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author: Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> 2025-10-15 05:31:13 -0700
committer: Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> 2025-10-15 05:31:13 -0700
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+<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?>
+
+<!DOCTYPE html
+   PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN"
+   "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" >
+
+<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en">
+  <head>
+    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" />
+    <title>
+      Remarks, by Bill Nye.
+    </title>
+    <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve">
+
+    body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify}
+    P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; }
+    H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; }
+    hr  { width: 50%; text-align: center;}
+    .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; }
+    blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;}
+    .mynote    {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;}
+    .toc       { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;}
+    .toc2      { margin-left: 20%;}
+    div.fig    { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; }
+    div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; }
+    .figleft   {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;}
+    .figright  {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;}
+    .pagenum   {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal;
+               margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%;
+               text-align: right;}
+    .side      { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em;
+               border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left;
+               text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;
+               font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;}
+    pre        { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;}
+
+</style>
+  </head>
+  <body>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Remarks
+
+Author: Bill Nye
+
+
+Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8220]
+This file was first posted on July 3, 2003
+Last Updated: March 13, 2018
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REMARKS ***
+
+
+
+
+Text file produced by Charles Franks, Beth Trapaga and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team
+
+Illustrated HTML file produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+    <div style="height: 8em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h1>
+      REMARKS
+    </h1>
+    <h2>
+      By BILL NYE <br />(Edgar W. Nye)
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+                  Ah Sin was his name;
+                  And I shall not deny,
+                  In regard to the same,
+                  What the name might imply:
+                  But his smile it was pensive and childlike,
+                  As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye.
+                  &mdash;Bret Harte.
+               </pre>
+    <h5>
+      With over one hundred and fifty illustrations,<br /> by J.H. SMITH.
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /> <br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Cover}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0001}.jpg" alt="{0001}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0001}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      {Bill Nye}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0008}.jpg" alt="{0008}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0008}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0009}.jpg" alt="{0009}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0009}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0016}.jpg" alt="{0016}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0016}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      DIRECTIONS.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It is for
+      all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best thoughts are
+      contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought that I thought
+      had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this book. For that
+      reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a man coldly and
+      dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work all that may not
+      come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large volume shrink till
+      it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken clergyman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the clamorous
+      appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring too loudly for
+      a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not ignore it any
+      more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red book, succeeded by
+      a dark blue volume, after which I published a green book, all of which
+      were kindly received by the American people, and, under the present
+      yielding system of international copyright, greedily snapped up by some of
+      the tottering dynasties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a
+      redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts,
+      thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had
+      emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be
+      allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and
+      demanded recognition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest and
+      best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books have
+      passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a benison
+      when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the pictures will
+      be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the housekeeper will
+      find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement or kill a
+      cockroach.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me. It is
+      a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are
+      different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, all
+      the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a
+      result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and
+      attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would
+      wither them in a moment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily
+      endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader and
+      myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not
+      willing to do ourselves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I cannot be responsible for the board of orphans whose parents read this
+      book and leave their children in destitute circumstances.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <b>CONTENTS</b>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> DIRECTIONS. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_TOC"> ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> My School Days. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> Recollections of Noah Webster. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> To Her Majesty. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Habits of a Literary Man. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A Father's Letter. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> Archimedes. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> To the President-Elect. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> Anatomy. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Mr. Sweeney's Cat. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> The Heyday of Life. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> They Fell. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> Second Letter to the President. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> Milling in Pompeii. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> Broncho Sam. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> How Evolution Evolves. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Hours With Great Men. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Concerning Coroners. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Down East Rum. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Railway Etiquette. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> B. Franklin, Deceased. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> Life Insurance as a Health Restorer. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> The Opium Habit. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> More Paternal Correspondence. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> Twombley's Tale. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> On Cyclones. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> The Arabian Language. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Verona. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> A Great Upheaval. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> The Weeping Woman. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> The Crops. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> Literary Freaks. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> A Father's Advice to His Son. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Eccentricity in Lunch. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Insomnia in Domestic Animals. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> Along Lake Superior. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> I Tried Milling. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> Our Forefathers. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> In Acknowledgement. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Preventing a Scandal. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> About Portraits. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> The Old South. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Knights of the Pen. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Wild Cow. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> Spinal Meningitis. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> Skimming the Milky Way. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A Thrilling Experience. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Catching a Buffalo. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> John Adams. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> The Wail Of A Wife. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> Bunker Hill. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A Lumber Camp. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> My Lecture Abroad. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> The Miner at Home. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> An Operatic Entertainment. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Dogs and Dog Days. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Christopher Columbus. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Accepting the Laramie Postoffice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> A Journalistic Tenderfoot. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> The Amateur Carpenter. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> The Average Hen. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> Woodtick William's Story. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> In Washington. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> My Experience as an Agriculturist. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A New Autograph Album. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> A Resign. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> My Mine. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> Mush and Melody. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> The Blase Young Man. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> History of Babylon. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> Lovely Horrors. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> The Bite of a Mad Dog. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> Arnold Winkelreid. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Murray and the Mormons. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> About Geology. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Wallula Night. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Flying Machines. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> Asking for a Pass. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Words About Washington. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> The Board of Trade. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> The Cow-Boy. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> Stirring Incidents at a Fire. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> The Little Barefoot Boy. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Favored a Higher Fine. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> &ldquo;I Spy.&rdquo; </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> Mark Anthony. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> Man Overbored. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> &ldquo;Done It A-Purpose.&rdquo; </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Picnic Incidents. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Nero. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> Squaw Jim. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Squaw Jim's Religion. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> One Kind of Fool. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> John Adams' Diary. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> John Adams' Diary. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> John Adams' Diary </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0097"> &ldquo;Heap Brain.&rdquo; </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> The Approaching Humorist. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> What We Eat. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> Care of House Plants. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> A Peaceable Man. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> Biography of Spartacus. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> Concerning Book Publishing. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> A Calm. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> The Story of a Struggler. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> The Old Subscriber. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> My Dog. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> A Picturesque Picnic. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> Taxidermy. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> The Ways of Doctors. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> Absent Minded. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> Woman's Wonderful Influence. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0113"> Causes for Thanksgiving. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0114"> Farming in Maine. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0115"> Doosedly Dilatory. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0116"> Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0117"> Sixty Minutes in America. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0118"> Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0119"> Somnambulism and Crime. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0120"> Modern Architecture. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0121"> Letter to a Communist. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0122"> The Warrior's Oration. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0123"> The Holy Terror. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0124"> Boston Common and Environs. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0125"> Drunk in a Plug Hat. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0126"> Spring. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0127"> The Duke of Rawhide. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0128"> Etiquette at Hotels. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0129"> Fifteen Years Apart. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0130"> Dessicated Mule. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0131"> Time's Changes. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0132"> Letter From New York. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0133"> Crowns and Crowned Heads. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0134"> My Physician. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0135"> All About Oratory. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0136"> Strabusmus and Justice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0137"> A Spencerian Ass. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0138"> Anecdotes of Justice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0139"> The Chinese God. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0140"> A Great Spiritualist. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0141"> General Sheridan's Horse. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0142"> A Circular. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0143"> The Photograph Habit. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0144"> Rosalinde. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0145"> The Church Debt. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0146"> A Collection of Keys. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0147"> Extracts from a Queen's Diary. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0148"> Shorts. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0149"> &ldquo;We.&rdquo; </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0150"> A Mountain Snowstorm. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0151"> Lost Money. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0152"> Dr. Dizart's Dog. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0153"> Chinese Justice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0154"> Answers to Correspondents. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0155"> Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0157"> A Convention. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0158"> Come Back. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0159"> A New Play. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0160"> The Silver Dollar. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0161"> Polygamy as a Religious Duty. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0162"> The Newspaper. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0163"> Wrestling with the Mazy. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0164"> Anecdotes of the Stage. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0165"> George the Third. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0166"> The Cell Nest. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0167"> Parental Advice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0168"> Early Day Justice.{2} </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0169"> The Indian Orator. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0170"> You Heah Me, Sah! </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0171"> Plato. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0172"> The Expensive Word. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0173"> Petticoats at the Polls. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0174"> The Sedentary Hen. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0175"> A Bright Future for Pugilism. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0176"> The Snake Indian. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0177"> Roller Skating. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0178"> No More Frontier. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0179"> A Letter of Regrets. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0180"> Venice. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0181"> She Kind of Coaxed Him. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0182"> Answering an Invitation. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0183"> Street Cars and Curiosities. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0184"> The Poor Blind Pig. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0185"> Daniel Webster. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0186"> Two Ways of Telling It. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0187"> All About Menials. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0188"> A Powerful Speech. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0189"> A Goat in a Frame. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0190"> To a Married Man. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0191"> To an Embryo Poet. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0192"> Eccentricities of Genius. </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <b>ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS</b>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> About Geology </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About Geology <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> About Portraits </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About Portraits <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0175"> A Bright Future for Pugilism </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Bright Future for Pugilism <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> Absent Minded </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Absent Minded <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> A Calm </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Calm <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Accepting the Laramie Postoffice </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Accepting the Laramie Postoffice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0142"> A Circular </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Circular <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0146"> A Collection of Keys </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Collection of Keys <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0157"> A Convention </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Convention <br /> A Father's Advice to his Son <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A Father's Letter </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Father's Letter <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0189"> A Goat in a Frame </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Goat in a Frame <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0140"> A Great Spiritualist </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Great Spiritualist <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> A Great Upheaval </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Great Upheaval <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> A Journalistic Tenderfoot </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Journalistic Tenderfoot <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0179"> A Letter of Regrets </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Letter of Regrets <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0187"> All About Menials </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All About Menials <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0135"> All About Oratory </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All About Oratory <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> Along Lake Superior </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Along Lake Superior <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A Lumber Camp </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Lumber Camp <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0150"> A Mountain Snowstorm </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Mountain Snowstorm <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> Anatomy </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anatomy <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0138"> Anecdotes of Justice </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anecdotes of Justice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0164"> Anecdotes of the Stage </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anecdotes of the Stage <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A New Autograph Album </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A New Autograph Album <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0159"> A New Play </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A New Play <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> An Operatic Entertainment </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An Operatic Entertainment <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0182"> Answering an Invitation </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Answering an Invitation <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0154"> Answers to Correspondents </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Answers to Correspondents <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> A Peaceable Man </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Peaceable Man <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> A Picturesque Picnic </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Picturesque Picnic <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0188"> A Powerful Speech </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Powerful Speech <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> Archimedes </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Archimedes <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> A Resign </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Resign <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> Arnold Winkelreid </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Arnold Winkelreid <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> Asking for a Pass </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Asking for a Pass <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0137"> A Spencerian Ass </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Spencerian Ass <br /> Astronomy <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A Thrilling Experience </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Thrilling Experience <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Wallula Night </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Wallula Night <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> B. Franklin, Deceased </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      B. Franklin, Deceased <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> Biography of Spartacus </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Biography of Spartacus <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0124"> Boston Common and Environs </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Boston Common and Environs <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> Broncho Sam </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Broncho Sam <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> Bunker Hill </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bunker Hill <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> Care of House Plants </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Care of House Plants <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Catching a Buffalo </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Catching a Buffalo <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0113"> Causes for Thanksgiving </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Causes for Thanksgiving <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0153"> Chinese Justice </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Chinese Justice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Christopher Columbus </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Christopher Columbus <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0158"> Come Back </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Come Back <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> Concerning Book Publishing </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Concerning Book Publishing <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Concerning Coroners </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Concerning Coroners <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0133"> Crowns and Crowned Heads </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Crowns and Crowned Heads <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0185"> Daniel Webster </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Daniel Webster <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0130"> Dessicated Mule </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dessicated Mule <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Dogs and Dog Days </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dogs and Dog Days <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0115"> Doosedly Dilatory </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Doosedly Dilatory <br /> &ldquo;Done It A-Purpose&rdquo; <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Down East Rum </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Down East Rum <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0152"> Dr. Dizart's Dog </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dr. Dizart's Dog <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0125"> Drunk in a Plug Hat </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Drunk in a Plug Hat <br /> Early Day Justice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0192"> Eccentricities of Genius </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Eccentricity in Lunch </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Eccentricity in Lunch <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0128"> Etiquette at Hotels </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Etiquette at Hotels <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0116"> Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0147"> Extracts from a Queen's Diary </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Extracts from a Queen's Diary <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0114"> Farming in Maine </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Farming in Maine <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Favored a Higher Fine </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Favored a Higher Fine <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0129"> Fifteen Years Apart </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fifteen Years Apart <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Flying Machines </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Flying Machines <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0141"> General Sheridan's Horse </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      General Sheridan's Horse <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0165"> George the Third </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George the Third <br /> Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-Brac <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Habits of a Literary Man </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Habits of a Literary Man <br /> &ldquo;Heap Brain&rdquo; <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> History of Babylon </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      History of Babylon <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Hours With Great Men </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hours With Great Men <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> How Evolution Evolves </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How Evolution Evolves <br /> In Acknowledgment <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Insomnia in Domestic Animals </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Insomnia in Domestic Animals <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> In Washington </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Washington <br /> &ldquo;I Spy&rdquo; <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> I Tried Milling </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I Tried Milling <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> John Adams </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Adams <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> John Adams' Diary </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> John Adams' Diary </a>
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> John Adams' Diary </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Adams' Diary <br /> John Adams' Diary, (No. 2.) <br /> John
+      Adams' Diary, (No. 3.) <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Knights of the Pen </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Knights of the Pen <br /> Letter from New York <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0121"> Letter to a Communist </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Letter to a Communist <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> Life Insurance as a Health Restorer </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Life Insurance as a Health Restorer <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> Literary Freaks </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Literary Freaks <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0151"> Lost Money </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lost Money <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> Lovely Horrors </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lovely Horrors <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> Man Overbored </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Man Overbored <br /> Mark Antony <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> Milling in Pompeii </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Milling in Pompeii <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0120"> Modern Architecture </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Modern Architecture <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> More Paternal Correspondence </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      More Paternal Correspondence <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Mr. Sweeney's Cat </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Sweeney's Cat <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Murray and the Mormons </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Murray and the Mormons <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> Mush and Melody </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mush and Melody <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> My Dog </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Dog <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> My Experience as an Agriculturist </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Experience as an Agriculturist <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> My Lecture Abroad </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Lecture Abroad <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> My Mine </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Mine <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0134"> My Physician </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Physician <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> My School Days </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My School Days <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Nero </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nero <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0178"> No More Frontier </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No More Frontier <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> On Cyclones </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On Cyclones <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> One Kind of Fool </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One Kind of Fool <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> Our Forefathers </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our Forefathers <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0167"> Parental Advice </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Parental Advice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0173"> Petticoats at the Polls </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Petticoats at the Polls <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Picnic Incidents </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Picnic Incidents <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0171"> Plato </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Plato <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0161"> Polygamy as a Religious Duty </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Polygamy as a Religious Duty <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Preventing a Scandal </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Preventing a Scandal <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Railway Etiquette </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Railway Etiquette <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> Recollections of Noah Webster </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Recollections of Noah Webster <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0118"> Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0177"> Roller Skating </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Roller Skating <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0144"> Rosalinde </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rosalinde <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> Second Letter to the President </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Second Letter to the President <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0181"> She Kind of Coaxed Him </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She Kind of Coaxed Him <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0148"> Shorts </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Shorts <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0117"> Sixty Minutes in America </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sixty Minutes in America <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> Skimming the Milky Way </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Skimming the Milky Way <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0119"> Somnambulism and Crime </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Somnambulism and Crime <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> Spinal Meningitis </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spinal Meningitis <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0126"> Spring </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spring <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> Squaw Jim </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Squaw Jim <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Squaw Jim's Religion </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Squaw Jim's Religion <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> Stirring Incidents at a Fire </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Stirring Incidents at a Fire <br /> Strabismus and Justice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0183"> Street Cars and Curiosities </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Street Cars and Curiosities <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> Taxidermy </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Taxidermy <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> The Amateur Carpenter </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Amateur Carpenter <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> The Approaching Humorist </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Approaching Humorist <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> The Arabian Language </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Arabian Language <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> The Average Hen </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Average Hen <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> The Bite of a Mad Dog </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Bite of a Mad Dog <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> The Blase Young Man </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Blase Young Man <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> The Board of Trade </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Board of Trade <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0166"> The Cell Nest </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Cell Nest <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0139"> The Chinese God </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chinese God <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0145"> The Church Debt </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Church Debt <br /> The Cow Boy <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> The Crops </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Crops <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0127"> The Duke of Rawhide </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Duke of Rawhide <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0172"> The Expensive Word </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Expensive Word <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> The Heyday of Life </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Heyday of Life <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0123"> The Holy Terror </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Holy Terror <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0169"> The Indian Orator </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Indian Orator <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> The Little Barefoot Boy </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Little Barefoot Boy <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> The Miner at Home </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Miner at Home <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0162"> The Newspaper </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Newspaper <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> The Old South </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Old South <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> The Old Subscriber </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Old Subscriber <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> The Opium Habit </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Opium Habit <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0143"> The Photograph Habit </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Photograph Habit <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0184"> The Poor Blind Pig </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Poor Blind Pig <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0174"> The Sedentary Hen </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Sedentary Hen <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0160"> The Silver Dollar </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Silver Dollar <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0176"> The Snake Indian </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Snake Indian <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> The Story of a Struggler </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Story of a Struggler <br /> The Wail of a Wife <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0122"> The Warrior's Oration </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Warrior's Oration <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> The Ways of Doctors </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Ways of Doctors <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> The Weeping Woman </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Weeping Woman <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Wild Cow </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Wild Cow <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> They Fell </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They Fell <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0131"> Time's Changes </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Time's Changes <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0190"> To a Married Man </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To a Married Man <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0191"> To an Embryo Poet </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To an Embryo Poet <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> To Her Majesty </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To Her Majesty <br /> To The President-Elect <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> Twombley's Tale </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Twombley's Tale <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0186"> Two Ways of Telling It </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two Ways of Telling It <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0180"> Venice </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Venice <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Verona </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Verona <br /> &ldquo;We&rdquo; <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> What We Eat </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What We Eat <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> Woman's Wonderful Influence </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Woman's Wonderful Influence <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> Woodtick William's Story </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Woodtick William's Story <br />
+    </p>
+    <p class="toc">
+      <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Words About Washington </a>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Words About Washington <br /> Wrestling With the Mazy <br /> &ldquo;You Heah
+      Me, Sah!&rdquo; <br /> {Illustration: WE WERE NOT ON TERMS OF INTIMACY.}
+      <br /> <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My School Days.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would
+      rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me to
+      use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know about
+      my early history.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other
+      great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log
+      school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full of
+      hard words and information.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little
+      effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take
+      my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so I
+      stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a
+      knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This
+      became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it I
+      would hesitate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like those
+      of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was very
+      dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the school
+      house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my toe into
+      it and thus refresh my memory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit went
+      to the head of the class and remained there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is
+      where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still
+      wear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to leave
+      it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every
+      evening. Still, I used to get out once in a while and wander around in the
+      starlight. I did not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was a kind of
+      somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my lessons that I
+      would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the solemn night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so
+      ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely
+      out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon
+      vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms of
+      social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our set.
+      We had never been thrown together before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had watermelon
+      conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my somnambulism. I have
+      never tried to somnambule any more since that time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are other little incidents of my schooldays that come trooping up in
+      my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their nature.
+      Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, trying to
+      do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys of Boston would do
+      well to study carefully my record and then&mdash;do differently.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Recollections of Noah Webster.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Webster, no doubt, had the best command of language of any American
+      author prior to our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather
+      disconnected romance known as &ldquo;Websters Unabridged Dictionary, or
+      How One Word Led on to Another.&rdquo; will agree with me that he was
+      smart. Noah never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a
+      brainy man and a good speller.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's
+      great work&mdash;a work that is now in almost every library, school-room
+      and counting house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had
+      Mr. Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my
+      books.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it may
+      seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary labors;
+      but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely upon my own
+      responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the interest
+      of the reader all the way through.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow
+      them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an
+      idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the
+      fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of its
+      hero.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. A
+      friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got hold
+      of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed chained
+      to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is
+      entirely out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you
+      believe?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered
+      in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This shows
+      great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something else. The
+      reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful word
+      painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard so much of
+      Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was disappointed. It is
+      cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of
+      whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long journey
+      without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the monotony
+      of many a tedious trip for me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Webster's &ldquo;Speller&rdquo; was a work of less pretentions,
+      perhaps, and yet it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had
+      reached a sale of 40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was
+      disconnected, cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last
+      became a close student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but
+      one thing in this book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect
+      stampede, that was even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem.
+      It was so thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from
+      Mr. Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write
+      it for him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman,
+      in the crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness
+      and animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly
+      gentleman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free to
+      say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing so, that
+      his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. Possibly his
+      book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes no difference.
+      When I write a book it must engage the interest of the reader, and show
+      some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and scattering in its
+      statements.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we
+      should have a higher object than that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the
+      world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but I
+      speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my work.
+      If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect to be
+      criticised. That's the way I look at it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.S.&mdash;I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the
+      Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to throw
+      it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right that the
+      public should know the truth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      To Her Majesty.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To Queen Victoria, Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the side:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Madame.&mdash;Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised
+      to hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written
+      for some time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because I
+      had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon your great
+      success as a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career socially. As a
+      queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your family have married
+      well.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: ADVERTISING THE ENTERPRISE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0021}.jpg" alt="{0021}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0021}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another matter.
+      We are struggling here in America to establish an authors'
+      international copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all civilized
+      nations may be protected in their rights to the profits of their literary
+      labor, and the movement so far has met with generous encouragement. As an
+      author we desire your aid and endorsement. Could you assist us? We are
+      giving this season a series of authors' readings in New York to aid
+      in prosecuting the work, and we would like to know whether we could not
+      depend upon you to take a part in these readings, rendering selections
+      from your late work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best
+      literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your
+      visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise
+      your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the
+      occasion of your debut here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: QUEEN VIC. READING.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0022}.jpg" alt="{0022}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0022}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced rates,
+      I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. Of course
+      you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, however. Some of us
+      travel with our suites and some do not. I generally leave my suite at
+      home, myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You would not need to make any special change as to costume for the
+      occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though some
+      of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those who take a
+      part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day reigning
+      clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. We do not
+      judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear
+      before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you will
+      aid in a deserving enterprise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It will also promote the sale of your book.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may receive
+      from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable pride in
+      getting his books into every household.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as an
+      authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized
+      foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international
+      advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the
+      true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people.
+      Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or national
+      linos. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less than
+      beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail true merit
+      just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would anywhere else.
+      In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who has never tried it
+      little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard throne all day and write
+      well. We are to recognize struggling genius wherever it may crop out. It
+      is no small matter for an almost unknown monarch to reign all day and then
+      write an article for the press or a chapter for a serial story, only,
+      perhaps, to have it returned by the publishers. All these things are
+      drawbacks to a literary life, that we here in America know little of.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will
+      pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for a few
+      weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the house and
+      come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good authors here
+      now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any one. They are
+      not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to appear in
+      company. We generally read selections from our own works, and can have a
+      brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. For myself, I
+      prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I read. The audience
+      also approves of this plan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE ACCOMPANIMENT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0023}.jpg" alt="{0023}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0023}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but it
+      is now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but wheat
+      is still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. All of
+      our canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can them over
+      again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in Canada last
+      winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It will be his
+      first appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our leading
+      American criminals are going over to see his debut.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave
+      to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and
+      obedient servant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Habits of a Literary Man.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The editor of an Eastern health magazine, having asked for information
+      relative to the habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed
+      adopted by literary men, and several parties having responded who were no
+      more essentially saturated with literature than I am, I now take my pen in
+      hand to reveal the true inwardness of my literary life, so that boys, who
+      may yearn to follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath the year
+      round in place of a hat, may know what the personal habits of a literary
+      party are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not
+      because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me
+      during the day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to
+      thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising for
+      thought will do well to try it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is needless
+      to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find little to
+      interest them here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe
+      myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. Others
+      who do not do so have been equally successful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some literary people bathe before dressing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some
+      literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really
+      nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but
+      simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the
+      day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have
+      got simplicity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I am
+      passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on my heart,
+      that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward craving, this
+      constant yearning for something better.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel above
+      my family, at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as possible.
+      Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the upper side,
+      are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the mental faculties
+      around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward to
+      the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, I
+      frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and write
+      1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be $2.50 in
+      cloth and $4 with Russia back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live
+      near by, and of whom I am passionately fond.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After
+      this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to
+      attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of
+      wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the
+      coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In winter I do not angle. I read the &ldquo;Pirate Prince&rdquo; or the
+      &ldquo;Missourian's Mash,&rdquo; or some other work, not so much for
+      the plot as the style, that I may get my mind into correct channels of
+      thought I then play &ldquo;old sledge&rdquo; in a rambling sort of manner.
+      I sometimes spend an evening at home, in order to excite remark and draw
+      attention to my wonderful eccentricity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am
+      basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do it,
+      too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young
+      women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted, than a
+      young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the
+      influence of liquor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good,
+      indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence
+      of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold
+      and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a
+      time when he was full of remorse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go
+      into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should die
+      by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like
+      shooting into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and
+      now he pays taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of
+      course, salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he
+      might have been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor
+      alone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Father's Letter.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My dear son.&mdash;Your letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I
+      enclose $13, which is all I have by me at the present time. I may sell the
+      other shote next week and make up the balance of what you wanted. I will
+      probably have to wear the old buffalo overcoat to meetings again this
+      winter, but that don't matter so long as you are getting an
+      education.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps your
+      mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't
+      complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes
+      cost so like sixty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. I
+      want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians and
+      talk to any of them in their own native tongue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I decided
+      that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held out,
+      regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to go as
+      slow on swallowtail coats as possible till we can sell our hay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that
+      bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit,
+      mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man
+      can't really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd
+      send home what you get through with this fall, and I'll wear them
+      through the winter under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer
+      winters here than we used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health.
+      Last winter I tried to go through without underclothes, the way I did when
+      I was a boy, but a Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a
+      crowd with its eyes shet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little &ldquo;hazing
+      scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts.&rdquo; I don't want
+      any harm to come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts
+      and another young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I
+      would meet him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the
+      back of the neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the
+      pit of his stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your father aint much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square root
+      of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational
+      institutions to haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when you
+      tried to haze your father a little, just to kill time, and how long it
+      took you to recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good deal of
+      fun with your father, but those who have sought to monkey with him, just
+      to break up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded in finding
+      what they sought.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: RETRIBUTIVE JUSTICE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0028}.jpg" alt="{0028}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0028}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter.
+      We are all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope
+      this will find you enjoying the same great blessing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your Father.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Archimedes.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Archimedes, whose given name has been accidentally torn off and swallowed
+      up in oblivion, was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last spring. He was
+      a philosopher and mathematical expert. During his life he was never
+      successfully stumped in figures. It ill befits me now, standing by his
+      new-made grave, to say aught of him that is not of praise. We can only
+      mourn his untimely death, and wonder which of our little band of great men
+      will be the next to go.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word &ldquo;Eureka.&rdquo;
+      It has been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have
+      the Eureka baking powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster,
+      the Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes
+      wot, when he invented this term, that it would come into such general use.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place
+      here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over Archie's
+      eventful life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7-1/8, and, after
+      receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had been
+      adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if possible,
+      whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in on No. 3, two
+      hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for a hot and cold
+      bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how the dickens he
+      would settle that crown business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the
+      floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his own
+      bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and,
+      forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth street
+      and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a plain gold
+      ring, shouting &ldquo;Eureka!&rdquo; He ran head-first into a Syracuse
+      policeman and howled &ldquo;Eureka!&rdquo; The policeman said: &ldquo;You'll
+      have to excuse me; I don't know him.&rdquo; He scattered the
+      Syracuse Normal school on its way home, and tried to board a Fifteenth
+      street bob-tail car, yelling &ldquo;Eureka!&rdquo; The car-driver told him
+      that Eureka wasn't on the car, and referred Archimedes to a clothing
+      store.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, but
+      found that he had left his money in his other clothes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some thought it was the revised statute of Hercules; that he had become
+      weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had started
+      out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is foundered on
+      fact.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Archimedes once said: &ldquo;Give me where I may stand, and I will move
+      the world.&rdquo; I could write it in the original Greek, but, fearing
+      that the nonpareil delirium tremens type might get short, I give it in the
+      English language.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but I have
+      a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get printed on
+      this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his relatives and
+      friends:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;WHEREAS, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our
+      midst Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and
+      enterprises; and
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;WHEREAS, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of
+      Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;<i>Resolved</i>, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen
+      of Syracuse, and one who never shook his friends&mdash;never weakened or
+      gigged back on those he loved.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;<i>Resolved</i>, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on
+      the moments of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that
+      they be published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&amp;cod, and that marked
+      copies of said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      To the President-Elect.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir.&mdash;The painful duty of turning over to you the administration
+      of these United States and the key to the front door of the White House
+      has been assigned to me. You will find the key hanging inside the
+      storm-door, and the cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. I
+      have made a great many suggestions to the outgoing administration relative
+      to the transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the Interior
+      to that of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been a great
+      source of annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped one of my
+      most valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not complain of
+      that. This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good paying property
+      if properly worked, and should you at any time wish to take the regular
+      army and such other help as you may need and re-capture it from our red
+      brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling interest in it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A DEARTH OF SOAP IN THE LAUNDRY AND BATH-ROOM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0031}.jpg" alt="{0031}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0031}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small
+      jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which you
+      will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that were the
+      immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are now all
+      buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your own. They
+      are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ politically,
+      but that need not interfere with our warm personal friendship.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the navy
+      is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that it be newly
+      painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to receive a
+      majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which you now hold,
+      I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not influence you in
+      the course which you may see fit to adopt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in this
+      brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity about
+      appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter wherein the
+      public might charge me with interference.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever
+      your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, either
+      foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out the gas on
+      retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond anticipations
+      which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people whose aggregated
+      eye is now on to you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.S.&mdash;You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in
+      the laundry or bath-rooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way
+      and was absorbed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      B.N.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Anatomy.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The word anatomy is derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs,
+      which, when translated, signify &ldquo;up through&rdquo; and &ldquo;to
+      cut,&rdquo; so that anatomy actually, when translated from the original
+      wappy-jawed Greek, means to cut up through. That is no doubt the reason
+      why the medical student proceeds to cut up through the entire course.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: STUDYING ANATOMY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0033}.jpg" alt="{0033}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0033}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the
+      cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing
+      demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand
+      organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not
+      actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical
+      college after 10 P.M.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities of
+      plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, as far
+      as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development of
+      organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural
+      homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. (This
+      statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Careful study of the human organism after death, shows traces of
+      functional analogies and structural homologies in people who were supposed
+      to have been in perfect health all their lives Probably many of those we
+      meet in the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile and outwardly
+      seem happy, have either one or both of these things. A man may live a
+      false life and deceive his most intimate friends in the matter of
+      anatomical analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it from the
+      eagle eye of the medical student. The ambitious medical student makes a
+      specialty of true inwardness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to
+      study the anatomical structure of the grizzly bear from the inside has not
+      been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been
+      thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the two
+      organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the other.
+      Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor indigenous.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be safe
+      to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable that,
+      however, and be safe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the description
+      of the structure and geographical distribution of the elements of a human
+      being. It also applies to the structure of the microbe that crawls out of
+      jail every four years just long enough to whip his wife, vote and go back
+      again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical.
+      Those terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals,
+      specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but
+      really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do
+      mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into
+      fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles,
+      angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or
+      department of the interior, and so on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy
+      on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they
+      are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not
+      been there since. When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in
+      the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not
+      occur to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no hesitation
+      about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting up other
+      nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, that I
+      might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do that. I
+      should like to do anything that would advance the cause of science, but I
+      should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, lest some day I
+      might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had a great
+      attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0035}.jpg" alt="{0035}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0035}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Mr. Sweeney's Cat.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Robert Ormsby Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent
+      chronological record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of a
+      sure-enough king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood in
+      his veins that dates back where kings used to have something to do to earn
+      their salary, he goes right on with his regular business, selling drugs at
+      the great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in order to place
+      their goods within the reach of all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned
+      head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told him
+      that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as it
+      hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally
+      wear it out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as much
+      fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal blood
+      in his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and never
+      notice it at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat.
+      Mr. Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very
+      fond. Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was
+      known all over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker
+      took in the town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything about
+      it. She would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and attend to
+      her duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had happened.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with water
+      on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies in a
+      deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during the
+      afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up pleasant
+      memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would call up
+      some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from there jumped
+      down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the plate of
+      fly-paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly,
+      but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with great
+      tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of surprise and
+      deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued to a whole sheet
+      of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary Walker felt. She
+      did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats would
+      have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, though
+      you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat down a
+      moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, she made
+      a great mistake. The gesture resulted in glueing the fly-paper to her
+      person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most abrupt
+      manner, and caused her great inconvenience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: AT FIRST SHE REGARDED IT AS A JOKE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0037}.jpg" alt="{0037}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0037}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish
+      you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the
+      rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out
+      through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go
+      through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the
+      ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at
+      the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring
+      from the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts are
+      not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of flypaper
+      and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone National Park,
+      and as far north as the British line, but the doctor herself was not
+      found. My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to
+      catch the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set
+      and her tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary
+      Walker's immediate return are extremely slim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0038}.jpg" alt="{0038}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0038}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Heyday of Life.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9039}.jpg" alt="{9039}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9039}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There will always be a slight difference in the opinions of the young and
+      the mature, relative to the general plan on which the solar system should
+      be operated, no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in other
+      matters, and it looks as though there always would be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes
+      high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads out
+      across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the youth has
+      endorsed for an intimate friend a few times, and purchased the paper at
+      the bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so
+      tumultuously as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing
+      such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I didn't
+      need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the same time.
+      Still the bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. Such things as
+      these harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of youth, and prompt
+      us to turn the strawberry box bottom side up before we purchase it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where
+      the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a
+      dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is
+      weak and inefficient.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything;
+      but after awhile we murmur: &ldquo;What's that you are givin'
+      us,&rdquo; or words of like character. Age brings caution and a lot of
+      shop-worn experience, purchased at the highest market price. Time brings
+      vain regrets and wisdom teeth that can be left in a glass of water over
+      night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder to
+      get up an appetite by persweating in someone's vineyard at so much
+      per diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to
+      have a deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there
+      seems to be a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when
+      saturated with foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed
+      to use such a low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born
+      Duke of Dakota, or the Earl of York State should remember that the matter
+      of perspiration and posterity should not be left solely to the foreigner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They
+      would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would
+      rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large
+      steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for fear
+      some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts
+      extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not too
+      proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their shattered
+      remains to the morgue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts a
+      man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots any
+      more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up the
+      carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do but to
+      labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the
+      convention and went over to the red-hot minority.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information,
+      so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what we
+      know. The wise youth will &ldquo;lay low&rdquo; till he gets a whole lot
+      of knowledge, and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He
+      will guard against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is
+      unwise. I once knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he
+      knew from day to day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was
+      utterly exhausted and didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some
+      of the things that we know should be saved for our own use. The man who
+      sheds all his knowledge, and don't leave enough to keep house with,
+      fools himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      They Fell.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Two delegates to the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were
+      sitting in the lobby of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long ago,
+      strangers to each other and to everybody else. One came from Huerferno
+      county, and the other was a delegate from the Ice Water Encampment of
+      Correjos county.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, and
+      in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, and
+      French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the giddy
+      throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor of lemon
+      and mirth and pine apple and cognac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water
+      representative from Huerferno:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the
+      demon rum at the convocation.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Think so?&rdquo; said the sad Huerferno man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I
+      could almost see the red-eyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air.
+      How could you describe the jimjams so graphically?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while
+      ago I was in the gutter.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So was I.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How long ago?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Week ago day after to-morrow.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I swan!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ain't it funny?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Tolerable.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think
+      so?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I dread it a good deal.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum
+      again.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall
+      never touch rum again.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked into
+      each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's
+      soul. Then the Huerferno man said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In fact, I never did care much for rum.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then there was a long pause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally the Correjos man ventured: &ldquo;Do you have to use an antidote
+      to cure the thirst?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably
+      this vain yearning that I now feel in the pit of the bosom will disappear
+      after awhile.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Have you got any antidote with you?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, I've got some up in 232-1/2. If you'll come up I'll
+      give you a dose.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There's no rum in it, is there?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but at
+      dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through the
+      archway leading to the dining-room as though he had doubts about getting
+      through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man from
+      Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over the woe
+      that rum has wrought in our fair land.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his dessert order,
+      the red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: &ldquo;Bring me a cup of tea, some
+      pudding without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring
+      me a corkscrew, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie
+      with.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a
+      hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno delegate
+      couldn't get his regalia over his head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Second Letter to the President.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To the President.&mdash;I write this letter not on my own account, but on
+      behalf of a personal friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a
+      great worker for political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he
+      has asked me to write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among
+      great men all my life, and that, owing to my high social position and fine
+      education, I would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that would
+      not call forth disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the points and
+      I have arranged them for you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. President,
+      in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving offense,
+      that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to talk this way
+      to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and he desires that I
+      should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted policy. He says that
+      it seems to him there is very little in the course of the administration
+      so far to encourage a man to shake off old party ties and try to make men
+      better. He desires to say that after conversing with a large number of the
+      purest men, men who have been in both political parties off and on for
+      years and yet have never been corrupted by office, men who have left
+      convention after convention in years past because those conventions were
+      corrupt and endorsed other men than themselves for office, he finds that
+      your appointment of Cabinet officers will only please two classes, viz:
+      Democrats and Republicans.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WORKING FOR REFORM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0043}.jpg" alt="{0043}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0043}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify those
+      two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain at men who
+      admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want history to
+      chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the aid of the pure
+      and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything naughty or
+      unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had been known for
+      years as rude, naughty Democrats?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had
+      fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week of
+      your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. You
+      have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be truly
+      good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of my
+      friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never smirched
+      his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and most
+      vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over night
+      during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both of
+      these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist in
+      the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the
+      Republican party insisted on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because I
+      know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr.
+      President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal
+      friend criticise my official acts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will
+      encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to earn
+      their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, and if
+      those who have abstained from office for years, by request of many
+      citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, they
+      will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend desires
+      to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and his wife
+      feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep it quiet any
+      longer. They feel like crippling the administration in every way they can
+      if the present policy is to be pursued.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has
+      barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it may
+      prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that you
+      have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the way
+      through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced for the
+      purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully endorsing
+      and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it merely to kill
+      time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became a reformer and
+      supported you, he did not think there were so many prominent Democrats who
+      would have claims upon you. He can only now deplore the great national
+      poverty of offices and the boundless wealth of raw material in the
+      Democratic party from which to supply even that meagre demand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of
+      his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for
+      civil service reform so much as many people seem to think.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the exception
+      of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any uneasiness. Our
+      large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising egg market,
+      over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the twilight gathered,
+      she yielded to a complication of pip and softening of the brain and
+      expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary life and the forked
+      tongue of slander could find naught to utter against her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you will
+      write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Very respectfully yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Dictated Letter.}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Milling in Pompeii.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      While visiting Naples, last fall, I took a great interest in the wonderful
+      museum there, of objects that have been exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii.
+      It is a remarkable collection, including, among other things, the
+      cumbersome machinery of a large woolen factory, the receipts, contracts,
+      statements of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, brokers, and usurers. I was
+      told that the exhumist also ran into an Etruscan bucket-shop in one part
+      of the city, but, owing to the long, dry spell, the buckets had fallen to
+      pieces.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what seems
+      to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit of 79
+      A.D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date is torn
+      off however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it was issued. I
+      was permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my hired man, I
+      have translated it with great care.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Office of Lucretius &amp; Procalus, Dealers In Flour, Bran, Shorts,
+      Middlings, Screenings, Etruscan Hen Feed, and Other Choice Bric-A-Brac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Highest Cash Price Paid for Neapolitan Winter Wheat and Roman Corn </i>
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why haul your Wheat through the sand to Herculaneum when we pay the same
+      price here?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Office and Mill, Via VIII, Near the Stabian Gate, Only Thirteen Blocks
+      From the P.O., Pompeii.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last
+      month by Messrs. Toecorneous &amp; Chilblainicus, alleged millers and
+      wheat buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to a
+      half-cent more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us with docking
+      the farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than necessary for
+      cockle, wild buck-wheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make the broad
+      statement that we have made all our money in that way, and claim that Mr.
+      Lucretius, of our mill, has erected a fine house, which the farmers allude
+      to as the &ldquo;wild buckwheat villa.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: TWO OLD ROMANS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8047}.jpg" alt="{8047} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8047}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; but
+      when two snide romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and drank
+      stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they were
+      there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt and
+      final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not test
+      their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money for
+      Messrs. Toecorneous &amp; Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do not
+      do that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash
+      price and then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial hog
+      feed on him in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him in
+      money. We do not seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked wheat
+      and orders on the store.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made in
+      our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have also
+      engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank
+      day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so that
+      the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head miller
+      has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that was
+      used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the Neapolitan
+      road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in a brick-yard here
+      near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a tenderfoot from Jerusalem
+      as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it would not work, and so used it
+      to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now it is grinding ostensible flour
+      at Herculaneum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we
+      aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will
+      not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We will
+      also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good weight.
+      Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and grinding. We
+      now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, every little
+      while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in case of accident
+      to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few moments. We call
+      attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the best flour in
+      the market for making angels' food and other celestial groceries. We
+      fully warrant it, and will agree that for every sack containing whole
+      kernels of corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, not thoroughly
+      pulverized, we will refund the money already paid, and show the person
+      through our mill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: ANCIENT ROMAN MILLER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9048}.jpg" alt="{9048}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9048}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives around
+      Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic in its
+      operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine two men
+      will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling thoroughly
+      refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in the mouth so
+      common in Pompeii on arising in the morning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say
+      that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that those
+      who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get it treated
+      at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. Strangers calling
+      for their squat or unsquat dough, will have to be identified.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lucretius &amp; Peocalus,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without
+      clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Broncho Sam.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Speaking about cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico as
+      Broncho Sam, was the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a greaser
+      or a negro, but he had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly hair of an
+      African, and the courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. A wide
+      reputation as a &ldquo;broncho breaker&rdquo; gave him his name.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To master an untamed broncho and teach him to lead, to drive and to be
+      safely-ridden was Sam's mission during the warm weather when he was
+      not riding the range. His special delight was to break the war-like heart
+      of the vicious wild pony of the plains and make him the servant of man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I've seen him mount a hostile &ldquo;bucker,&rdquo; and, clinching
+      his italic legs around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood
+      would burst from Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like
+      rain. Most everyone knows what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse
+      means. The wild horse probably learned it from the antelope, for the
+      latter does it the same way, i.e., he jumps straight up into the air, at
+      the same instant curving his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all
+      four of his feet in a bunch. The concussion is considerable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring day,
+      which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the broncho.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast,
+      and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would
+      rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride a
+      successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair of
+      Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I
+      remembered them. Sitting down on them in an impulsive way brought them to
+      my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the spurs an
+      opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To those who observed the charger with the double &ldquo;cinch&rdquo;
+      across his back and the saddle in front of him like a big leather corset,
+      sitting at the same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of
+      amusement; but to me it was not so frolicsome.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains, in the
+      crisp morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with
+      your ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed has
+      returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness about
+      it all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. He
+      wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount and
+      ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam never
+      took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the
+      cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their
+      best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical
+      legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him
+      till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his hot
+      red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively,
+      swelled up sadly and died.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It took Sam four days to walk back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star spangled banner, some
+      times; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A BRONCO ERUPTION.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9050}.jpg" alt="{9050}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9050}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      How Evolution Evolves.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following paper was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice,
+      before the Academy of Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month,
+      and as I have been so continually and so earnestly importuned to print it
+      that life was no longer desirable, I submit it to you for that purpose,
+      hoping that you will print my name in large caps, with astonishers at the
+      head of the article, and also in good display type at the close:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some Features Of Evolution.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution full
+      justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone race.
+      It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful influence
+      over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When we pause to
+      consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the great masses of our
+      fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not surprising that crime is
+      rather on the increase, and that thousands of our race are annually
+      filling drunkards' graves, with no other visible means of support,
+      while multitudes of enlightened human beings are at the same time
+      obtaining a livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would
+      melt the stoniest heart: &ldquo;Why in creation do you do it?&rdquo; The
+      time is rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for
+      each doom. I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner
+      even than that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and Harry
+      as formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass
+      through a competitive examination, as he should do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves.
+      The time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will be
+      carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit themselves
+      for those positions will be left in the lurch, whatever that may be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to
+      appear before you to-day and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history, rise
+      and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. It
+      is for this that I have poured over such works as Huxley, Herbert Spencer,
+      Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is for the
+      purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk the rising
+      generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of clashing
+      intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works of
+      Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book that
+      bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have done so
+      while others slept.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go easily
+      and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of the
+      Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of a free
+      and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the midnight
+      and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill myself full
+      of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even the O'Reilly
+      College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has not informed
+      itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before a lecturer may
+      speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is
+      patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress and
+      some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am
+      addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little child
+      with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution
+      consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed
+      upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress, is such ignorance as
+      that, lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions
+      and hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the
+      scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than to
+      chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you on
+      the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. I
+      could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the
+      intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would
+      please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen,
+      but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close,
+      but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose
+      breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have
+      sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it or
+      immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from friends,
+      and which relate to this matter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this paper
+      relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if anything,
+      I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that the person
+      who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing upon the
+      great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb remains.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of these
+      statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other theologians
+      and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to pause before
+      they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts in relation to
+      evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family history, which I am
+      prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with ideas that I have
+      thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to attract notice and
+      obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, beware. It will be to
+      your interest to beware!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Hours With Great Men.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I presume that I could write an entire library of personal reminiscences
+      relative to the eminent people with whom I have been thrown during a busy
+      life, but I hate to do it, because I always regarded such things as sacred
+      from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to respect the confidence of a
+      prominent man just as much as I would that of one who was less before the
+      people. I remember very well my first meeting with General W.T. Sherman. I
+      would not mention it here if it were not for the fact that the people seem
+      so be yearning for personal reminiscences of great men, and that is
+      perfectly right, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the line of
+      the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated
+      eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter
+      had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched
+      oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in
+      butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the
+      cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a
+      party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter had
+      refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in the
+      dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and
+      stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing
+      with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be
+      still again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver to
+      a fly in the milk pitcher.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along life's
+      rugged way&mdash;he in the war department, I in the postoffice department.
+      Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite corners of the
+      great national fabric, if you will allow me that expression.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the conversation
+      began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All right,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;if you will please pass those
+      molasses.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably he
+      never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for
+      thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false
+      about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great
+      to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE BUTTER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8055}.jpg" alt="{8055} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8055}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with
+      him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were going
+      to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted pianist,
+      who had kindly consented to play a few strains, I did not get the name of
+      the professional, but I went, and when the first piece was announced I saw
+      that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly volunteered to get a lamp
+      from another room. I held that big lamp, weighing about twenty-nine
+      pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist would tinky tinky up on the
+      right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on the bass, while he snorted and
+      slugged that old concert grand piano and almost knocked its teeth down its
+      throat, or gently dawdled with the keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering
+      through the bleached rafters of a deceased horse, until at last there was
+      a wild jangle, such as the accomplished musician gives to an instrument to
+      show the audience that he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight
+      intermission while it is sent to the junk shop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, and
+      my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty enlightening
+      the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had a
+      chance to see me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Concerning Coroners.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I am glad to notice that in the East there is a growing disfavor in the
+      public mind for selecting a practicing physician for the office of
+      coroner. This matter should have attracted attention years ago. Now it
+      gratifies me to notice a finer feeling on the part of the people, and an
+      awakening of those sensibilities which go to make life more highly prized
+      and far more enjoyable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a
+      coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine
+      along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do not
+      know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his
+      patient and getting the victim ready for the quest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I
+      was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft of
+      the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in
+      memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did not
+      know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage of me,
+      for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life could be
+      sustained under his treatment. I did not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed to
+      conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly
+      clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner
+      had a kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room
+      that made my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of
+      glancing hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over
+      a chair, probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the
+      jury in arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a
+      draft that he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with
+      my funds, and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room and
+      he had just found out where it came from.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as
+      possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch
+      of the amateur coroner and pro tem physician. I could look forward with
+      pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come for the
+      last time in his professional capacity and go to work on me officially.
+      Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the undertaker could take
+      charge of the fragments left by the inquest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner with
+      the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is in
+      violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician
+      decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the names
+      of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of the
+      cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold of
+      politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let him
+      gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be united.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that defines
+      the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him
+      professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the
+      county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over
+      the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy and wish
+      to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of enlightenment
+      which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more ignorant epochs
+      of time, when the practice of medicine was united with the profession of
+      the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the veterinarian or the coroner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I have
+      referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his
+      morphine syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to see
+      a patient with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes under
+      the other. People never knew when they saw him going to a neighbor's
+      house, whether the case had yielded to the coroner's treatment or
+      not. No one ever knew just when over-taxed nature would yield to the
+      statutes in such case made and provided.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical
+      treatment had been successfully fatal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the
+      night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and
+      coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and
+      finally recovered.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The experiences of some of the patients who escaped from this man read
+      more like fiction than fact. One man revived during the inquest, knocked
+      the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked the coroner in the
+      stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a shriek of laughter,
+      fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with a mammoth circus,
+      feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day at $9 a week and
+      found.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0058}.jpg" alt="{0058}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0058}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Down East Rum.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Rum has always been a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight that
+      Maine has made, for a century past, against decent rum, has been worthy of
+      a better cause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that
+      monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying
+      styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Denver your friend says: &ldquo;Will you come with me and shed a tear?&rdquo;
+      or &ldquo;Come and eat a clove with me.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: &ldquo;William, which would you
+      rather do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or go
+      over across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon Valley
+      tan, made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?&rdquo; I told him
+      that I had just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my drinking
+      any more, and that I had promised several people on their death beds never
+      to touch liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, so he would
+      have to excuse me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is all
+      shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in good
+      standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks and one
+      soft one on the inner door, give the password, &ldquo;Rutherford B. Hayes,&rdquo;
+      turn to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of a
+      mysterious gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the
+      encampment under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your
+      eyes, insult your digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture,
+      and hunt up the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be carried
+      very far.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he
+      can certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt
+      and vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine Maine
+      goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, where the
+      Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, with no warning
+      whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him land there a stranger
+      and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the underground methods of
+      securing a drink, and to him the world seems very gloomy, very sad, and
+      extremely arid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was rather
+      past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little full.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said: &ldquo;Madam, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the
+      advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been
+      now thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have
+      changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I
+      don't see but you look just as young as you did when I went away,
+      but I'm a poor hand to remember names, so I can't just call
+      you to mind.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is
+      singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with
+      me. I have often been alluded to as the &ldquo;drunkard's friend.&rdquo;
+      Men have been known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk
+      with me on some subject, and then they would lean up against me and
+      converse by the hour. A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking
+      with me. As long as I am willing to hold such a man up and listen to him,
+      he will stand and tell me about himself with the utmost confidence, and,
+      no matter who goes by, he does not seem to be ashamed to have people see
+      him talking with me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THAT BUTTONHOLE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9060}.jpg" alt="{9060}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9060}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted
+      into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and
+      popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the habit
+      of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me free
+      exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. After he
+      got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of his used to
+      pull him out of bed and drag him all over town. It don't seem hardly
+      possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is a
+      diagram of the buttonhole.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on
+      popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in
+      sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular
+      exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are
+      highly injurious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Railway Etiquette.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Many people have traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to
+      behave themselves when on the road. For the benefit and guidance of such,
+      these few crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of etiquette have been framed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an
+      approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud toots
+      and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the right of
+      way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a pedestrian
+      tourist spattered all over its first mortgage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in the
+      ice-water tank. If every one should do so, it would occasion great
+      confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay
+      during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their teeth
+      and retain them during the night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported you
+      until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, you
+      will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet extended
+      into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, while you
+      snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle,
+      like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your
+      head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen closet;
+      or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the window and
+      get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the road might
+      get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they wouldn't
+      know whose head it was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a
+      beastly state of intoxication.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your
+      fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. It
+      is better to refrain altogether from combing the moustache with a fork
+      while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork into your
+      eye and irritate it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have
+      burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild yell
+      of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but control
+      yourself, hoping to know more next time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded
+      in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the
+      wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast
+      time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during
+      that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he gets
+      home, he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. People
+      who have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to fill
+      themselves full of pie and colic when they travel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The female of this same mammal, goes into the ladies' department and
+      remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have
+      about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you never rode in a varnished car before, and never expect to again,
+      you will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of
+      the porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let
+      people see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to
+      soften.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you
+      will never wear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      B. Franklin, Deceased.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an only child.
+      If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of Benjamin's
+      parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting up in the
+      morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among seventeen
+      pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where
+      you would be called upon, every morning, to select your own cud of spruce
+      gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window sill.
+      And yet B. Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea,
+      and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a
+      printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great
+      Archimedean lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests of
+      freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly
+      weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash
+      towel could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye,
+      and roller composition, and that after a few years of time and
+      perspiration it would harden so that the &ldquo;Constant Reader&rdquo; or
+      &ldquo;Veritas&rdquo; could be stabbed with it and die soon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A DEADLY ONSLAUGHT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8063}.jpg" alt="{8063} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8063}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were
+      productive of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not
+      agree with them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This paper was called the <i>New England Courant</i>. It was edited
+      jointly by James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a
+      long-felt want. Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the
+      time. The idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving
+      volume to the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the
+      paper while the other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass
+      the king, and then, when the king came in the office the next day and
+      stopped his paper, and took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on
+      &ldquo;our informant&rdquo; and go right along with the paper. You had to
+      go to jail, while your subscribers wondered why their paper did not come,
+      and the paste soured in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and the circus
+      passed by on the other side.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: STOPPING HIS PAPER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9064}.jpg" alt="{9064}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9064}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in
+      jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? Who, of all
+      our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of freedom while a
+      double-column ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and eleven congresses of
+      ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their native lair, went by us?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to
+      Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to &ldquo;sub&rdquo; for
+      a few weeks, and then got a regular &ldquo;sit.&rdquo; Franklin was a good
+      printer, and finally got to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman,
+      sitting by the hour in the composing room and spitting on the stone, while
+      he cussed the make-up and press work of the other papers. Then he would go
+      into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to death with a wild shriek
+      for more copy. He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman, so that
+      strangers would think he owned the paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the <i>Pennsylvania
+      Gazette</i>. He was then regarded as a great man, and most everyone took
+      his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and spelled hard words
+      with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in any of his
+      newspaper work, and everybody respected him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of
+      lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said that he
+      would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd
+      specimens of lightning, if they would send them into the <i>Gazette</i>
+      office by express for examination. Every time there was a thunder storm,
+      Franklin would tell the foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a
+      string and an old fruit jar, he would go out on the hills and get enough
+      lightning for a mess.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;HOW'S TRADE?"}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8065}.jpg" alt="{8065} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8065}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made a
+      good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in
+      distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed a
+      letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was
+      addressed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on
+      business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to the
+      castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and
+      attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of course,
+      to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet umbrella up
+      against the throne, ask the king: &ldquo;How's trade?&rdquo;
+      Franklin never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head.
+      He used to say, frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven
+      spot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do
+      it, Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given it
+      permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got acquainted
+      with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris,
+      and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and start a paper.
+      They also promised him the county printing, but he said no, he would have
+      to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy about him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Franklin wrote &ldquo;Poor Richard's Almanac&rdquo; in 1732-57, and
+      it was republished in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his
+      name was William. William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to
+      be quite an old man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be
+      but an illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do
+      differently, but he steadily refused to do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Life Insurance as a Health Restorer.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Life insurance is a great thing. I would not be without it. My health is
+      greatly improved since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have a
+      seal-brown taste in my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that has
+      entirely disappeared. I am more hopeful and happy, and my hair is getting
+      thicker on top. I would not try to keep house without life insurance. Last
+      September I was caught in one of the most destructive cyclones that ever
+      visited a republican form of government. A great deal of property was
+      destroyed and many lives were lost, but I was spared. People who had no
+      insurance were mowed down on every hand, but aside from a broken leg I was
+      entirely unharmed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PROTECTED BY LIFE INSURANCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8067}.jpg" alt="{8067} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8067}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the
+      beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize anything
+      pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my wife to
+      affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, but
+      something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could not
+      attend to me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the doctor's
+      care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the time. He was a
+      young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and Fridays. The rest
+      of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses that were mentally
+      broken down. He said he attended me largely for my society. I felt
+      flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after he had been thrown
+      among horses all the week that had much greater advantages than I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said
+      she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but
+      after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered a
+      good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that account.
+      But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and I
+      recovered.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In these days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a new
+      administration, we ought to make some provision for the future.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Opium Habit.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have always had a horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so seductive
+      and so still in their operations. They steal through the blood like a wolf
+      on the trail, and they seize upon the heart at last with their white fangs
+      till it is still forever.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the Medicine
+      Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of the glittering,
+      eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the homes of the young
+      men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and now there are several
+      &ldquo;younger sons&rdquo; of Old England, with herds of horses, steers
+      and sheep, worth millions of dollars. These young men are not of the kind
+      of whom the metropolitan ass writes as saying &ldquo;youbetcherlife,&rdquo;
+      and calling everybody &ldquo;pardner.&rdquo; They are many of them college
+      graduates, who can brand a wild Maverick or furnish the easy gestures for
+      a Strauss waltz.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a
+      bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a
+      quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or
+      coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches
+      years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had
+      absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune to incur
+      the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one afternoon and
+      shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. He didn't
+      dream of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he passed through
+      the gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, and at the same
+      moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis' father, and then
+      a half dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to
+      the sage brush of the foot-hills.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the
+      herder with them, I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse
+      gray blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me&mdash;opium!
+      I said, did I understand you to say &ldquo;ropium?&rdquo; They said no, it
+      was opium. The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was
+      impossible.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was
+      very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the fact
+      that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was
+      rendered.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my curiosity.
+      Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around the neck. I did
+      not know this before. People who die by opium also tie their hands
+      together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities of opium
+      poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. I bequeath it to
+      medical science. Whenever I run up against a new scientific discovery, I
+      just hand it right over to the public without cost.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about people
+      who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the most
+      deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in the pure
+      mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure enough air to prolong life,
+      and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and delightful scenery
+      are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and passed away. Is it not
+      sad to contemplate?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      More Paternal Correspondence.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My dear son.&mdash;I tried to write to you last week, but didn't get
+      around to it, owing to circumstances. I went away on a little business
+      tower for a few days on the cars, and then when I got home the sociable
+      broke loose in our once happy home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new
+      well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I
+      had the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so
+      much about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever
+      slumbered at the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night
+      unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought
+      that I was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time,
+      and that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by
+      menials. When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot
+      flashes ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me
+      square, and I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told him
+      that at any time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just
+      holler through our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last week,
+      and when I got home your mother set me right to work borryin' chairs
+      and dishes. She had solicited some cakes and other things. I don't
+      know whether you are on the skedjule by which these sociables are run or
+      not. The idea is a novel one to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side out
+      for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. When
+      I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it seems
+      that the debt is a part of the worship.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part of
+      these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool
+      carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the
+      setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure him
+      for life. They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off
+      some of the plastering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper myself. I hope
+      that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an ornament to
+      society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I sincerely hope
+      that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should hate to have you with
+      a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If anybody has got
+      to fill a drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What has the
+      drunkard ever done for you, that you should fill his grave for him?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: ROUGH ON THE OLD CAT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0072}.jpg" alt="{0072}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0072}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly
+      right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect you
+      to let your studies encroach, too much on your polo, but try to unite the
+      two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel sad
+      and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one physical
+      wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I can do the
+      entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with a
+      belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I used
+      to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do it now
+      that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though I could
+      spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a Garabaldy waist
+      and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little camel's
+      hair whiskers of yours I would not believe that you had grown to be a
+      large, expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the thoughts you
+      express in your letters are far beyond your years. Do you think them
+      yourself, or is there some boy in the school that thinks all the thoughts
+      for the rest?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly grapple
+      with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff that you
+      had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till you come
+      home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, but that is
+      all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was young we had to
+      get our foreign languages the best we could, so I studied Chippewa without
+      a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his camp and kept me there for
+      some time while I acquired his language. He became so much attached to me
+      that I had great difficulty in coming away. I wish you would write in the
+      United States dialect as much as possible, and not try to paralize your
+      parents with imported expressions that come too high for poor people.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going
+      through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is
+      wearing out, and it is now way long into the shank of the evening. All we
+      ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled
+      myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and
+      get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair of
+      knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys holler
+      &ldquo;rats&rdquo; when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down,
+      remember that, no matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never
+      sour on you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your Father.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Twombley's Tale.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My name is Twombley, G.O.P. Twombley is my full name and I have had a
+      checkered career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked
+      right through, so I did so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long,
+      green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, I
+      dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The
+      Angora goat is a beautiful animal&mdash;in a picture. But out of a picture
+      he has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young girl
+      arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our
+      language. Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed,
+      and, though she was still young, there were traces of care and other
+      foreign substances plainly written there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had
+      been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you
+      examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September
+      afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a
+      low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to
+      tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other sex
+      that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not strike a
+      woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no right to
+      do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when I
+      go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel
+      would a lonely man like me turn upon?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me
+      in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in my
+      memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever rankled
+      in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his memory rankle
+      in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, and
+      then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, hunting
+      an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He had wandered
+      away, and for several days I had been unable to find him. So I sought for
+      him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I realized at once
+      that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the night in the
+      mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way became more
+      and more uncertain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain where
+      I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had known that
+      the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. There was
+      another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me until too
+      late.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked up
+      my cabin when I left it, and I feared that someone might get in while I
+      was absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and two
+      hens that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me before I
+      could get my business into such shape that I could return.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had no
+      matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All at once, someone fell down the shaft. I knew that it was a woman,
+      because she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this could
+      be accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked her up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did not know what to do, I was perfectly beside myself, and so was she.
+      I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people generally
+      chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe the hands of
+      a person to whom I had never been introduced.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her but I had neglected
+      to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This should be a
+      warning to people who habitually go around the country without alcoholic
+      stimulants.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, &ldquo;where am I?&rdquo; I
+      told her that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and
+      that whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no
+      farther.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then there was a long pause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think we had
+      been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she prophesied
+      a long, open fall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old
+      red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a
+      remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause
+      of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never got
+      out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No one
+      had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft
+      before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so
+      brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her that
+      this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away that I
+      did not think they would make any trouble about it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the violent
+      temper of her husband.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied that
+      he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her that in
+      the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not bound to him.
+      Still she feared the consequences of his wrath.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither had
+      she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft,
+      autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides
+      of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      On Cyclones.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9077}.jpg" alt="{9077}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9077}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I desire to state that my position as United States Cyclonist for this
+      Judicial District is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September,
+      A.D. 1884.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye
+      and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with men,
+      but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons and
+      throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal
+      Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn.
+      For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown up cyclone, of the
+      ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees
+      and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A.D. 1884,
+      my morbid curiosity was gratified.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out of
+      the crotch of a basswood tree with a &ldquo;tackle and fall,&rdquo; I
+      remember I told them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric
+      phenomena. The old desire for a hurricane that would blow a cow through a
+      penitentiary was satiated. I remember when the doctor pried the bones of
+      my leg together, in order to kind of draw my attention away from the limb,
+      he asked me how I liked the fall style of Zephyr in that locality.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of
+      bitter irony.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cyclones are of two kinds, viz: the dark maroon cyclone; and the iron gray
+      cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I frolicked
+      with on the above-named date.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had just
+      been singing a few bars from the opera of &ldquo;Whoop 'em Up,
+      Lizzie Jane,&rdquo; when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough
+      through the trees. Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through
+      the trees also, and I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get
+      started.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large butternut
+      tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WAITING TO BE PICKED.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9078}.jpg" alt="{9078}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9078}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged himself
+      from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, with my
+      personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as soon as
+      the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick the horse.
+      He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into town on a
+      stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight procession
+      coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying me into town
+      on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a poor boy!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and
+      insist on living a different life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. It
+      may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron constitution
+      to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but as far as I am
+      concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if we didn't
+      have a phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate of soda corset, and watch the
+      merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy
+      torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that
+      almost amounts to disgust.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Arabian Language.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The Arabian language belongs to what is called the Semitic or Shemitic
+      family of languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a
+      general riot among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Arabian letter &ldquo;jeem&rdquo; or &ldquo;jim,&rdquo; which
+      corresponds with our J, resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by
+      the delirium tremons expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the
+      letter is called jeem or jim, or not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The letter &ldquo;sheen&rdquo; or &ldquo;shin,&rdquo; which is some like
+      our &ldquo;sh&rdquo; in its effect, is a very pretty letter, and enough of
+      them would make very attractive trimming for pantalets or other clothing.
+      The entire Arabic alphabet, I think, would work up first-rate into
+      trimming for aprons, skirts, and so forth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman who
+      desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long felt want, must have a
+      small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this country we get
+      a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it out in type; but
+      in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then regards the press as
+      a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type maker and ask him to show you
+      his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or a three story
+      alphabet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down the
+      elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather duster.
+      In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case with the copy
+      before him, and has five or six boys running from one floor to another,
+      bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar alphabet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send
+      down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to run
+      up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters needed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building
+      without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means of a
+      long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that spilled
+      the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and although that
+      was ninety-seven years ago last April, there are still two bushels of pi
+      on the floor of that office. The paper employs rat printers, and as they
+      have been engaged in assorting and distributing this mass of pi, it is
+      called rat pi in China, and the term is quite popular.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9
+      extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may have
+      to go all over the empire, and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs to
+      find the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to use
+      body type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will avoid
+      caps and italics, unless he is very wealthy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How the
+      Arabian poets succeeded so well in writing their verse in their own
+      language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write
+      poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written
+      in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a
+      button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with
+      the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would
+      drive me mad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves to
+      take a tale and re-write it for the press by carefully expunging the
+      facts. It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh
+      touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been dead
+      several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the
+      incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has been translated several times with more or less success by various
+      writers, and some of the statements contained in the book are well worthy
+      of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting incident to a heated
+      presidential campaign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Verona.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of the
+      Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have never
+      returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that is the
+      reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE ODORS OF VERONA.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8081}.jpg" alt="{8081} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8081}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have
+      points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock
+      yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of
+      Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move around
+      and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it reminds
+      one of Verona.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky of
+      Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place,
+      however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people
+      now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not
+      taxed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the amphitheatre,
+      It is 404-1/2 feet by 516 in size, and the wall is still 100 feet high in
+      places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, but I refrained.
+      I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their way in and leave one
+      end of the amphitheatre open and then there would be a draft. I will speak
+      more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in another letter. There isn't
+      room in this one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said
+      to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I stood
+      in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine this
+      wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was certainly over
+      1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of &ldquo;Beautiful
+      Snow.&rdquo; I read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said it was
+      1,700 years old, which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the age of
+      MSS. Some can look at the teeth of a literary production and tell within
+      two weeks how old it is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the
+      age of wine. My rule used to be to observe how old I felt the next day and
+      to fix that as the age of the wine, but this rule I find is not
+      infallible. One time I found myself feeling the next day as though I might
+      be 138 years old, but on investigation we found that the wine was
+      extremely new, having been made at a drug store in Cheyenne that same day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE NEXT MORNING.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9082}.jpg" alt="{9082}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9082}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing
+      with a violet pencil on both sides of the large foolscap sheet, and then
+      folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket for
+      two or three centuries, is not a late American invention, as I had been
+      led to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was
+      permitted also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gaius. Gaius was a
+      poor penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work that
+      he was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his pocket with
+      his smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for smoking
+      tobacco was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late day. That's
+      all right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of smoking
+      tobacco.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me a little
+      different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in others. One
+      thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the total absence
+      of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. Salvation seems
+      to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, and the odor of
+      sancity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in hand. I have
+      already been in the place more than two days and I have not yet been
+      invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. Perhaps they
+      think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing about my dress
+      or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in Europe now six weeks
+      and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate traveling companions
+      do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster in disguise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the
+      guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut out of
+      one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside diameter
+      of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptized there without injury.
+      The Venetians have a great respect for water. They believe it ought not to
+      be used for anything else but to wash away sins, and even then they are
+      very economical about it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0083}.jpg" alt="{0083}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0083}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been
+      left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great
+      deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he could
+      do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his pictures
+      first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at
+      anything like a bed rock price.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Great Upheaval.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just received the following letter, which I take the liberty of
+      publishing, in order that good may come out of it, and that the public
+      generally may be on the watch:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      William Nye, Esq.&mdash;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Dear Sir:</i> There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great
+      anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, hoping
+      that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at this time
+      beneficially.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen
+      harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked
+      sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike passed
+      over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have tried men's
+      souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and united us more
+      closely as brothers and sisters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two
+      minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not
+      care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. None
+      of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on such
+      little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on beyond
+      the flood we may have a record to which we may point with pride.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who had
+      grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went out,
+      and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of infidelity
+      and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, and slammed
+      the doors, and created a young riot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and
+      through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have
+      laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble
+      dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and
+      our outgoings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church
+      has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why we
+      want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer from
+      unjust criticism and worldly scorn.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of age,
+      and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the first prayer,
+      and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and blood-curdling whoop,
+      jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. While this is in a measure
+      true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild and startling jumping, but
+      he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, but failed. He was too old.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build
+      up the church and society here than any other one man of his size, threw
+      his hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like
+      the word &ldquo;Gosh!&rdquo; hissed through clenched teeth, got out
+      through the window and went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an
+      element of truth in it, and I do not try to deny it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the
+      congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place.
+      Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action of
+      the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in our church, and been
+      such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the county
+      were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal to her;
+      when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her feet, and
+      swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not go home till
+      morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the
+      congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the
+      most, and have done us the most damage abroad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state that
+      this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which the ungodly
+      have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general tendency to
+      dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and therefore an
+      exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that the janitor had
+      started a light fire in the furnace, and that had revived a large nest of
+      common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm air pipe, and when they came
+      up through the register and united in the services, there was more or less
+      of an ovation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the above
+      circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently rising
+      and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner of his
+      mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens out a
+      new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the sullen roar
+      of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and swallowing up the
+      great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one little wasp, with a
+      red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that same man's
+      pantaloons, leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and sat down to
+      think it over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival that will
+      attract attention.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something from
+      it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to have more
+      zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was not directly
+      the result of the sermon which was preached on that day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours, with great respect,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      William Lemons.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Weeping Woman.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have not written much for publication lately, because I did not feel
+      well, I was fatigued. I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook me
+      up a good deal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who
+      got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's
+      Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu to a
+      man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce far
+      niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had been
+      a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the fact.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: SHE SOBBED SEVERAL MORE TIMES.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9087}.jpg" alt="{9087}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9087}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said &ldquo;good-bye,&rdquo;
+      allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone
+      interlude on my spinal column, and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, hot
+      tears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a pugilist
+      from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly courteous,
+      especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an obscure boy
+      with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except his wife or
+      his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man who has had
+      to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has come out of
+      obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, and won the good
+      will of those with whom he came in contact, will always find me cordial
+      and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the broad, high,
+      intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with his feet on my new
+      and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the tear-bedewed memento
+      from Minkin's Siding.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows
+      in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few
+      miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not
+      resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for a
+      few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her
+      eyes. I also scrutinized her lineaments some.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in a
+      railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning to
+      totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes should
+      not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person was not
+      handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look as though
+      they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had failed to do
+      so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad as
+      the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, but who
+      will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that wouldn't
+      fool anybody.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American
+      people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead
+      anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered, that it
+      had an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she cooked
+      the pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible that she
+      would do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the subject
+      of literature, picking up a volume that had been left in her seat by the
+      train boy, entitled: &ldquo;Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, The Child
+      Fiend; price $2,&rdquo; we drifted on pleasantly into the broad domain of
+      letters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books,&rdquo;
+      said she; &ldquo;I am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have
+      read, you wouldn't believe it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe
+      things that would make the ordinary rooster quail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American &ldquo;Jewdesprit,&rdquo;
+      she refrained from saying anything about it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I read a good deal,&rdquo; she continued, &ldquo;and it keeps me
+      all strung up. I weep, O so easily.&rdquo; Just then she lightly laid her
+      hand on my arm, and I could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I
+      felt like asking her if she had ever tried running herself through a
+      clothes wringer every morning? I did feel that someone ought to chirk her
+      up, so I asked her if she remembered the advice of the editor who received
+      a letter from a young lady troubled the same way. She stated that she
+      couldn't explain it, but every little while, without any apparent
+      cause, she would shed tears, and the editor asked her why she didn't
+      lock up the shed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while she
+      would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I had
+      never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I heard
+      about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, and yet
+      that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that far-away
+      expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on my arm in
+      such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from Pittsburg
+      full play, and told me how such works as &ldquo;The New Made Grave; or The
+      Twin Murderers&rdquo; had cost her many and many a copious tear, I told
+      her I was glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of such
+      books to weep at home and work up their honest perspiration into scalding
+      tears, far be it from me to grudge that poor boon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the pores
+      of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an inherited
+      antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they would rather
+      work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the shape of common
+      red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. People have
+      different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one will hesitate
+      about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not happen to be
+      using at the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Crops.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just been through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of
+      inspection. I rode for over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car,
+      examining crops, so that I could write an intelligent report.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9090}.jpg" alt="{9090}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9090}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the
+      season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix
+      valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers
+      should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they know
+      from the experience of former years that it will surely rust.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and
+      cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for
+      several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth
+      cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very
+      inferior quality.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist
+      entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large
+      quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I notice
+      an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will be
+      necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be
+      readily administered at any hour of the day or night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. And
+      what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green vines
+      in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little crook-neck
+      squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in the cool
+      morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder&mdash;his first
+      attempt in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained wisdom by
+      experience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as
+      usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers of
+      butter down the back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      N.B.&mdash;It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn
+      mostly inside.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that
+      continued dry weather in the early summer did it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders thought
+      that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse could not
+      survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked better in
+      this State than they do this fall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for hop-lice.
