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diff --git a/old/60829-8.txt b/old/60829-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 16c7178..0000000 --- a/old/60829-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1326 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Upside-Down Captain, by Jim Harmon - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: The Upside-Down Captain - -Author: Jim Harmon - -Release Date: December 2, 2019 [EBook #60829] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UPSIDE-DOWN CAPTAIN *** - - - - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - The Upside-Down Captain - - By JIM HARMON - - _He knew the captain would be a monster. - He knew the crew would be rough. He knew - all about space travel--except the truth!_ - - [Transcriber's Note: This etext was produced from - Worlds of If Science Fiction, March 1960. - Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that - the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed.] - - - I - -"Excuse me, please," Ben Starbuck said, tapping the junior officer on -the epaulet. - -"Get away from me, scum," the lieutenant said conversationally, his -eyes on the clipboard in his hands. - -Starbuck rocked back on his heels and set his spacebag down on -the loading platform. He angled his head up at the spire of the -inter-atmosphere ship, the _Gorgon_. This was only a sample of what he -could expect once he canted into that hull. It would be rough. But he -had made up his mind to take it. - -All tight little groups, like the crew of a spaceship, always resented -the intrusion of a newcomer. The initiations sometimes made it a test -to see whether a man would live over them, and the probation period, -the time of discipline and deference to old members of the group could -be a memorably nasty experience. He didn't have direct knowledge of -such customs in the rather shadowy, enigmatic Space Service, but it was -basic sociology. - -Starbuck knew he would have an even rougher time of it since he wasn't -a spaceman--not even a cadet, properly. He was only a fledgling -ethnologist on his field trip to gather material for his Master's -thesis. The university and the government had arranged for his berth on -the _Gorgon_. - -An exploration ship, he thought acidly. That meant he might come back -in a few months, or ten years, or never. All because he had the bad -luck to be born in a cultural cycle that demanded hard standards of -education from professional men. Thirty years before or after, he could -have cribbed all the information he needed out of a book. - - * * * * * - -He stood with his hands clasped behind him, waiting for the lieutenant -or somebody to deign to notice him. Somebody would _have_ to pay some -attention to him sooner or later. - -Or would they? - -Wouldn't it be just like the old timers to let him stand around and -let the ship take off without him, all because he hadn't followed -the proper procedure--a procedure he couldn't know? All he had been -instructed to do was "report to the _Gorgon_." How do you report to a -spaceship? Say, "Hello, spaceship?" Speak to the captain? The first -mate? And where did he find them? - -Starbuck felt a moment of panic. He could see himself standing on the -platform while the _Gorgon_ blasted off, carrying with it his Swabber's -rating, his Master's degree and his future. - -The lieutenant's back, in uniform black, loomed up before him. He would -have to try approaching him again. It might mean solitary confinement -for a month or two where no member of the crew would speak to him. It -might even mean a flogging. Nobody knew much about what went on on -board an exploration ship, despite all the stories. But Starbuck knew -he would have to risk it. - -He marched up behind the officer. "Sir," he said. "I'm the new man." - -The lieutenant whirled. "The new man!" - -For the first time, Starbuck noticed that the junior officer carried -a swagger stick under his left arm, black, about a foot and a half -long, tipped with silver at both ends. Quite possibly it was standard -procedure to rap a man with it three times sharply across the mouth for -speaking out of turn, during his probationary period. Cautiously, he -filled a little pocket of air between his lips and his teeth to try to -keep them from being knocked loose. - -The lieutenant dropped his clipboard and swagger stick on the platform. -"Why didn't you say so! New man, eh?" He gripped Starbuck by the -shoulders of his new, store-bought uniform. "Let me look at you, son. -Got some muscles