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diff --git a/old/old/53606.txt b/old/old/53606.txt deleted file mode 100644 index c56df6e..0000000 --- a/old/old/53606.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,18588 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: Burlesque Plays and Poems - -Author: Henry Morley - Geoffrey Chaucer - George Villiers - John Philips - Henry Fielding - -Release Date: November 26, 2016 [EBook #53606] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - - - - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - -Fifteen Volumes in an Oak Bookcase. - -[Illustration] - -Price One Guinea. - - * * * * * - -"Marvels of clear type and general neatness."--_Daily Telegraph._ - - * * * * * - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - -In Monthly Volumes, ONE SHILLING Each. - -_READY ON THE 25th OF EACH MONTH._ - -[Illustration: MORLEYS UNIVERSAL LIBRARY] - - -Ballantyne Press BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO., EDINBURGH CHANDOS STREET, -LONDON - - - - - -BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS - - - CHAUCER'S - _RIME OF THOPAS_. - - BEAUMONT & FLETCHER'S - _KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE_. - - GEORGE VILLIERS, DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM'S - _REHEARSAL_. - - JOHN PHILIPS'S - _SPLENDID SHILLING_. - - FIELDING'S - _TOM THUMB THE GREAT_. - - HENRY CAREY'S - _NAMBY PAMBY_ AND - _CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS_. - - CANNING, FRERE & ELLIS'S - _ROVERS_. - - W. B. RHODES'S - _BOMBASTES FURIOSO_. - - HORACE & JAMES SMITH'S - _REJECTED ADDRESSES_. - - AND SOME OF - THOMAS HOOD'S - _ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE_. - - - _WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY HENRY MORLEY_ - LL.D., PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH LITERATURE AT - UNIVERSITY COLLEGE, LONDON - - - LONDON - GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS - BROADWAY, LUDGATE HILL - NEW YORK: 9 LAFAYETTE PLACE - 1885 - - - - -MORLEY'S UNIVERSAL LIBRARY. - - -VOLUMES ALREADY PUBLISHED. - - _SHERIDAN'S PLAYS._ - _PLAYS FROM MOLIERE._ By English Dramatists. - _MARLOWE'S FAUSTUS & GOETHE'S FAUST._ - _CHRONICLE OF THE CID._ - _RABELAIS' GARGANTUA and the HEROIC DEEDS OF PANTAGRUEL._ - _THE PRINCE._ By MACHIAVELLI. - _BACON'S ESSAYS._ - _DEFOE'S JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEAR._ - _LOCKE ON CIVIL GOVERNMENT & FILMER'S "PATRIARCHA."_ - _SCOTT'S DEMONOLOGY and WITCHCRAFT._ - _DRYDEN'S VIRGIL._ - _BUTLER'S ANALOGY OF RELIGION._ - _HERRICK'S HESPERIDES._ - _COLERIDGE'S TABLE-TALK._ - _BOCCACCIO'S DECAMERON._ - _STERNE'S TRISTRAM SHANDY._ - _CHAPMAN'S HOMER'S ILIAD._ - _MEDIAEVAL TALES._ - _VOLTAIRE'S CANDIDE & JOHNSON'S RASSELAS._ - _PLAYS and POEMS by BEN JONSON._ - _LEVIATHAN._ By THOMAS HOBBES. - _HUDIBRAS._ By SAMUEL BUTLER. - _IDEAL COMMONWEALTHS._ - _CAVENDISH'S LIFE OF WOLSEY._ - _DON QUIXOTE._ IN TWO VOLUMES. - _BURLESQUE PLAYS and POEMS._ - - "Marvels of clear type and general neatness." - _Daily Telegraph._ - - - - -INTRODUCTION. - - -The word Burlesque came to us through the French from the Italian -"burlesco"; "burla" being mockery or raillery, and implying always an -object. Burlesque must, _burlarsi di uno_, mock at somebody or something, -and when intended to give pleasure it is nothing if not good-natured. -One etymologist associates the word with the old English "bourd," a -jest; the Gaelic "burd," he says, means mockery, and "buirleadh," is -language of ridicule. Yes, and "burrail" is the loud romping of children, -and "burrall" is weeping and wailing in a deep-toned howl. Another -etymologist takes the Italian "burla," waggery or banter, as diminutive -from the Latin "burra," which means a rough hair, but is used by Ausonius -in the sense of a jest. That etymology no doubt fits burlesque to a hair, -but, like Launce's sweetheart, it may have more hair than wit. - -The first burlesque in this volume--Chaucer's "Rime of Sir Thopas," -written towards the close of the fourteenth century--is a jest upon -long-winded story-tellers, who expatiate on insignificant detail; for -in his day there were many metrical romances written by the ancestors -of Mrs. Nickleby. Riding to Canterbury with the other pilgrims, Chaucer -good-humouredly takes to himself the part of the companion who jogs along -with even flow of words, luxuriating in all trivial detail until he -brings Sir Thopas face to face with an adventure, for he meets a giant -with three heads. But even then there is the adventure to be waited for. -The story-teller finds that he must trot his knight back home to fetch -his armour, and when he "is comen again to toune," it takes so many -words to get him his supper, get his armour on, and trot him out again, -that the inevitable end comes, with rude intrusion of some faint-hearted -lording who has not courage to listen until the point of the story can -be descried from afar. So the best of the old story-tellers, in a book -full of examples of tales told as they should be, burlesqued misuse of -his art, and the "Rime of Sir Thopas" became a warning buoy over the -shallows. "I cannot," said Sir Thomas Wyatt, in Henry VIII.'s reign, - - "say that Pan - Passeth Apollo in music manyfold; - Praise Sir Thopas for a noble tale, - And scorn the story that the Knighte told." - -The second burlesque in this volume, Beaumont and Fletcher's "Knight of -the Burning Pestle," written in eight days, appeared in 1611, six years -after the publication of the First Part, and four years earlier than -the Second Part, of Don Quixote. The first English translation of Don -Quixote (Shelton's) appeared in 1612. The Knight of the Burning Pestle -is, like Don Quixote, a burlesque upon the tasteless affectations of the -tales of chivalry. Francis Beaumont and John Fletcher worked together as -playwrights in the reign of James I. All their plays were produced during -that reign. Beaumont died in the same year as Shakespeare, having written -thirteen plays in fellowship with Fletcher. Forty more were written by -Fletcher alone, but the name of Beaumont is, by tradition of a loving -fellowship, associated with them all. "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" -is all the merrier for being the work of men who were themselves true -poets. It should be remembered that this play was written for a theatre -without scenery, in which gentlemen were allowed to hire stools on the -stage itself for a nearer view of the actors; and it is among this select -part of the audience that the citizen intrudes and the citizen's wife -is lifted up, when she cries, "Husband, shall I come up, husband?" "Ay, -cony; Ralph, help your mistress up this way; pray, gentlemen, make her a -little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife.... -Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin." - -The next burlesque in our collection is "The Rehearsal," which was -produced in 1671 to ridicule the extravagance of the "heroic" plays of -the Restoration. The founder of this school in England was Sir William -Davenant who was living and was Poet Laureate--and wearer of the bays, -therefore, was Bayes--when the jest was begun by George Villiers, Duke -of Buckingham, and other wits of the day. The jest was so long in hand -that, in 1668, when Davenant died, and Dryden succeeded him as Laureate, -the character of Bayes passed on to him. The plaster on the nose pointed -at Davenant, who had lost great part of his nose. The manner of speaking, -and the "hum and buzz," pointed at Dryden, who was also in 1671 the -great master of what was called heroic drama. Bold rhodomontade was, -on the stage, preferred to good sense at a time when the new French -criticism was enforcing above all things "good sense" upon poets, as a -reaction against the strained ingenuities that had come in under Italian -influence. Let us leave to Italy her paste brilliants, said Boileau, in -his _Art Poetique_, produced at the same time as "The Rehearsal," all -should tend to good sense. But Dryden in his plays (not in his other -poems) boldly translated Horace's _serbit humi tutus_, into - - "He who servilely creeps after sense - Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence." - -The particular excellence attained by flying out of sight of sense is -burlesqued in the Duke of Buckingham's "Rehearsal." - -John Philips, the delicate and gentle son of a vicar of Bampton, read -Milton with delight from his boyhood and knew Virgil almost by heart. At -college he wrote, for the edification of a comrade who did not know how -to keep a shilling in his pocket, "The Splendid Shilling," a poem first -published in 1705--which set forth, in Miltonic style applied to humblest -images, the comfort of possessing such a coin. The Miltonic grandeur of -tone John Philips happily caught from a long and loving study of the -English poet whom he reverenced above others, and "The Splendid Shilling" -has a special charm as a burlesque in which nobody is ridiculed. - -The burlesque poem called "Namby Pamby," of which the title has been -added to the English vocabulary, was written by Henry Carey, in ridicule -of the little rhymes inscribed to certain babies of distinguished -persons by Ambrose Philips, or, as he is translated into nursery -language, "Namby Pamby Pilli-pis." Ambrose Philips was a friend and -companion of Addison's, and a gentleman who prospered fairly in Whig -government circles. Pope's annoyance at the praise given to Ambrose -Philips's pastorals which appeared in the same Miscellany with his own, -and Addison's praise in the _Spectator_ of his friend's translation of -Racine's Andromache as "The Distrest Mother," have caused Ambrose Philips -to be better remembered in the history of literature than might otherwise -have been necessary. When he wrote no longer of - - "Mammy - Andromache and her lammy - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest." - -and took to nursery lyrics, he gave Henry Carey an opportunity of putting -a last touch to his monument for the instruction of posterity. The two -specimens here given of the original poems that suggested "Namby Pamby" -are addressed severally to two babes in the nursery of Daniel Pulteney, -Esq. Another of the babies who inspired him was an infant Carteret, -whose name Carey translated into "Tartaretta Tartaree." Some lines here -and there, seven in all, which are not the wittier for being coarse, -have been left out of "Namby Pamby." This burlesque was first published -in 1725 or 1726; my copy is of the fifth edition, dated 1726, and was -appended to "A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling; its Dignity, Antiquity, -and Excellence, with a Word upon Pudding, and many other Useful -Discoveries of great Benefit to the Publick. To which is added, Namby -Pamby, A Panegyric on the new Versification address'd to A---- P----, -Esq." - -Henry Fielding produced his "Tom Thumb" in 1730, and added the notes of -Scriblerus Secundus in 1731, following the example set by the Dunciad as -published in April 1729, with the "Prolegomena of Scriblerus and Notes -Variorum." Paul Whitehead added notes of a Scriblerus Tertius to his -"Gymnasiad" in 1744. Fielding was twenty-four years old when he added -to his "Tom Thumb" the notes that transmit to us lively examples of the -stilted language of the stage by which, as a gentleman's son left to his -own resources, he was then endeavouring to live. This was four years -before his marriage, and ten years before he revealed his transcendent -powers as a novelist. - -Henry Carey's "Chrononhotonthologos," three years later, in 1734, carried -on the war against pretentious dulness on the stage. The manner of -the great actors was, like the plays of their generation, pompous and -rhetorical, full of measured sound and fury signifying nothing. Garrick, -who made his first appearance as an actor in 1741, put an end to this. -"If the young fellow is right," said Quin, "We are all in the wrong;" -little suspecting that they really were all in the wrong. Henry Carey, -a musician by profession, played in the orchestra and also supplied the -stage with ballad and burlesque farces and operas. But also he wrote -"Namby Pamby." It was said of him that "he led a life free from reproach, -and hanged himself October 4th, 1743." - -"The Rovers, or the Double Arrangement," was a contribution to "The -Anti-Jacobin," by George Canning, and his friends George Ellis and John -Hookham Frere. Canning had established "The Anti-Jacobin," of which the -first number was published on the 20th of November, 1797. Its poetry, -generally levelled through witty burlesque at the false sentiment of the -day, was collected in 1801 into a handsome quarto. This includes "The -Rovers," which is a lively caricature of the sentimental German drama. -Goethe's "Stella," as read in the translation used by the caricaturists, -is not less comical than the caricature. I have a copy of the "Poetry -of the Anti-Jacobin," in which one of the original writers has, for the -friend to whom he gave the book, marked with his pen and ink details of -authorship. From this it appears that the description of the _dramatis -personae_ in "The Rovers" was by Frere, the Prologue by Canning and Ellis, -the opening scene by Frere as far as Rogero's famous song, which was by -Canning and Ellis. All that follows to the beginning of the fourth act -was by Canning, except that Frere wrote the scene in the second act on -the delivery of a newspaper to Beefington and Puddingfield. The fourth -act and the final stage directions were by Frere, except the Recitative -and Chorus of Conspirators. These were by George Ellis. - -"Bombastes Furioso," first produced in 1810, was by William Barnes -Rhodes, who had published a translation of Juvenal in 1801 and "Epigrams" -in 1803. He formed a considerable dramatic library, of which there was a -catalogue printed in 1825. - -Next comes in this collection the series of burlesques of the styles of -poets famous and popular in 1812, published in that year as "Rejected -Addresses," by Horace and James Smith. Of these brothers, sons of -an attorney, one was an attorney, the other a stockbroker, one aged -thirty-seven, the other thirty-three, when the book appeared which made -them famous, and of which the first edition is reprinted in this volume. -The book went through twenty-four editions. James Smith wrote no more, -but Horace to the last amused himself with literature. "Is it not odd," -Leigh Hunt wrote of him to Shelley, "that the only truly generous person -I ever knew, who had money to be generous with, was a stockbroker! And -he writes poetry too; he writes poetry, and pastoral dramas, and yet -knows how to make money, and does make it, and is still generous." The -Fitzgerald who is subject of the first burlesque used to recite his -laudatory poems at the annual dinners of the Literary Fund, and is the -same who was referred to in the opening lines of Byron's "English Bards -and Scotch Reviewers:" - - "Still must I hear?--shall hoarse Fitzgerald bawl - His creaking couplets in a tavern hall, - And I not sing." - -This Miscellany closes with some of the "Odes and Addresses to Great -People," with which Thomas Hood, at the age of twenty-six, first made his -mark as a wit. The little book from which these pieces are taken was the -joint work of himself and John Hamilton Reynolds, whose sister he had -married. It marks the rise of the pun in burlesque writing through Thomas -Hood, who, when dying of consumption, suggested for his epitaph, "Here -lies one who spat more blood and made more puns than any other man." - - H. M. - - _June, 1885._ - - - - -Burlesque Plays and Poems. - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - -PROLOGUE TO SIR THOPAS. - - - When said was this miracle, every man - As sober was, that wonder was to see, - Till that our host to japen he began, - And then at erst he looked upon me, - And saide thus: "What man art thou?" quod he. - Thou lookest, as thou wouldest find an hare, - For ever upon the ground I see thee stare. - - "Approche near, and look up merrily. - Now ware you, sirs, and let this man have place. - He in the waist is shapen as well as I: - This were a popet in an arm to embrace - For any woman, small and fair of face. - He seemeth elvish by his countenance, - For unto no wight doth he dalliance. - - "Say now somewhat, sin other folk han said; - Tell us a tale of mirth, and that anon." - "Hoste," quod I, "ne be not evil apaid, - For other tale certes, can I none, - But of a Rime I learned yore agone." - "Yea, that is good," quod he, "we shullen hear - Some dainty thing, me thinketh by thy cheere." - - - - -THE RIME OF SIR THOPAS. - - - Listeneth, lordings, in good entent, - And I wol tell you _verament_ - Of mirth and of solas, - All of a knight was fair and gent - In battle and in tournament, - His name was Sir Thopas. - - Yborn he was in far countree, - In Flanders, all beyond the sea, - At Popering in the place, - His father was a man full free, - And lord he was of that countree, - As it was Goddes grace. - - Sir Thopas was a doughty swain, - White was his face as paindemaine - His lippes red as rose. - His rudde is like scarlet in grain, - And I you tell in good certain - He had a seemly nose. - - His hair, his beard, was like saffroun, - That to his girdle raught adown, - His shoon of cordewaine; - Of Bruges were his hosen brown; - His robe was of ciclatoun, - That coste many a jane. - - He could hunt at the wilde dere, - And ride on hawking for the rivere - With grey goshawk on hand: - Thereto he was a good archere, - Of wrestling was there none his peer, - Where any ram should stand. - - Full many a maiden bright in bower - They mourned for him _par amour_, - When them were bet to slepe; - But he was chaste and no lechour, - And sweet as is the bramble flower, - That beareth the red hepe. - - And so it fell upon a day, - Forsooth, as I you tellen may, - Sir Thopas would out ride; - He worth upon his stede gray, - And in his hand a launcegay, - A long sword by his side. - - He pricketh through a fair forest, - Therein is many a wilde beast, - Yea bothe buck and hare, - And as he pricked North and Est, - I tell it you, him had almest - Betid a sorry care. - - There springen herbes great and smale, - The liquorice and the setewale, - And many a clove gilofre, - And nutemeg to put in ale, - Whether it be moist or stale, - Or for to lain in cofre. - - The birdes singen, it is no nay, - The sparhawk and the popingay, - That joy it was to hear, - The throstel cock made eke his lay, - The wode dove upon the spray - He sang full loud and clear. - - Sir Thopas fell in love-longing - All when he heard the throstel sing, - And pricked as he were wood; - His faire steed in his pricking - So swatte, that men might him wring, - His sides were all blood. - - Sir Thopas eke so weary was - For pricking on the softe gras, - So fierce was his courage, - That down he laid him in that place - To maken his stede som solace, - And gave him good forage. - - Ah, Seinte Mary, _benedicite_, - What aileth this love at me - To binde me so sore? - Me dreamed all this night parde, - An elf-queen shal my leman be, - And sleep under my gore. - - An elf-queen will I love ywis, - For in this world no woman is - Worthy to be my make - In town,-- - All other women I forsake, - And to an elf-queen I me take - By dale and eke by down. - - Into his saddle he clomb anon, - And pricked over stile and stone - An elf-queen for to espie, - Till he so long had ridden and gone, - That he found in a privee wone - The contree of Faerie. - - Wherein he soughte North and South, - And oft he spied with his mouth - In many a forest wild, - For in that contree n'as ther non, - That to him durst ride or gon, - Neither wife ne child. - - Till that there came a great geaunt, - His name was Sir Oliphaunt, - A perilous man of deed, - He saide, Childe by Termagaunt, - But if thou prick out of mine haunt, - Anon I slay thy stede - With mace. - Here is the Queen of Faerie, - With harp, and pipe, and symphonie, - Dwelling in this place. - - The Childe said, All so mote I thee, - To morrow wol I meten thee, - When I have min armour, - And yet I hope _par ma fay_, - That thou shalt with this launcegay - Abien it full soure; - Thy mawe - Shal I perce, if I may, - Or it be fully prime of the day, - For here thou shalt be slawe. - - Sir Thopas drew aback full fast; - This geaunt at him stones cast - Out of a fell staff sling: - But faire escaped Childe Thopas, - And all it was through Goddes grace, - And through his fair bearing. - - Yet listeneth, lordings, to my tale, - Merrier than the nightingale, - For now I will you roune, - How Sir Thopas with sides smale, - Pricking over hill and dale, - Is comen again to toune. - - His merry men commandeth he, - To maken him bothe game and glee, - For needes must he fight, - With a geaunt with heades three, - For paramour and jolitee - Of one that shone full bright. - - Do come, he said, my minestrales - And gestours for to tellen tales - Anon in mine arming, - Of romaunces that ben reales, - Of popes and of cardinales, - And eke of love-longing. - - They fet him first the swete wine, - And mead eke in a maseline, - And regal spicerie, - Of ginger-bread that was full fine, - And liquorice and eke cummine, - With sugar that is trie. - - He didde next his white lere - Of cloth of lake fine and clere - A breche and eke a sherte, - And next his shert an haketon, - And over that an habergeon, - For piercing of his herte. - - And over that a fine hauberk, - Was all ywrought of Jewes werk, - Full strong it was of plate, - And over that his cote-armoure, - As white as is the lily floure, - In which he would debate. - - His shield was all of gold so red, - And therein was a boares hed, - A carbuncle beside; - And there he swore on ale and bread - How that the geaunt shuld be dead, - Betide what so betide. - - His jambeux were of cuirbouly, - His swordes sheth of ivory, - His helm of latoun bright, - His saddle was of rewel bone, - His bridle as the sonne shone, - Or as the mone light. - - His spere was of fin cypress, - That bodeth war, and nothing peace, - The head full sharp yground. - His stede was all dapple gray, - It goeth an amble in the way - Full softely and round - In londe-- - Lo, Lordes mine, here is a fytte; - If ye wol ony more of it, - To tell it wol I fond. - - Now hold your mouth _pour charite_, - Bothe knight and lady free, - And herkeneth to my spell, - Of bataille and of chivalrie, - Of ladies love and druerie, - Anon I wol you tell. - - Men speken of romaunces of pris, - Of Hornchild, and of Ipotis, - Of Bevis, and Sir Guy, - Of Sir Libeux, and Pleindamour, - But Sir Thopas, he bears the flour - Of real chivalrie. - - His goode steed he all bestrode, - And forth upon his way he glode, - As sparkle out of brond; - Upon his crest he bare a tower, - And therein sticked a lily flower, - God shield his corps fro shond. - - And for he was a knight auntrous, - He n'olde slepen in none house, - But liggen in his hood, - His brighte helm was his wanger, - And by him baited his destrer - Of herbes fine and good. - - Himself drank water of the well, - As did the knight Sir Percivell - So worthy under weede, - Till on a day ---- ---- - - "No more of this for Goddes dignitee," - Quod oure hoste, "for thou makest me - So weary of thy veray lewednesse, - That all so wisly God my soule blesse, - Min eres aken of thy drafty speche. - Now swiche a rime the devil I beteche; - This may wel be rime dogerel," quod he. - "Why so?" quod I, "why wolt thou letten me - More of my tale than an other man, - Sin that it is the beste rime I can?" - "Thou dost nought elles but dispendest time. - Sir, at one word, thou shalt no longer rime." - - - - -THE - -KNIGHT OF THE BURNING PESTLE. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - THE PROLOGUE. - _Then a Citizen._ - _The Citizen's Wife, and_ RALPH, _her man, sitting below - amidst the spectators._ - _A rich Merchant._ - JASPER, _his apprentice._ - MASTER HUMPHREY, _a friend to the Merchant._ - LUCE, _the Merchant's daughter._ - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, JASPER'S _mother._ - MICHAEL, _a second son of_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - OLD MR. MERRY-THOUGHT. - _A Squire._ - _A Dwarf._ - _A Tapster._ - _A Boy that danceth and singeth._ - _An Host._ - _A Barber._ - _Two Knights._ - _A Captain._ - _A Sergeant._ - _Soldiers._ - - -_Enter_ PROLOGUE. - - From all that's near the court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. - -_Enter_ CITIZEN. - -_Cit._ Hold your peace, good-man boy. - -_Pro._ What do you mean, sir? - -_Cit._ That you have no good meaning: these seven years there hath -been plays at this house, I have observed it, you have still girds at -citizens; and now you call your play "The London Merchant." Down with -your title, boy, down with your title. - -_Pro._ Are you a member of the noble city? - -_Cit._ I am. - -_Pro._ And a freeman? - -_Cit._ Yea, and a grocer. - -_Pro._ So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the -city. - -_Cit._ No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the jacks, -what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? -Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with the legend of -Whittington, or the Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the -building of the Royal Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the -rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks? - -_Pro._ You seem to be an understanding man; what would you have us do, -sir? - -_Cit._ Why, present something notably in honour of the commons of the -city. - -_Pro._ Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat Drake, or the -repairing of Fleet privies? - -_Cit._ I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of -my own trade. - -_Pro._ Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, our play is -ready to begin now. - -_Cit._ 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall do -admirable things. - -_Pro._ What will you have him do? - -_Cit._ Marry I will have him---- - - _Wife._ Husband, husband! [WIFE _below._ - - _Ralph._ Peace, mistress. [RALPH _below._ - -_Wife._ Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant ye. Husband, -husband! - -_Cit._ What sayest thou, cony? - -_Wife._ Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill a lion -with a pestle. - -_Cit._ So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle. - -_Wife._ Husband, shall I come up, husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, gentlemen, -make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my -wife; I thank you, sir, so. - -_Wife._ By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, I'm a -stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as they say, before; -but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and my husband hath promised me -anytime this twelvemonth, to carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in -truth he did not; I pray you bear with me. - -_Cit._ Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin, -and let the grocer do rare things. - -_Pro._ But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one hath a part -already. - -_Wife._ Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; beshrew me -if I do not think he will go beyond them all. - -_Cit._ Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, gentlemen, -let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and necessaries, and by Gad, if -any of them all blow wind in the tail on him, I'll be hanged. - -_Wife._ I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll be -sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you sometimes at -our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: he will fetch you up -a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as feared I warrant -you, that we quake again. We fear our children with him, if they be never -so unruly, do but cry "Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be -as quiet as lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what thou -canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen will accept -of it. - -_Cit._ Do, Ralph, do. - - _Ralph._ By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap - To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon, - Or dive into the bottom of the sea, - Where never fathom line touched any ground, - And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell. - -_Cit._ How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you? - -_Wife._ Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband says, -"Musidorus," before the wardens of our company. - -_Cit._ Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker for a -wager. - -_Pro._ He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in. - -_Cit._ In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, if -thou lovest me. - -_Wife._ I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed. - -_Pro._ But what will you have it called? - -_Cit._ "The Grocer's Honour." - -_Pro._ Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were better. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be. - -_Cit._ Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down. - -_Pro._ I pray you do. - -_Cit._ What stately music have you? Have you shawns? - -_Pro._ Shawns? No. - -_Cit._ No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph plays a -stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at the charge of -them myself rather than we'll be without them. - -_Pro._ So you are like to be. - -_Cit._ Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the waits -of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that -will fetch them all o'er the water with a vengeance, as if they were mad. - -_Pro._ You shall have them; will you sit down, then? - -_Cit._ Ay, come, wife. - -_Wife._ Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst you for my -ease. - - _Pro._ From all that's near the Court, from all that's great - Within the compass of the city walls, - We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence - All private taxes, all immodest phrases, - Whatever may but show like vicious, - For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings, - But honest minds are pleased with honest things. - Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must - answer for't yourself. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you. - -_Wife._ I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ JASPER _his man_. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, I'll make you know you are my prentice, - And whom my charitable love redeem'd - Even from the fall of fortune; gave thee heat - And growth, to be what now thou art; new cast thee, - Adding the trust of all I have at home, - In foreign staples, or upon the sea, - To thy direction; tied the good opinions - Both of myself and friends to thy endeavours,-- - So fair were thy beginnings. But with these, - As I remember, you had never charge - To love your master's daughter, and even then, - When I had found a wealthy husband for her, - I take it, sir, you had not; but, however, - I'll break the neck of that commission, - And make you know you're but a merchant's factor. - - _Jasp._ Sir, I do lib'rally confess I'm yours, - Bound both by love and duty to your service: - In which my labour hath been all my profit. - I have not lost in bargain, nor delighted - To wear your honest gains upon my back, - Nor have I giv'n a pension to my blood, - Or lavishly in play consum'd your stock. - These, and the miseries that do attend them, - I dare with innocence proclaim are strangers - To all my temperate actions; for your daughter, - If there be any love to my deservings - Borne by her virtuous self, I cannot stop it: - Nor am I able to refrain her wishes. - She's private to herself, and best of knowledge - Whom she will make so happy as to sigh for. - Besides, I cannot think you mean to match her - Unto a fellow of so lame a presence, - One that hath little left of nature in him. - - _Merch._ 'Tis very well, sir, I can tell your wisdom - How all this shall be cured. - - _Jasp._ Your care becomes you. - - _Merch._ And thus it shall be, sir; I here discharge you - My house and service. Take your liberty, - And when I want a son I'll send for you. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ These be the fair rewards of them that love, - Oh you that live in freedom never prove - The travail of a mind led by desire. - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Why how now, friend, struck with my father's thunder? - - _Jasp._ Struck, and struck dead, unless the remedy - Be full of speed and virtue; I am now, - What I expected long, no more your father's. - - _Luce._ But mine. - - _Jasp._ But yours, and only yours I am, - That's all I have to keep me from the statute; - You dare be constant still? - - _Luce._ O fear me not. - In this I dare be better than a woman. - Nor shall his anger nor his offers move me, - Were they both equal to a prince's power. - - _Jasp._ You know my rival? - - _Luce._ Yes, and love him dearly, - E'en as I love an ague, or foul weather; - I prithee, Jasper, fear him not. - - _Jasp._ Oh no, - I do not mean to do him so much kindness. - But to our own desires: you know the plot - We both agreed on. - - _Luce._ Yes, and will perform - My part exactly. - - _Jasp._ I desire no more, - Farewell, and keep my heart, 'tis yours. - - _Luce._ I take it, - He must do miracles, makes me forsake it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Fie upon 'em, little infidels, what a matter's here now? Well, -I'll be hang'd for a half-penny, if there be not some abomination knavery -in this play; well, let 'em look to it, Ralph must come, and if there be -any tricks a-brewing---- - -_Wife._ Let 'em brew and bake too, husband, a God's name. Ralph will find -all out I warrant you, and they were older than they are. I pray, my -pretty youth, is Ralph ready? - -_Boy._ He will be presently. - -_Wife._ Now I pray you make my commendations unto him, and withal, carry -him this stick of liquorice; tell him his mistress sent it him, and bid -him bite a piece, 'twill open his pipes the better, say. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ MASTER HUMPHREY. - - _Merch._ Come, sir, she's yours, upon my faith she's yours, - You have my hand; for other idle lets, - Between your hopes and her, thus with a wind - They're scattered, and no more. My wanton prentice, - That like a bladder blew himself with love, - I have let out, and sent him to discover - New masters yet unknown. - - _Hum._ I thank you, sir, - Indeed I thank you, sir; and ere I stir, - It shall be known, however you do deem, - I am of gentle blood, and gentle seem. - - _Merch._ Oh, sir, I know it certain. - - _Hum._ Sir, my friend, - Although, as writers say, all things have end, - And that we call a pudding, hath his two, - Oh let it not seem strange, I pray to you, - If in this bloody simile, I put - My love, more endless than frail things or gut. - -_Wife._ Husband, I prithee, sweet lamb, tell me one thing, but tell me -truly. Stay, youths, I beseech you, till I question my husband. - -_Cit._ What is it, mouse? - -_Wife._ Sirrah, didst thou ever see a prettier child? how it behaves -itself, I warrant you: and speaks and looks, and perts up the head? I -pray you brother, with your favour, were you never one of Mr. Muncaster's -scholars? - -_Cit._ Chicken, I prithee heartily contain thyself, the childer are -pretty childer, but when Ralph comes, lamb! - -_Wife._ Ay, when Ralph comes, cony! Well, my youth, you may proceed. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, you know my love, and rest, I hope, - Assured of my consent; get but my daughter's, - And wed her when you please; you must be bold, - And clap in close unto her; come, I know - You've language good enough to win a wench. - -_Wife._ A toity tyrant, hath been an old stringer in his days, I warrant -him. - - _Hum._ I take your gentle offer, and withal - Yield love again for love reciprocal. - - _Mar._ What, Luce, within there? - -_Enter_ LUCE. - - _Luce._ Called you, sir? - - _Merch._ I did; - Give entertainment to this gentleman; - And see you be not froward: to her, sir, [_Exit._ - My presence will but be an eyesore to you. - - _Hum._ Fair mistress Luce, how do you, are you well? - Give me your hand, and then I pray you tell, - How doth your little sister, and your brother, - And whether you love me or any other? - - _Luce._ Sir, these are quickly answered. - - _Hum._ So they are, - Where women are not cruel; but how far - Is it now distant from the place we are in, - Unto that blessed place, your father's warren. - - _Luce._ What makes you think of that, sir? - - _Hum._ E'en that face, - For stealing rabbits whilome in that place, - God Cupid, or the keeper, I know not whether, - Unto my cost and charges brought you thither, - And there began---- - - _Luce._ Your game, sir. - - _Hum._ Let no game, - Or anything that tendeth to the same, - Be evermore remembered, thou fair killer, - For whom I sate me down and brake my tiller. - -_Wife._ There's a kind gentleman, I warrant you. When will you do as much -for me, George? - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, I'm sorry for your losses, - But as the proverb says, I cannot cry; - I would you had not seen me. - - _Hum._ So would I, - Unless you had more maw to do me good. - - _Luce._ Why, cannot this strange passion be withstood? - Send for a constable, and raise the town. - - _Hum._ Oh no, my valiant love will batter down - Millions of constables, and put to flight - E'en that great watch of Midsummer Day at night. - - _Luce._ Beshrew me, sir, 'twere good I yielded then, - Weak women cannot hope, where valiant men - Have no resistance. - - _Hum._ Yield then, I am full - Of pity, though I say it, and can pull - Out of my pocket thus a pair of gloves. - Look, Luce, look, the dog's tooth, nor the doves - Are not so white as these; and sweet they be, - And whipt about with silk, as you may see. - If you desire the price, shoot from your eye - A beam to this place, and you shall espy - F. S., which is to say, my sweetest honey, - They cost me three-and-twopence, and no money. - - _Luce._ Well, sir, I take them kindly, and I thank you; what - What would you more? - - _Hum._ Nothing. - - _Luce._ Why then, farewell. - - _Hum._ Nor so, nor so, for, lady, I must tell, - Before we part, for what we met together, - God grant me time, and patience, and fair weather. - - _Luce._ Speak and declare your mind in terms so brief. - - _Hum._ I shall; then first and foremost, for relief - I call to you, if that you can afford it, - I care not at what price, for on my word it - Shall be repaid again, although it cost me - More than I'll speak of now, for love hath tost me - In furious blanket like a tennis-ball, - And now I rise aloft, and now I fall. - - _Luce._ Alas, good gentleman, alas the day. - - _Hum._ I thank you heartily, and as I say, - Thus do I still continue without rest, - I' th' morning like a man, at night a beast, - Roaring and bellowing mine own disquiet, - That much I fear, forsaking of my diet, - Will bring me presently to that quandary, - I shall bid all adieu. - - _Luce._ Now, by St. Mary - That were great pity. - - _Hum._ So it were, beshrew me, - Then ease me, lusty Luce, and pity shew me. - - _Luce._ Why, sir, you know my will is nothing worth - Without my father's grant; get his consent, - And then you may with full assurance try me. - - _Hum._ The worshipful your sire will not deny me, - For I have ask'd him, and he hath replied, - Sweet Master Humphrey, Luce shall be thy bride. - - _Luce._ Sweet Master Humphrey, then I am content. - - _Hum._ And so am I, in truth. - - _Luce._ Yet take me with you. - There is another clause must be annext, - And this it is I swore, and will perform it, - No man shall ever joy me as his wife, - But he that stole me hence. If you dare venture, - I'm yours; you need not fear, my father loves you, - If not, farewell, for ever. - - _Hum._ Stay, nymph, stay, - I have a double gelding, coloured bay, - Sprung by his father from Barbarian kind, - Another for myself, though somewhat blind, - Yet true as trusty tree. - - _Luce._ I'm satisfied, - And so I give my hand; our course must lie - Through Waltham Forest, where I have a friend - Will entertain us; so farewell, Sir Humphrey, - And think upon your business. [_Exit_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Though I die, - I am resolv'd to venture life and limb, - For one so young, so fair, so kind, so trim. [_Exit_ HUM. - -_Wife._ By my faith and troth, George, and as I am virtuous, it is e'en -the kindest young man that ever trod on shoe-leather; well, go thy ways, -if thou hast her not, 'tis not thy fault i'faith. - -_Cit._ I prithee, mouse, be patient, a shall have her, or I'll make some -of 'em smoke for't. - -_Wife._ That's my good lamb, George; fie, this stinking tobacco kills me, -would there were none in England. Now I pray, gentlemen, what good does -this stinking tobacco do you? nothing; I warrant you make chimnies o' -your faces. Oh, husband, husband, now, now there's Ralph, there's Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, _like a grocer in his shop, with two prentices, reading -"Palmerin of England."_ - -_Cit._ Peace, fool, let Ralph alone; hark you, Ralph, do not strain -yourself too much at the first. Peace, begin, Ralph. - -_Ralph. Then Palmerin and Trineus, snatching their lances from their -dwarfs, and clasping their helmets, galloped amain after the giant, and -Palmerin having gotten a sight of him, came posting amain, saying, "Stay, -traitorous thief, for thou mayst not so carry away her that is worth the -greatest lord in the world;" and, with these words, gave him a blow on -the shoulder, that he struck him beside his elephant; and Trineus coming -to the knight that had Agricola behind him, set him soon beside his -horse, with his neck broken in the fall, so that the princess, getting -out of the throng, between joy and grief said, "All happy knight, the -mirror of all such as follow arms, now may I be well assured of the -love thou bearest me."_ I wonder why the kings do not raise an army of -fourteen or fifteen hundred thousand men, as big as the army that the -Prince of Portigo brought against Rosicler, and destroy these giants; -they do much hurt to wandering damsels that go in quest of their knights. - -_Wife._ Faith, husband, and Ralph says true, for they say the King of -Portugal cannot sit at his meat but the giants and the ettins will come -and snatch it from him. - -_Cit._ Hold thy tongue; on, Ralph. - -_Ralph._ And certainly those knights are much to be commended who, -neglecting their possessions, wander with a squire and a dwarf through -the deserts to relieve poor ladies. - -_Wife._ Ay, by my faith are they, Ralph, let 'em say what they will, they -are indeed; our knights neglect their possessions well enough, but they -do not the rest. - -_Ralph._ There are no such courteous and fair well-spoken knights in this -age; they will call one the son of a sea-cook that Palmerin of England -would have called fair sir; and one that Rosicler would have called right -beautiful damsel they will call old witch. - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn will they, Ralph; they have called me so an hundred -times about a scurvy pipe of tobacco. - -_Ralph._ But what brave spirit could be content to sit in his shop, -with a flapet of wood, and a blue apron before him, selling Methridatam -and Dragons' Water to visited houses, that might pursue feats of arms, -and through his noble achievements procure such a famous history to be -written of his heroic prowess? - -_Cit._ Well said, Ralph; some more of those words, Ralph. - -_Wife._ They go finely, by my troth. - -_Ralph._ Why should I not then pursue this course, both for the credit of -myself and our company? for amongst all the worthy books of achievements, -I do not call to mind that I yet read of a grocer errant: I will be the -said knight. Have you heard of any that hath wandered unfurnished of his -squire and dwarf? My elder prentice Tim shall be my trusty squire, and -little George my dwarf. Hence, my blue apron! Yet, in remembrance of my -former trade, upon my shield shall be portrayed a burning pestle, and I -will be called the Knight of the Burning Pestle. - -_Wife._ Nay, I dare swear thou wilt not forget thy old trade, thou wert -ever meek. Ralph! Tim! - -_Tim._ Anon. - -_Ralph._ My beloved squire, and George my dwarf, I charge you that from -henceforth you never call me by any other name but the Right courteous -and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle; and that you never call any -female by the name of a woman or wench, but fair lady, if she have her -desires; if not, distressed damsel; that you call all forests and heaths, -deserts; and all horses, palfreys. - -_Wife._ This is very fine: faith, do the gentlemen like Ralph, think you, -husband? - -_Cit._ Ay, I warrant thee, the players would give all the shoes in their -shop for him. - -_Ralph._ My beloved Squire Tim, stand out. Admit this were a desert, and -over it a knight errant pricking, and I should bid you inquire of his -intents, what would you say? - -_Tim._ Sir, my master sent me to know whither you are riding? - -_Ralph._ No, thus: Fair sir, the Right courteous and valiant Knight of -the Burning Pestle, commanded me to inquire upon what adventure you are -bound, whether to relieve some distressed damsel or otherwise. - -_Cit._ Dunder blockhead cannot remember. - -_Wife._ I'faith, and Ralph told him on't before; all the gentlemen heard -him; did he not, gentlemen, did not Ralph tell him on't? - -_George._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, here -is a distressed damsel to have a halfpenny-worth of pepper. - -_Wife._ That's a good boy, see, the little boy can hit it; by my troth -it's a fine child. - -_Ralph._ Relieve her with all courteous language; now shut up shop: no -more my prentice, but my trusty squire and dwarf, I must bespeak my -shield, and arming pestle. - -_Cit._ Go thy ways, Ralph, as I am a true man, thou art the best on 'em -all. - -_Wife._ Ralph! Ralph! - -_Ralph._ What say you, mistress? - -_Wife._ I prithee come again quickly, sweet Ralph. - - _Ralph._ By-and-by. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and his mother_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Mist. Mer._ Give thee my blessing? No, I'll never give thee my -blessing, I'll see thee hang'd first; it shall ne'er be said I gave -thee my blessing. Thou art thy father's own son, of the blood of the -Merry-thoughts; I may curse the time that e'er I knew thy father, he hath -spent all his own, and mine too, and when I tell him of it, he laughs and -dances and sings, and cries "A merry heart lives long-a." And thou art a -wast-thrift, and art run away from thy master, that lov'd thee well, and -art come to me, and I have laid up a little for my younger son Michael, -and thou thinkest to bezle that, but thou shalt never be able to do it. -Come hither, Michael, come Michael, down on thy knees, thou shalt have my -blessing. - -_Enter_ MICHAEL. - -_Mich._ I pray you, mother, pray to God to bless me. - -_Mist. Mer._ God bless thee; but Jasper shall never have my blessing, he -shall be hang'd first, shall he not, Michael? how sayest thou? - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, and grace of God. - -_Mist. Mer._ That's a good boy. - -_Wife._ I'faith, it's a fine spoken child. - - _Jasp._ Mother, though you forget a parent's love, - I must preserve the duty of a child. - I ran not from my master, nor return - To have your stock maintain my idleness. - -_Wife._ Ungracious child I warrant him, hark how he chops logic with his -mother; thou hadst best tell her she lies, do, tell her she lies. - -_Cit._ If he were my son, I would hang him up by the heels, and flea him, -and salt him, humpty halter-sack. - - _Jasp._ My coming only is to beg your love, - Which I must ever, though I never gain it; - And howsoever you esteem of me, - There is no drop of blood hid in these veins, - But I remember well belongs to you, - That brought me forth, and would be glad for you - To rip them all again, and let it out. - -_Mist. Mer._ I'faith I had sorrow enough for thee, God knows; but I'll -hamper thee well enough: get thee in, thou vagabond, get thee in, and -learn of thy brother Michael. - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Nose, nose, jolly red nose, - And who gave thee this jolly red nose?" - - _Mist. Mer._ Hark, my husband he's singing and hoiting, - And I'm fain to cark and care, and all little enough. - Husband, Charles, Charles Merry-thought! - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "Nutmegs and ginger, cinnamon and cloves, - And they gave me this jolly red nose." - -_Mist. Mer._ If you would consider your estate, you would have little -list to sing, I wis. - -_Old Mer._ It should never be considered, while it were an estate, if I -thought it would spoil my singing. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou do, Charles? Thou art an old man, and thou -canst not work, and thou hast not forty shillings left, and thou eatest -good meat, and drinkest good drink, and laughest? - -_Old Mer._ And will do. - -_Mist. Mer._ But how wilt thou come by it, Charles? - -_Old Mer._ How? Why how have I done hitherto these forty years? I never -came into my dining-room, but at eleven and six o'clock I found excellent -meat and drink o' th' table. My clothes were never worn out, but next -morning a tailor brought me a new suit, and without question it will be -so ever! Use makes perfectness; if all should fail, it is but a little -straining myself extraordinary, and laugh myself to death. - -_Wife._ It's a foolish old man this: is not he, George? - -_Cit._ Yes, honey. - -_Wife._ Give me a penny i' th' purse while I live, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, by'r lady, honey hold thee there. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, Charles, you promised to provide for Jasper, and I -have laid up for Michael. I pray you pay Jasper his portion, he's come -home, and he shall not consume Michael's stock; he says his master turned -him away, but I promise you truly, I think he ran away. - -_Wife._ No indeed, Mistress Merry-thought, though he be a notable -gallows, yet I'll assure you his master did turn him away, even in this -place, 'twas i'faith within this half-hour, about his daughter; my -husband was by. - -_Cit._ Hang him, rogue, he served him well enough: love his master's -daughter! By my troth, honey, if there were a thousand boys, thou wouldst -spoil them all, with taking their parts; let his mother alone with him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but yet truth is truth. - -_Old Mer._ Where is Jasper? He's welcome, however, call him in, he shall -have his portion; is he merry? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, foul chive him, he is too merry. Jasper! Michael! - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Old Mer._ Welcome, Jasper, though thou runn'st away, welcome! God bless -thee! It is thy mother's mind thou should'st receive thy portion; thou -hast been abroad, and I hope hast learnt experience enough to govern it. -Thou art of sufficient years. Hold thy hand: one, two, three, four, five, -six, seven, eight, nine, there is ten shillings for thee; thrust thyself -into the world with that, and take some settled course. If fortune -cross thee, thou hast a retiring place; come home to me, I have twenty -shillings left. Be a good husband, that is, wear ordinary clothes, eat -the best meat, and drink the best drink; be merry, and give to the poor, -and believe me, thou hast no end of thy goods. - - _Jasp._ Long may you live free from all thought of ill, - And long have cause to be thus merry still. - But, father? - -_Old Mer._ No more words, Jasper, get thee gone, thou hast my blessing, -thy father's spirit upon thee. Farewell, Jasper. - - "But yet, or e'er you part (oh cruel), - Kiss me, kiss me, sweeting, - Mine own dear jewel." - - So, now begone, no words. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Mist. Mer._ So, Michael, now get thee gone too. - -_Mich._ Yes forsooth, mother, but I'll have my father's blessing first. - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, 'tis no matter for his blessing; thou hast my -blessing. Begone; I'll fetch my money and jewels and follow thee: I'll -stay no longer with him I warrant thee. Truly, Charles, I'll be gone too. - -_Old Mer._ What? You will not. - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes indeed will I. - - _Old Mer._ "Heyho, farewell, Nan, - I'll never trust wench more again, if I can." - -_Mist. Mer._ You shall not think (when all your own is gone) to spend -that I have been scraping up for Michael. - -_Old Mer._ Farewell, good wife, I expect it not, all I have to do in this -world is to be merry; which I shall, if the ground be not taken from me; -and if it be, - - "When earth and seas from me are reft, - The skies aloft for me are left." [_Exeunt._ - [_Boy dances. Music._ - - _Finis Actus Primi._ - -_Wife._ I'll be sworn he's a merry old gentleman for all that. Hark, -hark, husband, hark, fiddles, fiddles; now surely they go finely. They -say 'tis present death for these fiddlers to tune their rebecks before -the great Turk's grace, is't not, George? But look, look, here's a youth -dances; now, good youth, do a turn o' the toe. Sweetheart, i'faith I'll -have Ralph come and do some of his gambols: he'll ride the wild mare, -gentlemen, 'twould do your hearts good to see him: I thank you, kind -youth, pray bid Ralph come. - -_Cit._ Peace, conie. Sirrah, you scurvy boy, bid the players send Ralph, -or an' they do not I'll tear some of their periwigs beside their heads; -this is all riff-raff. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT _and_ HUMPHREY. - -_Merch._ And how faith? how goes it now, son Humphrey? - - _Hum._ Right worshipful and my beloved friend, - And father dear, this matter's at an end. - - _Merch._ 'Tis well, it should be so, I'm glad the girl - Is found so tractable. - - _Hum._ Nay, she must whirl - From hence (and you must wink: for so I say, - The story tells), to-morrow before day. - -_Wife._ George, dost thou think in thy conscience now 'twill be a -match? tell me but what thou thinkest, sweet rogue, thou seest the poor -gentleman (dear heart) how it labours and throbs I warrant you, to be at -rest: I'll go move the father for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I prithee sit still, honeysuckle, thou'lt spoil all; if -he deny him, I'll bring half a dozen good fellows myself, and in the -shutting of an evening knock it up, and there's an end. - -_Wife._ I'll buss thee for that i'faith, boy; well, George, well, you -have been a wag in your days I warrant you; but God forgive you, and I do -with all my heart. - -_Merch._ How was it, son? you told me that to-morrow before daybreak, you -must convey her hence. - - _Hum._ I must, I must, and thus it is agreed, - Your daughter rides upon a brown bay steed, - I on a sorrel, which I bought of Brian, - The honest host of the Red Roaring Lion, - In Waltham situate: then if you may, - Consent in seemly sort, lest by delay, - The fatal sisters come, and do the office, - And then you'll sing another song. - - _Merch._ Alas, - Why should you be thus full of grief to me, - That do as willing as yourself agree - To anything, so it be good and fair? - Then steal her when you will, if such a pleasure - Content you both, I'll sleep and never see it, - To make your joys more full: but tell me why - You may not here perform your marriage? - -_Wife._ God's blessing o' thy soul, old man, i'faith thou art loath to -part true hearts: I see a has her, George, and I'm glad on't; well, go -thy ways, Humphrey, for a fair-spoken man. I believe thou hast not a -fellow within the walls of London; an' I should say the suburbs too, I -should not lie. Why dost not thou rejoice with me, George? - -_Cit._ If I could but see Ralph again, I were as merry as mine host -i'faith. - - _Hum._ The cause you seem to ask, I thus declare; - Help me, O Muses nine: your daughter sware - A foolish oath, the more it was the pity: - Yet no one but myself within this city - Shall dare to say so, but a bold defiance - Shall meet him, were he of the noble science. - And yet she sware, and yet why did she swear? - Truly I cannot tell, unless it were - For her own ease; for sure sometimes an oath, - Being sworn thereafter, is like cordial broth: - And this it was she swore, never to marry, - But such a one whose mighty arm could carry - (As meaning me, for I am such a one) - Her bodily away through stick and stone, - Till both of us arrive, at her request, - Some ten miles off in the wide Waltham Forest. - - _Merch._ If this be all, you shall not need to fear - Any denial in your love; proceed, - I'll neither follow nor repent the deed. - - _Hum._ Good night, twenty good nights, and twenty more, - And twenty more good nights: that makes threescore. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and her son_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, art thou not weary, boy? - -_Mich._ No, forsooth, mother, not I. - -_Mist. Mer._ Where be we now, child? - -_Mich._ Indeed forsooth, mother, I cannot tell, unless we be at Mile End. -Is not all the world Mile End, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, not all the world, boy; but I can assure thee, -Michael, Mile End is a goodly matter. There has been a pitched field, my -child, between the naughty Spaniels and the Englishmen; and the Spaniels -ran away, Michael, and the Englishmen followed. My neighbour Coxstone was -there, boy, and killed them all with a birding-piece. - -_Mich._ Mother, forsooth. - -_Mist. Mer._ What says my white boy? - -_Mich._ Shall not my father go with us too? - -_Mist. Mer._ No, Michael, let thy father go snick-up, he shall never come -between a pair of sheets with me again while he lives: let him stay at -home and sing for his supper, boy. Come, child, sit down, and I'll show -my boy fine knacks indeed; look here, Michael, here's a ring, and here's -a brooch, and here's a bracelet, and here's two rings more, and here's -money, and gold by th' eye, my boy. - -_Mich._ Shall I have all this, mother? - -_Mist. Mer._ Ay, Michael, thou shalt have all, Michael. - -_Cit._ How lik'st thou this, wench? - -_Wife._ I cannot tell, I would have Ralph, George; I'll see no more else -indeed la: and I pray you let the youths understand so much by word of -mouth, for I will tell you truly, I'm afraid o' my boy. Come, come, -George, let's be merry and wise, the child's a fatherless child, and say -they should put him into a strait pair of gaskins, 'twere worse than -knot-grass, he would never grow after it. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Here's Ralph, here's Ralph. - -_Wife._ How do you, Ralph? You are welcome, Ralph, as I may say, it's a -good boy, hold up thy head, and be not afraid, we are thy friends, Ralph. -The gentlemen will praise thee, Ralph, if thou play'st thy part with -audacity; begin, Ralph a God's name. - -_Ralph._ My trusty squire, unlace my helm, give me my hat; where are we, -or what desert might this be? - -_Dwarf._ Mirror of knighthood, this is, as I take it, the perilous -Waltham down, in whose bottom stands the enchanted valley. - -_Mist. Mer._ Oh, Michael, we are betrayed, we are betrayed, here be -giants; fly, boy; fly, boy; fly! - - [_Exeunt_ MOTHER _and_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Lace on my helm again; what noise is this? - A gentle lady flying the embrace - Of some uncourteous knight: I will relieve her. - Go, squire, and say, the knight that wears this pestle - In honour of all ladies, swears revenge - Upon that recreant coward that pursues her; - Go, comfort her, and that same gentle squire - That bears her company. - - _Squire._ I go, brave knight. - - _Ralph._ My trusty dwarf and friend, reach me my shield, - And hold it while I swear, first by my knighthood, - Then by the soul of Amadis de Gaul, - My famous ancestor, then by my sword, - The beauteous Brionella girt about me, - By this bright burning pestle, of mine honour - The living trophy, and by all respect - Due to distressed damsels, here I vow - Never to end the quest of this fair lady, - And that forsaken squire, till by my valour - I gain their liberty. - - _Dwarf._ Heaven bless the knight - That thus relieves poor errant gentlewomen. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Ay marry, Ralph, this has some savour in it, I would see the -proudest of them all offer to carry his books after him. But, George, I -will not have him go away so soon, I shall be sick if he go away, that I -shall; call Ralph again, George, call Ralph again: I prithee, sweetheart, -let him come fight before me, and let's have some drums and trumpets, and -let him kill all that comes near him, an' thou lov'st me, George. - -_Cit._ Peace a little, bird, he shall kill them all, an' they were twenty -more on 'em than there are. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Now, Fortune (if thou be'st not only ill), - Show me thy better face, and bring about - Thy desperate wheel, that I may climb at length - And stand; this is our place of meeting, - If love have any constancy. Oh age - Where only wealthy men are counted happy: - How shall I please thee? how deserve thy smiles, - When I am only rich in misery? - My father's blessing, and this little coin - Is my inheritance. A strong revenue! - From earth thou art, and unto earth I give thee. - There grow and multiply, whilst fresher air - Breeds me a fresher fortune. How, illusion! [_Spies the casket._ - What, hath the devil coined himself before me? - 'Tis metal good, it rings well, I am waking, - And taking too I hope; now God's dear blessing - Upon his heart that left it here, 'tis mine; - These pearls, I take it, were not left for swine. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ I do not like this unthrifty youth should embezzle away the -money; the poor gentlewoman his mother will have a heavy heart for it, -God knows. - -_Cit._ And reason good, sweetheart. - -_Wife._ But let him go, I'll tell Ralph a tale in's ear, shall fetch him -again with a wanion, I warrant him, if he be above ground; and besides, -George, here be a number of sufficient gentlemen can witness, and myself, -and yourself, and the musicians, if we be called in question; but here -comes Ralph, George; thou shalt hear him speak, as he were an Emperal. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ Comes not Sir Squire again? - - _Dwarf._ Right courteous knight, - Your squire doth come, and with him comes the lady - Fair, and the squire of damsels, as I take it. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, _and_ SQUIRE. - - _Ralph._ Madam, if any service or devoir - Of a poor errant knight may right your wrongs, - Command it. I am prest to give you succour, - For to that holy end I bear my armour. - -_Mist. Mer._ Alas, sir, I am a poor gentlewoman, and I have lost my money -in this forest. - - _Ralph._ Desert, you would say, lady, and not lost - Whilst I have sword and lance; dry up your tears, - Which ill befit the beauty of that face, - And tell the story, if I may request it, - Of your disastrous fortune. - -_Mist. Mer._ Out alas, I left a thousand pound, a thousand pound, -e'en all the money I had laid up for this youth, upon the sight of -your mastership. You looked so grim, and as I may say it, saving your -presence, more like a giant than a mortal man. - - _Ralph._ I am as you are, lady, so are they - All mortal; but why weeps this gentle squire? - -_Mist. Mer._ Has he not cause to weep do you think, when he has lost his -inheritance? - - _Ralph._ Young hope of valour, weep not, I am here - That will confound thy foe, and pay it dear - Upon his coward head, that dare deny - Distressed squires and ladies equity. - I have but one horse, upon which shall ride - This lady fair behind me, and before - This courteous squire, fortune will give us more - Upon our next adventure; fairly speed - Beside us squire and dwarf, to do us need. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Did not I tell you, Nell, what your man would do? by the faith of -my body, wench, for clean action and good delivery, they may all cast -their caps at him. - -_Wife._ And so they may i'faith, for I dare speak it boldly, the twelve -companies of London cannot match him, timber for timber. Well, George, -an' he be not inveigled by some of these paltry players, I ha' much -marvel; but, George, we ha' done our parts, if the boy have any grace to -be thankful. - -_Cit._ Yes, I warrant you, duckling. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Good Mistress Luce, however I in fault am - For your lame horse, you're welcome unto Waltham! - But which way now to go, or what to say - I know not truly, till it be broad day. - - _Luce._ O fear not, Master Humphrey, I am guide - For this place good enough. - - _Hum._ Then up and ride, - Or if it please you, walk for your repose, - Or sit, or if you will, go pluck a rose: - Either of which shall be indifferent - To your good friend and Humphrey, whose consent - Is so entangled ever to your will, - As the poor harmless horse is to the mill. - - _Luce._ Faith and you say the word, we'll e'en sit down, - And take a nap. - - _Hum._ 'Tis better in the town, - Where we may nap together; for believe me, - To sleep without a match would mickle grieve me. - - _Luce._ You're merry, Master Humphrey. - - _Hum._ So I am, - And have been ever merry from my dam. - - _Luce._ Your nurse had the less labour. - - _Hum._ Faith it may be, - Unless it were by chance I did bewray me. - -_Enter_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ Luce, dear friend Luce. - - _Luce._ Here, Jasper. - - _Jasp._ You are mine. - - _Hum._ If it be so, my friend, you use me fine: - What do you think I am? - - _Jasp._ An arrant noddy. - - _Hum._ A word of obloquy; now by my body, - I'll tell thy master, for I know thee well. - - _Jasp._ Nay, an' you be so forward for to tell, - Take that, and that, and tell him, sir, I gave it: [_Beats him._ - And say I paid you well. - - _Hum._ O, sir, I have it, - And do confess the payment, pray be quiet. - - _Jasp._ Go, get you to your night-cap and the diet, - To cure your beaten bones. - - _Luce._ Alas, poor Humphrey, - Get thee some wholesome broth with sage and cumfry: - A little oil of roses, and a feather - To 'noint thy back withal. - - _Hum._ When I came hither, - Would I had gone to Paris with John Dory. - - _Luce._ Farewell, my pretty numps, I'm very sorry - I cannot bear thee company. - - _Hum._ Farewell, - The devil's dam was ne'er so bang'd in hell. [_Exeunt._ - -_Manet_ HUMPHREY. - -_Wife._ This young Jasper will prove me another things, a my conscience, -and he may be suffered; George, dost not see, George, how a swaggers, and -flies at the very heads a folks as he were a dragon; well, if I do not -do his lesson for wronging the poor gentleman, I am no true woman; his -friends that brought him up might have been better occupied, I wis, than -have taught him these fegaries: he's e'en in the highway to the gallows, -God bless him. - -_Cit._ You're too bitter, cony, the young man may do well enough for all -this. - -_Wife._ Come hither, Master Humphrey, has he hurt you? Now beshrew his -fingers for't; here, sweetheart, here's some green ginger for thee, now -beshrew my heart, but a has peppernel in's head, as big as a pullet's -egg; alas, sweet lamb, how thy temples beat; take the peace on him, -sweetheart, take the peace on him. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ No, no, you talk like a foolish woman; I'll ha' Ralph fight with -him, and swinge him up well-favour'dly. Sirrah boy, come hither, let -Ralph come in and fight with Jasper. - -_Wife._ Ay, and beat him well, he's an unhappy boy. - -_Boy._ Sir, you must pardon us, the plot of our play lies contrary, and -'twill hazard the spoiling of our play. - -_Cit._ Plot me no plots, I'll ha' Ralph come out; I'll make your house -too hot for you else. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, he shall; but if anything fall out of order, the -gentlemen must pardon us. - -_Cit._ Go your ways, goodman boy, I'll hold him a penny he shall have his -belly full of fighting now. Ho, here comes Ralph; no more. - -_Enter_ RALPH, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, _and_ DWARF. - - _Ralph._ What knight is that, squire? Ask him if he keep - The passage bound by love of lady fair, - Or else but prickant. - - _Hum._ Sir, I am no knight, - But a poor gentleman, that this same night, - Had stolen from me, upon yonder green, - My lovely wife, and suffered (to be seen - Yet extant on my shoulders) such a greeting, - That whilst I live, I shall think of that meeting. - -_Wife._ Ay, Ralph, he beat him unmercifully, Ralph, an' thou spar'st him, -Ralph, I would thou wert hang'd. - -_Cit._ No more, wife, no more. - - _Ralph._ Where is the caitiff wretch hath done this deed? - Lady, your pardon, that I may proceed - Upon the quest of this injurious knight. - And thou, fair squire, repute me not the worse, - In leaving the great 'venture of the purse - And the rich casket, till some better leisure. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Hum._ Here comes the broker hath purloined my treasure. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire, and tell him I am here, - An errant knight at arms, to crave delivery - Of that fair lady to her own knight's arms. - If he deny, bid him take choice of ground, - And so defy him. - - _Squire._ From the knight that bears - The golden pestle, I defy thee, knight, - Unless thou make fair restitution - Of that bright lady. - - _Jasp._ Tell the knight that sent thee - He is an ass, and I will keep the wench, - And knock his head-piece. - - _Ralph._ Knight, thou art but dead, - If thou recall not thy uncourteous terms. - -_Wife._ Break his pate, Ralph; break his pate, Ralph, soundly. - - _Jasp._ Come, knight, I'm ready for you, now your pestle - [_Snatches away his pestle._ - Shall try what temper, sir, your mortar's of; - With that he stood upright in his stirrups, - And gave the knight of the calves-skin such a knock, - That he forsook his horse, and down he fell, - And then he leaped upon him, and plucking off his helmet---- - - _Hum._ Nay, an' my noble knight be down so soon, - Though I can scarcely go, I needs must run---- - [_Exit_ HUMPHREY _and_ RALPH. - -_Wife._ Run, Ralph; run, Ralph; run for thy life, boy; Jasper comes, -Jasper comes! - - _Jasp._ Come, Luce, we must have other arms for you. - Humphrey and Golden Pestle, both adieu. [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Sure the devil, God bless us, is in this springald; why, George, -didst ever see such a fire-drake? I am afraid my boy's miscarried; if he -be, though he were Master Merry-thought's son a thousand times, if there -be any law in England, I'll make some of them smart for't. - -_Cit._ No, no, I have found out the matter, sweetheart. Jasper is -enchanted as sure as we are here, he is enchanted; he could no more have -stood in Ralph's hands than I can stand in my Lord Mayor's; I'll have a -ring to discover all enchantments, and Ralph shall beat him yet. Be no -more vexed, for it shall be so. - -_Enter_ RALPH, SQUIRE, DWARF, MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Wife._ Oh, husband, here's Ralph again; stay, Ralph, let me speak with -thee; how dost thou, Ralph? Art thou not shrewdly hurt? The foul great -lunges laid unmercifully on thee! There's some sugar-candy for thee; -proceed, thou shalt have another bout with him. - -_Cit._ If Ralph had him at the fencing-school, if he did not make a puppy -of him, and drive him up and down the school, he should ne'er come in my -shop more. - -_Mist. Mer._ Truly, Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, I am weary. - -_Mich._ Indeed la mother, and I'm very hungry. - - _Ralph._ Take comfort, gentle dame, and your fair squire. - For in this desert there must needs be placed - Many strong castles, held by courteous knights, - And till I bring you safe to one of those - I swear by this my order ne'er to leave you. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph: George, Ralph was ever comfortable, was he not? - -_Cit._ Yes, duck. - -_Wife._ I shall ne'er forget him. When we had lost our child, you know it -was strayed almost alone to Puddle Wharf, and the criers were abroad for -it, and there it had drowned itself but for a sculler, Ralph was the most -comfortablest to me: "Peace mistress," says he, "let it go, I'll get you -another as good." Did he not, George? Did he not say so? - -_Cit._ Yes indeed did he, mouse. - -_Dwarf._ I would we had a mess of pottage and a pot of drink, squire, and -were going to bed. - -_Squire._ Why, we are at Waltham town's end, and that's the Bell Inn. - - _Dwarf._ Take courage, valiant knight, damsel, and squire, - I have discovered, not a stone's cast off, - An ancient castle held by the old knight - Of the most holy order of the Bell, - Who gives to all knights errant entertain; - There plenty is of food, and all prepar'd - By the white hands of his own lady dear. - He hath three squires that welcome all his guests: - The first, high Chamberlino, who will see - Our beds prepared, and bring us snowy sheets; - The second hight Tapstero, who will see - Our pots full filled, and no froth therein; - The third, a gentle squire Ostlero hight, - Who will our palfries slick with wisps of straw, - And in the manger put them oats enough, - And never grease their teeth with candle-snuff. - -_Wife._ That same dwarf's a pretty boy, but the squire's a grout-nold. - -_Ralph._ Knock at the gates, my squire, with stately lance. - -_Enter_ TAPSTER. - -_Tap._ Who's there, you're welcome, gentlemen; will you see a room? - -_Dwarf._ Right courteous and valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, this -is the squire Tapstero. - - _Ralph._ Fair squire Tapstero, I a wandering knight, - Hight of the Burning Pestle, in the quest - Of this fair lady's casket and wrought purse, - Losing myself in this vast wilderness, - Am to this castle well by fortune brought, - Where hearing of the goodly entertain - Your knight of holy order of the Bell, - Gives to all damsels, and all errant knights, - I thought to knock, and now am bold to enter. - - _Tapst._ An't please you see a chamber, you are very welcome. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, I would have something done, and I cannot tell what it is. - -_Cit._ What is it, Nell? - -_Wife._ Why, George, shall Ralph beat nobody again? Prithee, sweetheart, -let him. - -_Cit._ So he shall, Nell, and if I join with him, we'll knock them all. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY _and_ MERCHANT. - -_Wife._ O George, here's Master Humphrey again now, that lost Mistress -Luce, and Mistress Luce's father. Master Humphrey will do somebody's -errand I warrant him. - - _Hum._ Father, it's true in arms I ne'er shall clasp her, - For she is stol'n away by your man Jasper. - - _Wife._ I thought he would tell him. - - _Mer._ Unhappy that I am to lose my child: - Now I begin to think on Jasper's words, - Who oft hath urg'd to me thy foolishness; - Why didst thou let her go? thou lov'st her not, - That wouldst bring home thy life, and not bring her. - - _Hum._ Father, forgive me, I shall tell you true, - Look on my shoulders, they are black and blue, - Whilst to and fro fair Luce and I were winding, - He came and basted me with a hedge binding. - - _Mer._ Get men and horses straight, we will be there - Within this hour; you know the place again? - - _Hum._ I know the place where he my loins did swaddle, - I'll get six horses, and to each a saddle. - - _Mer._ Mean time I will go talk with Jasper's father. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, what wilt thou lay with me now, that Master Humphrey has -not Mistress Luce yet; speak, George, what wilt thou lay with me? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, I warrant thee, Jasper is at Puckeridge with her by this. - -_Wife._ Nay, George, you must consider Mistress Luce's feet are tender, -and besides, 'tis dark, and I promise you truly, I do not see how he -should get out of Waltham Forest with her yet. - -_Cit._ Nay, honey, what wilt thou lay with me that Ralph has her not yet? - -_Wife._ I will not lay against Ralph, honny, because I have not spoken -with him: but look, George, peace, here comes the merry old gentleman -again. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - - _Old Mer._ "When it was grown to dark midnight, - And all were fast asleep, - In came Margaret's grimly ghost, - And stood at William's feet." - -I have money, and meat, and drink beforehand, till to-morrow at noon, -why should I be sad? Methinks I have half a dozen jovial spirits within -me, "I am three merry men, and three merry men." To what end should any -man be sad in this world? Give me a man that when he goes to hanging -cries "Troul the black bowl to me;" and a woman that will sing a catch -in her travail. I have seen a man come by my door with a serious face, -in a black cloak, without a hatband, carrying his head as if he look'd -for pins in the street. I have look'd out of my window half a year after, -and have spied that man's head upon London Bridge. 'Tis vile! Never trust -a tailor that does not sing at his work, his mind is of nothing but -filching. - -_Wife._ Mark this, George, 'tis worth noting: Godfrey, my tailor, you -know, never sings, and he had fourteen yards to make this gown: and I'll -be sworn, Mistress Penistone, the draper's wife, had one made with twelve. - - _Old Mer._ "'Tis mirth that fills the veins with blood, - More than wine, or sleep, or food, - Let each man keep his heart at ease, - No man dies of that disease! - He that would his body keep - From diseases, must not weep, - But whoever laughs and sings, - Never he his body brings - Into fevers, gouts, or rhumes, - Or lingringly his lungs consumes; - Or meets with aches in the bone, - Or catarrhs, or griping stone: - But contented lives by aye, - The more he laughs, the more he may." - -_Wife._ Look, George. How say'st thou by this, George? Is't not a fine -old man? Now God's blessing a thy sweet lips. When wilt thou be so merry, -George? Faith, thou art the frowningst little thing, when thou art angry, -in a country. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Cit._ Peace, coney; thou shalt see him took down too, I warrant thee. -Here's Luce's father come now. - - _Old Mer._ "As you came from Walsingham, - From the Holy Land, - There met you not with my true love - By the way as you came?" - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought! my daughter's gone! - This mirth becomes you not, my daughter's gone! - - _Old Mer._ "Why an' if she be, what care I? - Or let her come, or go, or tarry." - - _Merch._ Mock not my misery, it is your son - (Whom I have made my own, when all forsook him), - Has stol'n my only joy, my child, away. - - _Old Mer._ "He set her on a milk-white steed, - And himself upon a gray, - He never turned his face again, - But he bore her quite away." - - _Merch._ Unworthy of the kindness I have shown - To thee and thine; too late, I well perceive - Thou art consenting to my daughter's loss. - -_Old Mer._ Your daughter? what a stir's here wi' y'r daughter? Let her -go, think no more on her, but sing loud. If both my sons were on the -gallows I would sing, - - "Down, down, down: they fall - Down, and arise they never shall." - - _Merch._ Oh, might but I behold her once again, - And she once more embrace her aged sire. - - _Old Mer._ Fie, how scurvily this goes: - "And she once more embrace her aged sire?" - You'll make a dog on her, will ye; she cares much for her aged - sire, I warrant you. - "She cares not for her daddy, nor - She cares not for her mammy, - For she is, she is, she is my - Lord of Low-gaves lassie." - - _Merch._ For this thy scorn I will pursue - That son of thine to death. - - _Old Merch._ Do, and when you ha' killed him, - "Give him flowers enow, Palmer, give him flowers enow, - Give him red and white, blue, green, and yellow." - -_Merch._ I'll fetch my daughter. - -_Old Mer._ I'll hear no more o' your daughter, it spoils my mirth. - -_Merch._ I say I'll fetch my daughter. - - _Old Mer._ "Was never man for lady's sake, down, down, - Tormented as I, Sir Guy? de derry down, - For Lucy's sake, that lady bright, down, down, - As ever man beheld with eye? de derry down." - - _Merch._ I'll be revenged, by heaven! [_Exeunt._ - - _Finis Actus Secundi._ [_Music._ - -_Wife._ How dost thou like this, George? - -_Cit._ Why this is well, dovey; but if Ralph were hot once, thou shouldst -see more. - -_Wife._ The fiddlers go again, husband. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, but this is scurvy music; I gave the young gallows -money, and I think he has not got me the waits of Southwark. If I hear -'em not anon, I'll twing him by the ears. You musicians, play Baloo. - -_Wife._ No, good George, let's have Lachrymae. - -_Cit._ Why this is it, bird. - -_Wife._ Is't? All the better, George; now, sweet lamb, what story is that -painted upon the cloth? the Confutation of Saint Paul? - -_Cit._ No, lamb, that's Ralph and Lucrece. - -_Wife._ Ralph and Lucrece? Which Ralph? our Ralph? - -_Cit._ No, mouse, that was a Tartarian. - -_Wife._ A Tartarian? well, I would the fiddlers had done, that we might -see our Ralph again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ LUCE. - - _Jasp._ Come, my dear dear, though we have lost our way - We have not lost ourselves. Are you not weary - With this night's wand'ring, broken from your rest? - And frighted with the terror that attends - The darkness of this wild unpeopled place? - - _Luce._ No, my best friend, I cannot either fear - Or entertain a weary thought, whilst you - (The end of all my full desires) stand by me. - Let them that lose their hopes, and live to languish - Amongst the number of forsaken lovers, - Tell the long weary steps and number Time, - Start at a shadow, and shrink up their blood, - Whilst I (possessed with all content and quiet) - Thus take my pretty love, and thus embrace him. - - _Jasp._ You've caught me, Luce, so fast, that whilst I live - I shall become your faithful prisoner, - And wear these chains for ever. Come, sit down, - And rest your body, too too delicate - For these disturbances; so, will you sleep? - Come, do not be more able than you are, - I know you are not skilful in these watches, - For women are no soldiers; be not nice, - But take it, sleep, I say. - - _Luce._ I cannot sleep, - Indeed I cannot, friend. - - _Jasp._ Why then we'll sing, - And try how that will work upon our senses. - - _Luce._ I'll sing, or say, or anything but sleep. - - _Jasp._ Come, little mermaid, rob me of my heart - With that enchanting voice. - - _Luce._ You mock me, Jasper. - - SONG. - - _Jasp._ Tell me, dearest, what is love? - - _Luce._ 'Tis a lightning from above, - 'Tis an arrow, 'tis a fire, - 'Tis a boy they call Desire. - 'Tis a smile - Doth beguile - - _Jasp._ The poor hearts of men that prove. - Tell me more, are women true? - - _Luce._ Some love change, and so do you. - - _Jasp._ Are they fair, and never kind? - - _Luce._ Yes, when men turn with the wind. - - _Jasp._ Are they froward? - - _Luce._ Ever toward - Those that love, to love anew. - - _Jasp._ Dissemble it no more, I see the god - Of heavy sleep, lays on his heavy mace - Upon your eyelids. - - _Luce._ I am very heavy. - - _Jasp._ Sleep, sleep, and quiet rest crown thy sweet thoughts: - Keep from her fair blood all distempers, startings, - Horrors and fearful shapes: let all her dreams - Be joys and chaste delights, embraces, wishes, - And such new pleasures as the ravish'd soul - Gives to the senses. So, my charms have took. - Keep her, ye Powers Divine, whilst I contemplate - Upon the wealth and beauty of her mind. - She's only fair, and constant, only kind, - And only to thee, Jasper. O my joys! - Whither will you transport me? let not fulness - Of my poor buried hopes come up together, - And over-charge my spirits; I am weak. - Some say (however ill) the sea and women - Are govern'd by the moon, both ebb and flow, - Both full of changes: yet to them that know, - And truly judge, these but opinions are, - And heresies to bring on pleasing war - Between our tempers, that without these were - Both void of after-love, and present fear; - Which are the best of Cupid. O thou child! - Bred from despair, I dare not entertain thee, - Having a love without the faults of women, - And greater in her perfect goods than men; - Which to make good, and please myself the stronger, - Though certainly I'm certain of her love, - I'll try her, that the world and memory - May sing to after-times her constancy. - Luce, Luce, awake! - - _Luce._ Why do you fright me, friend, - With those distempered looks? what makes your sword - Drawn in your hand? who hath offended you? - I prithee, Jasper, sleep, thou'rt wild with watching. - - _Jasp._ Come, make your way to Heav'n, and bid the world, - With all the villanies that stick upon it, - Farewell; you're for another life. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper, - How have my tender years committed evil, - Especially against the man I love, - Thus to be cropt untimely? - - _Jasp._ Foolish girl, - Canst thou imagine I could love his daughter - That flung me from my fortune into nothing? - Discharged me his service, shut the doors - Upon my poverty, and scorn'd my prayers, - Sending me, like a boat without a mast, - To sink or swim? Come, by this hand you die, - I must have life and blood, to satisfy - Your father's wrongs. - -_Wife._ Away, George, away, raise the watch at Ludgate, and bring a -mittimus from the justice for this desperate villain. Now, I charge you, -gentlemen, see the King's peace kept. O my heart, what a varlet's this, -to offer manslaughter upon the harmless gentlewoman? - -_Cit._ I warrant thee, sweetheart, we'll have him hampered. - - _Luce._ Oh, Jasper! be not cruel, - If thou wilt kill me, smile, and do it quickly, - And let not many deaths appear before me. - I am a woman made of fear and love, - A weak, weak woman, kill not with thy eyes, - They shoot me through and through. Strike, I am ready, - And dying, still I love thee. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, _and his_ MEN. - - _Merch._ Where abouts? - - _Jasp._ No more of this, now to myself again. - - _Hum._ There, there he stands with sword, like martial knight, - Drawn in his hand, therefore beware the fight - You that are wise; for were I good Sir Bevis, - I would not stay his coming, by your leaves. - - _Merch._ Sirrah, restore my daughter. - - _Jasp._ Sirrah, no. - - _Merch._ Upon him then. - - _Wife._ So, down with him, down with him, down with him! - Cut him i'the leg, boys, cut him i'the leg! - -_Merch._ Come your ways, minion, I'll provide a cage for you, you're -grown so tame. Horse her away. - - _Hum._ Truly I am glad your forces have the day. [_Exeunt._ - - _Manet_ JASPER. - - _Jasp._ They're gone, and I am hurt; my love is lost, - Never to get again. Oh, me unhappy! - Bleed, bleed and die----I cannot; oh, my folly! - Thou hast betrayed me; hope, where art thou fled? - Tell me, if thou be'st anywhere remaining. - Shall I but see my love again? Oh, no! - She will not deign to look upon her butcher, - Nor is it fit she should; yet I must venture. - Oh chance, or fortune, or whate'er thou art - That men adore for powerful, hear my cry, - And let me loving live, or losing die. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Is he gone, George? - -_Cit._ Ay, coney. - -_Wife._ Marry, and let him go, sweetheart, by the faith a my body, a -has put me into such a fright, that I tremble (as they say) as 'twere -an aspin leaf. Look a my little finger, George, how it shakes: now, in -truth, every member of my body is the worse for't. - -_Cit._ Come, hug in mine arms, sweet mouse, he shall not fright thee any -more; alas, mine own dear heart, how it quivers. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT, RALPH, MICHAEL, SQUIRE, DWARF, HOST, _and -a_ TAPSTER. - -_Wife._ O Ralph, how dost thou, Ralph? How hast thou slept to-night? Has -the knight used thee well? - - _Cit._ Peace, Nell, let Ralph alone. - - _Tap._ Master, the reckoning is not paid. - - _Ralph._ Right courteous Knight, who for the orders' sake - Which thou hast ta'en, hang'st out the holy Bell, - As I this flaming pestle bear about, - We render thanks to your puissant self, - Your beauteous lady, and your gentle squires, - For thus refreshing of our wearied limbs, - Stiffened with hard achievements in wild desert. - - _Tap._ Sir, there is twelve shillings to pay. - - _Ralph._ Thou merry squire Tapstero, thanks to thee - For comforting our souls with double jug, - And if adventurous fortune prick thee forth, - Thou jovial squire, to follow feats of arms, - Take heed thou tender ev'ry lady's cause, - Ev'ry true knight, and ev'ry damsel fair, - But spill the blood of treacherous Saracens, - And false enchanters, that with magic spells - Have done to death full many a noble knight. - -_Host._ Thou valiant Knight of the Burning Pestle, give ear to me: there -is twelve shillings to pay, and as I am a true knight, I will not bate a -penny. - -_Wife._ George, I prithee tell me, must Ralph pay twelve shillings now? - -_Cit._ No, Nell, no, nothing; but the old knight is merry with Ralph. - -_Wife._ O, is't nothing else? Ralph will be as merry as he. - - _Ralph._ Sir Knight, this mirth of yours becomes you well, - But to requite this liberal courtesy, - If any of your squires will follow arms, - He shall receive from my heroic hand - A knighthood, by the virtue of this pestle. - -_Host._ Fair knight, I thank you for your noble offer; therefore, gentle -knight, twelve shillings you must pay, or I must cap you. - -_Wife._ Look, George, did not I tell thee as much? The knight of the Bell -is in earnest. Ralph shall not be beholding to him; give him his money, -George, and let him go snick-up. - -_Cit._ Cap Ralph? No; hold your hand, Sir Knight of the Bell, there's -your money. Have you anything to say to Ralph now? Cap Ralph? - -_Wife._ I would you should know it, Ralph has friends that will not -suffer him to be capt for ten times so much, and ten times to the end of -that. Now take thy course, Ralph. - -_Mist. Mer._ Come, Michael, thou and I will go home to thy father, he -hath enough left to keep us a day or two, and we'll set fellows abroad to -cry our purse and casket. Shall we, Michael? - -_Mich._ Ay, I pray mother, in truth my feet are full of chilblains with -travelling. - -_Wife._ Faith and those chilblains are a foul trouble. Mistress -Merry-thought, when your youth comes home let him rub all the soles of -his feet and his heels and his ankles with a mouse-skin; or if none of -you can catch a mouse, when he goes to bed let him roll his feet in the -warm embers, and I warrant you he shall be well, and you may make him put -his fingers between his toes and smell to them, it's very sovereign for -his head if he be costive. - -_Mist. Mer._ Master Knight of the Burning Pestle, my son Michael and I -bid you farewell; I thank your worship heartily for your kindness. - - _Ralph._ Farewell, fair lady, and your tender squire. - If pricking through these deserts, I do hear - Of any trait'rous knight, who, through his guile - Hath light upon your casket and your purse, - I will despoil him of them and restore them. - - _Mist. Mer._ I thank your worship. [_Exit with_ MICHAEL. - - _Ralph._ Dwarf, bear my shield; squire, elevate my lance, - And now farewell, you knight of holy Bell. - - _Cit._ Ay, ay, Ralph, all is paid. - - _Ralph._ But yet before I go, speak, worthy knight, - If aught you do of sad adventures know, - Where errant knight may through his prowess win - Eternal fame, and free some gentle souls - From endless bonds of steel and lingring pain. - -_Host._ Sirrah, go to Nick the Barber, and bid him prepare himself, as I -told you before, quickly. - - _Tap._ I am gone, sir. [_Exit_ TAPSTER. - - _Host._ Sir Knight, this wilderness affordeth none - But the great venture, where full many a knight - Hath tried his prowess, and come off with shame, - And where I would not have you lose your life, - Against no man, but furious fiend of hell. - - _Ralph._ Speak on, Sir Knight, tell what he is, and where: - For here I vow upon my blazing badge, - Never to lose a day in quietness; - But bread and water will I only eat, - And the green herb and rock shall be my couch, - Till I have quell'd that man, or beast, or fiend, - That works such damage to all errant knights. - - _Host._ Not far from hence, near to a craggy cliff - At the north end of this distressed town, - There doth stand a lowly house - Ruggedly builded, and in it a cave, - In which an ugly giant now doth dwell, - Ycleped Barbaroso: in his hand - He shakes a naked lance of purest steel, - With sleeves turned up, and he before him wears - A motley garment, to preserve his clothes - From blood of those knights which he massacres, - And ladies gent: without his door doth hang - A copper bason, on a prickant spear; - At which, no sooner gentle knights can knock, - But the shrill sound fierce Barbaroso hears, - And rushing forth, brings in the errant knight, - And sets him down in an enchanted chair: - Then with an engine, which he hath prepar'd - With forty teeth, he claws his courtly crown, - Next makes him wink, and underneath his chin - He plants a brazen piece of mighty bore, - And knocks his bullets round about his cheeks, - Whilst with his fingers, and an instrument - With which he snaps his hair off, he doth fill - The wretch's ears with a most hideous noise. - Thus every knight adventurer he doth trim, - And now no creature dares encounter him. - - _Ralph._ In God's name, I will fight with him, kind sir. - Go but before me to this dismal cave - Where this huge giant Barbaroso dwells, - And by that virtue that brave Rosiclere, - That wicked brood of ugly giants slew, - And Palmerin Frannarco overthrew: - I doubt not but to curb this traitor foul, - And to the devil send his guilty soul. - - _Host._ Brave sprighted knight, thus far I will perform - This your request, I'll bring you within sight - Of this most loathsome place, inhabited - By a more loathsome man: but dare not stay, - For his main force swoops all he sees away. - - _Ralph._ Saint George! set on, before march squire and page. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ George, dost think Ralph will confound the giant? - -_Cit._ I hold my cap to a farthing he does. Why, Nell, I saw him wrestle -with the great Dutchman, and hurl him. - -_Wife._ Faith and that Dutchman was a goodly man, if all things were -answerable to his bigness. And yet they say there was a Scottishman -higher than he, and that they two on a night met, and saw one another for -nothing. - -_Cit._ Nay, by your leave, Nell, Ninivie was better. - -_Wife._ Ninivie, O that was the story of Joan and the Wall, was it not, -George? - -_Cit._ Yes, lamb. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Look, George, here comes Mistress Merry-thought again, and I -would have Ralph come and fight with the giant. I tell you true, I long -to see't. - -_Cit._ Good Mistress Merry-thought, be gone, I pray you for my sake; I -pray you forbear a little, you shall have audience presently: I have a -little business. - -_Wife._ Mistress Merry-thought, if it please you to refrain your passion -a little, till Ralph have dispatched the giant out of the way, we shall -think ourselves much bound to thank you. I thank you, good Mistress -Merry-thought. - - [_Exit_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Cit._ Boy, come hither, send away Ralph and this master giant quickly. - -_Boy._ In good faith, sir, we cannot; you'll utterly spoil our play, and -make it to be hissed, and it cost money; you will not suffer us to go on -with our plots. I pray, gentlemen, rule him. - -_Cit._ Let him come now and dispatch this, and I'll trouble you no more. - -_Boy._ Will you give me your hand of that? - -_Wife._ Give him thy hand, George, do, and I'll kiss him; I warrant thee -the youth means plainly. - - _Boy._ I'll send him to you presently. [_Exit_ BOY. - -_Wife._ I thank you, little youth; faith the child hath a sweet breath. -George, but I think it be troubled with the worms; Carduus Benedictus and -mare's milk were the only thing in the world for it. Oh, Ralph's here, -George! God send thee good luck, Ralph! - -_Enter_ RALPH, HOST, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Host._ Puissant knight, yonder his mansion is, - Lo, where the spear and copper bason are, - Behold the string on which hangs many a tooth, - Drawn from the gentle jaw of wandering knights; - I dare not stay to sound, he will appear. [_Exit_ HOST. - - _Ralph._ O faint not, heart: Susan, my lady dear, - The cobbler's maid in Milk Street, for whose sake - I take these arms, O let the thought of thee - Carry thy knight through all adventurous deed, - And in the honour of thy beauteous self, - May I destroy this monster Barbaroso. - Knock, squire, upon the bason till it break - With the shrill strokes, or till the giant speak. - -_Enter_ BARBAROSO. - -_Wife._ O George, the giant, the giant! Now, Ralph, for thy life! - - _Bar._ What fond unknowing wight is this, that dares - So rudely knock at Barbaroso's cell, - Where no man comes, but leaves his fleece behind? - - _Ralph._ I, traitorous caitiff, who am sent by fate - To punish all the sad enormities - Thou hast committed against ladies gent, - And errant knights, traitor to God and men. - Prepare thyself, this is the dismal hour - Appointed for thee to give strict account - Of all thy beastly treacherous villanies. - - _Bar._ Foolhardy knight, full soon thou shalt aby - This fond reproach, thy body will I bang, - [_He takes down his pole._ - And lo, upon that string thy teeth shall hang; - Prepare thyself, for dead soon shalt thou be. - - _Ralph._ Saint George for me! [_They fight._ - -_Bar._ Gargantua for me! - -_Wife._ To him, Ralph, to him: hold up the giant, set out thy leg before, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Falsify a blow, Ralph, falsify a blow; the giant lies open on the -left side. - -_Wife._ Bear't off, bear't off still; there, boy. Oh, Ralph's almost -down, Ralph's almost down! - -_Ralph._ Susan, inspire me, now have up again. - -_Wife._ Up, up, up, up, up, so, Ralph; down with him, down with him, -Ralph! - -_Cit._ Fetch him over the hip, boy. - -_Wife._ There, boy; kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, Ralph! - -_Cit._ No, Ralph, get all out of him first. - - _Ralph._ Presumptuous man, see to what desperate end - Thy treachery hath brought thee; the just gods, - Who never prosper those that do despise them, - For all the villanies which thou hast done - To knights and ladies, now have paid thee home - By my stiff arm, a knight adventurous. - But say, vile wretch, before I send thy soul - To sad Avernus, whither it must go, - What captives hold'st thou in thy sable cave? - - _Bar._ Go in and free them all, thou hast the day. - - _Ralph._ Go, squire and dwarf, search in this dreadful cave, - And free the wretched prisoners from their bonds. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - - _Bar._ I crave for mercy as thou art a knight, - And scorn'st to spill the blood of those that beg. - - _Ralph._ Thou showest no mercy, nor shalt thou have any; - Prepare thyself, for thou shalt surely die. - -_Enter_ SQUIRE, _leading one winking, with a bason under his chin_. - - _Squire._ Behold, brave knight, here is one prisoner, - Whom this wild man hath used as you see. - - _Wife._ This is the wisest word I hear the squire speak. - - _Ralph._ Speak what thou art, and how thou hast been us'd, - That I may give him condign punishment. - - _1st Knight._ I am a knight that took my journey post - Northward from London, and in courteous wise, - This giant train'd me to his loathsome den, - Under pretence of killing of the itch, - And all my body with a powder strew'd, - That smarts and stings; and cut away my beard, - And my curl'd locks wherein were ribands ty'd, - And with a water washt my tender eyes - (Whilst up and down about me still he skipt), - Whose virtue is, that till my eyes be wip'd - With a dry cloth, for this my foul disgrace, - I shall not dare to look a dog i' th' face. - -_Wife._ Alas, poor knight. Relieve him, Ralph; relieve poor knights -whilst you live. - - _Ralph._ My trusty squire, convey him to the town, - Where he may find relief; adieu, fair knight. - [_Exit_ KNIGHT. - -_Enter_ DWARF, _leading one with a patch over his nose_. - - _Dwarf._ Puissant Knight of the Burning Pestle hight, - See here another wretch, whom this foul beast - Hath scotch'd and scor'd in this inhuman wise. - - _Ralph._ Speak me thy name, and eke thy place of birth, - And what hath been thy usage in this cave. - - _2nd Knight._ I am a knight, Sir Partle is my name, - And by my birth I am a Londoner, - Free by my copy, but my ancestors - Were Frenchmen all; and riding hard this way, - Upon a trotting horse, my bones did ache, - And I, faint knight, to ease my weary limbs, - Light at this cave, when straight this furious fiend, - With sharpest instrument of purest steel, - Did cut the gristle of my nose away, - And in the place this velvet plaster stands. - Relieve me, gentle knight, out of his hands. - -_Wife._ Good Ralph, relieve Sir Partle, and send him away, for in truth -his breath stinks. - -_Ralph._ Convey him straight after the other knight. Sir Partle, fare you -well. - - _3rd Knight._ Kind sir, good night. [_Exit._ - [_Cries within._ - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - -_Wife._ Hark, George, what a woful cry there is. I think some one is ill -there. - -_Man._ Deliver us! - -_Wom._ Deliver us! - - _Ralph._ What ghastly noise is this? Speak, Barbaroso, - Or by this blazing steel thy head goes off. - - _Bar._ Prisoners of mine, whom I in diet keep. - Send lower down into the cave, - And in a tub that's heated smoking hot, - There may they find them, and deliver them. - - - _Ralph._ Run, squire and dwarf, deliver them with speed. - [_Exeunt_ SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Wife._ But will not Ralph kill this giant? Surely I am afraid if he let -him go he will do as much hurt as ever he did. - -_Cit._ Not so, mouse, neither, if he could convert him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, if he could convert him; but a giant is not so soon -converted as one of us ordinary people. There's a pretty tale of a witch, -that had the devil's mark about her, God bless us, that had a giant to -her son, that was call'd Lob-lie-by-the-fire. Didst never hear it, George? - -_Enter_ SQUIRE _leading a man with a glass of lotion in his hand, and -the_ DWARF _leading a woman, with diet bread and drink_. - -_Cit._ Peace, Nell, here come the prisoners. - - _Dwarf._ Here be these pined wretches, manful knight, - That for these six weeks have not seen a wight. - - _Ralph._ Deliver what you are, and how you came - To this sad cave, and what your usage was? - - _Man._ I am an errant knight that followed arms, - With spear and shield, and in my tender years - I strucken was with Cupid's fiery shaft, - And fell in love with this my lady dear, - And stole her from her friends in Turnball Street, - And bore her up and down from town to town, - Where we did eat and drink, and music hear; - Till at the length at this unhappy town - We did arrive, and coming to this cave, - This beast us caught, and put us in a tub, - Where we this two months sweat, and should have done - Another month if you had not relieved us. - - _Wom._ This bread and water hath our diet been, - Together with a rib cut from a neck - Of burned mutton; hard hath been our fare. - Release us from this ugly giant's snare. - - _Man._ This hath been all the food we have receiv'd; - But only twice a day, for novelty, - He gave a spoonful of this hearty broth - [_Pulls out a syringe._ - To each of us, through this same slender quill. - - _Ralph._ From this infernal monster you shall go, - That useth knights and gentle ladies so. - Convey them hence. [_Exeunt Man and Woman._ - -_Cit._ Mouse, I can tell thee, the gentlemen like Ralph. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, I see it well enough. Gentlemen, I thank you all -heartily for gracing my man Ralph, and I promise you, you shall see him -oftener. - - _Bar._ Mercy, great knight, I do recant my ill, - And henceforth never gentle blood will spill. - - _Ralph._ I give thee mercy, but yet thou shalt swear - Upon my burning pestle to perform - Thy promise utter'd. - - _Bar._ I swear and kiss. - - _Ralph._ Depart then, and amend. - Come, squire and dwarf, the sun grows towards his set, - And we have many more adventures yet. [_Exeunt._ - -_Cit._ Now Ralph is in this humour, I know he would ha' beaten all the -boys in the house, if they had been set on him. - -_Wife._ Ay, George, but it is well as it is. I warrant you the gentlemen -do consider what it is to overthrow a giant. But look, George, here -comes Mistress Merry-thought, and her son Michael. Now you are welcome, -Mistress Merry-thought; now Ralph has done, you may go on. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Mick, my boy. - -_Mick._ Ay forsooth, mother. - -_Mist. Mer._ Be merry, Mick, we are at home now, where I warrant you, you -shall find the house flung out of the windows. Hark! hey dogs, hey, this -is the old world i'faith with my husband. I'll get in among them, I'll -play them such lesson, that they shall have little list to come scraping -hither again. Why, Master Merry-thought, husband, Charles Merry-thought! - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "If you will sing and dance and laugh, - And holloa, and laugh again; - And then cry, there boys, there; why then, - One, two, three, and four, - We shall be merry within this hour." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Charles, do you not know your own natural wife? I -say, open the door, and turn me out those mangy companions; 'tis more -than time that they were fellow like with you. You are a gentleman, -Charles, and an old man, and father of two children; and I myself, though -I say it, by my mother's side, niece to a worshipful gentleman, and a -conductor; he has been three times in his Majesty's service at Chester, -and is now the fourth time, God bless him, and his charge upon his -journey. - - _Old Mer._ "Go from my window, love, go; - Go from my window, my dear, - The wind and the rain will drive you back again, - You cannot be lodged here." - -Hark you, Mistress Merry-thought, you that walk upon adventures, and -forsake your husband because he sings with never a penny in his purse; -what, shall I think myself the worse? Faith no, I'll be merry. You come -not here, here's none but lads of mettle, lives of a hundred years and -upwards; care never drunk their bloods, nor want made them warble, - - "Heigh-ho, my heart is heavy." - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, what am I that you should laugh -me to scorn thus abruptly? Am I not your fellow-feeler, as we may say, -in all our miseries? your comforter in health and sickness? Have I not -brought you children? Are they not like you, Charles? Look upon thine own -image, hard-hearted man; and yet for all this---- - - _Old Mer._ [within.] "Begone, begone, my juggy, my puggy, - Begone, my love, my dear; - The weather is warm, - 'Twill do thee no harm, - Thou canst not be lodged here." - -Be merry, boys, some light music, and more wine. - -_Wife._ He's not in earnest, I hope, George, is he? - -_Cit._ What if he be, sweetheart? - -_Wife._ Marry if he be, George, I'll make bold to tell him he's an -ingrant old man to use his wife so scurvily. - -_Cit._ What, how does he use her, honey? - -_Wife._ Marry come up, Sir Sauce-box; I think you'll take his part, will -you not? Lord, how hot are you grown; you are a fine man, an' you had a -fine dog, it becomes you sweetly. - -_Cit._ Nay, prithee Nell, chide not; for as I am an honest man, and a -true Christian grocer, I do not like his doings. - -_Wife._ I cry you mercy then, George; you know we are all frail, and full -of infirmities. D'ye hear, Master Merry-thought, may I crave a word with -you? - -_Old Mer._ [within.] Strike up lively, lads. - -_Wife._ I had not thought in truth, Master Merry-thought, that a man of -your age and discretion, as I may say, being a gentleman, and therefore -known by your gentle conditions, could have used so little respect to the -weakness of his wife; for your wife is your own flesh, the staff of your -age, your yoke-fellow, with whose help you draw through the mire of this -transitory world. Nay, she is your own rib. And again---- - - _Old Mer._ "I come not hither for thee to teach, - I have no pulpit for thee to preach, - As thou art a lady gay." - -_Wife._ Marry with a vengeance! I am heartily sorry for the poor -gentlewoman; but if I were thy wife, i'faith, gray beard, i'faith---- - -_Cit._ I prithee, sweet honeysuckle, be content. - -_Wife._ Give me such words that am a gentlewoman born, hang him, hoary -rascal! Get me some drink, George, I am almost molten with fretting. Now -beshrew his knave's heart for it. - -_Old Mer._ Play me a light lavalto. Come, be frolic, fill the good -fellows wine. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, are you disposed to make me wait -here. You'll open, I hope; I'll fetch them that shall open else. - -_Old Mer._ Good woman, if you will sing, I'll give you something, if -not---- - - SONG. - - You are no love for me, Marget, - I am no love for you. - Come aloft, boys, aloft. - -_Mist. Mer._ Now a churl's fist in your teeth, sir. Come, Mick, we'll -not trouble him, a shall not ding us i' th' teeth with his bread and his -broth, that he shall not. Come, boy, I'll provide for thee, I warrant -thee. We'll go to Master Venterwels the merchant; I'll get his letter to -mine host of the Bell in Waltham, there I'll place thee with the tapster; -will not that do well for thee, Mick? And let me alone for that old -rascally knave, your father; I'll use him in his kind, I warrant ye. - -_Wife._ Come, George, where's the beer? - -_Cit._ Here, love. - -_Wife._ This old fumigating fellow will not out of my mind yet. -Gentlemen, I'll begin to you all, I desire more of your acquaintance, -with all my heart. Fill the gentlemen some beer, George. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -_Boy danceth._ - -_Wife._ Look, George, the little boy's come again; methinks he looks -something like the Prince of Orange, in his long stocking, if he had a -little harness about his neck. George, I will have him dance Fading; -Fading is a fine jig, I'll assure you, gentlemen. Begin, brother; now a -capers, sweetheart; now a turn a th' toe, and then tumble. Cannot you -tumble, youth? - -_Boy._ No, indeed, forsooth. - -_Wife._ Nor eat fire? - -_Boy._ Neither. - -_Wife._ Why, then I thank you heartily; there's two pence to buy you -points withal. - -_Enter_ JASPER _and_ BOY. - - _Jasp._ There, boy, deliver this. But do it well. - Hast thou provided me four lusty fellows, - Able to carry me? And art thou perfect - In all thy business? - - _Boy._ Sir, you need not fear, - I have my lesson here, and cannot miss it: - The men are ready for you, and what else - Pertains to this employment. - - _Jasp._ There, my boy, - Take it, but buy no land. - - _Boy._ Faith, sir, 'twere rare - To see so young a purchaser. I fly, - And on my wings carry your destiny. [_Exit._ - - _Jasp._ Go, and be happy. Now my latest hope - Forsake me not, but fling thy anchor out, - And let it hold. Stand fixt, thou rolling stone, - Till I possess my dearest. Hear me, all - You Powers, that rule in men, celestial. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Go thy ways, thou art as crooked a sprig as ever grew in London. -I warrant him he'll come to some naughty end or other; for his looks say -no less. Besides, his father (you know, George) is none of the best; you -heard him take me up like a gill flirt, and sing bad songs upon me. But -i'faith, if I live, George---- - -_Cit._ Let me alone, sweetheart, I have a trick in my head shall lodge -him in the Arches for one year, and make him sing Peccavi, ere I leave -him, and yet he shall never know who hurt him neither. - -_Wife._ Do, my good George, do. - -_Cit._ What shall we have Ralph do now, boy? - -_Boy._ You shall have what you will, sir. - -_Cit._ Why so, sir, go and fetch me him then, and let the Sophy of Persia -come and christen him a child. - -_Boy._ Believe me, sir, that will not do so well; 'tis stale, it has been -had before at the Red Bull. - -_Wife._ George, let Ralph travel over great hills, and let him be weary, -and come to the King of Cracovia's house, covered with black velvet, and -there let the king's daughter stand in her window all in beaten gold, -combing her golden locks with a comb of ivory, and let her spy Ralph, -and fall in love with him, and come down to him, and carry him into her -father's house, and then let Ralph talk with her. - -_Cit._ Well said, Nell, it shall be so. Boy, let's ha't done quickly. - -_Boy._ Sir, if you will imagine all this to be done already, you shall -hear them talk together. But we cannot present a house covered with black -velvet, and a lady in beaten gold. - -_Cit._ Sir Boy, let's ha't as you can then. - -_Boy._ Besides, it will show ill-favouredly to have a grocer's prentice -to court a king's daughter. - -_Cit._ Will it so, sir? You are well read in histories: I pray you what -was Sir Dagonet? Was not he prentice to a grocer in London? Read the play -of the "Four Prentices of London," where they toss their pikes so. I pray -you fetch him in, sir; fetch him in. - - _Boy._ It shall be done, it is not our fault, gentlemen. - [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ Now we shall see fine doings, I warrant thee, George. Oh, here -they come; how prettily the King of Cracovia's daughter is drest. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and the_ LADY, SQUIRE _and_ DWARF. - -_Cit._ Ay, Nell, it is the fashion of that country, I warrant thee. - - _Lady._ Welcome, Sir Knight, unto my father's court, - King of Moldavia, unto me Pompiona, - His daughter dear. But sure you do not like - Your entertainment, that will stay with us - No longer but a night. - - _Ralph._ Damsel right fair, - I am on many sad adventures bound, - That call me forth into the wilderness. - Besides, my horse's back is something gall'd, - Which will enforce me ride a sober pace. - But many thanks, fair lady, be to you, - For using errant knight with courtesy. - - _Lady._ But say, brave knight, what is your name and birth? - - _Ralph._ My name is Ralph. I am an Englishman, - As true as steel, a hearty Englishman, - And prentice to a grocer in the Strand, - By deed indent, of which I have one part: - But fortune calling me to follow arms, - On me this holy order I did take, - Of Burning Pestle, which in all men's eyes - I bear, confounding ladies' enemies. - - _Lady._ Oft have I heard of your brave countrymen, - And fertile soil, and store of wholesome food; - My father oft will tell me of a drink - In England found, and Nipitato call'd, - Which driveth all the sorrow from your hearts. - - _Ralph._ Lady, 'tis true, you need not lay your lips - To better Nipitato than there is. - - _Lady._ And of a wildfowl he will often speak, - Which powdered beef and mustard called is: - For there have been great wars 'twixt us and you; - But truly, Ralph, it was not long of me. - Tell me then, Ralph, could you contented be - To wear a lady's favour in your shield? - - _Ralph._ I am a knight of a religious order, - And will not wear a favour of a lady - That trusts in Antichrist, and false traditions. - - _Cit._ Well said, Ralph, convert her if thou canst. - - _Ralph._ Besides, I have a lady of my own - In merry England; for whose virtuous sake - I took these arms, and Susan is her name, - A cobbler's maid in Milk Street, whom I vow - Ne'er to forsake, whilst life and pestle last. - - _Lady._ Happy that cobbling dame, whoe'er she be, - That for her own (dear Ralph) hath gotten thee. - Unhappy I, that ne'er shall see the day - To see thee more, that bear'st my heart away. - - _Ralph._ Lady, farewell; I must needs take my leave. - - _Lady._ Hard-hearted Ralph, that ladies dost deceive. - -_Cit._ Hark thee, Ralph, there's money for thee; give something in the -King of Cracovia's house; be not beholding to him. - - _Ralph._ Lady, before I go, I must remember - Your father's officers, who, truth to tell, - Have been about me very diligent: - Hold up thy snowy hand, thou princely maid. - There's twelve pence for your father's chamberlain, - And there's another shilling for his cook, - For, by my troth, the goose was roasted well. - And twelve pence for your father's horse-keeper, - For 'nointing my horse back; and for his butter, - There is another shilling; to the maid - That wash'd my boot-hose, there's an English groat, - And two pence to the boy that wip'd my boots. - And last, fair lady, there is for your self - Three pence to buy you pins at Bumbo Fair. - - _Lady._ Full many thanks, and I will keep them safe - Till all the heads be off, for thy sake, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ Advance, my squire and dwarf, I cannot stay. - - _Lady._ Thou kill'st my heart in parting thus away. - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ I commend Ralph yet, that he will not stoop to a Cracovian; -there's properer women in London than any are there, I wis. But here -comes Master Humphrey and his love again; now, George. - -_Cit._ Ay, bird, peace. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, HUMPHREY, LUCE, _and_ BOY. - - _Merch._ Go, get you up, I will not be entreated. - And, gossip mine, I'll keep you sure hereafter - From gadding out again with boys and unthrifts; - Come, they are women's tears, I know your fashion. - Go, sirrah, lock her in, and keep the key - [_Exeunt_ LUCE _and_ BOY. - Safe as your life. Now, my son Humphrey, - You may both rest assured of my love - In this, and reap your own desire. - - _Humph._ I see this love you speak of, through your daughter, - Although the hole be little, and hereafter - Will yield the like in all I may or can, - Fitting a Christian and a gentleman. - - _Merch._ I do believe you, my good son, and thank you, - For 'twere an impudence to think you flattered. - - _Humph._ It were indeed, but shall I tell you why, - I have been beaten twice about the lie. - - _Merch._ Well, son, no more of compliment; my daughter - Is yours again: appoint the time and take her. - We'll have no stealing for it, I myself - And some few of our friends will see you married. - - _Humph._ I would you would i'faith, for be it known - I ever was afraid to lie alone. - - _Merch._ Some three days hence, then. - - _Humph._ Three days, let me see, - 'Tis somewhat of the most, yet I agree, - Because I mean against the 'pointed day, - To visit all my friends in new array. - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - -_Serv._ Sir, there's a gentlewoman without would speak with your worship. - -_Merch._ What is she? - -_Serv._ Sir, I asked her not. - -_Merch._ Bid her come in. - -_Enter_ MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL. - -_Mist. Mer._ Peace be to your worship, I come as a poor suitor to you, -sir, in the behalf of this child. - -_Merch._ Are you not wife to Merry-thought? - -_Mist. Mer._ Yes truly, would I had ne'er seen his eyes, he has undone me -and himself, and his children, and there he lives at home and sings and -hoits, and revels among his drunken companions; but I warrant you, where -to get a penny to put bread in his mouth, he knows not. And therefore if -it like your worship, I would entreat your letter to the honest host of -the Bell in Waltham, that I may place my child under the protection of -his tapster, in some settled course of life. - - _Merch._ I'm glad the Heav'ns have heard my prayers. Thy husband, - When I was ripe in sorrows, laughed at me; - Thy son, like an unthankful wretch, I having - Redeem'd him from his fall, and made him mine, - To show his love again, first stole my daughter: - Then wrong'd this gentleman, and last of all - Gave me that grief, had almost brought me down - Unto my grave, had not a stronger hand - Reliev'd my sorrows. Go, and weep as I did, - And be unpitied, for here I profess - An everlasting hate to all thy name. - -_Mist. Mer._ Will you so, sir, how say you by that? Come, Mick, let him -keep his wind to cool his pottage; we'll go to thy nurse's, Mick, she -knits silk stockings, boy; and we'll knit too, boy, and be beholding to -none of them all. - - [_Exeunt_ MICHAEL _and_ MOTHER. - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a letter_. - -_Boy._ Sir, I take it you are the master of this house. - -_Merch._ How then, boy? - -_Boy._ Then to yourself, sir, comes this letter. - -_Merch._ From whom, my pretty boy? - - _Boy._ From him that was your servant, but no more - Shall that name ever be, for he is dead. - Grief of your purchas'd anger broke his heart; - I saw him die, and from his hand receiv'd - This paper, with a charge to bring it hither; - Read it, and satisfy yourself in all. - -LETTER. - -_Merch._ _Sir, that I have wronged your love I must confess, in which I -have purchas'd to myself, besides mine own undoing, the ill opinion of my -friends; let not your anger, good sir, outlive me, but suffer me to rest -in peace with your forgiveness; let my body (if a dying man may so much -prevail with you) be brought to your daughter, that she may know my hot -flames are now buried, and withal receive a testimony of the zeal I bore -her virtue. Farewell for ever, and be ever happy._--JASPER. - - God's hand is great in this. I do forgive him, - Yet am I glad he's quiet, where I hope - He will not bite again. Boy, bring the body, - And let him have his will, if that be all. - - _Boy._ 'Tis here without, sir. - - _Merch._ So, sir, if you please - You may conduct it in, I do not fear it. - - _Humph._ I'll be your usher, boy, for though I say it, - He ow'd me something once, and well did pay it. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ LUCE _alone_. - - _Luce._ If there be any punishment inflicted - Upon the miserable, more than yet I feel, - Let it together seize me, and at once - Press down my soul; I cannot bear the pain - Of these delaying tortures. Thou that art - The end of all, and the sweet rest of all, - Come, come, O Death, and bring me to thy peace, - And blot out all the memory I nourish - Both of my father and my cruel friend. - O wretched maid, still living to be wretched, - To be a say to Fortune in her changes, - And grow to number times and woes together. - How happy had I been, if being born - My grave had been my cradle? - -_Enter_ SERVANT. - - _Serv._ By your leave, - Young mistress, here's a boy hath brought a coffin, - What a would say I know not; but your father - Charg'd me to give you notice. Here they come. - -_Enter two bearing a coffin_, JASPER _in it_. - - _Luce._ For me I hope 'tis come, and 'tis most welcome. - - _Boy._ Fair mistress, let me not add greater grief - To that great store you have already; Jasper - (That whilst he liv'd was yours, now's dead, - And here inclos'd) commanded me to bring - His body hither, and to crave a tear - From those fair eyes, though he deserv'd not pity, - To deck his funeral, for so he bid me - Tell her for whom he died. - - _Luce._ He shall have many. - - [_Exeunt_ COFFIN-CARRIER _and_ BOY. - - Good friends, depart a little, whilst I take - My leave of this dead man, that once I lov'd: - Hold, yet a little, life, and then I give thee - To thy first Heav'nly Being. O my friend! - Hast thou deceiv'd me thus, and got before me? - I shall not long be after, but believe me, - Thou wert too cruel, Jasper, 'gainst thyself, - In punishing the fault I could have pardon'd, - With so untimely death; thou didst not wrong me, - But ever wert most kind, most true, most loving: - And I the most unkind, most false, most cruel. - Didst thou but ask a tear? I'll give thee all, - Even all my eyes can pour down, all my sighs, - And all myself, before thou goest from me. - These are but sparing rites; but if thy soul - Be yet about this place, and can behold - And see what I prepare to deck thee with, - It shall go up, borne on the wings of peace, - And satisfied. First will I sing thy dirge, - Then kiss thy pale lips, and then die, myself, - And fill one coffin, and one grave together. - - SONG. - - Come you whose loves are dead, - And whilst I sing, - Weep and wring - Every hand, and every head - Bind with cypress and sad yew; - Ribbons black and candles blue, - For him that was of men most true. - - Come with heavy moaning, - And on his grave - Let him have - Sacrifice of sighs and groaning; - Let him have fair flowers enow, - White and purple, green and yellow, - For him that was of men most true. - - Thou sable cloth, sad cover of my joys, - I lift thee up, and thus I meet with death. - - _Jasp._ And thus you meet the living. - - _Luce._ Save me, Heav'n! - - _Jasp._ Nay, do not fly me, fair, I am no spirit; - Look better on me, do you know me yet? - - _Luce._ O thou dear shadow of my friend! - - _Jasp._ Dear substance, - I swear I am no shadow; feel my hand, - It is the same it was: I am your Jasper, - Your Jasper that's yet living, and yet loving; - Pardon my rash attempt, my foolish proof - I put in practice of your constancy. - For sooner should my sword have drunk my blood, - And set my soul at liberty, than drawn - The least drop from that body, for which boldness - Doom me to anything; if death, I take it - And willingly. - - _Luce._ This death I'll give you for it: - So, now I'm satisfied; you are no spirit; - But my own truest, truest, truest friend, - Why do you come thus to me? - - _Jasp._ First, to see you, - Then to convey you hence. - - _Luce._ It cannot be, - For I am lock'd up here, and watch'd at all hours, - That 'tis impossible for me to 'scape. - - _Jasp._ Nothing more possible: within this coffin - Do you convey yourself; let me alone, - I have the wits of twenty men about me, - Only I crave the shelter of your closet - A little, and then fear me not; creep in - That they may presently convey you hence. - Fear nothing, dearest love, I'll be your second; - Lie close, so, all goes well yet. Boy! - - _Boy._ At hand, sir. - - _Jasp._ Convey away the coffin, and be wary. - - _Boy._ 'Tis done already. - - _Jasp._ Now must I go conjure. [_Exit._ - -_Enter_ MERCHANT. - -_Merch._ Boy, boy! - -_Boy._ Your servant, sir. - -_Merch._ Do me this kindness, boy; hold, here's a crown: before thou bury -the body of this fellow, carry it to his old merry father, and salute him -from me, and bid him sing: he hath cause. - - _Boy._ I will, sir. - - _Merch._ And then bring me word what tune he is in, - And have another crown; but do it truly. - I've fitted him a bargain, now, will vex him. - - _Boy._ God bless your worship's health, sir. - - _Merch._ Farewell, boy. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ MASTER MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Wife._ Ah, Old Merry-thought, art thou there again? Let's hear some of -thy songs. - - _Old Mer._ "Who can sing a merrier note - Than he that cannot change a groat?" - -Not a denier left, and yet my heart leaps; I do wonder yet, as old as I -am, that any man will follow a trade, or serve, that may sing and laugh, -and walk the streets. My wife and both my sons are I know not where; I -have nothing left, nor know I how to come by meat to supper, yet am I -merry still; for I know I shall find it upon the table at six o'clock; -therefore, hang thought. - - "I would not be a serving-man - To carry the cloak-bag still, - Nor would I be a falconer - The greedy hawks to fill; - But I would be in a good house, - And have a good master too; - But I would eat and drink of the best, - And no work would I do." - -This is it that keeps life and soul together, mirth. This is the -philosopher's stone that they write so much on, that keeps a man ever -young. - -_Enter a_ BOY. - -_Boy._ Sir, they say they know all your money is gone, and they will -trust you for no more drink. - -_Old Mer._ Will they not? Let 'em choose. The best is, I have mirth at -home, and need not send abroad for that. Let them keep their drink to -themselves. - - "For Jillian of Berry, she dwells on a hill, - And she hath good beer and ale to sell, - And of good fellows she thinks no ill, - And thither will we go now, now, now, and - thither will we go now. - And when you have made a little stay, - You need not know what is to pay, - But kiss your hostess and go your way. - And thither, &c." - -_Enter another_ BOY. - -_2nd Boy._ Sir, I can get no bread for supper. - -_Old Mer._ Hang bread and supper, let's preserve our mirth, and we shall -never feel hunger, I'll warrant you; let's have a catch. Boy, follow me; -come sing this catch: - - "Ho, ho, nobody at home, - Meat, nor drink, nor money ha' we none; - Fill the pot, Eedy, - Never more need I." - -So, boys, enough, follow me; let's change our place, and we shall laugh -afresh. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ Let him go, George, a shall not have any countenance from us, -not a good word from any i' th' company, if I may strike stroke in't. - -_Cit._ No more a sha'not, love; but, Nell, I will have Ralph do a very -notable matter now, to the eternal honour and glory of all grocers. -Sirrah, you there, boy, can none of you hear? - -_Boy._ Sir, your pleasure. - -_Cit._ Let Ralph come out on May-day in the morning, and speak upon a -conduit with all his scarfs about him, and his feathers, and his rings, -and his knacks. - -_Boy._ Why, sir, you do not think of our plot, what will become of that, -then? - -_Cit._ Why, sir, I care not what become on't. I'll have him come out, -or I'll fetch him out myself, I'll have something done in honour of the -city; besides, he hath been long enough upon adventures. Bring him out -quickly, for I come amongst you---- - -_Boy._ Well, sir, he shall come out; but if our play miscarry, sir, you -are like to pay for't. - - [_Exit._ - -_Cit._ Bring him away, then. - -_Wife._ This will be brave, i'faith. George, shall not he dance the -morrice, too, for the credit of the Strand? - -_Cit._ No, sweetheart, it will be too much for the boy. Oh, there he is, -Nell; he's reasonable well in reparel, but he has not rings enough. - -_Enter_ RALPH. - - _Ralph._ "London, to thee I do present the merry month of May", - Let each true subject be content to hear me what I say: - For from the top of conduit head, as plainly may appear, - I will both tell my name to you, and wherefore I came here. - My name is Ralph, by due descent, though not ignoble I, - Yet far inferior to the flock of gracious grocery. - And by the common counsel of my fellows in the Strand, - With gilded staff, and crossed scarf, the May lord here I stand. - Rejoice, O English hearts, rejoice; rejoice, O lovers dear; - Rejoice, O city, town, and country; rejoice eke every shire; - For now the fragrant flowers do spring and sprout in seemly sort, - The little birds do sit and sing, the lambs do make fine sport; - And now the birchin tree doth bud that makes the schoolboy cry, - The morrice rings while hobby-horse doth foot it featuously: - The lords and ladies now abroad, for their disport and play, - Do kiss sometimes upon the grass, and sometimes in the hay. - Now butter with a leaf of sage is good to purge the blood, - Fly Venus and Phlebotomy, for they are neither good. - Now little fish on tender stone begin to cast their bellies, - And sluggish snail, that erst were mew'd, do creep out of their - shellies. - The rumbling rivers now do warm, for little boys to paddle, - The sturdy steed now goes to grass, and up they hang his saddle. - The heavy hart, the blowing buck, the rascal and the pricket, - Are now among the yeoman's pease, and leave the fearful thicket. - And be like them, O you, I say, of this same noble town, - And lift aloft your velvet heads, and slipping of your gown, - With bells on legs, and napkins clean unto your shoulders ty'd, - With scarfs and garters as you please, and Hey for our town! cry'd. - March out and show your willing minds, by twenty and by twenty, - To Hogsdon, or to Newington, where ale and cakes are plenty. - And let it ne'er be said for shame, that we the youths of London, - Lay thrumming of our caps at home, and left our custom undone. - Up then I say, both young and old, both man and maid a-maying, - With drums and guns that bounce aloud, and merry tabor playing. - Which to prolong, God save our king, and send his country peace, - And root out treason from the land; and so, my friends, I cease. - - * * * * * - - -ACT V.--SCENE I. - -_Enter_ MERCHANT, _solus_. - -_Merch._ I will have no great store of company at the wedding: a couple -of neighbours and their wives; and we will have a capon in stewed broth, -with marrow, and a good piece of beef, stuck with rosemary. - -_Enter_ JASPER, _with his face mealed_. - -_Jasp._ Forbear thy pains, fond man, it is too late. - -_Merch._ Heav'n bless me! Jasper! - - _Jasp._ Ay, I am his ghost, - Whom thou hast injur'd for his constant love: - Fond worldly wretch, who dost not understand - In death that true hearts cannot parted be. - First know, thy daughter is quite borne away - On wings of angels, through the liquid air - Too far out of thy reach, and never more - Shalt thou behold her face: but she and I - Will in another world enjoy our loves, - Where neither father's anger, poverty, - Nor any cross that troubles earthly men, - Shall make us sever our united hearts. - And never shalt thou sit, or be alone - In any place, but I will visit thee - With ghastly looks, and put into thy mind - The great offences which thou didst to me. - When thou art at thy table with thy friends, - Merry in heart, and fill'd with swelling wine, - I'll come in midst of all thy pride and mirth, - Invisible to all men but thyself, - And whisper such a sad tale in thine ear, - Shall make thee let the cup fall from thy hand, - And stand as mute and pale as death itself. - - _Merch._ Forgive me, Jasper! Oh! what might I do, - Tell me, to satisfy thy troubled ghost? - - _Jasp._ There is no means, too late thou think'st on this. - - _Merch._ But tell me what were best for me to do? - - _Jasp._ Repent thy deed, and satisfy my father, - And beat fond Humphrey out of thy doors. [_Exit_ JASPER. - -_Enter_ HUMPHREY. - - _Wife._ Look, George, his very ghost would have folks beaten. - - _Humph._ Father, my bride is gone, fair Mistress Luce. - My soul's the font of vengeance, mischief's sluice. - - _Merch._ Hence, fool, out of my sight, with thy fond passion - Thou hast undone me. - - _Humph._ Hold, my father dear, - For Luce thy daughter's sake, that had no peer. - - _Merch._ Thy father, fool? There's some blows more, begone. - [_Beats him._ - - Jasper, I hope thy ghost be well appeased - To see thy will perform'd; now will I go - To satisfy thy father for thy wrongs. [_Exit._ - - _Humph._ What shall I do? I have been beaten twice, - And Mistress Luce is gone. Help me, device: - Since my true love is gone, I never more, - Whilst I do live, upon the sky will pore; - But in the dark will wear out my shoe-soles - In passion, in Saint Faith's Church under Paul's. [_Exit._ - -_Wife._ George, call Ralph hither; if you love me, call Ralph hither. I -have the bravest thing for him to do, George; prithee call him quickly. - -_Cit._ Ralph, why Ralph, boy! - -_Enter_ RALPH. - -_Ralph._ Here, sir. - -_Cit._ Come hither, Ralph, come to thy mistress, boy. - -_Wife._ Ralph, I would have thee call all the youths together in -battle-ray, with drums, and guns, and flags, and march to Mile End in -pompous fashion, and there exhort your soldiers to be merry and wise, -and to keep their beards from burning, Ralph; and then skirmish, and let -your flags fly, and cry, Kill, kill, kill! My husband shall lend you his -jerkin, Ralph, and there's a scarf; for the rest, the house shall furnish -you, and we'll pay for't: do it bravely, Ralph, and think before whom you -perform, and what person you represent. - -_Ralph._ I warrant you, mistress, if I do it not, for the honour of the -city, and the credit of my master, let me never hope for freedom. - -_Wife._ 'Tis well spoken i'faith; go thy ways, thou art a spark indeed. - -_Cit._ Ralph, double your files bravely, Ralph. - - _Ralph._ I warrant you, sir. [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Cit._ Let him look narrowly to his service, I shall take him else; I was -there myself a pike-man once, in the hottest of the day, wench; had my -feather shot sheer away, the fringe of my pike burnt off with powder, my -pate broken with a scouring-stick, and yet I thank God I am here. [_Drum -within._ - -_Wife._ Hark, George, the drums! - -_Cit._ Ran, tan, tan, tan, ran tan. Oh, wench, an' thou hadst but seen -little Ned of Aldgate, drum Ned, how he made it roar again, and laid on -like a tyrant, and then struck softly till the Ward came up, and then -thundered again, and together we go: "Sa, sa, sa," bounce quoth the guns; -"Courage, my hearts," quoth the captains; "Saint George," quoth the -pike-men; and withal here they lay, and there they lay; and yet for all -this I am here, wench. - -_Wife._ Be thankful for it, George, for indeed 'tis wonderful. - -_Enter_ RALPH _and his Company, with drums and colours_. - -_Ralph._ March fair, my hearts; lieutenant, beat the rear up; ancient, -let your colours fly; but have a great care of the butchers' hooks at -Whitechapel, they have been the death of many a fair ancient. Open -your files, that I may take a view both of your persons and munition. -Sergeant, call a muster. - -_Serg._ A stand. William Hamerton, pewterer. - -_Ham._ Here, Captain. - -_Ralph._ A croslet and a Spanish pike; 'tis well, can you shake it with -a terror? - -_Ham._ I hope so, captain. - -_Ralph._ Charge upon me--'tis with the weakest. Put more strength, -William Hamerton, more strength. As you were again; proceed, sergeant. - -_Serg._ George Green-goose, poulterer. - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ Let me see your piece, neighbour Green-goose. When was she shot -in? - -_Green._ An' like you, master captain, I made a shot even now, partly to -scour her, and partly for audacity. - -_Ralph._ It should seem so, certainly, for her breath is yet inflamed; -besides, there is a main fault in the touch-hole, it stinketh. And I -tell you, moreover, and believe it, ten such touch-holes would poison -the army; get you a feather, neighbour, get you a feather, sweet oil and -paper, and your piece may do well enough yet. Where's your powder? - -_Green._ Here. - -_Ralph._ What, in a paper? As I am a soldier and a gentleman, it craves -a martial court: you ought to die for't. Where's your horn? Answer me to -that. - -_Green._ An't like you, sir, I was oblivious. - -_Ralph._ It likes me not it should be so; 'tis a shame for you, and a -scandal to all our neighbours, being a man of worth and estimation, to -leave your horn behind you: I am afraid 'twill breed example. But let me -tell you no more on't; stand till I view you all. What's become o' th' -nose of your flask? - -_1st Sold._ Indeed, la' captain, 'twas blown away with powder. - -_Ralph._ Put on a new one at the city's charge. Where's the flint of this -piece? - -_2nd Sold._ The drummer took it out to light tobacco. - -_Ralph._ 'Tis a fault, my friend; put it in again. You want a nose, and -you a flint; sergeant, take a note on't, for I mean to stop it in their -pay. Remove and march; soft and fair, gentlemen, soft and fair: double -your files; as you were; faces about. Now you with the sodden face, keep -in there: look to your match, sirrah, it will be in your fellow's flask -anon. So make a crescent now, advance your pikes, stand and give ear. -Gentlemen, countrymen, friends, and my fellow-soldiers, I have brought -you this day from the shop of security and the counters of content, to -measure out in these furious fields honour by the ell and prowess by the -pound. Let it not, O let it not, I say, be told hereafter, the noble -issue of this city fainted; but bear yourselves in this fair action like -men, valiant men, and free men. Fear not the face of the enemy, nor -the noise of the guns; for believe me, brethren, the rude rumbling of -a brewer's car is more terrible, of which you have a daily experience: -neither let the stink of powder offend you, since a more valiant stink is -always with you. To a resolved mind his home is everywhere. I speak not -this to take away the hope of your return; for you shall see (I do not -doubt it), and that very shortly, your loving wives again, and your sweet -children, whose care doth bear you company in baskets. Remember, then, -whose cause you have in hand, and like a sort of true-born scavengers, -scour me this famous realm of enemies. I have no more to say but this: -Stand to your tacklings, lads, and show to the world you can as well -brandish a sword as shake an apron. Saint George, and on, my hearts! - - _Omnes._ Saint George, Saint George! [_Exeunt._ - -_Wife._ 'Twas well done, Ralph; I'll send thee a cold capon a field, and -a bottle of March beer; and, it may be, come myself to see thee. - -_Cit._ Nell, the boy hath deceived me much; I did not think it had been -in him. He has perform'd such a matter, wench, that, if I live, next year -I'll have him Captain of the Gallifoist, or I'll want my will. - -_Enter_ OLD MERRY-THOUGHT. - -_Old Mer._ Yet, I thank God, I break not a wrinkle more than I had; not a -stoop, boys. Care, live with cats, I defy thee! My heart is as sound as -an oak; and tho' I want drink to wet my whistle, I can sing, - - "Come no more there, boys; come no more there: - For we shall never, whilst we live, come any more there." - -_Enter a_ BOY _with a coffin_. - -_Boy._ God save you, sir. - -_Old Mer._ It's a brave boy. Canst thou sing? - -_Boy._ Yes, sir, I can sing, but 'tis not so necessary at this time. - - _Old Mer._ "Sing we, and chaunt it, - Whilst love doth grant it." - -_Boy._ Sir, sir, if you knew what I have brought you, you would have -little list to sing. - - _Old Mer._ "Oh, the Mimon round, - Full long I have thee sought, - And now I have thee found, - And what hast thou here brought?" - - _Boy._ A coffin, sir, and your dead son Jasper in it. - - _Old Mer._ Dead! - - "Why farewell he: - Thou wast a bonny boy, - And I did love thee." - -_Enter_ JASPER. - -_Jasp._ Then I pray you, sir, do so still. - - _Old Mer._ Jasper's ghost! - - "Thou art welcome from Stygian-lake so soon, - Declare to me what wondrous things - In Pluto's Court are done." - -_Jasp._ By my troth, sir, I ne'er came there, 'tis too hot for me, sir. - -_Old Mer._ A merry ghost, a very merry ghost. - -"And where is your true love? Oh, where is yours?" - - _Jasp._ Marry look you, sir. [_Heaves up the coffin._ - - _Old Mer._ Ah ha! Art thou good at that i'faith? - "With hey trixie terlerie-whiskin, - The world it runs on wheels; - When the young man's frisking - Up goes the maiden's heels." - - MISTRESS MERRY-THOUGHT _and_ MICHAEL _within_. - - _Mist. Mer._ What, Mr. Merry-thought, will you not let's in? - What do you think shall become of us? - -_Old Mer._ What voice is that that calleth at our door? - -_Mist. Mer._ You know me well enough, I am sure I have not been such a -stranger to you. - - _Old Mer._ "And some they whistled, and some they sung, - Hey down, down: - And some did loudly say, - Ever as the Lord Barnet's horn blew, - Away, Musgrave, away." - -_Mist. Mer._ You will not have us starve here, will you, Master -Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ Nay, good sir, be persuaded, she is my mother. If her offences -have been great against you, let your own love remember she is yours, and -so forgive her. - -_Luce._ Good Master Merry-thought, let me entreat you, I will not be -denied. - -_Mist. Mer._ Why, Master Merry-thought, will you be a vext thing still? - -_Old Mer._ Woman, I take you to my love again, but you shall sing before -you enter; therefore despatch your song, and so come in. - -_Mist. Mer._ Well, you must have your will when all's done. Michael, what -song canst thou sing, boy? - -_Mich._ I can sing none forsooth but "A Lady's Daughter of Paris," -properly. - - _Mist. Mer._ [song.] "It was a lady's daughter," &c. - - _Old Mer._ Come, you're welcome home again. - "If such danger be in playing, - And jest must to earnest turn, - You shall go no more a-maying"---- - -_Merch._ [within.] Are you within, Sir Master Merry-thought? - -_Jasp._ It is my master's voice, good sir; go hold him in talk whilst we -convey ourselves into some inward room. - -_Old Mer._ What are you? Are you merry? You must be very merry if you -enter. - -_Merch._ I am, sir. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, then. - -_Merch._ Nay, good sir, open to me. - -_Old Mer._ Sing, I say, or by the merry heart you come not in. - - _Merch._ Well, sir, I'll sing. - "Fortune my foe," &c. - -_Old Mer._ You are welcome, sir, you are welcome: you see your -entertainment, pray you be merry. - - _Merch._ Oh, Master Merry-thought, I'm come to ask you - Forgiveness for the wrongs I offered you, - And your most virtuous son; they're infinite, - Yet my contrition shall be more than they. - I do confess my hardness broke his heart, - For which just Heav'n hath given me punishment - More than my age can carry; his wand'ring sprite, - Not yet at rest, pursues me everywhere, - Crying, I'll haunt thee for thy cruelty. - My daughter she is gone, I know not how. - Taken invisible, and whether living, - Or in grave, 'tis yet uncertain to me. - Oh, Master Merry-thought, these are the weights - Will sink me to my grave. Forgive me, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Why, sir, I do forgive you, and be merry. - And if the wag in's lifetime play'd the knave, - Can you forgive him too? - - _Merch._ With all my heart, sir. - - _Old Mer._ Speak it again, and heartily. - - _Merch._ I do, sir. - Now by my soul I do. - - _Old Mer._ "With that came out his paramour, - She was as white as the lily flower, - Hey troul, troly loly. - With that came out her own dear knight, - He was as true as ever did fight," &c. - -_Enter_ LUCE _and_ JASPER. - -Sir, if you will forgive 'em, clap their hands together, there's no more -to be said i' th' matter. - -_Merch._ I do, I do! - -_Cit._ I do not like this. Peace, boys, hear me one of you, everybody's -part is come to an end but Ralph's, and he's left out. - -_Boy._ 'Tis long of yourself, sir, we have nothing to do with his part. - -_Cit._ Ralph, come away, make on him as you have done of the rest, boys, -come. - -_Wife_. Now, good husband, let him come out and die. - -_Cit._ He shall, Nell; Ralph, come away quickly and die, boy. - -_Boy._ 'Twill be very unfit he should die, sir, upon no occasion, and in -a comedy too. - -_Cit._ Take you no care for that, Sir Boy; is not his part at an end, -think you, when he's dead? Come away, Ralph. - -_Enter_ RALPH _with a forked arrow through his head._ - - _Ralph._ When I was mortal, this my costive corps - Did lap up figs and raisins in the Strand, - Where sitting, I espy'd a lovely dame, - Whose master wrought with lingel and with awl, - And underground he vamped many a boot. - Straight did her love prick forth me, tender sprig, - To follow feats of arms in warlike wise, - Through Waltham Desert; where I did perform - Many achievements, and did lay on ground - Huge Barbaroso, that insulting giant, - And all his captives soon set at liberty. - Then honour prick'd me from my native soil - Into Moldavia, where I gain'd the love - Of Pompiana, his beloved daughter; - But yet prov'd constant to the black-thumbed maid - Susan, and scorned Pompiana's love. - Yet liberal I was, and gave her pins, - And money for her father's officers. - I then returned home, and thrust myself - In action, and by all men chosen was - The Lord of May, where I did flourish it, - With scarfs and rings, and posie in my hand. - After this action I preferred was, - And chosen City Captain at Mile End, - With hat and feather, and with leading staff, - And train'd my men, and brought them all off clean, - Save one man that berayed him with the noise. - But all these things I, Ralph, did undertake, - Only for my beloved Susan's sake. - Then coming home, and sitting in my shop - With apron blue, Death came unto my stall - To cheapen aquavitae, but ere I - Could take the bottle down, and fill a taste, - Death caught a pound of pepper in his hand, - And sprinkled all my face and body o'er, - And in an instant vanished away. - - _Cit._ 'Tis a pretty fiction, i'faith. - - _Ralph._ Then took I up my bow and shaft in hand, - And walked in Moorfields to cool myself, - But there grim cruel Death met me again, - And shot his forked arrow through my head. - And now I faint; therefore be warn'd by me, - My fellows every one, of forked heads. - Farewell, all you good boys in merry London, - Ne'er shall we more upon Shrove Tuesday meet, - And pluck down houses of iniquity. - My pain increaseth: I shall never more - When clubs are cried be brisk upon my legs, - Nor daub a satin gown with rotten eggs. - Set up a stake, oh never more I shall; - I die! Fly, fly, my soul, to Grocers Hall! Oh, oh, oh, &c. - -_Wife._ Well said, Ralph, do your obeisance to the gentlemen, and go your -ways. Well said, Ralph. - - [_Exit_ RALPH. - -_Old Mer._ Methinks all we, thus kindly and unexpectedly reconciled, -should not part without a song. - -_Merch._ A good motion. - -_Old Mer._ Strike up, then. - -SONG. - - Better music ne'er was known, - Than a quire of hearts in one. - Let each other, that hath been - Troubled with the gall or spleen, - Learn of us to keep his brow - Smooth and plain, as yours are now. - Sing though before the hour of dying, - He shall rise, and then be crying - Heyho, 'tis nought but mirth - That keeps the body from the earth. [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUS. - -_Cit._ Come, Nell, shall we go? The play's done. - -_Wife._ Nay, by my faith, George, I have more manners than so, I'll speak -to these gentlemen first. I thank you all, gentlemen, for your patience -and countenance to Ralph, a poor fatherless child, and if I may see you -at my house, it should go hard but I would have a pottle of wine, and a -pipe of tobacco for you, for truly I hope you like the youth, but I would -be glad to know the truth. I refer it to your own discretions, whether -you will applaud him or no, for I will wink, and whilst, you shall do -what you will.--I thank you with all my heart: God give you good night. -Come, George. - - - - -THE REHEARSAL. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - BAYES. - JOHNSON. - SMITH. - _Two Kings of Brentford_. - PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - _Gentleman-Usher_. - _Physician_. - DRAWCANSIR. - _General_. - _Lieutenant-General_. - CORDELIO. - TOM THIMBLE. - _Fisherman_. - _Sun_. - _Thunder_. - _Players_. - _Soldiers_. - _Two Heralds_. - _Four Cardinals_. } - _Mayor_. } Mutes - _Judges_ } - _Serjeant-at-Arms_. } - AMARYLLIS. - CLORIS. - PARTHENOPE. - PALLAS. - _Lightning_. - _Moon_. - _Earth_. - Attendants of Men and Women. - - SCENE.--BRENTFORD. - - -PROLOGUE. - - We might well call this short mock-play of ours, - A posy made of weeds instead of flowers; - Yet such have been presented to your noses, - And there are such, I fear, who thought 'em roses. - Would some of 'em were here, to see, this night, - What stuff it is in which they took delight. - Here brisk insipid rogues, for wit, let fall - Sometimes dull sense; but oft'ner none at all. - There, strutting heroes, with a grim-fac'd train, - Shall brave the gods, in King Cambyses' vein. - For (changing rules, of late, as if man writ - In spite of reason, nature, art and wit) - Our poets make us laugh at tragedy, - And with their comedies they make us cry. - Now critics, do your worst, that here are met; - For, like a rook, I have hedg'd in my bet. - If you approve, I shall assume the state - Of those high-flyers whom I imitate: - And justly too, for I will teach you more - Than ever they would let you know before. - I will not only show the feats they do, - But give you all their reasons for 'em too. - Some honour may to me from hence arise; - But if, by my endeavours you grow wise, - And what you once so prais'd, shall now despise; - Then I'll cry out, swell'd with poetic rage, - 'Tis I, John Lacy, have reform'd your stage. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - -JOHNSON _and_ SMITH. - -_Johns._ Honest Frank! I am glad to see thee with all my heart: how long -hast thou been in town? - -_Smith._ Faith, not above an hour: and, if I had not met you here, I -had gone to look you out; for I long to talk with you freely of all the -strange new things we have heard in the country. - -_Johns._ And, by my troth, I have long'd as much to laugh with you at all -the impertinent, dull, fantastical things, we are tired out with here. - -_Smith._ Dull and fantastical! that's an excellent composition. Pray, -what are our men of business doing? - -_Johns._ I ne'er inquire after 'em. Thou knowest my humour lies another -way. I love to please myself as much, and to trouble others as little as -I can; and therefore do naturally avoid the company of those solemn fops, -who, being incapable of reason, and insensible of wit and pleasure, are -always looking grave, and troubling one another, in hopes to be thought -men of business. - -_Smith._ Indeed, I have ever observed, that your grave lookers are the -dullest of men. - -_Johns._ Ay, and of birds and beasts too: your gravest bird is an owl, -and your gravest beast is an ass. - -_Smith._ Well: but how dost thou pass thy time? - -_Johns._ Why, as I used to do; eat, drink as well as I can, have a friend -to chat with in the afternoon, and sometimes see a play; where there are -such things, Frank, such hideous, monstrous things, that it has almost -made me forswear the stage, and resolve to apply myself to the solid -nonsense of your men of business, as the more ingenious pastime. - -_Smith._ I have heard, indeed, you have had lately many new plays; and -our country wits commend 'em. - -_Johns._ Ay, so do some of our city wits too; but they are of the new -kind of wits. - -_Smith._ New kind! what kind is that? - -_Johns._ Why, your virtuousi; your civil persons, your drolls; fellows -that scorn to imitate nature; but are given altogether to elevate and -surprise. - -_Smith._ Elevate and surprise! prithee, make me understand the meaning of -that. - -_Johns._ Nay, by my troth, that's a hard matter: I don't understand -that myself. 'Tis a phrase they have got among them, to express their -no-meaning by. I'll tell you, as near as I can, what it is. Let me see; -'tis fighting, loving, sleeping, rhyming, dying, dancing, singing, -crying; and everything, but thinking and sense. - -MR. BAYES _passes over the stage_. - -_Bayes._ Your most obsequious, and most observant, very servant, sir. - -_Johns._ Odso, this is an author. I'll go fetch him to you. - -_Smith._ No, prithee let him alone. - -_Johns._ Nay, by the Lord, I'll have him. [_Goes after him._ Here he is; -I have caught him. Pray, sir, now for my sake, will you do a favour to -this friend of mine? - -_Bayes._ Sir, it is not within my small capacity to do favours, but -receive 'em; especially from a person that does wear the honourable title -you are pleased to impose, sir, upon this--sweet sir, your servant. - -_Smith._ Your humble servant, sir. - -_Johns._ But wilt thou do me a favour, now? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, what is't? - -_Johns._ Why, to tell him the meaning of thy last play. - -_Bayes._ How, sir, the meaning? Do you mean the plot? - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; anything. - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, the intrigo's now quite out of my head; but I have -a new one in my pocket that I may say is a virgin; it has never yet been -blown upon. I must tell you one thing: 'tis all new wit, and, though I -say it, a better than my last; and you know well enough how that took. -In fine, it shall read, and write, and act, and plot, and show, ay, and -pit, box, and gallery, egad, with any play in Europe.[1] This morning is -its last rehearsal, in their habits, and all that, as it is to be acted; -and if you and your friend will do it but the honour to see it in its -virgin attire; though, perhaps, it may blush, I shall not be ashamed to -discover its nakedness unto you. I think it is in this pocket. [_Puts his -hand in his pocket._ - -_Johns._ Sir, I confess I am not able to answer you in this new way; -but if you please to lead, I shall be glad to follow you, and I hope my -friend will do so too. - -_Smith._ Sir, I have no business so considerable as should keep me from -your company. - -_Bayes._ Yes, here it is. No, cry you mercy: this is my book of Drama -Commonplaces, the mother of many other plays. - -_Johns._ Drama Commonplaces! pray what's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, some certain helps that we men of art have found it -convenient to make use of. - -_Smith._ How, sir, helps for wit? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, that's my position. And I do here aver that no man yet -the sun e'er shone upon has parts sufficient to furnish out a stage, -except it were by the help of these my rules.[2] - -_Johns._ What are those rules, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my first rule is the rule of transversion, or Regula -Duplex; changing verse into prose, or prose into verse, _alternative_ as -you please. - -_Smith._ Well; but how is this done by a rule, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why thus, sir; nothing so easy when understood. I take a book in -my hand, either at home or elsewhere, for that's all one; if there be any -wit in't, as there is no book but has some, I transverse it; that is, if -it be prose, put it into verse (but that takes up some time), and if it -be verse, put it into prose. - -_Johns._ Methinks, Mr. Bayes, that putting verse into prose should be -called transprosing. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, 'tis a very good notion; and hereafter it -shall be so. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, and what d'ye do with it then? - -_Bayes._ Make it my own. 'Tis so changed that no man can know it. My next -rule is the rule of record, by way of table-book. Pray observe. - -_Johns._ We hear you, sir; go on. - -_Bayes._ As thus. I come into a coffee-house, or some other place where -witty men resort, I make as if I minded nothing; do you mark? but as soon -as any one speaks, pop I slap it down, and make that too my own. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, are you not sometimes in danger of their making -you restore, by force, what you have gotten thus by art? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; the world's unmindful: they never take notice of these -things. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, among all your other rules, have you no one -rule for invention? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, that's my third rule that I have here in my pocket. - -_Smith._ What rule can that be, I wonder? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, when I have anything to invent, I never trouble my -head about it, as other men do; but presently turn over this book, -and there I have, at one view, all that Persius, Montaigne, Seneca's -Tragedies, Horace, Juvenal, Claudian, Pliny, Plutarch's Lives, and the -rest, have ever thought upon this subject: and so, in a trice, by leaving -out a few words, or putting in others of my own, the business is done. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, this is as sure and compendious a way of wit -as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you make the least scruples of the efficacy of these my -rules, do but come to the playhouse, and you shall judge of 'em by the -effects. - -_Smith._ We'll follow you, sir. [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter three_ PLAYERS _on the stage_. - -_1st Play._ Have you your part perfect? - -_2nd Play._ Yes, I have it without book; but I don't understand how it is -to be spoken. - -_3rd Play._ And mine is such a one, as I can't guess for my life what -humour I'm to be in; whether angry, melancholy, merry, or in love. I -don't know what to make on't. - -_1st Play._ Phoo! the author will be here presently, and he'll tell us -all. You must know, this is the new way of writing, and these hard things -please forty times better than the old plain way. For, look you, sir, -the grand design upon the stage is to keep the auditors in suspense; for -to guess presently at the plot, and the sense, tires them before the end -of the first act: now here, every line surprises you, and brings in new -matter. And then, for scenes, clothes, and dances, we put quite down all -that ever went before us; and those are the things, you know, that are -essential to a play. - -_2nd Play._ Well, I am not of thy mind; but, so it gets us money, 'tis no -great matter. - -_Enter_ BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Come, come in, gentlemen. You're very welcome, Mr.