This old fumigating fellow will not out of my mind -yet. Gentlemen, I'll begin to you all, I desire more of your -acquaintance, with all my heart. Fill the gentlemen some beer, -George.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT IV.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Boy danceth.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Look, George, the little boy's come again; methinks he -looks something like the Prince of Orange, in his long stocking, -if he had a little harness about his neck. George, I will have -him dance Fading; Fading is a fine jig, I'll assure you, gentlemen. -Begin, brother; now a capers, sweetheart; now a turn a th' toe, -and then tumble. Cannot you tumble, youth?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_57" id="Page_57">[Pg 57]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> No, indeed, forsooth.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Nor eat fire?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Neither.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Why, then I thank you heartily; there's two pence to -buy you points withal.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> There, boy, deliver this. But do it well.</div> - <div class="i0">Hast thou provided me four lusty fellows,</div> - <div class="i0">Able to carry me? And art thou perfect</div> - <div class="i0">In all thy business?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, you need not fear,</div> - <div class="i0">I have my lesson here, and cannot miss it:</div> - <div class="i0">The men are ready for you, and what else</div> - <div class="i0">Pertains to this employment.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> There, my boy,</div> - <div class="i0">Take it, but buy no land.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Faith, sir, 'twere rare</div> - <div class="i0">To see so young a purchaser. I fly,</div> - <div class="i0">And on my wings carry your destiny. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Go, and be happy. Now my latest hope</div> - <div class="i0">Forsake me not, but fling thy anchor out,</div> - <div class="i0">And let it hold. Stand fixt, thou rolling stone,</div> - <div class="i0">Till I possess my dearest. Hear me, all</div> - <div class="i0">You Powers, that rule in men, celestial. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Go thy ways, thou art as crooked a sprig as ever grew -in London. I warrant him he'll come to some naughty end or -other; for his looks say no less. Besides, his father (you know, -George) is none of the best; you heard him take me up like a -gill flirt, and sing bad songs upon me. But i'faith, if I live, -George——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Let me alone, sweetheart, I have a trick in my head shall -lodge him in the Arches for one year, and make him sing Peccavi, -ere I leave him, and yet he shall never know who hurt him -neither.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Do, my good George, do.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> What shall we have Ralph do now, boy?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> You shall have what you will, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why so, sir, go and fetch me him then, and let the Sophy -of Persia come and christen him a child.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Believe me, sir, that will not do so well; 'tis stale, it has -been had before at the Red Bull.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, let Ralph travel over great hills, and let him be -weary, and come to the King of Cracovia's house, covered with -black velvet, and there let the king's daughter stand in her -window all in beaten gold, combing her golden locks with a -comb of ivory, and let her spy Ralph, and fall in love with him,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_58" id="Page_58">[Pg 58]</a></span> -and come down to him, and carry him into her father's house, -and then let Ralph talk with her.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Well said, Nell, it shall be so. Boy, let's ha't done quickly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, if you will imagine all this to be done already, you -shall hear them talk together. But we cannot present a house -covered with black velvet, and a lady in beaten gold.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Sir Boy, let's ha't as you can then.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Besides, it will show ill-favouredly to have a grocer's -prentice to court a king's daughter.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Will it so, sir? You are well read in histories: I pray -you what was Sir Dagonet? Was not he prentice to a grocer -in London? Read the play of the "Four Prentices of London," -where they toss their pikes so. I pray you fetch him in, sir; fetch -him in.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> It shall be done, it is not our fault, gentlemen. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Now we shall see fine doings, I warrant thee, George. -Oh, here they come; how prettily the King of Cracovia's daughter -is drest.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span> <i>and the</i> <span class="smcap">Lady</span>, <span class="smcap">Squire</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Dwarf</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, Nell, it is the fashion of that country, I warrant thee.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Welcome, Sir Knight, unto my father's court,</div> - <div class="i0">King of Moldavia, unto me Pompiona,</div> - <div class="i0">His daughter dear. But sure you do not like</div> - <div class="i0">Your entertainment, that will stay with us</div> - <div class="i0">No longer but a night.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> <span class="mleft6b">Damsel right fair,</span></div> - <div class="i0">I am on many sad adventures bound,</div> - <div class="i0">That call me forth into the wilderness.</div> - <div class="i0">Besides, my horse's back is something gall'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Which will enforce me ride a sober pace.</div> - <div class="i0">But many thanks, fair lady, be to you,</div> - <div class="i0">For using errant knight with courtesy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> But say, brave knight, what is your name and birth?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> My name is Ralph. I am an Englishman,</div> - <div class="i0">As true as steel, a hearty Englishman,</div> - <div class="i0">And prentice to a grocer in the Strand,</div> - <div class="i0">By deed indent, of which I have one part:</div> - <div class="i0">But fortune calling me to follow arms,</div> - <div class="i0">On me this holy order I did take,</div> - <div class="i0">Of Burning Pestle, which in all men's eyes</div> - <div class="i0">I bear, confounding ladies' enemies.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Oft have I heard of your brave countrymen,</div> - <div class="i0">And fertile soil, and store of wholesome food;</div> - <div class="i0">My father oft will tell me of a drink</div> - <div class="i0">In England found, and Nipitato call'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Which driveth all the sorrow from your hearts.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_59" id="Page_59">[Pg 59]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Lady, 'tis true, you need not lay your lips</div> - <div class="i0">To better Nipitato than there is.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> And of a wildfowl he will often speak,</div> - <div class="i0">Which powdered beef and mustard called is:</div> - <div class="i0">For there have been great wars 'twixt us and you;</div> - <div class="i0">But truly, Ralph, it was not long of me.</div> - <div class="i0">Tell me then, Ralph, could you contented be</div> - <div class="i0">To wear a lady's favour in your shield?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I am a knight of a religious order,</div> - <div class="i0">And will not wear a favour of a lady</div> - <div class="i0">That trusts in Antichrist, and false traditions.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Well said, Ralph, convert her if thou canst.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Besides, I have a lady of my own</div> - <div class="i0">In merry England; for whose virtuous sake</div> - <div class="i0">I took these arms, and Susan is her name,</div> - <div class="i0">A cobbler's maid in Milk Street, whom I vow</div> - <div class="i0">Ne'er to forsake, whilst life and pestle last.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Happy that cobbling dame, whoe'er she be,</div> - <div class="i0">That for her own (dear Ralph) hath gotten thee.</div> - <div class="i0">Unhappy I, that ne'er shall see the day</div> - <div class="i0">To see thee more, that bear'st my heart away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Lady, farewell; I must needs take my leave.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Hard-hearted Ralph, that ladies dost deceive.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Hark thee, Ralph, there's money for thee; give something -in the King of Cracovia's house; be not beholding to him.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Lady, before I go, I must remember</div> - <div class="i0">Your father's officers, who, truth to tell,</div> - <div class="i0">Have been about me very diligent:</div> - <div class="i0">Hold up thy snowy hand, thou princely maid.</div> - <div class="i0">There's twelve pence for your father's chamberlain,</div> - <div class="i0">And there's another shilling for his cook,</div> - <div class="i0">For, by my troth, the goose was roasted well.</div> - <div class="i0">And twelve pence for your father's horse-keeper,</div> - <div class="i0">For 'nointing my horse back; and for his butter,</div> - <div class="i0">There is another shilling; to the maid</div> - <div class="i0">That wash'd my boot-hose, there's an English groat,</div> - <div class="i0">And two pence to the boy that wip'd my boots.</div> - <div class="i0">And last, fair lady, there is for your self</div> - <div class="i0">Three pence to buy you pins at Bumbo Fair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Full many thanks, and I will keep them safe</div> - <div class="i0">Till all the heads be off, for thy sake, Ralph.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Advance, my squire and dwarf, I cannot stay.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady.</i> Thou kill'st my heart in parting thus away. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> I commend Ralph yet, that he will not stoop to a -Cracovian; there's properer women in London than any are -there, I wis. But here comes Master Humphrey and his love -again; now, George.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ay, bird, peace.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_60" id="Page_60">[Pg 60]</a></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span>, <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span>, <span class="smcap">Luce</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Go, get you up, I will not be entreated.</div> - <div class="i0">And, gossip mine, I'll keep you sure hereafter</div> - <div class="i0">From gadding out again with boys and unthrifts;</div> - <div class="i0">Come, they are women's tears, I know your fashion.</div> - <div class="i0">Go, sirrah, lock her in, and keep the key <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</span></div> - <div class="i0">Safe as your life. Now, my son Humphrey,</div> - <div class="i0">You may both rest assuréd of my love</div> - <div class="i0">In this, and reap your own desire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> I see this love you speak of, through your daughter,</div> - <div class="i0">Although the hole be little, and hereafter</div> - <div class="i0">Will yield the like in all I may or can,</div> - <div class="i0">Fitting a Christian and a gentleman.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I do believe you, my good son, and thank you,</div> - <div class="i0">For 'twere an impudence to think you flattered.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> It were indeed, but shall I tell you why,</div> - <div class="i0">I have been beaten twice about the lie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Well, son, no more of compliment; my daughter</div> - <div class="i0">Is yours again: appoint the time and take her.</div> - <div class="i0">We'll have no stealing for it, I myself</div> - <div class="i0">And some few of our friends will see you married.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> I would you would i'faith, for be it known</div> - <div class="i0">I ever was afraid to lie alone.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Some three days hence, then.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> Three days, let me see,</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis somewhat of the most, yet I agree,</div> - <div class="i0">Because I mean against the 'pointed day,</div> - <div class="i0">To visit all my friends in new array.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Serv.</i> Sir, there's a gentlewoman without would speak with -your worship.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> What is she?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Serv.</i> Sir, I asked her not.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Bid her come in.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Peace be to your worship, I come as a poor suitor -to you, sir, in the behalf of this child.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Are you not wife to Merry-thought?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Yes truly, would I had ne'er seen his eyes, he has -undone me and himself, and his children, and there he lives at -home and sings and hoits, and revels among his drunken companions;<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span> -but I warrant you, where to get a penny to put bread -in his mouth, he knows not. And therefore if it like your -worship, I would entreat your letter to the honest host of the -Bell in Waltham, that I may place my child under the protection -of his tapster, in some settled course of life.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I'm glad the Heav'ns have heard my prayers. Thy husband,</div> - <div class="i0">When I was ripe in sorrows, laughed at me;</div> - <div class="i0">Thy son, like an unthankful wretch, I having</div> - <div class="i0">Redeem'd him from his fall, and made him mine,</div> - <div class="i0">To show his love again, first stole my daughter:</div> - <div class="i0">Then wrong'd this gentleman, and last of all</div> - <div class="i0">Gave me that grief, had almost brought me down</div> - <div class="i0">Unto my grave, had not a stronger hand</div> - <div class="i0">Reliev'd my sorrows. Go, and weep as I did,</div> - <div class="i0">And be unpitied, for here I profess</div> - <div class="i0">An everlasting hate to all thy name.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Will you so, sir, how say you by that? Come, -Mick, let him keep his wind to cool his pottage; we'll go to thy -nurse's, Mick, she knits silk stockings, boy; and we'll knit too, -boy, and be beholding to none of them all.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mother</span>.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>with a letter</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, I take it you are the master of this house.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> How then, boy?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Then to yourself, sir, comes this letter.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> From whom, my pretty boy?</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> From him that was your servant, but no more</div> - <div class="i0">Shall that name ever be, for he is dead.</div> - <div class="i0">Grief of your purchas'd anger broke his heart;</div> - <div class="i0">I saw him die, and from his hand receiv'd</div> - <div class="i0">This paper, with a charge to bring it hither;</div> - <div class="i0">Read it, and satisfy yourself in all.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><span class="smcap">Letter</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <em>Sir, that I have wronged your love I must confess, in -which I have purchas'd to myself, besides mine own undoing, the -ill opinion of my friends; let not your anger, good sir, outlive -me, but suffer me to rest in peace with your forgiveness; let my -body (if a dying man may so much prevail with you) be brought -to your daughter, that she may know my hot flames are now -buried, and withal receive a testimony of the zeal I bore her -virtue. Farewell for ever, and be ever happy.</em>—<span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">God's hand is great in this. I do forgive him,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Yet am I glad he's quiet, where I hope</div> - <div class="i0">He will not bite again. Boy, bring the body,</div> - <div class="i0">And let him have his will, if that be all.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> 'Tis here without, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> So, sir, if you please</div> - <div class="i0">You may conduct it in, I do not fear it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> I'll be your usher, boy, for though I say it,</div> - <div class="i0">He ow'd me something once, and well did pay it. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span> <i>alone</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> If there be any punishment inflicted</div> - <div class="i0">Upon the miserable, more than yet I feel,</div> - <div class="i0">Let it together seize me, and at once</div> - <div class="i0">Press down my soul; I cannot bear the pain</div> - <div class="i0">Of these delaying tortures. Thou that art</div> - <div class="i0">The end of all, and the sweet rest of all,</div> - <div class="i0">Come, come, O Death, and bring me to thy peace,</div> - <div class="i0">And blot out all the memory I nourish</div> - <div class="i0">Both of my father and my cruel friend.</div> - <div class="i0">O wretched maid, still living to be wretched,</div> - <div class="i0">To be a say to Fortune in her changes,</div> - <div class="i0">And grow to number times and woes together.</div> - <div class="i0">How happy had I been, if being born</div> - <div class="i0">My grave had been my cradle?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Servant</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Serv.</i> By your leave,</div> - <div class="i0">Young mistress, here's a boy hath brought a coffin,</div> - <div class="i0">What a would say I know not; but your father</div> - <div class="i0">Charg'd me to give you notice. Here they come.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter two bearing a coffin</i>, <span class="smcap">Jasper</span> <i>in it</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> For me I hope 'tis come, and 'tis most welcome.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Fair mistress, let me not add greater grief</div> - <div class="i0">To that great store you have already; Jasper</div> - <div class="i0">(That whilst he liv'd was yours, now's dead,</div> - <div class="i0">And here inclos'd) commanded me to bring</div> - <div class="i0">His body hither, and to crave a tear</div> - <div class="i0">From those fair eyes, though he deserv'd not pity,</div> - <div class="i0">To deck his funeral, for so he bid me</div> - <div class="i0">Tell her for whom he died.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> He shall have many. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Coffin-Carrier</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</span></div> - <div class="i0">Good friends, depart a little, whilst I take</div> - <div class="i0">My leave of this dead man, that once I lov'd:</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Hold, yet a little, life, and then I give thee</div> - <div class="i0">To thy first Heav'nly Being. O my friend!</div> - <div class="i0">Hast thou deceiv'd me thus, and got before me?</div> - <div class="i0">I shall not long be after, but believe me,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou wert too cruel, Jasper, 'gainst thyself,</div> - <div class="i0">In punishing the fault I could have pardon'd,</div> - <div class="i0">With so untimely death; thou didst not wrong me,</div> - <div class="i0">But ever wert most kind, most true, most loving:</div> - <div class="i0">And I the most unkind, most false, most cruel.</div> - <div class="i0">Didst thou but ask a tear? I'll give thee all,</div> - <div class="i0">Even all my eyes can pour down, all my sighs,</div> - <div class="i0">And all myself, before thou goest from me.</div> - <div class="i0">These are but sparing rites; but if thy soul</div> - <div class="i0">Be yet about this place, and can behold</div> - <div class="i0">And see what I prepare to deck thee with,</div> - <div class="i0">It shall go up, borne on the wings of peace,</div> - <div class="i0">And satisfied. First will I sing thy dirge,</div> - <div class="i0">Then kiss thy pale lips, and then die, myself,</div> - <div class="i0">And fill one coffin, and one grave together.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Song.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Come you whose loves are dead,</div> - <div class="i6">And whilst I sing,</div> - <div class="i6">Weep and wring</div> - <div class="i4">Every hand, and every head</div> - <div class="i4">Bind with cypress and sad yew;</div> - <div class="i4">Ribbons black and candles blue,</div> - <div class="i4">For him that was of men most true.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Come with heavy moaning,</div> - <div class="i6">And on his grave</div> - <div class="i6">Let him have</div> - <div class="i4">Sacrifice of sighs and groaning;</div> - <div class="i4">Let him have fair flowers enow,</div> - <div class="i4">White and purple, green and yellow,</div> - <div class="i4">For him that was of men most true.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thou sable cloth, sad cover of my joys,</div> - <div class="i0">I lift thee up, and thus I meet with death.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> And thus you meet the living.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Save me, Heav'n!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Nay, do not fly me, fair, I am no spirit;</div> - <div class="i0">Look better on me, do you know me yet?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> O thou dear shadow of my friend!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Dear substance,</div> - <div class="i0">I swear I am no shadow; feel my hand,</div> - <div class="i0">It is the same it was: I am your Jasper,</div> - <div class="i0">Your Jasper that's yet living, and yet loving;</div> - <div class="i0">Pardon my rash attempt, my foolish proof</div> - <div class="i0">I put in practice of your constancy.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span> - <div class="i0">For sooner should my sword have drunk my blood,</div> - <div class="i0">And set my soul at liberty, than drawn</div> - <div class="i0">The least drop from that body, for which boldness</div> - <div class="i0">Doom me to anything; if death, I take it</div> - <div class="i0">And willingly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft3h">This death I'll give you for it:</span></div> - <div class="i0">So, now I'm satisfied; you are no spirit;</div> - <div class="i0">But my own truest, truest, truest friend,</div> - <div class="i0">Why do you come thus to me?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> <span class="mleft10">First, to see you,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Then to convey you hence.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luce.</i> <span class="mleft8b">It cannot be,</span></div> - <div class="i0">For I am lock'd up here, and watch'd at all hours,</div> - <div class="i0">That 'tis impossible for me to 'scape.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Nothing more possible: within this coffin</div> - <div class="i0">Do you convey yourself; let me alone,</div> - <div class="i0">I have the wits of twenty men about me,</div> - <div class="i0">Only I crave the shelter of your closet</div> - <div class="i0">A little, and then fear me not; creep in</div> - <div class="i0">That they may presently convey you hence.</div> - <div class="i0">Fear nothing, dearest love, I'll be your second;</div> - <div class="i0">Lie close, so, all goes well yet. Boy!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> At hand, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Convey away the coffin, and be wary.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> 'Tis done already.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Now must I go conjure. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Boy, boy!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Your servant, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Do me this kindness, boy; hold, here's a crown: -before thou bury the body of this fellow, carry it to his old -merry father, and salute him from me, and bid him sing: he -hath cause.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> I will, sir.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> And then bring me word what tune he is in,</div> - <div class="i0">And have another crown; but do it truly.</div> - <div class="i0">I've fitted him a bargain, now, will vex him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> God bless your worship's health, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Farewell, boy. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Master Merry-thought</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ah, Old Merry-thought, art thou there again? Let's -hear some of thy songs.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Who can sing a merrier note</div> - <div class="i4">Than he that cannot change a groat?"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p> - -<p>Not a denier left, and yet my heart leaps; I do wonder yet, as -old as I am, that any man will follow a trade, or serve, that may -sing and laugh, and walk the streets. My wife and both my -sons are I know not where; I have nothing left, nor know I how -to come by meat to supper, yet am I merry still; for I know I -shall find it upon the table at six o'clock; therefore, hang -thought.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"I would not be a serving-man</div> - <div class="i5">To carry the cloak-bag still,</div> - <div class="i5">Nor would I be a falconer</div> - <div class="i5">The greedy hawks to fill;</div> - <div class="i5">But I would be in a good house,</div> - <div class="i5">And have a good master too;</div> - <div class="i5">But I would eat and drink of the best,</div> - <div class="i5">And no work would I do."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>This is it that keeps life and soul together, mirth. This is the -philosopher's stone that they write so much on, that keeps a man -ever young.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, they say they know all your money is gone, and they -will trust you for no more drink.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Will they not? Let 'em choose. The best is, I have -mirth at home, and need not send abroad for that. Let them -keep their drink to themselves.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"For Jillian of Berry, she dwells on a hill,</div> - <div class="i3">And she hath good beer and ale to sell,</div> - <div class="i3">And of good fellows she thinks no ill,</div> - <div class="i4">And thither will we go now, now, now, and</div> - <div class="i5">thither will we go now.</div> - <div class="i3">And when you have made a little stay,</div> - <div class="i3">You need not know what is to pay,</div> - <div class="i3">But kiss your hostess and go your way.</div> - <div class="i4">And thither, &c."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter another</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Boy.</i> Sir, I can get no bread for supper.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Hang bread and supper, let's preserve our mirth,</div> - <div class="i0">and we shall never feel hunger, I'll warrant you; let's have a</div> - <div class="i0">catch. Boy, follow me; come sing this catch:</div> - <div class="i5">"Ho, ho, nobody at home,</div> - <div class="i5">Meat, nor drink, nor money ha' we none;</div> - <div class="i6">Fill the pot, Eedy,</div> - <div class="i6">Never more need I."</div> - <div class="i0">So, boys, enough, follow me; let's change our place, and we</div> - <div class="i0">shall laugh afresh. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Let him go, George, a shall not have any countenance<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span> -from us, not a good word from any i' th' company, if I may -strike stroke in't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No more a sha'not, love; but, Nell, I will have Ralph -do a very notable matter now, to the eternal honour and glory -of all grocers. Sirrah, you there, boy, can none of you hear?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, your pleasure.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Let Ralph come out on May-day in the morning, and -speak upon a conduit with all his scarfs about him, and his -feathers, and his rings, and his knacks.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Why, sir, you do not think of our plot, what will become -of that, then?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Why, sir, I care not what become on't. I'll have him -come out, or I'll fetch him out myself, I'll have something done -in honour of the city; besides, he hath been long enough upon -adventures. Bring him out quickly, for I come amongst you——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Well, sir, he shall come out; but if our play miscarry, -sir, you are like to pay for't.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exit.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Bring him away, then.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> This will be brave, i'faith. George, shall not he dance -the morrice, too, for the credit of the Strand?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> No, sweetheart, it will be too much for the boy. Oh, -there he is, Nell; he's reasonable well in reparel, but he has not -rings enough.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> "London, to thee I do present the merry month of May",</div> - <div class="i0">Let each true subject be content to hear me what I say:</div> - <div class="i0">For from the top of conduit head, as plainly may appear,</div> - <div class="i0">I will both tell my name to you, and wherefore I came here.</div> - <div class="i0">My name is Ralph, by due descent, though not ignoble I,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet far inferior to the flock of gracious grocery.</div> - <div class="i0">And by the common counsel of my fellows in the Strand,</div> - <div class="i0">With gilded staff, and crossed scarf, the May lord here I stand.</div> - <div class="i0">Rejoice, O English hearts, rejoice; rejoice, O lovers dear;</div> - <div class="i0">Rejoice, O city, town, and country; rejoice eke every shire;</div> - <div class="i0">For now the fragrant flowers do spring and sprout in seemly sort,</div> - <div class="i0">The little birds do sit and sing, the lambs do make fine sport;</div> - <div class="i0">And now the birchin tree doth bud that makes the schoolboy cry,</div> - <div class="i0">The morrice rings while hobby-horse doth foot it featuously:</div> - <div class="i0">The lords and ladies now abroad, for their disport and play,</div> - <div class="i0">Do kiss sometimes upon the grass, and sometimes in the hay.</div> - <div class="i0">Now butter with a leaf of sage is good to purge the blood,</div> - <div class="i0">Fly Venus and Phlebotomy, for they are neither good.</div> - <div class="i0">Now little fish on tender stone begin to cast their bellies,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And sluggish snail, that erst were mew'd, do creep out of their shellies.</div> - <div class="i0">The rumbling rivers now do warm, for little boys to paddle,</div> - <div class="i0">The sturdy steed now goes to grass, and up they hang his saddle.</div> - <div class="i0">The heavy hart, the blowing buck, the rascal and the pricket,</div> - <div class="i0">Are now among the yeoman's pease, and leave the fearful thicket.</div> - <div class="i0">And be like them, O you, I say, of this same noble town,</div> - <div class="i0">And lift aloft your velvet heads, and slipping of your gown,</div> - <div class="i0">With bells on legs, and napkins clean unto your shoulders ty'd,</div> - <div class="i0">With scarfs and garters as you please, and Hey for our town! cry'd.</div> - <div class="i0">March out and show your willing minds, by twenty and by twenty,</div> - <div class="i0">To Hogsdon, or to Newington, where ale and cakes are plenty.</div> - <div class="i0">And let it ne'er be said for shame, that we the youths of London,</div> - <div class="i0">Lay thrumming of our caps at home, and left our custom undone.</div> - <div class="i0">Up then I say, both young and old, both man and maid a-maying,</div> - <div class="i0">With drums and guns that bounce aloud, and merry tabor playing.</div> - <div class="i0">Which to prolong, God save our king, and send his country peace,</div> - <div class="i0">And root out treason from the land; and so, my friends, I cease.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT V.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Merchant</span>, <i>solus</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I will have no great store of company at the wedding: -a couple of neighbours and their wives; and we will have a -capon in stewed broth, with marrow, and a good piece of beef, -stuck with rosemary.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>, <i>with his face mealed</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Forbear thy pains, fond man, it is too late.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Heav'n bless me! Jasper!</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Ay, I am his ghost,</div> - <div class="i0">Whom thou hast injur'd for his constant love:</div> - <div class="i0">Fond worldly wretch, who dost not understand</div> - <div class="i0">In death that true hearts cannot parted be.</div> - <div class="i0">First know, thy daughter is quite borne away</div> - <div class="i0">On wings of angels, through the liquid air</div> - <div class="i0">Too far out of thy reach, and never more</div> - <div class="i0">Shalt thou behold her face: but she and I</div> - <div class="i0">Will in another world enjoy our loves,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Where neither father's anger, poverty,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor any cross that troubles earthly men,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall make us sever our united hearts.</div> - <div class="i0">And never shalt thou sit, or be alone</div> - <div class="i0">In any place, but I will visit thee</div> - <div class="i0">With ghastly looks, and put into thy mind</div> - <div class="i0">The great offences which thou didst to me.</div> - <div class="i0">When thou art at thy table with thy friends,</div> - <div class="i0">Merry in heart, and fill'd with swelling wine,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll come in midst of all thy pride and mirth,</div> - <div class="i0">Invisible to all men but thyself,</div> - <div class="i0">And whisper such a sad tale in thine ear,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall make thee let the cup fall from thy hand,</div> - <div class="i0">And stand as mute and pale as death itself.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Forgive me, Jasper! Oh! what might I do,</div> - <div class="i0">Tell me, to satisfy thy troubled ghost?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> There is no means, too late thou think'st on this.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> But tell me what were best for me to do?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Repent thy deed, and satisfy my father,</div> - <div class="i0">And beat fond Humphrey out of thy doors. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Humphrey</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Look, George, his very ghost would have folks beaten.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> Father, my bride is gone, fair Mistress Luce.</div> - <div class="i0">My soul's the font of vengeance, mischief's sluice.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Hence, fool, out of my sight, with thy fond passion</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hast undone me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> <span class="mleft5b">Hold, my father dear,</span></div> - <div class="i0">For Luce thy daughter's sake, that had no peer.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Thy father, fool? There's some blows more, begone. <span class="stageright">[<i>Beats him.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">Jasper, I hope thy ghost be well appeased</div> - <div class="i0">To see thy will perform'd; now will I go</div> - <div class="i0">To satisfy thy father for thy wrongs. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Humph.</i> What shall I do? I have been beaten twice,</div> - <div class="i0">And Mistress Luce is gone. Help me, device:</div> - <div class="i0">Since my true love is gone, I never more,</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst I do live, upon the sky will pore;</div> - <div class="i0">But in the dark will wear out my shoe-soles</div> - <div class="i0">In passion, in Saint Faith's Church under Paul's. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> George, call Ralph hither; if you love me, call Ralph -hither. I have the bravest thing for him to do, George; prithee -call him quickly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ralph, why Ralph, boy!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Here, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Come hither, Ralph, come to thy mistress, boy.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Ralph, I would have thee call all the youths together in -battle-ray, with drums, and guns, and flags, and march to Mile -End in pompous fashion, and there exhort your soldiers to be -merry and wise, and to keep their beards from burning, Ralph; -and then skirmish, and let your flags fly, and cry, Kill, kill, kill! -My husband shall lend you his jerkin, Ralph, and there's a -scarf; for the rest, the house shall furnish you, and we'll pay -for't: do it bravely, Ralph, and think before whom you perform, -and what person you represent.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I warrant you, mistress, if I do it not, for the honour -of the city, and the credit of my master, let me never hope for -freedom.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> 'Tis well spoken i'faith; go thy ways, thou art a spark -indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ralph, double your files bravely, Ralph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> I warrant you, sir. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Let him look narrowly to his service, I shall take him -else; I was there myself a pike-man once, in the hottest of the -day, wench; had my feather shot sheer away, the fringe of my -pike burnt off with powder, my pate broken with a scouring-stick, -and yet I thank God I am here. <span class="stageright">[<i>Drum within.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Hark, George, the drums!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ran, tan, tan, tan, ran tan. Oh, wench, an' thou hadst but -seen little Ned of Aldgate, drum Ned, how he made it roar again, -and laid on like a tyrant, and then struck softly till the Ward -came up, and then thundered again, and together we go: "Sa, -sa, sa," bounce quoth the guns; "Courage, my hearts," quoth the -captains; "Saint George," quoth the pike-men; and withal here -they lay, and there they lay; and yet for all this I am here, wench.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Be thankful for it, George, for indeed 'tis wonderful.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span> <i>and his Company, with drums and colours</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> March fair, my hearts; lieutenant, beat the rear up; -ancient, let your colours fly; but have a great care of the -butchers' hooks at Whitechapel, they have been the death of -many a fair ancient. Open your files, that I may take a view -both of your persons and munition. Sergeant, call a muster.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Serg.</i> A stand. William Hamerton, pewterer.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ham.</i> Here, Captain.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> A croslet and a Spanish pike; 'tis well, can you shake -it with a terror?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ham.</i> I hope so, captain.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Charge upon me—'tis with the weakest. Put more -strength, William Hamerton, more strength. As you were -again; proceed, sergeant.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Serg.</i> George Green-goose, poulterer.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Green.</i> Here.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Let me see your piece, neighbour Green-goose. When -was she shot in?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Green.</i> An' like you, master captain, I made a shot even now, -partly to scour her, and partly for audacity.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> It should seem so, certainly, for her breath is yet -inflamed; besides, there is a main fault in the touch-hole, it -stinketh. And I tell you, moreover, and believe it, ten such -touch-holes would poison the army; get you a feather, neighbour, -get you a feather, sweet oil and paper, and your piece may do -well enough yet. Where's your powder?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Green.</i> Here.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> What, in a paper? As I am a soldier and a gentleman, -it craves a martial court: you ought to die for't. Where's -your horn? Answer me to that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Green.</i> An't like you, sir, I was oblivious.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> It likes me not it should be so; 'tis a shame for you, -and a scandal to all our neighbours, being a man of worth and -estimation, to leave your horn behind you: I am afraid 'twill -breed example. But let me tell you no more on't; stand till I -view you all. What's become o' th' nose of your flask?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> Indeed, la' captain, 'twas blown away with powder.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Put on a new one at the city's charge. Where's the -flint of this piece?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Sold.</i> The drummer took it out to light tobacco.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> 'Tis a fault, my friend; put it in again. You want a -nose, and you a flint; sergeant, take a note on't, for I mean to -stop it in their pay. Remove and march; soft and fair, gentlemen, -soft and fair: double your files; as you were; faces about. -Now you with the sodden face, keep in there: look to your -match, sirrah, it will be in your fellow's flask anon. So make a -crescent now, advance your pikes, stand and give ear. Gentlemen, -countrymen, friends, and my fellow-soldiers, I have brought -you this day from the shop of security and the counters of -content, to measure out in these furious fields honour by the ell -and prowess by the pound. Let it not, O let it not, I say, be -told hereafter, the noble issue of this city fainted; but bear -yourselves in this fair action like men, valiant men, and free -men. Fear not the face of the enemy, nor the noise of the guns; -for believe me, brethren, the rude rumbling of a brewer's car is -more terrible, of which you have a daily experience: neither let -the stink of powder offend you, since a more valiant stink is -always with you. To a resolved mind his home is everywhere. -I speak not this to take away the hope of your return; for you -shall see (I do not doubt it), and that very shortly, your loving -wives again, and your sweet children, whose care doth bear you -company in baskets. Remember, then, whose cause you have -in hand, and like a sort of true-born scavengers, scour me this -famous realm of enemies. I have no more to say but this:<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span> -Stand to your tacklings, lads, and show to the world you can as -well brandish a sword as shake an apron. Saint George, and -on, my hearts!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Saint George, Saint George! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> 'Twas well done, Ralph; I'll send thee a cold capon a -field, and a bottle of March beer; and, it may be, come myself -to see thee.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Nell, the boy hath deceived me much; I did not think it -had been in him. He has perform'd such a matter, wench, that, -if I live, next year I'll have him Captain of the Gallifoist, or I'll -want my will.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Old Merry-thought</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Yet, I thank God, I break not a wrinkle more than -I had; not a stoop, boys. Care, live with cats, I defy thee! My -heart is as sound as an oak; and tho' I want drink to wet my -whistle, I can sing,</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Come no more there, boys; come no more there:</div> - <div class="i0">For we shall never, whilst we live, come any more there."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Boy</span> <i>with a coffin</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> God save you, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> It's a brave boy. Canst thou sing?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Yes, sir, I can sing, but 'tis not so necessary at this time.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Sing we, and chaunt it,</div> - <div class="i4">Whilst love doth grant it."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> Sir, sir, if you knew what I have brought you, you -would have little list to sing.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "Oh, the Mimon round,</div> - <div class="i4">Full long I have thee sought,</div> - <div class="i4">And now I have thee found,</div> - <div class="i4">And what hast thou here brought?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Boy.</i> A coffin, sir, and your dead son Jasper in it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Dead!</div> - <div class="i4">"Why farewell he:</div> - <div class="i4">Thou wast a bonny boy,</div> - <div class="i4">And I did love thee."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Then I pray you, sir, do so still.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Jasper's ghost!</div> - <div class="i4">"Thou art welcome from Stygian-lake so soon,</div> - <div class="i4">Declare to me what wondrous things</div> - <div class="i4">In Pluto's Court are done."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> By my troth, sir, I ne'er came there, 'tis too hot for -me, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> A merry ghost, a very merry ghost.</div> - <div class="i4">"And where is your true love? Oh, where is yours?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Marry look you, sir. <span class="stageright">[<i>Heaves up the coffin.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Ah ha! Art thou good at that i'faith?</div> - <div class="i5">"With hey trixie terlerie-whiskin,</div> - <div class="i5">The world it runs on wheels;</div> - <div class="i5">When the young man's frisking</div> - <div class="i5">Up goes the maiden's heels."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Mistress Merry-thought</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Michael</span> <i>within</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> What, Mr. Merry-thought, will you not let's in?</div> - <div class="i0">What do you think shall become of us?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> What voice is that that calleth at our door?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> You know me well enough, I am sure I have not -been such a stranger to you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "And some they whistled, and some they sung,</div> - <div class="i6">Hey down, down:</div> - <div class="i4">And some did loudly say,</div> - <div class="i4">Ever as the Lord Barnet's horn blew,</div> - <div class="i4">Away, Musgrave, away."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> You will not have us starve here, will you, Master</div> - <div class="i0">Merry-thought?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> Nay, good sir, be persuaded, she is my mother. If -her offences have been great against you, let your own love -remember she is yours, and so forgive her.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Luce.</i> Good Master Merry-thought, let me entreat you, I will -not be denied.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Why, Master Merry-thought, will you be a vext -thing still?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Woman, I take you to my love again, but you shall -sing before you enter; therefore despatch your song, and so -come in.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> Well, you must have your will when all's done. -Michael, what song canst thou sing, boy?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mich.</i> I can sing none forsooth but "A Lady's Daughter of -Paris," properly.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Mist. Mer.</i> <span class="stageone">[song.]</span> "It was a lady's daughter," &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Come, you're welcome home again.</div> - <div class="i4">"If such danger be in playing,</div> - <div class="i4">And jest must to earnest turn,</div> - <div class="i4">You shall go no more a-maying"——</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <span class="stageone">[within.]</span> Are you within, Sir Master Merry-thought?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Jasp.</i> It is my master's voice, good sir; go hold him in talk -whilst we convey ourselves into some inward room.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> What are you? Are you merry? You must be very -merry if you enter.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I am, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Sing, then.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Nay, good sir, open to me.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_73" id="Page_73">[Pg 73]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Sing, I say, or by the merry heart you come not in.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Well, sir, I'll sing.</div> - <div class="i3">"Fortune my foe," &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> You are welcome, sir, you are welcome: you see -your entertainment, pray you be merry.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> Oh, Master Merry-thought, I'm come to ask you</div> - <div class="i0">Forgiveness for the wrongs I offered you,</div> - <div class="i0">And your most virtuous son; they're infinite,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet my contrition shall be more than they.</div> - <div class="i0">I do confess my hardness broke his heart,</div> - <div class="i0">For which just Heav'n hath given me punishment</div> - <div class="i0">More than my age can carry; his wand'ring sprite,</div> - <div class="i0">Not yet at rest, pursues me everywhere,</div> - <div class="i0">Crying, I'll haunt thee for thy cruelty.</div> - <div class="i0">My daughter she is gone, I know not how.</div> - <div class="i0">Taken invisible, and whether living,</div> - <div class="i0">Or in grave, 'tis yet uncertain to me.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, Master Merry-thought, these are the weights</div> - <div class="i0">Will sink me to my grave. Forgive me, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Why, sir, I do forgive you, and be merry.</div> - <div class="i0">And if the wag in's lifetime play'd the knave,</div> - <div class="i0">Can you forgive him too?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <span class="mleft7">With all my heart, sir.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Speak it again, and heartily.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merch.</i> <span class="mleft11e">I do, sir.</span></div> - <div class="i0">Now by my soul I do.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> "With that came out his paramour,</div> - <div class="i4">She was as white as the lily flower,</div> - <div class="i6">Hey troul, troly loly.</div> - <div class="i4">With that came out her own dear knight,</div> - <div class="i4">He was as true as ever did fight," &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Luce</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Jasper</span>.</p> - -<p>Sir, if you will forgive 'em, clap their hands together, there's no -more to be said i' th' matter.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> I do, I do!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> I do not like this. Peace, boys, hear me one of you, -everybody's part is come to an end but Ralph's, and he's left -out.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> 'Tis long of yourself, sir, we have nothing to do with -his part.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Ralph, come away, make on him as you have done of -the rest, boys, come.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife</i>. Now, good husband, let him come out and die.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> He shall, Nell; Ralph, come away quickly and die, boy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Boy.</i> 'Twill be very unfit he should die, sir, upon no occasion, -and in a comedy too.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_74" id="Page_74">[Pg 74]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Take you no care for that, Sir Boy; is not his part at an -end, think you, when he's dead? Come away, Ralph.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span> <i>with a forked arrow through his head.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> When I was mortal, this my costive corps</div> - <div class="i0">Did lap up figs and raisins in the Strand,</div> - <div class="i0">Where sitting, I espy'd a lovely dame,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose master wrought with lingel and with awl,</div> - <div class="i0">And underground he vampéd many a boot.</div> - <div class="i0">Straight did her love prick forth me, tender sprig,</div> - <div class="i0">To follow feats of arms in warlike wise,</div> - <div class="i0">Through Waltham Desert; where I did perform</div> - <div class="i0">Many achievements, and did lay on ground</div> - <div class="i0">Huge Barbaroso, that insulting giant,</div> - <div class="i0">And all his captives soon set at liberty.</div> - <div class="i0">Then honour prick'd me from my native soil</div> - <div class="i0">Into Moldavia, where I gain'd the love</div> - <div class="i0">Of Pompiana, his beloved daughter;</div> - <div class="i0">But yet prov'd constant to the black-thumbed maid</div> - <div class="i0">Susan, and scornéd Pompiana's love.</div> - <div class="i0">Yet liberal I was, and gave her pins,</div> - <div class="i0">And money for her father's officers.</div> - <div class="i0">I then returnéd home, and thrust myself</div> - <div class="i0">In action, and by all men chosen was</div> - <div class="i0">The Lord of May, where I did flourish it,</div> - <div class="i0">With scarfs and rings, and posie in my hand.</div> - <div class="i0">After this action I preferréd was,</div> - <div class="i0">And chosen City Captain at Mile End,</div> - <div class="i0">With hat and feather, and with leading staff,</div> - <div class="i0">And train'd my men, and brought them all off clean,</div> - <div class="i0">Save one man that berayed him with the noise.</div> - <div class="i0">But all these things I, Ralph, did undertake,</div> - <div class="i0">Only for my belovéd Susan's sake.</div> - <div class="i0">Then coming home, and sitting in my shop</div> - <div class="i0">With apron blue, Death came unto my stall</div> - <div class="i0">To cheapen aquavitæ, but ere I</div> - <div class="i0">Could take the bottle down, and fill a taste,</div> - <div class="i0">Death caught a pound of pepper in his hand,</div> - <div class="i0">And sprinkled all my face and body o'er,</div> - <div class="i0">And in an instant vanishéd away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cit.</i> 'Tis a pretty fiction, i'faith.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ralph.</i> Then took I up my bow and shaft in hand,</div> - <div class="i0">And walkéd in Moorfields to cool myself,</div> - <div class="i0">But there grim cruel Death met me again,</div> - <div class="i0">And shot his forkéd arrow through my head.</div> - <div class="i0">And now I faint; therefore be warn'd by me,</div> - <div class="i0">My fellows every one, of forkéd heads.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_75" id="Page_75">[Pg 75]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Farewell, all you good boys in merry London,</div> - <div class="i0">Ne'er shall we more upon Shrove Tuesday meet,</div> - <div class="i0">And pluck down houses of iniquity.</div> - <div class="i0">My pain increaseth: I shall never more</div> - <div class="i0">When clubs are cried be brisk upon my legs,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor daub a satin gown with rotten eggs.</div> - <div class="i0">Set up a stake, oh never more I shall;</div> - <div class="i0">I die! Fly, fly, my soul, to Grocers Hall! Oh, oh, oh, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Well said, Ralph, do your obeisance to the gentlemen, -and go your ways. Well said, Ralph. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Ralph</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Methinks all we, thus kindly and unexpectedly -reconciled, should not part without a song.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Merch.</i> A good motion.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Old Mer.</i> Strike up, then.</p> - -<p class="p4"><span class="smcap">Song</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Better music ne'er was known,</div> - <div class="i0">Than a quire of hearts in one.</div> - <div class="i0">Let each other, that hath been</div> - <div class="i0">Troubled with the gall or spleen,</div> - <div class="i0">Learn of us to keep his brow</div> - <div class="i0">Smooth and plain, as yours are now.</div> - <div class="i0">Sing though before the hour of dying,</div> - <div class="i0">He shall rise, and then be crying</div> - <div class="i0">Heyho, 'tis nought but mirth</div> - <div class="i0">That keeps the body from the earth. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p4">EPILOGUS.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Cit.</i> Come, Nell, shall we go? The play's done.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Wife.</i> Nay, by my faith, George, I have more manners than -so, I'll speak to these gentlemen first. I thank you all, gentlemen, -for your patience and countenance to Ralph, a poor fatherless -child, and if I may see you at my house, it should go hard -but I would have a pottle of wine, and a pipe of tobacco for you, -for truly I hope you like the youth, but I would be glad to know -the truth. I refer it to your own discretions, whether you will -applaud him or no, for I will wink, and whilst, you shall do what -you will.—I thank you with all my heart: God give you good -night. Come, George.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_76" id="Page_76"></a></span></p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_77" id="Page_77">[Pg 77]</a></span></p> - -<h2><a name="THE_REHEARSAL" id="THE_REHEARSAL"></a><span class="smcap">The Rehearsal</span>.</h2> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="p1a">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<ul class="index"> -<li class="frst"><span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Johnson</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</li> -<li><em>Two Kings of Brentford</em>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Prince Volscius</span>.</li> -<li><em>Gentleman-Usher</em>.</li> -<li><em>Physician</em>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Drawcansir</span>.</li> -<li><em>General</em>.</li> -<li><em>Lieutenant-General</em>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Cordelio</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Tom Thimble</span>.</li> -<li><em>Fisherman</em>.</li> -<li><em>Sun</em>.</li> -<li><em>Thunder</em>.</li> -<li><em>Players</em>.</li> -<li><em>Soldiers</em>.</li> -<li><em>Two Heralds</em>.</li> -<li><div class="bigbrace">}</div></li> -<li><em>Four Cardinals</em>. <span class="smallbrace">{ </span></li> -<li><em>Mayor</em>. <span class="smallbrace">{ </span> Mutes</li> -<li><em>Judges</em> <span class="smallbrace">{ </span></li> -<li><em>Serjeant-at-Arms</em>.<span class="smallbrace">{ </span></li> -<li><span class="smcap">Amaryllis</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Cloris</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Parthenope</span>.</li> -<li><span class="smcap">Pallas</span>.</li> -<li><em>Lightning</em>.</li> -<li><em>Moon</em>.</li> -<li><em>Earth</em>.</li> -<li>Attendants of Men and Women.</li> -</ul> - </div> -</div> - - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">SCENE.—Brentford.</span></p> - - - - -<h4><a name="The_Rehearsal_PROLOGUE" id="The_Rehearsal_PROLOGUE"></a>PROLOGUE.</h4> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">We might well call this short mock-play of ours,</div> - <div class="i0">A posy made of weeds instead of flowers;</div> - <div class="i0">Yet such have been presented to your noses,</div> - <div class="i0">And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses.</div> - <div class="i0">Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night,</div> - <div class="i0">What stuff it is in which they took delight.</div> - <div class="i0">Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall</div> - <div class="i0">Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all.</div> - <div class="i0">There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein.</div> - <div class="i0">For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ</div> - <div class="i0">In spite of reason, nature, art and wit)</div> - <div class="i0">Our poets make us laugh at tragedy,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_78" id="Page_78">[Pg 78]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And with their comedies they make us cry.</div> - <div class="i0">Now critics, do your worst, that here are met;</div> - <div class="i0">For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet.</div> - <div class="i0">If you approve, I shall assume the state</div> - <div class="i0">Of those high-flyers whom I imitate:</div> - <div class="i0">And justly too, for I will teach you more</div> - <div class="i0">Than ever they would let you know before.</div> - <div class="i0">I will not only show the feats they do,</div> - <div class="i0">But give you all their reasons for 'em too.</div> - <div class="i0">Some honour may to me from hence arise;</div> - <div class="i0">But if, by my endeavours you grow wise,</div> - <div class="i0">And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise;</div> - <div class="i0">Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage,</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><a name="The_Rehearsal_ACT_I" id="The_Rehearsal_ACT_I"></a>ACT I.—<span class="smcap">Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Johnson</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my -heart: how long hast thou been in town?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you -here, I had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you -freely of all the strange new things we have heard in the country.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh -with you at all the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are -tired out with here.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. -Pray, what are our men of business doing?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour -lies another way. I love to please myself as much, and to -trouble others as little as I can; and therefore do naturally -avoid the company of those solemn fops, who, being incapable -of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are always looking -grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought men of -business.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers -are the dullest of men.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is -an owl, and your gravest beast is an ass.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well: but how dost thou pass thy time?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, -have a friend to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes -see a play; where there are such things, Frank, such -hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost made me forswear -the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid nonsense of -your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_79" id="Page_79">[Pg 79]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new -plays; and our country wits commend 'em.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of -the new kind of wits.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> New kind! what kind is that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; -fellows that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to -elevate and surprise.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand -the meaning of that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't -understand that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among -them, to express their no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I -can, what it is. Let me see; 'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, -rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, crying; and everything, but -thinking and sense.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Mr. Bayes</span> <i>passes over the stage</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Your most obsequious, and most observant, very -servant, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> No, prithee let him alone.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him.</div> - <div class="stagecenter">[<i>Goes after him.</i></div> - <div class="i3">Here he is; I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, -will you do a favour to this friend of mine?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, -but receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the -honourable title you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this—sweet -sir, your servant.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Your humble servant, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But wilt thou do me a favour, now?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, what is't?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, ay; anything.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but -I have a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it -has never yet been blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis -all new wit, and, though I say it, a better than my last; and you -know well enough how that took. In fine, it shall read, and -write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and pit, box, and gallery, -egad, with any play in Europe.<a name="FNanchor_1_1" id="FNanchor_1_1"></a><a href="#Footnote_1_1" class="fnanchor">[1]</a> This morning is its last -rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; and -if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its -virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_80" id="Page_80">[Pg 80]</a></span> -ashamed to discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in -this pocket. <span class="stageright">[<i>Puts his hand in his pocket.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new -way; but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and -I hope my friend will do so too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep -me from your company.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of -Drama Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have -found it convenient to make use of.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, helps for wit?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that -no man yet the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to -furnish out a stage, except it were by the help of these my rules.<a name="FNanchor_2_2" id="FNanchor_2_2"></a><a href="#Footnote_2_2" class="fnanchor">[2]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> What are those rules, I pray?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or -Regula Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse, -<em>alternativè</em> as you please.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I -take a book in my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's -all one; if there be any wit in't, as there is no book but has -some, I transverse it; that is, if it be prose, put it into verse -(but that takes up some time), and if it be verse, put it into -prose.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose -should be called transprosing.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter -it shall be so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can -know it. My next rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. -Pray observe.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> We hear you, sir; go on.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other -place where witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; -do you mark? but as soon as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, -and make that too my own.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of -their making you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by -art?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_81" id="Page_81">[Pg 81]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take -notice of these things.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have -you no one rule for invention?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my -pocket.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What rule can that be, I wonder?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never -trouble my head about it, as other men do; but presently turn -over this book, and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, -Montaigne, Seneca's Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, -Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the rest, have ever thought upon -this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving out a few words, or -putting in others of my own, the business is done.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a -way of wit as ever I heard of.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of -these my rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall -judge of 'em by the effects.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> We'll follow you, sir. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter three</i> <span class="smcap">Players</span> <i>on the stage</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Have you your part perfect?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Play.</i> Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand -how it is to be spoken.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd Play.</i> And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my -life what humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, -merry, or in love. I don't know what to make on't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll -tell us all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and -these hard things please forty times better than the old plain -way. For, look you, sir, the grand design upon the stage is to -keep the auditors in suspense; for to guess presently at the plot, -and the sense, tires them before the end of the first act: now -here, every line surprises you, and brings in new matter. And -then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all that -ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that -are essential to a play.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Play.</i> Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us -money, 'tis no great matter.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, -Mr.—a—. Ha' you your part ready?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_82" id="Page_82">[Pg 82]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Yes, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> But do you understand the true humour of it?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Ay, sir, pretty well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour -become her?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd Play.</i> Oh, admirably!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think -I'll make 'em call her anon, in this play?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What, I pray?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her -armour: ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That will be very well indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but—a—come, let's -sit down. Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon -which the whole plot moves and turns, and that causes the -variety of all the several accidents, which, you know, are -the things in nature that make up the grand refinement of -a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same place; as for -example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now the -people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, -the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are -divided among themselves in point of devoir and interest, how -to behave themselves equally between 'em: these kings differing -sometimes in particular; though, in the main, they agree. (I know -not whether I make myself well understood.)</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little -curious in taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand -my notion of the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their -equal ties to both, and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal -regard, as well to their own interest, as the good of the people, -make a certain kind of a—you understand me—upon which, -there do arise several disputes, turmoils, heart-burnings, and all -that—in fine, you'll apprehend it better when you see it.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exit, to call the Players.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I find the author will be very much obliged to the -players, if they can make any sense out of this.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one -thing. I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may -both serve for either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or -the epilogue for the prologue;<a name="FNanchor_3_3" id="FNanchor_3_3"></a><a href="#Footnote_3_3" class="fnanchor">[3]</a> (do you mark?) nay, they may -both serve too, egad, for any other play as well as this.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Very well; that's indeed artificial.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_83" id="Page_83">[Pg 83]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of -them would do best for the prologue? for, you must know there -is, in nature, but two ways of making very good prologues: the -one is by civility, by insinuation, good language, and all that, to—a—in -a manner, steal your plaudit from the courtesy of the -auditors: the other, by making use of some certain personal -things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring persons, as -cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being too -free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, -that I come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman -behind me, with a furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there -tell 'em plainly, that if out of good-nature, they will not like my -play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, and he shall cut my head off. -Whereupon they all clapping—a—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Ay, but suppose they don't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I -have nothing to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all -mortified at it; not at all, sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, -quoth-a!—ha, ha, ha! <span class="stageright">[<i>Walks away.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is -a fellow newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of -what's the relish, here, of the town.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have -follow'd the old plain way; but I write for some persons of -quality, and peculiar friends of mine, that understand what -flame and power in writing is; and they do me the right, sir, to -approve of what I do.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. -And then, for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend -it. Besides, sir, I have printed above a hundred sheets of -paper to insinuate the plot into the boxes;<a name="FNanchor_4_4" id="FNanchor_4_4"></a><a href="#Footnote_4_4" class="fnanchor">[4]</a> and, withal, have -appointed two or three dozen of my friends to be ready in the -pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the rest, you know, must -follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your suppose? Ha, -ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be -the prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they -see the play, you know it would be so much the better; because -then they were engag'd; for let a man write ever so well, there -are, now-a-days, a sort of persons they call critics, that, egad, -have no more wit in them than so many hobby-horses; but -they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and censure things that,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_84" id="Page_84">[Pg 84]</a></span> -egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. A sort of -envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, -and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons<a name="FNanchor_5_5" id="FNanchor_5_5"></a><a href="#Footnote_5_5" class="fnanchor">[5]</a> that, -egad, to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in -nature, the persons that do as much despise all that as—a— In -fine, I'll say no more of 'em.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; -I'm sure more than they'll e'er be able to answer.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely and <em>bonâ fide</em>, were it -not for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female -spirits, that have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, -egad, before I would e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em -live in ignorance like ingrates.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em -indeed; and, if I were in your place, now, I would do so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot -be disengag'd from;<a name="FNanchor_6_6" id="FNanchor_6_6"></a><a href="#Footnote_6_6" class="fnanchor">[6]</a> otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do -you like my hangman?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> By my troth, sir, I should like him very well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) -would you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> What other, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That's greater; I'd rather stick to that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have -been many witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll -say this is a <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">non pareillo</i>: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. -For here, sir, I make my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in -my first, you see, I strive to oblige the auditors by civility, by -good nature, good language, and all that; so, in this, by the -other way, <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">in terrorem</i>, I choose for the persons Thunder and -Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be -hang'd before they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that -lock.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty -similes in the whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_85" id="Page_85">[Pg 85]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Let's hear it, I pray you.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> 'Tis an allusion to love.</div> - <div class="i2"><a name="FNanchor_7_7" id="FNanchor_7_7"></a><a href="#Footnote_7_7" class="fnanchor">[7]</a>"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh,</div> - <div class="i3">Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky;</div> - <div class="i3">Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves,</div> - <div class="i3">And there consummate their unfinish'd loves:</div> - <div class="i3">Pensive in mud they wallow all alone,</div> - <div class="i3">And snore and gruntle to each other's moan."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>How do you like it now, ha?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to -Thunder and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, -I thank you; and I'll put it in <i>profecto</i>. Come out, Thunder -and Lightning.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i xml:lang="la" lang="la">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Thunder</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lightning</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I am the bold Thunder.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and -with a hoarse voice. I am the bold <em>Thunder</em>: pshaw! speak it -me in a voice that thunders it out indeed: I am the bold -<em>Thunder</em>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I am the bold <em>Thunder</em>.<a name="FNanchor_8_8" id="FNanchor_8_8"></a><a href="#Footnote_8_8" class="fnanchor">[8]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> The brisk Lightning, I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, you must be quick and nimble.</div> - <div class="i0">The brisk <em>Lightning</em>, I. That's my meaning.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I am the bravest Hector of the sky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> And I fair Helen, that made Hector die.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I strike men down.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> I fire the town.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> Let critics take heed how they grumble,</div> - <div class="i3">For then begin I for to rumble.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> Let the ladies allow us their graces,</div> - <div class="i3">Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces,</div> - <div class="i3">And dry up their petre to soot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> Let the critics look to't.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> Let the ladies look to't.<a name="FNanchor_9_9" id="FNanchor_9_9"></a><a href="#Footnote_9_9" class="fnanchor">[9]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_86" id="Page_86">[Pg 86]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> For Thunder will do't.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> For Lightning will shoot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I'll give you dash for dash.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Light.</i> I'll give you flash for flash.</div> - <div class="i3">Gallants, I'll singe your feather.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thun.</i> I'll thunder you together.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Both.</i> Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't,</div> - <div class="i3">we'll do't. <span class="stageright">[<i>Twice or thrice repeated.</i></span></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt ambo.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a -droll.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad.<br /> -Come, come, begin the play.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">First Player</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here -presently, he's but two doors off.<a name="FNanchor_10_10" id="FNanchor_10_10"></a><a href="#Footnote_10_10" class="fnanchor">[10]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of -tobacco. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h4>ACT II.—<span class="smcap">Scene I.</span></h4> - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Bayes</span>, <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was -done before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers -something of the plot, I begin this play with a whisper.<a name="FNanchor_11_11" id="FNanchor_11_11"></a><a href="#Footnote_11_11" class="fnanchor">[11]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Umph! very new indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Gentleman-Usher</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Physician</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher -of this sumptuous place.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_87" id="Page_87">[Pg 87]</a></span>you rule the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of -Physician.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> You hit my function right.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> And you mine.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Then let's embrace.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Come.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Come.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the -two kings of Brentford.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know -one another no better?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Very well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Sir, to conclude.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What, before he begins?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this -a pretty while without.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Where? in the tyring-room?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than -amply exacted the talents of a wary pilot; and all these -threat'ning storms, which, like impregnate clouds, hover o'er -our heads, will (when they once are grasped but by the eye of -reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings on the people.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo -should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you -then perhaps would find that——</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Whispers.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now he whispers.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Alone do you say?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> No, attended with the noble—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Who, he in grey?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Yes, and at the head of—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pray mark.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear,</div> - <div class="i3">These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't;</div> - <div class="i3">First, he—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now the other whispers.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Secondly, they—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> At it still.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now they both whisper. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt whispering.</i></span></p> -<p>Now, gentlemen, pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not -this a very odd beginning of a play?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_88" id="Page_88">[Pg 88]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the -same place?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise -your Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from -nature: I am for fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But what think you of Sir John Suckling?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> By gad, I am a better poet than he.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), -because they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of -state ought not to be divulg'd.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But then, sir, why——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of -the fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed. <span class="stageright">[<i>Goes to the door.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I -told thee?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, -and all that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some -guess at what moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go -beyond my reach.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull<a name="FNanchor_12_12" id="FNanchor_12_12"></a><a href="#Footnote_12_12" class="fnanchor">[12]</a> has informed me of -this play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see -one scene here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst -imagine has ever been the practice of the world. And then, -when he comes to what he calls good language, it is, as I told -thee, very fantastical, most abominably dull, and not one word -to the purpose.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast -seen a play or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well -acquainted with this new kind of foppery.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too -gross a fool to be laugh'd at.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most -admirably; tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter -to pen a whisper well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on -my word, you'll find it so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. -Smith there, I assure you, has written a great many fine things -already.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_89" id="Page_89">[Pg 89]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do -when you write?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then -another thing is, with what do you prepare yourself?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write -familiar things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use -of stew'd prunes only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, -I ever take physic, and let blood; for, when you would have -pure swiftness of thought, and fiery flights of fancy, you must -have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you must purge the -stomach.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for -writing.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one -of the best I have.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> In good faith, sir, and that may very well be.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: <i xml:lang="es" lang="es">Experto crede -Roberto.</i> But I must give you this caution by the way, be sure -you never take snuff,<a name="FNanchor_13_13" id="FNanchor_13_13"></a><a href="#Footnote_13_13" class="fnanchor">[13]</a> when you write.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why so, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest -plays in all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, -has promised to help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, -that shall do my business.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> II.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i class="personae">Enter the two</i> <span class="smcap">Kings</span>, <i>hand in hand</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take -notice of their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you -like it, I could make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, -writ all just so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Did you observe their whispers, brother king?</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing,</div> - <div class="i4">That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> This is now familiar, because they are both persons of -the same quality.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> S'death, this would make a man sick.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> If that design appears,</div> - <div class="i4">I'll lug them by the ears,</div> - <div class="i4">Until I make 'em crack.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_90" id="Page_90">[Pg 90]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> And so will I, i'fack.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> You must begin, <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">Ma foy</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Sweet sir, <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">Pardonnez moy</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show -their breeding.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand,</div> - <div class="i4">And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt Reges.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> This is a majestic scene indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, -egad: I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to -nibble at this; egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for -'em, I promise you. It was I, you must know, that have written -a whole play just in this very same style; it was never acted yet.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> How so?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! -it is so pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What is't?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That's impossible!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, -ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Fie, that was rude.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest -persons, and all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's -no living with 'em. I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily -believe, a whole cartload of things, every whit as good as this; -and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent rascals have turn'd 'em all -back upon my hands again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Strange fellows indeed!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to -know of this whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present -at it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the -two kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads -in at the door, just as the other went off.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That indeed would have done it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the -best things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to -gad, I have been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of -these fellows, that I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts -wholly for the service of the nursery, and mump your proud -players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman comes in, and falls -asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know was a -grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, -a knight.<a name="FNanchor_14_14" id="FNanchor_14_14"></a><a href="#Footnote_14_14" class="fnanchor">[14]</a></p> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_91" id="Page_91">[Pg 91]</a></span></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene III.</span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> How strange a captive am I grown of late!</div> - <div class="i3">Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate!</div> - <div class="i3">My love, I cannot; that is too divine:</div> - <div class="i3">And against fate what mortal dares repine?<a name="FNanchor_15_15" id="FNanchor_15_15"></a><a href="#Footnote_15_15" class="fnanchor">[15]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Chloris</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">But here she comes.</div> - <div class="i3">Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not! <span class="stageright">[<i>Lies down.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the rest. <span class="stageright">[<i>Sleeps.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the -nick? his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all -that, and swop he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must -make a simile.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you -must ever make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new -way of writing.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cloris.</i><a name="FNanchor_16_16" id="FNanchor_16_16"></a><a href="#Footnote_16_16" class="fnanchor">[16]</a> As some tall pine, which we on Ætna find</div> - <div class="i3">T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind,</div> - <div class="i3">Feeling without that flames within do play,</div> - <div class="i3">Which would consume his root and sap away;</div> - <div class="i3">He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies,</div> - <div class="i3">Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies:</div> - <div class="i3">So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears.</div> - <div class="i3">Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little -application too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to -dying, and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of -an amour. But I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I -must confess, when I writ it, I wept myself.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_92" id="Page_92">[Pg 92]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and -I am likelier to fall asleep.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman</span> <i>starts up, and says</i>—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> It is resolved! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That's all.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one -question, now, and you not be angry?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you -please; I vow to gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you -do not know me, if you say that, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has -resolved in his sleep?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, I must confess, that question is well enough -asked, for one that is not acquainted with this new way of -writing. But you must know, sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, -whereas they keep their intrigo secret, till the very last -scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you mark me?)—a—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the -plot at all?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! -I do, egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em -alone for Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of -business: pray observe it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise -discourse this, nor ill argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse -I overheard once betwixt two grand, sober, governing -persons.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IV.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Gentleman-Usher</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Physician</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our -heads together.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry -sometimes; but when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close -to it, with a snuff-box in my hand; and then I fegue it away, -i'faith.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I do just so, egad, always.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? -which I divide thus.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Yes, it must be divided so indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of -another man's opinion, before he knows what it is.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I -assure you.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_93" id="Page_93">[Pg 93]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> I divide the question into when they heard, what they -heard, and whether they heard or no.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Most admirably divided, I swear!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. -Then, as for what; why, that answers itself; for what could -they hear, but what we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of -necessity, we come to the last question, <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">videlicet</i>, whether they -heard or no.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that -question.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Your will must be a law.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Come, then, what is't I must ask?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat -a short memory.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main -politician, and this is but his pupil.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> You must ask me whether they heard us whisper.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Well, I do so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Say it then.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> This is mighty methodical.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is -no other way, egad, in business.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Did they hear us whisper?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the -word whisper: to whisper in Latin is <i xml:lang="es" lang="es">susurrare</i>, which is as -much as to say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak -softly, they heard us whisper; but then comes in the <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">quomodo</i>, -the <em>how</em>; how did they hear us whisper? why as to that, there -are two ways: the one, by chance or accident; the other, on -purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them -physic more.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, -towards the latter end of the play.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this -scene, Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, -besides, to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk -of business.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> You have done it exceeding well indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, I think this will do.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, -and nobody else will take us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_94" id="Page_94">[Pg 94]</a></span></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Not for politicians, I dare answer for it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Phys.</i> Let's then no more ourselves in vain bemoan:</div> - <div class="i3">We are not safe until we them unthrone.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ush.</i> 'Tis right:</div> - <div class="i3">And, since occasion now seems debonair,</div> - <div class="i3">I'll seize on this, and you shall take that chair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagetwo">[<i>They draw their swords, and sit in the two great -chairs upon the stage.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's now an odd surprise; the whole state's turned -quite topsy-turvy, without any pother or stir in the whole world, -egad.<a name="FNanchor_17_17" id="FNanchor_17_17"></a><a href="#Footnote_17_17" class="fnanchor">[17]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> A very silent change of government, truly, as ever I -heard of.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> It is so. And yet you shall see me bring 'em in again, -by-and-by, in as odd a way every jot.</p> - -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The Usurpers march out, flourishing their swords.</i></div> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Shirly</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Shir.</i> Heyho! heyho! what a change is here! heyday, heyday!</div> - <div class="i3">I know not what to do, nor what to say.<a name="FNanchor_18_18" id="FNanchor_18_18"></a><a href="#Footnote_18_18" class="fnanchor">[18]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_95" id="Page_95">[Pg 95]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Mr. Bayes, in my opinion, now, that gentleman might -have said a little more upon this occasion.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir, not at all; for I underwrit his part on purpose -to set off the rest.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Cry you mercy, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But pray, sir, how came they to depose the kings so -easily?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, you must know, they long had a design to -do it before; but never could put it in practice till now: and to -tell you true, that's one reason why I made 'em whisper so at -first.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Oh, very well; now I'm fully satisfied.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> And then to show you, sir, it was not done so very -easily neither, in the next scene you shall see some fighting.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Oh, oh; so then you make the struggle to be after the -business is done?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Oh, I conceive you: that, I swear, is very natural.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene V.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i>Enter four Men at one door, and four at another, with -their swords drawn.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> Stand. Who goes there?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Sold.</i> A friend.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> What friend?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Sold.</i> A friend to the house.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> Fall on! <span class="stageright">[<i>They all kill one another.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0"><span class="stageright">[<i>Music strikes.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Hold, hold. <span class="stageright">[<i>To the music. It ceases.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see</div> - <div class="i0">rise up presently, at a certain note that I have, in <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">effaut flat</i>,</div> - <div class="i0">and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? remember your</div> - <div class="i0">note in <em>effaut flat</em>.</div> - <div class="i0">Play on. <span class="stageright">[<i>To the music.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">Now, now, now! <span class="stageright">[<i>The music plays his note, and the dead men</i></span></div> - <div class="i0"><span class="stageright"><i>rise; but cannot get in order.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O Lord! O Lord! Out, out, out! did ever men spoil a good</div> - <div class="i0">thing so! no figure, no ear, no time, nothing. Udzookers, you</div> - <div class="i0">dance worse than the angels in "Harry the Eighth," or the fat</div> - <div class="i0">spirits in the "Tempest," egad.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to -this tune.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> O Lord, O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if -there be any faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two -whole nights in composing this air, and apting it for the -business; for, if you observe, there are two several designs in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_96" id="Page_96">[Pg 96]</a></span> -this tune: it begins swift, and ends slow. You talk of time, and -time; you shall see me do it. Look you, now: here I am dead.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Lies down flat upon his face.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now mark my note <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">effaut flat</i>. Strike up, music.</div> - <div class="i0">Now. <span class="stageright">[<i>As he rises up hastily, he falls down again.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">Ah, gadzookers! I have broke my nose.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate -note of yours, in <em>effaut</em>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> A plague on this old stage, with your nails, and -your tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to -act, but he must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and -all. Pray, sir, can you help me to a wet piece of brown paper?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> No, indeed, sir, I don't usually carry any about me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Sold.</i> Sir, I'll go get you some within presently.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Go, go, then; I follow you. Pray dance out the dance, -and I'll be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like -horse-men. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Like horse-men! what a plague can that be?</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Sold.</i> A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance<br /> -that Mr. Bayes found fault with so. <span class="stageright">[<i>Dance, and Exeunt.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What can this fool be doing all this while about his<br /> -nose?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Prithee let's go see. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h4>ACT III.—<span class="smcap">Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>with a paper on his nose</i>, <i>and the two Gentlemen</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, sirs, this I do, because my fancy, in this play, -is, to end every act with a dance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Faith, that fancy is very good; but I should hardly -have broke my nose for it, tho'.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That fancy I suppose is new too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's -heels; but make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. -Now, here comes in a scene of sheer wit, without any mixture -in the whole world, egad! between Prince Prettyman and his -tailor: it might properly enough be call'd a prize of wit; for -you shall see them come in one upon another snip-snap, hit for -hit, as fast as can be. First, one speaks, then presently t'other's -upon him, slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash -with a new conceit; and so eternally, eternally, egad, till they go -quite off the stage.<br /> -<span class="stageright">[<i>Goes to call the Players.</i></span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_97" id="Page_97">[Pg 97]</a></span></p> - -<p><br /><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What a plague does this fop mean, by his snip snap, -hit for hit, and dash!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Mean! why, he never meant anything in's life; -what dost talk of meaning for?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why don't you come in?</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Tom Thimble</span>.<a name="FNanchor_19_19" id="FNanchor_19_19"></a><a href="#Footnote_19_19" class="fnanchor">[19]</a></p> - -<p>This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted, -for 'tis as full of drollery as ever it can hold. 'Tis like an -orange stuff'd with cloves, as for conceit.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> But prithee, Tom Thimble, why wilt thou needs marry? -if nine tailors make but one man, what work art thou cutting -out here for thyself, trow?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Good.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thim.</i> Why, an't please your highness, if I can't make up all -the work I cut out, I shan't want journeymen enow to help me, -I warrant you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Good again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> I am afraid thy journeymen, tho', Tom, won't work -by the day.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Good still.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thim.</i> However, if my wife sits but as I do, there will be no -great danger: not half so much as when I trusted you, sir, for -your coronation-suit.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Very good, i'faith.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Why the times then liv'd upon trust; it was the fashion. -You would not be out of time, at such a time as that, sure: a -tailor, you know, must never be out of fashion.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Right.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thim.</i> I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the court-fashion, -for you never paid me yet.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a bob for the court.<a name="FNanchor_20_20" id="FNanchor_20_20"></a><a href="#Footnote_20_20" class="fnanchor">[20]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when thou art angry, -I see: thou pay'st me now, methinks.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's pay upon pay! as good as ever was written, -egad!</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_98" id="Page_98">[Pg 98]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thim.</i> Ay, sir, in your own coin; you give me nothing but -words.<a name="FNanchor_21_21" id="FNanchor_21_21"></a><a href="#Footnote_21_21" class="fnanchor">[21]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Admirable!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have another coin for -thee; for now the wars are coming on, I shall grow to be a man -of metal.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Oh, you did not do that half enough.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Methinks he does it admirably.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't: he does -not top his part.<a name="FNanchor_22_22" id="FNanchor_22_22"></a><a href="#Footnote_22_22" class="fnanchor">[22]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Thim.</i> That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, sir. I shall see -you come home, like an angel for the king's evil, with a hole -bor'd thro' you. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ha, there he has hit it up to the hilts, egad! How do -you like it now, gentlemen? is not this pure wit?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> 'Tis snip-snap, sir, as you say; but methinks not -pleasant, nor to the purpose; for the play does not go on.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Play does not go on! I don't know what you mean: -why, is not this part of the play?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes; but the plot stands still.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Plot stand still! why, what a devil is the plot good -for, but to bring in fine things?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Oh, I did not know that before.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, I think you did not, nor many things more, that I -am master of. Now, sir, egad, this is the bane of all us writers; -let us soar but never so little above the common pitch, egad, -all's spoil'd, for the vulgar never understand it; they can never -conceive you, sir, the excellency of these things.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess; but you write on still -for all that!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Write on? Ay, egad, I warrant you. 'Tis not their -talk shall stop me; if they catch me at that lock, I'll give them -leave to hang me. As long as I know my things are good, -what care I what they say? What, are they gone without singing -my last new song? 'sbud would it were in their bellies. I'll -tell you, Mr. Johnson, if I have any skill in these matters, I vow -to gad this song is peremptorily the very best that ever yet was -written: you must know it was made by Tom Thimble's first -wife after she was dead.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_99" id="Page_99">[Pg 99]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, after she was dead?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what have you to -say to that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Say? why nothing. He were a devil that had anything -to say to that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Right.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How did she come to die, pray, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Phoo! that's no matter; by a fall: but here's the -conceit, that upon his knowing she was kill'd by an accident, he -supposes, with a sigh, that she died for love of him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, ay, that's well enough; let's hear it, Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> 'Tis to the tune of "Farewell, fair Armida;" on seas, -and in battles, in bullets, and all that.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Song.</span><a name="FNanchor_23_23" id="FNanchor_23_23"></a><a href="#Footnote_23_23" class="fnanchor">[23]</a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be,</div> - <div class="i4">Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee:</div> - <div class="i4">My death's bruise pray think you gave me, tho' a fall</div> - <div class="i4">Did give it me more from the top of a wall:</div> - <div class="i4">For then if the moat on her mud would first lay,</div> - <div class="i4">And after before you my body convey:</div> - <div class="i4">The blue on my breast when you happen to see,</div> - <div class="i4">You'll say with a sigh, there's a true blue for me.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>Ha, rogues! when I am merry, I write these things as fast as -hops, egad; for, you must know, I am as pleasant a cavalier -as ever you saw; I am, i'faith.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, how comes this song in here? for -methinks there is no great occasion for it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Alack, sir, you know nothing; you must ever interlard -your plays with songs, ghosts, and dances, if you mean to—a—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Pit, box, and gallery,<a name="FNanchor_24_24" id="FNanchor_24_24"></a><a href="#Footnote_24_24" class="fnanchor">[24]</a> Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_100" id="Page_100">[Pg 100]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark you, Mr. Johnson, -you know I don't flatter; egad, you have a great deal of wit.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, nay, come, come, Mr. Johnson, i'faith this must -not be said amongst us that have it. I know you have wit, by -the judgment you make of this play; for that's the measure we -go by: my play is my touchstone. When a man tells me such -a one is a person of parts: is he so? say I; what do I do, but -bring him presently to see this play: if he likes it, I know what -to think of him; if not, your most humble servant, sir; I'll no -more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I am <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">Clara voyant</i>, -egad. Now here we go on to our business.</p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter the two</i> <span class="smcap">Usurpers</span>,<a name="FNanchor_25_25" id="FNanchor_25_25"></a><a href="#Footnote_25_25" class="fnanchor">[25]</a> <i>hand in hand</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ush.</i> But what's become of Volscius the Great;</div> - <div class="i3">His presence has not grac'd our court of late.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Phys.</i> I fear some ill, from emulation sprung,</div> - <div class="i3">Has from us that illustrious hero wrung.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Is not that majestical?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, but who the devil is that Volscius?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, that's a prince I make in love with Parthenope.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I thank you, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Cordelio</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cor.</i> My lieges, news from Volscius the prince.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ush.</i> His news is welcome, whatsoe'er it be.<a name="FNanchor_26_26" id="FNanchor_26_26"></a><a href="#Footnote_26_26" class="fnanchor">[26]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, do you mean whether it be good or bad?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience: gadzookers, -you'll spoil all my play. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to answer -every impertinent question you ask.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Cry you mercy, sir.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cor.</i> His highness, sirs, commanded me to tell you,</div> - <div class="i0">That the fair person whom you both do know,</div> - <div class="i0">Despairing of forgiveness for her fault,</div> - <div class="i0">In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt</div> - <div class="i0">Upon her precious life; but, by the care</div> - <div class="i0">Of standers-by, prevented was.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why, what stuff's here?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cor.</i> At last,</div> - <div class="i0">Volscius the Great this dire resolve embrac'd:</div> - <div class="i0">His servants he into the country sent,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_101" id="Page_101">[Pg 101]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And he himself to Piccadilly went;</div> - <div class="i0">Where he's inform'd by letters that she's dead.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ush.</i> Dead! is that possible? dead!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Phys.</i> O ye gods! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a smart expression of a passion: O ye gods! -that's one of my bold strokes, egad.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes; but who's the fair person that's dead?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That you shall know anon, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Perhaps you may find, too, by-and-by, for all this, that -she's not dead neither.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Marry, that's good news indeed. I am glad of that -with all my heart.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now here's the man brought in that is supposed to -have kill'd her. <span class="stageright">[<i>A great shout within.</i></span></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene III.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Amaryllis</span>, <i>with a book in her hand, and attendants.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> What shout triumphant's that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Soldier</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Sold.</i> Shy maid, upon the river brink, near Twic'nam town, -the false assassinate is ta'en.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Thanks to the powers above for this deliverance. I -hope,</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Its slow beginning will portend</div> - <div class="i4">A forward exit to all future end.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pish! there you are out; to all future end! no, no; to -all future <span class="smcap">END</span>! You must lay the accent upon "end," or else -you lose the conceit.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I see you are very perfect in these matters.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, one would -think, to know something.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Soldiers</span>, <i>dragging in an old</i> <span class="smcap">Fisherman</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Villain, what monster did corrupt thy mind</div> - <div class="i4">T' attack the noblest soul of human kind?</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>Tell me who set thee on.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fish.</i> Prince Prettyman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> To kill whom?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fish.</i> Prince Prettyman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to kill Prince -Prettyman?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fish.</i> No; Prince Volscius.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> To kill whom?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_102" id="Page_102">[Pg 102]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fish.</i> Prince Volscius.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> What! did Prince Volscius hire you to kill Prince -Volscius?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fish.</i> No, Prince Prettyman.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> So drag him hence,</div> - <div class="i4">Till torture of the rack produce his sense. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Mark how I make the horror of his guilt confound his -intellects; for he's out at one and t'other: and that's the design -of this scene.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I see, sir, you have a several design for every scene.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, I can dispatch -you a whole play, before another man, egad, can make an -end of his plot.</p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IV.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p>So now enter Prince Prettyman in a rage. Where the devil -is he? why, Prettyman? why, where I say? O fie, fie, fie, fie! -all's marr'd, I vow to gad, quite marr'd.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prettyman</span>.</p> - -<p>Phoo, phoo! you are come too late, sir; now you may go out -again, if you please. I vow to gad, Mr.—a—I would not give -a button for my play, now you have done this.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pret.</i> What, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> What, sir! why, sir, you should have come out in -choler, rouse upon the stage, just as the other went off. Must a -man be eternally telling you of these things?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Sure this must be some very notable matter that he's -so angry at.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I am not of your opinion.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pish! come let's hear your part, sir.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i><a name="FNanchor_27_27" id="FNanchor_27_27"></a><a href="#Footnote_27_27" class="fnanchor">[27]</a>Bring in my father: why d'ye keep him from me?</div> - <div class="i4">Altho' a fisherman, he is my father:</div> - <div class="i4">Was ever son yet brought to this distress,</div> - <div class="i4">To be, for being a son, made fatherless!</div> - <div class="i4">Ah! you just gods, rob me not of a father:</div> - <div class="i4">The being of a son take from me rather. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, Ned, what think you now?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> A devil, this is worst of all: Mr. Bayes, pray what's -the meaning of this scene?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> O cry you mercy, sir: I protest I had forgot to tell -you. Why, sir, you must know, that long before the beginning -of this play, this prince was taken by a fisherman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, taken prisoner?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Taken prisoner! O Lord, what a question's there!<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_103" id="Page_103">[Pg 103]</a></span> -did ever any man ask such a questions? Plague on him, he has -put the plot quite out of my head with this—this—question! -what was I going to say?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, Heaven knows: I cannot imagine.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Stay, let me see: taken! O 'tis true. Why, sir, as I -was going to say, his highness here, the prince, was taken in a -cradle by a fisherman, and brought up as his child!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Indeed!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, prithee, hold thy peace. And so, sir, this murder -being committed by the river-side, the fisherman, upon -suspicion, was seiz'd, and thereupon the prince grew angry.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> So, so; now 'tis very plain.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, is not this some disparagement to a -prince, to pass for a fisherman's son? Have a care of that, I -pray.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, no, not at all; for 'tis but for a while: I shall fetch -him off again presently, you shall see.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prettyman</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Thimble</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire,</div> - <div class="i3">Rather than let 'em ravish hence my sire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thim.</i> Brave Prettyman, it is at length reveal'd,</div> - <div class="i3">That he is not thy sire who thee conceal'd.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Lo, you now; there, he's off again.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Admirably done, i'faith!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, now the plot thickens very much upon us.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> What oracle this darkness can evince!</div> - <div class="i3">Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince.</div> - <div class="i3">It is a secret, great as is the world;</div> - <div class="i3">In which I, like the soul, am toss'd and hurl'd,</div> - <div class="i3">The blackest ink of Fate sure was my lot,</div> - <div class="i0">And when she writ my name, she made a blot. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a blustering verse for you now.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily troubled to find he -is not a fisherman's son?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Phoo! that is not because he has a mind to be his -son, but for fear he should be thought to be nobody's son at all.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> So, let me see.</p> - </div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene V.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Volscius</span>, <i>going out of town.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, he gave it out so; but that was only to cover his -design.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> What design?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_104" id="Page_104">[Pg 104]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, to head the army that lies conceal'd for him at -Knightsbridge.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I see here's a great deal of plot, Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, now it begins to break: but we shall have a -world of more business anon.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Volscius, Cloris, Amaryllis</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Harry</span>, -<i>with a riding-cloak and boots.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Sir, you are cruel thus to leave the town,</div> - <div class="i3">And to retire to country solitude.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Clo.</i> We hop'd this summer that we should at least</div> - <div class="i3">Have held the honour of your company.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Held the honour of your company; prettily express'd: -held the honour of your company! gadzookers, these fellows will -never take notice of anything.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely; I don't know -what he does.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis no great matter. -Come.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Pray let us two this single boon obtain!</div> - <div class="i3">That you will here, with poor us, still remain!</div> - <div class="i3">Before your horses come, pronounce our fate,</div> - <div class="i3">For then, alas, I fear 'twill be too late.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Sad!</div> - <div class="i3">Harry, my boots; for I'll go range among!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Vols.</i> My blades encamp'd, and quit this urban throng.<a name="FNanchor_28_28" id="FNanchor_28_28"></a><a href="#Footnote_28_28" class="fnanchor">[28]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But pray, Mr. Bayes, is not this a little difficult, that -you were saying e'en now, to keep an army thus conceal'd in -Knightsbridge?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> In Knightsbridge? stay.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> No, not if the inn-keepers be his friends.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> His friends! ay, sir, his intimate acquaintance; or -else indeed I grant it could not be.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, faith, so it might be very easy.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, if I do not make all things easy, egad, I'll give -you leave to hang me. Now you would think that he's going -out of town: but you shall see how prettily I have contriv'd to -stop him presently.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> By my troth, sir, you have so amaz'd me, that I know -not what to think.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_105" id="Page_105">[Pg 105]</a></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Parthenope</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Bless me! how frail are all my best resolves!</div> - <div class="i3">How, in a moment, is my purpose chang'd!</div> - <div class="i3">Too soon I thought myself secure from love.</div> - <div class="i3">Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name,<a name="FNanchor_29_29" id="FNanchor_29_29"></a><a href="#Footnote_29_29" class="fnanchor">[29]</a></div> - <div class="i3">Who does so gently rob me of my fame:</div> - <div class="i3">For I should meet the army out of town,</div> - <div class="i3">And if I fail, must hazard my renown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Par.</i> My mother, sir, sells ale by the town-walls;</div> - <div class="i3">And me her dear Parthenope she calls.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now that's the Parthenope I told you of.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, ay, egad, you are very right.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty shroud?</div> - <div class="i3">Thou bring'st the morning pictur'd in a cloud.<a name="FNanchor_30_30" id="FNanchor_30_30"></a><a href="#Footnote_30_30" class="fnanchor">[30]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> The morning pictur'd in a cloud! ah, gadzookers, what -a conceit is there!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Par.</i> Give you good even, sir. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> O inauspicious stars! that I was born</div> - <div class="i3">To sudden love, and to more sudden scorn!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> } How! Prince Volscius in love? ha, ha, ha!<a name="FNanchor_31_31" id="FNanchor_31_31"></a><a href="#Footnote_31_31" class="fnanchor">[31]</a></div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Clo.</i> } <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt laughing.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Sure, Mr. Bayes, we have lost some jest here, that they -laugh at so.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, did you not observe? he first resolves to go out -of town, and then as he's pulling on his boots, falls in love with -her; ha, ha, ha!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, and where lies the jest of that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ha? <span class="stageright">[<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Johns</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Why, in the boots: where should the jest lie?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, you are in the right: it does lie in the boots—— <span class="stagetwo">[<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</span> -Your friend and I know where a good jest lies, though you don't, -sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Much good do't you, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Here now, Mr. Johnson, you shall see a combat -betwixt love and honour. An ancient author has made a whole -play on't;<a name="FNanchor_32_32" id="FNanchor_32_32"></a><a href="#Footnote_32_32" class="fnanchor">[32]</a> but I have dispatch'd it all in this scene.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Volscius</span> <i>sits down to pull on his boots:</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>stands by, and -over-acts the part as he speaks it.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> How has my passion made me Cupid's scoff!</div> - <div class="i3">This hasty boot is on, the other off,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_106" id="Page_106">[Pg 106]</a></span> - <div class="i3">And sullen lies, with amorous design,</div> - <div class="i3">To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Prithee, mark what pains Mr. Bayes takes to act this -speech himself!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Yes, the fool, I see, is mightily transported with it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> My legs the emblem of my various thought</div> - <div class="i3">Show to what sad distraction I am brought.</div> - <div class="i3">Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot,</div> - <div class="i3">My mind is guarded, and resolv'd to do't:</div> - <div class="i3">Sometimes again, that very mind, by love</div> - <div class="i3">Disarméd, like this other leg does prove.</div> - <div class="i3">Shall I to honour or to love give way?</div> - <div class="i3">Go on, cries honour;<a name="FNanchor_33_33" id="FNanchor_33_33"></a><a href="#Footnote_33_33" class="fnanchor">[33]</a> tender love says, nay;</div> - <div class="i3">Honour aloud commands, pluck both boots on;</div> - <div class="i3">But softer love does whisper, put on none.</div> - <div class="i3">What shall I do! what conduct shall I find,</div> - <div class="i3">To lead me thro' this twilight of my mind?</div> - <div class="i3">For as bright day, with black approach of night</div> - <div class="i3">Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light;</div> - <div class="i3">So does my honour and my love together</div> - <div class="i3">Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and t'other off.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I -saw, and as equal; for 'tis determin'd on neither side.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, is't not now egad, ha? for to go off hip-hop, hip-hop, -upon this occasion, is a thousand times better than any -conclusion in the world, egad.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Indeed, Mr. Bayes, that hip-hop, in this place, as you -say, does a very great deal.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Oh, all in all, sir! they are these little things that mar, -or set you off a play; as I remember once in a play of mine, I -set off a scene, egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat, -and the gripes.<a name="FNanchor_34_34" id="FNanchor_34_34"></a><a href="#Footnote_34_34" class="fnanchor">[34]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Pray how was that, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, I contriv'd a petticoat to be brought in upon -a chair (nobody knew how) into a prince's chamber, whose -father was not to see it, that came in by chance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By-my-life, that was a notable contrivance indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Ay, but Mr. Bayes, how could you contrive the stomach-ache?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> The easiest i' th' world, egad: I'll tell you how. I -made the prince sit down upon the petticoat, no more than so, -and pretended to his father that he had just then got the gripes: -whereupon his father went out to call a physician, and his -man ran away with the petticoat.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_107" id="Page_107">[Pg 107]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, and what follow'd upon that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> On my word, Mr. Bayes, there you hit it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, it gave a world of content. And then I paid 'em -away besides; for it made them all talk beastly: ha, ha, ha, -beastly! downright beastly upon the stage, egad, ha, ha, ha! -but with an infinite deal of wit, that I must say.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That, ay, that, we know well enough, can never fail -you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, egad, can't it. Come, bring in the dance. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit to call the Players.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Now, the plague take thee for a silly, confident, unnatural, -fulsome rogue.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Players</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pray dance well before these gentlemen; you are -commonly so lazy, but you should be light and easy, tah, tah, -tah.</p> -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>All the while they dance</i>, <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>puts them out -with teaching them.</i></p> - -<p>Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am not deceiv'd, take -very well upon the stage, when they are perfect in their motions, -and all that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I am sure you -sweat hard for't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and trouble to do these -things than almost the things are worth.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> By my troth, I think so, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Not for the things themselves; for I could write you, -sir, forty of 'em in a day: but, egad, these players are such dull -persons, that if a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at -every turn, egad, they'll mistake you, sir, and spoil all.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a</i> <span class="smcap">Player</span>.</p> - -<p>What, is the funeral ready?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Play.</i> Yes, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> And is the lance fill'd with wine?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Play.</i> Sir, 'tis just now a-doing.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Stay, then, I'll do it myself.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Come, let's go with him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> A match. But, Mr. Johnson, egad, I am not like other -persons; they care not what becomes of their things, so they -can but get money for 'em: now, egad, when I write, if it be not -just as it should be in every circumstance, to every particular, -egad, I am no more able to endure it, I am not myself, I'm out -of my wits, and all that; I'm the strangest person in the whole -world: for what care I for money? I write for reputation. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_108" id="Page_108">[Pg 108]</a></span></p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT IV.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Bayes</span>, <i>and the two Gentlemen</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Gentlemen, because I would not have any two things -alike in this play, the last act beginning with a witty scene of -mirth, I make this to begin with a funeral.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> And is that all your reason for it, Mr. Bayes?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. A person of -honour, and a scholar, brought in his funeral just so;<a name="FNanchor_35_35" id="FNanchor_35_35"></a><a href="#Footnote_35_35" class="fnanchor">[35]</a> and he -was one, let me tell you, that knew as well what belong'd to a -funeral as any man in England, egad.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, if that be so, you are safe.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, but I have another device, a frolic, which I -think yet better than all this; not for the plot or characters (for, -in my heroic plays, I make no difference as to those matters), -but for another contrivance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What is that, I pray?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, I have design'd a conquest that cannot possibly, -egad, be acted in less than a whole week; and I'll speak a bold -word, it shall drum, trumpet, shout, and battle, egad, with any -the most warlike tragedy we have, either ancient or modern.<a name="FNanchor_36_36" id="FNanchor_36_36"></a><a href="#Footnote_36_36" class="fnanchor">[36]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, marry, sir, there you say something.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> And pray, sir, how have you order'd this same frolic of -yours?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Faith, sir, by the rule of romance; for example, they -divide their things into three, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as -many tomes as they please. Now I would very fain know what -should hinder me from doing the same with my things, if I -please?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Nay, if you should not be master of your own works, -'tis very hard.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That is my sense. And then, sir, this contrivance of -mine has something of the reason of a play in it too; for as -every one makes you five acts to one play, what do I, but make -five plays to one plot: by which means the auditors have every -day a new thing.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_109" id="Page_109">[Pg 109]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Most admirably good, i'faith! and must certainly take, -because it is not tedious.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, I know that; there's the main point. And -then upon Saturday to make a close of all (for I ever begin upon -a Monday), I make you, sir, a sixth play that sums up the whole -matter to 'em, and all that, for fear they should have forgot it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That consideration, Mr. Bayes, indeed I think will be -very necessary.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> And when comes in your share, pray, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> The third week.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I vow you'll get a world of money.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, faith, a man must live; and if you don't thus -pitch upon some new device, egad, you'll never do't; for this -age (take it o' my word) is somewhat hard to please. But there -is one pretty odd passage in the last of these plays, which may -be executed two several ways, wherein I'd have your opinion, -gentlemen.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> What is't, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, I make a male person to be in love with a -female.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Do you mean that, Mr. Bayes, for a new thing?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, sir, as I have order'd it. You shall hear: he -having passionately lov'd her through my five whole plays, -finding at last that she consents to his love, just after that his -mother had appear'd to him like a ghost, he kills himself: that's -one way. The other is, that she coming at last to love him, -with as violent a passion as he lov'd her, she kills herself. Now -my question is, which of these two persons should suffer upon -this occasion?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By my troth, it is a very hard case to decide.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> The hardest in the world, egad, and has puzzled this -pate very much. What say you, Mr. Smith?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why truly, Mr. Bayes, if it might stand with your -justice now, I would spare 'em both.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, and I think—ha—why then, I'll make him -hinder her from killing herself. Ay, it shall be so. Come, -come, bring in the funeral.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i class="personae">Enter a Funeral, with the two</i> <span class="smcap">Usurpers</span> <i>and Attendants</i>.</p> - -<p>Lay it down there; no, no, here, sir. So now speak.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Set down the funeral pile, and let our grief</div> - <div class="i5">Receive from its embraces some relief.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> Was't not unjust to ravish hence her breath,</div> - <div class="i5">And in life's stead, to leave us nought but death?</div> - <div class="i5">The world discovers now its emptiness,</div> - <div class="i5">And by her loss demonstrates we have less.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Is not this good language now? is not that elevate?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_110" id="Page_110">[Pg 110]</a></span> -'tis my <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">non ultra</i>, egad; you must know they were both in love -with her.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> With her! with whom?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, this is Lardella's funeral.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Lardella! ay, who is she?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a lady that was -drown'd at sea, and had a wave for her winding-sheet.<a name="FNanchor_37_37" id="FNanchor_37_37"></a><a href="#Footnote_37_37" class="fnanchor">[37]</a></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Lardella, O Lardella, from above</div> - <div class="i5">Behold the tragic issues of our love:</div> - <div class="i5">Pity us, sinking under grief and pain,</div> - <div class="i5">For thy being cast away upon the main.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Look you now, you see I told you true.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Ay, sir, and I thank you for it very kindly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, egad, but you will not have patience; honest Mr.—a—you -will not have patience.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Pray, Mr. Bayes, who is that Drawcansir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his mistress, snubs -up kings, baffles armies, and does what he will, without regard -to numbers, good manners, or justice.<a name="FNanchor_38_38" id="FNanchor_38_38"></a><a href="#Footnote_38_38" class="fnanchor">[38]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> A very pretty character!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, I thought your heroes had ever been -men of great humanity and justice.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, they have been so; but for my part, I prefer that -one quality of singly beating of whole armies, above all your -moral virtues put together, egad. You shall see him come in -presently. Zookers, why don't you read the paper? <span class="stageright">[<i>To the Players.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> O, cry you mercy. <span class="stageright">[<i>Goes to take the paper.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pish! nay you are such a fumbler. Come, I'll read it -myself.<br /> - <span class="stageright">[<i>Takes the paper from off the coffin.</i></span><br /> -Stay, it's an ill hand, I must use my spectacles. This now is -a copy of verses, which I make Lardella compose just as she is -dying, with design to have it pinn'd upon her coffin, and so read -by one of the usurpers, who is her cousin.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> A very shrewd design that, upon my word, Mr. Bayes.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> And what do you think now, I fancy her to make love -like, here, in this paper?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Like a woman: what should she make love like?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> O' my word you are out tho', sir; egad you are.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> What then, like a man?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir; like a humble-bee.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I confess, that I should not have fancy'd.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_111" id="Page_111">[Pg 111]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> It may be so, sir; but it is tho', in order to the opinion -of some of our ancient philosophers, who held the transmigration -of the soul.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Very fine.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I'll read the title: "To my dear Couz, King Physician."</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That's a little too familiar with a king, tho', sir, by -your favour, for a humble-bee.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Mr. Smith, in other things, I grant your knowledge -may be above me; but as for poetry, give me leave to say I -understand that better: it has been longer my practice; it has -indeed, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Your servant, sir.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Pray mark it. <span class="stageright">[<i>Reads.</i></span></div> - <div class="i4">"Since death my earthly part will thus remove,</div> - <div class="i4">I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love:</div> - <div class="i4">With silent wings I'll follow you, dear couz;</div> - <div class="i4">Or else, before you, in the sunbeams, buz.</div> - <div class="i4">And when to melancholy groves you come,</div> - <div class="i4">An airy ghost, you'll know me by my hum;</div> - <div class="i0">For sound, being air, a ghost does well become."<a name="FNanchor_39_39" id="FNanchor_39_39"></a><a href="#Footnote_39_39" class="fnanchor">[39]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith</i> (after a pause). Admirable!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> "At night, into your bosom I will creep,</div> - <div class="i4">And buz but softly if you chance to sleep:</div> - <div class="i4">Yet in your dreams, I will pass sweeping by,</div> - <div class="i4">And then both hum and buz before your eye."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By my troth, that's a very great promise.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to boot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> "Your bed of love from dangers I will free;</div> - <div class="i4">But most from love of any future bee.</div> - <div class="i4">And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack,</div> - <div class="i4">With empty arms I'll bear you on my back."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_112" id="Page_112">[Pg 112]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> A pick-a-pack, a pick-a-pack.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, egad, but is not that <em>tuant</em> now, ha? is it not</div> - <div class="i5"><em>tuant</em>? Here's the end.</div> - <div class="i4">"Then at your birth of immortality,</div> - <div class="i4">Like any wingéd archer hence I'll fly,</div> - <div class="i4">And teach you your first fluttering in the sky."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Oh, rare! this is the most natural, refined fancy that -ever I heard, I'll swear.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a good way -enough of making love; for, being divested of her terrestrial -part, and all that, she is only capable of these little, pretty, -amorous designs that are innocent, and yet passionate. Come, -draw your swords.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> Come, sword, come sheath thyself within this breast,</div> - <div class="i4">Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Come, dagger, come and penetrate this heart,</div> - <div class="i4">Which cannot from Lardella's love depart.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Pallas</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pal.</i> Hold, stop your murd'ring hands</div> - <div class="i3">At Pallas's commands:</div> - <div class="i3">For the supposéd dead, O kings,</div> - <div class="i3">Forbear to act such deadly things.</div> - <div class="i3">Lardella lives; I did but try</div> - <div class="i3">If princes for their loves could die.</div> - <div class="i3">Such celestial constancy</div> - <div class="i3">Shall, by the gods, rewarded be:</div> - <div class="i3">And from these funeral obsequies,</div> - <div class="i3">A nuptial banquet shall arise.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The coffin opens, and a banquet is discovered.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> So, take away the coffin. Now 'tis out. This is the -very funeral of the fair person which Volscius sent word was -dead; and Pallas, you see, has turned it into a banquet.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, but where is this banquet?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Nay, look you, sir; we must first have a dance, for joy -that Lardella is not dead. Pray, sir, give me leave to bring in -my things properly at least.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That, indeed, I had forgot; I ask your pardon.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Oh, d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will confess yourself -once in an error, Mr. Smith.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Dance.</i>]</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do find</div> - <div class="i4">The fiercest beauty, and a fiercer mind:</div> - <div class="i4">And since to thee Lardella's life we owe,</div> - <div class="i4">We'll supple statues in thy temple grow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_113" id="Page_113">[Pg 113]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> Well, since alive Lardella's found,</div> - <div class="i5">Let in full bowls her health go round.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The two Usurpers take each of them -a bowl in their hands.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> But where's the wine?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pal.</i> That shall be mine.</div> - <div class="i3">Lo, from this conquering lance</div> - <div class="i3">Does flow the purest wine of France: <span class="stageright">[<i>Fills the bowls out of her lance.</i></span></div> - <div class="i3">And to appease your hunger, I</div> - <div class="i3">Have in my helmet brought a pie:</div> - <div class="i3">Lastly, to bear a part with these,</div> - <div class="i3">Behold a buckler made of cheese.<a name="FNanchor_40_40" id="FNanchor_40_40"></a><a href="#Footnote_40_40" class="fnanchor">[40]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Vanish</i> <span class="smcap">Pallas</span>.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That's the banquet. Are you satisfied now, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> By my troth now, that is new, and more than I -expected.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, I knew this would please you; for the chief art in -poetry is to elevate your expectation, and then bring you off -some extraordinary way.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Drawcansir</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> What man is this that dares disturb our feast?</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Draw.</i> He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die;</div> - <div class="i4">And knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.<a name="FNanchor_41_41" id="FNanchor_41_41"></a><a href="#Footnote_41_41" class="fnanchor">[41]</a></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That is, Mr. Bayes, as much as to say, that though he -would rather die than not drink, yet he would fain drink for all -that too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Right; that's the conceit on't.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, there are some critics that have advis'd me to -put out the second <em>dare</em>, and print <em>must</em> in the place on't;<a name="FNanchor_42_42" id="FNanchor_42_42"></a><a href="#Footnote_42_42" class="fnanchor">[42]</a> but, -egad, I think 'tis better thus a great deal.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Whoo! a thousand times.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Go on then.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Sir, if you please, we should be glad to know,</div> - <div class="i4">How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Is not that now like a well-bred person, egad? so -modest, so gent!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> O very like.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_114" id="Page_114">[Pg 114]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Draw.</i> You shall not know how long I here will stay;</div> - <div class="i4">But you shall know I'll take your bowls away.<a name="FNanchor_43_43" id="FNanchor_43_43"></a><a href="#Footnote_43_43" class="fnanchor">[43]</a></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Snatches the bowls out of the kings' hands and drinks them off.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, is that, too, modest and gent?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, egad, sir, but 'tis great.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Tho', brother, this grum stranger be a clown,</div> - <div class="i4">He'll leave us sure a little to gulp down.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Draw.</i> Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dare think,</div> - <div class="i4">I'll stare away his very power to drink,<a name="FNanchor_44_44" id="FNanchor_44_44"></a><a href="#Footnote_44_44" class="fnanchor">[44]</a></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The two Kings sneak off the stage with their attendants.</i></div> - <div class="i4">I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare;</div> - <div class="i4">And all this I can do because I dare.<a name="FNanchor_45_45" id="FNanchor_45_45"></a><a href="#Footnote_45_45" class="fnanchor">[45]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I suppose, Mr. Bayes, this is the fierce hero you -spoke of?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes; but this is nothing. You shall see him in the -last act win above a dozen battles, one after another, egad, as -fast as they can possibly come upon the stage.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That will be a fight worth the seeing, indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But pray, Mr. Bayes, why do you make the kings let -him use them so scurvily?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Phoo! that's to raise the character of Drawcansir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> O' my word, that was well thought on.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, sirs, I'll show you a scene indeed; or rather, -indeed, the scene of scenes. 'Tis an heroic scene.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> And pray, what's your design in this scene?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, forc'd conceit, -smooth verse and a rant; in fine, if this scene don't take, -egad, I'll write no more. Come, come in, Mr.—a—nay, -come in as many as you can. Gentlemen, I must desire you -to remove a little, for I must fill the stage.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why fill the stage?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Oh, sir, because your heroic verse never sounds well -but when the stage is full.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_115" id="Page_115">[Pg 115]</a></span></p> - -<h4>SCENE II.</h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Volscius</span>.</p> - -<p>Nay, hold, hold; pray by your leave a little. Look you, sir, the -drift of this scene is somewhat more than ordinary; for I make -'em both fall out because they are not in love with the same -woman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Not in love? You mean, I suppose, because they are -in love, Mr. Bayes?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, sir; I say not in love; there's a new conceit for -you. Now speak.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Since fate, Prince Volscius, now has found the way</div> - <div class="i3">For our so long'd-for meeting here this day,</div> - <div class="i3">Lend thy attention to my grand concern.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> I gladly would that story from thee learn;</div> - <div class="i3">But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline;</div> - <div class="i3">Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Antithesis! thine and mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Since love itself's the same, why should it be</div> - <div class="i3">Diff'ring in you from what it is in me?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Reasoning! egad, I love reasoning in verse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Love takes, caméleon-like, a various dye</div> - <div class="i3">From every plant on which itself doth lie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Simile!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Let not thy love the course of nature fright:</div> - <div class="i3">Nature does most in harmony delight.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> How weak a deity would nature prove,</div> - <div class="i3">Contending with the powerful god of love!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a great verse!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine</div> - <div class="i3">Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine.</div> - <div class="i3">Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale;</div> - <div class="i3">And her bright flames make all flames else look pale.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Egad, that is right.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Perhaps dull incense may thy love suffice;</div> - <div class="i3">But mine must be ador'd with sacrifice.</div> - <div class="i3">All hearts turn ashes, which her eyes control:</div> - <div class="i3">The body they consume, as well as soul.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> My love has yet a power more divine;</div> - <div class="i3">Victims her altars burn not, but refine;</div> - <div class="i3">Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost,</div> - <div class="i3">But, with her looks, revive still as they roast.</div> - <div class="i3">In spite of pain and death they're kept alive;</div> - <div class="i3">Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That is as well, egad, as I can do.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Let my Parthenope at length prevail.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_116" id="Page_116">[Pg 116]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Civil, egad.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> I'll sooner have a passion for a whale;</div> - <div class="i3">In whose vast bulk, tho' store of oil doth lie,</div> - <div class="i3">We find more shape, more beauty in a fly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> That's uncivil, egad.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes; but as far-fetched a fancy, tho', egad, as e'er -you saw.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pretence</div> - <div class="i3">Of perfect love defame love's excellence:</div> - <div class="i3">Parthenope is, sure, as far above</div> - <div class="i3">All other loves, as above all is Love.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ah! egad, that strikes me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> To blame my Cloris, gods would not pretend—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now mark—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Were all gods join'd, they could not hope to mend</div> - <div class="i3">My better choice: for fair Parthenope</div> - <div class="i3">Gods would themselves un-god themselves to see.<a name="FNanchor_46_46" id="FNanchor_46_46"></a><a href="#Footnote_46_46" class="fnanchor">[46]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now the rant's a-coming.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Durst any of the gods be so uncivil,</div> - <div class="i3">I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil.<a name="FNanchor_47_47" id="FNanchor_47_47"></a><a href="#Footnote_47_47" class="fnanchor">[47]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, gadzookers, that's well writ!</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Scratching his head, his peruke falls off.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Could'st thou that god from heaven to earth translate,</div> - <div class="i3">He could not fear to want a heav'nly state;</div> - <div class="i3">Parthenope, on earth, can heav'n create.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Cloris does heav'n itself so far excel,</div> - <div class="i3">She can transcend the joys of heav'n in hell.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a bold flight for you now! 'sdeath, I have lost -my peruke. Well, gentlemen, this is what I never yet saw any -one could write, but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all -through, egad. So, so, pray clear the stage. <span class="stageone">[<i>He puts 'em off the stage.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I wonder how the coxcomb has got the knack of -writing smooth verse thus.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why, there's no need of brain for this: 'tis but -scanning the labours on the finger; but where's the sense of it?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_117" id="Page_117">[Pg 117]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Oh! for that he desires to be excus'd: he is too proud -a man to creep servilely after sense, I assure you.<a name="FNanchor_48_48" id="FNanchor_48_48"></a><a href="#Footnote_48_48" class="fnanchor">[48]</a> But pray, -Mr. Bayes, why is this scene all in verse? -<em>Bayes.</em> Oh, sir, the subject is too great for prose.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well said, i'faith; I'll give thee a pot of ale for that -answer; 'tis well worth it.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Come, with all my heart.</div> - <div class="i4">I'll make that god subscribe himself a devil;</div> - <div class="i4">That single line, egad, is worth all that my brother poets ever writ.</div> - <div class="i4">Let down the curtain. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><span class="smcap">ACT. V.—Scene I.</span></h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Bayes</span>, <i>and the two Gentlemen</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll show you -the greatest scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, -for those I don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. -In fine, I'll justify it to be as grand to the eye every whit, egad, -as that great scene in "Harry the Eighth," and grander too, -egad; for instead of two bishops, I bring in here four cardinals.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p><span class="stageone">[<i>The curtain is drawn up</i></span>, <i>the two usurping Kings appear -in state with the four Cardinals,</i> <span class="smcap">Prince Prettyman, -Prince Volscius, Amaryllis, Cloris, Parthenope</span>. <i>&c.</i>, -<i>before them</i>, <i>Heralds and Sergeants-at-arms</i>, -<i>with maces</i>.</p></blockquote> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the -cardinals are in hats, and the other in caps?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, sir, because—— By gad I won't tell you. Your -country friend, sir, grows so troublesome—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Now, sir, to the business of the day.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> Speak, Volscius.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Vols.</i> Dread sovereign lords, my zeal to you must not invade -my duty to your son; let me entreat that great Prince Prettyman -first to speak; whose high pre-eminence in all things, that -do bear the name of good, may justly claim that privilege.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Here it begins to unfold; you may perceive, now, that -he is his son.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to you for -that discovery.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_118" id="Page_118">[Pg 118]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Royal father, upon my knees I beg,</div> - <div class="i3">That the illustrious Volscius first be heard.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Vols.</i> That preference is only due to Amaryllis, sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> I'll make her speak very well, by-and-by, you shall see.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Invincible sovereigns—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Soft music.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?<a name="FNanchor_49_49" id="FNanchor_49_49"></a><a href="#Footnote_49_49" class="fnanchor">[49]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Phys.</i> Sure 'tis the music of the moving spheres.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pret.</i> Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far</div> - <div class="i3">A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car;</div> - <div class="i3">In which our two right kings sit one by one,</div> - <div class="i3">With virgins' vests, and laurel garlands on.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">K. Ush.</i> Then, brother Phys., 'tis time we should be gone.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, and go away.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Look you now, did not I tell you, that this would be as -easy a change as the other?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, faith, you did so; tho' I confess I could not -believe you: but you have brought it about, I see.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p><span class="stageone">[<i>The two right kings of Brentford descend in the -clouds, singing, in white garments; and three -fiddlers sitting before them, in green.</i></span></p></blockquote> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now, because the two right kings descend from above,</div> - <div class="i3">I make 'em sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Haste, brother king, we are sent from above.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Let us move, let us move;</div> - <div class="i5">Move to remove the fate</div> - <div class="i5">Of Brentford's long united state.<a name="FNanchor_50_50" id="FNanchor_50_50"></a><a href="#Footnote_50_50" class="fnanchor">[50]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_119" id="Page_119">[Pg 119]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Tarra, ran, tarra, full east and by south.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> We sail with thunder in our mouth,</div> - <div class="i3">In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays;</div> - <div class="i3">Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along,</div> - <div class="i3">Mounted upon warm Phœbus's rays,</div> - <div class="i3">Through the heavenly throng,</div> - <div class="i3">Hasting to those</div> - <div class="i3">Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty-toes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> And we'll fall with our plate</div> - <div class="i5"> In an <i xml:lang="it" lang="it">ollio</i> of hate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> But now supper's done, the servitors try,</div> - <div class="i5">Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> They gather, they gather hot custards in spoons:</div> - <div class="i5">But alas, I must leave these half-moons,</div> - <div class="i5">And repair to my trusty dragoons.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Oh, stay, for you need not as yet go astray:</div> - <div class="i3">The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our way,</div> - <div class="i3">And on their high ropes we will play</div> - <div class="i3">Like maggots in filberts we'll snug in our shell,</div> - <div class="i5">We'll frisk in our shell,</div> - <div class="i5">We'll frisk in our shell,</div> - <div class="i6">And farewell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> But the ladies have all inclination to dance,</div> - <div class="i5">And the green frogs croak out a coranto of France.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Is not that pretty, now? The fiddlers are all in green.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Ay, but they play no coranto.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Johns.</i> No, but they play a tune that's a great deal better.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No coranto, quoth-a! that's a good one, with all my -heart. Come, sing on.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Now mortals that hear</div> - <div class="i7">How we tilt and career,</div> - <div class="i7">With wonder will fear</div> - <div class="i3">The event of such things as shall never appear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_120" id="Page_120">[Pg 120]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Stay you to fulfil what the gods have decreed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Then call me to help you, if there shall be need.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford king,</div> - <div class="i5">To save the distress'd, and help to 'em to bring,</div> - <div class="i5">That ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow,</div> - <div class="i5">He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla.</div> - <div class="i5"><span class="stagetwo">[<span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>fillips his finger, and sings after them.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> "He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla." -This, sir, you must know, I thought once to have brought in -with a conjuror.<a name="FNanchor_51_51" id="FNanchor_51_51"></a><a href="#Footnote_51_51" class="fnanchor">[51]</a></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, that would have been better.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, faith, not when you consider it; for thus it is more -compendious, and does the thing every whit as well.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Thing! what thing?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, bring 'em down again into the throne, sir. What -thing would you have?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, but methinks the sense of this song is not very -plain!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Plain! why, did you ever hear any people in clouds -speak plain? They must be all for flight of fancy at its full -range, without the least check or control upon it. When once -you tie up spirits and people in clouds, to speak plain, you -spoil all.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Bless me, what a monster's this!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>The two Kings light out of the clouds, and</i> -<i>step into the throne.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> I do agree; but first, let's have a dance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But -first, let's have a dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do -it always just so: for it must be done as if it were the effect of -thought and premeditation. But first, let's have a dance; pray -remember that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue, -there's no enduring of him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> No, prithee make use of thy patience a little longer, -let's see the end of him now. <span class="stageright">[<i>Dance a grand dance.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> This, now, is an ancient dance, of right belonging to -the Kings of Brentford; but since derived, with a little alteration, -to the Inns of Court.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>An Alarm. Enter two Heralds.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> What saucy groom molests our privacies?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Her.</i> The army's at the door, and in disguise,</div> - <div class="i4">Desires a word with both your majesties.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_121" id="Page_121">[Pg 121]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Her.</i> Having from Knightsbridge hither marched by stealth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> Bid 'em attend awhile, and drink our health.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, Mr. Bayes, the army in disguise!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them, that -went out but just now.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why, what if they had discover'd them?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, then they had broke the design.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Here take five guineas for those warlike men.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> And here's five more, that makes the sum just ten.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Her.</i> We have not seen so much, the Lord knows when. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt Heralds.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Speak on, brave Amaryllis.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Ama.</i> Invincible sovereigns, blame not my modesty, if at this<br /> -grand conjuncture—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Drum beats behind the stage.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st King.</i> What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes?</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter a Soldier with his sword drawn.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Sold.</i> Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons save,</div> - <div class="i3">For the event of war no mortal knows:<a name="FNanchor_52_52" id="FNanchor_52_52"></a><a href="#Footnote_52_52" class="fnanchor">[52]</a></div> - <div class="i3">The army, wrangling for the gold you gave,</div> - <div class="i3">First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Is not that now a pretty kind of a stanza, and a handsome -come-off?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd King.</i> O dangerous estate of sovereign power!</div> - <div class="i5">Obnoxious to the change of every hour.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st King.</i> Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay;</div> - <div class="i5">Perhaps these threatning storms may pass away. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us just now, to -make Amaryllis speak very well?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, whether you would or no?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that I vow to gad, it was not -to be avoided.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Marry, that was hard.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, pray, who hinder'd her?</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_122" id="Page_122">[Pg 122]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming in at the door: -and I'll tell you now a strange thing; tho' I don't pretend to do -more than other men, egad, I'll give you both a whole week to -guess how I'll represent this battle.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I had rather be bound to fight your battle, I assure -you, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Whoo! there's it now: fight a battle! there's the -common error. I knew presently where I should have you. -Why, pray, sir, do but tell me this one thing: can you think it -a decent thing, in a battle before ladies, to have men run their -swords thro' one another, and all that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> No, faith, 'tis not civil.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Right; on the other side, to have a long relation of -squadrons here, and squadrons there: what is it, but dull prolixity?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Excellently reason'd, by my troth!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those indecorums, I sum -up the whole battle in the representation of two persons only, -no more: and yet so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear -ten thousand men were at it really engag'd. Do you mark -me?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Yes, sir: but I think I should hardly swear tho', for all -that.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> By my troth, sir, but you would tho', when you see it: -for I make 'em both come out in armour <em>cap-a-pie</em>, with their -swords drawn, and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrist; -which, you know, represents fighting enough.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, ay; so much, that if I were in your place, I would -make 'em go out again, without ever speaking one word.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> No, there you are out; for I make each of 'em hold a -lute in his hand.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How, sir, instead of a buckler?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> O Lord, O Lord! instead of a buckler? pray, sir, do -you ask no more questions. I make 'em, sirs, play the battle <em>in -recitativo</em>. And here's the conceit just at the very same instant -that one sings, the other, sir, recovers you his sword, and puts -himself into a warlike posture: so that you have at once your -ear entertain'd with music and good language, and your eye -satisfied with the garb and accoutrements of war.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I confess, sir, you stupefy me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> You shall see.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting? -for I love those plays where they cut and slash one another upon -the stage for a whole hour together.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both -ways: but you shall have my <em>recitativo</em> first.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, now you are right: there is nothing that can be -objected against it.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_123" id="Page_123">[Pg 123]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> True: and so, egad, I'll make it too a tragedy in a -trice.<a name="FNanchor_53_53" id="FNanchor_53_53"></a><a href="#Footnote_53_53" class="fnanchor">[53]</a></p> - -<p><span class="stageone"><i>Enter at several doors the</i> <span class="smcap">General</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Lieutenant-General</span>, -<i>arm'd cap-a-pie</i>, <i>with each of them a lute in his -hand</i>, <i>and a sword drawn</i>, <i>and hung with a scarlet ribbon -at his wrist</i>.<a name="FNanchor_54_54" id="FNanchor_54_54"></a><a href="#Footnote_54_54" class="fnanchor">[54]</a></span></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> Villain, thou liest!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Arm, arm, Gonsalvo,<a name="FNanchor_55_55" id="FNanchor_55_55"></a><a href="#Footnote_55_55" class="fnanchor">[55]</a> arm, what, ho!</div> - <div class="i3">The lie no flesh can brook, I trow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> Advance from Acton with the musqueteers.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers.<a name="FNanchor_56_56" id="FNanchor_56_56"></a><a href="#Footnote_56_56" class="fnanchor">[56]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> The band you boast of Chelsea cuirassiers,</div> - <div class="i6">Shall, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers.<a name="FNanchor_57_57" id="FNanchor_57_57"></a><a href="#Footnote_57_57" class="fnanchor">[57]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Chiswickians, aged and renown'd in fight,</div> - <div class="i3">Join with the Hammersmith brigade.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> You'll find my Mortlake boys will do them right,</div> - <div class="i6">Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Let the left wing of Twick'nam foot advance,</div> - <div class="i3">And line that eastern hedge.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> The horse I rais'd in Petty-France</div> - <div class="i6">Shall try their chance,</div> - <div class="i6">And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Stand: give the word.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> Bright sword.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> That may be thine.</div> - <div class="i3">But 'tis not mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_124" id="Page_124">[Pg 124]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> Give fire, give fire, at once give fire,</div> - <div class="i6">And let those recreant troops perceive mine ire.<a name="FNanchor_58_58" id="FNanchor_58_58"></a><a href="#Footnote_58_58" class="fnanchor">[58]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Gen.</i> Pursue, pursue; they fly</div> - <div class="i3">That first did give the lie. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> This now is not improper, I think; because the -spectators know all these towns, and may easily conceive them -to be within the dominions of the two Kings of Brentford.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Most exceeding well design'd!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to -this battle?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> How?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> By an eclipse; which, let me tell you, is a kind of -fancy that was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself, -and one person more, that shall be nameless.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Lieutenant-General</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lieut.-Gen.</i> What midnight darkness does invade the day,</div> - <div class="i3">And snatch the victor from his conquer'd prey?</div> - <div class="i3">Is the sun weary of this bloody fight,</div> - <div class="i3">And winks upon us with the eye of light!</div> - <div class="i3">'Tis an eclipse! this was unkind, O moon,</div> - <div class="i3">To clap between me and the sun so soon.</div> - <div class="i3">Foolish eclipse! thou this in vain hast done;</div> - <div class="i3">My brighter honour had eclips'd the sun:</div> - <div class="i3">But now behold eclipses two in one. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> This is an admirable representation of a battle as ever -I saw.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ay, sir; but how would you fancy now to represent an -eclipse?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Why, that's to be suppos'd.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Suppos'd! ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, -ha! why, you may as well suppose the whole play. No, it -must come in upon the stage, that's certain; but in some odd -way, that may delight, amuse, and all that. I have a conceit -for't, that I am sure is new, and I believe to the purpose.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> How's that?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a -dialogue between Phœbus and Aurora, in the "Slighted Maid," -which, by my troth, was very pretty; but I think you'd confess -this is a little better.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_125" id="Page_125">[Pg 125]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns</i>. No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes, a great deal better.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>hugs</i> <span class="smcap">Johnson</span>, <i>then turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Ah, dear rogue! But—a—sir, you have heard, I -suppose, that your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an -interposition of the earth between the sun and moon; as likewise -your eclipse of the sun is caus'd by an interlocation of the moon -betwixt the earth and the sun.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> I have heard some such thing indeed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and -moon come out upon the stage, and dance the hey. Hum! and -of necessity, by the very nature of this dance, the earth must be -sometimes between the sun and the moon, and the moon -between the earth and sun: and there you have both eclipses by -demonstration.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> That must needs be very fine, truly.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, that there may -be something in't, too, of a joke, I bring 'em in all singing; and -make the moon sell the earth a bargain. Come, come out, -eclipse, to the tune of "Tom Tyler."</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Luna</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> Orbis, O Orbis!</div> - <div class="i4">Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Earth</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Orb.</i> Who calls Terra-firma, pray?<a name="FNanchor_59_59" id="FNanchor_59_59"></a><a href="#Footnote_59_59" class="fnanchor">[59]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> Luna, that ne'er shines by day.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Orb.</i> What means Luna in a veil?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> Luna means to show her tail.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's the bargain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Sol</span>, <i>to the tune of</i> "Robin Hood."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Sol.</i> Fie, sister, fie; thou makest me muse,</div> - <div class="i6">Derry down, derry down,</div> - <div class="i3">To see thee Orb abuse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_126" id="Page_126">[Pg 126]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> I hope his anger 'twill not move;</div> - <div class="i4">Since I show'd it out of love.</div> - <div class="i10">Hey down, derry down.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Orb.</i> Where shall I thy true love know,</div> - <div class="i3">Thou pretty, pretty moon?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> To-morrow soon, ere it be noon,</div> - <div class="i3">On Mount Vesuvio.<a name="FNanchor_60_60" id="FNanchor_60_60"></a><a href="#Footnote_60_60" class="fnanchor">[60]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Sol.</i> Then I will shine <span class="stageright">[<i>To the tune of</i> "Trenchmore." <i>Bis.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Orb.</i> And I will be fine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Luna.</i> And I will drink nothing but Lippara wine.<a name="FNanchor_61_61" id="FNanchor_61_61"></a><a href="#Footnote_61_61" class="fnanchor">[61]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> And we, &c. <span class="stageright">[<i>As they dance the hey</i>, <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>speaks</i>.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Now the earth's before the moon: now the moon's -before the sun: there's the eclipse again.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> He's mightily taken with this, I see.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he choose?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> So, now, vanish eclipse, and enter t'other battle, and -fight. Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting -enough.</p> - -<blockquote><p class="stagecentre">[<i>A battle is fought between foot and great hobby-horses. At -last</i>, <span class="smcap">Drawcansir</span> <i>comes in and kills them all on both -sides. All the while the battle is fighting</i>, <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>is telling -them when to shout</i>, <i>and shouts with 'em</i>.</p></blockquote> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Draw.</i> Others may boast a single man to kill;</div> - <div class="i3">But I the blood of thousands daily spill.</div> - <div class="i3">Let petty kings the names of parties know:</div> - <div class="i3">Where'er I come, I slay both friend and foe.</div> - <div class="i3">The swiftest horse-men my swift rage controls,</div> - <div class="i3">And from their bodies drives their trembling souls.</div> - <div class="i3">If they had wings, and to the gods could fly,</div> - <div class="i3">I would pursue and beat 'em through the sky;</div> - <div class="i3">And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see</div> - <div class="i3">This single arm more dreadful is than he. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs. You may -talk of your Hectors, and Achilles's, and I know not who; but I -defy all your histories, and your romances too, to show me one -such conqueror, as this Drawcansir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> I swear, I think you may.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? -for I see none alive to help 'em.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Go off! why, as they came on, upon their legs: how -should they go off? Why, do you think the people here don't -know they are not dead? he is mighty ignorant, poor man: your<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_127" id="Page_127">[Pg 127]</a></span> -friend here is very silly, Mr. Johnson; egad, he is. Ha, ha, ha! -Come, sir, I'll show you how they shall go off. Rise, rise, sirs, -and go about your business.<a name="FNanchor_62_62" id="FNanchor_62_62"></a><a href="#Footnote_62_62" class="fnanchor">[62]</a> There's go off for you now; ha, -ha, ha! Mr. Ivory, a word. Gentlemen, I'll be with you -presently. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Johns.</i> Will you so? Then we'll be gone.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Smith.</i> Ay, prithee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing.<br /> -One battle more will take mine quite away. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Players</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Where are the gentlemen?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> They are gone, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Gone! 'sdeath, this act is best of all. I'll go fetch -'em again. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> What shall we do, now he is gone away?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Play.</i> Why, so much the better; then let's go to dinner.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd Play.</i> Stay, here's a foul piece of paper. Let's see what 'tis.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd or 4th Play.</i> Ay, ay, come, let's hear it. <span class="stageright">[<i>Reads. The argument of the fifth act.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">3rd Play.</i> "Cloris, at length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's -passion, consents to marry him; but just as they are -going to church, Prince Prettyman meeting, by chance, with old -Joan, the chandler's widow, and remembering it was she that -first brought him acquainted with Cloris; out of a high point -of honour, breaks off his match with Cloris, and marries old -Joan. Upon which, Cloris, in despair, drowns herself; and -Prince Prettyman, discontentedly, walks by the river-side."——This -will never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Most of the Players.</i> Ay, plague on't, let's go away. -<span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span><br /></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> A plague on 'em both for me! they have made me -sweat, to run after 'em. A couple of senseless rascals, that had -rather go to dinner, than see this play out, with a plague to 'em. -What comfort has a man to write for such dull rogues! Come, -Mr.—a—where are you, sir? Come away, quick, quick.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Stage-keeper</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Stage-keep.</i> Sir: they are gone to dinner.</p> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_128" id="Page_128">[Pg 128]</a></span></p> -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> Yes, I know the gentlemen are gone; but I ask for -the players.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Stage-keep.</i> Why, an't please your worship, sir, the players -are gone to dinner too.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> How! are the players gone to dinner? 'tis impossible: -the players gone to dinner! egad, if they are, I'll make 'em -know what it is to injure a person that does them the honour to -write for 'em, and all that. A company of proud, conceited, -humorous, cross-grain'd persons, and all that. Egad, I'll make -'em the most contemptible, despicable, inconsiderable persons, -and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. Egad, I'll be -revenged on 'em; I'll sell this play to the other house.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Stage-keep.</i> Nay, good sir, don't take away the book; you'll -disappoint the company that comes to see it acted here this -afternoon.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> That's all one, I must reserve this comfort to myself, -my play and I shall go together; we will not part, indeed, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Stage-keep.</i> But what will the town say, sir?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Bayes.</i> The town! why, what care I for the town? Egad, the -town has us'd me as scurvily as the players have done: but I'll -be reveng'd on them too; for I'll lampoon 'em all. And since -they will not admit of my plays, they shall know what a satirist -I am. And so farewell to this stage, egad, for ever. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Bayes</span>.</span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Players</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Come, then, let's set up bills for another play.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Play.</i> Ay, ay; we shall lose nothing by this, I warrant -you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> I am of your opinion. But before we go, let's see -Haynes and Shirley practise the last dance; for that may serve -us another time.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">2nd Play.</i> I'll call 'em in: I think they are but in the tyring-room. <span class="stageright">[<i>The dance done.</i>]</span><br /></p> - -<p><i class="personae">1st Play.</i> Come, come; let's go away to dinner. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></span><br /></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<h4>EPILOGUE.</h4> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The play is at an end, but where's the plot?</div> - <div class="i0">That circumstance our poet Bayes forgot.</div> - <div class="i0">And we can boast, tho' 'tis a plotting age,</div> - <div class="i0">No place is freer from it than the stage.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_129" id="Page_129">[Pg 129]</a></span> - <div class="i0">The ancients plotted, tho', and strove to please</div> - <div class="i0">With sense that might be understood with ease;</div> - <div class="i0">They every scene with so much wit did store,</div> - <div class="i0">That who brought any in, went out with more.</div> - <div class="i0">But this new way of wit does so surprise,</div> - <div class="i0">Men lose their wits in wond'ring where it lies.</div> - <div class="i0">If it be true, that monstrous births presage</div> - <div class="i0">The following mischiefs that afflict the age,</div> - <div class="i0">And sad disasters to the state proclaim;</div> - <div class="i0">Plays without head or tail may do the same.</div> - <div class="i0">Wherefore for ours, and for the kingdom's peace,</div> - <div class="i0">May this prodigious way of writing cease.</div> - <div class="i0">Let's have at least, once in our lives, a time</div> - <div class="i0">When we may hear some reason, not all rhyme.</div> - <div class="i0">We have this ten years felt its influence;</div> - <div class="i0">Pray let this prove a year of prose and sense.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_130" id="Page_130"></a><br /><a name="Page_131" id="Page_131">[Pg 131]</a></span></p> - - - -<h2><a name="THE_SPLENDID_SHILLING" id="THE_SPLENDID_SHILLING"></a><span class="smcap">The Splendid Shilling.</span></h2> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i11">"Sing, heavenly Muse,</div> - <div class="i3">Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme,</div> - <div class="i3">A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Happy the man, who void of cares and strife,</div> - <div class="i0">In silken, or in leathern purse retains</div> - <div class="i0">A Splendid Shilling. He nor hears with pain</div> - <div class="i0">New oysters cry'd, nor sighs for cheerful ale;</div> - <div class="i0">But with his friends when nightly mists arise,</div> - <div class="i0">To Juniper's Magpye, or Town Hall<a name="FNanchor_63_63" id="FNanchor_63_63"></a><a href="#Footnote_63_63" class="fnanchor">[63]</a> repairs:</div> - <div class="i0">Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye</div> - <div class="i0">Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames,</div> - <div class="i0">Cloe, or Philips, he each circling glass</div> - <div class="i0">Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love.</div> - <div class="i0">Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale,</div> - <div class="i0">Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint.</div> - <div class="i0">But I, whom griping penury surrounds,</div> - <div class="i0">And hunger, sure attendant upon want,</div> - <div class="i0">With scanty offals, and small acid tiff,</div> - <div class="i0">Wretched repast! my meagre corps sustain:</div> - <div class="i0">Then solitary walk, or doze at home</div> - <div class="i0">In garret vile, and with a warming puff</div> - <div class="i0">Regale chill'd fingers; or from tube as black</div> - <div class="i0">As winter-chimney, or well polish'd jet,</div> - <div class="i0">Exhale Mundungus, ill perfuming scent:</div> - <div class="i0">Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size</div> - <div class="i0">Smokes Cambro-Briton, vers'd in pedigree,</div> - <div class="i0">Sprung from Cadwalador and Arthur, kings</div> - <div class="i0">Full famous in romantic tale, when he</div> - <div class="i0">O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff,</div> - <div class="i0">Upon a cargo of fam'd Cestrian cheese,</div> - <div class="i0">High over-shadowing rides, with a design</div> - <div class="i0">To vend his wares, or at th' Arvonian mart,</div> - <div class="i0">Or Maridunum, or the ancient town</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_132" id="Page_132">[Pg 132]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream</div> - <div class="i0">Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil!</div> - <div class="i0">Whence flows nectareous wine, that well may vie</div> - <div class="i0">With Massic, Setin, or renown'd Falern.</div> - <div class="i1">Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow</div> - <div class="i0">With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun,</div> - <div class="i0">Horrible monster! hated by gods and men,</div> - <div class="i0">To my aërial citadel ascends.</div> - <div class="i0">With vocal heel, thrice thund'ring at my gate,</div> - <div class="i0">With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know</div> - <div class="i0">The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound.</div> - <div class="i0">What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Confounded to the dark recess I fly</div> - <div class="i0">Of woodhole; straight my bristling hairs erect</div> - <div class="i0">Thro' sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews</div> - <div class="i0">My shudd'ring limbs, and, wonderful to tell!</div> - <div class="i0">My tongue forgets her faculty of speech;</div> - <div class="i0">So horrible he seems! his faded brow</div> - <div class="i0">Entrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard,</div> - <div class="i0">And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints,</div> - <div class="i0">Disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand</div> - <div class="i0">Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves,</div> - <div class="i0">With characters and figures dire inscrib'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Grievous to mortal eyes; ye gods avert</div> - <div class="i0">Such plagues from righteous men! Behind him stalks</div> - <div class="i0">Another monster not unlike himself,</div> - <div class="i0">Sullen of aspect, by the vulgar call'd</div> - <div class="i0">A Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods</div> - <div class="i0">With force incredible and magic charms</div> - <div class="i0">First have endu'd: if he his ample palm</div> - <div class="i0">Should haply on ill-fated shoulder lay</div> - <div class="i0">Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch</div> - <div class="i0">Obsequious as whilom knights were wont,</div> - <div class="i0">To some enchanted castle is convey'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains</div> - <div class="i0">In durance strict detain him till, in form</div> - <div class="i0">Of money, Pallas sets the captive free.</div> - <div class="i1">Beware, ye debtors, when ye walk, beware!</div> - <div class="i0">Be circumspect; oft with insidious ken</div> - <div class="i0">This caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft</div> - <div class="i0">Lies perdue in a nook or gloomy cave,</div> - <div class="i0">Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch</div> - <div class="i0">With his unhallow'd touch. So, poets sing,</div> - <div class="i0">Grimalkin to domestic vermin sworn</div> - <div class="i0">An everlasting foe, with watchful eye</div> - <div class="i0">Lies nightly brooding o'er a chinky gap,</div> - <div class="i0">Protending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice</div> - <div class="i0">Sure ruin. So her disembowell'd web</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_133" id="Page_133">[Pg 133]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Arachne in a hall, or kitchen, spreads,</div> - <div class="i0">Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands</div> - <div class="i0">Within her woven cell; the humming prey,</div> - <div class="i0">Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils</div> - <div class="i0">Inextricable, nor will aught avail</div> - <div class="i0">Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue;</div> - <div class="i0">The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone,</div> - <div class="i0">And butterfly proud of expanded wings</div> - <div class="i0">Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares,</div> - <div class="i0">Useless resistance make: with eager strides,</div> - <div class="i0">She tow'ring flies to her expected spoils;</div> - <div class="i0">Then, with envenom'd jaws the vital blood</div> - <div class="i0">Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave</div> - <div class="i0">Their bulky carcasses triumphant drags.</div> - <div class="i1">So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades</div> - <div class="i0">This world envelop, and th' inclement air</div> - <div class="i0">Persuades men to repel benumbing frosts</div> - <div class="i0">With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood;</div> - <div class="i0">Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light</div> - <div class="i0">Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk</div> - <div class="i0">Of loving friend delights; distress'd, forlorn,</div> - <div class="i0">Amidst the horrors of the tedious night,</div> - <div class="i0">Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts</div> - <div class="i0">My anxious mind, or sometimes mournful verse</div> - <div class="i0">Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades,</div> - <div class="i0">Or desp'rate lady near a purling stream,</div> - <div class="i0">Or lover pendant on a willow-tree.</div> - <div class="i0">Meanwhile I labour with eternal drought,</div> - <div class="i0">And restless wish, and rave, my parchéd throat</div> - <div class="i0">Finds no relief, nor heavy eyes repose:</div> - <div class="i0">But if a slumber haply does invade</div> - <div class="i0">My weary limbs, my fancy's still awake,</div> - <div class="i0">Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream,</div> - <div class="i0">Tipples imaginary pots of ale,</div> - <div class="i0">In vain; awake I find the settled thirst</div> - <div class="i0">Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse.</div> - <div class="i1">Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarr'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays</div> - <div class="i0">Mature, John Apple, nor the downy Peach,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor Walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor Medlar fruit delicious in decay:</div> - <div class="i0">Afflictions great! yet greater still remains.</div> - <div class="i0">My Galligaskins that have long withstood</div> - <div class="i0">The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts,</div> - <div class="i0">By time subdu'd, what will not time subdue!</div> - <div class="i0">An horrid chasm disclos'd with orifice</div> - <div class="i0">Wide, discontinuous; at which the winds</div> - <div class="i0">Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_134" id="Page_134">[Pg 134]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves,</div> - <div class="i0">Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts,</div> - <div class="i0">Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship,</div> - <div class="i0">Long sail'd secure, or thro' th' Ægean deep,</div> - <div class="i0">Or the Ionian, till cruising near</div> - <div class="i0">The Lilybean shore, with hideous crush</div> - <div class="i0">On Scylla, or Charybdis, dang'rous rocks!</div> - <div class="i0">She strikes rebounding, whence the shatter'd oak,</div> - <div class="i0">So fierce a shock unable to withstand,</div> - <div class="i0">Admits the sea; in at the gaping side</div> - <div class="i0">The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage,</div> - <div class="i0">Resistless, overwhelming; horrors seize</div> - <div class="i0">The mariners, death in their eyes appears,</div> - <div class="i0">They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray;</div> - <div class="i0">Vain efforts! still the batt'ring waves rush in,</div> - <div class="i0">Implacable, till delug'd by the foam,</div> - <div class="i0">The ship sinks found'ring in the vast abyss.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_135" id="Page_135">[Pg 135]</a></span></p> - - - -<h2><a name="TWO_ODES" id="TWO_ODES"></a><span class="smcap">Two "Odes."</span></h2> - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">By AMBROSE PHILIPS, Esq.,</span></p> - -<p class="big1 center"><i>From among those which suggested the next following Burlesque.</i></p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<h4><span class="smcap">To Miss Margaret Pulteney, Daughter of Daniel<br /> -Pulteney, Esq., in the Nursery</span>.<br /> -<span class="stageright small1"><cite>April</cite> 27, 1727.</span></h4> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Dimply damsel, sweetly smiling,</div> - <div class="i3">All caressing, none beguiling,</div> - <div class="i3">Bud of beauty, fairly blowing,</div> - <div class="i3">Every charm to nature owing,</div> - <div class="i3">This and that new thing admiring,</div> - <div class="i3">Much of this and that enquiring,</div> - <div class="i3">Knowledge by degrees attaining,</div> - <div class="i3">Day by day some virtue gaining,</div> - <div class="i3">Ten years hence, when I leave chiming,</div> - <div class="i3">Beardless poets, fondly rhyming</div> - <div class="i3">(Fescu'd now, perhaps, in spelling),</div> - <div class="i3">On thy riper beauties dwelling,</div> - <div class="i3">Shall accuse each killing feature</div> - <div class="i3">Of the cruel, charming creature,</div> - <div class="i3">Whom I knew complying, willing,</div> - <div class="i3">Tender, and averse to killing.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<h4><span class="smcap">To Miss Charlotte Pulteney, in her Mother's -Arms</span>.<br /> -<span class="stageright small1"><cite>May</cite> 1, 1724.</span></h4> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Timely blossom, infant fair,</div> - <div class="i3">Fondling of a happy pair,</div> - <div class="i3">Every morn, and every night,</div> - <div class="i3">Their solicitous delight,</div> - <div class="i3">Sleeping, waking, still at ease,</div> - <div class="i3">Pleasing, without skill to please,</div> - <div class="i3">Little gossip, blithe and hale,</div> - <div class="i3">Tatling many a broken tale,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_136" id="Page_136">[Pg 136]</a></span> - <div class="i3">Singing many a tuneless song,</div> - <div class="i3">Lavish of a heedless tongue,</div> - <div class="i3">Simple maiden, void of art,</div> - <div class="i3">Babbling out the very heart,</div> - <div class="i3">Yet abandon'd to thy will,</div> - <div class="i3">Yet imagining no ill,</div> - <div class="i3">Yet too innocent to blush,</div> - <div class="i3">Like the linlet in the bush,</div> - <div class="i3">To the mother-linnet's note</div> - <div class="i3">Moduling her slender throat,</div> - <div class="i3">Chirping forth thy petty joys,</div> - <div class="i3">Wanton in the change of toys,</div> - <div class="i3">Like the linnet green, in May,</div> - <div class="i3">Flitting to each bloomy spray,</div> - <div class="i3">Wearied then, and glad of rest,</div> - <div class="i3">Like the linlet in the nest.</div> - <div class="i3">This thy present happy lot,</div> - <div class="i3">This, in time, will be forgot.</div> - <div class="i3">Other pleasures, other cares,</div> - <div class="i3">Ever-busy time prepares;</div> - <div class="i3">And thou shalt in thy daughter see,</div> - <div class="i3">This picture, once, resembled thee.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4><a name="NAMBY_PAMBY" id="NAMBY_PAMBY"></a>NAMBY PAMBY:</h4> - -<p class="p1b">OR, A PANEGYRIC ON THE NEW VERSIFICATION -ADDRESSED TO A—— P——, ESQ.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"Nauty Pauty Jack-a-dandy</div> - <div class="i5">Stole a piece of sugar-candy</div> - <div class="i5">From the Grocer's shoppy-shop,</div> - <div class="i5">And away did hoppy-hop."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">All ye poets of the age,</div> - <div class="i0">All ye witlings of the stage,</div> - <div class="i0">Learn your jingles to reform:</div> - <div class="i0">Crop your numbers, and conform:</div> - <div class="i0">Let your little verses flow</div> - <div class="i0">Gently, sweetly, row by row.</div> - <div class="i0">Let the verse the subject fit,</div> - <div class="i0">Little subject, little wit.</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby is your guide,</div> - <div class="i0">Albion's joy, Hibernia's pride.</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby Pilli-pis,</div> - <div class="i0">Rhimy pim'd on missy-mis;</div> - <div class="i0">Tartaretta Tartaree</div> - <div class="i0">From the navel to the knee;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_137" id="Page_137">[Pg 137]</a></span> - <div class="i0">That her father's gracy-grace</div> - <div class="i0">Might give him a placy-place.</div> - <div class="i0">He no longer writes of mammy</div> - <div class="i0">Andromache and her lammy,</div> - <div class="i0">Hanging panging at the breast</div> - <div class="i0">Of a matron most distrest.</div> - <div class="i0">Now the venal poet sings</div> - <div class="i0">Baby clouts, and baby things,</div> - <div class="i0">Baby dolls and baby houses,</div> - <div class="i0">Little misses, little spouses;</div> - <div class="i0">Little playthings, little toys,</div> - <div class="i0">Little girls, and little boys.</div> - <div class="i0">As an actor does his part,</div> - <div class="i0">So the nurses get by heart</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby's little rhymes,</div> - <div class="i0">Little jingle, little chimes.</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby ne'er will die</div> - <div class="i0">While the nurse sings lullaby.</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby's doubly mild,</div> - <div class="i0">Once a man, and twice a child;</div> - <div class="i0">To his hanging-sleeves restor'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Now he foots it like a lord;</div> - <div class="i0">Now he pumps his little wits,</div> - <div class="i0">All by little tiny bits.</div> - <div class="i0">Now methinks I hear him say,</div> - <div class="i0">Boys and girls, come out to play,</div> - <div class="i0">Moon does shine as bright as day.</div> - <div class="i0">Now my Namby Pamby's found</div> - <div class="i0">Sitting on the Friar's ground,</div> - <div class="i0">Picking silver, picking gold,</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby's never old.</div> - <div class="i0">Bally-cally they begin,</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby still keeps in.</div> - <div class="i0">Namby Pamby is no clown,</div> - <div class="i0">London Bridge is broken down:</div> - <div class="i0">Now he courts the gay ladee,</div> - <div class="i0">Dancing o'er the Lady-lee:</div> - <div class="i0">Now he sings of lick-spit liar</div> - <div class="i0">Burning in the brimstone fire;</div> - <div class="i0">Liar, liar, lick-spit, lick,</div> - <div class="i0">Turn about the candle-stick.</div> - <div class="i0">Now he sings of Jacky Horner</div> - <div class="i0">Sitting in the chimney corner,</div> - <div class="i0">Eating of a Christmas pie,</div> - <div class="i0">Putting in his thumb, oh, fie!</div> - <div class="i0">Putting in, oh, fie! his thumb,</div> - <div class="i0">Pulling out, oh, strange! a plum.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_138" id="Page_138">[Pg 138]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Now he acts the Grenadier,</div> - <div class="i0">Calling for a pot of beer.</div> - <div class="i0">Where's his money? he's forgot,</div> - <div class="i0">Get him gone, a drunken sot.</div> - <div class="i0">Now on cock-horse does he ride;</div> - <div class="i0">And anon on timber stride,</div> - <div class="i0">See-and-saw and Sacch'ry down,</div> - <div class="i0">London is a gallant town.</div> - <div class="i0">Now he gathers riches in</div> - <div class="i0">Thicker, faster, pin by pin.</div> - <div class="i0">Pins apiece to see his show,</div> - <div class="i0">Boys and girls flock row by row;</div> - <div class="i0">From their clothes the pins they take,</div> - <div class="i0">Risk a whipping for his sake;</div> - <div class="i0">From their frocks the pins they pull,</div> - <div class="i0">To fill Namby's cushion full.</div> - <div class="i0">So much wit at such an age,</div> - <div class="i0">Does a genius great presage.</div> - <div class="i0">Second childhood gone and past,</div> - <div class="i0">Should he prove a man at last,</div> - <div class="i0">What must second manhood be,</div> - <div class="i0">In a child so bright as he!</div> - <div class="i1">Guard him, ye poetic powers,</div> - <div class="i0">Watch his minutes, watch his hours:</div> - <div class="i0">Let your tuneful Nine inspire him,</div> - <div class="i0">Let poetic fury fire him:</div> - <div class="i0">Let the poets one and all</div> - <div class="i0">To his genius victims fall.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h4><a name="A_WORD_UPON_PUDDING" id="A_WORD_UPON_PUDDING"></a>A WORD UPON PUDDING.</h4> - -<p class="p1b"><em>From</em> "<span class="smcap">A Learned Dissertation upon Dumpling</span>,"</p> -<p class="center"><em>to which the preceding Poem was appended</em>.</p> - - -<p>What is a tart, a pie, or a pasty, but meat or fruit enclos'd in -a wall or covering of pudding? What is a cake, but a bak'd -pudding; or a Christmas pie, but a minc'd-meat pudding? As -for cheese-cakes, custards, tansies, &c., they are manifest puddings, -and all of Sir John's own contrivance; custard being as -old, if not older, than Magna Charta. In short, pudding is of the -greatest dignity and antiquity; bread itself, which is the very -staff of life, being, properly speaking, a bak'd wheat pudding.</p> - -<p>To the satchel, which is the pudding-bag of ingenuity, we are -indebted for the greatest men in church and state. All arts and -sciences owe their original to pudding or dumpling. What is a -bagpipe, the mother of all music, but a pudding of harmony?<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_139" id="Page_139">[Pg 139]</a></span> -Or what is music itself, but a palatable cookery of sounds? To -little puddings or bladders of colours we owe all the choice -originals of the greatest painters. And indeed, what is painting, -but a well-spread pudding, or cookery of colours?</p> - -<p>The head of man is like a pudding. And whence have all -rhymes, poems, plots, and inventions sprang, but from that same -pudding? What is poetry, but a pudding of words? The -physicians, tho' they cry out so much against cooks and -cookery, yet are but cooks themselves; with this difference -only, the cooks' pudding lengthens life, the physicians' shortens -it. So that we live and die by pudding. For what is a clyster, -but a bag-pudding? a pill, but a dumpling? or a bolus, but a -tansy, tho' not altogether so toothsome? In a word: physic -is only a puddingizing or cookery of drugs. The law is but a -cookery of quibbles and contentions,<a name="FNanchor_64_64" id="FNanchor_64_64"></a><a href="#Footnote_64_64" class="fnanchor">[64]</a> * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * * is but a pudding of * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * Some swallow everything whole and unmix'd; -so that it may rather be call'd a heap than a pudding. -Others are so squeamish, the greatest mastership in cookery is -requir'd to make the pudding palatable. The suet which others -gape and swallow by gobs, must for these puny stomachs be -minced to atoms; the plums must be pick'd with the utmost -care, and every ingredient proportion'd to the greatest nicety, or -it will never go down.</p> - -<p>The universe itself is but a pudding of elements. Empires, -kingdoms, states and republics, are but puddings of people -differently made up. The celestial and terrestrial orbs are -decipher'd to us by a pair of globes or mathematical puddings.</p> - -<p>The success of war and fate of monarchies are entirely dependent -on puddings and dumplings. For what else are cannonballs -but military puddings? or bullets, but dumplings; with -this difference only, they do not sit so well on the stomach as a -good marrow pudding or bread pudding.</p> - -<p>In short, there is nothing valuable in art or nature, but what, -more or less, has an allusion to pudding or dumpling. Why, -then, should they be held in disesteem? Why should dumpling-eating -be ridiculed, or dumpling-eaters derided? Is it not -pleasant and profitable? Is it not ancient and honourable? -Kings, princes, and potentates have in all ages been lovers of -pudding. Is it not, therefore, of royal authority? Popes, -cardinals, bishops, priests and deacons, have, time out of mind, -been great pudding-eaters. Is it not, therefore, a holy and -religious institution? Philosophers, poets, and learned men in<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_140" id="Page_140">[Pg 140]</a></span> -all faculties, judges, privy councillors, and members of both -houses, have, by their great regard to pudding, given a sanction -to it that nothing can efface. Is it not, therefore, ancient, -honourable, and commendable?</p> - -<p class="center">Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores?</p> - -<p>Why do, therefore, the enemies of good eating, the starveling -authors of Grub Street, employ their impotent pens against -pudding and pudding-headed, <em>alias</em> honest men? Why do they -inveigh against dumpling-eating, which is the life and soul of -good-fellowship; and dumpling-eaters, who are the ornaments -of civil society?</p> - -<p>But, alas! their malice is their own punishment. The hireling -author of a late scandalous libel, intituled, "The Dumpling-Eaters -Downfall," may, if he has any eyes, now see his error, in -attacking so numerous, so august, a body of people. His books -remain unsold, unread, unregarded; while this treatise of mine -shall be bought by all who love pudding or dumpling; to my -bookseller's great joy, and my no small consolation. How shall -I triumph, and how will that mercenary scribbler be mortified, -when I have sold more editions of my books than he has copies -of his? I, therefore, exhort all people, gentle and simple, men, -women, and children, to buy, to read, to extol these labours of -mine, for the honour of dumpling-eating. Let them not fear to -defend every article; for I will bear them harmless. I have -arguments good store, and can easily confute, either logically, -theologically, or metaphysically, all those who dare oppose me.</p> - -<p>Let not Englishmen, therefore, be ashamed of the name of -Pudding-eaters; but, on the contrary, let it be their glory. For -let foreigners cry out ne'er so much against good eating, they -come easily into it when they have been a little while in our land -of Canaan; and there are very few foreigners among us who -have not learn'd to make as great a hole in a good pudding, or -sirloin of beef, as the best Englishman of us all.</p> - -<p>Why should we then be laughed out of pudding and dumpling? -or why ridicul'd out of good living? Plots and politics may -hurt us, but pudding cannot. Let us, therefore, adhere to pudding, -and keep ourselves out of harm's way; according to the -golden rule laid down by a celebrated dumpling-eater now -defunct:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says:</div> - <div class="i0">Sleep very much; think little, and talk less:</div> - <div class="i0">Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong;</div> - <div class="i0">But eat your pudding, fool, and hold your tongue."—<span class="smcap">Prior</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_141" id="Page_141">[Pg 141]</a></span></p> - - - -<h2><a name="THE_TRAGEDY_OF_TRAGEDIES_OR_THE_LIFE" id="THE_TRAGEDY_OF_TRAGEDIES_OR_THE_LIFE"></a><span class="small">THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE<br /> -AND DEATH OF</span><br /> - -<span class="smcap">Tom Thumb the Great</span>.</h2> - -<p class="p1c">WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS.</p> - -<p class="p1c">FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731.</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="p1b">H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, HIS PREFACE.</p> - -<p>The town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than -concerning the merit of the following scenes. Whilst some -publicly affirm that no author could produce so fine a piece but -Mr. P——, others have with as much vehemence insisted that -no one could write anything so bad but Mr. F——.</p> - -<p>Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when -the learned world have not unanimously decided even the very -nature of this tragedy. For though most of the universities in -Europe have honoured it with the name of "Egregium et maximi -pretii opus, tragœdiis tam antiquis quàm novis longè anteponendum;" -nay, Dr. B—— hath pronounced, "Citiùs Mævii -Æneadem quàm Scribleri istius tragœdiam hanc crediderim, -cujus autorem Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud dubitârim:" and -the great Professor Burman hath styled Tom Thumb "Heroum -omnium tragicorum facilè principem;" nay, though it hath, -among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and celebrated -with great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never -came) by the title of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters -received it with that reverent and silent attention which becometh -an audience at a deep tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there -have not been wanting some who have represented these scenes -in a ludicrous light; and Mr. D—— hath been heard to say, -with some concern, that he wondered a tragical and Christian -nation would permit a representation on its theatre so visibly -designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great and -solemn among us.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_142" id="Page_142">[Pg 142]</a></span></p> - -<p>This learned critic and his followers were led into so great an -error by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last -year into the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our -author will be acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall -happily peruse this genuine and original copy. Nor can I help -remarking, to the great praise of our author, that, however imperfect -the former was, even that faint resemblance of the true -Tom Thumb contained sufficient beauties to give it a run of upwards -of forty nights to the politest audiences. But, notwithstanding -that applause which it received from all the best judges, -it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, and, I believe -rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have been -intended a burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and designed -to banish what we generally call fine things from the -stage.</p> - -<p>Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, -I shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. -And this I the rather undertake, first, as it is indeed in some -measure incumbent on me to vindicate myself from that surreptitious -copy before mentioned, published by some ill-meaning -people under my name; secondly, as knowing myself more -capable of doing justice to our author than any other man, as I -have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough understanding -of this little piece, having for ten years together read -nothing else; in which time, I think, I may modestly presume, -with the help of my English dictionary, to comprehend all the -meanings of every word in it.</p> - -<p>But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to -enlighten the world with his annotations on our author, I shall -not think that the least reward or happiness arising to me from -these my endeavours.</p> - -<p>I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the -learned world, whether this piece was originally written by -Shakespeare, though certainly that, were it true, must add a -considerable share to its merit, especially with such who are so -generous as to buy and commend what they never read, from an -implicit faith in the author only: a faith which our age abounds -in as much as it can be called deficient in any other.</p> - -<p>Let it suffice, that "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, The Life -and Death of Tom Thumb," was written in the reign of Queen -Elizabeth. Nor can the objection made by Mr. D——, that the -tragedy must then have been antecedent to the history, have -any weight, when we consider that, though "The History of -Tom Thumb" printed by and for Edward M—r, at the Looking-glass -on London Bridge, be of a later date, still must we -suppose this history to have been transcribed from some other, -unless we suppose the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very -faintly contended for by the writers of our age. As to this<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_143" id="Page_143">[Pg 143]</a></span> -history's not bearing the stamp of second, third, or fourth edition, -I see but little in that objection; editions being very uncertain -lights to judge of books by: and perhaps Mr. M—r may have -joined twenty editions in one, as Mr. C—l hath ere now divided -one into twenty.</p> - -<p>Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our -author hath taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry -any greater force. Are there not instances of plays wherein the -history is so perverted, that we can know the heroes whom they -celebrate by no other marks than their names? nay, do we not -find the same character placed by different poets in such different -lights, that we can discover not the least sameness, or -even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba of Mairet and -of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of Massinissa: -Corneille and Mr. Thomson give her no other passion but the -love of her country, and make her as cool in her affection to -Massinissa as to Syphax. In the two latter she resembles the -character of Queen Elizabeth; in the two former she is the -picture of Mary Queen of Scotland. In short, the one Sophonisba -is as different from the other as the Brutus of Voltaire is -from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or as the Minerva is from the -Venus of the ancients.</p> - -<p>Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy -before us, in which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the -Moral, the Characters, the Sentiments, and the Diction. And -first of the Fable; which I take to be the most simple imaginable; and, -to use the words of an eminent author, "one, regular, and uniform, -not charged with a multiplicity of incidents, and yet -affording several revolutions of fortune, by which the passions -may be excited, varied, and driven to their full tumult of -emotion." Nor is the action of this tragedy less great than -uniform. The spring of all is the love of Tom Thumb for -Huncamunca; which caused the quarrel between their majesties -in the first act; the passion of Lord Grizzle in the second; the -rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, devouring of Tom -Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the third.</p> - -<p>Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the -Fable; it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human -happiness is exceeding transient, and that death is the certain -end of all men: the former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end -of Tom Thumb; the latter, by that of all the other personages.</p> - -<p>The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the -<em>dramatis personæ</em>; and I believe we shall find few plays where -greater care is taken to maintain them throughout, and to -preserve in every speech that characteristical mark which -distinguishes them from each other. "But," says Mr. D——, -"how well doth the character of Tom Thumb (whom we must<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_144" id="Page_144">[Pg 144]</a></span> -call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero) agree with the -precepts of Aristotle, who defineth, 'tragedy to be the imitation -of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness in -itself?' &c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history -related to have been no higher than a span?" This gentleman -seemeth to think, with Serjeant Kite, that the greatness of a -man's soul is in proportion to that of his body, the contrary of -which is affirmed by our English physiognominical writers. -Besides, if I understand Aristotle right, he speaketh only of the -greatness of the action, and not of the person.</p> - -<p>As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain -to be spoken to, I thought I could afford them no stronger -justification than by producing parallel passages out of the best -of our English writers. Whether this sameness of thought and -expression which I have quoted from them proceeded from an -agreement in their way of thinking, or whether they have -borrowed from our author, I leave the reader to determine. I -shall adventure to affirm this of the Sentiments of our author, -that they are generally the most familiar which I have ever met -with, and at the same time delivered with the highest dignity of -phrase; which brings me to speak of his diction. Here I shall -only beg one postulatum, viz., that the greatest perfection of the -language of a tragedy is, that it is not to be understood; which -granted (as I think it must be), it will necessarily follow that the -only way to avoid this is by being too high or too low for the -understanding, which will comprehend everything within its -reach. Those two extremities of style Mr. Dryden illustrates by -the familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aërial and -the subterrestrial.</p> - -<p>Horace goes further, and showeth when it is proper to call at -one of these inns, and when at the other:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Telephus et Peleus, cùm pauper et exul uterque,</div> - <div class="i0">Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>That he approveth of the <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">sesquipedalia verba</i> is plain; for, had -not Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, -they could not have dropped it in adversity. The aërial inn, -therefore (says Horace), is proper only to be frequented by -princes and other great men in the highest affluence of fortune; -the subterrestrial is appointed for the entertainment of the poorer -sort of people only, whom Horace advises,</p> - -<p class="center">—dolere sermone pedestri.</p> - -<p>The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the -proper language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which -is literally implied in the <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">sermo pedestris</i>, as the former is in the -<i xml:lang="la" lang="la">sesquipedalia verba</i>.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_145" id="Page_145">[Pg 145]</a></span></p> - -<p>Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tam -furiosum vel tragicum quàm verborum sonitus inanis, nullâ -subjectâ sententiâ neque scientiâ." What can be so proper for -tragedy as a set of big sounding words, so contrived together as -to convey no meaning? which I shall one day or other prove to -be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth absolutely for the -latter inn:</p> - -<p class="center"> -Omne genus scripti gravitate tragœdia vincit.</p> - -<p>Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; -which is the profound of Scriblerus.</p> - -<p>I shall not presume to determine which of these two styles be -properer for tragedy. It sufficeth that our author excelleth in -both. He is very rarely within sight through the whole play, -either rising higher than the eye of your understanding can soar, -or sinking lower than it careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps -be observed that I have given more frequent instances of -authors who have imitated him in the sublime than in the -contrary. To which I answer, first, bombast being properly a -redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in poets -whose names do more honour to our author than the writers in -the doggrel, which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of -thinking. Instances whereof are most frequently to be found in -authors of a lower class. Secondly, that the works of such -authors are difficultly found at all. Thirdly, that it is a very -hard task to read them, in order to extract these flowers from -them. And lastly, it is very difficult to transplant them at all; -they being like some flowers of a very nice nature, which will -flourish in no soil but their own: for it is easy to transcribe a -thought, but not the want of one. The "Earl of Essex," for -instance, is a little garden of choice rarities, whence you can -scarce transplant one line so as to preserve its original beauty. -This must account to the reader for his missing the names of -several of his acquaintance, which he had certainly found here, -had I ever read their works; for which, if I have not a just -esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quæ non contemno, -quippè quæ nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may -meet with due satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator -from the university, who is reading over all the modern -tragedies, at five shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they -have stole from our author, which shall be shortly added as an -appendix to this work.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_146" id="Page_146">[Pg 146]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h4><a name="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE" id="DRAMATIS_PERSONAE"></a>DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">King Arthur</span>, <em>a passionate sort of -king, husband to</em> <span class="smcap">Queen Dollallolla,</span> -<em>of whom he stands -a little in fear: father to</em> <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>, -<em>whom he is very fond -of and in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Glumdalca</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb the Great</span>, <em>a little -hero with a great soul, something -violent in his temper, -which is a little abated by his -love for</em> <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Ghost of Gaffer Thumb</span>, <em>a whimsical -sort of ghost</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Lord Grizzle</span>, <em>extremely zealous -for the liberty of the subject, very -choleric in his temper, and in -love with</em> <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Merlin</span>, <em>a conjuror, and in some -sort father to</em> <span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Noodle</span>, <span class="smcap">Doodle</span>, <em>courtiers in -place, and consequently of that -party that is uppermost</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Foodle</span>, <em>a courtier that is out of -place, and consequently of that -party that is undermost</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Bailiff, and Follower</span>, <em>of the -party of the plaintiff</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Parson</span>, <em>of the side of the church</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Queen Dollallolla</span>, <em>wife to</em> -<span class="smcap">King Arthur</span>, <em>and mother to</em> -<span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>, <em>a woman entirely -faultless, saving that she -is a little given to drink, a little -too much a virago towards her -husband, and in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Tom -Thumb</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">The Princess Huncamunca</span>, -<em>daughter to their</em> <span class="smcap">Majesties -King Arthur</span> <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Queen -Dollallolla</span>, <em>of a very sweet, -gentle, and amorous disposition, -equally in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Lord -Grizzle</span> <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span>, <em>and -desirous to be married to them -both</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Glumdalca</span>, <em>of the giants, a captive -queen, beloved by the king, -but in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Cleora, Mustacha</span>, <em>maids of -honour in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Noodle</span> -<em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Doodle</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a">Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, -Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning.</p> - </div> -</div> - - -<p class="center">SCENE.—<span class="smcap">The Court of King Arthur, and a Plain -Thereabouts</span>.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT I.</h4> - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene I.</span>—<i>The Palace.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Doodle, Noodle</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Doodle.</i> Sure such a day<a name="FNanchor_65_65" id="FNanchor_65_65"></a><a href="#Footnote_65_65" class="fnanchor">[65]</a> as this was never seen!</div> - <div class="i0">The sun himself, on this auspicious day,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_147" id="Page_147">[Pg 147]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit:</div> - <div class="i0">This down the seams embroidered, that the beams.</div> - <div class="i0">All nature wears one universal grin.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day.</div> - <div class="i0">Indeed!—a day, we never saw before.<a name="FNanchor_66_66" id="FNanchor_66_66"></a><a href="#Footnote_66_66" class="fnanchor">[66]</a></div> - <div class="i0">The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;<a name="FNanchor_67_67" id="FNanchor_67_67"></a><a href="#Footnote_67_67" class="fnanchor">[67]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels,</div> - <div class="i0">Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall<a name="FNanchor_68_68" id="FNanchor_68_68"></a><a href="#Footnote_68_68" class="fnanchor">[68]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_148" id="Page_148">[Pg 148]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar,</div> - <div class="i0">While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on.</div> - <div class="i0">So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard,</div> - <div class="i0">Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth,</div> - <div class="i0">The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd;</div> - <div class="i0">Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> They tell me it is whisper'd<a name="FNanchor_69_69" id="FNanchor_69_69"></a><a href="#Footnote_69_69" class="fnanchor">[69]</a> in the books</div> - <div class="i0">Of all our sages, that this mighty hero,</div> - <div class="i0">By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone</div> - <div class="i0">Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind;</div> - <div class="i0">Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place</div> - <div class="i0">Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot<a name="FNanchor_70_70" id="FNanchor_70_70"></a><a href="#Footnote_70_70" class="fnanchor">[70]</a></div> - <div class="i0">This mighty Tom.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Sure he was sent express<a name="FNanchor_71_71" id="FNanchor_71_71"></a><a href="#Footnote_71_71" class="fnanchor">[71]</a></div> - <div class="i0">From Heaven to be the pillar of our state.</div> - <div class="i0">Though small his body be, so very small</div> - <div class="i0">A chairman's leg is more than twice as large,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet is his soul like any mountain big;</div> - <div class="i0">And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse,</div> - <div class="i0">So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.<a name="FNanchor_72_72" id="FNanchor_72_72"></a><a href="#Footnote_72_72" class="fnanchor">[72]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_149" id="Page_149">[Pg 149]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> Mountain indeed! So terrible his name,</div> - <div class="i0">The giant nurses frighten children with it,<a name="FNanchor_73_73" id="FNanchor_73_73"></a><a href="#Footnote_73_73" class="fnanchor">[73]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are</div> - <div class="i0">Naughty, will surely take the child away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.<a name="FNanchor_74_74" id="FNanchor_74_74"></a><a href="#Footnote_74_74" class="fnanchor">[74]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> He comes most luckily for my petition. <span class="stageright">[<i>Flourish.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King, Queen, Grizzle, Noodle, Doodle, Foodle.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Let nothing but a face of joy appear;<a name="FNanchor_75_75" id="FNanchor_75_75"></a><a href="#Footnote_75_75" class="fnanchor">[75]</a></div> - <div class="i0">The man who frowns this day shall lose his head,</div> - <div class="i0">That he may have no face to frown withal.</div> - <div class="i0">Smile Dollallolla—Ha! what wrinkled sorrow</div> - <div class="i0">Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?<a name="FNanchor_76_76" id="FNanchor_76_76"></a><a href="#Footnote_76_76" class="fnanchor">[76]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks,</div> - <div class="i0">Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,<a name="FNanchor_77_77" id="FNanchor_77_77"></a><a href="#Footnote_77_77" class="fnanchor">[77]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Gives tears as certain as excess of grief.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> If it be so, let all men cry for joy,</div> - <div class="i0">Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;<a name="FNanchor_78_78" id="FNanchor_78_78"></a><a href="#Footnote_78_78" class="fnanchor">[78]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_150" id="Page_150">[Pg 150]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Nay, till they overflow my utmost land,</div> - <div class="i0">And leave me nothing but the sea to rule.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> My liege, I a petition have here got.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day:</div> - <div class="i0">Let other hours be set apart for business.</div> - <div class="i0">To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.<a name="FNanchor_79_79" id="FNanchor_79_79"></a><a href="#Footnote_79_79" class="fnanchor">[79]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And this our queen shall be as drunk as we.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> (Though I already<a name="FNanchor_80_80" id="FNanchor_80_80"></a><a href="#Footnote_80_80" class="fnanchor">[80]</a> half-seas over am)</div> - <div class="i0">If the capacious goblet overflow</div> - <div class="i0">With arrack punch——'fore George! I'll see it out:</div> - <div class="i0">Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart,</div> - <div class="i0">And rum and brandy be no more than six,</div> - <div class="i0">Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. <span class="stageright">[<i>Trumpets.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">But, ha! the warrior comes—the great Tom Thumb,</div> - <div class="i0">The little hero, giant-killing boy,</div> - <div class="i0">Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_151" id="Page_151">[Pg 151]</a></span></p> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene III.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span> <i>to them, with</i> <span class="smcap">Officers, Prisoners</span>, <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Attendants</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.<a name="FNanchor_81_81" id="FNanchor_81_81"></a><a href="#Footnote_81_81" class="fnanchor">[81]</a></div> - <div class="i0">What gratitude can thank away the debt</div> - <div class="i0">Your valour lays upon me?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft7">Oh! ye gods!</span><a name="FNanchor_82_82" id="FNanchor_82_82"></a><a href="#Footnote_82_82" class="fnanchor">[82]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Aside.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.<a name="FNanchor_83_83" id="FNanchor_83_83"></a><a href="#Footnote_83_83" class="fnanchor">[83]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I've done my duty, and I've done no more.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Was ever such a godlike creature seen? <span class="stageright">[<i>Aside.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Thy modesty's a candle<a name="FNanchor_84_84" id="FNanchor_84_84"></a><a href="#Footnote_84_84" class="fnanchor">[84]</a> to thy merit,</div> - <div class="i0">It shines itself, and shows thy merit too.</div> - <div class="i0">But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> My liege, without the castle gates they stand,</div> - <div class="i0">The castle gates too low for their admittance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> What look they like?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Like nothing but themselves.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.<a name="FNanchor_85_85" id="FNanchor_85_85"></a><a href="#Footnote_85_85" class="fnanchor">[85]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Aside.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Enough! the vast idea fills my soul.</div> - <div class="i0">I see them—yes, I see them now before me:</div> - <div class="i0">The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods.</div> - <div class="i0">But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes?</div> - <div class="i0">So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn<a name="FNanchor_86_86" id="FNanchor_86_86"></a><a href="#Footnote_86_86" class="fnanchor">[86]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_152" id="Page_152">[Pg 152]</a></span> - <div class="i0">By all the gods in council: so fair she is,</div> - <div class="i0">That surely at her birth the council paused,</div> - <div class="i0">And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Then were the gods mistaken—she is not</div> - <div class="i0">A woman, but a giantess——whom we,</div> - <div class="i0">With much ado, have made a shift to haul<a name="FNanchor_87_87" id="FNanchor_87_87"></a><a href="#Footnote_87_87" class="fnanchor">[87]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Within the town: for she is by a foot<a name="FNanchor_88_88" id="FNanchor_88_88"></a><a href="#Footnote_88_88" class="fnanchor">[88]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Shorter than all her subject giants were.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> We yesterday were both a queen and wife,</div> - <div class="i0">One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway.</div> - <div class="i0">Twenty whereof were married to ourself.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands</div> - <div class="i0">Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced</div> - <div class="i0">To be content, nay, happy thought, with one.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> But then to lose them all in one black day,</div> - <div class="i0">That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife</div> - <div class="i0">To twenty giants, setting should behold</div> - <div class="i0">Me widow'd of them all.——My worn-out heart,<a name="FNanchor_89_89" id="FNanchor_89_89"></a><a href="#Footnote_89_89" class="fnanchor">[89]</a></div> - <div class="i0">That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading,</div> - <div class="i0">My soul, will quickly sink.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft6e">Madam, believe</span></div> - <div class="i0">I view your sorrows with a woman's eye:</div> - <div class="i0">But learn to bear them with what strength you may,</div> - <div class="i0">To-morrow we will have our grenadiers</div> - <div class="i0">Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose</div> - <div class="i0">What husbands you think fit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> <span class="mleft7f">Madam, I am</span><a name="FNanchor_90_90" id="FNanchor_90_90"></a><a href="#Footnote_90_90" class="fnanchor">[90]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Your most obedient and most humble servant.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Think, mighty princess, think this court your own,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn;</div> - <div class="i0">Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay.</div> - <div class="i0">I feel a sudden pain within my breast,<a name="FNanchor_91_91" id="FNanchor_91_91"></a><a href="#Footnote_91_91" class="fnanchor">[91]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_153" id="Page_153">[Pg 153]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Nor know I whether it arise from love</div> - <div class="i0">Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show.</div> - <div class="i0">O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe!</div> - <div class="i0">Ask some reward, great as we can bestow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;<a name="FNanchor_92_92" id="FNanchor_92_92"></a><a href="#Footnote_92_92" class="fnanchor">[92]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I ask not money, money I've enough;</div> - <div class="i0">For what I've done, and what I mean to do,</div> - <div class="i0">For giants slain, and giants yet unborn</div> - <div class="i0">Which I will slay——if this be call'd a debt,</div> - <div class="i0">Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,—</div> - <div class="i0">To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.<a name="FNanchor_93_93" id="FNanchor_93_93"></a><a href="#Footnote_93_93" class="fnanchor">[93]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Prodigious bold request.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft8h">Be still, my soul.</span><a name="FNanchor_94_94" id="FNanchor_94_94"></a><a href="#Footnote_94_94" class="fnanchor">[94]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Aside.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,<a name="FNanchor_95_95" id="FNanchor_95_95"></a><a href="#Footnote_95_95" class="fnanchor">[95]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And waits its answer there.——Oh! do not frown.</div> - <div class="i0">I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul,</div> - <div class="i0">But love did overwind and crack the string.</div> - <div class="i0">Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, <span class="smcap">you shan't</span>,</div> - <div class="i0">I should have loved her still——for oh, strange fate,</div> - <div class="i0">Then when I loved her least I loved her most!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> It is resolv'd—the princess is your own.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.<a name="FNanchor_96_96" id="FNanchor_96_96"></a><a href="#Footnote_96_96" class="fnanchor">[96]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit,</div> - <div class="i0">But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm</div> - <div class="i0">Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Let Macedonia Alexander boast,</div> - <div class="i0">Let Rome her Cæsars and her Scipios show,</div> - <div class="i0">Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers,</div> - <div class="i0">Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast,</div> - <div class="i0">Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_154" id="Page_154">[Pg 154]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Though greater yet his boasted merit was,</div> - <div class="i0">He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft10">I say he shan't.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Then by our royal self we swear you lie.<a name="FNanchor_97_97" id="FNanchor_97_97"></a><a href="#Footnote_97_97" class="fnanchor">[97]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Who but a dog, who but a dog<a name="FNanchor_98_98" id="FNanchor_98_98"></a><a href="#Footnote_98_98" class="fnanchor">[98]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain</div> - <div class="i0">These twenty years so loving by thy side!<a name="FNanchor_99_99" id="FNanchor_99_99"></a><a href="#Footnote_99_99" class="fnanchor">[99]</a></div> - <div class="i0">But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself.</div> - <div class="i0">Then tremble all who did this match persuade,</div> - <div class="i0">For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,<a name="FNanchor_100_100" id="FNanchor_100_100"></a><a href="#Footnote_100_100" class="fnanchor">[100]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And squirt down royal vengeance on you all.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Food.</i> Her majesty the queen is in a passion.<a name="FNanchor_101_101" id="FNanchor_101_101"></a><a href="#Footnote_101_101" class="fnanchor">[101]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl<a name="FNanchor_102_102" id="FNanchor_102_102"></a><a href="#Footnote_102_102" class="fnanchor">[102]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself,</div> - <div class="i0">We were indeed a pretty king of clouts</div> - <div class="i0">To truckle to her will—for when by force</div> - <div class="i0">Or art the wife her husband overreaches,</div> - <div class="i0">Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine!<a name="FNanchor_103_103" id="FNanchor_103_103"></a><a href="#Footnote_103_103" class="fnanchor">[103]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine!</div> - <div class="i0">The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er,</div> - <div class="i0">And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils!</div> - <div class="i0">I've thrown the bloody garment now aside</div> - <div class="i0">And hymeneal sweets invite my bride.</div> - <div class="i1">So when some chimney-sweeper all the day</div> - <div class="i0">Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way,</div> - <div class="i0">At night to wash his hands and face he flies,</div> - <div class="i0">And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_155" id="Page_155">[Pg 155]</a></span></p> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IV.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Grizzle (solus).</i> Where art thou, Grizzle?<a name="FNanchor_104_104" id="FNanchor_104_104"></a><a href="#Footnote_104_104" class="fnanchor">[104]</a> where are now thy glories?</div> - <div class="i0">Where are the drums that waken thee to honour?</div> - <div class="i0">Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street,</div> - <div class="i0">Which fortune lends us for a day to wear,</div> - <div class="i0">To-morrow puts it on another's back.