+      Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill her own
+      coffers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: ENJOYING HIMSELF AT THE DANCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0091}.jpg" alt="{0091}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0091}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in
+      speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either a
+      hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and
+      naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the
+      Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry and
+      choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the northern district is light. The early
+      dwarf crab, with or without, worms, as desired&mdash;but mostly with&mdash;is
+      unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into a
+      brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand until
+      Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I have
+      tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around there
+      like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of admission.
+      Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it goes right to my
+      head and makes me eccentric.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The violin virtuoso who &ldquo;fiddled,&rdquo; &ldquo;called off&rdquo;
+      and acted as justice of the peace that evening, said that I threw aside
+      all reserve and entered with great zest into the dance, and seemed to
+      enjoy it much better than those who danced in the same set with me. Since
+      that, the very sight of a common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned
+      afterward that this cider had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we
+      drank that night was the clear, old-fashioned brandy, which of course
+      would not freeze.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be
+      ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0092}.jpg" alt="{0092}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0092}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Literary Freaks.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those
+      who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There is
+      a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature very
+      much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn sheller. This
+      is erroneous.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem or
+      a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the casual
+      observer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in that
+      direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that line. For
+      instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three young men
+      who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the Fourth of July.
+      They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If I would write
+      the speeches they would be willing to revise them. They seemed to think it
+      would be a good idea to write the speeches a little longer than necessary
+      and then the poorer parts of the effort could be cut out. Various prices
+      were set on these efforts, from a dollar to &ldquo;the kindest regards.&rdquo;
+      People who have squeezed through one of our adult winters in this
+      latitude, subsisting on kind regards, will please communicate with the
+      writer, stating how they like it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of
+      &ldquo;humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy.&rdquo;
+      It was a big temptation to write something that would be in every lady's
+      mouth, but I refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to
+      the domain of literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be
+      haughty and above my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Another man wanted me to write a &ldquo;piece for his boy to speak,&rdquo;
+      and if I would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and
+      stay over Sunday. He said that the boy was &ldquo;a perfect little case to
+      carry on and folks didn't know whether he would develop into a
+      condemb fool or a youmerist.&rdquo; So he wanted a piece of one of them
+      tomfoolery kind for the little cuss to speak the last day of school.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HIS MOTTO.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9094}.jpg" alt="{9094}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9094}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor by
+      apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a
+      family crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run out
+      of crests, but that &ldquo;weight for the wagon, we'll all take a
+      ride,&rdquo; would be a good motto; or he might use the following: &ldquo;The
+      fuel and his money are soon parted.&rdquo; He might emblazon this on his
+      arms, or tattoo it on any other part of his system where he thought it
+      would be becoming to his complexion. I never heard from him again, and I
+      do not know whether he was offended or not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they
+      &ldquo;had a good thing on mother.&rdquo; They wanted it written up in a
+      facetious vein. They said that their father had been on the coast a few
+      weeks before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but
+      partially full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got
+      drowned. Finally, after several days' search, the neighbors came in
+      sadly and told the old lady thai they had found all that was mortal of
+      James, and there were two eels in the remains. They asked for further
+      instructions as to deceased. The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes,
+      braced herself against the sink and told the men to &ldquo;bring in the
+      eels and set him again.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, &ldquo;it
+      would be a mighty good joke on mother.&rdquo; I was greatly shocked when I
+      received this letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak
+      lightly of their widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt
+      about it, and rebuked them severely for treating their mother's
+      grief so lightly. Also for trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Father's Advice to His Son.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My dear Henry.&mdash;Your pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more
+      means with which to persecute your studies, and also a young man from
+      Ohio, is at hand and carefully noted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to your
+      teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look
+      egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man that
+      never had any advantages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It is
+      not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's
+      where the enormity of the thing comes in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last year,
+      or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your
+      warden. He maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the
+      campus in some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and got
+      his fangs tangled up in the bridge of your nose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You never wrote this to me or to your mother, but I know how busy you are
+      with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just
+      to write to us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a
+      hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of
+      your ears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if
+      there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be
+      pleased to do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped
+      belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your
+      little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an
+      youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his
+      words have all been spelled correct.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that when
+      you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a
+      seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise
+      and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal colyum
+      look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a Japan
+      show I was to last week.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that come
+      in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and beefed
+      her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and algebray? Have you
+      forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and made you
+      tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you remember how
+      your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I stayed to
+      home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my own vittles
+      for the whole two weeks?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you
+      are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's
+      features so that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad
+      that your little pleated coat is ripped up the back, Henry, under the
+      circumstances, and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt&mdash;over
+      your off eye. If there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of
+      the occasion, please let me know and I will tend to it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor,
+      weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent pail
+      without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute little
+      quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves to
+      swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, and
+      then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that when I
+      address the sabbath school the children will see the joke and enjoy it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself to
+      a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one large
+      bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to hold out
+      faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the same great
+      blessing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will find inclosed a dark-blue money-order for four eighty-five. It is
+      money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty about
+      paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as
+      it used to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of
+      greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in that
+      colledge of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped onto.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So good-bye for this time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your Father.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Eccentricity in Lunch.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Over at Kasota Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He was
+      a man of about medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet
+      disposition, and not noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. He runs
+      the railroad eating-house at that point, and the one odd characteristic
+      which he has, makes him well known all through three or four States. I
+      could not illustrate his eccentricity any better than by relating a
+      circumstance that occurred to me at the Junction last week. I had just
+      eaten breakfast there and paid for it. I stepped up to the cigar case and
+      asked this man if he had &ldquo;a rattling good cigar.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE ANTIQUE LUNCH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8097}.jpg" alt="{8097} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8097}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems
+      to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't
+      fit very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner
+      and said, &ldquo;No, sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the
+      house. I have some cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they
+      are mostly filled with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a
+      box over yonder that I bought for good, straight ten cent cigars, but they
+      are only a chaos of hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a
+      Wisconsin wrapper. Over in the other end of the case is a brand of cigars
+      that were to knock the tar out of all other kinds of weeds, according to
+      the urbane rustler who sold them to me, and then drew on me before I could
+      light one of them. Well, instead of being a fine Colorado Claro with a
+      high-priced wrapper, they are common Mexicano stinkaros in a Mother
+      Hubbard wrapper. The commercial tourist who sold me those cigars and then
+      drew on me at sight was a good deal better on the draw than his cigars
+      are. If you will notice, you will see that each cigar has a spinal column
+      to it, and this outer debris is wrapped around it. One man bought a cigar
+      out of that box last week. I told him, though, just as I am telling you,
+      that they were no good, and if he bought one he would regret it. But he
+      took one and went out on the veranda to smoke it. Then he stepped on a
+      melon rind and fell with great force on his side. When we picked him up he
+      gasped once or twice and expired. We opened his vest hurriedly and found
+      that, in falling, this bouquet de Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal
+      column, had been driven through his breast bone and had penetrated his
+      heart. The wrapper of the cigar never so much as cracked.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild,
+      reckless way about your cigars?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my
+      cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile
+      they get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar
+      man ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch
+      counter. If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to him
+      if I've got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn
+      my sandwiches over, you will find the date of its publication on every
+      one. If they are not fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer
+      that they are not so blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze
+      moustache, but that I can remember very well when they were fresh, and if
+      his artificial teeth fit him pretty well he can try one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating
+      stamp, and as soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for
+      inspection, I date them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is
+      stamped on them. If one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would
+      fire him too quick.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri
+      Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with
+      mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, I
+      don't conceal the horrible fact.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a
+      mediaeval egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I suppose that if every eating-house should date everything, and be
+      square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay;
+      but as it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and
+      people come here out of curiosity a good deal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the
+      general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who travel
+      are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to have a
+      thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches under my
+      nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. It's
+      an honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for my
+      hand-made, all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven would
+      be no object.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Insomnia in Domestic Animals.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      If there be one thing above another that I revel in, it is science. I have
+      devoted much of my life to scientific research, and though it hasn't
+      made much stir in the scientific world so far, I am positive that when I
+      am gone the scientists of our day will miss me, and the red-nosed theorist
+      will come and shed the scalding tear over my humble tomb.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic
+      animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia Borgia.
+      I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I purchased
+      him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored Lucretia,
+      but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved children. The
+      owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of children, and I found
+      that he was. He seemed to love them best in the spring of the year, when
+      they were tender. He would have eaten up a favorite child of mine, if the
+      youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in his pocket which clogged the
+      glottis of Lucretia till I could get there and disengage what was left of
+      the child.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my
+      casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent
+      night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or
+      wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several nights
+      in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to different
+      members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and stole out to
+      kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was not there. Then the
+      faithful animal would run up to me and with almost human, pleading eyes,
+      bark and run away toward a distant alley. I immediately decided that some
+      one was suffering there. I had read in books about dogs that led their
+      masters away to the suffering and saved people's lives; so, when
+      Lucretia came to me with his great, honest eyes and took little mementoes
+      out of the calf of my leg, and then galloped off seven or eight blocks, I
+      followed him in the chill air of night and my Mosaic clothes. I wandered
+      away to where the dog stopped behind a livery stable, and there, lying in
+      a shuddering heap on the frosty ground, lay the still, white features of a
+      soup bone that had outlived its usefulness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an
+      American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. The
+      physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the
+      friendless, when he discovered who I was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: EXCITING PUBLIC CURIOSITY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0101}.jpg" alt="{0101}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0101}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, cut
+      plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic overshoes
+      on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, with his trim,
+      purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly gallops after a
+      hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, surprising that people's
+      curiosity should be a little bit excited.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After I had introduced myself to the physician and asked him for a cigar,
+      explaining that I could not find any in the clothes I had on, I asked him
+      about Lucretia Borgia. I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless
+      nights and nervous and irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a
+      mental wreck, and asked him what the trouble was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said it was undoubtedly &ldquo;insomnia.&rdquo; He said that it was a
+      bad case of it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't
+      mind the insomnia that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting
+      more insomnia on my hands than I could use.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it in a
+      link of sausage and leave the sausage where it would appear that I didn't
+      want the dog to get it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was
+      concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It
+      must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next
+      morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where
+      the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to the
+      modern American dog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Along Lake Superior.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling along
+      the Bay of Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, vapor and
+      other campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in the bay at
+      Duluth was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the last week in
+      March, and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By the time these
+      lines fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and urbane reader, the
+      new railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and a half long, will have
+      been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago to Duluth over the
+      Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. I would be glad to
+      digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer scenery along the
+      Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, and the dark and silent
+      Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out pappooselet, were it not for
+      the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would invoke from the scenery cynic
+      who believes that a newspaper man's opinions may be largely warped
+      with a pass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and takes
+      it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met at the
+      opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as those I
+      conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to live in.
+      Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats 1,000
+      people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera house the
+      evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the
+      world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this
+      cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a cramp
+      in the geographical center.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which
+      stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all waiting
+      for the boom to strike and make the northern Chicago. You cannot visit
+      Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of trade
+      will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis of the
+      northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will decide it,
+      and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to get the
+      benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the west end of
+      this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be designated.
+      Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her favor, and in
+      fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I had a block in
+      West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear my best clothes every
+      day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. Ex-President R. B. Hayes
+      has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does not occupy it. Those who go
+      to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be bitterly disappointed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next
+      summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly
+      saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out through
+      my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a beautiful
+      toothpick holder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. All
+      I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself from
+      day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled nose
+      on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office hours.
+      Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my usual reserve
+      this summer also&mdash;for the time. P. Wales' son and I will be far
+      from the cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People who come
+      to our cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will be received
+      as cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that we
+      are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where they
+      will fool themselves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great maelstrom
+      of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to thrill
+      waiting millions from the rostrum with my &ldquo;Tale of the Broncho Cow.&rdquo;
+      And so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must
+      toil on from daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings,
+      while others are born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and wring
+      tears of genuine anguish from their audiences.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there
+      total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he
+      knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there
+      on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when he
+      returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned up that
+      his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who weighed 300
+      pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes everywhere. He was
+      the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed to do in this life was
+      to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his stomach, first on one
+      knee and then on the other.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region a
+      broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been measured
+      for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used either of
+      them. He knew a clergyman named Brayley who went up into that region with
+      Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that he
+      couldn't carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones
+      so that it made him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton
+      so that he wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to
+      sleeping out nights on a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating
+      venison and trout.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen and
+      one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a joke.
+      There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, and when
+      the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them well enough to
+      go around to the office and draw their pay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how
+      bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do
+      not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing
+      left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard
+      winter of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      I Tried Milling.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I think I was about 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a
+      miller, with flour on my clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This was
+      not the first thing I had decided to be, and afterward changed my mind
+      about.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; at
+      least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was to
+      weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon grass
+      and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he would
+      stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to say that
+      it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the mill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my ear,
+      in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into doing
+      a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out of the
+      turbine wheel at 5 o'clock A.M., and then frolic up six flights of
+      stairs and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock P.M.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general knowledge
+      of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to scoop middlings
+      till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the landscape and
+      ponder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did middlings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown study,
+      whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated my
+      salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could
+      superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed and
+      other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot
+      overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical day.
+      I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he said
+      &ldquo;dod gammit&rdquo; or something that sounded like that, in a course
+      and brutal manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of
+      voice, and told me that the feed stone was burning up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and,
+      finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned
+      my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that it
+      would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my
+      determination to go.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE MADE IT AN OBJECT FOR ME TO GO.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8107}.jpg" alt="{8107} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8107}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and I
+      went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of the
+      ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own
+      exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of wheat
+      up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal in my
+      hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to accomplish
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my
+      clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and
+      buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to
+      the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good
+      that I resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the
+      proprietor had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better
+      that way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked
+      wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down the
+      back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk
+      Kensington dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill,
+      and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to me.
+      More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when he came
+      in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and extemporaneous
+      manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and beautiful scenery. He
+      may have been a good miller, but he had no love for the beautiful. Perhaps
+      that is why he was always so cold and cruel toward me. My slender, willowy
+      grace and mellow, bird-like voice never seemed to melt his stony heart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Our Forefathers.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Seattle, W.T., December 12.&mdash;I am up here on the Sound in two senses.
+      I rode down to-day from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture
+      at Frye's Opera House.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the man
+      who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat himself on
+      the back and say &ldquo;ha ha,&rdquo; or words to that effect. The city is
+      situated on the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of that
+      world's most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all
+      day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon the
+      briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never
+      tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will be
+      glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The
+      gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced
+      meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me that
+      when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose no time
+      in crossing it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of
+      course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I
+      held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor
+      judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 adonis who comes along and asks
+      for their suffrages will get them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Not much!!!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without
+      stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still
+      chooses with unerring judgment at the polls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll books
+      in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities&mdash;with a powerful
+      magnifier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that
+      city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in
+      the festivities of that occasion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a long
+      time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation of your
+      kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather myself, I
+      assure you that I sympathize with you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day of
+      your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a man
+      to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot
+      understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself, you
+      can speak from experience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early
+      dawn of our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its
+      socket, as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that
+      you were a forefather.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Forefathers; you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you and wrest
+      the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As forefathers you
+      have never been successfully scooped.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a
+      forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask him
+      like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There is no
+      reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a forefather to
+      become insolent to other forefathers who are far his seniors. As a rule, I
+      notice it is the young amateur forefather who has only been so a few days,
+      in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more
+      generally in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo us
+      in this matter while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot understand.
+      Our church sociables and homicides in the West will compare favorably with
+      those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. Our educational
+      institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, especially our
+      embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of refinement and haughty
+      reserve which enables us at times to fool the best judges. Many of our
+      Western people have been to the Atlantic seaboard and remained all summer
+      without falling into the hands of the bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend
+      of mine who bathed his plump limbs in the Atlantic last summer during the
+      day, and mixed himself up in the mazy dance at night, told me on his
+      return that he had enjoyed the summer immensely, but that he had returned
+      financially depressed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah,&rdquo; said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume
+      while talking to men who know more than I do, &ldquo;you fell into the
+      hands of the cultivated confidence man?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, William,&rdquo; he said sadly, &ldquo;worse than that. I
+      stopped at a seaside hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the
+      gentlemanly bunko man and the Wall street dealer in lamb's pelts, as
+      my better judgment prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am
+      almost insolvent. I begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old
+      Texas steer with which I went into the cattle industry five years ago.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other
+      institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather
+      industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, viz:
+      I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish a branch
+      forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside for
+      the benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are just
+      as apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who
+      contemplate becoming forefathers should remember this.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      In Acknowledgement.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To The Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., New York.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gentlemen.&mdash;I received the copy of your justly celebrated &ldquo;Guide
+      to rapid Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion,&rdquo;
+      price twenty-five cents. It is a great boon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I
+      return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents for
+      it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of the fifteen
+      cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a curiosity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in all its details, and I was
+      especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One
+      style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, is
+      worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your formula.
+      I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, and he has
+      not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered to him. People
+      who have examined it say that it retains its position on his person
+      similar to a birthmark.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but
+      adhere. Among other specialties it effects a singular odor. It has a
+      fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the
+      lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man
+      will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think that
+      possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and cement formula
+      mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt administration in a
+      warm room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed
+      drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The chapter
+      on bar etiquette is also excellent. Very few men know how to properly
+      enter a bar-room and what to do after they arrive. How to get into a
+      bar-room without attracting attention, and how to get out without police
+      interference, are points upon which our American drunkards are lamentably
+      ignorant. How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no
+      student of good breeding could well omit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks under
+      your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then rob
+      intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without the
+      use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our sons and
+      brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are doing a good
+      work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy
+      combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly
+      celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated he
+      would be in the New Jerusalem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will
+      close their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs and
+      a look of intense anguish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and ingenious.
+      Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives in the
+      manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly unprepared
+      to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is constructed that
+      would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like rain water that was
+      rained about the first time that any raining was ever done, and was
+      deprived of air ever since.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HOW TO WIN AFFECTION.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0113}.jpg" alt="{0113}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0113}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      The closing chapter on the subject of &ldquo;How to win the affections of
+      the opposite sex at sixty yards,&rdquo; is first-rate. It is wonderful
+      what triumph science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate
+      conditions! Only a few years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks
+      and months in order to win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your
+      valuable and scholarly work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the
+      closing chapter an hour or two, then goes out into society and gathers in
+      his victim. And yet I do not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in
+      those years when people were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like
+      yours to tell me how to win the affections of the opposite sex. I could
+      only blunder on, week after week and yet I do not regret it. It was just
+      the school I needed. It did me good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but I
+      have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let me go
+      right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the opposite
+      sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your great work, but
+      I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Preventing a Scandal.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Boys should never be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which to
+      acquire money. Too many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be
+      embarrassed when asked to do chores, and thus earn small sums of money. In
+      order to appreciate wealth we must earn it ourselves. That is the reason I
+      labor. I do not need to labor. My parents are still living, and they
+      certainly would not see me suffer for the necessities of life. But life in
+      that way would not have the keen relish that it would if I earned the
+      money myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. I
+      remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother and
+      myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed the
+      job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we
+      decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer
+      day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be apt
+      to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet with
+      him on various &ldquo;dead sure things&rdquo; until he got the wood sawed,
+      when he went away owing us fifty cents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned our
+      own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So he
+      told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would give
+      him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to teach the
+      boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man went away, the
+      boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, by which process
+      the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in clothes, meeting his
+      father at the train in a new summer suit and a speckled cane. The old man
+      said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's clear, honest eyes,
+      that healthful exercise was what boys needed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying
+      coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do it
+      themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and
+      other zoological attractions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such a
+      way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated inside
+      the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the owner to come
+      along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled strong of carbolic
+      acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician and surgeon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to carry the coal up two
+      flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. Finally we
+      agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the last flight of
+      stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about nineteen pounds
+      apiece and my face was very sombre.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the
+      dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little
+      closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into the
+      closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door and
+      stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me like a
+      prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over me. Its
+      glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and rested
+      lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone in the
+      small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. Whether
+      it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I thought,
+      for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name and a
+      strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his coal
+      carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get rooms
+      two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would have
+      further to fall when they made their egress.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      About Portraits.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Hudson, Wis., August 25, 1885.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hon. William F. Vilas, Postmaster-General, Washington, D.C.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir,&mdash;For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and
+      asking you how you were getting along with your department since I left
+      it. I did not wish to write you for the purpose of currying favor with an
+      administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. Neither do I
+      desire to convey the impression that I would like to open a correspondence
+      with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever feel like sitting
+      down and answering this letter in an off-hand way it would please me very
+      much, but do not put yourself out to do so. I wanted to ask you, however,
+      how you like the pictures of yourself recently published by the patent
+      insides. That was my principal object in writing. Having seen you before
+      this great calamity befell you, I wanted to inquire whether you had really
+      changed so much. As I remember your face, it was rather unusually
+      intellectual and attractive for a great man. Great men are very rarely
+      pretty. I guess that, aside from yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, there
+      is hardly an eminent man in the country who would be considered handsome.
+      But the engraver has done you a great injustice, or else you have sadly
+      changed since I saw you. It hardly seems possible that your nose has
+      drifted around to leeward and swelled up at the end, as the engraver would
+      have us believe. I do not believe that in a few short months the look of
+      firmness and conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that
+      of indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as
+      printed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A NOSE ON THE BIAS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8117}.jpg" alt="{8117} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8117}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart
+      ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. Two
+      of Wisconsin's ablest men have been thus slaughtered by the rude
+      broad-axe of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man
+      with a first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way.
+      It makes me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good
+      citizen, husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoom of wrath
+      at such times, and I am not responsible for what I do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of party,
+      so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the
+      postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and
+      making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper are
+      seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear either
+      as a dude or a tough.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having
+      belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g.o.p., I cannot
+      refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may have
+      differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, I
+      cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts to
+      injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle hard
+      through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only at
+      last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they will
+      injure us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: ASSORTED PHYSIOGNOMY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9118}.jpg" alt="{9118}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9118}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those who
+      are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these portraits will
+      make no difference. We will not allow them to influence us socially or
+      politically. What the effect may be upon offensive partisans who are total
+      strangers to you, I do not know.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and
+      interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for all
+      great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one head
+      with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head with hair
+      (side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with glasses), one
+      pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, one turn-up nose, one
+      set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair side-whiskers, one chin, one
+      set large ears, one set medium ears, one set small ears, one set
+      shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, one monkey-wrench, one set
+      quoins, one galley, one oil can, one screwdriver. These different features
+      are then arranged so that a great variety of clergymen, murderers,
+      senators, embezzlers, artists, dynamiters, humorists, arsonists,
+      larcenists, poets, statesmen, base ball players, rinkists, pianists,
+      capitalists, bigamists and sluggists are easily represented. No newspaper
+      office should be without them. They are very simple, and any child can
+      easily learn to operate it. They are invaluable in all cases, for no one
+      knows at what moment a revolting crime may be committed by a comparatively
+      unknown man, whose portrait you wish to give, and in this age of rapid
+      political transformations, presentations and combinations, no enterprising
+      paper should delay the acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of
+      its readers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no
+      guilty man escape, I remain, yours truly,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Old South.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The Old South Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable structure
+      in many respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always eager
+      wherever I go to search out at once the gospel privileges, it is not to be
+      wondered at, that I should have gone to the Old South the first day after
+      I landed in Boston.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except,
+      perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The
+      Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the old
+      meetinghouse now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. John
+      Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in 1729 the
+      present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston says:
+      &ldquo;It is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to
+      remain in this iconoclastic age.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I
+      thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, and
+      had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought it was
+      none of my business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or
+      absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon
+      supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask
+      how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European
+      plan, however.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that
+      cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane and
+      look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Benjamin Franklin was baptized and attended worship here, prior to his
+      wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat the
+      man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and put it in
+      a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the rebels
+      discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his famous
+      speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and the &ldquo;tea
+      party&rdquo; organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago
+      exactly, the British used the Old South as a military riding school,
+      although a majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in which
+      our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as they
+      did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, they
+      had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far away
+      from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them without
+      suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. Alas,
+      however, when they landed at Plymouth rock there was not a decent hotel in
+      the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be discovered
+      along the Atlantic sea-board to-day was there, and a cruel, relentless sky
+      frowned upon their endeavors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and
+      floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin
+      pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious
+      facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born
+      of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through these
+      years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! (Big
+      firecrackers and applause.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MR. FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8121}.jpg" alt="{8121} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8121}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather
+      business. They did not know that future generations in four-button
+      cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of
+      respect on their untimely death. If they stayed at home the king taxed
+      them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get
+      enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home so
+      full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door
+      without great pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and
+      education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to print
+      newspapers so that we can have them in the morning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business
+      purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the old
+      landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be secured,
+      and that the old meeting-house&mdash;dear not alone to the people of
+      Boston, but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who
+      cannot forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings&mdash;will be
+      spared to entertain within its hospitable walls, enthusiastic and
+      reverential visitors for ages without end.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Knights of the Pen.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When you come to think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper men
+      write so that any one but an expert can read it. The rapid and voluminous
+      work, especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful business
+      college penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have specimens of
+      my own handwriting that a total stranger could read.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so
+      characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear cut style of the
+      man, as is that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago <i>News</i>. As the
+      &ldquo;Nonpareil Writer&rdquo; of the Denver <i>Tribune</i>, it was a
+      mystery to me when he did the work which the paper showed each day as his
+      own. You would sometimes find him at his desk, writing on large sheets of
+      &ldquo;print paper&rdquo; with a pen and violet ink, in a hand that was as
+      delicate as the steel plate of a bank note and the kind of work that
+      printers would skirmish for. He would ask you to sit down in the chair
+      opposite his desk, which had two or three old exchanges thrown on it. He
+      would probably say, &ldquo;Never mind those papers. I've read them.
+      Just sit down on them if you want to.&rdquo; Encouraged by his hearty
+      manner, you would sit down, and you would continue to sit down till you
+      had protruded about three-fourths of your system through that hollow
+      mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help you out and curse the chair,
+      and feel pained because he had erroneously given you the ruin with no seat
+      to it. He always felt pained over such things. He always suffered keenly
+      and felt shocked over the accident until you had gone away, and then he
+      would sigh heavily and &ldquo;set&rdquo; the chair again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE RUIN.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9123}.jpg" alt="{9123}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9123}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Frank Pixley, the editor of the San Francisco <i>Argonaut</i>, is not
+      beautiful, though the <i>Argonaut</i> is. He is grim and rather on the
+      Moses Montefiore style of countenance, but his hand-writing does not
+      convey the idea of the man personally, or his style of dealing with the
+      Chinese question. It is rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner
+      of an eighteen-year-old boy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Robert J. Burdette writes a small but plain hand, though he sometimes
+      suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a
+      moment as ye think not, and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright
+      eyed children of the brain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like
+      it, cheery, bright and entertaining; but we know him and find that
+      personally he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid
+      liver and a nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob
+      Burdette, however, You think you will like him, and you always do. He will
+      never be too famous to be a gentleman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of
+      chirography. It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very
+      voluminously, doing his editorial writing in two days of the week,
+      generally Friday and Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous bird
+      dog and an improved double barrel duck destroyer and communes with nature.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest
+      of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be betrayed into
+      making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he
+      characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually pays
+      postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, that it
+      will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its object.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume
+      of old time anecdotes and funny experiences.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Goodwin, of the old <i>Territorial Enterprise</i>, and Mark Twain's
+      old employer, writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very
+      plainly. The way he sharpens a &ldquo;hard medium&rdquo; lead pencil and
+      skins the apostle of the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
+      Saints, makes my heart glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not
+      threatened by the low browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war
+      horse raises the standard of monogamy and under the motto, &ldquo;One
+      country, one flag and one wife at a time,&rdquo; he smokes his old
+      meerschaum pipe and writes a column of razor blades every day. He is the
+      buzz saw upon which polygamy has tried to sit. Fighting these rotten
+      institutions hand to hand and fighting a religious eccentricity through an
+      annual message, or a feeble act of congress, are two separate and distinct
+      things.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I would
+      go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my loins,
+      and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with the aid
+      and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor the right
+      of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg the
+      bogus Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes pin
+      on its nose, would come and see what was the matter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I haven't
+      time to regret it now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Wild Cow.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      When I was young and used to roam around over the country, gathering
+      water-melons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk
+      anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now
+      unless the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many
+      years. The last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity;
+      kind of a self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her
+      tail high and she was haughty, oh, so haughty.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very best of
+      society, one that need not have given offence anywhere. I said &ldquo;So&rdquo;&mdash;and
+      she &ldquo;soed.&rdquo; Then I told her to &ldquo;hist&rdquo; and she
+      histed. But I thought she overdid it. She put too much expression in it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and fall
+      with a dull, sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to see what
+      it was that caused the noise. They found that I had done it in getting
+      through the window.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked the neighbors if the barn was still standing. They said it was.
+      Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be quite
+      robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, and see
+      if they could get my plug hat off her horns.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who
+      will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels as
+      though he could trust me, it is all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE WILD COW.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0127}.jpg" alt="{0127}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0127}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Spinal Meningitis.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      So many people have shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named
+      disease, and so few have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it
+      affords the patient, unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have
+      decided to briefly say something in answer to the innumerable inquiries I
+      have received.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never
+      employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a
+      great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, who
+      will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for
+      pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was
+      contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might depend
+      on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse doctor,
+      a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine squirt in the
+      arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the headache, and she is now
+      with the rest of this veterinarian's patients in a land that is
+      fairer than this.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change of
+      scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with people
+      who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene and rest to
+      last them through all eternity. He was called once to prescribe for a man
+      whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, and, after treating the
+      man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed rest and change of scene
+      for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now breathing the extremely rarified
+      air of the New Jerusalem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meningitis is derived from the Latin <i>Meninges</i>, membrane, and&mdash;<i>itis</i>,
+      an affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis is
+      the inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or
+      cerebrum, is called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, etc.,
+      according to the part of the spine or brain involved in the inflammation.
+      Meningitis is a characteristic and result of so-called spotted fever, and
+      by many it is deemed identical with it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down
+      through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae, and that the brain and
+      spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony wall and
+      covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to understand
+      that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets inflamed, a
+      doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about a yard and a
+      half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers Brothers'
+      spoon handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he would a page
+      of the <i>Congressional Record</i>, and to treat it with some local
+      application. When you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor tackles
+      you with bromides, ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, codi, bromide
+      of ammonia, hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, morphine sulph.,
+      nux vomica, turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex magnus, opium,
+      cantharides, Dover's powders, and other bric-a-brac. These remedies
+      are masticated and acted upon by the salivary glands, passed down the
+      esophagus, thrown into the society of old gastric, submitted to the
+      peculiar motion of the stomach and thoroughly chymified, then forwarded
+      through the pyloric orifice into the smaller intestines, where they are
+      touched up with bile, and later on handed over through the lacteals,
+      thoracic duct, etc., to the vast circulatory system. Here it is yanked
+      back and forth through the heart, lungs and capillaries, and if anything
+      is left to fork over to the disease, it has to squeeze into the long,
+      bony, air-tight socket that holds the spinal cord. All this is done
+      without seeing the patient's spinal cord before or after taking. If
+      it could be taken out, and hung over a clothes line and cleansed with
+      benzine, and then treated with insect powder, or rolled in corn meal, or
+      preserved in alcohol, and then put back, it would be all right; but you
+      can't. You pull a man's spine out of his system and he is
+      bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have been about it. It is
+      difficult to keep house without the spine. You need it every time you cook
+      a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a dentist and put away in
+      pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal meningitis would lose its
+      stinger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future
+      article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them said
+      very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told him that
+      I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of meningitis
+      and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip to Europe,
+      where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got a perfectly
+      lovely voice, if I would take it to Europe and have it sand-papered and
+      varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give
+      their biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr.
+      Barnes and others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to
+      hold a reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant
+      relaxation for them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of
+      their patients.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Skimming the Milky Way.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      THE COMET.
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9131}.jpg" alt="{9131}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9131}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The comet is a kind of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look some
+      like planets, but they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when they hit
+      anybody as a planet does. The comet was so called because it had hair on
+      it, I believe, but late years the bald-headed comet is giving just as good
+      satisfaction everywhere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light or
+      coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes several
+      tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush times.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, up
+      above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play with
+      the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see where
+      I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, their
+      hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho Brahe
+      discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and since then
+      times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and potatoes run
+      less to tows than they did before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less
+      periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been
+      watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed,
+      but there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two
+      or three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is not
+      so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The great
+      comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed about the
+      time of Caesar's death, 44 B.C., and still, when it appeared in
+      Newton's time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand
+      farewell tour, Ike said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and
+      seemed to have retained all its faculties in good shape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I do
+      not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just a
+      mere habit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity and
+      the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then death
+      came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail that
+      &ldquo;the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic
+      time in the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a
+      resisting medium which has never been observed to have the slightest
+      influence on the planetary periods.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right.
+      Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since
+      the world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I
+      know of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we
+      would find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through the
+      glare of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will not be
+      ashamed to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our newspaper
+      subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes we will be
+      ready.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: TYCHO BRAHE AT WORK.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9132}.jpg" alt="{9132}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9132}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into the
+      sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. I wish
+      that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will agree to
+      pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his worrying about
+      the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and knocking its
+      daylights out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      THE SUN.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This luminous body is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have
+      been mornings this winter when it seemed to me that it was further than
+      that. A railway train going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be 263
+      years going there, to say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or
+      stopping on side tracks to wait for freight trains to pass. Several years
+      ago it was discovered that a slight error had been made in the
+      calculations of the sun's distance from the earth, and, owing to a
+      misplaced logarithm, or something of that kind, a mistake of 3,000,000
+      miles was made in the result. People cannot be too careful in such
+      matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the information contained in
+      the old time-table, a man should start out with only provisions sufficient
+      to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then find that 3,0000,000 miles
+      still stretched out ahead of him. He would then have to buy fresh figs of
+      the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of buying nice fresh figs on
+      a train that had been <i>en route</i> 250 years!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at the
+      age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. Think of
+      five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the way, and the
+      train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a living thing on
+      board except the worms in the &ldquo;nice eating apples!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity.
+      Only one man every tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that cost
+      him $9.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you discover
+      that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though suffering from
+      biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long streaks of light,
+      called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a cataract. The spots on
+      the sun vary from minute pores the size of an ordinary school district to
+      spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to the nude eye. The center of
+      these spots is as black as a brunette cat, and is called the umbra, so
+      called because it resembles an umbrella. The next circle is less dark, and
+      called the penumbra, because it so closely resembles the penumbra.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly candid
+      with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can tell exactly
+      what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter ourselves that
+      we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are either, first,
+      open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; or, second, they
+      may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they may be the spots
+      knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be tenable.
+      Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that these spots
+      do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, I am prepared
+      to explain upon the theory that this might be the result of delays in the
+      returns However, I am free to confess that speculative science is filled
+      with the intangible.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, once in 25
+      to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two years
+      to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die we may go
+      at once to the sun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is
+      sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth
+      of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or
+      hired a man to do it for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sun is like the star spangled banner&mdash;as it is &ldquo;still
+      there.&rdquo; You get up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look
+      away toward the east, and keep on looking in that direction, and at last
+      you will see a fine sight, if what I have been told is true. If the
+      sunrise is as grand as the sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's
+      most sublime phenomena.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun
+      were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would be
+      a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is largely
+      dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real estate would
+      become depressed in price. We owe very much of our enjoyment to the sun,
+      and not many years ago there were a large number of people who worshiped
+      the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional insanity, they took him up
+      on the observatory of the temple and sacrificed him to the sun. They were
+      a very prosperous and happy people. If the conqueror had not come among
+      them with civilization and guns and grand juries they would have been very
+      happy, indeed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A COLD DAY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9134}.jpg" alt="{9134}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9134}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      THE STARS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is much in the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to the
+      savant who hasn't the time nor means to rummage around through the
+      heavens. At times I am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to the great
+      yearnful, hungry world: &ldquo;Grope on forever. Do not ask me for another
+      scientific fact. Find it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid planets,
+      and let me have a rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night and take
+      care of a newborn world, while you lie in bed and reck not.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when I
+      ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may
+      know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory.
+      And yet, what thanks do I get?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from
+      scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the
+      dim vista of relentless years?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from
+      Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years for
+      its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking over
+      the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining the
+      spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller size
+      will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I bought
+      it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before I was
+      born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much margin
+      between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer comes to
+      me and says: &ldquo;Professor, I have discovered another new star and
+      intend to file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of
+      the zenith, running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a
+      star of the fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light
+      mane and tail, have you?&rdquo; Now, how do I know that he has discovered
+      a brand new star? How can I discover whether he is or is not playing an
+      old, threadbare star on me for a new one?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the star
+      business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, and
+      make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial time
+      table.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began to
+      observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has waned
+      to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of the
+      injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened
+      prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest stars
+      I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid condition. They
+      will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink on long after we
+      have ceased to wink back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about the
+      third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded by
+      astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, but
+      upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was
+      found that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of the
+      ninth magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and trimmed
+      with moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal brightness,
+      it gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third magnitude, and
+      walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A NIGHTLY VIGIL.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9136}.jpg" alt="{9136}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9136}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of
+      constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the
+      advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing others to
+      light the northern lights, skim the milky way and do other celestial
+      chores. I would do it myself cheerfully if my health would permit, but for
+      years I have realized, and so has my wife, that my duties as an astronomer
+      kept me up too much at night, and my wife is certainly right about it when
+      she says if I insist on scanning the heavens night after night, coming
+      home late with the cork out of my telescope and my eyes red and swollen
+      with these exhausting night vigils, I will be cut down in my prime. So I
+      am liable to abandon the great labor to which I had intended to devote my
+      life, my dazzling genius and my princely income. I hope that other savants
+      will spare me the pain of another refusal, for my mind is fully made up
+      that unless another skimmist is at once secured, the milky way will
+      henceforth remain unskum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Thrilling Experience.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I had a very thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled an
+      engagement in a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been
+      locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The
+      last loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of
+      the pork packer were extinguished.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, or
+      the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was still as the
+      bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross
+      receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was
+      worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept me
+      from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for another's
+      gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to mangle his victim, that
+      he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often take a short cut
+      to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter politics, he might
+      accomplish his purpose as surely and much more safely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the
+      bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance
+      of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a
+      gentle repose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent
+      slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs cast
+      wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the regular
+      features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to harbor ill
+      for one so guileless and so simple.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or
+      other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room
+      was in semi-darkness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hark!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a human
+      being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes wider,
+      but not without spilling them out of their sockets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh
+      of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that
+      purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might
+      heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from the
+      embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly wrapper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regularly, like the rise and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose and
+      fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing
+      to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman who
+      had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay wrapt
+      in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some
+      cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the
+      proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd a
+      hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob me of
+      my hard-earned wealth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be
+      trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing the
+      money I put it in the pocket of my <i>robe de nuit</i>. Then, with great
+      care, I pulled out a copy of Smith &amp; Wesson's great work on
+      &ldquo;How to Ventilate the Human Form.&rdquo; I said to myself that I
+      would sell my life as dearly as possible, so that whoever bought it would
+      always regret the trade.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a thirty-eight
+      calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the corner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark
+      corner. Also another sigh of relief later on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen a
+      man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have also
+      seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his
+      pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed
+      toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that I had
+      suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in that way,
+      I had shot the valve off the steam radiator.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do so
+      than have the affair garbled by careless hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Catching a Buffalo.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A pleasing anecdote is being told through the press columns recently, of
+      an encounter on the South Platte, which occurred some years ago between a
+      Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets forth the fact that the Texans went
+      out to hunt buffalo, hoping to get enough for a mess during the day.
+      Toward evening they saw two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring hill near
+      the Platte, and at once pursued their game, each selecting an animal. They
+      separated at once, Jack going one way galloping after his beast, while Sam
+      went in the other direction. Jack soon got a shot at his game, but the
+      bullet only tore a large hole in the fleshy shoulder of the bull and
+      buried itself in the neck, maddening the animal to such a degree that he
+      turned at once and charged upon horse and rider.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and <i>sang
+      froid</i> peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times,
+      tangled his feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about
+      fifty feet. He then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where he could
+      consider the matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to recover.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for a
+      few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he fell so
+      suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any bodily
+      injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack felt the
+      buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he
+      caught it with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the
+      reach of his enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out,
+      when Sam hove in sight and put a large bullet through the bull's
+      heart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels it
+      off as though he might be telling his own experience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into what
+      is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I desire, in
+      my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo tail. Those
+      who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of running an
+      account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble animal has a
+      genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with a chenille
+      tassel at the end, which he throws up into the rarified atmosphere of the
+      far west, whenever he is surprised or agitated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to
+      brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for
+      him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features
+      with the miniature caudal bud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail
+      across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: AN UNEQUAL MATCH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8141}.jpg" alt="{8141} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8141}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment and
+      then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he wings
+      away in an opposite direction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would
+      have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a
+      question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms
+      jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had
+      strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and told
+      the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral courage to
+      follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the tail. It is said
+      that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his tracks were thirteen
+      miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with the buffalo one hour,
+      during which time he crossed the territories of Wyoming and Dakota twice
+      and surrounded the regular army three times, he became discouraged and
+      died fiom the injuries he had received. Perhaps, however, it may have been
+      fatigue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a
+      meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone
+      and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one
+      ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush of
+      manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three
+      reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose
+      and unusual mental equipoise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do not
+      wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident that
+      is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and have a
+      Jackrabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit is as
+      likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as the buffalo
+      would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly instantaneous you
+      must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which you abruptly and
+      almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in your memory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled buffalo
+      by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the circumstances. They
+      are dead, abnormally and extremely dead.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      John Adams.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      After viewing the birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more
+      reconciled to my own birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was born
+      with those in which other eminent philanthropists and high-priced
+      statesmen originated, I find that I have no reason to complain. Neither of
+      the Adamses were born in a larger house than I was, and for general tone
+      and eclat of front yard and cook-room on behind, I am led to believe that
+      I have the advantage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to
+      prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was
+      bald-headed, he was the eider of the two; but I inquired about that while
+      on the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who
+      were familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PRESIDENTIAL SIMPLICITY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8143}.jpg" alt="{8143} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8143}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a lawyer
+      by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the passage of
+      the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who represented
+      Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about that time he
+      wrote a letter in which he said: &ldquo;The die is now cast; I have passed
+      the rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish with my country
+      is my unalterable determination.&rdquo; Some have expressed the opinion
+      that &ldquo;the rubicon&rdquo; alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter was
+      a law which he had succeeded in getting passed; but this is not true. The
+      idea of passing the rubicon first originated with Julius Caesar, a
+      foreigner of some note who flourished a good deal B.C.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry
+      Lee, that the United States &ldquo;are, and of right ought to be, free and
+      independent.&rdquo; Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for
+      liberty now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and
+      tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood to
+      be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best in
+      print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800,
+      however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received
+      65 to Jefferson's 73 votes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't
+      so much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those days
+      the president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other
+      clothes as he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull heads in the
+      Potomac till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president
+      nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of
+      being president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic
+      became so large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind
+      just as fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to
+      sit down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his
+      mind, his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider
+      that he did not use them much during his administration.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the
+      eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, and
+      shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and
+      bald-headed Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to
+      look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball,
+      but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual
+      dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height of
+      his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries and
+      carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink was as
+      red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so
+      polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the
+      most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was
+      sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so that
+      he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they were
+      familiar with English as she is spoke.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives,
+      there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 votes,
+      Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. Clay stood
+      in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it was said, and
+      was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a result. This may not
+      be true, but a party told me about it who got it straight from Washington,
+      and he also told me in confidence that he made it a rule never to
+      prevaricate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in
+      Congress alluded to his convictions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was frequently
+      on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an interest, and
+      when he began to make allusions, and blush all over the top of his head,
+      and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the presiding officer, they
+      say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward says, &ldquo;with
+      unwavering firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous opposition,
+      exasperated to the highest pitch by his pertinacity&mdash;amidst a perfect
+      tempest of vituperation and abuse&mdash;he persevered in presenting his
+      anti-slavery petitions, one by one, to the amount sometimes of 200 in one
+      day.&rdquo; As one of his eminent biographers has truly said: &ldquo;John
+      Quincy Adams was indeed no slouch.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Wail Of A Wife.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ethel&rdquo; has written a letter to me and asked for a printed
+      reply. Leaving off the opening sentences, which I would not care to have
+      fall into the hands of my wife, her note is about as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;&mdash;&mdash; Vt., Feb. 28, 1885.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Dear Sir:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Tender part of letter omitted for obvious reasons.} Would it be asking
+      too much for me to request a brief reply to one or two questions which
+      many other married women as well as myself would like to have answered?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have been married now for five years. To-day is the anniversary of my
+      marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in
+      comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better
+      than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their own
+      livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, and tie
+      themselves to a man when they might be free and happy?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about
+      the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still they
+      do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a great
+      burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet
+      unmarried and self-supporting girls who are liable to make the same
+      mistake that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much
+      more universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I could if
+      I should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully remembered by
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ethel.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle plea,
+      Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now addresses
+      you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your husband.
+      Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in print, so that
+      it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it should, I am gone.
+      If your husband were to run across this letter in the public press I could
+      never look him in the eye again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you
+      have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it.
+      You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you do
+      now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you has
+      not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as a
+      financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has affected
+      your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better clothes before
+      he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do well in business by
+      themselves, but when they go into partnership they bust higher than a
+      kite, if you will allow me the free, English translation of a Roman
+      expression which you might not fully understand if I should give it to you
+      in the original Roman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very light
+      on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, dear
+      Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for protection.
+      (This is a little political bon mot which I thought of myself. Some of my
+      best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of myself.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the day
+      and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and
+      declare a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and
+      disappointment. Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't
+      help feeling a pang of sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind
+      or that he so far forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a
+      harsh tone of voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you
+      for pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: FOR REVENUE ONLY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8147}.jpg" alt="{8147} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8147}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so I
+      will give notice to all simple young women who are now self-supporting and
+      happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens of
+      wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have
+      abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they
+      wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when
+      applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes and
+      have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and
+      independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child
+      twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But
+      those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall go
+      no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was
+      married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I
+      got them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got
+      married the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I do
+      not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0148}.jpg" alt="{0148}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0148}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Bunker Hill.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Last week for the first time I visited the granite obelisk known all over
+      the civilized world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my memory
+      serves me correctly. General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the
+      corner-stone, and Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I
+      cannot now recall. Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and
+      Daniel spoke a good piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought
+      up himself. There has never been a feature of the early history and
+      unceasing struggle for American freedom which has so roused my admiration
+      as this custom, quite prevalent among congressmen in those days, of
+      writing their own speeches.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or
+      at his suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel above
+      writing his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect and
+      admiration for Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an
+      extemporaneous speaker, and had he not allowed his portrait to appear last
+      year in the <i>Century</i>, wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat
+      entirely out of style, my respect and admiration would have continued
+      indefinitely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from
+      its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not
+      ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors on
+      the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me as
+      though it had been recently oiled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument and
+      tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At the
+      feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in the
+      glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just that
+      way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid
+      for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, without
+      being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds much to the
+      genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham
+      County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was
+      not killed at either of these points.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one
+      of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near
+      where Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost
+      1,050 in killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450.
+      While the people of this country are showing such an interest in our war
+      history, I am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker
+      Hill. The Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command of
+      General Artemus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American
+      humorist really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can
+      organize a great deal of mourning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and
+      Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to
+      Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of war
+      it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to Boston
+      than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on the
+      ground where the monument now stands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at 2
+      P.M. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. General
+      Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took his hat
+      off and recited a little poem beginning:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  &ldquo;Stand, the ground's your own, my braves!
+  Will ye give it up to slaves?&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like that
+      in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility on the
+      part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great
+      fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in
+      this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who
+      could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were
+      pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the
+      thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have
+      stood when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites
+      of the enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron
+      flint-lock weapon used in those days will admit that this order was wise.
+      Those guns were in union to health, of course, when used to excess, but
+      not necessarily or immediately fatal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out of
+      ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was found
+      that one end of the rebel flint-lock was about as fatal as the other, if
+      not more so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the
+      citizens of Boston: &ldquo;Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's
+      eyes, and then go for him with your clubs.&rdquo; Then the visitor
+      surrenders.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us
+      to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are
+      now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly a
+      great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. Bunker Hill
+      is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us who would not
+      have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known about it in
+      time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Lumber Camp.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the lumber
+      camps toward Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the snow for
+      a few weeks and swallow baked beans and ozone on the 1/2 shell. The affair
+      was a success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging Willow River, where
+      the gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have their home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more
+      fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the
+      Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 A.M., eat a patent
+      pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened with
+      Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the giants
+      of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till the gray
+      owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and all for $12
+      per month and stewed prunes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed
+      others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand of
+      fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many pleasant
+      days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find around the
+      camp, and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the cookee. Those who
+      have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy and sylvan smoking
+      tobacco.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions
+      this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the
+      circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver sent
+      with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) The
+      tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called the
+      Scandihoovian. I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because
+      you can smoke it in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When night came we would gather around the blazing fire and talk over old
+      times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week, then I bought a
+      new mouth and resolved to lead a different life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack in
+      the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's
+      effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always converse.
+      The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the English language
+      mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own quiet way. This
+      seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It also threw me a
+      good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our ways and our
+      language, but prior to that they are quite clannish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: I TOOK A PIE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0153}.jpg" alt="{0153}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0153}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with a
+      rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked with
+      the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy
+      replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could rapidly
+      change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio tongue, and
+      while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we would talk on and
+      on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native land. I don't
+      know how many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad light into the
+      eye of the cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an estimable lady,
+      partially married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as he
+      rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and shed the
+      scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but sometimes
+      I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel of flour. He was
+      an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest provocation, or
+      anything else. Once I told him something so touchful that his eyes were
+      blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, and stole away so
+      that he could be alone with his sorrow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He used to grind the coffee at 2 A.M. The coffee mill was nailed up
+      against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason I
+      did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind
+      coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the pine
+      boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a morose
+      man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own
+      language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible to me
+      as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different
+      keys, and still there was harmony in it&mdash;a kind of chime of imported
+      snore as it were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the cook
+      would begin his coffee mill overture and I would arise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's
+      Birthday, without food or water.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My Lecture Abroad.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Having at last yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have decided
+      to make a professional farewell tour of England with my new and thrilling
+      lecture, entitled &ldquo;Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and
+      Deserved Elevation of an American Citizen.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will be
+      sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good shape
+      in America on my return.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to
+      come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been
+      out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American
+      citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around his
+      neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It also
+      treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, with
+      specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried especially
+      for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few straggling facts
+      scattered along through it don't interfere with the lecture itself
+      in any way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I shall appear in costume during the lecture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn at
+      the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Persons attending the lecture need not be identified.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the flies
+      away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only once.
+      This encore business is being overdone lately, I think.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any one
+      has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable
+      criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the
+      right, however, to do as I please about using them:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      LONDON, &mdash;-, &mdash;-, &mdash;Bill Nye opened his foreign lecture
+      engagement here last evening with a can-opener. It was found to be in good
+      order. As soon as the doors were opened there was a mad rush for seats,
+      during which three men were fatally injured. They insisted on remaining
+      through the lecture, however, and adding to its horrors. Before 8 o'clock
+      500 people had been turned away. Mr. Nye announced that he would deliver a
+      matinee this afternoon, but he has been petitioned by tradesmen to refrain
+      from doing so, as it will paralyze the business interests of the city to
+      such a degree that they offer to &ldquo;buy the house,&rdquo; and allow
+      the lecturer to cancel his engagement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      LONDON, &mdash;-, &mdash;-. &mdash;The great lecturer and contortionist,
+      Bill Nye, last night closed his six weeks' engagement here with his
+      famous lecture on &ldquo;The Rise and Fall of the American Horse Thief,&rdquo;
+      with a grand benefit and ovation. The elite of London was present, many of
+      whom have attended every evening for six weeks to hear this same lecture.
+      Those who can afford it will follow the lecturer back to America, in order
+      to be where they can hear this lecture almost constantly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who
+      should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. After
+      some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the janitor of
+      the hall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Associated Press Cablegram}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      LONDON, &mdash;-, &mdash;-. &mdash;Bill Nye will sail for America
+      to-morrow in the steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America he will
+      at once pay off the national debt and found a large asylum for American
+      dudes whose mothers are too old to take in washing and support their sons
+      in affluence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Miner at Home.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Receiving another notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine the
+      other day, reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless hole
+      that was supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing them.
+      The Aladdin claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate of
+      journalists, none of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If we
+      had been, we could have proved an alibi.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a
+      Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great
+      fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty
+      in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own
+      language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that we
+      did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this way
+      till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of
+      course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge of
+      the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child unborn.
+      So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been referred to
+      the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, and the
+      auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, and then
+      proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned out to be
+      all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take early action
+      in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see that, although we
+      were not wealthy, we knew how to do business just the same as though we
+      had been a wealthy corporation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session made
+      a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was very
+      much as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee same foolee me too
+      muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health.
+      You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee
+      slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How Long
+      make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me tlired.
+      You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee time
+      stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time heap
+      gone.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in
+      order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do
+      the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism
+      on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a feeling
+      of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, we had to
+      go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who had shoveled
+      in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of dollars, so we
+      took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the Aladdin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist
+      him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was when
+      he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I
+      wouldn't care to use it here anyway.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: I HAVE FORGOTTEN HIS FIRST REMARK.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9158}.jpg" alt="{9158}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9158}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs
+      and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and
+      services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him, and he had
+      planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had
+      not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out
+      there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond
+      the reach of social advantages, recognizes the fact that this Little,
+      unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest way,
+      yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the Aladdin
+      mine was not disturbed that summer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer for
+      the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our expert,
+      went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The assay of
+      the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that I had ever
+      hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, for when the
+      assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and found that his
+      whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he
+      was charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his
+      trade than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do
+      wrong, he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but
+      it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If it
+      stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you can't
+      get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth $150. The
+      great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and its
+      isolation as a well.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      An Operatic Entertainment.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Last week we went up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore
+      Thomas' orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The
+      Coliseum is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that
+      city and St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the
+      management like to wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day, and then
+      watch the perspiration trickle out through the clapboards on the outside.
+      On the closing afternoon, during the matinee performance, the building was
+      struck by lightning and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that
+      surmounts the oblique portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at
+      once the location of the bolt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was
+      repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his boot
+      wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a chilblain,
+      wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his ear, then ran down
+      the electric light wire, a part of it filling an engagement in the
+      Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the depot, where it made
+      double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet high. All this was done
+      very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy with a cottonwood tree,
+      know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at once and in a brief
+      manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass in the skylight and
+      deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen parquette chairs, that were
+      empty because the speculators who owned them couldn't get but $50
+      apiece, and were waiting for a man to mortgage his residence and sell a
+      team. He couldn't make the transfer in time for the matinee, so the
+      seats were vacant when the lightning struck. The immediate and previous
+      fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the direction of the platform,
+      where it nearly frightened to death a large chorus of children. Women
+      fainted, ticket speculators fell $2 on desirable seats, and strong men
+      coughed up a clove. The scene beggared description. I intended to have
+      said that before, but forgot it. Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath,
+      and Christine Nilsson drew her salary. Two thousand strong men thought of
+      their wasted lives, and two thousand women felt for their back hair to see
+      if it was still there. I say, therefore, without successful contradiction,
+      that the scene beggared description. Chestnuts!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the evening several people sang, &ldquo;The Creation.&rdquo; Nilsson
+      was Gabriel. Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings
+      like a joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that?
+      Nilsson is proud and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to
+      send a note up to her, stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and
+      if she could sit up in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself,
+      with her dress kind of sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She
+      wore a diamond necklace and silk skirt The skirt was cut princesse, I
+      think, to harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when
+      he painted the top board of his fence green, he wanted it &ldquo;to kind
+      of corroborate with his blinds.&rdquo; He's the same man who went to
+      Washington about the time of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at
+      the &ldquo;post mortise&rdquo; examination. But the funniest thing of all,
+      he said, was to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of these &ldquo;philosophers&rdquo;
+      around on the streets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MAKING HIMSELF USEFUL.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8161}.jpg" alt="{8161} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8161}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is
+      certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded
+      the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size fiddles,
+      10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed man
+      generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, et
+      cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, with
+      4,500 people in the house and 3,000 outside yelling it the ticket office&mdash;also
+      at the top of their voices&mdash;and swearing because they couldn't
+      mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver notes.
+      It was frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those two hours
+      and a half, the electric lights went out nine times for refreshments, and,
+      on the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. The first time the
+      lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage through a side entrance
+      with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have stood there and held it for
+      Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't with one voice laughed
+      him out into the starless night. You might as well have tried to light
+      benighted Africa with a white bean. I shall never forget how proud and
+      buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that kerosene lamp with a soiled
+      chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved he seemed when he took it and
+      groped his way out, while the Coliseum trembled with ill-concealed
+      merriment. I use the term &ldquo;ill-concealed merriment&rdquo; with
+      permission of the proprietors, for this season only.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Dogs and Dog Days.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I take occasion at this time to ask the American people as one man, what
+      are we to do to prevent the spread of the most insidious and disagreeable
+      disease known as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be smothered, as
+      was the case the other day right here in our fair land, a land where
+      tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look anxiously
+      into each other's faces and inquire, what shall we do?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of dog
+      virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over that
+      virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the navy-blue
+      blood of free-born American citizens?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wot not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just
+      wot it would be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and
+      then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act we
+      must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze along
+      for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years after being
+      deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go on comfortably
+      through life and die at last with the unanimous consent of their heirs
+      dogless.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then why cannot the poor gradually taper off on dogs? They ought not to
+      stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at
+      last they overcame the pernicious habit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven
+      variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his
+      will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a
+      man. He did so, and to-day he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to be
+      the picture of health.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a
+      quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then
+      all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only
+      that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins
+      or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh
+      at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous
+      lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young
+      lady in the parquet or on the ear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to those
+      who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory
+      political reform&mdash;I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is
+      purely ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our
+      children more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I
+      would agree to feed with my only son.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he
+      may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of a
+      leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main
+      strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's
+      pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be very
+      readable, and there will be another joke in it also. eod tf.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid
+      dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked
+      by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather than
+      see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading industry
+      here, I would forego the dog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded
+      they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not wish
+      to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield up our
+      dogs and take the affection that we would otherwise bestow on them on some
+      human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are thousands of
+      people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and starving for the
+      love and money that we daily shower on the dog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly
+      celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold,
+      moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very
+      impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a little
+      nervous myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Christopher Columbus.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Probably few people have been more successful in the discovering line than
+      Christopher Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many things
+      were still in an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with golden
+      opportunities for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition.
+      His life at first was filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at last
+      he grew to be a man of importance in his own profession, and the people
+      who wanted anything discovered would always bring it to him rather than
+      take it elsewhere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a
+      continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was very
+      poor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose
+      metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded as
+      petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not singular
+      that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a hemisphere to
+      the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie is a common thing,
+      not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet that he should have
+      gone down to his grave pieless!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought
+      and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new fields
+      of action.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I presume that America to-day has a larger pie area than any other land in
+      which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where millions of
+      native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the fact that
+      they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between the Goddess
+      of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no other land can
+      boast of.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated mince
+      pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, volcanic
+      and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with the high
+      instep to his nose, leads the world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and their
+      cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its infancy and
+      our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward spring, but look
+      at our pie.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a
+      fratricidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and
+      also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were made
+      which are fast coming to the surface&mdash;through the courtesy of
+      participants in said war who have patiently waited for those who blundered
+      to die off, and now admit that said participants who are dead did blunder
+      exceedingly throughout all this long and deadly struggle for the supremacy
+      of liberty and right&mdash;as I was about to say when my mind began to
+      wobble, the American pie has shown forth resplendent in the full glare of
+      a noonday sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric light, and she
+      stands forth proudly to-day with her undying loyalty to dyspepsia
+      untrammeled and her deep and deadly gastric antipathy still fiercely
+      burning in her breast.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities,
+      kingdoms and hand-made dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of
+      pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American
+      pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able to
+      make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is smart;
+      I simply say it to fill up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But would it not do Columbus good to come among us to-day and look over
+      our free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this continent
+      which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the thraldom of
+      barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining influences of
+      prohibition and pie?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you
+      listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his
+      mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and
+      perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We
+      allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of our
+      failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which we erect a
+      monument to the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and therefore
+      politically useless.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these
+      lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read this
+      little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary before
+      such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be written, and he
+      will thank me for it; but it is not for that that I have done it. It is a
+      pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and biographical data in
+      a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am only too glad to please
+      and gratify the student and the savant. I was that way myself once and I
+      know how to sympathize with them,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.S.&mdash;I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, he
+      did not murmur or repine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Accepting the Laramie Postoffice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Office of Daily Boomerang, Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My Dear General.&mdash;I have received by telegraph the news of my
+      nomination by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as
+      postmaster at Laramie, and wish, to extend my thanks for the same.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit,
+      including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal truth
+      over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the Nation's
+      onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not know when I
+      have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so thoroughly
+      impressed me with its wisdom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you will
+      not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to matters
+      concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and feel
+      perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. Do not
+      feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and indifferent, cold
+      or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the difference between a
+      general delivery window and a three-m quad, but that is a mistake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A NEW OFFICE OUTFIT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9167}.jpg" alt="{9167}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9167}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      My general information is far beyond my years.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the
+      President and the Senate, whatever it may be,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remain, sincerely yours,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye, P.M.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D.C.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Journalistic Tenderfoot.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Most everyone who has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to
+      mind as he reads this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not so
+      pronounced and protuberant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West and
+      the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a job as
+      correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his hair
+      longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat collar and
+      the general <i>tout ensemble</i> of the genus &ldquo;smart Aleck.&rdquo;
+      He had also clothed himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel
+      scout and beautiful girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven
+      west by a wild desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a general
+      Wild Bill business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, to rescue
+      enough beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar College in
+      Wyoming or Montana.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him that we did not care for a mining correspondent who did not
+      know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man a good
+      many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a prospect shaft
+      even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem almost wicked
+      and sacriligious to send a man out there among those old grizzly miners
+      who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless the young man could
+      readily distinguish the points of difference between a chunk of free
+      milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some
+      eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to
+      refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before he
+      had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us a long
+      letter from there. It might have been written before he started, however.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The letter was of the &ldquo;we-have-went&rdquo; and &ldquo;I-have-never-saw&rdquo;
+      variety, and he spelt curiosity &ldquo;qrossity.&rdquo; He worked hard to
+      get the word into his alleged letter, and then assassinated it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got
+      into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the
+      strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that
+      our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, and
+      writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on
+      Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of these
+      fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on &ldquo;The Weasel Asleep,&rdquo;
+      &ldquo;The Pauper's Dream,&rdquo; &ldquo;The Mary Ellen&rdquo; and
+      &ldquo;The Over Draft,&rdquo; ever seemed to crop out in the paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why was it?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled
+      plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that I
+      would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious
+      litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and
+      lock up their front fences and garden fountains.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some &ldquo;float.&rdquo;
+      He had wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he
+      didn't know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back
+      and inquire. He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the
+      bosom of the unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a
+      perpendicular wall of the Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up
+      and hit him athwart the nose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: COMMUNING WITH NATURE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8169}.jpg" alt="{8169} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8169}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough
+      time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and
+      gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night, and was
+      greatly annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury
+      toward zero all through the summer nights.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button his
+      alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the
+      sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain lion.
+      He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got to the
+      camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a
+      blamed drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed a
+      merry laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next morning
+      within the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at the stake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was
+      to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan
+      country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had
+      violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out from
+      under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a poor
+      tight-rope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in such
+      a way that he died of his injuries.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Amateur Carpenter.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In my opinion every professional man should keep a chest of carpenters'
+      tools in his barn or shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in
+      constructing the varied articles that are always needed about the house.
+      There is a great deal of pleasure in feeling your own independence of
+      other trades, and more especially of the carpenter. Every now and then
+      your wife will want a bracket put up in some corner or other, and with
+      your new, bright saw and glittering hammer you can put up one upon which
+      she can hang a cast-iron horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water
+      lilies sewed in it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little
+      things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make
+      invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything
+      of that kind whatever, and you who are &ldquo;so handy.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to say
+      that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask him
+      for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will sell you
+      a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron with
+      basswood handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of stovepipe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very
+      naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will
+      probable try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of it.
+      In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the
+      barn floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it
+      loose from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined a
+      bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a
+      lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was not
+      handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of 1886,
+      I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as the
+      weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place around
+      the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest that I
+      don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal
+      friends. They seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an
+      ice-chest. My brother looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of an
+      ice-chest was that it ought to be tight enough at least to hold the larger
+      chunks of ice so that they would not escape through the pores of the
+      ice-box. He says he never built one, but that it stood to reason that a
+      refrigerator like that ought to be constructed so that it would keep the
+      cows out of it. You don't want to have a refrigerator that the
+      cattle can get through the cracks of and eat up your strawberries on ice,
+      he says.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a
+      thick thumb-nail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet
+      corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not suited
+      to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during the
+      holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he thought,
+      if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have made several other little articles of <i>vertu</i> this spring, to
+      the construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two
+      finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg,
+      of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing to
+      meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley
+      between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the left,
+      pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and three
+      kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Average Hen.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I am convinced that there is great economy in keeping hens if we have
+      sufficient room for them and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the
+      fowl property. But to the professional man, who is not familiar with the
+      habits of the hen, and whose mind does not naturally and instinctively
+      turn henward, I would say: Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of
+      Piscataquis county, Me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. Any
+      one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average self-made
+      hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements directly over
+      the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed brain student will at
+      once notice a great falling-off in the region of reverence and an abnormal
+      bulging out in the location of alimentiveness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over
+      the occiputal bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of home
+      and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much in
+      comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity,
+      reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of home
+      and offspring she shines forth with great splendor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care for
+      music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she loves
+      her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests of the
+      hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that line.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem
+      whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I
+      could write a speech for a friend in congress&mdash;a speech that would be
+      printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States and
+      be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and attract
+      attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am not worthy.
+      I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence of a setting
+      hen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse
+      myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be
+      alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity, I never do
+      it is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has been
+      cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look upon the
+      still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's young
+      morning, snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale of
+      wind, without being visibly affected.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out an
+      early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged hen,
+      who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second childhood.
+      Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the pruning hook of
+      time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in society, she deposits
+      her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far from the haunts of men,
+      and then in August, when eggs are extremely low and her collection of no
+      value to any one but the antiquarian, she proudly calls attention to her
+      summer's work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society
+      during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to
+      assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as a
+      calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long
+      life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class
+      of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden hours
+      has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain door-knob trying to hatch
+      out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she passed in
+      solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with bitterness toward
+      all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall she would come off
+      the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE RESULT OF PATIENCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9174}.jpg" alt="{9174}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9174}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she
+      stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of
+      those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing
+      but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her feet
+      during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Woodtick William's Story.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      We had about as ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras
+      county, thirty years ago, as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb
+      and a brass band in fourteen States. For ways that was kittensome they
+      were moderately active and abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing
+      style of Calaveras kid, when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and wanted
+      to engage the school at the old camp, where I hung up in the days when the
+      country was new and the murmur of the six-shooter was heard in the land.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WINNING THEIR YOUNG LOVE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8175}.jpg" alt="{8175} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8175}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East,
+      with conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him
+      for a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of
+      information and big sorrowful eyes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around
+      George or using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies'
+      boodore; but as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a
+      blamed cent. They just hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive
+      knowledge. They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to that
+      country to win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a
+      blood-shot tone of voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras
+      kids in the early days.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove
+      him into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's
+      life, just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon
+      my manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to
+      the top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on
+      his back, and had to give up at last.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin'
+      it onto the school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that
+      didn't go to school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up
+      Jack.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young
+      tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an
+      application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain
+      discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he
+      wanted to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to tute
+      about Monday follering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the
+      ground, and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the
+      hostile hoodlums of Calaveras.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Monday he sailed in about 9 A.M. with his grip-sack, and begun the
+      discharge of his juties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big
+      railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate
+      and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. Several
+      large, white-eyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, inquiring
+      tone of voice, but he didn't say much. He seemed considerably
+      reserved as to the plan of the campaign. The new teacher then unlocked his
+      alligator-skin grip, and took out a Bible and a new self-cocking weepon
+      that had an automatic dingus for throwing out the empty shells. It was one
+      of the bull-dog variety, and had the laugh of a joyous child.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He read a short passage from the Scriptures, and then pulled off
+      his coat and hung it on a nail. Then he made a few extemporaneous remarks,
+      after which he salivated the palm of his right hand, took the self-cocking
+      songster in his left, and proceeded to wear out the gads over the varied
+      protuberances of his pupils.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the
+      school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and
+      manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian
+      tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the barrel
+      of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to realize that it
+      would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he came back and sat
+      down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of
+      that door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again.
+      He didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that
+      summer we accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      In Washington.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington is
+      the hot-bed of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche
+      business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one I
+      was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and who asked
+      me if I wrote &ldquo;The Heathen Chinee.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague
+      yearning for something more tangible&mdash;to drink. He was in Washington,
+      he said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo
+      county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me long
+      after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent
+      conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these
+      web-perfecting talkers&mdash;the kind that can be fed with raw Roman
+      punch, and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished
+      sausages. Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a
+      listener, I did not interrupt him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents came
+      to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies should
+      allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I asked,
+      that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;it is indeed rough!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He then breathed a sigh that shook the foilage of the speckled geranium
+      near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Matrimony is all right,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;if properly brought
+      about. It breaks my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a
+      matrimonial market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies
+      were brought here like slaves and exposed for sale.&rdquo; I had noticed
+      that they were somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for
+      sale. I asked him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly
+      in the minority, and he said they had.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently caught in a
+      doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially
+      through her costume.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel;
+      neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the
+      kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to woman. No
+      family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad landscape to
+      the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a great adjunct of
+      civilization and progress. The electric light is a good thing, but how
+      pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's eyes. The
+      telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, and murmur
+      into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, and keep it
+      up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the telephone has
+      still much to learn from woman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and I
+      presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every
+      way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of a
+      dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are. I hate to see
+      people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and more
+      destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter
+      than I ever saw before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several ladies
+      about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they will. It
+      seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put it at the
+      other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I may say.