--a--. Ha' you -your part ready? - -_1st Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ But do you understand the true humour of it? - -_1st Play._ Ay, sir, pretty well. - -_Bayes._ And Amaryllis, how does she do? does not her armour become her? - -_3rd Play._ Oh, admirably! - -_Bayes._ I'll tell you now a pretty conceit. What do you think I'll make -'em call her anon, in this play? - -_Smith._ What, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I make 'em call her Armaryllis, because of her armour: ha, -ha, ha! - -_Johns._ That will be very well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a pretty little rogue; but--a--come, let's sit down. -Look you, sirs, the chief hinge of this play, upon which the whole -plot moves and turns, and that causes the variety of all the several -accidents, which, you know, are the things in nature that make up the -grand refinement of a play, is, that I suppose two kings of the same -place; as for example, at Brentford, for I love to write familiarly. Now -the people having the same relations to 'em both, the same affections, -the same duty, the same obedience, and all that, are divided among -themselves in point of devoir and interest, how to behave themselves -equally between 'em: these kings differing sometimes in particular; -though, in the main, they agree. (I know not whether I make myself well -understood.) - -_Johns._ I did not observe you, sir: pray say that again. - -_Bayes._ Why, look you, sir (nay, I beseech you be a little curious in -taking notice of this, or else you'll never understand my notion of -the thing), the people being embarrass'd by their equal ties to both, -and the sovereigns concern'd in a reciprocal regard, as well to their -own interest, as the good of the people, make a certain kind of a--you -understand me--upon which, there do arise several disputes, turmoils, -heart-burnings, and all that--in fine, you'll apprehend it better when -you see it. - - [_Exit, to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ I find the author will be very much obliged to the players, if -they can make any sense out of this. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I would fain ask your opinion of one thing. -I have made a prologue and an epilogue, which may both serve for -either; that is, the prologue for the epilogue, or the epilogue for the -prologue;[3] (do you mark?) nay, they may both serve too, egad, for any -other play as well as this. - -_Smith._ Very well; that's indeed artificial. - -_Bayes._ And I would fain ask your judgments, now, which of them would -do best for the prologue? for, you must know there is, in nature, but -two ways of making very good prologues: the one is by civility, by -insinuation, good language, and all that, to--a--in a manner, steal your -plaudit from the courtesy of the auditors: the other, by making use of -some certain personal things, which may keep a hank upon such censuring -persons, as cannot otherways, egad, in nature, be hindered from being -too free with their tongues. To which end, my first prologue is, that I -come out in a long black veil, and a great huge hangman behind me, with a -furr'd cap, and his sword drawn; and there tell 'em plainly, that if out -of good-nature, they will not like my play, egad, I'll e'en kneel down, -and he shall cut my head off. Whereupon they all clapping--a-- - -_Smith._ Ay, but suppose they don't. - -_Bayes._ Suppose! sir, you may suppose what you please; I have nothing -to do with your suppose, sir; nor am at all mortified at it; not at all, -sir; egad, not one jot, sir. Suppose, quoth-a!--ha, ha, ha! [_Walks away._ - -_Johns._ Phoo! prithee, Bayes, don't mind what he says; he is a fellow -newly come out of the country, he knows nothing of what's the relish, -here, of the town. - -_Bayes._ If I writ, sir, to please the country, I should have follow'd -the old plain way; but I write for some persons of quality, and peculiar -friends of mine, that understand what flame and power in writing is; and -they do me the right, sir, to approve of what I do. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, they will clap, I warrant you; never fear it. - -_Bayes._ I'm sure the design's good; that cannot be denied. And then, -for language, egad, I defy 'em all, in nature, to mend it. Besides, sir, -I have printed above a hundred sheets of paper to insinuate the plot -into the boxes;[4] and, withal, have appointed two or three dozen of my -friends to be ready in the pit, who, I'm sure, will clap, and so the -rest, you know, must follow; and then, pray, sir, what becomes of your -suppose? Ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Nay, if the business be so well laid, it cannot miss. - -_Bayes._ I think so, sir; and therefore would choose this to be the -prologue. For, if I could engage 'em to clap, before they see the play, -you know it would be so much the better; because then they were engag'd; -for let a man write ever so well, there are, now-a-days, a sort of -persons they call critics, that, egad, have no more wit in them than so -many hobby-horses; but they'll laugh at you, sir, and find fault, and -censure things that, egad, I'm sure, they are not able to do themselves. -A sort of envious persons that emulate the glories of persons of parts, -and think to build their fame by calumniating of persons[5] that, egad, -to my knowledge, of all persons in the world, are, in nature, the persons -that do as much despise all that as--a-- In fine, I'll say no more of 'em. - -_Johns._ Nay, you have said enough of 'em, in all conscience; I'm sure -more than they'll e'er be able to answer. - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, sir, sincerely and _bona fide_, were it not -for the sake of some ingenious persons and choice female spirits, that -have a value for me, I would see 'em all hang'd, egad, before I would -e'er more set pen to paper, but let 'em live in ignorance like ingrates. - -_Johns._ Ay, marry! that were a way to be reveng'd of 'em indeed; and, if -I were in your place, now, I would do so. - -_Bayes._ No, sir; there are certain ties upon me that I cannot be -disengag'd from;[6] otherwise, I would. But pray, sir, how do you like my -hangman? - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, I should like him very well. - -_Bayes._ By how do you like it, sir? (for, I see, you can judge) would -you have it for a prologue, or the epilogue? - -_Johns._ Faith, sir, 'tis so good, let it e'en serve for both. - -_Bayes._ No, no; that won't do. Besides, I have made another. - -_Johns._ What other, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my other is Thunder and Lightning. - -_Johns._ That's greater; I'd rather stick to that. - -_Bayes._ Do you think so? I'll tell you then; tho' there have been many -witty prologues written of late, yet, I think, you'll say this is a _non -pareillo_: I'm sure nobody has hit upon it yet. For here, sir, I make -my prologue to be a dialogue; and as, in my first, you see, I strive to -oblige the auditors by civility, by good nature, good language, and all -that; so, in this, by the other way, _in terrorem_, I choose for the -persons Thunder and Lightning. Do you apprehend the conceit? - -_Johns._ Phoo, phoo! then you have it cock-sure. They'll be hang'd before -they'll dare affront an author that has 'em at that lock. - -_Bayes._ I have made, too, one of the most delicate dainty similes in the -whole world, egad, if I knew but how to apply it. - -_Smith._ Let's hear it, I pray you. - - _Bayes._ 'Tis an allusion to love. - [7]"So boar and sow, when any storm is nigh, - Snuff up, and smell it gath'ring in the sky; - Boar beckons sow to trot in chestnut-groves, - And there consummate their unfinish'd loves: - Pensive in mud they wallow all alone, - And snore and gruntle to each other's moan." - - How do you like it now, ha? - -_Johns._ Faith, 'tis extraordinary fine; and very applicable to Thunder -and Lightning, methinks, because it speaks of a storm. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and so it does, now I think on't: Mr. Johnson, I thank -you; and I'll put it in _profecto_. Come out, Thunder and Lightning. - -_Enter_ THUNDER _and_ LIGHTNING. - -_Thun._ I am the bold Thunder. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Cartwright, prithee speak that a little louder, and with a -hoarse voice. I am the bold _Thunder_: pshaw! speak it me in a voice that -thunders it out indeed: I am the bold _Thunder_. - - _Thun._ I am the bold _Thunder_.[8] - - _Light._ The brisk Lightning, I. - - _Bayes._ Nay, you must be quick and nimble. - The brisk _Lightning_, I. That's my meaning. - - _Thun._ I am the bravest Hector of the sky. - - _Light._ And I fair Helen, that made Hector die. - - _Thun._ I strike men down. - - _Light._ I fire the town. - - _Thun._ Let critics take heed how they grumble, - For then begin I for to rumble. - - _Light._ Let the ladies allow us their graces, - Or I'll blast all the paint on their faces, - And dry up their petre to soot. - - _Thun._ Let the critics look to't. - - _Light._ Let the ladies look to't.[9] - - _Thun._ For Thunder will do't. - - _Light._ For Lightning will shoot. - - _Thun._ I'll give you dash for dash. - - _Light._ I'll give you flash for flash. - Gallants, I'll singe your feather. - - _Thun._ I'll thunder you together. - -_Both._ Look to't, look to't; we'll do't, we'll do't. Look to't, we'll -do't. - - [_Twice or thrice repeated._ - [_Exeunt ambo._ - -_Bayes._ There's no more. 'Tis but a flash of a prologue: a droll. - -_Smith._ Yes, 'tis short indeed; but very terrible. - -_Bayes._ Ay, when the simile's in, it will do to a miracle, egad. Come, -come, begin the play. - -_Enter_ FIRST PLAYER. - -_1st Play._ Sir, Mr. Ivory is not come yet; but he'll be here presently, -he's but two doors off.[10] - -_Bayes._ Come then, gentlemen, let's go out and take a pipe of tobacco. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT II.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, JOHNSON, _and_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Now, sir, because I'll do nothing here that ever was done -before, instead of beginning with a scene that discovers something of the -plot, I begin this play with a whisper.[11] - -_Smith._ Umph! very new indeed. - -_Bayes._ Come, take your seats. Begin, sirs. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Phys._ Sir, by your habit, I should guess you to be the Gentleman-usher -of this sumptuous place. - -_Ush._ And by your gait and fashion, I should almost suspect you rule -the healths of both our noble kings, under the notion of Physician. - -_Phys._ You hit my function right. - -_Ush._ And you mine. - -_Phys._ Then let's embrace. - -_Ush._ Come. - -_Phys._ Come. - -_Johns._ Pray, sir, who are those so very civil persons? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the gentleman-usher and physician of the two kings of -Brentford. - -_Johns._ But, pray then, how comes it to pass, that they know one another -no better? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's for the better carrying on of the plot. - -_Johns._ Very well. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude. - -_Smith._ What, before he begins? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, you must know they had been talking of this a pretty -while without. - -_Smith._ Where? in the tyring-room? - -_Bayes._ Why, ay, sir. He's so dull! come, speak again. - -_Phys._ Sir, to conclude, the place you fill has more than amply exacted -the talents of a wary pilot; and all these threat'ning storms, which, -like impregnate clouds, hover o'er our heads, will (when they once are -grasped but by the eye of reason) melt into fruitful showers of blessings -on the people. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark that allegory. Is not that good? - -_Johns._ Yes, that grasping of a storm with the eye is admirable. - - _Phys._ But yet some rumours great are stirring; and if Lorenzo - should prove false (which none but the great gods can tell), you - then perhaps would find that---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now he whispers. - - _Ush._ Alone do you say? - - _Phys._ No, attended with the noble---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Again. - - _Ush._ Who, he in grey? - - _Phys._ Yes, and at the head of---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Pray mark. - - _Ush._ Then, sir, most certain 'twill in time appear, - These are the reasons that have mov'd him to't; - First, he---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ Now the other whispers. - - _Ush._ Secondly, they---- [_Whispers._ - - _Bayes._ At it still. - - _Ush._ Thirdly, and lastly, both he and they---- [_Whispers._ - -_Bayes._ Now they both whisper. [_Exeunt whispering._ Now, gentlemen, -pray tell me true, and without flattery, is not this a very odd beginning -of a play? - -_Johns._ In troth, I think it is, sir. But why two kings of the same -place? - -_Bayes._ Why, because it's new, and that's it I aim at. I despise your -Jonson and Beaumont, that borrowed all they writ from nature: I am for -fetching it purely out of my own fancy, I. - -_Smith._ But what think you of Sir John Suckling? - -_Bayes._ By gad, I am a better poet than he. - -_Smith._ Well, sir, but pray why all this whispering? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir (besides that it is new, as I told you before), because -they are supposed to be politicians, and matters of state ought not to be -divulg'd. - -_Smith._ But then, sir, why---- - -_Bayes._ Sir, if you'll but respite your curiosity till the end of the -fifth act, you'll find it a piece of patience not ill recompensed. - -[_Goes to the door._ - -_Johns._ How dost thou like this, Frank? Is it not just as I told thee? - -_Smith._ Why, I never did before this see anything in nature, and all -that (as Mr. Bayes says) so foolish, but I could give some guess at what -moved the fop to do it; but this, I confess, does go beyond my reach. - -_Johns._ It is all alike; Mr. Wintershull[12] has informed me of this -play already. And I'll tell thee, Frank, thou shalt not see one scene -here worth one farthing, or like anything thou canst imagine has ever -been the practice of the world. And then, when he comes to what he calls -good language, it is, as I told thee, very fantastical, most abominably -dull, and not one word to the purpose. - -_Smith._ It does surprise me, I'm sure, very much. - -_Johns._ Ay, but it won't do so long: by that time thou hast seen a play -or two, that I'll show thee, thou wilt be pretty well acquainted with -this new kind of foppery. - -_Smith._ Plague on't, but there's no pleasure in him: he's too gross a -fool to be laugh'd at. - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Johns._ I'll swear, Mr. Bayes, you have done this scene most admirably; -tho' I must tell you, sir, it is a very difficult matter to pen a whisper -well. - -_Bayes._ Ay, gentlemen, when you come to write yourselves, on my word, -you'll find it so. - -_Johns._ Have a care of what you say, Mr. Bayes; for Mr. Smith there, I -assure you, has written a great many fine things already. - -_Bayes._ Has he, i'fackins? why then pray, sir, how do you do when you -write? - -_Smith._ Faith, sir, for the most part, I am in pretty good health. - -_Bayes._ Ay, but I mean, what do you do when you write? - -_Smith._ I take pen, ink, and paper, and sit down. - -_Bayes._ Now I write standing; that's one thing; and then another thing -is, with what do you prepare yourself? - -_Smith._ Prepare myself! what the devil does the fool mean? - -_Bayes._ Why, I'll tell you, now, what I do. If I am to write familiar -things, as sonnets to Armida, and the like, I make use of stew'd prunes -only: but, when I have a grand design in hand, I ever take physic, and -let blood; for, when you would have pure swiftness of thought, and fiery -flights of fancy, you must have a care of the pensive part. In fine, you -must purge the stomach. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, this is a most admirable receipt for writing. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis my secret; and, in good earnest, I think one of the -best I have. - -_Smith._ In good faith, sir, and that may very well be. - -_Bayes._ May be, sir? Egad, I'm sure on't: _Experto crede Roberto._ But I -must give you this caution by the way, be sure you never take snuff,[13] -when you write. - -_Smith._ Why so, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, it spoil'd me once, egad, one of the sparkishest plays in -all England. But a friend of mine, at Gresham College, has promised to -help me to some spirit of brains, and, egad, that shall do my business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ KINGS, _hand in hand_. - -_Bayes._ Oh, these are now the two kings of Brentford; take notice of -their style, 'twas never yet upon the stage: but if you like it, I could -make a shift perhaps to show you a whole play, writ all just so. - -_1st King._ Did you observe their whispers, brother king? - - _2nd King._ I did, and heard, besides, a grave bird sing, - That they intend, sweetheart, to play us pranks. - -_Bayes._ This is now familiar, because they are both persons of the same -quality. - -_Smith._ S'death, this would make a man sick. - - _1st King._ If that design appears, - I'll lug them by the ears, - Until I make 'em crack. - -_2nd King._ And so will I, i'fack. - -_1st King._ You must begin, _Ma foy_. - -_2nd King._ Sweet sir, _Pardonnez moy_. - -_Bayes._ Mark that; I make 'em both speak French, to show their breeding. - -_Johns._ Oh, 'tis extraordinary fine! - - _2nd King._ Then spite of fate, we'll thus combined stand, - And, like two brothers, walk still hand in hand. - [_Exeunt Reges._ - -_Johns._ This is a majestic scene indeed. - -_Bayes._ Ay, 'tis a crust, a lasting crust for your rogue-critics, egad: -I would fain see the proudest of 'em all but dare to nibble at this; -egad, if they do, this shall rub their gums for 'em, I promise you. It -was I, you must know, that have written a whole play just in this very -same style; it was never acted yet. - -_Johns._ How so? - -_Bayes._ Egad, I can hardly tell you for laughing: ha, ha, ha! it is so -pleasant a story: ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ What is't? - -_Bayes._ Egad, the players refuse to act it. Ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ That's impossible! - -_Bayes._ Egad, they did it, sir; point-blank refus'd it, egad, ha, ha, ha! - -_Johns._ Fie, that was rude. - -_Bayes._ Rude! ay, egad, they are the rudest, uncivillest persons, and -all that, in the whole world, egad. Egad, there's no living with 'em. -I have written, Mr. Johnson, I do verily believe, a whole cartload of -things, every whit as good as this; and yet, I vow to gad, these insolent -rascals have turn'd 'em all back upon my hands again. - -_Johns._ Strange fellows indeed! - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, how came these two kings to know of this -whisper? for, as I remember, they were not present at it. - -_Bayes._ No, but that's the actors' fault, and not mine; for the two -kings should (a plague take 'em) have popp'd both their heads in at the -door, just as the other went off. - -_Smith._ That indeed would have done it. - -_Bayes._ Done it! ay, egad, these fellows are able to spoil the best -things in Christendom. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, I vow to gad, I have -been so highly disoblig'd by the peremptoriness of these fellows, that -I'm resolved hereafter to bend my thoughts wholly for the service of the -nursery, and mump your proud players, egad. So, now Prince Prettyman -comes in, and falls asleep, making love to his mistress; which you know -was a grand intrigue in a late play, written by a very honest gentleman, -a knight.[14] - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN. - - _Pret._ How strange a captive am I grown of late! - Shall I accuse my love, or blame my fate! - My love, I cannot; that is too divine: - And against fate what mortal dares repine?[15] - -_Enter_ CHLORIS. - - But here she comes. - Sure 'tis some blazing comet! is it not! [_Lies down._ - - _Bayes._ Blazing comet! mark that, egad, very fine! - - _Pret._ But I am so surpris'd with sleep, I cannot speak the - rest. [_Sleeps._ - -_Bayes._ Does not that, now, surprise you, to fall asleep in the nick? -his spirits exhale with the heat of his passion, and all that, and swop -he falls asleep, as you see. Now here she must make a simile. - -_Smith._ Where's the necessity of that, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ Because she's surpris'd. That's a general rule; you must ever -make a simile when you are surpris'd; 'tis the new way of writing. - - _Cloris._[16] As some tall pine, which we on AEtna find - T' have stood the rage of many a boist'rous wind, - Feeling without that flames within do play, - Which would consume his root and sap away; - He spreads his worsted arms unto the skies, - Silently grieves, all pale, repines and dies: - So shrouded up, your bright eye disappears. - Break forth, bright scorching sun, and dry my tears. - [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, methinks this simile wants a little application too. - -_Bayes._ No, faith; for it alludes to passion, to consuming, to dying, -and all that; which, you know, are the natural effects of an amour. But -I'm afraid this scene has made you sad; for, I must confess, when I writ -it, I wept myself. - -_Smith._ No truly, sir, my spirits are almost exhal'd too, and I am -likelier to fall asleep. - -PRINCE PRETTYMAN _starts up, and says_-- - - _Pret._ It is resolved! [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ That's all. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, may one be so bold as to ask you one question, now, -and you not be angry? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, sir, you may ask me anything; what you please; I vow to -gad, you do me a great deal of honour: you do not know me, if you say -that, sir. - -_Smith._ Then pray, sir, what is it that this prince here has resolved in -his sleep? - -_Bayes._ Why, I must confess, that question is well enough asked, for one -that is not acquainted with this new way of writing. But you must know, -sir, that to outdo all my fellow-writers, whereas they keep their intrigo -secret, till the very last scene before the dance; I now, sir (do you -mark me?)--a-- - -_Smith._ Begin the play, and end it, without ever opening the plot at all? - -_Bayes._ I do so, that's the very plain truth on't: ha, ha, ha! I do, -egad. If they cannot find it out themselves, e'en let 'em alone for -Bayes, I warrant you. But here, now, is a scene of business: pray observe -it; for I dare say you'll think it no unwise discourse this, nor ill -argued. To tell you true, 'tis a discourse I overheard once betwixt two -grand, sober, governing persons. - - -SCENE IV. - -_Enter_ GENTLEMAN-USHER _and_ PHYSICIAN. - -_Ush._ Come, sir; let's state the matter of fact, and lay our heads -together. - -_Phys._ Right; lay our heads together. I love to be merry sometimes; but -when a knotty point comes, I lay my head close to it, with a snuff-box in -my hand; and then I fegue it away, i'faith. - -_Bayes._ I do just so, egad, always. - -_Ush._ The grand question is, whether they heard us whisper? which I -divide thus. - -_Phys._ Yes, it must be divided so indeed. - -_Smith._ That's very complaisant, I swear, Mr. Bayes, to be of another -man's opinion, before he knows what it is. - -_Bayes._ Nay, I bring in none here but well-bred persons, I assure you. - -_Ush._ I divide the question into when they heard, what they heard, and -whether they heard or no. - -_Johns._ Most admirably divided, I swear! - -_Ush._ As to the when; you say, just now: so that is answer'd. Then, as -for what; why, that answers itself; for what could they hear, but what -we talk'd of? so that, naturally, and of necessity, we come to the last -question, _videlicet_, whether they heard or no. - -_Smith._ This is a very wise scene, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Ay, you have it right; they are both politicians. - -_Ush._ Pray, then, to proceed in method, let me ask you that question. - -_Phys._ No, you'll answer better; pray let me ask it you. - -_Ush._ Your will must be a law. - -_Phys._ Come, then, what is't I must ask? - -_Smith._ This politician, I perceive, Mr. Bayes, has somewhat a short -memory. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, that t'other is the main politician, -and this is but his pupil. - -_Ush._ You must ask me whether they heard us whisper. - -_Phys._ Well, I do so. - -_Ush._ Say it then. - -_Smith._ Heyday! here's the bravest work that ever I saw. - -_Johns._ This is mighty methodical. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; that's the way; 'tis the way of art; there is no other -way, egad, in business. - -_Phys._ Did they hear us whisper? - -_Ush._ Why, truly, I can't tell; there's much to be said upon the word -whisper: to whisper in Latin is _susurrare_, which is as much as to -say, to speak softly; now, if they heard us speak softly, they heard us -whisper; but then comes in the _quomodo_, the _how_; how did they hear -us whisper? why as to that, there are two ways: the one, by chance or -accident; the other, on purpose; that is, with design to hear us whisper. - -_Phys._ Nay, if they heard us that way, I'll never give them physic more. - -_Ush._ Nor I e'er more will walk abroad before 'em. - -_Bayes._ Pray mark this, for a great deal depends upon it, towards the -latter end of the play. - -_Smith._ I suppose that's the reason why you brought in this scene, Mr. -Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Partly, it was, sir; but I confess I was not unwilling, besides, -to show the world a pattern, here, how men should talk of business. - -_Johns._ You have done it exceeding well indeed. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think this will do. - -_Phys._ Well, if they heard us whisper, they will turn us out, and nobody -else will take us. - -_Smith._ Not for politicians, I dare answer for it. - - _Phys._ Let's then no more ourselves in vain bemoan: - We are not safe until we them unthrone. - - _Ush._ 'Tis right: - And, since occasion now seems debonair, - I'll seize on this, and you shall take that chair. - -[_They draw their swords, and sit in the two great chairs upon the stage._ - -_Bayes._ There's now an odd surprise; the whole state's turned quite -topsy-turvy, without any pother or stir in the whole world, egad.[17] - -_Johns._ A very silent change of government, truly, as ever I heard of. - -_Bayes._ It is so. And yet you shall see me bring 'em in again, -by-and-by, in as odd a way every jot. - -[_The Usurpers march out, flourishing their swords._ - -_Enter_ SHIRLY. - - _Shir._ Heyho! heyho! what a change is here! heyday, heyday! - I know not what to do, nor what to say.[18] [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ Mr. Bayes, in my opinion, now, that gentleman might have said -a little more upon this occasion. - -_Bayes._ No, sir, not at all; for I underwrit his part on purpose to set -off the rest. - -_Johns._ Cry you mercy, sir. - -_Smith._ But pray, sir, how came they to depose the kings so easily? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, you must know, they long had a design to do it before; -but never could put it in practice till now: and to tell you true, that's -one reason why I made 'em whisper so at first. - -_Smith._ Oh, very well; now I'm fully satisfied. - -_Bayes._ And then to show you, sir, it was not done so very easily -neither, in the next scene you shall see some fighting. - -_Smith._ Oh, oh; so then you make the struggle to be after the business -is done? - -_Bayes._ Ay. - -_Smith._ Oh, I conceive you: that, I swear, is very natural. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter four Men at one door, and four at another, with their swords -drawn._ - -_1st Sold._ Stand. Who goes there? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend. - -_1st Sold._ What friend? - -_2nd Sold._ A friend to the house. - - _1st Sold._ Fall on! [_They all kill one another._ - [_Music strikes._ - - _Bayes._ Hold, hold. [_To the music. It ceases._ - Now, here's an odd surprise: all these dead men you shall see - rise up presently, at a certain note that I have, in _effaut flat_, - and fall a-dancing. Do you hear, dead men? remember your - note in _effaut flat_. - Play on. [_To the music._ - Now, now, now! [_The music plays his note, and the dead men - rise; but cannot get in order._ - O Lord! O Lord! Out, out, out! did ever men spoil a good - thing so! no figure, no ear, no time, nothing. Udzookers, you - dance worse than the angels in "Harry the Eighth," or the fat - spirits in the "Tempest," egad. - -_1st Sold._ Why, sir, 'tis impossible to do anything in time, to this -tune. - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! impossible! Why, gentlemen, if there be any -faith in a person that's a Christian, I sat up two whole nights in -composing this air, and apting it for the business; for, if you observe, -there are two several designs in this tune: it begins swift, and ends -slow. You talk of time, and time; you shall see me do it. Look you, now: -here I am dead. - - [_Lies down flat upon his face._ - - Now mark my note _effaut flat_. Strike up, music. - Now. [_As he rises up hastily, he falls down again._ - Ah, gadzookers! I have broke my nose. - -_Johns._ By my troth, Mr. Bayes, this is a very unfortunate note of -yours, in _effaut_. - -_Bayes._ A plague on this old stage, with your nails, and your -tenter-hooks, that a gentleman can't come to teach you to act, but he -must break his nose, and his face, and the devil and all. Pray, sir, can -you help me to a wet piece of brown paper? - -_Smith._ No, indeed, sir, I don't usually carry any about me. - -_2nd Sold._ Sir, I'll go get you some within presently. - -_Bayes._ Go, go, then; I follow you. Pray dance out the dance, and I'll -be with you in a moment. Remember you dance like horse-men. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - - _Smith._ Like horse-men! what a plague can that be? - - _They dance the dance, but can make nothing of it._ - - _1st Sold._ A devil! let's try this no longer. Play my dance - that Mr. Bayes found fault with so. [_Dance, and Exeunt._ - - _Smith._ What can this fool be doing all this while about his - nose? - - _Johns._ Prithee let's go see. [_Exeunt._ - - - * * * * * - - -ACT III.--SCENE I. - -BAYES _with a paper on his nose_, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, this I do, because my fancy, in this play, is, to end -every act with a dance. - -_Smith._ Faith, that fancy is very good; but I should hardly have broke -my nose for it, tho'. - -_Johns._ That fancy I suppose is new too. - -_Bayes._ Sir, all my fancies are so. I tread upon no man's heels; but -make my flight upon my own wings, I assure you. Now, here comes in a -scene of sheer wit, without any mixture in the whole world, egad! between -Prince Prettyman and his tailor: it might properly enough be call'd a -prize of wit; for you shall see them come in one upon another snip-snap, -hit for hit, as fast as can be. First, one speaks, then presently -t'other's upon him, slap, with a repartee; then he at him again, dash -with a new conceit; and so eternally, eternally, egad, till they go quite -off the stage. [_Goes to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ What a plague does this fop mean, by his snip snap, hit for hit, -and dash! - -_Johns._ Mean! why, he never meant anything in's life; what dost talk of -meaning for? - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ Why don't you come in? - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ TOM THIMBLE.[19] - -This scene will make you die with laughing, if it be well acted, for 'tis -as full of drollery as ever it can hold. 'Tis like an orange stuff'd with -cloves, as for conceit. - -_Pret._ But prithee, Tom Thimble, why wilt thou needs marry? if nine -tailors make but one man, what work art thou cutting out here for -thyself, trow? - -_Bayes._ Good. - -_Thim._ Why, an't please your highness, if I can't make up all the work -I cut out, I shan't want journeymen enow to help me, I warrant you. - -_Bayes._ Good again. - -_Pret._ I am afraid thy journeymen, tho', Tom, won't work by the day. - -_Bayes._ Good still. - -_Thim._ However, if my wife sits but as I do, there will be no -great danger: not half so much as when I trusted you, sir, for your -coronation-suit. - -_Bayes._ Very good, i'faith. - -_Pret._ Why the times then liv'd upon trust; it was the fashion. You -would not be out of time, at such a time as that, sure: a tailor, you -know, must never be out of fashion. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Thim._ I'm sure, sir, I made your clothes in the court-fashion, for you -never paid me yet. - -_Bayes._ There's a bob for the court.[20] - -_Pret._ Why, Tom, thou art a sharp rogue when thou art angry, I see: thou -pay'st me now, methinks. - -_Bayes._ There's pay upon pay! as good as ever was written, egad! - -_Thim._ Ay, sir, in your own coin; you give me nothing but words.[21] - -_Bayes._ Admirable! - -_Pret._ Well, Tom, I hope shortly I shall have another coin for thee; for -now the wars are coming on, I shall grow to be a man of metal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, you did not do that half enough. - -_Johns._ Methinks he does it admirably. - -_Bayes._ Ay, pretty well; but he does not hit me in't: he does not top -his part.[22] - -_Thim._ That's the way to be stamp'd yourself, sir. I shall see you come -home, like an angel for the king's evil, with a hole bor'd thro' you. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Ha, there he has hit it up to the hilts, egad! How do you like -it now, gentlemen? is not this pure wit? - -_Smith._ 'Tis snip-snap, sir, as you say; but methinks not pleasant, nor -to the purpose; for the play does not go on. - -_Bayes._ Play does not go on! I don't know what you mean: why, is not -this part of the play? - -_Smith._ Yes; but the plot stands still. - -_Bayes._ Plot stand still! why, what a devil is the plot good for, but to -bring in fine things? - -_Smith._ Oh, I did not know that before. - -_Bayes._ No, I think you did not, nor many things more, that I am master -of. Now, sir, egad, this is the bane of all us writers; let us soar -but never so little above the common pitch, egad, all's spoil'd, for -the vulgar never understand it; they can never conceive you, sir, the -excellency of these things. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a sad fate, I must confess; but you write on still for all -that! - -_Bayes._ Write on? Ay, egad, I warrant you. 'Tis not their talk shall -stop me; if they catch me at that lock, I'll give them leave to hang me. -As long as I know my things are good, what care I what they say? What, -are they gone without singing my last new song? 'sbud would it were in -their bellies. I'll tell you, Mr. Johnson, if I have any skill in these -matters, I vow to gad this song is peremptorily the very best that ever -yet was written: you must know it was made by Tom Thimble's first wife -after she was dead. - -_Smith._ How, sir, after she was dead? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, after she was dead. Why, what have you to say to that? - -_Johns._ Say? why nothing. He were a devil that had anything to say to -that. - -_Bayes._ Right. - -_Smith._ How did she come to die, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's no matter; by a fall: but here's the conceit, that -upon his knowing she was kill'd by an accident, he supposes, with a sigh, -that she died for love of him. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, that's well enough; let's hear it, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ 'Tis to the tune of "Farewell, fair Armida;" on seas, and in -battles, in bullets, and all that. - - -SONG.[23] - - In swords, pikes, and bullets, 'tis safer to be, - Than in a strong castle, remoted from thee: - My death's bruise pray think you gave me, tho' a fall - Did give it me more from the top of a wall: - For then if the moat on her mud would first lay, - And after before you my body convey: - The blue on my breast when you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, there's a true blue for me. - -Ha, rogues! when I am merry, I write these things as fast as hops, egad; -for, you must know, I am as pleasant a cavalier as ever you saw; I am, -i'faith. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how comes this song in here? for methinks there -is no great occasion for it. - -_Bayes._ Alack, sir, you know nothing; you must ever interlard your plays -with songs, ghosts, and dances, if you mean to--a-- - -_Johns._ Pit, box, and gallery,[24] Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and you have nick'd it. Hark you, Mr. Johnson, you know -I don't flatter; egad, you have a great deal of wit. - -_Johns._ O Lord, sir, you do me too much honour. - -_Bayes._ Nay, nay, come, come, Mr. Johnson, i'faith this must not be said -amongst us that have it. I know you have wit, by the judgment you make -of this play; for that's the measure we go by: my play is my touchstone. -When a man tells me such a one is a person of parts: is he so? say I; -what do I do, but bring him presently to see this play: if he likes it, -I know what to think of him; if not, your most humble servant, sir; I'll -no more of him, upon my word, I thank you. I am _Clara voyant_, egad. Now -here we go on to our business. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter the two_ USURPERS,[25] _hand in hand_. - - _Ush._ But what's become of Volscius the Great; - His presence has not grac'd our court of late. - - _Phys._ I fear some ill, from emulation sprung, - Has from us that illustrious hero wrung. - -_Bayes._ Is not that majestical? - -_Smith._ Yes, but who the devil is that Volscius? - -_Bayes._ Why, that's a prince I make in love with Parthenope. - -_Smith._ I thank you, sir. - -_Enter_ CORDELIO. - -_Cor._ My lieges, news from Volscius the prince. - -_Ush._ His news is welcome, whatsoe'er it be.[26] - -_Smith._ How, sir, do you mean whether it be good or bad? - -_Bayes._ Nay, pray, sir, have a little patience: gadzookers, you'll -spoil all my play. Why, sir, 'tis impossible to answer every impertinent -question you ask. - -_Smith._ Cry you mercy, sir. - - _Cor._ His highness, sirs, commanded me to tell you, - That the fair person whom you both do know, - Despairing of forgiveness for her fault, - In a deep sorrow, twice she did attempt - Upon her precious life; but, by the care - Of standers-by, prevented was. - - _Smith._ Why, what stuff's here? - - _Cor._ At last, - Volscius the Great this dire resolve embrac'd: - His servants he into the country sent, - And he himself to Piccadilly went; - Where he's inform'd by letters that she's dead. - - _Ush._ Dead! is that possible? dead! - - _Phys._ O ye gods! [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ There's a smart expression of a passion: O ye gods! that's one -of my bold strokes, egad. - -_Smith._ Yes; but who's the fair person that's dead? - -_Bayes._ That you shall know anon, sir. - -_Smith._ Nay, if we know at all, 'tis well enough. - -_Bayes._ Perhaps you may find, too, by-and-by, for all this, that she's -not dead neither. - -_Smith._ Marry, that's good news indeed. I am glad of that with all my -heart. - -_Bayes._ Now here's the man brought in that is supposed to have kill'd -her. [_A great shout within._ - - -SCENE III. - -_Enter_ AMARYLLIS, _with a book in her hand, and attendants._ - -_Ama._ What shout triumphant's that? - -_Enter a_ SOLDIER. - -_Sold._ Shy maid, upon the river brink, near Twic'nam town, the false -assassinate is ta'en. - -_Ama._ Thanks to the powers above for this deliverance. I hope, - - Its slow beginning will portend - A forward exit to all future end. - -_Bayes._ Pish! there you are out; to all future end! no, no; to all -future END! You must lay the accent upon "end," or else you lose the -conceit. - -_Smith._ I see you are very perfect in these matters. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I have been long enough at it, one would think, to know -something. - -_Enter_ SOLDIERS, _dragging in an old_ FISHERMAN. - - _Ama._ Villain, what monster did corrupt thy mind - T' attack the noblest soul of human kind? - -Tell me who set thee on. - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Prettyman. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Prettyman hire you to kill Prince Prettyman? - -_Fish._ No; Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ To kill whom? - -_Fish._ Prince Volscius. - -_Ama._ What! did Prince Volscius hire you to kill Prince Volscius? - -_Fish._ No, Prince Prettyman. - - _Ama._ So drag him hence, - Till torture of the rack produce his sense. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ Mark how I make the horror of his guilt confound his intellects; -for he's out at one and t'other: and that's the design of this scene. - -_Smith._ I see, sir, you have a several design for every scene. - -_Bayes._ Ay, that's my way of writing; and so, sir, I can dispatch you a -whole play, before another man, egad, can make an end of his plot. - - -SCENE IV. - -So now enter Prince Prettyman in a rage. Where the devil is he? why, -Prettyman? why, where I say? O fie, fie, fie, fie! all's marr'd, I vow to -gad, quite marr'd. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN. - -Phoo, phoo! you are come too late, sir; now you may go out again, if you -please. I vow to gad, Mr.--a--I would not give a button for my play, now -you have done this. - -_Pret._ What, sir? - -_Bayes._ What, sir! why, sir, you should have come out in choler, rouse -upon the stage, just as the other went off. Must a man be eternally -telling you of these things? - -_Johns._ Sure this must be some very notable matter that he's so angry at. - -_Smith._ I am not of your opinion. - -_Bayes._ Pish! come let's hear your part, sir. - - _Pret._[27]Bring in my father: why d'ye keep him from me? - Altho' a fisherman, he is my father: - Was ever son yet brought to this distress, - To be, for being a son, made fatherless! - Ah! you just gods, rob me not of a father: - The being of a son take from me rather. [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ Well, Ned, what think you now? - -_Johns._ A devil, this is worst of all: Mr. Bayes, pray what's the -meaning of this scene? - -_Bayes._ O cry you mercy, sir: I protest I had forgot to tell you. Why, -sir, you must know, that long before the beginning of this play, this -prince was taken by a fisherman. - -_Smith._ How, sir, taken prisoner? - -_Bayes._ Taken prisoner! O Lord, what a question's there! did ever any -man ask such a questions? Plague on him, he has put the plot quite out of -my head with this--this--question! what was I going to say? - -_Johns._ Nay, Heaven knows: I cannot imagine. - -_Bayes._ Stay, let me see: taken! O 'tis true. Why, sir, as I was going -to say, his highness here, the prince, was taken in a cradle by a -fisherman, and brought up as his child! - -_Smith._ Indeed! - -_Bayes._ Nay, prithee, hold thy peace. And so, sir, this murder being -committed by the river-side, the fisherman, upon suspicion, was seiz'd, -and thereupon the prince grew angry. - -_Smith._ So, so; now 'tis very plain. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, is not this some disparagement to a prince, to -pass for a fisherman's son? Have a care of that, I pray. - -_Bayes._ No, no, not at all; for 'tis but for a while: I shall fetch him -off again presently, you shall see. - -_Enter_ PRETTYMAN _and_ THIMBLE. - - _Pret._ By all the gods, I'll set the world on fire, - Rather than let 'em ravish hence my sire. - - _Thim._ Brave Prettyman, it is at length reveal'd, - That he is not thy sire who thee conceal'd. - -_Bayes._ Lo, you now; there, he's off again. - -_Johns._ Admirably done, i'faith! - -_Bayes._ Ay, now the plot thickens very much upon us. - - _Pret._ What oracle this darkness can evince! - Sometimes a fisher's son, sometimes a prince. - It is a secret, great as is the world; - In which I, like the soul, am toss'd and hurl'd, - The blackest ink of Fate sure was my lot, - And when she writ my name, she made a blot. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a blustering verse for you now. - -_Smith._ Yes, sir; but why is he so mightily troubled to find he is not -a fisherman's son? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that is not because he has a mind to be his son, but for -fear he should be thought to be nobody's son at all. - -_Smith._ Nay, that would trouble a man, indeed. - -_Bayes._ So, let me see. - - -SCENE V. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, _going out of town._ - -_Smith._ I thought he had been gone to Piccadilly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, he gave it out so; but that was only to cover his design. - -_Johns._ What design? - -_Bayes._ Why, to head the army that lies conceal'd for him at -Knightsbridge. - -_Johns._ I see here's a great deal of plot, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ Yes, now it begins to break: but we shall have a world of more -business anon. - -_Enter_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS, CLORIS, AMARYLLIS, _and_ HARRY, _with a -riding-cloak and boots._ - - _Ama._ Sir, you are cruel thus to leave the town, - And to retire to country solitude. - - _Clo._ We hop'd this summer that we should at least - Have held the honour of your company. - -_Bayes._ Held the honour of your company; prettily express'd: held the -honour of your company! gadzookers, these fellows will never take notice -of anything. - -_Johns._ I assure you, sir, I admire it extremely; I don't know what he -does. - -_Bayes._ Ay, ay, he's a little envious; but 'tis no great matter. Come. - - _Ama._ Pray let us two this single boon obtain! - That you will here, with poor us, still remain! - Before your horses come, pronounce our fate, - For then, alas, I fear 'twill be too late. - - _Bayes._ Sad! - Harry, my boots; for I'll go range among! - -_Vols._ My blades encamp'd, and quit this urban throng.[28] - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, is not this a little difficult, that you -were saying e'en now, to keep an army thus conceal'd in Knightsbridge? - -_Bayes._ In Knightsbridge? stay. - -_Johns._ No, not if the inn-keepers be his friends. - -_Bayes._ His friends! ay, sir, his intimate acquaintance; or else indeed -I grant it could not be. - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, so it might be very easy. - -_Bayes._ Nay, if I do not make all things easy, egad, I'll give you leave -to hang me. Now you would think that he's going out of town: but you -shall see how prettily I have contriv'd to stop him presently. - -_Smith._ By my troth, sir, you have so amaz'd me, that I know not what to -think. - -_Enter_ PARTHENOPE. - - _Vols._ Bless me! how frail are all my best resolves! - How, in a moment, is my purpose chang'd! - Too soon I thought myself secure from love. - Fair madam, give me leave to ask her name,[29] - Who does so gently rob me of my fame: - For I should meet the army out of town, - And if I fail, must hazard my renown. - - _Par._ My mother, sir, sells ale by the town-walls; - And me her dear Parthenope she calls. - -_Bayes._ Now that's the Parthenope I told you of. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay, egad, you are very right. - - _Vols._ Can vulgar vestments high-born beauty shroud? - Thou bring'st the morning pictur'd in a cloud.[30] - -_Bayes._ The morning pictur'd in a cloud! ah, gadzookers, what a conceit -is there! - -_Par._ Give you good even, sir. [_Exit._ - -_Vols._ O inauspicious stars! that I was born To sudden love, and to more -sudden scorn! - -_Ama._ } How! Prince Volscius in love? ha, ha, ha![31] _Clo._ } [_Exeunt -laughing._ - -_Smith._ Sure, Mr. Bayes, we have lost some jest here, that they laugh at -so. - -_Bayes._ Why, did you not observe? he first resolves to go out of town, -and then as he's pulling on his boots, falls in love with her; ha, ha, ha! - -_Smith._ Well, and where lies the jest of that? - -_Bayes._ Ha? [_Turns to_ JOHNS. - -_Johns._ Why, in the boots: where should the jest lie? - - _Bayes._ Egad, you are in the right: it does lie in the boots---- - [_Turns to_ SMITH. - Your friend and I know where a good jest lies, though you don't, sir. - -_Smith._ Much good do't you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Here now, Mr. Johnson, you shall see a combat betwixt love and -honour. An ancient author has made a whole play on't;[32] but I have -dispatch'd it all in this scene. - -VOLSCIUS _sits down to pull on his boots:_ BAYES _stands by, and -over-acts the part as he speaks it._ - - _Vols._ How has my passion made me Cupid's scoff! - This hasty boot is on, the other off, - And sullen lies, with amorous design, - To quit loud fame, and make that beauty mine. - -_Smith._ Prithee, mark what pains Mr. Bayes takes to act this speech -himself! - -_Johns._ Yes, the fool, I see, is mightily transported with it. - - _Vols._ My legs the emblem of my various thought - Show to what sad distraction I am brought. - Sometimes with stubborn honour, like this boot, - My mind is guarded, and resolv'd to do't: - Sometimes again, that very mind, by love - Disarmed, like this other leg does prove. - Shall I to honour or to love give way? - Go on, cries honour;[33] tender love says, nay; - Honour aloud commands, pluck both boots on; - But softer love does whisper, put on none. - What shall I do! what conduct shall I find, - To lead me thro' this twilight of my mind? - For as bright day, with black approach of night - Contending, makes a doubtful puzzling light; - So does my honour and my love together - Puzzle me so, I can resolve for neither. - [_Goes out hopping, with one boot on, and t'other off._ - -_Johns._ By my troth, sir, this is as difficult a combat as ever I saw, -and as equal; for 'tis determin'd on neither side. - -_Bayes._ Ay, is't not now egad, ha? for to go off hip-hop, hip-hop, upon -this occasion, is a thousand times better than any conclusion in the -world, egad. - -_Johns._ Indeed, Mr. Bayes, that hip-hop, in this place, as you say, does -a very great deal. - -_Bayes._ Oh, all in all, sir! they are these little things that mar, -or set you off a play; as I remember once in a play of mine, I set -off a scene, egad, beyond expectation, only with a petticoat, and the -gripes.[34] - -_Smith._ Pray how was that, sir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I contriv'd a petticoat to be brought in upon a chair -(nobody knew how) into a prince's chamber, whose father was not to see -it, that came in by chance. - -_Johns._ By-my-life, that was a notable contrivance indeed. - -_Smith._ Ay, but Mr. Bayes, how could you contrive the stomach-ache? - -_Bayes._ The easiest i' th' world, egad: I'll tell you how. I made the -prince sit down upon the petticoat, no more than so, and pretended to his -father that he had just then got the gripes: whereupon his father went -out to call a physician, and his man ran away with the petticoat. - -_Smith._ Well, and what follow'd upon that? - -_Bayes._ Nothing, no earthly thing, I vow to gad. - -_Johns._ On my word, Mr. Bayes, there you hit it. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it gave a world of content. And then I paid 'em away -besides; for it made them all talk beastly: ha, ha, ha, beastly! -downright beastly upon the stage, egad, ha, ha, ha! but with an infinite -deal of wit, that I must say. - -_Johns._ That, ay, that, we know well enough, can never fail you. - -_Bayes._ No, egad, can't it. Come, bring in the dance. - - [_Exit to call the Players._ - -_Smith._ Now, the plague take thee for a silly, confident, unnatural, -fulsome rogue. - -_Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - -_Bayes._ Pray dance well before these gentlemen; you are commonly so -lazy, but you should be light and easy, tah, tah, tah. - - [_All the while they dance_, BAYES _puts them out - with teaching them._ - -Well, gentlemen, you'll see this dance, if I am not deceiv'd, take very -well upon the stage, when they are perfect in their motions, and all that. - -_Smith._ I don't know how 'twill take, sir; but I am sure you sweat hard -for't. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, it costs me more pains and trouble to do these things -than almost the things are worth. - -_Smith._ By my troth, I think so, sir. - -_Bayes._ Not for the things themselves; for I could write you, sir, forty -of 'em in a day: but, egad, these players are such dull persons, that if -a man be not by 'em upon every point, and at every turn, egad, they'll -mistake you, sir, and spoil all. - -_Enter a_ PLAYER. - -What, is the funeral ready? - -_Play._ Yes, sir. - -_Bayes._ And is the lance fill'd with wine? - -_Play._ Sir, 'tis just now a-doing. - -_Bayes._ Stay, then, I'll do it myself. - -_Smith._ Come, let's go with him. - -_Bayes._ A match. But, Mr. Johnson, egad, I am not like other persons; -they care not what becomes of their things, so they can but get money -for 'em: now, egad, when I write, if it be not just as it should be in -every circumstance, to every particular, egad, I am no more able to -endure it, I am not myself, I'm out of my wits, and all that; I'm the -strangest person in the whole world: for what care I for money? I write -for reputation. - - [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Gentlemen, because I would not have any two things alike in this -play, the last act beginning with a witty scene of mirth, I make this to -begin with a funeral. - -_Smith._ And is that all your reason for it, Mr. Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir, I have a precedent for it besides. A person of honour, -and a scholar, brought in his funeral just so;[35] and he was one, let -me tell you, that knew as well what belong'd to a funeral as any man in -England, egad. - -_Johns._ Nay, if that be so, you are safe. - -_Bayes._ Egad, but I have another device, a frolic, which I think yet -better than all this; not for the plot or characters (for, in my heroic -plays, I make no difference as to those matters), but for another -contrivance. - -_Smith._ What is that, I pray? - -_Bayes._ Why, I have design'd a conquest that cannot possibly, egad, be -acted in less than a whole week; and I'll speak a bold word, it shall -drum, trumpet, shout, and battle, egad, with any the most warlike tragedy -we have, either ancient or modern.[36] - -_Johns._ Ay, marry, sir, there you say something. - -_Smith._ And pray, sir, how have you order'd this same frolic of yours? - -_Bayes._ Faith, sir, by the rule of romance; for example, they divide -their things into three, four, five, six, seven, eight, or as many tomes -as they please. Now I would very fain know what should hinder me from -doing the same with my things, if I please? - -_Johns._ Nay, if you should not be master of your own works, 'tis very -hard. - -_Bayes._ That is my sense. And then, sir, this contrivance of mine has -something of the reason of a play in it too; for as every one makes you -five acts to one play, what do I, but make five plays to one plot: by -which means the auditors have every day a new thing. - -_Johns._ Most admirably good, i'faith! and must certainly take, because -it is not tedious. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, I know that; there's the main point. And then upon -Saturday to make a close of all (for I ever begin upon a Monday), I make -you, sir, a sixth play that sums up the whole matter to 'em, and all -that, for fear they should have forgot it. - -_Johns._ That consideration, Mr. Bayes, indeed I think will be very -necessary. - -_Smith._ And when comes in your share, pray, sir? - -_Bayes._ The third week. - -_Johns._ I vow you'll get a world of money. - -_Bayes._ Why, faith, a man must live; and if you don't thus pitch upon -some new device, egad, you'll never do't; for this age (take it o' my -word) is somewhat hard to please. But there is one pretty odd passage in -the last of these plays, which may be executed two several ways, wherein -I'd have your opinion, gentlemen. - -_Johns._ What is't, sir. - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, I make a male person to be in love with a female. - -_Smith._ Do you mean that, Mr. Bayes, for a new thing? - -_Bayes._ Yes, sir, as I have order'd it. You shall hear: he having -passionately lov'd her through my five whole plays, finding at last that -she consents to his love, just after that his mother had appear'd to him -like a ghost, he kills himself: that's one way. The other is, that she -coming at last to love him, with as violent a passion as he lov'd her, -she kills herself. Now my question is, which of these two persons should -suffer upon this occasion? - -_Johns._ By my troth, it is a very hard case to decide. - -_Bayes._ The hardest in the world, egad, and has puzzled this pate very -much. What say you, Mr. Smith? - -_Smith._ Why truly, Mr. Bayes, if it might stand with your justice now, -I would spare 'em both. - -_Bayes._ Egad, and I think--ha--why then, I'll make him hinder her from -killing herself. Ay, it shall be so. Come, come, bring in the funeral. - -_Enter a Funeral, with the two_ USURPERS _and Attendants_. - -Lay it down there; no, no, here, sir. So now speak. - - _K. Ush._ Set down the funeral pile, and let our grief - Receive from its embraces some relief. - - _K. Phys._ Was't not unjust to ravish hence her breath, - And in life's stead, to leave us nought but death? - The world discovers now its emptiness, - And by her loss demonstrates we have less. - -_Bayes._ Is not this good language now? is not that elevate? 'tis my -_non ultra_, egad; you must know they were both in love with her. - -_Smith._ With her! with whom? - -_Bayes._ Why, this is Lardella's funeral. - -_Smith._ Lardella! ay, who is she? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, the sister of Drawcansir; a lady that was drown'd at -sea, and had a wave for her winding-sheet.[37] - - _K. Ush._ Lardella, O Lardella, from above - Behold the tragic issues of our love: - Pity us, sinking under grief and pain, - For thy being cast away upon the main. - -_Bayes._ Look you now, you see I told you true. - -_Smith._ Ay, sir, and I thank you for it very kindly. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but you will not have patience; honest Mr.--a--you -will not have patience. - -_Johns._ Pray, Mr. Bayes, who is that Drawcansir? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, a fierce hero, that frights his mistress, snubs up -kings, baffles armies, and does what he will, without regard to numbers, -good manners, or justice.[38] - -_Johns._ A very pretty character! - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, I thought your heroes had ever been men of great -humanity and justice. - -_Bayes._ Yes, they have been so; but for my part, I prefer that one -quality of singly beating of whole armies, above all your moral virtues -put together, egad. You shall see him come in presently. Zookers, why -don't you read the paper? - - [_To the Players._ - - _K. Phys._ O, cry you mercy. [_Goes to take the paper._ - -_Bayes._ Pish! nay you are such a fumbler. Come, I'll read it myself. -[_Takes the paper from off the coffin._ Stay, it's an ill hand, I must -use my spectacles. This now is a copy of verses, which I make Lardella -compose just as she is dying, with design to have it pinn'd upon her -coffin, and so read by one of the usurpers, who is her cousin. - -_Smith._ A very shrewd design that, upon my word, Mr. Bayes. - -_Bayes._ And what do you think now, I fancy her to make love like, here, -in this paper? - -_Smith._ Like a woman: what should she make love like? - -_Bayes._ O' my word you are out tho', sir; egad you are. - -_Smith._ What then, like a man? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; like a humble-bee. - -_Smith._ I confess, that I should not have fancy'd. - -_Bayes._ It may be so, sir; but it is tho', in order to the opinion of -some of our ancient philosophers, who held the transmigration of the soul. - -_Smith._ Very fine. - -_Bayes._ I'll read the title: "To my dear Couz, King Physician." - -_Smith._ That's a little too familiar with a king, tho', sir, by your -favour, for a humble-bee. - -_Bayes._ Mr. Smith, in other things, I grant your knowledge may be above -me; but as for poetry, give me leave to say I understand that better: it -has been longer my practice; it has indeed, sir. - - _Smith._ Your servant, sir. - - _Bayes._ Pray mark it. [_Reads._ - - "Since death my earthly part will thus remove, - I'll come a humble-bee to your chaste love: - With silent wings I'll follow you, dear couz; - Or else, before you, in the sunbeams, buz. - And when to melancholy groves you come, - An airy ghost, you'll know me by my hum; - For sound, being air, a ghost does well become."[39] - - _Smith_ (after a pause). Admirable! - - _Bayes._ "At night, into your bosom I will creep, - And buz but softly if you chance to sleep: - Yet in your dreams, I will pass sweeping by, - And then both hum and buz before your eye." - -_Johns._ By my troth, that's a very great promise. - -_Smith._ Yes, and a most extraordinary comfort to boot. - - _Bayes._ "Your bed of love from dangers I will free; - But most from love of any future bee. - And when with pity your heart-strings shall crack, - With empty arms I'll bear you on my back." - -_Smith._ A pick-a-pack, a pick-a-pack. - -_Bayes._ Ay, egad, but is not that _tuant_ now, ha? is it not _tuant_? -Here's the end. - - "Then at your birth of immortality, - Like any winged archer hence I'll fly, - And teach you your first fluttering in the sky." - -_Johns._ Oh, rare! this is the most natural, refined fancy that ever I -heard, I'll swear. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I think, for a dead person, it is a good way enough of -making love; for, being divested of her terrestrial part, and all that, -she is only capable of these little, pretty, amorous designs that are -innocent, and yet passionate. Come, draw your swords. - - _K. Phys._ Come, sword, come sheath thyself within this breast, - Which only in Lardella's tomb can rest. - - _K. Ush._ Come, dagger, come and penetrate this heart, - Which cannot from Lardella's love depart. - -_Enter_ PALLAS. - - _Pal._ Hold, stop your murd'ring hands - At Pallas's commands: - For the supposed dead, O kings, - Forbear to act such deadly things. - Lardella lives; I did but try - If princes for their loves could die. - Such celestial constancy - Shall, by the gods, rewarded be: - And from these funeral obsequies, - A nuptial banquet shall arise. - [_The coffin opens, and a banquet is discovered._ - -_Bayes._ So, take away the coffin. Now 'tis out. This is the very funeral -of the fair person which Volscius sent word was dead; and Pallas, you -see, has turned it into a banquet. - -_Smith._ Well, but where is this banquet? - -_Bayes._ Nay, look you, sir; we must first have a dance, for joy that -Lardella is not dead. Pray, sir, give me leave to bring in my things -properly at least. - -_Smith._ That, indeed, I had forgot; I ask your pardon. - -_Bayes._ Oh, d'ye so, sir? I am glad you will confess yourself once in an -error, Mr. Smith. - - [_Dance._] - - _K. Ush._ Resplendent Pallas, we in thee do find - The fiercest beauty, and a fiercer mind: - And since to thee Lardella's life we owe, - We'll supple statues in thy temple grow. - - _K. Phys._ Well, since alive Lardella's found, - Let in full bowls her health go round. - [_The two Usurpers take each of them - a bowl in their hands._ - - _K. Ush._ But where's the wine? - - _Pal._ That shall be mine. - Lo, from this conquering lance - Does flow the purest wine of France: - [_Fills the bowls out of her lance._ - And to appease your hunger, I - Have in my helmet brought a pie: - Lastly, to bear a part with these, - Behold a buckler made of cheese.[40] [_Vanish_ PALLAS. - -_Bayes._ That's the banquet. Are you satisfied now, sir? - -_Johns._ By my troth now, that is new, and more than I expected. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I knew this would please you; for the chief art in poetry -is to elevate your expectation, and then bring you off some extraordinary -way. - -_Enter_ DRAWCANSIR. - -_K. Phys._ What man is this that dares disturb our feast? - - _Draw._ He that dares drink, and for that drink dares die; - And knowing this, dares yet drink on, am I.[41] - -_Johns._ That is, Mr. Bayes, as much as to say, that though he would -rather die than not drink, yet he would fain drink for all that too. - -_Bayes._ Right; that's the conceit on't. - -_Johns._ 'Tis a marvellous good one, I swear. - -_Bayes._ Now, there are some critics that have advis'd me to put out the -second _dare_, and print _must_ in the place on't;[42] but, egad, I think -'tis better thus a great deal. - -_Johns._ Whoo! a thousand times. - -_Bayes._ Go on then. - - _K. Ush._ Sir, if you please, we should be glad to know, - How long you here will stay, how soon you'll go? - -_Bayes._ Is not that now like a well-bred person, egad? so modest, so -gent! - -_Smith._ O very like. - - _Draw._ You shall not know how long I here will stay; - But you shall know I'll take your bowls away.[43] - - [_Snatches the bowls out of the kings' hands and drinks them off._ - - _Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, is that, too, modest and gent? - - _Bayes._ No, egad, sir, but 'tis great. - - _K. Ush._ Tho', brother, this grum stranger be a clown, - He'll leave us sure a little to gulp down. - - _Draw._ Whoe'er to gulp one drop of this dare think, - I'll stare away his very power to drink,[44] - - [_The two Kings sneak off the stage with - their attendants._ - - I drink, I huff, I strut, look big and stare; - And all this I can do because I dare.[45] [_Exit._ - -_Smith._ I suppose, Mr. Bayes, this is the fierce hero you spoke of? - -_Bayes._ Yes; but this is nothing. You shall see him in the last act -win above a dozen battles, one after another, egad, as fast as they can -possibly come upon the stage. - -_Johns._ That will be a fight worth the seeing, indeed. - -_Smith._ But pray, Mr. Bayes, why do you make the kings let him use them -so scurvily? - -_Bayes._ Phoo! that's to raise the character of Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ O' my word, that was well thought on. - -_Bayes._ Now, sirs, I'll show you a scene indeed; or rather, indeed, the -scene of scenes. 'Tis an heroic scene. - -_Smith._ And pray, what's your design in this scene? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, my design is gilded truncheons, forc'd conceit, smooth -verse and a rant; in fine, if this scene don't take, egad, I'll write no -more. Come, come in, Mr.--a--nay, come in as many as you can. Gentlemen, -I must desire you to remove a little, for I must fill the stage. - -_Smith._ Why fill the stage? - -_Bayes._ Oh, sir, because your heroic verse never sounds well but when -the stage is full. - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN _and_ PRINCE VOLSCIUS. - -Nay, hold, hold; pray by your leave a little. Look you, sir, the drift of -this scene is somewhat more than ordinary; for I make 'em both fall out -because they are not in love with the same woman. - -_Smith._ Not in love? You mean, I suppose, because they are in love, Mr. -Bayes? - -_Bayes._ No, sir; I say not in love; there's a new conceit for you. Now -speak. - - _Pret._ Since fate, Prince Volscius, now has found the way - For our so long'd-for meeting here this day, - Lend thy attention to my grand concern. - - _Vols._ I gladly would that story from thee learn; - But thou to love dost, Prettyman, incline; - Yet love in thy breast is not love in mine. - - _Bayes._ Antithesis! thine and mine. - - _Pret._ Since love itself's the same, why should it be - Diff'ring in you from what it is in me? - - _Bayes._ Reasoning! egad, I love reasoning in verse. - - _Vols._ Love takes, cameleon-like, a various dye - From every plant on which itself doth lie. - - _Bayes._ Simile! - - _Pret._ Let not thy love the course of nature fright: - Nature does most in harmony delight. - - _Vols._ How weak a deity would nature prove, - Contending with the powerful god of love! - - _Bayes._ There's a great verse! - - _Vols._ If incense thou wilt offer at the shrine - Of mighty Love, burn it to none but mine. - Her rosy lips eternal sweets exhale; - And her bright flames make all flames else look pale. - - _Bayes._ Egad, that is right. - - _Pret._ Perhaps dull incense may thy love suffice; - But mine must be ador'd with sacrifice. - All hearts turn ashes, which her eyes control: - The body they consume, as well as soul. - - _Vols._ My love has yet a power more divine; - Victims her altars burn not, but refine; - Amidst the flames they ne'er give up the ghost, - But, with her looks, revive still as they roast. - In spite of pain and death they're kept alive; - Her fiery eyes make 'em in fire survive. - - _Bayes._ That is as well, egad, as I can do. - - _Vols._ Let my Parthenope at length prevail. - - _Bayes._ Civil, egad. - - _Pret._ I'll sooner have a passion for a whale; - In whose vast bulk, tho' store of oil doth lie, - We find more shape, more beauty in a fly. - -_Smith._ That's uncivil, egad. - -_Bayes._ Yes; but as far-fetched a fancy, tho', egad, as e'er you saw. - - _Vols._ Soft, Prettyman, let not thy vain pretence - Of perfect love defame love's excellence: - Parthenope is, sure, as far above - All other loves, as above all is Love. - - _Bayes._ Ah! egad, that strikes me. - - _Pret._ To blame my Cloris, gods would not pretend-- - - _Bayes._ Now mark-- - - _Vols._ Were all gods join'd, they could not hope to mend - My better choice: for fair Parthenope - Gods would themselves un-god themselves to see.[46] - - _Bayes._ Now the rant's a-coming. - - _Pret._ Durst any of the gods be so uncivil, - I'd make that god subscribe himself a devil.[47] - - _Bayes._ Ay, gadzookers, that's well writ! - [_Scratching his head, his peruke falls off._ - - _Vols._ Could'st thou that god from heaven to earth translate, - He could not fear to want a heav'nly state; - Parthenope, on earth, can heav'n create. - - _Pret._ Cloris does heav'n itself so far excel, - She can transcend the joys of heav'n in hell. - -_Bayes._ There's a bold flight for you now! 'sdeath, I have lost my -peruke. Well, gentlemen, this is what I never yet saw any one could -write, but myself. Here's true spirit and flame all through, egad. So, -so, pray clear the stage. - - [_He puts 'em off the stage._ - -_Johns._ I wonder how the coxcomb has got the knack of writing smooth -verse thus. - -_Smith._ Why, there's no need of brain for this: 'tis but scanning the -labours on the finger; but where's the sense of it? - -_Johns._ Oh! for that he desires to be excus'd: he is too proud a man to -creep servilely after sense, I assure you.[48] But pray, Mr. Bayes, why -is this scene all in verse? _Bayes._ Oh, sir, the subject is too great -for prose. - -_Smith._ Well said, i'faith; I'll give thee a pot of ale for that answer; -'tis well worth it. - - _Bayes._ Come, with all my heart. - I'll make that god subscribe himself a devil; - That single line, egad, is worth all that my brother poets ever writ. - Let down the curtain. [_Exeunt._ - - * * * * * - - -ACT. V.--SCENE I. - -BAYES, _and the two Gentlemen_. - -_Bayes._ Now, gentlemen, I will be bold to say, I'll show you the -greatest scene that ever England saw: I mean not for words, for those I -don't value; but for state, show and magnificence. In fine, I'll justify -it to be as grand to the eye every whit, egad, as that great scene in -"Harry the Eighth," and grander too, egad; for instead of two bishops, I -bring in here four cardinals. - - [_The curtain is drawn up_, _the two usurping Kings appear in - state with the four Cardinals,_ PRINCE PRETTYMAN, PRINCE VOLSCIUS, - AMARYLLIS, CLORIS, PARTHENOPE. _&c._, _before them_, _Heralds and - Sergeants-at-arms_, _with maces_. - -_Smith._ Mr. Bayes, pray what is the reason that two of the cardinals are -in hats, and the other in caps? - -_Bayes._ Why, sir, because---- By gad I won't tell you. Your country -friend, sir, grows so troublesome-- - -_K. Ush._ Now, sir, to the business of the day. - -_K. Phys._ Speak, Volscius. - -_Vols._ Dread sovereign lords, my zeal to you must not invade my duty -to your son; let me entreat that great Prince Prettyman first to speak; -whose high pre-eminence in all things, that do bear the name of good, may -justly claim that privilege. - -_Bayes._ Here it begins to unfold; you may perceive, now, that he is his -son. - -_Johns._ Yes, sir, and we are very much beholden to you for that -discovery. - - _Pret._ Royal father, upon my knees I beg, - That the illustrious Volscius first be heard. - -_Vols._ That preference is only due to Amaryllis, sir. - -_Bayes._ I'll make her speak very well, by-and-by, you shall see. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns---- [_Soft music._ - - _K. Ush._ But stay, what sound is this invades our ears?[49] - - _K. Phys._ Sure 'tis the music of the moving spheres. - - _Pret._ Behold, with wonder, yonder comes from far - A god-like cloud, and a triumphant car; - In which our two right kings sit one by one, - With virgins' vests, and laurel garlands on. - - _K. Ush._ Then, brother Phys., 'tis time we should be gone. - [_The two Usurpers steal out of the throne, and go away._ - -_Bayes._ Look you now, did not I tell you, that this would be as easy a -change as the other? - -_Smith._ Yes, faith, you did so; tho' I confess I could not believe you: -but you have brought it about, I see. - - [_The two right kings of Brentford descend in the clouds, singing, - in white garments; and three fiddlers sitting before them, in - green._ - - _Bayes._ Now, because the two right kings descend from above, - I make 'em sing to the tune and style of our modern spirits. - - _1st King._ Haste, brother king, we are sent from above. - - _2nd King._ Let us move, let us move; - Move to remove the fate - Of Brentford's long united state.[50] - - _1st King._ Tarra, ran, tarra, full east and by south. - - _2nd King._ We sail with thunder in our mouth, - In scorching noon-day, whilst the traveller stays; - Busy, busy, busy, busy, we bustle along, - Mounted upon warm Phoebus's rays, - Through the heavenly throng, - Hasting to those - Who will feast us at night with a pig's petty-toes. - - _1st King._ And we'll fall with our plate - In an _ollio_ of hate. - - _2nd King._ But now supper's done, the servitors try, - Like soldiers, to storm a whole half-moon pie. - - _1st King._ They gather, they gather hot custards in spoons: - But alas, I must leave these half-moons, - And repair to my trusty dragoons. - - _2nd King._ Oh, stay, for you need not as yet go astray: - The tide, like a friend, has brought ships in our way, - And on their high ropes we will play - Like maggots in filberts we'll snug in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - We'll frisk in our shell, - And farewell. - - _1st King._ But the ladies have all inclination to dance, - And the green frogs croak out a coranto of France. - -_Bayes._ Is not that pretty, now? The fiddlers are all in green. - -_Smith._ Ay, but they play no coranto. - -_Johns._ No, but they play a tune that's a great deal better. - -_Bayes._ No coranto, quoth-a! that's a good one, with all my heart. Come, -sing on. - - _2nd King._ Now mortals that hear - How we tilt and career, - With wonder will fear - The event of such things as shall never appear. - - _1st King._ Stay you to fulfil what the gods have decreed. - - _2nd King._ Then call me to help you, if there shall be need. - - _1st King._ So firmly resolv'd is a true Brentford king, - To save the distress'd, and help to 'em to bring, - That ere a full pot of good ale you can swallow, - He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla. - [BAYES _fillips his finger, and sings after them._ - -_Bayes._ "He's here with a whoop, and gone with a holla." This, sir, you -must know, I thought once to have brought in with a conjuror.[51] - -_Johns._ Ay, that would have been better. - -_Bayes._ No, faith, not when you consider it; for thus it is more -compendious, and does the thing every whit as well. - -_Smith._ Thing! what thing? - -_Bayes._ Why, bring 'em down again into the throne, sir. What thing would -you have? - -_Smith._ Well, but methinks the sense of this song is not very plain! - -_Bayes._ Plain! why, did you ever hear any people in clouds speak plain? -They must be all for flight of fancy at its full range, without the least -check or control upon it. When once you tie up spirits and people in -clouds, to speak plain, you spoil all. - -_Smith._ Bless me, what a monster's this! - - [_The two Kings light out of the clouds, and - step into the throne._ - -_1st King._ Come, now to serious counsel we'll advance. - -_2nd King._ I do agree; but first, let's have a dance. - -_Bayes._ Right. You did that very well, Mr. Cartwright. But first, let's -have a dance. Pray remember that; be sure you do it always just so: for -it must be done as if it were the effect of thought and premeditation. -But first, let's have a dance; pray remember that. - -_Smith._ Well, I can hold no longer, I must gag this rogue, there's no -enduring of him. - -_Johns._ No, prithee make use of thy patience a little longer, let's see -the end of him now. [_Dance a grand dance._ - -_Bayes._ This, now, is an ancient dance, of right belonging to the Kings -of Brentford; but since derived, with a little alteration, to the Inns of -Court. - -_An Alarm. Enter two Heralds._ - - _1st King._ What saucy groom molests our privacies? - - _1st Her._ The army's at the door, and in disguise, - Desires a word with both your majesties. - - -_2nd King._ Bid 'em attend awhile, and drink our health. - -_Smith._ How, Mr. Bayes, the army in disguise! - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, for fear the usurpers might discover them, that went -out but just now. - -_Smith._ Why, what if they had discover'd them? - -_Bayes._ Why, then they had broke the design. - -_1st King._ Here take five guineas for those warlike men. - -_2nd King._ And here's five more, that makes the sum just ten. - - _1st Her._ We have not seen so much, the Lord knows when. - - [_Exeunt Heralds._ - - _1st King._ Speak on, brave Amaryllis. - - _Ama._ Invincible sovereigns, blame not my modesty, if at this - grand conjuncture---- [_Drum beats behind the stage._ - -_1st King._ What dreadful noise is this that comes and goes? - -_Enter a Soldier with his sword drawn._ - - _Sold._ Haste hence, great sirs, your royal persons save, - For the event of war no mortal knows:[52] - The army, wrangling for the gold you gave, - First fell to words, and then to handy-blows. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ Is not that now a pretty kind of a stanza, and a handsome -come-off? - - _2nd King._ O dangerous estate of sovereign power! - Obnoxious to the change of every hour. - - _1st King._ Let us for shelter in our cabinet stay; - Perhaps these threatning storms may pass away. [_Exeunt._ - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, did not you promise us just now, to make -Amaryllis speak very well? - -_Bayes._ Ay, and so she would have done, but that they hinder'd her. - -_Smith._ How, sir, whether you would or no? - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir, the plot lay so, that I vow to gad, it was not to be -avoided. - -_Smith._ Marry, that was hard. - -_Johns._ But, pray, who hinder'd her? - -_Bayes._ Why, the battle, sir, that's just coming in at the door: and -I'll tell you now a strange thing; tho' I don't pretend to do more than -other men, egad, I'll give you both a whole week to guess how I'll -represent this battle. - -_Smith._ I had rather be bound to fight your battle, I assure you, sir. - -_Bayes._ Whoo! there's it now: fight a battle! there's the common error. -I knew presently where I should have you. Why, pray, sir, do but tell -me this one thing: can you think it a decent thing, in a battle before -ladies, to have men run their swords thro' one another, and all that? - -_Johns._ No, faith, 'tis not civil. - -_Bayes._ Right; on the other side, to have a long relation of squadrons -here, and squadrons there: what is it, but dull prolixity? - -_Johns._ Excellently reason'd, by my troth! - -_Bayes._ Wherefore, sir, to avoid both those indecorums, I sum up the -whole battle in the representation of two persons only, no more: and yet -so lively, that, I vow to gad, you would swear ten thousand men were at -it really engag'd. Do you mark me? - -_Smith._ Yes, sir: but I think I should hardly swear tho', for all that. - -_Bayes._ By my troth, sir, but you would tho', when you see it: for -I make 'em both come out in armour _cap-a-pie_, with their swords -drawn, and hung with a scarlet ribbon at their wrist; which, you know, -represents fighting enough. - -_Johns._ Ay, ay; so much, that if I were in your place, I would make 'em -go out again, without ever speaking one word. - -_Bayes._ No, there you are out; for I make each of 'em hold a lute in his -hand. - -_Smith._ How, sir, instead of a buckler? - -_Bayes._ O Lord, O Lord! instead of a buckler? pray, sir, do you ask -no more questions. I make 'em, sirs, play the battle _in recitativo_. -And here's the conceit just at the very same instant that one sings, -the other, sir, recovers you his sword, and puts himself into a warlike -posture: so that you have at once your ear entertain'd with music and -good language, and your eye satisfied with the garb and accoutrements of -war. - -_Smith._ I confess, sir, you stupefy me. - -_Bayes._ You shall see. - -_Johns._ But, Mr. Bayes, might not we have a little fighting? for I love -those plays where they cut and slash one another upon the stage for a -whole hour together. - -_Bayes._ Why, then, to tell you true, I have contriv'd it both ways: but -you shall have my _recitativo_ first. - -_Johns._ Ay, now you are right: there is nothing that can be objected -against it. - -_Bayes._ True: and so, egad, I'll make it too a tragedy in a trice.