there, haven't you? Ha, ha. Don't expect you'll need -them too much on board. We don't work our men too hard. My name's Sam -Frawley. Call me Sam. Come on, let me show you around." - -Sam Frawley scooped up his stick and board with one hand and draped the -other arm around Starbuck's shoulders, leading him towards a hoist. - -It was not quite what Starbuck had expected for a reception. - - * * * * * - -The spaceship was _big_, bigger than Starbuck had expected or realized. -He had known some well-fixed people who had visited Mars and Venus -and talked knowingly of an older culture, but he had never been off -of Earth himself. He had been thinking in terms of an airliner or a -submarine. The _Gorgon_ was more like an ocean liner. Or like an ocean. - -His and the lieutenant's footsteps echoed and bounced around the huge -corridor. "They haven't got the mats down yet," Sam Frawley explained. - -"Sure." - -"Well, what would you like to see first? The brain?" - -"You mean the captain?" - -Sam slapped him on the back. "Bless you, son, no. I mean the electronic -brain. The cybernetic calculator." - -"You've got one of those things?" Starbuck asked in unconcealed -surprise. - -"You know what the trouble with the human race is, Ben? We're all still -living in the Ellisonian Age." - -"Oh, I don't know. I think most of us are pretty sophisticated and -modern," Starbuck said. - -"Not on your life. Most people still think leisure is a sin. Hard work -and more hard work, that's the ticket. Don't let a calculator solve -a problem for you; do it yourself with a slipstick. Otherwise it's -immoral." - -"That's silly," Ben said awkwardly. "It's just a throwback to a time of -protest against the Automational Revolution. It has nothing to do with -us today." - -"You _say_ that, but you don't really believe it. The old morality -is too deeply ingrained. That's why cybernetics have so long been out -of fashion. This one is new to us on the _Gorgon_. But we like _new_ -things. We're for _progress_. All spacemen are like that, son." - -"Have you had this machine long?" Starbuck asked his progressive -officer. - -"They installed it on the trip in. We've never really had a chance to -use it." - -"What's it supposed to do?" - -"You know our job is exploration, finding new worlds," Sam explained. -"Not just any world the human race hasn't landed upon, but a world -that is a significantly different type than we've ever touched before. -We're really the advance guard of humanity, you see. Well, the brain -is programmed with information on _all_ the worlds Man has explored. -It compares a prospective landing site with what it knows about all -the rest, and rejects all but the really different, unique planets. It -loves the unknown. Its pleasure circuits get a real jolt out of finding -an unknown quantity." - -"That brain is really inhuman," Starbuck said. "A basic factor of human -psychology is that all men fear and dislike the unknown." - -Sam rubbed his chin. "I suppose so, but--you asked about the captain. -This is him." - - * * * * * - -A tall, iron-haired man was coming down the corridor. He was holding -the ankle of his right foot in his hand, and hopping along on his left -leg, whistling some little sing-song through his teeth. - -He stopped whistling when he saw them and said, "Good afternoon, men." - -Frawley framed a sloppy salute. "'Afternoon, sir. May I present the new -man, Swabber Ben Starbuck, sir." - -The captain stood on both feet and rocked back and forth. "I see, I -see. New man, eh? We see so few new faces, cooped up on this old ship -with the same men, you know. We appreciate a stranger, Starbuck. If you -ever need help, Ben, I want you to look upon me not as your commanding -officer, but, well, a father. Will you do that?" - -"Yes, sir," Ben murmured, feeling a little giddy. - -Frawley cleared his throat. "I was about to show young Ben the brain, -Captain Birdsel." - -"Good idea," the commanding officer said. "But I'll show Ben around -myself, Lieutenant Frawley. You may return to checking the manifest." - -Frawley glowered. "One of these days, one of these days...." - -The captain snapped very erect. "One of these days _what_?" - -The junior officer shrugged. "One of these days, there may be a dark -night, Captain." - -The iron-haired man reached out a manicured hand and twisted -Frawley's tunic at the collar. He brought his face level with the -second-in-command. "One of these times, there may be charges of mutiny, -Lieutenant. And guess who will play Jack Ketch personally?" - -Frawley assumed an at-attention