+      They smiled good humoredly at me as I tried to impress my views upon them,
+      but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad whirl of
+      Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl, I
+      presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with
+      trimmings of real vertebrae down the back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He knows
+      nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a man
+      frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the first woman
+      he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity and talk very
+      freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocusses and
+      indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a
+      number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from
+      their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become confirmed
+      drunkards.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps I
+      should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat is
+      fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the beaten
+      path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed to me that
+      I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no charge is
+      made for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man who was
+      standing near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, what
+      the damage was, and he drew himself up to his full height.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed odd
+      to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band and
+      the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this
+      government.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My Experience as an Agriculturist.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9181}.jpg" alt="{9181}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9181}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      During the past season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I met
+      with some success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes a good
+      deal of success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its throne. I've
+      had trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal conditions of the
+      vital organs, but old reason sits there on his or her throne, as the case
+      may be, through it all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe.
+      Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that loves
+      it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved by the
+      weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the squash
+      and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved by the
+      potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; the tomato
+      is loved by the cut-worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, and so forth,
+      and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a wall-flower. {Early
+      blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. Plant as soon as there is
+      no danger of frosts, in drills four inches apart. When ripe, pull it, and
+      eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be added to taste.}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I began early to spade up my angle-worms and other pets, to see if
+      they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were
+      unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish at
+      first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they pitched
+      right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked
+      splendidly. I was most worried about my cut-worms. Away along in April I
+      had not seen a cutworm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and perhaps
+      perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from
+      behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff in
+      the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time to
+      assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I
+      could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their
+      blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the
+      agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they didn't
+      throw any light on the subject. I got wild. I feared that I had brought
+      but one cut-worm through the winter, and I was liable to lose him unless I
+      could find out what to feed him. I asked some of my neighbors, but they
+      spoke jeeringly and sarcastically. I know now how it was. All their
+      cut-worms had frozen down last winter, and they couldn't bear to see
+      me get ahead.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THEY SPOKE JEERINGLY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9182}.jpg" alt="{9182}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9182}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the
+      concussion yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk;
+      no doubt he was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought
+      him two dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the
+      first pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three
+      in one night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals
+      for his friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants.
+      By this time I had collected a large group of common scrub cut-worms,
+      early Swedish cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn
+      cut-worms, all doing well, but still, I thought, a little hide-bound and
+      bilious. They acted languid and listless. As my squash bugs, currant
+      worms, potato bugs, etc., were all doing well without care, I devoted
+      myself almost exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong and well,
+      but they seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, but
+      cabbages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large.
+      These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. In
+      a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of <i>ennui</i> and languor
+      that I had I formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them
+      some more tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On the
+      whole I was as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of
+      anything.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged.
+      The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the
+      ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there
+      wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had
+      learned to look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come
+      up and eat a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them.
+      I was almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled over
+      my foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A neighbor
+      said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He had
+      swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, unless
+      some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be wiped out, I
+      for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. When a common
+      toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect, can swallow up my summer's
+      work, it is time to pause.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A New Autograph Album.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      This autograph business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is all
+      one-sided. I want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come
+      back at the autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other
+      fellow creature unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are
+      inflicted by the man who is making a collection of the autographs of
+      &ldquo;prominent men,&rdquo; and who sends a printed circular formally
+      demanding your autograph, as the tax collector would demand your tax.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the
+      other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last great
+      work, and he said: &ldquo;Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me
+      your autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call
+      business.&rdquo; He then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the
+      cashier did ditto, and the two autographs were turned over to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the
+      presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the
+      above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials
+      would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it
+      would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been
+      considering the advisability of issuing the following letter:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United States.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gentlemen&mdash;I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs
+      of the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and
+      to make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs
+      written at the foot of the national currency bank note of the denomination
+      of $5. I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I only suggest this
+      denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the album.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I prefer
+      to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that built up
+      our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look upon this
+      move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is not simply a
+      freak, it is a desire of my heart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or
+      attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at the
+      time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So
+      far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and
+      noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering
+      meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more
+      familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at times
+      my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens as I
+      could have wished. This has been my chief drawback.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file
+      them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming
+      years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and
+      those passes were taken up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact
+      that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed the
+      bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should deem you
+      my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any movement
+      looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your bank. The
+      autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your hands, would
+      be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob your bank. I
+      would even be willing to enter into a contract with you not to break into
+      your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be compelled to confine
+      myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in a great measure, but I
+      am getting now so I like to spend my evenings at home, anyhow, and if I do
+      well this year, I shall sell my burglars' tools and give myself up
+      to the authorities.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, I
+      trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly
+      honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long felt
+      want.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty
+      cooperation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they have
+      existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and that your
+      bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words to that
+      effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one country,
+      one flag and one bank account.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Resign.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W.T., Oct. 1, 1883.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To the President of the United States:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sir.&mdash;I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as
+      postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and
+      the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on
+      the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which
+      comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction
+      you should turn it at first in order to make it operate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have
+      not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a
+      luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of
+      this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less
+      to keep him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the
+      distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws
+      too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery
+      window.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, I
+      find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the
+      duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was
+      not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation of
+      the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able to
+      make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able to
+      reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I
+      might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that
+      might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a
+      matter of history.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have safely
+      passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly improved
+      condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution to my
+      successor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather
+      bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his
+      administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. Finding
+      nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather
+      bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and
+      burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my
+      predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became a candidate
+      for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party
+      was able, however, with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow
+      the old man under to a great degree.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: STRICT ATTENTION TO BUSINESS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8187}.jpg" alt="{8187} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8187}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of
+      unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef
+      rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good
+      figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations for
+      the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the
+      black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of
+      another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of
+      permanent prosperity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself and
+      the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and prompt
+      cooperation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, of course, about
+      incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving proclamation, but rest
+      assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. It is not alone a credit
+      to myself, It reflects credit upon the administration also.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow
+      and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking
+      for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the salary
+      as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to fork, as
+      it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other at this
+      point.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the cat
+      out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you
+      can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put his
+      mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on
+      a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him
+      through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, which you will
+      find near the Etruscan water-pail. This will not in any manner surprise
+      either of these parties.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed only
+      with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me
+      personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. I
+      believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz: Those who
+      are in the postal service, and those who are mad because they cannot
+      receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including
+      Sunday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of
+      office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my
+      eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the
+      heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of
+      a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening
+      thud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My Mine.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have decided to sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property this
+      spring. It would not be sold if I had the necessary capital to develop it.
+      It is a good mine, for I located it myself. I remember well the day I
+      climbed up on the ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my location notice
+      to the eaves of the sky.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm.
+      It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc of
+      the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty chains,
+      three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half to a blue
+      spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three links of
+      sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the lead to place
+      of beginning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. I
+      sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good
+      assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His
+      assay read as follows to-wit:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Salt Lake City, U.T., August 25, 1877.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Bill Nye:&mdash;Your specimen of ore No. 35832, current series, has
+      been submitted to assay and shows the following result:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  Metal.                     Ounces.   Value per ton.
+
+  Gold                         &mdash;           &mdash;
+  Silver                       &mdash;           &mdash;
+  Railroad iron                 1           &mdash;
+  Pyrites of poverty            9           &mdash;
+  Parasites of disappointment  90           &mdash;
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      McVicker, Assayer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Note.&mdash;I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and
+      erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the vertical
+      slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut the
+      malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist about as
+      good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 for assay
+      and we shall see what we shall see.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I didn't know he was &ldquo;an humorist,&rdquo; you see, so I
+      went to work on the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a
+      shaft and everything else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so
+      high that we had to carry water up there to drink when we began and before
+      fall we had struck a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more
+      water in that mine than the regular army could use.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the
+      assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same time
+      inclosed the certificate of assay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Salt Lake City, U.T., October 3, 1877.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Bill Nye:&mdash;Your specimen of ore No. 36132, current series, has
+      been submitted to assay and shows the following result:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  Metal.                     Ounces.   Value per ton.
+
+  Gold                         &mdash;           &mdash;
+  Silver                       &mdash;           &mdash;
+  Railroad iron                 1           &mdash;
+  Pyrites of poverty            9           &mdash;
+  Parasites of disappointment  90           &mdash;
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      McVicker, Assayer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I
+      could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure.
+      He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to go
+      on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others had
+      been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other
+      things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, veins,
+      sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and assessments is
+      now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary funds for the
+      development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so much trouble with
+      water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim the Governor of North
+      Carolina, because he was always dry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Mush and Melody.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Lately I have been giving a good deal of attention to hygiene&mdash;in
+      other people. The gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who
+      gives the most time and thought to this subject is an invalid himself;
+      just as the young theological student devotes his first sermon to the care
+      of children, and the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of
+      how and when to plant ruta-bagas or wean a calf from the parent stem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past
+      two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the
+      human form; its structure and idiosyncracies, as it were. Perhaps few men
+      in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or more
+      select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this
+      boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth to
+      the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising in
+      this line.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, I
+      have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a chronic
+      invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no disease
+      whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me no snug
+      little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I was
+      obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results have
+      shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the great.
+      The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only go at it in
+      the right way. But I started out to say something on the subject of
+      health, for there are still many common people who would rather be healthy
+      and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling new disease.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked
+      hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular
+      mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two
+      for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two
+      statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own
+      musical genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a
+      pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to
+      make it attractive.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that
+      expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we
+      know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. In
+      this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will march
+      down through the dim vista of years together.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the
+      sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup
+      Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical
+      names.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a way
+      that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be followed
+      by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of Mince Pie La
+      Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an extended
+      description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the conception
+      is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family moving in
+      exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the late lamented
+      hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be added to the process
+      of mastication.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0192}.jpg" alt="{0192}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0192}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Blase Young Man.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just formed the acquaintance of a <i>blase</i> young man. I have
+      been on an extended trip with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but
+      he is already weary of life. He was very careful all the time never to be
+      exuberant. No matter how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed himself
+      to exube.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say &ldquo;Ah!&rdquo;
+      but that was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared
+      in luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of
+      life, and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the
+      pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The <i>blase</i>
+      young man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because
+      life was hollow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that
+      the hankering might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet
+      grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice pure
+      air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently
+      consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not right,
+      but I did it. I saw the following articles in it:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+31 Assorted Neckties.
+ 1 pair Socks (whole).
+ 1 pair do. (not so whole).
+17 Collars.
+ 1 Shirt
+ 1 quart Cuff-Buttons.
+ 1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear.
+ 1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs.
+ 1 box Condition Powders.
+ 1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald).
+ 1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works.
+ 1 box Prepared Chalk.
+ 1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast.
+ 1 Powder Rag.
+ 1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy.
+ 1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it.
+ 1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night.
+ 1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that it will
+    not forget to come out again the next day.
+ 1 Box Trix for the breath.
+ 1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes unmanageable.
+ 1 Ear-spoon (large size).
+ 1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane.
+ 1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on).
+ 1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs.
+ 1 Pair Corsets.
+ 1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning.
+ 1 Large Box <i>Ennui</i>, to be used in Society.
+ 1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure.
+ 1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs.
+ 1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side pocket, but not for nose.
+ 1 Plain Handkerchief for nose.
+ 1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning).
+ 1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening).
+ 1 Picnic Head for Cane.
+ 1 Bottle Peppermint.
+ 1 do. Catnip.
+ 1 Waterbury Watch.
+ 7 Chains for same.
+ 1 Box Letter Paper.
+ 1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue).
+ 1 do     &ldquo;   (Bismarck brindle).
+ 1 do     &ldquo;   (mashed gooseberry).
+ 1 Seal for same.
+ 1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico).
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE IS NIX BONUM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9194}.jpg" alt="{9194}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9194}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you couldn't
+      rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he returned
+      from the wash-room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not like the <i>blase</i> young man as a traveling companion. He is
+      <i>nix bonum</i>. He is too <i>E pluribus</i> for me. He is not <i>de trop</i>
+      or <i>sciatica</i> enough to suit my style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile Indian
+      country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story
+      buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and &ldquo;Ah!&rdquo;
+      adown our pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except
+      that we had a good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be
+      called green, but I would rather be green and aspiring than <i>blase</i>
+      and hide-bound at nineteen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be
+      immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      History of Babylon.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only too
+      painfully, that the people of a town make or mar its success rather than
+      the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a hole
+      in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every corner of
+      the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common dynasty totter
+      on its throne.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not keep
+      up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While Babylon
+      was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of Christ, and
+      Kansas City was organized so many years after that event that many of the
+      people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City has doubled her
+      population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a gothic hole in the
+      ground.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out
+      Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were
+      blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While
+      Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other
+      towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with an
+      exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink
+      and showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is no
+      more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in
+      idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. &ldquo;Babylon
+      was probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient world.&rdquo;
+      Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose remarks are
+      unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers to Babylon as
+      &ldquo;the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's
+      excellency,&rdquo; and, yet, while Cheyenne has the electric light and two
+      daily papers, Babylon hasn't got so much as a skating rink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet high,
+      she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is
+      forgotten.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side of
+      the river, and the great temple of Belus. Connected with one of these
+      palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the seven
+      wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the Washington
+      monument and civil service reform.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was not
+      so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This garden
+      was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over the other,
+      like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each stage, or
+      story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next story sprung.
+      This structure was also supported by the common council of Babylon, who
+      came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the immense
+      weight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind
+      became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good
+      memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark in
+      the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I was
+      not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being born
+      prior to that time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When we turn from this picture of the past,&rdquo; says the
+      historian, Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, &ldquo;to
+      contemplate the present condition of these localities, we are at first
+      struck with astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and
+      wonderful a metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken
+      down. God has swept it with the besom of destruction.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been
+      abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced to
+      admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling arches
+      or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here and there
+      huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth and wicked,
+      selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and defied the supreme
+      laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire and the hard-handed, hungry
+      laborer alike must bow, and they are dust to-day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to
+      depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation,
+      and after a full investigation, I assent without fear of successful
+      contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is busted,
+      and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the Chaldean
+      fence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it doubtfully,
+      and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what we can do
+      before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how we have
+      demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. He rises up
+      rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going to Canada he
+      goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are lots of modern
+      Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my business I would
+      call their attention to it. The assertion that gold will procure all
+      things has been so common and so popular that too many consider first the
+      bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, humanity and common
+      decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into the notion that first
+      comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, the ice cream sociable
+      and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity go hand in hand
+      sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer respectability on anybody
+      who comes into the church to purchase it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more
+      earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the
+      Christian life, said: &ldquo;A man may lose all his wealth and get poor
+      and hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down close
+      to the dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his
+      immortal soul it is good-bye John.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Lovely Horrors.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I dropped in the other day to see New York's great congress of wax
+      figures and soft statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first thing
+      you do on entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York this
+      spring is mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, through
+      which the genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar to give
+      the goddess of liberty a boom.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham through
+      which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving object.
+      Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there is a model
+      ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a nickle. I never
+      visited a town that offered so many inducements for early and judicious
+      investments as New York.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice the
+      presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the band
+      of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained where
+      the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is lovely.
+      I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under one roof
+      and at one price of admission.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a merely
+      nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long as you
+      live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so as to get
+      so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole show yet in
+      the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples down my spinal
+      column just as it did the first time I saw it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't
+      think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light
+      watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I look at
+      most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a collection of
+      delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these that you get on
+      week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. Certainly New York
+      is the place where you get your money's worth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the price
+      of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that you
+      finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately suspect
+      that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a breath of fresh
+      air and stretch his legs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE WAS GREATLY ANNOYED.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8199}.jpg" alt="{8199} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8199}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in
+      my pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I
+      must have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could
+      see that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in
+      every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his
+      ill-concealed Knickerbocker lineage high.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said, &ldquo;Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket.&rdquo;
+      This startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the arms
+      of a wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in the
+      clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed to be
+      greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I returned to view a chaste and truthful scene where one man had
+      successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a
+      column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple
+      on him like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from
+      the mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella
+      and began to explain me to his companion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THIS IS JESSE JAMES.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9200}.jpg" alt="{9200}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9200}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;This,&rdquo; said the Adam's apple with the young man
+      attached to it, &ldquo;is Jesse James, the great outlaw chief from
+      Missouri. How life-like he is. Little would you think, Emeline, that he
+      would as soon disembowel a bank, kill the entire board of directors of a
+      railroad company and ride off the rolling stock, as you would wrap
+      yourself around a doughnut. How tender and kind he looks. He not only
+      looks gentle and peaceful, but he looks to me as if he wasn't real
+      bright.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went
+      away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly
+      near and hear people discuss him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day a
+      wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for wax.
+      I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to see if
+      the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across the ear in
+      such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is a roaring in
+      my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Bite of a Mad Dog.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A &ldquo;Family Physician,&rdquo; published in 1883, says, for the bite of
+      a mad dog: &ldquo;Take ash-colored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and
+      powdered, half an ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce.
+      Mix these well together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of
+      which must be taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively
+      in half an English pint of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses
+      are taken, the patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or
+      river, every morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over,
+      but not stay in (with his head above water) longer than half a minute if
+      the water is very cold. After this he must go in three times a week for a
+      fortnight longer. He must be bled before he begins to take the medicine.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is
+      bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After
+      that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury
+      has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing
+      away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of
+      pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then take
+      a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath (with the
+      head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under water, you
+      may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your pocket
+      to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome you. Some
+      use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others prefer a personal
+      friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on an empty stomach. It
+      might make you ill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end of
+      the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog may
+      reverse himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell him with
+      a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took several days
+      to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which was queller.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself
+      mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing to
+      do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled
+      until he has disappeared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a
+      new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the
+      dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get
+      one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back
+      yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the
+      approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the
+      dog).
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at
+      the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and the
+      danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of promise, it seems
+      sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man could
+      be absolutely free from anxiety.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish to
+      try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at once
+      for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but close
+      him right out below cost.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, and
+      he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, who
+      was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of a mad
+      dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the marks of
+      his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves exclusively
+      to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for indigent mad dogs
+      out of my own private funds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Arnold Winkelreid.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      This great man lived in the old romantic days when it was a common thing
+      for a patriot to lay down his life that his country might live. He knew
+      not fear, and in his noble heart his country was always on top. Not alone
+      at election did Arnold sacrifice himself, but on the tented field, where
+      the buffalo grass was soaked in gore, did he win for himself a deathless
+      name. He was as gritty as a piece of liver rolled in the sand. Where glory
+      waited, there you would always find Arnold Winkelreid at the bat, with
+      William Tell on deck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: CLEAR THE TRACK.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8203}.jpg" alt="{8203} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8203}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One day the army of the tyrant got a scoop on the rebel mountaineers and
+      it looked bad for the struggling band of chamois shooters. While Arnold's
+      detachment didn't seem to amount to a hill of beans, the hosts of
+      the tyrannical Austrian loomed up like six bits and things looked
+      forbidding. It occurred to Colonel Winkelreid that the correct thing would
+      be to break through the war front of the enemy, and then, while in his
+      rear, crash in his cranium with a cross gun while he was looking the other
+      way. Acting on this thought, he asked several of his most trusted men to
+      break through the Austrian line, so that the balance of the command could
+      pass through and slaughter enough of the enemy for a mess, but these men
+      seemed a little reticent about doing so, owing to the inclemency of the
+      weather and the threatening aspect of the enemy. The armed foe swarmed on
+      every hillside and their burnished spears glittered below in the canon.
+      You couldn't throw a stone in any direction without hitting a
+      phalanx. It was a good year for the phalanx business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Arnold took off his suspenders, and, putting a fresh chew of tobacco
+      in among his back teeth, he told his men to follow him and he would show
+      them his little racket. Marching up to the solid line of lances, he
+      gathered an armful and put them in the pit of his stomach, and, as he sank
+      to the earth, he spoke in a shrill tone of voice to posterity, saying,
+      &ldquo;Clear the track for Liberty.&rdquo; He then died.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His remains looked like a toothpick holder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But he made way for Liberty, and his troops were victorious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the inquest it was shown that he might have recovered, had not the
+      spears sat so hard on his stomach.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Probably A. Winkelreid will be remembered with gratitude long after the
+      name of the Sweet Singer of Michigan shall have rotted in oblivion. He
+      recognized and stuck to his proper spear. (This is a little mirthful
+      deviation of my own.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can think of some men now, even in this $ age of the world, who could
+      win glory by doing as A.W. did. They could offer themselves up. They could
+      suffer for the right and have their names passed down to posterity, and it
+      would be perfectly splendid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But the heroes of to-day are different. They are just as courageous, but
+      they take a wheelbarrow and push it from New York to San Francisco, or
+      they starve forty days and forty nights and then eat watermelon and
+      lecture, or they eat 800 snipe in 800 years, or get an inspiration and
+      kill somebody with it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The heroes of our day do not wear peaked hats and shoot chamois, and sass
+      tyrants and knock the worm out of an apple at fifty-nine yards rise with a
+      cross gun, as Tell did, but they know how to be loved by the people and
+      get half of the gate money. They are brave, but not mortally. The heroes
+      of our day all die of old age or political malaria.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Murray and the Mormons.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Gov. Murray, the gritty Gentile governor of Utah, would be noticed in a
+      crowd. He is very tall, yet well proportioned, square-built and handsome.
+      He was called fine looking in Kentucky, but the narrow-chested apostle of
+      the abnormally connubial creed does not see anything pretty about him.
+      Murray moves about through Salt Lake City in a cool, self-possessed kind
+      of way that is very annoying to the church. Full-bearded, with brown
+      moustache and dark hair parted a little to leeward of center; clothed in a
+      diagonal Prince Albert coat, a silk hat and other clothes, he strolls
+      through Zion like a man who hasn't got a yelping majority of
+      ignorant lepers, led by a remorseless gang of nickel-plated apostles,
+      thirsting for his young blood. I really believe he don't care a
+      continental. The days of the avenging angel and the meek-eyed Danite,
+      carrying a large sock loaded with buckshot, are over, perhaps; but only
+      those who try to be Gentiles in a land of polygamous wives and anonymous
+      white-eyed children, know how very unpopular it is. Judge Goodwin, of the
+      Tribune, feels lonesome if he gets through the day without a poorly
+      spelled, spattered, daubed and profane valentine threatening his life. The
+      last time I saw him he showed me a few of them. They generally referred to
+      him as a blankety blank &ldquo;skunk,&rdquo; and a &ldquo;hound of hell.&rdquo;
+      He said he hoped I wound pardon him for the apparent egotism, but he felt
+      as though the Tribune was attracting attention almost everyday. Some of
+      these little billet-doux invited him to call at a trysting place on
+      Tribune avenue and get his alleged brains scattered over a vacant lot.
+      Most all of them threatened him with a rectangular head, a tin ear, or a
+      watch pocket under the eye He didn't seem to care much. He felt
+      pleased and proud. Goodwin was always pleased with things that other men
+      didn't like much. In the old days, when he and Mark Twain and Dan
+      DeQuille were together, this was noticed in him. Gov. Murray is the same
+      way. He feels the public pulse, and says to himself: &ldquo;Sometime there's
+      going to be music here by the entire band, and I desire to be where I shan't
+      miss a note.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are people who think the Mormons will not fight. Perhaps not. They
+      won't if they are let alone, and allowed to fill the sage brush and
+      line the banks of the Jordan with juvenile <i>nom de plumes</i>. They are
+      peaceful while they may populate Utah and invade adjoining territories
+      with their herds of ostensible wives and prattling progeny; while they can
+      bring in every year via Castle Garden and the stock yards palace emigrant
+      car, thousands of proselyted paupers from every pest house of Europe, and
+      the free-love idiots of America. But when Murray gets an act of congress
+      at his back and a squad of nervy, gamy, law-abiding monogamous assistants
+      appointed by the president under that act of congress to knock crosswise
+      and crooked the Jim Crow revelations of Utah and Mormondom, you will see
+      the fur fly, and the fragrant follower of a false prophet will rise up
+      William Riley and the regular army will feel lonesome. I asked a staff
+      officer in one of the territories last summer what would be the result if
+      the Mormons, with their home drill and their arms and their devotion to
+      home and their fraudulent religion, should awake Nicodemas and begin to
+      massacre the Gentiles, and the regular army should be sent over the
+      Wasatch range to quell the trouble.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;the white-eyed followers of Mormonism
+      would kill the regular army with clubs. You can wear out a tribe of
+      hostile Indians when the grass gives out and the antelope hunts the
+      foothills, but the Mormons make everything they eat, drink and wear. They
+      don't care whether there's tariff or free trade. They can make
+      everything from gunpowder to a knit undershirt, from a $250 revelation to
+      a hand-made cocktail. When a church gets where it can make such cooking
+      whisky as the Mormons do, it is time to call for volunteers and put down
+      the hydra-headed monster.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If congress don't step on a technicality and fall down, it looks
+      like amusement ahead, and if a District of Columbia rule, or martial law,
+      or tocsin of war is the result, Gov. Murray is a good style of war
+      governor. He isn't the kind of a man to put on his wife's
+      gossamer cloak and meander over into Montana. He would give the matter his
+      attention, and you would find him in the neighborhood when the national
+      government decided to sit down on disorderly conduct in Utah. The first
+      lever to be used will be the great wealth of which the Mormon church and
+      its members privately are possessed. Then the oleaginous prophet will get
+      a revelation to gird up his loins and to load the double-barrel shotgun,
+      and fire the culverin, and to knock monogamy into a cocked hat. Money
+      first and massacre second. They can draw on their revelation supply house
+      at three days, any time, for authority to fill the irrigation ditches of
+      Zion with the blood of the Gentile and feed his vital organs to the
+      coyote.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      About Geology.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Geology is that branch of natural science which treats of the structure of
+      the earth's crust and the mode of formation of its rocks. It is a
+      pleasant and profitable study, and to the man who has married rich and
+      does not need to work, the amusement of busting geology with the Bible, or
+      busting the Bible with geology is indeed a great boon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Geology goes hand in hand with zoology, botany, physical geography and
+      other kindred sciences. Taxidermy, chiropody and theology are not kindred
+      sciences.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Geologists ascertain the age of the earth by looking at its teeth and
+      counting the wrinkles on its horns. They have learned that the earth is
+      not only of great age, but that it is still adding to its age from year to
+      year.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is hard to say very much of a great science in so short an article, and
+      that is one great obstacle which I am constantly running against as a
+      scientist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I once prepared a paper in astronomy entitled &ldquo;The Chronological
+      History and Habits of the Spheres.&rdquo; It was very exhaustive and
+      weighed four pounds. I sent it to a scientific publication that was
+      supposed to be working for the advancement of our race. The editor did not
+      print it, but he wrote me a crisp and saucy postal card, requesting me to
+      call with a dray and remove my stuff before the board of health got after
+      it. In five short years from that time he was a corpse. As I write these
+      lines, I learn with ill-concealed pleasure that he is still a corpse. An
+      awful dispensation of Providence, in the shape of a large, wilted
+      cucumber, laid hold upon his vitals and cursed him with an inward pain. He
+      has since had the opportunity, by actual personal observation, to see
+      whether the statements by me relating to astronomy were true. His last
+      words were: &ldquo;Friends, Romans and countrymen, beware of the q-cumber.
+      It will w up.&rdquo; It was not original, but it was good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The four great primary periods of the earth's history are as
+      follows, viz, to-wit:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      1. The Eozoic or dawn of life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      2. The Palaeozoic or period of ancient life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      3. The Mesozoic or middle period of life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      4. The Neozoic or recent period of life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These are all subdivided again, and other words more difficult to spell
+      are introduced into science, thus crowding out the vulgar herd who cannot
+      afford to use the high priced terms in constant conversation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Old timers state that the primitive condition of the earth was extremely
+      damp. With the onward march of time, and after the lapse of millions of
+      years, men found that they could get along with less and less water, until
+      at last we see the pleasant, blissful state of things. Aside from the use
+      of water at our summer resorts, that fluid is getting to be less and less
+      popular. And even here at these resorts it is generally flavored with some
+      foreign substance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE MASTODON.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0208}.jpg" alt="{0208}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0208}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      The earth's crust is variously estimated in the matter of thickness.
+      Some think it is 2,500 miles thick, which would make it safe to run heavy
+      trains across the earth anywhere on top of a second mortgage, while other
+      scientists say that if we go down one-tenth of that distance we will reach
+      a place where the worm dieth not. I do not wish to express an opinion as
+      to the actual depth or thickness of the earth's crust, but I believe
+      that it is none too thick to suit me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thickness in the earth's crust is a mighty good fault. We estimate
+      the age of certain strata of the earth's formation by means of a
+      union of our knowledge of plant and animal life, coupled with our
+      geological research and a good memory. The older scientists in the field
+      of geology do not rely solely upon the tracks of the hadrasaurus or the
+      cornucopia for their data. They simply use these things to refresh their
+      memory.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish that I had time and space to describe some of the beautiful
+      bacteria and gigantic worms that formerly inhabited the earth. Such an
+      aggregation of actual, living Silurian monsters, any one of which would
+      make a man a fortune to-day, if it could be kept on ice and exhibited for
+      one season only. You could take a full grown mastodon to-day, and with no
+      calliope, no lithographs, no bearded lady, no clown with four pillows in
+      his pantaloons and no iron-jawed woman, you could go across this continent
+      and successfully compete with the skating rink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There would be but one difficulty. Tour expenses would not be heavy. The
+      mastodon would be willing to board around, and no one would feel like
+      turning a mastodon out of doors if he seemed to be hungry; but he might
+      get away from you and frolic away so far in one night that you couldn't
+      get him for a day or two, even if you sent a detective for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I had a mastodon I would rather take him when he was young, and then I
+      could make a pet of him, so that he could come and eat out of my hand
+      without taking the hand off at the same time. A large mastodon weighing a
+      hundred tons or so is awkward, too. I suppose that nothing is more painful
+      than to be stepped on by an adult mastodon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope at some future time to write a paper for the Academy of Science on
+      the subject of &ldquo;Deceased Fauna, Fossiliferous Debris and Extinct
+      Jokes,&rdquo; showing how, when and why these early forms of animal life
+      came to be extinct.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Wallula Night.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just returned after a short tour in the far West. I made the tour
+      with my new lecture, which I am delivering this winter for the benefit,
+      and under the auspices, of a young man who was a sufferer in the great
+      rise-up-William-Biley-and-come-along-with-me cyclone, which occurred at
+      Clear Lake, in this State, a year ago last September.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In said cyclone, said young man was severely caressed by the elements, and
+      tipped over in such a way as to shatter the right leg, just below the
+      gambrel joint. I therefore started out to deliver a few lectures for his
+      benefit, and in so doing have made a 4,000 mile trip over the Northern
+      Pacific railway, and the Oregon River and Navigation company's road.
+      On the former line the passenger is fed by means of the dining-car, a very
+      good style of entertainment, indeed, and well worthy of the age in which
+      we live; but at Wallula Junction I stopped over to catch a west-bound
+      Oregon Railway and Navigation train.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That was where I fooled myself. I should have taken my valise and a rubber
+      door mat from the sleeping-car, and crawled into the lee of a snow fence
+      for the night. I did not give the matter enough thought. I just simply
+      went into the hotel and registered my name as a man would in other hotels.
+      This house was kept, or retained, I should say, by a relative of the late
+      Mr. Shylock. You have heard, no doubt, how some of the American hotels
+      have frowned on Mr. Shylock's relatives. Well, Mr. Shylock's
+      family got even with the whole American people the night I stopped in No.
+      2, second floor of the Abomination of Desolation. As a representative of
+      the American people, I received for my nation, vicariously, the stripes
+      intended for many generations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No. 2 is regarded as a room by people who have not been in it. By those
+      who have, it is looked upon as a morgue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I stepped into it, I noticed an odor of the dead past. It made me
+      shudder my overshoes off. The first thing that attracted my attention
+      after I was left alone, was the fact that other people had occupied this
+      room before I had, and, although they were gone, they had left a kind of
+      an air of inferiority that clung to the alleged apartment, an air of plug
+      tobacco and perspiration, if you will pardon the expression.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They had also left a pair of Venetian pantaloons. From this clue, my
+      active brain at once worked out the problem and settled the fact that the
+      party who had immediately preceded me was a man. Long and close study of
+      the habits and characteristics of humanity has taught me to reason out
+      these matters, and to reach accurate conclusions with astonishing
+      rapidity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was not only a man, but he was a short man, with parenthetical legs and
+      a thoughtful droop to the seat of his pants. I also discovered that more
+      of this man's life had been expended in sitting on a pitch pine log
+      than in prayer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One of his front teeth was gone, also. This I learned from a large cast of
+      his mouth, shown on the end of a plug of tobacco still left in the pocket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: IN SUSPENSE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8211}.jpg" alt="{8211} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8211}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      In Wallula there is a marked feeling of childlike trust and confidence
+      between people. It is a feature of Wallula society, I may say. The people
+      of the junction trust strangers to a remarkable extent. In what other town
+      in this whole republic would a pair of pantaloons be thus left in the
+      complete power of a total stranger, a stranger, too, to whom pantaloons
+      were a great boon? I could easily have caught those pantaloons off the
+      nail, thrust them into my bosom, and fled past the drowsy night clerk, out
+      into the great, sheltering arms of the silent night, but I did not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anon through the long hours I would awake and listen fitfully to the wail
+      of damned souls, as it seemed to me, the wail of those who tried to stay
+      there a week, and had starved to death. Here was their favorite wailing
+      place. Here was the place where damned souls seemed to throw aside all
+      restraint and have a good time. I tried to keep out the sound by stuffing
+      the pillow in my ear, but what is a cheap hotel pillow in a man's
+      ear, if he wants to keep the noise out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I lay there and listened to the soft sigh of the bath tub, the loud,
+      defiant challenge of the athletic butler down stairs, the last weak death
+      rattle in the throat of the coffee pot in the dining room, and the wail of
+      the damned souls who had formerly stopped at this hotel, but who had been
+      rescued at last, and had hilariously gone to perdition, only to come back
+      at night and torment the poor guest by bragging over the superiority of
+      hell as a refuge from the Wallula hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now and then in the night I would almost yield to a wild impulse and catch
+      those pantaloons off the hook, to rush out and go to Canada with them, and
+      then I would softly go through the pockets and hang them back again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was an awful night. When morning dawned at last, and I took the pillow
+      out of my ear and looked in the delirious and soap-spattered mirror, I saw
+      that my beautiful hair, which had been such a source of pride to me ten
+      years ago, had disappeared in places. I paid my bill, called the attention
+      of the landlord to the fact that I had not taken those pantaloons and
+      'betrayed' his trust, and then I went away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Flying Machines.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A long and exhaustive examination of the history of flying machines
+      enables me to give briefly some of the main points of a few, for the
+      benefit of those who may be interested in this science. I give what I do
+      in order to prepare the public to take advantage of the different methods,
+      and be ready at once to fly as soon as the weather gets pleasant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A Frenchman invented a flying-machine, or dofunny, as we scientists would
+      term it, in 1600 and something, whereby he could sail down from the
+      woodshed and not break his neck. He could not rise from the ground like a
+      lark and trill a few notes as he skimmed through the sky, but he could
+      fall off an ordinary hay stack like a setting hen, with the aid of his
+      wings. His name was Besnier.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One hundred and twenty-five years after that a prisoner at Vienna, named
+      Jacob Dagen, told the jailer that he could fly. The jailer seemed
+      incredulous, and so Jake constructed a pair of double barrel umbrellas,
+      that worked by hand, and fluttered with his machine into the air fifty
+      feet. He came down in a direct line, and in doing so ran one of the
+      umbrellas through his thorax. I am glad it is not the custom now to wear
+      an umbrella in the thorax.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In England, during the present century, several inventors produced flying
+      machines, but in an evil hour agreed to rise on them themselves, and so
+      they died from their injuries. Some came down on top of the machines,
+      while others preceded their inventions by a few feet, but the result was
+      the same. The invention of flying machines has always been handicapped, as
+      it were, by this fact Men invent a flying machine and then try to ride it
+      and show it off, and thus they are prevented by death from perfecting
+      their rolling stock and securing their right of way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1842, Mr. William Henderson got out a &ldquo;two-propeller&rdquo;
+      machine, and tried to incorporate a company to utilize it for the purpose
+      of carrying letters, running errands, driving home the cows, lighting the
+      Northern Lights and skimming the cream off the Milky Way, but it didn't
+      seem to compete very successfully with other modes of travel, and so Mr.
+      Henderson wrapped it up in an old tent and put it away in the hay-mow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1853, Mr. J.H. Johnson patented a balloon and parachute dingus which
+      worked on the principle of a duck's foot in the mud. I use
+      scientific terms because I am unable to express myself in the common
+      language of the vulgar herd. This machine had a tail which, under great
+      excitement, it would throw over the dash board as it bounded through the
+      air.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Probably the biggest thing in its way under this head was the revival of
+      flying under the presidency of the Duke of Argyle, the society being
+      called the Aeronautical Society of Great Britain. This society made some
+      valuable calculations and experiments in the interest of aerostation,
+      adding much to our scientific knowledge, and filling London with cripples.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 1869, Mr. Joseph T. Kaufman invented and turned loose upon the people
+      of Glasgow an infernal machine intended to soar considerably in a quiet
+      kind of way and to be propelled by steam. It looked like the bird known to
+      ornithology as the <i>flyupithecrick</i>, and had an air brake, patent
+      coupler, buffer and platform. It was intended to hold two men on ice and a
+      rosewood casket with silver handles. It was mounted on wheels, and, as it
+      did not seem to skim through the air very much, the people of Glasgow
+      hitched a clothes line to it and used it for a band wagon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Rufus Porter invented an aerial dewdad ten years ago in Connecticut, where
+      so many crimes have been committed since Mark Twain moved there. This was
+      called the &ldquo;aeraport,&rdquo; and looked like a seed wart floating
+      through space. This engine was worked by springs connected with
+      propellers. A saloon was suspended beneath it, I presume on the principle
+      that when a man is intoxicated he weighs a pound less. This machine flew
+      around the rotunda of the Merchants' Exchange, in New York City,
+      eleven times, like a hen with her head cut off, but has not been on the
+      wing much since then.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Other flying machines have been invented, but the air is not peopled with
+      them as I write. Most of them have folded their pinions and sought the
+      seclusion of a hen-house. It is to be hoped that very soon some such
+      machine will be perfected, whereby a man may flit from the fifth story
+      window of the Grand Pacific Hotel, in Chicago, to Montreal before
+      breakfast, leaving nothing in his room but the furniture and his kind
+      regards.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such an invention would be hailed with much joy, and the sale would be
+      enormous. Now, however, the matter is still in its infancy. The mechanical
+      birds invented for the purpose of skimming through the ether blue, have
+      not skum. The machines were built with high hopes and a throbbing heart,
+      but the aforesaid ether remains unskum as we go to press. The Milky Way is
+      in the same condition, awaiting the arrival of the fearless skimmer. Will
+      men ever be permitted to pierce the utmost details of the sky and ramble
+      around among the stars with a gum overcoat on? Sometimes I trow he will,
+      and then again I ween not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Asking for a Pass.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The general passenger agent of a prominent road leading out of Chicago
+      toward the south, tells me that he is getting a good many letters lately
+      asking for passes, and he complains bitterly over the awkward and
+      unsatisfactory style of the correspondence. Acting on this suggestion and
+      though a little late in the day, perhaps, I have erected the following as
+      a guide to those who contemplate writing under similar circumstances:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Office of The Evening Squeal, January 14, 1886.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      General Passenger Agent, Great North American Gitthere R.R., Chicago, Ill.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir.&mdash;I desire to know by return mail whether or no you would be
+      pleased to swap transportation for kind words. I am the editor of &ldquo;The
+      Squeal,&rdquo; published at this place. It is a paper pure in tone, world
+      wide in its scope and irresistible in the broad sweep of its mighty arm.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE PRESS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9216}.jpg" alt="{9216}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9216}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I desire to visit the great exposition at New Orleans this winter, and
+      would be willing to yield you a few words of editorial opinion, set in
+      long primer type next to pure reading matter, and without advertising
+      marks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My object in thus addressing you is two-fold. I have always wanted to do
+      your road a kind act that would put it on its feet, but I have never
+      before had the opportunity. This winter I feel just like it, and am not
+      willing, but anxious. Another object, though trivial, perhaps, to you, is
+      vital to me. If I do not get the pass, I am afraid I shall not reach there
+      till the exposition is over. You can see for yourself how important it is
+      that I should have transportation. Day after day the president on to the
+      grounds and ask if I am there. Some official will salute him and answer
+      sadly, &ldquo;No, your highness, he has not yet arrived, but we look for
+      him soon. He is said to be stuck in a mud hole somewhere in Egypt.&rdquo;
+      Then the exposition will drag on again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: STUCK IN A MUD HOLE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8217}.jpg" alt="{8217} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8217}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      ============
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may make the pass read, &ldquo;For self, Chicago to New Orleans and
+      return,&rdquo; and I will write the editorial, or you may make it read,
+      &ldquo;Self and wife&rdquo; and I will let you write it yourself. Nothing
+      is too good for my friends. When a man does me a kind act or shows signs
+      of affection, I just allow him to walk all over me and make himself
+      perfectly free with the policy of my paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The &ldquo;Evening Squeal&rdquo; has been heard everywhere. We send it to
+      the four winds of Heaven, and its influence is felt wherever the English
+      language is respected. And yet, if you want to belong to my coterie of
+      friends, you can make yourself just as free with its editorial columns as
+      you would if you owned it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And yet &ldquo;The Squeal&rdquo; is a bad one to stir up. I shudder to
+      think what the result would be if you should incur the hatred of &ldquo;The
+      Squeal.&rdquo; Let us avoid such a subject or the possibility of such a
+      calamity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Squeal&rdquo; once opposed the candidacy of a certain man for
+      the office of school district clerk, and in less than four years he was a
+      corpse! Struck down in all his wanton pride by one of the popular diseases
+      of the day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My paper at one time became the foe of a certain road which tapped the
+      great cranberry vineyards of northern Minnesota, and that very fall the
+      berries soured on the vines!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I might go on for pages to show how the pathway of &ldquo;The Squeal&rdquo;
+      has been strewn with the ruins of railroads, all prosperous and happy till
+      they antagonized us and sought to injure us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I believe that the great journals and trunk lines of the land should stand
+      in with one another. If you have the support and moral encouragement of
+      the press you will feel perfectly free to run over any one who gets on
+      your track. Besides, if I held a pass over your road I should feel very
+      much reserved about printing the details of any accident, delay or washout
+      along your line. I aim to mould public opinion, but a man can subsidize
+      and corrupt me if he goes at it right. I write this to kind of give you a
+      pointer as to how you can go to work to do so if you see fit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Should you wish to pervert my high moral notions in relation to railways,
+      please make it good for thirty days, as it may take me a week or so to
+      mortgage my property and get ready to go in good style. I will let you
+      know on what day I will be in New Orleans, so that you can come and see me
+      at that time. Should you have difficulty in obtaining an audience with me,
+      owing to the throng of crowned heads, just show this autograph letter to
+      the doorkeeper, and he will show you right in. Wipe your boots before
+      entering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours truly,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Daniel Webster Briggs, Editor of &ldquo;The Squeal.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is my opinion that no railroad official, however disobliging, would
+      hesitate a moment about which way he would swing after reading an epistle
+      after this pattern. Few, indeed, are the men who would be impolitic enough
+      to incur the displeasure of such a paper as I have artfully represented
+      &ldquo;The Squeal&rdquo; to be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Words About Washington.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that made
+      him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large feet and
+      a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned, full-dress pumpkin pie. I use the
+      word glamour, not so much because I know what glamour means, but because I
+      have never used it before, and I am getting a little tired of the short,
+      easy words I have been using so long.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George Washington's face has beamed out upon us for many years now,
+      on postage stamps and currency, in marble, and plaster, and bronze, in
+      photographs of original portraits, paintings, end stereoscopic views. We
+      have seen him on horseback and on foot, on the war-path and on skates,
+      cussing his troops for their shiftlessness, and then in the solitude of
+      the forest, with his snorting war-horse tied to a tree, engaged in prayer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have seen all these pictures of George, till we are led to believe that
+      he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries. But George
+      Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of
+      his life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the
+      proud history of the Father of his Country. I say it simply that the boys
+      of America who want to become George Washingtons will not feel so timid
+      about trying it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the limekiln
+      at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his subordinates at times,
+      in a way to make the ground crack open and break up the ice in the
+      Delaware a week earlier than usual, I do not mention it in order to show
+      the boys of our day that profanity will make them resemble George
+      Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no doubt he was ashamed
+      of it, as he ought to have been. Some poets think that if they get drunk,
+      and stay drunk, they will resemble Edgar A. Poe and George D. Prentice.
+      There are lawyers who play poker year after year, and get regularly
+      skinned, because they have heard that some of the able lawyers of the past
+      century used to come home at night with poker chips in their pockets.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Whisky will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. And yet I have
+      seen poets who relied solely on the potency of their breath, and lawyers
+      who knew more of the habits of a bob-tail flush than they ever did of the
+      statutes in such case made and provided.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George Washington was always ready. If you wanted a man to be first in
+      war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be first
+      baseman in time of peace, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at any hour
+      of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the hearts of his
+      countrymen, George's postoffice address was at once secured.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often we hear that
+      in America! It is the place where it is a positive disadvantage to be born
+      wealthy. And yet, sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way
+      on me. I do not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too
+      late; but it seems to me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight
+      into human nature, I could have struggled along under the burdens and
+      cares of wealth with great success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I
+      could have been born wealthy, it seems to me I would have been tickled
+      almost to death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to
+      say that greatness is a lottery is pernicious. Man may be wrong sometimes
+      in his judgment of others, both individually and in the aggregate, but he
+      who gets ready to be a great man will surely find the opportunity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many who read the above paragraph will wonder who I got to write it for
+      me, but they will never find out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for three
+      reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his friends.
+      Another was that he had a strong will without being a mule. Some people
+      cannot distinguish between being firm and being a big blue jackass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Another reason why Washington is loved and honored to-day, is that he died
+      before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly superior to
+      the method adopted by many modern statesmen, who wait till their
+      constituency weary of them and then reluctantly and tardily die.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Board of Trade.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I went into the Chicago Board of Trade awhile ago to see about buying some
+      seed wheat for sowing on my farm next spring. I heard that I could get
+      wheat cheaper there than anywhere else, so I went over. The members of the
+      Board seemed to be all present. They were on the upper floor of the house,
+      about three hundred of them, I judge, engaged in conversation. All of them
+      were conversing when I entered, with the exception of a sad-looking man
+      who had just been squeezed into a corner and injured, I was told. I told
+      him that arnica was as good as anything I knew of for that, but he seemed
+      irritated, and I strode majestically away. Probably he thought I had no
+      business to speak to him without an introduction, but I never stand on
+      ceremony when I see anyone in pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: INDULGING IN CONVERSATION.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8221}.jpg" alt="{8221} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8221}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I got a ticket when I went in, and began to look around for my wheat. I
+      didn't see any at first. I then asked one of the conversationalists
+      how wheat was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, wheat's pretty steady just now, 'specially October,
+      but yesterday we thought the bottom had dropped out. Perfect panic in No.
+      2, red; No. 2, Chicago Spring, 73-7/8. Dull, my Christian friend, dull is
+      no name for it. More fellers got pinched yesterday than would patch
+      purgatory fifteen miles. What you doing, buying or selling?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Buying.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Better let me sell you some choice Chicago Spring way down. Get
+      some man you know on the Board to make the trade for you.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, if you've got something good and cheap, and that you
+      know will grow, I'd like to look at it,&rdquo; I said.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He took me over by the door where there was a dishpan full of wheat, and
+      asked me how that struck me, I said it looked good and asked him how much
+      he could spare of it at .73. He said he had 50,000 bushels that he wasn't
+      using, and he thought he could get me another 50,000 of a friend, if I
+      wanted it. I said no, 100,000 bushels was more than I needed. I told him
+      that if he would let me have that dishpan full, one-half cash and the
+      balance in installments, I might trade with him, but I didn't want
+      him to sell me his last bushel of wheat and rob himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Very likely you've got a family,&rdquo; said I, &ldquo;and
+      you mustn't forget that we've got a long, cold, hard winter
+      ahead of us. Hang on to your wheat. Don't let Tom, Dick and Harry
+      come along and chisel you out of your last kernel, just to be neighborly.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remained in the room an hour and a half, the cynosure of all eyes. There
+      is a great deal of sociability there. Three hundred men all talking
+      diagonally at each other at the same time, reminds me of a tete-a-tete I
+      once had with a warm personal friend, who was a boiler-maker. He invited
+      me to come around to the shop and visit him. He said we could crawl down
+      through the manhole into the boiler and have a nice visit while he worked.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remember of following him down through the hole into the boiler; then
+      they began to head boiler rivets, and I knew nothing more till I returned
+      to consciousness the next day to find myself in my own
+      luxuriously-furnished apartments.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The family physician was holding my hand. My wife asked: &ldquo;Is he
+      conscious yet, do you think, doctor?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes,&rdquo; he replied, &ldquo;your husband begins to show signs of
+      life. He may live for many years, but his intellect seems to have been
+      mislaid during his illness. Do you know whether the cat has carried
+      anything out of this room lately?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then my wife said: &ldquo;Yes, the cat did get something out of this room
+      only the other day and ate it. Poor thing!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Cow-Boy.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      So much amusing talk is being made recently anent the blood-bedraggled
+      cow-boy of the wild West, that I rise as one man to say a few things, not
+      in a dictatorial style, but regarding this so-called or so esteemed dry
+      land pirate who, mounted on a little cow-pony and under the black flag,
+      sails out across the green surge of the plains to scatter the rocky shores
+      of Time with the bones of his fellow-man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A great many people wonder where the cow-boy, with his abnormal thirst for
+      blood, originated. Where did this young Jesse James, with his gory record
+      and his dauntless eye, come from? Was he born in a buffalo wallow at the
+      foot of some rock-ribbed mountain, or did he first breathe the thin air
+      along the brink of an alkali pond, where the horned toad and the centipede
+      sang him to sleep, and the tarantula tickled him under the chin with its
+      hairy legs?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Careful research and cold, hard statistics show that the cow-boy, as a
+      general thing, was born in an unostentatious manner on the farm. I hate to
+      sit down on a beautiful romance and squash the breath out of a romantic
+      dream; but the cow-boy who gets too much moist damnation in his system,
+      and rides on a gallop up and down Main street shooting out the lights of
+      the beautiful billiard palaces, would be just as unhappy if a mouse ran up
+      his pantaloon-leg as you would, gentle reader. He is generally a youth who
+      thinks he will not earn his twenty-five dollars per month if he does not
+      yell, and whoop, and shoot, and scare little girls into St. Vitus's
+      dance. I've known more cow-boys to injure themselves with their own
+      revolvers than to injure anyone else. This is evidently because they are
+      more familiar with the hoe than they are with the Smith &amp; Wesson.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One night while I had rooms in the business part of a Territorial city in
+      the Rocky Mountain cattle country, I was awakened at about one o'clock
+      A. M. by the most blood-curdling cry of &ldquo;Murder&rdquo; I ever heard.
+      It was murder with a big &ldquo;M.&rdquo; Across the street, in the bright
+      light of a restaurant, a dozen cow-boys with broad sombreros and flashing
+      silver braid, huge leather chaperajas,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mexican spurs and orange silk neckties, and with flashing revolvers, were
+      standing. It seemed that a big, red-faced Captain Kidd of the band, with
+      his skin full of valley tan, had marched into an ice-cream resort with a
+      self-cocker in his hand, and ordered the vanilla coolness for the gang.
+      There being a dozen young folks at the place, mostly male and female, from
+      a neighboring hop, indulging in cream, the proprietor, a meek Norwegian
+      with thin white hair, deemed it rude and outre to do so. He said something
+      to that effect, whereat the other eleven men of alcoholic courage let off
+      a yell that froze the cream into a solid glacier, and shook two kerosene
+      lamps out of their sockets in the chandeliers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE YELLED MURDER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9224}.jpg" alt="{9224}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9224}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Thereupon, the little Y.M.C.A. Norwegian said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gentlemans, I kain't neffer like dot squealinks and dot kaind
+      of a tings, and you fellers mit dot ledder pantses on and dot funny glose
+      and such a tings like dot, better keep kaind of quiet, or I shall call up
+      the policemen mit my delephone.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then they laughed at him, and cried yet again with a loud voice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This annoyed the ice-cream agriculturist, and he took the old axe-handle
+      that he used to jam the ice down around the freezer with, and peeled a
+      large area of scalp off the leader's dome of thought, and it hung
+      down over his eyes, so that he could not see to shoot with any degree of
+      accuracy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After he had yelled &ldquo;Murder!&rdquo; three or four times, he fell
+      under an ice-cream table, and the mild-eyed Scandinavian broke a
+      silver-plated castor over the organ of self-esteem, and poured red pepper,
+      and salt, and vinegar, and Halford sauce and other relishes, on the place
+      where the scalp was loose.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This revived the brave but murderous cow-gentleman, and he begged that he
+      might be allowed to go away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gentle Y.M.C.A. superintendent of the ten-stamp ice-cream freezers
+      then took the revolvers away from the bold buccaneer, and kicked him out
+      through a show-case, and saluted him with a bouquet of July oysters that
+      suffered severely from malaria.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All cow-boys are not sanguinary; but out of twenty you will generally find
+      one who is brave when he has his revolvers with him; but when he forgot
+      and left his shooters at home on the piano, the most tropical violet-eyed
+      dude can climb him with the butt-end of a sunflower, and beat his brains
+      out and spatter them all over that school district.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the wild, unfettered West, beware of the man who never carries arms,
+      never gets drunk and always minds his own business. He don't go
+      around shooting out the gas, or intimidating a kindergarten school; but
+      when a brave frontiersman, with a revolver in each boot and a bowie down
+      the back of his neck, insults a modest young lady, and needs to be thrown
+      through a plate-glass window and then walked over by the populace, call on
+      the silent man who dares to wear a clean shirt and human clothes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Stirring Incidents at a Fire.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Last night I was awakened by the cry of fire. It was a loud, hoarse cry,
+      such as a large, adult man might emit from his window on the night air.
+      The town was not large, and the fire department, I had been told, was not
+      so effective as it should have been.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For that reason I arose and carefully dressed myself, in order to assist,
+      if possible. I carefully lowered myself from my room, by means of a
+      staircase which I found concealed in a dark and mysterious corner of the
+      passage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse cry of fire had been taken up
+      by others, passed around from one to another, till it had swollen into a
+      dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town is always a grand sight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All along the street in front of Mr. Pendergast's roller rink the
+      blanched faces of the people could be seen. Men were hurrying to and fro,
+      knocking the bystanders over in their frantic attempts to get somewhere
+      else. With great foresight, Mr. Pendergast, who had that day finished
+      painting his roller rink a dull-roan color, removed from the building the
+      large card which bore the legend:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      FRESH PAINT!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      so that those who were so disposed might feel perfectly free to lean up
+      against the rink and watch the progress of the flames.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anon the bright glare of the devouring element might have been seen
+      bursting through the casement of Mr. Cicero Williams's residence,
+      facing on the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink. Across the street
+      the spectator whose early education had not been neglected could
+      distinctly read the sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Alonzo
+      Burlingame, which was lit up by the red glare of the flames so that the
+      letters stood out plainly as follows:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Alonzo Burlingame,
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice-Cream, Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery,
+  Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish.
+Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing.
+Gas Fitting and Undertaking in all Its Branches.
+Hides, Tallow, and Maple Syrup.
+Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt.
+Glue, Codfish, and Gent's Neckwear.
+Undertaker and Confectioner.
+Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      Jno. White, Ptr.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The flames spread rapidly, until they threatened the Palace rink of our
+      esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and urbane manner
+      has endeared him to all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With a degree of forethought worthy of a better cause, Mr. Leroy W. Butts
+      suggested the propriety of calling out the hook and ladder company, an
+      organization of which every one seemed to be justly proud. Some delay
+      ensued in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook and Ladder Company
+      No. 1's building, but at last he was secured, and, after he had gone
+      home for the key, Mr. Butts ran swiftly down the street to awaken the
+      foreman, but, after he had dressed himself and inquired anxiously about
+      the fire, he said that he was not foreman of the company since the 2d of
+      April.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meantime the firefiend continued to rise up ever and anon on his hind feet
+      and lick up salt-barrel after salt-barrel in close proximity to the Palace
+      rink, owned by our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr. Pendergast. Twice Mr.
+      Pendergast was seen to shudder, after which he went home and filled out a
+      blank which he forwarded to the insurance company.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just as the town seemed doomed, the hook and ladder company came rushing
+      down the street with their navy-blue hook and ladder truck. It is indeed a
+      beauty, being one of the Excelsior noiseless hook and ladder factory's
+      best instruments, with tall red pails and rich blue ladders.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some delay ensued, as several of the officers claimed that under a new
+      bylaw passed in January they were permitted to ride on the truck to fires.
+      This having been objected to by a gentleman who had lived in Chicago
+      several years, a copy of the by-laws was sent for and the dispute
+      summarily settled. The company now donned its rubber overcoats with great
+      coolness and proceeded at once to deftly twist the tail of the firefiend.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a thrilling sight as James McDonald, a brother of Terrance
+      McDonald, Trombone, Ind., rapidly ascended one of the ladders in the full
+      glare of the devouring element and fell off again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then a wild cheer arose to a height of about nine feet, and all again
+      became confused.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was now past 11 o'clock, and several of the members of the hook
+      and ladder company who had to get up early the next day in order to catch
+      a train excused themselves and went home to seek much-needed rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suddenly it was discovered that the brick livery stable of Mr. Abraham
+      McMichaels, a nephew of our worthy assessor, was getting hot. Leaving the
+      Palace rink to its fate, the hook and ladder company directed its
+      attention to the brick barn, and, after numerous attempts, at last
+      succeeded in getting its large iron prong fastened on the second story
+      window-sill, which was pulled out. The hook was again inserted, but not so
+      effectively, bringing down at this time an armful of hay and part of an
+      old horse blanket. Another courageous jab was made with the iron hook,
+      which succeeded in pulling out about 5 cents worth of brick. This was
+      greeted by a wild burst of applause from the bystanders, during which the
+      hook and ladder company fell over each other and added to the horror of
+      the scene by a mad burst of pale-blue profanity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was not long before the stable was licked up by the firefiend, and the
+      hook and ladder company directed its attention toward the undertaking,
+      embalming, and ice-cream parlors of our highly esteemed fellow-townsman,
+      Mr. A. Burlingame. The company succeeded in pulling two stone window-sills
+      out of this building before it burned. Both times they were encored by the
+      large and aristocratic audience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Burlingame at once recognized the efforts of the heroic firemen by
+      tapping a keg of beer, which he distributed among them at 25 cents per
+      glass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This morning a space forty-seven feet wide, where but yesterday all was
+      joy and prosperity and beauty, is covered over with blackened ruins. Mr.
+      Pendergast is overcome by grief over the loss of his rink, but assures us
+      that if he is successful in getting the full amount of his insurance he
+      will take the money and build two rinks, either one of which will be far
+      more imposing than the one destroyed last evening.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A movement is on foot to give a literary and musical entertainment at
+      Burley's hall, to raise funds for the purchase of new uniforms for
+      the &ldquo;fire laddies,&rdquo; at which Mrs. Butts has consented to sing
+      &ldquo;When the Robins Nest Again,&rdquo; and Miss Mertie Stout will
+      recite &ldquo;'Ostler Jo,&rdquo; a selection which never fails to
+      offend the best people everywhere. Twenty-five cents for each offense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let there be a full house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Little Barefoot Boy.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      With the moist and misty spring, with the pink and white columbine of the
+      wildwood and the breath of the cellar and the incense of burning overshoes
+      in the back yard, comes the little barefoot boy with fawn colored hair and
+      a droop in his pantaloons. Poverty is not the grand difficulty with the
+      little barefoot boy of spring. It is the wild, ungovernable desire to
+      wiggle his toes in the ambient air, and to soothe his parboiled heels in
+      the yielding mud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I see him now in my mind's eye, making his annual appearance like a
+      rheumatic housefly, stepping high like a blind horse. He has just left his
+      shoes in the woodshed and stepped out on the piazza to proclaim that
+      violet-eyed spring is here. All over the land the gladiolus bulb and the
+      ice man begin to swell. The south wind and the new-born calf at the barn
+      begin to sigh. The oak tree and the dude begin to put on their spring
+      apparel. All nature is gay. The thrush is warbling in the asparagus
+      orchard, and the prima donna does her throat up in a red flannel rag to
+      wait for another season.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All these things indicate spring, but they are not so certain and
+      unfailing as the little barefoot boy whose white feet are thrust into the
+      face of the approaching season. Five months from now those little dimpled
+      feet, now so bleached and tender, will look like a mudturtle's back
+      and the superior and leading toe will have a bandage around it, tied with
+      a piece of thread.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who would believe that the budding hoodlum before us, with the yellow
+      chilblain on his heel and the early spring toad in his pocket, which he
+      will present to the timid teacher as a testimonial of his regard this
+      afternoon, may be the Moses who will lead the American people forty years
+      hence into the glorious sunlight of a promised land.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He may possibly do it, but he doesn't look like it now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yet John A. Logan and Samuel J. Tilden were once barefooted boys, with a
+      suspender apiece. It doesn't seem possible, does it?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How can we imagine at this time Julius Caesar and Hannibal Hamlin and
+      Lucretia Borgia at some time or other stubbed their bare toes against a
+      root and filled the horizon with pianissimo wails. The barefoot boy of
+      spring will also proceed to bathe in the river as soon as the ice and the
+      policeman are out. He will choose a point on the boulevard, where he can
+      get a good view of those who pass, and in company with eleven other little
+      barefoot boys, he will clothe himself in an Adam vest, a pair of bare-skin
+      pantaloons, a Greek slave overcoat and a yard of sunlight, and gaze
+      earnestly at those who go by on the other side. Up and down the bank,
+      pasting each other with mud, the little barefoot boys of spring chase each
+      other, with their vertebrae sticking into the warm and sleepy air, while
+      down in the marsh, where the cat-tails and the broad flags and the peach
+      can and the deceased horse grow, the bull-frog is twittering to his mate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A TESTIMONIAL OF REGARD.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0230}.jpg" alt="{0230}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0230}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Later on, the hoarse voice of a rude parental snorter is heard
+      approaching, and twelve slim Cupids with sunburned backs are inserted into
+      twelve little cotton shirts and twelve despondent pairs of pantaloons hang
+      at half-mast to twelve home-made suspenders, and as the gloaming gathers
+      about the old home, twelve boys back up against the ice-house to cool off,
+      while the enraged parent hangs up the buggy whip in the old place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Favored a Higher Fine.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Will Taylor, the son of the present American Consul at Marseilles, was a
+      good deal like other boys while at school in his old home, at Hudson, Wis.
+      One day he called his father into the library, and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pa, I don't like to tell you, but the teacher and I have had
+      trouble.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What's the matter now?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I cut one of the desks a little with my knife, and the
+      teacher says I've got to pay a dollar or take a lickin'.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, why don't you take the licking and say nothing more
+      about it? I can stand considerable physical pain, so long as it visits our
+      family in that form. Of course, it is not pleasant to be flogged, but you
+      have broken a rule of the school, and I guess you'll have to stand
+      it. I presume that the teacher will in wrath remember mercy, and avoid
+      disabling you so that you can't get your coat on any more.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But, pa, I feel mighty bad about it already, and if you'd pay
+      my fine I'd never do it again. I know a good deal more about it now,
+      and I will never do it again. A dollar ain't much to you, pa, but it's
+      a heap to a boy that hasn't got a cent. If I could make a dollar as
+      easy as you can, pa, I'd never let my little boy get flogged that
+      way just to save a dollar. If I had a little feller that got licked bekuz
+      I didn't put up for him, I'd hate the sight of money always. I'd
+      feel as if every dollar in my pocket had been taken out of my little kid's
+      back.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, now, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give
+      you a dollar to save you from punishment this time, but if anything of
+      this kind ever occurs again I'll hold you while the teacher licks
+      you, and then I'll get the teacher to hold you while I lick you.
+      That's the way I feel about that. If you want to go around whittling
+      up our educational institutions you can do so; but you will have to
+      purchase them afterward yourself. I don't propose to buy any more
+      damaged school furniture. You probably grasp my meaning, do you not? I
+      send you to school to acquire an education, not to acquire liabilities, so
+      that you can come around and make an assessment on me. I feel a great
+      interest in you, Willie, but I do not feel as though it should be an
+      assessable interest. I want to go on, of course, and improve the property,
+      but when I pay my dues on it I want to know that it goes toward
+      development work. I don't want my assessments to go toward the
+      purchase of a school-desk with American hieroglyphics carved on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I hope that you will bear this in your mind, my son, and beware. It
+      will be greatly to your interest to beware. If I were in your place I
+      would put in a large portion of my time in the beware business.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The boy took the dollar and went thoughtfully away to school, and no more
+      was ever said about the matter until Mr. Taylor learned casually several
+      months later that the Spartan youth had received the walloping and filed
+      away the dollar for future reference. The boy was afterward heard to say
+      that he favored a much heavier fine in cases of that kind. One whipping
+      was sufficient, he said, but he favored a fine of $5. It ought to be
+      severe enough to make it an object.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      &ldquo;I Spy.&rdquo;
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Dear reader, do you remember the boy of your school who did the heavy
+      falling through the ice and was always about to break his neck, but
+      managed to live through it all? Do you call to mind the youth who never
+      allowed anybody else to fall out of a tree and break his collar bone when
+      he could attend to it himself? Every school has to secure the services of
+      such a boy before it can succeed, and so our school had one. When I
+      entered the school I saw at a glance that the board had neglected to
+      provide itself with a boy whose duty it was to nearly kill himself every
+      few days in order to keep up the interest so I applied for the position. I
+      secured it without any trouble whatever. The board understood at once from
+      my bearing that I would succeed. And I did not betray the trust they had
+      reposed in me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: BRINGING IN THE REMAINS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8233}.jpg" alt="{8233} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8233}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Before the first term was over I had tried to climb two trees at once and
+      been carried home on a stretcher; been pulled out of the river with my
+      lungs full of water, and artificial respiration resorted to; been jerked
+      around over the north half of the county by a fractious horse whose halter
+      I had tied to my leg, and which leg is now three inches longer than the
+      other; together with various other little early eccentricities which I
+      cannot at this moment call to mind. My parents at last got so that along
+      about 2 o'clock P.M. they would look anxiously out of the window and
+      say, &ldquo;Isn't it about time for the boys to get here with
+      William's remains? They generally get here before 2 o'clock.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day five or six of us were playing &ldquo;I spy&rdquo; around our
+      barn. Every body knows how to play &ldquo;I spy.&rdquo; One shuts his eyes
+      and counts 100, for instance, while the others hide. Then he must find the
+      rest and say &ldquo;I spy&rdquo; so-and-so and touch the &ldquo;goal&rdquo;
+      before they do. If anybody beats him to the goal the victim has to &ldquo;blind&rdquo;
+      over again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, I knew the ground pretty well, and could drop twenty feet out of the
+      barn window and strike on a pile of straw so as to land near the goal,
+      touch it, and let the crowd in free without getting found out. I did this
+      several times and got the blinder, James Bang, pretty mad. After a boy has
+      counted 500 or 600, and worked hard to gather in the crowd, only to get
+      jeered and laughed at by the boys, he loses his temper. It was so with
+      James Cicero Bang. I knew that he almost hated me, and yet I went on.
+      Finally, in the fifth ballot, I saw a good chance to slide down and let
+      the crowd in again as I had done on former occasions. I slipped out of the
+      window and down the side of the barn about two feet, when I was detained
+      unavoidably. There was a &ldquo;batten&rdquo; on the barn that was loose
+      at the upper end. I think I was wearing my father's vest on that
+      day, as he was away from home, and I frequently wore his clothes when he
+      was absent. Anyhow the vest was too large, and when I slid down that loose
+      board ran up between the vest and my person in such a way as to suspend me
+      about eighteen feet from the ground, in a prominent but very uncomfortable
+      position.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I remember it quite distinctly. James C. Bang came around where he could
+      see me. He said: &ldquo;I spy Billy Nye and touch the goal before him.&rdquo;
+      No one came to remove the barn. No one came to sympathize with me in my
+      great sorrow and isolation. Every little while James C. Bang would come
+      around the corner and say: &ldquo;Oh, I see ye. You needn't think
+      you're out of sight up there. I can see you real plain. You better
+      come down and blind. I can see ye up there!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I tried to unbutton my vest and get down there and lick James, but it was
+      of no use. It was a very trying time. I can remember how I tried to kick
+      myself loose, but failed. Sometimes I would kick the barn and sometimes I
+      would kick a large hole in the horizon. Finally I was rescued by a
+      neighbor who said he didn't want to see a good barn kicked into
+      chaos just to save a long-legged boy that wasn't worth over six
+      bits.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It affords me great pleasure to add that while I am looked up to and madly
+      loved by every one that does not know me, Jas. C. Bang is brevet president
+      of a fractured bank, taking a lonely bridal tour by himself in Europe and
+      waiting for the depositors to die of old age.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they most generally get there with
+      both feet. (Adapted from the French by permission.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Mark Anthony.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Marcus Antonius, commonly called Mark Antony, was a celebrated Roman
+      general and successful politician, who was born in 83 B.C. His
+      grandfather, on his mother's side, was L. Julius Caesar, and it is
+      thought that to Mark's sagacity in his selection of a mother, much
+      of his subsequent success was due.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Young Antony was rather gay and festive during his early years, and led a
+      life that in any city but Rome would have occasioned talk. He got into a
+      great many youthful scrapes, and nothing seemed to please him better than
+      to repeatedly bring his father's gray hairs down in sorrow to the
+      grave. Debauchery was a matter to which he gave much thought, and many a
+      time he was found consuming the midnight oil while pursuing his studies in
+      this line.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At that time Rome was well provided for in the debauchery department, and
+      Mr. Antony became a thorough student of the entire curriculum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About 57 B.C. he obtained command of the cavalry of Gambinino in Syria and
+      Egypt. He also acted as legate for Caesar in Gaul about 52 B.C., as nearly
+      as I can recall the year. I do not know exactly what a legate is, but it
+      had something to do with the Roman ballet, I understand, and commanded a
+      good salary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was also elected, in 50, B.C., as Argus and Tribune&mdash;acting as
+      Tribune at night and Argus during the day time, I presume, or he may have
+      been elected Tribune and ex-officio Argus. He was more successful as
+      Tribune than he was in the Argus business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Early in 49, B.C., he fled to Caesar's camp, and the following year
+      was appointed commander-in-chief. He commanded the left wing of the army
+      at the battle of Pharsalia, and years afterward used to be passionately
+      fond of describing it and explaining how he saved the day, and how
+      everybody else was surprised but him, and how he was awakened by hearing
+      one of the enemy's troops, across the river, stealthily pulling on
+      his pantaloons.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Antony married Fulvia, the widow of a successful demagogue named P.