[53] - -_Enter at several doors the_ GENERAL _and_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL, _arm'd -cap-a-pie_, _with each of them a lute in his hand_, _and a sword drawn_, -_and hung with a scarlet ribbon at his wrist_.[54] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Villain, thou liest! - - _Gen._ Arm, arm, Gonsalvo,[55] arm, what, ho! - The lie no flesh can brook, I trow. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Advance from Acton with the musqueteers. - - _Gen._ Draw down the Chelsea cuirassiers.[56] - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The band you boast of Chelsea cuirassiers, - Shall, in my Putney pikes, now meet their peers.[57] - - _Gen._ Chiswickians, aged and renown'd in fight, - Join with the Hammersmith brigade. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ You'll find my Mortlake boys will do them right, - Unless by Fulham numbers over-laid. - - _Gen._ Let the left wing of Twick'nam foot advance, - And line that eastern hedge. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ The horse I rais'd in Petty-France - Shall try their chance, - And scour the meadows, overgrown with sedge. - - _Gen._ Stand: give the word. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Bright sword. - - _Gen._ That may be thine. - But 'tis not mine. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ Give fire, give fire, at once give fire, - And let those recreant troops perceive mine ire.[58] - - _Gen._ Pursue, pursue; they fly - That first did give the lie. [_Exeunt._ - -_Bayes._ This now is not improper, I think; because the spectators know -all these towns, and may easily conceive them to be within the dominions -of the two Kings of Brentford. - -_Johns._ Most exceeding well design'd! - -_Bayes._ How do you think I have contriv'd to give a stop to this battle? - -_Smith._ How? - -_Bayes._ By an eclipse; which, let me tell you, is a kind of fancy that -was yet never so much as thought of, but by myself, and one person more, -that shall be nameless. - -_Enter_ LIEUTENANT-GENERAL. - - _Lieut.-Gen._ What midnight darkness does invade the day, - And snatch the victor from his conquer'd prey? - Is the sun weary of this bloody fight, - And winks upon us with the eye of light! - 'Tis an eclipse! this was unkind, O moon, - To clap between me and the sun so soon. - Foolish eclipse! thou this in vain hast done; - My brighter honour had eclips'd the sun: - But now behold eclipses two in one. [_Exit._ - -_Johns._ This is an admirable representation of a battle as ever I saw. - -_Bayes._ Ay, sir; but how would you fancy now to represent an eclipse? - -_Smith._ Why, that's to be suppos'd. - -_Bayes._ Suppos'd! ay, you are ever at your suppose: ha, ha, ha! why, you -may as well suppose the whole play. No, it must come in upon the stage, -that's certain; but in some odd way, that may delight, amuse, and all -that. I have a conceit for't, that I am sure is new, and I believe to the -purpose. - -_Johns._ How's that? - -_Bayes._ Why, the truth is, I took the first hint of this out of a -dialogue between Phoebus and Aurora, in the "Slighted Maid," which, by -my troth, was very pretty; but I think you'd confess this is a little -better. - -_Johns._ No doubt on't, Mr. Bayes, a great deal better. - - [BAYES _hugs_ JOHNSON, _then turns to_ SMITH. - -_Bayes._ Ah, dear rogue! But--a--sir, you have heard, I suppose, that -your eclipse of the moon is nothing else but an interposition of the -earth between the sun and moon; as likewise your eclipse of the sun is -caus'd by an interlocation of the moon betwixt the earth and the sun. - -_Smith._ I have heard some such thing indeed. - -_Bayes._ Well, sir, then what do I but make the earth, sun, and moon come -out upon the stage, and dance the hey. Hum! and of necessity, by the very -nature of this dance, the earth must be sometimes between the sun and the -moon, and the moon between the earth and sun: and there you have both -eclipses by demonstration. - -_Johns._ That must needs be very fine, truly. - -_Bayes._ Yes, it has fancy in't. And then, sir, that there may be -something in't, too, of a joke, I bring 'em in all singing; and make the -moon sell the earth a bargain. Come, come out, eclipse, to the tune of -"Tom Tyler." - -_Enter_ LUNA. - - _Luna._ Orbis, O Orbis! - Come to me, thou little rogue, Orbis. - -_Enter the_ EARTH. - - _Orb._ Who calls Terra-firma, pray?[59] - - _Luna._ Luna, that ne'er shines by day. - - _Orb._ What means Luna in a veil? - - _Luna._ Luna means to show her tail. - - _Bayes._ There's the bargain. - -_Enter_ SOL, _to the tune of_ "Robin Hood." - - _Sol._ Fie, sister, fie; thou makest me muse, - Derry down, derry down, - To see thee Orb abuse. - - _Luna._ I hope his anger 'twill not move; - Since I show'd it out of love. - Hey down, derry down. - - _Orb._ Where shall I thy true love know, - Thou pretty, pretty moon? - - _Luna._ To-morrow soon, ere it be noon, - On Mount Vesuvio.[60] - - _Sol._ Then I will shine [_To the tune of_ "Trenchmore." _Bis._ - - _Orb._ And I will be fine. - - _Luna._ And I will drink nothing but Lippara wine.[61] - - _Omnes._ And we, &c. [_As they dance the hey_, BAYES _speaks_. - -_Bayes._ Now the earth's before the moon: now the moon's before the sun: -there's the eclipse again. - -_Smith._ He's mightily taken with this, I see. - -_Johns._ Ay, 'tis so extraordinary, how can he choose? - -_Bayes._ So, now, vanish eclipse, and enter t'other battle, and fight. -Here now, if I am not mistaken, you will see fighting enough. - -[_A battle is fought between foot and great hobby-horses. At last_, -DRAWCANSIR _comes in and kills them all on both sides. All the while the -battle is fighting_, BAYES _is telling them when to shout_, _and shouts -with 'em_. - - _Draw._ Others may boast a single man to kill; - But I the blood of thousands daily spill. - Let petty kings the names of parties know: - Where'er I come, I slay both friend and foe. - The swiftest horse-men my swift rage controls, - And from their bodies drives their trembling souls. - If they had wings, and to the gods could fly, - I would pursue and beat 'em through the sky; - And make proud Jove, with all his thunder, see - This single arm more dreadful is than he. [_Exit._ - -_Bayes._ There's a brave fellow for you now, sirs. You may talk of -your Hectors, and Achilles's, and I know not who; but I defy all your -histories, and your romances too, to show me one such conqueror, as this -Drawcansir. - -_Johns._ I swear, I think you may. - -_Smith._ But, Mr. Bayes, how shall all these dead men go off? for I see -none alive to help 'em. - -_Bayes._ Go off! why, as they came on, upon their legs: how should they -go off? Why, do you think the people here don't know they are not dead? -he is mighty ignorant, poor man: your friend here is very silly, Mr. -Johnson; egad, he is. Ha, ha, ha! Come, sir, I'll show you how they shall -go off. Rise, rise, sirs, and go about your business.[62] There's go off -for you now; ha, ha, ha! Mr. Ivory, a word. Gentlemen, I'll be with you -presently. - - [_Exit._ - - _Johns._ Will you so? Then we'll be gone. - - _Smith._ Ay, prithee let's go, that we may preserve our hearing. - One battle more will take mine quite away. [_Exeunt._ - - _Enter_ BAYES _and_ PLAYERS. - - _Bayes._ Where are the gentlemen? - - _1st Play._ They are gone, sir. - - _Bayes._ Gone! 'sdeath, this act is best of all. I'll go fetch - 'em again. [_Exit._ - - _1st Play._ What shall we do, now he is gone away? - - _2nd Play._ Why, so much the better; then let's go to dinner. - - _3rd Play._ Stay, here's a foul piece of paper. Let's see what - 'tis. - - _3rd or 4th Play._ Ay, ay, come, let's hear it. - [_Reads. The argument of the fifth act._ - -_3rd Play._ "Cloris, at length, being sensible of Prince Prettyman's -passion, consents to marry him; but just as they are going to church, -Prince Prettyman meeting, by chance, with old Joan, the chandler's widow, -and remembering it was she that first brought him acquainted with Cloris; -out of a high point of honour, breaks off his match with Cloris, and -marries old Joan. Upon which, Cloris, in despair, drowns herself; and -Prince Prettyman, discontentedly, walks by the river-side."----This will -never do: 'tis just like the rest. Come, let's be gone. - -_Most of the Players._ Ay, plague on't, let's go away. - - [_Exeunt._ - -_Enter_ BAYES. - -_Bayes._ A plague on 'em both for me! they have made me sweat, to run -after 'em. A couple of senseless rascals, that had rather go to dinner, -than see this play out, with a plague to 'em. What comfort has a man to -write for such dull rogues! Come, Mr.--a--where are you, sir? Come away, -quick, quick. - -_Enter_ STAGE-KEEPER. - -_Stage-keep._ Sir: they are gone to dinner. - -_Bayes._ Yes, I know the gentlemen are gone; but I ask for the players. - -_Stage-keep._ Why, an't please your worship, sir, the players are gone to -dinner too. - -_Bayes._ How! are the players gone to dinner? 'tis impossible: the -players gone to dinner! egad, if they are, I'll make 'em know what it is -to injure a person that does them the honour to write for 'em, and all -that. A company of proud, conceited, humorous, cross-grain'd persons, -and all that. Egad, I'll make 'em the most contemptible, despicable, -inconsiderable persons, and all that, in the whole world, for this trick. -Egad, I'll be revenged on 'em; I'll sell this play to the other house. - -_Stage-keep._ Nay, good sir, don't take away the book; you'll disappoint -the company that comes to see it acted here this afternoon. - -_Bayes._ That's all one, I must reserve this comfort to myself, my play -and I shall go together; we will not part, indeed, sir. - -_Stage-keep._ But what will the town say, sir? - -_Bayes._ The town! why, what care I for the town? Egad, the town has us'd -me as scurvily as the players have done: but I'll be reveng'd on them -too; for I'll lampoon 'em all. And since they will not admit of my plays, -they shall know what a satirist I am. And so farewell to this stage, -egad, for ever. - - [_Exit_ BAYES. - -_Enter_ PLAYERS. - -_1st Play._ Come, then, let's set up bills for another play. - -_2nd Play._ Ay, ay; we shall lose nothing by this, I warrant you. - -_1st Play._ I am of your opinion. But before we go, let's see Haynes and -Shirley practise the last dance; for that may serve us another time. - -_2nd Play._ I'll call 'em in: I think they are but in the tyring-room. - - [_The dance done._] - -_1st Play._ Come, come; let's go away to dinner. - - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -EPILOGUE. - - The play is at an end, but where's the plot? - That circumstance our poet Bayes forgot. - And we can boast, tho' 'tis a plotting age, - No place is freer from it than the stage. - The ancients plotted, tho', and strove to please - With sense that might be understood with ease; - They every scene with so much wit did store, - That who brought any in, went out with more. - But this new way of wit does so surprise, - Men lose their wits in wond'ring where it lies. - If it be true, that monstrous births presage - The following mischiefs that afflict the age, - And sad disasters to the state proclaim; - Plays without head or tail may do the same. - Wherefore for ours, and for the kingdom's peace, - May this prodigious way of writing cease. - Let's have at least, once in our lives, a time - When we may hear some reason, not all rhyme. - We have this ten years felt its influence; - Pray let this prove a year of prose and sense. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 1: The usual language of the Honourable Edward Howard, Esq., at -the rehearsal of his plays.] - -[Footnote 2: - - He who writ this, not without pain and thought, - From French and English theatres has brought - Th' exactest rules, by which a play is wrought. - The unity of action, place, and time; - The scenes unbroken; and a mingled chime, - Of Johnson's humour, with Corneille's rhyme. - _Prologue to the Maiden Queen._ -] - -[Footnote 3: See the two prologues to the "Maiden Queen."] - -[Footnote 4: There were printed papers given the audience before the -acting the "Indian Emperor;" telling them that it was the sequel of the -"Indian Queen," part of which play was written by Mr. Bayes, &c.] - -[Footnote 5: "Persons, egad, I vow to Gad, and all that," is the constant -style of Failer in the "Wild Gallant:" for which, take this short speech, -instead of many: - -"_Failer._ Really, madam, I look upon you, as a person of such worth, and -all that, that I vow to Gad, I honour you of all persons in the world; -and tho' I am a person that am inconsiderable in the world, and all that, -madam, yet for a person of your worth and excellency I would," &c.--"Wild -Gallant," p. 8.] - -[Footnote 6: He contracted with the King's company of actors, in the year -1668, for a whole share, to write them four plays a year.] - -[Footnote 7: In ridicule of this: - - "So two kind turtles, when a storm is nigh, - Look up, and see it gathering in the sky; - Each calls his mate to shelter in the groves, - Leaving, in murmurs, their unfinish'd loves; - Perch'd on some dropping branch, they sit alone, - And coo, and hearken to each other's moan." - "Conquest of Granada," Part ii. p. 48. -] - -[Footnote 8: "I am the evening dark as night."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 9: - - "Let the men 'ware the ditches. - Maids look to their breeches, - We'll scratch them with briars and thistles."--"Slighted Maid," p. 49. -] - -[Footnote 10: Abraham Ivory had formerly been a considerable actor of -women's parts; but afterwards stupefied himself so far, with drinking -strong waters, that, before the first acting of this farce, he was fit -for nothing but to go of errands; for which, and mere charity, the -company allowed him a weekly salary.] - -[Footnote 11: - - _Drake, Sen._ "Draw up our men; - And in low whispers give our orders out." - "Play House to be Let," p. 100. - -See the "Amorous Prince," pp. 20, 22, 39, 69, where all the chief -commands, and directions, are given in whispers.] - -[Footnote 12: Mr. William Wintershull was a most excellent, judicious -actor; and the best instructor of others; he died in July, 1679.] - -[Footnote 13: He was a great taker of snuff; and made most of it himself.] - -[Footnote 14: "The Lost Lady," by Sir Robert Stapleton.] - -[Footnote 15: Compare this with Prince Leonidas in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 16: In imitation of this passage:-- - - "As some fair tulip, by a storm opprest, - Shrinks up, and folds its silken arms to rest; - And, bending to the blast, all pale, and dead, - Hears from within the wind sing round its head: - So shrouded up your beauty disappears; - Unveil, my love, and lay aside your fears: - The storm, that caus'd your fright, is past and gone." - -"Conquest of Granada," Part i. p. 55.] - -[Footnote 17: Such easy turns of state are frequent in our modern plays; -where we see princes dethroned, and governments changed, by very feeble -means, and on slight occasions: particularly in "Marriage A-la-mode;" -a play writ since the first publication of this farce. Where (to pass -by the dulness of the state-part, the obscurity of the comic, the near -resemblance Leonidas bears to our Prince Prettyman, being sometimes a -king's son, sometimes a shepherd's; and not to question how Amalthea -comes to be a princess, her brother, the king's great favourite, being -but a lord) it is worth our while to observe, how easily the fierce and -jealous usurper is deposed, and the right heir placed on the throne; and -it is thus related by the said imaginary princess:-- - - "_Amalth._ Oh, gentlemen! if you have loyalty, - Or courage, show it now. Leonidas, - Broke on a sudden from his guards, and snatching - A sword from one, his back against the scaffold, - Bravely defends himself; and owns aloud - He is our long lost king, found for this moment; - But, if your valours help not, lost for ever. - Two of his guards mov'd by the sense of virtue, - Are turn'd for him; and there they stand at bay, - Against a host of foes."--"Marriage A-la-mode," p. 61. - -This shows Mr. Bayes to be a man of constancy, and firm to his -resolution, and not to be laughed out of his own method; agreeable to -what he says in the next act: "As long as I know my things are good, what -care I what they say?"] - -[Footnote 18: - - "I know not what to say, or what to think! - I know not when I sleep, or when I wake!"-- - "Love and Friendship," p. 46. - - "My doubts and fears my reason do dismay: - I know not what to do, or what to say."--"Pandora," p. 46. -] - -[Footnote 19: Prince Prettyman and Tom Thimble; Failer, and Bibber his -tailor, in the "Wild Gallant," pp. 5, 6.] - -[Footnote 20: "Nay, if that be all, there's no such haste. The courtiers -are not so forward to pay their debts."--"Wild Gallant," p. 9.] - -[Footnote 21: - - "Take a little Bibber, - And throw him in the river; - And if he will trust never, - Then there let him lie ever. - - _Bibber._ Then say I, - Take a little Failer, - And throw him to the jailer, - And there let him lie - Till he has paid his tailor."--"Wild Gallant," p. 12. -] - -[Footnote 22: A great word with Mr. Edward Howard.] - -[Footnote 23: In imitation of this:-- - - "On seas, and in battles, through bullets and fire, - The danger is less, than in hopeless desire; - My death's wound you gave me, tho' far off I bear - My fall from your sight, not to cost you a tear: - But if the kind flood on a wave would convey, - And under your window my body would lay; - When the wound on my breast you happen to see, - You'll say with a sigh, it was given by me." - -This is the latter part of a song, made by Mr. Bayes on the death of -Captain Digby, son of George, Earl of Bristol, who was a passionate -admirer of the Duchess Dowager of Richmond, called by the author Armida. -He lost his life in a sea-fight against the Dutch, the 28th of May, 1672.] - -[Footnote 24: Mr. Edward Howard's words.] - -[Footnote 25: See the two kings in "The Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 26: "_Albert._ Curtius. I've something to deliver to your ear. - -_Cur._ Anything from Alberto is welcome."--"Amorous Prince," p. 39.] - -[Footnote 27: See the Prince in "Marriage A-la-mode."] - -[Footnote 28: "Let my horses be brought ready to the door, for I'll go -out of town this evening. - - Into the country I'll with speed, - With hounds and hawks my fancy feed, &c. - Now I'll away, a country life - Shall be my mistress, and my wife." - - "English Monsieur," pp. 36, 38, 39. -] - -[Footnote 29: "And what's this maid's name?"--"English Monsieur," p. 40.] - -[Footnote 30: "I bring the morning pictur'd in a cloud."--"Siege of -Rhodes," part i. p. 10.] - -[Footnote 31: "Mr. Comely in love."--"English Monsieur," p. 49.] - -[Footnote 32: Sir William D'Avenant's play of "Love and Honour."] - -[Footnote 33: "But honours says not so."--"Siege of Rhodes," part i. p. -19.] - -[Footnote 34: "Love in a Nunnery," p. 34.] - -[Footnote 35: Col. Henry Howard, son of Thomas, Earl of Berkshire, made -a play called the "United Kingdoms," which began with a funeral; and -had also two kings in it. This gave the duke a just occasion to set up -two kings in Brentford, as it is generally believed; tho' others are of -opinion, that his grace had our two brothers, King Charles and the Duke -of York, in his thoughts. It was acted at the Cockpit, in Drury Lane, -soon after the Restoration; but miscarrying on the stage, the author had -the modesty not to print it; and therefore, the reader cannot reasonably -expect any particular passages of it. Others say, that they are Boabdelin -and Abdalla, the two contending kings of Granada; and Mr. Dryden has, in -most of his serious plays, two contending kings of the same place.] - -[Footnote 36: "Conquest of Granada," in two parts.] - -[Footnote 37: - - "On seas I bore thee, and on seas I died, - I died: and for a winding-sheet, a wave - I had; and all the ocean for my grave." - - "Conquest of Granada," part ii. p. 113. -] - -[Footnote 38: Almanzor in the "Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 39: In ridicule of this:-- - - "My earthly part, - Which is my tyrant's right, death will remove; - I'll come all soul and spirit to your love. - With silent steps I'll follow you all day; - Or else before you in the sunbeams play. - I'll lead you hence to melancholy groves, - And there repeat the scenes of our past loves; - At night, I will within your curtains peep, - With empty arms embrace you, while you sleep. - In gentle dreams I often will be by, - And sweep along before your closing eye. - All dangers from your bed I will remove; - But guard it most from any future love. - And when at last in pity you will die, - I'll watch your birth of immortality: - Then, turtle like, I'll to my mate repair, - And teach you your first flight in open air."--"Tyrannic Love," p. 25. -] - -[Footnote 40: See the scene in the "Villain." Where the host furnishes -his guests with a collation out of his clothes; a capon from his helmet, -a tansey out of the lining of his cap, cream out of his scabbard, &c.] - -[Footnote 41: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Almah._ Who dares to interrupt my private walk? - - _Alman._ He who dares love, and for that love must die; - And, knowing this, dares yet love on, am I." - - "Granada," part ii. pp. 114, 115. -] - -[Footnote 42: It was at first, "dares die."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 43: - - "_Alman._ I would not now, if thou wouldst beg me, stay; - But I will take my Almahide away."--"Conquest of Granada," p. 32. -] - -[Footnote 44: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Alman._ Thou dar'st not marry her, while I'm in sight; - With a bent brow, thy priest and thee I'll fright: - And, in that scene, which all thy hopes and wishes should content, - The thoughts of me shall make thee impotent."--_Ibid._ p. 5. -] - -[Footnote 45: - - "Spite of myself, I'll stay, fight, love, despair; - And all this I can do, because I dare."--"Tyrannic Love," part ii. - p. 89. -] - -[Footnote 46: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Max._ Thou liest. There's not a god inhabits there, - But, for this Christian, would all heaven forswear: - Even Jove would try new shapes her love to win, - And in new birds, and unknown beasts would sin; - At least, if Jove could love like Maximin."-- - -"Tyrannic Love," p. 17.] - -[Footnote 47: - - "Some god now, if he dare relate what pass'd; - Say, but he's dead, that god shall mortal be."--_Ibid._ p. 7. - - "Provoke my rage no farther, lest I be - Reveng'd at once upon the gods, and thee."--_Ibid._ p. 8. - - "What had the gods to do with me, or mine."--_Ibid._ p. 57. -] - -[Footnote 48: - - "Poets, like lovers, should be bold, and dare; - They spoil their business with an over-care: - And he, who servilely creeps after sense, - Is safe; but ne'er can reach to excellence."-- - - "Prologue to Tyrannic Love." -] - -[Footnote 49: - - "What various noises do my ears invade; - And have a concert of confusion made?"--"Siege of Rhodes," p. 4. -] - -[Footnote 50: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Naker._ Hark, my Damilcar, we are call'd below. - - _Dam._ Let us go, let us go: - Go to relieve the care, - Of longing lovers in despair. - - _Naker._ Merry, merry, merry, we sail from the east, - Half tippled at a rainbow feast. - - _Dam._ In the bright moonshine, while winds whistle loud, - Tivy, tivy, tivy, we mount and we fly, - All racking along in a downy white cloud; - And lest our leap from the sky should prove too far, - We slide on the back of a new-falling star. - - _Naker._ And drop from above, - In a jelly of love. - - _Dam._ But now the sun's down, and the element's red, - The spirits of fire against us make head. - - _Naker._ They muster, they muster, like gnats in the air: - Alas! I must leave thee, my fair; - And to my light-horsemen repair. - - _Dam._ O stay! for you need not to fear 'em to-night; - The wind is for us, and blows full in their sight: - And o'er the wide ocean we fight. - Like leaves in the autumn, our foes will fall down, - And hiss in the water.... - - _Both._ And hiss in the water, and drown. - - _Naker._ But their men lie securely intrench'd in a cloud, - And a trumpeter-hornet to battle sounds loud. - - _Dam._ Now mortals that spy - How we tilt in the sky, - With wonder will gaze; - And fear such events as will ne'er come to pass. - - _Naker._ Stay you to perform what the man will have done. - - _Dam._ Then call me again when the battle is won. - - _Both._ So ready and quick is a spirit of air, - To pity the lover, and succour the fair, - That silent and swift, that little soft god, - Is here with a wish, and is gone with a nod."-- - - "Tyrannic Love," pp. 24, 25. -] - -[Footnote 51: See "Tyrannic Love," act iv. sc. 1.] - -[Footnote 52: In ridicule of this:-- - - "What new misfortunes do these cries presage? - - _1st Mess._ Haste all you can, their fury to assuage: - You are not safe from their rebellious rage. - - _2nd Mess._ This minute, if you grant not their desire, - They'll seize your person, and your palace fire."-- - "Granada," part ii. p. 71. -] - -[Footnote 53: "Aglaura," and the "Vestal Virgin," are so contrived by a -little alteration towards the latter end of them, that they have been -acted both ways, either as tragedies or comedies.] - -[Footnote 54: There needs nothing more to explain the meaning of this -battle, than the perusal of the first part of the "Siege of Rhodes," -which was performed in recitative music, by seven persons only: and the -passage out of the "Playhouse to be Let."] - -[Footnote 55: The "Siege of Rhodes" begins thus:-- - - "_Admiral._ Arm, arm, Valerius, arm." -] - -[Footnote 56: The third entry thus:-- - - "_Solym._ Pyrrhus, draw down our army wide; - Then, from the gross, two strong reserves divide, - And spread the wings, - As if we were to fight, - In the lost Rhodians' sight, - With all the western kings. - Each with Janizaries line; - The right and left to Haly's sons assign; - The gross, to Zangiban; - The main artillery - To Mustapha shall be: - Bring thou the rear, we lead the van." -] - -[Footnote 57: - - "More pikes! more pikes! to reinforce - That squadron, and repulse the horse."--"Playhouse to be Let," p. 72. -] - -[Footnote 58: - - "Point all the cannon, and play fast; - Their fury is too hot to last. - That rampire shakes; they fly into the town. - - _Pyr._ March up with those reserves to that redoubt; - Faint slaves, the Janizaries reel! - They bend! they bend! and seem to feel - The terrors of a rout. - - _Must._ Old Zanger halts, and reinforcement lacks. - - _Pyr._ March on! - - _Must._ Advance those pikes, and charge their backs."--"Siege of - Rhodes." -] - -[Footnote 59: In ridicule of this:-- - - "_Phoeb._ Who calls the world's great light! - - _Aur._ Aurora, that abhors the night. - - _Phoeb._ Why does Aurora, from her cloud, - To drowsy Phoebus cry so loud?"-- - "Slighted Maid," p. 8. -] - -[Footnote 60: "The burning mount Vesuvio."--"Slighted Maid," p. 81.] - -[Footnote 61: "Drink, drink wine, Lippara wine."--_Ibid._] - -[Footnote 62: Valeria, daughter to Maximin, having killed herself for -the love of Porphyrius; when she was to be carried off by the bearers, -strikes one of them a box on the ear, and speaks to him thus:-- - - "Hold, are you mad, confounded dog? - I am to rise, and speak the epilogue."--"Tyrannic Love." -] - - - - -THE SPLENDID SHILLING. - - "Sing, heavenly Muse, - Things unattempted yet, in prose or rhyme, - A shilling, breeches, and chimeras dire." - - - Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, - In silken, or in leathern purse retains - A Splendid Shilling. He nor hears with pain - New oysters cry'd, nor sighs for cheerful ale; - But with his friends when nightly mists arise, - To Juniper's Magpye, or Town Hall[63] repairs: - Where, mindful of the nymph, whose wanton eye - Transfix'd his soul, and kindled amorous flames, - Cloe, or Philips, he each circling glass - Wisheth her health, and joy, and equal love. - Meanwhile, he smokes, and laughs at merry tale, - Or pun ambiguous, or conundrum quaint. - But I, whom griping penury surrounds, - And hunger, sure attendant upon want, - With scanty offals, and small acid tiff, - Wretched repast! my meagre corps sustain: - Then solitary walk, or doze at home - In garret vile, and with a warming puff - Regale chill'd fingers; or from tube as black - As winter-chimney, or well polish'd jet, - Exhale Mundungus, ill perfuming scent: - Not blacker tube, nor of a shorter size - Smokes Cambro-Briton, vers'd in pedigree, - Sprung from Cadwalador and Arthur, kings - Full famous in romantic tale, when he - O'er many a craggy hill and barren cliff, - Upon a cargo of fam'd Cestrian cheese, - High over-shadowing rides, with a design - To vend his wares, or at th' Arvonian mart, - Or Maridunum, or the ancient town - Ycleped Brechinia, or where Vaga's stream - Encircles Ariconium, fruitful soil! - Whence flows nectareous wine, that well may vie - With Massic, Setin, or renown'd Falern. - Thus, while my joyless minutes tedious flow - With looks demure, and silent pace, a Dun, - Horrible monster! hated by gods and men, - To my aerial citadel ascends. - With vocal heel, thrice thund'ring at my gate, - With hideous accent thrice he calls; I know - The voice ill-boding, and the solemn sound. - What should I do? or whither turn? Amaz'd, - Confounded to the dark recess I fly - Of woodhole; straight my bristling hairs erect - Thro' sudden fear; a chilly sweat bedews - My shudd'ring limbs, and, wonderful to tell! - My tongue forgets her faculty of speech; - So horrible he seems! his faded brow - Entrench'd with many a frown, and conic beard, - And spreading band, admir'd by modern saints, - Disastrous acts forebode. In his right hand - Long scrolls of paper solemnly he waves, - With characters and figures dire inscrib'd, - Grievous to mortal eyes; ye gods avert - Such plagues from righteous men! Behind him stalks - Another monster not unlike himself, - Sullen of aspect, by the vulgar call'd - A Catchpole, whose polluted hands the gods - With force incredible and magic charms - First have endu'd: if he his ample palm - Should haply on ill-fated shoulder lay - Of debtor, straight his body, to the touch - Obsequious as whilom knights were wont, - To some enchanted castle is convey'd, - Where gates impregnable, and coercive chains - In durance strict detain him till, in form - Of money, Pallas sets the captive free. - Beware, ye debtors, when ye walk, beware! - Be circumspect; oft with insidious ken - This caitiff eyes your steps aloof, and oft - Lies perdue in a nook or gloomy cave, - Prompt to enchant some inadvertent wretch - With his unhallow'd touch. So, poets sing, - Grimalkin to domestic vermin sworn - An everlasting foe, with watchful eye - Lies nightly brooding o'er a chinky gap, - Protending her fell claws, to thoughtless mice - Sure ruin. So her disembowell'd web - Arachne in a hall, or kitchen, spreads, - Obvious to vagrant flies: she secret stands - Within her woven cell; the humming prey, - Regardless of their fate, rush on the toils - Inextricable, nor will aught avail - Their arts, or arms, or shapes of lovely hue; - The wasp insidious, and the buzzing drone, - And butterfly proud of expanded wings - Distinct with gold, entangled in her snares, - Useless resistance make: with eager strides, - She tow'ring flies to her expected spoils; - Then, with envenom'd jaws the vital blood - Drinks of reluctant foes, and to her cave - Their bulky carcasses triumphant drags. - So pass my days. But when nocturnal shades - This world envelop, and th' inclement air - Persuades men to repel benumbing frosts - With pleasant wines, and crackling blaze of wood; - Me, lonely sitting, nor the glimmering light - Of make-weight candle, nor the joyous talk - Of loving friend delights; distress'd, forlorn, - Amidst the horrors of the tedious night, - Darkling I sigh, and feed with dismal thoughts - My anxious mind, or sometimes mournful verse - Indite, and sing of groves and myrtle shades, - Or desp'rate lady near a purling stream, - Or lover pendant on a willow-tree. - Meanwhile I labour with eternal drought, - And restless wish, and rave, my parched throat - Finds no relief, nor heavy eyes repose: - But if a slumber haply does invade - My weary limbs, my fancy's still awake, - Thoughtful of drink, and eager, in a dream, - Tipples imaginary pots of ale, - In vain; awake I find the settled thirst - Still gnawing, and the pleasant phantom curse. - Thus do I live, from pleasure quite debarr'd, - Nor taste the fruits that the sun's genial rays - Mature, John Apple, nor the downy Peach, - Nor Walnut in rough-furrow'd coat secure, - Nor Medlar fruit delicious in decay: - Afflictions great! yet greater still remains. - My Galligaskins that have long withstood - The winter's fury, and encroaching frosts, - By time subdu'd, what will not time subdue! - An horrid chasm disclos'd with orifice - Wide, discontinuous; at which the winds - Eurus and Auster, and the dreadful force - Of Boreas, that congeals the Cronian waves, - Tumultuous enter with dire chilling blasts, - Portending agues. Thus a well-fraught ship, - Long sail'd secure, or thro' th' AEgean deep, - Or the Ionian, till cruising near - The Lilybean shore, with hideous crush - On Scylla, or Charybdis, dang'rous rocks! - She strikes rebounding, whence the shatter'd oak, - So fierce a shock unable to withstand, - Admits the sea; in at the gaping side - The crowding waves gush with impetuous rage, - Resistless, overwhelming; horrors seize - The mariners, death in their eyes appears, - They stare, they lave, they pump, they swear, they pray; - Vain efforts! still the batt'ring waves rush in, - Implacable, till delug'd by the foam, - The ship sinks found'ring in the vast abyss. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 63: Two noted alehouses in Oxford, 1700.] - - - - -TWO "ODES." - -BY AMBROSE PHILIPS, ESQ., - -_From among those which suggested the next following Burlesque._ - - -TO MISS MARGARET PULTENEY, DAUGHTER OF DANIEL PULTENEY, ESQ., IN THE -NURSERY. - - _April_ 27, 1727. - - Dimply damsel, sweetly smiling, - All caressing, none beguiling, - Bud of beauty, fairly blowing, - Every charm to nature owing, - This and that new thing admiring, - Much of this and that enquiring, - Knowledge by degrees attaining, - Day by day some virtue gaining, - Ten years hence, when I leave chiming, - Beardless poets, fondly rhyming - (Fescu'd now, perhaps, in spelling), - On thy riper beauties dwelling, - Shall accuse each killing feature - Of the cruel, charming creature, - Whom I knew complying, willing, - Tender, and averse to killing. - - -TO MISS CHARLOTTE PULTENEY, IN HER MOTHER'S ARMS. - - _May_ 1, 1724. - - Timely blossom, infant fair, - Fondling of a happy pair, - Every morn, and every night, - Their solicitous delight, - Sleeping, waking, still at ease, - Pleasing, without skill to please, - Little gossip, blithe and hale, - Tatling many a broken tale, - Singing many a tuneless song, - Lavish of a heedless tongue, - Simple maiden, void of art, - Babbling out the very heart, - Yet abandon'd to thy will, - Yet imagining no ill, - Yet too innocent to blush, - Like the linlet in the bush, - To the mother-linnet's note - Moduling her slender throat, - Chirping forth thy petty joys, - Wanton in the change of toys, - Like the linnet green, in May, - Flitting to each bloomy spray, - Wearied then, and glad of rest, - Like the linlet in the nest. - This thy present happy lot, - This, in time, will be forgot. - Other pleasures, other cares, - Ever-busy time prepares; - And thou shalt in thy daughter see, - This picture, once, resembled thee. - - - - -NAMBY PAMBY: - -OR, A PANEGYRIC ON THE NEW VERSIFICATION ADDRESSED TO A---- P----, ESQ. - - "Nauty Pauty Jack-a-dandy - Stole a piece of sugar-candy - From the Grocer's shoppy-shop, - And away did hoppy-hop." - - - All ye poets of the age, - All ye witlings of the stage, - Learn your jingles to reform: - Crop your numbers, and conform: - Let your little verses flow - Gently, sweetly, row by row. - Let the verse the subject fit, - Little subject, little wit. - Namby Pamby is your guide, - Albion's joy, Hibernia's pride. - Namby Pamby Pilli-pis, - Rhimy pim'd on missy-mis; - Tartaretta Tartaree - From the navel to the knee; - That her father's gracy-grace - Might give him a placy-place. - He no longer writes of mammy - Andromache and her lammy, - Hanging panging at the breast - Of a matron most distrest. - Now the venal poet sings - Baby clouts, and baby things, - Baby dolls and baby houses, - Little misses, little spouses; - Little playthings, little toys, - Little girls, and little boys. - As an actor does his part, - So the nurses get by heart - Namby Pamby's little rhymes, - Little jingle, little chimes. - Namby Pamby ne'er will die - While the nurse sings lullaby. - Namby Pamby's doubly mild, - Once a man, and twice a child; - To his hanging-sleeves restor'd, - Now he foots it like a lord; - Now he pumps his little wits, - All by little tiny bits. - Now methinks I hear him say, - Boys and girls, come out to play, - Moon does shine as bright as day. - Now my Namby Pamby's found - Sitting on the Friar's ground, - Picking silver, picking gold, - Namby Pamby's never old. - Bally-cally they begin, - Namby Pamby still keeps in. - Namby Pamby is no clown, - London Bridge is broken down: - Now he courts the gay ladee, - Dancing o'er the Lady-lee: - Now he sings of lick-spit liar - Burning in the brimstone fire; - Liar, liar, lick-spit, lick, - Turn about the candle-stick. - Now he sings of Jacky Horner - Sitting in the chimney corner, - Eating of a Christmas pie, - Putting in his thumb, oh, fie! - Putting in, oh, fie! his thumb, - Pulling out, oh, strange! a plum. - Now he acts the Grenadier, - Calling for a pot of beer. - Where's his money? he's forgot, - Get him gone, a drunken sot. - Now on cock-horse does he ride; - And anon on timber stride, - See-and-saw and Sacch'ry down, - London is a gallant town. - Now he gathers riches in - Thicker, faster, pin by pin. - Pins apiece to see his show, - Boys and girls flock row by row; - From their clothes the pins they take, - Risk a whipping for his sake; - From their frocks the pins they pull, - To fill Namby's cushion full. - So much wit at such an age, - Does a genius great presage. - Second childhood gone and past, - Should he prove a man at last, - What must second manhood be, - In a child so bright as he! - Guard him, ye poetic powers, - Watch his minutes, watch his hours: - Let your tuneful Nine inspire him, - Let poetic fury fire him: - Let the poets one and all - To his genius victims fall. - - - - -A WORD UPON PUDDING. - - _From_ "A LEARNED DISSERTATION UPON DUMPLING," _to which the - preceding Poem was appended_. - - -What is a tart, a pie, or a pasty, but meat or fruit enclos'd in a -wall or covering of pudding? What is a cake, but a bak'd pudding; or a -Christmas pie, but a minc'd-meat pudding? As for cheese-cakes, custards, -tansies, &c., they are manifest puddings, and all of Sir John's own -contrivance; custard being as old, if not older, than Magna Charta. In -short, pudding is of the greatest dignity and antiquity; bread itself, -which is the very staff of life, being, properly speaking, a bak'd wheat -pudding. - -To the satchel, which is the pudding-bag of ingenuity, we are indebted -for the greatest men in church and state. All arts and sciences owe -their original to pudding or dumpling. What is a bagpipe, the mother of -all music, but a pudding of harmony? Or what is music itself, but a -palatable cookery of sounds? To little puddings or bladders of colours we -owe all the choice originals of the greatest painters. And indeed, what -is painting, but a well-spread pudding, or cookery of colours? - -The head of man is like a pudding. And whence have all rhymes, poems, -plots, and inventions sprang, but from that same pudding? What is -poetry, but a pudding of words? The physicians, tho' they cry out so -much against cooks and cookery, yet are but cooks themselves; with this -difference only, the cooks' pudding lengthens life, the physicians' -shortens it. So that we live and die by pudding. For what is a clyster, -but a bag-pudding? a pill, but a dumpling? or a bolus, but a tansy, tho' -not altogether so toothsome? In a word: physic is only a puddingizing or -cookery of drugs. - - The law is but a - cookery of quibbles and contentions,[64] * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * * is but a pudding of * * * - * * * * * * * * * - * * * Some swallow everything whole and unmix'd; - -so that it may rather be call'd a heap than a pudding. Others are so -squeamish, the greatest mastership in cookery is requir'd to make the -pudding palatable. The suet which others gape and swallow by gobs, must -for these puny stomachs be minced to atoms; the plums must be pick'd -with the utmost care, and every ingredient proportion'd to the greatest -nicety, or it will never go down. - -The universe itself is but a pudding of elements. Empires, kingdoms, -states and republics, are but puddings of people differently made up. The -celestial and terrestrial orbs are decipher'd to us by a pair of globes -or mathematical puddings. - -The success of war and fate of monarchies are entirely dependent on -puddings and dumplings. For what else are cannonballs but military -puddings? or bullets, but dumplings; with this difference only, they do -not sit so well on the stomach as a good marrow pudding or bread pudding. - -In short, there is nothing valuable in art or nature, but what, more -or less, has an allusion to pudding or dumpling. Why, then, should -they be held in disesteem? Why should dumpling-eating be ridiculed, -or dumpling-eaters derided? Is it not pleasant and profitable? Is it -not ancient and honourable? Kings, princes, and potentates have in all -ages been lovers of pudding. Is it not, therefore, of royal authority? -Popes, cardinals, bishops, priests and deacons, have, time out of mind, -been great pudding-eaters. Is it not, therefore, a holy and religious -institution? Philosophers, poets, and learned men in all faculties, -judges, privy councillors, and members of both houses, have, by their -great regard to pudding, given a sanction to it that nothing can efface. -Is it not, therefore, ancient, honourable, and commendable? - - Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores? - -Why do, therefore, the enemies of good eating, the starveling -authors of Grub Street, employ their impotent pens against pudding -and pudding-headed, _alias_ honest men? Why do they inveigh against -dumpling-eating, which is the life and soul of good-fellowship; and -dumpling-eaters, who are the ornaments of civil society? - -But, alas! their malice is their own punishment. The hireling author -of a late scandalous libel, intituled, "The Dumpling-Eaters Downfall," -may, if he has any eyes, now see his error, in attacking so numerous, so -august, a body of people. His books remain unsold, unread, unregarded; -while this treatise of mine shall be bought by all who love pudding or -dumpling; to my bookseller's great joy, and my no small consolation. How -shall I triumph, and how will that mercenary scribbler be mortified, -when I have sold more editions of my books than he has copies of his? -I, therefore, exhort all people, gentle and simple, men, women, and -children, to buy, to read, to extol these labours of mine, for the honour -of dumpling-eating. Let them not fear to defend every article; for I will -bear them harmless. I have arguments good store, and can easily confute, -either logically, theologically, or metaphysically, all those who dare -oppose me. - -Let not Englishmen, therefore, be ashamed of the name of Pudding-eaters; -but, on the contrary, let it be their glory. For let foreigners cry out -ne'er so much against good eating, they come easily into it when they -have been a little while in our land of Canaan; and there are very few -foreigners among us who have not learn'd to make as great a hole in a -good pudding, or sirloin of beef, as the best Englishman of us all. - -Why should we then be laughed out of pudding and dumpling? or why -ridicul'd out of good living? Plots and politics may hurt us, but pudding -cannot. Let us, therefore, adhere to pudding, and keep ourselves out -of harm's way; according to the golden rule laid down by a celebrated -dumpling-eater now defunct: - - "Be of your patron's mind, whate'er he says: - Sleep very much; think little, and talk less: - Mind neither good nor bad, nor right nor wrong; - But eat your pudding, fool, and hold your tongue."--PRIOR. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 64: The cat ran away with this part of the copy, on which the -Author had unfortunately laid some of Mother Crump's sausages.] - - - - -THE TRAGEDY OF TRAGEDIES: OR, THE LIFE AND DEATH OF - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT. - -WITH THE ANNOTATIONS OF H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS. - -FIRST ACTED IN 1730, AND ALTERED IN 1731. - - -H. SCRIBLERUS SECUNDUS, HIS PREFACE. - -The town hath seldom been more divided in its opinion than concerning the -merit of the following scenes. Whilst some publicly affirm that no author -could produce so fine a piece but Mr. P----, others have with as much -vehemence insisted that no one could write anything so bad but Mr. F----. - -Nor can we wonder at this dissension about its merit, when the learned -world have not unanimously decided even the very nature of this tragedy. -For though most of the universities in Europe have honoured it with the -name of "Egregium et maximi pretii opus, tragoediis tam antiquis quam -novis longe anteponendum;" nay, Dr. B---- hath pronounced, "Citius Maevii -AEneadem quam Scribleri istius tragoediam hanc crediderim, cujus autorem -Senecam ipsum tradidisse haud dubitarim:" and the great Professor Burman -hath styled Tom Thumb "Heroum omnium tragicorum facile principem;" nay, -though it hath, among other languages, been translated into Dutch, and -celebrated with great applause at Amsterdam (where burlesque never came) -by the title of Mynheer Vander Thumb, the burgomasters received it with -that reverent and silent attention which becometh an audience at a deep -tragedy. Notwithstanding all this, there have not been wanting some who -have represented these scenes in a ludicrous light; and Mr. D---- hath -been heard to say, with some concern, that he wondered a tragical and -Christian nation would permit a representation on its theatre so visibly -designed to ridicule and extirpate everything that is great and solemn -among us. - -This learned critic and his followers were led into so great an error -by that surreptitious and piratical copy which stole last year into -the world; with what injustice and prejudice to our author will be -acknowledged, I hope, by every one who shall happily peruse this genuine -and original copy. Nor can I help remarking, to the great praise of -our author, that, however imperfect the former was, even that faint -resemblance of the true Tom Thumb contained sufficient beauties to -give it a run of upwards of forty nights to the politest audiences. -But, notwithstanding that applause which it received from all the best -judges, it was as severely censured by some few bad ones, and, I believe -rather maliciously than ignorantly, reported to have been intended a -burlesque on the loftiest parts of tragedy, and designed to banish what -we generally call fine things from the stage. - -Now, if I can set my country right in an affair of this importance, I -shall lightly esteem any labour which it may cost. And this I the rather -undertake, first, as it is indeed in some measure incumbent on me to -vindicate myself from that surreptitious copy before mentioned, published -by some ill-meaning people under my name; secondly, as knowing myself -more capable of doing justice to our author than any other man, as I -have given myself more pains to arrive at a thorough understanding of -this little piece, having for ten years together read nothing else; in -which time, I think, I may modestly presume, with the help of my English -dictionary, to comprehend all the meanings of every word in it. - -But should any error of my pen awaken Clariss. Bentleium to enlighten -the world with his annotations on our author, I shall not think that the -least reward or happiness arising to me from these my endeavours. - -I shall waive at present what hath caused such feuds in the learned -world, whether this piece was originally written by Shakespeare, though -certainly that, were it true, must add a considerable share to its merit, -especially with such who are so generous as to buy and commend what they -never read, from an implicit faith in the author only: a faith which our -age abounds in as much as it can be called deficient in any other. - -Let it suffice, that "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or, The Life and Death -of Tom Thumb," was written in the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Nor can -the objection made by Mr. D----, that the tragedy must then have been -antecedent to the history, have any weight, when we consider that, -though "The History of Tom Thumb" printed by and for Edward M--r, at the -Looking-glass on London Bridge, be of a later date, still must we suppose -this history to have been transcribed from some other, unless we suppose -the writer thereof to be inspired: a gift very faintly contended for by -the writers of our age. As to this history's not bearing the stamp of -second, third, or fourth edition, I see but little in that objection; -editions being very uncertain lights to judge of books by: and perhaps -Mr. M--r may have joined twenty editions in one, as Mr. C--l hath ere now -divided one into twenty. - -Nor doth the other argument, drawn from the little care our author hath -taken to keep up to the letter of this history, carry any greater force. -Are there not instances of plays wherein the history is so perverted, -that we can know the heroes whom they celebrate by no other marks than -their names? nay, do we not find the same character placed by different -poets in such different lights, that we can discover not the least -sameness, or even likeness, in the features? The Sophonisba of Mairet and -of Lee is a tender, passionate, amorous mistress of Massinissa: Corneille -and Mr. Thomson give her no other passion but the love of her country, -and make her as cool in her affection to Massinissa as to Syphax. In the -two latter she resembles the character of Queen Elizabeth; in the two -former she is the picture of Mary Queen of Scotland. In short, the one -Sophonisba is as different from the other as the Brutus of Voltaire is -from the Marius, jun., of Otway, or as the Minerva is from the Venus of -the ancients. - -Let us now proceed to a regular examination of the tragedy before us, in -which I shall treat separately of the Fable, the Moral, the Characters, -the Sentiments, and the Diction. And first of the Fable; which I take -to be the most simple imaginable; and, to use the words of an eminent -author, "one, regular, and uniform, not charged with a multiplicity of -incidents, and yet affording several revolutions of fortune, by which -the passions may be excited, varied, and driven to their full tumult of -emotion." Nor is the action of this tragedy less great than uniform. The -spring of all is the love of Tom Thumb for Huncamunca; which caused the -quarrel between their majesties in the first act; the passion of Lord -Grizzle in the second; the rebellion, fall of Lord Grizzle and Glumdalca, -devouring of Tom Thumb by the cow, and that bloody catastrophe, in the -third. - -Nor is the Moral of this excellent tragedy less noble than the Fable; -it teaches these two instructive lessons, viz., that human happiness is -exceeding transient, and that death is the certain end of all men: the -former whereof is inculcated by the fatal end of Tom Thumb; the latter, -by that of all the other personages. - -The Characters are, I think, sufficiently described in the _dramatis -personae_; and I believe we shall find few plays where greater care is -taken to maintain them throughout, and to preserve in every speech that -characteristical mark which distinguishes them from each other. "But," -says Mr. D----, "how well doth the character of Tom Thumb (whom we -must call the hero of this tragedy, if it hath any hero) agree with -the precepts of Aristotle, who defineth, 'tragedy to be the imitation -of a short but perfect action, containing a just greatness in itself?' -&c. What greatness can be in a fellow whom history related to have been -no higher than a span?" This gentleman seemeth to think, with Serjeant -Kite, that the greatness of a man's soul is in proportion to that of his -body, the contrary of which is affirmed by our English physiognominical -writers. Besides, if I understand Aristotle right, he speaketh only of -the greatness of the action, and not of the person. - -As for the Sentiments and the Diction, which now only remain to be -spoken to, I thought I could afford them no stronger justification than -by producing parallel passages out of the best of our English writers. -Whether this sameness of thought and expression which I have quoted from -them proceeded from an agreement in their way of thinking, or whether -they have borrowed from our author, I leave the reader to determine. I -shall adventure to affirm this of the Sentiments of our author, that -they are generally the most familiar which I have ever met with, and -at the same time delivered with the highest dignity of phrase; which -brings me to speak of his diction. Here I shall only beg one postulatum, -viz., that the greatest perfection of the language of a tragedy is, that -it is not to be understood; which granted (as I think it must be), it -will necessarily follow that the only way to avoid this is by being too -high or too low for the understanding, which will comprehend everything -within its reach. Those two extremities of style Mr. Dryden illustrates -by the familiar image of two inns, which I shall term the aerial and the -subterrestrial. - -Horace goes further, and showeth when it is proper to call at one of -these inns, and when at the other:-- - - Telephus et Peleus, cum pauper et exul uterque, - Projicit ampullas et sesquipedalia verba. - -That he approveth of the _sesquipedalia verba_ is plain; for, had not -Telephus and Peleus used this sort of diction in prosperity, they could -not have dropped it in adversity. The aerial inn, therefore (says -Horace), is proper only to be frequented by princes and other great men -in the highest affluence of fortune; the subterrestrial is appointed for -the entertainment of the poorer sort of people only, whom Horace advises, - - --dolere sermone pedestri. - -The true meaning of both which citations is, that bombast is the proper -language for joy, and doggrel for grief; the latter of which is literally -implied in the _sermo pedestris_, as the former is in the _sesquipedalia -verba_. - -Cicero recommendeth the former of these: "Quid est tam furiosum vel -tragicum quam verborum sonitus inanis, nulla subjecta sententia neque -scientia." What can be so proper for tragedy as a set of big sounding -words, so contrived together as to convey no meaning? which I shall -one day or other prove to be the sublime of Longinus. Ovid declareth -absolutely for the latter inn: - - Omne genus scripti gravitate tragoedia vincit. - -Tragedy hath, of all writings, the greatest share in the bathos; which is -the profound of Scriblerus. - -I shall not presume to determine which of these two styles be properer -for tragedy. It sufficeth that our author excelleth in both. He is -very rarely within sight through the whole play, either rising higher -than the eye of your understanding can soar, or sinking lower than it -careth to stoop. But here it may perhaps be observed that I have given -more frequent instances of authors who have imitated him in the sublime -than in the contrary. To which I answer, first, bombast being properly -a redundancy of genius, instances of this nature occur in poets whose -names do more honour to our author than the writers in the doggrel, -which proceeds from a cool, calm, weighty way of thinking. Instances -whereof are most frequently to be found in authors of a lower class. -Secondly, that the works of such authors are difficultly found at all. -Thirdly, that it is a very hard task to read them, in order to extract -these flowers from them. And lastly, it is very difficult to transplant -them at all; they being like some flowers of a very nice nature, which -will flourish in no soil but their own: for it is easy to transcribe a -thought, but not the want of one. The "Earl of Essex," for instance, is -a little garden of choice rarities, whence you can scarce transplant one -line so as to preserve its original beauty. This must account to the -reader for his missing the names of several of his acquaintance, which -he had certainly found here, had I ever read their works; for which, -if I have not a just esteem, I can at least say with Cicero, "Quae non -contemno, quippe quae nunquam legerim." However, that the reader may meet -with due satisfaction in this point, I have a young commentator from -the university, who is reading over all the modern tragedies, at five -shillings a dozen, and collecting all that they have stole from our -author, which shall be shortly added as an appendix to this work. - - - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - -KING ARTHUR, _a passionate sort of king, husband to_ QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, -_of whom he stands a little in fear: father to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _whom he is -very fond of and in love with_ GLUMDALCA. - -TOM THUMB THE GREAT, _a little hero with a great soul, something violent -in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -GHOST OF GAFFER THUMB, _a whimsical sort of ghost_. - -LORD GRIZZLE, _extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very -choleric in his temper, and in love with_ HUNCAMUNCA. - -MERLIN, _a conjuror, and in some sort father to_ TOM THUMB. - -NOODLE, DOODLE, _courtiers in place, and consequently of that party that -is uppermost_. - -FOODLE, _a courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party -that is undermost_. - -BAILIFF, AND FOLLOWER, _of the party of the plaintiff_. - -PARSON, _of the side of the church_. - -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _wife to_ KING ARTHUR, _and mother to_ HUNCAMUNCA, _a -woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink, a -little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with_ TOM THUMB. - -THE PRINCESS HUNCAMUNCA, _daughter to their_ MAJESTIES KING ARTHUR _and_ -QUEEN DOLLALLOLLA, _of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, -equally in love with_ LORD GRIZZLE _and_ TOM THUMB, _and desirous to be -married to them both_. - -GLUMDALCA, _of the giants, a captive queen, beloved by the king, but in -love with_ TOM THUMB. - -CLEORA, MUSTACHA, _maids of honour in love with_ NOODLE _and_ DOODLE. - -Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning. - - -SCENE.--THE COURT OF KING ARTHUR, AND A PLAIN THEREABOUTS. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I. - -SCENE I.--_The Palace._ - -DOODLE, NOODLE. - - _Doodle._ Sure such a day[65] as this was never seen! - The sun himself, on this auspicious day, - Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit: - This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. - All nature wears one universal grin. - - _Nood._ This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day. - Indeed!--a day, we never saw before.[66] - The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;[67] - Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, - Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall[68] - Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, - While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. - So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, - Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. - - _Dood._ When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, - The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; - Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. - - _Nood._ They tell me it is whisper'd[69] in the books - Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, - By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone - Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. - - _Dood._ Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; - Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place - Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot[70] - This mighty Tom. - - _Nood._ Sure he was sent express[71] - From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. - Though small his body be, so very small - A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, - Yet is his soul like any mountain big; - And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, - So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.[72] - - _Dood._ Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, - The giant nurses frighten children with it,[73] - And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are - Naughty, will surely take the child away. - - _Nood._ But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.[74] - - _Dood._ He comes most luckily for my petition. - [_Flourish._ - - -SCENE II. - -KING, QUEEN, GRIZZLE, NOODLE, DOODLE, FOODLE. - - _King._ Let nothing but a face of joy appear;[75] - The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, - That he may have no face to frown withal. - Smile Dollallolla--Ha! what wrinkled sorrow - Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?[76] - Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, - Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? - - _Queen._ Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,[77] - Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. - - _King._ If it be so, let all men cry for joy, - Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;[78] - Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, - And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. - - _Dood._ My liege, I a petition have here got. - - _King._ Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: - Let other hours be set apart for business. - To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.[79] - And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. - - _Queen._ (Though I already[80] half-seas over am) - If the capacious goblet overflow - With arrack punch----'fore George! I'll see it out: - Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. - - _King._ Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, - And rum and brandy be no more than six, - Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. [_Trumpets._ - But, ha! the warrior comes--the great Tom Thumb, - The little hero, giant-killing boy, - Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived. - - -SCENE III. - -TOM THUMB _to them, with_ OFFICERS, PRISONERS, _and_ ATTENDANTS. - - _King._ Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.[81] - What gratitude can thank away the debt - Your valour lays upon me? - - _Queen._ Oh! ye gods![82] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.[83] - I've done my duty, and I've done no more. - - _Queen._ Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [_Aside._ - - _King._ Thy modesty's a candle[84] to thy merit, - It shines itself, and shows thy merit too. - But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? - - _Thumb._ My liege, without the castle gates they stand, - The castle gates too low for their admittance. - - _King._ What look they like? - - _Thumb._ Like nothing but themselves. - - _Queen._ And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.[85] - [_Aside._ - - _King._ Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. - I see them--yes, I see them now before me: - The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods. - But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes? - So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn[86] - By all the gods in council: so fair she is, - That surely at her birth the council paused, - And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! - - _Thumb._ Then were the gods mistaken--she is not - A woman, but a giantess----whom we, - With much ado, have made a shift to haul[87] - Within the town: for she is by a foot[88] - Shorter than all her subject giants were. - - _Glum._ We yesterday were both a queen and wife, - One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway. - Twenty whereof were married to ourself. - - _Queen._ Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands - Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced - To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. - - _Glum._ But then to lose them all in one black day, - That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife - To twenty giants, setting should behold - Me widow'd of them all.----My worn-out heart,[89] - That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, - My soul, will quickly sink. - - _Queen._ Madam, believe - I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: - But learn to bear them with what strength you may, - To-morrow we will have our grenadiers - Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose - What husbands you think fit. - - _Glum._ Madam, I am[90] - Your most obedient and most humble servant. - - _King._ Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, - Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; - Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. - I feel a sudden pain within my breast,[91] - Nor know I whether it arise from love - Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show. - O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! - Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. - - _Thumb._ I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;[92] - I ask not money, money I've enough; - For what I've done, and what I mean to do, - For giants slain, and giants yet unborn - Which I will slay----if this be call'd a debt, - Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,-- - To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.[93] - - _King._ Prodigious bold request. - - _Queen._ Be still, my soul.[94] [_Aside._ - - _Thumb._ My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,[95] - And waits its answer there.----Oh! do not frown. - I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, - But love did overwind and crack the string. - Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, YOU SHAN'T, - I should have loved her still----for oh, strange fate, - Then when I loved her least I loved her most! - - _King._ It is resolv'd--the princess is your own. - - _Thumb._ Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.[96] - - _Queen._ Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, - But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm - Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. - Let Macedonia Alexander boast, - Let Rome her Caesars and her Scipios show, - Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, - Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, - Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. - - _Queen._ Though greater yet his boasted merit was, - He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. - - _King._ Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? - - _Queen._ I say he shan't. - - _King._ Then by our royal self we swear you lie.[97] - - _Queen._ Who but a dog, who but a dog[98] - Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain - These twenty years so loving by thy side![99] - But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. - Then tremble all who did this match persuade, - For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,[100] - And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. - - _Food._ Her majesty the queen is in a passion.[101] - - _King._ Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl[102] - And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself, - We were indeed a pretty king of clouts - To truckle to her will--for when by force - Or art the wife her husband overreaches, - Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. - - _Thumb._ Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine![103] - Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! - The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, - And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! - I've thrown the bloody garment now aside - And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. - So when some chimney-sweeper all the day - Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, - At night to wash his hands and face he flies, - And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies. - - -SCENE IV. - - _Grizzle (solus)._ Where art thou, Grizzle?[104] where are now thy - glories? - Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? - Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street, - Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, - To-morrow puts it on another's back. - The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd - His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; - Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low. - - -SCENE V. - -QUEEN, GRIZZLE. - - _Queen._ Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,[105] - Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, - Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine - To spout forth words malicious as thyself, - Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. - - _Griz._ Far be it from my pride to think my tongue - Your royal lips can in that art instruct, - Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, - Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? - - _Queen._ Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard - (What ev'ry corner of the court resounds) - That little Thumb will be a great man made? - - _Griz._ I heard it, I confess--for who, alas! - Can[106] always stop his ears?--But would my teeth, - By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! - - _Queen._ Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, - The hallalloo of fire in every street! - Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, - To think I should a grandmother be made - By such a rascal!--Sure the king forgets - When in a pudding, by his mother put, - The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile - Was dropp'd.--Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear - To see him from a pudding mount the throne? - Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear - To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? - - _Griz._ Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen. - Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.[107] - - _Queen._ Then rouse thy spirit--we may yet prevent - This hated match. - - _Griz._ We will; nor fate itself,[108] - Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. - I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds: - I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; - I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; - Fierce as the man whom smiling[109] dolphins bore - From the prosaic to poetic shore. - I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. - - _Queen._ Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; - For, though I would not have him have my daughter, - Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants? - - _Griz._ I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; - He made the giants first, and then he killed them; - As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, - And then with hounds they drive them out again. - - _Queen._ How! have you seen no giants? Are there not - Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants? - - _Griz._ Indeed I cannot positively tell,[110] - But firmly do believe there is not one. - - _Queen._ Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; - By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb. - Go, sirrah! go, hie[111] away! hie!----thou art - A setting-dog: begone. - - _Griz._ Madam, I go. - Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. - So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, - With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, - With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, - And this dog smarts for what that dog has done. - - -SCENE VI. - - _Queen_ [_sola._] And whither shall I go?--Alack a day! - I love Tom Thumb--but must not tell him so; - For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? - A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; - A stocking with a hole in't--I can't live - Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. - Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;[112] - In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. - Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. - But hold!--perhaps I may be left a widow: - This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine: - In that dear hope I will forget my pain. - So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, - With beating hemp and flogging she's content; - She hopes in time to ease her present pain, - At length is free, and walks the streets again. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - -SCENE I.--_The street._ - -BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Come on, my trusty fellow, come on; - This day discharge thy duty, and at night - A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. - Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. - - _Fol._ No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word - Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long - To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him: - To lay arresting hands upon his back, - And drag him trembling to the sponging-house. - - _Bail._ There when I have him, I will sponge upon him. - Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, - I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! - Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. - - _Fol._ Enjoy it then some other time, for now - Our prey approaches. - - _Bail._ Let us retire. - - -SCENE II. - -TOM THUMB, NOODLE, BAILIFF, FOLLOWER. - - _Thumb._ Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;[113] - For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, - Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: - For, oh!--but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,[114] - I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. - - _Nood._ I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. - - _Thumb._ Then know--my grandmamma[115] hath often said. - Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. - - _Nood._ Sir, I blush - To think a warrior, great in arms as you, - Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. - Can an old woman's empty dreams deter - The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? - Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, - When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, - While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, - You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. - - _Thumb._ Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; - Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; - I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: - Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short - For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise - Blushing to see us both alone together.[116] - - _Nood._ Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. - - _Bail._ Oh, sir! I have an action against you. - - _Nood._ At whose suit is it? - - _Bail._ At your tailor's, sir. - Your tailor put this warrant in my hands, - And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. - - _Thumb._ Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! - Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? - But let vain cowards threaten by their word, - Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword. - - [_Kills_ BAILIFF _and_ FOLLOWER. - - _Bail._ Oh, I am slain! - - _Fol._ I am murdered also, - And to the shades, the dismal shades below, - My bailiff's faithful follower I go. - - _Nood._ Go then to hell,[117] like rascals as you are, - And give our service to the bailiffs there. - - _Thumb._ Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, - Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, - And no one fear a bailiff or his writ. - - -SCENE III.--_The Princess_ HUNCAMUNCA'S _Apartment_. - -HUNCAMUNCA, CLEORA, MUSTACHA. - - _Hunc._ Give me some music--see that it be sad.[118] - -CLEORA _sings_. - - Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, - Bring thy quiver to her aid; - With equal ardour wound the swain; - Beauty should never sigh in vain. - - Let him feel the pleasing smart, - Drive the arrow through his heart: - When one you wound, you then destroy; - When both you kill, you kill with joy. - - _Hunc._ O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?[119] - Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? - Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? - Or else the King of Brentford, old or new! - -_Must._ I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a moment's -uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom Thumb the -Great[120]--one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my -husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in -love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had -fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing! - - _Hunc._ Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. - The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, - Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. - The dove is not so gentle to its mate. - -_Must._ The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.--Alas! madam, -there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a man. He is a -perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost without shadow -too. - - _Hunc._ This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; - Or I shall think this railing comes from love. - Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, - That no one can abuse, unless they love him. - -_Must._ Madam, the king. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING HUNCAMUNCA. - - _King._ Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. - [_Exeunt_ CLEORA _and_ MUSTACHA. - Daughter, I have observed of late some grief - Unusual in your countenance; your eyes - That, like two open windows,[121] used to show - The lovely beauty of the rooms within. - Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? - Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? - We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. - - _Hunc._ Alas! my lord, I value not myself - That once I ate two fowls and half a pig; - Small is that praise![122] but oh! a maid may want - What she can neither eat nor drink. - - _King._ What's that? - - _Hunc._ O spare my blushes;[123] but I mean a husband. - - _King._ If that be all, I have provided one, - A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword - Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, - Whose name in Terra Incognita is known, - Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise - Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies. - - _Hunc._ Whom does my royal father mean? - - _King._ Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Is it possible? - - _King._ Ha! the window-blinds are gone; - A country-dance of joy is in your face.[124] - Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. - - _Hunc._ Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound, - Enough to turn me into beef indeed! - Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, - I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. - For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. - - _King._ Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. - A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. - - _Hunc._ Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell - That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. - Oh! I am overjoy'd! - - _King._ I see thou art. - Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;[125] - Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, - As small-shot through a hedge. - - _Hunc._ Oh! say not small. - - _King._ This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, - Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. - Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms - Must still detain the hero from his arms; - Various his duty, various his delight; - Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, - And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,[126] - When with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down to earth, and takes a bit--and then - Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again. - - -SCENE V. - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh![127] - Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass, - Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; - As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, - That thus of me you dare to make your game?