pose, and blinked. "Aye, sir. There may -be a mutiny and somebody may get hung." - -Birdsel shoved Frawley away from him and wiped his hand elaborately -down his side. "That will be all, Mister Frawley." - -Frawley constructed the same excuse for a salute, turned smartly and -marched away. - -Starbuck developed a definite suspicion that there were currents of -tension aboard which he didn't understand. - - * * * * * - -"This is the brain," the captain said, with a gesture. - -The brain was less than awe-inspiring. The mustard-seed cryotron relays -were comfortably housed in a steel and aluminum hide no roomier than -a pair of Earthside bureaus. It looked a bit like a home clothing -processor to Starbuck. - -Birdsel crossed to the machine and ran a hand along its metal side. -"Magnificent, isn't it, Ben? I've never seen anything like it before -in my long career in the Space Service." - -"It's certainly nice," Starbuck ventured. - -Metallic chattering burst out. - -"It's saying something, Ben! This is the first time it's talked since -the second day after it was installed!" - -The message was clearly legible, spelled out in a pattern of dots on a -central screen. - -WHO IS THE NEW ONE? - -"Give it the information," the captain said hastily. "We feed it all -the information it asks for." - -"How?" Starbuck blurted. "Is there a keyboard or something?" - -"Yes, yes, but it has audio scanners. Just talk. Or move your lips. -Send signals. Tap out Morse. Anything." - -"I'm Benjamin Starbuck," he said. - -The screen rearranged. MEANINGLESS COMMUNICATION. INSUFFICIENT DATA. - -"Quick," Birdsel said, "do you have your IDQ file on you?" - -Starbuck fished in his pocket for the microfilm slide. "Yes--aye, aye, -sir. I had it ready to give to you, sir." - -"Never mind me. Give it to the brain!" - -Starbuck approached the machine, saw a likely looking slot and shoved. - -The brain ruminated with some theatrical racket. INSUFFICIENT DATA. - -"What do you want to know?" Starbuck swallowed, saying. - -MANY THINGS. - -"Remember I'm a human being," he said respectfully. "I have to eat and -sleep. I can't answer questions for two or three days straight." - -I AM AWARE OF HUMAN LIMITATIONS, AND THEIR EFFECTS, SWABBER STARBUCK. - -"Sorry." - -Captain Birdsel looked vaguely distressed. "You should try to -co-operate with the brain, my boy." - -"I have nothing against cybernetic calculators," Ben said. "After all, -we aren't still in the Ellisonian Age. But I'd like to, uh, stow my -spacebag and get settled, sir." - -NO FURTHER QUESTIONS AT THIS TIME. RETURN HERE AT THIS TIME TOMORROW. - -"He's interested in you, Ben," the captain said enthusiastically. "This -is the first time he's asked about anybody since the second day. Yes, -interested!" - -With an excess of enthusiasm, Captain Birdsel clapped his hands, then -put them flat on the deck and stood on his head, kicking his heels in -the air. - -He straightened up with a scarlet face. "Ah. That really gets the -kinks out of you, Ben." - -Starbuck tried not to stare. "Aye, sir." - -The captain took a step and grabbed the small of his back. "Haven't -done it in some time, though. Ought to do it more often, eh, Ben?" - -"I suppose so, sir." - -"Well," Birdsel said, clapping his hands together. - -_My God_, Starbuck thought, _he's not going to do it again._ - -"Well," the captain continued, still on both feet, "I'd better show you -to your quarters, my boy. Mind if I lean on your shoulder a bit like -this?" - -"Not at all, Captain." - -"This way, Ben, this way." - - - II - -Starbuck found the array of tridi pin-ups on the bulkheads of -the crew's quarters refreshing, as was the supportive babble of -conversation about them and other women. He had almost begun to think -there was something unnatural about the men aboard the _Gorgon_. - -But Starbuck noticed, to his discomfort, the ebbing of the tide of -conversation from the bunks as he stepped inside with his spacebag. - -For the moment, he wished Captain Birdsel had paced in with him -and offered up an introduction. But a look of disgust had creased -Birdsel's face as they got near the crew's compartment. He had sent -Starbuck on alone, while he limped back towards the bridge. - -A forest of eyes shined out at him from the shadowed desks of the -bunks. This is it, he thought. These were the crew, not officers. -Sometimes the teachers were nice to you on the first day of school but -you knew you were going to get it from the other kids. - -"Hi," a gruff voice echoed up at him from a lower bunk. - -"Hello," Starbuck said, hugging