+      Clodius. This marriage could hardly be regarded as a success. It would
+      have been better for the widow if she had remained Mrs. P. Clodius, for
+      Mark Antony was one of those old-fashioned Romans who favored the utmost
+      latitude among men, but heartily enjoyed seeing an unfaithful woman burned
+      at the stake. In those days the Roman girl had nothing to do but live a
+      pure and blameless life, so that she could marry a shattered Roman rake
+      who had succeeded in shunning a blameless life himself, and at last, when
+      he was sick of all kinds of depravity and needed a good, careful wife to
+      take care of him, would come with his dappled, sin-sick soul and shattered
+      constitution, and his vast acquisitions of debts, and ask to be loved by a
+      noble young woman. Nothing pleased a <i>blase</i> Roman so well as to have
+      a young and beautiful girl, with eyes like liquid night, to take the job
+      of reforming him. I frequently get up in the night to congratulate myself
+      that I was not born, 2,000 years ago, a Roman girl.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The historian continues to say, that though Mr. Antony continued to live a
+      life of licentious lawlessness, that occasioned talk even in Rome, he was
+      singularly successful in politics.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was very successful at funerals, also, and his off-hand obituary works
+      were sought for far and wide. His impromptu remarks at the grave of
+      Caesar, as afterward reported by Mr. Shakespeare, from memory, attracted
+      general notice and made the funeral a highly enjoyable affair. After this
+      no assassination could be regarded as a success, unless Mark Antony could
+      be secured to come and deliver his justly celebrated eulogy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      About 43, B.C., Antony, Octavius and Lepidus formed a co-partnership under
+      the firm name and style of Antony, Octavius &amp; Co., for the purpose of
+      doing a general, all-round triumvirate business and dealing in Roman
+      republican pelts. The firm succeeded in making republicanism extremely
+      odious, and for years a republican hardly dared to go out after dark to
+      feed the horse, lest he be jumped on by a myrmidon and assassinated. It
+      was about this time that Cicero had a misunderstanding with Mark's
+      myrmidons and went home packed in ice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mark Antony, when the firm of Antony, Octavius &amp; Co. settled up its
+      affairs, received as his share the Asiatic provinces and Egypt. It was at
+      this time that he met Cleopatra at an Egyptian sociable and fell in love
+      with her. Falling in love with fair women and speaking pieces over
+      new-made graves seemed to be Mark's normal condition. He got into a
+      quarrel with Octavius and settled it by marrying Octavia, Octavius'
+      sister, but this was not a love match, for he at once returned to
+      Cleopatra, the author of Cleopatra's needle and other works.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This love for Cleopatra was no doubt the cause of his final overthrow, for
+      he frequently went over to see her when he should have been at home
+      killing invaders. He ceased to care about slashing around in carnage, and
+      preferred to turn Cleopatra's music for her while she knocked out
+      the teeth of her old upright piano and sang to him in a low, passionate,
+      <i>vox humana</i> tone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So, at last, the great cemetery declaimer and long distance assassin, Mark
+      Antony, was driven out of his vast dominions after a big naval defeat at
+      Actium, in September, 31 B.C., retreated to Alexandria, called for more
+      reinforcements and didn't get them. Deserted by his fleet, and
+      reduced to a hand-me-down suit of clothes and a two-year-old plug hat, he
+      wrote a poetic wail addressed to Cleopatra and sent it to the Alexandria
+      papers; then, closing the door and hanging up his pantaloons on a nail so
+      as to reduce the sag in the knees, he blew out the gas and climbed over
+      the high board fence which stands forever between the sombre present and
+      the dark blue, mysterious ultimatum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Man Overbored.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0238}.jpg" alt="{0238}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0238}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Speaking about prohibition,&rdquo; said Misery Brown one day, while
+      we sat lying on the damp of the <i>Blue Tail Fly</i>, &ldquo;I am prone to
+      allow that the more you prohibit, the more you&mdash;all at once&mdash;discover
+      that you have more or less failed to prohibit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now, you can win a man over to your way of thinking, sometimes, but
+      you mustn't do it with the butt-end of a telegraph-pole. You might
+      convert him that way, perhaps, but the mental shock and phrenological
+      concussion of the argument might be disastrous to the convert himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A man once said to me that rum was the devil's drink, that
+      Satan's home was filled with the odor of hot rum, that perdition was
+      soaked with spiced rum and rum punch. 'You wot not,' said he,
+      'the ruin rum has rot. Why, Misery Brown,' said he, 'rum
+      is my <i>bete noir</i>.' I said I didn't care what he used it
+      for, he'd always find it very warming to the system. I told him he
+      could use it for a hot <i>bete noir</i>, or a <i>blanc mange</i>, or any
+      of those fancy drinks; I didn't care.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But the worst time I ever had grappling with the great enemy, I
+      reckon, was in the later years of the war, when I pretty near squashed the
+      rebellion. Grim-visaged war had worn me down pretty well. I played the big
+      tuba in the regimental band, and I began to sigh for peace.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We had been on the march all summer, it seemed to me. We'd
+      travel through dust ankle-deep all day that was just like ashes, and halt
+      in the red-hot sun five minutes to make coffee. We'd make our coffee
+      in five minutes, and sometimes we'd make it in the middle of the
+      road; but that's neither here nor there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We finally found out that we would make a stand in a certain town,
+      and that the Q.M. had two barrels of old and reliable whisky in store. We
+      also found out that we couldn't get any for medical purposes nor
+      anything else All we could do was to suffer on and wait till the war
+      closed. I didn't feel like postponing the thing myself, so I began
+      to investigate. The great foe of humanity was stored in a tobacco-house,
+      and the Q.M. slept three nights between the barrels. The chances for a
+      debauch looked peaked and slim in the extreme. However, there was a
+      basement below, and I got in there one night with a half-inch auger, and
+      two wash-tubs. Later on there was a sound of revelry by night. There was
+      considerable 'on with the dance, let joy be unconfined.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The next day there was a spongy appearance to the top of the head,
+      which seemed to be confined to our regiment, as a result of the sudden
+      giving way, as it were, of prohibitory restrictions. It was a very
+      disagreeable day, I remember. All nature seemed clothed in gloom, and R.E.
+      Morse, P.D.Q., seemed to be in charge of the proceedings. Redeyed Regret
+      was everywhere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We then proceeded to yearn for the other barrel of woe, that we
+      might pile up some more regret, and have enough misery to last us through
+      the balance of the campaign. We acted on this suggestion, and, with a firm
+      resolve and the same half-inch auger, we stole once more into the basement
+      of the tobacco-house.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I bored nineteen consecutive holes in the atmosphere, and then an
+      intimate friend of mine bored twenty-seven distinct holes in the floor,
+      only to bore through the bosom of the night. Eleven of us spent the most
+      of the night boring into the floor, and at three o'clock A.M. it
+      looked like a hammock, it was so full of holes. The quartermaster slept on
+      through it all. He slept in a very audible tone of voice, and every now
+      and then we could hear him slumbering on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;At last we decided that he was sleeping middling close to that
+      barrel, so we began to bore closer to the snore. It was my turn to bore, I
+      remember, and I took the auger with a heavy heart. I bored through the
+      floor, and for the first time bored into something besides oxygen. It was
+      the quartermaster. A wild yell echoed through the southern confederacy,
+      and I pulled out my auger. It had on the point a strawberry mark, and a
+      fragment of one of those old-fashioned woven wire gray shirts, such as
+      quartermasters used to wear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I remember that we then left the tobacco-house. In the hurry we
+      forgot two wash-tubs, a half-inch auger, and 980,361 new half-inch auger
+      holes that had never been used.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      &ldquo;Done It A-Purpose.&rdquo;
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      At Greeley a young man with a faded cardigan jacket and a look of woe got
+      on the train, and as the car was a little crowded he sat in the seat with
+      me. He had that troubled and anxious expression that a rural young man
+      wears when he first rides on the train. When the engine whistled he would
+      almost jump out of that cardigan jacket, and then he would look kind of
+      foolish, like a man who allows his impulses to get the best of him. Most
+      everyone noticed the young man and his cardigan jacket, for the latter had
+      arrived at the stage of droopiness and jaded-across-the-shoulders look
+      that the cheap knit jacket of commerce acquires after awhile, and it had
+      shrunken behind and stretched out in front so that the horizon, as you
+      stood behind the young man, seemed to be bound by the tail of this
+      garment, which started out at the pocket with good intentions and suddenly
+      decided to rise above the young man's shoulder blades.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He seemed so diffident and so frightened among strangers, that I began to
+      talk with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Do you live at Greeley?&rdquo; I inquired.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, sir,&rdquo; he said, in an embarrassed way, as most anyone
+      might in the presence of greatness. &ldquo;I live on a ranch up the
+      Pandre. I was just at Greeley to see the circus.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I thought I would play the tenderfoot and inquiring pilgrim from the
+      cultured East, so I said: &ldquo;You do not see the circus often in the
+      West, I presume, the distance is so great between towns and the cost of
+      transportation is so great?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, sir. This is the first circus I ever was to. I have never saw a
+      circus before.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How did you like it?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, tip-top. It was a good thing. I'd like to see it every day
+      if I could, I laughed and drank lemonade till I've got my cloze all
+      pinned up with pins, and I'd as soon tell you, if you wont give it
+      away, that my pants is tied on me with barbed fence wire.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Probably that's what gives you that anxious and apprehensive
+      look?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, sir. If I look kind of doubtless about something, its because
+      I'm afraid my pantaloons will fall off on the floor and I will have
+      to borrow a roller towel to wear home.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How did you like the animals?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I liked that part of the Great Moral Aggregation the best of all. I
+      have not saw such a sight before. I could stand there and watch that there
+      old scaly elephant stuff hay into his bosom with his long rubber nose for
+      hours. I'd read a good deal first and last about the elephant, the
+      king of beasts, but I had never yet saw one. Yesterday father told me
+      there hadn't been much joy into my young life, and so he gave me a
+      dollar and told me to go over to the circus and have a grand time. I tell
+      you, I just turned myself loose and gave myself up to pleasure.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: I WAS A POOR CONVERSATIONALIST.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8241}.jpg" alt="{8241} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8241}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What other animals seemed to please you?&rdquo; I asked, seeing
+      that he was getting a little freer to talk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, I saw the blue-nosed baboon from Farther India, and the
+      red-eyed sandhill crane from Maddygasker, I think it was, and the sacred
+      Jack-rabbit from Scandihoovia, and the lop-eared layme from South America.
+      Then there was the female acrobat with her hair tied up with red ribbon.
+      It's funny about them acrobat wimmen. They get big pay, but they
+      never buy cloze with their money. Now, the idea of a woman that gets $2 or
+      $3 a day, for all I know, coming out there before 2,000 total strangers,
+      wearing a pair of Indian war clubs and a red ribbon in her hair. I tell
+      you, pardner, them acrobat prima donnars are mighty stingy with their
+      money, or else they're mighty economical with their cloze.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Did you go into the side show?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, sir. I studied the oil paintings on the outside, but I didn't
+      go in, I met a handsome looking man there near the side show, though, that
+      seemed to take an interest in me. There was a lottery along with the show
+      and he wanted me to go and throw for him.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Capper, probably?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Perhaps so. Anyhow, he gave me a dollar and told me to go and throw
+      for him.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why didn't he throw for himself?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;O, he said the lottery man knew him and wouldn't let him
+      throw.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of course. Same old story. He saw you were a greeney and got you to
+      throw for him. He stood in with the game so that you drew a big prize for
+      the capper, created a big excitement, and you and the crowd sailed in and
+      lost all the money you had. I'll bet he was a man with a velvet
+      coat, and a moustache dyed a dead black and waxed as sharp as a cambric
+      needle.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes; that's his description to a dot. I wonder if he really
+      did do that a-purpose.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, tell us about it. It does me good to hear a blamed fool tell
+      how he lost his money. Don't you see that your awkward ways and
+      general greenness struck the capper the first thing, and you not only
+      threw away your own money, but two or three hundred other wappy-jawed
+      pelicans saw you draw a big prize and thought it was yours, then they
+      deposited what little they had and everything was lovely.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I'll tell you how it was, if it'll do any good
+      and save other young men in the future. You see this capper, as you call
+      him, gave me a $1 bill to throw for him, and I put it into my vest pocket
+      so, along with the dollar bill father gave me. I always carry my money in
+      my right hand vest pocket. Well, I sailed up to the game, big as old Jumbo
+      himself, and put a dollar into the game. As you say, I drawed a big prize,
+      $20 and a silver cup. The man offered me $5 for the cup and I took it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then it flashed over my mind that I might have got my dollar and
+      the other feller's mixed, so I says to the proprietor, 'I will
+      now invest a dollar for a gent who asked me to draw for him.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Thereupon I took out the other dollar, and I'll be eternally
+      chastised if I didn't draw a brass locket worth about two bits a
+      bushel.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I didn't say anything for a long time. Then I asked him how the
+      capper acted when he got his brass locket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, he seemed pained and grieved about something, and he asked me
+      if I hadn't time to go away into a quiet place where we could talk
+      it over by ourselves; but he had a kind of a cruel, insincere look in his
+      eye, and I said no, I believed I didn't care to, and that I was a
+      poor conversationalist, anyhow; and so I came away, and left him looking
+      at his brass locket and kicking holes in the ground and using profane
+      language.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Afterward I saw him talking to the proprietor of the lottery, and I
+      feel, somehow, that they had lost confidence in me. I heard them speak of
+      me in a jeering tone of voice, and one said as I passed by: 'There
+      goes the meek-eyed rural convict now,' and he used a horrid oath at
+      the same time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If it hadn't been for that one little quincidence, there
+      would have been nothing to mar the enjoyment of the occasion.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Picnic Incidents.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Camping out in summer for several weeks is a good thing generally. Freedom
+      from social restraint and suspenders is a great luxury for a time, and
+      nothing purifies the blood quicker, or makes a side of bacon taste more
+      like snipe on toast, than the crisp ozone that floats through the hills
+      and forests where man can monkey o'er the green grass without
+      violating a city ordinance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The picnic is an aggravation. It has just enough of civilization to be a
+      nuisance, and not enough barbarism to make life seem a luxury. If our aim
+      be to lean up against a tree all day in a short seersucker coat and ditto
+      pantaloons that segregated while we were festooning the hammock, the
+      picnic is the thing. If we desire to go home at night with a jelly
+      symphony on each knee and a thousand-legged worm in each ear, we may look
+      upon the picnic as a success.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But to those who wish to forget the past and live only in the booming
+      present, to get careless of gain and breathe brand-new air that has never
+      been used, to appease an irritated liver, or straighten out a torpid lung,
+      let me say, pick out a high, dry clime, where there are trout enough to
+      give you an excuse for going there, take what is absolutely necessary and
+      no more, and then stay there long enough to have some fun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If we picnic, we wear ourselves out trying to have a good time, so that we
+      can tell about it when we get back, but we do not actually get acquainted
+      with each other before we have to quit and return.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To camp, is to change the whole programme of life, and to stop long enough
+      in the never-ending conflict for dollars and distinction, to get a full
+      breath and look over the field. Still, it is not always smooth sailing. To
+      camp, is sometimes to show the material of which we are made. The dude at
+      home is the dude in camp, and wherever he goes he demonstrates that he was
+      made for naught. I do not know what a camping party would do with a dude
+      unless they used him to bait a bear trap with, and even then it would be
+      taking a mean advantage of the bear. The bear certainly has some rights
+      which we are bound in all decency to respect.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      James Milton Sherrod said he had a peculiar experience once while he was
+      in camp on the Poudre in Colorado.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We went over from Larmy,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;in July, eight
+      years ago&mdash;four of us. There was me and Charcoal Brown, and old Joe
+      and young Joe Connoy. We had just got comfortably down on the Lower Fork,
+      out of the reach of everybody and sixty miles from a doctor, when Charcoal
+      Brown got sick. Wa'al we had a big time of it. You can imagine
+      yourself somethin' about it. Long in the night Brown began to groan
+      and whoop and holler, and I made a diagnosis of him. He didn't have
+      much sand anyhow. He was tryin' to git a pension from the government
+      on the grounds of desertion and failure to provide, and some such a blame
+      thing or another, so I didn't feel much sympathy fur him. But when I
+      lit the gas and examined him, I found that he had a large fever on hand,
+      and there we was without a doggon thing in the house but a jug of emigrant
+      whiskey and a paper of condition powders fur the mule. I was a good deal
+      rattled at first to know what the dickens to do fur him. The whiskey
+      wouldn't do him any good, and, besides, if he was goin' to
+      have a long spell of sickness we needed it for the watchers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MAKING USE OF A DUDE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8245}.jpg" alt="{8245} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8245}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Wa'al, it was rough. I'd think of a thousand things
+      that was good fur fevers, and then I'd remember that we hadn't
+      got 'em. Finally old Joe says to me, 'James, why don't
+      ye soak his feet?' says he. 'Soak nuthin',' says
+      I; 'what would ye soak 'em in?' We had a long-handle
+      frying-pan, and we could heat water in it, of course, but it was too
+      shaller to do any good, anyhow; so we abandoned that synopsis right off.
+      First I thought I'd try the condition powders in him, but I hated to
+      go into a case and prescribe so recklessly. Finally I thought of a case of
+      rheumatiz that I had up in Bitter Creek years ago, and how the boys filled
+      their socks full of hot ashes and put 'em all over me till it
+      started the persbyterian all over me and I got over it. So we begun to
+      skirmish around the tent for socks, and I hope I may be tee-totally skun
+      if there was a blame sock in the whole syndicate. Ez fur me, I never wore
+      'em, but I did think young Joe would be fixed. He wasn't
+      though. Said he didn't want to be considered proud and high strung,
+      so he left his socks at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: CHARCOAL BROWN'S REPROACHES.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0246}.jpg" alt="{0246}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0246}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then we begun to look around and finally decided that Brown would
+      die pretty soon if we didn't break up the fever, so we concluded to
+      take all the ashes under the camp-fire, fill up his cloze, which was
+      loose, tie his sleeves at the wrists, and his pants at the ankles, give
+      him a dash of condition powders and a little whiskey to take the taste out
+      of his mouth, and then see what ejosted nature would do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So we stood Brown up agin a tree and poured hot ashes down his back
+      till he begun to fit his cloze pretty quick, and then we laid him down in
+      the tent and covered him up with everything we had in our humble cot.
+      Everything worked well till he begun to perspirate, and then there was
+      music, and don't you forget it. That kind of soaked the ashes, don't
+      you see, and made a lye that would take the peelin' off a telegraph
+      pole.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Charcoal Brown jest simply riz up and uttered a shrill whoop that
+      jarred the geology of Colorado, and made my blood run cold. The goose
+      flesh riz on old Joe Connoy till you could hang your hat on him anywhere.
+      It was awful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Brown stood up on his feet, and threw things, and cussed us till we
+      felt ashamed of ourselves. I've seen sickness a good deal in my
+      time, but&mdash;I give it to you straight&mdash;I never seen an invalid
+      stand up in the loneliness of the night, far from home and friends, with
+      the concentrated lye oozin' out of the cracks of his boots, and
+      reproach people the way Charcoal Brown did us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He got over it, of course, before Christmas, but he was a different
+      man after that. I've been out campin' with him a good many
+      times sence, but he never complained of feelin' indisposed. He
+      seemed to be timid about tellin' us even if he was under the
+      weather, and old Joe Connoy said mebbe Brown was afraid we would prescribe
+      fur him or sumthin'.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Nero.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9248}.jpg" alt="{9248}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9248}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Nero, who was a Roman Emperor from 54 to 68 A.D., was said to have been
+      one of the most disagreeable monarchs to meet that Rome ever had. He was a
+      nephew of Culigula, the Emperor, on his mother's side, and a son of
+      Dominitius Ahenobarbust, of St. Lawrence county. The above was really Nero's
+      name, but in the year 50, A.D., his mother married Claudius and her son
+      adopted the name of Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus. This name he
+      was in the habit of wearing during the cold weather, buttoned up in front.
+      During the hot weather, Nero was all the name he wore. In 53, Nero married
+      Octavia, daughter of Claudius, and went right to housekeeping. Nero and
+      Octavia did not get along first-rate. Nero soon wearied of his young wife
+      and finally transferred her to the New Jerusalem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In 54, Nero's mother, by concealing the rightful heir to the throne
+      for several weeks and doctoring the returns, succeeded in getting the
+      steady job of Emperor for Nero at a good salary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His reign was quite stormy and several long, bloody wars were carried on
+      during that period. He was a good vicarious fighter and could successfully
+      hold a man's coat all day, while the man went to the front to get
+      killed. He loved to go out riding over the battle fields, as soon as it
+      was safe, in his gorgeously bedizened band chariot and he didn't
+      care if the wheels rolled in gore up to the hub, providing it was some
+      other man's gore. It gave him great pleasure to drive about over the
+      field of carnage and gloat over the dead. Nero was not a great success as
+      an Emperor, but as a gloater he has no rival in history.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nero's reign was characterized, also, by the great conflagration and
+      Roman fireworks of July, 64, by which two-thirds of the city of Rome was
+      destroyed. The emperor was charged with starting this fire in order to get
+      the insurance on a stock of dry goods on Main street.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Instead of taking off his crown, hanging it up in the hall and helping to
+      put out the fire, as other Emperors have done time and again, Nero took
+      his violin up stairs and played, &ldquo;I'll Meet You When the Sun
+      Goes Down.&rdquo; This occasioned a great deal of adverse criticism on the
+      part of those who opposed the administration. Several persons openly
+      criticised Nero's policy and then died.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A man in those days, would put on his overcoat in the morning and tell his
+      wife not to keep dinner waiting. &ldquo;I am going down town to criticise
+      the Emperor a few moments,&rdquo; he would say. &ldquo;If I do not get
+      home in time for dinner, meet me on the 'evergreen shore.'&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nero, after the death of Octavia, married Poppaea Sabina. She died
+      afterward at her husband's earnest solicitation. Nero did not care
+      so much about being a bridegroom, but the excitement of being a widower
+      always gratified and pleased him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was a very zealous monarch and kept Rome pretty well stirred up during
+      his reign. If a man failed to show up anywhere on time, his friends would
+      look sadly at each other and say, &ldquo;Alas, he has criticised Nero.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A man could wrestle with the yellow fever, or the small-pox, or the
+      Asiatic cholera and stand a chance for recovery, but when he spoke
+      sarcastically of Nero, it was good-bye John.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Nero decided that a man was an offensive partisan, that man would
+      generally put up the following notice on his office door:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gone to see the Emperor in relation to charge of offensive
+      partisanship. Meet me at the cemetery at 2 o'clock.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally, Nero overdid this thing and ran it into the ground. He did not
+      want to be disliked and so, those who disliked him were killed. This made
+      people timid and muzzled the press a good deal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Roman papers in those days were all on one side. They did not dare to
+      be fearless and outspoken, for fear that Nero would take out his ad. So
+      they would confine themselves to the statement that: &ldquo;The genial and
+      urbane Afranius Burrhus had painted his new and <i>recherche</i> picket
+      fence last week,&rdquo; or &ldquo;Our enterprising fellow townsman, Caesar
+      Kersikes, will remove the tail of his favorite bulldog next week, if the
+      weather should be auspicious,&rdquo; or &ldquo;Miss Agrippina Bangoline,
+      eldest daughter of Romulus Bangoline, the great Roman rinkist, will teach
+      the school at Eupatorium, Trifoliatum Holler, this summer. She is a highly
+      accomplished young lady, and a good speller.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nero got more and more fatal as he grew older, and finally the Romans
+      began to wonder whether he would not wipe out the Empire before he died.
+      His back yard was full all the time of people who had dropped in to be
+      killed, so that they could have it off their minds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally, Nero himself yielded to the great strain that had been placed
+      upon him and, in the midst of an insurrection in Gaul, Spain and Rome
+      itself, he fled and killed himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Romans were very grateful for Nero's great crowning act in the
+      killing line, but they were dissatisfied because he delayed it so long,
+      and therefore they refused to erect a tall monument over his remains.
+      While they admired the royal suicide and regarded it as a success, they
+      censured Nero's negligence and poor judgment in suiciding at the
+      wrong end of his reign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have often wondered what Nero would have done if he had been Emperor of
+      the United States for a few weeks and felt as sensitive to newspaper
+      criticism as he seems to have been. Wouldn't it be a picnic to see
+      Nero cross the Jersey ferry to kill off a few journalists who had
+      adversely criticised his course? The great violin virtuoso and light
+      weight Roman tyrant would probably go home by return mail, wrapped in
+      tinfoil, accompanied by a note of regret from each journalist in New York,
+      closing with the remark, that &ldquo;in the midst of life we are in death,
+      therefore now is the time to subscribe.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Squaw Jim.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jim, you long-haired, backslidden Caucasian nomad, why don't
+      you say something? Brace up and tell us your experience. Were you
+      kidnapped when you were a kid and run off into the wild wickyup of the
+      forest, or how was it that you came to leave the Yankee reservation and
+      eat the raw dog of the Sioux?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We were all sitting around the roaring fat-pine fire at the foot of the
+      canon, and above us the full moon was filling the bottom of the black
+      notch in the mountains, where God began to engrave the gulch that grew
+      wider and deeper till it reached the valley where we were.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Squaw Jim was tall, silent and grave. He was as dignified as the king of
+      clubs, and as reticent as the private cemetery of a deaf and dumb asylum.
+      He didn't move when Dutch Joe spoke to him, but he noticed the
+      remark, and after awhile got up in the firelight, and later on the silent
+      savage made the longest speech of his life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;BOYS, YOU CALL ME SQUAW JIM."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9251}.jpg" alt="{9251}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9251}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Boys, you call me Squaw Jim, and you call my girl a half breed. I
+      have no other name than Squaw Jim with the pale faced dude and the
+      dyspeptic sky pilot who tells me of his God. You call me Squaw Jim because
+      I've married a squaw and insist on living with her. If I had married
+      Mist-of-the-Waterfall, and had lived in my tepee with her summers, and
+      wintered at St. Louis with a wife who belonged to a tall peaked church,
+      and who wore her war paint, and her false scalp-lock, and her false heart
+      into God's wigwam, I'd be all right, probably. They would have
+      laughed about it a little among the boys, but it would have been &ldquo;wayno&rdquo;
+      in the big stone lodges at the white man's city.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I loved a pale faced girl in Connecticut forty years ago. She said
+      she did me, but she met with a change of heart and married a bare-back
+      rider in a circus. Then she ran away with the sword swallower of the side
+      show, and finally broke her neck trying to walk the tight rope. The jury
+      said if the rope had been as tight as she was it might have saved her
+      life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Since then I've been where the sun and the air and the soil
+      were free. It kind of soothed me to wear moccasins and throw my biled
+      shirt into the Missouri. It took the fever of jealousy and disappointment
+      out of my soul to sleep in the great bosom of the unhoused night. Soon I
+      learned how to parley-vous in the Indian language, and to wear the clothes
+      of the red man. I married the squaw girl who saved me from the mountain
+      fever and my foes. She did not yearn for the equestrian of the white man's
+      circus. She didn't know how to raise XxYxZ to the nth power, but she
+      was a wife worthy of the President of the United States. She was way off
+      the trail in matters of etiquette, but she didn't know what it was
+      to envy and hate the pale faced squaw with the sealskin sacque and the
+      torpid liver, and the high-priced throne of grace. She never sighed to go
+      where they are filling up Connecticut's celestial exhibit with girls
+      who get mysteriously murdered and the young men who did it go out
+      lecturing. You see I keep posted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Boys, you kind of pity me, I reckon, and say Squaw Jim might have
+      been in Congress if he'd stayed with his people and wore night
+      shirts and pared his claws, but you needn't.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My wife can't knock the tar out of a symphony on the piano,
+      but she can mop the dew off the grass with a burglar, and knock out a dude's
+      eyes at sixty yards rise.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;My wife is a little foggy on the winter style of salvation, and
+      probably you'd stall her on how to drape a silk velvet overskirt so
+      it wouldn't hang one-sided, but she has a crude idea of an every
+      day, all wool General Superintendent of the Universe and Father of
+      all-Humanity, whether they live under a horse blanket tepee or a Gothic
+      mortgage. She might look out of place before the cross, with her
+      chilblains and her childlike confidence, among the Tom cat sealskin
+      sacques of your camel's hair Christianity, but if the world was
+      supplied with Christians like my wife, purgatory would make an assignment,
+      and the Salvation Army would go home and hoe corn. Sabe?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Squaw Jim's Religion.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Referring to religious matters, the other day, Squaw Jim said: &ldquo;I
+      was up at the Post yesterday to kind of rub up against royalty, and
+      refresh my memory with a few papers. I ain't a regular subscriber to
+      any paper, for I can't always get my mail on time. We're
+      liable to be here, there and everywhere, mebbe at some celebrated Sioux
+      watering place and mebbe on the warpath, so I can't rely on the
+      mails much, but I manage, generally, to get hold of a few old papers and
+      magazines now and then. I don't always know who's president
+      before breakfast the day after election, but I manage to skirmish around
+      and find out before his term expires.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now, speaking about the religion of the day, or, rather, the place
+      where it used to be, it seems to me as if there's a mistake
+      somewhere. It looks as if religion meant greenness, and infidelity meant
+      science and smartness, according to the papers. I'm no scientist
+      myself. I don't know evolution from the side of a house. As an
+      evolver I couldn't earn my board, probably, and I wouldn't
+      know a protoplasm from a side of sole leather; but I know when I get to
+      the end of my picket rope, and I know just as sure where the knowable
+      quits and the unknowable begins as anybody. I mean I can crawl into a
+      prairie dog hole, and pull the hole in and put it in my pocket, in my
+      poor, weak way, just as well as a scientist can. If a man offered to trade
+      me a spavined megatherium for a foundered hypothesis, I couldn't
+      know enough about either of the blamed brutes to trade and make a profit.
+      I never run around after delightful worms and eccentric caterpillers. I
+      have so far controlled myself and escaped the habit, but I am able to
+      arrive at certain conclusions. You think that because I am the
+      brother-in-law to an Indian outbreak, I don't care whether Zion
+      languishes or not; but you are erroneous. You make a very common mistake.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mind you, I don't pretend to be up on the plan of salvation,
+      and so far as vicarious atonement goes, I don't even know who is the
+      author of it, but I've got a kind of hand-made religion that suits
+      me. It's cheap, and portable, and durable, and stands our severe
+      northern climate first rate. It ain't the protuberant kind. It don't
+      protrude into other people's way like a sore thumb. All-wool
+      religion don't go around with a chip on it's shoulder looking
+      for a personal deal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If I had time and could move my library around with me during our
+      summer tour, I might monkey with speculative science and expose the plan
+      of creation, but as it is now, I really haven't time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MOVING HIS LIBRARY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9254}.jpg" alt="{9254}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9254}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I say this, however, friends, Romans and backsliders: I think
+      sometimes when my little half-breed girl comes to me in the evening in her
+      night dress, and kneels by me with her little brown face in between my
+      knees, and with my hard hands in her unbraided hair, that she's got
+      something better than speculative science when she says:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  'Now I lay me down to sleep.
+  I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
+  If I should die before I wake,
+  I pray the Lord my soul to take:
+  This I ask for Jesus' sake;'
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;and I know that a million more little angels are saying that same
+      thing, at that same hour, to the same imaginary God, I say to myself, if
+      that is a vain, empty infatuation, blessed be that holy infatuation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If that's a wild and crazy delusion, let me be always
+      deluded. If forty millions of chubby little angels bow their dimpled knees
+      every evening to a false and foolish tradition, let me do so, too. If I
+      die, then I will be in good company, even if I go no farther than the
+      clouds of the valley.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      One Kind of Fool.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A young man, with a plated watch-chain that would do to tie up a sacred
+      elephant, came into Denver the other day from the East, on the Julesburg
+      Short line, and told the hotel clerk that he had just returned from
+      Europe, and was on his way across the continent with the intention of
+      publishing a book of international information. He handed an oilcloth grip
+      across the counter, registered in a bold, bad way and with a flourish that
+      scattered the ink all over the clerk's white shirt front.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was assigned to a quiet room on the fifth floor, that had been damaged
+      by water a few weeks before by the fire department. After an hour or two
+      spent in riding up and down the elevator and ringing for things that didn't
+      cost anything, he oiled his hair and strolled into the dining-room with a
+      severe air and sat down opposite a big cattle man, who never oiled his
+      hair or stuck his nose into other people's business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The European traveler entered into conversation with the cattle man. He
+      told him all about Paris and the continent, meanwhile polishing his hands
+      on the tablecloth and eating everything within reach. While he ate another
+      man's dessert, he chatted on gaily about Cologne and pitied the
+      cattle man who had to stay out on the bleak plains and watch the cows,
+      while others paddled around Venice and acquired information in a foreign
+      land.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first the cattle man showed some interest in Europe, but after awhile
+      he grew quiet and didn't seem to enjoy it. Later on the European
+      tourist, with soiled cuffs and auburn mane, ordered the waiters around in
+      a majestic way, to impress people with his greatness, tipped over the
+      vinegar cruet into the salt and ate a slice of boiled egg out of another
+      man's salad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Casually a tall Kansas man strolled in and asked the European tourist what
+      he was doing in Denver. The cattle man, who, by the way, has been abroad
+      five or six times and is as much at home in Paris as he is in Omaha,
+      investigated the matter, and learned that the fresh French tourist had
+      been herding hens on a chicken ranch in Kansas for six years, and had
+      never seen blue water. He then took a few personal friends to the
+      dining-room door, and they watched the alleged traveler. He had just taken
+      a long, refreshing drink from the finger bowl of his neighbor on the left
+      and was at that moment, trying to scoop up a lump of sugar with the wrong
+      end of the tongs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are a good many fools who drift around through the world and dodge
+      the authorities, but the most disastrous ass that I know is the man who
+      goes West with two dollars and forty cents in his pocket, without brains
+      enough to soil the most delicate cambric handkerchief, and tries to play
+      himself for a savant with so much knowledge that he has to shed
+      information all the time to keep his abnormal knowledge from hurting him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      John Adams' Diary.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      December 3, 1764.&mdash;I am determined to keep a diary, if possible, the
+      rest of my life. I fully realize how difficult it will be to do so. Many
+      others of my acquaintance have endeavored to maintain a diary, but have
+      only advanced so far as the second week in January. It is my purpose to
+      write down each evening the events of the day as they occur to my mind, in
+      order that in a few years they may be read and enjoyed by my family. I
+      shall try to deal truthfully with all matters that I may refer to in these
+      pages, whether they be of national or personal interest, and I shall seek
+      to avoid anything bitter or vituperative, trying rather to cool my temper
+      before I shall submit my thoughts to paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;WHERE'S THE PIE?"}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8257}.jpg" alt="{8257} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8257}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      December 4.&mdash;This morning we have had trouble with the hired girl. It
+      occurred in this wise: We had fully two-thirds of a pumpkin pie that had
+      been baked in a square tin. This major portion of the pie was left over
+      from our dinner yesterday, and last night, before retiring to rest, I
+      desired my wife to suggest something in the cold pie line, which she did.
+      I lit a candle and explored the pantry in vain. The pie was no longer
+      visible. I told Mrs. Adams that I had not been successful, whereupon we
+      sought out the hired girl, whose name is Tootie Tooterson, a foreign
+      damsel, who landed in this country Nov. 7, this present year. She does not
+      understand our language, apparently, especially when we refer to pie. The
+      only thing she does without a strong foreign accent is to eat pumpkin pie
+      and draw her salary. She landed on our coast six weeks ago, after a
+      tedious voyage across the heaving billows. It was a close fight between
+      Tootie and the ocean, but when they quit, the heaving billows were one
+      heave ahead by the log.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Miss Tooterson landed in Massachusetts in a woolen dress and hollow clear
+      down into the ground. A strong desire to acquire knowledge and cold,
+      hand-made American pie seems to pervade her entire being.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She has only allowed Mrs. Adams and myself to eat what she did not want
+      herself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Miss Tooterson has also introduced into my household various European
+      eccentricities and strokes of economy which deserve a brief notice here.
+      Among other things she has made pie crust with castor oil in it, and
+      lubricated the pancake griddle with a pork rind that I had used on my lame
+      neck. She is thrifty and saving in this way, but rashly extravagant in the
+      use of doughnuts, pie and Medford rum, which we keep in the house for
+      visitors who are so unfortunate as to be addicted to the doughnut, pie or
+      rum habit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is discouraging, indeed, for two young people like Mrs. Adams and
+      myself, who have just begun to keep house, to inherit a famine, and such a
+      robust famine, too. It is true that I should not have set my heart upon
+      such a transitory and evanescent terrestrial object like a pumpkin pie so
+      near to T. Tooterson, imported pie soloist, doughnut mastro and feminine
+      virtuoso, but I did, and so I returned from the pantry desolate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A PIE SOLOIST.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9258}.jpg" alt="{9258}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9258}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I told Abigail that unless we poisoned a few pies for Tootie the Adams
+      family would be a short-lived race. I could see with my prophetic eye that
+      unless the Tootersons yielded the Adamses would be wiped out. Abigail
+      would not consent to this, but decided to relieve Miss Tooterson from duty
+      in this department, so this morning she went away. Not being at all
+      familiar with the English language, she took four of Abigail's
+      sheets and quite a number of towels, handkerchiefs and collars. She also
+      erroneously took a pair of my night-shirts in her poor, broken way. Being
+      entirely ignorant of American customs, I presume that she will put a belt
+      around them and wear them externally to church. I trust that she will not
+      do this, however, without mature deliberation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: IGNORANT OF AMERICAN CUSTOMS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0259}.jpg" alt="{0259}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0259}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I also had a bottle of lung medicine of a very powerful nature which the
+      doctor had prepared for me. By some oversight, Miss Tooterson drank this
+      the first day that she was in our service. This was entirely wrong, as I
+      did not intend to use it for the foreign trade, but mostly for home
+      consumption.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is a little piece of drollery that I thought of myself. I do not
+      think that a joke impairs the usefulness of a diary, as some do. A diary
+      with a joke in it is just as good to fork over to posterity as one that is
+      not thus disfigured. In fact, what has posterity ever done for me that I
+      should hesitate about socking a little humor into a diary? When has
+      posterity ever gone out of its way to do me a favor? Never! I defy the
+      historian to show a single instance where posterity has ever been the
+      first to recognize and remunerate ability.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      John Adams' Diary.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      (No. 2.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      December 6.&mdash;It is with great difficulty that I write this entry in
+      my diary, for this morning Abigail thought best for me to carry the
+      oleander down into the cellar, as the nights have been growing colder of
+      late.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know which I dislike most, foreign usurpation or the oleander. I
+      have carried that plant up and down stairs every time the weather has
+      changed, and the fickle elements of New England have kept me rising and
+      falling with the thermometer, and whenever I raised or fell I most always
+      had that scrawny oleander in my arms.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Richly has it repaid us, however, with its long, green, limber branches
+      and its little yellow nubs on the end. How full of promises to the eye
+      that are broken to the heart. The oleander is always just about to meet
+      its engagements, but later on it peters out and fails to materialize.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know what we would do if it were not for our house plants. Every
+      fall I shall carry them cheerfully down cellar, and in the spring I will
+      bring up the pots for Mrs. Adams to weep softly into. Many a night at the
+      special instance and request of my wife I have risen, clothed in one
+      simple, clinging garment, to go and see if the speckled, double and
+      twisted Rise-up-William-Riley geranium was feeling all right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Last summer Abigail brought home a slip of English ivy. I do not like
+      things that are English very much, but I tolerated this little sickly
+      thing because it seemed to please Abigail. I asked her what were the
+      salient features of the English ivy. What did the English ivy do? What
+      might be its specialty? Mrs. Adams said that it made a specialty of
+      climbing. It was a climber from away back. &ldquo;All right,&rdquo; I then
+      to her did straightway say, &ldquo;let her climb.&rdquo; It was a good
+      early climber. It climbed higher than Jack's beanstalk. It climbed
+      the golden stair. Most of our plants are actively engaged in descending
+      the cellar stairs or in ascending the golden stair most all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I descended the stairs with the oleander this morning, though the oleander
+      got there a little more previously than I did. Parties desiring a good,
+      secondhand oleander tub, with castors on it, will do well to give us a
+      call before going elsewhere. Purchasers desiring a good set of second-hand
+      ear muffs for tulips will find something to their advantage by addressing
+      the subscriber.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We also have two very highly ornamental green dogoods for ivy vines to
+      ramble over. We could be induced to sell these dogoods at a sacrifice, in
+      order to make room for our large stock of new and attractive dogoods.
+      These articles are as good as ever. We bought them during the panic last
+      fall for our vines to climb over, but, as our vines died of membranous
+      croup in November, these dogoods still remain unclum. Second-hand dirt
+      always on hand. Ornamental geranium stumps at bed-rock prices. Highest
+      cash prices paid for slips of black-and-tan foliage plants. We are
+      headquarters for the century plant that draws a salary for ninety-nine
+      years and then dies.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not feel much like writing in my diary to-day, but the physician says
+      that my arm will be better in a day or two, so that it will be more of a
+      pleasure to do business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We are still without a servant girl, so I do some of the cooking. I make a
+      fire each day and boil the teakettle. People who have tried my boiled
+      teakettle say it is very fine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of my friends have asked me to run for the Legislature here next
+      election. Somehow I feel that I might, in public life, rise to distinction
+      some day, and perhaps at some future time figure prominently in the
+      affairs of a one-horse republic at a good salary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have never done anything in the statesman line, but it does not look
+      difficult to me. It occurs to me that success in public life is the result
+      of a union of several great primary elements, to-wit:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Firstly&mdash;Ability to whoop in a felicitous manner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Secondly&mdash;Promptness in improving the proper moment in which to
+      whoop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Thirdly&mdash;Ready and correct decision in the matter of which side to
+      whoop on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fourthly&mdash;Ability to cork up the whoop at the proper moment and keep
+      it in a cool place till needed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And this last is one of the most important of all. It is the amateur
+      statesman who talks the most. Fearing that he will conceal his identity as
+      a fool, he babbles in conversation and slashes around in his shallow banks
+      in public.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As soon as I get the house plants down cellar and get their overshoes on
+      for the winter, I will more seriously consider the question of our
+      political affairs here in this new land where we have to tie our scalps on
+      at night and where every summer is an Indian summer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      John Adams' Diary
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      (No. 3.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      December 10.&mdash;I have put in a long and exhausting day in the court
+      to-day in the case of Merkins vs. Merkins, a suit for divorce in which I
+      am the counsel for the plaintiff, Eliza J. Merkins.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The case itself is a peculiarly trying one, and the plaintiff adds to its
+      horrors by consulting me when I want to do something else. I took her case
+      at an agreed price, and so Mrs. Merkins is trying to get her money's
+      worth by consulting me in a way I abhor. She has consulted me in every
+      mood and tense that I know of; at my office, on the street, in church, at
+      the festive board and at different funerals to which we both happened to
+      be called. Mrs. Merkins has hung like a pall over several Massachusetts
+      funerals which otherwise had every symptom of success.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am a great admirer of woman as a woman, but as a client in a suit for
+      divorce she has her peculiarities. I have seen Eliza in every phase of the
+      case. She has been calm and tearful, stormy and snorting, low-spirited and
+      red-nosed, violent and menacing, resigned but sobby, trustful and
+      confidential, high strung and haughty, crushed and weepy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She makes a specialty of shedding the red-hot scalding tear wherever she
+      can obtain permission to do so. She has wept in my wood-box, in my new
+      spittoon, on my desk and on my birthday. I told her that I wished she
+      would please weep on something else. There were enough objects in nature
+      upon which a poor woman who wept constantly and had no other visible means
+      of support could shed the wild torrents of her grief, without weeping on
+      my anniversary. A man wants to keep his birthday as dry as possible. He
+      hates to have it wept on by a client who has jewed him down to half price,
+      and then insisted on coming in to sob with him in the morning before he
+      has swept the office floor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One time she came and sobbed on my shoulder. Her tears are of the warm,
+      damp kind, and feel disagreeable as they roll down the neck of a
+      comparative stranger, who never can be aught but a friend. She rested her
+      bonnet on my bosom while she wept, and I then discovered that she has been
+      in the habit of wearing this bonnet while cooking her buckwheat pancakes.
+      I presume she keeps her bonnet on all the time, so that she may be ready
+      to dash out and consult me at all times without delay. Still, she ought
+      not to do it, for when she leans her head on the bosom of her counsel in
+      order to consult him, he detects the odor of the early sausage and the
+      fleeting pancake.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  You may bust such a bonnet and crush it if you will,
+  But the scent of the pancake will cling round it still.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      As soon as I saw that her object was to lean up against me and not only
+      convulse herself with sobs, but that she intended to jar me also with her
+      great woe, I told her that I would have to request her to avaunt. I then,
+      as she did not act upon my suggestion, avaunted her myself. I avaunted her
+      into a chair with a sickening thud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A TENDER CASE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8263}.jpg" alt="{8263} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8263}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      She then burst forth in a torrent of vituperation. When the abnormal
+      sobber is suddenly corked up, these sobs rankle in the system and burst
+      forth in the shape of vituperation. In the course of her remarks, she
+      stated in a violent manner that she would denounce me throughout the
+      country and retain other counsel. I told her I wished she would, as my
+      sympathies were with Mr. Merkins. I told her that she must either pay me a
+      larger fee or I should insist on her weeping in the alley before she came
+      up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She then took her departure with a rising inflection. On the following
+      day, however, I found her at the office door, and she stood near and
+      consulted me again, while I took up the ashes and started a fire in the
+      stove.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Her case is quite peculiar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She wants a divorce from her husband on the grounds of cruelty to animals,
+      or something of that kind, and when she first told me about it I thought
+      she had a case, but when we came to trial I found that she had had every
+      reason to believe that if she could be segregated from Mr. Merkins she
+      could at once become the bride of a gentleman who ploughed the raging
+      main.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just as we went to the jury to-day with the case, she heard casually that
+      the gentleman who had been in the main-ploughing business had just married
+      without her knowledge or consent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0097" id="link2H_4_0097"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      &ldquo;Heap Brain.&rdquo;
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Much trouble has been done by a long haired phrenologist in the West who
+      has, during his life, felt of over a hundred thousand heads. A comparison
+      of a large number of charts given in these cases shows that so far no head
+      examined would indicate anything less than a member of the lower house of
+      congress. Artists, orators, prima-donnas and statesmen are plenty, but
+      there are no charts showing the natural-born farmer, carpenter, shoemaker
+      or chambermaid.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason butter is so high west of the Missouri river to-day,
+      while genius actually runs riot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What this day and age of the world needs, is a phrenologist who will paw
+      around among the intellectual domes of free-born American citizens, and
+      search out a few men who can milk a cow in a cool and unimpassioned tone
+      of voice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is true that every man in America is a sovereign, but he had better not
+      overdo it. The man who sits up nights to be a sovereign and allows the
+      calves to eat his brown-eyed beans, is not leading his fellow men up to a
+      higher and nobler life. The sovereign business can be run in the ground if
+      we are not careful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A FUTURE PRESIDENT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9264}.jpg" alt="{9264}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9264}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Very likely the white-eyed boy with the hickory dado along the base of his
+      overalls is the boy who in future years is to be the president of the
+      United States. But do not, oh, do not trow, fair young reader, that every
+      Albino youth in our broad land who wears an isosceles triangle in navy
+      blue flannel athwart his system, is going to be the chief magistrate of
+      this mighty republic.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We need statesmen and orators and artists very much; but the world at this
+      moment also needs several athletic parties with the horse-sense adequate
+      to produce flour and other vegetables necessary to feed the aforesaid
+      statesmen, orators, etc., etc.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let me say a word to the bright-eyed youth of America, Let me murmur in
+      your ear this never dying truth: When a long-haired crank asks you a
+      dollar to tell you, you are a young Demosthenes, stand up and look
+      yourself over at a distance before you swallow it all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is no use talking, we have got to procure provisions in some manner,
+      and in order to do so the natural-born bone and muscle of the country must
+      go at and promote the growth of such things, or else we artists, poets and
+      statesmen, will have to take off our standing collars and do it ourselves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Phrenology is a good thing, no doubt, if we can purify it. So long as it
+      does not become the slave of capital, there is nothing about phrenology
+      that is going to do harm; but when it becomes the creature of the trade
+      dollar, it looks as though the country would be filled up with wild-eyed
+      genius that hasn't had a square meal for two weeks. The time will
+      surely come when America will demand less statesmanship and more flour;
+      when less statistics and a purer, nobler and more progressive style of
+      beefsteak will demand our attention.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had hoped that phrenology would step in and start this reform; but so
+      far it has not, within the range of my observation. It may be, however,
+      that the mental giant bump translator with whom I came in contact was not
+      a fair representative. Still, he has been in the business for over thirty
+      years, and some of our most polished criminals have passed under his
+      hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An erroneous phrenologist once told me that I would shine as a revivalist,
+      and said that I ought to marry a tall blonde with a nervous, sanguinary
+      temperament. Then he said, &ldquo;One dollar, please,&rdquo; and I said,
+      &ldquo;All right, gentle scientist with the tawny mane, I will give you
+      the dollar and marry the tall blonde with the bank account and bilious
+      temperament, when you give me a chart showing me how to dispose of a
+      brown-eyed brunette with a thoughtful cast of countenance, who married me
+      in an unguarded moment two years ago.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He looked at me in a reproachful kind of way, struck at me with a chair in
+      an absent-minded manner and stole away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0098" id="link2H_4_0098"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Approaching Humorist.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following letter has been received, and, as it encloses no unsmirched
+      postage stamp to insure a private reply, I take great pleasure in
+      answering it in these pages:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Christiana, Kas., Sept. 22nd, 1884
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir.&mdash;I am studying for a Humorist. Could you help me to some of
+      the Joliest Books that are written? With some of the best Jokes of the Day
+      &amp;c &amp;c &amp;c.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Also what it would be best for me to do for to become an Humorist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am said to be a Natural Born Humorist by my friends and all I need is
+      Cultivation to make my mark.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Please reply by return mail.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Kindly Yours
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Herman A.H.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For some time I have been grieving over the dearth of humor in America,
+      and wondering who the great coming humorist was to be. Several papers have
+      already deplored the lack of humor in our land, but they have not been
+      able to put their finger on the approaching humorist of the age. Just as
+      we had begun to despair, however, here he comes, quietly and
+      unostentatiously, modestly and ungrammatically. Unheralded and silently,
+      like Maud S. or any other eminent man, he slowly rises above the Kansas
+      horizon, and tells us that it will be impossible to conceal his identity
+      any longer. He is the approaching humorist of the nineteenth century.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a serious matter, Herman, to prescribe a course of study that will
+      be exactly what you need to bring you out. Perhaps you might do well to
+      take a Kindergarten course in spelling and the rudiments of grammar;
+      still, that is not absolutely necessary. A friend of mine named Billings
+      has done well as a humorist, though his knowledge of spelling seems to be
+      pitiably deficient. Grammar is convenient where a humorist desires to put
+      on style or show off before crowned heads, but it is not absolutely
+      indispensable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regarding the &ldquo;Joliest Books&rdquo; necessary for your perusal, in
+      order to chisel your name on the eternal tablets of fame, tastes will
+      certainly differ. I am almost sorry that you wrote to me, because we might
+      not agree. You write like one of these &ldquo;Joly&rdquo; humorists such
+      as people employ to go along with a picnic and be the life of the party,
+      and whose presence throughout the country has been so depressing. If one
+      may be allowed to judge of your genius by the few autograph lines
+      forwarded, you belong to that class of brain-workers upon whom devolves
+      the solemn duty of pounding sand. If you are really a brain-worker, will
+      you kindly inform the writer whose brain you are working now, and how you
+      like it as far as you have gone?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      American humor has burst forth from all kinds of places, nearly. The
+      various professions have done their share. One has risen from a tramp
+      until he is wealthy and dyspeptic, and another was blown up on a steamboat
+      before he knew that he was a humorist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Suppose you try that, Herman. M. Quad, one of the very successful
+      humorists of the day, both in a literary and financial way, was blown up
+      by a steamboat before he bloomed forth into the full flush and power of
+      success. Try that, Herman. It is a severe test, but it is bound to be a
+      success. Even if it should be disastrous to you, it will be rich in its
+      beneficial results to those who escape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0267}.jpg" alt="{0267}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0267}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0099" id="link2H_4_0099"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      What We Eat.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      On 3d street, St. Paul, there stands a restaurant that has outside as a
+      sign, under a glass case, a rib roast, a slice of ham and a roast duck
+      that I remembered distinctly having seen there in 1860 and before the war.
+      I asked an epicure the other day if he thought it right to keep those
+      things there year after year when so many were starving throughout the
+      length and breadth of the land. He then straightway did take me up close
+      so that I could see that the food was made of plaster and painted, as
+      hereinbefore set forth and by me translated, as Walt Whitman would say.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A day or two afterward, at a rural hotel, I struck some of that same roast
+      beef and ham. I thought that the sign had been put on the table by
+      mistake, and I made bold to tell the proprietor about it, on the ground
+      that &ldquo;any neglect or impertinence on the part of servants should be
+      reported at the office.&rdquo; He received the information with great
+      rudeness and a most disagreeable air.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are two kinds of guests who live at the average hotel. One is the
+      party who gets up and walks over the whole <i>corps de hote</i>, from the
+      bald-headed proprietor to the bootblack, while the other is the meek and
+      mild-eyed man, doomed to sit at the table and bewail the flight of time
+      and the horrors of starvation while waiting for the relief party to come
+      with his food.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I belong to the latter class. Born, as I was, in a private family, and
+      early acquiring the habit of eating food that was intended to assuage
+      hunger mostly, it takes me a good while to accustom myself to the style of
+      dyspeptic microbe used simply to ornament a bill of fare. Of course it is
+      maintained by some hotel men that food solely for eating purposes is
+      becoming obsolete and <i>outre</i>, and that the stuff they put on their
+      bills of fare is just as good to pour down the back of a guest as diet
+      that is cooked for the common, low, perverted taste of people who have no
+      higher aspiration than to eat their food.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course the genial, urbane and talented reader will see at once the
+      style of hotel I am referring to. It is the hotel that apes the good hotel
+      and prints a bill of fare solely as a literary effort. That is the hotel
+      where you find the moth-eaten towel and the bed-ridden coffee. There is
+      where you get butter that runs the elevator day times and sleeps on the
+      flannel cakes at night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is there that you meet the weary and way-worn steak that bears the
+      toothprints of other guests who are now in a land where the early-rising
+      chambermaid cannot enter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I also refer to the hotel where the bellboy is simply an animated polisher
+      of banisters, and otherwise extremely useless. It is likewise the house
+      where the syrup tastes like tincture of rhubarb, and the pancakes taste
+      like a hektograph.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The traveling man will call to mind the hotel to which I refer, and he
+      will instantly name it and tell you that he has never spent the Sabbath
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I honestly believe that some hotel men lose money and custom by trying to
+      issue a large blanket-sheet bill of fare every day, when a more modest
+      list containing two or three things that a human being could eat with
+      impunity would be far more acceptable, healthy and remunerative.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some people can live on cracked wheat, bran and skimmed milk, no matter
+      where they go, and so they always seem to be perfectly happy; but, while
+      simplicity is my watchword, and while I am Old Simplicity himself, as it
+      were, I haven't been constructed with stomachs enough to
+      successfully wrestle with these things. I like a few plain dishes with
+      victuals on them, cooked by a person who has had some experience in that
+      line before. I am not so especially tied to high prices and finger-bowls,
+      for I have risen from the common people, and during the first eighteen
+      years of my life I had to dress myself. I was not always the pampered
+      child of enervating luxury that I now am, by any means. So I can subsist
+      for weeks on good, plain food, and never murmur or repine; but where the
+      mistake at some hotels seems to have been made, is in trying to issue a
+      bill of fare every day that will attract the attention of literary minds
+      and excite the curiosity of linguists instead of people who desire to
+      assuage an internal craving for grub.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I use the term grub in its broadest and most comprehensive sense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So, if I may take the liberty to do so, let me exhort the landlord who is
+      gradually accumulating indebtedness and remorse, to use a plainer, less
+      elaborate, but more edible list of refreshments. Otherwise his guests will
+      all die young.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let him discard the seamless waffle and the kiln-dried hen. Let him
+      abstain from the debris known as cottage pudding, that being its alias,
+      while the doctors recognize it as old Gastric Disturbance. Too much of our
+      hotel food tastes like the second day of January or the fifth day of July.
+      That's the whole thing in a few words, and unless the good hotels
+      are nearer together we shall have to multiply our cemetery facilities.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Poor hotels are responsible for lots of drunkards every year. The only
+      time I am tempted to soak my sorrows in rum is after I have read a
+      delusive bill of fare and eaten a broiled barn-hinge with gravy on it that
+      tasted like the broth of perdition. It is then that the demon of
+      intemperance and colic comes to me and, in siren tones, says: &ldquo;Try
+      our bourbon, with 'Polly Narius' on the side.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0100" id="link2H_4_0100"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Care of House Plants.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Stern winter is the season in which to keep the eye peeled for the fragile
+      little house plant. It is at that time that the coarse and brutal husband
+      carries the Scandinavian flower known as the Ole Ander, part way down the
+      cellar, and allows it to fall the rest of the way. I carried a large Ole
+      Andor up and down stairs for nine years, until the spring of 1880. That
+      was rather a backward spring, and a pale red cow, with one horn done up in
+      a French twist, ate the most of it as it stood on the porch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: CARRYING OUT THE OLE ANDER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8271}.jpg" alt="{8271} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8271}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      This cow was a total stranger to me. I had never done anything for her by
+      which to win her esteem. It shows how Providence works through the
+      humblest means sometimes to accomplish a great good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have tried many times to find the postoffice address of that lonely cow,
+      so I might comfort her declining years, but she seemed to have melted away
+      into the bosom of space, for I cannot find her. Anyone knowing the
+      whereabouts of a pale red cow, with one horn done up in a French twist,
+      and wearing a look of settled melancholy, will please communicate the same
+      to me, as we have another Ole Ander that will just about fit her, I think,
+      by spring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WREAKING VENGEANCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0272}.jpg" alt="{0272}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0272}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Bulbs may be wrapped in cotton and put in a cool place in the fall, and
+      fed to the domestic animals in the spring. Geraniums should put on their
+      buffalo overcoats about the middle of November in our rigid northern
+      clime, and in the spring they will have the same luxuriant foliage as the
+      tropical hat-rack. Vines may be left in the room during the winter until
+      the furnace slips a cog and then you can pull them down and feed them to
+      the family horses. In changing your plants from the living rooms or
+      elsewhere to the cellar in the fall, take great care to avoid injury to
+      the pot. I have experienced some very severe winters in my life, but I
+      have never seen the mercury so low that a flowerpot couldn't
+      struggle through and look fresh and robust in the spring. The longevity of
+      the pot is surprising when we consider how much death there is all about
+      it. I had a large brown flower-pot once that originally held the germ of a
+      calla lily. This lily emerged from the soil with the light of immortality
+      in its eye. It got up to where we began to be attached to it, and then it
+      died. Then we put a plant in its place which was given us by a friend. I
+      do not remember now what this plant was called, but I know it was sent to
+      us wrapped up in a piece of moist brown paper, and half an hour later a
+      dray drove up to the house with the name of the plant itself. In the
+      summer it required very little care, and in the winter I would cover the
+      little thing up with its name, and it would be safe till spring. One
+      evening we had a free-for-all <i>musicale</i> at my house, and a corpulent
+      friend of mine tried to climb it, and it died. (Tried to climb the plant,
+      not the <i>musicale</i>.) The plant yielded to the severe climb it. This
+      joke now makes its <i>debut</i> for the first time before the world.
+      Anyone who feels offended with this joke may wreak his vengeance on a
+      friend of mine named Sullivan, who is passionately fond of having people
+      wreak their vengeance on him. People having a large amount of unwreaked
+      vengeance on hand will do well to give him a call before purchasing
+      elsewhere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0101" id="link2H_4_0101"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Peaceable Man.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Will L. Visscher always made a specialty of being a peaceable man. He
+      would make most any sacrifice in order to secure general amnesty. I've
+      known him to go around six blocks out of his way, to avoid a stormy
+      interview with a belligerant dog. He was always very tender-hearted about
+      dogs, especially the open-faced bulldog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But he had a queer experience years ago, in St. Jo, Missouri. He had been
+      city editor of the Kansas City <i>Journal</i> for some time, but one
+      evening, while in the composing-room, the foreman told him that the place
+      for the city editor was down stairs, in his office. He therefore ordered
+      Visscher to go down there. Visscher said he would do so later on, after he
+      got fatigued with the composing-room and wanted change of scene.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The foreman thereupon jumped on Mr. Visscher with a small pica wrought
+      iron side stick. Visscher allowed that he was a peaceable man, but entered
+      into the general chaos of double-leaded editorial, and hair and brass
+      dashes, and dashes for liberty and heterogeneous &ldquo;pi,&rdquo; and
+      foot-sticks and teeth, with great zeal. He succeeded in putting a large
+      doric head on the foreman, and although he was a peaceable man, he went
+      down to the office and got his discharge for disturbing the discipline of
+      the office.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He went to St. Jo the same day, and celebrated his <i>debut</i> into the
+      town by a little game of what is known as &ldquo;draw.&rdquo; He was
+      fortunate in &ldquo;filling his hand,&rdquo; and while he was taking in
+      the stakes, a young man from Arkansas, who was in the game, nipped a
+      two-dollar note in a quiet kind of way, which, however, was detected by
+      Mr. V., who mentioned the matter at the time. This maddened the Arkansas
+      man, and later on he put one of his long arms around Mr. Visscher so as to
+      pinion him, and then smote him across the brow with an instrument, known
+      to science as &ldquo;the brass knucks.&rdquo; This irritated Mr. Visscher,
+      and as soon as he had returned to consciousness he remarked that, although
+      it was rather an up-hill job in Missouri, he was trying to be a peaceable
+      man. He then broke the leg of a card-table over the head of the Arkansas
+      man, and went to the doctor to get his own brow sewed on again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While he was sitting in the doctor's office a friend of the Arkansas
+      man came in and asked him to please stand up while he knocked him down.
+      Visscher opened a little dialogue with the man, and drew him into
+      conversation till he could open a case of surgical instruments near by,
+      then he took out one of those knives that the surgeons use in removing the
+      viscera from the leading gentleman at a post mortem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now,&rdquo; said he, sharpening the knife on the stove-pipe and
+      handing down a jar containing alcohol with a tumor in it, &ldquo;I am a
+      peaceful man and don't want any fuss; but if you insist on a
+      personal encounter, I will slice off fragments of your physiognomy at my
+      leisure, and for twenty minutes I will fill this office with your favorite
+      features. I make a specialty of being a peaceable man, remember; but if
+      you'll just say the word, I'll put overcoat button-holes and
+      eyelet-holes and crazy-quilts all over your system. If I've got to
+      kill off the poker-players of St. Jo before I can have any fun, I guess I
+      might as well begin on you as on any one I know.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE WAS A PEACEABLE MAN.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8275}.jpg" alt="{8275} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8275}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He then made a stab at the man and pinned his coat-tail to the door-frame.
+      Fear loaned the bad man strength, and, splitting the coat-tail, he fled,
+      taking little mementoes of the tumor-jar and shedding them in his flight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Mr. Visscher went up to the <i>Herald</i> office soon after to get a
+      job, he was introduced casually to the foreman, who said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Ah, this is the young man who licks the foreman of the paper he
+      works on, is it? I am glad to meet you, Mr. Visscher. I am looking for a
+      white-eyed son of a sea-cook who goes around over Missouri thumping the
+      foremen of our leading journals. Come out into the ante-room, Mr.
+      Visscher, till I jar your back teeth loose and send you to the morgue in a
+      gunny-sack.&rdquo; Mr. Visscher repeated that he was trying to live in
+      Missouri and be a peaceable man, but that if there was anything that he
+      could do to make it pleasant for the foreman, he would cheerfully do it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Visscher was a small man, but when he felt aggrieved about anything he
+      was very harassing to his adversary. They &ldquo;clinched&rdquo; and threw
+      each other back and forth across the hall with great vigor. When they
+      stopped for breath, the foreman's coat was pulled over his head and
+      the bosom of Mr. Visscher's shirt was hanging on the gas-jet. There
+      were also two front teeth on the floor unaccounted for.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Visscher pinned on his shirt-bosom and said he was a peaceable man, but if
+      the custom seemed to demand four fights in one day, he would try to
+      conform to any local usage of the city. Wherever he went, he wanted to
+      fall right into line and be one of the party.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he got well he was employed on the <i>Herald</i>, and for four years
+      edited the amnesty column of the paper successfully.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0102" id="link2H_4_0102"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Biography of Spartacus.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Spartacus, whose given name seems to have been torn off in its passage
+      down through the corridors of time, was born in Thrace and educated as a
+      shepherd. While smearing the noses of the young lambs with tar one spring,
+      in order to prevent the snuffies among them, he thought that he would
+      become a robber. It occurred to him that this calling was the only one he
+      knew of that seemed to be open to the young man without means.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had hardly got started, however, in the &ldquo;hold up&rdquo; industry,
+      when he was captured by the Romans, sold at cost and trained as a
+      gladiator, in a school at Capua. Here he succeeded in stirring up a
+      conspiracy and uniting two hundred or more of the grammar department of
+      the school in a general ruction, as it was then termed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The scheme was discovered and only seventy of the number escaped, headed
+      by Spartacus. These snatched cleavers from the butcher shops, pickets from
+      the Roman fences and various other weapons, and with them fought their way
+      to the foot hill where they met a wagon train loaded with arms and
+      supplies. They secured the necessary weapons whereby to go into a general
+      war business and established themselves in the crater of Mount Vesuvius.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spartacus was a man of wonderful carriage and great physical strength. It
+      had always been his theory that a man might as well die of old age as to
+      feed himself to a Roman menagerie. He maintained that he would rather die
+      in a general free fight, where he had a chance, than to be hauled around
+      over the arena by one leg behind a Numidian lion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So he took his little band and fought his way to Vesuvius. There they had
+      a pleasant time camping out nights and robbing the Roman's daytimes.
+      The excitement of sleeping in a crater, added a wonderful charm to their
+      lives. While others slept cold in Capua, Spartacus cuddled up to the
+      crater and kept comfortable.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For a long time the little party had it all their own way. They sniffed
+      the air of freedom and lived on Roman spring chicken on the half shell,
+      and it beat the arena business all hollow.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At last, however, an army of 3,000 men was sent against them, and
+      Spartacus awoke one morning to find himself blocked up in his crater. For
+      a time the outlook was not cheering. Spartacus thought of telegraphing the
+      war department for reinforcements, but finally decided not to do so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally, with ladders made of wild vines, the little garrison slipped out
+      through what had seemed an impassable fissure in the crater, got in the
+      rear of the army and demolished it completely. That's the kind of
+      man that Spartacus was. Fighting was his forte.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spartacus was also a good public speaker. One of his addresses to the
+      gladiators has been handed down to posterity through the medium of the
+      Fifth Reader, a work that should be in every household. In his speech he
+      states that he was not always thus. But since he is thus, he believes that
+      he has not yet been successfully outthussed by any body.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He speaks of his early life in the citron groves of Syrsilla, and how
+      quiet and reserved he had been, never daring to say &ldquo;gosh&rdquo;
+      within a mile of the house; but finally how the Romans landed on his coast
+      and killed off his family. Then he desired to be a fighter. He had killed
+      more lions than any other man in Italy. He kept a big crew of Romans busy,
+      winter and summer, catching fresh lions for him to stick. He had killed a
+      large number of men also. At one matinee for ladies and children he had
+      killed a prominent man from the north, and had done it so fluently that he
+      was encored three times. The stage manager then came forward and asked
+      that the audience would please refrain from another encore as he had run
+      out of men, but if the ladies and children would kindly attend on the
+      following Saturday he hoped to be prepared with a good programme. In fact,
+      he had just heard from his agent who wrote him that they had purchased two
+      big lions and also had a robust gladiator up a tree. He hoped that he
+      could get into town in a day or two with both attractions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spartacus finally stood at the head of an army of 100,000 men, all
+      starting out from the little band of 70 that cut loose from Capua with
+      borrowed cleavers and axhandles. This war lasted but two years, during
+      which time Spartacus made Rome howl. Spartacus had too much sense to
+      attack Rome. But at last his army was betrayed and disorganized. With
+      nothing but death or capture for him, he rode out between the two
+      contending armies, shot his war horse in order to save expenses, and on
+      foot rushed into the thickest of the fight. This was positively his last
+      appearance. He killed a large number of people, but at last he yielded to
+      the great pressure that was brought to bear upon him and died.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Probably no man not actually engaged in the practice of medicine ever
+      killed so many people as Spartacus. He did not kill them because he
+      disliked them personally, but because he thought it advisable to do so.
+      Had he lived till the present time he would have done well as a lecturer.
+      &ldquo;Ten Years in the Arena, with Illustrations,&rdquo; would draw
+      first-rate at this time among a certain class of people. The large number
+      of people still living in this country, who will lay aside their work and
+      go twenty miles to attend a funeral, no matter whose funeral it is, would,
+      no doubt, enjoy a bull fight or the cairn and refining joy that hovered
+      over the arena. Those who have paid $175,000 to see Colonel John L.
+      Sullivan disfigure a friend, would, no doubt, have made it $350,000 if the
+      victim could have been killed and dragged around over the ring by the leg.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Two thousand years have not refined us so much that we need be puffed up
+      with false pride about it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0103" id="link2H_4_0103"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Concerning Book Publishing.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Amateur&rdquo; writes me that he is about to publish a book, and
+      asks me if I will be kind enough to suggest some good, reliable publisher
+      for him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This would suggest that &ldquo;Amateur&rdquo; wishes to confer his book on
+      some deserving publisher with a view to building him up and pouring a
+      golden stream of wealth into his coffers. &ldquo;Amateur&rdquo; already,
+      in his mind's eye, sees the eager millions of readers knocking each
+      other down and trampling upon one another in the mad rush for his book. In
+      my mind, I see his eye, lighted up with hope, and, though he lives in New
+      Jersey, I fancy I can hear his quickened breath as his bosom heaves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WISHES TO CONFER HIS BOOK ON SOME DESERVING PUBLISHER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9280}.jpg" alt="{9280}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9280}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Evidently he has never published a book. There is a good deal of fun ahead
+      of him that he does not wot of. I used to think that when I got the last
+      page of my book ready for press, the front yard would be full of
+      publishers tramping down the velvet lawn and the meek-eyed pansies in
+      their crazy efforts to get hold of the manuscript, but when I had written
+      the last word of my first volume of soul-throb, and had opened the
+      casement to look out on the howling, hungry mob of publishers, with
+      checkbooks in one hand and a pillow-case full of scads in the other, I was
+      a little puzzled to notice the abrupt and pronounced manner in which they
+      were not there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All of us have to struggle before we can catch the eye of the speaker.
+      Milton didn't get one-fiftieth as much for &ldquo;Paradise Lost&rdquo;
+      as I got for my first book, and yet you will find people to-day who claim
+      that if Milton had lived he could have knocked the socks off of me with
+      one hand tied behind him. Recollect, however, that I am not here to open a
+      discussion on this matter. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion in
+      relation to authors. People cannot agree on the relative merits of
+      literature. Now, for instance, last summer I met a man over in South Park,
+      Col., who could repeat page after page of Shakespeare, and yet, when I
+      asked him if he was familiar with the poems of the &ldquo;Sweet Singer of
+      Michigan,&rdquo; he turned upon me a look of stolid vacancy, and admitted
+      that he had never heard of her in his life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0104" id="link2H_4_0104"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Calm.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The old Greeley Colony in Colorado, a genuine oasis in the desert, with
+      its huge irrigating canals of mountain water running through the mighty
+      wheat fields, glistening each autumn at the base of the range, affords a
+      good deal that is curious, not only to the mind of the gentleman from the
+      States, but even to the man who lives at Cheyenne, W.T., only a few hours'
+      journey to the north.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You could hardly pick out two cities so near each other and yet so unlike
+      as Cheyenne and Greeley. The latter is quiet, and even accused of being
+      dull, and yet everybody is steadily getting rich. It is a town of readers,
+      thinkers and mental independents. It is composed of the elements of New
+      England shrewdness and Western push, yet Greeley as compared with Cheyenne
+      would be called a typical New England town in the midst of the active,
+      fluctuating, booming West.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cheyenne is not so tame. With few natural advantages the reputation of
+      Cheyenne is that, in commercial parlance, she is &ldquo;A 1&rdquo; for
+      promptness in paying her debts and absence of failures. There is more
+      wealth there in proportion to the number of inhabitants than elsewhere in
+      the civilized world, no doubt. The people take special pleasure in
+      surprising Eastern people who visit them by a reception very often that
+      they will long remember for cordiality, hospitality, and even
+      magnificence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still I didn't start out to write up either Cheyenne or Greeley. I
+      intended to mention casually Dr. Law, of the latter place, who acted as my
+      physician for a few months and coaxed me back from the great hereafter. I
+      had been under the hands of a physician just before, who was also coroner,
+      and who, I found afterward, was trying to treat me professionally as long
+      as the lamp held out to burn, intending afterward to sit upon me
+      officially. He had treated me professionally until he was about ready to
+      summon his favorite coroner's jury. Then I got irritated and left
+      the county of his jurisdiction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Learning that Dr. Law was relying solely on the practice of medicine for a
+      livelihood, I summoned him, and after explaining the great danger that
+      stood in the way of harmonizing the practice of medicine and the official
+      work of the inquest business, I asked him if he had any business
+      connection with any undertaking establishment or <i>hic jacet</i>
+      business, and learning from him that he had none, I engaged him to solder
+      up my vertebrae and reorganize my spinal duplex.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sometimes it isn't entirely the medicine you swallow that paralyzes
+      pain so much as it is the quiet magnetism of a good story and the snap of
+      a pleasant eye. I had one physician who tried to look joyous when he came
+      into the room, but he generally asked me to run my tongue out till he
+      could see where it was tied on, then he would feel my pulse with his cold
+      finger and time it with a $6 watch, and after that he would write a new
+      prescription for horse medicine and heave a sigh, look at me as he might
+      if it had been the last time he ever expected to see me on earth, and then
+      he would sigh and go away. When he came back he generally looked shocked
+      and grieved to find me alive. This was the <i>pro tem</i> physician and <i>ex-officio</i>
+      coroner. I always felt as though I ought to apologize to him for clinging
+      to life so, when no doubt he had the jury in the hall waiting to &ldquo;view&rdquo;
+      me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dr. Law used to tell me of the early history of the Greeley Colony, and
+      how the original cranks of the community used to be in session most of the
+      time, and how they sometimes neglected to do their planting to do
+      legislating, and how they overdid the council work and neglected to
+      &ldquo;bug&rdquo; their potatoes. I remember, also, of his description of
+      how the crew, working on the original big irrigating canal, struck when it
+      was about half done, and swore that from the Poudre the ditch was going to
+      run up hill, and would, therefore, be a failure. The engineer didn't
+      know at first what was best to do with the belligerent laborers, but
+      finally he took the leader away from the rest of the crew and said,
+      &ldquo;Now, I tell you this in confidence, because of course I know
+      perfectly well that the stockholders may kick on it if they hear it, but I'm
+      building the blamed thing as level as I can and putting one end of it in
+      the Poudre and one end in the Platte. Now, if I'm building it up
+      hill the water'll run down from the Platte into the Poudre, and if
+      not it'll run from the Poudre into the Platte. Sabe?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The ditch was built, and now a deep, still river runs from the Poudre to
+      the Platte, according to advertisement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Greeley is also noted for its watchmakers. I sent my watch to the first
+      one I heard of, and he said it needed cleaning. He cleaned it. I paid him
+      $2 and took it home, when it ran two hours and then suspended. Then I took
+      it to another watchmaker who said that the first man had used machine oil
+      on its works, and had heated the wheels so as to gum the oil on the cogs.