[128] - - _Griz._ Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you - A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; - But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; - Love often lords into the cellar bears, - And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. - For what's too high for love, or what's too low? - Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! - - _Hunc._ But, granting all you say of love were true, - My love, alas! is to another due. - In vain to me a suitoring you come, - For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ And can my princess such a durgen wed? - One fitter for your pocket than your bed! - Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, - Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. - Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch, - Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. - Then, while in joys together lost we lie,[129] - I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. - - _Hunc._ If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, - All obstacles of promise you remove; - For all engagements to a man must fall, - Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. - - _Griz._ Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, - Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! - But, by the stars and glory! you appear - Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; - One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, - Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; - The milky way is not so white, that's flat, - And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. - - _Hunc._ Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, - It is impossible to be unkind. - - _Griz._ Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound[130] - From one pole to another pole rebound; - The earth and sky each be a battledore, - And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: - To Doctors Commons for a licence I - Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. - - _Hunc._ Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet, - 'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. - - _Griz._ Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should - By that vile place contaminate her blood; - My quick return shall to my charmer prove - I travel on the post-horses of love.[131] - - _Hunc._ Those post-horses to me will seem too slow - Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they - Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity. - - -SCENE VI. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Thumb._ Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? - Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love, - That light up all with love my waxen soul?[132] - Where is that face which artful nature made - In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?[133] - - _Hunc._ Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,[134] - Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? - What are these praises now to me, since I - Am promised to another? - - _Thumb._ Ha! promised? - - _Hunc._ Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. - - _Thumb._ Then I will tear away the leaf[135] - Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow - So large a gap within its journal-book, - I'll blot it out at least. - - -SCENE VII. - -GLUMDALCA, TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Glum._ I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,[136] - Your brandy-nose proclaims---- - - _Hunc._ I am a princess; - Nor need I ask who you are. - - _Glum._ A giantess; - The queen of those who made and unmade queens. - - _Hunc._ The man whose chief ambition is to be - My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants. - - _Glum._ Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once - Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? - - _Hunc._ Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame - Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. - The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,[137] - May well sit easy on the hand or foot. - - _Glum._ I glory in the number, and when I - Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, - Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. - - _Hunc._ Let me see nearer what this beauty is - That captivates the heart of men by scores. - [_Holds a candle to her face._ - Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. - - _Glum._ You'd give the best of shoes within your shop - To be but half so handsome. - - _Hunc._ Since you come - To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:[138] - Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. - - _Glum._ Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill - That bed where twenty giants used to lie. - - _Thumb._ In the balcony that o'erhangs the stage, - I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage; - One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, - The other shows a little piece of gold; - She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, - And leaves the larger and the baser coin. - - _Glum._ Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this; - I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,[139] - Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. - I'm all within a hurricane, as if - The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.[140] - Confusion,[141] horror, murder, gripes, and death! - - -SCENE VIII. - -KING, GLUMDALCA. - - _King._ Sure never was so sad a king as I![142] - My life is worn as ragged as a coat[143] - A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. - To love a captive and a giantess![144] - Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! - My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, - Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca![145] - Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make, - But an angelic soul was shuffled in. - I am a multitude of walking griefs,[146] - And only on her lips the balm is found - To spread a plaster that might cure them all.[147] - - _Glum._ What do I hear? - - _King._ What do I see? - - _Glum._ Oh! - - _King._ Ah! - - _Glum._ Ah! wretched queen![148] - - _King._ Oh! wretched king! - - _Glum._ Ah![149] - - _King._ Oh! - - -SCENE IX. - -TOM THUMB, HUNCAMUNCA, PARSON. - - _Par._ Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing; - For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night - Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. - - _Thumb._ It shall be my endeavour so to do. - - _Hunc._ Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. - - _Thumb._ It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: - I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;[150] - I'm so transported, I have lost myself.[151] - - _Hunc._ Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small, - That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. - So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, - Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; - In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan. - For ah, the needle was for ever gone. - - _Par._ Long may they live, and love, and propagate, - Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! - So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,[152] - Another and another still succeeds: - By thousands and ten thousands they increase, - Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese. - - -SCENE X. - -NOODLE, _and then_ GRIZZLE. - - _Nood._ Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,[153] - Or else unfix the world, and in a rage - To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; - All things are so confused, the king's in love, - The queen is drunk, the princess married is. - - _Griz._ Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? - - _Nood._ I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none - Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone. - The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. - - _Griz._ D--n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?[154] - I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. - - _Nood._ By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ My Huncamunca![155] - - _Nood._ Your Huncamunca, - Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. - - _Griz._ If this be true, all womankind are curst. - - _Nood._ If it be not, may I be so myself. - - _Griz._ See where she comes! I'll not believe a word - Against that face, upon whose ample brow[156] - Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. - - -GRIZZLE, HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Griz._ Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. - The licence in my hand! - - _Hunc._ Alas! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ Why dost thou mention him? - - _Hunc._ Ah, me! Tom Thumb. - - _Griz._ What means my lovely Huncamunca? - - _Hunc._ Hum? - - _Griz._ Oh! speak. - - _Hunc._ Hum! - - _Griz._ Ha! your every word is hum: - You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.[157] - Tom Thumb--I'm on the rack--I'm in a flame. - Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb--you love the name;[158] - So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb, - You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. - - _Hunc._ Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! - My ample heart for more than one has room: - A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. - I married him, and now I'll marry you.[159] - - _Griz._ Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? - Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? - Since to that office one cannot suffice, - And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, - Go, get your husband put into commission. - Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) - The duty of a husband to your highness. - Yet think not long I will my rival bear, - Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; - The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined - Within the hollow caverns of my mind, - In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, - Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, - And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.[160] - So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,[161] - A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, - Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, - Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along. - The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen, - Together cram the dirty and the clean, - And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. - - _Hunc._ Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay - My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day, - I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, - May go again this night alone to bed. - So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,[162] - Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, - To give the preference to either loth, - And fondly coveting to sit on both, - While the two stools her sitting-part confound, - Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground. - - * * * * * - - -ACT III. - -SCENE I.--KING ARTHUR'S _Palace._ - -_Ghost_[163] (_solus_). Hail! ye black horrors of midnight's midnoon! - - Ye fairies, goblins, bats, and screech-owls, hail! - And, oh! ye mortal watchmen, whose hoarse throats - Th' immortal ghosts dread croakings counterfeit, - All hail!--Ye dancing phantoms, who, by day, - Are some condemn'd to fast, some feast in fire, - Now play in churchyards, skipping o'er the graves, - To the loud music of the silent bell,[164] - All hail! - - -SCENE II. - -KING, GHOST. - - _King_. What noise is this? What villain dares, - At this dread hour, with feet and voice profane, - Disturb our royal walls? - - _Ghost_. One who defies - Thy empty power to hurt him; one who dares[165] - Walk in thy bedchamber. - - _King_. Presumptuous slave! - Thou diest. - - _Ghost_. Threaten others with that word: - I am a ghost, and am already dead.[166] - - _King_. Ye stars! 'tis well. Were thy last hour to come, - This moment had been it; yet by thy shroud[167] - I'll pull thee backward, squeeze thee to a bladder, - Till thou dost groan thy nothingness away. - Thou fly'st! 'Tis well. [GHOST _retires_. - I thought what was the courage of a ghost![168] - Yet, dare not, on thy life--Why say I that, - Since life thou hast not?--Dare not walk again - Within these walls, on pain of the Red Sea. - For, if henceforth I ever find thee here, - As sure, sure as a gun, I'll have thee laid---- - - _Ghost._ Were the Red Sea a sea of Hollands gin, - The liquor (when alive) whose very smell - I did detest, did loathe--yet, for the sake - Of Thomas Thumb, I would be laid therein. - - _King._ Ha! said you? - - _Ghost._ Yes, my liege, I said Tom Thumb, - Whose father's ghost I am--once not unknown - To mighty Arthur. But, I see, 'tis true, - The dearest friend, when dead, we all forget. - - _King._ 'Tis he--it is the honest Gaffer Thumb. - Oh! let me press thee in my eager arms, - Thou best of ghosts! thou something more than ghost! - - _Ghost._ Would I were something more, that we again - Might feel each other in the warm embrace. - But now I have th' advantage of my king, - For I feel thee, whilst thou dost not feel me.[169] - - _King._ But say, thou dearest air,[170] oh! say what dread, - Important business sends thee back to earth? - - _Ghost._ Oh! then prepare to hear--which but to hear - Is full enough to send thy spirit hence. - Thy subjects up in arms, by Grizzle led, - Will, ere the rosy-finger'd morn shall ope - The shutters of the sky, before the gate - Of this thy royal palace, swarming spread. - So have I seen the bees in clusters swarm,[171] - So have I seen the stars in frosty nights, - So have I seen the sand in windy days, - So have I seen the ghosts on Pluto's shore, - So have I seen the flowers in spring arise, - So have I seen the leaves in autumn fall, - So have I seen the fruits in summer smile, - So have I seen the snow in winter frown. - - _King._ D--n all thou hast seen!--dost thou, beneath the shape - Of Gaffer Thumb, come hither to abuse me - With similes, to keep me on the rack? - Hence--or, by all the torments of thy hell, - I'll run thee through the body, though thou'st none.[172] - - _Ghost._ Arthur, beware! I must this moment hence, - Not frighted by your voice, but by the cocks! - Arthur, beware, beware, beware, beware! - Strive to avert thy yet impending fate; - For, if thou'rt kill'd to-day, - To-morrow all thy care will come too late. - - -SCENE III. - -KING, _solus_. - - _King._ Oh! stay, and leave me not uncertain thus! - And, whilst thou tellest me what's like my fate, - Oh! teach me how I may avert it too! - Curs'd be the man who first a simile made! - Curs'd ev'ry bard who writes--So have I seen! - Those whose comparisons are just and true, - And those who liken things not like at all. - The devil is happy that the whole creation - Can furnish out no simile to his fortune. - - -SCENE IV. - -KING, QUEEN. - - _Queen._ What is the cause, my Arthur, that you steal - Thus silently from Dollallolla's breast? - Why dost thou leave me in the dark alone,[173] - When well thou know'st I am afraid of sprites? - - _King._ Oh, Dollallolla! do not blame my love! - I hoped the fumes of last night's punch had laid - Thy lovely eyelids fast; but, oh! I find - There is no power in drams to quiet wives; - Each morn, as the returning sun, they wake, - And shine upon their husbands. - - _Queen._ Think, oh, think! - What a surprise it must be to the sun, - Rising, to find the vanish'd world away. - What less can be the wretched wife's surprise - When, stretching out her arms to fold thee fast, - She found her useless bolster in her arms. - Think, think, on that.--Oh! think, think well on that![174] - I do remember also to have read - In Dryden's Ovid's Metamorphoses,[175] - That Jove in form inanimate did lie - With beauteous Danae: and, trust me, love, - I fear'd the bolster might have been a Jove.[176] - - _King._ Come to my arms, most virtuous of thy sex! - Oh, Dollallolla! were all wives like thee, - So many husbands never had worn horns. - Should Huncamunca of thy worth partake, - Tom Thumb indeed were blest.--Oh, fatal name - For didst thou know one quarter what I know, - Then wouldst thou know--alas! what thou wouldst know! - - _Queen._ What can I gather hence? Why dost thou speak - Like men who carry rareeshows about? - "Now you shall see, gentlemen, what you shall see." - O, tell me more, or thou hast told too much. - - -SCENE V. - -KING, QUEEN, NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Long life attend your majesties serene, - Great Arthur, king, and Dollallolla, queen! - Lord Grizzle, with a bold rebellious crowd, - Advances to the palace, threat'ning loud, - Unless the princess be deliver'd straight, - And the victorious Thumb, without his pate, - They are resolv'd to batter down the gate. - - -SCENE VI. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, NOODLE. - - _King._ See where the princess comes! Where is Tom Thumb? - - _Hunc._ Oh! sir, about an hour and half ago - He sallied out t' encounter with the foe, - And swore, unless his fate had him misled, - From Grizzle's shoulders to cut off his head, - And serve't up with your chocolate in bed. - - _King._ 'Tis well, I found one devil told us both. - Come, Dollallolla, Huncamunca, come; - Within we'll wait for the victorious Thumb: - In peace and safety we secure may stay, - While to his arm we trust the bloody fray; - Though men and giants should conspire with gods, - He is alone equal to all these odds.[177] - - _Queen._ He is, indeed, a helmet to us all;[178] - While he supports we need not fear to fall; - His arm despatches all things to our wish, - And serves up ev'ry foe's head in a dish. - Void is the mistress of the house of care, - While the good cook presents the bill of fare; - Whether the cod, that northern king of fish, - Or duck, or goose, or pig, adorn the dish, - No fears the number of her guests afford, - But at her hour she sees the dinner on the board. - - -SCENE VII.--_Plain._ - -GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS. - - _Griz._ Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; - For, though we have not fought, yet we have found - No enemy to fight withal.[179] - - _Food._ Yet I, - Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, - This first of April to engage our foes.[180] - - _Griz._ This day, of all the days of the year, I'd choose, - For on this day my grandmother was born. - Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; - Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew,[181] - And send it post to the Elysian shades. - - _Food._ I'm glad to find our army is so stout, - Nor does it move my wonder less than joy. - - _Griz._ What friends we have, and how we came so strong,[182] - I'll softly tell you as we march along. - - -SCENE VIII.--_Thunder and Lightning._ - -TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _cum suis._ - - _Thumb._ Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? - The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads,[183] - As if the gods meant to unhinge the world,[184] - And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; - Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ What voice is this I hear? - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Again it calls. - - _Merl._ Tom Thumb! - - _Glum._ It calls again. - - _Thumb._ Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not. - - _Merl._ Thou hast no cause to fear--I am thy friend, - Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, - And to my art thou dost thy being owe. - - _Thumb._ How? - - _Merl._ Hear, then, the mystic getting of Tom Thumb. - - His father was a ploughman plain, - His mother milk'd the cow; - And yet the way to get a son - This couple knew not how, - Until such time the good old man - To learned Merlin goes, - And there to him, in great distress, - In secret manner shows - How in his heart he wish'd to have - A child, in time to come, - To be his heir, though it may be - No bigger than his thumb: - Of which old Merlin was foretold - That he his wish should have; - And so a son of stature small - The charmer to him gave.[185] - - Thou'st heard the past--look up and see the future. - - _Thumb._ Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink;[186] - See there, Glumdalca, see another me![187] - - _Glum._ O, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd - By the expanded jaws of a red cow. - - _Merl._ Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, - For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes.[188] - See from afar a theatre arise; - There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay - To the heroic actions of this day; - Then buskin tragedy at length shall choose - Thy name the best supporter of her muse. - - _Thumb._ Enough: let every warlike music sound. - We fall contented, if we fall renown'd. - - -SCENE IX. - -LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, REBELS, _on one side_; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, _on -the other._ - - _Food._ At length the enemy advances nigh, - I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.[189] - - _Griz._ Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, - And liberty the mustard is of life.[190] - - _Thumb._ Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name? - - _Griz._ Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?[191] - - _Thumb._ The same. - - _Griz._ Come on, our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; - For liberty I fight. - - _Thumb._ And I for love. - - [_A bloody engagement between the two armies; drums beating, - trumpets sounding, thunder, lightning, They fight off and on - several times. Some fall._ GRIZZLE _and_ GLUMDALCA _remain._ - - _Glum._ Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly. - - _Griz._ Away--thou art too ignoble for my arm. - - _Glum._ Have at thy heart. - - _Griz._ Nay, then I thrust at thine. - - _Glum._ You push too well; you've run me through the body, - And I am dead. - - _Griz._ Then there's an end of one. - - _Thumb._ When thou art dead, then there's an end of two. - Villain.[192] - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Rebel! - - _Griz._ Tom Thumb! - - _Thumb._ Hell! - - _Griz._ Huncamunca! - - _Thumb._ Thou hast it there. - - _Griz._ Too sure I feel it. - - _Thumb._ To hell then, like a rebel as you are, - And give my service to the rebels there. - - _Griz._ Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy - Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send - My ghost to fetch her to the other world;[193] - It shall but bait at heaven, and then return.[194] - But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains:[195] - Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul,[196] - And gently whispers it to haste away. - I come, I come, most willingly I come. - So when some city wife, for country air, - To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, - Her to make haste her husband does implore, - And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door:" - With equal wish, desirous to be gone, - She gets into the coach, and then she cries--"Drive on!" - - _Thumb._ With those last words he vomited his soul,[197] - Which, like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.[198] - Bear off the body, and cut off the head, - Which I will to the king in triumph lug. - Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast. - - -SCENE X. - -KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, COURTIERS. - - _King._ Open the prisons, set the wretched free, - And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds - To pay their debts. Let no one weep to-day. - Come, Dollallolla; curse that odious name![199] - It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it. - By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll, - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my tongue. Come, sit thee down. - Here seated let us view the dancers' sports; - Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day - Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb; - Tom Thumb! who wins two victories to-day,[200] - And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head. [_A dance here._ - - _Nood._ Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible--Oh! oh! - Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! - Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! - Howl wolves; grunt, bears; hiss, snakes; shriek, all ye ghosts![201] - - _King._ What does the blockhead mean? - - _Nood._ I mean, my liege, - Only to grace my tale with decent horror.[202] - Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high, - I look'd abroad into the streets below, - I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob; - Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links, - Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, drabs; - Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle; - When of a sudden through the streets there came - A cow, of larger than the usual size, - And in a moment--guess, oh! guess the rest!-- - And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb. - - _King._ Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer - Not give three farthings out--hang all the culprits, - Guilty or not--no matter. Kill my cows! - Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys! - Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose, - To rob, impose on, and to kill the world. - - _Nood._ Her majesty the queen is in a swoon. - - _Queen._ Not so much in a swoon but I have still - Strength to reward the messenger of ill news. - [_Kills_ NOODLE. - - _Nood._ Oh! I am slain. - - _Cle._ My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. - [_Kills the_ QUEEN. - - _Hunc._ My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware. - [_Kills_ CLEORA. - - _Dood._ This for an old grudge to thy heart. - [_Kills_ HUNCAMUNCA. - - _Must._ And this - I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [_Kills_ DOODLE. - - _King._ Ha! murderess vile, take that. [_Kills_ MUST. - And take thou this.[203] [_Kills himself, and falls._ - So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards, - Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards, - Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down, - Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown; - So all our pack upon the floor is cast, - And all I boast is--that I fall the last. [_Dies._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 65: Corneille recommends some very remarkable day wherein to -fix the action of a tragedy. This the best of our tragical writers have -understood to mean a day remarkable for the serenity of the sky, or what -we generally call a fine summer's day: so that, according to this their -exposition, the same months are proper for tragedy which are proper for -pastoral. Most of our celebrated English tragedies, as Cato, Mariamne, -Tamerlane, &c., begin with their observations on the morning. Lee seems -to have come the nearest to this beautiful description of our author's:-- - - "The morning dawns with an unwonted crimson, - The flowers all odorous seem, the garden birds - Sing louder, and the laughing sun ascends - The gaudy earth with an unusual brightness: - All nature smiles."--"Caes. Borg." - -Massinissa, in the new Sophonisba, is also a favourite of the sun:-- - - "The sun too seems - As conscious of my joy, with broader eye - To look abroad the world, and all things smile - Like Sophonisba." - -Memnon, in the Persian Princess, makes the sun decline rising, that he -may not peep on objects which would profane his brightness:-- - - "The morning rises slow, - And all those ruddy streaks that used to paint - The day's approach are lost in clouds, as if - The horrors of the night had sent 'em back, - To warn the sun he should not leave the sea, - To peep," &c. -] - -[Footnote 66: This line is highly conformable to the beautiful simplicity -of the ancients. It hath been copied by almost every modern:-- - - "Not to be is not to be in woe."--"State of Innocence." - - "Love is not sin but where 'tis sinful love."--"Don Sebastian." - - "Nature is nature, Laelius."--"Sophonisba." - - "Men are but men, we did not make ourselves."--"Revenge." -] - -[Footnote 67: Dr. B--y reads. The mighty Tall-mast Thumb. Mr. D--s, The -mighty Thumbing Thumb. Mr. T--d reads, Thundering. I think Thomas more -agreeable to the great simplicity so apparent in our author.] - -[Footnote 68: That learned historian Mr. S--n, in the third number of his -criticism on our author, takes great pains to explode this passage. "It -is," says he, "difficult to guess what giants are here meant, unless the -giant Despair in the 'Pilgrim's Progress,' or the giant Greatness in the -'Royal Villain;' for I have heard of no other sort of giants in the reign -of king Arthur." Petrus Burmannus makes three Tom Thumbs, one whereof -he supposes to have been the same person whom the Greeks call Hercules; -and that by these giants are to be understood the Centaurs slain by that -hero. Another Tom Thumb he contends to have been no other than the Hermes -Trismegistus of the ancients. The third Tom Thumb he places under the -reign of king Arthur; to which third Tom Thumb, says he, the actions of -the other two were attributed. Now, though I know that this opinion is -supported by an assertion of Justus Lipsius, "Thomam illum Thumbum non -alium quam Herculem fuisse satis constat," yet shall I venture to oppose -one line of Mr. Midwinter against them all: - - "In Arthur's court Tom Thumb did live." - -"But then," says Dr. B--y, "if we place Tom Thumb in the court of king -Arthur, it will be proper to place that court out of Britain, where no -giants were ever heard of." Spenser, in his "Fairy Queen," is of another -opinion, where, describing Albion, he says:-- - - "Far within a savage nation dwelt - Of hideous gants." - -And in the same canto:-- - - "Then Elfar, with two brethren giants had - The one of which had two heads-- - The other three." - -Risum teneatis, amici.] - -[Footnote 69: "To whisper in books," says Mr. D--s, "is arrant nonsense." -I am afraid this learned man does not sufficiently understand the -extensive meaning of the word whisper. If he had rightly understood what -is meant by the "senses whisp'ring the soul," in the Persian Princess, or -what "whisp'ring like winds" is in Aurengzebe, or like thunder in another -author, he would have understood this. Emmeline in Dryden sees a voice, -but she was born blind, which is an excuse Panthea cannot plead in Cyrus, -who hears a sight: - - "Your description will surpass - All fiction, painting, or dumb show of horror, - That ever ears yet heard, or eyes beheld." - -When Mr. D--s understands these, he will understand whispering in books.] - -[Footnote 70: - - "Some ruffian stept into his father's place, - And more than half begot him."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 71: - - "For Ulamar seems sent express from Heaven, - To civilize this rugged Indian clime."--"Lib. Asserted." -] - -[Footnote 72: "Omne majus continet in se minus, sed minus non in se majus -continere potest," says Scaliger in Thumbo. I suppose he would have -cavilled at these beautiful lines in the "Earl of Essex:" - - "Thy most inveterate soul, - That looks through the foul prison of thy body." - -And at those of Dryden: - - "The palace is without too well design'd; - Conduct me in, for I will view thy mind."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 73: Mr. Banks hath copied this almost verbatim: - - "It was enough to say, here's Essex come, - And nurses still'd their children with the fright."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 74: The trumpet in a tragedy is generally as much as to say: -Enter king, which makes Mr. Banks, in one of his plays, call it the -trumpet's formal sound.] - -[Footnote 75: Phraortes, in the Captives, seems to have been acquainted -with king Arthur: - - "Proclaim a festival for seven days' space, - Let the court shine in all its pomp and lustre, - Let all our streets resound with shouts of joy; - Let music's care-dispelling voice be heard; - The sumptuous banquet and the flowing goblet - Shall warm the cheek and fill the heart with gladness. - Astarbe shall sit mistress of the feast." -] - -[Footnote 76: - - "Repentance frowns on thy contracted brow."--"Sophonisba." - - "Hung on his clouded brow, I mark'd despair."--_Ibid._ - - "A sullen gloom - Scowls on his brow."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 77: Plato is of this opinion, and so is Mr. Banks:-- - - "Behold these tears sprung from fresh pain and joy."--"Earl of Essex." -] - -[Footnote 78: These floods are very frequent in the tragic authors:-- - - "Near to some murmuring brook I'll lay me down, - Whose waters, if they should too shallow flow, - My tears shall swell them up till I will drown."--Lee's "Soph." - - "Pouring forth tears at such a lavish rate, - That were the world on fire they might have drown'd - The wrath of heaven, and quench'd the mighty ruin."--"Mithridates." - -One author changes the waters of grief to those of joy: - - "These tears, that sprung from tides of grief, - Are now augmented to a flood of joy."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Another: - - "Turns all the streams of heat, and makes them flow - In pity's channel."--"Royal Villain." - -One drowns himself: - - "Pity like a torrent pours me down, - Now I am drowning all within a deluge."--"Anna Bullen." - -Cyrus drowns the whole world: - - "Our swelling grief - Shall melt into a deluge, and the world - Shall drown in tears."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 79: An expression vastly beneath the dignity of tragedy, says -Mr. D--s, yet we find the word he cavils at in the mouth of Mithridates -less properly used, and applied to a more terrible idea: - - "I would be drunk with death."--"Mithridates." - -The author of the new Sophonisba taketh hold of this monosyllable, and -uses it pretty much to the same purpose:-- - - "The Carthaginian sword with Roman blood - Was drunk." - -I would ask Mr. D--s which gives him the best idea, a drunken king, or a -drunken sword? - -Mr. Tate dresses up king Arthur's resolution in heroic: - - "Merry, my lord, o' th' captain's humour right, - I am resolved to be dead drunk to-night." - -Lee also uses this charming word: - - "Love's the drunkenness of the mind."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 80: Dryden hath borrowed this, and applied it improperly: - - "I'm half-seas o'er in death."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 81: This figure is in great use among the tragedians: - - "'Tis therefore, therefore 'tis."--"Victim." - - "I long, repent, repent, and long again."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 82: A tragical exclamation.] - -[Footnote 83: This line is copied verbatim in the Captives.] - -[Footnote 84: We find a candlestick for this candle in two celebrated -authors: - - "Each star withdraws - His golden head, and burns within the socket."--"Nero." - - "A soul grown old and sunk into the socket."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 85: This simile occurs very frequently among the dramatic -writers of both kinds.] - -[Footnote 86: Mr. Lee hath stolen this thought from our author: - - "This perfect face, drawn by the gods in council, - Which they were long in making."--"Luc. Jun. Brut." - - "At his birth the heavenly council paused, - And then at last cried out, This is a man!" - -Dryden hath improved this hint to the utmost perfection: - - "So perfect, that the very gods who form'd you wonder'd - At their own skill, and cried, A lucky hit - Has mended our design! Their envy hinder'd, - Or you had been immortal, and a pattern, - When Heaven would work for ostentation sake, - To copy out again."--"All for Love." - -Banks prefers the works of Michael Angelo to that of the gods: - - "A pattern for the gods to make a man by, - Or Michael Angelo to form a statue." -] - -[Footnote 87: It is impossible, says Mr. W----, sufficiently to admire -this natural easy line.] - -[Footnote 88: This tragedy, which in most points resembles the ancients, -differs from them in this--that it assigns the same honour to lowness -of stature which they did to height. The gods and heroes in Homer and -Virgil are continually described higher by the head than their followers, -the contrary of which is observed by our author. In short, to exceed on -either side is equally admirable; and a man of three foot is as wonderful -a sight as a man of nine.] - -[Footnote 89: - - "My blood leaks fast, and the great heavy lading - My soul will quickly sink."--"Mithridates." - - "My soul is like a ship."--"Injured Love." -] - -[Footnote 90: This well-bred line seems to be copied in the Persian -Princess: - - "To be your humblest and most faithful slave." -] - -[Footnote 91: This doubt of the king puts me in mind of a passage in -the "Captives," where the noise of feet is mistaken for the rustling of -leaves:-- - - "Methinks I hear - The sound of feet: - No; 'twas the wind that shook yon cypress boughs." -] - -[Footnote 92: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this passage in his eye in the -first page of Love Triumphant.] - -[Footnote 93: Don Carlos, in the Revenge, suns himself in the charms of -his mistress: - - "While in the lustre of her charms I lay." -] - -[Footnote 94: A tragical phrase much in use.] - -[Footnote 95: This speech hath been taken to pieces by several tragical -authors, who seem to have rifled it, and share its beauties among them: - - "My soul waits at the portal of thy breast, - To ravish from thy lips the welcome news."--"Anna Bullen." - - "My soul stands list'ning at my ears."--"Cyrus the Great." - - "Love to his tune my jarring heart would bring, - But reason overwinds, and cracks the string."--"D. of Guise." - - "I should have loved - Though Jove, in muttering thunder, had forbid it."--"New Sophonisba." - - "And when it (_my heart_) wild resolves to love no more, - Then is the triumph of excessive love."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 96: Massinissa is one-fourth less happy than Tom Thumb. - - "Oh! happy, happy, happy!"--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 97: - - "No by myseif."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 98: - - "Who caused - This dreadful revolution in my fate, - Ulamar. Who but a dog--who but a dog?"--"Liberty As." -] - -[Footnote 99: - - "A bride, - Who twenty years lay loving by your side."--Banks. -] - -[Footnote 100: - - "For, borne upon a cloud, from high I'll fall, - And rain down royal vengeance on you all."--"Alb. Queens." -] - -[Footnote 101: An information very like this we have in the tragedy of -Love, where Cyrus, having stormed in the most violent manner, Cyaxares -observes very calmly, "Why, nephew Cyrus, you are moved?"] - -[Footnote 102: - - "'Tis in your choice. - Love me, or love me not."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 103: There is not one beauty in this charming speech but what -hath been borrow'd by almost every tragic writer.] - -[Footnote 104: Mr. Banks has (I wish I could not say too servilely) -imitated this of Grizzle in his Earl of Essex: - - "Where art thou, Essex," &c. -] - -[Footnote 105: The Countess of Nottingham, in the Earl of Essex, is -apparently acquainted with Dollallolla.] - -[Footnote 106: Grizzle was not probably possessed of that glue of which -Mr. Banks speaks in his Cyrus: - - "I'll glue my ears to every word." -] - -[Footnote 107: - - "Screech-owls, dark ravens, and amphibious monsters, - Are screaming in that voice."--"Mary Queen of Scots." -] - -[Footnote 108: The reader may see all the beauties of this speech in a -late ode, called the "Naval Lyrick."] - -[Footnote 109: This epithet to a dolphin doth not give one so clear an -idea as were to be wished; a smiling fish seeming a little more difficult -to be imagined than a flying fish. Mr. Dryden is of opinion that smiling -is the property of reason, and that no irrational creature can smile: - - "Smiles not allow'd to beasts from reason move."--"State of Innocence." -] - -[Footnote 110: These lines are written in the same key with those in the -Earl of Essex: - - "Why, say'st thou so? I love thee well, indeed - I do, and thou shalt find by this 'tis true." - -Or with this in Cyrus: - - "The most heroic mind that ever was." - -And with above half of the modern tragedies.] - -[Footnote 111: Aristotle, in that excellent work of his, which is very -justly styled his masterpiece, earnestly recommends using the terms of -art, however coarse or even indecent they may be. Mr. Tate is of the same -opinion. - - "_Bru._ Do not, like young hawks, fetch a course about. - Your game flies fair. - - _Fra._ Do not fear it. - He answers you in your hawking phrase."--"In Love." - -I think these two great authorities are sufficient to justify Dollallolla -in the use of the phrase, "Hie away, hie!" when in the same line she says -she is speaking to a setting-dog.] - -[Footnote 112: We meet with such another pair of scales in Dryden's King -Arthur: - - "Arthur and Oswald, and their different fates, - Are weighing now within the scales of heaven." - -Also in Sebastian:-- - - "This hour my lot is weighing in the scales." -] - -[Footnote 113: Mr. Rowe is generally imagined to have taken some hints -from this scene in his character of Bajazet; but as he, of all the tragic -writers, bears the least resemblance to our author in his diction, I am -unwilling to imagine he would condescend to copy him in this particular.] - -[Footnote 114: This method of surprising an audience, by raising their -expectation to the highest pitch, and then baulking it, hath been -practised with great success by most of our tragical authors.] - -[Footnote 115: Almeyda, in Sebastian, is in the same distress:-- - - "Sometimes methinks I hear the groan of ghosts, - Thin hollow sounds and lamentable screams; - Then like a dying echo from afar, - My mother's voice that cries, Wed not, Almeyda; - Forewarn'd, Almeyda, marriage is thy crime." -] - -[Footnote 116: "As very well he may, if he hath any modesty in him," says -Mr. D--s. The author of Busiris is extremely zealous to prevent the sun's -blushing at any indecent object; and therefore on all such occasions he -addresses himself to the sun, and desires him to keep out of the way. - - "Rise never more, O sun! let night prevail. - Eternal darkness close the world's wide scene."--"Busiris." - - "Sun, hide thy face, and put the world in mourning."--_Ibid._ - -Mr. Banks makes the sun perform the office of Hymen, and therefore not -likely to be disgusted at such a sight: - - "The sun sets forth like a gay brideman with you."--"Mary Queen of - Scots." -] - -[Footnote 117: Neurmahal sends the same message to heaven: - - "For I would have you, when you upwards move, - Speak kindly of us to our friends above."--"Aurengzebe." - -We find another to hell in the Persian Princess: - - "Villain, get thee down - To hell, and tell them that the fray's begun." -] - -[Footnote 118: Anthony gives the same command in the same words.] - -[Footnote 119: - - "Oh! Marius, Marius, wherefore art thou, Marius?"--Otway's "Marius." -] - -[Footnote 120: Nothing is more common than these seeming contradictions; -such as-- - - "Haughty weakness."--"Victim." - - "Great small world."--"Noah's Flood." -] - -[Footnote 121: Lee hath improved this metaphor: - - "Dost thou not view joy peeping from my eyes, - The casements open'd wide to gaze on thee? - So Rome's glad citizens to windows rise, - When they some young triumpher fain would see."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 122: Almahide hath the same contempt for these appetities: - - "To eat and drink can no perfection be.--"Conquest of Granada." - -The Earl of Essex is of a different opinion, and seems to place the chief -happiness of a general therein: - - "Were but commanders half so well rewarded, - Then they might eat."--Banks's "Earl of Essex." - -But, if we may believe one who knows more than either, the devil himself, -we shall find eating to be an affair of more moment than is generally -imagined: - - "Gods are immortal only by their food."-- - -"Lucifer, in the State of Innocence."] - -[Footnote 123: "This expression is enough of itself," says Mr. D., -"utterly to destroy the character of Huncamunca!" Yet we find a woman of -no abandoned character in Dryden adventuring farther, and thus excusing -herself: - - "To speak our wishes first, forbid it pride, - Forbid it modesty; true, they forbid it, - But Nature does not. When we are athirst, - Or hungry, will imperious Nature stay, - Nor eat, nor drink, before 'tis bid fall on?"-- - "Cleomenes." - -Cassandra speaks before she is asked: Huncamunca afterwards. Cassandra -speaks her wishes to her lover: Huncamunca only to her father.] - -[Footnote 124: - - "Her eyes resistless magic bear: - Angels, I see, and gods, are dancing there,"--Lee's "Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 125: Mr. Dennis, in that excellent tragedy called Liberty -Asserted, which is thought to have given so great a stroke to the late -French king, hath frequent imitations of this beautiful speech of king -Arthur: - - "Conquest light'ning in his eyes, and thund'ring in his arm." - "Joy lighten'd in her eyes." - "Joys like light'ning dart along my soul." -] - -[Footnote 126: - - "Jove, with excessive thund'ring tired above, - Comes down for ease, enjoys a nymph, and then - Mounts dreadful, and to thund'ring goes again."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 127: This beautiful line, which ought, says Mr. W----, to be -written in gold, is imitated in the New Sophonisba: - - "Oh! Sophonisba; Sophonisba, oh! - Oh! Narva; Narva, oh!" - -The author of a song called Duke upon Duke hath improved it: - - "Alas! O Nick! O Nick, alas!" - -Where, by the help of a little false spelling, you have two meanings in -the repeated words.] - -[Footnote 128: Edith, in the Bloody Brother, speaks to her lover in the -same familiar language: - - "Your grace is full of game." -] - -[Footnote 129: - - "Traverse the glitt'ring chambers of the sky, - Borne on a cloud in view of fate I'll lie, - And press her soul while gods stand wishing by."--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 130: - - "Let the four winds from distant corners meet, - And on their wings first bear it into France; - Then back again to Edina's proud walls, - Till victim to the sound th' aspiring city falls."--"Albion Queens." -] - -[Footnote 131: I do not remember any metaphors so frequent in the tragic -poets as those borrowed from riding post. - - "The gods and opportunity ride post."--"Hannibal." - - "Let's rush together, - For death rides post."--"Duke of Guise." - - "Destruction gallops to thy murder post."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 132: This image, too, very often occurs: - - "Bright as when thy eye - First lighted up our loves."--"Aurengzebe." - - "'Tis not a crown alone lights up my name."--"Busiris." -] - -[Footnote 133: There is great dissension among the poets concerning the -method of making man. One tells his mistress that the mould she was made -in being lost, Heaven cannot form such another. Lucifer, in Dryden, gives -a merry description of his own formation: - - "Whom heaven, neglecting, made and scarce design'd, - But threw me in for number to the rest."--"State of Innocence." - -In one place the same poet supposes man to be made of metal: - - "I was form'd - Of that coarse metal which, when she was made, - The gods threw by for rubbish."--"All for Love." - -In another of dough: - - "When the gods moulded up the paste of man, - Some of their clay was left upon their hands. - And so they made Egyptians."--"Cleomenes." - -In another of clay: - - "Rubbish of remaining clay."--Sebastian." - -One makes the soul of wax: - - "Her waxen soul begins to melt apace."--"Anna Bullen." - -Another of flint: - - "Sure our souls have somewhere been acquainted - In former beings, or, struck out together, - One spark to Afric flew, and one to Portugal."--"Sebastian." - -To omit the great quantities of iron, brazen, and leaden souls which are -so plenty in modern authors--I cannot omit the dress of a soul as we find -it in Dryden: - - "Souls shirted but with air."--"King Arthur." - -Nor can I pass by a particular sort of soul in a particular sort of -description in the New Sophonisba. - - "Ye mysterious powers, - Whether thro' your gloomy depths I wander, - Or on the mountains walk, give me the calm, - The steady smiling soul, where wisdom sheds - Eternal sunshine, and eternal joy." -] - -[Footnote 134: This line Mr. Banks has plunder'd entire in his Anna -Bullen.] - -[Footnote 135: - - "Good Heaven! the book of fate before me lay, - But to tear out the journal of that day. - Or, if the order of the world below - Will not the gap of one whole day allow, - Give me that minute when she made her vow."-- - - "Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 136: I know some of the commentators have imagined that Mr. -Dryden, in the altercative scene between Cleopatra and Octavia, a scene -which Mr. Addison inveighs against with great bitterness, is much -beholden to our author. How just this their observation is I will not -presume to determine.] - -[Footnote 137: "A cobbling poet indeed," says Mr. D.; and yet I believe -we may find as monstrous images in the tragic authors. I'll put down -one: "Untie your folded thoughts, and let them dangle loose as a bride's -hair."--"Injured Love." - -Which line seems to have as much title to a milliner's shop as our -author's to a shoemaker's.] - -[Footnote 138: Mr. L---- takes occasion in this place to commend the -great care of our author to preserve the metre of blank verse, in which -Shakespeare, Jonson, and Fletcher, were so notoriously negligent; and the -moderns, in imitation of our author, so laudably observant: - - "Then does - Your majesty believe that he can be - A traitor?"--"Earl of Essex." - -Every page of Sophonisba gives us instances of this excellence.] - -[Footnote 139: - - "Love mounts and rolls about my stormy mind."--"Aurengzebe." - - "Tempests and whirlwinds thro' my bosom move."--"Cleom." -] - -[Footnote 140: - - "With such a furious tempest on his brow, - As if the world's four winds were pent within - His blustering carcase."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 141: Verba Tragica.] - -[Footnote 142: This speech has been terribly mauled by the poet.] - -[Footnote 143: - - "My life is worn to rags, - Not worth a prince's wearing"--"Love Triumphant." -] - -[Footnote 144: - - "Must I beg the pity of my slave? - Must a king beg? But love's a greater king, - A tryant, nay, a devil, that possesses me. - He tunes the organ of my voice and speaks, - Unknown to me, within me."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 145: - - "When thou wert form'd heaven did a man begin; - But a brute soul by chance was shuffled in."--"Aurengzebe." -] - -[Footnote 146: - - "I am a multitude - Of walking griefs."--"New Sophonisba." -] - -[Footnote 147: - - "I will take thy scorpion blood, - And lay it to my grief till I have ease."--"Anna Bullen." -] - -[Footnote 148: Our author, who everywhere shows his great penetration -into human nature, here outdoes himself: where a less judicious poet -would have raised a long scene of whining love, he, who understood the -passions better, and that so violent an affection as this must be too big -for utterance, chooses rather to send his characters off in this sullen -and doleful manner, in which admirable conduct he is imitated by the -author of the justly celebrated Eurydice. Dr. Young seems to point at -this violence of passion: - - "Passion chokes - Their words, and they're the statues of despair." - -And Seneca tells us, "Curae leves loquuntur, ingentes stupent." The -story of the Egyptian king in Herodotus is too well known to need to be -inserted; I refer the more curious reader to the excellent Montaigne, who -hath written an essay on this subject.] - -[Footnote 149: - - "To part is death. - 'Tis death to part. - Ah! - Oh!"--"Don Carlos." -] - -[Footnote 150: - - "Nor know I whether - What am I, who, or where."--"Busiris." - - "I was I know not what, and am I know not how."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 151: To understand sufficiently the beauty of this passage, it -will be necessary that we comprehend every man to contain two selfs. I -shall not attempt to prove this from philosophy, which the poets make so -plainly evident. - -One runs away from the other: - - "Let me demand your majesty, - Why fly you from yourself?"--"Duke of Guise." - -In a second, one self is a guardian to the other: - - "Leave me the care of me."--"Conquest of Granada." - -Again: - - "Myself am to myself less near."--_Ibid._ - -In the same, the first self is proud of the second: - - "I myself am proud of me."--"State of Innocence." - -In a third, distrustful of him: - - "Fain I would tell, but whisper it in my ear. - That none besides might hear, nay, not myself."--"Earl of Essex." - -In a fourth, honours him: - - "I honour Rome, - And honour too myself."--"Sophonisba." - -In a fifth, at variance with him: - - "Leave me not thus at variance with myself."--"Busiris." - -Again, in a sixth: - - "I find myself divided from myself."--"Medea." - - "She seemed the sad effigies of herself."--Banks. - - "Assist me, Zulema, if thou would'st be - The friend thou seem'st, assist me against me."--"Alb. Q." - -From all which it appears that there are two selfs; and therefore Tom -Thumb's losing himself is no such solecism as it hath been represented by -men rather ambitious of criticising than qualified to criticise.] - -[Footnote 152: Mr. F. imagines this parson to have been a Welsh one, from -his simile.] - -[Footnote 153: Our author hath been plundered here, according to custom: - - "Great nature, break thy chain that links together - The fabric of the world, and make a chaos - Like that within my soul."--"Love Triumphant." - "Startle Nature, unfix the globe, - And hurl it from its axletree and hinges."--"Albion Queens." - - "The tott'ring earth seems sliding off its props." -] - -[Footnote 154: - - "D--n your delay, ye torturers, proceed: - I will not hear one word but Almahide."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 155: Mr. Dryden hath imitated this in All for Love.] - -[Footnote 156: This Miltonic style abounds in the New Sophonisba. - - "And on her ample brow - Sat majesty." -] - -[Footnote 157: - - "Your ev'ry answer still so ends in that, - You force me still to answer you, Morat."--"Aurengzebe. -] - -[Footnote 158: - - "Morat, Morat, Morat! you love the name."--_Ibid._ -] - -[Footnote 159: "Here is a sentiment for the virtuous Huncamunca!" says -Mr. D--s. And yet, with the leave of this great man, the virtuous -Panthea, in Cyrus, hath a heart every whit as ample: - - "For two I must confess are gods to me, - Which is my Abradatus first, and thee."--"Cyrus the Great." - -Nor is the lady in Love Triumphant more reserved, though not so -intelligible: - - "I am so divided, - That I grieve most for both, and love both most." -] - -[Footnote 160: A ridiculous supposition to any one who considers the -great and extensive largeness of hell, says a commentator; but not so to -those who consider the great expansion of immaterial substance. Mr. Banks -makes one soul to be so expanded, that heaven could not contain it. - - "The heavens are all too narrow for her soul."--"Virtue Betrayed." - -The Persian Princess hath a passage not unlike the author of this: - - "We will send such shoals of murder'd slaves, - Shall glut hell's empty regions." - -This threatens to fill hell, even though it was empty; Lord Grizzle, only -to fill up the chinks, supposing the rest already full.] - -[Footnote 161: Mr. Addison is generally thought to have had this simile -in his eye when he wrote that beautiful one at the end of the third act -of his Cato.] - -[Footnote 162: This beautiful simile is founded on a proverb which does -honour to the English language: - - "Between two stools the breech falls to the ground." - -I am not so well pleased with any written remains of the ancients as -with those little aphorisms which verbal tradition hath delivered down -to us under the title of proverbs. It were to be wished that, instead of -filling their pages with the fabulous theology of the pagans, our modern -poets would think it worth their while to enrich their works with the -proverbial sayings of their ancestors. Mr. Dryden hath chronicled one in -heroic: - - "Two ifs scarce make one possibility."--"Conq. of Granada." - -My Lord Bacon is of opinion that whatever is known of arts and sciences -might be proved to have lurked in the Proverbs of Solomon. I am of -the same opinion in relation to those above-mentioned; at least I am -confident that a more perfect system of ethics, as well as economy, might -be compiled out of them than is at present extant, either in the works of -the ancient philosophers, or those more valuable, as more voluminous ones -of the modern divines.] - -[Footnote 163: Of all the particulars in which the modern stage falls -short of the ancients, there is none so much to be lamented as the great -scarcity of ghosts. Whence this proceeds I will not presume to determine. -Some are of opinion that the moderns are unequal to that sublime language -which a ghost ought to speak. One says, ludicrously, that ghosts are -out of fashion; another, that they are properer for comedy; forgetting, -I suppose, that Aristotle hath told us that a ghost is the soul of -tragedy; for so I render the [Greek: psyche ho mythos tes tragodias], -which M. Dacier, amongst others, hath mistaken; I suppose misled by not -understanding the Fabula of the Latins, which signifies a ghost as well -as fable. - - "Te premet nox, fabulaeque manes."--Horace. - -Of all the ghosts that have ever appeared on the stage, a very learned -and judicious foreign critic gives the preference to this of our author. -These are his words, speaking of this tragedy:--"Nec quidquam in illa -admirabilius quam phasma quoddam horrendum, quod omnibus aliis spectris, -quibuscum scatet Angelorum tragoedia, longe (pace D--ysii V. Doctiss. -dixerim) praetulerim."] - -[Footnote 164: We have already given instances of this figure.] - -[Footnote 165: Almanzor reasons in the same manner: - - "A ghost I'll be; - And from a ghost, you know, no place is free."--"Conq. of Gran."] - -[Footnote 166: "The man who writ this wretched pun," says Mr. D., -"would have picked your pocket:" which he proceeds to show not only -bad in itself, but doubly so on so solemn an occasion. And yet, in -that excellent play of Liberty Asserted, we find something very much -resembling a pun in the mouth of a mistress, who is parting with the -lover she is fond of: - - "_Ul._ Oh, mortal woe! one kiss, and then farewell. - - _Irene._ The gods have given to others to fare well, - O! miserably must Irene fare." - -Agamemnon, in the Victim, is full as facetious on the most solemn -occasion--that of sacrificing his daughter: - - "Yes, daughter, yes; you will assist the priest; - Yes, you must offer up your--vows for Greece." -] - -[Footnote 167: - - "I'll pull thee backwards by thy shroud to light, - Or else I'll squeeze thee, like a bladder, there. - And make thee groan thyself away to air."--"Conq. of Gran." - - "Snatch me, ye gods, this moment into nothing."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 168: - - "So, art thou gone? Thou canst no conquest boast, - I thought what was the courage of a ghost."--"Conq. of Gran." - -King Arthur seems to be as brave a fellow as Almanzor, who says most -heroically: "In spite of ghosts I'll on."] - -[Footnote 169: The ghost of Lausaria, in Cyrus, is a plain copy of this, -and is therefore worth reading: - - "Ah, Cyrus! - Thou may'st as well grasp water, or fleet air, - As think of touching my immortal shade."--"Cyrus the Great." -] - -[Footnote 170: - - "Thou better part of heavenly air."--"Conquest of Granada." -] - -[Footnote 171: "A string of similes," says one, "proper to be hung up in -the cabinet of a prince."] - -[Footnote 172: This passage hath been understood several different ways -by the commentators. For my part I find it difficult to understand it at -all. Mr. Dryden says-- - - "I've heard something how two bodies meet, - But how two souls join I know not." - -So that, till the body of a spirit be better understood, it will be -difficult to understand how it is possible to run him through it.] - -[Footnote 173: Cydaria is of the same fearful temper with Dollalolla: - - "I never durst in darkness be alone."--"Ind. Emp." -] - -[Footnote 174: - - "Think well of this, think that, think every way."--"Sophon." -] - -[Footnote 175: These quotations are more usual in the comic than in the -tragic writers.] - -[Footnote 176: "This distress," says Mr. D--, "I must allow to be -extremely beautiful, and tends to heighten the virtuous character of -Dollallolla, who is so exceeding delicate, that she is in the highest -apprehension from the inanimate embrace of a bolster. An example worthy -of imitation for all our writers of tragedy."] - -[Footnote 177: - - "Credat Judaeus Appella, - Non ego," - -says Mr. D. "For, passing over the absurdity of being equal to odds, can -we possibly suppose a little insignificant fellow--I say again a little -insignificant fellow--able to vie with a strength which all the Samsons -and Herculeses of antiquity would be unable to encounter?" I shall refer -this incredulous critic to Mr. Dryden's defence of his Almanzor; and, -lest that should not satisfy him, I shall quote a few lines from the -speech of a much braver fellow than Almanzor, Mr. Johnson's Achilles: - - "Though human race rise in embattled hosts, - To force her from my arms--Oh! son of Atreus! - By that immortal pow'r, whose deathless spirit - Informs this earth, I will oppose them all."--"Victim." -] - -[Footnote 178: "I have heard of being supported by a staff," says Mr. D., -"but never of being supported by a helmet." I believe he never heard of -sailing with wings, which he may read in no less a poet than Mr. Dryden: - - "Unless we borrow wings and sail through air."--"Love Triumphant. - -What will he say to a kneeling valley? - - "I'll stand - Like a safe valley, that low bends the knee - To some aspiring mountain."--"Injured Love." - -I am ashamed of so ignorant a carper, who doth not know that an epithet -in tragedy is very often no other than an expletive. Do not we read in -the New Sophonisba of "grinding chains, blue plagues, white occasions, -and blue serenity?" Nay, it is not the adjective only, but sometimes -half a sentence is put by way of expletive, as "Beauty pointed high -with spirit," in the same play; and "In the lap of blessing, to be most -curst," in the Revenge.] - -[Footnote 179: A victory like that of Almanzor: - -"Almanzor is victorious without fight."--"Conquest of Granada."] - -[Footnote 180: - - "Well have we chose an happy day for fight; - For every man, in course of time, has found - Some days are lucky, some unfortunate."--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 181: We read of such another in Lee: - - "Teach his rude wit a flight she never made, - And send her post to the Elysian shade."--"Gloriana." -] - -[Footnote 182: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.] - -[Footnote 183: "Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud."--"Conquest of -Granada."] - -[Footnote 184: - - "Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, - Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, - Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, - Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall."--"Female Warrior." -] - -[Footnote 185: See the History of Tom Thumb, p. 141.] - -[Footnote 186: - - "Amazement swallows up my sense, - And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate - Drinks down my reason."--"Persian Princess." -] - -[Footnote 187: - - "I have outfaced myself. - What! am I two? Is there another me?"--"King Arthur." -] - -[Footnote 188: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most -so in this prophetic part. We find several of these prophecies in the -tragic authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment -to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but our author -(who seems to have detested the least appearance of flattery) would have -passed by such an opportunity of being a political prophet.] - -[Footnote 189: "I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw -him."--"Busiris." In both which places it is intimated that it is -sometimes possible to see with other eyes than your own.] - -[Footnote 190: "This mustard," says Mr. D., "is enough to turn one's -stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head -when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of -Mr. Dennis: - - "And gave him liberty, the salt of life."--"Liberty Asserted." - -The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.] - -[Footnote 191: - - "_Han_, Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call? - - _Scip._ Are you the much more famous Hannibal?"--"Hannibal." -] - -[Footnote 192: Dr Young seems to have copied this engagement in his -Busiris: - - _Myr._ Villain! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Rebel! - - _Mem._ Myron! - - _Myr._ Hell! - - _Mem._ Mandane! -] - -[Footnote 193: This last speech of my Lord Grizzle hath been of great -service to our poets: - - "I'll hold it fast - As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; - And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, - I'll send my ghost and fetch it back again."--"Conq. of Gran." -] - -[Footnote 194: - - "My soul should with such speed obey, - It should not bait at heaven to stop its way." -] - -[Footnote 195: Lee seems to have had this last in his eye: - - "'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there: - I would but go to heaven to take the air."--"Gloriana." - - "A rising vapour rumbling in my brains."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 196: - - "Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul, - To tell me fate's at hand." -] - -[Footnote 197: Mr. Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when -he says: - - "My soul is packing up, and just on wing."--"Conq. of Gran." - "And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 198: - - "The devil swallows vulgar souls - Like whipt cream."--"Sebastian." -] - -[Footnote 199: - - "How I could curse my name of Ptolemy! - It is so long, it asks an hour to write it. - By heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars! - Or any other civil monosyllable, - That will not tire my hand."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 200: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by -which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or -to insinuate that men in the honeymoon are apt to imagine time shorter -than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the -Coffee-House Politician: - - "We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow." -] - -[Footnote 201: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single -speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.] - -[Footnote 202: - - "I was but teaching him to grace his tale - With decent horror."--"Cleomenes." -] - -[Footnote 203: We may say with Dryden: - - "Death did at length so many slain forget, - And left the tale, and took them by the great." - -I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody -catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal -characters dead on the stage. These lines too-- - - "I ask'd no questions then, of who kill'd who? - The bodies tell the story as they lie--" - -seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can -I help imagining they were originally his. The Rival Ladies, too, seem -beholden to this scene: - - "We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death; - Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her, - And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo, - As I on Angelina." - -No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was -applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was -very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This -I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which -remains among us, and which Mr. Dryden, in his essay on Dramatic Poetry, -hath observed. "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself -into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know -not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror -to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in -this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French -have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily -exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so entirely -clear.] - - - - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS: - -THE MOST TRAGICAL TRAGEDY, THAT EVER WAS TRAGEDIZ'D BY ANY COMPANY OF -TRAGEDIANS. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, _King of Queerummania_. - BOMBARDINIAN, _his General_. - ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO, - RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS, [_Courtiers_. - _Captain of the Guards._ - _Herald._ - _Cook._ - _Doctor._ - _King of the Fiddlers._ - _King of the Antipodes._ - FADLADINIDA, _Queen of Queerummania_. - TATLANTHE, _her favourite_. - _Two Ladies of the Court._ - _Two Ladies of Pleasure._ - VENUS. - CUPID. - Guards and Attendants, &c. - - SCENE.--QUEERUMMANIA. - - -PROLOGUE. - - To night our comic muse the buskin wears, - And gives herself no small romantic airs; - Struts in heroics, and in pompous verse - Does the minutest incidents rehearse; - In ridicule's strict retrospect displays - The poetasters of these modern days: - Who with big bellowing bombast rend our ears, - Which, stript of sound, quite void of sense appears; - Or else their fiddle-faddle numbers flow, - Serenely dull, elaborately low. - Either extreme, when vain pretenders take, - The actor suffers for the author's sake. - The quite-tir'd audience lose whole hours; yet pay - To go unpleas'd and unimprov'd away. - This being our scheme, we hope you will excuse - The wild excursion of the wanton muse - Who out of frolic wears a mimic mask, - And sets herself so whimsical a task: - 'Tis meant to please, but if should offend, - It's very short, and soon will have an end. - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber in the Palace._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Rig-Fun._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio! - Where left you Chrononhotonthologos? - - _Aldi._ Fatigu'd with the tremendous toils of war, - Within his tent, on downy couch succumbent, - Himself he unfatigues with gentle slumbers, - Lull'd by the cheerful trumpets gladsome clangour, - The noise of drums, and thunder of artillery, - He sleeps supine amidst the din of war. - And yet 'tis not definitively sleep; - Rather a kind of doze, a waking slumber, - That sheds a stupefaction o'er his senses; - For now he nods and snores; anon he starts; - Then nods and snores again. If this be sleep, - Tell me, ye gods! what mortal man's awake! - What says my friend to this? - - _Rig.-Fun._ Say! I say he sleeps dog-sleep: What a plague - would you have me say? - - _Aldi._ O impious thought! O curst insinuation! - As if great Chrononhotonthologos - To animals detestable and vile - Had aught the least similitude! - - _Rig._ My dear friend! you entirely misapprehend me: I - did not call the king dog by craft; I was only going to tell you - that the soldiers have just now receiv'd their pay, and are all as - drunk as so many swabbers. - - _Aldi._ Give orders instantly that no more money - Be issued to the troops. Meantime, my friend, - Let the baths be filled with seas of coffee, - To stupefy their souls into sobriety. - - _Rig._ I fancy you had better banish the sutlers, and blow the - Geneva casks to the devil. - - _Aldi._ Thou counsel'st well, my Rigdum-Funnidos, - And reason seems to father thy advice. - But soft!--The king in pensive contemplation - Seems to resolve on some important doubt; - His soul, too copious for his earthly fabric, - Starts forth, spontaneous, in soliloquy, - And makes his tongue the midwife of his mind. - Let us retire, lest we disturb his solitude. - [_They retire._ - -_Enter_ KING. - - _King._ This god of sleep is watchful to torment me, - And rest is grown a stranger to my eyes: - Sport not with Chrononhotonthologos, - Thou idle slumb'rer, thou detested Somnus: - For if thou dost, by all the waking pow'rs, - I'll tear thine eyeballs from their leaden sockets, - And force thee to outstare eternity. [_Exit in a huff._ - -_Re-enter_ RIGDUM _and_ ALDIBORONTI. - - _Rig._ The king is in a most vile passion! Pray who is this - Mr. Somnus he's so angry withal? - - _Aldi._ The son of Chaos and of Erebus. - Incestuous pair! brother of Mors relentless, - Whose speckled robe, and wings of blackest hue, - Astonish all mankind with hideous glare; - Himself with sable plumes, to men benevolent, - Brings downy slumbers and refreshing sleep. - - _Rig-Fun._ This gentleman may come of a very good family, - for aught I know; but I would not be in his place for the world. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the king his footsteps this way bending, - His cogitative faculties immers'd - In cogibundity of cogitation: - Let silence close our folding-doors of speech, - Till apt attention tell our heart the purport - Of this profound profundity of thought. - -_Re-enter_ KING, NOBLES, _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c._ - - _King._ It is resolv'd. Now, Somnus, I defy thee, - And from mankind ampute thy curs'd dominion. - These royal eyes thou never more shalt close. - Henceforth let no man sleep, on pain of death: - Instead of sleep, let pompous pageantry - Keep all mankind eternally awake. - Bid Harlequino decorate the stage - With all magnificence of decoration: - Giants and giantesses, dwarfs and pigmies, - Songs, dances, music in its amplest order, - Mimes, pantomimes, and all the magic motion - Of scene deceptiosive and sublime. [_The flat scene draws._ - -[_The_ KING _is seated, and a grand pantomime entertainment is performed, -in the midst of which enters a_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARD. - - _Capt._ To arms! to arms! great Chrononhotonthologos! - Th' antipodean pow'rs from realms below - Have burst the solid entrails of the earth; - Gushing such cataracts of forces forth, - This world is too incopious to contain 'em: - Armies on armies, march in form stupendous; - Not like our earthly regions, rank by rank, - But tier o'er tier, high pil'd from earth to heaven; - A blazing bullet, bigger than the sun, - Shot from a huge and monstrous culverin, - Has laid your royal citadel in ashes. - - _King._ Peace, coward! were they wedg'd like golden ingots, - Or pent so close, as to admit no vacuum; - One look from Crononhotonthologos - Shall scare them into nothing. Rigdum-Funnidos, - Bid Bombardinion draw his legions forth, - And meet us in the plains of Queerummania. - This very now ourselves shall there conjoin him; - Meantime, bid all the priests prepare their temples - For rites of triumph: let the singing singers, - With vocal voices, most vociferous, - In sweet vociferation, outvociferize - Ev'n sound itself. So be it as we have order'd. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A magnificent Apartment._ - -_Enter_ QUEEN, TATLANTHE, _and two_ LADIES. - - _Queen._ Day's curtain drawn, the morn begins to rise, - And waking nature rubs her sleepy eyes: - The pretty little fleecy bleating flocks, - In baas harmonious warble thro' the rocks: - Night gathers up her shades in sable shrouds, - And whispering osiers tattle to the clouds. - What think you, ladies, if an hour we kill, - At basset, ombre, picquet, or quadrille? - - _Tat._ Your majesty was pleas'd to order tea. - - _Queen._ My mind is alter'd; bring some ratifia. - [_They are served round with a dram._ - I have a famous fiddler sent from France. - Bid him come in. What think ye of a dance? - - _Enter_ FIDDLER. - - _Fid._ Thus to your majesty, says the suppliant muse, - Would you a solo or sonata choose; - Or bold concerto or soft Sicilinia, - Alla Francese overo in Gusto Romano? - When you command, 'tis done as soon as spoke. - - _Queen._ A civil fellow! Play us the "Black Joak." - [_Music plays._ - [QUEEN _and_ LADIES _dance the_ - "Black Joak." - - So much for dancing; now let's rest a while. - Bring in the tea-things. Does the kettle boil? - - _Tat._ The water bubbles and the tea-cups skip, - Through eager hope to kiss your royal lip. - [_Tea brought in._ - - _Queen._ Come, ladies, will you please to choose your tea; - Or green imperial, or Pekoe Bohea? - - _1st Lady._ Never, no, never sure on earth was seen, - So gracious sweet and affable a queen. - - _2nd Lady._ She is an angel. - - _1st Lady._ She's a goddess rather. - - _Tat._ She's angel, queen, and goddess, altogether. - - _Queen._ Away! you flatter me. - - _1st Lady._ We don't indeed: - Your merit does our praise by far exceed. - - _Queen._ You make me blush; pray help me to a fan. - - _1st Lady._ That blush becomes you. - - _Tat._ Would I were a man. - - _Queen._ I'll hear no more of these fantastic airs. - [_Bell rings._ - The bell rings in. Come, ladies, let's to pray'rs. - [_They dance off._ - - -SCENE.--_An Anti-Chamber._ - -_Enter_ RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - -_Rig._ Egad, we're in the wrong box! Who the devil would have thought -that Chrononhotonthologos should beat that mortal sight of Tippodeans? -Why, there's not a mother's child of them to be seen, egad, they footed -it away as fast as their hands could carry 'em; but they have left their -king behind 'em. We have him safe, that's one comfort. - - _Aldi._ Would he were still at amplest liberty. - For, oh! my dearest Rigdum-Funnidos; - I have a riddle to unriddle to thee, - Shall make thee stare thyself into a statue. - Our queen's in love with this Antipodean. - - _Rigdum._ The devil she is? Well, I see mischief is going - forward with a vengeance. - - _Aldi._ But, lo! the conq'ror comes all crown'd with conquest! - A solemn triumph graces his return. - Let's grasp the forelock of this apt occasion, - To greet the victor, in his flow of glory. - - [_A grand triumph._] - -_Enter_ CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS, GUARDS _and_ ATTENDANTS, _&c., met by_ -RIGDUM-FUNNIDOS _and_ ALDIBORONTIPHOSCOPHORNIO. - - _Aldi._ All hail to Chrononhotonthologos! - Thrice trebly welcome to your royal subjects. - Myself, and faithful Rigdum-Funnidos, - Lost in a labyrinth of love and loyalty, - Entreat you to inspect our inmost souls, - And read in them what tongue can never utter. - - _Chro._ Aldiborontiphoscophornio, - To thee, and gentle Rigdum-Funnidos, - Our gratulations flow in streams unbounded: - Our bounty's debtor to your loyalty, - Which shall with inter'st be repaid ere long. - But where's our queen? where's Fadladinida? - She should be foremost in the gladsome train, - To grace our triumph; but I see she slights me. - This haughty queen shall be no longer mine, - I'll have a sweet and gentle concubine. - -_Rig._ Now, my dear little Phoscophorny, for a swinging lie to bring the -queen off, and I'll run with it to her this minute, that we may be all in -a story. Say she has got the thorough-go-nimble. - - [_Whispers, and steals off._ - - _Aldi._ Speak not, great Chrononhotonthologos, - In accents so injuriously severe - Of Fadladinida, your faithful queen: - By me she sends an embassy of love, - Sweet blandishments and kind congratulations, - But cannot, oh! she cannot, come herself. - - _King._ Our rage is turn'd to fear: what ails the queen? - - _Aldi._ A sudden diarrhoea's rapid force, - So stimulates the peristaltic motion, - That she by far out-does her late out-doing, - And all conclude her royal life in danger. - - _King._ Bid the physicians of the world assemble - In consultation, solemn and sedate: - More, to corroborate their sage resolves, - Call from their graves the learned men of old: - Galen, Hippocrates, and Paracelsus; - Doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, chemists, - All! all! attend; and see they bring their med'cines, - Whole magazines of galli-potted nostrums, - Materializ'd in pharmaceutic order. - The man that cures our queen shall have our empire. - [_Exeunt omnes._ - - -SCENE.