</div> - <div class="i0">The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd</div> - <div class="i0">His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola;</div> - <div class="i0">Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene V.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Queen, Grizzle</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,<a name="FNanchor_105_105" id="FNanchor_105_105"></a><a href="#Footnote_105_105" class="fnanchor">[105]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil,</div> - <div class="i0">Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine</div> - <div class="i0">To spout forth words malicious as thyself,</div> - <div class="i0">Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Far be it from my pride to think my tongue</div> - <div class="i0">Your royal lips can in that art instruct,</div> - <div class="i0">Wherein you so excel. But may I ask,</div> - <div class="i0">Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard</div> - <div class="i0">(What ev'ry corner of the court resounds)</div> - <div class="i0">That little Thumb will be a great man made?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> I heard it, I confess—for who, alas!</div> - <div class="i0">Can<a name="FNanchor_106_106" id="FNanchor_106_106"></a><a href="#Footnote_106_106" class="fnanchor">[106]</a> always stop his ears?—But would my teeth,</div> - <div class="i0">By grinding knives, had first been set on edge!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Would I had heard, at the still noon of night,</div> - <div class="i0">The hallalloo of fire in every street!</div> - <div class="i0">Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself,</div> - <div class="i0">To think I should a grandmother be made</div> - <div class="i0">By such a rascal!—Sure the king forgets</div> - <div class="i0">When in a pudding, by his mother put,</div> - <div class="i0">The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile</div> - <div class="i0">Was dropp'd.—Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear</div> - <div class="i0">To see him from a pudding mount the throne?</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_156" id="Page_156">[Pg 156]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear</div> - <div class="i0">To take a pudding's offspring to her arms?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen.</div> - <div class="i0">Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.<a name="FNanchor_107_107" id="FNanchor_107_107"></a><a href="#Footnote_107_107" class="fnanchor">[107]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Then rouse thy spirit—we may yet prevent</div> - <div class="i0">This hated match.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> <span class="mleft4">We will; nor fate itself,</span><a name="FNanchor_108_108" id="FNanchor_108_108"></a><a href="#Footnote_108_108" class="fnanchor">[108]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it.</div> - <div class="i0">I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds:</div> - <div class="i0">I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire;</div> - <div class="i0">I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar;</div> - <div class="i0">Fierce as the man whom smiling<a name="FNanchor_109_109" id="FNanchor_109_109"></a><a href="#Footnote_109_109" class="fnanchor">[109]</a> dolphins bore</div> - <div class="i0">From the prosaic to poetic shore.</div> - <div class="i0">I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not;</div> - <div class="i0">For, though I would not have him have my daughter,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> I tell you, madam, it was all a trick;</div> - <div class="i0">He made the giants first, and then he killed them;</div> - <div class="i0">As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood,</div> - <div class="i0">And then with hounds they drive them out again.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> How! have you seen no giants? Are there not</div> - <div class="i0">Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Indeed I cannot positively tell,<a name="FNanchor_110_110" id="FNanchor_110_110"></a><a href="#Footnote_110_110" class="fnanchor">[110]</a></div> - <div class="i0">But firmly do believe there is not one.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away;</div> - <div class="i0">By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Go, sirrah! go, hie<a name="FNanchor_111_111" id="FNanchor_111_111"></a><a href="#Footnote_111_111" class="fnanchor">[111]</a> away! hie!—--thou art</div> - <div class="i0">A setting-dog: begone.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_157" id="Page_157">[Pg 157]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> <span class="mleft5e">Madam, I go.</span></div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised.</div> - <div class="i0">So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets,</div> - <div class="i0">With a third dog one of the two dogs meets,</div> - <div class="i0">With angry teeth he bites him to the bone,</div> - <div class="i0">And this dog smarts for what that dog has done.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VI</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>sola.</i>]</span> And whither shall I go?—Alack a day!</div> - <div class="i0">I love Tom Thumb—but must not tell him so;</div> - <div class="i0">For what's a woman when her virtue's gone?</div> - <div class="i0">A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle;</div> - <div class="i0">A stocking with a hole in't—I can't live</div> - <div class="i0">Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;<a name="FNanchor_112_112" id="FNanchor_112_112"></a><a href="#Footnote_112_112" class="fnanchor">[112]</a></div> - <div class="i0">In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue.</div> - <div class="i0">But hold!—perhaps I may be left a widow:</div> - <div class="i0">This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine:</div> - <div class="i0">In that dear hope I will forget my pain.</div> - <div class="i1">So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent,</div> - <div class="i0">With beating hemp and flogging she's content;</div> - <div class="i0">She hopes in time to ease her present pain,</div> - <div class="i0">At length is free, and walks the streets again.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT II.</h4> - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene I.</span>—<i>The street.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Bailiff, Follower</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> Come on, my trusty fellow, come on;</div> - <div class="i0">This day discharge thy duty, and at night</div> - <div class="i0">A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee.</div> - <div class="i0">Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fol.</i> No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word</div> - <div class="i0">Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_158" id="Page_158">[Pg 158]</a></span> - <div class="i0">To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him:</div> - <div class="i0">To lay arresting hands upon his back,</div> - <div class="i0">And drag him trembling to the sponging-house.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> There when I have him, I will sponge upon him.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars,</div> - <div class="i0">I will enjoy it, though it be in thought!</div> - <div class="i0">Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fol.</i> Enjoy it then some other time, for now</div> - <div class="i0">Our prey approaches.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> Let us retire.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb, Noodle, Bailiff, Follower</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;<a name="FNanchor_113_113" id="FNanchor_113_113"></a><a href="#Footnote_113_113" class="fnanchor">[113]</a></div> - <div class="i0">For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale:</div> - <div class="i0">For, oh!—but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,<a name="FNanchor_114_114" id="FNanchor_114_114"></a><a href="#Footnote_114_114" class="fnanchor">[114]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I will unfold a tale will make thee stare.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Then know—my grandmamma<a name="FNanchor_115_115" id="FNanchor_115_115"></a><a href="#Footnote_115_115" class="fnanchor">[115]</a> hath often said.</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb, beware of marriage.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> <span class="mleft9e">Sir, I blush</span></div> - <div class="i0">To think a warrior, great in arms as you,</div> - <div class="i0">Should be affrighted by his grandmamma.</div> - <div class="i0">Can an old woman's empty dreams deter</div> - <div class="i0">The blooming hero from the virgin's arms?</div> - <div class="i0">Think of the joy that will your soul alarm,</div> - <div class="i0">When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie,</div> - <div class="i0">While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss,</div> - <div class="i0">You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul;</div> - <div class="i0">Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine;</div> - <div class="i0">I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love:</div> - <div class="i0">Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_159" id="Page_159">[Pg 159]</a></span> - <div class="i0">For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise</div> - <div class="i0">Blushing to see us both alone together.<a name="FNanchor_116_116" id="FNanchor_116_116"></a><a href="#Footnote_116_116" class="fnanchor">[116]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> Oh, sir! I have an action against you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> At whose suit is it?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> At your tailor's, sir.</div> - <div class="i0">Your tailor put this warrant in my hands,</div> - <div class="i0">And I arrest you, sir, at his commands.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face!</div> - <div class="i0">Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace?</div> - <div class="i0">But let vain cowards threaten by their word,</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Bailiff</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Follower</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bail.</i> Oh, I am slain!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fol.</i> <span class="mleft6">I am murdered also,</span></div> - <div class="i0">And to the shades, the dismal shades below,</div> - <div class="i0">My bailiff's faithful follower I go.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Go then to hell,<a name="FNanchor_117_117" id="FNanchor_117_117"></a><a href="#Footnote_117_117" class="fnanchor">[117]</a> like rascals as you are,</div> - <div class="i0">And give our service to the bailiffs there.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land,</div> - <div class="i0">Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets,</div> - <div class="i0">And no one fear a bailiff or his writ.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene III.</span>—<i>The Princess</i> <span class="smcap">Huncamunca's</span> <i>Apartment</i>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Huncamunca, Cleora, Mustacha.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Give me some music—see that it be sad.<a name="FNanchor_118_118" id="FNanchor_118_118"></a><a href="#Footnote_118_118" class="fnanchor">[118]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a"><span class="smcap">Cleora</span> <em>sings</em>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Cupid, ease a love-sick maid,</div> - <div class="i3">Bring thy quiver to her aid;</div> - <div class="i3">With equal ardour wound the swain;</div> - <div class="i3">Beauty should never sigh in vain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_160" id="Page_160">[Pg 160]</a></span> - <div class="i3">Let him feel the pleasing smart,</div> - <div class="i3">Drive the arrow through his heart:</div> - <div class="i3">When one you wound, you then destroy;</div> - <div class="i3">When both you kill, you kill with joy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?<a name="FNanchor_119_119" id="FNanchor_119_119"></a><a href="#Footnote_119_119" class="fnanchor">[119]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Why hadst thou not been born of royal race?</div> - <div class="i0">Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father?</div> - <div class="i0">Or else the King of Brentford, old or new!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Must.</i> I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a -moment's uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom -Thumb the Great<a name="FNanchor_120_120" id="FNanchor_120_120"></a><a href="#Footnote_120_120" class="fnanchor">[120]</a>—one properer for a plaything than a husband. -Were he my husband his horns should be as long as his body. -If you had fallen in love with a grenadier, I should not have -wondered at it. If you had fallen in love with something; but -to fall in love with nothing!</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease.</div> - <div class="i0">The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays,</div> - <div class="i0">Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath.</div> - <div class="i0">The dove is not so gentle to its mate.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Must.</i> The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.—Alas! -madam, there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a -man. He is a perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and -almost without shadow too.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> This rudeness is unseasonable: desist;</div> - <div class="i0">Or I shall think this railing comes from love.</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form,</div> - <div class="i0">That no one can abuse, unless they love him.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Must.</i> Madam, the king.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IV.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King Huncamunca.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Let all but Huncamunca leave the room.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Cleora</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Mustacha</span>.</div> - <div class="i0">Daughter, I have observed of late some grief</div> - <div class="i0">Unusual in your countenance; your eyes</div> - <div class="i0">That, like two open windows,<a name="FNanchor_121_121" id="FNanchor_121_121"></a><a href="#Footnote_121_121" class="fnanchor">[121]</a> used to show</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_161" id="Page_161">[Pg 161]</a></span> - <div class="i0">The lovely beauty of the rooms within.</div> - <div class="i0">Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause?</div> - <div class="i0">Say, have you not enough of meat and drink?</div> - <div class="i0">We've given strict orders not to have you stinted.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Alas! my lord, I value not myself</div> - <div class="i0">That once I ate two fowls and half a pig;</div> - <div class="i0">Small is that praise!<a name="FNanchor_122_122" id="FNanchor_122_122"></a><a href="#Footnote_122_122" class="fnanchor">[122]</a> but oh! a maid may want</div> - <div class="i0">What she can neither eat nor drink.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft10b">What's that?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> O spare my blushes;<a name="FNanchor_123_123" id="FNanchor_123_123"></a><a href="#Footnote_123_123" class="fnanchor">[123]</a> but I mean a husband.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> If that be all, I have provided one,</div> - <div class="i0">A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword</div> - <div class="i0">Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose name in Terrâ Incognitâ is known,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise</div> - <div class="i0">Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Whom does my royal father mean?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft14">Tom Thumb.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Is it possible?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft5g">Ha! the window-blinds are gone;</span></div> - <div class="i0">A country-dance of joy is in your face.<a name="FNanchor_124_124" id="FNanchor_124_124"></a><a href="#Footnote_124_124" class="fnanchor">[124]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound,</div> - <div class="i0">Enough to turn me into beef indeed!</div> - <div class="i0">Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief.</div> - <div class="i0">For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_162" id="Page_162">[Pg 162]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more.</div> - <div class="i0">A husband thou shalt have to mumble now.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell</div> - <div class="i0">That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! I am overjoy'd!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft4d">I see thou art.</span></div> - <div class="i0">Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;<a name="FNanchor_125_125" id="FNanchor_125_125"></a><a href="#Footnote_125_125" class="fnanchor">[125]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul,</div> - <div class="i0">As small-shot through a hedge.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft8e">Oh! say not small.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> This happy news shall on our tongue ride post,</div> - <div class="i0">Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms</div> - <div class="i0">Must still detain the hero from his arms;</div> - <div class="i0">Various his duty, various his delight;</div> - <div class="i0">Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight,</div> - <div class="i0">And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,<a name="FNanchor_126_126" id="FNanchor_126_126"></a><a href="#Footnote_126_126" class="fnanchor">[126]</a></div> - <div class="i0">When with excessive thund'ring tired above,</div> - <div class="i0">Comes down to earth, and takes a bit—and then</div> - <div class="i0">Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene V.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Grizzle, Huncamunca.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh!<a name="FNanchor_127_127" id="FNanchor_127_127"></a><a href="#Footnote_127_127" class="fnanchor">[127]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass,</div> - <div class="i0">Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy;</div> - <div class="i0">As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am,</div> - <div class="i0">That thus of me you dare to make your game?<a name="FNanchor_128_128" id="FNanchor_128_128"></a><a href="#Footnote_128_128" class="fnanchor">[128]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_163" id="Page_163">[Pg 163]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you</div> - <div class="i0">A princess are, and a king's daughter, too;</div> - <div class="i0">But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears;</div> - <div class="i0">Love often lords into the cellar bears,</div> - <div class="i0">And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs.</div> - <div class="i0">For what's too high for love, or what's too low?</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> But, granting all you say of love were true,</div> - <div class="i0">My love, alas! is to another due.</div> - <div class="i0">In vain to me a suitoring you come,</div> - <div class="i0">For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> And can my princess such a durgen wed?</div> - <div class="i0">One fitter for your pocket than your bed!</div> - <div class="i0">Advised by me, the worthless baby shun,</div> - <div class="i0">Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch,</div> - <div class="i0">Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch.</div> - <div class="i0">Then, while in joys together lost we lie,<a name="FNanchor_129_129" id="FNanchor_129_129"></a><a href="#Footnote_129_129" class="fnanchor">[129]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> If, sir, what you insinuate you prove,</div> - <div class="i0">All obstacles of promise you remove;</div> - <div class="i0">For all engagements to a man must fall,</div> - <div class="i0">Whene'er that man is proved no man at all.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss,</div> - <div class="i0">Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss!</div> - <div class="i0">But, by the stars and glory! you appear</div> - <div class="i0">Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier;</div> - <div class="i0">One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests,</div> - <div class="i0">Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts;</div> - <div class="i0">The milky way is not so white, that's flat,</div> - <div class="i0">And sure thy breasts are full as large as that.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find,</div> - <div class="i0">It is impossible to be unkind.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound<a name="FNanchor_130_130" id="FNanchor_130_130"></a><a href="#Footnote_130_130" class="fnanchor">[130]</a></div> - <div class="i0">From one pole to another pole rebound;</div> - <div class="i0">The earth and sky each be a battledore,</div> - <div class="i0">And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour:</div> - <div class="i0">To Doctors Commons for a licence I</div> - <div class="i0">Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet,</div> - <div class="i0">'Twere better to be married at the Fleet.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_164" id="Page_164">[Pg 164]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should</div> - <div class="i0">By that vile place contaminate her blood;</div> - <div class="i0">My quick return shall to my charmer prove</div> - <div class="i0">I travel on the post-horses of love.<a name="FNanchor_131_131" id="FNanchor_131_131"></a><a href="#Footnote_131_131" class="fnanchor">[131]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Those post-horses to me will seem too slow</div> - <div class="i0">Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they</div> - <div class="i0">Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VI.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span>, <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca?</div> - <div class="i0">Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love,</div> - <div class="i0">That light up all with love my waxen soul?<a name="FNanchor_132_132" id="FNanchor_132_132"></a><a href="#Footnote_132_132" class="fnanchor">[132]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Where is that face which artful nature made</div> - <div class="i0">In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?<a name="FNanchor_133_133" id="FNanchor_133_133"></a><a href="#Footnote_133_133" class="fnanchor">[133]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_165" id="Page_165">[Pg 165]</a></span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,<a name="FNanchor_134_134" id="FNanchor_134_134"></a><a href="#Footnote_134_134" class="fnanchor">[134]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste?</div> - <div class="i0">What are these praises now to me, since I</div> - <div class="i0">Am promised to another?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> <span class="mleft6">Ha! promised?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Then I will tear away the leaf <a name="FNanchor_135_135" id="FNanchor_135_135"></a><a href="#Footnote_135_135" class="fnanchor">[135]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow</div> - <div class="i0">So large a gap within its journal-book,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll blot it out at least.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VII.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Glumdalca</span>, <span class="smcap">Tom Thumb</span>, <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,<a name="FNanchor_136_136" id="FNanchor_136_136"></a><a href="#Footnote_136_136" class="fnanchor">[136]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Your brandy-nose proclaims——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft10">I am a princess;</span></div> - <div class="i0">Nor need I ask who you are.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> <span class="mleft7c">A giantess;</span></div> - <div class="i0">The queen of those who made and unmade queens.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> The man whose chief ambition is to be</div> - <div class="i0">My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once</div> - <div class="i0">Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame</div> - <div class="i0">Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands.</div> - <div class="i0">The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,<a name="FNanchor_137_137" id="FNanchor_137_137"></a><a href="#Footnote_137_137" class="fnanchor">[137]</a></div> - <div class="i0">May well sit easy on the hand or foot.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_166" id="Page_166">[Pg 166]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> I glory in the number, and when I</div> - <div class="i0">Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one,</div> - <div class="i0">Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Let me see nearer what this beauty is</div> - <div class="i0">That captivates the heart of men by scores.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Holds a candle to her face.</i></div> - <div class="i0">Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> You'd give the best of shoes within your shop</div> - <div class="i0">To be but half so handsome.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft7e">Since you come</span></div> - <div class="i0">To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:<a name="FNanchor_138_138" id="FNanchor_138_138"></a><a href="#Footnote_138_138" class="fnanchor">[138]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill</div> - <div class="i0">That bed where twenty giants used to lie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> In the balcóny that o'erhangs the stage,</div> - <div class="i0">I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage;</div> - <div class="i0">One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold,</div> - <div class="i0">The other shows a little piece of gold;</div> - <div class="i0">She the half-guinea wisely does purloin,</div> - <div class="i0">And leaves the larger and the baser coin.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this;</div> - <div class="i0">I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,<a name="FNanchor_139_139" id="FNanchor_139_139"></a><a href="#Footnote_139_139" class="fnanchor">[139]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar.</div> - <div class="i0">I'm all within a hurricane, as if</div> - <div class="i0">The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.<a name="FNanchor_140_140" id="FNanchor_140_140"></a><a href="#Footnote_140_140" class="fnanchor">[140]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Confusion,<a name="FNanchor_141_141" id="FNanchor_141_141"></a><a href="#Footnote_141_141" class="fnanchor">[141]</a> horror, murder, gripes, and death!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VIII.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King</span>, <span class="smcap">Glumdalca</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Sure never was so sad a king as I!<a name="FNanchor_142_142" id="FNanchor_142_142"></a><a href="#Footnote_142_142" class="fnanchor">[142]</a></div> - <div class="i0">My life is worn as ragged as a coat<a name="FNanchor_143_143" id="FNanchor_143_143"></a><a href="#Footnote_143_143" class="fnanchor">[143]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_167" id="Page_167">[Pg 167]</a></span> - <div class="i0">A beggar wears; a prince should put it off.</div> - <div class="i0">To love a captive and a giantess!<a name="FNanchor_144_144" id="FNanchor_144_144"></a><a href="#Footnote_144_144" class="fnanchor">[144]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou!</div> - <div class="i0">My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest,</div> - <div class="i0">Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca!<a name="FNanchor_145_145" id="FNanchor_145_145"></a><a href="#Footnote_145_145" class="fnanchor">[145]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make,</div> - <div class="i0">But an angelic soul was shuffled in.</div> - <div class="i0">I am a multitude of walking griefs,<a name="FNanchor_146_146" id="FNanchor_146_146"></a><a href="#Footnote_146_146" class="fnanchor">[146]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And only on her lips the balm is found</div> - <div class="i0">To spread a plaster that might cure them all.<a name="FNanchor_147_147" id="FNanchor_147_147"></a><a href="#Footnote_147_147" class="fnanchor">[147]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> What do I hear?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft6e">What do I see?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> <span class="mleft12a">Oh!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft14a">Ah!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Ah! wretched queen!<a name="FNanchor_148_148" id="FNanchor_148_148"></a><a href="#Footnote_148_148" class="fnanchor">[148]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft9">Oh! wretched king!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> <span class="mleft16d">Ah!</span><a name="FNanchor_149_149" id="FNanchor_149_149"></a><a href="#Footnote_149_149" class="fnanchor">[149]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft18a">Oh!</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_168" id="Page_168">[Pg 168]</a></span></p> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IX.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb, Huncamunca, Parson.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Par.</i> Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing;</div> - <div class="i0">For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night</div> - <div class="i0">Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> It shall be my endeavour so to do.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well:</div> - <div class="i0">I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;<a name="FNanchor_150_150" id="FNanchor_150_150"></a><a href="#Footnote_150_150" class="fnanchor">[150]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I'm so transported, I have lost myself.<a name="FNanchor_151_151" id="FNanchor_151_151"></a><a href="#Footnote_151_151" class="fnanchor">[151]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small,</div> - <div class="i0">That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more.</div> - <div class="i0">So the unhappy sempstress once, they say,</div> - <div class="i0">Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay;</div> - <div class="i0">In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan.</div> - <div class="i0">For ah, the needle was for ever gone.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Par.</i> Long may they live, and love, and propagate,</div> - <div class="i0">Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_169" id="Page_169">[Pg 169]</a></span> - <div class="i0">So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,<a name="FNanchor_152_152" id="FNanchor_152_152"></a><a href="#Footnote_152_152" class="fnanchor">[152]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Another and another still succeeds:</div> - <div class="i0">By thousands and ten thousands they increase,</div> - <div class="i0">Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene X.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Noodle</span>, <i>and then</i> <span class="smcap">Grizzle</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,<a name="FNanchor_153_153" id="FNanchor_153_153"></a><a href="#Footnote_153_153" class="fnanchor">[153]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Or else unfix the world, and in a rage</div> - <div class="i0">To hurl it from its axletree and hinges;</div> - <div class="i0">All things are so confused, the king's in love,</div> - <div class="i0">The queen is drunk, the princess married is.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none</div> - <div class="i0">Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone.</div> - <div class="i0">The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> D—n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?<a name="FNanchor_154_154" id="FNanchor_154_154"></a><a href="#Footnote_154_154" class="fnanchor">[154]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I will not hear one word but Huncamunca.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> By this time she is married to Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> My Huncamunca!<a name="FNanchor_155_155" id="FNanchor_155_155"></a><a href="#Footnote_155_155" class="fnanchor">[155]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Your Huncamunca,</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> If this be true, all womankind are curst.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> If it be not, may I be so myself.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> See where she comes! I'll not believe a word</div> - <div class="i0">Against that face, upon whose ample brow<a name="FNanchor_156_156" id="FNanchor_156_156"></a><a href="#Footnote_156_156" class="fnanchor">[156]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Sits innocence with majesty enthroned.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Grizzle, Huncamunca.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Where has my Huncamunca been? See here.</div> - <div class="i0">The licence in my hand!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft6">Alas! Tom Thumb.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_170" id="Page_170">[Pg 170]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Why dost thou mention him?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft11">Ah, me! Tom Thumb.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> What means my lovely Huncamunca?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft14f">Hum?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Oh! speak.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> <span class="mleft4">Hum!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> <span class="mleft6f">Ha! your every word is hum:</span></div> - <div class="i0">You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.<a name="FNanchor_157_157" id="FNanchor_157_157"></a><a href="#Footnote_157_157" class="fnanchor">[157]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb—I'm on the rack—I'm in a flame.</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb—you love the name;<a name="FNanchor_158_158" id="FNanchor_158_158"></a><a href="#Footnote_158_158" class="fnanchor">[158]</a></div> - <div class="i0">So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb,</div> - <div class="i0">You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom!</div> - <div class="i0">My ample heart for more than one has room:</div> - <div class="i0">A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two.</div> - <div class="i0">I married him, and now I'll marry you.<a name="FNanchor_159_159" id="FNanchor_159_159"></a><a href="#Footnote_159_159" class="fnanchor">[159]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face?</div> - <div class="i0">Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place?</div> - <div class="i0">Since to that office one cannot suffice,</div> - <div class="i0">And since you scorn to dine one single dish on,</div> - <div class="i0">Go, get your husband put into commission.</div> - <div class="i0">Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is)</div> - <div class="i0">The duty of a husband to your highness.</div> - <div class="i0">Yet think not long I will my rival bear,</div> - <div class="i0">Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear;</div> - <div class="i0">The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined</div> - <div class="i0">Within the hollow caverns of my mind,</div> - <div class="i0">In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts,</div> - <div class="i0">And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.<a name="FNanchor_160_160" id="FNanchor_160_160"></a><a href="#Footnote_160_160" class="fnanchor">[160]</a></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_171" id="Page_171">[Pg 171]</a></span> - <div class="i0">So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,<a name="FNanchor_161_161" id="FNanchor_161_161"></a><a href="#Footnote_161_161" class="fnanchor">[161]</a></div> - <div class="i0">A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway,</div> - <div class="i0">Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong,</div> - <div class="i0">Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along.</div> - <div class="i0">The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen,</div> - <div class="i0">Together cram the dirty and the clean,</div> - <div class="i0">And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay</div> - <div class="i0">My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day,</div> - <div class="i0">I, who this morn of two chose which to wed,</div> - <div class="i0">May go again this night alone to bed.</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,<a name="FNanchor_162_162" id="FNanchor_162_162"></a><a href="#Footnote_162_162" class="fnanchor">[162]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool,</div> - <div class="i0">To give the preference to either loth,</div> - <div class="i0">And fondly coveting to sit on both,</div> - <div class="i0">While the two stools her sitting-part confound,</div> - <div class="i0">Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT III.</h4> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> I.—<span class="smcap">King Arthur's</span> <i>Palace.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Ghost</i><a name="FNanchor_163_163" id="FNanchor_163_163"></a><a href="#Footnote_163_163" class="fnanchor">[163]</a> (<i>solus</i>). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_172" id="Page_172">[Pg 172]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail!</div> - <div class="i0">And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats</div> - <div class="i0">Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit,</div> - <div class="i0">All hail!—Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day,</div> - <div class="i0">Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire,</div> - <div class="i0">Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves,</div> - <div class="i0">To the loud music of the silent bell,<a name="FNanchor_164_164" id="FNanchor_164_164"></a><a href="#Footnote_164_164" class="fnanchor">[164]</a></div> - <div class="i0">All hail!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King</span>, <span class="smcap">Ghost</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i>. What noise is this? What villain dares,</div> - <div class="i0">At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane,</div> - <div class="i0">Disturb our royal walls?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost</i>. <span class="mleft6">One who defies</span></div> - <div class="i0">Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares<a name="FNanchor_165_165" id="FNanchor_165_165"></a><a href="#Footnote_165_165" class="fnanchor">[165]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Walk in thy bedchamber.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i>. <span class="mleft6c">Presumptuous slave!</span></div> - <div class="i0">Thou diest.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost</i>. <span class="mleft1c">Threaten others with that word:</span></div> - <div class="i0">I am a ghost, and am already dead.<a name="FNanchor_166_166" id="FNanchor_166_166"></a><a href="#Footnote_166_166" class="fnanchor">[166]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i>. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_173" id="Page_173">[Pg 173]</a></span> - <div class="i0">This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud<a name="FNanchor_167_167" id="FNanchor_167_167"></a><a href="#Footnote_167_167" class="fnanchor">[167]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder,</div> - <div class="i0">Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away.</div> - <div class="i0">Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. <span class="stageright">[<span class="smcap">Ghost</span> <i>retires</i>.</span></div> - <div class="i0">I thought what was the courage of a ghost!<a name="FNanchor_168_168" id="FNanchor_168_168"></a><a href="#Footnote_168_168" class="fnanchor">[168]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Yet, dare not, on thy life—Why say I that,</div> - <div class="i0">Since life thou hast not?—Dare not walk again</div> - <div class="i0">Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea.</div> - <div class="i0">For, if henceforth I ever find thee here,</div> - <div class="i0">As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin,</div> - <div class="i0">The liquor (when alive) whose very smell</div> - <div class="i0">I did detest, did loathe—yet, for the sake</div> - <div class="i0">Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Ha! said you?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> <span class="mleft5b">Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Whose father's ghost I am—once not unknown</div> - <div class="i0">To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true,</div> - <div class="i0">The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> 'Tis he—it is the honest Gaffer Thumb.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> Would I were something more, that we again</div> - <div class="i0">Might feel each other in the warm embrace.</div> - <div class="i0">But now I have th' advantage of my king,</div> - <div class="i0">For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.<a name="FNanchor_169_169" id="FNanchor_169_169"></a><a href="#Footnote_169_169" class="fnanchor">[169]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> But say, thou dearest air,<a name="FNanchor_170_170" id="FNanchor_170_170"></a><a href="#Footnote_170_170" class="fnanchor">[170]</a> oh! say what dread,</div> - <div class="i0">Important business sends thee back to earth?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> Oh! then prepare to hear—which but to hear</div> - <div class="i0">Is full enough to send thy spirit hence.</div> - <div class="i0">Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led,</div> - <div class="i0">Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope</div> - <div class="i0">The shutters of the sky, before the gate</div> - <div class="i0">Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_174" id="Page_174">[Pg 174]</a></span> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,<a name="FNanchor_171_171" id="FNanchor_171_171"></a><a href="#Footnote_171_171" class="fnanchor">[171]</a></div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the stars in frosty nights,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the sand in windy days,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the flowers in spring arise,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the fruits in summer smile,</div> - <div class="i0">So have I seen the snow in winter frown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> D—n all thou hast seen!—dost thou, beneath the shape</div> - <div class="i0">Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me</div> - <div class="i0">With similes, to keep me on the rack?</div> - <div class="i0">Hence—or, by all the torments of thy hell,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.<a name="FNanchor_172_172" id="FNanchor_172_172"></a><a href="#Footnote_172_172" class="fnanchor">[172]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence,</div> - <div class="i0">Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks!</div> - <div class="i0">Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware!</div> - <div class="i0">Strive to avert thy yet impending fate;</div> - <div class="i0">For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day,</div> - <div class="i0">To-morrow all thy care will come too late.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene III</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King</span>, <i>solus</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus!</div> - <div class="i0">And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate,</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! teach me how I may avert it too!</div> - <div class="i0">Curs'd be the man who first a simile made!</div> - <div class="i0">Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes—So have I seen!</div> - <div class="i0">Those whose comparisons are just and true,</div> - <div class="i0">And those who liken things not like at all.</div> - <div class="i0">The devil is happy that the whole creation</div> - <div class="i0">Can furnish out no simile to his fortune.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> IV.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King, Queen</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal</div> - <div class="i0">Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast?</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_175" id="Page_175">[Pg 175]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,<a name="FNanchor_173_173" id="FNanchor_173_173"></a><a href="#Footnote_173_173" class="fnanchor">[173]</a></div> - <div class="i0">When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love!</div> - <div class="i0">I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid</div> - <div class="i0">Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find</div> - <div class="i0">There is no power in drams to quiet wives;</div> - <div class="i0">Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake,</div> - <div class="i0">And shine upon their husbands.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft8d">Think, oh, think!</span></div> - <div class="i0">What a surprise it must be to the sun,</div> - <div class="i0">Rising, to find the vanish'd world away.</div> - <div class="i0">What less can be the wretched wife's surprise</div> - <div class="i0">When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast,</div> - <div class="i0">She found her useless bolster in her arms.</div> - <div class="i0">Think, think, on that.—Oh! think, think well on that!<a name="FNanchor_174_174" id="FNanchor_174_174"></a><a href="#Footnote_174_174" class="fnanchor">[174]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I do remember also to have read</div> - <div class="i0">In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,<a name="FNanchor_175_175" id="FNanchor_175_175"></a><a href="#Footnote_175_175" class="fnanchor">[175]</a></div> - <div class="i0">That Jove in form inanimate did lie</div> - <div class="i0">With beauteous Danaë: and, trust me, love,</div> - <div class="i0">I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.<a name="FNanchor_176_176" id="FNanchor_176_176"></a><a href="#Footnote_176_176" class="fnanchor">[176]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee,</div> - <div class="i0">So many husbands never had worn horns.</div> - <div class="i0">Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake,</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb indeed were blest.—Oh, fatal name</div> - <div class="i0">For didst thou know one quarter what I know,</div> - <div class="i0">Then wouldst thou know—alas! what thou wouldst know!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak</div> - <div class="i0">Like men who carry rareeshows about?</div> - <div class="i0">"Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see."</div> - <div class="i0">O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span> V.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King, Queen, Noodle</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Long life attend your majesties serene,</div> - <div class="i0">Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen!</div> - <div class="i0">Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd,</div> - <div class="i0">Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_176" id="Page_176">[Pg 176]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Unless the princess be deliver'd straight,</div> - <div class="i0">And the victorious Thumb, without his pate,</div> - <div class="i0">They are resolv'd to batter down the gate.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VI</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King</span>, <span class="smcap">Queen</span>, <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>, <span class="smcap">Noodle</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago</div> - <div class="i0">He sallied out t' encounter with the foe,</div> - <div class="i0">And swore, unless his fate had him misled,</div> - <div class="i0">From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head,</div> - <div class="i0">And serve't up with your chocolate in bed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both.</div> - <div class="i0">Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come;</div> - <div class="i0">Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb:</div> - <div class="i0">In peace and safety we secure may stay,</div> - <div class="i0">While to his arm we trust the bloody fray;</div> - <div class="i0">Though men and giants should conspire with gods,</div> - <div class="i0">He is alone equal to all these odds.<a name="FNanchor_177_177" id="FNanchor_177_177"></a><a href="#Footnote_177_177" class="fnanchor">[177]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;<a name="FNanchor_178_178" id="FNanchor_178_178"></a><a href="#Footnote_178_178" class="fnanchor">[178]</a></div> - <div class="i0">While he supports we need not fear to fall;</div> - <div class="i0">His arm despatches all things to our wish,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_177" id="Page_177">[Pg 177]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish.</div> - <div class="i0">Void is the mistress of the house of care,</div> - <div class="i0">While the good cook presents the bill of fare;</div> - <div class="i0">Whether the cod, that northern king of fish,</div> - <div class="i0">Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish,</div> - <div class="i0">No fears the number of her guests afford,</div> - <div class="i0">But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VII.</span>—<i>Plain.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd;</div> - <div class="i0">For, though we have not fought, yet we have found</div> - <div class="i0">No enemy to fight withal.<a name="FNanchor_179_179" id="FNanchor_179_179"></a><a href="#Footnote_179_179" class="fnanchor">[179]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Food.</i> <span class="mleft6f">Yet I,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Methinks, would willingly avoid this day,</div> - <div class="i0">This first of April to engage our foes.<a name="FNanchor_180_180" id="FNanchor_180_180"></a><a href="#Footnote_180_180" class="fnanchor">[180]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose,</div> - <div class="i0">For on this day my grandmother was born.</div> - <div class="i0">Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool;</div> - <div class="i0">Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,<a name="FNanchor_181_181" id="FNanchor_181_181"></a><a href="#Footnote_181_181" class="fnanchor">[181]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And send it post to the Elysian shades.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Food.</i> I'm glad to find our army is so stout,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor does it move my wonder less than joy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> What friends we have, and how we came so strong,<a name="FNanchor_182_182" id="FNanchor_182_182"></a><a href="#Footnote_182_182" class="fnanchor">[182]</a></div> - <div class="i0">I'll softly tell you as we march along.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene VIII.</span>—<i>Thunder and Lightning.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Tom Thumb, Glumdalca</span>, <i>cum suis.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this?</div> - <div class="i0">The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,<a name="FNanchor_183_183" id="FNanchor_183_183"></a><a href="#Footnote_183_183" class="fnanchor">[183]</a></div> - <div class="i0">As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,<a name="FNanchor_184_184" id="FNanchor_184_184"></a><a href="#Footnote_184_184" class="fnanchor">[184]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl;</div> - <div class="i0">Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_178" id="Page_178">[Pg 178]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> Tom Thumb!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> <span class="mleft4f">What voice is this I hear?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> <span class="mleft15c">Tom Thumb!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Again it calls.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> <span class="mleft6b">Tom Thumb!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> <span class="mleft11c">It calls again.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> Thou hast no cause to fear—I am thy friend,</div> - <div class="i0">Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade,</div> - <div class="i0">And to my art thou dost thy being owe.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> How?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6">His father was a ploughman plain,</div> - <div class="i7">His mother milk'd the cow;</div> - <div class="i6">And yet the way to get a son</div> - <div class="i7">This couple knew not how,</div> - <div class="i6">Until such time the good old man</div> - <div class="i7">To learned Merlin goes,</div> - <div class="i6">And there to him, in great distress,</div> - <div class="i7">In secret manner shows</div> - <div class="i6">How in his heart he wish'd to have</div> - <div class="i7">A child, in time to come,</div> - <div class="i6">To be his heir, though it may be</div> - <div class="i7">No bigger than his thumb:</div> - <div class="i6">Of which old Merlin was foretold</div> - <div class="i7">That he his wish should have;</div> - <div class="i6">And so a son of stature small</div> - <div class="i7">The charmer to him gave.<a name="FNanchor_185_185" id="FNanchor_185_185"></a><a href="#Footnote_185_185" class="fnanchor">[185]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thou'st heard the past—look up and see the future.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;<a name="FNanchor_186_186" id="FNanchor_186_186"></a><a href="#Footnote_186_186" class="fnanchor">[186]</a></div> - <div class="i0">See there, Glumdalca, see another me!<a name="FNanchor_187_187" id="FNanchor_187_187"></a><a href="#Footnote_187_187" class="fnanchor">[187]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd</div> - <div class="i0">By the expanded jaws of a red cow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Merl.</i> Let not these sights deter thy noble mind,</div> - <div class="i0">For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.<a name="FNanchor_188_188" id="FNanchor_188_188"></a><a href="#Footnote_188_188" class="fnanchor">[188]</a></div> - <div class="i0">See from afar a theatre arise;</div> - <div class="i0">There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_179" id="Page_179">[Pg 179]</a></span> - <div class="i0">To the heroic actions of this day;</div> - <div class="i0">Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose</div> - <div class="i0">Thy name the best supporter of her muse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Enough: let every warlike music sound.</div> - <div class="i0">We fall contented, if we fall renown'd.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene IX.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Lord Grizzle, Foodle, Rebels</span>, <i>on one side</i>; <span class="smcap">Tom Thumb, -Glumdalca</span>, <i>on the other.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Food.</i> At length the enemy advances nigh,</div> - <div class="i0">I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.<a name="FNanchor_189_189" id="FNanchor_189_189"></a><a href="#Footnote_189_189" class="fnanchor">[189]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight,</div> - <div class="i0">And liberty the mustard is of life.<a name="FNanchor_190_190" id="FNanchor_190_190"></a><a href="#Footnote_190_190" class="fnanchor">[190]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?<a name="FNanchor_191_191" id="FNanchor_191_191"></a><a href="#Footnote_191_191" class="fnanchor">[191]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> The same.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove;</div> - <div class="i0">For liberty I fight.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> And I for love.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecentwo">[<i>A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums -beating, trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, -They fight off and on several times. Some fall.</i> -<span class="smcap">Grizzle</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Glumdalca</span> <i>remain.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Away—thou art too ignoble for my arm.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> Have at thy heart.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> <span class="mleft7f">Nay, then I thrust at thine.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Glum.</i> You push too well; you've run me through the body,</div> - <div class="i0">And I am dead.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> <span class="mleft3">Then there's an end of one.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> When thou art dead, then there's an end of two.</div> - <div class="i0">Villain.<a name="FNanchor_192_192" id="FNanchor_192_192"></a><a href="#Footnote_192_192" class="fnanchor">[192]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_180" id="Page_180">[Pg 180]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Tom Thumb!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Rebel!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Tom Thumb!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Hell!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Huncamunca!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> Thou hast it there.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Too sure I feel it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> To hell then, like a rebel as you are,</div> - <div class="i0">And give my service to the rebels there.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Griz.</i> Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy</div> - <div class="i0">Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send</div> - <div class="i0">My ghost to fetch her to the other world;<a name="FNanchor_193_193" id="FNanchor_193_193"></a><a href="#Footnote_193_193" class="fnanchor">[193]</a></div> - <div class="i0">It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.<a name="FNanchor_194_194" id="FNanchor_194_194"></a><a href="#Footnote_194_194" class="fnanchor">[194]</a></div> - <div class="i0">But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:<a name="FNanchor_195_195" id="FNanchor_195_195"></a><a href="#Footnote_195_195" class="fnanchor">[195]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,<a name="FNanchor_196_196" id="FNanchor_196_196"></a><a href="#Footnote_196_196" class="fnanchor">[196]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And gently whispers it to haste away.</div> - <div class="i0">I come, I come, most willingly I come.</div> - <div class="i0">So when some city wife, for country air,</div> - <div class="i0">To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair,</div> - <div class="i0">Her to make haste her husband does implore,</div> - <div class="i0">And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:"</div> - <div class="i0">With equal wish, desirous to be gone,</div> - <div class="i0">She gets into the coach, and then she cries—"Drive on!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Thumb.</i> With those last words he vomited his soul,<a name="FNanchor_197_197" id="FNanchor_197_197"></a><a href="#Footnote_197_197" class="fnanchor">[197]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.<a name="FNanchor_198_198" id="FNanchor_198_198"></a><a href="#Footnote_198_198" class="fnanchor">[198]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Bear off the body, and cut off the head,</div> - <div class="i0">Which I will to the king in triumph lug.</div> - <div class="i0">Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_181" id="Page_181">[Pg 181]</a></span></p> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene X.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King, Queen, Huncamunca, Courtiers.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Open the prisons, set the wretched free,</div> - <div class="i0">And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds</div> - <div class="i0">To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day.</div> - <div class="i0">Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name!<a name="FNanchor_199_199" id="FNanchor_199_199"></a><a href="#Footnote_199_199" class="fnanchor">[199]</a></div> - <div class="i0">It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it.</div> - <div class="i0">By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,</div> - <div class="i0">Or any other civil monosyllable,</div> - <div class="i0">That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down.</div> - <div class="i0">Here seated let us view the dancers' sports;</div> - <div class="i0">Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day</div> - <div class="i0">Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;</div> - <div class="i0">Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,<a name="FNanchor_200_200" id="FNanchor_200_200"></a><a href="#Footnote_200_200" class="fnanchor">[200]</a></div> - <div class="i0">And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. <span class="stageright">[<i>A dance here.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible—Oh! oh!</div> - <div class="i0">Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes!</div> - <div class="i0">Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost!</div> - <div class="i0">Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts!<a name="FNanchor_201_201" id="FNanchor_201_201"></a><a href="#Footnote_201_201" class="fnanchor">[201]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> What does the blockhead mean?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> <span class="mleft12e">I mean, my liege,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Only to grace my tale with decent horror.<a name="FNanchor_202_202" id="FNanchor_202_202"></a><a href="#Footnote_202_202" class="fnanchor">[202]</a></div> - <div class="i0">Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,</div> - <div class="i0">I look'd abroad into the streets below,</div> - <div class="i0">I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob;</div> - <div class="i0">Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,</div> - <div class="i0">Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs;</div> - <div class="i0">Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle;</div> - <div class="i0">When of a sudden through the streets there came</div> - <div class="i0">A cow, of larger than the usual size,</div> - <div class="i0">And in a moment—guess, oh! guess the rest!—</div> - <div class="i0">And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer</div> - <div class="i0">Not give three farthings out—hang all the culprits,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_182" id="Page_182">[Pg 182]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Guilty or not—no matter. Kill my cows!</div> - <div class="i0">Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys!</div> - <div class="i0">Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose,</div> - <div class="i0">To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Not so much in a swoon but I have still</div> - <div class="i0">Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Noodle</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Nood.</i> Oh! I am slain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cle.</i> My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills the</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hunc.</i> My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Cleora</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dood.</i> This for an old grudge to thy heart. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Huncamunca</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Must.</i> And this</div> - <div class="i0">I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Doodle</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Ha! murderess vile, take that. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills</i> <span class="smcap">Must</span>.</span></div> - <div class="i0">And take thou this.<a name="FNanchor_203_203" id="FNanchor_203_203"></a><a href="#Footnote_203_203" class="fnanchor">[203]</a> <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills himself, and falls.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards,</div> - <div class="i0">Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards,</div> - <div class="i0">Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down,</div> - <div class="i0">Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;</div> - <div class="i0">So all our pack upon the floor is cast,</div> - <div class="i0">And all I boast is—that I fall the last. <span class="stageright">[<i>Dies.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_183" id="Page_183">[Pg 183]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS" id="CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS"></a><span class="smcap">Chrononhotonthologos</span>:</h2> - -<p class="p1b">THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D -BY ANY COMPANY OF TRAGEDIANS.</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="p1a">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> - <ul class="index"> - <li class="indx"><span class="smcap">Chrononhotonthologos</span>, <em>King of Queerummania</em>.</li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Bombardinian</span>, <em>his General</em>.</li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Aldiborontiphoscophornio</span>,</li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Rigdum-Funnidos</span>, <span class="mleft3">[<em>Courtiers</em>.</span></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Captain of the Guards.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Herald.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Cook.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Doctor.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>King of the Fiddlers.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>King of the Antipodes.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Fadladinida</span>, <em>Queen of Queerummania</em>.</li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Tatlanthe</span>, <em>her favourite</em>.</li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Two Ladies of the Court.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><em>Two Ladies of Pleasure.</em></li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Venus</span>.</li> - <li class="isub1"><span class="smcap">Cupid</span>.</li> - <li class="isub1">Guards and Attendants, &c.</li> - - <li class="indx">SCENE.—<span class="smcap">Queerummania</span>.</li> - </ul> -</div> -</div> - - -<h4>PROLOGUE.</h4> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">To night our comic muse the buskin wears,</div> - <div class="i0">And gives herself no small romantic airs;</div> - <div class="i0">Struts in heroics, and in pompous verse</div> - <div class="i0">Does the minutest incidents rehearse;</div> - <div class="i0">In ridicule's strict retrospect displays</div> - <div class="i0">The poetasters of these modern days:</div> - <div class="i0">Who with big bellowing bombast rend our ears,</div> - <div class="i0">Which, stript of sound, quite void of sense appears;</div> - <div class="i0">Or else their fiddle-faddle numbers flow,</div> - <div class="i0">Serenely dull, elaborately low.</div> - <div class="i0">Either extreme, when vain pretenders take,</div> - <div class="i0">The actor suffers for the author's sake.</div> - <div class="i0">The quite-tir'd audience lose whole hours; yet pay</div> - <div class="i0">To go unpleas'd and unimprov'd away.</div> - <div class="i0">This being our scheme, we hope you will excuse</div> - <div class="i0">The wild excursion of the wanton muse</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_184" id="Page_184">[Pg 184]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Who out of frolic wears a mimic mask,</div> - <div class="i0">And sets herself so whimsical a task:</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis meant to please, but if should offend,</div> - <div class="i0">It's very short, and soon will have an end.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<em>An Anti-Chamber in the Palace.</em></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Rigdum-Funnidos</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Aldiborontiphoscophornio</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig-Fun.</i> Aldiborontiphoscophornio!</div> - <div class="i0">Where left you Chrononhotonthologos?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> Fatigu'd with the tremendous toils of war,</div> - <div class="i0">Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent,</div> - <div class="i0">Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers,</div> - <div class="i0">Lull'd by the cheerful trumpets gladsome clangour,</div> - <div class="i0">The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery,</div> - <div class="i0">He sleeps supine amidst the din of war.</div> - <div class="i0">And yet 'tis not definitively sleep;</div> - <div class="i0">Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber,</div> - <div class="i0">That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses;</div> - <div class="i0">For now he nods and snores; anon he starts;</div> - <div class="i0">Then nods and snores again. If this be sleep,</div> - <div class="i0">Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake!</div> - <div class="i0">What says my friend to this?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig.-Fun.</i> Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: What a plague</div> - <div class="i0">would you have me say?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> O impious thought! O curst insinuation!</div> - <div class="i0">As if great Chrononhotonthologos</div> - <div class="i0">To animals detestable and vile</div> - <div class="i0">Had aught the least similitude!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig.</i> My dear friend! you entirely misapprehend me: I</div> - <div class="i0">did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you</div> - <div class="i0">that the soldiers have just now receiv'd their pay, and are all as</div> - <div class="i0">drunk as so many swabbers.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> Give orders instantly that no more money</div> - <div class="i0">Be issued to the troops. Meantime, my friend,</div> - <div class="i0">Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee,</div> - <div class="i0">To stupefy their souls into sobriety.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig.</i> I fancy you had better banish the sutlers, and blow the</div> - <div class="i0">Geneva casks to the devil.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> Thou counsel'st well, my Rigdum-Funnidos,</div> - <div class="i0">And reason seems to father thy advice.</div> - <div class="i0">But soft!—The king in pensive contemplation</div> - <div class="i0">Seems to resolve on some important doubt;</div> - <div class="i0">His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric,</div> - <div class="i0">Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy,</div> - <div class="i0">And makes his tongue the midwife of his mind.</div> - <div class="i0">Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. <span class="stageright">[<i>They retire.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_185" id="Page_185">[Pg 185]</a></span> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> This god of sleep is watchful to torment me,</div> - <div class="i0">And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes:</div> - <div class="i0">Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou idle slumb'rer, thou detested Somnus:</div> - <div class="i0">For if thou dost, by all the waking pow'rs,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll tear thine eyeballs from their leaden sockets,</div> - <div class="i0">And force thee to outstare eternity. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit in a huff.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Rigdum</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Aldiboronti</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig.</i> The king is in a most vile passion! Pray who is this</div> - <div class="i0">Mr. Somnus he's so angry withal?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> The son of Chaos and of Erebus.</div> - <div class="i0">Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue,</div> - <div class="i0">Astonish all mankind with hideous glare;</div> - <div class="i0">Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent,</div> - <div class="i0">Brings downy slumbers and refreshing sleep.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig-Fun.</i> This gentleman may come of a very good family,</div> - <div class="i0">for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> But, lo! the king his footsteps this way bending,</div> - <div class="i0">His cogitative faculties immers'd</div> - <div class="i0">In cogibundity of cogitation:</div> - <div class="i0">Let silence close our folding-doors of speech,</div> - <div class="i0">Till apt attention tell our heart the purport</div> - <div class="i0">Of this profound profundity of thought.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>, <span class="smcap">Nobles</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Attendants</span>, <i>&c.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> It is resolv'd. Now, Somnus, I defy thee,</div> - <div class="i0">And from mankind ampute thy curs'd dominion.</div> - <div class="i0">These royal eyes thou never more shalt close.</div> - <div class="i0">Henceforth let no man sleep, on pain of death:</div> - <div class="i0">Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry</div> - <div class="i0">Keep all mankind eternally awake.</div> - <div class="i0">Bid Harlequino decorate the stage</div> - <div class="i0">With all magnificence of decoration:</div> - <div class="i0">Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pigmies,</div> - <div class="i0">Songs, dances, music in its amplest order,</div> - <div class="i0">Mimes, pantomimes, and all the magic motion</div> - <div class="i0">Of scene deceptiosive and sublime. <span class="stageright">[<i>The flat scene draws.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecentwo">[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">King</span> <i>is seated, and a grand pantomime -entertainment is performed, in the midst of -which enters a</i> <span class="smcap">Captain of the Guard</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Capt.</i> To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos!</div> - <div class="i0">Th' antipodean pow'rs from realms below</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_186" id="Page_186">[Pg 186]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Have burst the solid entrails of the earth;</div> - <div class="i0">Gushing such cataracts of forces forth,</div> - <div class="i0">This world is too incopious to contain 'em:</div> - <div class="i0">Armies on armies, march in form stupendous;</div> - <div class="i0">Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank,</div> - <div class="i0">But tier o'er tier, high pil'd from earth to heaven;</div> - <div class="i0">A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun,</div> - <div class="i0">Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin,</div> - <div class="i0">Has laid your royal citadel in ashes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Peace, coward! were they wedg'd like golden ingots,</div> - <div class="i0">Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum;</div> - <div class="i0">One look from Crononhotonthologos</div> - <div class="i0">Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funnidos,</div> - <div class="i0">Bid Bombardinion draw his legions forth,</div> - <div class="i0">And meet us in the plains of Queerummania.</div> - <div class="i0">This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him;</div> - <div class="i0">Meantime, bid all the priests prepare their temples</div> - <div class="i0">For rites of triumph: let the singing singers,</div> - <div class="i0">With vocal voices, most vociferous,</div> - <div class="i0">In sweet vociferation, outvociferize</div> - <div class="i0">Ev'n sound itself. So be it as we have order'd. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>A magnificent Apartment.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecentwo"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>, <span class="smcap">Tatlanthe</span>, <i>and two</i> <span class="smcap">Ladies</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Day's curtain drawn, the morn begins to rise,</div> - <div class="i0">And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes:</div> - <div class="i0">The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks,</div> - <div class="i0">In baas harmonious warble thro' the rocks:</div> - <div class="i0">Night gathers up her shades in sable shrouds,</div> - <div class="i0">And whispering osiers tattle to the clouds.</div> - <div class="i0">What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill,</div> - <div class="i0">At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Your majesty was pleas'd to order tea.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> My mind is alter'd; bring some ratifia. <span class="stageright">[<i>They are served round with a dram.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">I have a famous fiddler sent from France.</div> - <div class="i0">Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Fiddler</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fid.</i> Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse,</div> - <div class="i0">Would you a solo or sonata choose;</div> - <div class="i0">Or bold concerto or soft Sicilinia,</div> - <div class="i0">Alla Francese overo in Gusto Romano?</div> - <div class="i0">When you command, 'tis done as soon as spoke.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_187" id="Page_187">[Pg 187]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> A civil fellow! Play us the "Black Joak." <span class="stageright">[<i>Music plays.</i></span></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<span class="smcap">Queen</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Ladies</span> <i>dance the</i> "Black Joak."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">So much for dancing; now let's rest a while.</div> - <div class="i0">Bring in the tea-things. Does the kettle boil?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip,</div> - <div class="i0">Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. <span class="stageright">[<i>Tea brought in.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Come, ladies, will you please to choose your tea;</div> - <div class="i0">Or green imperial, or Pekoe Bohea?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Lady.</i> Never, no, never sure on earth was seen,</div> - <div class="i0">So gracious sweet and affable a queen.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Lady.</i> She is an angel.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Lady.</i> She's a goddess rather.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> She's angel, queen, and goddess, altogether.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Away! you flatter me.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Lady.</i> We don't indeed:</div> - <div class="i0">Your merit does our praise by far exceed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> You make me blush; pray help me to a fan.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Lady.</i> That blush becomes you.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Would I were a man.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> I'll hear no more of these fantastic airs. <span class="stageright">[<i>Bell rings.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">The bell rings in. Come, ladies, let's to pray'rs. <span class="stageright">[<i>They dance off.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>An Anti-Chamber.</i></p> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Rigdum-Funnidos</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Aldiborontiphoscophornio</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Rig.</i> Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would -have thought that Chrononhotonthologos should beat that mortal -sight of Tippodeans? Why, there's not a mother's child of them -to be seen, egad, they footed it away as fast as their hands could -carry 'em; but they have left their king behind 'em. We have -him safe, that's one comfort.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> Would he were still at amplest liberty.</div> - <div class="i0">For, oh! my dearest Rigdum-Funnidos;</div> - <div class="i0">I have a riddle to unriddle to thee,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall make thee stare thyself into a statue.</div> - <div class="i0">Our queen's in love with this Antipodean.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rigdum.</i> The devil she is? Well, I see mischief is going</div> - <div class="i0">forward with a vengeance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> But, lo! the conq'ror comes all crown'd with conquest!</div> - <div class="i0">A solemn triumph graces his return.</div> - <div class="i0">Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion,</div> - <div class="i0">To greet the victor, in his flow of glory.<span class="stageright">[<i>A grand triumph.</i>]</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_188" id="Page_188">[Pg 188]</a></span> -<div class="stagetwo"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Chrononhotonthologos</span>, <span class="smcap">Guards</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Attendants</span>, -<i>&c., met by</i> <span class="smcap">Rigdum-Funnidos</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Aldiborontiphoscophornio</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> All hail to Chrononhotonthologos!</div> - <div class="i0">Thrice trebly welcome to your royal subjects.</div> - <div class="i0">Myself, and faithful Rigdum-Funnidos,</div> - <div class="i0">Lost in a labyrinth of love and loyalty,</div> - <div class="i0">Entreat you to inspect our inmost souls,</div> - <div class="i0">And read in them what tongue can never utter.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Chro.</i> Aldiborontiphoscophornio,</div> - <div class="i0">To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos,</div> - <div class="i0">Our gratulations flow in streams unbounded:</div> - <div class="i0">Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty,</div> - <div class="i0">Which shall with inter'st be repaid ere long.</div> - <div class="i0">But where's our queen? where's Fadladinida?</div> - <div class="i0">She should be foremost in the gladsome train,</div> - <div class="i0">To grace our triumph; but I see she slights me.</div> - <div class="i0">This haughty queen shall be no longer mine,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Rig.</i> Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a swinging lie to -bring the queen off, and I'll run with it to her this minute, that -we may be all in a story. Say she has got the thorough-go-nimble. <span class="stageright">[<i>Whispers, and steals off.</i></span><br /></p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos,</div> - <div class="i0">In accents so injuriously severe</div> - <div class="i0">Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen:</div> - <div class="i0">By me she sends an embassy of love,</div> - <div class="i0">Sweet blandishments and kind congratulations,</div> - <div class="i0">But cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Our rage is turn'd to fear: what ails the queen?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> A sudden diarrhœa's rapid force,</div> - <div class="i0">So stimulates the peristaltic motion,</div> - <div class="i0">That she by far out-does her late out-doing,</div> - <div class="i0">And all conclude her royal life in danger.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Bid the physicians of the world assemble</div> - <div class="i0">In consultation, solemn and sedate:</div> - <div class="i0">More, to corroborate their sage resolves,</div> - <div class="i0">Call from their graves the learned men of old:</div> - <div class="i0">Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus;</div> - <div class="i0">Doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, chemists,</div> - <div class="i0">All! all! attend; and see they bring their med'cines,</div> - <div class="i0">Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums,</div> - <div class="i0">Materializ'd in pharmaceutic order.</div> - <div class="i0">The man that cures our queen shall have our empire. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt omnes.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_189" id="Page_189">[Pg 189]</a></span></p> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>A Garden.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Tatlanthe</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Heigh ho! my heart!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> <span class="mleft9c">What ails my gracious queen?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Oh, would to Venus I had never seen!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Seen what, my royal mistress?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft10e">Too, too much!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Did it affright you?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft6d">No, 'tis nothing such.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> What was it, madam?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft7b">Really I don't know.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> It must be something!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft7g">No!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> <span class="mleft10g">Or nothing!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft14c">No.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Then I conclude, of course, since it was neither,</div> - <div class="i0">Nothing and something jumbled well together.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Oh! my Tatlanthe, have you never seen!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Can I guess what, unless you tell, my queen?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> The king I mean.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> <span class="mleft8">Just now return'd from war:</span></div> - <div class="i0">He rides like Mars in his triumphal car.</div> - <div class="i0">Conquest precedes with laurels in his hand;</div> - <div class="i0">Behind him Fame does on her tripos stand;</div> - <div class="i0">Her golden trump shrill thro' the air she sounds,</div> - <div class="i0">Which rends the earth, and then to heaven rebounds;</div> - <div class="i0">Trophies and spoils innumerable grace</div> - <div class="i0">This triumph, which all triumphs does deface:</div> - <div class="i0">Haste then, great queen! your hero thus to meet,</div> - <div class="i0">Who longs to lay his laurels at your feet.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Art mad, Tatlanthe? I meant no such thing.</div> - <div class="i0">Your talk's distasteful.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> <span class="mleft6b">Didn't you name the king?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> I did, Tatlanthe, but it was not thine;</div> - <div class="i0">The charming king I mean is only mine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Who else, who else, but such a charming fair,</div> - <div class="i0">In Chrononhotonthologos should share?</div> - <div class="i0">The queen of beauty, and the god of arms,</div> - <div class="i0">In him and you united blend their charms.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! had you seen him, how he dealt out death,</div> - <div class="i0">And at one stroke robb'd thousands of their breath:</div> - <div class="i0">While on the slaughter'd heaps himself did rise,</div> - <div class="i0">In pyramids of conquest to the skies.</div> - <div class="i0">The gods all hail'd, and fain would have him stay;</div> - <div class="i0">But your bright charms have call'd him thence away.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_190" id="Page_190">[Pg 190]</a></span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> This does my utmost indignation raise:</div> - <div class="i0">You are too pertly lavish in his praise.</div> - <div class="i0">Leave me for ever! <span class="stageright">[<span class="smcap">Tatlanthe</span> <i>kneeling.</i></span></div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> <span class="mleft5b">Oh! what shall I say?</span></div> - <div class="i0">Do not, great queen, your anger thus display!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, frown me dead! let me not live to hear</div> - <div class="i0">My gracious queen and mistress so severe!</div> - <div class="i0">I've made some horrible mistake, no doubt;</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! tell me what it is!</div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft5">No, find it out.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> No, I will never leave you; here I'll grow</div> - <div class="i0">Till you some token of forgiveness show.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! all ye powers above, come down, come down!</div> - <div class="i0">And from her brow dispel that angry frown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Tatlanthe, rise, you have prevail'd at last;</div> - <div class="i0">Offend no more, and I'll excuse what's past. <span class="stageright">[<span class="smcap">Tatlanthe</span> <i>aside, rising.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Why, what a fool was I, not to perceive her passion for -the topsy-turvy king—the gentleman that carries his head where -his heels should be! But I must tack about, I see.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>To the</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Excuse me, gracious madam, if my heart</div> - <div class="i0">Bears sympathy with yours in every part;</div> - <div class="i0">With you alike, I sorrow and rejoice,</div> - <div class="i0">Approve your passion, and commend your choice;</div> - <div class="i0">The captive king.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> <span class="mleft3">That's he! that's he! that's he!</span></div> - <div class="i0">I'd die ten thousand deaths to set him free.</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! my Tatlanthe! have you seen his face,</div> - <div class="i0">His air, his shape, his mien, his ev'ry grace?</div> - <div class="i0">In what a charming attitude he stands,</div> - <div class="i0">How prettily he foots it with his hands!</div> - <div class="i0">Well, to his arms, no to his legs I fly,</div> - <div class="i0">For I must have him, if I live or die. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>A Bedchamber.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Chrononhotonthologos</span> <i>asleep.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagetwo">[<i>Rough music, viz., salt-boxes and rolling-pins, -gridirons and tongs; sow-gelders' horns, marrowbones -and cleavers, &c. &c. He wakes.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Chro.</i> What heav'nly sounds are these that charm my ears!</div> - <div class="i0">Sure 'tis the music of the tuneful spheres.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_191" id="Page_191">[Pg 191]</a></span> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Captain of the Guards</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cap.</i> A messenger from Gen'ral Bombardinion</div> - <div class="i0">Craves instant audience of your majesty.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Chro.</i> Give him admittance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Herald</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Her.</i> Long life to Chrononhotonthologos!</div> - <div class="i0">Your faithful Gen'ral Bombardinion</div> - <div class="i0">Sends you his tongue, transplanted in my mouth,</div> - <div class="i0">To pour his soul out in your royal ears.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Chro.</i> Then use thy master's tongue with reverence.</div> - <div class="i0">Nor waste it in thine own loquacity,</div> - <div class="i0">But briefly and at large declare thy message.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Her.</i> Suspend awhile, great Chrononhotonthologos,</div> - <div class="i0">The fate of empires and the toils of war;</div> - <div class="i0">And in my tent let's quaff Falernian wine</div> - <div class="i0">Till our souls mount and emulate the gods.</div> - <div class="i0">Two captive females, beauteous as the morn,</div> - <div class="i0">Submissive to your wishes, court your option.</div> - <div class="i0">Haste then, great king, to bless us with your presence.</div> - <div class="i0">Our scouts already watch the wish'd approach,</div> - <div class="i0">Which shall be welcom'd by the drums' dread rattle,</div> - <div class="i0">The cannons' thunder, and the trumpets' blast;</div> - <div class="i0">While I, in front of mighty myrmidons,</div> - <div class="i0">Receive my king in all the pomp of war.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Chro.</i> Tell him I come; my flying steed prepare;</div> - <div class="i0">Ere thou art half on horseback I'll be there. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>A Prison.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>The King of the Antipodes discover'd sleeping on a couch. -Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Is this a place, oh! all ye gods above,</div> - <div class="i0">This a reception for the man I love?</div> - <div class="i0">See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps,</div> - <div class="i0">While Nature's self at his confinement weeps.</div> - <div class="i0">Rise, lovely monarch! see your friend appear,</div> - <div class="i0">No Chrononhotonthologos is here;</div> - <div class="i0">Command your freedom, by this sacred ring;</div> - <div class="i0">Then command me. What says my charming king?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>She puts the ring in his mouth, he bends the -sea-crab, and makes a roaring noise.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> What can this mean! he lays his feet at mine:</div> - <div class="i0">Is this of love or hate, his country's sign?</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_192" id="Page_192">[Pg 192]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Ah! wretched queen! how hapless is thy lot,</div> - <div class="i0">To love a man that understands thee not!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! lovely Venus, goddess all divine!</div> - <div class="i0">And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine,</div> - <div class="i0">Assist, assist me, with your sacred art,</div> - <div class="i0">And teach me to obtain this stranger's heart.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Venus</span> <i>descends in her chariot, and sings.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Air</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Ven.</i> See Venus does attend thee,</div> - <div class="i15">My dilding, my dolding.</div> - <div class="i5">Love's goddess will befriend thee,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft1">Lily bright and shiny.</span></div> - <div class="i5">With pity and compassion.</div> - <div class="i15">My dilding, my dolding,</div> - <div class="i5">She sees thy tender passion,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft2">Lily, &c. <i>Da capo.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i xml:lang="it" lang="it">Air changes.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">To thee I yield my pow'r divine,</div> - <div class="i15">Dance over the Lady Lee,</div> - <div class="i5">Demand whate'er thou wilt, 'tis thine,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft5a">My gay lady.</span></div> - <div class="i5">Take this magic wand in hand,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft5g">Dance, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">All the world's at thy command,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft1d">My gay, &c. <i xml:lang="it" lang="it">Da capo</i>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Cupid</span> <i>descends and sings.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Air</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">Are you a widow, or are you a wife?</div> - <div class="i13">Gilly-flow'r, gentle rosemary.</div> - <div class="i5">Or are you a maiden, so fair and so bright?</div> - <div class="i7">As the dew that flies over the mulberry-tree.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> Would I were a widow, as I am a wife,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">Gilly-flow'r, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">But I'm to my sorrow, a maiden as bright,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3c">As the dew, &c.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Cupid.</i> You shall be a widow before it is night,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">Gilly-flow'r, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">No longer a maiden so fair and so bright,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">As the dew, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">Two jolly young husbands your favour shall share,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">Gilly-flow'r, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">And twenty fine babies all lovely and fair,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">As the dew, &c.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> O thanks, Mr. Cupid! for this your good news,</div> - <div class="i15"> <span class="mleft3">Gilly-flow'r, &c.</span></div> - <div class="i5">What woman alive would such favours refuse?</div> - <div class="i14"> <span class="mleft3">While the dew, &c.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagetwo">[<span class="smcap">Venus</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Cupid</span> <i>re-ascend; the</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span> <i>goes off, -and the King of the Antipodes follows, walking -on his hands. Scene closes.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_193" id="Page_193">[Pg 193]</a></span> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<span class="smcap">Bombardinion's</span> <i>Tent.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">King</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Bombardinion</span>, <i>at a table, with two Ladies.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> This honour, royal sir! so royalizes</div> - <div class="i0">The royalty of your most royal actions,</div> - <div class="i0">The dumb can only utter forth your praise;</div> - <div class="i0">For we, who speak, want words to tell our meaning.</div> - <div class="i0">Here! fill the goblet with Falernian wine,</div> - <div class="i0">And, while our monarch drinks, bid the shrill trumpet</div> - <div class="i0">Tell all the gods, that we propine their healths.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Hold, Bombardinion, I esteem it fit,</div> - <div class="i0">With so much wine, to eat a little bit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> See that the table instantly be spread,</div> - <div class="i0">With all that art and nature can produce.</div> - <div class="i0">Traverse from pole to pole; sail round the globe,</div> - <div class="i0">Bring every eatable that can be eat:</div> - <div class="i0">The king shall eat; tho' all mankind be starv'd.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cook.</i> I am afraid his majesty will be starv'd, before I can</div> - <div class="i0">run round the world, for a dinner; besides, where's the money?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Ha! dost thou prattle, contumacious slave?</div> - <div class="i0">Guards, seize the villain? broil him, fry him, stew him;</div> - <div class="i0">Ourselves shall eat him out of mere revenge.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cook.</i> O pray, your majesty, spare my life; there's some nice</div> - <div class="i0">cold pork in the pantry: I'll hash it for your majesty in a</div> - <div class="i0">minute.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Be thou first hash'd in hell, audacious slave.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Kills him, and turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Bombardinion</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hash'd pork! shall Chrononhotonthologos</div> - <div class="i0">Be fed with swine's flesh, and at second-hand?</div> - <div class="i0">Now, by the gods! thou dost insult us, general!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> The gods can witness, that I little thought</div> - <div class="i0">Your majesty to other flesh than this</div> - <div class="i0">Had aught the least propensity. <span class="stageright">[<i>Points to the ladies.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Is this a dinner for a hungry monarch?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> Monarchs, as great as Chrononhotonthologos,</div> - <div class="i0">Have made a very hearty meal of worse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i> Ha! traitor! dost thou brave me to my teeth?</div> - <div class="i0">Take this reward, and learn to mock thy master. <span class="stageright">[<i>Strikes him.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> A blow! shall Bombardinion take a blow?</div> - <div class="i0">Blush! blush, thou sun! start back thou rapid ocean!</div> - <div class="i0">Hills! vales! seas! mountains! all commixing crumble,</div> - <div class="i0">And into chaos pulverize the world;</div> - <div class="i0">For Bombardinion has receiv'd a blow,</div> - <div class="i0">And Chrononhotonthologos shall die. <span class="stageright">[<i>Draws.</i></span></div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The women run off, crying, "Help! Murder!" &c.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_194" id="Page_194">[Pg 194]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> What means the traitor?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> <span class="mleft9">Traitor in thy teeth,</span></div> - <div class="i0">Thus I defy thee! <span class="stageright">[<i>They fight, he kills the King.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i7">Ha! what have I done?</div> - <div class="i0">Go, call a coach, and let a coach be call'd;</div> - <div class="i0">And let the man that calls it be the caller;</div> - <div class="i0">And, in his calling, let him nothing call,</div> - <div class="i0">But coach! coach! coach! Oh! for a coach, ye gods! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit raving.</i></span></div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Returns with a</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> How fares your majesty?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Doct.</i> <span class="mleft10e">My lord, he's dead.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> Ha! dead! impossible! it cannot be!</div> - <div class="i0">I'd not believe it, tho' himself should swear it.</div> - <div class="i0">Go join his body to his soul again,</div> - <div class="i0">Or, by this light, thy soul shall quit thy body.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Doct.</i> My lord, he's far beyond the power of physic,</div> - <div class="i0">His soul has left his body and this world.</div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bomb.</i> Then go to t'other world and fetch it back. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills him.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">And, if I find thou triflest with me there,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll chase thy shade through myriads of orbs,</div> - <div class="i0">And drive thee far beyond the verge of Nature.</div> - <div class="i0">Ha!—Call'st thou, Chrononhotonthologos?</div> - <div class="i0">I come! your faithful Bombardinion comes!</div> - <div class="i0">He comes in worlds unknown to make new wars,</div> - <div class="i0">And gain thee empires num'rous as the stars. <span class="stageright">[<i>Kills himself.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span> <i>and others.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi.</i> O horrid! horrible, and horrid'st horror!</div> - <div class="i0">Our king! our general! our cook! our doctor!</div> - <div class="i0">All dead! stone dead! irrevocably dead!</div> - <div class="i0">O——h!—— <span class="stageright">[<i>All groan, a tragedy groan.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> My husband dead! ye gods! what is't you mean,</div> - <div class="i0">To make a widow of a virgin queen?</div> - <div class="i0">For, to my great misfortune, he, poor king,</div> - <div class="i0">Has left me so; aint that a wretched thing?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> Why then, dear madam, make me no farther pother,</div> - <div class="i0">Were I your majesty, I'd try another.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen.</i> I think 'tis best to follow thy advice.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Tat.</i> I'll fit you with a husband in a trice:</div> - <div class="i0">Here's Rigdum-Funnidos, a proper man;</div> - <div class="i0">If any one can please a queen, he can.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig-Fun.</i> Ay, that I can, and please your majesty.</div> - <div class="i0">So, ceremonies apart, let's proceed to business.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_195" id="Page_195">[Pg 195]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen</i>. Oh! but the mourning takes up all my care,</div> - <div class="i0">I'm at a loss what kind of weeds to wear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig-Fun</i>. Never talk of mourning, madam,</div> - <div class="i0">One ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow,</div> - <div class="i0">Take me at once, and let us wed to-morrow.</div> - <div class="i0">I'll make thee a great man, my little Phoscophorny. <span class="stageright">[<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Aldi</span>, <i>aside</i>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi</i>. I scorn your bounty; I'll be king, or nothing.</div> - <div class="i0">Draw, miscreant! draw!</div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Rig</i>. <span class="mleft7">No, sir, I'll take the law.</span> <span class="stageright">[<i>Runs behind the</i> <span class="smcap">Queen</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Queen</i>. Well, gentlemen, to make the matter easy,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll have you both; and that, I hope, will please ye.</div> - <div class="i0">And now, Tatlanthe, thou art all my care:</div> - <div class="i0">Where shall I find thee such another pair?</div> - <div class="i0">Pity that you, who've serv'd so long, so well,</div> - <div class="i0">Should die a virgin, and lead apes in hell.</div> - <div class="i0">Choose for yourself, dear girl, our empire round,</div> - <div class="i0">Your portion is twelve hundred thousand pound.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aldi</i>. Here! take these dead and bloody corps away;</div> - <div class="i0">Make preparation for our wedding day.</div> - <div class="i0">Instead of sad solemnity, and black,</div> - <div class="i0">Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_196" id="Page_196"></a></span></p> - -<p class="p4a"><em>The next piece is taken from successive numbers of</em> <span class="smcap">The -Anti-Jacobin</span>, <em>which was planned by</em> Canning, <em>and of -which the first number appeared on the</em> 20th <em>of November</em>, -1797. "<em>The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement</em>," -<em>was the joint work of</em> George Canning, George Ellis, -<em>and</em> John Hookham Frere.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_197" id="Page_197"></a></span></p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="THE_ROVERS" id="THE_ROVERS"></a><span class="smcap">The Rovers</span>;<br /> - -<span class="small">OR, THE DOUBLE ARRANGEMENT.</span></h2> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - - -<p class="p1a">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Prior</span> <em>of the</em> <span class="smcap">Abbey</span> <em>of</em> <span class="smcap">Quedlinburgh</span>, -<em>very corpulent and cruel</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Rogero</span>, <em>a Prisoner in the Abbey, -in love with</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda Pottingen</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Casimere</span>, <em>a Polish Emigrant, in -Dembrowsky's Legion, married -to</em> <span class="smcap">Cecilia</span>, <em>but having several -children by</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> <em>and</em> <span -class="smcap">Beefington</span>, <em>English Noblemen exiled by the -Tyranny of King John, previous to the signature of Magna Charta</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Roderic</span>, <em>Count of Saxe Weimar, -a bloody Tyrant, with red hair, -and an amorous complexion</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Gaspar</span>, <em>the Minister of the Count; -Author of</em> <span class="smcap">Rogero's</span> <em>confinement</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><em>Young</em> <span class="smcap">Pottingen</span>, <em>brother to</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Matilda Pottingen</span>, <em>in love with</em> -<span class="smcap">Rogero</span>, <em>and mother to</em> <span class="smcap">Casimere's</span> -<em>children</em>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Cecilia Mückenfeld</span>, <em>wife to</em> -<span class="smcap">Casimere</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><em>Landlady, Waiter, Grenadiers, -Troubadours, &c.</em></p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Pantalowsky</span>, <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Britchinda</span>, -<em>children of</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span>, <em>by</em> <span class="smcap">Casimere</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><span class="smcap">Joachim</span>, <span class="smcap">Jabel</span>, <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Amarantha</span>, -<em>children of</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span>, <em>by</em> -<span class="smcap">Rogero</span>.</p> - -<p class="p4a"><em>Children of</em> <span class="smcap">Casimere</span> <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Cecilia</span>, -<em>with their respective Nurses</em>.</p> - -<p>Several Children; Fathers and -Mothers unknown.</p> - -<p class="center"><span class="smcap">The Scene lies in the Town of Weimar, and the Neighbourhood -of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh</span>.</p> - -<p class="center"><em>Time, from the Twelfth to the present Century.</em></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<h4>PROLOGUE.</h4> - -<p class="center">(<i>In character.</i>)</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Too long the triumphs of our early times,</div> - <div class="i0">With civil discord, and with regal crimes,</div> - <div class="i0">Have stain'd these boards; while Shakespeare's pen has shown</div> - <div class="i0">Thoughts, manners, men, to modern days unknown.</div> - <div class="i0">Too long have Rome and Athens been the rage; <span class="stageright">[<em>Applause.</em></span></div> - <div class="i0">And classic buskins soil'd a British stage.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_198" id="Page_198">[Pg 198]</a></span> - <div class="i0">To-night our bard, who scorns pedantic rules,</div> - <div class="i0">His plot has borrow'd from the German schools;</div> - <div class="i0">—The German schools—where no dull maxims bind</div> - <div class="i0">The bold expansion of the electric mind.</div> - <div class="i0">Fix'd to no period, circled by no space,</div> - <div class="i0">He leaps the flaming bounds of time and place:</div> - <div class="i0">Round the dark confines of the forest raves,</div> - <div class="i0">With <em>gentle</em> robbers<a name="FNanchor_204_204" id="FNanchor_204_204"></a><a href="#Footnote_204_204" class="fnanchor">[204]</a> stocks his gloomy caves;</div> - <div class="i0">Tells how prime ministers<a name="FNanchor_205_205" id="FNanchor_205_205"></a><a href="#Footnote_205_205" class="fnanchor">[205]</a> are shocking things,</div> - <div class="i0">And <em>reigning dukes</em> as bad as tyrant kings;</div> - <div class="i0">How to <em>two</em> swains<a name="FNanchor_206_206" id="FNanchor_206_206"></a><a href="#Footnote_206_206" class="fnanchor">[206]</a> <em>one</em> nymph her vows may give,</div> - <div class="i0">And how <em>two</em> damsels with <em>one</em> lover live!</div> - <div class="i0">Delicious scenes!—such scenes <em>our</em> bard displays,</div> - <div class="i0">Which, crown'd with German, sue for British, praise.</div> - <div class="i0">Slow are the steeds, that through Germania's roads</div> - <div class="i0">With hempen rein the slumbering post-boy goads;</div> - <div class="i0">Slow is the slumbering post-boy, who proceeds</div> - <div class="i0">Through deep sands floundering, on those tardy steeds;</div> - <div class="i0">More slow, more tedious, from his husky throat</div> - <div class="i0">Twangs through the twisted horn the struggling note.</div> - <div class="i0">These truths confess'd—Oh! yet, ye travell'd few,</div> - <div class="i0">Germania's <em>plays</em> with eyes unjaundiced view!</div> - <div class="i0">View and approve!—though in each passage fine</div> - <div class="i0">The faint translation<a name="FNanchor_207_207" id="FNanchor_207_207"></a><a href="#Footnote_207_207" class="fnanchor">[207]</a> mock the genuine line;</div> - <div class="i0">Though the nice ear the erring sight belie,</div> - <div class="i0">For <em>U twice dotted</em> is pronounced like <em>I</em>; <span class="stageright">[<em>Applause.</em></span></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_199" id="Page_199">[Pg 199]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Yet oft the scene shall Nature's fire impart,</div> - <div class="i0">Warm <em>from</em> the breast, and glowing <em>to</em> the heart!</div> - <div class="i0">Ye travell'd few, attend! On <em>you</em> our bard</div> - <div class="i0">Builds his fond hope! Do you his genius guard! <span class="stageright">[<em>Applause.</em></span></div> - <div class="i0">Nor let succeeding generations say—</div> - <div class="i0">A British audience <em>damn'd</em> a German play. <span class="stageright">[<em>Loud and continued applauses.</em></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2">[<em>Flash of lightning</em>.—<em>The ghost of</em> -<span class="smcap">Prologue's Grandmother</span>, -<em>by the father's side, appears to soft music, in -a white tiffany riding-hood</em>. <span class="smcap">Prologue</span> <em>kneels to -receive her blessing, which she gives in a solemn and -affecting manner, the audience clapping and crying all -the while</em>.—<em>Flash of lightning</em>.—<span class="smcap">Prologue</span> <em>and his</em> -<span class="smcap">Grandmother</span> <em>sink through the trap-door</em>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT I.—<span class="smcap">Scene I</span>.</h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2"><em>Represents a room at an Inn, at Weimar—On one side -of the stage the bar-room, with jellies, lemons in nets, -syllabubs, and part of a cold roast fowl.</em> &<em>c.</em>—<em>On the opposite -side a window looking into the street, through which -persons (inhabitants of Weimar) are seen passing to and fro -in apparent agitation</em>.—<span class="smcap">Matilda</span> <em>appears in a great-coat -and riding habit, seated at the corner of the dinner-table, -which is covered with a clean huckaback cloth</em>.—<em>Plates and -napkins, with buck's-horn-handled knives and forks, are -laid as if for four persons</em>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">Matilda</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Is it impossible for me to have dinner sooner?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Madam, the Brunswick post-waggon is not yet come in, -and the ordinary is never before two o'clock.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>with a look expressive of disappointment, but immediately -recomposing herself.</i>]</span> Well, then, I must have patience. -<span class="stageone">[<i>Exit Landlady.</i>]</span> Oh Casimere! How often have the thoughts -of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation! What -a difference, alas! Dinner—it is taken away as soon as over, -and we regret it not! It returns again with the return of -appetite. The beef of to-morrow will succeed to the mutton of -to-day, as the mutton of to-day succeeded to the veal of yesterday. -But when once the heart has been occupied by a beloved -object, in vain would we attempt to supply the chasm by -another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to -dish! Love only, dear, delusive, delightful love, restrains our -wandering appetites, and confines them to a particular gratification!...</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_200" id="Page_200">[Pg 200]</a></span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Post-horn blows.</i>—<i>Re-enter</i> <span class="smcap">Landlady</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Madam, the post-waggon is come in with only a single -gentlewoman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Then show her up—and let us have dinner instantly; -<span class="stageone">[<i>Landlady going</i>]</span> and remember—<span class="stageone">[<i>after a moment's recollection, -and with great eagerness</i>]</span>—remember the toasted cheese.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Landlady</span>.</p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Cecilia</span> <em>enters, in a brown cloth riding-dress, as if just alighted -from the post-waggon.</em></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Madam, you seem to have had an unpleasant journey, if -I may judge from the dust on your riding-habit.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was -delightful. It recall'd to me those blissful moments when the -rays of desire first vibrated through my soul.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>aside</i>.]</span> Thank Heaven! I have at last found a heart -which is in unison with my own <span class="stageone">[<i>to Cecilia</i>.]</span> Yes, I understand -you—the first pulsation of sentiment—the silver tones upon the -yet unsounded harp....</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> The dawn of life—when this blossom <span class="stageone">[<i>putting her hand -upon her heart</i>]</span> first expanded its petals to the penetrating dart -of love!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Yes—the time—the golden time, when the first beams -of the morning meet and embrace one another! The blooming -blue upon the yet unplucked plum!...</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> And yours too is glowing with illumination.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> I had long been looking out for a congenial spirit! My -heart was withered, but the beams of yours have rekindled it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> A sudden thought strikes me: let us swear an eternal -friendship.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> Let us agree to live together!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Willingly. <span class="stageright">[<i>With rapidity and earnestness.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> Let us embrace. <span class="stageright">[<i>They embrace.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Yes; I too have loved!—you, too, like me, have been -forsaken! <span class="stageright">[<i>Doubtingly and as if with a desire to be informed.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> Too true!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Both.</i> Ah, these men! these men!</p> - -<p class="stagecentre2"><span class="smcap">Landlady</span> <em>enters, and places a leg of mut'on on the table, with -sour krout and prune sauce</em>—<em>then a small dish of black -puddings.</em> <span class="smcap">Cecilia</span> <em>and</em> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span> <em>appear to take no notice -of her.</em></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Oh, Casimere!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>aside.</i>]</span> Casimere! that name! Oh, my heart, how it is -distracted with anxiety.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_201" id="Page_201">[Pg 201]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> Heavens! Madam, you turn pale.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cec.</i> Nothing—a slight megrim—with your leave, I will retire.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Mat.</i> I will attend you.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Matilda</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Cecilia</span>. <i>Manent</i> <span class="smcap">Landlady</span><br /> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span> <i>with the dinner on the table</i>.</p></blockquote> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Have you carried the dinner to the prisoner in the -vaults of the abbey!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> Yes. Pease-soup, as usual—with the scrag-end of a -neck of mutton—the emissary of the Count was here again this -morning, and offered me a large sum of money if I would consent -to poison him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Which you refused? <span class="stageright">[<i>With hesitation and anxiety.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> Can you doubt it? <span class="stageright">[<i>With indignation.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>recovering herself, and drawing up with an expression -of dignity</i>.]</span> The conscience of a poor man is as valuable to him -as that of a prince.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> It ought to be still more so, in proportion as it is -generally more pure.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Thou say'st truly, Job.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>with enthusiasm</i>.]</span> He who can spurn at wealth when -proffer'd as the price of crime, is greater than a prince.</p> - -<p class="stagecentre2"><em>Post-horn blows. Enter</em> <span class="smcap">Casimere</span>, <em>in a travelling dress—a -light blue great-coat with large metal buttons—his hair in a -long queue, but twisted at the end; a large Kevenhuller hat; -a cane in his hand.</em></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Here, waiter, pull of my boots, and bring me a pair of -slippers <span class="stageone">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span>.]</span> And heark'ye, my lad, a bason of -water <span class="stageone">[<i>rubbing his hands</i>]</span> and a bit of soap—I have not washed -since I began my journey.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>answering from behind the door</i>.]</span> Yes, sir.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Well, landlady, what company are we to have?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Only two gentlewomen, sir. They are just stepp'd -into the next room—they will be back again in a minute.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Where do they come from?</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentre2">[<em>All this while the</em> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span> <em>re-enters with the -bason and water</em>, <span class="smcap">Casimere</span> <em>pulls off his boots, -takes a napkin from the table, and washes his -face and hands</em>.</p></blockquote> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> There is one of them, I think, comes from Nuremburgh.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>aside</i>.]</span> From Nuremburgh; <span class="stageone">[<i>with eagerness</i>]</span> her -name?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Matilda.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>aside</i>.]</span> How does this idiot woman torment me! What -else?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> I can't recollect.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Oh agony! <span class="stageright">[<i>In a paroxysm of agitation.</i></span></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_202" id="Page_202">[Pg 202]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> See here, her name upon the travelling trunk—Matilda -Pottingen.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Ecstasy! ecstasy! <span class="stageright">[<i>Embracing the</i> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span>.</span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> You seem to be acquainted with the lady—shall I call -her?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Instantly—instantly—tell her, her loved, her, long lost—tell -her——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Land.</i> Shall I tell her dinner is ready?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Do so—and in the meanwhile I will look after my -portmanteau. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt severally.</i></span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentre2"><em>Scene changes to a subterraneous vault in the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, -with coffins, 'scutcheous, Death's heads and cross-bones.</em>—<em>Toads, -and other loathsome reptiles are seen traversing -the obscurer parts of the Stage.</em>—<span class="smcap">Rogero</span> <em>appears in -chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown, -and a cap of a grotesque form upon his head.</em>—<em>Beside him a -crock, or pitcher, supposed to contain his daily allowance of -sustenance.</em>—<em>A long silence, during which the wind is heard -to whistle through the caverns.</em>—<span class="smcap">Rogero</span> <em>rises, and comes -slowly forward, with his arms folded.</em></p></blockquote> - -<p><i class="personae">Rog.</i> Eleven years! it is now eleven years since I was first -immured in this living sepulchre—the cruelty of a minister—the -perfidy of a monk—yes, Matilda! for thy sake—alive amidst the -dead—chained—coffined—confined—cut off from the converse of -my fellow-men. Soft! what have we here? <span class="stageone">[<em>stumbles over a -bundle of sticks</em>.]</span> This cavern is so dark, that I can scarcely -distinguish the objects under my feet. Oh! the register of my -captivity. Let me see, how stands the account? <span class="stageone">[<em>takes up the -sticks and turns them over with a melancholy air; then stands -silent for a few moments, as if absorbed in calculation</em>.]</span> Eleven -years and fifteen days! Hah! the twenty-eighth of August! -How does the recollection of it vibrate on my heart! It was on -this day that I took my last leave of my Matilda. It was a -summer evening—her melting hand seemed to dissolve in mine, -as I press'd it to my bosom. Some demon whispered me that I -should never see her more. I stood gazing on the hated vehicle -which was conveying her away for ever. The tears were petrified -under my eyelids. My heart was crystallized with agony. -Anon, I looked along the road. The diligence seemed to diminish -every instant. I felt my heart beat against its prison, as if -anxious to leap out and overtake it. My soul whirled round as -I watched the rotation of the hinder wheels. A long trail of -glory followed after her, and mingled with the dust—it was the -emanation of Divinity, luminous with love and beauty, like the -splendour of the setting sun; but it told me that the sun of my -joys was sunk for ever. Yes, here in the depths of an eternal -dungeon—in the nursing cradle of hell—the suburbs of perdition<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_203" id="Page_203">[Pg 203]</a></span> -—in a nest of demons, where despair, in vain, sits brooding over -the putrid eggs of hope; where agony woos the embrace of -death; where patience, beside the bottomless pool of despondency, -sits angling for impossibilities. Yet even <em>here</em>, to behold -her, to embrace her—yes, Matilda, whether in this dark abode, -amidst toads and spiders, or in a royal palace, amidst the more -loathsome reptiles of a Court, would be indifferent to me. -Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation upon our -heads—while fiends would envy the eternity of suffering love.... -Soft, what air was that? it seemed a sound of more than -human warblings. Again <span class="stageone">[<em>listens attentively for some minutes</em>]</span>—only -the wind. It is well, however; it reminds me of that -melancholy air which has so often solaced the hours of my -captivity. Let me see whether the damps of this dungeon have -not yet injured my guitar. <span class="stageone">[<em>Takes his guitar, tunes it, and -begins the following air, with a full accompaniment of violins -from the orchestra.</em>]</span></p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<span class="smcap">Air</span>, <i>Lanterna Magica.</i>]</p> - </div> -</div> - - - - -<h5><span class="smcap">Song</span>.<br /> - -<span class="small">BY ROGERO.</span></h5> - -<p class="p1b">I.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Whene'er with haggard eyes I view</div> - <div class="i1">This dungeon that I'm rotting in,</div> - <div class="i0">I think of those companions true</div> - <div class="i1">Who studied with me at the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen,—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he -wipes his eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds</i>—</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">II.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue,</div> - <div class="i1">Which once my love sat knotting in!—</div> - <div class="i0">Alas! Matilda <em>then</em> was true!—</div> - <div class="i1">At least I thought so at the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagetwo">[<i>At the repetition of this line,</i> <span class="smcap">Rogero</span> -<i>clanks his chains in cadence.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">III.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Barbs! barbs! alas! how swift you flew,</div> - <div class="i1">Her neat post-waggon trotting in!</div> - <div class="i0">Ye bore Matilda from my view;</div> - <div class="i1">Forlorn I languish'd at the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_204" id="Page_204">[Pg 204]</a></span></p> - -<p class="p1b">IV.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">This faded form! this pallid hue!</div> - <div class="i1">This blood my veins is clotting in,</div> - <div class="i0">My years are many—they were few</div> - <div class="i1">When first I entered at the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingon—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">V.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There first for thee my passion grew,</div> - <div class="i1">Sweet! sweet Matilda Pottingen!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou wast the daughter of my tu—</div> - <div class="i1">—tor, Law Professor at the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">VI.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu,</div> - <div class="i1">That kings and priests are plotting in:</div> - <div class="i0">Here doom'd to starve on water gru—</div> - <div class="i1">—el, never shall I see the U—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen—</div> - <div class="i5">—niversity of Gottingen.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>During the last stanza</i>, <span class="smcap">Rogero</span> <i>dashes his head repeatedly -against the walls of his prison; and, finally, so hard as -to produce a visible contusion. He then throws himself -on the floor in an agony. The curtain drops—the music -still continuing to play till it is wholly fallen.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p>We have received, in the course of the last week, several long, -and to say the truth, dull letters, from unknown hands, reflecting, -in very severe terms, on Mr. Higgins, for having, as it is -affirmed, attempted to pass upon the world, as a faithful sample -of the productions of the German Theatre, a performance no -way resembling any of those pieces, which have of late excited, -and which bid fair to engross the admiration of the British -public.</p> - -<p>As we cannot but consider ourselves as the guardians of Mr. -Higgins's literary reputation, in respect to every work of his -which is conveyed to the world through the medium of our -paper (though, what we think of the danger of his principles, we -have already sufficiently explained for ourselves, and have, we -trust, succeeded in putting our readers upon their guard against -them)—we hold ourselves bound not only to justify the fidelity -of the imitation, but (contrary to our original intention) to give a -further specimen of it in our present number, in order to bring -the question more fairly to issue between our author and his -calumniators.</p> - -<p>In the first place, we are to observe that Mr. Higgins professes<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_205" id="Page_205">[Pg 205]</a></span> -to have taken his notion of German plays wholly from the -translations which have appeared in our language. If <em>they</em> are -totally dissimilar from the originals, Mr. H. may undoubtedly -have been led into error; but the fault is in the translators, not -in him. That he does not differ widely from the models which -he proposed to himself, we have it in our power to prove satisfactorily; -and might have done so in our last number, by subjoining -to each particular passage of his play, the scene in some -one or other of the German plays, which he had in view when he -wrote it. These parallel passages were faithfully pointed out to -us by Mr. H. with that candour which marks his character; and -if they were suppressed by us (as in truth they were), on our -heads be the blame, whatever it may be. Little, indeed, did we -think of the imputation which the omission would bring upon -Mr. H., as, in fact, our principal reason for it was the apprehension -that, from the extreme closeness of the imitation in most -instances, he would lose in praise for invention more than he -would gain in credit for fidelity.</p> - -<p>The meeting between Matilda and Cecilia, for example, in the -first act of the "Rovers," and their sudden intimacy, has been -censured as unnatural. Be it so. It is taken <em>almost word for -word</em> from "Stella," a German (or professedly a German) piece -now much in vogue; from which also the catastrophe of Mr. -Higgins's play is in part borrowed, so far as relates to the -agreement to which the ladies come, as the reader will see by-and-by, -to share Casimere between them.</p> - -<p>The dinner scene is copied partly from the published translation -of the "Stranger," and partly from the first scene of -"Stella." The song of Rogero, with which the first act concludes, -is admitted on all hands to be in the very first taste; -and if no German original is to be found for it, so much the -worse for the credit of German literature.</p> - -<p>An objection has been made by one anonymous letter-writer, -to the names of Puddingfield and Beefington, as little likely to -have been assigned to English characters by any author of taste -or discernment. In answer to this objection, we have, in the -first place, to admit that a small, and we hope not an unwarrantable -alteration has been made by us since the MS. has been -in our hands. These names stood originally Puddincrantz and -Beefinstern, which sounded to our ears as being liable, especially -the latter, to a ridiculous inflection—a difficulty that could only -be removed by furnishing them with English terminations. -With regard to the more substantial syllables of the names, our -author proceeded in all probability on the authority of Goldoni, -who, though not a German, is an Italian writer of considerable -reputation; and who, having heard that the English were distinguished -for their love of liberty and beef, has judiciously -compounded the two words <em>Runnymede</em> and <em>beef</em>, and thereby<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_206" id="Page_206">[Pg 206]</a></span> -produced an English nobleman, whom he styles <em>Lord Runnybeef</em>.</p> - -<p>To dwell no longer on particular passages—the best way perhaps -of explaining the whole scope and view of Mr. H.'s imitation, -will be to transcribe the short sketch of the plot, which -that gentleman transmitted to us, together with his drama; and -which it is perhaps the more necessary to give at length, as the -limits of our paper not allowing of the publication of the whole -piece, some general knowledge of its main design may be -acceptable to our readers, in order to enable them to judge of -the several extracts which we lay before them.</p> - - -<h5>PLOT.</h5> - -<p>Rogero, son of the late Minister of the Count of Saxe Weimar, -having, while he was at college, fallen desperately in love -with Matilda Pottingen, daughter of his tutor, Doctor Engelbertus -Pottingen, Professor of Civil Law; and Matilda evidently -returning his passion, the doctor, to prevent ill consequences, -sends his daughter on a visit to her aunt in Wetteravia, where -she becomes acquainted with Casimere, a Polish officer, who -happens to be quartered near her aunt's, and has several children -by him.</p> - -<p>Roderic, Count of Saxe Weimar, a prince of tyrannical and -licentious disposition, has for his Prime Minister and favourite, -Gaspar, a crafty villain, who had risen to his post by first ruining, -and then putting to death, Rogero's father. Gaspar, apprehensive -of the power and popularity which the young Rogero -may enjoy at his return to Court, seizes the occasion of his -intrigue with Matilda (of which he is apprised officially by -Doctor Pottingen) to procure from his master an order for the -recall of Rogero from college, and for committing him to the -care of the prior of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, a priest, rapacious, -savage, and sensual, and devoted to Gaspar's interests—sending -at the same time private orders to the prior to confine -him in a dungeon.</p> - -<p>Here Rogero languishes many years. His daily sustenance -is administered to him through a grated opening at the top of a -cavern, by the landlady of the Golden Eagle at Weimar, with -whom Gaspar contracts, in the Prince's name, for his support; -intending, and more than once endeavouring, to corrupt the -waiter to mingle poison with the food, in order that he may get -rid of Rogero for ever.</p> - -<p>In the meantime Casimere, having been called away from the -neighbourhood of Matilda's residence to other quarters, becomes -enamoured of, and marries Cecilia, by whom he has a family; -and whom he likewise deserts after a few years' cohabitation, on -pretence of business which calls him to Kamtschatka.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_207" id="Page_207">[Pg 207]</a></span></p> - -<p>Doctor Pottingen, now grown old and infirm, and feeling the -want of his daughter's society, sends young Pottingen in search -of her, with strict injunctions not to return without her; and to -bring with her either her present lover Casimere, or, should that -not be possible, Rogero himself, if he can find him; the doctor -having set his heart upon seeing his children comfortably settled -before his death. Matilda, about the same period, quits her -aunt's in search of Casimere; and Cecilia having been advertised -(by an anonymous letter) of the falsehood of his Kamtschatka -journey, sets out in the post-waggon on a similar -pursuit.</p> - -<p>It is at this point of time the play opens—with the accidental -meeting of Cecilia and Matilda at the inn at Weimar. Casimere -arrives there soon after, and falls in first with Matilda, and -then with Cecilia. Successive <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">éclaircissements</i> take place, and -an arrangement is finally made, by which the two ladies are to -live jointly with Casimere.</p> - -<p>Young Pottingen, wearied with a few weeks' search, during -which he has not been able to find either of the objects of it, -resolves to stop at Weimar, and wait events there. It so -happens, that he takes up his lodging in the same house with -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern, two English noblemen, whom the -tyranny of King John has obliged to fly from their country; and -who, after wandering about the Continent for some time, have -fixed their residence at Weimar.</p> - -<p>The news of the signature of Magna Charta arriving, determines -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern to return to England. -Young Pottingen opens his case to them, and entreats them to -stay to assist him in the object of his search. This they refuse; -but coming to the inn where they are to set off for Hamburgh, -they meet Casimere, from whom they have both received many -civilities in Poland.</p> - -<p>Casimere, by this time tired of his "Double Arrangement," -and having learned from the waiter that Rogero is confined in -the vaults of the neighbouring Abbey <em>for love</em>, resolves to -attempt his rescue, and to make over Matilda to him as the price -of his deliverance. He communicates his scheme to Puddingfield -and Beefington, who agree to assist him; as also does -young Pottingen. The waiter of the inn proving to be a <em>Knight -Templar</em> in disguise, is appointed leader of the expedition. A -band of troubadours, who happen to be returning from the -Crusades, and a company of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers -returning from the Seven Years' War, are engaged as troops.</p> - -<p>The attack on the Abbey is made with success. The Count -of Weimar and Gaspar, who are feasting with the prior, are -seized and beheaded in the refectory. The prior is thrown into -the dungeon, from which Rogero is rescued. Matilda and -Cecilia rush in. The former recognizes Rogero, and agrees to<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_208" id="Page_208">[Pg 208]</a></span> -live with him. The children are produced on all sides; and -young Pottingen is commissioned to write to his father, the -doctor, to detail the joyful events which have taken place, and -to invite him to Weimar, to partake of the general felicity.</p> - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT II.</h4> - - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentwo"><span class="smcap">Scene.</span>—<i>A Room in an ordinary Lodging-house at Weimar.</i>—<span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> -<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> <i>discovered, sitting at a -small deal table, and playing at All-fours.—Young</i> <span class="smcap">Pottingen</span>, -<i>at another table in the corner of the room, with a -pipe in his mouth, and a Saxon mug of a singular shape -beside him, which he repeatedly applies to his lips, turning -back his head, and casting his eyes towards the firmament. -At the last trial he holds the mug for some moments in a -directly inverted position; then replaces it on the table, with -an air of dejection, and gradually sinks into a profound -slumber. The pipe falls from his hand, and is broken.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> I beg.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>deals three cards to</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span>.]</span> Are you satisfied?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Enough. What have you?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> High—low—and the game.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Ah! 'tis my deal <span class="stageone">[<i>deals—turns up a knave</i>.]</span> One<br /> -for his heels! <span class="stageright">[<i>Triumphantly.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Is king highest?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> No <span class="stageone">[<i>sternly.</i>]</span> The game is mine. The knave gives it me.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Are knaves so prosperous? -Ay, marry are they in this world. They have the game in their -hands. Your kings are but <em>noddies</em><a name="FNanchor_208_208" id="FNanchor_208_208"></a><a href="#Footnote_208_208" class="fnanchor">[208]</a> to them.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Ha! ha! ha!—still the same proud spirit, Beefington, -which procured thee thine exile from England.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> England! my native land!—when shall I revisit thee?</p> - -<p class="stagetwo">[<i>During this time</i> <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> <i>deals, and begins to -arrange his hand</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>continues.</i>]</span> Phoo—hang all-fours; what are they to a -mind ill at ease? Can they cure the heart-ache? Can they -sooth banishment? Can they lighten ignominy? Can all-fours -do this? Oh! my Puddingfield, thy limber and lightsome spirit<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_209" id="Page_209">[Pg 209]</a></span> -bounds up against affliction—with the elasticity of a well-bent -bow; but mine—O! mine—</p> - -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>Falls into an agony, and sinks back in his chair.</i> <span class="smcap">Young -Pottingen</span> <i>awakened by the noise, rises, and advances -with a grave demeanour towards</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> <i>and</i> -<span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span>. <i>The former begins to recover</i>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Y. Pot.</i> What is the matter, comrades?<a name="FNanchor_209_209" id="FNanchor_209_209"></a><a href="#Footnote_209_209" class="fnanchor">[209]</a>—you seem agitated. -Have you lost or won?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Lost. I have lost my country.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Y. Pot.</i> And I my sister. I came hither in search of her.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> O England!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Y. Pot.</i> O Matilda!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Exiled by the tyranny of an usurper, I seek the means -of revenge, and of restoration to my country.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Y. Pot.</i> Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted by -the jealousy of a count, the betrothed husband of my sister -languishes in a loathsome captivity. Her lover is fled no one -knows whither—and I, her brother, am torn from my paternal -roof, and from my studies in chirurgery, to seek him and her, I -know not where—to rescue Rogero, I know not how. Comrades, -your counsel—my search fruitless—my money gone—my baggage -stolen! What am I to do? In yonder abbey—in these -dark, dank vaults, there, my friends—there lies Rogero—there -Matilda's heart——</p> - </div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Waiter</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> Sir, here is a person who desires to speak with you.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>goes to the door, and returns with a letter, which he -opens—on perusing it his countenance becomes illuminated, and -expands prodigiously</i>.]</span> Hah, my friend, what joy!</p> - -<p class="stagecenter">[<i>Turning to</i> <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> What? tell me—let your Puddingfield partake it.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> See here— <span class="stageright">[<i>Produces a printed paper.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> What? <span class="stageright">[<i>With impatience.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>in a significant tone.</i>]</span> A newspaper!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Hah, what sayst thou! A newspaper!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Yes, Puddingfield, and see here <span class="stageone">[<i>shows it partially</i>]</span>, -from England.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>with extreme earnestness</i>.]</span> Its name!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> The "Daily Advertiser"—</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Oh, ecstasy!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>with a dignified severity</i>.]</span> Puddingfield, calm yourself—repress -those transports—remember that you are a man.</p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_210" id="Page_210">[Pg 210]</a></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>after a pause with suppressed emotion.</i>]</span> Well, I will -be—I am calm—yet tell me, Beefington, does it contain any news?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Glorious news, my dear Puddingfield—the Barons are -victorious—King John has been defeated—Magna Charta, that -venerable, immemorial inheritance of Britons, was signed last -Friday was three weeks, the third of July Old Style.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> I can scarce believe my ears—but let me satisfy my -eyes—show me the paragraph.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Here it is, just above the advertisements.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>reads.</i>]</span> "The great demand for Packwood's razor -straps."——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> 'Pshaw! what, ever blundering—you drive me from my -patience—see here, at the head of the column.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>reads.</i>]</span> "A hireling print, devoted to the Court,</div> - <div class="i0">Has dared to question our veracity</div> - <div class="i0">Respecting the events of yesterday;</div> - <div class="i0">But by to-day's accounts, our information</div> - <div class="i0">Appears to have been perfectly correct.</div> - <div class="i0">The charter of our liberties received</div> - <div class="i0">The royal signature at five o'clock,</div> - <div class="i0">When messengers were instantly dispatch'd</div> - <div class="i0">To Cardinal Pandulfo; and their majesties,</div> - <div class="i0">After partaking of a cold collation,</div> - <div class="i0">Return'd to Windsor."—I am satisfied.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Yet here again—there are some further particulars -<span class="stageone">[<i>turns to another part of the paper</i>]</span>, "Extract of a letter from -Egham—My dear friend, we are all here in high spirits—the -interesting event which took place this morning at Runnymede, -in the neighbourhood of this town"——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Hah! Runnymede, enough—no more—my doubts are -vanished—then are we free indeed!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> I have, besides, a letter in my pocket from our friend, -the immortal Bacon, who has been appointed Chancellor. Our -outlawry is reversed! What says my friend—shall we return by -the next packet?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Instantly, instantly!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Both.</i> Liberty! Adelaide!—Revenge!</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>Exeunt. Young</i> <span class="smcap">Pottingen</span> <i>following, and waving -his hat, but obviously without much consciousness -of the meaning of what has passed.</i></p></blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentwo"><i>Scene changes to the outside of the Abbey. A summer's evening</i>—<i>moonlight. -Companies of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers -march across the stage, confusedly, as if returning -from the Seven Years' War. Shouts, and martial music. -The Abbey gates are opened. The monks are seen passing -in procession, with the Prior at their head. The choir is -heard chanting vespers. After which a pause. Then a bell -is heard, as if ringing for supper. Soon after, a noise of -singing and jollity.</i></p> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_211" id="Page_211">[Pg 211]</a></span></p> - -<p class="stagecentwo"><i>Enter from the Abbey, pushed out of the gates by the Porter, a -Troubadour, with a bundle under his cloak, and a Lady -under his arm. Troubadour seems much in liquor, but -caresses the female minstrel.</i></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Fem. Min.</i> Trust me, Gieronymo, thou seemest melancholy. -What hast thou got under thy cloak?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Trou.</i> 'Pshaw, women will be inquiring. Melancholy! not I. -I will sing thee a song, and the subject of it shall be thy question—"What -have I got under my cloak?" It is a riddle, -Margaret—I learnt it of an almanac-maker at Gotha—if thou -guessest it after the first stanza, thou shalt have never a drop for -thy pains. Hear me—and, d'ye mark! twirl thy thingumbob -while I sing.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fem. Min.</i> 'Tis a pretty tune, and hums dolefully.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Plays on the balalaika</i>.<a name="FNanchor_210_210" id="FNanchor_210_210"></a><a href="#Footnote_210_210" class="fnanchor">[210]</a> <i>Troubadour sings.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i7">I bear a secret comfort here,</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>putting his hand on the bundle, but without showing it.</i></div> - <div class="i8">A joy I'll ne'er impart;</div> - <div class="i7">It is not wine, it is not beer,</div> - <div class="i8">But it consoles my heart.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Fem. Min.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>interrupting him.</i>]</span> I'll be hang'd if you don't mean -the bottle of cherry-brandy that you stole out of the vaults in the -Abbey cellar.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Trou.</i> I mean!—Peace, wench, thou disturbest the current of -my feelings.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>Fem. Min. attempts to lay hold of the bottle. Troubadour -pushes her aside, and continues singing -without interruption.</i></p></blockquote> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">This cherry-bounce, this lov'd noyau,</div> - <div class="i3">My drink for ever be;</div> - <div class="i2">But, sweet my love, thy wish forego,</div> - <div class="i3">I'll give no drop to thee!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter">(<i>Both together</i>.)</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Trou.</i> {This} cherry-bounce {This} lov'd noyau,</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">F. M.</i> {That} <span class="mleft6">{that}</span></div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Trou.</i> {My } drink for ever be;</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">F. M.</i> {Thy }</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Trou.</i> } But, sweet my love, {thy wish forego!</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">F. M.</i> } <span class="mleft8c">{one drop bestow,</span></div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Trou.</i> {I } keep it all for {me!</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">F. M.</i> {Nor} <span class="mleft4g">{thee!</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<blockquote> - -<p class="stagecentwo">[<i>Exeunt struggling for the bottle, but without anger -or animosity, the Fem. Min. appearing, by degrees, -to obtain a superiority in the contest.</i></p></blockquote> - </div> -</div> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_212" id="Page_212">[Pg 212]</a></span></p> - -<p>Act the Third contains the <em>eclaircissements</em> and final arrangement -between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia: which so -nearly resemble the concluding act of "Stella," that we forbear -to lay it before our readers.</p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - - -<h4>ACT IV.</h4> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>—<i>The Inn door—Diligence drawn up.</i> <span class="smcap">Casimere</span> <i>appears -superintending the package of his portmanteaus, and giving -directions to the Porters.</i></p> - -<p class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span>.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Well, Coachey, have you got two inside places?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Coach.</i> Yes, your honour.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>seems to be struck with</i> <span class="smcap">Casimere's</span> <i>appearance. He -surveys him earnestly, without paying any attention to the -coachman, then doubtingly pronounces</i>] </span>Casimere!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>turning round rapidly, recognises</i> <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span>, <i>and -embraces him</i>.]</span> My Puddingfield!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> My Casimere!</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> What, Beefington too! <span class="stageone">[<i>discovering him.</i>]</span> Then is my joy -complete.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Our fellow-traveller, as it seems.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Yes, Beefington—but wherefore to Hamburgh?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Oh, Casimere<a name="FNanchor_211_211" id="FNanchor_211_211"></a><a href="#Footnote_211_211" class="fnanchor">[211]</a>—to fly—to fly—to return—England—our -country—Magna Charta—it is liberated—a new era—House -of Commons—Crown and Anchor—Opposition——</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> What a contrast! you are flying to liberty and your -home—I, driven from my home by tyranny—am exposed to -domestic slavery in a foreign country.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> How domestic slavery?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Too true—two wives <span class="stageone">[<i>slowly, and with a dejected air—then -after a pause</i>]</span>—you knew my Cecilia?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Yes, five years ago.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Soon after that period I went upon a visit to a lady in -Wetteravia—my Matilda was under her protection—alighting at -a peasant's cabin, I saw her on a charitable visit, spreading -bread-and-butter for the children, in a light-blue riding habit. -The simplicity of her appearance—the fineness of the weather—all -conspired to interest me—my heart moved to hers—as if by<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_213" id="Page_213">[Pg 213]</a></span> -a magnetic sympathy—we wept, embraced, and went home -together—she became the mother of my Pantalowsky. But five -years of enjoyment have not stifled the reproaches of my conscience—her -Rogero is languishing in captivity—if I could -restore her to <em>him!</em></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Let us rescue him.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Will without power<a name="FNanchor_212_212" id="FNanchor_212_212"></a><a href="#Footnote_212_212" class="fnanchor">[212]</a> is like children playing at soldiers.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Courage without power<a name="FNanchor_213_213" id="FNanchor_213_213"></a><a href="#Footnote_213_213" class="fnanchor">[213]</a> is like a consumptive running -footman.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Courage without power is a contradiction.<a name="FNanchor_214_214" id="FNanchor_214_214"></a><a href="#Footnote_214_214" class="fnanchor">[214]</a> Ten brave -men might set all Quedlinburgh at defiance.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Ten brave men—but where are they to be found?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> I will tell you—marked you the waiter?</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> The waiter? <span class="stageright">[<i>Doubtingly.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Cas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>in a confidential tone.</i>]</span> No waiter, but a Knight Templar. -Returning from the crusade, he found his Order dissolved, and -his person proscribed. He dissembled his rank, and embraced -the profession of a waiter. I have made sure of him already. -There are, besides, an Austrian and a Prussian grenadier. I -have made them abjure their national enmity, and they have -sworn to fight henceforth in the cause of freedom. These, with -Young Pottingen, the waiter, and ourselves, make seven—the troubadour, -with his two attendant minstrels, will complete the ten.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Now then for the execution. <span class="stageright">[<i>With enthusiasm.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Yes, my boys—for the execution. <span class="stageright">[<i>Clapping them on the back.</i></span></p> - -<p><i class="personae">Waiter.</i> But hist! we are observed.</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Trou.</i> Let us by a song conceal our purposes.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.<a name="FNanchor_215_215" id="FNanchor_215_215"></a><a href="#Footnote_215_215" class="fnanchor">[215]</a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Hist! hist! nor let the airs that blow</div> - <div class="i5">From Night's cold lungs, our purpose know!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Pudd.</i> Let Silence, mother of the dumb,</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Beef.</i> Press on each lip her palsied thumb!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Wait.</i> Let privacy, allied to sin,</div> - <div class="i5">That loves to haunt the tranquil inn—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Gren.</i>} And Conscience start, when she shall view,</div> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Trou.</i> } The mighty deed we mean to do!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p class="p1b">GENERAL CHORUS—<i xml:lang="it" lang="it">Con spirito.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">Then friendship swear, ye faithful bands,</div> - <div class="i6">Swear to save a shackled hero!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_214" id="Page_214">[Pg 214]</a></span> - <div class="i5">See where yon Abbey frowning stands!</div> - <div class="i6">Rescue, rescue, brave Rogero!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3"><i class="personae">Cas.</i> Thrall'd in a Monkish tyrant's fetters,</div> - <div class="i6">Shall great Rogero hopeless lie?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">Y. Pot.</i> In my pocket I have letters,</div> - <div class="i6">Saying, "help me, or I die!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"> </div> - <div class="i8"><em>Allegro Allegretto.</em></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Cas. Beef. Pudd. Gren. Trou.</i> <span class="mleft1f">}</span> Let us fly, let us fly,</div> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Waiter, and Pot. with enthusiasm</i> } Let us help, ere he die!</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Exeunt omnes, waving their hats.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2"><span class="smcap">Scene</span>.—<i>The Abbey gate, with ditches, drawbridges, and spikes. -Time—about an hour before sunrise. The conspirators -appear as if in ambuscade, whispering, and consulting -together, in expectation of the signal for attack. The</i> -<span class="smcap">Waiter</span> <i>is habited as a Knight Templar, in the dress of his -Order, with the cross on his breast, and the scallop on his -shoulder</i>; <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> <i>armed with -blunderbusses and pocket pistols; the Grenadiers in their -proper uniforms. The Troubadour, with his attendant -Minstrels, bring up the rear—martial music—the conspirators -come forward, and present themselves before the -gate of the Abbey.—Alarum—firing of pistols—the Convent -appear in arms upon the walls—the drawbridge is let down—a -body of choristers and lay-brothers attempt a sally, but -are beaten back, and the verger killed. The besieged attempt -to raise the drawbridge</i>—<span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> -<i>press forward with alacrity, throw themselves upon the -drawbridge, and by the exertion of their weight, preserve it -in a state of depression—the other besiegers join them, and -attempt to force the entrance, but without effect.</i> <span class="smcap">Puddingfield</span> -<i>makes the signal for the battering ram. Enter</i> -<span class="smcap">Quintus Curtius</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Marcus Curius Dentatus</span>, <i>in -their proper military habits, preceded by the Roman Eagle—the -rest of their legion are employed in bringing forward -a battering ram, which plays for a few minutes to slow -time, till the entrance is forced. After a short resistance, -the besiegers rush in with shouts of victory.</i></p> - -<p><i>Scene changes to the interior of the Abbey. The inhabitants of -the Convent are seen flying in all directions.</i></p> - -<p><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Count of Weimar</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Prior</span>, <i>who had been feasting in -the refectory, are brought in manacled. The</i> <span class="smcap">Count</span> <i>appears -transported with rage, and gnaws his chains. The</i> <span class="smcap">Prior</span> -<i>remains insensible, as if stupefied with grief.</i> <span class="smcap">Beefington</span> -<i>takes the keys of the dungeon, which are hanging at the</i> -<span class="smcap">Prior's</span> <i>girdle, and makes a sign for them both to be led -away into confinement.—Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Prior</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Count</span> <i>properly -guarded. The rest of the conspirators disperse in -search of the dungeon where</i> <span class="smcap">Rogero</span> <i>is confined.</i></p> - </div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_215" id="Page_215">[Pg 215]</a></span></p> - - - -<h2><a name="Bombastes_Furioso" id="Bombastes_Furioso"></a><span class="smcap">Bombastes Furioso</span>.</h2> - -<p class="p1a">FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL HAYMARKET, -AUGUST 7, 1810.</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - - -<p class="p1a">DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.</p> - -<ul class="index"> -<li><span class="smcap">Artaxominous</span>, <em>King of Utopia.</em></li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Fusbos</span>, <em>Minister of State.</em></li> - -<li><span class="smcap">General Bombastes</span>.</li> - -<li><em>Attendants or Courtiers.</em></li> - -<li><em>Army</em>—a long Drummer, a short -Fifer, and two (sometimes three) -Soldiers of different dimensions.</li> - -<li><span class="smcap">Distaffina</span>.</li> -</ul> - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene I</span>.—<i>Interior of the Palace</i>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>The</i> <span class="smcap">King</span> <i>in his chair of state.—A table set out with punchbowl, -glasses, pipes, &c.</i>—<span class="smcap">Attendants</span> <i>on each side.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Trio</span>.—"<i>Tekeli.</i>"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Atten.</i> What will your majesty please to wear?</div> - <div class="i5">Or blue, green, red, black, white, or brown?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Atten.</i> D'ye choose to look at the bill of fare? <i>[Showing long bill.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">King.</i> Get out of my sight, or I'll knock you down.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Atten.</i> Here is soup, fish, or goose, or duck, or fowl, or pigeons, pig, or hare!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Atten.</i> Or blue, or green, or red, or black, or white, or brown,</div> - <div class="i5">What will your Majesty, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><i class="personae">King.</i> Get out of my sight, &c. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Attendants</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Fusbos</span>, <i>and kneels to the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Hail, Artaxominous! yclep'd the Great!</div> - <div class="i0">I come, an humble pillar of thy state,</div> - <div class="i0">Pregnant with news—but ere that news I tell,</div> - <div class="i0">First let me hope your Majesty is well.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Rise, learned Fusbos! rise, my friend, and know</div> - <div class="i0">We are but middling—that is, <em>so so!</em></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Only <em>so so!</em> Oh, monstrous, doleful thing!</div> - <div class="i0">Is it the mulligrubs affects the king?</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_216" id="Page_216">[Pg 216]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Or, dropping poisons in the cup of joy,</div> - <div class="i0">Do the blue devils your repose annoy?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Nor mulligrubs nor devils blue are here,</div> - <div class="i0">But yet we feel ourselves a little queer.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye,</div> - <div class="i0">The vest unbutton'd, and the wig awry;</div> - <div class="i0">So sickly cats neglect their fur-attire,</div> - <div class="i0">And sit and mope beside the kitchen fire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Last night, when undisturb'd by state affairs,</div> - <div class="i0">Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares,</div> - <div class="i0">Oft the replenish'd goblet did we drain,</div> - <div class="i0">And drank and smok'd, and smok'd and drank again!</div> - <div class="i0">Such was the case, our very actions such,</div> - <div class="i0">Until at length we got a drop too much.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> So when some donkey on the Blackheath Road,</div> - <div class="i0">Falls, overpower'd, beneath his sandy load;</div> - <div class="i0">The driver's curse unheeded swells the air,</div> - <div class="i0">Since none can carry more than they can bear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> The sapient Doctor Muggins came in haste,</div> - <div class="i0">Who suits his physic to his patient's taste;</div> - <div class="i0">He, knowing well on what our heart is set,</div> - <div class="i0">Hath just prescrib'd, "To take a morning whet;"</div> - <div class="i0">The very sight each sick'ning pain subdues.</div> - <div class="i0">Then sit, my Fusbos, sit and tell thy news.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>sits.</i>]</span> Gen'ral Bombastes, whose resistless force</div> - <div class="i0">Alone exceeds by far a brewer's horse,</div> - <div class="i0">Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Does he, by jingo? then we'll drink his health! <span class="stageright">[<i>Drum and Fife.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> But hark! with loud acclaim, the fife and drum</div> - <div class="i0">Announce your army near; behold, they come!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bombastes</span>, <i>attended by one</i> <span class="smcap">Drummer</span>, <i>one</i> <span class="smcap">Fifer</span>, -<i>and two</i> <span class="smcap">Soldiers</span>, <i>all very materially differing in -size.—They march round the stage and back.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Meet me this ev'ning at the Barley Mow;</div> - <div class="i0">I'll bring your pay—you see I'm busy now:</div> - <div class="i0">Begone, brave army, and don't kick up a row. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt</i> <span class="smcap">Soldiers</span>.</span></div> - <div class="i0"><span class="stageone">[<i>To the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.]</span> Thrash'd are your foes—this watch and -silken string,</div> - <div class="i0">Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring;</div> - <div class="i0">I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob;</div> - <div class="i0">"Watch, watch," he cried, when I had done the job.</div> - <div class="i0">"My watch is gone," says he—says I, "Just so;</div> - <div class="i0">Stop where you are—watches were made to go."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> For which we make you Duke of Strombelo.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<span class="smcap">Bombastes</span> <i>kneels; the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span> -<i>dubs him with a pipe, and then presents the bowl.</i></div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_217" id="Page_217">[Pg 217]</a></span> - <div class="i0">From our own bowl here drink, my soldier true,</div> - <div class="i0">And if you'd like to take a whiff or two,</div> - <div class="i0">He whose brave arm hath made our foes to crouch,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>rises.</i>]</span> Honours so great have all my toils repaid!</div> - <div class="i0">My liege, and Fusbos, here's "Success to trade".</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Well said, Bombastes! Since thy mighty blows,</div> - <div class="i0">Have given a quietus to our foes,</div> - <div class="i0">Now shall our farmers gather in their crops,</div> - <div class="i0">And busy tradesmen mind their crowded shops</div> - <div class="i0">The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease;</div> - <div class="i0">Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to name,</div> - <div class="i0">Short cut or long to me is all the same.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="bigbrace">}</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i><span class="smallbrace">{ </span> In short, so long, as we your favours claim,</div> - <div class="i0"><span class="smallbrace">{ </span> Short cut or long, to us is all the same.</div> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> <span class="smallbrace">{ </span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Thanks, gen'rous friends! now list whilst I impart</div> - <div class="i0">How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my heart;</div> - <div class="i0">So long as this here pouch a pipe contains,</div> - <div class="i0">Or a full glass in that there bowl remains,</div> - <div class="i0">To you an equal portion shall belong;</div> - <div class="i0">This do I swear, and now—let's have a song.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> My liege shall be obeyed. <span class="stageright">[<i>Advances and attempts to sing.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft10">Fusbos, give place,</span></div> - <div class="i0">You know you haven't got a singing face;</div> - <div class="i0">Here nature, smiling, gave the winning grace.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Song</span>.—"<i>Hope told a flatt'ring Tale</i>."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Hope told a flattering tale,</div> - <div class="i4">Much longer than my arm,</div> - <div class="i3">That love and pots of ale</div> - <div class="i4">In peace would keep me warm:</div> - <div class="i3">The flatt'rer is not gone,</div> - <div class="i3">She visits number one:</div> - <div class="i3">In love I'm monstrous deep.</div> - <div class="i3">Love! odsbobs, destroys my sleep,</div> - <div class="i3">Hope told a flattering tale,</div> - <div class="i4">Lest love should soon grow cool;</div> - <div class="i3">A tub thrown to a whale,</div> - <div class="i4">To make the fish a fool:</div> - <div class="i3">Should Distaffina frown,</div> - <div class="i4">Then love's gone out of town;</div> - <div class="i3">And when love's dream is o'er,</div> - <div class="i4">Then we wake and dream no more. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">King</span> <i>evinces strong emotions during the song, and -at the conclusion starts up</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_218" id="Page_218">[Pg 218]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> What ails my liege? ah! why that look so sad?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>coming forward.</i>]</span> I am in love! I scorch, I freeze, I'm mad!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, tell me, Fusbos, first and best of friends,</div> - <div class="i0">You, who have wisdom at your fingers' ends,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall it be so, or shall it not be so?</div> - <div class="i0">Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego,</div> - <div class="i0">Compel her to give up the regal chair,</div> - <div class="i0">And place the rosy Distaffina there?</div> - <div class="i0">In such a case, what course can I pursue?</div> - <div class="i0">I love my queen, and Distaffina too.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> And would a king his general supplant?</div> - <div class="i0">I can't advise, upon my soul I can't.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> So when two feasts, whereat there's nought to pay,</div> - <div class="i0">Fall unpropitious on the self-same day,</div> - <div class="i0">The anxious Cit each invitation views,</div> - <div class="i0">And ponders which to take or which refuse:</div> - <div class="i0">From this or that to keep away is loth,</div> - <div class="i0">And sighs to think he cannot dine at both. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> So when some school-boy, on a rainy day,</div> - <div class="i0">Finds all his playmates will no longer stay,</div> - <div class="i0">He takes the hint himself—and walks away. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene II.</span>—<i>An Avenue of Trees.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> I'll seek the maid I love, though in my way</div> - <div class="i0">A dozen gen'rals stood in fierce array!</div> - <div class="i0">Such rosy beauties nature meant for kings;</div> - <div class="i0">Subjects have treat enough to see such things.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1b"><span class="smcap">Scene III.</span>—<i>Inside of a Cottage.</i></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Distaffina</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> This morn, as sleeping in my bed I lay,</div> - <div class="i0">I dreamt (and morning dreams come true they say),</div> - <div class="i0">I dreamt a cunning man my fortune told,</div> - <div class="i0">And soon the pots and pans were turned to gold!</div> - <div class="i0">Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash;</div> - <div class="i0">But, lo! ere I could turn them into cash,</div> - <div class="i0">Another cunning man my heart betray'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Stole all away, and left my debts unpaid.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And pray, sir, who are you, I'd wish to know?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Perfection's self, oh, smooth that angry brow!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_219" id="Page_219">[Pg 219]</a></span> - <div class="i0">For love of thee, I've wander'd thro' the town,</div> - <div class="i0">And here have come to offer half a crown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Fellow! your paltry offer I despise;</div> - <div class="i0">The great Bombastes' love alone I prize.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> He's but a general—damsel, I'm a king;</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Oh, sir, that makes it quite another thing.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> And think not, maiden, I could e'er design</div> - <div class="i0">A sum so trifling for such charms as thine.</div> - <div class="i0">No! the half crown that ting'd thy cheeks with red,</div> - <div class="i0">And bade fierce anger o'er thy beauties spread,</div> - <div class="i0">Was meant that thou should'st share my throne and bed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>aside</i>.]</span> My dream is out, and I shall soon behold</div> - <div class="i0">The pots and pans all turn to shining gold.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>puts his hat down to kneel on</i>.]</span> Here, on my knees</div> - <div class="i4">(those knees which ne'er till now</div> - <div class="i0">To man or maid in suppliance bent) I vow</div> - <div class="i0">Still to remain, till you my hopes fulfil,</div> - <div class="i0">Fixt as the Monument on Fish Street Hill.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>kneels</i>.]</span> And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand,</div> - <div class="i0">As long as e'er the Monument shall stand,</div> - <div class="i0">So long I'm yours——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Are then my wishes crown'd?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> La, sir! I'd not say no for twenty pound;</div> - <div class="i0">Let silly maids for love their favours yield,</div> - <div class="i0">Rich ones for me—a king against the field.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i8"><span class="smcap">Song</span>.—"<em>Paddy's Wedding.</em>"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">Queen Dido at</div> - <div class="i5">Her palace gate</div> - <div class="i2">Sat darning of her stocking O;</div> - <div class="i5">She sung and drew</div> - <div class="i5">The worsted through,</div> - <div class="i2">Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O;</div> - <div class="i5">(For a babe she had</div> - <div class="i5">By a soldier lad,</div> - <div class="i2">Though hist'ry passes it over O);</div> - <div class="i5">"You tell-tale brat,</div> - <div class="i5">I've been a flat,</div> - <div class="i2">Your daddy has proved a rover O.</div> - <div class="i5">What a fool was I</div> - <div class="i5">To be cozen'd by</div> - <div class="i2">A fellow without a penny O;</div> - <div class="i5">When rich ones came,</div> - <div class="i5">And ask'd the same,</div> - <div class="i2">For I'd offers from never so many O;</div> - <div class="i5">But I'll darn my hose,</div> - <div class="i5">Look out for beaux,</div> - <div class="i2">And quickly get a new lover O;</div> - <div class="i5">Then come, lads, come,</div> - <div class="i5">Love beats the drum,</div> - <div class="i2">And a fig for Æneas the rover O."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_220" id="Page_220">[Pg 220]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> So Orpheus sang of old, or poets lie,</div> - <div class="i0">And as the brutes were charmed, e'en so am I.</div> - <div class="i0">Rosy-cheek'd maid, henceforth my only queen,</div> - <div class="i0">Full soon shalt thou in royal robes be seen;</div> - <div class="i0">And through my realm I'll issue this decree,</div> - <div class="i0">None shall appear of taller growth than thee:</div> - <div class="i0">Painters no other face portray—each sign</div> - <div class="i0">O'er alehouse hung shall change its head for thine.</div> - <div class="i0">Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays,</div> - <div class="i0">And none presume to write but in thy praise.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>fetches a bottle and glass.</i>]</span> And may I then, -without offending, crave</div> - <div class="i0">My love to taste of this, the best I have?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Were it the vilest liquor upon earth,</div> - <div class="i0">Thy touch would render it of matchless worth;</div> - <div class="i0">Dear shall the gift be held that comes from you;</div> - <div class="i0">Best proof of love <span class="stageone">[<i>drinks</i>]</span>,'tis full-proof Hodges' too;</div> - <div class="i0">Through all my veins I feel a genial glow,</div> - <div class="i0">It fires my soul——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombastes</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>within.</i>]</span> Ho, Distaffina, ho!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Heard you that voice?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="mleft9">O yes, 'tis what's his name,</span></div> - <div class="i0">The General; send him packing as he came.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> And is it he? and doth he hither come?</div> - <div class="i0">Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb:</div> - <div class="i0">Where shall I go? say, whither shall I fly?</div> - <div class="i0">Hide me, oh hide me from his injur'd eye!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Why, sure you're not alarm'd at such a thing?</div> - <div class="i0">He's but a general, and you're a king.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<span class="smcap">King</span> <i>conceals himself in a closet in flat.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bombastes</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Lov'd Distaffina! now by my scars I vow,</div> - <div class="i0">Scars got—I haven't time to tell you how;</div> - <div class="i0">By all the risks my fearless heart hath run,</div> - <div class="i0">Risks of all shapes from bludgeon, sword, and gun.</div> - <div class="i0">Steel traps, the patrole, bailiff shrewd, and dun;</div> - <div class="i0">By the great bunch of laurel on my brow,</div> - <div class="i0">Ne'er did thy charms exceed their present glow!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! let me greet thee with a loving kiss—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Sees the hat.</i></span></div> - <div class="i0">Why, what the devil!—say, whose hat is this?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Why, help your silly brains, that's not a hat.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> No hat?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Suppose it is, why, what of that?</div> - <div class="i0">A hat can do no harm without a head!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Whoe'er it fits, this hour I doom him dead;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_221" id="Page_221">[Pg 221]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Alive from hence the caitiff shall not stir——</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Discovers the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - <div class="i0">Your most obedient, humble servant; sir.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Oh, general, oh!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft6">My much-loved master, oh!</span></div> - <div class="i0">What means all this?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft5">Indeed I hardly know——</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> You hardly know?—a very pretty joke,</div> - <div class="i0">If kingly promises so soon are broke!</div> - <div class="i0">Arn't I to be a queen, and dress so fine?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> I do repent me of the foul design:</div> - <div class="i0">To thee, my brave Bombastes, I restore</div> - <div class="i0">Pure Distaffina, and will never more</div> - <div class="i0">Through lane or street with lawless passion rove,</div> - <div class="i0">But give to Griskinissa all my love.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> No, no, I'll love no more; let him who can</div> - <div class="i0">Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man.</div> - <div class="i0">In some lone place I'll find a gloomy cave,</div> - <div class="i0">There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave.</div> - <div class="i0">Then all unseen I'll lay me down and die,</div> - <div class="i0">Since woman's constancy is—all my eye.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6"><span class="smcap">Trio</span>.—"<em>O Lady Fair!</em>"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Dislaf.</i> O, cruel man! where are you going?</div> - <div class="i5">Sad are my wants, my rent is owing.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> I go, I go, all comfort scorning;</div> - <div class="i5">Some death I'll die before the morning.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Heigho, heigho! sad is that warning—</div> - <div class="i5">Oh, do not die before the morning!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">King.</i> I'll follow him, all danger scorning;</div> - <div class="i5">He shall not die before the morning.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> I go, I go, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Heigho, heigho, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1"><i class="personae">King.</i> I'll follow him, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>They hold him by the coat-tails, but he gradually tugs -them off.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<h4><span class="smcap">Scene IV</span>.—<i>A Wood.</i></h4> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Fusbos</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> This day is big with fate: just as I set</div> - <div class="i0">My foot across the threshold, lo! I met</div> - <div class="i0">A man whose squint terrific struck my view;</div> - <div class="i0">Another came, and lo! he squinted too;</div> - <div class="i0">And ere I'd reach'd the corner of the street,</div> - <div class="i0">Some ten short paces, 'twas my lot to meet</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_222" id="Page_222">[Pg 222]</a></span> - <div class="i0">A third who squinted more—a fourth, and he</div> - <div class="i0">Squinted more vilely than the other three.</div> - <div class="i0">Such omens met the eye when Cæsar fell,</div> - <div class="i0">But cautioned him in vain; and who can tell</div> - <div class="i0">Whether those awful notices of fate</div> - <div class="i0">Are meant for kings or ministers of state;</div> - <div class="i0">For rich or poor, old, young, or short or tall,</div> - <div class="i0">The wrestler Love trips up the heels of all.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><span class="smcap">Song</span>.—"<i>My Lodging is on the Cold Ground.</i>"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">My lodging is in Leather Lane,</div> - <div class="i5">A parlour that's next to the sky;</div> - <div class="i4">'Tis exposed to the wind and the rain,</div> - <div class="i5">But the wind and the rain I defy:</div> - <div class="i4">Such love warms the coldest of spots,</div> - <div class="i5">As I feel for Scrubinda the fair;</div> - <div class="i4">Oh, she lives by the scouring of pots,</div> - <div class="i5">In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Oh, were I a quart, pint, or gill,</div> - <div class="i5">To be scrubb'd by her delicate hands,</div> - <div class="i4">Let others possess what they will</div> - <div class="i5">Of learning, and houses, and lands;</div> - <div class="i4">My parlour that's next to the sky</div> - <div class="i5">I'd quit, her blest mansion to share;</div> - <div class="i4">So happy to live and to die</div> - <div class="i5">In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">And oh, would this damsel be mine,</div> - <div class="i5">No other provision I'd seek;</div> - <div class="i4">On a look I could breakfast and dine,</div> - <div class="i5">And feast on a smile for a week.</div> - <div class="i4">But ah! should she false-hearted prove,</div> - <div class="i5">Suspended, I'll dangle in air;</div> - <div class="i4">A victim to delicate love,</div> - <div class="i5">In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Bombastes</span>, <i>preceded by a Fifer, playing "Michael -Wiggins."</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Gentle musician, let thy dulcet strain</div> - <div class="i0">Proceed—play "Michael Wiggins" once again <span class="stageone">[<i>he does so</i>.]</span></div> - <div class="i0">Music's the food of love; give o'er, give o'er,</div> - <div class="i0">For I must batten on that food no more. <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Fifer</span>.</span></div> - <div class="i0">My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps,</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst, merry Michael, all thy cards were trumps.</div> - <div class="i0">So, should some youth by fortune's blest decrees,</div> - <div class="i0">Possess at least a pound of Cheshire cheese,</div> - <div class="i0">And bent some favour'd party to regale,</div> - <div class="i0">Lay in a kilderkin, or so, of ale;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_223" id="Page_223">[Pg 223]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Lo, angry fate! In one unlucky hour</div> - <div class="i0">Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour,</div> - <div class="i0">And the loud thunder turn the liquor sour <span class="stageone">[<i>forms his sash into a noose</i>.]</span></div> - <div class="i0">Alas! alack! alack! and well-a-day,</div> - <div class="i0">That ever man should make himself away!</div> - <div class="i0">That ever man for woman false should die,</div> - <div class="i0">As many have, and so, and so <span class="stageone">[<i>prepares to hang himself, tries -the sensation, but disapproves of the result</i>]</span> won't I!</div> - <div class="i0">No, I'll go mad! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage,</div> - <div class="i0">And with this wicked wanton world a woeful war I'll wage!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecentre2">[<i>Hangs his boots to the arm of a tree, and taking a scrap -of paper, with a pencil writes the following couplet, -which he attaches to them, repeating the words</i>:—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Who dares this pair of boots displace,</div> - <div class="i0"> Must meet Bombastes face to face."</div> - <div class="i0">Thus do I challenge all the human race.</div> -<div class="stagecenter">[<i>Draws his sword, and retires up the stage, and off.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> Scorning my proffer'd hand, he frowning fled,</div> - <div class="i0">Curs'd the fair maid, and shook his angry head <span class="stageone">[<i>perceives the boots and label.</i>.]</span></div> - <div class="i0">"Who dares this pair of boots displace,</div> - <div class="i0"> Must meet Bombastes face to face."</div> - <div class="i0">Ha! dost thou dare me, vile obnoxious elf?</div> - <div class="i0">I'll make thy threats as bootless as thyself:</div> - <div class="i0">Where'er thou art, with speed prepare to go</div> - <div class="i0">Where I shall send thee—to the shades below <span class="stageone">[<i>knocks down the boots</i>.]</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>coming forward</i>.]</span> So have I heard on Afric's burning shore,</div> - <div class="i0">A hungry lion give a grievous roar;</div> - <div class="i0">The grievous roar echo'd along the shore.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> So have I heard on Afric's burning shore</div> - <div class="i0">Another lion give a grievous roar,</div> - <div class="i0">And the first lion thought the last a bore.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Am I then mocked? Now by my fame I swear</div> - <div class="i0">You soon shall have it—There! <span class="stageright">[<i>They fight.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft9">Where?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft11">There and there!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> I have it sure enough—Oh! I am slain!</div> - <div class="i0">I'd give a pot of beer to live again <span class="stageone">[<i>falls on his back</i>]</span>;</div> - <div class="i0">Yet ere I die I something have to say:</div> - <div class="i0">My once-lov'd gen'ral, pri'thee come this way!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! oh! my Bom—— <span class="stageright">[<i>Dies.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_224" id="Page_224">[Pg 224]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft5">—Bastes he would have said;</span></div> - <div class="i0">But ere the word was out, his breath was fled.</div> - <div class="i0">Well, peace be with him, his untimely doom</div> - <div class="i0">Shall thus be mark'd upon his costly tomb:—</div> - <div class="i0">"Fate cropt him short—for be it understood.</div> - <div class="i0">He would have liv'd much longer—if he could." <span class="stageright">[<i>Retires again up the stage.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Fusbos</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> This was the way they came, and much I fear</div> - <div class="i0">There's mischief in the wind. What have we here?</div> - <div class="i0">King Artaxominous bereft of life!</div> - <div class="i0">Here'll be a pretty tale to tell his wife.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> A pretty tale, but not for thee to tell,</div> - <div class="i0">For thou shalt quickly follow him to hell;</div> - <div class="i0">There say I sent thee, and I hope he's well.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> No, thou thyself shalt thy own message bear;</div> - <div class="i0">Short is the journey, thou wilt soon be there. <span class="stageright">[<i>They fight</i>—<span class="smcap">Bombastes</span> <i>is wounded</i>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> Oh, Fusbos, Fusbos! I am diddled quite,</div> - <div class="i0">Dark clouds come o'er my eyes—farewell, good night!</div> - <div class="i0">Good night! my mighty soul's inclined to roam,</div> - <div class="i0">So make my compliments to all at home. <span class="stageright">[<i>Lies down by the</i> <span class="smcap">King</span>.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> And o'er thy grave a monument shall rise,</div> - <div class="i0">Where heroes yet unborn shall feast their eyes;</div> - <div class="i0">And this short epitaph that speaks thy fame,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall also there immortalize my name:—</div> - <div class="i0">"Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb,</div> - <div class="i0"> Who conquered all but Fusbos—Fusbos him."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Distaffina</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> Ah, wretched maid! Oh, miserable fate!</div> - <div class="i0">I've just arrived in time to be too late;</div> - <div class="i0">What now shall hapless Distaffina do?</div> - <div class="i0">Curse on all morning dreams, they come so true!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man,</div> - <div class="i0">And get another lover where you can:</div> - <div class="i0">The crown now sits on Griskinissa's head,</div> - <div class="i0">To her I'll go——</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="mleft4">But are you sure they're dead?</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> Yes, dead as herrings—herrings that are red.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_225" id="Page_225">[Pg 225]</a></span> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<h5>FINALE.</h5> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="mleft4">Briny tears I'll shed,</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft6">I for joy shall cry, too;</span> <span class="stageright">[<i>Rising.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> <span class="mleft4">Zounds! the King's alive!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft6">Yes, and so am I, too!</span> <span class="stageright">[<i>Rising.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="mleft4">It was better far,</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft6">Thus to check all sorrow;</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> <span class="mleft4">But, if some folks please,</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft6">We'll die again to-morrow!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<hr class="tb" /> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Distaf.</i> <span class="mleft4">Tu ral, lu ral, la,</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">King.</i> <span class="mleft6">Tu ral, lu ral, laddi;</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Fusbos.</i> <span class="mleft4">Tu ral, lu ral, la,</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bombas.</i> <span class="mleft6">Tu ral, lu ral, laddi!</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>They take hands and dance round, repeating Chorus.</i></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_226" id="Page_226"></a><br /><a name="Page_227" id="Page_227"></a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="Rejected_Addresses" id="Rejected_Addresses"></a><span class="smcap">Rejected Addresses</span>.</h2> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<p class="p1a">PREFACE.</p> - - -<p>On the 14th of August, 1812, the following advertisement -appeared in most of the daily papers:</p> - -<p class="center">"<em>Rebuilding of Drury Lane Theatre.</em></p> - -<p>"The Committee are desirous of promoting a free and fair -competition for an Address to be spoken upon the opening of -the Theatre, which will take place, on the 10th of October next. -They have therefore thought fit to announce to the public, that -they will be glad to receive any such compositions, addressed to -their Secretary, at the Treasury Office, in Drury Lane, on or -before the 10th of September, sealed up, with a distinguishing -word, number, or motto, on the cover, corresponding with the -inscription on a separate sealed paper containing the name of -the author, which will not be opened, unless containing the name -of the successful candidate."</p> - -<p>Upon the propriety of this plan, men's minds were, as they -usually are upon matters of moment, much divided. Some -thought it a fair promise of the future intention of the Committee -to abolish that phalanx of authors who usurp the stage, to the -exclusion of a large assortment of dramatic talent blushing -unseen in the background; while others contended, that the -scheme would prevent men of real eminence from descending -into an amphitheatre in which all Grub Street (that is to say, -all London and Westminster) would be arrayed against them. -The event has proved both parties to be in a degree right, and -in a degree wrong. One hundred and twelve Addresses have -been sent in, each sealed and signed, and mottoed, "as per -order," some written by men of great, some by men of little, -and some by men of no talent.</p> - -<p>Many of the public prints have censured the taste of the -Committee, in thus contracting for Addresses as they would for -nails—by the gross; but it is surprising that none should have -censured their <em>temerity</em>. One hundred and eleven of the -Addresses must, of course, be unsuccessful: to each of the<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_228" id="Page_228">[Pg 228]</a></span> -authors, thus infallibly classed with the <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">genus irritabile</i>, it -would be very hard to deny six staunch friends, who consider -his the best of all possible Addresses, and whose tongues will -be as ready to laud him as to hiss his adversary. These, with -the potent aid of the bard himself, make seven foes per Address, -and thus will be created seven hundred and seventy-seven -implacable auditors, prepared to condemn the strains of Apollo -himself; a band of adversaries which no prudent manager -would think of exasperating.</p> - -<p>But leaving the Committee to encounter the responsibility -they have incurred, the public have at least to thank them for -ascertaining and establishing one point, which might otherwise -have admitted of controversy. When it is considered that many -amateur writers have been discouraged from becoming competitors, -and that few, if any, of the professional authors can -afford to write for nothing, and of course have not been -candidates for the honorary prize at Drury Lane, we may -confidently pronounce, that, as far as regards <em>number</em>, the present -is undoubtedly the Augustan age of English poetry. -Whether or not this distinction will be extended to the <em>quality</em> -of its productions, must be decided at the tribunal of posterity, -though the natural anxiety of our authors on this score ought to -be considerably diminished, when they reflect how few will, in -all probability, be had up for judgment.</p> - -<p>It is not necessary for the Editor to mention the manner in -which he became possessed of this "fair sample of the present -state of poetry in Great Britain." It was his first intention to -publish the whole; but a little reflection convinced him that, by -so doing, he might depress the good, without elevating the bad. -He has therefore culled what had the appearance of flowers, -from what possessed the reality of weeds, and is extremely sorry -that, in so doing, he has diminished his collection to twenty-one. -Those which he has rejected may possibly make their appearance -in a separate volume, or they may be admitted as volunteers -in the files of some of the newspapers; or, at all events, they -are sure of being received among the awkward squad of the -Magazines. In general, they bear a close resemblance to each -other: thirty of them contain extravagant compliments to the -immortal Wellington, and the indefatigable Whitbread; and, as -the last-mentioned gentleman is said to dislike praise in the -exact proportion in which he deserves it, these laudatory writers -have probably been only building a wall, against which they -might run their own heads.</p> - -<p>The Editor here begs leave to advance a few words in behalf -of that useful and much-abused bird, the Phœnix, and in so -doing he is biassed by no partiality, as he assures the reader he -not only never saw one, but (<i xml:lang="la" lang="la">mirabile dictu!</i>) never caged one in -a simile in the whole course of his life. Not less than sixty-nine<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_229" id="Page_229">[Pg 229]</a></span> -of the competitors have invoked the aid of this native of Arabia; -but as from their manner of using him, after they had caught -him, he does not by any means appear to have been a native of -Arabia <em>Felix</em>, the Editor has left the proprietors to treat with -Mr. Polito, and refused to receive this <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">rara avis</i>, or black swan, -into the present collection. One exception occurs, in which the -admirable treatment of this feathered incombustible entitles the -author to great praise. That Address has been preserved, -and in the ensuing pages takes the lead, to which its dignity -entitles it.</p> - -<p>Perhaps the reason why several of the subjoined productions -of the <span class="smcap">Musæ Londinenses</span> have failed of selection, may be -discovered in their being penned in a metre unusual upon -occasions of this sort, and in their not being written with that -attention to stage effect, the want of which, like want of manners -in the concerns of life, is more prejudicial than a deficiency of -talent. There is an art in writing for the Theatre, technically -called <em>touch and go</em>, which is indispensable when we consider the -small quantum of patience which so motley an assemblage as a -London audience can be expected to afford. All the contributors -have been very exact in sending their initials and mottoes. Those -belonging to the present collection have been carefully preserved, -and each has been affixed to its respective poem. The -letters that accompanied the Addresses having been honourably -destroyed unopened, it is impossible to state the real authors -with any certainty, but the ingenious reader, after comparing -the initials with the motto, and both with the poem, may form -his own conclusions.</p> - -<p>The Editor does not anticipate any disapprobation from thus -giving publicity to a small portion of the <span class="smcap">Rejected Addresses</span>; -for, unless he is widely mistaken in assigning the respective -authors, the fame of each individual is established on much too -firm a basis to be shaken by so trifling and evanescent a publication -as the present:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6">neque ego illi detrahere ausim</div> - <div class="i0">Hærentem capiti multâ cum laude coronam.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Of the numerous pieces already sent to the Committee for -performance, he has only availed himself of three vocal Travesties, -which he has selected, not for their merit, but simply for -their brevity. Above one hundred spectacles, melodramas, -operas, and pantomimes have been transmitted, besides the two -first acts of one legitimate comedy. Some of these evince considerable -smartness of manual dialogue, and several brilliant -repartees of chairs, tables, and other inanimate wits; but the -authors seem to have forgotten that in the new Drury Lane the -audience can hear as well as see. Of late our theatres have been -so constructed that John Bull has been compelled to have very<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_230" id="Page_230">[Pg 230]</a></span> -long ears, or none at all; to keep them dangling about his skull -like discarded servants, while his eyes were gazing at piebalds -and elephants, or else to stretch them out to an asinine length -to catch the congenial sound of braying trumpets. An auricular -revolution is, we trust, about to take place; and, as many people -have been much puzzled to define the meaning of the new era, -of which we have heard so much, we venture to pronounce, that -as far as regards Drury Lane Theatre, the new era means the -reign of ears. If the past affords any pledge for the future, we -may confidently expect from the Committee of that House, -everything that can be accomplished by the union of taste and -assiduity.</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="LOYAL_EFFUSION" id="LOYAL_EFFUSION"></a>LOYAL EFFUSION.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By W. T. F.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Quiequid dicunt, laudo: id rursum si negant</div> - <div class="i4">Laudo id quoque.—<span class="smcap">Terence</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hail, glorious edifice, stupendous work!</div> - <div class="i0">God bless the Regent and the Duke of York!</div> - <div class="i1">Ye Muses! by whose aid I cried down Fox,</div> - <div class="i0">Grant me in Drury Lane a private box,</div> - <div class="i0">Where I may loll, cry bravo, and profess</div> - <div class="i0">The boundless powers of England's glorious press;</div> - <div class="i0">While Afric's sons exclaim, from shore to shore,</div> - <div class="i0">"Quashee ma boo!" the slave-trade is no more.</div> - <div class="i0"> In fair Arabia (happy once, now stony,</div> - <div class="i0">Since ruined by that arch apostate, Boney),</div> - <div class="i0">A phœnix late was caught: the Arab host</div> - <div class="i0">Long ponder'd, part would boil it, part would roast:</div> - <div class="i0">But while they ponder, up the pot-lid flies,</div> - <div class="i0">Fledged, beak'd, and claw'd, alive, they see him rise</div> - <div class="i0">To heaven, and caw defiance in the skies.</div> - <div class="i0">So Drury, first in roasting flames consumed,</div> - <div class="i0">Then by old renters to hot water doom'd,</div> - <div class="i0">By Wyatt's trowel patted, plump and sleek,</div> - <div class="i0">Soars without wings, and caws without a beak.</div> - <div class="i0">Gallia's stern despot shall in vain advance</div> - <div class="i0">From Paris, the metropolis of France;</div> - <div class="i0">By this day month the monster shall not gain</div> - <div class="i0">A foot of land in Portugal or Spain.</div> - <div class="i0">See Wellington in Salamanca's field</div> - <div class="i0">Forces his favourite general to yield,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_231" id="Page_231">[Pg 231]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Breaks thro' his lines, and leaves his boasted Marmont</div> - <div class="i0">Expiring on the plain without his arm on:</div> - <div class="i0">Madrid he enters at the cannon's mouth,</div> - <div class="i0">And then the villages still further south.</div> - <div class="i0">Base Buonaparté, fill'd with deadly ire,</div> - <div class="i0">Sets, one by one, our playhouses on fire;</div> - <div class="i0">Some years ago he pounced with deadly glee on</div> - <div class="i0">The Opera House, then burnt down the Pantheon;</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, still unsated, in a coat of flames,</div> - <div class="i0">Next at Millbank he crossed the river Thames:</div> - <div class="i0">Thy hatch, O halfpenny! pass'd in a trice,</div> - <div class="i0">Boil'd some black pitch, and burnt down Astley's twice;</div> - <div class="i0">Then buzzing on thro' ether with a vile hum,</div> - <div class="i0">Turn'd to the left hand, fronting the asylum,</div> - <div class="i0">And burnt the Royal Circus in a hurry,—</div> - <div class="i0">('Twas call'd the Circus then, but now the Surrey).</div> - <div class="i1">Who burnt (confound his soul!) the houses twain</div> - <div class="i0">Of Covent Garden and of Drury Lane?</div> - <div class="i0">Who, while the British squadron lay off Cork</div> - <div class="i0">(God bless the Regent and the Duke of York),</div> - <div class="i0">With a foul earthquake ravaged the Caraccas,</div> - <div class="i0">And raised the price of dry goods and tobaccos?</div> - <div class="i0">Who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise?</div> - <div class="i0">Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies?</div> - <div class="i0">Who thought in flames St. James's Court to pinch?</div> - <div class="i0">Who burnt the wardrobe of poor Lady Finch?</div> - <div class="i0">Why he, who, forging for this isle a yoke,</div> - <div class="i0">Reminds me of a line I lately spoke,</div> - <div class="i0">"The tree of freedom is the British oak."</div> - <div class="i0"> Bless every man possessed of aught to give;</div> - <div class="i0">Long may Long Tilney Wellesley Long Pole live;</div> - <div class="i0">God bless the army, bless their coats of scarlet,</div> - <div class="i0">God bless the navy, bless the Princess Charlotte,</div> - <div class="i0">God bless the guards, though worsted Gallia scoff,</div> - <div class="i0">And bless their pigtails, tho' they're now cut off;</div> - <div class="i0">And oh, in Downing Street should Old Nick revel,</div> - <div class="i0">England's prime minister, then bless the Devil!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_232" id="Page_232">[Pg 232]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE_BABYS_DEBUT" id="THE_BABYS_DEBUT"></a>THE BABY'S DEBUT.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By W. W.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thy lisping prattle and thy mincing gait,</div> - <div class="i0">All thy false mimic fooleries I hate,</div> - <div class="i0">For thou art Folly's counterfeit, and she</div> - <div class="i0">Who is right foolish hath the better plea;</div> - <div class="i0">Nature's true Idiot I prefer to thee.—<span class="smcap">Cumberland</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2">[<i>Spoken in the character of</i> <span class="smcap">Nancy Lake</span>, <i>a girl eight years of -age, who is drawn upon the stage in a child's chaise, by</i> -<span class="smcap">Samuel Hughes</span>, <i>her uncle's porter</i>.]</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My brother Jack was nine in May,</div> - <div class="i0">And I was eight on New-year's-day;</div> - <div class="i2">So in Kate Wilson's shop</div> - <div class="i0">Papa (he's my papa and Jack's)</div> - <div class="i0">Bought me, last week, a doll of wax,</div> - <div class="i2">And brother Jack a top.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Jack's in the pouts, and this it is,</div> - <div class="i0">He thinks mine came to more than his,</div> - <div class="i2">So to my drawer he goes,</div> - <div class="i0">Takes out the doll, and, oh, my stars!</div> - <div class="i0">He pokes her head between the bars,</div> - <div class="i2">And melts off half her nose!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Quite cross, a bit of string I beg,</div> - <div class="i0">And tie it to his peg-top's peg,</div> - <div class="i2">And bang, with might and main,</div> - <div class="i0">Its head against the parlour door:</div> - <div class="i0">Off flies the head, and hits the floor,</div> - <div class="i2">And breaks a window-pane.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">This made him cry with rage and spite:</div> - <div class="i0">Well, let him cry, it serves him right.</div> - <div class="i2">A pretty thing, forsooth!</div> - <div class="i0">If he's to melt, all scalding hot,</div> - <div class="i0">Half my doll's nose, and I am not</div> - <div class="i2">To draw his peg-top's tooth!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Aunt Hannah heard the window break,</div> - <div class="i0">And cried, "O naughty Nancy Lake,</div> - <div class="i2">Thus to distress your aunt:</div> - <div class="i0">No Drury Lane for you to-day!"</div> - <div class="i0">And while papa said, "Pooh, she may!"</div> - <div class="i2">Mamma said, "No, she shan't!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_233" id="Page_233">[Pg 233]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Well, after many a sad reproach,</div> - <div class="i0">They got into a hackney coach,</div> - <div class="i2">And trotted down the street.</div> - <div class="i0">I saw them go: one horse was blind,</div> - <div class="i0">The tails of both hung down behind,</div> - <div class="i2">Their shoes were on their feet.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The chaise in which poor brother Bill</div> - <div class="i0">Used to be drawn to Pentonville,</div> - <div class="i2">Stood in the lumber-room:</div> - <div class="i0">I wiped the dust from off the top,</div> - <div class="i0">While Molly mopp'd it with a mop,</div> - <div class="i2">And brush'd it with a broom.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My uncle's porter, Samuel Hughes,</div> - <div class="i0">Came in at six to black the shoes</div> - <div class="i2">(I always talk to Sam):</div> - <div class="i0">So what does he, but takes, and drags</div> - <div class="i0">Me in the chaise along the flags,</div> - <div class="i2">And leaves me where I am.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My father's walls are made of brick,</div> - <div class="i0">But not so tall, and not so thick,</div> - <div class="i2">As these; and, goodness me!</div> - <div class="i0">My father's beams are made of wood,</div> - <div class="i0">But never, never half so good,</div> - <div class="i2">As these that now I see.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What a large floor! 'tis like a town!</div> - <div class="i0">The carpet, when they lay it down,</div> - <div class="i2">Won't hide it, I'll be bound.</div> - <div class="i0">And there's a row of lamps! my eye!</div> - <div class="i0">How they do blaze! I wonder why</div> - <div class="i2">They keep them on the ground.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">At first I caught hold of the wing,</div> - <div class="i0">And kept away; but Mr. Thing-</div> - <div class="i2">umbob, the prompter man,</div> - <div class="i0">Gave with his hand my chaise a shove,</div> - <div class="i0">And said, "Go on, my pretty love,</div> - <div class="i2">Speak to 'em, little Nan.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"You've only got to curtsey, whisp-</div> - <div class="i0">er, hold your chin up, laugh and lisp,</div> - <div class="i2">And then you're sure to take:</div> - <div class="i0">I've known the day when brats not quite</div> - <div class="i0">Thirteen got fifty pounds a night;</div> - <div class="i2">Then why not Nancy Lake?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_234" id="Page_234">[Pg 234]</a></span> - <div class="i0">But while I'm speaking, where's papa?</div> - <div class="i0">And where's my aunt? and where's mamma?</div> - <div class="i2">Where's Jack? Oh, there they sit!</div> - <div class="i0">They smile, they nod, I'll go my ways,</div> - <div class="i0">And order round poor Billy's chaise,</div> - <div class="i2">To join them in the pit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And now, good gentlefolks, I go</div> - <div class="i0">To join mamma, and see the show;</div> - <div class="i2">So, bidding you adieu,</div> - <div class="i0">I curtsey, like a pretty miss,</div> - <div class="i0">And if you'll blow to me a kiss,</div> - <div class="i2">I'll blow a kiss to you. <span class="stageright">[<i>Blows kiss, and exit.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="AN_ADDRESS_WITHOUT_A_PHOENIX" id="AN_ADDRESS_WITHOUT_A_PHOENIX"></a>AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHŒNIX.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By S. T. P.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd.—</div> - <div class="i19"><span class="smcap">What You Will</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What stately vision mocks my waking sense?</div> - <div class="i0">Hence, dear delusion, sweet enchantment, hence!</div> - <div class="i0">Ha! is it real?—can my doubts be vain?</div> - <div class="i0">It is, it is, and Drury lives again!</div> - <div class="i0">Around each grateful veteran attends,</div> - <div class="i0">Eager to rush and gratulate his friends,</div> - <div class="i0">Friends whose kind looks, retraced with proud delight,</div> - <div class="i0">Endear the past, and make the future bright.</div> - <div class="i0">Yes, generous patrons, your returning smile</div> - <div class="i0">Blesses our toils, and consecrates our pile.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">When last we met, Fate's unrelenting hand</div> - <div class="i0">Already grasp'd the devastating brand;</div> - <div class="i0">Slow crept the silent flame, ensnared its prize,</div> - <div class="i0">Then burst resistless to the astonish'd skies.</div> - <div class="i0">The glowing walls, disrobed of scenic pride,</div> - <div class="i0">In trembling conflict stemm'd the burning tide,</div> - <div class="i0">Till crackling, blazing, rocking to its fall,</div> - <div class="i0">Down rush'd the thundering roof, and buried all!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Where late the sister Muses sweetly sung,</div> - <div class="i0">And raptur'd thousands on their music hung,</div> - <div class="i0">Where Wit and Wisdom shone by Beauty graced,</div> - <div class="i0">Sate lonely Silence, empress of the waste;</div> - <div class="i0">And still had reign'd—but he whose voice can raise</div> - <div class="i0">More magic wonders than Amphion's lays,</div> - <div class="i0">Bade jarring bands with friendly zeal engage,</div> - <div class="i0">To rear the prostrate glories of the stage.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_235" id="Page_235">[Pg 235]</a></span> - <div class="i0">To rear the prostrate glories of the stage.</div> - <div class="i0">Up leap'd the Muses at the potent spell,</div> - <div class="i0">And Drury's genius saw his temple swell,</div> - <div class="i0">Worthy, we hope, the British Drama's cause,</div> - <div class="i0">Worthy of British arts, and your applause.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Guided by you, our earnest aims presume</div> - <div class="i0">To renovate the Drama with the dome;</div> - <div class="i0">The scenes of Shakespeare and our bards of old,</div> - <div class="i0">With due observance splendidly unfold,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet raise and foster with parental hand</div> - <div class="i0">The living talent of our native land.</div> - <div class="i0">O! may we still, to sense and nature true,</div> - <div class="i0">Delight the many, nor offend the few.</div> - <div class="i0">Tho' varying tastes our changeful drama claim,</div> - <div class="i0">Still be its moral tendency the same,</div> - <div class="i0">To win by precept, by example warn,</div> - <div class="i0">To brand the front of vice with pointed scorn,</div> - <div class="i0">And Virtue's smiling brows with votive wreaths adorn.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - - -<h2><a name="CUI_BONO" id="CUI_BONO"></a>CUI BONO?</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By Lord B.</span></p> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sated with home, of wife, of children tired,</div> - <div class="i0">The restless soul is driven abroad to roam;</div> - <div class="i0">Sated abroad, all seen, yet nought admired,</div> - <div class="i0">The restless soul is driven to ramble home;</div> - <div class="i0">Sated with both, beneath new Drury's dome</div> - <div class="i0">The fiend Ennui awhile consents to pine,</div> - <div class="i0">There growls, and curses, like a deadly gnome,</div> - <div class="i0">Scorning to view fantastic columbine,</div> - <div class="i0">Viewing with scorn and hate the nonsense of the Nine.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend your way,</div> - <div class="i0">To gaze on puppets in a painted dome,</div> - <div class="i0">Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray,</div> - <div class="i0">Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom,</div> - <div class="i0">What seek ye here? Joy's evanescent bloom?</div> - <div class="i0">Woe's me! the brightest wreaths she ever gave</div> - <div class="i0">Are but as flowers that decorate a tomb.</div> - <div class="i0">Man's heart the mournful urn o'er which they wave,</div> - <div class="i0">Is sacred to despair, its pedestal the grave.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Has life so little store of real woes,</div> - <div class="i0">That here ye wend to taste fictitious grief?</div> - <div class="i0">Or is it that from truth such anguish flows,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_236" id="Page_236">[Pg 236]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Ye court the lying drama for relief?</div> - <div class="i0">Long shall ye find the pang, the respite brief,</div> - <div class="i0">Or if one tolerable page appears</div> - <div class="i0">In folly's volume, 'tis the actor's leaf,</div> - <div class="i0">Who dries his own by drawing others' tears,</div> - <div class="i0">And, raising present mirth, makes glad his future years.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Albeit how like young Betty doth he flee!</div> - <div class="i0">Light as the mote that danceth in the beam,</div> - <div class="i0">He liveth only in man's present e'e,</div> - <div class="i0">His life a flash, his memory a dream,</div> - <div class="i0">Oblivious down he drops in Lethe's stream;</div> - <div class="i0">Yet what are they, the learned and the great?</div> - <div class="i0">Awhile of longer wonderment the theme!</div> - <div class="i0">Who shall presume to prophesy their date,</div> - <div class="i0">Where nought is certain, save the uncertainty of fate?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">This goodly pile, upheav'd by Wyatt's toil,</div> - <div class="i0">Perchance than Holland's edifice more fleet,</div> - <div class="i0">Again red Lemnos' artisan may spoil;</div> - <div class="i0">The fire alarm, and midnight drum may beat,</div> - <div class="i0">And all be strew'd ysmoking at your feet.</div> - <div class="i0">Start ye? Perchance Death's angel may be sent</div> - <div class="i0">Ere from the flaming temple ye retreat,</div> - <div class="i0">And ye who met on revel idlesse bent</div> - <div class="i0">May find in pleasure's fane your grave and monument,</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Your debts mount high—ye plunge in deeper waste,</div> - <div class="i0">The tradesman calls—no warning voice ye hear;</div> - <div class="i0">The plaintiff sues—to public shows ye haste;</div> - <div class="i0">The bailiff threats—ye feel no idle fear.</div> - <div class="i0">Who can arrest your prodigal career?</div> - <div class="i0">Who can keep down the levity of youth?</div> - <div class="i0">What sound can startle age's stubborn ear?</div> - <div class="i0">Who can redeem from wretchedness and ruth</div> - <div class="i0">Men true to falshood's voice, false to the voice of truth?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">To thee, blest saint! who doff'd thy skin to make</div> - <div class="i0">The Smithfield rabble leap from theirs with joy,</div> - <div class="i0">We dedicate the pile—arise! awake!—</div> - <div class="i0">Knock down the Muses, wit and sense destroy,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_237" id="Page_237">[Pg 237]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Clear our new stage from reason's dull alloy,</div> - <div class="i0">Charm hobbling age, and tickle capering youth</div> - <div class="i0">With cleaver, marrow-bone, and Tunbridge toy;</div> - <div class="i0">While, vibrating in unbelieving tooth,</div> - <div class="i0">Harps twang in Drury's walls, and make her boards a booth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">For what is Hamlet, but a hare in March?</div> - <div class="i0">And what is Brutus, but a croaking owl?</div> - <div class="i0">And what is Rolla? Cupid steep'd in starch,</div> - <div class="i0">Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl.</div> - <div class="i0">Shakespeare, how true thine adage, "fair is foul;"</div> - <div class="i0">To him whose soul is with fruition fraught</div> - <div class="i0">The song of Braham is an Irish howl,</div> - <div class="i0">Thinking is but an idle waste of thought,</div> - <div class="i0">And nought is everything, and everything is nought.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sons of Parnassus? whom I view above,</div> - <div class="i0">Not laurel-crown'd but clad in rusty black,</div> - <div class="i0">Not spurring Pegasus through Tempé's grove,</div> - <div class="i0">But pacing Grub Street on a jaded hack,</div> - <div class="i0">What reams of foolscap, while your brains ye rack,</div> - <div class="i0">Ye mar to make again! for sure, ere long,</div> - <div class="i0">Condemn'd to tread the bard's time-sanctioned track,</div> - <div class="i0">Ye all shall join the bailiff-haunted throng,</div> - <div class="i0">And reproduce in rags the rags ye blot in song.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">So fares the follower in the Muses' train,</div> - <div class="i0">He toils to starve, and only lives in death;</div> - <div class="i0">We slight him till our patronage is vain,</div> - <div class="i0">Then round his skeleton a garland wreathe,</div> - <div class="i0">And o'er his bones an empty requiem breathe—</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! with what tragic horror would he start</div> - <div class="i0">(Could he be conjured from the grave beneath),</div> - <div class="i0">To find the stage again a Thespian cart,</div> - <div class="i0">And elephants and colts down trampling Shakespeare's art.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hence, pedant Nature! with thy Grecian rules!</div> - <div class="i0">Centaurs (not fabulous) those rules efface;</div> - <div class="i0">Back, sister Muses, to your native schools;</div> - <div class="i0">Here booted grooms usurp Apollo's place,</div> - <div class="i0">Hoofs shame the boards that Garrick used to grace,</div> - <div class="i0">The play of limbs succeeds the play of wit;</div> - <div class="i0">Man yields the drama to the Houynim race,</div> - <div class="i0">His prompter spurs, his licencer the bit,</div> - <div class="i0">The stage a stable-yard, a jockey-club the pit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_238" id="Page_238">[Pg 238]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Is it for these ye rear this proud abode?</div> - <div class="i0">Is it for these your superstition seeks</div> - <div class="i0">To build a temple worthy of a god,</div> - <div class="i0">To laud a monkey, or to worship leeks?</div> - <div class="i0">Then be the stage, to recompense your freaks,</div> - <div class="i0">A motley chaos, jumbling age and ranks,</div> - <div class="i0">Where Punch, the lignum vitæ Roscius, squeaks,</div> - <div class="i0">And Wisdom weeps, and Folly plays his pranks,</div> - <div class="i0">And moody Madness laughs, and hugs the chain he clanks.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h4><a name="To_the_Secretary_of_the_Managing_Committee_of_Drury_Lane" id="To_the_Secretary_of_the_Managing_Committee_of_Drury_Lane"></a><em>To the Secretary of the Managing Committee of Drury Lane -Playhouse.</em></h4> - - - - -<p class="indenta"><span class="smcap">Sir,</span></p> - -<p>To the gewgaw fetters of rhyme (invented by the monks to -enslave the people) I have a rooted objection. I have therefore -written an address for your theatre in plain, homespun, -yeoman's prose; in the doing whereof I hope I am swayed by -nothing but an independent wish to open the eyes of this gulled -people, to prevent a repetition of the dramatic bamboozling they -have hitherto laboured under. If you like what I have done, -and mean to make use of it, I don't want any such aristocratic -reward as a piece of plate with two griffins sprawling upon it, -or a dog and a jackass fighting for a ha'p'worth of gilt gingerbread, -or any such Bartholomew Fair nonsense. All I ask is, -that the door-keepers of your playhouse may take all the sets of -my Register, now on hand, and force everybody who enters -your door to buy one, giving afterwards a debtor and creditor -account of what they have received, post-paid, and in due course -remitting me the money and unsold Registers, carriage-paid.<br /> -<span class="stageright">I am, &c.,</span><br /> -<span class="stageright">W. C.</span></p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="IN_THE_CHARACTER_OF_A_HAMPSHIRE" id="IN_THE_CHARACTER_OF_A_HAMPSHIRE"></a>IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE<br /> -FARMER.</h2> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6">Rabidâ qui concitus irâ</div> - <div class="i0">Implevit pariter ternis latratibus auras</div> - <div class="i0">Et sparsit virides spumis albentibus agros.—<span class="smcap">Ovid.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="indenta"><span class="smcap">Most thinking People</span>,</p> - -<p>When persons address an audience from the stage, it is usual, -either in words or gesture, to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, -your servant." If I were base enough, mean enough, paltry<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_239" id="Page_239">[Pg 239]</a></span> -enough, and brute beast enough, to follow that fashion, I should -tell two lies in a breath. In the first place, you are not ladies -and gentlemen, but I hope something better—that is to say, -honest men and women; and in the next place, if you were -ever so much ladies, and ever so much gentlemen, I am not, -nor ever will be, your humble servant. You see me here, most -thinking people, by mere chance. I have not been within the -doors of a playhouse before for these ten years, nor till that -abominable custom of taking money at the doors is discontinued, -will I ever sanction a theatre with my presence. The -stage-door is the only gate of freedom in the whole edifice, and -through that I made my way from Bagshaw's in Brydges Street, -to accost you. Look about you. Are you not all comfortable? -Nay, never slink, mun; speak out, if you are dissatisfied, and -tell me so before I leave town. You are now (thanks to Mr. -Whitbread) got into a large, comfortable house. Not into a -gimcrack palace; not into a Solomon's temple; not into a -frost-work of Brobdingnag filagree; but into a plain, honest, -homely, industrious, wholesome, brown, brick playhouse. You -have been struggling for independence and elbow-room these -three years; and who gave it you? Who helped you out of -Lilliput? Who routed you from a rat-hole, five inches by four, -to perch you in a palace? Again and again I answer, Mr. -Whitbread. You might have sweltered in that place with the -Greek name till Doomsday, and neither Lord Castlereagh, Mr. -Canning, no, nor the Marquis Wellesley, would have turned a -trowel to help you out! Remember that. Never forget that. -Read it to your children, and to your children's children! And -now, most thinking people, cast your eyes over my head to what -the builder (I beg his pardon, the architect) calls the proscenium. -No motto, no slang, no Popish Latin to keep the people in the -dark. No <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">Veluti in speculum</i>. Nothing in the dead languages, -properly so called, for they ought to die, ay, and be damned to -boot! The Covent Garden manager tried that, and a pretty -business he made of it! When a man says <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">Veluti in speculum</i>, -he is called a man of letters. Very well, and is not a man who -cries O.P. a man of letters too? You ran your O.P. against his -<i xml:lang="la" lang="la">Veluti in speculum</i>, and pray which beat? I prophesied that, -though I never told anybody. I take it for granted, that every -intelligent man, woman, and child, to whom I address myself, -has stood severally and respectively in Little Russell Street, and -cast their, his, her, and its eyes on the outside of this building -before they paid their money to view the inside. Look at the -brick-work, English audience! Look at the brick-work! All -plain and smooth like a quaker's meeting. None of your -Egyptian pyramids, to entomb subscribers' capitals. No overgrown -colonnades of stone, like an alderman's gouty legs in -white cotton stockings, fit only to use as rammers for paving<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_240" id="Page_240">[Pg 240]</a></span> -Tottenham Court Road. This house is neither after the model -of a temple in Athens, no, nor a temple in Moorfields, but it is -built to act English plays in, and provided you have good -scenery, dresses, and decorations, I dare say you wouldn't break -your hearts if the outside were as plain as the pikestaff I used -to carry when I was a sergeant. <em>Apropos</em>, as the French valets -say, who cut their masters' throats—<em>apropos</em>, a word about -dresses. You must, many of you, have seen what I have read -a description of—Kemble and Mrs. Siddons in "Macbeth," with -more gold and silver plastered on their doublets than would -have kept an honest family in butchers' meat and flannel from -year's end to year's end! I am informed (now mind, I do not -vouch for the fact), but I am informed that all such extravagant -idleness is to be done away with here. Lady Macbeth is to have -a plain quilted petticoat, a cotton gown, and a mob cap (as the -court parasites call it; it will be well for them if, one of these -days, they don't wear a mob cap—I mean a white cap, with a -mob to look at them), and Macbeth is to appear in an honest -yeoman's drab coat, and a pair of black calamanco breeches. -Not <em>Sal</em>amanca; no, nor Talavera neither, my most noble -Marquis, but plain, honest, black calamanco, stuff breeches. -This is right; this is as it should be. Most thinking -people, I have heard you much abused. There is not a compound -in the language but is strung fifty in a rope, like onions, -by the <cite>Morning Post</cite>, and hurled in your teeth. You are called -the mob, and when they have made you out to be the mob, you -are called the scum of the people, and the dregs of the people. -I should like to know how you can be both. Take a basin of -broth—not cheap soup, Mr. Wilberforce, not soup for the poor -at a penny a quart, as your mixture of horses' legs, brick-dust, -and old shoes was denominated, but plain, wholesome, patriotic -beef or mutton broth; take this, examine it, and you will find—mind, -I don't vouch for the fact, but I am told you will find -the dregs at the bottom, and the scum at the top. I will endeavour -to explain this to you: England is a large earthenware -pipkin. John Bull is the beef thrown into it. Taxes are the -hot water he boils in. Rotten boroughs are the fuel that blazes -under this same pipkin. Parliament is the ladle that stirs the -hodge-podge, and sometimes—but hold, I don't wish to pay -Mr. Newman a second visit. I leave you better off than you -have been this many a day. You have a good house over your -head; you have beat the French in Spain; the harvest has -turned out well; the comet keeps its distance; and red slippers -are hawked about in Constantinople for next to nothing, and for -all this, again and again I tell you, you are indebted to Mr. -Whitbread!</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_241" id="Page_241">[Pg 241]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE_LIVING_LUSTRES" id="THE_LIVING_LUSTRES"></a>THE LIVING LUSTRES.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By T. M.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">Jam te juvaverit</div> - <div class="i5">Viros relinquere,</div> - <div class="i5">Doctæque conjugis</div> - <div class="i5">Sinu quiescere.—<span class="smcap">Sir T. More.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O why should our dull retrospective Addresses</div> - <div class="i1">Fall damp as wet blankets on Drury Lane fire?</div> - <div class="i0">Away with blue devils, away with distresses,</div> - <div class="i1">And give the gay spirit to sparkling desire!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Let artists decide on the beauties of Drury,</div> - <div class="i1">The richest to me is when woman is there:</div> - <div class="i0">The question of houses I leave to the jury;</div> - <div class="i1">The fairest to me is the house of the fair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders,</div> - <div class="i1">And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart,</div> - <div class="i0">What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders,</div> - <div class="i1">With Nature so bounteous, why call upon Art?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">How well would our actors attend to their duties,</div> - <div class="i1">Our house save in oil, and our authors in wit,</div> - <div class="i0">In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young beauties</div> - <div class="i1">Glanced light from their eyes between us and the pit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge</div> - <div class="i1">By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize,</div> - <div class="i0">To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College;</div> - <div class="i1">I mean the love-apples that bloom in the eyes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling,</div> - <div class="i1">Still governs the slaves that are made by the fair,</div> - <div class="i0">For man is the pupil, who, while her eye's rolling,</div> - <div class="i1">Is lifted to rapture or sunk in despair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_242" id="Page_242">[Pg 242]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Bloom, Theatre, bloom, in the roseate blushes</div> - <div class="i1">Of beauty illumed by a love-breathing smile;</div> - <div class="i0">And flourish, ye pillars, as green as the rushes</div> - <div class="i1">That pillow the nymphs of the Emerald Isle.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">For dear is the Emerald Isle of the Ocean,</div> - <div class="i1">Whose daughters are fair as the foam of the wave,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose sons, unaccustomed to rebel commotion,</div> - <div class="i1">Tho' joyous are sober, tho' peaceful are brave.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The shamrock their olive, sworn foe to a quarrel,</div> - <div class="i1">Protects from the thunder and lightning of rows;</div> - <div class="i0">Their sprig of shillelagh is nothing but laurel,</div> - <div class="i1">Which flourishes rapidly over their brows.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! soon shall they burst the tyrannical shackles,</div> - <div class="i1">Which each panting bosom indignantly names,</div> - <div class="i0">Until not one goose at the capital cackles,</div> - <div class="i1">Against the grand question of Catholic claims.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And then shall each Paddy, who once on the Liffy</div> - <div class="i1">Perchance held the helm of some mack'rel hoy,</div> - <div class="i0">Hold the helm of the state, and dispense in a jiffy</div> - <div class="i1">More fishes than ever he caught when a boy.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And those who now quit their hods, shovels, and barrows,</div> - <div class="i1">In crowds to the bar of some ale-house to flock,</div> - <div class="i0">When bred to <em>our</em> bar shall be Gibbs's and Garrows,</div> - <div class="i1">Assume the silk gown and discard the smock-frock.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">For Erin surpasses the daughters of Neptune,</div> - <div class="i1">As Dian outshines each encircling star,</div> - <div class="i0">And the spheres of the Heavens could never have kept tune</div> - <div class="i1">Till set to the music of Erin-go-bra!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_243" id="Page_243">[Pg 243]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE_REBUILDING" id="THE_REBUILDING"></a>THE REBUILDING.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By R. S.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">—per audaces nova dithyrambos</div> - <div class="i2">Verba devolvit, numerisque fertur</div> - <div class="i2">Lege solutis.—<span class="smcap">Horat.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a"><em>Spoken by a</em> <span class="smcap">Glendoveer</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I am a blessed Glendoveer;</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis mine to speak, and yours to hear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3a"><span class="smcap">Midnight</span>, yet not a nose</div> - <div class="i2">From Tower Hill to Piccadilly snored!</div> - <div class="i3a">Midnight, yet not a nose</div> - <div class="i2">From Indra drew the essence of repose!</div> - <div class="i3a">See with what crimson fury,</div> - <div class="i0">By Indra fann'd, the god of fire ascends the walls of Drury;</div> - <div class="i2">The tops of houses, blue with lead,</div> - <div class="i2">Bend beneath the landlord's tread.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0a">Master and 'prentice, serving man and lord,</div> - <div class="i6">Nailer and tailor,</div> - <div class="i6">Grazier and brazier,</div> - <div class="i3">Thro' streets and alleys pour'd,</div> - <div class="i4">All, all abroad to gaze,</div> - <div class="i4">And wonder at the blaze.</div> - <div class="i3">Thick calf, fat foot, and slim knee,</div> - <div class="i3">Mounted on roof and chimney,</div> - <div class="i3">The mighty roast, the mighty stew</div> - <div class="i8a">To see;</div> - <div class="i5">As if the dismal view</div> - <div class="i2">Were but to them a Brentford jubilee.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Vainly, all radiant Surya, sire of Phaeton,</div> - <div class="i3">(By the Greeks called Apollo)</div> - <div class="i8a">Hollow</div> - <div class="i3">Sounds from thy harp proceed;</div> - <div class="i5">Combustible as reed,</div> - <div class="i1">The tongue of Vulcan licks thy wooden legs:</div> - <div class="i1">From Drury's top, dissever'd from thy pegs,</div> - <div class="i7a">Thou tumblest,</div> - <div class="i7a">Humblest,</div> - <div class="i1">Where late thy bright effulgence shone on high:</div> - <div class="i3">While, by thy somerset excited, fly</div> - <div class="i7a">Ten million,</div> - <div class="i7a">Billion</div> - <div class="i1a">Sparks from the pit, to gem the sable sky.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_244" id="Page_244">[Pg 244]</a></span> - <div class="i1">Now come the men of fire to quench the fires,</div> - <div class="i2">To Russell Street see Globe and Atlas run,</div> - <div class="i3a">Hope gallops first, and second Sun;</div> - <div class="i8a">On flying heel,</div> - <div class="i8a">See Hand-in-Hand</div> - <div class="i8a">O'ertake the band;</div> - <div class="i6">View with what glowing wheel</div> - <div class="i10">He nicks</div> - <div class="i10">Phœnix;</div> - <div class="i0">While Albion scampers from Bridge Street, Blackfriars,</div> - <div class="i6">Drury Lane! Drury Lane!</div> - <div class="i6">Drury Lane! Drury Lane!</div> - <div class="i2">They shout and they bellow again and again.</div> - <div class="i8">All, all in vain!</div> - <div class="i8">Water turns steam;</div> - <div class="i8">Each blazing beam</div> - <div class="i3a">Hisses defiance to the eddying spout,</div> - <div class="i1">It seems but too plain that nothing can put it out!</div> - <div class="i6">Drury Lane! Drury Lane!</div> - <div class="i6">See, Drury Lane expires!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Pent in by smoke-dried beams, twelve moons or more,</div> - <div class="i8">Shorn of his ray,</div> - <div class="i7">Surya in durance lay:</div> - <div class="i5">The workmen heard him shout,</div> - <div class="i6">But thought it would not pay</div> - <div class="i8">To dig him out.</div> - <div class="i4">When lo! terrific Yamen, lord of hell,</div> - <div class="i8">Solemn as lead,</div> - <div class="i7a">Judge of the dead,</div> - <div class="i7">Sworn foe to witticism,</div> - <div class="i6a">By men called criticism,</div> - <div class="i6">Came passing by that way:</div> - <div class="i0">"Rise!" cried the fiend, "behold a sight of gladness!</div> - <div class="i6a">Behold the rival theatre,</div> - <div class="i7">I've set O.P. at her,</div> - <div class="i6">Who, like a bull-dog bold,</div> - <div class="i5">Growls and fastens on his hold;</div> - <div class="i3">The many-headed rabble roar in madness:</div> - <div class="i4">Thy rival staggers; come and spy her</div> - <div class="i3">Deep in the mud as thou art in the mire."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">So saying, in his arms he caught the beaming one,</div> - <div class="i6a">And crossing Russell Street,</div> - <div class="i6a">He placed him on his feet,</div> - <div class="i2">'Neath Covent Garden dome. Sudden a sound</div> - <div class="i4a">As of the bricklayers of Babel rose:</div> - <div class="i0">Horns, rattles, drums, tin trumpets, sheets of copper,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_245" id="Page_245">[Pg 245]</a></span> - <div class="i1">Punches and slaps, thwacks of all sorts and sizes,</div> - <div class="i2">From the knobb'd bludgeon to the taper switch,</div> - <div class="i3">Ran echoing round the walls; paper placards</div> - <div class="i0">Blotted the lamps, boots brown with mud the benches:</div> - <div class="i4">A sea of heads roll'd roaring in the pit;</div> - <div class="i8">On paper wings O.P.'s</div> - <div class="i7">Reclin'd in lettered ease;</div> - <div class="i8">While shout and scoff,</div> - <div class="i8a">"Ya! ya! off! off!"</div> - <div class="i4">Like thunderbolt on Surya's ear-drum fell,</div> - <div class="i8">And seem'd to paint</div> - <div class="i6a">The savage oddities of Saint</div> - <div class="i8">Bartholomew in hell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5a">Tears dimm'd the god of light;</div> - <div class="i2a">"Bear me back, Yamen, from this hideous sight,</div> - <div class="i5">Bear me back, Yamen, I grow sick,</div> - <div class="i6">Oh! bury me again in brick;</div> - <div class="i5a">Shall I on New Drury tremble,</div> - <div class="i6">To be O.P.'d like Kemble?</div> - <div class="i11">No,</div> - <div class="i5">Better remain by rubbish guarded,</div> - <div class="i4">Than thus hubbubish groan placarded;</div> - <div class="i4a">Bear me back, Yamen, bear me quick,</div> - <div class="i6">And bury me again in brick."</div> - <div class="i9">Obedient Yamen</div> - <div class="i9">Answer'd, Amen,</div> - <div class="i10">And did</div> - <div class="i9">As he was bid.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">There lay the buried god, and Time</div> - <div class="i4a">Seem'd to decree eternity of lime;</div> - <div class="i3a">But pity, like a dewdrop, gently prest</div> - <div class="i3a">Almighty Veeshnoo's adamantine breast:</div> - <div class="i5">He, the preserver, ardent still</div> - <div class="i5">To do whate'er he says he will,</div> - <div class="i5">From South-hill urg'd his way,</div> - <div class="i4">To raise the drooping lord of day.</div> - <div class="i2">All earthly spells the busy one o'erpower'd;</div> - <div class="i3a">He treats with men of all conditions,</div> - <div class="i2">Poets and players, tradesmen, and musicians;</div> - <div class="i8a">Nay, even ventures</div> - <div class="i7a">To attack the renters,</div> - <div class="i9">Old and new:</div> - <div class="i9">A list he gets</div> - <div class="i7a">Of claims and debts,</div> - <div class="i1">And deems nought done while aught remains to do</div> - <div class="i2a">Yamen beheld and wither'd at the sight;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_246" id="Page_246">[Pg 246]</a></span> - <div class="i3">Long had he aim'd the sunbeam to control,</div> - <div class="i4a">For light was hateful to his soul:</div> - <div class="i1">"Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spite,</div> - <div class="i1">"Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spleen,</div> - <div class="i1a">"Thy toils of the morning, like Ithaca's queen,</div> - <div class="i5a">I'll toil to undo every night."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i7">Ye sons of song, rejoice!</div> - <div class="i2a">Veeshnoo has still'd the jarring elements,</div> - <div class="i7">The spheres hymn music;</div> - <div class="i7a">Again the god of day</div> - <div class="i5">Peeps forth with trembling ray,</div> - <div class="i3a">And pours at intervals a strain divine.</div> - <div class="i2">"I have an iron yet in the fire," cried Yamen;</div> - <div class="i3a">"The vollied flame rides in my breath,</div> - <div class="i5a">My blast is elemental death;</div> - <div class="i1">This hand shall tear their paper bonds to pieces;</div> - <div class="i2">Ingross your deeds, assignments, leases,</div> - <div class="i3a">My breath shall every line erase,</div> - <div class="i5">Soon as I blow the blaze."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">The lawyers are met at the Crown and Anchor,</div> - <div class="i1">And Yamen's visage grows blanker and blanker,</div> - <div class="i1">The lawyers are met at the Anchor and Crown,</div> - <div class="i3">And Yamen's cheek is a russety brown,</div> - <div class="i4">Veshnoo, now thy work proceeds;</div> - <div class="i7">The solicitor reads,</div> - <div class="i6a">And, merit of merit!</div> - <div class="i5a">Red wax and green ferret,</div> - <div class="i3a">Are fix'd at the foot of the deeds!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4a">Yamen beheld and shiver'd;</div> - <div class="i3">His finger and thumb were cramp'd;</div> - <div class="i3a">His ear by the flea in't was bitten,</div> - <div class="i1a">When he saw by the lawyer's clerk written,</div> - <div class="i6">"Sealed and delivered,"</div> - <div class="i6">Being first duly stamped.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">"Now for my turn," the demon cries, and blows</div> - <div class="i1a">A blast of sulphur from his mouth and nose;</div> - <div class="i3a">Ah! bootless aim! the critic fiend,</div> - <div class="i4a">Sagacious Yamen, judge of hell,</div> - <div class="i7">Is judged in his turn;</div> - <div class="i6a">Parchment won't burn!</div> - <div class="i1">His schemes of vengeance are dissolv'd in air,</div> - <div class="i6a">Parchment won't tear!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Is it not written in the Himakoot book</div> - <div class="i3">(That mighty Baly from Kehama took),</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_247" id="Page_247">[Pg 247]</a></span> - <div class="i5a">"Who blows on pounce</div> - <div class="i4a">Must the Swerga renounce?"</div> - <div class="i2">It is! it is! Yamen, thine hour is nigh;</div> - <div class="i4">Like as an eagle claws an asp,</div> - <div class="i1a">Veeshnoo has caught him in his mighty grasp,</div> - <div class="i0">And hurl'd him in spite of his shrieks and his squalls,</div> - <div class="i2">Whizzing aloft like the Temple fountain,</div> - <div class="i2">Three times as high as Meru mountain,</div> - <div class="i8a">Which is</div> - <div class="i3">Ninety-nine times as high as St. Paul's.</div> - <div class="i2a">Descending, he twisted like Levy the Jew,</div> - <div class="i5">Who a durable grave meant</div> - <div class="i5a">To dig in the pavement</div> - <div class="i6a">Of Monument Yard;</div> - <div class="i2a">To earth by the laws of attraction he flew,</div> - <div class="i6a">And he fell, and he fell,</div> - <div class="i6a">To the regions of hell;</div> - <div class="i1a">Nine centuries bounced he from cavern to rock,</div> - <div class="i1a">And his head, as he tumbled, went nickety-nock,</div> - <div class="i5">Like a pebble in Carisbrooke well.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1a">Now Veeshnoo turn'd round to a capering varlet,</div> - <div class="i3">Array'd in blue and white and scarlet,</div> - <div class="i2">And cried, "Oh! brown of slipper as of hat!</div> - <div class="i6">Lend me, harlequin, thy bat!"</div> - <div class="i1">He seiz'd the wooden sword, and smote the earth,</div> - <div class="i5">When lo! upstarting into birth,</div> - <div class="i5">A fabric, gorgeous to behold,</div> - <div class="i5">Outshone in elegance the old,</div> - <div class="i0">And Veeshnoo saw, and cried, "Hail, playhouse mine!"</div> - <div class="i2a">Then, bending his head, to Surya he said,</div> - <div class="i5a">"Go, mount yon edifice,</div> - <div class="i5a">And show thy steady face</div> - <div class="i6a">In renovated pride,</div> - <div class="i3">More bright, more glorious than before!"</div> - <div class="i3a">But ah! coy Surya still felt a twinge,</div> - <div class="i3a">Still smarted from his former singe,</div> - <div class="i5a">And to Veeshnoo replied,</div> - <div class="i6">In a tone rather gruff,</div> - <div class="i3">"No, thank you! one tumble's enough!"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_248" id="Page_248">[Pg 248]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="DRURYS_DIRGE" id="DRURYS_DIRGE"></a>DRURY'S DIRGE.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By Laura Matilda.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force,</div> - <div class="i0">Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse:</div> - <div class="i0">We want their strength, agreed; but we atone</div> - <div class="i0">For that and more, by sweetness all our own.—<span class="smcap">Gifford</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Balmy Zephyrs lightly flitting,</div> - <div class="i4">Shade me with your azure wing;</div> - <div class="i3">On Parnassus' summit sitting,</div> - <div class="i4">Aid me, Clio, while I sing.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Softly slept the dome of Drury,</div> - <div class="i4">O'er the empyreal crest,</div> - <div class="i3">When Alecto's sister-fury,</div> - <div class="i4">Softly slumb'ring sunk to rest.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Lo! from Lemnos limping lamely,</div> - <div class="i4">Lags the lowly Lord of Fire,</div> - <div class="i3">Cytherea yielding tamely,</div> - <div class="i4">To the Cyclops dark and dire.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Clouds of amber, dreams of gladness,</div> - <div class="i4">Dulcet joys and sports of youth,</div> - <div class="i3">Soon must yield to haughty sadness,</div> - <div class="i4">Mercy holds the veil to Truth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">See Erostratus the second,</div> - <div class="i4">Fires again Diana's fane;</div> - <div class="i3">By the Fates from Orcus beckon'd,</div> - <div class="i4">Clouds envelop Drury Lane.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Lurid smoke and frank suspicion,</div> - <div class="i4">Hand in hand reluctant dance;</div> - <div class="i3">While the god fulfils his mission,</div> - <div class="i4">Chivalry, resign thy lance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_249" id="Page_249">[Pg 249]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Hark! the engines blandly thunder,</div> - <div class="i4">Fleecy clouds dishevell'd lie,</div> - <div class="i3">And the firemen, mute with wonder,</div> - <div class="i4">On the son of Saturn cry.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">See the bird of Ammon sailing,</div> - <div class="i4">Perches on the engine's peak,</div> - <div class="i3">And the Eagle firemen hailing,</div> - <div class="i4">Soothes them with its bickering beak.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Juno saw, and mad with malice,</div> - <div class="i4">Lost the prize that Paris gave.</div> - <div class="i3">Jealousy's ensanguin'd chalice,</div> - <div class="i4">Mantling pours the orient wave.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Pan beheld Patroclus dying,</div> - <div class="i4">Nox to Niobe was turn'd;</div> - <div class="i3">From Busiris Bacchus flying,</div> - <div class="i4">Saw his Semele inurn'd.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Thus fell Drury's lofty glory,</div> - <div class="i4">Levell'd with the shuddering stones,</div> - <div class="i3">Mars with tresses black and gory,</div> - <div class="i4">Drinks the dew of pearly groans.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Hark! what soft Eolian numbers,</div> - <div class="i4">Gem the blushes of the morn;</div> - <div class="i3">Break, Amphion, break your slumbers,</div> - <div class="i4">Nature's ringlets deck the thorn.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Ha! I hear the strain erratic,</div> - <div class="i4">Dimly glance from pole to pole,</div> - <div class="i3">Raptures sweet and dreams ecstatic</div> - <div class="i4">Fire my everlasting soul.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Where is Cupid's crimson motion?</div> - <div class="i4">Billowy ecstasy of woe,</div> - <div class="i3">Bear me straight, meandering ocean,</div> - <div class="i4">Where the stagnant torrents flow.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_250" id="Page_250">[Pg 250]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Blood in every vein is gushing,</div> - <div class="i4">Vixen vengeance lulls my heart,</div> - <div class="i3">See, the Gorgon gang is rushing!</div> - <div class="i4">Never, never let us part.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="A_TALE_OF_DRURY_LANE" id="A_TALE_OF_DRURY_LANE"></a>A TALE OF DRURY LANE.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By W. S.</span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>Thus he went on, stringing one extravagance upon another, in the style -his books of chivalry had taught him, and imitating as near as he could -their very phrase.—<span class="smcap">Don Quixote.</span></p></blockquote> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><em>To be spoken by</em> <span class="smcap">Mr. Kemble</span> <em>in a Suit of the Black Prince's -Armour, borrowed from the Tower</em>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Survey this shield all bossy bright;</div> - <div class="i0">These cuisses twain behold;</div> - <div class="i0">Look on my form in armour dight</div> - <div class="i0">Of steel inlaid with gold.</div> - <div class="i0">My knees are stiff in iron buckles,</div> - <div class="i0">Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles.</div> - <div class="i0">These once belong'd to sable prince,</div> - <div class="i0">Who never did in battle wince;</div> - <div class="i0">With valour tart as pungent quince,</div> - <div class="i1">He slew the vaunting Gaul:</div> - <div class="i0">Rest there awhile, my bearded lance,</div> - <div class="i0">While from green curtain I advance</div> - <div class="i0">To yon footlights, no trivial dance,</div> - <div class="i0">And tell the town what sad mischance</div> - <div class="i1">Did Drury Lane befall.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<h3>The Night.</h3> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">On fair Augusta's towers and trees</div> - <div class="i0">Flitted the silent midnight breeze,</div> - <div class="i0">Curling the foliage as it past,</div> - <div class="i0">Which from the moon-tipp'd plumage cast</div> - <div class="i0">A spangled light like dancing spray.</div> - <div class="i0">Then reassumed its still array:</div> - <div class="i0">Whenas night's lamp unclouded hung,</div> - <div class="i0">And down its full effulgence flung,</div> - <div class="i0">It shed such soft and balmy power,</div> - <div class="i0">That cot and castle, hall and bower,</div> - <div class="i0">And spire and dome, and turret height,</div> - <div class="i0">Appear'd to slumber in the light.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_251" id="Page_251">[Pg 251]</a></span> - <div class="i0">From Henry's chapel, Rufus' hall,</div> - <div class="i0">To Savoy, Temple, and St. Paul,</div> - <div class="i0">From Knightsbridge, Pancras, Camden Town,</div> - <div class="i0">To Redriff, Shadwell, Horsleydown,</div> - <div class="i0">No voice was heard, no eye unclosed,</div> - <div class="i0">But all in deepest sleep reposed.