+      He would have to eradicate the cooked oil from the watch, and it would
+      cost me $3. I paid it, and joyfully took the watch home. The next day I
+      found that it had gained time enough to pay for itself. By noon, it had
+      fatigued itself so that it was losing terribly, and by the day following
+      had folded its still hands across its pale face in the sleep that knows no
+      waking. I took it to the third and last jeweler in the town. Everyone said
+      he was a good workman, but a trifle slow. In the afternoon I went in to
+      see how he was getting along with it. He was sitting at his bench with a
+      dice cup in his eye, apparently looking into the digestive economy of the
+      watch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I looked at him some time, not wishing to disturb him and interfere with
+      his diagnosis. He did not move or say anything. Several people came in to
+      trade and get the correct time, but he paid no attention to them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I got tired and changed from one foot to the other several times. Then I
+      asked him how he got along, or something of that kind, but he never opened
+      his head. He was the most preoccupied watch savant I ever saw. No outside
+      influence could break up his chain of thought when he got after a diseased
+      watch.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I finally got around on the outside of the shop and looked in the window,
+      where I could get a good view of his face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was asleep.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0105" id="link2H_4_0105"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Story of a Struggler.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My name is Kaulbach. William J. Kaulbach is my name, and I am spending the
+      summer in Canada. I may remain here during the winter, also. My parents
+      are very poor. They had never been wealthy, and at the time of my birth
+      they were even less wealthy than they had been before. As soon as I was
+      born the poverty of my parents attracted my attention. I decided at once
+      to relieve their distress. I intended to aid them from my own pocket, but
+      found upon examination that I had no funds in my pocket; also, no pocket;
+      also, no place to put a pocket if I had brought one with me. So my parents
+      continued to be poor, and to put by a little poverty for a rainy day. I
+      was sole heir to the poverty they had acquired in all these years.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nature did not do much for me in the way of beauty, either. I was quite
+      plain when born and may still be identified by that peculiarity. Plainess
+      with me is not only a characteristic, but it is a passion. My whole being
+      is wrapped up in it. My hair is a sort of neutral brindle, such as grows
+      upon the top of a retired hair trunk, and my freckles are olive green,
+      fading into a delicate, crushed-bran color. They are very large, and
+      actually pain me at times.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My teacher tried to encourage me by telling me of other poor boys who had
+      grown up to be president of the United States, and he tried to get me to
+      consent to having my name used as a candidate; but I refrained from doing
+      so. I knew that, although I was deserving of the place, I could not endure
+      the bitterness of a campaign, and that the illustrated papers would
+      enlarge upon my personal appearance and bring out my freckles till you
+      could hang your hat on them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I grew up to be a stage robber.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I have my mask on my freckles do not show. I lectured on phrenology
+      at first to get means to prosecute my studies as a stage robber, and when
+      I had perfected myself as a burglar I went abroad to study the methods of
+      the Italian banditti. I was two years under the teaching of the old
+      masters, and acquired great fluency as a robber while there. I studied
+      from nature all the time, and some of my best work was taken from life. I
+      had an opportunity to observe all the methods of the most celebrated
+      garroting maestro and stilletto virtuoso. He was an enthusiast and
+      thoroughly devoted to his art. He had a large price on his head, also.
+      Aside from that he went bareheaded winter and summer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MAKING HIS DEBUT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9286}.jpg" alt="{9286}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9286}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally I returned to my own native land, poor, but fired with a mighty
+      ambition. I went west and proceeded at once to <i>debut</i>. I went west
+      to hold up the country. I was very successful, indeed, and have had my
+      hands in the pockets of our most eminent men.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We were isolated from society a good deal, but we met the better class of
+      people now and then in the course of our business. I did not like so much
+      night work, and sometimes we had to eat raw pork because we did not wish
+      to build a fire that would attract mosquitoes and sheriffs. So we were
+      liable more or less to trichina and insomnia, but still we were free from
+      sewer gas and poll tax. We did not get our mail with much regularity, but
+      we got a lick at some mighty fine scenery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But all this is only incidental. What I desired to say was this: Fame and
+      distinction come high, and when we have them in our grasp at last we find
+      that they bring their resultant sorrows. I worked long and hard for fame,
+      and sat up nights and rode through alkali dust for thousands of miles,
+      that I might be known as the leading robber of the age in which I lived,
+      only to find at last that my great fame was the source of my chief
+      annoyance. It made me so widely known that I felt, as Christine Nilsson
+      says, &ldquo;as though I lived in a glass case.&rdquo; Everyone wanted to
+      see me. Everyone wanted my autograph. Everyone wanted my skeleton to hang
+      up in the library.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could have traveled with a show and drawn a large salary, but I hated to
+      wear a boiler iron overcoat all through the hot weather, after having
+      lived so wild and free. But all this attention worried me so that I could
+      not sleep, and many a night I would arise from the lava bed on which I had
+      reclined, and putting on my dressing-gown and slippers, I would wander
+      about under the stars and wish that I could be an unknown boy again in my
+      far away home. But I could not. I often wished that I could die a natural
+      death, but that was out of the question.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Finally, it got so that I did not dare to take a chew of tobacco, unless I
+      did so under an assumed name. I hardly dared to let go of my six-shooter
+      long enough to wipe my nose, for fear that someone might get the drop on
+      me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason why I came to Canada. Here among so many criminals, I
+      do not attract attention, but I use a <i>nom de plume</i> all the time,
+      even here, and all these hot nights, while others take off their clothing,
+      I lie and swelter in my heavy winter <i>nom de plume</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0106" id="link2H_4_0106"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Old Subscriber.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      At this season of the year, we are forcibly struck with the earnest and
+      honest effort that is being made by the publisher of the American
+      newspaper. It is a healthy sign and a hopeful one for the future of our
+      country. It occurs to me that with the great advancement of the newspaper,
+      and the family paper, and the magazine, we do not expect leaders and
+      statesmen to think for us so much as we did fifty years ago. We do not
+      allow the newspaper to mold us so much as we did. We enjoy reading the
+      opinion of a bright, brave, and cogent editor because we know that he sits
+      where he can acquire his facts in a few hours from all quarters of the
+      globe, and speak truly to his great audience in relation to those facts,
+      but we have ceased to allow even that man to think for us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What then is to be the final outcome of all this? Is it not that the
+      average American is going to use, and is using, his thinker more than he
+      ever did before? Will not that thinker then, like the muscle of the
+      blacksmith's arm, or the mule's hind foot, grow to a wondrous
+      size as a result? Most assuredly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The day certainly is not far distant, when the American can not only
+      out-fight, out-row, out-bat, out-run, out-lie, and out-sail all other
+      nationalities; but he will also be able to out-think them. We already
+      point with pride to some of the wonderful thoughts that our leading
+      thinkists, with their thinkers, have thunk. There are native born
+      Americans now living, who have thought of things that would make the head
+      of the amateur thinker ache for a week.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All this is largely due to the free use of the newspaper as a home
+      educator. The newspaper is growing more and more ubiquitous, if I may be
+      allowed the expression. Many poor people, who, a few years ago, could not
+      afford the newspaper, now have it scolloped and put it on their pantry
+      shelves every year.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I did not start out to enlarge upon the newspaper. I would like to say
+      a word or two more, however, on that general subject. Very often we hear
+      some wise man with the responsibility of the universe on his shoulders,
+      the man who thinks he is the censor of the human race now, and that he
+      will be foreman of the grand jury on the Judgment Day&mdash;we hear this
+      kind of man say every little while:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We've got too many papers. We are loaded down with reading
+      matter. Can't read all my paper every day. Lots of days I throw my
+      paper aside before I get it all read through, and never have a chance to
+      finish it. All that is dead loss.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is, of course, a dead loss to that kind of a man. He is the kind of man
+      that expects his family to begin at one side of the cellar and eat right
+      straight across, it&mdash;cabbages, potatoes, turnips, pickles, apples,
+      pumpkins, etc., etc.,&mdash;without stopping to discriminate. There are
+      none too many papers, so far as the subscriber is concerned. Looking at it
+      from the publisher's standpoint sometimes, there are too many.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To the man who has inherited too large, wide, sinewy hands, and a brain
+      that under the microscope looks like a hepatized lung, it seems some days
+      as though the field had been over-crowded when he entered it. To the young
+      man who was designed to maul rails or sock the fence-post into the bosom
+      of the earth, and who has evaded that sphere of action and disregarded the
+      mandate to maul rails, or to take a coal-pick and toy with the bowels of
+      the earth, hoping to win an easier livelihood by feeding sour paste to
+      village cockroaches, and still poorer pabulum to his subscribers, the
+      newspaper field seems to be indeed jam full.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But not so the man who is tall enough to see into the future about nine
+      feet. He still remembers that he must live in the hearts of his
+      subscribers, and he makes their wants his own. He is not to proud to
+      listen to suggestions from the man who works. He recognizes that it is not
+      the man with the diamond-mounted stomach who has contributed most to his
+      success, but the man who never dips into society much with the exception
+      of his family, perhaps, and that ought to be good society. A man ought not
+      to feel too good to associate with his wife and children. Generally my
+      sympathies are with his wife and children, if they have to associate with
+      him very much.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But if I could ever get down to it, I would like to say a word on behalf
+      of the old subscriber. Being an old subscriber myself, I feel an interest
+      in his cause; and as he rarely rushes into print except to ask why the
+      police contrive to keep aloof from anything that might look like a fight,
+      or to inquire why the fire department will continue year after year to run
+      through the streets killing little children who never injured the
+      department in any way, just so that they will be in time to chop a hole in
+      the roof of a house that is not on fire, and pour some water down into the
+      library, then whoop through an old tin dipper a few times and go away&mdash;as
+      the old subscriber does not generally say much in print except on the
+      above subjects, I make bold to say on his behalf that as a rule, he is not
+      treated half as well as the prodigal son, who has been spending his
+      substance on a rival paper, or stealing his news outright from the old
+      subscriber.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Why should we pat the new subscriber on the back, and give him a new album
+      that will fall to pieces whenever you laugh in the same room? Why should
+      you forget the old love for the new? Do we not often impose on the old
+      subscriber by giving up the space he has paid for to flaming
+      advertisements to catch the coy and skittish gudgeon who still lurks
+      outside the fold? Do we not ofttimes offer a family Bible for a new
+      subscriber when an old subscriber may be in a lost and undone state?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do we not again and again offer to the wife of our new subscriber a
+      beautiful, plain gold ring, or a lace pin for a year's subscription
+      and $1, while the wife of our old subscriber is just in the shank of a
+      long, hard, cold winter, without a ring or a pin to her back?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We ought to remember that the old subscriber came to us with his money
+      when we most needed it. He bore with us when we were new in the business,
+      and used such provincialisms as &ldquo;We have saw&rdquo; and &ldquo;If we
+      had knew.&rdquo; He bore with us when the new column rules were so sharp
+      that they chawed the paper all up, and the office was so cold, waiting for
+      wood to come in on subscription, that the &ldquo;color&rdquo; was greasy
+      and reluctant. He took our paper and paid for it, while the new subscriber
+      was in the penitentiary for all we know. He made a mild kick sometimes
+      when he &ldquo;didn't git his paper reggler;&rdquo; but he paid on
+      the first day of January every year in advance, out of an old calfskin
+      wallet that opened out like a concertina, and had a strap that went around
+      it four times, and looked as shiny, and sweaty, and good-natured as the
+      razor-strop that might have been used by Noah.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The old subscriber never asked any rebate, or requested a prize volume of
+      poetry with a red cover, because he had paid for another year; but he
+      simply warmed his numb fingers, so that he could loosen his overalls and
+      lower one side enough to let his hand into the pocket of his best
+      pantaloons underneath, and there he always found the smooth wallet, and
+      inside of it there was always a $2 bill, that had been put there to pay
+      for the paper. Then the old subscriber would warm his hands some more, ask
+      &ldquo;How's tricks?&rdquo; but never begin to run down the paper,
+      and then he would go away to work for another year.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE RIGHT SORT OF SUBSCRIBER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8291}.jpg" alt="{8291} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8291}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I want to say that this country rests upon a great, solid foundation of
+      old, paid-up subscribers. They are the invisible, rock-ribbed
+      resting-place for the dazzling superstructure and the slim and peaked
+      spire. Whether we procure a new press or a new dress, a new contributor or
+      a new printers' towel, we must bank on the old subscriber; for the
+      new one is fickle, and when some other paper gives him a larger or a
+      redder covered book, he may desert our standard. He yearns for the
+      flesh-pots and the new scroll saws of other papers. He soon wearies of a
+      uniformly good paper, with no chance to draw a town lot or a tin mine&mdash;in
+      Montana.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Let us, therefore, brethren of the press, cling to the old subscriber as
+      he has clung to us. Let us say to him, on this approaching Christmas Eve,
+      &ldquo;Son, thou art always with me, and all that I have is thine. It was
+      meet that we should make merry, that this, thy brother, who had been a
+      subscriber for our vile contemporary many years, but is alive again, and
+      during a lucid interval has subscribed for our paper; but, after all, we
+      would not go to him if we wanted to borrow a dollar. Remember that you
+      still have our confidence, and when we want a good man to indorse our note
+      at the bank, you will find that your name in our memory is ever fresh and
+      green.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Looking this over, I am struck with the amount of stuff I have
+      successfully said, and yet there is a paucity of ideas. Some writers would
+      not use the word paucity in this place without first knowing the meaning
+      of it, but I am not that way. There are thousands of words that I now use
+      freely, but could not if I postponed it until I could learn their meaning.
+      Timidity keeps many of our authors back, I think. Many are more timid
+      about using big words than they are about using other people's
+      ideas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A friend of mine wanted to write a book, but hadn't the time to do
+      it. So he asked me if I wouldn't do it for him. He was very
+      literary, he said, but his business took up all his time, so I asked him
+      what kind of a book he wanted. He said he wanted a funny book, with
+      pictures in it and a blue cover. I saw at once that he had fine literary
+      taste and delicate discrimination, but probably did not have time to give
+      it full swing. I asked him what he thought it would be worth to write such
+      a book. &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; he said, he had always supposed that I enjoyed
+      it myself, but if I thought I ought to have pay besides, he would be
+      willing to pay the same as he did for his other writing&mdash;ten cents a
+      folio.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He is worth $50,000, because he has documentary evidence to show that a
+      man who made that amount out of deceased hogs, had the misfortune to be
+      his father and then die.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a great triumph to be born under such circumstances, and yet the
+      young man lacks the mental stamina necessary to know how to successfully
+      eat common mush and milk in such a low key that will not alarm the police.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I use this incident more as an illustration than anything else. It
+      illustrates how anything may be successfully introduced into an article of
+      this kind without having any bearing whatever upon it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I like to close a serious essay, or treatise, with some humorous incident,
+      like the clown in the circus out West last summer, who joked along through
+      the performance all the afternoon till two or three children went into
+      convulsions, and hypochondria seemed to reign rampant through the tent.
+      All at once a bright idea struck him. He climbed up on the flying trapeze,
+      fell off, and broke his neck. He was determined to make that audience
+      laugh, and he did it at last. Every one felt repaid for the trouble of
+      going to the circus.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0107" id="link2H_4_0107"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My Dog.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have owned quite a number of dogs in my life, but they are all dead now.
+      Last evening I visited my dog cemetery&mdash;just between the gloaming and
+      the shank of the evening. On the biscuit-box cover that stands at the head
+      of a little mound fringed with golden rod and pickle bottles, the idler
+      may still read these lines, etched in red chalk by a trembling hand:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      LITTLE KOSCIUSKO,&mdash;NOT DEAD,&mdash;BUT JERKED HENCE By Request.
+      S.Y.L. (See you Later.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not know why he was called Kosciusko. I do not care. I only know that
+      his little grave stands out there while the gloaming gloams and the
+      soughing winds are soughing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you ask why I am alone here and dogless in this weary world?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will tell you, anyhow. It will not take long, and it may do me good:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Kosciusko came to me one night in winter, with no baggage and
+      unidentified. When I opened the door he came in as though he had left
+      something in there by mistake and had returned for it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He stayed with us two years as a watch-dog. In a desultory way, he was a
+      good watch-dog. If he had watched other people with the same unrelenting
+      scrutiny with which he watched me, I might have felt his death more keenly
+      than I do now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The second year that little Kosciusko was with us, I shaved off a full
+      beard one day while down town, put on a clean collar and otherwise
+      disguised myself, intending to surprise my wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Kosciusko sat on the front porch when I returned. He looked at me as the
+      cashier of a bank does when a newspaper man goes in to get a suspiciously
+      large check cashed. He did not know me. I said, &ldquo;Kosciusko, have you
+      forgotten your master's voice?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He smiled sarcastically, showing his glorious wealth of mouth, but still
+      sat there as though he had stuck his tail into the door-steps and couldn't
+      get it out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I waived the formality of going in at the front door, and went around
+      to the portcullis, on the off side of the house, but Kosciusko was there
+      when I arrived. The cook, seeing a stranger lurking around the manor
+      house, encouraged Kosciusko to come and gorge himself with a part of my
+      leg, which he did. Acting on this hint I went to the barn. I do not know
+      why I went to the barn, but somehow there was nothing in the house that I
+      wanted. When a man wants to be by himself, there is no place like a good,
+      quiet barn for thought. So I went into the barn, about three feet prior to
+      Kosciusko.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE COMBAT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0294}.jpg" alt="{0294}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0294}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Noticing the stairway, I ascended it in an aimless kind of way, about four
+      steps at a time. What happened when we got into the haymow I do not now
+      recall, only that Kosciusko and I frolicked around there in the hay for
+      some time. Occasionally I would be on top, and then he would have all the
+      delegates, until finally I got hold of a pitchfork, and freedom shrieked
+      when Kosciusko fell. I wrapped myself up in an old horse-net and went into
+      the house. Some of my clothes were afterward found in the hay, and the
+      doctor pried a part of my person out of Kosciusko's jaws, but not
+      enough to do me any good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have owned, in all, eleven dogs, and they all died violent deaths, and
+      went out of the world totally unprepared to die.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0108" id="link2H_4_0108"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Picturesque Picnic.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Railroads have made the Rocky Mountain country familiar and contiguous, I
+      may say, to the whole world; but the somber canon, the bald and blackened
+      cliff, the velvety park and the snowy, silent peak that forever rests
+      against the soft, blue sky, are ever new. The foamy green of the torrent
+      has whirled past the giant walls of nature's mighty fortress myriads
+      of years, perhaps, and the stars have looked down into the great heart of
+      earth for centuries, where the silver thread of streams, thousands of feet
+      below, has been patiently carving out the dark canon where the eagle and
+      the solemn echo have their home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said this to a gentleman from Leadville a short time ago as we toiled up
+      Kenoska Hill, between Platte canon and the South Park, on the South Park
+      and Pacific Railway. He said that might be true in some cases and even
+      more so, perhaps, depending entirely on whether it would or not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not believe at this moment that he thoroughly understood me. He was
+      only a millionaire and his soul, very likely, had never throbbed and
+      thrilled with the mysterious music nature yields to her poet child.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He could talk on and on of porphyry walls and contact veins, gray copper
+      and ruby silver, and sulphurets and pyrites of iron, but when my eye
+      kindled with the majestic beauty of these eternal battlements and my voice
+      trembled a little with awe and wonder; while my heart throbbed and
+      thrilled in the midst of nature's eloquent, golden silence, this man
+      sat there like an Etruscan ham and refused to throb or thrill. He was
+      about as unsatisfactory a throbber and thriller as I have met for years.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At an elevation of over 10,000 feet above high water mark, Fahrenheit, the
+      South Park, a hundred miles long, surrounded by precipitous mountains or
+      green and sloping foot-hills, burst upon us, In the clear, still air, a
+      hundred miles away, at Pueblo, I could hear a promissory note and
+      cut-throat mortgage drawing three per cent a month. So calm and unruffled
+      was the rarified air that I fancied I could hear the thirteenth assessment
+      on a share of stock at Leadville toiling away at the bottom of a two
+      hundred and fifty foot shaft.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Colorado air is so pure that men in New York have, in several instances,
+      heard the dull rumble of an assessment working as far away as the San Juan
+      country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Como, in the park, I met Col. Wellington Wade, the Duke of Dirty Woman's
+      Ranch, and barber extraordinary to old Stand-up-and-Yowl, chief of the
+      Piebiters.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Colonel Wade is a reformed temperance lecturer. I went to his shop to get
+      shaved, but he was absent. I could smell hair oil through the keyhole, but
+      the Colonel was not in his slab-inlaid emporium. He had been preparing
+      another lecture on temperance, and was at that moment studying the habits
+      of his adversary at a neighboring gin palace. I sat down on the steps and
+      devoured the beautiful landscape till he came. Then I sat down in the
+      chair, and he hovered over me while he talked about an essay he had
+      written on the flowing bowl. His arguments were not so strong as his
+      breath seemed to be. I asked him if he wouldn't breathe the other
+      way awhile and let me sober up. I learned afterward that although his nose
+      was red, his essay was not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He would shave me for a few moments, and then he would hone the razor on
+      his breath and begin over again. I think he must have been pickling his
+      lungs in alcohol. I never met a more pronounced gin cocktail symphony and
+      bologna sausage study in my life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think Sir Walter Scott must have referred to Colonel Wade when he said,
+      &ldquo;Breathes there a man with soul so dead?&rdquo; Colonel Wade's
+      soul might not have been dead, but it certainly did not enjoy perfect
+      health.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went over the mountains to Breckenridge the next day, climbed two miles
+      perpendicularly into the sky, rode on a special train one day, a push car
+      the next and a narrow-gauge engine the next. Saw all the beauty of the
+      country, in charge of Superintendent Smith, went over to Buena Vista and
+      had a congestion of the spine and a good time generally. You can leave
+      Denver on a morning train and see enough wild, grand, picturesque
+      loveliness before supper, to store away in your heart and hang upon the
+      walls of memory, to last all through your busy, humdrum life, and it is a
+      good investment, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0109" id="link2H_4_0109"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Taxidermy.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      This name is from two Greek words which signify &ldquo;arrangement&rdquo;
+      and &ldquo;skin,&rdquo; so that the ancient Greeks, no doubt, regarded
+      taxidermy as the original skin-game of that period. Taxidermy did not
+      flourish in America prior to the year 1828. At that time an Englishman
+      named Scudder established a museum and general repository for upholstered
+      beasts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Since then the art has advanced quite rapidly. To properly taxiderm,
+      requires a fine taste and a close study of the subject itself in life,
+      akin to the requirements necessary in order to succeed as a sculptor. I
+      have seen taxidermed animals that would not fool anybody. I recall, at
+      this time especially, a mountain lion, stuffed after death by a party who
+      had not made this matter a subject of close study. The lion was
+      represented in a crouching attitude, with open jaws and red gums. As time
+      passed on and year succeeded year, this lion continued to crouch. His tail
+      became less rampant and drooped like a hired man on a hot day. His gums
+      became less fiery red and his reddish skin hung over his bones in a loose
+      and distraught manner, like an old buffalo robe thrown over the knees of a
+      vinegary old maid. Spiders spun their webs across his dull, white fangs.
+      Mice made their nests in his abdominal cavity. His glass eye became
+      hopelessly strabismussed, and the moths left him bald-headed on the
+      stomach. He was a sad commentary on the extremely transitory nature of all
+      things terrestrial and the hollowness of the stuffed beast.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had a stuffed bird for a long time, which showed the cunning of the
+      stuffer to a great degree. It afforded me a great deal of unalloyed
+      pleasure, because I liked to get old hunters to look at it and tell me
+      what kind of a bird it was. They did not generally agree. A bitter and
+      acrimonious fight grew out of a discussion in relation to this bird. A man
+      from Vinegar Hill named Lyons and a party called Soiled Murphy (since
+      deceased), were in my office one morning&mdash;Mr. Lyons as a witness, and
+      Mr. Murphy in his great specialty as a drunk and disorderly. We had just
+      disposed of the case, and had just stepped down from the bench, intending
+      to take off the judicial ermine and put some more coal in the stove, when
+      the attention of Soiled Murphy was attracted to the bird. He allowed that
+      it was a common &ldquo;hell-diver with an abnormal head,&rdquo; while
+      Lyons claimed that it was a kingfisher.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The bird had a duck's body, the head of a common eagle and the feet
+      of a sage hen. These parts had been adjusted with great care and the tail
+      loaded with lead somehow, so that the powerful head would not tip the bird
+      up behind. With this <i>rara avis</i>, to use a foreign term, I loved to
+      amuse and instruct old hunters, who had been hunting all their lives for a
+      free drink, and hear them tell how they had killed hundred of these birds
+      over on the Poudre in an early day, or over near Elk Mountain when the
+      country was new.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So Lyons claimed that he had killed millions of these fowls, and Soiled
+      Murphy, who was known as the tomato can and beer-remnant savant of that
+      country, said that before the Union Pacific Railroad got into that
+      section, these birds swarmed around Hutton's lakes and lived on
+      horned toads.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The feeling got more and more partisan till Mr. Lyons made a pass at
+      Soiled Murphy with a large red cuspidor that had been presented to me by
+      Valentine Baker, a dealer in abandoned furniture and mines. Mr. Murphy
+      then welted Lyons over the head with the judicial scales. He then adroitly
+      caught a lump of bituminous coal with his countenance and fell to the
+      floor with a low cry of pain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I called in an outside party as a witness, and in the afternoon both men
+      were convicted of assault and battery. Soiled Murphy asked for a change of
+      venue on the ground that I was prejudiced. I told him that I did not allow
+      anything whatever to prejudice me, and went on with the case.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This great taxidermic masterpiece led to other assaults afterward, all of
+      which proved remunerative in a small way. My successor claimed that the
+      bird was a part of the perquisites of the office, and so I had to turn it
+      over with the docket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I also had a stuffed weasel from Cummins City that attracted a great deal
+      of attention, both in this country and in Europe. It looked some like a
+      weasel and some like an equestrian sausage with hair on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0110" id="link2H_4_0110"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Ways of Doctors.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;There's a big difference in doctors, I tell you,&rdquo; said
+      an old-timer to me the other day. &ldquo;You think you know something
+      about 'em, but you are still in the fluff and bloom, and
+      kindergarten of life, Wait till you've been through what I have.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Where, for instance?&rdquo; I asked him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, say nothing about anything else, just look at the doctors we
+      had in the war. We had a doctor in our regiment that looked as if he knew
+      so much that it made him unhappy. I found out afterward that he ran a kind
+      of cow foundling asylum, in Utah before the war, and when he had to
+      prescribe for a human being, it seemed to kind of rattle him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I fell off'n my horse early in the campaign and broke my leg,
+      I rickolect, and he sot the bone. He thought that a bone should be sot
+      similar to a hen. He made what he called a good splice, but the break was
+      above the knee, and he got the cow idea into his head in a way that set
+      the knee behind. That was bad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE GAVE ME A CIGAR.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8299}.jpg" alt="{8299} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8299}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I told him one day that he was a blamed fool. He gave me a cigar
+      and told me I must be a mind reader.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For several weeks our colonel couldn't eat anything, and
+      seemed to feel kind of billious. He didn't know what the trouble was
+      till he went to the doctor. He looked at the colonel a few moments,
+      examined his tongue, and told him right off that he had lost his cud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He bragged a good deal on his diagnosis. He said he'd like to
+      see the disease he couldn't diagnose with one hand tied behind him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He was always telling me how he had resuscitated a man they hung
+      over at T&mdash;&mdash; City in the early day. He was hung by mistake, it
+      seemed. It was a dark night and the Vigilance committee was in something
+      of a hurry, having another party to hang over at Dirty Woman's ranch
+      that night, and so they erroneously hung a quiet young feller from
+      Illinois, who had been sent west to cure a case of bronchitis. He was
+      right in the middle of an explanation when the head vigilanter kicked the
+      board from under him and broke his neck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: BURIED WITH MILITARY HONORS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0300}.jpg" alt="{0300}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0300}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;All at once, some one said: 'My God, we have made a
+      ridiculous blunder. Boys, we can't be too careful about hanging
+      total strangers. A few more such breaks as these, and people from the
+      States will hesitate about coming here to make their homes. We have always
+      claimed that this was a good country for bronchitis, but if we write to
+      Illinois and tell this young feller's parents the facts, we needn't
+      look for a very large hegira from Illinois next season. Doc., can't
+      you do anything for the young man?'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then this young physician stepped forward, he says, and put his
+      knee on the back of the boy's neck, give it a little push, at the
+      same time pulled the head back with a snap that straightened the neck, and
+      the young feller, who was in the middle of a large word, something like
+      'contumely,' when the barrel tipped over, finished out the
+      word and went right on with the explanation. The doctor said he lived a
+      good many years, and was loved and esteemed by all who knew him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The doctor was always telling of his triumphs in surgery. He did
+      save a good many lives, too, toward the close of the war. He did it in an
+      odd way, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;He had about one year more to serve, and, with his doctoring on one
+      side and the hostility of the enemy on the other, our regiment was wore
+      down to about five hundred men. Everybody said we couldn't stand it
+      more than another year. One day, however, the doctor had just measured a
+      man for a porus plaster, and had laid the stub of his cigar carefully down
+      on the top of a red powder-keg, when there was a slight atmospheric
+      disturbance, the smell of burnt clothes, and our regiment had to apply for
+      a new surgeon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The wife of our late surgeon wrote to have her husband's
+      remains forwarded to her, but I told her that it would be very difficult
+      to do so, owing to the nature of the accident. I said, however, that we
+      had found an upper set of store teeth imbedded in a palmetto tree near by,
+      and had buried them with military honors, erecting over the grave a large
+      board, on which was inscribed the name and age of the deceased and this
+      inscription:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;<i>Not dead, but spontaneously distributed. Gone to meet his
+      glorified throng of patients. Ta, ta, vain world</i>.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0111" id="link2H_4_0111"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Absent Minded.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I remember an attorney, who practiced law out West years ago, who used to
+      fill his pipe with brass paper fasteners, and try to light it with a
+      ruling pen about twice a day. That was his usual average.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He would talk in unknown tongues, and was considered a thorough and
+      revised encyclopedia on everything from the tariff on a meerschaum pipe to
+      the latitude of Crazy Woman's Fork west of Greenwich, and yet if he
+      went to the postoffice he would probably mail his pocketbook and carefully
+      bring his letter back to the office.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day he got to thinking about the Monroe doctrine, or the sudden and
+      horrible death of Judas Iscariot, and actually lost his office. He walked
+      up and down for an hour, scouring the town for the evanescent office that
+      had escaped his notice while he was sorrowing over the shocking death of
+      Judas, or Noah's struggles against malaria and a damp, late spring.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Martin Luther Brandt was the name of this eccentric jurist. He got up in
+      the night once, and dressed himself, and taking a night train in that
+      dreamy way of his, rode on to Denver, took the Rio Grande train in the
+      morning and drifted away into old Mexico somewhere. He must have been in
+      that same old half comatose state when he went away, for he made a most
+      ludicrous error in getting his wife in the train. When he arrived in old
+      Mexico he found that he had brought another man's wife, and by some
+      strange oversight had left his own at home with five children. It hardly
+      seems possible that a man could be so completely enveloped in a brown
+      study that he would err in the matter of a wife and five children, but
+      such was the case with Martin Luther. Martin Luther couldn't tell
+      you his own name if you asked him suddenly, so as to give him a nervous
+      shock.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This dreamy, absent-minded, wool-gathering disease is sometimes
+      contagious. Pretty soon after Martin Luther struck Mexico the malignant
+      form of brown study broke out among the greasers, and an alarming mania on
+      the somnambulistic order seemed to follow it. A party of Mexican
+      somnambuloes one night got together, and while the disease was at its
+      height tied Martin Luther to the gable of a 'dobe hen palace. His
+      soul is probably at this moment floundering around through space, trying
+      to find the evergreen shore.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An old hunter, who was a friend of mine, had this odd way of walking
+      aimlessly around with his thoughts in some other world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I used to tell him that some day he would regret it, but he only laughed
+      and continued to do the same fool thing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Last fall he saw a grizzly go into a cave in the upper waters of the
+      Platte, and strolled in there to kill her. As he has not returned up to
+      this moment, I am sure he has erroneously allowed himself to get mixed up
+      as to the points of the compass, and has fallen a victim to this fatal
+      brown study. Some think that the brown study had hair on it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0112" id="link2H_4_0112"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Woman's Wonderful Influence.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Woman wields a wonderful influence over man's destinies,&rdquo;
+      said Woodtick William, the other day, as he breathed gently on a chunk of
+      blossom rock and then wiped it carefully with the tail of his coat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Woman in most cases is gentle and long suffering, but if you
+      observe close for several consecutive weeks you will notice that she
+      generally gets there with both feet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I've been quite a student of the female mind myself. I have,
+      therefore, had a good deal of opportunity to compare the everedge man with
+      the everedge woman as regards ketchin' on in our great general
+      farewell journey to the tomb.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;YOU GO ON WITH YOUR PETITION."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9304}.jpg" alt="{9304}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9304}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Woman has figgered a good deal in my own destinies. My first wife
+      was a large, powerful woman, who married me before I hardly knew it. She
+      married me down near Provost, in an early day. Her name was Lorena. The
+      name didn't seem to suit her complexion and phizzeek as a general
+      thing. It was like calling the fat woman in the museum Lily. Lorena was a
+      woman of great strength of purpose. She was also strong in the wrists.
+      Lorena was of foreign extraction, with far-away eyes and large, earnest
+      red hands. You ought to have saw her preserve order during the hour for
+      morning prayers. I had a hired man there in Utah, in them days, who was
+      inclined to be a scoffer at our plain home-made style of religion. So I
+      told Lorena that I was a little afraid that Orlando Whoopenkaugh would
+      rise up suddenly while I was at prayer and spatter my thinker all over the
+      cook stove, or create some other ruction that would cast a gloom over our
+      devotions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lorena said: 'Never mind, William. You are more successful in
+      prayer, while I am more successful in disturbances. You go on with your
+      petition, and I will preserve order.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lorena saved my life once in a singular manner. Being a large,
+      powerful woman, of course she no doubt preserved me from harm a great many
+      times; but on this occasion it was a clear case.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I was then sinking on the Coopon claim, and had got the prospect
+      shaft down a couple of hundred foot and was drifting for the side wall
+      with indifferent success. We was working a day shift of six men, blasting,
+      hysting and a little timbering. I was in charge of the crew and eastern
+      capital was furnishing the ready John Davis, if you will allow me that low
+      term.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: LORENA JUMPING NINE FEET HIGH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8305}.jpg" alt="{8305} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8305}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Lorena and me had been a little edgeways for several days, owing to
+      a little sassy remark made by her and a retort on my part in which I
+      thoughtlessly alluded to her brother, who was at that time serving out a
+      little term for life down at Canyon City, and who, if his life is spared,
+      is at it yet. If I wanted to make Lorena jump nine feet high and holler,
+      all I had to do was just to allude in a jeering way to her family record,
+      so she got madder and madder, till at last it ripened into open hostility,
+      and about noon on the 13th day of September Lorena attacked me with a
+      large butcher knife and drove me into the adjoining county. She told me,
+      also, that if I ever returned to Provost she would cut me in two right
+      between the pancreas and the watch pocket and feed me to the hens.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I thought if she felt that way about it I would not return. I felt
+      so hurt and so grieved about it that I never stopped till I got to Omaha.
+      Then I heard how Lorena, as a means in the hands of Providence, had saved
+      my unprofitable life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When she got back to the house and had put away her butcher knife,
+      a man came rushing in to tell her that the boys had struck a big pay
+      streak of water, and that the whole crew in the Coopon was drowned, her
+      husband among the rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then it dawned on Lorena how she had saved me, and for the first
+      time in her life she burst into tears. People who saw her said her grief
+      was terrible. Tears are sad enough when shed by a man, but when we see a
+      strong woman bowed in grief, we shudder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No one who has never deserted his wife at her urgent request can
+      fully realize the pain and anguish it costs. I have been married many
+      times since, but the sensation is just the same to-day as it was the first
+      time I ever deserted my wife.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man's
+      whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any,
+      though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if
+      possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these
+      petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does
+      with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have
+      confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or
+      not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see
+      whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock
+      him into a drunkard's grave, sure pop. He will at first lie about
+      it, then he will use disinfectants for the breath, and then he will stay
+      away till he gets over it. The timid young man says, 'Pass the
+      cloves, please. I've got to get ready to go home pretty soon.'
+      The man whose wife really has fun with him says, 'Well, boys,
+      good-night. I'm sorry for you.' Then he goes home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Very few men have had the opportunities for observation in a
+      matrimonial way that I have, William. You see, one man judges all the
+      wives in Christendom by his'n. Another does ditto, and so it goes.
+      But I have made matrimony a study. It has been a life-work for me. Others
+      have simply dabbled into it. I have studied all its phases and I am an
+      expert. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by
+      strategy and winnin' ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is
+      absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and
+      while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her
+      presiding over man's destinies and his ducats.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0113" id="link2H_4_0113"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Causes for Thanksgiving.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      We are now rapidly approaching the date of our great national
+      thanksgiving. Another year has almost passed by on the wings of tireless
+      time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Since last we gathered about the festive board and spattered the true
+      inwardness of the family gobbler over the table cloth, remorseless time,
+      who knows not the weight of weariness, has sought out the good, the true
+      and the beautiful, as well as the old, the sinful and the tough, and has
+      laid his heavy hand upon them. We have no more fitting illustration of the
+      great truth that death prefers the young and tender than the deceased
+      turkey upon which we are soon to operate. How still he lies, mowed down in
+      life's young morn to make a yankee holiday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How changed he seems! Once so gay and festive, now so still, so strangely
+      quiet and reserved. How calmly he lies, with his bare limbs buried in the
+      lurid atmosphere like those of a hippytehop artist on the west side.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soon the amateur carver will plunge the shining blade into the unresisting
+      bird, and the air will be filled with stuffing and half smothered
+      profanity. The Thanksgiving turkey is a grim humorist, and nothing pleases
+      him so well as to hide his joint in a new place and then flip over and
+      smile when the student misses it and buries the knife in the bosom of a
+      personal friend. Few men can retain their <i>sang froid</i> before company
+      when they have to get a step ladder and take down the second joint and the
+      merry thought from the chandelier while people are looking at them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And what has the past year brought us? Speaking from a Republican
+      standpoint, it has brought us a large wad of dark blue gloom. Speaking
+      from a Democratic standpoint, it has been very prolific of fourth-class
+      postoffices worth from $200 down to $1.35 per annum. Politically, the past
+      year has been one of wonderful changes. Many have, during the year just
+      past, held office for the first time. Many, also, have gone out into the
+      cold world since last Thanksgiving and seriously considered the great
+      problem of how to invest a small amount of actual perspiration in plain
+      groceries.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many who considered the life of a politician to be one of high priced food
+      and inglorious ease, have found, now that they have the fruit, that it is
+      ashes on their lips.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our foreign relations have been mutually pleasant, and those who dwell
+      across the raging main, far removed from the refining influences of our
+      prohibitory laws, have still made many grand strides toward the
+      amelioration of our lost and undone race. Many foreigners who have never
+      experienced the pleasure of drinking mysterious beverages from gas
+      fixtures and burial caskets in Maine, or from a blind pig in Iowa, or a
+      Babcock fire extinguisher in Kansas, still enjoy life by bombarding the
+      Czar as he goes out after a scuttle of coal at night, or by putting a
+      surprise package of dynamite on the throne of a tottering dynasty, where
+      said tottering dynasty will have to sit down upon it and then pass rapidly
+      to another sphere of existence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Many startling changes have taken place since last November. The political
+      fabric in our own land has assumed a different hue, and men who a year ago
+      were unnoticed and unknown are even more so now. This is indeed a healthy
+      sign. No matter what party or faction may be responsible for this, I say
+      in a wholly non-partisan spirit, that I am glad of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am glad to notice that, owing to the active enforcement of the Edmunds
+      bill in Utah, polygamy has been made odorous. The day is not far distant
+      when Utah will be admitted as a State and her motto will be &ldquo;one
+      country, one flag, and one wife at a time.&rdquo; Then will peace and
+      prosperity unite to make the modern Zion the habitation of men. The old
+      style of hand-made valley tan will give place to a less harmful beverage,
+      and we will welcome the new sister in the great family circle of States,
+      not clothed in the disagreeable endowment robe, but dressed up in the
+      Mother Hubbard wrapper, with a surcingle around it, such as the goddess of
+      liberty wears when she has her picture taken.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Crops throughout the northwest have been fairly good, though the gain
+      yield has been less in quantity and inferior in quality to that of last
+      year. A Democratic administration has certainly frowned upon the
+      professional, partisan office seekers, but it has been unable to stay the
+      onward march of the chintz bug or to produce a perceptible falling off in
+      pip among the yellow-limbed fowls. While Jeffersonian purity and economy
+      have seemed to rage with great virulence at Washington, in the northwest
+      heaves and botts among horses and common, old-fashioned hollow horn among
+      cattle have been the prevailing complaints.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And yet there is much for which we should be thankful. Many broad-browed
+      men who knew how a good paper ought to be conducted, but who had no other
+      visible means of support, have passed on to another field of labor,
+      leaving the work almost solely in the hands of the vast army of novices
+      who at the present are at the head of journalism throughout the country,
+      and who sadly miss those timely words of caution that were wont to fall
+      from the lips of those men whose spirits are floating through space,
+      finding fault with the arrangement of the solar system.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fool-killer, in the meantime, has not been idle. With his old, rusty,
+      unloaded musket, he has gathered in enough to make his old heart swell
+      with pride, and to this number he has added many by using &ldquo;rough on
+      rats,&rdquo; a preparation that never killed anything except those that
+      were unfortunate enough to belong to the human family.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still the fool-killer has missed a good many on account of the great rush
+      of business in his line, and I presume that no one has a greater reason to
+      be thankful for this oversight than I have.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0114" id="link2H_4_0114"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Farming in Maine.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The State of Maine is a good place in which to experiment with
+      prohibition, but it is not a good place to farm it in very largely.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the first place, the season is generally a little reluctant. When I was
+      up near Moosehead Lake, a short time ago, people were driving across that
+      body of water on the ice with perfect impunity. That is one thing that
+      interferes with the farming business in Maine. If a young man is
+      sleigh-riding every night till midnight, he don't feel like hoeing
+      corn the following day. Any man who has ever had his feet frost-bitten
+      while bugging potatoes, will agree with me that it takes away the charm of
+      pastoral pursuits. It is this desire to amalgamate dog days and Santa
+      Claus, that has injured Maine as an agricultural hot-bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A DAY-DREAM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8311}.jpg" alt="{8311} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8311}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Another reason that might be assigned for refraining from agricultural
+      pursuits in Maine, is that the agitator of the soil finds when it is too
+      late that soil itself, which is essential to the successful propagation of
+      crops, has not been in use in Maine for years. While all over the State
+      there is a magnificent stone foundation on which a farm might safely rest,
+      the superstructure, or farm proper, has not been secured.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I had known when I passed through Minnesota and Illinois what a soil
+      famine there was in Maine, I would have brought some with me. The stone
+      crop this year in Maine will be very great. If they do not crack open
+      during the dry weather, there will be a great many. The stone bruise is
+      also looking unusually well for this season of the year, and chilblains
+      were in full bloom when I was there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the neighborhood of Pittsfield, the country seems to run largely to
+      cold water and chattel mortgages. Some think that rum has always kept
+      Maine back, but I claim that it has been wet feet. In another article I
+      refer to the matter of rum in Maine more fully.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The agricultural resources of Pittsfield and vicinity are not great, the
+      principal exports being spruce gum and Christmas trees. Here also the
+      huckleberry hath her home. But the country seems to run largely to
+      Christmas trees. They were not yet in bloom when I visited the State, so
+      it was too early to gather popcorn balls and Christmas presents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here, near Pittsfield, is the birthplace of the only original wormless
+      dried apple pie, with which we generally insult our gastric economy when
+      we lunch along the railroad. These pies, when properly kiln-dried and
+      rivetted, with German silver monogram on top, if fitted out with Yale time
+      lock, make the best fire and burglar-proof wormless pies of commerce. They
+      take the place of civil war, and as a promoter of intestine strife they
+      have no equal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The farms in Maine are fenced in with stone walls. I do not know way this
+      is done, for I did not see anything on these farms that anyone would
+      naturally yearn to carry away with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw some sheep in one of these enclosures. Their steel-pointed bills
+      were lying on the wall near them, and they were resting their jaws in the
+      crisp, frosty morning air. In another enclosure a farmer was planting
+      clover seed with a hypodermic syringe, and covering it with a mustard
+      plaster. He said that last year his clover was a complete failure because
+      his mustard plasters were no good. He had tried to save money by using
+      second-hand mustard plasters, and of course the clover seed, missing the
+      warm stimulus, neglected to rally, and the crop was a failure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here may be noticed the canvas-back moose and a strong antipathy to good
+      rum. I do not wonder that the people of Maine are hostile to rum&mdash;if
+      they judge all rum by Maine rum. The moose is one of the most gamey of the
+      finny tribe. He is caught in the fall of the year with a double-barrel
+      shotgun and a pair of snow-shoes. He does not bite unless irritated, but
+      little boys should not go near the female moose while she is on her nest.
+      The masculine moose wears a harelip, and a hat rack on his head to which
+      is attached a placard on which is printed:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This shows that the moose is a humorist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0115" id="link2H_4_0115"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Doosedly Dilatory.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Since the investigation of Washington pension attorneys, it is a little
+      remarkable how scarce in the newspapers is the appearance of
+      advertisements like this.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pensions! Thousands of soldiers of the late war are still entitled to
+      pensions with the large accumulations since the injury was received. We
+      procure pensions, back pay, allowances. Appear in the courts for
+      nonresident clients in United States land cases, etc. Address Skinnem
+      &amp; Co., Washington, D.C.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I didn't participate in the late war, but I have had some experience
+      in putting a few friends and neighbors on the track of a pension. Those
+      who have tried it will remember some of the details. It always seemed to
+      me a little more difficult somehow for a man who had lost both legs at
+      Antietam, than for the man who got his nose pulled off at an election
+      three years after the war closed. It, of course, depended a good deal on
+      the extemporaneous affidavit qualifications of the applicant. About five
+      years ago an acquaintance came to me and said he wanted to get a pension
+      from the government, and that he hadn't the first idea about the
+      details. He didn't know whether he should apply to the President or
+      to the Secretary of State. Would I &ldquo;kind of put him onto the racket.&rdquo;
+      I asked him what he wanted a pension for, and he said his injury didn't
+      show much, but it prevented his pursuit of kopecks and happiness. He had
+      nine children by his first wife, and if he could get a pension he desired
+      to marry again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As to the nature of his injuries, he said that at the battle of Fair Oaks
+      he supported his command by secreting himself behind a rail fence and
+      harassing the enemy from time to time, by a system of coldness and neglect
+      on his part. While thus employed in breaking the back of the Confederacy,
+      a solid shot struck a crooked rail on which he was sitting, in such a way
+      as to jar his spinal column. From this concussion he had never fully
+      recovered. He didn't notice it any more while sitting down and
+      quiet, but the moment he began to do manual labor or to stand on his feet
+      too long, unless he had a bar or something to lean up against, he felt the
+      cold chill run up his back and life was no object.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him that I was too busy to attend to it, and asked him why he didn't
+      put his case in the hands of some Washington attorney, who could be on the
+      ground and attend to it. He decided that he would, so he wrote to one of
+      these philanthropists whom we will call Fitznoodle. I give him the <i>nom
+      de plume</i> of Fitznoodle to nip a $20,000 libel suit in the bud. Well,
+      Fitznoodle sent back some blanks for the claimant to sign, by which he
+      bound himself, his heirs, executors, representatives and assigns, firmly
+      by these presents to pay to said Fitznoodle, the necessary fees for
+      postage, stationery, car fare, concert tickets, and office rent, while
+      said claim was in the hands of the pension department. He said in a letter
+      that he would have to ask for $2, please, to pay for postage. He inclosed
+      a circular in which he begged to refer the claimant to a reformed member
+      of the bar of the District of Columbia, a backslidden foreign minister and
+      three prominent men who had been dead eleven years by the watch. In a
+      postscript he again alluded to the $2 in a casual way, waved the American
+      flag two times, and begged leave to subscribe himself once more. &ldquo;Yours
+      Fraternally and professionally, Good Samaritan Fitznoodle, Attorney at
+      Law, Solicitor in Chancery, and Promotor of Even-handed Justice in and for
+      the District of Columbia.&rdquo; The claimant sent his $2, not necessarily
+      for publication, but as a guaranty of good faith.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Later on Mr. Fitznoodle said that the first step would be to file a
+      declaration enclosing $5 and the names of two witnesses who were present
+      when the claimant was born, and could identify him as the same man who
+      enlisted from Emporia in the Thirteenth Kansas Nighthawks. Five dollars
+      must be enclosed to defray the expenses of a trip to the office of the
+      commissioner of pensions, which trip would naturally take in eleven
+      saloons and ten cents in car fare. &ldquo;P.S.&mdash;Attach to the
+      declaration the signature and seal of a notary public of pure character,
+      $5, the certificate of the clerk of a court of record as to the
+      genuineness of the signature of the notary public, his term of appointment
+      and $5.&rdquo; These documents were sent, after which there was a lull of
+      about three months. Then the swelling in Mr. Fitznoodle's head had
+      gone down a little, but there was still a seal brown taste in his mouth.
+      So he wrote the claimant that it would be necessary to jog the memory of
+      the department about $3 dollars worth; and to file collateral testimony
+      setting forth that claimant was a native born American or that he had
+      declared his intention to become a citizen of the United States, that he
+      had not formed nor expressed an opinion for or against the accused, which
+      the testimony would not eradicate, that he would enclose $3, and that he
+      had never before applied for a pension. After awhile a circular from the
+      pension end of the department was received, stating that the claimant's
+      application had been received, filed and docketed No. 188,935,062-1/2, on
+      page 9,847 of book G, on the thumb-hand side as you come in on the New
+      York train. On the strength of this document the claimant went to the
+      grocery and bought an ecru-colored ham, a sack of corn meal and a pound of
+      tobacco. In June Mr. Fitznoodle sent a blank to be filled out by the
+      claimant, stating whether he had or had not been baptized prior to his
+      enlistment; and, if so, to what extent, and how he liked it so far as he
+      had gone. This was to be sworn to before two witnesses, who were to be
+      male, if possible, and if not, the department would insist on their being
+      female. These witnesses must swear that they had no interest in the said
+      claim, or anything else. On receipt of this, together with $5 in
+      postoffice money order or New York draft, the document would be filed and,
+      no doubt, acted upon at once. In July, a note came from the attorney
+      saying that he regretted to write that the pension department was now
+      250,000 claims behind, and if business was taken up in its regular order,
+      the claim under discussion might not be reached for between nine and ten
+      years. However, it would be possible to &ldquo;expedite&rdquo; the claim,
+      if $25 could be remitted for the purpose of buying a spike-tail coat and
+      plug hat, in which to appear before the commissioner of pensions and mash
+      him flat on the shape of the attorney. As the claimant didn't know
+      much of the practical working of the machinery of government, he swallowed
+      this pill and remitted the $25. Here followed a good deal of red tape and
+      international monkeying during which the claimant was alternately taking
+      an oath to support the constitution of the United States, and promising to
+      support the constitution and by-laws of Mr. Fitznoodle. The claimant was
+      constantly assured that his claim was a good one and on these autograph
+      letters written with a type-writer, the war-born veteran with a concussed
+      vertebra bought groceries and secured the funds to pay his assessments.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For a number of years I heard nothing of the claim, but a few months ago,
+      when Mr. Fitznoodle was arrested and jerked into the presence of the grand
+      jury, a Washington friend wrote me that the officers found in his table a
+      letter addressed to the man who was jarred in the rear of the Union army,
+      and in which (the letter, I mean), he alluded to the long and pleasant
+      correspondence which had sprung up between them as lawyer and client, and
+      regretting that, as the claim would soon be allowed, their friendly
+      relations would no doubt cease, would he please forward $13 to pay freight
+      on the pension money, and also a lock of his hair that Mr. Fitznoodle
+      could weave into a watchchain and wear always. As the claimant does not
+      need the papers, he probably thinks by this time that Mr. Good Samaritan
+      Fitznoodle has been kidnapped and thrown into the moaning, hungry sea.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0116" id="link2H_4_0116"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      It would please me very much, at no distant day, to issue a small book
+      filled with choice recipes and directions for making home happy. I have
+      accumulated an immense assortment of these things, all of general use and
+      all excellent in their way, because they have been printed in papers all
+      over the country&mdash;papers that would not be wrong. Some of these
+      recipes I have tried.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have tried the recipe for paste and directions for applying wall paper,
+      as published recently in an agricultural paper to which I had become very
+      much attached.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This recipe had all the characteristics of an ingenuous and honest
+      document. I cut it out of the paper and filed it away where I came very
+      near not finding it again. But I was unfortunate enough to find it after a
+      long search.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The scheme was to prepare a flour paste that would hold forever, and at
+      the same time make the paper look smooth and neat to the casual observer.
+      It consisted of so many parts flour, so many parts hot water and so many
+      parts common glue. First, the walls were to be sized, however. I took a
+      common tape measure and sized the walls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I put a dishpan on the cook stove, poured in the flour, boiling water
+      and glue. This rapidly produced a dark brown mess of dough, to which I was
+      obliged to add more hot water. It looked extremely repulsive to me, but it
+      looked a good deal better than it smelled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did not have much faith in it, but I thought I would try it. I put some
+      of it on a long strip of wall paper and got up on a chair to apply it. In
+      the excitement of trying to stick it on the wall as nearly perpendicular
+      as possible, I lost my balance while still holding the paper and fell in
+      such a manner as to wrap four yards of bronze paper and common flour paste
+      around my wife's head, with the exception of about four feet of the
+      paper which I applied to an oil painting of a Gordon Setter in a gilt
+      frame.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I decline to detail the dialogue which then took place between my wife and
+      myself. Whatever claim the public may have on me, it has no right to
+      demand this. It will continue to remain sacred. That is, not so very
+      sacred of course, if I remember my exact language at the time, but
+      sacredly secret from the prying eyes of the public.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is singular, but it is none the less the never dying truth, that the
+      only time that paste ever stuck anything at all, was when I applied it to
+      my wife and that picture. After that it did everything but adhere. It
+      gourmed and it gummed everything, but that was all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man who wrote the recipe may have been stuck on it, but nothing else
+      ever was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: I LOST MY BALANCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9318}.jpg" alt="{9318}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9318}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Finally a friend came along who helped me pick the paper off the dog and
+      soothe my wife. He said that what this paste needed was more glue and a
+      quart of molasses. I added these ingredients, and constructed a quart of
+      chemical molasses which looked like crude ginger bread in a molten state.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, with the aid of my friend, I proceeded to paper the room. The paper
+      would seem to adhere at times, and then it would refrain from adhering.
+      This was annoying, but we succeeded in applying the paper to the walls in
+      a way that showed we were perfectly sincere about it. We didn't seek
+      to mislead anybody or cover up anything. Any one could see where each roll
+      of paper tried to be amicable with its neighbor&mdash;also where we had
+      tried the laying on of hands in applying the paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We got all the paper on in good shape&mdash;also the bronze. But they were
+      in different places. The paper was on the walls, but the bronze was mostly
+      on our clothes and on our hands. I was very tired when I got through, and
+      I went to bed early, hoping to get much needed rest. In the morning, when
+      I felt fresh and rested, I thought that the paper would look better to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is where I fooled myself. It did not look better to me. It looked
+      worse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All night long I could occasionally hear something crack like a Fourth of
+      July. I did not know at the time what it was, but in the morning I
+      discovered.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It seems that, during the night, that paper had wrinkled itself up like
+      the skin on the neck of a pioneer hen after death. It had pulled itself
+      together with so much zeal that the room was six inches smaller each way
+      and the carpet didn't fit.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is only one way to insure success in the publication of recipes.
+      They must be tried by the editor himself before they are printed. If you
+      have a good recipe for paste, you must try it before you print it. If you
+      have a good remedy for botts, you must get a botty horse somewhere and try
+      the remedy before you submit it. If you think of publishing the antidote
+      for a certain poison, you should poison some one and try the antidote on
+      him, in order to test it, before you bamboozle the readers of your paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This, of course, will add a good deal of extra work for the editor, but
+      editors need more work. All they do now is to have fun with each other,
+      draw their princely salaries, and speak sarcastically of the young poet
+      who sings,
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  &ldquo;You have came far o'er the sea,
+  And I've went away from thee.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0117" id="link2H_4_0117"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Sixty Minutes in America.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following selections are from the advance sheets of a forthcoming work
+      with the above title, to be published by M. Foll de Roll. It is possible
+      that other excerpts will be made from the book, in case the present
+      harmonious state of affairs between France and America is not destroyed by
+      my style of translation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the preface M. Foll de Roll says: &ldquo;France has long required a
+      book of printed writings about that large, wide land of whom we listen to
+      so much and yet so little <i>sabe</i>, as the piquant Californian shall
+      say. America is considerable. America I shall call vast. She care nothing
+      how high freedom shall come, she must secure him. She exclaims to all
+      people: 'You like freedom pretty well, but you know nothing of it.
+      We throw away every day more freedom than you shall see all your life.
+      Come to this place when you shall run out of freedom. We make it. Do not
+      ask us for money, but if you want personal liberty, please look over our
+      vast stock before you elsewhere go.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;So everybody goes to America, where he shall be free to pay cash
+      for what the American has for sale.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In this book will be found everything that the French people want
+      to know of that singular land, for did I not cross it from New Jersey
+      City, the town where all the New York people have to go to get upon the
+      cars, through to the town of San Francisco?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For years the writer of this book has had it in his mind to go
+      across America, and then tell the people of France, in a small volume
+      costing one franc, all about the grotesque land of the freedom bird.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the opening chapter he alludes to New York casually, and apologizes for
+      taking up so much space.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When you shall land in New York, you shall feel a strange
+      sensation. The stomach is not so what we should call 'Rise up
+      William Riley,' to use an Americanism which will not bear
+      translation. I ride along the Rue de Twenty-three, and want to eat
+      everything my eyes shall fall upon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I stay at New York all night, and eat one large supper at 6 o'clock,
+      and again at 9. At 12 I awake and eat the inside of my hektograph, and
+      then lie down once more to sleep. The hektograph will be henceforth, as
+      the American shall say, no good, but what is that when a man is starving
+      in a foreign land?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I leave New York in the morning on the Ferry de Pavonia, a steamer
+      that goes to New Jersey City. Many people go to New York to buy food and
+      clothes. Then you shall see them return to the woods, where they live the
+      rest of the time. Some of the females are quite <i>petite</i> and, as the
+      Americans have it, 'scrumptious.' One stout girl at New Jersey
+      City, I was told, was 'all wool and a yard wide.'
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The relations between New York and New Jersey City are quite
+      amicable, and the inhabitants seem to spend much of their time riding to
+      and fro on the Ferry de Pavonia and other steamers. When I talked to them
+      in their own language they would laugh with great glee, and say they could
+      not parley voo Norwegian very good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;The Americans are very fond of witnessing what may be called the <i>tournament
+      de slug</i>. In this, two men wearing upholstered mittens shake hands, and
+      then one strikes at the other with his right hand, so as to mislead him,
+      and, while he is taking care of that, the first man hits him with his left
+      and knocks out some of his teeth. Then the other man spits out his loose
+      teeth and hits his antagonist on the nose, or feeds him with the thumb of
+      his upholstered mitten for some time. Half the gate money goes to the
+      hospital where these men are in the habit of being repaired.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;One of these men, who is now the champion scrapper, as one American
+      author has it, was once a poor boy, but he was proud and ambitious. So he
+      practiced on his wife evenings, after she had washed the dishes, until he
+      found that he could 'knock her out,' as the American has it.
+      Then he tried it on other relatives, and step by step advanced till he
+      could make almost any man in America cough up pieces of this upholstered
+      mitten which he wears in public.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In closing this chapter on New York, I may say that I have not said
+      so much of the city itself as I would like, but enough so that he who
+      reads with care may feel somewhat familiar with it. New York is situated
+      on the east side of America, near New Jersey City. The climate is cool and
+      frosty a part of the year, but warm and temperate in the summer months.
+      The surface is generally level, but some of the houses are quite tall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would not advise Frenchmen to go to New York now, but rather to
+      wait until the pedestal of M. Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty has been
+      paid for. Many foreigners have already been earnestly permitted to help
+      pay for this pedestal.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0118" id="link2H_4_0118"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      There are a good many difficult things to ride, I find, beside the bicycle
+      and the bucking Mexican plug. Those who have tried to mount and
+      successfully ride a wheelbarrow in the darkness of the stilly night will
+      agree with me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You come on a wheelbarrow suddenly when it is in a brown study, and you
+      undertake to straddle it, so to speak, and all at once you find the
+      wheelbarrow on top. I may say, I think, safely, that the wheelbarrow is,
+      as a rule, phlegmatic and cool; but when a total stranger startles it, it
+      spreads desolation and destruction on every hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is also true of the perambulator, or baby-carriage. I undertook to
+      evade a child's phaeton, three years ago last spring, as it stood in
+      the entrance to a hall in Main street. The child was not injured, because
+      it was not in the carriage at the time; but I was not so fortunate. I
+      pulled pieces of perambulator out of myself for two weeks with the hand
+      that was not disabled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How a sedentary man could fall through a child's carriage in such a
+      manner as to stab himself with the awning and knock every spoke out of
+      three wheels, is still a mystery to me, but I did it. I can show you the
+      doctor's bill now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The other day, however, I discovered a new style of riding animal. The
+      Rev. Mr. Hallelujah was at the depot when I arrived, and was evidently
+      waiting for the same Chicago train that I was in search of. Rev. Mr.
+      Hallelujah had put his valise down near an ordinary baggage-truck which
+      leaned up against the wall of the station building.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He strolled along the platform a few moments, communing with himself and
+      agitating his mind over the subject of Divine Retribution, and then he
+      went up and leaned against the truck. Finally, he somehow got his arms
+      under the handles of the truck as it stood up between his back and the
+      wall. He still continued to think of the plan of Divine Retribution, and
+      you could have seen his lips move if you had been there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Pretty soon some young ladies came along, rosy in winter air, beautiful
+      beyond compare, frosty crystals in their hair; smiled they on the preacher
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He returned the smile and bowed low. As he did so, as near as I can figure
+      it out, he stepped back on the iron edge of the truck that the baggageman
+      generally jabs under the rim of an iron-bound sample-trunk when he goes to
+      load it. Anyhow, Mr. Hallelujah's feet flew toward next spring. The
+      truck started across the platform with him and spilled him over the edge
+      on the track ten feet below. So rapid was the movement that the eye with
+      difficulty followed his evolutions. His valise was carried onward by the
+      same wild avalanche, and &ldquo;busted&rdquo; open before it struck the
+      track below.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was surprised to see some of the articles that shot forth into the broad
+      light of day. Among the rest there was a bran fired new set of ready-made
+      teeth, to be used in case of accident. Up to that moment I didn't
+      know that Mr. Hallelujah used the common tooth of commerce. These teeth
+      slipped out of the valise with a Sabbath smile and vulcanized rubber gums.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A RAPID MOVEMENT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9324}.jpg" alt="{9324}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9324}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      In striking the iron track below, the every-day set which the Rev. Mr.
+      Hallelujah had in use became loosened, and smiled across the road-bed and
+      right of way at the bran fired new array of incisors, cuspids, bi-cuspids
+      and molars that flew out of the valise. Mr. Hallelujah got up and tried to
+      look merry, but he could not smile without his teeth. The back seams of
+      his Newmarket coat were more successful, however.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Hallelujah's wardrobe and a small boy were the only objects that
+      dared to smile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0119" id="link2H_4_0119"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Somnambulism and Crime.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A recent article in the London <i>Post</i> on the subject of somnambulism,
+      calls to my mind several little incidents with somnambulistic tendencies
+      in my own experience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This subject has, indeed, attracted my attention for some years, and it
+      has afforded me great pleasure to investigate it carefully.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Regarding the causes of dreams and somnambulism, there are many theories,
+      all of which are more or less untenable. My own idea, given, of course, in
+      a plain, crude way, is that thoughts originate on the inside of the brain
+      and then go at once to the surface, where they have their photographs
+      taken, with the understanding that the negatives are to be preserved. In
+      this way the thought may afterward be duplicated back to the thinker in
+      the form of a dream, and, if the impulse be strong enough, muscular action
+      and somnambulism may result.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the banks of Bitter Creek, some years ago, lived an open-mouthed man,
+      who had risen from affluence by his unaided effort until he was entirely
+      free from any incumbrance in the way of property. His mind dwelt on this
+      matter a great deal during the day. Thoughts of manual labor flitted
+      through his mind, but were cast aside as impracticable. Then other means
+      of acquiring property suggested themselves. These thoughts were
+      photographed on the delicate negative of the brain, where it is a rule to
+      preserve all negatives. At night these thoughts were reversed within the
+      think resort, if I may be allowed that term, and muscular action resulted.
+      Yielding at last to the great desire for possessions and property the
+      somnambulist groped his way to the corral of a total stranger, and
+      selecting a choice mule with great dewy eyes and real camel's hair
+      tail, he fled. On and on he pressed, toward the dark, uncertain west, till
+      at last rosy morn clomb the low, outlying hills and gilded the gray
+      outlines of the sage-brush. The coyote slunk back to his home, but the
+      somnambulist did not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He awoke as day dawned, and, when he found himself astride the mule of
+      another, a slight shudder passed the entire length of his frame. He then
+      fully realized that he had made his debut as a somnambulist. He seemed to
+      think that he who starts out to be a somnambulist should never turn back.
+      So he pressed on, while the red sun stepped out into the awful quiet of
+      the dusty waste and gradually moved up into the sky, and slowly added
+      another day to those already filed away in the dark maw of ages.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Night came again at last, and with it other somnambulists similar to the
+      first, only that they were riding on their own beasts. Some somnambulists
+      ride their own animals, while others are content to bestride the steeds of
+      strangers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The man on the anonymous mule halted at last at the mouth of a deep canon.
+      He did so at the request of other somnambulists. Mechanically he got down
+      from the back of the mule and stood under a stunted mountain pine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After awhile he began to ascend the tree by means of his neck. When he had
+      reached the lower branch of the tree he made a few gestures with his feet
+      by a lateral movement of the legs. He made several ineffectual efforts to
+      kick some pieces out of the horizon, and then, after he had gently
+      oscilliated a few times, he assumed a pendent and perpendicular position
+      at right angles with the limb of the tree.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The other somnambulists then took the mule safely back to his corral, and
+      the tragedy of a night was over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The London <i>Post</i> very truly says that where somnambulism can be
+      proved it is a good defense in a criminal action. It was so held in this
+      case.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Various methods are suggested for rousing the somnambulist, such as
+      tickling the feet, for instance; but in all my own experience, I never
+      knew of a more radical or permanent cure than the one so imperfectly given
+      above. It might do in some cases to tickle the feet of a somnambulist
+      discovered in the act of riding away on an anonymous mule, but how could
+      you successfully tickle the soles of his feet while he is standing on
+      them? In such cases, the only true way would be to suspend the
+      somnambulist in such a way as to give free access to the feet from below,
+      and, at the same time, give him a good, wide horizon to kick at.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0120" id="link2H_4_0120"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Modern Architecture.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      It may be premature, perhaps, but I desire to suggest to anyone who may be
+      contemplating the erection of a summer residence for me, as a slight
+      testimonial of his high regard for my sterling worth and symmetrical
+      escutcheon&mdash;a testimonial more suggestive of earnest admiration and
+      warm personal friendship than of great intrinsic value, etc., etc., etc.,
+      that I hope he will not construct it on the modern plan of mental
+      hallucination and morbid delirium tremens peculiar to recent architecture.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course, a man ought not to look a gift house in the gable end, but if
+      my friends don't know me any better than to build me a summer
+      cottage and throw in odd windows that nobody else wanted, and then daub it
+      up with colors they have bought at auction and applied to the house after
+      dark with a shotgun, I think it is time that we had a better
+      understanding.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE ARCHITECT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9327}.jpg" alt="{9327}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9327}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Such a structure does not come within either of the three classes of
+      renaissance. It is neither Florentine, Roman, or Venetian. Any man can
+      originate such a style if he will only drink the right kind of whiskey
+      long enough and then describe the feelings to an amanuensis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Imagine the sensation that one of these modern, sawed-off cottages would
+      create a hundred years from now, if it should survive! But that is
+      impossible. The only cheering feature of the whole matter is that these
+      creatures of a disordered imagination must soon pass away, and the bright
+      sunlight of hard horse sense shine in through the shattered dormers and
+      gables and gnawed-off architecture of the average summer resort.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A friend of mine a few days ago showed me his new house with much pride.
+      He asked me what I thought of it. I told him I liked it first-rate. Then I
+      went home and wept all night. It was my first falsehood.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The house, taken as a whole, looked to me like a skating rink that had
+      started out to make money, and then suddenly changed its mind and resolved
+      to become a tannery. Then ten feet higher it lost all self-respect and
+      blossomed into a full-blown drunk and disorderly, surrounded by the
+      smokestack of a foundry and the bright future of thirty days ahead with
+      the chain gang. That's the way it looked to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The roofs were made of little odds and ends of misfit rafters and
+      distorted shingles that somebody had purchased at a sheriff's sale,
+      and the rooms and stairs were giddy in the extreme.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went in and rambled around among the cross-eyed staircases and other
+      night-mares till reason tottered on her throne. Then I came out and stood
+      on the architectural wart, called the side porch, to get fresh air. This
+      porch was painted a dull red, and it had wooden rosettes at the corners
+      that looked like a new carbuncle on the nose of a social wreck.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Farther up on the demoralized lumber pile I saw, now and then, places
+      where the workman's mind had wandered and he had nailed on his
+      clapboards wrong side up, and then painted them with Paris green that he
+      had intended to use on something else.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was an odd looking structure, indeed. If my friend got all the material
+      for nothing from people who had fragments of paint and lumber left over
+      after they failed, and then if the workmen constructed it of night for
+      mental relaxation and intellectual repose, without charge, of course the
+      scheme was a financial success, but architecturally the house is a gross
+      violation of the statutes in such cases made and provided, and against the
+      peace and dignity of the State.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There is a look of extreme poverty about the structure which a man might
+      struggle for years to acquire and then fail. No one could look upon it
+      without a feeling of heartache for the man who built that house, and
+      probably struggled on year after year, building a little at a time as he
+      could steal the lumber, getting a new workman each year, building a knob
+      here and a protuberance there, putting in a three-cornered window at one
+      point and a yellow tile or a wad of broken glass and other debris at
+      another, patiently filling in around the ranch with any old rubbish that
+      other people had got through with, painting it as he went along, taking
+      what was left in the bottom of the pots after his neighbors had painted
+      their bob-sleds or their tree boxes&mdash;little favors thankfully
+      received&mdash;and then surmounting the whole pile with a potpourri of
+      roof, and grand farewell incubus of humps and hollows for the rain to
+      wander through and seek out the different cells where the lunatics live
+      who inhabit it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I did tell my friend one thing that I thought would improve the looks of
+      his house. He asked me eagerly what it could be. I said it would take a
+      man of great courage to do it for him. He said he didn't care for
+      that. He would do it himself. If it only needed one thing he would never
+      rest till he had it, whatever that might be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I told him that if he had a friend&mdash;one he could trust&mdash;who
+      would steal in there some night while the family were away, and scratch a
+      match on the leg of his breeches, or on the breeches of any other
+      gentleman who happened to be present, and hold it where it would ignite
+      the alleged house, and then remain near there to see that the fire
+      department did not meddle with it, he would confer a great favor on one
+      who would cheerfully retaliate in kind on call.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0121" id="link2H_4_0121"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Letter to a Communist.