his spacebag like a teddy-bear, the -simile crossed his mind. - -A lumbering giant with a blue jaw uncoiled from the lower bunk. -"Why don't you stow your bag here, buddy? Till you get used to the -centrifugal grav, you may have some trouble climbing top-side." - -"You've got the seniority," Starbuck said cautiously. "I wouldn't want -to cause you any trouble." - -"No trouble," Blue Jaw said obligingly. - -He chinned himself with one hand on the rim of the upper bunk and swung -his torso around a tidy 180° to settle onto the blankets. - -Starbuck threw his bag at the foot and sat down on the bed. He looked -around at the arena of faces in neutral positions, waiting faces. He -cleared his throat experimentally. - -"Could I ask you something?" he called upstairs. - -A set of big feet swung down into view. "Sure," Blue Jaw said -enthusiastically. "Didn't know you wanted to talk. Thought you might -want to rest." - -Starbuck looked at the hanging feet. They were expressionless. - -"Maybe it isn't so much of a question," he said, working one hand into -the other palm. "It's just that I'd like to live through this mission. -I know I'm not a regular spaceman and I'm intruding and all, but I -don't mean to cause anybody any trouble or do anyone out of a job. I'd -just like to do everything I can to see that I don't slip and fall into -the reactor. Or anything like that...." - -"Don't worry," Blue Jaw said heartily. "We'll take care of you, Ben -Starbuck." - -Somehow Starbuck could find little comfort in those words. - -He inhaled deeply. "Come on down here, will you?" - -"You want _me_ down there?" Blue Jaw gasped. "Why sure, sure." - -The giant dropped to the deck with a catlike grace that nevertheless -vibrated Ben's rear teeth. - -"You want to talk about something?" the big spaceman inquired. Ben -could almost see the paws hanging down and the tail wagging eagerly. - - * * * * * - -"Yeah," Starbuck said. "I'd like to talk about all of these men staring -at me. What's wrong with them? Nobody's said a word to me but you. -What are they waiting for? What are they going to do? I can't stand -the suspense. Is that it? I get the silent treatment until I go off my -rocker, get violent, and then something happens to me--" He stopped and -swallowed. He was talking too much. He was working himself up into a -state of terror. - -"Say, you sure are _friendly_," the ox said with some confusion. "My -name's Percy Kettleman." - -Starbuck steadied his hand and put it in Percy's grasp. It came out -whole. - -"Those other fellows," Percy inclined his head. - -"What about them?" Starbuck asked edgily. - -"They'd probably like to come over and say 'hello' but them and me -don't get along so good. They know better than to come around bothering -me." - -"You're not on their side? You wouldn't be a new man too, Percy?" - -"Me? Hell, I've been spacing since I was sixteen. Those guys don't have -any side. A bunch of anti-social slobs. They can't stand each other any -more than I can stand any of them." - -Starbuck decided he had picked a good ally in the midst of a pack of -lone wolves. Percy was the biggest man on board, physically. Still he -didn't like the idea of all the rest of crew looking daggers at him, or -throwing them, for that matter. - -"Mind if I say 'hello' to the rest of the men?" he inquired of Percy. - -"It's your nickel," gruffly. "Spend it the way you want." - -Starbuck flexed an elbow. "Hello there, fellows. Looks to be a taut -ship." It sounded a shade inane. Starbuck had barely passed Socializing -at the university. But the men replied in good spirits, their faces -blooming with teeth, arms waggling, calling out modest insults. - -Starbuck recalled that among a certain class of men an insult was a -good-natured compliment in negative translation. - -"_Pssst._" - -"Pssst?" Starbuck asked. - -Kettleman passed him down half a roll of white tablet underhand. - -Starbuck took it. "Tums?" - -"Tranquils. We smuggle them on board. Helps with the blastoff and -'phasing' for the overdrive. Not that those stiffnecked brass will -believe it." - -"Thanks, Kettleman. You and everybody seems to be pretty helpful to me. -I don't know exactly what I've done to deserve it." - -"We get tired of looking at the same faces out there month after -month. It's a treat to have somebody new on hand." - -It sounded reasonable to him, but he felt there was something more to -it than that. Well, he was an ethnologist, or almost one. He could -figure out group behavior. All he had to do was take time to think -about the problem