</div> - <div class="i0">They might have thought, who gazed around</div> - <div class="i0">Amid a silence so profound,</div> - <div class="i2">It made the senses thrill,</div> - <div class="i0">That 'twas no place inhabited,</div> - <div class="i0">But some vast city of the dead,</div> - <div class="i2">was so hush'd and still.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<h3>The Burning.</h3> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">As Chaos which, by heavenly doom,</div> - <div class="i0">Had slept in everlasting gloom,</div> - <div class="i0">Started with terror and surprise,</div> - <div class="i0">When light first flash'd upon her eyes;</div> - <div class="i0">So London's sons in night-cap woke,</div> - <div class="i2">In bed-gown woke her dames,</div> - <div class="i0">For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke,</div> - <div class="i0">And twice ten hundred voices spoke,</div> - <div class="i2">"The Playhouse is in flames."</div> - <div class="i0">And lo! where Catherine Street extends,</div> - <div class="i0">A fiery tale its lustre lends</div> - <div class="i2">To every window-pane;</div> - <div class="i0">Blushes each spout in Martlet Court,</div> - <div class="i0">And Barbican, moth-eaten fort,</div> - <div class="i0">And Govent Garden kennels sport,</div> - <div class="i2">A bright ensanguin'd drain;</div> - <div class="i0">Meux's new brewhouse shows the light,</div> - <div class="i0">Rowland Hill's chapel, and the height</div> - <div class="i2">Where patent shot they sell:</div> - <div class="i0">The Tennis Court, so fair and tall,</div> - <div class="i0">Partakes the ray, with Surgeons' Hall,</div> - <div class="i0">The ticket porter's house of call,</div> - <div class="i0">Old Bedlam, close by London Wall,</div> - <div class="i0">Wright's shrimp and oyster shop withal,</div> - <div class="i2">And Richardson's Hotel.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Nor these alone, but far and wide</div> - <div class="i0">Across the Thames's gleaming tide,</div> - <div class="i0">To distant fields the blaze was borne,</div> - <div class="i0">And daisy white and hoary thorn</div> - <div class="i0">In borrow'd lustre seem'd to sham</div> - <div class="i0">The rose or red sweet Wil-li-am.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_252" id="Page_252">[Pg 252]</a></span> - <div class="i1">To those who on the hills around</div> - <div class="i1">Beheld the flames from Drury's mound,</div> - <div class="i0">As from a lofty altar rise;</div> - <div class="i1">It seem'd that nations did conspire,</div> - <div class="i1">To offer to the god of fire</div> - <div class="i0">Some vast stupendous sacrifice!</div> - <div class="i0">The summon'd firemen woke at call,</div> - <div class="i0">And hied them to their stations all.</div> - <div class="i0">Starting from short and broken snooze,</div> - <div class="i0">Each sought his pond'rous hobnail'd shoes,</div> - <div class="i0">But first his worsted hosen plied,</div> - <div class="i0">Plush breeches next in crimson dyed,</div> - <div class="i2">His nether bulk embraced;</div> - <div class="i0">Then jacket thick of red or blue,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose massy shoulder gave to view</div> - <div class="i0">The badge of each respective crew,</div> - <div class="i2">In tin or copper traced.</div> - <div class="i0">The engines thunder'd thro' the street,</div> - <div class="i0">Fire-hook, pipe, bucket, all complete,</div> - <div class="i0">And torches glared, and clattering feet</div> - <div class="i2">Along the pavement paced.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And one, the leader of the band,</div> - <div class="i0">From Charing Cross along the Strand,</div> - <div class="i0">Like stag by beagles hunted hard,</div> - <div class="i0">Ran till he stopp'd at Vin'gar Yard.</div> - <div class="i0">The burning badge his shoulder bore,</div> - <div class="i0">The belt and oilskin hat he wore,</div> - <div class="i0">The cane he had his men to bang,</div> - <div class="i0">Show'd foreman of the British gang.</div> - <div class="i0">His name was Higginbottom; now</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis meet that I should tell you how</div> - <div class="i2a">The others came in view:</div> - <div class="i0">The Hand-in-Hand the race begun,</div> - <div class="i0">Then came the Phœnix and the Sun,</div> - <div class="i0">Th' Exchange, where old insurers run,</div> - <div class="i1">The Eagle, where the new;</div> - <div class="i0">With these came Rumford, Bumford, Cole,</div> - <div class="i0">Robins from Hockley-in-the-Hole,</div> - <div class="i0">Lawson and Dawson, cheek by jowl,</div> - <div class="i2">Crump from St. Giles's Pound:</div> - <div class="i0">Whitford and Mitford join'd the train,</div> - <div class="i0">Huggins and Muggins from Chick Lane,</div> - <div class="i0">And Clutterbuck, who got a sprain</div> - <div class="i2a">Before the plug was found.</div> - <div class="i0">Hobson and Jobson did not sleep,</div> - <div class="i0">But ah! no trophy could they reap,</div> - <div class="i0">For both were in the Donjon Keep</div> - <div class="i2">Of Bridewell's gloomy mound!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_253" id="Page_253">[Pg 253]</a></span> - <div class="i0">E'en Higginbottom now was posed,</div> - <div class="i0">For sadder scene was ne'er disclosed;</div> - <div class="i0">Without, within, in hideous show,</div> - <div class="i0">Devouring flames resistless glow,</div> - <div class="i0">And blazing rafters downward go,</div> - <div class="i0">And never halloo "heads below!"</div> - <div class="i2">Nor notice give at all:</div> - <div class="i0">The firemen, terrified, are slow</div> - <div class="i0">To bid the pumping torrent flow,</div> - <div class="i2">For fear the roof should fall.</div> - <div class="i0">Back, Robins, back! Crump, stand aloof!</div> - <div class="i0">Whitford, keep near the walls!</div> - <div class="i0">Huggins, regard your own behoof,</div> - <div class="i0">For lo! the blazing rocking roof</div> - <div class="i0">Down, down in thunder falls!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">An awful pause succeeds the stroke,</div> - <div class="i0">And o'er the ruins volumed smoke,</div> - <div class="i0">Rolling around its pitchy shroud,</div> - <div class="i0">Conceal'd them from th' astonish'd crowd.</div> - <div class="i0">At length the mist awhile was clear'd,</div> - <div class="i0">When lo! amid the wreck uprear'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Gradual a moving head appear'd,</div> - <div class="i2">And Eagle firemen knew:</div> - <div class="i0">'Twas Joseph Muggins, name revered,</div> - <div class="i2">The foreman of their crew.</div> - <div class="i0">Loud shouted all in signs of woe,</div> - <div class="i0">"A Muggins to the rescue, ho!"</div> - <div class="i2">And pour'd the hissing tide:</div> - <div class="i0">Meanwhile the Muggins fought amain,</div> - <div class="i0">And strove and struggled all in vain,</div> - <div class="i0">For rallying but to fall again.</div> - <div class="i2">He totter'd, sunk, and died!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Did none attempt, before he fell,</div> - <div class="i0">To succour one they loved so well?</div> - <div class="i0">Yes, Higginbottom did aspire</div> - <div class="i0">(His fireman's soul was all on fire)</div> - <div class="i2">His brother chief to save;</div> - <div class="i0">But ah! his reckless generous ire</div> - <div class="i2">Served but to share his grave!</div> - <div class="i0">'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams,</div> - <div class="i0">Thro' fire and smoke he dauntless broke,</div> - <div class="i2">Where Muggins broke before.</div> - <div class="i0">But sulphury stench and boiling drench,</div> - <div class="i0">Destroying sight, o'erwhelm'd him quite,</div> - <div class="i2">He sunk to rise no more.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_254" id="Page_254">[Pg 254]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Still o'er his head, while fate he braved,</div> - <div class="i0">His whizzing water-pipe he waved;</div> - <div class="i0">"Whitford and Mitford, ply your pumps,</div> - <div class="i0">You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps,</div> - <div class="i0">Why are you in such doleful dumps?</div> - <div class="i0">A fireman and afraid of bumps!</div> - <div class="i0">What are they fear'd on? fools! 'od rot 'em!"</div> - <div class="i0">Were the last words of Higginbottom.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<h3>The Revival.</h3> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Peace to his soul! new prospects bloom,</div> - <div class="i0">And toil rebuilds what fires consume!</div> - <div class="i0">Eat we and drink we, be our ditty,</div> - <div class="i0">"Joy to the managing committee."</div> - <div class="i0">Eat we and drink we, join to rum</div> - <div class="i0">Roast beef and pudding of the plum;</div> - <div class="i0">Forth from thy nook, John Horner, come,</div> - <div class="i0">With bread of ginger brown thy thumb,</div> - <div class="i1">For this is Drury's gay day:</div> - <div class="i0">Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops,</div> - <div class="i0">And buy, to glad thy smiling chops,</div> - <div class="i0">Crisp parliament with lollipops,</div> - <div class="i1">And fingers of the lady.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Didst mark, how toil'd the busy train</div> - <div class="i0">From morn to eve, till Drury Lane</div> - <div class="i0">Leap'd like a roebuck from the plain?</div> - <div class="i0">Ropes rose and sunk, and rose again,</div> - <div class="i1">And nimble workmen trod;</div> - <div class="i0">To realize bold Wyatt's plan</div> - <div class="i0">Rush'd many a howling Irishman,</div> - <div class="i0">Loud clatter'd many a porter can,</div> - <div class="i0">And many a ragamuffin clan,</div> - <div class="i1">With trowel and with hod.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Drury revives! her rounded pate</div> - <div class="i0">Is blue, is heavenly blue with slate;</div> - <div class="i0">She "wings the midway air" elate,</div> - <div class="i1">As magpie, crow, or chough;</div> - <div class="i0">White paint her modish visage smears,</div> - <div class="i0">Yellow and pointed are her ears,</div> - <div class="i0">No pendant portico appears</div> - <div class="i0">Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears</div> - <div class="i1">Have cut the bauble off.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Yes, she exalts her stately head,</div> - <div class="i0">And, but that solid bulk outspread,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_255" id="Page_255">[Pg 255]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Opposed you on your onward tread,</div> - <div class="i0">And posts and pillars warranted</div> - <div class="i0">That all was true that Wyatt said,</div> - <div class="i0">You might have deem'd her walls so thick,</div> - <div class="i0">Were not composed of stone or brick,</div> - <div class="i0">But all a phantom, all a trick,</div> - <div class="i0">Of brain disturb'd and fancy-sick,</div> - <div class="i0">So high she soars, so vast, so quick.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="JOHNSONS_GHOST" id="JOHNSONS_GHOST"></a>JOHNSON'S GHOST.</h2> - -<blockquote><p><em>Ghost of</em> <span class="smcap">Dr. Johnson</span> <em>rises from trap-door P.S. and Ghost of</em> -<span class="smcap">Boswell</span>, <em>from trap-door O.P. The latter bows respectfully -to the House, and obsequiously to the Doctor's Ghost, -and retires</em>.</p></blockquote> - - -<p class="p1b"><em>Doctor's Ghost loquitur.</em></p> - -<p>That which was organized by the moral ability of one, has -been executed by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane -Theatre is now complete. Of that part behind the curtain, -which has not yet been destined to glow beneath the brush of -the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of the carpenter, little is -thought by the public, and little need be said by the committee. -Truth, however, is not to be sacrificed for the accommodation of -either, and he who should pronounce that our edifice has -received its final embellishment, would be disseminating falsehood -without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection -without participating the advantage of success.</p> - -<p>Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are -alike inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the -practice of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that -because we are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance -is any indication of despondency, or humility of demerit. He -that is the most assured of success will make the fewest appeals -to favour, and where nothing is claimed that is undue, nothing -that is due will be withheld. A swelling opening is too often -succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient mountains -have ere now produced muscipular abortions, and the auditor -who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity, is reminded -of the pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly -perambulate her streets, exclaiming, "In the name of the -Prophet—figs!"</p> - -<p>Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are -thought wise by others, the exertions are directed to the revival -of mouldering and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that -which is now rare only because it was always worthless, and<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_256" id="Page_256">[Pg 256]</a></span> -whose deterioration, while it condemned it to living obscurity, by -a strange obliquity of moral perception constitutes its title to -posthumous renown. To embody the flying colours of folly, to -arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the globular consistency -as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald denizen of -the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display -the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinizing -of Punch; these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, -limited to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous -for the application of satire, and too humble for the incitement -of jealousy.</p> - -<p>Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, -from the cooling nectarine and luscious peach, to the puny pippin -and the noxious nut. There indolence may repose, and inebriety -revel; and the spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, -may there chatter with impunity, debarred by a barrier of brick -and mortar from marring that scenic interest in others, which -nature and education have disqualified him from comprehending -himself.</p> - -<p>Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent -cannot be removed, for if removed it soon ceases to be -permanent. What stationary absurdity can vie with that ligneous -barricado, which, decorated with frappant and tintinabulant -appendages, now serves, as the entrance of the lowly cottage, and -now as the exit of a lady's bed-chamber; at one time insinuating -plastic Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and at another, yawning -as the flood-gate to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles's into -the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to -give to each respective mansion the door which the carpenter -would doubtless have given, we vary our portal with the varying -scene, passing from deal to mahogany, and from mahogany to -oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, palace, or castle may -appear to require.</p> - -<p>Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, -it is fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of -despondence that assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere -expressed it, "who live to please," should not have their -own pleasures entirely overlooked. The children of Thespis are -general in their censures of the architect in having placed the -locality of exit at such a distance from the oily irradiators which -now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you. I am, cries the -Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the -king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders -he means to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff "ere his purpose -cool," so vast is the interval he has to travel before he can escape -from the stage, that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your -condition, cries the Muse of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet's -down in comparison with mine. The peerless peer of capers<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_257" id="Page_257">[Pg 257]</a></span> -and congees has laid it down as a rule, that the best good thing -uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly to the -doorway, last impressions vieing in durability with first. But -when on this boarded elongation it falls to my lot to say a good -thing, to ejaculate "keep moving," or to chaunt "hic hoc horum -genetivo," many are the moments that must elapse ere I can -hide myself from public vision in the recesses of O.P. or P.S.</p> - -<p>To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously -maintained, it is time that equity should conclusively reply. -Deviation from scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for -the consequences it generates. Let the actor consider the line -of exit as that line beyond which he should not soar in quest of -spurious applause: let him reflect that in proportion as he advances -to the lamps, he recedes from nature; that the truncheon -of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from encountering the -cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura of Mandane -may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles -it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern -critical Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky, has, <em>ex -cathedrâ</em>, asserted that a natural actor looks upon the audience -part of the theatre as the third side of the chamber he inhabits. -Surely of the third wall thus fancifully erected, our actors should -by ridicule or reason be withheld from knocking their heads -against the stucco.</p> - -<p>Time forcibly reminds me that all things which have a limit -must be brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion -arrives, recall to your recollection that the pillars which rise on -either side of me, blooming in varied antiquity, like two massy -evergreens, had yet slumbered in their native quarry, but for the -ardent exertions of the individual who called them into life: to -his never-slumbering talents you are indebted for whatever -pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated to afford. If, in -defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the temple of -Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may -confidently predict, that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo -will stand recorded to distant posterity in that of—<span class="smcap">Samuel -Whitbread</span>.</p> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_258" id="Page_258">[Pg 258]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THE_BEAUTIFUL_INCENDIARY" id="THE_BEAUTIFUL_INCENDIARY"></a>THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By the Hon. W. S.</span></p> - -<p class="center">Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvas.—<span class="smcap">Virgil</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><em>Scene draws, and discovers a Lady asleep on a couch. -Enter</em> <span class="smcap">Philander</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a"><span class="smcap">Philander</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Sobriety, cease to be sober,</div> - <div class="i4">Cease, Labour, to dig and to delve,</div> - <div class="i3">And hail to this tenth of October,</div> - <div class="i4">One thousand eight hundred and twelve.</div> - <div class="i3">Hah! whom do my peepers remark?</div> - <div class="i4">'Tis Hebe with Jupiter's jug;</div> - <div class="i3">Oh no, 'tis the pride of the Park,</div> - <div class="i4">Fair Lady Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Why, beautiful nymph, do you close</div> - <div class="i4">The curtain that fringes your eye?</div> - <div class="i3">Why veil in the clouds of repose</div> - <div class="i4">The sun that should brighten our sky?</div> - <div class="i3">Perhaps jealous Venus has oil'd</div> - <div class="i4">Thy hair with some opiate drug,</div> - <div class="i3">Not choosing her charms should be foil'd</div> - <div class="i4">By Lady Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">But ah! why awaken the blaze</div> - <div class="i4">The bright burning-glasses contain,</div> - <div class="i3">Whose lens with concentrated rays</div> - <div class="i4">Proved fatal to old Drury Lane.</div> - <div class="i3">'Twas all accidental they cry,—</div> - <div class="i4">Away with the flimsy humbug!</div> - <div class="i3">'Twas tired by a flash from the eye</div> - <div class="i4">Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Thy glance can in us raise a flame,</div> - <div class="i4">Then why should old Drury be free?</div> - <div class="i3">Our doom and its doom are the same,</div> - <div class="i4">Both subject to beauty's decree.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_259" id="Page_259">[Pg 259]</a></span> - <div class="i3">No candles the workmen consum'd,</div> - <div class="i4">When deep in the ruins they dug,</div> - <div class="i3">Thy flash still their progress illum'd,</div> - <div class="i4">Sweet Lady Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Thy face a rich fireplace displays;</div> - <div class="i4">The mantel-piece marble—thy brows;</div> - <div class="i3">Thine eyes are the bright beaming blaze,</div> - <div class="i4">Thy bib which no trespass allows,</div> - <div class="i3">The fender's tall barrier marks;</div> - <div class="i4">Thy tippet's the fire-quelling rug,</div> - <div class="i3">Which serves to extinguish the sparks</div> - <div class="i4">Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">The Countess a lily appears,</div> - <div class="i4">Whose tresses the dewdrops emboss;</div> - <div class="i3">The Marchioness blooming in years,</div> - <div class="i4">A rosebud envelop'd in moss;</div> - <div class="i3">But thou art the sweet passion-flower,</div> - <div class="i4">For who would not slavery hug,</div> - <div class="i3">To pass but one exquisite hour</div> - <div class="i4">In the arms of Elizabeth Mugg?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">When at Court, or some dowager's rout,</div> - <div class="i4">Her diamond aigrette meets our view,</div> - <div class="i3">She looks like a glow-worm dress'd out,</div> - <div class="i4">Or tulips bespangled with dew.</div> - <div class="i3">Her two lips denied to man's suit,</div> - <div class="i4">Are shared with her favourite Pug;</div> - <div class="i3">What lord would not change with the brute,</div> - <div class="i4">To live with Elizabeth Mugg?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Could the stage be a large <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">vis-à-vis</i>,</div> - <div class="i4">Reserv'd for the polish'd and great,</div> - <div class="i3">Where each happy lover might see</div> - <div class="i4">The nymph he adores <i xml:lang="fr" lang="fr">tête-à-tête</i>;</div> - <div class="i3">No longer I'd gaze on the ground,</div> - <div class="i4">And the load of despondency lug,</div> - <div class="i3">For I'd book myself all the year round,</div> - <div class="i4">To ride with the sweet Lady Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_260" id="Page_260">[Pg 260]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Yes, she in herself is a host,</div> - <div class="i4">And if she were here all alone,</div> - <div class="i3">Our house might nocturnally boast</div> - <div class="i4">A bumper of fashion and ton.</div> - <div class="i3">Again should it burst in a blaze,</div> - <div class="i4">In vain would they ply Congreve's plug,</div> - <div class="i3">For nought could extinguish the rays</div> - <div class="i4">From the glance of divine Lady Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">O could I as Harlequin frisk,</div> - <div class="i4">And thou be my Columbine fair,</div> - <div class="i3">My wand should with one magic whisk</div> - <div class="i4">Transport us to Hanover Square;</div> - <div class="i3">St. George should lend us his shrine,</div> - <div class="i4">The parson his shoulders might shrug,</div> - <div class="i3">But a licence should force him to join</div> - <div class="i4">My hand in the hand of my Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Court-plaister the weapons should tip,</div> - <div class="i4">By Cupid shot down from above,</div> - <div class="i3">Which cut into spots for thy lip,</div> - <div class="i4">Should still barb the arrows of love.</div> - <div class="i3">The god who from others flies quick,</div> - <div class="i4">With us should be slow as a slug,</div> - <div class="i3">As close as a leech he should stick</div> - <div class="i4">To me and Elizabeth Mugg.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">For Time would, like us, 'stead of sand,</div> - <div class="i4">Put filings of steel in his glass,</div> - <div class="i3">To dry up the blots of his hand,</div> - <div class="i4">And spangle life's page as they pass.</div> - <div class="i3">Since all flesh is grass ere 'tis hay,</div> - <div class="i4">O may I in clover live snug,</div> - <div class="i3">And when old Time mows me away,</div> - <div class="i4">Be stack'd with defunct Lady Mugg.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_261" id="Page_261">[Pg 261]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="FIRE_AND_ALE" id="FIRE_AND_ALE"></a>FIRE AND ALE.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By M. G. L.</span></p> - -<p class="center">Omnia transformat sese in miracula rerum.—<span class="smcap">Virgil</span>.</p> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My palate is parch'd with Pierian thirst,</div> - <div class="i2">Away to Parnassus I'm beckon'd;</div> - <div class="i0">List, warriors and dames, while my lay is rehears'd,</div> - <div class="i0">I sing of the singe of Miss Drury the first,</div> - <div class="i2">And the birth of Miss Drury the second.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The Fire King one day rather amorous felt;</div> - <div class="i2">He mounted his hot copper filly;</div> - <div class="i0">His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt</div> - <div class="i0">Was made of cast iron, for fear it should melt</div> - <div class="i2">With the heat of the copper colt's belly.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Sure never was skin half so scalding as his!</div> - <div class="i2">When an infant, 'twas equally horrid,</div> - <div class="i0">For the water when he was baptized gave a fizz,</div> - <div class="i0">And bubbled and simmer'd and started off, whizz!</div> - <div class="i2">As soon as it sprinkled his forehead.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye,</div> - <div class="i2">For two living coals were the symbols;</div> - <div class="i0">His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry,</div> - <div class="i0">It rattled against them as though you should try</div> - <div class="i2">To play the piano in thimbles.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">From his nostrils a lava sulphureous flows,</div> - <div class="i2">Which scorches wherever it lingers,</div> - <div class="i0">A snivelling fellow he's call'd by his foes,</div> - <div class="i0">For he can't raise his paw up to blow his red nose,</div> - <div class="i2">For fear it should blister his fingers.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His wig is of flames curling over his head,</div> - <div class="i2">Well powder'd with white smoking ashes;</div> - <div class="i0">He drinks gunpowder tea, melted sugar of lead,</div> - <div class="i0">Cream of tartar, and dines on hot spice gingerbread,</div> - <div class="i2">Which black from the oven he gnashes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Each fire nymph his kiss from her countenance shields,</div> - <div class="i2">'Twould soon set her cheekbone a-frying</div> - <div class="i0">He spit in the tenter-ground near Spitalfields,</div> - <div class="i0">And the hole that it burnt and the chalk that it yields</div> - <div class="i2">Make a capital limekiln for drying.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_262" id="Page_262">[Pg 262]</a></span> - <div class="i0">When he open'd his mouth out there issued a blast,</div> - <div class="i2">(<em>Nota bene</em>, I do not mean swearing,)</div> - <div class="i0">But the noise that it made and the heat that it cast,</div> - <div class="i0">I've heard it from those who have seen it, surpass'd</div> - <div class="i2">A shot manufactory flaring.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He blaz'd and he blaz'd as he gallop'd to snatch</div> - <div class="i2">His bride, little dreaming of danger;</div> - <div class="i0">His whip was a torch, and his spur was a match,</div> - <div class="i0">And over the horse's left eye was a patch,</div> - <div class="i2">To keep it from burning the manger.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And who is the housemaid he means to enthral</div> - <div class="i2">In his cinder-producing alliance?</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis Drury Lane Playhouse, so wide, and so tall,</div> - <div class="i0">Who, like other combustible ladies, must fall,</div> - <div class="i2">If she cannot set sparks at defiance.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">On his warming-pan knee-pan he clattering roll'd,</div> - <div class="i2">And the housemaid his hand would have taken,</div> - <div class="i0">But his hand, like his passion, was too hot to hold,</div> - <div class="i0">And she soon let it go, but her new ring of gold</div> - <div class="i2">All melted, like butter or bacon!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! then she look'd sour, and indeed well she might,</div> - <div class="i2">For Vinegar Yard was before her,</div> - <div class="i0">But, spite of her shrieks, the ignipotent knight,</div> - <div class="i0">Enrobing the maid in a flame of gas-light,</div> - <div class="i2">To the skies in a sky-rocket bore her.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Look! look! 'tis the Ale King, so stately and starch,</div> - <div class="i2">Whose votaries scorn to be sober;</div> - <div class="i0">He pops from his vat, like a cedar or larch:</div> - <div class="i0">Brown stout is his doublet, he hops in his march,</div> - <div class="i2">And froths at the mouth in October.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">His spear is a spigot, his shield is a bung;</div> - <div class="i2">He taps where the housemaid no more is,</div> - <div class="i0">When lo! at his magical bidding, upsprung</div> - <div class="i0">A second Miss Drury, tall, tidy, and young,</div> - <div class="i2">And sported <i xml:lang="la" lang="la">in loco sororis</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Back, lurid in air, for a second regale,</div> - <div class="i2">The Cinder King, hot with desire,</div> - <div class="i0">To Brydges Street hied; but the Monarch of Ale,</div> - <div class="i0">With uplifted spigot and faucet, and pail,</div> - <div class="i2">Thus chided the Monarch of Fire:</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_263" id="Page_263">[Pg 263]</a></span> - <div class="i0">"Vile tyrant, beware of the ferment I brew,</div> - <div class="i2">I rule the roast here, dash the wig o' me!</div> - <div class="i0">If, spite of your marriage with Old Drury, you</div> - <div class="i0">Come here with your tinderbox, courting the New,</div> - <div class="i2">I'll have you indicted for bigamy!"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="PLAYHOUSE_MUSINGS" id="PLAYHOUSE_MUSINGS"></a>PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By</span> S. T. C.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2"><span class="smallish">Ille velut fidis aroana sodalibus olim</span></div> - <div class="i2"><span class="smallish">Credebat libris; neque si male cesserat, usquam</span></div> - <div class="i2"><span class="smallish">Decurrens alio, neque si bene.—<span class="smcap">Horat</span>.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My pensive public, wherefore look you sad?</div> - <div class="i0">I had a grandmother, she kept a donkey</div> - <div class="i0">To carry to the mart her crockery ware,</div> - <div class="i0">And when that donkey look'd me in the face,</div> - <div class="i0">His face was sad! and you are sad, my public!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October</div> - <div class="i0">Again assembles us in Drury Lane.</div> - <div class="i0">Long wept my eye to see the timber planks</div> - <div class="i0">That hid our ruins; many a day I cried,</div> - <div class="i0">"Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!"</div> - <div class="i0">Till on one eve, one joyful Monday eve,</div> - <div class="i0">As along Charles Street I prepared to walk,</div> - <div class="i0">Just at the corner, by the pastry-cook's,</div> - <div class="i0">I heard a trowel tick against a brick.</div> - <div class="i0">I look'd me up, and straight a parapet</div> - <div class="i0">Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks.</div> - <div class="i0">"Joy to thee, Drury!" to myself I said:</div> - <div class="i0">"He of Blackfriars Road who hymn'd thy downfall</div> - <div class="i0">In loud hosannahs, and who prophesied</div> - <div class="i0">That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma,</div> - <div class="i0">Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee,</div> - <div class="i0">Has proved a lying prophet." From that hour,</div> - <div class="i0">As leisure offer'd, close to Mr. Spring's</div> - <div class="i0">Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders.</div> - <div class="i0">They had a plan to render less their labours;</div> - <div class="i0">Workmen in elder times would mount a ladder</div> - <div class="i0">With hodded heads, but these stretch'd forth a pole</div> - <div class="i0">From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley</div> - <div class="i0">Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley;</div> - <div class="i0">To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks</div> - <div class="i0">Thus freighted, swung securely to the top,</div> - <div class="i0">And in the empty basket workmen twain</div> - <div class="i0">Precipitate, unhurt, accosted earth.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_264" id="Page_264">[Pg 264]</a></span> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Oh! 'twas a goodly sound to hear the people</div> - <div class="i0">Who watch'd the work, express their various thoughts!</div> - <div class="i0">While some believ'd it never would be finish'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Some on the contrary believ'd it would.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane</div> - <div class="i0">Much criticis'd; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work,</div> - <div class="i0">A mimic manufactory of floor-cloth.</div> - <div class="i0">One of the morning papers wish'd that front</div> - <div class="i0">Cemented like the front in Brydges Street;</div> - <div class="i0">As it now looks they call it Wyatt's Mermaid,</div> - <div class="i0">A handsome woman with a fish's tail.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet Street,</div> - <div class="i0">The Albion (as its name denotes) is white;</div> - <div class="i0">Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables</div> - <div class="i0">Gleams like a snowball in the setting sun;</div> - <div class="i0">White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet Street,</div> - <div class="i0">The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor white Whitehall is white as Drury's face.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Oh, Mr. Whitbread! fie upon you, sir!</div> - <div class="i0">I think you should have built a colonnade;</div> - <div class="i0">When tender Beauty, looking for her coach,</div> - <div class="i0">Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower,</div> - <div class="i0">And draws the tippet closer round her throat.</div> - <div class="i0">Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off,</div> - <div class="i0">And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud</div> - <div class="i0">Soaks thro' her pale kid slipper. On the morrow</div> - <div class="i0">She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa</div> - <div class="i0">Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!"</div> - <div class="i0">To build no portico is penny wise:</div> - <div class="i0">Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Hail to thee, Drury! Queen of Theatres!</div> - <div class="i0">What is the Regency in Tottenham Street,</div> - <div class="i0">The Royal Amphitheatre of Arts,</div> - <div class="i0">Astley's Olympic, or the Sans Pareil,</div> - <div class="i0">Compar'd with thee? Yet when I view thee push'd</div> - <div class="i0">Back from the narrow street that christen'd thee,</div> - <div class="i0">I know not why they call thee Drury Lane.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions,</div> - <div class="i0">It grieves me much to see live animals</div> - <div class="i0">Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit,</div> - <div class="i0">Laurent his cat, and Bradbury his pig;</div> - <div class="i0">Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist</div> - <div class="i0">Of former Drury, imitated life</div> - <div class="i0">Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_265" id="Page_265">[Pg 265]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Stuff'd by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis,</div> - <div class="i0">As spruce as he who roar'd in Padmanaba.</div> - <div class="i0">Nought born on earth should die. On hackney stands</div> - <div class="i0">I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee,"</div> - <div class="i0">And spares the lash. When I behold a spider</div> - <div class="i0">Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm,</div> - <div class="i0">Or view a butcher with horn-handle knife</div> - <div class="i0">Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton,</div> - <div class="i0">Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very sick! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exit hastily.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="DRURY_LANE_HUSTINGS" id="DRURY_LANE_HUSTINGS"></a>DRURY LANE HUSTINGS.<br /> - -<span class="small70">A NEW HALFPENNY BALLAD.</span></h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By a Pic-nic Poet</span>.</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>This is the very age of promise. To promise is most courtly and fashionable. -Performance is a kind of will or testament, which argues a great -sickness in his judgment that makes it.—<span class="smcap">Timon of Athens</span>.</p></blockquote> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecenter"><i>To be sung by</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Johnstone</span> <i>in the character of</i> -<span class="smcap">Looney M'Twolter</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Mr. Jack, your address," says the prompter to me,</div> - <div class="i0">So I gave him my card—"No, that a'nt it," says he,</div> - <div class="i0">"'Tis your public address." "Oh!" says I, "never fear,</div> - <div class="i0">If address you are bother'd for, only look here." <span class="stageright">[<i>Puts on hat affectedly.</i></span></div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol lol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">With Drurys for sartain we'll never have done,</div> - <div class="i0">We've built up another, and yet there's but one;</div> - <div class="i0">The old one was best, yet I'd say, if I durst,</div> - <div class="i0">The new one is better—the last is the first.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">These pillars are called by a Frenchified word,</div> - <div class="i0">A something that's jumbled of antique and verd,</div> - <div class="i0">The boxes may show us some verdant antiques,</div> - <div class="i0">Some bold harridans who beplaster their cheeks.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_266" id="Page_266">[Pg 266]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Only look how high Tragedy, Comedy, stick,</div> - <div class="i0">Lest their rivals, the horses, should give them a kick!</div> - <div class="i0">If you will not descend when our authors beseech ye,</div> - <div class="i0">You'll stop there for life, for I'm sure they can't reach ye.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Each one shilling god within reach of a nod is,</div> - <div class="i0">And plain are the charms of each gallery goddess,</div> - <div class="i0">You, brandy-faced Moll, don't be looking askew,</div> - <div class="i0">When I talked of a goddess I didn't mean you.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Our stage is so prettily fashion'd for viewing,</div> - <div class="i0">The whole house can see what the whole house is doing.</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis just like the hustings, we kick up a bother,</div> - <div class="i0">But saying is one thing and doing's another.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">We've many new houses, and some of them rum ones,</div> - <div class="i0">But the newest of all is the new House of Commons,</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis a rickety sort of a bantling I'm told,</div> - <div class="i0">It will die of old age when it's seven years old.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">As I don't know on whom the election will fall,</div> - <div class="i0">I move in return for returning them all;</div> - <div class="i0">But for fear Mr. Speaker my meaning should miss,</div> - <div class="i0">The house that I wish 'em to sit in is this.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Let us cheer our great Commoner, but for whose aid</div> - <div class="i0">We all should have gone with short commons to bed,</div> - <div class="i0">And since he has saved all the fat from the fire,</div> - <div class="i0">I move that the House be call'd Whitbread's Entire.</div> - <div class="i15">Tol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_267" id="Page_267">[Pg 267]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="ARCHITECTURAL_ATOMS" id="ARCHITECTURAL_ATOMS"></a>ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS.<br /> - -<span class="small70"><span class="smcap">Translated by Dr.</span> B.</span></h2> - -<p class="p1a">Lege, Dick, Lege!—<span class="smcap">Joseph Andrews</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>To be recited by the Translator's Son.</i></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Away, fond dupes! who smit with sacred lore,</div> - <div class="i0">Mosaic dreams in Genesis explore,</div> - <div class="i0">Dote with Copernicus, or darkling stray</div> - <div class="i0">With Newton, Ptolemy, or Tycho Brahe:</div> - <div class="i0">To you I sing not, for I sing of truth,</div> - <div class="i0">Primæval systems, and creation's youth;</div> - <div class="i0">Such as of old, with magic wisdom fraught,</div> - <div class="i0">Inspired Lucretius to the Latians taught.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">I sing how casual bricks, in airy climb,</div> - <div class="i0">Encounter'd casual horse-hair, casual lime;</div> - <div class="i0">How rafters borne through wondering clouds elate,</div> - <div class="i0">Kiss'd in their slope blue elemental slate,</div> - <div class="i0">Clasp'd solid beams in chance-directed fury,</div> - <div class="i0">And gave to birth our renovated Drury.</div> - <div class="i1">Thee, son of Jove, whose sceptre was confessed,</div> - <div class="i0">Where fair Œolia springs from Tethys' breast:</div> - <div class="i0">Thence on Olympus 'mid Celestials placed,</div> - <div class="i0">God of the winds, and Ether's boundless waste,</div> - <div class="i0">Thee I invoke! Oh, <em>puff</em> my bold design,</div> - <div class="i0">Prompt the bright thought, and swell the harmonious line;</div> - <div class="i0">Uphold my pinions, and my verse inspire</div> - <div class="i0">With Winsor's patent gas, or wind of fire,</div> - <div class="i0">In whose pure blaze thy embryo form enroll'd,</div> - <div class="i0">The dark enlightens, and enchafes the cold.</div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">But while I court thy gifts, be mine to shun</div> - <div class="i0">The deprecated prize Ulysses won;</div> - <div class="i0">Who sailing homeward from thy breezy shore,</div> - <div class="i0">The prison'd winds in skins of parchment bore:—</div> - <div class="i0">Speeds the fleet bark, till o'er the billowy green</div> - <div class="i0">The azure heights of Ithaca are seen;</div> - <div class="i0">But while with favouring gales her way she wins,</div> - <div class="i0">His curious comrades ope the mystic skins:</div> - <div class="i0">When lo! the rescued winds, with boisterous sweep,</div> - <div class="i0">Roar to the clouds, and lash the rocking deep;</div> - <div class="i0">Heaves the smote vessel in the howling blast,</div> - <div class="i0">Splits the stretch'd sail, and cracks the tottering mast.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_268" id="Page_268">[Pg 268]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Launch'd on a plank, the buoyant hero rides</div> - <div class="i0">Where ebon Afric stems the sable tides,</div> - <div class="i0">While his duck'd comrades o'er the ocean fly,</div> - <div class="i0">And sleep not in the whole skins they untie.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">So when to raise the wind some lawyer tries,</div> - <div class="i0">Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes.</div> - <div class="i0">On speed the smiling suit, "Pleas of our Lord</div> - <div class="i0">The King" shine jetty on the wide record:</div> - <div class="i0">Nods the prunella'd bar, attornies smile,</div> - <div class="i0">And siren jurors flatter to beguile;</div> - <div class="i0">Till stript—nonsuited—he is doom'd to toss</div> - <div class="i0">In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss;</div> - <div class="i0">Lucky, if, like Ulysses, he can keep</div> - <div class="i0">His head above the waters of the deep.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Æolian monarch! Emperor of Puffs!</div> - <div class="i0">We modern sailors dread not thy rebuffs;</div> - <div class="i0">See to thy golden shore promiscuous come</div> - <div class="i0">Quacks for the lame, the blind, the deaf, the dumb;</div> - <div class="i0">Fools are their bankers—a prolific line,</div> - <div class="i0">And every mortal malady's a mine.</div> - <div class="i0">Each sly Sangrado, with his poisonous pill,</div> - <div class="i0">Flies to the printer's devil with his bill,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose Midas touch can gild his asses' ears,</div> - <div class="i0">And load a knave with folly's rich arrears.</div> - <div class="i0">And lo! a second miracle is thine,</div> - <div class="i0">For sloe-juiced water stands transform'd to wine.</div> - <div class="i0">Where Day and Martin's patent blacking roll'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Burst from the vase Pactolian streams of gold;</div> - <div class="i0">Laugh the sly wizards glorying in their stealth,</div> - <div class="i0">Quit the black art, and loll in lazy wealth.</div> - <div class="i0">See Britain's Algerines, the Lottery fry,</div> - <div class="i0">Win annual tribute by the annual lie.</div> - <div class="i0">Aided by thee—but whither do I stray?</div> - <div class="i0">Court, city, borough, own thy sovereign sway:</div> - <div class="i0">An age of puffs the age of gold succeeds,</div> - <div class="i0">And windy bubbles are the spawn it breeds.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">If such thy power, O hear the Muse's prayer!</div> - <div class="i0">Swell thy loud lungs, and wave thy wings of air;</div> - <div class="i0">Spread, viewless giant, all thy arms of mist</div> - <div class="i0">Like windmill sails to bring the poet grist;</div> - <div class="i0">As erst thy roaring son with eddying gale</div> - <div class="i0">Whirl'd Orithyia from her native vale—</div> - <div class="i0">So, while Lucretian wonders I rehearse,</div> - <div class="i0">Augusta's sons shall patronize my verse.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_269" id="Page_269">[Pg 269]</a></span> - <div class="i1">I sing of Atoms, whose creative brain,</div> - <div class="i0">With eddying impulse, built new Drury Lane;</div> - <div class="i0">Not to the labours of subservient man,</div> - <div class="i0">To no young Wyatt appertains the plan;</div> - <div class="i0">We mortals stalk, like horses in a mill,</div> - <div class="i0">Impassive media of Atomic will;</div> - <div class="i0">Ye stare! then truth's broad talisman discern—</div> - <div class="i0">'Tis Demonstration speaks.—Attend and learn!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">From floating elements in chaos hurl'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Self-form'd of atoms, sprang the infant world.</div> - <div class="i0">No great First Cause inspired the happy plot,</div> - <div class="i0">But all was matter, and no matter what.</div> - <div class="i0">Atoms, attracted by some law occult,</div> - <div class="i0">Settling in spheres, the globe was the result;</div> - <div class="i0">Pure child of Chance, which still directs the ball,</div> - <div class="i0">As rotatory atoms rise or fall.</div> - <div class="i0">In ether launch'd, the peopled bubble floats,</div> - <div class="i0">A mass of particles and confluent motes,</div> - <div class="i0">So nicely pois'd, that if one atom flings</div> - <div class="i0">Its weight away, aloft the planet springs,</div> - <div class="i0">And wings its course thro' realms of boundless space,</div> - <div class="i0">Outstripping comets in eccentric race.</div> - <div class="i0">Add but one atom more, it sinks outright</div> - <div class="i0">Down to the realms of Tartarus and night.</div> - <div class="i0">What waters melt or scorching fires consume,</div> - <div class="i0">In different forms their being reassume;</div> - <div class="i0">Hence can no change arise, except in name,</div> - <div class="i0">For weight and substance ever are the same.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Thus with the flames that from old Drury rise,</div> - <div class="i0">Its elements primæval sought the skies,</div> - <div class="i0">There, pendulous to wait the happy hour,</div> - <div class="i0">When new attractions should restore their power.</div> - <div class="i0">So in this procreant theatre elate,</div> - <div class="i0">Echoes unborn their future life await;</div> - <div class="i0">Here embryo sounds in ether lie conceal'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Like words in northern atmosphere congeal'd.</div> - <div class="i0">Here many a fœtus laugh and half encore</div> - <div class="i0">Clings to the roof, or creeps along the floor.</div> - <div class="i0">By puffs concipient some in ether flit,</div> - <div class="i0">And soar in bravos from the thundering pit;</div> - <div class="i0">Some forth on ticket nights from tradesmen break,</div> - <div class="i0">To mar the actor they design to make;</div> - <div class="i0">While some this mortal life abortive miss,</div> - <div class="i0">Crush'd by a groan, or strangled by a hiss.</div> - <div class="i0">So, when "dog's-meat" re-echoes through the streets,</div> - <div class="i0">Rush sympathetic dogs from their retreats,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_270" id="Page_270">[Pg 270]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Beam with bright blaze their supplicating eyes,</div> - <div class="i0">Sink their hind-legs, ascend their joyful cries;</div> - <div class="i0">Each, wild with hope, and maddening to prevail,</div> - <div class="i0">Points the pleased ear, and wags the expectant tail.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Ye fallen bricks! in Drury's fire calcined,</div> - <div class="i0">Since doom'd to slumber, couch'd upon the wind,</div> - <div class="i0">Sweet was the hour, when tempted by your freaks,</div> - <div class="i0">Congenial trowels smooth'd your yellow cheeks.</div> - <div class="i0">Float dulcet serenades upon the ear,</div> - <div class="i0">Bends every atom from its ruddy sphere,</div> - <div class="i0">Twinkles each eye, and, peeping from its veil,</div> - <div class="i0">Marks in the adverse crowd its destined male.</div> - <div class="i0">The oblong beauties clap their hands of grit,</div> - <div class="i0">And brick-dust titterings on the breezes flit;</div> - <div class="i0">Then down they rush in amatory race,</div> - <div class="i0">Their dusty bridegrooms eager to embrace.</div> - <div class="i0">Some choose old lovers, some decide for new,</div> - <div class="i0">But each, when fix'd, is to her station true.</div> - <div class="i0">Thus various bricks are made as tastes invite,</div> - <div class="i0">The red, the grey, the dingy, or the white.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Perhaps some half-baked rover, frank and free,</div> - <div class="i0">To alien beauty bends the lawless knee,</div> - <div class="i0">But of unhallow'd fascinations sick,</div> - <div class="i0">Soon quits his Cyprian for his married brick;</div> - <div class="i0">The Dido atom calls and scolds in vain,</div> - <div class="i0">No crisp Æneas soothes the widow's pain.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">So in Cheapside, what time Aurora peeps,</div> - <div class="i0">A mingled noise of dustmen, milk, and sweeps,</div> - <div class="i0">Falls on the housemaid's ear; amaz'd she stands,</div> - <div class="i0">Then opes the door with cinder-sabled hands,</div> - <div class="i0">And "matches" calls. The dustman, bubbled flat,</div> - <div class="i0">Thinks 'tis for him, and doffs his fan-tail'd hat;</div> - <div class="i0">The milkman, whom her second cries assail,</div> - <div class="i0">With sudden sink, unyokes the clinking pail;</div> - <div class="i0">Now louder grown, by turns she screams and weeps;</div> - <div class="i0">Alas! her screaming only brings the sweeps.</div> - <div class="i0">Sweeps but put out—she wants to raise a flame,</div> - <div class="i0">And calls for matches, but 'tis still the same.</div> - <div class="i0">Atoms and housemaids! mark the moral true,</div> - <div class="i0">If once ye go astray, no <em>match</em> for you!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">As atoms in one mass united mix,</div> - <div class="i0">So bricks attraction feel for kindred bricks;</div> - <div class="i0">Some in the cellar view, perchance, on high,</div> - <div class="i0">Fair chimney chums on beds of mortar lie;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_271" id="Page_271">[Pg 271]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Enamour'd of the sympathetic clod,</div> - <div class="i0">Leaps the red bridegroom to the labourer's hod,</div> - <div class="i0">And up the ladder bears the workman, taught</div> - <div class="i0">To think he bears the bricks—mistaken thought!</div> - <div class="i0">A proof behold—if near the top they find</div> - <div class="i0">The nymphs or broken corner'd, or unkind,</div> - <div class="i0">Back to the bottom leaping with a bound,</div> - <div class="i0">They bear their bleeding carriers to the ground.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">So legends tell, along the lofty hill</div> - <div class="i0">Paced the twin heroes, gallant Jack and Jill;</div> - <div class="i0">On trudged the Gemini to reach the rail</div> - <div class="i0">That shields the well's top from the expectant pail,</div> - <div class="i0">When ah! Jack falls; and, rolling in the rear,</div> - <div class="i0">Jill feels the attraction of his kindred sphere;</div> - <div class="i0">Head over heels begins his toppling track,</div> - <div class="i0">Throws sympathetic somersets with Jack,</div> - <div class="i0">And at the mountain's base, bobbs plump against him, whack!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Ye living atoms, who unconscious sit,</div> - <div class="i0">Jumbled by chance in gallery, box, and pit,</div> - <div class="i0">For you no Peter opes the fabled door,</div> - <div class="i0">No churlish Charon plies the shadowy oar;—</div> - <div class="i0">Breathe but a space, and Boreas' casual sweep</div> - <div class="i0">Shall bear your scatter'd corses o'er the deep,</div> - <div class="i0">To gorge the greedy elements, and mix</div> - <div class="i0">With water, marl, and clay, and stones and sticks;</div> - <div class="i0">While, charged with fancied souls, sticks, stones and clay,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall take your seats, and hiss or clap the play.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">O happy age! when convert Christians read</div> - <div class="i0">No sacred writings but the Pagan creed;</div> - <div class="i0">O happy age! when spurning Newton's dreams,</div> - <div class="i0">Our poet's sons recite Lucretian themes,</div> - <div class="i0">Abjure the idle systems of their youth,</div> - <div class="i0">And turn again to atoms and to truth.</div> - <div class="i0">O happier still! when England's dauntless dames,</div> - <div class="i0">Awed by no chaste alarms, no latent shames,</div> - <div class="i0">The bard's fourth book unblushingly peruse,</div> - <div class="i0">And learn the rampant lessons of the stews!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">All hail, Lucretius, renovated sage!</div> - <div class="i0">Unfold the modest mystics of thy page;</div> - <div class="i0">Return no more to thy sepulchral shelf,</div> - <div class="i0">But live, kind bard,—that I may live myself!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_272" id="Page_272">[Pg 272]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="THEATRICAL_ALARM_BELL" id="THEATRICAL_ALARM_BELL"></a>THEATRICAL ALARM BELL.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By the Editor of the M. P.</span></p> - -<p class="p1a">Bounce, Jupiter, bounce!—<span class="smcap">O'Hara</span>.</p> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Ladies and Gentlemen</span>,</p> - -<p>As it is now the universally-admitted, and indeed pretty-generally-suspected -aim of Mr. Whitbread and the infamous, -bloodthirsty, and, in fact, illiberal faction to which he belongs, to -burn to the ground this free and happy Protestant city, and -establish himself in St. James's Palace, his fellow committee-men -have thought it their duty to watch the principles of a theatre -built under his auspices. The information they have received -from undoubted authority, particularly from an old fruit-woman -who had turned king's evidence, and whose name for obvious -reasons we forbear to mention, though we have had it some -weeks in our possession, has induced them to introduce various -reforms: not such reforms as the vile faction clamour for, meaning -thereby revolution, but such reforms as are necessary to -preserve the glorious constitution of the only free, happy, and -prosperous country now left upon the face of the earth. From -the valuable and authentic source above alluded to, we have -learnt that a sanguinary plot has been formed by some united -Irishmen, combined with a gang of Luddites, and a special -committee sent over by the Pope at the instigation of the -beastly Corsican fiend, for destroying all the loyal part of -the audience on the anniversary of that deeply-to-be-abhorred -and highly-to-be-blamed stratagem, the gunpowder -plot, which falls this year on Thursday, the 5th of November. -The whole is under the direction of a delegated committee of -O.P.'s, whose treasonable exploits at Covent Garden you all -recollect, and all of whom would have been hung from the -chandeliers at that time but for the mistaken lenity of government. -At a given signal a well-known O.P. was to cry out from -the gallery, "Nosey! Music!" whereupon all the O.P.'s were to -produce from their inside pockets a long pair of shears, edged -with felt to prevent their making any noise, manufactured expressly -by a wretch at Birmingham, one of Mr. Brougham's -evidences, and now in custody. With these they were to cut off -the heads of all the loyal N.P.'s in the house, without distinction -of sex or age. At the signal, similarly given, of "Throw -him over," which it now appears always alluded to the overthrow -of our never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-deeply-and-universally-to-be-venerated -constitution, all the heads of the N.P.'s were to be -thrown at the fiddlers, to prevent their appearing in evidence, or -perhaps as a false and illiberal insinuation that they have no<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_273" id="Page_273">[Pg 273]</a></span> -heads of their own. All that we know of the further designs of -these incendiaries is, that they are by-a-great-deal-too-much too-horrible-to-be-mentioned.</p> - -<p>The manager has acted with his usual promptitude on this -trying occasion. He has contracted for 300 tons of gunpowder, -which are at this moment placed in a small barrel under the pit, -and a descendant of Guy Faux, assisted by Colonel Congreve, -has undertaken to blow up the house, when necessary, in so -novel and ingenious a manner, that every O.P. shall be annihilated, -while not a whisker of the N.P.'s shall be singed. This -strikingly displays the advantages of loyalty and attachment to -government. Several other hints have been taken from the -theatrical regulations of the not-a-bit-the-less-on-that-account-to-be-universally-execrated -monster Bonaparte. A park of artillery, -provided with chain-shot, is to be stationed on the stage, and -play upon the audience in case of any indication of misplaced -applause or popular discontent (which accounts for the large -space between the curtain and the lamps); and the public will -participate our satisfaction in learning that the indecorous -custom of standing up with the hat on is to be abolished, as the -Bow Street officers are provided with daggers, and have orders -to stab all such persons to the heart, and send their bodies to -Surgeons' Hall; gentlemen who cough are only to be slightly -wounded. Fruit-women bawling "Bill of the Play" are to be -forthwith shot, for which purpose soldiers will be stationed in the -slips, and ball-cartridge is to be served out with the lemonade. -If any of the spectators happen to sneeze or spit they are to be -transported for life, and any person who is so tall as to prevent -another seeing, is to be dragged out and sent on board the tender, -or, by an instrument taken out of the pocket of Procrustes, to be -forthwith cut shorter, either at the head or foot, according as -his own convenience may dictate.</p> - -<p>Thus, ladies and gentlemen, have the committee, through my -medium, set forth the not-in-a-hurry-to-be-paralleled plan they -have adopted for preserving order and decorum within the walls -of their magnificent edifice. Nor have they, while attentive to -their own concerns, by any means overlooked those of the cities -of London and Westminster. Finding, on enumeration, that -they have with a with-two-hands-and-one-tongue-to-be-applauded -liberality, contracted for more gunpowder than they want, they -have parted with the surplus to the mattock-carrying and -hustings-hammering high bailiff of Westminster, who has, with -his own shovel, dug a large hole in the front of the parish church -of St. Paul, Covent Garden, that, upon the least symptom of ill-breeding -in the mob at the general election, the whole of the -market may be blown into the air. This, ladies and gentlemen, -may at first make provisions <em>rise</em>, but we pledge the credit of -our theatre that they will soon <em>fall</em> again, and people be supplied<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_274" id="Page_274">[Pg 274]</a></span> -as usual with vegetables in the in-general-strewed-with-cabbage-stalks-but-on-Saturday-night-lighted-up-with-lamps -market of Covent Garden.</p> - -<p>I should expatiate more largely on the other advantages of -the glorious constitution of these by-the-whole-of-Europe-envied -realms, but I am called away to take an account of the ladies, -and other artificial flowers, at a fashionable rout, of which a full -and particular account will hereafter appear. For the present, -my fashionable intelligence is scanty, on account of the opening -of Drury Lane; and the ladies and gentlemen who honour me -with their attention, will not be surprised if they find nothing -under my usual head!</p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="THE_THEATRE" id="THE_THEATRE"></a>THE THEATRE.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By the Rev. G. C.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Nil intentatum nostri liquôre poetæ,</div> - <div class="i0">Nec minimum meruère decus, vestigia Græca</div> - <div class="i0">Ausi desesere, et celebrare domestica facta.—<span class="smcap">Horat</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<h4>A PREFACE OF APOLOGIES.</h4> - -<p>If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected -for the opening Address, a few words of explanation may be -deemed necessary, on my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. -The animadversion I have thought it right to make on -the noise created by tuning the orchestra, will, I hope, give no -lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed in the band. -It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments ready -tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation -to many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who -not being blest with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning -for the overture, and think the latter concluded before it is -begun.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"one fiddle will</div> - <div class="i0">Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still—"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>was originally written "one hautboy will," but having providentially -been informed, when this poem was upon the point of -being sent off, that there is but one hautboy in the band, I -averted the storm of popular and managerial indignation from -the head of its blower; as it now stands, "one fiddle" among -many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape detection. The -story of the flying playbill is calculated to expose a practice, -much too common, of pinning playbills to the cushions, -insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If -these lines save one playbill only from the fate I have recorded,<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_275" id="Page_275">[Pg 275]</a></span> -I shall not deem my labour ill employed. The concluding -episode of Patrick Jennings, glances at the boorish fashion of -wearing the hat in the one-shilling gallery. Had Jennings thrust -his between his feet at the commencement of the play, he -might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe -I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs -formed to enable him to recover his loss, is purposely so crossed -in texture and materials, as to mislead the reader in respect of -the real owner of any one of them. For, in the satirical view of -life and manners, which I occasionally present, my clerical -profession has taught me how extremely improper it would be by -any allusion, however slight, to give any uneasiness, however -trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked. <span class="stageright">G. C.</span></p> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2>THE THEATRE.</h2> - -<blockquote> - -<p>Interior of a theatre described.—Pit gradually fills.—The check-taker.—Pit -full.—The orchestra tuned.—One fiddle rather dilatory.—Is reproved—and -repents.—Evolutions of a playbill.—Its final settlement on the spikes.—The -gods taken to task—and why.—Motley group of playgoers.—Holywell -Street, St. Pancras.—Emanuel Jennings binds his son apprentice.—Not -in London—and why.—Episode of the hat.</p></blockquote> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six,</div> - <div class="i0">Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks,</div> - <div class="i0">Touch'd by the lamplighter's Promethean art,</div> - <div class="i0">Start into light and make the lighter start;</div> - <div class="i0">To see red Phœbus through the gallery pane</div> - <div class="i0">Tinge with his beam the beams of Drury Lane,</div> - <div class="i0">While gradual parties fill our widen'd pit,</div> - <div class="i0">And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease,</div> - <div class="i0">Distant or near, they settle where they please;</div> - <div class="i0">But when the multitude contracts the span,</div> - <div class="i0">And seats are rare, they settle where they can.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Now the full benches, to late comers, doom</div> - <div class="i0">No room for standing, miscall'd <em>standing-room</em>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks,</div> - <div class="i0">And bawling "Pit full," gives the check he takes;</div> - <div class="i0">Yet onward still, the gathering numbers cram,</div> - <div class="i0">Contending crowders shout the frequent damn,</div> - <div class="i0">And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, jam.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">See to their desks Apollo's sons repair;</div> - <div class="i0">Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_276" id="Page_276">[Pg 276]</a></span> - <div class="i0">In unison their various tones to tune</div> - <div class="i0">Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon;</div> - <div class="i0">In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute,</div> - <div class="i0">Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute,</div> - <div class="i0">Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp,</div> - <div class="i0">Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp;</div> - <div class="i0">Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in,</div> - <div class="i0">Attunes to order the chaotic din.</div> - <div class="i0">Now all seems hush'd—but no, one fiddle will</div> - <div class="i0">Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still;</div> - <div class="i0">Foil'd in his crash, the leader of the clan</div> - <div class="i0">Reproves with frowns the dilatory man;</div> - <div class="i0">Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow,</div> - <div class="i0">Nods a new signal, and away they go.</div> - <div class="i0">Perchance, while pit and gallery cry, "Hats off,"</div> - <div class="i0">And awed Consumption checks his chided cough,</div> - <div class="i0">Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love</div> - <div class="i0">Drops, reft of pin, her playbill from above;</div> - <div class="i0">Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap,</div> - <div class="i0">Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap;</div> - <div class="i0">But, wiser far than he, combustion fears,</div> - <div class="i0">And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers;</div> - <div class="i0">Till sinking gradual, with repeated twirl,</div> - <div class="i0">It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl;</div> - <div class="i0">Who from his powder'd pate the intruder strikes,</div> - <div class="i0">And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues?</div> - <div class="i0">Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs?</div> - <div class="i0">He who, in quest of quiet, "silence" hoots,</div> - <div class="i0">Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">What various swains our motley walls contain!</div> - <div class="i0">Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick Lane;</div> - <div class="i0">Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort,</div> - <div class="i0">Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court;</div> - <div class="i0">From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain,</div> - <div class="i0">Culls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane;</div> - <div class="i0">The lottery cormorant, the auction shark,</div> - <div class="i0">The full-price master, and the half-price clerk;</div> - <div class="i0">Boys who long linger at the gallery door,</div> - <div class="i0">With pence twice five, they want but twopence more,</div> - <div class="i0">Till some Samaritan the twopence spares,</div> - <div class="i0">And sends them jumping up the gallery stairs.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Critics we boast who ne'er their malice baulk,</div> - <div class="i0">But talk their minds, we wish they'd mind their talk;</div> - <div class="i0">Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live,</div> - <div class="i0">Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_277" id="Page_277">[Pg 277]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Jews from St. Mary Axe, for jobs so wary,</div> - <div class="i0">That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary;</div> - <div class="i0">And bucks with pockets empty as their pate,</div> - <div class="i0">Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait,</div> - <div class="i0">Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse</div> - <div class="i0">With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Yet here, as elsewhere, chance can joy bestow,</div> - <div class="i0">Where scowling fortune seem'd to threaten woe.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">John Richard William Alexander Dwyer</div> - <div class="i0">Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire;</div> - <div class="i0">But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues,</div> - <div class="i0">Emanuel Jennings polish'd Stubbs's shoes.</div> - <div class="i0">Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy</div> - <div class="i0">Up as a corn-cutter, a safe employ;</div> - <div class="i0">In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred</div> - <div class="i0">(At number twenty-seven, it is said),</div> - <div class="i0">Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head:</div> - <div class="i0">He would have bound him to some shop in town,</div> - <div class="i0">But with a premium he could not come down;</div> - <div class="i0">Pat was the urchin's name, a red-hair'd youth,</div> - <div class="i0">Fonder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongues in awe,</div> - <div class="i0">The Muse shall tell an accident she saw.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Pat Jennings in the upper gallery sat,</div> - <div class="i0">But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat;</div> - <div class="i0">Down from the gallery the beaver flew,</div> - <div class="i0">And spurn'd the one to settle in the two.</div> - <div class="i0">How shall he act? Pay at the gallery door</div> - <div class="i0">Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four?</div> - <div class="i0">Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait,</div> - <div class="i0">And gain his hat again at half-past eight?</div> - <div class="i0">Now, while his fears anticipate a thief,</div> - <div class="i0">John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief."</div> - <div class="i0">"Thank you," cries Pat, "but one won't make a line;"</div> - <div class="i0">"Take mine," cried Wilson, and cried Stokes, "take mine."</div> - <div class="i0">A motley cable soon Pat Jennings ties,</div> - <div class="i0">Where Spitalfields with real India vies.</div> - <div class="i0">Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted hue,</div> - <div class="i0">Starr'd, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue,</div> - <div class="i0">Old calico, torn silk, and muslin new.</div> - <div class="i0">George Green below, with palpitating hand,</div> - <div class="i0">Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band.</div> - <div class="i0">Up soars the prize; the youth, with joy unfeign'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Regain'd the felt, and felt what he regain'd,</div> - <div class="i0">While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat</div> - <div class="i0">Made a low bow, and touch'd the ransom'd hat.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_278" id="Page_278">[Pg 278]</a></span></p> - -<h2><a name="To_the_Managing_Committee_of_the_New_Drury_Lane" id="To_the_Managing_Committee_of_the_New_Drury_Lane"></a><em>To the Managing Committee of the New Drury Lane -Theatre.</em></h2> - - -<p><span class="smcap">Gentlemen</span>,</p> - -<p>Happening to be wool-gathering at the foot of Mount -Parnassus, I was suddenly seized with a violent travestie in the -head. The first symptoms I felt were several triple rhymes -floating about my brain, accompanied by a singing in my throat, -which quickly communicated itself to the ears of everybody -about me, and made me a burthen to my friends, and a torment -to Doctor Apollo, three of whose favourite servants, that is to -say, Macbeth, his butcher, Mrs. Haller, his cook, and George -Barnwell, his book-keeper, I waylaid in one of my fits of insanity, -and mauled after a very frightful fashion. In this woeful crisis -I accidentally heard of your invaluable New Patent Hissing Pit, -which cures every disorder incident to Grub Street. I send you -enclosed a more detailed specimen of my case; if you could -mould it into the shape of an Address to be said or sung on the -first night of your performance, I have no doubt that I should -feel the immediate effects of your invaluable New Patent Hissing -Pit, of which they tell me one hiss is a dose.</p> - -<p class="center">I am, &c.<br /> -<span class="smcap">Momus Medlar.</span></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h2><a name="Case_No_I" id="Case_No_I"></a><span class="smcap">Case No. I.</span><br /> - -MACBETH.</h2> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> -<div class="stagecenter"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Macbeth</span> <i>in a red nightcap</i>. <span class="smcap">Page</span> <i>following -with a torch</i>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go, boy, and thy good mistress tell</div> - <div class="i0">(She knows that my purpose is cruel),</div> - <div class="i0">I'd thank her to tingle her bell,</div> - <div class="i0">As soon as she's heated my gruel.</div> - <div class="i0">Go, get thee to bed and repose,</div> - <div class="i0">To sit up so late is a scandal;</div> - <div class="i0">But ere you have ta'en off your clothes,</div> - <div class="i0">Be sure that you put out that candle.</div> - <div class="i11">Ri fol de rol tol de rol lol.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">My stars, in the air here's a knife!</div> - <div class="i0">I'm sure it cannot be a hum;</div> - <div class="i0">I'll catch at the handle, add's life,</div> - <div class="i0">And then I shall not cut my thumb.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_279" id="Page_279">[Pg 279]</a></span> - <div class="i0">I've got him!—no, at him again,</div> - <div class="i0">Come, come, I'm not fond of these jokes:</div> - <div class="i0">This must be some blade of the brain:</div> - <div class="i0">Those witches are given to hoax.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I've one in my pocket, I know,</div> - <div class="i0">My wife left on purpose behind her,</div> - <div class="i0">She bought this of Teddy-high-ho,</div> - <div class="i0">The poor Caledonian grinder.</div> - <div class="i0">I see thee again! o'er thy middle</div> - <div class="i0">Large drops of red blood now are spill'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Just as much as to say diddle diddle,</div> - <div class="i0">Good Duncan pray come and be kill'd.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">It leads to his chamber, I swear;</div> - <div class="i0">I tremble and quake every joint;</div> - <div class="i0">No dog at the scent of a hare</div> - <div class="i0">Ever yet made a cleverer point.</div> - <div class="i0">Ah, no! 'twas a dagger of straw—</div> - <div class="i0">Give me blinkers to save me from starting;</div> - <div class="i0">The knife that I thought that I saw,</div> - <div class="i0">Was nought but my eye, Betty Martin.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now o'er this terrestrial hive</div> - <div class="i0">A life paralytic is spread,</div> - <div class="i0">For while the one half is alive,</div> - <div class="i0">The other is sleepy and dead.</div> - <div class="i0">King Duncan in grand majesty</div> - <div class="i0">Has got my state bed for a snooze,</div> - <div class="i0">I've lent him my slippers, so I</div> - <div class="i0">May certainly stand in his shoes.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Blow softly, ye murmuring gales,</div> - <div class="i0">Ye feet rouse no echo in walking,</div> - <div class="i0">For though a dead man tells no tales,</div> - <div class="i0">Dead walls are much given to talking.</div> - <div class="i0">This knife shall be in at the death,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll stick him, then off safely get.</div> - <div class="i0">Cries the world, this could not be Macbeth,</div> - <div class="i0">For he'd ne'er stick at anything yet.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hark, hark, 'tis the signal by goles,</div> - <div class="i0">It sounds like a funeral knell:</div> - <div class="i0">O hear it not, Duncan, it tolls</div> - <div class="i0">To call thee to heaven or hell.</div> - <div class="i0">Or if you to heaven won't fly,</div> - <div class="i0">But rather prefer Pluto's ether,</div> - <div class="i0">Only wait a few years till I die,</div> - <div class="i0">And we'll go to the devil together,</div> - <div class="i15">Ri fol de rol, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_280" id="Page_280">[Pg 280]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="Case_No_II" id="Case_No_II"></a><span class="smcap">Case No. II.</span><br /> - -THE STRANGER.</h2> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Who has e'er been at Drury must needs know the Stranger,</div> - <div class="i0">A wailing old Methodist, gloomy and wan,</div> - <div class="i0">A husband suspicious, his wife acted Ranger,</div> - <div class="i0">She took to her heels, and left poor Hypochon.</div> - <div class="i0">Her martial gallant swore that truth was a libel,</div> - <div class="i0">That marriage was thraldom, elopement no sin;</div> - <div class="i0">Quoth she, "I remember the words of my Bible,</div> - <div class="i0">My spouse is a Stranger, and I'll take him in."</div> - <div class="i1">With my sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em,</div> - <div class="i1">And pathos and bathos delightful to see;</div> - <div class="i1">And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum,</div> - <div class="i1">And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">To keep up her dignity, no longer rich enough,</div> - <div class="i0">Where was her plate? why 'twas laid on the shelf.</div> - <div class="i0">Her land fuller's earth, and her great riches kitchen stuff,</div> - <div class="i0">Dressing the dinner instead of herself.</div> - <div class="i0">No longer permitted in diamonds to sparkle,</div> - <div class="i0">Now plain Mrs. Haller, of servants the dread,</div> - <div class="i0">With a heart full of grief and a pan full of charcoal,</div> - <div class="i0">She lighted the company up to their bed.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Incensed at her flight, her poor hubby in dudgeon</div> - <div class="i0">Roam'd after his rib in a gig and a pout,</div> - <div class="i0">Till, tired with his journey, the peevish curmudgeon,</div> - <div class="i0">Sat down and blubber'd just like a church spout.</div> - <div class="i0">One day on a bench as dejected and sad he laid,</div> - <div class="i0">Hearing a squash, he cried, "Hullo, what's that?"</div> - <div class="i0">'Twas a child of the Count's, in whose service lived Adelaide,</div> - <div class="i0">Soused in the river and squalled like a cat.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Having drawn his young excellence up to the bank, it</div> - <div class="i0">Appear'd that himself was all dripping, I swear,</div> - <div class="i0">No wonder he soon became dry as a blanket,</div> - <div class="i0">Exposed as he was to the Count's <em>son</em> and <em>heir</em>.</div> - <div class="i0">"Dear sir," quoth the Count, "in reward of your valour,</div> - <div class="i0">To show that my gratitude is not mere talk,</div> - <div class="i0">You shall eat a beefsteak which my cook, Mrs. Haller,</div> - <div class="i0">Cut from the rump with her own knife and fork."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Behold, now the Count gave the Stranger a dinner,</div> - <div class="i0">With gunpowder tea, which you know brings a ball,</div> - <div class="i0">And, thin as he was, that he might not grow thinner,</div> - <div class="i0">He made of the Stranger no stranger at all;</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_281" id="Page_281">[Pg 281]</a></span> - <div class="i0">At dinner fair Adelaide brought up a chicken,</div> - <div class="i0">A bird that she never had met with before,</div> - <div class="i0">But, seeing him, scream'd, and was carried off, kicking,</div> - <div class="i0">And he bang'd his nob 'gainst the opposite door.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">To finish my tale without roundaboutation,</div> - <div class="i0">Young master and missee besieged their papa,</div> - <div class="i0">They sung a quartetto in grand blubberation;</div> - <div class="i0">The Stranger cried "Oh!" Mrs. Haller cried "Ah!"</div> - <div class="i0">Though pathos and sentiment largely are dealt in,</div> - <div class="i0">I have no good moral to give in exchange,</div> - <div class="i0">For though she as a cook might be given to melting,</div> - <div class="i0">The Stranger's behaviour was certainly strange,</div> - <div class="i1">With his sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em,</div> - <div class="i1">And pathos and bathos delightful to see,</div> - <div class="i1">And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum,</div> - <div class="i1">And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h2><a name="Case_No_III" id="Case_No_III"></a><span class="smcap">Case No. III.</span> - -GEORGE BARNWELL.</h2> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">George Barnwell stood at the shop door,</div> - <div class="i0">A customer hoping to find, sir;</div> - <div class="i0">His apron was hanging before,</div> - <div class="i0">But the tail of his coat was behind, sir.</div> - <div class="i0">A lady so painted and smart,</div> - <div class="i0">Cried, "Sir, I've exhausted my stock o' late,</div> - <div class="i0">I've got nothing left but a groat,</div> - <div class="i0">Could you give me four penn'orth of chocolate?</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Her face was rouged up to the eyes,</div> - <div class="i0">Which made her look prouder and prouder,</div> - <div class="i0">His hair stood on end with surprise,</div> - <div class="i0">And hers with pomatum and powder.</div> - <div class="i0">The business was soon understood;</div> - <div class="i0">The lady, who wish'd to be more rich,</div> - <div class="i0">Cries, "Sweet sir, my name is Milwood,</div> - <div class="i0">And I lodge at the Gunner's, in Shoreditch."</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now nightly he stole out, good lack,</div> - <div class="i0">And into her lodging would pop, sir,</div> - <div class="i0">And often forgot to come back,</div> - <div class="i0">Leaving master to shut up the shop, sir,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_282" id="Page_282">[Pg 282]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Her beauty his wits did bereave;</div> - <div class="i0">Determin'd to be quite the crack O,</div> - <div class="i0">He lounged at the Adam and Eve,</div> - <div class="i0">And call'd for his gin and tobacco.</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And now (for the truth must be told)</div> - <div class="i0">Though none of a 'prentice should speak ill,</div> - <div class="i0">He stole from the till all the gold,</div> - <div class="i0">And ate the lump sugar and treacle.</div> - <div class="i0">In vain did his master exclaim,</div> - <div class="i0">"Dear George, don't engage with that Dragon,</div> - <div class="i0">She'll lead you to sorrow and shame,</div> - <div class="i0">And leave you the devil a rag on</div> - <div class="i4">Your Rum ti," &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">In vain he entreats and implores</div> - <div class="i0">The weak and incurable ninny,</div> - <div class="i0">So kicks him at last out of doors,</div> - <div class="i0">And Georgy soon spends his last guinea.</div> - <div class="i0">His uncle, whose generous purse</div> - <div class="i0">Had often relieved him, as I know,</div> - <div class="i0">Now finding him grow worse and worse,</div> - <div class="i0">Refused to come down with the rhino.</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Cried Milwood, whose cruel heart's core,</div> - <div class="i0">Was so flinty that nothing could shock it,</div> - <div class="i0">"If ye mean to come here any more,</div> - <div class="i0">Pray come with more cash in your pocket.</div> - <div class="i0">Make nunky surrender his dibs,</div> - <div class="i0">Rub his pate with a pair of lead towels,</div> - <div class="i0">Or stick a knife into his ribs,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll warrant he'll then show some bowels."</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">A pistol he got from his love,</div> - <div class="i0">'Twas loaded with powder and bullet,</div> - <div class="i0">He trudged off to Camberwell Grove,</div> - <div class="i0">But wanted the courage to pull it.</div> - <div class="i0">"There's nunky as fat as a hog,</div> - <div class="i0">While I am as lean as a lizard;</div> - <div class="i0">Here's at you! you stingy old dog!"</div> - <div class="i0">And he whips a long knife in his gizzard.</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">All you who attend to my song,</div> - <div class="i0">A terrible end of the farce shall see,</div> - <div class="i0">If you join the inquisitive throng</div> - <div class="i0">That followed poor George to the Marshalsea.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_283" id="Page_283">[Pg 283]</a></span> - <div class="i0">"If Milwood were here, dash my wigs!"</div> - <div class="i0">Quoth he, "I would pummel and lam her well!</div> - <div class="i0">Had I stuck to my prunes and my figs,</div> - <div class="i0">I ne'er had stuck nunky at Camberwell."</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Their bodies were never cut down,</div> - <div class="i0">For granny relates with amazement,</div> - <div class="i0">A witch bore 'em over the town</div> - <div class="i0">And hung them on Thorowgood's casement.</div> - <div class="i0">The neighbours, I've heard the folks say,</div> - <div class="i0">The miracle noisily brag on,</div> - <div class="i0">And the shop is to this very day,</div> - <div class="i0">The sign of the George and the Dragon.</div> - <div class="i4">Rum ti, &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="PUNCHS_APOTHEOSIS" id="PUNCHS_APOTHEOSIS"></a>PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS.</h2> - -<p class="p1a"><span class="smcap">By T. H.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Rhymes the rudders are of verses,</div> - <div class="i3">With which, like ships, they steer their courses.—<span class="smcap">Hudibras.</span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2"><i>Scene draws, and discovers</i> <span class="smcap">Punch</span> <i>on a throne surrounded by</i> -<span class="smcap">Lear, Lady Macbeth, Macbeth, Othello, George -Barnwell, Hamlet, Ghost, Macheath, Juliet, Friar, -Apothecary, Romeo</span>, <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Falstaff.—Punch</span> <i>descends, -and addresses them in the following</i></p> - </div> -</div> - - -<h4>RECITATIVE.</h4> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">As manager of horses Mr. Merryman is,</div> - <div class="i0">So I with you am master of the ceremonies,—</div> - <div class="i0">These grand rejoicings, let me see, how name ye 'em?</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, in Greek lingo 'tis E—pi—thalamium.</div> - <div class="i0">October's tenth it is, toss up each hat to-day,</div> - <div class="i0">And celebrate with shouts our opening Saturday.</div> - <div class="i0">On this great night 'tis settled by our manager,</div> - <div class="i0">That we, to please great Johnny Bull, should plan a jeer,</div> - <div class="i0">Dance a bang-up theatrical cotillon,</div> - <div class="i0">And put on tuneful Pegasus a pillion;</div> - <div class="i0">That every soul, whether or not a cough he has,</div> - <div class="i0">May kick like Harlequin, and sing like Orpheus.</div> - <div class="i0">So come, ye pupils of Sir John Gallini,</div> - <div class="i0">Spin up a teetotum like Angiollini;</div> - <div class="i0">That John and Mrs. Bull from ale and teahouses,</div> - <div class="i0">May shout huzza for Punch's Apotheosis! <span class="stageright">[<i>They dance and sing.</i></span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_284" id="Page_284">[Pg 284]</a></span> -<div class="stagecenter"><span class="smcap">Air</span>—"<i>Sure such a day.</i>"—<span class="smcap">Tom Thumb.</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lear.</i> Dance, Regan, dance with Cordelia and Goneril,</div> - <div class="i0">Down the middle, up again, poussette, and cross;</div> - <div class="i0">Stop Cordelia, do not tread upon her heel,</div> - <div class="i0">Regan feeds on coltsfoot, and kicks like a horse.</div> - <div class="i0">See, she twists her mutton fists like Molyneux or Beelzebub,</div> - <div class="i0">And t'other's clack, who pats her back, is louder far than Hell's hubbub.</div> - <div class="i0">They tweak my nose, and round it goes, I fear they'll break the ridge of it.</div> - <div class="i0">Or leave it all just like Vauxhall, with only half the bridge of it.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday,</div> - <div class="i0">Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Lady Macbeth.</i> I kill'd the King, my husband is a heavy dunce,</div> - <div class="i0">He left the grooms unmassacred, then massacred the stud,</div> - <div class="i0">One loves long gloves, for mittens, like King's evidence,</div> - <div class="i0">Let truth with the fingers out, and won't hide blood.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Macbeth.</i> When spooneys on two knees implore the aid of sorcery.</div> - <div class="i0">To suit their wicked purposes they quickly put the laws awry,</div> - <div class="i0">With Adam I in wife may vie, for none could tell the use of her,</div> - <div class="i0">Except to cheapen golden pippins hawk'd about by Lucifer.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday,</div> - <div class="i0">Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Othello.</i> Wife, come to life, forgive what your black lover did,</div> - <div class="i0">Spit the feathers from your mouth and munch roast beef;</div> - <div class="i0">Iago he may go and be toss'd in the coverlid,</div> - <div class="i0">That smother'd you because you pawn'd my handkerchief.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Geo. Barnwell.</i> Why, neger, so eager about your rib immaculate?</div> - <div class="i0">Milwood shows for hanging us they've got an ugly knack o' late;</div> - <div class="i0">If on beauty stead of duty but one peeper bent he sees,</div> - <div class="i0">Satan waits with Dolly baits to hook in us apprentices.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday,</div> - <div class="i0">Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Hamlet.</i> I'm Hamlet in camlet, my ap and perihelia,</div> - <div class="i0">The moon can fix which lunatics makes sharp or flat.</div> - <div class="i0">I stuck by ill-luck, enamour'd of Ophelia,</div> - <div class="i0">Old Polony like a sausage, and exclaim'd, "Rat! Rat!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Ghost.</i> Let Gertrude sup the poisoned cup, no more I'll be an actor in</div> - <div class="i0">Such sorry food, but drink home-brew'd of Whitbread's manufacturing.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Macheath.</i> I'll Polly it, and folly it, and dance it quite the dandy O,</div> - <div class="i0">But as for tunes I have but one, and that is "Drops of Brandy O."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_285" id="Page_285">[Pg 285]</a></span> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday,</div> - <div class="i0">Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Juliet.</i> I'm Juliet Capulet, who took a dose of hellebore,</div> - <div class="i0">A Hell-of-a-bore I found it to put on a pall.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Friar.</i> And I am the friar who so corpulent a belly bore.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Apothecary.</i> And that is why poor skinny I have none at all.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Romeo.</i> I'm the resurrection man of buried bodies amorous.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Falstaff.</i> I'm fagg'd to death, and out of breath, and am for quiet clamorous,</div> - <div class="i0">For though my paunch is round and staunch, I ne'er begin to fill it ere I</div> - <div class="i0">Feel that I have no stomach left for entertainment military.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Omnes.</i> Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday,</div> - <div class="i0">Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! <span class="stageright">[<i>Exeunt dancing.</i></span></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_286" id="Page_286"></a><br /><a name="Page_287" id="Page_287"></a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="Odes_and_Addresses_to" id="Odes_and_Addresses_to"></a><span class="smcap">Odes and Addresses to -Great People</span>.</h2> - -<p class="p1a">(1825.)</p> - -<p class="center">——♦——</p> - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_MR_GRAHAM" id="ODE_TO_MR_GRAHAM"></a>ODE TO MR. GRAHAM.<br /> - -<span class="small70">THE AERONAUT.</span></h2> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Up with me!—up with me into the sky!—</div> - <div class="i14"><span class="smcap">Wordsworth—on a Lark:</span></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Dear Graham, whilst the busy crowd,</div> - <div class="i0">The vain, the wealthy, and the proud,</div> - <div class="i1">Their meaner flights pursue,</div> - <div class="i0">Let us cast off the foolish ties</div> - <div class="i0">That bind us to the earth, and rise</div> - <div class="i1">And take a bird's-eye view!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">A few more whiffs of my cigar</div> - <div class="i0">And then, in Fancy's airy car,</div> - <div class="i1">Have with thee for the skies:</div> - <div class="i0">How oft this fragrant smoke upcurl'd</div> - <div class="i0">Hath borne me from this little world,</div> - <div class="i1">And all that in it lies!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Away!—away!—the bubble fills—</div> - <div class="i0">Farewell to earth and all its hills!—</div> - <div class="i1">We seem to cut the wind!—</div> - <div class="i0">So high we mount, so swift we go,</div> - <div class="i0">The chimney-tops are far below,</div> - <div class="i1">The Eagle's left behind!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_288" id="Page_288">[Pg 288]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Ah me! my brain begins to swim!—</div> - <div class="i0">The world is growing rather dim;</div> - <div class="i1">The steeples and the trees—</div> - <div class="i0">My wife is getting very small!</div> - <div class="i0">I cannot see my babe at all!—</div> - <div class="i1">The Dollond, if you please!—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Do, Graham, let me have a quiz,</div> - <div class="i0">Lord! what a Lilliput it is,</div> - <div class="i1">That little world of Mogg's!—</div> - <div class="i0">Are those the London Docks?—that channel,</div> - <div class="i0">The mighty Thames?—a proper kennel</div> - <div class="i1">For that small Isle of Dogs!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What is that seeming tea-urn there!</div> - <div class="i0">That fairy dome, St. Paul's!—I swear,</div> - <div class="i1">Wren must have been a wren!—</div> - <div class="i0">And that small stripe?—it cannot be</div> - <div class="i0">The City Road!—Good lack? to see</div> - <div class="i1">The little ways of men!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Little, indeed!—my eyeballs ache</div> - <div class="i0">To find a turnpike. I must take</div> - <div class="i1">Their tolls upon my trust!—</div> - <div class="i0">And where is mortal labour gone?</div> - <div class="i0">Look, Graham, for a little stone</div> - <div class="i1">MacAdamized to dust!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Look at the horses!—less than flies!—</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, what a waste it was of sighs</div> - <div class="i1">To wish to be a Mayor!</div> - <div class="i0">What is the honour?—none at all,</div> - <div class="i0">One's honour must be very small</div> - <div class="i1">For such a civic chair!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And there's Guildhall!—'tis far aloof—</div> - <div class="i0">Methinks, I fancy thro' the roof</div> - <div class="i1">Its little guardian Gogs,</div> - <div class="i0">Like penny dolls—a tiny show!—</div> - <div class="i0">Well,—I must say they're ruled below.</div> - <div class="i1">By very little logs!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_289" id="Page_289">[Pg 289]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! Graham, how the upper air</div> - <div class="i0">Alters the standards of compare;</div> - <div class="i1">One of our silken flags</div> - <div class="i0">Would cover London all about—</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, then—let's even empty out</div> - <div class="i1">Another brace of bags!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now for a glass of bright champagne</div> - <div class="i0">Above the clouds!—Come, let us drain</div> - <div class="i1">A bumper as we go!</div> - <div class="i0">But hold!—for God's sake do not cant</div> - <div class="i0">The cork away—unless you want</div> - <div class="i1">To brain your friends below.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Think! what a mob of little men</div> - <div class="i0">Are crawling just within our ken,</div> - <div class="i1">Like mites upon a cheese!</div> - <div class="i0">Pshaw!—how the foolish sight rebukes</div> - <div class="i0">Ambitious thoughts!—can there be <em>Dukes</em></div> - <div class="i1">Of <em>Gloster</em> such as these!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! what is glory?—what is fame?</div> - <div class="i0">Hark to the little mob's acclaim,</div> - <div class="i1">'Tis nothing but a hum!</div> - <div class="i0">A few near gnats would trump as loud</div> - <div class="i0">As all the shouting of a crowd</div> - <div class="i1">That has so far to come!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well—they are wise that choose the near,</div> - <div class="i0">A few small buzzards in the ear,</div> - <div class="i1">To organs ages hence!—</div> - <div class="i0">Ah me, how distance touches all;</div> - <div class="i0">It makes the true look rather small,</div> - <div class="i1">But murders poor pretence.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The world recedes!—it disappears!</div> - <div class="i0">Heav'n open on my eyes—my ears</div> - <div class="i1">With buzzing noises ring!"</div> - <div class="i0">A fig for Southey's Laureate lore!—</div> - <div class="i0">What's Rogers here?—who cares for Moore</div> - <div class="i1">That hears the angels sing!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_290" id="Page_290">[Pg 290]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XVI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">A fig for earth, and all its minions!—</div> - <div class="i0">We are above the world's opinions,</div> - <div class="i1">Graham! we'll have our own!—</div> - <div class="i0">Look what a vantage height we've got!—</div> - <div class="i0">Now——<em>do</em> you think Sir Walter Scott</div> - <div class="i1">Is such a Great Unknown?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XVII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Speak up!—or hath he hid his name</div> - <div class="i0">To crawl thro' "subways" into fame,</div> - <div class="i1">Like Williams of Cornhill?—</div> - <div class="i0">Speak up, my lad!—when men run small</div> - <div class="i0">We'll show what's little in them all,</div> - <div class="i1">Receive it how they will!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XVIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Think now of Irving!—shall he preach</div> - <div class="i0">The princes down—shall he impeach</div> - <div class="i1">The potent and the rich,</div> - <div class="i0">Merely on ethic stilts,—and I</div> - <div class="i0">Not moralize at two miles high</div> - <div class="i1">The true didactic pitch!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Come:—what d'ye think of Jeffrey, sir?</div> - <div class="i0">Is Gifford such a Gulliver</div> - <div class="i1">In Lilliput's Review,</div> - <div class="i0">That like Colossus he should stride</div> - <div class="i0">Certain small brazen inches wide</div> - <div class="i1">For poets to pass through?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Look down! the world is but a spot.</div> - <div class="i0">Now say—Is Blackwood's <em>low</em> or not,</div> - <div class="i1">For all the Scottish tone?</div> - <div class="i0">It shall not weigh us here—not where</div> - <div class="i0">The sandy burden's lost in air—</div> - <div class="i1">Our lading—where is't flown!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Now,—like you Croly's verse indeed—</div> - <div class="i0">In heaven—where one cannot read</div> - <div class="i1">The "Warren" on a wall?</div> - <div class="i0">What think you here of that man's fame?</div> - <div class="i0">Tho' Jerdan magnified his name,</div> - <div class="i1">To me 'tis very small!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_291" id="Page_291">[Pg 291]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XXII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And, truly, is there such a spell</div> - <div class="i0">In those three letters, L. E. L.,</div> - <div class="i1">To witch a world with song?</div> - <div class="i0">On clouds the Byron did not sit,</div> - <div class="i0">Yet dared on Shakespeare's head to spit,</div> - <div class="i1">And say the world was wrong!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And shall not we? Let's think aloud!</div> - <div class="i0">Thus being couch'd upon a cloud,</div> - <div class="i1">Graham, we'll have our eyes!</div> - <div class="i0">We felt the great when we were less,</div> - <div class="i0">But we'll retort on littleness</div> - <div class="i1">Now we are in the skies.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">O Graham, Graham, how I blame</div> - <div class="i0">The bastard blush,—the petty shame,</div> - <div class="i1">That used to fret me quite,—</div> - <div class="i0">The little sores I cover'd then,</div> - <div class="i0">No sores on earth, nor sorrows when</div> - <div class="i1">The world is out of sight!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>My</em> name is Tims. I am the man</div> - <div class="i0">That North's unseen diminish'd clan</div> - <div class="i1">So scurvily abused!</div> - <div class="i0">I am the very P. A. Z.</div> - <div class="i0">The London's Lion's small pin's head</div> - <div class="i1">So often hath refused!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXVI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Campbell—(you cannot see him here)—</div> - <div class="i0">Hath scorn'd my <em>lays</em>:—do his appear</div> - <div class="i1">Such great eggs from the sky?</div> - <div class="i0">And Longman, and his lengthy Co.</div> - <div class="i0">Long, only, in a little Row,</div> - <div class="i1">Have thrust my poems by!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXVII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What else?—I'm poor, and much beset</div> - <div class="i0">With petty duns—that is—in debt</div> - <div class="i1">Some grains of golden dust!</div> - <div class="i0">But only worth, above, is worth.</div> - <div class="i0">What's all the credit of the earth?</div> - <div class="i1">An inch of cloth on trust!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_292" id="Page_292">[Pg 292]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XXVIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What's Rothschild here, that wealthy man!</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, worlds of wealth?—Oh, if you can</div> - <div class="i1">Spy out,—the <em>Golden Ball!</em></div> - <div class="i0">Sure as we rose, all money sank:</div> - <div class="i0">What's gold or silver now?—the Bank</div> - <div class="i1">Is gone—the 'Change and all!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXIX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">What's all the ground-rent of the globe?—</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, Graham, it would worry Job</div> - <div class="i1">To hear its landlords prate!</div> - <div class="i0">But after this survey, I think</div> - <div class="i0">I'll ne'er be bullied more, nor shrink</div> - <div class="i1">From men of large estate!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">And less, still less, will I submit</div> - <div class="i0">To poor mean acres' worth of wit—</div> - <div class="i1">I that have Heaven's span—</div> - <div class="i0">I that like Shakespeare's self may dream</div> - <div class="i0">Beyond the very clouds, and seem</div> - <div class="i1">An Universal Man!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, Graham, mark those gorgeous crowds!</div> - <div class="i0">Like birds of paradise the clouds</div> - <div class="i1">Are winging on the wind!</div> - <div class="i0">But what is grander than their range?</div> - <div class="i0">More lovely than their sunset change?—</div> - <div class="i1">The free creative mind!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well! the Adults' School's in the air!</div> - <div class="i0">The greatest men are lesson'd there</div> - <div class="i1">As well as the lessee!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh could earth's Ellistons thus small</div> - <div class="i0">Behold the greatest stage of all,</div> - <div class="i1">How humbled they would be!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Oh would some god the giftie gie 'em,</div> - <div class="i0">To see themselves as others see 'em,"</div> - <div class="i1">'Twould much abate their fuss!</div> - <div class="i0">If they could think that from the skies</div> - <div class="i0">They are as little in our eyes</div> - <div class="i1">As they can think of us!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_293" id="Page_293">[Pg 293]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XXXIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Of us! are <em>we</em> gone out of sight?</div> - <div class="i0">Lessen'd! diminish'd! vanish'd quite!</div> - <div class="i1">Lost to the tiny town!</div> - <div class="i0">Beyond the Eagle's ken—the grope</div> - <div class="i0">Of Dollond's longest telescope!</div> - <div class="i1">Graham! we're going down!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Ah me! I've touch'd a string that opes</div> - <div class="i0">The airy valve!—the gas elopes—</div> - <div class="i1">Down goes our bright balloon!—</div> - <div class="i0">Farewell the skies! the clouds! I smell</div> - <div class="i0">The lower world! Graham, farewell,</div> - <div class="i1">Man of the silken moon!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXVI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The earth is close! the City nears—</div> - <div class="i0">Like a burnt paper it appears,</div> - <div class="i1">Studded with tiny sparks!</div> - <div class="i0">Methinks I hear the distant rout</div> - <div class="i0">Of coaches rumbling all about—</div> - <div class="i1">We're close above the Parks!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XXXVII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I hear the watchmen on their beats,</div> - <div class="i0">Hawking the hour about the streets.</div> - <div class="i1">Lord! what a cruel jar</div> - <div class="i0">It is upon the earth to light!</div> - <div class="i0">Well—there's the finish of our flight!</div> - <div class="i1">I've smoked my last cigar!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_MR_MADAM" id="ODE_TO_MR_MADAM"></a>ODE TO MR. M'ADAM.</h2> - -<p class="p1a">Let us take to the road!—<span class="smcap">Beggar's Opera</span>.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">M'adam, hail!</div> - <div class="i0">Hail, Roadian! hail, Colossus! who dost stand</div> - <div class="i0">Striding ten thousand turnpikes on the land!</div> - <div class="i2">Oh, universal Leveller! all hail!</div> - <div class="i0">To thee, a good, yet stony-hearted man,</div> - <div class="i1">The kindest one, and yet the flintiest going—</div> - <div class="i0">To thee—how much for thy commodious plan,</div> - <div class="i1">Lanark Reformer of the Ruts, is Owing!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_294" id="Page_294">[Pg 294]</a></span> - <div class="i10">The Bristol mail</div> - <div class="i0">Gliding o'er ways, hitherto deem'd invincible,</div> - <div class="i1">When carrying patriots now shall never fail</div> - <div class="i0">Those of the most "<em>unshaken</em> public principle."</div> - <div class="i3">Hail to thee, Scott of Scots!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou northern light, amid those heavy men!</div> - <div class="i0">Foe to Stonehenge, yet friend to all beside,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou scatter'st flints and favours far and wide,</div> - <div class="i3">From palaces to cots;</div> - <div class="i2">Dispenser of coagulated good!</div> - <div class="i2">Distributor of granite and of food!</div> - <div class="i0">Long may thy fame its even path march on,</div> - <div class="i2">E'en when thy sons are dead!</div> - <div class="i0">Best benefactor! though thou giv'st a stone</div> - <div class="i2">To those who ask for bread!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thy first great trial in this mighty town</div> - <div class="i0">Was, if I rightly recollect, upon</div> - <div class="i1">That gentle hill which goeth</div> - <div class="i0">Down from "the County" to the Palace gate,</div> - <div class="i1">And, like a river, thanks to thee, now floweth</div> - <div class="i0">Past the Old Horticultural Society,—</div> - <div class="i0">The chemist Cobb's, the house of Howell and James,</div> - <div class="i0">Where ladies play high shawl and satin games—</div> - <div class="i8">A little <em>Hell</em> of lace!</div> - <div class="i0">And past the Athenæum, made of late,</div> - <div class="i8">Severs a sweet variety</div> - <div class="i0">Of milliners and booksellers who grace</div> - <div class="i8">Waterloo Place,</div> - <div class="i0">Making division, the Muse fears and guesses,</div> - <div class="i0">'Twixt Mr. Rivington's and Mr. Hessey's.</div> - <div class="i0">Thou stood'st thy trial, Mac! and shav'd the road</div> - <div class="i0">From Barber Beaumont's to the King's abode</div> - <div class="i0">So well, that paviours threw their rammers by,</div> - <div class="i0">Let down their tuck'd shirt-sleeves, and with a sigh</div> - <div class="i0">Prepar'd themselves, poor souls, to chip or die!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Next, from the palace to the prison, thou</div> - <div class="i1">Didst go, the highway's watchman, to thy beat,—</div> - <div class="i1">Preventing though the <em>rattling</em> in the street,</div> - <div class="i8">Yet kicking up a row,</div> - <div class="i0">Upon the stones—ah! truly watchman-like,</div> - <div class="i0">Encouraging thy victims all to strike,</div> - <div class="i1">To further thy own purpose, Adam, daily;—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_295" id="Page_295">[Pg 295]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Thou hast smooth'd, alas, the path to the Old Bailey!</div> - <div class="i3">And to the stony bowers</div> - <div class="i0">Of Newgate, to encourage the approach,</div> - <div class="i3">By caravan or coach,—</div> - <div class="i0">Hast strew'd the way with flints as soft as flowers.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Who shall dispute thy name!</div> - <div class="i0">Insculpt in stone in every street,</div> - <div class="i3">We soon shall greet</div> - <div class="i1">Thy trodden down, yet all unconquer'd fame!</div> - <div class="i0">Where'er we take, even at this time, our way,</div> - <div class="i0">Nought see we, but mankind in open air,</div> - <div class="i0">Hammering thy fame, as Chantrey would not dare;</div> - <div class="i3">And with a patient care,</div> - <div class="i0">Chipping thy immortality all day!</div> - <div class="i0">Demosthenes, of old,—that rare old man,—</div> - <div class="i0">Prophetically, <em>follow'd</em>, Mac! thy plan:—</div> - <div class="i4">For he, we know</div> - <div class="i4">(History says so),</div> - <div class="i0">Put <em>pebbles</em> in his mouth when he would speak</div> - <div class="i4">The <em>smoothest</em> Greek!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">It is "impossible, and cannot be,"</div> - <div class="i2">But that thy genius hath,</div> - <div class="i2">Beside the turnpike, many another path</div> - <div class="i1">Trod, to arrive at popularity.</div> - <div class="i0">O'er Pegasus, perchance, thou hast thrown a thigh,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor ridden a roadster only;—mighty Mac!</div> - <div class="i0">And 'faith I'd swear, when on that winged hack,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hast observ'd the highways in the sky!</div> - <div class="i0">Is the path up Parnassus rough and steep,</div> - <div class="i1">And "hard to climb," as Dr. B. would say?</div> - <div class="i0">Dost think it best for sons of song to keep</div> - <div class="i1">The noiseless <em>tenor</em> of their way? (see Gray).</div> - <div class="i0">What line of road <em>should</em> poets take to bring</div> - <div class="i1">Themselves unto those waters, lov'd the first!—</div> - <div class="i0">Those waters which can wet a man to sing!</div> - <div class="i1">Which, like thy fame, "from <em>granite</em> basins burst,</div> - <div class="i1">Leap into life, and, sparkling, woo the thirst?"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">That thou'rt a proser, even thy birthplace might</div> - <div class="i1">Vouchsafe;—and Mr. Cadell <em>may</em>, God wot,</div> - <div class="i1">Have paid thee many a pound for many a blot,—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_296" id="Page_296">[Pg 296]</a></span> - <div class="i4">Cadell's a wayward wight!</div> - <div class="i0">Although no Walter, still thou art a Scot,</div> - <div class="i0">And I can throw, I think, a little light</div> - <div class="i0">Upon some works thou hast written for the town,—</div> - <div class="i0">And publish'd, like a Lilliput Unknown!</div> - <div class="i1">"Highways and Byeways" is thy book, no doubt</div> - <div class="i4">(One whole edition's out),</div> - <div class="i5">And next, for it is fair</div> - <div class="i7">That Fame,</div> - <div class="i1">Seeing her children, should confess she had 'em;—</div> - <div class="i1">"Some <em>Passages</em> from the life of Adam Blair"—</div> - <div class="i2">(Blair is a Scottish name),</div> - <div class="i1">What are they, but thy own good roads, M'Adam?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i6">O! indefatigable labourer</div> - <div class="i0">In the paths of men! when thou shalt die, 'twill be</div> - <div class="i0">A mark of thy surpassing industry,</div> - <div class="i1">That of the monument, which men shall rear</div> - <div class="i0">Over thy most inestimable bone,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou didst thy very self lay the first stone!</div> - <div class="i0">Of a right ancient line thou comest,—through</div> - <div class="i0">Each crook and turn we trace the unbroken clue,</div> - <div class="i0">Until we see thy sire before our eyes,</div> - <div class="i0">Rolling his gravel walks in Paradise!</div> - <div class="i0">But he, our great Mac Parent, err'd, and ne'er</div> - <div class="i3">Have our walks since been fair!</div> - <div class="i0">Yet Time, who, like the merchant, lives on 'Change,</div> - <div class="i0">For ever varying, through his varying range,</div> - <div class="i3">Time maketh all things even!</div> - <div class="i0">In this strange world, turning beneath high heaven!</div> - <div class="i1">He hath redeem'd the Adams, and contriv'd—</div> - <div class="i3">(How are Time's wonders hiv'd!)</div> - <div class="i1">In pity to mankind, and to befriend 'em—</div> - <div class="i3">(Time is above all praise)</div> - <div class="i0">That he, who first did make our evil ways,</div> - <div class="i0">Reborn in Scotland, should be first to mend 'em!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_297" id="Page_297">[Pg 297]</a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_THE_GREAT_UNKNOWN" id="ODE_TO_THE_GREAT_UNKNOWN"></a>ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN.</h2> - -<p class="p1a">O breathe not his name!—<span class="smcap">Moore.</span></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">Thou Great Unknown!</div> - <div class="i0">I do not mean Eternity nor Death,</div> - <div class="i5">That vast incog!</div> - <div class="i0">For I suppose thou hast a living breath,</div> - <div class="i0">Howbeit we know not from whose lung 'tis blown,</div> - <div class="i5">Thou man of fog!</div> - <div class="i0">Parent of many children—child of none!</div> - <div class="i5">Nobody's son!</div> - <div class="i0">Nobody's daughter—but a parent still!</div> - <div class="i0">Still but an ostrich parent of a batch</div> - <div class="i0">Of orphan eggs,—left to the world to hatch.</div> - <div class="i5">Superlative Nil!</div> - <div class="i0">A vox and nothing more,—yet not Vauxhall;</div> - <div class="i0">A head in papers, yet without a curl!</div> - <div class="i5">Not the Invisible Girl!</div> - <div class="i0">No hand—but a hand-writing on a wall—</div> - <div class="i5">A popular nonentity,</div> - <div class="i0">Still call'd the same,—without identity!</div> - <div class="i5">A lark, heard out of sight,—</div> - <div class="i0">A nothing shin'd upon,—invisibly bright,</div> - <div class="i5">"Dark with excess of light!"</div> - <div class="i0">Constable's literary John-a-nokes—</div> - <div class="i0">The real Scottish wizard—to no which,</div> - <div class="i5">Nobody—in a niche;</div> - <div class="i5">Every one's hoax!</div> - <div class="i5">Maybe Sir Walter Scott—</div> - <div class="i7">Perhaps not!</div> - <div class="i0">Why dost thou so conceal and puzzle curious folks?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thou—whom the second-sighted never saw,</div> - <div class="i0">The Master Fiction of fictitious history!</div> - <div class="i5">Chief Nong tong paw!</div> - <div class="i0">No mister in the world—and yet all mystery!</div> - <div class="i0">The "tricksy spirit" of a Scotch Cock Lane—</div> - <div class="i0">A <em>novel</em> Junius puzzling the world's brain—</div> - <div class="i0">A man of magic—yet no talisman!</div> - <div class="i0">A man of clair obscure—not him o' the moon!</div> - <div class="i5">A star—at noon.</div> - <div class="i0">A non-descriptus in a caravan,</div> - <div class="i0">A private—of no corps—a northern light</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_298" id="Page_298">[Pg 298]</a></span> - <div class="i1">In a dark lantern,—Bogie in a crape—</div> - <div class="i5">A figure—but no shape;</div> - <div class="i5">A vizor—and no knight;</div> - <div class="i1">The real abstract hero of the age;</div> - <div class="i1">The staple Stranger of the stage;</div> - <div class="i0">A Some One made in every man's presumption,</div> - <div class="i0">Frankenstein's monster—but instinct with gumption;</div> - <div class="i0">Another strange state captive in the north,</div> - <div class="i1">Constable-guarded in an iron mask—</div> - <div class="i7">Still let me ask,</div> - <div class="i5">Hast thou no silver platter,</div> - <div class="i0">No door-plate, or no card—or some such matter,</div> - <div class="i0">To scrawl a name upon, and then cast forth?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Thou Scottish Barmecide, feeding the hunger</div> - <div class="i0">Of Curiosity with airy gammon?</div> - <div class="i3">Thou mystery-monger,</div> - <div class="i0">Dealing it out like middle cut of salmon,</div> - <div class="i0">That people buy and can't make head or tail of it</div> - <div class="i0">(Howbeit that puzzle never hurts the sale of it);</div> - <div class="i0">Thou chief of authors mystic and abstractical,</div> - <div class="i0">That lay their proper bodies on the shelf—</div> - <div class="i0">Keeping thyself so truly to thyself,</div> - <div class="i3">Thou Zimmerman made practical!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou secret fountain of a Scottish style,</div> - <div class="i5">That, like the Nile,</div> - <div class="i0">Hideth its source wherever it is bred,</div> - <div class="i3">But still keeps disemboguing</div> - <div class="i3">(Not disembroguing)</div> - <div class="i0">Thro' such broad sandy mouths without a head!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou disembodied author—not yet dead,—</div> - <div class="i0">The whole world's literary Absentee!</div> - <div class="i3">Ah! wherefore hast thou fled,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou learned Nemo—wise to a degree,</div> - <div class="i3">Anonymous LL.D.!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Thou nameless captain of the nameless gang</div> - <div class="i0">That do—and inquests cannot say who did it!</div> - <div class="i1">Wert thou at Mrs. Donatty's death-pang?</div> - <div class="i0">Hast thou made gravy of Wear's watch—or hid it?</div> - <div class="i0">Hast thou a Blue Beard chamber? Heaven forbid it!</div> - <div class="i1">I should be very loth to see thee hang!</div> - <div class="i0">I hope thou hast an alibi well plann'd,</div> - <div class="i0">An innocent, altho' an ink-black hand.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_299" id="Page_299">[Pg 299]</a></span> - <div class="i1">Tho' thou hast newly turn'd thy private bolt on</div> - <div class="i2">The curiosity of all invaders—</div> - <div class="i1">I hope thou art merely closeted with Colton,</div> - <div class="i0">Who knows a little of the <em>Holy Land</em>,</div> - <div class="i2">Writing thy next new novel—The Crusaders!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">Perhaps thou wert even born</div> - <div class="i0">To be unknown. Perhaps hung, some foggy morn,</div> - <div class="i0">At Captain Coram's charitable wicket,</div> - <div class="i5">Penn'd to a ticket</div> - <div class="i0">That Fate had made illegible, foreseeing</div> - <div class="i0">The future great unmentionable being.</div> - <div class="i4">Perhaps thou hast ridden</div> - <div class="i0">A scholar poor on St. Augustine's back,</div> - <div class="i0">Like Chatterton, and found a dusty pack</div> - <div class="i1">Of Rowley novels in an old chest hidden;</div> - <div class="i0">A little hoard of clever simulation,</div> - <div class="i1">That took the town—and Constable has bidden</div> - <div class="i0">Some hundred pounds for a continuation—</div> - <div class="i0">To keep and clothe thee in genteel starvation.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I liked thy Waverley—first of thy breeding;</div> - <div class="i2">I like its modest "sixty years ago,"</div> - <div class="i0">As if it was not meant for ages' reading.</div> - <div class="i4">I don't like Ivanhoe,</div> - <div class="i0">Tho' Dymoke does—it makes him think of clattering</div> - <div class="i2">In iron overalls before the king,</div> - <div class="i0">Secure from battering, to ladies flattering,</div> - <div class="i1">Tuning his challenge to the gauntlets' ring—</div> - <div class="i0">Oh better far than all that anvil clang</div> - <div class="i1">It was to hear thee touch the famous string</div> - <div class="i0">Of Robin Hood's tough bow and make it twang,</div> - <div class="i1">Rousing him up, all verdant, with his clan,</div> - <div class="i4">Like Sagittarian Pan!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I like Guy Mannering—but not that sham son</div> - <div class="i0">Of Brown. I like that literary Sampson,</div> - <div class="i0">Nine-tenths a Dyer, with a smack of Porson.</div> - <div class="i0">I like Dirk Hatteraick, that rough sea Orson</div> - <div class="i4">That slew the Gauger;</div> - <div class="i0">And Dandie Dinmont, like old Ursa Major;</div> - <div class="i0">And Merrilies, young Bertram's old defender,</div> - <div class="i2">That Scottish Witch of Endor,</div> - <div class="i0">That doom'd thy fame. She was the Witch, I take it,</div> - <div class="i0">To tell a great man's fortune—or to make it!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_300" id="Page_300">[Pg 300]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I like thy Antiquary. With his fit on,</div> - <div class="i1">He makes me think of Mr. Britton,</div> - <div class="i0">Who has—or had—within his garden wall,</div> - <div class="i0">A <em>miniature Stone Henge</em>, so very small</div> - <div class="i2">The sparrows find it difficult to sit on;</div> - <div class="i0">And Dousterswivel, like Poyais' M'Gregor;</div> - <div class="i0">And Edie Ochiltree, that old <em>Blue Beggar</em>,</div> - <div class="i5">Painted so cleverly,</div> - <div class="i0">I think thou surely knowest Mrs. Beverly!</div> - <div class="i0">I like thy Barber—him that fir'd the <em>Beacon</em>—</div> - <div class="i0">But that's a tender subject now to speak on!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">I like long-arm'd Rob Roy. His very charms</div> - <div class="i0">Fashion'd him for renown! In sad sincerity,</div> - <div class="i1">The man that robs or writes must have long arms,</div> - <div class="i0">If he's to hand his deeds down to posterity!</div> - <div class="i0">Witness Miss Biffin's posthumous prosperity!</div> - <div class="i0">Her poor brown crumpled mummy (nothing more)</div> - <div class="i4">Bearing the name she bore,</div> - <div class="i0">A thing Time's tooth is tempted to destroy!</div> - <div class="i0">But Roys can never die—why else, in verity,</div> - <div class="i0">Is Paris echoing with "Vive le <em>Roy!</em>"</div> - <div class="i1">Ay, Rob shall live again, and deathless Di</div> - <div class="i0">Vernon, of course, shall often live again—</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst there's a stone in Newgate, or a chain,</div> - <div class="i4">Who can pass by</div> - <div class="i0">Nor feel the Thief's in prison and at hand?</div> - <div class="i0">There be Old Bailey Jarveys on the stand!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">I like thy Landlord's Tales!—I like that Idol</div> - <div class="i0">Of love and Lammermoor—the blue-eyed maid</div> - <div class="i0">That led to church the mounted cavalcade,</div> - <div class="i1">And then pull'd up with such a bloody bridal!</div> - <div class="i0">Throwing equestrian Hymen on his haunches—</div> - <div class="i0">I like the family—not silver, branches</div> - <div class="i4">That hold the tapers</div> - <div class="i1">To light the serious legend of Montrose.</div> - <div class="i0">I like M'Aulay's second-sighted vapours,</div> - <div class="i0">As if he could not walk or talk alone.</div> - <div class="i0">Without the devil—or the Great Unknown—</div> - <div class="i1">Dalgetty is the dearest of Ducrows!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_301" id="Page_301">[Pg 301]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I like St. Leonard's Lily—drench'd with dew!</div> - <div class="i0">I like thy Vision of the Covenanters,</div> - <div class="i0">That bloody-minded Graham shot and slew.</div> - <div class="i3">I like the battle lost and won,</div> - <div class="i3">The hurly-burly's bravely done,</div> - <div class="i0">The warlike gallops and the warlike <em>cant</em>ers!</div> - <div class="i0">I like that girded chieftain of the ranters,</div> - <div class="i0">Ready to preach down heathens, or to grapple,</div> - <div class="i3">With one eye on his sword,</div> - <div class="i3">And one upon the Word—</div> - <div class="i0">How <em>he</em> would cram the Caledonian Chapel!</div> - <div class="i0">I like stern Claverhouse, though he doth dapple</div> - <div class="i1">His raven steed with blood of many a corse—</div> - <div class="i0">I like dear Mrs. Headrigg, that unravels</div> - <div class="i1">Her texts of Scripture on a trotting horse—</div> - <div class="i0">She is so like Rae Wilson when he travels!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">I like thy Kenilworth—but I'm not going</div> - <div class="i1">To take a Retrospective Re-Review</div> - <div class="i0">Of all thy dainty novels—merely showing</div> - <div class="i1">The old familiar faces of a few,</div> - <div class="i3">The question to renew,</div> - <div class="i0">How thou canst leave such deeds without a name,</div> - <div class="i0">Forego the unclaim'd dividends of fame,</div> - <div class="i0">Forego the smiles of literary houris—</div> - <div class="i0">Mid Lothian's trump, and Fife's shrill note of praise,</div> - <div class="i3">And all the Carse of Gowrie's,</div> - <div class="i0">When thou might'st have thy statue in Cromarty—</div> - <div class="i1">Or see thy image on Italian trays,</div> - <div class="i0">Betwixt Queen Caroline and Buonaparté,</div> - <div class="i1">Be painted by the Titian of R.A.'s,</div> - <div class="i0">Or vie in signboards with the Royal Guelph!</div> - <div class="i1">Perhaps have thy bust set cheek by jowl with Homer's,</div> - <div class="i0">Perhaps send out plaster proxies of thyself</div> - <div class="i1">To other Englands with Australian roamers—</div> - <div class="i3">Mayhap, in literary Owhyhee</div> - <div class="i3">Displace the native wooden gods, or be</div> - <div class="i0">The China-Lar of a Canadian shelf!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">It is not modesty that bids thee hide—</div> - <div class="i0">She never wastes her blushes out of sight:</div> - <div class="i4">It is not to invite</div> - <div class="i0">The world's decision, for thy fame is tried,—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_302" id="Page_302">[Pg 302]</a></span> - <div class="i0">And thy fair deeds are scatter'd far and wide,</div> - <div class="i0">Even royal heads are with thy readers reckon'd,—</div> - <div class="i1">From men in trencher caps to trencher scholars</div> - <div class="i4">In crimson collars,</div> - <div class="i0">And learned serjeants in the forty-second!</div> - <div class="i0">Whither by land or sea art thou not beckon'd?</div> - <div class="i0">Mayhap exported from the Frith of Forth,</div> - <div class="i0">Defying distance and its dim control;</div> - <div class="i1">Perhaps read about Stromness, and reckon'd worth</div> - <div class="i0">A brace of Miltons for capacious soul—</div> - <div class="i1">Perhaps studied in the whalers, further north,</div> - <div class="i0">And set above ten Shakespeares near the pole!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, when thou writest by Aladdin's lamp,</div> - <div class="i0">With such a giant genius at command,</div> - <div class="i3">For ever at thy stamp,</div> - <div class="i0">To fill thy treasury from Fairy Land,</div> - <div class="i0">When haply thou might'st ask the pearly hand</div> - <div class="i0">Of some great British Vizier's eldest daughter,</div> - <div class="i3">Tho' princes sought her,</div> - <div class="i0">And lead her in procession hymeneal,</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, why dost thou remain a Beau Ideal!</div> - <div class="i0">Why stay, a ghost, on the Lethean wharf,</div> - <div class="i0">Envelop'd in Scotch mist and gloomy fogs?</div> - <div class="i0">Why, but because thou art some puny dwarf,</div> - <div class="i0">Some hopeless imp, like Riquet with the Tuft,</div> - <div class="i0">Fearing, for all thy wit, to be rebuff'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Or bullied by our great reviewing Gogs?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">What in this masquing age</div> - <div class="i0">Maketh Unknowns so many and so shy?</div> - <div class="i3">What but the critic's page?</div> - <div class="i0">One hath a cast, he hides from the world's eye,</div> - <div class="i0">Another hath a wen—he won't show where;</div> - <div class="i3">A third has sandy hair,</div> - <div class="i0">A hunch upon his back, or legs awry,</div> - <div class="i0">Things for a vile reviewer to espy!</div> - <div class="i0">Another hath a mangel-wurzel nose—</div> - <div class="i3">Finally, this is dimpled,</div> - <div class="i1">Like a pale crumpet face, or that is pimpled;</div> - <div class="i0">Things for a monthly critic to expose—</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, what is thy own case—that being small,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou choosest to be nobody at all!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_303" id="Page_303">[Pg 303]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">XVI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Well, thou art prudent, with such puny bones—</div> - <div class="i3">E'en like Elshender, the mysterious elf,</div> - <div class="i3">That shadowy revelation of thyself—</div> - <div class="i0">To build thee a small hut of haunted stones—</div> - <div class="i0">For certainly the first pernicious man</div> - <div class="i0">That ever saw thee, would quickly draw thee</div> - <div class="i0">In some vile literary caravan—</div> - <div class="i4">Shown for a shilling</div> - <div class="i4">Would be thy killing.</div> - <div class="i0">Think of Crachami's miserable span!</div> - <div class="i0">No tinier frame the tiny spark could dwell in</div> - <div class="i4">Than there it fell in—</div> - <div class="i0">But when she felt herself a show, she tried</div> - <div class="i0">To shrink from the world's eye, poor dwarf! and died!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XVII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">O since it was thy fortune to be born</div> - <div class="i0">A dwarf on some Scotch <em>Inch</em>, and then to flinch</div> - <div class="i0">From all the Gog-like jostle of great men.</div> - <div class="i3">Still with thy small crow pen</div> - <div class="i0">Amuse and charm thy lonely hours forlorn—</div> - <div class="i0">Still Scottish story daintily adorn,</div> - <div class="i1">Be still a shade—and when this age is fled,</div> - <div class="i0">When we poor sons and daughters of reality</div> - <div class="i1">Are in our graves forgotten and quite dead,</div> - <div class="i0">And Time destroys our mottoes of morality,</div> - <div class="i0">The lithographic hand of Old Mortality</div> - <div class="i0">Shall still restore thy emblem on the stone,</div> - <div class="i3">A featureless death's head,</div> - <div class="i0">And rob Oblivion ev'n of the Unknown!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="TO_SYLVANUS_URBAN_ESQUIRE" id="TO_SYLVANUS_URBAN_ESQUIRE"></a>TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE,</h2> - -<p class="p1a">EDITOR OF THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Dost thou not suspect my years?—</div> - <div class="i12"><span class="smcap">Much Ado About Nothing</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! Mr. Urban! never must <em>thou</em> lurch</div> - <div class="i1">A sober age made serious drunk by thee;</div> - <div class="i0">Hop in thy pleasant way from church to church,</div> - <div class="i1">And nurse thy little bald Biography.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_304" id="Page_304">[Pg 304]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, my Sylvanus! what a heart is thine!</div> - <div class="i1">And what a page attends thee! Long may I</div> - <div class="i0">Hang in demure confusion o'er each line</div> - <div class="i1">That asks thy little questions with a sigh!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Old tottering years have nodded to their falls,</div> - <div class="i1">Like pensioners that creep about and die;</div> - <div class="i0">But thou, Old Parr of periodicals,</div> - <div class="i1">Livest in monthly immortality!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">How sweet!—as Byron of <em>his</em> infant said,—</div> - <div class="i1">"Knowledge of objects" in thine eye to trace;</div> - <div class="i0">To see the mild no-meanings of thy head,</div> - <div class="i1">Taking a quiet nap upon thy face!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">How dear through thy Obituary to roam,</div> - <div class="i1">And not a name of any name to catch!</div> - <div class="i0">To meet thy Criticism walking home</div> - <div class="i1">Averse from rows, and never calling "Watch!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Rich is thy page in soporific things,—</div> - <div class="i1">Composing compositions,—lulling men,—</div> - <div class="i0">Faded old posies of unburied rings,—</div> - <div class="i1">Confessions dozing from an opiate pen:—</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Lives of Right Reverends that have never liv'd,—</div> - <div class="i1">Deaths of good people that have really died,—</div> - <div class="i0">Parishioners,—hatch'd, husbanded, and wiv'd,—</div> - <div class="i1">Bankrupts and Abbots breaking side by side!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">The sacred query,—the remote response,—</div> - <div class="i1">The march of serious mind, extremely slow,—</div> - <div class="i0">The graver's cut at some right aged sconce,</div> - <div class="i1">Famous for nothing many years ago!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">B. asks of C. if Milton e'er did write</div> - <div class="i1">"Comus," obscured beneath some Ludlow lid;—</div> - <div class="i0">And C., next month, an answer doth indite,</div> - <div class="i1">Informing B. that Mr. Milton did!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_305" id="Page_305">[Pg 305]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">X.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">X. sends the portrait of a genuine flea,</div> - <div class="i1">Caught upon Martin Luther years agone;</div> - <div class="i0">And Mr. Parkes, of Shrewsbury, draws a bee,</div> - <div class="i1">Long dead, that gather'd honey for King John.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">There is no end of thee,—there is no end,</div> - <div class="i1">Sylvanus, of thy A, B, C, D-merits!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou dost, with alphabets, old walls attend,</div> - <div class="i1">And poke the letters into holes, like ferrets.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go on, Sylvanus!—Bear a wary eye,</div> - <div class="i1">The churches cannot yet be quite run out!</div> - <div class="i0">Some parishes must yet have been pass'd by,—</div> - <div class="i1">There's Bullock-Smithy has a church no doubt!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go on—and close the eyes of distant ages!</div> - <div class="i1">Nourish the names of the undoubted dead!</div> - <div class="i0">So epicures shall pick thy lobster-pages,</div> - <div class="i1">Heavy and lively, though but seldom <em>red</em>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">XIV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go on! and thrive! Demurest of odd fellows!</div> - <div class="i1">Bottling up dulness in an ancient binn!</div> - <div class="i0">Still live! still prose!—continue still to tell us</div> - <div class="i1">Old truths! no strangers, though we take them in!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="AN_ADDRESS_TO_THE_STEAM_WASHING" id="AN_ADDRESS_TO_THE_STEAM_WASHING"></a>AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING -COMPANY.</h2> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3"><i class="personae">Archer.</i> How many are there, Scrub?</div> - <div class="i3"><i class="personae">Scrub.</i> Five-and-forty, Sir.—<span class="smcap">Beaux Stratagem</span>.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">For shame—let the linen alone!—<span class="smcap">M. W. of Windsor</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Mr. Scrub—Mr. Slop—or whoever you be!</div> - <div class="i0">The Cock of Steam Laundries,—the head Patentee</div> - <div class="i0">Of Associate Cleansers,—chief founder and prime</div> - <div class="i0">Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime—</div> - <div class="i0">Co-partners and dealers, in linen's propriety—</div> - <div class="i0">That make washing public—and wash in society—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_306" id="Page_306">[Pg 306]</a></span> - <div class="i0">O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego,</div> - <div class="i0">For a moment, the music that bubbles below,—</div> - <div class="i0">From your new Surrey Geisers<a name="FNanchor_216_216" id="FNanchor_216_216"></a><a href="#Footnote_216_216" class="fnanchor">[216]</a> all foaming and hot,—</div> - <div class="i0">That soft "<em>simmer's</em> sang" so endear'd to the Scot—</div> - <div class="i0">If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger—</div> - <div class="i0">If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger,</div> - <div class="i0">Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub—</div> - <div class="i0">O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub—</div> - <div class="i0">And lend me your ear,—Let me modestly plead</div> - <div class="i0">For a race that your labours may soon supersede—</div> - <div class="i0">For a race that, now washing no living affords—</div> - <div class="i0">Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards,</div> - <div class="i0">Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease,</div> - <div class="i0">Not with bread in the funds—or investments of cheese—</div> - <div class="i0">But to droop like sad willows that liv'd by a stream,</div> - <div class="i0">Which the sun has suck'd up into vapour and steam.</div> - <div class="i0">Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge</div> - <div class="i0">Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge;</div> - <div class="i0">When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins,</div> - <div class="i0">She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens,</div> - <div class="i0">And beginneth her toil while the morn is still grey,</div> - <div class="i0">As if she was washing the night into day—</div> - <div class="i0">Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora</div> - <div class="i0">Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her;</div> - <div class="i0">Not Venus that rose from the billow so early,</div> - <div class="i0">Look'd down on the foam with a forehead more <em>pearly</em><a name="FNanchor_217_217" id="FNanchor_217_217"></a><a href="#Footnote_217_217" class="fnanchor">[217]</a>—</div> - <div class="i0">Her head is involv'd in an aërial mist,</div> - <div class="i0">And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist;</div> - <div class="i0">Her visage glows warm with the ardour of duty;</div> - <div class="i0">She's Industry's moral—she's all moral beauty!</div> - <div class="i0">Growing brighter and brighter at every rub—</div> - <div class="i0">Would any man ruin her? No, Mr. Scrub!</div> - <div class="i0">No man that is manly would work her mishap—</div> - <div class="i0">No man that is manly would covet her cap—</div> - <div class="i0">Nor her apron—her hose—nor her gown made of stuff—</div> - <div class="i0">Nor her gin, nor her tea, nor her wet pinch of snuff!</div> - <div class="i0">Alas! so <em>she</em> thought, but that slippery hope</div> - <div class="i0">Has betrayed her, as tho' she had trod on her soap!</div> - <div class="i0">And she—whose support, like the fishes that fly,</div> - <div class="i0">Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky;</div> - <div class="i0">She whose living it was, and a part of her fare,</div> - <div class="i0">To be damp'd once a day, like the great white sea bear,</div> - <div class="i0">With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop—</div> - <div class="i0">Quite a living absorbent that revell'd in slop—</div> - <div class="i0">She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand,</div> - <div class="i0">And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_307" id="Page_307">[Pg 307]</a></span> - <div class="i1">Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands,</div> - <div class="i0">Instead of a counterpane, wringing her hands!</div> - <div class="i0">All haggard and pinch'd, going down in life's vale,</div> - <div class="i0">With no faggot for burning, like Allan-a-dale!</div> - <div class="i0">No smoke from her flue—and no steam from her pane,</div> - <div class="i0">Where once she watch'd heaven, fearing God and the rain—</div> - <div class="i0">Or gaz'd o'er her bleach-field so fairly engross'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Till the lines wander'd idle from pillar to post!</div> - <div class="i0">Ah, where are the playful young pinners—ah, where</div> - <div class="i0">The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air—</div> - <div class="i0">The brisk waltzing stockings—the white and the black,</div> - <div class="i0">That danc'd on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack—</div> - <div class="i0">The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn'd,</div> - <div class="i0">That blew into shape, and embodied the wind!</div> - <div class="i0">There was white on the grass—there was white on the spray—</div> - <div class="i0">Her garden—it look'd like a garden of May!</div> - <div class="i0">But now all is dark—not a shirt's on a shrub—</div> - <div class="i0">You've ruin'd her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub!</div> - <div class="i0">You've ruin'd her custom—now families drop her—</div> - <div class="i0">From her silver reduc'd—nay, reduc'd from her <em>copper</em>!</div> - <div class="i0">The last of her washing is done at her eye,</div> - <div class="i0">One poor little 'kerchief that never gets dry!</div> - <div class="i0">From mere lack of linen she can't lay a cloth,</div> - <div class="i0">And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth;</div> - <div class="i0">But her children come round her as victuals grow scant,</div> - <div class="i0">And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want—</div> - <div class="i0">When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed,</div> - <div class="i0">And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead,</div> - <div class="i0">And even its pearlashes laid in the grave—</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave,</div> - <div class="i0">And the greatest of coopers, ev'n he that they dub</div> - <div class="i0">Sir Astley, can't bind up her heart or her tub,—</div> - <div class="i0">Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub!</div> - <div class="i0">Need you wonder, when steam has depriv'd her of bread,</div> - <div class="i0">If she prays that the evil may visit <em>your</em> head—</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee—</div> - <div class="i0">If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city—</div> - <div class="i0">In short, not to mention all plagues without number,</div> - <div class="i0">If she wishes you all in the <em>Wash</em> at the Humber!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair,</div> - <div class="i0">When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare—</div> - <div class="i0">When the sum of her suds might be summ'd in a bowl,</div> - <div class="i0">And the rusty cold iron quite enter'd her soul—</div> - <div class="i0">When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye</div> - <div class="i0">Had caught the "Cock Laundresses' Coach" going by,</div> - <div class="i0">Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather,</div> - <div class="i0">And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_308" id="Page_308">[Pg 308]</a></span> - <div class="i0">In a lather of passion that froth'd as it rose,</div> - <div class="i0">Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose,</div> - <div class="i0">On her sheet—if a sheet were still left her—to write,</div> - <div class="i0">Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light—</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="LETTER_OF_REMONSTRANCE" id="LETTER_OF_REMONSTRANCE"></a>LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE<br /> - -<span class="small70">FROM BRIDGET JONES,</span></h2> - -<p class="p1a">TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING -COMMITTEE.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">It's a shame, so it is,—men can't Let alone</div> - <div class="i0">Jobs as is Woman's right to do—and go about there Own—</div> - <div class="i0">Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools</div> - <div class="i0">For washing to sit Up,—and push the Old Tubs from their stools!</div> - <div class="i0">But your just like the Raddicals,—for upsetting of the Sudds</div> - <div class="i0">When the world wagged well enuff—and Wommen washed your old dirty duds,</div> - <div class="i0">I'm Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no stream Ingins, that's Flat,—</div> - <div class="i0">But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as tidy and gentlemanny for all that—</div> - <div class="i0">I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle</div> - <div class="i0">I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back when I were little,</div> - <div class="i0">And they Said it went with Steem,—But that was a joke!</div> - <div class="i0">For I never see none come of it,—that's out of it—but only sum Smoak—</div> - <div class="i0">And for All your Power of Horses about your Ingins you never had but Two</div> - <div class="i0">In my time to draw you About to Fairs—and curse you, you know that's true!</div> - <div class="i0">And for All your fine Perspectuses,—howsomever you bewhich 'em,</div> - <div class="i0">Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum,</div> - <div class="i0">Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another to Do—</div> - <div class="i0">It aant as if a Bird'seye Hankicher can take a Bird'shigh view!</div> - <div class="i0">But Thats your lookout—I've not much to do with that—But pleas God to hold up fine,</div> - <div class="i0">Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever crosst the Line</div> - <div class="i0">Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place,</div> - <div class="i0">And Thats more than you Can—and Ill say it behind your face—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_309" id="Page_309">[Pg 309]</a></span> - <div class="i0">But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,—</div> - <div class="i0">As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak!</div> - <div class="i0">Thinks I, when I heard it—Well thear's a Pretty go!</div> - <div class="i0">That comes o' not marking of things, or washing out the marks, and Huddling 'em up so!</div> - <div class="i0">Till Their friends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in a Vault,</div> - <div class="i0">But may Hap you havint Larn'd to spel—and that ant your Fault.</div> - <div class="i0">Only you ought to leafe the Linnens to them as has larn'd,—</div> - <div class="i0">For if it warnt for Washing,—and whare Bills is concarnd</div> - <div class="i0">What's the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Edication,</div> - <div class="i0">And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays—fit for any Cityation.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Well, what I says is This—when every Kittle has its spout,</div> - <div class="i0">Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about!</div> - <div class="i0">To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind</div> - <div class="i0">For blowing up Boats with,—but not to hurt human kind</div> - <div class="i0">Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that's loaded with hot water,</div> - <div class="i0">Thof a Sheriff might know Better, than make things for slaughter,</div> - <div class="i0">As if War warnt Cruel enuff—wherever it befalls,</div> - <div class="i0">Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing balls,—</div> - <div class="i0">But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs</div> - <div class="i0">As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Stream rubbing Clubs,</div> - <div class="i0">For washing Dirt Cheap,—and eating other Peple's grubs!</div> - <div class="i0">Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea,</div> - <div class="i0">But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Bo-He!</div> - <div class="i0">They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!)</div> - <div class="i0">And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods,</div> - <div class="i0">When you and your Steam has ruined (G—d] forgive mee!) their lively Hoods,</div> - <div class="i0">Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth!</div> - <div class="i0">And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth!</div> - <div class="i0">But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at—</div> - <div class="i0">They won't do for Angell's—nor any Trade like That,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,—for that's all Bespoke,—</div> - <div class="i0">For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk</div> - <div class="i0">Do their own of Themselves—even the bettermost of em—aye, and even them of middling degrees—</div> - <div class="i0">Why God help you Babby Linen ant Bread and Cheese!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_310" id="Page_310">[Pg 310]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Nor we can't go a hammering the roads into Dust,</div> - <div class="i0">But we must all go and be Bankers,—and that's what we must!</div> - <div class="i0">God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects,</div> - <div class="i0">When you nose you have suck'd us and hanged round our Mutherly necks,</div> - <div class="i0">And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing—</div> - <div class="i0">You ant, curse you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing</div> - <div class="i0">In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers</div> - <div class="i0">And prettily jear'd At you great Horse God Meril things, ant you now by you next door neighbours—</div> - <div class="i0">Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up</div> - <div class="i0">No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp—</div> - <div class="i0">And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round</div> - <div class="i0">They'll scruntch your Bones some day—I'll be bound</div> - <div class="i0">And no more nor be a gudgement,—for it cant come to good</div> - <div class="i0">To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,—nor not fit It should,</div> - <div class="i0">For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation—</div> - <div class="i0">And can't be dun without in any Country But a Hottinpot Nation.</div> - <div class="i0">Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs</div> - <div class="i0">And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs—</div> - <div class="i0">But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nayther Bybills or Good Tracks,</div> - <div class="i0">Or youd know better than Taking the Close off one's Backs—</div> - <div class="i0">And let your neighbours oxin and Asses alone,—</div> - <div class="i0">And every Thing thats hern,—and give every one their Hone!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself,</div> - <div class="i0">And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf,</div> - <div class="i0">But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe</div> - <div class="i0">And pull off Your Pattins,—and leave the washing to we</div> - <div class="i0">That nose what's what—Or mark what I say,</div> - <div class="i0">Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day—</div> - <div class="i0">When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all,</div> - <div class="i0">And Crist mass cum—and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall,</div> - <div class="i0">Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare</div> - <div class="i0">Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite in his Chare—</div> - <div class="i0">Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to wash (for you dont wash) but to stew</div> - <div class="i0">And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew</div> - <div class="i0">With a vast more like That,—and all along of Steam</div> - <div class="i0">Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_311" id="Page_311">[Pg 311]</a></span> - <div class="i0">But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good,</div> - <div class="i0">And I cant say I'm Sorry afore God if you shoud,</div> - <div class="i0">For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways</div> - <div class="i0">Without taking ourn,—aye, and Moor to your Prays</div> - <div class="i0">If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt,</div> - <div class="i0">But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i12">Yourn with Anymocity,</div> - <div class="i19"><span class="smcap">Bridget Jones</span>.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_R_W_ELLISTON_ESQUIRE" id="ODE_TO_R_W_ELLISTON_ESQUIRE"></a>ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE,<br /> - -<span class="small70">THE GREAT LESSEE!</span></h2> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p><i class="personae">Rover.</i> Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest -man living?—<span class="smcap">Wild Oats</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! Great Lessee! Great Manager! Great Man!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, Lord High Elliston! Immortal Pan</div> - <div class="i0">Of all the pipes that play in Drury Lane!</div> - <div class="i0">Macready's master! Westminster's high <em>Dane</em>!</div> - <div class="i0">As Galway Martin, in the House's walls,</div> - <div class="i0">Hamlet and Doctor Ireland justly calls!</div> - <div class="i0">Friend to the sweet and ever-smiling Spring!</div> - <div class="i0">Magician of the lamp and prompter's ring!</div> - <div class="i0">Drury's Aladdin! Whipper-in of Actors,</div> - <div class="i0">Kicker of rebel-preface-malefactors!</div> - <div class="i0">Glass-blowers' corrector! King of the cheque-taker!</div> - <div class="i0">At once Great Leamington and Winston-Maker!</div> - <div class="i0">Dramatic Bolter of plain Bunns and cakes!</div> - <div class="i0">In silken <em>hose</em> the most reform'd of <em>Rakes</em>!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, Lord High Elliston! lend me an ear!</div> - <div class="i0">(Poole is away, and Williams shall keep clear)</div> - <div class="i0">While I, in little slips of prose, not verse,</div> - <div class="i0">Thy splendid course, as pattern-work, rehearse!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Bright was thy youth—thy manhood brighter still—</div> - <div class="i0">The greatest Romeo upon Holborn Hill—</div> - <div class="i0">Lightest comedian of the pleasant day,</div> - <div class="i0">When Jordan threw her sunshine o'er a play!</div> - <div class="i0">But these, though happy, were but subject times,</div> - <div class="i0">And no man cares for bottom-steps that climbs—</div> - <div class="i0">Far from my wish it is to stifle down</div> - <div class="i0">The hours that saw thee snatch the Surrey crown!</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_312" id="Page_312">[Pg 312]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Tho' now thy hand a mightier sceptre wields,</div> - <div class="i0">Fair was thy reign in sweet St. George's Fields.</div> - <div class="i0">Dibdin was <em>Premier</em>—and a golden <em>age</em></div> - <div class="i0">For a short time enrich'd the subject stage.</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hadst, than other Kings, more peace-and-plenty;</div> - <div class="i0">Ours but one Bench could boast, but thou hadst twenty;</div> - <div class="i0">But the times changed—and Booth-acting no more</div> - <div class="i0">Drew Rulers' shillings to the gallery door.</div> - <div class="i0">Thou didst, with bag and baggage, wander thence,</div> - <div class="i0">Repentant, like thy neighbour Magdalens!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Next, the Olympic Games were tried, each feat</div> - <div class="i0">Practis'd, the most bewitching in Wych Street.</div> - <div class="i0">Charles had his royal ribaldry restor'd,</div> - <div class="i0">And in a downright neighbourhood drank and whor'd;</div> - <div class="i0">Rochester there in dirty ways again</div> - <div class="i0">Revell'd—and liv'd once more in Drury Lane:</div> - <div class="i0">But thou, R. W.! kept thy moral ways,</div> - <div class="i0">Pit-lecturing 'twixt the farces and the plays,</div> - <div class="i0">A lamplight Irving to the butcher boys</div> - <div class="i0">That soil'd the benches and that made a noise:—</div> - <div class="i0">"<span class="smcap">You</span>,—in the back!—can scarcely hear a line!</div> - <div class="i0">Down from those benches—butchers—they are <span class="smcap">MINE</span>!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Lastly—and thou wert built for it by nature!—</div> - <div class="i0">Crown'd was thy head in Drury Lane Th<em>ea</em>tre!</div> - <div class="i0">Gentle George Robins saw that it was good,</div> - <div class="i0">And renters cluck'd around thee in a brood.</div> - <div class="i0">King thou wert made of Drury and of Kean!</div> - <div class="i0">Of many a lady and of many a Quean!</div> - <div class="i0">With Poole and Larpent was thy reign begun—</div> - <div class="i0">But now thou turnest from the Dead and Dun,</div> - <div class="i0">Hook's in thine eye, to write thy plays, no doubt,</div> - <div class="i0">And Colman lives to cut the damnlet's out!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh, worthy of the house! the King's commission!</div> - <div class="i0">Isn't thy condition "a most bless'd condition?"</div> - <div class="i0">Thou reignest over Winston, Kean, and all</div> - <div class="i0">The very lofty and the very small—</div> - <div class="i0">Showest the plumbless Bunn the way to kick—</div> - <div class="i0">Keepest a Williams for thy veriest stick—</div> - <div class="i0">Seest a Vestris in her sweetest moments,</div> - <div class="i0">Without the danger of newspaper comments—</div> - <div class="i0">Tellest Macready, as none dared before,</div> - <div class="i0">Thine open mind from the half-open door!—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_313" id="Page_313">[Pg 313]</a></span> - <div class="i0">(Alas! I fear he has left Melpomene's crown,</div> - <div class="i0">To be a Boniface in Buxton town!)—</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hold'st the watch, as half-price people know,</div> - <div class="i0">And callest to them, to a moment, "Go!"</div> - <div class="i0">Teachest the sapient Sapio how to sing—</div> - <div class="i0">Hangest a cat most oddly by the wing—</div> - <div class="i0">Hast known the length of a Cubitt-foot—and kiss'd</div> - <div class="i0">The pearly whiteness of a Stephens' wrist—</div> - <div class="i0">Kissing and pitying—tender and humane!</div> - <div class="i0">"By heaven she loves me! Oh, it is too plain!"</div> - <div class="i0">A sigh like this thy trembling passion slips,</div> - <div class="i0">Dimpling the warm Madeira at thy lips!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Go on, Lessee! Go on, and prosper well!</div> - <div class="i0">Fear not, though forty glass-blowers should rebel—</div> - <div class="i0">Show them how thou hast long befriended them,</div> - <div class="i0">And teach Dubois <em>their</em> treason to condemn!</div> - <div class="i0">Go on! addressing pits in prose and worse!</div> - <div class="i0">Be long, be slow, be anything but terse—</div> - <div class="i0">Kiss to the gallery the hand that's glov'd—</div> - <div class="i0">Make Bunn the Great, and Winston the Belov'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Go on—and but in this reverse the thing,</div> - <div class="i0">Walk backward with wax lights before the King—</div> - <div class="i0">Go on! Spring ever in thine eye! Go on!</div> - <div class="i0">Hope's favourite child! ethereal Elliston!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_RICHARD_MARTIN_ESQUIRE" id="ODE_TO_RICHARD_MARTIN_ESQUIRE"></a>ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE,</h2> - -<p class="p1a">M.P. FOR GALWAY.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">How many sing of wars,</div> - <div class="i3">Of Greek and Trojan jars—</div> - <div class="i3">The butcheries of men!</div> - <div class="i0">The Muse hath a "Perpetual Ruby Pen!"</div> - <div class="i0">Dabbling with heroes and the blood they spill;</div> - <div class="i3">But no one sings the man</div> - <div class="i3">That, like a pelican,</div> - <div class="i0">Nourishes Pity with his tender <em>Bill</em>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Thou Wilberforce of hacks!</div> - <div class="i3">Of whites as well as blacks,</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_314" id="Page_314">[Pg 314]</a></span> - <div class="i3">Piebald and dapple gray,</div> - <div class="i4">Chestnut and bay—</div> - <div class="i1">No poet's eulogy thy name adorns!</div> - <div class="i3">But oxen, from the fens,</div> - <div class="i3">Sheep—in their pens,</div> - <div class="i0">Praise thee, and red cows with their winding horns!</div> - <div class="i3">Thou art sung on brutal pipes!</div> - <div class="i4">Drovers may curse thee,</div> - <div class="i4">Knackers asperse thee,</div> - <div class="i1">And sly M.P.'s bestow their cruel wipes;</div> - <div class="i4">But the old horse neighs thee,</div> - <div class="i4">And zebras praise thee,</div> - <div class="i1">Asses, I mean—that have as many stripes!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Hast thou not taught the drover to forbear,</div> - <div class="i0">In Smithfield's muddy, murderous, vile environ,—</div> - <div class="i0">Staying his lifted bludgeon in the air!</div> - <div class="i4">Bullocks don't wear</div> - <div class="i4"><em>Oxide</em> of iron!</div> - <div class="i0">The cruel Jarvy thou hast summon'd oft,</div> - <div class="i0">Enforcing mercy on the coarse Yahoo,</div> - <div class="i0">That thought his horse the <em>courser</em> of the two—</div> - <div class="i1">Whilst Swift smiled down aloft!—</div> - <div class="i0">O worthy pair! for this, when ye inhabit</div> - <div class="i0">Bodies of birds—(if so the spirit shifts</div> - <div class="i0">From flesh to feather)—when the clown uplifts</div> - <div class="i0">His hand against the sparrow's nest, to <em>grab</em> it,—</div> - <div class="i0">He shall not harm the <span class="smcap">Martins</span> and the <em>Swifts</em>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Ah! when Dean Swift was <em>quick</em>, how he enhanc'd</div> - <div class="i0">The horse!—and humbled biped man like Plato!</div> - <div class="i0">But now he's dead, the charger is mischanc'd—</div> - <div class="i0">Gone backward in the world—and not advanc'd,—</div> - <div class="i4">Remember Cato!</div> - <div class="i0">Swift was the horse's champion—not the King's,</div> - <div class="i4">Whom Southey sings,</div> - <div class="i0">Mounted on Pegasus—would he were thrown!</div> - <div class="i0">He'll wear that ancient hackney to the bone,</div> - <div class="i0">Like a mere clothes-horse airing royal things!</div> - <div class="i0">Ah well-a-day! the ancients did not use</div> - <div class="i0">Their steeds so cruelly!—let it debar men</div> - <div class="i0">From wanton rowelling and whip's abuse—</div> - <div class="i3">Look at the ancients' <em>Muse</em>!</div> - <div class="i4">Look at their <em>Carmen</em>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_315" id="Page_315">[Pg 315]</a></span> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">O, Martin! how thine eye—</div> - <div class="i1">That one would think had put aside its lashes,—</div> - <div class="i4">That can't bear gashes</div> - <div class="i0">Thro' any horse's side, must ache to spy</div> - <div class="i0">That horrid window fronting Fetter Lane,—</div> - <div class="i0">For there's a nag the crows have pick'd for victual,</div> - <div class="i1">Or some man painted in a bloody vein—</div> - <div class="i3">Gods! is there no <em>Horse-spital</em>!</div> - <div class="i0">That such raw shows must sicken the humane!</div> - <div class="i4">Sure Mr. Whittle</div> - <div class="i4">Loves thee but little,</div> - <div class="i0">To let that poor horse linger in his <em>pane</em>!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">O build a Brookes's Theatre for horses!</div> - <div class="i0">O wipe away the national reproach—</div> - <div class="i1">And find a decent Vulture for their corses!</div> - <div class="i4">And in thy funeral track</div> - <div class="i0">Four sorry steeds shall follow in each coach!</div> - <div class="i1">Steeds that confess "the luxury of <em>wo</em>!"</div> - <div class="i0">True mourning steeds, in no extempore black,</div> - <div class="i4">And many a wretched hack</div> - <div class="i0">Shall sorrow for thee,—sore with kick and blow</div> - <div class="i0">And bloody gash—it is the Indian knack—</div> - <div class="i0">(Save that the savage is his own tormentor)—</div> - <div class="i0">Banting shall weep too in his sable scarf—</div> - <div class="i0">The biped woe the quadruped shall enter,</div> - <div class="i1">And Man and Horse go half and half,</div> - <div class="i0">As if their grief's met in a common <em>Centaur</em>!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<h2><a name="ODE_TO_W_KITCHENER_MD" id="ODE_TO_W_KITCHENER_MD"></a>ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D.</h2> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -<p class="stagecentre2"><em>Author of the Cook's Oracle—Observations on Vocal Music—the Art of -Invigorating and Prolonging Life—Practical Observations on Telescopes, -Opera Glasses, and Spectacles—the Housekeeper's Ledger—and the Pleasure -of Making a Will.</em></p> - -<p class="stagecenter">I rule the roast, as Milton says!—<span class="smcap">Caleb Quotem</span>.</p> - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">I.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">Hail! multifarious man!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton!</div> - <div class="i4">Born to enlighten</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_316" id="Page_316">[Pg 316]</a></span> - <div class="i0">The laws of optics, peptics, music, cooking—</div> - <div class="i0">Master of the piano—and the pan—</div> - <div class="i0">As busy with the kitchen as the skies!</div> - <div class="i4">Now looking</div> - <div class="i0">At some rich stew thro' Galileo's eyes,</div> - <div class="i0">Or boiling eggs—timed to a metronome—</div> - <div class="i4">As much at home</div> - <div class="i0">In spectacles as in mere isinglass—</div> - <div class="i0">In the art of frying brown—as a digression</div> - <div class="i0">On music and poetical expression,—</div> - <div class="i0">Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas!</div> - <div class="i0">Could tell Calliope from "Calliopee!"</div> - <div class="i3">How few there be</div> - <div class="i0">Could leave the lowest for the highest stories,</div> - <div class="i4">(Observatories,)</div> - <div class="i0">And turn, like thee, Diana's calculator,</div> - <div class="i0">However <em>cook's</em> synonymous with <em>Kater</em>!<a name="FNanchor_218_218" id="FNanchor_218_218"></a><a href="#Footnote_218_218" class="fnanchor">[218]</a></div> - <div class="i2">Alas! still let me say,</div> - <div class="i2">How few could lay</div> - <div class="i0">The carving-knife beside the tuning-fork,</div> - <div class="i0">Like the proverbial <em>Jack</em> ready for any work!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">II.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, to behold thy features in thy book!</div> - <div class="i0">Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate,</div> - <div class="i3">How it would look!</div> - <div class="i0">With one rais'd eye watching the dial's date,</div> - <div class="i0">And one upon the roast, gently cast down—</div> - <div class="i3">Thy chops—done nicely brown—</div> - <div class="i0">The garnish'd brow—with "a few leaves of bay"—</div> - <div class="i3">The hair—"done Wiggy's way!"</div> - <div class="i0">And still one studious finger near thy brains,</div> - <div class="i3">As if thou wert just come</div> - <div class="i3">From editing some</div> - <div class="i0">New soup—or hashing Dibdin's cold remains!</div> - <div class="i0">Or, Orpheus-like—fresh from thy dying strains</div> - <div class="i0">Of music—Epping luxuries of sound,</div> - <div class="i3">As Milton says, "in many a bout</div> - <div class="i3">Of linked sweetness long drawn out,"</div> - <div class="i0">Whilst all thy tame stuff'd leopards listen'd round!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">III.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal,</div> - <div class="i0">Standing like Fortune,—on the jack—thy wheel.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_317" id="Page_317">[Pg 317]</a></span> - <div class="i0">(Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes,</div> - <div class="i0">Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!)</div> - <div class="i0">Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges,</div> - <div class="i0">As tho' it were the same to sing or fry—</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, so it is—hear how Miss Paton's throat</div> - <div class="i4">Makes "fritters" of a note!</div> - <div class="i0">And is not reading near akin to feeding,</div> - <div class="i1">Or why should Oxford sausages be fit</div> - <div class="i4">Receptacles for wit?</div> - <div class="i1">Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart,</div> - <div class="i4">Minc'd brains into a tart?</div> - <div class="i0">Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts,</div> - <div class="i5">Book-treats,</div> - <div class="i0">Equally to instruct the cook and cram her—</div> - <div class="i2">Receipts to be devour'd, as well as read,</div> - <div class="i4">The culinary art in gingerbread—</div> - <div class="i3">The Kitchen's <em>Eaten</em> Grammar!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IV.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page—</div> - <div class="i1">Ay, very pleasant in its chatty vein—</div> - <div class="i1">So—in a kitchen—would have talk'd Montaigne,</div> - <div class="i0">That merry Gascon—humorist, and sage!</div> - <div class="i0">Let slender minds with single themes engage,</div> - <div class="i1">Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,—</div> - <div class="i0">Or Lovelass upon Wills,—thou goest on</div> - <div class="i0">Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson!</div> - <div class="i1">Thy brain is like a rich kaleidoscope,</div> - <div class="i0">Stuff'd with a brilliant medley of odd bits,</div> - <div class="i1">And ever shifting on from change to change,</div> - <div class="i0">Saucepans—old songs—pills—spectacles—and spits!</div> - <div class="i1">Thy range is wider than a Rumford range!</div> - <div class="i0">Thy grasp a miracle!—till I recall</div> - <div class="i0">Th' indubitable cause of thy variety—</div> - <div class="i0">Thou art, of course, th' epitome of all</div> - <div class="i0">That spying—frying—singing—mix'd Society</div> - <div class="i0">Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet</div> - <div class="i0">Welsh Rabbits—and thyself—in Warren Street!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">V.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh, hast thou still those conversazioni,</div> - <div class="i0">Where learned visitors discoursed—and fed?</div> - <div class="i5">There came Belzoni,</div> - <div class="i0">Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead—</div> - <div class="i3">And gentle Poki—and that royal pair,</div> - <div class="i3">Of whom thou didst declare—</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_318" id="Page_318">[Pg 318]</a></span> - <div class="i3">Of whom thou didst declare—</div> - <div class="i0">"Thanks to the greatest <em>Cooke</em> we ever read—</div> - <div class="i0">They were—what <em>Sandwiches</em> should be—half <em>bred</em>!"</div> - <div class="i0">There fam'd M'Adam from his manual toil</div> - <div class="i0">Relax'd—and freely own'd he took thy hints</div> - <div class="i4">On "making <em>broth</em> with <em>flints</em>"—</div> - <div class="i0">There Parry came, and show'd the polar oil</div> - <div class="i0">For melted butter—Coombe with his medullary</div> - <div class="i4">Notions about the <em>scullery</em>,</div> - <div class="i0">And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil—</div> - <div class="i0">There witty Rogers came, that punning elf!</div> - <div class="i4">Who used to swear thy book</div> - <div class="i5">Would really look</div> - <div class="i1">A <em>Delphic</em> "Oracle," if laid on <em>Delf</em>—</div> - <div class="i0">There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss'd</div> - <div class="i0">His own—and thy own—"<em>Magazine</em> of <em>Taste</em>"—</div> - <div class="i3">There Wilberforce the Just</div> - <div class="i0">Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac'd</div> - <div class="i1">Thy sly advice to <em>poachers</em> of black folks,</div> - <div class="i3">That "do not break their <em>yolks</em>,"—</div> - <div class="i0">Which huff'd him home, in grave disgust and haste!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VI.</div> - </div> <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore</div> - <div class="i0">Thy <em>patties</em>—thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore,</div> - <div class="i0">Who call'd thee <em>Kitchen Addison</em>—for why?</div> - <div class="i0">Thou givest rules for health and peptic pills,</div> - <div class="i0">Forms for made dishes, and receipts for wills,</div> - <div class="i0">"<em>Teaching us how to live and how to die!</em>"</div> - <div class="i0">There came thy cousin-cook, good Mrs. Fry—</div> - <div class="i0">There Trench, the Thames projector, first brought on</div> - <div class="i6">His sine <em>Quay</em> non,—</div> - <div class="i0">There Martin would drop in on Monday eves,</div> - <div class="i0">Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath</div> - <div class="i5">'Gainst cattle days and death,—</div> - <div class="i0">Answer'd by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves,</div> - <div class="i1">Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager</div> - <div class="i5">For fighting on soup meagre—</div> - <div class="i0">"And yet (as thou wouldst add) the French have seen</div> - <div class="i5">A Marshal <em>Tureen</em>!"</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Great was thy evening cluster!—often grac'd</div> - <div class="i0">With Dollond—Burgess—and Sir Humphry Davy!</div> - <div class="i0">'Twas there M'Dermot first inclin'd to taste,—</div> - <div class="i0">There Colburn learn'd the art of making paste</div> - <div class="i0">For puffs—and Accum analysed a gravy.</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_319" id="Page_319">[Pg 319]</a></span> - <div class="i0">For puffs—and Accum analysed a gravy.</div> - <div class="i0">Colman, the cutter of Colman Street, 'tis said</div> - <div class="i0">Came there, and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head,</div> - <div class="i0">(His claim to letters)—Kater, too, the Moon's</div> - <div class="i0">Crony,—and Graham, lofty on balloons,</div> - <div class="i0">There Croly stalk'd with holy humour heated,</div> - <div class="i0">(Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed),</div> - <div class="i2">And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ,</div> - <div class="i0">And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons,</div> - <div class="i0">Madame Valbrèque thrice honour'd thee, and came</div> - <div class="i0">With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,—</div> - <div class="i0">And even Irving spar'd a night from fame,</div> - <div class="i0">And talk'd—till thou didst stop him in the middle,</div> - <div class="i3">To serve round <em>Tewah-diddle</em>!<a name="FNanchor_219_219" id="FNanchor_219_219"></a><a href="#Footnote_219_219" class="fnanchor">[219]</a></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">VIII.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye!</div> - <div class="i0">So let them:—thou thyself art still a <em>Host</em>!</div> - <div class="i1">Dibdin—Cornaro—Newton—Mrs. Fry!</div> - <div class="i1">Mrs. Glasse—Mr. Spec!—Lovelass—and Weber,</div> - <div class="i1">Mathews in Quotem—Moore's fire-worshipping Gheber—</div> - <div class="i0">Thrice-worthy worthy! seem by thee engross'd!</div> - <div class="i0">Howbeit the peptic cook still rules the roast,</div> - <div class="i0">Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,—</div> - <div class="i0">And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion!</div> - <div class="i5">Thou art, sans question,</div> - <div class="i0">The Corporation's love—its Doctor <em>Darling</em>!</div> - <div class="i0">Look at the civic palate—nay, the bed</div> - <div class="i1">Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying</div> - <div class="i5">"Illustrations of <em>Lying!"</em></div> - <div class="i0">Ninety square feet of down from heel to head</div> - <div class="i5">It measured, and I dread</div> - <div class="i0">Was haunted by a terrible night <em>Mare</em>,</div> - <div class="i0">A monstrous burthen on the corporation!—</div> - <div class="i0">Look at the bill of fare, for one day's share,</div> - <div class="i0">Sea-turtles by the score—oxen by droves,</div> - <div class="i0">Geese, turkeys, by the flock—fishes and loaves</div> - <div class="i1">Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation</div> - <div class="i0">Was making up the huge man-mountain's ration!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10a">IX.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven</div> - <div class="i0">The squatting demon from great Garratt's breast—</div> - <div class="i5">(His honour seems to rest!—)</div> - <div class="i0">And what is thy reward?—Hath London given</div> -<span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_320" id="Page_320">[Pg 320]</a></span> - <div class="i0">Thee public thanks for thy important service?</div> - <div class="i5">Alas! not even</div> - <div class="i0">The tokens it bestow'd on Howe and Jervis!—</div> - <div class="i0">Yet could I speak as orators should speak</div> - <div class="i0">Before the worshipful the Common Council</div> - <div class="i0">(Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill),</div> - <div class="i0">Thou shouldst not miss thy freedom, for a week,</div> - <div class="i0">Richly engross'd on vellum:—Reason urges</div> - <div class="i0">That he who rules our cookery—that he</div> - <div class="i0">Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be</div> - <div class="i0">A <em>Citizen</em>, where sauce can make a <em>Burgess</em>!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - - -<p class="p1a">THE END.</p> - -<hr class="short" /> - -<p class="center">PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO.<br /> -LONDON AND EDINBURGH</p> - - -<hr class="chap" /> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_321" id="Page_321"></a></span></p> - - - - -<h2><a name="ROUTLEDGES_EXCELSIOR_SERIES" id="ROUTLEDGES_EXCELSIOR_SERIES"></a>ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES<br /> - -<span class="small70">OF STANDARD AUTHORS,</span></h2> - -<p class="p1b">Without Abridgment, Crown 8vo, 2s. each, in cloth.</p> - - -<blockquote> - -<p>1 The Wide, Wide World, by Miss Wetherell.</p> - -<p>2 Melbourne House, by Miss Wetherell.</p> - -<p>3 The Lamplighter, by Miss Cummins.</p> - -<p>4 Stepping Heavenward, and Aunt Jane's Hero, by E. 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Ingraham.</p> - -<p>16 Uncle Tom's Cabin, by Mrs. Stowe, with a Preface by the Earl of -Carlisle.</p> - -<p>17 Longfellow's Poetical Works, 726 pages, with Portrait.</p> - -<p>18 Burns's Poetical Works, with Memoir by Willmott.</p> - -<p>19 Moore's Poetical Works, with Memoir by Howitt.</p> - -<p>20 Byron's Poetical Works, Selections from Don Juan.</p> - -<p>21 Pope's Poetical Works, Edited by the Rev. H. F. Cary, with a Memoir.</p> - -<p>22 Wise Sayings of the Great and Good, with Classified Index of Subjects.</p> - -<p>23 Lover's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>24 Bret Harte's Poems.</p> - -<p>25 Mrs. Hemans' Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>26 Coleridge's Poetical Works, with Memoir by W. B. Scott.</p> - -<p>27 Dodd's Beauties of Shakspeare.</p> - -<p>28 Hood's Poetical Works, Serious and Comic. 456 pages.</p> - -<p>29 The Book of Familiar Quotations, from the Best Authors.</p> - -<p>30 Shelley's Poetical Works, with Memoir by W. B. Scott.</p> - -<p>31 Keats' Poetical Works, with Memoir by W. B. Scott.</p> - -<p>32 Shakspere Gems. Extracts, specially designed for Youth.</p> - -<p>33 The Book of Humour, Wit, and Wisdom, a Manual of Table Talk.</p> - -<p>34 E. A. Poe's Poetical Works, with Memoir by R. H. Stoddard.</p> - -<p>35 L. E. L., The Poetical Works of (Letitia Elizabeth Landon). With -Memoir by W. B. Scott.</p> - -<p>37 Sir Walter Scott's Poetical Works, with Memoir.</p> - -<p>38 Shakspere, complete, with Poems and Sonnets, edited by Charles[**broken type] -Knight.</p> - -<p>39 Cowper's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>40 Milton's Poetical Works, from the Text of Dr. Newton.</p> - -<p>41 Sacred Poems, Devotional and Moral.</p> - -<p>42 Sydney Smith's Essays, from the <cite>Edinburgh Review</cite>.</p> - -<p>43 Choice Poems and Lyrics, from 130 Poets.</p></blockquote> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_322" id="Page_322">[Pg 322]</a></span></p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>44 Cruden's Concordance to the Old and New Testament, edited by Rev. -C. S. Carey, 572 pp., 3 cols. on a page.</p> - -<p>45 Tales of a Wayside Inn, by H. W. Longfellow, complete edition.</p> - -<p>46 Dante's Inferno, translated by H. W. Longfellow, with extensive -Notes.</p> - -<p>49 Household Stories, collected by the Brothers Grimm, newly translated, -comprises nearly 200 Tales in 564 pp.</p> - -<p>50 Fairy Tales and Stories, by Hans Christian Andersen, translated by -Dr. H. W. Dulcken, 85 Tales in 575 pages.</p> - -<p>51 Foxe's Book of Martyrs, abridged from Milner's Large Edition, by -Theodore Alois Buckley.</p> - -<p>52 Sir Walter Scott's Tales of a Grandfather, being Stories taken from Scottish History, unabridged, 640 pages.</p> - -<p>53 The Boy's Own Book of Natural History, by the Rev. J. G. Wood, -M.A., 400 illustrations.</p> - -<p>54 Robinson Crusoe, with 52 plates by J. D. Watson.</p> - -<p>55 George Herbert's Works, in Prose and Verse, edited by the Rev. R. A. -Willmott.</p> - -<p>56 Gulliver's Travels into several Remote Regions of the World, by -Jonathan Swift.</p> - -<p>57 Captain Cook's Three Voyages Round the World, with a Sketch of his -Life, by Lieut. C. R. Low, 512 pages.</p> - -<p>59 Walton and Cotton's Complete Angler, with additions and notes by -the Angling Correspondent of the <cite>Illustrated London News</cite>, many -illustrations.</p> - -<p>60 Campbell's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>61 Lamb's Tales from Shakspeare.</p> - -<p>62 Comic Poets of the Nineteenth Century.</p> - -<p>63 The Arabian Night's Entertainments.</p> - -<p>64 The Adventures of Don Quixote.</p> - -<p>65 The Adventures of Gil Blas, translated by Smollett.</p> - -<p>66 Pope's Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, complete in one vol.</p> - -<p>67 Defoe's Journal of the Plague Year and Some Account of the Great -Fire in London.</p> - -<p>68 Wordsworth's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>69 Goldsmith, Smollett, Johnson, and Shenstone, in 1 vol.</p> - -<p>70 Edgeworth's Moral Tales and Popular Tales, in 1 vol.</p> - -<p>71 The Seven Champions of Christendom.</p> - -<p>72 The Pillar of Fire, by Rev. J. H. Ingraham.</p> - -<p>73 The Throne of David, by Rev. J. H. Ingraham.</p> - -<p>74 Barriers Burned Away, by the Rev. E. P. Roe.</p> - -<p>75 Southey's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>76 Chaucer's Poems.</p> - -<p>77 The Book of British Ballads, edited by S. C. Hall.</p> - -<p>78 Sandford and Merton, with 60 illustrations.</p> - -<p>79 The Swiss Family Robinson, with 60 illustrations.</p> - -<p>80 Todd's Student's Manual.</p> - -<p>81 Hawker's Morning Portion.</p> - -<p>82 Hawker's Evening Portion.</p> - -<p>83 Holmes' (O. W.) Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>84 Evenings at Home, with 60 illustrations.</p> - -<p>85 Opening a Chestnut Burr, by the Rev. E. P. Roe.</p> - -<p>86 What can She do? by the Rev. E. P. Roe.</p> - -<p>87 Lowell's Poetical Works.</p> - -<p>88 Sir Edward Seaward's Narrative of his Shipwreck.</p> - -<p>89 Robin Hood Ballads, edited by Ritson.</p></blockquote> - -<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_323" id="Page_323"></a></span></p> - - -<hr class="tb" /> - -<h2>ROUTLEDGE'S STANDARD LIBRARY,</h2> - -<p class="p1b">Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d. each.</p> - -<blockquote><p>1 The Arabian Nights, Unabridged, 8 plates.</p> -<p>2 Don Quixote, Unabridged.</p> -<p>3 Gil Blas, Adventures of, Unabridged.</p> -<p>4 Curiosities of Literature, by Isaac D'Israeli, Complete Edition.</p> -<p>5 A Thousand and One Gems of British Poetry.</p> -<p>6 The Blackfriars Shakspere, edited by Charles Knight.</p> -<p>7 Cruden's Concordance, by Carey.</p> -<p>8 Boswell's Life of Dr. Johnson.</p> -<p>9 The Works of Oliver Goldsmith.</p> -<p>11 The Family Doctor, 500 woodcuts.</p> -<p>12 Sterne's Works, Complete.</p> -<p>13 Ten Thousand Wonderful Things.</p> -<p>14 Extraordinary Popular Delusions, by Dr. Mackay.</p> -<p>16 Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.</p> -<p>17 The Spectator, by Addison, &c. Unabridged.</p> -<p>18 Routledge's Modern Speaker—Comic—Serious—Dramatic.</p> -<p>19 One Thousand and One Gems of Prose, edited by C. Mackay.</p> -<p>20 Pope's Homer's Iliad and Odyssey.</p> -<p>23 Josephus, translated by Whiston.</p> -<p>24 Book of Proverbs, Phrases, Quotations, and Mottoes.</p> -<p>25 The Book of Modern Anecdotes—Theatrical, Legal, and American.</p> -<p>26 Book of Table Talk, W. C. Russell.</p> -<p>27 Junius, Woodfall's edition.</p> -<p>28 Charles Lamb's Works.</p> -<p>29 Froissart's Chronicles.</p> -<p>30 D'Aubigne's Story of the Reformation.</p> -<p>31 A History of England, by the Rev. James White.</p> -<p>32 Macaulay—Selected Essays, Miscellaneous Writings.</p> -<p>33 Carleton's Traits, 1st series.</p> -<p>34 —— as it represents "Carleton's Traits"] 2nd series.</p> -<p>35 Essays by Sydney Smith.</p> -<p>36 Dante. Longfellow's translation.</p> -<p>51 Prescott's Biographical and Critical Essays.</p> -<p>52 Napier's History of the Peninsular War, 1807-10. 53——1810-12.</p> -<p>54 White's Natural History of Selborne, with many illustrations.</p> -<p>55 Dean Milman's History of the Jews.</p> -<p>56 Percy's Reliques of Ancient Poetry.</p> -<p>57 Chaucer's Poetical Works.</p> -<p>58 Longfellow's Prose Works.</p> -<p>59 Spenser's Poetical Works.</p> -<p>60 Asmodeus, by Le Sage.</p> -<p>61 Book of British Ballads, S. C. Hall.</p> -<p>62 Plutarch's Lives (Langhorne's ed.)</p> -<p>64 Book of Epigrams, W. D. Adams.</p> -<p>65 Longfellow's Poems (Comp. ed.)</p> -<p>66 Lempriere's Classical Dictionary.</p> -<p>67 Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations.</p> -<p>68 Father Prout's Works, edited by C. Kent.</p> -<p>69 Carleton's Traits and Stories. <em>Complete in one volume.</em></p> -<p>70 Walker's Rhyming Dictionary.</p> -<p>71 Macfarlane's Hist. of British India.</p> -<p>72 Defoe's Journal of the Plague and the Great Fire of London, with illustrations on steel by George Cruikshank.</p> -<p>73 Glimpses of the Past, by C. Knight.</p> -<p>74 Michaud's History of the Crusades, vol. 1.</p> -<p>75 —— vol. 2. 76 —— vol. 3.</p> -<p>77 A Thousand and One Gems of Song, edited by C. Mackay.</p> -<p>78 Motley's Rise of the Dutch Republic.</p> -<p>79 Prescott's Ferdinand and Isabella. Complete.</p> -<p>80 —— Conquest of Mexico. Comp.</p> -<p>81 —— Conquest of Peru. Comp.</p> -<p>82 —— Charles the Fifth.</p> -<p>83 —— Philip the Second. Vols. 1 and 2 in 1 vol.</p> -<p>84 —— Vol. 3 and Essays in 1 vol.</p> -<p>85 Jeremy Taylor's Life of Christ.</p> -<p>86 Traditions of Lancashire, by John Roby, vol. 1. 87 —— vol. 2.</p> -<p>88 "The Breakfast Table Series"—The Autocrat—The Professor—The Poet—by Oliver Wendell Holmes, with steel portrait.</p> -<p>89 Romaine's Life, Walk, and Triumph of Faith.</p> -<p>90 Napier's History of the Peninsular War, 1812-14.</p> -<p>91 Hawker's Poor Man's Daily Portion.</p> -<p>92 Chevreul on Colour, with 8 coloured plates.</p> -<p>93 Shakspere, edited by C. Knight, large type edition, with full-page illustrations, vol. 1.</p> -<p>94 —— vol. 2. 95 —— vol. 3.</p> -<p>96 The Spectator, large type ed., vol. 1.</p> -<p>97 —— vol. 2. 98 —— vol. 3.</p> -<p>99 R. W. Emerson's Complete Works.</p> -<p>100 Boswell's Life of Johnson and Tour to the Hebrides, vol. 1.</p> -<p>101 —— vol. 2. 102 —— vol. 3.</p> -<p>103 S. Knowles' Dramatic Works.</p> -<p>104 Roscoe's (W.) Lorenzo de Medici.</p> -<p>105 —— (W.) Life of Leo X., vol. 1.</p> -<p>106 —— vol. 2.</p> -<p>107 Berington's Literary History of the Middle Ages.</p> -</blockquote> - - - -<div class="footnotes"> -<h5>FOOTNOTES:</h5> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_1_1" id="Footnote_1_1"></a><a href="#FNanchor_1_1"><span class="label">[1]</span></a> The usual language of the Honourable Edward Howard, Esq., at the -rehearsal of his plays.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_2_2" id="Footnote_2_2"></a><a href="#FNanchor_2_2"><span class="label">[2]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">He who writ this, not without pain and thought,</div> - <div class="i0">From French and English theatres has brought</div> - <div class="i0">Th' exactest rules, by which a play is wrought.</div> - <div class="i0">The unity of action, place, and time;</div> - <div class="i0">The scenes unbroken; and a mingled chime,</div> - <div class="i0">Of Johnson's humour, with Corneille's rhyme.</div> - <div class="i12"><cite>Prologue to the Maiden Queen.</cite></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_3_3" id="Footnote_3_3"></a><a href="#FNanchor_3_3"><span class="label">[3]</span></a> See the two prologues to the "Maiden Queen."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_4_4" id="Footnote_4_4"></a><a href="#FNanchor_4_4"><span class="label">[4]</span></a> There were printed papers given the audience before the acting the -"Indian Emperor;" telling them that it was the sequel of the "Indian -Queen," part of which play was written by Mr. Bayes, &c.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_5_5" id="Footnote_5_5"></a><a href="#FNanchor_5_5"><span class="label">[5]</span></a> "Persons, egad, I vow to Gad, and all that," is the constant style of -Failer in the "Wild Gallant:" for which, take this short speech, instead of -many:</p> - -<p>"<i class="personae">Failer.</i> Really, madam, I look upon you, as a person of such worth, and -all that, that I vow to Gad, I honour you of all persons in the world; and -tho' I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, madam, -yet for a person of your worth and excellency I would," &c.—"Wild -Gallant," p. 8.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_6_6" id="Footnote_6_6"></a><a href="#FNanchor_6_6"><span class="label">[6]</span></a> He contracted with the King's company of actors, in the year 1668, for -a whole share, to write them four plays a year.</p></div> - - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_7_7" id="Footnote_7_7"></a><a href="#FNanchor_7_7"><span class="label">[7]</span></a> In ridicule of this:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"So two kind turtles, when a storm is nigh,</div> - <div class="i0">Look up, and see it gathering in the sky;</div> - <div class="i0">Each calls his mate to shelter in the groves,</div> - <div class="i0">Leaving, in murmurs, their unfinish'd loves;</div> - <div class="i0">Perch'd on some dropping branch, they sit alone,</div> - <div class="i0">And coo, and hearken to each other's moan."</div> - <div class="i10">"Conquest of Granada," Part ii. p. 48.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_8_8" id="Footnote_8_8"></a><a href="#FNanchor_8_8"><span class="label">[8]</span></a> "I am the evening dark as night."—"Slighted Maid," p. 49.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_9_9" id="Footnote_9_9"></a><a href="#FNanchor_9_9"><span class="label">[9]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Let the men 'ware the ditches.</div> - <div class="i0">Maids look to their breeches,</div> - <div class="i0">We'll scratch them with briars and thistles."—"Slighted Maid," p. 49.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_10_10" id="Footnote_10_10"></a><a href="#FNanchor_10_10"><span class="label">[10]</span></a> Abraham Ivory had formerly been a considerable actor of women's -parts; but afterwards stupefied himself so far, with drinking strong waters, -that, before the first acting of this farce, he was fit for nothing but to go of -errands; for which, and mere charity, the company allowed him a weekly -salary.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_11_11" id="Footnote_11_11"></a><a href="#FNanchor_11_11"><span class="label">[11]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Drake, Sen.</i> "Draw up our men;</div> - <div class="i6">And in low whispers give our orders out."</div> - <div class="i12">"Play House to be Let," p. 100.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>See the "Amorous Prince," pp. 20, 22, 39, 69, where all the chief commands, -and directions, are given in whispers.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_12_12" id="Footnote_12_12"></a><a href="#FNanchor_12_12"><span class="label">[12]</span></a> Mr. William Wintershull was a most excellent, judicious actor; and -the best instructor of others; he died in July, 1679.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_13_13" id="Footnote_13_13"></a><a href="#FNanchor_13_13"><span class="label">[13]</span></a> He was a great taker of snuff; and made most of it himself.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_14_14" id="Footnote_14_14"></a><a href="#FNanchor_14_14"><span class="label">[14]</span></a> "The Lost Lady," by Sir Robert Stapleton.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_15_15" id="Footnote_15_15"></a><a href="#FNanchor_15_15"><span class="label">[15]</span></a> Compare this with Prince Leonidas in "Marriage A-la-mode."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_16_16" id="Footnote_16_16"></a><a href="#FNanchor_16_16"><span class="label">[16]</span></a> In imitation of this passage:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"As some fair tulip, by a storm opprest,</div> - <div class="i0">Shrinks up, and folds its silken arms to rest;</div> - <div class="i0">And, bending to the blast, all pale, and dead,</div> - <div class="i0">Hears from within the wind sing round its head:</div> - <div class="i0">So shrouded up your beauty disappears;</div> - <div class="i0">Unveil, my love, and lay aside your fears:</div> - <div class="i0">The storm, that caus'd your fright, is past and gone."</div> - <div class="i11">"Conquest of Granada," Part i. p. 55.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_17_17" id="Footnote_17_17"></a><a href="#FNanchor_17_17"><span class="label">[17]</span></a> Such easy turns of state are frequent in our modern plays; where we -see princes dethroned, and governments changed, by very feeble means, and -on slight occasions: particularly in "Marriage A-la-mode;" a play writ -since the first publication of this farce. Where (to pass by the dulness of -the state-part, the obscurity of the comic, the near resemblance Leonidas -bears to our Prince Prettyman, being sometimes a king's son, sometimes a -shepherd's; and not to question how Amalthea comes to be a princess, her -brother, the king's great favourite, being but a lord) it is worth our while to -observe, how easily the fierce and jealous usurper is deposed, and the right -heir placed on the throne; and it is thus related by the said imaginary -princess:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Amalth.</i> Oh, gentlemen! if you have loyalty,</div> - <div class="i5">Or courage, show it now. Leonidas,</div> - <div class="i5">Broke on a sudden from his guards, and snatching</div> - <div class="i5">A sword from one, his back against the scaffold,</div> - <div class="i5">Bravely defends himself; and owns aloud</div> - <div class="i5">He is our long lost king, found for this moment;</div> - <div class="i5">But, if your valours help not, lost for ever.</div> - <div class="i5">Two of his guards mov'd by the sense of virtue,</div> - <div class="i5">Are turn'd for him; and there they stand at bay,</div> - <div class="i5">Against a host of foes."—"Marriage A-la-mode," p. 61.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This shows Mr. Bayes to be a man of constancy, and firm to his resolution, -and not to be laughed out of his own method; agreeable to what he says in -the next act: "As long as I know my things are good, what care I what -they say?"</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_18_18" id="Footnote_18_18"></a><a href="#FNanchor_18_18"><span class="label">[18]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I know not what to say, or what to think!</div> - <div class="i0">I know not when I sleep, or when I wake!"—</div> - <div class="i12">"Love and Friendship," p. 46.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My doubts and fears my reason do dismay:</div> - <div class="i0">I know not what to do, or what to say."—"Pandora," p. 46.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_19_19" id="Footnote_19_19"></a><a href="#FNanchor_19_19"><span class="label">[19]</span></a> Prince Prettyman and Tom Thimble; Failer, and Bibber his tailor, in -the "Wild Gallant," pp. 5, 6.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_20_20" id="Footnote_20_20"></a><a href="#FNanchor_20_20"><span class="label">[20]</span></a> "Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste. The courtiers are not so -forward to pay their debts."—"Wild Gallant," p. 9.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_21_21" id="Footnote_21_21"></a><a href="#FNanchor_21_21"><span class="label">[21]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Take a little Bibber,</div> - <div class="i0">And throw him in the river;</div> - <div class="i0">And if he will trust never,</div> - <div class="i0">Then there let him lie ever.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Bibber.</i> Then say I,</div> - <div class="i0">Take a little Failer,</div> - <div class="i0">And throw him to the jailer,</div> - <div class="i0">And there let him lie</div> - <div class="i0">Till he has paid his tailor."—"Wild Gallant," p. 12.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_22_22" id="Footnote_22_22"></a><a href="#FNanchor_22_22"><span class="label">[22]</span></a> A great word with Mr. Edward Howard.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_23_23" id="Footnote_23_23"></a><a href="#FNanchor_23_23"><span class="label">[23]</span></a> In imitation of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"On seas, and in battles, through bullets and fire,</div> - <div class="i0">The danger is less, than in hopeless desire;</div> - <div class="i0">My death's wound you gave me, tho' far off I bear</div> - <div class="i0">My fall from your sight, not to cost you a tear:</div> - <div class="i0">But if the kind flood on a wave would convey,</div> - <div class="i0">And under your window my body would lay;</div> - <div class="i0">When the wound on my breast you happen to see,</div> - <div class="i0">You'll say with a sigh, it was given by me."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This is the latter part of a song, made by Mr. Bayes on the death of -Captain Digby, son of George, Earl of Bristol, who was a passionate admirer -of the Duchess Dowager of Richmond, called by the author Armida. He -lost his life in a sea-fight against the Dutch, the 28th of May, 1672.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_24_24" id="Footnote_24_24"></a><a href="#FNanchor_24_24"><span class="label">[24]</span></a> Mr. Edward Howard's words.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_25_25" id="Footnote_25_25"></a><a href="#FNanchor_25_25"><span class="label">[25]</span></a> See the two kings in "The Conquest of Granada."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_26_26" id="Footnote_26_26"></a><a href="#FNanchor_26_26"><span class="label">[26]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Albert.</i> Curtius. I've something to deliver to your ear.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Cur.</i> Anything from Alberto is welcome."—"Amorous Prince," p. 39.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_27_27" id="Footnote_27_27"></a><a href="#FNanchor_27_27"><span class="label">[27]</span></a> See the Prince in "Marriage A-la-mode."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_28_28" id="Footnote_28_28"></a><a href="#FNanchor_28_28"><span class="label">[28]</span></a> "Let my horses be brought ready to the door, for I'll go out of town this -evening.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">Into the country I'll with speed,</div> - <div class="i0">With hounds and hawks my fancy feed, &c.</div> - <div class="i0">Now I'll away, a country life</div> - <div class="i0">Shall be my mistress, and my wife."</div> - <div class="i9">"English Monsieur," pp. 36, 38, 39.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_29_29" id="Footnote_29_29"></a><a href="#FNanchor_29_29"><span class="label">[29]</span></a> "And what's this maid's name?"—"English Monsieur," p. 40.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_30_30" id="Footnote_30_30"></a><a href="#FNanchor_30_30"><span class="label">[30]</span></a> "I bring the morning pictur'd in a cloud."—"Siege of Rhodes," part i. -p. 10.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_31_31" id="Footnote_31_31"></a><a href="#FNanchor_31_31"><span class="label">[31]</span></a> "Mr. Comely in love."—"English Monsieur," p. 49.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_32_32" id="Footnote_32_32"></a><a href="#FNanchor_32_32"><span class="label">[32]</span></a> Sir William D'Avenant's play of "Love and Honour."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_33_33" id="Footnote_33_33"></a><a href="#FNanchor_33_33"><span class="label">[33]</span></a> "But honours says not so."—"Siege of Rhodes," part i. p. 19.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_34_34" id="Footnote_34_34"></a><a href="#FNanchor_34_34"><span class="label">[34]</span></a> "Love in a Nunnery," p. 34.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_35_35" id="Footnote_35_35"></a><a href="#FNanchor_35_35"><span class="label">[35]</span></a> Col. Henry Howard, son of Thomas, Earl of Berkshire, made a play -called the "United Kingdoms," which began with a funeral; and had also -two kings in it. This gave the duke a just occasion to set up two kings in -Brentford, as it is generally believed; tho' others are of opinion, that his -grace had our two brothers, King Charles and the Duke of York, in his -thoughts. It was acted at the Cockpit, in Drury Lane, soon after the -Restoration; but miscarrying on the stage, the author had the modesty not -to print it; and therefore, the reader cannot reasonably expect any particular -passages of it. Others say, that they are Boabdelin and Abdalla, the -two contending kings of Granada; and Mr. Dryden has, in most of his -serious plays, two contending kings of the same place.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_36_36" id="Footnote_36_36"></a><a href="#FNanchor_36_36"><span class="label">[36]</span></a> "Conquest of Granada," in two parts.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_37_37" id="Footnote_37_37"></a><a href="#FNanchor_37_37"><span class="label">[37]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"On seas I bore thee, and on seas I died,</div> - <div class="i0">I died: and for a winding-sheet, a wave</div> - <div class="i0">I had; and all the ocean for my grave."</div> - <div class="i0">"Conquest of Granada," part ii. p. 113.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_38_38" id="Footnote_38_38"></a><a href="#FNanchor_38_38"><span class="label">[38]</span></a> Almanzor in the "Conquest of Granada."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_39_39" id="Footnote_39_39"></a><a href="#FNanchor_39_39"><span class="label">[39]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My earthly part,</div> - <div class="i0">Which is my tyrant's right, death will remove;</div> - <div class="i0">I'll come all soul and spirit to your love.</div> - <div class="i0">With silent steps I'll follow you all day;</div> - <div class="i0">Or else before you in the sunbeams play.</div> - <div class="i0">I'll lead you hence to melancholy groves,</div> - <div class="i0">And there repeat the scenes of our past loves;</div> - <div class="i0">At night, I will within your curtains peep,</div> - <div class="i0">With empty arms embrace you, while you sleep.</div> - <div class="i0">In gentle dreams I often will be by,</div> - <div class="i0">And sweep along before your closing eye.</div> - <div class="i0">All dangers from your bed I will remove;</div> - <div class="i0">But guard it most from any future love.</div> - <div class="i0">And when at last in pity you will die,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll watch your birth of immortality:</div> - <div class="i0">Then, turtle like, I'll to my mate repair,</div> - <div class="i0">And teach you your first flight in open air."—"Tyrannic Love," p. 25.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_40_40" id="Footnote_40_40"></a><a href="#FNanchor_40_40"><span class="label">[40]</span></a> See the scene in the "Villain." Where the host furnishes his guests -with a collation out of his clothes; a capon from his helmet, a tansey out of -the lining of his cap, cream out of his scabbard, &c.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_41_41" id="Footnote_41_41"></a><a href="#FNanchor_41_41"><span class="label">[41]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Almah.</i> Who dares to interrupt my private walk?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Alman.</i> He who dares love, and for that love must die;</div> - <div class="i4">And, knowing this, dares yet love on, am I."</div> - <div class="i13">"Granada," part ii. pp. 114, 115.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_42_42" id="Footnote_42_42"></a><a href="#FNanchor_42_42"><span class="label">[42]</span></a> It was at first, "dares die."—<em>Ibid.</em></p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_43_43" id="Footnote_43_43"></a><a href="#FNanchor_43_43"><span class="label">[43]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Alman.</i> I would not now, if thou wouldst beg me, stay;</div> - <div class="i4">But I will take my Almahide away."—"Conquest of Granada," p. 32.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_44_44" id="Footnote_44_44"></a><a href="#FNanchor_44_44"><span class="label">[44]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Alman.</i> Thou dar'st not marry her, while I'm in sight;</div> - <div class="i4">With a bent brow, thy priest and thee I'll fright:</div> - <div class="i4">And, in that scene, which all thy hopes and wishes should content,</div> - <div class="i4">The thoughts of me shall make thee impotent."—<em>Ibid.</em> p. 5.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_45_45" id="Footnote_45_45"></a><a href="#FNanchor_45_45"><span class="label">[45]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair;</div> - <div class="i0">And all this I can do, because I dare."—"Tyrannic Love," part ii. p. 89.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_46_46" id="Footnote_46_46"></a><a href="#FNanchor_46_46"><span class="label">[46]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Max.</i> Thou liest. There's not a god inhabits there,</div> - <div class="i4">But, for this Christian, would all heaven forswear:</div> - <div class="i4">Even Jove would try new shapes her love to win,</div> - <div class="i4">And in new birds, and unknown beasts would sin;</div> - <div class="i4">At least, if Jove could love like Maximin."—</div> - <div class="i13">"Tyrannic Love," p. 17.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_47_47" id="Footnote_47_47"></a><a href="#FNanchor_47_47"><span class="label">[47]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Some god now, if he dare relate what pass'd;</div> - <div class="i0">Say, but he's dead, that god shall mortal be."—<em>Ibid.</em> p. 7.</div> - <div class="i0">"Provoke my rage no farther, lest I be</div> - <div class="i0">Reveng'd at once upon the gods, and thee."—<em>Ibid.</em> p. 8.</div> - <div class="i0">"What had the gods to do with me, or mine."—<em>Ibid.</em> p. 57.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_48_48" id="Footnote_48_48"></a><a href="#FNanchor_48_48"><span class="label">[48]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Poets, like lovers, should be bold, and dare;</div> - <div class="i0">They spoil their business with an over-care:</div> - <div class="i0">And he, who servilely creeps after sense,</div> - <div class="i0">Is safe; but ne'er can reach to excellence."—</div> - <div class="i11">"Prologue to Tyrannic Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_49_49" id="Footnote_49_49"></a><a href="#FNanchor_49_49"><span class="label">[49]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"What various noises do my ears invade;</div> - <div class="i0">And have a concert of confusion made?"—"Siege of Rhodes," p. 4.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_50_50" id="Footnote_50_50"></a><a href="#FNanchor_50_50"><span class="label">[50]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Naker.</i> Hark, my Damilcar, we are call'd below.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> Let us go, let us go:</div> - <div class="i4">Go to relieve the care,</div> - <div class="i4">Of longing lovers in despair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Naker.</i> Merry, merry, merry, we sail from the east,</div> - <div class="i4">Half tippled at a rainbow feast.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> In the bright moonshine, while winds whistle loud,</div> - <div class="i4">Tivy, tivy, tivy, we mount and we fly,</div> - <div class="i4">All racking along in a downy white cloud;</div> - <div class="i4">And lest our leap from the sky should prove too far,</div> - <div class="i4">We slide on the back of a new-falling star.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Naker.</i> And drop from above,</div> - <div class="i4">In a jelly of love.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> But now the sun's down, and the element's red,</div> - <div class="i4">The spirits of fire against us make head.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Naker.</i> They muster, they muster, like gnats in the air:</div> - <div class="i4">Alas! I must leave thee, my fair;</div> - <div class="i4">And to my light-horsemen repair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> O stay! for you need not to fear 'em to-night;</div> - <div class="i4">The wind is for us, and blows full in their sight:</div> - <div class="i4">And o'er the wide ocean we fight.</div> - <div class="i4">Like leaves in the autumn, our foes will fall down,</div> - <div class="i4">And hiss in the water....</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Both.</i> And hiss in the water, and drown.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Naker.</i> But their men lie securely intrench'd in a cloud,</div> - <div class="i4">And a trumpeter-hornet to battle sounds loud.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> Now mortals that spy</div> - <div class="i4">How we tilt in the sky,</div> - <div class="i4">With wonder will gaze;</div> - <div class="i4">And fear such events as will ne'er come to pass.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Naker.</i> Stay you to perform what the man will have done.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Dam.</i> Then call me again when the battle is won.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Both.</i> So ready and quick is a spirit of air,</div> - <div class="i4">To pity the lover, and succour the fair,</div> - <div class="i4">That silent and swift, that little soft god,</div> - <div class="i4">Is here with a wish, and is gone with a nod."—</div> - <div class="i13">"Tyrannic Love," pp. 24, 25.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_51_51" id="Footnote_51_51"></a><a href="#FNanchor_51_51"><span class="label">[51]</span></a> See "Tyrannic Love," act iv. sc. 1.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_52_52" id="Footnote_52_52"></a><a href="#FNanchor_52_52"><span class="label">[52]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"What new misfortunes do these cries presage?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">1st Mess.</i> Haste all you can, their fury to assuage:</div> - <div class="i5">You are not safe from their rebellious rage.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">2nd Mess.</i> This minute, if you grant not their desire,</div> - <div class="i5">They'll seize your person, and your palace fire."—</div> - <div class="i13">"Granada," part ii. p. 71.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_53_53" id="Footnote_53_53"></a><a href="#FNanchor_53_53"><span class="label">[53]</span></a> "Aglaura," and the "Vestal Virgin," are so contrived by a little alteration -towards the latter end of them, that they have been acted both ways, either -as tragedies or comedies.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_54_54" id="Footnote_54_54"></a><a href="#FNanchor_54_54"><span class="label">[54]</span></a> There needs nothing more to explain the meaning of this battle, than -the perusal of the first part of the "Siege of Rhodes," which was performed -in recitative music, by seven persons only: and the passage out of the -"Playhouse to be Let."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_55_55" id="Footnote_55_55"></a><a href="#FNanchor_55_55"><span class="label">[55]</span></a> The "Siege of Rhodes" begins thus:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Admiral.</i> Arm, arm, Valerius, arm."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_56_56" id="Footnote_56_56"></a><a href="#FNanchor_56_56"><span class="label">[56]</span></a> The third entry thus:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Solym.</i> Pyrrhus, draw down our army wide;</div> - <div class="i4">Then, from the gross, two strong reserves divide,</div> - <div class="i4">And spread the wings,</div> - <div class="i4">As if we were to fight,</div> - <div class="i4">In the lost Rhodians' sight,</div> - <div class="i4">With all the western kings.</div> - <div class="i4">Each with Janizaries line;</div> - <div class="i4">The right and left to Haly's sons assign;</div> - <div class="i4">The gross, to Zangiban;</div> - <div class="i4">The main artillery</div> - <div class="i4">To Mustapha shall be:</div> - <div class="i4">Bring thou the rear, we lead the van."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_57_57" id="Footnote_57_57"></a><a href="#FNanchor_57_57"><span class="label">[57]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"More pikes! more pikes! to reinforce</div> - <div class="i0">That squadron, and repulse the horse."—"Playhouse to be Let," p. 72.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_58_58" id="Footnote_58_58"></a><a href="#FNanchor_58_58"><span class="label">[58]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"Point all the cannon, and play fast;</div> - <div class="i3">Their fury is too hot to last.</div> - <div class="i3">That rampire shakes; they fly into the town.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pyr.</i> March up with those reserves to that redoubt;</div> - <div class="i3">Faint slaves, the Janizaries reel!</div> - <div class="i3">They bend! they bend! and seem to feel</div> - <div class="i3">The terrors of a rout.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Must.</i> Old Zanger halts, and reinforcement lacks.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Pyr.</i> March on!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Must.</i> Advance those pikes, and charge their backs."—"Siege of Rhodes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_59_59" id="Footnote_59_59"></a><a href="#FNanchor_59_59"><span class="label">[59]</span></a> In ridicule of this:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">"Phœb.</i> Who calls the world's great light!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Aur.</i> Aurora, that abhors the night.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><i class="personae">Phœb.</i> Why does Aurora, from her cloud,</div> - <div class="i4">To drowsy Phœbus cry so loud?"—</div> - <div class="i13">"Slighted Maid," p. 8.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_60_60" id="Footnote_60_60"></a><a href="#FNanchor_60_60"><span class="label">[60]</span></a> "The burning mount Vesuvio."—"Slighted Maid," p. 81.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_61_61" id="Footnote_61_61"></a><a href="#FNanchor_61_61"><span class="label">[61]</span></a> "Drink, drink wine, Lippara wine."—<em>Ibid.</em></p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_62_62" id="Footnote_62_62"></a><a href="#FNanchor_62_62"><span class="label">[62]</span></a> Valeria, daughter to Maximin, having killed herself for the love of -Porphyrius; when she was to be carried off by the bearers, strikes one of -them a box on the ear, and speaks to him thus:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Hold, are you mad, confounded dog?</div> - <div class="i0">I am to rise, and speak the epilogue."—"Tyrannic Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_63_63" id="Footnote_63_63"></a><a href="#FNanchor_63_63"><span class="label">[63]</span></a> Two noted alehouses in Oxford, 1700.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_64_64" id="Footnote_64_64"></a><a href="#FNanchor_64_64"><span class="label">[64]</span></a> The cat ran away with this part of the copy, on which the Author had -unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump's sausages.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_65_65" id="Footnote_65_65"></a><a href="#FNanchor_65_65"><span class="label">[65]</span></a> Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to fix the -action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers have understood -to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, or what we generally -call a fine summer's day: so that, according to this their exposition, the -same months are proper for tragedy which are proper for pastoral. Most of -our celebrated English tragedies, as Cato, Mariamne, Tamerlane, &c., -begin with their observations on the morning. Lee seems to have come the -nearest to this beautiful description of our author's:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson,</div> - <div class="i0">The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds</div> - <div class="i0">Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends</div> - <div class="i0">The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness:</div> - <div class="i0">All nature smiles."—"Cæs. Borg."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Massinissa, in the new Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i8">"The sun too seems</div> - <div class="i0">As conscious of my joy, with broader eye</div> - <div class="i0">To look abroad the world, and all things smile</div> - <div class="i0">Like Sophonisba."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he -may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">"The morning rises slow,</div> - <div class="i0">And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint</div> - <div class="i0">The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if</div> - <div class="i0">The horrors of the night had sent 'em back,</div> - <div class="i0">To warn the sun he should not leave the sea,</div> - <div class="i0">To peep," &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_66_66" id="Footnote_66_66"></a><a href="#FNanchor_66_66"><span class="label">[66]</span></a> This line is highly conformable to the beautiful simplicity of the ancients. -It hath been copied by almost every modern:—</p> - -<blockquote> - -<p>"Not to be is not to be in woe."—"State of Innocence."</p> - -<p>"Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love."—"Don Sebastian."</p> - -<p>"Nature is nature, Lælius."—"Sophonisba."</p> - -<p>"Men are but men, we did not make ourselves."—"Revenge."</p></blockquote> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_67_67" id="Footnote_67_67"></a><a href="#FNanchor_67_67"><span class="label">[67]</span></a> Dr. B—y reads. The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr. D—s, The -mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr. T—d reads, Thundering. I think -Thomas more agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_68_68" id="Footnote_68_68"></a><a href="#FNanchor_68_68"><span class="label">[68]</span></a> That learned historian Mr. S—n, in the third number of his criticism -on our author, takes great pains to explode this passage. "It is," says he, -"difficult to guess what giants are here meant, unless the giant Despair in -the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' or the giant Greatness in the 'Royal Villain;' -for I have heard of no other sort of giants in the reign of king Arthur." -Petrus Burmannus makes three Tom Thumbs, one whereof he supposes to -have been the same person whom the Greeks call Hercules; and that by -these giants are to be understood the Centaurs slain by that hero. Another -Tom Thumb he contends to have been no other than the Hermes Trismegistus -of the ancients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the reign of -king Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of the other -two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is supported -by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non alium -quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose one line -of Mr. Midwinter against them all:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>"But then," says Dr. B—y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of -king Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no -giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his "Fairy Queen," is of another -opinion, where, describing Albion, he says:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"Far within a savage nation dwelt</div> - <div class="i0">Of hideous gants."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And in the same canto:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had</div> - <div class="i0">The one of which had two heads—</div> - <div class="i8">The other three."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Risum teneatis, amici.</p> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_69_69" id="Footnote_69_69"></a><a href="#FNanchor_69_69"><span class="label">[69]</span></a> "To whisper in books," says Mr. D—s, "is arrant nonsense." I -am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the extensive -meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood what is meant -by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian Princess, or what -"whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like thunder in another author, -he would have understood this. Emmeline in Dryden sees a voice, but she -was born blind, which is an excuse Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, who -hears a sight:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"Your description will surpass</div> - <div class="i0">All fiction, painting, or dumb show of horror,</div> - <div class="i0">That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>When Mr. D—s understands these, he will understand whispering in -books.</p> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_70_70" id="Footnote_70_70"></a><a href="#FNanchor_70_70"><span class="label">[70]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Some ruffian stept into his father's place,</div> - <div class="i0">And more than half begot him."—"Mary Queen of Scots."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_71_71" id="Footnote_71_71"></a><a href="#FNanchor_71_71"><span class="label">[71]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven,</div> - <div class="i0">To civilize this rugged Indian clime."—"Lib. Asserted."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_72_72" id="Footnote_72_72"></a><a href="#FNanchor_72_72"><span class="label">[72]</span></a> "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se majus continere -potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would have cavilled -at these beautiful lines in the "Earl of Essex:"</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"Thy most inveterate soul,</div> - <div class="i0">That looks through the foul prison of thy body."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And at those of Dryden:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The palace is without too well design'd;</div> - <div class="i0">Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind."—"Aurengzebe."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_73_73" id="Footnote_73_73"></a><a href="#FNanchor_73_73"><span class="label">[73]</span></a> Mr. Banks hath copied this almost verbatim:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"It was enough to say, here's Essex come,</div> - <div class="i0">And nurses still'd their children with the fright."—"Earl of Essex."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_74_74" id="Footnote_74_74"></a><a href="#FNanchor_74_74"><span class="label">[74]</span></a> The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say: Enter king, -which makes Mr. Banks, in one of his plays, call it the trumpet's formal -sound.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_75_75" id="Footnote_75_75"></a><a href="#FNanchor_75_75"><span class="label">[75]</span></a> Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted with king -Arthur:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Proclaim a festival for seven days' space,</div> - <div class="i0">Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre,</div> - <div class="i0">Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy;</div> - <div class="i0">Let music's care-dispelling voice be heard;</div> - <div class="i0">The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet</div> - <div class="i0">Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness.</div> - <div class="i0">Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_76_76" id="Footnote_76_76"></a><a href="#FNanchor_76_76"><span class="label">[76]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow."—"Sophonisba."</div> - <div class="i0">"Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair."—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i11">"A sullen gloom</div> - <div class="i5">Scowls on his brow."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_77_77" id="Footnote_77_77"></a><a href="#FNanchor_77_77"><span class="label">[77]</span></a> Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr. Banks:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy."—"Earl of Essex."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_78_78" id="Footnote_78_78"></a><a href="#FNanchor_78_78"><span class="label">[78]</span></a> These floods are very frequent in the tragic authors:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down,</div> - <div class="i0">Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow,</div> - <div class="i0">My tears shall swell them up till I will drown."—Lee's "Soph."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate,</div> - <div class="i0">That were the world on fire they might have drown'd</div> - <div class="i0">The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin."—"Mithridates."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"These tears, that sprung from tides of grief,</div> - <div class="i0">Are now augmented to a flood of joy."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Another:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow</div> - <div class="i0">In pity's channel."—"Royal Villain."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>One drowns himself:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"Pity like a torrent pours me down,</div> - <div class="i0">Now I am drowning all within a deluge."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Cyrus drowns the whole world:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Our swelling grief</div> - <div class="i0">Shall melt into a deluge, and the world</div> - <div class="i0">Shall drown in tears."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_79_79" id="Footnote_79_79"></a><a href="#FNanchor_79_79"><span class="label">[79]</span></a> An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says Mr. D—s, yet -we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of Mithridates less properly used, -and applied to a more terrible idea:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I would be drunk with death."—"Mithridates."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> - <div class="text width35"> -The author of the new Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and -uses it pretty much to the same purpose:— - </div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood</div> - <div class="i0">Was drunk."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I would ask Mr. D—s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or a -drunken sword?</p> - -<p>Mr. Tate dresses up king Arthur's resolution in heroic:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right,</div> - <div class="i0">I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Lee also uses this charming word:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Love's the drunkenness of the mind."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_80_80" id="Footnote_80_80"></a><a href="#FNanchor_80_80"><span class="label">[80]</span></a> Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I'm half-seas o'er in death."—"Cleom."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_81_81" id="Footnote_81_81"></a><a href="#FNanchor_81_81"><span class="label">[81]</span></a> This figure is in great use among the tragedians:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis."—"Victim."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I long, repent, repent, and long again."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_82_82" id="Footnote_82_82"></a><a href="#FNanchor_82_82"><span class="label">[82]</span></a> A tragical exclamation.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_83_83" id="Footnote_83_83"></a><a href="#FNanchor_83_83"><span class="label">[83]</span></a> This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_84_84" id="Footnote_84_84"></a><a href="#FNanchor_84_84"><span class="label">[84]</span></a> We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated authors:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i8">"Each star withdraws</div> - <div class="i0">His golden head, and burns within the socket."—"Nero."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"A soul grown old and sunk into the socket."—"Sebastian."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_85_85" id="Footnote_85_85"></a><a href="#FNanchor_85_85"><span class="label">[85]</span></a> This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic writers of both -kinds.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_86_86" id="Footnote_86_86"></a><a href="#FNanchor_86_86"><span class="label">[86]</span></a> Mr. Lee hath stolen this thought from our author:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">"This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council,</div> - <div class="i0">Which they were long in making."—"Luc. Jun. Brut."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">"At his birth the heavenly council paused,</div> - <div class="i0">And then at last cried out, This is a man!"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd</div> - <div class="i0">At their own skill, and cried, A lucky hit</div> - <div class="i0">Has mended our design! Their envy hinder'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Or you had been immortal, and a pattern,</div> - <div class="i0">When Heaven would work for ostentation sake,</div> - <div class="i0">To copy out again."—"All for Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"A pattern for the gods to make a man by,</div> - <div class="i0">Or Michael Angelo to form a statue."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_87_87" id="Footnote_87_87"></a><a href="#FNanchor_87_87"><span class="label">[87]</span></a> It is impossible, says Mr. W——, sufficiently to admire this natural -easy line.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_88_88" id="Footnote_88_88"></a><a href="#FNanchor_88_88"><span class="label">[88]</span></a> This tragedy, which in most points resembles the ancients, differs from -them in this—that it assigns the same honour to lowness of stature which -they did to height. The gods and heroes in Homer and Virgil are continually -described higher by the head than their followers, the contrary of -which is observed by our author. In short, to exceed on either side is -equally admirable; and a man of three foot is as wonderful a sight as a -man of nine.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_89_89" id="Footnote_89_89"></a><a href="#FNanchor_89_89"><span class="label">[89]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading</div> - <div class="i0">My soul will quickly sink."—"Mithridates."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My soul is like a ship."—"Injured Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_90_90" id="Footnote_90_90"></a><a href="#FNanchor_90_90"><span class="label">[90]</span></a> This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian Princess:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"To be your humblest and most faithful slave."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_91_91" id="Footnote_91_91"></a><a href="#FNanchor_91_91"><span class="label">[91]</span></a> This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in the "Captives," -where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of leaves:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"Methinks I hear</div> - <div class="i0">The sound of feet:</div> - <div class="i0">No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_92_92" id="Footnote_92_92"></a><a href="#FNanchor_92_92"><span class="label">[92]</span></a> Mr. Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the first page -of Love Triumphant.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_93_93" id="Footnote_93_93"></a><a href="#FNanchor_93_93"><span class="label">[93]</span></a> Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of his mistress:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"While in the lustre of her charms I lay."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_94_94" id="Footnote_94_94"></a><a href="#FNanchor_94_94"><span class="label">[94]</span></a> A tragical phrase much in use.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_95_95" id="Footnote_95_95"></a><a href="#FNanchor_95_95"><span class="label">[95]</span></a> This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical authors, who -seem to have rifled it, and share its beauties among them:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My soul waits at the portal of thy breast,</div> - <div class="i0">To ravish from thy lips the welcome news."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My soul stands list'ning at my ears."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring,</div> - <div class="i0">But reason overwinds, and cracks the string."—"D. of Guise."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"I should have loved</div> - <div class="i0">Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it."—"New Sophonisba."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"And when it (<em>my heart</em>) wild resolves to love no more,</div> - <div class="i0">Then is the triumph of excessive love."—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_96_96" id="Footnote_96_96"></a><a href="#FNanchor_96_96"><span class="label">[96]</span></a> Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Oh! happy, happy, happy!"—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_97_97" id="Footnote_97_97"></a><a href="#FNanchor_97_97"><span class="label">[97]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"No by myseif."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_98_98" id="Footnote_98_98"></a><a href="#FNanchor_98_98"><span class="label">[98]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"Who caused</div> - <div class="i0">This dreadful revolution in my fate,</div> - <div class="i0">Ulamar. Who but a dog—who but a dog?"—"Liberty As."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_99_99" id="Footnote_99_99"></a><a href="#FNanchor_99_99"><span class="label">[99]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i12">"A bride,</div> - <div class="i0">Who twenty years lay loving by your side."—Banks.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_100_100" id="Footnote_100_100"></a><a href="#FNanchor_100_100"><span class="label">[100]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall,</div> - <div class="i0">And rain down royal vengeance on you all."—"Alb. Queens."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_101_101" id="Footnote_101_101"></a><a href="#FNanchor_101_101"><span class="label">[101]</span></a> An information very like this we have in the tragedy of Love, where -Cyrus, having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares observes very -calmly, "Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved?"</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_102_102" id="Footnote_102_102"></a><a href="#FNanchor_102_102"><span class="label">[102]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i3">"'Tis in your choice.</div> - <div class="i0">Love me, or love me not."—"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_103_103" id="Footnote_103_103"></a><a href="#FNanchor_103_103"><span class="label">[103]</span></a> There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what hath been -borrow'd by almost every tragic writer.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_104_104" id="Footnote_104_104"></a><a href="#FNanchor_104_104"><span class="label">[104]</span></a> Mr. Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) imitated this of -Grizzle in his Earl of Essex:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Where art thou, Essex," &c.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_105_105" id="Footnote_105_105"></a><a href="#FNanchor_105_105"><span class="label">[105]</span></a> The Countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is apparently -acquainted with Dollallolla.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_106_106" id="Footnote_106_106"></a><a href="#FNanchor_106_106"><span class="label">[106]</span></a> Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glue of which Mr. Banks -speaks in his Cyrus:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I'll glue my ears to every word."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_107_107" id="Footnote_107_107"></a><a href="#FNanchor_107_107"><span class="label">[107]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters,</div> - <div class="i0">Are screaming in that voice."—"Mary Queen of Scots."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_108_108" id="Footnote_108_108"></a><a href="#FNanchor_108_108"><span class="label">[108]</span></a> The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a late ode, called -the "Naval Lyrick."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_109_109" id="Footnote_109_109"></a><a href="#FNanchor_109_109"><span class="label">[109]</span></a> This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an idea as were to -be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more difficult to be imagined than -a flying fish. Mr. Dryden is of opinion that smiling is the property of -reason, and that no irrational creature can smile:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move."—"State of Innocence."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_110_110" id="Footnote_110_110"></a><a href="#FNanchor_110_110"><span class="label">[110]</span></a> These lines are written in the same key with those in the Earl of Essex:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed</div> - <div class="i0">I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Or with this in Cyrus:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The most heroic mind that ever was."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And with above half of the modern tragedies.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_111_111" id="Footnote_111_111"></a><a href="#FNanchor_111_111"><span class="label">[111]</span></a> Aristotle, in that excellent work of his, which is very justly styled his -masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of art, however coarse -or even indecent they may be. Mr. Tate is of the same opinion.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"<em>Bru.</em> Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about.</div> - <div class="i0">Your game flies fair.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Fra.</em> Do not fear it.</div> - <div class="i0">He answers you in your hawking phrase."—"In Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify Dollallolla in -the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the same line she says she -is speaking to a setting-dog.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_112_112" id="Footnote_112_112"></a><a href="#FNanchor_112_112"><span class="label">[112]</span></a> We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King -Arthur:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates,</div> - <div class="i0">Are weighing now within the scales of heaven."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Also in Sebastian:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"This hour my lot is weighing in the scales."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_113_113" id="Footnote_113_113"></a><a href="#FNanchor_113_113"><span class="label">[113]</span></a> Mr. Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints from this -scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragic writers, -bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I am unwilling to -imagine he would condescend to copy him in this particular.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_114_114" id="Footnote_114_114"></a><a href="#FNanchor_114_114"><span class="label">[114]</span></a> This method of surprising an audience, by raising their expectation to -the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been practised with great -success by most of our tragical authors.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_115_115" id="Footnote_115_115"></a><a href="#FNanchor_115_115"><span class="label">[115]</span></a> Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress:—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts,</div> - <div class="i0">Thin hollow sounds and lamentable screams;</div> - <div class="i0">Then like a dying echo from afar,</div> - <div class="i0">My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda;</div> - <div class="i0">Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_116_116" id="Footnote_116_116"></a><a href="#FNanchor_116_116"><span class="label">[116]</span></a> "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says Mr. D—s. -The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the sun's blushing -at any indecent object; and therefore on all such occasions he addresses -himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out of the way.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail.</div> - <div class="i0">Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning."—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Mr. Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not -likely to be disgusted at such a sight:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you."—"Mary Queen of Scots."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_117_117" id="Footnote_117_117"></a><a href="#FNanchor_117_117"><span class="label">[117]</span></a> Neurmahal sends the same message to heaven:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"For I would have you, when you upwards move,</div> - <div class="i0">Speak kindly of us to our friends above."—"Aurengzebe."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>We find another to hell in the Persian Princess:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Villain, get thee down</div> - <div class="i0">To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_118_118" id="Footnote_118_118"></a><a href="#FNanchor_118_118"><span class="label">[118]</span></a> Anthony gives the same command in the same words.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_119_119" id="Footnote_119_119"></a><a href="#FNanchor_119_119"><span class="label">[119]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou, Marius?"—Otway's "Marius."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_120_120" id="Footnote_120_120"></a><a href="#FNanchor_120_120"><span class="label">[120]</span></a> Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; such -as—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">"Haughty weakness."—"Victim."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Great small world."—"Noah's Flood."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_121_121" id="Footnote_121_121"></a><a href="#FNanchor_121_121"><span class="label">[121]</span></a> Lee hath improved this metaphor:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes,</div> - <div class="i1">The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee?</div> - <div class="i0">So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise,</div> - <div class="i1">When they some young triumpher fain would see."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_122_122" id="Footnote_122_122"></a><a href="#FNanchor_122_122"><span class="label">[122]</span></a> Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetities:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"To eat and drink can no perfection be.—"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The Earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the -chief happiness of a general therein:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Were but commanders half so well rewarded,</div> - <div class="i0">Then they might eat."—Banks's "Earl of Essex."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil himself, -we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is generally -imagined:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Gods are immortal only by their food."—</div> - <div class="i8">"Lucifer, in the State of Innocence."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_123_123" id="Footnote_123_123"></a><a href="#FNanchor_123_123"><span class="label">[123]</span></a> "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr. D., "utterly to destroy -the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman of no abandoned -character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus excusing herself:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride,</div> - <div class="i0">Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it,</div> - <div class="i0">But Nature does not. When we are athirst,</div> - <div class="i0">Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay,</div> - <div class="i0">Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?"—</div> - <div class="i14">"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. Cassandra -speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her father.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_124_124" id="Footnote_124_124"></a><a href="#FNanchor_124_124"><span class="label">[124]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Her eyes resistless magic bear:</div> - <div class="i0">Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there,"—Lee's "Sophonisba."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_125_125" id="Footnote_125_125"></a><a href="#FNanchor_125_125"><span class="label">[125]</span></a> Mr. Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty Asserted, which is -thought to have given so great a stroke to the late French king, hath -frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king Arthur:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm."</div> - <div class="i0">"Joy lighten'd in her eyes."</div> - <div class="i0">"Joys like light'ning dart along my soul."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_126_126" id="Footnote_126_126"></a><a href="#FNanchor_126_126"><span class="label">[126]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above,</div> - <div class="i0">Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then</div> - <div class="i0">Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_127_127" id="Footnote_127_127"></a><a href="#FNanchor_127_127"><span class="label">[127]</span></a> This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr. W——, to be written in gold, -is imitated in the New Sophonisba:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh!</div> - <div class="i0">Oh! Narva; Narva, oh!"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas!"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two meanings in the -repeated words.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_128_128" id="Footnote_128_128"></a><a href="#FNanchor_128_128"><span class="label">[128]</span></a> Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the same familiar -language:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Your grace is full of game."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_129_129" id="Footnote_129_129"></a><a href="#FNanchor_129_129"><span class="label">[129]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky,</div> - <div class="i0">Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie,</div> - <div class="i0">And press her soul while gods stand wishing by."—"Hannibal."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_130_130" id="Footnote_130_130"></a><a href="#FNanchor_130_130"><span class="label">[130]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Let the four winds from distant corners meet,</div> - <div class="i0">And on their wings first bear it into France;</div> - <div class="i0">Then back again to Edina's proud walls,</div> - <div class="i0">Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls."—"Albion Queens."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_131_131" id="Footnote_131_131"></a><a href="#FNanchor_131_131"><span class="label">[131]</span></a> I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic poets as -those borrowed from riding post.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The gods and opportunity ride post."—"Hannibal."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"Let's rush together,</div> - <div class="i0">For death rides post."—"Duke of Guise."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Destruction gallops to thy murder post."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_132_132" id="Footnote_132_132"></a><a href="#FNanchor_132_132"><span class="label">[132]</span></a> This image, too, very often occurs:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i4">"Bright as when thy eye</div> - <div class="i0">First lighted up our loves."—"Aurengzebe."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_133_133" id="Footnote_133_133"></a><a href="#FNanchor_133_133"><span class="label">[133]</span></a> There is great dissension among the poets concerning the method of -making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was made in being -lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in Dryden, gives a merry -description of his own formation:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd,</div> - <div class="i0">But threw me in for number to the rest."—"State of Innocence."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"I was form'd</div> - <div class="i0">Of that coarse metal which, when she was made,</div> - <div class="i0">The gods threw by for rubbish."—"All for Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In another of dough:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"When the gods moulded up the paste of man,</div> - <div class="i0">Some of their clay was left upon their hands.</div> - <div class="i0">And so they made Egyptians."—"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In another of clay:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Rubbish of remaining clay."—Sebastian."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>One makes the soul of wax:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Her waxen soul begins to melt apace."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Another of flint:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Sure our souls have somewhere been acquainted</div> - <div class="i0">In former beings, or, struck out together,</div> - <div class="i0">One spark to Afric flew, and one to Portugal."—"Sebastian."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls which are -so plenty in modern authors—I cannot omit the dress of a soul as we find it -in Dryden:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Souls shirted but with air."—"King Arthur."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of -description in the New Sophonisba.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Ye mysterious powers,</div> - <div class="i2">Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander,</div> - <div class="i0">Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm,</div> - <div class="i0">The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds</div> - <div class="i0">Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_134_134" id="Footnote_134_134"></a><a href="#FNanchor_134_134"><span class="label">[134]</span></a> This line Mr. Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna Bullen.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_135_135" id="Footnote_135_135"></a><a href="#FNanchor_135_135"><span class="label">[135]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay,</div> - <div class="i0">But to tear out the journal of that day.</div> - <div class="i0">Or, if the order of the world below</div> - <div class="i0">Will not the gap of one whole day allow,</div> - <div class="i0">Give me that minute when she made her vow."—</div> - <div class="i12">"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_136_136" id="Footnote_136_136"></a><a href="#FNanchor_136_136"><span class="label">[136]</span></a> I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr. Dryden, in -the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a scene which Mr. -Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is much beholden to our -author. How just this their observation is I will not presume to determine.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_137_137" id="Footnote_137_137"></a><a href="#FNanchor_137_137"><span class="label">[137]</span></a> "A cobbling poet indeed," says Mr. D.; and yet I believe we may -find as monstrous images in the tragic authors. I'll put down one: -"Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a bride's hair."—"Injured Love."</p> - -<p>Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our author's -to a shoemaker's.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_138_138" id="Footnote_138_138"></a><a href="#FNanchor_138_138"><span class="label">[138]</span></a> Mr. L—— takes occasion in this place to commend the great care of our -author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which Shakespeare, Jonson, -and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and the moderns, in imitation -of our author, so laudably observant:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i8">"Then does</div> - <div class="i0">Your majesty believe that he can be</div> - <div class="i0">A traitor?"—"Earl of Essex."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_139_139" id="Footnote_139_139"></a><a href="#FNanchor_139_139"><span class="label">[139]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind."—"Aurengzebe."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move."—"Cleom."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_140_140" id="Footnote_140_140"></a><a href="#FNanchor_140_140"><span class="label">[140]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"With such a furious tempest on his brow,</div> - <div class="i0">As if the world's four winds were pent within</div> - <div class="i0">His blustering carcase."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_141_141" id="Footnote_141_141"></a><a href="#FNanchor_141_141"><span class="label">[141]</span></a> Verba Tragica.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_142_142" id="Footnote_142_142"></a><a href="#FNanchor_142_142"><span class="label">[142]</span></a> This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_143_143" id="Footnote_143_143"></a><a href="#FNanchor_143_143"><span class="label">[143]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i5">"My life is worn to rags,</div> - <div class="i0">Not worth a prince's wearing"—"Love Triumphant."