+    </h2>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9330}.jpg" alt="{9330}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9330}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir.&mdash;Your courteous letter of the 1st instant, in which you
+      cordially consent to share my wealth and dwell together with me in
+      fraternal sunshine, is duly received. While I dislike to appear cold and
+      distant to one who seems so yearnful and so clinging, and while I do not
+      wish to be regarded as purse-proud or arrogant, I must decline your kind
+      offer to whack up. You had not heard, very likely, that I am not now a
+      Communist. I used to be, I admit, and the society no doubt neglected to
+      strike my name off the roll of active members. For a number of years I was
+      quite active as a Communist. I would have been more active, but I had
+      conscientious scruples against being active in anything then.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While you may be perfectly sincere in your belief that the great
+      capitalists like Mr. Gould and Mr. Vanderbilt should divide with you, you
+      will have great difficulty in making it perfectly clear to them. They will
+      probably demur and delay, and hem and haw, and procrastinate, till finally
+      they will get out of it in some way. Still, I do not wish to throw cold
+      water on your enterprise. If the other capitalists look favorably on the
+      plan, I will cheerfully co-operate with them. You go and see what you can
+      do with Mr. Vanderbilt, and then come to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You go on at some length to tell me how the most of the wealth is in the
+      hands of a few men, and then you attack those men and refer to them in a
+      way that makes my blood run cold. You tell the millionaires of America to
+      beware, for the hot breath of a bloody-handed Nemesis is already in the
+      air.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PRACTICAL COMMUNISM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0331}.jpg" alt="{0331}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0331}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      You may say to Nemesis, if you please, that I have a double-barreled
+      shotgun standing at the head of my bed every night, and that I am in the
+      Nemesis business. You also refer to the fact that the sleuth-hounds of
+      eternal justice are camped on the trail of the pampered millionaire, and
+      you ask us to avaunt. If you see the other sleuth-hounds of your society
+      within a week or two, I wish you would say to them that at a regular
+      meeting of the millionaires of this country, after the minutes of the
+      previous meeting had been read and approved, we voted almost unanimously
+      to discourage any sleuth-hound that we found camped on our trail after ten
+      o'clock, P.M. Sleuth-hounds who want to ramble over our trails
+      during office hours may do so with the utmost impunity, but after ten o'clock
+      we want to use our trails for other purposes. No man wants to go to the
+      great expense of maintaining a trail winter and summer, and then leave it
+      out nights for other people to use and return it when they get ready.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not censure you, however. If you could convince every one of the
+      utility of Communism, it would certainly be a great boon&mdash;to you. To
+      those who are now engaged in feeding themselves with flat beer out of a
+      tomato can, such a change as you suggest would fall like a ray of sunshine
+      in a rat-hole, but alas! it may never be. I tried it awhile, but my
+      efforts were futile. The effect of my great struggle seemed to be that men's
+      hearts grew more and more stony, and my pantaloons got thinner and thinner
+      on the seat, 'till it seemed to me that the world never was so cold.
+      Then I made some experiments in manual labor. As I began to work harder
+      and sit down less, I found that the world was not so cold. It was only
+      when I sat down a long time that I felt how cold and rough the world
+      really was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps it is so with you. Sedentary habits and stale beer are apt to make
+      us morbid. Sitting on the stone door sills of hallways and public
+      buildings during cold weather is apt to give you an erroneous impression
+      of life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course I am willing to put my money into a common fund if I can be
+      convinced that it is best. I was an inside passenger on a Leadville coach
+      some years ago, when a few of your friends suggested that we all put our
+      money into a common fund, and I was almost the first one to see that they
+      were right. They went away into the mountains to apportion the money they
+      got from our party, but I never got any dividend. Probably they lost my
+      post-office address.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0122" id="link2H_4_0122"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Warrior's Oration.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Warriors! We are met here to-day to celebrate the white man's Fourth
+      of July. I do not know what the Fourth of July has done for us that we
+      should remember his birthday, but it matters not. Another summer is on the
+      wane, and so are we. We are the walleyed waners from Wanetown. We have
+      monopolized the wane business of the whole world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Autumn is almost here, and we have not yet gone upon the war path. The
+      pale face came among us with the corn planter and the Desert Land Act, and
+      we bow before him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What does the Fourth of July signify to us? It is a hollow mockery! Where
+      the flag of the white man now waves in the breeze, a few years ago the
+      scalp of our foe was hanging in the air. Now my people are seldom. Some
+      are dead and others drunk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Once we chased the deer and the buffalo across the plains, and lived high.
+      Now we eat the condemned corned beef of the oppressor, and weep over the
+      graves of our fallen braves. A few more moons and I, too, shall cross over
+      to the Happy Reservation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Once I could whoop a couple of times and fill the gulch with warlike
+      athletes. Now I may whoop till the cows come home and only my sickly howl
+      comes back to me from the hillsides. I am as lonely as the greenback
+      party. I haven't warriors enough to carry one precinct.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Where are the proud chieftains of my tribe? Where are Old Weasel Asleep
+      and Orlando the Hie Jacet Promoter? Where are Prickly Ash Berry and The
+      Avenging Wart? Where are The Roman-nosed Pelican and Goggle-eyed Aleck,
+      The-man-who-rides-the-blizzard-bareback?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They are extremely gone. They are extensively whence. Ole Blackhawk, in
+      whose veins flows the blood of many chiefs, is sawing wood for the Belle
+      of the West deadfall for the whiskey. He once rode the war pony into the
+      fray and buried his tomahawk in the phrenology of his foe. Now he
+      straddles the saw-buck and yanks the woodsaw athwart the bosom of the
+      basswood chunk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My people once owned this broad land; but the Pilgrim Fathers (where are
+      they?) came and planted the baked bean and the dried apple, and my tribe
+      vamoosed. Once we were a nation. Now we are the tin can tied to the
+      American eagle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Warriors! This should be a day of jubilee, but how can the man rejoice who
+      has a boil on his nose? How can the chief of a once proud people shoot
+      firecrackers and dance over the graves of his race? How can I be hilarious
+      with the victor, on whose hands are the blood of my children?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If we had known more of the white man, we would have made it red hot for
+      him four hundred years ago when he came to our coast. We fed him and
+      clothed him as a white-skinned curiosity then, but we didn't know
+      there were so many of him. All he wanted then was a little smoking tobacco
+      and love. Now he feeds us on antique pork, and borrows our annuities to
+      build a Queen Anne wigwam with a furnace in the bottom and a piano in the
+      top.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Warriors! My words are few. Tears are idle and unavailing. If I had
+      scalding tears enough for a mill site, I would not shed a blamed one. The
+      warrior suffers, but he never squeals. He accepts the position and says
+      nothing. He wraps his royal horse blanket around his Gothic bones and is
+      silent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But the pale face cannot tickle us with a barley straw on the Fourth of
+      July and make us laugh. You can kill the red man, but you cannot make him
+      hilarious over his own funeral. These are the words of truth, and my
+      warriors will do well to paste them in their plug hats for future
+      reference.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0123" id="link2H_4_0123"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Holy Terror.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      While in New England trying in my poor, weak way to represent the &ldquo;rowdy
+      west,&rdquo; I met a sad young man who asked me if I lived in Chi-eene. I
+      told him that if he referred to Cheyenne, I had been there off and on a
+      good deal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said he was there not long ago, but did not remain. He bought some
+      clothes in Chicago, so that he could appear in Chi-eene as a &ldquo;holy
+      terror&rdquo; when he landed there, and thus in a whole town of &ldquo;holy
+      terrors&rdquo; he would not attract attention.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am not, said he, by birth or instinct, a holy terror, but I thought I
+      would like to try it a little while, anyhow. I got one of those Chicago
+      sombreros with a gilt fried cake twisted around it for a band. Then I got
+      a yellow silk handkerchief on the ten cent counter to tie around my neck.
+      Then I got a suit of smoke-tanned buckskin clothes and a pair of
+      moccasins. I had never seen a bad, bad man from Chi-eene, but I had seen
+      pictures of them and they all wore moccasins. The money that I had left I
+      put into a large revolver and a butcher knife with a red Morocco sheath to
+      it. The revolver was too heavy for me to hold in one hand and shoot, but
+      by resting it on a fence I could kill a cow easy enough if she wasn't
+      too blamed restless.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I went out to the stock yards in Chicago one afternoon and practiced with
+      my revolver. One of my thumbs is out there at the stock yards now.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Omaha I put on my new suit and sent my human clothes home to my father.
+      He told me when I came away that when I got out to Wyoming, probably I
+      wouldn't want to attract attention by wearing clothes, and so I
+      could send my clothes back to him and he would be glad to have them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Sidney I put on my revolver and went into the eating house to get my
+      dinner. A tall man met me at the door and threw me about forty feet in an
+      oblique manner. I asked him if he meant anything personal by that and he
+      said not at all, not at all. I then asked him if he would not allow me to
+      eat my dinner and he said that depended on what I wanted for my dinner. If
+      I would lay down my arms and come back to the reservation and remain
+      neutral to the Government and eat cooked food, it would be all right, but
+      if I insisted on eating raw dining-room girls and scalloped young ladies,
+      he would bar me out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We landed at Chi-eene in the evening. They had hacks and 'busses and
+      carriages till you couldn't rest, all standing there at the depot,
+      and a large colored man in a loud tone of voice remarked: &ldquo;INTEROCEAN
+      HO-TEL!!!!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A REAL COWBOY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0336}.jpg" alt="{0336}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0336}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I went there myself. It had doors and windows to it, and carpets and gas.
+      The young man who showed me to my room was very polite to me. He seemed to
+      want to get acquainted. He said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You are from New Hampshire, are you not?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I told him not to give it away, but I was from New Hampshire. Then I asked
+      him how he knew.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said that several New Hampshire people had been out there that summer,
+      and they had worn the same style of revolver and generally had one thumb
+      done up in a rag. Then he said that if I came from New Hampshire he would
+      show me how to turn off the gas.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He also took my revolver down to the office with him and put it in the
+      safe, because he said someone might get into my room in the night and kill
+      me with it if he left it here. He was a perfect gentleman.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They have a big opera house there in Chi-eene, and while I was there they
+      had the Eyetalian opera singers, Patty and Nevady there. The streets were
+      lit up with electricity, and people seemed to kind of politely look down
+      on me, I thought. Still, they acted as if they tried not to notice my
+      clothes and dime museum hat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They seemed to look at me as if I wasn't to blame for it, and as if
+      they felt sorry for me. If I'd had my United States clothes with me,
+      I could have had a good deal of fun in Chi-eene, going to the opera and
+      the lectures, and concerts, et cetera. But finally I decided to return, so
+      I wrote to my parents how I had been knocked down and garroted, and left
+      for dead with one thumb shot off, and they gladly sent the money to pay
+      funeral expenses.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With this I got a cut-rate ticket home and surprised and horrified my
+      parents by dropping in on them one morning just after prayers. I tried to
+      get there prior to prayers, but was side-tracked by my father's new
+      anti-tramp bull dog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0124" id="link2H_4_0124"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Boston Common and Environs.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Strolling through the Public Garden and the famous Boston Common, the
+      untutored savage from the raw and unpolished West is awed and his wild
+      spirit tamed by the magnificent harmony of nature and art. Everywhere the
+      eye rests upon all that is beautiful in nature, while art has heightened
+      the pleasing effect without having introduced the artistic jim-jams of a
+      lost and undone world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a delightful place through which to stroll in the gray morning while
+      the early worm is getting his just desserts. There, in the midst of a
+      great city, with the hum of industry and the low rumble of the throbbing
+      Boston brain dimly heard in the distance, nature asserts herself, and the
+      weary, sad-eyed stranger may ramble for hours and keep off the grass to
+      his heart's content.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nearly every foot of Boston Common is hallowed by some historical
+      incident. It is filled with reminiscences of a time when liberty was not
+      overdone in this new world, and the tyrant's heel was resting calmly
+      on the neck of our forefathers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the winter of 1775-6, over 110 years ago, as the ready mathematician
+      will perceive, 1,700 redcoats swarmed over Boston Common. Later on the
+      local antipathy to these tourists became so great that they went away.
+      They are still fled. A few of their descendants were there when I visited
+      the Common, but they seemed amicable and did not wear red coats. Their
+      coats this season are made of a large check, with sleeves in it. Their
+      wardrobe generally stands a larger check than their bank account.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fountains in the Common and the Public Garden attract the eye of the
+      stranger, some of them being very beautiful. The Brewer fountain on
+      Flagstaff hill, presented to the city by the late Gardner Brewer, is very
+      handsome. It was cast in Paris, and is a bronze copy of a fountain
+      designed by Lienard of that city. At the base there are figures
+      representing Neptune with his fabled pickerel stabber, life size; also
+      Amphitrite, Acis and Galatea. Surviving relatives of these parties may
+      well feel pleased and gratified over the life-like expression which, the
+      sculptor has so faithfully reproduced.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But the Coggswell fountain is probably the most eccentric squirt, and one
+      which at once rivets the eye of the beholder. I do not know who designed
+      it, but am told that it was modeled by a young man who attended the
+      codfish autopsy at the market daytimes and gave his nights to art.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The fountain proper consists of two metallic bullheads rampart. They stand
+      on their bosoms, with their tails tied together at the top. Their mouths
+      are abnormally distended, and the water gushes forth from their tonsils in
+      a beautiful stream.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The pose of these classical codfish or bullheads is sublime. In the
+      spirited Graeco-Roman tussle which they seem to be having, with their
+      tails abnormally elevated in their artistic catch-as-catch-can or can-can
+      scuffle, the designer has certainly hit upon a unique and beautiful
+      impossibility.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Each bullhead also has a tin dipper chained to his gills, and through the
+      live-long day, till far into the night, he invites the cosmopolitan tramp
+      to come and quench his never-dying thirst.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The frog pond is another celebrated watering place. I saw it in the early
+      part of May, and if there had been any water in it, it would have been a
+      fine sight. Nothing contributes to the success of a pond like water.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I ventured to say to a Boston man that I was a little surprised to find a
+      little frog pond containing neither frogs or pond, but he said I would
+      find it all right if I would call around during office hours.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While sitting on one of the many seats which may be found on the Common
+      one morning, I formed the acquaintance of a pale young man, who asked me
+      if I resided in Boston. I told him that while I felt flattered to think
+      that I could possibly fool anyone, I must admit that I was only a pilgrim
+      and a stranger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said that he was an old resident, and he had often noticed that the
+      people of the Hub always Spoke to a Felloe till he was tired. I afterward
+      learned that he was not an actual resident of Boston, but had just
+      completed his junior year at the State asylum for the insane. He was sent
+      there, it seems, as a confirmed case of unjustifiable Punist. Therefore
+      the governor had Punist him accordingly. This is a specimen of our
+      capitalized joke with Queen Anne do-funny on the corners. We are shipping
+      a great many of them to England this season, where they are greedily
+      snapped up and devoured by the crowned heads. It is a good hot weather
+      joke, devoid of mental strain, perfectly simple and may be laughed at or
+      not without giving the slightest offense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0125" id="link2H_4_0125"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Drunk in a Plug Hat.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      This world is filled with woe everywhere you go. Sorrow is piled up in the
+      fence corners on every road. Unavailing regret and red-nosed remorse
+      inhabit the cot of the tie-chopper as well as the cut-glass cage of the
+      millionaire. The woods are full of disappointment. The earth is convulsed
+      with a universal sob, and the roads are muddy with tears. But I do not
+      call to mind a more touching picture of unavailing misery and ruin, and
+      hopeless chaos, than the plug hat that has endeavored to keep sober and
+      maintain self-respect while its owner was drunk. A plug hat can stand
+      prosperity, and shine forth joyously while nature smiles. That's the
+      place where it seems to thrive. A tall silk hat looks well on a thrifty
+      man with a clean collar, but it cannot stand dissipation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I once knew a plug hat that had been respected by everyone, and had won
+      its way upward by steady endeavor. No one knew aught against it till one
+      evening, in an evil hour, it consented to attend a banquet, and all at
+      once its joyous career ended. It met nothing but distrust and cold neglect
+      everywhere, after that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Drink seems to make a man temporarily unnaturally exhilarated. During that
+      temporary exhilaration he desires to attract attention by eating lobster
+      salad out of his own hat, and sitting down on his neighbor's.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The demon rum is bad enough on the coatings of the stomach, but it is even
+      more disastrous to the tall hat. A man may mix up in a crowd and carry off
+      an overdose of valley tan in a soft hat or a cap, but the silk hat will
+      proclaim it upon the house-tops, and advertise it to a gaping, wondering
+      world. It has a way of getting back on the rear elevation of the head, or
+      over the bridge of the nose, or of hanging coquettishly on one ear, that
+      says to the eagle-eyed public: &ldquo;I am chockfull.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I cannot call to mind a more powerful lecture on temperance, than the
+      silent pantomime of a man trying to hang his plug hat on an invisible peg
+      in his own hall, after he had been watching the returns, a few years ago.
+      I saw that he was excited and nervously unstrung when he came in, but I
+      did not fully realize it until he began to hang his hat on the smooth
+      wall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A POWERFUL LECTURE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8341}.jpg" alt="{8341} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8341}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      At first he laughed in a good-natured way at his awkwardness, and hung it
+      up again carefully; but at last he became irritated about it, and almost
+      forgot himself enough to swear, but controlled himself. Finding, however,
+      that it refused to hang up, and that it seemed rather restless, anyhow, he
+      put it in the corner of the hall with the crown up, pinned it to the floor
+      with his umbrella, and heaved a sigh of relief. Then he took off his
+      overcoat and, through a clerical error, pulled off his dress-coat also. I
+      showed him his mistake and offered to assist him back into his apparel,
+      but he said he hadn't got so old and feeble yet that he couldn't
+      dress himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Later on he came into the parlor, wearing a linen ulster with the belt
+      drooping behind him like the broken harness hanging to a shipwrecked and
+      stranded mule. His wife looked at him in a way that froze his blood. This
+      startled him so that he stepped back a pace or two, tangled his feet in
+      his surcingle, clutched wildly at the empty gas-light, but missed it and
+      sat down in a tall majolica cuspidor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were three games of whist going on when he fell, and there was a
+      good deal of excitement over the playing, but after he had been pulled out
+      of the American tear jug and led away, everyone of the twelve
+      whist-players had forgotten what the trump was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They say that he has abandoned politics since then, and that now he don't
+      care whether we have any more November elections or not. I asked him once
+      if he would be active during the next campaign, as usual, and he said he
+      thought not. He said a man couldn't afford to be too active in a
+      political campaign. His constitution wouldn't stand it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At that time he didn't care much whether the American people had a
+      president or not. If every public-spirited voter had got to work himself
+      up into a state of nervous excitability and prostration where reason
+      tottered on its throne, he thought that we needed a reform.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Those who wished to furnish reasons to totter on their thrones for the
+      National Central Committee at so much per tot, could do so; he, for one,
+      didn't propose to farm out his immortal soul and plug hat to the
+      party, if sixty million people had to stand four years under the
+      administration of a setting hen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0126" id="link2H_4_0126"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Spring.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Spring is now here. It has been here before, but not so much so, perhaps,
+      as it is this year. In spring the buds swell up and bust. The &ldquo;violets&rdquo;
+      bloom once more, and the hired girl takes off the double windows and the
+      storm door. The husband and father puts up the screen doors, so as to fool
+      the annual fly when he tries to make his spring debut. The husband and
+      father finds the screen doors and windows in the gloaming of the garret.
+      He finds them by feeling them in the dark with his hands. He finds the
+      rafters, also, with his head. When he comes down, he brings the screens
+      and three new intellectual faculties sticking out on his brow like the
+      button on a barn door.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spring comes with joyous laugh, and song, and sunshine, and the burnt
+      sacrifice of the over-ripe boot and the hoary overshoe. The cowboy and the
+      new milch cow carol their roundelay. So does the veteran hen. The common
+      egg of commerce begins to come forth into the market at a price where it
+      can be secured with a step-ladder, and all nature seems tickled.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are four seasons&mdash;spring, summer, autumn and winter. Spring is
+      the most joyful season of the year. It is then that the green grass and
+      the lavender pants come forth. The little robbins twitter in the branches,
+      and the horny-handed farmer goes joyously afield to till the soil till the
+      cows come home.&mdash;<i>Virgil</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We all love the moist and fragrant spring. It is then that the sunlight
+      waves beat upon the sandy coast, and the hand-maiden beats upon the sandy
+      carpet. The man of the house pulls tacks out of himself and thinks of days
+      gone by, when you and I were young, Maggie. Who does not leap and sing in
+      his heart when the dandelion blossoms in the low lands, and the tremulous
+      tail of the lambkin agitates the balmy air?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lawns begin to look like velvet and the lawn-mower begins to warm its
+      joints and get ready for the approaching harvest. The blue jay fills the
+      forest with his classical and extremely <i>au revoir</i> melody, and the
+      curculio crawls out of the plum-tree and files his bill. The plow-boy puts
+      on his father's boots and proceeds to plow up the cunning little
+      angle worm. Anon, the black-bird alights on the swaying reeds, and the
+      lightning-rod man alights on the farmer with great joy and a new rod that
+      can gather up all the lightning in two States and put it in a two-gallon
+      jug for future use.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Who does not love spring, the most joyful season of the year? It is then
+      that the spring bonnet of the workaday world crosses the earth's
+      orbit and makes the bank account of the husband and father look fatigued.
+      The low shoe and the low hum of the bumble-bee are again with us. The
+      little striped hornet heats his nose with a spirit lamp and goes forth
+      searching for the man with the linen pantaloons. All nature is full of
+      life and activity. So is the man with the linen pantaloons. Anon, the
+      thrush will sing in the underbrush, and the prima donna will do up her
+      voice in a red-flannel rag and lay it away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I go now into my cellar to bring out the gladiola bulb and the homesick
+      turnip of last year. Do you see the blue place on my shoulder? That is
+      where I struck when I got to the foot of the cellar stairs. The gladiola
+      bulbs are looking older than when I put them away last fall. I fear me
+      they will never again bulge forth. They are wrinkled about the eyes and
+      there are lines of care upon them. I could squeeze along two years without
+      the gladiola and the oleander in the large tub. If I should give my little
+      boy a new hatchet and he should cut down my beautiful oleander, I would
+      give him a bicycle and a brass band and a gold-headed cane.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  O spring, spring,
+  You giddy young thing.{1}
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      {Footnote 1: From poems of passion and one thing another, by the author of
+      this sketch.}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0127" id="link2H_4_0127"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Duke of Rawhide.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I believe I've got about the most instinct bulldog in the
+      United States,&rdquo; said Cayote Van Gobb yesterday. &ldquo;Other pups
+      may show cuteness and cunning, you know, but my dog, the Duke of Rawhide
+      Buttes, is not only generally smart, but he keeps up with the times. He's
+      not only a talented cuss, but his genius is always fresh and original.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What are some of his specialties, Van?&rdquo; said I.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, there's a good many of 'em, fust and last. He never
+      seems to be content with the achievements that please other dogs. You
+      watch him and you'll see that his mind is active all the time. When
+      he is still he's working up some scheme or another, that he will
+      ripen and fructify later on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;For three year's I've had a watermelon patch and run it
+      with more or less success, I reckon. The Duke has tended to 'em
+      after they got ripe, and I was going to say that it kept his hands pretty
+      busy to do it, but, to be more accurate, I should say that it kept his
+      mouth full. Hardly a night after the melons got ripe and in the dark of
+      the moon, but the Dude would sample a cowboy or a sheep-herder from the
+      lower Poudre. Watermelons were generally worth ten cents a pound along the
+      Union Pacific for the first two weeks, and a fifty-pounder was worth $5.
+      That made it an object to keep your melons, for in a good year you could
+      grow enough on ten acres to pay off the national debt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, to return to my subject. Duke would sleep days during the
+      season and gather fragments of the rear breadths of Western pantaloons at
+      night. One morning Duke had a piece of fancy cassimere in his teeth that I
+      tried to pry out and preserve, so that I could identify the owner,
+      perhaps, but he wouldn't give it up. I coaxed him and lammed him
+      across the face and eyes with an old board, but he wouldn't give it
+      to me. Then I watched him. I've been watchin' him ever since.
+      He took all these fragments of goods I found, over into the garret above
+      the carriage shed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yesterday I went in there and took a lantern with me. There on the
+      floor the Duke of Rawhide had arranged all the samples of Rocky Mountain
+      pantaloons with a good deal of taste, and I don't suppose you'd
+      believe it, but that blamed pup is collecting all these little scraps to
+      make himself a crazy quilt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You can talk about instinct in animals, but, so far as the Duke of
+      Rawhide Buttes is concerned, it seems to me more like all-wool genius a
+      yard wide.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0346}.jpg" alt="{0346}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0346}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0128" id="link2H_4_0128"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Etiquette at Hotels.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Etiquette at hotels is a subject that has been but lightly treated upon by
+      our modern philosophy, and yet it is a subject that lies very near to
+      every American heart. Had I not already more reforms on hand than I can
+      possibly successfully operate I would gladly use my strong social
+      influence and trenchant pen in that direction. Etiquette at hotels, both
+      on the part of the proprietor, and his hirelings, and the guest, is a
+      matter that calls loudly for improvement.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The hotel waiter alone, would well repay a close study. From the tardy and
+      polished loiterer of the effete East, to the off-hand and social equal of
+      the budding West, all waiters are deserving of philosophical scrutiny. I
+      was thrown in contact with a waiter in New York last summer, whose manners
+      were far more polished than my own. Every time I saw him standing there
+      with his immediate pantaloons and swallow-tail coat, and the far-away,
+      chastened look of one who had been unfortunate, but not crushed, I felt
+      that I was unworthy to be waited upon by such a blue-blooded thoroughbred,
+      and I often wished that we had more such men in Congress. And when he
+      would take my order and go away with it, and after the meridian of my life
+      had softened into the mellow glory of the sere and yellow leaf, when he
+      came back, still looking quite young, and never having forgotten me,
+      recognizing me readily after the long, dull, desolate years, I was glad,
+      and I felt that he deserved something more than mere empty thanks and I
+      said to him: &ldquo;Ah, sir, you still remember me after years of
+      privation and suffering. When every one else in New York has forgotten me,
+      with the exception of the confidence man, you came to me with the glad
+      light of recognition in your clear eye. Would you be offended if I gave
+      you this trifling testimonial of my regard?&rdquo; at the same time giving
+      him my note at thirty days.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wanted him to have something by which to always remember me, and I guess
+      he has.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Speaking of waiters, reminds me of one at Glendive, Montana. We had to
+      telegraph ahead in order to get a place to sleep, and when we registered
+      the landlord shoved out an old double-entry journal for us to record our
+      names and postoffice address in. The office was the bar and before we
+      could get our rooms assigned us, we had to wait forty-five minutes for the
+      landlord to collect pay for thirteen drinks and lick a personal friend.
+      Finally, when he got around to me, he told me that I could sleep in the
+      night bar-tender's bed, as he would be up all night, and might
+      possibly get killed and never need it again, anyhow. It would cost me $4
+      cash in advance to sleep one night in the bartender's bed, he said,
+      and the house was so blamed full that he and his wife had got to wait till
+      things kind of quieted down, and then they would have to put a mattress on
+      the 15 ball pool table and sleep there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I called attention to my valuable valise that had been purchased at great
+      cost, and told him that he would be safe to keep that behind the bar till
+      I paid; but he said he wasn't in the second-hand valise business,
+      and so I paid in advance. It was humiliating, but he had the edge on me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the tea table I noticed that the waiter was a young man who evidently
+      had not been always thus. He had the air of one who yearns to have some
+      one tread on the tail of his coat. Meekness, with me, is one of my
+      characteristics. It is almost a passion. It is the result of personal
+      injuries received in former years at the hands of parties who excelled me
+      in brute force and who succeeded in drawing me out in conversation, as it
+      were, till I made remarks that were injudicious.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I did not disagree with this waiter, although I had grounds. When he
+      came around and snorted in my ear, &ldquo;Salt pork, antelope and cold
+      beans,&rdquo; at the same time leaning his full weight on my back, while
+      he evaded the revenue laws by retailing his breath to the guests without a
+      license, I thought I would call for what he had the most of, so I said if
+      he didn't mind and it wouldn't be too much trouble, I would
+      take cold beans.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will leave it to the calm, impassionate and unpartisan reader to state
+      whether that remark ought to create ill-feeling. I do not think it ought.
+      However, he was irritable, and life to him seemed to be cold and dark. So
+      he went to the general delivery window that led into the cold bean
+      laboratory, and remarked in a hoarse, insolent, and ironical tone of
+      voice:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Nother damned suspicious looking character wants cold beans.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0129" id="link2H_4_0129"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Fifteen Years Apart.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The American Indian approximates nearer to what man should be&mdash;manly,
+      physically perfect, grand in character, and true to the instincts of his
+      conscience&mdash;than any other race of beings, civilized or uncivilized.
+      Where do we hear such noble sentiments or meet with such examples of
+      heroism and self-sacrifice as the history of the American Indian
+      furnishes? Where shall we go to hear again such oratory as that of Black
+      Hawk and Logan? Certainly the records of our so-called civilization do not
+      furnish it, and the present century is devoid of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      They were the true children of the Great Spirit. They lived nearer to the
+      great heart of the Creator than do their pale-faced conquerors of to-day
+      who mourn over the lost and undone condition of the savage. Courageous,
+      brave and the soul of honor, their cruel and awful destruction from the
+      face of the earth is a sin of such magnitude that the relics and the
+      people of America may well shrink from the just punishment which is sure
+      to follow the assassination of as brave a race as ever breathed the air of
+      Heaven.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: AT FIFTEEN.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8349}.jpg" alt="{8349} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8349}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I wrote the above scathing rebuke of the American people when I was 15
+      years of age. I ran across the dissertation yesterday. As a general rule,
+      it takes a youth 15 years of age to arraign Congress and jerk the
+      administration bald-headed. The less he knows about things generally, the
+      more cheerfully will he shed information right and left.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At the time I wrote the above crude attack upon the government, I had not
+      seen any Indians, but I had read much. My blood boiled when I thought of
+      the wrongs which our race had meted out to the red man. It was at the time
+      when my blood was just coming to a boil that I penned the above paragraph.
+      Ten years later I had changed my views somewhat, relative to the Indian,
+      and frankly wrote to the government of the change. When I am doing the
+      administration an injustice, and I find it out, I go to the president
+      candidly, and say: &ldquo;Look here, Mr. President, I have been doing you
+      a wrong. You were right and I was erroneous. I am not pig-headed and
+      stubborn. I just admit fairly that I have been hindering the
+      administration, and I do not propose to do so any more.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I wrote to Gen. Grant and told him that when I was 15 years of age I
+      wrote a composition at school in which I had arraigned the people and the
+      administration for the course taken toward the Indians. Since that time I
+      had seen some Indians in the mountains&mdash;at a distance&mdash;and from
+      what I had seen of them I was led to believe that I had misjudged the
+      people and the executive. I told him that so far as possible I would like
+      to repair the great wrong so done in the ardor of youth and to once more
+      sustain the arm of the government.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He wrote me kindly and said he was glad that I was friendly with the
+      government again, and that now he saw nothing in the way of continued
+      national prosperity. He said he would preserve my letter in the archives
+      as a treaty of peace between myself and the nation. He said only the day
+      before he had observed to the cabinet that he didn't care two cents
+      about a war with foreign nations, but he would like to be on a peace
+      footing with me. The country could stand outside interference better than
+      intestine hostility. I do not know whether he meant anything personal by
+      that or not. Probably not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said he remembered very well when he first heard that I had attacked
+      the Indian policy of the United States in one of my school essays. He
+      still called to mind the feeling of alarm and apprehension which at that
+      time pervaded the whole country. How the cheeks of strong men had blanched
+      and the Goddess of Liberty felt for her back hair and exchanged her Mother
+      Hubbard dress for a new cast-iron panoply of war and Roman hay knife. Oh,
+      yes, he said, he remembered it as though it had been yesterday.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Having at heart the welfare of the American people as he did, he hoped
+      that I would never attack the republic again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And I never have. I have been friendly, not only personally, but
+      officially, for a good while. Even if I didn't agree with some of
+      the official acts of the president I would allow him to believe that I did
+      rather than harass him with cold, cruel and adverse criticism. The
+      abundant success of this policy is written in the country's
+      wonderful growth and prosperous peace.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0130" id="link2H_4_0130"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Dessicated Mule.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The red-eyed antagonist of truth is not found alone in the ranks of the
+      newspaper phalanx. You run up against him in all walks of life. He
+      flourishes in all professions, and he is ready at all times to entertain.
+      There is quite a difference between a malicious falsehood and the
+      different shades of parables, fables with a moral, Sabbath-school books,
+      newspaper sketches, and anecdotes told to entertain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A malicious lie is injurious personally. A business lie is a falsehood for
+      revenue only. But the yarns that are spun around camp-fires, in mining and
+      logging camps, to while away a dull evening, are not within the
+      jurisdiction of the criminal code or the home missionary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the train, yesterday several old lumbermen were telling about hard
+      roads and steep hills, engineering skill and so forth. Finally they told
+      about &ldquo;snubbing&rdquo; a loaded team down bad hills, and one man
+      said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You might 'snub' down a cheap hill, but you couldn't
+      do it on our road. We tried it. Couldn't do a thing. Finally we got
+      to building snow-sheds and hauling sand. You build a snow-shed that covers
+      the grade, then fill the road in with two feet of loose sand, and you're
+      O.K. We did that last winter, and when you drive a four-horse load of logs
+      down through them long snow-sheds on bare ground, mind ye, and the bobs go
+      plowing through the sand, the sled-shoes will make the fire fly so that
+      you can read the President's message at midnight.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then an old man who went to Pike's Peak during the excitement and
+      returned afterward, woke up and yawned two or three times, and said they
+      used to have some trouble, a good many years ago getting over the range
+      where the South Park road now goes from Chalk Creek Canon through Alpine
+      Tunnel to the Gunnison.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We tried 'snubbing' and everything we could think of,
+      but it was N.G.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Finally we got hold of a new kind of 'snub' that worked
+      pretty well. We had a long table made a-purpose, that would reach to the
+      foot of the hill from the top, and we'd tie a three-ton load to the
+      end at the top of the hill; then we would hitch six mules to the end at
+      the foot of the hill. Well, the principle of the thing was, that as the
+      load went down on the Gunnison side it would pull the mules up the
+      opposite side, tails first.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How did it work?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, it worked all right if the mules and the load balanced; but one
+      day we put on a light mule named Emma Abbott, and the load got a start
+      down the Gunnison side that made that old cable sing. The wagon tipped
+      over and concussed a keg of blasting powder, and that obliterated the rest
+      of the goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But the air on the other side was full of mules. You ought to seen
+      'em come up that hill!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It takes considerable of a crisis to affect the natural reserve of
+      six mules; but when they saw how it was, they backed up that mountain with
+      great enthusiasm. They didn't touch the ground but once in three
+      thousand feet, but they struck the canopy of heaven several times.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;When the sky cleared up, we made a careful inventory of the stock.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We had a second-hand three-inch cable and some desiccated mule. We
+      never went to look for the wagon; but when the weather got warm, the
+      Coyotes helped us find Emma Abbott.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;She was hanging by the ear in the crotch of an old hemlock tree.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Life was extinct.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We found a few more of the mules, but they were fractional.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Emma Abbott was the only complete mule we found.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0131" id="link2H_4_0131"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Time's Changes.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I fixed myself and went out trout fishing on the only original
+      Kinnickinnick river last week. It was a kind of Rip Van Winkle picnic and
+      farewell moonlight excursion home. I believe that Rip Van Winkle, however,
+      confined himself to hunting mostly with an old musket that was on the
+      retired list when Rip took his sleepy drink on the Catskills. If he could
+      have gone with me fishing last week over the old trail, digging
+      angle-worms at the same old place where I left the spade sticking in the
+      grim soil twenty years ago&mdash;if we could have waded down the
+      Kinnickinnick together with high rubber boots on, and got nibbles and
+      bites at the same places, and found the same old farmers with nearly a
+      quarter of a century added to their lives and glistening in their hair, we
+      would have had fun no doubt on that day, and a headache on the day
+      following. This affords me an opportunity to say that trout may be caught
+      successfully without a corkscrew. I have tried it. I've about
+      decided that the main reason why so many large lies are told about the
+      number of trout caught all over the country, is that at the moment the
+      sportsman pulls his game out of the water, he labors under some kind of an
+      optical illusion, by reason of which he sees about nine trout where he
+      ought to see only one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish I had as many dollars as I have soaked deceased angle-worms in that
+      same beautiful Kinnickinnick. There was a little stream made into it that
+      we called Tidd's creek. It is still there. This stream runs across
+      Tidd's farm, and Tidd twenty years ago wouldn't allow anybody
+      to fish in the creek. I can still remember how his large hand used to
+      feel, as he caught me by the nape of the neck and threw me over the fence
+      with my amateur fishing tackle and a willow &ldquo;stringer&rdquo; with
+      eleven dried, stiff trout on it. Last week I thought I would try Tidd's
+      creek again. It was always a good place to fish, and I felt the same old
+      excitement, with just enough vague forebodings in it to make it pleasant.
+      Still, I had grown a foot or so since I used to fish there, and perhaps I
+      could return the compliment by throwing the old gentleman over his own
+      fence, and then hiss in his ear &ldquo;R-r-r-r-e-v-e-n-g-e!!!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: I BECAME MORE FEARLESS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0354}.jpg" alt="{0354}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0354}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I had got pretty well across the &ldquo;lower forty&rdquo; and had about
+      decided that Tidd had been gathered to his fathers, when I saw him coming
+      with his head up like a steer in the corn. Tidd is a blacksmith by trade,
+      and he has an arm with hair on it that looks like Jumbo's hind leg.
+      I felt the same old desire to climb the fence and be alone. I didn't
+      know exactly how to work it. Then I remembered how people had remarked
+      that I had changed very much in twenty years, and that for a homely boy I
+      had grown to be a remarkably picturesque-looking man. I trusted to Tidd's
+      failing eyesight and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How are you?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said, &ldquo;How are you?&rdquo; That did not answer my question, but I
+      didn't mind a little thing like that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then he said: &ldquo;I sposed that every pesky fool in this country knew I
+      don't allow fishing on my land.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That may be,&rdquo; says I, &ldquo;but I ain't fishing on
+      your land. I always fish in a damp place if I can. Moreover, how do I know
+      this is your land? Carrying the argument still further, and admitting that
+      every peesky fool knows that you didn't allow fishing here, I am not
+      going to be called a pesky fool with impunity, unless you do it over my
+      dead body.&rdquo; He stopped about ten rods away and I became more
+      fearless. &ldquo;I don't know who you are,&rdquo; said I, as I took
+      off my coat and vest and piled them up on my fish basket, eager for the
+      fray. &ldquo;You claim to own this farm, but it is my opinion that you are
+      the hired man, puffed up with a little authority. You can't order me
+      off this ground till you show me a duly certified abstract of title and
+      then identify yourself. What protection does a gentleman have if he is to
+      be kicked and cuffed about by Tom, Dick and Harry, claiming they own the
+      whole State. Get out! Avaunt! If you don't avaunt pretty quick I'll
+      scrap you and sell you to a medical college.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He stood in dumb amazement a moment, then he said he would go and get his
+      deed and his shotgun. I said shotguns suited me exactly, and I told him to
+      bring two of them loaded with giant powder and barbed wire. I would not
+      live alway. I asked not to stay. When he got behind the corn-crib I
+      climbed the fence and fled with my ill-gotten gains.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The blacksmith in his prime may lick the small boy, but twenty years
+      changes their relative positions. Possibly Tidd could tear up the ground
+      with me now, but in ten more years, if I improve as fast as he fails, I
+      shall fish in that same old stream again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0132" id="link2H_4_0132"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Letter From New York.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Dear friend.&mdash;Being Sunday, I take an hour to write you a letter in
+      regard to this place. I came here yesterday without attracting undue
+      attention from people who lived here. If they was surprised, they
+      concealed it from me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I've camped out on the Chug years ago, and went to sleep with no
+      live thing near me except my own pony, and woke up with the early song of
+      the coyote, and have been on the lonesome plain for days where it seemed
+      to me that a hostile would be mighty welcome if he would only say
+      something to me, but I was never so lonesome as I was here in this big
+      town last night, although it is the most thick settled place I was ever
+      at.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was so kind of low and depressed that I strolled in to the bar at last,
+      allowing that I could pound on the counter and call up the boys and get
+      acquainted a little with somebody, just as I would at Col. Luke Murrin's,
+      at Cheyenne; but when I waved to the other parties, and told them to rally
+      round the foaming beaker, they apologized, and allowed they had just been
+      to dinner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just been to dinner, and there it was pretty blamed near dark! Then I
+      asked 'em to take a cigar, but they mostly cackillated they had no
+      occasion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was mad, but what could I do? They was too many for me, and I couldn't
+      coerce the white livered aristocratic mob, for quicker'n scat they
+      could have hollored into a little cupboard they had there in the corner,
+      and in less'n two minits they'd of had the whole police
+      department and the hook and ladder company down there after me with a
+      torch-light procession.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I swallowed my wrath and a tame drink of cultivated whiskey with Apollo
+      Belvidere on the side, and went out into the auditorium of the hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here I was very unhappy, being, as the editor of the Green River <i>Gazette</i>
+      would say, &ldquo;the cynosure of all eyes.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would rather not be a cynosure, even at a good salary; so I thought I
+      would ask the proprietor to build a fire in my room. I went up to the
+      recorder's office, where the big hotel autograft album is, and asked
+      to see the proprietor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A good-looking young man came forward and asked me what he could do for
+      me. I said if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I wisht he would
+      build a little fire in my room, and I would pay him for it; or, if he
+      would show me where the woodpile was, I would build the fire myself&mdash;I
+      wasn't doing anything special at that time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He then whistled through his teeth and crooked his finger in a shrill tone
+      of voice to a young party who was working for him, and told him to &ldquo;build
+      a fire in four-ought-two.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then sat down in the auditorium and read out of a railroad tract, which
+      undertook to show that a party that undertook to ride over a rival road,
+      must do so because life was a burden to him, and facility, and comfort,
+      and safety, and such things no object whatever. But still I was very
+      lonely, and felt as if I was far, far away from home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I couldn't have been more uncomfortable if I'd been a young
+      man I saw twenty-five years ago on the old overland trail. He had gone out
+      to study the Indian character, and to win said Indian to the fold. When I
+      next saw him he was twenty miles farther on. He had been thrown in contact
+      with said Indian in the meantime. I judged he had been making a collection
+      of Indian arrows. He was extremely no more. He looked some like Saint
+      Sebastian, and some like a toothpick-holder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was never successfully lost on the plains, and so I started out after
+      supper to find my room. I found a good many other rooms, and tried to get
+      into them, but I did not find four-ought-two till a late hour; then I
+      subsidized the night patrol on the third floor to assist me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This is a nice place to stop, but it is a little too rich for my blood, I
+      guess Not so much as regards price, but I can see that I am beginning to
+      excite curiosity among the boarders. People are coming here to board just
+      because I am here, and it is disagreeable. I do not court notoriety. I
+      have always lived in a plain way, and I would give a dollar if people
+      would look the other way while I eat my pie.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours truly,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      E.O.D.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To E. Wm. Nye, Esq.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.S.&mdash;This is not a dictated letter. I left my stenograffer and
+      revolver at Pumpkin Buttes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      E.O.D.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0133" id="link2H_4_0133"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Crowns and Crowned Heads.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the hot weather very few crowns are worn this season, and a few
+      hints as to the care of the crown itself may not be out of place.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The crown should not be carelessly hung on the hat rack in the royal hall
+      for the flies to roost upon, but it should be thoroughly cleaned and put
+      away as soon as the weather becomes too hot to wear it comfortably.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Great care should be used in cleaning a gold-plated crown, to avoid
+      wearing out the plate. Take a good stiff tooth brush, with a little
+      soapsuds, and clean the crown thoroughly at first, drying it on a clean
+      towel and taking care not to drop it on the floor and thus knock the
+      moss-agate diadem loose. Next, get a sleeve of the royal undershirt, or,
+      in case you can not procure one readily, the sleeve of a duke or
+      right-bower may be used. Soak this in vinegar, and, with a coat of
+      whiting, polish the crown thoroughly, wrap it in cotton-flannel and put in
+      the bureau. Sometimes, the lining of the crown becomes saturated with
+      hair-oil from constant use and needs cleaning. In such cases the lining
+      may be removed, boiled in concentrated lye two hours, or until tender, and
+      then placed on the grass to bleach in the sun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Most crowns are size six-and-seven-eights, and they are therefore
+      frequently too large for the number six head of royalty. In such cases a
+      newspaper may be folded lengthwise and laid inside the sweat-band of the
+      crown, thus reducing the size and preventing any accident by which his or
+      her majesty might lose the crown in the coal-bin while doing chores.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the Fourth of July and other royal holidays, this newspaper may be
+      removed, and the crown will be found none too large for the imperial dome
+      of thought.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sceptres may be cleaned and wrapped in woolen goods during the hot months.
+      The leg of an old pair of pantaloons makes a good retort to run a sceptre
+      into while not in use. Never try to kill flies or drive carpet tacks with
+      the sceptre. It is an awkward tool at best, and you might 'easily
+      knock a thumb nail loose. Great care should also be taken of the royal
+      robe. Do not use it for a lap robe while dining, nor sleep in it at night.
+      Nothing looks more repugnant than a king on the throne, with little white
+      feathers all over his robe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is equally bad taste to govern a kingdom in a maroon robe with white
+      horse hairs all over it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: A HARD-WORKING MONARCH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0359}.jpg" alt="{0359}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0359}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I once knew a king who invariably curried his horses in his royal robes;
+      and if the steeds didn't stand around to suit him, he would ever and
+      anon welt them in the pit of the stomach with his cast-iron sceptre. It
+      was greatly to the interest of his horses not to incur the royal
+      displeasure, as the reader has no doubt already surmised.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The robe of the king should only be worn while his majesty is on the
+      throne. When he comes down at night, after his day's work, and goes
+      out after his coal and kindling-wood, he may take off his robe, roll it up
+      carefully, and stick it under the throne, where it will be out of sight.
+      Nothing looks more untidy than a fat king milking a bobtail cow in a
+      Mother Hubbard robe trimmed with imitation ermine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0134" id="link2H_4_0134"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      My Physician.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      {An Open Letter.}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear Sir: I have seen recently an open letter addressed to me, and written
+      by you in a vein of confidence and strictly sub rosa. What you said was so
+      strictly confidential, in fact, that you published the letter in New York,
+      and it was copied through the press of the country. I shall, therefore,
+      endeavor to be equally careful in writing my reply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You refer in your kind and confidential note to your experience as an
+      invalid, and your rapid recovery after the use of red-hot Mexican pepper
+      tea in a molten state.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But you did not have such a physician as I did when I had spinal
+      meningitis. He was a good doctor for horses and blind staggers, but he was
+      out of his sphere when he strove to fool with the human frame. Change of
+      scene and rest were favorite prescriptions of his. Most of his patients
+      got both, especially eternal rest. He made a specialty of eternal rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He did not know what the matter was with me, but he seemed to be willing
+      to learn.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife says that while he was attending me I was as crazy as a loon, but
+      that I was more lucid than the physician. Even with my little, shattered
+      wreck of mind, tottering between a superficial knowledge of how to pound
+      sand and a wide, shoreless sea of mental vacuity, I still had the edge on
+      my physician, from an intellectual point of view. He is still practicing
+      medicine in a quiet kind of way, weary of life, and yet fearing to die and
+      go where his patients are.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had a sabre wound on one cheek that gave him a ferocious appearance. He
+      frequently alluded to how he used to mix up in the carnage of battle, and
+      how he used to roll up his pantaloons and wade in gore. He said that if
+      the tocsin of war should sound even now, or if he were to wake up in the
+      night and hear war's rude alarum, he would spring to arms and make
+      tyranny tremble till its suspender buttons fell off.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Oh, he was a bad man from Bitter Creek.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day I learned from an old neighbor that this physician did not have
+      anything to do with preserving the Union intact, but that he acquired the
+      scar on his cheek while making some experiments as a drunk and disorderly.
+      He would come and sit by my bedside for hours, waiting for this mortality
+      to put on immortality, so that he could collect his bill from the estate,
+      but one day I arose during a temporary delirium, and extracting a slat
+      from my couch I smote him across the pit of the stomach with it, while I
+      hissed through my clenched teeth:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Physician, heal thyself.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8361}.jpg" alt="{8361} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8361}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I then tottered a few minutes, and fell back into the arms of my
+      attendants. If you do not believe this, I can still show you the clenched
+      teeth. Also the attendants.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had a hard time with this physician, but I still live, contrary to his
+      earnest solicitations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I desire to state that should this letter creep into the press of the
+      country, and thus become in a measure public, I hope that it will create
+      no ill-feeling on your part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Our folks are all well as I write, and should you happen to be on Lake
+      Superior this winter, yachting, I hope you will drop in and see us. Our
+      latch string is hanging out most all the time, and if you will pound on
+      the fence I will call off the dog.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I frequently buy a copy of your paper on the streets. Do you get the
+      money?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Are you acquainted with the staff of <i>The Century</i>, published in New
+      York? I was in <i>The Century</i> office several hours last spring, and
+      the editors treated me very handsomely, but, although I have bought the
+      magazine ever since, and read it thoroughly, I have not seen yet where
+      they said that &ldquo;they had a pleasant call from the genial and urbane
+      William Nye.&rdquo; I do not feel offended over this. I simply feel hurt.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Before that I had a good notion to write a brief epic on the &ldquo;Warty
+      Toad,&rdquo; and send it to <i>The Century</i> for publication, but now it
+      is quite doubtful.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>The Century</i> may be a good paper, but it does not take the press
+      dispatches, and only last month I saw in it an account of a battle that to
+      my certain knowledge occurred twenty years ago.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0135" id="link2H_4_0135"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      All About Oratory.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Twenty centuries ago last Christmas there was born in Attica, near Athens,
+      the father of oratory, the greatest orator of whom history has told us.
+      His name was Demosthenes. Had he lived until this spring he would have
+      been 2,270 years old; but he did not live. Demosthenes has crossed the
+      mysterious river. He has gone to that bourne whence no traveler returns.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Most of you, no doubt, have heard about it. On those who may not have
+      heard it, the announcement will fall with a sickening thud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This sketch is not intended to cast a gloom over your hearts. It was
+      designed to cheer those who read it and make them glad they could read.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Therefore, I would have been glad if I could have spared them the pain
+      which this sudden breaking of the news of the death of Demosthenes will
+      bring. But it could not be avoided. We should remember the transitory
+      nature of life, and when we are tempted to boast of our health, and
+      strength, and wealth, let us remember the sudden and early death of
+      Demosthenes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Demosthenes was not born an orator. He struggled hard and failed many
+      times. He was homely, and he stammered in his speech; but before his death
+      they came to him for hundreds of miles to get him to open their county
+      fairs and jerk the bird of freedom bald-headed on the Fourth of July.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When Demosthenes' father died, he left fifteen talents to be divided
+      between Demosthenes and his sister. A talent is equal to about $1,000. I
+      often wish I had been born a little more talented.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Demosthenes had a short breath, a hesitating speech, and his manners were
+      very ungraceful. To remedy his stammering, he filled his mouth full of
+      pebbles and howled his sentiments at the angry sea. However, Plutarch says
+      that Demosthenes made a gloomy fizzle of his first speech. This did not
+      discourage him. He finally became the smoothest orator in that country,
+      and it was no uncommon thing for him to fill the First Baptist Church of
+      Athens full. There are now sixty of his orations extant, part of them
+      written by Demosthenes and part of them written by his private secretary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he started in, he was gentle, mild and quiet in his manner; but later
+      on, carrying his audience with him, he at last became enthusiastic. He
+      thundered, he roared, he whooped, he howled, he jarred the windows, he
+      sawed the air, he split the horizon with his clarion notes, he tipped over
+      the table, kicked the lamps out of the chandeliers and smashed the big
+      bass viol over the chief fiddler's head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Oh, Demosthenes was business when he got started. It will be a long time
+      before we see another off-hand speaker like Demosthenes, and I, for one,
+      have never been the same man since I learned of his death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Such was the first of orators,&rdquo; says Lord Brougham. &ldquo;At
+      the head of all the mighty masters of speech, the adoration of ages has
+      consecrated his place, and the loss of the noble instrument with which he
+      forged and launched his thunders, is sure to maintain it unapproachable
+      forever.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have always been a great admirer of the oratory of Demosthenes, and
+      those who have heard both of us, think there is a certain degree of
+      similarity in our style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And not only did I admire Demosthenes as an orator, but as a man; and,
+      though I am no Vanderbilt, I feel as though I would be willing to head a
+      subscription list for the purpose of doing the square thing by his
+      sorrowing wife, if she is left in want, as I understand that she is.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I must now leave Demosthenes and pass on rapidly to speak of Patrick
+      Henry.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Henry was the man who wanted liberty or death. He preferred liberty,
+      though. If he couldn't have liberty, he wanted to die, but he was in
+      no great rush about it. He would like liberty, if there was plenty of it;
+      but if the British had no liberty to spare, he yearned for death. When the
+      tyrant asked him what style of death he wanted, he said that he would
+      rather die of extreme old age. He was willing to wait, he said. He didn't
+      want to go unprepared, and he thought it would take him eighty or ninety
+      years more to prepare, so that when he was ushered into another world he
+      wouldn't be ashamed of himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One hundred and ten years ago, Patrick Henry said: &ldquo;Sir, our chains
+      are forged. Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston. The war
+      is inevitable, and let it come. I repeat it, sir, let it come!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the spring of 1860, I used almost the same language. So did Horace
+      Greeley. There were four or five of us who got our heads together and
+      decided that the war was inevitable, and consented to let it come.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then it came. Whenever there is a large, inevitable conflict loafing
+      around waiting for permission to come, it devolves on the great statesmen
+      and bald-headed <i>literati</i> of the nation to avoid all delay. It was
+      so with Patrick Henry. He permitted the land to be deluged in gore, and
+      then he retired. It is the duty of the great orator to howl for war, and
+      then hold some other man's coat while he fights.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0136" id="link2H_4_0136"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Strabusmus and Justice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Over in St. Paul I met a man with eyes of cadet blue and a terra cotta
+      nose. His eyes were not only peculiar in shape, but while one seemed to
+      constantly probe the future, the other was apparently ransacking the
+      dreamy past. While one rambled among the glorious possibilities of the
+      remote yet golden ultimately, the other sought the somber depths of the
+      previously.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He told me that years ago he had a mild case of strabismus and that both
+      eyes seemed to glare down his nose till he got restless and had them
+      operated on. Those were the days when they used to fasten a crochet hook
+      under the internal rectus muscle and cut it a little with a pair of
+      optical sheep shears. The effect of this course was to allow the eye to
+      drift back to a direct line; but this man fell into the hands of a drunken
+      surgeon who cut the muscle too much, and thereby weakened it so that it
+      gradually swung past the point it ought to have stopped at, and he saw
+      with horror that his eye was going to turn out and protrude, as it were,
+      so that a man could hang his hat on it. The other followed suit, and the
+      two orbs that had for years looked along the bridge of the terra cotta
+      nose, gradually separated, and while one looked toward next Christmas with
+      fond anticipations, the other loved to linger over the remembrances of
+      last fall.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This thing continued till he had to peer into the future with his off eye
+      closed, and vice versa.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is needless to say that he hungered for the blood of that physician and
+      surgeon. He tried to lay violent hands on him and wipe up the ground with
+      him and wear him out across a telegraph pole. But the authorities always
+      prevented the administration of swift and lawful justice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Time passed on, till one night the abnormal wall-eyed man loosened a board
+      in the sidewalk up town so that the physician and surgeon caught his foot
+      in it and caused an oblique fracture of the scapula, pied his dura mater,
+      busted his cornucopia and wrecked his sarah-bellum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps I am in error as to some of these medical terms and their
+      orthography, but that is about the way the man with the divergent orbs
+      told it to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The physician and surgeon was quite a ruin. He had to wear clapboards on
+      himself for months, and there were other doctors, and laudable pus and
+      threatened gangrene and doctors' bills, with the cemetery looming up
+      in the near future. Day after day he took his own anti-febrile drinks, and
+      rammed his busted system full of iron and strychnine and beef tea and
+      dover's powders and hypodermic squirt till he wished he could die,
+      but death would not come. He pawed the air and howled. They fed him his
+      own nux vomica, tincture of rhubarb and phosphates and gruel, and brought
+      him back to life with a crooked collar bone, a shattered shoulder blade
+      and a look of woe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then he sued the town for $50,000 damages because the sidewalk was
+      imperfect, and the wild-eyed man with the inflamed nose got on the jury.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will not explain how it was done, but there was a verdict for defendant
+      with costs on the Esculapian wreck. The man with the crooked vision is not
+      handsome, but he is very happy. He says the mills of the gods grind
+      slowly, but they pulverise middling fine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0137" id="link2H_4_0137"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Spencerian Ass.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      After I had accumulated a handsome competence as city editor of the old
+      Morning <i>Sentinel</i> at Laramie City, and had married and gone to
+      housekeeping with a gas stove and other luxuries, my place on the <i>Sentinel</i>
+      was taken by a newspaper man named Hopkins, who had just graduated from a
+      business college, and who brought a nice glazed grip sack and a diploma
+      with him that had never been used.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hopkins wrote a fine Spencerian hand and wore a black and tan dog
+      where-ever he went. The boys were willing to overlook his copper-plate
+      hand, but they drew the line at the dog. He not only wrote in beautiful
+      style, but he copied his manuscript, so that when it went in to the
+      printer it was as pretty as a wedding invitation.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE THREW ME OUT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8367}.jpg" alt="{8367} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8367}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Hopkins ran the city page nine days, and then he came into the city hall
+      where I was trying a simple drunk and bade me adieu.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I just say this to show how difficult it is for a fine penman to get ahead
+      as a journalist. Of course good, readable writers like Knox and John
+      Hancock may become great, but they have to be men of sterling ability to
+      start with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have some of the most bloodcurdling horrors preserved for the purpose of
+      showing Hopkins' wonderful and vivid style. I will throw them in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;A little son of our esteemed fellow townsman, J.H. Hayford,
+      suffered greatly last evening with virulent colic, but this A.M., as we go
+      to press, is sleeping easily.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Think of shaking the social foundations of a mountain mining and stock
+      town with such grim, nervous prostrators as that! The next day he startled
+      Southern Wyoming and Northern Colorado and Utah with the maddening
+      statement that &ldquo;our genial friend, Leopold Gussenhoven's fine,
+      yellow dog, Florence Nightingale, had been seriously threatened with
+      insomnia.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That was the style of mental calisthenics he gave us in a town where death
+      by opium and ropium was liable to occur, and where five men with their
+      Mexican spurs on climbed one telegraph pole in one night and sauntered
+      into the remote indefinitely. Hopkins told me that he had tried to do what
+      was right, but that he had not succeeded very well. He wrung my hand and
+      said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I have tried hard to make the <i>Sentinel</i> fill a long want
+      felt, but I have not been fortunate. The foreman over there is a harsh
+      man. He used to come in and intimate in a frowning and erect tone of
+      voice, that if I did not produce that copy p.d.q., or some other
+      abbreviation or other, that he would bust my crust, or words of like
+      import.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Now that's no way to talk to a man of a nervous temperament
+      who is engaged in copying a list of hotel arrivals, and shading the
+      capitals as I was. In the business college it was not that way. Everything
+      was quiet, and there was nothing to jar a man like that.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of course I would like to stay on the <i>Sentinel</i> and draw the
+      princely salary, but there are two hundred reasons why I cannot do it. So
+      far as the physical effort is concerned, I could draw the salary with one
+      hand tied behind me, but there is too much turmoil and mad haste in daily
+      journalism to suit me, and another thing, the proprietor of the <i>Sentinel</i>
+      this morning stole up behind me and struck me over the head with a
+      wrought-iron side stick weighing ten pounds. If I had not concealed a coil
+      spring in my plug hat, the blow would have been deleterious to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Then he threw me out of the door against a total stranger, and
+      flung pieces of coal at me and called me a copper-plate ass, and said that
+      if I ever came into the office again he would assassinate me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That is the principal reason why I have severed my connection with
+      the <i>Sentinel</i>.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As he said this, Mr. Hopkins took out a polka-dot handkerchief wiped away
+      a pearly tear the size of a walnut, wrung my hand, also the polka-dot
+      wipe, and stole out into the great, horrid hence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0138" id="link2H_4_0138"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Anecdotes of Justice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The justice of the peace is sometimes a peculiarity, and if someone does
+      not watch him he will exceed his jurisdiction. It took a constable, a
+      sheriff, a prosecuting attorney and a club to convince a Wyoming justice
+      of the peace that he had no right to send a man to the penitentiary for
+      life. Another justice in Utah sentenced a criminal to be hung on the
+      following Friday between twelve and one o'clock of said day, but he
+      couldn't enforce the sentence. A Wisconsin justice of the peace
+      granted a divorce and in two weeks married the couple over again&mdash;ten
+      dollars for the divorce and two dollars for the relapse. Another Badger
+      justice bound a young man over to appear and answer at the next term of
+      the Circuit Court for the crime of chastity, and the evidence was entirely
+      circumstantial, too.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Another one, when his first case came up, jerked a candle box around
+      behind the dining-room table, put his hat on the back of his head,
+      borrowed a chew of tobacco from the prisoner and said: &ldquo;Now, boys,
+      the court's open. The first feller that says a word unless I speak
+      to him will get paralyzed. Now tell your story.&rdquo; Then each witness
+      and the defendant reeled off his yarn without being sworn. The justice
+      fined the defendant ten dollars and made the complaining witness pay half
+      the costs. The justice then took the fine and put it in his pocket,
+      adjourned court, and in an hour was so full that it took six men to hold
+      his house still long enough for him to get into the doors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A North Park justice of the peace and under-sheriff formed a partnership
+      years ago for the purpose of supplying people with justice at New York
+      prices, and by doing a strictly cash business they dispensed with a good
+      deal of justice, such as it was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a misdemeanor to kill game and ship it out of the State, and as
+      there was a good deal killed there, consisting of elk, antelope and black
+      tail deer especially, and as it could not be hauled out of the Park at
+      that season without going across the Wyoming line and back again into the
+      State of Colorado, the under-sheriff would load himself down with
+      warrants, signed in blank, and station himself on horseback at the foot of
+      the pass to the North. He would then arrest everybody indiscriminately who
+      had any fraction of a deer, antelope or elk on his wagon, try the case
+      then and there, put on a fine of $25 to $75, which if paid never reached
+      the treasury, and then he would wait for another victim. The average man
+      would rather pay the fine than go back a hundred miles through the
+      mountains to stand trial, so the under-sheriff and justice thrived for
+      some time. But one day the under-sheriff served his patent automatic
+      warrant on a young man who refused to come down. The officer then drew one
+      of those large baritone instruments that generally has a coward at one end
+      and a corpse at the other. He pointed this at the young man and assessed a
+      fine of $50 and costs. Instead of paying this fine, the youth, who was
+      quite nimble, but unarmed, knocked the bogus officer down with the butt
+      end of his six-mule whip, took his self-cocking credentials away and lit
+      out. In less than a week the justice and his copper were in the
+      refrigerator.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was once a justice of the peace, and a good many funny little incidents
+      occurred while I held that office. I do not allude to my official life
+      here in order to call attention to my glowing career, for thousands of
+      others, no doubt, could have administered the affairs of the office as
+      well as I did, but rather to speak of one incident which took place while
+      I was a J.P.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One night after I had retired and gone to sleep a milkman, called Bill
+      Dunning, rang the bell and got me out of bed. Then he told me that a man
+      who owed him a milk bill of $35 was all loaded up and prepared to slip
+      across the line overland into Colorado, there to grow up with the country
+      and acquire other indebtedness, no doubt. Bill desired an attachment for
+      the entire wagon-load of goods and said he had an officer at hand to serve
+      the writ.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;But,&rdquo; said I, as I wrapped a &ldquo;welcome&rdquo; husk door
+      mat around my glorious proportions, &ldquo;how do you know while we
+      converse together he is not winging his way down the valley of the Paudre?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Never mind that, jedge,&rdquo; says William. &ldquo;You just fix
+      the dockyments and I'll tend to the defendant.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In an hour Bill returned with $35 in cash for himself and the entire costs
+      of the court, and as we settled up and fixed the docket I asked Bill
+      Dunning how he detained the defendant while we made out the affidavit bond
+      and writ of attachment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You reckollect, jedge,&rdquo; says William, &ldquo;that the waggin
+      wheel is held onto the exle with a big nut. No waggin kin go any length of
+      time without that there nut onto the exle. Well, when I diskivered that
+      what's-his-name was packed up and the waggin loaded, I took the
+      liberty to borrow one o' them there nuts fur a kind of momento, as
+      it were, and I kept that in my pocket till we served the writ and he paid
+      my bill and came to his milk, if you'll allow me that expression,
+      and then I says to him, 'Pardner,' says I, you are going far,
+      far away where I may never see you again. Take this here nut,' says
+      I, 'and put it onto the exle of the oft hind wheel of your waggin,
+      and whenever you look at it hereafter, think of poor old Bill Dunning, the
+      milkman.'&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0139" id="link2H_4_0139"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Chinese God.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I presume that I shall not be accused of sacrilege in referring to the
+      Chinese god as an inferior piece of art. Viewed simply from an artistic
+      and economical standpoint, it seems to me that the Chinaman should have
+      less pride in his bow-legged and inefficient god than in any other
+      national institution.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I do not wish to be understood as interfering with any man's
+      religious views; but when polygamy is made a divine decree, or a basswood
+      deity is whittled out and painted red, to look up to and to worship, I
+      cannot treat that so-called religious belief with courtesy and reverence.
+      I am quite liberal in all religious matters. People have noticed that and
+      remarked it, but the Oriental god of commerce seems to me to be greatly
+      over-rated. He seems to lack that genuine decision of character which
+      should be a feature of an over-ruling power.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I ask the phrenologist to come with me and examine the head of the alleged
+      Josh, and to state whether or not he believes that the properly balanced
+      head of a successful god should not have a more protuberant knob of
+      spirituality, and a less pronounced alimentiveness. Should the bump of
+      combativeness hang out over the ear, while time, tune and calculation are
+      noticeably reticent? I certainly wot not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Again, how can the physiognomy of the Celestial Josh be consistent with a
+      moral and temperate god? The low brow would not indicate a pronounced
+      omniscience, and the Jumbo ears and the copious neck would not impress me
+      with the idea of purity and spirituality.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is, no doubt, wrong to attack sacred matters for the purpose of gaining
+      notoriety; but I believe I am right, when I assert that the Chinese god
+      must go. We should not be Puritanical, but we might safely draw the line
+      at the bow-legged and sedentary goddess of leprosy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If Confucius bowed the suppliant knee to that goggle-eyed jim-jam Josh, I
+      am grieved to know it. If such was the case, the friends of Confucius
+      should keep the matter from me. I cannot believe that the great
+      philosopher wallowed in the dust at the feet of such a polka-dot
+      carricature of a gorilla's horrid dream.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I bought a Chinese god once, for four bits. He was not successful in the
+      profession which he aimed to follow. Whatever he may have been in China,
+      he was not a very successful god in the English language. I put him upon
+      the mantel, and the clock stopped, the servant girl sent in her
+      resignation, and a large dog jumped through the parlor-window. All this
+      happened within two hours from the time I erected the lop-eared,
+      knocked-kneed and club-footed Oolong in my household.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE DOG EXITS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0373}.jpg" alt="{0373}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0373}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps this may have been largely due to my ignorance of his habits.
+      Possibly if I had been more familiar with his eccentricities, it would
+      have been all right; but as it was, there was no book of instructions
+      given with him, and I couldn't seem to make him work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      During the week following, the prospect shaft of the New Jerusalem mine
+      struck a subterranean gulf-stream and water-logged the stock, a tall
+      yellow dog, under the weight of a great woe, picked out my cistern to
+      suicide in, and I skated down the cellar-stairs on my shoulder-blades and
+      the phrenological location known as Love of Home, in such a terrible
+      manner as to jar the foundations of the earth, and kick a large hole out
+      of the bosom of the night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then met with a change of heart, and overthrew the warty heathen god,
+      and knocked him galley west. My hens at once began to watch the produce
+      market, and, noticing the high price of eggs, commenced to orate with
+      great zeal instead of standing around with their hands in their pockets. I
+      saw the new moon over my right shoulder, and all nature seemed gay once
+      more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The above are a few of my reasons for believing that the Chinese god is
+      either greatly over-estimated, or else shippers and producers are flooding
+      the market with fraudulent gods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0140" id="link2H_4_0140"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Great Spiritualist.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have an uncle who is a physician, and a very busy one at that. He is a
+      very active man, and allows himself very little relaxation indeed. How
+      many times he has said to me, &ldquo;Well, I can't stand here and
+      fool away my time with you. I've got a typhoid fever patient down in
+      the lower end of town who will get well if I don't get over there
+      this forenoon.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He never allows himself any relaxation to speak of, except to demonstrate
+      the truth of spiritualism. He does love to monkey with the supernatural,
+      and he delights in getting hold of some skeptical friend and convincing
+      him of the presence of spirits beyond a doubt. I've known him to
+      ignore two cases of croup and one case of twins to attend a seance and
+      help convince a doubting Thomas on the spirit question.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I believe that he and I, together with a little time in which to prepare,
+      could convince the most skeptical. He says that with a friend to assist
+      him, who is <i>en rapport</i>, and who has a little practice, he can reach
+      the stoniest heart. He is a very susceptible medium indeed, and created a
+      great furore in his own town. He said it was a great comfort to him to
+      converse with his former patients, and he felt kind of attached to them,
+      so that he hated to be separated from them, even in death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Spiritualism had quite a run in his neighborhood at one time, as I have
+      said. Even his own family yielded to the convincing proof and the
+      astounding phenomena. If his wife hadn't found some of his spiritual
+      tracks down cellar, she would have remained firm, no doubt, but the doctor
+      forgot and left his step-ladder down there, and that showed where the hole
+      in the floor opened into his mysterious cabinet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He said if he had been a little more careful, no doubt he could have
+      convinced anybody of the presence of spirits or anything else. He said he
+      didn't intend to give up as long as there was anything left in the
+      cellar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He had such unwavering confidence in the phenomena that all he asked of
+      anybody was faith and a buckskin string about two feet long.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He and his brother, a reformed member of Congress, read the inmost
+      thoughts of a skeptical friend all one evening by the aid of supernatural
+      powers and a tin tube. The reformed member of Congress acted as medium,
+      and the doctor, who was unfortunately and ostensibly called away into the
+      country early in the evening, remained at the window outside, where he
+      could read the queries written by the victim on a slip of paper. Then he
+      would run around the house and murmur the same through a tin tube at
+      another window by the medium's ear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was astounding. The skeptical man would write some deep question on a
+      slip of paper, and after the medium had felt of his brow, and groaned a
+      few hollow groans, and rolled his eyes up, he would answer it without
+      having been within twenty feet of the question or the questioner. The
+      victim said he would never doubt again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What a comfort it was to know that immortality was an established fact. If
+      he could have heard a man talking in a low tone of voice through an old
+      tin dipper handle, at the south window on the ground floor, and
+      occasionally swearing at a mosquito on the back of his neck, he would have
+      hesitated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An old-timer over there said that Woodworth would be a mighty good
+      physician if he would let spiritualism alone. He claimed that no man could
+      be a great physician and surgeon and still be a fanatic on spiritualism.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0141" id="link2H_4_0141"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      General Sheridan's Horse.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have always taken a great interest in war incidents, and more so,
+      perhaps, because I wasn't old enough to put down the rebellion
+      myself. I have been very eager to get hold of and hoard up in my memory
+      all its gallant deeds of both sides, and to know the history of those who
+      figured prominently in that great conflict has been one of my ambitions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have also watched with interest the steady advancement of Phil Sheridan,
+      the black-eyed warrior with the florid face and the Winchester record. I
+      have also taken some pains to investigate the later history of the old
+      Winchester war horse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Old Rienzi died in our stable a few years after the war,&rdquo;
+      said a Chicago livery man to me, a short time ago. &ldquo;General Sheridan
+      left him with us and instructed us to take good care of him, which we did,
+      but he got old at last, and his teeth failed upon him, and that busted his
+      digestion, and he kind of died of old age, I reckon.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;How did General Sheridan take it?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Oh, well, Phil Sheridan is no school girl. He didn't turn
+      away when old Rienzi died and weep the manger full of scalding regret. If
+      you know Sheridan, you know that he don't rip the blue dome of
+      heaven wide open with unavailing wails. He just told us to take care of
+      its remains, patted the old cuss on the head a little and walked off. Phil
+      Sheridan don't go around weeping softly into a pink bordered wipe
+      when a horse dies. He likes a good horse, but Rienzi was no Jay-Eye-See
+      for swiftness, and he wasn't the purtiest horse you ever see, by no
+      means.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Did you read lately how General Sheridan don't ride on
+      horseback since his old war horse died, and seems to have lost all
+      interest in horses?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, I never did. He no doubt would rather ride in a cable car or a
+      carriage than to jar himself up on a horse. That's all likely
+      enough, but, as I say, he's a matter of fact little fighter from
+      Fighttown. He never stopped to snoot and paw up the ground and sob himself
+      into bronchitis over old Rienzi. He went right on about his business, and,
+      like old King What's-His-name he hollered for another hoss, and the
+      War Department never slipped a cog.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Later on I read that the old war horse was called Winchester and that he
+      was still alive in a blue grass pasture in Kentucky. The report said that
+      old Winchester wasn't very coltish, and that he was evidently
+      failing. I gathered the idea that he was wearing store teeth, and that his
+      memory was a little deficient, but that he might live yet for years. After
+      that I met a New York livery stable prince, at whose palace General
+      Sheridan's well-known Winchester war horse died of botts in '71.