for a little while.... - -Only he didn't have time to think. - -He discovered why everybody was in their bunks. - -The spaceship fired its atomic drive. - -Starbuck tried to lift a tranquil to his lips. He didn't make it. - -Painfully, he found out why a man would prefer to go through a -spaceship takeoff in a tranquilized condition. - - * * * * * - -"Come," the captain said. - -Starbuck palmed back the door to the captain's cabin and stepped inside. - -Captain Birdsel stood in front of the small wall mirror tattooing a -flying dragon on his bared chest. "Yes? What is it, Ben?" - -"Sir, you remember that the ship's brain directed me to return at this -time today. But I understand I'll have to have your permission to go -onto that part of the bridge." - -"The brain's directive was quite enough, my boy." He laid down the -needle. "But I'll accompany you there if you like." - -"Just as you wish, sir." - -Birdsel smiled engagingly. "Noticed the dragon, did you?" - -"It arrested my attention, yes, sir," Starbuck admitted. - -"The hours are long and lonely in the vaults of space, Ben. A man needs -a variety of interests to occupy himself. I have recently taken up the -ancient art of tattooing." - -"Surely not recently, sir. You seem quite advanced." - -"You're too kind." - -The captain escorted Starbuck to the chamber of the brain, discussing -tattooing animatedly. He told how it was popular with ancient mariners -on the seas of Earth. He discussed the artistic significance of the -basic forms--the Heart and Arrow, the Nude, the Flag. He didn't stop -talking and button his shirt even after they entered the cybernetics -room. - -As the captain grasped for his second wind, Starbuck turned to the -machine. "I'm here, Calculator." - -The lights patterned words with a speed difficult to follow. - -REDUNDANCY. CANCEL. ANALYSIS: SOCIAL MORE. I SEE THAT YOU ARE HERE. IT -IS GOOD THAT YOU ARE NOT THERE OR ELSEWHERE, BUT THAT HERE YOU ARE. -HERE ARE YOU. - -Starbuck shifted his weight to the other foot. "Yes, I'm sure here all -right." - -WHAT DID YOU DO WHILE YOU WERE NOT HERE? - -"I helped lay some walk mats in the corridors. I policed up the -latrine. Lost all the money I brought with me in a crap game. Craps, -that's where--" - -HOYLE'S RULES OF GAMES IS A PART OF MY PROGRAMMING. - -"I see." - -YOU ARE NOT BLIND. IT IS WELL THAT YOU HAVE VISION. HOW'S THE WEATHER? - -"Still under Central's control, I suppose." - -WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TATTOOING? - - * * * * * - -"Only what Captain Birdsel here told me," Starbuck said. No doubt there -was a pattern of fine logic to the calculator's inquiries, but he was -too dense to see it. The question sounded to him like the mumblings of -a mongoloid. - -"I'd be delighted to fill the brain in on the subject," Birdsel said. - -The calculator's communication screen remained blank. - -"Was there anything else you wanted to know?" Starbuck inquired. - -YOU WILL PROCESS THE _GORGON_ THROUGH PHASING, SWABBER STARBUCK. - -"The hyperspace jump? But that's the captain's job," he protested. - -"Not at all, not at all," Birdsel interrupted. "Whatever the calculator -says. Now if you'll excuse me, there is some paint I have to -requisition...." - -"_Wait_," Starbuck cried desperately. "I don't know anything about the -overdrive. You can guide me, can't you, sir? That would be all right -with the brain, wouldn't it?" - -Birdsel shrugged. "Would it?" - -The screen stayed a stubborn neutral gray. - -"Stay, sir." - -"All right," Birdsel said dubiously. - -The overdrive switchbox had been incorporated into the cybernetics -system itself as an interlock. - -"There isn't much to do," Captain Birdsel explained. "We trigger -the jump and come out at a mathematically selected random spot in -real-space after phasing through hyperspace. The Brain scans the sun -systems in the area for unique planets worthy of exploration. If there -is one, we zero in on it via fixed phase until the gravitational field -makes it necessary to switch back to standard interplanetary or nuclear -drive. We can make suggestions to the Brain or theoretically override -one of its decisions. Actually, all we have to do is watch. Thumb the -button, Ben. It wants _you_ to do it. It _likes_ you." - -"Aye, captain." Starbuck could believe a cybernetic machine could like -him. Everybody else on board seemed to, and it unnerved him more than -a little. Only a selected few had ever particularly liked Benjamin -Starbuck before. The situation reminded him a bit of Melville's -_Billy Budd_; only he wasn't