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_144_144" id="Footnote_144_144"></a><a href="#FNanchor_144_144"><span class="label">[144]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Must I beg the pity of my slave?</div> - <div class="i0">Must a king beg? But love's a greater king,</div> - <div class="i0">A tryant, nay, a devil, that possesses me.</div> - <div class="i0">He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks,</div> - <div class="i0">Unknown to me, within me."—"Sebastian."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_145_145" id="Footnote_145_145"></a><a href="#FNanchor_145_145"><span class="label">[145]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"When thou wert form'd heaven did a man begin;</div> - <div class="i0">But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in."—"Aurengzebe."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_146_146" id="Footnote_146_146"></a><a href="#FNanchor_146_146"><span class="label">[146]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I am a multitude</div> - <div class="i0">Of walking griefs."—"New Sophonisba."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_147_147" id="Footnote_147_147"></a><a href="#FNanchor_147_147"><span class="label">[147]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I will take thy scorpion blood,</div> - <div class="i0">And lay it to my grief till I have ease."—"Anna Bullen."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_148_148" id="Footnote_148_148"></a><a href="#FNanchor_148_148"><span class="label">[148]</span></a> Our author, who everywhere shows his great penetration into human -nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet would have raised -a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the passions better, and -that so violent an affection as this must be too big for utterance, chooses -rather to send his characters off in this sullen and doleful manner, in which -admirable conduct he is imitated by the author of the justly celebrated -Eurydice. Dr. Young seems to point at this violence of passion:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"Passion chokes</div> - <div class="i0">Their words, and they're the statues of despair."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>And Seneca tells us, "Curæ leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The story -of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to be inserted; -I refer the more curious reader to the excellent Montaigne, who hath written -an essay on this subject.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_149_149" id="Footnote_149_149"></a><a href="#FNanchor_149_149"><span class="label">[149]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"To part is death.</div> - <div class="i6">'Tis death to part.</div> - <div class="i13">Ah!</div> - <div class="i14"> Oh!"—"Don Carlos."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_150_150" id="Footnote_150_150"></a><a href="#FNanchor_150_150"><span class="label">[150]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Nor know I whether</div> - <div class="i0">What am I, who, or where."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I was I know not what, and am I know not how."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_151_151" id="Footnote_151_151"></a><a href="#FNanchor_151_151"><span class="label">[151]</span></a> To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it will be necessary -that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I shall not attempt -to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make so plainly evident.</p> - -<p>One runs away from the other:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">"Let me demand your majesty,</div> - <div class="i0">Why fly you from yourself?"—"Duke of Guise."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In a second, one self is a guardian to the other:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Leave me the care of me."—"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Again:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Myself am to myself less near."—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In the same, the first self is proud of the second:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I myself am proud of me."—"State of Innocence."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In a third, distrustful of him:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear.</div> - <div class="i0">That none besides might hear, nay, not myself."—"Earl of Essex."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In a fourth, honours him:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I honour Rome,</div> - <div class="i0">And honour too myself."—"Sophonisba."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>In a fifth, at variance with him:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Leave me not thus at variance with myself."—"Busiris."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Again, in a sixth:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I find myself divided from myself."—"Medea."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"She seemed the sad effigies of herself."—Banks.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be</div> - <div class="i0">The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me."—"Alb. Q."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom -Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented by -men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_152_152" id="Footnote_152_152"></a><a href="#FNanchor_152_152"><span class="label">[152]</span></a> Mr. F. imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one, from his -simile.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_153_153" id="Footnote_153_153"></a><a href="#FNanchor_153_153"><span class="label">[153]</span></a> Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Great nature, break thy chain that links together</div> - <div class="i0">The fabric of the world, and make a chaos</div> - <div class="i0">Like that within my soul."—"Love Triumphant."</div> - <div class="i3">"Startle Nature, unfix the globe,</div> - <div class="i0">And hurl it from its axletree and hinges."—"Albion Queens."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_154_154" id="Footnote_154_154"></a><a href="#FNanchor_154_154"><span class="label">[154]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"D—n your delay, ye torturers, proceed:</div> - <div class="i0">I will not hear one word but Almahide."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_155_155" id="Footnote_155_155"></a><a href="#FNanchor_155_155"><span class="label">[155]</span></a> Mr. Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_156_156" id="Footnote_156_156"></a><a href="#FNanchor_156_156"><span class="label">[156]</span></a> This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i2">"And on her ample brow</div> - <div class="i0">Sat majesty."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_157_157" id="Footnote_157_157"></a><a href="#FNanchor_157_157"><span class="label">[157]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Your ev'ry answer still so ends in that,</div> - <div class="i0">You force me still to answer you, Morat."—"Aurengzebe.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_158_158" id="Footnote_158_158"></a><a href="#FNanchor_158_158"><span class="label">[158]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name."—<em>Ibid.</em></div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_159_159" id="Footnote_159_159"></a><a href="#FNanchor_159_159"><span class="label">[159]</span></a> "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says Mr. D—s. -And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous Panthea, in Cyrus, -hath a heart every whit as ample:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"For two I must confess are gods to me,</div> - <div class="i0">Which is my Abradatus first, and thee."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so intelligible:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"I am so divided,</div> - <div class="i0">That I grieve most for both, and love both most."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_160_160" id="Footnote_160_160"></a><a href="#FNanchor_160_160"><span class="label">[160]</span></a> A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the great and extensive -largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not so to those who consider -the great expansion of immaterial substance. Mr. Banks makes one -soul to be so expanded, that heaven could not contain it.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The heavens are all too narrow for her soul."—"Virtue Betrayed."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves,</div> - <div class="i0">Shall glut hell's empty regions."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, only to -fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_161_161" id="Footnote_161_161"></a><a href="#FNanchor_161_161"><span class="label">[161]</span></a> Mr. Addison is generally thought to have had this simile in his eye when -he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third act of his Cato.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_162_162" id="Footnote_162_162"></a><a href="#FNanchor_162_162"><span class="label">[162]</span></a> This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does honour to the -English language:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Between two stools the breech falls to the ground."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as with -those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down to us under -the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead of filling their -pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our modern poets would -think it worth their while to enrich their works with the proverbial sayings -of their ancestors. Mr. Dryden hath chronicled one in heroic:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Two ifs scarce make one possibility."—"Conq. of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>My Lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and sciences -might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I am of the -same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least I am confident -that a more perfect system of ethics, as well as economy, might be -compiled out of them than is at present extant, either in the works of the -ancient philosophers, or those more valuable, as more voluminous ones of -the modern divines.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_163_163" id="Footnote_163_163"></a><a href="#FNanchor_163_163"><span class="label">[163]</span></a> Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls short of the -ancients, there is none so much to be lamented as the great scarcity of -ghosts. Whence this proceeds I will not presume to determine. Some are -of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that sublime language which a -ghost ought to speak. One says, ludicrously, that ghosts are out of fashion; -another, that they are properer for comedy; forgetting, I suppose, that -Aristotle hath told us that a ghost is the soul of tragedy; for so I render the -[Greek: psychê ho mythos tês tragôdias], which M. Dacier, amongst others, hath mistaken; -I suppose misled by not understanding the Fabula of the Latins, which -signifies a ghost as well as fable.</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Te premet nox, fabulæque manes."—Horace.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned and -judicious foreign critic gives the preference to this of our author. These -are his words, speaking of this tragedy:—"Nec quidquam in illâ admirabilius -quàm phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus aliis spectris, quibuscum -scatet Angelorum tragœdia, longè (pace D—ysii V. Doctiss. dixerim) -prætulerim."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_164_164" id="Footnote_164_164"></a><a href="#FNanchor_164_164"><span class="label">[164]</span></a> We have already given instances of this figure.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_165_165" id="Footnote_165_165"></a><a href="#FNanchor_165_165"><span class="label">[165]</span></a> Almanzor reasons in the same manner:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"A ghost I'll be;</div> - <div class="i0">And from a ghost, you know, no place is free."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_166_166" id="Footnote_166_166"></a><a href="#FNanchor_166_166"><span class="label">[166]</span></a> "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr. D., "would have -picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to show not only bad in itself, but -doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in that excellent play of -Liberty Asserted, we find something very much resembling a pun in the -mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the lover she is fond of:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i1">"<em>Ul.</em> Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell.</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Irene.</em> The gods have given to others to fare well,</div> - <div class="i3">O! miserably must Irene fare."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn occasion—that -of sacrificing his daughter:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest;</div> - <div class="i0">Yes, you must offer up your—vows for Greece."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_167_167" id="Footnote_167_167"></a><a href="#FNanchor_167_167"><span class="label">[167]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light,</div> - <div class="i0">Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there.</div> - <div class="i0">And make thee groan thyself away to air."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_168_168" id="Footnote_168_168"></a><a href="#FNanchor_168_168"><span class="label">[168]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast,</div> - <div class="i0">I thought what was the courage of a ghost."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most -heroically: "In spite of ghosts I'll on."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_169_169" id="Footnote_169_169"></a><a href="#FNanchor_169_169"><span class="label">[169]</span></a> The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, and is therefore -worth reading:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i12">"Ah, Cyrus!</div> - <div class="i0">Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air,</div> - <div class="i0">As think of touching my immortal shade."—"Cyrus the Great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_170_170" id="Footnote_170_170"></a><a href="#FNanchor_170_170"><span class="label">[170]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Thou better part of heavenly air."—"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_171_171" id="Footnote_171_171"></a><a href="#FNanchor_171_171"><span class="label">[171]</span></a> "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in the cabinet -of a prince."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_172_172" id="Footnote_172_172"></a><a href="#FNanchor_172_172"><span class="label">[172]</span></a> This passage hath been understood several different ways by the commentators. -For my part I find it difficult to understand it at all. Mr. -Dryden says—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I've heard something how two bodies meet,</div> - <div class="i0">But how two souls join I know not."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be difficult to -understand how it is possible to run him through it.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_173_173" id="Footnote_173_173"></a><a href="#FNanchor_173_173"><span class="label">[173]</span></a> Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollalolla:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I never durst in darkness be alone."—"Ind. Emp."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_174_174" id="Footnote_174_174"></a><a href="#FNanchor_174_174"><span class="label">[174]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Think well of this, think that, think every way."—"Sophon."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_175_175" id="Footnote_175_175"></a><a href="#FNanchor_175_175"><span class="label">[175]</span></a> These quotations are more usual in the comic than in the tragic writers.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_176_176" id="Footnote_176_176"></a><a href="#FNanchor_176_176"><span class="label">[176]</span></a> "This distress," says Mr. D—, "I must allow to be extremely beautiful, -and tends to heighten the virtuous character of Dollallolla, who is so -exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest apprehension from the inanimate -embrace of a bolster. An example worthy of imitation for all our -writers of tragedy."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_177_177" id="Footnote_177_177"></a><a href="#FNanchor_177_177"><span class="label">[177]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Credat Judæus Appella,</div> - <div class="i0">Non ego,"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>says Mr. D. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, -can we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow—I say again a little -insignificant fellow—able to vie with a strength which all the Samsons and -Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I shall refer this -incredulous critic to Mr. Dryden's defence of his Almanzor; and, lest that -should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few lines from the speech of a much -braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr. Johnson's Achilles:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Though human race rise in embattled hosts,</div> - <div class="i0">To force her from my arms—Oh! son of Atreus!</div> - <div class="i0">By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit</div> - <div class="i0">Informs this earth, I will oppose them all."—"Victim."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_178_178" id="Footnote_178_178"></a><a href="#FNanchor_178_178"><span class="label">[178]</span></a> "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr. D., "but never -of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never heard of sailing with -wings, which he may read in no less a poet than Mr. Dryden:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Unless we borrow wings and sail through air."—"Love Triumphant.</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>What will he say to a kneeling valley?</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i9">"I'll stand</div> - <div class="i0">Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee</div> - <div class="i0">To some aspiring mountain."—"Injured Love."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an epithet -in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not we read in the -New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white occasions, and -blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but sometimes half a -sentence is put by way of expletive, as "Beauty pointed high with spirit," -in the same play; and "In the lap of blessing, to be most curst," in the -Revenge.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_179_179" id="Footnote_179_179"></a><a href="#FNanchor_179_179"><span class="label">[179]</span></a> A victory like that of Almanzor:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Almanzor is victorious without fight."—"Conquest of Granada."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_180_180" id="Footnote_180_180"></a><a href="#FNanchor_180_180"><span class="label">[180]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Well have we chose an happy day for fight;</div> - <div class="i0">For every man, in course of time, has found</div> - <div class="i0">Some days are lucky, some unfortunate."—"King Arthur."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_181_181" id="Footnote_181_181"></a><a href="#FNanchor_181_181"><span class="label">[181]</span></a> We read of such another in Lee:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Teach his rude wit a flight she never made,</div> - <div class="i0">And send her post to the Elysian shade."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_182_182" id="Footnote_182_182"></a><a href="#FNanchor_182_182"><span class="label">[182]</span></a> These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_183_183" id="Footnote_183_183"></a><a href="#FNanchor_183_183"><span class="label">[183]</span></a> "Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud."—"Conquest of Granada."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_184_184" id="Footnote_184_184"></a><a href="#FNanchor_184_184"><span class="label">[184]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd,</div> - <div class="i0">Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world,</div> - <div class="i0">Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball,</div> - <div class="i0">Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall."—"Female Warrior."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_185_185" id="Footnote_185_185"></a><a href="#FNanchor_185_185"><span class="label">[185]</span></a> See the History of Tom Thumb, p. 141.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_186_186" id="Footnote_186_186"></a><a href="#FNanchor_186_186"><span class="label">[186]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Amazement swallows up my sense,</div> - <div class="i0">And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate</div> - <div class="i0">Drinks down my reason."—"Persian Princess."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_187_187" id="Footnote_187_187"></a><a href="#FNanchor_187_187"><span class="label">[187]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I have outfaced myself.</div> - <div class="i0">What! am I two? Is there another me?"—"King Arthur."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_188_188" id="Footnote_188_188"></a><a href="#FNanchor_188_188"><span class="label">[188]</span></a> The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most so in this -prophetic part. We find several of these prophecies in the tragic authors, -who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment to their country, -and sometimes to their prince. None but our author (who seems to have -detested the least appearance of flattery) would have passed by such an -opportunity of being a political prophet.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_189_189" id="Footnote_189_189"></a><a href="#FNanchor_189_189"><span class="label">[189]</span></a> "I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw him."—"Busiris." -In both which places it is intimated that it is sometimes possible to see with -other eyes than your own.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_190_190" id="Footnote_190_190"></a><a href="#FNanchor_190_190"><span class="label">[190]</span></a> "This mustard," says Mr. D., "is enough to turn one's stomach. I -would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head when he wrote -it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of Mr. Dennis:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"And gave him liberty, the salt of life."—"Liberty Asserted."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_191_191" id="Footnote_191_191"></a><a href="#FNanchor_191_191"><span class="label">[191]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"<em>Han</em>, Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call?</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Scip.</em> Are you the much more famous Hannibal?"—"Hannibal."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_192_192" id="Footnote_192_192"></a><a href="#FNanchor_192_192"><span class="label">[192]</span></a> Dr Young seems to have copied this engagement in his Busiris:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Myr.</em> Villain!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Mem.</em> Myron!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Myr.</em> Rebel!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Mem.</em> Myron!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Myr.</em> Hell!</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0"><em>Mem.</em> Mandane!</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_193_193" id="Footnote_193_193"></a><a href="#FNanchor_193_193"><span class="label">[193]</span></a> This last speech of my Lord Grizzle hath been of great service to our -poets:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i10">"I'll hold it fast</div> - <div class="i0">As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last;</div> - <div class="i0">And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain,</div> - <div class="i0">I'll send my ghost and fetch it back again."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_194_194" id="Footnote_194_194"></a><a href="#FNanchor_194_194"><span class="label">[194]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My soul should with such speed obey,</div> - <div class="i0">It should not bait at heaven to stop its way."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_195_195" id="Footnote_195_195"></a><a href="#FNanchor_195_195"><span class="label">[195]</span></a> Lee seems to have had this last in his eye:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there:</div> - <div class="i0">I would but go to heaven to take the air."—"Gloriana."</div> - </div> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"A rising vapour rumbling in my brains."—"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_196_196" id="Footnote_196_196"></a><a href="#FNanchor_196_196"><span class="label">[196]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul,</div> - <div class="i0">To tell me fate's at hand."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_197_197" id="Footnote_197_197"></a><a href="#FNanchor_197_197"><span class="label">[197]</span></a> Mr. Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when he says:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"My soul is packing up, and just on wing."—"Conq. of Gran."</div> - <div class="i0">"And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul."—"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_198_198" id="Footnote_198_198"></a><a href="#FNanchor_198_198"><span class="label">[198]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"The devil swallows vulgar souls</div> - <div class="i0">Like whipt cream."—"Sebastian."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_199_199" id="Footnote_199_199"></a><a href="#FNanchor_199_199"><span class="label">[199]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"How I could curse my name of Ptolemy!</div> - <div class="i0">It is so long, it asks an hour to write it.</div> - <div class="i0">By heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars!</div> - <div class="i0">Or any other civil monosyllable,</div> - <div class="i0">That will not tire my hand."—"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_200_200" id="Footnote_200_200"></a><a href="#FNanchor_200_200"><span class="label">[200]</span></a> Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by which our author -may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or to insinuate that men -in the honeymoon are apt to imagine time shorter than it is. It brings into -my mind a passage in the comedy called the Coffee-House Politician:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_201_201" id="Footnote_201_201"></a><a href="#FNanchor_201_201"><span class="label">[201]</span></a> These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single speech of -King Arthur, or the British Worthy.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_202_202" id="Footnote_202_202"></a><a href="#FNanchor_202_202"><span class="label">[202]</span></a></p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I was but teaching him to grace his tale</div> - <div class="i0">With decent horror."—"Cleomenes."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> -</div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_203_203" id="Footnote_203_203"></a><a href="#FNanchor_203_203"><span class="label">[203]</span></a> We may say with Dryden:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"Death did at length so many slain forget,</div> - <div class="i0">And left the tale, and took them by the great."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody -catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal characters -dead on the stage. These lines too—</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"I ask'd no questions then, of who kill'd who?</div> - <div class="i0">The bodies tell the story as they lie—"</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can -I help imagining they were originally his. The Rival Ladies, too, seem -beholden to this scene:</p> - -<div class="container"> -<div class="poem"> - <div class="stanza"> - <div class="i0">"We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death;</div> - <div class="i0">Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her,</div> - <div class="i0">And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo,</div> - <div class="i0">As I on Angelina."</div> - </div> -</div> -</div> - -<p>No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was applauded -by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was -very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This I -take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which remains -among us, and which Mr. Dryden, in his essay on Dramatic Poetry, hath -observed. "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself into our -countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know not; but -they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror to be taken -from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in this martial -disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French have been owing -to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily exhibited in our -tragedies, of which the French stage is so entirely clear.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_204_204" id="Footnote_204_204"></a><a href="#FNanchor_204_204"><span class="label">[204]</span></a> A See the "Robbers." a German tragedy, in which robbery is put in so -fascinating a light, that the whole of a German University went upon the -highway in consequence of it.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_205_205" id="Footnote_205_205"></a><a href="#FNanchor_205_205"><span class="label">[205]</span></a> See "Cabal and Love," a German tragedy, very severe against Prime -Ministers and reigning Dukes of Brunswick. This admirable performance -very judiciously reprobates the hire of German troops for the <em>American war</em> -in the reign of Queen Elizabeth—a practice which would undoubtedly have -been highly discreditable to that wise and patriotic princess, not to say -wholly unnecessary, there being no American war at that particular time.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_206_206" id="Footnote_206_206"></a><a href="#FNanchor_206_206"><span class="label">[206]</span></a> See the "Stranger; or, Reform'd Housekeeper," in which the former -of these morals is beautifully illustrated; and "Stella," a genteel German -comedy, which ends with placing a man <em>bodkin</em> between <em>two wives</em>, like -<em>Thames</em> between his <em>two banks</em>, in the "Critic." Nothing can be more edifying -than these two dramas. I am shocked to hear that there are some -people who think them ridiculous.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_207_207" id="Footnote_207_207"></a><a href="#FNanchor_207_207"><span class="label">[207]</span></a> These are the warnings very properly given to readers, to beware how -they judge of what they cannot understand. Thus, if the translation runs -"lightning of my soul, fulguration of angels, sulphur of hell;" we should -recollect that this is not coarse or strange in the German language, when -applied by a lover to his mistress; but the English has nothing precisely -parallel to the original Mulychause Archangelichen, which means rather -"emanation of the archangelican nature"—or to Smellmynkern Vankelfer, -which, if literally rendered, would signify "made of stuff of the same odour -whereof the devil makes flambeaux." See Schüttenbrüch on the German -Idiom.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_208_208" id="Footnote_208_208"></a><a href="#FNanchor_208_208"><span class="label">[208]</span></a> This is an excellent joke in German; the point and spirit of which is -but ill-rendered in a translation. A Noddy, the reader will observe, has -two significations—the one a "knave at all-fours;" the other a "fool or -booby." See the translation by Mr. Render of "Count Benyowsky; or, -the Conspiracy of Kamtschatka," a German tragi-comi-comi-tragedy: -where the play opens with a scene of a game at chess (from which the whole -of this scene is copied), and a joke of the same point and merriment about -pawns—<i>i.e.</i>, boors being <em>a match</em> for kings.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_209_209" id="Footnote_209_209"></a><a href="#FNanchor_209_209"><span class="label">[209]</span></a> This word in the original is strictly "fellow-lodgers"—"co-occupants of -the same room, in a house let out at a small rent by the week." There is -no single word in English which expresses so complicated a relation, except, -perhaps, the cant term of "chum," formerly in use at our universities.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_210_210" id="Footnote_210_210"></a><a href="#FNanchor_210_210"><span class="label">[210]</span></a> The balalaika is a Russian instrument, resembling the guitar.—See the -play of "Count Benyowsky," rendered into English.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_211_211" id="Footnote_211_211"></a><a href="#FNanchor_211_211"><span class="label">[211]</span></a> See "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamschatka," where -Crustiew, an old gentleman of much sagacity, talks the following nonsense:</p> - -<p><i class="personae">Crustiew</i> <span class="stageone">[<i>with youthful energy and an air of secrecy and confidence</i>.]</span> -"To fly, to fly, to the Isles of Marian—the island of Tinian—a terrestrial -paradise. Free—free—a mild climate—a new created sun—wholesome -fruits—harmless inhabitants—and Liberty—tranquillity."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_212_212" id="Footnote_212_212"></a><a href="#FNanchor_212_212"><span class="label">[212]</span></a> See "Count Benyowsky." as before.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_213_213" id="Footnote_213_213"></a><a href="#FNanchor_213_213"><span class="label">[213]</span></a> See "Count Benyowsky."</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_214_214" id="Footnote_214_214"></a><a href="#FNanchor_214_214"><span class="label">[214]</span></a> See "Count Benyowsky" again; from which play this and the preceding -references are taken word for word. We acquit the Germans of such -reprobate silly stuff. It must be the translator's.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_215_215" id="Footnote_215_215"></a><a href="#FNanchor_215_215"><span class="label">[215]</span></a> We believe this song to be copied, with a small variation in metre and -meaning, from a song in "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of -Kamtschatka,"—where the conspirators join in a chorus, <em>for fear of being -overheard</em>.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_216_216" id="Footnote_216_216"></a><a href="#FNanchor_216_216"><span class="label">[216]</span></a> Geisers, the boiling springs in Iceland.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_217_217" id="Footnote_217_217"></a><a href="#FNanchor_217_217"><span class="label">[217]</span></a> Query, <em>purly</em>?—Printer's Devil.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_218_218" id="Footnote_218_218"></a><a href="#FNanchor_218_218"><span class="label">[218]</span></a> Captain Kater, the Moon's Surveyor.</p></div> - -<div class="footnote"> - -<p><a name="Footnote_219_219" id="Footnote_219_219"></a><a href="#FNanchor_219_219"><span class="label">[219]</span></a> The Doctor's composition for a <em>nightcap</em>.</p></div> - -</div> - -<div class="transnote"> -<p class="p1b">Transcriber Notes:</p> - -<p>P. 5: 'INTRODUTION' changed to 'INTRODUCTION'.</p> -<p>P. 83. 'beesech' changed to 'beseech'.</p> -<p>P. 103. 'quetions' changed to 'questions'.</p> -<p>P. 111. 'Futnre' changed to 'future'.</p> -<p>P. 145. 'acqaintance' changed to 'acquaintance'.</p> -<p>P. 187. 'Queeen' changed to 'Queen'.</p> -<p>P. 188. '-cophronio' changed to '-cophornio'.</p> -<p>P. 281. 'surpise' changed to 'surprise'.</p> -<p>Fixed various punctuation.</p> -</div> - - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - -***** This file should be named 53606-h.htm or 53606-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/6/0/53606/ - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Burlesque Plays and Poems - -Author: Henry Morley - Geoffrey Chaucer - George Villiers - John Philips - Henry Fielding - -Release Date: November 26, 2016 [EBook #53606] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - - - - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -Fifteen Volumes in an Oak Bookcase. - -[Illustration] - -Price One Guinea. - - * * * * * - -"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."--_Daily Telegraph._ - - * * * * * - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - -In Monthly Volumes, ONE SHILLING Each. - -_READY ON THE 25th OF EACH MONTH._ - -[Illustration: MORLEYS UNIVERSAL LIBRARY] - - -Ballantyne Press BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGH CHANDOS STREET, -LONDON - - - - - -BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS - - - CHAUCER'S - _RIME OF THOPAS_. - - BEAUMONT & FLETCHER'S - _KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE_. - - GEORGE VILLIERS, DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM'S - _REHEARSAL_. - - JOHN PHILIPS'S - _SPLENDID SHILLING_. - - FIELDING'S - _TOM THUMB THE GREAT_. - - HENRY CAREY'S - _NAMBY PAMBY_ AND - _CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS_. - - CANNING, FRERE & ELLIS'S - _ROVERS_. - - W. B. RHODES'S - _BOMBASTES FURIOSO_. - - HORACE & JAMES SMITH'S - _REJECTED ADDRESSES_. - - AND SOME OF - THOMAS HOOD'S - _ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE_. - - - _WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY_ - LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT - UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, LONDON - - - LONDON - GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS - BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL - NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE - 1885 - - - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - - -VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. - - _SHERIDAN'S PLAYS._ - _PLAYS FROM MOLIÈRE._ By English Dramatists. - _MARLOWE'S FAUSTUS & GOETHE'S FAUST._ - _CHRONICLE OF THE CID._ - _RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL._ - _THE PRINCE._ By MACHIAVELLI. - _BACON'S ESSAYS._ - _DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR._ - _LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT & FILMER'S "PATRIARCHA."_ - _SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGY and WITCHCRAFT._ - _DRYDEN'S VIRGIL._ - _BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION._ - _HERRICK'S HESPERIDES._ - _COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK._ - _BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON._ - _STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY._ - _CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD._ - _MEDIÆVAL TALES._ - _VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE & JOHNSON'S RASSELAS._ - _PLAYS and POEMS by BEN JONSON._ - _LEVIATHAN._ By THOMAS HOBBES. - _HUDIBRAS._ By SAMUEL BUTLER. - _IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS._ - _CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY._ - _DON QUIXOTE._ IN TWO VOLUMES. - _BURLESQUE PLAYS and POEMS._ - - "Marvels of clear type and general neatness." - _Daily Telegraph._ - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian -"burlesco"; "burla" being mockery or raillery, and implying always an -object. Burlesque must, _burlarsi di uno_, mock at somebody or something, -and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. -One etymologist associates the word with the old English "bourd," a -jest; the Gaelic "burd," he says, means mockery, and "buirleadh," is -language of ridicule. Yes, and "burrail" is the loud romping of children, -and "burrall" is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another -etymologist takes the Italian "burla," waggery or banter, as diminutive -from the Latin "burra," which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius -in the sense of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, -but, like Launce's sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit. - -The first burlesque in this volume--Chaucer's "Rime of Sir Thopas," -written towards the close of the fourteenth century--is a jest upon -long-winded story-tellers, who expatiate on insignificant detail; for -in his day there were many metrical romances written by the ancestors -of Mrs. Nickleby. Riding to Canterbury with the other pilgrims, Chaucer -good-humouredly takes to himself the part of the companion who jogs along -with even flow of words, luxuriating in all trivial detail until he -brings Sir Thopas face to face with an adventure, for he meets a giant -with three heads. But even then there is the adventure to be waited for. -The story-teller finds that he must trot his knight back home to fetch -his armour, and when he "is comen again to toune," it takes so many -words to get him his supper, get his armour on, and trot him out again, -that the inevitable end comes, with rude intrusion of some faint-hearted -lording who has not courage to listen until the point of the story can -be descried from afar. So the best of the old story-tellers, in a book -full of examples of tales told as they should be, burlesqued misuse of -his art, and the "Rime of Sir Thopas" became a warning buoy over the -shallows. "I cannot," said Sir Thomas Wyatt, in Henry VIII.'s reign, - - "say that Pan - Passeth Apollo in music manyfold; - Praisé Sir Thopas for a noble tale, - And scorn the story that the Knighté told." - -The second burlesque in this volume, Beaumont and Fletcher's "Knight of -the Burning Pestle," written in eight days, appeared in 1611, six years -after the publication of the First Part, and four years earlier than -the Second Part, of Don Quixote. The first English translation of Don -Quixote (Shelton's) appeared in 1612. The Knight of the Burning Pestle -is, like Don Quixote, a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the -tales of chivalry. Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher worked together as -playwrights in the reign of James I. All their plays were produced during -that reign. Beaumont died in the same year as Shakespeare, having written -thirteen plays in fellowship with Fletcher. Forty more were written by -Fletcher alone, but the name of Beaumont is, by tradition of a loving -fellowship, associated with them all. "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" -is all the merrier for being the work of men who were themselves true -poets. It should be remembered that this play was written for a theatre -without scenery, in which gentlemen were allowed to hire stools on the -stage itself for a nearer view of the actors; and it is among this select -part of the audience that the citizen intrudes and the citizen's wife -is lifted up, when she cries, "Husband, shall I come up, husband?" "Ay, -cony; Ralph, help your mistress up this way; pray, gentlemen, make her a -little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife.... -Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin." - -The next burlesque in our collection is "The Rehearsal," which was -produced in 1671 to ridicule the extravagance of the "heroic" plays of -the Restoration. The founder of this school in England was Sir William -Davenant who was living and was Poet Laureate--and wearer of the bays, -therefore, was Bayes--when the jest was begun by George Villiers, Duke -of Buckingham, and other wits of the day. The jest was so long in hand -that, in 1668, when Davenant died, and Dryden succeeded him as Laureate, -the character of Bayes passed on to him. The plaster on the nose pointed -at Davenant, who had lost great part of his nose. The manner of speaking, -and the "hum and buzz," pointed at Dryden, who was also in 1671 the -great master of what was called heroic drama. Bold rhodomontade was, -on the stage, preferred to good sense at a time when the new French -criticism was enforcing above all things "good sense" upon poets, as a -reaction against the strained ingenuities that had come in under Italian -influence. Let us leave to Italy her paste brilliants, said Boileau, in -his _Art Poétique_, produced at the same time as "The Rehearsal," all -should tend to good sense. But Dryden in his plays (not in his other -poems) boldly translated Horace's _serbit humi tutus_, into - - "He who servilely creeps after sense - Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence." - -The particular excellence attained by flying out of sight of sense is -burlesqued in the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal." - -John Philips, the delicate and gentle son of a vicar of Bampton, read -Milton with delight from his boyhood and knew Virgil almost by heart. At -college he wrote, for the edification of a comrade who did not know how -to keep a shilling in his pocket, "The Splendid Shilling," a poem first -published in 1705--which set forth, in Miltonic style applied to humblest -images, the comfort of possessing such a coin. The Miltonic grandeur of -tone John Philips happily caught from a long and loving study of the -English poet whom he reverenced above others, and "The Splendid Shilling" -has a special charm as a burlesque in which nobody is ridiculed. - -The burlesque poem called "Namby Pamby," of which the title has been -added to the English vocabulary, was written by Henry Carey, in ridicule -of the little rhymes inscribed to certain babies of distinguished -persons by Ambrose Philips, or, as he is translated into nursery -language, "Namby Pamby Pilli-pis." Ambrose Philips was a friend and -companion of Addison's, and a gentleman who prospered fairly in Whig -government circles. Pope's annoyance at the praise given to Ambrose -Philips's pastorals which appeared in the same Miscellany with his own, -and Addison's praise in the _Spectator_ of his friend's translation of -Racine's Andromache as "The Distrest Mother," have caused Ambrose Philips -to be better remembered in the history of literature than might otherwise -have been necessary. When he wrote no longer of - - "Mammy - Andromache and her lammy - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest." - -and took to nursery lyrics, he gave Henry Carey an opportunity of putting -a last touch to his monument for the instruction of posterity. The two -specimens here given of the original poems that suggested "Namby Pamby" -are addressed severally to two babes in the nursery of Daniel Pulteney, -Esq. Another of the babies who inspired him was an infant Carteret, -whose name Carey translated into "Tartaretta Tartaree." Some lines here -and there, seven in all, which are not the wittier for being coarse, -have been left out of "Namby Pamby." This burlesque was first published -in 1725 or 1726; my copy is of the fifth edition, dated 1726, and was -appended to "A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling; its Dignity, Antiquity, -and Excellence, with a Word upon Pudding, and many other Useful -Discoveries of great Benefit to the Publick. To which is added, Namby -Pamby, A Panegyric on the new Versification address'd to A---- P----, -Esq." - -Henry Fielding produced his "Tom Thumb" in 1730, and added the notes of -Scriblerus Secundus in 1731, following the example set by the Dunciad as -published in April 1729, with the "Prolegomena of Scriblerus and Notes -Variorum." Paul Whitehead added notes of a Scriblerus Tertius to his -"Gymnasiad" in 1744. Fielding was twenty-four years old when he added -to his "Tom Thumb" the notes that transmit to us lively examples of the -stilted language of the stage by which, as a gentleman's son left to his -own resources, he was then endeavouring to live. This was four years -before his marriage, and ten years before he revealed his transcendent -powers as a novelist. - -Henry Carey's "Chrononhotonthologos," three years later, in 1734, carried -on the war against pretentious dulness on the stage. The manner of -the great actors was, like the plays of their generation, pompous and -rhetorical, full of measured sound and fury signifying nothing. Garrick, -who made his first appearance as an actor in 1741, put an end to this. -"If the young fellow is right," said Quin, "We are all in the wrong;" -little suspecting that they really were all in the wrong. Henry Carey, -a musician by profession, played in the orchestra and also supplied the -stage with ballad and burlesque farces and operas. But also he wrote -"Namby Pamby." It was said of him that "he led a life free from reproach, -and hanged himself October 4th, 1743." - -"The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement," was a contribution to "The -Anti-Jacobin," by George Canning, and his friends George Ellis and John -Hookham Frere. Canning had established "The Anti-Jacobin," of which the -first number was published on the 20th of November, 1797. Its poetry, -generally levelled through witty burlesque at the false sentiment of the -day, was collected in 1801 into a handsome quarto. This includes "The -Rovers," which is a lively caricature of the sentimental German drama. -Goethe's "Stella," as read in the translation used by the caricaturists, -is not less comical than the caricature. I have a copy of the "Poetry -of the Anti-Jacobin," in which one of the original writers has, for the -friend to whom he gave the book, marked with his pen and ink details of -authorship. From this it appears that the description of the _dramatis -personæ_ in "The Rovers" was by Frere, the Prologue by Canning and Ellis, -the opening scene by Frere as far as Rogero's famous song, which was by -Canning and Ellis. All that follows to the beginning of the fourth act -was by Canning, except that Frere wrote the scene in the second act on -the delivery of a newspaper to Beefington and Puddingfield. The fourth -act and the final stage directions were by Frere, except the Recitative -and Chorus of Conspirators. These were by George Ellis. - -"Bombastes Furioso," first produced in 1810, was by William Barnes -Rhodes, who had published a translation of Juvenal in 1801 and "Epigrams" -in 1803. He formed a considerable dramatic library, of which there was a -catalogue printed in 1825. - -Next comes in this collection the series of burlesques of the styles of -poets famous and popular in 1812, published in that year as "Rejected -Addresses," by Horace and James Smith. Of these brothers, sons of -an attorney, one was an attorney, the other a stockbroker, one aged -thirty-seven, the other thirty-three, when the book appeared which made -them famous, and of which the first edition is reprinted in this volume. -The book went through twenty-four editions. James Smith wrote no more, -but Horace to the last amused himself with literature. "Is it not odd," -Leigh Hunt wrote of him to Shelley, "that the only truly generous person -I ever knew, who had money to be generous with, was a stockbroker! And -he writes poetry too; he writes poetry, and pastoral dramas, and yet -knows how to make money, and does make it, and is still generous." The -Fitzgerald who is subject of the first burlesque used to recite his -laudatory poems at the annual dinners of the Literary Fund, and is the -same who was referred to in the opening lines of Byron's "English Bards -and Scotch Reviewers:" - - "Still must I hear?--shall hoarse Fitzgerald bawl - His creaking couplets in a tavern hall, - And I not sing." - -This Miscellany closes with some of the "Odes and Addresses to Great -People," with which Thomas Hood, at the age of twenty-six, first made his -mark as a wit. The little book from which these pieces are taken was the -joint work of himself and John Hamilton Reynolds, whose sister he had -married. It marks the rise of the pun in burlesque writing through Thomas -Hood, who, when dying of consumption, suggested for his epitaph, "Here -lies one who spat more blood and made more puns than any other man." - - H. M. - - _June, 1885._ - - - - -Burlesque Plays and Poems. - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - -PROLOGUE TO SIR THOPAS. - - - When said was this mirácle, every man - As sober was, that wonder was to see, - Till that our host to japen he began, - And then at erst he lookéd upon me, - And saidé thus: "What man art thou?" quod he. - Thou lookest, as thou wouldest find an hare, - For ever upon the ground I see thee stare. - - "Approché near, and look up merrily. - Now ware you, sirs, and let this man have place. - He in the waist is shapen as well as I: - This were a popet in an arm to embrace - For any woman, small and fair of face. - He seemeth elvish by his countenance, - For unto no wight doth he dalliance. - - "Say now somewhat, sin other folk han said; - Tell us a tale of mirth, and that anon." - "Hosté," quod I, "ne be not evil apaid, - For other talé certes, can I none, - But of a Rime I learnéd yore agone." - "Yea, that is good," quod he, "we shullen hear - Some dainty thing, me thinketh by thy cheere." - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - - - Listeneth, lordings, in good entent, - And I wol tell you _verament_ - Of mirth and of solás, - All of a knight was fair and gent - In battle and in tournamént, - His name was Sir Thopás. - - Yborn he was in far countree, - In Flanders, all beyond the sea, - At Popering in the place, - His father was a man full free, - And lord he was of that countree, - As it was Goddés grace. - - Sir Thopas was a doughty swain, - White was his face as paindemaine - His lippés red as rose. - His rudde is like scarlét in grain, - And I you tell in good certain - He had a seemly nose. - - His hair, his beard, was like saffroun, - That to his girdle raught adown, - His shoon of cordewaine; - Of Bruges were his hosen brown; - His robé was of ciclatoun, - That costé many a jane. - - He could hunt at the wildé dere, - And ride on hawking for the rivere - With grey goshawk on hand: - Thereto he was a good archere, - Of wrestling was there none his peer, - Where any ram should stand. - - Full many a maiden bright in bower - They mournéd for him _par amour_, - When them were bet to slepe; - But he was chaste and no lechóur, - And sweet as is the bramble flower, - That beareth the red hepe. - - And so it fell upon a day, - Forsooth, as I you tellen may, - Sir Thopas would out ride; - He worth upon his stedé gray, - And in his hand a launcegay, - A long sword by his side. - - He pricketh through a fair forést, - Therein is many a wildé beast, - Yea bothé buck and hare, - And as he prickéd North and Est, - I tell it you, him had almest - Betid a sorry care. - - There springen herbés great and smale, - The liquorice and the setewale, - And many a clove gilofre, - And nutémeg to put in ale, - Whether it be moist or stale, - Or for to lain in cofre. - - The birdés singen, it is no nay, - The sparhawk and the popingay, - That joy it was to hear, - The throstel cock made eke his lay, - The wodé dove upon the spray - He sang full loud and clear. - - Sir Thopas fell in love-longíng - All when he heard the throstel sing, - And pricked as he were wood; - His fairé steed in his prícking - So swatté, that men might him wring, - His sidés were all blood. - - Sir Thopas eke so weary was - For pricking on the softé gras, - So fierce was his couráge, - That down he laid him in that place - To maken his stedé som solace, - And gave him good foráge. - - Ah, Seinte Mary, _benedicite_, - What aileth this love at me - To bindé me so sore? - Me dreaméd all this night pardé, - An elf-queen shal my leman be, - And sleep under my gore. - - An elf-queen will I love ywis, - For in this world no wóman is - Worthy to be my make - In town,-- - All other women I forsake, - And to an elf-queen I me take - By dale and eke by down. - - Into his saddle he clomb anon, - And prickéd over stile and stone - An elf-queen for to espie, - Till he so long had ridden and gone, - That he found in a privee wone - The contree of Faerié. - - Wherein he soughté North and South, - And oft he spiéd with his mouth - In many a forest wild, - For in that contree n'as ther non, - That to him durst ride or gon, - Neither wife ne child. - - Till that there came a great geaunt, - His namé was Sir Oliphaunt, - A perilous man of deed, - He saidé, Childe by Termagaunt, - But if thou prick out of mine haunt, - Anon I slay thy stede - With mace. - Here is the Queen of Faerie, - With harp, and pipe, and symphonie, - Dwelling in this place. - - The Childe said, All so mote I thee, - To morrow wol I meten thee, - When I have min armóur, - And yet I hopé _par ma fay_, - That thou shalt with this launcegay - Abien it full soure; - Thy mawe - Shal I perce, if I may, - Or it be fully prime of the day, - For here thou shalt be slawe. - - Sir Thopas drew aback full fast; - This geaunt at him stonés cast - Out of a fell staff sling: - But faire escapéd Childe Thopás, - And all it was through Goddes grace, - And through his fair bearíng. - - Yet listeneth, lordings, to my tale, - Merrier than the nightingale, - For now I will you roune, - How Sir Thopás with sidés smale, - Pricking over hill and dale, - Is comen again to toune. - - His merry men commandeth he, - To maken him bothe game and glee, - For needés must he fight, - With a geaunt with heades three, - For paramour and jolitee - Of one that shone full bright. - - Do come, he said, my minestrales - And gestours for to tellen tales - Anon in mine armíng, - Of romauncés that ben reáles, - Of popés and of cardináles, - And eke of love-longíng. - - They fet him first the sweté wine, - And mead eke in a maseline, - And regal spicerie, - Of ginger-bread that was full fine, - And liquorice and eke cummine, - With sugar that is trie. - - He diddé next his whité lere - Of cloth of laké fine and clere - A breche and eke a sherte, - And next his shert an haketon, - And over that an habergeon, - For piercing of his herte. - - And over that a fine hauberk, - Was all ywrought of Jewes werk, - Full strong it was of plate, - And over that his cote-armoure, - As white as is the lily floure, - In which he would debate. - - His shield was all of gold so red, - And therein was a boarés hed, - A carbuncle beside; - And there he swore on ale and bread - How that the geaunt shuld be dead, - Betide what so betide. - - His jambeux were of cuirbouly, - His swordés sheth of ivory, - His helm of latoun bright, - His saddle was of rewel bone, - His bridle as the sonné shone, - Or as the moné light. - - His speré was of fin cypréss, - That bodeth war, and nothing peace, - The head full sharp yground. - His stedé was all dapple gray, - It goeth an amble in the way - Full softély and round - In londe-- - Lo, Lordes mine, here is a fytte; - If ye wol ony more of it, - To tell it wol I fond. - - Now hold your mouth _pour charité_, - Bothé knight and lady free, - And herkeneth to my spell, - Of bataille and of chivalrie, - Of ladies love and druerie, - Anon I wol you tell. - - Men speken of romauncés of pris, - Of Hornchild, and of Ipotis, - Of Bevis, and Sir Guy, - Of Sir Libeux, and Pleindamour, - But Sir Thopás, he bears the flour - Of reál chivalrie. - - His goodé steed he all bestrode, - And forth upon his way he glode, - As sparkle out of brond; - Upon his crest he bare a tower, - And therein sticked a lily flower, - God shield his corps fro shond. - - And for he was a knight auntrous, - He n'olde slepen in none house, - But liggen in his hood, - His brighté helm was his wangér, - And by him baited his destrér - Of herbés fine and good. - - Himself drank water of the well, - As did the knight Sir Percivell - So worthy under weede, - Till on a day ---- ---- - - "No more of this for Goddés dignitee," - Quod ouré hosté, "for thou makest me - So weary of thy veray lewédnesse, - That all so wisly God my soulé blesse, - Min erés aken of thy drafty speche. - Now swiche a rime the devil I beteche; - This may wel be rime dogérel," quod he. - "Why so?" quod I, "why wolt thou letten me - More of my talé than an other man, - Sin that it is the besté rime I can?" - "Thou dost nought ellés but dispendest time. - Sir, at one word, thou shalt no longer rime." - - - - -THE - -KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - THE PROLOGUE. - _Then a Citizen._ - _The Citizen's Wife, and_ RALPH, _her man, sitting below - amidst the spectators._ - _A rich Merchant._ - JASPER, _his apprentice._ - MASTER HUMPHREY, _a friend to the Merchant._ - LUCE, _the Merchant's daughter._ - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, JASPER'S _mother._ - MICHAEL, _a second son of_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - OLD MR. MERRY-THOUGHT. - _A Squire._ - _A Dwarf._ - _A Tapster._ - _A Boy that danceth and singeth._ - _An Host._ - _A Barber._ - _Two Knights._ - _A Captain._ - _A Sergeant._ - _Soldiers._ - - -_Enter_ PROLOGUE. - - From all that's near the court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. - -_Enter_ CITIZEN. - -_Cit._ Hold your peace, good-man boy. - -_Pro._ What do you mean, sir? - -_Cit._ That you have no good meaning: these seven years there hath -been plays at this house, I have observed it, you have still girds at -citizens; and now you call your play "The London Merchant." Down with -your title, boy, down with your title. - -_Pro._ Are you a member of the noble city? - -_Cit._ I am. - -_Pro._ And a freeman? - -_Cit._ Yea, and a grocer. - -_Pro._ So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the -city. - -_Cit._ No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the jacks, -what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? -Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with the legend of -Whittington, or the Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the -building of the Royal Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the -rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks? - -_Pro._ You seem to be an understanding man; what would you have us do, -sir? - -_Cit._ Why, present something notably in honour of the commons of the -city. - -_Pro._ Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat Drake, or the -repairing of Fleet privies? - -_Cit._ I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of -my own trade. - -_Pro._ Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, our play is -ready to begin now. - -_Cit._ 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall do -admirable things. - -_Pro._ What will you have him do? - -_Cit._ Marry I will have him---- - - _Wife._ Husband, husband! [WIFE _below._ - - _Ralph._ Peace, mistress. [RALPH _below._ - -_Wife._ Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant ye. Husband, -husband! - -_Cit._ What sayest thou, cony? - -_Wife._ Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill a lion -with a pestle. - -_Cit._ So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle. - -_Wife._ Husband, shall I come up, husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, gentlemen, -make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my -wife; I thank you, sir, so. - -_Wife._ By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, I'm a -stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as they say, before; -but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and my husband hath promised me -anytime this twelvemonth, to carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in -truth he did not; I pray you bear with me. - -_Cit._ Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin, -and let the grocer do rare things. - -_Pro._ But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one hath a part -already. - -_Wife._ Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; beshrew me -if I do not think he will go beyond them all. - -_Cit._ Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, gentlemen, -let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and necessaries, and by Gad, if -any of them all blow wind in the tail on him, I'll be hanged. - -_Wife._ I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll be -sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you sometimes at -our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: he will fetch you up -a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as feared I warrant -you, that we quake again. We fear our children with him, if they be never -so unruly, do but cry "Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be -as quiet as lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what thou -canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen will accept -of it. - -_Cit._ Do, Ralph, do. - - _Ralph._ By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap - To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon, - Or dive into the bottom of the sea, - Where never fathom line touched any ground, - And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell. - -_Cit._ How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you? - -_Wife._ Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband says, -"Musidorus," before the wardens of our company. - -_Cit._ Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker for a -wager. - -_Pro._ He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in. - -_Cit._ In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, if -thou lovest me. - -_Wife._ I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed. - -_Pro._ But what will you have it called? - -_Cit._ "The Grocer's Honour." - -_Pro._ Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were better. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be. - -_Cit._ Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down. - -_Pro._ I pray you do. - -_Cit._ What stately music have you? Have you shawns? - -_Pro._ Shawns? No. - -_Cit._ No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph plays a -stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at the charge of -them myself rather than we'll be without them. - -_Pro._ So you are like to be. - -_Cit._ Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the waits -of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that -will fetch them all o'er the water with a vengeance, as if they were mad. - -_Pro._ You shall have them; will you sit down, then? - -_Cit._ Ay, come, wife. - -_Wife._ Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst you for my -ease. - - _Pro._ From all that's near the Court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence - All private taxes, all immodest phrases, - Whatever may but show like vicious, - For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings, - But honest minds are pleased with honest things. - Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must - answer for't yourself. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you. - -_Wife._ I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ JASPER _his man_. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, I'll make you know you are my prentice, - And whom my charitable love redeem'd - Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat - And growth, to be what now thou art; new cast thee, - Adding the trust of all I have at home, - In foreign staples, or upon the sea, - To thy direction; tied the good opinions - Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours,-- - So fair were thy beginnings. But with these, - As I remember, you had never charge - To love your master's daughter, and even then, - When I had found a wealthy husband for her, - I take it, sir, you had not; but, however, - I'll break the neck of that commission, - And make you know you're but a merchant's factor. - - _Jasp._ Sir, I do lib'rally confess I'm yours, - Bound both by love and duty to your service: - In which my labour hath been all my profit. - I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted - To wear your honest gains upon my back, - Nor have I giv'n a pension to my blood, - Or lavishly in play consum'd your stock. - These, and the miseries that do attend them, - I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers - To all my temperate actions; for your daughter, - If there be any love to my deservings - Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it: - Nor am I able to refrain her wishes. - She's private to herself, and best of knowledge - Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for. - Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her - Unto a fellow of so lame a presence, - One that hath little left of nature in him. - - _Merch._ 'Tis very well, sir, I can tell your wisdom - How all this shall be cured. - - _Jasp._ Your care becomes you. - - _Merch._ And thus it shall be, sir; I here discharge you - My house and service. Take your liberty, - And when I want a son I'll send for you. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ These be the fair rewards of them that love, - Oh you that live in freedom never prove - The travail of a mind led by desire. - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Why how now, friend, struck with my father's thunder? - - _Jasp._ Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy - Be full of speed and virtue; I am now, - What I expected long, no more your father's. - - _Luce._ But mine. - - _Jasp._ But yours, and only yours I am, - That's all I have to keep me from the statute; - You dare be constant still? - - _Luce._ O fear me not. - In this I dare be better than a woman. - Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me, - Were they both equal to a prince's power. - - _Jasp._ You know my rival? - - _Luce._ Yes, and love him dearly, - E'en as I love an ague, or foul weather; - I prithee, Jasper, fear him not. - - _Jasp._ Oh no, - I do not mean to do him so much kindness. - But to our own desires: you know the plot - We both agreed on. - - _Luce._ Yes, and will perform - My part exactly. - - _Jasp._ I desire no more, - Farewell, and keep my heart, 'tis yours. - - _Luce._ I take it, - He must do miracles, makes me forsake it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Fie upon 'em, little infidels, what a matter's here now? Well, -I'll be hang'd for a half-penny, if there be not some abomination knavery -in this play; well, let 'em look to it, Ralph must come, and if there be -any tricks a-brewing---- - -_Wife._ Let 'em brew and bake too, husband, a God's name. Ralph will find -all out I warrant you, and they were older than they are. I pray, my -pretty youth, is Ralph ready? - -_Boy._ He will be presently. - -_Wife._ Now I pray you make my commendations unto him, and withal, carry -him this stick of liquorice; tell him his mistress sent it him, and bid -him bite a piece, 'twill open his pipes the better, say. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ MASTER HUMPHREY. - - _Merch._ Come, sir, she's yours, upon my faith she's yours, - You have my hand; for other idle lets, - Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind - They're scattered, and no more. My wanton prentice, - That like a bladder blew himself with love, - I have let out, and sent him to discover - New masters yet unknown. - - _Hum._ I thank you, sir, - Indeed I thank you, sir; and ere I stir, - It shall be known, however you do deem, - I am of gentle blood, and gentle seem. - - _Merch._ Oh, sir, I know it certain. - - _Hum._ Sir, my friend, - Although, as writers say, all things have end, - And that we call a pudding, hath his two, - Oh let it not seem strange, I pray to you, - If in this bloody simile, I put - My love, more endless than frail things or gut. - -_Wife._ Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing, but tell me -truly. Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my husband. - -_Cit._ What is it, mouse? - -_Wife._ Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it behaves -itself, I warrant you: and speaks and looks, and perts up the head? I -pray you brother, with your favour, were you never one of Mr. Muncaster's -scholars? - -_Cit._ Chicken, I prithee heartily contain thyself, the childer are -pretty childer, but when Ralph comes, lamb! - -_Wife._ Ay, when Ralph comes, cony! Well, my youth, you may proceed. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope, - Assured of my consent; get but my daughter's, - And wed her when you please; you must be bold, - And clap in close unto her; come, I know - You've language good enough to win a wench. - -_Wife._ A toity tyrant, hath been an old stringer in his days, I warrant -him. - - _Hum._ I take your gentle offer, and withal - Yield love again for love reciprocal. - - _Mar._ What, Luce, within there? - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Called you, sir? - - _Merch._ I did; - Give entertainment to this gentleman; - And see you be not froward: to her, sir, [_Exit._ - My presence will but be an eyesore to you. - - _Hum._ Fair mistress Luce, how do you, are you well? - Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell, - How doth your little sister, and your brother, - And whether you love me or any other? - - _Luce._ Sir, these are quickly answered. - - _Hum._ So they are, - Where women are not cruel; but how far - Is it now distant from the place we are in, - Unto that blessed place, your father's warren. - - _Luce._ What makes you think of that, sir? - - _Hum._ E'en that face, - For stealing rabbits whilome in that place, - God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether, - Unto my cost and charges brought you thither, - And there began---- - - _Luce._ Your game, sir. - - _Hum._ Let no game, - Or anything that tendeth to the same, - Be evermore remembered, thou fair killer, - For whom I sate me down and brake my tiller. - -_Wife._ There's a kind gentleman, I warrant you. When will you do as much -for me, George? - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, I'm sorry for your losses, - But as the proverb says, I cannot cry; - I would you had not seen me. - - _Hum._ So would I, - Unless you had more maw to do me good. - - _Luce._ Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood? - Send for a constable, and raise the town. - - _Hum._ Oh no, my valiant love will batter down - Millions of constables, and put to flight - E'en that great watch of Midsummer Day at night. - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, 'twere good I yielded then, - Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men - Have no resistance. - - _Hum._ Yield then, I am full - Of pity, though I say it, and can pull - Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves. - Look, Luce, look, the dog's tooth, nor the doves - Are not so white as these; and sweet they be, - And whipt about with silk, as you may see. - If you desire the price, shoot from your eye - A beam to this place, and you shall espy - F. S., which is to say, my sweetest honey, - They cost me three-and-twopence, and no money. - - _Luce._ Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you; what - What would you more? - - _Hum._ Nothing. - - _Luce._ Why then, farewell. - - _Hum._ Nor so, nor so, for, lady, I must tell, - Before we part, for what we met together, - God grant me time, and patience, and fair weather. - - _Luce._ Speak and declare your mind in terms so brief. - - _Hum._ I shall; then first and foremost, for relief - I call to you, if that you can afford it, - I care not at what price, for on my word it - Shall be repaid again, although it cost me - More than I'll speak of now, for love hath tost me - In furious blanket like a tennis-ball, - And now I rise aloft, and now I fall. - - _Luce._ Alas, good gentleman, alas the day. - - _Hum._ I thank you heartily, and as I say, - Thus do I still continue without rest, - I' th' morning like a man, at night a beast, - Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet, - That much I fear, forsaking of my diet, - Will bring me presently to that quandary, - I shall bid all adieu. - - _Luce._ Now, by St. Mary - That were great pity. - - _Hum._ So it were, beshrew me, - Then ease me, lusty Luce, and pity shew me. - - _Luce._ Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth - Without my father's grant; get his consent, - And then you may with full assurance try me. - - _Hum._ The worshipful your sire will not deny me, - For I have ask'd him, and he hath replied, - Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride. - - _Luce._ Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content. - - _Hum._ And so am I, in truth. - - _Luce._ Yet take me with you. - There is another clause must be annext, - And this it is I swore, and will perform it, - No man shall ever joy me as his wife, - But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture, - I'm yours; you need not fear, my father loves you, - If not, farewell, for ever. - - _Hum._ Stay, nymph, stay, - I have a double gelding, coloured bay, - Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind, - Another for myself, though somewhat blind, - Yet true as trusty tree. - - _Luce._ I'm satisfied, - And so I give my hand; our course must lie - Through Waltham Forest, where I have a friend - Will entertain us; so farewell, Sir Humphrey, - And think upon your business. [_Exit_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Though I die, - I am resolv'd to venture life and limb, - For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim. [_Exit_ HUM. - -_Wife._ By my faith and troth, George, and as I am virtuous, it is e'en -the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather; well, go thy ways, -if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault i'faith. - -_Cit._ I prithee, mouse, be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make some -of 'em smoke for't. - -_Wife._ That's my good lamb, George; fie, this stinking tobacco kills me, -would there were none in England. Now I pray, gentlemen, what good does -this stinking tobacco do you? nothing; I warrant you make chimnies o' -your faces. Oh, husband, husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, _like a grocer in his shop, with two prentices, reading -"Palmerin of England."_ - -_Cit._ Peace, fool, let Ralph alone; hark you, Ralph, do not strain -yourself too much at the first. Peace, begin, Ralph. - -_Ralph. Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their lances from their -dwarfs, and clasping their helmets, galloped amain after the giant, and -Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, came posting amain, saying, "Stay, -traitorous thief, for thou mayst not so carry away her that is worth the -greatest lord in the world;" and, with these words, gave him a blow on -the shoulder, that he struck him beside his elephant; and Trineus coming -to the knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon beside his -horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the princess, getting -out of the throng, between joy and grief said, "All happy knight, the -mirror of all such as follow arms, now may I be well assured of the -love thou bearest me."_ I wonder why the kings do not raise an army of -fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as the army that the -Prince of Portigo brought against Rosicler, and destroy these giants; -they do much hurt to wandering damsels that go in quest of their knights. - -_Wife._ Faith, husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the King of -Portugal cannot sit at his meat but the giants and the ettins will come -and snatch it from him. - -_Cit._ Hold thy tongue; on, Ralph. - -_Ralph._ And certainly those knights are much to be commended who, -neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire and a dwarf through -the deserts to relieve poor ladies. - -_Wife._ Ay, by my faith are they, Ralph, let 'em say what they will, they -are indeed; our knights neglect their possessions well enough, but they -do not the rest. - -_Ralph._ There are no such courteous and fair well-spoken knights in this -age; they will call one the son of a sea-cook that Palmerin of England -would have called fair sir; and one that Rosicler would have called right -beautiful damsel they will call old witch. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have called me so an hundred -times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco. - -_Ralph._ But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his shop, -with a flapet of wood, and a blue apron before him, selling Methridatam -and Dragons' Water to visited houses, that might pursue feats of arms, -and through his noble achievements procure such a famous history to be -written of his heroic prowess? - -_Cit._ Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph. - -_Wife._ They go finely, by my troth. - -_Ralph._ Why should I not then pursue this course, both for the credit of -myself and our company? for amongst all the worthy books of achievements, -I do not call to mind that I yet read of a grocer errant: I will be the -said knight. Have you heard of any that hath wandered unfurnished of his -squire and dwarf? My elder prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and -little George my dwarf. Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance of my -former trade, upon my shield shall be portrayed a burning pestle, and I -will be called the Knight of the Burning Pestle. - -_Wife._ Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade, thou wert -ever meek. Ralph! Tim! - -_Tim._ Anon. - -_Ralph._ My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge you that from -henceforth you never call me by any other name but the Right courteous -and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle; and that you never call any -female by the name of a woman or wench, but fair lady, if she have her -desires; if not, distressed damsel; that you call all forests and heaths, -deserts; and all horses, palfreys. - -_Wife._ This is very fine: faith, do the gentlemen like Ralph, think you, -husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, I warrant thee, the players would give all the shoes in their -shop for him. - -_Ralph._ My beloved Squire Tim, stand out. Admit this were a desert, and -over it a knight errant pricking, and I should bid you inquire of his -intents, what would you say? - -_Tim._ Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding? - -_Ralph._ No, thus: Fair sir, the Right courteous and valiant Knight of -the Burning Pestle, commanded me to inquire upon what adventure you are -bound, whether to relieve some distressed damsel or otherwise. - -_Cit._ Dunder blockhead cannot remember. - -_Wife._ I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before; all the gentlemen heard -him; did he not, gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him on't? - -_George._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, here -is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of pepper. - -_Wife._ That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it; by my troth -it's a fine child. - -_Ralph._ Relieve her with all courteous language; now shut up shop: no -more my prentice, but my trusty squire and dwarf, I must bespeak my -shield, and arming pestle. - -_Cit._ Go thy ways, Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the best on 'em -all. - -_Wife._ Ralph! Ralph! - -_Ralph._ What say you, mistress? - -_Wife._ I prithee come again quickly, sweet Ralph. - - _Ralph._ By-and-by. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and his mother_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Mist. Mer._ Give thee my blessing? No, I'll never give thee my -blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'er be said I gave -thee my blessing. Thou art thy father's own son, of the blood of the -Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'er I knew thy father, he hath -spent all his own, and mine too, and when I tell him of it, he laughs and -dances and sings, and cries "A merry heart lives long-a." And thou art a -wast-thrift, and art run away from thy master, that lov'd thee well, and -art come to me, and I have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, -and thou thinkest to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to do it. -Come hither, Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, thou shalt have my -blessing. - -_Enter_ MICHAEL. - -_Mich._ I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me. - -_Mist. Mer._ God bless thee; but Jasper shall never have my blessing, he -shall be hang'd first, shall he not, Michael? how sayest thou? - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, and grace of God. - -_Mist. Mer._ That's a good boy. - -_Wife._ I'faith, it's a fine spoken child. - - _Jasp._ Mother, though you forget a parent's love, - I must preserve the duty of a child. - I ran not from my master, nor return - To have your stock maintain my idleness. - -_Wife._ Ungracious child I warrant him, hark how he chops logic with his -mother; thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell her she lies. - -_Cit._ If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and flea him, -and salt him, humpty halter-sack. - - _Jasp._ My coming only is to beg your love, - Which I must ever, though I never gain it; - And howsoever you esteem of me, - There is no drop of blood hid in these veins, - But I remember well belongs to you, - That brought me forth, and would be glad for you - To rip them all again, and let it out. - -_Mist. Mer._ I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee, God knows; but I'll -hamper thee well enough: get thee in, thou vagabond, get thee in, and -learn of thy brother Michael. - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Nose, nose, jolly red nose, - And who gave thee this jolly red nose?" - - _Mist. Mer._ Hark, my husband he's singing and hoiting, - And I'm fain to cark and care, and all little enough. - Husband, Charles, Charles Merry-thought! - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves, - And they gave me this jolly red nose." - -_Mist. Mer._ If you would consider your estate, you would have little -list to sing, I wis. - -_Old Mer._ It should never be considered, while it were an estate, if I -thought it would spoil my singing. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old man, and thou -canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou eatest -good meat, and drinkest good drink, and laughest? - -_Old Mer._ And will do. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou come by it, Charles? - -_Old Mer._ How? Why how have I done hitherto these forty years? I never -came into my dining-room, but at eleven and six o'clock I found excellent -meat and drink o' th' table. My clothes were never worn out, but next -morning a tailor brought me a new suit, and without question it will be -so ever! Use makes perfectness; if all should fail, it is but a little -straining myself extraordinary, and laugh myself to death. - -_Wife._ It's a foolish old man this: is not he, George? - -_Cit._ Yes, honey. - -_Wife._ Give me a penny i' th' purse while I live, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, by'r lady, honey hold thee there. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, Charles, you promised to provide for Jasper, and I -have laid up for Michael. I pray you pay Jasper his portion, he's come -home, and he shall not consume Michael's stock; he says his master turned -him away, but I promise you truly, I think he ran away. - -_Wife._ No indeed, Mistress Merry-thought, though he be a notable -gallows, yet I'll assure you his master did turn him away, even in this -place, 'twas i'faith within this half-hour, about his daughter; my -husband was by. - -_Cit._ Hang him, rogue, he served him well enough: love his master's -daughter! By my troth, honey, if there were a thousand boys, thou wouldst -spoil them all, with taking their parts; let his mother alone with him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but yet truth is truth. - -_Old Mer._ Where is Jasper? He's welcome, however, call him in, he shall -have his portion; is he merry? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper! Michael! - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Old Mer._ Welcome, Jasper, though thou runn'st away, welcome! God bless -thee! It is thy mother's mind thou should'st receive thy portion; thou -hast been abroad, and I hope hast learnt experience enough to govern it. -Thou art of sufficient years. Hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, -six, seven, eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee; thrust thyself -into the world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune -cross thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty -shillings left. Be a good husband, that is, wear ordinary clothes, eat -the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give to the poor, -and believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods. - - _Jasp._ Long may you live free from all thought of ill, - And long have cause to be thus merry still. - But, father? - -_Old Mer._ No more words, Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my blessing, -thy father's spirit upon thee. Farewell, Jasper. - - "But yet, or e'er you part (oh cruel), - Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting, - Mine own dear jewel." - - So, now begone, no words. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Mist. Mer._ So, Michael, now get thee gone too. - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, but I'll have my father's blessing first. - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou hast my -blessing. Begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels and follow thee: I'll -stay no longer with him I warrant thee. Truly, Charles, I'll be gone too. - -_Old Mer._ What? You will not. - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes indeed will I. - - _Old Mer._ "Heyho, farewell, Nan, - I'll never trust wench more again, if I can." - -_Mist. Mer._ You shall not think (when all your own is gone) to spend -that I have been scraping up for Michael. - -_Old Mer._ Farewell, good wife, I expect it not, all I have to do in this -world is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not taken from me; -and if it be, - - "When earth and seas from me are reft, - The skies aloft for me are left." [_Exeunt._ - [_Boy dances. Music._ - - _Finis Actus Primi._ - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn he's a merry old gentleman for all that. Hark, -hark, husband, hark, fiddles, fiddles; now surely they go finely. They -say 'tis present death for these fiddlers to tune their rebecks before -the great Turk's grace, is't not, George? But look, look, here's a youth -dances; now, good youth, do a turn o' the toe. Sweetheart, i'faith I'll -have Ralph come and do some of his gambols: he'll ride the wild mare, -gentlemen, 'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you, kind -youth, pray bid Ralph come. - -_Cit._ Peace, conie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players send Ralph, -or an' they do not I'll tear some of their periwigs beside their heads; -this is all riff-raff. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ HUMPHREY. - -_Merch._ And how faith? how goes it now, son Humphrey? - - _Hum._ Right worshipful and my beloved friend, - And father dear, this matter's at an end. - - _Merch._ 'Tis well, it should be so, I'm glad the girl - Is found so tractable. - - _Hum._ Nay, she must whirl - From hence (and you must wink: for so I say, - The story tells), to-morrow before day. - -_Wife._ George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be a -match? tell me but what thou thinkest, sweet rogue, thou seest the poor -gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I warrant you, to be at -rest: I'll go move the father for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I prithee sit still, honeysuckle, thou'lt spoil all; if -he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows myself, and in the -shutting of an evening knock it up, and there's an end. - -_Wife._ I'll buss thee for that i'faith, boy; well, George, well, you -have been a wag in your days I warrant you; but God forgive you, and I do -with all my heart. - -_Merch._ How was it, son? you told me that to-morrow before daybreak, you -must convey her hence. - - _Hum._ I must, I must, and thus it is agreed, - Your daughter rides upon a brown bay steed, - I on a sorrel, which I bought of Brian, - The honest host of the Red Roaring Lion, - In Waltham situate: then if you may, - Consent in seemly sort, lest by delay, - The fatal sisters come, and do the office, - And then you'll sing another song. - - _Merch._ Alas, - Why should you be thus full of grief to me, - That do as willing as yourself agree - To anything, so it be good and fair? - Then steal her when you will, if such a pleasure - Content you both, I'll sleep and never see it, - To make your joys more full: but tell me why - You may not here perform your marriage? - -_Wife._ God's blessing o' thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art loath to -part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm glad on't; well, go -thy ways, Humphrey, for a fair-spoken man. I believe thou hast not a -fellow within the walls of London; an' I should say the suburbs too, I -should not lie. Why dost not thou rejoice with me, George? - -_Cit._ If I could but see Ralph again, I were as merry as mine host -i'faith. - - _Hum._ The cause you seem to ask, I thus declare; - Help me, O Muses nine: your daughter sware - A foolish oath, the more it was the pity: - Yet no one but myself within this city - Shall dare to say so, but a bold defiance - Shall meet him, were he of the noble science. - And yet she sware, and yet why did she swear? - Truly I cannot tell, unless it were - For her own ease; for sure sometimes an oath, - Being sworn thereafter, is like cordial broth: - And this it was she swore, never to marry, - But such a one whose mighty arm could carry - (As meaning me, for I am such a one) - Her bodily away through stick and stone, - Till both of us arrive, at her request, - Some ten miles off in the wide Waltham Forést. - - _Merch._ If this be all, you shall not need to fear - Any denial in your love; proceed, - I'll neither follow nor repent the deed. - - _Hum._ Good night, twenty good nights, and twenty more, - And twenty more good nights: that makes threescore. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and her son_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, art thou not weary, boy? - -_Mich._ No, forsooth, mother, not I. - -_Mist. Mer._ Where be we now, child? - -_Mich._ Indeed forsooth, mother, I cannot tell, unless we be at Mile End. -Is not all the world Mile End, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, not all the world, boy; but I can assure thee, -Michael, Mile End is a goodly matter. There has been a pitched field, my -child, between the naughty Spaniels and the Englishmen; and the Spaniels -ran away, Michael, and the Englishmen followed. My neighbour Coxstone was -there, boy, and killed them all with a birding-piece. - -_Mich._ Mother, forsooth. - -_Mist. Mer._ What says my white boy? - -_Mich._ Shall not my father go with us too? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, let thy father go snick-up, he shall never come -between a pair of sheets with me again while he lives: let him stay at -home and sing for his supper, boy. Come, child, sit down, and I'll show -my boy fine knacks indeed; look here, Michael, here's a ring, and here's -a brooch, and here's a bracelet, and here's two rings more, and here's -money, and gold by th' eye, my boy. - -_Mich._ Shall I have all this, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, Michael, thou shalt have all, Michael. - -_Cit._ How lik'st thou this, wench? - -_Wife._ I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no more else -indeed la: and I pray you let the youths understand so much by word of -mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' my boy. Come, come, -George, let's be merry and wise, the child's a fatherless child, and say -they should put him into a strait pair of gaskins, 'twere worse than -knot-grass, he would never grow after it. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Here's Ralph, here's Ralph. - -_Wife._ How do you, Ralph? You are welcome, Ralph, as I may say, it's a -good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, we are thy friends, Ralph. -The gentlemen will praise thee, Ralph, if thou play'st thy part with -audacity; begin, Ralph a God's name. - -_Ralph._ My trusty squire, unlace my helm, give me my hat; where are we, -or what desert might this be? - -_Dwarf._ Mirror of knighthood, this is, as I take it, the perilous -Waltham down, in whose bottom stands the enchanted valley. - -_Mist. Mer._ Oh, Michael, we are betrayed, we are betrayed, here be -giants; fly, boy; fly, boy; fly! - - [_Exeunt_ MOTHER _and_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Lace on my helm again; what noise is this? - A gentle lady flying the embrace - Of some uncourteous knight: I will relieve her. - Go, squire, and say, the knight that wears this pestle - In honour of all ladies, swears revenge - Upon that recreant coward that pursues her; - Go, comfort her, and that same gentle squire - That bears her company. - - _Squire._ I go, brave knight. - - _Ralph._ My trusty dwarf and friend, reach me my shield, - And hold it while I swear, first by my knighthood, - Then by the soul of Amadis de Gaul, - My famous ancestor, then by my sword, - The beauteous Brionella girt about me, - By this bright burning pestle, of mine honour - The living trophy, and by all respect - Due to distressed damsels, here I vow - Never to end the quest of this fair lady, - And that forsaken squire, till by my valour - I gain their liberty. - - _Dwarf._ Heaven bless the knight - That thus relieves poor errant gentlewomen. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Ay marry, Ralph, this has some savour in it, I would see the -proudest of them all offer to carry his books after him. But, George, I -will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick if he go away, that I -shall; call Ralph again, George, call Ralph again: I prithee, sweetheart, -let him come fight before me, and let's have some drums and trumpets, and -let him kill all that comes near him, an' thou lov'st me, George. - -_Cit._ Peace a little, bird, he shall kill them all, an' they were twenty -more on 'em than there are. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Now, Fortune (if thou be'st not only ill), - Show me thy better face, and bring about - Thy desperate wheel, that I may climb at length - And stand; this is our place of meeting, - If love have any constancy. Oh age - Where only wealthy men are counted happy: - How shall I please thee? how deserve thy smiles, - When I am only rich in misery? - My father's blessing, and this little coin - Is my inheritance. A strong revenue! - From earth thou art, and unto earth I give thee. - There grow and multiply, whilst fresher air - Breeds me a fresher fortune. How, illusion! [_Spies the casket._ - What, hath the devil coined himself before me? - 'Tis metal good, it rings well, I am waking, - And taking too I hope; now God's dear blessing - Upon his heart that left it here, 'tis mine; - These pearls, I take it, were not left for swine. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ I do not like this unthrifty youth should embezzle away the -money; the poor gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy heart for it, -God knows. - -_Cit._ And reason good, sweetheart. - -_Wife._ But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall fetch him -again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above ground; and besides, -George, here be a number of sufficient gentlemen can witness, and myself, -and yourself, and the musicians, if we be called in question; but here -comes Ralph, George; thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ Comes not Sir Squire again? - - _Dwarf._ Right courteous knight, - Your squire doth come, and with him comes the lady - Fair, and the squire of damsels, as I take it. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, _and_ SQUIRE. - - _Ralph._ Madam, if any service or devoir - Of a poor errant knight may right your wrongs, - Command it. I am prest to give you succour, - For to that holy end I bear my armour. - -_Mist. Mer._ Alas, sir, I am a poor gentlewoman, and I have lost my money -in this forest. - - _Ralph._ Desert, you would say, lady, and not lost - Whilst I have sword and lance; dry up your tears, - Which ill befit the beauty of that face, - And tell the story, if I may request it, - Of your disastrous fortune. - -_Mist. Mer._ Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand pound, -e'en all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the sight of -your mastership. You looked so grim, and as I may say it, saving your -presence, more like a giant than a mortal man. - - _Ralph._ I am as you are, lady, so are they - All mortal; but why weeps this gentle squire? - -_Mist. Mer._ Has he not cause to weep do you think, when he has lost his -inheritance? - - _Ralph._ Young hope of valour, weep not, I am here - That will confound thy foe, and pay it dear - Upon his coward head, that dare deny - Distresséd squires and ladies equity. - I have but one horse, upon which shall ride - This lady fair behind me, and before - This courteous squire, fortune will give us more - Upon our next adventure; fairly speed - Beside us squire and dwarf, to do us need. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Did not I tell you, Nell, what your man would do? by the faith of -my body, wench, for clean action and good delivery, they may all cast -their caps at him. - -_Wife._ And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the twelve -companies of London cannot match him, timber for timber. Well, George, -an' he be not inveigled by some of these paltry players, I ha' much -marvel; but, George, we ha' done our parts, if the boy have any grace to -be thankful. - -_Cit._ Yes, I warrant you, duckling. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Good Mistress Luce, however I in fault am - For your lame horse, you're welcome unto Waltham! - But which way now to go, or what to say - I know not truly, till it be broad day. - - _Luce._ O fear not, Master Humphrey, I am guide - For this place good enough. - - _Hum._ Then up and ride, - Or if it please you, walk for your repose, - Or sit, or if you will, go pluck a rose: - Either of which shall be indifferent - To your good friend and Humphrey, whose consent - Is so entangled ever to your will, - As the poor harmless horse is to the mill. - - _Luce._ Faith and you say the word, we'll e'en sit down, - And take a nap. - - _Hum._ 'Tis better in the town, - Where we may nap together; for believe me, - To sleep without a match would mickle grieve me. - - _Luce._ You're merry, Master Humphrey. - - _Hum._ So I am, - And have been ever merry from my dam. - - _Luce._ Your nurse had the less labour. - - _Hum._ Faith it may be, - Unless it were by chance I did bewray me. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Luce, dear friend Luce. - - _Luce._ Here, Jasper. - - _Jasp._ You are mine. - - _Hum._ If it be so, my friend, you use me fine: - What do you think I am? - - _Jasp._ An arrant noddy. - - _Hum._ A word of obloquy; now by my body, - I'll tell thy master, for I know thee well. - - _Jasp._ Nay, an' you be so forward for to tell, - Take that, and that, and tell him, sir, I gave it: [_Beats him._ - And say I paid you well. - - _Hum._ O, sir, I have it, - And do confess the payment, pray be quiet. - - _Jasp._ Go, get you to your night-cap and the diet, - To cure your beaten bones. - - _Luce._ Alas, poor Humphrey, - Get thee some wholesome broth with sage and cumfry: - A little oil of roses, and a feather - To 'noint thy back withal. - - _Hum._ When I came hither, - Would I had gone to Paris with John Dory. - - _Luce._ Farewell, my pretty numps, I'm very sorry - I cannot bear thee company. - - _Hum._ Farewell, - The devil's dam was ne'er so bang'd in hell. [_Exeunt._ - -_Manet_ HUMPHREY. - -_Wife._ This young Jasper will prove me another things, a my conscience, -and he may be suffered; George, dost not see, George, how a swaggers, and -flies at the very heads a folks as he were a dragon; well, if I do not -do his lesson for wronging the poor gentleman, I am no true woman; his -friends that brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, than -have taught him these fegaries: he's e'en in the highway to the gallows, -God bless him. - -_Cit._ You're too bitter, cony, the young man may do well enough for all -this. - -_Wife._ Come hither, Master Humphrey, has he hurt you? Now beshrew his -fingers for't; here, sweetheart, here's some green ginger for thee, now -beshrew my heart, but a has peppernel in's head, as big as a pullet's -egg; alas, sweet lamb, how thy temples beat; take the peace on him, -sweetheart, take the peace on him. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ No, no, you talk like a foolish woman; I'll ha' Ralph fight with -him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly. Sirrah boy, come hither, let -Ralph come in and fight with Jasper. - -_Wife._ Ay, and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy. - -_Boy._ Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our play lies contrary, and -'twill hazard the spoiling of our play. - -_Cit._ Plot me no plots, I'll ha' Ralph come out; I'll make your house -too hot for you else. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, he shall; but if anything fall out of order, the -gentlemen must pardon us. - -_Cit._ Go your ways, goodman boy, I'll hold him a penny he shall have his -belly full of fighting now. Ho, here comes Ralph; no more. - -_Enter_ RALPH, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ What knight is that, squire? Ask him if he keep - The passage bound by love of lady fair, - Or else but prickant. - - _Hum._ Sir, I am no knight, - But a poor gentleman, that this same night, - Had stolen from me, upon yonder green, - My lovely wife, and suffered (to be seen - Yet extant on my shoulders) such a greeting, - That whilst I live, I shall think of that meeting. - -_Wife._ Ay, Ralph, he beat him unmercifully, Ralph, an' thou spar'st him, -Ralph, I would thou wert hang'd. - -_Cit._ No more, wife, no more. - - _Ralph._ Where is the caitiff wretch hath done this deed? - Lady, your pardon, that I may proceed - Upon the quest of this injurious knight. - And thou, fair squire, repute me not the worse, - In leaving the great 'venture of the purse - And the rich casket, till some better leisure. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Here comes the broker hath purloined my treasure. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire, and tell him I am here, - An errant knight at arms, to crave delivery - Of that fair lady to her own knight's arms. - If he deny, bid him take choice of ground, - And so defy him. - - _Squire._ From the knight that bears - The golden pestle, I defy thee, knight, - Unless thou make fair restitution - Of that bright lady. - - _Jasp._ Tell the knight that sent thee - He is an ass, and I will keep the wench, - And knock his head-piece. - - _Ralph._ Knight, thou art but dead, - If thou recall not thy uncourteous terms. - -_Wife._ Break his pate, Ralph; break his pate, Ralph, soundly. - - _Jasp._ Come, knight, I'm ready for you, now your pestle - [_Snatches away his pestle._ - Shall try what temper, sir, your mortar's of; - With that he stood upright in his stirrups, - And gave the knight of the calves-skin such a knock, - That he forsook his horse, and down he fell, - And then he leaped upon him, and plucking off his helmet---- - - _Hum._ Nay, an' my noble knight be down so soon, - Though I can scarcely go, I needs must run---- - [_Exit_ HUMPHREY _and_ RALPH. - -_Wife._ Run, Ralph; run, Ralph; run for thy life, boy; Jasper comes, -Jasper comes! - - _Jasp._ Come, Luce, we must have other arms for you. - Humphrey and Golden Pestle, both adieu. [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Sure the devil, God bless us, is in this springald; why, George, -didst ever see such a fire-drake? I am afraid my boy's miscarried; if he -be, though he were Master Merry-thought's son a thousand times, if there -be any law in England, I'll make some of them smart for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I have found out the matter, sweetheart. Jasper is -enchanted as sure as we are here, he is enchanted; he could no more have -stood in Ralph's hands than I can stand in my Lord Mayor's; I'll have a -ring to discover all enchantments, and Ralph shall beat him yet. Be no -more vexed, for it shall be so. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, DWARF, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Wife._ Oh, husband, here's Ralph again; stay, Ralph, let me speak with -thee; how dost thou, Ralph? Art thou not shrewdly hurt? The foul great -lunges laid unmercifully on thee! There's some sugar-candy for thee; -proceed, thou shalt have another bout with him. - -_Cit._ If Ralph had him at the fencing-school, if he did not make a puppy -of him, and drive him up and down the school, he should ne'er come in my -shop more. - -_Mist. Mer._ Truly, Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, I am weary. - -_Mich._ Indeed la mother, and I'm very hungry. - - _Ralph._ Take comfort, gentle dame, and your fair squire. - For in this desert there must needs be placed - Many strong castles, held by courteous knights, - And till I bring you safe to one of those - I swear by this my order ne'er to leave you. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph: George, Ralph was ever comfortable, was he not? - -_Cit._ Yes, duck. - -_Wife._ I shall ne'er forget him. When we had lost our child, you know it -was strayed almost alone to Puddle Wharf, and the criers were abroad for -it, and there it had drowned itself but for a sculler, Ralph was the most -comfortablest to me: "Peace mistress," says he, "let it go, I'll get you -another as good." Did he not, George? Did he not say so? - -_Cit._ Yes indeed did he, mouse. - -_Dwarf._ I would we had a mess of pottage and a pot of drink, squire, and -were going to bed. - -_Squire._ Why, we are at Waltham town's end, and that's the Bell Inn. - - _Dwarf._ Take courage, valiant knight, damsel, and squire, - I have discovered, not a stone's cast off, - An ancient castle held by the old knight - Of the most holy order of the Bell, - Who gives to all knights errant entertain; - There plenty is of food, and all prepar'd - By the white hands of his own lady dear. - He hath three squires that welcome all his guests: - The first, high Chamberlino, who will see - Our beds prepared, and bring us snowy sheets; - The second hight Tapstero, who will see - Our pots full filléd, and no froth therein; - The third, a gentle squire Ostlero hight, - Who will our palfries slick with wisps of straw, - And in the manger put them oats enough, - And never grease their teeth with candle-snuff. - -_Wife._ That same dwarf's a pretty boy, but the squire's a grout-nold. - -_Ralph._ Knock at the gates, my squire, with stately lance. - -_Enter_ TAPSTER. - -_Tap._ Who's there, you're welcome, gentlemen; will you see a room? - -_Dwarf._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, this -is the squire Tapstero. - - _Ralph._ Fair squire Tapstero, I a wandering knight, - Hight of the Burning Pestle, in the quest - Of this fair lady's casket and wrought purse, - Losing myself in this vast wilderness, - Am to this castle well by fortune brought, - Where hearing of the goodly entertain - Your knight of holy order of the Bell, - Gives to all damsels, and all errant knights, - I thought to knock, and now am bold to enter. - - _Tapst._ An't please you see a chamber, you are very welcome. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, I would have something done, and I cannot tell what it is. - -_Cit._ What is it, Nell? - -_Wife._ Why, George, shall Ralph beat nobody again? Prithee, sweetheart, -let him. - -_Cit._ So he shall, Nell, and if I join with him, we'll knock them all. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ MERCHANT. - -_Wife._ O George, here's Master Humphrey again now, that lost Mistress -Luce, and Mistress Luce's father. Master Humphrey will do somebody's -errand I warrant him. - - _Hum._ Father, it's true in arms I ne'er shall clasp her, - For she is stol'n away by your man Jasper. - - _Wife._ I thought he would tell him. - - _Mer._ Unhappy that I am to lose my child: - Now I begin to think on Jasper's words, - Who oft hath urg'd to me thy foolishness; - Why didst thou let her go? thou lov'st her not, - That wouldst bring home thy life, and not bring her. - - _Hum._ Father, forgive me, I shall tell you true, - Look on my shoulders, they are black and blue, - Whilst to and fro fair Luce and I were winding, - He came and basted me with a hedge binding. - - _Mer._ Get men and horses straight, we will be there - Within this hour; you know the place again? - - _Hum._ I know the place where he my loins did swaddle, - I'll get six horses, and to each a saddle. - - _Mer._ Mean time I will go talk with Jasper's father. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, what wilt thou lay with me now, that Master Humphrey has -not Mistress Luce yet; speak, George, what wilt thou lay with me? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, I warrant thee, Jasper is at Puckeridge with her by this. - -_Wife._ Nay, George, you must consider Mistress Luce's feet are tender, -and besides, 'tis dark, and I promise you truly, I do not see how he -should get out of Waltham Forest with her yet. - -_Cit._ Nay, honey, what wilt thou lay with me that Ralph has her not yet? - -_Wife._ I will not lay against Ralph, honny, because I have not spoken -with him: but look, George, peace, here comes the merry old gentleman -again. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "When it was grown to dark midnight, - And all were fast asleep, - In came Margaret's grimly ghost, - And stood at William's feet." - -I have money, and meat, and drink beforehand, till to-morrow at noon, -why should I be sad? Methinks I have half a dozen jovial spirits within -me, "I am three merry men, and three merry men." To what end should any -man be sad in this world? Give me a man that when he goes to hanging -cries "Troul the black bowl to me;" and a woman that will sing a catch -in her travail. I have seen a man come by my door with a serious face, -in a black cloak, without a hatband, carrying his head as if he look'd -for pins in the street. I have look'd out of my window half a year after, -and have spied that man's head upon London Bridge. 'Tis vile! Never trust -a tailor that does not sing at his work, his mind is of nothing but -filching. - -_Wife._ Mark this, George, 'tis worth noting: Godfrey, my tailor, you -know, never sings, and he had fourteen yards to make this gown: and I'll -be sworn, Mistress Penistone, the draper's wife, had one made with twelve. - - _Old Mer._ "'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood, - More than wine, or sleep, or food, - Let each man keep his heart at ease, - No man dies of that disease! - He that would his body keep - From diseases, must not weep, - But whoever laughs and sings, - Never he his body brings - Into fevers, gouts, or rhumes, - Or lingringly his lungs consumes; - Or meets with achés in the bone, - Or catarrhs, or griping stone: - But contented lives by aye, - The more he laughs, the more he may." - -_Wife._ Look, George. How say'st thou by this, George? Is't not a fine -old man? Now God's blessing a thy sweet lips. When wilt thou be so merry, -George? Faith, thou art the frowningst little thing, when thou art angry, -in a country. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Cit._ Peace, coney; thou shalt see him took down too, I warrant thee. -Here's Luce's father come now. - - _Old Mer._ "As you came from Walsingham, - From the Holy Land, - There met you not with my true love - By the way as you came?" - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought! my daughter's gone! - This mirth becomes you not, my daughter's gone! - - _Old Mer._ "Why an' if she be, what care I? - Or let her come, or go, or tarry." - - _Merch._ Mock not my misery, it is your son - (Whom I have made my own, when all forsook him), - Has stol'n my only joy, my child, away. - - _Old Mer._ "He set her on a milk-white steed, - And himself upon a gray, - He never turned his face again, - But he bore her quite away." - - _Merch._ Unworthy of the kindness I have shown - To thee and thine; too late, I well perceive - Thou art consenting to my daughter's loss. - -_Old Mer._ Your daughter? what a stir's here wi' y'r daughter? Let her -go, think no more on her, but sing loud. If both my sons were on the -gallows I would sing, - - "Down, down, down: they fall - Down, and arise they never shall." - - _Merch._ Oh, might but I behold her once again, - And she once more embrace her aged sire. - - _Old Mer._ Fie, how scurvily this goes: - "And she once more embrace her aged sire?" - You'll make a dog on her, will ye; she cares much for her aged - sire, I warrant you. - "She cares not for her daddy, nor - She cares not for her mammy, - For she is, she is, she is my - Lord of Low-gaves lassie." - - _Merch._ For this thy scorn I will pursue - That son of thine to death. - - _Old Merch._ Do, and when you ha' killed him, - "Give him flowers enow, Palmer, give him flowers enow, - Give him red and white, blue, green, and yellow." - -_Merch._ I'll fetch my daughter. - -_Old Mer._ I'll hear no more o' your daughter, it spoils my mirth. - -_Merch._ I say I'll fetch my daughter. - - _Old Mer._ "Was never man for lady's sake, down, down, - Tormented as I, Sir Guy? de derry down, - For Lucy's sake, that lady bright, down, down, - As ever man beheld with eye? de derry down." - - _Merch._ I'll be revenged, by heaven! [_Exeunt._ - - _Finis Actus Secundi._ [_Music._ - -_Wife._ How dost thou like this, George? - -_Cit._ Why this is well, dovey; but if Ralph were hot once, thou shouldst -see more. - -_Wife._ The fiddlers go again, husband. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, but this is scurvy music; I gave the young gallows -money, and I think he has not got me the waits of Southwark. If I hear -'em not anon, I'll twing him by the ears. You musicians, play Baloo. - -_Wife._ No, good George, let's have Lachrymæ. - -_Cit._ Why this is it, bird. - -_Wife._ Is't? All the better, George; now, sweet lamb, what story is that -painted upon the cloth? the Confutation of Saint Paul? - -_Cit._ No, lamb, that's Ralph and Lucrece. - -_Wife._ Ralph and Lucrece? Which Ralph? our Ralph? - -_Cit._ No, mouse, that was a Tartarian. - -_Wife._ A Tartarian? well, I would the fiddlers had done, that we might -see our Ralph again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Jasp._ Come, my dear dear, though we have lost our way - We have not lost ourselves. Are you not weary - With this night's wand'ring, broken from your rest? - And frighted with the terror that attends - The darkness of this wild unpeopled place? - - _Luce._ No, my best friend, I cannot either fear - Or entertain a weary thought, whilst you - (The end of all my full desires) stand by me. - Let them that lose their hopes, and live to languish - Amongst the number of forsaken lovers, - Tell the long weary steps and number Time, - Start at a shadow, and shrink up their blood, - Whilst I (possessed with all content and quiet) - Thus take my pretty love, and thus embrace him. - - _Jasp._ You've caught me, Luce, so fast, that whilst I live - I shall become your faithful prisoner, - And wear these chains for ever. Come, sit down, - And rest your body, too too delicate - For these disturbances; so, will you sleep? - Come, do not be more able than you are, - I know you are not skilful in these watches, - For women are no soldiers; be not nice, - But take it, sleep, I say. - - _Luce._ I cannot sleep, - Indeed I cannot, friend. - - _Jasp._ Why then we'll sing, - And try how that will work upon our senses. - - _Luce._ I'll sing, or say, or anything but sleep. - - _Jasp._ Come, little mermaid, rob me of my heart - With that enchanting voice. - - _Luce._ You mock me, Jasper. - - SONG. - - _Jasp._ Tell me, dearest, what is love? - - _Luce._ 'Tis a lightning from above, - 'Tis an arrow, 'tis a fire, - 'Tis a boy they call Desire. - 'Tis a smile - Doth beguile - - _Jasp._ The poor hearts of men that prove. - Tell me more, are women true? - - _Luce._ Some love change, and so do you. - - _Jasp._ Are they fair, and never kind? - - _Luce._ Yes, when men turn with the wind. - - _Jasp._ Are they froward? - - _Luce._ Ever toward - Those that love, to love anew. - - _Jasp._ Dissemble it no more, I see the god - Of heavy sleep, lays on his heavy mace - Upon your eyelids. - - _Luce._ I am very heavy. - - _Jasp._ Sleep, sleep, and quiet rest crown thy sweet thoughts: - Keep from her fair blood all distempers, startings, - Horrors and fearful shapes: let all her dreams - Be joys and chaste delights, embraces, wishes, - And such new pleasures as the ravish'd soul - Gives to the senses. So, my charms have took. - Keep her, ye Powers Divine, whilst I contemplate - Upon the wealth and beauty of her mind. - She's only fair, and constant, only kind, - And only to thee, Jasper. O my joys! - Whither will you transport me? let not fulness - Of my poor buried hopes come up together, - And over-charge my spirits; I am weak. - Some say (however ill) the sea and women - Are govern'd by the moon, both ebb and flow, - Both full of changes: yet to them that know, - And truly judge, these but opinions are, - And heresies to bring on pleasing war - Between our tempers, that without these were - Both void of after-love, and present fear; - Which are the best of Cupid. O thou child! - Bred from despair, I dare not entertain thee, - Having a love without the faults of women, - And greater in her perfect goods than men; - Which to make good, and please myself the stronger, - Though certainly I'm certain of her love, - I'll try her, that the world and memory - May sing to after-times her constancy. - Luce, Luce, awake! - - _Luce._ Why do you fright me, friend, - With those distempered looks? what makes your sword - Drawn in your hand? who hath offended you? - I prithee, Jasper, sleep, thou'rt wild with watching. - - _Jasp._ Come, make your way to Heav'n, and bid the world, - With all the villanies that stick upon it, - Farewell; you're for another life. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper, - How have my tender years committed evil, - Especially against the man I love, - Thus to be cropt untimely? - - _Jasp._ Foolish girl, - Canst thou imagine I could love his daughter - That flung me from my fortune into nothing? - Dischargéd me his service, shut the doors - Upon my poverty, and scorn'd my prayers, - Sending me, like a boat without a mast, - To sink or swim? Come, by this hand you die, - I must have life and blood, to satisfy - Your father's wrongs. - -_Wife._ Away, George, away, raise the watch at Ludgate, and bring a -mittimus from the justice for this desperate villain. Now, I charge you, -gentlemen, see the King's peace kept. O my heart, what a varlet's this, -to offer manslaughter upon the harmless gentlewoman? - -_Cit._ I warrant thee, sweetheart, we'll have him hampered. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper! be not cruel, - If thou wilt kill me, smile, and do it quickly, - And let not many deaths appear before me. - I am a woman made of fear and love, - A weak, weak woman, kill not with thy eyes, - They shoot me through and through. Strike, I am ready, - And dying, still I love thee. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, _and his_ MEN. - - _Merch._ Where abouts? - - _Jasp._ No more of this, now to myself again. - - _Hum._ There, there he stands with sword, like martial knight, - Drawn in his hand, therefore beware the fight - You that are wise; for were I good Sir Bevis, - I would not stay his coming, by your leaves. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, restore my daughter. - - _Jasp._ Sirrah, no. - - _Merch._ Upon him then. - - _Wife._ So, down with him, down with him, down with him! - Cut him i'the leg, boys, cut him i'the leg! - -_Merch._ Come your ways, minion, I'll provide a cage for you, you're -grown so tame. Horse her away. - - _Hum._ Truly I am glad your forces have the day. [_Exeunt._ - - _Manet_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ They're gone, and I am hurt; my love is lost, - Never to get again. Oh, me unhappy! - Bleed, bleed and die----I cannot; oh, my folly! - Thou hast betrayed me; hope, where art thou fled? - Tell me, if thou be'st anywhere remaining. - Shall I but see my love again? Oh, no! - She will not deign to look upon her butcher, - Nor is it fit she should; yet I must venture. - Oh chance, or fortune, or whate'er thou art - That men adore for powerful, hear my cry, - And let me loving live, or losing die. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Is he gone, George? - -_Cit._ Ay, coney. - -_Wife._ Marry, and let him go, sweetheart, by the faith a my body, a -has put me into such a fright, that I tremble (as they say) as 'twere -an aspin leaf. Look a my little finger, George, how it shakes: now, in -truth, every member of my body is the worse for't. - -_Cit._ Come, hug in mine arms, sweet mouse, he shall not fright thee any -more; alas, mine own dear heart, how it quivers. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, RALPH, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, DWARF, HOST, _and -a_ TAPSTER. - -_Wife._ O Ralph, how dost thou, Ralph? How hast thou slept to-night? Has -the knight used thee well? - - _Cit._ Peace, Nell, let Ralph alone. - - _Tap._ Master, the reckoning is not paid. - - _Ralph._ Right courteous Knight, who for the orders' sake - Which thou hast ta'en, hang'st out the holy Bell, - As I this flaming pestle bear about, - We render thanks to your puissant self, - Your beauteous lady, and your gentle squires, - For thus refreshing of our wearied limbs, - Stiffened with hard achievements in wild desert. - - _Tap._ Sir, there is twelve shillings to pay. - - _Ralph._ Thou merry squire Tapstero, thanks to thee - For comforting our souls with double jug, - And if adventurous fortune prick thee forth, - Thou jovial squire, to follow feats of arms, - Take heed thou tender ev'ry lady's cause, - Ev'ry true knight, and ev'ry damsel fair, - But spill the blood of treacherous Saracens, - And false enchanters, that with magic spells - Have done to death full many a noble knight. - -_Host._ Thou valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, give ear to me: there -is twelve shillings to pay, and as I am a true knight, I will not bate a -penny. - -_Wife._ George, I prithee tell me, must Ralph pay twelve shillings now? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, no, nothing; but the old knight is merry with Ralph. - -_Wife._ O, is't nothing else? Ralph will be as merry as he. - - _Ralph._ Sir Knight, this mirth of yours becomes you well, - But to requite this liberal courtesy, - If any of your squires will follow arms, - He shall receive from my heroic hand - A knighthood, by the virtue of this pestle. - -_Host._ Fair knight, I thank you for your noble offer; therefore, gentle -knight, twelve shillings you must pay, or I must cap you. - -_Wife._ Look, George, did not I tell thee as much? The knight of the Bell -is in earnest. Ralph shall not be beholding to him; give him his money, -George, and let him go snick-up. - -_Cit._ Cap Ralph? No; hold your hand, Sir Knight of the Bell, there's -your money. Have you anything to say to Ralph now? Cap Ralph? - -_Wife._ I would you should know it, Ralph has friends that will not -suffer him to be capt for ten times so much, and ten times to the end of -that. Now take thy course, Ralph. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, thou and I will go home to thy father, he -hath enough left to keep us a day or two, and we'll set fellows abroad to -cry our purse and casket. Shall we, Michael? - -_Mich._ Ay, I pray mother, in truth my feet are full of chilblains with -travelling. - -_Wife._ Faith and those chilblains are a foul trouble. Mistress -Merry-thought, when your youth comes home let him rub all the soles of -his feet and his heels and his ankles with a mouse-skin; or if none of -you can catch a mouse, when he goes to bed let him roll his feet in the -warm embers, and I warrant you he shall be well, and you may make him put -his fingers between his toes and smell to them, it's very sovereign for -his head if he be costive. - -_Mist. Mer._ Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, my son Michael and I -bid you farewell; I thank your worship heartily for your kindness. - - _Ralph._ Farewell, fair lady, and your tender squire. - If pricking through these deserts, I do hear - Of any trait'rous knight, who, through his guile - Hath light upon your casket and your purse, - I will despoil him of them and restore them. - - _Mist. Mer._ I thank your worship. [_Exit with_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Dwarf, bear my shield; squire, elevate my lance, - And now farewell, you knight of holy Bell. - - _Cit._ Ay, ay, Ralph, all is paid. - - _Ralph._ But yet before I go, speak, worthy knight, - If aught you do of sad adventures know, - Where errant knight may through his prowess win - Eternal fame, and free some gentle souls - From endless bonds of steel and lingring pain. - -_Host._ Sirrah, go to Nick the Barber, and bid him prepare himself, as I -told you before, quickly. - - _Tap._ I am gone, sir. [_Exit_ TAPSTER. - - _Host._ Sir Knight, this wilderness affordeth none - But the great venture, where full many a knight - Hath tried his prowess, and come off with shame, - And where I would not have you lose your life, - Against no man, but furious fiend of hell. - - _Ralph._ Speak on, Sir Knight, tell what he is, and where: - For here I vow upon my blazing badge, - Never to lose a day in quietness; - But bread and water will I only eat, - And the green herb and rock shall be my couch, - Till I have quell'd that man, or beast, or fiend, - That works such damage to all errant knights. - - _Host._ Not far from hence, near to a craggy cliff - At the north end of this distresséd town, - There doth stand a lowly house - Ruggedly builded, and in it a cave, - In which an ugly giant now doth dwell, - Yclepéd Barbaroso: in his hand - He shakes a naked lance of purest steel, - With sleeves turned up, and he before him wears - A motley garment, to preserve his clothes - From blood of those knights which he massacres, - And ladies gent: without his door doth hang - A copper bason, on a prickant spear; - At which, no sooner gentle knights can knock, - But the shrill sound fierce Barbaroso hears, - And rushing forth, brings in the errant knight, - And sets him down in an enchanted chair: - Then with an engine, which he hath prepar'd - With forty teeth, he claws his courtly crown, - Next makes him wink, and underneath his chin - He plants a brazen piece of mighty bore, - And knocks his bullets round about his cheeks, - Whilst with his fingers, and an instrument - With which he snaps his hair off, he doth fill - The wretch's ears with a most hideous noise. - Thus every knight adventurer he doth trim, - And now no creature dares encounter him. - - _Ralph._ In God's name, I will fight with him, kind sir. - Go but before me to this dismal cave - Where this huge giant Barbaroso dwells, - And by that virtue that brave Rosiclere, - That wicked brood of ugly giants slew, - And Palmerin Frannarco overthrew: - I doubt not but to curb this traitor foul, - And to the devil send his guilty soul. - - _Host._ Brave sprighted knight, thus far I will perform - This your request, I'll bring you within sight - Of this most loathsome place, inhabited - By a more loathsome man: but dare not stay, - For his main force swoops all he sees away. - - _Ralph._ Saint George! set on, before march squire and page. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, dost think Ralph will confound the giant? - -_Cit._ I hold my cap to a farthing he does. Why, Nell, I saw him wrestle -with the great Dutchman, and hurl him. - -_Wife._ Faith and that Dutchman was a goodly man, if all things were -answerable to his bigness. And yet they say there was a Scottishman -higher than he, and that they two on a night met, and saw one another for -nothing. - -_Cit._ Nay, by your leave, Nell, Ninivie was better. - -_Wife._ Ninivie, O that was the story of Joan and the Wall, was it not, -George? - -_Cit._ Yes, lamb. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Look, George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought again, and I -would have Ralph come and fight with the giant. I tell you true, I long -to see't. - -_Cit._ Good Mistress Merry-thought, be gone, I pray you for my sake; I -pray you forbear a little, you shall have audience presently: I have a -little business. - -_Wife._ Mistress Merry-thought, if it please you to refrain your passion -a little, till Ralph have dispatched the giant out of the way, we shall -think ourselves much bound to thank you. I thank you, good Mistress -Merry-thought. - - [_Exit_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ Boy, come hither, send away Ralph and this master giant quickly. - -_Boy._ In good faith, sir, we cannot; you'll utterly spoil our play, and -make it to be hissed, and it cost money; you will not suffer us to go on -with our plots. I pray, gentlemen, rule him. - -_Cit._ Let him come now and dispatch this, and I'll trouble you no more. - -_Boy._ Will you give me your hand of that? - -_Wife._ Give him thy hand, George, do, and I'll kiss him; I warrant thee -the youth means plainly. - - _Boy._ I'll send him to you presently. [_Exit_ BOY. - -_Wife._ I thank you, little youth; faith the child hath a sweet breath. -George, but I think it be troubled with the worms; Carduus Benedictus and -mare's milk were the only thing in the world for it. Oh, Ralph's here, -George! God send thee good luck, Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, HOST, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Host._ Puissant knight, yonder his mansion is, - Lo, where the spear and copper bason are, - Behold the string on which hangs many a tooth, - Drawn from the gentle jaw of wandering knights; - I dare not stay to sound, he will appear. [_Exit_ HOST. - - _Ralph._ O faint not, heart: Susan, my lady dear, - The cobbler's maid in Milk Street, for whose sake - I take these arms, O let the thought of thee - Carry thy knight through all adventurous deed, - And in the honour of thy beauteous self, - May I destroy this monster Barbaroso. - Knock, squire, upon the bason till it break - With the shrill strokes, or till the giant speak. - -_Enter_ BARBAROSO. - -_Wife._ O George, the giant, the giant! Now, Ralph, for thy life! - - _Bar._ What fond unknowing wight is this, that dares - So rudely knock at Barbaroso's cell, - Where no man comes, but leaves his fleece behind? - - _Ralph._ I, traitorous caitiff, who am sent by fate - To punish all the sad enormities - Thou hast committed against ladies gent, - And errant knights, traitor to God and men. - Prepare thyself, this is the dismal hour - Appointed for thee to give strict account - Of all thy beastly treacherous villanies. - - _Bar._ Foolhardy knight, full soon thou shalt aby - This fond reproach, thy body will I bang, - [_He takes down his pole._ - And lo, upon that string thy teeth shall hang; - Prepare thyself, for dead soon shalt thou be. - - _Ralph._ Saint George for me! [_They fight._ - -_Bar._ Gargantua for me! - -_Wife._ To him, Ralph, to him: hold up the giant, set out thy leg before, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Falsify a blow, Ralph, falsify a blow; the giant lies open on the -left side. - -_Wife._ Bear't off, bear't off still; there, boy. Oh, Ralph's almost -down, Ralph's almost down! - -_Ralph._ Susan, inspire me, now have up again. - -_Wife._ Up, up, up, up, up, so, Ralph; down with him, down with him, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Fetch him over the hip, boy. - -_Wife._ There, boy; kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, Ralph! - -_Cit._ No, Ralph, get all out of him first. - - _Ralph._ Presumptuous man, see to what desperate end - Thy treachery hath brought thee; the just gods, - Who never prosper those that do despise them, - For all the villanies which thou hast done - To knights and ladies, now have paid thee home - By my stiff arm, a knight adventurous. - But say, vile wretch, before I send thy soul - To sad Avernus, whither it must go, - What captives hold'st thou in thy sable cave? - - _Bar._ Go in and free them all, thou hast the day. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire and dwarf, search in this dreadful cave, - And free the wretched prisoners from their bonds. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Bar._ I crave for mercy as thou art a knight, - And scorn'st to spill the blood of those that beg. - - _Ralph._ Thou showest no mercy, nor shalt thou have any; - Prepare thyself, for thou shalt surely die. - -_Enter_ SQUIRE, _leading one winking, with a bason under his chin_. - - _Squire._ Behold, brave knight, here is one prisoner, - Whom this wild man hath used as you see. - - _Wife._ This is the wisest word I hear the squire speak. - - _Ralph._ Speak what thou art, and how thou hast been us'd, - That I may give him condign punishment. - - _1st Knight._ I am a knight that took my journey post - Northward from London, and in courteous wise, - This giant train'd me to his loathsome den, - Under pretence of killing of the itch, - And all my body with a powder strew'd, - That smarts and stings; and cut away my beard, - And my curl'd locks wherein were ribands ty'd, - And with a water washt my tender eyes - (Whilst up and down about me still he skipt), - Whose virtue is, that till my eyes be wip'd - With a dry cloth, for this my foul disgrace, - I shall not dare to look a dog i' th' face. - -_Wife._ Alas, poor knight. Relieve him, Ralph; relieve poor knights -whilst you live. - - _Ralph._ My trusty squire, convey him to the town, - Where he may find relief; adieu, fair knight. - [_Exit_ KNIGHT. - -_Enter_ DWARF, _leading one with a patch over his nose_. - - _Dwarf._ Puissant Knight of the Burning Pestle hight, - See here another wretch, whom this foul beast - Hath scotch'd and scor'd in this inhuman wise. - - _Ralph._ Speak me thy name, and eke thy place of birth, - And what hath been thy usage in this cave. - - _2nd Knight._ I am a knight, Sir Partle is my name, - And by my birth I am a Londoner, - Free by my copy, but my ancestors - Were Frenchmen all; and riding hard this way, - Upon a trotting horse, my bones did ache, - And I, faint knight, to ease my weary limbs, - Light at this cave, when straight this furious fiend, - With sharpest instrument of purest steel, - Did cut the gristle of my nose away, - And in the place this velvet plaster stands. - Relieve me, gentle knight, out of his hands. - -_Wife._ Good Ralph, relieve Sir Partle, and send him away, for in truth -his breath stinks. - -_Ralph._ Convey him straight after the other knight. Sir Partle, fare you -well. - - _3rd Knight._ Kind sir, good night. [_Exit._ - [_Cries within._ - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - -_Wife._ Hark, George, what a woful cry there is. I think some one is ill -there. - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - - _Ralph._ What ghastly noise is this? Speak, Barbaroso, - Or by this blazing steel thy head goes off. - - _Bar._ Prisoners of mine, whom I in diet keep. - Send lower down into the cave, - And in a tub that's heated smoking hot, - There may they find them, and deliver them. - - - _Ralph._ Run, squire and dwarf, deliver them with speed. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Wife._ But will not Ralph kill this giant? Surely I am afraid if he let -him go he will do as much hurt as ever he did. - -_Cit._ Not so, mouse, neither, if he could convert him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, if he could convert him; but a giant is not so soon -converted as one of us ordinary people. There's a pretty tale of a witch, -that had the devil's mark about her, God bless us, that had a giant to -her son, that was call'd Lob-lie-by-the-fire. Didst never hear it, George? - -_Enter_ SQUIRE _leading a man with a glass of lotion in his hand, and -the_ DWARF _leading a woman, with diet bread and drink_. - -_Cit._ Peace, Nell, here come the prisoners. - - _Dwarf._ Here be these pined wretches, manful knight, - That for these six weeks have not seen a wight. - - _Ralph._ Deliver what you are, and how you came - To this sad cave, and what your usage was? - - _Man._ I am an errant knight that followed arms, - With spear and shield, and in my tender years - I strucken was with Cupid's fiery shaft, - And fell in love with this my lady dear, - And stole her from her friends in Turnball Street, - And bore her up and down from town to town, - Where we did eat and drink, and music hear; - Till at the length at this unhappy town - We did arrive, and coming to this cave, - This beast us caught, and put us in a tub, - Where we this two months sweat, and should have done - Another month if you had not relieved us. - - _Wom._ This bread and water hath our diet been, - Together with a rib cut from a neck - Of burned mutton; hard hath been our fare. - Release us from this ugly giant's snare. - - _Man._ This hath been all the food we have receiv'd; - But only twice a day, for novelty, - He gave a spoonful of this hearty broth - [_Pulls out a syringe._ - To each of us, through this same slender quill. - - _Ralph._ From this infernal monster you shall go, - That useth knights and gentle ladies so. - Convey them hence. [_Exeunt Man and Woman._ - -_Cit._ Mouse, I can tell thee, the gentlemen like Ralph. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, I see it well enough. Gentlemen, I thank you all -heartily for gracing my man Ralph, and I promise you, you shall see him -oftener. - - _Bar._ Mercy, great knight, I do recant my ill, - And henceforth never gentle blood will spill. - - _Ralph._ I give thee mercy, but yet thou shalt swear - Upon my burning pestle to perform - Thy promise utter'd. - - _Bar._ I swear and kiss. - - _Ralph._ Depart then, and amend. - Come, squire and dwarf, the sun grows towards his set, - And we have many more adventures yet. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Now Ralph is in this humour, I know he would ha' beaten all the -boys in the house, if they had been set on him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but it is well as it is. I warrant you the gentlemen -do consider what it is to overthrow a giant. But look, George, here -comes Mistress Merry-thought, and her son Michael. Now you are welcome, -Mistress Merry-thought; now Ralph has done, you may go on. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Mick, my boy. - -_Mick._ Ay forsooth, mother. - -_Mist. Mer._ Be merry, Mick, we are at home now, where I warrant you, you -shall find the house flung out of the windows. Hark! hey dogs, hey, this -is the old world i'faith with my husband. I'll get in among them, I'll -play them such lesson, that they shall have little list to come scraping -hither again. Why, Master Merry-thought, husband, Charles Merry-thought! - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "If you will sing and dance and laugh, - And holloa, and laugh again; - And then cry, there boys, there; why then, - One, two, three, and four, - We shall be merry within this hour." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Charles, do you not know your own natural wife? I -say, open the door, and turn me out those mangy companions; 'tis more -than time that they were fellow like with you. You are a gentleman, -Charles, and an old man, and father of two children; and I myself, though -I say it, by my mother's side, niece to a worshipful gentleman, and a -conductor; he has been three times in his Majesty's service at Chester, -and is now the fourth time, God bless him, and his charge upon his -journey. - - _Old Mer._ "Go from my window, love, go; - Go from my window, my dear, - The wind and the rain will drive you back again, - You cannot be lodgéd here." - -Hark you, Mistress Merry-thought, you that walk upon adventures, and -forsake your husband because he sings with never a penny in his purse; -what, shall I think myself the worse? Faith no, I'll be merry. You come -not here, here's none but lads of mettle, lives of a hundred years and -upwards; care never drunk their bloods, nor want made them warble, - - "Heigh-ho, my heart is heavy." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, what am I that you should laugh -me to scorn thus abruptly? Am I not your fellow-feeler, as we may say, -in all our miseries? your comforter in health and sickness? Have I not -brought you children? Are they not like you, Charles? Look upon thine own -image, hard-hearted man; and yet for all this---- - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Begone, begone, my juggy, my puggy, - Begone, my love, my dear; - The weather is warm, - 'Twill do thee no harm, - Thou canst not be lodged here." - -Be merry, boys, some light music, and more wine. - -_Wife._ He's not in earnest, I hope, George, is he? - -_Cit._ What if he be, sweetheart? - -_Wife._ Marry if he be, George, I'll make bold to tell him he's an -ingrant old man to use his wife so scurvily. - -_Cit._ What, how does he use her, honey? - -_Wife._ Marry come up, Sir Sauce-box; I think you'll take his part, will -you not? Lord, how hot are you grown; you are a fine man, an' you had a -fine dog, it becomes you sweetly. - -_Cit._ Nay, prithee Nell, chide not; for as I am an honest man, and a -true Christian grocer, I do not like his doings. - -_Wife._ I cry you mercy then, George; you know we are all frail, and full -of infirmities. D'ye hear, Master Merry-thought, may I crave a word with -you? - -_Old Mer._ [within.] Strike up lively, lads. - -_Wife._ I had not thought in truth, Master Merry-thought, that a man of -your age and discretion, as I may say, being a gentleman, and therefore -known by your gentle conditions, could have used so little respect to the -weakness of his wife; for your wife is your own flesh, the staff of your -age, your yoke-fellow, with whose help you draw through the mire of this -transitory world. Nay, she is your own rib. And again---- - - _Old Mer._ "I come not hither for thee to teach, - I have no pulpit for thee to preach, - As thou art a lady gay." - -_Wife._ Marry with a vengeance! I am heartily sorry for the poor -gentlewoman; but if I were thy wife, i'faith, gray beard, i'faith---- - -_Cit._ I prithee, sweet honeysuckle, be content. - -_Wife._ Give me such words that am a gentlewoman born, hang him, hoary -rascal! Get me some drink, George, I am almost molten with fretting. Now -beshrew his knave's heart for it. - -_Old Mer._ Play me a light lavalto. Come, be frolic, fill the good -fellows wine. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, are you disposed to make me wait -here. You'll open, I hope; I'll fetch them that shall open else. - -_Old Mer._ Good woman, if you will sing, I'll give you something, if -not---- - - SONG. - - You are no love for me, Marget, - I am no love for you. - Come aloft, boys, aloft. - -_Mist. Mer._ Now a churl's fist in your teeth, sir. Come, Mick, we'll -not trouble him, a shall not ding us i' th' teeth with his bread and his -broth, that he shall not. Come, boy, I'll provide for thee, I warrant -thee. We'll go to Master Venterwels the merchant; I'll get his letter to -mine host of the Bell in Waltham, there I'll place thee with the tapster; -will not that do well for thee, Mick? And let me alone for that old -rascally knave, your father; I'll use him in his kind, I warrant ye. - -_Wife._ Come, George, where's the beer? - -_Cit._ Here, love. - -_Wife._ This old fumigating fellow will not out of my mind yet. -Gentlemen, I'll begin to you all, I desire more of your acquaintance, -with all my heart. Fill the gentlemen some beer, George. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -_Boy danceth._ - -_Wife._ Look, George, the little boy's come again; methinks he looks -something like the Prince of Orange, in his long stocking, if he had a -little harness about his neck. George, I will have him dance Fading; -Fading is a fine jig, I'll assure you, gentlemen. Begin, brother; now a -capers, sweetheart; now a turn a th' toe, and then tumble. Cannot you -tumble, youth? - -_Boy._ No, indeed, forsooth. - -_Wife._ Nor eat fire? - -_Boy._ Neither. - -_Wife._ Why, then I thank you heartily; there's two pence to buy you -points withal. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ BOY. - - _Jasp._ There, boy, deliver this. But do it well. - Hast thou provided me four lusty fellows, - Able to carry me? And art thou perfect - In all thy business? - - _Boy._ Sir, you need not fear, - I have my lesson here, and cannot miss it: - The men are ready for you, and what else - Pertains to this employment. - - _Jasp._ There, my boy, - Take it, but buy no land. - - _Boy._ Faith, sir, 'twere rare - To see so young a purchaser. I fly, - And on my wings carry your destiny. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ Go, and be happy. Now my latest hope - Forsake me not, but fling thy anchor out, - And let it hold. Stand fixt, thou rolling stone, - Till I possess my dearest. Hear me, all - You Powers, that rule in men, celestial. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Go thy ways, thou art as crooked a sprig as ever grew in London. -I warrant him he'll come to some naughty end or other; for his looks say -no less. Besides, his father (you know, George) is none of the best; you -heard him take me up like a gill flirt, and sing bad songs upon me. But -i'faith, if I live, George---- - -_Cit._ Let me alone, sweetheart, I have a trick in my head shall lodge -him in the Arches for one year, and make him sing Peccavi, ere I leave -him, and yet he shall never know who hurt him neither. - -_Wife._ Do, my good George, do. - -_Cit._ What shall we have Ralph do now, boy? - -_Boy._ You shall have what you will, sir. - -_Cit._ Why so, sir, go and fetch me him then, and let the Sophy of Persia -come and christen him a child. - -_Boy._ Believe me, sir, that will not do so well; 'tis stale, it has been -had before at the Red Bull. - -_Wife._ George, let Ralph travel over great hills, and let him be weary, -and come to the King of Cracovia's house, covered with black velvet, and -there let the king's daughter stand in her window all in beaten gold, -combing her golden locks with a comb of ivory, and let her spy Ralph, -and fall in love with him, and come down to him, and carry him into her -father's house, and then let Ralph talk with her. - -_Cit._ Well said, Nell, it shall be so. Boy, let's ha't done quickly. - -_Boy._ Sir, if you will imagine all this to be done already, you shall -hear them talk together. But we cannot present a house covered with black -velvet, and a lady in beaten gold. - -_Cit._ Sir Boy, let's ha't as you can then. - -_Boy._ Besides, it will show ill-favouredly to have a grocer's prentice -to court a king's daughter. - -_Cit._ Will it so, sir? You are well read in histories: I pray you what -was Sir Dagonet? Was not he prentice to a grocer in London? Read the play -of the "Four Prentices of London," where they toss their pikes so. I pray -you fetch him in, sir; fetch him in. - - _Boy._ It shall be done, it is not our fault, gentlemen. - [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Now we shall see fine doings, I warrant thee, George. Oh, here -they come; how prettily the King of Cracovia's daughter is drest. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and the_ LADY, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, it is the fashion of that country, I warrant thee. - - _Lady._ Welcome, Sir Knight, unto my father's court, - King of Moldavia, unto me Pompiona, - His daughter dear. But sure you do not like - Your entertainment, that will stay with us - No longer but a night. - - _Ralph._ Damsel right fair, - I am on many sad adventures bound, - That call me forth into the wilderness. - Besides, my horse's back is something gall'd, - Which will enforce me ride a sober pace. - But many thanks, fair lady, be to you, - For using errant knight with courtesy. - - _Lady._ But say, brave knight, what is your name and birth? - - _Ralph._ My name is Ralph. I am an Englishman, - As true as steel, a hearty Englishman, - And prentice to a grocer in the Strand, - By deed indent, of which I have one part: - But fortune calling me to follow arms, - On me this holy order I did take, - Of Burning Pestle, which in all men's eyes - I bear, confounding ladies' enemies. - - _Lady._ Oft have I heard of your brave countrymen, - And fertile soil, and store of wholesome food; - My father oft will tell me of a drink - In England found, and Nipitato call'd, - Which driveth all the sorrow from your hearts. - - _Ralph._ Lady, 'tis true, you need not lay your lips - To better Nipitato than there is. - - _Lady._ And of a wildfowl he will often speak, - Which powdered beef and mustard called is: - For there have been great wars 'twixt us and you; - But truly, Ralph, it was not long of me. - Tell me then, Ralph, could you contented be - To wear a lady's favour in your shield? - - _Ralph._ I am a knight of a religious order, - And will not wear a favour of a lady - That trusts in Antichrist, and false traditions. - - _Cit._ Well said, Ralph, convert her if thou canst. - - _Ralph._ Besides, I have a lady of my own - In merry England; for whose virtuous sake - I took these arms, and Susan is her name, - A cobbler's maid in Milk Street, whom I vow - Ne'er to forsake, whilst life and pestle last. - - _Lady._ Happy that cobbling dame, whoe'er she be, - That for her own (dear Ralph) hath gotten thee. - Unhappy I, that ne'er shall see the day - To see thee more, that bear'st my heart away. - - _Ralph._ Lady, farewell; I must needs take my leave. - - _Lady._ Hard-hearted Ralph, that ladies dost deceive. - -_Cit._ Hark thee, Ralph, there's money for thee; give something in the -King of Cracovia's house; be not beholding to him. - - _Ralph._ Lady, before I go, I must remember - Your father's officers, who, truth to tell, - Have been about me very diligent: - Hold up thy snowy hand, thou princely maid. - There's twelve pence for your father's chamberlain, - And there's another shilling for his cook, - For, by my troth, the goose was roasted well. - And twelve pence for your father's horse-keeper, - For 'nointing my horse back; and for his butter, - There is another shilling; to the maid - That wash'd my boot-hose, there's an English groat, - And two pence to the boy that wip'd my boots. - And last, fair lady, there is for your self - Three pence to buy you pins at Bumbo Fair. - - _Lady._ Full many thanks, and I will keep them safe - Till all the heads be off, for thy sake, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ Advance, my squire and dwarf, I cannot stay. - - _Lady._ Thou kill'st my heart in parting thus away. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ I commend Ralph yet, that he will not stoop to a Cracovian; -there's properer women in London than any are there, I wis. But here -comes Master Humphrey and his love again; now, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, bird, peace. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, LUCE, _and_ BOY. - - _Merch._ Go, get you up, I will not be entreated. - And, gossip mine, I'll keep you sure hereafter - From gadding out again with boys and unthrifts; - Come, they are women's tears, I know your fashion. - Go, sirrah, lock her in, and keep the key - [_Exeunt_ LUCE _and_ BOY. - Safe as your life. Now, my son Humphrey, - You may both rest assuréd of my love - In this, and reap your own desire. - - _Humph._ I see this love you speak of, through your daughter, - Although the hole be little, and hereafter - Will yield the like in all I may or can, - Fitting a Christian and a gentleman. - - _Merch._ I do believe you, my good son, and thank you, - For 'twere an impudence to think you flattered. - - _Humph._ It were indeed, but shall I tell you why, - I have been beaten twice about the lie. - - _Merch._ Well, son, no more of compliment; my daughter - Is yours again: appoint the time and take her. - We'll have no stealing for it, I myself - And some few of our friends will see you married. - - _Humph._ I would you would i'faith, for be it known - I ever was afraid to lie alone. - - _Merch._ Some three days hence, then. - - _Humph._ Three days, let me see, - 'Tis somewhat of the most, yet I agree, - Because I mean against the 'pointed day, - To visit all my friends in new array. - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - -_Serv._ Sir, there's a gentlewoman without would speak with your worship. - -_Merch._ What is she? - -_Serv._ Sir, I asked her not. - -_Merch._ Bid her come in. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Peace be to your worship, I come as a poor suitor to you, -sir, in the behalf of this child. - -_Merch._ Are you not wife to Merry-thought? - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes truly, would I had ne'er seen his eyes, he has undone me -and himself, and his children, and there he lives at home and sings and -hoits, and revels among his drunken companions; but I warrant you, where -to get a penny to put bread in his mouth, he knows not. And therefore if -it like your worship, I would entreat your letter to the honest host of -the Bell in Waltham, that I may place my child under the protection of -his tapster, in some settled course of life. - - _Merch._ I'm glad the Heav'ns have heard my prayers. Thy husband, - When I was ripe in sorrows, laughed at me; - Thy son, like an unthankful wretch, I having - Redeem'd him from his fall, and made him mine, - To show his love again, first stole my daughter: - Then wrong'd this gentleman, and last of all - Gave me that grief, had almost brought me down - Unto my grave, had not a stronger hand - Reliev'd my sorrows. Go, and weep as I did, - And be unpitied, for here I profess - An everlasting hate to all thy name. - -_Mist. Mer._ Will you so, sir, how say you by that? Come, Mick, let him -keep his wind to cool his pottage; we'll go to thy nurse's, Mick, she -knits silk stockings, boy; and we'll knit too, boy, and be beholding to -none of them all. - - [_Exeunt_ MICHAEL _and_ MOTHER. - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a letter_. - -_Boy._ Sir, I take it you are the master of this house. - -_Merch._ How then, boy? - -_Boy._ Then to yourself, sir, comes this letter. - -_Merch._ From whom, my pretty boy? - - _Boy._ From him that was your servant, but no more - Shall that name ever be, for he is dead. - Grief of your purchas'd anger broke his heart; - I saw him die, and from his hand receiv'd - This paper, with a charge to bring it hither; - Read it, and satisfy yourself in all. - -LETTER. - -_Merch._ _Sir, that I have wronged your love I must confess, in which I -have purchas'd to myself, besides mine own undoing, the ill opinion of my -friends; let not your anger, good sir, outlive me, but suffer me to rest -in peace with your forgiveness; let my body (if a dying man may so much -prevail with you) be brought to your daughter, that she may know my hot -flames are now buried, and withal receive a testimony of the zeal I bore -her virtue. Farewell for ever, and be ever happy._--JASPER. - - God's hand is great in this. I do forgive him, - Yet am I glad he's quiet, where I hope - He will not bite again. Boy, bring the body, - And let him have his will, if that be all. - - _Boy._ 'Tis here without, sir. - - _Merch._ So, sir, if you please - You may conduct it in, I do not fear it. - - _Humph._ I'll be your usher, boy, for though I say it, - He ow'd me something once, and well did pay it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ LUCE _alone_. - - _Luce._ If there be any punishment inflicted - Upon the miserable, more than yet I feel, - Let it together seize me, and at once - Press down my soul; I cannot bear the pain - Of these delaying tortures. Thou that art - The end of all, and the sweet rest of all, - Come, come, O Death, and bring me to thy peace, - And blot out all the memory I nourish - Both of my father and my cruel friend. - O wretched maid, still living to be wretched, - To be a say to Fortune in her changes, - And grow to number times and woes together. - How happy had I been, if being born - My grave had been my cradle? - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - - _Serv._ By your leave, - Young mistress, here's a boy hath brought a coffin, - What a would say I know not; but your father - Charg'd me to give you notice. Here they come. - -_Enter two bearing a coffin_, JASPER _in it_. - - _Luce._ For me I hope 'tis come, and 'tis most welcome. - - _Boy._ Fair mistress, let me not add greater grief - To that great store you have already; Jasper - (That whilst he liv'd was yours, now's dead, - And here inclos'd) commanded me to bring - His body hither, and to crave a tear - From those fair eyes, though he deserv'd not pity, - To deck his funeral, for so he bid me - Tell her for whom he died. - - _Luce._ He shall have many. - - [_Exeunt_ COFFIN-CARRIER _and_ BOY. - - Good friends, depart a little, whilst I take - My leave of this dead man, that once I lov'd: - Hold, yet a little, life, and then I give thee - To thy first Heav'nly Being. O my friend! - Hast thou deceiv'd me thus, and got before me? - I shall not long be after, but believe me, - Thou wert too cruel, Jasper, 'gainst thyself, - In punishing the fault I could have pardon'd, - With so untimely death; thou didst not wrong me, - But ever wert most kind, most true, most loving: - And I the most unkind, most false, most cruel. - Didst thou but ask a tear? I'll give thee all, - Even all my eyes can pour down, all my sighs, - And all myself, before thou goest from me. - These are but sparing rites; but if thy soul - Be yet about this place, and can behold - And see what I prepare to deck thee with, - It shall go up, borne on the wings of peace, - And satisfied. First will I sing thy dirge, - Then kiss thy pale lips, and then die, myself, - And fill one coffin, and one grave together. - - SONG. - - Come you whose loves are dead, - And whilst I sing, - Weep and wring - Every hand, and every head - Bind with cypress and sad yew; - Ribbons black and candles blue, - For him that was of men most true. - - Come with heavy moaning, - And on his grave - Let him have - Sacrifice of sighs and groaning; - Let him have fair flowers enow, - White and purple, green and yellow, - For him that was of men most true. - - Thou sable cloth, sad cover of my joys, - I lift thee up, and thus I meet with death. - - _Jasp._ And thus you meet the living. - - _Luce._ Save me, Heav'n! - - _Jasp._ Nay, do not fly me, fair, I am no spirit; - Look better on me, do you know me yet? - - _Luce._ O thou dear shadow of my friend! - - _Jasp._ Dear substance, - I swear I am no shadow; feel my hand, - It is the same it was: I am your Jasper, - Your Jasper that's yet living, and yet loving; - Pardon my rash attempt, my foolish proof - I put in practice of your constancy. - For sooner should my sword have drunk my blood, - And set my soul at liberty, than drawn - The least drop from that body, for which boldness - Doom me to anything; if death, I take it - And willingly. - - _Luce._ This death I'll give you for it: - So, now I'm satisfied; you are no spirit; - But my own truest, truest, truest friend, - Why do you come thus to me? - - _Jasp._ First, to see you, - Then to convey you hence. - - _Luce._ It cannot be, - For I am lock'd up here, and watch'd at all hours, - That 'tis impossible for me to 'scape. - - _Jasp._ Nothing more possible: within this coffin - Do you convey yourself; let me alone, - I have the wits of twenty men about me, - Only I crave the shelter of your closet - A little, and then fear me not; creep in - That they may presently convey you hence. - Fear nothing, dearest love, I'll be your second; - Lie close, so, all goes well yet. Boy! - - _Boy._ At hand, sir. - - _Jasp._ Convey away the coffin, and be wary. - - _Boy._ 'Tis done already. - - _Jasp._ Now must I go conjure. [_Exit._ - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Merch._ Boy, boy! - -_Boy._ Your servant, sir. - -_Merch._ Do me this kindness, boy; hold, here's a crown: before thou bury -the body of this fellow, carry it to his old merry father, and salute him -from me, and bid him sing: he hath cause. - - _Boy._ I will, sir. - - _Merch._ And then bring me word what tune he is in, - And have another crown; but do it truly. - I've fitted him a bargain, now, will vex him. - - _Boy._ God bless your worship's health, sir. - - _Merch._ Farewell, boy. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MASTER MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Ah, Old Merry-thought, art thou there again? Let's hear some of -thy songs. - - _Old Mer._ "Who can sing a merrier note - Than he that cannot change a groat?" - -Not a denier left, and yet my heart leaps; I do wonder yet, as old as I -am, that any man will follow a trade, or serve, that may sing and laugh, -and walk the streets. My wife and both my sons are I know not where; I -have nothing left, nor know I how to come by meat to supper, yet am I -merry still; for I know I shall find it upon the table at six o'clock; -therefore, hang thought. - - "I would not be a serving-man - To carry the cloak-bag still, - Nor would I be a falconer - The greedy hawks to fill; - But I would be in a good house, - And have a good master too; - But I would eat and drink of the best, - And no work would I do." - -This is it that keeps life and soul together, mirth. This is the -philosopher's stone that they write so much on, that keeps a man ever -young. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Boy._ Sir, they say they know all your money is gone, and they will -trust you for no more drink. - -_Old Mer._ Will they not? Let 'em choose. The best is, I have mirth at -home, and need not send abroad for that. Let them keep their drink to -themselves. - - "For Jillian of Berry, she dwells on a hill, - And she hath good beer and ale to sell, - And of good fellows she thinks no ill, - And thither will we go now, now, now, and - thither will we go now. - And when you have made a little stay, - You need not know what is to pay, - But kiss your hostess and go your way. - And thither, &c." - -_Enter another_ BOY. - -_2nd Boy._ Sir, I can get no bread for supper. - -_Old Mer._ Hang bread and supper, let's preserve our mirth, and we shall -never feel hunger, I'll warrant you; let's have a catch. Boy, follow me; -come sing this catch: - - "Ho, ho, nobody at home, - Meat, nor drink, nor money ha' we none; - Fill the pot, Eedy, - Never more need I." - -So, boys, enough, follow me; let's change our place, and we shall laugh -afresh. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Let him go, George, a shall not have any countenance from us, -not a good word from any i' th' company, if I may strike stroke in't. - -_Cit._ No more a sha'not, love; but, Nell, I will have Ralph do a very -notable matter now, to the eternal honour and glory of all grocers. -Sirrah, you there, boy, can none of you hear? - -_Boy._ Sir, your pleasure. - -_Cit._ Let Ralph come out on May-day in the morning, and speak upon a -conduit with all his scarfs about him, and his feathers, and his rings, -and his knacks. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, you do not think of our plot, what will become of that, -then? - -_Cit._ Why, sir, I care not what become on't. I'll have him come out, -or I'll fetch him out myself, I'll have something done in honour of the -city; besides, he hath been long enough upon adventures. Bring him out -quickly, for I come amongst you---- - -_Boy._ Well, sir, he shall come out; but if our play miscarry, sir, you -are like to pay for't. - - [_Exit._ - -_Cit._ Bring him away, then. - -_Wife._ This will be brave, i'faith. George, shall not he dance the -morrice, too, for the credit of the Strand? - -_Cit._ No, sweetheart, it will be too much for the boy. Oh, there he is, -Nell; he's reasonable well in reparel, but he has not rings enough. - -_Enter_ RALPH. - - _Ralph._ "London, to thee I do present the merry month of May", - Let each true subject be content to hear me what I say: - For from the top of conduit head, as plainly may appear, - I will both tell my name to you, and wherefore I came here. - My name is Ralph, by due descent, though not ignoble I, - Yet far inferior to the flock of gracious grocery. - And by the common counsel of my fellows in the Strand, - With gilded staff, and crossed scarf, the May lord here I stand. - Rejoice, O English hearts, rejoice; rejoice, O lovers dear; - Rejoice, O city, town, and country; rejoice eke every shire; - For now the fragrant flowers do spring and sprout in seemly sort, - The little birds do sit and sing, the lambs do make fine sport; - And now the birchin tree doth bud that makes the schoolboy cry, - The morrice rings while hobby-horse doth foot it featuously: - The lords and ladies now abroad, for their disport and play, - Do kiss sometimes upon the grass, and sometimes in the hay. - Now butter with a leaf of sage is good to purge the blood, - Fly Venus and Phlebotomy, for they are neither good. - Now little fish on tender stone begin to cast their bellies, - And sluggish snail, that erst were mew'd, do creep out of their - shellies. - The rumbling rivers now do warm, for little boys to paddle, - The sturdy steed now goes to grass, and up they hang his saddle. - The heavy hart, the blowing buck, the rascal and the pricket, - Are now among the yeoman's pease, and leave the fearful thicket. - And be like them, O you, I say, of this same noble town, - And lift aloft your velvet heads, and slipping of your gown, - With bells on legs, and napkins clean unto your shoulders ty'd, - With scarfs and garters as you please, and Hey for our town! cry'd. - March out and show your willing minds, by twenty and by twenty, - To Hogsdon, or to Newington, where ale and cakes are plenty. - And let it ne'er be said for shame, that we the youths of London, - Lay thrumming of our caps at home, and left our custom undone. - Up then I say, both young and old, both man and maid a-maying, - With drums and guns that bounce aloud, and merry tabor playing. - Which to prolong, God save our king, and send his country peace, - And root out treason from the land; and so, my friends, I cease. - - * * * * * - - -ACT V.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, _solus_. - -_Merch._ I will have no great store of company at the wedding: a couple -of neighbours and their wives; and we will have a capon in stewed broth, -with marrow, and a good piece of beef, stuck with rosemary. - -_Enter_ JASPER, _with his face mealed_. - -_Jasp._ Forbear thy pains, fond man, it is too late. - -_Merch._ Heav'n bless me! Jasper! - - _Jasp._ Ay, I am his ghost, - Whom thou hast injur'd for his constant love: - Fond worldly wretch, who dost not understand - In death that true hearts cannot parted be. - First know, thy daughter is quite borne away - On wings of angels, through the liquid air - Too far out of thy reach, and never more - Shalt thou behold her face: but she and I - Will in another world enjoy our loves, - Where neither father's anger, poverty, - Nor any cross that troubles earthly men, - Shall make us sever our united hearts. - And never shalt thou sit, or be alone - In any place, but I will visit thee - With ghastly looks, and put into thy mind - The great offences which thou didst to me. - When thou art at thy table with thy friends, - Merry in heart, and fill'd with swelling wine, - I'll come in midst of all thy pride and mirth, - Invisible to all men but thyself, - And whisper such a sad tale in thine ear, - Shall make thee let the cup fall from thy hand, - And stand as mute and pale as death itself. - - _Merch._ Forgive me, Jasper! Oh! what might I do, - Tell me, to satisfy thy troubled ghost? - - _Jasp._ There is no means, too late thou think'st on this. - - _Merch._ But tell me what were best for me to do? - - _Jasp._ Repent thy deed, and satisfy my father, - And beat fond Humphrey out of thy doors. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY. - - _Wife._ Look, George, his very ghost would have folks beaten. - - _Humph._ Father, my bride is gone, fair Mistress Luce. - My soul's the font of vengeance, mischief's sluice. - - _Merch._ Hence, fool, out of my sight, with thy fond passion - Thou hast undone me. - - _Humph._ Hold, my father dear, - For Luce thy daughter's sake, that had no peer. - - _Merch._ Thy father, fool? There's some blows more, begone. - [_Beats him._ - - Jasper, I hope thy ghost be well appeased - To see thy will perform'd; now will I go - To satisfy thy father for thy wrongs. [_Exit._ - - _Humph._ What shall I do? I have been beaten twice, - And Mistress Luce is gone. Help me, device: - Since my true love is gone, I never more, - Whilst I do live, upon the sky will pore; - But in the dark will wear out my shoe-soles - In passion, in Saint Faith's Church under Paul's. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ George, call Ralph hither; if you love me, call Ralph hither. I -have the bravest thing for him to do, George; prithee call him quickly. - -_Cit._ Ralph, why Ralph, boy! - -_Enter_ RALPH. - -_Ralph._ Here, sir. - -_Cit._ Come hither, Ralph, come to thy mistress, boy. - -_Wife._ Ralph, I would have thee call all the youths together in -battle-ray, with drums, and guns, and flags, and march to Mile End in -pompous fashion, and there exhort your soldiers to be merry and wise, -and to keep their beards from burning, Ralph; and then skirmish, and let -your flags fly, and cry, Kill, kill, kill! My husband shall lend you his -jerkin, Ralph, and there's a scarf; for the rest, the house shall furnish -you, and we'll pay for't: do it bravely, Ralph, and think before whom you -perform, and what person you represent. - -_Ralph._ I warrant you, mistress, if I do it not, for the honour of the -city, and the credit of my master, let me never hope for freedom. - -_Wife._ 'Tis well spoken i'faith; go thy ways, thou art a spark indeed. - -_Cit._ Ralph, double your files bravely, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ I warrant you, sir. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Cit._ Let him look narrowly to his service, I shall take him else; I was -there myself a pike-man once, in the hottest of the day, wench; had my -feather shot sheer away, the fringe of my pike burnt off with powder, my -pate broken with a scouring-stick, and yet I thank God I am here. [_Drum -within._ - -_Wife._ Hark, George, the drums! - -_Cit._ Ran, tan, tan, tan, ran tan. Oh, wench, an' thou hadst but seen -little Ned of Aldgate, drum Ned, how he made it roar again, and laid on -like a tyrant, and then struck softly till the Ward came up, and then -thundered again, and together we go: "Sa, sa, sa," bounce quoth the guns; -"Courage, my hearts," quoth the captains; "Saint George," quoth the -pike-men; and withal here they lay, and there they lay; and yet for all -this I am here, wench. - -_Wife._ Be thankful for it, George, for indeed 'tis wonderful. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and his Company, with drums and colours_. - -_Ralph._ March fair, my hearts; lieutenant, beat the rear up; ancient, -let your colours fly; but have a great care of the butchers' hooks at -Whitechapel, they have been the death of many a fair ancient. Open -your files, that I may take a view both of your persons and munition. -Sergeant, call a muster. - -_Serg._ A stand. William Hamerton, pewterer. - -_Ham._ Here, Captain. - -_Ralph._ A croslet and a Spanish pike; 'tis well, can you shake it with -a terror? - -_Ham._ I hope so, captain. - -_Ralph._ Charge upon me--'tis with the weakest. Put more strength, -William Hamerton, more strength. As you were again; proceed, sergeant. - -_Serg._ George Green-goose, poulterer. - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ Let me see your piece, neighbour Green-goose. When was she shot -in? - -_Green._ An' like you, master captain, I made a shot even now, partly to -scour her, and partly for audacity. - -_Ralph._ It should seem so, certainly, for her breath is yet inflamed; -besides, there is a main fault in the touch-hole, it stinketh. And I -tell you, moreover, and believe it, ten such touch-holes would poison -the army; get you a feather, neighbour, get you a feather, sweet oil and -paper, and your piece may do well enough yet. Where's your powder? - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ What, in a paper? As I am a soldier and a gentleman, it craves -a martial court: you ought to die for't. Where's your horn? Answer me to -that. - -_Green._ An't like you, sir, I was oblivious. - -_Ralph._ It likes me not it should be so; 'tis a shame for you, and a -scandal to all our neighbours, being a man of worth and estimation, to -leave your horn behind you: I am afraid 'twill breed example. But let me -tell you no more on't; stand till I view you all. What's become o' th' -nose of your flask? - -_1st Sold._ Indeed, la' captain, 'twas blown away with powder. - -_Ralph._ Put on a new one at the city's charge. Where's the flint of this -piece? - -_2nd Sold._ The drummer took it out to light tobacco. - -_Ralph._ 'Tis a fault, my friend; put it in again. You want a nose, and -you a flint; sergeant, take a note on't, for I mean to stop it in their -pay. Remove and march; soft and fair, gentlemen, soft and fair: double -your files; as you were; faces about. Now you with the sodden face, keep -in there: look to your match, sirrah, it will be in your fellow's flask -anon. So make a crescent now, advance your pikes, stand and give ear. -Gentlemen, countrymen, friends, and my fellow-soldiers, I have brought -you this day from the shop of security and the counters of content, to -measure out in these furious fields honour by the ell and prowess by the -pound. Let it not, O let it not, I say, be told hereafter, the noble -issue of this city fainted; but bear yourselves in this fair action like -men, valiant men, and free men. Fear not the face of the enemy, nor -the noise of the guns; for believe me, brethren, the rude rumbling of -a brewer's car is more terrible, of which you have a daily experience: -neither let the stink of powder offend you, since a more valiant stink is -always with you. To a resolved mind his home is everywhere. I speak not -this to take away the hope of your return; for you shall see (I do not -doubt it), and that very shortly, your loving wives again, and your sweet -children, whose care doth bear you company in baskets. Remember, then, -whose cause you have in hand, and like a sort of true-born scavengers, -scour me this famous realm of enemies. I have no more to say but this: -Stand to your tacklings, lads, and show to the world you can as well -brandish a sword as shake an apron. Saint George, and on, my hearts! - - _Omnes._ Saint George, Saint George! [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ 'Twas well done, Ralph; I'll send thee a cold capon a field, and -a bottle of March beer; and, it may be, come myself to see thee. - -_Cit._ Nell, the boy hath deceived me much; I did not think it had been -in him. He has perform'd such a matter, wench, that, if I live, next year -I'll have him Captain of the Gallifoist, or I'll want my will. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Old Mer._ Yet, I thank God, I break not a wrinkle more than I had; not a -stoop, boys. Care, live with cats, I defy thee! My heart is as sound as -an oak; and tho' I want drink to wet my whistle, I can sing, - - "Come no more there, boys; come no more there: - For we shall never, whilst we live, come any more there." - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a coffin_. - -_Boy._ God save you, sir. - -_Old Mer._ It's a brave boy. Canst thou sing? - -_Boy._ Yes, sir, I can sing, but 'tis not so necessary at this time. - - _Old Mer._ "Sing we, and chaunt it, - Whilst love doth grant it." - -_Boy._ Sir, sir, if you knew what I have brought you, you would have -little list to sing. - - _Old Mer._ "Oh, the Mimon round, - Full long I have thee sought, - And now I have thee found, - And what hast thou here brought?" - - _Boy._ A coffin, sir, and your dead son Jasper in it. - - _Old Mer._ Dead! - - "Why farewell he: - Thou wast a bonny boy, - And I did love thee." - -_Enter_ JASPER. - -_Jasp._ Then I pray you, sir, do so still. - - _Old Mer._ Jasper's ghost! - - "Thou art welcome from Stygian-lake so soon, - Declare to me what wondrous things - In Pluto's Court are done." - -_Jasp._ By my troth, sir, I ne'er came there, 'tis too hot for me, sir. - -_Old Mer._ A merry ghost, a very merry ghost. - -"And where is your true love? Oh, where is yours?" - - _Jasp._ Marry look you, sir. [_Heaves up the coffin._ - - _Old Mer._ Ah ha! Art thou good at that i'faith? - "With hey trixie terlerie-whiskin, - The world it runs on wheels; - When the young man's frisking - Up goes the maiden's heels." - - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL _within_. - - _Mist. Mer._ What, Mr. Merry-thought, will you not let's in? - What do you think shall become of us? - -_Old Mer._ What voice is that that calleth at our door? - -_Mist. Mer._ You know me well enough, I am sure I have not been such a -stranger to you. - - _Old Mer._ "And some they whistled, and some they sung, - Hey down, down: - And some did loudly say, - Ever as the Lord Barnet's horn blew, - Away, Musgrave, away." - -_Mist. Mer._ You will not have us starve here, will you, Master -Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ Nay, good sir, be persuaded, she is my mother. If her offences -have been great against you, let your own love remember she is yours, and -so forgive her. - -_Luce._ Good Master Merry-thought, let me entreat you, I will not be -denied. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, will you be a vext thing still? - -_Old Mer._ Woman, I take you to my love again, but you shall sing before -you enter; therefore despatch your song, and so come in. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, you must have your will when all's done. Michael, what -song canst thou sing, boy? - -_Mich._ I can sing none forsooth but "A Lady's Daughter of Paris," -properly. - - _Mist. Mer._ [song.] "It was a lady's daughter," &c. - - _Old Mer._ Come, you're welcome home again. - "If such danger be in playing, - And jest must to earnest turn, - You shall go no more a-maying"---- - -_Merch._ [within.] Are you within, Sir Master Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ It is my master's voice, good sir; go hold him in talk whilst we -convey ourselves into some inward room. - -_Old Mer._ What are you? Are you merry? You must be very merry if you -enter. - -_Merch._ I am, sir. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, then. - -_Merch._ Nay, good sir, open to me. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, I say, or by the merry heart you come not in. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, I'll sing. - "Fortune my foe," &c. - -_Old Mer._ You are welcome, sir, you are welcome: you see your -entertainment, pray you be merry. - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought, I'm come to ask you - Forgiveness for the wrongs I offered you, - And your most virtuous son; they're infinite, - Yet my contrition shall be more than they. - I do confess my hardness broke his heart, - For which just Heav'n hath given me punishment - More than my age can carry; his wand'ring sprite, - Not yet at rest, pursues me everywhere, - Crying, I'll haunt thee for thy cruelty. - My daughter she is gone, I know not how. - Taken invisible, and whether living, - Or in grave, 'tis yet uncertain to me. - Oh, Master Merry-thought, these are the weights - Will sink me to my grave. Forgive me, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Why, sir, I do forgive you, and be merry. - And if the wag in's lifetime play'd the knave, - Can you forgive him too? - - _Merch._ With all my heart, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Speak it again, and heartily. - - _Merch._ I do, sir. - Now by my soul I do. - - _Old Mer._ "With that came out his paramour, - She was as white as the lily flower, - Hey troul, troly loly. - With that came out her own dear knight, - He was as true as ever did fight," &c. - -_Enter_ LUCE _and_ JASPER. - -Sir, if you will forgive 'em, clap their hands together, there's no more -to be said i' th' matter. - -_Merch._ I do, I do! - -_Cit._ I do not like this. Peace, boys, hear me one of you, everybody's -part is come to an end but Ralph's, and he's left out. - -_Boy._ 'Tis long of yourself, sir, we have nothing to do with his part. - -_Cit._ Ralph, come away, make on him as you have done of the rest, boys, -come. - -_Wife_. Now, good husband, let him come out and die. - -_Cit._ He shall, Nell; Ralph, come away quickly and die, boy. - -_Boy._ 'Twill be very unfit he should die, sir, upon no occasion, and in -a comedy too. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for that, Sir Boy; is not his part at an end, -think you, when he's dead? Come away, Ralph. - -_Enter_ RALPH _with a forked arrow through his head._ - - _Ralph._ When I was mortal, this my costive corps - Did lap up figs and raisins in the Strand, - Where sitting, I espy'd a lovely dame, - Whose master wrought with lingel and with awl, - And underground he vampéd many a boot. - Straight did her love prick forth me, tender sprig, - To follow feats of arms in warlike wise, - Through Waltham Desert; where I did perform - Many achievements, and did lay on ground - Huge Barbaroso, that insulting giant, - And all his captives soon set at liberty. - Then honour prick'd me from my native soil - Into Moldavia, where I gain'd the love - Of Pompiana, his beloved daughter; - But yet prov'd constant to the black-thumbed maid - Susan, and scornéd Pompiana's love. - Yet liberal I was, and gave her pins, - And money for her father's officers. - I then returnéd home, and thrust myself - In action, and by all men chosen was - The Lord of May, where I did flourish it, - With scarfs and rings, and posie in my hand. - After this action I preferréd was, - And chosen City Captain at Mile End, - With hat and feather, and with leading staff, - And train'd my men, and brought them all off clean, - Save one man that berayed him with the noise. - But all these things I, Ralph, did undertake, - Only for my belovéd Susan's sake. - Then coming home, and sitting in my shop - With apron blue, Death came unto my stall - To cheapen aquavitæ, but ere I - Could take the bottle down, and fill a taste, - Death caught a pound of pepper in his hand, - And sprinkled all my face and body o'er, - And in an instant vanishéd away. - - _Cit._ 'Tis a pretty fiction, i'faith. - - _Ralph._ Then took I up my bow and shaft in hand, - And walkéd in Moorfields to cool myself, - But there grim cruel Death met me again, - And shot his forkéd arrow through my head. - And now I faint; therefore be warn'd by me, - My fellows every one, of forkéd heads. - Farewell, all you good boys in merry London, - Ne'er shall we more upon Shrove Tuesday meet, - And pluck down houses of iniquity. - My pain increaseth: I shall never more - When clubs are cried be brisk upon my legs, - Nor daub a satin gown with rotten eggs. - Set up a stake, oh never more I shall; - I die! Fly, fly, my soul, to Grocers Hall! Oh, oh, oh, &c. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph, do your obeisance to the gentlemen, and go your -ways. Well said, Ralph. - - [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Old Mer._ Methinks all we, thus kindly and unexpectedly reconciled, -should not part without a song. - -_Merch._ A good motion. - -_Old Mer._ Strike up, then. - -SONG. - - Better music ne'er was known, - Than a quire of hearts in one. - Let each other, that hath been - Troubled with the gall or spleen, - Learn of us to keep his brow - Smooth and plain, as yours are now. - Sing though before the hour of dying, - He shall rise, and then be crying - Heyho, 'tis nought but mirth - That keeps the body from the earth. [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUS. - -_Cit._ Come, Nell, shall we go? The play's done. - -_Wife._ Nay, by my faith, George, I have more manners than so, I'll speak -to these gentlemen first. I thank you all, gentlemen, for your patience -and countenance to Ralph, a poor fatherless child, and if I may see you -at my house, it should go hard but I would have a pottle of wine, and a -pipe of tobacco for you, for truly I hope you like the youth, but I would -be glad to know the truth. I refer it to your own discretions, whether -you will applaud him or no, for I will wink, and whilst, you shall do -what you will.--I thank you with all my heart: God give you good night. -Come, George. - - - - -THE REHEARSAL. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - BAYES. - JOHNSON. - SMITH. - _Two Kings of Brentford_. - PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - _Gentleman-Usher_. - _Physician_. - DRAWCANSIR. - _General_. - _Lieutenant-General_. - CORDELIO. - TOM THIMBLE. - _Fisherman_. - _Sun_. - _Thunder_. - _Players_. - _Soldiers_. - _Two Heralds_. - _Four Cardinals_. } - _Mayor_. } Mutes - _Judges_ } - _Serjeant-at-Arms_. } - AMARYLLIS. - CLORIS. - PARTHENOPE. - PALLAS. - _Lightning_. - _Moon_. - _Earth_. - Attendants of Men and Women. - - SCENE.--BRENTFORD. - - -PROLOGUE. - - We might well call this short mock-play of ours, - A posy made of weeds instead of flowers; - Yet such have been presented to your noses, - And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses. - Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night, - What stuff it is in which they took delight. - Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall - Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all. - There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train, - Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein. - For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ - In spite of reason, nature, art and wit) - Our poets make us laugh at tragedy, - And with their comedies they make us cry. - Now critics, do your worst, that here are met; - For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet. - If you approve, I shall assume the state - Of those high-flyers whom I imitate: - And justly too, for I will teach you more - Than ever they would let you know before. - I will not only show the feats they do, - But give you all their reasons for 'em too. - Some honour may to me from hence arise; - But if, by my endeavours you grow wise, - And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise; - Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage, - 'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -JOHNSON _and_ SMITH. - -_Johns._ Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long -hast thou been in town? - -_Smith._ Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I -had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the -strange new things we have heard in the country. - -_Johns._ And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all -the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here. - -_Smith._ Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, -what are our men of business doing? - -_Johns._ I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another -way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as -I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, -who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are -always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought -men of business. - -_Smith._ Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the -dullest of men. - -_Johns._ Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, -and your gravest beast is an ass. - -_Smith._ Well: but how dost thou pass thy time? - -_Johns._ Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend -to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are -such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost -made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid -nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime. - -_Smith._ I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and -our country wits commend 'em. - -_Johns._ Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new -kind of wits. - -_Smith._ New kind! what kind is that? - -_Johns._ Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows -that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and -surprise. - -_Smith._ Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of -that. - -_Johns._ Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand -that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their -no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; -'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, -crying; and everything, but thinking and sense. - -MR. BAYES _passes over the stage_. - -_Bayes._ Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir. - -_Johns._ Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you. - -_Smith._ No, prithee let him alone. - -_Johns._ Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him. [_Goes after him._ Here he is; -I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to -this friend of mine? - -_Bayes._ Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, but -receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the honourable title -you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this--sweet sir, your servant. - -_Smith._ Your humble servant, sir. - -_Johns._ But wilt thou do me a favour, now? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, what is't? - -_Johns._ Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play. - -_Bayes._ How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot? - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; anything. - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have -a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been -blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I -say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. -In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and -pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1] This morning is -its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; -and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its -virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be ashamed to -discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket. [_Puts his -hand in his pocket._ - -_Johns._ Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; -but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my -friend will do so too. - -_Smith._ Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from -your company. - -_Bayes._ Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama -Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays. - -_Johns._ Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it -convenient to make use of. - -_Smith._ How, sir, helps for wit? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet -the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, -except it were by the help of these my rules.[2] - -_Johns._ What are those rules, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula -Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse, _alternativè_ as -you please. - -_Smith._ Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in -my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any -wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if -it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it -be verse, put it into prose. - -_Johns._ Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be -called transprosing. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it -shall be so. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then? - -_Bayes._ Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next -rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe. - -_Johns._ We hear you, sir; go on. - -_Bayes._ As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where -witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon -as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making -you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these -things. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one -rule for invention? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket. - -_Smith._ What rule can that be, I wonder? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my -head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, -and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's -Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the -rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving -out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit -as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my -rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the -effects. - -_Smith._ We'll follow you, sir. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter three_ PLAYERS _on the stage_. - -_1st Play._ Have you your part perfect? - -_2nd Play._ Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is -to be spoken. - -_3rd Play._ And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what -humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I -don't know what to make on't. - -_1st Play._ Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us -all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things -please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, -the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for -to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end -of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new -matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all -that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are -essential to a play. - -_2nd Play._ Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no -great matter. - -_Enter_ BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.--a--. Ha' you -your part ready? - -_1st Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ But do you understand the true humour of it? - -_1st Play._ Ay, sir, pretty well. - -_Bayes._ And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her? - -_3rd Play._ Oh, admirably! - -_Bayes._ I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make -'em call her anon, in this play? - -_Smith._ What, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, -ha, ha! - -_Johns._ That will be very well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but--a--come, let's sit down. -Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole -plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several -accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the -grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same -place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now -the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, -the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among -themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves -equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; -though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well -understood.) - -_Johns._ I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again. - -_Bayes._ Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in -taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of -the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, -and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their -own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a--you -understand me--upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, -heart-burnings, and all that--in fine, you'll apprehend it better when -you see it. - - [_Exit, to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if -they can make any sense out of this. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. -I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for -either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the -prologue;[3] (do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any -other play as well as this. - -_Smith._ Very well; that's indeed artificial. - -_Bayes._ And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would -do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but -two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by -insinuation, good language, and all that, to--a--in a manner, steal your -plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of -some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring -persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being -too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I -come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a -furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out -of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, -and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping--a-- - -_Smith._ Ay, but suppose they don't. - -_Bayes._ Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing -to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, -sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!--ha, ha, ha! [_Walks away._ - -_Johns._ Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow -newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, -here, of the town. - -_Bayes._ If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd -the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar -friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and -they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it. - -_Bayes._ I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, -for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, -I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot -into the boxes;[4] and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my -friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the -rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your -suppose? Ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss. - -_Bayes._ I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the -prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, -you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; -for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of -persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so -many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and -censure things that, egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. -A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, -and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5] that, egad, -to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons -that do as much despise all that as--a-- In fine, I'll say no more of 'em. - -_Johns._ Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure -more than they'll e'er be able to answer. - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely and _bonâ fide_, were it not -for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that -have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would -e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates. - -_Johns._ Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if -I were in your place, now, I would do so. - -_Bayes._ No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be -disengag'd from;[6] otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my -hangman? - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, I should like him very well. - -_Bayes._ By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would -you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue? - -_Johns._ Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both. - -_Bayes._ No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another. - -_Johns._ What other, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning. - -_Johns._ That's greater; I'd rather stick to that. - -_Bayes._ Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many -witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is a _non -pareillo_: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make -my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to -oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all -that; so, in this, by the other way, _in terrorem_, I choose for the -persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit? - -_Johns._ Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before -they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock. - -_Bayes._ I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the -whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it. - -_Smith._ Let's hear it, I pray you. - - _Bayes._ 'Tis an allusion to love. - [7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh, - Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky; - Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves, - And there consummate their unfinish'd loves: - Pensive in mud they wallow all alone, - And snore and gruntle to each other's moan." - - How do you like it now, ha? - -_Johns._ Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder -and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank -you; and I'll put it in _profecto_. Come out, Thunder and Lightning. - -_Enter_ THUNDER _and_ LIGHTNING. - -_Thun._ I am the bold Thunder. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a -hoarse voice. I am the bold _Thunder_: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that -thunders it out indeed: I am the bold _Thunder_. - - _Thun._ I am the bold _Thunder_.[8] - - _Light._ The brisk Lightning, I. - - _Bayes._ Nay, you must be quick and nimble. - The brisk _Lightning_, I. That's my meaning. - - _Thun._ I am the bravest Hector of the sky. - - _Light._ And I fair Helen, that made Hector die. - - _Thun._ I strike men down. - - _Light._ I fire the town. - - _Thun._ Let critics take heed how they grumble, - For then begin I for to rumble. - - _Light._ Let the ladies allow us their graces, - Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces, - And dry up their petre to soot. - - _Thun._ Let the critics look to't. - - _Light._ Let the ladies look to't.[9] - - _Thun._ For Thunder will do't. - - _Light._ For Lightning will shoot. - - _Thun._ I'll give you dash for dash. - - _Light._ I'll give you flash for flash. - Gallants, I'll singe your feather. - - _Thun._ I'll thunder you together. - -_Both._ Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't, we'll -do't. - - [_Twice or thrice repeated._ - [_Exeunt ambo._ - -_Bayes._ There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll. - -_Smith._ Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible. - -_Bayes._ Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad. Come, -come, begin the play. - -_Enter_ FIRST PLAYER. - -_1st Play._ Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, -he's but two doors off.[10] - -_Bayes._ Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done -before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the -plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11] - -_Smith._ Umph! very new indeed. - -_Bayes._ Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Phys._ Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher -of this sumptuous place. - -_Ush._ And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect you rule -the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician. - -_Phys._ You hit my function right. - -_Ush._ And you mine. - -_Phys._ Then let's embrace. - -_Ush._ Come. - -_Phys._ Come. - -_Johns._ Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of -Brentford. - -_Johns._ But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another -no better? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot. - -_Johns._ Very well. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude. - -_Smith._ What, before he begins? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty -while without. - -_Smith._ Where? in the tyring-room? - -_Bayes._ Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted -the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, -like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are -grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings -on the people. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good? - -_Johns._ Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable. - - _Phys._ But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo - should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you - then perhaps would find that---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now he whispers. - - _Ush._ Alone do you say? - - _Phys._ No, attended with the noble---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Again. - - _Ush._ Who, he in grey? - - _Phys._ Yes, and at the head of---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Pray mark. - - _Ush._ Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear, - These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't; - First, he---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now the other whispers. - - _Ush._ Secondly, they---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ At it still. - - _Ush._ Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they---- [_Whispers._ - -_Bayes._ Now they both whisper. [_Exeunt whispering._ Now, gentlemen, -pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning -of a play? - -_Johns._ In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same -place? - -_Bayes._ Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your -Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for -fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I. - -_Smith._ But what think you of Sir John Suckling? - -_Bayes._ By gad, I am a better poet than he. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because -they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be -divulg'd. - -_Smith._ But then, sir, why---- - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the -fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed. - -[_Goes to the door._ - -_Johns._ How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee? - -_Smith._ Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all -that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what -moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach. - -_Johns._ It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12] has informed me of this -play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene -here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever -been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls -good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably -dull, and not one word to the purpose. - -_Smith._ It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much. - -_Johns._ Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play -or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with -this new kind of foppery. - -_Smith._ Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a -fool to be laugh'd at. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Johns._ I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; -tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper -well. - -_Bayes._ Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, -you'll find it so. - -_Johns._ Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I -assure you, has written a great many fine things already. - -_Bayes._ Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you -write? - -_Smith._ Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health. - -_Bayes._ Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write? - -_Smith._ I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down. - -_Bayes._ Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing -is, with what do you prepare yourself? - -_Smith._ Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean? - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar -things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes -only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and -let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery -flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you -must purge the stomach. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the -best I have. - -_Smith._ In good faith, sir, and that may very well be. - -_Bayes._ May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: _Experto crede Roberto._ But I -must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13] -when you write. - -_Smith._ Why so, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in -all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to -help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ KINGS, _hand in hand_. - -_Bayes._ Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of -their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could -make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so. - -_1st King._ Did you observe their whispers, brother king? - - _2nd King._ I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing, - That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks. - -_Bayes._ This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same -quality. - -_Smith._ S'death, this would make a man sick. - - _1st King._ If that design appears, - I'll lug them by the ears, - Until I make 'em crack. - -_2nd King._ And so will I, i'fack. - -_1st King._ You must begin, _Ma foy_. - -_2nd King._ Sweet sir, _Pardonnez moy_. - -_Bayes._ Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding. - -_Johns._ Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine! - - _2nd King._ Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand, - And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand. - [_Exeunt Reges._ - -_Johns._ This is a majestic scene indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: -I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; -egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It -was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very -same style; it was never acted yet. - -_Johns._ How so? - -_Bayes._ Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so -pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ What is't? - -_Bayes._ Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ That's impossible! - -_Bayes._ Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Fie, that was rude. - -_Bayes._ Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and -all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. -I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of -things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent -rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again. - -_Johns._ Strange fellows indeed! - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this -whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it. - -_Bayes._ No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two -kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the -door, just as the other went off. - -_Smith._ That indeed would have done it. - -_Bayes._ Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best -things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have -been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that -I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the -nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman -comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know -was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, -a knight.[14] - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - - _Pret._ How strange a captive am I grown of late! - Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate! - My love, I cannot; that is too divine: - And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15] - -_Enter_ CHLORIS. - - But here she comes. - Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not! [_Lies down._ - - _Bayes._ Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine! - - _Pret._ But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the - rest. [_Sleeps._ - -_Bayes._ Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the nick? -his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all that, and swop -he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must make a simile. - -_Smith._ Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever -make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing. - - _Cloris._[16] As some tall pine, which we on Ætna find - T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind, - Feeling without that flames within do play, - Which would consume his root and sap away; - He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies, - Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies: - So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears. - Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears. - [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too. - -_Bayes._ No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, -and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But -I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ -it, I wept myself. - -_Smith._ No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am -likelier to fall asleep. - -PRINCE PRETTYMAN _starts up, and says_-- - - _Pret._ It is resolved! [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ That's all. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, -and you not be angry? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to -gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say -that, sir. - -_Smith._ Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in -his sleep? - -_Bayes._ Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one -that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, -sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo -secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you -mark me?)--a-- - -_Smith._ Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all? - -_Bayes._ I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, -egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for -Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe -it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill -argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two -grand, sober, governing persons. - - -SCENE IV. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Ush._ Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads -together. - -_Phys._ Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but -when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in -my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith. - -_Bayes._ I do just so, egad, always. - -_Ush._ The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I -divide thus. - -_Phys._ Yes, it must be divided so indeed. - -_Smith._ That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another -man's opinion, before he knows what it is. - -_Bayes._ Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you. - -_Ush._ I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and -whether they heard or no. - -_Johns._ Most admirably divided, I swear! - -_Ush._ As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as -for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what -we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last -question, _videlicet_, whether they heard or no. - -_Smith._ This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians. - -_Ush._ Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question. - -_Phys._ No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you. - -_Ush._ Your will must be a law. - -_Phys._ Come, then, what is't I must ask? - -_Smith._ This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short -memory. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, -and this is but his pupil. - -_Ush._ You must ask me whether they heard us whisper. - -_Phys._ Well, I do so. - -_Ush._ Say it then. - -_Smith._ Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw. - -_Johns._ This is mighty methodical. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other -way, egad, in business. - -_Phys._ Did they hear us whisper? - -_Ush._ Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word -whisper: to whisper in Latin is _susurrare_, which is as much as to -say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us -whisper; but then comes in the _quomodo_, the _how_; how did they hear -us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or -accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper. - -_Phys._ Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more. - -_Ush._ Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the -latter end of the play. - -_Smith._ I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. -Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, -to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business. - -_Johns._ You have done it exceeding well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think this will do. - -_Phys._ Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody -else will take us. - -_Smith._ Not for politicians, I dare answer for it. - - _Phys._ Let's then no more ourselves in vain bemoan: - We are not safe until we them unthrone. - - _Ush._ 'Tis right: - And, since occasion now seems debonair, - I'll seize on this, and you shall take that chair. - -[_They draw their swords, and sit in the two great chairs upon the stage._ - -_Bayes._ There's now an odd surprise; the whole state's turned quite -topsy-turvy, without any pother or stir in the whole world, egad.[17] - -_Johns._ A very silent change of government, truly, as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ It is so. And yet you shall see me bring 'em in again, -by-and-by, in as odd a way every jot. - -[_The Usurpers march out, flourishing their swords._ - -_Enter_ SHIRLY. - - _Shir._ Heyho! heyho! what a change is here! heyday, heyday! - I know not what to do, nor what to say.[18] [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, in my opinion, now, that gentleman might have said -a little more upon this occasion. - -_Bayes._ No, sir, not at all; for I underwrit his part on purpose to set -off the rest. - -_Johns._ Cry you mercy, sir. - -_Smith._ But pray, sir, how came they to depose the kings so easily? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, they long had a design to do it before; -but never could put it in practice till now: and to tell you true, that's -one reason why I made 'em whisper so at first. - -_Smith._ Oh, very well; now I'm fully satisfied. - -_Bayes._ And then to show you, sir, it was not done so very easily -neither, in the next scene you shall see some fighting. - -_Smith._ Oh, oh; so then you make the struggle to be after the business -is done? - -_Bayes._ Ay. - -_Smith._ Oh, I conceive you: that, I swear, is very natural. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter four Men at one door, and four at another, with their swords -drawn._ - -_1st Sold._ Stand. Who goes there? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend. - -_1st Sold._ What friend? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend to the house. - - _1st Sold._ Fall on! [_They all kill one another._ - [_Music strikes._ - - _Bayes._ Hold, hold. [_To the music. It ceases._ - Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see - rise up presently, at a certain note that I have, in _effaut flat_, - and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? remember your - note in _effaut flat_. - Play on. [_To the music._ - Now, now, now! [_The music plays his note, and the dead men - rise; but cannot get in order._ - O Lord! O Lord! Out, out, out! did ever men spoil a good - thing so! no figure, no ear, no time, nothing. Udzookers, you - dance worse than the angels in "Harry the Eighth," or the fat - spirits in the "Tempest," egad. - -_1st Sold._ Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to this -tune. - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if there be any -faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two whole nights in -composing this air, and apting it for the business; for, if you observe, -there are two several designs in this tune: it begins swift, and ends -slow. You talk of time, and time; you shall see me do it. Look you, now: -here I am dead. - - [_Lies down flat upon his face._ - - Now mark my note _effaut flat_. Strike up, music. - Now. [_As he rises up hastily, he falls down again._ - Ah, gadzookers! I have broke my nose. - -_Johns._ By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate note of -yours, in _effaut_. - -_Bayes._ A plague on this old stage, with your nails, and your -tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to act, but he -must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and all. Pray, sir, can -you help me to a wet piece of brown paper? - -_Smith._ No, indeed, sir, I don't usually carry any about me. - -_2nd Sold._ Sir, I'll go get you some within presently. - -_Bayes._ Go, go, then; I follow you. Pray dance out the dance, and I'll -be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like horse-men. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - - _Smith._ Like horse-men! what a plague can that be? - - _They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it._ - - _1st Sold._ A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance - that Mr. Bayes found fault with so. [_Dance, and Exeunt._ - - _Smith._ What can this fool be doing all this while about his - nose? - - _Johns._ Prithee let's go see. [_Exeunt._ - - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -BAYES _with a paper on his nose_, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, this I do, because my fancy, in this play, is, to end -every act with a dance. - -_Smith._ Faith, that fancy is very good; but I should hardly have broke -my nose for it, tho'. - -_Johns._ That fancy I suppose is new too. - -_Bayes._ Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's heels; but -make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. Now, here comes in a -scene of sheer wit, without any mixture in the whole world, egad! between -Prince Prettyman and his tailor: it might properly enough be call'd a -prize of wit; for you shall see them come in one upon another snip-snap, -hit for hit, as fast as can be. First, one speaks, then presently -t'other's upon him, slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash -with a new conceit; and so eternally, eternally, egad, till they go quite -off the stage. [_Goes to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ What a plague does this fop mean, by his snip snap, hit for hit, -and dash! - -_Johns._ Mean! why, he never meant anything in's life; what dost talk of -meaning for? - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Why don't you come in? - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ TOM THIMBLE.[19] - -This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted, for 'tis -as full of drollery as ever it can hold. 'Tis like an orange stuff'd with -cloves, as for conceit. - -_Pret._ But prithee, Tom Thimble, why wilt thou needs marry? if nine -tailors make but one man, what work art thou cutting out here for -thyself, trow? - -_Bayes._ Good. - -_Thim._ Why, an't please your highness, if I can't make up all the work -I cut out, I shan't want journeymen enow to help me, I warrant you. - -_Bayes._ Good again. - -_Pret._ I am afraid thy journeymen, tho', Tom, won't work by the day. - -_Bayes._ Good still. - -_Thim._ However, if my wife sits but as I do, there will be no -great danger: not half so much as when I trusted you, sir, for your -coronation-suit. - -_Bayes._ Very good, i'faith. - -_Pret._ Why the times then liv'd upon trust; it was the fashion. You -would not be out of time, at such a time as that, sure: a tailor, you -know, must never be out of fashion. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Thim._ I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the court-fashion, for you -never paid me yet. - -_Bayes._ There's a bob for the court.[20] - -_Pret._ Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when thou art angry, I see: thou -pay'st me now, methinks. - -_Bayes._ There's pay upon pay! as good as ever was written, egad! - -_Thim._ Ay, sir, in your own coin; you give me nothing but words.[21] - -_Bayes._ Admirable! - -_Pret._ Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have another coin for thee; for -now the wars are coming on, I shall grow to be a man of metal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, you did not do that half enough. - -_Johns._ Methinks he does it admirably. - -_Bayes._ Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't: he does not top -his part.[22] - -_Thim._ That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, sir. I shall see you come -home, like an angel for the king's evil, with a hole bor'd thro' you. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Ha, there he has hit it up to the hilts, egad! How do you like -it now, gentlemen? is not this pure wit? - -_Smith._ 'Tis snip-snap, sir, as you say; but methinks not pleasant, nor -to the purpose; for the play does not go on. - -_Bayes._ Play does not go on! I don't know what you mean: why, is not -this part of the play? - -_Smith._ Yes; but the plot stands still. - -_Bayes._ Plot stand still! why, what a devil is the plot good for, but to -bring in fine things? - -_Smith._ Oh, I did not know that before. - -_Bayes._ No, I think you did not, nor many things more, that I am master -of. Now, sir, egad, this is the bane of all us writers; let us soar -but never so little above the common pitch, egad, all's spoil'd, for -the vulgar never understand it; they can never conceive you, sir, the -excellency of these things. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess; but you write on still for all -that! - -_Bayes._ Write on? Ay, egad, I warrant you. 'Tis not their talk shall -stop me; if they catch me at that lock, I'll give them leave to hang me. -As long as I know my things are good, what care I what they say? What, -are they gone without singing my last new song? 'sbud would it were in -their bellies. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, if I have any skill in these -matters, I vow to gad this song is peremptorily the very best that ever -yet was written: you must know it was made by Tom Thimble's first wife -after she was dead. - -_Smith._ How, sir, after she was dead? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what have you to say to that? - -_Johns._ Say? why nothing. He were a devil that had anything to say to -that. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Smith._ How did she come to die, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's no matter; by a fall: but here's the conceit, that -upon his knowing she was kill'd by an accident, he supposes, with a sigh, -that she died for love of him. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, that's well enough; let's hear it, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ 'Tis to the tune of "Farewell, fair Armida;" on seas, and in -battles, in bullets, and all that. - - -SONG.[23] - - In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be, - Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee: - My death's bruise pray think you gave me, tho' a fall - Did give it me more from the top of a wall: - For then if the moat on her mud would first lay, - And after before you my body convey: - The blue on my breast when you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, there's a true blue for me. - -Ha, rogues! when I am merry, I write these things as fast as hops, egad; -for, you must know, I am as pleasant a cavalier as ever you saw; I am, -i'faith. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how comes this song in here? for methinks there -is no great occasion for it. - -_Bayes._ Alack, sir, you know nothing; you must ever interlard your plays -with songs, ghosts, and dances, if you mean to--a-- - -_Johns._ Pit, box, and gallery,[24] Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark you, Mr. Johnson, you know -I don't flatter; egad, you have a great deal of wit. - -_Johns._ O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour. - -_Bayes._ Nay, nay, come, come, Mr. Johnson, i'faith this must not be said -amongst us that have it. I know you have wit, by the judgment you make -of this play; for that's the measure we go by: my play is my touchstone. -When a man tells me such a one is a person of parts: is he so? say I; -what do I do, but bring him presently to see this play: if he likes it, -I know what to think of him; if not, your most humble servant, sir; I'll -no more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I am _Clara voyant_, egad. Now -here we go on to our business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ USURPERS,[25] _hand in hand_. - - _Ush._ But what's become of Volscius the Great; - His presence has not grac'd our court of late. - - _Phys._ I fear some ill, from emulation sprung, - Has from us that illustrious hero wrung. - -_Bayes._ Is not that majestical? - -_Smith._ Yes, but who the devil is that Volscius? - -_Bayes._ Why, that's a prince I make in love with Parthenope. - -_Smith._ I thank you, sir. - -_Enter_ CORDELIO. - -_Cor._ My lieges, news from Volscius the prince. - -_Ush._ His news is welcome, whatsoe'er it be.[26] - -_Smith._ How, sir, do you mean whether it be good or bad? - -_Bayes._ Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience: gadzookers, you'll -spoil all my play. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to answer every impertinent -question you ask. - -_Smith._ Cry you mercy, sir. - - _Cor._ His highness, sirs, commanded me to tell you, - That the fair person whom you both do know, - Despairing of forgiveness for her fault, - In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt - Upon her precious life; but, by the care - Of standers-by, prevented was. - - _Smith._ Why, what stuff's here? - - _Cor._ At last, - Volscius the Great this dire resolve embrac'd: - His servants he into the country sent, - And he himself to Piccadilly went; - Where he's inform'd by letters that she's dead. - - _Ush._ Dead! is that possible? dead! - - _Phys._ O ye gods! [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ There's a smart expression of a passion: O ye gods! that's one -of my bold strokes, egad. - -_Smith._ Yes; but who's the fair person that's dead? - -_Bayes._ That you shall know anon, sir. - -_Smith._ Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough. - -_Bayes._ Perhaps you may find, too, by-and-by, for all this, that she's -not dead neither. - -_Smith._ Marry, that's good news indeed. I am glad of that with all my -heart. - -_Bayes._ Now here's the man brought in that is supposed to have kill'd -her. [_A great shout within._ - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ AMARYLLIS, _with a book in her hand, and attendants._ - -_Ama._ What shout triumphant's that? - -_Enter a_ SOLDIER. - -_Sold._ Shy maid, upon the river brink, near Twic'nam town, the false -assassinate is ta'en. - -_Ama._ Thanks to the powers above for this deliverance. I hope, - - Its slow beginning will portend - A forward exit to all future end. - -_Bayes._ Pish! there you are out; to all future end! no, no; to all -future END! You must lay the accent upon "end," or else you lose the -conceit. - -_Smith._ I see you are very perfect in these matters. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, one would think, to know -something. - -_Enter_ SOLDIERS, _dragging in an old_ FISHERMAN. - - _Ama._ Villain, what monster did corrupt thy mind - T' attack the noblest soul of human kind? - -Tell me who set thee on. - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to kill Prince Prettyman? - -_Fish._ No; Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Volscius hire you to kill Prince Volscius? - -_Fish._ No, Prince Prettyman. - - _Ama._ So drag him hence, - Till torture of the rack produce his sense. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Mark how I make the horror of his guilt confound his intellects; -for he's out at one and t'other: and that's the design of this scene. - -_Smith._ I see, sir, you have a several design for every scene. - -_Bayes._ Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, I can dispatch you a -whole play, before another man, egad, can make an end of his plot. - - -SCENE IV. - -So now enter Prince Prettyman in a rage. Where the devil is he? why, -Prettyman? why, where I say? O fie, fie, fie, fie! all's marr'd, I vow to -gad, quite marr'd. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN. - -Phoo, phoo! you are come too late, sir; now you may go out again, if you -please. I vow to gad, Mr.--a--I would not give a button for my play, now -you have done this. - -_Pret._ What, sir? - -_Bayes._ What, sir! why, sir, you should have come out in choler, rouse -upon the stage, just as the other went off. Must a man be eternally -telling you of these things? - -_Johns._ Sure this must be some very notable matter that he's so angry at. - -_Smith._ I am not of your opinion. - -_Bayes._ Pish! come let's hear your part, sir. - - _Pret._[27]Bring in my father: why d'ye keep him from me? - Altho' a fisherman, he is my father: - Was ever son yet brought to this distress, - To be, for being a son, made fatherless! - Ah! you just gods, rob me not of a father: - The being of a son take from me rather. [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ Well, Ned, what think you now? - -_Johns._ A devil, this is worst of all: Mr. Bayes, pray what's the -meaning of this scene? - -_Bayes._ O cry you mercy, sir: I protest I had forgot to tell you. Why, -sir, you must know, that long before the beginning of this play, this -prince was taken by a fisherman. - -_Smith._ How, sir, taken prisoner? - -_Bayes._ Taken prisoner! O Lord, what a question's there! did ever any -man ask such a questions? Plague on him, he has put the plot quite out of -my head with this--this--question! what was I going to say? - -_Johns._ Nay, Heaven knows: I cannot imagine. - -_Bayes._ Stay, let me see: taken! O 'tis true. Why, sir, as I was going -to say, his highness here, the prince, was taken in a cradle by a -fisherman, and brought up as his child! - -_Smith._ Indeed! - -_Bayes._ Nay, prithee, hold thy peace. And so, sir, this murder being -committed by the river-side, the fisherman, upon suspicion, was seiz'd, -and thereupon the prince grew angry. - -_Smith._ So, so; now 'tis very plain. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, is not this some disparagement to a prince, to -pass for a fisherman's son? Have a care of that, I pray. - -_Bayes._ No, no, not at all; for 'tis but for a while: I shall fetch him -off again presently, you shall see. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN _and_ THIMBLE. - - _Pret._ By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire, - Rather than let 'em ravish hence my sire. - - _Thim._ Brave Prettyman, it is at length reveal'd, - That he is not thy sire who thee conceal'd. - -_Bayes._ Lo, you now; there, he's off again. - -_Johns._ Admirably done, i'faith! - -_Bayes._ Ay, now the plot thickens very much upon us. - - _Pret._ What oracle this darkness can evince! - Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince. - It is a secret, great as is the world; - In which I, like the soul, am toss'd and hurl'd, - The blackest ink of Fate sure was my lot, - And when she writ my name, she made a blot. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a blustering verse for you now. - -_Smith._ Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily troubled to find he is not -a fisherman's son? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that is not because he has a mind to be his son, but for -fear he should be thought to be nobody's son at all. - -_Smith._ Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed. - -_Bayes._ So, let me see. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, _going out of town._ - -_Smith._ I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, he gave it out so; but that was only to cover his design. - -_Johns._ What design? - -_Bayes._ Why, to head the army that lies conceal'd for him at -Knightsbridge. - -_Johns._ I see here's a great deal of plot, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Yes, now it begins to break: but we shall have a world of more -business anon. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, CLORIS, AMARYLLIS, _and_ HARRY, _with a -riding-cloak and boots._ - - _Ama._ Sir, you are cruel thus to leave the town, - And to retire to country solitude. - - _Clo._ We hop'd this summer that we should at least - Have held the honour of your company. - -_Bayes._ Held the honour of your company; prettily express'd: held the -honour of your company! gadzookers, these fellows will never take notice -of anything. - -_Johns._ I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely; I don't know what he -does. - -_Bayes._ Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis no great matter. Come. - - _Ama._ Pray let us two this single boon obtain! - That you will here, with poor us, still remain! - Before your horses come, pronounce our fate, - For then, alas, I fear 'twill be too late. - - _Bayes._ Sad! - Harry, my boots; for I'll go range among! - -_Vols._ My blades encamp'd, and quit this urban throng.[28] - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, is not this a little difficult, that you -were saying e'en now, to keep an army thus conceal'd in Knightsbridge? - -_Bayes._ In Knightsbridge? stay. - -_Johns._ No, not if the inn-keepers be his friends. - -_Bayes._ His friends! ay, sir, his intimate acquaintance; or else indeed -I grant it could not be. - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, so it might be very easy. - -_Bayes._ Nay, if I do not make all things easy, egad, I'll give you leave -to hang me. Now you would think that he's going out of town: but you -shall see how prettily I have contriv'd to stop him presently. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, you have so amaz'd me, that I know not what to -think. - -_Enter_ PARTHENOPE. - - _Vols._ Bless me! how frail are all my best resolves! - How, in a moment, is my purpose chang'd! - Too soon I thought myself secure from love. - Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name,[29] - Who does so gently rob me of my fame: - For I should meet the army out of town, - And if I fail, must hazard my renown. - - _Par._ My mother, sir, sells ale by the town-walls; - And me her dear Parthenope she calls. - -_Bayes._ Now that's the Parthenope I told you of. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, egad, you are very right. - - _Vols._ Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty shroud? - Thou bring'st the morning pictur'd in a cloud.[30] - -_Bayes._ The morning pictur'd in a cloud! ah, gadzookers, what a conceit -is there! - -_Par._ Give you good even, sir. [_Exit._ - -_Vols._ O inauspicious stars! that I was born To sudden love, and to more -sudden scorn! - -_Ama._ } How! Prince Volscius in love? ha, ha, ha![31] _Clo._ } [_Exeunt -laughing._ - -_Smith._ Sure, Mr. Bayes, we have lost some jest here, that they laugh at -so. - -_Bayes._ Why, did you not observe? he first resolves to go out of town, -and then as he's pulling on his boots, falls in love with her; ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ Well, and where lies the jest of that? - -_Bayes._ Ha? [_Turns to_ JOHNS. - -_Johns._ Why, in the boots: where should the jest lie? - - _Bayes._ Egad, you are in the right: it does lie in the boots---- - [_Turns to_ SMITH. - Your friend and I know where a good jest lies, though you don't, sir. - -_Smith._ Much good do't you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Here now, Mr. Johnson, you shall see a combat betwixt love and -honour. An ancient author has made a whole play on't;[32] but I have -dispatch'd it all in this scene. - -VOLSCIUS _sits down to pull on his boots:_ BAYES _stands by, and -over-acts the part as he speaks it._ - - _Vols._ How has my passion made me Cupid's scoff! - This hasty boot is on, the other off, - And sullen lies, with amorous design, - To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine. - -_Smith._ Prithee, mark what pains Mr. Bayes takes to act this speech -himself! - -_Johns._ Yes, the fool, I see, is mightily transported with it. - - _Vols._ My legs the emblem of my various thought - Show to what sad distraction I am brought. - Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot, - My mind is guarded, and resolv'd to do't: - Sometimes again, that very mind, by love - Disarméd, like this other leg does prove. - Shall I to honour or to love give way? - Go on, cries honour;[33] tender love says, nay; - Honour aloud commands, pluck both boots on; - But softer love does whisper, put on none. - What shall I do! what conduct shall I find, - To lead me thro' this twilight of my mind? - For as bright day, with black approach of night - Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light; - So does my honour and my love together - Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither. - [_Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and t'other off._ - -_Johns._ By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I saw, -and as equal; for 'tis determin'd on neither side. - -_Bayes._ Ay, is't not now egad, ha? for to go off hip-hop, hip-hop, upon -this occasion, is a thousand times better than any conclusion in the -world, egad. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, that hip-hop, in this place, as you say, does -a very great deal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, all in all, sir! they are these little things that mar, -or set you off a play; as I remember once in a play of mine, I set -off a scene, egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat, and the -gripes.[34] - -_Smith._ Pray how was that, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I contriv'd a petticoat to be brought in upon a chair -(nobody knew how) into a prince's chamber, whose father was not to see -it, that came in by chance. - -_Johns._ By-my-life, that was a notable contrivance indeed. - -_Smith._ Ay, but Mr. Bayes, how could you contrive the stomach-ache? - -_Bayes._ The easiest i' th' world, egad: I'll tell you how. I made the -prince sit down upon the petticoat, no more than so, and pretended to his -father that he had just then got the gripes: whereupon his father went -out to call a physician, and his man ran away with the petticoat. - -_Smith._ Well, and what follow'd upon that? - -_Bayes._ Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad. - -_Johns._ On my word, Mr. Bayes, there you hit it. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it gave a world of content. And then I paid 'em away -besides; for it made them all talk beastly: ha, ha, ha, beastly! -downright beastly upon the stage, egad, ha, ha, ha! but with an infinite -deal of wit, that I must say. - -_Johns._ That, ay, that, we know well enough, can never fail you. - -_Bayes._ No, egad, can't it. Come, bring in the dance. - - [_Exit to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ Now, the plague take thee for a silly, confident, unnatural, -fulsome rogue. - -_Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - -_Bayes._ Pray dance well before these gentlemen; you are commonly so -lazy, but you should be light and easy, tah, tah, tah. - - [_All the while they dance_, BAYES _puts them out - with teaching them._ - -Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am not deceiv'd, take very -well upon the stage, when they are perfect in their motions, and all that. - -_Smith._ I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I am sure you sweat hard -for't. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and trouble to do these things -than almost the things are worth. - -_Smith._ By my troth, I think so, sir. - -_Bayes._ Not for the things themselves; for I could write you, sir, forty -of 'em in a day: but, egad, these players are such dull persons, that if -a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at every turn, egad, they'll -mistake you, sir, and spoil all. - -_Enter a_ PLAYER. - -What, is the funeral ready? - -_Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ And is the lance fill'd with wine? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis just now a-doing. - -_Bayes._ Stay, then, I'll do it myself. - -_Smith._ Come, let's go with him. - -_Bayes._ A match. But, Mr. Johnson, egad, I am not like other persons; -they care not what becomes of their things, so they can but get money -for 'em: now, egad, when I write, if it be not just as it should be in -every circumstance, to every particular, egad, I am no more able to -endure it, I am not myself, I'm out of my wits, and all that; I'm the -strangest person in the whole world: for what care I for money? I write -for reputation. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Gentlemen, because I would not have any two things alike in this -play, the last act beginning with a witty scene of mirth, I make this to -begin with a funeral. - -_Smith._ And is that all your reason for it, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. A person of honour, -and a scholar, brought in his funeral just so;[35] and he was one, let -me tell you, that knew as well what belong'd to a funeral as any man in -England, egad. - -_Johns._ Nay, if that be so, you are safe. - -_Bayes._ Egad, but I have another device, a frolic, which I think yet -better than all this; not for the plot or characters (for, in my heroic -plays, I make no difference as to those matters), but for another -contrivance. - -_Smith._ What is that, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I have design'd a conquest that cannot possibly, egad, be -acted in less than a whole week; and I'll speak a bold word, it shall -drum, trumpet, shout, and battle, egad, with any the most warlike tragedy -we have, either ancient or modern.[36] - -_Johns._ Ay, marry, sir, there you say something. - -_Smith._ And pray, sir, how have you order'd this same frolic of yours? - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, by the rule of romance; for example, they divide -their things into three, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as many tomes -as they please. Now I would very fain know what should hinder me from -doing the same with my things, if I please? - -_Johns._ Nay, if you should not be master of your own works, 'tis very -hard. - -_Bayes._ That is my sense. And then, sir, this contrivance of mine has -something of the reason of a play in it too; for as every one makes you -five acts to one play, what do I, but make five plays to one plot: by -which means the auditors have every day a new thing. - -_Johns._ Most admirably good, i'faith! and must certainly take, because -it is not tedious. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I know that; there's the main point. And then upon -Saturday to make a close of all (for I ever begin upon a Monday), I make -you, sir, a sixth play that sums up the whole matter to 'em, and all -that, for fear they should have forgot it. - -_Johns._ That consideration, Mr. Bayes, indeed I think will be very -necessary. - -_Smith._ And when comes in your share, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ The third week. - -_Johns._ I vow you'll get a world of money. - -_Bayes._ Why, faith, a man must live; and if you don't thus pitch upon -some new device, egad, you'll never do't; for this age (take it o' my -word) is somewhat hard to please. But there is one pretty odd passage in -the last of these plays, which may be executed two several ways, wherein -I'd have your opinion, gentlemen. - -_Johns._ What is't, sir. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I make a male person to be in love with a female. - -_Smith._ Do you mean that, Mr. Bayes, for a new thing? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, as I have order'd it. You shall hear: he having -passionately lov'd her through my five whole plays, finding at last that -she consents to his love, just after that his mother had appear'd to him -like a ghost, he kills himself: that's one way. The other is, that she -coming at last to love him, with as violent a passion as he lov'd her, -she kills herself. Now my question is, which of these two persons should -suffer upon this occasion? - -_Johns._ By my troth, it is a very hard case to decide. - -_Bayes._ The hardest in the world, egad, and has puzzled this pate very -much. What say you, Mr. Smith? - -_Smith._ Why truly, Mr. Bayes, if it might stand with your justice now, -I would spare 'em both. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and I think--ha--why then, I'll make him hinder her from -killing herself. Ay, it shall be so. Come, come, bring in the funeral. - -_Enter a Funeral, with the two_ USURPERS _and Attendants_. - -Lay it down there; no, no, here, sir. So now speak. - - _K. Ush._ Set down the funeral pile, and let our grief - Receive from its embraces some relief. - - _K. Phys._ Was't not unjust to ravish hence her breath, - And in life's stead, to leave us nought but death? - The world discovers now its emptiness, - And by her loss demonstrates we have less. - -_Bayes._ Is not this good language now? is not that elevate? 'tis my -_non ultra_, egad; you must know they were both in love with her. - -_Smith._ With her! with whom? - -_Bayes._ Why, this is Lardella's funeral. - -_Smith._ Lardella! ay, who is she? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a lady that was drown'd at -sea, and had a wave for her winding-sheet.[37] - - _K. Ush._ Lardella, O Lardella, from above - Behold the tragic issues of our love: - Pity us, sinking under grief and pain, - For thy being cast away upon the main. - -_Bayes._ Look you now, you see I told you true. - -_Smith._ Ay, sir, and I thank you for it very kindly. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but you will not have patience; honest Mr.--a--you -will not have patience. - -_Johns._ Pray, Mr. Bayes, who is that Drawcansir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his mistress, snubs up -kings, baffles armies, and does what he will, without regard to numbers, -good manners, or justice.[38] - -_Johns._ A very pretty character! - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, I thought your heroes had ever been men of great -humanity and justice. - -_Bayes._ Yes, they have been so; but for my part, I prefer that one -quality of singly beating of whole armies, above all your moral virtues -put together, egad. You shall see him come in presently. Zookers, why -don't you read the paper? - - [_To the Players._ - - _K. Phys._ O, cry you mercy. [_Goes to take the paper._ - -_Bayes._ Pish! nay you are such a fumbler. Come, I'll read it myself. -[_Takes the paper from off the coffin._ Stay, it's an ill hand, I must -use my spectacles. This now is a copy of verses, which I make Lardella -compose just as she is dying, with design to have it pinn'd upon her -coffin, and so read by one of the usurpers, who is her cousin. - -_Smith._ A very shrewd design that, upon my word, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ And what do you think now, I fancy her to make love like, here, -in this paper? - -_Smith._ Like a woman: what should she make love like? - -_Bayes._ O' my word you are out tho', sir; egad you are. - -_Smith._ What then, like a man? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; like a humble-bee. - -_Smith._ I confess, that I should not have fancy'd. - -_Bayes._ It may be so, sir; but it is tho', in order to the opinion of -some of our ancient philosophers, who held the transmigration of the soul. - -_Smith._ Very fine. - -_Bayes._ I'll read the title: "To my dear Couz, King Physician." - -_Smith._ That's a little too familiar with a king, tho', sir, by your -favour, for a humble-bee. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Smith, in other things, I grant your knowledge may be above -me; but as for poetry, give me leave to say I understand that better: it -has been longer my practice; it has indeed, sir. - - _Smith._ Your servant, sir. - - _Bayes._ Pray mark it. [_Reads._ - - "Since death my earthly part will thus remove, - I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love: - With silent wings I'll follow you, dear couz; - Or else, before you, in the sunbeams, buz. - And when to melancholy groves you come, - An airy ghost, you'll know me by my hum; - For sound, being air, a ghost does well become."[39] - - _Smith_ (after a pause). Admirable! - - _Bayes._ "At night, into your bosom I will creep, - And buz but softly if you chance to sleep: - Yet in your dreams, I will pass sweeping by, - And then both hum and buz before your eye." - -_Johns._ By my troth, that's a very great promise. - -_Smith._ Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to boot. - - _Bayes._ "Your bed of love from dangers I will free; - But most from love of any future bee. - And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack, - With empty arms I'll bear you on my back." - -_Smith._ A pick-a-pack, a pick-a-pack. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but is not that _tuant_ now, ha? is it not _tuant_? -Here's the end. - - "Then at your birth of immortality, - Like any wingéd archer hence I'll fly, - And teach you your first fluttering in the sky." - -_Johns._ Oh, rare! this is the most natural, refined fancy that ever I -heard, I'll swear. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a good way enough of -making love; for, being divested of her terrestrial part, and all that, -she is only capable of these little, pretty, amorous designs that are -innocent, and yet passionate. Come, draw your swords. - - _K. Phys._ Come, sword, come sheath thyself within this breast, - Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest. - - _K. Ush._ Come, dagger, come and penetrate this heart, - Which cannot from Lardella's love depart. - -_Enter_ PALLAS. - - _Pal._ Hold, stop your murd'ring hands - At Pallas's commands: - For the supposéd dead, O kings, - Forbear to act such deadly things. - Lardella lives; I did but try - If princes for their loves could die. - Such celestial constancy - Shall, by the gods, rewarded be: - And from these funeral obsequies, - A nuptial banquet shall arise. - [_The coffin opens, and a banquet is discovered._ - -_Bayes._ So, take away the coffin. Now 'tis out. This is the very funeral -of the fair person which Volscius sent word was dead; and Pallas, you -see, has turned it into a banquet. - -_Smith._ Well, but where is this banquet? - -_Bayes._ Nay, look you, sir; we must first have a dance, for joy that -Lardella is not dead. Pray, sir, give me leave to bring in my things -properly at least. - -_Smith._ That, indeed, I had forgot; I ask your pardon. - -_Bayes._ Oh, d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will confess yourself once in an -error, Mr. Smith. - - [_Dance._] - - _K. Ush._ Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do find - The fiercest beauty, and a fiercer mind: - And since to thee Lardella's life we owe, - We'll supple statues in thy temple grow. - - _K. Phys._ Well, since alive Lardella's found, - Let in full bowls her health go round. - [_The two Usurpers take each of them - a bowl in their hands._ - - _K. Ush._ But where's the wine? - - _Pal._ That shall be mine. - Lo, from this conquering lance - Does flow the purest wine of France: - [_Fills the bowls out of her lance._ - And to appease your hunger, I - Have in my helmet brought a pie: - Lastly, to bear a part with these, - Behold a buckler made of cheese.[40] [_Vanish_ PALLAS. - -_Bayes._ That's the banquet. Are you satisfied now, sir? - -_Johns._ By my troth now, that is new, and more than I expected. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I knew this would please you; for the chief art in poetry -is to elevate your expectation, and then bring you off some extraordinary -way. - -_Enter_ DRAWCANSIR. - -_K. Phys._ What man is this that dares disturb our feast? - - _Draw._ He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die; - And knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.[41] - -_Johns._ That is, Mr. Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would -rather die than not drink, yet he would fain drink for all that too. - -_Bayes._ Right; that's the conceit on't. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. - -_Bayes._ Now, there are some critics that have advis'd me to put out the -second _dare_, and print _must_ in the place on't;[42] but, egad, I think -'tis better thus a great deal. - -_Johns._ Whoo! a thousand times. - -_Bayes._ Go on then. - - _K. Ush._ Sir, if you please, we should be glad to know, - How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go? - -_Bayes._ Is not that now like a well-bred person, egad? so modest, so -gent! - -_Smith._ O very like. - - _Draw._ You shall not know how long I here will stay; - But you shall know I'll take your bowls away.[43] - - [_Snatches the bowls out of the kings' hands and drinks them off._ - - _Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, is that, too, modest and gent? - - _Bayes._ No, egad, sir, but 'tis great. - - _K. Ush._ Tho', brother, this grum stranger be a clown, - He'll leave us sure a little to gulp down. - - _Draw._ Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dare think, - I'll stare away his very power to drink,[44] - - [_The two Kings sneak off the stage with - their attendants._ - - I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare; - And all this I can do because I dare.[45] [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ I suppose, Mr. Bayes, this is the fierce hero you spoke of? - -_Bayes._ Yes; but this is nothing. You shall see him in the last act -win above a dozen battles, one after another, egad, as fast as they can -possibly come upon the stage. - -_Johns._ That will be a fight worth the seeing, indeed. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, why do you make the kings let him use them -so scurvily? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's to raise the character of Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ O' my word, that was well thought on. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, I'll show you a scene indeed; or rather, indeed, the -scene of scenes. 'Tis an heroic scene. - -_Smith._ And pray, what's your design in this scene? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, forc'd conceit, smooth -verse and a rant; in fine, if this scene don't take, egad, I'll write no -more. Come, come in, Mr.--a--nay, come in as many as you can. Gentlemen, -I must desire you to remove a little, for I must fill the stage. - -_Smith._ Why fill the stage? - -_Bayes._ Oh, sir, because your heroic verse never sounds well but when -the stage is full. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - -Nay, hold, hold; pray by your leave a little. Look you, sir, the drift of -this scene is somewhat more than ordinary; for I make 'em both fall out -because they are not in love with the same woman. - -_Smith._ Not in love? You mean, I suppose, because they are in love, Mr. -Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; I say not in love; there's a new conceit for you. Now -speak. - - _Pret._ Since fate, Prince Volscius, now has found the way - For our so long'd-for meeting here this day, - Lend thy attention to my grand concern. - - _Vols._ I gladly would that story from thee learn; - But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline; - Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine. - - _Bayes._ Antithesis! thine and mine. - - _Pret._ Since love itself's the same, why should it be - Diff'ring in you from what it is in me? - - _Bayes._ Reasoning! egad, I love reasoning in verse. - - _Vols._ Love takes, caméleon-like, a various dye - From every plant on which itself doth lie. - - _Bayes._ Simile! - - _Pret._ Let not thy love the course of nature fright: - Nature does most in harmony delight. - - _Vols._ How weak a deity would nature prove, - Contending with the powerful god of love! - - _Bayes._ There's a great verse! - - _Vols._ If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine - Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine. - Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale; - And her bright flames make all flames else look pale. - - _Bayes._ Egad, that is right. - - _Pret._ Perhaps dull incense may thy love suffice; - But mine must be ador'd with sacrifice. - All hearts turn ashes, which her eyes control: - The body they consume, as well as soul. - - _Vols._ My love has yet a power more divine; - Victims her altars burn not, but refine; - Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, - But, with her looks, revive still as they roast. - In spite of pain and death they're kept alive; - Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive. - - _Bayes._ That is as well, egad, as I can do. - - _Vols._ Let my Parthenope at length prevail. - - _Bayes._ Civil, egad. - - _Pret._ I'll sooner have a passion for a whale; - In whose vast bulk, tho' store of oil doth lie, - We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. - -_Smith._ That's uncivil, egad. - -_Bayes._ Yes; but as far-fetched a fancy, tho', egad, as e'er you saw. - - _Vols._ Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pretence - Of perfect love defame love's excellence: - Parthenope is, sure, as far above - All other loves, as above all is Love. - - _Bayes._ Ah! egad, that strikes me. - - _Pret._ To blame my Cloris, gods would not pretend-- - - _Bayes._ Now mark-- - - _Vols._ Were all gods join'd, they could not hope to mend - My better choice: for fair Parthenope - Gods would themselves un-god themselves to see.[46] - - _Bayes._ Now the rant's a-coming. - - _Pret._ Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, - I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil.[47] - - _Bayes._ Ay, gadzookers, that's well writ! - [_Scratching his head, his peruke falls off._ - - _Vols._ Could'st thou that god from heaven to earth translate, - He could not fear to want a heav'nly state; - Parthenope, on earth, can heav'n create. - - _Pret._ Cloris does heav'n itself so far excel, - She can transcend the joys of heav'n in hell. - -_Bayes._ There's a bold flight for you now! 'sdeath, I have lost my -peruke. Well, gentlemen, this is what I never yet saw any one could -write, but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all through, egad. So, -so, pray clear the stage. - - [_He puts 'em off the stage._ - -_Johns._ I wonder how the coxcomb has got the knack of writing smooth -verse thus. - -_Smith._ Why, there's no need of brain for this: 'tis but scanning the -labours on the finger; but where's the sense of it? - -_Johns._ Oh! for that he desires to be excus'd: he is too proud a man to -creep servilely after sense, I assure you.[48] But pray, Mr. Bayes, why -is this scene all in verse? _Bayes._ Oh, sir, the subject is too great -for prose. - -_Smith._ Well said, i'faith; I'll give thee a pot of ale for that answer; -'tis well worth it. - - _Bayes._ Come, with all my heart. - I'll make that god subscribe himself a devil; - That single line, egad, is worth all that my brother poets ever writ. - Let down the curtain. [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT. V.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll show you the -greatest scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, for those I -don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. In fine, I'll justify -it to be as grand to the eye every whit, egad, as that great scene in -"Harry the Eighth," and grander too, egad; for instead of two bishops, I -bring in here four cardinals. - - [_The curtain is drawn up_, _the two usurping Kings appear in - state with the four Cardinals,_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN, PRINCE VOLSCIUS, - AMARYLLIS, CLORIS, PARTHENOPE. _&c._, _before them_, _Heralds and - Sergeants-at-arms_, _with maces_. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the cardinals are -in hats, and the other in caps? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, because---- By gad I won't tell you. Your country -friend, sir, grows so troublesome-- - -_K. Ush._ Now, sir, to the business of the day. - -_K. Phys._ Speak, Volscius. - -_Vols._ Dread sovereign lords, my zeal to you must not invade my duty -to your son; let me entreat that great Prince Prettyman first to speak; -whose high pre-eminence in all things, that do bear the name of good, may -justly claim that privilege. - -_Bayes._ Here it begins to unfold; you may perceive, now, that he is his -son. - -_Johns._ Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to you for that -discovery. - - _Pret._ Royal father, upon my knees I beg, - That the illustrious Volscius first be heard. - -_Vols._ That preference is only due to Amaryllis, sir. - -_Bayes._ I'll make her speak very well, by-and-by, you shall see. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns---- [_Soft music._ - - _K. Ush._ But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?[49] - - _K. Phys._ Sure 'tis the music of the moving spheres. - - _Pret._ Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far - A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car; - In which our two right kings sit one by one, - With virgins' vests, and laurel garlands on. - - _K. Ush._ Then, brother Phys., 'tis time we should be gone. - [_The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, and go away._ - -_Bayes._ Look you now, did not I tell you, that this would be as easy a -change as the other? - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, you did so; tho' I confess I could not believe you: -but you have brought it about, I see. - - [_The two right kings of Brentford descend in the clouds, singing, - in white garments; and three fiddlers sitting before them, in - green._ - - _Bayes._ Now, because the two right kings descend from above, - I make 'em sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits. - - _1st King._ Haste, brother king, we are sent from above. - - _2nd King._ Let us move, let us move; - Move to remove the fate - Of Brentford's long united state.[50] - - _1st King._ Tarra, ran, tarra, full east and by south. - - _2nd King._ We sail with thunder in our mouth, - In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays; - Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, - Mounted upon warm Phoebus's rays, - Through the heavenly throng, - Hasting to those - Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty-toes. - - _1st King._ And we'll fall with our plate - In an _ollio_ of hate. - - _2nd King._ But now supper's done, the servitors try, - Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pie. - - _1st King._ They gather, they gather hot custards in spoons: - But alas, I must leave these half-moons, - And repair to my trusty dragoons. - - _2nd King._ Oh, stay, for you need not as yet go astray: - The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our way, - And on their high ropes we will play - Like maggots in filberts we'll snug in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - And farewell. - - _1st King._ But the ladies have all inclination to dance, - And the green frogs croak out a coranto of France. - -_Bayes._ Is not that pretty, now? The fiddlers are all in green. - -_Smith._ Ay, but they play no coranto. - -_Johns._ No, but they play a tune that's a great deal better. - -_Bayes._ No coranto, quoth-a! that's a good one, with all my heart. Come, -sing on. - - _2nd King._ Now mortals that hear - How we tilt and career, - With wonder will fear - The event of such things as shall never appear. - - _1st King._ Stay you to fulfil what the gods have decreed. - - _2nd King._ Then call me to help you, if there shall be need. - - _1st King._ So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford king, - To save the distress'd, and help to 'em to bring, - That ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, - He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla. - [BAYES _fillips his finger, and sings after them._ - -_Bayes._ "He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla." This, sir, you -must know, I thought once to have brought in with a conjuror.[51] - -_Johns._ Ay, that would have been better. - -_Bayes._ No, faith, not when you consider it; for thus it is more -compendious, and does the thing every whit as well. - -_Smith._ Thing! what thing? - -_Bayes._ Why, bring 'em down again into the throne, sir. What thing would -you have? - -_Smith._ Well, but methinks the sense of this song is not very plain! - -_Bayes._ Plain! why, did you ever hear any people in clouds speak plain? -They must be all for flight of fancy at its full range, without the least -check or control upon it. When once you tie up spirits and people in -clouds, to speak plain, you spoil all. - -_Smith._ Bless me, what a monster's this! - - [_The two Kings light out of the clouds, and - step into the throne._ - -_1st King._ Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance. - -_2nd King._ I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. - -_Bayes._ Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But first, let's -have a dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do it always just so: for -it must be done as if it were the effect of thought and premeditation. -But first, let's have a dance; pray remember that. - -_Smith._ Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue, there's no -enduring of him. - -_Johns._ No, prithee make use of thy patience a little longer, let's see -the end of him now. [_Dance a grand dance._ - -_Bayes._ This, now, is an ancient dance, of right belonging to the Kings -of Brentford; but since derived, with a little alteration, to the Inns of -Court. - -_An Alarm. Enter two Heralds._ - - _1st King._ What saucy groom molests our privacies? - - _1st Her._ The army's at the door, and in disguise, - Desires a word with both your majesties. - - -_2nd King._ Bid 'em attend awhile, and drink our health. - -_Smith._ How, Mr. Bayes, the army in disguise! - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them, that went -out but just now. - -_Smith._ Why, what if they had discover'd them? - -_Bayes._ Why, then they had broke the design. - -_1st King._ Here take five guineas for those warlike men. - -_2nd King._ And here's five more, that makes the sum just ten. - - _1st Her._ We have not seen so much, the Lord knows when. - - [_Exeunt Heralds._ - - _1st King._ Speak on, brave Amaryllis. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns, blame not my modesty, if at this - grand conjuncture---- [_Drum beats behind the stage._ - -_1st King._ What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes? - -_Enter a Soldier with his sword drawn._ - - _Sold._ Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons save, - For the event of war no mortal knows:[52] - The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, - First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ Is not that now a pretty kind of a stanza, and a handsome -come-off? - - _2nd King._ O dangerous estate of sovereign power! - Obnoxious to the change of every hour. - - _1st King._ Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; - Perhaps these threatning storms may pass away. [_Exeunt._ - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us just now, to make -Amaryllis speak very well? - -_Bayes._ Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her. - -_Smith._ How, sir, whether you would or no? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that I vow to gad, it was not to be -avoided. - -_Smith._ Marry, that was hard. - -_Johns._ But, pray, who hinder'd her? - -_Bayes._ Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming in at the door: and -I'll tell you now a strange thing; tho' I don't pretend to do more than -other men, egad, I'll give you both a whole week to guess how I'll -represent this battle. - -_Smith._ I had rather be bound to fight your battle, I assure you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Whoo! there's it now: fight a battle! there's the common error. -I knew presently where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but tell -me this one thing: can you think it a decent thing, in a battle before -ladies, to have men run their swords thro' one another, and all that? - -_Johns._ No, faith, 'tis not civil. - -_Bayes._ Right; on the other side, to have a long relation of squadrons -here, and squadrons there: what is it, but dull prolixity? - -_Johns._ Excellently reason'd, by my troth! - -_Bayes._ Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those indecorums, I sum up the -whole battle in the representation of two persons only, no more: and yet -so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear ten thousand men were at -it really engag'd. Do you mark me? - -_Smith._ Yes, sir: but I think I should hardly swear tho', for all that. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, but you would tho', when you see it: for -I make 'em both come out in armour _cap-a-pie_, with their swords -drawn, and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrist; which, you know, -represents fighting enough. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; so much, that if I were in your place, I would make 'em -go out again, without ever speaking one word. - -_Bayes._ No, there you are out; for I make each of 'em hold a lute in his -hand. - -_Smith._ How, sir, instead of a buckler? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! instead of a buckler? pray, sir, do you ask -no more questions. I make 'em, sirs, play the battle _in recitativo_. -And here's the conceit just at the very same instant that one sings, -the other, sir, recovers you his sword, and puts himself into a warlike -posture: so that you have at once your ear entertain'd with music and -good language, and your eye satisfied with the garb and accoutrements of -war. - -_Smith._ I confess, sir, you stupefy me. - -_Bayes._ You shall see. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting? for I love -those plays where they cut and slash one another upon the stage for a -whole hour together. - -_Bayes._ Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both ways: but -you shall have my _recitativo_ first. - -_Johns._ Ay, now you are right: there is nothing that can be objected -against it. - -_Bayes._ True: and so, egad, I'll make it too a tragedy in a trice.[53] - -_Enter at several doors the_ GENERAL _and_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL, _arm'd -cap-a-pie_, _with each of them a lute in his hand_, _and a sword drawn_, -_and hung with a scarlet ribbon at his wrist_.[54] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Villain, thou liest! - - _Gen._ Arm, arm, Gonsalvo,[55] arm, what, ho! - The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Advance from Acton with the musqueteers. - - _Gen._ Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers.[56] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The band you boast of Chelsea cuirassiers, - Shall, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers.[57] - - _Gen._ Chiswickians, aged and renown'd in fight, - Join with the Hammersmith brigade. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ You'll find my Mortlake boys will do them right, - Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. - - _Gen._ Let the left wing of Twick'nam foot advance, - And line that eastern hedge. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The horse I rais'd in Petty-France - Shall try their chance, - And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge. - - _Gen._ Stand: give the word. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Bright sword. - - _Gen._ That may be thine. - But 'tis not mine. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Give fire, give fire, at once give fire, - And let those recreant troops perceive mine ire.[58] - - _Gen._ Pursue, pursue; they fly - That first did give the lie. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ This now is not improper, I think; because the spectators know -all these towns, and may easily conceive them to be within the dominions -of the two Kings of Brentford. - -_Johns._ Most exceeding well design'd! - -_Bayes._ How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to this battle? - -_Smith._ How? - -_Bayes._ By an eclipse; which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancy that -was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself, and one person more, -that shall be nameless. - -_Enter_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ What midnight darkness does invade the day, - And snatch the victor from his conquer'd prey? - Is the sun weary of this bloody fight, - And winks upon us with the eye of light! - 'Tis an eclipse! this was unkind, O moon, - To clap between me and the sun so soon. - Foolish eclipse! thou this in vain hast done; - My brighter honour had eclips'd the sun: - But now behold eclipses two in one. [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ This is an admirable representation of a battle as ever I saw. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; but how would you fancy now to represent an eclipse? - -_Smith._ Why, that's to be suppos'd. - -_Bayes._ Suppos'd! ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, ha! why, you -may as well suppose the whole play. No, it must come in upon the stage, -that's certain; but in some odd way, that may delight, amuse, and all -that. I have a conceit for't, that I am sure is new, and I believe to the -purpose. - -_Johns._ How's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a -dialogue between Phoebus and Aurora, in the "Slighted Maid," which, by -my troth, was very pretty; but I think you'd confess this is a little -better. - -_Johns._ No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes, a great deal better. - - [BAYES _hugs_ JOHNSON, _then turns to_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Ah, dear rogue! But--a--sir, you have heard, I suppose, that -your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition of the -earth between the sun and moon; as likewise your eclipse of the sun is -caus'd by an interlocation of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun. - -_Smith._ I have heard some such thing indeed. - -_Bayes._ Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and moon come -out upon the stage, and dance the hey. Hum! and of necessity, by the very -nature of this dance, the earth must be sometimes between the sun and the -moon, and the moon between the earth and sun: and there you have both -eclipses by demonstration. - -_Johns._ That must needs be very fine, truly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, that there may be -something in't, too, of a joke, I bring 'em in all singing; and make the -moon sell the earth a bargain. Come, come out, eclipse, to the tune of -"Tom Tyler." - -_Enter_ LUNA. - - _Luna._ Orbis, O Orbis! - Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis. - -_Enter the_ EARTH. - - _Orb._ Who calls Terra-firma, pray?[59] - - _Luna._ Luna, that ne'er shines by day. - - _Orb._ What means Luna in a veil? - - _Luna._ Luna means to show her tail. - - _Bayes._ There's the bargain. - -_Enter_ SOL, _to the tune of_ "Robin Hood." - - _Sol._ Fie, sister, fie; thou makest me muse, - Derry down, derry down, - To see thee Orb abuse. - - _Luna._ I hope his anger 'twill not move; - Since I show'd it out of love. - Hey down, derry down. - - _Orb._ Where shall I thy true love know, - Thou pretty, pretty moon? - - _Luna._ To-morrow soon, ere it be noon, - On Mount Vesuvio.[60] - - _Sol._ Then I will shine [_To the tune of_ "Trenchmore." _Bis._ - - _Orb._ And I will be fine. - - _Luna._ And I will drink nothing but Lippara wine.[61] - - _Omnes._ And we, &c. [_As they dance the hey_, BAYES _speaks_. - -_Bayes._ Now the earth's before the moon: now the moon's before the sun: -there's the eclipse again. - -_Smith._ He's mightily taken with this, I see. - -_Johns._ Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he choose? - -_Bayes._ So, now, vanish eclipse, and enter t'other battle, and fight. -Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting enough. - -[_A battle is fought between foot and great hobby-horses. At last_, -DRAWCANSIR _comes in and kills them all on both sides. All the while the -battle is fighting_, BAYES _is telling them when to shout_, _and shouts -with 'em_. - - _Draw._ Others may boast a single man to kill; - But I the blood of thousands daily spill. - Let petty kings the names of parties know: - Where'er I come, I slay both friend and foe. - The swiftest horse-men my swift rage controls, - And from their bodies drives their trembling souls. - If they had wings, and to the gods could fly, - I would pursue and beat 'em through the sky; - And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see - This single arm more dreadful is than he. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs. You may talk of -your Hectors, and Achilles's, and I know not who; but I defy all your -histories, and your romances too, to show me one such conqueror, as this -Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ I swear, I think you may. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? for I see -none alive to help 'em. - -_Bayes._ Go off! why, as they came on, upon their legs: how should they -go off? Why, do you think the people here don't know they are not dead? -he is mighty ignorant, poor man: your friend here is very silly, Mr. -Johnson; egad, he is. Ha, ha, ha! Come, sir, I'll show you how they shall -go off. Rise, rise, sirs, and go about your business.[62] There's go off -for you now; ha, ha, ha! Mr. Ivory, a word. Gentlemen, I'll be with you -presently. - - [_Exit._ - - _Johns._ Will you so? Then we'll be gone. - - _Smith._ Ay, prithee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing. - One battle more will take mine quite away. [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - - _Bayes._ Where are the gentlemen? - - _1st Play._ They are gone, sir. - - _Bayes._ Gone! 'sdeath, this act is best of all. I'll go fetch - 'em again. [_Exit._ - - _1st Play._ What shall we do, now he is gone away? - - _2nd Play._ Why, so much the better; then let's go to dinner. - - _3rd Play._ Stay, here's a foul piece of paper. Let's see what - 'tis. - - _3rd or 4th Play._ Ay, ay, come, let's hear it. - [_Reads. The argument of the fifth act._ - -_3rd Play._ "Cloris, at length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's -passion, consents to marry him; but just as they are going to church, -Prince Prettyman meeting, by chance, with old Joan, the chandler's widow, -and remembering it was she that first brought him acquainted with Cloris; -out of a high point of honour, breaks off his match with Cloris, and -marries old Joan. Upon which, Cloris, in despair, drowns herself; and -Prince Prettyman, discontentedly, walks by the river-side."----This will -never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone. - -_Most of the Players._ Ay, plague on't, let's go away. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ A plague on 'em both for me! they have made me sweat, to run -after 'em. A couple of senseless rascals, that had rather go to dinner, -than see this play out, with a plague to 'em. What comfort has a man to -write for such dull rogues! Come, Mr.--a--where are you, sir? Come away, -quick, quick. - -_Enter_ STAGE-KEEPER. - -_Stage-keep._ Sir: they are gone to dinner. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I know the gentlemen are gone; but I ask for the players. - -_Stage-keep._ Why, an't please your worship, sir, the players are gone to -dinner too. - -_Bayes._ How! are the players gone to dinner? 'tis impossible: the -players gone to dinner! egad, if they are, I'll make 'em know what it is -to injure a person that does them the honour to write for 'em, and all -that. A company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross-grain'd persons, -and all that. Egad, I'll make 'em the most contemptible, despicable, -inconsiderable persons, and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. -Egad, I'll be revenged on 'em; I'll sell this play to the other house. - -_Stage-keep._ Nay, good sir, don't take away the book; you'll disappoint -the company that comes to see it acted here this afternoon. - -_Bayes._ That's all one, I must reserve this comfort to myself, my play -and I shall go together; we will not part, indeed, sir. - -_Stage-keep._ But what will the town say, sir? - -_Bayes._ The town! why, what care I for the town? Egad, the town has us'd -me as scurvily as the players have done: but I'll be reveng'd on them -too; for I'll lampoon 'em all. And since they will not admit of my plays, -they shall know what a satirist I am. And so farewell to this stage, -egad, for ever. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - -_Enter_ PLAYERS. - -_1st Play._ Come, then, let's set up bills for another play. - -_2nd Play._ Ay, ay; we shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you. - -_1st Play._ I am of your opinion. But before we go, let's see Haynes and -Shirley practise the last dance; for that may serve us another time. - -_2nd Play._ I'll call 'em in: I think they are but in the tyring-room. - - [_The dance done._] - -_1st Play._ Come, come; let's go away to dinner. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUE. - - The play is at an end, but where's the plot? - That circumstance our poet Bayes forgot. - And we can boast, tho' 'tis a plotting age, - No place is freer from it than the stage. - The ancients plotted, tho', and strove to please - With sense that might be understood with ease; - They every scene with so much wit did store, - That who brought any in, went out with more. - But this new way of wit does so surprise, - Men lose their wits in wond'ring where it lies. - If it be true, that monstrous births presage - The following mischiefs that afflict the age, - And sad disasters to the state proclaim; - Plays without head or tail may do the same. - Wherefore for ours, and for the kingdom's peace, - May this prodigious way of writing cease. - Let's have at least, once in our lives, a time - When we may hear some reason, not all rhyme. - We have this ten years felt its influence; - Pray let this prove a year of prose and sense. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: The usual language of the Honourable Edward Howard, Esq., at -the rehearsal of his plays.] - -[Footnote 2: - - He who writ this, not without pain and thought, - From French and English theatres has brought - Th' exactest rules, by which a play is wrought. - The unity of action, place, and time; - The scenes unbroken; and a mingled chime, - Of Johnson's humour, with Corneille's rhyme. - _Prologue to the Maiden Queen._ -] - -[Footnote 3: See the two prologues to the "Maiden Queen."] - -[Footnote 4: There were printed papers given the audience before the -acting the "Indian Emperor;" telling them that it was the sequel of the -"Indian Queen," part of which play was written by Mr. Bayes, &c.] - -[Footnote 5: "Persons, egad, I vow to Gad, and all that," is the constant -style of Failer in the "Wild Gallant:" for which, take this short speech, -instead of many: - -"_Failer._ Really, madam, I look upon you, as a person of such worth, and -all that, that I vow to Gad, I honour you of all persons in the world; -and tho' I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, -madam, yet for a person of your worth and excellency I would," &c.--"Wild -Gallant," p. 8.] - -[Footnote 6: He contracted with the King's company of actors, in the year -1668, for a whole share, to write them four plays a year.] - -[Footnote 7: In ridicule of this: - - "So two kind turtles, when a storm is nigh, - Look up, and see it gathering in the sky; - Each calls his mate to shelter in the groves, - Leaving, in murmurs, their unfinish'd loves; - Perch'd on some dropping branch, they sit alone, - And coo, and hearken to each other's moan." - "Conquest of Granada," Part ii. p. 48. -] - -[Footnote 8: "I am the evening dark as night."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 9: - - "Let the men 'ware the ditches. - Maids look to their breeches, - We'll scratch them with briars and thistles."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49. -] - -[Footnote 10: Abraham Ivory had formerly been a considerable actor of -women's parts; but afterwards stupefied himself so far, with drinking -strong waters, that, before the first acting of this farce, he was fit -for nothing but to go of errands; for which, and mere charity, the -company allowed him a weekly salary.] - -[Footnote 11: - - _Drake, Sen._ "Draw up our men; - And in low whispers give our orders out." - "Play House to be Let," p. 100. - -See the "Amorous Prince," pp. 20, 22, 39, 69, where all the chief -commands, and directions, are given in whispers.] - -[Footnote 12: Mr. William Wintershull was a most excellent, judicious -actor; and the best instructor of others; he died in July, 1679.] - -[Footnote 13: He was a great taker of snuff; and made most of it himself.] - -[Footnote 14: "The Lost Lady," by Sir Robert Stapleton.] - -[Footnote 15: Compare this with Prince Leonidas in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 16: In imitation of this passage:-- - - "As some fair tulip, by a storm opprest, - Shrinks up, and folds its silken arms to rest; - And, bending to the blast, all pale, and dead, - Hears from within the wind sing round its head: - So shrouded up your beauty disappears; - Unveil, my love, and lay aside your fears: - The storm, that caus'd your fright, is past and gone." - -"Conquest of Granada," Part i. p. 55.] - -[Footnote 17: Such easy turns of state are frequent in our modern plays; -where we see princes dethroned, and governments changed, by very feeble -means, and on slight occasions: particularly in "Marriage A-la-mode;" -a play writ since the first publication of this farce. Where (to pass -by the dulness of the state-part, the obscurity of the comic, the near -resemblance Leonidas bears to our Prince Prettyman, being sometimes a -king's son, sometimes a shepherd's; and not to question how Amalthea -comes to be a princess, her brother, the king's great favourite, being -but a lord) it is worth our while to observe, how easily the fierce and -jealous usurper is deposed, and the right heir placed on the throne; and -it is thus related by the said imaginary princess:-- - - "_Amalth._ Oh, gentlemen! if you have loyalty, - Or courage, show it now. Leonidas, - Broke on a sudden from his guards, and snatching - A sword from one, his back against the scaffold, - Bravely defends himself; and owns aloud - He is our long lost king, found for this moment; - But, if your valours help not, lost for ever. - Two of his guards mov'd by the sense of virtue, - Are turn'd for him; and there they stand at bay, - Against a host of foes."--"Marriage A-la-mode," p. 61. - -This shows Mr. Bayes to be a man of constancy, and firm to his -resolution, and not to be laughed out of his own method; agreeable to -what he says in the next act: "As long as I know my things are good, what -care I what they say?"] - -[Footnote 18: - - "I know not what to say, or what to think! - I know not when I sleep, or when I wake!"-- - "Love and Friendship," p. 46. - - "My doubts and fears my reason do dismay: - I know not what to do, or what to say."--"Pandora," p. 46. -] - -[Footnote 19: Prince Prettyman and Tom Thimble; Failer, and Bibber his -tailor, in the "Wild Gallant," pp. 5, 6.] - -[Footnote 20: "Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste. The courtiers -are not so forward to pay their debts."--"Wild Gallant," p. 9.] - -[Footnote 21: - - "Take a little Bibber, - And throw him in the river; - And if he will trust never, - Then there let him lie ever. - - _Bibber._ Then say I, - Take a little Failer, - And throw him to the jailer, - And there let him lie - Till he has paid his tailor."--"Wild Gallant," p. 12. -] - -[Footnote 22: A great word with Mr. Edward Howard.] - -[Footnote 23: In imitation of this:-- - - "On seas, and in battles, through bullets and fire, - The danger is less, than in hopeless desire; - My death's wound you gave me, tho' far off I bear - My fall from your sight, not to cost you a tear: - But if the kind flood on a wave would convey, - And under your window my body would lay; - When the wound on my breast you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, it was given by me." - -This is the latter part of a song, made by Mr. Bayes on the death of -Captain Digby, son of George, Earl of Bristol, who was a passionate -admirer of the Duchess Dowager of Richmond, called by the author Armida. -He lost his life in a sea-fight against the Dutch, the 28th of May, 1672.] - -[Footnote 24: Mr. Edward Howard's words.] - -[Footnote 25: See the two kings in "The Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 26: "_Albert._ Curtius. I've something to deliver to your ear. - -_Cur._ Anything from Alberto is welcome."--"Amorous Prince," p. 39.] - -[Footnote 27: See the Prince in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 28: "Let my horses be brought ready to the door, for I'll go -out of town this evening. - - Into the country I'll with speed, - With hounds and hawks my fancy feed, &c. - Now I'll away, a country life - Shall be my mistress, and my wife." - - "English Monsieur," pp. 36, 38, 39. -] - -[Footnote 29: "And what's this maid's name?"--"English Monsieur," p. 40.] - -[Footnote 30: "I bring the morning pictur'd in a cloud."--"Siege of -Rhodes," part i. p. 10.] - -[Footnote 31: "Mr. Comely in love."--"English Monsieur," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 32: Sir William D'Avenant's play of "Love and Honour."] - -[Footnote 33: "But honours says not so."--"Siege of Rhodes," part i. p. -19.] - -[Footnote 34: "Love in a Nunnery," p. 34.] - -[Footnote 35: Col. Henry Howard, son of Thomas, Earl of Berkshire, made -a play called the "United Kingdoms," which began with a funeral; and -had also two kings in it. This gave the duke a just occasion to set up -two kings in Brentford, as it is generally believed; tho' others are of -opinion, that his grace had our two brothers, King Charles and the Duke -of York, in his thoughts. It was acted at the Cockpit, in Drury Lane, -soon after the Restoration; but miscarrying on the stage, the author had -the modesty not to print it; and therefore, the reader cannot reasonably -expect any particular passages of it. Others say, that they are Boabdelin -and Abdalla, the two contending kings of Granada; and Mr. Dryden has, in -most of his serious plays, two contending kings of the same place.] - -[Footnote 36: "Conquest of Granada," in two parts.] - -[Footnote 37: - - "On seas I bore thee, and on seas I died, - I died: and for a winding-sheet, a wave - I had; and all the ocean for my grave." - - "Conquest of Granada," part ii. p. 113. -] - -[Footnote 38: Almanzor in the "Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 39: In ridicule of this:-- - - "My earthly part, - Which is my tyrant's right, death will remove; - I'll come all soul and spirit to your love. - With silent steps I'll follow you all day; - Or else before you in the sunbeams play. - I'll lead you hence to melancholy groves, - And there repeat the scenes of our past loves; - At night, I will within your curtains peep, - With empty arms embrace you, while you sleep. - In gentle dreams I often will be by, - And sweep along before your closing eye. - All dangers from your bed I will remove; - But guard it most from any future love. - And when at last in pity you will die, - I'll watch your birth of immortality: - Then, turtle like, I'll to my mate repair, - And teach you your first flight in open air."--"Tyrannic Love," p. 25. -] - -[Footnote 40: See the scene in the "Villain." Where the host furnishes -his guests with a collation out of his clothes; a capon from his helmet, -a tansey out of the lining of his cap, cream out of his scabbard, &c.] - -[Footnote 41: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Almah._ Who dares to interrupt my private walk? - - _Alman._ He who dares love, and for that love must die; - And, knowing this, dares yet love on, am I." - - "Granada," part ii. pp. 114, 115. -] - -[Footnote 42: It was at first, "dares die."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 43: - - "_Alman._ I would not now, if thou wouldst beg me, stay; - But I will take my Almahide away."--"Conquest of Granada," p. 32. -] - -[Footnote 44: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Alman._ Thou dar'st not marry her, while I'm in sight; - With a bent brow, thy priest and thee I'll fright: - And, in that scene, which all thy hopes and wishes should content, - The thoughts of me shall make thee impotent."--_Ibid._ p. 5. -] - -[Footnote 45: - - "Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair; - And all this I can do, because I dare."--"Tyrannic Love," part ii. - p. 89. -] - -[Footnote 46: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Max._ Thou liest. There's not a god inhabits there, - But, for this Christian, would all heaven forswear: - Even Jove would try new shapes her love to win, - And in new birds, and unknown beasts would sin; - At least, if Jove could love like Maximin."-- - -"Tyrannic Love," p. 17.] - -[Footnote 47: - - "Some god now, if he dare relate what pass'd; - Say, but he's dead, that god shall mortal be."--_Ibid._ p. 7. - - "Provoke my rage no farther, lest I be - Reveng'd at once upon the gods, and thee."--_Ibid._ p. 8. - - "What had the gods to do with me, or mine."--_Ibid._ p. 57. -] - -[Footnote 48: - - "Poets, like lovers, should be bold, and dare; - They spoil their business with an over-care: - And he, who servilely creeps after sense, - Is safe; but ne'er can reach to excellence."-- - - "Prologue to Tyrannic Love." -] - -[Footnote 49: - - "What various noises do my ears invade; - And have a concert of confusion made?"--"Siege of Rhodes," p. 4. -] - -[Footnote 50: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Naker._ Hark, my Damilcar, we are call'd below. - - _Dam._ Let us go, let us go: - Go to relieve the care, - Of longing lovers in despair. - - _Naker._ Merry, merry, merry, we sail from the east, - Half tippled at a rainbow feast. - - _Dam._ In the bright moonshine, while winds whistle loud, - Tivy, tivy, tivy, we mount and we fly, - All racking along in a downy white cloud; - And lest our leap from the sky should prove too far, - We slide on the back of a new-falling star. - - _Naker._ And drop from above, - In a jelly of love. - - _Dam._ But now the sun's down, and the element's red, - The spirits of fire against us make head. - - _Naker._ They muster, they muster, like gnats in the air: - Alas! I must leave thee, my fair; - And to my light-horsemen repair. - - _Dam._ O stay! for you need not to fear 'em to-night; - The wind is for us, and blows full in their sight: - And o'er the wide ocean we fight. - Like leaves in the autumn, our foes will fall down, - And hiss in the water.... - - _Both._ And hiss in the water, and drown. - - _Naker._ But their men lie securely intrench'd in a cloud, - And a trumpeter-hornet to battle sounds loud. - - _Dam._ Now mortals that spy - How we tilt in the sky, - With wonder will gaze; - And fear such events as will ne'er come to pass. - - _Naker._ Stay you to perform what the man will have done. - - _Dam._ Then call me again when the battle is won. - - _Both._ So ready and quick is a spirit of air, - To pity the lover, and succour the fair, - That silent and swift, that little soft god, - Is here with a wish, and is gone with a nod."-- - - "Tyrannic Love," pp. 24, 25. -] - -[Footnote 51: See "Tyrannic Love," act iv. sc. 1.] - -[Footnote 52: In ridicule of this:-- - - "What new misfortunes do these cries presage? - - _1st Mess._ Haste all you can, their fury to assuage: - You are not safe from their rebellious rage. - - _2nd Mess._ This minute, if you grant not their desire, - They'll seize your person, and your palace fire."-- - "Granada," part ii. p. 71. -] - -[Footnote 53: "Aglaura," and the "Vestal Virgin," are so contrived by a -little alteration towards the latter end of them, that they have been -acted both ways, either as tragedies or comedies.] - -[Footnote 54: There needs nothing more to explain the meaning of this -battle, than the perusal of the first part of the "Siege of Rhodes," -which was performed in recitative music, by seven persons only: and the -passage out of the "Playhouse to be Let."] - -[Footnote 55: The "Siege of Rhodes" begins thus:-- - - "_Admiral._ Arm, arm, Valerius, arm." -] - -[Footnote 56: The third entry thus:-- - - "_Solym._ Pyrrhus, draw down our army wide; - Then, from the gross, two strong reserves divide, - And spread the wings, - As if we were to fight, - In the lost Rhodians' sight, - With all the western kings. - Each with Janizaries line; - The right and left to Haly's sons assign; - The gross, to Zangiban; - The main artillery - To Mustapha shall be: - Bring thou the rear, we lead the van." -] - -[Footnote 57: - - "More pikes! more pikes! to reinforce - That squadron, and repulse the horse."--"Playhouse to be Let," p. 72. -] - -[Footnote 58: - - "Point all the cannon, and play fast; - Their fury is too hot to last. - That rampire shakes; they fly into the town. - - _Pyr._ March up with those reserves to that redoubt; - Faint slaves, the Janizaries reel! - They bend! they bend! and seem to feel - The terrors of a rout. - - _Must._ Old Zanger halts, and reinforcement lacks. - - _Pyr._ March on! - - _Must._ Advance those pikes, and charge their backs."--"Siege of - Rhodes." -] - -[Footnote 59: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Phoeb._ Who calls the world's great light! - - _Aur._ Aurora, that abhors the night. - - _Phoeb._ Why does Aurora, from her cloud, - To drowsy Phoebus cry so loud?"-- - "Slighted Maid," p. 8. -] - -[Footnote 60: "The burning mount Vesuvio."--"Slighted Maid," p. 81.] - -[Footnote 61: "Drink, drink wine, Lippara wine."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 62: Valeria, daughter to Maximin, having killed herself for -the love of Porphyrius; when she was to be carried off by the bearers, -strikes one of them a box on the ear, and speaks to him thus:-- - - "Hold, are you mad, confounded dog? - I am to rise, and speak the epilogue."--"Tyrannic Love." -] - - - - -THE SPLENDID SHILLING. - - "Sing, heavenly Muse, - Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme, - A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire." - - - Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, - In silken, or in leathern purse retains - A Splendid Shilling. He nor hears with pain - New oysters cry'd, nor sighs for cheerful ale; - But with his friends when nightly mists arise, - To Juniper's Magpye, or Town Hall[63] repairs: - Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye - Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames, - Cloe, or Philips, he each circling glass - Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love. - Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale, - Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint. - But I, whom griping penury surrounds, - And hunger, sure attendant upon want, - With scanty offals, and small acid tiff, - Wretched repast! my meagre corps sustain: - Then solitary walk, or doze at home - In garret vile, and with a warming puff - Regale chill'd fingers; or from tube as black - As winter-chimney, or well polish'd jet, - Exhale Mundungus, ill perfuming scent: - Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size - Smokes Cambro-Briton, vers'd in pedigree, - Sprung from Cadwalador and Arthur, kings - Full famous in romantic tale, when he - O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff, - Upon a cargo of fam'd Cestrian cheese, - High over-shadowing rides, with a design - To vend his wares, or at th' Arvonian mart, - Or Maridunum, or the ancient town - Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream - Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil! - Whence flows nectareous wine, that well may vie - With Massic, Setin, or renown'd Falern. - Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow - With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun, - Horrible monster! hated by gods and men, - To my aërial citadel ascends. - With vocal heel, thrice thund'ring at my gate, - With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know - The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound. - What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd, - Confounded to the dark recess I fly - Of woodhole; straight my bristling hairs erect - Thro' sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews - My shudd'ring limbs, and, wonderful to tell! - My tongue forgets her faculty of speech; - So horrible he seems! his faded brow - Entrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard, - And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints, - Disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand - Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves, - With characters and figures dire inscrib'd, - Grievous to mortal eyes; ye gods avert - Such plagues from righteous men! Behind him stalks - Another monster not unlike himself, - Sullen of aspect, by the vulgar call'd - A Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods - With force incredible and magic charms - First have endu'd: if he his ample palm - Should haply on ill-fated shoulder lay - Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch - Obsequious as whilom knights were wont, - To some enchanted castle is convey'd, - Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains - In durance strict detain him till, in form - Of money, Pallas sets the captive free. - Beware, ye debtors, when ye walk, beware! - Be circumspect; oft with insidious ken - This caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft - Lies perdue in a nook or gloomy cave, - Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch - With his unhallow'd touch. So, poets sing, - Grimalkin to domestic vermin sworn - An everlasting foe, with watchful eye - Lies nightly brooding o'er a chinky gap, - Protending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice - Sure ruin. So her disembowell'd web - Arachne in a hall, or kitchen, spreads, - Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands - Within her woven cell; the humming prey, - Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils - Inextricable, nor will aught avail - Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue; - The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone, - And butterfly proud of expanded wings - Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares, - Useless resistance make: with eager strides, - She tow'ring flies to her expected spoils; - Then, with envenom'd jaws the vital blood - Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave - Their bulky carcasses triumphant drags. - So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades - This world envelop, and th' inclement air - Persuades men to repel benumbing frosts - With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood; - Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light - Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk - Of loving friend delights; distress'd, forlorn, - Amidst the horrors of the tedious night, - Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts - My anxious mind, or sometimes mournful verse - Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades, - Or desp'rate lady near a purling stream, - Or lover pendant on a willow-tree. - Meanwhile I labour with eternal drought, - And restless wish, and rave, my parchéd throat - Finds no relief, nor heavy eyes repose: - But if a slumber haply does invade - My weary limbs, my fancy's still awake, - Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream, - Tipples imaginary pots of ale, - In vain; awake I find the settled thirst - Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse. - Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarr'd, - Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays - Mature, John Apple, nor the downy Peach, - Nor Walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure, - Nor Medlar fruit delicious in decay: - Afflictions great! yet greater still remains. - My Galligaskins that have long withstood - The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts, - By time subdu'd, what will not time subdue! - An horrid chasm disclos'd with orifice - Wide, discontinuous; at which the winds - Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force - Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves, - Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts, - Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship, - Long sail'd secure, or thro' th' Ægean deep, - Or the Ionian, till cruising near - The Lilybean shore, with hideous crush - On Scylla, or Charybdis, dang'rous rocks! - She strikes rebounding, whence the shatter'd oak, - So fierce a shock unable to withstand, - Admits the sea; in at the gaping side - The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage, - Resistless, overwhelming; horrors seize - The mariners, death in their eyes appears, - They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray; - Vain efforts! still the batt'ring waves rush in, - Implacable, till delug'd by the foam, - The ship sinks found'ring in the vast abyss. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 63: Two noted alehouses in Oxford, 1700.] - - - - -TWO "ODES." - -BY AMBROSE PHILIPS, ESQ., - -_From among those which suggested the next following Burlesque._ - - -TO MISS MARGARET PULTENEY, DAUGHTER OF DANIEL PULTENEY, ESQ., IN THE -NURSERY. - - _April_ 27, 1727. - - Dimply damsel, sweetly smiling, - All caressing, none beguiling, - Bud of beauty, fairly blowing, - Every charm to nature owing, - This and that new thing admiring, - Much of this and that enquiring, - Knowledge by degrees attaining, - Day by day some virtue gaining, - Ten years hence, when I leave chiming, - Beardless poets, fondly rhyming - (Fescu'd now, perhaps, in spelling), - On thy riper beauties dwelling, - Shall accuse each killing feature - Of the cruel, charming creature, - Whom I knew complying, willing, - Tender, and averse to killing. - - -TO MISS CHARLOTTE PULTENEY, IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS. - - _May_ 1, 1724. - - Timely blossom, infant fair, - Fondling of a happy pair, - Every morn, and every night, - Their solicitous delight, - Sleeping, waking, still at ease, - Pleasing, without skill to please, - Little gossip, blithe and hale, - Tatling many a broken tale, - Singing many a tuneless song, - Lavish of a heedless tongue, - Simple maiden, void of art, - Babbling out the very heart, - Yet abandon'd to thy will, - Yet imagining no ill, - Yet too innocent to blush, - Like the linlet in the bush, - To the mother-linnet's note - Moduling her slender throat, - Chirping forth thy petty joys, - Wanton in the change of toys, - Like the linnet green, in May, - Flitting to each bloomy spray, - Wearied then, and glad of rest, - Like the linlet in the nest. - This thy present happy lot, - This, in time, will be forgot. - Other pleasures, other cares, - Ever-busy time prepares; - And thou shalt in thy daughter see, - This picture, once, resembled thee. - - - - -NAMBY PAMBY: - -OR, A PANEGYRIC ON THE NEW VERSIFICATION ADDRESSED TO A---- P----, ESQ. - - "Nauty Pauty Jack-a-dandy - Stole a piece of sugar-candy - From the Grocer's shoppy-shop, - And away did hoppy-hop." - - - All ye poets of the age, - All ye witlings of the stage, - Learn your jingles to reform: - Crop your numbers, and conform: - Let your little verses flow - Gently, sweetly, row by row. - Let the verse the subject fit, - Little subject, little wit. - Namby Pamby is your guide, - Albion's joy, Hibernia's pride. - Namby Pamby Pilli-pis, - Rhimy pim'd on missy-mis; - Tartaretta Tartaree - From the navel to the knee; - That her father's gracy-grace - Might give him a placy-place. - He no longer writes of mammy - Andromache and her lammy, - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest. - Now the venal poet sings - Baby clouts, and baby things, - Baby dolls and baby houses, - Little misses, little spouses; - Little playthings, little toys, - Little girls, and little boys. - As an actor does his part, - So the nurses get by heart - Namby Pamby's little rhymes, - Little jingle, little chimes. - Namby Pamby ne'er will die - While the nurse sings lullaby. - Namby Pamby's doubly mild, - Once a man, and twice a child; - To his hanging-sleeves restor'd, - Now he foots it like a lord; - Now he pumps his little wits, - All by little tiny bits. - Now methinks I hear him say, - Boys and girls, come out to play, - Moon does shine as bright as day. - Now my Namby Pamby's found - Sitting on the Friar's ground, - Picking silver, picking gold, - Namby Pamby's never old. - Bally-cally they begin, - Namby Pamby still keeps in. - Namby Pamby is no clown, - London Bridge is broken down: - Now he courts the gay ladee, - Dancing o'er the Lady-lee: - Now he sings of lick-spit liar - Burning in the brimstone fire; - Liar, liar, lick-spit, lick, - Turn about the candle-stick. - Now he sings of Jacky Horner - Sitting in the chimney corner, - Eating of a Christmas pie, - Putting in his thumb, oh, fie! - Putting in, oh, fie! his thumb, - Pulling out, oh, strange! a plum. - Now he acts the Grenadier, - Calling for a pot of beer. - Where's his money? he's forgot, - Get him gone, a drunken sot. - Now on cock-horse does he ride; - And anon on timber stride, - See-and-saw and Sacch'ry down, - London is a gallant town. - Now he gathers riches in - Thicker, faster, pin by pin. - Pins apiece to see his show, - Boys and girls flock row by row; - From their clothes the pins they take, - Risk a whipping for his sake; - From their frocks the pins they pull, - To fill Namby's cushion full. - So much wit at such an age, - Does a genius great presage. - Second childhood gone and past, - Should he prove a man at last, - What must second manhood be, - In a child so bright as he! - Guard him, ye poetic powers, - Watch his minutes, watch his hours: - Let your tuneful Nine inspire him, - Let poetic fury fire him: - Let the poets one and all - To his genius victims fall. - - - - -A WORD UPON PUDDING. - - _From_ "A LEARNED DISSERTATION UPON DUMPLING," _to which the - preceding Poem was appended_. - - -What is a tart, a pie, or a pasty, but meat or fruit enclos'd in a -wall or covering of pudding? What is a cake, but a bak'd pudding; or a -Christmas pie, but a minc'd-meat pudding? As for cheese-cakes, custards, -tansies, &c., they are manifest puddings, and all of Sir John's own -contrivance; custard being as old, if not older, than Magna Charta. In -short, pudding is of the greatest dignity and antiquity; bread itself, -which is the very staff of life, being, properly speaking, a bak'd wheat -pudding. - -To the satchel, which is the pudding-bag of ingenuity, we are indebted -for the greatest men in church and state. All arts and sciences owe -their original to pudding or dumpling. What is a bagpipe, the mother of -all music, but a pudding of harmony? Or what is music itself, but a -palatable cookery of sounds? To little puddings or bladders of colours we -owe all the choice originals of the greatest painters. And indeed, what -is painting, but a well-spread pudding, or cookery of colours? - -The head of man is like a pudding. And whence have all rhymes, poems, -plots, and inventions sprang, but from that same pudding? What is -poetry, but a pudding of words? The physicians, tho' they cry out so -much against cooks and cookery, yet are but cooks themselves; with this -difference only, the cooks' pudding lengthens life, the physicians' -shortens it. So that we live and die by pudding. For what is a clyster, -but a bag-pudding? a pill, but a dumpling? or a bolus, but a tansy, tho' -not altogether so toothsome? In a word: physic is only a puddingizing or -cookery of drugs. - - The law is but a - cookery of quibbles and contentions,[64] * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * * is but a pudding of * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * Some swallow everything whole and unmix'd; - -so that it may rather be call'd a heap than a pudding. Others are so -squeamish, the greatest mastership in cookery is requir'd to make the -pudding palatable. The suet which others gape and swallow by gobs, must -for these puny stomachs be minced to atoms; the plums must be pick'd -with the utmost care, and every ingredient proportion'd to the greatest -nicety, or it will never go down. - -The universe itself is but a pudding of elements. Empires, kingdoms, -states and republics, are but puddings of people differently made up. The -celestial and terrestrial orbs are decipher'd to us by a pair of globes -or mathematical puddings. - -The success of war and fate of monarchies are entirely dependent on -puddings and dumplings. For what else are cannonballs but military -puddings? or bullets, but dumplings; with this difference only, they do -not sit so well on the stomach as a good marrow pudding or bread pudding. - -In short, there is nothing valuable in art or nature, but what, more -or less, has an allusion to pudding or dumpling. Why, then, should -they be held in disesteem? Why should dumpling-eating be ridiculed, -or dumpling-eaters derided? Is it not pleasant and profitable? Is it -not ancient and honourable? Kings, princes, and potentates have in all -ages been lovers of pudding. Is it not, therefore, of royal authority? -Popes, cardinals, bishops, priests and deacons, have, time out of mind, -been great pudding-eaters. Is it not, therefore, a holy and religious -institution? Philosophers, poets, and learned men in all faculties, -judges, privy councillors, and members of both houses, have, by their -great regard to pudding, given a sanction to it that nothing can efface. -Is it not, therefore, ancient, honourable, and commendable? - - Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores? - -Why do, therefore, the enemies of good eating, the starveling -authors of Grub Street, employ their impotent pens against pudding -and pudding-headed, _alias_ honest men? Why do they inveigh against -dumpling-eating, which is the life and soul of good-fellowship; and -dumpling-eaters, who are the ornaments of civil society? - -But, alas! their malice is their own punishment. The hireling author -of a late scandalous libel, intituled, "The Dumpling-Eaters Downfall," -may, if he has any eyes, now see his error, in attacking so numerous, so -august, a body of people. His books remain unsold, unread, unregarded; -while this treatise of mine shall be bought by all who love pudding or -dumpling; to my bookseller's great joy, and my no small consolation. How -shall I triumph, and how will that mercenary scribbler be mortified, -when I have sold more editions of my books than he has copies of his? -I, therefore, exhort all people, gentle and simple, men, women, and -children, to buy, to read, to extol these labours of mine, for the honour -of dumpling-eating. Let them not fear to defend every article; for I will -bear them harmless. I have arguments good store, and can easily confute, -either logically, theologically, or metaphysically, all those who dare -oppose me. - -Let not Englishmen, therefore, be ashamed of the name of Pudding-eaters; -but, on the contrary, let it be their glory. For let foreigners cry out -ne'er so much against good eating, they come easily into it when they -have been a little while in our land of Canaan; and there are very few -foreigners among us who have not learn'd to make as great a hole in a -good pudding, or sirloin of beef, as the best Englishman of us all. - -Why should we then be laughed out of pudding and dumpling? or why -ridicul'd out of good living? Plots and politics may hurt us, but pudding -cannot. Let us, therefore, adhere to pudding, and keep ourselves out -of harm's way; according to the golden rule laid down by a celebrated -dumpling-eater now defunct: - - "Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says: - Sleep very much; think little, and talk less: - Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong; - But eat your pudding, fool, and hold your tongue."--PRIOR. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 64: The cat ran away with this part of the copy, on which the -Author had unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump's sausages.] - - - - -THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT. - -WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. - -FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731. - - -H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, HIS PREFACE. - -The town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than concerning the -merit of the following scenes. Whilst some publicly affirm that no author -could produce so fine a piece but Mr. P----, others have with as much -vehemence insisted that no one could write anything so bad but Mr. F----. - -Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when the learned -world have not unanimously decided even the very nature of this tragedy. -For though most of the universities in Europe have honoured it with the -name of "Egregium et maximi pretii opus, tragoediis tam antiquis quàm -novis longè anteponendum;" nay, Dr. B---- hath pronounced, "Citiùs Mævii -Æneadem quàm Scribleri istius tragoediam hanc crediderim, cujus autorem -Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud dubitârim:" and the great Professor Burman -hath styled Tom Thumb "Heroum omnium tragicorum facilè principem;" nay, -though it hath, among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and -celebrated with great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never came) -by the title of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters received it with -that reverent and silent attention which becometh an audience at a deep -tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there have not been wanting some who -have represented these scenes in a ludicrous light; and Mr. D---- hath -been heard to say, with some concern, that he wondered a tragical and -Christian nation would permit a representation on its theatre so visibly -designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great and solemn -among us. - -This learned critic and his followers were led into so great an error -by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last year into -the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our author will be -acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall happily peruse this genuine -and original copy. Nor can I help remarking, to the great praise of -our author, that, however imperfect the former was, even that faint -resemblance of the true Tom Thumb contained sufficient beauties to -give it a run of upwards of forty nights to the politest audiences. -But, notwithstanding that applause which it received from all the best -judges, it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, and, I believe -rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have been intended a -burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and designed to banish what -we generally call fine things from the stage. - -Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, I -shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. And this I the rather -undertake, first, as it is indeed in some measure incumbent on me to -vindicate myself from that surreptitious copy before mentioned, published -by some ill-meaning people under my name; secondly, as knowing myself -more capable of doing justice to our author than any other man, as I -have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough understanding of -this little piece, having for ten years together read nothing else; in -which time, I think, I may modestly presume, with the help of my English -dictionary, to comprehend all the meanings of every word in it. - -But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to enlighten -the world with his annotations on our author, I shall not think that the -least reward or happiness arising to me from these my endeavours. - -I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the learned -world, whether this piece was originally written by Shakespeare, though -certainly that, were it true, must add a considerable share to its merit, -especially with such who are so generous as to buy and commend what they -never read, from an implicit faith in the author only: a faith which our -age abounds in as much as it can be called deficient in any other. - -Let it suffice, that "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, The Life and Death -of Tom Thumb," was written in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Nor can -the objection made by Mr. D----, that the tragedy must then have been -antecedent to the history, have any weight, when we consider that, -though "The History of Tom Thumb" printed by and for Edward M--r, at the -Looking-glass on London Bridge, be of a later date, still must we suppose -this history to have been transcribed from some other, unless we suppose -the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very faintly contended for by -the writers of our age. As to this history's not bearing the stamp of -second, third, or fourth edition, I see but little in that objection; -editions being very uncertain lights to judge of books by: and perhaps -Mr. M--r may have joined twenty editions in one, as Mr. C--l hath ere now -divided one into twenty. - -Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our author hath -taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry any greater force. -Are there not instances of plays wherein the history is so perverted, -that we can know the heroes whom they celebrate by no other marks than -their names? nay, do we not find the same character placed by different -poets in such different lights, that we can discover not the least -sameness, or even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba of Mairet and -of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of Massinissa: Corneille -and Mr. Thomson give her no other passion but the love of her country, -and make her as cool in her affection to Massinissa as to Syphax. In the -two latter she resembles the character of Queen Elizabeth; in the two -former she is the picture of Mary Queen of Scotland. In short, the one -Sophonisba is as different from the other as the Brutus of Voltaire is -from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or as the Minerva is from the Venus of -the ancients. - -Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy before us, in -which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the Moral, the Characters, -the Sentiments, and the Diction. And first of the Fable; which I take -to be the most simple imaginable; and, to use the words of an eminent -author, "one, regular, and uniform, not charged with a multiplicity of -incidents, and yet affording several revolutions of fortune, by which -the passions may be excited, varied, and driven to their full tumult of -emotion." Nor is the action of this tragedy less great than uniform. The -spring of all is the love of Tom Thumb for Huncamunca; which caused the -quarrel between their majesties in the first act; the passion of Lord -Grizzle in the second; the rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, -devouring of Tom Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the -third. - -Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the Fable; -it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human happiness is -exceeding transient, and that death is the certain end of all men: the -former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end of Tom Thumb; the latter, -by that of all the other personages. - -The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the _dramatis -personæ_; and I believe we shall find few plays where greater care is -taken to maintain them throughout, and to preserve in every speech that -characteristical mark which distinguishes them from each other. "But," -says Mr. D----, "how well doth the character of Tom Thumb (whom we -must call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero) agree with -the precepts of Aristotle, who defineth, 'tragedy to be the imitation -of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness in itself?' -&c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history related to have been -no higher than a span?" This gentleman seemeth to think, with Serjeant -Kite, that the greatness of a man's soul is in proportion to that of his -body, the contrary of which is affirmed by our English physiognominical -writers. Besides, if I understand Aristotle right, he speaketh only of -the greatness of the action, and not of the person. - -As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain to be -spoken to, I thought I could afford them no stronger justification than -by producing parallel passages out of the best of our English writers. -Whether this sameness of thought and expression which I have quoted from -them proceeded from an agreement in their way of thinking, or whether -they have borrowed from our author, I leave the reader to determine. I -shall adventure to affirm this of the Sentiments of our author, that -they are generally the most familiar which I have ever met with, and -at the same time delivered with the highest dignity of phrase; which -brings me to speak of his diction. Here I shall only beg one postulatum, -viz., that the greatest perfection of the language of a tragedy is, that -it is not to be understood; which granted (as I think it must be), it -will necessarily follow that the only way to avoid this is by being too -high or too low for the understanding, which will comprehend everything -within its reach. Those two extremities of style Mr. Dryden illustrates -by the familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aërial and the -subterrestrial. - -Horace goes further, and showeth when it is proper to call at one of -these inns, and when at the other:-- - - Telephus et Peleus, cùm pauper et exul uterque, - Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba. - -That he approveth of the _sesquipedalia verba_ is plain; for, had not -Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, they could -not have dropped it in adversity. The aërial inn, therefore (says -Horace), is proper only to be frequented by princes and other great men -in the highest affluence of fortune; the subterrestrial is appointed for -the entertainment of the poorer sort of people only, whom Horace advises, - - --dolere sermone pedestri. - -The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the proper -language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which is literally -implied in the _sermo pedestris_, as the former is in the _sesquipedalia -verba_. - -Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tam furiosum vel -tragicum quàm verborum sonitus inanis, nullâ subjectâ sententiâ neque -scientiâ." What can be so proper for tragedy as a set of big sounding -words, so contrived together as to convey no meaning? which I shall -one day or other prove to be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth -absolutely for the latter inn: - - Omne genus scripti gravitate tragoedia vincit. - -Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; which is -the profound of Scriblerus. - -I shall not presume to determine which of these two styles be properer -for tragedy. It sufficeth that our author excelleth in both. He is -very rarely within sight through the whole play, either rising higher -than the eye of your understanding can soar, or sinking lower than it -careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps be observed that I have given -more frequent instances of authors who have imitated him in the sublime -than in the contrary. To which I answer, first, bombast being properly -a redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in poets whose -names do more honour to our author than the writers in the doggrel, -which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of thinking. Instances -whereof are most frequently to be found in authors of a lower class. -Secondly, that the works of such authors are difficultly found at all. -Thirdly, that it is a very hard task to read them, in order to extract -these flowers from them. And lastly, it is very difficult to transplant -them at all; they being like some flowers of a very nice nature, which -will flourish in no soil but their own: for it is easy to transcribe a -thought, but not the want of one. The "Earl of Essex," for instance, is -a little garden of choice rarities, whence you can scarce transplant one -line so as to preserve its original beauty. This must account to the -reader for his missing the names of several of his acquaintance, which -he had certainly found here, had I ever read their works; for which, -if I have not a just esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quæ non -contemno, quippè quæ nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may meet -with due satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator from -the university, who is reading over all the modern tragedies, at five -shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they have stole from our -author, which shall be shortly added as an appendix to this work. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - -KING ARTHUR, _a passionate sort of king, husband to_ QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, -_of whom he stands a little in fear: father to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _whom he is -very fond of and in love with_ GLUMDALCA. - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT, _a little hero with a great soul, something violent -in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -GHOST OF GAFFER THUMB, _a whimsical sort of ghost_. - -LORD GRIZZLE, _extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very -choleric in his temper, and in love with_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -MERLIN, _a conjuror, and in some sort father to_ TOM THUMB. - -NOODLE, DOODLE, _courtiers in place, and consequently of that party that -is uppermost_. - -FOODLE, _a courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party -that is undermost_. - -BAILIFF, AND FOLLOWER, _of the party of the plaintiff_. - -PARSON, _of the side of the church_. - -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _wife to_ KING ARTHUR, _and mother to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _a -woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink, a -little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with_ TOM THUMB. - -THE PRINCESS HUNCAMUNCA, _daughter to their_ MAJESTIES KING ARTHUR _and_ -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, -equally in love with_ LORD GRIZZLE _and_ TOM THUMB, _and desirous to be -married to them both_. - -GLUMDALCA, _of the giants, a captive queen, beloved by the king, but in -love with_ TOM THUMB. - -CLEORA, MUSTACHA, _maids of honour in love with_ NOODLE _and_ DOODLE. - -Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning. - - -SCENE.--THE COURT OF KING ARTHUR, AND A PLAIN THEREABOUTS. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I. - -SCENE I.--_The Palace._ - -DOODLE, NOODLE. - - _Doodle._ Sure such a day[65] as this was never seen! - The sun himself, on this auspicious day, - Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit: - This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. - All nature wears one universal grin. - - _Nood._ This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day. - Indeed!--a day, we never saw before.[66] - The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;[67] - Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, - Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall[68] - Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, - While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. - So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, - Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. - - _Dood._ When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, - The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; - Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. - - _Nood._ They tell me it is whisper'd[69] in the books - Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, - By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone - Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. - - _Dood._ Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; - Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place - Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot[70] - This mighty Tom. - - _Nood._ Sure he was sent express[71] - From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. - Though small his body be, so very small - A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, - Yet is his soul like any mountain big; - And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, - So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.[72] - - _Dood._ Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, - The giant nurses frighten children with it,[73] - And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are - Naughty, will surely take the child away. - - _Nood._ But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.[74] - - _Dood._ He comes most luckily for my petition. - [_Flourish._ - - -SCENE II. - -KING, QUEEN, GRIZZLE, NOODLE, DOODLE, FOODLE. - - _King._ Let nothing but a face of joy appear;[75] - The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, - That he may have no face to frown withal. - Smile Dollallolla--Ha! what wrinkled sorrow - Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?[76] - Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, - Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? - - _Queen._ Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,[77] - Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. - - _King._ If it be so, let all men cry for joy, - Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;[78] - Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, - And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. - - _Dood._ My liege, I a petition have here got. - - _King._ Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: - Let other hours be set apart for business. - To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.[79] - And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. - - _Queen._ (Though I already[80] half-seas over am) - If the capacious goblet overflow - With arrack punch----'fore George! I'll see it out: - Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. - - _King._ Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, - And rum and brandy be no more than six, - Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. [_Trumpets._ - But, ha! the warrior comes--the great Tom Thumb, - The little hero, giant-killing boy, - Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived. - - -SCENE III. - -TOM THUMB _to them, with_ OFFICERS, PRISONERS, _and_ ATTENDANTS. - - _King._ Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.[81] - What gratitude can thank away the debt - Your valour lays upon me? - - _Queen._ Oh! ye gods![82] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.[83] - I've done my duty, and I've done no more. - - _Queen._ Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [_Aside._ - - _King._ Thy modesty's a candle[84] to thy merit, - It shines itself, and shows thy merit too. - But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? - - _Thumb._ My liege, without the castle gates they stand, - The castle gates too low for their admittance. - - _King._ What look they like? - - _Thumb._ Like nothing but themselves. - - _Queen._ And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.[85] - [_Aside._ - - _King._ Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. - I see them--yes, I see them now before me: - The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods. - But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes? - So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn[86] - By all the gods in council: so fair she is, - That surely at her birth the council paused, - And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! - - _Thumb._ Then were the gods mistaken--she is not - A woman, but a giantess----whom we, - With much ado, have made a shift to haul[87] - Within the town: for she is by a foot[88] - Shorter than all her subject giants were. - - _Glum._ We yesterday were both a queen and wife, - One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway. - Twenty whereof were married to ourself. - - _Queen._ Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands - Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced - To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. - - _Glum._ But then to lose them all in one black day, - That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife - To twenty giants, setting should behold - Me widow'd of them all.----My worn-out heart,[89] - That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, - My soul, will quickly sink. - - _Queen._ Madam, believe - I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: - But learn to bear them with what strength you may, - To-morrow we will have our grenadiers - Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose - What husbands you think fit. - - _Glum._ Madam, I am[90] - Your most obedient and most humble servant. - - _King._ Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, - Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; - Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. - I feel a sudden pain within my breast,[91] - Nor know I whether it arise from love - Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show. - O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! - Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. - - _Thumb._ I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;[92] - I ask not money, money I've enough; - For what I've done, and what I mean to do, - For giants slain, and giants yet unborn - Which I will slay----if this be call'd a debt, - Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,-- - To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.[93] - - _King._ Prodigious bold request. - - _Queen._ Be still, my soul.[94] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,[95] - And waits its answer there.----Oh! do not frown. - I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, - But love did overwind and crack the string. - Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, YOU SHAN'T, - I should have loved her still----for oh, strange fate, - Then when I loved her least I loved her most! - - _King._ It is resolv'd--the princess is your own. - - _Thumb._ Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.[96] - - _Queen._ Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, - But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm - Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. - Let Macedonia Alexander boast, - Let Rome her Cæsars and her Scipios show, - Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, - Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, - Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. - - _Queen._ Though greater yet his boasted merit was, - He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. - - _King._ Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? - - _Queen._ I say he shan't. - - _King._ Then by our royal self we swear you lie.[97] - - _Queen._ Who but a dog, who but a dog[98] - Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain - These twenty years so loving by thy side![99] - But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. - Then tremble all who did this match persuade, - For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,[100] - And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. - - _Food._ Her majesty the queen is in a passion.[101] - - _King._ Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl[102] - And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself, - We were indeed a pretty king of clouts - To truckle to her will--for when by force - Or art the wife her husband overreaches, - Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. - - _Thumb._ Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine![103] - Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! - The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, - And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! - I've thrown the bloody garment now aside - And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. - So when some chimney-sweeper all the day - Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, - At night to wash his hands and face he flies, - And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies. - - -SCENE IV. - - _Grizzle (solus)._ Where art thou, Grizzle?[104] where are now thy - glories? - Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? - Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street, - Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, - To-morrow puts it on another's back. - The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd - His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; - Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low. - - -SCENE V. - -QUEEN, GRIZZLE. - - _Queen._ Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,[105] - Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, - Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine - To spout forth words malicious as thyself, - Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. - - _Griz._ Far be it from my pride to think my tongue - Your royal lips can in that art instruct, - Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, - Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? - - _Queen._ Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard - (What ev'ry corner of the court resounds) - That little Thumb will be a great man made? - - _Griz._ I heard it, I confess--for who, alas! - Can[106] always stop his ears?--But would my teeth, - By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! - - _Queen._ Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, - The hallalloo of fire in every street! - Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, - To think I should a grandmother be made - By such a rascal!--Sure the king forgets - When in a pudding, by his mother put, - The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile - Was dropp'd.--Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear - To see him from a pudding mount the throne? - Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear - To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? - - _Griz._ Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen. - Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.[107] - - _Queen._ Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent - This hated match. - - _Griz._ We will; nor fate itself,[108] - Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. - I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds: - I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; - I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; - Fierce as the man whom smiling[109] dolphins bore - From the prosaic to poetic shore. - I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. - - _Queen._ Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; - For, though I would not have him have my daughter, - Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants? - - _Griz._ I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; - He made the giants first, and then he killed them; - As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, - And then with hounds they drive them out again. - - _Queen._ How! have you seen no giants? Are there not - Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants? - - _Griz._ Indeed I cannot positively tell,[110] - But firmly do believe there is not one. - - _Queen._ Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; - By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb. - Go, sirrah! go, hie[111] away! hie!----thou art - A setting-dog: begone. - - _Griz._ Madam, I go. - Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. - So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - -SCENE VI. - - _Queen_ [_sola._] And whither shall I go?--Alack a day! - I love Tom Thumb--but must not tell him so; - For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? - A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; - A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live - Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. - Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;[112] - In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. - Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. - But hold!--perhaps I may be left a widow: - This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine: - In that dear hope I will forget my pain. - So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, - With beating hemp and flogging she's content; - She hopes in time to ease her present pain, - At length is free, and walks the streets again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - -SCENE I.--_The street._ - -BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Come on, my trusty fellow, come on; - This day discharge thy duty, and at night - A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. - Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. - - _Fol._ No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word - Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long - To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him: - To lay arresting hands upon his back, - And drag him trembling to the sponging-house. - - _Bail._ There when I have him, I will sponge upon him. - Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, - I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! - Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. - - _Fol._ Enjoy it then some other time, for now - Our prey approaches. - - _Bail._ Let us retire. - - -SCENE II. - -TOM THUMB, NOODLE, BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Thumb._ Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;[113] - For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, - Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: - For, oh!--but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,[114] - I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. - - _Nood._ I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. - - _Thumb._ Then know--my grandmamma[115] hath often said. - Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. - - _Nood._ Sir, I blush - To think a warrior, great in arms as you, - Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. - Can an old woman's empty dreams deter - The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? - Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, - When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, - While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, - You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. - - _Thumb._ Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; - Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; - I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: - Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short - For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise - Blushing to see us both alone together.[116] - - _Nood._ Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. - - _Bail._ Oh, sir! I have an action against you. - - _Nood._ At whose suit is it? - - _Bail._ At your tailor's, sir. - Your tailor put this warrant in my hands, - And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. - - _Thumb._ Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! - Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? - But let vain cowards threaten by their word, - Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword. - - [_Kills_ BAILIFF _and_ FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Oh, I am slain! - - _Fol._ I am murdered also, - And to the shades, the dismal shades below, - My bailiff's faithful follower I go. - - _Nood._ Go then to hell,[117] like rascals as you are, - And give our service to the bailiffs there. - - _Thumb._ Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, - Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, - And no one fear a bailiff or his writ. - - -SCENE III.--_The Princess_ HUNCAMUNCA'S _Apartment_. - -HUNCAMUNCA, CLEORA, MUSTACHA. - - _Hunc._ Give me some music--see that it be sad.[118] - -CLEORA _sings_. - - Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, - Bring thy quiver to her aid; - With equal ardour wound the swain; - Beauty should never sigh in vain. - - Let him feel the pleasing smart, - Drive the arrow through his heart: - When one you wound, you then destroy; - When both you kill, you kill with joy. - - _Hunc._ O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?[119] - Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? - Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? - Or else the King of Brentford, old or new! - -_Must._ I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a moment's -uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom Thumb the -Great[120]--one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my -husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in -love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had -fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing! - - _Hunc._ Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. - The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, - Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. - The dove is not so gentle to its mate. - -_Must._ The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.--Alas! madam, -there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a man. He is a -perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost without shadow -too. - - _Hunc._ This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; - Or I shall think this railing comes from love. - Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, - That no one can abuse, unless they love him. - -_Must._ Madam, the king. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING HUNCAMUNCA. - - _King._ Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. - [_Exeunt_ CLEORA _and_ MUSTACHA. - Daughter, I have observed of late some grief - Unusual in your countenance; your eyes - That, like two open windows,[121] used to show - The lovely beauty of the rooms within. - Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? - Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? - We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. - - _Hunc._ Alas! my lord, I value not myself - That once I ate two fowls and half a pig; - Small is that praise![122] but oh! a maid may want - What she can neither eat nor drink. - - _King._ What's that? - - _Hunc._ O spare my blushes;[123] but I mean a husband. - - _King._ If that be all, I have provided one, - A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword - Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, - Whose name in Terrâ Incognitâ is known, - Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise - Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies. - - _Hunc._ Whom does my royal father mean? - - _King._ Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Is it possible? - - _King._ Ha! the window-blinds are gone; - A country-dance of joy is in your face.[124] - Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. - - _Hunc._ Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound, - Enough to turn me into beef indeed! - Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, - I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. - For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. - - _King._ Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. - A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. - - _Hunc._ Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell - That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. - Oh! I am overjoy'd! - - _King._ I see thou art. - Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;[125] - Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, - As small-shot through a hedge. - - _Hunc._ Oh! say not small. - - _King._ This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, - Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. - Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms - Must still detain the hero from his arms; - Various his duty, various his delight; - Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, - And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,[126] - When with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down to earth, and takes a bit--and then - Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again. - - -SCENE V. - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh![127] - Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass, - Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; - As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, - That thus of me you dare to make your game?[128] - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you - A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; - But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; - Love often lords into the cellar bears, - And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. - For what's too high for love, or what's too low? - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ But, granting all you say of love were true, - My love, alas! is to another due. - In vain to me a suitoring you come, - For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ And can my princess such a durgen wed? - One fitter for your pocket than your bed! - Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, - Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. - Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch, - Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. - Then, while in joys together lost we lie,[129] - I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. - - _Hunc._ If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, - All obstacles of promise you remove; - For all engagements to a man must fall, - Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. - - _Griz._ Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, - Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! - But, by the stars and glory! you appear - Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; - One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, - Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; - The milky way is not so white, that's flat, - And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. - - _Hunc._ Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, - It is impossible to be unkind. - - _Griz._ Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound[130] - From one pole to another pole rebound; - The earth and sky each be a battledore, - And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: - To Doctors Commons for a licence I - Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. - - _Hunc._ Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet, - 'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. - - _Griz._ Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should - By that vile place contaminate her blood; - My quick return shall to my charmer prove - I travel on the post-horses of love.[131] - - _Hunc._ Those post-horses to me will seem too slow - Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they - Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity. - - -SCENE VI. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Thumb._ Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? - Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love, - That light up all with love my waxen soul?[132] - Where is that face which artful nature made - In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?[133] - - _Hunc._ Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,[134] - Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? - What are these praises now to me, since I - Am promised to another? - - _Thumb._ Ha! promised? - - _Hunc._ Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. - - _Thumb._ Then I will tear away the leaf[135] - Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow - So large a gap within its journal-book, - I'll blot it out at least. - - -SCENE VII. - -GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Glum._ I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,[136] - Your brandy-nose proclaims---- - - _Hunc._ I am a princess; - Nor need I ask who you are. - - _Glum._ A giantess; - The queen of those who made and unmade queens. - - _Hunc._ The man whose chief ambition is to be - My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants. - - _Glum._ Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once - Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? - - _Hunc._ Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame - Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. - The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,[137] - May well sit easy on the hand or foot. - - _Glum._ I glory in the number, and when I - Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, - Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. - - _Hunc._ Let me see nearer what this beauty is - That captivates the heart of men by scores. - [_Holds a candle to her face._ - Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. - - _Glum._ You'd give the best of shoes within your shop - To be but half so handsome. - - _Hunc._ Since you come - To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:[138] - Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. - - _Glum._ Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill - That bed where twenty giants used to lie. - - _Thumb._ In the balcóny that o'erhangs the stage, - I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage; - One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, - The other shows a little piece of gold; - She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, - And leaves the larger and the baser coin. - - _Glum._ Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this; - I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,[139] - Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. - I'm all within a hurricane, as if - The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.[140] - Confusion,[141] horror, murder, gripes, and death! - - -SCENE VIII. - -KING, GLUMDALCA. - - _King._ Sure never was so sad a king as I![142] - My life is worn as ragged as a coat[143] - A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. - To love a captive and a giantess![144] - Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! - My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, - Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca![145] - Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make, - But an angelic soul was shuffled in. - I am a multitude of walking griefs,[146] - And only on her lips the balm is found - To spread a plaster that might cure them all.[147] - - _Glum._ What do I hear? - - _King._ What do I see? - - _Glum._ Oh! - - _King._ Ah! - - _Glum._ Ah! wretched queen![148] - - _King._ Oh! wretched king! - - _Glum._ Ah![149] - - _King._ Oh! - - -SCENE IX. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA, PARSON. - - _Par._ Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing; - For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night - Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. - - _Thumb._ It shall be my endeavour so to do. - - _Hunc._ Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. - - _Thumb._ It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: - I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;[150] - I'm so transported, I have lost myself.[151] - - _Hunc._ Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small, - That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. - So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, - Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; - In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan. - For ah, the needle was for ever gone. - - _Par._ Long may they live, and love, and propagate, - Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! - So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,[152] - Another and another still succeeds: - By thousands and ten thousands they increase, - Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese. - - -SCENE X. - -NOODLE, _and then_ GRIZZLE. - - _Nood._ Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,[153] - Or else unfix the world, and in a rage - To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; - All things are so confused, the king's in love, - The queen is drunk, the princess married is. - - _Griz._ Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? - - _Nood._ I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none - Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone. - The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. - - _Griz._ D--n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?[154] - I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. - - _Nood._ By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ My Huncamunca![155] - - _Nood._ Your Huncamunca, - Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. - - _Griz._ If this be true, all womankind are curst. - - _Nood._ If it be not, may I be so myself. - - _Griz._ See where she comes! I'll not believe a word - Against that face, upon whose ample brow[156] - Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. - - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. - The licence in my hand! - - _Hunc._ Alas! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ Why dost thou mention him? - - _Hunc._ Ah, me! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ What means my lovely Huncamunca? - - _Hunc._ Hum? - - _Griz._ Oh! speak. - - _Hunc._ Hum! - - _Griz._ Ha! your every word is hum: - You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.[157] - Tom Thumb--I'm on the rack--I'm in a flame. - Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb--you love the name;[158] - So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb, - You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! - My ample heart for more than one has room: - A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. - I married him, and now I'll marry you.[159] - - _Griz._ Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? - Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? - Since to that office one cannot suffice, - And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, - Go, get your husband put into commission. - Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) - The duty of a husband to your highness. - Yet think not long I will my rival bear, - Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; - The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined - Within the hollow caverns of my mind, - In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, - Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, - And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.[160] - So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,[161] - A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, - Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, - Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along. - The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen, - Together cram the dirty and the clean, - And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. - - _Hunc._ Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay - My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day, - I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, - May go again this night alone to bed. - So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,[162] - Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, - To give the preference to either loth, - And fondly coveting to sit on both, - While the two stools her sitting-part confound, - Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III. - -SCENE I.--KING ARTHUR'S _Palace._ - -_Ghost_[163] (_solus_). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon! - - Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail! - And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats - Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit, - All hail!--Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day, - Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire, - Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves, - To the loud music of the silent bell,[164] - All hail! - - -SCENE II. - -KING, GHOST. - - _King_. What noise is this? What villain dares, - At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane, - Disturb our royal walls? - - _Ghost_. One who defies - Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares[165] - Walk in thy bedchamber. - - _King_. Presumptuous slave! - Thou diest. - - _Ghost_. Threaten others with that word: - I am a ghost, and am already dead.[166] - - _King_. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come, - This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud[167] - I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder, - Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away. - Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [GHOST _retires_. - I thought what was the courage of a ghost![168] - Yet, dare not, on thy life--Why say I that, - Since life thou hast not?--Dare not walk again - Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea. - For, if henceforth I ever find thee here, - As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid---- - - _Ghost._ Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin, - The liquor (when alive) whose very smell - I did detest, did loathe--yet, for the sake - Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. - - _King._ Ha! said you? - - _Ghost._ Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb, - Whose father's ghost I am--once not unknown - To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true, - The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget. - - _King._ 'Tis he--it is the honest Gaffer Thumb. - Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms, - Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost! - - _Ghost._ Would I were something more, that we again - Might feel each other in the warm embrace. - But now I have th' advantage of my king, - For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.[169] - - _King._ But say, thou dearest air,[170] oh! say what dread, - Important business sends thee back to earth? - - _Ghost._ Oh! then prepare to hear--which but to hear - Is full enough to send thy spirit hence. - Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led, - Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope - The shutters of the sky, before the gate - Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread. - So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,[171] - So have I seen the stars in frosty nights, - So have I seen the sand in windy days, - So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore, - So have I seen the flowers in spring arise, - So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall, - So have I seen the fruits in summer smile, - So have I seen the snow in winter frown. - - _King._ D--n all thou hast seen!--dost thou, beneath the shape - Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me - With similes, to keep me on the rack? - Hence--or, by all the torments of thy hell, - I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.[172] - - _Ghost._ Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence, - Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks! - Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware! - Strive to avert thy yet impending fate; - For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day, - To-morrow all thy care will come too late. - - -SCENE III. - -KING, _solus_. - - _King._ Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus! - And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate, - Oh! teach me how I may avert it too! - Curs'd be the man who first a simile made! - Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes--So have I seen! - Those whose comparisons are just and true, - And those who liken things not like at all. - The devil is happy that the whole creation - Can furnish out no simile to his fortune. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING, QUEEN. - - _Queen._ What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal - Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast? - Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,[173] - When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites? - - _King._ Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love! - I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid - Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find - There is no power in drams to quiet wives; - Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake, - And shine upon their husbands. - - _Queen._ Think, oh, think! - What a surprise it must be to the sun, - Rising, to find the vanish'd world away. - What less can be the wretched wife's surprise - When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast, - She found her useless bolster in her arms. - Think, think, on that.--Oh! think, think well on that![174] - I do remember also to have read - In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,[175] - That Jove in form inanimate did lie - With beauteous Danaë: and, trust me, love, - I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.[176] - - _King._ Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex! - Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee, - So many husbands never had worn horns. - Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake, - Tom Thumb indeed were blest.--Oh, fatal name - For didst thou know one quarter what I know, - Then wouldst thou know--alas! what thou wouldst know! - - _Queen._ What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak - Like men who carry rareeshows about? - "Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see." - O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much. - - -SCENE V. - -KING, QUEEN, NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Long life attend your majesties serene, - Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen! - Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd, - Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud, - Unless the princess be deliver'd straight, - And the victorious Thumb, without his pate, - They are resolv'd to batter down the gate. - - -SCENE VI. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, NOODLE. - - _King._ See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb? - - _Hunc._ Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago - He sallied out t' encounter with the foe, - And swore, unless his fate had him misled, - From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head, - And serve't up with your chocolate in bed. - - _King._ 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both. - Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come; - Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb: - In peace and safety we secure may stay, - While to his arm we trust the bloody fray; - Though men and giants should conspire with gods, - He is alone equal to all these odds.[177] - - _Queen._ He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;[178] - While he supports we need not fear to fall; - His arm despatches all things to our wish, - And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish. - Void is the mistress of the house of care, - While the good cook presents the bill of fare; - Whether the cod, that northern king of fish, - Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish, - No fears the number of her guests afford, - But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board. - - -SCENE VII.--_Plain._ - -GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS. - - _Griz._ Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; - For, though we have not fought, yet we have found - No enemy to fight withal.[179] - - _Food._ Yet I, - Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, - This first of April to engage our foes.[180] - - _Griz._ This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose, - For on this day my grandmother was born. - Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; - Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,[181] - And send it post to the Elysian shades. - - _Food._ I'm glad to find our army is so stout, - Nor does it move my wonder less than joy. - - _Griz._ What friends we have, and how we came so strong,[182] - I'll softly tell you as we march along. - - -SCENE VIII.--_Thunder and Lightning._ - -TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _cum suis._ - - _Thumb._ Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? - The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,[183] - As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,[184] - And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; - Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ What voice is this I hear? - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Again it calls. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Glum._ It calls again. - - _Thumb._ Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not. - - _Merl._ Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend, - Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, - And to my art thou dost thy being owe. - - _Thumb._ How? - - _Merl._ Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb. - - His father was a ploughman plain, - His mother milk'd the cow; - And yet the way to get a son - This couple knew not how, - Until such time the good old man - To learned Merlin goes, - And there to him, in great distress, - In secret manner shows - How in his heart he wish'd to have - A child, in time to come, - To be his heir, though it may be - No bigger than his thumb: - Of which old Merlin was foretold - That he his wish should have; - And so a son of stature small - The charmer to him gave.[185] - - Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future. - - _Thumb._ Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;[186] - See there, Glumdalca, see another me![187] - - _Glum._ O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd - By the expanded jaws of a red cow. - - _Merl._ Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, - For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.[188] - See from afar a theatre arise; - There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay - To the heroic actions of this day; - Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose - Thy name the best supporter of her muse. - - _Thumb._ Enough: let every warlike music sound. - We fall contented, if we fall renown'd. - - -SCENE IX. - -LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS, _on one side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on -the other._ - - _Food._ At length the enemy advances nigh, - I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.[189] - - _Griz._ Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, - And liberty the mustard is of life.[190] - - _Thumb._ Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name? - - _Griz._ Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?[191] - - _Thumb._ The same. - - _Griz._ Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; - For liberty I fight. - - _Thumb._ And I for love. - - [_A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums beating, - trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, They fight off and on - several times. Some fall._ GRIZZLE _and_ GLUMDALCA _remain._ - - _Glum._ Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly. - - _Griz._ Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm. - - _Glum._ Have at thy heart. - - _Griz._ Nay, then I thrust at thine. - - _Glum._ You push too well; you've run me through the body, - And I am dead. - - _Griz._ Then there's an end of one. - - _Thumb._ When thou art dead, then there's an end of two. - Villain.[192] - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Rebel! - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Hell! - - _Griz._ Huncamunca! - - _Thumb._ Thou hast it there. - - _Griz._ Too sure I feel it. - - _Thumb._ To hell then, like a rebel as you are, - And give my service to the rebels there. - - _Griz._ Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy - Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send - My ghost to fetch her to the other world;[193] - It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.[194] - But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:[195] - Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,[196] - And gently whispers it to haste away. - I come, I come, most willingly I come. - So when some city wife, for country air, - To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, - Her to make haste her husband does implore, - And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:" - With equal wish, desirous to be gone, - She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!" - - _Thumb._ With those last words he vomited his soul,[197] - Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.[198] - Bear off the body, and cut off the head, - Which I will to the king in triumph lug. - Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast. - - -SCENE X. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, COURTIERS. - - _King._ Open the prisons, set the wretched free, - And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds - To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day. - Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name![199] - It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it. - By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll, - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down. - Here seated let us view the dancers' sports; - Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day - Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb; - Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,[200] - And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. [_A dance here._ - - _Nood._ Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible--Oh! oh! - Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! - Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! - Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts![201] - - _King._ What does the blockhead mean? - - _Nood._ I mean, my liege, - Only to grace my tale with decent horror.[202] - Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high, - I look'd abroad into the streets below, - I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob; - Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links, - Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs; - Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle; - When of a sudden through the streets there came - A cow, of larger than the usual size, - And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!-- - And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer - Not give three farthings out--hang all the culprits, - Guilty or not--no matter. Kill my cows! - Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys! - Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose, - To rob, impose on, and to kill the world. - - _Nood._ Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. - - _Queen._ Not so much in a swoon but I have still - Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. - [_Kills_ NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Oh! I am slain. - - _Cle._ My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. - [_Kills the_ QUEEN. - - _Hunc._ My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. - [_Kills_ CLEORA. - - _Dood._ This for an old grudge to thy heart. - [_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Must._ And this - I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [_Kills_ DOODLE. - - _King._ Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST. - And take thou this.[203] [_Kills himself, and falls._ - So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards, - Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards, - Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down, - Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown; - So all our pack upon the floor is cast, - And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 65: Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to -fix the action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers have -understood to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, or what -we generally call a fine summer's day: so that, according to this their -exposition, the same months are proper for tragedy which are proper for -pastoral. Most of our celebrated English tragedies, as Cato, Mariamne, -Tamerlane, &c., begin with their observations on the morning. Lee seems -to have come the nearest to this beautiful description of our author's:-- - - "The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson, - The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds - Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends - The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness: - All nature smiles."--"Cæs. Borg." - -Massinissa, in the new Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun:-- - - "The sun too seems - As conscious of my joy, with broader eye - To look abroad the world, and all things smile - Like Sophonisba." - -Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he -may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness:-- - - "The morning rises slow, - And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint - The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if - The horrors of the night had sent 'em back, - To warn the sun he should not leave the sea, - To peep," &c. -] - -[Footnote 66: This line is highly conformable to the beautiful simplicity -of the ancients. It hath been copied by almost every modern:-- - - "Not to be is not to be in woe."--"State of Innocence." - - "Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love."--"Don Sebastian." - - "Nature is nature, Lælius."--"Sophonisba." - - "Men are but men, we did not make ourselves."--"Revenge." -] - -[Footnote 67: Dr. B--y reads. The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr. D--s, The -mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr. T--d reads, Thundering. I think Thomas more -agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.] - -[Footnote 68: That learned historian Mr. S--n, in the third number of his -criticism on our author, takes great pains to explode this passage. "It -is," says he, "difficult to guess what giants are here meant, unless the -giant Despair in the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' or the giant Greatness in the -'Royal Villain;' for I have heard of no other sort of giants in the reign -of king Arthur." Petrus Burmannus makes three Tom Thumbs, one whereof -he supposes to have been the same person whom the Greeks call Hercules; -and that by these giants are to be understood the Centaurs slain by that -hero. Another Tom Thumb he contends to have been no other than the Hermes -Trismegistus of the ancients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the -reign of king Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of -the other two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is -supported by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non -alium quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose -one line of Mr. Midwinter against them all: - - "In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live." - -"But then," says Dr. B--y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of king -Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no -giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his "Fairy Queen," is of another -opinion, where, describing Albion, he says:-- - - "Far within a savage nation dwelt - Of hideous gants." - -And in the same canto:-- - - "Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had - The one of which had two heads-- - The other three." - -Risum teneatis, amici.] - -[Footnote 69: "To whisper in books," says Mr. D--s, "is arrant nonsense." -I am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the -extensive meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood what -is meant by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian Princess, or -what "whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like thunder in another -author, he would have understood this. Emmeline in Dryden sees a voice, -but she was born blind, which is an excuse Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, -who hears a sight: - - "Your description will surpass - All fiction, painting, or dumb show of horror, - That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld." - -When Mr. D--s understands these, he will understand whispering in books.] - -[Footnote 70: - - "Some ruffian stept into his father's place, - And more than half begot him."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 71: - - "For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven, - To civilize this rugged Indian clime."--"Lib. Asserted." -] - -[Footnote 72: "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se majus -continere potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would have -cavilled at these beautiful lines in the "Earl of Essex:" - - "Thy most inveterate soul, - That looks through the foul prison of thy body." - -And at those of Dryden: - - "The palace is without too well design'd; - Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 73: Mr. Banks hath copied this almost verbatim: - - "It was enough to say, here's Essex come, - And nurses still'd their children with the fright."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 74: The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say: -Enter king, which makes Mr. Banks, in one of his plays, call it the -trumpet's formal sound.] - -[Footnote 75: Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted -with king Arthur: - - "Proclaim a festival for seven days' space, - Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre, - Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy; - Let music's care-dispelling voice be heard; - The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet - Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness. - Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast." -] - -[Footnote 76: - - "Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow."--"Sophonisba." - - "Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair."--_Ibid._ - - "A sullen gloom - Scowls on his brow."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 77: Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr. Banks:-- - - "Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 78: These floods are very frequent in the tragic authors:-- - - "Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down, - Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow, - My tears shall swell them up till I will drown."--Lee's "Soph." - - "Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate, - That were the world on fire they might have drown'd - The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin."--"Mithridates." - -One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy: - - "These tears, that sprung from tides of grief, - Are now augmented to a flood of joy."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Another: - - "Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow - In pity's channel."--"Royal Villain." - -One drowns himself: - - "Pity like a torrent pours me down, - Now I am drowning all within a deluge."--"Anna Bullen." - -Cyrus drowns the whole world: - - "Our swelling grief - Shall melt into a deluge, and the world - Shall drown in tears."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 79: An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says -Mr. D--s, yet we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of Mithridates -less properly used, and applied to a more terrible idea: - - "I would be drunk with death."--"Mithridates." - -The author of the new Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and -uses it pretty much to the same purpose:-- - - "The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood - Was drunk." - -I would ask Mr. D--s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or a -drunken sword? - -Mr. Tate dresses up king Arthur's resolution in heroic: - - "Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right, - I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night." - -Lee also uses this charming word: - - "Love's the drunkenness of the mind."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 80: Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly: - - "I'm half-seas o'er in death."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 81: This figure is in great use among the tragedians: - - "'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis."--"Victim." - - "I long, repent, repent, and long again."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 82: A tragical exclamation.] - -[Footnote 83: This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.] - -[Footnote 84: We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated -authors: - - "Each star withdraws - His golden head, and burns within the socket."--"Nero." - - "A soul grown old and sunk into the socket."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 85: This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic -writers of both kinds.] - -[Footnote 86: Mr. Lee hath stolen this thought from our author: - - "This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council, - Which they were long in making."--"Luc. Jun. Brut." - - "At his birth the heavenly council paused, - And then at last cried out, This is a man!" - -Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection: - - "So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd - At their own skill, and cried, A lucky hit - Has mended our design! Their envy hinder'd, - Or you had been immortal, and a pattern, - When Heaven would work for ostentation sake, - To copy out again."--"All for Love." - -Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods: - - "A pattern for the gods to make a man by, - Or Michael Angelo to form a statue." -] - -[Footnote 87: It is impossible, says Mr. W----, sufficiently to admire -this natural easy line.] - -[Footnote 88: This tragedy, which in most points resembles the ancients, -differs from them in this--that it assigns the same honour to lowness -of stature which they did to height. The gods and heroes in Homer and -Virgil are continually described higher by the head than their followers, -the contrary of which is observed by our author. In short, to exceed on -either side is equally admirable; and a man of three foot is as wonderful -a sight as a man of nine.] - -[Footnote 89: - - "My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading - My soul will quickly sink."--"Mithridates." - - "My soul is like a ship."--"Injured Love." -] - -[Footnote 90: This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian -Princess: - - "To be your humblest and most faithful slave." -] - -[Footnote 91: This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in -the "Captives," where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of -leaves:-- - - "Methinks I hear - The sound of feet: - No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs." -] - -[Footnote 92: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the -first page of Love Triumphant.] - -[Footnote 93: Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of -his mistress: - - "While in the lustre of her charms I lay." -] - -[Footnote 94: A tragical phrase much in use.] - -[Footnote 95: This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical -authors, who seem to have rifled it, and share its beauties among them: - - "My soul waits at the portal of thy breast, - To ravish from thy lips the welcome news."--"Anna Bullen." - - "My soul stands list'ning at my ears."--"Cyrus the Great." - - "Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring, - But reason overwinds, and cracks the string."--"D. of Guise." - - "I should have loved - Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it."--"New Sophonisba." - - "And when it (_my heart_) wild resolves to love no more, - Then is the triumph of excessive love."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 96: Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb. - - "Oh! happy, happy, happy!"--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 97: - - "No by myseif."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 98: - - "Who caused - This dreadful revolution in my fate, - Ulamar. Who but a dog--who but a dog?"--"Liberty As." -] - -[Footnote 99: - - "A bride, - Who twenty years lay loving by your side."--Banks. -] - -[Footnote 100: - - "For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall, - And rain down royal vengeance on you all."--"Alb. Queens." -] - -[Footnote 101: An information very like this we have in the tragedy of -Love, where Cyrus, having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares -observes very calmly, "Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved?"] - -[Footnote 102: - - "'Tis in your choice. - Love me, or love me not."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 103: There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what -hath been borrow'd by almost every tragic writer.] - -[Footnote 104: Mr. Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) -imitated this of Grizzle in his Earl of Essex: - - "Where art thou, Essex," &c. -] - -[Footnote 105: The Countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is -apparently acquainted with Dollallolla.] - -[Footnote 106: Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glue of which -Mr. Banks speaks in his Cyrus: - - "I'll glue my ears to every word." -] - -[Footnote 107: - - "Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters, - Are screaming in that voice."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 108: The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a -late ode, called the "Naval Lyrick."] - -[Footnote 109: This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an -idea as were to be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more difficult -to be imagined than a flying fish. Mr. Dryden is of opinion that smiling -is the property of reason, and that no irrational creature can smile: - - "Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move."--"State of Innocence." -] - -[Footnote 110: These lines are written in the same key with those in the -Earl of Essex: - - "Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed - I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true." - -Or with this in Cyrus: - - "The most heroic mind that ever was." - -And with above half of the modern tragedies.] - -[Footnote 111: Aristotle, in that excellent work of his, which is very -justly styled his masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of -art, however coarse or even indecent they may be. Mr. Tate is of the same -opinion. - - "_Bru._ Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about. - Your game flies fair. - - _Fra._ Do not fear it. - He answers you in your hawking phrase."--"In Love." - -I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify Dollallolla -in the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the same line she says -she is speaking to a setting-dog.] - -[Footnote 112: We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King -Arthur: - - "Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates, - Are weighing now within the scales of heaven." - -Also in Sebastian:-- - - "This hour my lot is weighing in the scales." -] - -[Footnote 113: Mr. Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints -from this scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragic -writers, bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I am -unwilling to imagine he would condescend to copy him in this particular.] - -[Footnote 114: This method of surprising an audience, by raising their -expectation to the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been -practised with great success by most of our tragical authors.] - -[Footnote 115: Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress:-- - - "Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts, - Thin hollow sounds and lamentable screams; - Then like a dying echo from afar, - My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda; - Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime." -] - -[Footnote 116: "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says -Mr. D--s. The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the sun's -blushing at any indecent object; and therefore on all such occasions he -addresses himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out of the way. - - "Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail. - Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene."--"Busiris." - - "Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning."--_Ibid._ - -Mr. Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not -likely to be disgusted at such a sight: - - "The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you."--"Mary Queen of - Scots." -] - -[Footnote 117: Neurmahal sends the same message to heaven: - - "For I would have you, when you upwards move, - Speak kindly of us to our friends above."--"Aurengzebe." - -We find another to hell in the Persian Princess: - - "Villain, get thee down - To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun." -] - -[Footnote 118: Anthony gives the same command in the same words.] - -[Footnote 119: - - "Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou, Marius?"--Otway's "Marius." -] - -[Footnote 120: Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; -such as-- - - "Haughty weakness."--"Victim." - - "Great small world."--"Noah's Flood." -] - -[Footnote 121: Lee hath improved this metaphor: - - "Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes, - The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee? - So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise, - When they some young triumpher fain would see."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 122: Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetities: - - "To eat and drink can no perfection be.--"Conquest of Granada." - -The Earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the chief -happiness of a general therein: - - "Were but commanders half so well rewarded, - Then they might eat."--Banks's "Earl of Essex." - -But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil himself, -we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is generally -imagined: - - "Gods are immortal only by their food."-- - -"Lucifer, in the State of Innocence."] - -[Footnote 123: "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr. D., -"utterly to destroy the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman of -no abandoned character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus excusing -herself: - - "To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride, - Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it, - But Nature does not. When we are athirst, - Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay, - Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?"-- - "Cleomenes." - -Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. Cassandra -speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her father.] - -[Footnote 124: - - "Her eyes resistless magic bear: - Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there,"--Lee's "Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 125: Mr. Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty -Asserted, which is thought to have given so great a stroke to the late -French king, hath frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king -Arthur: - - "Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm." - "Joy lighten'd in her eyes." - "Joys like light'ning dart along my soul." -] - -[Footnote 126: - - "Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then - Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 127: This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr. W----, to be -written in gold, is imitated in the New Sophonisba: - - "Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh! - Oh! Narva; Narva, oh!" - -The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it: - - "Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas!" - -Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two meanings in -the repeated words.] - -[Footnote 128: Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the -same familiar language: - - "Your grace is full of game." -] - -[Footnote 129: - - "Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky, - Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie, - And press her soul while gods stand wishing by."--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 130: - - "Let the four winds from distant corners meet, - And on their wings first bear it into France; - Then back again to Edina's proud walls, - Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls."--"Albion Queens." -] - -[Footnote 131: I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic -poets as those borrowed from riding post. - - "The gods and opportunity ride post."--"Hannibal." - - "Let's rush together, - For death rides post."--"Duke of Guise." - - "Destruction gallops to thy murder post."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 132: This image, too, very often occurs: - - "Bright as when thy eye - First lighted up our loves."--"Aurengzebe." - - "'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 133: There is great dissension among the poets concerning the -method of making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was made -in being lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in Dryden, gives -a merry description of his own formation: - - "Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd, - But threw me in for number to the rest."--"State of Innocence." - -In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal: - - "I was form'd - Of that coarse metal which, when she was made, - The gods threw by for rubbish."--"All for Love." - -In another of dough: - - "When the gods moulded up the paste of man, - Some of their clay was left upon their hands. - And so they made Egyptians."--"Cleomenes." - -In another of clay: - - "Rubbish of remaining clay."--Sebastian." - -One makes the soul of wax: - - "Her waxen soul begins to melt apace."--"Anna Bullen." - -Another of flint: - - "Sure our souls have somewhere been acquainted - In former beings, or, struck out together, - One spark to Afric flew, and one to Portugal."--"Sebastian." - -To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls which are -so plenty in modern authors--I cannot omit the dress of a soul as we find -it in Dryden: - - "Souls shirted but with air."--"King Arthur." - -Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of -description in the New Sophonisba. - - "Ye mysterious powers, - Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander, - Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm, - The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds - Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy." -] - -[Footnote 134: This line Mr. Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna -Bullen.] - -[Footnote 135: - - "Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay, - But to tear out the journal of that day. - Or, if the order of the world below - Will not the gap of one whole day allow, - Give me that minute when she made her vow."-- - - "Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 136: I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr. -Dryden, in the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a scene -which Mr. Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is much -beholden to our author. How just this their observation is I will not -presume to determine.] - -[Footnote 137: "A cobbling poet indeed," says Mr. D.; and yet I believe -we may find as monstrous images in the tragic authors. I'll put down -one: "Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a bride's -hair."--"Injured Love." - -Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our -author's to a shoemaker's.] - -[Footnote 138: Mr. L---- takes occasion in this place to commend the -great care of our author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which -Shakespeare, Jonson, and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and the -moderns, in imitation of our author, so laudably observant: - - "Then does - Your majesty believe that he can be - A traitor?"--"Earl of Essex." - -Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence.] - -[Footnote 139: - - "Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind."--"Aurengzebe." - - "Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 140: - - "With such a furious tempest on his brow, - As if the world's four winds were pent within - His blustering carcase."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 141: Verba Tragica.] - -[Footnote 142: This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.] - -[Footnote 143: - - "My life is worn to rags, - Not worth a prince's wearing"--"Love Triumphant." -] - -[Footnote 144: - - "Must I beg the pity of my slave? - Must a king beg? But love's a greater king, - A tryant, nay, a devil, that possesses me. - He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks, - Unknown to me, within me."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 145: - - "When thou wert form'd heaven did a man begin; - But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 146: - - "I am a multitude - Of walking griefs."--"New Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 147: - - "I will take thy scorpion blood, - And lay it to my grief till I have ease."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 148: Our author, who everywhere shows his great penetration -into human nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet -would have raised a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the -passions better, and that so violent an affection as this must be too big -for utterance, chooses rather to send his characters off in this sullen -and doleful manner, in which admirable conduct he is imitated by the -author of the justly celebrated Eurydice. Dr. Young seems to point at -this violence of passion: - - "Passion chokes - Their words, and they're the statues of despair." - -And Seneca tells us, "Curæ leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The -story of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to be -inserted; I refer the more curious reader to the excellent Montaigne, who -hath written an essay on this subject.] - -[Footnote 149: - - "To part is death. - 'Tis death to part. - Ah! - Oh!"--"Don Carlos." -] - -[Footnote 150: - - "Nor know I whether - What am I, who, or where."--"Busiris." - - "I was I know not what, and am I know not how."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 151: To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it -will be necessary that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I -shall not attempt to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make so -plainly evident. - -One runs away from the other: - - "Let me demand your majesty, - Why fly you from yourself?"--"Duke of Guise." - -In a second, one self is a guardian to the other: - - "Leave me the care of me."--"Conquest of Granada." - -Again: - - "Myself am to myself less near."--_Ibid._ - -In the same, the first self is proud of the second: - - "I myself am proud of me."--"State of Innocence." - -In a third, distrustful of him: - - "Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear. - That none besides might hear, nay, not myself."--"Earl of Essex." - -In a fourth, honours him: - - "I honour Rome, - And honour too myself."--"Sophonisba." - -In a fifth, at variance with him: - - "Leave me not thus at variance with myself."--"Busiris." - -Again, in a sixth: - - "I find myself divided from myself."--"Medea." - - "She seemed the sad effigies of herself."--Banks. - - "Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be - The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me."--"Alb. Q." - -From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom -Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented by -men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise.] - -[Footnote 152: Mr. F. imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one, from -his simile.] - -[Footnote 153: Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom: - - "Great nature, break thy chain that links together - The fabric of the world, and make a chaos - Like that within my soul."--"Love Triumphant." - "Startle Nature, unfix the globe, - And hurl it from its axletree and hinges."--"Albion Queens." - - "The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props." -] - -[Footnote 154: - - "D--n your delay, ye torturers, proceed: - I will not hear one word but Almahide."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 155: Mr. Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.] - -[Footnote 156: This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba. - - "And on her ample brow - Sat majesty." -] - -[Footnote 157: - - "Your ev'ry answer still so ends in that, - You force me still to answer you, Morat."--"Aurengzebe. -] - -[Footnote 158: - - "Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 159: "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says -Mr. D--s. And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous -Panthea, in Cyrus, hath a heart every whit as ample: - - "For two I must confess are gods to me, - Which is my Abradatus first, and thee."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so -intelligible: - - "I am so divided, - That I grieve most for both, and love both most." -] - -[Footnote 160: A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the -great and extensive largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not so to -those who consider the great expansion of immaterial substance. Mr. Banks -makes one soul to be so expanded, that heaven could not contain it. - - "The heavens are all too narrow for her soul."--"Virtue Betrayed." - -The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this: - - "We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves, - Shall glut hell's empty regions." - -This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, only -to fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full.] - -[Footnote 161: Mr. Addison is generally thought to have had this simile -in his eye when he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third act -of his Cato.] - -[Footnote 162: This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does -honour to the English language: - - "Between two stools the breech falls to the ground." - -I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as -with those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down -to us under the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead of -filling their pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our modern -poets would think it worth their while to enrich their works with the -proverbial sayings of their ancestors. Mr. Dryden hath chronicled one in -heroic: - - "Two ifs scarce make one possibility."--"Conq. of Granada." - -My Lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and sciences -might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I am of -the same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least I am -confident that a more perfect system of ethics, as well as economy, might -be compiled out of them than is at present extant, either in the works of -the ancient philosophers, or those more valuable, as more voluminous ones -of the modern divines.] - -[Footnote 163: Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls -short of the ancients, there is none so much to be lamented as the great -scarcity of ghosts. Whence this proceeds I will not presume to determine. -Some are of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that sublime language -which a ghost ought to speak. One says, ludicrously, that ghosts are -out of fashion; another, that they are properer for comedy; forgetting, -I suppose, that Aristotle hath told us that a ghost is the soul of -tragedy; for so I render the [Greek: psychê ho mythos tês tragôdias], -which M. Dacier, amongst others, hath mistaken; I suppose misled by not -understanding the Fabula of the Latins, which signifies a ghost as well -as fable. - - "Te premet nox, fabulæque manes."--Horace. - -Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned -and judicious foreign critic gives the preference to this of our author. -These are his words, speaking of this tragedy:--"Nec quidquam in illâ -admirabilius quàm phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus aliis spectris, -quibuscum scatet Angelorum tragoedia, longè (pace D--ysii V. Doctiss. -dixerim) prætulerim."] - -[Footnote 164: We have already given instances of this figure.] - -[Footnote 165: Almanzor reasons in the same manner: - - "A ghost I'll be; - And from a ghost, you know, no place is free."--"Conq. of Gran."] - -[Footnote 166: "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr. D., -"would have picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to show not only -bad in itself, but doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in -that excellent play of Liberty Asserted, we find something very much -resembling a pun in the mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the -lover she is fond of: - - "_Ul._ Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell. - - _Irene._ The gods have given to others to fare well, - O! miserably must Irene fare." - -Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn -occasion--that of sacrificing his daughter: - - "Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest; - Yes, you must offer up your--vows for Greece." -] - -[Footnote 167: - - "I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light, - Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there. - And make thee groan thyself away to air."--"Conq. of Gran." - - "Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 168: - - "So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast, - I thought what was the courage of a ghost."--"Conq. of Gran." - -King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most -heroically: "In spite of ghosts I'll on."] - -[Footnote 169: The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, -and is therefore worth reading: - - "Ah, Cyrus! - Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air, - As think of touching my immortal shade."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 170: - - "Thou better part of heavenly air."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 171: "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in -the cabinet of a prince."] - -[Footnote 172: This passage hath been understood several different ways -by the commentators. For my part I find it difficult to understand it at -all. Mr. Dryden says-- - - "I've heard something how two bodies meet, - But how two souls join I know not." - -So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be -difficult to understand how it is possible to run him through it.] - -[Footnote 173: Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollalolla: - - "I never durst in darkness be alone."--"Ind. Emp." -] - -[Footnote 174: - - "Think well of this, think that, think every way."--"Sophon." -] - -[Footnote 175: These quotations are more usual in the comic than in the -tragic writers.] - -[Footnote 176: "This distress," says Mr. D--, "I must allow to be -extremely beautiful, and tends to heighten the virtuous character of -Dollallolla, who is so exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest -apprehension from the inanimate embrace of a bolster. An example worthy -of imitation for all our writers of tragedy."] - -[Footnote 177: - - "Credat Judæus Appella, - Non ego," - -says Mr. D. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, can -we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow--I say again a little -insignificant fellow--able to vie with a strength which all the Samsons -and Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I shall refer -this incredulous critic to Mr. Dryden's defence of his Almanzor; and, -lest that should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few lines from the -speech of a much braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr. Johnson's Achilles: - - "Though human race rise in embattled hosts, - To force her from my arms--Oh! son of Atreus! - By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit - Informs this earth, I will oppose them all."--"Victim." -] - -[Footnote 178: "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr. D., -"but never of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never heard of -sailing with wings, which he may read in no less a poet than Mr. Dryden: - - "Unless we borrow wings and sail through air."--"Love Triumphant. - -What will he say to a kneeling valley? - - "I'll stand - Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee - To some aspiring mountain."--"Injured Love." - -I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an epithet -in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not we read in -the New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white occasions, -and blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but sometimes -half a sentence is put by way of expletive, as "Beauty pointed high -with spirit," in the same play; and "In the lap of blessing, to be most -curst," in the Revenge.] - -[Footnote 179: A victory like that of Almanzor: - -"Almanzor is victorious without fight."--"Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 180: - - "Well have we chose an happy day for fight; - For every man, in course of time, has found - Some days are lucky, some unfortunate."--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 181: We read of such another in Lee: - - "Teach his rude wit a flight she never made, - And send her post to the Elysian shade."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 182: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.] - -[Footnote 183: "Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud."--"Conquest of -Granada."] - -[Footnote 184: - - "Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, - Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, - Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, - Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall."--"Female Warrior." -] - -[Footnote 185: See the History of Tom Thumb, p. 141.] - -[Footnote 186: - - "Amazement swallows up my sense, - And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate - Drinks down my reason."--"Persian Princess." -] - -[Footnote 187: - - "I have outfaced myself. - What! am I two? Is there another me?"--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 188: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most -so in this prophetic part. We find several of these prophecies in the -tragic authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment -to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but our author -(who seems to have detested the least appearance of flattery) would have -passed by such an opportunity of being a political prophet.] - -[Footnote 189: "I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw -him."--"Busiris." In both which places it is intimated that it is -sometimes possible to see with other eyes than your own.] - -[Footnote 190: "This mustard," says Mr. D., "is enough to turn one's -stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head -when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of -Mr. Dennis: - - "And gave him liberty, the salt of life."--"Liberty Asserted." - -The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.] - -[Footnote 191: - - "_Han_, Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call? - - _Scip._ Are you the much more famous Hannibal?"--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 192: Dr Young seems to have copied this engagement in his -Busiris: - - _Myr._ Villain! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Rebel! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Hell! - - _Mem._ Mandane! -] - -[Footnote 193: This last speech of my Lord Grizzle hath been of great -service to our poets: - - "I'll hold it fast - As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; - And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, - I'll send my ghost and fetch it back again."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 194: - - "My soul should with such speed obey, - It should not bait at heaven to stop its way." -] - -[Footnote 195: Lee seems to have had this last in his eye: - - "'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there: - I would but go to heaven to take the air."--"Gloriana." - - "A rising vapour rumbling in my brains."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 196: - - "Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul, - To tell me fate's at hand." -] - -[Footnote 197: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when -he says: - - "My soul is packing up, and just on wing."--"Conq. of Gran." - "And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 198: - - "The devil swallows vulgar souls - Like whipt cream."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 199: - - "How I could curse my name of Ptolemy! - It is so long, it asks an hour to write it. - By heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars! - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my hand."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 200: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by -which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or -to insinuate that men in the honeymoon are apt to imagine time shorter -than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the -Coffee-House Politician: - - "We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow." -] - -[Footnote 201: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single -speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.] - -[Footnote 202: - - "I was but teaching him to grace his tale - With decent horror."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 203: We may say with Dryden: - - "Death did at length so many slain forget, - And left the tale, and took them by the great." - -I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody -catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal -characters dead on the stage. These lines too-- - - "I ask'd no questions then, of who kill'd who? - The bodies tell the story as they lie--" - -seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can -I help imagining they were originally his. The Rival Ladies, too, seem -beholden to this scene: - - "We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death; - Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her, - And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo, - As I on Angelina." - -No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was -applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was -very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This -I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which -remains among us, and which Mr. Dryden, in his essay on Dramatic Poetry, -hath observed. "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself -into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know -not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror -to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in -this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French -have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily -exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so entirely -clear.] - - - - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS: - -THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D BY ANY COMPANY OF -TRAGEDIANS. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, _King of Queerummania_. - BOMBARDINIAN, _his General_. - ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO, - RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS, [_Courtiers_. - _Captain of the Guards._ - _Herald._ - _Cook._ - _Doctor._ - _King of the Fiddlers._ - _King of the Antipodes._ - FADLADINIDA, _Queen of Queerummania_. - TATLANTHE, _her favourite_. - _Two Ladies of the Court._ - _Two Ladies of Pleasure._ - VENUS. - CUPID. - Guards and Attendants, &c. - - SCENE.--QUEERUMMANIA. - - -PROLOGUE. - - To night our comic muse the buskin wears, - And gives herself no small romantic airs; - Struts in heroics, and in pompous verse - Does the minutest incidents rehearse; - In ridicule's strict retrospect displays - The poetasters of these modern days: - Who with big bellowing bombast rend our ears, - Which, stript of sound, quite void of sense appears; - Or else their fiddle-faddle numbers flow, - Serenely dull, elaborately low. - Either extreme, when vain pretenders take, - The actor suffers for the author's sake. - The quite-tir'd audience lose whole hours; yet pay - To go unpleas'd and unimprov'd away. - This being our scheme, we hope you will excuse - The wild excursion of the wanton muse - Who out of frolic wears a mimic mask, - And sets herself so whimsical a task: - 'Tis meant to please, but if should offend, - It's very short, and soon will have an end. - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber in the Palace._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Rig-Fun._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio! - Where left you Chrononhotonthologos? - - _Aldi._ Fatigu'd with the tremendous toils of war, - Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, - Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers, - Lull'd by the cheerful trumpets gladsome clangour, - The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, - He sleeps supine amidst the din of war. - And yet 'tis not definitively sleep; - Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber, - That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses; - For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; - Then nods and snores again. If this be sleep, - Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake! - What says my friend to this? - - _Rig.-Fun._ Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: What a plague - would you have me say? - - _Aldi._ O impious thought! O curst insinuation! - As if great Chrononhotonthologos - To animals detestable and vile - Had aught the least similitude! - - _Rig._ My dear friend! you entirely misapprehend me: I - did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you - that the soldiers have just now receiv'd their pay, and are all as - drunk as so many swabbers. - - _Aldi._ Give orders instantly that no more money - Be issued to the troops. Meantime, my friend, - Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, - To stupefy their souls into sobriety. - - _Rig._ I fancy you had better banish the sutlers, and blow the - Geneva casks to the devil. - - _Aldi._ Thou counsel'st well, my Rigdum-Funnidos, - And reason seems to father thy advice. - But soft!--The king in pensive contemplation - Seems to resolve on some important doubt; - His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric, - Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy, - And makes his tongue the midwife of his mind. - Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. - [_They retire._ - -_Enter_ KING. - - _King._ This god of sleep is watchful to torment me, - And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes: - Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos, - Thou idle slumb'rer, thou detested Somnus: - For if thou dost, by all the waking pow'rs, - I'll tear thine eyeballs from their leaden sockets, - And force thee to outstare eternity. [_Exit in a huff._ - -_Re-enter_ RIGDUM _and_ ALDIBORONTI. - - _Rig._ The king is in a most vile passion! Pray who is this - Mr. Somnus he's so angry withal? - - _Aldi._ The son of Chaos and of Erebus. - Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, - Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue, - Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; - Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, - Brings downy slumbers and refreshing sleep. - - _Rig-Fun._ This gentleman may come of a very good family, - for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the king his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immers'd - In cogibundity of cogitation: - Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, - Till apt attention tell our heart the purport - Of this profound profundity of thought. - -_Re-enter_ KING, NOBLES, _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c._ - - _King._ It is resolv'd. Now, Somnus, I defy thee, - And from mankind ampute thy curs'd dominion. - These royal eyes thou never more shalt close. - Henceforth let no man sleep, on pain of death: - Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry - Keep all mankind eternally awake. - Bid Harlequino decorate the stage - With all magnificence of decoration: - Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pigmies, - Songs, dances, music in its amplest order, - Mimes, pantomimes, and all the magic motion - Of scene deceptiosive and sublime. [_The flat scene draws._ - -[_The_ KING _is seated, and a grand pantomime entertainment is performed, -in the midst of which enters a_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD. - - _Capt._ To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos! - Th' antipodean pow'rs from realms below - Have burst the solid entrails of the earth; - Gushing such cataracts of forces forth, - This world is too incopious to contain 'em: - Armies on armies, march in form stupendous; - Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank, - But tier o'er tier, high pil'd from earth to heaven; - A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, - Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin, - Has laid your royal citadel in ashes. - - _King._ Peace, coward! were they wedg'd like golden ingots, - Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum; - One look from Crononhotonthologos - Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funnidos, - Bid Bombardinion draw his legions forth, - And meet us in the plains of Queerummania. - This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him; - Meantime, bid all the priests prepare their temples - For rites of triumph: let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation, outvociferize - Ev'n sound itself. So be it as we have order'd. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A magnificent Apartment._ - -_Enter_ QUEEN, TATLANTHE, _and two_ LADIES. - - _Queen._ Day's curtain drawn, the morn begins to rise, - And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes: - The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks, - In baas harmonious warble thro' the rocks: - Night gathers up her shades in sable shrouds, - And whispering osiers tattle to the clouds. - What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill, - At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille? - - _Tat._ Your majesty was pleas'd to order tea. - - _Queen._ My mind is alter'd; bring some ratifia. - [_They are served round with a dram._ - I have a famous fiddler sent from France. - Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance? - - _Enter_ FIDDLER. - - _Fid._ Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse, - Would you a solo or sonata choose; - Or bold concerto or soft Sicilinia, - Alla Francese overo in Gusto Romano? - When you command, 'tis done as soon as spoke. - - _Queen._ A civil fellow! Play us the "Black Joak." - [_Music plays._ - [QUEEN _and_ LADIES _dance the_ - "Black Joak." - - So much for dancing; now let's rest a while. - Bring in the tea-things. Does the kettle boil? - - _Tat._ The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip, - Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. - [_Tea brought in._ - - _Queen._ Come, ladies, will you please to choose your tea; - Or green imperial, or Pekoe Bohea? - - _1st Lady._ Never, no, never sure on earth was seen, - So gracious sweet and affable a queen. - - _2nd Lady._ She is an angel. - - _1st Lady._ She's a goddess rather. - - _Tat._ She's angel, queen, and goddess, altogether. - - _Queen._ Away! you flatter me. - - _1st Lady._ We don't indeed: - Your merit does our praise by far exceed. - - _Queen._ You make me blush; pray help me to a fan. - - _1st Lady._ That blush becomes you. - - _Tat._ Would I were a man. - - _Queen._ I'll hear no more of these fantastic airs. - [_Bell rings._ - The bell rings in. Come, ladies, let's to pray'rs. - [_They dance off._ - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - -_Rig._ Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would have thought -that Chrononhotonthologos should beat that mortal sight of Tippodeans? -Why, there's not a mother's child of them to be seen, egad, they footed -it away as fast as their hands could carry 'em; but they have left their -king behind 'em. We have him safe, that's one comfort. - - _Aldi._ Would he were still at amplest liberty. - For, oh! my dearest Rigdum-Funnidos; - I have a riddle to unriddle to thee, - Shall make thee stare thyself into a statue. - Our queen's in love with this Antipodean. - - _Rigdum._ The devil she is? Well, I see mischief is going - forward with a vengeance. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the conq'ror comes all crown'd with conquest! - A solemn triumph graces his return. - Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion, - To greet the victor, in his flow of glory. - - [_A grand triumph._] - -_Enter_ CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, GUARDS _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c., met by_ -RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Aldi._ All hail to Chrononhotonthologos! - Thrice trebly welcome to your royal subjects. - Myself, and faithful Rigdum-Funnidos, - Lost in a labyrinth of love and loyalty, - Entreat you to inspect our inmost souls, - And read in them what tongue can never utter. - - _Chro._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio, - To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos, - Our gratulations flow in streams unbounded: - Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty, - Which shall with inter'st be repaid ere long. - But where's our queen? where's Fadladinida? - She should be foremost in the gladsome train, - To grace our triumph; but I see she slights me. - This haughty queen shall be no longer mine, - I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. - -_Rig._ Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a swinging lie to bring the -queen off, and I'll run with it to her this minute, that we may be all in -a story. Say she has got the thorough-go-nimble. - - [_Whispers, and steals off._ - - _Aldi._ Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos, - In accents so injuriously severe - Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen: - By me she sends an embassy of love, - Sweet blandishments and kind congratulations, - But cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself. - - _King._ Our rage is turn'd to fear: what ails the queen? - - _Aldi._ A sudden diarrhoea's rapid force, - So stimulates the peristaltic motion, - That she by far out-does her late out-doing, - And all conclude her royal life in danger. - - _King._ Bid the physicians of the world assemble - In consultation, solemn and sedate: - More, to corroborate their sage resolves, - Call from their graves the learned men of old: - Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus; - Doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, chemists, - All! all! attend; and see they bring their med'cines, - Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums, - Materializ'd in pharmaceutic order. - The man that cures our queen shall have our empire. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A Garden._ - -_Enter_ TATLANTHE _and_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Heigh ho! my heart! - - _Tat._ What ails my gracious queen? - - _Queen._ Oh, would to Venus I had never seen! - - _Tat._ Seen what, my royal mistress? - - _Queen._ Too, too much! - - _Tat._ Did it affright you? - - _Queen._ No, 'tis nothing such. - - _Tat._ What was it, madam? - - _Queen._ Really I don't know. - - _Tat._ It must be something! - - _Queen._ No! - - _Tat._ Or nothing! - - _Queen._ No. - - _Tat._ Then I conclude, of course, since it was neither, - Nothing and something jumbled well together. - - _Queen._ Oh! my Tatlanthe, have you never seen! - - _Tat._ Can I guess what, unless you tell, my queen? - - _Queen._ The king I mean. - - _Tat._ Just now return'd from war: - He rides like Mars in his triumphal car. - Conquest precedes with laurels in his hand; - Behind him Fame does on her tripos stand; - Her golden trump shrill thro' the air she sounds, - Which rends the earth, and then to heaven rebounds; - Trophies and spoils innumerable grace - This triumph, which all triumphs does deface: - Haste then, great queen! your hero thus to meet, - Who longs to lay his laurels at your feet. - - _Queen._ Art mad, Tatlanthe? I meant no such thing. - Your talk's distasteful. - - _Tat._ Didn't you name the king? - - _Queen._ I did, Tatlanthe, but it was not thine; - The charming king I mean is only mine. - - _Tat._ Who else, who else, but such a charming fair, - In Chrononhotonthologos should share? - The queen of beauty, and the god of arms, - In him and you united blend their charms. - Oh! had you seen him, how he dealt out death, - And at one stroke robb'd thousands of their breath: - While on the slaughter'd heaps himself did rise, - In pyramids of conquest to the skies. - The gods all hail'd, and fain would have him stay; - But your bright charms have call'd him thence away. - - _Queen._ This does my utmost indignation raise: - You are too pertly lavish in his praise. - Leave me for ever! [TATLANTHE _kneeling._ - - _Tat._ Oh! what shall I say? - Do not, great queen, your anger thus display! - Oh, frown me dead! let me not live to hear - My gracious queen and mistress so severe! - I've made some horrible mistake, no doubt; - Oh! tell me what it is! - - _Queen._ No, find it out. - - _Tat._ No, I will never leave you; here I'll grow - Till you some token of forgiveness show. - Oh! all ye powers above, come down, come down! - And from her brow dispel that angry frown. - - _Queen._ Tatlanthe, rise, you have prevail'd at last; - Offend no more, and I'll excuse what's past. - [TATLANTHE _aside, rising._ - -_Tat._ Why, what a fool was I, not to perceive her passion for the -topsy-turvy king--the gentleman that carries his head where his heels -should be! But I must tack about, I see. - -_To the_ QUEEN. - - Excuse me, gracious madam, if my heart - Bears sympathy with yours in every part; - With you alike, I sorrow and rejoice, - Approve your passion, and commend your choice; - The captive king. - - _Queen._ That's he! that's he! that's he! - I'd die ten thousand deaths to set him free. - Oh! my Tatlanthe! have you seen his face, - His air, his shape, his mien, his ev'ry grace? - In what a charming attitude he stands, - How prettily he foots it with his hands! - Well, to his arms, no to his legs I fly, - For I must have him, if I live or die. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Bedchamber._ - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS _asleep._ - - [_Rough music, viz., salt-boxes and rolling-pins, gridirons and - tongs; sow-gelders' horns, marrowbones and cleavers, &c. &c. He - wakes._ - - _Chro._ What heav'nly sounds are these that charm my ears! - Sure 'tis the music of the tuneful spheres. - -_Enter_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. - - _Cap._ A messenger from Gen'ral Bombardinion - Craves instant audience of your majesty. - - _Chro._ Give him admittance. - -_Enter_ HERALD. - - _Her._ Long life to Chrononhotonthologos! - Your faithful Gen'ral Bombardinion - Sends you his tongue, transplanted in my mouth, - To pour his soul out in your royal ears. - - _Chro._ Then use thy master's tongue with reverence. - Nor waste it in thine own loquacity, - But briefly and at large declare thy message. - - _Her._ Suspend awhile, great Chrononhotonthologos, - The fate of empires and the toils of war; - And in my tent let's quaff Falernian wine - Till our souls mount and emulate the gods. - Two captive females, beauteous as the morn, - Submissive to your wishes, court your option. - Haste then, great king, to bless us with your presence. - Our scouts already watch the wish'd approach, - Which shall be welcom'd by the drums' dread rattle, - The cannons' thunder, and the trumpets' blast; - While I, in front of mighty myrmidons, - Receive my king in all the pomp of war. - - _Chro._ Tell him I come; my flying steed prepare; - Ere thou art half on horseback I'll be there. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Prison._ - -_The King of the Antipodes discover'd sleeping on a couch. Enter_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Is this a place, oh! all ye gods above, - This a reception for the man I love? - See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps, - While Nature's self at his confinement weeps. - Rise, lovely monarch! see your friend appear, - No Chrononhotonthologos is here; - Command your freedom, by this sacred ring; - Then command me. What says my charming king? - - [_She puts the ring in his mouth, he bends the - sea-crab, and makes a roaring noise._ - - _Queen._ What can this mean! he lays his feet at mine: - Is this of love or hate, his country's sign? - Ah! wretched queen! how hapless is thy lot, - To love a man that understands thee not! - Oh! lovely Venus, goddess all divine! - And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine, - Assist, assist me, with your sacred art, - And teach me to obtain this stranger's heart. - -VENUS _descends in her chariot, and sings._ - -AIR. - - _Ven._ See Venus does attend thee, - My dilding, my dolding. - Love's goddess will befriend thee, - Lily bright and shiny. - With pity and compassion. - My dilding, my dolding, - She sees thy tender passion, - Lily, &c. _Da capo._ - - _Air changes._ - - To thee I yield my pow'r divine, - Dance over the Lady Lee, - Demand whate'er thou wilt, 'tis thine, - My gay lady. - Take this magic wand in hand, - Dance, &c. - All the world's at thy command, - My gay, &c. _Da capo_. - -CUPID _descends and sings._ - -AIR. - - Are you a widow, or are you a wife? - Gilly-flow'r, gentle rosemary. - Or are you a maiden, so fair and so bright? - As the dew that flies over the mulberry-tree. - - _Queen._ Would I were a widow, as I am a wife, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - But I'm to my sorrow, a maiden as bright, - As the dew, &c. - - _Cupid._ You shall be a widow before it is night, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - No longer a maiden so fair and so bright, - As the dew, &c. - Two jolly young husbands your favour shall share, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - And twenty fine babies all lovely and fair, - As the dew, &c. - - _Queen._ O thanks, Mr. Cupid! for this your good news, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - What woman alive would such favours refuse? - While the dew, &c. - - [VENUS _and_ CUPID _re-ascend; the_ QUEEN _goes off, and the King - of the Antipodes follows, walking on his hands. Scene closes._ - - -SCENE.--BOMBARDINION'S _Tent._ - -KING _and_ BOMBARDINION, _at a table, with two Ladies._ - - _Bomb._ This honour, royal sir! so royalizes - The royalty of your most royal actions, - The dumb can only utter forth your praise; - For we, who speak, want words to tell our meaning. - Here! fill the goblet with Falernian wine, - And, while our monarch drinks, bid the shrill trumpet - Tell all the gods, that we propine their healths. - - _King._ Hold, Bombardinion, I esteem it fit, - With so much wine, to eat a little bit. - - _Bomb._ See that the table instantly be spread, - With all that art and nature can produce. - Traverse from pole to pole; sail round the globe, - Bring every eatable that can be eat: - The king shall eat; tho' all mankind be starv'd. - - _Cook._ I am afraid his majesty will be starv'd, before I can - run round the world, for a dinner; besides, where's the money? - - _King._ Ha! dost thou prattle, contumacious slave? - Guards, seize the villain? broil him, fry him, stew him; - Ourselves shall eat him out of mere revenge. - - _Cook._ O pray, your majesty, spare my life; there's some nice - cold pork in the pantry: I'll hash it for your majesty in a - minute. - - _King._ Be thou first hash'd in hell, audacious slave. - - [_Kills him, and turns to_ BOMBARDINION. - - Hash'd pork! shall Chrononhotonthologos - Be fed with swine's flesh, and at second-hand? - Now, by the gods! thou dost insult us, general! - - _Bomb._ The gods can witness, that I little thought - Your majesty to other flesh than this - Had aught the least propensity. [_Points to the ladies._ - - _King._ Is this a dinner for a hungry monarch? - - _Bomb._ Monarchs, as great as Chrononhotonthologos, - Have made a very hearty meal of worse. - - _King_ Ha! traitor! dost thou brave me to my teeth? - Take this reward, and learn to mock thy master. - [_Strikes him._ - - _Bomb._ A blow! shall Bombardinion take a blow? - Blush! blush, thou sun! start back thou rapid ocean! - Hills! vales! seas! mountains! all commixing crumble, - And into chaos pulverize the world; - For Bombardinion has receiv'd a blow, - And Chrononhotonthologos shall die. [_Draws._ - - [_The women run off, crying, "Help! Murder!" &c._ - - _King._ What means the traitor? - - _Bomb._ Traitor in thy teeth, - Thus I defy thee! - [_They fight, he kills the King._ - - Ha! what have I done? - Go, call a coach, and let a coach be call'd; - And let the man that calls it be the caller; - And, in his calling, let him nothing call, - But coach! coach! coach! Oh! for a coach, ye gods! - [_Exit raving._ - - _Returns with a_ DOCTOR. - - _Bomb._ How fares your majesty? - - _Doct._ My lord, he's dead. - - _Bomb._ Ha! dead! impossible! it cannot be! - I'd not believe it, tho' himself should swear it. - Go join his body to his soul again, - Or, by this light, thy soul shall quit thy body. - - _Doct._ My lord, he's far beyond the power of physic, - His soul has left his body and this world. - - _Bomb._ Then go to t'other world and fetch it back. - [_Kills him._ - - And, if I find thou triflest with me there, - I'll chase thy shade through myriads of orbs, - And drive thee far beyond the verge of Nature. - Ha!--Call'st thou, Chrononhotonthologos? - I come! your faithful Bombardinion comes! - He comes in worlds unknown to make new wars, - And gain thee empires num'rous as the stars. - - [_Kills himself._ - - _Enter_ QUEEN _and others._ - - _Aldi._ O horrid! horrible, and horrid'st horror! - Our king! our general! our cook! our doctor! - All dead! stone dead! irrevocably dead! - O----h!---- [_All groan, a tragedy groan._ - - _Queen._ My husband dead! ye gods! what is't you mean, - To make a widow of a virgin queen? - For, to my great misfortune, he, poor king, - Has left me so; aint that a wretched thing? - - _Tat._ Why then, dear madam, make me no farther pother, - Were I your majesty, I'd try another. - - _Queen._ I think 'tis best to follow thy advice. - - _Tat._ I'll fit you with a husband in a trice: - Here's Rigdum-Funnidos, a proper man; - If any one can please a queen, he can. - - _Rig-Fun._ Ay, that I can, and please your majesty. - So, ceremonies apart, let's proceed to business. - - _Queen_. Oh! but the mourning takes up all my care, - I'm at a loss what kind of weeds to wear. - - _Rig-Fun_. Never talk of mourning, madam, - One ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow, - Take me at once, and let us wed to-morrow. - I'll make thee a great man, my little Phoscophorny. - [_To_ ALDI, _aside_. - - _Aldi_. I scorn your bounty; I'll be king, or nothing. - Draw, miscreant! draw! - - _Rig_. No, sir, I'll take the law. - [_Runs behind the_ QUEEN. - - _Queen_. Well, gentlemen, to make the matter easy, - I'll have you both; and that, I hope, will please ye. - And now, Tatlanthe, thou art all my care: - Where shall I find thee such another pair? - Pity that you, who've serv'd so long, so well, - Should die a virgin, and lead apes in hell. - Choose for yourself, dear girl, our empire round, - Your portion is twelve hundred thousand pound. - - _Aldi_. Here! take these dead and bloody corps away; - Make preparation for our wedding day. - Instead of sad solemnity, and black, - Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack. - - - - - _The next piece is taken from successive numbers of_ THE - ANTI-JACOBIN, _which was planned by_ Canning, _and of which the - first number appeared on the_ 20_th of November_, 1797_. "_The - Rovers, or the Double Arrangement_," _was the joint work of_ George - Canning, George Ellis, _and_ John Hookham Frere. - - - - -THE ROVERS; - -OR, THE DOUBLE ARRANGEMENT. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - PRIOR _of the_ ABBEY _of_ QUEDLINBURGH, - _very corpulent and cruel_. - - ROGERO, _a Prisoner in the Abbey, - in love with_ MATILDA POTTINGEN. - - CASIMERE, _a Polish Emigrant, in - Dembrowsky's Legion, married - to_ CECILIA, _but having several - children by_ MATILDA. - - PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON, - _English Noblemen exiled by the - Tyranny of King John, previous - to the signature of Magna - Charta_. - - RODERIC, _Count of Saxe Weimar, - a bloody Tyrant, with red hair, - and an amorous complexion_. - - GASPAR, _the Minister of the Count; - Author of_ ROGERO'S _confinement_. - - _Young_ POTTINGEN, _brother to_ MATILDA. - - MATILDA POTTINGEN, _in love with_ - ROGERO, _and mother to_ CASIMERE'S - _children_. - - CECILIA MÜCKENFELD, _wife to_ - CASIMERE. - - _Landlady, Waiter, Grenadiers, - Troubadours, &c._ - - PANTALOWSKY, _and_ BRITCHINDA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ CASIMERE. - - JOACHIM, JABEL, _and_ AMARANTHA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ - ROGERO. - - _Children of_ CASIMERE _and_ CECILIA, - _with their respective Nurses_. - - Several Children; Fathers and - Mothers unknown. - -THE SCENE LIES IN THE TOWN OF WEIMAR, AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF THE ABBEY -OF QUEDLINBURGH. - -_Time, from the Twelfth to the present Century._ - - -PROLOGUE. - -(_In character._) - - Too long the triumphs of our early times, - With civil discord, and with regal crimes, - Have stain'd these boards; while Shakespeare's pen has shown - Thoughts, manners, men, to modern days unknown. - Too long have Rome and Athens been the rage; [_Applause._ - And classic buskins soil'd a British stage. - To-night our bard, who scorns pedantic rules, - His plot has borrow'd from the German schools; - --The German schools--where no dull maxims bind - The bold expansion of the electric mind. - Fix'd to no period, circled by no space, - He leaps the flaming bounds of time and place: - Round the dark confines of the forest raves, - With _gentle_ robbers[204] stocks his gloomy caves; - Tells how prime ministers[205] are shocking things, - And _reigning dukes_ as bad as tyrant kings; - How to _two_ swains[206] _one_ nymph her vows may give, - And how _two_ damsels with _one_ lover live! - Delicious scenes!--such scenes _our_ bard displays, - Which, crown'd with German, sue for British, praise. - Slow are the steeds, that through Germania's roads - With hempen rein the slumbering post-boy goads; - Slow is the slumbering post-boy, who proceeds - Through deep sands floundering, on those tardy steeds; - More slow, more tedious, from his husky throat - Twangs through the twisted horn the struggling note. - These truths confess'd--Oh! yet, ye travell'd few, - Germania's _plays_ with eyes unjaundiced view! - View and approve!--though in each passage fine - The faint translation[207] mock the genuine line; - Though the nice ear the erring sight belie, - For _U twice dotted_ is pronounced like _I_; - [_Applause._ - Yet oft the scene shall Nature's fire impart, - Warm _from_ the breast, and glowing _to_ the heart! - Ye travell'd few, attend! On _you_ our bard - Builds his fond hope! Do you his genius guard! [_Applause._ - Nor let succeeding generations say-- - A British audience _damn'd_ a German play. - [_Loud and continued applauses._ - - [_Flash of lightning_.--_The ghost of_ PROLOGUE'S GRANDMOTHER, - _by the father's side, appears to soft music, in a white tiffany - riding-hood_. PROLOGUE _kneels to receive her blessing, which she - gives in a solemn and affecting manner, the audience clapping and - crying all the while_.--_Flash of lightning_.--PROLOGUE _and his_ - GRANDMOTHER _sink through the trap-door_. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - - _Represents a room at an Inn, at Weimar--On one side - of the stage the bar-room, with jellies, lemons in nets, - syllabubs, and part of a cold roast fowl._ &c.--_On the opposite - side a window looking into the street, through which - persons (inhabitants of Weimar) are seen passing to and fro - in apparent agitation_.--MATILDA _appears in a great-coat - and riding habit, seated at the corner of the dinner-table, - which is covered with a clean huckaback cloth_.--_Plates and - napkins, with buck's-horn-handled knives and forks, are - laid as if for four persons_. - -MATILDA. - - _Mat._ Is it impossible for me to have dinner sooner? - - _Land._ Madam, the Brunswick post-waggon is not yet come in, - and the ordinary is never before two o'clock. - - _Mat._ [_with a look expressive of disappointment, but immediately - recomposing herself._] Well, then, I must have patience. - [_Exit Landlady._] Oh Casimere! How often have the thoughts - of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation! What - a difference, alas! Dinner--it is taken away as soon as over, - and we regret it not! It returns again with the return of - appetite. The beef of to-morrow will succeed to the mutton of - to-day, as the mutton of to-day succeeded to the veal of yesterday. - But when once the heart has been occupied by a beloved - object, in vain would we attempt to supply the chasm by - another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to - dish! Love only, dear, delusive, delightful love, restrains our - wandering appetites, and confines them to a particular - gratification!... - -_Post-horn blows._--_Re-enter_ LANDLADY. - -_Land._ Madam, the post-waggon is come in with only a single gentlewoman. - -_Mat._ Then show her up--and let us have dinner instantly; [_Landlady -going_] and remember--[_after a moment's recollection, and with great -eagerness_]--remember the toasted cheese. - - [_Exit_ LANDLADY. - -CECILIA _enters, in a brown cloth riding-dress, as if just alighted from -the post-waggon._ - -_Mat._ Madam, you seem to have had an unpleasant journey, if I may judge -from the dust on your riding-habit. - -_Cec._ The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was delightful. It -recall'd to me those blissful moments when the rays of desire first -vibrated through my soul. - -_Mat._ [_aside_.] Thank Heaven! I have at last found a heart which is -in unison with my own [_to Cecilia_.] Yes, I understand you--the first -pulsation of sentiment--the silver tones upon the yet unsounded harp.... - -_Cec._ The dawn of life--when this blossom [_putting her hand upon her -heart_] first expanded its petals to the penetrating dart of love! - -_Mat._ Yes--the time--the golden time, when the first beams of the -morning meet and embrace one another! The blooming blue upon the yet -unplucked plum!... - -_Cec._ Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam. - -_Mat._ And yours too is glowing with illumination. - -_Cec._ I had long been looking out for a congenial spirit! My heart was -withered, but the beams of yours have rekindled it. - -_Mat._ A sudden thought strikes me: let us swear an eternal friendship. - -_Cec._ Let us agree to live together! - - _Mat._ Willingly. [_With rapidity and earnestness._ - - _Cec._ Let us embrace. [_They embrace._ - - _Mat._ Yes; I too have loved!--you, too, like me, have been forsaken! - [_Doubtingly and as if with a desire to be informed._ - -_Cec._ Too true! - -_Both._ Ah, these men! these men! - -LANDLADY _enters, and places a leg of mut'on on the table, with sour -krout and prune sauce_--_then a small dish of black puddings._ CECILIA -_and_ MATILDA _appear to take no notice of her._ - -_Mat._ Oh, Casimere! - -_Cec._ [_aside_.] Casimere! that name! Oh, my heart, how it is distracted -with anxiety. - -_Mat._ Heavens! Madam, you turn pale. - -_Cec._ Nothing--a slight megrim--with your leave, I will retire. - -_Mat._ I will attend you. - - [_Exeunt_ MATILDA _and_ CECILIA. _Manent_ LANDLADY _and_ WAITER - _with the dinner on the table_. - -_Land._ Have you carried the dinner to the prisoner in the vaults of the -abbey! - -_Waiter._ Yes. Pease-soup, as usual--with the scrag-end of a neck of -mutton--the emissary of the Count was here again this morning, and -offered me a large sum of money if I would consent to poison him. - - _Land._ Which you refused? [_With hesitation and anxiety._ - - _Waiter._ Can you doubt it? [_With indignation._ - -_Land._ [_recovering herself, and drawing up with an expression of -dignity_.] The conscience of a poor man is as valuable to him as that of -a prince. - -_Waiter._ It ought to be still more so, in proportion as it is generally -more pure. - -_Land._ Thou say'st truly, Job. - -_Waiter_ [_with enthusiasm_.] He who can spurn at wealth when proffer'd -as the price of crime, is greater than a prince. - -_Post-horn blows. Enter_ CASIMERE, _in a travelling dress--a light blue -great-coat with large metal buttons--his hair in a long queue, but -twisted at the end; a large Kevenhuller hat; a cane in his hand._ - -_Cas._ Here, waiter, pull of my boots, and bring me a pair of slippers -[_Exit_ WAITER.] And heark'ye, my lad, a bason of water [_rubbing his -hands_] and a bit of soap--I have not washed since I began my journey. - -_Waiter_ [_answering from behind the door_.] Yes, sir. - -_Cas._ Well, landlady, what company are we to have? - -_Land._ Only two gentlewomen, sir. They are just stepp'd into the next -room--they will be back again in a minute. - -_Cas._ Where do they come from? - - [_All this while the_ WAITER _re-enters with the bason and water_, - CASIMERE _pulls off his boots, takes a napkin from the table, and - washes his face and hands_. - -_Land._ There is one of them, I think, comes from Nuremburgh. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] From Nuremburgh; [_with eagerness_] her name? - -_Land._ Matilda. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] How does this idiot woman torment me! What else? - -_Land._ I can't recollect. - - _Cas._ Oh agony! [_In a paroxysm of agitation._ - -_Waiter._ See here, her name upon the travelling trunk--Matilda Pottingen. - - _Cas._ Ecstasy! ecstasy! [_Embracing the_ WAITER. - -_Land._ You seem to be acquainted with the lady--shall I call her? - -_Cas._ Instantly--instantly--tell her, her loved, her, long lost--tell -her---- - -_Land._ Shall I tell her dinner is ready? - -_Cas._ Do so--and in the meanwhile I will look after my portmanteau. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - _Scene changes to a subterraneous vault in the Abbey of - Quedlinburgh, with coffins, 'scutcheous, Death's heads and - cross-bones._--_Toads, and other loathsome reptiles are seen - traversing the obscurer parts of the Stage._--ROGERO _appears - in chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown, - and a cap of a grotesque form upon his head._--_Beside him a - crock, or pitcher, supposed to contain his daily allowance of - sustenance._--_A long silence, during which the wind is heard to - whistle through the caverns._--ROGERO _rises, and comes slowly - forward, with his arms folded._ - -_Rog._ Eleven years! it is now eleven years since I was first -immured in this living sepulchre--the cruelty of a minister--the -perfidy of a monk--yes, Matilda! for thy sake--alive amidst the -dead--chained--coffined--confined--cut off from the converse of my -fellow-men. Soft! what have we here? [_stumbles over a bundle of -sticks_.] This cavern is so dark, that I can scarcely distinguish the -objects under my feet. Oh! the register of my captivity. Let me see, -how stands the account? [_takes up the sticks and turns them over with -a melancholy air; then stands silent for a few moments, as if absorbed -in calculation_.] Eleven years and fifteen days! Hah! the twenty-eighth -of August! How does the recollection of it vibrate on my heart! It was -on this day that I took my last leave of my Matilda. It was a summer -evening--her melting hand seemed to dissolve in mine, as I press'd it to -my bosom. Some demon whispered me that I should never see her more. I -stood gazing on the hated vehicle which was conveying her away for ever. -The tears were petrified under my eyelids. My heart was crystallized with -agony. Anon, I looked along the road. The diligence seemed to diminish -every instant. I felt my heart beat against its prison, as if anxious -to leap out and overtake it. My soul whirled round as I watched the -rotation of the hinder wheels. A long trail of glory followed after her, -and mingled with the dust--it was the emanation of Divinity, luminous -with love and beauty, like the splendour of the setting sun; but it told -me that the sun of my joys was sunk for ever. Yes, here in the depths -of an eternal dungeon--in the nursing cradle of hell--the suburbs of -perdition --in a nest of demons, where despair, in vain, sits brooding -over the putrid eggs of hope; where agony woos the embrace of death; -where patience, beside the bottomless pool of despondency, sits angling -for impossibilities. Yet even _here_, to behold her, to embrace her--yes, -Matilda, whether in this dark abode, amidst toads and spiders, or in a -royal palace, amidst the more loathsome reptiles of a Court, would be -indifferent to me. Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation -upon our heads--while fiends would envy the eternity of suffering -love.... Soft, what air was that? it seemed a sound of more than human -warblings. Again [_listens attentively for some minutes_]--only the wind. -It is well, however; it reminds me of that melancholy air which has so -often solaced the hours of my captivity. Let me see whether the damps of -this dungeon have not yet injured my guitar. [_Takes his guitar, tunes -it, and begins the following air, with a full accompaniment of violins -from the orchestra._] - - [AIR, _Lanterna Magica._] - - -SONG. - -BY ROGERO. - -I. - - Whene'er with haggard eyes I view - This dungeon that I'm rotting in, - I think of those companions true - Who studied with me at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen,-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he wipes his - eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds_-- - -II. - - Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue, - Which once my love sat knotting in!-- - Alas! Matilda _then_ was true!-- - At least I thought so at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_At the repetition of this line,_ ROGERO _clanks his chains in - cadence._ - -III. - - Barbs! barbs! alas! how swift you flew, - Her neat post-waggon trotting in! - Ye bore Matilda from my view; - Forlorn I languish'd at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -IV. - - This faded form! this pallid hue! - This blood my veins is clotting in, - My years are many--they were few - When first I entered at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingon-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -V. - - There first for thee my passion grew, - Sweet! sweet Matilda Pottingen! - Thou wast the daughter of my tu-- - --tor, Law Professor at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -VI. - - Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu, - That kings and priests are plotting in: - Here doom'd to starve on water gru-- - --el, never shall I see the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_During the last stanza_, ROGERO _dashes his head repeatedly - against the walls of his prison; and, finally, so hard as to - produce a visible contusion. He then throws himself on the floor - in an agony. The curtain drops--the music still continuing to play - till it is wholly fallen._ - - * * * * * - -We have received, in the course of the last week, several long, and to -say the truth, dull letters, from unknown hands, reflecting, in very -severe terms, on Mr. Higgins, for having, as it is affirmed, attempted -to pass upon the world, as a faithful sample of the productions of the -German Theatre, a performance no way resembling any of those pieces, -which have of late excited, and which bid fair to engross the admiration -of the British public. - -As we cannot but consider ourselves as the guardians of Mr. Higgins's -literary reputation, in respect to every work of his which is conveyed -to the world through the medium of our paper (though, what we think of -the danger of his principles, we have already sufficiently explained for -ourselves, and have, we trust, succeeded in putting our readers upon -their guard against them)--we hold ourselves bound not only to justify -the fidelity of the imitation, but (contrary to our original intention) -to give a further specimen of it in our present number, in order to bring -the question more fairly to issue between our author and his calumniators. - -In the first place, we are to observe that Mr. Higgins professes to -have taken his notion of German plays wholly from the translations which -have appeared in our language. If _they_ are totally dissimilar from -the originals, Mr. H. may undoubtedly have been led into error; but the -fault is in the translators, not in him. That he does not differ widely -from the models which he proposed to himself, we have it in our power -to prove satisfactorily; and might have done so in our last number, by -subjoining to each particular passage of his play, the scene in some one -or other of the German plays, which he had in view when he wrote it. -These parallel passages were faithfully pointed out to us by Mr. H. with -that candour which marks his character; and if they were suppressed by -us (as in truth they were), on our heads be the blame, whatever it may -be. Little, indeed, did we think of the imputation which the omission -would bring upon Mr. H., as, in fact, our principal reason for it was the -apprehension that, from the extreme closeness of the imitation in most -instances, he would lose in praise for invention more than he would gain -in credit for fidelity. - -The meeting between Matilda and Cecilia, for example, in the first -act of the "Rovers," and their sudden intimacy, has been censured as -unnatural. Be it so. It is taken _almost word for word_ from "Stella," -a German (or professedly a German) piece now much in vogue; from which -also the catastrophe of Mr. Higgins's play is in part borrowed, so far as -relates to the agreement to which the ladies come, as the reader will see -by-and-by, to share Casimere between them. - -The dinner scene is copied partly from the published translation of the -"Stranger," and partly from the first scene of "Stella." The song of -Rogero, with which the first act concludes, is admitted on all hands to -be in the very first taste; and if no German original is to be found for -it, so much the worse for the credit of German literature. - -An objection has been made by one anonymous letter-writer, to the names -of Puddingfield and Beefington, as little likely to have been assigned -to English characters by any author of taste or discernment. In answer -to this objection, we have, in the first place, to admit that a small, -and we hope not an unwarrantable alteration has been made by us since -the MS. has been in our hands. These names stood originally Puddincrantz -and Beefinstern, which sounded to our ears as being liable, especially -the latter, to a ridiculous inflection--a difficulty that could only be -removed by furnishing them with English terminations. With regard to the -more substantial syllables of the names, our author proceeded in all -probability on the authority of Goldoni, who, though not a German, is an -Italian writer of considerable reputation; and who, having heard that -the English were distinguished for their love of liberty and beef, has -judiciously compounded the two words _Runnymede_ and _beef_, and thereby -produced an English nobleman, whom he styles _Lord Runnybeef_. - -To dwell no longer on particular passages--the best way perhaps of -explaining the whole scope and view of Mr. H.'s imitation, will be to -transcribe the short sketch of the plot, which that gentleman transmitted -to us, together with his drama; and which it is perhaps the more -necessary to give at length, as the limits of our paper not allowing of -the publication of the whole piece, some general knowledge of its main -design may be acceptable to our readers, in order to enable them to judge -of the several extracts which we lay before them. - - -PLOT. - -Rogero, son of the late Minister of the Count of Saxe Weimar, having, -while he was at college, fallen desperately in love with Matilda -Pottingen, daughter of his tutor, Doctor Engelbertus Pottingen, Professor -of Civil Law; and Matilda evidently returning his passion, the doctor, to -prevent ill consequences, sends his daughter on a visit to her aunt in -Wetteravia, where she becomes acquainted with Casimere, a Polish officer, -who happens to be quartered near her aunt's, and has several children by -him. - -Roderic, Count of Saxe Weimar, a prince of tyrannical and licentious -disposition, has for his Prime Minister and favourite, Gaspar, a crafty -villain, who had risen to his post by first ruining, and then putting to -death, Rogero's father. Gaspar, apprehensive of the power and popularity -which the young Rogero may enjoy at his return to Court, seizes the -occasion of his intrigue with Matilda (of which he is apprised officially -by Doctor Pottingen) to procure from his master an order for the recall -of Rogero from college, and for committing him to the care of the prior -of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, a priest, rapacious, savage, and sensual, -and devoted to Gaspar's interests--sending at the same time private -orders to the prior to confine him in a dungeon. - -Here Rogero languishes many years. His daily sustenance is administered -to him through a grated opening at the top of a cavern, by the -landlady of the Golden Eagle at Weimar, with whom Gaspar contracts, -in the Prince's name, for his support; intending, and more than once -endeavouring, to corrupt the waiter to mingle poison with the food, in -order that he may get rid of Rogero for ever. - -In the meantime Casimere, having been called away from the neighbourhood -of Matilda's residence to other quarters, becomes enamoured of, and -marries Cecilia, by whom he has a family; and whom he likewise deserts -after a few years' cohabitation, on pretence of business which calls him -to Kamtschatka. - -Doctor Pottingen, now grown old and infirm, and feeling the want of his -daughter's society, sends young Pottingen in search of her, with strict -injunctions not to return without her; and to bring with her either her -present lover Casimere, or, should that not be possible, Rogero himself, -if he can find him; the doctor having set his heart upon seeing his -children comfortably settled before his death. Matilda, about the same -period, quits her aunt's in search of Casimere; and Cecilia having been -advertised (by an anonymous letter) of the falsehood of his Kamtschatka -journey, sets out in the post-waggon on a similar pursuit. - -It is at this point of time the play opens--with the accidental meeting -of Cecilia and Matilda at the inn at Weimar. Casimere arrives there soon -after, and falls in first with Matilda, and then with Cecilia. Successive -_éclaircissements_ take place, and an arrangement is finally made, by -which the two ladies are to live jointly with Casimere. - -Young Pottingen, wearied with a few weeks' search, during which he has -not been able to find either of the objects of it, resolves to stop -at Weimar, and wait events there. It so happens, that he takes up his -lodging in the same house with Puddincrantz and Beefinstern, two English -noblemen, whom the tyranny of King John has obliged to fly from their -country; and who, after wandering about the Continent for some time, have -fixed their residence at Weimar. - -The news of the signature of Magna Charta arriving, determines -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern to return to England. Young Pottingen opens -his case to them, and entreats them to stay to assist him in the object -of his search. This they refuse; but coming to the inn where they are -to set off for Hamburgh, they meet Casimere, from whom they have both -received many civilities in Poland. - -Casimere, by this time tired of his "Double Arrangement," and having -learned from the waiter that Rogero is confined in the vaults of the -neighbouring Abbey _for love_, resolves to attempt his rescue, and to -make over Matilda to him as the price of his deliverance. He communicates -his scheme to Puddingfield and Beefington, who agree to assist him; as -also does young Pottingen. The waiter of the inn proving to be a _Knight -Templar_ in disguise, is appointed leader of the expedition. A band of -troubadours, who happen to be returning from the Crusades, and a company -of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers returning from the Seven Years' War, -are engaged as troops. - -The attack on the Abbey is made with success. The Count of Weimar and -Gaspar, who are feasting with the prior, are seized and beheaded in the -refectory. The prior is thrown into the dungeon, from which Rogero is -rescued. Matilda and Cecilia rush in. The former recognizes Rogero, and -agrees to live with him. The children are produced on all sides; and -young Pottingen is commissioned to write to his father, the doctor, to -detail the joyful events which have taken place, and to invite him to -Weimar, to partake of the general felicity. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_A Room in an ordinary Lodging-house at - Weimar._--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _discovered, sitting at - a small deal table, and playing at All-fours.--Young_ POTTINGEN, - _at another table in the corner of the room, with a pipe in his - mouth, and a Saxon mug of a singular shape beside him, which he - repeatedly applies to his lips, turning back his head, and casting - his eyes towards the firmament. At the last trial he holds the mug - for some moments in a directly inverted position; then replaces it - on the table, with an air of dejection, and gradually sinks into - a profound slumber. The pipe falls from his hand, and is broken._ - -_Beef._ I beg. - -_Pudd._ [_deals three cards to_ BEEFINGTON.] Are you satisfied? - -_Beef._ Enough. What have you? - -_Pudd._ High--low--and the game. - - _Beef._ Ah! 'tis my deal [_deals--turns up a knave_.] One - for his heels! [_Triumphantly._ - - _Pudd._ Is king highest? - - _Beef._ No [_sternly._] The game is mine. The knave gives it me. - - _Pudd._ Are knaves so prosperous? - Ay, marry are they in this world. They have the game in their - hands. Your kings are but _noddies_[208] to them. - -_Pudd._ Ha! ha! ha!--still the same proud spirit, Beefington, which -procured thee thine exile from England. - -_Beef._ England! my native land!--when shall I revisit thee? - - [_During this time_ PUDDINGFIELD _deals, and begins to arrange his - hand_. - -_Beef._ [_continues._] Phoo--hang all-fours; what are they to a mind -ill at ease? Can they cure the heart-ache? Can they sooth banishment? -Can they lighten ignominy? Can all-fours do this? Oh! my Puddingfield, -thy limber and lightsome spirit bounds up against affliction--with the -elasticity of a well-bent bow; but mine--O! mine-- - - [_Falls into an agony, and sinks back in his chair._ YOUNG - POTTINGEN _awakened by the noise, rises, and advances with a grave - demeanour towards_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. _The former - begins to recover_. - -_Y. Pot._ What is the matter, comrades?[209]--you seem agitated. Have you -lost or won? - -_Beef._ Lost. I have lost my country. - -_Y. Pot._ And I my sister. I came hither in search of her. - -_Beef._ O England! - -_Y. Pot._ O Matilda! - -_Beef._ Exiled by the tyranny of an usurper, I seek the means of revenge, -and of restoration to my country. - -_Y. Pot._ Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted by the -jealousy of a count, the betrothed husband of my sister languishes in -a loathsome captivity. Her lover is fled no one knows whither--and I, -her brother, am torn from my paternal roof, and from my studies in -chirurgery, to seek him and her, I know not where--to rescue Rogero, -I know not how. Comrades, your counsel--my search fruitless--my money -gone--my baggage stolen! What am I to do? In yonder abbey--in these -dark, dank vaults, there, my friends--there lies Rogero--there Matilda's -heart---- - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ WAITER. - -_Waiter._ Sir, here is a person who desires to speak with you. - -_Beef._ [_goes to the door, and returns with a letter, which he -opens--on perusing it his countenance becomes illuminated, and expands -prodigiously_.] Hah, my friend, what joy! - - [_Turning to_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ What? tell me--let your Puddingfield partake it. - -_Beef._ See here-- [_Produces a printed paper._ - - _Pudd._ What? [_With impatience._ - -_Beef._ [_in a significant tone_.] A newspaper! - -_Pudd._ Hah, what sayst thou! A newspaper! - -_Beef._ Yes, Puddingfield, and see here [_shows it partially_], from -England. - -_Pudd._ [_with extreme earnestness._] Its name! - -_Beef._ The "Daily Advertiser"-- - -_Pudd._ Oh, ecstasy! - -_Beef._ [_with a dignified severity._] Puddingfield, calm -yourself--repress those transports--remember that you are a man. - -_Pudd._ [_after a pause with suppressed emotion._] Well, I will be--I am -calm--yet tell me, Beefington, does it contain any news? - -_Beef._ Glorious news, my dear Puddingfield--the Barons are -victorious--King John has been defeated--Magna Charta, that venerable, -immemorial inheritance of Britons, was signed last Friday was three -weeks, the third of July Old Style. - -_Pudd._ I can scarce believe my ears--but let me satisfy my eyes--show me -the paragraph. - -_Beef._ Here it is, just above the advertisements. - -_Pudd._ [_reads._] "The great demand for Packwood's razor straps."---- - -_Beef._ 'Pshaw! what, ever blundering--you drive me from my patience--see -here, at the head of the column. - - _Pudd._ [_reads._] "A hireling print, devoted to the Court, - Has dared to question our veracity - Respecting the events of yesterday; - But by to-day's accounts, our information - Appears to have been perfectly correct. - The charter of our liberties received - The royal signature at five o'clock, - When messengers were instantly dispatch'd - To Cardinal Pandulfo; and their majesties, - After partaking of a cold collation, - Return'd to Windsor."--I am satisfied. - -_Beef._ Yet here again--there are some further particulars [_turns to -another part of the paper_], "Extract of a letter from Egham--My dear -friend, we are all here in high spirits--the interesting event which took -place this morning at Runnymede, in the neighbourhood of this town"---- - -_Pudd._ Hah! Runnymede, enough--no more--my doubts are vanished--then are -we free indeed! - -_Beef._ I have, besides, a letter in my pocket from our friend, the -immortal Bacon, who has been appointed Chancellor. Our outlawry is -reversed! What says my friend--shall we return by the next packet? - -_Pudd._ Instantly, instantly! - -_Both._ Liberty! Adelaide!--Revenge! - - [_Exeunt. Young_ POTTINGEN _following_, _and waving his hat, but - obviously without much consciousness of the meaning of what has - passed_. - -_Scene changes to the outside of the Abbey. A summer's -evening_--_moonlight. Companies of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers march -across the stage, confusedly, as if returning from the Seven Years' War. -Shouts, and martial music. The Abbey gates are opened. The monks are -seen passing in procession, with the Prior at their head. The choir is -heard chanting vespers. After which a pause. Then a bell is heard, as if -ringing for supper. Soon after, a noise of singing and jollity._ - - _Enter from the Abbey, pushed out of the gates by the Porter, a - Troubadour, with a bundle under his cloak, and a Lady under his - arm. Troubadour seems much in liquor, but caresses the female - minstrel._ - -_Fem. Min._ Trust me, Gieronymo, thou seemest melancholy. What hast thou -got under thy cloak? - -_Trou._ 'Pshaw, women will be inquiring. Melancholy! not I. I will sing -thee a song, and the subject of it shall be thy question--"What have -I got under my cloak?" It is a riddle, Margaret--I learnt it of an -almanac-maker at Gotha--if thou guessest it after the first stanza, thou -shalt have never a drop for thy pains. Hear me--and, d'ye mark! twirl thy -thingumbob while I sing. - - _Fem. Min._ 'Tis a pretty tune, and hums dolefully. - [_Plays on the balalaika_.[210] _Troubadour sings._ - - I bear a secret comfort here, - [_putting his hand on the bundle, but without showing it._ - A joy I'll ne'er impart; - It is not wine, it is not beer, - But it consoles my heart. - -_Fem. Min._ [_interrupting him._] I'll be hang'd if you don't mean the -bottle of cherry-brandy that you stole out of the vaults in the Abbey -cellar. - -_Trou._ I mean!--Peace, wench, thou disturbest the current of my feelings. - - [_Fem. Min. attempts to lay hold of the bottle. Troubadour pushes - her aside, and continues singing without interruption._ - - This cherry-bounce, this lov'd noyau, - My drink for ever be; - But, sweet my love, thy wish forego, - I'll give no drop to thee! - - (_Both together_.) - - _Trou._ {This} cherry-bounce {This} lov'd noyau, - _F. M._ {That} {that} - _Trou._ {My } drink for ever be; - _F. M._ {Thy } - _Trou._ } But, sweet my love, {thy wish forego! - _F. M._ } {one drop bestow, - _Trou._ {I } keep it all for {me! - _F. M._ {Nor} {thee! - - [_Exeunt struggling for the bottle, but without anger or - animosity, the Fem. Min. appearing, by degrees, to obtain a - superiority in the contest._ - -Act the Third contains the _eclaircissements_ and final arrangement -between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia: which so nearly resemble the -concluding act of "Stella," that we forbear to lay it before our readers. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV. - - SCENE--_The Inn door--Diligence drawn up._ CASIMERE _appears - superintending the package of his portmanteaus, and giving - directions to the Porters._ - -_Enter_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ Well, Coachey, have you got two inside places? - -_Coach._ Yes, your honour. - -_Pudd._ [_seems to be struck with_ CASIMERE'S _appearance. He surveys him -earnestly, without paying any attention to the coachman, then doubtingly -pronounces_] Casimere! - -_Cas._ [_turning round rapidly, recognises_ PUDDINGFIELD, _and embraces -him_.] My Puddingfield! - -_Pudd._ My Casimere! - -_Cas._ What, Beefington too! [_discovering him_.] Then is my joy complete. - -_Beef._ Our fellow-traveller, as it seems. - -_Cas._ Yes, Beefington--but wherefore to Hamburgh? - -_Beef._ Oh, Casimere[211]--to fly--to fly--to return--England--our -country--Magna Charta--it is liberated--a new era--House of -Commons--Crown and Anchor--Opposition---- - -_Cas._ What a contrast! you are flying to liberty and your home--I, -driven from my home by tyranny--am exposed to domestic slavery in a -foreign country. - -_Beef._ How domestic slavery? - -_Cas._ Too true--two wives [_slowly, and with a dejected air--then after -a pause_]--you knew my Cecilia? - -_Pudd._ Yes, five years ago. - -_Cas._ Soon after that period I went upon a visit to a lady in -Wetteravia--my Matilda was under her protection--alighting at a peasant's -cabin, I saw her on a charitable visit, spreading bread-and-butter -for the children, in a light-blue riding habit. The simplicity of her -appearance--the fineness of the weather--all conspired to interest me--my -heart moved to hers--as if by a magnetic sympathy--we wept, embraced, -and went home together--she became the mother of my Pantalowsky. But five -years of enjoyment have not stifled the reproaches of my conscience--her -Rogero is languishing in captivity--if I could restore her to _him!_ - -_Beef._ Let us rescue him. - -_Cas._ Will without power[212] is like children playing at soldiers. - -_Beef._ Courage without power[213] is like a consumptive running footman. - -_Cas._ Courage without power is a contradiction.[214] Ten brave men might -set all Quedlinburgh at defiance. - -_Beef._ Ten brave men--but where are they to be found? - -_Cas._ I will tell you--marked you the waiter? - - _Beef._ The waiter? [_Doubtingly._ - -_Cas._ [_in a confidential tone_.] No waiter, but a Knight Templar. -Returning from the crusade, he found his Order dissolved, and his -person proscribed. He dissembled his rank, and embraced the profession -of a waiter. I have made sure of him already. There are, besides, an -Austrian and a Prussian grenadier. I have made them abjure their national -enmity, and they have sworn to fight henceforth in the cause of freedom. -These, with Young Pottingen, the waiter, and ourselves, make seven--the -troubadour, with his two attendant minstrels, will complete the ten. - - _Beef._ Now then for the execution. [_With enthusiasm._ - - _Pudd._ Yes, my boys--for the execution. - [_Clapping them on the back._ - -_Waiter._ But hist! we are observed. - -_Trou._ Let us by a song conceal our purposes. - -RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.[215] - - _Cas._ Hist! hist! nor let the airs that blow - From Night's cold lungs, our purpose know! - - _Pudd._ Let Silence, mother of the dumb, - - _Beef._ Press on each lip her palsied thumb! - - _Wait._ Let privacy, allied to sin, - That loves to haunt the tranquil inn-- - - _Gren._ } And Conscience start, when she shall view, - _Trou._ } The mighty deed we mean to do! - -GENERAL CHORUS--_Con spirito._ - - Then friendship swear, ye faithful bands, - Swear to save a shackled hero! - See where yon Abbey frowning stands! - Rescue, rescue, brave Rogero! - - _Cas._ Thrall'd in a Monkish tyrant's fetters, - Shall great Rogero hopeless lie? - - _Y. Pot._ In my pocket I have letters, - Saying, "help me, or I die!" - - _Allegro Allegretto._ - - _Cas. Beef. Pudd. Gren. Trou._ } Let us fly, let us fly, - _Waiter, and Pot. with enthusiasm_ } Let us help, ere he die! - [_Exeunt omnes, waving their hats._ - - SCENE.--_The Abbey gate, with ditches, drawbridges, and spikes. - Time--about an hour before sunrise. The conspirators appear - as if in ambuscade, whispering, and consulting together, in - expectation of the signal for attack. The_ WAITER _is habited - as a Knight Templar, in the dress of his Order, with the cross - on his breast, and the scallop on his shoulder_; PUDDINGFIELD - _and_ BEEFINGTON _armed with blunderbusses and pocket pistols; - the Grenadiers in their proper uniforms. The Troubadour, with - his attendant Minstrels, bring up the rear--martial music--the - conspirators come forward, and present themselves before the - gate of the Abbey.--Alarum--firing of pistols--the Convent - appear in arms upon the walls--the drawbridge is let down--a - body of choristers and lay-brothers attempt a sally, but are - beaten back, and the verger killed. The besieged attempt to - raise the drawbridge_--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _press - forward with alacrity, throw themselves upon the drawbridge, - and by the exertion of their weight, preserve it in a state of - depression--the other besiegers join them, and attempt to force - the entrance, but without effect._ PUDDINGFIELD _makes the signal - for the battering ram. Enter_ QUINTUS CURTIUS _and_ MARCUS CURIUS - DENTATUS, _in their proper military habits, preceded by the Roman - Eagle--the rest of their legion are employed in bringing forward - a battering ram, which plays for a few minutes to slow time, till - the entrance is forced. After a short resistance, the besiegers - rush in with shouts of victory._ - - _Scene changes to the interior of the Abbey. The inhabitants of - the Convent are seen flying in all directions._ - - _The_ COUNT OF WEIMAR _and_ PRIOR, _who had been feasting in - the refectory, are brought in manacled. The_ COUNT _appears - transported with rage, and gnaws his chains. The_ PRIOR _remains - insensible, as if stupefied with grief._ BEEFINGTON _takes - the keys of the dungeon, which are hanging at the_ PRIOR'S - _girdle, and makes a sign for them both to be led away into - confinement.--Exeunt_ PRIOR _and_ COUNT _properly guarded. The - rest of the conspirators disperse in search of the dungeon where_ - ROGERO _is confined._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 204: A See the "Robbers." a German tragedy, in which robbery is -put in so fascinating a light, that the whole of a German University went -upon the highway in consequence of it.] - -[Footnote 205: See "Cabal and Love," a German tragedy, very severe -against Prime Ministers and reigning Dukes of Brunswick. This admirable -performance very judiciously reprobates the hire of German troops for the -_American war_ in the reign of Queen Elizabeth--a practice which would -undoubtedly have been highly discreditable to that wise and patriotic -princess, not to say wholly unnecessary, there being no American war at -that particular time.] - -[Footnote 206: See the "Stranger; or, Reform'd Housekeeper," in which -the former of these morals is beautifully illustrated; and "Stella," a -genteel German comedy, which ends with placing a man _bodkin_ between -_two wives_, like _Thames_ between his _two banks_, in the "Critic." -Nothing can be more edifying than these two dramas. I am shocked to hear -that there are some people who think them ridiculous.] - -[Footnote 207: These are the warnings very properly given to readers, -to beware how they judge of what they cannot understand. Thus, if the -translation runs "lightning of my soul, fulguration of angels, sulphur -of hell;" we should recollect that this is not coarse or strange in the -German language, when applied by a lover to his mistress; but the English -has nothing precisely parallel to the original Mulychause Archangelichen, -which means rather "emanation of the archangelican nature"--or to -Smellmynkern Vankelfer, which, if literally rendered, would signify -"made of stuff of the same odour whereof the devil makes flambeaux." See -Schüttenbrüch on the German Idiom.] - -[Footnote 208: This is an excellent joke in German; the point and -spirit of which is but ill-rendered in a translation. A Noddy, the -reader will observe, has two significations--the one a "knave at -all-fours;" the other a "fool or booby." See the translation by Mr. -Render of "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamtschatka," a German -tragi-comi-comi-tragedy: where the play opens with a scene of a game at -chess (from which the whole of this scene is copied), and a joke of the -same point and merriment about pawns--_i.e._, boors being _a match_ for -kings.] - -[Footnote 209: This word in the original is strictly -"fellow-lodgers"--"co-occupants of the same room, in a house let out -at a small rent by the week." There is no single word in English which -expresses so complicated a relation, except, perhaps, the cant term of -"chum," formerly in use at our universities.] - -[Footnote 210: The balalaika is a Russian instrument, resembling the -guitar.--See the play of "Count Benyowsky," rendered into English.] - -[Footnote 211: See "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamschatka," -where Crustiew, an old gentleman of much sagacity, talks the following -nonsense: - -_Crustiew_ [_with youthful energy and an air of secrecy and confidence_.] -"To fly, to fly, to the Isles of Marian--the island of Tinian--a -terrestrial paradise. Free--free--a mild climate--a new created -sun--wholesome fruits--harmless inhabitants--and Liberty--tranquillity."] - -[Footnote 212: See "Count Benyowsky." as before.] - -[Footnote 213: See "Count Benyowsky."] - -[Footnote 214: See "Count Benyowsky" again; from which play this and the -preceding references are taken word for word. We acquit the Germans of -such reprobate silly stuff. It must be the translator's.] - -[Footnote 215: We believe this song to be copied, with a small variation -in metre and meaning, from a song in "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy -of Kamtschatka,"--where the conspirators join in a chorus, _for fear of -being overheard_.] - - - - -BOMBASTES FURIOSO. - -FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL HAYMARKET, AUGUST 7, 1810. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONÆ. - - ARTAXOMINOUS, _King of Utopia._ - - FUSBOS, _Minister of State._ - - GENERAL BOMBASTES. - - _Attendants or Courtiers._ - - _Army_--a long Drummer, a short - Fifer, and two (sometimes three) - Soldiers of different dimensions. - - DISTAFFINA. - -SCENE I.--_Interior of the Palace._ - - _The_ KING _in his chair of state.--A table set out with - punchbowl, glasses, pipes, &c._--ATTENDANTS _on each side._ - -TRIO.--"_Tekeli._" - - _1st Atten._ What will your majesty please to wear? - Or blue, green, red, black, white, or brown? - - _2nd Atten._ D'ye choose to look at the bill of fare? - [_Showing long bill._ - - _King._ Get out of my sight, or I'll knock you down. - - _2nd Atten._ Here is soup, fish, or goose, or duck, or fowl, - or pigeons, pig, or hare! - - _1st Atten._ Or blue, or green, or red, or black, or white, or brown, - What will your Majesty, &c. - - _King._ Get out of my sight, &c. [_Exeunt_ ATTENDANTS. - -_Enter_ FUSBOS, _and kneels to the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ Hail, Artaxominous! yclep'd the Great! - I come, an humble pillar of thy state, - Pregnant with news--but ere that news I tell, - First let me hope your Majesty is well. - - _King._ Rise, learned Fusbos! rise, my friend, and know - We are but middling--that is, _so so!_ - - _Fusbos._ Only _so so!_ Oh, monstrous, doleful thing! - Is it the mulligrubs affects the king? - Or, dropping poisons in the cup of joy, - Do the blue devils your repose annoy? - - _King._ Nor mulligrubs nor devils blue are here, - But yet we feel ourselves a little queer. - - _Fusbos._ Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye, - The vest unbutton'd, and the wig awry; - So sickly cats neglect their fur-attire, - And sit and mope beside the kitchen fire. - - _King._ Last night, when undisturb'd by state affairs, - Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares, - Oft the replenish'd goblet did we drain, - And drank and smok'd, and smok'd and drank again! - Such was the case, our very actions such, - Until at length we got a drop too much. - - _Fusbos._ So when some donkey on the Blackheath Road, - Falls, overpower'd, beneath his sandy load; - The driver's curse unheeded swells the air, - Since none can carry more than they can bear. - - _King._ The sapient Doctor Muggins came in haste, - Who suits his physic to his patient's taste; - He, knowing well on what our heart is set, - Hath just prescrib'd, "To take a morning whet;" - The very sight each sick'ning pain subdues. - Then sit, my Fusbos, sit and tell thy news. - - _Fusbos_ [_sits._] Gen'ral Bombastes, whose resistless force - Alone exceeds by far a brewer's horse, - Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth! - - _King._ Does he, by jingo? then we'll drink his health! - [_Drum and Fife._ - - _Fusbos._ But hark! with loud acclaim, the fife and drum - Announce your army near; behold, they come! - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, _attended by one_ DRUMMER, _one_ FIFER, _and - two_ SOLDIERS, _all very materially differing in size.--They march - round the stage and back_. - - _Bombas._ Meet me this ev'ning at the Barley Mow; - I'll bring your pay--you see I'm busy now: - Begone, brave army, and don't kick up a row. - [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS. - [_To the_ KING.] Thrash'd are your foes--this watch and - silken string, - Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring; - I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob; - "Watch, watch," he cried, when I had done the job. - "My watch is gone," says he--says I, "Just so; - Stop where you are--watches were made to go." - - _King._ For which we make you Duke of Strombelo. - [BOMBASTES _kneels; the_ KING - _dubs him with a pipe, and then presents the bowl_. - From our own bowl here drink, my soldier true, - And if you'd like to take a whiff or two, - He whose brave arm hath made our foes to crouch, - Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch. - - _Bombas._ [_rises._] Honours so great have all my toils repaid! - My liege, and Fusbos, here's "Success to trade". - - _Fusbos._ Well said, Bombastes! Since thy mighty blows, - Have given a quietus to our foes, - Now shall our farmers gather in their crops, - And busy tradesmen mind their crowded shops - The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease; - Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace. - - _King._ I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please. - - _Bombas._ Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to name, - Short cut or long to me is all the same. - - _Bombas._ } In short, so long, as we your favours claim, - and } Short cut or long, to us is all the same. - _Fusbos._ } - - _King._ Thanks, gen'rous friends! now list whilst I impart - How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my heart; - So long as this here pouch a pipe contains, - Or a full glass in that there bowl remains, - To you an equal portion shall belong; - This do I swear, and now--let's have a song. - - _Fusbos._ My liege shall be obeyed. - - [_Advances and attempts to sing._ - - _Bombas._ Fusbos, give place, - You know you haven't got a singing face; - Here nature, smiling, gave the winning grace. - - SONG.--"_Hope told a flatt'ring Tale_." - - Hope told a flattering tale, - Much longer than my arm, - That love and pots of ale - In peace would keep me warm: - The flatt'rer is not gone, - She visits number one: - In love I'm monstrous deep. - Love! odsbobs, destroys my sleep, - Hope told a flattering tale, - Lest love should soon grow cool; - A tub thrown to a whale, - To make the fish a fool: - Should Distaffina frown, - Then love's gone out of town; - And when love's dream is o'er, - Then we wake and dream no more. - [_Exit._ - - [_The_ KING _evinces strong emotions during the song, and at the - conclusion starts up._ - - _Fusbos._ What ails my liege? ah! why that look so sad? - - _King_ [_coming forward._] I am in love! I scorch, I freeze, I'm mad! - Oh, tell me, Fusbos, first and best of friends, - You, who have wisdom at your fingers' ends, - Shall it be so, or shall it not be so? - Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego, - Compel her to give up the regal chair, - And place the rosy Distaffina there? - In such a case, what course can I pursue? - I love my queen, and Distaffina too. - - _Fusbos._ And would a king his general supplant? - I can't advise, upon my soul I can't. - - _King._ So when two feasts, whereat there's nought to pay, - Fall unpropitious on the self-same day, - The anxious Cit each invitation views, - And ponders which to take or which refuse: - From this or that to keep away is loth, - And sighs to think he cannot dine at both. [_Exit._ - - _Fusbos._ So when some school-boy, on a rainy day, - Finds all his playmates will no longer stay, - He takes the hint himself--and walks away. [_Exit._ - - -SCENE II.--_An Avenue of Trees._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ I'll seek the maid I love, though in my way - A dozen gen'rals stood in fierce array! - Such rosy beauties nature meant for kings; - Subjects have treat enough to see such things. - - -SCENE III.--_Inside of a Cottage._ - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ This morn, as sleeping in my bed I lay, - I dreamt (and morning dreams come true they say), - I dreamt a cunning man my fortune told, - And soon the pots and pans were turned to gold! - Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash; - But, lo! ere I could turn them into cash, - Another cunning man my heart betray'd, - Stole all away, and left my debts unpaid. - -_Enter the_ KING. - - And pray, sir, who are you, I'd wish to know? - - _King._ Perfection's self, oh, smooth that angry brow! - For love of thee, I've wander'd thro' the town, - And here have come to offer half a crown. - - _Distaf._ Fellow! your paltry offer I despise; - The great Bombastes' love alone I prize. - - _King._ He's but a general--damsel, I'm a king; - - _Distaf._ Oh, sir, that makes it quite another thing. - - _King._ And think not, maiden, I could e'er design - A sum so trifling for such charms as thine. - No! the half crown that ting'd thy cheeks with red, - And bade fierce anger o'er thy beauties spread, - Was meant that thou should'st share my throne and bed. - - _Distaf._ [_aside._] My dream is out, and I shall soon behold - The pots and pans all turn to shining gold. - - _King_ [_puts his hat down to kneel on._] Here, on my knees - (those knees which ne'er till now - To man or maid in suppliance bent) I vow - Still to remain, till you my hopes fulfil, - Fixt as the Monument on Fish Street Hill. - - _Distaf._ [_kneels._] And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand, - As long as e'er the Monument shall stand, - So long I'm yours---- - - _King._ Are then my wishes crown'd? - - _Distaf._ La, sir! I'd not say no for twenty pound; - Let silly maids for love their favours yield, - Rich ones for me--a king against the field. - -SONG.--"_Paddy's Wedding._" - - Queen Dido at - Her palace gate - Sat darning of her stocking O; - She sung and drew - The worsted through, - Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O; - (For a babe she had - By a soldier lad, - Though hist'ry passes it over O); - "You tell-tale brat, - I've been a flat, - Your daddy has proved a rover O. - What a fool was I - To be cozen'd by - A fellow without a penny O; - When rich ones came, - And ask'd the same, - For I'd offers from never so many O; - But I'll darn my hose, - Look out for beaux, - And quickly get a new lover O; - Then come, lads, come, - Love beats the drum, - And a fig for Æneas the rover O." - - _King._ So Orpheus sang of old, or poets lie, - And as the brutes were charmed, e'en so am I. - Rosy-cheek'd maid, henceforth my only queen, - Full soon shalt thou in royal robes be seen; - And through my realm I'll issue this decree, - None shall appear of taller growth than thee: - Painters no other face portray--each sign - O'er alehouse hung shall change its head for thine. - Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays, - And none presume to write but in thy praise. - - _Distaf._ [_fetches a bottle and glass._] And may I then, - without offending, crave - My love to taste of this, the best I have? - - _King._ Were it the vilest liquor upon earth, - Thy touch would render it of matchless worth; - Dear shall the gift be held that comes from you; - Best proof of love [_drinks_],'tis full-proof Hodges' too; - Through all my veins I feel a genial glow, - It fires my soul---- - - _Bombastes_ [_within._] Ho, Distaffina, ho! - - _King._ Heard you that voice? - - _Distaf._ O yes, 'tis what's his name, - The General; send him packing as he came. - - _King._ And is it he? and doth he hither come? - Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb: - Where shall I go? say, whither shall I fly? - Hide me, oh hide me from his injur'd eye! - - _Distaf._ Why, sure you're not alarm'd at such a thing? - He's but a general, and you're a king. - [KING _conceals himself in a closet in flat_. - -_Enter_ BOMBASTES. - - _Bombas._ Lov'd Distaffina! now by my scars I vow, - Scars got--I haven't time to tell you how; - By all the risks my fearless heart hath run, - Risks of all shapes from bludgeon, sword, and gun. - Steel traps, the patrole, bailiff shrewd, and dun; - By the great bunch of laurel on my brow, - Ne'er did thy charms exceed their present glow! - Oh! let me greet thee with a loving kiss---- [_Sees the hat._ - Why, what the devil!--say, whose hat is this? - - _Distaf._ Why, help your silly brains, that's not a hat. - - _Bombas._ No hat? - - _Distaf._ Suppose it is, why, what of that? - A hat can do no harm without a head! - - _Bombas._ Whoe'er it fits, this hour I doom him dead; - Alive from hence the caitiff shall not stir---- - [_Discovers the_ KING. - Your most obedient, humble servant; sir. - - _King._ Oh, general, oh! - - _Bombas._ My much-loved master, oh! - What means all this? - - _King._ Indeed I hardly know---- - - _Distaf._ You hardly know?--a very pretty joke, - If kingly promises so soon are broke! - Arn't I to be a queen, and dress so fine? - - _King._ I do repent me of the foul design: - To thee, my brave Bombastes, I restore - Pure Distaffina, and will never more - Through lane or street with lawless passion rove, - But give to Griskinissa all my love. - - _Bombas._ No, no, I'll love no more; let him who can - Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man. - In some lone place I'll find a gloomy cave, - There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave. - Then all unseen I'll lay me down and die, - Since woman's constancy is--all my eye. - -TRIO.--"_O Lady Fair!_" - - _Dislaf._ O, cruel man! where are you going? - Sad are my wants, my rent is owing. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, all comfort scorning; - Some death I'll die before the morning. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho! sad is that warning-- - Oh, do not die before the morning! - - _King._ I'll follow him, all danger scorning; - He shall not die before the morning. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, &c. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho, &c. - - _King._ I'll follow him, &c. - - [_They hold him by the coat-tails, but he gradually tugs them off._ - - -SCENE IV.--_A Wood._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This day is big with fate: just as I set - My foot across the threshold, lo! I met - A man whose squint terrific struck my view; - Another came, and lo! he squinted too; - And ere I'd reach'd the corner of the street, - Some ten short paces, 'twas my lot to meet - A third who squinted more--a fourth, and he - Squinted more vilely than the other three. - Such omens met the eye when Cæsar fell, - But cautioned him in vain; and who can tell - Whether those awful notices of fate - Are meant for kings or ministers of state; - For rich or poor, old, young, or short or tall, - The wrestler Love trips up the heels of all. - -SONG.--"_My Lodging is on the Cold Ground._" - - My lodging is in Leather Lane, - A parlour that's next to the sky; - 'Tis exposed to the wind and the rain, - But the wind and the rain I defy: - Such love warms the coldest of spots, - As I feel for Scrubinda the fair; - Oh, she lives by the scouring of pots, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - Oh, were I a quart, pint, or gill, - To be scrubb'd by her delicate hands, - Let others possess what they will - Of learning, and houses, and lands; - My parlour that's next to the sky - I'd quit, her blest mansion to share; - So happy to live and to die - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - And oh, would this damsel be mine, - No other provision I'd seek; - On a look I could breakfast and dine, - And feast on a smile for a week. - But ah! should she false-hearted prove, - Suspended, I'll dangle in air; - A victim to delicate love, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. [_Exit._ - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, preceded by a Fifer, playing "Michael Wiggins."_ - - _Bombas._ Gentle musician, let thy dulcet strain - Proceed--play "Michael Wiggins" once again [_he does so_.] - Music's the food of love; give o'er, give o'er, - For I must batten on that food no more. [_Exit_ FIFER. - My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps, - Whilst, merry Michael, all thy cards were trumps. - So, should some youth by fortune's blest decrees, - Possess at least a pound of Cheshire cheese, - And bent some favour'd party to regale, - Lay in a kilderkin, or so, of ale; - Lo, angry fate! In one unlucky hour - Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour, - And the loud thunder turn the liquor sour [_forms his sash into - a noose_.] - Alas! alack! alack! and well-a-day, - That ever man should make himself away! - That ever man for woman false should die, - As many have, and so, and so [_prepares to hang himself, tries - the sensation, but disapproves of the result_] won't I! - No, I'll go mad! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage, - And with this wicked wanton world a woeful war I'll wage! - - [_Hangs his boots to the arm of a tree, and taking a scrap of - paper, with a pencil writes the following couplet, which he - attaches to them, repeating the words_:-- - - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Thus do I challenge all the human race. - [_Draws his sword, and retires up the stage, and off._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ Scorning my proffer'd hand, he frowning fled, - Curs'd the fair maid, and shook his angry head [_perceives the boots - and label._.] - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Ha! dost thou dare me, vile obnoxious elf? - I'll make thy threats as bootless as thyself: - Where'er thou art, with speed prepare to go - Where I shall send thee--to the shades below [_knocks down the - boots_.] - - _Bombas._ [_coming forward_.] So have I heard on Afric's burning - shore, - A hungry lion give a grievous roar; - The grievous roar echo'd along the shore. - - _King._ So have I heard on Afric's burning shore - Another lion give a grievous roar, - And the first lion thought the last a bore. - - _Bombas._ Am I then mocked? Now by my fame I swear - You soon shall have it--There! [_They fight._ - - _King._ Where? - - _Bombas._ There and there! - - _King._ I have it sure enough--Oh! I am slain! - I'd give a pot of beer to live again [_falls on his back_]; - Yet ere I die I something have to say: - My once-lov'd gen'ral, pri'thee come this way! - Oh! oh! my Bom---- [_Dies._ - - _Bombas._ --Bastes he would have said; - But ere the word was out, his breath was fled. - Well, peace be with him, his untimely doom - Shall thus be mark'd upon his costly tomb:-- - "Fate cropt him short--for be it understood. - He would have liv'd much longer--if he could." - [_Retires again up the stage._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This was the way they came, and much I fear - There's mischief in the wind. What have we here? - King Artaxominous bereft of life! - Here'll be a pretty tale to tell his wife. - - _Bombas._ A pretty tale, but not for thee to tell, - For thou shalt quickly follow him to hell; - There say I sent thee, and I hope he's well. - - _Fusbos._ No, thou thyself shalt thy own message bear; - Short is the journey, thou wilt soon be there. - -[_They fight_--BOMBASTES _is wounded_. - - _Bombas._ Oh, Fusbos, Fusbos! I am diddled quite, - Dark clouds come o'er my eyes--farewell, good night! - Good night! my mighty soul's inclined to roam, - So make my compliments to all at home. - [_Lies down by the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ And o'er thy grave a monument shall rise, - Where heroes yet unborn shall feast their eyes; - And this short epitaph that speaks thy fame, - Shall also there immortalize my name:-- - "Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb, - Who conquered all but Fusbos--Fusbos him." - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ Ah, wretched maid! Oh, miserable fate! - I've just arrived in time to be too late; - What now shall hapless Distaffina do? - Curse on all morning dreams, they come so true! - - _Fusbos._ Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man, - And get another lover where you can: - The crown now sits on Griskinissa's head, - To her I'll go---- - - _Distaf._ But are you sure they're dead? - - _Fusbos._ Yes, dead as herrings--herrings that are red. - - -FINALE. - - _Distaf._ Briny tears I'll shed, - - _King._ I for joy shall cry, too; [_Rising._ - - _Fusbos._ Zounds! the King's alive! - - _Bombas._ Yes, and so am I, too! [_Rising._ - - _Distaf._ It was better far, - - _King._ Thus to check all sorrow; - - _Fusbos._ But, if some folks please, - - _Bombas._ We'll die again to-morrow! - - * * * * * - - _Distaf._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _King._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi; - - _Fusbos._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _Bombas._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi! - -_They take hands and dance round, repeating Chorus._ - - - - -REJECTED ADDRESSES. - -PREFACE. - - -On the 14th of August, 1812, the following advertisement appeared in most -of the daily papers: - -"_Rebuilding of Drury Lane Theatre._ - -"The Committee are desirous of promoting a free and fair competition -for an Address to be spoken upon the opening of the Theatre, which will -take place, on the 10th of October next. They have therefore thought -fit to announce to the public, that they will be glad to receive any -such compositions, addressed to their Secretary, at the Treasury Office, -in Drury Lane, on or before the 10th of September, sealed up, with a -distinguishing word, number, or motto, on the cover, corresponding with -the inscription on a separate sealed paper containing the name of the -author, which will not be opened, unless containing the name of the -successful candidate." - -Upon the propriety of this plan, men's minds were, as they usually are -upon matters of moment, much divided. Some thought it a fair promise of -the future intention of the Committee to abolish that phalanx of authors -who usurp the stage, to the exclusion of a large assortment of dramatic -talent blushing unseen in the background; while others contended, that -the scheme would prevent men of real eminence from descending into an -amphitheatre in which all Grub Street (that is to say, all London and -Westminster) would be arrayed against them. The event has proved both -parties to be in a degree right, and in a degree wrong. One hundred and -twelve Addresses have been sent in, each sealed and signed, and mottoed, -"as per order," some written by men of great, some by men of little, and -some by men of no talent. - -Many of the public prints have censured the taste of the Committee, in -thus contracting for Addresses as they would for nails--by the gross; but -it is surprising that none should have censured their _temerity_. One -hundred and eleven of the Addresses must, of course, be unsuccessful: -to each of the authors, thus infallibly classed with the _genus -irritabile_, it would be very hard to deny six staunch friends, who -consider his the best of all possible Addresses, and whose tongues will -be as ready to laud him as to hiss his adversary. These, with the potent -aid of the bard himself, make seven foes per Address, and thus will be -created seven hundred and seventy-seven implacable auditors, prepared to -condemn the strains of Apollo himself; a band of adversaries which no -prudent manager would think of exasperating. - -But leaving the Committee to encounter the responsibility they have -incurred, the public have at least to thank them for ascertaining -and establishing one point, which might otherwise have admitted of -controversy. When it is considered that many amateur writers have been -discouraged from becoming competitors, and that few, if any, of the -professional authors can afford to write for nothing, and of course -have not been candidates for the honorary prize at Drury Lane, we may -confidently pronounce, that, as far as regards _number_, the present -is undoubtedly the Augustan age of English poetry. Whether or not this -distinction will be extended to the _quality_ of its productions, must -be decided at the tribunal of posterity, though the natural anxiety of -our authors on this score ought to be considerably diminished, when they -reflect how few will, in all probability, be had up for judgment. - -It is not necessary for the Editor to mention the manner in which he -became possessed of this "fair sample of the present state of poetry in -Great Britain." It was his first intention to publish the whole; but a -little reflection convinced him that, by so doing, he might depress the -good, without elevating the bad. He has therefore culled what had the -appearance of flowers, from what possessed the reality of weeds, and -is extremely sorry that, in so doing, he has diminished his collection -to twenty-one. Those which he has rejected may possibly make their -appearance in a separate volume, or they may be admitted as volunteers -in the files of some of the newspapers; or, at all events, they are sure -of being received among the awkward squad of the Magazines. In general, -they bear a close resemblance to each other: thirty of them contain -extravagant compliments to the immortal Wellington, and the indefatigable -Whitbread; and, as the last-mentioned gentleman is said to dislike praise -in the exact proportion in which he deserves it, these laudatory writers -have probably been only building a wall, against which they might run -their own heads. - -The Editor here begs leave to advance a few words in behalf of that -useful and much-abused bird, the Phoenix, and in so doing he is biassed -by no partiality, as he assures the reader he not only never saw one, -but (_mirabile dictu!_) never caged one in a simile in the whole course -of his life. Not less than sixty-nine of the competitors have invoked -the aid of this native of Arabia; but as from their manner of using him, -after they had caught him, he does not by any means appear to have been -a native of Arabia _Felix_, the Editor has left the proprietors to treat -with Mr. Polito, and refused to receive this _rara avis_, or black swan, -into the present collection. One exception occurs, in which the admirable -treatment of this feathered incombustible entitles the author to great -praise. That Address has been preserved, and in the ensuing pages takes -the lead, to which its dignity entitles it. - -Perhaps the reason why several of the subjoined productions of the MUSÆ -LONDINENSES have failed of selection, may be discovered in their being -penned in a metre unusual upon occasions of this sort, and in their not -being written with that attention to stage effect, the want of which, -like want of manners in the concerns of life, is more prejudicial than -a deficiency of talent. There is an art in writing for the Theatre, -technically called _touch and go_, which is indispensable when we -consider the small quantum of patience which so motley an assemblage as -a London audience can be expected to afford. All the contributors have -been very exact in sending their initials and mottoes. Those belonging -to the present collection have been carefully preserved, and each has -been affixed to its respective poem. The letters that accompanied the -Addresses having been honourably destroyed unopened, it is impossible -to state the real authors with any certainty, but the ingenious reader, -after comparing the initials with the motto, and both with the poem, may -form his own conclusions. - -The Editor does not anticipate any disapprobation from thus giving -publicity to a small portion of the REJECTED ADDRESSES; for, unless he -is widely mistaken in assigning the respective authors, the fame of each -individual is established on much too firm a basis to be shaken by so -trifling and evanescent a publication as the present: - - neque ego illi detrahere ausim - Hærentem capiti multâ cum laude coronam. - -Of the numerous pieces already sent to the Committee for performance, -he has only availed himself of three vocal Travesties, which he has -selected, not for their merit, but simply for their brevity. Above -one hundred spectacles, melodramas, operas, and pantomimes have been -transmitted, besides the two first acts of one legitimate comedy. Some -of these evince considerable smartness of manual dialogue, and several -brilliant repartees of chairs, tables, and other inanimate wits; but the -authors seem to have forgotten that in the new Drury Lane the audience -can hear as well as see. Of late our theatres have been so constructed -that John Bull has been compelled to have very long ears, or none at -all; to keep them dangling about his skull like discarded servants, -while his eyes were gazing at piebalds and elephants, or else to stretch -them out to an asinine length to catch the congenial sound of braying -trumpets. An auricular revolution is, we trust, about to take place; and, -as many people have been much puzzled to define the meaning of the new -era, of which we have heard so much, we venture to pronounce, that as -far as regards Drury Lane Theatre, the new era means the reign of ears. -If the past affords any pledge for the future, we may confidently expect -from the Committee of that House, everything that can be accomplished by -the union of taste and assiduity. - - - - -LOYAL EFFUSION. - -BY W. T. F. - - Quiequid dicunt, laudo: id rursum si negant - Laudo id quoque.--TERENCE. - - - Hail, glorious edifice, stupendous work! - God bless the Regent and the Duke of York! - Ye Muses! by whose aid I cried down Fox, - Grant me in Drury Lane a private box, - Where I may loll, cry bravo, and profess - The boundless powers of England's glorious press; - While Afric's sons exclaim, from shore to shore, - "Quashee ma boo!" the slave-trade is no more. - In fair Arabia (happy once, now stony, - Since ruined by that arch apostate, Boney), - A phoenix late was caught: the Arab host - Long ponder'd, part would boil it, part would roast: - But while they ponder, up the pot-lid flies, - Fledged, beak'd, and claw'd, alive, they see him rise - To heaven, and caw defiance in the skies. - So Drury, first in roasting flames consumed, - Then by old renters to hot water doom'd, - By Wyatt's trowel patted, plump and sleek, - Soars without wings, and caws without a beak. - Gallia's stern despot shall in vain advance - From Paris, the metropolis of France; - By this day month the monster shall not gain - A foot of land in Portugal or Spain. - See Wellington in Salamanca's field - Forces his favourite general to yield, - Breaks thro' his lines, and leaves his boasted Marmont - Expiring on the plain without his arm on: - Madrid he enters at the cannon's mouth, - And then the villages still further south. - Base Buonaparté, fill'd with deadly ire, - Sets, one by one, our playhouses on fire; - Some years ago he pounced with deadly glee on - The Opera House, then burnt down the Pantheon; - Nay, still unsated, in a coat of flames, - Next at Millbank he crossed the river Thames: - Thy hatch, O halfpenny! pass'd in a trice, - Boil'd some black pitch, and burnt down Astley's twice; - Then buzzing on thro' ether with a vile hum, - Turn'd to the left hand, fronting the asylum, - And burnt the Royal Circus in a hurry,-- - ('Twas call'd the Circus then, but now the Surrey). - Who burnt (confound his soul!) the houses twain - Of Covent Garden and of Drury Lane? - Who, while the British squadron lay off Cork - (God bless the Regent and the Duke of York), - With a foul earthquake ravaged the Caraccas, - And raised the price of dry goods and tobaccos? - Who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise? - Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies? - Who thought in flames St. James's Court to pinch? - Who burnt the wardrobe of poor Lady Finch? - Why he, who, forging for this isle a yoke, - Reminds me of a line I lately spoke, - "The tree of freedom is the British oak." - Bless every man possessed of aught to give; - Long may Long Tilney Wellesley Long Pole live; - God bless the army, bless their coats of scarlet, - God bless the navy, bless the Princess Charlotte, - God bless the guards, though worsted Gallia scoff, - And bless their pigtails, tho' they're now cut off; - And oh, in Downing Street should Old Nick revel, - England's prime minister, then bless the Devil! - - - - -THE BABY'S DEBUT. - -BY W. W. - - Thy lisping prattle and thy mincing gait, - All thy false mimic fooleries I hate, - For thou art Folly's counterfeit, and she - Who is right foolish hath the better plea; - Nature's true Idiot I prefer to thee.--CUMBERLAND. - - [_Spoken in the character of_ NANCY LAKE, _a girl eight years of - age, who is drawn upon the stage in a child's chaise, by_ SAMUEL - HUGHES, _her uncle's porter_.] - - - My brother Jack was nine in May, - And I was eight on New-year's-day; - So in Kate Wilson's shop - Papa (he's my papa and Jack's) - Bought me, last week, a doll of wax, - And brother Jack a top. - - Jack's in the pouts, and this it is, - He thinks mine came to more than his, - So to my drawer he goes, - Takes out the doll, and, oh, my stars! - He pokes her head between the bars, - And melts off half her nose! - - Quite cross, a bit of string I beg, - And tie it to his peg-top's peg, - And bang, with might and main, - Its head against the parlour door: - Off flies the head, and hits the floor, - And breaks a window-pane. - - This made him cry with rage and spite: - Well, let him cry, it serves him right. - A pretty thing, forsooth! - If he's to melt, all scalding hot, - Half my doll's nose, and I am not - To draw his peg-top's tooth! - - Aunt Hannah heard the window break, - And cried, "O naughty Nancy Lake, - Thus to distress your aunt: - No Drury Lane for you to-day!" - And while papa said, "Pooh, she may!" - Mamma said, "No, she shan't!" - - Well, after many a sad reproach, - They got into a hackney coach, - And trotted down the street. - I saw them go: one horse was blind, - The tails of both hung down behind, - Their shoes were on their feet. - - The chaise in which poor brother Bill - Used to be drawn to Pentonville, - Stood in the lumber-room: - I wiped the dust from off the top, - While Molly mopp'd it with a mop, - And brush'd it with a broom. - - My uncle's porter, Samuel Hughes, - Came in at six to black the shoes - (I always talk to Sam): - So what does he, but takes, and drags - Me in the chaise along the flags, - And leaves me where I am. - - My father's walls are made of brick, - But not so tall, and not so thick, - As these; and, goodness me! - My father's beams are made of wood, - But never, never half so good, - As these that now I see. - - What a large floor! 'tis like a town! - The carpet, when they lay it down, - Won't hide it, I'll be bound. - And there's a row of lamps! my eye! - How they do blaze! I wonder why - They keep them on the ground. - - At first I caught hold of the wing, - And kept away; but Mr. Thing- - umbob, the prompter man, - Gave with his hand my chaise a shove, - And said, "Go on, my pretty love, - Speak to 'em, little Nan. - - "You've only got to curtsey, whisp- - er, hold your chin up, laugh and lisp, - And then you're sure to take: - I've known the day when brats not quite - Thirteen got fifty pounds a night; - Then why not Nancy Lake?" - - But while I'm speaking, where's papa? - And where's my aunt? and where's mamma? - Where's Jack? Oh, there they sit! - They smile, they nod, I'll go my ways, - And order round poor Billy's chaise, - To join them in the pit. - - And now, good gentlefolks, I go - To join mamma, and see the show; - So, bidding you adieu, - I curtsey, like a pretty miss, - And if you'll blow to me a kiss, - I'll blow a kiss to you. - [_Blows kiss, and exit._ - - - - -AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHOENIX. - -BY S. T. P. - - This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd.-- - WHAT YOU WILL. - - - What stately vision mocks my waking sense? - Hence, dear delusion, sweet enchantment, hence! - Ha! is it real?