--_A Garden._ - -_Enter_ TATLANTHE _and_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Heigh ho! my heart! - - _Tat._ What ails my gracious queen? - - _Queen._ Oh, would to Venus I had never seen! - - _Tat._ Seen what, my royal mistress? - - _Queen._ Too, too much! - - _Tat._ Did it affright you? - - _Queen._ No, 'tis nothing such. - - _Tat._ What was it, madam? - - _Queen._ Really I don't know. - - _Tat._ It must be something! - - _Queen._ No! - - _Tat._ Or nothing! - - _Queen._ No. - - _Tat._ Then I conclude, of course, since it was neither, - Nothing and something jumbled well together. - - _Queen._ Oh! my Tatlanthe, have you never seen! - - _Tat._ Can I guess what, unless you tell, my queen? - - _Queen._ The king I mean. - - _Tat._ Just now return'd from war: - He rides like Mars in his triumphal car. - Conquest precedes with laurels in his hand; - Behind him Fame does on her tripos stand; - Her golden trump shrill thro' the air she sounds, - Which rends the earth, and then to heaven rebounds; - Trophies and spoils innumerable grace - This triumph, which all triumphs does deface: - Haste then, great queen! your hero thus to meet, - Who longs to lay his laurels at your feet. - - _Queen._ Art mad, Tatlanthe? I meant no such thing. - Your talk's distasteful. - - _Tat._ Didn't you name the king? - - _Queen._ I did, Tatlanthe, but it was not thine; - The charming king I mean is only mine. - - _Tat._ Who else, who else, but such a charming fair, - In Chrononhotonthologos should share? - The queen of beauty, and the god of arms, - In him and you united blend their charms. - Oh! had you seen him, how he dealt out death, - And at one stroke robb'd thousands of their breath: - While on the slaughter'd heaps himself did rise, - In pyramids of conquest to the skies. - The gods all hail'd, and fain would have him stay; - But your bright charms have call'd him thence away. - - _Queen._ This does my utmost indignation raise: - You are too pertly lavish in his praise. - Leave me for ever! [TATLANTHE _kneeling._ - - _Tat._ Oh! what shall I say? - Do not, great queen, your anger thus display! - Oh, frown me dead! let me not live to hear - My gracious queen and mistress so severe! - I've made some horrible mistake, no doubt; - Oh! tell me what it is! - - _Queen._ No, find it out. - - _Tat._ No, I will never leave you; here I'll grow - Till you some token of forgiveness show. - Oh! all ye powers above, come down, come down! - And from her brow dispel that angry frown. - - _Queen._ Tatlanthe, rise, you have prevail'd at last; - Offend no more, and I'll excuse what's past. - [TATLANTHE _aside, rising._ - -_Tat._ Why, what a fool was I, not to perceive her passion for the -topsy-turvy king--the gentleman that carries his head where his heels -should be! But I must tack about, I see. - -_To the_ QUEEN. - - Excuse me, gracious madam, if my heart - Bears sympathy with yours in every part; - With you alike, I sorrow and rejoice, - Approve your passion, and commend your choice; - The captive king. - - _Queen._ That's he! that's he! that's he! - I'd die ten thousand deaths to set him free. - Oh! my Tatlanthe! have you seen his face, - His air, his shape, his mien, his ev'ry grace? - In what a charming attitude he stands, - How prettily he foots it with his hands! - Well, to his arms, no to his legs I fly, - For I must have him, if I live or die. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Bedchamber._ - -CHRONONHOTONTHOLOGOS _asleep._ - - [_Rough music, viz., salt-boxes and rolling-pins, gridirons and - tongs; sow-gelders' horns, marrowbones and cleavers, &c. &c. He - wakes._ - - _Chro._ What heav'nly sounds are these that charm my ears! - Sure 'tis the music of the tuneful spheres. - -_Enter_ CAPTAIN OF THE GUARDS. - - _Cap._ A messenger from Gen'ral Bombardinion - Craves instant audience of your majesty. - - _Chro._ Give him admittance. - -_Enter_ HERALD. - - _Her._ Long life to Chrononhotonthologos! - Your faithful Gen'ral Bombardinion - Sends you his tongue, transplanted in my mouth, - To pour his soul out in your royal ears. - - _Chro._ Then use thy master's tongue with reverence. - Nor waste it in thine own loquacity, - But briefly and at large declare thy message. - - _Her._ Suspend awhile, great Chrononhotonthologos, - The fate of empires and the toils of war; - And in my tent let's quaff Falernian wine - Till our souls mount and emulate the gods. - Two captive females, beauteous as the morn, - Submissive to your wishes, court your option. - Haste then, great king, to bless us with your presence. - Our scouts already watch the wish'd approach, - Which shall be welcom'd by the drums' dread rattle, - The cannons' thunder, and the trumpets' blast; - While I, in front of mighty myrmidons, - Receive my king in all the pomp of war. - - _Chro._ Tell him I come; my flying steed prepare; - Ere thou art half on horseback I'll be there. [_Exeunt._ - - -SCENE.--_A Prison._ - -_The King of the Antipodes discover'd sleeping on a couch. Enter_ QUEEN. - - _Queen._ Is this a place, oh! all ye gods above, - This a reception for the man I love? - See in what sweet tranquillity he sleeps, - While Nature's self at his confinement weeps. - Rise, lovely monarch! see your friend appear, - No Chrononhotonthologos is here; - Command your freedom, by this sacred ring; - Then command me. What says my charming king? - - [_She puts the ring in his mouth, he bends the - sea-crab, and makes a roaring noise._ - - _Queen._ What can this mean! he lays his feet at mine: - Is this of love or hate, his country's sign? - Ah! wretched queen! how hapless is thy lot, - To love a man that understands thee not! - Oh! lovely Venus, goddess all divine! - And gentle Cupid, that sweet son of thine, - Assist, assist me, with your sacred art, - And teach me to obtain this stranger's heart. - -VENUS _descends in her chariot, and sings._ - -AIR. - - _Ven._ See Venus does attend thee, - My dilding, my dolding. - Love's goddess will befriend thee, - Lily bright and shiny. - With pity and compassion. - My dilding, my dolding, - She sees thy tender passion, - Lily, &c. _Da capo._ - - _Air changes._ - - To thee I yield my pow'r divine, - Dance over the Lady Lee, - Demand whate'er thou wilt, 'tis thine, - My gay lady. - Take this magic wand in hand, - Dance, &c. - All the world's at thy command, - My gay, &c. _Da capo_. - -CUPID _descends and sings._ - -AIR. - - Are you a widow, or are you a wife? - Gilly-flow'r, gentle rosemary. - Or are you a maiden, so fair and so bright? - As the dew that flies over the mulberry-tree. - - _Queen._ Would I were a widow, as I am a wife, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - But I'm to my sorrow, a maiden as bright, - As the dew, &c. - - _Cupid._ You shall be a widow before it is night, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - No longer a maiden so fair and so bright, - As the dew, &c. - Two jolly young husbands your favour shall share, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - And twenty fine babies all lovely and fair, - As the dew, &c. - - _Queen._ O thanks, Mr. Cupid! for this your good news, - Gilly-flow'r, &c. - What woman alive would such favours refuse? - While the dew, &c. - - [VENUS _and_ CUPID _re-ascend; the_ QUEEN _goes off, and the King - of the Antipodes follows, walking on his hands. Scene closes._ - - -SCENE.--BOMBARDINION'S _Tent._ - -KING _and_ BOMBARDINION, _at a table, with two Ladies._ - - _Bomb._ This honour, royal sir! so royalizes - The royalty of your most royal actions, - The dumb can only utter forth your praise; - For we, who speak, want words to tell our meaning. - Here! fill the goblet with Falernian wine, - And, while our monarch drinks, bid the shrill trumpet - Tell all the gods, that we propine their healths. - - _King._ Hold, Bombardinion, I esteem it fit, - With so much wine, to eat a little bit. - - _Bomb._ See that the table instantly be spread, - With all that art and nature can produce. - Traverse from pole to pole; sail round the globe, - Bring every eatable that can be eat: - The king shall eat; tho' all mankind be starv'd. - - _Cook._ I am afraid his majesty will be starv'd, before I can - run round the world, for a dinner; besides, where's the money? - - _King._ Ha! dost thou prattle, contumacious slave? - Guards, seize the villain? broil him, fry him, stew him; - Ourselves shall eat him out of mere revenge. - - _Cook._ O pray, your majesty, spare my life; there's some nice - cold pork in the pantry: I'll hash it for your majesty in a - minute. - - _King._ Be thou first hash'd in hell, audacious slave. - - [_Kills him, and turns to_ BOMBARDINION. - - Hash'd pork! shall Chrononhotonthologos - Be fed with swine's flesh, and at second-hand? - Now, by the gods! thou dost insult us, general! - - _Bomb._ The gods can witness, that I little thought - Your majesty to other flesh than this - Had aught the least propensity. [_Points to the ladies._ - - _King._ Is this a dinner for a hungry monarch? - - _Bomb._ Monarchs, as great as Chrononhotonthologos, - Have made a very hearty meal of worse. - - _King_ Ha! traitor! dost thou brave me to my teeth? - Take this reward, and learn to mock thy master. - [_Strikes him._ - - _Bomb._ A blow! shall Bombardinion take a blow? - Blush! blush, thou sun! start back thou rapid ocean! - Hills! vales! seas! mountains! all commixing crumble, - And into chaos pulverize the world; - For Bombardinion has receiv'd a blow, - And Chrononhotonthologos shall die. [_Draws._ - - [_The women run off, crying, "Help! Murder!" &c._ - - _King._ What means the traitor? - - _Bomb._ Traitor in thy teeth, - Thus I defy thee! - [_They fight, he kills the King._ - - Ha! what have I done? - Go, call a coach, and let a coach be call'd; - And let the man that calls it be the caller; - And, in his calling, let him nothing call, - But coach! coach! coach! Oh! for a coach, ye gods! - [_Exit raving._ - - _Returns with a_ DOCTOR. - - _Bomb._ How fares your majesty? - - _Doct._ My lord, he's dead. - - _Bomb._ Ha! dead! impossible! it cannot be! - I'd not believe it, tho' himself should swear it. - Go join his body to his soul again, - Or, by this light, thy soul shall quit thy body. - - _Doct._ My lord, he's far beyond the power of physic, - His soul has left his body and this world. - - _Bomb._ Then go to t'other world and fetch it back. - [_Kills him._ - - And, if I find thou triflest with me there, - I'll chase thy shade through myriads of orbs, - And drive thee far beyond the verge of Nature. - Ha!--Call'st thou, Chrononhotonthologos? - I come! your faithful Bombardinion comes! - He comes in worlds unknown to make new wars, - And gain thee empires num'rous as the stars. - - [_Kills himself._ - - _Enter_ QUEEN _and others._ - - _Aldi._ O horrid! horrible, and horrid'st horror! - Our king! our general! our cook! our doctor! - All dead! stone dead! irrevocably dead! - O----h!---- [_All groan, a tragedy groan._ - - _Queen._ My husband dead! ye gods! what is't you mean, - To make a widow of a virgin queen? - For, to my great misfortune, he, poor king, - Has left me so; aint that a wretched thing? - - _Tat._ Why then, dear madam, make me no farther pother, - Were I your majesty, I'd try another. - - _Queen._ I think 'tis best to follow thy advice. - - _Tat._ I'll fit you with a husband in a trice: - Here's Rigdum-Funnidos, a proper man; - If any one can please a queen, he can. - - _Rig-Fun._ Ay, that I can, and please your majesty. - So, ceremonies apart, let's proceed to business. - - _Queen_. Oh! but the mourning takes up all my care, - I'm at a loss what kind of weeds to wear. - - _Rig-Fun_. Never talk of mourning, madam, - One ounce of mirth is worth a pound of sorrow, - Take me at once, and let us wed to-morrow. - I'll make thee a great man, my little Phoscophorny. - [_To_ ALDI, _aside_. - - _Aldi_. I scorn your bounty; I'll be king, or nothing. - Draw, miscreant! draw! - - _Rig_. No, sir, I'll take the law. - [_Runs behind the_ QUEEN. - - _Queen_. Well, gentlemen, to make the matter easy, - I'll have you both; and that, I hope, will please ye. - And now, Tatlanthe, thou art all my care: - Where shall I find thee such another pair? - Pity that you, who've serv'd so long, so well, - Should die a virgin, and lead apes in hell. - Choose for yourself, dear girl, our empire round, - Your portion is twelve hundred thousand pound. - - _Aldi_. Here! take these dead and bloody corps away; - Make preparation for our wedding day. - Instead of sad solemnity, and black, - Our hearts shall swim in claret, and in sack. - - - - - _The next piece is taken from successive numbers of_ THE - ANTI-JACOBIN, _which was planned by_ Canning, _and of which the - first number appeared on the_ 20_th of November_, 1797_. "_The - Rovers, or the Double Arrangement_," _was the joint work of_ George - Canning, George Ellis, _and_ John Hookham Frere. - - - - -THE ROVERS; - -OR, THE DOUBLE ARRANGEMENT. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - PRIOR _of the_ ABBEY _of_ QUEDLINBURGH, - _very corpulent and cruel_. - - ROGERO, _a Prisoner in the Abbey, - in love with_ MATILDA POTTINGEN. - - CASIMERE, _a Polish Emigrant, in - Dembrowsky's Legion, married - to_ CECILIA, _but having several - children by_ MATILDA. - - PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON, - _English Noblemen exiled by the - Tyranny of King John, previous - to the signature of Magna - Charta_. - - RODERIC, _Count of Saxe Weimar, - a bloody Tyrant, with red hair, - and an amorous complexion_. - - GASPAR, _the Minister of the Count; - Author of_ ROGERO'S _confinement_. - - _Young_ POTTINGEN, _brother to_ MATILDA. - - MATILDA POTTINGEN, _in love with_ - ROGERO, _and mother to_ CASIMERE'S - _children_. - - CECILIA MUeCKENFELD, _wife to_ - CASIMERE. - - _Landlady, Waiter, Grenadiers, - Troubadours, &c._ - - PANTALOWSKY, _and_ BRITCHINDA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ CASIMERE. - - JOACHIM, JABEL, _and_ AMARANTHA, - _children of_ MATILDA, _by_ - ROGERO. - - _Children of_ CASIMERE _and_ CECILIA, - _with their respective Nurses_. - - Several Children; Fathers and - Mothers unknown. - -THE SCENE LIES IN THE TOWN OF WEIMAR, AND THE NEIGHBOURHOOD OF THE ABBEY -OF QUEDLINBURGH. - -_Time, from the Twelfth to the present Century._ - - -PROLOGUE. - -(_In character._) - - Too long the triumphs of our early times, - With civil discord, and with regal crimes, - Have stain'd these boards; while Shakespeare's pen has shown - Thoughts, manners, men, to modern days unknown. - Too long have Rome and Athens been the rage; [_Applause._ - And classic buskins soil'd a British stage. - To-night our bard, who scorns pedantic rules, - His plot has borrow'd from the German schools; - --The German schools--where no dull maxims bind - The bold expansion of the electric mind. - Fix'd to no period, circled by no space, - He leaps the flaming bounds of time and place: - Round the dark confines of the forest raves, - With _gentle_ robbers[204] stocks his gloomy caves; - Tells how prime ministers[205] are shocking things, - And _reigning dukes_ as bad as tyrant kings; - How to _two_ swains[206] _one_ nymph her vows may give, - And how _two_ damsels with _one_ lover live! - Delicious scenes!--such scenes _our_ bard displays, - Which, crown'd with German, sue for British, praise. - Slow are the steeds, that through Germania's roads - With hempen rein the slumbering post-boy goads; - Slow is the slumbering post-boy, who proceeds - Through deep sands floundering, on those tardy steeds; - More slow, more tedious, from his husky throat - Twangs through the twisted horn the struggling note. - These truths confess'd--Oh! yet, ye travell'd few, - Germania's _plays_ with eyes unjaundiced view! - View and approve!--though in each passage fine - The faint translation[207] mock the genuine line; - Though the nice ear the erring sight belie, - For _U twice dotted_ is pronounced like _I_; - [_Applause._ - Yet oft the scene shall Nature's fire impart, - Warm _from_ the breast, and glowing _to_ the heart! - Ye travell'd few, attend! On _you_ our bard - Builds his fond hope! Do you his genius guard! [_Applause._ - Nor let succeeding generations say-- - A British audience _damn'd_ a German play. - [_Loud and continued applauses._ - - [_Flash of lightning_.--_The ghost of_ PROLOGUE'S GRANDMOTHER, - _by the father's side, appears to soft music, in a white tiffany - riding-hood_. PROLOGUE _kneels to receive her blessing, which she - gives in a solemn and affecting manner, the audience clapping and - crying all the while_.--_Flash of lightning_.--PROLOGUE _and his_ - GRANDMOTHER _sink through the trap-door_. - - * * * * * - - -ACT I.--SCENE I. - - _Represents a room at an Inn, at Weimar--On one side - of the stage the bar-room, with jellies, lemons in nets, - syllabubs, and part of a cold roast fowl._ &c.--_On the opposite - side a window looking into the street, through which - persons (inhabitants of Weimar) are seen passing to and fro - in apparent agitation_.--MATILDA _appears in a great-coat - and riding habit, seated at the corner of the dinner-table, - which is covered with a clean huckaback cloth_.--_Plates and - napkins, with buck's-horn-handled knives and forks, are - laid as if for four persons_. - -MATILDA. - - _Mat._ Is it impossible for me to have dinner sooner? - - _Land._ Madam, the Brunswick post-waggon is not yet come in, - and the ordinary is never before two o'clock. - - _Mat._ [_with a look expressive of disappointment, but immediately - recomposing herself._] Well, then, I must have patience. - [_Exit Landlady._] Oh Casimere! How often have the thoughts - of thee served to amuse these moments of expectation! What - a difference, alas! Dinner--it is taken away as soon as over, - and we regret it not! It returns again with the return of - appetite. The beef of to-morrow will succeed to the mutton of - to-day, as the mutton of to-day succeeded to the veal of yesterday. - But when once the heart has been occupied by a beloved - object, in vain would we attempt to supply the chasm by - another. How easily are our desires transferred from dish to - dish! Love only, dear, delusive, delightful love, restrains our - wandering appetites, and confines them to a particular - gratification!... - -_Post-horn blows._--_Re-enter_ LANDLADY. - -_Land._ Madam, the post-waggon is come in with only a single gentlewoman. - -_Mat._ Then show her up--and let us have dinner instantly; [_Landlady -going_] and remember--[_after a moment's recollection, and with great -eagerness_]--remember the toasted cheese. - - [_Exit_ LANDLADY. - -CECILIA _enters, in a brown cloth riding-dress, as if just alighted from -the post-waggon._ - -_Mat._ Madam, you seem to have had an unpleasant journey, if I may judge -from the dust on your riding-habit. - -_Cec._ The way was dusty, madam, but the weather was delightful. It -recall'd to me those blissful moments when the rays of desire first -vibrated through my soul. - -_Mat._ [_aside_.] Thank Heaven! I have at last found a heart which is -in unison with my own [_to Cecilia_.] Yes, I understand you--the first -pulsation of sentiment--the silver tones upon the yet unsounded harp.... - -_Cec._ The dawn of life--when this blossom [_putting her hand upon her -heart_] first expanded its petals to the penetrating dart of love! - -_Mat._ Yes--the time--the golden time, when the first beams of the -morning meet and embrace one another! The blooming blue upon the yet -unplucked plum!... - -_Cec._ Your countenance grows animated, my dear madam. - -_Mat._ And yours too is glowing with illumination. - -_Cec._ I had long been looking out for a congenial spirit! My heart was -withered, but the beams of yours have rekindled it. - -_Mat._ A sudden thought strikes me: let us swear an eternal friendship. - -_Cec._ Let us agree to live together! - - _Mat._ Willingly. [_With rapidity and earnestness._ - - _Cec._ Let us embrace. [_They embrace._ - - _Mat._ Yes; I too have loved!--you, too, like me, have been forsaken! - [_Doubtingly and as if with a desire to be informed._ - -_Cec._ Too true! - -_Both._ Ah, these men! these men! - -LANDLADY _enters, and places a leg of mut'on on the table, with sour -krout and prune sauce_--_then a small dish of black puddings._ CECILIA -_and_ MATILDA _appear to take no notice of her._ - -_Mat._ Oh, Casimere! - -_Cec._ [_aside_.] Casimere! that name! Oh, my heart, how it is distracted -with anxiety. - -_Mat._ Heavens! Madam, you turn pale. - -_Cec._ Nothing--a slight megrim--with your leave, I will retire. - -_Mat._ I will attend you. - - [_Exeunt_ MATILDA _and_ CECILIA. _Manent_ LANDLADY _and_ WAITER - _with the dinner on the table_. - -_Land._ Have you carried the dinner to the prisoner in the vaults of the -abbey! - -_Waiter._ Yes. Pease-soup, as usual--with the scrag-end of a neck of -mutton--the emissary of the Count was here again this morning, and -offered me a large sum of money if I would consent to poison him. - - _Land._ Which you refused? [_With hesitation and anxiety._ - - _Waiter._ Can you doubt it? [_With indignation._ - -_Land._ [_recovering herself, and drawing up with an expression of -dignity_.] The conscience of a poor man is as valuable to him as that of -a prince. - -_Waiter._ It ought to be still more so, in proportion as it is generally -more pure. - -_Land._ Thou say'st truly, Job. - -_Waiter_ [_with enthusiasm_.] He who can spurn at wealth when proffer'd -as the price of crime, is greater than a prince. - -_Post-horn blows. Enter_ CASIMERE, _in a travelling dress--a light blue -great-coat with large metal buttons--his hair in a long queue, but -twisted at the end; a large Kevenhuller hat; a cane in his hand._ - -_Cas._ Here, waiter, pull of my boots, and bring me a pair of slippers -[_Exit_ WAITER.] And heark'ye, my lad, a bason of water [_rubbing his -hands_] and a bit of soap--I have not washed since I began my journey. - -_Waiter_ [_answering from behind the door_.] Yes, sir. - -_Cas._ Well, landlady, what company are we to have? - -_Land._ Only two gentlewomen, sir. They are just stepp'd into the next -room--they will be back again in a minute. - -_Cas._ Where do they come from? - - [_All this while the_ WAITER _re-enters with the bason and water_, - CASIMERE _pulls off his boots, takes a napkin from the table, and - washes his face and hands_. - -_Land._ There is one of them, I think, comes from Nuremburgh. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] From Nuremburgh; [_with eagerness_] her name? - -_Land._ Matilda. - -_Cas._ [_aside_.] How does this idiot woman torment me! What else? - -_Land._ I can't recollect. - - _Cas._ Oh agony! [_In a paroxysm of agitation._ - -_Waiter._ See here, her name upon the travelling trunk--Matilda Pottingen. - - _Cas._ Ecstasy! ecstasy! [_Embracing the_ WAITER. - -_Land._ You seem to be acquainted with the lady--shall I call her? - -_Cas._ Instantly--instantly--tell her, her loved, her, long lost--tell -her---- - -_Land._ Shall I tell her dinner is ready? - -_Cas._ Do so--and in the meanwhile I will look after my portmanteau. - - [_Exeunt severally._ - - _Scene changes to a subterraneous vault in the Abbey of - Quedlinburgh, with coffins, 'scutcheous, Death's heads and - cross-bones._--_Toads, and other loathsome reptiles are seen - traversing the obscurer parts of the Stage._--ROGERO _appears - in chains, in a suit of rusty armour, with his beard grown, - and a cap of a grotesque form upon his head._--_Beside him a - crock, or pitcher, supposed to contain his daily allowance of - sustenance._--_A long silence, during which the wind is heard to - whistle through the caverns._--ROGERO _rises, and comes slowly - forward, with his arms folded._ - -_Rog._ Eleven years! it is now eleven years since I was first -immured in this living sepulchre--the cruelty of a minister--the -perfidy of a monk--yes, Matilda! for thy sake--alive amidst the -dead--chained--coffined--confined--cut off from the converse of my -fellow-men. Soft! what have we here? [_stumbles over a bundle of -sticks_.] This cavern is so dark, that I can scarcely distinguish the -objects under my feet. Oh! the register of my captivity. Let me see, -how stands the account? [_takes up the sticks and turns them over with -a melancholy air; then stands silent for a few moments, as if absorbed -in calculation_.] Eleven years and fifteen days! Hah! the twenty-eighth -of August! How does the recollection of it vibrate on my heart! It was -on this day that I took my last leave of my Matilda. It was a summer -evening--her melting hand seemed to dissolve in mine, as I press'd it to -my bosom. Some demon whispered me that I should never see her more. I -stood gazing on the hated vehicle which was conveying her away for ever. -The tears were petrified under my eyelids. My heart was crystallized with -agony. Anon, I looked along the road. The diligence seemed to diminish -every instant. I felt my heart beat against its prison, as if anxious -to leap out and overtake it. My soul whirled round as I watched the -rotation of the hinder wheels. A long trail of glory followed after her, -and mingled with the dust--it was the emanation of Divinity, luminous -with love and beauty, like the splendour of the setting sun; but it told -me that the sun of my joys was sunk for ever. Yes, here in the depths -of an eternal dungeon--in the nursing cradle of hell--the suburbs of -perdition --in a nest of demons, where despair, in vain, sits brooding -over the putrid eggs of hope; where agony woos the embrace of death; -where patience, beside the bottomless pool of despondency, sits angling -for impossibilities. Yet even _here_, to behold her, to embrace her--yes, -Matilda, whether in this dark abode, amidst toads and spiders, or in a -royal palace, amidst the more loathsome reptiles of a Court, would be -indifferent to me. Angels would shower down their hymns of gratulation -upon our heads--while fiends would envy the eternity of suffering -love.... Soft, what air was that? it seemed a sound of more than human -warblings. Again [_listens attentively for some minutes_]--only the wind. -It is well, however; it reminds me of that melancholy air which has so -often solaced the hours of my captivity. Let me see whether the damps of -this dungeon have not yet injured my guitar. [_Takes his guitar, tunes -it, and begins the following air, with a full accompaniment of violins -from the orchestra._] - - [AIR, _Lanterna Magica._] - - -SONG. - -BY ROGERO. - -I. - - Whene'er with haggard eyes I view - This dungeon that I'm rotting in, - I think of those companions true - Who studied with me at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen,-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_Weeps, and pulls out a blue kerchief, with which he wipes his - eyes; gazing tenderly at it, he proceeds_-- - -II. - - Sweet kerchief, check'd with heavenly blue, - Which once my love sat knotting in!-- - Alas! Matilda _then_ was true!-- - At least I thought so at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_At the repetition of this line,_ ROGERO _clanks his chains in - cadence._ - -III. - - Barbs! barbs! alas! how swift you flew, - Her neat post-waggon trotting in! - Ye bore Matilda from my view; - Forlorn I languish'd at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -IV. - - This faded form! this pallid hue! - This blood my veins is clotting in, - My years are many--they were few - When first I entered at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingon-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -V. - - There first for thee my passion grew, - Sweet! sweet Matilda Pottingen! - Thou wast the daughter of my tu-- - --tor, Law Professor at the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - -VI. - - Sun, moon, and thou, vain world, adieu, - That kings and priests are plotting in: - Here doom'd to starve on water gru-- - --el, never shall I see the U-- - --niversity of Gottingen-- - --niversity of Gottingen. - - [_During the last stanza_, ROGERO _dashes his head repeatedly - against the walls of his prison; and, finally, so hard as to - produce a visible contusion. He then throws himself on the floor - in an agony. The curtain drops--the music still continuing to play - till it is wholly fallen._ - - * * * * * - -We have received, in the course of the last week, several long, and to -say the truth, dull letters, from unknown hands, reflecting, in very -severe terms, on Mr. Higgins, for having, as it is affirmed, attempted -to pass upon the world, as a faithful sample of the productions of the -German Theatre, a performance no way resembling any of those pieces, -which have of late excited, and which bid fair to engross the admiration -of the British public. - -As we cannot but consider ourselves as the guardians of Mr. Higgins's -literary reputation, in respect to every work of his which is conveyed -to the world through the medium of our paper (though, what we think of -the danger of his principles, we have already sufficiently explained for -ourselves, and have, we trust, succeeded in putting our readers upon -their guard against them)--we hold ourselves bound not only to justify -the fidelity of the imitation, but (contrary to our original intention) -to give a further specimen of it in our present number, in order to bring -the question more fairly to issue between our author and his calumniators. - -In the first place, we are to observe that Mr. Higgins professes to -have taken his notion of German plays wholly from the translations which -have appeared in our language. If _they_ are totally dissimilar from -the originals, Mr. H. may undoubtedly have been led into error; but the -fault is in the translators, not in him. That he does not differ widely -from the models which he proposed to himself, we have it in our power -to prove satisfactorily; and might have done so in our last number, by -subjoining to each particular passage of his play, the scene in some one -or other of the German plays, which he had in view when he wrote it. -These parallel passages were faithfully pointed out to us by Mr. H. with -that candour which marks his character; and if they were suppressed by -us (as in truth they were), on our heads be the blame, whatever it may -be. Little, indeed, did we think of the imputation which the omission -would bring upon Mr. H., as, in fact, our principal reason for it was the -apprehension that, from the extreme closeness of the imitation in most -instances, he would lose in praise for invention more than he would gain -in credit for fidelity. - -The meeting between Matilda and Cecilia, for example, in the first -act of the "Rovers," and their sudden intimacy, has been censured as -unnatural. Be it so. It is taken _almost word for word_ from "Stella," -a German (or professedly a German) piece now much in vogue; from which -also the catastrophe of Mr. Higgins's play is in part borrowed, so far as -relates to the agreement to which the ladies come, as the reader will see -by-and-by, to share Casimere between them. - -The dinner scene is copied partly from the published translation of the -"Stranger," and partly from the first scene of "Stella." The song of -Rogero, with which the first act concludes, is admitted on all hands to -be in the very first taste; and if no German original is to be found for -it, so much the worse for the credit of German literature. - -An objection has been made by one anonymous letter-writer, to the names -of Puddingfield and Beefington, as little likely to have been assigned -to English characters by any author of taste or discernment. In answer -to this objection, we have, in the first place, to admit that a small, -and we hope not an unwarrantable alteration has been made by us since -the MS. has been in our hands. These names stood originally Puddincrantz -and Beefinstern, which sounded to our ears as being liable, especially -the latter, to a ridiculous inflection--a difficulty that could only be -removed by furnishing them with English terminations. With regard to the -more substantial syllables of the names, our author proceeded in all -probability on the authority of Goldoni, who, though not a German, is an -Italian writer of considerable reputation; and who, having heard that -the English were distinguished for their love of liberty and beef, has -judiciously compounded the two words _Runnymede_ and _beef_, and thereby -produced an English nobleman, whom he styles _Lord Runnybeef_. - -To dwell no longer on particular passages--the best way perhaps of -explaining the whole scope and view of Mr. H.'s imitation, will be to -transcribe the short sketch of the plot, which that gentleman transmitted -to us, together with his drama; and which it is perhaps the more -necessary to give at length, as the limits of our paper not allowing of -the publication of the whole piece, some general knowledge of its main -design may be acceptable to our readers, in order to enable them to judge -of the several extracts which we lay before them. - - -PLOT. - -Rogero, son of the late Minister of the Count of Saxe Weimar, having, -while he was at college, fallen desperately in love with Matilda -Pottingen, daughter of his tutor, Doctor Engelbertus Pottingen, Professor -of Civil Law; and Matilda evidently returning his passion, the doctor, to -prevent ill consequences, sends his daughter on a visit to her aunt in -Wetteravia, where she becomes acquainted with Casimere, a Polish officer, -who happens to be quartered near her aunt's, and has several children by -him. - -Roderic, Count of Saxe Weimar, a prince of tyrannical and licentious -disposition, has for his Prime Minister and favourite, Gaspar, a crafty -villain, who had risen to his post by first ruining, and then putting to -death, Rogero's father. Gaspar, apprehensive of the power and popularity -which the young Rogero may enjoy at his return to Court, seizes the -occasion of his intrigue with Matilda (of which he is apprised officially -by Doctor Pottingen) to procure from his master an order for the recall -of Rogero from college, and for committing him to the care of the prior -of the Abbey of Quedlinburgh, a priest, rapacious, savage, and sensual, -and devoted to Gaspar's interests--sending at the same time private -orders to the prior to confine him in a dungeon. - -Here Rogero languishes many years. His daily sustenance is administered -to him through a grated opening at the top of a cavern, by the -landlady of the Golden Eagle at Weimar, with whom Gaspar contracts, -in the Prince's name, for his support; intending, and more than once -endeavouring, to corrupt the waiter to mingle poison with the food, in -order that he may get rid of Rogero for ever. - -In the meantime Casimere, having been called away from the neighbourhood -of Matilda's residence to other quarters, becomes enamoured of, and -marries Cecilia, by whom he has a family; and whom he likewise deserts -after a few years' cohabitation, on pretence of business which calls him -to Kamtschatka. - -Doctor Pottingen, now grown old and infirm, and feeling the want of his -daughter's society, sends young Pottingen in search of her, with strict -injunctions not to return without her; and to bring with her either her -present lover Casimere, or, should that not be possible, Rogero himself, -if he can find him; the doctor having set his heart upon seeing his -children comfortably settled before his death. Matilda, about the same -period, quits her aunt's in search of Casimere; and Cecilia having been -advertised (by an anonymous letter) of the falsehood of his Kamtschatka -journey, sets out in the post-waggon on a similar pursuit. - -It is at this point of time the play opens--with the accidental meeting -of Cecilia and Matilda at the inn at Weimar. Casimere arrives there soon -after, and falls in first with Matilda, and then with Cecilia. Successive -_eclaircissements_ take place, and an arrangement is finally made, by -which the two ladies are to live jointly with Casimere. - -Young Pottingen, wearied with a few weeks' search, during which he has -not been able to find either of the objects of it, resolves to stop -at Weimar, and wait events there. It so happens, that he takes up his -lodging in the same house with Puddincrantz and Beefinstern, two English -noblemen, whom the tyranny of King John has obliged to fly from their -country; and who, after wandering about the Continent for some time, have -fixed their residence at Weimar. - -The news of the signature of Magna Charta arriving, determines -Puddincrantz and Beefinstern to return to England. Young Pottingen opens -his case to them, and entreats them to stay to assist him in the object -of his search. This they refuse; but coming to the inn where they are -to set off for Hamburgh, they meet Casimere, from whom they have both -received many civilities in Poland. - -Casimere, by this time tired of his "Double Arrangement," and having -learned from the waiter that Rogero is confined in the vaults of the -neighbouring Abbey _for love_, resolves to attempt his rescue, and to -make over Matilda to him as the price of his deliverance. He communicates -his scheme to Puddingfield and Beefington, who agree to assist him; as -also does young Pottingen. The waiter of the inn proving to be a _Knight -Templar_ in disguise, is appointed leader of the expedition. A band of -troubadours, who happen to be returning from the Crusades, and a company -of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers returning from the Seven Years' War, -are engaged as troops. - -The attack on the Abbey is made with success. The Count of Weimar and -Gaspar, who are feasting with the prior, are seized and beheaded in the -refectory. The prior is thrown into the dungeon, from which Rogero is -rescued. Matilda and Cecilia rush in. The former recognizes Rogero, and -agrees to live with him. The children are produced on all sides; and -young Pottingen is commissioned to write to his father, the doctor, to -detail the joyful events which have taken place, and to invite him to -Weimar, to partake of the general felicity. - - * * * * * - - -ACT II. - - SCENE.--_A Room in an ordinary Lodging-house at - Weimar._--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _discovered, sitting at - a small deal table, and playing at All-fours.--Young_ POTTINGEN, - _at another table in the corner of the room, with a pipe in his - mouth, and a Saxon mug of a singular shape beside him, which he - repeatedly applies to his lips, turning back his head, and casting - his eyes towards the firmament. At the last trial he holds the mug - for some moments in a directly inverted position; then replaces it - on the table, with an air of dejection, and gradually sinks into - a profound slumber. The pipe falls from his hand, and is broken._ - -_Beef._ I beg. - -_Pudd._ [_deals three cards to_ BEEFINGTON.] Are you satisfied? - -_Beef._ Enough. What have you? - -_Pudd._ High--low--and the game. - - _Beef._ Ah! 'tis my deal [_deals--turns up a knave_.] One - for his heels! [_Triumphantly._ - - _Pudd._ Is king highest? - - _Beef._ No [_sternly._] The game is mine. The knave gives it me. - - _Pudd._ Are knaves so prosperous? - Ay, marry are they in this world. They have the game in their - hands. Your kings are but _noddies_[208] to them. - -_Pudd._ Ha! ha! ha!--still the same proud spirit, Beefington, which -procured thee thine exile from England. - -_Beef._ England! my native land!--when shall I revisit thee? - - [_During this time_ PUDDINGFIELD _deals, and begins to arrange his - hand_. - -_Beef._ [_continues._] Phoo--hang all-fours; what are they to a mind -ill at ease? Can they cure the heart-ache? Can they sooth banishment? -Can they lighten ignominy? Can all-fours do this? Oh! my Puddingfield, -thy limber and lightsome spirit bounds up against affliction--with the -elasticity of a well-bent bow; but mine--O! mine-- - - [_Falls into an agony, and sinks back in his chair._ YOUNG - POTTINGEN _awakened by the noise, rises, and advances with a grave - demeanour towards_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. _The former - begins to recover_. - -_Y. Pot._ What is the matter, comrades?[209]--you seem agitated. Have you -lost or won? - -_Beef._ Lost. I have lost my country. - -_Y. Pot._ And I my sister. I came hither in search of her. - -_Beef._ O England! - -_Y. Pot._ O Matilda! - -_Beef._ Exiled by the tyranny of an usurper, I seek the means of revenge, -and of restoration to my country. - -_Y. Pot._ Oppressed by the tyranny of an abbot, persecuted by the -jealousy of a count, the betrothed husband of my sister languishes in -a loathsome captivity. Her lover is fled no one knows whither--and I, -her brother, am torn from my paternal roof, and from my studies in -chirurgery, to seek him and her, I know not where--to rescue Rogero, -I know not how. Comrades, your counsel--my search fruitless--my money -gone--my baggage stolen! What am I to do? In yonder abbey--in these -dark, dank vaults, there, my friends--there lies Rogero--there Matilda's -heart---- - - -SCENE II. - -_Enter_ WAITER. - -_Waiter._ Sir, here is a person who desires to speak with you. - -_Beef._ [_goes to the door, and returns with a letter, which he -opens--on perusing it his countenance becomes illuminated, and expands -prodigiously_.] Hah, my friend, what joy! - - [_Turning to_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ What? tell me--let your Puddingfield partake it. - -_Beef._ See here-- [_Produces a printed paper._ - - _Pudd._ What? [_With impatience._ - -_Beef._ [_in a significant tone_.] A newspaper! - -_Pudd._ Hah, what sayst thou! A newspaper! - -_Beef._ Yes, Puddingfield, and see here [_shows it partially_], from -England. - -_Pudd._ [_with extreme earnestness._] Its name! - -_Beef._ The "Daily Advertiser"-- - -_Pudd._ Oh, ecstasy! - -_Beef._ [_with a dignified severity._] Puddingfield, calm -yourself--repress those transports--remember that you are a man. - -_Pudd._ [_after a pause with suppressed emotion._] Well, I will be--I am -calm--yet tell me, Beefington, does it contain any news? - -_Beef._ Glorious news, my dear Puddingfield--the Barons are -victorious--King John has been defeated--Magna Charta, that venerable, -immemorial inheritance of Britons, was signed last Friday was three -weeks, the third of July Old Style. - -_Pudd._ I can scarce believe my ears--but let me satisfy my eyes--show me -the paragraph. - -_Beef._ Here it is, just above the advertisements. - -_Pudd._ [_reads._] "The great demand for Packwood's razor straps."---- - -_Beef._ 'Pshaw! what, ever blundering--you drive me from my patience--see -here, at the head of the column. - - _Pudd._ [_reads._] "A hireling print, devoted to the Court, - Has dared to question our veracity - Respecting the events of yesterday; - But by to-day's accounts, our information - Appears to have been perfectly correct. - The charter of our liberties received - The royal signature at five o'clock, - When messengers were instantly dispatch'd - To Cardinal Pandulfo; and their majesties, - After partaking of a cold collation, - Return'd to Windsor."--I am satisfied. - -_Beef._ Yet here again--there are some further particulars [_turns to -another part of the paper_], "Extract of a letter from Egham--My dear -friend, we are all here in high spirits--the interesting event which took -place this morning at Runnymede, in the neighbourhood of this town"---- - -_Pudd._ Hah! Runnymede, enough--no more--my doubts are vanished--then are -we free indeed! - -_Beef._ I have, besides, a letter in my pocket from our friend, the -immortal Bacon, who has been appointed Chancellor. Our outlawry is -reversed! What says my friend--shall we return by the next packet? - -_Pudd._ Instantly, instantly! - -_Both._ Liberty! Adelaide!--Revenge! - - [_Exeunt. Young_ POTTINGEN _following_, _and waving his hat, but - obviously without much consciousness of the meaning of what has - passed_. - -_Scene changes to the outside of the Abbey. A summer's -evening_--_moonlight. Companies of Austrian and Prussian Grenadiers march -across the stage, confusedly, as if returning from the Seven Years' War. -Shouts, and martial music. The Abbey gates are opened. The monks are -seen passing in procession, with the Prior at their head. The choir is -heard chanting vespers. After which a pause. Then a bell is heard, as if -ringing for supper. Soon after, a noise of singing and jollity._ - - _Enter from the Abbey, pushed out of the gates by the Porter, a - Troubadour, with a bundle under his cloak, and a Lady under his - arm. Troubadour seems much in liquor, but caresses the female - minstrel._ - -_Fem. Min._ Trust me, Gieronymo, thou seemest melancholy. What hast thou -got under thy cloak? - -_Trou._ 'Pshaw, women will be inquiring. Melancholy! not I. I will sing -thee a song, and the subject of it shall be thy question--"What have -I got under my cloak?" It is a riddle, Margaret--I learnt it of an -almanac-maker at Gotha--if thou guessest it after the first stanza, thou -shalt have never a drop for thy pains. Hear me--and, d'ye mark! twirl thy -thingumbob while I sing. - - _Fem. Min._ 'Tis a pretty tune, and hums dolefully. - [_Plays on the balalaika_.[210] _Troubadour sings._ - - I bear a secret comfort here, - [_putting his hand on the bundle, but without showing it._ - A joy I'll ne'er impart; - It is not wine, it is not beer, - But it consoles my heart. - -_Fem. Min._ [_interrupting him._] I'll be hang'd if you don't mean the -bottle of cherry-brandy that you stole out of the vaults in the Abbey -cellar. - -_Trou._ I mean!--Peace, wench, thou disturbest the current of my feelings. - - [_Fem. Min. attempts to lay hold of the bottle. Troubadour pushes - her aside, and continues singing without interruption._ - - This cherry-bounce, this lov'd noyau, - My drink for ever be; - But, sweet my love, thy wish forego, - I'll give no drop to thee! - - (_Both together_.) - - _Trou._ {This} cherry-bounce {This} lov'd noyau, - _F. M._ {That} {that} - _Trou._ {My } drink for ever be; - _F. M._ {Thy } - _Trou._ } But, sweet my love, {thy wish forego! - _F. M._ } {one drop bestow, - _Trou._ {I } keep it all for {me! - _F. M._ {Nor} {thee! - - [_Exeunt struggling for the bottle, but without anger or - animosity, the Fem. Min. appearing, by degrees, to obtain a - superiority in the contest._ - -Act the Third contains the _eclaircissements_ and final arrangement -between Casimere, Matilda, and Cecilia: which so nearly resemble the -concluding act of "Stella," that we forbear to lay it before our readers. - - * * * * * - - -ACT IV. - - SCENE--_The Inn door--Diligence drawn up._ CASIMERE _appears - superintending the package of his portmanteaus, and giving - directions to the Porters._ - -_Enter_ BEEFINGTON _and_ PUDDINGFIELD. - -_Pudd._ Well, Coachey, have you got two inside places? - -_Coach._ Yes, your honour. - -_Pudd._ [_seems to be struck with_ CASIMERE'S _appearance. He surveys him -earnestly, without paying any attention to the coachman, then doubtingly -pronounces_] Casimere! - -_Cas._ [_turning round rapidly, recognises_ PUDDINGFIELD, _and embraces -him_.] My Puddingfield! - -_Pudd._ My Casimere! - -_Cas._ What, Beefington too! [_discovering him_.] Then is my joy complete. - -_Beef._ Our fellow-traveller, as it seems. - -_Cas._ Yes, Beefington--but wherefore to Hamburgh? - -_Beef._ Oh, Casimere[211]--to fly--to fly--to return--England--our -country--Magna Charta--it is liberated--a new era--House of -Commons--Crown and Anchor--Opposition---- - -_Cas._ What a contrast! you are flying to liberty and your home--I, -driven from my home by tyranny--am exposed to domestic slavery in a -foreign country. - -_Beef._ How domestic slavery? - -_Cas._ Too true--two wives [_slowly, and with a dejected air--then after -a pause_]--you knew my Cecilia? - -_Pudd._ Yes, five years ago. - -_Cas._ Soon after that period I went upon a visit to a lady in -Wetteravia--my Matilda was under her protection--alighting at a peasant's -cabin, I saw her on a charitable visit, spreading bread-and-butter -for the children, in a light-blue riding habit. The simplicity of her -appearance--the fineness of the weather--all conspired to interest me--my -heart moved to hers--as if by a magnetic sympathy--we wept, embraced, -and went home together--she became the mother of my Pantalowsky. But five -years of enjoyment have not stifled the reproaches of my conscience--her -Rogero is languishing in captivity--if I could restore her to _him!_ - -_Beef._ Let us rescue him. - -_Cas._ Will without power[212] is like children playing at soldiers. - -_Beef._ Courage without power[213] is like a consumptive running footman. - -_Cas._ Courage without power is a contradiction.[214] Ten brave men might -set all Quedlinburgh at defiance. - -_Beef._ Ten brave men--but where are they to be found? - -_Cas._ I will tell you--marked you the waiter? - - _Beef._ The waiter? [_Doubtingly._ - -_Cas._ [_in a confidential tone_.] No waiter, but a Knight Templar. -Returning from the crusade, he found his Order dissolved, and his -person proscribed. He dissembled his rank, and embraced the profession -of a waiter. I have made sure of him already. There are, besides, an -Austrian and a Prussian grenadier. I have made them abjure their national -enmity, and they have sworn to fight henceforth in the cause of freedom. -These, with Young Pottingen, the waiter, and ourselves, make seven--the -troubadour, with his two attendant minstrels, will complete the ten. - - _Beef._ Now then for the execution. [_With enthusiasm._ - - _Pudd._ Yes, my boys--for the execution. - [_Clapping them on the back._ - -_Waiter._ But hist! we are observed. - -_Trou._ Let us by a song conceal our purposes. - -RECITATIVE ACCOMPANIED.[215] - - _Cas._ Hist! hist! nor let the airs that blow - From Night's cold lungs, our purpose know! - - _Pudd._ Let Silence, mother of the dumb, - - _Beef._ Press on each lip her palsied thumb! - - _Wait._ Let privacy, allied to sin, - That loves to haunt the tranquil inn-- - - _Gren._ } And Conscience start, when she shall view, - _Trou._ } The mighty deed we mean to do! - -GENERAL CHORUS--_Con spirito._ - - Then friendship swear, ye faithful bands, - Swear to save a shackled hero! - See where yon Abbey frowning stands! - Rescue, rescue, brave Rogero! - - _Cas._ Thrall'd in a Monkish tyrant's fetters, - Shall great Rogero hopeless lie? - - _Y. Pot._ In my pocket I have letters, - Saying, "help me, or I die!" - - _Allegro Allegretto._ - - _Cas. Beef. Pudd. Gren. Trou._ } Let us fly, let us fly, - _Waiter, and Pot. with enthusiasm_ } Let us help, ere he die! - [_Exeunt omnes, waving their hats._ - - SCENE.--_The Abbey gate, with ditches, drawbridges, and spikes. - Time--about an hour before sunrise. The conspirators appear - as if in ambuscade, whispering, and consulting together, in - expectation of the signal for attack. The_ WAITER _is habited - as a Knight Templar, in the dress of his Order, with the cross - on his breast, and the scallop on his shoulder_; PUDDINGFIELD - _and_ BEEFINGTON _armed with blunderbusses and pocket pistols; - the Grenadiers in their proper uniforms. The Troubadour, with - his attendant Minstrels, bring up the rear--martial music--the - conspirators come forward, and present themselves before the - gate of the Abbey.--Alarum--firing of pistols--the Convent - appear in arms upon the walls--the drawbridge is let down--a - body of choristers and lay-brothers attempt a sally, but are - beaten back, and the verger killed. The besieged attempt to - raise the drawbridge_--PUDDINGFIELD _and_ BEEFINGTON _press - forward with alacrity, throw themselves upon the drawbridge, - and by the exertion of their weight, preserve it in a state of - depression--the other besiegers join them, and attempt to force - the entrance, but without effect._ PUDDINGFIELD _makes the signal - for the battering ram. Enter_ QUINTUS CURTIUS _and_ MARCUS CURIUS - DENTATUS, _in their proper military habits, preceded by the Roman - Eagle--the rest of their legion are employed in bringing forward - a battering ram, which plays for a few minutes to slow time, till - the entrance is forced. After a short resistance, the besiegers - rush in with shouts of victory._ - - _Scene changes to the interior of the Abbey. The inhabitants of - the Convent are seen flying in all directions._ - - _The_ COUNT OF WEIMAR _and_ PRIOR, _who had been feasting in - the refectory, are brought in manacled. The_ COUNT _appears - transported with rage, and gnaws his chains. The_ PRIOR _remains - insensible, as if stupefied with grief._ BEEFINGTON _takes - the keys of the dungeon, which are hanging at the_ PRIOR'S - _girdle, and makes a sign for them both to be led away into - confinement.--Exeunt_ PRIOR _and_ COUNT _properly guarded. The - rest of the conspirators disperse in search of the dungeon where_ - ROGERO _is confined._ - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 204: A See the "Robbers." a German tragedy, in which robbery is -put in so fascinating a light, that the whole of a German University went -upon the highway in consequence of it.] - -[Footnote 205: See "Cabal and Love," a German tragedy, very severe -against Prime Ministers and reigning Dukes of Brunswick. This admirable -performance very judiciously reprobates the hire of German troops for the -_American war_ in the reign of Queen Elizabeth--a practice which would -undoubtedly have been highly discreditable to that wise and patriotic -princess, not to say wholly unnecessary, there being no American war at -that particular time.] - -[Footnote 206: See the "Stranger; or, Reform'd Housekeeper," in which -the former of these morals is beautifully illustrated; and "Stella," a -genteel German comedy, which ends with placing a man _bodkin_ between -_two wives_, like _Thames_ between his _two banks_, in the "Critic." -Nothing can be more edifying than these two dramas. I am shocked to hear -that there are some people who think them ridiculous.] - -[Footnote 207: These are the warnings very properly given to readers, -to beware how they judge of what they cannot understand. Thus, if the -translation runs "lightning of my soul, fulguration of angels, sulphur -of hell;" we should recollect that this is not coarse or strange in the -German language, when applied by a lover to his mistress; but the English -has nothing precisely parallel to the original Mulychause Archangelichen, -which means rather "emanation of the archangelican nature"--or to -Smellmynkern Vankelfer, which, if literally rendered, would signify -"made of stuff of the same odour whereof the devil makes flambeaux." See -Schuettenbruech on the German Idiom.] - -[Footnote 208: This is an excellent joke in German; the point and -spirit of which is but ill-rendered in a translation. A Noddy, the -reader will observe, has two significations--the one a "knave at -all-fours;" the other a "fool or booby." See the translation by Mr. -Render of "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamtschatka," a German -tragi-comi-comi-tragedy: where the play opens with a scene of a game at -chess (from which the whole of this scene is copied), and a joke of the -same point and merriment about pawns--_i.e._, boors being _a match_ for -kings.] - -[Footnote 209: This word in the original is strictly -"fellow-lodgers"--"co-occupants of the same room, in a house let out -at a small rent by the week." There is no single word in English which -expresses so complicated a relation, except, perhaps, the cant term of -"chum," formerly in use at our universities.] - -[Footnote 210: The balalaika is a Russian instrument, resembling the -guitar.--See the play of "Count Benyowsky," rendered into English.] - -[Footnote 211: See "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy of Kamschatka," -where Crustiew, an old gentleman of much sagacity, talks the following -nonsense: - -_Crustiew_ [_with youthful energy and an air of secrecy and confidence_.] -"To fly, to fly, to the Isles of Marian--the island of Tinian--a -terrestrial paradise. Free--free--a mild climate--a new created -sun--wholesome fruits--harmless inhabitants--and Liberty--tranquillity."] - -[Footnote 212: See "Count Benyowsky." as before.] - -[Footnote 213: See "Count Benyowsky."] - -[Footnote 214: See "Count Benyowsky" again; from which play this and the -preceding references are taken word for word. We acquit the Germans of -such reprobate silly stuff. It must be the translator's.] - -[Footnote 215: We believe this song to be copied, with a small variation -in metre and meaning, from a song in "Count Benyowsky; or, the Conspiracy -of Kamtschatka,"--where the conspirators join in a chorus, _for fear of -being overheard_.] - - - - -BOMBASTES FURIOSO. - -FIRST PERFORMED AT THE THEATRE ROYAL HAYMARKET, AUGUST 7, 1810. - - -DRAMATIS PERSONAE. - - ARTAXOMINOUS, _King of Utopia._ - - FUSBOS, _Minister of State._ - - GENERAL BOMBASTES. - - _Attendants or Courtiers._ - - _Army_--a long Drummer, a short - Fifer, and two (sometimes three) - Soldiers of different dimensions. - - DISTAFFINA. - -SCENE I.--_Interior of the Palace._ - - _The_ KING _in his chair of state.--A table set out with - punchbowl, glasses, pipes, &c._--ATTENDANTS _on each side._ - -TRIO.--"_Tekeli._" - - _1st Atten._ What will your majesty please to wear? - Or blue, green, red, black, white, or brown? - - _2nd Atten._ D'ye choose to look at the bill of fare? - [_Showing long bill._ - - _King._ Get out of my sight, or I'll knock you down. - - _2nd Atten._ Here is soup, fish, or goose, or duck, or fowl, - or pigeons, pig, or hare! - - _1st Atten._ Or blue, or green, or red, or black, or white, or brown, - What will your Majesty, &c. - - _King._ Get out of my sight, &c. [_Exeunt_ ATTENDANTS. - -_Enter_ FUSBOS, _and kneels to the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ Hail, Artaxominous! yclep'd the Great! - I come, an humble pillar of thy state, - Pregnant with news--but ere that news I tell, - First let me hope your Majesty is well. - - _King._ Rise, learned Fusbos! rise, my friend, and know - We are but middling--that is, _so so!_ - - _Fusbos._ Only _so so!_ Oh, monstrous, doleful thing! - Is it the mulligrubs affects the king? - Or, dropping poisons in the cup of joy, - Do the blue devils your repose annoy? - - _King._ Nor mulligrubs nor devils blue are here, - But yet we feel ourselves a little queer. - - _Fusbos._ Yes, I perceive it in that vacant eye, - The vest unbutton'd, and the wig awry; - So sickly cats neglect their fur-attire, - And sit and mope beside the kitchen fire. - - _King._ Last night, when undisturb'd by state affairs, - Moist'ning our clay, and puffing off our cares, - Oft the replenish'd goblet did we drain, - And drank and smok'd, and smok'd and drank again! - Such was the case, our very actions such, - Until at length we got a drop too much. - - _Fusbos._ So when some donkey on the Blackheath Road, - Falls, overpower'd, beneath his sandy load; - The driver's curse unheeded swells the air, - Since none can carry more than they can bear. - - _King._ The sapient Doctor Muggins came in haste, - Who suits his physic to his patient's taste; - He, knowing well on what our heart is set, - Hath just prescrib'd, "To take a morning whet;" - The very sight each sick'ning pain subdues. - Then sit, my Fusbos, sit and tell thy news. - - _Fusbos_ [_sits._] Gen'ral Bombastes, whose resistless force - Alone exceeds by far a brewer's horse, - Returns victorious, bringing mines of wealth! - - _King._ Does he, by jingo? then we'll drink his health! - [_Drum and Fife._ - - _Fusbos._ But hark! with loud acclaim, the fife and drum - Announce your army near; behold, they come! - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, _attended by one_ DRUMMER, _one_ FIFER, _and - two_ SOLDIERS, _all very materially differing in size.--They march - round the stage and back_. - - _Bombas._ Meet me this ev'ning at the Barley Mow; - I'll bring your pay--you see I'm busy now: - Begone, brave army, and don't kick up a row. - [_Exeunt_ SOLDIERS. - [_To the_ KING.] Thrash'd are your foes--this watch and - silken string, - Worn by their chief, I as a trophy bring; - I knock'd him down, then snatch'd it from his fob; - "Watch, watch," he cried, when I had done the job. - "My watch is gone," says he--says I, "Just so; - Stop where you are--watches were made to go." - - _King._ For which we make you Duke of Strombelo. - [BOMBASTES _kneels; the_ KING - _dubs him with a pipe, and then presents the bowl_. - From our own bowl here drink, my soldier true, - And if you'd like to take a whiff or two, - He whose brave arm hath made our foes to crouch, - Shall have a pipe from this our royal pouch. - - _Bombas._ [_rises._] Honours so great have all my toils repaid! - My liege, and Fusbos, here's "Success to trade". - - _Fusbos._ Well said, Bombastes! Since thy mighty blows, - Have given a quietus to our foes, - Now shall our farmers gather in their crops, - And busy tradesmen mind their crowded shops - The deadly havoc of war's hatchet cease; - Now shall we smoke the calumet of peace. - - _King._ I shall smoke short-cut, you smoke what you please. - - _Bombas._ Whate'er your Majesty shall deign to name, - Short cut or long to me is all the same. - - _Bombas._ } In short, so long, as we your favours claim, - and } Short cut or long, to us is all the same. - _Fusbos._ } - - _King._ Thanks, gen'rous friends! now list whilst I impart - How firm you're lock'd and bolted in my heart; - So long as this here pouch a pipe contains, - Or a full glass in that there bowl remains, - To you an equal portion shall belong; - This do I swear, and now--let's have a song. - - _Fusbos._ My liege shall be obeyed. - - [_Advances and attempts to sing._ - - _Bombas._ Fusbos, give place, - You know you haven't got a singing face; - Here nature, smiling, gave the winning grace. - - SONG.--"_Hope told a flatt'ring Tale_." - - Hope told a flattering tale, - Much longer than my arm, - That love and pots of ale - In peace would keep me warm: - The flatt'rer is not gone, - She visits number one: - In love I'm monstrous deep. - Love! odsbobs, destroys my sleep, - Hope told a flattering tale, - Lest love should soon grow cool; - A tub thrown to a whale, - To make the fish a fool: - Should Distaffina frown, - Then love's gone out of town; - And when love's dream is o'er, - Then we wake and dream no more. - [_Exit._ - - [_The_ KING _evinces strong emotions during the song, and at the - conclusion starts up._ - - _Fusbos._ What ails my liege? ah! why that look so sad? - - _King_ [_coming forward._] I am in love! I scorch, I freeze, I'm mad! - Oh, tell me, Fusbos, first and best of friends, - You, who have wisdom at your fingers' ends, - Shall it be so, or shall it not be so? - Shall I my Griskinissa's charms forego, - Compel her to give up the regal chair, - And place the rosy Distaffina there? - In such a case, what course can I pursue? - I love my queen, and Distaffina too. - - _Fusbos._ And would a king his general supplant? - I can't advise, upon my soul I can't. - - _King._ So when two feasts, whereat there's nought to pay, - Fall unpropitious on the self-same day, - The anxious Cit each invitation views, - And ponders which to take or which refuse: - From this or that to keep away is loth, - And sighs to think he cannot dine at both. [_Exit._ - - _Fusbos._ So when some school-boy, on a rainy day, - Finds all his playmates will no longer stay, - He takes the hint himself--and walks away. [_Exit._ - - -SCENE II.--_An Avenue of Trees._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ I'll seek the maid I love, though in my way - A dozen gen'rals stood in fierce array! - Such rosy beauties nature meant for kings; - Subjects have treat enough to see such things. - - -SCENE III.--_Inside of a Cottage._ - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ This morn, as sleeping in my bed I lay, - I dreamt (and morning dreams come true they say), - I dreamt a cunning man my fortune told, - And soon the pots and pans were turned to gold! - Then I resolv'd to cut a mighty dash; - But, lo! ere I could turn them into cash, - Another cunning man my heart betray'd, - Stole all away, and left my debts unpaid. - -_Enter the_ KING. - - And pray, sir, who are you, I'd wish to know? - - _King._ Perfection's self, oh, smooth that angry brow! - For love of thee, I've wander'd thro' the town, - And here have come to offer half a crown. - - _Distaf._ Fellow! your paltry offer I despise; - The great Bombastes' love alone I prize. - - _King._ He's but a general--damsel, I'm a king; - - _Distaf._ Oh, sir, that makes it quite another thing. - - _King._ And think not, maiden, I could e'er design - A sum so trifling for such charms as thine. - No! the half crown that ting'd thy cheeks with red, - And bade fierce anger o'er thy beauties spread, - Was meant that thou should'st share my throne and bed. - - _Distaf._ [_aside._] My dream is out, and I shall soon behold - The pots and pans all turn to shining gold. - - _King_ [_puts his hat down to kneel on._] Here, on my knees - (those knees which ne'er till now - To man or maid in suppliance bent) I vow - Still to remain, till you my hopes fulfil, - Fixt as the Monument on Fish Street Hill. - - _Distaf._ [_kneels._] And thus I swear, as I bestow my hand, - As long as e'er the Monument shall stand, - So long I'm yours---- - - _King._ Are then my wishes crown'd? - - _Distaf._ La, sir! I'd not say no for twenty pound; - Let silly maids for love their favours yield, - Rich ones for me--a king against the field. - -SONG.--"_Paddy's Wedding._" - - Queen Dido at - Her palace gate - Sat darning of her stocking O; - She sung and drew - The worsted through, - Whilst her foot was the cradle rocking O; - (For a babe she had - By a soldier lad, - Though hist'ry passes it over O); - "You tell-tale brat, - I've been a flat, - Your daddy has proved a rover O. - What a fool was I - To be cozen'd by - A fellow without a penny O; - When rich ones came, - And ask'd the same, - For I'd offers from never so many O; - But I'll darn my hose, - Look out for beaux, - And quickly get a new lover O; - Then come, lads, come, - Love beats the drum, - And a fig for AEneas the rover O." - - _King._ So Orpheus sang of old, or poets lie, - And as the brutes were charmed, e'en so am I. - Rosy-cheek'd maid, henceforth my only queen, - Full soon shalt thou in royal robes be seen; - And through my realm I'll issue this decree, - None shall appear of taller growth than thee: - Painters no other face portray--each sign - O'er alehouse hung shall change its head for thine. - Poets shall cancel their unpublish'd lays, - And none presume to write but in thy praise. - - _Distaf._ [_fetches a bottle and glass._] And may I then, - without offending, crave - My love to taste of this, the best I have? - - _King._ Were it the vilest liquor upon earth, - Thy touch would render it of matchless worth; - Dear shall the gift be held that comes from you; - Best proof of love [_drinks_],'tis full-proof Hodges' too; - Through all my veins I feel a genial glow, - It fires my soul---- - - _Bombastes_ [_within._] Ho, Distaffina, ho! - - _King._ Heard you that voice? - - _Distaf._ O yes, 'tis what's his name, - The General; send him packing as he came. - - _King._ And is it he? and doth he hither come? - Ah me! my guilty conscience strikes me dumb: - Where shall I go? say, whither shall I fly? - Hide me, oh hide me from his injur'd eye! - - _Distaf._ Why, sure you're not alarm'd at such a thing? - He's but a general, and you're a king. - [KING _conceals himself in a closet in flat_. - -_Enter_ BOMBASTES. - - _Bombas._ Lov'd Distaffina! now by my scars I vow, - Scars got--I haven't time to tell you how; - By all the risks my fearless heart hath run, - Risks of all shapes from bludgeon, sword, and gun. - Steel traps, the patrole, bailiff shrewd, and dun; - By the great bunch of laurel on my brow, - Ne'er did thy charms exceed their present glow! - Oh! let me greet thee with a loving kiss---- [_Sees the hat._ - Why, what the devil!--say, whose hat is this? - - _Distaf._ Why, help your silly brains, that's not a hat. - - _Bombas._ No hat? - - _Distaf._ Suppose it is, why, what of that? - A hat can do no harm without a head! - - _Bombas._ Whoe'er it fits, this hour I doom him dead; - Alive from hence the caitiff shall not stir---- - [_Discovers the_ KING. - Your most obedient, humble servant; sir. - - _King._ Oh, general, oh! - - _Bombas._ My much-loved master, oh! - What means all this? - - _King._ Indeed I hardly know---- - - _Distaf._ You hardly know?--a very pretty joke, - If kingly promises so soon are broke! - Arn't I to be a queen, and dress so fine? - - _King._ I do repent me of the foul design: - To thee, my brave Bombastes, I restore - Pure Distaffina, and will never more - Through lane or street with lawless passion rove, - But give to Griskinissa all my love. - - _Bombas._ No, no, I'll love no more; let him who can - Fancy the maid who fancies ev'ry man. - In some lone place I'll find a gloomy cave, - There my own hands shall dig a spacious grave. - Then all unseen I'll lay me down and die, - Since woman's constancy is--all my eye. - -TRIO.--"_O Lady Fair!_" - - _Dislaf._ O, cruel man! where are you going? - Sad are my wants, my rent is owing. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, all comfort scorning; - Some death I'll die before the morning. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho! sad is that warning-- - Oh, do not die before the morning! - - _King._ I'll follow him, all danger scorning; - He shall not die before the morning. - - _Bombas._ I go, I go, &c. - - _Distaf._ Heigho, heigho, &c. - - _King._ I'll follow him, &c. - - [_They hold him by the coat-tails, but he gradually tugs them off._ - - -SCENE IV.--_A Wood._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This day is big with fate: just as I set - My foot across the threshold, lo! I met - A man whose squint terrific struck my view; - Another came, and lo! he squinted too; - And ere I'd reach'd the corner of the street, - Some ten short paces, 'twas my lot to meet - A third who squinted more--a fourth, and he - Squinted more vilely than the other three. - Such omens met the eye when Caesar fell, - But cautioned him in vain; and who can tell - Whether those awful notices of fate - Are meant for kings or ministers of state; - For rich or poor, old, young, or short or tall, - The wrestler Love trips up the heels of all. - -SONG.--"_My Lodging is on the Cold Ground._" - - My lodging is in Leather Lane, - A parlour that's next to the sky; - 'Tis exposed to the wind and the rain, - But the wind and the rain I defy: - Such love warms the coldest of spots, - As I feel for Scrubinda the fair; - Oh, she lives by the scouring of pots, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - Oh, were I a quart, pint, or gill, - To be scrubb'd by her delicate hands, - Let others possess what they will - Of learning, and houses, and lands; - My parlour that's next to the sky - I'd quit, her blest mansion to share; - So happy to live and to die - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. - - And oh, would this damsel be mine, - No other provision I'd seek; - On a look I could breakfast and dine, - And feast on a smile for a week. - But ah! should she false-hearted prove, - Suspended, I'll dangle in air; - A victim to delicate love, - In Dyot Street, Bloomsbury Square. [_Exit._ - - _Enter_ BOMBASTES, preceded by a Fifer, playing "Michael Wiggins."_ - - _Bombas._ Gentle musician, let thy dulcet strain - Proceed--play "Michael Wiggins" once again [_he does so_.] - Music's the food of love; give o'er, give o'er, - For I must batten on that food no more. [_Exit_ FIFER. - My happiness is chang'd to doleful dumps, - Whilst, merry Michael, all thy cards were trumps. - So, should some youth by fortune's blest decrees, - Possess at least a pound of Cheshire cheese, - And bent some favour'd party to regale, - Lay in a kilderkin, or so, of ale; - Lo, angry fate! In one unlucky hour - Some hungry rats may all the cheese devour, - And the loud thunder turn the liquor sour [_forms his sash into - a noose_.] - Alas! alack! alack! and well-a-day, - That ever man should make himself away! - That ever man for woman false should die, - As many have, and so, and so [_prepares to hang himself, tries - the sensation, but disapproves of the result_] won't I! - No, I'll go mad! 'gainst all I'll vent my rage, - And with this wicked wanton world a woeful war I'll wage! - - [_Hangs his boots to the arm of a tree, and taking a scrap of - paper, with a pencil writes the following couplet, which he - attaches to them, repeating the words_:-- - - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Thus do I challenge all the human race. - [_Draws his sword, and retires up the stage, and off._ - -_Enter the_ KING. - - _King._ Scorning my proffer'd hand, he frowning fled, - Curs'd the fair maid, and shook his angry head [_perceives the boots - and label._.] - "Who dares this pair of boots displace, - Must meet Bombastes face to face." - Ha! dost thou dare me, vile obnoxious elf? - I'll make thy threats as bootless as thyself: - Where'er thou art, with speed prepare to go - Where I shall send thee--to the shades below [_knocks down the - boots_.] - - _Bombas._ [_coming forward_.] So have I heard on Afric's burning - shore, - A hungry lion give a grievous roar; - The grievous roar echo'd along the shore. - - _King._ So have I heard on Afric's burning shore - Another lion give a grievous roar, - And the first lion thought the last a bore. - - _Bombas._ Am I then mocked? Now by my fame I swear - You soon shall have it--There! [_They fight._ - - _King._ Where? - - _Bombas._ There and there! - - _King._ I have it sure enough--Oh! I am slain! - I'd give a pot of beer to live again [_falls on his back_]; - Yet ere I die I something have to say: - My once-lov'd gen'ral, pri'thee come this way! - Oh! oh! my Bom---- [_Dies._ - - _Bombas._ --Bastes he would have said; - But ere the word was out, his breath was fled. - Well, peace be with him, his untimely doom - Shall thus be mark'd upon his costly tomb:-- - "Fate cropt him short--for be it understood. - He would have liv'd much longer--if he could." - [_Retires again up the stage._ - -_Enter_ FUSBOS. - - _Fusbos._ This was the way they came, and much I fear - There's mischief in the wind. What have we here? - King Artaxominous bereft of life! - Here'll be a pretty tale to tell his wife. - - _Bombas._ A pretty tale, but not for thee to tell, - For thou shalt quickly follow him to hell; - There say I sent thee, and I hope he's well. - - _Fusbos._ No, thou thyself shalt thy own message bear; - Short is the journey, thou wilt soon be there. - -[_They fight_--BOMBASTES _is wounded_. - - _Bombas._ Oh, Fusbos, Fusbos! I am diddled quite, - Dark clouds come o'er my eyes--farewell, good night! - Good night! my mighty soul's inclined to roam, - So make my compliments to all at home. - [_Lies down by the_ KING. - - _Fusbos._ And o'er thy grave a monument shall rise, - Where heroes yet unborn shall feast their eyes; - And this short epitaph that speaks thy fame, - Shall also there immortalize my name:-- - "Here lies Bombastes, stout of heart and limb, - Who conquered all but Fusbos--Fusbos him." - -_Enter_ DISTAFFINA. - - _Distaf._ Ah, wretched maid! Oh, miserable fate! - I've just arrived in time to be too late; - What now shall hapless Distaffina do? - Curse on all morning dreams, they come so true! - - _Fusbos._ Go, beauty go, thou source of woe to man, - And get another lover where you can: - The crown now sits on Griskinissa's head, - To her I'll go---- - - _Distaf._ But are you sure they're dead? - - _Fusbos._ Yes, dead as herrings--herrings that are red. - - -FINALE. - - _Distaf._ Briny tears I'll shed, - - _King._ I for joy shall cry, too; [_Rising._ - - _Fusbos._ Zounds! the King's alive! - - _Bombas._ Yes, and so am I, too! [_Rising._ - - _Distaf._ It was better far, - - _King._ Thus to check all sorrow; - - _Fusbos._ But, if some folks please, - - _Bombas._ We'll die again to-morrow! - - * * * * * - - _Distaf._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _King._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi; - - _Fusbos._ Tu ral, lu ral, la, - - _Bombas._ Tu ral, lu ral, laddi! - -_They take hands and dance round, repeating Chorus._ - - - - -REJECTED ADDRESSES. - -PREFACE. - - -On the 14th of August, 1812, the following advertisement appeared in most -of the daily papers: - -"_Rebuilding of Drury Lane Theatre._ - -"The Committee are desirous of promoting a free and fair competition -for an Address to be spoken upon the opening of the Theatre, which will -take place, on the 10th of October next. They have therefore thought -fit to announce to the public, that they will be glad to receive any -such compositions, addressed to their Secretary, at the Treasury Office, -in Drury Lane, on or before the 10th of September, sealed up, with a -distinguishing word, number, or motto, on the cover, corresponding with -the inscription on a separate sealed paper containing the name of the -author, which will not be opened, unless containing the name of the -successful candidate." - -Upon the propriety of this plan, men's minds were, as they usually are -upon matters of moment, much divided. Some thought it a fair promise of -the future intention of the Committee to abolish that phalanx of authors -who usurp the stage, to the exclusion of a large assortment of dramatic -talent blushing unseen in the background; while others contended, that -the scheme would prevent men of real eminence from descending into an -amphitheatre in which all Grub Street (that is to say, all London and -Westminster) would be arrayed against them. The event has proved both -parties to be in a degree right, and in a degree wrong. One hundred and -twelve Addresses have been sent in, each sealed and signed, and mottoed, -"as per order," some written by men of great, some by men of little, and -some by men of no talent. - -Many of the public prints have censured the taste of the Committee, in -thus contracting for Addresses as they would for nails--by the gross; but -it is surprising that none should have censured their _temerity_. One -hundred and eleven of the Addresses must, of course, be unsuccessful: -to each of the authors, thus infallibly classed with the _genus -irritabile_, it would be very hard to deny six staunch friends, who -consider his the best of all possible Addresses, and whose tongues will -be as ready to laud him as to hiss his adversary. These, with the potent -aid of the bard himself, make seven foes per Address, and thus will be -created seven hundred and seventy-seven implacable auditors, prepared to -condemn the strains of Apollo himself; a band of adversaries which no -prudent manager would think of exasperating. - -But leaving the Committee to encounter the responsibility they have -incurred, the public have at least to thank them for ascertaining -and establishing one point, which might otherwise have admitted of -controversy. When it is considered that many amateur writers have been -discouraged from becoming competitors, and that few, if any, of the -professional authors can afford to write for nothing, and of course -have not been candidates for the honorary prize at Drury Lane, we may -confidently pronounce, that, as far as regards _number_, the present -is undoubtedly the Augustan age of English poetry. Whether or not this -distinction will be extended to the _quality_ of its productions, must -be decided at the tribunal of posterity, though the natural anxiety of -our authors on this score ought to be considerably diminished, when they -reflect how few will, in all probability, be had up for judgment. - -It is not necessary for the Editor to mention the manner in which he -became possessed of this "fair sample of the present state of poetry in -Great Britain." It was his first intention to publish the whole; but a -little reflection convinced him that, by so doing, he might depress the -good, without elevating the bad. He has therefore culled what had the -appearance of flowers, from what possessed the reality of weeds, and -is extremely sorry that, in so doing, he has diminished his collection -to twenty-one. Those which he has rejected may possibly make their -appearance in a separate volume, or they may be admitted as volunteers -in the files of some of the newspapers; or, at all events, they are sure -of being received among the awkward squad of the Magazines. In general, -they bear a close resemblance to each other: thirty of them contain -extravagant compliments to the immortal Wellington, and the indefatigable -Whitbread; and, as the last-mentioned gentleman is said to dislike praise -in the exact proportion in which he deserves it, these laudatory writers -have probably been only building a wall, against which they might run -their own heads. - -The Editor here begs leave to advance a few words in behalf of that -useful and much-abused bird, the Phoenix, and in so doing he is biassed -by no partiality, as he assures the reader he not only never saw one, -but (_mirabile dictu!