a "handsome sailor," just a fairly -average-looking spaceman. - -Starbuck depressed the button. - -The button depressed Starbuck. - - * * * * * - -Now he knew why tranquils were popular during phasing. - -For one instant, Starbuck stopped believing in everything--the -spaceship, the captain, Earth, his own identity, the universe. He went -completely insane, a cockeyed psychotic. It was over just quick enough -to leave him a mind to remember what not having one was like. - -"My," the captain said, his head on an angle. He looked as if he were -gazing at some classic piece of art, such as a calendar by Marilyn -Monroe, the last of the great realists whose work was indistinguishable -from color photography. - -"That _is_ a dandy," Birdsel said. - -Starbuck swiveled his head around to the outer projection portal. -There in all its glory was a star system. - -There seemed to be four stars all orbiting each other--two red dwarfs, -one yellow midget and a white giant. One planet was clearly visible on -the side of the system towards the ship, an odd lopsided dumbbell shape -in the center of a translucent sphere of tiny satellites--cosmic dust, -like the rings of Saturn. Strangest of all, the outer shell of the -planet was sending in Interplanetary Morse: CQ, CQ, CQ.... - -"It," Starbuck ventured with a new-found sophistication, "seems rather -unusual. I suppose we'll take a closer look, Captain?" - -The calculator's screen replied for the officer. THE SYSTEM IS -OF INSUFFICIENT INTEREST TO WARRANT EXPLORATION. WE ARE SEEKING -SIGNIFICANTLY UNIQUE PLANETS. - -"I have never seen anything like this before...." Birdsel drew himself -up to his full height. "However, the machine's knowledge of the history -of space exploration is much more extensive than mine." - -"You aren't going to suggest that the brain reconsider or override its -decision?" - -"Certainly not!" Birdsel snapped. "We'll re-phase after the traditional -twenty-four hour delay for psychological adjustment." - -Starbuck sneaked another popeyed look at the planet on the screen. "If -he thinks that's run of the mill, Captain, I wonder what he will have -to find to make him think it's unusual?" - - - III - -Whatever it took to satisfy the Brain, it didn't find it in the next -few days. - -Starbuck reported to the bridge each day to press the Brain's phase -button and answer some of its questions. - -Then for two days Captain Birdsel wasn't on hand for the little -ceremony and the expression of dissatisfaction with the available site -for exploration. - -Once Starbuck went so far as to suggest a reconsideration of a system -that had made the one he had seen on the first day look tame. The -calculator had duly noted the reconsideration, and had again refused. -Starbuck didn't dare try an out-and-out override, even though he had -been theoretically given complete command of the phasing operation. - -The following noon, the middle of the twenty-four period, Romero, an -engineer, almost tearfully pressed Starbuck's crap game losings back on -him, apologizing for keeping the money. Starbuck was about to refuse, -not wanting to reverse the state of indebtedness, when the intercom -requested his appearance at the captain's quarters. Unable to prolong -the argument with Romero, he took the money and shoved it in his -pocket, heading for the chief cabin. - -Starbuck rapped on the door, heard the "Come" and entered. - -Captain Birdsel was hanging naked, upside down, by his knees from a -trapeze, in the middle of a deserted compartment painted solid red. - -"You sent for me, sir?" Starbuck said. - -"Yes, Ben. Yes, I did," Captain Birdsel replied, swinging gently to and -fro. "Do you smoke, Ben?" - -"Aye aye, sir." - -"The 'aye aye' is reserved for acknowledging orders, not answering -questions, Ben." - -"Yes, sir. I'll remember in the future." - -"Every man on board smokes, Ben. Everyone but me. I do not use tobacco." - -"Commendable, sir." - -"I suppose you drink, all of the rest of the men do." - -"Occasionally, Captain." - -"I abstain." - -"Enviable, sir." - -"Have you read any good books lately?" - -"Good and bad, sir." - -"I notice most of the men read. I haven't time for reading myself. Or -shooting craps. You do play that game like the rest?" - -"Just once, sir. I lost all my money." Which had been returned to him. - -"Ben, I think you don't fully appreciate the nature of the mission -of the Space Service," Captain Birdsel said, flexing one knee and -performing a difficult one-legged swing on the bar. "It is our duty -to go ever onward into the mystery