+      He told me all about it and how General Sheridan came on from Chicago at
+      the time, and held the horse's head in his lap while the fleet limbs
+      that flew from Winchester down and saved the day, stiffened in the great,
+      mysterious repose of death. He said Sheridan wept like a child, and as he
+      told the touching tale to me I wept also. I say I wept. I wept about a
+      quart, I would say. He said also that the horse's name wasn't
+      Winchester nor Rienzi; it was Jim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was sorry to know it. Jim is no name for a war horse who won a victory
+      and a marble bust and a poem. You can't respect a horse much if his
+      name was Jim.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that I found out that General Sheridan's celebrated Winchester
+      horse was raised in Kentucky, also in Pennsylvania and Michigan; that he
+      went out as a volunteer private; that he was in the regular service prior
+      to the war, and that he was drafted, and that he died on the field of
+      battle, in a sorrel pasture, in '73, in great pain on Governor's
+      Island; that he was buried with Masonic honors by the Good Templars and
+      the Grand Army of the Republic; that he was resurrected by a medical
+      college and dissected; that he was cremated in New Orleans and taxidermed
+      for the Military Museum at New York. Every little while I run up against a
+      new fact relative to this noted beast. He has died in nine different
+      States, and been buried in thirteen different styles, while his soul goes
+      marching on. Evidently we live in an age of information. You can get more
+      information nowadays, such as it is, than you know what to do with.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0142" id="link2H_4_0142"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Circular.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To my friends, regardless of party.&mdash;Many friends having solicited me
+      to apply for a foreign mission under the present administration, I have
+      finally consented to do so, and last week filed my application for such
+      missions as might still remain vacant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      To insure my appointment, much will remain for you to do. I now call upon
+      my friends to aid me by their united effort. I especially solicit the aid
+      of my friends who have repeatedly heretofore promised it to me while
+      drunk.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PLENTY OF CORRESPONDENCE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8379}.jpg" alt="{8379} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8379}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You will see at a glance that I can only make the application. You must
+      support it by your petitions and letters. It would be of little use for
+      one man to write five thousand letters to the president, but if five
+      thousand people each write him a letter in which casual reference is made
+      to my social worth and 7-1/3 octave brain, it will make him pay attention.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My idea would be for each of my friends to set aside one day in each week
+      to write to the president, opening it in a chatty way by asking him if he
+      does not think we are having rather a backward spring, and what he is
+      doing for his cut worms now, and how his folks are, etc., etc. Then
+      gradually lead up to the statement that you think I would be an ornament
+      to the administration if I should go abroad and linger on a foreign strand
+      at $2,000 per linger and stationery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This will keep the president properly stirred up, and cause him to earn
+      his salary. The effect will be to secure the appointment at last, as you
+      will see if you persevere.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I need not add that I will do what is right by my friends upon receiving
+      my commission.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not neglect this suggestion because it comes to you in the form of a
+      circular, but remember it and act upon it. Remember that, although the
+      president is stubborn as Sam Hill, he will at last yield to fatigue, and
+      when tired nature can hold out no longer, the last letter will drop from
+      his nerveless hand and he will surrender.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: NURSING THE FIERY STEED.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9380}.jpg" alt="{9380}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9380}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Some of you will urge that I have been an offensive partisan, but when you
+      come to think it over I have not been so all-fired partisan. There have
+      been days and days when it did not show itself very much. However, that is
+      not the point. I want your hearty indorsement and I want it to be entirely
+      voluntary, and if you do not give it, and give it freely and voluntarily,
+      you hadn't better ask me for any more favors.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All the newspapers most heartily indorse me. The <i>Rocky Mountain Whoop</i>
+      very truthfully says:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Nye called at our office yesterday and subscribed for our
+      paper. We are proud to add him to our list of paid-up subscribers, and
+      should he renew his subscription next year, paying in advance, we will
+      cheerfully refer to it among other startling news.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have a scrap-book full of such indorsements as this, and now, if my
+      friends will peel their coats and write as they should, I can make this
+      administration open its eyes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Several papers in Iowa have alluded to my being in town, and referred to
+      the fact that I had paid my bills while there. But press indorsements
+      alone are not sufficient. What is needed is the written testimony of
+      friends and neighbors. No matter how poor or humble or worthless you may
+      be, write to Mr. Cleveland and tell him how much confidence you have in
+      me, and if you can call to mind any little acts of kindness, or any times
+      when I have got up in the night to give you a dollar, or nurse a colicky
+      horse for you, throw that in. Throw it in anyhow. It will do no harm, and
+      may do much good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I can solemnly promise all my friends that if they will secure my
+      appointment to a foreign country for four years, I will not return during
+      that time. What more can I offer? I will stay longer if I am reappointed.
+      I would do anything for my friends.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not throw this circular carelessly aside. Read it carefully over and
+      act upon it. Some of you are poor spellers, and will try to get out of it
+      in that way. Others are in the penitentiary and cannot spare the time. But
+      to one and all I say, write, and write regularly, to the president. Do not
+      wait for a reply from him, because he is pretty busy now; but he will be
+      tickled to death to hear from you, and anything you say about me will give
+      him great pleasure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      N.B.&mdash;Please be careful not to inclose this circular in your letter
+      to the president.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0143" id="link2H_4_0143"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Photograph Habit.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      No doubt the photograph habit, when once formed, is one of the most
+      baneful, and productive of the most intense suffering in after years, of
+      any with which we are familiar. Some times it seems to me that my whole
+      life has been one long, abject apology for photographs that I have shed
+      abroad throughout a distracted country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Man passes through seven distinct stages of being photographed, each one
+      exceeding all previous efforts in that line.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      First he is photographed as a prattling, bald-headed baby, absolutely
+      destitute of eyes, but making up for this deficiency by a wealth of mouth
+      that would make a negro minstrel olive green with envy. We often wonder
+      what has given the average photographer that wild, hunted look about the
+      eyes and that joyless sag about the knees. The chemicals and the indoor
+      life alone have not done all this. It is the great nerve tension and
+      mental strain used in trying to photograph a squirming and dark red child
+      with white eyes, in such a manner as to please its parents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An old-fashioned dollar store album with cerebro-spinal meningitis, and
+      filled with pictures of half-suffocated children in heavily-starched white
+      dresses, is the first thing we seek on entering a home, and the last thing
+      from which we reluctantly part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The second stage on the downward road is the photograph of the boy with
+      fresh-cropped hair, and in which the stiff and protuberant thumb takes a
+      leading part.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then follows the portrait of the lad, with strongly marked freckles and a
+      look of hopeless melancholy. With the aid of a detective agency, I have
+      succeeded in running down and destroying several of these pictures which
+      were attributed to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Next comes the young man, 21 years of age, with his front hair plastered
+      smoothly down over his tender, throbbing dome of thought. He does not care
+      so much about the expression on the mobile features, so long as his left
+      hand, with the new ring on it, shows distinctly, and the string of
+      jingling, jangling charms on his watch chain, including the cute little
+      basket cut out of a peach stone, stand out well in the foreground. If the
+      young man would stop to think for a moment that some day he may become
+      eminent and ashamed of himself, he would hesitate about doing this.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Soon after, he has a tintype taken in which a young lady sits in the
+      alleged grass, while he stands behind her with his hand lightly touching
+      her shoulder as though he might be feeling of the thrilling circumference
+      of a buzz saw. He carries this picture in his pocket for months, and looks
+      at it whenever he may be unobserved.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then, all at once, he discovers that the young lady's hair is not
+      done up that way any more, and that her hat doesn't seem to fit her.
+      He then, in a fickle moment, has another tintype made, in which another
+      young woman, with a more recent hat and later coiffure, is discovered
+      holding his hat in her lap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This thing continues, till one day he comes into the studio with his wife,
+      and tries to see how many children can be photographed on one negative by
+      holding one on each knee and using the older ones as a back-ground.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The last stage in his eventful career, the old gentleman allows himself to
+      be photographed, because he is afraid he may not live through another
+      long, hard winter, and the boys would like a picture of him while he is
+      able to climb the dark, narrow stairs which lead to the artist's
+      room.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sadly the thought comes back to you in after years, when his grave is
+      green in the quiet valley, and the worn and weary hands that have toiled
+      for you are forever at rest, how patiently he submitted while his daughter
+      pinned the clean, stiff, agonizing white collar about his neck, and
+      brushed the velvet collar of his best coat; how he toiled up the long,
+      dark, lonesome stairs, not with the egotism of a half century ago, but
+      with the light of anticipated rest at last in his eyes&mdash;obediently,
+      as he would have gone to the dingy law office to have his will drawn&mdash;and
+      meekly left the outlines of his kind old face for those he loved and for
+      whom he had so long labored.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a picture at which the thoughtless may smile, but it is full of
+      pathos, and eloquent for those who knew him best. His attitude is stiff
+      and his coat hunches up in the back, but his kind old heart asserts itself
+      through the gentle eyes, and when he has gone away at last we do not
+      criticise the picture any more, but beyond the old coat that hunches up in
+      the back, and that lasted him so long, we read the history of a noble
+      life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Silently the old finger-marked album, lying so unostentatiously on the
+      gouty centre table, points out the mile-stones from infancy to age, and
+      back of the mistakes of a struggling photographer is portrayed the
+      laughter and the tears, the joy and the grief, the dimples and the gray
+      hairs of one man's life-tine.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0144" id="link2H_4_0144"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Rosalinde.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      In answer to a former article relative to the dearth of woman here, we are
+      now receiving two to five letters per day from all classes and styles of
+      young, middle-aged and old women who desire to come to Wyoming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some of them would like to come here to work and obtain an honest
+      livelihood, and some of them desire to come here and marry cattle kings.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A recent letter from Michigan, written in lead pencil, and evidently
+      during hours when the writer should have been learning her geography
+      lesson, is very enthusiastic over the prospect of coming out here where
+      one girl can have a lover for every day in the week. She signs herself
+      Rosalinde, with a small r, and adds in a postscript that she &ldquo;means
+      business.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yes, Rosalinde, that's what we are afraid of. We had a kind of a
+      vague fear that you meant business, so we did not reply to your letter.
+      Wyoming already has women enough who write with a lead pencil. We are also
+      pretty well provided with poor spellers, and we do not desire to ransack
+      Michigan for affectionate but sap-headed girls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Stay in Michigan, Rosalinde, until we write to you, and one of these days
+      when you have been a mother eight or nine times, and as you stand in the
+      golden haze in the back yard, hanging out damp shirts on an uncertain
+      line, while your ripe and dewy mouth is stretched around a bass-wood
+      clothes pin, you will thank us for this advice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Michigan is the place for you. It is the home of the Sweet Singer and the
+      abiding place of the Detroit <i>Free Press</i>. We can't throw any
+      such influences around you here as those you have at your own door.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not despair, Rosalinde. Some day a man, with a great, warm, manly heart
+      and a pair of red steers, will see you and love you, and he will take you
+      in his strong arms and protect you from the Michigan climate, just as
+      devotedly as any of our people here can. We do not wish to be
+      misunderstood in this matter. It is not as a lover that we have said so
+      much on the girl question, but in the domestic aid department, and when we
+      get a long letter from a young girl who eats slate pencils and reads Ouida
+      behind her atlas, we feel like going over there to Michigan with a trunk
+      strap and doing a little missionary work.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0145" id="link2H_4_0145"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Church Debt.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have been thinking the matter over seriously and I have decided that if
+      I had my life to live over again, I would like to be an eccentric
+      millionaire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have eccentricity enough, but I cannot successfully push it without more
+      means.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have a great many plans which I would like to carry out, in case I could
+      unite the two necessary elements for the production of the successful
+      eccentric millionaire.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Among other things, I would be willing to bind myself and give proper
+      security to any one who would put in money to offset my eccentricity, that
+      I would ultimately die. We all know how seldom the eccentric millionaire
+      now dies. I would be willing to inaugurate a reform in that direction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I think now that I would endow a home for men whose wives are no longer
+      able to support them. In many cases the wife who was at first able to
+      support her husband comfortably, finally shoulders a church debt, and in
+      trying to lift that she overworks and impairs her health so that she
+      becomes an invalid, while hor husband is left to pine away in solitude or
+      dependent on the cold charities of the world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My heart goes out toward those men even now, and in case I should fill the
+      grave of the eccentric millionaire, I am sure that I would do the square
+      thing by them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The method by which our wives in America are knocking the church debt
+      silly, by working up their husbands' groceries into &ldquo;angel
+      food&rdquo; and selling them below actual cost, is deserving of the
+      attention of our national financiers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The church debt itself is deserving of notice in this country. It
+      certainly thrives better under a republican form of government than any
+      other feature of our boasted civilization. Western towns spring up
+      everywhere, and the first anxiety is to name the place, the second to
+      incur a church debt and establish a roller rink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that a general activity in trade is assured. Of course the general
+      hostility of church and rink will prevent <i>ennui</i> and listlessness,
+      and the church debt will encourage a business boom. Naturally the church
+      debt cannot be paid without what is generally known through the West as
+      the &ldquo;festival and hooraw.&rdquo; This festival is an open market
+      where the ladies trade the groceries of their husbands to other ladies'
+      husbands, and everybody has a &ldquo;perfectly lovely time.&rdquo; The
+      church clears $2.30, and thirteen ladies are sick all the next day.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This makes a boom for the physicians and later on for the undertaker and
+      general tombist. So it will be seen that the Western town is right in
+      establishing a church debt as soon as the survey is made and the town
+      properly named. After the first church debt has been properly started,
+      others will rapidly follow, so that no anxiety need be felt if the church
+      will come forward the first year and buy more than it can pay for.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PUGILISM IN RELIGION.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8387}.jpg" alt="{8387} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8387}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The church debt is a comparatively modern appliance, and yet it has been
+      productive of many peculiar features. For instance, we call to mind the
+      clergyman who makes a specialty of going from place to place as a
+      successful debt demolisher. He is a part of the general system, just as
+      much as the ice cream freezer or the buttonhole bouquet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then there is a row or social knock-down-and-drag-out which goes along
+      with the church debt. All these things add to the general interest, and to
+      acquire interest in one way or another is the mission of the c.d.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I once knew a most exemplary woman who became greatly interested in the
+      wiping out of a church debt, and who did finally succeed in wiping out the
+      debt, but in its last expiring death struggle it gave her a wipe from
+      which she never recovered. She had succeeded in begging the milk and the
+      cream, and the eggs and the sandwiches, and the use of the dishes and the
+      sugar, and the loan of an oyster, and the use of a freezer and fifty
+      button-hole bouquets to be sold to men who were not in the habit of
+      wearing bouquets, but she could not borrow a circular artist to revolve
+      the crank of the freezer, so she agitated it herself. Her husband had to
+      go away prior to the festivities, but he ordered her not to crank the
+      freezer. He had very little influence with her, however, and so to-day he
+      is a widower. The church debt was revived in the following year, and now
+      there isn't a more thriving church debt anywhere in the country.
+      Only last week that church traded off $75 worth of groceries, in the form
+      of asbestos cake and celluloid angel food, in such a way that if the
+      original cost of the groceries and the work were not considered, the clear
+      profit was $13, after the hall rent was paid. And why should the first
+      cost of the groceries be reckoned, when we stop to think that they were
+      involuntarily furnished by the depraved husband and father.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I must add, also, that in the above estimate doctors' bills and
+      funeral expenses are not reckoned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0388}.jpg" alt="{0388}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0388}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0146" id="link2H_4_0146"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Collection of Keys.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I'm getting to be quite a connoisseur of hotel keys as I get older.
+      For ten years I have been collecting these mementoes of travel and cording
+      them away in my key cabinet. Some have square brass tags attached to them,
+      others have round ones. Still others affect the octagonal, the fluted, the
+      hexagonal, the scalloped, the plain, the polished, the docorated, the
+      chaste, the Etruscan, the metropolitan, the rural, the cosmopolitan, the
+      shirred, the tucked, the biased, the high neck and long sleeve or the <i>decolette</i>
+      style of brass check.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have, so far, paid my bills, but I have not returned the keys to my
+      room. Hotel proprietors will please take notice and govern themselves
+      accordingly. When my visit to a pleasant city has become a beautiful
+      memory only, I all at once sit down on something hard and find that it is
+      the key to my former room at the hotel. Sitting down on a key tag of
+      corrugated brass, as big as a buckwheat pancake, would remind most anyone
+      of something or other.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I generally leave my tooth-brush in my room and carry off the key as a
+      kind of involuntary swap, so far as the hotel proprietor is concerned, but
+      I do not think it is a mutual benefit, particularly. I cannot use the key
+      to a hotel 500 miles away, and so far as a tooth-brush is concerned, it
+      generally has pleasant associations only for the owner. A man is fond of
+      his own toothbrush, but it takes years for him to love the tooth-brush of
+      a stranger.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are a good many associations attached to these keys, like the tags.
+      They point backward to the rooms to which the keys belong. Here is a fat
+      one that led to room number 33-1/2 in the Synagogue hotel. It was a
+      cheerful room, where the bell boy said an old man had asphyxiated himself
+      with gas the previous week. I had never met the old man before, but that
+      night, about 1 o'clock A.M., I had the pleasure of his acquaintance.
+      He came in a sad and reproachful way, and showed me how the post-mortem
+      people had disfigured him. Of course it was a little tough to be mutilated
+      by an inquest, but that's no reason why he should come back there
+      and occupy a room that I was paying for so that I could be alone. He
+      showed me how he blew out the gas, and told me how a man could
+      successfully blow down the muzzle of a shot-gun or a gas jet, but both of
+      these weapons had a way of blowing back.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have a key that brings back to me the memory of a room that I lived in
+      two days at one time. I do not mean that I lived the two days at once, but
+      that at one period I occupied that room, partially, for two days and two
+      nights, I say I partially occupied it, because I used to occupy it days
+      and share it nights with others; that is, I tried to occupy it nights. I
+      tried to get the clerk to throw off something because I didn't have
+      the exclusive use of the room. He wouldn't throw off anything. He
+      even wanted to fight me because I said that the room was occupied before I
+      got it and after I left it. Finally, I told him that if he would throw a
+      bed quilt over his diamond, so I could see him, I would fight him with
+      buckwheat cakes at five-hundred miles. I took my position the next morning
+      at the place appointed, but he did not appear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0147" id="link2H_4_0147"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Extracts from a Queen's Diary.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      January 1.&mdash;I awoke late this forenoon with a pain through the head
+      and a taste of ennui in the mouth, which I can hardly account for. Can it
+      be a result of the party last evening? I ween it may be so. We had a
+      lovely card party last evening. It was very enjoyable, indeed. Whist was
+      the game.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      January 3.&mdash;Yesterday all day I was unable to leave my room, owing to
+      a headache and nervous prostration, caused by late hours and too much
+      company, the doctor said. It is too bad, and yet I do so much enjoy our
+      card parties and the excitement of the game. To-night I am to take part in
+      a little quiet game of draw poker, I think they call it. I have not had
+      any experience heretofore in the game, but trust I shall soon learn it.
+      There has been some talk about £1 ante and £5 limit. I do not exactly
+      understand the terms. I hope it does not mean anything wrong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      January 4.&mdash;Poker is an odd game, indeed. I think it quite exciting,
+      though at first the odd terms rather confused me. I had not been
+      accustomed to such phrases as &ldquo;show down,&rdquo; &ldquo;bob-tail
+      flush,&rdquo; and &ldquo;King full.&rdquo; I must ask Brown, as soon as
+      his knees are able to be out, to explain the meaning of these terms a
+      little more fully to me. If poor Brown's knees are not better soon,
+      I shall be on kneesy about him. {Here the diary has the appearance of
+      being blurred with tears.} A bob-tail flush, I learn, is something very
+      disagreeable to have. One gentleman said last evening that another
+      bob-tail flush would certainly paralyze him. I gather from that that it is
+      something like a hectic flush. I can understand the game called &ldquo;old
+      sledge,&rdquo; and have become quite familiar with such terms as &ldquo;beg,&rdquo;
+      &ldquo;gimmeone,&rdquo; &ldquo;I've got the thin one,&rdquo; &ldquo;how
+      high is that?&rdquo; &ldquo;one horse on me,&rdquo; &ldquo;saw-off,&rdquo;
+      etc., etc., but poker is full of surprises. It seems so odd to see a
+      gentleman &ldquo;show out on a pair of deuces&rdquo; and gather in upward
+      of two pounds with great merriment, while the remainder of the party seem
+      quite bored. One gentleman last evening showed out on a full hand with
+      &ldquo;treys at the head,&rdquo; putting £3 12s. in his purse with great
+      glee, while another one of the party who had not shown up, but I am
+      positive had a better hand, became so angered that he got up and kicked
+      four front teeth out of the mouth of a favorite dog worth £20. I took part
+      in a spade flush during the evening and was quite successful, so that I
+      can easily pay my traveling expenses and have a few shillings to buy
+      ointment for poor Brown. It was my first winning, and made me quiver all
+      over with excitement. The game is already very fascinating to me, and I am
+      becoming passionately fond of it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      January 6.&mdash;I have just learned fully what a bob-tail flush is. It
+      cost me £50. I like information, but I do not like to buy it when it comes
+      so high. I drew two to fill in a heart flush last evening, and advanced
+      the money to back up my judgment; but one of the hearts I drew was a club,
+      which was entirely useless to me. I have sent out a sheriff with a bulldog
+      to ascertain if he can find the whereabouts of the party who started this
+      poker game, I do not know when I have felt so bored. After that I was so
+      timid that I allowed a friend to walk off with £2 on a pair of deuces. I
+      said to him that I called that a deuced bore, and he laughed heartily.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I find that you should not be too ready to show by your countenance
+      whether you are bored or pleased in poker. Tour opponent will take
+      advantage of it and play accordingly. It cost me £8 10s. to acquire a
+      knowledge of this fact. If all the information I ever got had cost me as
+      much as this poker wisdom, I would not now have two pennies to jingle
+      together in my purse. Still, we have had a good time, take it all in all,
+      and I shall not soon forget the evenings we have spent here together
+      buying knowledge regardless of cost. I think I shall try to control my
+      wild thirst for information awhile, however, till I can get some more
+      funds.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and on turning the book over we find
+      the royal signature at the foot of the last page, &ldquo;The Queen of
+      Spades."}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0148" id="link2H_4_0148"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Shorts.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A Colorado burro has been shipped across the Atlantic and presented to the
+      Prince of Wales. It is a matter of profound national sorrow that this was
+      not the first American jackass presented to his Tallness, the Prince.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Omaha last week a barrel of sauer kraut rolled out of a wagon and
+      struck O'Leary H. Oleson, who was trying to unload it, with such
+      force as to kill him instantly and to flatten him out like a kiln-dried
+      codfish. Still, after thousands of such instances on record, there are
+      many scientists who maintain that sauer kraut is conducive to longevity.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As an evidence of the healthfulness of mountain climate, the people of
+      Denver point to a man who came there in '77 without flesh enough to
+      bait a trap, and now he puts sleeves in an ordinary feather-bed and pulls
+      it on over his head for a shirt. People in poor health who wish to
+      communicate with the writer in relation to the facts above stated, are
+      requested to enclose two unlicked postage stamps to insure a reply.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At Ubet, M.T., during the cold snap in January, one of the most inhuman
+      outrages known in the annals of crime was perpetrated upon a young man who
+      went West in the fall, hoping to make his pile in time to return in May
+      and marry the New York heiress selected before he went.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While stopping at the hotel, two frolicsome young women hired the porter
+      to procure the young man's pantaloons at dead of night They then
+      sewed up the bottoms of the legs, threw the doctored garment back through
+      the transom and squealed &ldquo;Fire!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he got into the hall he was vainly trying to stab one foot through
+      the limb of his pantaloons while he danced around on the other and joined
+      in the general cry of &ldquo;Fire!&rdquo; The hall seemed filled with
+      people, who were running this way and that, ostensibly seeking a mode of
+      egress from the flames, but in reality trying to dodge the mad efforts of
+      the young man, who was trying to insert himself in his obstinate
+      pantaloons.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He did not tumble, as it were, until the night watchman got a Babcock fire
+      extinguisher and played on him. I do not know what he played on him. Very
+      likely it was, &ldquo;Sister, what are the wild waves saying?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Anyway, he staggered into his room, and although he could hear the
+      audience outside in their wild, tumultuous encore, he refused to come
+      before the curtain, but locked his door and sobbed himself to sleep,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How often do we forget the finer feelings of others and ignore their
+      sorrow while we revel in some great joy.
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0394}.jpg" alt="{0394}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0394}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0149" id="link2H_4_0149"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      &ldquo;We.&rdquo;
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The world is full of literary people to-day, and they are divided into
+      three classes, viz: Those who have written for the press, those who are
+      writing for the press, and those who want to write for the press. Of the
+      first, there are those who tried it and found that they could make more in
+      half the time at something else, and so quit the field, and those who
+      failed to touch the great heart and pocketbook of the public, and
+      therefore subsided. Those who are writing for the press now, whether
+      putting together copy by the mile within the sound of the rumbling engine
+      and press, or scattered through the country writing more at their leisure,
+      find that they have to lay aside every weight and throw off all the
+      incumbrances of the mossy past.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One thing, however, still clings to the editor like a dab of paste on a
+      white vest or golden fleck of scrambled egg on a tawny moustache. One
+      relic of barbarism rears in gaunt form amid the clash and hurry and rush
+      of civilization, and in the dazzling light of science and smartness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is &ldquo;we.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The budding editor of the rural civilizer for the first time peels his
+      coat and sharpens his pencil to begin the work of changing the great
+      current of public opinion. He is strong in his desire to knock error and
+      wrong galley west. He has buckled on his armor to paralyze monopoly and
+      purify the ballot He has hitched up his pantaloons with a noble resolve
+      and covered his table with virgin paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He is young, and he is a little egotistical, also. He wants to say,
+      &ldquo;I believe&rdquo; so and so, but he can't. Perspiration breaks
+      out all over him. He bites his pencil, and looks up with his clenched hand
+      in his hair. The slimy demon of the editor's life is there, sitting
+      on the cloth bound volume containing the report of the United States
+      superintendent of swine diseases.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wherever you find a young man unloading a Washington hand press to fill a
+      long-felt want, there you will find the ghastly and venomous &ldquo;we,&rdquo;
+      ready to look over the shoulder of the timid young mental athlete.
+      Wherever you find a ring of printer's ink around the door knob, and
+      the snowy towel on which the foreman wipes the pink tips of his alabaster
+      fingers, you will find the slimy, scaly folds of &ldquo;we&rdquo; curled
+      up in some neighboring corner.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From the huge metropolitan journal, whose subscribers could make or bust a
+      president, or make a blooming king wish he had never been born, down to
+      the obscure and unknown dodger whose first page is mostly electrotype
+      head, whose second and third pages are patent, whose news is eloquent of
+      the dear dead past, whose fourth page ushers in a new baby, or heralds the
+      coming of the circus, or promulgates the fact that its giant editor has a
+      felon on his thumb, the trail of the serpent &ldquo;we&rdquo; is over them
+      all. It is all we have to remind us of royalty in America, with the
+      exception, perhaps, of the case now and then where a king full busts a
+      bob-tail flush.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0150" id="link2H_4_0150"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Mountain Snowstorm.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      September does not always indicate golden sunshine, and ripening corn, and
+      old gold pumpkin pies on the half-shell. We look upon it as the month of
+      glorious perfection in the handiwork of the seasons and the time when the
+      ripened fruits are falling; when the red sun hides behind the bronze and
+      misty evening, and says good night with reluctance to the beautiful
+      harvests and the approaching twilight of the year.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was on a red letter day of this kind, years ago, that Wheeler and
+      myself started out under the charge of Judge Blair and Sheriff Baswell to
+      visit the mines at Last Chance, and more especially the Keystone, a gold
+      mine that the Judge had recently become president of. The soft air of
+      second summer in the Rocky Mountains blew gently past our ears as we rode
+      up the valley of the Little Laramie, to camp the first night at the head
+      of the valley behind Sheep Mountain. The whole party was full of joy. Even
+      Judge Blair, with the frosts of over sixty winters in his hair, broke
+      forth into song. That's the only thing I ever had against Judge
+      Blair. He would forget himself sometimes and burst forth into song.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The following day we crossed the divide and rode down the gulch into the
+      camp on Douglass Creek, where the musical thunder of the stamp mills
+      seemed to jar the ground, and the rapid stream below bore away on its
+      turbid bosom the yellowish tinge of the golden quartz. It was a perfect
+      day, and Wheeler and I blessed our stars and, instead of breathing the air
+      of sour paste and hot presses in the newspaper offices, away in the
+      valley, we were sprawling in the glorious sunshine of the hills, playing
+      draw poker with the miners in the evening, and forgetful of the daily
+      newspaper where one man does the work and the other draws the salary. It
+      was heaven. It was such luxury that we wanted to swing our hats and yell
+      like Arapahoes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next morning we were surprised to find that it had snowed all night
+      and was snowing still. I never saw such flakes of snow in my life. They
+      came sauntering through the air like pure, white Turkish towels falling
+      from celestial clothes-lines. We did not return that day. We played a few
+      games of chance, but they were brief. We finally made it five cent ante,
+      and, as I was working then for an alleged newspaper man who paid me $50
+      per month to edit his paper nights and take care of his children daytimes,
+      I couldn't keep abreast of the Judge, the Sheriff and the
+      Superintendent of the Keystone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next day we had to go home. The snow lay ankle-deep everywhere and the
+      air was chilly and raw. Wheeler and I tried to ride, but the mountain road
+      was so rough that the horses could barely move through the snow, dragging
+      the buggy after them. So we got out and walked on ahead to keep warm. We
+      gained very fast on the team, for we were both long-legged and measured
+      off the miles like a hired man going to dinner. I wore a pair of
+      glove-fitting low shoes and lisle-thread socks. I can remember that yet. I
+      would advise anyone going into the mines not to wear lisle-thread socks
+      and low shoes. You are liable to stick your foot into a snow-bank or a mud
+      hole and dip up too much water. I remember that after we had walked
+      through the pine woods down the mountain road a few miles, I noticed that
+      the bottoms of my pantaloons looked like those of a drowned tramp I saw
+      many years ago in the morgue. We gave out after a while, waited for the
+      team, but decided that it had gone the other road. All at once it flashed
+      over us that we were alone in the woods and the storm, wet, nearly
+      starved, ignorant of the road and utterly worn out!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: IT WAS TOUGH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9398}.jpg" alt="{9398}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9398}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      It was tough!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I never felt so blue, so wet, so hungry, or so hopeless in my life. We
+      moved on a little farther. All at once we came out of the timber. There
+      was no snow whatever! At that moment the sun burst forth, we struck a
+      deserted supply wagon, found a two-pound can of Boston baked beans, got an
+      axe from the load, chopped open the can, and had just finished the
+      tropical fruit of Massachusetts when our own team drove up, and joy and
+      hope made their homes once more in our hearts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We may learn from this a valuable lesson, but at this moment I do not know
+      exactly what it is.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0151" id="link2H_4_0151"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Lost Money.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Most anyone could collect and tell a good many incidents about lost money
+      that has been found, if he would try, but these cases came under my own
+      observation and I can vouch for their truth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A farmer in the Kinnekinnick Valley was paid $1,000 while he was loading
+      hay. He put it in his vest pocket, and after he had unloaded the hay he
+      discovered that he had lost it, and no doubt had pitched the whole load
+      into the mow on top of it. He went to work and pitched it all out, a
+      handful at a time, upon the barn floor, and when the hired man's
+      fork tine came up with a $100 bill on it he knew they had struck a lead.
+      He got it all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A man gave me two $5 bills once to pay a balance on some store teeth and
+      asked me to bring the teeth back with me. The dentist was fifteen miles
+      away and when I got there I found I had lost the money. That was before I
+      had amassed much of a fortune, so I went to the tooth foundry and told the
+      foreman that I had started with $10 to get a set of teeth for an intimate
+      friend, but had lost the funds. He said that my intimate friend would, no
+      doubt, have to gum it awhile. Owing to the recent shrinkage in values he
+      was obliged to sell teeth for cash, as the goods were comparatively
+      useless after they had been used one season. I went back over the same
+      road the next day and found the money by the side of the road, although a
+      hundred teams had passed by it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A young man, one spring, plowed a pocket-book and $30 in greenbacks under,
+      and by a singular coincidence the next spring it was plowed out, and,
+      though rotten clear through, was sent to the Treasury, where it was
+      discovered that the bills were on a Michigan National Bank, whither they
+      were sent and redeemed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I lost a roll of a hundred dollars the spring of '82, and hunted my
+      house and the office through, in search for it, in vain. I went over the
+      road between the office and the house twenty times, but it was useless. I
+      then advertised the loss of the money, giving the different denominations
+      of the bills and stating, as was the case, that there was an elastic band
+      around the roll when lost. The paper had not been issued more than an hour
+      before I got my money, every dollar of it. It was in the pocket of my
+      other vest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This should teach us, first, the value of advertising, and, secondly, the
+      utter folly of two vests at the same time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Apropos of recent bank failures, I want to tell this one on James S.
+      Kelley, commonly called &ldquo;Black Jim.&rdquo; He failed himself along
+      in the fifties, and by a big struggle had made out to pay everybody but Lo
+      Bartlett, to whom he was indebted in the sum of $18. He got this money,
+      finally, and as Lo wasn't in town, Black Jim put it in a bank, the
+      name of which has long ago sunk into oblivion. In fact, it began the
+      oblivion business about forty-eight hours after Jim had put his funds in
+      there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Meeting Lo on the street, Jim said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Your money is up in the Wild Oat Bank, Lo. I'll give you a
+      check for it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No use, old man, she's gone up.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No!!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Yes, she's a total wreck.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Jim went over to the president's room. He knocked as easy as he
+      could, considering that his breath was coming so hard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Who's there?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It's Jim Kelley, Black Jim, and I'm in something of a
+      hurry.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I'm very busy, Mr. Kelley. Come again this afternoon.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;That will be too remote. I am very busy myself. Now is the accepted
+      time. Will you open the door or shall I open it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The president opened it because it was a good door and he wanted to
+      preserve it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Black Jim turned the key in the door and sat down.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What did you want of me?&rdquo; says the president
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I wanted to see you about a certificate of deposit I've got
+      here on your bank for eighteen dollars.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;We can't pay it. Everything is gone.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, I am here to get $18 or to leave you looking like a giblet
+      pie. Eighteen dollars will relieve you of this mental strain, but if you
+      do not put up I will paper this wall with your classic features and ruin
+      the carpet with what remains.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The president hesitated a moment. Then he took a roll out of his boot and
+      paid Jim eighteen dollars.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You will not mention this on the street, of course,&rdquo; said the
+      president.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No,&rdquo; says Jim, &ldquo;not till I get there.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the crowd got back, however, the president had fled and he has
+      remained fled ever since. The longer he remained away and thought it over,
+      the more he became attached to Canada, and the more of a confirmed and
+      incurable fugitive he became.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw Black Jim last evening and he said he had passed through two bank
+      failures, but had always realized on his certificates of deposit. One
+      cashier told Jim that he was the homeliest man that ever looked through
+      the window of a busted bank. He said Kelley looked like a man who ate bank
+      cashiers on toast and directors raw with a slice of lemon on top.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0152" id="link2H_4_0152"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Dr. Dizart's Dog.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      A man whose mother-in-law had been successfully treated by the doctor, one
+      day presented him with a beautiful Italian hound named Nemesis.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I say that the able physician had treated the mother-in-law
+      successfully, I mean successfully from her son-in-law's standpoint,
+      and not from her own, for the doctor insisted on treating her for
+      small-pox when she had nothing but an attack of agnostics. She is now
+      sitting on the front stoop of the golden whence.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So, after the last sad rites, the broken-hearted son-in-law presented the
+      physician with a handsome hound with long, slender legs and a wire tail,
+      as a token of esteem and regard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The dog was young and playful, as all young dogs are, so he did many
+      little tricks which amused almost everyone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day, while the doctor was away administering a subcutaneous injection
+      of morphine to a hay-fever patient, he left Nemesis in the office alone
+      with a piece of rag-carpet and his surging thoughts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first Nemesis closed his eyes and breathed hard, then he arose and ate
+      part of an ottoman, then he got up and scratched the paper off the office
+      wall and whined in a sad tone of voice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A young Italian hound has a peculiarly sad and depressing song.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Nemesis got up on the desk and poured the ink and mucilage into one
+      of the drawers on some bandages and condition-powders that the doctor used
+      in his horse-practice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nemesis then looked out of the window and wailed. He filled the room with
+      robust wail and unavailing regret.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that he tried to dispel his <i>ennui</i> with one of the doctor's
+      old felt hats that hung on a chair; but the hair oil with which it was
+      saturated changed his mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The doctor had magenta hair, and to tone it down so that it would not
+      raise the rate of fire insurance on his office, he used to execute some
+      studies on it in oil&mdash;bear's oil.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This gave his hair a rich mahogany shade, and his hat smelled and looked
+      like an oil refinery.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason Nemesis spared the hat, and ate a couple of
+      porousplasters that his master was going to use on a case of croup.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At that time the doctor came in, and the dog ran to him with a glad cry of
+      pleasure, rubbing his cold nose against his master's hand. The able
+      veterinarian spoke roughly to Nemesis, and throwing a cigar-stub at him,
+      broke two of the animal's delicate legs.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: BUSTLE AND CONFUSION.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0403}.jpg" alt="{0403}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0403}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      After that there was a low discordant murmur and the angry hum of medical
+      works, lung-testers, glass jars containing tumors and other bric-a-brac,
+      paper-weights and Italian grayhound bisecting the orbit of a redheaded
+      horse-physician with dude shoes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the police came in, it was found that Nemesis had jumped through a
+      glass door and escaped on two legs and his ear.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Out through the autumnal haze, across the intervening plateau, over the
+      low foot-hills, and up the Medicine Bow Range, on and ever onward sped the
+      timid, grieved and broken-hearted pup, accumulating with wonderful
+      eagerness the intervening distance between himself and the cruel promoter
+      of the fly-blister and lingering death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How often do we thoughtlessly grieve the hearts of those who love us, and
+      drive forth into the pitiless world those who would gladly lick our hands
+      with their warm loving tongues, or warm their cold noses in the meshes of
+      our necks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How prone we are to forget the devotion of a dumb brute that thoughtlessly
+      eats our lace lambrequins, and ere we have stopped to consider our mad
+      course, we have driven the loving heart and the warm wet tongue and the
+      cold little black nose out of our home-life, perhaps into the cold, cold
+      grave or the bleak and relentless pound.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0153" id="link2H_4_0153"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Chinese Justice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      They do things differently in China. Here in America, when a man burgles
+      your residence, you go and confide in a detective, who keeps your secret
+      and gets another detective to help him. Generally that is the last of it.
+      In China, not long ago, the house of a missionary was entered and
+      valuables taken by the thieves. The missionary went to the authorities
+      with his tale and told them whom he suspected. That's the last he
+      heard of that for three weeks. Then he received a covered champagne basket
+      from the Department of Justice. On opening it he found the heads of the
+      suspected burglars packed in tinfoil and in a good state of preservation.
+      These heads were not sent necessarily for publication, but as an evidence
+      of good faith on the part of the Department of Unimpeded Justice. Mind
+      you, there was no postponement of the preliminary examination, no dilatory
+      motions and changes of venue, no pleas to the jurisdiction of the court,
+      no legal delays and final challenges of jurors until an idiotic jury had
+      been procured who hadn't read the papers, no ruling out of damaging
+      testimony, and finally filing of bill of exceptions, no appeal and delay,
+      or appeal afterward to another court which returned the defendant to the
+      court of original jurisdiction for review, and years of waiting for the
+      prosecuting witnesses to die of old age and thus release the defendant.
+      There is nothing of that kind in China. You just hand in your orders to
+      the judicial end of the administration, and then you retire. Later on, the
+      delivery man brings in your package of heads, makes a salaam, and goes
+      away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, this is swift and speedy justice for you. I don't know how the
+      guilt of the defendants is arrived at, but there's nothing tedious
+      about it. At least, there's nothing tedious to the complainant I
+      presume they make it red-hot for the criminal.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still this style of justice has its drawbacks. For instance, you are at
+      dinner. You have a large and select company dining with you. You are about
+      to carve the roast There is a ring at the door. The servant announces that
+      a judicial officer is at the drawbridge and desires to speak with you. You
+      pull your napkin out of your bosom, lay the carving knife down on the
+      virgin table cloth, and go to the door. There the minister of justice
+      presents you with a champagne basket and retires. You return to the dining
+      hall, leaving your basket on the sideboard. After a while you announce to
+      your guests that you have just received a basket of Mumm's extra dry
+      with the compliments of the government, and that you will, with the
+      permission of those present, open a bottle. You arm yourself with a
+      corkscrew, open the basket, and thoughtlessly tip it over, when two or
+      three human heads, with a pained and grieved expression on the face, roll
+      out on the table.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When you are looking for a quart bottle of sparkling wine and find instead
+      the cold, sad features and reproachful stare of the extremely deceased and
+      <i>hic jacet</i> Chinaman, you naturally betray your chagrin. I like to
+      see justice moderately swift, and, in fact I've seen it pretty
+      forthwith in its movements two or three times; but I cannot say that I
+      would be prepared for this style.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Perhaps I'm getting a little nervous in my old age, and a small
+      matter jars my equilibrium; but I'm sure a basket of heads handed in
+      as I was seated at the table would startle me a little at first, and I
+      might forget myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A friend of mine, under such circumstances, made what the English would
+      call &ldquo;a doosed clevah&rdquo; remark once in Shanghai. When he opened
+      the basket he was horrified, but he was cool. He was old sang froid from
+      Sangfroidville. He first took the basket and started for the back room,
+      with the remark: &ldquo;My friends, I guess you will have to ex-queuese
+      me.&rdquo; Then he pulled down his eyelids and laughed a hoarse English
+      laugh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0154" id="link2H_4_0154"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Answers to Correspondents.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Caller&mdash;Your calling cards should be modest as to size and neatly
+      engraved, with an extra flourish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In calling, there are two important things to be considered: First, when
+      to call, and, second, when to rise and hang on the door handle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Some make one-third of the call before rising, and then complete the call
+      while airing the house and holding the door open, while others consider
+      this low and vulgar, making at least one-fourth of the call in the hall,
+      and one-half between the front door and the gate. Different authorities
+      differ as to the proper time for calling. Some think you should not call
+      before 3 or after 5 P.M., but if you have had any experience and had
+      ordinary sense to start with, you will know when to call as soon as you
+      look at your hand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8407}.jpg" alt="{8407} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8407}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Amateur Prize Fighter.&mdash;The boxing glove is a large upholstered
+      buckskin mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a string by which it is
+      attached to the wrist, so that when you feed it to an adversary he cannot
+      swallow it and choke himself. There are two kinds of gloves, viz., hard
+      gloves and soft gloves.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I once fought with soft gloves to a finish with a young man who was far my
+      inferior intellectually, but he exceeded me in brute force and knowledge
+      of the use of the gloves. He was not so tall, but he was wider than
+      myself. Longitudinally he was my inferior, but latitudinally he
+      outstripped me. We did not fight a regular prize-fight. It was just done
+      for pleasure. But I do not think we should abandon ourselves entirely to
+      pleasure. It is enervating, and makes one eye swell up and turn blue.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I still think that a young man ought to have a knowledge of the manly art
+      of self-defense, and if I could acquire such a knowledge without getting
+      into a fight about it I would surely learn how to defend myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The boxing glove is worn on the hand of one party, and on the gory nose of
+      the other party as the game progresses. Soft gloves very rarely kill
+      anyone, unless they work down into the bronchial tubes and shut off the
+      respiration.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;HE EXCEEDED ME IN BRUTE FORCE."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8408}.jpg" alt="{8408} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8408}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Lecturer, New York City.&mdash;You need not worry so much about your
+      costume until you have written your lecture, and it would be a good idea
+      to test the public a little, if possible, before you do much expensive
+      printing. Your idea seems to be that a man should get a fine lithograph of
+      himself and a $100 suit of clothes, and then write his lecture to fit the
+      lithograph and the clothes. That is erroneous.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You say that you have written a part of your lecture, but do not feel
+      satisfied with it. In this you will no doubt find many people will agree
+      with you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You could wear a full dress suit of black with propriety, or a Prince
+      Albert coat, with your hand thrust into the bosom of it. I once lectured
+      on the subject of phrenology in the southern portion of Utah, being at
+      that time temporarily busted, but still hoping to tide over the dull times
+      by delivering a lecture on the subject of &ldquo;Brains, and how to detect
+      their presence.&rdquo; I was not supplied with a phrenological bust at
+      that time, and as such a thing is almost indispensable, I borrowed a young
+      man from Provost and induced him to act as bust for the evening. He did so
+      with thrilling effect, taking the entire gross receipts of the lecture
+      course from my coat pocket while I was illustrating the effect of
+      alcoholic stimulants on the raw brain of an adult in a state of health.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: MAKING REPAIRS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9408}.jpg" alt="{9408}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9408}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      You can remove spots of egg from your full dress suit with ammonia and
+      water, applied by means of a common nail brush. You do not ask for this
+      recipe, but, judging from your style, I hope that it may be of use to you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Martin F. Tupper, Texas.&mdash;The poem to which you allude was written by
+      Julia A. Moore, better known as the Sweet Singer of Michigan. The last
+      stanza was something like this:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  &ldquo;My childhood days are past and gone,
+    And it fills my heart with pain,
+  To think that youth will nevermore
+    Return to me again.
+  And now, kind friends, what I have wrote,
+    I hope you will pass o'er
+  And not criticise as some has hitherto here&mdash;
+    before done.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      Miss Moore also wrote a volume of poems which the farmers of Michigan are
+      still using on their potato bugs. She wrote a large number of poems, all
+      more or less saturated with grief and damaged syntax. She is now said to
+      be a fugitive from justice. We should learn from this that we cannot evade
+      the responsibility of our acts, and those who write obituary poetry will
+      one day be overtaken by a bob-tail sleuth hound or a Siberian nemesis with
+      two rows of teeth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Alonzo G., Smithville.&mdash;Yes, you can learn three card monte without a
+      master. It is very easy. The book will cost you twenty-five cents and then
+      you can practice on various people. The book is a very small item, you
+      will find, after you have been practicing awhile. Three card monte and
+      justifiable homicide go hand in hand. 2. You can turn a jack from the
+      bottom of the pack in the old sledge, if you live in some States, but west
+      of the Missouri the air is so light that men who have tried it have
+      frequently waked up on the shore of eternity with a half turned jack in
+      their hand, and a hole in the cerebellum the size of an English walnut.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You can get &ldquo;Poker and Three Card Monte without a Master&rdquo; for
+      sixty cents, with a coroner's verdict thrown in. If you contemplate
+      a career as a monte man, you should wear a pair of low, loose shoes that
+      you can kick off easily, unless you want to die with your boots on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Henry Ubet, Montana.&mdash;No, you are mistaken in your assumption that
+      Socrates was the author of the maxim to which you allude. It is of more
+      modern origin, and, in fact, the sentence of which you speak, viz: &ldquo;What
+      a combination of conflicting and paradoxical assertions is life? Of what
+      use are logic and argument when we find the true inwardness of the bologna
+      sausage on the outside?&rdquo; were written by a philosopher who is still
+      living. I am willing to give Socrates credit for what he has said and
+      done, but when I think of a sentiment that is worthy to be graven on a
+      monolith and passed on down to prosperity, I do not want to have it
+      attributed to such men as Socrates.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Leonora Vivian Gobb, Oleson's Forks, Ariz.&mdash;Yes. You can turn
+      the front breadths, let out the tucks in the side plaiting and baste on a
+      new dagoon where you caught the oyster stew in your lap at the party. You
+      could also get trusted for a new dress, perhaps. But that is a matter of
+      taste. Some dealers are wearing their open accounts long this winter and
+      some are not. Do as you think best about cleaning the dress. Benzine will
+      sometimes eradicate an oyster stew from dress goods. It will also
+      eradicate everyone in the room at the same time. I have known a pair of
+      rejuvenated kid gloves to break up a funeral that started out with every
+      prospect of success. Benzine is an economical thing to use, but socially
+      it is not up to the standard. Another idea has occurred to me, however.
+      Why not riprap the skirt, calk the solvages, readjust the box plaits, cat
+      stitch the crown sheet, file down the gores, sandpaper the gaiters and
+      discharge the dolman. You could then wear the garment anywhere in the
+      evening, and half the people wouldn't know anything had happened to
+      it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      James, Owatonna, Minn.&mdash;You can easily teach yourself to play on the
+      tuba. You know what Shakespeare says: &ldquo;Tuba or not tuba? That's
+      the question.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How true this is? It touches every heart. It is as good a soliliquy as I
+      ever read. P.S.&mdash;Please do not swallow the tuba while practicing and
+      choke yourself to death. It would be a shame for you to swallow a nice new
+      tuba and cast a gloom over it so that no one else would ever want to play
+      on it again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Florence.&mdash;You can stimulate your hair by using castor oil three
+      ounces, brandy one ounce. Put the oil on the sewing machine, and absorb
+      the brandy between meals. The brandy will no doubt fly right to your head
+      and either greatly assist your hair or it will reconcile you to your lot.
+      The great attraction about brandy as a hair tonic is, that it should not
+      build up the thing. If you wish, you may drink the brandy and then breathe
+      hard on the scalp. This will be difficult at first but after awhile it
+      will not seem irksome.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0155" id="link2H_4_0155"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Parties desiring to buy a job-lot of garden tools, will do well to call
+      and examine my stock. These implements have been but slightly used, and
+      are comparatively as good as new. The lot consists in part of the
+      following:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One three-cornered hoe, Gothic in its architecture and in good running
+      order. It is the same one I erroneously hoed up the carnation with, and
+      may be found, I think, behind the barn, where I threw it when I discovered
+      my error. Original cost of hoe, six bits. Will be closed out now at two
+      bits to make room for new goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Also one garden rake, almost as good as new. One front tooth needs
+      filling, and then it will be as good as ever. I sell this weapon, not so
+      much to get rid of it, but because I do not want it any more. I shall not
+      garden any next spring. I do not need to. I began it to benefit my health,
+      and my health is now so healthy that I shall not require the open-air
+      exercise incident to gardening any more. In fact, I am too robust, if
+      anything. I will, therefore, acting upon the advice of my royal physician,
+      close this rake out, since the failure of the Northwestern Car Company, at
+      50 cents on the dollar.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Also one lawn-mower, only used once. At that time I cut down what grass I
+      had on my lawn, and three varieties of high-priced rose bushes. It is one
+      of the most hardy open-air lawn-mowers now made. It will outlive any other
+      lawn-mower, and be firm and unmoved when all the shrubbery has gone to
+      decay. You can also mow your peony bed with it, if you desire. I tried it.
+      This is also an easy running lawn-mower, I would recommend it to any man
+      who would like to soak his lawn with perspiration. I mowed my lawn, and
+      then pushed a street-car around in the afternoon to relax my over-strained
+      muscles. I will sacrifice this lawn-mower at three-quarters of its
+      original cost, owing to depression in the stock of the New Jerusalem gold
+      mine, of which I am a large owner and cashier-at-large.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Will also sell a bright new spade, only used two hours spading for
+      angle-worms. This is a good, early-blooming and very hardy angle-worm
+      spade, built in the Doric style of architecture. Persons desiring a spade
+      flush, and lacking one spade to &ldquo;fill,&rdquo; will do well to give
+      me a call. No trouble to show the goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I will also part with a small chest of carpenter's tools, only
+      slightly used. I had intended to do a good deal of amateur carpenter work
+      this summer, but, as the presidential convention occurs in June, and I
+      shall have to attend to that, and as I have already sawed up a Queen Anne
+      chair, and thoughtlessly sawed into my leg, I shall probably sacrifice the
+      tools. These tools are all well made, and I do not sell them to make money
+      on them, but because I have no use for them. I feel as though these tools
+      would be safer in the hands of a carpenter. I'm no carpenter. My
+      wife admitted that when I sawed a board across the piano-stool and sawed
+      the what-do-you-call-it all out of the cushion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: OPEN-AIR EXERCISE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0412}.jpg" alt="{0412}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0412}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Anyone desiring to monkey with the carpenter's trade, will do well
+      to consult my catalogue and price-list. I will throw in a white holly
+      corner-bracket, put together with fence nails, and a rustic settee that
+      looks like the Cincinnati riot. Young men who do not know much, and
+      invalids whose minds have become affected, are cordially invited to call
+      and examine goods. For a cash trade I will also throw in arnica,
+      court-plaster and salve enough to run the tools two weeks, if ordinary
+      care be taken.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If properly approached, I might also be wheedled into sacrificing an
+      easy-running domestic wheelbarrow. I have domesticated it myself and
+      taught it a great many tricks.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0157" id="link2H_4_0157"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Convention.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The officers and members of the Home for Disabled Butter and Hoary-headed
+      Hotel Hash met at their mosque last Saturday evening, and, after the roll
+      call, reading of the moments of the preceding meeting by the Secretary,
+      singing of the ode and examination of all present to ascertain if they
+      were in possession of the quarterly password, explanation and signs of
+      distress, the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi, having reached the order of
+      communications and new business and good of the order, stated that the
+      society was now ready to take action, or, at least, to discuss the
+      feasibility of holding a series of entertainments at the rink. These
+      entertainments had been proposed as a means of propping up the tottering
+      finances of the society, and procuring much-needed funds for the purpose
+      of purchasing new regalia for the Most Esteemed Duke of the Dishrag and
+      the Most Esteemed Hired Man, each of whom had been wearing the same red
+      calico collar and cheese-cloth sash since the organization of the society.
+      Funds were also necessary to pay for a brother who had walked through a
+      railroad trestle into the shoreless sea of eternity, and whose widow had a
+      policy of $135.25 against this society on the life of her husband.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Various suggestions were made; among them was the idea advanced by the
+      Most Highly Esteemed Inside Door-Slammer that, as the society's
+      object was, of course, to obtain funds, would it not be well to consider,
+      in the first place, whether it would not be as well for the Most Esteemed
+      Toolymuckahi to appoint six brethren in good standing to arm themselves
+      with great care, gird up their loins and muzzle the pay-car as it started
+      out on its mission. He simply offered this as a suggestion, and, as it was
+      a direct method of securing the coin necessary, he would move that such a
+      committee be appointed by the Chair to wait on the pay-car and draw on it
+      at sight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Most Esteemed Keeper of the Cork-screw seconded the motion, in order,
+      as he said, to get it before the house. This brought forward very hot
+      discussion, pending which the presiding officer could see very plainly
+      that the motion was unpopular.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A visiting brother from Yellowstone Park Creamery No. 17, stated that in
+      their society &ldquo;an entertainment of this kind had been given for the
+      purpose of pouring a flood of wealth into the coffers of the society, and
+      it had been fairly successful. Among the attractions there had been
+      nothing of an immoral or lawless nature whatever. In the first place, a
+      kind of farewell oyster gorge had been given, with cove oysters as a
+      basis, and $2 a couple as an after-thought. A can of cove oysters
+      entertained thirty people and made $30 for the society. Besides, it was
+      found after the party had broken up that, owing to the adhesive properties
+      of the oysters, they were not eaten; but the juice, as it were, had been
+      scooped up and the puckered and corrugated gizzards of the sea had been
+      preserved. Acting upon this suggestion, the society had an oyster patty
+      debauch the following evening at $2 a couple. Forty suckers came and put
+      their means into the common fund. We didn't have enough oysters to
+      quite go around, so some of us cut a dozen out of an old boot leg, and the
+      entertainment was a great success. We also had other little devices for
+      making money, which worked admirably and yielded much profit to the
+      society. Those present also said that they had never enjoyed themselves so
+      much before. Many little games were played, which produced great merriment
+      and considerable coin. I could name a dozen devices for your society, if
+      desired, by which money could be made for your treasury, without the risk
+      or odium necessarily resulting from robbing the pay-car or a bank, and yet
+      the profit will be nearly as great in proportion to the work done.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here the gavel of the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi fell with a sickening
+      thud, and the visiting brother was told that the time assigned to
+      communications, new business and good of the order had expired, but that
+      the discussion would be taken up at the next session, in one week, at
+      which time it was the purpose of the chair to hear and note all
+      suggestions relative to an entertainment to be given at a future date by
+      the society for the purpose of obtaining the evanescent scad and for the
+      successful flash of the reluctant boodle.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0158" id="link2H_4_0158"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Come Back.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Personal.&mdash;Will the young woman who used to cook in our family, and
+      who went away ten pounds of sugar and five and a half pounds of tea ahead
+      of the game, please come back, and all will be forgiven.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If she cannot return, will she please write, stating her present address,
+      and also give her reasons for shutting up the cat in the refrigerator when
+      she went away?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If she will only return, we will try to forget the past, and think only of
+      the glorious present and the bright, bright future.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Come back, Sarah, and jerk the waffle-iron for us once more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your manners are peculiar, but we yearn for your doughnuts, and your style
+      of streaked cake suits us exactly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You may keep the handkerchiefs and the collars, and we will not refer to
+      the dead past.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have arranged it so that when you snore it will not disturb the night
+      police, and if you do not like our children we will send them away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We realize that you do not like children very well, and our children
+      especially gave you much pain, because they were not so refined as you
+      were.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We have often wished, for your sake, that we had never had any children;
+      but so long as they are in our family, the neighbors will rather expect us
+      to take care of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still, if you insist upon it, we will send them away. We don't want
+      to seem overbearing with our servants.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We would be willing, also, to give you more time for mental relaxation
+      than you had before. The intellectual strain incident to the life of one
+      who makes gravy for a lost and undone world must be very great, and tired
+      nature must at last succumb. We do not want you to succumb. If anyone has
+      got to succumb, let us do it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All we ask is that you will let us know when you are going away, and leave
+      the crackers and cheese where we can find them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was rather rough on us to have you go away when we had guests in the
+      house, but if you had not taken the key to the cooking department we could
+      have worried along.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You ought to let us have company at the house sometimes if we will let you
+      have company when you want to. Still, you know best, perhaps. You are
+      older than we are, and you have seen more of the world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We miss your gentle admonitions and your stern reproofs sadly. Come back
+      and reprove us again. Come back and admonish us once more, at so much per
+      admonish and groceries.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;WE HOPE YOU WILL DO THE SAME BY US."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0416}.jpg" alt="{0416}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0416}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      We will agree to let you select the tender part of the steak, and such
+      fruit as seems to strike you favorably, just as we did before. We did not
+      like it when you were here, but that is because we were young and did not
+      know what the custom was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If a life-time devoted to your welfare can obliterate the injustice we
+      have done you, we will be glad to yield it to you.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you could suggest a good place for us to send the children, where they
+      would be well taken care of, and where they would not interfere with some
+      other cook who is a friend of yours, we would be glad to have you write
+      us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife says she hopes you will feel perfectly free to use the piano
+      whenever you are lonely or sad, and when you or the bread feel depressed
+      you will be welcome to come into the parlor and lean up against either one
+      of us and sob.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We all know that when you were with us before we were a little reserved in
+      our manner toward you, but if you come back it will be different.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We will introduce you to more of our friends this time, and we hope you
+      will do the same by us. Young people are apt to get above their business,
+      and we admit that we were wrong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Come back and oversee our fritter bureau once more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Take the portfolio of our interior department.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Try to forget our former coldness.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Return, oh, wanderer, return!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0159" id="link2H_4_0159"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A New Play.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following letter was written, recently, in reply to a dramatist who
+      proposed the matter of writing a play jointly.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hudson, Wis., Nov. 13, 1886.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Scott Marble, Esq.&mdash;Dear Sir: I have just received your favor of
+      yesterday, in which you ask me to unite with you in the construction of a
+      new play.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This idea has been suggested to me before, but not in such a way as to
+      inaugurate the serious thought which your letter has stirred up in my
+      seething mass of mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would like very much to unite with you in the erection of such a
+      dramatic structure that people would cheerfully come to this country from
+      Europe, and board with us for months in order to see this play every
+      night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You will surely agree with me that someone ought to write a play. Why it
+      has not been done long ago, I cannot understand. A well known comedian
+      told me a year ago that he hadn't been able to look into a paper for
+      sixteen months. He could not even read over the proof of his own press
+      notices and criticisms, to ascertain whether the printer had set them up
+      as he wrote them or not, simply because it took all his spare time off the
+      stage to examine the manuscripts of plays that had been submitted to him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I think we could arrange it so that we might together construct
+      something in that line which would at least attract the attention of our
+      families.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Would you mind telling me, for instance, how you write a play? You have
+      been in the business before, and you could tell me, of course, some of the
+      salient points about it. Do you write it with a typewriter, or do you
+      dictate your thoughts to someone who does not resent being dictated to?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do you write a play and then dramatize it, or do you write the drama and
+      then play on it? Would it not be a very good idea to secure a plot that
+      would cost very little, and then put the kibosh on it, or would you put up
+      the lines first, and then hang the plot or drama, or whatever it is, on
+      the lines? Is it absolutely necessary to have a prologue? If so, what is a
+      prologue? Is it like a catalogue?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have a great many crude ideas, but you see I am not practical. One of my
+      crude ideas is to introduce into the play an artist's studio. This
+      would not cost much, for we could borrow the studio evenings and allow the
+      artist to use it daytimes. Then we would introduce into the studio scene
+      the artist's living model. Everybody would be horrified, but they
+      would go. They would walk over each other to attend the drama, and we
+      would do well. Our living model in the studio act would be made of common
+      wax, and if it worked well, we would discharge other members of the
+      company and substitute wax. Gradually we could get it down to where the
+      company would be wax, with the exception of a janitor with a feather
+      duster. Think that over.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But seriously, a play, it seems to me, should embody an idea. Am I correct
+      in that theory or not? It ought to convey some great thought, some maxim
+      or aphorism, or some such a thing as that. How would it do to arrange a
+      play with the idea of impressing upon the audience that &ldquo;the fool
+      and his money are soon parted?&rdquo; Are you using a hero and a heroine
+      in your plays now? If so, would you mind writing their lines for them,
+      while I arrange the details and remarks for the young man who is
+      discovered asleep on a divan when the curtain rises, and who sleeps on
+      through the play with his mouth slightly ajar till the close&mdash;the
+      close of the play, not the close of his mouth&mdash;when it is discovered
+      that he is dead. He then plays the cold remains in the closing tableau,
+      and fills a new-made grave at $9 per week.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could also write the lines, I think, for the young man who comes in
+      wearing a light summer cane and a seersucker coat so tight that you can
+      count his vertebrae. I could write what he would say without great mental
+      strain, I think. I must avoid mental strain or my intellect might split
+      down the back and I would be a mental wreck, good for nothing but to strew
+      the shores of time with myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Various other crude ideas present themselves to my mind, but they need to
+      be clothed. You will say that this is unnecessary. I know you will at once
+      reply that, for the stage, the less you clothe an idea the more popular it
+      will be, but I could not consent to have even a bare thought of mine make
+      an appearance night after night before a cultivated audience.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      What do you think of introducing a genuine case of small-pox on the stage?
+      You say in your letter that what the American people clamor for is
+      something &ldquo;catchy.&rdquo; That would be catchy, and it would also
+      introduce itself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish you would also tell me what kind of diet you confine yourself to
+      while writing a play, and how you go to work to procure it. Do you live on
+      a mixed diet, or on your relatives? Would you soak your head while writing
+      a play, or would you soak your overcoat? I desire to know all these
+      things, because, Mr. Marble, to tell you the truth, I am as ignorant about
+      this matter as the babe unborn. In fact, posterity would have to get up
+      early in the morning to know less about play-writing than I have succeeded
+      in knowing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If we are to make a kind of comedy, my idea would be to introduce
+      something facetious in the middle of the comedy. No one will expect it,
+      you see, and it will tickle the audience almost to death.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A friend of mine suggests that it would be a great hit to introduce, or
+      rather to reproduce, the Hell Gate explosion. Many were not able to be
+      there at the time, and would willingly go a long distance to witness the
+      reproduction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish that you would reply to this letter at an early date, telling me
+      what you think of the schemes suggested. Feel perfectly free to express
+      yourself fully. I am not too proud to receive your suggestions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0160" id="link2H_4_0160"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Silver Dollar.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      It would seem at this time, while so little is being said on the currency
+      question, and especially by the men who really control the currency, that
+      a word from me would not be out of place. Too much talking has been done
+      by those only who have a theoretical knowledge of money and its eccentric
+      habits. People with a mere smattering of knowledge regarding national
+      currency have been loquacious, while those who have made the matter a
+      study, have been kept in the background.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At this period in the history of our country, there seems to be a general
+      stringency, and many are in the stringency business who were never that
+      way before. Everything seems to be demonetized. The demonetization of
+      groceries is doing as much toward the general wiggly palsy of trade as
+      anything I know of.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But I may say, in alluding briefly to the silver dollar, that there are
+      worse calamities than the silver dollar. Other things may occur in our
+      lives, which, in the way of sadness and three-cornered gloom, make the
+      large, robust dollar look like an old-fashioned half-dime.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I met a man the other day, who, two years ago, was running a small paper
+      at Larrabie's Slough. He was then in his meridian as a journalist,
+      and his paper was frequently quoted by such widely-read publications as
+      the <i>Knight of Labor at Work</i>, a humorous semi-monthly journal. He
+      boldly assailed the silver dollar, and with his trenchant pen he wrote
+      such burning words of denunciation that the printer had to set them on ice
+      before he could use the copy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Last week I met him on a Milwaukee &amp; St. Paul train. He was very thin
+      in flesh, and the fire of defiance was no longer in his eye. I asked him
+      how he came on with the paper at Larrabie's Slough. He said it was
+      no more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;It started out,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;in a fearless way, but it
+      was not sustained.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He then paused in a low tone of voice, gulped, and proceeded:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Folks told me when I began that I ought to attack almost
+      everything. Make the paper non-partisan, but aggressive, that was their
+      idea. Sail into everything, and the paper would soon be a power in the
+      land. So I aggressed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Friends came in very kindly and told me what to attack. They would
+      neglect their own business in order to tell me of corruption in somebody
+      else. I went on that way for some time in a defiant mood, attacking
+      anything that happened to suggest itself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Finally I thought I would attack the silver dollar. I did so. I
+      thought that friends would come to me and praise me for my manly words,
+      and that I could afford to lose the friendship of the dollar provided I
+      could win friends.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;In six months I took an unexpired annual pass over our Larrabie
+      Slough Narrow-Gauge, or Orphan Road, and with nothing else but the clothes
+      I wore, I told the plaintiff how to jerk the old Washington press and went
+      away. The dear old Washington press that had more than once squatted my
+      burning words into the pure white page. The dear old towel on which I had
+      wiped my soiled hands for years, until it had almost become a part of
+      myself, the dark blue Gordon press with its large fly wheel and
+      intermittent chattel mortgage, a press, to which I had contributed the
+      first joint of my front finger; the editor's chair; the samples of
+      large business cards printed in green with an inflamed red border, which
+      showed that we could do colored work at Larrabie's Slough just as
+      well as they could in the large cities; the files of our paper; the large
+      wilted potato that Mr. Alonzo G. Pinkham of Erin Corners kindly laid on
+      our table-all, all had to go.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I fled out into the great, hollow, mocking world of people who had
+      requested me to aggress. They were people who had called my attention to
+      various things which I ought to attack. I had attacked those things. I had
+      also attacked the Larrabie Slough Narrow-Gauge Railroad, but the manager
+      did not see the attack, and so my pass was good.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;What could I do?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I had attacked everything, and more especially the silver dollar,
+      and now I was homeless. For fourteen weeks I rode up the narrow-gauge road
+      one day and back the next, subsisting solely on the sample of nice pecan
+      meat that the newsboy puts in each passenger's lap.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You look incredulous, I see, but it is true.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I feel differently toward the currency now, and I wish I could undo
+      what I have done. Were I called up again to jerk the Archimedean lever, I
+      would not be so aggressive, especially as regards the currency. Whether it
+      is inflated or not, silver dollars, paper certificates of deposit or
+      silver bullion, it does not matter to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I yearn for two or three adult doughnuts and one of those thick,
+      dappled slabs of gingerbread, or slat of pie with gooseberries in it. I
+      presume that I could write a scathing editorial on the abuses of our
+      currency yet, but I am not so much in the scathe business as I used to be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I wish you would state, if you will, through some great
+      metropolitan journal, that my views in relation to the silver coinage and
+      the currency question have undergone a radical change, and that any plan
+      whatever, by which to make the American dollar less skittish, will meet
+      with my hearty approval.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;If I have done anything at all through my paper to injure or
+      repress the flow of our currency, and I fear I have, I now take this
+      occasion to cheerfully regret it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He then wrung my hand and passed from my sight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0161" id="link2H_4_0161"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Polygamy as a Religious Duty.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      During the past few years in the history of our republic, we have had
+      leprosy, yellow fever and the dude, and it seemed as though each one would
+      wreck the whole national fabric at one time. National and international
+      troubles of one kind and another have gradually risen, been met and
+      mastered, but the great national abscess known as the Church of Jesus
+      Christ of Latter Day Saints still obstinately refuses to come to a head.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I may be a radical monogamist and a rash enthusiast upon this matter, but
+      I still adhere to my original motto, one country, one flag and one wife at
+      a time. Matrimony is a good thing, but it can be overdone. We can excuse
+      the man who becomes a collection of rare coins, stamps, or autographs, but
+      he who wears out his young life making a collection of wives, should be
+      looked upon with suspicion.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After all, however, this matter has always been, and still is, treated
+      with too much levity. It seems funny to us, at a distance of 1,600 miles,
+      that a thick-necked patriarch in the valley of the Jordan should be sealed
+      to thirteen or fourteen low-browed, half human females, and that the whole
+      mass of humanity should live and multiply under one roof.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Those who see the wealthy polygamists of Salt Lake City, do not know much
+      of the horrors of trying to make polygamy and poverty harmonize in the
+      rural districts. In the former case, each wife has a separate residence or
+      suite of rooms, perhaps; but in the latter is the aggregation of vice and
+      depravity, doubly horrible because, instead of the secluded character
+      which wickedness generally assumes, here it is the common heritage of the
+      young and at once fails to shock or horrify.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Under the All-seeing eye, and the Bee Hive, and the motto, &ldquo;Holiness
+      to the Lord,&rdquo; with a bogus Bible and a red-nosed prophet, who couldn't
+      earn $13. per month pounding sand, this so called church hanging on to the
+      horns of the altar, as it were, defies the statutes, and while in open
+      rebellion against the laws of God and man, refers to the constitution of
+      the United States as protecting it in its &ldquo;religious belief.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In a poem, the patient Mormon in the picturesque valley of the Great Salt
+      Lake, where he has &ldquo;made the desert blossom as the rose,&rdquo;
+      looks well. With the wonderful music of the great organ at the tabernacle
+      sounding in your ears, and the lofty temple near by towering to the sky,
+      you say to yourself, there is, after all, something solemn and impressive
+      in all this; but when a greasy apostle in an alapaca duster, takes his
+      place behind the elevated desk, and with bad grammar and slangy sentences,
+      asks God in a businesslike way to bless this buzzing mass of unclean,
+      low-browed, barbarous scum of all foreign countries, and the white trash
+      and criminals of our own, you find no reverence, and no religious awe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The same mercenary, heartless lunacy that runs through the sickly
+      plagiarism of the Book of Mormon, pervades all this, and instead of the
+      odor of sanctity you notice the flavor of bilge water, and the emigrant's
+      own hailing sign, the all-pervading fragrance of the steerage.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Education is the foe of polygamy, and many of the young who have had the
+      means by which to complete their education in the East, are apostate, at
+      least so far as polygamy is concerned. Still, to the great mass of the
+      poor and illiterate of Mormondom this is no benefit. The rich of the
+      Mormon Church are rich because their influence with this great fraud has
+      made them so; and it would, as a matter of business, injure their
+      prospects to come out and bolt the nomination.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE FAMILY WASH.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8425}.jpg" alt="{8425} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8425}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Utah, even with the Edmunds bill, is hopelessly Mormon; all adjoining
+      States and Territories are already invaded by them, and the delegate in
+      Congress from Wyoming is elected by the Mormon vote.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I believe that I am moderately liberal and free upon all religious
+      matters, but when a man's confession of faith involves from three to
+      twenty-seven old corsets in the back yard every spring, and a clothes line
+      every Monday morning that looks like a bridal trousseau emporium struck by
+      a cyclone, I must admit that I am a little bit inclined to be sectarian in
+      my views.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It's bad enough to be slapped across the features by one pair of
+      long wet hose on your way to the barn, but to have a whole bankrupt stock
+      of cold, wet garments every week fold their damp arms around your neck, as
+      you dodge under the clothes line to drive the cow out of the yard, is
+      wrong.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is not good for man to be alone, of course, but why should he yearn to
+      fold a young ladies' seminary to his bosom? Why should this morbid
+      sentiment prompt him to marry a Female Suffrage Mass Meeting? I do not
+      wish to be considered an extremist in religious matters, but the doctrine
+      that requires me to be sealed to a whole emigrant train, seems unnatural
+      and inconsistent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0162" id="link2H_4_0162"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Newspaper.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      An Address Delivered Before the Wisconsin State Press Association, at
+      White-Water, Wis., August 11, 1886.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. President and Gentlemen of the Press of Wisconsin:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am sure that when you so kindly invited me to address you to-day, you
+      did not anticipate a lavish display of genius and gestures. I accepted the
+      invitation because it afforded me an opportunity to meet you and to get
+      acquainted with you, and tell you personally that for years I have been a
+      constant reader of your valuable paper and I like it. You are running it
+      just as I like to see a newspaper run.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I need not elaborate upon the wonderful growth of the press in our
+      country, or refer to the great power which journalism wields in the
+      development of the new world. I need not ladle out statistics to show you
+      how the newspaper has encroached upon the field of oratory and how the
+      pale and silent man, while others sleep, compiles the universal history of
+      a day and tells his mighty audience what he thinks about it before he goes
+      to bed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Of course, this is but the opinion of one man, but who has a better
+      opportunity to judge than he who sits with his finger on the electric
+      pulse of the world, judging the actions of humanity at so much per judge,
+      invariably in advance?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I need not tell you all this, for you certainly know it if you read your
+      paper, and I hope you do. A man ought to read his own paper, even if he
+      cannot endorse all its sentiments.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So necessary has the profession of journalism become to the progress and
+      education of our country, that the matter of establishing schools where
+      young men may be fitted for an active newspaper life, has attracted much
+      attention and discussion. It has been demonstrated that our colleges do
+      not fit a young man to walk at once into the active management of a paper.