--can my doubts be vain? - It is, it is, and Drury lives again! - Around each grateful veteran attends, - Eager to rush and gratulate his friends, - Friends whose kind looks, retraced with proud delight, - Endear the past, and make the future bright. - Yes, generous patrons, your returning smile - Blesses our toils, and consecrates our pile. - - When last we met, Fate's unrelenting hand - Already grasp'd the devastating brand; - Slow crept the silent flame, ensnared its prize, - Then burst resistless to the astonish'd skies. - The glowing walls, disrobed of scenic pride, - In trembling conflict stemm'd the burning tide, - Till crackling, blazing, rocking to its fall, - Down rush'd the thundering roof, and buried all! - - Where late the sister Muses sweetly sung, - And raptur'd thousands on their music hung, - Where Wit and Wisdom shone by Beauty graced, - Sate lonely Silence, empress of the waste; - And still had reign'd--but he whose voice can raise - More magic wonders than Amphion's lays, - Bade jarring bands with friendly zeal engage, - To rear the prostrate glories of the stage. - Up leap'd the Muses at the potent spell, - And Drury's genius saw his temple swell, - Worthy, we hope, the British Drama's cause, - Worthy of British arts, and your applause. - - Guided by you, our earnest aims presume - To renovate the Drama with the dome; - The scenes of Shakespeare and our bards of old, - With due observance splendidly unfold, - Yet raise and foster with parental hand - The living talent of our native land. - O! may we still, to sense and nature true, - Delight the many, nor offend the few. - Tho' varying tastes our changeful drama claim, - Still be its moral tendency the same, - To win by precept, by example warn, - To brand the front of vice with pointed scorn, - And Virtue's smiling brows with votive wreaths adorn. - - - - -CUI BONO? - -BY LORD B. - - -I. - - Sated with home, of wife, of children tired, - The restless soul is driven abroad to roam; - Sated abroad, all seen, yet nought admired, - The restless soul is driven to ramble home; - Sated with both, beneath new Drury's dome - The fiend Ennui awhile consents to pine, - There growls, and curses, like a deadly gnome, - Scorning to view fantastic columbine, - Viewing with scorn and hate the nonsense of the Nine. - - -II. - - Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend your way, - To gaze on puppets in a painted dome, - Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray, - Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom, - What seek ye here? Joy's evanescent bloom? - Woe's me! the brightest wreaths she ever gave - Are but as flowers that decorate a tomb. - Man's heart the mournful urn o'er which they wave, - Is sacred to despair, its pedestal the grave. - - -III. - - Has life so little store of real woes, - That here ye wend to taste fictitious grief? - Or is it that from truth such anguish flows, - Ye court the lying drama for relief? - Long shall ye find the pang, the respite brief, - Or if one tolerable page appears - In folly's volume, 'tis the actor's leaf, - Who dries his own by drawing others' tears, - And, raising present mirth, makes glad his future years. - - -IV. - - Albeit how like young Betty doth he flee! - Light as the mote that danceth in the beam, - He liveth only in man's present e'e, - His life a flash, his memory a dream, - Oblivious down he drops in Lethe's stream; - Yet what are they, the learned and the great? - Awhile of longer wonderment the theme! - Who shall presume to prophesy their date, - Where nought is certain, save the uncertainty of fate? - - -V. - - This goodly pile, upheav'd by Wyatt's toil, - Perchance than Holland's edifice more fleet, - Again red Lemnos' artisan may spoil; - The fire alarm, and midnight drum may beat, - And all be strew'd ysmoking at your feet. - Start ye? Perchance Death's angel may be sent - Ere from the flaming temple ye retreat, - And ye who met on revel idlesse bent - May find in pleasure's fane your grave and monument, - - -VI. - - Your debts mount high--ye plunge in deeper waste, - The tradesman calls--no warning voice ye hear; - The plaintiff sues--to public shows ye haste; - The bailiff threats--ye feel no idle fear. - Who can arrest your prodigal career? - Who can keep down the levity of youth? - What sound can startle age's stubborn ear? - Who can redeem from wretchedness and ruth - Men true to falshood's voice, false to the voice of truth? - - -VII. - - To thee, blest saint! who doff'd thy skin to make - The Smithfield rabble leap from theirs with joy, - We dedicate the pile--arise! awake!-- - Knock down the Muses, wit and sense destroy, - Clear our new stage from reason's dull alloy, - Charm hobbling age, and tickle capering youth - With cleaver, marrow-bone, and Tunbridge toy; - While, vibrating in unbelieving tooth, - Harps twang in Drury's walls, and make her boards a booth. - - -VIII. - - For what is Hamlet, but a hare in March? - And what is Brutus, but a croaking owl? - And what is Rolla? Cupid steep'd in starch, - Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl. - Shakespeare, how true thine adage, "fair is foul;" - To him whose soul is with fruition fraught - The song of Braham is an Irish howl, - Thinking is but an idle waste of thought, - And nought is everything, and everything is nought. - - -IX. - - Sons of Parnassus? whom I view above, - Not laurel-crown'd but clad in rusty black, - Not spurring Pegasus through Tempé's grove, - But pacing Grub Street on a jaded hack, - What reams of foolscap, while your brains ye rack, - Ye mar to make again! for sure, ere long, - Condemn'd to tread the bard's time-sanctioned track, - Ye all shall join the bailiff-haunted throng, - And reproduce in rags the rags ye blot in song. - - -X. - - So fares the follower in the Muses' train, - He toils to starve, and only lives in death; - We slight him till our patronage is vain, - Then round his skeleton a garland wreathe, - And o'er his bones an empty requiem breathe-- - Oh! with what tragic horror would he start - (Could he be conjured from the grave beneath), - To find the stage again a Thespian cart, - And elephants and colts down trampling Shakespeare's art. - - -XI. - - Hence, pedant Nature! with thy Grecian rules! - Centaurs (not fabulous) those rules efface; - Back, sister Muses, to your native schools; - Here booted grooms usurp Apollo's place, - Hoofs shame the boards that Garrick used to grace, - The play of limbs succeeds the play of wit; - Man yields the drama to the Houynim race, - His prompter spurs, his licencer the bit, - The stage a stable-yard, a jockey-club the pit. - - -XII. - - Is it for these ye rear this proud abode? - Is it for these your superstition seeks - To build a temple worthy of a god, - To laud a monkey, or to worship leeks? - Then be the stage, to recompense your freaks, - A motley chaos, jumbling age and ranks, - Where Punch, the lignum vitæ Roscius, squeaks, - And Wisdom weeps, and Folly plays his pranks, - And moody Madness laughs, and hugs the chain he clanks. - - - - -_To the Secretary of the Managing Committee of Drury Lane Playhouse._ - - -SIR, - -To the gewgaw fetters of rhyme (invented by the monks to enslave the -people) I have a rooted objection. I have therefore written an address -for your theatre in plain, homespun, yeoman's prose; in the doing -whereof I hope I am swayed by nothing but an independent wish to open -the eyes of this gulled people, to prevent a repetition of the dramatic -bamboozling they have hitherto laboured under. If you like what I have -done, and mean to make use of it, I don't want any such aristocratic -reward as a piece of plate with two griffins sprawling upon it, or a dog -and a jackass fighting for a ha'p'worth of gilt gingerbread, or any such -Bartholomew Fair nonsense. All I ask is, that the door-keepers of your -playhouse may take all the sets of my Register, now on hand, and force -everybody who enters your door to buy one, giving afterwards a debtor and -creditor account of what they have received, post-paid, and in due course -remitting me the money and unsold Registers, carriage-paid. - - I am, &c., - W. C. - - - - -IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE FARMER. - - Rabidâ qui concitus irâ - Implevit pariter ternis latratibus auras - Et sparsit virides spumis albentibus agros.--OVID. - - -MOST THINKING PEOPLE, - -When persons address an audience from the stage, it is usual, either in -words or gesture, to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, your servant." If I -were base enough, mean enough, paltry enough, and brute beast enough, -to follow that fashion, I should tell two lies in a breath. In the -first place, you are not ladies and gentlemen, but I hope something -better--that is to say, honest men and women; and in the next place, -if you were ever so much ladies, and ever so much gentlemen, I am not, -nor ever will be, your humble servant. You see me here, most thinking -people, by mere chance. I have not been within the doors of a playhouse -before for these ten years, nor till that abominable custom of taking -money at the doors is discontinued, will I ever sanction a theatre with -my presence. The stage-door is the only gate of freedom in the whole -edifice, and through that I made my way from Bagshaw's in Brydges Street, -to accost you. Look about you. Are you not all comfortable? Nay, never -slink, mun; speak out, if you are dissatisfied, and tell me so before -I leave town. You are now (thanks to Mr. Whitbread) got into a large, -comfortable house. Not into a gimcrack palace; not into a Solomon's -temple; not into a frost-work of Brobdingnag filagree; but into a plain, -honest, homely, industrious, wholesome, brown, brick playhouse. You have -been struggling for independence and elbow-room these three years; and -who gave it you? Who helped you out of Lilliput? Who routed you from a -rat-hole, five inches by four, to perch you in a palace? Again and again -I answer, Mr. Whitbread. You might have sweltered in that place with the -Greek name till Doomsday, and neither Lord Castlereagh, Mr. Canning, -no, nor the Marquis Wellesley, would have turned a trowel to help you -out! Remember that. Never forget that. Read it to your children, and to -your children's children! And now, most thinking people, cast your eyes -over my head to what the builder (I beg his pardon, the architect) calls -the proscenium. No motto, no slang, no Popish Latin to keep the people -in the dark. No _Veluti in speculum_. Nothing in the dead languages, -properly so called, for they ought to die, ay, and be damned to boot! -The Covent Garden manager tried that, and a pretty business he made of -it! When a man says _Veluti in speculum_, he is called a man of letters. -Very well, and is not a man who cries O.P. a man of letters too? You -ran your O.P. against his _Veluti in speculum_, and pray which beat? I -prophesied that, though I never told anybody. I take it for granted, -that every intelligent man, woman, and child, to whom I address myself, -has stood severally and respectively in Little Russell Street, and cast -their, his, her, and its eyes on the outside of this building before they -paid their money to view the inside. Look at the brick-work, English -audience! Look at the brick-work! All plain and smooth like a quaker's -meeting. None of your Egyptian pyramids, to entomb subscribers' capitals. -No overgrown colonnades of stone, like an alderman's gouty legs in white -cotton stockings, fit only to use as rammers for paving Tottenham Court -Road. This house is neither after the model of a temple in Athens, no, -nor a temple in Moorfields, but it is built to act English plays in, and -provided you have good scenery, dresses, and decorations, I dare say you -wouldn't break your hearts if the outside were as plain as the pikestaff -I used to carry when I was a sergeant. _Apropos_, as the French valets -say, who cut their masters' throats--_apropos_, a word about dresses. You -must, many of you, have seen what I have read a description of--Kemble -and Mrs. Siddons in "Macbeth," with more gold and silver plastered on -their doublets than would have kept an honest family in butchers' meat -and flannel from year's end to year's end! I am informed (now mind, I -do not vouch for the fact), but I am informed that all such extravagant -idleness is to be done away with here. Lady Macbeth is to have a plain -quilted petticoat, a cotton gown, and a mob cap (as the court parasites -call it; it will be well for them if, one of these days, they don't -wear a mob cap--I mean a white cap, with a mob to look at them), and -Macbeth is to appear in an honest yeoman's drab coat, and a pair of black -calamanco breeches. Not _Sal_amanca; no, nor Talavera neither, my most -noble Marquis, but plain, honest, black calamanco, stuff breeches. This -is right; this is as it should be. Most thinking people, I have heard -you much abused. There is not a compound in the language but is strung -fifty in a rope, like onions, by the _Morning Post_, and hurled in your -teeth. You are called the mob, and when they have made you out to be the -mob, you are called the scum of the people, and the dregs of the people. -I should like to know how you can be both. Take a basin of broth--not -cheap soup, Mr. Wilberforce, not soup for the poor at a penny a quart, as -your mixture of horses' legs, brick-dust, and old shoes was denominated, -but plain, wholesome, patriotic beef or mutton broth; take this, examine -it, and you will find--mind, I don't vouch for the fact, but I am told -you will find the dregs at the bottom, and the scum at the top. I will -endeavour to explain this to you: England is a large earthenware pipkin. -John Bull is the beef thrown into it. Taxes are the hot water he boils -in. Rotten boroughs are the fuel that blazes under this same pipkin. -Parliament is the ladle that stirs the hodge-podge, and sometimes--but -hold, I don't wish to pay Mr. Newman a second visit. I leave you better -off than you have been this many a day. You have a good house over your -head; you have beat the French in Spain; the harvest has turned out -well; the comet keeps its distance; and red slippers are hawked about in -Constantinople for next to nothing, and for all this, again and again I -tell you, you are indebted to Mr. Whitbread! - - - - -THE LIVING LUSTRES. - -BY T. M. - - Jam te juvaverit - Viros relinquere, - Doctæque conjugis - Sinu quiescere.--SIR T. MORE. - - -I. - - O why should our dull retrospective Addresses - Fall damp as wet blankets on Drury Lane fire? - Away with blue devils, away with distresses, - And give the gay spirit to sparkling desire! - - -II. - - Let artists decide on the beauties of Drury, - The richest to me is when woman is there: - The question of houses I leave to the jury; - The fairest to me is the house of the fair. - - -III. - - When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, - And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, - What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders, - With Nature so bounteous, why call upon Art? - - -IV. - - How well would our actors attend to their duties, - Our house save in oil, and our authors in wit, - In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young beauties - Glanced light from their eyes between us and the pit. - - -V. - - The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge - By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, - To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College; - I mean the love-apples that bloom in the eyes. - - -VI. - - There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, - Still governs the slaves that are made by the fair, - For man is the pupil, who, while her eye's rolling, - Is lifted to rapture or sunk in despair. - - -VII. - - Bloom, Theatre, bloom, in the roseate blushes - Of beauty illumed by a love-breathing smile; - And flourish, ye pillars, as green as the rushes - That pillow the nymphs of the Emerald Isle. - - -VIII. - - For dear is the Emerald Isle of the Ocean, - Whose daughters are fair as the foam of the wave, - Whose sons, unaccustomed to rebel commotion, - Tho' joyous are sober, tho' peaceful are brave. - - -IX. - - The shamrock their olive, sworn foe to a quarrel, - Protects from the thunder and lightning of rows; - Their sprig of shillelagh is nothing but laurel, - Which flourishes rapidly over their brows. - - -X. - - Oh! soon shall they burst the tyrannical shackles, - Which each panting bosom indignantly names, - Until not one goose at the capital cackles, - Against the grand question of Catholic claims. - - -XI. - - And then shall each Paddy, who once on the Liffy - Perchance held the helm of some mack'rel hoy, - Hold the helm of the state, and dispense in a jiffy - More fishes than ever he caught when a boy. - - -XII. - - And those who now quit their hods, shovels, and barrows, - In crowds to the bar of some ale-house to flock, - When bred to _our_ bar shall be Gibbs's and Garrows, - Assume the silk gown and discard the smock-frock. - - -XIII. - - For Erin surpasses the daughters of Neptune, - As Dian outshines each encircling star, - And the spheres of the Heavens could never have kept tune - Till set to the music of Erin-go-bra! - - - - -THE REBUILDING. - -BY R. S. - - --per audaces nova dithyrambos - Verba devolvit, numerisque fertur - Lege solutis.--HORAT. - - -_Spoken by a_ GLENDOVEER. - - I am a blessed Glendoveer; - 'Tis mine to speak, and yours to hear. - - MIDNIGHT, yet not a nose - From Tower Hill to Piccadilly snored! - Midnight, yet not a nose - From Indra drew the essence of repose! - See with what crimson fury, - By Indra fann'd, the god of fire ascends the walls of Drury; - The tops of houses, blue with lead, - Bend beneath the landlord's tread. - - Master and 'prentice, serving man and lord, - Nailer and tailor, - Grazier and brazier, - Thro' streets and alleys pour'd, - All, all abroad to gaze, - And wonder at the blaze. - Thick calf, fat foot, and slim knee, - Mounted on roof and chimney, - The mighty roast, the mighty stew - To see; - As if the dismal view - Were but to them a Brentford jubilee. - - Vainly, all radiant Surya, sire of Phaeton, - (By the Greeks called Apollo) - Hollow - Sounds from thy harp proceed; - Combustible as reed, - The tongue of Vulcan licks thy wooden legs: - From Drury's top, dissever'd from thy pegs, - Thou tumblest, - Humblest, - Where late thy bright effulgence shone on high: - While, by thy somerset excited, fly - Ten million, - Billion - Sparks from the pit, to gem the sable sky. - Now come the men of fire to quench the fires, - To Russell Street see Globe and Atlas run, - Hope gallops first, and second Sun; - On flying heel, - See Hand-in-Hand - O'ertake the band; - View with what glowing wheel - He nicks - Phoenix; - While Albion scampers from Bridge Street, Blackfriars, - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - They shout and they bellow again and again. - All, all in vain! - Water turns steam; - Each blazing beam - Hisses defiance to the eddying spout, - It seems but too plain that nothing can put it out! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - See, Drury Lane expires! - - Pent in by smoke-dried beams, twelve moons or more, - Shorn of his ray, - Surya in durance lay: - The workmen heard him shout, - But thought it would not pay - To dig him out. - When lo! terrific Yamen, lord of hell, - Solemn as lead, - Judge of the dead, - Sworn foe to witticism, - By men called criticism, - Came passing by that way: - "Rise!" cried the fiend, "behold a sight of gladness! - Behold the rival theatre, - I've set O.P. at her, - Who, like a bull-dog bold, - Growls and fastens on his hold; - The many-headed rabble roar in madness: - Thy rival staggers; come and spy her - Deep in the mud as thou art in the mire." - - So saying, in his arms he caught the beaming one, - And crossing Russell Street, - He placed him on his feet, - 'Neath Covent Garden dome. Sudden a sound - As of the bricklayers of Babel rose: - Horns, rattles, drums, tin trumpets, sheets of copper, - Punches and slaps, thwacks of all sorts and sizes, - From the knobb'd bludgeon to the taper switch, - Ran echoing round the walls; paper placards - Blotted the lamps, boots brown with mud the benches: - A sea of heads roll'd roaring in the pit; - On paper wings O.P.'s - Reclin'd in lettered ease; - While shout and scoff, - "Ya! ya! off! off!" - Like thunderbolt on Surya's ear-drum fell, - And seem'd to paint - The savage oddities of Saint - Bartholomew in hell. - - Tears dimm'd the god of light; - "Bear me back, Yamen, from this hideous sight, - Bear me back, Yamen, I grow sick, - Oh! bury me again in brick; - Shall I on New Drury tremble, - To be O.P.'d like Kemble? - No, - Better remain by rubbish guarded, - Than thus hubbubish groan placarded; - Bear me back, Yamen, bear me quick, - And bury me again in brick." - Obedient Yamen - Answer'd, Amen, - And did - As he was bid. - - There lay the buried god, and Time - Seem'd to decree eternity of lime; - But pity, like a dewdrop, gently prest - Almighty Veeshnoo's adamantine breast: - He, the preserver, ardent still - To do whate'er he says he will, - From South-hill urg'd his way, - To raise the drooping lord of day. - All earthly spells the busy one o'erpower'd; - He treats with men of all conditions, - Poets and players, tradesmen, and musicians; - Nay, even ventures - To attack the renters, - Old and new: - A list he gets - Of claims and debts, - And deems nought done while aught remains to do - Yamen beheld and wither'd at the sight; - Long had he aim'd the sunbeam to control, - For light was hateful to his soul: - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spite, - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spleen, - "Thy toils of the morning, like Ithaca's queen, - I'll toil to undo every night." - - Ye sons of song, rejoice! - Veeshnoo has still'd the jarring elements, - The spheres hymn music; - Again the god of day - Peeps forth with trembling ray, - And pours at intervals a strain divine. - "I have an iron yet in the fire," cried Yamen; - "The vollied flame rides in my breath, - My blast is elemental death; - This hand shall tear their paper bonds to pieces; - Ingross your deeds, assignments, leases, - My breath shall every line erase, - Soon as I blow the blaze." - - The lawyers are met at the Crown and Anchor, - And Yamen's visage grows blanker and blanker, - The lawyers are met at the Anchor and Crown, - And Yamen's cheek is a russety brown, - Veshnoo, now thy work proceeds; - The solicitor reads, - And, merit of merit! - Red wax and green ferret, - Are fix'd at the foot of the deeds! - - Yamen beheld and shiver'd; - His finger and thumb were cramp'd; - His ear by the flea in't was bitten, - When he saw by the lawyer's clerk written, - "Sealed and delivered," - Being first duly stamped. - - "Now for my turn," the demon cries, and blows - A blast of sulphur from his mouth and nose; - Ah! bootless aim! the critic fiend, - Sagacious Yamen, judge of hell, - Is judged in his turn; - Parchment won't burn! - His schemes of vengeance are dissolv'd in air, - Parchment won't tear! - - Is it not written in the Himakoot book - (That mighty Baly from Kehama took), - "Who blows on pounce - Must the Swerga renounce?" - It is! it is! Yamen, thine hour is nigh; - Like as an eagle claws an asp, - Veeshnoo has caught him in his mighty grasp, - And hurl'd him in spite of his shrieks and his squalls, - Whizzing aloft like the Temple fountain, - Three times as high as Meru mountain, - Which is - Ninety-nine times as high as St. Paul's. - Descending, he twisted like Levy the Jew, - Who a durable grave meant - To dig in the pavement - Of Monument Yard; - To earth by the laws of attraction he flew, - And he fell, and he fell, - To the regions of hell; - Nine centuries bounced he from cavern to rock, - And his head, as he tumbled, went nickety-nock, - Like a pebble in Carisbrooke well. - - Now Veeshnoo turn'd round to a capering varlet, - Array'd in blue and white and scarlet, - And cried, "Oh! brown of slipper as of hat! - Lend me, harlequin, thy bat!" - He seiz'd the wooden sword, and smote the earth, - When lo! upstarting into birth, - A fabric, gorgeous to behold, - Outshone in elegance the old, - And Veeshnoo saw, and cried, "Hail, playhouse mine!" - Then, bending his head, to Surya he said, - "Go, mount yon edifice, - And show thy steady face - In renovated pride, - More bright, more glorious than before!" - But ah! coy Surya still felt a twinge, - Still smarted from his former singe, - And to Veeshnoo replied, - In a tone rather gruff, - "No, thank you! one tumble's enough!" - - - - -DRURY'S DIRGE. - -BY LAURA MATILDA. - - You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force, - Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse: - We want their strength, agreed; but we atone - For that and more, by sweetness all our own.--GIFFORD. - - -I. - - Balmy Zephyrs lightly flitting, - Shade me with your azure wing; - On Parnassus' summit sitting, - Aid me, Clio, while I sing. - - -II. - - Softly slept the dome of Drury, - O'er the empyreal crest, - When Alecto's sister-fury, - Softly slumb'ring sunk to rest. - - -III. - - Lo! from Lemnos limping lamely, - Lags the lowly Lord of Fire, - Cytherea yielding tamely, - To the Cyclops dark and dire. - - -IV. - - Clouds of amber, dreams of gladness, - Dulcet joys and sports of youth, - Soon must yield to haughty sadness, - Mercy holds the veil to Truth. - - -V. - - See Erostratus the second, - Fires again Diana's fane; - By the Fates from Orcus beckon'd, - Clouds envelop Drury Lane. - - -VI. - - Lurid smoke and frank suspicion, - Hand in hand reluctant dance; - While the god fulfils his mission, - Chivalry, resign thy lance. - - -VII. - - Hark! the engines blandly thunder, - Fleecy clouds dishevell'd lie, - And the firemen, mute with wonder, - On the son of Saturn cry. - - -VIII. - - See the bird of Ammon sailing, - Perches on the engine's peak, - And the Eagle firemen hailing, - Soothes them with its bickering beak. - - -IX. - - Juno saw, and mad with malice, - Lost the prize that Paris gave. - Jealousy's ensanguin'd chalice, - Mantling pours the orient wave. - - -X. - - Pan beheld Patroclus dying, - Nox to Niobe was turn'd; - From Busiris Bacchus flying, - Saw his Semele inurn'd. - - -XI. - - Thus fell Drury's lofty glory, - Levell'd with the shuddering stones, - Mars with tresses black and gory, - Drinks the dew of pearly groans. - - -XII. - - Hark! what soft Eolian numbers, - Gem the blushes of the morn; - Break, Amphion, break your slumbers, - Nature's ringlets deck the thorn. - - -XIII. - - Ha! I hear the strain erratic, - Dimly glance from pole to pole, - Raptures sweet and dreams ecstatic - Fire my everlasting soul. - - -XIV. - - Where is Cupid's crimson motion? - Billowy ecstasy of woe, - Bear me straight, meandering ocean, - Where the stagnant torrents flow. - - -XV. - - Blood in every vein is gushing, - Vixen vengeance lulls my heart, - See, the Gorgon gang is rushing! - Never, never let us part. - - - - -A TALE OF DRURY LANE. - -BY W. S. - - Thus he went on, stringing one extravagance upon another, in the - style his books of chivalry had taught him, and imitating as near - as he could their very phrase.--DON QUIXOTE. - - -_To be spoken by_ MR. KEMBLE _in a Suit of the Black Prince's Armour, -borrowed from the Tower_. - - Survey this shield all bossy bright; - These cuisses twain behold; - Look on my form in armour dight - Of steel inlaid with gold. - My knees are stiff in iron buckles, - Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles. - These once belong'd to sable prince, - Who never did in battle wince; - With valour tart as pungent quince, - He slew the vaunting Gaul: - Rest there awhile, my bearded lance, - While from green curtain I advance - To yon footlights, no trivial dance, - And tell the town what sad mischance - Did Drury Lane befall. - - -The Night. - - On fair Augusta's towers and trees - Flitted the silent midnight breeze, - Curling the foliage as it past, - Which from the moon-tipp'd plumage cast - A spangled light like dancing spray. - Then reassumed its still array: - Whenas night's lamp unclouded hung, - And down its full effulgence flung, - It shed such soft and balmy power, - That cot and castle, hall and bower, - And spire and dome, and turret height, - Appear'd to slumber in the light. - From Henry's chapel, Rufus' hall, - To Savoy, Temple, and St. Paul, - From Knightsbridge, Pancras, Camden Town, - To Redriff, Shadwell, Horsleydown, - No voice was heard, no eye unclosed, - But all in deepest sleep reposed. - They might have thought, who gazed around - Amid a silence so profound, - It made the senses thrill, - That 'twas no place inhabited, - But some vast city of the dead, - was so hush'd and still. - - -The Burning. - - As Chaos which, by heavenly doom, - Had slept in everlasting gloom, - Started with terror and surprise, - When light first flash'd upon her eyes; - So London's sons in night-cap woke, - In bed-gown woke her dames, - For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke, - And twice ten hundred voices spoke, - "The Playhouse is in flames." - And lo! where Catherine Street extends, - A fiery tale its lustre lends - To every window-pane; - Blushes each spout in Martlet Court, - And Barbican, moth-eaten fort, - And Govent Garden kennels sport, - A bright ensanguin'd drain; - Meux's new brewhouse shows the light, - Rowland Hill's chapel, and the height - Where patent shot they sell: - The Tennis Court, so fair and tall, - Partakes the ray, with Surgeons' Hall, - The ticket porter's house of call, - Old Bedlam, close by London Wall, - Wright's shrimp and oyster shop withal, - And Richardson's Hotel. - - Nor these alone, but far and wide - Across the Thames's gleaming tide, - To distant fields the blaze was borne, - And daisy white and hoary thorn - In borrow'd lustre seem'd to sham - The rose or red sweet Wil-li-am. - To those who on the hills around - Beheld the flames from Drury's mound, - As from a lofty altar rise; - It seem'd that nations did conspire, - To offer to the god of fire - Some vast stupendous sacrifice! - The summon'd firemen woke at call, - And hied them to their stations all. - Starting from short and broken snooze, - Each sought his pond'rous hobnail'd shoes, - But first his worsted hosen plied, - Plush breeches next in crimson dyed, - His nether bulk embraced; - Then jacket thick of red or blue, - Whose massy shoulder gave to view - The badge of each respective crew, - In tin or copper traced. - The engines thunder'd thro' the street, - Fire-hook, pipe, bucket, all complete, - And torches glared, and clattering feet - Along the pavement paced. - - And one, the leader of the band, - From Charing Cross along the Strand, - Like stag by beagles hunted hard, - Ran till he stopp'd at Vin'gar Yard. - The burning badge his shoulder bore, - The belt and oilskin hat he wore, - The cane he had his men to bang, - Show'd foreman of the British gang. - His name was Higginbottom; now - 'Tis meet that I should tell you how - The others came in view: - The Hand-in-Hand the race begun, - Then came the Phoenix and the Sun, - Th' Exchange, where old insurers run, - The Eagle, where the new; - With these came Rumford, Bumford, Cole, - Robins from Hockley-in-the-Hole, - Lawson and Dawson, cheek by jowl, - Crump from St. Giles's Pound: - Whitford and Mitford join'd the train, - Huggins and Muggins from Chick Lane, - And Clutterbuck, who got a sprain - Before the plug was found. - Hobson and Jobson did not sleep, - But ah! no trophy could they reap, - For both were in the Donjon Keep - Of Bridewell's gloomy mound! - - E'en Higginbottom now was posed, - For sadder scene was ne'er disclosed; - Without, within, in hideous show, - Devouring flames resistless glow, - And blazing rafters downward go, - And never halloo "heads below!" - Nor notice give at all: - The firemen, terrified, are slow - To bid the pumping torrent flow, - For fear the roof should fall. - Back, Robins, back! Crump, stand aloof! - Whitford, keep near the walls! - Huggins, regard your own behoof, - For lo! the blazing rocking roof - Down, down in thunder falls! - - An awful pause succeeds the stroke, - And o'er the ruins volumed smoke, - Rolling around its pitchy shroud, - Conceal'd them from th' astonish'd crowd. - At length the mist awhile was clear'd, - When lo! amid the wreck uprear'd, - Gradual a moving head appear'd, - And Eagle firemen knew: - 'Twas Joseph Muggins, name revered, - The foreman of their crew. - Loud shouted all in signs of woe, - "A Muggins to the rescue, ho!" - And pour'd the hissing tide: - Meanwhile the Muggins fought amain, - And strove and struggled all in vain, - For rallying but to fall again. - He totter'd, sunk, and died! - - Did none attempt, before he fell, - To succour one they loved so well? - Yes, Higginbottom did aspire - (His fireman's soul was all on fire) - His brother chief to save; - But ah! his reckless generous ire - Served but to share his grave! - 'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams, - Thro' fire and smoke he dauntless broke, - Where Muggins broke before. - But sulphury stench and boiling drench, - Destroying sight, o'erwhelm'd him quite, - He sunk to rise no more. - Still o'er his head, while fate he braved, - His whizzing water-pipe he waved; - "Whitford and Mitford, ply your pumps, - You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps, - Why are you in such doleful dumps? - A fireman and afraid of bumps! - What are they fear'd on? fools! 'od rot 'em!" - Were the last words of Higginbottom. - - -The Revival. - - Peace to his soul! new prospects bloom, - And toil rebuilds what fires consume! - Eat we and drink we, be our ditty, - "Joy to the managing committee." - Eat we and drink we, join to rum - Roast beef and pudding of the plum; - Forth from thy nook, John Horner, come, - With bread of ginger brown thy thumb, - For this is Drury's gay day: - Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops, - And buy, to glad thy smiling chops, - Crisp parliament with lollipops, - And fingers of the lady. - - Didst mark, how toil'd the busy train - From morn to eve, till Drury Lane - Leap'd like a roebuck from the plain? - Ropes rose and sunk, and rose again, - And nimble workmen trod; - To realize bold Wyatt's plan - Rush'd many a howling Irishman, - Loud clatter'd many a porter can, - And many a ragamuffin clan, - With trowel and with hod. - - Drury revives! her rounded pate - Is blue, is heavenly blue with slate; - She "wings the midway air" elate, - As magpie, crow, or chough; - White paint her modish visage smears, - Yellow and pointed are her ears, - No pendant portico appears - Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears - Have cut the bauble off. - - Yes, she exalts her stately head, - And, but that solid bulk outspread, - Opposed you on your onward tread, - And posts and pillars warranted - That all was true that Wyatt said, - You might have deem'd her walls so thick, - Were not composed of stone or brick, - But all a phantom, all a trick, - Of brain disturb'd and fancy-sick, - So high she soars, so vast, so quick. - - - - -JOHNSON'S GHOST. - -_Ghost of_ DR. JOHNSON _rises from trap-door P.S. and Ghost of_ BOSWELL, -_from trap-door O.P. The latter bows respectfully to the House, and -obsequiously to the Doctor's Ghost, and retires_. - - -_Doctor's Ghost loquitur._ - -That which was organized by the moral ability of one, has been executed -by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now complete. -Of that part behind the curtain, which has not yet been destined to -glow beneath the brush of the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of -the carpenter, little is thought by the public, and little need be -said by the committee. Truth, however, is not to be sacrificed for the -accommodation of either, and he who should pronounce that our edifice -has received its final embellishment, would be disseminating falsehood -without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection without -participating the advantage of success. - -Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are alike -inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the practice -of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that because we -are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance is any indication of -despondency, or humility of demerit. He that is the most assured of -success will make the fewest appeals to favour, and where nothing is -claimed that is undue, nothing that is due will be withheld. A swelling -opening is too often succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient -mountains have ere now produced muscipular abortions, and the auditor -who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity, is reminded of the -pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly perambulate her streets, -exclaiming, "In the name of the Prophet--figs!" - -Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are thought wise -by others, the exertions are directed to the revival of mouldering -and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that which is now rare -only because it was always worthless, and whose deterioration, while -it condemned it to living obscurity, by a strange obliquity of moral -perception constitutes its title to posthumous renown. To embody the -flying colours of folly, to arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the -globular consistency as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald -denizen of the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display -the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinizing of -Punch; these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, limited -to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous for the -application of satire, and too humble for the incitement of jealousy. - -Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, from -the cooling nectarine and luscious peach, to the puny pippin and the -noxious nut. There indolence may repose, and inebriety revel; and the -spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, may there chatter with -impunity, debarred by a barrier of brick and mortar from marring that -scenic interest in others, which nature and education have disqualified -him from comprehending himself. - -Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent cannot be -removed, for if removed it soon ceases to be permanent. What stationary -absurdity can vie with that ligneous barricado, which, decorated with -frappant and tintinabulant appendages, now serves, as the entrance of -the lowly cottage, and now as the exit of a lady's bed-chamber; at one -time insinuating plastic Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and at another, -yawning as the flood-gate to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles's into -the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to give to -each respective mansion the door which the carpenter would doubtless have -given, we vary our portal with the varying scene, passing from deal to -mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, -palace, or castle may appear to require. - -Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, it is -fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of despondence that -assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere expressed it, "who live -to please," should not have their own pleasures entirely overlooked. -The children of Thespis are general in their censures of the architect -in having placed the locality of exit at such a distance from the oily -irradiators which now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you. I am, -cries the Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the -king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders he means -to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff "ere his purpose cool," so vast -is the interval he has to travel before he can escape from the stage, -that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your condition, cries the Muse -of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet's down in comparison with mine. The -peerless peer of capers and congees has laid it down as a rule, that the -best good thing uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly -to the doorway, last impressions vieing in durability with first. But -when on this boarded elongation it falls to my lot to say a good thing, -to ejaculate "keep moving," or to chaunt "hic hoc horum genetivo," many -are the moments that must elapse ere I can hide myself from public vision -in the recesses of O.P. or P.S. - -To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously maintained, -it is time that equity should conclusively reply. Deviation from -scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for the consequences -it generates. Let the actor consider the line of exit as that line -beyond which he should not soar in quest of spurious applause: let him -reflect that in proportion as he advances to the lamps, he recedes from -nature; that the truncheon of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from -encountering the cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura -of Mandane may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles -it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern critical -Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky, has, _ex cathedrâ_, asserted -that a natural actor looks upon the audience part of the theatre as the -third side of the chamber he inhabits. Surely of the third wall thus -fancifully erected, our actors should by ridicule or reason be withheld -from knocking their heads against the stucco. - -Time forcibly reminds me that all things which have a limit must be -brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion arrives, recall -to your recollection that the pillars which rise on either side of -me, blooming in varied antiquity, like two massy evergreens, had yet -slumbered in their native quarry, but for the ardent exertions of the -individual who called them into life: to his never-slumbering talents you -are indebted for whatever pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated -to afford. If, in defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the -temple of Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may -confidently predict, that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo will -stand recorded to distant posterity in that of--SAMUEL WHITBREAD. - - - - -THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY. - -BY THE HON. W. S. - - Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvas.--VIRGIL. - -_Scene draws, and discovers a Lady asleep on a couch. Enter_ PHILANDER. - - -PHILANDER. - - -I. - - Sobriety, cease to be sober, - Cease, Labour, to dig and to delve, - And hail to this tenth of October, - One thousand eight hundred and twelve. - Hah! whom do my peepers remark? - 'Tis Hebe with Jupiter's jug; - Oh no, 'tis the pride of the Park, - Fair Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -II. - - Why, beautiful nymph, do you close - The curtain that fringes your eye? - Why veil in the clouds of repose - The sun that should brighten our sky? - Perhaps jealous Venus has oil'd - Thy hair with some opiate drug, - Not choosing her charms should be foil'd - By Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -III. - - But ah! why awaken the blaze - The bright burning-glasses contain, - Whose lens with concentrated rays - Proved fatal to old Drury Lane. - 'Twas all accidental they cry,-- - Away with the flimsy humbug! - 'Twas tired by a flash from the eye - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -IV. - - Thy glance can in us raise a flame, - Then why should old Drury be free? - Our doom and its doom are the same, - Both subject to beauty's decree. - No candles the workmen consum'd, - When deep in the ruins they dug, - Thy flash still their progress illum'd, - Sweet Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -V. - - Thy face a rich fireplace displays; - The mantel-piece marble--thy brows; - Thine eyes are the bright beaming blaze, - Thy bib which no trespass allows, - The fender's tall barrier marks; - Thy tippet's the fire-quelling rug, - Which serves to extinguish the sparks - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -VI. - - The Countess a lily appears, - Whose tresses the dewdrops emboss; - The Marchioness blooming in years, - A rosebud envelop'd in moss; - But thou art the sweet passion-flower, - For who would not slavery hug, - To pass but one exquisite hour - In the arms of Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VII. - - When at Court, or some dowager's rout, - Her diamond aigrette meets our view, - She looks like a glow-worm dress'd out, - Or tulips bespangled with dew. - Her two lips denied to man's suit, - Are shared with her favourite Pug; - What lord would not change with the brute, - To live with Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VIII. - - Could the stage be a large _vis-à-vis_, - Reserv'd for the polish'd and great, - Where each happy lover might see - The nymph he adores _tête-à-tête_; - No longer I'd gaze on the ground, - And the load of despondency lug, - For I'd book myself all the year round, - To ride with the sweet Lady Mugg. - - -IX. - - Yes, she in herself is a host, - And if she were here all alone, - Our house might nocturnally boast - A bumper of fashion and ton. - Again should it burst in a blaze, - In vain would they ply Congreve's plug, - For nought could extinguish the rays - From the glance of divine Lady Mugg. - - -X. - - O could I as Harlequin frisk, - And thou be my Columbine fair, - My wand should with one magic whisk - Transport us to Hanover Square; - St. George should lend us his shrine, - The parson his shoulders might shrug, - But a licence should force him to join - My hand in the hand of my Mugg. - - -XI. - - Court-plaister the weapons should tip, - By Cupid shot down from above, - Which cut into spots for thy lip, - Should still barb the arrows of love. - The god who from others flies quick, - With us should be slow as a slug, - As close as a leech he should stick - To me and Elizabeth Mugg. - - -XII. - - For Time would, like us, 'stead of sand, - Put filings of steel in his glass, - To dry up the blots of his hand, - And spangle life's page as they pass. - Since all flesh is grass ere 'tis hay, - O may I in clover live snug, - And when old Time mows me away, - Be stack'd with defunct Lady Mugg. - - - - -FIRE AND ALE. - -BY M. G. L. - -Omnia transformat sese in miracula rerum.--VIRGIL. - - - My palate is parch'd with Pierian thirst, - Away to Parnassus I'm beckon'd; - List, warriors and dames, while my lay is rehears'd, - I sing of the singe of Miss Drury the first, - And the birth of Miss Drury the second. - - The Fire King one day rather amorous felt; - He mounted his hot copper filly; - His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt - Was made of cast iron, for fear it should melt - With the heat of the copper colt's belly. - - Sure never was skin half so scalding as his! - When an infant, 'twas equally horrid, - For the water when he was baptized gave a fizz, - And bubbled and simmer'd and started off, whizz! - As soon as it sprinkled his forehead. - - Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, - For two living coals were the symbols; - His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, - It rattled against them as though you should try - To play the piano in thimbles. - - From his nostrils a lava sulphureous flows, - Which scorches wherever it lingers, - A snivelling fellow he's call'd by his foes, - For he can't raise his paw up to blow his red nose, - For fear it should blister his fingers. - - His wig is of flames curling over his head, - Well powder'd with white smoking ashes; - He drinks gunpowder tea, melted sugar of lead, - Cream of tartar, and dines on hot spice gingerbread, - Which black from the oven he gnashes. - - Each fire nymph his kiss from her countenance shields, - 'Twould soon set her cheekbone a-frying - He spit in the tenter-ground near Spitalfields, - And the hole that it burnt and the chalk that it yields - Make a capital limekiln for drying. - - When he open'd his mouth out there issued a blast, - (_Nota bene_, I do not mean swearing,) - But the noise that it made and the heat that it cast, - I've heard it from those who have seen it, surpass'd - A shot manufactory flaring. - - He blaz'd and he blaz'd as he gallop'd to snatch - His bride, little dreaming of danger; - His whip was a torch, and his spur was a match, - And over the horse's left eye was a patch, - To keep it from burning the manger. - - And who is the housemaid he means to enthral - In his cinder-producing alliance? - 'Tis Drury Lane Playhouse, so wide, and so tall, - Who, like other combustible ladies, must fall, - If she cannot set sparks at defiance. - - On his warming-pan knee-pan he clattering roll'd, - And the housemaid his hand would have taken, - But his hand, like his passion, was too hot to hold, - And she soon let it go, but her new ring of gold - All melted, like butter or bacon! - - Oh! then she look'd sour, and indeed well she might, - For Vinegar Yard was before her, - But, spite of her shrieks, the ignipotent knight, - Enrobing the maid in a flame of gas-light, - To the skies in a sky-rocket bore her. - - Look! look! 'tis the Ale King, so stately and starch, - Whose votaries scorn to be sober; - He pops from his vat, like a cedar or larch: - Brown stout is his doublet, he hops in his march, - And froths at the mouth in October. - - His spear is a spigot, his shield is a bung; - He taps where the housemaid no more is, - When lo! at his magical bidding, upsprung - A second Miss Drury, tall, tidy, and young, - And sported _in loco sororis_. - - Back, lurid in air, for a second regale, - The Cinder King, hot with desire, - To Brydges Street hied; but the Monarch of Ale, - With uplifted spigot and faucet, and pail, - Thus chided the Monarch of Fire: - - "Vile tyrant, beware of the ferment I brew, - I rule the roast here, dash the wig o' me! - If, spite of your marriage with Old Drury, you - Come here with your tinderbox, courting the New, - I'll have you indicted for bigamy!" - - - - -PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS. - -BY S. T. C. - - - Ille velut fidis aroana sodalibus olim - Credebat libris; neque si male cesserat, usquam - Decurrens alio, neque si bene.--HORAT. - - - My pensive public, wherefore look you sad? - I had a grandmother, she kept a donkey - To carry to the mart her crockery ware, - And when that donkey look'd me in the face, - His face was sad! and you are sad, my public! - - Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October - Again assembles us in Drury Lane. - Long wept my eye to see the timber planks - That hid our ruins; many a day I cried, - "Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!" - Till on one eve, one joyful Monday eve, - As along Charles Street I prepared to walk, - Just at the corner, by the pastry-cook's, - I heard a trowel tick against a brick. - I look'd me up, and straight a parapet - Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks. - "Joy to thee, Drury!" to myself I said: - "He of Blackfriars Road who hymn'd thy downfall - In loud hosannahs, and who prophesied - That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma, - Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee, - Has proved a lying prophet." From that hour, - As leisure offer'd, close to Mr. Spring's - Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders. - They had a plan to render less their labours; - Workmen in elder times would mount a ladder - With hodded heads, but these stretch'd forth a pole - From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley - Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley; - To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks - Thus freighted, swung securely to the top, - And in the empty basket workmen twain - Precipitate, unhurt, accosted earth. - - Oh! 'twas a goodly sound to hear the people - Who watch'd the work, express their various thoughts! - While some believ'd it never would be finish'd, - Some on the contrary believ'd it would. - - I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane - Much criticis'd; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work, - A mimic manufactory of floor-cloth. - One of the morning papers wish'd that front - Cemented like the front in Brydges Street; - As it now looks they call it Wyatt's Mermaid, - A handsome woman with a fish's tail. - - White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The Albion (as its name denotes) is white; - Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables - Gleams like a snowball in the setting sun; - White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders, - Nor white Whitehall is white as Drury's face. - - Oh, Mr. Whitbread! fie upon you, sir! - I think you should have built a colonnade; - When tender Beauty, looking for her coach, - Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower, - And draws the tippet closer round her throat. - Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off, - And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud - Soaks thro' her pale kid slipper. On the morrow - She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa - Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!" - To build no portico is penny wise: - Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish! - - Hail to thee, Drury! Queen of Theatres! - What is the Regency in Tottenham Street, - The Royal Amphitheatre of Arts, - Astley's Olympic, or the Sans Pareil, - Compar'd with thee? Yet when I view thee push'd - Back from the narrow street that christen'd thee, - I know not why they call thee Drury Lane. - - Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions, - It grieves me much to see live animals - Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit, - Laurent his cat, and Bradbury his pig; - Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist - Of former Drury, imitated life - Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard, - Stuff'd by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis, - As spruce as he who roar'd in Padmanaba. - Nought born on earth should die. On hackney stands - I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee," - And spares the lash. When I behold a spider - Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm, - Or view a butcher with horn-handle knife - Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton, - Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very sick! [_Exit hastily._ - - - - -DRURY LANE HUSTINGS. - -A NEW HALFPENNY BALLAD. - -BY A PIC-NIC POET. - - This is the very age of promise. To promise is most courtly and - fashionable. Performance is a kind of will or testament, which - argues a great sickness in his judgment that makes it.--TIMON OF - ATHENS. - - - _To be sung by_ MR. JOHNSTONE _in the character of_ - LOONEY M'TWOLTER. - - -I. - - "Mr. Jack, your address," says the prompter to me, - So I gave him my card--"No, that a'nt it," says he, - "'Tis your public address." "Oh!" says I, "never fear, - If address you are bother'd for, only look here." - [_Puts on hat affectedly._ - Tol de rol lol, &c. - - -II. - - With Drurys for sartain we'll never have done, - We've built up another, and yet there's but one; - The old one was best, yet I'd say, if I durst, - The new one is better--the last is the first. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -III. - - These pillars are called by a Frenchified word, - A something that's jumbled of antique and verd, - The boxes may show us some verdant antiques, - Some bold harridans who beplaster their cheeks. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IV. - - Only look how high Tragedy, Comedy, stick, - Lest their rivals, the horses, should give them a kick! - If you will not descend when our authors beseech ye, - You'll stop there for life, for I'm sure they can't reach ye. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -V. - - Each one shilling god within reach of a nod is, - And plain are the charms of each gallery goddess, - You, brandy-faced Moll, don't be looking askew, - When I talked of a goddess I didn't mean you. - Tol de rol, &c - - -VI. - - Our stage is so prettily fashion'd for viewing, - The whole house can see what the whole house is doing. - 'Tis just like the hustings, we kick up a bother, - But saying is one thing and doing's another. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VII. - - We've many new houses, and some of them rum ones, - But the newest of all is the new House of Commons, - 'Tis a rickety sort of a bantling I'm told, - It will die of old age when it's seven years old. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VIII. - - As I don't know on whom the election will fall, - I move in return for returning them all; - But for fear Mr. Speaker my meaning should miss, - The house that I wish 'em to sit in is this. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IX. - - Let us cheer our great Commoner, but for whose aid - We all should have gone with short commons to bed, - And since he has saved all the fat from the fire, - I move that the House be call'd Whitbread's Entire. - Tol de rol, &c. - - - - -ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS. - -TRANSLATED BY DR. B. - -Lege, Dick, Lege!--JOSEPH ANDREWS. - - -_To be recited by the Translator's Son._ - - Away, fond dupes! who smit with sacred lore, - Mosaic dreams in Genesis explore, - Dote with Copernicus, or darkling stray - With Newton, Ptolemy, or Tycho Brahe: - To you I sing not, for I sing of truth, - Primæval systems, and creation's youth; - Such as of old, with magic wisdom fraught, - Inspired Lucretius to the Latians taught. - - I sing how casual bricks, in airy climb, - Encounter'd casual horse-hair, casual lime; - How rafters borne through wondering clouds elate, - Kiss'd in their slope blue elemental slate, - Clasp'd solid beams in chance-directed fury, - And gave to birth our renovated Drury. - Thee, son of Jove, whose sceptre was confessed, - Where fair OEolia springs from Tethys' breast: - Thence on Olympus 'mid Celestials placed, - God of the winds, and Ether's boundless waste, - Thee I invoke! Oh, _puff_ my bold design, - Prompt the bright thought, and swell the harmonious line; - Uphold my pinions, and my verse inspire - With Winsor's patent gas, or wind of fire, - In whose pure blaze thy embryo form enroll'd, - The dark enlightens, and enchafes the cold. - - But while I court thy gifts, be mine to shun - The deprecated prize Ulysses won; - Who sailing homeward from thy breezy shore, - The prison'd winds in skins of parchment bore:-- - Speeds the fleet bark, till o'er the billowy green - The azure heights of Ithaca are seen; - But while with favouring gales her way she wins, - His curious comrades ope the mystic skins: - When lo! the rescued winds, with boisterous sweep, - Roar to the clouds, and lash the rocking deep; - Heaves the smote vessel in the howling blast, - Splits the stretch'd sail, and cracks the tottering mast. - Launch'd on a plank, the buoyant hero rides - Where ebon Afric stems the sable tides, - While his duck'd comrades o'er the ocean fly, - And sleep not in the whole skins they untie. - - So when to raise the wind some lawyer tries, - Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes. - On speed the smiling suit, "Pleas of our Lord - The King" shine jetty on the wide record: - Nods the prunella'd bar, attornies smile, - And siren jurors flatter to beguile; - Till stript--nonsuited--he is doom'd to toss - In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss; - Lucky, if, like Ulysses, he can keep - His head above the waters of the deep. - - Æolian monarch! Emperor of Puffs! - We modern sailors dread not thy rebuffs; - See to thy golden shore promiscuous come - Quacks for the lame, the blind, the deaf, the dumb; - Fools are their bankers--a prolific line, - And every mortal malady's a mine. - Each sly Sangrado, with his poisonous pill, - Flies to the printer's devil with his bill, - Whose Midas touch can gild his asses' ears, - And load a knave with folly's rich arrears. - And lo! a second miracle is thine, - For sloe-juiced water stands transform'd to wine. - Where Day and Martin's patent blacking roll'd, - Burst from the vase Pactolian streams of gold; - Laugh the sly wizards glorying in their stealth, - Quit the black art, and loll in lazy wealth. - See Britain's Algerines, the Lottery fry, - Win annual tribute by the annual lie. - Aided by thee--but whither do I stray? - Court, city, borough, own thy sovereign sway: - An age of puffs the age of gold succeeds, - And windy bubbles are the spawn it breeds. - - If such thy power, O hear the Muse's prayer! - Swell thy loud lungs, and wave thy wings of air; - Spread, viewless giant, all thy arms of mist - Like windmill sails to bring the poet grist; - As erst thy roaring son with eddying gale - Whirl'd Orithyia from her native vale-- - So, while Lucretian wonders I rehearse, - Augusta's sons shall patronize my verse. - - I sing of Atoms, whose creative brain, - With eddying impulse, built new Drury Lane; - Not to the labours of subservient man, - To no young Wyatt appertains the plan; - We mortals stalk, like horses in a mill, - Impassive media of Atomic will; - Ye stare! then truth's broad talisman discern-- - 'Tis Demonstration speaks.--Attend and learn! - - From floating elements in chaos hurl'd, - Self-form'd of atoms, sprang the infant world. - No great First Cause inspired the happy plot, - But all was matter, and no matter what. - Atoms, attracted by some law occult, - Settling in spheres, the globe was the result; - Pure child of Chance, which still directs the ball, - As rotatory atoms rise or fall. - In ether launch'd, the peopled bubble floats, - A mass of particles and confluent motes, - So nicely pois'd, that if one atom flings - Its weight away, aloft the planet springs, - And wings its course thro' realms of boundless space, - Outstripping comets in eccentric race. - Add but one atom more, it sinks outright - Down to the realms of Tartarus and night. - What waters melt or scorching fires consume, - In different forms their being reassume; - Hence can no change arise, except in name, - For weight and substance ever are the same. - - Thus with the flames that from old Drury rise, - Its elements primæval sought the skies, - There, pendulous to wait the happy hour, - When new attractions should restore their power. - So in this procreant theatre elate, - Echoes unborn their future life await; - Here embryo sounds in ether lie conceal'd, - Like words in northern atmosphere congeal'd. - Here many a fœtus laugh and half encore - Clings to the roof, or creeps along the floor. - By puffs concipient some in ether flit, - And soar in bravos from the thundering pit; - Some forth on ticket nights from tradesmen break, - To mar the actor they design to make; - While some this mortal life abortive miss, - Crush'd by a groan, or strangled by a hiss. - So, when "dog's-meat" re-echoes through the streets, - Rush sympathetic dogs from their retreats, - Beam with bright blaze their supplicating eyes, - Sink their hind-legs, ascend their joyful cries; - Each, wild with hope, and maddening to prevail, - Points the pleased ear, and wags the expectant tail. - - Ye fallen bricks! in Drury's fire calcined, - Since doom'd to slumber, couch'd upon the wind, - Sweet was the hour, when tempted by your freaks, - Congenial trowels smooth'd your yellow cheeks. - Float dulcet serenades upon the ear, - Bends every atom from its ruddy sphere, - Twinkles each eye, and, peeping from its veil, - Marks in the adverse crowd its destined male. - The oblong beauties clap their hands of grit, - And brick-dust titterings on the breezes flit; - Then down they rush in amatory race, - Their dusty bridegrooms eager to embrace. - Some choose old lovers, some decide for new, - But each, when fix'd, is to her station true. - Thus various bricks are made as tastes invite, - The red, the grey, the dingy, or the white. - - Perhaps some half-baked rover, frank and free, - To alien beauty bends the lawless knee, - But of unhallow'd fascinations sick, - Soon quits his Cyprian for his married brick; - The Dido atom calls and scolds in vain, - No crisp Æneas soothes the widow's pain. - - So in Cheapside, what time Aurora peeps, - A mingled noise of dustmen, milk, and sweeps, - Falls on the housemaid's ear; amaz'd she stands, - Then opes the door with cinder-sabled hands, - And "matches" calls. The dustman, bubbled flat, - Thinks 'tis for him, and doffs his fan-tail'd hat; - The milkman, whom her second cries assail, - With sudden sink, unyokes the clinking pail; - Now louder grown, by turns she screams and weeps; - Alas! her screaming only brings the sweeps. - Sweeps but put out--she wants to raise a flame, - And calls for matches, but 'tis still the same. - Atoms and housemaids! mark the moral true, - If once ye go astray, no _match_ for you! - - As atoms in one mass united mix, - So bricks attraction feel for kindred bricks; - Some in the cellar view, perchance, on high, - Fair chimney chums on beds of mortar lie; - Enamour'd of the sympathetic clod, - Leaps the red bridegroom to the labourer's hod, - And up the ladder bears the workman, taught - To think he bears the bricks--mistaken thought! - A proof behold--if near the top they find - The nymphs or broken corner'd, or unkind, - Back to the bottom leaping with a bound, - They bear their bleeding carriers to the ground. - - So legends tell, along the lofty hill - Paced the twin heroes, gallant Jack and Jill; - On trudged the Gemini to reach the rail - That shields the well's top from the expectant pail, - When ah! Jack falls; and, rolling in the rear, - Jill feels the attraction of his kindred sphere; - Head over heels begins his toppling track, - Throws sympathetic somersets with Jack, - And at the mountain's base, bobbs plump against him, whack! - - Ye living atoms, who unconscious sit, - Jumbled by chance in gallery, box, and pit, - For you no Peter opes the fabled door, - No churlish Charon plies the shadowy oar;-- - Breathe but a space, and Boreas' casual sweep - Shall bear your scatter'd corses o'er the deep, - To gorge the greedy elements, and mix - With water, marl, and clay, and stones and sticks; - While, charged with fancied souls, sticks, stones and clay, - Shall take your seats, and hiss or clap the play. - - O happy age! when convert Christians read - No sacred writings but the Pagan creed; - O happy age! when spurning Newton's dreams, - Our poet's sons recite Lucretian themes, - Abjure the idle systems of their youth, - And turn again to atoms and to truth. - O happier still! when England's dauntless dames, - Awed by no chaste alarms, no latent shames, - The bard's fourth book unblushingly peruse, - And learn the rampant lessons of the stews! - - All hail, Lucretius, renovated sage! - Unfold the modest mystics of thy page; - Return no more to thy sepulchral shelf, - But live, kind bard,--that I may live myself! - - - - -THEATRICAL ALARM BELL. - -BY THE EDITOR OF THE M. P. - -Bounce, Jupiter, bounce!--O'HARA. - - -LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, - -As it is now the universally-admitted, and indeed -pretty-generally-suspected aim of Mr. Whitbread and the infamous, -bloodthirsty, and, in fact, illiberal faction to which he belongs, to -burn to the ground this free and happy Protestant city, and establish -himself in St. James's Palace, his fellow committee-men have thought -it their duty to watch the principles of a theatre built under his -auspices. The information they have received from undoubted authority, -particularly from an old fruit-woman who had turned king's evidence, and -whose name for obvious reasons we forbear to mention, though we have had -it some weeks in our possession, has induced them to introduce various -reforms: not such reforms as the vile faction clamour for, meaning -thereby revolution, but such reforms as are necessary to preserve the -glorious constitution of the only free, happy, and prosperous country -now left upon the face of the earth. From the valuable and authentic -source above alluded to, we have learnt that a sanguinary plot has -been formed by some united Irishmen, combined with a gang of Luddites, -and a special committee sent over by the Pope at the instigation of -the beastly Corsican fiend, for destroying all the loyal part of -the audience on the anniversary of that deeply-to-be-abhorred and -highly-to-be-blamed stratagem, the gunpowder plot, which falls this year -on Thursday, the 5th of November. The whole is under the direction of -a delegated committee of O.P.'s, whose treasonable exploits at Covent -Garden you all recollect, and all of whom would have been hung from the -chandeliers at that time but for the mistaken lenity of government. -At a given signal a well-known O.P. was to cry out from the gallery, -"Nosey! Music!" whereupon all the O.P.'s were to produce from their -inside pockets a long pair of shears, edged with felt to prevent their -making any noise, manufactured expressly by a wretch at Birmingham, -one of Mr. Brougham's evidences, and now in custody. With these they -were to cut off the heads of all the loyal N.P.'s in the house, without -distinction of sex or age. At the signal, similarly given, of "Throw -him over," which it now appears always alluded to the overthrow of our -never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-deeply-and-universally-to-be-venerated -constitution, all the heads of the N.P.'s were to be thrown at the -fiddlers, to prevent their appearing in evidence, or perhaps as a false -and illiberal insinuation that they have no heads of their own. All that -we know of the further designs of these incendiaries is, that they are -by-a-great-deal-too-much too-horrible-to-be-mentioned. - -The manager has acted with his usual promptitude on this trying -occasion. He has contracted for 300 tons of gunpowder, which -are at this moment placed in a small barrel under the pit, and -a descendant of Guy Faux, assisted by Colonel Congreve, has -undertaken to blow up the house, when necessary, in so novel and -ingenious a manner, that every O.P. shall be annihilated, while not -a whisker of the N.P.'s shall be singed. This strikingly displays -the advantages of loyalty and attachment to government. Several -other hints have been taken from the theatrical regulations of the -not-a-bit-the-less-on-that-account-to-be-universally-execrated monster -Bonaparte. A park of artillery, provided with chain-shot, is to be -stationed on the stage, and play upon the audience in case of any -indication of misplaced applause or popular discontent (which accounts -for the large space between the curtain and the lamps); and the public -will participate our satisfaction in learning that the indecorous custom -of standing up with the hat on is to be abolished, as the Bow Street -officers are provided with daggers, and have orders to stab all such -persons to the heart, and send their bodies to Surgeons' Hall; gentlemen -who cough are only to be slightly wounded. Fruit-women bawling "Bill of -the Play" are to be forthwith shot, for which purpose soldiers will be -stationed in the slips, and ball-cartridge is to be served out with the -lemonade. If any of the spectators happen to sneeze or spit they are to -be transported for life, and any person who is so tall as to prevent -another seeing, is to be dragged out and sent on board the tender, or, by -an instrument taken out of the pocket of Procrustes, to be forthwith cut -shorter, either at the head or foot, according as his own convenience may -dictate. - -Thus, ladies and gentlemen, have the committee, through my medium, -set forth the not-in-a-hurry-to-be-paralleled plan they have -adopted for preserving order and decorum within the walls of their -magnificent edifice. Nor have they, while attentive to their own -concerns, by any means overlooked those of the cities of London -and Westminster. Finding, on enumeration, that they have with a -with-two-hands-and-one-tongue-to-be-applauded liberality, contracted -for more gunpowder than they want, they have parted with the surplus -to the mattock-carrying and hustings-hammering high bailiff of -Westminster, who has, with his own shovel, dug a large hole in -the front of the parish church of St. Paul, Covent Garden, that, -upon the least symptom of ill-breeding in the mob at the general -election, the whole of the market may be blown into the air. This, -ladies and gentlemen, may at first make provisions _rise_, but -we pledge the credit of our theatre that they will soon _fall_ -again, and people be supplied as usual with vegetables in the -in-general-strewed-with-cabbage-stalks-but-on-Saturday-night-lighted-up- -with-lamps market of Covent Garden. - -I should expatiate more largely on the other advantages of the glorious -constitution of these by-the-whole-of-Europe-envied realms, but I am -called away to take an account of the ladies, and other artificial -flowers, at a fashionable rout, of which a full and particular account -will hereafter appear. For the present, my fashionable intelligence is -scanty, on account of the opening of Drury Lane; and the ladies and -gentlemen who honour me with their attention, will not be surprised if -they find nothing under my usual head! - - - - -THE THEATRE. - -BY THE REV. G. C. - - Nil intentatum nostri liquôre poetæ, - Nec minimum meruère decus, vestigia Græca - Ausi desesere, et celebrare domestica facta.--HORAT. - - -A PREFACE OF APOLOGIES. - -If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected for the -opening Address, a few words of explanation may be deemed necessary, on -my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. The animadversion I have -thought it right to make on the noise created by tuning the orchestra, -will, I hope, give no lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed -in the band. It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments -ready tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation to -many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who not being blest -with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning for the overture, and -think the latter concluded before it is begun. - - "one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still--" - -was originally written "one hautboy will," but having providentially -been informed, when this poem was upon the point of being sent off, that -there is but one hautboy in the band, I averted the storm of popular and -managerial indignation from the head of its blower; as it now stands, -"one fiddle" among many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape -detection. The story of the flying playbill is calculated to expose -a practice, much too common, of pinning playbills to the cushions, -insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these -lines save one playbill only from the fate I have recorded, I shall not -deem my labour ill employed. The concluding episode of Patrick Jennings, -glances at the boorish fashion of wearing the hat in the one-shilling -gallery. Had Jennings thrust his between his feet at the commencement of -the play, he might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe -I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs formed to -enable him to recover his loss, is purposely so crossed in texture and -materials, as to mislead the reader in respect of the real owner of any -one of them. For, in the satirical view of life and manners, which I -occasionally present, my clerical profession has taught me how extremely -improper it would be by any allusion, however slight, to give any -uneasiness, however trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked. - - G. C. - - - - -THE THEATRE. - - Interior of a theatre described.--Pit gradually fills.--The - check-taker.--Pit full.--The orchestra tuned.--One fiddle - rather dilatory.--Is reproved--and repents.--Evolutions of a - playbill.--Its final settlement on the spikes.--The gods taken - to task--and why.--Motley group of playgoers.--Holywell Street, - St. Pancras.--Emanuel Jennings binds his son apprentice.--Not in - London--and why.--Episode of the hat. - - - 'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six, - Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks, - Touch'd by the lamplighter's Promethean art, - Start into light and make the lighter start; - To see red Phoebus through the gallery pane - Tinge with his beam the beams of Drury Lane, - While gradual parties fill our widen'd pit, - And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit. - - At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease, - Distant or near, they settle where they please; - But when the multitude contracts the span, - And seats are rare, they settle where they can. - - Now the full benches, to late comers, doom - No room for standing, miscall'd _standing-room_. - - Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks, - And bawling "Pit full," gives the check he takes; - Yet onward still, the gathering numbers cram, - Contending crowders shout the frequent damn, - And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, jam. - - See to their desks Apollo's sons repair; - Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair; - In unison their various tones to tune - Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon; - In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute, - Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute, - Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp, - Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp; - Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in, - Attunes to order the chaotic din. - Now all seems hush'd--but no, one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still; - Foil'd in his crash, the leader of the clan - Reproves with frowns the dilatory man; - Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow, - Nods a new signal, and away they go. - Perchance, while pit and gallery cry, "Hats off," - And awed Consumption checks his chided cough, - Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love - Drops, reft of pin, her playbill from above; - Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap, - Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap; - But, wiser far than he, combustion fears, - And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers; - Till sinking gradual, with repeated twirl, - It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl; - Who from his powder'd pate the intruder strikes, - And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes. - - Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? - Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? - He who, in quest of quiet, "silence" hoots, - Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. - - What various swains our motley walls contain! - Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick Lane; - Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort, - Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court; - From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, - Culls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane; - The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, - The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; - Boys who long linger at the gallery door, - With pence twice five, they want but twopence more, - Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, - And sends them jumping up the gallery stairs. - - Critics we boast who ne'er their malice baulk, - But talk their minds, we wish they'd mind their talk; - Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, - Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; - Jews from St. Mary Axe, for jobs so wary, - That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; - And bucks with pockets empty as their pate, - Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait, - Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse - With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house. - - Yet here, as elsewhere, chance can joy bestow, - Where scowling fortune seem'd to threaten woe. - - John Richard William Alexander Dwyer - Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire; - But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues, - Emanuel Jennings polish'd Stubbs's shoes. - Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy - Up as a corn-cutter, a safe employ; - In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred - (At number twenty-seven, it is said), - Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head: - He would have bound him to some shop in town, - But with a premium he could not come down; - Pat was the urchin's name, a red-hair'd youth, - Fonder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth. - - Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongues in awe, - The Muse shall tell an accident she saw. - - Pat Jennings in the upper gallery sat, - But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat; - Down from the gallery the beaver flew, - And spurn'd the one to settle in the two. - How shall he act? Pay at the gallery door - Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four? - Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait, - And gain his hat again at half-past eight? - Now, while his fears anticipate a thief, - John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief." - "Thank you," cries Pat, "but one won't make a line;" - "Take mine," cried Wilson, and cried Stokes, "take mine." - A motley cable soon Pat Jennings ties, - Where Spitalfields with real India vies. - Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted hue, - Starr'd, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue, - Old calico, torn silk, and muslin new. - George Green below, with palpitating hand, - Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band. - Up soars the prize; the youth, with joy unfeign'd, - Regain'd the felt, and felt what he regain'd, - While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat - Made a low bow, and touch'd the ransom'd hat. - - - - -_To the Managing Committee of the New Drury Lane Theatre._ - - -GENTLEMEN, - -Happening to be wool-gathering at the foot of Mount Parnassus, I was -suddenly seized with a violent travestie in the head. The first symptoms -I felt were several triple rhymes floating about my brain, accompanied by -a singing in my throat, which quickly communicated itself to the ears of -everybody about me, and made me a burthen to my friends, and a torment -to Doctor Apollo, three of whose favourite servants, that is to say, -Macbeth, his butcher, Mrs. Haller, his cook, and George Barnwell, his -book-keeper, I waylaid in one of my fits of insanity, and mauled after -a very frightful fashion. In this woeful crisis I accidentally heard -of your invaluable New Patent Hissing Pit, which cures every disorder -incident to Grub Street. I send you enclosed a more detailed specimen of -my case; if you could mould it into the shape of an Address to be said -or sung on the first night of your performance, I have no doubt that I -should feel the immediate effects of your invaluable New Patent Hissing -Pit, of which they tell me one hiss is a dose. - - I am, &c. - MOMUS MEDLAR. - - - - -CASE NO. I. - - -MACBETH. - - _Enter_ MACBETH _in a red nightcap_. PAGE _following with a torch_. - - Go, boy, and thy good mistress tell - (She knows that my purpose is cruel), - I'd thank her to tingle her bell, - As soon as she's heated my gruel. - Go, get thee to bed and repose, - To sit up so late is a scandal; - But ere you have ta'en off your clothes, - Be sure that you put out that candle. - Ri fol de rol tol de rol lol. - - My stars, in the air here's a knife! - I'm sure it cannot be a hum; - I'll catch at the handle, add's life, - And then I shall not cut my thumb. - I've got him!--no, at him again, - Come, come, I'm not fond of these jokes: - This must be some blade of the brain: - Those witches are given to hoax. - - I've one in my pocket, I know, - My wife left on purpose behind her, - She bought this of Teddy-high-ho, - The poor Caledonian grinder. - I see thee again! o'er thy middle - Large drops of red blood now are spill'd, - Just as much as to say diddle diddle, - Good Duncan pray come and be kill'd. - - It leads to his chamber, I swear; - I tremble and quake every joint; - No dog at the scent of a hare - Ever yet made a cleverer point. - Ah, no! 'twas a dagger of straw-- - Give me blinkers to save me from starting; - The knife that I thought that I saw, - Was nought but my eye, Betty Martin. - - Now o'er this terrestrial hive - A life paralytic is spread, - For while the one half is alive, - The other is sleepy and dead. - King Duncan in grand majesty - Has got my state bed for a snooze, - I've lent him my slippers, so I - May certainly stand in his shoes. - - Blow softly, ye murmuring gales, - Ye feet rouse no echo in walking, - For though a dead man tells no tales, - Dead walls are much given to talking. - This knife shall be in at the death, - I'll stick him, then off safely get. - Cries the world, this could not be Macbeth, - For he'd ne'er stick at anything yet. - - Hark, hark, 'tis the signal by goles, - It sounds like a funeral knell: - O hear it not, Duncan, it tolls - To call thee to heaven or hell. - Or if you to heaven won't fly, - But rather prefer Pluto's ether, - Only wait a few years till I die, - And we'll go to the devil together, - Ri fol de rol, &c. - - - - -CASE NO. II. - - -THE STRANGER. - - Who has e'er been at Drury must needs know the Stranger, - A wailing old Methodist, gloomy and wan, - A husband suspicious, his wife acted Ranger, - She took to her heels, and left poor Hypochon. - Her martial gallant swore that truth was a libel, - That marriage was thraldom, elopement no sin; - Quoth she, "I remember the words of my Bible, - My spouse is a Stranger, and I'll take him in." - With my sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see; - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - To keep up her dignity, no longer rich enough, - Where was her plate? why 'twas laid on the shelf. - Her land fuller's earth, and her great riches kitchen stuff, - Dressing the dinner instead of herself. - No longer permitted in diamonds to sparkle, - Now plain Mrs. Haller, of servants the dread, - With a heart full of grief and a pan full of charcoal, - She lighted the company up to their bed. - - Incensed at her flight, her poor hubby in dudgeon - Roam'd after his rib in a gig and a pout, - Till, tired with his journey, the peevish curmudgeon, - Sat down and blubber'd just like a church spout. - One day on a bench as dejected and sad he laid, - Hearing a squash, he cried, "Hullo, what's that?" - 'Twas a child of the Count's, in whose service lived Adelaide, - Soused in the river and squalled like a cat. - - Having drawn his young excellence up to the bank, it - Appear'd that himself was all dripping, I swear, - No wonder he soon became dry as a blanket, - Exposed as he was to the Count's _son_ and _heir_. - "Dear sir," quoth the Count, "in reward of your valour, - To show that my gratitude is not mere talk, - You shall eat a beefsteak which my cook, Mrs. Haller, - Cut from the rump with her own knife and fork." - - Behold, now the Count gave the Stranger a dinner, - With gunpowder tea, which you know brings a ball, - And, thin as he was, that he might not grow thinner, - He made of the Stranger no stranger at all; - At dinner fair Adelaide brought up a chicken, - A bird that she never had met with before, - But, seeing him, scream'd, and was carried off, kicking, - And he bang'd his nob 'gainst the opposite door. - - To finish my tale without roundaboutation, - Young master and missee besieged their papa, - They sung a quartetto in grand blubberation; - The Stranger cried "Oh!" Mrs. Haller cried "Ah!" - Though pathos and sentiment largely are dealt in, - I have no good moral to give in exchange, - For though she as a cook might be given to melting, - The Stranger's behaviour was certainly strange, - With his sentimentalibus lachrymæ roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see, - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - - - -CASE NO. III. - - -GEORGE BARNWELL. - - George Barnwell stood at the shop door, - A customer hoping to find, sir; - His apron was hanging before, - But the tail of his coat was behind, sir. - A lady so painted and smart, - Cried, "Sir, I've exhausted my stock o' late, - I've got nothing left but a groat, - Could you give me four penn'orth of chocolate? - Rum ti, &c. - - Her face was rouged up to the eyes, - Which made her look prouder and prouder, - His hair stood on end with surprise, - And hers with pomatum and powder. - The business was soon understood; - The lady, who wish'd to be more rich, - Cries, "Sweet sir, my name is Milwood, - And I lodge at the Gunner's, in Shoreditch." - Rum ti, &c. - - Now nightly he stole out, good lack, - And into her lodging would pop, sir, - And often forgot to come back, - Leaving master to shut up the shop, sir, - Her beauty his wits did bereave; - Determin'd to be quite the crack O, - He lounged at the Adam and Eve, - And call'd for his gin and tobacco. - Rum ti, &c. - - And now (for the truth must be told) - Though none of a 'prentice should speak ill, - He stole from the till all the gold, - And ate the lump sugar and treacle. - In vain did his master exclaim, - "Dear George, don't engage with that Dragon, - She'll lead you to sorrow and shame, - And leave you the devil a rag on - Your Rum ti," &c. - - In vain he entreats and implores - The weak and incurable ninny, - So kicks him at last out of doors, - And Georgy soon spends his last guinea. - His uncle, whose generous purse - Had often relieved him, as I know, - Now finding him grow worse and worse, - Refused to come down with the rhino. - Rum ti, &c. - - Cried Milwood, whose cruel heart's core, - Was so flinty that nothing could shock it, - "If ye mean to come here any more, - Pray come with more cash in your pocket. - Make nunky surrender his dibs, - Rub his pate with a pair of lead towels, - Or stick a knife into his ribs, - I'll warrant he'll then show some bowels." - Rum ti, &c. - - A pistol he got from his love, - 'Twas loaded with powder and bullet, - He trudged off to Camberwell Grove, - But wanted the courage to pull it. - "There's nunky as fat as a hog, - While I am as lean as a lizard; - Here's at you! you stingy old dog!" - And he whips a long knife in his gizzard. - Rum ti, &c. - - All you who attend to my song, - A terrible end of the farce shall see, - If you join the inquisitive throng - That followed poor George to the Marshalsea. - "If Milwood were here, dash my wigs!" - Quoth he, "I would pummel and lam her well! - Had I stuck to my prunes and my figs, - I ne'er had stuck nunky at Camberwell." - Rum ti, &c. - - Their bodies were never cut down, - For granny relates with amazement, - A witch bore 'em over the town - And hung them on Thorowgood's casement. - The neighbours, I've heard the folks say, - The miracle noisily brag on, - And the shop is to this very day, - The sign of the George and the Dragon. - Rum ti, &c. - - - - -PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS. - -BY T. H. - - Rhymes the rudders are of verses, - With which, like ships, they steer their courses.--HUDIBRAS. - - _Scene draws, and discovers_ PUNCH _on a throne surrounded by_ - LEAR, LADY MACBETH, MACBETH, OTHELLO, GEORGE BARNWELL, HAMLET, - GHOST, MACHEATH, JULIET, FRIAR, APOTHECARY, ROMEO, _and_ - FALSTAFF.--PUNCH _descends, and addresses them in the following_ - - -RECITATIVE. - - As manager of horses Mr. Merryman is, - So I with you am master of the ceremonies,-- - These grand rejoicings, let me see, how name ye 'em? - Oh, in Greek lingo 'tis E--pi--thalamium. - October's tenth it is, toss up each hat to-day, - And celebrate with shouts our opening Saturday. - On this great night 'tis settled by our manager, - That we, to please great Johnny Bull, should plan a jeer, - Dance a bang-up theatrical cotillon, - And put on tuneful Pegasus a pillion; - That every soul, whether or not a cough he has, - May kick like Harlequin, and sing like Orpheus. - So come, ye pupils of Sir John Gallini, - Spin up a teetotum like Angiollini; - That John and Mrs. Bull from ale and teahouses, - May shout huzza for Punch's Apotheosis! - [_They dance and sing._ - - -AIR--"_Sure such a day._"--TOM THUMB. - - _Lear._ Dance, Regan, dance with Cordelia and Goneril, - Down the middle, up again, poussette, and cross; - Stop Cordelia, do not tread upon her heel, - Regan feeds on coltsfoot, and kicks like a horse. - See, she twists her mutton fists like Molyneux or Beelzebub, - And t'other's clack, who pats her back, is louder far than Hell's - hubbub. - They tweak my nose, and round it goes, I fear they'll break the ridge - of it. - Or leave it all just like Vauxhall, with only half the bridge of it. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Lady Macbeth._ I kill'd the King, my husband is a heavy dunce, - He left the grooms unmassacred, then massacred the stud, - One loves long gloves, for mittens, like King's evidence, - Let truth with the fingers out, and won't hide blood. - - _Macbeth._ When spooneys on two knees implore the aid of sorcery. - To suit their wicked purposes they quickly put the laws awry, - With Adam I in wife may vie, for none could tell the use of her, - Except to cheapen golden pippins hawk'd about by Lucifer. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Othello._ Wife, come to life, forgive what your black lover did, - Spit the feathers from your mouth and munch roast beef; - Iago he may go and be toss'd in the coverlid, - That smother'd you because you pawn'd my handkerchief. - - _Geo. Barnwell._ Why, neger, so eager about your rib immaculate? - Milwood shows for hanging us they've got an ugly knack o' late; - If on beauty stead of duty but one peeper bent he sees, - Satan waits with Dolly baits to hook in us apprentices. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Hamlet._ I'm Hamlet in camlet, my ap and perihelia, - The moon can fix which lunatics makes sharp or flat. - I stuck by ill-luck, enamour'd of Ophelia, - Old Polony like a sausage, and exclaim'd, "Rat! Rat!" - - _Ghost._ Let Gertrude sup the poisoned cup, no more I'll be an - actor in - Such sorry food, but drink home-brew'd of Whitbread's manufacturing. - - _Macheath._ I'll Polly it, and folly it, and dance it quite the - dandy O, - But as for tunes I have but one, and that is "Drops of Brandy O." - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Juliet._ I'm Juliet Capulet, who took a dose of hellebore, - A Hell-of-a-bore I found it to put on a pall. - - _Friar._ And I am the friar who so corpulent a belly bore. - - _Apothecary._ And that is why poor skinny I have none at all. - - _Romeo._ I'm the resurrection man of buried bodies amorous. - - _Falstaff._ I'm fagg'd to death, and out of breath, and am for - quiet clamorous, - For though my paunch is round and staunch, I ne'er begin to fill it - ere I - Feel that I have no stomach left for entertainment military. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! [_Exeunt dancing._ - - - - -ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE. - -(1825.) - - - - -ODE TO MR. GRAHAM. - -THE AERONAUT. - - Up with me!--up with me into the sky!-- - - WORDSWORTH--ON A LARK: - - -I. - - Dear Graham, whilst the busy crowd, - The vain, the wealthy, and the proud, - Their meaner flights pursue, - Let us cast off the foolish ties - That bind us to the earth, and rise - And take a bird's-eye view! - - -II. - - A few more whiffs of my cigar - And then, in Fancy's airy car, - Have with thee for the skies: - How oft this fragrant smoke upcurl'd - Hath borne me from this little world, - And all that in it lies! - - -III. - - Away!--away!--the bubble fills-- - Farewell to earth and all its hills!-- - We seem to cut the wind!-- - So high we mount, so swift we go, - The chimney-tops are far below, - The Eagle's left behind! - - -IV. - - Ah me! my brain begins to swim!-- - The world is growing rather dim; - The steeples and the trees-- - My wife is getting very small! - I cannot see my babe at all!-- - The Dollond, if you please!-- - - -V. - - Do, Graham, let me have a quiz, - Lord! what a Lilliput it is, - That little world of Mogg's!-- - Are those the London Docks?--that channel, - The mighty Thames?--a proper kennel - For that small Isle of Dogs! - - -VI. - - What is that seeming tea-urn there! - That fairy dome, St. Paul's!--I swear, - Wren must have been a wren!-- - And that small stripe?--it cannot be - The City Road!--Good lack? to see - The little ways of men! - - -VII. - - Little, indeed!--my eyeballs ache - To find a turnpike. I must take - Their tolls upon my trust!-- - And where is mortal labour gone? - Look, Graham, for a little stone - MacAdamized to dust! - - -VIII. - - Look at the horses!--less than flies!-- - Oh, what a waste it was of sighs - To wish to be a Mayor! - What is the honour?--none at all, - One's honour must be very small - For such a civic chair! - - -IX. - - And there's Guildhall!--'tis far aloof-- - Methinks, I fancy thro' the roof - Its little guardian Gogs, - Like penny dolls--a tiny show!-- - Well,--I must say they're ruled below. - By very little logs! - - -X. - - Oh! Graham, how the upper air - Alters the standards of compare; - One of our silken flags - Would cover London all about-- - Nay, then--let's even empty out - Another brace of bags! - - -XI. - - Now for a glass of bright champagne - Above the clouds!--Come, let us drain - A bumper as we go! - But hold!--for God's sake do not cant - The cork away--unless you want - To brain your friends below. - - -XII. - - Think! what a mob of little men - Are crawling just within our ken, - Like mites upon a cheese! - Pshaw!--how the foolish sight rebukes - Ambitious thoughts!--can there be _Dukes_ - Of _Gloster_ such as these! - - -XIII. - - Oh! what is glory?--what is fame? - Hark to the little mob's acclaim, - 'Tis nothing but a hum! - A few near gnats would trump as loud - As all the shouting of a crowd - That has so far to come! - - -XIV. - - Well--they are wise that choose the near, - A few small buzzards in the ear, - To organs ages hence!-- - Ah me, how distance touches all; - It makes the true look rather small, - But murders poor pretence. - - -XV. - - "The world recedes!--it disappears! - Heav'n open on my eyes--my ears - With buzzing noises ring!" - A fig for Southey's Laureate lore!-- - What's Rogers here?--who cares for Moore - That hears the angels sing! - - -XVI. - - A fig for earth, and all its minions!-- - We are above the world's opinions, - Graham! we'll have our own!-- - Look what a vantage height we've got!-- - Now----_do_ you think Sir Walter Scott - Is such a Great Unknown? - - -XVII. - - Speak up!--or hath he hid his name - To crawl thro' "subways" into fame, - Like Williams of Cornhill?-- - Speak up, my lad!--when men run small - We'll show what's little in them all, - Receive it how they will! - - -XVIII. - - Think now of Irving!--shall he preach - The princes down--shall he impeach - The potent and the rich, - Merely on ethic stilts,--and I - Not moralize at two miles high - The true didactic pitch! - - -XIX. - - Come:--what d'ye think of Jeffrey, sir? - Is Gifford such a Gulliver - In Lilliput's Review, - That like Colossus he should stride - Certain small brazen inches wide - For poets to pass through? - - -XX. - - Look down! the world is but a spot. - Now say--Is Blackwood's _low_ or not, - For all the Scottish tone? - It shall not weigh us here--not where - The sandy burden's lost in air-- - Our lading--where is't flown! - - -XXI. - - Now,--like you Croly's verse indeed-- - In heaven--where one cannot read - The "Warren" on a wall? - What think you here of that man's fame? - Tho' Jerdan magnified his name, - To me 'tis very small! - - -XXII. - - And, truly, is there such a spell - In those three letters, L. E. L., - To witch a world with song? - On clouds the Byron did not sit, - Yet dared on Shakespeare's head to spit, - And say the world was wrong! - - -XXIII. - - And shall not we? Let's think aloud! - Thus being couch'd upon a cloud, - Graham, we'll have our eyes! - We felt the great when we were less, - But we'll retort on littleness - Now we are in the skies. - - -XXIV. - - O Graham, Graham, how I blame - The bastard blush,--the petty shame, - That used to fret me quite,-- - The little sores I cover'd then, - No sores on earth, nor sorrows when - The world is out of sight! - - -XXV. - - _My_ name is Tims. I am the man - That North's unseen diminish'd clan - So scurvily abused! - I am the very P. A. Z. - The London's Lion's small pin's head - So often hath refused! - - -XXVI. - - Campbell--(you cannot see him here)-- - Hath scorn'd my _lays_:--do his appear - Such great eggs from the sky? - And Longman, and his lengthy Co. - Long, only, in a little Row, - Have thrust my poems by! - - -XXVII. - - What else?--I'm poor, and much beset - With petty duns--that is--in debt - Some grains of golden dust! - But only worth, above, is worth. - What's all the credit of the earth? - An inch of cloth on trust! - - -XXVIII. - - What's Rothschild here, that wealthy man! - Nay, worlds of wealth?--Oh, if you can - Spy out,--the _Golden Ball!_ - Sure as we rose, all money sank: - What's gold or silver now?--the Bank - Is gone--the 'Change and all! - - -XXIX. - - What's all the ground-rent of the globe?-- - Oh, Graham, it would worry Job - To hear its landlords prate! - But after this survey, I think - I'll ne'er be bullied more, nor shrink - From men of large estate! - - -XXX. - - And less, still less, will I submit - To poor mean acres' worth of wit-- - I that have Heaven's span-- - I that like Shakespeare's self may dream - Beyond the very clouds, and seem - An Universal Man! - - -XXXI. - - Oh, Graham, mark those gorgeous crowds! - Like birds of paradise the clouds - Are winging on the wind! - But what is grander than their range? - More lovely than their sunset change?-- - The free creative mind! - - -XXXII. - - Well! the Adults' School's in the air! - The greatest men are lesson'd there - As well as the lessee! - Oh could earth's Ellistons thus small - Behold the greatest stage of all, - How humbled they would be! - - -XXXIII. - - "Oh would some god the giftie gie 'em, - To see themselves as others see 'em," - 'Twould much abate their fuss! - If they could think that from the skies - They are as little in our eyes - As they can think of us! - - -XXXIV. - - Of us! are _we_ gone out of sight? - Lessen'd! diminish'd! vanish'd quite! - Lost to the tiny town! - Beyond the Eagle's ken--the grope - Of Dollond's longest telescope! - Graham! we're going down! - - -XXXV. - - Ah me! I've touch'd a string that opes - The airy valve!--the gas elopes-- - Down goes our bright balloon!-- - Farewell the skies! the clouds! I smell - The lower world! Graham, farewell, - Man of the silken moon! - - -XXXVI. - - The earth is close! the City nears-- - Like a burnt paper it appears, - Studded with tiny sparks! - Methinks I hear the distant rout - Of coaches rumbling all about-- - We're close above the Parks! - - -XXXVII. - - I hear the watchmen on their beats, - Hawking the hour about the streets. - Lord! what a cruel jar - It is upon the earth to light! - Well--there's the finish of our flight! - I've smoked my last cigar! - - - - -ODE TO MR. M'ADAM. - -Let us take to the road!--BEGGAR'S OPERA. - - -I. - - M'adam, hail! - Hail, Roadian! hail, Colossus! who dost stand - Striding ten thousand turnpikes on the land! - Oh, universal Leveller! all hail! - To thee, a good, yet stony-hearted man, - The kindest one, and yet the flintiest going-- - To thee--how much for thy commodious plan, - Lanark Reformer of the Ruts, is Owing! - The Bristol mail - Gliding o'er ways, hitherto deem'd invincible, - When carrying patriots now shall never fail - Those of the most "_unshaken_ public principle." - Hail to thee, Scott of Scots! - Thou northern light, amid those heavy men! - Foe to Stonehenge, yet friend to all beside, - Thou scatter'st flints and favours far and wide, - From palaces to cots; - Dispenser of coagulated good! - Distributor of granite and of food! - Long may thy fame its even path march on, - E'en when thy sons are dead! - Best benefactor! though thou giv'st a stone - To those who ask for bread! - - -II. - - Thy first great trial in this mighty town - Was, if I rightly recollect, upon - That gentle hill which goeth - Down from "the County" to the Palace gate, - And, like a river, thanks to thee, now floweth - Past the Old Horticultural Society,-- - The chemist Cobb's, the house of Howell and James, - Where ladies play high shawl and satin games-- - A little _Hell_ of lace! - And past the Athenæum, made of late, - Severs a sweet variety - Of milliners and booksellers who grace - Waterloo Place, - Making division, the Muse fears and guesses, - 'Twixt Mr. Rivington's and Mr. Hessey's. - Thou stood'st thy trial, Mac! and shav'd the road - From Barber Beaumont's to the King's abode - So well, that paviours threw their rammers by, - Let down their tuck'd shirt-sleeves, and with a sigh - Prepar'd themselves, poor souls, to chip or die! - - -III. - - Next, from the palace to the prison, thou - Didst go, the highway's watchman, to thy beat,-- - Preventing though the _rattling_ in the street, - Yet kicking up a row, - Upon the stones--ah! truly watchman-like, - Encouraging thy victims all to strike, - To further thy own purpose, Adam, daily;-- - Thou hast smooth'd, alas, the path to the Old Bailey! - And to the stony bowers - Of Newgate, to encourage the approach, - By caravan or coach,-- - Hast strew'd the way with flints as soft as flowers. - - -IV. - - Who shall dispute thy name! - Insculpt in stone in every street, - We soon shall greet - Thy trodden down, yet all unconquer'd fame! - Where'er we take, even at this time, our way, - Nought see we, but mankind in open air, - Hammering thy fame, as Chantrey would not dare; - And with a patient care, - Chipping thy immortality all day! - Demosthenes, of old,--that rare old man,-- - Prophetically, _follow'd_, Mac! thy plan:-- - For he, we know - (History says so), - Put _pebbles_ in his mouth when he would speak - The _smoothest_ Greek! - - -V. - - It is "impossible, and cannot be," - But that thy genius hath, - Beside the turnpike, many another path - Trod, to arrive at popularity. - O'er Pegasus, perchance, thou hast thrown a thigh, - Nor ridden a roadster only;--mighty Mac! - And 'faith I'd swear, when on that winged hack, - Thou hast observ'd the highways in the sky! - Is the path up Parnassus rough and steep, - And "hard to climb," as Dr. B. would say? - Dost think it best for sons of song to keep - The noiseless _tenor_ of their way? (see Gray). - What line of road _should_ poets take to bring - Themselves unto those waters, lov'd the first!-- - Those waters which can wet a man to sing! - Which, like thy fame, "from _granite_ basins burst, - Leap into life, and, sparkling, woo the thirst?" - - -VI. - - That thou'rt a proser, even thy birthplace might - Vouchsafe;--and Mr. Cadell _may_, God wot, - Have paid thee many a pound for many a blot,-- - - - Cadell's a wayward wight! - Although no Walter, still thou art a Scot, - And I can throw, I think, a little light - Upon some works thou hast written for the town,-- - And publish'd, like a Lilliput Unknown! - "Highways and Byeways" is thy book, no doubt - (One whole edition's out), - And next, for it is fair - That Fame, - Seeing her children, should confess she had 'em;-- - "Some _Passages_ from the life of Adam Blair"-- - (Blair is a Scottish name), - What are they, but thy own good roads, M'Adam? - - -VII. - - O! indefatigable labourer - In the paths of men! when thou shalt die, 'twill be - A mark of thy surpassing industry, - That of the monument, which men shall rear - Over thy most inestimable bone, - Thou didst thy very self lay the first stone! - Of a right ancient line thou comest,--through - Each crook and turn we trace the unbroken clue, - Until we see thy sire before our eyes, - Rolling his gravel walks in Paradise! - But he, our great Mac Parent, err'd, and ne'er - Have our walks since been fair! - Yet Time, who, like the merchant, lives on 'Change, - For ever varying, through his varying range, - Time maketh all things even! - In this strange world, turning beneath high heaven! - He hath redeem'd the Adams, and contriv'd-- - (How are Time's wonders hiv'd!) - In pity to mankind, and to befriend 'em-- - (Time is above all praise) - That he, who first did make our evil ways, - Reborn in Scotland, should be first to mend 'em! - - - - -ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN. - -O breathe not his name!--MOORE. - - -I. - - Thou Great Unknown! - I do not mean Eternity nor Death, - That vast incog! - For I suppose thou hast a living breath, - Howbeit we know not from whose lung 'tis blown, - Thou man of fog! - Parent of many children--child of none! - Nobody's son! - Nobody's daughter--but a parent still! - Still but an ostrich parent of a batch - Of orphan eggs,--left to the world to hatch. - Superlative Nil! - A vox and nothing more,--yet not Vauxhall; - A head in papers, yet without a curl! - Not the Invisible Girl! - No hand--but a hand-writing on a wall-- - A popular nonentity, - Still call'd the same,--without identity! - A lark, heard out of sight,-- - A nothing shin'd upon,--invisibly bright, - "Dark with excess of light!" - Constable's literary John-a-nokes-- - The real Scottish wizard--to no which, - Nobody--in a niche; - Every one's hoax! - Maybe Sir Walter Scott-- - Perhaps not! - Why dost thou so conceal and puzzle curious folks? - - -II. - - Thou--whom the second-sighted never saw, - The Master Fiction of fictitious history! - Chief Nong tong paw! - No mister in the world--and yet all mystery! - The "tricksy spirit" of a Scotch Cock Lane-- - A _novel_ Junius puzzling the world's brain-- - A man of magic--yet no talisman! - A man of clair obscure--not him o' the moon! - A star--at noon. - A non-descriptus in a caravan, - A private--of no corps--a northern light - In a dark lantern,--Bogie in a crape-- - A figure--but no shape; - A vizor--and no knight; - The real abstract hero of the age; - The staple Stranger of the stage; - A Some One made in every man's presumption, - Frankenstein's monster--but instinct with gumption; - Another strange state captive in the north, - Constable-guarded in an iron mask-- - Still let me ask, - Hast thou no silver platter, - No door-plate, or no card--or some such matter, - To scrawl a name upon, and then cast forth? - - -III. - - Thou Scottish Barmecide, feeding the hunger - Of Curiosity with airy gammon? - Thou mystery-monger, - Dealing it out like middle cut of salmon, - That people buy and can't make head or tail of it - (Howbeit that puzzle never hurts the sale of it); - Thou chief of authors mystic and abstractical, - That lay their proper bodies on the shelf-- - Keeping thyself so truly to thyself, - Thou Zimmerman made practical! - Thou secret fountain of a Scottish style, - That, like the Nile, - Hideth its source wherever it is bred, - But still keeps disemboguing - (Not disembroguing) - Thro' such broad sandy mouths without a head! - Thou disembodied author--not yet dead,-- - The whole world's literary Absentee! - Ah! wherefore hast thou fled, - Thou learned Nemo--wise to a degree, - Anonymous LL.D.! - - -IV. - - Thou nameless captain of the nameless gang - That do--and inquests cannot say who did it! - Wert thou at Mrs. Donatty's death-pang? - Hast thou made gravy of Wear's watch--or hid it? - Hast thou a Blue Beard chamber? Heaven forbid it! - I should be very loth to see thee hang! - I hope thou hast an alibi well plann'd, - An innocent, altho' an ink-black hand. - Tho' thou hast newly turn'd thy private bolt on - The curiosity of all invaders-- - I hope thou art merely closeted with Colton, - Who knows a little of the _Holy Land_, - Writing thy next new novel--The Crusaders! - - -V. - - Perhaps thou wert even born - To be unknown. Perhaps hung, some foggy morn, - At Captain Coram's charitable wicket, - Penn'd to a ticket - That Fate had made illegible, foreseeing - The future great unmentionable being. - Perhaps thou hast ridden - A scholar poor on St. Augustine's back, - Like Chatterton, and found a dusty pack - Of Rowley novels in an old chest hidden; - A little hoard of clever simulation, - That took the town--and Constable has bidden - Some hundred pounds for a continuation-- - To keep and clothe thee in genteel starvation. - - -VI. - - I liked thy Waverley--first of thy breeding; - I like its modest "sixty years ago," - As if it was not meant for ages' reading. - I don't like Ivanhoe, - Tho' Dymoke does--it makes him think of clattering - In iron overalls before the king, - Secure from battering, to ladies flattering, - Tuning his challenge to the gauntlets' ring-- - Oh better far than all that anvil clang - It was to hear thee touch the famous string - Of Robin Hood's tough bow and make it twang, - Rousing him up, all verdant, with his clan, - Like Sagittarian Pan! - - -VII. - - I like Guy Mannering--but not that sham son - Of Brown. I like that literary Sampson, - Nine-tenths a Dyer, with a smack of Porson. - I like Dirk Hatteraick, that rough sea Orson - That slew the Gauger; - And Dandie Dinmont, like old Ursa Major; - And Merrilies, young Bertram's old defender, - That Scottish Witch of Endor, - That doom'd thy fame. She was the Witch, I take it, - To tell a great man's fortune--or to make it! - - -VIII. - - I like thy Antiquary. With his fit on, - He makes me think of Mr. Britton, - Who has--or had--within his garden wall, - A _miniature Stone Henge_, so very small - The sparrows find it difficult to sit on; - And Dousterswivel, like Poyais' M'Gregor; - And Edie Ochiltree, that old _Blue Beggar_, - Painted so cleverly, - I think thou surely knowest Mrs. Beverly! - I like thy Barber--him that fir'd the _Beacon_-- - But that's a tender subject now to speak on! - - -IX. - - I like long-arm'd Rob Roy. His very charms - Fashion'd him for renown! In sad sincerity, - The man that robs or writes must have long arms, - If he's to hand his deeds down to posterity! - Witness Miss Biffin's posthumous prosperity! - Her poor brown crumpled mummy (nothing more) - Bearing the name she bore, - A thing Time's tooth is tempted to destroy! - But Roys can never die--why else, in verity, - Is Paris echoing with "Vive le _Roy!_" - Ay, Rob shall live again, and deathless Di - Vernon, of course, shall often live again-- - Whilst there's a stone in Newgate, or a chain, - Who can pass by - Nor feel the Thief's in prison and at hand? - There be Old Bailey Jarveys on the stand! - - -X. - - I like thy Landlord's Tales!--I like that Idol - Of love and Lammermoor--the blue-eyed maid - That led to church the mounted cavalcade, - And then pull'd up with such a bloody bridal! - Throwing equestrian Hymen on his haunches-- - I like the family--not silver, branches - That hold the tapers - To light the serious legend of Montrose. - I like M'Aulay's second-sighted vapours, - As if he could not walk or talk alone. - Without the devil--or the Great Unknown-- - Dalgetty is the dearest of Ducrows! - - -XI. - - I like St. Leonard's Lily--drench'd with dew! - I like thy Vision of the Covenanters, - That bloody-minded Graham shot and slew. - I like the battle lost and won, - The hurly-burly's bravely done, - The warlike gallops and the warlike _cant_ers! - I like that girded chieftain of the ranters, - Ready to preach down heathens, or to grapple, - With one eye on his sword, - And one upon the Word-- - How _he_ would cram the Caledonian Chapel! - I like stern Claverhouse, though he doth dapple - His raven steed with blood of many a corse-- - I like dear Mrs. Headrigg, that unravels - Her texts of Scripture on a trotting horse-- - She is so like Rae Wilson when he travels! - - -XII. - - I like thy Kenilworth--but I'm not going - To take a Retrospective Re-Review - Of all thy dainty novels--merely showing - The old familiar faces of a few, - The question to renew, - How thou canst leave such deeds without a name, - Forego the unclaim'd dividends of fame, - Forego the smiles of literary houris-- - Mid Lothian's trump, and Fife's shrill note of praise, - And all the Carse of Gowrie's, - When thou might'st have thy statue in Cromarty-- - Or see thy image on Italian trays, - Betwixt Queen Caroline and Buonaparté, - Be painted by the Titian of R.A.'s, - Or vie in signboards with the Royal Guelph! - Perhaps have thy bust set cheek by jowl with Homer's, - Perhaps send out plaster proxies of thyself - To other Englands with Australian roamers-- - Mayhap, in literary Owhyhee - Displace the native wooden gods, or be - The China-Lar of a Canadian shelf! - - -XIII. - - It is not modesty that bids thee hide-- - She never wastes her blushes out of sight: - It is not to invite - The world's decision, for thy fame is tried,-- - And thy fair deeds are scatter'd far and wide, - Even royal heads are with thy readers reckon'd,-- - From men in trencher caps to trencher scholars - In crimson collars, - And learned serjeants in the forty-second! - Whither by land or sea art thou not beckon'd? - Mayhap exported from the Frith of Forth, - Defying distance and its dim control; - Perhaps read about Stromness, and reckon'd worth - A brace of Miltons for capacious soul-- - Perhaps studied in the whalers, further north, - And set above ten Shakespeares near the pole! - - -XIV. - - Oh, when thou writest by Aladdin's lamp, - With such a giant genius at command, - For ever at thy stamp, - To fill thy treasury from Fairy Land, - When haply thou might'st ask the pearly hand - Of some great British Vizier's eldest daughter, - Tho' princes sought her, - And lead her in procession hymeneal, - Oh, why dost thou remain a Beau Ideal! - Why stay, a ghost, on the Lethean wharf, - Envelop'd in Scotch mist and gloomy fogs? - Why, but because thou art some puny dwarf, - Some hopeless imp, like Riquet with the Tuft, - Fearing, for all thy wit, to be rebuff'd, - Or bullied by our great reviewing Gogs? - - -XV. - - What in this masquing age - Maketh Unknowns so many and so shy? - What but the critic's page? - One hath a cast, he hides from the world's eye, - Another hath a wen--he won't show where; - A third has sandy hair, - A hunch upon his back, or legs awry, - Things for a vile reviewer to espy! - Another hath a mangel-wurzel nose-- - Finally, this is dimpled, - Like a pale crumpet face, or that is pimpled; - Things for a monthly critic to expose-- - Nay, what is thy own case--that being small, - Thou choosest to be nobody at all! - - -XVI. - - Well, thou art prudent, with such puny bones-- - E'en like Elshender, the mysterious elf, - That shadowy revelation of thyself-- - To build thee a small hut of haunted stones-- - For certainly the first pernicious man - That ever saw thee, would quickly draw thee - In some vile literary caravan-- - Shown for a shilling - Would be thy killing. - Think of Crachami's miserable span! - No tinier frame the tiny spark could dwell in - Than there it fell in-- - But when she felt herself a show, she tried - To shrink from the world's eye, poor dwarf! and died! - - -XVII. - - O since it was thy fortune to be born - A dwarf on some Scotch _Inch_, and then to flinch - From all the Gog-like jostle of great men. - Still with thy small crow pen - Amuse and charm thy lonely hours forlorn-- - Still Scottish story daintily adorn, - Be still a shade--and when this age is fled, - When we poor sons and daughters of reality - Are in our graves forgotten and quite dead, - And Time destroys our mottoes of morality, - The lithographic hand of Old Mortality - Shall still restore thy emblem on the stone, - A featureless death's head, - And rob Oblivion ev'n of the Unknown! - - - - -TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE, - -EDITOR OF THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE. - - Dost thou not suspect my years?-- - - MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. - - -I. - - Oh! Mr. Urban! never must _thou_ lurch - A sober age made serious drunk by thee; - Hop in thy pleasant way from church to church, - And nurse thy little bald Biography. - - -II. - - Oh, my Sylvanus! what a heart is thine! - And what a page attends thee! Long may I - Hang in demure confusion o'er each line - That asks thy little questions with a sigh! - - -III. - - Old tottering years have nodded to their falls, - Like pensioners that creep about and die; - But thou, Old Parr of periodicals, - Livest in monthly immortality! - - -IV. - - How sweet!--as Byron of _his_ infant said,-- - "Knowledge of objects" in thine eye to trace; - To see the mild no-meanings of thy head, - Taking a quiet nap upon thy face! - - -V. - - How dear through thy Obituary to roam, - And not a name of any name to catch! - To meet thy Criticism walking home - Averse from rows, and never calling "Watch!" - - -VI. - - Rich is thy page in soporific things,-- - Composing compositions,--lulling men,-- - Faded old posies of unburied rings,-- - Confessions dozing from an opiate pen:-- - - -VII. - - Lives of Right Reverends that have never liv'd,-- - Deaths of good people that have really died,-- - Parishioners,--hatch'd, husbanded, and wiv'd,-- - Bankrupts and Abbots breaking side by side! - - -VIII. - - The sacred query,--the remote response,-- - The march of serious mind, extremely slow,-- - The graver's cut at some right aged sconce, - Famous for nothing many years ago! - - -IX. - - B. asks of C. if Milton e'er did write - "Comus," obscured beneath some Ludlow lid;-- - And C., next month, an answer doth indite, - Informing B. that Mr. Milton did! - - -X. - - X. sends the portrait of a genuine flea, - Caught upon Martin Luther years agone; - And Mr. Parkes, of Shrewsbury, draws a bee, - Long dead, that gather'd honey for King John. - - -XI. - - There is no end of thee,--there is no end, - Sylvanus, of thy A, B, C, D-merits! - Thou dost, with alphabets, old walls attend, - And poke the letters into holes, like ferrets. - - -XII. - - Go on, Sylvanus!--Bear a wary eye, - The churches cannot yet be quite run out! - Some parishes must yet have been pass'd by,-- - There's Bullock-Smithy has a church no doubt! - - -XIII. - - Go on--and close the eyes of distant ages! - Nourish the names of the undoubted dead! - So epicures shall pick thy lobster-pages, - Heavy and lively, though but seldom _red_. - - -XIV. - - Go on! and thrive! Demurest of odd fellows! - Bottling up dulness in an ancient binn! - Still live! still prose!--continue still to tell us - Old truths! no strangers, though we take them in! - - - - -AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY. - - _Archer._ How many are there, Scrub? - _Scrub._ Five-and-forty, Sir.--BEAUX STRATAGEM. - - For shame--let the linen alone!--M. W. OF WINDSOR. - - - Mr. Scrub--Mr. Slop--or whoever you be! - The Cock of Steam Laundries,--the head Patentee - Of Associate Cleansers,--chief founder and prime - Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime-- - Co-partners and dealers, in linen's propriety-- - That make washing public--and wash in society-- - O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego, - For a moment, the music that bubbles below,-- - From your new Surrey Geisers[216] all foaming and hot,-- - That soft "_simmer's_ sang" so endear'd to the Scot-- - If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger-- - If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger, - Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub-- - O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub-- - And lend me your ear,--Let me modestly plead - For a race that your labours may soon supersede-- - For a race that, now washing no living affords-- - Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards, - Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease, - Not with bread in the funds--or investments of cheese-- - But to droop like sad willows that liv'd by a stream, - Which the sun has suck'd up into vapour and steam. - Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge - Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge; - When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins, - She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens, - And beginneth her toil while the morn is still grey, - As if she was washing the night into day-- - Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora - Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her; - Not Venus that rose from the billow so early, - Look'd down on the foam with a forehead more _pearly_[217]-- - Her head is involv'd in an aërial mist, - And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist; - Her visage glows warm with the ardour of duty; - She's Industry's moral--she's all moral beauty! - Growing brighter and brighter at every rub-- - Would any man ruin her? No, Mr. Scrub! - No man that is manly would work her mishap-- - No man that is manly would covet her cap-- - Nor her apron--her hose--nor her gown made of stuff-- - Nor her gin, nor her tea, nor her wet pinch of snuff! - Alas! so _she_ thought, but that slippery hope - Has betrayed her, as tho' she had trod on her soap! - And she--whose support, like the fishes that fly, - Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky; - She whose living it was, and a part of her fare, - To be damp'd once a day, like the great white sea bear, - With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop-- - Quite a living absorbent that revell'd in slop-- - She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand, - And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land! - - Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands, - Instead of a counterpane, wringing her hands! - All haggard and pinch'd, going down in life's vale, - With no faggot for burning, like Allan-a-dale! - No smoke from her flue--and no steam from her pane, - Where once she watch'd heaven, fearing God and the rain-- - Or gaz'd o'er her bleach-field so fairly engross'd, - Till the lines wander'd idle from pillar to post! - Ah, where are the playful young pinners--ah, where - The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air-- - The brisk waltzing stockings--the white and the black, - That danc'd on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack-- - The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn'd, - That blew into shape, and embodied the wind! - There was white on the grass--there was white on the spray-- - Her garden--it look'd like a garden of May! - But now all is dark--not a shirt's on a shrub-- - You've ruin'd her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub! - You've ruin'd her custom--now families drop her-- - From her silver reduc'd--nay, reduc'd from her _copper_! - The last of her washing is done at her eye, - One poor little 'kerchief that never gets dry! - From mere lack of linen she can't lay a cloth, - And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth; - But her children come round her as victuals grow scant, - And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want-- - When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed, - And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead, - And even its pearlashes laid in the grave-- - Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave, - And the greatest of coopers, ev'n he that they dub - Sir Astley, can't bind up her heart or her tub,-- - Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub! - Need you wonder, when steam has depriv'd her of bread, - If she prays that the evil may visit _your_ head-- - Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee-- - If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city-- - In short, not to mention all plagues without number, - If she wishes you all in the _Wash_ at the Humber! - - Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair, - When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare-- - When the sum of her suds might be summ'd in a bowl, - And the rusty cold iron quite enter'd her soul-- - When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye - Had caught the "Cock Laundresses' Coach" going by, - Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather, - And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together, - In a lather of passion that froth'd as it rose, - Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose, - On her sheet--if a sheet were still left her--to write, - Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light-- - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 216: Geisers, the boiling springs in Iceland.] - -[Footnote 217: Query, _purly_?--Printer's Devil.] - - - - -LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE - -FROM BRIDGET JONES, - -TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE. - - - It's a shame, so it is,--men can't Let alone - Jobs as is Woman's right to do--and go about there Own-- - Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools - For washing to sit Up,--and push the Old Tubs from their stools! - But your just like the Raddicals,--for upsetting of the Sudds - When the world wagged well enuff--and Wommen washed your old - dirty duds, - I'm Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no stream Ingins, - that's Flat,-- - But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as tidy and gentlemanny for - all that-- - I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle - I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back - when I were little, - And they Said it went with Steem,--But that was a joke! - For I never see none come of it,--that's out of it--but only - sum Smoak-- - And for All your Power of Horses about your Ingins you never had - but Two - In my time to draw you About to Fairs--and curse you, you know - that's true! - And for All your fine Perspectuses,--howsomever you bewhich 'em, - Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum, - Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another - to Do-- - It aant as if a Bird'seye Hankicher can take a Bird'shigh view! - But Thats your lookout--I've not much to do with that--But pleas God - to hold up fine, - Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever - crosst the Line - Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place, - And Thats more than you Can--and Ill say it behind your face-- - But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,-- - As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak! - Thinks I, when I heard it--Well thear's a Pretty go! - That comes o' not marking of things, or washing out the marks, and - Huddling 'em up so! - Till Their friends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in - a Vault, - But may Hap you havint Larn'd to spel--and that ant your Fault. - Only you ought to leafe the Linnens to them as has larn'd,-- - For if it warnt for Washing,--and whare Bills is concarnd - What's the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Edication, - And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays--fit for any Cityation. - - Well, what I says is This--when every Kittle has its spout, - Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about! - To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind - For blowing up Boats with,--but not to hurt human kind - Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that's loaded with hot - water, - Thof a Sheriff might know Better, than make things for slaughter, - As if War warnt Cruel enuff--wherever it befalls, - Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing balls,-- - But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs - As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Stream rubbing Clubs, - For washing Dirt Cheap,--and eating other Peple's grubs! - Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea, - But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Bo-He! - They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!) - And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods, - When you and your Steam has ruined (G--d] forgive mee!) their lively - Hoods, - Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth! - And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth! - But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at-- - They won't do for Angell's--nor any Trade like That, - Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,--for that's all Bespoke,-- - For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk - Do their own of Themselves--even the bettermost of em--aye, and even - them of middling degrees-- - Why God help you Babby Linen ant Bread and Cheese! - Nor we can't go a hammering the roads into Dust, - But we must all go and be Bankers,--and that's what we must! - God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects, - When you nose you have suck'd us and hanged round our Mutherly necks, - And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing-- - You ant, curse you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing - In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers - And prettily jear'd At you great Horse God Meril things, ant you now - by you next door neighbours-- - Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up - No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp-- - And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round - They'll scruntch your Bones some day--I'll be bound - And no more nor be a gudgement,--for it cant come to good - To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,--nor not fit It should, - For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation, - Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation-- - And can't be dun without in any Country But a Hottinpot Nation. - Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs - And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs-- - But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nayther Bybills - or Good Tracks, - Or youd know better than Taking the Close off one's Backs-- - And let your neighbours oxin and Asses alone,-- - And every Thing thats hern,--and give every one their Hone! - - Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself, - And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf, - But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe - And pull off Your Pattins,--and leave the washing to we - That nose what's what--Or mark what I say, - Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day-- - When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all, - And Crist mass cum--and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall, - Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare - Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite in his Chare-- - Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to - wash (for you dont wash) but to stew - And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew - With a vast more like That,--and all along of Steam - Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam-- - But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good, - And I cant say I'm Sorry afore God if you shoud, - For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways - Without taking ourn,--aye, and Moor to your Prays - If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt, - But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt! - - Yourn with Anymocity, - - BRIDGET JONES. - - - - -ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE, - -THE GREAT LESSEE! - - _Rover._ Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the - greatest man living?--WILD OATS. - - -I. - - Oh! Great Lessee! Great Manager! Great Man! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! Immortal Pan - Of all the pipes that play in Drury Lane! - Macready's master! Westminster's high _Dane_! - As Galway Martin, in the House's walls, - Hamlet and Doctor Ireland justly calls! - Friend to the sweet and ever-smiling Spring! - Magician of the lamp and prompter's ring! - Drury's Aladdin! Whipper-in of Actors, - Kicker of rebel-preface-malefactors! - Glass-blowers' corrector! King of the cheque-taker! - At once Great Leamington and Winston-Maker! - Dramatic Bolter of plain Bunns and cakes! - In silken _hose_ the most reform'd of _Rakes_! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! lend me an ear! - (Poole is away, and Williams shall keep clear) - While I, in little slips of prose, not verse, - Thy splendid course, as pattern-work, rehearse! - - -II. - - Bright was thy youth--thy manhood brighter still-- - The greatest Romeo upon Holborn Hill-- - Lightest comedian of the pleasant day, - When Jordan threw her sunshine o'er a play! - But these, though happy, were but subject times, - And no man cares for bottom-steps that climbs-- - Far from my wish it is to stifle down - The hours that saw thee snatch the Surrey crown! - Tho' now thy hand a mightier sceptre wields, - Fair was thy reign in sweet St. George's Fields. - Dibdin was _Premier_--and a golden _age_ - For a short time enrich'd the subject stage. - Thou hadst, than other Kings, more peace-and-plenty; - Ours but one Bench could boast, but thou hadst twenty; - But the times changed--and Booth-acting no more - Drew Rulers' shillings to the gallery door. - Thou didst, with bag and baggage, wander thence, - Repentant, like thy neighbour Magdalens! - - -III. - - Next, the Olympic Games were tried, each feat - Practis'd, the most bewitching in Wych Street. - Charles had his royal ribaldry restor'd, - And in a downright neighbourhood drank and whor'd; - Rochester there in dirty ways again - Revell'd--and liv'd once more in Drury Lane: - But thou, R. W.! kept thy moral ways, - Pit-lecturing 'twixt the farces and the plays, - A lamplight Irving to the butcher boys - That soil'd the benches and that made a noise:-- - "YOU,--in the back!--can scarcely hear a line! - Down from those benches--butchers--they are MINE!" - - -IV. - - Lastly--and thou wert built for it by nature!-- - Crown'd was thy head in Drury Lane Th_ea_tre! - Gentle George Robins saw that it was good, - And renters cluck'd around thee in a brood. - King thou wert made of Drury and of Kean! - Of many a lady and of many a Quean! - With Poole and Larpent was thy reign begun-- - But now thou turnest from the Dead and Dun, - Hook's in thine eye, to write thy plays, no doubt, - And Colman lives to cut the damnlet's out! - Oh, worthy of the house! the King's commission! - Isn't thy condition "a most bless'd condition?" - Thou reignest over Winston, Kean, and all - The very lofty and the very small-- - Showest the plumbless Bunn the way to kick-- - Keepest a Williams for thy veriest stick-- - Seest a Vestris in her sweetest moments, - Without the danger of newspaper comments-- - Tellest Macready, as none dared before, - Thine open mind from the half-open door!-- - (Alas! I fear he has left Melpomene's crown, - To be a Boniface in Buxton town!)-- - Thou hold'st the watch, as half-price people know, - And callest to them, to a moment, "Go!" - Teachest the sapient Sapio how to sing-- - Hangest a cat most oddly by the wing-- - Hast known the length of a Cubitt-foot--and kiss'd - The pearly whiteness of a Stephens' wrist-- - Kissing and pitying--tender and humane! - "By heaven she loves me! Oh, it is too plain!" - A sigh like this thy trembling passion slips, - Dimpling the warm Madeira at thy lips! - - -V. - - Go on, Lessee! Go on, and prosper well! - Fear not, though forty glass-blowers should rebel-- - Show them how thou hast long befriended them, - And teach Dubois _their_ treason to condemn! - Go on! addressing pits in prose and worse! - Be long, be slow, be anything but terse-- - Kiss to the gallery the hand that's glov'd-- - Make Bunn the Great, and Winston the Belov'd, - Go on--and but in this reverse the thing, - Walk backward with wax lights before the King-- - Go on! Spring ever in thine eye! Go on! - Hope's favourite child! ethereal Elliston! - - - - -ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE, - -M.P. FOR GALWAY. - - -I. - - How many sing of wars, - Of Greek and Trojan jars-- - The butcheries of men! - The Muse hath a "Perpetual Ruby Pen!" - Dabbling with heroes and the blood they spill; - But no one sings the man - That, like a pelican, - Nourishes Pity with his tender _Bill_! - - -II. - - Thou Wilberforce of hacks! - Of whites as well as blacks, - Piebald and dapple gray, - Chestnut and bay-- - No poet's eulogy thy name adorns! - But oxen, from the fens, - Sheep--in their pens, - Praise thee, and red cows with their winding horns! - Thou art sung on brutal pipes! - Drovers may curse thee, - Knackers asperse thee, - And sly M.P.'s bestow their cruel wipes; - But the old horse neighs thee, - And zebras praise thee, - Asses, I mean--that have as many stripes! - - -III. - - Hast thou not taught the drover to forbear, - In Smithfield's muddy, murderous, vile environ,-- - Staying his lifted bludgeon in the air! - Bullocks don't wear - _Oxide_ of iron! - The cruel Jarvy thou hast summon'd oft, - Enforcing mercy on the coarse Yahoo, - That thought his horse the _courser_ of the two-- - Whilst Swift smiled down aloft!-- - O worthy pair! for this, when ye inhabit - Bodies of birds--(if so the spirit shifts - From flesh to feather)--when the clown uplifts - His hand against the sparrow's nest, to _grab_ it,-- - He shall not harm the MARTINS and the _Swifts_! - - -IV. - - Ah! when Dean Swift was _quick_, how he enhanc'd - The horse!--and humbled biped man like Plato! - But now he's dead, the charger is mischanc'd-- - Gone backward in the world--and not advanc'd,-- - Remember Cato! - Swift was the horse's champion--not the King's, - Whom Southey sings, - Mounted on Pegasus--would he were thrown! - He'll wear that ancient hackney to the bone, - Like a mere clothes-horse airing royal things! - Ah well-a-day! the ancients did not use - Their steeds so cruelly!--let it debar men - From wanton rowelling and whip's abuse-- - Look at the ancients' _Muse_! - Look at their _Carmen_! - - -V. - - O, Martin! how thine eye-- - That one would think had put aside its lashes,-- - That can't bear gashes - Thro' any horse's side, must ache to spy - That horrid window fronting Fetter Lane,-- - For there's a nag the crows have pick'd for victual, - Or some man painted in a bloody vein-- - Gods! is there no _Horse-spital_! - That such raw shows must sicken the humane! - Sure Mr. Whittle - Loves thee but little, - To let that poor horse linger in his _pane_! - - -VI. - - O build a Brookes's Theatre for horses! - O wipe away the national reproach-- - And find a decent Vulture for their corses! - And in thy funeral track - Four sorry steeds shall follow in each coach! - Steeds that confess "the luxury of _wo_!" - True mourning steeds, in no extempore black, - And many a wretched hack - Shall sorrow for thee,--sore with kick and blow - And bloody gash--it is the Indian knack-- - (Save that the savage is his own tormentor)-- - Banting shall weep too in his sable scarf-- - The biped woe the quadruped shall enter, - And Man and Horse go half and half, - As if their grief's met in a common _Centaur_! - - - - -ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D. - -_Author of the Cook's Oracle--Observations on Vocal Music--the Art of -Invigorating and Prolonging Life--Practical Observations on Telescopes, -Opera Glasses, and Spectacles--the Housekeeper's Ledger--and the Pleasure -of Making a Will._ - - I rule the roast, as Milton says!--CALEB QUOTEM. - - -I. - - Hail! multifarious man! - Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton! - Born to enlighten - The laws of optics, peptics, music, cooking-- - Master of the piano--and the pan-- - As busy with the kitchen as the skies! - Now looking - At some rich stew thro' Galileo's eyes, - Or boiling eggs--timed to a metronome-- - As much at home - In spectacles as in mere isinglass-- - In the art of frying brown--as a digression - On music and poetical expression,-- - Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas! - Could tell Calliope from "Calliopee!" - How few there be - Could leave the lowest for the highest stories, - (Observatories,) - And turn, like thee, Diana's calculator, - However _cook's_ synonymous with _Kater_![218] - Alas! still let me say, - How few could lay - The carving-knife beside the tuning-fork, - Like the proverbial _Jack_ ready for any work! - - -II. - - Oh, to behold thy features in thy book! - Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate, - How it would look! - With one rais'd eye watching the dial's date, - And one upon the roast, gently cast down-- - Thy chops--done nicely brown-- - The garnish'd brow--with "a few leaves of bay"-- - The hair--"done Wiggy's way!" - And still one studious finger near thy brains, - As if thou wert just come - From editing some - New soup--or hashing Dibdin's cold remains! - Or, Orpheus-like--fresh from thy dying strains - Of music--Epping luxuries of sound, - As Milton says, "in many a bout - Of linked sweetness long drawn out," - Whilst all thy tame stuff'd leopards listen'd round! - - -III. - - Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal, - Standing like Fortune,--on the jack--thy wheel. - (Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes, - Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!) - Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges, - As tho' it were the same to sing or fry-- - Nay, so it is--hear how Miss Paton's throat - Makes "fritters" of a note! - And is not reading near akin to feeding, - Or why should Oxford sausages be fit - Receptacles for wit? - Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart, - Minc'd brains into a tart? - Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts, - Book-treats, - Equally to instruct the cook and cram her-- - Receipts to be devour'd, as well as read, - The culinary art in gingerbread-- - The Kitchen's _Eaten_ Grammar! - - -IV. - - Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page-- - Ay, very pleasant in its chatty vein-- - So--in a kitchen--would have talk'd Montaigne, - That merry Gascon--humorist, and sage! - Let slender minds with single themes engage, - Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,-- - Or Lovelass upon Wills,--thou goest on - Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson! - Thy brain is like a rich kaleidoscope, - Stuff'd with a brilliant medley of odd bits, - And ever shifting on from change to change, - Saucepans--old songs--pills--spectacles--and spits! - Thy range is wider than a Rumford range! - Thy grasp a miracle!--till I recall - Th' indubitable cause of thy variety-- - Thou art, of course, th' epitome of all - That spying--frying--singing--mix'd Society - Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet - Welsh Rabbits--and thyself--in Warren Street! - - -V. - - Oh, hast thou still those conversazioni, - Where learned visitors discoursed--and fed? - There came Belzoni, - Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead-- - And gentle Poki--and that royal pair, - Of whom thou didst declare-- - "Thanks to the greatest _Cooke_ we ever read-- - They were--what _Sandwiches_ should be--half _bred_!" - There fam'd M'Adam from his manual toil - Relax'd--and freely own'd he took thy hints - On "making _broth_ with _flints_"-- - There Parry came, and show'd the polar oil - For melted butter--Coombe with his medullary - Notions about the _scullery_, - And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil-- - There witty Rogers came, that punning elf! - Who used to swear thy book - Would really look - A _Delphic_ "Oracle," if laid on _Delf_-- - There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss'd - His own--and thy own--"_Magazine_ of _Taste_"-- - There Wilberforce the Just - Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac'd - Thy sly advice to _poachers_ of black folks, - That "do not break their _yolks_,"-- - Which huff'd him home, in grave disgust and haste! - - -VI. - - There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore - Thy _patties_--thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore, - Who call'd thee _Kitchen Addison_--for why? - Thou givest rules for health and peptic pills, - Forms for made dishes, and receipts for wills, - "_Teaching us how to live and how to die!_" - There came thy cousin-cook, good Mrs. Fry-- - There Trench, the Thames projector, first brought on - His sine _Quay_ non,-- - There Martin would drop in on Monday eves, - Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath - 'Gainst cattle days and death,-- - Answer'd by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves, - Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager - For fighting on soup meagre-- - "And yet (as thou wouldst add) the French have seen - A Marshal _Tureen_!" - - -VII. - - Great was thy evening cluster!--often grac'd - With Dollond--Burgess--and Sir Humphry Davy! - 'Twas there M'Dermot first inclin'd to taste,-- - There Colburn learn'd the art of making paste - For puffs--and Accum analysed a gravy. - Colman, the cutter of Colman Street, 'tis said - Came there, and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head, - (His claim to letters)--Kater, too, the Moon's - Crony,--and Graham, lofty on balloons, - There Croly stalk'd with holy humour heated, - (Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed), - And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ, - And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons, - Madame Valbrèque thrice honour'd thee, and came - With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,-- - And even Irving spar'd a night from fame, - And talk'd--till thou didst stop him in the middle, - To serve round _Tewah-diddle_![219] - - -VIII. - - Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye! - So let them:--thou thyself art still a _Host_! - Dibdin--Cornaro--Newton--Mrs. Fry! - Mrs. Glasse--Mr. Spec!--Lovelass--and Weber, - Mathews in Quotem--Moore's fire-worshipping Gheber-- - Thrice-worthy worthy! seem by thee engross'd! - Howbeit the peptic cook still rules the roast, - Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,-- - And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion! - Thou art, sans question, - The Corporation's love--its Doctor _Darling_! - Look at the civic palate--nay, the bed - Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying - "Illustrations of _Lying!"_ - Ninety square feet of down from heel to head - It measured, and I dread - Was haunted by a terrible night _Mare_, - A monstrous burthen on the corporation!-- - Look at the bill of fare, for one day's share, - Sea-turtles by the score--oxen by droves, - Geese, turkeys, by the flock--fishes and loaves - Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation - Was making up the huge man-mountain's ration! - - -IX. - - Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven - The squatting demon from great Garratt's breast-- - (His honour seems to rest!--) - And what is thy reward?--Hath London given - Thee public thanks for thy important service? - Alas! not even - The tokens it bestow'd on Howe and Jervis!-- - Yet could I speak as orators should speak - Before the worshipful the Common Council - (Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill), - Thou shouldst not miss thy freedom, for a week, - Richly engross'd on vellum:--Reason urges - That he who rules our cookery--that he - Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be - A _Citizen_, where sauce can make a _Burgess_! - - -THE END. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 218: Captain Kater, the Moon's Surveyor.] - -[Footnote 219: The Doctor's composition for a _nightcap_.] - - - - - PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. - LONDON AND EDINBURGH - - - - -ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES - -OF STANDARD AUTHORS, - -Without Abridgment, Crown 8vo, 2s. each, in cloth. - - - 1 The Wide, Wide World, by Miss Wetherell. - - 2 Melbourne House, by Miss Wetherell. - - 3 The Lamplighter, by Miss Cummins. - - 4 Stepping Heavenward, and Aunt Jane's Hero, by E. 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Knight, large type edition, with full-page - illustrations, vol. 1. - 94 ---- vol. 2. 95 ---- vol. 3. - 96 The Spectator, large type ed., vol. 1. - 97 ---- vol. 2. 98 ---- vol. 3. - 99 R. W. Emerson's Complete Works. - 100 Boswell's Life of Johnson and Tour to the Hebrides, vol. 1. - 101 ---- vol. 2. 102 ---- vol. 3. - 103 S. Knowles' Dramatic Works. - 104 Roscoe's (W.) Lorenzo de Medici. - 105 ---- (W.) Life of Leo X., vol. 1. - 106 ---- vol. 2. - 107 Berington's Literary History of the Middle Ages. - - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - | | - | Transcriber Notes: | - | | - | P.5: 'INTRODUTION' changed to 'INTRODUCTION'. | - | P.83. 'beesech' changed to 'beseech'. | - | P.103. 'quetions' changed to 'questions'. | - | P.111. 'Futnre' changed to 'future'. | - | P.145. 'acqaintance' changed to 'acquaintance'. | - | P.187. 'Queeen' changed to 'Queen'. | - | P.188. '-cophronio' changed to '-cophornio | - | P.281. 'surpise' changed to 'surprise'. | - | Fixed various punctuation. | - | The equals sign is used to surround =bold text=; | - | underscores to surround _italic text_. | - | | - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - -***** This file should be named 53606-8.txt or 53606-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/6/0/53606/ - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Burlesque Plays and Poems - -Author: Henry Morley - Geoffrey Chaucer - George Villiers - John Philips - Henry Fielding - -Release Date: November 26, 2016 [EBook #53606] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - - - - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -Fifteen Volumes in an Oak Bookcase. - -[Illustration] - -Price One Guinea. - - * * * * * - -"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."--_Daily Telegraph._ - - * * * * * - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - -In Monthly Volumes, ONE SHILLING Each. - -_READY ON THE 25th OF EACH MONTH._ - -[Illustration: MORLEYS UNIVERSAL LIBRARY] - - -Ballantyne Press BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGH CHANDOS STREET, -LONDON - - - - - -BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS - - - CHAUCER'S - _RIME OF THOPAS_. - - BEAUMONT & FLETCHER'S - _KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE_. - - GEORGE VILLIERS, DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM'S - _REHEARSAL_. - - JOHN PHILIPS'S - _SPLENDID SHILLING_. - - FIELDING'S - _TOM THUMB THE GREAT_. - - HENRY CAREY'S - _NAMBY PAMBY_ AND - _CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS_. - - CANNING, FRERE & ELLIS'S - _ROVERS_. - - W. B. RHODES'S - _BOMBASTES FURIOSO_. - - HORACE & JAMES SMITH'S - _REJECTED ADDRESSES_. - - AND SOME OF - THOMAS HOOD'S - _ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE_. - - - _WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY_ - LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT - UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, LONDON - - - LONDON - GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS - BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL - NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE - 1885 - - - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - - -VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. - - _SHERIDAN'S PLAYS._ - _PLAYS FROM MOLIERE._ By English Dramatists. - _MARLOWE'S FAUSTUS & GOETHE'S FAUST._ - _CHRONICLE OF THE CID._ - _RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL._ - _THE PRINCE._ By MACHIAVELLI. - _BACON'S ESSAYS._ - _DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR._ - _LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT & FILMER'S "PATRIARCHA."_ - _SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGY and WITCHCRAFT._ - _DRYDEN'S VIRGIL._ - _BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION._ - _HERRICK'S HESPERIDES._ - _COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK._ - _BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON._ - _STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY._ - _CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD._ - _MEDIAEVAL TALES._ - _VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE & JOHNSON'S RASSELAS._ - _PLAYS and POEMS by BEN JONSON._ - _LEVIATHAN._ By THOMAS HOBBES. - _HUDIBRAS._ By SAMUEL BUTLER. - _IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS._ - _CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY._ - _DON QUIXOTE._ IN TWO VOLUMES. - _BURLESQUE PLAYS and POEMS._ - - "Marvels of clear type and general neatness." - _Daily Telegraph._ - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian -"burlesco"; "burla" being mockery or raillery, and implying always an -object. Burlesque must, _burlarsi di uno_, mock at somebody or something, -and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. -One etymologist associates the word with the old English "bourd," a -jest; the Gaelic "burd," he says, means mockery, and "buirleadh," is -language of ridicule. Yes, and "burrail" is the loud romping of children, -and "burrall" is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another -etymologist takes the Italian "burla," waggery or banter, as diminutive -from the Latin "burra," which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius -in the sense of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, -but, like Launce's sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit. - -The first burlesque in this volume--Chaucer's "Rime of Sir Thopas," -written towards the close of the fourteenth century--is a jest upon -long-winded story-tellers, who expatiate on insignificant detail; for -in his day there were many metrical romances written by the ancestors -of Mrs. Nickleby. Riding to Canterbury with the other pilgrims, Chaucer -good-humouredly takes to himself the part of the companion who jogs along -with even flow of words, luxuriating in all trivial detail until he -brings Sir Thopas face to face with an adventure, for he meets a giant -with three heads. But even then there is the adventure to be waited for. -The story-teller finds that he must trot his knight back home to fetch -his armour, and when he "is comen again to toune," it takes so many -words to get him his supper, get his armour on, and trot him out again, -that the inevitable end comes, with rude intrusion of some faint-hearted -lording who has not courage to listen until the point of the story can -be descried from afar. So the best of the old story-tellers, in a book -full of examples of tales told as they should be, burlesqued misuse of -his art, and the "Rime of Sir Thopas" became a warning buoy over the -shallows. "I cannot," said Sir Thomas Wyatt, in Henry VIII.'s reign, - - "say that Pan - Passeth Apollo in music manyfold; - Praise Sir Thopas for a noble tale, - And scorn the story that the Knighte told." - -The second burlesque in this volume, Beaumont and Fletcher's "Knight of -the Burning Pestle," written in eight days, appeared in 1611, six years -after the publication of the First Part, and four years earlier than -the Second Part, of Don Quixote. The first English translation of Don -Quixote (Shelton's) appeared in 1612. The Knight of the Burning Pestle -is, like Don Quixote, a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the -tales of chivalry. Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher worked together as -playwrights in the reign of James I. All their plays were produced during -that reign. Beaumont died in the same year as Shakespeare, having written -thirteen plays in fellowship with Fletcher. Forty more were written by -Fletcher alone, but the name of Beaumont is, by tradition of a loving -fellowship, associated with them all. "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" -is all the merrier for being the work of men who were themselves true -poets. It should be remembered that this play was written for a theatre -without scenery, in which gentlemen were allowed to hire stools on the -stage itself for a nearer view of the actors; and it is among this select -part of the audience that the citizen intrudes and the citizen's wife -is lifted up, when she cries, "Husband, shall I come up, husband?" "Ay, -cony; Ralph, help your mistress up this way; pray, gentlemen, make her a -little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife.... -Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin." - -The next burlesque in our collection is "The Rehearsal," which was -produced in 1671 to ridicule the extravagance of the "heroic" plays of -the Restoration. The founder of this school in England was Sir William -Davenant who was living and was Poet Laureate--and wearer of the bays, -therefore, was Bayes--when the jest was begun by George Villiers, Duke -of Buckingham, and other wits of the day. The jest was so long in hand -that, in 1668, when Davenant died, and Dryden succeeded him as Laureate, -the character of Bayes passed on to him. The plaster on the nose pointed -at Davenant, who had lost great part of his nose. The manner of speaking, -and the "hum and buzz," pointed at Dryden, who was also in 1671 the -great master of what was called heroic drama. Bold rhodomontade was, -on the stage, preferred to good sense at a time when the new French -criticism was enforcing above all things "good sense" upon poets, as a -reaction against the strained ingenuities that had come in under Italian -influence. Let us leave to Italy her paste brilliants, said Boileau, in -his _Art Poetique_, produced at the same time as "The Rehearsal," all -should tend to good sense. But Dryden in his plays (not in his other -poems) boldly translated Horace's _serbit humi tutus_, into - - "He who servilely creeps after sense - Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence." - -The particular excellence attained by flying out of sight of sense is -burlesqued in the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal." - -John Philips, the delicate and gentle son of a vicar of Bampton, read -Milton with delight from his boyhood and knew Virgil almost by heart. At -college he wrote, for the edification of a comrade who did not know how -to keep a shilling in his pocket, "The Splendid Shilling," a poem first -published in 1705--which set forth, in Miltonic style applied to humblest -images, the comfort of possessing such a coin. The Miltonic grandeur of -tone John Philips happily caught from a long and loving study of the -English poet whom he reverenced above others, and "The Splendid Shilling" -has a special charm as a burlesque in which nobody is ridiculed. - -The burlesque poem called "Namby Pamby," of which the title has been -added to the English vocabulary, was written by Henry Carey, in ridicule -of the little rhymes inscribed to certain babies of distinguished -persons by Ambrose Philips, or, as he is translated into nursery -language, "Namby Pamby Pilli-pis." Ambrose Philips was a friend and -companion of Addison's, and a gentleman who prospered fairly in Whig -government circles. Pope's annoyance at the praise given to Ambrose -Philips's pastorals which appeared in the same Miscellany with his own, -and Addison's praise in the _Spectator_ of his friend's translation of -Racine's Andromache as "The Distrest Mother," have caused Ambrose Philips -to be better remembered in the history of literature than might otherwise -have been necessary. When he wrote no longer of - - "Mammy - Andromache and her lammy - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest." - -and took to nursery lyrics, he gave Henry Carey an opportunity of putting -a last touch to his monument for the instruction of posterity. The two -specimens here given of the original poems that suggested "Namby Pamby" -are addressed severally to two babes in the nursery of Daniel Pulteney, -Esq. Another of the babies who inspired him was an infant Carteret, -whose name Carey translated into "Tartaretta Tartaree." Some lines here -and there, seven in all, which are not the wittier for being coarse, -have been left out of "Namby Pamby." This burlesque was first published -in 1725 or 1726; my copy is of the fifth edition, dated 1726, and was -appended to "A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling; its Dignity, Antiquity, -and Excellence, with a Word upon Pudding, and many other Useful -Discoveries of great Benefit to the Publick. To which is added, Namby -Pamby, A Panegyric on the new Versification address'd to A---- P----, -Esq." - -Henry Fielding produced his "Tom Thumb" in 1730, and added the notes of -Scriblerus Secundus in 1731, following the example set by the Dunciad as -published in April 1729, with the "Prolegomena of Scriblerus and Notes -Variorum." Paul Whitehead added notes of a Scriblerus Tertius to his -"Gymnasiad" in 1744. Fielding was twenty-four years old when he added -to his "Tom Thumb" the notes that transmit to us lively examples of the -stilted language of the stage by which, as a gentleman's son left to his -own resources, he was then endeavouring to live. This was four years -before his marriage, and ten years before he revealed his transcendent -powers as a novelist. - -Henry Carey's "Chrononhotonthologos," three years later, in 1734, carried -on the war against pretentious dulness on the stage. The manner of -the great actors was, like the plays of their generation, pompous and -rhetorical, full of measured sound and fury signifying nothing. Garrick, -who made his first appearance as an actor in 1741, put an end to this. -"If the young fellow is right," said Quin, "We are all in the wrong;" -little suspecting that they really were all in the wrong. Henry Carey, -a musician by profession, played in the orchestra and also supplied the -stage with ballad and burlesque farces and operas. But also he wrote -"Namby Pamby." It was said of him that "he led a life free from reproach, -and hanged himself October 4th, 1743." - -"The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement," was a contribution to "The -Anti-Jacobin," by George Canning, and his friends George Ellis and John -Hookham Frere. Canning had established "The Anti-Jacobin," of which the -first number was published on the 20th of November, 1797. Its poetry, -generally levelled through witty burlesque at the false sentiment of the -day, was collected in 1801 into a handsome quarto. This includes "The -Rovers," which is a lively caricature of the sentimental German drama. -Goethe's "Stella," as read in the translation used by the caricaturists, -is not less comical than the caricature. I have a copy of the "Poetry -of the Anti-Jacobin," in which one of the original writers has, for the -friend to whom he gave the book, marked with his pen and ink details of -authorship. From this it appears that the description of the _dramatis -personae_ in "The Rovers" was by Frere, the Prologue by Canning and Ellis, -the opening scene by Frere as far as Rogero's famous song, which was by -Canning and Ellis. All that follows to the beginning of the fourth act -was by Canning, except that Frere wrote the scene in the second act on -the delivery of a newspaper to Beefington and Puddingfield. The fourth -act and the final stage directions were by Frere, except the Recitative -and Chorus of Conspirators. These were by George Ellis. - -"Bombastes Furioso," first produced in 1810, was by William Barnes -Rhodes, who had published a translation of Juvenal in 1801 and "Epigrams" -in 1803. He formed a considerable dramatic library, of which there was a -catalogue printed in 1825. - -Next comes in this collection the series of burlesques of the styles of -poets famous and popular in 1812, published in that year as "Rejected -Addresses," by Horace and James Smith. Of these brothers, sons of -an attorney, one was an attorney, the other a stockbroker, one aged -thirty-seven, the other thirty-three, when the book appeared which made -them famous, and of which the first edition is reprinted in this volume. -The book went through twenty-four editions. James Smith wrote no more, -but Horace to the last amused himself with literature. "Is it not odd," -Leigh Hunt wrote of him to Shelley, "that the only truly generous person -I ever knew, who had money to be generous with, was a stockbroker! And -he writes poetry too; he writes poetry, and pastoral dramas, and yet -knows how to make money, and does make it, and is still generous." The -Fitzgerald who is subject of the first burlesque used to recite his -laudatory poems at the annual dinners of the Literary Fund, and is the -same who was referred to in the opening lines of Byron's "English Bards -and Scotch Reviewers:" - - "Still must I hear?--shall hoarse Fitzgerald bawl - His creaking couplets in a tavern hall, - And I not sing." - -This Miscellany closes with some of the "Odes and Addresses to Great -People," with which Thomas Hood, at the age of twenty-six, first made his -mark as a wit. The little book from which these pieces are taken was the -joint work of himself and John Hamilton Reynolds, whose sister he had -married. It marks the rise of the pun in burlesque writing through Thomas -Hood, who, when dying of consumption, suggested for his epitaph, "Here -lies one who spat more blood and made more puns than any other man." - - H. M. - - _June, 1885._ - - - - -Burlesque Plays and Poems. - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - -PROLOGUE TO SIR THOPAS. - - - When said was this miracle, every man - As sober was, that wonder was to see, - Till that our host to japen he began, - And then at erst he looked upon me, - And saide thus: "What man art thou?" quod he. - Thou lookest, as thou wouldest find an hare, - For ever upon the ground I see thee stare. - - "Approche near, and look up merrily. - Now ware you, sirs, and let this man have place. - He in the waist is shapen as well as I: - This were a popet in an arm to embrace - For any woman, small and fair of face. - He seemeth elvish by his countenance, - For unto no wight doth he dalliance. - - "Say now somewhat, sin other folk han said; - Tell us a tale of mirth, and that anon." - "Hoste," quod I, "ne be not evil apaid, - For other tale certes, can I none, - But of a Rime I learned yore agone." - "Yea, that is good," quod he, "we shullen hear - Some dainty thing, me thinketh by thy cheere." - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - - - Listeneth, lordings, in good entent, - And I wol tell you _verament_ - Of mirth and of solas, - All of a knight was fair and gent - In battle and in tournament, - His name was Sir Thopas. - - Yborn he was in far countree, - In Flanders, all beyond the sea, - At Popering in the place, - His father was a man full free, - And lord he was of that countree, - As it was Goddes grace. - - Sir Thopas was a doughty swain, - White was his face as paindemaine - His lippes red as rose. - His rudde is like scarlet in grain, - And I you tell in good certain - He had a seemly nose. - - His hair, his beard, was like saffroun, - That to his girdle raught adown, - His shoon of cordewaine; - Of Bruges were his hosen brown; - His robe was of ciclatoun, - That coste many a jane. - - He could hunt at the wilde dere, - And ride on hawking for the rivere - With grey goshawk on hand: - Thereto he was a good archere, - Of wrestling was there none his peer, - Where any ram should stand. - - Full many a maiden bright in bower - They mourned for him _par amour_, - When them were bet to slepe; - But he was chaste and no lechour, - And sweet as is the bramble flower, - That beareth the red hepe. - - And so it fell upon a day, - Forsooth, as I you tellen may, - Sir Thopas would out ride; - He worth upon his stede gray, - And in his hand a launcegay, - A long sword by his side. - - He pricketh through a fair forest, - Therein is many a wilde beast, - Yea bothe buck and hare, - And as he pricked North and Est, - I tell it you, him had almest - Betid a sorry care. - - There springen herbes great and smale, - The liquorice and the setewale, - And many a clove gilofre, - And nutemeg to put in ale, - Whether it be moist or stale, - Or for to lain in cofre. - - The birdes singen, it is no nay, - The sparhawk and the popingay, - That joy it was to hear, - The throstel cock made eke his lay, - The wode dove upon the spray - He sang full loud and clear. - - Sir Thopas fell in love-longing - All when he heard the throstel sing, - And pricked as he were wood; - His faire steed in his pricking - So swatte, that men might him wring, - His sides were all blood. - - Sir Thopas eke so weary was - For pricking on the softe gras, - So fierce was his courage, - That down he laid him in that place - To maken his stede som solace, - And gave him good forage. - - Ah, Seinte Mary, _benedicite_, - What aileth this love at me - To binde me so sore? - Me dreamed all this night parde, - An elf-queen shal my leman be, - And sleep under my gore. - - An elf-queen will I love ywis, - For in this world no woman is - Worthy to be my make - In town,-- - All other women I forsake, - And to an elf-queen I me take - By dale and eke by down. - - Into his saddle he clomb anon, - And pricked over stile and stone - An elf-queen for to espie, - Till he so long had ridden and gone, - That he found in a privee wone - The contree of Faerie. - - Wherein he soughte North and South, - And oft he spied with his mouth - In many a forest wild, - For in that contree n'as ther non, - That to him durst ride or gon, - Neither wife ne child. - - Till that there came a great geaunt, - His name was Sir Oliphaunt, - A perilous man of deed, - He saide, Childe by Termagaunt, - But if thou prick out of mine haunt, - Anon I slay thy stede - With mace. - Here is the Queen of Faerie, - With harp, and pipe, and symphonie, - Dwelling in this place. - - The Childe said, All so mote I thee, - To morrow wol I meten thee, - When I have min armour, - And yet I hope _par ma fay_, - That thou shalt with this launcegay - Abien it full soure; - Thy mawe - Shal I perce, if I may, - Or it be fully prime of the day, - For here thou shalt be slawe. - - Sir Thopas drew aback full fast; - This geaunt at him stones cast - Out of a fell staff sling: - But faire escaped Childe Thopas, - And all it was through Goddes grace, - And through his fair bearing. - - Yet listeneth, lordings, to my tale, - Merrier than the nightingale, - For now I will you roune, - How Sir Thopas with sides smale, - Pricking over hill and dale, - Is comen again to toune. - - His merry men commandeth he, - To maken him bothe game and glee, - For needes must he fight, - With a geaunt with heades three, - For paramour and jolitee - Of one that shone full bright. - - Do come, he said, my minestrales - And gestours for to tellen tales - Anon in mine arming, - Of romaunces that ben reales, - Of popes and of cardinales, - And eke of love-longing. - - They fet him first the swete wine, - And mead eke in a maseline, - And regal spicerie, - Of ginger-bread that was full fine, - And liquorice and eke cummine, - With sugar that is trie. - - He didde next his white lere - Of cloth of lake fine and clere - A breche and eke a sherte, - And next his shert an haketon, - And over that an habergeon, - For piercing of his herte. - - And over that a fine hauberk, - Was all ywrought of Jewes werk, - Full strong it was of plate, - And over that his cote-armoure, - As white as is the lily floure, - In which he would debate. - - His shield was all of gold so red, - And therein was a boares hed, - A carbuncle beside; - And there he swore on ale and bread - How that the geaunt shuld be dead, - Betide what so betide. - - His jambeux were of cuirbouly, - His swordes sheth of ivory, - His helm of latoun bright, - His saddle was of rewel bone, - His bridle as the sonne shone, - Or as the mone light. - - His spere was of fin cypress, - That bodeth war, and nothing peace, - The head full sharp yground. - His stede was all dapple gray, - It goeth an amble in the way - Full softely and round - In londe-- - Lo, Lordes mine, here is a fytte; - If ye wol ony more of it, - To tell it wol I fond. - - Now hold your mouth _pour charite_, - Bothe knight and lady free, - And herkeneth to my spell, - Of bataille and of chivalrie, - Of ladies love and druerie, - Anon I wol you tell. - - Men speken of romaunces of pris, - Of Hornchild, and of Ipotis, - Of Bevis, and Sir Guy, - Of Sir Libeux, and Pleindamour, - But Sir Thopas, he bears the flour - Of real chivalrie. - - His goode steed he all bestrode, - And forth upon his way he glode, - As sparkle out of brond; - Upon his crest he bare a tower, - And therein sticked a lily flower, - God shield his corps fro shond. - - And for he was a knight auntrous, - He n'olde slepen in none house, - But liggen in his hood, - His brighte helm was his wanger, - And by him baited his destrer - Of herbes fine and good. - - Himself drank water of the well, - As did the knight Sir Percivell - So worthy under weede, - Till on a day ---- ---- - - "No more of this for Goddes dignitee," - Quod oure hoste, "for thou makest me - So weary of thy veray lewednesse, - That all so wisly God my soule blesse, - Min eres aken of thy drafty speche. - Now swiche a rime the devil I beteche; - This may wel be rime dogerel," quod he. - "Why so?" quod I, "why wolt thou letten me - More of my tale than an other man, - Sin that it is the beste rime I can?" - "Thou dost nought elles but dispendest time. - Sir, at one word, thou shalt no longer rime." - - - - -THE - -KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - THE PROLOGUE. - _Then a Citizen._ - _The Citizen's Wife, and_ RALPH, _her man, sitting below - amidst the spectators._ - _A rich Merchant._ - JASPER, _his apprentice._ - MASTER HUMPHREY, _a friend to the Merchant._ - LUCE, _the Merchant's daughter._ - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, JASPER'S _mother._ - MICHAEL, _a second son of_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - OLD MR. MERRY-THOUGHT. - _A Squire._ - _A Dwarf._ - _A Tapster._ - _A Boy that danceth and singeth._ - _An Host._ - _A Barber._ - _Two Knights._ - _A Captain._ - _A Sergeant._ - _Soldiers._ - - -_Enter_ PROLOGUE. - - From all that's near the court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. - -_Enter_ CITIZEN. - -_Cit._ Hold your peace, good-man boy. - -_Pro._ What do you mean, sir? - -_Cit._ That you have no good meaning: these seven years there hath -been plays at this house, I have observed it, you have still girds at -citizens; and now you call your play "The London Merchant." Down with -your title, boy, down with your title. - -_Pro._ Are you a member of the noble city? - -_Cit._ I am. - -_Pro._ And a freeman? - -_Cit._ Yea, and a grocer. - -_Pro._ So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the -city. - -_Cit._ No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the jacks, -what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? -Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with the legend of -Whittington, or the Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the -building of the Royal Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the -rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks? - -_Pro._ You seem to be an understanding man; what would you have us do, -sir? - -_Cit._ Why, present something notably in honour of the commons of the -city. - -_Pro._ Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat Drake, or the -repairing of Fleet privies? - -_Cit._ I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of -my own trade. - -_Pro._ Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, our play is -ready to begin now. - -_Cit._ 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall do -admirable things. - -_Pro._ What will you have him do? - -_Cit._ Marry I will have him---- - - _Wife._ Husband, husband! [WIFE _below._ - - _Ralph._ Peace, mistress. [RALPH _below._ - -_Wife._ Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant ye. Husband, -husband! - -_Cit._ What sayest thou, cony? - -_Wife._ Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill a lion -with a pestle. - -_Cit._ So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle. - -_Wife._ Husband, shall I come up, husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, gentlemen, -make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my -wife; I thank you, sir, so. - -_Wife._ By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, I'm a -stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as they say, before; -but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and my husband hath promised me -anytime this twelvemonth, to carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in -truth he did not; I pray you bear with me. - -_Cit._ Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin, -and let the grocer do rare things. - -_Pro._ But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one hath a part -already. - -_Wife._ Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; beshrew me -if I do not think he will go beyond them all. - -_Cit._ Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, gentlemen, -let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and necessaries, and by Gad, if -any of them all blow wind in the tail on him, I'll be hanged. - -_Wife._ I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll be -sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you sometimes at -our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: he will fetch you up -a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as feared I warrant -you, that we quake again. We fear our children with him, if they be never -so unruly, do but cry "Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be -as quiet as lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what thou -canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen will accept -of it. - -_Cit._ Do, Ralph, do. - - _Ralph._ By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap - To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon, - Or dive into the bottom of the sea, - Where never fathom line touched any ground, - And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell. - -_Cit._ How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you? - -_Wife._ Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband says, -"Musidorus," before the wardens of our company. - -_Cit._ Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker for a -wager. - -_Pro._ He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in. - -_Cit._ In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, if -thou lovest me. - -_Wife._ I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed. - -_Pro._ But what will you have it called? - -_Cit._ "The Grocer's Honour." - -_Pro._ Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were better. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be. - -_Cit._ Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down. - -_Pro._ I pray you do. - -_Cit._ What stately music have you? Have you shawns? - -_Pro._ Shawns? No. - -_Cit._ No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph plays a -stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at the charge of -them myself rather than we'll be without them. - -_Pro._ So you are like to be. - -_Cit._ Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the waits -of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that -will fetch them all o'er the water with a vengeance, as if they were mad. - -_Pro._ You shall have them; will you sit down, then? - -_Cit._ Ay, come, wife. - -_Wife._ Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst you for my -ease. - - _Pro._ From all that's near the Court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence - All private taxes, all immodest phrases, - Whatever may but show like vicious, - For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings, - But honest minds are pleased with honest things. - Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must - answer for't yourself. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you. - -_Wife._ I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ JASPER _his man_. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, I'll make you know you are my prentice, - And whom my charitable love redeem'd - Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat - And growth, to be what now thou art; new cast thee, - Adding the trust of all I have at home, - In foreign staples, or upon the sea, - To thy direction; tied the good opinions - Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours,-- - So fair were thy beginnings. But with these, - As I remember, you had never charge - To love your master's daughter, and even then, - When I had found a wealthy husband for her, - I take it, sir, you had not; but, however, - I'll break the neck of that commission, - And make you know you're but a merchant's factor. - - _Jasp._ Sir, I do lib'rally confess I'm yours, - Bound both by love and duty to your service: - In which my labour hath been all my profit. - I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted - To wear your honest gains upon my back, - Nor have I giv'n a pension to my blood, - Or lavishly in play consum'd your stock. - These, and the miseries that do attend them, - I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers - To all my temperate actions; for your daughter, - If there be any love to my deservings - Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it: - Nor am I able to refrain her wishes. - She's private to herself, and best of knowledge - Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for. - Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her - Unto a fellow of so lame a presence, - One that hath little left of nature in him. - - _Merch._ 'Tis very well, sir, I can tell your wisdom - How all this shall be cured. - - _Jasp._ Your care becomes you. - - _Merch._ And thus it shall be, sir; I here discharge you - My house and service. Take your liberty, - And when I want a son I'll send for you. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ These be the fair rewards of them that love, - Oh you that live in freedom never prove - The travail of a mind led by desire. - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Why how now, friend, struck with my father's thunder? - - _Jasp._ Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy - Be full of speed and virtue; I am now, - What I expected long, no more your father's. - - _Luce._ But mine. - - _Jasp._ But yours, and only yours I am, - That's all I have to keep me from the statute; - You dare be constant still? - - _Luce._ O fear me not. - In this I dare be better than a woman. - Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me, - Were they both equal to a prince's power. - - _Jasp._ You know my rival? - - _Luce._ Yes, and love him dearly, - E'en as I love an ague, or foul weather; - I prithee, Jasper, fear him not. - - _Jasp._ Oh no, - I do not mean to do him so much kindness. - But to our own desires: you know the plot - We both agreed on. - - _Luce._ Yes, and will perform - My part exactly. - - _Jasp._ I desire no more, - Farewell, and keep my heart, 'tis yours. - - _Luce._ I take it, - He must do miracles, makes me forsake it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Fie upon 'em, little infidels, what a matter's here now? Well, -I'll be hang'd for a half-penny, if there be not some abomination knavery -in this play; well, let 'em look to it, Ralph must come, and if there be -any tricks a-brewing---- - -_Wife._ Let 'em brew and bake too, husband, a God's name. Ralph will find -all out I warrant you, and they were older than they are. I pray, my -pretty youth, is Ralph ready? - -_Boy._ He will be presently. - -_Wife._ Now I pray you make my commendations unto him, and withal, carry -him this stick of liquorice; tell him his mistress sent it him, and bid -him bite a piece, 'twill open his pipes the better, say. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ MASTER HUMPHREY. - - _Merch._ Come, sir, she's yours, upon my faith she's yours, - You have my hand; for other idle lets, - Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind - They're scattered, and no more. My wanton prentice, - That like a bladder blew himself with love, - I have let out, and sent him to discover - New masters yet unknown. - - _Hum._ I thank you, sir, - Indeed I thank you, sir; and ere I stir, - It shall be known, however you do deem, - I am of gentle blood, and gentle seem. - - _Merch._ Oh, sir, I know it certain. - - _Hum._ Sir, my friend, - Although, as writers say, all things have end, - And that we call a pudding, hath his two, - Oh let it not seem strange, I pray to you, - If in this bloody simile, I put - My love, more endless than frail things or gut. - -_Wife._ Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing, but tell me -truly. Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my husband. - -_Cit._ What is it, mouse? - -_Wife._ Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it behaves -itself, I warrant you: and speaks and looks, and perts up the head? I -pray you brother, with your favour, were you never one of Mr. Muncaster's -scholars? - -_Cit._ Chicken, I prithee heartily contain thyself, the childer are -pretty childer, but when Ralph comes, lamb! - -_Wife._ Ay, when Ralph comes, cony! Well, my youth, you may proceed. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope, - Assured of my consent; get but my daughter's, - And wed her when you please; you must be bold, - And clap in close unto her; come, I know - You've language good enough to win a wench. - -_Wife._ A toity tyrant, hath been an old stringer in his days, I warrant -him. - - _Hum._ I take your gentle offer, and withal - Yield love again for love reciprocal. - - _Mar._ What, Luce, within there? - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Called you, sir? - - _Merch._ I did; - Give entertainment to this gentleman; - And see you be not froward: to her, sir, [_Exit._ - My presence will but be an eyesore to you. - - _Hum._ Fair mistress Luce, how do you, are you well? - Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell, - How doth your little sister, and your brother, - And whether you love me or any other? - - _Luce._ Sir, these are quickly answered. - - _Hum._ So they are, - Where women are not cruel; but how far - Is it now distant from the place we are in, - Unto that blessed place, your father's warren. - - _Luce._ What makes you think of that, sir? - - _Hum._ E'en that face, - For stealing rabbits whilome in that place, - God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether, - Unto my cost and charges brought you thither, - And there began---- - - _Luce._ Your game, sir. - - _Hum._ Let no game, - Or anything that tendeth to the same, - Be evermore remembered, thou fair killer, - For whom I sate me down and brake my tiller. - -_Wife._ There's a kind gentleman, I warrant you. When will you do as much -for me, George? - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, I'm sorry for your losses, - But as the proverb says, I cannot cry; - I would you had not seen me. - - _Hum._ So would I, - Unless you had more maw to do me good. - - _Luce._ Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood? - Send for a constable, and raise the town. - - _Hum._ Oh no, my valiant love will batter down - Millions of constables, and put to flight - E'en that great watch of Midsummer Day at night. - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, 'twere good I yielded then, - Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men - Have no resistance. - - _Hum._ Yield then, I am full - Of pity, though I say it, and can pull - Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves. - Look, Luce, look, the dog's tooth, nor the doves - Are not so white as these; and sweet they be, - And whipt about with silk, as you may see. - If you desire the price, shoot from your eye - A beam to this place, and you shall espy - F. S., which is to say, my sweetest honey, - They cost me three-and-twopence, and no money. - - _Luce._ Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you; what - What would you more? - - _Hum._ Nothing. - - _Luce._ Why then, farewell. - - _Hum._ Nor so, nor so, for, lady, I must tell, - Before we part, for what we met together, - God grant me time, and patience, and fair weather. - - _Luce._ Speak and declare your mind in terms so brief. - - _Hum._ I shall; then first and foremost, for relief - I call to you, if that you can afford it, - I care not at what price, for on my word it - Shall be repaid again, although it cost me - More than I'll speak of now, for love hath tost me - In furious blanket like a tennis-ball, - And now I rise aloft, and now I fall. - - _Luce._ Alas, good gentleman, alas the day. - - _Hum._ I thank you heartily, and as I say, - Thus do I still continue without rest, - I' th' morning like a man, at night a beast, - Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet, - That much I fear, forsaking of my diet, - Will bring me presently to that quandary, - I shall bid all adieu. - - _Luce._ Now, by St. Mary - That were great pity. - - _Hum._ So it were, beshrew me, - Then ease me, lusty Luce, and pity shew me. - - _Luce._ Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth - Without my father's grant; get his consent, - And then you may with full assurance try me. - - _Hum._ The worshipful your sire will not deny me, - For I have ask'd him, and he hath replied, - Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride. - - _Luce._ Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content. - - _Hum._ And so am I, in truth. - - _Luce._ Yet take me with you. - There is another clause must be annext, - And this it is I swore, and will perform it, - No man shall ever joy me as his wife, - But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture, - I'm yours; you need not fear, my father loves you, - If not, farewell, for ever. - - _Hum._ Stay, nymph, stay, - I have a double gelding, coloured bay, - Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind, - Another for myself, though somewhat blind, - Yet true as trusty tree. - - _Luce._ I'm satisfied, - And so I give my hand; our course must lie - Through Waltham Forest, where I have a friend - Will entertain us; so farewell, Sir Humphrey, - And think upon your business. [_Exit_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Though I die, - I am resolv'd to venture life and limb, - For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim. [_Exit_ HUM. - -_Wife._ By my faith and troth, George, and as I am virtuous, it is e'en -the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather; well, go thy ways, -if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault i'faith. - -_Cit._ I prithee, mouse, be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make some -of 'em smoke for't. - -_Wife._ That's my good lamb, George; fie, this stinking tobacco kills me, -would there were none in England. Now I pray, gentlemen, what good does -this stinking tobacco do you? nothing; I warrant you make chimnies o' -your faces. Oh, husband, husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, _like a grocer in his shop, with two prentices, reading -"Palmerin of England."_ - -_Cit._ Peace, fool, let Ralph alone; hark you, Ralph, do not strain -yourself too much at the first. Peace, begin, Ralph. - -_Ralph. Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their lances from their -dwarfs, and clasping their helmets, galloped amain after the giant, and -Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, came posting amain, saying, "Stay, -traitorous thief, for thou mayst not so carry away her that is worth the -greatest lord in the world;" and, with these words, gave him a blow on -the shoulder, that he struck him beside his elephant; and Trineus coming -to the knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon beside his -horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the princess, getting -out of the throng, between joy and grief said, "All happy knight, the -mirror of all such as follow arms, now may I be well assured of the -love thou bearest me."_ I wonder why the kings do not raise an army of -fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as the army that the -Prince of Portigo brought against Rosicler, and destroy these giants; -they do much hurt to wandering damsels that go in quest of their knights. - -_Wife._ Faith, husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the King of -Portugal cannot sit at his meat but the giants and the ettins will come -and snatch it from him. - -_Cit._ Hold thy tongue; on, Ralph. - -_Ralph._ And certainly those knights are much to be commended who, -neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire and a dwarf through -the deserts to relieve poor ladies. - -_Wife._ Ay, by my faith are they, Ralph, let 'em say what they will, they -are indeed; our knights neglect their possessions well enough, but they -do not the rest. - -_Ralph._ There are no such courteous and fair well-spoken knights in this -age; they will call one the son of a sea-cook that Palmerin of England -would have called fair sir; and one that Rosicler would have called right -beautiful damsel they will call old witch. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have called me so an hundred -times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco. - -_Ralph._ But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his shop, -with a flapet of wood, and a blue apron before him, selling Methridatam -and Dragons' Water to visited houses, that might pursue feats of arms, -and through his noble achievements procure such a famous history to be -written of his heroic prowess? - -_Cit._ Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph. - -_Wife._ They go finely, by my troth. - -_Ralph._ Why should I not then pursue this course, both for the credit of -myself and our company? for amongst all the worthy books of achievements, -I do not call to mind that I yet read of a grocer errant: I will be the -said knight. Have you heard of any that hath wandered unfurnished of his -squire and dwarf? My elder prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and -little George my dwarf. Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance of my -former trade, upon my shield shall be portrayed a burning pestle, and I -will be called the Knight of the Burning Pestle. - -_Wife._ Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade, thou wert -ever meek. Ralph! Tim! - -_Tim._ Anon. - -_Ralph._ My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge you that from -henceforth you never call me by any other name but the Right courteous -and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle; and that you never call any -female by the name of a woman or wench, but fair lady, if she have her -desires; if not, distressed damsel; that you call all forests and heaths, -deserts; and all horses, palfreys. - -_Wife._ This is very fine: faith, do the gentlemen like Ralph, think you, -husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, I warrant thee, the players would give all the shoes in their -shop for him. - -_Ralph._ My beloved Squire Tim, stand out. Admit this were a desert, and -over it a knight errant pricking, and I should bid you inquire of his -intents, what would you say? - -_Tim._ Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding? - -_Ralph._ No, thus: Fair sir, the Right courteous and valiant Knight of -the Burning Pestle, commanded me to inquire upon what adventure you are -bound, whether to relieve some distressed damsel or otherwise. - -_Cit._ Dunder blockhead cannot remember. - -_Wife._ I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before; all the gentlemen heard -him; did he not, gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him on't? - -_George._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, here -is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of pepper. - -_Wife._ That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it; by my troth -it's a fine child. - -_Ralph._ Relieve her with all courteous language; now shut up shop: no -more my prentice, but my trusty squire and dwarf, I must bespeak my -shield, and arming pestle. - -_Cit._ Go thy ways, Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the best on 'em -all. - -_Wife._ Ralph! Ralph! - -_Ralph._ What say you, mistress? - -_Wife._ I prithee come again quickly, sweet Ralph. - - _Ralph._ By-and-by. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and his mother_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Mist. Mer._ Give thee my blessing? No, I'll never give thee my -blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'er be said I gave -thee my blessing. Thou art thy father's own son, of the blood of the -Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'er I knew thy father, he hath -spent all his own, and mine too, and when I tell him of it, he laughs and -dances and sings, and cries "A merry heart lives long-a." And thou art a -wast-thrift, and art run away from thy master, that lov'd thee well, and -art come to me, and I have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, -and thou thinkest to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to do it. -Come hither, Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, thou shalt have my -blessing. - -_Enter_ MICHAEL. - -_Mich._ I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me. - -_Mist. Mer._ God bless thee; but Jasper shall never have my blessing, he -shall be hang'd first, shall he not, Michael? how sayest thou? - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, and grace of God. - -_Mist. Mer._ That's a good boy. - -_Wife._ I'faith, it's a fine spoken child. - - _Jasp._ Mother, though you forget a parent's love, - I must preserve the duty of a child. - I ran not from my master, nor return - To have your stock maintain my idleness. - -_Wife._ Ungracious child I warrant him, hark how he chops logic with his -mother; thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell her she lies. - -_Cit._ If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and flea him, -and salt him, humpty halter-sack. - - _Jasp._ My coming only is to beg your love, - Which I must ever, though I never gain it; - And howsoever you esteem of me, - There is no drop of blood hid in these veins, - But I remember well belongs to you, - That brought me forth, and would be glad for you - To rip them all again, and let it out. - -_Mist. Mer._ I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee, God knows; but I'll -hamper thee well enough: get thee in, thou vagabond, get thee in, and -learn of thy brother Michael. - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Nose, nose, jolly red nose, - And who gave thee this jolly red nose?" - - _Mist. Mer._ Hark, my husband he's singing and hoiting, - And I'm fain to cark and care, and all little enough. - Husband, Charles, Charles Merry-thought! - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves, - And they gave me this jolly red nose." - -_Mist. Mer._ If you would consider your estate, you would have little -list to sing, I wis. - -_Old Mer._ It should never be considered, while it were an estate, if I -thought it would spoil my singing. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old man, and thou -canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou eatest -good meat, and drinkest good drink, and laughest? - -_Old Mer._ And will do. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou come by it, Charles? - -_Old Mer._ How? Why how have I done hitherto these forty years? I never -came into my dining-room, but at eleven and six o'clock I found excellent -meat and drink o' th' table. My clothes were never worn out, but next -morning a tailor brought me a new suit, and without question it will be -so ever! Use makes perfectness; if all should fail, it is but a little -straining myself extraordinary, and laugh myself to death. - -_Wife._ It's a foolish old man this: is not he, George? - -_Cit._ Yes, honey. - -_Wife._ Give me a penny i' th' purse while I live, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, by'r lady, honey hold thee there. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, Charles, you promised to provide for Jasper, and I -have laid up for Michael. I pray you pay Jasper his portion, he's come -home, and he shall not consume Michael's stock; he says his master turned -him away, but I promise you truly, I think he ran away. - -_Wife._ No indeed, Mistress Merry-thought, though he be a notable -gallows, yet I'll assure you his master did turn him away, even in this -place, 'twas i'faith within this half-hour, about his daughter; my -husband was by. - -_Cit._ Hang him, rogue, he served him well enough: love his master's -daughter! By my troth, honey, if there were a thousand boys, thou wouldst -spoil them all, with taking their parts; let his mother alone with him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but yet truth is truth. - -_Old Mer._ Where is Jasper? He's welcome, however, call him in, he shall -have his portion; is he merry? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper! Michael! - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Old Mer._ Welcome, Jasper, though thou runn'st away, welcome! God bless -thee! It is thy mother's mind thou should'st receive thy portion; thou -hast been abroad, and I hope hast learnt experience enough to govern it. -Thou art of sufficient years. Hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, -six, seven, eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee; thrust thyself -into the world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune -cross thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty -shillings left. Be a good husband, that is, wear ordinary clothes, eat -the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give to the poor, -and believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods. - - _Jasp._ Long may you live free from all thought of ill, - And long have cause to be thus merry still. - But, father? - -_Old Mer._ No more words, Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my blessing, -thy father's spirit upon thee. Farewell, Jasper. - - "But yet, or e'er you part (oh cruel), - Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting, - Mine own dear jewel." - - So, now begone, no words. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Mist. Mer._ So, Michael, now get thee gone too. - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, but I'll have my father's blessing first. - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou hast my -blessing. Begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels and follow thee: I'll -stay no longer with him I warrant thee. Truly, Charles, I'll be gone too. - -_Old Mer._ What? You will not. - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes indeed will I. - - _Old Mer._ "Heyho, farewell, Nan, - I'll never trust wench more again, if I can." - -_Mist. Mer._ You shall not think (when all your own is gone) to spend -that I have been scraping up for Michael. - -_Old Mer._ Farewell, good wife, I expect it not, all I have to do in this -world is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not taken from me; -and if it be, - - "When earth and seas from me are reft, - The skies aloft for me are left." [_Exeunt._ - [_Boy dances. Music._ - - _Finis Actus Primi._ - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn he's a merry old gentleman for all that. Hark, -hark, husband, hark, fiddles, fiddles; now surely they go finely. They -say 'tis present death for these fiddlers to tune their rebecks before -the great Turk's grace, is't not, George? But look, look, here's a youth -dances; now, good youth, do a turn o' the toe. Sweetheart, i'faith I'll -have Ralph come and do some of his gambols: he'll ride the wild mare, -gentlemen, 'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you, kind -youth, pray bid Ralph come. - -_Cit._ Peace, conie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players send Ralph, -or an' they do not I'll tear some of their periwigs beside their heads; -this is all riff-raff. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ HUMPHREY. - -_Merch._ And how faith? how goes it now, son Humphrey? - - _Hum._ Right worshipful and my beloved friend, - And father dear, this matter's at an end. - - _Merch._ 'Tis well, it should be so, I'm glad the girl - Is found so tractable. - - _Hum._ Nay, she must whirl - From hence (and you must wink: for so I say, - The story tells), to-morrow before day. - -_Wife._ George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be a -match? tell me but what thou thinkest, sweet rogue, thou seest the poor -gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I warrant you, to be at -rest: I'll go move the father for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I prithee sit still, honeysuckle, thou'lt spoil all; if -he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows myself, and in the -shutting of an evening knock it up, and there's an end. - -_Wife._ I'll buss thee for that i'faith, boy; well, George, well, you -have been a wag in your days I warrant you; but God forgive you, and I do -with all my heart. - -_Merch._ How was it, son? you told me that to-morrow before daybreak, you -must convey her hence. - - _Hum._ I must, I must, and thus it is agreed, - Your daughter rides upon a brown bay steed, - I on a sorrel, which I bought of Brian, - The honest host of the Red Roaring Lion, - In Waltham situate: then if you may, - Consent in seemly sort, lest by delay, - The fatal sisters come, and do the office, - And then you'll sing another song. - - _Merch._ Alas, - Why should you be thus full of grief to me, - That do as willing as yourself agree - To anything, so it be good and fair? - Then steal her when you will, if such a pleasure - Content you both, I'll sleep and never see it, - To make your joys more full: but tell me why - You may not here perform your marriage? - -_Wife._ God's blessing o' thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art loath to -part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm glad on't; well, go -thy ways, Humphrey, for a fair-spoken man. I believe thou hast not a -fellow within the walls of London; an' I should say the suburbs too, I -should not lie. Why dost not thou rejoice with me, George? - -_Cit._ If I could but see Ralph again, I were as merry as mine host -i'faith. - - _Hum._ The cause you seem to ask, I thus declare; - Help me, O Muses nine: your daughter sware - A foolish oath, the more it was the pity: - Yet no one but myself within this city - Shall dare to say so, but a bold defiance - Shall meet him, were he of the noble science. - And yet she sware, and yet why did she swear? - Truly I cannot tell, unless it were - For her own ease; for sure sometimes an oath, - Being sworn thereafter, is like cordial broth: - And this it was she swore, never to marry, - But such a one whose mighty arm could carry - (As meaning me, for I am such a one) - Her bodily away through stick and stone, - Till both of us arrive, at her request, - Some ten miles off in the wide Waltham Forest. - - _Merch._ If this be all, you shall not need to fear - Any denial in your love; proceed, - I'll neither follow nor repent the deed. - - _Hum._ Good night, twenty good nights, and twenty more, - And twenty more good nights: that makes threescore. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and her son_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, art thou not weary, boy? - -_Mich._ No, forsooth, mother, not I. - -_Mist. Mer._ Where be we now, child? - -_Mich._ Indeed forsooth, mother, I cannot tell, unless we be at Mile End. -Is not all the world Mile End, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, not all the world, boy; but I can assure thee, -Michael, Mile End is a goodly matter. There has been a pitched field, my -child, between the naughty Spaniels and the Englishmen; and the Spaniels -ran away, Michael, and the Englishmen followed. My neighbour Coxstone was -there, boy, and killed them all with a birding-piece. - -_Mich._ Mother, forsooth. - -_Mist. Mer._ What says my white boy? - -_Mich._ Shall not my father go with us too? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, let thy father go snick-up, he shall never come -between a pair of sheets with me again while he lives: let him stay at -home and sing for his supper, boy. Come, child, sit down, and I'll show -my boy fine knacks indeed; look here, Michael, here's a ring, and here's -a brooch, and here's a bracelet, and here's two rings more, and here's -money, and gold by th' eye, my boy. - -_Mich._ Shall I have all this, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, Michael, thou shalt have all, Michael. - -_Cit._ How lik'st thou this, wench? - -_Wife._ I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no more else -indeed la: and I pray you let the youths understand so much by word of -mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' my boy. Come, come, -George, let's be merry and wise, the child's a fatherless child, and say -they should put him into a strait pair of gaskins, 'twere worse than -knot-grass, he would never grow after it. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Here's Ralph, here's Ralph. - -_Wife._ How do you, Ralph? You are welcome, Ralph, as I may say, it's a -good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, we are thy friends, Ralph. -The gentlemen will praise thee, Ralph, if thou play'st thy part with -audacity; begin, Ralph a God's name. - -_Ralph._ My trusty squire, unlace my helm, give me my hat; where are we, -or what desert might this be? - -_Dwarf._ Mirror of knighthood, this is, as I take it, the perilous -Waltham down, in whose bottom stands the enchanted valley. - -_Mist. Mer._ Oh, Michael, we are betrayed, we are betrayed, here be -giants; fly, boy; fly, boy; fly! - - [_Exeunt_ MOTHER _and_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Lace on my helm again; what noise is this? - A gentle lady flying the embrace - Of some uncourteous knight: I will relieve her. - Go, squire, and say, the knight that wears this pestle - In honour of all ladies, swears revenge - Upon that recreant coward that pursues her; - Go, comfort her, and that same gentle squire - That bears her company. - - _Squire._ I go, brave knight. - - _Ralph._ My trusty dwarf and friend, reach me my shield, - And hold it while I swear, first by my knighthood, - Then by the soul of Amadis de Gaul, - My famous ancestor, then by my sword, - The beauteous Brionella girt about me, - By this bright burning pestle, of mine honour - The living trophy, and by all respect - Due to distressed damsels, here I vow - Never to end the quest of this fair lady, - And that forsaken squire, till by my valour - I gain their liberty. - - _Dwarf._ Heaven bless the knight - That thus relieves poor errant gentlewomen. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Ay marry, Ralph, this has some savour in it, I would see the -proudest of them all offer to carry his books after him. But, George, I -will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick if he go away, that I -shall; call Ralph again, George, call Ralph again: I prithee, sweetheart, -let him come fight before me, and let's have some drums and trumpets, and -let him kill all that comes near him, an' thou lov'st me, George. - -_Cit._ Peace a little, bird, he shall kill them all, an' they were twenty -more on 'em than there are. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Now, Fortune (if thou be'st not only ill), - Show me thy better face, and bring about - Thy desperate wheel, that I may climb at length - And stand; this is our place of meeting, - If love have any constancy. Oh age - Where only wealthy men are counted happy: - How shall I please thee? how deserve thy smiles, - When I am only rich in misery? - My father's blessing, and this little coin - Is my inheritance. A strong revenue! - From earth thou art, and unto earth I give thee. - There grow and multiply, whilst fresher air - Breeds me a fresher fortune. How, illusion! [_Spies the casket._ - What, hath the devil coined himself before me? - 'Tis metal good, it rings well, I am waking, - And taking too I hope; now God's dear blessing - Upon his heart that left it here, 'tis mine; - These pearls, I take it, were not left for swine. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ I do not like this unthrifty youth should embezzle away the -money; the poor gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy heart for it, -God knows. - -_Cit._ And reason good, sweetheart. - -_Wife._ But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall fetch him -again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above ground; and besides, -George, here be a number of sufficient gentlemen can witness, and myself, -and yourself, and the musicians, if we be called in question; but here -comes Ralph, George; thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ Comes not Sir Squire again? - - _Dwarf._ Right courteous knight, - Your squire doth come, and with him comes the lady - Fair, and the squire of damsels, as I take it. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, _and_ SQUIRE. - - _Ralph._ Madam, if any service or devoir - Of a poor errant knight may right your wrongs, - Command it. I am prest to give you succour, - For to that holy end I bear my armour. - -_Mist. Mer._ Alas, sir, I am a poor gentlewoman, and I have lost my money -in this forest. - - _Ralph._ Desert, you would say, lady, and not lost - Whilst I have sword and lance; dry up your tears, - Which ill befit the beauty of that face, - And tell the story, if I may request it, - Of your disastrous fortune. - -_Mist. Mer._ Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand pound, -e'en all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the sight of -your mastership. You looked so grim, and as I may say it, saving your -presence, more like a giant than a mortal man. - - _Ralph._ I am as you are, lady, so are they - All mortal; but why weeps this gentle squire? - -_Mist. Mer._ Has he not cause to weep do you think, when he has lost his -inheritance? - - _Ralph._ Young hope of valour, weep not, I am here - That will confound thy foe, and pay it dear - Upon his coward head, that dare deny - Distressed squires and ladies equity. - I have but one horse, upon which shall ride - This lady fair behind me, and before - This courteous squire, fortune will give us more - Upon our next adventure; fairly speed - Beside us squire and dwarf, to do us need. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Did not I tell you, Nell, what your man would do? by the faith of -my body, wench, for clean action and good delivery, they may all cast -their caps at him. - -_Wife._ And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the twelve -companies of London cannot match him, timber for timber. Well, George, -an' he be not inveigled by some of these paltry players, I ha' much -marvel; but, George, we ha' done our parts, if the boy have any grace to -be thankful. - -_Cit._ Yes, I warrant you, duckling. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Good Mistress Luce, however I in fault am - For your lame horse, you're welcome unto Waltham! - But which way now to go, or what to say - I know not truly, till it be broad day. - - _Luce._ O fear not, Master Humphrey, I am guide - For this place good enough. - - _Hum._ Then up and ride, - Or if it please you, walk for your repose, - Or sit, or if you will, go pluck a rose: - Either of which shall be indifferent - To your good friend and Humphrey, whose consent - Is so entangled ever to your will, - As the poor harmless horse is to the mill. - - _Luce._ Faith and you say the word, we'll e'en sit down, - And take a nap. - - _Hum._ 'Tis better in the town, - Where we may nap together; for believe me, - To sleep without a match would mickle grieve me. - - _Luce._ You're merry, Master Humphrey. - - _Hum._ So I am, - And have been ever merry from my dam. - - _Luce._ Your nurse had the less labour. - - _Hum._ Faith it may be, - Unless it were by chance I did bewray me. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Luce, dear friend Luce. - - _Luce._ Here, Jasper. - - _Jasp._ You are mine. - - _Hum._ If it be so, my friend, you use me fine: - What do you think I am? - - _Jasp._ An arrant noddy. - - _Hum._ A word of obloquy; now by my body, - I'll tell thy master, for I know thee well. - - _Jasp._ Nay, an' you be so forward for to tell, - Take that, and that, and tell him, sir, I gave it: [_Beats him._ - And say I paid you well. - - _Hum._ O, sir, I have it, - And do confess the payment, pray be quiet. - - _Jasp._ Go, get you to your night-cap and the diet, - To cure your beaten bones. - - _Luce._ Alas, poor Humphrey, - Get thee some wholesome broth with sage and cumfry: - A little oil of roses, and a feather - To 'noint thy back withal. - - _Hum._ When I came hither, - Would I had gone to Paris with John Dory. - - _Luce._ Farewell, my pretty numps, I'm very sorry - I cannot bear thee company. - - _Hum._ Farewell, - The devil's dam was ne'er so bang'd in hell. [_Exeunt._ - -_Manet_ HUMPHREY. - -_Wife._ This young Jasper will prove me another things, a my conscience, -and he may be suffered; George, dost not see, George, how a swaggers, and -flies at the very heads a folks as he were a dragon; well, if I do not -do his lesson for wronging the poor gentleman, I am no true woman; his -friends that brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, than -have taught him these fegaries: he's e'en in the highway to the gallows, -God bless him. - -_Cit._ You're too bitter, cony, the young man may do well enough for all -this. - -_Wife._ Come hither, Master Humphrey, has he hurt you? Now beshrew his -fingers for't; here, sweetheart, here's some green ginger for thee, now -beshrew my heart, but a has peppernel in's head, as big as a pullet's -egg; alas, sweet lamb, how thy temples beat; take the peace on him, -sweetheart, take the peace on him. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ No, no, you talk like a foolish woman; I'll ha' Ralph fight with -him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly. Sirrah boy, come hither, let -Ralph come in and fight with Jasper. - -_Wife._ Ay, and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy. - -_Boy._ Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our play lies contrary, and -'twill hazard the spoiling of our play. - -_Cit._ Plot me no plots, I'll ha' Ralph come out; I'll make your house -too hot for you else. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, he shall; but if anything fall out of order, the -gentlemen must pardon us. - -_Cit._ Go your ways, goodman boy, I'll hold him a penny he shall have his -belly full of fighting now. Ho, here comes Ralph; no more. - -_Enter_ RALPH, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ What knight is that, squire? Ask him if he keep - The passage bound by love of lady fair, - Or else but prickant. - - _Hum._ Sir, I am no knight, - But a poor gentleman, that this same night, - Had stolen from me, upon yonder green, - My lovely wife, and suffered (to be seen - Yet extant on my shoulders) such a greeting, - That whilst I live, I shall think of that meeting. - -_Wife._ Ay, Ralph, he beat him unmercifully, Ralph, an' thou spar'st him, -Ralph, I would thou wert hang'd. - -_Cit._ No more, wife, no more. - - _Ralph._ Where is the caitiff wretch hath done this deed? - Lady, your pardon, that I may proceed - Upon the quest of this injurious knight. - And thou, fair squire, repute me not the worse, - In leaving the great 'venture of the purse - And the rich casket, till some better leisure. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Here comes the broker hath purloined my treasure. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire, and tell him I am here, - An errant knight at arms, to crave delivery - Of that fair lady to her own knight's arms. - If he deny, bid him take choice of ground, - And so defy him. - - _Squire._ From the knight that bears - The golden pestle, I defy thee, knight, - Unless thou make fair restitution - Of that bright lady. - - _Jasp._ Tell the knight that sent thee - He is an ass, and I will keep the wench, - And knock his head-piece. - - _Ralph._ Knight, thou art but dead, - If thou recall not thy uncourteous terms. - -_Wife._ Break his pate, Ralph; break his pate, Ralph, soundly. - - _Jasp._ Come, knight, I'm ready for you, now your pestle - [_Snatches away his pestle._ - Shall try what temper, sir, your mortar's of; - With that he stood upright in his stirrups, - And gave the knight of the calves-skin such a knock, - That he forsook his horse, and down he fell, - And then he leaped upon him, and plucking off his helmet---- - - _Hum._ Nay, an' my noble knight be down so soon, - Though I can scarcely go, I needs must run---- - [_Exit_ HUMPHREY _and_ RALPH. - -_Wife._ Run, Ralph; run, Ralph; run for thy life, boy; Jasper comes, -Jasper comes! - - _Jasp._ Come, Luce, we must have other arms for you. - Humphrey and Golden Pestle, both adieu. [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Sure the devil, God bless us, is in this springald; why, George, -didst ever see such a fire-drake? I am afraid my boy's miscarried; if he -be, though he were Master Merry-thought's son a thousand times, if there -be any law in England, I'll make some of them smart for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I have found out the matter, sweetheart. Jasper is -enchanted as sure as we are here, he is enchanted; he could no more have -stood in Ralph's hands than I can stand in my Lord Mayor's; I'll have a -ring to discover all enchantments, and Ralph shall beat him yet. Be no -more vexed, for it shall be so. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, DWARF, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Wife._ Oh, husband, here's Ralph again; stay, Ralph, let me speak with -thee; how dost thou, Ralph? Art thou not shrewdly hurt? The foul great -lunges laid unmercifully on thee! There's some sugar-candy for thee; -proceed, thou shalt have another bout with him. - -_Cit._ If Ralph had him at the fencing-school, if he did not make a puppy -of him, and drive him up and down the school, he should ne'er come in my -shop more. - -_Mist. Mer._ Truly, Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, I am weary. - -_Mich._ Indeed la mother, and I'm very hungry. - - _Ralph._ Take comfort, gentle dame, and your fair squire. - For in this desert there must needs be placed - Many strong castles, held by courteous knights, - And till I bring you safe to one of those - I swear by this my order ne'er to leave you. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph: George, Ralph was ever comfortable, was he not? - -_Cit._ Yes, duck. - -_Wife._ I shall ne'er forget him. When we had lost our child, you know it -was strayed almost alone to Puddle Wharf, and the criers were abroad for -it, and there it had drowned itself but for a sculler, Ralph was the most -comfortablest to me: "Peace mistress," says he, "let it go, I'll get you -another as good." Did he not, George? Did he not say so? - -_Cit._ Yes indeed did he, mouse. - -_Dwarf._ I would we had a mess of pottage and a pot of drink, squire, and -were going to bed. - -_Squire._ Why, we are at Waltham town's end, and that's the Bell Inn. - - _Dwarf._ Take courage, valiant knight, damsel, and squire, - I have discovered, not a stone's cast off, - An ancient castle held by the old knight - Of the most holy order of the Bell, - Who gives to all knights errant entertain; - There plenty is of food, and all prepar'd - By the white hands of his own lady dear. - He hath three squires that welcome all his guests: - The first, high Chamberlino, who will see - Our beds prepared, and bring us snowy sheets; - The second hight Tapstero, who will see - Our pots full filled, and no froth therein; - The third, a gentle squire Ostlero hight, - Who will our palfries slick with wisps of straw, - And in the manger put them oats enough, - And never grease their teeth with candle-snuff. - -_Wife._ That same dwarf's a pretty boy, but the squire's a grout-nold. - -_Ralph._ Knock at the gates, my squire, with stately lance. - -_Enter_ TAPSTER. - -_Tap._ Who's there, you're welcome, gentlemen; will you see a room? - -_Dwarf._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, this -is the squire Tapstero. - - _Ralph._ Fair squire Tapstero, I a wandering knight, - Hight of the Burning Pestle, in the quest - Of this fair lady's casket and wrought purse, - Losing myself in this vast wilderness, - Am to this castle well by fortune brought, - Where hearing of the goodly entertain - Your knight of holy order of the Bell, - Gives to all damsels, and all errant knights, - I thought to knock, and now am bold to enter. - - _Tapst._ An't please you see a chamber, you are very welcome. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, I would have something done, and I cannot tell what it is. - -_Cit._ What is it, Nell? - -_Wife._ Why, George, shall Ralph beat nobody again? Prithee, sweetheart, -let him. - -_Cit._ So he shall, Nell, and if I join with him, we'll knock them all. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ MERCHANT. - -_Wife._ O George, here's Master Humphrey again now, that lost Mistress -Luce, and Mistress Luce's father. Master Humphrey will do somebody's -errand I warrant him. - - _Hum._ Father, it's true in arms I ne'er shall clasp her, - For she is stol'n away by your man Jasper. - - _Wife._ I thought he would tell him. - - _Mer._ Unhappy that I am to lose my child: - Now I begin to think on Jasper's words, - Who oft hath urg'd to me thy foolishness; - Why didst thou let her go? thou lov'st her not, - That wouldst bring home thy life, and not bring her. - - _Hum._ Father, forgive me, I shall tell you true, - Look on my shoulders, they are black and blue, - Whilst to and fro fair Luce and I were winding, - He came and basted me with a hedge binding. - - _Mer._ Get men and horses straight, we will be there - Within this hour; you know the place again? - - _Hum._ I know the place where he my loins did swaddle, - I'll get six horses, and to each a saddle. - - _Mer._ Mean time I will go talk with Jasper's father. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, what wilt thou lay with me now, that Master Humphrey has -not Mistress Luce yet; speak, George, what wilt thou lay with me? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, I warrant thee, Jasper is at Puckeridge with her by this. - -_Wife._ Nay, George, you must consider Mistress Luce's feet are tender, -and besides, 'tis dark, and I promise you truly, I do not see how he -should get out of Waltham Forest with her yet. - -_Cit._ Nay, honey, what wilt thou lay with me that Ralph has her not yet? - -_Wife._ I will not lay against Ralph, honny, because I have not spoken -with him: but look, George, peace, here comes the merry old gentleman -again. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "When it was grown to dark midnight, - And all were fast asleep, - In came Margaret's grimly ghost, - And stood at William's feet." - -I have money, and meat, and drink beforehand, till to-morrow at noon, -why should I be sad? Methinks I have half a dozen jovial spirits within -me, "I am three merry men, and three merry men." To what end should any -man be sad in this world? Give me a man that when he goes to hanging -cries "Troul the black bowl to me;" and a woman that will sing a catch -in her travail. I have seen a man come by my door with a serious face, -in a black cloak, without a hatband, carrying his head as if he look'd -for pins in the street. I have look'd out of my window half a year after, -and have spied that man's head upon London Bridge. 'Tis vile! Never trust -a tailor that does not sing at his work, his mind is of nothing but -filching. - -_Wife._ Mark this, George, 'tis worth noting: Godfrey, my tailor, you -know, never sings, and he had fourteen yards to make this gown: and I'll -be sworn, Mistress Penistone, the draper's wife, had one made with twelve. - - _Old Mer._ "'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood, - More than wine, or sleep, or food, - Let each man keep his heart at ease, - No man dies of that disease! - He that would his body keep - From diseases, must not weep, - But whoever laughs and sings, - Never he his body brings - Into fevers, gouts, or rhumes, - Or lingringly his lungs consumes; - Or meets with aches in the bone, - Or catarrhs, or griping stone: - But contented lives by aye, - The more he laughs, the more he may." - -_Wife._ Look, George. How say'st thou by this, George? Is't not a fine -old man? Now God's blessing a thy sweet lips. When wilt thou be so merry, -George? Faith, thou art the frowningst little thing, when thou art angry, -in a country. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Cit._ Peace, coney; thou shalt see him took down too, I warrant thee. -Here's Luce's father come now. - - _Old Mer._ "As you came from Walsingham, - From the Holy Land, - There met you not with my true love - By the way as you came?" - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought! my daughter's gone! - This mirth becomes you not, my daughter's gone! - - _Old Mer._ "Why an' if she be, what care I? - Or let her come, or go, or tarry." - - _Merch._ Mock not my misery, it is your son - (Whom I have made my own, when all forsook him), - Has stol'n my only joy, my child, away. - - _Old Mer._ "He set her on a milk-white steed, - And himself upon a gray, - He never turned his face again, - But he bore her quite away." - - _Merch._ Unworthy of the kindness I have shown - To thee and thine; too late, I well perceive - Thou art consenting to my daughter's loss. - -_Old Mer._ Your daughter? what a stir's here wi' y'r daughter? Let her -go, think no more on her, but sing loud. If both my sons were on the -gallows I would sing, - - "Down, down, down: they fall - Down, and arise they never shall." - - _Merch._ Oh, might but I behold her once again, - And she once more embrace her aged sire. - - _Old Mer._ Fie, how scurvily this goes: - "And she once more embrace her aged sire?" - You'll make a dog on her, will ye; she cares much for her aged - sire, I warrant you. - "She cares not for her daddy, nor - She cares not for her mammy, - For she is, she is, she is my - Lord of Low-gaves lassie." - - _Merch._ For this thy scorn I will pursue - That son of thine to death. - - _Old Merch._ Do, and when you ha' killed him, - "Give him flowers enow, Palmer, give him flowers enow, - Give him red and white, blue, green, and yellow." - -_Merch._ I'll fetch my daughter. - -_Old Mer._ I'll hear no more o' your daughter, it spoils my mirth. - -_Merch._ I say I'll fetch my daughter. - - _Old Mer._ "Was never man for lady's sake, down, down, - Tormented as I, Sir Guy? de derry down, - For Lucy's sake, that lady bright, down, down, - As ever man beheld with eye? de derry down." - - _Merch._ I'll be revenged, by heaven! [_Exeunt._ - - _Finis Actus Secundi._ [_Music._ - -_Wife._ How dost thou like this, George? - -_Cit._ Why this is well, dovey; but if Ralph were hot once, thou shouldst -see more. - -_Wife._ The fiddlers go again, husband. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, but this is scurvy music; I gave the young gallows -money, and I think he has not got me the waits of Southwark. If I hear -'em not anon, I'll twing him by the ears. You musicians, play Baloo. - -_Wife._ No, good George, let's have Lachrymae. - -_Cit._ Why this is it, bird. - -_Wife._ Is't? All the better, George; now, sweet lamb, what story is that -painted upon the cloth? the Confutation of Saint Paul? - -_Cit._ No, lamb, that's Ralph and Lucrece. - -_Wife._ Ralph and Lucrece? Which Ralph? our Ralph? - -_Cit._ No, mouse, that was a Tartarian. - -_Wife._ A Tartarian? well, I would the fiddlers had done, that we might -see our Ralph again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Jasp._ Come, my dear dear, though we have lost our way - We have not lost ourselves. Are you not weary - With this night's wand'ring, broken from your rest? - And frighted with the terror that attends - The darkness of this wild unpeopled place? - - _Luce._ No, my best friend, I cannot either fear - Or entertain a weary thought, whilst you - (The end of all my full desires) stand by me. - Let them that lose their hopes, and live to languish - Amongst the number of forsaken lovers, - Tell the long weary steps and number Time, - Start at a shadow, and shrink up their blood, - Whilst I (possessed with all content and quiet) - Thus take my pretty love, and thus embrace him. - - _Jasp._ You've caught me, Luce, so fast, that whilst I live - I shall become your faithful prisoner, - And wear these chains for ever. Come, sit down, - And rest your body, too too delicate - For these disturbances; so, will you sleep? - Come, do not be more able than you are, - I know you are not skilful in these watches, - For women are no soldiers; be not nice, - But take it, sleep, I say. - - _Luce._ I cannot sleep, - Indeed I cannot, friend. - - _Jasp._ Why then we'll sing, - And try how that will work upon our senses. - - _Luce._ I'll sing, or say, or anything but sleep. - - _Jasp._ Come, little mermaid, rob me of my heart - With that enchanting voice. - - _Luce._ You mock me, Jasper. - - SONG. - - _Jasp._ Tell me, dearest, what is love? - - _Luce._ 'Tis a lightning from above, - 'Tis an arrow, 'tis a fire, - 'Tis a boy they call Desire. - 'Tis a smile - Doth beguile - - _Jasp._ The poor hearts of men that prove. - Tell me more, are women true? - - _Luce._ Some love change, and so do you. - - _Jasp._ Are they fair, and never kind? - - _Luce._ Yes, when men turn with the wind. - - _Jasp._ Are they froward? - - _Luce._ Ever toward - Those that love, to love anew. - - _Jasp._ Dissemble it no more, I see the god - Of heavy sleep, lays on his heavy mace - Upon your eyelids. - - _Luce._ I am very heavy. - - _Jasp._ Sleep, sleep, and quiet rest crown thy sweet thoughts: - Keep from her fair blood all distempers, startings, - Horrors and fearful shapes: let all her dreams - Be joys and chaste delights, embraces, wishes, - And such new pleasures as the ravish'd soul - Gives to the senses. So, my charms have took. - Keep her, ye Powers Divine, whilst I contemplate - Upon the wealth and beauty of her mind. - She's only fair, and constant, only kind, - And only to thee, Jasper. O my joys! - Whither will you transport me? let not fulness - Of my poor buried hopes come up together, - And over-charge my spirits; I am weak. - Some say (however ill) the sea and women - Are govern'd by the moon, both ebb and flow, - Both full of changes: yet to them that know, - And truly judge, these but opinions are, - And heresies to bring on pleasing war - Between our tempers, that without these were - Both void of after-love, and present fear; - Which are the best of Cupid. O thou child! - Bred from despair, I dare not entertain thee, - Having a love without the faults of women, - And greater in her perfect goods than men; - Which to make good, and please myself the stronger, - Though certainly I'm certain of her love, - I'll try her, that the world and memory - May sing to after-times her constancy. - Luce, Luce, awake! - - _Luce._ Why do you fright me, friend, - With those distempered looks? what makes your sword - Drawn in your hand? who hath offended you? - I prithee, Jasper, sleep, thou'rt wild with watching. - - _Jasp._ Come, make your way to Heav'n, and bid the world, - With all the villanies that stick upon it, - Farewell; you're for another life. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper, - How have my tender years committed evil, - Especially against the man I love, - Thus to be cropt untimely? - - _Jasp._ Foolish girl, - Canst thou imagine I could love his daughter - That flung me from my fortune into nothing? - Discharged me his service, shut the doors - Upon my poverty, and scorn'd my prayers, - Sending me, like a boat without a mast, - To sink or swim? Come, by this hand you die, - I must have life and blood, to satisfy - Your father's wrongs. - -_Wife._ Away, George, away, raise the watch at Ludgate, and bring a -mittimus from the justice for this desperate villain. Now, I charge you, -gentlemen, see the King's peace kept. O my heart, what a varlet's this, -to offer manslaughter upon the harmless gentlewoman? - -_Cit._ I warrant thee, sweetheart, we'll have him hampered. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper! be not cruel, - If thou wilt kill me, smile, and do it quickly, - And let not many deaths appear before me. - I am a woman made of fear and love, - A weak, weak woman, kill not with thy eyes, - They shoot me through and through. Strike, I am ready, - And dying, still I love thee. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, _and his_ MEN. - - _Merch._ Where abouts? - - _Jasp._ No more of this, now to myself again. - - _Hum._ There, there he stands with sword, like martial knight, - Drawn in his hand, therefore beware the fight - You that are wise; for were I good Sir Bevis, - I would not stay his coming, by your leaves. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, restore my daughter. - - _Jasp._ Sirrah, no. - - _Merch._ Upon him then. - - _Wife._ So, down with him, down with him, down with him! - Cut him i'the leg, boys, cut him i'the leg! - -_Merch._ Come your ways, minion, I'll provide a cage for you, you're -grown so tame. Horse her away. - - _Hum._ Truly I am glad your forces have the day. [_Exeunt._ - - _Manet_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ They're gone, and I am hurt; my love is lost, - Never to get again. Oh, me unhappy! - Bleed, bleed and die----I cannot; oh, my folly! - Thou hast betrayed me; hope, where art thou fled? - Tell me, if thou be'st anywhere remaining. - Shall I but see my love again? Oh, no! - She will not deign to look upon her butcher, - Nor is it fit she should; yet I must venture. - Oh chance, or fortune, or whate'er thou art - That men adore for powerful, hear my cry, - And let me loving live, or losing die. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Is he gone, George? - -_Cit._ Ay, coney. - -_Wife._ Marry, and let him go, sweetheart, by the faith a my body, a -has put me into such a fright, that I tremble (as they say) as 'twere -an aspin leaf. Look a my little finger, George, how it shakes: now, in -truth, every member of my body is the worse for't. - -_Cit._ Come, hug in mine arms, sweet mouse, he shall not fright thee any -more; alas, mine own dear heart, how it quivers. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, RALPH, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, DWARF, HOST, _and -a_ TAPSTER. - -_Wife._ O Ralph, how dost thou, Ralph? How hast thou slept to-night? Has -the knight used thee well? - - _Cit._ Peace, Nell, let Ralph alone. - - _Tap._ Master, the reckoning is not paid. - - _Ralph._ Right courteous Knight, who for the orders' sake - Which thou hast ta'en, hang'st out the holy Bell, - As I this flaming pestle bear about, - We render thanks to your puissant self, - Your beauteous lady, and your gentle squires, - For thus refreshing of our wearied limbs, - Stiffened with hard achievements in wild desert. - - _Tap._ Sir, there is twelve shillings to pay. - - _Ralph._ Thou merry squire Tapstero, thanks to thee - For comforting our souls with double jug, - And if adventurous fortune prick thee forth, - Thou jovial squire, to follow feats of arms, - Take heed thou tender ev'ry lady's cause, - Ev'ry true knight, and ev'ry damsel fair, - But spill the blood of treacherous Saracens, - And false enchanters, that with magic spells - Have done to death full many a noble knight. - -_Host._ Thou valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, give ear to me: there -is twelve shillings to pay, and as I am a true knight, I will not bate a -penny. - -_Wife._ George, I prithee tell me, must Ralph pay twelve shillings now? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, no, nothing; but the old knight is merry with Ralph. - -_Wife._ O, is't nothing else? Ralph will be as merry as he. - - _Ralph._ Sir Knight, this mirth of yours becomes you well, - But to requite this liberal courtesy, - If any of your squires will follow arms, - He shall receive from my heroic hand - A knighthood, by the virtue of this pestle. - -_Host._ Fair knight, I thank you for your noble offer; therefore, gentle -knight, twelve shillings you must pay, or I must cap you. - -_Wife._ Look, George, did not I tell thee as much? The knight of the Bell -is in earnest. Ralph shall not be beholding to him; give him his money, -George, and let him go snick-up. - -_Cit._ Cap Ralph? No; hold your hand, Sir Knight of the Bell, there's -your money. Have you anything to say to Ralph now? Cap Ralph? - -_Wife._ I would you should know it, Ralph has friends that will not -suffer him to be capt for ten times so much, and ten times to the end of -that. Now take thy course, Ralph. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, thou and I will go home to thy father, he -hath enough left to keep us a day or two, and we'll set fellows abroad to -cry our purse and casket. Shall we, Michael? - -_Mich._ Ay, I pray mother, in truth my feet are full of chilblains with -travelling. - -_Wife._ Faith and those chilblains are a foul trouble. Mistress -Merry-thought, when your youth comes home let him rub all the soles of -his feet and his heels and his ankles with a mouse-skin; or if none of -you can catch a mouse, when he goes to bed let him roll his feet in the -warm embers, and I warrant you he shall be well, and you may make him put -his fingers between his toes and smell to them, it's very sovereign for -his head if he be costive. - -_Mist. Mer._ Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, my son Michael and I -bid you farewell; I thank your worship heartily for your kindness. - - _Ralph._ Farewell, fair lady, and your tender squire. - If pricking through these deserts, I do hear - Of any trait'rous knight, who, through his guile - Hath light upon your casket and your purse, - I will despoil him of them and restore them. - - _Mist. Mer._ I thank your worship. [_Exit with_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Dwarf, bear my shield; squire, elevate my lance, - And now farewell, you knight of holy Bell. - - _Cit._ Ay, ay, Ralph, all is paid. - - _Ralph._ But yet before I go, speak, worthy knight, - If aught you do of sad adventures know, - Where errant knight may through his prowess win - Eternal fame, and free some gentle souls - From endless bonds of steel and lingring pain. - -_Host._ Sirrah, go to Nick the Barber, and bid him prepare himself, as I -told you before, quickly. - - _Tap._ I am gone, sir. [_Exit_ TAPSTER. - - _Host._ Sir Knight, this wilderness affordeth none - But the great venture, where full many a knight - Hath tried his prowess, and come off with shame, - And where I would not have you lose your life, - Against no man, but furious fiend of hell. - - _Ralph._ Speak on, Sir Knight, tell what he is, and where: - For here I vow upon my blazing badge, - Never to lose a day in quietness; - But bread and water will I only eat, - And the green herb and rock shall be my couch, - Till I have quell'd that man, or beast, or fiend, - That works such damage to all errant knights. - - _Host._ Not far from hence, near to a craggy cliff - At the north end of this distressed town, - There doth stand a lowly house - Ruggedly builded, and in it a cave, - In which an ugly giant now doth dwell, - Ycleped Barbaroso: in his hand - He shakes a naked lance of purest steel, - With sleeves turned up, and he before him wears - A motley garment, to preserve his clothes - From blood of those knights which he massacres, - And ladies gent: without his door doth hang - A copper bason, on a prickant spear; - At which, no sooner gentle knights can knock, - But the shrill sound fierce Barbaroso hears, - And rushing forth, brings in the errant knight, - And sets him down in an enchanted chair: - Then with an engine, which he hath prepar'd - With forty teeth, he claws his courtly crown, - Next makes him wink, and underneath his chin - He plants a brazen piece of mighty bore, - And knocks his bullets round about his cheeks, - Whilst with his fingers, and an instrument - With which he snaps his hair off, he doth fill - The wretch's ears with a most hideous noise. - Thus every knight adventurer he doth trim, - And now no creature dares encounter him. - - _Ralph._ In God's name, I will fight with him, kind sir. - Go but before me to this dismal cave - Where this huge giant Barbaroso dwells, - And by that virtue that brave Rosiclere, - That wicked brood of ugly giants slew, - And Palmerin Frannarco overthrew: - I doubt not but to curb this traitor foul, - And to the devil send his guilty soul. - - _Host._ Brave sprighted knight, thus far I will perform - This your request, I'll bring you within sight - Of this most loathsome place, inhabited - By a more loathsome man: but dare not stay, - For his main force swoops all he sees away. - - _Ralph._ Saint George! set on, before march squire and page. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, dost think Ralph will confound the giant? - -_Cit._ I hold my cap to a farthing he does. Why, Nell, I saw him wrestle -with the great Dutchman, and hurl him. - -_Wife._ Faith and that Dutchman was a goodly man, if all things were -answerable to his bigness. And yet they say there was a Scottishman -higher than he, and that they two on a night met, and saw one another for -nothing. - -_Cit._ Nay, by your leave, Nell, Ninivie was better. - -_Wife._ Ninivie, O that was the story of Joan and the Wall, was it not, -George? - -_Cit._ Yes, lamb. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Look, George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought again, and I -would have Ralph come and fight with the giant. I tell you true, I long -to see't. - -_Cit._ Good Mistress Merry-thought, be gone, I pray you for my sake; I -pray you forbear a little, you shall have audience presently: I have a -little business. - -_Wife._ Mistress Merry-thought, if it please you to refrain your passion -a little, till Ralph have dispatched the giant out of the way, we shall -think ourselves much bound to thank you. I thank you, good Mistress -Merry-thought. - - [_Exit_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ Boy, come hither, send away Ralph and this master giant quickly. - -_Boy._ In good faith, sir, we cannot; you'll utterly spoil our play, and -make it to be hissed, and it cost money; you will not suffer us to go on -with our plots. I pray, gentlemen, rule him. - -_Cit._ Let him come now and dispatch this, and I'll trouble you no more. - -_Boy._ Will you give me your hand of that? - -_Wife._ Give him thy hand, George, do, and I'll kiss him; I warrant thee -the youth means plainly. - - _Boy._ I'll send him to you presently. [_Exit_ BOY. - -_Wife._ I thank you, little youth; faith the child hath a sweet breath. -George, but I think it be troubled with the worms; Carduus Benedictus and -mare's milk were the only thing in the world for it. Oh, Ralph's here, -George! God send thee good luck, Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, HOST, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Host._ Puissant knight, yonder his mansion is, - Lo, where the spear and copper bason are, - Behold the string on which hangs many a tooth, - Drawn from the gentle jaw of wandering knights; - I dare not stay to sound, he will appear. [_Exit_ HOST. - - _Ralph._ O faint not, heart: Susan, my lady dear, - The cobbler's maid in Milk Street, for whose sake - I take these arms, O let the thought of thee - Carry thy knight through all adventurous deed, - And in the honour of thy beauteous self, - May I destroy this monster Barbaroso. - Knock, squire, upon the bason till it break - With the shrill strokes, or till the giant speak. - -_Enter_ BARBAROSO. - -_Wife._ O George, the giant, the giant! Now, Ralph, for thy life! - - _Bar._ What fond unknowing wight is this, that dares - So rudely knock at Barbaroso's cell, - Where no man comes, but leaves his fleece behind? - - _Ralph._ I, traitorous caitiff, who am sent by fate - To punish all the sad enormities - Thou hast committed against ladies gent, - And errant knights, traitor to God and men. - Prepare thyself, this is the dismal hour - Appointed for thee to give strict account - Of all thy beastly treacherous villanies. - - _Bar._ Foolhardy knight, full soon thou shalt aby - This fond reproach, thy body will I bang, - [_He takes down his pole._ - And lo, upon that string thy teeth shall hang; - Prepare thyself, for dead soon shalt thou be. - - _Ralph._ Saint George for me! [_They fight._ - -_Bar._ Gargantua for me! - -_Wife._ To him, Ralph, to him: hold up the giant, set out thy leg before, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Falsify a blow, Ralph, falsify a blow; the giant lies open on the -left side. - -_Wife._ Bear't off, bear't off still; there, boy. Oh, Ralph's almost -down, Ralph's almost down! - -_Ralph._ Susan, inspire me, now have up again. - -_Wife._ Up, up, up, up, up, so, Ralph; down with him, down with him, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Fetch him over the hip, boy. - -_Wife._ There, boy; kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, Ralph! - -_Cit._ No, Ralph, get all out of him first. - - _Ralph._ Presumptuous man, see to what desperate end - Thy treachery hath brought thee; the just gods, - Who never prosper those that do despise them, - For all the villanies which thou hast done - To knights and ladies, now have paid thee home - By my stiff arm, a knight adventurous. - But say, vile wretch, before I send thy soul - To sad Avernus, whither it must go, - What captives hold'st thou in thy sable cave? - - _Bar._ Go in and free them all, thou hast the day. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire and dwarf, search in this dreadful cave, - And free the wretched prisoners from their bonds. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Bar._ I crave for mercy as thou art a knight, - And scorn'st to spill the blood of those that beg. - - _Ralph._ Thou showest no mercy, nor shalt thou have any; - Prepare thyself, for thou shalt surely die. - -_Enter_ SQUIRE, _leading one winking, with a bason under his chin_. - - _Squire._ Behold, brave knight, here is one prisoner, - Whom this wild man hath used as you see. - - _Wife._ This is the wisest word I hear the squire speak. - - _Ralph._ Speak what thou art, and how thou hast been us'd, - That I may give him condign punishment. - - _1st Knight._ I am a knight that took my journey post - Northward from London, and in courteous wise, - This giant train'd me to his loathsome den, - Under pretence of killing of the itch, - And all my body with a powder strew'd, - That smarts and stings; and cut away my beard, - And my curl'd locks wherein were ribands ty'd, - And with a water washt my tender eyes - (Whilst up and down about me still he skipt), - Whose virtue is, that till my eyes be wip'd - With a dry cloth, for this my foul disgrace, - I shall not dare to look a dog i' th' face. - -_Wife._ Alas, poor knight. Relieve him, Ralph; relieve poor knights -whilst you live. - - _Ralph._ My trusty squire, convey him to the town, - Where he may find relief; adieu, fair knight. - [_Exit_ KNIGHT. - -_Enter_ DWARF, _leading one with a patch over his nose_. - - _Dwarf._ Puissant Knight of the Burning Pestle hight, - See here another wretch, whom this foul beast - Hath scotch'd and scor'd in this inhuman wise. - - _Ralph._ Speak me thy name, and eke thy place of birth, - And what hath been thy usage in this cave. - - _2nd Knight._ I am a knight, Sir Partle is my name, - And by my birth I am a Londoner, - Free by my copy, but my ancestors - Were Frenchmen all; and riding hard this way, - Upon a trotting horse, my bones did ache, - And I, faint knight, to ease my weary limbs, - Light at this cave, when straight this furious fiend, - With sharpest instrument of purest steel, - Did cut the gristle of my nose away, - And in the place this velvet plaster stands. - Relieve me, gentle knight, out of his hands. - -_Wife._ Good Ralph, relieve Sir Partle, and send him away, for in truth -his breath stinks. - -_Ralph._ Convey him straight after the other knight. Sir Partle, fare you -well. - - _3rd Knight._ Kind sir, good night. [_Exit._ - [_Cries within._ - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - -_Wife._ Hark, George, what a woful cry there is. I think some one is ill -there. - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - - _Ralph._ What ghastly noise is this? Speak, Barbaroso, - Or by this blazing steel thy head goes off. - - _Bar._ Prisoners of mine, whom I in diet keep. - Send lower down into the cave, - And in a tub that's heated smoking hot, - There may they find them, and deliver them. - - - _Ralph._ Run, squire and dwarf, deliver them with speed. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Wife._ But will not Ralph kill this giant? Surely I am afraid if he let -him go he will do as much hurt as ever he did. - -_Cit._ Not so, mouse, neither, if he could convert him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, if he could convert him; but a giant is not so soon -converted as one of us ordinary people. There's a pretty tale of a witch, -that had the devil's mark about her, God bless us, that had a giant to -her son, that was call'd Lob-lie-by-the-fire. Didst never hear it, George? - -_Enter_ SQUIRE _leading a man with a glass of lotion in his hand, and -the_ DWARF _leading a woman, with diet bread and drink_. - -_Cit._ Peace, Nell, here come the prisoners. - - _Dwarf._ Here be these pined wretches, manful knight, - That for these six weeks have not seen a wight. - - _Ralph._ Deliver what you are, and how you came - To this sad cave, and what your usage was? - - _Man._ I am an errant knight that followed arms, - With spear and shield, and in my tender years - I strucken was with Cupid's fiery shaft, - And fell in love with this my lady dear, - And stole her from her friends in Turnball Street, - And bore her up and down from town to town, - Where we did eat and drink, and music hear; - Till at the length at this unhappy town - We did arrive, and coming to this cave, - This beast us caught, and put us in a tub, - Where we this two months sweat, and should have done - Another month if you had not relieved us. - - _Wom._ This bread and water hath our diet been, - Together with a rib cut from a neck - Of burned mutton; hard hath been our fare. - Release us from this ugly giant's snare. - - _Man._ This hath been all the food we have receiv'd; - But only twice a day, for novelty, - He gave a spoonful of this hearty broth - [_Pulls out a syringe._ - To each of us, through this same slender quill. - - _Ralph._ From this infernal monster you shall go, - That useth knights and gentle ladies so. - Convey them hence. [_Exeunt Man and Woman._ - -_Cit._ Mouse, I can tell thee, the gentlemen like Ralph. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, I see it well enough. Gentlemen, I thank you all -heartily for gracing my man Ralph, and I promise you, you shall see him -oftener. - - _Bar._ Mercy, great knight, I do recant my ill, - And henceforth never gentle blood will spill. - - _Ralph._ I give thee mercy, but yet thou shalt swear - Upon my burning pestle to perform - Thy promise utter'd. - - _Bar._ I swear and kiss. - - _Ralph._ Depart then, and amend. - Come, squire and dwarf, the sun grows towards his set, - And we have many more adventures yet. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Now Ralph is in this humour, I know he would ha' beaten all the -boys in the house, if they had been set on him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but it is well as it is. I warrant you the gentlemen -do consider what it is to overthrow a giant. But look, George, here -comes Mistress Merry-thought, and her son Michael. Now you are welcome, -Mistress Merry-thought; now Ralph has done, you may go on. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Mick, my boy. - -_Mick._ Ay forsooth, mother. - -_Mist. Mer._ Be merry, Mick, we are at home now, where I warrant you, you -shall find the house flung out of the windows. Hark! hey dogs, hey, this -is the old world i'faith with my husband. I'll get in among them, I'll -play them such lesson, that they shall have little list to come scraping -hither again. Why, Master Merry-thought, husband, Charles Merry-thought! - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "If you will sing and dance and laugh, - And holloa, and laugh again; - And then cry, there boys, there; why then, - One, two, three, and four, - We shall be merry within this hour." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Charles, do you not know your own natural wife? I -say, open the door, and turn me out those mangy companions; 'tis more -than time that they were fellow like with you. You are a gentleman, -Charles, and an old man, and father of two children; and I myself, though -I say it, by my mother's side, niece to a worshipful gentleman, and a -conductor; he has been three times in his Majesty's service at Chester, -and is now the fourth time, God bless him, and his charge upon his -journey. - - _Old Mer._ "Go from my window, love, go; - Go from my window, my dear, - The wind and the rain will drive you back again, - You cannot be lodged here." - -Hark you, Mistress Merry-thought, you that walk upon adventures, and -forsake your husband because he sings with never a penny in his purse; -what, shall I think myself the worse? Faith no, I'll be merry. You come -not here, here's none but lads of mettle, lives of a hundred years and -upwards; care never drunk their bloods, nor want made them warble, - - "Heigh-ho, my heart is heavy." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, what am I that you should laugh -me to scorn thus abruptly? Am I not your fellow-feeler, as we may say, -in all our miseries? your comforter in health and sickness? Have I not -brought you children? Are they not like you, Charles? Look upon thine own -image, hard-hearted man; and yet for all this---- - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Begone, begone, my juggy, my puggy, - Begone, my love, my dear; - The weather is warm, - 'Twill do thee no harm, - Thou canst not be lodged here." - -Be merry, boys, some light music, and more wine. - -_Wife._ He's not in earnest, I hope, George, is he? - -_Cit._ What if he be, sweetheart? - -_Wife._ Marry if he be, George, I'll make bold to tell him he's an -ingrant old man to use his wife so scurvily. - -_Cit._ What, how does he use her, honey? - -_Wife._ Marry come up, Sir Sauce-box; I think you'll take his part, will -you not? Lord, how hot are you grown; you are a fine man, an' you had a -fine dog, it becomes you sweetly. - -_Cit._ Nay, prithee Nell, chide not; for as I am an honest man, and a -true Christian grocer, I do not like his doings. - -_Wife._ I cry you mercy then, George; you know we are all frail, and full -of infirmities. D'ye hear, Master Merry-thought, may I crave a word with -you? - -_Old Mer._ [within.] Strike up lively, lads. - -_Wife._ I had not thought in truth, Master Merry-thought, that a man of -your age and discretion, as I may say, being a gentleman, and therefore -known by your gentle conditions, could have used so little respect to the -weakness of his wife; for your wife is your own flesh, the staff of your -age, your yoke-fellow, with whose help you draw through the mire of this -transitory world. Nay, she is your own rib. And again---- - - _Old Mer._ "I come not hither for thee to teach, - I have no pulpit for thee to preach, - As thou art a lady gay." - -_Wife._ Marry with a vengeance! I am heartily sorry for the poor -gentlewoman; but if I were thy wife, i'faith, gray beard, i'faith---- - -_Cit._ I prithee, sweet honeysuckle, be content. - -_Wife._ Give me such words that am a gentlewoman born, hang him, hoary -rascal! Get me some drink, George, I am almost molten with fretting. Now -beshrew his knave's heart for it. - -_Old Mer._ Play me a light lavalto. Come, be frolic, fill the good -fellows wine. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, are you disposed to make me wait -here. You'll open, I hope; I'll fetch them that shall open else. - -_Old Mer._ Good woman, if you will sing, I'll give you something, if -not---- - - SONG. - - You are no love for me, Marget, - I am no love for you. - Come aloft, boys, aloft. - -_Mist. Mer._ Now a churl's fist in your teeth, sir. Come, Mick, we'll -not trouble him, a shall not ding us i' th' teeth with his bread and his -broth, that he shall not. Come, boy, I'll provide for thee, I warrant -thee. We'll go to Master Venterwels the merchant; I'll get his letter to -mine host of the Bell in Waltham, there I'll place thee with the tapster; -will not that do well for thee, Mick? And let me alone for that old -rascally knave, your father; I'll use him in his kind, I warrant ye. - -_Wife._ Come, George, where's the beer? - -_Cit._ Here, love. - -_Wife._ This old fumigating fellow will not out of my mind yet. -Gentlemen, I'll begin to you all, I desire more of your acquaintance, -with all my heart. Fill the gentlemen some beer, George. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -_Boy danceth._ - -_Wife._ Look, George, the little boy's come again; methinks he looks -something like the Prince of Orange, in his long stocking, if he had a -little harness about his neck. George, I will have him dance Fading; -Fading is a fine jig, I'll assure you, gentlemen. Begin, brother; now a -capers, sweetheart; now a turn a th' toe, and then tumble. Cannot you -tumble, youth? - -_Boy._ No, indeed, forsooth. - -_Wife._ Nor eat fire? - -_Boy._ Neither. - -_Wife._ Why, then I thank you heartily; there's two pence to buy you -points withal. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ BOY. - - _Jasp._ There, boy, deliver this. But do it well. - Hast thou provided me four lusty fellows, - Able to carry me? And art thou perfect - In all thy business? - - _Boy._ Sir, you need not fear, - I have my lesson here, and cannot miss it: - The men are ready for you, and what else - Pertains to this employment. - - _Jasp._ There, my boy, - Take it, but buy no land. - - _Boy._ Faith, sir, 'twere rare - To see so young a purchaser. I fly, - And on my wings carry your destiny. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ Go, and be happy. Now my latest hope - Forsake me not, but fling thy anchor out, - And let it hold. Stand fixt, thou rolling stone, - Till I possess my dearest. Hear me, all - You Powers, that rule in men, celestial. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Go thy ways, thou art as crooked a sprig as ever grew in London. -I warrant him he'll come to some naughty end or other; for his looks say -no less. Besides, his father (you know, George) is none of the best; you -heard him take me up like a gill flirt, and sing bad songs upon me. But -i'faith, if I live, George---- - -_Cit._ Let me alone, sweetheart, I have a trick in my head shall lodge -him in the Arches for one year, and make him sing Peccavi, ere I leave -him, and yet he shall never know who hurt him neither. - -_Wife._ Do, my good George, do. - -_Cit._ What shall we have Ralph do now, boy? - -_Boy._ You shall have what you will, sir. - -_Cit._ Why so, sir, go and fetch me him then, and let the Sophy of Persia -come and christen him a child. - -_Boy._ Believe me, sir, that will not do so well; 'tis stale, it has been -had before at the Red Bull. - -_Wife._ George, let Ralph travel over great hills, and let him be weary, -and come to the King of Cracovia's house, covered with black velvet, and -there let the king's daughter stand in her window all in beaten gold, -combing her golden locks with a comb of ivory, and let her spy Ralph, -and fall in love with him, and come down to him, and carry him into her -father's house, and then let Ralph talk with her. - -_Cit._ Well said, Nell, it shall be so. Boy, let's ha't done quickly. - -_Boy._ Sir, if you will imagine all this to be done already, you shall -hear them talk together. But we cannot present a house covered with black -velvet, and a lady in beaten gold. - -_Cit._ Sir Boy, let's ha't as you can then. - -_Boy._ Besides, it will show ill-favouredly to have a grocer's prentice -to court a king's daughter. - -_Cit._ Will it so, sir? You are well read in histories: I pray you what -was Sir Dagonet? Was not he prentice to a grocer in London? Read the play -of the "Four Prentices of London," where they toss their pikes so. I pray -you fetch him in, sir; fetch him in. - - _Boy._ It shall be done, it is not our fault, gentlemen. - [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Now we shall see fine doings, I warrant thee, George. Oh, here -they come; how prettily the King of Cracovia's daughter is drest. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and the_ LADY, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, it is the fashion of that country, I warrant thee. - - _Lady._ Welcome, Sir Knight, unto my father's court, - King of Moldavia, unto me Pompiona, - His daughter dear. But sure you do not like - Your entertainment, that will stay with us - No longer but a night. - - _Ralph._ Damsel right fair, - I am on many sad adventures bound, - That call me forth into the wilderness. - Besides, my horse's back is something gall'd, - Which will enforce me ride a sober pace. - But many thanks, fair lady, be to you, - For using errant knight with courtesy. - - _Lady._ But say, brave knight, what is your name and birth? - - _Ralph._ My name is Ralph. I am an Englishman, - As true as steel, a hearty Englishman, - And prentice to a grocer in the Strand, - By deed indent, of which I have one part: - But fortune calling me to follow arms, - On me this holy order I did take, - Of Burning Pestle, which in all men's eyes - I bear, confounding ladies' enemies. - - _Lady._ Oft have I heard of your brave countrymen, - And fertile soil, and store of wholesome food; - My father oft will tell me of a drink - In England found, and Nipitato call'd, - Which driveth all the sorrow from your hearts. - - _Ralph._ Lady, 'tis true, you need not lay your lips - To better Nipitato than there is. - - _Lady._ And of a wildfowl he will often speak, - Which powdered beef and mustard called is: - For there have been great wars 'twixt us and you; - But truly, Ralph, it was not long of me. - Tell me then, Ralph, could you contented be - To wear a lady's favour in your shield? - - _Ralph._ I am a knight of a religious order, - And will not wear a favour of a lady - That trusts in Antichrist, and false traditions. - - _Cit._ Well said, Ralph, convert her if thou canst. - - _Ralph._ Besides, I have a lady of my own - In merry England; for whose virtuous sake - I took these arms, and Susan is her name, - A cobbler's maid in Milk Street, whom I vow - Ne'er to forsake, whilst life and pestle last. - - _Lady._ Happy that cobbling dame, whoe'er she be, - That for her own (dear Ralph) hath gotten thee. - Unhappy I, that ne'er shall see the day - To see thee more, that bear'st my heart away. - - _Ralph._ Lady, farewell; I must needs take my leave. - - _Lady._ Hard-hearted Ralph, that ladies dost deceive. - -_Cit._ Hark thee, Ralph, there's money for thee; give something in the -King of Cracovia's house; be not beholding to him. - - _Ralph._ Lady, before I go, I must remember - Your father's officers, who, truth to tell, - Have been about me very diligent: - Hold up thy snowy hand, thou princely maid. - There's twelve pence for your father's chamberlain, - And there's another shilling for his cook, - For, by my troth, the goose was roasted well. - And twelve pence for your father's horse-keeper, - For 'nointing my horse back; and for his butter, - There is another shilling; to the maid - That wash'd my boot-hose, there's an English groat, - And two pence to the boy that wip'd my boots. - And last, fair lady, there is for your self - Three pence to buy you pins at Bumbo Fair. - - _Lady._ Full many thanks, and I will keep them safe - Till all the heads be off, for thy sake, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ Advance, my squire and dwarf, I cannot stay. - - _Lady._ Thou kill'st my heart in parting thus away. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ I commend Ralph yet, that he will not stoop to a Cracovian; -there's properer women in London than any are there, I wis. But here -comes Master Humphrey and his love again; now, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, bird, peace. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, LUCE, _and_ BOY. - - _Merch._ Go, get you up, I will not be entreated. - And, gossip mine, I'll keep you sure hereafter - From gadding out again with boys and unthrifts; - Come, they are women's tears, I know your fashion. - Go, sirrah, lock her in, and keep the key - [_Exeunt_ LUCE _and_ BOY. - Safe as your life. Now, my son Humphrey, - You may both rest assured of my love - In this, and reap your own desire. - - _Humph._ I see this love you speak of, through your daughter, - Although the hole be little, and hereafter - Will yield the like in all I may or can, - Fitting a Christian and a gentleman. - - _Merch._ I do believe you, my good son, and thank you, - For 'twere an impudence to think you flattered. - - _Humph._ It were indeed, but shall I tell you why, - I have been beaten twice about the lie. - - _Merch._ Well, son, no more of compliment; my daughter - Is yours again: appoint the time and take her. - We'll have no stealing for it, I myself - And some few of our friends will see you married. - - _Humph._ I would you would i'faith, for be it known - I ever was afraid to lie alone. - - _Merch._ Some three days hence, then. - - _Humph._ Three days, let me see, - 'Tis somewhat of the most, yet I agree, - Because I mean against the 'pointed day, - To visit all my friends in new array. - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - -_Serv._ Sir, there's a gentlewoman without would speak with your worship. - -_Merch._ What is she? - -_Serv._ Sir, I asked her not. - -_Merch._ Bid her come in. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Peace be to your worship, I come as a poor suitor to you, -sir, in the behalf of this child. - -_Merch._ Are you not wife to Merry-thought? - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes truly, would I had ne'er seen his eyes, he has undone me -and himself, and his children, and there he lives at home and sings and -hoits, and revels among his drunken companions; but I warrant you, where -to get a penny to put bread in his mouth, he knows not. And therefore if -it like your worship, I would entreat your letter to the honest host of -the Bell in Waltham, that I may place my child under the protection of -his tapster, in some settled course of life. - - _Merch._ I'm glad the Heav'ns have heard my prayers. Thy husband, - When I was ripe in sorrows, laughed at me; - Thy son, like an unthankful wretch, I having - Redeem'd him from his fall, and made him mine, - To show his love again, first stole my daughter: - Then wrong'd this gentleman, and last of all - Gave me that grief, had almost brought me down - Unto my grave, had not a stronger hand - Reliev'd my sorrows. Go, and weep as I did, - And be unpitied, for here I profess - An everlasting hate to all thy name. - -_Mist. Mer._ Will you so, sir, how say you by that? Come, Mick, let him -keep his wind to cool his pottage; we'll go to thy nurse's, Mick, she -knits silk stockings, boy; and we'll knit too, boy, and be beholding to -none of them all. - - [_Exeunt_ MICHAEL _and_ MOTHER. - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a letter_. - -_Boy._ Sir, I take it you are the master of this house. - -_Merch._ How then, boy? - -_Boy._ Then to yourself, sir, comes this letter. - -_Merch._ From whom, my pretty boy? - - _Boy._ From him that was your servant, but no more - Shall that name ever be, for he is dead. - Grief of your purchas'd anger broke his heart; - I saw him die, and from his hand receiv'd - This paper, with a charge to bring it hither; - Read it, and satisfy yourself in all. - -LETTER. - -_Merch._ _Sir, that I have wronged your love I must confess, in which I -have purchas'd to myself, besides mine own undoing, the ill opinion of my -friends; let not your anger, good sir, outlive me, but suffer me to rest -in peace with your forgiveness; let my body (if a dying man may so much -prevail with you) be brought to your daughter, that she may know my hot -flames are now buried, and withal receive a testimony of the zeal I bore -her virtue. Farewell for ever, and be ever happy._--JASPER. - - God's hand is great in this. I do forgive him, - Yet am I glad he's quiet, where I hope - He will not bite again. Boy, bring the body, - And let him have his will, if that be all. - - _Boy._ 'Tis here without, sir. - - _Merch._ So, sir, if you please - You may conduct it in, I do not fear it. - - _Humph._ I'll be your usher, boy, for though I say it, - He ow'd me something once, and well did pay it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ LUCE _alone_. - - _Luce._ If there be any punishment inflicted - Upon the miserable, more than yet I feel, - Let it together seize me, and at once - Press down my soul; I cannot bear the pain - Of these delaying tortures. Thou that art - The end of all, and the sweet rest of all, - Come, come, O Death, and bring me to thy peace, - And blot out all the memory I nourish - Both of my father and my cruel friend. - O wretched maid, still living to be wretched, - To be a say to Fortune in her changes, - And grow to number times and woes together. - How happy had I been, if being born - My grave had been my cradle? - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - - _Serv._ By your leave, - Young mistress, here's a boy hath brought a coffin, - What a would say I know not; but your father - Charg'd me to give you notice. Here they come. - -_Enter two bearing a coffin_, JASPER _in it_. - - _Luce._ For me I hope 'tis come, and 'tis most welcome. - - _Boy._ Fair mistress, let me not add greater grief - To that great store you have already; Jasper - (That whilst he liv'd was yours, now's dead, - And here inclos'd) commanded me to bring - His body hither, and to crave a tear - From those fair eyes, though he deserv'd not pity, - To deck his funeral, for so he bid me - Tell her for whom he died. - - _Luce._ He shall have many. - - [_Exeunt_ COFFIN-CARRIER _and_ BOY. - - Good friends, depart a little, whilst I take - My leave of this dead man, that once I lov'd: - Hold, yet a little, life, and then I give thee - To thy first Heav'nly Being. O my friend! - Hast thou deceiv'd me thus, and got before me? - I shall not long be after, but believe me, - Thou wert too cruel, Jasper, 'gainst thyself, - In punishing the fault I could have pardon'd, - With so untimely death; thou didst not wrong me, - But ever wert most kind, most true, most loving: - And I the most unkind, most false, most cruel. - Didst thou but ask a tear? I'll give thee all, - Even all my eyes can pour down, all my sighs, - And all myself, before thou goest from me. - These are but sparing rites; but if thy soul - Be yet about this place, and can behold - And see what I prepare to deck thee with, - It shall go up, borne on the wings of peace, - And satisfied. First will I sing thy dirge, - Then kiss thy pale lips, and then die, myself, - And fill one coffin, and one grave together. - - SONG. - - Come you whose loves are dead, - And whilst I sing, - Weep and wring - Every hand, and every head - Bind with cypress and sad yew; - Ribbons black and candles blue, - For him that was of men most true. - - Come with heavy moaning, - And on his grave - Let him have - Sacrifice of sighs and groaning; - Let him have fair flowers enow, - White and purple, green and yellow, - For him that was of men most true. - - Thou sable cloth, sad cover of my joys, - I lift thee up, and thus I meet with death. - - _Jasp._ And thus you meet the living. - - _Luce._ Save me, Heav'n! - - _Jasp._ Nay, do not fly me, fair, I am no spirit; - Look better on me, do you know me yet? - - _Luce._ O thou dear shadow of my friend! - - _Jasp._ Dear substance, - I swear I am no shadow; feel my hand, - It is the same it was: I am your Jasper, - Your Jasper that's yet living, and yet loving; - Pardon my rash attempt, my foolish proof - I put in practice of your constancy. - For sooner should my sword have drunk my blood, - And set my soul at liberty, than drawn - The least drop from that body, for which boldness - Doom me to anything; if death, I take it - And willingly. - - _Luce._ This death I'll give you for it: - So, now I'm satisfied; you are no spirit; - But my own truest, truest, truest friend, - Why do you come thus to me? - - _Jasp._ First, to see you, - Then to convey you hence. - - _Luce._ It cannot be, - For I am lock'd up here, and watch'd at all hours, - That 'tis impossible for me to 'scape. - - _Jasp._ Nothing more possible: within this coffin - Do you convey yourself; let me alone, - I have the wits of twenty men about me, - Only I crave the shelter of your closet - A little, and then fear me not; creep in - That they may presently convey you hence. - Fear nothing, dearest love, I'll be your second; - Lie close, so, all goes well yet. Boy! - - _Boy._ At hand, sir. - - _Jasp._ Convey away the coffin, and be wary. - - _Boy._ 'Tis done already. - - _Jasp._ Now must I go conjure. [_Exit._ - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Merch._ Boy, boy! - -_Boy._ Your servant, sir. - -_Merch._ Do me this kindness, boy; hold, here's a crown: before thou bury -the body of this fellow, carry it to his old merry father, and salute him -from me, and bid him sing: he hath cause. - - _Boy._ I will, sir. - - _Merch._ And then bring me word what tune he is in, - And have another crown; but do it truly. - I've fitted him a bargain, now, will vex him. - - _Boy._ God bless your worship's health, sir. - - _Merch._ Farewell, boy. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MASTER MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Ah, Old Merry-thought, art thou there again? Let's hear some of -thy songs. - - _Old Mer._ "Who can sing a merrier note - Than he that cannot change a groat?" - -Not a denier left, and yet my heart leaps; I do wonder yet, as old as I -am, that any man will follow a trade, or serve, that may sing and laugh, -and walk the streets. My wife and both my sons are I know not where; I -have nothing left, nor know I how to come by meat to supper, yet am I -merry still; for I know I shall find it upon the table at six o'clock; -therefore, hang thought. - - "I would not be a serving-man - To carry the cloak-bag still, - Nor would I be a falconer - The greedy hawks to fill; - But I would be in a good house, - And have a good master too; - But I would eat and drink of the best, - And no work would I do." - -This is it that keeps life and soul together, mirth. This is the -philosopher's stone that they write so much on, that keeps a man ever -young. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Boy._ Sir, they say they know all your money is gone, and they will -trust you for no more drink. - -_Old Mer._ Will they not? Let 'em choose. The best is, I have mirth at -home, and need not send abroad for that. Let them keep their drink to -themselves. - - "For Jillian of Berry, she dwells on a hill, - And she hath good beer and ale to sell, - And of good fellows she thinks no ill, - And thither will we go now, now, now, and - thither will we go now. - And when you have made a little stay, - You need not know what is to pay, - But kiss your hostess and go your way. - And thither, &c." - -_Enter another_ BOY. - -_2nd Boy._ Sir, I can get no bread for supper. - -_Old Mer._ Hang bread and supper, let's preserve our mirth, and we shall -never feel hunger, I'll warrant you; let's have a catch. Boy, follow me; -come sing this catch: - - "Ho, ho, nobody at home, - Meat, nor drink, nor money ha' we none; - Fill the pot, Eedy, - Never more need I." - -So, boys, enough, follow me; let's change our place, and we shall laugh -afresh. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Let him go, George, a shall not have any countenance from us, -not a good word from any i' th' company, if I may strike stroke in't. - -_Cit._ No more a sha'not, love; but, Nell, I will have Ralph do a very -notable matter now, to the eternal honour and glory of all grocers. -Sirrah, you there, boy, can none of you hear? - -_Boy._ Sir, your pleasure. - -_Cit._ Let Ralph come out on May-day in the morning, and speak upon a -conduit with all his scarfs about him, and his feathers, and his rings, -and his knacks. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, you do not think of our plot, what will become of that, -then? - -_Cit._ Why, sir, I care not what become on't. I'll have him come out, -or I'll fetch him out myself, I'll have something done in honour of the -city; besides, he hath been long enough upon adventures. Bring him out -quickly, for I come amongst you---- - -_Boy._ Well, sir, he shall come out; but if our play miscarry, sir, you -are like to pay for't. - - [_Exit._ - -_Cit._ Bring him away, then. - -_Wife._ This will be brave, i'faith. George, shall not he dance the -morrice, too, for the credit of the Strand? - -_Cit._ No, sweetheart, it will be too much for the boy. Oh, there he is, -Nell; he's reasonable well in reparel, but he has not rings enough. - -_Enter_ RALPH. - - _Ralph._ "London, to thee I do present the merry month of May", - Let each true subject be content to hear me what I say: - For from the top of conduit head, as plainly may appear, - I will both tell my name to you, and wherefore I came here. - My name is Ralph, by due descent, though not ignoble I, - Yet far inferior to the flock of gracious grocery. - And by the common counsel of my fellows in the Strand, - With gilded staff, and crossed scarf, the May lord here I stand. - Rejoice, O English hearts, rejoice; rejoice, O lovers dear; - Rejoice, O city, town, and country; rejoice eke every shire; - For now the fragrant flowers do spring and sprout in seemly sort, - The little birds do sit and sing, the lambs do make fine sport; - And now the birchin tree doth bud that makes the schoolboy cry, - The morrice rings while hobby-horse doth foot it featuously: - The lords and ladies now abroad, for their disport and play, - Do kiss sometimes upon the grass, and sometimes in the hay. - Now butter with a leaf of sage is good to purge the blood, - Fly Venus and Phlebotomy, for they are neither good. - Now little fish on tender stone begin to cast their bellies, - And sluggish snail, that erst were mew'd, do creep out of their - shellies. - The rumbling rivers now do warm, for little boys to paddle, - The sturdy steed now goes to grass, and up they hang his saddle. - The heavy hart, the blowing buck, the rascal and the pricket, - Are now among the yeoman's pease, and leave the fearful thicket. - And be like them, O you, I say, of this same noble town, - And lift aloft your velvet heads, and slipping of your gown, - With bells on legs, and napkins clean unto your shoulders ty'd, - With scarfs and garters as you please, and Hey for our town! cry'd. - March out and show your willing minds, by twenty and by twenty, - To Hogsdon, or to Newington, where ale and cakes are plenty. - And let it ne'er be said for shame, that we the youths of London, - Lay thrumming of our caps at home, and left our custom undone. - Up then I say, both young and old, both man and maid a-maying, - With drums and guns that bounce aloud, and merry tabor playing. - Which to prolong, God save our king, and send his country peace, - And root out treason from the land; and so, my friends, I cease. - - * * * * * - - -ACT V.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, _solus_. - -_Merch._ I will have no great store of company at the wedding: a couple -of neighbours and their wives; and we will have a capon in stewed broth, -with marrow, and a good piece of beef, stuck with rosemary. - -_Enter_ JASPER, _with his face mealed_. - -_Jasp._ Forbear thy pains, fond man, it is too late. - -_Merch._ Heav'n bless me! Jasper! - - _Jasp._ Ay, I am his ghost, - Whom thou hast injur'd for his constant love: - Fond worldly wretch, who dost not understand - In death that true hearts cannot parted be. - First know, thy daughter is quite borne away - On wings of angels, through the liquid air - Too far out of thy reach, and never more - Shalt thou behold her face: but she and I - Will in another world enjoy our loves, - Where neither father's anger, poverty, - Nor any cross that troubles earthly men, - Shall make us sever our united hearts. - And never shalt thou sit, or be alone - In any place, but I will visit thee - With ghastly looks, and put into thy mind - The great offences which thou didst to me. - When thou art at thy table with thy friends, - Merry in heart, and fill'd with swelling wine, - I'll come in midst of all thy pride and mirth, - Invisible to all men but thyself, - And whisper such a sad tale in thine ear, - Shall make thee let the cup fall from thy hand, - And stand as mute and pale as death itself. - - _Merch._ Forgive me, Jasper! Oh! what might I do, - Tell me, to satisfy thy troubled ghost? - - _Jasp._ There is no means, too late thou think'st on this. - - _Merch._ But tell me what were best for me to do? - - _Jasp._ Repent thy deed, and satisfy my father, - And beat fond Humphrey out of thy doors. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY. - - _Wife._ Look, George, his very ghost would have folks beaten. - - _Humph._ Father, my bride is gone, fair Mistress Luce. - My soul's the font of vengeance, mischief's sluice. - - _Merch._ Hence, fool, out of my sight, with thy fond passion - Thou hast undone me. - - _Humph._ Hold, my father dear, - For Luce thy daughter's sake, that had no peer. - - _Merch._ Thy father, fool? There's some blows more, begone. - [_Beats him._ - - Jasper, I hope thy ghost be well appeased - To see thy will perform'd; now will I go - To satisfy thy father for thy wrongs. [_Exit._ - - _Humph._ What shall I do? I have been beaten twice, - And Mistress Luce is gone. Help me, device: - Since my true love is gone, I never more, - Whilst I do live, upon the sky will pore; - But in the dark will wear out my shoe-soles - In passion, in Saint Faith's Church under Paul's. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ George, call Ralph hither; if you love me, call Ralph hither. I -have the bravest thing for him to do, George; prithee call him quickly. - -_Cit._ Ralph, why Ralph, boy! - -_Enter_ RALPH. - -_Ralph._ Here, sir. - -_Cit._ Come hither, Ralph, come to thy mistress, boy. - -_Wife._ Ralph, I would have thee call all the youths together in -battle-ray, with drums, and guns, and flags, and march to Mile End in -pompous fashion, and there exhort your soldiers to be merry and wise, -and to keep their beards from burning, Ralph; and then skirmish, and let -your flags fly, and cry, Kill, kill, kill! My husband shall lend you his -jerkin, Ralph, and there's a scarf; for the rest, the house shall furnish -you, and we'll pay for't: do it bravely, Ralph, and think before whom you -perform, and what person you represent. - -_Ralph._ I warrant you, mistress, if I do it not, for the honour of the -city, and the credit of my master, let me never hope for freedom. - -_Wife._ 'Tis well spoken i'faith; go thy ways, thou art a spark indeed. - -_Cit._ Ralph, double your files bravely, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ I warrant you, sir. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Cit._ Let him look narrowly to his service, I shall take him else; I was -there myself a pike-man once, in the hottest of the day, wench; had my -feather shot sheer away, the fringe of my pike burnt off with powder, my -pate broken with a scouring-stick, and yet I thank God I am here. [_Drum -within._ - -_Wife._ Hark, George, the drums! - -_Cit._ Ran, tan, tan, tan, ran tan. Oh, wench, an' thou hadst but seen -little Ned of Aldgate, drum Ned, how he made it roar again, and laid on -like a tyrant, and then struck softly till the Ward came up, and then -thundered again, and together we go: "Sa, sa, sa," bounce quoth the guns; -"Courage, my hearts," quoth the captains; "Saint George," quoth the -pike-men; and withal here they lay, and there they lay; and yet for all -this I am here, wench. - -_Wife._ Be thankful for it, George, for indeed 'tis wonderful. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and his Company, with drums and colours_. - -_Ralph._ March fair, my hearts; lieutenant, beat the rear up; ancient, -let your colours fly; but have a great care of the butchers' hooks at -Whitechapel, they have been the death of many a fair ancient. Open -your files, that I may take a view both of your persons and munition. -Sergeant, call a muster. - -_Serg._ A stand. William Hamerton, pewterer. - -_Ham._ Here, Captain. - -_Ralph._ A croslet and a Spanish pike; 'tis well, can you shake it with -a terror? - -_Ham._ I hope so, captain. - -_Ralph._ Charge upon me--'tis with the weakest. Put more strength, -William Hamerton, more strength. As you were again; proceed, sergeant. - -_Serg._ George Green-goose, poulterer. - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ Let me see your piece, neighbour Green-goose. When was she shot -in? - -_Green._ An' like you, master captain, I made a shot even now, partly to -scour her, and partly for audacity. - -_Ralph._ It should seem so, certainly, for her breath is yet inflamed; -besides, there is a main fault in the touch-hole, it stinketh. And I -tell you, moreover, and believe it, ten such touch-holes would poison -the army; get you a feather, neighbour, get you a feather, sweet oil and -paper, and your piece may do well enough yet. Where's your powder? - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ What, in a paper? As I am a soldier and a gentleman, it craves -a martial court: you ought to die for't. Where's your horn? Answer me to -that. - -_Green._ An't like you, sir, I was oblivious. - -_Ralph._ It likes me not it should be so; 'tis a shame for you, and a -scandal to all our neighbours, being a man of worth and estimation, to -leave your horn behind you: I am afraid 'twill breed example. But let me -tell you no more on't; stand till I view you all. What's become o' th' -nose of your flask? - -_1st Sold._ Indeed, la' captain, 'twas blown away with powder. - -_Ralph._ Put on a new one at the city's charge. Where's the flint of this -piece? - -_2nd Sold._ The drummer took it out to light tobacco. - -_Ralph._ 'Tis a fault, my friend; put it in again. You want a nose, and -you a flint; sergeant, take a note on't, for I mean to stop it in their -pay. Remove and march; soft and fair, gentlemen, soft and fair: double -your files; as you were; faces about. Now you with the sodden face, keep -in there: look to your match, sirrah, it will be in your fellow's flask -anon. So make a crescent now, advance your pikes, stand and give ear. -Gentlemen, countrymen, friends, and my fellow-soldiers, I have brought -you this day from the shop of security and the counters of content, to -measure out in these furious fields honour by the ell and prowess by the -pound. Let it not, O let it not, I say, be told hereafter, the noble -issue of this city fainted; but bear yourselves in this fair action like -men, valiant men, and free men. Fear not the face of the enemy, nor -the noise of the guns; for believe me, brethren, the rude rumbling of -a brewer's car is more terrible, of which you have a daily experience: -neither let the stink of powder offend you, since a more valiant stink is -always with you. To a resolved mind his home is everywhere. I speak not -this to take away the hope of your return; for you shall see (I do not -doubt it), and that very shortly, your loving wives again, and your sweet -children, whose care doth bear you company in baskets. Remember, then, -whose cause you have in hand, and like a sort of true-born scavengers, -scour me this famous realm of enemies. I have no more to say but this: -Stand to your tacklings, lads, and show to the world you can as well -brandish a sword as shake an apron. Saint George, and on, my hearts! - - _Omnes._ Saint George, Saint George! [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ 'Twas well done, Ralph; I'll send thee a cold capon a field, and -a bottle of March beer; and, it may be, come myself to see thee. - -_Cit._ Nell, the boy hath deceived me much; I did not think it had been -in him. He has perform'd such a matter, wench, that, if I live, next year -I'll have him Captain of the Gallifoist, or I'll want my will. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Old Mer._ Yet, I thank God, I break not a wrinkle more than I had; not a -stoop, boys. Care, live with cats, I defy thee! My heart is as sound as -an oak; and tho' I want drink to wet my whistle, I can sing, - - "Come no more there, boys; come no more there: - For we shall never, whilst we live, come any more there." - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a coffin_. - -_Boy._ God save you, sir. - -_Old Mer._ It's a brave boy. Canst thou sing? - -_Boy._ Yes, sir, I can sing, but 'tis not so necessary at this time. - - _Old Mer._ "Sing we, and chaunt it, - Whilst love doth grant it." - -_Boy._ Sir, sir, if you knew what I have brought you, you would have -little list to sing. - - _Old Mer._ "Oh, the Mimon round, - Full long I have thee sought, - And now I have thee found, - And what hast thou here brought?" - - _Boy._ A coffin, sir, and your dead son Jasper in it. - - _Old Mer._ Dead! - - "Why farewell he: - Thou wast a bonny boy, - And I did love thee." - -_Enter_ JASPER. - -_Jasp._ Then I pray you, sir, do so still. - - _Old Mer._ Jasper's ghost! - - "Thou art welcome from Stygian-lake so soon, - Declare to me what wondrous things - In Pluto's Court are done." - -_Jasp._ By my troth, sir, I ne'er came there, 'tis too hot for me, sir. - -_Old Mer._ A merry ghost, a very merry ghost. - -"And where is your true love? Oh, where is yours?" - - _Jasp._ Marry look you, sir. [_Heaves up the coffin._ - - _Old Mer._ Ah ha! Art thou good at that i'faith? - "With hey trixie terlerie-whiskin, - The world it runs on wheels; - When the young man's frisking - Up goes the maiden's heels." - - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL _within_. - - _Mist. Mer._ What, Mr. Merry-thought, will you not let's in? - What do you think shall become of us? - -_Old Mer._ What voice is that that calleth at our door? - -_Mist. Mer._ You know me well enough, I am sure I have not been such a -stranger to you. - - _Old Mer._ "And some they whistled, and some they sung, - Hey down, down: - And some did loudly say, - Ever as the Lord Barnet's horn blew, - Away, Musgrave, away." - -_Mist. Mer._ You will not have us starve here, will you, Master -Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ Nay, good sir, be persuaded, she is my mother. If her offences -have been great against you, let your own love remember she is yours, and -so forgive her. - -_Luce._ Good Master Merry-thought, let me entreat you, I will not be -denied. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, will you be a vext thing still? - -_Old Mer._ Woman, I take you to my love again, but you shall sing before -you enter; therefore despatch your song, and so come in. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, you must have your will when all's done. Michael, what -song canst thou sing, boy? - -_Mich._ I can sing none forsooth but "A Lady's Daughter of Paris," -properly. - - _Mist. Mer._ [song.] "It was a lady's daughter," &c. - - _Old Mer._ Come, you're welcome home again. - "If such danger be in playing, - And jest must to earnest turn, - You shall go no more a-maying"---- - -_Merch._ [within.] Are you within, Sir Master Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ It is my master's voice, good sir; go hold him in talk whilst we -convey ourselves into some inward room. - -_Old Mer._ What are you? Are you merry? You must be very merry if you -enter. - -_Merch._ I am, sir. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, then. - -_Merch._ Nay, good sir, open to me. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, I say, or by the merry heart you come not in. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, I'll sing. - "Fortune my foe," &c. - -_Old Mer._ You are welcome, sir, you are welcome: you see your -entertainment, pray you be merry. - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought, I'm come to ask you - Forgiveness for the wrongs I offered you, - And your most virtuous son; they're infinite, - Yet my contrition shall be more than they. - I do confess my hardness broke his heart, - For which just Heav'n hath given me punishment - More than my age can carry; his wand'ring sprite, - Not yet at rest, pursues me everywhere, - Crying, I'll haunt thee for thy cruelty. - My daughter she is gone, I know not how. - Taken invisible, and whether living, - Or in grave, 'tis yet uncertain to me. - Oh, Master Merry-thought, these are the weights - Will sink me to my grave. Forgive me, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Why, sir, I do forgive you, and be merry. - And if the wag in's lifetime play'd the knave, - Can you forgive him too? - - _Merch._ With all my heart, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Speak it again, and heartily. - - _Merch._ I do, sir. - Now by my soul I do. - - _Old Mer._ "With that came out his paramour, - She was as white as the lily flower, - Hey troul, troly loly. - With that came out her own dear knight, - He was as true as ever did fight," &c. - -_Enter_ LUCE _and_ JASPER. - -Sir, if you will forgive 'em, clap their hands together, there's no more -to be said i' th' matter. - -_Merch._ I do, I do! - -_Cit._ I do not like this. Peace, boys, hear me one of you, everybody's -part is come to an end but Ralph's, and he's left out. - -_Boy._ 'Tis long of yourself, sir, we have nothing to do with his part. - -_Cit._ Ralph, come away, make on him as you have done of the rest, boys, -come. - -_Wife_. Now, good husband, let him come out and die. - -_Cit._ He shall, Nell; Ralph, come away quickly and die, boy. - -_Boy._ 'Twill be very unfit he should die, sir, upon no occasion, and in -a comedy too. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for that, Sir Boy; is not his part at an end, -think you, when he's dead? Come away, Ralph. - -_Enter_ RALPH _with a forked arrow through his head._ - - _Ralph._ When I was mortal, this my costive corps - Did lap up figs and raisins in the Strand, - Where sitting, I espy'd a lovely dame, - Whose master wrought with lingel and with awl, - And underground he vamped many a boot. - Straight did her love prick forth me, tender sprig, - To follow feats of arms in warlike wise, - Through Waltham Desert; where I did perform - Many achievements, and did lay on ground - Huge Barbaroso, that insulting giant, - And all his captives soon set at liberty. - Then honour prick'd me from my native soil - Into Moldavia, where I gain'd the love - Of Pompiana, his beloved daughter; - But yet prov'd constant to the black-thumbed maid - Susan, and scorned Pompiana's love. - Yet liberal I was, and gave her pins, - And money for her father's officers. - I then returned home, and thrust myself - In action, and by all men chosen was - The Lord of May, where I did flourish it, - With scarfs and rings, and posie in my hand. - After this action I preferred was, - And chosen City Captain at Mile End, - With hat and feather, and with leading staff, - And train'd my men, and brought them all off clean, - Save one man that berayed him with the noise. - But all these things I, Ralph, did undertake, - Only for my beloved Susan's sake. - Then coming home, and sitting in my shop - With apron blue, Death came unto my stall - To cheapen aquavitae, but ere I - Could take the bottle down, and fill a taste, - Death caught a pound of pepper in his hand, - And sprinkled all my face and body o'er, - And in an instant vanished away. - - _Cit._ 'Tis a pretty fiction, i'faith. - - _Ralph._ Then took I up my bow and shaft in hand, - And walked in Moorfields to cool myself, - But there grim cruel Death met me again, - And shot his forked arrow through my head. - And now I faint; therefore be warn'd by me, - My fellows every one, of forked heads. - Farewell, all you good boys in merry London, - Ne'er shall we more upon Shrove Tuesday meet, - And pluck down houses of iniquity. - My pain increaseth: I shall never more - When clubs are cried be brisk upon my legs, - Nor daub a satin gown with rotten eggs. - Set up a stake, oh never more I shall; - I die! Fly, fly, my soul, to Grocers Hall! Oh, oh, oh, &c. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph, do your obeisance to the gentlemen, and go your -ways. Well said, Ralph. - - [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Old Mer._ Methinks all we, thus kindly and unexpectedly reconciled, -should not part without a song. - -_Merch._ A good motion. - -_Old Mer._ Strike up, then. - -SONG. - - Better music ne'er was known, - Than a quire of hearts in one. - Let each other, that hath been - Troubled with the gall or spleen, - Learn of us to keep his brow - Smooth and plain, as yours are now. - Sing though before the hour of dying, - He shall rise, and then be crying - Heyho, 'tis nought but mirth - That keeps the body from the earth. [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUS. - -_Cit._ Come, Nell, shall we go? The play's done. - -_Wife._ Nay, by my faith, George, I have more manners than so, I'll speak -to these gentlemen first. I thank you all, gentlemen, for your patience -and countenance to Ralph, a poor fatherless child, and if I may see you -at my house, it should go hard but I would have a pottle of wine, and a -pipe of tobacco for you, for truly I hope you like the youth, but I would -be glad to know the truth. I refer it to your own discretions, whether -you will applaud him or no, for I will wink, and whilst, you shall do -what you will.--I thank you with all my heart: God give you good night. -Come, George. - - - - -THE REHEARSAL. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - BAYES. - JOHNSON. - SMITH. - _Two Kings of Brentford_. - PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - _Gentleman-Usher_. - _Physician_. - DRAWCANSIR. - _General_. - _Lieutenant-General_. - CORDELIO. - TOM THIMBLE. - _Fisherman_. - _Sun_. - _Thunder_. - _Players_. - _Soldiers_. - _Two Heralds_. - _Four Cardinals_. } - _Mayor_. } Mutes - _Judges_ } - _Serjeant-at-Arms_. } - AMARYLLIS. - CLORIS. - PARTHENOPE. - PALLAS. - _Lightning_. - _Moon_. - _Earth_. - Attendants of Men and Women. - - SCENE.--BRENTFORD. - - -PROLOGUE. - - We might well call this short mock-play of ours, - A posy made of weeds instead of flowers; - Yet such have been presented to your noses, - And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses. - Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night, - What stuff it is in which they took delight. - Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall - Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all. - There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train, - Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein. - For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ - In spite of reason, nature, art and wit) - Our poets make us laugh at tragedy, - And with their comedies they make us cry. - Now critics, do your worst, that here are met; - For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet. - If you approve, I shall assume the state - Of those high-flyers whom I imitate: - And justly too, for I will teach you more - Than ever they would let you know before. - I will not only show the feats they do, - But give you all their reasons for 'em too. - Some honour may to me from hence arise; - But if, by my endeavours you grow wise, - And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise; - Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage, - 'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -JOHNSON _and_ SMITH. - -_Johns._ Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long -hast thou been in town? - -_Smith._ Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I -had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the -strange new things we have heard in the country. - -_Johns._ And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all -the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here. - -_Smith._ Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, -what are our men of business doing? - -_Johns._ I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another -way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as -I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, -who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are -always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought -men of business. - -_Smith._ Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the -dullest of men. - -_Johns._ Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, -and your gravest beast is an ass. - -_Smith._ Well: but how dost thou pass thy time? - -_Johns._ Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend -to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are -such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost -made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid -nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime. - -_Smith._ I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and -our country wits commend 'em. - -_Johns._ Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new -kind of wits. - -_Smith._ New kind! what kind is that? - -_Johns._ Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows -that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and -surprise. - -_Smith._ Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of -that. - -_Johns._ Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand -that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their -no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; -'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, -crying; and everything, but thinking and sense. - -MR. BAYES _passes over the stage_. - -_Bayes._ Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir. - -_Johns._ Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you. - -_Smith._ No, prithee let him alone. - -_Johns._ Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him. [_Goes after him._ Here he is; -I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to -this friend of mine? - -_Bayes._ Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, but -receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the honourable title -you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this--sweet sir, your servant. - -_Smith._ Your humble servant, sir. - -_Johns._ But wilt thou do me a favour, now? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, what is't? - -_Johns._ Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play. - -_Bayes._ How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot? - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; anything. - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have -a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been -blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I -say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. -In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and -pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1] This morning is -its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; -and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its -virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be ashamed to -discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket. [_Puts his -hand in his pocket._ - -_Johns._ Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; -but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my -friend will do so too. - -_Smith._ Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from -your company. - -_Bayes._ Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama -Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays. - -_Johns._ Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it -convenient to make use of. - -_Smith._ How, sir, helps for wit? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet -the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, -except it were by the help of these my rules.[2] - -_Johns._ What are those rules, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula -Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse, _alternative_ as -you please. - -_Smith._ Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in -my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any -wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if -it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it -be verse, put it into prose. - -_Johns._ Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be -called transprosing. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it -shall be so. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then? - -_Bayes._ Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next -rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe. - -_Johns._ We hear you, sir; go on. - -_Bayes._ As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where -witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon -as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making -you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these -things. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one -rule for invention? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket. - -_Smith._ What rule can that be, I wonder? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my -head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, -and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's -Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the -rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving -out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit -as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my -rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the -effects. - -_Smith._ We'll follow you, sir. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter three_ PLAYERS _on the stage_. - -_1st Play._ Have you your part perfect? - -_2nd Play._ Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is -to be spoken. - -_3rd Play._ And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what -humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I -don't know what to make on't. - -_1st Play._ Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us -all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things -please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, -the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for -to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end -of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new -matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all -that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are -essential to a play. - -_2nd Play._ Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no -great matter. - -_Enter_ BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.--a--. Ha' you -your part ready? - -_1st Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ But do you understand the true humour of it? - -_1st Play._ Ay, sir, pretty well. - -_Bayes._ And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her? - -_3rd Play._ Oh, admirably! - -_Bayes._ I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make -'em call her anon, in this play? - -_Smith._ What, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, -ha, ha! - -_Johns._ That will be very well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but--a--come, let's sit down. -Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole -plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several -accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the -grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same -place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now -the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, -the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among -themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves -equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; -though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well -understood.) - -_Johns._ I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again. - -_Bayes._ Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in -taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of -the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, -and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their -own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a--you -understand me--upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, -heart-burnings, and all that--in fine, you'll apprehend it better when -you see it. - - [_Exit, to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if -they can make any sense out of this. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. -I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for -either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the -prologue;[3] (do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any -other play as well as this. - -_Smith._ Very well; that's indeed artificial. - -_Bayes._ And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would -do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but -two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by -insinuation, good language, and all that, to--a--in a manner, steal your -plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of -some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring -persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being -too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I -come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a -furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out -of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, -and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping--a-- - -_Smith._ Ay, but suppose they don't. - -_Bayes._ Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing -to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, -sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!--ha, ha, ha! [_Walks away._ - -_Johns._ Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow -newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, -here, of the town. - -_Bayes._ If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd -the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar -friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and -they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it. - -_Bayes._ I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, -for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, -I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot -into the boxes;[4] and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my -friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the -rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your -suppose? Ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss. - -_Bayes._ I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the -prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, -you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; -for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of -persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so -many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and -censure things that, egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. -A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, -and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5] that, egad, -to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons -that do as much despise all that as--a-- In fine, I'll say no more of 'em. - -_Johns._ Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure -more than they'll e'er be able to answer. - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely and _bona fide_, were it not -for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that -have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would -e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates. - -_Johns._ Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if -I were in your place, now, I would do so. - -_Bayes._ No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be -disengag'd from;[6] otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my -hangman? - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, I should like him very well. - -_Bayes._ By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would -you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue? - -_Johns._ Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both. - -_Bayes._ No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another. - -_Johns._ What other, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning. - -_Johns._ That's greater; I'd rather stick to that. - -_Bayes._ Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many -witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is a _non -pareillo_: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make -my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to -oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all -that; so, in this, by the other way, _in terrorem_, I choose for the -persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit? - -_Johns._ Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before -they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock. - -_Bayes._ I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the -whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it. - -_Smith._ Let's hear it, I pray you. - - _Bayes._ 'Tis an allusion to love. - [7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh, - Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky; - Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves, - And there consummate their unfinish'd loves: - Pensive in mud they wallow all alone, - And snore and gruntle to each other's moan." - - How do you like it now, ha? - -_Johns._ Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder -and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank -you; and I'll put it in _profecto_. Come out, Thunder and Lightning. - -_Enter_ THUNDER _and_ LIGHTNING. - -_Thun._ I am the bold Thunder. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a -hoarse voice. I am the bold _Thunder_: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that -thunders it out indeed: I am the bold _Thunder_. - - _Thun._ I am the bold _Thunder_.[8] - - _Light._ The brisk Lightning, I. - - _Bayes._ Nay, you must be quick and nimble. - The brisk _Lightning_, I. That's my meaning. - - _Thun._ I am the bravest Hector of the sky. - - _Light._ And I fair Helen, that made Hector die. - - _Thun._ I strike men down. - - _Light._ I fire the town. - - _Thun._ Let critics take heed how they grumble, - For then begin I for to rumble. - - _Light._ Let the ladies allow us their graces, - Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces, - And dry up their petre to soot. - - _Thun._ Let the critics look to't. - - _Light._ Let the ladies look to't.[9] - - _Thun._ For Thunder will do't. - - _Light._ For Lightning will shoot. - - _Thun._ I'll give you dash for dash. - - _Light._ I'll give you flash for flash. - Gallants, I'll singe your feather. - - _Thun._ I'll thunder you together. - -_Both._ Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't, we'll -do't. - - [_Twice or thrice repeated._ - [_Exeunt ambo._ - -_Bayes._ There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll. - -_Smith._ Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible. - -_Bayes._ Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad. Come, -come, begin the play. - -_Enter_ FIRST PLAYER. - -_1st Play._ Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, -he's but two doors off.[10] - -_Bayes._ Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done -before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the -plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11] - -_Smith._ Umph! very new indeed. - -_Bayes._ Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Phys._ Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher -of this sumptuous place. - -_Ush._ And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect you rule -the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician. - -_Phys._ You hit my function right. - -_Ush._ And you mine. - -_Phys._ Then let's embrace. - -_Ush._ Come. - -_Phys._ Come. - -_Johns._ Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of -Brentford. - -_Johns._ But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another -no better? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot. - -_Johns._ Very well. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude. - -_Smith._ What, before he begins? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty -while without. - -_Smith._ Where? in the tyring-room? - -_Bayes._ Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted -the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, -like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are -grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings -on the people. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good? - -_Johns._ Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable. - - _Phys._ But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo - should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you - then perhaps would find that---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now he whispers. - - _Ush._ Alone do you say? - - _Phys._ No, attended with the noble---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Again. - - _Ush._ Who, he in grey? - - _Phys._ Yes, and at the head of---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Pray mark. - - _Ush._ Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear, - These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't; - First, he---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now the other whispers. - - _Ush._ Secondly, they---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ At it still. - - _Ush._ Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they---- [_Whispers._ - -_Bayes._ Now they both whisper. [_Exeunt whispering._ Now, gentlemen, -pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning -of a play? - -_Johns._ In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same -place? - -_Bayes._ Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your -Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for -fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I. - -_Smith._ But what think you of Sir John Suckling? - -_Bayes._ By gad, I am a better poet than he. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because -they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be -divulg'd. - -_Smith._ But then, sir, why---- - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the -fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed. - -[_Goes to the door._ - -_Johns._ How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee? - -_Smith._ Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all -that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what -moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach. - -_Johns._ It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12] has informed me of this -play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene -here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever -been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls -good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably -dull, and not one word to the purpose. - -_Smith._ It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much. - -_Johns._ Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play -or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with -this new kind of foppery. - -_Smith._ Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a -fool to be laugh'd at. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Johns._ I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; -tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper -well. - -_Bayes._ Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, -you'll find it so. - -_Johns._ Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I -assure you, has written a great many fine things already. - -_Bayes._ Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you -write? - -_Smith._ Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health. - -_Bayes._ Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write? - -_Smith._ I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down. - -_Bayes._ Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing -is, with what do you prepare yourself? - -_Smith._ Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean? - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar -things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes -only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and -let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery -flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you -must purge the stomach. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the -best I have. - -_Smith._ In good faith, sir, and that may very well be. - -_Bayes._ May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: _Experto crede Roberto._ But I -must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13] -when you write. - -_Smith._ Why so, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in -all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to -help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ KINGS, _hand in hand_. - -_Bayes._ Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of -their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could -make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so. - -_1st King._ Did you observe their whispers, brother king? - - _2nd King._ I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing, - That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks. - -_Bayes._ This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same -quality. - -_Smith._ S'death, this would make a man sick. - - _1st King._ If that design appears, - I'll lug them by the ears, - Until I make 'em crack. - -_2nd King._ And so will I, i'fack. - -_1st King._ You must begin, _Ma foy_. - -_2nd King._ Sweet sir, _Pardonnez moy_. - -_Bayes._ Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding. - -_Johns._ Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine! - - _2nd King._ Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand, - And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand. - [_Exeunt Reges._ - -_Johns._ This is a majestic scene indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: -I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; -egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It -was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very -same style; it was never acted yet. - -_Johns._ How so? - -_Bayes._ Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so -pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ What is't? - -_Bayes._ Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ That's impossible! - -_Bayes._ Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Fie, that was rude. - -_Bayes._ Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and -all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. -I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of -things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent -rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again. - -_Johns._ Strange fellows indeed! - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this -whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it. - -_Bayes._ No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two -kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the -door, just as the other went off. - -_Smith._ That indeed would have done it. - -_Bayes._ Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best -things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have -been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that -I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the -nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman -comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know -was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, -a knight.[14] - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - - _Pret._ How strange a captive am I grown of late! - Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate! - My love, I cannot; that is too divine: - And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15] - -_Enter_ CHLORIS. - - But here she comes. - Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not! [_Lies down._ - - _Bayes._ Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine! - - _Pret._ But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the - rest. [_Sleeps._ - -_Bayes._ Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the nick? -his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all that, and swop -he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must make a simile. - -_Smith._ Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever -make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing. - - _Cloris._[16] As some tall pine, which we on AEtna find - T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind, - Feeling without that flames within do play, - Which would consume his root and sap away; - He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies, - Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies: - So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears. - Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears. - [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too. - -_Bayes._ No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, -and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But -I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ -it, I wept myself. - -_Smith._ No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am -likelier to fall asleep. - -PRINCE PRETTYMAN _starts up, and says_-- - - _Pret._ It is resolved! [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ That's all. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, -and you not be angry? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to -gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say -that, sir. - -_Smith._ Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in -his sleep? - -_Bayes._ Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one -that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, -sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo -secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you -mark me?)--a-- - -_Smith._ Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all? - -_Bayes._ I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, -egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for -Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe -it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill -argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two -grand, sober, governing persons. - - -SCENE IV. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Ush._ Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads -together. - -_Phys._ Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but -when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in -my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith. - -_Bayes._ I do just so, egad, always. - -_Ush._ The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I -divide thus. - -_Phys._ Yes, it must be divided so indeed. - -_Smith._ That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another -man's opinion, before he knows what it is. - -_Bayes._ Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you. - -_Ush._ I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and -whether they heard or no. - -_Johns._ Most admirably divided, I swear! - -_Ush._ As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as -for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what -we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last -question, _videlicet_, whether they heard or no. - -_Smith._ This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians. - -_Ush._ Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question. - -_Phys._ No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you. - -_Ush._ Your will must be a law. - -_Phys._ Come, then, what is't I must ask? - -_Smith._ This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short -memory. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, -and this is but his pupil. - -_Ush._ You must ask me whether they heard us whisper. - -_Phys._ Well, I do so. - -_Ush._ Say it then. - -_Smith._ Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw. - -_Johns._ This is mighty methodical. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other -way, egad, in business. - -_Phys._ Did they hear us whisper? - -_Ush._ Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word -whisper: to whisper in Latin is _susurrare_, which is as much as to -say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us -whisper; but then comes in the _quomodo_, the _how_; how did they hear -us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or -accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper. - -_Phys._ Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more. - -_Ush._ Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the -latter end of the play. - -_Smith._ I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. -Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, -to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business. - -_Johns._ You have done it exceeding well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think this will do. - -_Phys._ Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody -else will take us. - -_Smith._ Not for politicians, I dare answer for it. - - _Phys._ Let's then no more ourselves in vain bemoan: - We are not safe until we them unthrone. - - _Ush._ 'Tis right: - And, since occasion now seems debonair, - I'll seize on this, and you shall take that chair. - -[_They draw their swords, and sit in the two great chairs upon the stage._ - -_Bayes._ There's now an odd surprise; the whole state's turned quite -topsy-turvy, without any pother or stir in the whole world, egad.[17] - -_Johns._ A very silent change of government, truly, as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ It is so. And yet you shall see me bring 'em in again, -by-and-by, in as odd a way every jot. - -[_The Usurpers march out, flourishing their swords._ - -_Enter_ SHIRLY. - - _Shir._ Heyho! heyho! what a change is here! heyday, heyday! - I know not what to do, nor what to say.[18] [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, in my opinion, now, that gentleman might have said -a little more upon this occasion. - -_Bayes._ No, sir, not at all; for I underwrit his part on purpose to set -off the rest. - -_Johns._ Cry you mercy, sir. - -_Smith._ But pray, sir, how came they to depose the kings so easily? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, they long had a design to do it before; -but never could put it in practice till now: and to tell you true, that's -one reason why I made 'em whisper so at first. - -_Smith._ Oh, very well; now I'm fully satisfied. - -_Bayes._ And then to show you, sir, it was not done so very easily -neither, in the next scene you shall see some fighting. - -_Smith._ Oh, oh; so then you make the struggle to be after the business -is done? - -_Bayes._ Ay. - -_Smith._ Oh, I conceive you: that, I swear, is very natural. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter four Men at one door, and four at another, with their swords -drawn._ - -_1st Sold._ Stand. Who goes there? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend. - -_1st Sold._ What friend? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend to the house. - - _1st Sold._ Fall on! [_They all kill one another._ - [_Music strikes._ - - _Bayes._ Hold, hold. [_To the music. It ceases._ - Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see - rise up presently, at a certain note that I have, in _effaut flat_, - and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? remember your - note in _effaut flat_. - Play on. [_To the music._ - Now, now, now! [_The music plays his note, and the dead men - rise; but cannot get in order._ - O Lord! O Lord! Out, out, out! did ever men spoil a good - thing so! no figure, no ear, no time, nothing. Udzookers, you - dance worse than the angels in "Harry the Eighth," or the fat - spirits in the "Tempest," egad. - -_1st Sold._ Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to this -tune. - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if there be any -faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two whole nights in -composing this air, and apting it for the business; for, if you observe, -there are two several designs in this tune: it begins swift, and ends -slow. You talk of time, and time; you shall see me do it. Look you, now: -here I am dead. - - [_Lies down flat upon his face._ - - Now mark my note _effaut flat_. Strike up, music. - Now. [_As he rises up hastily, he falls down again._ - Ah, gadzookers! I have broke my nose. - -_Johns._ By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate note of -yours, in _effaut_. - -_Bayes._ A plague on this old stage, with your nails, and your -tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to act, but he -must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and all. Pray, sir, can -you help me to a wet piece of brown paper? - -_Smith._ No, indeed, sir, I don't usually carry any about me. - -_2nd Sold._ Sir, I'll go get you some within presently. - -_Bayes._ Go, go, then; I follow you. Pray dance out the dance, and I'll -be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like horse-men. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - - _Smith._ Like horse-men! what a plague can that be? - - _They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it._ - - _1st Sold._ A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance - that Mr. Bayes found fault with so. [_Dance, and Exeunt._ - - _Smith._ What can this fool be doing all this while about his - nose? - - _Johns._ Prithee let's go see. [_Exeunt._ - - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -BAYES _with a paper on his nose_, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, this I do, because my fancy, in this play, is, to end -every act with a dance. - -_Smith._ Faith, that fancy is very good; but I should hardly have broke -my nose for it, tho'. - -_Johns._ That fancy I suppose is new too. - -_Bayes._ Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's heels; but -make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. Now, here comes in a -scene of sheer wit, without any mixture in the whole world, egad! between -Prince Prettyman and his tailor: it might properly enough be call'd a -prize of wit; for you shall see them come in one upon another snip-snap, -hit for hit, as fast as can be. First, one speaks, then presently -t'other's upon him, slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash -with a new conceit; and so eternally, eternally, egad, till they go quite -off the stage. [_Goes to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ What a plague does this fop mean, by his snip snap, hit for hit, -and dash! - -_Johns._ Mean! why, he never meant anything in's life; what dost talk of -meaning for? - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Why don't you come in? - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ TOM THIMBLE.[19] - -This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted, for 'tis -as full of drollery as ever it can hold. 'Tis like an orange stuff'd with -cloves, as for conceit. - -_Pret._ But prithee, Tom Thimble, why wilt thou needs marry? if nine -tailors make but one man, what work art thou cutting out here for -thyself, trow? - -_Bayes._ Good. - -_Thim._ Why, an't please your highness, if I can't make up all the work -I cut out, I shan't want journeymen enow to help me, I warrant you. - -_Bayes._ Good again. - -_Pret._ I am afraid thy journeymen, tho', Tom, won't work by the day. - -_Bayes._ Good still. - -_Thim._ However, if my wife sits but as I do, there will be no -great danger: not half so much as when I trusted you, sir, for your -coronation-suit. - -_Bayes._ Very good, i'faith. - -_Pret._ Why the times then liv'd upon trust; it was the fashion. You -would not be out of time, at such a time as that, sure: a tailor, you -know, must never be out of fashion. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Thim._ I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the court-fashion, for you -never paid me yet. - -_Bayes._ There's a bob for the court.[20] - -_Pret._ Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when thou art angry, I see: thou -pay'st me now, methinks. - -_Bayes._ There's pay upon pay! as good as ever was written, egad! - -_Thim._ Ay, sir, in your own coin; you give me nothing but words.[21] - -_Bayes._ Admirable! - -_Pret._ Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have another coin for thee; for -now the wars are coming on, I shall grow to be a man of metal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, you did not do that half enough. - -_Johns._ Methinks he does it admirably. - -_Bayes._ Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't: he does not top -his part.[22] - -_Thim._ That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, sir. I shall see you come -home, like an angel for the king's evil, with a hole bor'd thro' you. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Ha, there he has hit it up to the hilts, egad! How do you like -it now, gentlemen? is not this pure wit? - -_Smith._ 'Tis snip-snap, sir, as you say; but methinks not pleasant, nor -to the purpose; for the play does not go on. - -_Bayes._ Play does not go on! I don't know what you mean: why, is not -this part of the play? - -_Smith._ Yes; but the plot stands still. - -_Bayes._ Plot stand still! why, what a devil is the plot good for, but to -bring in fine things? - -_Smith._ Oh, I did not know that before. - -_Bayes._ No, I think you did not, nor many things more, that I am master -of. Now, sir, egad, this is the bane of all us writers; let us soar -but never so little above the common pitch, egad, all's spoil'd, for -the vulgar never understand it; they can never conceive you, sir, the -excellency of these things. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess; but you write on still for all -that! - -_Bayes._ Write on? Ay, egad, I warrant you. 'Tis not their talk shall -stop me; if they catch me at that lock, I'll give them leave to hang me. -As long as I know my things are good, what care I what they say? What, -are they gone without singing my last new song? 'sbud would it were in -their bellies. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, if I have any skill in these -matters, I vow to gad this song is peremptorily the very best that ever -yet was written: you must know it was made by Tom Thimble's first wife -after she was dead. - -_Smith._ How, sir, after she was dead? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what have you to say to that? - -_Johns._ Say? why nothing. He were a devil that had anything to say to -that. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Smith._ How did she come to die, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's no matter; by a fall: but here's the conceit, that -upon his knowing she was kill'd by an accident, he supposes, with a sigh, -that she died for love of him. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, that's well enough; let's hear it, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ 'Tis to the tune of "Farewell, fair Armida;" on seas, and in -battles, in bullets, and all that. - - -SONG.[23] - - In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be, - Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee: - My death's bruise pray think you gave me, tho' a fall - Did give it me more from the top of a wall: - For then if the moat on her mud would first lay, - And after before you my body convey: - The blue on my breast when you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, there's a true blue for me. - -Ha, rogues! when I am merry, I write these things as fast as hops, egad; -for, you must know, I am as pleasant a cavalier as ever you saw; I am, -i'faith. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how comes this song in here? for methinks there -is no great occasion for it. - -_Bayes._ Alack, sir, you know nothing; you must ever interlard your plays -with songs, ghosts, and dances, if you mean to--a-- - -_Johns._ Pit, box, and gallery,[24] Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark you, Mr. Johnson, you know -I don't flatter; egad, you have a great deal of wit. - -_Johns._ O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour. - -_Bayes._ Nay, nay, come, come, Mr. Johnson, i'faith this must not be said -amongst us that have it. I know you have wit, by the judgment you make -of this play; for that's the measure we go by: my play is my touchstone. -When a man tells me such a one is a person of parts: is he so? say I; -what do I do, but bring him presently to see this play: if he likes it, -I know what to think of him; if not, your most humble servant, sir; I'll -no more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I am _Clara voyant_, egad. Now -here we go on to our business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ USURPERS,[25] _hand in hand_. - - _Ush._ But what's become of Volscius the Great; - His presence has not grac'd our court of late. - - _Phys._ I fear some ill, from emulation sprung, - Has from us that illustrious hero wrung. - -_Bayes._ Is not that majestical? - -_Smith._ Yes, but who the devil is that Volscius? - -_Bayes._ Why, that's a prince I make in love with Parthenope. - -_Smith._ I thank you, sir. - -_Enter_ CORDELIO. - -_Cor._ My lieges, news from Volscius the prince. - -_Ush._ His news is welcome, whatsoe'er it be.[26] - -_Smith._ How, sir, do you mean whether it be good or bad? - -_Bayes._ Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience: gadzookers, you'll -spoil all my play. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to answer every impertinent -question you ask. - -_Smith._ Cry you mercy, sir. - - _Cor._ His highness, sirs, commanded me to tell you, - That the fair person whom you both do know, - Despairing of forgiveness for her fault, - In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt - Upon her precious life; but, by the care - Of standers-by, prevented was. - - _Smith._ Why, what stuff's here? - - _Cor._ At last, - Volscius the Great this dire resolve embrac'd: - His servants he into the country sent, - And he himself to Piccadilly went; - Where he's inform'd by letters that she's dead. - - _Ush._ Dead! is that possible? dead! - - _Phys._ O ye gods! [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ There's a smart expression of a passion: O ye gods! that's one -of my bold strokes, egad. - -_Smith._ Yes; but who's the fair person that's dead? - -_Bayes._ That you shall know anon, sir. - -_Smith._ Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough. - -_Bayes._ Perhaps you may find, too, by-and-by, for all this, that she's -not dead neither. - -_Smith._ Marry, that's good news indeed. I am glad of that with all my -heart. - -_Bayes._ Now here's the man brought in that is supposed to have kill'd -her. [_A great shout within._ - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ AMARYLLIS, _with a book in her hand, and attendants._ - -_Ama._ What shout triumphant's that? - -_Enter a_ SOLDIER. - -_Sold._ Shy maid, upon the river brink, near Twic'nam town, the false -assassinate is ta'en. - -_Ama._ Thanks to the powers above for this deliverance. I hope, - - Its slow beginning will portend - A forward exit to all future end. - -_Bayes._ Pish! there you are out; to all future end! no, no; to all -future END! You must lay the accent upon "end," or else you lose the -conceit. - -_Smith._ I see you are very perfect in these matters. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, one would think, to know -something. - -_Enter_ SOLDIERS, _dragging in an old_ FISHERMAN. - - _Ama._ Villain, what monster did corrupt thy mind - T' attack the noblest soul of human kind? - -Tell me who set thee on. - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to kill Prince Prettyman? - -_Fish._ No; Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Volscius hire you to kill Prince Volscius? - -_Fish._ No, Prince Prettyman. - - _Ama._ So drag him hence, - Till torture of the rack produce his sense. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Mark how I make the horror of his guilt confound his intellects; -for he's out at one and t'other: and that's the design of this scene. - -_Smith._ I see, sir, you have a several design for every scene. - -_Bayes._ Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, I can dispatch you a -whole play, before another man, egad, can make an end of his plot. - - -SCENE IV. - -So now enter Prince Prettyman in a rage. Where the devil is he? why, -Prettyman? why, where I say? O fie, fie, fie, fie! all's marr'd, I vow to -gad, quite marr'd. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN. - -Phoo, phoo! you are come too late, sir; now you may go out again, if you -please. I vow to gad, Mr.--a--I would not give a button for my play, now -you have done this. - -_Pret._ What, sir? - -_Bayes._ What, sir! why, sir, you should have come out in choler, rouse -upon the stage, just as the other went off. Must a man be eternally -telling you of these things? - -_Johns._ Sure this must be some very notable matter that he's so angry at. - -_Smith._ I am not of your opinion. - -_Bayes._ Pish! come let's hear your part, sir. - - _Pret._[27]Bring in my father: why d'ye keep him from me? - Altho' a fisherman, he is my father: - Was ever son yet brought to this distress, - To be, for being a son, made fatherless! - Ah! you just gods, rob me not of a father: - The being of a son take from me rather. [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ Well, Ned, what think you now? - -_Johns._ A devil, this is worst of all: Mr. Bayes, pray what's the -meaning of this scene? - -_Bayes._ O cry you mercy, sir: I protest I had forgot to tell you. Why, -sir, you must know, that long before the beginning of this play, this -prince was taken by a fisherman. - -_Smith._ How, sir, taken prisoner? - -_Bayes._ Taken prisoner! O Lord, what a question's there! did ever any -man ask such a questions? Plague on him, he has put the plot quite out of -my head with this--this--question! what was I going to say? - -_Johns._ Nay, Heaven knows: I cannot imagine. - -_Bayes._ Stay, let me see: taken! O 'tis true. Why, sir, as I was going -to say, his highness here, the prince, was taken in a cradle by a -fisherman, and brought up as his child! - -_Smith._ Indeed! - -_Bayes._ Nay, prithee, hold thy peace. And so, sir, this murder being -committed by the river-side, the fisherman, upon suspicion, was seiz'd, -and thereupon the prince grew angry. - -_Smith._ So, so; now 'tis very plain. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, is not this some disparagement to a prince, to -pass for a fisherman's son? Have a care of that, I pray. - -_Bayes._ No, no, not at all; for 'tis but for a while: I shall fetch him -off again presently, you shall see. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN _and_ THIMBLE. - - _Pret._ By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire, - Rather than let 'em ravish hence my sire. - - _Thim._ Brave Prettyman, it is at length reveal'd, - That he is not thy sire who thee conceal'd. - -_Bayes._ Lo, you now; there, he's off again. - -_Johns._ Admirably done, i'faith! - -_Bayes._ Ay, now the plot thickens very much upon us. - - _Pret._ What oracle this darkness can evince! - Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince. - It is a secret, great as is the world; - In which I, like the soul, am toss'd and hurl'd, - The blackest ink of Fate sure was my lot, - And when she writ my name, she made a blot. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a blustering verse for you now. - -_Smith._ Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily troubled to find he is not -a fisherman's son? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that is not because he has a mind to be his son, but for -fear he should be thought to be nobody's son at all. - -_Smith._ Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed. - -_Bayes._ So, let me see. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, _going out of town._ - -_Smith._ I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, he gave it out so; but that was only to cover his design. - -_Johns._ What design? - -_Bayes._ Why, to head the army that lies conceal'd for him at -Knightsbridge. - -_Johns._ I see here's a great deal of plot, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Yes, now it begins to break: but we shall have a world of more -business anon. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, CLORIS, AMARYLLIS, _and_ HARRY, _with a -riding-cloak and boots._ - - _Ama._ Sir, you are cruel thus to leave the town, - And to retire to country solitude. - - _Clo._ We hop'd this summer that we should at least - Have held the honour of your company. - -_Bayes._ Held the honour of your company; prettily express'd: held the -honour of your company! gadzookers, these fellows will never take notice -of anything. - -_Johns._ I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely; I don't know what he -does. - -_Bayes._ Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis no great matter. Come. - - _Ama._ Pray let us two this single boon obtain! - That you will here, with poor us, still remain! - Before your horses come, pronounce our fate, - For then, alas, I fear 'twill be too late. - - _Bayes._ Sad! - Harry, my boots; for I'll go range among! - -_Vols._ My blades encamp'd, and quit this urban throng.[28] - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, is not this a little difficult, that you -were saying e'en now, to keep an army thus conceal'd in Knightsbridge? - -_Bayes._ In Knightsbridge? stay. - -_Johns._ No, not if the inn-keepers be his friends. - -_Bayes._ His friends! ay, sir, his intimate acquaintance; or else indeed -I grant it could not be. - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, so it might be very easy. - -_Bayes._ Nay, if I do not make all things easy, egad, I'll give you leave -to hang me. Now you would think that he's going out of town: but you -shall see how prettily I have contriv'd to stop him presently. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, you have so amaz'd me, that I know not what to -think. - -_Enter_ PARTHENOPE. - - _Vols._ Bless me! how frail are all my best resolves! - How, in a moment, is my purpose chang'd! - Too soon I thought myself secure from love. - Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name,[29] - Who does so gently rob me of my fame: - For I should meet the army out of town, - And if I fail, must hazard my renown. - - _Par._ My mother, sir, sells ale by the town-walls; - And me her dear Parthenope she calls. - -_Bayes._ Now that's the Parthenope I told you of. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, egad, you are very right. - - _Vols._ Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty shroud? - Thou bring'st the morning pictur'd in a cloud.[30] - -_Bayes._ The morning pictur'd in a cloud! ah, gadzookers, what a conceit -is there! - -_Par._ Give you good even, sir. [_Exit._ - -_Vols._ O inauspicious stars! that I was born To sudden love, and to more -sudden scorn! - -_Ama._ } How! Prince Volscius in love? ha, ha, ha![31] _Clo._ } [_Exeunt -laughing._ - -_Smith._ Sure, Mr. Bayes, we have lost some jest here, that they laugh at -so. - -_Bayes._ Why, did you not observe? he first resolves to go out of town, -and then as he's pulling on his boots, falls in love with her; ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ Well, and where lies the jest of that? - -_Bayes._ Ha? [_Turns to_ JOHNS. - -_Johns._ Why, in the boots: where should the jest lie? - - _Bayes._ Egad, you are in the right: it does lie in the boots---- - [_Turns to_ SMITH. - Your friend and I know where a good jest lies, though you don't, sir. - -_Smith._ Much good do't you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Here now, Mr. Johnson, you shall see a combat betwixt love and -honour. An ancient author has made a whole play on't;[32] but I have -dispatch'd it all in this scene. - -VOLSCIUS _sits down to pull on his boots:_ BAYES _stands by, and -over-acts the part as he speaks it._ - - _Vols._ How has my passion made me Cupid's scoff! - This hasty boot is on, the other off, - And sullen lies, with amorous design, - To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine. - -_Smith._ Prithee, mark what pains Mr. Bayes takes to act this speech -himself! - -_Johns._ Yes, the fool, I see, is mightily transported with it. - - _Vols._ My legs the emblem of my various thought - Show to what sad distraction I am brought. - Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot, - My mind is guarded, and resolv'd to do't: - Sometimes again, that very mind, by love - Disarmed, like this other leg does prove. - Shall I to honour or to love give way? - Go on, cries honour;[33] tender love says, nay; - Honour aloud commands, pluck both boots on; - But softer love does whisper, put on none. - What shall I do! what conduct shall I find, - To lead me thro' this twilight of my mind? - For as bright day, with black approach of night - Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light; - So does my honour and my love together - Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither. - [_Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and t'other off._ - -_Johns._ By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I saw, -and as equal; for 'tis determin'd on neither side. - -_Bayes._ Ay, is't not now egad, ha? for to go off hip-hop, hip-hop, upon -this occasion, is a thousand times better than any conclusion in the -world, egad. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, that hip-hop, in this place, as you say, does -a very great deal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, all in all, sir! they are these little things that mar, -or set you off a play; as I remember once in a play of mine, I set -off a scene, egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat, and the -gripes.[34] - -_Smith._ Pray how was that, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I contriv'd a petticoat to be brought in upon a chair -(nobody knew how) into a prince's chamber, whose father was not to see -it, that came in by chance. - -_Johns._ By-my-life, that was a notable contrivance indeed. - -_Smith._ Ay, but Mr. Bayes, how could you contrive the stomach-ache? - -_Bayes._ The easiest i' th' world, egad: I'll tell you how. I made the -prince sit down upon the petticoat, no more than so, and pretended to his -father that he had just then got the gripes: whereupon his father went -out to call a physician, and his man ran away with the petticoat. - -_Smith._ Well, and what follow'd upon that? - -_Bayes._ Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad. - -_Johns._ On my word, Mr. Bayes, there you hit it. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it gave a world of content. And then I paid 'em away -besides; for it made them all talk beastly: ha, ha, ha, beastly! -downright beastly upon the stage, egad, ha, ha, ha! but with an infinite -deal of wit, that I must say. - -_Johns._ That, ay, that, we know well enough, can never fail you. - -_Bayes._ No, egad, can't it. Come, bring in the dance. - - [_Exit to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ Now, the plague take thee for a silly, confident, unnatural, -fulsome rogue. - -_Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - -_Bayes._ Pray dance well before these gentlemen; you are commonly so -lazy, but you should be light and easy, tah, tah, tah. - - [_All the while they dance_, BAYES _puts them out - with teaching them._ - -Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am not deceiv'd, take very -well upon the stage, when they are perfect in their motions, and all that. - -_Smith._ I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I am sure you sweat hard -for't. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and trouble to do these things -than almost the things are worth. - -_Smith._ By my troth, I think so, sir. - -_Bayes._ Not for the things themselves; for I could write you, sir, forty -of 'em in a day: but, egad, these players are such dull persons, that if -a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at every turn, egad, they'll -mistake you, sir, and spoil all. - -_Enter a_ PLAYER. - -What, is the funeral ready? - -_Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ And is the lance fill'd with wine? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis just now a-doing. - -_Bayes._ Stay, then, I'll do it myself. - -_Smith._ Come, let's go with him. - -_Bayes._ A match. But, Mr. Johnson, egad, I am not like other persons; -they care not what becomes of their things, so they can but get money -for 'em: now, egad, when I write, if it be not just as it should be in -every circumstance, to every particular, egad, I am no more able to -endure it, I am not myself, I'm out of my wits, and all that; I'm the -strangest person in the whole world: for what care I for money? I write -for reputation. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Gentlemen, because I would not have any two things alike in this -play, the last act beginning with a witty scene of mirth, I make this to -begin with a funeral. - -_Smith._ And is that all your reason for it, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. A person of honour, -and a scholar, brought in his funeral just so;[35] and he was one, let -me tell you, that knew as well what belong'd to a funeral as any man in -England, egad. - -_Johns._ Nay, if that be so, you are safe. - -_Bayes._ Egad, but I have another device, a frolic, which I think yet -better than all this; not for the plot or characters (for, in my heroic -plays, I make no difference as to those matters), but for another -contrivance. - -_Smith._ What is that, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I have design'd a conquest that cannot possibly, egad, be -acted in less than a whole week; and I'll speak a bold word, it shall -drum, trumpet, shout, and battle, egad, with any the most warlike tragedy -we have, either ancient or modern.[36] - -_Johns._ Ay, marry, sir, there you say something. - -_Smith._ And pray, sir, how have you order'd this same frolic of yours? - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, by the rule of romance; for example, they divide -their things into three, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as many tomes -as they please. Now I would very fain know what should hinder me from -doing the same with my things, if I please? - -_Johns._ Nay, if you should not be master of your own works, 'tis very -hard. - -_Bayes._ That is my sense. And then, sir, this contrivance of mine has -something of the reason of a play in it too; for as every one makes you -five acts to one play, what do I, but make five plays to one plot: by -which means the auditors have every day a new thing. - -_Johns._ Most admirably good, i'faith! and must certainly take, because -it is not tedious. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I know that; there's the main point. And then upon -Saturday to make a close of all (for I ever begin upon a Monday), I make -you, sir, a sixth play that sums up the whole matter to 'em, and all -that, for fear they should have forgot it. - -_Johns._ That consideration, Mr. Bayes, indeed I think will be very -necessary. - -_Smith._ And when comes in your share, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ The third week. - -_Johns._ I vow you'll get a world of money. - -_Bayes._ Why, faith, a man must live; and if you don't thus pitch upon -some new device, egad, you'll never do't; for this age (take it o' my -word) is somewhat hard to please. But there is one pretty odd passage in -the last of these plays, which may be executed two several ways, wherein -I'd have your opinion, gentlemen. - -_Johns._ What is't, sir. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I make a male person to be in love with a female. - -_Smith._ Do you mean that, Mr. Bayes, for a new thing? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, as I have order'd it. You shall hear: he having -passionately lov'd her through my five whole plays, finding at last that -she consents to his love, just after that his mother had appear'd to him -like a ghost, he kills himself: that's one way. The other is, that she -coming at last to love him, with as violent a passion as he lov'd her, -she kills herself. Now my question is, which of these two persons should -suffer upon this occasion? - -_Johns._ By my troth, it is a very hard case to decide. - -_Bayes._ The hardest in the world, egad, and has puzzled this pate very -much. What say you, Mr. Smith? - -_Smith._ Why truly, Mr. Bayes, if it might stand with your justice now, -I would spare 'em both. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and I think--ha--why then, I'll make him hinder her from -killing herself. Ay, it shall be so. Come, come, bring in the funeral. - -_Enter a Funeral, with the two_ USURPERS _and Attendants_. - -Lay it down there; no, no, here, sir. So now speak. - - _K. Ush._ Set down the funeral pile, and let our grief - Receive from its embraces some relief. - - _K. Phys._ Was't not unjust to ravish hence her breath, - And in life's stead, to leave us nought but death? - The world discovers now its emptiness, - And by her loss demonstrates we have less. - -_Bayes._ Is not this good language now? is not that elevate? 'tis my -_non ultra_, egad; you must know they were both in love with her. - -_Smith._ With her! with whom? - -_Bayes._ Why, this is Lardella's funeral. - -_Smith._ Lardella! ay, who is she? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a lady that was drown'd at -sea, and had a wave for her winding-sheet.[37] - - _K. Ush._ Lardella, O Lardella, from above - Behold the tragic issues of our love: - Pity us, sinking under grief and pain, - For thy being cast away upon the main. - -_Bayes._ Look you now, you see I told you true. - -_Smith._ Ay, sir, and I thank you for it very kindly. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but you will not have patience; honest Mr.--a--you -will not have patience. - -_Johns._ Pray, Mr. Bayes, who is that Drawcansir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his mistress, snubs up -kings, baffles armies, and does what he will, without regard to numbers, -good manners, or justice.[38] - -_Johns._ A very pretty character! - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, I thought your heroes had ever been men of great -humanity and justice. - -_Bayes._ Yes, they have been so; but for my part, I prefer that one -quality of singly beating of whole armies, above all your moral virtues -put together, egad. You shall see him come in presently. Zookers, why -don't you read the paper? - - [_To the Players._ - - _K. Phys._ O, cry you mercy. [_Goes to take the paper._ - -_Bayes._ Pish! nay you are such a fumbler. Come, I'll read it myself. -[_Takes the paper from off the coffin._ Stay, it's an ill hand, I must -use my spectacles. This now is a copy of verses, which I make Lardella -compose just as she is dying, with design to have it pinn'd upon her -coffin, and so read by one of the usurpers, who is her cousin. - -_Smith._ A very shrewd design that, upon my word, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ And what do you think now, I fancy her to make love like, here, -in this paper? - -_Smith._ Like a woman: what should she make love like? - -_Bayes._ O' my word you are out tho', sir; egad you are. - -_Smith._ What then, like a man? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; like a humble-bee. - -_Smith._ I confess, that I should not have fancy'd. - -_Bayes._ It may be so, sir; but it is tho', in order to the opinion of -some of our ancient philosophers, who held the transmigration of the soul. - -_Smith._ Very fine. - -_Bayes._ I'll read the title: "To my dear Couz, King Physician." - -_Smith._ That's a little too familiar with a king, tho', sir, by your -favour, for a humble-bee. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Smith, in other things, I grant your knowledge may be above -me; but as for poetry, give me leave to say I understand that better: it -has been longer my practice; it has indeed, sir. - - _Smith._ Your servant, sir. - - _Bayes._ Pray mark it. [_Reads._ - - "Since death my earthly part will thus remove, - I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love: - With silent wings I'll follow you, dear couz; - Or else, before you, in the sunbeams, buz. - And when to melancholy groves you come, - An airy ghost, you'll know me by my hum; - For sound, being air, a ghost does well become."[39] - - _Smith_ (after a pause). Admirable! - - _Bayes._ "At night, into your bosom I will creep, - And buz but softly if you chance to sleep: - Yet in your dreams, I will pass sweeping by, - And then both hum and buz before your eye." - -_Johns._ By my troth, that's a very great promise. - -_Smith._ Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to boot. - - _Bayes._ "Your bed of love from dangers I will free; - But most from love of any future bee. - And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack, - With empty arms I'll bear you on my back." - -_Smith._ A pick-a-pack, a pick-a-pack. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but is not that _tuant_ now, ha? is it not _tuant_? -Here's the end. - - "Then at your birth of immortality, - Like any winged archer hence I'll fly, - And teach you your first fluttering in the sky." - -_Johns._ Oh, rare! this is the most natural, refined fancy that ever I -heard, I'll swear. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a good way enough of -making love; for, being divested of her terrestrial part, and all that, -she is only capable of these little, pretty, amorous designs that are -innocent, and yet passionate. Come, draw your swords. - - _K. Phys._ Come, sword, come sheath thyself within this breast, - Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest. - - _K. Ush._ Come, dagger, come and penetrate this heart, - Which cannot from Lardella's love depart. - -_Enter_ PALLAS. - - _Pal._ Hold, stop your murd'ring hands - At Pallas's commands: - For the supposed dead, O kings, - Forbear to act such deadly things. - Lardella lives; I did but try - If princes for their loves could die. - Such celestial constancy - Shall, by the gods, rewarded be: - And from these funeral obsequies, - A nuptial banquet shall arise. - [_The coffin opens, and a banquet is discovered._ - -_Bayes._ So, take away the coffin. Now 'tis out. This is the very funeral -of the fair person which Volscius sent word was dead; and Pallas, you -see, has turned it into a banquet. - -_Smith._ Well, but where is this banquet? - -_Bayes._ Nay, look you, sir; we must first have a dance, for joy that -Lardella is not dead. Pray, sir, give me leave to bring in my things -properly at least. - -_Smith._ That, indeed, I had forgot; I ask your pardon. - -_Bayes._ Oh, d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will confess yourself once in an -error, Mr. Smith. - - [_Dance._] - - _K. Ush._ Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do find - The fiercest beauty, and a fiercer mind: - And since to thee Lardella's life we owe, - We'll supple statues in thy temple grow. - - _K. Phys._ Well, since alive Lardella's found, - Let in full bowls her health go round. - [_The two Usurpers take each of them - a bowl in their hands._ - - _K. Ush._ But where's the wine? - - _Pal._ That shall be mine. - Lo, from this conquering lance - Does flow the purest wine of France: - [_Fills the bowls out of her lance._ - And to appease your hunger, I - Have in my helmet brought a pie: - Lastly, to bear a part with these, - Behold a buckler made of cheese.[40] [_Vanish_ PALLAS. - -_Bayes._ That's the banquet. Are you satisfied now, sir? - -_Johns._ By my troth now, that is new, and more than I expected. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I knew this would please you; for the chief art in poetry -is to elevate your expectation, and then bring you off some extraordinary -way. - -_Enter_ DRAWCANSIR. - -_K. Phys._ What man is this that dares disturb our feast? - - _Draw._ He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die; - And knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.[41] - -_Johns._ That is, Mr. Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would -rather die than not drink, yet he would fain drink for all that too. - -_Bayes._ Right; that's the conceit on't. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. - -_Bayes._ Now, there are some critics that have advis'd me to put out the -second _dare_, and print _must_ in the place on't;[42] but, egad, I think -'tis better thus a great deal. - -_Johns._ Whoo! a thousand times. - -_Bayes._ Go on then. - - _K. Ush._ Sir, if you please, we should be glad to know, - How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go? - -_Bayes._ Is not that now like a well-bred person, egad? so modest, so -gent! - -_Smith._ O very like. - - _Draw._ You shall not know how long I here will stay; - But you shall know I'll take your bowls away.[43] - - [_Snatches the bowls out of the kings' hands and drinks them off._ - - _Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, is that, too, modest and gent? - - _Bayes._ No, egad, sir, but 'tis great. - - _K. Ush._ Tho', brother, this grum stranger be a clown, - He'll leave us sure a little to gulp down. - - _Draw._ Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dare think, - I'll stare away his very power to drink,[44] - - [_The two Kings sneak off the stage with - their attendants._ - - I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare; - And all this I can do because I dare.[45] [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ I suppose, Mr. Bayes, this is the fierce hero you spoke of? - -_Bayes._ Yes; but this is nothing. You shall see him in the last act -win above a dozen battles, one after another, egad, as fast as they can -possibly come upon the stage. - -_Johns._ That will be a fight worth the seeing, indeed. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, why do you make the kings let him use them -so scurvily? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's to raise the character of Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ O' my word, that was well thought on. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, I'll show you a scene indeed; or rather, indeed, the -scene of scenes. 'Tis an heroic scene. - -_Smith._ And pray, what's your design in this scene? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, forc'd conceit, smooth -verse and a rant; in fine, if this scene don't take, egad, I'll write no -more. Come, come in, Mr.--a--nay, come in as many as you can. Gentlemen, -I must desire you to remove a little, for I must fill the stage. - -_Smith._ Why fill the stage? - -_Bayes._ Oh, sir, because your heroic verse never sounds well but when -the stage is full. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - -Nay, hold, hold; pray by your leave a little. Look you, sir, the drift of -this scene is somewhat more than ordinary; for I make 'em both fall out -because they are not in love with the same woman. - -_Smith._ Not in love? You mean, I suppose, because they are in love, Mr. -Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; I say not in love; there's a new conceit for you. Now -speak. - - _Pret._ Since fate, Prince Volscius, now has found the way - For our so long'd-for meeting here this day, - Lend thy attention to my grand concern. - - _Vols._ I gladly would that story from thee learn; - But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline; - Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine. - - _Bayes._ Antithesis! thine and mine. - - _Pret._ Since love itself's the same, why should it be - Diff'ring in you from what it is in me? - - _Bayes._ Reasoning! egad, I love reasoning in verse. - - _Vols._ Love takes, cameleon-like, a various dye - From every plant on which itself doth lie. - - _Bayes._ Simile! - - _Pret._ Let not thy love the course of nature fright: - Nature does most in harmony delight. - - _Vols._ How weak a deity would nature prove, - Contending with the powerful god of love! - - _Bayes._ There's a great verse! - - _Vols._ If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine - Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine. - Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale; - And her bright flames make all flames else look pale. - - _Bayes._ Egad, that is right. - - _Pret._ Perhaps dull incense may thy love suffice; - But mine must be ador'd with sacrifice. - All hearts turn ashes, which her eyes control: - The body they consume, as well as soul. - - _Vols._ My love has yet a power more divine; - Victims her altars burn not, but refine; - Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, - But, with her looks, revive still as they roast. - In spite of pain and death they're kept alive; - Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive. - - _Bayes._ That is as well, egad, as I can do. - - _Vols._ Let my Parthenope at length prevail. - - _Bayes._ Civil, egad. - - _Pret._ I'll sooner have a passion for a whale; - In whose vast bulk, tho' store of oil doth lie, - We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. - -_Smith._ That's uncivil, egad. - -_Bayes._ Yes; but as far-fetched a fancy, tho', egad, as e'er you saw. - - _Vols._ Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pretence - Of perfect love defame love's excellence: - Parthenope is, sure, as far above - All other loves, as above all is Love. - - _Bayes._ Ah! egad, that strikes me. - - _Pret._ To blame my Cloris, gods would not pretend-- - - _Bayes._ Now mark-- - - _Vols._ Were all gods join'd, they could not hope to mend - My better choice: for fair Parthenope - Gods would themselves un-god themselves to see.[46] - - _Bayes._ Now the rant's a-coming. - - _Pret._ Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, - I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil.[47] - - _Bayes._ Ay, gadzookers, that's well writ! - [_Scratching his head, his peruke falls off._ - - _Vols._ Could'st thou that god from heaven to earth translate, - He could not fear to want a heav'nly state; - Parthenope, on earth, can heav'n create. - - _Pret._ Cloris does heav'n itself so far excel, - She can transcend the joys of heav'n in hell. - -_Bayes._ There's a bold flight for you now! 'sdeath, I have lost my -peruke. Well, gentlemen, this is what I never yet saw any one could -write, but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all through, egad. So, -so, pray clear the stage. - - [_He puts 'em off the stage._ - -_Johns._ I wonder how the coxcomb has got the knack of writing smooth -verse thus. - -_Smith._ Why, there's no need of brain for this: 'tis but scanning the -labours on the finger; but where's the sense of it? - -_Johns._ Oh! for that he desires to be excus'd: he is too proud a man to -creep servilely after sense, I assure you.[48] But pray, Mr. Bayes, why -is this scene all in verse? _Bayes._ Oh, sir, the subject is too great -for prose. - -_Smith._ Well said, i'faith; I'll give thee a pot of ale for that answer; -'tis well worth it. - - _Bayes._ Come, with all my heart. - I'll make that god subscribe himself a devil; - That single line, egad, is worth all that my brother poets ever writ. - Let down the curtain. [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT. V.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll show you the -greatest scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, for those I -don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. In fine, I'll justify -it to be as grand to the eye every whit, egad, as that great scene in -"Harry the Eighth," and grander too, egad; for instead of two bishops, I -bring in here four cardinals. - - [_The curtain is drawn up_, _the two usurping Kings appear in - state with the four Cardinals,_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN, PRINCE VOLSCIUS, - AMARYLLIS, CLORIS, PARTHENOPE. _&c._, _before them_, _Heralds and - Sergeants-at-arms_, _with maces_. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the cardinals are -in hats, and the other in caps? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, because---- By gad I won't tell you. Your country -friend, sir, grows so troublesome-- - -_K. Ush._ Now, sir, to the business of the day. - -_K. Phys._ Speak, Volscius. - -_Vols._ Dread sovereign lords, my zeal to you must not invade my duty -to your son; let me entreat that great Prince Prettyman first to speak; -whose high pre-eminence in all things, that do bear the name of good, may -justly claim that privilege. - -_Bayes._ Here it begins to unfold; you may perceive, now, that he is his -son. - -_Johns._ Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to you for that -discovery. - - _Pret._ Royal father, upon my knees I beg, - That the illustrious Volscius first be heard. - -_Vols._ That preference is only due to Amaryllis, sir. - -_Bayes._ I'll make her speak very well, by-and-by, you shall see. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns---- [_Soft music._ - - _K. Ush._ But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?[49] - - _K. Phys._ Sure 'tis the music of the moving spheres. - - _Pret._ Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far - A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car; - In which our two right kings sit one by one, - With virgins' vests, and laurel garlands on. - - _K. Ush._ Then, brother Phys., 'tis time we should be gone. - [_The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, and go away._ - -_Bayes._ Look you now, did not I tell you, that this would be as easy a -change as the other? - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, you did so; tho' I confess I could not believe you: -but you have brought it about, I see. - - [_The two right kings of Brentford descend in the clouds, singing, - in white garments; and three fiddlers sitting before them, in - green._ - - _Bayes._ Now, because the two right kings descend from above, - I make 'em sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits. - - _1st King._ Haste, brother king, we are sent from above. - - _2nd King._ Let us move, let us move; - Move to remove the fate - Of Brentford's long united state.[50] - - _1st King._ Tarra, ran, tarra, full east and by south. - - _2nd King._ We sail with thunder in our mouth, - In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays; - Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, - Mounted upon warm Phoebus's rays, - Through the heavenly throng, - Hasting to those - Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty-toes. - - _1st King._ And we'll fall with our plate - In an _ollio_ of hate. - - _2nd King._ But now supper's done, the servitors try, - Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pie. - - _1st King._ They gather, they gather hot custards in spoons: - But alas, I must leave these half-moons, - And repair to my trusty dragoons. - - _2nd King._ Oh, stay, for you need not as yet go astray: - The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our way, - And on their high ropes we will play - Like maggots in filberts we'll snug in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - And farewell. - - _1st King._ But the ladies have all inclination to dance, - And the green frogs croak out a coranto of France. - -_Bayes._ Is not that pretty, now? The fiddlers are all in green. - -_Smith._ Ay, but they play no coranto. - -_Johns._ No, but they play a tune that's a great deal better. - -_Bayes._ No coranto, quoth-a! that's a good one, with all my heart. Come, -sing on. - - _2nd King._ Now mortals that hear - How we tilt and career, - With wonder will fear - The event of such things as shall never appear. - - _1st King._ Stay you to fulfil what the gods have decreed. - - _2nd King._ Then call me to help you, if there shall be need. - - _1st King._ So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford king, - To save the distress'd, and help to 'em to bring, - That ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, - He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla. - [BAYES _fillips his finger, and sings after them._ - -_Bayes._ "He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla." This, sir, you -must know, I thought once to have brought in with a conjuror.[51] - -_Johns._ Ay, that would have been better. - -_Bayes._ No, faith, not when you consider it; for thus it is more -compendious, and does the thing every whit as well. - -_Smith._ Thing! what thing? - -_Bayes._ Why, bring 'em down again into the throne, sir. What thing would -you have? - -_Smith._ Well, but methinks the sense of this song is not very plain! - -_Bayes._ Plain! why, did you ever hear any people in clouds speak plain? -They must be all for flight of fancy at its full range, without the least -check or control upon it. When once you tie up spirits and people in -clouds, to speak plain, you spoil all. - -_Smith._ Bless me, what a monster's this! - - [_The two Kings light out of the clouds, and - step into the throne._ - -_1st King._ Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance. - -_2nd King._ I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. - -_Bayes._ Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But first, let's -have a dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do it always just so: for -it must be done as if it were the effect of thought and premeditation. -But first, let's have a dance; pray remember that. - -_Smith._ Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue, there's no -enduring of him. - -_Johns._ No, prithee make use of thy patience a little longer, let's see -the end of him now. [_Dance a grand dance._ - -_Bayes._ This, now, is an ancient dance, of right belonging to the Kings -of Brentford; but since derived, with a little alteration, to the Inns of -Court. - -_An Alarm. Enter two Heralds._ - - _1st King._ What saucy groom molests our privacies? - - _1st Her._ The army's at the door, and in disguise, - Desires a word with both your majesties. - - -_2nd King._ Bid 'em attend awhile, and drink our health. - -_Smith._ How, Mr. Bayes, the army in disguise! - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them, that went -out but just now. - -_Smith._ Why, what if they had discover'd them? - -_Bayes._ Why, then they had broke the design. - -_1st King._ Here take five guineas for those warlike men. - -_2nd King._ And here's five more, that makes the sum just ten. - - _1st Her._ We have not seen so much, the Lord knows when. - - [_Exeunt Heralds._ - - _1st King._ Speak on, brave Amaryllis. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns, blame not my modesty, if at this - grand conjuncture---- [_Drum beats behind the stage._ - -_1st King._ What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes? - -_Enter a Soldier with his sword drawn._ - - _Sold._ Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons save, - For the event of war no mortal knows:[52] - The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, - First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ Is not that now a pretty kind of a stanza, and a handsome -come-off? - - _2nd King._ O dangerous estate of sovereign power! - Obnoxious to the change of every hour. - - _1st King._ Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; - Perhaps these threatning storms may pass away. [_Exeunt._ - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us just now, to make -Amaryllis speak very well? - -_Bayes._ Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her. - -_Smith._ How, sir, whether you would or no? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that I vow to gad, it was not to be -avoided. - -_Smith._ Marry, that was hard. - -_Johns._ But, pray, who hinder'd her? - -_Bayes._ Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming in at the door: and -I'll tell you now a strange thing; tho' I don't pretend to do more than -other men, egad, I'll give you both a whole week to guess how I'll -represent this battle. - -_Smith._ I had rather be bound to fight your battle, I assure you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Whoo! there's it now: fight a battle! there's the common error. -I knew presently where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but tell -me this one thing: can you think it a decent thing, in a battle before -ladies, to have men run their swords thro' one another, and all that? - -_Johns._ No, faith, 'tis not civil. - -_Bayes._ Right; on the other side, to have a long relation of squadrons -here, and squadrons there: what is it, but dull prolixity? - -_Johns._ Excellently reason'd, by my troth! - -_Bayes._ Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those indecorums, I sum up the -whole battle in the representation of two persons only, no more: and yet -so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear ten thousand men were at -it really engag'd. Do you mark me? - -_Smith._ Yes, sir: but I think I should hardly swear tho', for all that. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, but you would tho', when you see it: for -I make 'em both come out in armour _cap-a-pie_, with their swords -drawn, and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrist; which, you know, -represents fighting enough. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; so much, that if I were in your place, I would make 'em -go out again, without ever speaking one word. - -_Bayes._ No, there you are out; for I make each of 'em hold a lute in his -hand. - -_Smith._ How, sir, instead of a buckler? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! instead of a buckler? pray, sir, do you ask -no more questions. I make 'em, sirs, play the battle _in recitativo_. -And here's the conceit just at the very same instant that one sings, -the other, sir, recovers you his sword, and puts himself into a warlike -posture: so that you have at once your ear entertain'd with music and -good language, and your eye satisfied with the garb and accoutrements of -war. - -_Smith._ I confess, sir, you stupefy me. - -_Bayes._ You shall see. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting? for I love -those plays where they cut and slash one another upon the stage for a -whole hour together. - -_Bayes._ Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both ways: but -you shall have my _recitativo_ first. - -_Johns._ Ay, now you are right: there is nothing that can be objected -against it. - -_Bayes._ True: and so, egad, I'll make it too a tragedy in a trice.[53] - -_Enter at several doors the_ GENERAL _and_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL, _arm'd -cap-a-pie_, _with each of them a lute in his hand_, _and a sword drawn_, -_and hung with a scarlet ribbon at his wrist_.[54] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Villain, thou liest! - - _Gen._ Arm, arm, Gonsalvo,[55] arm, what, ho! - The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Advance from Acton with the musqueteers. - - _Gen._ Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers.[56] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The band you boast of Chelsea cuirassiers, - Shall, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers.[57] - - _Gen._ Chiswickians, aged and renown'd in fight, - Join with the Hammersmith brigade. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ You'll find my Mortlake boys will do them right, - Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. - - _Gen._ Let the left wing of Twick'nam foot advance, - And line that eastern hedge. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The horse I rais'd in Petty-France - Shall try their chance, - And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge. - - _Gen._ Stand: give the word. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Bright sword. - - _Gen._ That may be thine. - But 'tis not mine. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Give fire, give fire, at once give fire, - And let those recreant troops perceive mine ire.[58] - - _Gen._ Pursue, pursue; they fly - That first did give the lie. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ This now is not improper, I think; because the spectators know -all these towns, and may easily conceive them to be within the dominions -of the two Kings of Brentford. - -_Johns._ Most exceeding well design'd! - -_Bayes._ How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to this battle? - -_Smith._ How? - -_Bayes._ By an eclipse; which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancy that -was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself, and one person more, -that shall be nameless. - -_Enter_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ What midnight darkness does invade the day, - And snatch the victor from his conquer'd prey? - Is the sun weary of this bloody fight, - And winks upon us with the eye of light! - 'Tis an eclipse! this was unkind, O moon, - To clap between me and the sun so soon. - Foolish eclipse! thou this in vain hast done; - My brighter honour had eclips'd the sun: - But now behold eclipses two in one. [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ This is an admirable representation of a battle as ever I saw. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; but how would you fancy now to represent an eclipse? - -_Smith._ Why, that's to be suppos'd. - -_Bayes._ Suppos'd! ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, ha! why, you -may as well suppose the whole play. No, it must come in upon the stage, -that's certain; but in some odd way, that may delight, amuse, and all -that. I have a conceit for't, that I am sure is new, and I believe to the -purpose. - -_Johns._ How's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a -dialogue between Phoebus and Aurora, in the "Slighted Maid," which, by -my troth, was very pretty; but I think you'd confess this is a little -better. - -_Johns._ No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes, a great deal better. - - [BAYES _hugs_ JOHNSON, _then turns to_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Ah, dear rogue! But--a--sir, you have heard, I suppose, that -your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition of the -earth between the sun and moon; as likewise your eclipse of the sun is -caus'd by an interlocation of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun. - -_Smith._ I have heard some such thing indeed. - -_Bayes._ Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and moon come -out upon the stage, and dance the hey. Hum! and of necessity, by the very -nature of this dance, the earth must be sometimes between the sun and the -moon, and the moon between the earth and sun: and there you have both -eclipses by demonstration. - -_Johns._ That must needs be very fine, truly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, that there may be -something in't, too, of a joke, I bring 'em in all singing; and make the -moon sell the earth a bargain. Come, come out, eclipse, to the tune of -"Tom Tyler." - -_Enter_ LUNA. - - _Luna._ Orbis, O Orbis! - Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis. - -_Enter the_ EARTH. - - _Orb._ Who calls Terra-firma, pray?[59] - - _Luna._ Luna, that ne'er shines by day. - - _Orb._ What means Luna in a veil? - - _Luna._ Luna means to show her tail. - - _Bayes._ There's the bargain. - -_Enter_ SOL, _to the tune of_ "Robin Hood." - - _Sol._ Fie, sister, fie; thou makest me muse, - Derry down, derry down, - To see thee Orb abuse. - - _Luna._ I hope his anger 'twill not move; - Since I show'd it out of love. - Hey down, derry down. - - _Orb._ Where shall I thy true love know, - Thou pretty, pretty moon? - - _Luna._ To-morrow soon, ere it be noon, - On Mount Vesuvio.[60] - - _Sol._ Then I will shine [_To the tune of_ "Trenchmore." _Bis._ - - _Orb._ And I will be fine. - - _Luna._ And I will drink nothing but Lippara wine.[61] - - _Omnes._ And we, &c. [_As they dance the hey_, BAYES _speaks_. - -_Bayes._ Now the earth's before the moon: now the moon's before the sun: -there's the eclipse again. - -_Smith._ He's mightily taken with this, I see. - -_Johns._ Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he choose? - -_Bayes._ So, now, vanish eclipse, and enter t'other battle, and fight. -Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting enough. - -[_A battle is fought between foot and great hobby-horses. At last_, -DRAWCANSIR _comes in and kills them all on both sides. All the while the -battle is fighting_, BAYES _is telling them when to shout_, _and shouts -with 'em_. - - _Draw._ Others may boast a single man to kill; - But I the blood of thousands daily spill. - Let petty kings the names of parties know: - Where'er I come, I slay both friend and foe. - The swiftest horse-men my swift rage controls, - And from their bodies drives their trembling souls. - If they had wings, and to the gods could fly, - I would pursue and beat 'em through the sky; - And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see - This single arm more dreadful is than he. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs. You may talk of -your Hectors, and Achilles's, and I know not who; but I defy all your -histories, and your romances too, to show me one such conqueror, as this -Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ I swear, I think you may. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? for I see -none alive to help 'em. - -_Bayes._ Go off! why, as they came on, upon their legs: how should they -go off? Why, do you think the people here don't know they are not dead? -he is mighty ignorant, poor man: your friend here is very silly, Mr. -Johnson; egad, he is. Ha, ha, ha! Come, sir, I'll show you how they shall -go off. Rise, rise, sirs, and go about your business.[62] There's go off -for you now; ha, ha, ha! Mr. Ivory, a word. Gentlemen, I'll be with you -presently. - - [_Exit._ - - _Johns._ Will you so? Then we'll be gone. - - _Smith._ Ay, prithee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing. - One battle more will take mine quite away. [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - - _Bayes._ Where are the gentlemen? - - _1st Play._ They are gone, sir. - - _Bayes._ Gone! 'sdeath, this act is best of all. I'll go fetch - 'em again. [_Exit._ - - _1st Play._ What shall we do, now he is gone away? - - _2nd Play._ Why, so much the better; then let's go to dinner. - - _3rd Play._ Stay, here's a foul piece of paper. Let's see what - 'tis. - - _3rd or 4th Play._ Ay, ay, come, let's hear it. - [_Reads. The argument of the fifth act._ - -_3rd Play._ "Cloris, at length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's -passion, consents to marry him; but just as they are going to church, -Prince Prettyman meeting, by chance, with old Joan, the chandler's widow, -and remembering it was she that first brought him acquainted with Cloris; -out of a high point of honour, breaks off his match with Cloris, and -marries old Joan. Upon which, Cloris, in despair, drowns herself; and -Prince Prettyman, discontentedly, walks by the river-side."----This will -never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone. - -_Most of the Players._ Ay, plague on't, let's go away. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ A plague on 'em both for me! they have made me sweat, to run -after 'em. A couple of senseless rascals, that had rather go to dinner, -than see this play out, with a plague to 'em. What comfort has a man to -write for such dull rogues! Come, Mr.--a--where are you, sir? Come away, -quick, quick. - -_Enter_ STAGE-KEEPER. - -_Stage-keep._ Sir: they are gone to dinner. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I know the gentlemen are gone; but I ask for the players. - -_Stage-keep._ Why, an't please your worship, sir, the players are gone to -dinner too. - -_Bayes._ How! are the players gone to dinner? 'tis impossible: the -players gone to dinner! egad, if they are, I'll make 'em know what it is -to injure a person that does them the honour to write for 'em, and all -that. A company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross-grain'd persons, -and all that. Egad, I'll make 'em the most contemptible, despicable, -inconsiderable persons, and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. -Egad, I'll be revenged on 'em; I'll sell this play to the other house. - -_Stage-keep._ Nay, good sir, don't take away the book; you'll disappoint -the company that comes to see it acted here this afternoon. - -_Bayes._ That's all one, I must reserve this comfort to myself, my play -and I shall go together; we will not part, indeed, sir. - -_Stage-keep._ But what will the town say, sir? - -_Bayes._ The town! why, what care I for the town? Egad, the town has us'd -me as scurvily as the players have done: but I'll be reveng'd on them -too; for I'll lampoon 'em all. And since they will not admit of my plays, -they shall know what a satirist I am. And so farewell to this stage, -egad, for ever. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - -_Enter_ PLAYERS. - -_1st Play._ Come, then, let's set up bills for another play. - -_2nd Play._ Ay, ay; we shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you. - -_1st Play._ I am of your opinion. But before we go, let's see Haynes and -Shirley practise the last dance; for that may serve us another time. - -_2nd Play._ I'll call 'em in: I think they are but in the tyring-room. - - [_The dance done._] - -_1st Play._ Come, come; let's go away to dinner. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUE. - - The play is at an end, but where's the plot? - That circumstance our poet Bayes forgot. - And we can boast, tho' 'tis a plotting age, - No place is freer from it than the stage. - The ancients plotted, tho', and strove to please - With sense that might be understood with ease; - They every scene with so much wit did store, - That who brought any in, went out with more. - But this new way of wit does so surprise, - Men lose their wits in wond'ring where it lies. - If it be true, that monstrous births presage - The following mischiefs that afflict the age, - And sad disasters to the state proclaim; - Plays without head or tail may do the same. - Wherefore for ours, and for the kingdom's peace, - May this prodigious way of writing cease. - Let's have at least, once in our lives, a time - When we may hear some reason, not all rhyme. - We have this ten years felt its influence; - Pray let this prove a year of prose and sense. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: The usual language of the Honourable Edward Howard, Esq., at -the rehearsal of his plays.] - -[Footnote 2: - - He who writ this, not without pain and thought, - From French and English theatres has brought - Th' exactest rules, by which a play is wrought. - The unity of action, place, and time; - The scenes unbroken; and a mingled chime, - Of Johnson's humour, with Corneille's rhyme. - _Prologue to the Maiden Queen._ -] - -[Footnote 3: See the two prologues to the "Maiden Queen."] - -[Footnote 4: There were printed papers given the audience before the -acting the "Indian Emperor;" telling them that it was the sequel of the -"Indian Queen," part of which play was written by Mr. Bayes, &c.] - -[Footnote 5: "Persons, egad, I vow to Gad, and all that," is the constant -style of Failer in the "Wild Gallant:" for which, take this short speech, -instead of many: - -"_Failer._ Really, madam, I look upon you, as a person of such worth, and -all that, that I vow to Gad, I honour you of all persons in the world; -and tho' I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, -madam, yet for a person of your worth and excellency I would," &c.--"Wild -Gallant," p. 8.] - -[Footnote 6: He contracted with the King's company of actors, in the year -1668, for a whole share, to write them four plays a year.] - -[Footnote 7: In ridicule of this: - - "So two kind turtles, when a storm is nigh, - Look up, and see it gathering in the sky; - Each calls his mate to shelter in the groves, - Leaving, in murmurs, their unfinish'd loves; - Perch'd on some dropping branch, they sit alone, - And coo, and hearken to each other's moan." - "Conquest of Granada," Part ii. p. 48. -] - -[Footnote 8: "I am the evening dark as night."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 9: - - "Let the men 'ware the ditches. - Maids look to their breeches, - We'll scratch them with briars and thistles."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49. -] - -[Footnote 10: Abraham Ivory had formerly been a considerable actor of -women's parts; but afterwards stupefied himself so far, with drinking -strong waters, that, before the first acting of this farce, he was fit -for nothing but to go of errands; for which, and mere charity, the -company allowed him a weekly salary.] - -[Footnote 11: - - _Drake, Sen._ "Draw up our men; - And in low whispers give our orders out." - "Play House to be Let," p. 100. - -See the "Amorous Prince," pp. 20, 22, 39, 69, where all the chief -commands, and directions, are given in whispers.] - -[Footnote 12: Mr. William Wintershull was a most excellent, judicious -actor; and the best instructor of others; he died in July, 1679.] - -[Footnote 13: He was a great taker of snuff; and made most of it himself.] - -[Footnote 14: "The Lost Lady," by Sir Robert Stapleton.] - -[Footnote 15: Compare this with Prince Leonidas in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 16: In imitation of this passage:-- - - "As some fair tulip, by a storm opprest, - Shrinks up, and folds its silken arms to rest; - And, bending to the blast, all pale, and dead, - Hears from within the wind sing round its head: - So shrouded up your beauty disappears; - Unveil, my love, and lay aside your fears: - The storm, that caus'd your fright, is past and gone." - -"Conquest of Granada," Part i. p. 55.] - -[Footnote 17: Such easy turns of state are frequent in our modern plays; -where we see princes dethroned, and governments changed, by very feeble -means, and on slight occasions: particularly in "Marriage A-la-mode;" -a play writ since the first publication of this farce. Where (to pass -by the dulness of the state-part, the obscurity of the comic, the near -resemblance Leonidas bears to our Prince Prettyman, being sometimes a -king's son, sometimes a shepherd's; and not to question how Amalthea -comes to be a princess, her brother, the king's great favourite, being -but a lord) it is worth our while to observe, how easily the fierce and -jealous usurper is deposed, and the right heir placed on the throne; and -it is thus related by the said imaginary princess:-- - - "_Amalth._ Oh, gentlemen! if you have loyalty, - Or courage, show it now. Leonidas, - Broke on a sudden from his guards, and snatching - A sword from one, his back against the scaffold, - Bravely defends himself; and owns aloud - He is our long lost king, found for this moment; - But, if your valours help not, lost for ever. - Two of his guards mov'd by the sense of virtue, - Are turn'd for him; and there they stand at bay, - Against a host of foes."--"Marriage A-la-mode," p. 61. - -This shows Mr. Bayes to be a man of constancy, and firm to his -resolution, and not to be laughed out of his own method; agreeable to -what he says in the next act: "As long as I know my things are good, what -care I what they say?"] - -[Footnote 18: - - "I know not what to say, or what to think! - I know not when I sleep, or when I wake!"-- - "Love and Friendship," p. 46. - - "My doubts and fears my reason do dismay: - I know not what to do, or what to say."--"Pandora," p. 46. -] - -[Footnote 19: Prince Prettyman and Tom Thimble; Failer, and Bibber his -tailor, in the "Wild Gallant," pp. 5, 6.] - -[Footnote 20: "Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste. The courtiers -are not so forward to pay their debts."--"Wild Gallant," p. 9.] - -[Footnote 21: - - "Take a little Bibber, - And throw him in the river; - And if he will trust never, - Then there let him lie ever. - - _Bibber._ Then say I, - Take a little Failer, - And throw him to the jailer, - And there let him lie - Till he has paid his tailor."--"Wild Gallant," p. 12. -] - -[Footnote 22: A great word with Mr. Edward Howard.] - -[Footnote 23: In imitation of this:-- - - "On seas, and in battles, through bullets and fire, - The danger is less, than in hopeless desire; - My death's wound you gave me, tho' far off I bear - My fall from your sight, not to cost you a tear: - But if the kind flood on a wave would convey, - And under your window my body would lay; - When the wound on my breast you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, it was given by me." - -This is the latter part of a song, made by Mr. Bayes on the death of -Captain Digby, son of George, Earl of Bristol, who was a passionate -admirer of the Duchess Dowager of Richmond, called by the author Armida. -He lost his life in a sea-fight against the Dutch, the 28th of May, 1672.] - -[Footnote 24: Mr. Edward Howard's words.] - -[Footnote 25: See the two kings in "The Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 26: "_Albert._ Curtius. I've something to deliver to your ear. - -_Cur._ Anything from Alberto is welcome."--"Amorous Prince," p. 39.] - -[Footnote 27: See the Prince in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 28: "Let my horses be brought ready to the door, for I'll go -out of town this evening. - - Into the country I'll with speed, - With hounds and hawks my fancy feed, &c. - Now I'll away, a country life - Shall be my mistress, and my wife." - - "English Monsieur," pp. 36, 38, 39. -] - -[Footnote 29: "And what's this maid's name?"--"English Monsieur," p. 40.] - -[Footnote 30: "I bring the morning pictur'd in a cloud."--"Siege of -Rhodes," part i. p. 10.] - -[Footnote 31: "Mr. Comely in love."--"English Monsieur," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 32: Sir William D'Avenant's play of "Love and Honour."] - -[Footnote 33: "But honours says not so."--"Siege of Rhodes," part i. p. -19.] - -[Footnote 34: "Love in a Nunnery," p. 34.] - -[Footnote 35: Col. Henry Howard, son of Thomas, Earl of Berkshire, made -a play called the "United Kingdoms," which began with a funeral; and -had also two kings in it. This gave the duke a just occasion to set up -two kings in Brentford, as it is generally believed; tho' others are of -opinion, that his grace had our two brothers, King Charles and the Duke -of York, in his thoughts. It was acted at the Cockpit, in Drury Lane, -soon after the Restoration; but miscarrying on the stage, the author had -the modesty not to print it; and therefore, the reader cannot reasonably -expect any particular passages of it. Others say, that they are Boabdelin -and Abdalla, the two contending kings of Granada; and Mr. Dryden has, in -most of his serious plays, two contending kings of the same place.] - -[Footnote 36: "Conquest of Granada," in two parts.] - -[Footnote 37: - - "On seas I bore thee, and on seas I died, - I died: and for a winding-sheet, a wave - I had; and all the ocean for my grave." - - "Conquest of Granada," part ii. p. 113. -] - -[Footnote 38: Almanzor in the "Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 39: In ridicule of this:-- - - "My earthly part, - Which is my tyrant's right, death will remove; - I'll come all soul and spirit to your love. - With silent steps I'll follow you all day; - Or else before you in the sunbeams play. - I'll lead you hence to melancholy groves, - And there repeat the scenes of our past loves; - At night, I will within your curtains peep, - With empty arms embrace you, while you sleep. - In gentle dreams I often will be by, - And sweep along before your closing eye. - All dangers from your bed I will remove; - But guard it most from any future love. - And when at last in pity you will die, - I'll watch your birth of immortality: - Then, turtle like, I'll to my mate repair, - And teach you your first flight in open air."--"Tyrannic Love," p. 25. -] - -[Footnote 40: See the scene in the "Villain." Where the host furnishes -his guests with a collation out of his clothes; a capon from his helmet, -a tansey out of the lining of his cap, cream out of his scabbard, &c.] - -[Footnote 41: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Almah._ Who dares to interrupt my private walk? - - _Alman._ He who dares love, and for that love must die; - And, knowing this, dares yet love on, am I." - - "Granada," part ii. pp. 114, 115. -] - -[Footnote 42: It was at first, "dares die."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 43: - - "_Alman._ I would not now, if thou wouldst beg me, stay; - But I will take my Almahide away."--"Conquest of Granada," p. 32. -] - -[Footnote 44: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Alman._ Thou dar'st not marry her, while I'm in sight; - With a bent brow, thy priest and thee I'll fright: - And, in that scene, which all thy hopes and wishes should content, - The thoughts of me shall make thee impotent."--_Ibid._ p. 5. -] - -[Footnote 45: - - "Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair; - And all this I can do, because I dare."--"Tyrannic Love," part ii. - p. 89. -] - -[Footnote 46: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Max._ Thou liest. There's not a god inhabits there, - But, for this Christian, would all heaven forswear: - Even Jove would try new shapes her love to win, - And in new birds, and unknown beasts would sin; - At least, if Jove could love like Maximin."-- - -"Tyrannic Love," p. 17.] - -[Footnote 47: - - "Some god now, if he dare relate what pass'd; - Say, but he's dead, that god shall mortal be."--_Ibid._ p. 7. - - "Provoke my rage no farther, lest I be - Reveng'd at once upon the gods, and thee."--_Ibid._ p. 8. - - "What had the gods to do with me, or mine."--_Ibid._ p. 57. -] - -[Footnote 48: - - "Poets, like lovers, should be bold, and dare; - They spoil their business with an over-care: - And he, who servilely creeps after sense, - Is safe; but ne'er can reach to excellence."-- - - "Prologue to Tyrannic Love." -] - -[Footnote 49: - - "What various noises do my ears invade; - And have a concert of confusion made?"--"Siege of Rhodes," p. 4. -] - -[Footnote 50: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Naker._ Hark, my Damilcar, we are call'd below. - - _Dam._ Let us go, let us go: - Go to relieve the care, - Of longing lovers in despair. - - _Naker._ Merry, merry, merry, we sail from the east, - Half tippled at a rainbow feast. - - _Dam._ In the bright moonshine, while winds whistle loud, - Tivy, tivy, tivy, we mount and we fly, - All racking along in a downy white cloud; - And lest our leap from the sky should prove too far, - We slide on the back of a new-falling star. - - _Naker._ And drop from above, - In a jelly of love. - - _Dam._ But now the sun's down, and the element's red, - The spirits of fire against us make head. - - _Naker._ They muster, they muster, like gnats in the air: - Alas! I must leave thee, my fair; - And to my light-horsemen repair. - - _Dam._ O stay! for you need not to fear 'em to-night; - The wind is for us, and blows full in their sight: - And o'er the wide ocean we fight. - Like leaves in the autumn, our foes will fall down, - And hiss in the water.... - - _Both._ And hiss in the water, and drown. - - _Naker._ But their men lie securely intrench'd in a cloud, - And a trumpeter-hornet to battle sounds loud. - - _Dam._ Now mortals that spy - How we tilt in the sky, - With wonder will gaze; - And fear such events as will ne'er come to pass. - - _Naker._ Stay you to perform what the man will have done. - - _Dam._ Then call me again when the battle is won. - - _Both._ So ready and quick is a spirit of air, - To pity the lover, and succour the fair, - That silent and swift, that little soft god, - Is here with a wish, and is gone with a nod."-- - - "Tyrannic Love," pp. 24, 25. -] - -[Footnote 51: See "Tyrannic Love," act iv. sc. 1.] - -[Footnote 52: In ridicule of this:-- - - "What new misfortunes do these cries presage? - - _1st Mess._ Haste all you can, their fury to assuage: - You are not safe from their rebellious rage. - - _2nd Mess._ This minute, if you grant not their desire, - They'll seize your person, and your palace fire."-- - "Granada," part ii. p. 71. -] - -[Footnote 53: "Aglaura," and the "Vestal Virgin," are so contrived by a -little alteration towards the latter end of them, that they have been -acted both ways, either as tragedies or comedies.] - -[Footnote 54: There needs nothing more to explain the meaning of this -battle, than the perusal of the first part of the "Siege of Rhodes," -which was performed in recitative music, by seven persons only: and the -passage out of the "Playhouse to be Let."] - -[Footnote 55: The "Siege of Rhodes" begins thus:-- - - "_Admiral._ Arm, arm, Valerius, arm." -] - -[Footnote 56: The third entry thus:-- - - "_Solym._ Pyrrhus, draw down our army wide; - Then, from the gross, two strong reserves divide, - And spread the wings, - As if we were to fight, - In the lost Rhodians' sight, - With all the western kings. - Each with Janizaries line; - The right and left to Haly's sons assign; - The gross, to Zangiban; - The main artillery - To Mustapha shall be: - Bring thou the rear, we lead the van." -] - -[Footnote 57: - - "More pikes! more pikes! to reinforce - That squadron, and repulse the horse."--"Playhouse to be Let," p. 72. -] - -[Footnote 58: - - "Point all the cannon, and play fast; - Their fury is too hot to last. - That rampire shakes; they fly into the town. - - _Pyr._ March up with those reserves to that redoubt; - Faint slaves, the Janizaries reel! - They bend! they bend! and seem to feel - The terrors of a rout. - - _Must._ Old Zanger halts, and reinforcement lacks. - - _Pyr._ March on! - - _Must._ Advance those pikes, and charge their backs."--"Siege of - Rhodes." -] - -[Footnote 59: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Phoeb._ Who calls the world's great light! - - _Aur._ Aurora, that abhors the night. - - _Phoeb._ Why does Aurora, from her cloud, - To drowsy Phoebus cry so loud?"-- - "Slighted Maid," p. 8. -] - -[Footnote 60: "The burning mount Vesuvio."--"Slighted Maid," p. 81.] - -[Footnote 61: "Drink, drink wine, Lippara wine."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 62: Valeria, daughter to Maximin, having killed herself for -the love of Porphyrius; when she was to be carried off by the bearers, -strikes one of them a box on the ear, and speaks to him thus:-- - - "Hold, are you mad, confounded dog? - I am to rise, and speak the epilogue."--"Tyrannic Love." -] - - - - -THE SPLENDID SHILLING. - - "Sing, heavenly Muse, - Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme, - A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire." - - - Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, - In silken, or in leathern purse retains - A Splendid Shilling. He nor hears with pain - New oysters cry'd, nor sighs for cheerful ale; - But with his friends when nightly mists arise, - To Juniper's Magpye, or Town Hall[63] repairs: - Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye - Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames, - Cloe, or Philips, he each circling glass - Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love. - Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale, - Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint. - But I, whom griping penury surrounds, - And hunger, sure attendant upon want, - With scanty offals, and small acid tiff, - Wretched repast! my meagre corps sustain: - Then solitary walk, or doze at home - In garret vile, and with a warming puff - Regale chill'd fingers; or from tube as black - As winter-chimney, or well polish'd jet, - Exhale Mundungus, ill perfuming scent: - Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size - Smokes Cambro-Briton, vers'd in pedigree, - Sprung from Cadwalador and Arthur, kings - Full famous in romantic tale, when he - O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff, - Upon a cargo of fam'd Cestrian cheese, - High over-shadowing rides, with a design - To vend his wares, or at th' Arvonian mart, - Or Maridunum, or the ancient town - Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream - Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil! - Whence flows nectareous wine, that well may vie - With Massic, Setin, or renown'd Falern. - Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow - With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun, - Horrible monster! hated by gods and men, - To my aerial citadel ascends. - With vocal heel, thrice thund'ring at my gate, - With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know - The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound. - What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd, - Confounded to the dark recess I fly - Of woodhole; straight my bristling hairs erect - Thro' sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews - My shudd'ring limbs, and, wonderful to tell! - My tongue forgets her faculty of speech; - So horrible he seems! his faded brow - Entrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard, - And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints, - Disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand - Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves, - With characters and figures dire inscrib'd, - Grievous to mortal eyes; ye gods avert - Such plagues from righteous men! Behind him stalks - Another monster not unlike himself, - Sullen of aspect, by the vulgar call'd - A Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods - With force incredible and magic charms - First have endu'd: if he his ample palm - Should haply on ill-fated shoulder lay - Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch - Obsequious as whilom knights were wont, - To some enchanted castle is convey'd, - Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains - In durance strict detain him till, in form - Of money, Pallas sets the captive free. - Beware, ye debtors, when ye walk, beware! - Be circumspect; oft with insidious ken - This caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft - Lies perdue in a nook or gloomy cave, - Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch - With his unhallow'd touch. So, poets sing, - Grimalkin to domestic vermin sworn - An everlasting foe, with watchful eye - Lies nightly brooding o'er a chinky gap, - Protending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice - Sure ruin. So her disembowell'd web - Arachne in a hall, or kitchen, spreads, - Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands - Within her woven cell; the humming prey, - Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils - Inextricable, nor will aught avail - Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue; - The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone, - And butterfly proud of expanded wings - Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares, - Useless resistance make: with eager strides, - She tow'ring flies to her expected spoils; - Then, with envenom'd jaws the vital blood - Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave - Their bulky carcasses triumphant drags. - So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades - This world envelop, and th' inclement air - Persuades men to repel benumbing frosts - With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood; - Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light - Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk - Of loving friend delights; distress'd, forlorn, - Amidst the horrors of the tedious night, - Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts - My anxious mind, or sometimes mournful verse - Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades, - Or desp'rate lady near a purling stream, - Or lover pendant on a willow-tree. - Meanwhile I labour with eternal drought, - And restless wish, and rave, my parched throat - Finds no relief, nor heavy eyes repose: - But if a slumber haply does invade - My weary limbs, my fancy's still awake, - Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream, - Tipples imaginary pots of ale, - In vain; awake I find the settled thirst - Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse. - Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarr'd, - Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays - Mature, John Apple, nor the downy Peach, - Nor Walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure, - Nor Medlar fruit delicious in decay: - Afflictions great! yet greater still remains. - My Galligaskins that have long withstood - The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts, - By time subdu'd, what will not time subdue! - An horrid chasm disclos'd with orifice - Wide, discontinuous; at which the winds - Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force - Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves, - Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts, - Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship, - Long sail'd secure, or thro' th' AEgean deep, - Or the Ionian, till cruising near - The Lilybean shore, with hideous crush - On Scylla, or Charybdis, dang'rous rocks! - She strikes rebounding, whence the shatter'd oak, - So fierce a shock unable to withstand, - Admits the sea; in at the gaping side - The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage, - Resistless, overwhelming; horrors seize - The mariners, death in their eyes appears, - They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray; - Vain efforts! still the batt'ring waves rush in, - Implacable, till delug'd by the foam, - The ship sinks found'ring in the vast abyss. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 63: Two noted alehouses in Oxford, 1700.] - - - - -TWO "ODES." - -BY AMBROSE PHILIPS, ESQ., - -_From among those which suggested the next following Burlesque._ - - -TO MISS MARGARET PULTENEY, DAUGHTER OF DANIEL PULTENEY, ESQ., IN THE -NURSERY. - - _April_ 27, 1727. - - Dimply damsel, sweetly smiling, - All caressing, none beguiling, - Bud of beauty, fairly blowing, - Every charm to nature owing, - This and that new thing admiring, - Much of this and that enquiring, - Knowledge by degrees attaining, - Day by day some virtue gaining, - Ten years hence, when I leave chiming, - Beardless poets, fondly rhyming - (Fescu'd now, perhaps, in spelling), - On thy riper beauties dwelling, - Shall accuse each killing feature - Of the cruel, charming creature, - Whom I knew complying, willing, - Tender, and averse to killing. - - -TO MISS CHARLOTTE PULTENEY, IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS. - - _May_ 1, 1724. - - Timely blossom, infant fair, - Fondling of a happy pair, - Every morn, and every night, - Their solicitous delight, - Sleeping, waking, still at ease, - Pleasing, without skill to please, - Little gossip, blithe and hale, - Tatling many a broken tale, - Singing many a tuneless song, - Lavish of a heedless tongue, - Simple maiden, void of art, - Babbling out the very heart, - Yet abandon'd to thy will, - Yet imagining no ill, - Yet too innocent to blush, - Like the linlet in the bush, - To the mother-linnet's note - Moduling her slender throat, - Chirping forth thy petty joys, - Wanton in the change of toys, - Like the linnet green, in May, - Flitting to each bloomy spray, - Wearied then, and glad of rest, - Like the linlet in the nest. - This thy present happy lot, - This, in time, will be forgot. - Other pleasures, other cares, - Ever-busy time prepares; - And thou shalt in thy daughter see, - This picture, once, resembled thee. - - - - -NAMBY PAMBY: - -OR, A PANEGYRIC ON THE NEW VERSIFICATION ADDRESSED TO A---- P----, ESQ. - - "Nauty Pauty Jack-a-dandy - Stole a piece of sugar-candy - From the Grocer's shoppy-shop, - And away did hoppy-hop." - - - All ye poets of the age, - All ye witlings of the stage, - Learn your jingles to reform: - Crop your numbers, and conform: - Let your little verses flow - Gently, sweetly, row by row. - Let the verse the subject fit, - Little subject, little wit. - Namby Pamby is your guide, - Albion's joy, Hibernia's pride. - Namby Pamby Pilli-pis, - Rhimy pim'd on missy-mis; - Tartaretta Tartaree - From the navel to the knee; - That her father's gracy-grace - Might give him a placy-place. - He no longer writes of mammy - Andromache and her lammy, - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest. - Now the venal poet sings - Baby clouts, and baby things, - Baby dolls and baby houses, - Little misses, little spouses; - Little playthings, little toys, - Little girls, and little boys. - As an actor does his part, - So the nurses get by heart - Namby Pamby's little rhymes, - Little jingle, little chimes. - Namby Pamby ne'er will die - While the nurse sings lullaby. - Namby Pamby's doubly mild, - Once a man, and twice a child; - To his hanging-sleeves restor'd, - Now he foots it like a lord; - Now he pumps his little wits, - All by little tiny bits. - Now methinks I hear him say, - Boys and girls, come out to play, - Moon does shine as bright as day. - Now my Namby Pamby's found - Sitting on the Friar's ground, - Picking silver, picking gold, - Namby Pamby's never old. - Bally-cally they begin, - Namby Pamby still keeps in. - Namby Pamby is no clown, - London Bridge is broken down: - Now he courts the gay ladee, - Dancing o'er the Lady-lee: - Now he sings of lick-spit liar - Burning in the brimstone fire; - Liar, liar, lick-spit, lick, - Turn about the candle-stick. - Now he sings of Jacky Horner - Sitting in the chimney corner, - Eating of a Christmas pie, - Putting in his thumb, oh, fie! - Putting in, oh, fie! his thumb, - Pulling out, oh, strange! a plum. - Now he acts the Grenadier, - Calling for a pot of beer. - Where's his money? he's forgot, - Get him gone, a drunken sot. - Now on cock-horse does he ride; - And anon on timber stride, - See-and-saw and Sacch'ry down, - London is a gallant town. - Now he gathers riches in - Thicker, faster, pin by pin. - Pins apiece to see his show, - Boys and girls flock row by row; - From their clothes the pins they take, - Risk a whipping for his sake; - From their frocks the pins they pull, - To fill Namby's cushion full. - So much wit at such an age, - Does a genius great presage. - Second childhood gone and past, - Should he prove a man at last, - What must second manhood be, - In a child so bright as he! - Guard him, ye poetic powers, - Watch his minutes, watch his hours: - Let your tuneful Nine inspire him, - Let poetic fury fire him: - Let the poets one and all - To his genius victims fall. - - - - -A WORD UPON PUDDING. - - _From_ "A LEARNED DISSERTATION UPON DUMPLING," _to which the - preceding Poem was appended_. - - -What is a tart, a pie, or a pasty, but meat or fruit enclos'd in a -wall or covering of pudding? What is a cake, but a bak'd pudding; or a -Christmas pie, but a minc'd-meat pudding? As for cheese-cakes, custards, -tansies, &c., they are manifest puddings, and all of Sir John's own -contrivance; custard being as old, if not older, than Magna Charta. In -short, pudding is of the greatest dignity and antiquity; bread itself, -which is the very staff of life, being, properly speaking, a bak'd wheat -pudding. - -To the satchel, which is the pudding-bag of ingenuity, we are indebted -for the greatest men in church and state. All arts and sciences owe -their original to pudding or dumpling. What is a bagpipe, the mother of -all music, but a pudding of harmony? Or what is music itself, but a -palatable cookery of sounds? To little puddings or bladders of colours we -owe all the choice originals of the greatest painters. And indeed, what -is painting, but a well-spread pudding, or cookery of colours? - -The head of man is like a pudding. And whence have all rhymes, poems, -plots, and inventions sprang, but from that same pudding? What is -poetry, but a pudding of words? The physicians, tho' they cry out so -much against cooks and cookery, yet are but cooks themselves; with this -difference only, the cooks' pudding lengthens life, the physicians' -shortens it. So that we live and die by pudding. For what is a clyster, -but a bag-pudding? a pill, but a dumpling? or a bolus, but a tansy, tho' -not altogether so toothsome? In a word: physic is only a puddingizing or -cookery of drugs. - - The law is but a - cookery of quibbles and contentions,[64] * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * * is but a pudding of * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * Some swallow everything whole and unmix'd; - -so that it may rather be call'd a heap than a pudding. Others are so -squeamish, the greatest mastership in cookery is requir'd to make the -pudding palatable. The suet which others gape and swallow by gobs, must -for these puny stomachs be minced to atoms; the plums must be pick'd -with the utmost care, and every ingredient proportion'd to the greatest -nicety, or it will never go down. - -The universe itself is but a pudding of elements. Empires, kingdoms, -states and republics, are but puddings of people differently made up. The -celestial and terrestrial orbs are decipher'd to us by a pair of globes -or mathematical puddings. - -The success of war and fate of monarchies are entirely dependent on -puddings and dumplings. For what else are cannonballs but military -puddings? or bullets, but dumplings; with this difference only, they do -not sit so well on the stomach as a good marrow pudding or bread pudding. - -In short, there is nothing valuable in art or nature, but what, more -or less, has an allusion to pudding or dumpling. Why, then, should -they be held in disesteem? Why should dumpling-eating be ridiculed, -or dumpling-eaters derided? Is it not pleasant and profitable? Is it -not ancient and honourable? Kings, princes, and potentates have in all -ages been lovers of pudding. Is it not, therefore, of royal authority? -Popes, cardinals, bishops, priests and deacons, have, time out of mind, -been great pudding-eaters. Is it not, therefore, a holy and religious -institution? Philosophers, poets, and learned men in all faculties, -judges, privy councillors, and members of both houses, have, by their -great regard to pudding, given a sanction to it that nothing can efface. -Is it not, therefore, ancient, honourable, and commendable? - - Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores? - -Why do, therefore, the enemies of good eating, the starveling -authors of Grub Street, employ their impotent pens against pudding -and pudding-headed, _alias_ honest men? Why do they inveigh against -dumpling-eating, which is the life and soul of good-fellowship; and -dumpling-eaters, who are the ornaments of civil society? - -But, alas! their malice is their own punishment. The hireling author -of a late scandalous libel, intituled, "The Dumpling-Eaters Downfall," -may, if he has any eyes, now see his error, in attacking so numerous, so -august, a body of people. His books remain unsold, unread, unregarded; -while this treatise of mine shall be bought by all who love pudding or -dumpling; to my bookseller's great joy, and my no small consolation. How -shall I triumph, and how will that mercenary scribbler be mortified, -when I have sold more editions of my books than he has copies of his? -I, therefore, exhort all people, gentle and simple, men, women, and -children, to buy, to read, to extol these labours of mine, for the honour -of dumpling-eating. Let them not fear to defend every article; for I will -bear them harmless. I have arguments good store, and can easily confute, -either logically, theologically, or metaphysically, all those who dare -oppose me. - -Let not Englishmen, therefore, be ashamed of the name of Pudding-eaters; -but, on the contrary, let it be their glory. For let foreigners cry out -ne'er so much against good eating, they come easily into it when they -have been a little while in our land of Canaan; and there are very few -foreigners among us who have not learn'd to make as great a hole in a -good pudding, or sirloin of beef, as the best Englishman of us all. - -Why should we then be laughed out of pudding and dumpling? or why -ridicul'd out of good living? Plots and politics may hurt us, but pudding -cannot. Let us, therefore, adhere to pudding, and keep ourselves out -of harm's way; according to the golden rule laid down by a celebrated -dumpling-eater now defunct: - - "Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says: - Sleep very much; think little, and talk less: - Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong; - But eat your pudding, fool, and hold your tongue."--PRIOR. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 64: The cat ran away with this part of the copy, on which the -Author had unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump's sausages.] - - - - -THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT. - -WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. - -FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731. - - -H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, HIS PREFACE. - -The town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than concerning the -merit of the following scenes. Whilst some publicly affirm that no author -could produce so fine a piece but Mr. P----, others have with as much -vehemence insisted that no one could write anything so bad but Mr. F----. - -Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when the learned -world have not unanimously decided even the very nature of this tragedy. -For though most of the universities in Europe have honoured it with the -name of "Egregium et maximi pretii opus, tragoediis tam antiquis quam -novis longe anteponendum;" nay, Dr. B---- hath pronounced, "Citius Maevii -AEneadem quam Scribleri istius tragoediam hanc crediderim, cujus autorem -Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud dubitarim:" and the great Professor Burman -hath styled Tom Thumb "Heroum omnium tragicorum facile principem;" nay, -though it hath, among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and -celebrated with great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never came) -by the title of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters received it with -that reverent and silent attention which becometh an audience at a deep -tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there have not been wanting some who -have represented these scenes in a ludicrous light; and Mr. D---- hath -been heard to say, with some concern, that he wondered a tragical and -Christian nation would permit a representation on its theatre so visibly -designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great and solemn -among us. - -This learned critic and his followers were led into so great an error -by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last year into -the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our author will be -acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall happily peruse this genuine -and original copy. Nor can I help remarking, to the great praise of -our author, that, however imperfect the former was, even that faint -resemblance of the true Tom Thumb contained sufficient beauties to -give it a run of upwards of forty nights to the politest audiences. -But, notwithstanding that applause which it received from all the best -judges, it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, and, I believe -rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have been intended a -burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and designed to banish what -we generally call fine things from the stage. - -Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, I -shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. And this I the rather -undertake, first, as it is indeed in some measure incumbent on me to -vindicate myself from that surreptitious copy before mentioned, published -by some ill-meaning people under my name; secondly, as knowing myself -more capable of doing justice to our author than any other man, as I -have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough understanding of -this little piece, having for ten years together read nothing else; in -which time, I think, I may modestly presume, with the help of my English -dictionary, to comprehend all the meanings of every word in it. - -But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to enlighten -the world with his annotations on our author, I shall not think that the -least reward or happiness arising to me from these my endeavours. - -I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the learned -world, whether this piece was originally written by Shakespeare, though -certainly that, were it true, must add a considerable share to its merit, -especially with such who are so generous as to buy and commend what they -never read, from an implicit faith in the author only: a faith which our -age abounds in as much as it can be called deficient in any other. - -Let it suffice, that "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, The Life and Death -of Tom Thumb," was written in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Nor can -the objection made by Mr. D----, that the tragedy must then have been -antecedent to the history, have any weight, when we consider that, -though "The History of Tom Thumb" printed by and for Edward M--r, at the -Looking-glass on London Bridge, be of a later date, still must we suppose -this history to have been transcribed from some other, unless we suppose -the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very faintly contended for by -the writers of our age. As to this history's not bearing the stamp of -second, third, or fourth edition, I see but little in that objection; -editions being very uncertain lights to judge of books by: and perhaps -Mr. M--r may have joined twenty editions in one, as Mr. C--l hath ere now -divided one into twenty. - -Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our author hath -taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry any greater force. -Are there not instances of plays wherein the history is so perverted, -that we can know the heroes whom they celebrate by no other marks than -their names? nay, do we not find the same character placed by different -poets in such different lights, that we can discover not the least -sameness, or even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba of Mairet and -of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of Massinissa: Corneille -and Mr. Thomson give her no other passion but the love of her country, -and make her as cool in her affection to Massinissa as to Syphax. In the -two latter she resembles the character of Queen Elizabeth; in the two -former she is the picture of Mary Queen of Scotland. In short, the one -Sophonisba is as different from the other as the Brutus of Voltaire is -from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or as the Minerva is from the Venus of -the ancients. - -Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy before us, in -which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the Moral, the Characters, -the Sentiments, and the Diction. And first of the Fable; which I take -to be the most simple imaginable; and, to use the words of an eminent -author, "one, regular, and uniform, not charged with a multiplicity of -incidents, and yet affording several revolutions of fortune, by which -the passions may be excited, varied, and driven to their full tumult of -emotion." Nor is the action of this tragedy less great than uniform. The -spring of all is the love of Tom Thumb for Huncamunca; which caused the -quarrel between their majesties in the first act; the passion of Lord -Grizzle in the second; the rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, -devouring of Tom Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the -third. - -Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the Fable; -it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human happiness is -exceeding transient, and that death is the certain end of all men: the -former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end of Tom Thumb; the latter, -by that of all the other personages. - -The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the _dramatis -personae_; and I believe we shall find few plays where greater care is -taken to maintain them throughout, and to preserve in every speech that -characteristical mark which distinguishes them from each other. "But," -says Mr. D----, "how well doth the character of Tom Thumb (whom we -must call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero) agree with -the precepts of Aristotle, who defineth, 'tragedy to be the imitation -of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness in itself?' -&c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history related to have been -no higher than a span?" This gentleman seemeth to think, with Serjeant -Kite, that the greatness of a man's soul is in proportion to that of his -body, the contrary of which is affirmed by our English physiognominical -writers. Besides, if I understand Aristotle right, he speaketh only of -the greatness of the action, and not of the person. - -As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain to be -spoken to, I thought I could afford them no stronger justification than -by producing parallel passages out of the best of our English writers. -Whether this sameness of thought and expression which I have quoted from -them proceeded from an agreement in their way of thinking, or whether -they have borrowed from our author, I leave the reader to determine. I -shall adventure to affirm this of the Sentiments of our author, that -they are generally the most familiar which I have ever met with, and -at the same time delivered with the highest dignity of phrase; which -brings me to speak of his diction. Here I shall only beg one postulatum, -viz., that the greatest perfection of the language of a tragedy is, that -it is not to be understood; which granted (as I think it must be), it -will necessarily follow that the only way to avoid this is by being too -high or too low for the understanding, which will comprehend everything -within its reach. Those two extremities of style Mr. Dryden illustrates -by the familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aerial and the -subterrestrial. - -Horace goes further, and showeth when it is proper to call at one of -these inns, and when at the other:-- - - Telephus et Peleus, cum pauper et exul uterque, - Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba. - -That he approveth of the _sesquipedalia verba_ is plain; for, had not -Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, they could -not have dropped it in adversity. The aerial inn, therefore (says -Horace), is proper only to be frequented by princes and other great men -in the highest affluence of fortune; the subterrestrial is appointed for -the entertainment of the poorer sort of people only, whom Horace advises, - - --dolere sermone pedestri. - -The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the proper -language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which is literally -implied in the _sermo pedestris_, as the former is in the _sesquipedalia -verba_. - -Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tam furiosum vel -tragicum quam verborum sonitus inanis, nulla subjecta sententia neque -scientia." What can be so proper for tragedy as a set of big sounding -words, so contrived together as to convey no meaning? which I shall -one day or other prove to be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth -absolutely for the latter inn: - - Omne genus scripti gravitate tragoedia vincit. - -Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; which is -the profound of Scriblerus. - -I shall not presume to determine which of these two styles be properer -for tragedy. It sufficeth that our author excelleth in both. He is -very rarely within sight through the whole play, either rising higher -than the eye of your understanding can soar, or sinking lower than it -careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps be observed that I have given -more frequent instances of authors who have imitated him in the sublime -than in the contrary. To which I answer, first, bombast being properly -a redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in poets whose -names do more honour to our author than the writers in the doggrel, -which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of thinking. Instances -whereof are most frequently to be found in authors of a lower class. -Secondly, that the works of such authors are difficultly found at all. -Thirdly, that it is a very hard task to read them, in order to extract -these flowers from them. And lastly, it is very difficult to transplant -them at all; they being like some flowers of a very nice nature, which -will flourish in no soil but their own: for it is easy to transcribe a -thought, but not the want of one. The "Earl of Essex," for instance, is -a little garden of choice rarities, whence you can scarce transplant one -line so as to preserve its original beauty. This must account to the -reader for his missing the names of several of his acquaintance, which -he had certainly found here, had I ever read their works; for which, -if I have not a just esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quae non -contemno, quippe quae nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may meet -with due satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator from -the university, who is reading over all the modern tragedies, at five -shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they have stole from our -author, which shall be shortly added as an appendix to this work. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - -KING ARTHUR, _a passionate sort of king, husband to_ QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, -_of whom he stands a little in fear: father to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _whom he is -very fond of and in love with_ GLUMDALCA. - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT, _a little hero with a great soul, something violent -in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -GHOST OF GAFFER THUMB, _a whimsical sort of ghost_. - -LORD GRIZZLE, _extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very -choleric in his temper, and in love with_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -MERLIN, _a conjuror, and in some sort father to_ TOM THUMB. - -NOODLE, DOODLE, _courtiers in place, and consequently of that party that -is uppermost_. - -FOODLE, _a courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party -that is undermost_. - -BAILIFF, AND FOLLOWER, _of the party of the plaintiff_. - -PARSON, _of the side of the church_. - -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _wife to_ KING ARTHUR, _and mother to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _a -woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink, a -little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with_ TOM THUMB. - -THE PRINCESS HUNCAMUNCA, _daughter to their_ MAJESTIES KING ARTHUR _and_ -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, -equally in love with_ LORD GRIZZLE _and_ TOM THUMB, _and desirous to be -married to them both_. - -GLUMDALCA, _of the giants, a captive queen, beloved by the king, but in -love with_ TOM THUMB. - -CLEORA, MUSTACHA, _maids of honour in love with_ NOODLE _and_ DOODLE. - -Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning. - - -SCENE.--THE COURT OF KING ARTHUR, AND A PLAIN THEREABOUTS. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I. - -SCENE I.--_The Palace._ - -DOODLE, NOODLE. - - _Doodle._ Sure such a day[65] as this was never seen! - The sun himself, on this auspicious day, - Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit: - This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. - All nature wears one universal grin. - - _Nood._ This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day. - Indeed!--a day, we never saw before.[66] - The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;[67] - Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, - Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall[68] - Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, - While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. - So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, - Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. - - _Dood._ When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, - The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; - Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. - - _Nood._ They tell me it is whisper'd[69] in the books - Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, - By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone - Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. - - _Dood._ Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; - Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place - Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot[70] - This mighty Tom. - - _Nood._ Sure he was sent express[71] - From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. - Though small his body be, so very small - A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, - Yet is his soul like any mountain big; - And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, - So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.[72] - - _Dood._ Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, - The giant nurses frighten children with it,[73] - And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are - Naughty, will surely take the child away. - - _Nood._ But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.[74] - - _Dood._ He comes most luckily for my petition. - [_Flourish._ - - -SCENE II. - -KING, QUEEN, GRIZZLE, NOODLE, DOODLE, FOODLE. - - _King._ Let nothing but a face of joy appear;[75] - The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, - That he may have no face to frown withal. - Smile Dollallolla--Ha! what wrinkled sorrow - Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?[76] - Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, - Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? - - _Queen._ Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,[77] - Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. - - _King._ If it be so, let all men cry for joy, - Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;[78] - Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, - And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. - - _Dood._ My liege, I a petition have here got. - - _King._ Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: - Let other hours be set apart for business. - To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.[79] - And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. - - _Queen._ (Though I already[80] half-seas over am) - If the capacious goblet overflow - With arrack punch----'fore George! I'll see it out: - Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. - - _King._ Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, - And rum and brandy be no more than six, - Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. [_Trumpets._ - But, ha! the warrior comes--the great Tom Thumb, - The little hero, giant-killing boy, - Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived. - - -SCENE III. - -TOM THUMB _to them, with_ OFFICERS, PRISONERS, _and_ ATTENDANTS. - - _King._ Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.[81] - What gratitude can thank away the debt - Your valour lays upon me? - - _Queen._ Oh! ye gods![82] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.[83] - I've done my duty, and I've done no more. - - _Queen._ Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [_Aside._ - - _King._ Thy modesty's a candle[84] to thy merit, - It shines itself, and shows thy merit too. - But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? - - _Thumb._ My liege, without the castle gates they stand, - The castle gates too low for their admittance. - - _King._ What look they like? - - _Thumb._ Like nothing but themselves. - - _Queen._ And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.[85] - [_Aside._ - - _King._ Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. - I see them--yes, I see them now before me: - The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods. - But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes? - So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn[86] - By all the gods in council: so fair she is, - That surely at her birth the council paused, - And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! - - _Thumb._ Then were the gods mistaken--she is not - A woman, but a giantess----whom we, - With much ado, have made a shift to haul[87] - Within the town: for she is by a foot[88] - Shorter than all her subject giants were. - - _Glum._ We yesterday were both a queen and wife, - One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway. - Twenty whereof were married to ourself. - - _Queen._ Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands - Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced - To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. - - _Glum._ But then to lose them all in one black day, - That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife - To twenty giants, setting should behold - Me widow'd of them all.----My worn-out heart,[89] - That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, - My soul, will quickly sink. - - _Queen._ Madam, believe - I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: - But learn to bear them with what strength you may, - To-morrow we will have our grenadiers - Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose - What husbands you think fit. - - _Glum._ Madam, I am[90] - Your most obedient and most humble servant. - - _King._ Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, - Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; - Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. - I feel a sudden pain within my breast,[91] - Nor know I whether it arise from love - Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show. - O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! - Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. - - _Thumb._ I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;[92] - I ask not money, money I've enough; - For what I've done, and what I mean to do, - For giants slain, and giants yet unborn - Which I will slay----if this be call'd a debt, - Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,-- - To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.[93] - - _King._ Prodigious bold request. - - _Queen._ Be still, my soul.[94] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,[95] - And waits its answer there.----Oh! do not frown. - I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, - But love did overwind and crack the string. - Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, YOU SHAN'T, - I should have loved her still----for oh, strange fate, - Then when I loved her least I loved her most! - - _King._ It is resolv'd--the princess is your own. - - _Thumb._ Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.[96] - - _Queen._ Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, - But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm - Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. - Let Macedonia Alexander boast, - Let Rome her Caesars and her Scipios show, - Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, - Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, - Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. - - _Queen._ Though greater yet his boasted merit was, - He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. - - _King._ Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? - - _Queen._ I say he shan't. - - _King._ Then by our royal self we swear you lie.[97] - - _Queen._ Who but a dog, who but a dog[98] - Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain - These twenty years so loving by thy side![99] - But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. - Then tremble all who did this match persuade, - For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,[100] - And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. - - _Food._ Her majesty the queen is in a passion.[101] - - _King._ Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl[102] - And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself, - We were indeed a pretty king of clouts - To truckle to her will--for when by force - Or art the wife her husband overreaches, - Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. - - _Thumb._ Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine![103] - Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! - The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, - And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! - I've thrown the bloody garment now aside - And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. - So when some chimney-sweeper all the day - Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, - At night to wash his hands and face he flies, - And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies. - - -SCENE IV. - - _Grizzle (solus)._ Where art thou, Grizzle?[104] where are now thy - glories? - Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? - Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street, - Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, - To-morrow puts it on another's back. - The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd - His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; - Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low. - - -SCENE V. - -QUEEN, GRIZZLE. - - _Queen._ Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,[105] - Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, - Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine - To spout forth words malicious as thyself, - Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. - - _Griz._ Far be it from my pride to think my tongue - Your royal lips can in that art instruct, - Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, - Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? - - _Queen._ Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard - (What ev'ry corner of the court resounds) - That little Thumb will be a great man made? - - _Griz._ I heard it, I confess--for who, alas! - Can[106] always stop his ears?--But would my teeth, - By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! - - _Queen._ Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, - The hallalloo of fire in every street! - Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, - To think I should a grandmother be made - By such a rascal!--Sure the king forgets - When in a pudding, by his mother put, - The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile - Was dropp'd.--Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear - To see him from a pudding mount the throne? - Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear - To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? - - _Griz._ Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen. - Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.[107] - - _Queen._ Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent - This hated match. - - _Griz._ We will; nor fate itself,[108] - Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. - I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds: - I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; - I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; - Fierce as the man whom smiling[109] dolphins bore - From the prosaic to poetic shore. - I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. - - _Queen._ Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; - For, though I would not have him have my daughter, - Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants? - - _Griz._ I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; - He made the giants first, and then he killed them; - As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, - And then with hounds they drive them out again. - - _Queen._ How! have you seen no giants? Are there not - Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants? - - _Griz._ Indeed I cannot positively tell,[110] - But firmly do believe there is not one. - - _Queen._ Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; - By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb. - Go, sirrah! go, hie[111] away! hie!----thou art - A setting-dog: begone. - - _Griz._ Madam, I go. - Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. - So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - -SCENE VI. - - _Queen_ [_sola._] And whither shall I go?--Alack a day! - I love Tom Thumb--but must not tell him so; - For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? - A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; - A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live - Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. - Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;[112] - In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. - Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. - But hold!--perhaps I may be left a widow: - This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine: - In that dear hope I will forget my pain. - So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, - With beating hemp and flogging she's content; - She hopes in time to ease her present pain, - At length is free, and walks the streets again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - -SCENE I.--_The street._ - -BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Come on, my trusty fellow, come on; - This day discharge thy duty, and at night - A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. - Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. - - _Fol._ No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word - Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long - To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him: - To lay arresting hands upon his back, - And drag him trembling to the sponging-house. - - _Bail._ There when I have him, I will sponge upon him. - Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, - I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! - Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. - - _Fol._ Enjoy it then some other time, for now - Our prey approaches. - - _Bail._ Let us retire. - - -SCENE II. - -TOM THUMB, NOODLE, BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Thumb._ Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;[113] - For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, - Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: - For, oh!--but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,[114] - I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. - - _Nood._ I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. - - _Thumb._ Then know--my grandmamma[115] hath often said. - Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. - - _Nood._ Sir, I blush - To think a warrior, great in arms as you, - Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. - Can an old woman's empty dreams deter - The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? - Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, - When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, - While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, - You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. - - _Thumb._ Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; - Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; - I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: - Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short - For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise - Blushing to see us both alone together.[116] - - _Nood._ Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. - - _Bail._ Oh, sir! I have an action against you. - - _Nood._ At whose suit is it? - - _Bail._ At your tailor's, sir. - Your tailor put this warrant in my hands, - And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. - - _Thumb._ Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! - Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? - But let vain cowards threaten by their word, - Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword. - - [_Kills_ BAILIFF _and_ FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Oh, I am slain! - - _Fol._ I am murdered also, - And to the shades, the dismal shades below, - My bailiff's faithful follower I go. - - _Nood._ Go then to hell,[117] like rascals as you are, - And give our service to the bailiffs there. - - _Thumb._ Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, - Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, - And no one fear a bailiff or his writ. - - -SCENE III.--_The Princess_ HUNCAMUNCA'S _Apartment_. - -HUNCAMUNCA, CLEORA, MUSTACHA. - - _Hunc._ Give me some music--see that it be sad.[118] - -CLEORA _sings_. - - Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, - Bring thy quiver to her aid; - With equal ardour wound the swain; - Beauty should never sigh in vain. - - Let him feel the pleasing smart, - Drive the arrow through his heart: - When one you wound, you then destroy; - When both you kill, you kill with joy. - - _Hunc._ O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?[119] - Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? - Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? - Or else the King of Brentford, old or new! - -_Must._ I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a moment's -uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom Thumb the -Great[120]--one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my -husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in -love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had -fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing! - - _Hunc._ Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. - The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, - Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. - The dove is not so gentle to its mate. - -_Must._ The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.--Alas! madam, -there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a man. He is a -perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost without shadow -too. - - _Hunc._ This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; - Or I shall think this railing comes from love. - Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, - That no one can abuse, unless they love him. - -_Must._ Madam, the king. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING HUNCAMUNCA. - - _King._ Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. - [_Exeunt_ CLEORA _and_ MUSTACHA. - Daughter, I have observed of late some grief - Unusual in your countenance; your eyes - That, like two open windows,[121] used to show - The lovely beauty of the rooms within. - Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? - Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? - We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. - - _Hunc._ Alas! my lord, I value not myself - That once I ate two fowls and half a pig; - Small is that praise![122] but oh! a maid may want - What she can neither eat nor drink. - - _King._ What's that? - - _Hunc._ O spare my blushes;[123] but I mean a husband. - - _King._ If that be all, I have provided one, - A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword - Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, - Whose name in Terra Incognita is known, - Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise - Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies. - - _Hunc._ Whom does my royal father mean? - - _King._ Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Is it possible? - - _King._ Ha! the window-blinds are gone; - A country-dance of joy is in your face.[124] - Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. - - _Hunc._ Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound, - Enough to turn me into beef indeed! - Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, - I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. - For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. - - _King._ Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. - A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. - - _Hunc._ Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell - That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. - Oh! I am overjoy'd! - - _King._ I see thou art. - Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;[125] - Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, - As small-shot through a hedge. - - _Hunc._ Oh! say not small. - - _King._ This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, - Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. - Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms - Must still detain the hero from his arms; - Various his duty, various his delight; - Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, - And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,[126] - When with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down to earth, and takes a bit--and then - Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again. - - -SCENE V. - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh![127] - Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass, - Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; - As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, - That thus of me you dare to make your game?[128] - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you - A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; - But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; - Love often lords into the cellar bears, - And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. - For what's too high for love, or what's too low? - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ But, granting all you say of love were true, - My love, alas! is to another due. - In vain to me a suitoring you come, - For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ And can my princess such a durgen wed? - One fitter for your pocket than your bed! - Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, - Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. - Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch, - Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. - Then, while in joys together lost we lie,[129] - I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. - - _Hunc._ If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, - All obstacles of promise you remove; - For all engagements to a man must fall, - Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. - - _Griz._ Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, - Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! - But, by the stars and glory! you appear - Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; - One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, - Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; - The milky way is not so white, that's flat, - And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. - - _Hunc._ Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, - It is impossible to be unkind. - - _Griz._ Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound[130] - From one pole to another pole rebound; - The earth and sky each be a battledore, - And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: - To Doctors Commons for a licence I - Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. - - _Hunc._ Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet, - 'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. - - _Griz._ Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should - By that vile place contaminate her blood; - My quick return shall to my charmer prove - I travel on the post-horses of love.[131] - - _Hunc._ Those post-horses to me will seem too slow - Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they - Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity. - - -SCENE VI. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Thumb._ Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? - Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love, - That light up all with love my waxen soul?[132] - Where is that face which artful nature made - In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?[133] - - _Hunc._ Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,[134] - Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? - What are these praises now to me, since I - Am promised to another? - - _Thumb._ Ha! promised? - - _Hunc._ Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. - - _Thumb._ Then I will tear away the leaf[135] - Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow - So large a gap within its journal-book, - I'll blot it out at least. - - -SCENE VII. - -GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Glum._ I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,[136] - Your brandy-nose proclaims---- - - _Hunc._ I am a princess; - Nor need I ask who you are. - - _Glum._ A giantess; - The queen of those who made and unmade queens. - - _Hunc._ The man whose chief ambition is to be - My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants. - - _Glum._ Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once - Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? - - _Hunc._ Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame - Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. - The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,[137] - May well sit easy on the hand or foot. - - _Glum._ I glory in the number, and when I - Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, - Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. - - _Hunc._ Let me see nearer what this beauty is - That captivates the heart of men by scores. - [_Holds a candle to her face._ - Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. - - _Glum._ You'd give the best of shoes within your shop - To be but half so handsome. - - _Hunc._ Since you come - To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:[138] - Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. - - _Glum._ Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill - That bed where twenty giants used to lie. - - _Thumb._ In the balcony that o'erhangs the stage, - I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage; - One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, - The other shows a little piece of gold; - She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, - And leaves the larger and the baser coin. - - _Glum._ Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this; - I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,[139] - Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. - I'm all within a hurricane, as if - The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.[140] - Confusion,[141] horror, murder, gripes, and death! - - -SCENE VIII. - -KING, GLUMDALCA. - - _King._ Sure never was so sad a king as I![142] - My life is worn as ragged as a coat[143] - A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. - To love a captive and a giantess![144] - Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! - My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, - Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca![145] - Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make, - But an angelic soul was shuffled in. - I am a multitude of walking griefs,[146] - And only on her lips the balm is found - To spread a plaster that might cure them all.[147] - - _Glum._ What do I hear? - - _King._ What do I see? - - _Glum._ Oh! - - _King._ Ah! - - _Glum._ Ah! wretched queen![148] - - _King._ Oh! wretched king! - - _Glum._ Ah![149] - - _King._ Oh! - - -SCENE IX. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA, PARSON. - - _Par._ Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing; - For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night - Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. - - _Thumb._ It shall be my endeavour so to do. - - _Hunc._ Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. - - _Thumb._ It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: - I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;[150] - I'm so transported, I have lost myself.[151] - - _Hunc._ Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small, - That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. - So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, - Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; - In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan. - For ah, the needle was for ever gone. - - _Par._ Long may they live, and love, and propagate, - Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! - So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,[152] - Another and another still succeeds: - By thousands and ten thousands they increase, - Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese. - - -SCENE X. - -NOODLE, _and then_ GRIZZLE. - - _Nood._ Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,[153] - Or else unfix the world, and in a rage - To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; - All things are so confused, the king's in love, - The queen is drunk, the princess married is. - - _Griz._ Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? - - _Nood._ I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none - Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone. - The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. - - _Griz._ D--n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?[154] - I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. - - _Nood._ By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ My Huncamunca![155] - - _Nood._ Your Huncamunca, - Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. - - _Griz._ If this be true, all womankind are curst. - - _Nood._ If it be not, may I be so myself. - - _Griz._ See where she comes! I'll not believe a word - Against that face, upon whose ample brow[156] - Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. - - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. - The licence in my hand! - - _Hunc._ Alas! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ Why dost thou mention him? - - _Hunc._ Ah, me! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ What means my lovely Huncamunca? - - _Hunc._ Hum? - - _Griz._ Oh! speak. - - _Hunc._ Hum! - - _Griz._ Ha! your every word is hum: - You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.[157] - Tom Thumb--I'm on the rack--I'm in a flame. - Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb--you love the name;[158] - So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb, - You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! - My ample heart for more than one has room: - A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. - I married him, and now I'll marry you.[159] - - _Griz._ Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? - Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? - Since to that office one cannot suffice, - And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, - Go, get your husband put into commission. - Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) - The duty of a husband to your highness. - Yet think not long I will my rival bear, - Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; - The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined - Within the hollow caverns of my mind, - In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, - Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, - And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.[160] - So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,[161] - A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, - Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, - Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along. - The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen, - Together cram the dirty and the clean, - And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. - - _Hunc._ Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay - My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day, - I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, - May go again this night alone to bed. - So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,[162] - Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, - To give the preference to either loth, - And fondly coveting to sit on both, - While the two stools her sitting-part confound, - Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III. - -SCENE I.--KING ARTHUR'S _Palace._ - -_Ghost_[163] (_solus_). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon! - - Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail! - And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats - Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit, - All hail!--Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day, - Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire, - Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves, - To the loud music of the silent bell,[164] - All hail! - - -SCENE II. - -KING, GHOST. - - _King_. What noise is this? What villain dares, - At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane, - Disturb our royal walls? - - _Ghost_. One who defies - Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares[165] - Walk in thy bedchamber. - - _King_. Presumptuous slave! - Thou diest. - - _Ghost_. Threaten others with that word: - I am a ghost, and am already dead.[166] - - _King_. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come, - This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud[167] - I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder, - Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away. - Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [GHOST _retires_. - I thought what was the courage of a ghost![168] - Yet, dare not, on thy life--Why say I that, - Since life thou hast not?--Dare not walk again - Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea. - For, if henceforth I ever find thee here, - As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid---- - - _Ghost._ Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin, - The liquor (when alive) whose very smell - I did detest, did loathe--yet, for the sake - Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. - - _King._ Ha! said you? - - _Ghost._ Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb, - Whose father's ghost I am--once not unknown - To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true, - The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget. - - _King._ 'Tis he--it is the honest Gaffer Thumb. - Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms, - Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost! - - _Ghost._ Would I were something more, that we again - Might feel each other in the warm embrace. - But now I have th' advantage of my king, - For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.[169] - - _King._ But say, thou dearest air,[170] oh! say what dread, - Important business sends thee back to earth? - - _Ghost._ Oh! then prepare to hear--which but to hear - Is full enough to send thy spirit hence. - Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led, - Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope - The shutters of the sky, before the gate - Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread. - So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,[171] - So have I seen the stars in frosty nights, - So have I seen the sand in windy days, - So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore, - So have I seen the flowers in spring arise, - So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall, - So have I seen the fruits in summer smile, - So have I seen the snow in winter frown. - - _King._ D--n all thou hast seen!--dost thou, beneath the shape - Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me - With similes, to keep me on the rack? - Hence--or, by all the torments of thy hell, - I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.[172] - - _Ghost._ Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence, - Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks! - Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware! - Strive to avert thy yet impending fate; - For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day, - To-morrow all thy care will come too late. - - -SCENE III. - -KING, _solus_. - - _King._ Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus! - And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate, - Oh! teach me how I may avert it too! - Curs'd be the man who first a simile made! - Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes--So have I seen! - Those whose comparisons are just and true, - And those who liken things not like at all. - The devil is happy that the whole creation - Can furnish out no simile to his fortune. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING, QUEEN. - - _Queen._ What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal - Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast? - Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,[173] - When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites? - - _King._ Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love! - I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid - Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find - There is no power in drams to quiet wives; - Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake, - And shine upon their husbands. - - _Queen._ Think, oh, think! - What a surprise it must be to the sun, - Rising, to find the vanish'd world away. - What less can be the wretched wife's surprise - When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast, - She found her useless bolster in her arms. - Think, think, on that.--Oh! think, think well on that![174] - I do remember also to have read - In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,[175] - That Jove in form inanimate did lie - With beauteous Danae: and, trust me, love, - I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.[176] - - _King._ Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex! - Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee, - So many husbands never had worn horns. - Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake, - Tom Thumb indeed were blest.--Oh, fatal name - For didst thou know one quarter what I know, - Then wouldst thou know--alas! what thou wouldst know! - - _Queen._ What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak - Like men who carry rareeshows about? - "Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see." - O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much. - - -SCENE V. - -KING, QUEEN, NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Long life attend your majesties serene, - Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen! - Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd, - Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud, - Unless the princess be deliver'd straight, - And the victorious Thumb, without his pate, - They are resolv'd to batter down the gate. - - -SCENE VI. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, NOODLE. - - _King._ See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb? - - _Hunc._ Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago - He sallied out t' encounter with the foe, - And swore, unless his fate had him misled, - From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head, - And serve't up with your chocolate in bed. - - _King._ 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both. - Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come; - Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb: - In peace and safety we secure may stay, - While to his arm we trust the bloody fray; - Though men and giants should conspire with gods, - He is alone equal to all these odds.[177] - - _Queen._ He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;[178] - While he supports we need not fear to fall; - His arm despatches all things to our wish, - And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish. - Void is the mistress of the house of care, - While the good cook presents the bill of fare; - Whether the cod, that northern king of fish, - Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish, - No fears the number of her guests afford, - But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board. - - -SCENE VII.--_Plain._ - -GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS. - - _Griz._ Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; - For, though we have not fought, yet we have found - No enemy to fight withal.[179] - - _Food._ Yet I, - Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, - This first of April to engage our foes.[180] - - _Griz._ This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose, - For on this day my grandmother was born. - Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; - Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,[181] - And send it post to the Elysian shades. - - _Food._ I'm glad to find our army is so stout, - Nor does it move my wonder less than joy. - - _Griz._ What friends we have, and how we came so strong,[182] - I'll softly tell you as we march along. - - -SCENE VIII.--_Thunder and Lightning._ - -TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _cum suis._ - - _Thumb._ Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? - The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,[183] - As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,[184] - And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; - Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ What voice is this I hear? - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Again it calls. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Glum._ It calls again. - - _Thumb._ Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not. - - _Merl._ Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend, - Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, - And to my art thou dost thy being owe. - - _Thumb._ How? - - _Merl._ Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb. - - His father was a ploughman plain, - His mother milk'd the cow; - And yet the way to get a son - This couple knew not how, - Until such time the good old man - To learned Merlin goes, - And there to him, in great distress, - In secret manner shows - How in his heart he wish'd to have - A child, in time to come, - To be his heir, though it may be - No bigger than his thumb: - Of which old Merlin was foretold - That he his wish should have; - And so a son of stature small - The charmer to him gave.[185] - - Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future. - - _Thumb._ Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;[186] - See there, Glumdalca, see another me![187] - - _Glum._ O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd - By the expanded jaws of a red cow. - - _Merl._ Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, - For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.[188] - See from afar a theatre arise; - There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay - To the heroic actions of this day; - Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose - Thy name the best supporter of her muse. - - _Thumb._ Enough: let every warlike music sound. - We fall contented, if we fall renown'd. - - -SCENE IX. - -LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS, _on one side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on -the other._ - - _Food._ At length the enemy advances nigh, - I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.[189] - - _Griz._ Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, - And liberty the mustard is of life.[190] - - _Thumb._ Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name? - - _Griz._ Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?[191] - - _Thumb._ The same. - - _Griz._ Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; - For liberty I fight. - - _Thumb._ And I for love. - - [_A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums beating, - trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, They fight off and on - several times. Some fall._ GRIZZLE _and_ GLUMDALCA _remain._ - - _Glum._ Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly. - - _Griz._ Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm. - - _Glum._ Have at thy heart. - - _Griz._ Nay, then I thrust at thine. - - _Glum._ You push too well; you've run me through the body, - And I am dead. - - _Griz._ Then there's an end of one. - - _Thumb._ When thou art dead, then there's an end of two. - Villain.[192] - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Rebel! - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Hell! - - _Griz._ Huncamunca! - - _Thumb._ Thou hast it there. - - _Griz._ Too sure I feel it. - - _Thumb._ To hell then, like a rebel as you are, - And give my service to the rebels there. - - _Griz._ Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy - Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send - My ghost to fetch her to the other world;[193] - It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.[194] - But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:[195] - Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,[196] - And gently whispers it to haste away. - I come, I come, most willingly I come. - So when some city wife, for country air, - To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, - Her to make haste her husband does implore, - And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:" - With equal wish, desirous to be gone, - She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!" - - _Thumb._ With those last words he vomited his soul,[197] - Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.[198] - Bear off the body, and cut off the head, - Which I will to the king in triumph lug. - Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast. - - -SCENE X. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, COURTIERS. - - _King._ Open the prisons, set the wretched free, - And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds - To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day. - Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name![199] - It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it. - By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll, - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down. - Here seated let us view the dancers' sports; - Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day - Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb; - Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,[200] - And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. [_A dance here._ - - _Nood._ Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible--Oh! oh! - Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! - Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! - Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts![201] - - _King._ What does the blockhead mean? - - _Nood._ I mean, my liege, - Only to grace my tale with decent horror.[202] - Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high, - I look'd abroad into the streets below, - I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob; - Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links, - Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs; - Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle; - When of a sudden through the streets there came - A cow, of larger than the usual size, - And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!-- - And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer - Not give three farthings out--hang all the culprits, - Guilty or not--no matter. Kill my cows! - Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys! - Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose, - To rob, impose on, and to kill the world. - - _Nood._ Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. - - _Queen._ Not so much in a swoon but I have still - Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. - [_Kills_ NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Oh! I am slain. - - _Cle._ My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. - [_Kills the_ QUEEN. - - _Hunc._ My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. - [_Kills_ CLEORA. - - _Dood._ This for an old grudge to thy heart. - [_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Must._ And this - I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [_Kills_ DOODLE. - - _King._ Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST. - And take thou this.[203] [_Kills himself, and falls._ - So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards, - Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards, - Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down, - Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown; - So all our pack upon the floor is cast, - And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 65: Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to -fix the action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers have -understood to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, or what -we generally call a fine summer's day: so that, according to this their -exposition, the same months are proper for tragedy which are proper for -pastoral. Most of our celebrated English tragedies, as Cato, Mariamne, -Tamerlane, &c., begin with their observations on the morning. Lee seems -to have come the nearest to this beautiful description of our author's:-- - - "The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson, - The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds - Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends - The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness: - All nature smiles."--"Caes. Borg." - -Massinissa, in the new Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun:-- - - "The sun too seems - As conscious of my joy, with broader eye - To look abroad the world, and all things smile - Like Sophonisba." - -Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he -may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness:-- - - "The morning rises slow, - And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint - The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if - The horrors of the night had sent 'em back, - To warn the sun he should not leave the sea, - To peep," &c. -] - -[Footnote 66: This line is highly conformable to the beautiful simplicity -of the ancients. It hath been copied by almost every modern:-- - - "Not to be is not to be in woe."--"State of Innocence." - - "Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love."--"Don Sebastian." - - "Nature is nature, Laelius."--"Sophonisba." - - "Men are but men, we did not make ourselves."--"Revenge." -] - -[Footnote 67: Dr. B--y reads. The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr. D--s, The -mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr. T--d reads, Thundering. I think Thomas more -agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.] - -[Footnote 68: That learned historian Mr. S--n, in the third number of his -criticism on our author, takes great pains to explode this passage. "It -is," says he, "difficult to guess what giants are here meant, unless the -giant Despair in the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' or the giant Greatness in the -'Royal Villain;' for I have heard of no other sort of giants in the reign -of king Arthur." Petrus Burmannus makes three Tom Thumbs, one whereof -he supposes to have been the same person whom the Greeks call Hercules; -and that by these giants are to be understood the Centaurs slain by that -hero. Another Tom Thumb he contends to have been no other than the Hermes -Trismegistus of the ancients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the -reign of king Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of -the other two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is -supported by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non -alium quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose -one line of Mr. Midwinter against them all: - - "In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live." - -"But then," says Dr. B--y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of king -Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no -giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his "Fairy Queen," is of another -opinion, where, describing Albion, he says:-- - - "Far within a savage nation dwelt - Of hideous gants." - -And in the same canto:-- - - "Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had - The one of which had two heads-- - The other three." - -Risum teneatis, amici.] - -[Footnote 69: "To whisper in books," says Mr. D--s, "is arrant nonsense." -I am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the -extensive meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood what -is meant by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian Princess, or -what "whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like thunder in another -author, he would have understood this. Emmeline in Dryden sees a voice, -but she was born blind, which is an excuse Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, -who hears a sight: - - "Your description will surpass - All fiction, painting, or dumb show of horror, - That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld." - -When Mr. D--s understands these, he will understand whispering in books.] - -[Footnote 70: - - "Some ruffian stept into his father's place, - And more than half begot him."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 71: - - "For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven, - To civilize this rugged Indian clime."--"Lib. Asserted." -] - -[Footnote 72: "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se majus -continere potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would have -cavilled at these beautiful lines in the "Earl of Essex:" - - "Thy most inveterate soul, - That looks through the foul prison of thy body." - -And at those of Dryden: - - "The palace is without too well design'd; - Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 73: Mr. Banks hath copied this almost verbatim: - - "It was enough to say, here's Essex come, - And nurses still'd their children with the fright."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 74: The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say: -Enter king, which makes Mr. Banks, in one of his plays, call it the -trumpet's formal sound.] - -[Footnote 75: Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted -with king Arthur: - - "Proclaim a festival for seven days' space, - Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre, - Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy; - Let music's care-dispelling voice be heard; - The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet - Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness. - Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast." -] - -[Footnote 76: - - "Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow."--"Sophonisba." - - "Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair."--_Ibid._ - - "A sullen gloom - Scowls on his brow."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 77: Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr. Banks:-- - - "Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 78: These floods are very frequent in the tragic authors:-- - - "Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down, - Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow, - My tears shall swell them up till I will drown."--Lee's "Soph." - - "Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate, - That were the world on fire they might have drown'd - The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin."--"Mithridates." - -One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy: - - "These tears, that sprung from tides of grief, - Are now augmented to a flood of joy."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Another: - - "Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow - In pity's channel."--"Royal Villain." - -One drowns himself: - - "Pity like a torrent pours me down, - Now I am drowning all within a deluge."--"Anna Bullen." - -Cyrus drowns the whole world: - - "Our swelling grief - Shall melt into a deluge, and the world - Shall drown in tears."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 79: An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says -Mr. D--s, yet we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of Mithridates -less properly used, and applied to a more terrible idea: - - "I would be drunk with death."--"Mithridates." - -The author of the new Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and -uses it pretty much to the same purpose:-- - - "The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood - Was drunk." - -I would ask Mr. D--s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or a -drunken sword? - -Mr. Tate dresses up king Arthur's resolution in heroic: - - "Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right, - I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night." - -Lee also uses this charming word: - - "Love's the drunkenness of the mind."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 80: Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly: - - "I'm half-seas o'er in death."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 81: This figure is in great use among the tragedians: - - "'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis."--"Victim." - - "I long, repent, repent, and long again."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 82: A tragical exclamation.] - -[Footnote 83: This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.] - -[Footnote 84: We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated -authors: - - "Each star withdraws - His golden head, and burns within the socket."--"Nero." - - "A soul grown old and sunk into the socket."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 85: This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic -writers of both kinds.] - -[Footnote 86: Mr. Lee hath stolen this thought from our author: - - "This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council, - Which they were long in making."--"Luc. Jun. Brut." - - "At his birth the heavenly council paused, - And then at last cried out, This is a man!" - -Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection: - - "So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd - At their own skill, and cried, A lucky hit - Has mended our design! Their envy hinder'd, - Or you had been immortal, and a pattern, - When Heaven would work for ostentation sake, - To copy out again."--"All for Love." - -Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods: - - "A pattern for the gods to make a man by, - Or Michael Angelo to form a statue." -] - -[Footnote 87: It is impossible, says Mr. W----, sufficiently to admire -this natural easy line.] - -[Footnote 88: This tragedy, which in most points resembles the ancients, -differs from them in this--that it assigns the same honour to lowness -of stature which they did to height. The gods and heroes in Homer and -Virgil are continually described higher by the head than their followers, -the contrary of which is observed by our author. In short, to exceed on -either side is equally admirable; and a man of three foot is as wonderful -a sight as a man of nine.] - -[Footnote 89: - - "My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading - My soul will quickly sink."--"Mithridates." - - "My soul is like a ship."--"Injured Love." -] - -[Footnote 90: This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian -Princess: - - "To be your humblest and most faithful slave." -] - -[Footnote 91: This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in -the "Captives," where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of -leaves:-- - - "Methinks I hear - The sound of feet: - No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs." -] - -[Footnote 92: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the -first page of Love Triumphant.] - -[Footnote 93: Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of -his mistress: - - "While in the lustre of her charms I lay." -] - -[Footnote 94: A tragical phrase much in use.] - -[Footnote 95: This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical -authors, who seem to have rifled it, and share its beauties among them: - - "My soul waits at the portal of thy breast, - To ravish from thy lips the welcome news."--"Anna Bullen." - - "My soul stands list'ning at my ears."--"Cyrus the Great." - - "Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring, - But reason overwinds, and cracks the string."--"D. of Guise." - - "I should have loved - Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it."--"New Sophonisba." - - "And when it (_my heart_) wild resolves to love no more, - Then is the triumph of excessive love."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 96: Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb. - - "Oh! happy, happy, happy!"--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 97: - - "No by myseif."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 98: - - "Who caused - This dreadful revolution in my fate, - Ulamar. Who but a dog--who but a dog?"--"Liberty As." -] - -[Footnote 99: - - "A bride, - Who twenty years lay loving by your side."--Banks. -] - -[Footnote 100: - - "For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall, - And rain down royal vengeance on you all."--"Alb. Queens." -] - -[Footnote 101: An information very like this we have in the tragedy of -Love, where Cyrus, having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares -observes very calmly, "Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved?"] - -[Footnote 102: - - "'Tis in your choice. - Love me, or love me not."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 103: There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what -hath been borrow'd by almost every tragic writer.] - -[Footnote 104: Mr. Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) -imitated this of Grizzle in his Earl of Essex: - - "Where art thou, Essex," &c. -] - -[Footnote 105: The Countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is -apparently acquainted with Dollallolla.] - -[Footnote 106: Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glue of which -Mr. Banks speaks in his Cyrus: - - "I'll glue my ears to every word." -] - -[Footnote 107: - - "Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters, - Are screaming in that voice."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 108: The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a -late ode, called the "Naval Lyrick."] - -[Footnote 109: This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an -idea as were to be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more difficult -to be imagined than a flying fish. Mr. Dryden is of opinion that smiling -is the property of reason, and that no irrational creature can smile: - - "Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move."--"State of Innocence." -] - -[Footnote 110: These lines are written in the same key with those in the -Earl of Essex: - - "Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed - I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true." - -Or with this in Cyrus: - - "The most heroic mind that ever was." - -And with above half of the modern tragedies.] - -[Footnote 111: Aristotle, in that excellent work of his, which is very -justly styled his masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of -art, however coarse or even indecent they may be. Mr. Tate is of the same -opinion. - - "_Bru._ Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about. - Your game flies fair. - - _Fra._ Do not fear it. - He answers you in your hawking phrase."--"In Love." - -I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify Dollallolla -in the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the same line she says -she is speaking to a setting-dog.] - -[Footnote 112: We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King -Arthur: - - "Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates, - Are weighing now within the scales of heaven." - -Also in Sebastian:-- - - "This hour my lot is weighing in the scales." -] - -[Footnote 113: Mr. Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints -from this scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragic -writers, bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I am -unwilling to imagine he would condescend to copy him in this particular.] - -[Footnote 114: This method of surprising an audience, by raising their -expectation to the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been -practised with great success by most of our tragical authors.] - -[Footnote 115: Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress:-- - - "Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts, - Thin hollow sounds and lamentable screams; - Then like a dying echo from afar, - My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda; - Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime." -] - -[Footnote 116: "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says -Mr. D--s. The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the sun's -blushing at any indecent object; and therefore on all such occasions he -addresses himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out of the way. - - "Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail. - Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene."--"Busiris." - - "Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning."--_Ibid._ - -Mr. Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not -likely to be disgusted at such a sight: - - "The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you."--"Mary Queen of - Scots." -] - -[Footnote 117: Neurmahal sends the same message to heaven: - - "For I would have you, when you upwards move, - Speak kindly of us to our friends above."--"Aurengzebe." - -We find another to hell in the Persian Princess: - - "Villain, get thee down - To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun." -] - -[Footnote 118: Anthony gives the same command in the same words.] - -[Footnote 119: - - "Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou, Marius?"--Otway's "Marius." -] - -[Footnote 120: Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; -such as-- - - "Haughty weakness."--"Victim." - - "Great small world."--"Noah's Flood." -] - -[Footnote 121: Lee hath improved this metaphor: - - "Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes, - The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee? - So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise, - When they some young triumpher fain would see."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 122: Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetities: - - "To eat and drink can no perfection be.--"Conquest of Granada." - -The Earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the chief -happiness of a general therein: - - "Were but commanders half so well rewarded, - Then they might eat."--Banks's "Earl of Essex." - -But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil himself, -we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is generally -imagined: - - "Gods are immortal only by their food."-- - -"Lucifer, in the State of Innocence."] - -[Footnote 123: "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr. D., -"utterly to destroy the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman of -no abandoned character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus excusing -herself: - - "To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride, - Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it, - But Nature does not. When we are athirst, - Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay, - Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?"-- - "Cleomenes." - -Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. Cassandra -speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her father.] - -[Footnote 124: - - "Her eyes resistless magic bear: - Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there,"--Lee's "Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 125: Mr. Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty -Asserted, which is thought to have given so great a stroke to the late -French king, hath frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king -Arthur: - - "Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm." - "Joy lighten'd in her eyes." - "Joys like light'ning dart along my soul." -] - -[Footnote 126: - - "Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then - Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 127: This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr. W----, to be -written in gold, is imitated in the New Sophonisba: - - "Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh! - Oh! Narva; Narva, oh!" - -The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it: - - "Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas!" - -Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two meanings in -the repeated words.] - -[Footnote 128: Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the -same familiar language: - - "Your grace is full of game." -] - -[Footnote 129: - - "Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky, - Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie, - And press her soul while gods stand wishing by."--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 130: - - "Let the four winds from distant corners meet, - And on their wings first bear it into France; - Then back again to Edina's proud walls, - Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls."--"Albion Queens." -] - -[Footnote 131: I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic -poets as those borrowed from riding post. - - "The gods and opportunity ride post."--"Hannibal." - - "Let's rush together, - For death rides post."--"Duke of Guise." - - "Destruction gallops to thy murder post."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 132: This image, too, very often occurs: - - "Bright as when thy eye - First lighted up our loves."--"Aurengzebe." - - "'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 133: There is great dissension among the poets concerning the -method of making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was made -in being lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in Dryden, gives -a merry description of his own formation: - - "Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd, - But threw me in for number to the rest."--"State of Innocence." - -In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal: - - "I was form'd - Of that coarse metal which, when she was made, - The gods threw by for rubbish."--"All for Love." - -In another of dough: - - "When the gods moulded up the paste of man, - Some of their clay was left upon their hands. - And so they made Egyptians."--"Cleomenes." - -In another of clay: - - "Rubbish of remaining clay."--Sebastian." - -One makes the soul of wax: - - "Her waxen soul begins to melt apace."--"Anna Bullen." - -Another of flint: - - "Sure our souls have somewhere been acquainted - In former beings, or, struck out together, - One spark to Afric flew, and one to Portugal."--"Sebastian." - -To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls which are -so plenty in modern authors--I cannot omit the dress of a soul as we find -it in Dryden: - - "Souls shirted but with air."--"King Arthur." - -Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of -description in the New Sophonisba. - - "Ye mysterious powers, - Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander, - Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm, - The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds - Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy." -] - -[Footnote 134: This line Mr. Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna -Bullen.] - -[Footnote 135: - - "Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay, - But to tear out the journal of that day. - Or, if the order of the world below - Will not the gap of one whole day allow, - Give me that minute when she made her vow."-- - - "Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 136: I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr. -Dryden, in the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a scene -which Mr. Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is much -beholden to our author. How just this their observation is I will not -presume to determine.] - -[Footnote 137: "A cobbling poet indeed," says Mr. D.; and yet I believe -we may find as monstrous images in the tragic authors. I'll put down -one: "Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a bride's -hair."--"Injured Love." - -Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our -author's to a shoemaker's.] - -[Footnote 138: Mr. L---- takes occasion in this place to commend the -great care of our author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which -Shakespeare, Jonson, and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and the -moderns, in imitation of our author, so laudably observant: - - "Then does - Your majesty believe that he can be - A traitor?"--"Earl of Essex." - -Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence.] - -[Footnote 139: - - "Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind."--"Aurengzebe." - - "Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 140: - - "With such a furious tempest on his brow, - As if the world's four winds were pent within - His blustering carcase."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 141: Verba Tragica.] - -[Footnote 142: This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.] - -[Footnote 143: - - "My life is worn to rags, - Not worth a prince's wearing"--"Love Triumphant." -] - -[Footnote 144: - - "Must I beg the pity of my slave? - Must a king beg? But love's a greater king, - A tryant, nay, a devil, that possesses me. - He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks, - Unknown to me, within me."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 145: - - "When thou wert form'd heaven did a man begin; - But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 146: - - "I am a multitude - Of walking griefs."--"New Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 147: - - "I will take thy scorpion blood, - And lay it to my grief till I have ease."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 148: Our author, who everywhere shows his great penetration -into human nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet -would have raised a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the -passions better, and that so violent an affection as this must be too big -for utterance, chooses rather to send his characters off in this sullen -and doleful manner, in which admirable conduct he is imitated by the -author of the justly celebrated Eurydice. Dr. Young seems to point at -this violence of passion: - - "Passion chokes - Their words, and they're the statues of despair." - -And Seneca tells us, "Curae leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The -story of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to be -inserted; I refer the more curious reader to the excellent Montaigne, who -hath written an essay on this subject.] - -[Footnote 149: - - "To part is death. - 'Tis death to part. - Ah! - Oh!"--"Don Carlos." -] - -[Footnote 150: - - "Nor know I whether - What am I, who, or where."--"Busiris." - - "I was I know not what, and am I know not how."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 151: To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it -will be necessary that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I -shall not attempt to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make so -plainly evident. - -One runs away from the other: - - "Let me demand your majesty, - Why fly you from yourself?"--"Duke of Guise." - -In a second, one self is a guardian to the other: - - "Leave me the care of me."--"Conquest of Granada." - -Again: - - "Myself am to myself less near."--_Ibid._ - -In the same, the first self is proud of the second: - - "I myself am proud of me."--"State of Innocence." - -In a third, distrustful of him: - - "Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear. - That none besides might hear, nay, not myself."--"Earl of Essex." - -In a fourth, honours him: - - "I honour Rome, - And honour too myself."--"Sophonisba." - -In a fifth, at variance with him: - - "Leave me not thus at variance with myself."--"Busiris." - -Again, in a sixth: - - "I find myself divided from myself."--"Medea." - - "She seemed the sad effigies of herself."--Banks. - - "Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be - The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me."--"Alb. Q." - -From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom -Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented by -men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise.] - -[Footnote 152: Mr. F. imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one, from -his simile.] - -[Footnote 153: Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom: - - "Great nature, break thy chain that links together - The fabric of the world, and make a chaos - Like that within my soul."--"Love Triumphant." - "Startle Nature, unfix the globe, - And hurl it from its axletree and hinges."--"Albion Queens." - - "The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props." -] - -[Footnote 154: - - "D--n your delay, ye torturers, proceed: - I will not hear one word but Almahide."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 155: Mr. Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.] - -[Footnote 156: This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba. - - "And on her ample brow - Sat majesty." -] - -[Footnote 157: - - "Your ev'ry answer still so ends in that, - You force me still to answer you, Morat."--"Aurengzebe. -] - -[Footnote 158: - - "Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 159: "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says -Mr. D--s. And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous -Panthea, in Cyrus, hath a heart every whit as ample: - - "For two I must confess are gods to me, - Which is my Abradatus first, and thee."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so -intelligible: - - "I am so divided, - That I grieve most for both, and love both most." -] - -[Footnote 160: A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the -great and extensive largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not so to -those who consider the great expansion of immaterial substance. Mr. Banks -makes one soul to be so expanded, that heaven could not contain it. - - "The heavens are all too narrow for her soul."--"Virtue Betrayed." - -The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this: - - "We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves, - Shall glut hell's empty regions." - -This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, only -to fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full.] - -[Footnote 161: Mr. Addison is generally thought to have had this simile -in his eye when he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third act -of his Cato.] - -[Footnote 162: This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does -honour to the English language: - - "Between two stools the breech falls to the ground." - -I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as -with those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down -to us under the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead of -filling their pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our modern -poets would think it worth their while to enrich their works with the -proverbial sayings of their ancestors. Mr. Dryden hath chronicled one in -heroic: - - "Two ifs scarce make one possibility."--"Conq. of Granada." - -My Lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and sciences -might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I am of -the same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least I am -confident that a more perfect system of ethics, as well as economy, might -be compiled out of them than is at present extant, either in the works of -the ancient philosophers, or those more valuable, as more voluminous ones -of the modern divines.] - -[Footnote 163: Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls -short of the ancients, there is none so much to be lamented as the great -scarcity of ghosts. Whence this proceeds I will not presume to determine. -Some are of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that sublime language -which a ghost ought to speak. One says, ludicrously, that ghosts are -out of fashion; another, that they are properer for comedy; forgetting, -I suppose, that Aristotle hath told us that a ghost is the soul of -tragedy; for so I render the [Greek: psyche ho mythos tes tragodias], -which M. Dacier, amongst others, hath mistaken; I suppose misled by not -understanding the Fabula of the Latins, which signifies a ghost as well -as fable. - - "Te premet nox, fabulaeque manes."