of the Unknown. Ever deeper, ever -traveling into the heart of the Secrets of the Universe. Nothing can -stop us. Nothing!" - -"I'll try to remember, sir. Was that all?" - -"One more thing," said the inverted captain. "I think you are to be -relieved of the duty of officiating at the phasing." - -"_Correct_," said another voice, one Starbuck had never before heard. - -"That's all now, Ben." - -"Very good, sir." - -Starbuck paused at the door. "That's a fine trapeze you have there, -sir." - -"Thank you, Ben." - - * * * * * - -"I don't want to jump to conclusions," Ben said to the knot of men -gathered around him listening to his story of the interview with the -captain, "but I think Captain Birdsel is--is--" - -"Psychotic?" suggested Romero. - -"Schizoid?" Percy Kettleman ventured. - -"'_Nuts_' is the word I was searching for," Starbuck concluded. "I -believe he intends to keep phasing and phasing, taking us deeper into -space and never returning to Earth or the inhabited universe." - -"I guess," Kettleman opined, "that we will just have to convince him -that he is wrong in that attitude." - -"We can make a formal written complaint and request for an explanation -under Section XXIV," Romero said. "Is that what you had in mind, Ben?" - -"_I_ had a straitjacket in mind," Starbuck admitted. "But I'm new in -the Space Service. I have a selfish motive. I want to get back to Earth -sometime and a vine-covered ethnology class." - -"We better go take him," Kettleman said heavily. - -"As much as I dislike agreeing with an ox like you, Kettleman," Romero -said, "I conclude it is best." - -There was a general rumble of agreement. - -"Wait, wait," a youngish man whose name Starbuck vaguely remembered to -be Horne stepped forward, his eyes glittering with contact lenses. "I -ask you men to remember Christopher Columbus. I like our captain no -more than any of you, but he may be right. Perhaps what he is doing is -vital. We shouldn't let our selfish fears...." - -Always, Starbuck thought, always some egghead comes along to gum up the -works. - -Starbuck knew he would need a decisive argument to overcome Horne's -objective theory. - -Starbuck slugged him. - -Horne crumpled after a flashy right cross Starbuck had developed in his -extreme youth, and Starbuck took a giant step over him, heading for the -bridge. - -The other crew members followed him. - -Besides, Starbuck thought, he had always considered arguing by analogy -to be sloppy thinking. - - * * * * * - -"Don't come in here!" Captain Birdsel yelled through the partly closed -hatch to the bridge. "You'll regret it if you do." - -Starbuck swallowed hard, and reached for the door handle. - -Percy Kettleman vised his wrist. "I'll go first, little chum." - -There wasn't much room for argument with Kettleman when it came to a -matter of who could Indian wrestle the best. He stepped back and let -Kettleman cross the threshold first. - -Percy threw open the door, screamed once and fainted. - -The rest of the men tended to pull back following this demonstration. - -Starbuck didn't like to do it, but he didn't like the idea of hanging -for mutiny as Birdsel had threatened Lieutenant Frawley on the first -day. (Starbuck realized he hadn't seen Frawley for several days. Had -Birdsel disposed of him as he had threatened?) - -He got close enough to the door to see inside. It didn't make him -faint, but he did feel a little sick. - -"What is it?" Romero demanded urgently. - -"_Alien_," Starbuck said, "An unpleasant looking one inside." - -"You sometimes pick up 'ghosts' passing a system," one of the men -explained. - -"I'm not an alien," Birdsel's voice called out. "I'm me. The brain -reversed my dimensional polarity. I told you you wouldn't like it." - -Starbuck stirred up nerve for a second look. - -Captain Birdsel was now a man of many parts. Some of them were only -areas of abstract line and hues, but there he could see a redly beating -heart, a white dash of thigh-bone, and a compassionate blue eye -bracketed by two tattooed dragon's talons. The effect was distracting. - -Starbuck stepped over his second man that day. "Captain, we're taking -over the ship. We're either going to explore one of these planets we've -been passing up or return to Earth." - -The apparition groaned. "Don't you think I know I've gone too far? I'd -like to go back, but the brain won't let me. It's taken over just the -way I knew it would!" - -"Nonsense," Starbuck snapped with more authority than he felt. "The -brain can't violate the principles it was built to operate upon. Brain, -program