_) never caged one in a simile in the whole course -of his life. Not less than sixty-nine of the competitors have invoked -the aid of this native of Arabia; but as from their manner of using him, -after they had caught him, he does not by any means appear to have been -a native of Arabia _Felix_, the Editor has left the proprietors to treat -with Mr. Polito, and refused to receive this _rara avis_, or black swan, -into the present collection. One exception occurs, in which the admirable -treatment of this feathered incombustible entitles the author to great -praise. That Address has been preserved, and in the ensuing pages takes -the lead, to which its dignity entitles it. - -Perhaps the reason why several of the subjoined productions of the MUSAE -LONDINENSES have failed of selection, may be discovered in their being -penned in a metre unusual upon occasions of this sort, and in their not -being written with that attention to stage effect, the want of which, -like want of manners in the concerns of life, is more prejudicial than -a deficiency of talent. There is an art in writing for the Theatre, -technically called _touch and go_, which is indispensable when we -consider the small quantum of patience which so motley an assemblage as -a London audience can be expected to afford. All the contributors have -been very exact in sending their initials and mottoes. Those belonging -to the present collection have been carefully preserved, and each has -been affixed to its respective poem. The letters that accompanied the -Addresses having been honourably destroyed unopened, it is impossible -to state the real authors with any certainty, but the ingenious reader, -after comparing the initials with the motto, and both with the poem, may -form his own conclusions. - -The Editor does not anticipate any disapprobation from thus giving -publicity to a small portion of the REJECTED ADDRESSES; for, unless he -is widely mistaken in assigning the respective authors, the fame of each -individual is established on much too firm a basis to be shaken by so -trifling and evanescent a publication as the present: - - neque ego illi detrahere ausim - Haerentem capiti multa cum laude coronam. - -Of the numerous pieces already sent to the Committee for performance, -he has only availed himself of three vocal Travesties, which he has -selected, not for their merit, but simply for their brevity. Above -one hundred spectacles, melodramas, operas, and pantomimes have been -transmitted, besides the two first acts of one legitimate comedy. Some -of these evince considerable smartness of manual dialogue, and several -brilliant repartees of chairs, tables, and other inanimate wits; but the -authors seem to have forgotten that in the new Drury Lane the audience -can hear as well as see. Of late our theatres have been so constructed -that John Bull has been compelled to have very long ears, or none at -all; to keep them dangling about his skull like discarded servants, -while his eyes were gazing at piebalds and elephants, or else to stretch -them out to an asinine length to catch the congenial sound of braying -trumpets. An auricular revolution is, we trust, about to take place; and, -as many people have been much puzzled to define the meaning of the new -era, of which we have heard so much, we venture to pronounce, that as -far as regards Drury Lane Theatre, the new era means the reign of ears. -If the past affords any pledge for the future, we may confidently expect -from the Committee of that House, everything that can be accomplished by -the union of taste and assiduity. - - - - -LOYAL EFFUSION. - -BY W. T. F. - - Quiequid dicunt, laudo: id rursum si negant - Laudo id quoque.--TERENCE. - - - Hail, glorious edifice, stupendous work! - God bless the Regent and the Duke of York! - Ye Muses! by whose aid I cried down Fox, - Grant me in Drury Lane a private box, - Where I may loll, cry bravo, and profess - The boundless powers of England's glorious press; - While Afric's sons exclaim, from shore to shore, - "Quashee ma boo!" the slave-trade is no more. - In fair Arabia (happy once, now stony, - Since ruined by that arch apostate, Boney), - A phoenix late was caught: the Arab host - Long ponder'd, part would boil it, part would roast: - But while they ponder, up the pot-lid flies, - Fledged, beak'd, and claw'd, alive, they see him rise - To heaven, and caw defiance in the skies. - So Drury, first in roasting flames consumed, - Then by old renters to hot water doom'd, - By Wyatt's trowel patted, plump and sleek, - Soars without wings, and caws without a beak. - Gallia's stern despot shall in vain advance - From Paris, the metropolis of France; - By this day month the monster shall not gain - A foot of land in Portugal or Spain. - See Wellington in Salamanca's field - Forces his favourite general to yield, - Breaks thro' his lines, and leaves his boasted Marmont - Expiring on the plain without his arm on: - Madrid he enters at the cannon's mouth, - And then the villages still further south. - Base Buonaparte, fill'd with deadly ire, - Sets, one by one, our playhouses on fire; - Some years ago he pounced with deadly glee on - The Opera House, then burnt down the Pantheon; - Nay, still unsated, in a coat of flames, - Next at Millbank he crossed the river Thames: - Thy hatch, O halfpenny! pass'd in a trice, - Boil'd some black pitch, and burnt down Astley's twice; - Then buzzing on thro' ether with a vile hum, - Turn'd to the left hand, fronting the asylum, - And burnt the Royal Circus in a hurry,-- - ('Twas call'd the Circus then, but now the Surrey). - Who burnt (confound his soul!) the houses twain - Of Covent Garden and of Drury Lane? - Who, while the British squadron lay off Cork - (God bless the Regent and the Duke of York), - With a foul earthquake ravaged the Caraccas, - And raised the price of dry goods and tobaccos? - Who makes the quartern loaf and Luddites rise? - Who fills the butchers' shops with large blue flies? - Who thought in flames St. James's Court to pinch? - Who burnt the wardrobe of poor Lady Finch? - Why he, who, forging for this isle a yoke, - Reminds me of a line I lately spoke, - "The tree of freedom is the British oak." - Bless every man possessed of aught to give; - Long may Long Tilney Wellesley Long Pole live; - God bless the army, bless their coats of scarlet, - God bless the navy, bless the Princess Charlotte, - God bless the guards, though worsted Gallia scoff, - And bless their pigtails, tho' they're now cut off; - And oh, in Downing Street should Old Nick revel, - England's prime minister, then bless the Devil! - - - - -THE BABY'S DEBUT. - -BY W. W. - - Thy lisping prattle and thy mincing gait, - All thy false mimic fooleries I hate, - For thou art Folly's counterfeit, and she - Who is right foolish hath the better plea; - Nature's true Idiot I prefer to thee.--CUMBERLAND. - - [_Spoken in the character of_ NANCY LAKE, _a girl eight years of - age, who is drawn upon the stage in a child's chaise, by_ SAMUEL - HUGHES, _her uncle's porter_.] - - - My brother Jack was nine in May, - And I was eight on New-year's-day; - So in Kate Wilson's shop - Papa (he's my papa and Jack's) - Bought me, last week, a doll of wax, - And brother Jack a top. - - Jack's in the pouts, and this it is, - He thinks mine came to more than his, - So to my drawer he goes, - Takes out the doll, and, oh, my stars! - He pokes her head between the bars, - And melts off half her nose! - - Quite cross, a bit of string I beg, - And tie it to his peg-top's peg, - And bang, with might and main, - Its head against the parlour door: - Off flies the head, and hits the floor, - And breaks a window-pane. - - This made him cry with rage and spite: - Well, let him cry, it serves him right. - A pretty thing, forsooth! - If he's to melt, all scalding hot, - Half my doll's nose, and I am not - To draw his peg-top's tooth! - - Aunt Hannah heard the window break, - And cried, "O naughty Nancy Lake, - Thus to distress your aunt: - No Drury Lane for you to-day!" - And while papa said, "Pooh, she may!" - Mamma said, "No, she shan't!" - - Well, after many a sad reproach, - They got into a hackney coach, - And trotted down the street. - I saw them go: one horse was blind, - The tails of both hung down behind, - Their shoes were on their feet. - - The chaise in which poor brother Bill - Used to be drawn to Pentonville, - Stood in the lumber-room: - I wiped the dust from off the top, - While Molly mopp'd it with a mop, - And brush'd it with a broom. - - My uncle's porter, Samuel Hughes, - Came in at six to black the shoes - (I always talk to Sam): - So what does he, but takes, and drags - Me in the chaise along the flags, - And leaves me where I am. - - My father's walls are made of brick, - But not so tall, and not so thick, - As these; and, goodness me! - My father's beams are made of wood, - But never, never half so good, - As these that now I see. - - What a large floor! 'tis like a town! - The carpet, when they lay it down, - Won't hide it, I'll be bound. - And there's a row of lamps! my eye! - How they do blaze! I wonder why - They keep them on the ground. - - At first I caught hold of the wing, - And kept away; but Mr. Thing- - umbob, the prompter man, - Gave with his hand my chaise a shove, - And said, "Go on, my pretty love, - Speak to 'em, little Nan. - - "You've only got to curtsey, whisp- - er, hold your chin up, laugh and lisp, - And then you're sure to take: - I've known the day when brats not quite - Thirteen got fifty pounds a night; - Then why not Nancy Lake?" - - But while I'm speaking, where's papa? - And where's my aunt? and where's mamma? - Where's Jack? Oh, there they sit! - They smile, they nod, I'll go my ways, - And order round poor Billy's chaise, - To join them in the pit. - - And now, good gentlefolks, I go - To join mamma, and see the show; - So, bidding you adieu, - I curtsey, like a pretty miss, - And if you'll blow to me a kiss, - I'll blow a kiss to you. - [_Blows kiss, and exit._ - - - - -AN ADDRESS WITHOUT A PHOENIX. - -BY S. T. P. - - This was look'd for at your hand, and this was baulk'd.-- - WHAT YOU WILL. - - - What stately vision mocks my waking sense? - Hence, dear delusion, sweet enchantment, hence! - Ha! is it real?--can my doubts be vain? - It is, it is, and Drury lives again! - Around each grateful veteran attends, - Eager to rush and gratulate his friends, - Friends whose kind looks, retraced with proud delight, - Endear the past, and make the future bright. - Yes, generous patrons, your returning smile - Blesses our toils, and consecrates our pile. - - When last we met, Fate's unrelenting hand - Already grasp'd the devastating brand; - Slow crept the silent flame, ensnared its prize, - Then burst resistless to the astonish'd skies. - The glowing walls, disrobed of scenic pride, - In trembling conflict stemm'd the burning tide, - Till crackling, blazing, rocking to its fall, - Down rush'd the thundering roof, and buried all! - - Where late the sister Muses sweetly sung, - And raptur'd thousands on their music hung, - Where Wit and Wisdom shone by Beauty graced, - Sate lonely Silence, empress of the waste; - And still had reign'd--but he whose voice can raise - More magic wonders than Amphion's lays, - Bade jarring bands with friendly zeal engage, - To rear the prostrate glories of the stage. - Up leap'd the Muses at the potent spell, - And Drury's genius saw his temple swell, - Worthy, we hope, the British Drama's cause, - Worthy of British arts, and your applause. - - Guided by you, our earnest aims presume - To renovate the Drama with the dome; - The scenes of Shakespeare and our bards of old, - With due observance splendidly unfold, - Yet raise and foster with parental hand - The living talent of our native land. - O! may we still, to sense and nature true, - Delight the many, nor offend the few. - Tho' varying tastes our changeful drama claim, - Still be its moral tendency the same, - To win by precept, by example warn, - To brand the front of vice with pointed scorn, - And Virtue's smiling brows with votive wreaths adorn. - - - - -CUI BONO? - -BY LORD B. - - -I. - - Sated with home, of wife, of children tired, - The restless soul is driven abroad to roam; - Sated abroad, all seen, yet nought admired, - The restless soul is driven to ramble home; - Sated with both, beneath new Drury's dome - The fiend Ennui awhile consents to pine, - There growls, and curses, like a deadly gnome, - Scorning to view fantastic columbine, - Viewing with scorn and hate the nonsense of the Nine. - - -II. - - Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend your way, - To gaze on puppets in a painted dome, - Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray, - Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom, - What seek ye here? Joy's evanescent bloom? - Woe's me! the brightest wreaths she ever gave - Are but as flowers that decorate a tomb. - Man's heart the mournful urn o'er which they wave, - Is sacred to despair, its pedestal the grave. - - -III. - - Has life so little store of real woes, - That here ye wend to taste fictitious grief? - Or is it that from truth such anguish flows, - Ye court the lying drama for relief? - Long shall ye find the pang, the respite brief, - Or if one tolerable page appears - In folly's volume, 'tis the actor's leaf, - Who dries his own by drawing others' tears, - And, raising present mirth, makes glad his future years. - - -IV. - - Albeit how like young Betty doth he flee! - Light as the mote that danceth in the beam, - He liveth only in man's present e'e, - His life a flash, his memory a dream, - Oblivious down he drops in Lethe's stream; - Yet what are they, the learned and the great? - Awhile of longer wonderment the theme! - Who shall presume to prophesy their date, - Where nought is certain, save the uncertainty of fate? - - -V. - - This goodly pile, upheav'd by Wyatt's toil, - Perchance than Holland's edifice more fleet, - Again red Lemnos' artisan may spoil; - The fire alarm, and midnight drum may beat, - And all be strew'd ysmoking at your feet. - Start ye? Perchance Death's angel may be sent - Ere from the flaming temple ye retreat, - And ye who met on revel idlesse bent - May find in pleasure's fane your grave and monument, - - -VI. - - Your debts mount high--ye plunge in deeper waste, - The tradesman calls--no warning voice ye hear; - The plaintiff sues--to public shows ye haste; - The bailiff threats--ye feel no idle fear. - Who can arrest your prodigal career? - Who can keep down the levity of youth? - What sound can startle age's stubborn ear? - Who can redeem from wretchedness and ruth - Men true to falshood's voice, false to the voice of truth? - - -VII. - - To thee, blest saint! who doff'd thy skin to make - The Smithfield rabble leap from theirs with joy, - We dedicate the pile--arise! awake!-- - Knock down the Muses, wit and sense destroy, - Clear our new stage from reason's dull alloy, - Charm hobbling age, and tickle capering youth - With cleaver, marrow-bone, and Tunbridge toy; - While, vibrating in unbelieving tooth, - Harps twang in Drury's walls, and make her boards a booth. - - -VIII. - - For what is Hamlet, but a hare in March? - And what is Brutus, but a croaking owl? - And what is Rolla? Cupid steep'd in starch, - Orlando's helmet in Augustine's cowl. - Shakespeare, how true thine adage, "fair is foul;" - To him whose soul is with fruition fraught - The song of Braham is an Irish howl, - Thinking is but an idle waste of thought, - And nought is everything, and everything is nought. - - -IX. - - Sons of Parnassus? whom I view above, - Not laurel-crown'd but clad in rusty black, - Not spurring Pegasus through Tempe's grove, - But pacing Grub Street on a jaded hack, - What reams of foolscap, while your brains ye rack, - Ye mar to make again! for sure, ere long, - Condemn'd to tread the bard's time-sanctioned track, - Ye all shall join the bailiff-haunted throng, - And reproduce in rags the rags ye blot in song. - - -X. - - So fares the follower in the Muses' train, - He toils to starve, and only lives in death; - We slight him till our patronage is vain, - Then round his skeleton a garland wreathe, - And o'er his bones an empty requiem breathe-- - Oh! with what tragic horror would he start - (Could he be conjured from the grave beneath), - To find the stage again a Thespian cart, - And elephants and colts down trampling Shakespeare's art. - - -XI. - - Hence, pedant Nature! with thy Grecian rules! - Centaurs (not fabulous) those rules efface; - Back, sister Muses, to your native schools; - Here booted grooms usurp Apollo's place, - Hoofs shame the boards that Garrick used to grace, - The play of limbs succeeds the play of wit; - Man yields the drama to the Houynim race, - His prompter spurs, his licencer the bit, - The stage a stable-yard, a jockey-club the pit. - - -XII. - - Is it for these ye rear this proud abode? - Is it for these your superstition seeks - To build a temple worthy of a god, - To laud a monkey, or to worship leeks? - Then be the stage, to recompense your freaks, - A motley chaos, jumbling age and ranks, - Where Punch, the lignum vitae Roscius, squeaks, - And Wisdom weeps, and Folly plays his pranks, - And moody Madness laughs, and hugs the chain he clanks. - - - - -_To the Secretary of the Managing Committee of Drury Lane Playhouse._ - - -SIR, - -To the gewgaw fetters of rhyme (invented by the monks to enslave the -people) I have a rooted objection. I have therefore written an address -for your theatre in plain, homespun, yeoman's prose; in the doing -whereof I hope I am swayed by nothing but an independent wish to open -the eyes of this gulled people, to prevent a repetition of the dramatic -bamboozling they have hitherto laboured under. If you like what I have -done, and mean to make use of it, I don't want any such aristocratic -reward as a piece of plate with two griffins sprawling upon it, or a dog -and a jackass fighting for a ha'p'worth of gilt gingerbread, or any such -Bartholomew Fair nonsense. All I ask is, that the door-keepers of your -playhouse may take all the sets of my Register, now on hand, and force -everybody who enters your door to buy one, giving afterwards a debtor and -creditor account of what they have received, post-paid, and in due course -remitting me the money and unsold Registers, carriage-paid. - - I am, &c., - W. C. - - - - -IN THE CHARACTER OF A HAMPSHIRE FARMER. - - Rabida qui concitus ira - Implevit pariter ternis latratibus auras - Et sparsit virides spumis albentibus agros.--OVID. - - -MOST THINKING PEOPLE, - -When persons address an audience from the stage, it is usual, either in -words or gesture, to say, "Ladies and Gentlemen, your servant." If I -were base enough, mean enough, paltry enough, and brute beast enough, -to follow that fashion, I should tell two lies in a breath. In the -first place, you are not ladies and gentlemen, but I hope something -better--that is to say, honest men and women; and in the next place, -if you were ever so much ladies, and ever so much gentlemen, I am not, -nor ever will be, your humble servant. You see me here, most thinking -people, by mere chance. I have not been within the doors of a playhouse -before for these ten years, nor till that abominable custom of taking -money at the doors is discontinued, will I ever sanction a theatre with -my presence. The stage-door is the only gate of freedom in the whole -edifice, and through that I made my way from Bagshaw's in Brydges Street, -to accost you. Look about you. Are you not all comfortable? Nay, never -slink, mun; speak out, if you are dissatisfied, and tell me so before -I leave town. You are now (thanks to Mr. Whitbread) got into a large, -comfortable house. Not into a gimcrack palace; not into a Solomon's -temple; not into a frost-work of Brobdingnag filagree; but into a plain, -honest, homely, industrious, wholesome, brown, brick playhouse. You have -been struggling for independence and elbow-room these three years; and -who gave it you? Who helped you out of Lilliput? Who routed you from a -rat-hole, five inches by four, to perch you in a palace? Again and again -I answer, Mr. Whitbread. You might have sweltered in that place with the -Greek name till Doomsday, and neither Lord Castlereagh, Mr. Canning, -no, nor the Marquis Wellesley, would have turned a trowel to help you -out! Remember that. Never forget that. Read it to your children, and to -your children's children! And now, most thinking people, cast your eyes -over my head to what the builder (I beg his pardon, the architect) calls -the proscenium. No motto, no slang, no Popish Latin to keep the people -in the dark. No _Veluti in speculum_. Nothing in the dead languages, -properly so called, for they ought to die, ay, and be damned to boot! -The Covent Garden manager tried that, and a pretty business he made of -it! When a man says _Veluti in speculum_, he is called a man of letters. -Very well, and is not a man who cries O.P. a man of letters too? You -ran your O.P. against his _Veluti in speculum_, and pray which beat? I -prophesied that, though I never told anybody. I take it for granted, -that every intelligent man, woman, and child, to whom I address myself, -has stood severally and respectively in Little Russell Street, and cast -their, his, her, and its eyes on the outside of this building before they -paid their money to view the inside. Look at the brick-work, English -audience! Look at the brick-work! All plain and smooth like a quaker's -meeting. None of your Egyptian pyramids, to entomb subscribers' capitals. -No overgrown colonnades of stone, like an alderman's gouty legs in white -cotton stockings, fit only to use as rammers for paving Tottenham Court -Road. This house is neither after the model of a temple in Athens, no, -nor a temple in Moorfields, but it is built to act English plays in, and -provided you have good scenery, dresses, and decorations, I dare say you -wouldn't break your hearts if the outside were as plain as the pikestaff -I used to carry when I was a sergeant. _Apropos_, as the French valets -say, who cut their masters' throats--_apropos_, a word about dresses. You -must, many of you, have seen what I have read a description of--Kemble -and Mrs. Siddons in "Macbeth," with more gold and silver plastered on -their doublets than would have kept an honest family in butchers' meat -and flannel from year's end to year's end! I am informed (now mind, I -do not vouch for the fact), but I am informed that all such extravagant -idleness is to be done away with here. Lady Macbeth is to have a plain -quilted petticoat, a cotton gown, and a mob cap (as the court parasites -call it; it will be well for them if, one of these days, they don't -wear a mob cap--I mean a white cap, with a mob to look at them), and -Macbeth is to appear in an honest yeoman's drab coat, and a pair of black -calamanco breeches. Not _Sal_amanca; no, nor Talavera neither, my most -noble Marquis, but plain, honest, black calamanco, stuff breeches. This -is right; this is as it should be. Most thinking people, I have heard -you much abused. There is not a compound in the language but is strung -fifty in a rope, like onions, by the _Morning Post_, and hurled in your -teeth. You are called the mob, and when they have made you out to be the -mob, you are called the scum of the people, and the dregs of the people. -I should like to know how you can be both. Take a basin of broth--not -cheap soup, Mr. Wilberforce, not soup for the poor at a penny a quart, as -your mixture of horses' legs, brick-dust, and old shoes was denominated, -but plain, wholesome, patriotic beef or mutton broth; take this, examine -it, and you will find--mind, I don't vouch for the fact, but I am told -you will find the dregs at the bottom, and the scum at the top. I will -endeavour to explain this to you: England is a large earthenware pipkin. -John Bull is the beef thrown into it. Taxes are the hot water he boils -in. Rotten boroughs are the fuel that blazes under this same pipkin. -Parliament is the ladle that stirs the hodge-podge, and sometimes--but -hold, I don't wish to pay Mr. Newman a second visit. I leave you better -off than you have been this many a day. You have a good house over your -head; you have beat the French in Spain; the harvest has turned out -well; the comet keeps its distance; and red slippers are hawked about in -Constantinople for next to nothing, and for all this, again and again I -tell you, you are indebted to Mr. Whitbread! - - - - -THE LIVING LUSTRES. - -BY T. M. - - Jam te juvaverit - Viros relinquere, - Doctaeque conjugis - Sinu quiescere.--SIR T. MORE. - - -I. - - O why should our dull retrospective Addresses - Fall damp as wet blankets on Drury Lane fire? - Away with blue devils, away with distresses, - And give the gay spirit to sparkling desire! - - -II. - - Let artists decide on the beauties of Drury, - The richest to me is when woman is there: - The question of houses I leave to the jury; - The fairest to me is the house of the fair. - - -III. - - When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, - And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, - What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders, - With Nature so bounteous, why call upon Art? - - -IV. - - How well would our actors attend to their duties, - Our house save in oil, and our authors in wit, - In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young beauties - Glanced light from their eyes between us and the pit. - - -V. - - The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge - By woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, - To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College; - I mean the love-apples that bloom in the eyes. - - -VI. - - There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, - Still governs the slaves that are made by the fair, - For man is the pupil, who, while her eye's rolling, - Is lifted to rapture or sunk in despair. - - -VII. - - Bloom, Theatre, bloom, in the roseate blushes - Of beauty illumed by a love-breathing smile; - And flourish, ye pillars, as green as the rushes - That pillow the nymphs of the Emerald Isle. - - -VIII. - - For dear is the Emerald Isle of the Ocean, - Whose daughters are fair as the foam of the wave, - Whose sons, unaccustomed to rebel commotion, - Tho' joyous are sober, tho' peaceful are brave. - - -IX. - - The shamrock their olive, sworn foe to a quarrel, - Protects from the thunder and lightning of rows; - Their sprig of shillelagh is nothing but laurel, - Which flourishes rapidly over their brows. - - -X. - - Oh! soon shall they burst the tyrannical shackles, - Which each panting bosom indignantly names, - Until not one goose at the capital cackles, - Against the grand question of Catholic claims. - - -XI. - - And then shall each Paddy, who once on the Liffy - Perchance held the helm of some mack'rel hoy, - Hold the helm of the state, and dispense in a jiffy - More fishes than ever he caught when a boy. - - -XII. - - And those who now quit their hods, shovels, and barrows, - In crowds to the bar of some ale-house to flock, - When bred to _our_ bar shall be Gibbs's and Garrows, - Assume the silk gown and discard the smock-frock. - - -XIII. - - For Erin surpasses the daughters of Neptune, - As Dian outshines each encircling star, - And the spheres of the Heavens could never have kept tune - Till set to the music of Erin-go-bra! - - - - -THE REBUILDING. - -BY R. S. - - --per audaces nova dithyrambos - Verba devolvit, numerisque fertur - Lege solutis.--HORAT. - - -_Spoken by a_ GLENDOVEER. - - I am a blessed Glendoveer; - 'Tis mine to speak, and yours to hear. - - MIDNIGHT, yet not a nose - From Tower Hill to Piccadilly snored! - Midnight, yet not a nose - From Indra drew the essence of repose! - See with what crimson fury, - By Indra fann'd, the god of fire ascends the walls of Drury; - The tops of houses, blue with lead, - Bend beneath the landlord's tread. - - Master and 'prentice, serving man and lord, - Nailer and tailor, - Grazier and brazier, - Thro' streets and alleys pour'd, - All, all abroad to gaze, - And wonder at the blaze. - Thick calf, fat foot, and slim knee, - Mounted on roof and chimney, - The mighty roast, the mighty stew - To see; - As if the dismal view - Were but to them a Brentford jubilee. - - Vainly, all radiant Surya, sire of Phaeton, - (By the Greeks called Apollo) - Hollow - Sounds from thy harp proceed; - Combustible as reed, - The tongue of Vulcan licks thy wooden legs: - From Drury's top, dissever'd from thy pegs, - Thou tumblest, - Humblest, - Where late thy bright effulgence shone on high: - While, by thy somerset excited, fly - Ten million, - Billion - Sparks from the pit, to gem the sable sky. - Now come the men of fire to quench the fires, - To Russell Street see Globe and Atlas run, - Hope gallops first, and second Sun; - On flying heel, - See Hand-in-Hand - O'ertake the band; - View with what glowing wheel - He nicks - Phoenix; - While Albion scampers from Bridge Street, Blackfriars, - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - They shout and they bellow again and again. - All, all in vain! - Water turns steam; - Each blazing beam - Hisses defiance to the eddying spout, - It seems but too plain that nothing can put it out! - Drury Lane! Drury Lane! - See, Drury Lane expires! - - Pent in by smoke-dried beams, twelve moons or more, - Shorn of his ray, - Surya in durance lay: - The workmen heard him shout, - But thought it would not pay - To dig him out. - When lo! terrific Yamen, lord of hell, - Solemn as lead, - Judge of the dead, - Sworn foe to witticism, - By men called criticism, - Came passing by that way: - "Rise!" cried the fiend, "behold a sight of gladness! - Behold the rival theatre, - I've set O.P. at her, - Who, like a bull-dog bold, - Growls and fastens on his hold; - The many-headed rabble roar in madness: - Thy rival staggers; come and spy her - Deep in the mud as thou art in the mire." - - So saying, in his arms he caught the beaming one, - And crossing Russell Street, - He placed him on his feet, - 'Neath Covent Garden dome. Sudden a sound - As of the bricklayers of Babel rose: - Horns, rattles, drums, tin trumpets, sheets of copper, - Punches and slaps, thwacks of all sorts and sizes, - From the knobb'd bludgeon to the taper switch, - Ran echoing round the walls; paper placards - Blotted the lamps, boots brown with mud the benches: - A sea of heads roll'd roaring in the pit; - On paper wings O.P.'s - Reclin'd in lettered ease; - While shout and scoff, - "Ya! ya! off! off!" - Like thunderbolt on Surya's ear-drum fell, - And seem'd to paint - The savage oddities of Saint - Bartholomew in hell. - - Tears dimm'd the god of light; - "Bear me back, Yamen, from this hideous sight, - Bear me back, Yamen, I grow sick, - Oh! bury me again in brick; - Shall I on New Drury tremble, - To be O.P.'d like Kemble? - No, - Better remain by rubbish guarded, - Than thus hubbubish groan placarded; - Bear me back, Yamen, bear me quick, - And bury me again in brick." - Obedient Yamen - Answer'd, Amen, - And did - As he was bid. - - There lay the buried god, and Time - Seem'd to decree eternity of lime; - But pity, like a dewdrop, gently prest - Almighty Veeshnoo's adamantine breast: - He, the preserver, ardent still - To do whate'er he says he will, - From South-hill urg'd his way, - To raise the drooping lord of day. - All earthly spells the busy one o'erpower'd; - He treats with men of all conditions, - Poets and players, tradesmen, and musicians; - Nay, even ventures - To attack the renters, - Old and new: - A list he gets - Of claims and debts, - And deems nought done while aught remains to do - Yamen beheld and wither'd at the sight; - Long had he aim'd the sunbeam to control, - For light was hateful to his soul: - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spite, - "Go on," cried the hellish one, yellow with spleen, - "Thy toils of the morning, like Ithaca's queen, - I'll toil to undo every night." - - Ye sons of song, rejoice! - Veeshnoo has still'd the jarring elements, - The spheres hymn music; - Again the god of day - Peeps forth with trembling ray, - And pours at intervals a strain divine. - "I have an iron yet in the fire," cried Yamen; - "The vollied flame rides in my breath, - My blast is elemental death; - This hand shall tear their paper bonds to pieces; - Ingross your deeds, assignments, leases, - My breath shall every line erase, - Soon as I blow the blaze." - - The lawyers are met at the Crown and Anchor, - And Yamen's visage grows blanker and blanker, - The lawyers are met at the Anchor and Crown, - And Yamen's cheek is a russety brown, - Veshnoo, now thy work proceeds; - The solicitor reads, - And, merit of merit! - Red wax and green ferret, - Are fix'd at the foot of the deeds! - - Yamen beheld and shiver'd; - His finger and thumb were cramp'd; - His ear by the flea in't was bitten, - When he saw by the lawyer's clerk written, - "Sealed and delivered," - Being first duly stamped. - - "Now for my turn," the demon cries, and blows - A blast of sulphur from his mouth and nose; - Ah! bootless aim! the critic fiend, - Sagacious Yamen, judge of hell, - Is judged in his turn; - Parchment won't burn! - His schemes of vengeance are dissolv'd in air, - Parchment won't tear! - - Is it not written in the Himakoot book - (That mighty Baly from Kehama took), - "Who blows on pounce - Must the Swerga renounce?" - It is! it is! Yamen, thine hour is nigh; - Like as an eagle claws an asp, - Veeshnoo has caught him in his mighty grasp, - And hurl'd him in spite of his shrieks and his squalls, - Whizzing aloft like the Temple fountain, - Three times as high as Meru mountain, - Which is - Ninety-nine times as high as St. Paul's. - Descending, he twisted like Levy the Jew, - Who a durable grave meant - To dig in the pavement - Of Monument Yard; - To earth by the laws of attraction he flew, - And he fell, and he fell, - To the regions of hell; - Nine centuries bounced he from cavern to rock, - And his head, as he tumbled, went nickety-nock, - Like a pebble in Carisbrooke well. - - Now Veeshnoo turn'd round to a capering varlet, - Array'd in blue and white and scarlet, - And cried, "Oh! brown of slipper as of hat! - Lend me, harlequin, thy bat!" - He seiz'd the wooden sword, and smote the earth, - When lo! upstarting into birth, - A fabric, gorgeous to behold, - Outshone in elegance the old, - And Veeshnoo saw, and cried, "Hail, playhouse mine!" - Then, bending his head, to Surya he said, - "Go, mount yon edifice, - And show thy steady face - In renovated pride, - More bright, more glorious than before!" - But ah! coy Surya still felt a twinge, - Still smarted from his former singe, - And to Veeshnoo replied, - In a tone rather gruff, - "No, thank you! one tumble's enough!" - - - - -DRURY'S DIRGE. - -BY LAURA MATILDA. - - You praise our sires: but though they wrote with force, - Their rhymes were vicious, and their diction coarse: - We want their strength, agreed; but we atone - For that and more, by sweetness all our own.--GIFFORD. - - -I. - - Balmy Zephyrs lightly flitting, - Shade me with your azure wing; - On Parnassus' summit sitting, - Aid me, Clio, while I sing. - - -II. - - Softly slept the dome of Drury, - O'er the empyreal crest, - When Alecto's sister-fury, - Softly slumb'ring sunk to rest. - - -III. - - Lo! from Lemnos limping lamely, - Lags the lowly Lord of Fire, - Cytherea yielding tamely, - To the Cyclops dark and dire. - - -IV. - - Clouds of amber, dreams of gladness, - Dulcet joys and sports of youth, - Soon must yield to haughty sadness, - Mercy holds the veil to Truth. - - -V. - - See Erostratus the second, - Fires again Diana's fane; - By the Fates from Orcus beckon'd, - Clouds envelop Drury Lane. - - -VI. - - Lurid smoke and frank suspicion, - Hand in hand reluctant dance; - While the god fulfils his mission, - Chivalry, resign thy lance. - - -VII. - - Hark! the engines blandly thunder, - Fleecy clouds dishevell'd lie, - And the firemen, mute with wonder, - On the son of Saturn cry. - - -VIII. - - See the bird of Ammon sailing, - Perches on the engine's peak, - And the Eagle firemen hailing, - Soothes them with its bickering beak. - - -IX. - - Juno saw, and mad with malice, - Lost the prize that Paris gave. - Jealousy's ensanguin'd chalice, - Mantling pours the orient wave. - - -X. - - Pan beheld Patroclus dying, - Nox to Niobe was turn'd; - From Busiris Bacchus flying, - Saw his Semele inurn'd. - - -XI. - - Thus fell Drury's lofty glory, - Levell'd with the shuddering stones, - Mars with tresses black and gory, - Drinks the dew of pearly groans. - - -XII. - - Hark! what soft Eolian numbers, - Gem the blushes of the morn; - Break, Amphion, break your slumbers, - Nature's ringlets deck the thorn. - - -XIII. - - Ha! I hear the strain erratic, - Dimly glance from pole to pole, - Raptures sweet and dreams ecstatic - Fire my everlasting soul. - - -XIV. - - Where is Cupid's crimson motion? - Billowy ecstasy of woe, - Bear me straight, meandering ocean, - Where the stagnant torrents flow. - - -XV. - - Blood in every vein is gushing, - Vixen vengeance lulls my heart, - See, the Gorgon gang is rushing! - Never, never let us part. - - - - -A TALE OF DRURY LANE. - -BY W. S. - - Thus he went on, stringing one extravagance upon another, in the - style his books of chivalry had taught him, and imitating as near - as he could their very phrase.--DON QUIXOTE. - - -_To be spoken by_ MR. KEMBLE _in a Suit of the Black Prince's Armour, -borrowed from the Tower_. - - Survey this shield all bossy bright; - These cuisses twain behold; - Look on my form in armour dight - Of steel inlaid with gold. - My knees are stiff in iron buckles, - Stiff spikes of steel protect my knuckles. - These once belong'd to sable prince, - Who never did in battle wince; - With valour tart as pungent quince, - He slew the vaunting Gaul: - Rest there awhile, my bearded lance, - While from green curtain I advance - To yon footlights, no trivial dance, - And tell the town what sad mischance - Did Drury Lane befall. - - -The Night. - - On fair Augusta's towers and trees - Flitted the silent midnight breeze, - Curling the foliage as it past, - Which from the moon-tipp'd plumage cast - A spangled light like dancing spray. - Then reassumed its still array: - Whenas night's lamp unclouded hung, - And down its full effulgence flung, - It shed such soft and balmy power, - That cot and castle, hall and bower, - And spire and dome, and turret height, - Appear'd to slumber in the light. - From Henry's chapel, Rufus' hall, - To Savoy, Temple, and St. Paul, - From Knightsbridge, Pancras, Camden Town, - To Redriff, Shadwell, Horsleydown, - No voice was heard, no eye unclosed, - But all in deepest sleep reposed. - They might have thought, who gazed around - Amid a silence so profound, - It made the senses thrill, - That 'twas no place inhabited, - But some vast city of the dead, - was so hush'd and still. - - -The Burning. - - As Chaos which, by heavenly doom, - Had slept in everlasting gloom, - Started with terror and surprise, - When light first flash'd upon her eyes; - So London's sons in night-cap woke, - In bed-gown woke her dames, - For shouts were heard 'mid fire and smoke, - And twice ten hundred voices spoke, - "The Playhouse is in flames." - And lo! where Catherine Street extends, - A fiery tale its lustre lends - To every window-pane; - Blushes each spout in Martlet Court, - And Barbican, moth-eaten fort, - And Govent Garden kennels sport, - A bright ensanguin'd drain; - Meux's new brewhouse shows the light, - Rowland Hill's chapel, and the height - Where patent shot they sell: - The Tennis Court, so fair and tall, - Partakes the ray, with Surgeons' Hall, - The ticket porter's house of call, - Old Bedlam, close by London Wall, - Wright's shrimp and oyster shop withal, - And Richardson's Hotel. - - Nor these alone, but far and wide - Across the Thames's gleaming tide, - To distant fields the blaze was borne, - And daisy white and hoary thorn - In borrow'd lustre seem'd to sham - The rose or red sweet Wil-li-am. - To those who on the hills around - Beheld the flames from Drury's mound, - As from a lofty altar rise; - It seem'd that nations did conspire, - To offer to the god of fire - Some vast stupendous sacrifice! - The summon'd firemen woke at call, - And hied them to their stations all. - Starting from short and broken snooze, - Each sought his pond'rous hobnail'd shoes, - But first his worsted hosen plied, - Plush breeches next in crimson dyed, - His nether bulk embraced; - Then jacket thick of red or blue, - Whose massy shoulder gave to view - The badge of each respective crew, - In tin or copper traced. - The engines thunder'd thro' the street, - Fire-hook, pipe, bucket, all complete, - And torches glared, and clattering feet - Along the pavement paced. - - And one, the leader of the band, - From Charing Cross along the Strand, - Like stag by beagles hunted hard, - Ran till he stopp'd at Vin'gar Yard. - The burning badge his shoulder bore, - The belt and oilskin hat he wore, - The cane he had his men to bang, - Show'd foreman of the British gang. - His name was Higginbottom; now - 'Tis meet that I should tell you how - The others came in view: - The Hand-in-Hand the race begun, - Then came the Phoenix and the Sun, - Th' Exchange, where old insurers run, - The Eagle, where the new; - With these came Rumford, Bumford, Cole, - Robins from Hockley-in-the-Hole, - Lawson and Dawson, cheek by jowl, - Crump from St. Giles's Pound: - Whitford and Mitford join'd the train, - Huggins and Muggins from Chick Lane, - And Clutterbuck, who got a sprain - Before the plug was found. - Hobson and Jobson did not sleep, - But ah! no trophy could they reap, - For both were in the Donjon Keep - Of Bridewell's gloomy mound! - - E'en Higginbottom now was posed, - For sadder scene was ne'er disclosed; - Without, within, in hideous show, - Devouring flames resistless glow, - And blazing rafters downward go, - And never halloo "heads below!" - Nor notice give at all: - The firemen, terrified, are slow - To bid the pumping torrent flow, - For fear the roof should fall. - Back, Robins, back! Crump, stand aloof! - Whitford, keep near the walls! - Huggins, regard your own behoof, - For lo! the blazing rocking roof - Down, down in thunder falls! - - An awful pause succeeds the stroke, - And o'er the ruins volumed smoke, - Rolling around its pitchy shroud, - Conceal'd them from th' astonish'd crowd. - At length the mist awhile was clear'd, - When lo! amid the wreck uprear'd, - Gradual a moving head appear'd, - And Eagle firemen knew: - 'Twas Joseph Muggins, name revered, - The foreman of their crew. - Loud shouted all in signs of woe, - "A Muggins to the rescue, ho!" - And pour'd the hissing tide: - Meanwhile the Muggins fought amain, - And strove and struggled all in vain, - For rallying but to fall again. - He totter'd, sunk, and died! - - Did none attempt, before he fell, - To succour one they loved so well? - Yes, Higginbottom did aspire - (His fireman's soul was all on fire) - His brother chief to save; - But ah! his reckless generous ire - Served but to share his grave! - 'Mid blazing beams and scalding streams, - Thro' fire and smoke he dauntless broke, - Where Muggins broke before. - But sulphury stench and boiling drench, - Destroying sight, o'erwhelm'd him quite, - He sunk to rise no more. - Still o'er his head, while fate he braved, - His whizzing water-pipe he waved; - "Whitford and Mitford, ply your pumps, - You, Clutterbuck, come, stir your stumps, - Why are you in such doleful dumps? - A fireman and afraid of bumps! - What are they fear'd on? fools! 'od rot 'em!" - Were the last words of Higginbottom. - - -The Revival. - - Peace to his soul! new prospects bloom, - And toil rebuilds what fires consume! - Eat we and drink we, be our ditty, - "Joy to the managing committee." - Eat we and drink we, join to rum - Roast beef and pudding of the plum; - Forth from thy nook, John Horner, come, - With bread of ginger brown thy thumb, - For this is Drury's gay day: - Roll, roll thy hoop, and twirl thy tops, - And buy, to glad thy smiling chops, - Crisp parliament with lollipops, - And fingers of the lady. - - Didst mark, how toil'd the busy train - From morn to eve, till Drury Lane - Leap'd like a roebuck from the plain? - Ropes rose and sunk, and rose again, - And nimble workmen trod; - To realize bold Wyatt's plan - Rush'd many a howling Irishman, - Loud clatter'd many a porter can, - And many a ragamuffin clan, - With trowel and with hod. - - Drury revives! her rounded pate - Is blue, is heavenly blue with slate; - She "wings the midway air" elate, - As magpie, crow, or chough; - White paint her modish visage smears, - Yellow and pointed are her ears, - No pendant portico appears - Dangling beneath, for Whitbread's shears - Have cut the bauble off. - - Yes, she exalts her stately head, - And, but that solid bulk outspread, - Opposed you on your onward tread, - And posts and pillars warranted - That all was true that Wyatt said, - You might have deem'd her walls so thick, - Were not composed of stone or brick, - But all a phantom, all a trick, - Of brain disturb'd and fancy-sick, - So high she soars, so vast, so quick. - - - - -JOHNSON'S GHOST. - -_Ghost of_ DR. JOHNSON _rises from trap-door P.S. and Ghost of_ BOSWELL, -_from trap-door O.P. The latter bows respectfully to the House, and -obsequiously to the Doctor's Ghost, and retires_. - - -_Doctor's Ghost loquitur._ - -That which was organized by the moral ability of one, has been executed -by the physical efforts of many, and Drury Lane Theatre is now complete. -Of that part behind the curtain, which has not yet been destined to -glow beneath the brush of the varnisher, or vibrate to the hammer of -the carpenter, little is thought by the public, and little need be -said by the committee. Truth, however, is not to be sacrificed for the -accommodation of either, and he who should pronounce that our edifice -has received its final embellishment, would be disseminating falsehood -without incurring favour, and risking the disgrace of detection without -participating the advantage of success. - -Professions lavishly effused and parsimoniously verified are alike -inconsistent with the precepts of innate rectitude and the practice -of external policy: let it not then be conjectured, that because we -are unassuming, we are imbecile; that forbearance is any indication of -despondency, or humility of demerit. He that is the most assured of -success will make the fewest appeals to favour, and where nothing is -claimed that is undue, nothing that is due will be withheld. A swelling -opening is too often succeeded by an insignificant conclusion. Parturient -mountains have ere now produced muscipular abortions, and the auditor -who compares incipient grandeur with final vulgarity, is reminded of the -pious hawkers of Constantinople, who solemnly perambulate her streets, -exclaiming, "In the name of the Prophet--figs!" - -Of many who think themselves wise, and of some who are thought wise -by others, the exertions are directed to the revival of mouldering -and obscure dramas; to endeavours to exalt that which is now rare -only because it was always worthless, and whose deterioration, while -it condemned it to living obscurity, by a strange obliquity of moral -perception constitutes its title to posthumous renown. To embody the -flying colours of folly, to arrest evanescence, to give to bubbles the -globular consistency as well as form, to exhibit on the stage the piebald -denizen of the stable, and the half-reasoning parent of combs, to display -the brisk locomotion of Columbine, or the tortuous attitudinizing of -Punch; these are the occupations of others, whose ambition, limited -to the applause of unintellectual fatuity, is too innocuous for the -application of satire, and too humble for the incitement of jealousy. - -Our refectory will be found to contain every species of fruit, from -the cooling nectarine and luscious peach, to the puny pippin and the -noxious nut. There indolence may repose, and inebriety revel; and the -spruce apprentice, rushing in at second account, may there chatter with -impunity, debarred by a barrier of brick and mortar from marring that -scenic interest in others, which nature and education have disqualified -him from comprehending himself. - -Permanent stage-doors we have none. That which is permanent cannot be -removed, for if removed it soon ceases to be permanent. What stationary -absurdity can vie with that ligneous barricado, which, decorated with -frappant and tintinabulant appendages, now serves, as the entrance of -the lowly cottage, and now as the exit of a lady's bed-chamber; at one -time insinuating plastic Harlequin into a butcher's shop, and at another, -yawning as the flood-gate to precipitate the Cyprians of St. Giles's into -the embraces of Macheath. To elude this glaring absurdity, to give to -each respective mansion the door which the carpenter would doubtless have -given, we vary our portal with the varying scene, passing from deal to -mahogany, and from mahogany to oak, as the opposite claims of cottage, -palace, or castle may appear to require. - -Amid the general hum of gratulation which flatters us in front, it is -fit that some regard should be paid to the murmurs of despondence that -assail us in the rear. They, as I have elsewhere expressed it, "who live -to please," should not have their own pleasures entirely overlooked. -The children of Thespis are general in their censures of the architect -in having placed the locality of exit at such a distance from the oily -irradiators which now dazzle the eyes of him who addresses you. I am, -cries the Queen of Terrors, robbed of my fair proportions. When the -king-killing Thane hints to the breathless auditory the murders he means -to perpetrate in the castle of Macduff "ere his purpose cool," so vast -is the interval he has to travel before he can escape from the stage, -that his purpose has even time to freeze. Your condition, cries the Muse -of Smiles, is hard, but it is cygnet's down in comparison with mine. The -peerless peer of capers and congees has laid it down as a rule, that the -best good thing uttered by the morning visitor should conduct him rapidly -to the doorway, last impressions vieing in durability with first. But -when on this boarded elongation it falls to my lot to say a good thing, -to ejaculate "keep moving," or to chaunt "hic hoc horum genetivo," many -are the moments that must elapse ere I can hide myself from public vision -in the recesses of O.P. or P.S. - -To objections like these, captiously urged and querulously maintained, -it is time that equity should conclusively reply. Deviation from -scenic propriety has only to vituperate itself for the consequences -it generates. Let the actor consider the line of exit as that line -beyond which he should not soar in quest of spurious applause: let him -reflect that in proportion as he advances to the lamps, he recedes from -nature; that the truncheon of Hotspur acquires no additional charm from -encountering the cheek of beauty in the stage-box, and that the bravura -of Mandane may produce effect, although the throat of her who warbles -it should not overhang the orchestra. The Jove of the modern critical -Olympus, Lord Mayor of the theatric sky, has, _ex cathedra_, asserted -that a natural actor looks upon the audience part of the theatre as the -third side of the chamber he inhabits. Surely of the third wall thus -fancifully erected, our actors should by ridicule or reason be withheld -from knocking their heads against the stucco. - -Time forcibly reminds me that all things which have a limit must be -brought to a conclusion. Let me, ere that conclusion arrives, recall -to your recollection that the pillars which rise on either side of -me, blooming in varied antiquity, like two massy evergreens, had yet -slumbered in their native quarry, but for the ardent exertions of the -individual who called them into life: to his never-slumbering talents you -are indebted for whatever pleasure this haunt of the Muses is calculated -to afford. If, in defiance of chaotic malevolence, the destroyer of the -temple of Diana yet survives in the name of Erostratus, surely we may -confidently predict, that the rebuilder of the temple of Apollo will -stand recorded to distant posterity in that of--SAMUEL WHITBREAD. - - - - -THE BEAUTIFUL INCENDIARY. - -BY THE HON. W. S. - - Formosam resonare doces Amaryllida silvas.--VIRGIL. - -_Scene draws, and discovers a Lady asleep on a couch. Enter_ PHILANDER. - - -PHILANDER. - - -I. - - Sobriety, cease to be sober, - Cease, Labour, to dig and to delve, - And hail to this tenth of October, - One thousand eight hundred and twelve. - Hah! whom do my peepers remark? - 'Tis Hebe with Jupiter's jug; - Oh no, 'tis the pride of the Park, - Fair Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -II. - - Why, beautiful nymph, do you close - The curtain that fringes your eye? - Why veil in the clouds of repose - The sun that should brighten our sky? - Perhaps jealous Venus has oil'd - Thy hair with some opiate drug, - Not choosing her charms should be foil'd - By Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -III. - - But ah! why awaken the blaze - The bright burning-glasses contain, - Whose lens with concentrated rays - Proved fatal to old Drury Lane. - 'Twas all accidental they cry,-- - Away with the flimsy humbug! - 'Twas tired by a flash from the eye - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -IV. - - Thy glance can in us raise a flame, - Then why should old Drury be free? - Our doom and its doom are the same, - Both subject to beauty's decree. - No candles the workmen consum'd, - When deep in the ruins they dug, - Thy flash still their progress illum'd, - Sweet Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -V. - - Thy face a rich fireplace displays; - The mantel-piece marble--thy brows; - Thine eyes are the bright beaming blaze, - Thy bib which no trespass allows, - The fender's tall barrier marks; - Thy tippet's the fire-quelling rug, - Which serves to extinguish the sparks - Of Lady Elizabeth Mugg. - - -VI. - - The Countess a lily appears, - Whose tresses the dewdrops emboss; - The Marchioness blooming in years, - A rosebud envelop'd in moss; - But thou art the sweet passion-flower, - For who would not slavery hug, - To pass but one exquisite hour - In the arms of Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VII. - - When at Court, or some dowager's rout, - Her diamond aigrette meets our view, - She looks like a glow-worm dress'd out, - Or tulips bespangled with dew. - Her two lips denied to man's suit, - Are shared with her favourite Pug; - What lord would not change with the brute, - To live with Elizabeth Mugg? - - -VIII. - - Could the stage be a large _vis-a-vis_, - Reserv'd for the polish'd and great, - Where each happy lover might see - The nymph he adores _tete-a-tete_; - No longer I'd gaze on the ground, - And the load of despondency lug, - For I'd book myself all the year round, - To ride with the sweet Lady Mugg. - - -IX. - - Yes, she in herself is a host, - And if she were here all alone, - Our house might nocturnally boast - A bumper of fashion and ton. - Again should it burst in a blaze, - In vain would they ply Congreve's plug, - For nought could extinguish the rays - From the glance of divine Lady Mugg. - - -X. - - O could I as Harlequin frisk, - And thou be my Columbine fair, - My wand should with one magic whisk - Transport us to Hanover Square; - St. George should lend us his shrine, - The parson his shoulders might shrug, - But a licence should force him to join - My hand in the hand of my Mugg. - - -XI. - - Court-plaister the weapons should tip, - By Cupid shot down from above, - Which cut into spots for thy lip, - Should still barb the arrows of love. - The god who from others flies quick, - With us should be slow as a slug, - As close as a leech he should stick - To me and Elizabeth Mugg. - - -XII. - - For Time would, like us, 'stead of sand, - Put filings of steel in his glass, - To dry up the blots of his hand, - And spangle life's page as they pass. - Since all flesh is grass ere 'tis hay, - O may I in clover live snug, - And when old Time mows me away, - Be stack'd with defunct Lady Mugg. - - - - -FIRE AND ALE. - -BY M. G. L. - -Omnia transformat sese in miracula rerum.--VIRGIL. - - - My palate is parch'd with Pierian thirst, - Away to Parnassus I'm beckon'd; - List, warriors and dames, while my lay is rehears'd, - I sing of the singe of Miss Drury the first, - And the birth of Miss Drury the second. - - The Fire King one day rather amorous felt; - He mounted his hot copper filly; - His breeches and boots were of tin, and the belt - Was made of cast iron, for fear it should melt - With the heat of the copper colt's belly. - - Sure never was skin half so scalding as his! - When an infant, 'twas equally horrid, - For the water when he was baptized gave a fizz, - And bubbled and simmer'd and started off, whizz! - As soon as it sprinkled his forehead. - - Oh! then there was glitter and fire in each eye, - For two living coals were the symbols; - His teeth were calcined, and his tongue was so dry, - It rattled against them as though you should try - To play the piano in thimbles. - - From his nostrils a lava sulphureous flows, - Which scorches wherever it lingers, - A snivelling fellow he's call'd by his foes, - For he can't raise his paw up to blow his red nose, - For fear it should blister his fingers. - - His wig is of flames curling over his head, - Well powder'd with white smoking ashes; - He drinks gunpowder tea, melted sugar of lead, - Cream of tartar, and dines on hot spice gingerbread, - Which black from the oven he gnashes. - - Each fire nymph his kiss from her countenance shields, - 'Twould soon set her cheekbone a-frying - He spit in the tenter-ground near Spitalfields, - And the hole that it burnt and the chalk that it yields - Make a capital limekiln for drying. - - When he open'd his mouth out there issued a blast, - (_Nota bene_, I do not mean swearing,) - But the noise that it made and the heat that it cast, - I've heard it from those who have seen it, surpass'd - A shot manufactory flaring. - - He blaz'd and he blaz'd as he gallop'd to snatch - His bride, little dreaming of danger; - His whip was a torch, and his spur was a match, - And over the horse's left eye was a patch, - To keep it from burning the manger. - - And who is the housemaid he means to enthral - In his cinder-producing alliance? - 'Tis Drury Lane Playhouse, so wide, and so tall, - Who, like other combustible ladies, must fall, - If she cannot set sparks at defiance. - - On his warming-pan knee-pan he clattering roll'd, - And the housemaid his hand would have taken, - But his hand, like his passion, was too hot to hold, - And she soon let it go, but her new ring of gold - All melted, like butter or bacon! - - Oh! then she look'd sour, and indeed well she might, - For Vinegar Yard was before her, - But, spite of her shrieks, the ignipotent knight, - Enrobing the maid in a flame of gas-light, - To the skies in a sky-rocket bore her. - - Look! look! 'tis the Ale King, so stately and starch, - Whose votaries scorn to be sober; - He pops from his vat, like a cedar or larch: - Brown stout is his doublet, he hops in his march, - And froths at the mouth in October. - - His spear is a spigot, his shield is a bung; - He taps where the housemaid no more is, - When lo! at his magical bidding, upsprung - A second Miss Drury, tall, tidy, and young, - And sported _in loco sororis_. - - Back, lurid in air, for a second regale, - The Cinder King, hot with desire, - To Brydges Street hied; but the Monarch of Ale, - With uplifted spigot and faucet, and pail, - Thus chided the Monarch of Fire: - - "Vile tyrant, beware of the ferment I brew, - I rule the roast here, dash the wig o' me! - If, spite of your marriage with Old Drury, you - Come here with your tinderbox, courting the New, - I'll have you indicted for bigamy!" - - - - -PLAYHOUSE MUSINGS. - -BY S. T. C. - - - Ille velut fidis aroana sodalibus olim - Credebat libris; neque si male cesserat, usquam - Decurrens alio, neque si bene.--HORAT. - - - My pensive public, wherefore look you sad? - I had a grandmother, she kept a donkey - To carry to the mart her crockery ware, - And when that donkey look'd me in the face, - His face was sad! and you are sad, my public! - - Joy should be yours: this tenth day of October - Again assembles us in Drury Lane. - Long wept my eye to see the timber planks - That hid our ruins; many a day I cried, - "Ah me! I fear they never will rebuild it!" - Till on one eve, one joyful Monday eve, - As along Charles Street I prepared to walk, - Just at the corner, by the pastry-cook's, - I heard a trowel tick against a brick. - I look'd me up, and straight a parapet - Uprose at least seven inches o'er the planks. - "Joy to thee, Drury!" to myself I said: - "He of Blackfriars Road who hymn'd thy downfall - In loud hosannahs, and who prophesied - That flames, like those from prostrate Solyma, - Would scorch the hand that ventured to rebuild thee, - Has proved a lying prophet." From that hour, - As leisure offer'd, close to Mr. Spring's - Box-office door, I've stood and eyed the builders. - They had a plan to render less their labours; - Workmen in elder times would mount a ladder - With hodded heads, but these stretch'd forth a pole - From the wall's pinnacle, they placed a pulley - Athwart the pole, a rope athwart the pulley; - To this a basket dangled; mortar and bricks - Thus freighted, swung securely to the top, - And in the empty basket workmen twain - Precipitate, unhurt, accosted earth. - - Oh! 'twas a goodly sound to hear the people - Who watch'd the work, express their various thoughts! - While some believ'd it never would be finish'd, - Some on the contrary believ'd it would. - - I've heard our front that faces Drury Lane - Much criticis'd; they say 'tis vulgar brick-work, - A mimic manufactory of floor-cloth. - One of the morning papers wish'd that front - Cemented like the front in Brydges Street; - As it now looks they call it Wyatt's Mermaid, - A handsome woman with a fish's tail. - - White is the steeple of St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The Albion (as its name denotes) is white; - Morgan and Saunders' shop for chairs and tables - Gleams like a snowball in the setting sun; - White is Whitehall. But not St. Bride's in Fleet Street, - The spotless Albion, Morgan, no, nor Saunders, - Nor white Whitehall is white as Drury's face. - - Oh, Mr. Whitbread! fie upon you, sir! - I think you should have built a colonnade; - When tender Beauty, looking for her coach, - Protrudes her gloveless hand, perceives the shower, - And draws the tippet closer round her throat. - Perchance her coach stands half a dozen off, - And, ere she mounts the step, the oozing mud - Soaks thro' her pale kid slipper. On the morrow - She coughs at breakfast, and her gruff papa - Cries, "There you go! this comes of playhouses!" - To build no portico is penny wise: - Heaven grant it prove not in the end pound foolish! - - Hail to thee, Drury! Queen of Theatres! - What is the Regency in Tottenham Street, - The Royal Amphitheatre of Arts, - Astley's Olympic, or the Sans Pareil, - Compar'd with thee? Yet when I view thee push'd - Back from the narrow street that christen'd thee, - I know not why they call thee Drury Lane. - - Amid the freaks that modern fashion sanctions, - It grieves me much to see live animals - Brought on the stage. Grimaldi has his rabbit, - Laurent his cat, and Bradbury his pig; - Fie on such tricks! Johnson, the machinist - Of former Drury, imitated life - Quite to the life. The elephant in Blue Beard, - Stuff'd by his hand, wound round his lithe proboscis, - As spruce as he who roar'd in Padmanaba. - Nought born on earth should die. On hackney stands - I reverence the coachman who cries "Gee," - And spares the lash. When I behold a spider - Prey on a fly, a magpie on a worm, - Or view a butcher with horn-handle knife - Slaughter a tender lamb as dead as mutton, - Indeed, indeed, I'm very, very sick! [_Exit hastily._ - - - - -DRURY LANE HUSTINGS. - -A NEW HALFPENNY BALLAD. - -BY A PIC-NIC POET. - - This is the very age of promise. To promise is most courtly and - fashionable. Performance is a kind of will or testament, which - argues a great sickness in his judgment that makes it.--TIMON OF - ATHENS. - - - _To be sung by_ MR. JOHNSTONE _in the character of_ - LOONEY M'TWOLTER. - - -I. - - "Mr. Jack, your address," says the prompter to me, - So I gave him my card--"No, that a'nt it," says he, - "'Tis your public address." "Oh!" says I, "never fear, - If address you are bother'd for, only look here." - [_Puts on hat affectedly._ - Tol de rol lol, &c. - - -II. - - With Drurys for sartain we'll never have done, - We've built up another, and yet there's but one; - The old one was best, yet I'd say, if I durst, - The new one is better--the last is the first. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -III. - - These pillars are called by a Frenchified word, - A something that's jumbled of antique and verd, - The boxes may show us some verdant antiques, - Some bold harridans who beplaster their cheeks. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IV. - - Only look how high Tragedy, Comedy, stick, - Lest their rivals, the horses, should give them a kick! - If you will not descend when our authors beseech ye, - You'll stop there for life, for I'm sure they can't reach ye. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -V. - - Each one shilling god within reach of a nod is, - And plain are the charms of each gallery goddess, - You, brandy-faced Moll, don't be looking askew, - When I talked of a goddess I didn't mean you. - Tol de rol, &c - - -VI. - - Our stage is so prettily fashion'd for viewing, - The whole house can see what the whole house is doing. - 'Tis just like the hustings, we kick up a bother, - But saying is one thing and doing's another. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VII. - - We've many new houses, and some of them rum ones, - But the newest of all is the new House of Commons, - 'Tis a rickety sort of a bantling I'm told, - It will die of old age when it's seven years old. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -VIII. - - As I don't know on whom the election will fall, - I move in return for returning them all; - But for fear Mr. Speaker my meaning should miss, - The house that I wish 'em to sit in is this. - Tol de rol, &c. - - -IX. - - Let us cheer our great Commoner, but for whose aid - We all should have gone with short commons to bed, - And since he has saved all the fat from the fire, - I move that the House be call'd Whitbread's Entire. - Tol de rol, &c. - - - - -ARCHITECTURAL ATOMS. - -TRANSLATED BY DR. B. - -Lege, Dick, Lege!--JOSEPH ANDREWS. - - -_To be recited by the Translator's Son._ - - Away, fond dupes! who smit with sacred lore, - Mosaic dreams in Genesis explore, - Dote with Copernicus, or darkling stray - With Newton, Ptolemy, or Tycho Brahe: - To you I sing not, for I sing of truth, - Primaeval systems, and creation's youth; - Such as of old, with magic wisdom fraught, - Inspired Lucretius to the Latians taught. - - I sing how casual bricks, in airy climb, - Encounter'd casual horse-hair, casual lime; - How rafters borne through wondering clouds elate, - Kiss'd in their slope blue elemental slate, - Clasp'd solid beams in chance-directed fury, - And gave to birth our renovated Drury. - Thee, son of Jove, whose sceptre was confessed, - Where fair OEolia springs from Tethys' breast: - Thence on Olympus 'mid Celestials placed, - God of the winds, and Ether's boundless waste, - Thee I invoke! Oh, _puff_ my bold design, - Prompt the bright thought, and swell the harmonious line; - Uphold my pinions, and my verse inspire - With Winsor's patent gas, or wind of fire, - In whose pure blaze thy embryo form enroll'd, - The dark enlightens, and enchafes the cold. - - But while I court thy gifts, be mine to shun - The deprecated prize Ulysses won; - Who sailing homeward from thy breezy shore, - The prison'd winds in skins of parchment bore:-- - Speeds the fleet bark, till o'er the billowy green - The azure heights of Ithaca are seen; - But while with favouring gales her way she wins, - His curious comrades ope the mystic skins: - When lo! the rescued winds, with boisterous sweep, - Roar to the clouds, and lash the rocking deep; - Heaves the smote vessel in the howling blast, - Splits the stretch'd sail, and cracks the tottering mast. - Launch'd on a plank, the buoyant hero rides - Where ebon Afric stems the sable tides, - While his duck'd comrades o'er the ocean fly, - And sleep not in the whole skins they untie. - - So when to raise the wind some lawyer tries, - Mysterious skins of parchment meet our eyes. - On speed the smiling suit, "Pleas of our Lord - The King" shine jetty on the wide record: - Nods the prunella'd bar, attornies smile, - And siren jurors flatter to beguile; - Till stript--nonsuited--he is doom'd to toss - In legal shipwreck, and redeemless loss; - Lucky, if, like Ulysses, he can keep - His head above the waters of the deep. - - AEolian monarch! Emperor of Puffs! - We modern sailors dread not thy rebuffs; - See to thy golden shore promiscuous come - Quacks for the lame, the blind, the deaf, the dumb; - Fools are their bankers--a prolific line, - And every mortal malady's a mine. - Each sly Sangrado, with his poisonous pill, - Flies to the printer's devil with his bill, - Whose Midas touch can gild his asses' ears, - And load a knave with folly's rich arrears. - And lo! a second miracle is thine, - For sloe-juiced water stands transform'd to wine. - Where Day and Martin's patent blacking roll'd, - Burst from the vase Pactolian streams of gold; - Laugh the sly wizards glorying in their stealth, - Quit the black art, and loll in lazy wealth. - See Britain's Algerines, the Lottery fry, - Win annual tribute by the annual lie. - Aided by thee--but whither do I stray? - Court, city, borough, own thy sovereign sway: - An age of puffs the age of gold succeeds, - And windy bubbles are the spawn it breeds. - - If such thy power, O hear the Muse's prayer! - Swell thy loud lungs, and wave thy wings of air; - Spread, viewless giant, all thy arms of mist - Like windmill sails to bring the poet grist; - As erst thy roaring son with eddying gale - Whirl'd Orithyia from her native vale-- - So, while Lucretian wonders I rehearse, - Augusta's sons shall patronize my verse. - - I sing of Atoms, whose creative brain, - With eddying impulse, built new Drury Lane; - Not to the labours of subservient man, - To no young Wyatt appertains the plan; - We mortals stalk, like horses in a mill, - Impassive media of Atomic will; - Ye stare! then truth's broad talisman discern-- - 'Tis Demonstration speaks.--Attend and learn! - - From floating elements in chaos hurl'd, - Self-form'd of atoms, sprang the infant world. - No great First Cause inspired the happy plot, - But all was matter, and no matter what. - Atoms, attracted by some law occult, - Settling in spheres, the globe was the result; - Pure child of Chance, which still directs the ball, - As rotatory atoms rise or fall. - In ether launch'd, the peopled bubble floats, - A mass of particles and confluent motes, - So nicely pois'd, that if one atom flings - Its weight away, aloft the planet springs, - And wings its course thro' realms of boundless space, - Outstripping comets in eccentric race. - Add but one atom more, it sinks outright - Down to the realms of Tartarus and night. - What waters melt or scorching fires consume, - In different forms their being reassume; - Hence can no change arise, except in name, - For weight and substance ever are the same. - - Thus with the flames that from old Drury rise, - Its elements primaeval sought the skies, - There, pendulous to wait the happy hour, - When new attractions should restore their power. - So in this procreant theatre elate, - Echoes unborn their future life await; - Here embryo sounds in ether lie conceal'd, - Like words in northern atmosphere congeal'd. - Here many a fœtus laugh and half encore - Clings to the roof, or creeps along the floor. - By puffs concipient some in ether flit, - And soar in bravos from the thundering pit; - Some forth on ticket nights from tradesmen break, - To mar the actor they design to make; - While some this mortal life abortive miss, - Crush'd by a groan, or strangled by a hiss. - So, when "dog's-meat" re-echoes through the streets, - Rush sympathetic dogs from their retreats, - Beam with bright blaze their supplicating eyes, - Sink their hind-legs, ascend their joyful cries; - Each, wild with hope, and maddening to prevail, - Points the pleased ear, and wags the expectant tail. - - Ye fallen bricks! in Drury's fire calcined, - Since doom'd to slumber, couch'd upon the wind, - Sweet was the hour, when tempted by your freaks, - Congenial trowels smooth'd your yellow cheeks. - Float dulcet serenades upon the ear, - Bends every atom from its ruddy sphere, - Twinkles each eye, and, peeping from its veil, - Marks in the adverse crowd its destined male. - The oblong beauties clap their hands of grit, - And brick-dust titterings on the breezes flit; - Then down they rush in amatory race, - Their dusty bridegrooms eager to embrace. - Some choose old lovers, some decide for new, - But each, when fix'd, is to her station true. - Thus various bricks are made as tastes invite, - The red, the grey, the dingy, or the white. - - Perhaps some half-baked rover, frank and free, - To alien beauty bends the lawless knee, - But of unhallow'd fascinations sick, - Soon quits his Cyprian for his married brick; - The Dido atom calls and scolds in vain, - No crisp AEneas soothes the widow's pain. - - So in Cheapside, what time Aurora peeps, - A mingled noise of dustmen, milk, and sweeps, - Falls on the housemaid's ear; amaz'd she stands, - Then opes the door with cinder-sabled hands, - And "matches" calls. The dustman, bubbled flat, - Thinks 'tis for him, and doffs his fan-tail'd hat; - The milkman, whom her second cries assail, - With sudden sink, unyokes the clinking pail; - Now louder grown, by turns she screams and weeps; - Alas! her screaming only brings the sweeps. - Sweeps but put out--she wants to raise a flame, - And calls for matches, but 'tis still the same. - Atoms and housemaids! mark the moral true, - If once ye go astray, no _match_ for you! - - As atoms in one mass united mix, - So bricks attraction feel for kindred bricks; - Some in the cellar view, perchance, on high, - Fair chimney chums on beds of mortar lie; - Enamour'd of the sympathetic clod, - Leaps the red bridegroom to the labourer's hod, - And up the ladder bears the workman, taught - To think he bears the bricks--mistaken thought! - A proof behold--if near the top they find - The nymphs or broken corner'd, or unkind, - Back to the bottom leaping with a bound, - They bear their bleeding carriers to the ground. - - So legends tell, along the lofty hill - Paced the twin heroes, gallant Jack and Jill; - On trudged the Gemini to reach the rail - That shields the well's top from the expectant pail, - When ah! Jack falls; and, rolling in the rear, - Jill feels the attraction of his kindred sphere; - Head over heels begins his toppling track, - Throws sympathetic somersets with Jack, - And at the mountain's base, bobbs plump against him, whack! - - Ye living atoms, who unconscious sit, - Jumbled by chance in gallery, box, and pit, - For you no Peter opes the fabled door, - No churlish Charon plies the shadowy oar;-- - Breathe but a space, and Boreas' casual sweep - Shall bear your scatter'd corses o'er the deep, - To gorge the greedy elements, and mix - With water, marl, and clay, and stones and sticks; - While, charged with fancied souls, sticks, stones and clay, - Shall take your seats, and hiss or clap the play. - - O happy age! when convert Christians read - No sacred writings but the Pagan creed; - O happy age! when spurning Newton's dreams, - Our poet's sons recite Lucretian themes, - Abjure the idle systems of their youth, - And turn again to atoms and to truth. - O happier still! when England's dauntless dames, - Awed by no chaste alarms, no latent shames, - The bard's fourth book unblushingly peruse, - And learn the rampant lessons of the stews! - - All hail, Lucretius, renovated sage! - Unfold the modest mystics of thy page; - Return no more to thy sepulchral shelf, - But live, kind bard,--that I may live myself! - - - - -THEATRICAL ALARM BELL. - -BY THE EDITOR OF THE M. P. - -Bounce, Jupiter, bounce!--O'HARA. - - -LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, - -As it is now the universally-admitted, and indeed -pretty-generally-suspected aim of Mr. Whitbread and the infamous, -bloodthirsty, and, in fact, illiberal faction to which he belongs, to -burn to the ground this free and happy Protestant city, and establish -himself in St. James's Palace, his fellow committee-men have thought -it their duty to watch the principles of a theatre built under his -auspices. The information they have received from undoubted authority, -particularly from an old fruit-woman who had turned king's evidence, and -whose name for obvious reasons we forbear to mention, though we have had -it some weeks in our possession, has induced them to introduce various -reforms: not such reforms as the vile faction clamour for, meaning -thereby revolution, but such reforms as are necessary to preserve the -glorious constitution of the only free, happy, and prosperous country -now left upon the face of the earth. From the valuable and authentic -source above alluded to, we have learnt that a sanguinary plot has -been formed by some united Irishmen, combined with a gang of Luddites, -and a special committee sent over by the Pope at the instigation of -the beastly Corsican fiend, for destroying all the loyal part of -the audience on the anniversary of that deeply-to-be-abhorred and -highly-to-be-blamed stratagem, the gunpowder plot, which falls this year -on Thursday, the 5th of November. The whole is under the direction of -a delegated committee of O.P.'s, whose treasonable exploits at Covent -Garden you all recollect, and all of whom would have been hung from the -chandeliers at that time but for the mistaken lenity of government. -At a given signal a well-known O.P. was to cry out from the gallery, -"Nosey! Music!" whereupon all the O.P.'s were to produce from their -inside pockets a long pair of shears, edged with felt to prevent their -making any noise, manufactured expressly by a wretch at Birmingham, -one of Mr. Brougham's evidences, and now in custody. With these they -were to cut off the heads of all the loyal N.P.'s in the house, without -distinction of sex or age. At the signal, similarly given, of "Throw -him over," which it now appears always alluded to the overthrow of our -never-sufficiently-enough-to-be-deeply-and-universally-to-be-venerated -constitution, all the heads of the N.P.'s were to be thrown at the -fiddlers, to prevent their appearing in evidence, or perhaps as a false -and illiberal insinuation that they have no heads of their own. All that -we know of the further designs of these incendiaries is, that they are -by-a-great-deal-too-much too-horrible-to-be-mentioned. - -The manager has acted with his usual promptitude on this trying -occasion. He has contracted for 300 tons of gunpowder, which -are at this moment placed in a small barrel under the pit, and -a descendant of Guy Faux, assisted by Colonel Congreve, has -undertaken to blow up the house, when necessary, in so novel and -ingenious a manner, that every O.P. shall be annihilated, while not -a whisker of the N.P.'s shall be singed. This strikingly displays -the advantages of loyalty and attachment to government. Several -other hints have been taken from the theatrical regulations of the -not-a-bit-the-less-on-that-account-to-be-universally-execrated monster -Bonaparte. A park of artillery, provided with chain-shot, is to be -stationed on the stage, and play upon the audience in case of any -indication of misplaced applause or popular discontent (which accounts -for the large space between the curtain and the lamps); and the public -will participate our satisfaction in learning that the indecorous custom -of standing up with the hat on is to be abolished, as the Bow Street -officers are provided with daggers, and have orders to stab all such -persons to the heart, and send their bodies to Surgeons' Hall; gentlemen -who cough are only to be slightly wounded. Fruit-women bawling "Bill of -the Play" are to be forthwith shot, for which purpose soldiers will be -stationed in the slips, and ball-cartridge is to be served out with the -lemonade. If any of the spectators happen to sneeze or spit they are to -be transported for life, and any person who is so tall as to prevent -another seeing, is to be dragged out and sent on board the tender, or, by -an instrument taken out of the pocket of Procrustes, to be forthwith cut -shorter, either at the head or foot, according as his own convenience may -dictate. - -Thus, ladies and gentlemen, have the committee, through my medium, -set forth the not-in-a-hurry-to-be-paralleled plan they have -adopted for preserving order and decorum within the walls of their -magnificent edifice. Nor have they, while attentive to their own -concerns, by any means overlooked those of the cities of London -and Westminster. Finding, on enumeration, that they have with a -with-two-hands-and-one-tongue-to-be-applauded liberality, contracted -for more gunpowder than they want, they have parted with the surplus -to the mattock-carrying and hustings-hammering high bailiff of -Westminster, who has, with his own shovel, dug a large hole in -the front of the parish church of St. Paul, Covent Garden, that, -upon the least symptom of ill-breeding in the mob at the general -election, the whole of the market may be blown into the air. This, -ladies and gentlemen, may at first make provisions _rise_, but -we pledge the credit of our theatre that they will soon _fall_ -again, and people be supplied as usual with vegetables in the -in-general-strewed-with-cabbage-stalks-but-on-Saturday-night-lighted-up- -with-lamps market of Covent Garden. - -I should expatiate more largely on the other advantages of the glorious -constitution of these by-the-whole-of-Europe-envied realms, but I am -called away to take an account of the ladies, and other artificial -flowers, at a fashionable rout, of which a full and particular account -will hereafter appear. For the present, my fashionable intelligence is -scanty, on account of the opening of Drury Lane; and the ladies and -gentlemen who honour me with their attention, will not be surprised if -they find nothing under my usual head! - - - - -THE THEATRE. - -BY THE REV. G. C. - - Nil intentatum nostri liquore poetae, - Nec minimum meruere decus, vestigia Graeca - Ausi desesere, et celebrare domestica facta.