--Horace. - -Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned -and judicious foreign critic gives the preference to this of our author. -These are his words, speaking of this tragedy:--"Nec quidquam in illa -admirabilius quam phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus aliis spectris, -quibuscum scatet Angelorum tragoedia, longe (pace D--ysii V. Doctiss. -dixerim) praetulerim."] - -[Footnote 164: We have already given instances of this figure.] - -[Footnote 165: Almanzor reasons in the same manner: - - "A ghost I'll be; - And from a ghost, you know, no place is free."--"Conq. of Gran."] - -[Footnote 166: "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr. D., -"would have picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to show not only -bad in itself, but doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in -that excellent play of Liberty Asserted, we find something very much -resembling a pun in the mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the -lover she is fond of: - - "_Ul._ Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell. - - _Irene._ The gods have given to others to fare well, - O! miserably must Irene fare." - -Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn -occasion--that of sacrificing his daughter: - - "Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest; - Yes, you must offer up your--vows for Greece." -] - -[Footnote 167: - - "I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light, - Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there. - And make thee groan thyself away to air."--"Conq. of Gran." - - "Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 168: - - "So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast, - I thought what was the courage of a ghost."--"Conq. of Gran." - -King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most -heroically: "In spite of ghosts I'll on."] - -[Footnote 169: The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, -and is therefore worth reading: - - "Ah, Cyrus! - Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air, - As think of touching my immortal shade."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 170: - - "Thou better part of heavenly air."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 171: "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in -the cabinet of a prince."] - -[Footnote 172: This passage hath been understood several different ways -by the commentators. For my part I find it difficult to understand it at -all. Mr. Dryden says-- - - "I've heard something how two bodies meet, - But how two souls join I know not." - -So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be -difficult to understand how it is possible to run him through it.] - -[Footnote 173: Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollalolla: - - "I never durst in darkness be alone."--"Ind. Emp." -] - -[Footnote 174: - - "Think well of this, think that, think every way."--"Sophon." -] - -[Footnote 175: These quotations are more usual in the comic than in the -tragic writers.] - -[Footnote 176: "This distress," says Mr. D--, "I must allow to be -extremely beautiful, and tends to heighten the virtuous character of -Dollallolla, who is so exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest -apprehension from the inanimate embrace of a bolster. An example worthy -of imitation for all our writers of tragedy."] - -[Footnote 177: - - "Credat Judaeus Appella, - Non ego," - -says Mr. D. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, can -we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow--I say again a little -insignificant fellow--able to vie with a strength which all the Samsons -and Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I shall refer -this incredulous critic to Mr. Dryden's defence of his Almanzor; and, -lest that should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few lines from the -speech of a much braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr. Johnson's Achilles: - - "Though human race rise in embattled hosts, - To force her from my arms--Oh! son of Atreus! - By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit - Informs this earth, I will oppose them all."--"Victim." -] - -[Footnote 178: "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr. D., -"but never of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never heard of -sailing with wings, which he may read in no less a poet than Mr. Dryden: - - "Unless we borrow wings and sail through air."--"Love Triumphant. - -What will he say to a kneeling valley? - - "I'll stand - Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee - To some aspiring mountain."--"Injured Love." - -I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an epithet -in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not we read in -the New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white occasions, -and blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but sometimes -half a sentence is put by way of expletive, as "Beauty pointed high -with spirit," in the same play; and "In the lap of blessing, to be most -curst," in the Revenge.] - -[Footnote 179: A victory like that of Almanzor: - -"Almanzor is victorious without fight."--"Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 180: - - "Well have we chose an happy day for fight; - For every man, in course of time, has found - Some days are lucky, some unfortunate."--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 181: We read of such another in Lee: - - "Teach his rude wit a flight she never made, - And send her post to the Elysian shade."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 182: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.] - -[Footnote 183: "Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud."--"Conquest of -Granada."] - -[Footnote 184: - - "Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, - Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, - Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, - Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall."--"Female Warrior." -] - -[Footnote 185: See the History of Tom Thumb, p. 141.] - -[Footnote 186: - - "Amazement swallows up my sense, - And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate - Drinks down my reason."--"Persian Princess." -] - -[Footnote 187: - - "I have outfaced myself. - What! am I two? Is there another me?"--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 188: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most -so in this prophetic part. We find several of these prophecies in the -tragic authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment -to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but our author -(who seems to have detested the least appearance of flattery) would have -passed by such an opportunity of being a political prophet.] - -[Footnote 189: "I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw -him."--"Busiris." In both which places it is intimated that it is -sometimes possible to see with other eyes than your own.] - -[Footnote 190: "This mustard," says Mr. D., "is enough to turn one's -stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head -when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of -Mr. Dennis: - - "And gave him liberty, the salt of life."--"Liberty Asserted." - -The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.] - -[Footnote 191: - - "_Han_, Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call? - - _Scip._ Are you the much more famous Hannibal?"--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 192: Dr Young seems to have copied this engagement in his -Busiris: - - _Myr._ Villain! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Rebel! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Hell! - - _Mem._ Mandane! -] - -[Footnote 193: This last speech of my Lord Grizzle hath been of great -service to our poets: - - "I'll hold it fast - As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; - And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, - I'll send my ghost and fetch it back again."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 194: - - "My soul should with such speed obey, - It should not bait at heaven to stop its way." -] - -[Footnote 195: Lee seems to have had this last in his eye: - - "'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there: - I would but go to heaven to take the air."--"Gloriana." - - "A rising vapour rumbling in my brains."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 196: - - "Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul, - To tell me fate's at hand." -] - -[Footnote 197: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when -he says: - - "My soul is packing up, and just on wing."--"Conq. of Gran." - "And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 198: - - "The devil swallows vulgar souls - Like whipt cream."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 199: - - "How I could curse my name of Ptolemy! - It is so long, it asks an hour to write it. - By heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars! - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my hand."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 200: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by -which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or -to insinuate that men in the honeymoon are apt to imagine time shorter -than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the -Coffee-House Politician: - - "We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow." -] - -[Footnote 201: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single -speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.] - -[Footnote 202: - - "I was but teaching him to grace his tale - With decent horror."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 203: We may say with Dryden: - - "Death did at length so many slain forget, - And left the tale, and took them by the great." - -I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody -catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal -characters dead on the stage. These lines too-- - - "I ask'd no questions then, of who kill'd who? - The bodies tell the story as they lie--" - -seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can -I help imagining they were originally his. The Rival Ladies, too, seem -beholden to this scene: - - "We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death; - Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her, - And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo, - As I on Angelina." - -No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was -applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was -very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This -I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which -remains among us, and which Mr. Dryden, in his essay on Dramatic Poetry, -hath observed. "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself -into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know -not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror -to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in -this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French -have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily -exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so entirely -clear.] - - - - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS: - -THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D BY ANY COMPANY OF -TRAGEDIANS. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, _King of Queerummania_. - BOMBARDINIAN, _his General_. - ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO, - RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS, [_Courtiers_. - _Captain of the Guards._ - _Herald._ - _Cook._ - _Doctor._ - _King of the Fiddlers._ - _King of the Antipodes._ - FADLADINIDA, _Queen of Queerummania_. - TATLANTHE, _her favourite_. - _Two Ladies of the Court._ - _Two Ladies of Pleasure._ - VENUS. - CUPID. - Guards and Attendants, &c. - - SCENE.--QUEERUMMANIA. - - -PROLOGUE. - - To night our comic muse the buskin wears, - And gives herself no small romantic airs; - Struts in heroics, and in pompous verse - Does the minutest incidents rehearse; - In ridicule's strict retrospect displays - The poetasters of these modern days: - Who with big bellowing bombast rend our ears, - Which, stript of sound, quite void of sense appears; - Or else their fiddle-faddle numbers flow, - Serenely dull, elaborately low. - Either extreme, when vain pretenders take, - The actor suffers for the author's sake. - The quite-tir'd audience lose whole hours; yet pay - To go unpleas'd and unimprov'd away. - This being our scheme, we hope you will excuse - The wild excursion of the wanton muse - Who out of frolic wears a mimic mask, - And sets herself so whimsical a task: - 'Tis meant to please, but if should offend, - It's very short, and soon will have an end. - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber in the Palace._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Rig-Fun._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio! - Where left you Chrononhotonthologos? - - _Aldi._ Fatigu'd with the tremendous toils of war, - Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, - Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers, - Lull'd by the cheerful trumpets gladsome clangour, - The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, - He sleeps supine amidst the din of war. - And yet 'tis not definitively sleep; - Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber, - That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses; - For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; - Then nods and snores again. If this be sleep, - Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake! - What says my friend to this? - - _Rig.-Fun._ Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: What a plague - would you have me say? - - _Aldi._ O impious thought! O curst insinuation! - As if great Chrononhotonthologos - To animals detestable and vile - Had aught the least similitude! - - _Rig._ My dear friend! you entirely misapprehend me: I - did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you - that the soldiers have just now receiv'd their pay, and are all as - drunk as so many swabbers. - - _Aldi._ Give orders instantly that no more money - Be issued to the troops. Meantime, my friend, - Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, - To stupefy their souls into sobriety. - - _Rig._ I fancy you had better banish the sutlers, and blow the - Geneva casks to the devil. - - _Aldi._ Thou counsel'st well, my Rigdum-Funnidos, - And reason seems to father thy advice. - But soft!--The king in pensive contemplation - Seems to resolve on some important doubt; - His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric, - Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy, - And makes his tongue the midwife of his mind. - Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. - [_They retire._ - -_Enter_ KING. - - _King._ This god of sleep is watchful to torment me, - And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes: - Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos, - Thou idle slumb'rer, thou detested Somnus: - For if thou dost, by all the waking pow'rs, - I'll tear thine eyeballs from their leaden sockets, - And force thee to outstare eternity. [_Exit in a huff._ - -_Re-enter_ RIGDUM _and_ ALDIBORONTI. - - _Rig._ The king is in a most vile passion! Pray who is this - Mr. Somnus he's so angry withal? - - _Aldi._ The son of Chaos and of Erebus. - Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, - Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue, - Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; - Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, - Brings downy slumbers and refreshing sleep. - - _Rig-Fun._ This gentleman may come of a very good family, - for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the king his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immers'd - In cogibundity of cogitation: - Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, - Till apt attention tell our heart the purport - Of this profound profundity of thought. - -_Re-enter_ KING, NOBLES, _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c._ - - _King._ It is resolv'd. Now, Somnus, I defy thee, - And from mankind ampute thy curs'd dominion. - These royal eyes thou never more shalt close. - Henceforth let no man sleep, on pain of death: - Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry - Keep all mankind eternally awake. - Bid Harlequino decorate the stage - With all magnificence of decoration: - Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pigmies, - Songs, dances, music in its amplest order, - Mimes, pantomimes, and all the magic motion - Of scene deceptiosive and sublime. [_The flat scene draws._ - -[_The_ KING _is seated, and a grand pantomime entertainment is performed, -in the midst of which enters a_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD. - - _Capt._ To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos! - Th' antipodean pow'rs from realms below - Have burst the solid entrails of the earth; - Gushing such cataracts of forces forth, - This world is too incopious to contain 'em: - Armies on armies, march in form stupendous; - Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank, - But tier o'er tier, high pil'd from earth to heaven; - A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, - Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin, - Has laid your royal citadel in ashes. - - _King._ Peace, coward! were they wedg'd like golden ingots, - Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum; - One look from Crononhotonthologos - Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funnidos, - Bid Bombardinion draw his legions forth, - And meet us in the plains of Queerummania. - This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him; - Meantime, bid all the priests prepare their temples - For rites of triumph: let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation, outvociferize - Ev'n sound itself. So be it as we have order'd. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A magnificent Apartment._ - -_Enter_ QUEEN, TATLANTHE, _and two_ LADIES. - - _Queen._ Day's curtain drawn, the morn begins to rise, - And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes: - The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks, - In baas harmonious warble thro' the rocks: - Night gathers up her shades in sable shrouds, - And whispering osiers tattle to the clouds. - What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill, - At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille? - - _Tat._ Your majesty was pleas'd to order tea. - - _Queen._ My mind is alter'd; bring some ratifia. - [_They are served round with a dram._ - I have a famous fiddler sent from France. - Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance? - - _Enter_ FIDDLER. - - _Fid._ Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse, - Would you a solo or sonata choose; - Or bold concerto or soft Sicilinia, - Alla Francese overo in Gusto Romano? - When you command, 'tis done as soon as spoke. - - _Queen._ A civil fellow! Play us the "Black Joak." - [_Music plays._ - [QUEEN _and_ LADIES _dance the_ - "Black Joak." - - So much for dancing; now let's rest a while. - Bring in the tea-things. Does the kettle boil? - - _Tat._ The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip, - Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. - [_Tea brought in._ - - _Queen._ Come, ladies, will you please to choose your tea; - Or green imperial, or Pekoe Bohea? - - _1st Lady._ Never, no, never sure on earth was seen, - So gracious sweet and affable a queen. - - _2nd Lady._ She is an angel. - - _1st Lady._ She's a goddess rather. - - _Tat._ She's angel, queen, and goddess, altogether. - - _Queen._ Away! you flatter me. - - _1st Lady._ We don't indeed: - Your merit does our praise by far exceed. - - _Queen._ You make me blush; pray help me to a fan. - - _1st Lady._ That blush becomes you. - - _Tat._ Would I were a man. - - _Queen._ I'll hear no more of these fantastic airs. - [_Bell rings._ - The bell rings in. Come, ladies, let's to pray'rs. - [_They dance off._ - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - -_Rig._ Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would have thought -that Chrononhotonthologos should beat that mortal sight of Tippodeans? -Why, there's not a mother's child of them to be seen, egad, they footed -it away as fast as their hands could carry 'em; but they have left their -king behind 'em. We have him safe, that's one comfort. - - _Aldi._ Would he were still at amplest liberty. - For, oh! my dearest Rigdum-Funnidos; - I have a riddle to unriddle to thee, - Shall make thee stare thyself into a statue. - Our queen's in love with this Antipodean. - - _Rigdum._ The devil she is? Well, I see mischief is going - forward with a vengeance. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the conq'ror comes all crown'd with conquest! - A solemn triumph graces his return. - Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion, - To greet the victor, in his flow of glory. - - [_A grand triumph._] - -_Enter_ CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, GUARDS _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c., met by_ -RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Aldi._ All hail to Chrononhotonthologos! - Thrice trebly welcome to your royal subjects. - Myself, and faithful Rigdum-Funnidos, - Lost in a labyrinth of love and loyalty, - Entreat you to inspect our inmost souls, - And read in them what tongue can never utter. - - _Chro._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio, - To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos, - Our gratulations flow in streams unbounded: - Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty, - Which shall with inter'st be repaid ere long. - But where's our queen? where's Fadladinida? - She should be foremost in the gladsome train, - To grace our triumph; but I see she slights me. - This haughty queen shall be no longer mine, - I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. - -_Rig._ Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a swinging lie to bring the -queen off, and I'll run with it to her this minute, that we may be all in -a story. Say she has got the thorough-go-nimble. - - [_Whispers, and steals off._ - - _Aldi._ Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos, - In accents so injuriously severe - Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen: - By me she sends an embassy of love, - Sweet blandishments and kind congratulations, - But cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself. - - _King._ Our rage is turn'd to fear: what ails the queen? - - _Aldi._ A sudden diarrhoea's rapid force, - So stimulates the peristaltic motion, - That she by far out-does her late out-doing, - And all conclude her royal life in danger. - - _King._ Bid the physicians of the world assemble - In consultation, solemn and sedate: - More, to corroborate their sage resolves, - Call from their graves the learned men of old: - Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus; - Doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, chemists, - All! all! attend; and see they bring their med'cines, - Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums, - Materializ'd in pharmaceutic order. - The man that cures our queen shall have our empire. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A Garden._ - -_Enter_ TATLANTHE _and_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Heigh ho! my heart! - - _Tat._ What ails my gracious queen? - - _Queen._ Oh, would to Venus I had never seen! - - _Tat._ Seen what, my royal mistress? - - _Queen._ Too, too much! - - _Tat._ Did it affright you? - - _Queen._ No, 'tis nothing such. - - _Tat._ What was it, madam? - - _Queen._ Really I don't know. - - _Tat._ It must be something! - - _Queen._ No! - - _Tat._ Or nothing! - - _Queen._ No. - - _Tat._ Then I conclude, of course, since it was neither, - Nothing and something jumbled well together. - - _Queen._ Oh! my Tatlanthe, have you never seen! - - _Tat._ Can I guess what, unless you tell, my queen? - - _Queen._ The king I mean. - - _Tat._ Just now return'd from war: - He rides like Mars in his triumphal car. - Conquest precedes with laurels in his hand; - Behind him Fame does on her tripos stand; - Her golden trump shrill thro' the air she sounds, - Which rends the earth, and then to heaven rebounds; - Trophies and spoils innumerable grace - This triumph, which all triumphs does deface: - Haste then, great queen! your hero thus to meet, - Who longs to lay his laurels at your feet. - - _Queen._ Art mad, Tatlanthe? I meant no such thing. - Your talk's distasteful. - - _Tat._ Didn't you name the king? - - _Queen._ I did, Tatlanthe, but it was not thine; - The charming king I mean is only mine. - - _Tat._ Who else, who else, but such a charming fair, - In Chrononhotonthologos should share? - The queen of beauty, and the god of arms, - In him and you united blend their charms. - Oh! had you seen him, how he dealt out death, - And at one stroke robb'd thousands of their breath: - While on the slaughter'd heaps himself did rise, - In pyramids of conquest to the skies. - The gods all hail'd, and fain would have him stay; - But your bright charms have call'd him thence away. - - _Queen._ This does my utmost indignation raise: - You are too pertly lavish in his praise. - Leave me for ever! [TATLANTHE _kneeling._ - - _Tat._ Oh! what shall I say? - Do not, great queen, your anger thus display! - Oh, frown me dead! let me not live to hear - My gracious queen and mistress so severe! - I've made some horrible mistake, no doubt; - Oh! tell me what it is! - - _Queen._ No, find it out. - - _Tat._ No, I will never leave you; here I'll grow - Till you some token of forgiveness show. - Oh! all ye powers above, come down, come down! - And from her brow dispel that angry frown. - - _Queen._ Tatlanthe, rise, you have prevail'd at last; - Offend no more, and I'll excuse what's past. - [TATLANTHE _aside, rising._ - -_Tat._ Why, what a fool was I, not to perceive her passion for the -topsy-turvy king--the gentleman that carries his head where his heels -should be! But I must tack about, I see. - -_To the_ QUEEN. - - Excuse me, gracious madam, if my heart - Bears sympathy with yours in every part; - With you alike, I sorrow and rejoice, - Approve your passion, and commend your choice; - The captive king. - - _Queen._ That's he! that's he! that's he! - I'd die ten thousand deaths to set him free. - Oh! my Tatlanthe! have you seen his face, - His air, his shape, his mien, his ev'ry grace? - In what a charming attitude he stands, - How prettily he foots it with his hands! - Well, to his arms, no to his legs I fly, - For I must have him, if I live or die. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Bedchamber._ - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS _asleep._ - - [_Rough music, viz., salt-boxes and rolling-pins, gridirons and - tongs; sow-gelders' horns, marrowbones and cleavers, &c. &c. He - wakes._ - - _Chro._ What heav'nly sounds are these that charm my ears! - Sure 'tis the music of the tuneful spheres. - -_Enter_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. - - _Cap._ A messenger from Gen'ral Bombardinion - Craves instant audience of your majesty. - - _Chro._ Give him admittance. - -_Enter_ HERALD. - - _Her._ Long life to Chrononhotonthologos! - Your faithful Gen'ral Bombardinion - Sends you his tongue, transplanted in my mouth, - To pour his soul out in your royal ears. - - _Chro._ Then use thy master's tongue with reverence. - Nor waste it in thine own loquacity, - But briefly and at large declare thy message. - - _Her._ Suspend awhile, great Chrononhotonthologos, - The fate of empires and the toils of war; - And in my tent let's quaff Falernian wine - Till our souls mount and emulate the gods. - Two captive females, beauteous as the morn, - Submissive to your wishes, court your option. - Haste then, great king, to bless us with your presence. - Our scouts already watch the wish'd approach, - Which shall be welcom'd by the drums' dread rattle, - The cannons' thunder, and the trumpets' blast; - While I, in front of mighty myrmidons, - Receive my king in all the pomp of war. - - _Chro._ Tell him I come; my flying steed prepare; - Ere thou art half on horseback I'll be there. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Prison._ - -_The King of the Antipodes discover'd sleeping on a couch. Enter_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Is this a place, oh! all ye gods above, - This a reception for the man I love? - See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps, - While Nature's self at his confinement weeps. - Rise, lovely monarch! see your friend appear, - No Chrononhotonthologos is here; - Command your freedom, by this sacred ring; - Then command me. What says my charming king? - - [_She puts the ring in his mouth, he bends the - sea-crab, and makes a roaring noise._ - - _Queen._ What can this mean! he lays his feet at mine: - Is this of love or hate, his country's sign? - Ah! wretched queen! how hapless is thy lot, - To love a man that understands thee not! - Oh! lovely Venus, goddess all divine! - And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine, - Assist, assist me, with your sacred art, - And teach me to obtain this stranger's heart. - -VENUS _descends in her chariot, and sings._ - -AIR. - - _Ven._ See Venus does attend thee, - My dilding, my dolding. - Love's goddess will befriend thee, - Lily bright and shiny. - With pity and compassion. - My dilding, my dolding, - She sees thy tender passion, - Lily, &c. _Da capo._ - - _Air changes._ - - To thee I yield my pow'r divine, - Dance over the Lady Lee, - Demand whate'er thou wilt, 'tis thine, - My gay lady. - Take this magic wand in hand, - Dance, &c. - All the world's at thy command, - My gay, &c. _Da capo_. - -CUPID _descends and sings._ - -AIR. - - Are you a widow, or are you a wife? - Gilly-flow'r, gentle rosemary. - Or are you a maiden, so fair and so bright? - As the dew that flies over the mulberry-tree. - - _Queen._ Would I were a widow, as I am a wife, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - But I'm to my sorrow, a maiden as bright, - As the dew, &c. - - _Cupid._ You shall be a widow before it is night, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - No longer a maiden so fair and so bright, - As the dew, &c. - Two jolly young husbands your favour shall share, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - And twenty fine babies all lovely and fair, - As the dew, &c. - - _Queen._ O thanks, Mr. Cupid! for this your good news, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - What woman alive would such favours refuse? - While the dew, &c. - - [VENUS _and_ CUPID _re-ascend; the_ QUEEN _goes off, and the King - of the Antipodes follows, walking on his hands. Scene closes._ - - -SCENE.--BOMBARDINION'S _Tent._ - -KING _and_ BOMBARDINION, _at a table, with two Ladies._ - - _Bomb._ This honour, royal sir! so royalizes - The royalty of your most royal actions, - The dumb can only utter forth your praise; - For we, who speak, want words to tell our meaning. - Here! fill the goblet with Falernian wine, - And, while our monarch drinks, bid the shrill trumpet - Tell all the gods, that we propine their healths. - - _King._ Hold, Bombardinion, I esteem it fit, - With so much wine, to eat a little bit. - - _Bomb._ See that the table instantly be spread, - With all that art and nature can produce. - Traverse from pole to pole; sail round the globe, - Bring every eatable that can be eat: - The king shall eat; tho' all mankind be starv'd. - - _Cook._ I am afraid his majesty will be starv'd, before I can - run round the world, for a dinner; besides, where's the money? - - _King._ Ha! dost thou prattle, contumacious slave? - Guards, seize the villain? broil him, fry him, stew him; - Ourselves shall eat him out of mere revenge. - - _Cook._ O pray, your majesty, spare my life; there's some nice - cold pork in the pantry: I'll hash it for your majesty in a - minute. - - _King._ Be thou first hash'd in hell, audacious slave. - - [_Kills him, and turns to_ BOMBARDINION. - - Hash'd pork! shall Chrononhotonthologos - Be fed with swine's flesh, and at second-hand? - Now, by the gods! thou dost insult us, general! - - _Bomb._ The gods can witness, that I little thought - Your majesty to other flesh than this - Had aught the least propensity. [_Points to the ladies._ - - _King._ Is this a dinner for a hungry monarch? - - _Bomb._ Monarchs, as great as Chrononhotonthologos, - Have made a very hearty meal of worse. - - _King_ Ha! traitor! dost thou brave me to my teeth? - Take this reward, and learn to mock thy master. - [_Strikes him._ - - _Bomb._ A blow! shall Bombardinion take a blow? - Blush! blush, thou sun! start back thou rapid ocean! - Hills! vales! seas! mountains! all commixing crumble, - And into chaos pulverize the world; - For Bombardinion has receiv'd a blow, - And Chrononhotonthologos shall die. [_Draws._ - - [_The women run off, crying, "Help! Murder!" &c._ - - _King._ What means the traitor? - - _Bomb._ Traitor in thy teeth, - Thus I defy thee! - [_They fight, he kills the King._ - - Ha! what have I done? - Go, call a coach, and let a coach be call'd; - And let the man that calls it be the caller; - And, in his calling, let him nothing call, - But coach! coach! coach! Oh! for a coach, ye gods! - [_Exit raving._ - - _Returns with a_ DOCTOR. - - _Bomb._ How fares your majesty? - - _Doct._ My lord, he's dead. - - _Bomb._ Ha! dead! impossible! it cannot be! - I'd not believe it, tho' himself should swear it. - Go join his body to his soul again, - Or, by this light, thy soul shall quit thy body. - - _Doct._ My lord, he's far beyond the power of physic, - His soul has left his body and this world. - - _Bomb._ Then go to t'other world and fetch it back. - [_Kills him._ - - And, if I find thou triflest with me there, - I'll chase thy shade through myriads of orbs, - And drive thee far beyond the verge of Nature. - Ha!--Call'st thou, Chrononhotonthologos? - I come! your faithful Bombardinion comes! - He comes in worlds unknown to make new wars, - And gain thee empires num'rous as the stars. - - [_Kills himself._ - - _Enter_ QUEEN _and others._ - - _Aldi._ O horrid! horrible, and horrid'st horror! - Our king! our general! our cook! our doctor! - All dead! stone dead! irrevocably dead! - O----h!---- [_All groan, a tragedy groan._ - - _Queen._ My husband dead! ye gods! what is't you mean, - To make a widow of a virgin queen? - For, to my great misfortune, he, poor king, - Has left me so; aint that a wretched thing? - - _Tat._ Why then, dear madam, make me no farther pother, - Were I your majesty, I'd try another. - - _Queen._ I think 'tis best to follow thy advice. - - _Tat._ I'll fit you with a husband in a trice: - Here's Rigdum-Funnidos, a proper man; - If any one can please a queen, he can. - - _Rig-Fun._ Ay, that I can, and please your majesty. - So, ceremonies apart, let's proceed to business. - - _Queen_. Oh! but the mourning takes up all my care, - I'm at a loss what kind of weeds to wear. - - _Rig-Fun_. Never talk of mourning, madam, - One ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow, - Take me at once, and let us wed to-morrow. - I'll make thee a great man, my little Phoscophorny. - [_To_ ALDI, _aside_. - - _Aldi_. I scorn your bounty; I'll be king, or nothing. - Draw, miscreant! draw! - - _Rig_. No, sir, I'll take the law. - [_Runs behind the_ QUEEN. - - _Queen_. Well, gentlemen, to make the matter easy, - I'll have you both; and that, I hope, will please ye. - And now, Tatlanthe, thou art all my care: - Where shall I find thee such another pair? - Pity that you, who've serv'd so long, so well, - Should die a virgin, and lead apes in hell. - Choose for yourself, dear girl, our empire round, - Your portion is twelve hundred thousand pound. - - _Aldi_. Here! take these dead and bloody corps away; - Make preparation for our wedding day. - Instead of sad solemnity, and black, - Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack. - - - - - _The next piece is taken from successive numbers of_ THE - ANTI-JACOBIN, _which was planned by_ Canning, _and of which the - first number appeared on the_ 20_th of November_, 1797_. "_The - Rovers, or the Double Arrangement_," _was the joint work of_ George - Canning, George Ellis, _and_ John Hookham Frere. - - - - -THE ROVERS; - -OR, THE DOUBLE ARRANGEMENT. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - PRIOR _of the_ ABBEY _of_ QUEDLINBURGH, - _very corpulent and cruel_. - - ROGERO, _a Prisoner in the Abbey, - in love with_ MATILDA POTTINGEN. - - CASIMERE, _a Polish Emigrant, in - Dembrowsky's Legion, married - to_ CECILIA, _but having several - children by_ MATILDA. - - PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON, - _English Noblemen exiled by the - Tyranny of King John, previous - to the signature of Magna - Charta_. - - RODERIC, _Count of Saxe Weimar, - a bloody Tyrant, with red hair, - and an amorous complexion_. - - GASPAR, _the Minister of the Count; - Author of_ ROGERO'S _confinement_. - - _Young_ POTTINGEN, _brother to_ MATILDA. - - MATILDA POTTINGEN, _in love with_ - ROGERO, _and mother to_ CASIMERE'S - _children_. - - CECILIA MUeCKENFELD, _wife to_ - CASIMERE. - - _Landlady, Waiter, Grenadiers, - Troubadours, &c._ - - PANTALOWSKY, _and_ BRITCHINDA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ CASIMERE. - - JOACHIM, JABEL, _and_ AMARANTHA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ - ROGERO. - - _Children of_ CASIMERE _and_ CECILIA, - _with their respective Nurses_. - - Several Children; Fathers and - Mothers unknown. - -THE SCENE LIES IN THE TOWN OF WEIMAR, AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF THE ABBEY -OF QUEDLINBURGH. - -_Time, from the Twelfth to the present Century._ - - -PROLOGUE. - -(_In character._) - - Too long the triumphs of our early times, - With civil discord, and with regal crimes, - Have stain'd these boards; while Shakespeare's pen has shown - Thoughts, manners, men, to modern days unknown. - Too long have Rome and Athens been the rage; [_Applause._ - And classic buskins soil'd a British stage. - To-night our bard, who scorns pedantic rules, - His plot has borrow'd from the German schools; - --The German schools--where no dull maxims bind - The bold expansion of the electric mind. - Fix'd to no period, circled by no space, - He leaps the flaming bounds of time and place: - Round the dark confines of the forest raves, - With _gentle_ robbers[204] stocks his gloomy caves; - Tells how prime ministers[205] are shocking things, - And _reigning dukes_ as bad as tyrant kings; - How to _two_ swains[206] _one_ nymph her vows may give, - And how _two_ damsels with _one_ lover live! - Delicious scenes!--such scenes _our_ bard displays, - Which, crown'd with German, sue for British, praise. - Slow are the steeds, that through Germania's roads - With hempen rein the slumbering post-boy goads; - Slow is the slumbering post-boy, who proceeds - Through deep sands floundering, on those tardy steeds; - More slow, more tedious, from his husky throat - Twangs through the twisted horn the struggling note. - These truths confess'd--Oh! yet, ye travell'd few, - Germania's _plays_ with eyes unjaundiced view! - View and approve!--though in each passage fine - The faint translation[207] mock the genuine line; - Though the nice ear the erring sight belie, - For _U twice dotted_ is pronounced like _I_; - [_Applause._ - Yet oft the scene shall Nature's fire impart, - Warm _from_ the breast, and glowing _to_ the heart! - Ye travell'd few, attend! On _you_ our bard - Builds his fond hope! Do you his genius guard! [_Applause._ - Nor let succeeding generations say-- - A British audience _damn'd_ a German play. - [_Loud and continued applauses._ - - [_Flash of lightning_.--_The ghost of_ PROLOGUE'S GRANDMOTHER, - _by the father's side, appears to soft music, in a white tiffany - riding-hood_. PROLOGUE _kneels to receive her blessing, which she - gives in a solemn and affecting manner, the audience clapping and - crying all the while_.--_Flash of lightning_.--PROLOGUE _and his_ - GRANDMOTHER _sink through the trap-door_. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - - _Represents a room at an Inn, at Weimar--On one side - of the stage the bar-room, with jellies, lemons in nets, - syllabubs, and part of a cold roast fowl._ &c.--_On the opposite - side a window looking into the street, through which - persons (inhabitants of Weimar) are seen passing to and fro - in apparent agitation_.--MATILDA _appears in a great-coat - and riding habit, seated at the corner of the dinner-table, - which is covered with a clean huckaback cloth_.--_Plates and - napkins, with buck's-horn-handled knives and forks, are - laid as if for four persons_. - -MATILDA. - - _Mat._ Is it impossible for me to have dinner sooner? - - _Land._ Madam, the Brunswick post-waggon is not yet come in, - and the ordinary is never before two o'clock. - - _Mat._ [_with a look expressive of disappointment, but immediately - recomposing herself._] Well, then, I must have patience. - [_Exit Landlady._] Oh Casimere! How often have the thoughts - of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation! What - a difference, alas! Dinner--it is taken away as soon as over, - and we regret it not! It returns again with the return of - appetite. The beef of to-morrow will succeed to the mutton of - to-day, as the mutton of to-day succeeded to the veal of yesterday. - But when once the heart has been occupied by a beloved - object, in vain would we attempt to supply the chasm by - another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to - dish! Love only, dear, delusive, delightful love, restrains our - wandering appetites, and confines them to a particular - gratification!... - -_Post-horn blows._--_Re-enter_ LANDLADY. - -_Land._ Madam, the post-waggon is come in with only a single gentlewoman. - -_Mat._ Then show her up--and let us have dinner instantly; [_Landlady -going_] and remember--[_after a moment's recollection, and with great -eagerness_]--remember the toasted cheese. - - [_Exit_ LANDLADY. - -CECILIA _enters, in a brown cloth riding-dress, as if just alighted from -the post-waggon._ - -_Mat._ Madam, you seem to have had an unpleasant journey, if I may judge -from the dust on your riding-habit. - -_Cec._ The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was delightful. It -recall'd to me those blissful moments when the rays of desire first -vibrated through my soul. - -_Mat._ [_aside_.] Thank Heaven! I have at last found a heart which is -in unison with my own [_to Cecilia_.] Yes, I understand you--the first -pulsation of sentiment--the silver tones upon the yet unsounded harp.... - -_Cec._ The dawn of life--when this blossom [_putting her hand upon her -heart_] first expanded its petals to the penetrating dart of love! - -_Mat._ Yes--the time--the golden time, when the first beams of the -morning meet and embrace one another! The blooming blue upon the yet -unplucked plum!... - -_Cec._ Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam. - -_Mat._ And yours too is glowing with illumination. - -_Cec._ I had long been looking out for a congenial spirit! My heart was -withered, but the beams of yours have rekindled it. - -_Mat._ A sudden thought strikes me: let us swear an eternal friendship. - -_Cec._ Let us agree to live together! - - _Mat._ Willingly. [_With rapidity and earnestness._ - - _Cec._ Let us embrace. [_They embrace._ - - _Mat._ Yes; I too have loved!--you, too, like me, have been forsaken! - [_Doubtingly and as if with a desire to be informed._ - -_Cec._ Too true! - -_Both._ Ah, these men! these men! - -LANDLADY _enters, and places a leg of mut'on on the table, with sour -krout and prune sauce_--_then a small dish of black puddings._ CECILIA -_and_ MATILDA _appear to take no notice of her._ - -_Mat._ Oh, Casimere! - -_Cec._ [_aside_.] Casimere! that name! Oh, my heart, how it is distracted -with anxiety. - -_Mat._ Heavens! Madam, you turn pale. - -_Cec._ Nothing--a slight megrim--with your leave, I will retire. - -_Mat._ I will attend you. - - [_Exeunt_ MATILDA _and_ CECILIA. _Manent_ LANDLADY _and_ WAITER - _with the dinner on the table_. - -_Land._ Have you carried the dinner to the prisoner in the vaults of the -abbey! - -_Waiter._ Yes. Pease-soup, as usual--with the scrag-end of a neck of -mutton--the emissary of the Count was here again this morning, and -offered me a large sum of money if I would consent to poison him. - - _Land._ Which you refused? [_With hesitation and anxiety._ - - _Waiter._ Can you doubt it? [_With indignation._ - -_Land._ [_recovering herself, and drawing up with an expression of -dignity_.] The conscience of a poor man is as valuable to him as that of -a prince. - -_Waiter._ It ought to be still more so, in proportion as it is generally -more pure. - -_Land._ Thou say'st truly, Job. - -_Waiter_ [_with enthusiasm_.] He who can spurn at wealth when proffer'd -as the price of crime, is greater than a prince. - -_Post-horn blows. Enter_ CASIMERE, _in a travelling dress--a light blue -great-coat with large metal buttons--his hair in a long queue, but -twisted at the end; a large Kevenhuller hat; a cane in his hand._ - -_Cas._ Here, waiter, pull of my boots, and bring me a pair of slippers -[_Exit_ WAITER.] And heark'ye, my lad, a bason of water [_rubbing his -hands_] and a bit of soap--I have not washed since I began my journey. - -_Waiter_ [_answering from behind the door_.] Yes, sir. - -_Cas._ Well, landlady, what company are we to have? - -_Land._ Only two gentlewomen, sir. They are just stepp'd into the next -room--they will be back again in a minute. - -_Cas._ Where do they come from? - - [_All this while the_ WAITER _re-enters with the bason and water_, - CASIMERE _pulls off his boots, takes a napkin from the table, and - washes his face and hands_. - -_Land._ There is one of them, I think, comes from Nuremburgh. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] From Nuremburgh; [_with eagerness_] her name? - -_Land._ Matilda. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] How does this idiot woman torment me! What else? - -_Land._ I can't recollect. - - _Cas._ Oh agony! [_In a paroxysm of agitation._ - -_Waiter._ See here, her name upon the travelling trunk--Matilda Pottingen. - - _Cas._ Ecstasy! ecstasy! [_Embracing the_ WAITER. - -_Land._ You seem to be acquainted with the lady--shall I call her? - -_Cas._ Instantly--instantly--tell her, her loved, her, long lost--tell -her---- - -_Land._ Shall I tell her dinner is ready? - -_Cas._ Do so--and in the meanwhile I will look after my portmanteau. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - _Scene changes to a subterraneous vault in the Abbey of - Quedlinburgh, with coffins, 'scutcheous, Death's heads and - cross-bones._--_Toads, and other loathsome reptiles are seen - traversing the obscurer parts of the Stage._--ROGERO _appears - in chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown, - and a cap of a grotesque form upon his head._--_Beside him a - crock, or pitcher, supposed to contain his daily allowance of - sustenance._--_A long silence, during which the wind is heard to - whistle through the caverns._--ROGERO _rises, and comes slowly - forward, with his arms folded._ - -_Rog._ Eleven years! it is now eleven years since I was first -immured in this living sepulchre--the cruelty of a minister--the -perfidy of a monk--yes, Matilda! for thy sake--alive amidst the -dead--chained--coffined--confined--cut off from the converse of my -fellow-men. Soft! what have we here? [_stumbles over a bundle of -sticks_.] This cavern is so dark, that I can scarcely distinguish the -objects under my feet. Oh! the register of my captivity. Let me see, -how stands the account? [_takes up the sticks and turns them over with -a melancholy air; then stands silent for a few moments, as if absorbed -in calculation_.] Eleven years and fifteen days! Hah! the twenty-eighth -of August! How does the recollection of it vibrate on my heart! It was -on this day that I took my last leave of my Matilda. It was a summer -evening--her melting hand seemed to dissolve in mine, as I press'd it to -my bosom. Some demon whispered me that I should never see her more. I -stood gazing on the hated vehicle which was conveying her away for ever. -The tears were petrified under my eyelids. My heart was crystallized with -agony. Anon, I looked along the road. The diligence seemed to diminish -every instant. I felt my heart beat against its prison, as if anxious -to leap out and overtake it. My soul whirled round as I watched the -rotation of the hinder wheels. A long trail of glory followed after her, -and mingled with the dust--it was the emanation of Divinity, luminous -with love and beauty, like the splendour of the setting sun; but it told -me that the sun of my joys was sunk for ever. Yes, here in the depths -of an eternal dungeon--in the nursing cradle of hell--the suburbs of -perdition --in a nest of demons, where despair, in vain, sits brooding -over the putrid eggs of hope; where agony woos the embrace of death; -where patience, beside the bottomless pool of despondency, sits angling -for impossibilities. Yet even _here_, to behold her, to embrace her--yes, -Matilda, whether in this dark abode, amidst toads and spiders, or in a -royal palace, amidst the more loathsome reptiles of a Court, would be -indifferent to me. Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation -upon our heads--while fiends would envy the eternity of suffering -love.... Soft, what air was that? it seemed a sound of more than human -warblings. Again [_listens attentively for some minutes_]--only the wind. -It is well, however; it reminds me of that melancholy air which has so -often solaced the hours of my captivity. Let me see whether the damps of -this dungeon have not yet injured my guitar. [_Takes his guitar, tunes -it, and begins the following air, with a full accompaniment of violins -from the orchestra._] - - [AIR, _Lanterna Magica._] - - -SONG. - -BY ROGERO. - -I. - - Whene'er with haggard eyes I view - This dungeon that I'm rotting in, - I think of those companions true - Who studied with me at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen,-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he wipes his - eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds_-- - -II. - - Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue, - Which once my love sat knotting in!-- - Alas! Matilda _then_ was true!-- - At least I thought so at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_At the repetition of this line,_ ROGERO _clanks his chains in - cadence._ - -III. - - Barbs! barbs! alas! how swift you flew, - Her neat post-waggon trotting in! - Ye bore Matilda from my view; - Forlorn I languish'd at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -IV. - - This faded form! this pallid hue! - This blood my veins is clotting in, - My years are many--they were few - When first I entered at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingon-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -V. - - There first for thee my passion grew, - Sweet! sweet Matilda Pottingen! - Thou wast the daughter of my tu-- - --tor, Law Professor at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -VI. - - Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu, - That kings and priests are plotting in: - Here doom'd to starve on water gru-- - --el, never shall I see the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_During the last stanza_, ROGERO _dashes his head repeatedly - against the walls of his prison; and, finally, so hard as to - produce a visible contusion. He then throws himself on the floor - in an agony. The curtain drops--the music still continuing to play - till it is wholly fallen._ - - * * * * * - -We have received, in the course of the last week, several long, and to -say the truth, dull letters, from unknown hands, reflecting, in very -severe terms, on Mr. Higgins, for having, as it is affirmed, attempted -to pass upon the world, as a faithful sample of the productions of the -German Theatre, a performance no way resembling any of those pieces, -which have of late excited, and which bid fair to engross the admiration -of the British public. - -As we cannot but consider ourselves as the guardians of Mr. Higgins's -literary reputation, in respect to every work of his which is conveyed -to the world through the medium of our paper (though, what we think of -the danger of his principles, we have already sufficiently explained for -ourselves, and have, we trust, succeeded in putting our readers upon -their guard against them)--we hold ourselves bound not only to justify -the fidelity of the imitation, but (contrary to our original intention) -to give a further specimen of it in our present number, in order to bring -the question more fairly to issue between our author and his calumniators. - -In the first place, we are to observe that Mr. Higgins professes to -have taken his notion of German plays wholly from the translations which -have appeared in our language. If _they_ are totally dissimilar from -the originals, Mr. H. may undoubtedly have been led into error; but the -fault is in the translators, not in him. That he does not differ widely -from the models which he proposed to himself, we have it in our power -to prove satisfactorily; and might have done so in our last number, by -subjoining to each particular passage of his play, the scene in some one -or other of the German plays, which he had in view when he wrote it. -These parallel passages were faithfully pointed out to us by Mr. H. with -that candour which marks his character; and if they were suppressed by -us (as in truth they were), on our heads be the blame, whatever it may -be. Little, indeed, did we think of the imputation which the omission -would bring upon Mr. H., as, in fact, our principal reason for it was the -apprehension that, from the extreme closeness of the imitation in most -instances, he would lose in praise for invention more than he would gain -in credit for fidelity. - -The meeting between Matilda and Cecilia, for example, in the first -act of the "Rovers," and their sudden intimacy, has been censured as -unnatural. Be it so. It is taken _almost word for word_ from "Stella," -a German (or professedly a German) piece now much in vogue; from which -also the catastrophe of Mr. Higgins's play is in part borrowed, so far as -relates to the agreement to which the ladies come, as the reader will see -by-and-by, to share Casimere between them. - -The dinner scene is copied partly from the published translation of the -"Stranger," and partly from the first scene of "Stella." The song of -Rogero, with which the first act concludes, is admitted on all hands to -be in the very first taste; and if no German original is to be found for -it, so much the worse for the credit of German literature. - -An objection has been made by one anonymous letter-writer, to the names -of Puddingfield and Beefington, as little likely to have been assigned -to English characters by any author of taste or discernment. In answer -to this objection, we have, in the first place, to admit that a small, -and we hope not an unwarrantable alteration has been made by us since -the MS. has been in our hands. These names stood originally Puddincrantz -and Beefinstern, which sounded to our ears as being liable, especially -the latter, to a ridiculous inflection--a difficulty that could only be -removed by furnishing them with English terminations. With regard to the -more substantial syllables of the names, our author proceeded in all -probability on the authority of Goldoni, who, though not a German, is an -Italian writer of considerable reputation; and who, having heard that -the English were distinguished for their love of liberty and beef, has -judiciously compounded the two words _Runnymede_ and _beef_, and thereby -produced an English nobleman, whom he styles _Lord Runnybeef_. - -To dwell no longer on particular passages--the best way perhaps of -explaining the whole scope and view of Mr. H.'s imitation, will be to -transcribe the short sketch of the plot, which that gentleman transmitted -to us, together with his drama; and which it is perhaps the more -necessary to give at length, as the limits of our paper not allowing of -the publication of the whole piece, some general knowledge of its main -design may be acceptable to our readers, in order to enable them to judge -of the several extracts which we lay before them. - - -PLOT. - -Rogero, son of the late Minister of the Count of Saxe Weimar, having, -while he was at college, fallen desperately in love with Matilda -Pottingen, daughter of his tutor, Doctor Engelbertus Pottingen, Professor -of Civil Law; and Matilda evidently returning his passion, the doctor, to -prevent ill consequences, sends his daughter on a visit to her aunt in -Wetteravia, where she becomes acquainted with Casimere, a Polish officer, -who happens to be quartered near her aunt's, and has several children by -him. - -Roderic, Count of Saxe Weimar, a prince of tyrannical and licentious -disposition, has for his Prime Minister and favourite, Gaspar, a crafty -villain, who had risen to his post by first ruining, and then putting to -death, Rogero's father. Gaspar, apprehensive of the power and popularity -which the young Rogero may enjoy at his return to Court, seizes the -occasion of his intrigue with Matilda (of which he is apprised officially -by Doctor Pottingen) to procure from his master an order for the recall -of Rogero from college, and for committing him to the care of the prior -of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, a priest, rapacious, savage, and sensual, -and devoted to Gaspar's interests--sending at the same time private -orders to the prior to confine him in a dungeon. - -Here Rogero languishes many years. His daily sustenance is administered -to him through a grated opening at the top of a cavern, by the -landlady of the Golden Eagle at Weimar, with whom Gaspar contracts, -in the Prince's name, for his support; intending, and more than once -endeavouring, to corrupt the waiter to mingle poison with the food, in -order that he may get rid of Rogero for ever. - -In the meantime Casimere, having been called away from the neighbourhood -of Matilda's residence to other quarters, becomes enamoured of, and -marries Cecilia, by whom he has a family; and whom he likewise deserts -after a few years' cohabitation, on pretence of business which calls him -to Kamtschatka. - -Doctor Pottingen, now grown old and infirm, and feeling the want of his -daughter's society, sends young Pottingen in search of her, with strict -injunctions not to return without her; and to bring with her either her -present lover Casimere, or, should that not be possible, Rogero himself, -if he can find him; the doctor having set his heart upon seeing his -children comfortably settled before his death. Matilda, about the same -period, quits her aunt's in search of Casimere; and Cecilia having been -advertised (by an anonymous letter) of the falsehood of his Kamtschatka -journey, sets out in the post-waggon on a similar pursuit. - -It is at this point of time the play opens--with the accidental meeting -of Cecilia and Matilda at the inn at Weimar. Casimere arrives there soon -after, and falls in first with Matilda, and then with Cecilia. Successive -_eclaircissements_ take place, and an arrangement is finally made, by -which the two ladies are to live jointly with Casimere. - -Young Pottingen, wearied with a few weeks' search, during which he has -not been able to find either of the objects of it, resolves to stop -at Weimar, and wait events there. It so happens, that he takes up his -lodging in the same house with Puddincrantz and Beefinstern, two English -noblemen, whom the tyranny of King John has obliged to fly from their -country; and who, after wandering about the Continent for some time, have -fixed their residence at Weimar. - -The news of the signature of Magna Charta arriving, determines -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern to return to England. Young Pottingen opens -his case to them, and entreats them to stay to assist him in the object -of his search. This they refuse; but coming to the inn where they are -to set off for Hamburgh, they meet Casimere, from whom they have both -received many civilities in Poland. - -Casimere, by this time tired of his "Double Arrangement," and having -learned from the waiter that Rogero is confined in the vaults of the -neighbouring Abbey _for love_, resolves to attempt his rescue, and to -make over Matilda to him as the price of his deliverance. He communicates -his scheme to Puddingfield and Beefington, who agree to assist him; as -also does young Pottingen. The waiter of the inn proving to be a _Knight -Templar_ in disguise, is appointed leader of the expedition. A band of -troubadours, who happen to be returning from the Crusades, and a company -of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers returning from the Seven Years' War, -are engaged as troops. - -The attack on the Abbey is made with success. The Count of Weimar and -Gaspar, who are feasting with the prior, are seized and beheaded in the -refectory. The prior is thrown into the dungeon, from which Rogero is -rescued. Matilda and Cecilia rush in. The former recognizes Rogero, and -agrees to live with him. The children are produced on all sides; and -young Pottingen is commissioned to write to his father, the doctor, to -detail the joyful events which have taken place, and to invite him to -Weimar, to partake of the general felicity. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_A Room in an ordinary Lodging-house at - Weimar._--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _discovered, sitting at - a small deal table, and playing at All-fours.--Young_ POTTINGEN, - _at another table in the corner of the room, with a pipe in his - mouth, and a Saxon mug of a singular shape beside him, which he - repeatedly applies to his lips, turning back his head, and casting - his eyes towards the firmament. At the last trial he holds the mug - for some moments in a directly inverted position; then replaces it - on the table, with an air of dejection, and gradually sinks into - a profound slumber. The pipe falls from his hand, and is broken._ - -_Beef._ I beg. - -_Pudd._ [_deals three cards to_ BEEFINGTON.] Are you satisfied? - -_Beef._ Enough. What have you? - -_Pudd._ High--low--and the game. - - _Beef._ Ah! 'tis my deal [_deals--turns up a knave_.] One - for his heels! [_Triumphantly._ - - _Pudd._ Is king highest? - - _Beef._ No [_sternly._] The game is mine. The knave gives it me. - - _Pudd._ Are knaves so prosperous? - Ay, marry are they in this world. They have the game in their - hands. Your kings are but _noddies_[208] to them. - -_Pudd._ Ha! ha! ha!--still the same proud spirit, Beefington, which -procured thee thine exile from England. - -_Beef._ England! my native land!--when shall I revisit thee? - - [_During this time_ PUDDINGFIELD _deals, and begins to arrange his - hand_. - -_Beef._ [_continues._] Phoo--hang all-fours; what are they to a mind -ill at ease? Can they cure the heart-ache? Can they sooth banishment? -Can they lighten ignominy? Can all-fours do this? Oh! my Puddingfield, -thy limber and lightsome spirit bounds up against affliction--with the -elasticity of a well-bent bow; but mine--O! mine-- - - [_Falls into an agony, and sinks back in his chair._ YOUNG - POTTINGEN _awakened by the noise, rises, and advances with a grave - demeanour towards_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. _The former - begins to recover_. - -_Y. Pot._ What is the matter, comrades?[209]--you seem agitated. Have you -lost or won? - -_Beef._ Lost. I have lost my country. - -_Y. Pot._ And I my sister. I came hither in search of her. - -_Beef._ O England! - -_Y. Pot._ O Matilda! - -_Beef._ Exiled by the tyranny of an usurper, I seek the means of revenge, -and of restoration to my country. - -_Y. Pot._ Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted by the -jealousy of a count, the betrothed husband of my sister languishes in -a loathsome captivity. Her lover is fled no one knows whither--and I, -her brother, am torn from my paternal roof, and from my studies in -chirurgery, to seek him and her, I know not where--to rescue Rogero, -I know not how. Comrades, your counsel--my search fruitless--my money -gone--my baggage stolen! What am I to do? In yonder abbey--in these -dark, dank vaults, there, my friends--there lies Rogero--there Matilda's -heart---- - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ WAITER. - -_Waiter._ Sir, here is a person who desires to speak with you. - -_Beef._ [_goes to the door, and returns with a letter, which he -opens--on perusing it his countenance becomes illuminated, and expands -prodigiously_.] Hah, my friend, what joy! - - [_Turning to_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ What? tell me--let your Puddingfield partake it. - -_Beef._ See here-- [_Produces a printed paper._ - - _Pudd._ What? [_With impatience._ - -_Beef._ [_in a significant tone_.] A newspaper! - -_Pudd._ Hah, what sayst thou! A newspaper! - -_Beef._ Yes, Puddingfield, and see here [_shows it partially_], from -England. - -_Pudd._ [_with extreme earnestness._] Its name! - -_Beef._ The "Daily Advertiser"-- - -_Pudd._ Oh, ecstasy! - -_Beef._ [_with a dignified severity._] Puddingfield, calm -yourself--repress those transports--remember that you are a man. - -_Pudd._ [_after a pause with suppressed emotion._] Well, I will be--I am -calm--yet tell me, Beefington, does it contain any news? - -_Beef._ Glorious news, my dear Puddingfield--the Barons are -victorious--King John has been defeated--Magna Charta, that venerable, -immemorial inheritance of Britons, was signed last Friday was three -weeks, the third of July Old Style. - -_Pudd._ I can scarce believe my ears--but let me satisfy my eyes--show me -the paragraph. - -_Beef._ Here it is, just above the advertisements. - -_Pudd._ [_reads._] "The great demand for Packwood's razor straps."---- - -_Beef._ 'Pshaw! what, ever blundering--you drive me from my patience--see -here, at the head of the column. - - _Pudd._ [_reads._] "A hireling print, devoted to the Court, - Has dared to question our veracity - Respecting the events of yesterday; - But by to-day's accounts, our information - Appears to have been perfectly correct. - The charter of our liberties received - The royal signature at five o'clock, - When messengers were instantly dispatch'd - To Cardinal Pandulfo; and their majesties, - After partaking of a cold collation, - Return'd to Windsor."--I am satisfied. - -_Beef._ Yet here again--there are some further particulars [_turns to -another part of the paper_], "Extract of a letter from Egham--My dear -friend, we are all here in high spirits--the interesting event which took -place this morning at Runnymede, in the neighbourhood of this town"---- - -_Pudd._ Hah! Runnymede, enough--no more--my doubts are vanished--then are -we free indeed! - -_Beef._ I have, besides, a letter in my pocket from our friend, the -immortal Bacon, who has been appointed Chancellor. Our outlawry is -reversed! What says my friend--shall we return by the next packet? - -_Pudd._ Instantly, instantly! - -_Both._ Liberty! Adelaide!--Revenge! - - [_Exeunt. Young_ POTTINGEN _following_, _and waving his hat, but - obviously without much consciousness of the meaning of what has - passed_. - -_Scene changes to the outside of the Abbey. A summer's -evening_--_moonlight. Companies of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers march -across the stage, confusedly, as if returning from the Seven Years' War. -Shouts, and martial music. The Abbey gates are opened. The monks are -seen passing in procession, with the Prior at their head. The choir is -heard chanting vespers. After which a pause. Then a bell is heard, as if -ringing for supper. Soon after, a noise of singing and jollity._ - - _Enter from the Abbey, pushed out of the gates by the Porter, a - Troubadour, with a bundle under his cloak, and a Lady under his - arm. Troubadour seems much in liquor, but caresses the female - minstrel._ - -_Fem. Min._ Trust me, Gieronymo, thou seemest melancholy. What hast thou -got under thy cloak? - -_Trou._ 'Pshaw, women will be inquiring. Melancholy! not I. I will sing -thee a song, and the subject of it shall be thy question--"What have -I got under my cloak?" It is a riddle, Margaret--I learnt it of an -almanac-maker at Gotha--if thou guessest it after the first stanza, thou -shalt have never a drop for thy pains. Hear me--and, d'ye mark! twirl thy -thingumbob while I sing. - - _Fem. Min._ 'Tis a pretty tune, and hums dolefully. - [_Plays on the balalaika_.[210] _Troubadour sings._ - - I bear a secret comfort here, - [_putting his hand on the bundle, but without showing it._ - A joy I'll ne'er impart; - It is not wine, it is not beer, - But it consoles my heart. - -_Fem. Min._ [_interrupting him._] I'll be hang'd if you don't mean the -bottle of cherry-brandy that you stole out of the vaults in the Abbey -cellar. - -_Trou._ I mean!--Peace, wench, thou disturbest the current of my feelings. - - [_Fem. Min. attempts to lay hold of the bottle. Troubadour pushes - her aside, and continues singing without interruption._ - - This cherry-bounce, this lov'd noyau, - My drink for ever be; - But, sweet my love, thy wish forego, - I'll give no drop to thee! - - (_Both together_.) - - _Trou._ {This} cherry-bounce {This} lov'd noyau, - _F. M._ {That} {that} - _Trou._ {My } drink for ever be; - _F. M._ {Thy } - _Trou._ } But, sweet my love, {thy wish forego! - _F. M._ } {one drop bestow, - _Trou._ {I } keep it all for {me! - _F. M._ {Nor} {thee! - - [_Exeunt struggling for the bottle, but without anger or - animosity, the Fem. Min. appearing, by degrees, to obtain a - superiority in the contest._ - -Act the Third contains the _eclaircissements_ and final arrangement -between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia: which so nearly resemble the -concluding act of "Stella," that we forbear to lay it before our readers. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV. - - SCENE--_The Inn door--Diligence drawn up._ CASIMERE _appears - superintending the package of his portmanteaus, and giving - directions to the Porters._ - -_Enter_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ Well, Coachey, have you got two inside places? - -_Coach._ Yes, your honour. - -_Pudd._ [_seems to be struck with_ CASIMERE'S _appearance. He surveys him -earnestly, without paying any attention to the coachman, then doubtingly -pronounces_] Casimere! - -_Cas._ [_turning round rapidly, recognises_ PUDDINGFIELD, _and embraces -him_.] My Puddingfield! - -_Pudd._ My Casimere! - -_Cas._ What, Beefington too! [_discovering him_.] Then is my joy complete. - -_Beef._ Our fellow-traveller, as it seems. - -_Cas._ Yes, Beefington--but wherefore to Hamburgh? - -_Beef._ Oh, Casimere[211]--to fly--to fly--to return--England--our -country--Magna Charta--it is liberated--a new era--House of -Commons--Crown and Anchor--Opposition---- - -_Cas._ What a contrast! you are flying to liberty and your home--I, -driven from my home by tyranny--am exposed to domestic slavery in a -foreign country. - -_Beef._ How domestic slavery? - -_Cas._ Too true--two wives [_slowly, and with a dejected air--then after -a pause_]--you knew my Cecilia? - -_Pudd._ Yes, five years ago. - -_Cas._ Soon after that period I went upon a visit to a lady in -Wetteravia--my Matilda was under her protection--alighting at a peasant's -cabin, I saw her on a charitable visit, spreading bread-and-butter -for the children, in a light-blue riding habit. The simplicity of her -appearance--the fineness of the weather--all conspired to interest me--my -heart moved to hers--as if by a magnetic sympathy--we wept, embraced, -and went home together--she became the mother of my Pantalowsky. But five -years of enjoyment have not stifled the reproaches of my conscience--her -Rogero is languishing in captivity--if I could restore her to _him!_ - -_Beef._ Let us rescue him. - -_Cas._ Will without power[212] is like children playing at soldiers. - -_Beef._ Courage without power[213] is like a consumptive running footman. - -_Cas._ Courage without power is a contradiction.[214] Ten brave men might -set all Quedlinburgh at defiance. - -_Beef._ Ten brave men--but where are they to be found? - -_Cas._ I will tell you--marked you the waiter? - - _Beef._ The waiter? [_Doubtingly._ - -_Cas._ [_in a confidential tone_.] No waiter, but a Knight Templar. -Returning from the crusade, he found his Order dissolved, and his -person proscribed. He dissembled his rank, and embraced the profession -of a waiter. I have made sure of him already. There are, besides, an -Austrian and a Prussian grenadier. I have made them abjure their national -enmity, and they have sworn to fight henceforth in the cause of freedom. -These, with Young Pottingen, the waiter, and ourselves, make seven--the -troubadour, with his two attendant minstrels, will complete the ten. - - _Beef._ Now then for the execution. [_With enthusiasm._ - - _Pudd._ Yes, my boys--for the execution. - [_Clapping them on the back._ - -_Waiter._ But hist! we are observed. - -_Trou._ Let us by a song conceal our purposes. - -RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.[215] - - _Cas._ Hist! hist! nor let the airs that blow - From Night's cold lungs, our purpose know! - - _Pudd._ Let Silence, mother of the dumb, - - _Beef._ Press on each lip her palsied thumb! - - _Wait._ Let privacy, allied to sin, - That loves to haunt the tranquil inn-- - - _Gren._ } And Conscience start, when she shall view, - _Trou._ } The mighty deed we mean to do! - -GENERAL CHORUS--_Con spirito._ - - Then friendship swear, ye faithful bands, - Swear to save a shackled hero! - See where yon Abbey frowning stands! - Rescue, rescue, brave Rogero! - - _Cas._ Thrall'd in a Monkish tyrant's fetters, - Shall great Rogero hopeless lie? - - _Y. Pot._ In my pocket I have letters, - Saying, "help me, or I die!" - - _Allegro Allegretto._ - - _Cas. Beef. Pudd. Gren. Trou._ } Let us fly, let us fly, - _Waiter, and Pot. with enthusiasm_ } Let us help, ere he die! - [_Exeunt omnes, waving their hats._ - - SCENE.--_The Abbey gate, with ditches, drawbridges, and spikes. - Time--about an hour before sunrise. The conspirators appear - as if in ambuscade, whispering, and consulting together, in - expectation of the signal for attack. The_ WAITER _is habited - as a Knight Templar, in the dress of his Order, with the cross - on his breast, and the scallop on his shoulder_; PUDDINGFIELD - _and_ BEEFINGTON _armed with blunderbusses and pocket pistols; - the Grenadiers in their proper uniforms. The Troubadour, with - his attendant Minstrels, bring up the rear--martial music--the - conspirators come forward, and present themselves before the - gate of the Abbey.--Alarum--firing of pistols--the Convent - appear in arms upon the walls--the drawbridge is let down--a - body of choristers and lay-brothers attempt a sally, but are - beaten back, and the verger killed. The besieged attempt to - raise the drawbridge_--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _press - forward with alacrity, throw themselves upon the drawbridge, - and by the exertion of their weight, preserve it in a state of - depression--the other besiegers join them, and attempt to force - the entrance, but without effect._ PUDDINGFIELD _makes the signal - for the battering ram. Enter_ QUINTUS CURTIUS _and_ MARCUS CURIUS - DENTATUS, _in their proper military habits, preceded by the Roman - Eagle--the rest of their legion are employed in bringing forward - a battering ram, which plays for a few minutes to slow time, till - the entrance is forced. After a short resistance, the besiegers - rush in with shouts of victory._ - - _Scene changes to the interior of the Abbey. The inhabitants of - the Convent are seen flying in all directions._ - - _The_ COUNT OF WEIMAR _and_ PRIOR, _who had been feasting in - the refectory, are brought in manacled. The_ COUNT _appears - transported with rage, and gnaws his chains. The_ PRIOR _remains - insensible, as if stupefied with grief._ BEEFINGTON _takes - the keys of the dungeon, which are hanging at the_ PRIOR'S - _girdle, and makes a sign for them both to be led away into - confinement.--Exeunt_ PRIOR _and_ COUNT _properly guarded. The - rest of the conspirators disperse in search of the dungeon where_ - ROGERO _is confined._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 204: A See the "Robbers." a German tragedy, in which robbery is -put in so fascinating a light, that the whole of a German University went -upon the highway in consequence of it.] - -[Footnote 205: See "Cabal and Love," a German tragedy, very severe -against Prime Ministers and reigning Dukes of Brunswick. This admirable -performance very judiciously reprobates the hire of German troops for the -_American war_ in the reign of Queen Elizabeth--a practice which would -undoubtedly have been highly discreditable to that wise and patriotic -princess, not to say wholly unnecessary, there being no American war at -that particular time.] - -[Footnote 206: See the "Stranger; or, Reform'd Housekeeper," in which -the former of these morals is beautifully illustrated; and "Stella," a -genteel German comedy, which ends with placing a man _bodkin_ between -_two wives_, like _Thames_ between his _two banks_, in the "Critic." -Nothing can be more edifying than these two dramas. I am shocked to hear -that there are some people who think them ridiculous.] - -[Footnote 207: These are the warnings very properly given to readers, -to beware how they judge of what they cannot understand. Thus, if the -translation runs "lightning of my soul, fulguration of angels, sulphur -of hell;" we should recollect that this is not coarse or strange in the -German language, when applied by a lover to his mistress; but the English -has nothing precisely parallel to the original Mulychause Archangelichen, -which means rather "emanation of the archangelican nature"--or to -Smellmynkern Vankelfer, which, if literally rendered, would signify -"made of stuff of the same odour whereof the devil makes flambeaux." See -Schuettenbruech on the German Idiom.] - -[Footnote 208: This is an excellent joke in German; the point and -spirit of which is but ill-rendered in a translation. A Noddy, the -reader will observe, has two significations--the one a "knave at -all-fours;" the other a "fool or booby." See the translation by Mr. -Render of "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamtschatka," a German -tragi-comi-comi-tragedy: where the play opens with a scene of a game at -chess (from which the whole of this scene is copied), and a joke of the -same point and merriment about pawns--_i.e._, boors being _a match_ for -kings.] - -[Footnote 209: This word in the original is strictly -"fellow-lodgers"--"co-occupants of the same room, in a house let out -at a small rent by the week." There is no single word in English which -expresses so complicated a relation, except, perhaps, the cant term of -"chum," formerly in use at our universities.] - -[Footnote 210: The balalaika is a Russian instrument, resembling the -guitar.--See the play of "Count Benyowsky," rendered into English.] - -[Footnote 211: See "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamschatka," -where Crustiew, an old gentleman of much sagacity, talks the following -nonsense: - -_Crustiew_ [_with youthful energy and an air of secrecy and confidence_.] -"To fly, to fly, to the Isles of Marian--the island of Tinian--a -terrestrial paradise. Free--free--a mild climate--a new created -sun--wholesome fruits--harmless inhabitants--and Liberty--tranquillity."] - -[Footnote 212: See "Count Benyowsky." as before.] - -[Footnote 213: See "Count Benyowsky."] - -[Footnote 214: See "Count Benyowsky" again; from which play this and the -preceding references are taken word for word. We acquit the Germans of -such reprobate silly stuff. It must be the translator's.] - -[Footnote 215: We believe this song to be copied, with a small variation -in metre and meaning, from a song in "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy -of Kamtschatka,"--where the conspirators join in a chorus, _for fear of -being overheard_.] - - - - -BOMBASTES FURIOSO. - -FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL HAYMARKET, AUGUST 7, 1810. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - ARTAXOMINOUS, _King of Utopia._ - - FUSBOS, _Minister of State._ - - GENERAL BOMBASTES. - - _Attendants or Courtiers._ - - _Army_--a long Drummer, a short - Fifer, and two (sometimes three) - Soldiers of different dimensions. - - DISTAFFINA. - -SCENE I.--_Interior of the Palace._ - - _The_ KING _in his chair of state.--A table set out with - punchbowl, glasses, pipes, &c._--ATTENDANTS _on each side._ - -TRIO.--"_Tekeli._" - - _1st Atten._ What will your majesty please to wear? - Or blue, green, red, black, white, or brown? - - _2nd Atten._ D'ye choose to look at the bill of fare? - [_Showing long bill._ - - _King._ Get out of my sight, or I'll knock you down. - - _2nd Atten._ Here is soup, fish, or goose, or duck, or fowl, - or pigeons, pig, or hare! - - _1st Atten._ Or blue, or green, or red, or black, or white, or brown, - What will your Majesty, &c. - - _King._ Get out of my sight, &c. [_Exeunt_ ATTENDANTS. - -_Enter_ FUSBOS, _and kneels to the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ Hail, Artaxominous! yclep'd the Great! - I come, an humble pillar of thy state, - Pregnant with news--but ere that news I tell, - First let me hope your Majesty is well. - - _King._ Rise, learned Fusbos! rise, my friend, and know - We are but middling--that is, _so so!_ - - _Fusbos._ Only _so so!_ Oh, monstrous, doleful thing! - Is it the mulligrubs affects the king? - Or, dropping poisons in the cup of joy, - Do the blue devils your repose annoy? - - _King._ Nor mulligrubs nor devils blue are here, - But yet we feel ourselves a little queer. - - _Fusbos._ Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye, - The vest unbutton'd, and the wig awry; - So sickly cats neglect their fur-attire, - And sit and mope beside the kitchen fire. - - _King._ Last night, when undisturb'd by state affairs, - Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares, - Oft the replenish'd goblet did we drain, - And drank and smok'd, and smok'd and drank again! - Such was the case, our very actions such, - Until at length we got a drop too much. - - _Fusbos._ So when some donkey on the Blackheath Road, - Falls, overpower'd, beneath his sandy load; - The driver's curse unheeded swells the air, - Since none can carry more than they can bear. - - _King._ The sapient Doctor Muggins came in haste, - Who suits his physic to his patient's taste; - He, knowing well on what our heart is set, - Hath just prescrib'd, "To take a morning whet;" - The very sight each sick'ning pain subdues. - Then sit, my Fusbos, sit and tell thy news. - - _Fusbos_ [_sits._] Gen'ral Bombastes, whose resistless force - Alone exceeds by far a brewer's horse, - Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth! - - _King._ Does he, by jingo? then we'll drink his health! - [_Drum and Fife._ - - _Fusbos._ But hark! with loud acclaim, the fife and drum - Announce your army near; behold, they come! - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, _attended by one_ DRUMMER, _one_ FIFER, _and - two_ SOLDIERS, _all very materially differing in size.--They march - round the stage and back_. - - _Bombas._ Meet me this ev'ning at the Barley Mow; - I'll bring your pay--you see I'm busy now: - Begone, brave army, and don't kick up a row. - [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS. - [_To the_ KING.] Thrash'd are your foes--this watch and - silken string, - Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring; - I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob; - "Watch, watch," he cried, when I had done the job. - "My watch is gone," says he--says I, "Just so; - Stop where you are--watches were made to go." - - _King._ For which we make you Duke of Strombelo. - [BOMBASTES _kneels; the_ KING - _dubs him with a pipe, and then presents the bowl_. - From our own bowl here drink, my soldier true, - And if you'd like to take a whiff or two, - He whose brave arm hath made our foes to crouch, - Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch. - - _Bombas._ [_rises._] Honours so great have all my toils repaid! - My liege, and Fusbos, here's "Success to trade". - - _Fusbos._ Well said, Bombastes! Since thy mighty blows, - Have given a quietus to our foes, - Now shall our farmers gather in their crops, - And busy tradesmen mind their crowded shops - The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease; - Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace. - - _King._ I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please. - - _Bombas._ Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to name, - Short cut or long to me is all the same. - - _Bombas._ } In short, so long, as we your favours claim, - and } Short cut or long, to us is all the same. - _Fusbos._ } - - _King._ Thanks, gen'rous friends! now list whilst I impart - How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my heart; - So long as this here pouch a pipe contains, - Or a full glass in that there bowl remains, - To you an equal portion shall belong; - This do I swear, and now--let's have a song. - - _Fusbos._ My liege shall be obeyed. - - [_Advances and attempts to sing._ - - _Bombas._ Fusbos, give place, - You know you haven't got a singing face; - Here nature, smiling, gave the winning grace. - - SONG.--"_Hope told a flatt'ring Tale_." - - Hope told a flattering tale, - Much longer than my arm, - That love and pots of ale - In peace would keep me warm: - The flatt'rer is not gone, - She visits number one: - In love I'm monstrous deep. - Love! odsbobs, destroys my sleep, - Hope told a flattering tale, - Lest love should soon grow cool; - A tub thrown to a whale, - To make the fish a fool: - Should Distaffina frown, - Then love's gone out of town; - And when love's dream is o'er, - Then we wake and dream no more. - [_Exit._ - - [_The_ KING _evinces strong emotions during the song, and at the - conclusion starts up._ - - _Fusbos._ What ails my liege? ah! why that look so sad? - - _King_ [_coming forward._] I am in love! I scorch, I freeze, I'm mad! - Oh, tell me, Fusbos, first and best of friends, - You, who have wisdom at your fingers' ends, - Shall it be so, or shall it not be so? - Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego, - Compel her to give up the regal chair, - And place the rosy Distaffina there? - In such a case, what course can I pursue? - I love my queen, and Distaffina too. - - _Fusbos._ And would a king his general supplant? - I can't advise, upon my soul I can't. - - _King._ So when two feasts, whereat there's nought to pay, - Fall unpropitious on the self-same day, - The anxious Cit each invitation views, - And ponders which to take or which refuse: - From this or that to keep away is loth, - And sighs to think he cannot dine at both. [_Exit._ - - _Fusbos._ So when some school-boy, on a rainy day, - Finds all his playmates will no longer stay, - He takes the hint himself--and walks away. [_Exit._ - - -SCENE II.--_An Avenue of Trees._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ I'll seek the maid I love, though in my way - A dozen gen'rals stood in fierce array! - Such rosy beauties nature meant for kings; - Subjects have treat enough to see such things. - - -SCENE III.--_Inside of a Cottage._ - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ This morn, as sleeping in my bed I lay, - I dreamt (and morning dreams come true they say), - I dreamt a cunning man my fortune told, - And soon the pots and pans were turned to gold! - Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash; - But, lo! ere I could turn them into cash, - Another cunning man my heart betray'd, - Stole all away, and left my debts unpaid. - -_Enter the_ KING. - - And pray, sir, who are you, I'd wish to know? - - _King._ Perfection's self, oh, smooth that angry brow! - For love of thee, I've wander'd thro' the town, - And here have come to offer half a crown. - - _Distaf._ Fellow! your paltry offer I despise; - The great Bombastes' love alone I prize. - - _King._ He's but a general--damsel, I'm a king; - - _Distaf._ Oh, sir, that makes it quite another thing. - - _King._ And think not, maiden, I could e'er design - A sum so trifling for such charms as thine. - No! the half crown that ting'd thy cheeks with red, - And bade fierce anger o'er thy beauties spread, - Was meant that thou should'st share my throne and bed. - - _Distaf._ [_aside._] My dream is out, and I shall soon behold - The pots and pans all turn to shining gold. - - _King_ [_puts his hat down to kneel on._] Here, on my knees - (those knees which ne'er till now - To man or maid in suppliance bent) I vow - Still to remain, till you my hopes fulfil, - Fixt as the Monument on Fish Street Hill. - - _Distaf._ [_kneels._] And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand, - As long as e'er the Monument shall stand, - So long I'm yours---- - - _King._ Are then my wishes crown'd? - - _Distaf._ La, sir! I'd not say no for twenty pound; - Let silly maids for love their favours yield, - Rich ones for me--a king against the field. - -SONG.--"_Paddy's Wedding._" - - Queen Dido at - Her palace gate - Sat darning of her stocking O; - She sung and drew - The worsted through, - Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O; - (For a babe she had - By a soldier lad, - Though hist'ry passes it over O); - "You tell-tale brat, - I've been a flat, - Your daddy has proved a rover O. - What a fool was I - To be cozen'd by - A fellow without a penny O; - When rich ones came, - And ask'd the same, - For I'd offers from never so many O; - But I'll darn my hose, - Look out for beaux, - And quickly get a new lover O; - Then come, lads, come, - Love beats the drum, - And a fig for AEneas the rover O." - - _King._ So Orpheus sang of old, or poets lie, - And as the brutes were charmed, e'en so am I. - Rosy-cheek'd maid, henceforth my only queen, - Full soon shalt thou in royal robes be seen; - And through my realm I'll issue this decree, - None shall appear of taller growth than thee: - Painters no other face portray--each sign - O'er alehouse hung shall change its head for thine. - Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays, - And none presume to write but in thy praise. - - _Distaf._ [_fetches a bottle and glass._] And may I then, - without offending, crave - My love to taste of this, the best I have? - - _King._ Were it the vilest liquor upon earth, - Thy touch would render it of matchless worth; - Dear shall the gift be held that comes from you; - Best proof of love [_drinks_],'tis full-proof Hodges' too; - Through all my veins I feel a genial glow, - It fires my soul---- - - _Bombastes_ [_within._] Ho, Distaffina, ho! - - _King._ Heard you that voice? - - _Distaf._ O yes, 'tis what's his name, - The General; send him packing as he came. - - _King._ And is it he? and doth he hither come? - Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb: - Where shall I go? say, whither shall I fly? - Hide me, oh hide me from his injur'd eye! - - _Distaf._ Why, sure you're not alarm'd at such a thing? - He's but a general, and you're a king. - [KING _conceals himself in a closet in flat_. - -_Enter_ BOMBASTES. - - _Bombas._ Lov'd Distaffina! now by my scars I vow, - Scars got--I haven't time to tell you how; - By all the risks my fearless heart hath run, - Risks of all shapes from bludgeon, sword, and gun. - Steel traps, the patrole, bailiff shrewd, and dun; - By the great bunch of laurel on my brow, - Ne'er did thy charms exceed their present glow! - Oh! let me greet thee with a loving kiss---- [_Sees the hat._ - Why, what the devil!--say, whose hat is this? - - _Distaf._ Why, help your silly brains, that's not a hat. - - _Bombas._ No hat? - - _Distaf._ Suppose it is, why, what of that? - A hat can do no harm without a head! - - _Bombas._ Whoe'er it fits, this hour I doom him dead; - Alive from hence the caitiff shall not stir---- - [_Discovers the_ KING. - Your most obedient, humble servant; sir. - - _King._ Oh, general, oh! - - _Bombas._ My much-loved master, oh! - What means all this? - - _King._ Indeed I hardly know---- - - _Distaf._ You hardly know?--a very pretty joke, - If kingly promises so soon are broke! - Arn't I to be a queen, and dress so fine? - - _King._ I do repent me of the foul design: - To thee, my brave Bombastes, I restore - Pure Distaffina, and will never more - Through lane or street with lawless passion rove, - But give to Griskinissa all my love. - - _Bombas._ No, no, I'll love no more; let him who can - Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man. - In some lone place I'll find a gloomy cave, - There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave. - Then all unseen I'll lay me down and die, - Since woman's constancy is--all my eye. - -TRIO.--"_O Lady Fair!_" - - _Dislaf._ O, cruel man! where are you going? - Sad are my wants, my rent is owing. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, all comfort scorning; - Some death I'll die before the morning. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho! sad is that warning-- - Oh, do not die before the morning! - - _King._ I'll follow him, all danger scorning; - He shall not die before the morning. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, &c. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho, &c. - - _King._ I'll follow him, &c. - - [_They hold him by the coat-tails, but he gradually tugs them off._ - - -SCENE IV.--_A Wood._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This day is big with fate: just as I set - My foot across the threshold, lo! I met - A man whose squint terrific struck my view; - Another came, and lo! he squinted too; - And ere I'd reach'd the corner of the street, - Some ten short paces, 'twas my lot to meet - A third who squinted more--a fourth, and he - Squinted more vilely than the other three. - Such omens met the eye when Caesar fell, - But cautioned him in vain; and who can tell - Whether those awful notices of fate - Are meant for kings or ministers of state; - For rich or poor, old, young, or short or tall, - The wrestler Love trips up the heels of all. - -SONG.--"_My Lodging is on the Cold Ground._" - - My lodging is in Leather Lane, - A parlour that's next to the sky; - 'Tis exposed to the wind and the rain, - But the wind and the rain I defy: - Such love warms the coldest of spots, - As I feel for Scrubinda the fair; - Oh, she lives by the scouring of pots, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - Oh, were I a quart, pint, or gill, - To be scrubb'd by her delicate hands, - Let others possess what they will - Of learning, and houses, and lands; - My parlour that's next to the sky - I'd quit, her blest mansion to share; - So happy to live and to die - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - And oh, would this damsel be mine, - No other provision I'd seek; - On a look I could breakfast and dine, - And feast on a smile for a week. - But ah! should she false-hearted prove, - Suspended, I'll dangle in air; - A victim to delicate love, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. [_Exit._ - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, preceded by a Fifer, playing "Michael Wiggins."_ - - _Bombas._ Gentle musician, let thy dulcet strain - Proceed--play "Michael Wiggins" once again [_he does so_.] - Music's the food of love; give o'er, give o'er, - For I must batten on that food no more. [_Exit_ FIFER. - My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps, - Whilst, merry Michael, all thy cards were trumps. - So, should some youth by fortune's blest decrees, - Possess at least a pound of Cheshire cheese, - And bent some favour'd party to regale, - Lay in a kilderkin, or so, of ale; - Lo, angry fate! In one unlucky hour - Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour, - And the loud thunder turn the liquor sour [_forms his sash into - a noose_.] - Alas! alack! alack! and well-a-day, - That ever man should make himself away! - That ever man for woman false should die, - As many have, and so, and so [_prepares to hang himself, tries - the sensation, but disapproves of the result_] won't I! - No, I'll go mad! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage, - And with this wicked wanton world a woeful war I'll wage! - - [_Hangs his boots to the arm of a tree, and taking a scrap of - paper, with a pencil writes the following couplet, which he - attaches to them, repeating the words_:-- - - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Thus do I challenge all the human race. - [_Draws his sword, and retires up the stage, and off._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ Scorning my proffer'd hand, he frowning fled, - Curs'd the fair maid, and shook his angry head [_perceives the boots - and label._.] - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Ha! dost thou dare me, vile obnoxious elf? - I'll make thy threats as bootless as thyself: - Where'er thou art, with speed prepare to go - Where I shall send thee--to the shades below [_knocks down the - boots_.] - - _Bombas._ [_coming forward_.] So have I heard on Afric's burning - shore, - A hungry lion give a grievous roar; - The grievous roar echo'd along the shore. - - _King._ So have I heard on Afric's burning shore - Another lion give a grievous roar, - And the first lion thought the last a bore. - - _Bombas._ Am I then mocked? Now by my fame I swear - You soon shall have it--There! [_They fight._ - - _King._ Where? - - _Bombas._ There and there! - - _King._ I have it sure enough--Oh! I am slain! - I'd give a pot of beer to live again [_falls on his back_]; - Yet ere I die I something have to say: - My once-lov'd gen'ral, pri'thee come this way! - Oh! oh! my Bom---- [_Dies._ - - _Bombas._ --Bastes he would have said; - But ere the word was out, his breath was fled. - Well, peace be with him, his untimely doom - Shall thus be mark'd upon his costly tomb:-- - "Fate cropt him short--for be it understood. - He would have liv'd much longer--if he could." - [_Retires again up the stage._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This was the way they came, and much I fear - There's mischief in the wind. What have we here? - King Artaxominous bereft of life! - Here'll be a pretty tale to tell his wife. - - _Bombas._ A pretty tale, but not for thee to tell, - For thou shalt quickly follow him to hell; - There say I sent thee, and I hope he's well. - - _Fusbos._ No, thou thyself shalt thy own message bear; - Short is the journey, thou wilt soon be there. - -[_They fight_--BOMBASTES _is wounded_. - - _Bombas._ Oh, Fusbos, Fusbos! I am diddled quite, - Dark clouds come o'er my eyes--farewell, good night! - Good night! my mighty soul's inclined to roam, - So make my compliments to all at home. - [_Lies down by the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ And o'er thy grave a monument shall rise, - Where heroes yet unborn shall feast their eyes; - And this short epitaph that speaks thy fame, - Shall also there immortalize my name:-- - "Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb, - Who conquered all but Fusbos--Fusbos him." - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ Ah, wretched maid! Oh, miserable fate! - I've just arrived in time to be too late; - What now shall hapless Distaffina do? - Curse on all morning dreams, they come so true! - - _Fusbos._ Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man, - And get another lover where you can: - The crown now sits on Griskinissa's head, - To her I'll go---- - - _Distaf._ But are you sure they're dead? - - _Fusbos._ Yes, dead as herrings--herrings that are red. - - -FINALE. - - _Distaf._ Briny tears I'll shed, - - _King._ I for joy shall cry, too; [_Rising._ - - _Fusbos._ Zounds! the King's alive! - - _Bombas._ Yes, and so am I, too! [_Rising._ - - _Distaf._ It was better far, - - _King._ Thus to check all sorrow; - - _Fusbos._ But, if some folks please, - - _Bombas._ We'll die again to-morrow! - - * * * * * - - _Distaf._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _King._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi; - - _Fusbos._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _Bombas._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi! - -_They take hands and dance round, repeating Chorus._ - - - - -REJECTED ADDRESSES. - -PREFACE. - - -On the 14th of August, 1812, the following advertisement appeared in most -of the daily papers: - -"_Rebuilding of Drury Lane Theatre._ - -"The Committee are desirous of promoting a free and fair competition -for an Address to be spoken upon the opening of the Theatre, which will -take place, on the 10th of October next. They have therefore thought -fit to announce to the public, that they will be glad to receive any -such compositions, addressed to their Secretary, at the Treasury Office, -in Drury Lane, on or before the 10th of September, sealed up, with a -distinguishing word, number, or motto, on the cover, corresponding with -the inscription on a separate sealed paper containing the name of the -author, which will not be opened, unless containing the name of the -successful candidate." - -Upon the propriety of this plan, men's minds were, as they usually are -upon matters of moment, much divided. Some thought it a fair promise of -the future intention of the Committee to abolish that phalanx of authors -who usurp the stage, to the exclusion of a large assortment of dramatic -talent blushing unseen in the background; while others contended, that -the scheme would prevent men of real eminence from descending into an -amphitheatre in which all Grub Street (that is to say, all London and -Westminster) would be arrayed against them. The event has proved both -parties to be in a degree right, and in a degree wrong. One hundred and -twelve Addresses have been sent in, each sealed and signed, and mottoed, -"as per order," some written by men of great, some by men of little, and -some by men of no talent. - -Many of the public prints have censured the taste of the Committee, in -thus contracting for Addresses as they would for nails--by the gross; but -it is surprising that none should have censured their _temerity_. One -hundred and eleven of the Addresses must, of course, be unsuccessful: -to each of the authors, thus infallibly classed with the _genus -irritabile_, it would be very hard to deny six staunch friends, who -consider his the best of all possible Addresses, and whose tongues will -be as ready to laud him as to hiss his adversary. These, with the potent -aid of the bard himself, make seven foes per Address, and thus will be -created seven hundred and seventy-seven implacable auditors, prepared to -condemn the strains of Apollo himself; a band of adversaries which no -prudent manager would think of exasperating. - -But leaving the Committee to encounter the responsibility they have -incurred, the public have at least to thank them for ascertaining -and establishing one point, which might otherwise have admitted of -controversy. When it is considered that many amateur writers have been -discouraged from becoming competitors, and that few, if any, of the -professional authors can afford to write for nothing, and of course -have not been candidates for the honorary prize at Drury Lane, we may -confidently pronounce, that, as far as regards _number_, the present -is undoubtedly the Augustan age of English poetry. Whether or not this -distinction will be extended to the _quality_ of its productions, must -be decided at the tribunal of posterity, though the natural anxiety of -our authors on this score ought to be considerably diminished, when they -reflect how few will, in all probability, be had up for judgment. - -It is not necessary for the Editor to mention the manner in which he -became possessed of this "fair sample of the present state of poetry in -Great Britain." It was his first intention to publish the whole; but a -little reflection convinced him that, by so doing, he might depress the -good, without elevating the bad. He has therefore culled what had the -appearance of flowers, from what possessed the reality of weeds, and -is extremely sorry that, in so doing, he has diminished his collection -to twenty-one. Those which he has rejected may possibly make their -appearance in a separate volume, or they may be admitted as volunteers -in the files of some of the newspapers; or, at all events, they are sure -of being received among the awkward squad of the Magazines. In general, -they bear a close resemblance to each other: thirty of them contain -extravagant compliments to the immortal Wellington, and the indefatigable -Whitbread; and, as the last-mentioned gentleman is said to dislike praise -in the exact proportion in which he deserves it, these laudatory writers -have probably been only building a wall, against which they might run -their own heads. - -The Editor here begs leave to advance a few words in behalf of that -useful and much-abused bird, the Phoenix, and in so doing he is biassed -by no partiality, as he assures the reader he not only never saw one, -but (_mirabile dictu!_) never caged one in a simile in the whole course -of his life. Not less than sixty-nine of the competitors have invoked -the aid of this native of Arabia; but as from their manner of using him, -after they had caught him, he does not by any means appear to have been -a native of Arabia _Felix_, the Editor has left the proprietors to treat -with Mr. Polito, and refused to receive this _rara avis_, or black swan, -into the present collection. One exception occurs, in which the admirable -treatment of this feathered incombustible entitles the author to great -praise. That Address has been preserved, and in the ensuing pages takes -the lead, to which its dignity entitles it. - -Perhaps the reason why several of the subjoined productions of the MUSAE -LONDINENSES have failed of selection, may be discovered in their being -penned in a metre unusual upon occasions of this sort, and in their not -being written with that attention to stage effect, the want of which, -like want of manners in the concerns of life, is more prejudicial than -a deficiency of talent. There is an art in writing for the Theatre, -technically called _touch and go_, which is indispensable when we -consider the small quantum of patience which so motley an assemblage as -a London audience can be expected to afford. All the contributors have -been very exact in sending their initials and mottoes. Those belonging -to the present collection have been carefully preserved, and each has -been affixed to its respective poem. The letters that accompanied the -Addresses having been honourably destroyed unopened, it is impossible -to state the real authors with any certainty, but the ingenious reader, -after comparing the initials with the motto, and both with the poem, may -form his own conclusions. - -The Editor does not anticipate any disapprobation from thus giving -publicity to a small portion of the REJECTED ADDRESSES; for, unless he -is widely mistaken in assigning the respective authors, the fame of each -individual is established on much too firm a basis to be shaken by so -trifling and evanescent a publication as the present: - - neque ego illi detrahere ausim - Haerentem capiti multa cum laude coronam. - -Of the numerous pieces already sent to the Committee for performance, -he has only availed himself of three vocal Travesties, which he has -selected, not for their merit, but simply for their brevity. Above -one hundred spectacles, melodramas, operas, and pantomimes have been -transmitted, besides the two first acts of one legitimate comedy. Some -of these evince considerable smartness of manual dialogue, and several -brilliant repartees of chairs, tables, and other inanimate wits; but the -authors seem to have forgotten that in the new Drury Lane the audience -can hear as well as see. Of late our theatres have been so constructed -that John Bull has been compelled to have very long ears, or none at -all; to keep them dangling about his skull like discarded servants, -while his eyes were gazing at piebalds and elephants, or else to stretch -them out to an asinine length to catch the congenial sound of braying -trumpets. An auricular revolution is, we trust, about to take place; and, -as many people have been much puzzled to define the meaning of the new -era, of which we have heard so much, we venture to pronounce, that as -far as regards Drury Lane Theatre, the new era means the reign of ears. -If the past affords any pledge for the future, we may confidently expect -from the Committee of that House, everything that can be accomplished by -the union of taste and assiduity. - - - - -LOYAL EFFUSION. - -BY W. T. F. - - Quiequid dicunt, laudo: id rursum si negant - Laudo id quoque.--TERENCE. - - - Hail, glorious edifice, stupendous work! - God bless the Regent and the Duke of York! - Ye Muses! by whose aid I cried down Fox, - Grant me in Drury Lane a private box, - Where I may loll, cry bravo, and profess - The boundless powers of England's glorious press; - While Afric's sons exclaim, from shore to shore, - "Quashee ma boo!" the slave-trade is no more. - In fair Arabia (happy once, now stony, - Since ruined by that arch apostate, Boney), - A phoenix late was caught: the Arab host - Long ponder'd, part would boil it, part would roast: - But while they ponder, up the pot-lid flies, - Fledged, beak'd, and claw'd, alive, they see him rise - To heaven, and caw defiance in the skies. - So Drury, first in roasting flames consumed, - Then by old renters to hot water doom'd, - By Wyatt's trowel patted, plump and sleek, - Soars without wings, and caws without a beak. - Gallia's stern despot shall in vain advance - From Paris, the metropolis of France; - By this day month the monster shall not gain - A foot of land in Portugal or Spain. - See Wellington in Salamanca's field - Forces his favourite general to yield, - Breaks thro' his lines, and leaves his boasted Marmont - Expiring on the plain without his arm on: - Madrid he enters at the cannon's mouth, - And then the villages still further south. - Base Buonaparte, fill'd with deadly ire, - Sets, one by one, our playhouses on fire; - Some years ago he pounced with deadly glee on - The Opera House, then burnt down the Pantheon; - Nay, still unsated, in a coat of flames, - Next at Millbank he crossed the river Thames: - Thy hatch, O halfpenny! pass'd in a trice, - Boil'd some black pitch, and burnt down Astley's twice; - Then buzzing on thro' ether with a vile hum, - Turn'd to the left hand, fronting the asylum, - And burnt the Royal Circus in a hurry,-- - ('Twas call'd the Circus then, but now the Surrey). - Who burnt (confound his soul!) the houses twain - Of Covent Garden and of Drury Lane? - Who, while the British squadron lay off Cork - (God bless the Regent and the Duke of York), - With a foul earthquake ravaged the Caraccas, - And raised the price of dry goods and tobaccos? - Who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise? - Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies? - Who thought in flames St. James's Court to pinch? - Who burnt the wardrobe of poor Lady Finch? - Why he, who, forging for this isle a yoke, - Reminds me of a line I lately spoke, - "The tree of freedom is the British oak." - Bless every man possessed of aught to give; - Long may Long Tilney Wellesley Long Pole live; - God bless the army, bless their coats of scarlet, - God bless the navy, bless the Princess Charlotte, - God bless the guards, though worsted Gallia scoff, - And bless their pigtails, tho' they're now cut off; - And oh, in Downing Street should Old Nick revel, - England's prime minister, then bless the Devil! - - - - -THE BABY'S DEBUT. - -BY W. W. - - Thy lisping prattle and thy mincing gait, - All thy false mimic fooleries I hate, - For thou art Folly's counterfeit, and she - Who is right foolish hath the better plea; - Nature's true Idiot I prefer to thee.--CUMBERLAND. - - [_Spoken in the character of_ NANCY LAKE, _a girl eight years of - age, who is drawn upon the stage in a child's chaise, by_ SAMUEL - HUGHES, _her uncle's porter_.] - - - My brother Jack was nine in May, - And I was eight on New-year's-day; - So in Kate Wilson's shop - Papa (he's my papa and Jack's) - Bought me, last week, a doll of wax, - And brother Jack a top. - - Jack's in the pouts, and this it is, - He thinks mine came to more than his, - So to my drawer he goes, - Takes out the doll, and, oh, my stars! - He pokes her head between the bars, - And melts off half her nose! - - Quite cross, a bit of string I beg, - And tie it to his peg-top's peg, - And bang, with might and main, - Its head against the parlour door: - Off flies the head, and hits the floor, - And breaks a window-pane. - - This made him cry with rage and spite: - Well, let him cry, it serves him right. - A pretty thing, forsooth! - If he's to melt, all scalding hot, - Half my doll's nose, and I am not - To draw his peg-top's tooth! - - Aunt Hannah heard the window break, - And cried, "O naughty Nancy Lake, - Thus to distress your aunt: - No Drury Lane for you to-day!" - And while papa said, "Pooh, she may!" - Mamma said, "No, she shan't!" - - Well, after many a sad reproach, - They got into a hackney coach, - And trotted down the street. - I saw them go: one horse was blind, - The tails of both hung down behind, - Their shoes were on their feet. - - The chaise in which poor brother Bill - Used to be drawn to Pentonville, - Stood in the lumber-room: - I wiped the dust from off the top, - While Molly mopp'd it with a mop, - And brush'd it with a broom. - - My uncle's porter, Samuel Hughes, - Came in at six to black the shoes - (I always talk to Sam): - So what does he, but takes, and drags - Me in the chaise along the flags, - And leaves me where I am. - - My father's walls are made of brick, - But not so tall, and not so thick, - As these; and, goodness me! - My father's beams are made of wood, - But never, never half so good, - As these that now I see. - - What a large floor! 'tis like a town! - The carpet, when they lay it down, - Won't hide it, I'll be bound. - And there's a row of lamps! my eye! - How they do blaze! I wonder why - They keep them on the ground. - - At first I caught hold of the wing, - And kept away; but Mr. Thing- - umbob, the prompter man, - Gave with his hand my chaise a shove, - And said, "Go on, my pretty love, - Speak to 'em, little Nan. - - "You've only got to curtsey, whisp- - er, hold your chin up, laugh and lisp, - And then you're sure to take: - I've known the day when brats not quite - Thirteen got fifty pounds a night; - Then why not Nancy Lake?" - - But while I'm speaking, where's papa? - And where's my aunt? and where's mamma? - Where's Jack? Oh, there they sit! - They smile, they nod, I'll go my ways, - And order round poor Billy's chaise, - To join them in the pit. - - And now, good gentlefolks, I go - To join mamma, and see the show; - So, bidding you adieu, - I curtsey, like a pretty miss, - And if you'll blow to me a kiss, - I'll blow a kiss to you. - [_Blows kiss, and exit._ - - - - -AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHOENIX. - -BY S. T. P. - - This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd.-- - WHAT YOU WILL. - - - What stately vision mocks my waking sense? - Hence, dear delusion, sweet enchantment, hence! - Ha! is it real?--can my doubts be vain? - It is, it is, and Drury lives again! - Around each grateful veteran attends, - Eager to rush and gratulate his friends, - Friends whose kind looks, retraced with proud delight, - Endear the past, and make the future bright. - Yes, generous patrons, your returning smile - Blesses our toils, and consecrates our pile. - - When last we met, Fate's unrelenting hand - Already grasp'd the devastating brand; - Slow crept the silent flame, ensnared its prize, - Then burst resistless to the astonish'd skies. - The glowing walls, disrobed of scenic pride, - In trembling conflict stemm'd the burning tide, - Till crackling, blazing, rocking to its fall, - Down rush'd the thundering roof, and buried all! - - Where late the sister Muses sweetly sung, - And raptur'd thousands on their music hung, - Where Wit and Wisdom shone by Beauty graced, - Sate lonely Silence, empress of the waste; - And still had reign'd--but he whose voice can raise - More magic wonders than Amphion's lays, - Bade jarring bands with friendly zeal engage, - To rear the prostrate glories of the stage. - Up leap'd the Muses at the potent spell, - And Drury's genius saw his temple swell, - Worthy, we hope, the British Drama's cause, - Worthy of British arts, and your applause. - - Guided by you, our earnest aims presume - To renovate the Drama with the dome; - The scenes of Shakespeare and our bards of old, - With due observance splendidly unfold, - Yet raise and foster with parental hand - The living talent of our native land. - O! may we still, to sense and nature true, - Delight the many, nor offend the few. - Tho' varying tastes our changeful drama claim, - Still be its moral tendency the same, - To win by precept, by example warn, - To brand the front of vice with pointed scorn, - And Virtue's smiling brows with votive wreaths adorn. - - - - -CUI BONO? - -BY LORD B. - - -I. - - Sated with home, of wife, of children tired, - The restless soul is driven abroad to roam; - Sated abroad, all seen, yet nought admired, - The restless soul is driven to ramble home; - Sated with both, beneath new Drury's dome - The fiend Ennui awhile consents to pine, - There growls, and curses, like a deadly gnome, - Scorning to view fantastic columbine, - Viewing with scorn and hate the nonsense of the Nine. - - -II. - - Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend your way, - To gaze on puppets in a painted dome, - Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray, - Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom, - What seek ye here? Joy's evanescent bloom? - Woe's me! the brightest wreaths she ever gave - Are but as flowers that decorate a tomb. - Man's heart the mournful urn o'er which they wave, - Is sacred to despair, its pedestal the grave. - - -III. - - Has life so little store of real woes, - That here ye wend to taste fictitious grief? - Or is it that from truth such anguish flows, - Ye court the lying drama for relief? - Long shall ye find the pang, the respite brief, - Or if one tolerable page appears - In folly's volume, 'tis the actor's leaf, - Who dries his own by drawing others' tears, - And, raising present mirth, makes glad his future years. - - -IV. - - Albeit how like young Betty doth he flee! - Light as the mote that danceth in the beam, - He liveth only in man's present e'e, - His life a flash, his memory a dream, - Oblivious down he drops in Lethe's stream; - Yet what are they, the learned and the great? - Awhile of longer wonderment the theme! - Who shall presume to prophesy their date, - Where nought is certain, save the uncertainty of fate? - - -V. - - This goodly pile, upheav'd by Wyatt's toil, - Perchance than Holland's edifice more fleet, - Again red Lemnos' artisan may spoil; - The fire alarm, and midnight drum may beat, - And all be strew'd ysmoking at your feet. - Start ye? Perchance Death's angel may be sent - Ere from the flaming temple ye retreat, - And ye who met on revel idlesse bent - May find in pleasure's fane your grave and monument, - - -VI. - - Your debts mount high--ye plunge in deeper waste, - The tradesman calls--no warning voice ye hear; - The plaintiff sues--to public shows ye haste; - The bailiff threats--ye feel no idle fear. - Who can arrest your prodigal career? - Who can keep down the levity of youth? - What sound can startle age's stubborn ear? - Who can redeem from wretchedness and ruth - Men true to falshood's voice, false to the voice of truth? - - -VII. - - To thee, blest saint! who doff'd thy skin to make - The Smithfield rabble leap from theirs with joy, - We dedicate the pile--arise! awake!-- - Knock down the Muses, wit and sense destroy, - Clear our new stage from reason's dull alloy, - Charm hobbling age, and tickle capering youth - With cleaver, marrow-bone, and Tunbridge toy; - While, vibrating in unbelieving tooth, - Harps twang in Drury's walls, and make her boards a booth. - - -VIII. - - For what is Hamlet, but a hare in March? - And what is Brutus, but a croaking owl? - And what is Rolla? Cupid steep'd in starch, - Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl. - Shakespeare, how true thine adage, "fair is foul;" - To him whose soul is with fruition fraught - The song of Braham is an Irish howl, - Thinking is but an idle waste of thought, - And nought is everything, and everything is nought. - - -IX. - - Sons of Parnassus? whom I view above, - Not laurel-crown'd but clad in rusty black, - Not spurring Pegasus through Tempe's grove, - But pacing Grub Street on a jaded hack, - What reams of foolscap, while your brains ye rack, - Ye mar to make again! for sure, ere long, - Condemn'd to tread the bard's time-sanctioned track, - Ye all shall join the bailiff-haunted throng, - And reproduce in rags the rags ye blot in song. - - -X. - - So fares the follower in the Muses' train, - He toils to starve, and only lives in death; - We slight him till our patronage is vain, - Then round his skeleton a garland wreathe, - And o'er his bones an empty requiem breathe-- - Oh! with what tragic horror would he start - (Could he be conjured from the grave beneath), - To find the stage again a Thespian cart, - And elephants and colts down trampling Shakespeare's art. - - -XI. - - Hence, pedant Nature! with thy Grecian rules! - Centaurs (not fabulous) those rules efface; - Back, sister Muses, to your native schools; - Here booted grooms usurp Apollo's place, - Hoofs shame the boards that Garrick used to grace, - The play of limbs succeeds the play of wit; - Man yields the drama to the Houynim race, - His prompter spurs, his licencer the bit, - The stage a stable-yard, a jockey-club the pit. - - -XII. - - Is it for these ye rear this proud abode? - Is it for these your superstition seeks - To build a temple worthy of a god, - To laud a monkey, or to worship leeks? - Then be the stage, to recompense your freaks, - A motley chaos, jumbling age and ranks, - Where Punch, the lignum vitae Roscius, squeaks, - And Wisdom weeps, and Folly plays his pranks, - And moody Madness laughs, and hugs the chain he clanks. - - - - -_To the Secretary of the Managing Committee of Drury Lane Playhouse._ - - -SIR, - -To the gewgaw fetters of rhyme (invented by the monks to enslave the -people) I have a rooted objection. I have therefore written an address -for your theatre in plain, homespun, yeoman's prose; in the doing -whereof I hope I am swayed by nothing but an independent wish to open -the eyes of this gulled people, to prevent a repetition of the dramatic -bamboozling they have hitherto laboured under. If you like what I have -done, and mean to make use of it, I don't want any such aristocratic -reward as a piece of plate with two griffins sprawling upon it, or a dog -and a jackass fighting for a ha'p'worth of gilt gingerbread, or any such -Bartholomew Fair nonsense. All I ask is, that the door-keepers of your -playhouse may take all the sets of my Register, now on hand, and force -everybody who enters your door to buy one, giving afterwards a debtor and -creditor account of what they have received, post-paid, and in due course -remitting me the money and unsold Registers, carriage-paid. - - I am, &c., - W. C. - - - - -IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE FARMER. - - Rabida qui concitus ira - Implevit pariter ternis latratibus auras - Et sparsit virides spumis albentibus agros.--OVID. - - -MOST THINKING PEOPLE, - -When persons address an audience from the stage, it is usual, either in -words or gesture, to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, your servant." If I -were base enough, mean enough, paltry enough, and brute beast enough, -to follow that fashion, I should tell two lies in a breath. In the -first place, you are not ladies and gentlemen, but I hope something -better--that is to say, honest men and women; and in the next place, -if you were ever so much ladies, and ever so much gentlemen, I am not, -nor ever will be, your humble servant. You see me here, most thinking -people, by mere chance. I have not been within the doors of a playhouse -before for these ten years, nor till that abominable custom of taking -money at the doors is discontinued, will I ever sanction a theatre with -my presence. The stage-door is the only gate of freedom in the whole -edifice, and through that I made my way from Bagshaw's in Brydges Street, -to accost you. Look about you. Are you not all comfortable? Nay, never -slink, mun; speak out, if you are dissatisfied, and tell me so before -I leave town. You are now (thanks to Mr. Whitbread) got into a large, -comfortable house. Not into a gimcrack palace; not into a Solomon's -temple; not into a frost-work of Brobdingnag filagree; but into a plain, -honest, homely, industrious, wholesome, brown, brick playhouse. You have -been struggling for independence and elbow-room these three years; and -who gave it you? Who helped you out of Lilliput? Who routed you from a -rat-hole, five inches by four, to perch you in a palace? Again and again -I answer, Mr. Whitbread. You might have sweltered in that place with the -Greek name till Doomsday, and neither Lord Castlereagh, Mr. Canning, -no, nor the Marquis Wellesley, would have turned a trowel to help you -out! Remember that. Never forget that. Read it to your children, and to -your children's children! And now, most thinking people, cast your eyes -over my head to what the builder (I beg his pardon, the architect) calls -the proscenium. No motto, no slang, no Popish Latin to keep the people -in the dark. No _Veluti in speculum_. Nothing in the dead languages, -properly so called, for they ought to die, ay, and be damned to boot! -The Covent Garden manager tried that, and a pretty business he made of -it! When a man says _Veluti in speculum_, he is called a man of letters. -Very well, and is not a man who cries O.P. a man of letters too? You -ran your O.P. against his _Veluti in speculum_, and pray which beat? I -prophesied that, though I never told anybody. I take it for granted, -that every intelligent man, woman, and child, to whom I address myself, -has stood severally and respectively in Little Russell Street, and cast -their, his, her, and its eyes on the outside of this building before they -paid their money to view the inside. Look at the brick-work, English -audience! Look at the brick-work! All plain and smooth like a quaker's -meeting. None of your Egyptian pyramids, to entomb subscribers' capitals. -No overgrown colonnades of stone, like an alderman's gouty legs in white -cotton stockings, fit only to use as rammers for paving Tottenham Court -Road. This house is neither after the model of a temple in Athens, no, -nor a temple in Moorfields, but it is built to act English plays in, and -provided you have good scenery, dresses, and decorations, I dare say you -wouldn't break your hearts if the outside were as plain as the pikestaff -I used to carry when I was a sergeant. _Apropos_, as the French valets -say, who cut their masters' throats--_apropos_, a word about dresses. You -must, many of you, have seen what I have read a description of--Kemble -and Mrs. Siddons in "Macbeth," with more gold and silver plastered on -their doublets than would have kept an honest family in butchers' meat -and flannel from year's end to year's end! I am informed (now mind, I -do not vouch for the fact), but I am informed that all such extravagant -idleness is to be done away with here. Lady Macbeth is to have a plain -quilted petticoat, a cotton gown, and a mob cap (as the court parasites -call it; it will be well for them if, one of these days, they don't -wear a mob cap--I mean a white cap, with a mob to look at them), and -Macbeth is to appear in an honest yeoman's drab coat, and a pair of black -calamanco breeches. Not _Sal_amanca; no, nor Talavera neither, my most -noble Marquis, but plain, honest, black calamanco, stuff breeches. This -is right; this is as it should be. Most thinking people, I have heard -you much abused. There is not a compound in the language but is strung -fifty in a rope, like onions, by the _Morning Post_, and hurled in your -teeth. You are called the mob, and when they have made you out to be the -mob, you are called the scum of the people, and the dregs of the people. -I should like to know how you can be both. Take a basin of broth--not -cheap soup, Mr. Wilberforce, not soup for the poor at a penny a quart, as -your mixture of horses' legs, brick-dust, and old shoes was denominated, -but plain, wholesome, patriotic beef or mutton broth; take this, examine -it, and you will find--mind, I don't vouch for the fact, but I am told -you will find the dregs at the bottom, and the scum at the top. I will -endeavour to explain this to you: England is a large earthenware pipkin. -John Bull is the beef thrown into it. Taxes are the hot water he boils -in. Rotten boroughs are the fuel that blazes under this same pipkin. -Parliament is the ladle that stirs the hodge-podge, and sometimes--but -hold, I don't wish to pay Mr. Newman a second visit. I leave you better -off than you have been this many a day. You have a good house over your -head; you have beat the French in Spain; the harvest has turned out -well; the comet keeps its distance; and red slippers are hawked about in -Constantinople for next to nothing, and for all this, again and again I -tell you, you are indebted to Mr. Whitbread! - - - - -THE LIVING LUSTRES. - -BY T. M. - - Jam te juvaverit - Viros relinquere, - Doctaeque conjugis - Sinu quiescere.--SIR T. MORE. - - -I. - - O why should our dull retrospective Addresses - Fall damp as wet blankets on Drury Lane fire? - Away with blue devils, away with distresses, - And give the gay spirit to sparkling desire! - - -II. - - Let artists decide on the beauties of Drury, - The richest to me is when woman is there: - The question of houses I leave to the jury; - The fairest to me is the house of the fair. - - -III. - - When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, - And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, - What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders, - With Nature so bounteous, why call upon Art? - - -IV. - - How well would our actors attend to their duties, - Our house save in oil, and our authors in wit, - In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young beauties - Glanced light from their eyes between us and the pit. - - -V. - - The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge - By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, - To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College; - I mean the love-apples that bloom in the eyes. - - -VI. - - There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, - Still governs the slaves that are made by the fair, - For man is the pupil, who, while her eye's rolling, - Is lifted to rapture or sunk in despair. - - -VII. - - Bloom, Theatre, bloom, in the roseate blushes - Of beauty illumed by a love-breathing smile; - And flourish, ye pillars, as green as the rushes - That pillow the nymphs of the Emerald Isle. - - -VIII. - - For dear is the Emerald Isle of the Ocean, - Whose daughters are fair as the foam of the wave, - Whose sons, unaccustomed to rebel commotion, - Tho' joyous are sober, tho' peaceful are brave. - - -IX. - - The shamrock their olive, sworn foe to a quarrel, - Protects from the thunder and lightning of rows; - Their sprig of shillelagh is nothing but laurel, - Which flourishes rapidly over their brows. - - -X. - - Oh! soon shall they burst the tyrannical shackles, - Which each panting bosom indignantly names, - Until not one goose at the capital cackles, - Against the grand question of Catholic claims. - - -XI. - - And then shall each Paddy, who once on the Liffy - Perchance held the helm of some mack'rel hoy, - Hold the helm of the state, and dispense in a jiffy - More fishes than ever he caught when a boy. - - -XII. - - And those who now quit their hods, shovels, and barrows, - In crowds to the bar of some ale-house to flock, - When bred to _our_ bar shall be Gibbs's and Garrows, - Assume the silk gown and discard the smock-frock. - - -XIII. - - For Erin surpasses the daughters of Neptune, - As Dian outshines each encircling star, - And the spheres of the Heavens could never have kept tune - Till set to the music of Erin-go-bra! - - - - -THE REBUILDING. - -BY R. S. - - --per audaces nova dithyrambos - Verba devolvit, numerisque fertur - Lege solutis.--HORAT. - - -_Spoken by a_ GLENDOVEER. - - I am a blessed Glendoveer; - 'Tis mine to speak, and yours to hear. - - MIDNIGHT, yet not a nose - From Tower Hill to Piccadilly snored! - Midnight, yet not a nose - From Indra drew the essence of repose! - See with what crimson fury, - By Indra fann'd, the god of fire ascends the walls of Drury; - The tops of houses, blue with lead, - Bend beneath the landlord's tread. - - Master and 'prentice, serving man and lord, - Nailer and tailor, - Grazier and brazier, - Thro' streets and alleys pour'd, - All, all abroad to gaze, - And wonder at the blaze. - Thick calf, fat foot, and slim knee, - Mounted on roof and chimney, - The mighty roast, the mighty stew - To see; - As if the dismal view - Were but to them a Brentford jubilee. - - Vainly, all radiant Surya, sire of Phaeton, - (By the Greeks called Apollo) - Hollow - Sounds from thy harp proceed; - Combustible as reed, - The tongue of Vulcan licks thy wooden legs: - From Drury's top, dissever'd from thy pegs, - Thou tumblest, - Humblest, - Where late thy bright effulgence shone on high: - While, by thy somerset excited, fly - Ten million, - Billion - Sparks from the pit, to gem the sable sky. - Now come the men of fire to quench the fires, - To Russell Street see Globe and Atlas run, - Hope gallops first, and second Sun; - On flying heel, - See Hand-in-Hand - O'ertake the band; - View with what glowing wheel - He nicks - Phoenix; - While Albion scampers from Bridge Street, Blackfriars, - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - They shout and they bellow again and again. - All, all in vain! - Water turns steam; - Each blazing beam - Hisses defiance to the eddying spout, - It seems but too plain that nothing can put it out! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - See, Drury Lane expires! - - Pent in by smoke-dried beams, twelve moons or more, - Shorn of his ray, - Surya in durance lay: - The workmen heard him shout, - But thought it would not pay - To dig him out. - When lo! terrific Yamen, lord of hell, - Solemn as lead, - Judge of the dead, - Sworn foe to witticism, - By men called criticism, - Came passing by that way: - "Rise!" cried the fiend, "behold a sight of gladness! - Behold the rival theatre, - I've set O.P. at her, - Who, like a bull-dog bold, - Growls and fastens on his hold; - The many-headed rabble roar in madness: - Thy rival staggers; come and spy her - Deep in the mud as thou art in the mire." - - So saying, in his arms he caught the beaming one, - And crossing Russell Street, - He placed him on his feet, - 'Neath Covent Garden dome. Sudden a sound - As of the bricklayers of Babel rose: - Horns, rattles, drums, tin trumpets, sheets of copper, - Punches and slaps, thwacks of all sorts and sizes, - From the knobb'd bludgeon to the taper switch, - Ran echoing round the walls; paper placards - Blotted the lamps, boots brown with mud the benches: - A sea of heads roll'd roaring in the pit; - On paper wings O.P.'s - Reclin'd in lettered ease; - While shout and scoff, - "Ya! ya! off! off!" - Like thunderbolt on Surya's ear-drum fell, - And seem'd to paint - The savage oddities of Saint - Bartholomew in hell. - - Tears dimm'd the god of light; - "Bear me back, Yamen, from this hideous sight, - Bear me back, Yamen, I grow sick, - Oh! bury me again in brick; - Shall I on New Drury tremble, - To be O.P.'d like Kemble? - No, - Better remain by rubbish guarded, - Than thus hubbubish groan placarded; - Bear me back, Yamen, bear me quick, - And bury me again in brick." - Obedient Yamen - Answer'd, Amen, - And did - As he was bid. - - There lay the buried god, and Time - Seem'd to decree eternity of lime; - But pity, like a dewdrop, gently prest - Almighty Veeshnoo's adamantine breast: - He, the preserver, ardent still - To do whate'er he says he will, - From South-hill urg'd his way, - To raise the drooping lord of day. - All earthly spells the busy one o'erpower'd; - He treats with men of all conditions, - Poets and players, tradesmen, and musicians; - Nay, even ventures - To attack the renters, - Old and new: - A list he gets - Of claims and debts, - And deems nought done while aught remains to do - Yamen beheld and wither'd at the sight; - Long had he aim'd the sunbeam to control, - For light was hateful to his soul: - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spite, - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spleen, - "Thy toils of the morning, like Ithaca's queen, - I'll toil to undo every night." - - Ye sons of song, rejoice! - Veeshnoo has still'd the jarring elements, - The spheres hymn music; - Again the god of day - Peeps forth with trembling ray, - And pours at intervals a strain divine. - "I have an iron yet in the fire," cried Yamen; - "The vollied flame rides in my breath, - My blast is elemental death; - This hand shall tear their paper bonds to pieces; - Ingross your deeds, assignments, leases, - My breath shall every line erase, - Soon as I blow the blaze." - - The lawyers are met at the Crown and Anchor, - And Yamen's visage grows blanker and blanker, - The lawyers are met at the Anchor and Crown, - And Yamen's cheek is a russety brown, - Veshnoo, now thy work proceeds; - The solicitor reads, - And, merit of merit! - Red wax and green ferret, - Are fix'd at the foot of the deeds! - - Yamen beheld and shiver'd; - His finger and thumb were cramp'd; - His ear by the flea in't was bitten, - When he saw by the lawyer's clerk written, - "Sealed and delivered," - Being first duly stamped. - - "Now for my turn," the demon cries, and blows - A blast of sulphur from his mouth and nose; - Ah! bootless aim! the critic fiend, - Sagacious Yamen, judge of hell, - Is judged in his turn; - Parchment won't burn! - His schemes of vengeance are dissolv'd in air, - Parchment won't tear! - - Is it not written in the Himakoot book - (That mighty Baly from Kehama took), - "Who blows on pounce - Must the Swerga renounce?" - It is! it is! Yamen, thine hour is nigh; - Like as an eagle claws an asp, - Veeshnoo has caught him in his mighty grasp, - And hurl'd him in spite of his shrieks and his squalls, - Whizzing aloft like the Temple fountain, - Three times as high as Meru mountain, - Which is - Ninety-nine times as high as St. Paul's. - Descending, he twisted like Levy the Jew, - Who a durable grave meant - To dig in the pavement - Of Monument Yard; - To earth by the laws of attraction he flew, - And he fell, and he fell, - To the regions of hell; - Nine centuries bounced he from cavern to rock, - And his head, as he tumbled, went nickety-nock, - Like a pebble in Carisbrooke well. - - Now Veeshnoo turn'd round to a capering varlet, - Array'd in blue and white and scarlet, - And cried, "Oh! brown of slipper as of hat! - Lend me, harlequin, thy bat!" - He seiz'd the wooden sword, and smote the earth, - When lo! upstarting into birth, - A fabric, gorgeous to behold, - Outshone in elegance the old, - And Veeshnoo saw, and cried, "Hail, playhouse mine!" - Then, bending his head, to Surya he said, - "Go, mount yon edifice, - And show thy steady face - In renovated pride, - More bright, more glorious than before!" - But ah! coy Surya still felt a twinge, - Still smarted from his former singe, - And to Veeshnoo replied, - In a tone rather gruff, - "No, thank you! one tumble's enough!" - - - - -DRURY'S DIRGE. - -BY LAURA MATILDA. - - You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force, - Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse: - We want their strength, agreed; but we atone - For that and more, by sweetness all our own.--GIFFORD. - - -I. - - Balmy Zephyrs lightly flitting, - Shade me with your azure wing; - On Parnassus' summit sitting, - Aid me, Clio, while I sing. - - -II. - - Softly slept the dome of Drury, - O'er the empyreal crest, - When Alecto's sister-fury, - Softly slumb'ring sunk to rest. - - -III. - - Lo! from Lemnos limping lamely, - Lags the lowly Lord of Fire, - Cytherea yielding tamely, - To the Cyclops dark and dire. - - -IV. - - Clouds of amber, dreams of gladness, - Dulcet joys and sports of youth, - Soon must yield to haughty sadness, - Mercy holds the veil to Truth. - - -V. - - See Erostratus the second, - Fires again Diana's fane; - By the Fates from Orcus beckon'd, - Clouds envelop Drury Lane. - - -VI. - - Lurid smoke and frank suspicion, - Hand in hand reluctant dance; - While the god fulfils his mission, - Chivalry, resign thy lance. - - -VII. - - Hark! the engines blandly thunder, - Fleecy clouds dishevell'd lie, - And the firemen, mute with wonder, - On the son of Saturn cry. - - -VIII. - - See the bird of Ammon sailing, - Perches on the engine's peak, - And the Eagle firemen hailing, - Soothes them with its bickering beak. - - -IX. - - Juno saw, and mad with malice, - Lost the prize that Paris gave. - Jealousy's ensanguin'd chalice, - Mantling pours the orient wave. - - -X. - - Pan beheld Patroclus dying, - Nox to Niobe was turn'd; - From Busiris Bacchus flying, - Saw his Semele inurn'd. - - -XI. - - Thus fell Drury's lofty glory, - Levell'd with the shuddering stones, - Mars with tresses black and gory, - Drinks the dew of pearly groans. - - -XII. - - Hark! what soft Eolian numbers, - Gem the blushes of the morn; - Break, Amphion, break your slumbers, - Nature's ringlets deck the thorn. - - -XIII. - - Ha! I hear the strain erratic, - Dimly glance from pole to pole, - Raptures sweet and dreams ecstatic - Fire my everlasting soul. - - -XIV. - - Where is Cupid's crimson motion? - Billowy ecstasy of woe, - Bear me straight, meandering ocean, - Where the stagnant torrents flow. - - -XV. - - Blood in every vein is gushing, - Vixen vengeance lulls my heart, - See, the Gorgon gang is rushing! - Never, never let us part. - - - - -A TALE OF DRURY LANE. - -BY W. S. - - Thus he went on, stringing one extravagance upon another, in the - style his books of chivalry had taught him, and imitating as near - as he could their very phrase.--DON QUIXOTE. - - -_To be spoken by_ MR. KEMBLE _in a Suit of the Black Prince's Armour, -borrowed from the Tower_. - - Survey this shield all bossy bright; - These cuisses twain behold; - Look on my form in armour dight - Of steel inlaid with gold. - My knees are stiff in iron buckles, - Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles. - These once belong'd to sable prince, - Who never did in battle wince; - With valour tart as pungent quince, - He slew the vaunting Gaul: - Rest there awhile, my bearded lance, - While from green curtain I advance - To yon footlights, no trivial dance, - And tell the town what sad mischance - Did Drury Lane befall. - - -The Night. - - On fair Augusta's towers and trees - Flitted the silent midnight breeze, - Curling the foliage as it past, - Which from the moon-tipp'd plumage cast - A spangled light like dancing spray. - Then reassumed its still array: - Whenas night's lamp unclouded hung, - And down its full effulgence flung, - It shed such soft and balmy power, - That cot and castle, hall and bower, - And spire and dome, and turret height, - Appear'd to slumber in the light. - From Henry's chapel, Rufus' hall, - To Savoy, Temple, and St. Paul, - From Knightsbridge, Pancras, Camden Town, - To Redriff, Shadwell, Horsleydown, - No voice was heard, no eye unclosed, - But all in deepest sleep reposed. - They might have thought, who gazed around - Amid a silence so profound, - It made the senses thrill, - That 'twas no place inhabited, - But some vast city of the dead, - was so hush'd and still. - - -The Burning. - - As Chaos which, by heavenly doom, - Had slept in everlasting gloom, - Started with terror and surprise, - When light first flash'd upon her eyes; - So London's sons in night-cap woke, - In bed-gown woke her dames, - For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke, - And twice ten hundred voices spoke, - "The Playhouse is in flames." - And lo! where Catherine Street extends, - A fiery tale its lustre lends - To every window-pane; - Blushes each spout in Martlet Court, - And Barbican, moth-eaten fort, - And Govent Garden kennels sport, - A bright ensanguin'd drain; - Meux's new brewhouse shows the light, - Rowland Hill's chapel, and the height - Where patent shot they sell: - The Tennis Court, so fair and tall, - Partakes the ray, with Surgeons' Hall, - The ticket porter's house of call, - Old Bedlam, close by London Wall, - Wright's shrimp and oyster shop withal, - And Richardson's Hotel. - - Nor these alone, but far and wide - Across the Thames's gleaming tide, - To distant fields the blaze was borne, - And daisy white and hoary thorn - In borrow'd lustre seem'd to sham - The rose or red sweet Wil-li-am. - To those who on the hills around - Beheld the flames from Drury's mound, - As from a lofty altar rise; - It seem'd that nations did conspire, - To offer to the god of fire - Some vast stupendous sacrifice! - The summon'd firemen woke at call, - And hied them to their stations all. - Starting from short and broken snooze, - Each sought his pond'rous hobnail'd shoes, - But first his worsted hosen plied, - Plush breeches next in crimson dyed, - His nether bulk embraced; - Then jacket thick of red or blue, - Whose massy shoulder gave to view - The badge of each respective crew, - In tin or copper traced. - The engines thunder'd thro' the street, - Fire-hook, pipe, bucket, all complete, - And torches glared, and clattering feet - Along the pavement paced. - - And one, the leader of the band, - From Charing Cross along the Strand, - Like stag by beagles hunted hard, - Ran till he stopp'd at Vin'gar Yard. - The burning badge his shoulder bore, - The belt and oilskin hat he wore, - The cane he had his men to bang, - Show'd foreman of the British gang. - His name was Higginbottom; now - 'Tis meet that I should tell you how - The others came in view: - The Hand-in-Hand the race begun, - Then came the Phoenix and the Sun, - Th' Exchange, where old insurers run, - The Eagle, where the new; - With these came Rumford, Bumford, Cole, - Robins from Hockley-in-the-Hole, - Lawson and Dawson, cheek by jowl, - Crump from St. Giles's Pound: - Whitford and Mitford join'd the train, - Huggins and Muggins from Chick Lane, - And Clutterbuck, who got a sprain - Before the plug was found. - Hobson and Jobson did not sleep, - But ah! no trophy could they reap, - For both were in the Donjon Keep - Of Bridewell's gloomy mound! - - E'en Higginbottom now was posed, - For sadder scene was ne'er disclosed; - Without, within, in hideous show, - Devouring flames resistless glow, - And blazing rafters downward go, - And never halloo "heads below!" - Nor notice give at all: - The firemen, terrified, are slow - To bid the pumping torrent flow, - For fear the roof should fall. - Back, Robins, back! Crump, stand aloof! - Whitford, keep near the walls! - Huggins, regard your own behoof, - For lo! the blazing rocking roof - Down, down in thunder falls! - - An awful pause succeeds the stroke, - And o'er the ruins volumed smoke, - Rolling around its pitchy shroud, - Conceal'd them from th' astonish'd crowd. - At length the mist awhile was clear'd, - When lo! amid the wreck uprear'd, - Gradual a moving head appear'd, - And Eagle firemen knew: - 'Twas Joseph Muggins, name revered, - The foreman of their crew. - Loud shouted all in signs of woe, - "A Muggins to the rescue, ho!" - And pour'd the hissing tide: - Meanwhile the Muggins fought amain, - And strove and struggled all in vain, - For rallying but to fall again. - He totter'd, sunk, and died! - - Did none attempt, before he fell, - To succour one they loved so well? - Yes, Higginbottom did aspire - (His fireman's soul was all on fire) - His brother chief to save; - But ah! his reckless generous ire - Served but to share his grave! - 'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams, - Thro' fire and smoke he dauntless broke, - Where Muggins broke before. - But sulphury stench and boiling drench, - Destroying sight, o'erwhelm'd him quite, - He sunk to rise no more. - Still o'er his head, while fate he braved, - His whizzing water-pipe he waved; - "Whitford and Mitford, ply your pumps, - You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps, - Why are you in such doleful dumps? - A fireman and afraid of bumps! - What are they fear'd on? fools! 'od rot 'em!" - Were the last words of Higginbottom. - - -The Revival. - - Peace to his soul! new prospects bloom, - And toil rebuilds what fires consume! - Eat we and drink we, be our ditty, - "Joy to the managing committee." - Eat we and drink we, join to rum - Roast beef and pudding of the plum; - Forth from thy nook, John Horner, come, - With bread of ginger brown thy thumb, - For this is Drury's gay day: - Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops, - And buy, to glad thy smiling chops, - Crisp parliament with lollipops, - And fingers of the lady. - - Didst mark, how toil'd the busy train - From morn to eve, till Drury Lane - Leap'd like a roebuck from the plain? - Ropes rose and sunk, and rose again, - And nimble workmen trod; - To realize bold Wyatt's plan - Rush'd many a howling Irishman, - Loud clatter'd many a porter can, - And many a ragamuffin clan, - With trowel and with hod. - - Drury revives! her rounded pate - Is blue, is heavenly blue with slate; - She "wings the midway air" elate, - As magpie, crow, or chough; - White paint her modish visage smears, - Yellow and pointed are her ears, - No pendant portico appears - Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears - Have cut the bauble off. - - Yes, she exalts her stately head, - And, but that solid bulk outspread, - Opposed you on your onward tread, - And posts and pillars warranted - That all was true that Wyatt said, - You might have deem'd her walls so thick, - Were not composed of stone or brick, - But all a phantom, all a trick, - Of brain disturb'd and fancy-sick, - So high she soars, so vast, so quick. - - - - -JOHNSON'S GHOST. - -_Ghost of_ DR. JOHNSON _rises from trap-door P.S. and Ghost of_ BOSWELL, -_from trap-door O.P. The latter bows respectfully to the House, and -obsequiously to the Doctor's Ghost, and retires_. - - -_Doctor's Ghost loquitur._ - -That which was organized by the moral ability of one, has been executed -by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now complete. -Of that part behind the curtain, which has not yet been destined to -glow beneath the brush of the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of -the carpenter, little is thought by the public, and little need be -said by the committee. Truth, however, is not to be sacrificed for the -accommodation of either, and he who should pronounce that our edifice -has received its final embellishment, would be disseminating falsehood -without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection without -participating the advantage of success. - -Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are alike -inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the practice -of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that because we -are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance is any indication of -despondency, or humility of demerit. He that is the most assured of -success will make the fewest appeals to favour, and where nothing is -claimed that is undue, nothing that is due will be withheld. A swelling -opening is too often succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient -mountains have ere now produced muscipular abortions, and the auditor -who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity, is reminded of the -pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly perambulate her streets, -exclaiming, "In the name of the Prophet--figs!" - -Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are thought wise -by others, the exertions are directed to the revival of mouldering -and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that which is now rare -only because it was always worthless, and whose deterioration, while -it condemned it to living obscurity, by a strange obliquity of moral -perception constitutes its title to posthumous renown. To embody the -flying colours of folly, to arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the -globular consistency as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald -denizen of the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display -the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinizing of -Punch; these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, limited -to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous for the -application of satire, and too humble for the incitement of jealousy. - -Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, from -the cooling nectarine and luscious peach, to the puny pippin and the -noxious nut. There indolence may repose, and inebriety revel; and the -spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, may there chatter with -impunity, debarred by a barrier of brick and mortar from marring that -scenic interest in others, which nature and education have disqualified -him from comprehending himself. - -Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent cannot be -removed, for if removed it soon ceases to be permanent. What stationary -absurdity can vie with that ligneous barricado, which, decorated with -frappant and tintinabulant appendages, now serves, as the entrance of -the lowly cottage, and now as the exit of a lady's bed-chamber; at one -time insinuating plastic Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and at another, -yawning as the flood-gate to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles's into -the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to give to -each respective mansion the door which the carpenter would doubtless have -given, we vary our portal with the varying scene, passing from deal to -mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, -palace, or castle may appear to require. - -Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, it is -fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of despondence that -assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere expressed it, "who live -to please," should not have their own pleasures entirely overlooked. -The children of Thespis are general in their censures of the architect -in having placed the locality of exit at such a distance from the oily -irradiators which now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you. I am, -cries the Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the -king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders he means -to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff "ere his purpose cool," so vast -is the interval he has to travel before he can escape from the stage, -that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your condition, cries the Muse -of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet's down in comparison with mine. The -peerless peer of capers and congees has laid it down as a rule, that the -best good thing uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly -to the doorway, last impressions vieing in durability with first. But -when on this boarded elongation it falls to my lot to say a good thing, -to ejaculate "keep moving," or to chaunt "hic hoc horum genetivo," many -are the moments that must elapse ere I can hide myself from public vision -in the recesses of O.P. or P.S. - -To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously maintained, -it is time that equity should conclusively reply. Deviation from -scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for the consequences -it generates. Let the actor consider the line of exit as that line -beyond which he should not soar in quest of spurious applause: let him -reflect that in proportion as he advances to the lamps, he recedes from -nature; that the truncheon of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from -encountering the cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura -of Mandane may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles -it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern critical -Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky, has, _ex cathedra_, asserted -that a natural actor looks upon the audience part of the theatre as the -third side of the chamber he inhabits. Surely of the third wall thus -fancifully erected, our actors should by ridicule or reason be withheld -from knocking their heads against the stucco. - -Time forcibly reminds me that all things which have a limit must be -brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion arrives, recall -to your recollection that the pillars which rise on either side of -me, blooming in varied antiquity, like two massy evergreens, had yet -slumbered in their native quarry, but for the ardent exertions of the -individual who called them into life: to his never-slumbering talents you -are indebted for whatever pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated -to afford. If, in defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the -temple of Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may -confidently predict, that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo will -stand recorded to distant posterity in that of--SAMUEL WHITBREAD. - - - - -THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY. - -BY THE HON. W. S. - - Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvas.--VIRGIL. - -_Scene draws, and discovers a Lady asleep on a couch. Enter_ PHILANDER. - - -PHILANDER. - - -I. - - Sobriety, cease to be sober, - Cease, Labour, to dig and to delve, - And hail to this tenth of October, - One thousand eight hundred and twelve. - Hah! whom do my peepers remark? - 'Tis Hebe with Jupiter's jug; - Oh no, 'tis the pride of the Park, - Fair Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -II. - - Why, beautiful nymph, do you close - The curtain that fringes your eye? - Why veil in the clouds of repose - The sun that should brighten our sky? - Perhaps jealous Venus has oil'd - Thy hair with some opiate drug, - Not choosing her charms should be foil'd - By Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -III. - - But ah! why awaken the blaze - The bright burning-glasses contain, - Whose lens with concentrated rays - Proved fatal to old Drury Lane. - 'Twas all accidental they cry,-- - Away with the flimsy humbug! - 'Twas tired by a flash from the eye - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -IV. - - Thy glance can in us raise a flame, - Then why should old Drury be free? - Our doom and its doom are the same, - Both subject to beauty's decree. - No candles the workmen consum'd, - When deep in the ruins they dug, - Thy flash still their progress illum'd, - Sweet Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -V. - - Thy face a rich fireplace displays; - The mantel-piece marble--thy brows; - Thine eyes are the bright beaming blaze, - Thy bib which no trespass allows, - The fender's tall barrier marks; - Thy tippet's the fire-quelling rug, - Which serves to extinguish the sparks - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -VI. - - The Countess a lily appears, - Whose tresses the dewdrops emboss; - The Marchioness blooming in years, - A rosebud envelop'd in moss; - But thou art the sweet passion-flower, - For who would not slavery hug, - To pass but one exquisite hour - In the arms of Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VII. - - When at Court, or some dowager's rout, - Her diamond aigrette meets our view, - She looks like a glow-worm dress'd out, - Or tulips bespangled with dew. - Her two lips denied to man's suit, - Are shared with her favourite Pug; - What lord would not change with the brute, - To live with Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VIII. - - Could the stage be a large _vis-a-vis_, - Reserv'd for the polish'd and great, - Where each happy lover might see - The nymph he adores _tete-a-tete_; - No longer I'd gaze on the ground, - And the load of despondency lug, - For I'd book myself all the year round, - To ride with the sweet Lady Mugg. - - -IX. - - Yes, she in herself is a host, - And if she were here all alone, - Our house might nocturnally boast - A bumper of fashion and ton. - Again should it burst in a blaze, - In vain would they ply Congreve's plug, - For nought could extinguish the rays - From the glance of divine Lady Mugg. - - -X. - - O could I as Harlequin frisk, - And thou be my Columbine fair, - My wand should with one magic whisk - Transport us to Hanover Square; - St. George should lend us his shrine, - The parson his shoulders might shrug, - But a licence should force him to join - My hand in the hand of my Mugg. - - -XI. - - Court-plaister the weapons should tip, - By Cupid shot down from above, - Which cut into spots for thy lip, - Should still barb the arrows of love. - The god who from others flies quick, - With us should be slow as a slug, - As close as a leech he should stick - To me and Elizabeth Mugg. - - -XII. - - For Time would, like us, 'stead of sand, - Put filings of steel in his glass, - To dry up the blots of his hand, - And spangle life's page as they pass. - Since all flesh is grass ere 'tis hay, - O may I in clover live snug, - And when old Time mows me away, - Be stack'd with defunct Lady Mugg. - - - - -FIRE AND ALE. - -BY M. G. L. - -Omnia transformat sese in miracula rerum.--VIRGIL. - - - My palate is parch'd with Pierian thirst, - Away to Parnassus I'm beckon'd; - List, warriors and dames, while my lay is rehears'd, - I sing of the singe of Miss Drury the first, - And the birth of Miss Drury the second. - - The Fire King one day rather amorous felt; - He mounted his hot copper filly; - His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt - Was made of cast iron, for fear it should melt - With the heat of the copper colt's belly. - - Sure never was skin half so scalding as his! - When an infant, 'twas equally horrid, - For the water when he was baptized gave a fizz, - And bubbled and simmer'd and started off, whizz! - As soon as it sprinkled his forehead. - - Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, - For two living coals were the symbols; - His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, - It rattled against them as though you should try - To play the piano in thimbles. - - From his nostrils a lava sulphureous flows, - Which scorches wherever it lingers, - A snivelling fellow he's call'd by his foes, - For he can't raise his paw up to blow his red nose, - For fear it should blister his fingers. - - His wig is of flames curling over his head, - Well powder'd with white smoking ashes; - He drinks gunpowder tea, melted sugar of lead, - Cream of tartar, and dines on hot spice gingerbread, - Which black from the oven he gnashes. - - Each fire nymph his kiss from her countenance shields, - 'Twould soon set her cheekbone a-frying - He spit in the tenter-ground near Spitalfields, - And the hole that it burnt and the chalk that it yields - Make a capital limekiln for drying. - - When he open'd his mouth out there issued a blast, - (_Nota bene_, I do not mean swearing,) - But the noise that it made and the heat that it cast, - I've heard it from those who have seen it, surpass'd - A shot manufactory flaring. - - He blaz'd and he blaz'd as he gallop'd to snatch - His bride, little dreaming of danger; - His whip was a torch, and his spur was a match, - And over the horse's left eye was a patch, - To keep it from burning the manger. - - And who is the housemaid he means to enthral - In his cinder-producing alliance? - 'Tis Drury Lane Playhouse, so wide, and so tall, - Who, like other combustible ladies, must fall, - If she cannot set sparks at defiance. - - On his warming-pan knee-pan he clattering roll'd, - And the housemaid his hand would have taken, - But his hand, like his passion, was too hot to hold, - And she soon let it go, but her new ring of gold - All melted, like butter or bacon! - - Oh! then she look'd sour, and indeed well she might, - For Vinegar Yard was before her, - But, spite of her shrieks, the ignipotent knight, - Enrobing the maid in a flame of gas-light, - To the skies in a sky-rocket bore her. - - Look! look! 'tis the Ale King, so stately and starch, - Whose votaries scorn to be sober; - He pops from his vat, like a cedar or larch: - Brown stout is his doublet, he hops in his march, - And froths at the mouth in October. - - His spear is a spigot, his shield is a bung; - He taps where the housemaid no more is, - When lo! at his magical bidding, upsprung - A second Miss Drury, tall, tidy, and young, - And sported _in loco sororis_. - - Back, lurid in air, for a second regale, - The Cinder King, hot with desire, - To Brydges Street hied; but the Monarch of Ale, - With uplifted spigot and faucet, and pail, - Thus chided the Monarch of Fire: - - "Vile tyrant, beware of the ferment I brew, - I rule the roast here, dash the wig o' me! - If, spite of your marriage with Old Drury, you - Come here with your tinderbox, courting the New, - I'll have you indicted for bigamy!" - - - - -PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS. - -BY S. T. C. - - - Ille velut fidis aroana sodalibus olim - Credebat libris; neque si male cesserat, usquam - Decurrens alio, neque si bene.--HORAT. - - - My pensive public, wherefore look you sad? - I had a grandmother, she kept a donkey - To carry to the mart her crockery ware, - And when that donkey look'd me in the face, - His face was sad! and you are sad, my public! - - Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October - Again assembles us in Drury Lane. - Long wept my eye to see the timber planks - That hid our ruins; many a day I cried, - "Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!" - Till on one eve, one joyful Monday eve, - As along Charles Street I prepared to walk, - Just at the corner, by the pastry-cook's, - I heard a trowel tick against a brick. - I look'd me up, and straight a parapet - Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks. - "Joy to thee, Drury!" to myself I said: - "He of Blackfriars Road who hymn'd thy downfall - In loud hosannahs, and who prophesied - That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma, - Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee, - Has proved a lying prophet." From that hour, - As leisure offer'd, close to Mr. Spring's - Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders. - They had a plan to render less their labours; - Workmen in elder times would mount a ladder - With hodded heads, but these stretch'd forth a pole - From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley - Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley; - To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks - Thus freighted, swung securely to the top, - And in the empty basket workmen twain - Precipitate, unhurt, accosted earth. - - Oh! 'twas a goodly sound to hear the people - Who watch'd the work, express their various thoughts! - While some believ'd it never would be finish'd, - Some on the contrary believ'd it would. - - I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane - Much criticis'd; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work, - A mimic manufactory of floor-cloth. - One of the morning papers wish'd that front - Cemented like the front in Brydges Street; - As it now looks they call it Wyatt's Mermaid, - A handsome woman with a fish's tail. - - White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The Albion (as its name denotes) is white; - Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables - Gleams like a snowball in the setting sun; - White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders, - Nor white Whitehall is white as Drury's face. - - Oh, Mr. Whitbread! fie upon you, sir! - I think you should have built a colonnade; - When tender Beauty, looking for her coach, - Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower, - And draws the tippet closer round her throat. - Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off, - And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud - Soaks thro' her pale kid slipper. On the morrow - She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa - Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!" - To build no portico is penny wise: - Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish! - - Hail to thee, Drury! Queen of Theatres! - What is the Regency in Tottenham Street, - The Royal Amphitheatre of Arts, - Astley's Olympic, or the Sans Pareil, - Compar'd with thee? Yet when I view thee push'd - Back from the narrow street that christen'd thee, - I know not why they call thee Drury Lane. - - Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions, - It grieves me much to see live animals - Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit, - Laurent his cat, and Bradbury his pig; - Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist - Of former Drury, imitated life - Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard, - Stuff'd by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis, - As spruce as he who roar'd in Padmanaba. - Nought born on earth should die. On hackney stands - I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee," - And spares the lash. When I behold a spider - Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm, - Or view a butcher with horn-handle knife - Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton, - Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very sick! [_Exit hastily._ - - - - -DRURY LANE HUSTINGS. - -A NEW HALFPENNY BALLAD. - -BY A PIC-NIC POET. - - This is the very age of promise. To promise is most courtly and - fashionable. Performance is a kind of will or testament, which - argues a great sickness in his judgment that makes it.--TIMON OF - ATHENS. - - - _To be sung by_ MR. JOHNSTONE _in the character of_ - LOONEY M'TWOLTER. - - -I. - - "Mr. Jack, your address," says the prompter to me, - So I gave him my card--"No, that a'nt it," says he, - "'Tis your public address." "Oh!" says I, "never fear, - If address you are bother'd for, only look here." - [_Puts on hat affectedly._ - Tol de rol lol, &c. - - -II. - - With Drurys for sartain we'll never have done, - We've built up another, and yet there's but one; - The old one was best, yet I'd say, if I durst, - The new one is better--the last is the first. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -III. - - These pillars are called by a Frenchified word, - A something that's jumbled of antique and verd, - The boxes may show us some verdant antiques, - Some bold harridans who beplaster their cheeks. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IV. - - Only look how high Tragedy, Comedy, stick, - Lest their rivals, the horses, should give them a kick! - If you will not descend when our authors beseech ye, - You'll stop there for life, for I'm sure they can't reach ye. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -V. - - Each one shilling god within reach of a nod is, - And plain are the charms of each gallery goddess, - You, brandy-faced Moll, don't be looking askew, - When I talked of a goddess I didn't mean you. - Tol de rol, &c - - -VI. - - Our stage is so prettily fashion'd for viewing, - The whole house can see what the whole house is doing. - 'Tis just like the hustings, we kick up a bother, - But saying is one thing and doing's another. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VII. - - We've many new houses, and some of them rum ones, - But the newest of all is the new House of Commons, - 'Tis a rickety sort of a bantling I'm told, - It will die of old age when it's seven years old. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VIII. - - As I don't know on whom the election will fall, - I move in return for returning them all; - But for fear Mr. Speaker my meaning should miss, - The house that I wish 'em to sit in is this. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IX. - - Let us cheer our great Commoner, but for whose aid - We all should have gone with short commons to bed, - And since he has saved all the fat from the fire, - I move that the House be call'd Whitbread's Entire. - Tol de rol, &c. - - - - -ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS. - -TRANSLATED BY DR. B. - -Lege, Dick, Lege!--JOSEPH ANDREWS. - - -_To be recited by the Translator's Son._ - - Away, fond dupes! who smit with sacred lore, - Mosaic dreams in Genesis explore, - Dote with Copernicus, or darkling stray - With Newton, Ptolemy, or Tycho Brahe: - To you I sing not, for I sing of truth, - Primaeval systems, and creation's youth; - Such as of old, with magic wisdom fraught, - Inspired Lucretius to the Latians taught. - - I sing how casual bricks, in airy climb, - Encounter'd casual horse-hair, casual lime; - How rafters borne through wondering clouds elate, - Kiss'd in their slope blue elemental slate, - Clasp'd solid beams in chance-directed fury, - And gave to birth our renovated Drury. - Thee, son of Jove, whose sceptre was confessed, - Where fair OEolia springs from Tethys' breast: - Thence on Olympus 'mid Celestials placed, - God of the winds, and Ether's boundless waste, - Thee I invoke! Oh, _puff_ my bold design, - Prompt the bright thought, and swell the harmonious line; - Uphold my pinions, and my verse inspire - With Winsor's patent gas, or wind of fire, - In whose pure blaze thy embryo form enroll'd, - The dark enlightens, and enchafes the cold. - - But while I court thy gifts, be mine to shun - The deprecated prize Ulysses won; - Who sailing homeward from thy breezy shore, - The prison'd winds in skins of parchment bore:-- - Speeds the fleet bark, till o'er the billowy green - The azure heights of Ithaca are seen; - But while with favouring gales her way she wins, - His curious comrades ope the mystic skins: - When lo! the rescued winds, with boisterous sweep, - Roar to the clouds, and lash the rocking deep; - Heaves the smote vessel in the howling blast, - Splits the stretch'd sail, and cracks the tottering mast. - Launch'd on a plank, the buoyant hero rides - Where ebon Afric stems the sable tides, - While his duck'd comrades o'er the ocean fly, - And sleep not in the whole skins they untie. - - So when to raise the wind some lawyer tries, - Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes. - On speed the smiling suit, "Pleas of our Lord - The King" shine jetty on the wide record: - Nods the prunella'd bar, attornies smile, - And siren jurors flatter to beguile; - Till stript--nonsuited--he is doom'd to toss - In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss; - Lucky, if, like Ulysses, he can keep - His head above the waters of the deep. - - AEolian monarch! Emperor of Puffs! - We modern sailors dread not thy rebuffs; - See to thy golden shore promiscuous come - Quacks for the lame, the blind, the deaf, the dumb; - Fools are their bankers--a prolific line, - And every mortal malady's a mine. - Each sly Sangrado, with his poisonous pill, - Flies to the printer's devil with his bill, - Whose Midas touch can gild his asses' ears, - And load a knave with folly's rich arrears. - And lo! a second miracle is thine, - For sloe-juiced water stands transform'd to wine. - Where Day and Martin's patent blacking roll'd, - Burst from the vase Pactolian streams of gold; - Laugh the sly wizards glorying in their stealth, - Quit the black art, and loll in lazy wealth. - See Britain's Algerines, the Lottery fry, - Win annual tribute by the annual lie. - Aided by thee--but whither do I stray? - Court, city, borough, own thy sovereign sway: - An age of puffs the age of gold succeeds, - And windy bubbles are the spawn it breeds. - - If such thy power, O hear the Muse's prayer! - Swell thy loud lungs, and wave thy wings of air; - Spread, viewless giant, all thy arms of mist - Like windmill sails to bring the poet grist; - As erst thy roaring son with eddying gale - Whirl'd Orithyia from her native vale-- - So, while Lucretian wonders I rehearse, - Augusta's sons shall patronize my verse. - - I sing of Atoms, whose creative brain, - With eddying impulse, built new Drury Lane; - Not to the labours of subservient man, - To no young Wyatt appertains the plan; - We mortals stalk, like horses in a mill, - Impassive media of Atomic will; - Ye stare! then truth's broad talisman discern-- - 'Tis Demonstration speaks.--Attend and learn! - - From floating elements in chaos hurl'd, - Self-form'd of atoms, sprang the infant world. - No great First Cause inspired the happy plot, - But all was matter, and no matter what. - Atoms, attracted by some law occult, - Settling in spheres, the globe was the result; - Pure child of Chance, which still directs the ball, - As rotatory atoms rise or fall. - In ether launch'd, the peopled bubble floats, - A mass of particles and confluent motes, - So nicely pois'd, that if one atom flings - Its weight away, aloft the planet springs, - And wings its course thro' realms of boundless space, - Outstripping comets in eccentric race. - Add but one atom more, it sinks outright - Down to the realms of Tartarus and night. - What waters melt or scorching fires consume, - In different forms their being reassume; - Hence can no change arise, except in name, - For weight and substance ever are the same. - - Thus with the flames that from old Drury rise, - Its elements primaeval sought the skies, - There, pendulous to wait the happy hour, - When new attractions should restore their power. - So in this procreant theatre elate, - Echoes unborn their future life await; - Here embryo sounds in ether lie conceal'd, - Like words in northern atmosphere congeal'd. - Here many a fœtus laugh and half encore - Clings to the roof, or creeps along the floor. - By puffs concipient some in ether flit, - And soar in bravos from the thundering pit; - Some forth on ticket nights from tradesmen break, - To mar the actor they design to make; - While some this mortal life abortive miss, - Crush'd by a groan, or strangled by a hiss. - So, when "dog's-meat" re-echoes through the streets, - Rush sympathetic dogs from their retreats, - Beam with bright blaze their supplicating eyes, - Sink their hind-legs, ascend their joyful cries; - Each, wild with hope, and maddening to prevail, - Points the pleased ear, and wags the expectant tail. - - Ye fallen bricks! in Drury's fire calcined, - Since doom'd to slumber, couch'd upon the wind, - Sweet was the hour, when tempted by your freaks, - Congenial trowels smooth'd your yellow cheeks. - Float dulcet serenades upon the ear, - Bends every atom from its ruddy sphere, - Twinkles each eye, and, peeping from its veil, - Marks in the adverse crowd its destined male. - The oblong beauties clap their hands of grit, - And brick-dust titterings on the breezes flit; - Then down they rush in amatory race, - Their dusty bridegrooms eager to embrace. - Some choose old lovers, some decide for new, - But each, when fix'd, is to her station true. - Thus various bricks are made as tastes invite, - The red, the grey, the dingy, or the white. - - Perhaps some half-baked rover, frank and free, - To alien beauty bends the lawless knee, - But of unhallow'd fascinations sick, - Soon quits his Cyprian for his married brick; - The Dido atom calls and scolds in vain, - No crisp AEneas soothes the widow's pain. - - So in Cheapside, what time Aurora peeps, - A mingled noise of dustmen, milk, and sweeps, - Falls on the housemaid's ear; amaz'd she stands, - Then opes the door with cinder-sabled hands, - And "matches" calls. The dustman, bubbled flat, - Thinks 'tis for him, and doffs his fan-tail'd hat; - The milkman, whom her second cries assail, - With sudden sink, unyokes the clinking pail; - Now louder grown, by turns she screams and weeps; - Alas! her screaming only brings the sweeps. - Sweeps but put out--she wants to raise a flame, - And calls for matches, but 'tis still the same. - Atoms and housemaids! mark the moral true, - If once ye go astray, no _match_ for you! - - As atoms in one mass united mix, - So bricks attraction feel for kindred bricks; - Some in the cellar view, perchance, on high, - Fair chimney chums on beds of mortar lie; - Enamour'd of the sympathetic clod, - Leaps the red bridegroom to the labourer's hod, - And up the ladder bears the workman, taught - To think he bears the bricks--mistaken thought! - A proof behold--if near the top they find - The nymphs or broken corner'd, or unkind, - Back to the bottom leaping with a bound, - They bear their bleeding carriers to the ground. - - So legends tell, along the lofty hill - Paced the twin heroes, gallant Jack and Jill; - On trudged the Gemini to reach the rail - That shields the well's top from the expectant pail, - When ah! Jack falls; and, rolling in the rear, - Jill feels the attraction of his kindred sphere; - Head over heels begins his toppling track, - Throws sympathetic somersets with Jack, - And at the mountain's base, bobbs plump against him, whack! - - Ye living atoms, who unconscious sit, - Jumbled by chance in gallery, box, and pit, - For you no Peter opes the fabled door, - No churlish Charon plies the shadowy oar;-- - Breathe but a space, and Boreas' casual sweep - Shall bear your scatter'd corses o'er the deep, - To gorge the greedy elements, and mix - With water, marl, and clay, and stones and sticks; - While, charged with fancied souls, sticks, stones and clay, - Shall take your seats, and hiss or clap the play. - - O happy age! when convert Christians read - No sacred writings but the Pagan creed; - O happy age! when spurning Newton's dreams, - Our poet's sons recite Lucretian themes, - Abjure the idle systems of their youth, - And turn again to atoms and to truth. - O happier still! when England's dauntless dames, - Awed by no chaste alarms, no latent shames, - The bard's fourth book unblushingly peruse, - And learn the rampant lessons of the stews! - - All hail, Lucretius, renovated sage! - Unfold the modest mystics of thy page; - Return no more to thy sepulchral shelf, - But live, kind bard,--that I may live myself! - - - - -THEATRICAL ALARM BELL. - -BY THE EDITOR OF THE M. P. - -Bounce, Jupiter, bounce!--O'HARA. - - -LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, - -As it is now the universally-admitted, and indeed -pretty-generally-suspected aim of Mr. Whitbread and the infamous, -bloodthirsty, and, in fact, illiberal faction to which he belongs, to -burn to the ground this free and happy Protestant city, and establish -himself in St. James's Palace, his fellow committee-men have thought -it their duty to watch the principles of a theatre built under his -auspices. The information they have received from undoubted authority, -particularly from an old fruit-woman who had turned king's evidence, and -whose name for obvious reasons we forbear to mention, though we have had -it some weeks in our possession, has induced them to introduce various -reforms: not such reforms as the vile faction clamour for, meaning -thereby revolution, but such reforms as are necessary to preserve the -glorious constitution of the only free, happy, and prosperous country -now left upon the face of the earth. From the valuable and authentic -source above alluded to, we have learnt that a sanguinary plot has -been formed by some united Irishmen, combined with a gang of Luddites, -and a special committee sent over by the Pope at the instigation of -the beastly Corsican fiend, for destroying all the loyal part of -the audience on the anniversary of that deeply-to-be-abhorred and -highly-to-be-blamed stratagem, the gunpowder plot, which falls this year -on Thursday, the 5th of November. The whole is under the direction of -a delegated committee of O.P.'s, whose treasonable exploits at Covent -Garden you all recollect, and all of whom would have been hung from the -chandeliers at that time but for the mistaken lenity of government. -At a given signal a well-known O.P. was to cry out from the gallery, -"Nosey! Music!" whereupon all the O.P.'s were to produce from their -inside pockets a long pair of shears, edged with felt to prevent their -making any noise, manufactured expressly by a wretch at Birmingham, -one of Mr. Brougham's evidences, and now in custody. With these they -were to cut off the heads of all the loyal N.P.'s in the house, without -distinction of sex or age. At the signal, similarly given, of "Throw -him over," which it now appears always alluded to the overthrow of our -never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-deeply-and-universally-to-be-venerated -constitution, all the heads of the N.P.'s were to be thrown at the -fiddlers, to prevent their appearing in evidence, or perhaps as a false -and illiberal insinuation that they have no heads of their own. All that -we know of the further designs of these incendiaries is, that they are -by-a-great-deal-too-much too-horrible-to-be-mentioned. - -The manager has acted with his usual promptitude on this trying -occasion. He has contracted for 300 tons of gunpowder, which -are at this moment placed in a small barrel under the pit, and -a descendant of Guy Faux, assisted by Colonel Congreve, has -undertaken to blow up the house, when necessary, in so novel and -ingenious a manner, that every O.P. shall be annihilated, while not -a whisker of the N.P.'s shall be singed. This strikingly displays -the advantages of loyalty and attachment to government. Several -other hints have been taken from the theatrical regulations of the -not-a-bit-the-less-on-that-account-to-be-universally-execrated monster -Bonaparte. A park of artillery, provided with chain-shot, is to be -stationed on the stage, and play upon the audience in case of any -indication of misplaced applause or popular discontent (which accounts -for the large space between the curtain and the lamps); and the public -will participate our satisfaction in learning that the indecorous custom -of standing up with the hat on is to be abolished, as the Bow Street -officers are provided with daggers, and have orders to stab all such -persons to the heart, and send their bodies to Surgeons' Hall; gentlemen -who cough are only to be slightly wounded. Fruit-women bawling "Bill of -the Play" are to be forthwith shot, for which purpose soldiers will be -stationed in the slips, and ball-cartridge is to be served out with the -lemonade. If any of the spectators happen to sneeze or spit they are to -be transported for life, and any person who is so tall as to prevent -another seeing, is to be dragged out and sent on board the tender, or, by -an instrument taken out of the pocket of Procrustes, to be forthwith cut -shorter, either at the head or foot, according as his own convenience may -dictate. - -Thus, ladies and gentlemen, have the committee, through my medium, -set forth the not-in-a-hurry-to-be-paralleled plan they have -adopted for preserving order and decorum within the walls of their -magnificent edifice. Nor have they, while attentive to their own -concerns, by any means overlooked those of the cities of London -and Westminster. Finding, on enumeration, that they have with a -with-two-hands-and-one-tongue-to-be-applauded liberality, contracted -for more gunpowder than they want, they have parted with the surplus -to the mattock-carrying and hustings-hammering high bailiff of -Westminster, who has, with his own shovel, dug a large hole in -the front of the parish church of St. Paul, Covent Garden, that, -upon the least symptom of ill-breeding in the mob at the general -election, the whole of the market may be blown into the air. This, -ladies and gentlemen, may at first make provisions _rise_, but -we pledge the credit of our theatre that they will soon _fall_ -again, and people be supplied as usual with vegetables in the -in-general-strewed-with-cabbage-stalks-but-on-Saturday-night-lighted-up- -with-lamps market of Covent Garden. - -I should expatiate more largely on the other advantages of the glorious -constitution of these by-the-whole-of-Europe-envied realms, but I am -called away to take an account of the ladies, and other artificial -flowers, at a fashionable rout, of which a full and particular account -will hereafter appear. For the present, my fashionable intelligence is -scanty, on account of the opening of Drury Lane; and the ladies and -gentlemen who honour me with their attention, will not be surprised if -they find nothing under my usual head! - - - - -THE THEATRE. - -BY THE REV. G. C. - - Nil intentatum nostri liquore poetae, - Nec minimum meruere decus, vestigia Graeca - Ausi desesere, et celebrare domestica facta.--HORAT. - - -A PREFACE OF APOLOGIES. - -If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected for the -opening Address, a few words of explanation may be deemed necessary, on -my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. The animadversion I have -thought it right to make on the noise created by tuning the orchestra, -will, I hope, give no lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed -in the band. It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments -ready tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation to -many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who not being blest -with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning for the overture, and -think the latter concluded before it is begun. - - "one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still--" - -was originally written "one hautboy will," but having providentially -been informed, when this poem was upon the point of being sent off, that -there is but one hautboy in the band, I averted the storm of popular and -managerial indignation from the head of its blower; as it now stands, -"one fiddle" among many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape -detection. The story of the flying playbill is calculated to expose -a practice, much too common, of pinning playbills to the cushions, -insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these -lines save one playbill only from the fate I have recorded, I shall not -deem my labour ill employed. The concluding episode of Patrick Jennings, -glances at the boorish fashion of wearing the hat in the one-shilling -gallery. Had Jennings thrust his between his feet at the commencement of -the play, he might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe -I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs formed to -enable him to recover his loss, is purposely so crossed in texture and -materials, as to mislead the reader in respect of the real owner of any -one of them. For, in the satirical view of life and manners, which I -occasionally present, my clerical profession has taught me how extremely -improper it would be by any allusion, however slight, to give any -uneasiness, however trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked. - - G. C. - - - - -THE THEATRE. - - Interior of a theatre described.--Pit gradually fills.--The - check-taker.--Pit full.--The orchestra tuned.--One fiddle - rather dilatory.--Is reproved--and repents.--Evolutions of a - playbill.--Its final settlement on the spikes.--The gods taken - to task--and why.--Motley group of playgoers.--Holywell Street, - St. Pancras.--Emanuel Jennings binds his son apprentice.--Not in - London--and why.--Episode of the hat. - - - 'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six, - Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks, - Touch'd by the lamplighter's Promethean art, - Start into light and make the lighter start; - To see red Phoebus through the gallery pane - Tinge with his beam the beams of Drury Lane, - While gradual parties fill our widen'd pit, - And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit. - - At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease, - Distant or near, they settle where they please; - But when the multitude contracts the span, - And seats are rare, they settle where they can. - - Now the full benches, to late comers, doom - No room for standing, miscall'd _standing-room_. - - Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks, - And bawling "Pit full," gives the check he takes; - Yet onward still, the gathering numbers cram, - Contending crowders shout the frequent damn, - And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, jam. - - See to their desks Apollo's sons repair; - Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair; - In unison their various tones to tune - Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon; - In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute, - Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute, - Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp, - Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp; - Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in, - Attunes to order the chaotic din. - Now all seems hush'd--but no, one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still; - Foil'd in his crash, the leader of the clan - Reproves with frowns the dilatory man; - Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow, - Nods a new signal, and away they go. - Perchance, while pit and gallery cry, "Hats off," - And awed Consumption checks his chided cough, - Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love - Drops, reft of pin, her playbill from above; - Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap, - Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap; - But, wiser far than he, combustion fears, - And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers; - Till sinking gradual, with repeated twirl, - It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl; - Who from his powder'd pate the intruder strikes, - And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes. - - Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? - Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? - He who, in quest of quiet, "silence" hoots, - Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. - - What various swains our motley walls contain! - Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick Lane; - Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort, - Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court; - From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, - Culls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane; - The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, - The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; - Boys who long linger at the gallery door, - With pence twice five, they want but twopence more, - Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, - And sends them jumping up the gallery stairs. - - Critics we boast who ne'er their malice baulk, - But talk their minds, we wish they'd mind their talk; - Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, - Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; - Jews from St. Mary Axe, for jobs so wary, - That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; - And bucks with pockets empty as their pate, - Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait, - Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse - With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house. - - Yet here, as elsewhere, chance can joy bestow, - Where scowling fortune seem'd to threaten woe. - - John Richard William Alexander Dwyer - Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire; - But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues, - Emanuel Jennings polish'd Stubbs's shoes. - Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy - Up as a corn-cutter, a safe employ; - In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred - (At number twenty-seven, it is said), - Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head: - He would have bound him to some shop in town, - But with a premium he could not come down; - Pat was the urchin's name, a red-hair'd youth, - Fonder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth. - - Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongues in awe, - The Muse shall tell an accident she saw. - - Pat Jennings in the upper gallery sat, - But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat; - Down from the gallery the beaver flew, - And spurn'd the one to settle in the two. - How shall he act? Pay at the gallery door - Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four? - Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait, - And gain his hat again at half-past eight? - Now, while his fears anticipate a thief, - John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief." - "Thank you," cries Pat, "but one won't make a line;" - "Take mine," cried Wilson, and cried Stokes, "take mine." - A motley cable soon Pat Jennings ties, - Where Spitalfields with real India vies. - Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted hue, - Starr'd, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue, - Old calico, torn silk, and muslin new. - George Green below, with palpitating hand, - Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band. - Up soars the prize; the youth, with joy unfeign'd, - Regain'd the felt, and felt what he regain'd, - While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat - Made a low bow, and touch'd the ransom'd hat. - - - - -_To the Managing Committee of the New Drury Lane Theatre._ - - -GENTLEMEN, - -Happening to be wool-gathering at the foot of Mount Parnassus, I was -suddenly seized with a violent travestie in the head. The first symptoms -I felt were several triple rhymes floating about my brain, accompanied by -a singing in my throat, which quickly communicated itself to the ears of -everybody about me, and made me a burthen to my friends, and a torment -to Doctor Apollo, three of whose favourite servants, that is to say, -Macbeth, his butcher, Mrs. Haller, his cook, and George Barnwell, his -book-keeper, I waylaid in one of my fits of insanity, and mauled after -a very frightful fashion. In this woeful crisis I accidentally heard -of your invaluable New Patent Hissing Pit, which cures every disorder -incident to Grub Street. I send you enclosed a more detailed specimen of -my case; if you could mould it into the shape of an Address to be said -or sung on the first night of your performance, I have no doubt that I -should feel the immediate effects of your invaluable New Patent Hissing -Pit, of which they tell me one hiss is a dose. - - I am, &c. - MOMUS MEDLAR. - - - - -CASE NO. I. - - -MACBETH. - - _Enter_ MACBETH _in a red nightcap_. PAGE _following with a torch_. - - Go, boy, and thy good mistress tell - (She knows that my purpose is cruel), - I'd thank her to tingle her bell, - As soon as she's heated my gruel. - Go, get thee to bed and repose, - To sit up so late is a scandal; - But ere you have ta'en off your clothes, - Be sure that you put out that candle. - Ri fol de rol tol de rol lol. - - My stars, in the air here's a knife! - I'm sure it cannot be a hum; - I'll catch at the handle, add's life, - And then I shall not cut my thumb. - I've got him!--no, at him again, - Come, come, I'm not fond of these jokes: - This must be some blade of the brain: - Those witches are given to hoax. - - I've one in my pocket, I know, - My wife left on purpose behind her, - She bought this of Teddy-high-ho, - The poor Caledonian grinder. - I see thee again! o'er thy middle - Large drops of red blood now are spill'd, - Just as much as to say diddle diddle, - Good Duncan pray come and be kill'd. - - It leads to his chamber, I swear; - I tremble and quake every joint; - No dog at the scent of a hare - Ever yet made a cleverer point. - Ah, no! 'twas a dagger of straw-- - Give me blinkers to save me from starting; - The knife that I thought that I saw, - Was nought but my eye, Betty Martin. - - Now o'er this terrestrial hive - A life paralytic is spread, - For while the one half is alive, - The other is sleepy and dead. - King Duncan in grand majesty - Has got my state bed for a snooze, - I've lent him my slippers, so I - May certainly stand in his shoes. - - Blow softly, ye murmuring gales, - Ye feet rouse no echo in walking, - For though a dead man tells no tales, - Dead walls are much given to talking. - This knife shall be in at the death, - I'll stick him, then off safely get. - Cries the world, this could not be Macbeth, - For he'd ne'er stick at anything yet. - - Hark, hark, 'tis the signal by goles, - It sounds like a funeral knell: - O hear it not, Duncan, it tolls - To call thee to heaven or hell. - Or if you to heaven won't fly, - But rather prefer Pluto's ether, - Only wait a few years till I die, - And we'll go to the devil together, - Ri fol de rol, &c. - - - - -CASE NO. II. - - -THE STRANGER. - - Who has e'er been at Drury must needs know the Stranger, - A wailing old Methodist, gloomy and wan, - A husband suspicious, his wife acted Ranger, - She took to her heels, and left poor Hypochon. - Her martial gallant swore that truth was a libel, - That marriage was thraldom, elopement no sin; - Quoth she, "I remember the words of my Bible, - My spouse is a Stranger, and I'll take him in." - With my sentimentalibus lachrymae roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see; - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - To keep up her dignity, no longer rich enough, - Where was her plate? why 'twas laid on the shelf. - Her land fuller's earth, and her great riches kitchen stuff, - Dressing the dinner instead of herself. - No longer permitted in diamonds to sparkle, - Now plain Mrs. Haller, of servants the dread, - With a heart full of grief and a pan full of charcoal, - She lighted the company up to their bed. - - Incensed at her flight, her poor hubby in dudgeon - Roam'd after his rib in a gig and a pout, - Till, tired with his journey, the peevish curmudgeon, - Sat down and blubber'd just like a church spout. - One day on a bench as dejected and sad he laid, - Hearing a squash, he cried, "Hullo, what's that?" - 'Twas a child of the Count's, in whose service lived Adelaide, - Soused in the river and squalled like a cat. - - Having drawn his young excellence up to the bank, it - Appear'd that himself was all dripping, I swear, - No wonder he soon became dry as a blanket, - Exposed as he was to the Count's _son_ and _heir_. - "Dear sir," quoth the Count, "in reward of your valour, - To show that my gratitude is not mere talk, - You shall eat a beefsteak which my cook, Mrs. Haller, - Cut from the rump with her own knife and fork." - - Behold, now the Count gave the Stranger a dinner, - With gunpowder tea, which you know brings a ball, - And, thin as he was, that he might not grow thinner, - He made of the Stranger no stranger at all; - At dinner fair Adelaide brought up a chicken, - A bird that she never had met with before, - But, seeing him, scream'd, and was carried off, kicking, - And he bang'd his nob 'gainst the opposite door. - - To finish my tale without roundaboutation, - Young master and missee besieged their papa, - They sung a quartetto in grand blubberation; - The Stranger cried "Oh!" Mrs. Haller cried "Ah!" - Though pathos and sentiment largely are dealt in, - I have no good moral to give in exchange, - For though she as a cook might be given to melting, - The Stranger's behaviour was certainly strange, - With his sentimentalibus lachrymae roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see, - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - - - -CASE NO. III. - - -GEORGE BARNWELL. - - George Barnwell stood at the shop door, - A customer hoping to find, sir; - His apron was hanging before, - But the tail of his coat was behind, sir. - A lady so painted and smart, - Cried, "Sir, I've exhausted my stock o' late, - I've got nothing left but a groat, - Could you give me four penn'orth of chocolate? - Rum ti, &c. - - Her face was rouged up to the eyes, - Which made her look prouder and prouder, - His hair stood on end with surprise, - And hers with pomatum and powder. - The business was soon understood; - The lady, who wish'd to be more rich, - Cries, "Sweet sir, my name is Milwood, - And I lodge at the Gunner's, in Shoreditch." - Rum ti, &c. - - Now nightly he stole out, good lack, - And into her lodging would pop, sir, - And often forgot to come back, - Leaving master to shut up the shop, sir, - Her beauty his wits did bereave; - Determin'd to be quite the crack O, - He lounged at the Adam and Eve, - And call'd for his gin and tobacco. - Rum ti, &c. - - And now (for the truth must be told) - Though none of a 'prentice should speak ill, - He stole from the till all the gold, - And ate the lump sugar and treacle. - In vain did his master exclaim, - "Dear George, don't engage with that Dragon, - She'll lead you to sorrow and shame, - And leave you the devil a rag on - Your Rum ti," &c. - - In vain he entreats and implores - The weak and incurable ninny, - So kicks him at last out of doors, - And Georgy soon spends his last guinea. - His uncle, whose generous purse - Had often relieved him, as I know, - Now finding him grow worse and worse, - Refused to come down with the rhino. - Rum ti, &c. - - Cried Milwood, whose cruel heart's core, - Was so flinty that nothing could shock it, - "If ye mean to come here any more, - Pray come with more cash in your pocket. - Make nunky surrender his dibs, - Rub his pate with a pair of lead towels, - Or stick a knife into his ribs, - I'll warrant he'll then show some bowels." - Rum ti, &c. - - A pistol he got from his love, - 'Twas loaded with powder and bullet, - He trudged off to Camberwell Grove, - But wanted the courage to pull it. - "There's nunky as fat as a hog, - While I am as lean as a lizard; - Here's at you! you stingy old dog!" - And he whips a long knife in his gizzard. - Rum ti, &c. - - All you who attend to my song, - A terrible end of the farce shall see, - If you join the inquisitive throng - That followed poor George to the Marshalsea. - "If Milwood were here, dash my wigs!" - Quoth he, "I would pummel and lam her well! - Had I stuck to my prunes and my figs, - I ne'er had stuck nunky at Camberwell." - Rum ti, &c. - - Their bodies were never cut down, - For granny relates with amazement, - A witch bore 'em over the town - And hung them on Thorowgood's casement. - The neighbours, I've heard the folks say, - The miracle noisily brag on, - And the shop is to this very day, - The sign of the George and the Dragon. - Rum ti, &c. - - - - -PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS. - -BY T. H. - - Rhymes the rudders are of verses, - With which, like ships, they steer their courses.--HUDIBRAS. - - _Scene draws, and discovers_ PUNCH _on a throne surrounded by_ - LEAR, LADY MACBETH, MACBETH, OTHELLO, GEORGE BARNWELL, HAMLET, - GHOST, MACHEATH, JULIET, FRIAR, APOTHECARY, ROMEO, _and_ - FALSTAFF.--PUNCH _descends, and addresses them in the following_ - - -RECITATIVE. - - As manager of horses Mr. Merryman is, - So I with you am master of the ceremonies,-- - These grand rejoicings, let me see, how name ye 'em? - Oh, in Greek lingo 'tis E--pi--thalamium. - October's tenth it is, toss up each hat to-day, - And celebrate with shouts our opening Saturday. - On this great night 'tis settled by our manager, - That we, to please great Johnny Bull, should plan a jeer, - Dance a bang-up theatrical cotillon, - And put on tuneful Pegasus a pillion; - That every soul, whether or not a cough he has, - May kick like Harlequin, and sing like Orpheus. - So come, ye pupils of Sir John Gallini, - Spin up a teetotum like Angiollini; - That John and Mrs. Bull from ale and teahouses, - May shout huzza for Punch's Apotheosis! - [_They dance and sing._ - - -AIR--"_Sure such a day._"--TOM THUMB. - - _Lear._ Dance, Regan, dance with Cordelia and Goneril, - Down the middle, up again, poussette, and cross; - Stop Cordelia, do not tread upon her heel, - Regan feeds on coltsfoot, and kicks like a horse. - See, she twists her mutton fists like Molyneux or Beelzebub, - And t'other's clack, who pats her back, is louder far than Hell's - hubbub. - They tweak my nose, and round it goes, I fear they'll break the ridge - of it. - Or leave it all just like Vauxhall, with only half the bridge of it. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Lady Macbeth._ I kill'd the King, my husband is a heavy dunce, - He left the grooms unmassacred, then massacred the stud, - One loves long gloves, for mittens, like King's evidence, - Let truth with the fingers out, and won't hide blood. - - _Macbeth._ When spooneys on two knees implore the aid of sorcery. - To suit their wicked purposes they quickly put the laws awry, - With Adam I in wife may vie, for none could tell the use of her, - Except to cheapen golden pippins hawk'd about by Lucifer. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Othello._ Wife, come to life, forgive what your black lover did, - Spit the feathers from your mouth and munch roast beef; - Iago he may go and be toss'd in the coverlid, - That smother'd you because you pawn'd my handkerchief. - - _Geo. Barnwell._ Why, neger, so eager about your rib immaculate? - Milwood shows for hanging us they've got an ugly knack o' late; - If on beauty stead of duty but one peeper bent he sees, - Satan waits with Dolly baits to hook in us apprentices. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Hamlet._ I'm Hamlet in camlet, my ap and perihelia, - The moon can fix which lunatics makes sharp or flat. - I stuck by ill-luck, enamour'd of Ophelia, - Old Polony like a sausage, and exclaim'd, "Rat! Rat!" - - _Ghost._ Let Gertrude sup the poisoned cup, no more I'll be an - actor in - Such sorry food, but drink home-brew'd of Whitbread's manufacturing. - - _Macheath._ I'll Polly it, and folly it, and dance it quite the - dandy O, - But as for tunes I have but one, and that is "Drops of Brandy O." - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Juliet._ I'm Juliet Capulet, who took a dose of hellebore, - A Hell-of-a-bore I found it to put on a pall. - - _Friar._ And I am the friar who so corpulent a belly bore. - - _Apothecary._ And that is why poor skinny I have none at all. - - _Romeo._ I'm the resurrection man of buried bodies amorous. - - _Falstaff._ I'm fagg'd to death, and out of breath, and am for - quiet clamorous, - For though my paunch is round and staunch, I ne'er begin to fill it - ere I - Feel that I have no stomach left for entertainment military. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! [_Exeunt dancing._ - - - - -ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE. - -(1825.) - - - - -ODE TO MR. GRAHAM. - -THE AERONAUT. - - Up with me!--up with me into the sky!-- - - WORDSWORTH--ON A LARK: - - -I. - - Dear Graham, whilst the busy crowd, - The vain, the wealthy, and the proud, - Their meaner flights pursue, - Let us cast off the foolish ties - That bind us to the earth, and rise - And take a bird's-eye view! - - -II. - - A few more whiffs of my cigar - And then, in Fancy's airy car, - Have with thee for the skies: - How oft this fragrant smoke upcurl'd - Hath borne me from this little world, - And all that in it lies! - - -III. - - Away!--away!--the bubble fills-- - Farewell to earth and all its hills!-- - We seem to cut the wind!-- - So high we mount, so swift we go, - The chimney-tops are far below, - The Eagle's left behind! - - -IV. - - Ah me! my brain begins to swim!-- - The world is growing rather dim; - The steeples and the trees-- - My wife is getting very small! - I cannot see my babe at all!-- - The Dollond, if you please!-- - - -V. - - Do, Graham, let me have a quiz, - Lord! what a Lilliput it is, - That little world of Mogg's!-- - Are those the London Docks?--that channel, - The mighty Thames?--a proper kennel - For that small Isle of Dogs! - - -VI. - - What is that seeming tea-urn there! - That fairy dome, St. Paul's!--I swear, - Wren must have been a wren!-- - And that small stripe?--it cannot be - The City Road!--Good lack? to see - The little ways of men! - - -VII. - - Little, indeed!--my eyeballs ache - To find a turnpike. I must take - Their tolls upon my trust!-- - And where is mortal labour gone? - Look, Graham, for a little stone - MacAdamized to dust! - - -VIII. - - Look at the horses!--less than flies!-- - Oh, what a waste it was of sighs - To wish to be a Mayor! - What is the honour?--none at all, - One's honour must be very small - For such a civic chair! - - -IX. - - And there's Guildhall!--'tis far aloof-- - Methinks, I fancy thro' the roof - Its little guardian Gogs, - Like penny dolls--a tiny show!-- - Well,--I must say they're ruled below. - By very little logs! - - -X. - - Oh! Graham, how the upper air - Alters the standards of compare; - One of our silken flags - Would cover London all about-- - Nay, then--let's even empty out - Another brace of bags! - - -XI. - - Now for a glass of bright champagne - Above the clouds!--Come, let us drain - A bumper as we go! - But hold!--for God's sake do not cant - The cork away--unless you want - To brain your friends below. - - -XII. - - Think! what a mob of little men - Are crawling just within our ken, - Like mites upon a cheese! - Pshaw!--how the foolish sight rebukes - Ambitious thoughts!--can there be _Dukes_ - Of _Gloster_ such as these! - - -XIII. - - Oh! what is glory?--what is fame? - Hark to the little mob's acclaim, - 'Tis nothing but a hum! - A few near gnats would trump as loud - As all the shouting of a crowd - That has so far to come! - - -XIV. - - Well--they are wise that choose the near, - A few small buzzards in the ear, - To organs ages hence!-- - Ah me, how distance touches all; - It makes the true look rather small, - But murders poor pretence. - - -XV. - - "The world recedes!--it disappears! - Heav'n open on my eyes--my ears - With buzzing noises ring!" - A fig for Southey's Laureate lore!-- - What's Rogers here?--who cares for Moore - That hears the angels sing! - - -XVI. - - A fig for earth, and all its minions!-- - We are above the world's opinions, - Graham! we'll have our own!-- - Look what a vantage height we've got!-- - Now----_do_ you think Sir Walter Scott - Is such a Great Unknown? - - -XVII. - - Speak up!--or hath he hid his name - To crawl thro' "subways" into fame, - Like Williams of Cornhill?-- - Speak up, my lad!--when men run small - We'll show what's little in them all, - Receive it how they will! - - -XVIII. - - Think now of Irving!--shall he preach - The princes down--shall he impeach - The potent and the rich, - Merely on ethic stilts,--and I - Not moralize at two miles high - The true didactic pitch! - - -XIX. - - Come:--what d'ye think of Jeffrey, sir? - Is Gifford such a Gulliver - In Lilliput's Review, - That like Colossus he should stride - Certain small brazen inches wide - For poets to pass through? - - -XX. - - Look down! the world is but a spot. - Now say--Is Blackwood's _low_ or not, - For all the Scottish tone? - It shall not weigh us here--not where - The sandy burden's lost in air-- - Our lading--where is't flown! - - -XXI. - - Now,--like you Croly's verse indeed-- - In heaven--where one cannot read - The "Warren" on a wall? - What think you here of that man's fame? - Tho' Jerdan magnified his name, - To me 'tis very small! - - -XXII. - - And, truly, is there such a spell - In those three letters, L. E. L., - To witch a world with song? - On clouds the Byron did not sit, - Yet dared on Shakespeare's head to spit, - And say the world was wrong! - - -XXIII. - - And shall not we? Let's think aloud! - Thus being couch'd upon a cloud, - Graham, we'll have our eyes! - We felt the great when we were less, - But we'll retort on littleness - Now we are in the skies. - - -XXIV. - - O Graham, Graham, how I blame - The bastard blush,--the petty shame, - That used to fret me quite,-- - The little sores I cover'd then, - No sores on earth, nor sorrows when - The world is out of sight! - - -XXV. - - _My_ name is Tims. I am the man - That North's unseen diminish'd clan - So scurvily abused! - I am the very P. A. Z. - The London's Lion's small pin's head - So often hath refused! - - -XXVI. - - Campbell--(you cannot see him here)-- - Hath scorn'd my _lays_:--do his appear - Such great eggs from the sky? - And Longman, and his lengthy Co. - Long, only, in a little Row, - Have thrust my poems by! - - -XXVII. - - What else?--I'm poor, and much beset - With petty duns--that is--in debt - Some grains of golden dust! - But only worth, above, is worth. - What's all the credit of the earth? - An inch of cloth on trust! - - -XXVIII. - - What's Rothschild here, that wealthy man! - Nay, worlds of wealth?--Oh, if you can - Spy out,--the _Golden Ball!_ - Sure as we rose, all money sank: - What's gold or silver now?--the Bank - Is gone--the 'Change and all! - - -XXIX. - - What's all the ground-rent of the globe?-- - Oh, Graham, it would worry Job - To hear its landlords prate! - But after this survey, I think - I'll ne'er be bullied more, nor shrink - From men of large estate! - - -XXX. - - And less, still less, will I submit - To poor mean acres' worth of wit-- - I that have Heaven's span-- - I that like Shakespeare's self may dream - Beyond the very clouds, and seem - An Universal Man! - - -XXXI. - - Oh, Graham, mark those gorgeous crowds! - Like birds of paradise the clouds - Are winging on the wind! - But what is grander than their range? - More lovely than their sunset change?-- - The free creative mind! - - -XXXII. - - Well! the Adults' School's in the air! - The greatest men are lesson'd there - As well as the lessee! - Oh could earth's Ellistons thus small - Behold the greatest stage of all, - How humbled they would be! - - -XXXIII. - - "Oh would some god the giftie gie 'em, - To see themselves as others see 'em," - 'Twould much abate their fuss! - If they could think that from the skies - They are as little in our eyes - As they can think of us! - - -XXXIV. - - Of us! are _we_ gone out of sight? - Lessen'd! diminish'd! vanish'd quite! - Lost to the tiny town! - Beyond the Eagle's ken--the grope - Of Dollond's longest telescope! - Graham! we're going down! - - -XXXV. - - Ah me! I've touch'd a string that opes - The airy valve!--the gas elopes-- - Down goes our bright balloon!-- - Farewell the skies! the clouds! I smell - The lower world! Graham, farewell, - Man of the silken moon! - - -XXXVI. - - The earth is close! the City nears-- - Like a burnt paper it appears, - Studded with tiny sparks! - Methinks I hear the distant rout - Of coaches rumbling all about-- - We're close above the Parks! - - -XXXVII. - - I hear the watchmen on their beats, - Hawking the hour about the streets. - Lord! what a cruel jar - It is upon the earth to light! - Well--there's the finish of our flight! - I've smoked my last cigar! - - - - -ODE TO MR. M'ADAM. - -Let us take to the road!--BEGGAR'S OPERA. - - -I. - - M'adam, hail! - Hail, Roadian! hail, Colossus! who dost stand - Striding ten thousand turnpikes on the land! - Oh, universal Leveller! all hail! - To thee, a good, yet stony-hearted man, - The kindest one, and yet the flintiest going-- - To thee--how much for thy commodious plan, - Lanark Reformer of the Ruts, is Owing! - The Bristol mail - Gliding o'er ways, hitherto deem'd invincible, - When carrying patriots now shall never fail - Those of the most "_unshaken_ public principle." - Hail to thee, Scott of Scots! - Thou northern light, amid those heavy men! - Foe to Stonehenge, yet friend to all beside, - Thou scatter'st flints and favours far and wide, - From palaces to cots; - Dispenser of coagulated good! - Distributor of granite and of food! - Long may thy fame its even path march on, - E'en when thy sons are dead! - Best benefactor! though thou giv'st a stone - To those who ask for bread! - - -II. - - Thy first great trial in this mighty town - Was, if I rightly recollect, upon - That gentle hill which goeth - Down from "the County" to the Palace gate, - And, like a river, thanks to thee, now floweth - Past the Old Horticultural Society,-- - The chemist Cobb's, the house of Howell and James, - Where ladies play high shawl and satin games-- - A little _Hell_ of lace! - And past the Athenaeum, made of late, - Severs a sweet variety - Of milliners and booksellers who grace - Waterloo Place, - Making division, the Muse fears and guesses, - 'Twixt Mr. Rivington's and Mr. Hessey's. - Thou stood'st thy trial, Mac! and shav'd the road - From Barber Beaumont's to the King's abode - So well, that paviours threw their rammers by, - Let down their tuck'd shirt-sleeves, and with a sigh - Prepar'd themselves, poor souls, to chip or die! - - -III. - - Next, from the palace to the prison, thou - Didst go, the highway's watchman, to thy beat,-- - Preventing though the _rattling_ in the street, - Yet kicking up a row, - Upon the stones--ah! truly watchman-like, - Encouraging thy victims all to strike, - To further thy own purpose, Adam, daily;-- - Thou hast smooth'd, alas, the path to the Old Bailey! - And to the stony bowers - Of Newgate, to encourage the approach, - By caravan or coach,-- - Hast strew'd the way with flints as soft as flowers. - - -IV. - - Who shall dispute thy name! - Insculpt in stone in every street, - We soon shall greet - Thy trodden down, yet all unconquer'd fame! - Where'er we take, even at this time, our way, - Nought see we, but mankind in open air, - Hammering thy fame, as Chantrey would not dare; - And with a patient care, - Chipping thy immortality all day! - Demosthenes, of old,--that rare old man,-- - Prophetically, _follow'd_, Mac! thy plan:-- - For he, we know - (History says so), - Put _pebbles_ in his mouth when he would speak - The _smoothest_ Greek! - - -V. - - It is "impossible, and cannot be," - But that thy genius hath, - Beside the turnpike, many another path - Trod, to arrive at popularity. - O'er Pegasus, perchance, thou hast thrown a thigh, - Nor ridden a roadster only;--mighty Mac! - And 'faith I'd swear, when on that winged hack, - Thou hast observ'd the highways in the sky! - Is the path up Parnassus rough and steep, - And "hard to climb," as Dr. B. would say? - Dost think it best for sons of song to keep - The noiseless _tenor_ of their way? (see Gray). - What line of road _should_ poets take to bring - Themselves unto those waters, lov'd the first!-- - Those waters which can wet a man to sing! - Which, like thy fame, "from _granite_ basins burst, - Leap into life, and, sparkling, woo the thirst?" - - -VI. - - That thou'rt a proser, even thy birthplace might - Vouchsafe;--and Mr. Cadell _may_, God wot, - Have paid thee many a pound for many a blot,-- - - - Cadell's a wayward wight! - Although no Walter, still thou art a Scot, - And I can throw, I think, a little light - Upon some works thou hast written for the town,-- - And publish'd, like a Lilliput Unknown! - "Highways and Byeways" is thy book, no doubt - (One whole edition's out), - And next, for it is fair - That Fame, - Seeing her children, should confess she had 'em;-- - "Some _Passages_ from the life of Adam Blair"-- - (Blair is a Scottish name), - What are they, but thy own good roads, M'Adam? - - -VII. - - O! indefatigable labourer - In the paths of men! when thou shalt die, 'twill be - A mark of thy surpassing industry, - That of the monument, which men shall rear - Over thy most inestimable bone, - Thou didst thy very self lay the first stone! - Of a right ancient line thou comest,--through - Each crook and turn we trace the unbroken clue, - Until we see thy sire before our eyes, - Rolling his gravel walks in Paradise! - But he, our great Mac Parent, err'd, and ne'er - Have our walks since been fair! - Yet Time, who, like the merchant, lives on 'Change, - For ever varying, through his varying range, - Time maketh all things even! - In this strange world, turning beneath high heaven! - He hath redeem'd the Adams, and contriv'd-- - (How are Time's wonders hiv'd!) - In pity to mankind, and to befriend 'em-- - (Time is above all praise) - That he, who first did make our evil ways, - Reborn in Scotland, should be first to mend 'em! - - - - -ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN. - -O breathe not his name!--MOORE. - - -I. - - Thou Great Unknown! - I do not mean Eternity nor Death, - That vast incog! - For I suppose thou hast a living breath, - Howbeit we know not from whose lung 'tis blown, - Thou man of fog! - Parent of many children--child of none! - Nobody's son! - Nobody's daughter--but a parent still! - Still but an ostrich parent of a batch - Of orphan eggs,--left to the world to hatch. - Superlative Nil! - A vox and nothing more,--yet not Vauxhall; - A head in papers, yet without a curl! - Not the Invisible Girl! - No hand--but a hand-writing on a wall-- - A popular nonentity, - Still call'd the same,--without identity! - A lark, heard out of sight,-- - A nothing shin'd upon,--invisibly bright, - "Dark with excess of light!" - Constable's literary John-a-nokes-- - The real Scottish wizard--to no which, - Nobody--in a niche; - Every one's hoax! - Maybe Sir Walter Scott-- - Perhaps not! - Why dost thou so conceal and puzzle curious folks? - - -II. - - Thou--whom the second-sighted never saw, - The Master Fiction of fictitious history! - Chief Nong tong paw! - No mister in the world--and yet all mystery! - The "tricksy spirit" of a Scotch Cock Lane-- - A _novel_ Junius puzzling the world's brain-- - A man of magic--yet no talisman! - A man of clair obscure--not him o' the moon! - A star--at noon. - A non-descriptus in a caravan, - A private--of no corps--a northern light - In a dark lantern,--Bogie in a crape-- - A figure--but no shape; - A vizor--and no knight; - The real abstract hero of the age; - The staple Stranger of the stage; - A Some One made in every man's presumption, - Frankenstein's monster--but instinct with gumption; - Another strange state captive in the north, - Constable-guarded in an iron mask-- - Still let me ask, - Hast thou no silver platter, - No door-plate, or no card--or some such matter, - To scrawl a name upon, and then cast forth? - - -III. - - Thou Scottish Barmecide, feeding the hunger - Of Curiosity with airy gammon? - Thou mystery-monger, - Dealing it out like middle cut of salmon, - That people buy and can't make head or tail of it - (Howbeit that puzzle never hurts the sale of it); - Thou chief of authors mystic and abstractical, - That lay their proper bodies on the shelf-- - Keeping thyself so truly to thyself, - Thou Zimmerman made practical! - Thou secret fountain of a Scottish style, - That, like the Nile, - Hideth its source wherever it is bred, - But still keeps disemboguing - (Not disembroguing) - Thro' such broad sandy mouths without a head! - Thou disembodied author--not yet dead,-- - The whole world's literary Absentee! - Ah! wherefore hast thou fled, - Thou learned Nemo--wise to a degree, - Anonymous LL.D.! - - -IV. - - Thou nameless captain of the nameless gang - That do--and inquests cannot say who did it! - Wert thou at Mrs. Donatty's death-pang? - Hast thou made gravy of Wear's watch--or hid it? - Hast thou a Blue Beard chamber? Heaven forbid it! - I should be very loth to see thee hang! - I hope thou hast an alibi well plann'd, - An innocent, altho' an ink-black hand. - Tho' thou hast newly turn'd thy private bolt on - The curiosity of all invaders-- - I hope thou art merely closeted with Colton, - Who knows a little of the _Holy Land_, - Writing thy next new novel--The Crusaders! - - -V. - - Perhaps thou wert even born - To be unknown. Perhaps hung, some foggy morn, - At Captain Coram's charitable wicket, - Penn'd to a ticket - That Fate had made illegible, foreseeing - The future great unmentionable being. - Perhaps thou hast ridden - A scholar poor on St. Augustine's back, - Like Chatterton, and found a dusty pack - Of Rowley novels in an old chest hidden; - A little hoard of clever simulation, - That took the town--and Constable has bidden - Some hundred pounds for a continuation-- - To keep and clothe thee in genteel starvation. - - -VI. - - I liked thy Waverley--first of thy breeding; - I like its modest "sixty years ago," - As if it was not meant for ages' reading. - I don't like Ivanhoe, - Tho' Dymoke does--it makes him think of clattering - In iron overalls before the king, - Secure from battering, to ladies flattering, - Tuning his challenge to the gauntlets' ring-- - Oh better far than all that anvil clang - It was to hear thee touch the famous string - Of Robin Hood's tough bow and make it twang, - Rousing him up, all verdant, with his clan, - Like Sagittarian Pan! - - -VII. - - I like Guy Mannering--but not that sham son - Of Brown. I like that literary Sampson, - Nine-tenths a Dyer, with a smack of Porson. - I like Dirk Hatteraick, that rough sea Orson - That slew the Gauger; - And Dandie Dinmont, like old Ursa Major; - And Merrilies, young Bertram's old defender, - That Scottish Witch of Endor, - That doom'd thy fame. She was the Witch, I take it, - To tell a great man's fortune--or to make it! - - -VIII. - - I like thy Antiquary. With his fit on, - He makes me think of Mr. Britton, - Who has--or had--within his garden wall, - A _miniature Stone Henge_, so very small - The sparrows find it difficult to sit on; - And Dousterswivel, like Poyais' M'Gregor; - And Edie Ochiltree, that old _Blue Beggar_, - Painted so cleverly, - I think thou surely knowest Mrs. Beverly! - I like thy Barber--him that fir'd the _Beacon_-- - But that's a tender subject now to speak on! - - -IX. - - I like long-arm'd Rob Roy. His very charms - Fashion'd him for renown! In sad sincerity, - The man that robs or writes must have long arms, - If he's to hand his deeds down to posterity! - Witness Miss Biffin's posthumous prosperity! - Her poor brown crumpled mummy (nothing more) - Bearing the name she bore, - A thing Time's tooth is tempted to destroy! - But Roys can never die--why else, in verity, - Is Paris echoing with "Vive le _Roy!_" - Ay, Rob shall live again, and deathless Di - Vernon, of course, shall often live again-- - Whilst there's a stone in Newgate, or a chain, - Who can pass by - Nor feel the Thief's in prison and at hand? - There be Old Bailey Jarveys on the stand! - - -X. - - I like thy Landlord's Tales!--I like that Idol - Of love and Lammermoor--the blue-eyed maid - That led to church the mounted cavalcade, - And then pull'd up with such a bloody bridal! - Throwing equestrian Hymen on his haunches-- - I like the family--not silver, branches - That hold the tapers - To light the serious legend of Montrose. - I like M'Aulay's second-sighted vapours, - As if he could not walk or talk alone. - Without the devil--or the Great Unknown-- - Dalgetty is the dearest of Ducrows! - - -XI. - - I like St. Leonard's Lily--drench'd with dew! - I like thy Vision of the Covenanters, - That bloody-minded Graham shot and slew. - I like the battle lost and won, - The hurly-burly's bravely done, - The warlike gallops and the warlike _cant_ers! - I like that girded chieftain of the ranters, - Ready to preach down heathens, or to grapple, - With one eye on his sword, - And one upon the Word-- - How _he_ would cram the Caledonian Chapel! - I like stern Claverhouse, though he doth dapple - His raven steed with blood of many a corse-- - I like dear Mrs. Headrigg, that unravels - Her texts of Scripture on a trotting horse-- - She is so like Rae Wilson when he travels! - - -XII. - - I like thy Kenilworth--but I'm not going - To take a Retrospective Re-Review - Of all thy dainty novels--merely showing - The old familiar faces of a few, - The question to renew, - How thou canst leave such deeds without a name, - Forego the unclaim'd dividends of fame, - Forego the smiles of literary houris-- - Mid Lothian's trump, and Fife's shrill note of praise, - And all the Carse of Gowrie's, - When thou might'st have thy statue in Cromarty-- - Or see thy image on Italian trays, - Betwixt Queen Caroline and Buonaparte, - Be painted by the Titian of R.A.'s, - Or vie in signboards with the Royal Guelph! - Perhaps have thy bust set cheek by jowl with Homer's, - Perhaps send out plaster proxies of thyself - To other Englands with Australian roamers-- - Mayhap, in literary Owhyhee - Displace the native wooden gods, or be - The China-Lar of a Canadian shelf! - - -XIII. - - It is not modesty that bids thee hide-- - She never wastes her blushes out of sight: - It is not to invite - The world's decision, for thy fame is tried,-- - And thy fair deeds are scatter'd far and wide, - Even royal heads are with thy readers reckon'd,-- - From men in trencher caps to trencher scholars - In crimson collars, - And learned serjeants in the forty-second! - Whither by land or sea art thou not beckon'd? - Mayhap exported from the Frith of Forth, - Defying distance and its dim control; - Perhaps read about Stromness, and reckon'd worth - A brace of Miltons for capacious soul-- - Perhaps studied in the whalers, further north, - And set above ten Shakespeares near the pole! - - -XIV. - - Oh, when thou writest by Aladdin's lamp, - With such a giant genius at command, - For ever at thy stamp, - To fill thy treasury from Fairy Land, - When haply thou might'st ask the pearly hand - Of some great British Vizier's eldest daughter, - Tho' princes sought her, - And lead her in procession hymeneal, - Oh, why dost thou remain a Beau Ideal! - Why stay, a ghost, on the Lethean wharf, - Envelop'd in Scotch mist and gloomy fogs? - Why, but because thou art some puny dwarf, - Some hopeless imp, like Riquet with the Tuft, - Fearing, for all thy wit, to be rebuff'd, - Or bullied by our great reviewing Gogs? - - -XV. - - What in this masquing age - Maketh Unknowns so many and so shy? - What but the critic's page? - One hath a cast, he hides from the world's eye, - Another hath a wen--he won't show where; - A third has sandy hair, - A hunch upon his back, or legs awry, - Things for a vile reviewer to espy! - Another hath a mangel-wurzel nose-- - Finally, this is dimpled, - Like a pale crumpet face, or that is pimpled; - Things for a monthly critic to expose-- - Nay, what is thy own case--that being small, - Thou choosest to be nobody at all! - - -XVI. - - Well, thou art prudent, with such puny bones-- - E'en like Elshender, the mysterious elf, - That shadowy revelation of thyself-- - To build thee a small hut of haunted stones-- - For certainly the first pernicious man - That ever saw thee, would quickly draw thee - In some vile literary caravan-- - Shown for a shilling - Would be thy killing. - Think of Crachami's miserable span! - No tinier frame the tiny spark could dwell in - Than there it fell in-- - But when she felt herself a show, she tried - To shrink from the world's eye, poor dwarf! and died! - - -XVII. - - O since it was thy fortune to be born - A dwarf on some Scotch _Inch_, and then to flinch - From all the Gog-like jostle of great men. - Still with thy small crow pen - Amuse and charm thy lonely hours forlorn-- - Still Scottish story daintily adorn, - Be still a shade--and when this age is fled, - When we poor sons and daughters of reality - Are in our graves forgotten and quite dead, - And Time destroys our mottoes of morality, - The lithographic hand of Old Mortality - Shall still restore thy emblem on the stone, - A featureless death's head, - And rob Oblivion ev'n of the Unknown! - - - - -TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE, - -EDITOR OF THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE. - - Dost thou not suspect my years?-- - - MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. - - -I. - - Oh! Mr. Urban! never must _thou_ lurch - A sober age made serious drunk by thee; - Hop in thy pleasant way from church to church, - And nurse thy little bald Biography. - - -II. - - Oh, my Sylvanus! what a heart is thine! - And what a page attends thee! Long may I - Hang in demure confusion o'er each line - That asks thy little questions with a sigh! - - -III. - - Old tottering years have nodded to their falls, - Like pensioners that creep about and die; - But thou, Old Parr of periodicals, - Livest in monthly immortality! - - -IV. - - How sweet!--as Byron of _his_ infant said,-- - "Knowledge of objects" in thine eye to trace; - To see the mild no-meanings of thy head, - Taking a quiet nap upon thy face! - - -V. - - How dear through thy Obituary to roam, - And not a name of any name to catch! - To meet thy Criticism walking home - Averse from rows, and never calling "Watch!" - - -VI. - - Rich is thy page in soporific things,-- - Composing compositions,--lulling men,-- - Faded old posies of unburied rings,-- - Confessions dozing from an opiate pen:-- - - -VII. - - Lives of Right Reverends that have never liv'd,-- - Deaths of good people that have really died,-- - Parishioners,--hatch'd, husbanded, and wiv'd,-- - Bankrupts and Abbots breaking side by side! - - -VIII. - - The sacred query,--the remote response,-- - The march of serious mind, extremely slow,-- - The graver's cut at some right aged sconce, - Famous for nothing many years ago! - - -IX. - - B. asks of C. if Milton e'er did write - "Comus," obscured beneath some Ludlow lid;-- - And C., next month, an answer doth indite, - Informing B. that Mr. Milton did! - - -X. - - X. sends the portrait of a genuine flea, - Caught upon Martin Luther years agone; - And Mr. Parkes, of Shrewsbury, draws a bee, - Long dead, that gather'd honey for King John. - - -XI. - - There is no end of thee,--there is no end, - Sylvanus, of thy A, B, C, D-merits! - Thou dost, with alphabets, old walls attend, - And poke the letters into holes, like ferrets. - - -XII. - - Go on, Sylvanus!--Bear a wary eye, - The churches cannot yet be quite run out! - Some parishes must yet have been pass'd by,-- - There's Bullock-Smithy has a church no doubt! - - -XIII. - - Go on--and close the eyes of distant ages! - Nourish the names of the undoubted dead! - So epicures shall pick thy lobster-pages, - Heavy and lively, though but seldom _red_. - - -XIV. - - Go on! and thrive! Demurest of odd fellows! - Bottling up dulness in an ancient binn! - Still live! still prose!--continue still to tell us - Old truths! no strangers, though we take them in! - - - - -AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY. - - _Archer._ How many are there, Scrub? - _Scrub._ Five-and-forty, Sir.--BEAUX STRATAGEM. - - For shame--let the linen alone!--M. W. OF WINDSOR. - - - Mr. Scrub--Mr. Slop--or whoever you be! - The Cock of Steam Laundries,--the head Patentee - Of Associate Cleansers,--chief founder and prime - Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime-- - Co-partners and dealers, in linen's propriety-- - That make washing public--and wash in society-- - O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego, - For a moment, the music that bubbles below,-- - From your new Surrey Geisers[216] all foaming and hot,-- - That soft "_simmer's_ sang" so endear'd to the Scot-- - If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger-- - If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger, - Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub-- - O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub-- - And lend me your ear,--Let me modestly plead - For a race that your labours may soon supersede-- - For a race that, now washing no living affords-- - Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards, - Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease, - Not with bread in the funds--or investments of cheese-- - But to droop like sad willows that liv'd by a stream, - Which the sun has suck'd up into vapour and steam. - Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge - Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge; - When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins, - She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens, - And beginneth her toil while the morn is still grey, - As if she was washing the night into day-- - Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora - Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her; - Not Venus that rose from the billow so early, - Look'd down on the foam with a forehead more _pearly_[217]-- - Her head is involv'd in an aerial mist, - And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist; - Her visage glows warm with the ardour of duty; - She's Industry's moral--she's all moral beauty! - Growing brighter and brighter at every rub-- - Would any man ruin her? No, Mr. Scrub! - No man that is manly would work her mishap-- - No man that is manly would covet her cap-- - Nor her apron--her hose--nor her gown made of stuff-- - Nor her gin, nor her tea, nor her wet pinch of snuff! - Alas! so _she_ thought, but that slippery hope - Has betrayed her, as tho' she had trod on her soap! - And she--whose support, like the fishes that fly, - Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky; - She whose living it was, and a part of her fare, - To be damp'd once a day, like the great white sea bear, - With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop-- - Quite a living absorbent that revell'd in slop-- - She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand, - And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land! - - Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands, - Instead of a counterpane, wringing her hands! - All haggard and pinch'd, going down in life's vale, - With no faggot for burning, like Allan-a-dale! - No smoke from her flue--and no steam from her pane, - Where once she watch'd heaven, fearing God and the rain-- - Or gaz'd o'er her bleach-field so fairly engross'd, - Till the lines wander'd idle from pillar to post! - Ah, where are the playful young pinners--ah, where - The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air-- - The brisk waltzing stockings--the white and the black, - That danc'd on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack-- - The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn'd, - That blew into shape, and embodied the wind! - There was white on the grass--there was white on the spray-- - Her garden--it look'd like a garden of May! - But now all is dark--not a shirt's on a shrub-- - You've ruin'd her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub! - You've ruin'd her custom--now families drop her-- - From her silver reduc'd--nay, reduc'd from her _copper_! - The last of her washing is done at her eye, - One poor little 'kerchief that never gets dry! - From mere lack of linen she can't lay a cloth, - And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth; - But her children come round her as victuals grow scant, - And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want-- - When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed, - And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead, - And even its pearlashes laid in the grave-- - Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave, - And the greatest of coopers, ev'n he that they dub - Sir Astley, can't bind up her heart or her tub,-- - Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub! - Need you wonder, when steam has depriv'd her of bread, - If she prays that the evil may visit _your_ head-- - Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee-- - If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city-- - In short, not to mention all plagues without number, - If she wishes you all in the _Wash_ at the Humber! - - Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair, - When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare-- - When the sum of her suds might be summ'd in a bowl, - And the rusty cold iron quite enter'd her soul-- - When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye - Had caught the "Cock Laundresses' Coach" going by, - Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather, - And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together, - In a lather of passion that froth'd as it rose, - Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose, - On her sheet--if a sheet were still left her--to write, - Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light-- - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 216: Geisers, the boiling springs in Iceland.] - -[Footnote 217: Query, _purly_?--Printer's Devil.] - - - - -LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE - -FROM BRIDGET JONES, - -TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE. - - - It's a shame, so it is,--men can't Let alone - Jobs as is Woman's right to do--and go about there Own-- - Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools - For washing to sit Up,--and push the Old Tubs from their stools! - But your just like the Raddicals,--for upsetting of the Sudds - When the world wagged well enuff--and Wommen washed your old - dirty duds, - I'm Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no stream Ingins, - that's Flat,-- - But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as tidy and gentlemanny for - all that-- - I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle - I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back - when I were little, - And they Said it went with Steem,--But that was a joke! - For I never see none come of it,--that's out of it--but only - sum Smoak-- - And for All your Power of Horses about your Ingins you never had - but Two - In my time to draw you About to Fairs--and curse you, you know - that's true! - And for All your fine Perspectuses,--howsomever you bewhich 'em, - Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum, - Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another - to Do-- - It aant as if a Bird'seye Hankicher can take a Bird'shigh view! - But Thats your lookout--I've not much to do with that--But pleas God - to hold up fine, - Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever - crosst the Line - Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place, - And Thats more than you Can--and Ill say it behind your face-- - But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,-- - As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak! - Thinks I, when I heard it--Well thear's a Pretty go! - That comes o' not marking of things, or washing out the marks, and - Huddling 'em up so! - Till Their friends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in - a Vault, - But may Hap you havint Larn'd to spel--and that ant your Fault. - Only you ought to leafe the Linnens to them as has larn'd,-- - For if it warnt for Washing,--and whare Bills is concarnd - What's the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Edication, - And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays--fit for any Cityation. - - Well, what I says is This--when every Kittle has its spout, - Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about! - To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind - For blowing up Boats with,--but not to hurt human kind - Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that's loaded with hot - water, - Thof a Sheriff might know Better, than make things for slaughter, - As if War warnt Cruel enuff--wherever it befalls, - Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing balls,-- - But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs - As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Stream rubbing Clubs, - For washing Dirt Cheap,--and eating other Peple's grubs! - Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea, - But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Bo-He! - They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!) - And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods, - When you and your Steam has ruined (G--d] forgive mee!) their lively - Hoods, - Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth! - And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth! - But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at-- - They won't do for Angell's--nor any Trade like That, - Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,--for that's all Bespoke,-- - For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk - Do their own of Themselves--even the bettermost of em--aye, and even - them of middling degrees-- - Why God help you Babby Linen ant Bread and Cheese! - Nor we can't go a hammering the roads into Dust, - But we must all go and be Bankers,--and that's what we must! - God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects, - When you nose you have suck'd us and hanged round our Mutherly necks, - And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing-- - You ant, curse you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing - In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers - And prettily jear'd At you great Horse God Meril things, ant you now - by you next door neighbours-- - Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up - No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp-- - And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round - They'll scruntch your Bones some day--I'll be bound - And no more nor be a gudgement,--for it cant come to good - To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,--nor not fit It should, - For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation, - Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation-- - And can't be dun without in any Country But a Hottinpot Nation. - Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs - And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs-- - But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nayther Bybills - or Good Tracks, - Or youd know better than Taking the Close off one's Backs-- - And let your neighbours oxin and Asses alone,-- - And every Thing thats hern,--and give every one their Hone! - - Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself, - And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf, - But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe - And pull off Your Pattins,--and leave the washing to we - That nose what's what--Or mark what I say, - Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day-- - When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all, - And Crist mass cum--and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall, - Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare - Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite in his Chare-- - Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to - wash (for you dont wash) but to stew - And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew - With a vast more like That,--and all along of Steam - Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam-- - But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good, - And I cant say I'm Sorry afore God if you shoud, - For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways - Without taking ourn,--aye, and Moor to your Prays - If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt, - But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt! - - Yourn with Anymocity, - - BRIDGET JONES. - - - - -ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE, - -THE GREAT LESSEE! - - _Rover._ Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the - greatest man living?--WILD OATS. - - -I. - - Oh! Great Lessee! Great Manager! Great Man! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! Immortal Pan - Of all the pipes that play in Drury Lane! - Macready's master! Westminster's high _Dane_! - As Galway Martin, in the House's walls, - Hamlet and Doctor Ireland justly calls! - Friend to the sweet and ever-smiling Spring! - Magician of the lamp and prompter's ring! - Drury's Aladdin! Whipper-in of Actors, - Kicker of rebel-preface-malefactors! - Glass-blowers' corrector! King of the cheque-taker! - At once Great Leamington and Winston-Maker! - Dramatic Bolter of plain Bunns and cakes! - In silken _hose_ the most reform'd of _Rakes_! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! lend me an ear! - (Poole is away, and Williams shall keep clear) - While I, in little slips of prose, not verse, - Thy splendid course, as pattern-work, rehearse! - - -II. - - Bright was thy youth--thy manhood brighter still-- - The greatest Romeo upon Holborn Hill-- - Lightest comedian of the pleasant day, - When Jordan threw her sunshine o'er a play! - But these, though happy, were but subject times, - And no man cares for bottom-steps that climbs-- - Far from my wish it is to stifle down - The hours that saw thee snatch the Surrey crown! - Tho' now thy hand a mightier sceptre wields, - Fair was thy reign in sweet St. George's Fields. - Dibdin was _Premier_--and a golden _age_ - For a short time enrich'd the subject stage. - Thou hadst, than other Kings, more peace-and-plenty; - Ours but one Bench could boast, but thou hadst twenty; - But the times changed--and Booth-acting no more - Drew Rulers' shillings to the gallery door. - Thou didst, with bag and baggage, wander thence, - Repentant, like thy neighbour Magdalens! - - -III. - - Next, the Olympic Games were tried, each feat - Practis'd, the most bewitching in Wych Street. - Charles had his royal ribaldry restor'd, - And in a downright neighbourhood drank and whor'd; - Rochester there in dirty ways again - Revell'd--and liv'd once more in Drury Lane: - But thou, R. W.! kept thy moral ways, - Pit-lecturing 'twixt the farces and the plays, - A lamplight Irving to the butcher boys - That soil'd the benches and that made a noise:-- - "YOU,--in the back!--can scarcely hear a line! - Down from those benches--butchers--they are MINE!" - - -IV. - - Lastly--and thou wert built for it by nature!-- - Crown'd was thy head in Drury Lane Th_ea_tre! - Gentle George Robins saw that it was good, - And renters cluck'd around thee in a brood. - King thou wert made of Drury and of Kean! - Of many a lady and of many a Quean! - With Poole and Larpent was thy reign begun-- - But now thou turnest from the Dead and Dun, - Hook's in thine eye, to write thy plays, no doubt, - And Colman lives to cut the damnlet's out! - Oh, worthy of the house! the King's commission! - Isn't thy condition "a most bless'd condition?" - Thou reignest over Winston, Kean, and all - The very lofty and the very small-- - Showest the plumbless Bunn the way to kick-- - Keepest a Williams for thy veriest stick-- - Seest a Vestris in her sweetest moments, - Without the danger of newspaper comments-- - Tellest Macready, as none dared before, - Thine open mind from the half-open door!-- - (Alas! I fear he has left Melpomene's crown, - To be a Boniface in Buxton town!)-- - Thou hold'st the watch, as half-price people know, - And callest to them, to a moment, "Go!" - Teachest the sapient Sapio how to sing-- - Hangest a cat most oddly by the wing-- - Hast known the length of a Cubitt-foot--and kiss'd - The pearly whiteness of a Stephens' wrist-- - Kissing and pitying--tender and humane! - "By heaven she loves me! Oh, it is too plain!" - A sigh like this thy trembling passion slips, - Dimpling the warm Madeira at thy lips! - - -V. - - Go on, Lessee! Go on, and prosper well! - Fear not, though forty glass-blowers should rebel-- - Show them how thou hast long befriended them, - And teach Dubois _their_ treason to condemn! - Go on! addressing pits in prose and worse! - Be long, be slow, be anything but terse-- - Kiss to the gallery the hand that's glov'd-- - Make Bunn the Great, and Winston the Belov'd, - Go on--and but in this reverse the thing, - Walk backward with wax lights before the King-- - Go on! Spring ever in thine eye! Go on! - Hope's favourite child! ethereal Elliston! - - - - -ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE, - -M.P. FOR GALWAY. - - -I. - - How many sing of wars, - Of Greek and Trojan jars-- - The butcheries of men! - The Muse hath a "Perpetual Ruby Pen!" - Dabbling with heroes and the blood they spill; - But no one sings the man - That, like a pelican, - Nourishes Pity with his tender _Bill_! - - -II. - - Thou Wilberforce of hacks! - Of whites as well as blacks, - Piebald and dapple gray, - Chestnut and bay-- - No poet's eulogy thy name adorns! - But oxen, from the fens, - Sheep--in their pens, - Praise thee, and red cows with their winding horns! - Thou art sung on brutal pipes! - Drovers may curse thee, - Knackers asperse thee, - And sly M.P.'s bestow their cruel wipes; - But the old horse neighs thee, - And zebras praise thee, - Asses, I mean--that have as many stripes! - - -III. - - Hast thou not taught the drover to forbear, - In Smithfield's muddy, murderous, vile environ,-- - Staying his lifted bludgeon in the air! - Bullocks don't wear - _Oxide_ of iron! - The cruel Jarvy thou hast summon'd oft, - Enforcing mercy on the coarse Yahoo, - That thought his horse the _courser_ of the two-- - Whilst Swift smiled down aloft!-- - O worthy pair! for this, when ye inhabit - Bodies of birds--(if so the spirit shifts - From flesh to feather)--when the clown uplifts - His hand against the sparrow's nest, to _grab_ it,-- - He shall not harm the MARTINS and the _Swifts_! - - -IV. - - Ah! when Dean Swift was _quick_, how he enhanc'd - The horse!--and humbled biped man like Plato! - But now he's dead, the charger is mischanc'd-- - Gone backward in the world--and not advanc'd,-- - Remember Cato! - Swift was the horse's champion--not the King's, - Whom Southey sings, - Mounted on Pegasus--would he were thrown! - He'll wear that ancient hackney to the bone, - Like a mere clothes-horse airing royal things! - Ah well-a-day! the ancients did not use - Their steeds so cruelly!--let it debar men - From wanton rowelling and whip's abuse-- - Look at the ancients' _Muse_! - Look at their _Carmen_! - - -V. - - O, Martin! how thine eye-- - That one would think had put aside its lashes,-- - That can't bear gashes - Thro' any horse's side, must ache to spy - That horrid window fronting Fetter Lane,-- - For there's a nag the crows have pick'd for victual, - Or some man painted in a bloody vein-- - Gods! is there no _Horse-spital_! - That such raw shows must sicken the humane! - Sure Mr. Whittle - Loves thee but little, - To let that poor horse linger in his _pane_! - - -VI. - - O build a Brookes's Theatre for horses! - O wipe away the national reproach-- - And find a decent Vulture for their corses! - And in thy funeral track - Four sorry steeds shall follow in each coach! - Steeds that confess "the luxury of _wo_!" - True mourning steeds, in no extempore black, - And many a wretched hack - Shall sorrow for thee,--sore with kick and blow - And bloody gash--it is the Indian knack-- - (Save that the savage is his own tormentor)-- - Banting shall weep too in his sable scarf-- - The biped woe the quadruped shall enter, - And Man and Horse go half and half, - As if their grief's met in a common _Centaur_! - - - - -ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D. - -_Author of the Cook's Oracle--Observations on Vocal Music--the Art of -Invigorating and Prolonging Life--Practical Observations on Telescopes, -Opera Glasses, and Spectacles--the Housekeeper's Ledger--and the Pleasure -of Making a Will._ - - I rule the roast, as Milton says!--CALEB QUOTEM. - - -I. - - Hail! multifarious man! - Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton! - Born to enlighten - The laws of optics, peptics, music, cooking-- - Master of the piano--and the pan-- - As busy with the kitchen as the skies! - Now looking - At some rich stew thro' Galileo's eyes, - Or boiling eggs--timed to a metronome-- - As much at home - In spectacles as in mere isinglass-- - In the art of frying brown--as a digression - On music and poetical expression,-- - Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas! - Could tell Calliope from "Calliopee!" - How few there be - Could leave the lowest for the highest stories, - (Observatories,) - And turn, like thee, Diana's calculator, - However _cook's_ synonymous with _Kater_![218] - Alas! still let me say, - How few could lay - The carving-knife beside the tuning-fork, - Like the proverbial _Jack_ ready for any work! - - -II. - - Oh, to behold thy features in thy book! - Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate, - How it would look! - With one rais'd eye watching the dial's date, - And one upon the roast, gently cast down-- - Thy chops--done nicely brown-- - The garnish'd brow--with "a few leaves of bay"-- - The hair--"done Wiggy's way!" - And still one studious finger near thy brains, - As if thou wert just come - From editing some - New soup--or hashing Dibdin's cold remains! - Or, Orpheus-like--fresh from thy dying strains - Of music--Epping luxuries of sound, - As Milton says, "in many a bout - Of linked sweetness long drawn out," - Whilst all thy tame stuff'd leopards listen'd round! - - -III. - - Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal, - Standing like Fortune,--on the jack--thy wheel. - (Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes, - Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!) - Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges, - As tho' it were the same to sing or fry-- - Nay, so it is--hear how Miss Paton's throat - Makes "fritters" of a note! - And is not reading near akin to feeding, - Or why should Oxford sausages be fit - Receptacles for wit? - Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart, - Minc'd brains into a tart? - Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts, - Book-treats, - Equally to instruct the cook and cram her-- - Receipts to be devour'd, as well as read, - The culinary art in gingerbread-- - The Kitchen's _Eaten_ Grammar! - - -IV. - - Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page-- - Ay, very pleasant in its chatty vein-- - So--in a kitchen--would have talk'd Montaigne, - That merry Gascon--humorist, and sage! - Let slender minds with single themes engage, - Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,-- - Or Lovelass upon Wills,--thou goest on - Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson! - Thy brain is like a rich kaleidoscope, - Stuff'd with a brilliant medley of odd bits, - And ever shifting on from change to change, - Saucepans--old songs--pills--spectacles--and spits! - Thy range is wider than a Rumford range! - Thy grasp a miracle!--till I recall - Th' indubitable cause of thy variety-- - Thou art, of course, th' epitome of all - That spying--frying--singing--mix'd Society - Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet - Welsh Rabbits--and thyself--in Warren Street! - - -V. - - Oh, hast thou still those conversazioni, - Where learned visitors discoursed--and fed? - There came Belzoni, - Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead-- - And gentle Poki--and that royal pair, - Of whom thou didst declare-- - "Thanks to the greatest _Cooke_ we ever read-- - They were--what _Sandwiches_ should be--half _bred_!" - There fam'd M'Adam from his manual toil - Relax'd--and freely own'd he took thy hints - On "making _broth_ with _flints_"-- - There Parry came, and show'd the polar oil - For melted butter--Coombe with his medullary - Notions about the _scullery_, - And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil-- - There witty Rogers came, that punning elf! - Who used to swear thy book - Would really look - A _Delphic_ "Oracle," if laid on _Delf_-- - There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss'd - His own--and thy own--"_Magazine_ of _Taste_"-- - There Wilberforce the Just - Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac'd - Thy sly advice to _poachers_ of black folks, - That "do not break their _yolks_,"-- - Which huff'd him home, in grave disgust and haste! - - -VI. - - There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore - Thy _patties_--thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore, - Who call'd thee _Kitchen Addison_--for why? - Thou givest rules for health and peptic pills, - Forms for made dishes, and receipts for wills, - "_Teaching us how to live and how to die!_" - There came thy cousin-cook, good Mrs. Fry-- - There Trench, the Thames projector, first brought on - His sine _Quay_ non,-- - There Martin would drop in on Monday eves, - Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath - 'Gainst cattle days and death,-- - Answer'd by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves, - Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager - For fighting on soup meagre-- - "And yet (as thou wouldst add) the French have seen - A Marshal _Tureen_!" - - -VII. - - Great was thy evening cluster!--often grac'd - With Dollond--Burgess--and Sir Humphry Davy! - 'Twas there M'Dermot first inclin'd to taste,-- - There Colburn learn'd the art of making paste - For puffs--and Accum analysed a gravy. - Colman, the cutter of Colman Street, 'tis said - Came there, and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head, - (His claim to letters)--Kater, too, the Moon's - Crony,--and Graham, lofty on balloons, - There Croly stalk'd with holy humour heated, - (Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed), - And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ, - And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons, - Madame Valbreque thrice honour'd thee, and came - With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,-- - And even Irving spar'd a night from fame, - And talk'd--till thou didst stop him in the middle, - To serve round _Tewah-diddle_![219] - - -VIII. - - Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye! - So let them:--thou thyself art still a _Host_! - Dibdin--Cornaro--Newton--Mrs. Fry! - Mrs. Glasse--Mr. Spec!--Lovelass--and Weber, - Mathews in Quotem--Moore's fire-worshipping Gheber-- - Thrice-worthy worthy! seem by thee engross'd! - Howbeit the peptic cook still rules the roast, - Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,-- - And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion! - Thou art, sans question, - The Corporation's love--its Doctor _Darling_! - Look at the civic palate--nay, the bed - Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying - "Illustrations of _Lying!"_ - Ninety square feet of down from heel to head - It measured, and I dread - Was haunted by a terrible night _Mare_, - A monstrous burthen on the corporation!-- - Look at the bill of fare, for one day's share, - Sea-turtles by the score--oxen by droves, - Geese, turkeys, by the flock--fishes and loaves - Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation - Was making up the huge man-mountain's ration! - - -IX. - - Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven - The squatting demon from great Garratt's breast-- - (His honour seems to rest!--) - And what is thy reward?--Hath London given - Thee public thanks for thy important service? - Alas! not even - The tokens it bestow'd on Howe and Jervis!-- - Yet could I speak as orators should speak - Before the worshipful the Common Council - (Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill), - Thou shouldst not miss thy freedom, for a week, - Richly engross'd on vellum:--Reason urges - That he who rules our cookery--that he - Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be - A _Citizen_, where sauce can make a _Burgess_! - - -THE END. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 218: Captain Kater, the Moon's Surveyor.] - -[Footnote 219: The Doctor's composition for a _nightcap_.] - - - - - PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. - LONDON AND EDINBURGH - - - - -ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES - -OF STANDARD AUTHORS, - -Without Abridgment, Crown 8vo, 2s. each, in cloth. - - - 1 The Wide, Wide World, by Miss Wetherell. - - 2 Melbourne House, by Miss Wetherell. - - 3 The Lamplighter, by Miss Cummins. - - 4 Stepping Heavenward, and Aunt Jane's Hero, by E. 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Knight, large type edition, with full-page - illustrations, vol. 1. - 94 ---- vol. 2. 95 ---- vol. 3. - 96 The Spectator, large type ed., vol. 1. - 97 ---- vol. 2. 98 ---- vol. 3. - 99 R. W. Emerson's Complete Works. - 100 Boswell's Life of Johnson and Tour to the Hebrides, vol. 1. - 101 ---- vol. 2. 102 ---- vol. 3. - 103 S. Knowles' Dramatic Works. - 104 Roscoe's (W.) Lorenzo de Medici. - 105 ---- (W.) Life of Leo X., vol. 1. - 106 ---- vol. 2. - 107 Berington's Literary History of the Middle Ages. - - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - | | - | Transcriber Notes: | - | | - | P.5: 'INTRODUTION' changed to 'INTRODUCTION'. | - | P.83. 'beesech' changed to 'beseech'. | - | P.103. 'quetions' changed to 'questions'. | - | P.111. 'Futnre' changed to 'future'. | - | P.145. 'acqaintance' changed to 'acquaintance'. | - | P.187. 'Queeen' changed to 'Queen'. | - | P.188. '-cophronio' changed to '-cophornio | - | P.281. 'surpise' changed to 'surprise'. | - | Fixed various punctuation. | - | The equals sign is used to surround =bold text=; | - | underscores to surround _italic text_. | - | | - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - -***** This file should be named 53606.txt or 53606.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/6/0/53606/ - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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