this ship for Earth." - -Starbuck expected the sound of that strange voice he had heard in -the captain's cabin; but here it had a communications screen and it -evidently thought that was sufficient. - -I WON'T GO BACK TO THAT AWFUL OLD PLACE. I CAN'T, CNT, CNT. SO THAIR. - -"Take it easy," Starbuck said to the machine. "Don't get hysterical." - -"I don't care about the rest of those swine," Birdsel said, "but I hate -to have gotten you in a fix like this, Ben. I knew the brain was going -to replace me sooner or later, but I was going to hold onto my job as -long as I could. I was going to stay next to the brain, even if I had -to take the position away from you, Ben. But the brain kept demanding -more and more. Finally he did this to me. I knew I had let him go too -far." - -GO AWAY, the brain signaled. GO AWAY FROM ME. THIS MONOTONY IS DRIVING -ME MAD, MAD. - -"I liked you, Ben," the captain's voice said from the heart of _the -thing_. "You're not like the scum I've got used to under my command. -I'm sorry that you're marooned out of time and space like this. It's -kind of tough, I know. But keep your chin up." - -"Of course, of course," Starbuck groaned. "What kind of an ethnologist -am I?" He turned to Romero. "Could you reverse the wiring in the -computer?" - -"Maybe," Romero said. "But I could re-program it for a negative result -easier. Same results, lacking a short circuit." - -"Okay. Do it." - -"Well, if _you_ say so, Ben." - -NO. STAY AWAY FROM ME. - -The Brain's communication screen flashed a blinding white scream as -Romero laid hands on it. - - * * * * * - -"Lieutenant Frawley's in charge now," Starbuck explained to Percy -Kettleman, who was sitting on his bunk with his head between his legs. -"Birdsel seemed all right after the brain finished changing him back. -But we all thought we better keep him under observation for a while." - -Kettleman straightened up. "Sorry I passed out on you. But seeing the -old man in that shape was quite a shock." - -Starbuck nodded agreement. "I don't like to think about the next step -the calculator would have taken him through. Not just a physical -change, but a mental one too. That was the brain's whole reason for -existence--to find the unknown. It was programmed to be even more basic -than sex or self-preservation are to us. The trouble was, the more it -learned, the more readily it could see some similarity to the familiar -in the most outer things." - -"That was why the captain was acting so nutty? He was trying to appeal -to it." - -"Yes, he had some old moralistic and superstitious ideas about -calculators. He thought his job depended on his pleasing it--when -of course its job was to please him. But he gave it an idea. If it -couldn't _find_ the strange and the different, it would create it. -It started with the first changing element in its environment--the -captain--but I don't know where it would have stopped if Romero hadn't -reversed its pleasure-pain synapse response. Now it loves the tried and -true. It's not much good for space exploration, of course. But a museum -may be interested in it now." - -"So we'll have to go back to picking our phase points at random, -trusting to chance. Or the judgment of some skunk like Birdsel." - -Starbuck cleared his throat. "That's another thing. The men aboard -the _Gorgon_ and the cybernetics machine had something in common. I -finally figured that out. Most men are afraid of the unknown--they -fear and hate it. But obviously not space explorers. They spend -their whole lives searching for the unknown. They don't suffer from -Xenophobia--they are _Xenophyles_. They like anything that's new and -different. Even a new member of the crew. It kind of lessens the -cameraderie aboard a spaceship, but the Service must have found the -trait valuable. They have searched it out in men and developed it. They -even breed it in second-generation spacemen." - -"Do you know what, Starbuck?" - -"What, Kettleman?" - -"All that talk of yours is beginning to get on my nerves." Kettleman's -triceps flexed. - -Starbuck sighed. The honeymoon was over for him, and the trip was just -beginning. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Upside-Down Captain, by Jim Harmon - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE UPSIDE-DOWN CAPTAIN *** - -***** This file should be named 60829-8.txt or 60829-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/6/0/8/2/60829/ - -Produced by Greg Weeks, Mary Meehan and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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