--HORAT. - - -A PREFACE OF APOLOGIES. - -If the following poem should be fortunate enough to be selected for the -opening Address, a few words of explanation may be deemed necessary, on -my part, to avert invidious misrepresentation. The animadversion I have -thought it right to make on the noise created by tuning the orchestra, -will, I hope, give no lasting remorse to any of the gentlemen employed -in the band. It is to be desired that they would keep their instruments -ready tuned, and strike off at once. This would be an accommodation to -many well-meaning persons who frequent the theatre, who not being blest -with the ear of St. Cecilia, mistake the tuning for the overture, and -think the latter concluded before it is begun. - - "one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still--" - -was originally written "one hautboy will," but having providentially -been informed, when this poem was upon the point of being sent off, that -there is but one hautboy in the band, I averted the storm of popular and -managerial indignation from the head of its blower; as it now stands, -"one fiddle" among many, the faulty individual will, I hope, escape -detection. The story of the flying playbill is calculated to expose -a practice, much too common, of pinning playbills to the cushions, -insecurely, and frequently, I fear, not pinning them at all. If these -lines save one playbill only from the fate I have recorded, I shall not -deem my labour ill employed. The concluding episode of Patrick Jennings, -glances at the boorish fashion of wearing the hat in the one-shilling -gallery. Had Jennings thrust his between his feet at the commencement of -the play, he might have leaned forward with impunity, and the catastrophe -I relate would not have occurred. The line of handkerchiefs formed to -enable him to recover his loss, is purposely so crossed in texture and -materials, as to mislead the reader in respect of the real owner of any -one of them. For, in the satirical view of life and manners, which I -occasionally present, my clerical profession has taught me how extremely -improper it would be by any allusion, however slight, to give any -uneasiness, however trivial, to any individual, however foolish or wicked. - - G. C. - - - - -THE THEATRE. - - Interior of a theatre described.--Pit gradually fills.--The - check-taker.--Pit full.--The orchestra tuned.--One fiddle - rather dilatory.--Is reproved--and repents.--Evolutions of a - playbill.--Its final settlement on the spikes.--The gods taken - to task--and why.--Motley group of playgoers.--Holywell Street, - St. Pancras.--Emanuel Jennings binds his son apprentice.--Not in - London--and why.--Episode of the hat. - - - 'Tis sweet to view, from half-past five to six, - Our long wax-candles, with short cotton wicks, - Touch'd by the lamplighter's Promethean art, - Start into light and make the lighter start; - To see red Phoebus through the gallery pane - Tinge with his beam the beams of Drury Lane, - While gradual parties fill our widen'd pit, - And gape, and gaze, and wonder, ere they sit. - - At first, while vacant seats give choice and ease, - Distant or near, they settle where they please; - But when the multitude contracts the span, - And seats are rare, they settle where they can. - - Now the full benches, to late comers, doom - No room for standing, miscall'd _standing-room_. - - Hark! the check-taker moody silence breaks, - And bawling "Pit full," gives the check he takes; - Yet onward still, the gathering numbers cram, - Contending crowders shout the frequent damn, - And all is bustle, squeeze, row, jabbering, jam. - - See to their desks Apollo's sons repair; - Swift rides the rosin o'er the horse's hair; - In unison their various tones to tune - Murmurs the hautboy, growls the hoarse bassoon; - In soft vibration sighs the whispering lute, - Tang goes the harpsichord, too-too the flute, - Brays the loud trumpet, squeaks the fiddle sharp, - Winds the French-horn, and twangs the tingling harp; - Till, like great Jove, the leader, figuring in, - Attunes to order the chaotic din. - Now all seems hush'd--but no, one fiddle will - Give, half-ashamed, a tiny flourish still; - Foil'd in his crash, the leader of the clan - Reproves with frowns the dilatory man; - Then on his candlestick thrice taps his bow, - Nods a new signal, and away they go. - Perchance, while pit and gallery cry, "Hats off," - And awed Consumption checks his chided cough, - Some giggling daughter of the Queen of Love - Drops, reft of pin, her playbill from above; - Like Icarus, while laughing galleries clap, - Soars, ducks, and dives in air the printed scrap; - But, wiser far than he, combustion fears, - And, as it flies, eludes the chandeliers; - Till sinking gradual, with repeated twirl, - It settles, curling, on a fiddler's curl; - Who from his powder'd pate the intruder strikes, - And, for mere malice, sticks it on the spikes. - - Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? - Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? - He who, in quest of quiet, "silence" hoots, - Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. - - What various swains our motley walls contain! - Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick Lane; - Bankers from Paper Buildings here resort, - Bankrupts from Golden Square and Riches Court; - From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, - Culls from the Poultry, sots from Water Lane; - The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, - The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; - Boys who long linger at the gallery door, - With pence twice five, they want but twopence more, - Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, - And sends them jumping up the gallery stairs. - - Critics we boast who ne'er their malice baulk, - But talk their minds, we wish they'd mind their talk; - Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, - Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; - Jews from St. Mary Axe, for jobs so wary, - That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; - And bucks with pockets empty as their pate, - Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait, - Who oft, when we our house lock up, carouse - With tippling tipstaves in a lock-up house. - - Yet here, as elsewhere, chance can joy bestow, - Where scowling fortune seem'd to threaten woe. - - John Richard William Alexander Dwyer - Was footman to Justinian Stubbs, Esquire; - But when John Dwyer listed in the Blues, - Emanuel Jennings polish'd Stubbs's shoes. - Emanuel Jennings brought his youngest boy - Up as a corn-cutter, a safe employ; - In Holywell Street, St. Pancras, he was bred - (At number twenty-seven, it is said), - Facing the pump, and near the Granby's Head: - He would have bound him to some shop in town, - But with a premium he could not come down; - Pat was the urchin's name, a red-hair'd youth, - Fonder of purl and skittle-grounds than truth. - - Silence, ye gods! to keep your tongues in awe, - The Muse shall tell an accident she saw. - - Pat Jennings in the upper gallery sat, - But, leaning forward, Jennings lost his hat; - Down from the gallery the beaver flew, - And spurn'd the one to settle in the two. - How shall he act? Pay at the gallery door - Two shillings for what cost, when new, but four? - Or till half-price, to save his shilling, wait, - And gain his hat again at half-past eight? - Now, while his fears anticipate a thief, - John Mullins whispers, "Take my handkerchief." - "Thank you," cries Pat, "but one won't make a line;" - "Take mine," cried Wilson, and cried Stokes, "take mine." - A motley cable soon Pat Jennings ties, - Where Spitalfields with real India vies. - Like Iris' bow, down darts the painted hue, - Starr'd, striped, and spotted, yellow, red, and blue, - Old calico, torn silk, and muslin new. - George Green below, with palpitating hand, - Loops the last 'kerchief to the beaver's band. - Up soars the prize; the youth, with joy unfeign'd, - Regain'd the felt, and felt what he regain'd, - While to the applauding galleries grateful Pat - Made a low bow, and touch'd the ransom'd hat. - - - - -_To the Managing Committee of the New Drury Lane Theatre._ - - -GENTLEMEN, - -Happening to be wool-gathering at the foot of Mount Parnassus, I was -suddenly seized with a violent travestie in the head. The first symptoms -I felt were several triple rhymes floating about my brain, accompanied by -a singing in my throat, which quickly communicated itself to the ears of -everybody about me, and made me a burthen to my friends, and a torment -to Doctor Apollo, three of whose favourite servants, that is to say, -Macbeth, his butcher, Mrs. Haller, his cook, and George Barnwell, his -book-keeper, I waylaid in one of my fits of insanity, and mauled after -a very frightful fashion. In this woeful crisis I accidentally heard -of your invaluable New Patent Hissing Pit, which cures every disorder -incident to Grub Street. I send you enclosed a more detailed specimen of -my case; if you could mould it into the shape of an Address to be said -or sung on the first night of your performance, I have no doubt that I -should feel the immediate effects of your invaluable New Patent Hissing -Pit, of which they tell me one hiss is a dose. - - I am, &c. - MOMUS MEDLAR. - - - - -CASE NO. I. - - -MACBETH. - - _Enter_ MACBETH _in a red nightcap_. PAGE _following with a torch_. - - Go, boy, and thy good mistress tell - (She knows that my purpose is cruel), - I'd thank her to tingle her bell, - As soon as she's heated my gruel. - Go, get thee to bed and repose, - To sit up so late is a scandal; - But ere you have ta'en off your clothes, - Be sure that you put out that candle. - Ri fol de rol tol de rol lol. - - My stars, in the air here's a knife! - I'm sure it cannot be a hum; - I'll catch at the handle, add's life, - And then I shall not cut my thumb. - I've got him!--no, at him again, - Come, come, I'm not fond of these jokes: - This must be some blade of the brain: - Those witches are given to hoax. - - I've one in my pocket, I know, - My wife left on purpose behind her, - She bought this of Teddy-high-ho, - The poor Caledonian grinder. - I see thee again! o'er thy middle - Large drops of red blood now are spill'd, - Just as much as to say diddle diddle, - Good Duncan pray come and be kill'd. - - It leads to his chamber, I swear; - I tremble and quake every joint; - No dog at the scent of a hare - Ever yet made a cleverer point. - Ah, no! 'twas a dagger of straw-- - Give me blinkers to save me from starting; - The knife that I thought that I saw, - Was nought but my eye, Betty Martin. - - Now o'er this terrestrial hive - A life paralytic is spread, - For while the one half is alive, - The other is sleepy and dead. - King Duncan in grand majesty - Has got my state bed for a snooze, - I've lent him my slippers, so I - May certainly stand in his shoes. - - Blow softly, ye murmuring gales, - Ye feet rouse no echo in walking, - For though a dead man tells no tales, - Dead walls are much given to talking. - This knife shall be in at the death, - I'll stick him, then off safely get. - Cries the world, this could not be Macbeth, - For he'd ne'er stick at anything yet. - - Hark, hark, 'tis the signal by goles, - It sounds like a funeral knell: - O hear it not, Duncan, it tolls - To call thee to heaven or hell. - Or if you to heaven won't fly, - But rather prefer Pluto's ether, - Only wait a few years till I die, - And we'll go to the devil together, - Ri fol de rol, &c. - - - - -CASE NO. II. - - -THE STRANGER. - - Who has e'er been at Drury must needs know the Stranger, - A wailing old Methodist, gloomy and wan, - A husband suspicious, his wife acted Ranger, - She took to her heels, and left poor Hypochon. - Her martial gallant swore that truth was a libel, - That marriage was thraldom, elopement no sin; - Quoth she, "I remember the words of my Bible, - My spouse is a Stranger, and I'll take him in." - With my sentimentalibus lachrymae roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see; - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - To keep up her dignity, no longer rich enough, - Where was her plate? why 'twas laid on the shelf. - Her land fuller's earth, and her great riches kitchen stuff, - Dressing the dinner instead of herself. - No longer permitted in diamonds to sparkle, - Now plain Mrs. Haller, of servants the dread, - With a heart full of grief and a pan full of charcoal, - She lighted the company up to their bed. - - Incensed at her flight, her poor hubby in dudgeon - Roam'd after his rib in a gig and a pout, - Till, tired with his journey, the peevish curmudgeon, - Sat down and blubber'd just like a church spout. - One day on a bench as dejected and sad he laid, - Hearing a squash, he cried, "Hullo, what's that?" - 'Twas a child of the Count's, in whose service lived Adelaide, - Soused in the river and squalled like a cat. - - Having drawn his young excellence up to the bank, it - Appear'd that himself was all dripping, I swear, - No wonder he soon became dry as a blanket, - Exposed as he was to the Count's _son_ and _heir_. - "Dear sir," quoth the Count, "in reward of your valour, - To show that my gratitude is not mere talk, - You shall eat a beefsteak which my cook, Mrs. Haller, - Cut from the rump with her own knife and fork." - - Behold, now the Count gave the Stranger a dinner, - With gunpowder tea, which you know brings a ball, - And, thin as he was, that he might not grow thinner, - He made of the Stranger no stranger at all; - At dinner fair Adelaide brought up a chicken, - A bird that she never had met with before, - But, seeing him, scream'd, and was carried off, kicking, - And he bang'd his nob 'gainst the opposite door. - - To finish my tale without roundaboutation, - Young master and missee besieged their papa, - They sung a quartetto in grand blubberation; - The Stranger cried "Oh!" Mrs. Haller cried "Ah!" - Though pathos and sentiment largely are dealt in, - I have no good moral to give in exchange, - For though she as a cook might be given to melting, - The Stranger's behaviour was certainly strange, - With his sentimentalibus lachrymae roar'em, - And pathos and bathos delightful to see, - And chop and change ribs a-la-mode Germanorum, - And high diddle ho diddle, pop tweedle dee. - - - - -CASE NO. III. - - -GEORGE BARNWELL. - - George Barnwell stood at the shop door, - A customer hoping to find, sir; - His apron was hanging before, - But the tail of his coat was behind, sir. - A lady so painted and smart, - Cried, "Sir, I've exhausted my stock o' late, - I've got nothing left but a groat, - Could you give me four penn'orth of chocolate? - Rum ti, &c. - - Her face was rouged up to the eyes, - Which made her look prouder and prouder, - His hair stood on end with surprise, - And hers with pomatum and powder. - The business was soon understood; - The lady, who wish'd to be more rich, - Cries, "Sweet sir, my name is Milwood, - And I lodge at the Gunner's, in Shoreditch." - Rum ti, &c. - - Now nightly he stole out, good lack, - And into her lodging would pop, sir, - And often forgot to come back, - Leaving master to shut up the shop, sir, - Her beauty his wits did bereave; - Determin'd to be quite the crack O, - He lounged at the Adam and Eve, - And call'd for his gin and tobacco. - Rum ti, &c. - - And now (for the truth must be told) - Though none of a 'prentice should speak ill, - He stole from the till all the gold, - And ate the lump sugar and treacle. - In vain did his master exclaim, - "Dear George, don't engage with that Dragon, - She'll lead you to sorrow and shame, - And leave you the devil a rag on - Your Rum ti," &c. - - In vain he entreats and implores - The weak and incurable ninny, - So kicks him at last out of doors, - And Georgy soon spends his last guinea. - His uncle, whose generous purse - Had often relieved him, as I know, - Now finding him grow worse and worse, - Refused to come down with the rhino. - Rum ti, &c. - - Cried Milwood, whose cruel heart's core, - Was so flinty that nothing could shock it, - "If ye mean to come here any more, - Pray come with more cash in your pocket. - Make nunky surrender his dibs, - Rub his pate with a pair of lead towels, - Or stick a knife into his ribs, - I'll warrant he'll then show some bowels." - Rum ti, &c. - - A pistol he got from his love, - 'Twas loaded with powder and bullet, - He trudged off to Camberwell Grove, - But wanted the courage to pull it. - "There's nunky as fat as a hog, - While I am as lean as a lizard; - Here's at you! you stingy old dog!" - And he whips a long knife in his gizzard. - Rum ti, &c. - - All you who attend to my song, - A terrible end of the farce shall see, - If you join the inquisitive throng - That followed poor George to the Marshalsea. - "If Milwood were here, dash my wigs!" - Quoth he, "I would pummel and lam her well! - Had I stuck to my prunes and my figs, - I ne'er had stuck nunky at Camberwell." - Rum ti, &c. - - Their bodies were never cut down, - For granny relates with amazement, - A witch bore 'em over the town - And hung them on Thorowgood's casement. - The neighbours, I've heard the folks say, - The miracle noisily brag on, - And the shop is to this very day, - The sign of the George and the Dragon. - Rum ti, &c. - - - - -PUNCH'S APOTHEOSIS. - -BY T. H. - - Rhymes the rudders are of verses, - With which, like ships, they steer their courses.--HUDIBRAS. - - _Scene draws, and discovers_ PUNCH _on a throne surrounded by_ - LEAR, LADY MACBETH, MACBETH, OTHELLO, GEORGE BARNWELL, HAMLET, - GHOST, MACHEATH, JULIET, FRIAR, APOTHECARY, ROMEO, _and_ - FALSTAFF.--PUNCH _descends, and addresses them in the following_ - - -RECITATIVE. - - As manager of horses Mr. Merryman is, - So I with you am master of the ceremonies,-- - These grand rejoicings, let me see, how name ye 'em? - Oh, in Greek lingo 'tis E--pi--thalamium. - October's tenth it is, toss up each hat to-day, - And celebrate with shouts our opening Saturday. - On this great night 'tis settled by our manager, - That we, to please great Johnny Bull, should plan a jeer, - Dance a bang-up theatrical cotillon, - And put on tuneful Pegasus a pillion; - That every soul, whether or not a cough he has, - May kick like Harlequin, and sing like Orpheus. - So come, ye pupils of Sir John Gallini, - Spin up a teetotum like Angiollini; - That John and Mrs. Bull from ale and teahouses, - May shout huzza for Punch's Apotheosis! - [_They dance and sing._ - - -AIR--"_Sure such a day._"--TOM THUMB. - - _Lear._ Dance, Regan, dance with Cordelia and Goneril, - Down the middle, up again, poussette, and cross; - Stop Cordelia, do not tread upon her heel, - Regan feeds on coltsfoot, and kicks like a horse. - See, she twists her mutton fists like Molyneux or Beelzebub, - And t'other's clack, who pats her back, is louder far than Hell's - hubbub. - They tweak my nose, and round it goes, I fear they'll break the ridge - of it. - Or leave it all just like Vauxhall, with only half the bridge of it. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Lady Macbeth._ I kill'd the King, my husband is a heavy dunce, - He left the grooms unmassacred, then massacred the stud, - One loves long gloves, for mittens, like King's evidence, - Let truth with the fingers out, and won't hide blood. - - _Macbeth._ When spooneys on two knees implore the aid of sorcery. - To suit their wicked purposes they quickly put the laws awry, - With Adam I in wife may vie, for none could tell the use of her, - Except to cheapen golden pippins hawk'd about by Lucifer. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Othello._ Wife, come to life, forgive what your black lover did, - Spit the feathers from your mouth and munch roast beef; - Iago he may go and be toss'd in the coverlid, - That smother'd you because you pawn'd my handkerchief. - - _Geo. Barnwell._ Why, neger, so eager about your rib immaculate? - Milwood shows for hanging us they've got an ugly knack o' late; - If on beauty stead of duty but one peeper bent he sees, - Satan waits with Dolly baits to hook in us apprentices. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Hamlet._ I'm Hamlet in camlet, my ap and perihelia, - The moon can fix which lunatics makes sharp or flat. - I stuck by ill-luck, enamour'd of Ophelia, - Old Polony like a sausage, and exclaim'd, "Rat! Rat!" - - _Ghost._ Let Gertrude sup the poisoned cup, no more I'll be an - actor in - Such sorry food, but drink home-brew'd of Whitbread's manufacturing. - - _Macheath._ I'll Polly it, and folly it, and dance it quite the - dandy O, - But as for tunes I have but one, and that is "Drops of Brandy O." - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! - - _Juliet._ I'm Juliet Capulet, who took a dose of hellebore, - A Hell-of-a-bore I found it to put on a pall. - - _Friar._ And I am the friar who so corpulent a belly bore. - - _Apothecary._ And that is why poor skinny I have none at all. - - _Romeo._ I'm the resurrection man of buried bodies amorous. - - _Falstaff._ I'm fagg'd to death, and out of breath, and am for - quiet clamorous, - For though my paunch is round and staunch, I ne'er begin to fill it - ere I - Feel that I have no stomach left for entertainment military. - - _Omnes._ Round let us bound, for this is Punch's holiday, - Glory to tomfoolery. Huzza! huzza! [_Exeunt dancing._ - - - - -ODES AND ADDRESSES TO GREAT PEOPLE. - -(1825.) - - - - -ODE TO MR. GRAHAM. - -THE AERONAUT. - - Up with me!--up with me into the sky!-- - - WORDSWORTH--ON A LARK: - - -I. - - Dear Graham, whilst the busy crowd, - The vain, the wealthy, and the proud, - Their meaner flights pursue, - Let us cast off the foolish ties - That bind us to the earth, and rise - And take a bird's-eye view! - - -II. - - A few more whiffs of my cigar - And then, in Fancy's airy car, - Have with thee for the skies: - How oft this fragrant smoke upcurl'd - Hath borne me from this little world, - And all that in it lies! - - -III. - - Away!--away!--the bubble fills-- - Farewell to earth and all its hills!-- - We seem to cut the wind!-- - So high we mount, so swift we go, - The chimney-tops are far below, - The Eagle's left behind! - - -IV. - - Ah me! my brain begins to swim!-- - The world is growing rather dim; - The steeples and the trees-- - My wife is getting very small! - I cannot see my babe at all!-- - The Dollond, if you please!-- - - -V. - - Do, Graham, let me have a quiz, - Lord! what a Lilliput it is, - That little world of Mogg's!-- - Are those the London Docks?--that channel, - The mighty Thames?--a proper kennel - For that small Isle of Dogs! - - -VI. - - What is that seeming tea-urn there! - That fairy dome, St. Paul's!--I swear, - Wren must have been a wren!-- - And that small stripe?--it cannot be - The City Road!--Good lack? to see - The little ways of men! - - -VII. - - Little, indeed!--my eyeballs ache - To find a turnpike. I must take - Their tolls upon my trust!-- - And where is mortal labour gone? - Look, Graham, for a little stone - MacAdamized to dust! - - -VIII. - - Look at the horses!--less than flies!-- - Oh, what a waste it was of sighs - To wish to be a Mayor! - What is the honour?--none at all, - One's honour must be very small - For such a civic chair! - - -IX. - - And there's Guildhall!--'tis far aloof-- - Methinks, I fancy thro' the roof - Its little guardian Gogs, - Like penny dolls--a tiny show!-- - Well,--I must say they're ruled below. - By very little logs! - - -X. - - Oh! Graham, how the upper air - Alters the standards of compare; - One of our silken flags - Would cover London all about-- - Nay, then--let's even empty out - Another brace of bags! - - -XI. - - Now for a glass of bright champagne - Above the clouds!--Come, let us drain - A bumper as we go! - But hold!--for God's sake do not cant - The cork away--unless you want - To brain your friends below. - - -XII. - - Think! what a mob of little men - Are crawling just within our ken, - Like mites upon a cheese! - Pshaw!--how the foolish sight rebukes - Ambitious thoughts!--can there be _Dukes_ - Of _Gloster_ such as these! - - -XIII. - - Oh! what is glory?--what is fame? - Hark to the little mob's acclaim, - 'Tis nothing but a hum! - A few near gnats would trump as loud - As all the shouting of a crowd - That has so far to come! - - -XIV. - - Well--they are wise that choose the near, - A few small buzzards in the ear, - To organs ages hence!-- - Ah me, how distance touches all; - It makes the true look rather small, - But murders poor pretence. - - -XV. - - "The world recedes!--it disappears! - Heav'n open on my eyes--my ears - With buzzing noises ring!" - A fig for Southey's Laureate lore!-- - What's Rogers here?--who cares for Moore - That hears the angels sing! - - -XVI. - - A fig for earth, and all its minions!-- - We are above the world's opinions, - Graham! we'll have our own!-- - Look what a vantage height we've got!-- - Now----_do_ you think Sir Walter Scott - Is such a Great Unknown? - - -XVII. - - Speak up!--or hath he hid his name - To crawl thro' "subways" into fame, - Like Williams of Cornhill?-- - Speak up, my lad!--when men run small - We'll show what's little in them all, - Receive it how they will! - - -XVIII. - - Think now of Irving!--shall he preach - The princes down--shall he impeach - The potent and the rich, - Merely on ethic stilts,--and I - Not moralize at two miles high - The true didactic pitch! - - -XIX. - - Come:--what d'ye think of Jeffrey, sir? - Is Gifford such a Gulliver - In Lilliput's Review, - That like Colossus he should stride - Certain small brazen inches wide - For poets to pass through? - - -XX. - - Look down! the world is but a spot. - Now say--Is Blackwood's _low_ or not, - For all the Scottish tone? - It shall not weigh us here--not where - The sandy burden's lost in air-- - Our lading--where is't flown! - - -XXI. - - Now,--like you Croly's verse indeed-- - In heaven--where one cannot read - The "Warren" on a wall? - What think you here of that man's fame? - Tho' Jerdan magnified his name, - To me 'tis very small! - - -XXII. - - And, truly, is there such a spell - In those three letters, L. E. L., - To witch a world with song? - On clouds the Byron did not sit, - Yet dared on Shakespeare's head to spit, - And say the world was wrong! - - -XXIII. - - And shall not we? Let's think aloud! - Thus being couch'd upon a cloud, - Graham, we'll have our eyes! - We felt the great when we were less, - But we'll retort on littleness - Now we are in the skies. - - -XXIV. - - O Graham, Graham, how I blame - The bastard blush,--the petty shame, - That used to fret me quite,-- - The little sores I cover'd then, - No sores on earth, nor sorrows when - The world is out of sight! - - -XXV. - - _My_ name is Tims. I am the man - That North's unseen diminish'd clan - So scurvily abused! - I am the very P. A. Z. - The London's Lion's small pin's head - So often hath refused! - - -XXVI. - - Campbell--(you cannot see him here)-- - Hath scorn'd my _lays_:--do his appear - Such great eggs from the sky? - And Longman, and his lengthy Co. - Long, only, in a little Row, - Have thrust my poems by! - - -XXVII. - - What else?--I'm poor, and much beset - With petty duns--that is--in debt - Some grains of golden dust! - But only worth, above, is worth. - What's all the credit of the earth? - An inch of cloth on trust! - - -XXVIII. - - What's Rothschild here, that wealthy man! - Nay, worlds of wealth?--Oh, if you can - Spy out,--the _Golden Ball!_ - Sure as we rose, all money sank: - What's gold or silver now?--the Bank - Is gone--the 'Change and all! - - -XXIX. - - What's all the ground-rent of the globe?-- - Oh, Graham, it would worry Job - To hear its landlords prate! - But after this survey, I think - I'll ne'er be bullied more, nor shrink - From men of large estate! - - -XXX. - - And less, still less, will I submit - To poor mean acres' worth of wit-- - I that have Heaven's span-- - I that like Shakespeare's self may dream - Beyond the very clouds, and seem - An Universal Man! - - -XXXI. - - Oh, Graham, mark those gorgeous crowds! - Like birds of paradise the clouds - Are winging on the wind! - But what is grander than their range? - More lovely than their sunset change?-- - The free creative mind! - - -XXXII. - - Well! the Adults' School's in the air! - The greatest men are lesson'd there - As well as the lessee! - Oh could earth's Ellistons thus small - Behold the greatest stage of all, - How humbled they would be! - - -XXXIII. - - "Oh would some god the giftie gie 'em, - To see themselves as others see 'em," - 'Twould much abate their fuss! - If they could think that from the skies - They are as little in our eyes - As they can think of us! - - -XXXIV. - - Of us! are _we_ gone out of sight? - Lessen'd! diminish'd! vanish'd quite! - Lost to the tiny town! - Beyond the Eagle's ken--the grope - Of Dollond's longest telescope! - Graham! we're going down! - - -XXXV. - - Ah me! I've touch'd a string that opes - The airy valve!--the gas elopes-- - Down goes our bright balloon!-- - Farewell the skies! the clouds! I smell - The lower world! Graham, farewell, - Man of the silken moon! - - -XXXVI. - - The earth is close! the City nears-- - Like a burnt paper it appears, - Studded with tiny sparks! - Methinks I hear the distant rout - Of coaches rumbling all about-- - We're close above the Parks! - - -XXXVII. - - I hear the watchmen on their beats, - Hawking the hour about the streets. - Lord! what a cruel jar - It is upon the earth to light! - Well--there's the finish of our flight! - I've smoked my last cigar! - - - - -ODE TO MR. M'ADAM. - -Let us take to the road!--BEGGAR'S OPERA. - - -I. - - M'adam, hail! - Hail, Roadian! hail, Colossus! who dost stand - Striding ten thousand turnpikes on the land! - Oh, universal Leveller! all hail! - To thee, a good, yet stony-hearted man, - The kindest one, and yet the flintiest going-- - To thee--how much for thy commodious plan, - Lanark Reformer of the Ruts, is Owing! - The Bristol mail - Gliding o'er ways, hitherto deem'd invincible, - When carrying patriots now shall never fail - Those of the most "_unshaken_ public principle." - Hail to thee, Scott of Scots! - Thou northern light, amid those heavy men! - Foe to Stonehenge, yet friend to all beside, - Thou scatter'st flints and favours far and wide, - From palaces to cots; - Dispenser of coagulated good! - Distributor of granite and of food! - Long may thy fame its even path march on, - E'en when thy sons are dead! - Best benefactor! though thou giv'st a stone - To those who ask for bread! - - -II. - - Thy first great trial in this mighty town - Was, if I rightly recollect, upon - That gentle hill which goeth - Down from "the County" to the Palace gate, - And, like a river, thanks to thee, now floweth - Past the Old Horticultural Society,-- - The chemist Cobb's, the house of Howell and James, - Where ladies play high shawl and satin games-- - A little _Hell_ of lace! - And past the Athenaeum, made of late, - Severs a sweet variety - Of milliners and booksellers who grace - Waterloo Place, - Making division, the Muse fears and guesses, - 'Twixt Mr. Rivington's and Mr. Hessey's. - Thou stood'st thy trial, Mac! and shav'd the road - From Barber Beaumont's to the King's abode - So well, that paviours threw their rammers by, - Let down their tuck'd shirt-sleeves, and with a sigh - Prepar'd themselves, poor souls, to chip or die! - - -III. - - Next, from the palace to the prison, thou - Didst go, the highway's watchman, to thy beat,-- - Preventing though the _rattling_ in the street, - Yet kicking up a row, - Upon the stones--ah! truly watchman-like, - Encouraging thy victims all to strike, - To further thy own purpose, Adam, daily;-- - Thou hast smooth'd, alas, the path to the Old Bailey! - And to the stony bowers - Of Newgate, to encourage the approach, - By caravan or coach,-- - Hast strew'd the way with flints as soft as flowers. - - -IV. - - Who shall dispute thy name! - Insculpt in stone in every street, - We soon shall greet - Thy trodden down, yet all unconquer'd fame! - Where'er we take, even at this time, our way, - Nought see we, but mankind in open air, - Hammering thy fame, as Chantrey would not dare; - And with a patient care, - Chipping thy immortality all day! - Demosthenes, of old,--that rare old man,-- - Prophetically, _follow'd_, Mac! thy plan:-- - For he, we know - (History says so), - Put _pebbles_ in his mouth when he would speak - The _smoothest_ Greek! - - -V. - - It is "impossible, and cannot be," - But that thy genius hath, - Beside the turnpike, many another path - Trod, to arrive at popularity. - O'er Pegasus, perchance, thou hast thrown a thigh, - Nor ridden a roadster only;--mighty Mac! - And 'faith I'd swear, when on that winged hack, - Thou hast observ'd the highways in the sky! - Is the path up Parnassus rough and steep, - And "hard to climb," as Dr. B. would say? - Dost think it best for sons of song to keep - The noiseless _tenor_ of their way? (see Gray). - What line of road _should_ poets take to bring - Themselves unto those waters, lov'd the first!-- - Those waters which can wet a man to sing! - Which, like thy fame, "from _granite_ basins burst, - Leap into life, and, sparkling, woo the thirst?" - - -VI. - - That thou'rt a proser, even thy birthplace might - Vouchsafe;--and Mr. Cadell _may_, God wot, - Have paid thee many a pound for many a blot,-- - - - Cadell's a wayward wight! - Although no Walter, still thou art a Scot, - And I can throw, I think, a little light - Upon some works thou hast written for the town,-- - And publish'd, like a Lilliput Unknown! - "Highways and Byeways" is thy book, no doubt - (One whole edition's out), - And next, for it is fair - That Fame, - Seeing her children, should confess she had 'em;-- - "Some _Passages_ from the life of Adam Blair"-- - (Blair is a Scottish name), - What are they, but thy own good roads, M'Adam? - - -VII. - - O! indefatigable labourer - In the paths of men! when thou shalt die, 'twill be - A mark of thy surpassing industry, - That of the monument, which men shall rear - Over thy most inestimable bone, - Thou didst thy very self lay the first stone! - Of a right ancient line thou comest,--through - Each crook and turn we trace the unbroken clue, - Until we see thy sire before our eyes, - Rolling his gravel walks in Paradise! - But he, our great Mac Parent, err'd, and ne'er - Have our walks since been fair! - Yet Time, who, like the merchant, lives on 'Change, - For ever varying, through his varying range, - Time maketh all things even! - In this strange world, turning beneath high heaven! - He hath redeem'd the Adams, and contriv'd-- - (How are Time's wonders hiv'd!) - In pity to mankind, and to befriend 'em-- - (Time is above all praise) - That he, who first did make our evil ways, - Reborn in Scotland, should be first to mend 'em! - - - - -ODE TO THE GREAT UNKNOWN. - -O breathe not his name!--MOORE. - - -I. - - Thou Great Unknown! - I do not mean Eternity nor Death, - That vast incog! - For I suppose thou hast a living breath, - Howbeit we know not from whose lung 'tis blown, - Thou man of fog! - Parent of many children--child of none! - Nobody's son! - Nobody's daughter--but a parent still! - Still but an ostrich parent of a batch - Of orphan eggs,--left to the world to hatch. - Superlative Nil! - A vox and nothing more,--yet not Vauxhall; - A head in papers, yet without a curl! - Not the Invisible Girl! - No hand--but a hand-writing on a wall-- - A popular nonentity, - Still call'd the same,--without identity! - A lark, heard out of sight,-- - A nothing shin'd upon,--invisibly bright, - "Dark with excess of light!" - Constable's literary John-a-nokes-- - The real Scottish wizard--to no which, - Nobody--in a niche; - Every one's hoax! - Maybe Sir Walter Scott-- - Perhaps not! - Why dost thou so conceal and puzzle curious folks? - - -II. - - Thou--whom the second-sighted never saw, - The Master Fiction of fictitious history! - Chief Nong tong paw! - No mister in the world--and yet all mystery! - The "tricksy spirit" of a Scotch Cock Lane-- - A _novel_ Junius puzzling the world's brain-- - A man of magic--yet no talisman! - A man of clair obscure--not him o' the moon! - A star--at noon. - A non-descriptus in a caravan, - A private--of no corps--a northern light - In a dark lantern,--Bogie in a crape-- - A figure--but no shape; - A vizor--and no knight; - The real abstract hero of the age; - The staple Stranger of the stage; - A Some One made in every man's presumption, - Frankenstein's monster--but instinct with gumption; - Another strange state captive in the north, - Constable-guarded in an iron mask-- - Still let me ask, - Hast thou no silver platter, - No door-plate, or no card--or some such matter, - To scrawl a name upon, and then cast forth? - - -III. - - Thou Scottish Barmecide, feeding the hunger - Of Curiosity with airy gammon? - Thou mystery-monger, - Dealing it out like middle cut of salmon, - That people buy and can't make head or tail of it - (Howbeit that puzzle never hurts the sale of it); - Thou chief of authors mystic and abstractical, - That lay their proper bodies on the shelf-- - Keeping thyself so truly to thyself, - Thou Zimmerman made practical! - Thou secret fountain of a Scottish style, - That, like the Nile, - Hideth its source wherever it is bred, - But still keeps disemboguing - (Not disembroguing) - Thro' such broad sandy mouths without a head! - Thou disembodied author--not yet dead,-- - The whole world's literary Absentee! - Ah! wherefore hast thou fled, - Thou learned Nemo--wise to a degree, - Anonymous LL.D.! - - -IV. - - Thou nameless captain of the nameless gang - That do--and inquests cannot say who did it! - Wert thou at Mrs. Donatty's death-pang? - Hast thou made gravy of Wear's watch--or hid it? - Hast thou a Blue Beard chamber? Heaven forbid it! - I should be very loth to see thee hang! - I hope thou hast an alibi well plann'd, - An innocent, altho' an ink-black hand. - Tho' thou hast newly turn'd thy private bolt on - The curiosity of all invaders-- - I hope thou art merely closeted with Colton, - Who knows a little of the _Holy Land_, - Writing thy next new novel--The Crusaders! - - -V. - - Perhaps thou wert even born - To be unknown. Perhaps hung, some foggy morn, - At Captain Coram's charitable wicket, - Penn'd to a ticket - That Fate had made illegible, foreseeing - The future great unmentionable being. - Perhaps thou hast ridden - A scholar poor on St. Augustine's back, - Like Chatterton, and found a dusty pack - Of Rowley novels in an old chest hidden; - A little hoard of clever simulation, - That took the town--and Constable has bidden - Some hundred pounds for a continuation-- - To keep and clothe thee in genteel starvation. - - -VI. - - I liked thy Waverley--first of thy breeding; - I like its modest "sixty years ago," - As if it was not meant for ages' reading. - I don't like Ivanhoe, - Tho' Dymoke does--it makes him think of clattering - In iron overalls before the king, - Secure from battering, to ladies flattering, - Tuning his challenge to the gauntlets' ring-- - Oh better far than all that anvil clang - It was to hear thee touch the famous string - Of Robin Hood's tough bow and make it twang, - Rousing him up, all verdant, with his clan, - Like Sagittarian Pan! - - -VII. - - I like Guy Mannering--but not that sham son - Of Brown. I like that literary Sampson, - Nine-tenths a Dyer, with a smack of Porson. - I like Dirk Hatteraick, that rough sea Orson - That slew the Gauger; - And Dandie Dinmont, like old Ursa Major; - And Merrilies, young Bertram's old defender, - That Scottish Witch of Endor, - That doom'd thy fame. She was the Witch, I take it, - To tell a great man's fortune--or to make it! - - -VIII. - - I like thy Antiquary. With his fit on, - He makes me think of Mr. Britton, - Who has--or had--within his garden wall, - A _miniature Stone Henge_, so very small - The sparrows find it difficult to sit on; - And Dousterswivel, like Poyais' M'Gregor; - And Edie Ochiltree, that old _Blue Beggar_, - Painted so cleverly, - I think thou surely knowest Mrs. Beverly! - I like thy Barber--him that fir'd the _Beacon_-- - But that's a tender subject now to speak on! - - -IX. - - I like long-arm'd Rob Roy. His very charms - Fashion'd him for renown! In sad sincerity, - The man that robs or writes must have long arms, - If he's to hand his deeds down to posterity! - Witness Miss Biffin's posthumous prosperity! - Her poor brown crumpled mummy (nothing more) - Bearing the name she bore, - A thing Time's tooth is tempted to destroy! - But Roys can never die--why else, in verity, - Is Paris echoing with "Vive le _Roy!_" - Ay, Rob shall live again, and deathless Di - Vernon, of course, shall often live again-- - Whilst there's a stone in Newgate, or a chain, - Who can pass by - Nor feel the Thief's in prison and at hand? - There be Old Bailey Jarveys on the stand! - - -X. - - I like thy Landlord's Tales!--I like that Idol - Of love and Lammermoor--the blue-eyed maid - That led to church the mounted cavalcade, - And then pull'd up with such a bloody bridal! - Throwing equestrian Hymen on his haunches-- - I like the family--not silver, branches - That hold the tapers - To light the serious legend of Montrose. - I like M'Aulay's second-sighted vapours, - As if he could not walk or talk alone. - Without the devil--or the Great Unknown-- - Dalgetty is the dearest of Ducrows! - - -XI. - - I like St. Leonard's Lily--drench'd with dew! - I like thy Vision of the Covenanters, - That bloody-minded Graham shot and slew. - I like the battle lost and won, - The hurly-burly's bravely done, - The warlike gallops and the warlike _cant_ers! - I like that girded chieftain of the ranters, - Ready to preach down heathens, or to grapple, - With one eye on his sword, - And one upon the Word-- - How _he_ would cram the Caledonian Chapel! - I like stern Claverhouse, though he doth dapple - His raven steed with blood of many a corse-- - I like dear Mrs. Headrigg, that unravels - Her texts of Scripture on a trotting horse-- - She is so like Rae Wilson when he travels! - - -XII. - - I like thy Kenilworth--but I'm not going - To take a Retrospective Re-Review - Of all thy dainty novels--merely showing - The old familiar faces of a few, - The question to renew, - How thou canst leave such deeds without a name, - Forego the unclaim'd dividends of fame, - Forego the smiles of literary houris-- - Mid Lothian's trump, and Fife's shrill note of praise, - And all the Carse of Gowrie's, - When thou might'st have thy statue in Cromarty-- - Or see thy image on Italian trays, - Betwixt Queen Caroline and Buonaparte, - Be painted by the Titian of R.A.'s, - Or vie in signboards with the Royal Guelph! - Perhaps have thy bust set cheek by jowl with Homer's, - Perhaps send out plaster proxies of thyself - To other Englands with Australian roamers-- - Mayhap, in literary Owhyhee - Displace the native wooden gods, or be - The China-Lar of a Canadian shelf! - - -XIII. - - It is not modesty that bids thee hide-- - She never wastes her blushes out of sight: - It is not to invite - The world's decision, for thy fame is tried,-- - And thy fair deeds are scatter'd far and wide, - Even royal heads are with thy readers reckon'd,-- - From men in trencher caps to trencher scholars - In crimson collars, - And learned serjeants in the forty-second! - Whither by land or sea art thou not beckon'd? - Mayhap exported from the Frith of Forth, - Defying distance and its dim control; - Perhaps read about Stromness, and reckon'd worth - A brace of Miltons for capacious soul-- - Perhaps studied in the whalers, further north, - And set above ten Shakespeares near the pole! - - -XIV. - - Oh, when thou writest by Aladdin's lamp, - With such a giant genius at command, - For ever at thy stamp, - To fill thy treasury from Fairy Land, - When haply thou might'st ask the pearly hand - Of some great British Vizier's eldest daughter, - Tho' princes sought her, - And lead her in procession hymeneal, - Oh, why dost thou remain a Beau Ideal! - Why stay, a ghost, on the Lethean wharf, - Envelop'd in Scotch mist and gloomy fogs? - Why, but because thou art some puny dwarf, - Some hopeless imp, like Riquet with the Tuft, - Fearing, for all thy wit, to be rebuff'd, - Or bullied by our great reviewing Gogs? - - -XV. - - What in this masquing age - Maketh Unknowns so many and so shy? - What but the critic's page? - One hath a cast, he hides from the world's eye, - Another hath a wen--he won't show where; - A third has sandy hair, - A hunch upon his back, or legs awry, - Things for a vile reviewer to espy! - Another hath a mangel-wurzel nose-- - Finally, this is dimpled, - Like a pale crumpet face, or that is pimpled; - Things for a monthly critic to expose-- - Nay, what is thy own case--that being small, - Thou choosest to be nobody at all! - - -XVI. - - Well, thou art prudent, with such puny bones-- - E'en like Elshender, the mysterious elf, - That shadowy revelation of thyself-- - To build thee a small hut of haunted stones-- - For certainly the first pernicious man - That ever saw thee, would quickly draw thee - In some vile literary caravan-- - Shown for a shilling - Would be thy killing. - Think of Crachami's miserable span! - No tinier frame the tiny spark could dwell in - Than there it fell in-- - But when she felt herself a show, she tried - To shrink from the world's eye, poor dwarf! and died! - - -XVII. - - O since it was thy fortune to be born - A dwarf on some Scotch _Inch_, and then to flinch - From all the Gog-like jostle of great men. - Still with thy small crow pen - Amuse and charm thy lonely hours forlorn-- - Still Scottish story daintily adorn, - Be still a shade--and when this age is fled, - When we poor sons and daughters of reality - Are in our graves forgotten and quite dead, - And Time destroys our mottoes of morality, - The lithographic hand of Old Mortality - Shall still restore thy emblem on the stone, - A featureless death's head, - And rob Oblivion ev'n of the Unknown! - - - - -TO SYLVANUS URBAN, ESQUIRE, - -EDITOR OF THE GENTLEMAN'S MAGAZINE. - - Dost thou not suspect my years?-- - - MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. - - -I. - - Oh! Mr. Urban! never must _thou_ lurch - A sober age made serious drunk by thee; - Hop in thy pleasant way from church to church, - And nurse thy little bald Biography. - - -II. - - Oh, my Sylvanus! what a heart is thine! - And what a page attends thee! Long may I - Hang in demure confusion o'er each line - That asks thy little questions with a sigh! - - -III. - - Old tottering years have nodded to their falls, - Like pensioners that creep about and die; - But thou, Old Parr of periodicals, - Livest in monthly immortality! - - -IV. - - How sweet!--as Byron of _his_ infant said,-- - "Knowledge of objects" in thine eye to trace; - To see the mild no-meanings of thy head, - Taking a quiet nap upon thy face! - - -V. - - How dear through thy Obituary to roam, - And not a name of any name to catch! - To meet thy Criticism walking home - Averse from rows, and never calling "Watch!" - - -VI. - - Rich is thy page in soporific things,-- - Composing compositions,--lulling men,-- - Faded old posies of unburied rings,-- - Confessions dozing from an opiate pen:-- - - -VII. - - Lives of Right Reverends that have never liv'd,-- - Deaths of good people that have really died,-- - Parishioners,--hatch'd, husbanded, and wiv'd,-- - Bankrupts and Abbots breaking side by side! - - -VIII. - - The sacred query,--the remote response,-- - The march of serious mind, extremely slow,-- - The graver's cut at some right aged sconce, - Famous for nothing many years ago! - - -IX. - - B. asks of C. if Milton e'er did write - "Comus," obscured beneath some Ludlow lid;-- - And C., next month, an answer doth indite, - Informing B. that Mr. Milton did! - - -X. - - X. sends the portrait of a genuine flea, - Caught upon Martin Luther years agone; - And Mr. Parkes, of Shrewsbury, draws a bee, - Long dead, that gather'd honey for King John. - - -XI. - - There is no end of thee,--there is no end, - Sylvanus, of thy A, B, C, D-merits! - Thou dost, with alphabets, old walls attend, - And poke the letters into holes, like ferrets. - - -XII. - - Go on, Sylvanus!--Bear a wary eye, - The churches cannot yet be quite run out! - Some parishes must yet have been pass'd by,-- - There's Bullock-Smithy has a church no doubt! - - -XIII. - - Go on--and close the eyes of distant ages! - Nourish the names of the undoubted dead! - So epicures shall pick thy lobster-pages, - Heavy and lively, though but seldom _red_. - - -XIV. - - Go on! and thrive! Demurest of odd fellows! - Bottling up dulness in an ancient binn! - Still live! still prose!--continue still to tell us - Old truths! no strangers, though we take them in! - - - - -AN ADDRESS TO THE STEAM WASHING COMPANY. - - _Archer._ How many are there, Scrub? - _Scrub._ Five-and-forty, Sir.--BEAUX STRATAGEM. - - For shame--let the linen alone!--M. W. OF WINDSOR. - - - Mr. Scrub--Mr. Slop--or whoever you be! - The Cock of Steam Laundries,--the head Patentee - Of Associate Cleansers,--chief founder and prime - Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime-- - Co-partners and dealers, in linen's propriety-- - That make washing public--and wash in society-- - O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego, - For a moment, the music that bubbles below,-- - From your new Surrey Geisers[216] all foaming and hot,-- - That soft "_simmer's_ sang" so endear'd to the Scot-- - If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger-- - If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger, - Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub-- - O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub-- - And lend me your ear,--Let me modestly plead - For a race that your labours may soon supersede-- - For a race that, now washing no living affords-- - Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards, - Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease, - Not with bread in the funds--or investments of cheese-- - But to droop like sad willows that liv'd by a stream, - Which the sun has suck'd up into vapour and steam. - Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge - Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge; - When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins, - She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens, - And beginneth her toil while the morn is still grey, - As if she was washing the night into day-- - Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora - Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her; - Not Venus that rose from the billow so early, - Look'd down on the foam with a forehead more _pearly_[217]-- - Her head is involv'd in an aerial mist, - And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist; - Her visage glows warm with the ardour of duty; - She's Industry's moral--she's all moral beauty! - Growing brighter and brighter at every rub-- - Would any man ruin her? No, Mr. Scrub! - No man that is manly would work her mishap-- - No man that is manly would covet her cap-- - Nor her apron--her hose--nor her gown made of stuff-- - Nor her gin, nor her tea, nor her wet pinch of snuff! - Alas! so _she_ thought, but that slippery hope - Has betrayed her, as tho' she had trod on her soap! - And she--whose support, like the fishes that fly, - Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky; - She whose living it was, and a part of her fare, - To be damp'd once a day, like the great white sea bear, - With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop-- - Quite a living absorbent that revell'd in slop-- - She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand, - And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land! - - Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands, - Instead of a counterpane, wringing her hands! - All haggard and pinch'd, going down in life's vale, - With no faggot for burning, like Allan-a-dale! - No smoke from her flue--and no steam from her pane, - Where once she watch'd heaven, fearing God and the rain-- - Or gaz'd o'er her bleach-field so fairly engross'd, - Till the lines wander'd idle from pillar to post! - Ah, where are the playful young pinners--ah, where - The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air-- - The brisk waltzing stockings--the white and the black, - That danc'd on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack-- - The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn'd, - That blew into shape, and embodied the wind! - There was white on the grass--there was white on the spray-- - Her garden--it look'd like a garden of May! - But now all is dark--not a shirt's on a shrub-- - You've ruin'd her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub! - You've ruin'd her custom--now families drop her-- - From her silver reduc'd--nay, reduc'd from her _copper_! - The last of her washing is done at her eye, - One poor little 'kerchief that never gets dry! - From mere lack of linen she can't lay a cloth, - And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth; - But her children come round her as victuals grow scant, - And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want-- - When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed, - And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead, - And even its pearlashes laid in the grave-- - Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave, - And the greatest of coopers, ev'n he that they dub - Sir Astley, can't bind up her heart or her tub,-- - Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub! - Need you wonder, when steam has depriv'd her of bread, - If she prays that the evil may visit _your_ head-- - Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee-- - If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city-- - In short, not to mention all plagues without number, - If she wishes you all in the _Wash_ at the Humber! - - Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair, - When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare-- - When the sum of her suds might be summ'd in a bowl, - And the rusty cold iron quite enter'd her soul-- - When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye - Had caught the "Cock Laundresses' Coach" going by, - Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather, - And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together, - In a lather of passion that froth'd as it rose, - Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose, - On her sheet--if a sheet were still left her--to write, - Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light-- - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 216: Geisers, the boiling springs in Iceland.] - -[Footnote 217: Query, _purly_?--Printer's Devil.] - - - - -LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE - -FROM BRIDGET JONES, - -TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE. - - - It's a shame, so it is,--men can't Let alone - Jobs as is Woman's right to do--and go about there Own-- - Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools - For washing to sit Up,--and push the Old Tubs from their stools! - But your just like the Raddicals,--for upsetting of the Sudds - When the world wagged well enuff--and Wommen washed your old - dirty duds, - I'm Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no stream Ingins, - that's Flat,-- - But I Warrant your Four Fathers went as tidy and gentlemanny for - all that-- - I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle - I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back - when I were little, - And they Said it went with Steem,--But that was a joke! - For I never see none come of it,--that's out of it--but only - sum Smoak-- - And for All your Power of Horses about your Ingins you never had - but Two - In my time to draw you About to Fairs--and curse you, you know - that's true! - And for All your fine Perspectuses,--howsomever you bewhich 'em, - Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum, - Thof I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another - to Do-- - It aant as if a Bird'seye Hankicher can take a Bird'shigh view! - But Thats your lookout--I've not much to do with that--But pleas God - to hold up fine, - Id show you caps and pinners and small things as lillywhit as Ever - crosst the Line - Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place, - And Thats more than you Can--and Ill say it behind your face-- - But when Folks talks of washing, it ant for you too Speak,-- - As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak! - Thinks I, when I heard it--Well thear's a Pretty go! - That comes o' not marking of things, or washing out the marks, and - Huddling 'em up so! - Till Their friends comes and owns them, like drownded corpeses in - a Vault, - But may Hap you havint Larn'd to spel--and that ant your Fault. - Only you ought to leafe the Linnens to them as has larn'd,-- - For if it warnt for Washing,--and whare Bills is concarnd - What's the Yuse, of all the world, for a Wommans Edication, - And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays--fit for any Cityation. - - Well, what I says is This--when every Kittle has its spout, - Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steam about! - To be sure its very Well, when Their ant enuff Wind - For blowing up Boats with,--but not to hurt human kind - Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that's loaded with hot - water, - Thof a Sheriff might know Better, than make things for slaughter, - As if War warnt Cruel enuff--wherever it befalls, - Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot washing balls,-- - But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bear Faced Scrubbs - As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Stream rubbing Clubs, - For washing Dirt Cheap,--and eating other Peple's grubs! - Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea, - But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Bo-He! - They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!) - And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods, - When you and your Steam has ruined (G--d] forgive mee!) their lively - Hoods, - Poor Women as was born to Washing in their youth! - And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth! - But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at-- - They won't do for Angell's--nor any Trade like That, - Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,--for that's all Bespoke,-- - For the Queakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confind Folk - Do their own of Themselves--even the bettermost of em--aye, and even - them of middling degrees-- - Why God help you Babby Linen ant Bread and Cheese! - Nor we can't go a hammering the roads into Dust, - But we must all go and be Bankers,--and that's what we must! - God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects, - When you nose you have suck'd us and hanged round our Mutherly necks, - And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing-- - You ant, curse you, like Men to go a slushing and sloshing - In mob caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers - And prettily jear'd At you great Horse God Meril things, ant you now - by you next door neighbours-- - Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up - No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp-- - And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round - They'll scruntch your Bones some day--I'll be bound - And no more nor be a gudgement,--for it cant come to good - To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,--nor not fit It should, - For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation, - Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of Creation-- - And can't be dun without in any Country But a Hottinpot Nation. - Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs - And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs-- - But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nayther Bybills - or Good Tracks, - Or youd know better than Taking the Close off one's Backs-- - And let your neighbours oxin and Asses alone,-- - And every Thing thats hern,--and give every one their Hone! - - Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself, - And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf, - But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe - And pull off Your Pattins,--and leave the washing to we - That nose what's what--Or mark what I say, - Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day-- - When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their ant nun at all, - And Crist mass cum--and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall, - Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare - Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite in his Chare-- - Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to - wash (for you dont wash) but to stew - And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew - With a vast more like That,--and all along of Steam - Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam-- - But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good, - And I cant say I'm Sorry afore God if you shoud, - For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways - Without taking ourn,--aye, and Moor to your Prays - If You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt, - But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt! - - Yourn with Anymocity, - - BRIDGET JONES. - - - - -ODE TO R. W. ELLISTON, ESQUIRE, - -THE GREAT LESSEE! - - _Rover._ Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the - greatest man living?--WILD OATS. - - -I. - - Oh! Great Lessee! Great Manager! Great Man! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! Immortal Pan - Of all the pipes that play in Drury Lane! - Macready's master! Westminster's high _Dane_! - As Galway Martin, in the House's walls, - Hamlet and Doctor Ireland justly calls! - Friend to the sweet and ever-smiling Spring! - Magician of the lamp and prompter's ring! - Drury's Aladdin! Whipper-in of Actors, - Kicker of rebel-preface-malefactors! - Glass-blowers' corrector! King of the cheque-taker! - At once Great Leamington and Winston-Maker! - Dramatic Bolter of plain Bunns and cakes! - In silken _hose_ the most reform'd of _Rakes_! - Oh, Lord High Elliston! lend me an ear! - (Poole is away, and Williams shall keep clear) - While I, in little slips of prose, not verse, - Thy splendid course, as pattern-work, rehearse! - - -II. - - Bright was thy youth--thy manhood brighter still-- - The greatest Romeo upon Holborn Hill-- - Lightest comedian of the pleasant day, - When Jordan threw her sunshine o'er a play! - But these, though happy, were but subject times, - And no man cares for bottom-steps that climbs-- - Far from my wish it is to stifle down - The hours that saw thee snatch the Surrey crown! - Tho' now thy hand a mightier sceptre wields, - Fair was thy reign in sweet St. George's Fields. - Dibdin was _Premier_--and a golden _age_ - For a short time enrich'd the subject stage. - Thou hadst, than other Kings, more peace-and-plenty; - Ours but one Bench could boast, but thou hadst twenty; - But the times changed--and Booth-acting no more - Drew Rulers' shillings to the gallery door. - Thou didst, with bag and baggage, wander thence, - Repentant, like thy neighbour Magdalens! - - -III. - - Next, the Olympic Games were tried, each feat - Practis'd, the most bewitching in Wych Street. - Charles had his royal ribaldry restor'd, - And in a downright neighbourhood drank and whor'd; - Rochester there in dirty ways again - Revell'd--and liv'd once more in Drury Lane: - But thou, R. W.! kept thy moral ways, - Pit-lecturing 'twixt the farces and the plays, - A lamplight Irving to the butcher boys - That soil'd the benches and that made a noise:-- - "YOU,--in the back!--can scarcely hear a line! - Down from those benches--butchers--they are MINE!" - - -IV. - - Lastly--and thou wert built for it by nature!-- - Crown'd was thy head in Drury Lane Th_ea_tre! - Gentle George Robins saw that it was good, - And renters cluck'd around thee in a brood. - King thou wert made of Drury and of Kean! - Of many a lady and of many a Quean! - With Poole and Larpent was thy reign begun-- - But now thou turnest from the Dead and Dun, - Hook's in thine eye, to write thy plays, no doubt, - And Colman lives to cut the damnlet's out! - Oh, worthy of the house! the King's commission! - Isn't thy condition "a most bless'd condition?" - Thou reignest over Winston, Kean, and all - The very lofty and the very small-- - Showest the plumbless Bunn the way to kick-- - Keepest a Williams for thy veriest stick-- - Seest a Vestris in her sweetest moments, - Without the danger of newspaper comments-- - Tellest Macready, as none dared before, - Thine open mind from the half-open door!-- - (Alas! I fear he has left Melpomene's crown, - To be a Boniface in Buxton town!)-- - Thou hold'st the watch, as half-price people know, - And callest to them, to a moment, "Go!" - Teachest the sapient Sapio how to sing-- - Hangest a cat most oddly by the wing-- - Hast known the length of a Cubitt-foot--and kiss'd - The pearly whiteness of a Stephens' wrist-- - Kissing and pitying--tender and humane! - "By heaven she loves me! Oh, it is too plain!" - A sigh like this thy trembling passion slips, - Dimpling the warm Madeira at thy lips! - - -V. - - Go on, Lessee! Go on, and prosper well! - Fear not, though forty glass-blowers should rebel-- - Show them how thou hast long befriended them, - And teach Dubois _their_ treason to condemn! - Go on! addressing pits in prose and worse! - Be long, be slow, be anything but terse-- - Kiss to the gallery the hand that's glov'd-- - Make Bunn the Great, and Winston the Belov'd, - Go on--and but in this reverse the thing, - Walk backward with wax lights before the King-- - Go on! Spring ever in thine eye! Go on! - Hope's favourite child! ethereal Elliston! - - - - -ODE TO RICHARD MARTIN, ESQUIRE, - -M.P. FOR GALWAY. - - -I. - - How many sing of wars, - Of Greek and Trojan jars-- - The butcheries of men! - The Muse hath a "Perpetual Ruby Pen!" - Dabbling with heroes and the blood they spill; - But no one sings the man - That, like a pelican, - Nourishes Pity with his tender _Bill_! - - -II. - - Thou Wilberforce of hacks! - Of whites as well as blacks, - Piebald and dapple gray, - Chestnut and bay-- - No poet's eulogy thy name adorns! - But oxen, from the fens, - Sheep--in their pens, - Praise thee, and red cows with their winding horns! - Thou art sung on brutal pipes! - Drovers may curse thee, - Knackers asperse thee, - And sly M.P.'s bestow their cruel wipes; - But the old horse neighs thee, - And zebras praise thee, - Asses, I mean--that have as many stripes! - - -III. - - Hast thou not taught the drover to forbear, - In Smithfield's muddy, murderous, vile environ,-- - Staying his lifted bludgeon in the air! - Bullocks don't wear - _Oxide_ of iron! - The cruel Jarvy thou hast summon'd oft, - Enforcing mercy on the coarse Yahoo, - That thought his horse the _courser_ of the two-- - Whilst Swift smiled down aloft!-- - O worthy pair! for this, when ye inhabit - Bodies of birds--(if so the spirit shifts - From flesh to feather)--when the clown uplifts - His hand against the sparrow's nest, to _grab_ it,-- - He shall not harm the MARTINS and the _Swifts_! - - -IV. - - Ah! when Dean Swift was _quick_, how he enhanc'd - The horse!--and humbled biped man like Plato! - But now he's dead, the charger is mischanc'd-- - Gone backward in the world--and not advanc'd,-- - Remember Cato! - Swift was the horse's champion--not the King's, - Whom Southey sings, - Mounted on Pegasus--would he were thrown! - He'll wear that ancient hackney to the bone, - Like a mere clothes-horse airing royal things! - Ah well-a-day! the ancients did not use - Their steeds so cruelly!--let it debar men - From wanton rowelling and whip's abuse-- - Look at the ancients' _Muse_! - Look at their _Carmen_! - - -V. - - O, Martin! how thine eye-- - That one would think had put aside its lashes,-- - That can't bear gashes - Thro' any horse's side, must ache to spy - That horrid window fronting Fetter Lane,-- - For there's a nag the crows have pick'd for victual, - Or some man painted in a bloody vein-- - Gods! is there no _Horse-spital_! - That such raw shows must sicken the humane! - Sure Mr. Whittle - Loves thee but little, - To let that poor horse linger in his _pane_! - - -VI. - - O build a Brookes's Theatre for horses! - O wipe away the national reproach-- - And find a decent Vulture for their corses! - And in thy funeral track - Four sorry steeds shall follow in each coach! - Steeds that confess "the luxury of _wo_!" - True mourning steeds, in no extempore black, - And many a wretched hack - Shall sorrow for thee,--sore with kick and blow - And bloody gash--it is the Indian knack-- - (Save that the savage is his own tormentor)-- - Banting shall weep too in his sable scarf-- - The biped woe the quadruped shall enter, - And Man and Horse go half and half, - As if their grief's met in a common _Centaur_! - - - - -ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D. - -_Author of the Cook's Oracle--Observations on Vocal Music--the Art of -Invigorating and Prolonging Life--Practical Observations on Telescopes, -Opera Glasses, and Spectacles--the Housekeeper's Ledger--and the Pleasure -of Making a Will._ - - I rule the roast, as Milton says!--CALEB QUOTEM. - - -I. - - Hail! multifarious man! - Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton! - Born to enlighten - The laws of optics, peptics, music, cooking-- - Master of the piano--and the pan-- - As busy with the kitchen as the skies! - Now looking - At some rich stew thro' Galileo's eyes, - Or boiling eggs--timed to a metronome-- - As much at home - In spectacles as in mere isinglass-- - In the art of frying brown--as a digression - On music and poetical expression,-- - Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas! - Could tell Calliope from "Calliopee!" - How few there be - Could leave the lowest for the highest stories, - (Observatories,) - And turn, like thee, Diana's calculator, - However _cook's_ synonymous with _Kater_![218] - Alas! still let me say, - How few could lay - The carving-knife beside the tuning-fork, - Like the proverbial _Jack_ ready for any work! - - -II. - - Oh, to behold thy features in thy book! - Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate, - How it would look! - With one rais'd eye watching the dial's date, - And one upon the roast, gently cast down-- - Thy chops--done nicely brown-- - The garnish'd brow--with "a few leaves of bay"-- - The hair--"done Wiggy's way!" - And still one studious finger near thy brains, - As if thou wert just come - From editing some - New soup--or hashing Dibdin's cold remains! - Or, Orpheus-like--fresh from thy dying strains - Of music--Epping luxuries of sound, - As Milton says, "in many a bout - Of linked sweetness long drawn out," - Whilst all thy tame stuff'd leopards listen'd round! - - -III. - - Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal, - Standing like Fortune,--on the jack--thy wheel. - (Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes, - Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!) - Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges, - As tho' it were the same to sing or fry-- - Nay, so it is--hear how Miss Paton's throat - Makes "fritters" of a note! - And is not reading near akin to feeding, - Or why should Oxford sausages be fit - Receptacles for wit? - Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart, - Minc'd brains into a tart? - Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts, - Book-treats, - Equally to instruct the cook and cram her-- - Receipts to be devour'd, as well as read, - The culinary art in gingerbread-- - The Kitchen's _Eaten_ Grammar! - - -IV. - - Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page-- - Ay, very pleasant in its chatty vein-- - So--in a kitchen--would have talk'd Montaigne, - That merry Gascon--humorist, and sage! - Let slender minds with single themes engage, - Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,-- - Or Lovelass upon Wills,--thou goest on - Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson! - Thy brain is like a rich kaleidoscope, - Stuff'd with a brilliant medley of odd bits, - And ever shifting on from change to change, - Saucepans--old songs--pills--spectacles--and spits! - Thy range is wider than a Rumford range! - Thy grasp a miracle!--till I recall - Th' indubitable cause of thy variety-- - Thou art, of course, th' epitome of all - That spying--frying--singing--mix'd Society - Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet - Welsh Rabbits--and thyself--in Warren Street! - - -V. - - Oh, hast thou still those conversazioni, - Where learned visitors discoursed--and fed? - There came Belzoni, - Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead-- - And gentle Poki--and that royal pair, - Of whom thou didst declare-- - "Thanks to the greatest _Cooke_ we ever read-- - They were--what _Sandwiches_ should be--half _bred_!" - There fam'd M'Adam from his manual toil - Relax'd--and freely own'd he took thy hints - On "making _broth_ with _flints_"-- - There Parry came, and show'd the polar oil - For melted butter--Coombe with his medullary - Notions about the _scullery_, - And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil-- - There witty Rogers came, that punning elf! - Who used to swear thy book - Would really look - A _Delphic_ "Oracle," if laid on _Delf_-- - There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss'd - His own--and thy own--"_Magazine_ of _Taste_"-- - There Wilberforce the Just - Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac'd - Thy sly advice to _poachers_ of black folks, - That "do not break their _yolks_,"-- - Which huff'd him home, in grave disgust and haste! - - -VI. - - There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore - Thy _patties_--thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore, - Who call'd thee _Kitchen Addison_--for why? - Thou givest rules for health and peptic pills, - Forms for made dishes, and receipts for wills, - "_Teaching us how to live and how to die!_" - There came thy cousin-cook, good Mrs. Fry-- - There Trench, the Thames projector, first brought on - His sine _Quay_ non,-- - There Martin would drop in on Monday eves, - Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath - 'Gainst cattle days and death,-- - Answer'd by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves, - Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager - For fighting on soup meagre-- - "And yet (as thou wouldst add) the French have seen - A Marshal _Tureen_!" - - -VII. - - Great was thy evening cluster!--often grac'd - With Dollond--Burgess--and Sir Humphry Davy! - 'Twas there M'Dermot first inclin'd to taste,-- - There Colburn learn'd the art of making paste - For puffs--and Accum analysed a gravy. - Colman, the cutter of Colman Street, 'tis said - Came there, and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head, - (His claim to letters)--Kater, too, the Moon's - Crony,--and Graham, lofty on balloons, - There Croly stalk'd with holy humour heated, - (Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed), - And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ, - And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons, - Madame Valbreque thrice honour'd thee, and came - With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,-- - And even Irving spar'd a night from fame, - And talk'd--till thou didst stop him in the middle, - To serve round _Tewah-diddle_![219] - - -VIII. - - Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye! - So let them:--thou thyself art still a _Host_! - Dibdin--Cornaro--Newton--Mrs. Fry! - Mrs. Glasse--Mr. Spec!--Lovelass--and Weber, - Mathews in Quotem--Moore's fire-worshipping Gheber-- - Thrice-worthy worthy! seem by thee engross'd! - Howbeit the peptic cook still rules the roast, - Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,-- - And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion! - Thou art, sans question, - The Corporation's love--its Doctor _Darling_! - Look at the civic palate--nay, the bed - Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying - "Illustrations of _Lying!"_ - Ninety square feet of down from heel to head - It measured, and I dread - Was haunted by a terrible night _Mare_, - A monstrous burthen on the corporation!-- - Look at the bill of fare, for one day's share, - Sea-turtles by the score--oxen by droves, - Geese, turkeys, by the flock--fishes and loaves - Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation - Was making up the huge man-mountain's ration! - - -IX. - - Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven - The squatting demon from great Garratt's breast-- - (His honour seems to rest!--) - And what is thy reward?--Hath London given - Thee public thanks for thy important service? - Alas! not even - The tokens it bestow'd on Howe and Jervis!-- - Yet could I speak as orators should speak - Before the worshipful the Common Council - (Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill), - Thou shouldst not miss thy freedom, for a week, - Richly engross'd on vellum:--Reason urges - That he who rules our cookery--that he - Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be - A _Citizen_, where sauce can make a _Burgess_! - - -THE END. - - -FOOTNOTES: - -[Footnote 218: Captain Kater, the Moon's Surveyor.] - -[Footnote 219: The Doctor's composition for a _nightcap_.] - - - - - PRINTED BY BALLANTYNE, HANSON AND CO. - LONDON AND EDINBURGH - - - - -ROUTLEDGE'S EXCELSIOR SERIES - -OF STANDARD AUTHORS, - -Without Abridgment, Crown 8vo, 2s. each, in cloth. - - - 1 The Wide, Wide World, by Miss Wetherell. - - 2 Melbourne House, by Miss Wetherell. - - 3 The Lamplighter, by Miss Cummins. - - 4 Stepping Heavenward, and Aunt Jane's Hero, by E. 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Knight, large type edition, with full-page - illustrations, vol. 1. - 94 ---- vol. 2. 95 ---- vol. 3. - 96 The Spectator, large type ed., vol. 1. - 97 ---- vol. 2. 98 ---- vol. 3. - 99 R. W. Emerson's Complete Works. - 100 Boswell's Life of Johnson and Tour to the Hebrides, vol. 1. - 101 ---- vol. 2. 102 ---- vol. 3. - 103 S. Knowles' Dramatic Works. - 104 Roscoe's (W.) Lorenzo de Medici. - 105 ---- (W.) Life of Leo X., vol. 1. - 106 ---- vol. 2. - 107 Berington's Literary History of the Middle Ages. - - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - | | - | Transcriber Notes: | - | | - | P.5: 'INTRODUTION' changed to 'INTRODUCTION'. | - | P.83. 'beesech' changed to 'beseech'. | - | P.103. 'quetions' changed to 'questions'. | - | P.111. 'Futnre' changed to 'future'. | - | P.145. 'acqaintance' changed to 'acquaintance'. | - | P.187. 'Queeen' changed to 'Queen'. | - | P.188. '-cophronio' changed to '-cophornio | - | P.281. 'surpise' changed to 'surprise'. | - | Fixed various punctuation. | - | The equals sign is used to surround =bold text=; | - | underscores to surround _italic text_. | - | | - +--------------------------------------------------------------+ - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Burlesque Plays and Poems, by -Henry Morley and Geoffrey Chaucer and George Villiers and John Philips and Henry Fielding - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK BURLESQUE PLAYS AND POEMS *** - -***** This file should be named 53606.txt or 53606.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/3/6/0/53606/ - -Produced by Susan Skinner, Jane Robins and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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