+      He should at least know the difference between a vile contemporary and a
+      Gothic scoop.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is difficult to map out a proper course for the student in a school of
+      journalism, there are so many things connected with the profession which
+      the editor and his staff should know and know hard. The newspaper of
+      to-day is a library. It is an encyclopaedia, a poem, a biography, a
+      history, a prophecy, a directory, a time-table, a romance, a cook book, a
+      guide, a horoscope, an art critic, a political resume, a <i>multum in
+      parvo</i>. It is a sermon, a song, a circus, an obituary, a picnic, a
+      shipwreck, a symphony in solid brevier, a medley of life and death, a
+      grand aggregation of man's glory and his shame. It is, in short, a
+      bird's-eye-view of all the magnanimity and meanness, the joys and
+      griefs, the births and deaths, the pride and poverty of the world, and all
+      for two cents&mdash;sometimes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I could tell you some more things that the newspaper of to-day is, if you
+      had time to stay here and your business would not suffer in your absence.
+      Among others it is a long felt want, a nine-column paper in a five-column
+      town, a lying sheet, a feeble effort, a financial problem, a tottering
+      wreck, a political tool and a sheriff's sale.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If I were to suggest a curriculum for the young man who wished to take a
+      regular course in a school of journalism, preferring that to the actual
+      experience, I would say to him, devote the first two years to meditation
+      and prayer. This will prepare the young editor for the surprise and
+      consequent temptation to profanity which in a few years he may experience
+      when he finds that the name of the Deity in his double-leaded editorial is
+      spelled with a little &ldquo;g,&rdquo; and the peroration of the article
+      is locked up between a death notice and the advertisement of a patent
+      moustache coaxer, which is to follow pure reading matter every day in the
+      week and occupy the top of column on Sunday tf.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The ensuing five years should be devoted to the peculiar orthography of
+      the English language.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then put in three years with the dumb bells, sand bags, slung shots and
+      tomahawk. In my own journalistic experience I have found more cause for
+      regret over my neglect of this branch than anything else. I usually keep
+      on my desk during a heated campaign, a large paper weight, weighing three
+      or four pounds, and in several instances I have found that I could feed
+      that to a constant reader of my valuable paper instead of a retraction.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fewer people lick the editor though, now, than did so in years gone by.
+      Many people&mdash;in the last two years&mdash;have gone across the street
+      to lick the editor and never returned. They intended to come right back in
+      a few moments, but they are now in a land where a change of heart and a
+      palm leaf fan is all they need.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fewer people are robbing the editor now-a-days, too, I notice with much
+      pleasure. Only a short time ago I noticed that a burglar succeeded in
+      breaking into the residence of a Dakota journalist, and after a long, hard
+      struggle the editor succeeded in robbing him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After the primary course, mapped out already, an intermediate course of
+      ten years should be given to learning the typographical art, so that when
+      visitors come in and ask the editor all about the office, he can tell them
+      of the mysteries of making a paper, and how delinquent subscribers have
+      frequently been killed by a well-directed blow with a printer's
+      towel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Five years should be devoted to a study of the art of proof-reading. In
+      that length of time the young journalist can perfect himself to such a
+      degree that it will take another five years for the printer to understand
+      his corrections and marginal notes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Fifteen years should then be devoted to the study of American politics,
+      especially civil service reform, looking at it from a non-partisan
+      standpoint. If possible, the last five years should be spent abroad.
+      London is the place to go if you wish to get a clear, concise view of
+      American politics, and Chicago or Milwaukee would be a good place for the
+      young English journalist to go and study the political outlook of England.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The student should then take a medical and surgical course, so that he may
+      be able to attend to contusions, fractures and so forth, which may occur
+      to himself or to the party who may come to his office for a retraction and
+      by mistake get his spinal column double-leaded.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ten years should then be given to the study of law. No thorough,
+      metropolitan editor wants to enter upon the duties of his profession
+      without knowing the difference between a writ of <i>mandamus</i> and other
+      styles of profanity. He should thoroughly understand the entire system of
+      American jurisprudence, so that in case a <i>certiorari</i> should break
+      out in his neighborhood he would know just what to do for it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The student will, by this time, begin to see what is required of him and
+      enter with great zeal upon the further study of his profession.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He will now enter upon a theological course of ten years and fit himself
+      thoroughly to speak intelligently of the various creeds and religions of
+      the world. Ignorance or the part of an editor is almost a crime, and when
+      he closes a powerful editorial with the familiar quotation, &ldquo;It is
+      the early bird that catches the worm,&rdquo; and attributes it to St. Paul
+      instead of Deuteronomy, it makes me blush for the profession.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The last ten years may be profitably devoted to the acquisition of a
+      practical knowledge of cutting cordwood, baking beans, making shirts,
+      lecturing, turning double handsprings, being shot out of a catapult at a
+      circus, learning how to make a good adhesive paste that will not sour in
+      hot weather, grinding scissors, punctuating, capitalization, condemnation,
+      syntax, plain sewing, music and dancing, sculpting, etiquette, prosody,
+      how to win the affections of the opposite sex and evade a malignant case
+      of breach of promise, the ten commandments, every man his own tooter on
+      the flute, croquet, rules of the prize ring, rhetoric, parlor magic,
+      calisthenics, penmanship, how to run a jack from the bottom of the pack
+      without getting shot, civil engineering, decorative art, kalsomining,
+      bicycling, base ball, hydraulics, botany, poker, international law,
+      high-low-jack, drawing and painting, faro, vocal music, driving, breaking
+      team, fifteen ball pool, how to remove grease spots from last year's
+      pantaloons, horsemanship, coupling freight cars, riding on a rail, riding
+      on a pass, feeding threshing machines, how to wean a calf from the parent
+      stem, teaching school, bull-whacking, plastering, waltzing, vaccination,
+      autopsy, how to win the affections of your wife's mother, every man
+      his own washerwoman, or how to wash underclothes so they will not shrink,
+      etc., etc.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But time forbids anything like a thorough list of what a young man should
+      study in order to fully understand all that he may be called upon to
+      express an opinion about in his actual experience as a journalist. There
+      are a thousand little matters which every editor should know; such, for
+      instance, as the construction of roller composition. Many newspaper men
+      can write a good editorial on Asiatic cholera, but their roller
+      composition is not fit to eat.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With the course of study that I have mapped out, the young student would
+      emerge from the college of journalism at the age of 95 or 96, ready to
+      take off his coat and write an article on almost any subject. He would be
+      a little giddy at first, and the office boy would have to see that he went
+      to bed at a proper time each night, but aside from that, he would be a
+      good man to feed a waste paper basket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Actual experience is the best teacher in this peculiarly trying
+      profession. I hope some day to attend a press convention where the order
+      of exercise will consist of five-minute experiences from each one present
+      It would be worth listening to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My own experience was a little peculiar. It was my intention at first to
+      practice law, when I went to the Rocky Mountains, although I had been
+      warned by the authorities not to do so. Still, I did practice in a
+      surreptitious kind of a way, and might have been practicing yet if my
+      client hadn't died. When you have become attached to a client and
+      respect and like him, and then when, without warning, like a bolt of
+      electricity from a clear sky, he suddenly dies and takes the bread right
+      out of your mouth, it is rough.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then I tried the practice of criminal law, but my client got into the
+      penitentiary, where he was no use to me financially or politically.
+      Finally, when the judge was in a hurry, he would appoint me to defend the
+      pauper criminals. They all went to the penitentiary, until people got to
+      criticising the judge, and finally they told him that it was a shame to
+      appoint me to defend an innocent man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My first experience in journalism was in a Western town, in which I was a
+      total stranger. I went there with thirty-five cents, but I had it
+      concealed in the lining of my clothes so that no one would have suspected
+      it if they had met me. I had no friends, and I noticed that when I got off
+      the train the band was not there to meet me. I entered the town just as
+      any other American citizen would. I had not fully decided whether to
+      become a stage robber or a lecturer on phrenology. At that time I got a
+      chance to work on a morning paper. It used to go to press before dark, so
+      I always had my evenings to myself and I liked that part of it first-rate.
+      I worked on that paper a year and might have continued if the proprietors
+      had not changed it to an evening paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then a company incorporated itself and started a paper, of which I took
+      charge. The paper was published in the loft of a livery stable. That is
+      the reason they called it a stock company. You could come up the stairs
+      into the office or you could twist the tail of the iron-gray mule and take
+      the elevator.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It wasn't much of a paper, but it cost $16,000 a year to run it, and
+      it came out six days in the week, no matter what the weather was. We took
+      the Associated Press news by telegraph part of the time and part of the
+      time we relied on the Cheyenne morning papers, which we got of the
+      conductor on the early morning freight. We got a great many special
+      telegrams from Washington in that way, and when the freight train got in
+      late, I had to guess at what congress was doing and fix up a column of
+      telegraph the best I could. There was a rival evening paper there, and
+      sometimes it would send a smart boy down to the train and get hold of our
+      special telegrams, and sometimes the conductor would go away on a picnic
+      and take our Cheyenne paper with him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All these things are annoying to a man who is trying to supply a long felt
+      want. There was one conductor, in particular, who used to go away into the
+      foot-hills shooting sage hens and take our cablegrams with him. This threw
+      too much strain on me. I could guess at what congress was doing and make
+      up a pretty readable report, but foreign powers and reichstags and crowned
+      heads and dynasties always mixed me up. You can look over what congress
+      did last year and give a pretty good guess at what it will do this year,
+      but you can't rely on a dynasty or an effete monarchy in a bad state
+      of preservation. It may go into executive session or it may go into
+      bankruptcy.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Still, at one time we used to have considerable local news to fill up
+      with. The north and middle parks for a while used to help us out when the
+      mining camps were new. Those were the days when it was considered
+      perfectly proper to kill off the board of supervisors if their action was
+      distasteful. At that time a new camp generally located a cemetery and
+      wrote an obituary; then the boys would start out to find a man whose name
+      would rhyme with the rest of the verse. Those were the days when the
+      cemeteries of Colorado were still in their infancy and the song of the
+      six-shooter was heard in the land.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Sometimes the Indians would send us in an item. It was generally in the
+      obituary line. With the Sioux on the north and the peaceful Utes on the
+      south, we were pretty sure of some kind of news during the summer. The
+      parks used to be occupied by white men winters and Indians summers. Summer
+      was really the pleasantest time to go into the parks, but the Indians had
+      been in the habit of going there at that season, and they were so clannish
+      that the white men couldn't have much fun with them, so they decided
+      they would not go there in the summer. Several of our best subscribers
+      were killed by the peaceful Utes.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were two daily and three weekly papers published in Laramie City av
+      that time. There were between two and three thousand people and our local
+      circulation ran from 150 to 250, counting dead-heads. In our prospectus we
+      stated that we would spare no expense whatever in ransacking the universe
+      for fresh news, but there were times when it was all we could do to get
+      our paper out on time. Out of the express office, I mean.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One of the rival editors used to write his editorials for the paper in the
+      evening, jerk the Washington hand-press to work them off, go home and
+      wrestle with juvenile colic in his family until daylight and then deliver
+      his papers on the street. It is not surprising that the great mental
+      strain incident to this life made an old man of him, and gave a tinge of
+      extreme sadness to the funny column of his paper.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In an unguarded moment, this man wrote an editorial once that got all his
+      subscribers mad at him, and the same afternoon he came around and wanted
+      to sell his paper to us for $10,000. I told him that the whole outfit wasn't
+      worth ten thousand cents.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I know that,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;but it is not the material that
+      I am talking about. It is the good will of the paper.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had a rising young horsethief in Wyoming in those days, who got into
+      jail by some freak of justice, and it was so odd for a horsethief to get
+      into jail that I alluded to it editorially. This horsethief had
+      distinguished himself from the common, vulgar horsethieves of his time, by
+      wearing a large mouth&mdash;a kind of full-dress, eight-day mouth. He
+      rarely smiled, but when he did, he had to hold the top of his head on with
+      both hands. I remember that I spoke of this in the paper, forgetting that
+      he might criticise me when he got out of jail. When he did get out again,
+      he stated that he would shoot me on sight, but friends advised me not to
+      have his blood on my hands, and I took their advice, so I haven't
+      got a particle of his blood on either of my hands.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For two or three months I didn't know but he would drop into the
+      office any minute and criticise me, but one day a friend told me that he
+      had been hung in Montana. Then I began to mingle in society again, and
+      didn't have to get in my coal with a double barrel shot gun any
+      more.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After that I was always conservative in relation to horsethieves until we
+      got the report of the vigilance committee.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0163" id="link2H_4_0163"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Wrestling with the Mazy.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Very soon now I shall be strong enough on my cyclone leg to resume my
+      lessons in waltzing. It is needless to say that I look forward with great
+      pleasure to that moment. Nature intended that I should glide in the mazy.
+      Tall, lithe, bald-headed, genial, limber in the extreme, suave, soulful,
+      frolicsome at times, yet dignified and reserved toward strangers, light on
+      the foot&mdash;on my own foot, I mean&mdash;gentle as a woman at times,
+      yet irresistible as a tornado when insulted by a smaller, I am peculiarly
+      fitted to shine in society. Those who have observed my polished brow, when
+      under a strong electric light, say they never saw a man shine so in
+      society as I do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife taught me how to waltz. She would teach me on Saturdays and repair
+      her skirts during the following week. I told her once that I thought I was
+      too brainy to dance. She said she hadn't noticed that, but she
+      thought I seemed to run too much to legs. My wife is not timid about
+      telling me anything that she thinks will be for my good. When I make a
+      mistake she is perfectly frank with me, and comes right to me and tells me
+      about it, so that I won't do so again.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had just learned how to reel around a ballroom to a little waltz music,
+      when I was blown across the State of Mississippi in September last by a
+      high wind, and broke one of my legs which I use in waltzing. When this
+      accident occurred I had just got where I felt at liberty to choose a
+      glorious being with starry eyes and fluffy hair, and magnificently modeled
+      form, to steer me around the rink to the dreamy music of Strauss. One
+      young lady, with whom I had waltzed a good deal, when she heard that my
+      leg was broken, began to attend every dancing party she could hear of,
+      although she had declined a great many previous to that. I asked her how
+      she could be so giddy and so gay when I was suffering. She said she was
+      doing it to drown her sorrow, but her little brother told me on the quiet
+      that she was dancing while I was sick because she felt perfectly safe. A
+      friend of mine says I have a pronounced and distinctly original manner of
+      waltzing, and that he never saw anybody, with one exception, who waltzed
+      as I did, and that was Jumbo. He claimed that either one of us would be a
+      good dancer if he could have the whole ring to himself. He said that he
+      would like to see Jumbo and me waltz together if he were not afraid that I
+      would step on Jumbo and hurt him. You can see what a feeling of jealous
+      hatred it arouses in some small minds when a man gets so that he can
+      mingle in good society and enjoy himself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WALTZING WITH JUMBO.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0435}.jpg" alt="{0435}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0435}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      I could waltz more easily if the rules did not require such a constant
+      change of position. I am sedentary in my nature, slow to move about, so
+      that it takes a lady of great strength of purpose to pull me around on
+      time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0164" id="link2H_4_0164"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Anecdotes of the Stage.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Years ago, before Laramie City got a handsome opera house, everything in
+      the theatrical and musical line of a high order was put on the stage of
+      Blackburn's Hall. Other light dramas on the stage, and thrilling
+      murders in the audience, used to occur at Alexander's Theater, on
+      Front street. Here you could get a glass of Laramie beer, made of glucose,
+      alkali water, plug tobacco, and Paris green, by paying two bits at the
+      bar, and, as a prize, you drew a ticket to the olio, specialties, and low
+      gags of the stage. The idea of inebriating a man at the box office, so
+      that he will endure such a sham, is certainly worthy of serious
+      consideration. I have seen shows at Alexander's, and also at
+      McDaniel's, in Cheyenne, however, where the bar should have provided
+      an ounce of chloroform with each ticket in order to allay the suffering.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Here you could sit down in the orchestra and take the chances of getting
+      hit when the audience began to shoot at the pianist, or you could go up
+      into the boxes and have a quiet little conversation with the timid
+      beer-jerkers. The beer-jerker was never too proud to speak to the most
+      humble, and if she could sell a grub-staker for $5 a bottle of real Piper
+      Heidsick, made in Cheyenne and warranted to remove the gastric coat, pants
+      and vest from a man's stomach in two minutes, she felt pleased and
+      proud.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A room-mate of mine, whose name I will not give, simply because he was and
+      still is the best fellow in the United States, came home from the &ldquo;theater&rdquo;
+      one night with his hair parted in the middle. He didn't wear it that
+      way generally, so it occasioned talk in social circles. He still has a
+      natural parting of the hair about five inches long, that he acquired that
+      night. He said it was accidental so far as he was concerned, but unless
+      the management could keep people from shooting the holders of reserved
+      seats between the acts or any other vital spot, he would withdraw his
+      patronage. And he was right about it. I think that any court in the land
+      would protect a man who had purchased a seat in good faith, and with his
+      hat on and both feet on the back of the seat in front of him, sits quietly
+      in said seat, smoking a Colorado Maduro cigar and watching the play.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Several such accidents occurred at the said theater. Among them was a
+      little tableau in which Joe Walker and Centennial Bob took the leading
+      parts. Bob went to the penitentiary, and Joe went to his reward with one
+      of his lungs in his coat pocket. There was a little difference between
+      them as to the regularity of a &ldquo;draw&rdquo; and &ldquo;show down,&rdquo;
+      so Bob went home from the theater and loaded a double-barrel shot-gun with
+      a lot of scrap-iron, and, after he had introduced the collection into Joe's
+      front breadth, the latter's system was so lacerated that it wouldn't
+      retain ground feed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were other little incidents like that which occurred in and around
+      the old theater, some growing out of the lost love of a beer-jerker, some
+      from an injudicious investment in a bob-tail flush that never got ripe
+      enough to pick, and some from the rarified mountain air, united with an
+      epidemic known as <i>mania rotguti</i>.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A funny incident of the stage occurred not long ago to a friend of mine,
+      who is traveling with a play in which a stage cow appears. He is using
+      what is called a profile cow now, which works by machinery. Last winter
+      this cow ran down while in the middle of the stage, and forgot her lines.
+      The prompter gave the string a jerk in order to assist her. This broke the
+      cow in two, and the fore-quarters walked off to the left into one
+      dressing-room, while the behind-quarters and porter-house steak retired to
+      the outer dressing-room. The audience called for an <i>encore</i>; but the
+      cow felt as though she had made a kind of a bull of the part, and would
+      not appear. Those who may be tempted to harshly criticise this last
+      remark, are gently reminded that the intense heat of the past month is
+      liable to effect anyone's mind. Remember, gentle reader, that your
+      own brain may some day soften also, and then you will remember how harsh
+      you were toward me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Prior to the profile cow, the company ran a wicker-work cow, that was
+      hollow and admitted of two hired-men, who operated the beast at a moderate
+      salary. These men drilled a long time on what they called a heifer dance&mdash;a
+      beautiful spectacular, and highly moral and instructive quadruped clog,
+      sirloin shuffle, and cow gallop, to the music of a piano-forte. The
+      rehearsals had been crowned with success, and when the cow came on the
+      stage she got a bouquet, and made a bran mash on one of the ushers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      She danced up and down the stage, perfectly self-possessed, and with that
+      perfect grace and abandon which is so noticeable in the self-made cow.
+      Finally she got through, the piano sounded a wild Wagnerian bang, and the
+      cow danseuse ambled off. She was improperly steered, however, and ran her
+      head against a wing, where she stopped in full view of the audience. The
+      talent inside of the cow thought they had reached the dressing-room and
+      ran against the wall, so they felt perfectly free to converse with each
+      other. The cow stood with her nose jammed up against the wing, wrapped in
+      thought, Finally, from her thorax the audience heard a voice say:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Jim, you blamed galoot, that ain't the step we took at
+      rehearsal no more'n nuthin'. If you're going to
+      improvise a new cow duet, I wish you wouldn't take the fore-quarters
+      by surprise next time.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is not now known what the reply was, for just then the prompter came on
+      the stage, rudely twisted the tail of the cow, rousing her from her
+      lethargy, and harshly kicking her in the pit of the stomach, he drove her
+      off the stage, The audience loudly called for a repetition, but the cow
+      refused to come in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0165" id="link2H_4_0165"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      George the Third.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      George III was born in England June 4, 1738, and ran for king in 1760. He
+      was a son of Frederick, Prince of Wales, and held the office of king for
+      sixty years. He was a natural born king and succeeded his grandfather,
+      George II. Look as you will a-down the long page of English history, and
+      you will not fail to notice the scarcity of self-made kings. How few of
+      them were poor boys and had to skin along for years with no money, no
+      influential friends and no fun.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ah, little does the English king know of hard times and carrying two or
+      three barrels of water to a tired elephant in order that he may get into
+      the afternoon performance without money. When he gets tired of being
+      prince, all he has to do is just to be king all day at good wages, and
+      then at night take off his high-priced crown, hang it up on the hat-rack,
+      put on a soft hat and take in the town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George III quit being prince at the age of 22 years, and began to hold
+      down the English throne. He would reign along for a few years, taking it
+      kind of quiet, and then all at once he would declare war and pick out some
+      people to go abroad and leave their skeletons on some foreign shore. That
+      was George's favorite amusement. He got up the Spanish war in two
+      years after he clome the throne; then he had an American revolution, a
+      French revolution, an Irish rebellion and a Napoleonic war. He dearly
+      loved carnage, if it could be prepared on a foreign strand. George always
+      wanted imported carnage, even if it came higher. It was in 1765, and early
+      in George's reign, that the American stamp act passed the
+      Legislature and the Goddess of Liberty began to kick over the dashboard.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George was different from most English kings, morally. When he spit on his
+      hand and grasped the sceptre, he took his scruples with him right onto the
+      throne. He was not talked about half so much as other kings before or
+      since his time. Nine o'clock most always found George in bed, with
+      his sceptre under the window-sash, so that he could get plenty of fresh
+      air. As it got along toward 9 o'clock, he would call the hired girl,
+      tell her to spread a linen lap-robe on the throne till morning, issue a
+      royal ukase directing her to turn out the cat, and instructing the cook to
+      set the pancake batter behind the royal stove in the council chamber, then
+      he would wind the clock and retire. Early in the morning George would be
+      up and dressed, have all his chores done and the throne dusted off ready
+      for another hard day's reign.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: WRAPPED IN SLUMBER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0440}.jpg" alt="{0440}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0440}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      George III is the party referred to in the Declaration of Independence the
+      present king of Great Britain, and of whom many bitter personal remarks
+      were made by American patriots. On this side of the water George was not
+      highly esteemed. If he had come over here to spend the summer with friends
+      in Boston, during the days of the stamp act excitement, he could have gone
+      home packed in ice, no doubt, and with a Swiss sunset under each eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George's mind was always a little on the bias, and in 1810 he went
+      crazy for the fifth time. Always before that he had gone right ahead with
+      his reign, whether he was crazy or not, but with the fifth attack of
+      insanity, coupled with suggestion of the brain and blind staggers, it was
+      decided to tie him up in the barn and let someone else reign awhile. The
+      historian says that blindness succeeded this attack, and in 1811 the
+      Prince of Wales became regent.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George III died at Windsor in 1820, with the consent of a joint committee
+      of both houses of congress, at the age of 82 years. He made the longest
+      run as king, without stopping for feed or water, of any monarch in English
+      history. Sixty years is a long time to be a monarch and look under the bed
+      every night for a Nihilist loaded with a cut-glass bomb and Paris green.
+      Sixty years is a long while to jerk a sceptre over a nation and keep on
+      the right side, politically, all the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George was of an inventive turn of mind, and used to be monkeying with
+      some kind of a patent, evenings, after he had peeled his royal robes. Most
+      of his patents related to land, however, and some of the most successful
+      soil in Massachusetts was patented by George.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He was always trying some scheme to make a pile of money easy, so that he
+      wouldn't have to work; but he died poor and crazy at last, in
+      England. He was not very smart, but he attended to business all the time,
+      and did not get up much of a reputation as a moral leper. He said that as
+      king of Great Britain and general superintendent of Cork he did not aim to
+      make much noise, but he desired to attract universal attention by being so
+      moral that he would be regarded as eccentric by other crowned heads.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0166" id="link2H_4_0166"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Cell Nest.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      To the Members of the Academy of Science, at Wrin Prairie, Wisconsin:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <i>Gentlemen:</i>&mdash;I beg leave to submit herewith my microscopic
+      report on the several sealed specimens of proud flesh and other mementoes
+      taken from the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth. As Mr. Flannery is the
+      mayor of Erin Prairie, and therefore has a world-wide reputation, I deemed
+      it sufficiently important to the world at large, and pleasing to Mr.
+      Flannery's family, to publish this report in the medical journals of
+      the country, and have it telegraphed to the leading newspapers at their
+      expense. Knowing that the world at large is hungry to learn how the
+      laudable pus of an eminent man appears under the microscope, and what a
+      pleasure it must be to his family to read the description after his death,
+      I have just opened a new box of difficult words and herewith transmit a
+      report which will be an ornament not only to the scrap-book of Mr.
+      Flannery's immediate family after his death, but a priceless boon to
+      the reading public at large.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Removing the seals from the jars as soon as I had returned from the
+      express office, I poured off the alcohol and recklessly threw it away. A
+      true scientist does not care for expense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The first specimen was in a good state of preservation on its arrival. I
+      never saw a more beautiful or robust proliferation epitherial cell nest in
+      my life. It must have been secured immediately after the old epitherial
+      had left the nest, and it was in good order on its arrival. The whole
+      lobule was looking first-rate. You might ride for a week and not run
+      across a prettier lobule or a more artistic aggregation of cell nests
+      outside a penitentiary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Only one cell nest had been allowed to dry up on the way, and this looked
+      a good deal fatigued. In one specimen I noticed a carneous degeneration,
+      but this is really no reflection on Mr. Flannery personally. While he has
+      been ill it is not surprising that he should allow his cell nests to
+      carneously degenerate. Such a thing might happen to almost any of us.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One of the scrapings from the sore on the right posterior fauces, I found
+      on its arrival, had been seriously injured, and therefore not available. I
+      return it herewith.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From an examination, which has been conducted with great care, I am led to
+      believe that the right posterior rafter of Mr. Flannery's mouth is
+      slightly indurated, and it is barely possible that the northeast duplex
+      and parotid gable end of the roof of his mouth may become involved.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish you would ask Mr. Flannery's immediate relatives, if you can
+      do so without arousing alarm in the breast of the patient, if there has
+      ever been a marked predisposition on the part of his ancestors to
+      tubercular gumboil. I do not wish to be understood as giving this
+      diagnosis as final at all, but from what I have already stated, taken
+      together with other clinical and pathological data within my reach, and
+      the fact that minute, tabulated gumboil bactinae were found floating
+      through some of the cell nests, I have every reason to fear the worst. I
+      would be glad to receive from you for microscopic examination a fragment
+      of Mr. Flannery's malpighian layer, showing evidences of cell
+      proliferation. I only suggest this, of course, as practicable in case
+      there should be a malpighian layer which Mr. Flannery is not using. Do not
+      ask him to take a malpighian layer off her cell nest just to please me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      From one microscopic examination I hardly feel justified in giving a
+      diagnosis, nor care to venture any suggestion as to treatment, but it
+      might be well to kalsomine the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth with
+      gum-arabic, white lime and glue in equal parts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There has already been some extravatations and a marked multiformity. I
+      also noticed an inflamed and angry color to the stroma with trimmings of
+      the same. This might only indicate that Mr. Flannery had kept his mouth
+      open too much during the summer, and sunburned the roof of his mouth, were
+      it not that I also discovered traces of gumboil microbes of the squamous
+      variety. This leads me to fear the worst for Mr. Flannery. However, if the
+      gentlemanly, courteous and urbane members of the Academy of Science, of
+      Erin Prairie, to whom I am already largely indebted for past favors, will
+      kindly forward to me, prepaid, another scraping from the mansard roof of
+      Mr. Flannery's mouth next week, I will open another keg of hard
+      words and trace this gumboil theory to a successful termination, if I have
+      to use up the whole ceiling of the patient's mouth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Yours, with great sincerity, profundity and verbosity,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Bill Nye, Microscopist, Lobulist and Microbist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Hudson, Wis., May 3.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0167" id="link2H_4_0167"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Parental Advice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The past fifty years have done much for the newspaper and periodical
+      readers of the United States. That period has been fruitful of great
+      advancement and a great reduction in price, but these are not all. Fifty
+      years and less have classified information so that science and sense are
+      conveniently found, and humor and nonsense have their proper sphere. All
+      branches are pretty full of lively and thoroughly competent writers, who
+      take hold of their own special work even as the thorough, quick-eyed
+      mechanic takes hold of his line of labor and acquits himself in a
+      creditable manner. The various lines of journalism may appear to be
+      crowded, but they are not. There may be too much vagabond journalism, but
+      the road that is traveled by the legitimate laborer is not crowded. The
+      clean, Caucasian journalist, as he climbs the hill, is not crowded very
+      much. He can make out to elbow his way toward the front, if he tries very
+      hard. There may be too much James Crow science, and too much editorial
+      vandalism and gush, and too much of the journalism for revenue only. There
+      may be too much ringworm humor also, but there is still a demand for the
+      scientific work of the true student. There is still a good market for
+      honest editorial opinion, reliable news and fearless and funny paragraph
+      work and character sketches, as the song and dance men would say.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All this, however, points in one direction. It all has one hoarse voice,
+      and in the tones of the culverin, whatever that is, it says that to the
+      young man who is starting out with the intention of filling the tomb of a
+      millionaire, &ldquo;Learn to do something well.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Lots of people rather disliked the famous British hangman, and thought he
+      hadn't made a great record for himself, but he performed a duty that
+      had to be done by someone, and no one ever complained much about Marwood's
+      work. He warranted every job and told everyone that if they were
+      dissatisfied he would refund their money at the door. No man ever came
+      back to Marwood and said, &ldquo;Sir, you broke my neck in an
+      unworkmanlike manner.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is better to be a successful hangman than to be the banished, abused
+      and heart-broken, cast-off husband of a great actress. Learn to take hold
+      of some business and jerk it bald-headed. Learn to dress yourself first.
+      This will give you self-assurance, so that you can go away from home and
+      not be dependent on your mother. Teach yourself to be accurate and careful
+      in all things. It is better to turn the handle of a sausage grinder and
+      make a style of sausage that is free from hydrophobia, than to be the
+      extremely hence cashier of a stranded bank, fighting horseflies in the
+      solemn hush of a Canadian forest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People have wrong ideas of the respective merits of different avocations.
+      It is better to be the successful driver of a dray than to be the
+      unsuccessful inventor of a still-born motor. I would rather discover how
+      to successfully wean a calf from the parent stem without being boosted
+      over a nine rail fence, than to discover a new star that had never been
+      used, and the next evening find that it had made an assignment.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Boys, oh, boys! How I wish I could take each of you by the ear and lead
+      you away by yourselves, and show you how many ruins strew the road to
+      success, and how life is like a mining boom. We only hear of those who
+      strike it rich. The hopeful, industrious prospector who failed to find the
+      contact and finally filled a nameless grave, is soon forgotten when he is
+      gone, but a million tongues tell to forty million listening ears of the
+      man who struck it rich and went to Europe.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Therefore make haste to advance slowly and surely. I am aware that your
+      ears ache with the abundance wherewith ye are advised, but if ye seek not
+      to brace up while yet it is called to-day, and file away information for
+      future reference and cease to look upon the fifteen-ball pool game when it
+      moveth itself aright, at such time as ye think not ye shall be in
+      pecuniary circumstances and there shall be none to indorse for you&mdash;nay,
+      not one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0168" id="link2H_4_0168"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Early Day Justice.{2}
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      {Footnote 2: <i>From the Chicago Rambler</i>.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9446}.jpg" alt="{9446}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9446}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Those were troublesome times, indeed. All wool justice in the courts was
+      impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation Army as it called
+      itself, didn't make much fuss about it, but we all knew that the
+      best citizens belonged to it and were in good standing.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was in those days when young Stewart was short-handed for a sheep
+      herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant, called by the
+      other boys &ldquo;Esau.&rdquo; Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week
+      before he made trouble with the proprietor and got the red-hot blessing
+      from Stewart he deserved.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then Esau got madder and sulked away down the valley among the little sage
+      brush hummocks and white alkali waste land to nurse his wrath. When
+      Stewart drove into the corral at night, from town, Esau raised up from
+      behind an old sheep dip tank, and without a word except what may have
+      growled around in his black heart, he raised a leveled Spencer and shot
+      his young employer dead.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      That was the tragedy of the week only. Others had occurred before and
+      others would probably occur again. It was getting too prevalent for
+      comfort. So, as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into town,
+      the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to set the
+      old legal mill to running. Someone had to go down to &ldquo;The Tivoli&rdquo;
+      and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to &ldquo;The
+      Alhambra&rdquo; for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney was
+      &ldquo;full&rdquo; and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a
+      straight flush, and had succeeded.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the meantime the Salvation Army was fully half way to Clugston's
+      ranch. They had started out, as they said, &ldquo;to see that Esau didn't
+      get away.&rdquo; They were going out there to see that Esau was brought
+      into town.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE SALVATION ARMY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8447}.jpg" alt="{8447} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8447}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      What happened after they got there I only know from hearsay, for I was not
+      a member of the Salvation Army at that time. But I got it from one of
+      those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the bottoms
+      that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep Mountain and the Little
+      Laramie River. They captured him, but he died soon after, as it was told
+      me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I remember
+      seeing Esau the next morning and I thought there were signs of ropium, as
+      there was a purple streak around the neck of deceased, together with other
+      external phenomena not peculiar to opium.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But the great difficulty with the Salvation Army was that it didn't
+      want to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in
+      Esau's condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with
+      a deceased murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of my
+      readers who have tried it will agree with me that it is not calculated to
+      promote hilarity. So the Salvation Army stopped at Whatley's ranch
+      to get warm, hoping that someone would steal the remains and elope with
+      them. They stayed some time and managed to &ldquo;give away&rdquo; the
+      fact that there was a reward of $5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The
+      Salvation Army even went so far as to betray a great deal of hilarity over
+      the easy way it had nailed the reward, or would as soon as said remains
+      were delivered up and identified.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation Army was having a kind of walkaway,
+      so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his own
+      wagon and drove away to town. Remember, this is the way it was told to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild
+      and disappointed yells of the Salvation Army. He put the buckskin on the
+      backs of his horses without mercy, driven on by the enraged shouts and
+      yells of his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and his
+      pursuers disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He drove around all over town, trying to find the official who signed for
+      the deceased. Mr. Whatley went from house to house like a vegetable man,
+      seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau.
+      Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another out
+      of a sound sleep and invite him to come out to the buggy and identify the
+      remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he didn't know
+      how others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who would pay $5,000
+      for such a remains as Esau's could not have very good taste.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation
+      Army had been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went
+      home. On his ranch he nailed up a large board on which had been painted in
+      antique characters with a paddle and tar the following stanzas:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, Morgues, or young physicians who
+  may have deceased people on their hands, are requested to refrain from
+  conferring them on to the undersigned.
+
+  People who contemplate shuffling off their own or other people's mortal
+  coils, will please not do so on these grounds.
+
+  The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains is especially hereby warned to
+  keep off the grass!
+
+  James Whatley.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0169" id="link2H_4_0169"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Indian Orator.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I like to read of the Indian orator in the old school books. Most everyone
+      does. It is generally remarkable that the American Demosthenes, so far,
+      has dwelt in the tepee, and lived on the debris of the deer and the
+      buffalo. I mean to say that the school readers have impressed us with the
+      great magnetism of the crude warrior who dwelt in the wilderness and ate
+      his game, feathers and all, while he studied the art of swaying the
+      audience by his oratorical powers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am inclined to think that Black Hawk and Logan must have been fortunate
+      in securing mighty able private secretaries, or that they stood in with
+      the stenographers of their day. At least, the Blue Juniata warriors of our
+      time, from Little Crow, Red Iron, Standing Buffalo, Hole-in-the-Day and
+      Sitting Bull, to Victoria, Colorow, Douglas, Persume, Captain Jack and
+      Shavano, seem to do better as lobbyists than they do as orators. They may
+      be keen, logical and shrewd, but they are not eloquent. In some minds,
+      Black Hawk will ever appear as the Patrick Henry of his people; but I
+      prefer to honor his unknown, unhonored and unsung amanuensis. Think what a
+      godsend such a man would have been to Senator Tabor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Indian orator of to-day is not scholarly and grand. He is soiled,
+      ignorant and sedentary in his habits. An orator ought to take care of his
+      health. He cannot overload his stomach and make a bronze Daniel Webster of
+      himself. He cannot eat a raw buffalo for breakfast and at once attack the
+      question of tariff for revenue only. His brain is not clear enough. He
+      cannot digest the mammalia of North America and seek out the delicate
+      intricacies of the financial problem at the same time. All scientists and
+      physiologists will readily see why this is true.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is quite popular to say that the modern Indian has seen too much of
+      civilization. This may be true. Anyhow, civilization has seen too much of
+      him. I hope the day will never come when the pale face and the White
+      Father will have to stay on their reservation, whether the red man does or
+      not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Indian eloquence, toned down by the mellow haze of a hundred years, sounds
+      very well, but the clarion voice of the red orator has died away. The
+      stony figure, the eagle eye, the matchless presence, have all ceased to
+      palpitate.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He does not say: &ldquo;I am an aged hemlock. I am dead at the top. The
+      forest is filled with the ghosts of my people. I hear their moans on the
+      night winds and in the sighing pines.&rdquo; He does not talk in the blank
+      verse of a century ago. He uses a good many blanks, but it is not blank
+      verse. Even the Indian's friend would admit that it was not blank
+      verse. Perhaps it might be called blankety verse.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Once he pleaded for the land of his fathers. Now he howls for grub, guns
+      and fixed ammunition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I tried to interview a big Crow chief once. I had heard some Sioux, and
+      learned a few irrelevant and disconnected Ute phrases. I connected these
+      with some Spanish terms and hoped to get a reply, and keep up a kind of
+      running conversation that might mislead a friend who was with me, into the
+      belief that I was as familiar with the Indian tongue as with my own. I
+      began conversing with him in my polyglot manner. I did not get a reply. I
+      conversed with him some more in a desultory way, for I had heard that he
+      was a great orator in his tribe, and I wanted to get his views on national
+      affairs. Still he was silent. He would not even answer me. I got hostile
+      and used some badly damaged Spanish on him. Then I used some sprained and
+      dislocated German on him, but he didn't seem to wot whereof I spoke.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then my friend, with all the assurance of a fresh young manhood, began to
+      talk with the great warrior in the English language, and incidentally
+      asked him about a new Indian agent, who had the name of being a bogus
+      Christian with an eye to the main chance.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My friend talked very loud, with the idea that the chieftain could
+      understand any language if spoken so that you could hear it in the next
+      Territory. At the mention of the Indian agent's name, the Crow
+      statesman brightened up and made a remark. He simply said: &ldquo;Ugh! too
+      much God and no flour.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0170" id="link2H_4_0170"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      You Heah Me, Sah!
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Col. Visscher, of Denver, who is delivering his lecture, &ldquo;Sixty
+      Minutes in the War,&rdquo; tells a good story on himself of an episode, or
+      something of that nature, that occurred to him in the days when he was the
+      amanuensis of George D. Prentice.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Visscher, in those days, was a fair-haired young man, with pale blue eyes,
+      and destitute of that wealth of brow and superficial area of polished dome
+      which he now exhibits on the rostrum. He was learning the lesson of life
+      then, and every now and then he would bump up against an octagonal mass of
+      cold-pressed truth of the never-dying variety that seemed to kind of stun
+      and concuss him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day Mr. Visscher wandered into a prominent hotel in Louisville, and,
+      observing with surprise and pleasure that &ldquo;boiled lobster&rdquo; was
+      one of the delicacies on the bill of fare, he ordered one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He never had seen lobster, and a rare treat seemed to be in store for him.
+      He breathed in what atmosphere there was in the dining-room, and waited
+      for his bird. At last it was brought in. Mr. Visscher took one hasty look
+      at the great scarlet mass of voluptuous limbs and oceanic nippers, and
+      sighed. The lobster was as large as a door mat, and had a very angry and
+      inflamed appearance. Visscher ordered in a powerful cocktail to give him
+      courage, and then he tried to carve off some of the breast.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The lobster is honery even in death. He is eccentric and trifling. Those
+      who know him best are the first to evade him and shun him. Visscher had
+      failed to straddle the wish bone with his fork properly, and the talented
+      bird of the deep rolling sea slipped out of the platter, waved itself
+      across the horizon twice, and buried itself in the bosom of the eminent
+      and talented young man. The eminent and talented young man took it in his
+      napkin, put it carefully on the table, and went away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      As he passed out, the head waiter said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Visscher, was there anything the matter with your lobster?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Visscher is a full-blooded Kentuckian, and answered in the courteous
+      dialect of the blue-grass country.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Anything the matter with my lobster, sah? No, sah. The lobster is
+      very vigorous, sah. If you had asked me how I was, sah, I should have
+      answered you very differently, sah. I am not well at all, sah. If I were
+      as well, and as ruddy, and as active as that lobster, sah, I would live
+      forever, sah. You heah me, sah?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why, of course, I am not familiar with the habits of the lobster,
+      sah, and do not know how to kearve the bosom of the bloomin' peri of
+      the summer sea, but that's no reason why the inflamed reptile should
+      get up on his hind feet and nestle up to me, sah, in that earnest and
+      forthwith manner, sah.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I love dumb beasts, sah, and they love me, sah; but when they are
+      dead, sah, and I undertake to kearve them, sah, I desiah, sah, that they
+      should remain as the undertakah left them, sah. You doubtless heah me,
+      sah!&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0171" id="link2H_4_0171"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Plato.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Plato was a Greek philosopher who flourished about 426 B.C., and kept on
+      flourishing for eighty-one years after that, when he suddenly ceased do
+      so. He early took to poetry, but when he found that his poems were
+      rejected by the Greek papers, he ceased writing poetry and went into the
+      philosophy business. At that time Greece had no regular philosopher, and
+      so Plato soon got all he could do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Plato was a pupil of Socrates, who was himself no slouch of a philosopher.
+      Many and many a day did Socrates take his little class of kindergarten
+      philosophers up the shady banks of the Ilissus, and sit all day
+      discoursing to his pupils on deep and difficult doctrines, while his
+      unsandaled feet were bathed in the genial tide. Many happy hours were thus
+      spent. Socrates would take his dinner or tell some wonderful tale to his
+      class, whereby he would win their dinner himself. Then in the deep
+      Athenian shade, with his bare, Gothic feet in the clear, calm waters of
+      the Ilissus, he would eat the Grecian doughnut of his pupils, and while he
+      spoke in poetic terms of his belief, he would dig his heel in the mud and
+      heave a heart-broken sigh.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Such was Socrates, the great teacher. He got a small salary, and went
+      barefoot till after Thanksgiving. He was a great tutor, and boarded
+      around, teaching in the open air while the mosquitos bit his bare feet. No
+      tutor ever tuted with a more unselfish purpose or a smaller salary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Plato maintained, among other things, that evil is connected with matter,
+      and aside from matter we do not find evil existing. That is true. At
+      least, such evil as we might find apart from matter would be outside the
+      jurisdiction of a police court. I think Plato was correct. Evil and matter
+      are inseparable. That's what's the matter.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is quite common for us to say that virtue is its own reward. Plato held
+      that, while it was better to be virtuous as a matter of economy and
+      ultimate peace than not to be virtuous at all, he believed in being
+      virtuous for a higher reason. Probably it was notoriety. He would rather
+      be right than be president. He believed in being good just for the
+      excitement of it, and the notice it would attract, and not because it
+      paid. Plato was a great virtuoso.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Socrates would have been called a crank if he had lived in our day and
+      age, and if Plato were to go into London or New York and talk of
+      organizing a society for the encouragement of virtue among adult male
+      taxpayers he would have a lonesome time of it. Be virtuous and you will be
+      happy was a favorite motto with Plato. The legend is still quoted by those
+      who love to ransack the dead past.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: NEPTUNE TAKING A RIDE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0454}.jpg" alt="{0454}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0454}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Pluto was quite another party, and some get him mixed up with Plato. They
+      were not related in any way, Pluto being a son of Saturn and Rhea, who
+      flourished at about the same time as Plato. Pluto was a brother of Jupiter
+      and Neptune, and when the estate of Saturn was wound up, Jupiter wanted
+      the earth, and he got it. Neptune wanted the codfish conservatory and the
+      mermaid's home, so he took the deep, deep sea, and even yet he rides
+      around in a gold spangled stone boat on the pale green billows of the
+      summer sea, jabbing a pickerel ever and anon with a three pronged fork. He
+      leads a gay life, going to picnics with the mermaids in their coral caves,
+      or attending their full evening dress parties, clad in a trident and a
+      fall beard. He loves the sea, the lone, blue sea, and those who have seen
+      him turning handsprings on a sponge lawn, or riding in his water-tight
+      chariot with his feet over the dash-board, beside a slim young mermaid
+      with Paris green hair, and dressed in a tight-fitting, low-neck dorsal
+      fin, say he is a lively old party.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But Pluto was different. He stood around till the estate was all closed
+      up, and it looked as though he had got left. Just then the administrator
+      says: &ldquo;Why, here's Pluto. He is going to come out of the
+      little end of the horn. He will have to hustle for himself,&rdquo; Pluto
+      resented this and clinched with the administrator. They fought till each
+      had a watch pocket on the brow and an Irish sunset symphony in green under
+      the eye, while Jupiter and Neptune stood by and encouraged the fight.
+      Jupiter rather took sides with his brother, and Neptune stood in with the
+      administrator. In the midst of the confusion Jupiter speaks up and says:
+      &ldquo;Swat him under the ear, Pluto.&rdquo; Whereupon Neptune says to the
+      administrator. &ldquo;Give him&mdash;hail.&rdquo; The administrator paused
+      and said that was a good suggestion. He would do so. And so he forgave
+      Pluto and gave him&mdash;sheol.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0172" id="link2H_4_0172"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Expensive Word.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Much that is annoying in this life is occasioned by the use of a high
+      priced word where a cheaper one would do. In these days of failure,
+      shortage at both ends and financial stringency generally, I often wonder
+      that some people should go on, day after day, using just as extravagant
+      language as they did during the flush times. When I get hard up the first
+      thing I do is to economize in my expressions in every day conversation. If
+      there is a marked stringency in business, I lay aside first, my French,
+      then my Latin, and finally my German. Should the times become greatly
+      depressed and failures and assignments become frequent, I begin to lop off
+      the large words in my own language, beginning with &ldquo;incomprehensibility,&rdquo;
+      &ldquo;unconstitutionally,&rdquo; etc., etc.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Julius Caesar's motto used to be, &ldquo;Avoid an unusual word as
+      you would a rock at sea,&rdquo; and Jule was right about it, too. Large
+      and unusual words, especially in the mouths of ignorant people, are worse
+      than &ldquo;Rough on Rats&rdquo; in a boarding-house pie.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Years ago there used to be a pompous cuss in southern Wisconsin, who was a
+      self-made man. Extremely so. Those who used to hear him assert again and
+      again that he was a self-made man always felt renewed confidence in the
+      Creator.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He rose one evening in a political meeting, and swelling out his bosom, as
+      his eagle eye rested on the chairman, he said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Cheerman! I move you that the cheer do appoint a committee of
+      three to attend to the matter under discussion, and that sayed committee
+      be clothed by the cheer with ominiscient and omnipotent powers.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The motion was duly seconded and the cheerman said he guessed that it
+      wouldn't be necessary to put it to a vote.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I guess it will be all right, Mr. Pinkham. I guess there'll
+      be no declivity to that.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And so the committee was appointed and clothed with omniscient and
+      omnipotent powers, there being no declivity to it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      We had a self-made lawyer at one time in the northern part of the State
+      who would rather find a seventy-five cent word and use it in a speech
+      where it did not belong than to eat a good square meal. He was more fatal
+      to the King's English than O'Dynamite Rossa. One day he was
+      telling how methodical one of the county officials was.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Why,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;I never saw a man do so much and do it
+      so easy. But the secret of it is plain enough. You see, he has a regular
+      rotunda of business every day.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If he meant anything, I suppose he meant a routine of business, but a man
+      would have to be a mind reader to follow him some days when he had about
+      six fingers of cough medicine aboard and began to paw around in the dark
+      and musty garret of his memory for moth-eaten words that didn't mean
+      anything.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A neighbor of mine went to Washington during the Guiteau trial and has
+      been telling us about it ever since. He is one of those people who don't
+      want to be close and stingy about what they know. He likes to go through
+      life shedding information right and left. He likes to get a crowd around
+      him and then tell how he was in Washington at the time of the &ldquo;post
+      mortise examination.&rdquo; &ldquo;Boys, you may talk all your a mind to,
+      but the greatest thing I saw in Washington,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;was Dr.
+      Mary Walker on the street every morning riding one of these philosophers.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HE PAINTED THE FENCE GREEN.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8457}.jpg" alt="{8457} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8457}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      He painted the top of his fence green, last year, so it would &ldquo;kind
+      of combinate with his blinds.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If he would make his big words &ldquo;combinate&rdquo; with what he means
+      a little better, he would not attract so much attention. But he don't
+      care. He hates to see a big, fat word loafing around with nothing to do,
+      so he throws one in occasionally for exercise, I guess.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In the Minnesota legislature, in 1867, they had under discussion a bill to
+      increase the per diem of members from three dollars to five dollars. A
+      member of the lower house, who voted for the measure, was hauled over the
+      coals by one of his constituents and charged with corruption in no
+      unmeasured terms. To all this the legislator calmly answered that when he
+      got down to the capital and found out the awful price of board, he
+      concluded that his &ldquo;per diadem&rdquo; ought to be increased, and so
+      he supported the measure. Then the belligerent constituent said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I beg your pardon and acquit you of all charges of corruption, for
+      a legislator who does not know the difference between a crown of glory and
+      the price of a day's work is too big a blankety blanked fool to be
+      convicted of an intentional wrong.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0173" id="link2H_4_0173"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Petticoats at the Polls.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      There have been many reasons given, first and last, why women should not
+      vote, but I desire to say, in the full light of a ripe experience, that
+      some of them are fallacious. I refer more particularly to the argument
+      that it will degrade women to go to the polls and vote like a little man.
+      While I am not and have never been a howler for female suffrage, I must
+      admit that it is much more of a success than prohibition and speculative
+      science.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My wife voted eight years with my full knowledge and consent, and to-day I
+      cannot see but that she is as docile and as tractable as when she won my
+      trusting heart.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now those who know me best will admit that I am not a ladies' man,
+      and, therefore, what I may say here is not said to secure favor and
+      grateful smiles. I am not attractive and I am not in politics. I believe
+      that I am homelier this winter than usual. There are reasons why I believe
+      that what I may say on this subject will be sincere and not sensational or
+      selfish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has been urged that good women do not generally exercise the right of
+      suffrage, when they have the opportunity, and that only those whose social
+      record has been tarnished a good deal go to the polls. This is not true.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is the truth that a good full vote always shows a list of the best
+      women and the wives of the best men. A bright day makes a better showing
+      of lady voters than a bad one, and the weather makes a more perceptible
+      difference in the female vote than the male, but when things are exciting
+      and the battle is red-hot, and the tocsin of war sounds anon, the wife and
+      mother puts on her armor and her sealskin sacque and knocks things
+      cross-eyed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is generally supposed that the female voter is a pantaloonatic, a half
+      horse, half alligator kind of woman, who looks like Dr. Mary Walker and
+      has the appearance of one who has risen hastily in the night at the alarm
+      of fire and dressed herself partially in her own garments and partially in
+      her husband's. This is a popular error. In Wyoming, where female
+      suffrage has raged for years, you meet quiet, courteous and gallant
+      gentlemen, and fair, quiet, sensible women at the polls, where there isn't
+      a loud or profane word, and where it is an infinitely more proper place to
+      send a young lady unescorted than to the postoffice in any city in the
+      Union. You can readily see why this is so. The men about the polls are
+      always candidates and their friends. That is the reason that neither party
+      can afford to show the slightest rudeness toward a voter. The man who on
+      Wednesday would tell her to go and soak her head, perhaps, would stand
+      bareheaded to let her pass on Tuesday. While she holds a smashed ballot
+      shoved under the palm of her gray kid glove she may walk over the
+      candidate's prostrate form with impunity and her overshoes if she
+      chooses to.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Weeks and months before election in Wyoming, the party with the longest
+      purse subsidizes the most livery stables and carriages. Then, on the
+      eventful day, every conveyance available is decorated with a political
+      placard and driven by a polite young man who is instructed to improve the
+      time. Thus every woman in Wyoming has a chance to ride once a year, at
+      least. Lately, however, many prefer to walk to the polls, and they go in
+      pairs, trios and quartettes, voting their little sentiments and calmly
+      returning to their cookies and crazy quilts as though politics didn't
+      jar their mental poise a minute.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is possible, and even probable, that a man and his wife may disagree on
+      politics as they might on religion. The husband may believe in Andrew
+      Jackson and a relentless hell, while his wife may be a stalwart and rather
+      liberal on the question of eternal punishment. If the husband manages his
+      wife as he would a clothes-wringer, and turns her through life by a crank,
+      he will, no doubt, work her politically; but if she has her own ideas
+      about things, she will naturally act upon them, while the man who is
+      henpecked in other matters till he can't see out of his eyes, will
+      be henpecked, no doubt, in the matter of national and local politics.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      These are a few facts about the actual workings of female suffrage, and I
+      do not tackle the great question of the ultimate results upon the
+      political machinery if woman suffrage were to become general. I do not
+      pretend to say as to that. I know a great deal, but I do not know that.
+      There are millions of women, no doubt who are better qualified to vote,
+      and yet cannot, than millions of alleged men who do vote; but no one can
+      tell now what the ultimate effect of a change might be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So far as Wyoming is concerned, the Territory is prosperous and happy. I
+      see, also, that a murderer was hung by process of law there the other day.
+      That looks like the onward march of reform, whether female suffrage had
+      anything to do with it or not. And they're going to hang another in
+      March if the weather is favorable and executive clemency remains dormant,
+      as I think it will.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      All these things look hopeful. We can't tell what the Territory
+      would have been without female suffrage, but when they begin to hang men
+      by law instead of by moonlight, the future begins to brighten up. When you
+      have to get up in the night to hang a man every little while and don't
+      get any per diem for it, you feel as though you were a good way from home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0174" id="link2H_4_0174"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Sedentary Hen.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Though generally cheerful and content with her lot, the hen at times
+      becomes moody, sullen and taciturn. We are often called upon to notice and
+      profit by the genial and sunny disposition of the hen, and yet there are
+      times in her life when she is morose, cynical, and the prey of consuming
+      melancholy. At such times not only her own companions, but man himself
+      shuns the hen.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      At first she seems to be preoccupied only. She starts and turns pale when
+      suddenly spoken to. Then she leaves her companions and seems to be the
+      victim of hypochondria. Then her mind wanders. At last you come upon her
+      suddenly some day, seated under the currant bushes. You sympathize with
+      her and you seek to fondle her. She then picks a small memento out of the
+      back of your hand. You then gently but firmly coax her out of there with a
+      hoe, and you find that she has been seated for some time on an old croquet
+      ball, trying to hatch out a whole set of croquet balls. This shows that
+      her mind is affected. You pick up the croquet ball, and find it hot and
+      feverish, so you throw it into the shade of the woodshed. Anon, you find
+      your demented hen in the loft of the barn hovering over a door knob and
+      trying by patience and industry to hatch out a hotel.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When a hen imagines that she is inspired to incubate, she at once ceases
+      to be an ornament to society and becomes a crank. She violates all the
+      laws and customs of nature and society in trying to hatch a conservatory
+      by setting through the long days and nights of summer on a small flower
+      pot.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Man may win the affections of the tiger, the lion, or the huge elephant,
+      and make them subservient to his wishes, but the setting hen is not
+      susceptible to affection. You might as well love the Manitoba blizzard or
+      try to quell the cyclone by looking calmly in its eye. The setting hen is
+      filled with hatred for every living thing. She loves to brood over her
+      wrongs or anything else she can find to squat on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I once owned a hen that made a specialty of setting. She never ceased to
+      be the proud anonymous author of a new, warm egg, but she yearned to be a
+      parent. She therefore seated herself on a nest where other hens were in
+      the habit of leaving their handiwork for inspection. She remained there
+      during the summer hatching steadily on while the others laid, until she
+      filled my barnyard with little orphaned henlets of different ages. She
+      remained there night and day, patiently turning out poultry for me to be a
+      father to. I brought up on the bottle about one hundred that summer that
+      had been turned out by this morbidly maternal hen. All she seemed to ask
+      in return was my kind regards and esteem. I fed her upon the nest and
+      humored her in every way. Every day she became a parent, and every day
+      added to my responsibility.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: SUCCESS WITH CHICKENS.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9463}.jpg" alt="{9463}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9463}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      One day I noticed that she seemed weak and there was a far away look in
+      her eye. For the first time the horrible truth burst upon my mind. I
+      buried my face in the haymow and I am not ashamed to say that I wept.
+      Strong man as I am, I am not too proud to say that I soaked that haymow
+      through with unavailing tears.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My hen was dying even then. Her breath came hot and quick like the swift
+      rush of a hot ball that caves in the short-stop and speeds away to
+      center-field.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The next morning one hundred chickens of various sizes were motherless,
+      and if anything had happened to me they would have been fatherless.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For many years I have made a close study of the setting hen, but I am
+      still unsettled as to what is best to do with her. She is a freak of
+      nature, a disagreeable anomaly, a fussy phenomenon. Logic, rhetoric and
+      metaphor are all alike to the setting hen. You might as well go down into
+      the bosom of Vesuvius and ask it to postpone the next eruption.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0175" id="link2H_4_0175"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Bright Future for Pugilism.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The recent prominence of Mr. John E. Dempsey, better known as Jack
+      Dempsey, of New York, brings to mind a four days' trip taken in his
+      company from Portland, Oregon, to St. Paul, over the Northern Pacific.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There were three pugilists in the party besides myself, viz. Dempsey, Dave
+      Campbell and Tom Cleary. We made a grand, triumphant tour across the
+      country together, and I may truthfully state that I never felt so free to
+      say anything I wanted to&mdash;to other passengers&mdash;as I did at that
+      time. I wish I could afford to take at least one pugilist with me all the
+      time. In traveling about the country lecturing, a good pugilist would be
+      of great assistance. I would like to set him on the man who always asks:
+      &ldquo;Where do you go to from here, Mr. Nye?&rdquo; He does not ask
+      because he wants to know, for the next moment he asks right over again. I
+      do not know why he asks, but surely it is not for the purpose of finding
+      out.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Well, throughout our long journey across the State of Oregon and the
+      Territories of Idaho, Montana and Dakota, and the State of Minnesota, it
+      was one continual ovation. Dempsey had a world-wide reputation, I found,
+      co-extensive with the horizon, as I may say, and bounded only by the
+      zodiac.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In my great forthcoming work, entitled &ldquo;Half-Hours with Great Men,
+      or Eminent People Which I Have Saw,&rdquo; I shall give a fuller
+      description of this journey. The book will be a great boon.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Dempsey is not a man who would be picked out as a great man. You might
+      pass by him two or three times without recognizing his eminence, and yet,
+      at a scrapping matinee or swatting recital, he seems to hold his audiences
+      at his own sweet will&mdash;also his antagonist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Dempsey does not crave notoriety. He seems rather to court seclusion.
+      This is characteristic of the man. See how he walked around all over the
+      State of New York last week&mdash;in the night, too&mdash;in order to
+      evade the crowd.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      His logic, however, is wonderful. Though quiet and unassuming in his
+      manner, his arguments are powerful and generally make a large protuberance
+      wherever they alight.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing is more pleasing than the sight of a man who has risen by his own
+      unaided effort, fought his way up, as it were, and yet who is not vain.
+      Mr. Dempsey conversed with me frequently during our journey, and did not
+      seem to feel above me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I opened the conversation by telling him that I had seen a number of his
+      works. Nothing pleases a young author so much as a little friendly remark
+      in relation to his work. I had seen a study of his one day in New York
+      last spring. It was an italic nose with quotation marks on each side.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It was a very happy little bon mot on Mr. Dempsey's part, and
+      attracted a good deal of notice at the time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Mr. Dempsey is not a college graduate, as many suppose. He is a self-made
+      man. This should be a great encouragement to our boys who are now unknown,
+      and whose portraits have not as yet appeared in the sporting papers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But Mr. Dempsey's great force as a debater is less, perhaps, in the
+      matter than in the manner. His delivery is good and his gestures cannot
+      fail to convince the most skeptical. Striking in appearance, aggressive in
+      his nature, and happy in his gestures, he is certain to attract the
+      attention of the police, and he cannot fail to rivet the eye of his
+      adversary. I saw one of his adversaries, not long ago, whose eye had been
+      successfully riveted in that way.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      And yet, John E. Dempsey was once a poor boy. He had none of the
+      advantages which wealth and position bring. But, confident of his latent
+      ability as a middle-weight convincer, he toiled on, ever on, sitting up
+      until long after other people had gone to bed, patiently knocking out
+      those who might be brought to him for that purpose. He never hung back
+      because the way looked long and lonely. And what is the result? To-day, in
+      the full vigor of manhood, he is sought out and petted by everyone who
+      takes an interest in the onward march of pugilism.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is a wonderful record, though brief. It shows what patient industry
+      will accomplish unaided. Had John E. Dempsey hesitated to enter the ring
+      and said that he would rather go to school, where he would be safe, he
+      might to-day be an educated man; but what does that amount to here in
+      America, where everybody can have an education? He would have lost his
+      talent as a slugger, and drifted steadily downward, perhaps, till he
+      became a school-teacher or a narrow-chested editor, writing things day
+      after day just to gratify the morbid curiosity of a sin-cursed world.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In closing, I would like to say that I hope I have not expressed an
+      opinion in the above that may hereafter be used against me. Do not
+      understand me to be the foe of education. Education and refinement are
+      good enough in their places, but how shall we attract attention by trying
+      to become refined and educated in a land where, as I say, education and
+      refinement seem almost to run rampant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Heretofore, in America, pugilism has been made subservient to the common
+      schools. Pugilism and polygamy have both been crowded to the wall. Now
+      pugilism is about to assert itself. The tin ear and the gory nose will
+      soon come to the front, and the day is not far distant when progressive
+      pugilism and the prize-ring will take the place of the poorly ventilated
+      common school and the enervating prayer meeting.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0176" id="link2H_4_0176"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Snake Indian.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      There are about 5,000 Snake or Shoshone Indians now extant, the greater
+      part being in Utah and Nevada, though there is a reservation in Idaho and
+      another in Wyoming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Shoshone Indian is reluctant to accept of civilization on the European
+      plan. He prefers the ruder customs which have been handed down from father
+      to son along with other hairlooms. I use the word hairlooms in its
+      broadest sense.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are the Shoshones proper and the Utes or Utahs, to which have been
+      added by some authorities the Comanches, and Moquis of New Mexico and
+      Arizona, the Netelas and other tribes of California. The Shoshone,
+      wherever found, is clothed in buckskin and blanket in winter, but dressed
+      more lightly in summer, wearing nothing but an air of intense gloom in
+      August. To this he adds on holidays a necklace made from the store teeth
+      of the hardy pioneer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: HOLIDAY COSTUME.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8467}.jpg" alt="{8467} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8467}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Snake or Shoshone Indian is passionately fond of the game known as
+      poker among us, and which, I learn, is played with cards. It is a game of
+      chance, though skill and a thorough knowledge of firearms are of great
+      use. The Indians enter into this game with great zeal, and lend to it the
+      wonderful energy which they have preserved from year to year by abstaining
+      from the debilitating effects of manual labor. All day long the red
+      warrior sits in his skin boudoir, nursing the sickly and reluctant &ldquo;flush,&rdquo;
+      patient, silent and hopeful. Through the cold of winter in the desolate
+      mountains, he continues to
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  &ldquo;Hope on, hope ever,&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      that he will &ldquo;draw to fill.&rdquo; Far away up the canyon he hears
+      the sturdy blows of his wife's tomahawk as she slaughters the grease
+      wood and the sage brush for the fire in his gilded hell where he sits and
+      woos the lazy Goddess of Fortune.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      With the Shoshone, poker is not alone a relaxation, the game wherewith to
+      wear out a long and listless evening, but it is a passion, a duty and a
+      devotion. He has a face designed especially for poker. It never shows a
+      sign of good or evil fortune. You might as well try to win a smile from a
+      railroad right of way. The full hand, the fours, threes, pairs and
+      bob-tail flushes are all the same to him, if you judge by his face.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he gets hungry he cinches himself a little tighter and continues to
+      &ldquo;rastle&rdquo; with fate. You look at his smoky, old copper cent of
+      a face, and you see no change. You watch him as he coins the last buckshot
+      of his tribe and later on when he goes forth a pauper, and the corners of
+      his famine-breeding mouth have never moved, His little black,
+      smoke-inflamed eyes have never lighted with triumph or joy. He is the
+      great aboriginal stoic and sylvan dude. He does not smile. He does not
+      weep. It certainly must be intensely pleasant to be a wild, free, lawless,
+      irresponsible, natural born fool.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: GOING AWAY BROKE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9468}.jpg" alt="{9468}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9468}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The Shoshones proper include the Bannocks, which are again subdivided into
+      the Koolsitakara or Buffalo Eaters, on Wind River, the Tookarika or
+      Mountain Sheep Eaters, on Salmon or Suabe Eivers, the Shoshocas or White
+      Knives, sometimes called Diggers, of the Humbolt Eiver and the Great Salt
+      Lake basin. Probably the Hokandikahs, Yahooskins and the Wahlpapes are
+      subdivisions of the Digger tribe. I am 'not sure of this, but I
+      shall not suspend my business till I can find out about it. If I cannot
+      get at a great truth right off I wait patiently and go right on drawing my
+      salary.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Shoshones live on the government and other small game. They will eat
+      anything when hungry, from a buffalo down to a woodtick. The Shoshone does
+      not despise small things. He loves insects in any form. He loves to make
+      pets of them and to study their habits in his home life.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE HOME CIRCLE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0469}.jpg" alt="{0469}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0469}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Formerly, when a great Shoshone warrior died, they killed his favorite
+      wife over his grave, so that she could go to the happy hunting grounds
+      with him, but it is not so customary now. I tried to impress on an old
+      Shoshone brave once that they ought not to do that. I tried to show him
+      that it would encourage celibacy and destroy domestic ties in his tribe.
+      Since then there has been quite a stride toward reform among them. Instead
+      of killing the widow on the death of the husband, the husband takes such
+      good care of his health and avoids all kinds of intellectual strain or
+      physical fatigue, that late years there are no widows, but widowers just
+      seem to swarm in the Shoshone tribe. The woods are full of them.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Now, if they would only kill the widower over the grave of the wife, the
+      Indian's future would assume a more definite shape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0177" id="link2H_4_0177"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Roller Skating.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have once more tried to ride a pair of roller skates. That is the reason
+      I got down on the rink and down on roller skates. That is the reason
+      several people got down on me. That is also the reason why I now state in
+      a public manner, to a lost and undone race, that unless the roller-rink is
+      at once abolished, the whole civilized race will at once be plunged into
+      arnica.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I had tried it once before, but had not carried my experiments to a
+      successful termination. I made a trip around the rink last August, but was
+      ruled out by the judges for incompetency, and advised to skate among the
+      people who were hostile to the government of the United States, while the
+      proprietors repaired the rink.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      On the 9th of June I nestled in the bosom of a cyclone to excess, and it
+      has required the bulk of the succeeding months for nature to glue the bone
+      of my leg together in proper shape. That is the reason I have not given
+      the attention to roller-skating that I should.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A few weeks ago I read what Mr. Talmage said about the great national
+      vice. It was his opinion that, if we skated in a proper spirit, we could
+      leave the rink each evening with our immortal souls in good shape.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Somehow it got out that on Thursday evening I would undertake the feat of
+      skating three rounds in three hours with no protection to my scruples, for
+      one-half the gate money, Talmage rules. So there was quite a large
+      audience present with opera glasses. Some had umbrellas, especially on the
+      front rows. These were worn spread, in order to ward off fragments of the
+      rink which might become disengaged and set in motion by atmospheric
+      disturbances.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      In obedience to a wild, Wagnerian snort from the orchestra, I came into
+      the arena with my skates in hand. I feel perfectly at home before an
+      audience when I have my skates in hand. It is a morbid desire to wear the
+      skates on my feet that has always been my <i>bete noire</i>. Will the
+      office boy please give me a brass check for that word so that I can get it
+      when I go away?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My first thought, after getting myself secured to the skates, was this:
+      &ldquo;Am I in the proper frame of mind? Am I doing this in the right
+      spirit? Am I about to skate in such a way as to lift the fog of unbelief
+      which now envelopes a sinful world, or shall I deepen the opaque night in
+      which my race is wrapped?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just then that end of the rink erupted in a manner so forthwith and so <i>tout
+      ensemble</i> that I had to push it back in place with my person. I never
+      saw anything done with less delay or less languor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The audience went wild with enthusiasm, and I responded to the encore by
+      writing my name in the air with my skates.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This closed the first seance, and my trainer took me in the dressing-room
+      to attend a consultation of physicians. After the rink carpenter had
+      jacked up the floor a little I went out again. I had no fears about my
+      ability to perform the mechanical part assigned me, but I was still
+      worried over the question of whether it would or would not be of lasting
+      benefit to mankind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Those who have closely scrutinized my frame in repose have admitted that I
+      am fearfully and wonderfully made. Students of the human frame say that
+      they never saw such a wealth of looseness and limberness lavished upon one
+      person. They claim that nature bestowed upon me the hinges and joints
+      intended for a whole family, and therefore when I skate the air seems to
+      be perfectly lurid with limbs. I presume that this is true; though I have
+      so little leisure while skating in which to observe the method itself, the
+      plot or animus of the thing, as it were, that my opinion would be of
+      little value to the scientist.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am led to believe that the roller skate is certainly a great civilizer
+      and a wonderful leveler of mankind. If we so skate that when the summons
+      comes to seek our ward in the general hospital, where each shall heal his
+      busted cuticle within the walls where rinkists squirm, we go not like the
+      moral wreck, morally paralyzed, but like a hired man taking his medicine,
+      and so forth&mdash;we may skate with perfect impunity, or anyone else to
+      whom we may be properly introduced by our cook.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0178" id="link2H_4_0178"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      No More Frontier.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The system of building railroads into the wilderness, and then allowing
+      the wilderness to develop afterward, has knocked the essential joy out of
+      the life of the pioneer. At one time the hardy hewer of wood and drawer of
+      water gave his lifetime willingly that his son might ride in the &ldquo;varnished
+      cars.&rdquo; Now the Pullman palace car takes the New Yorker to the
+      threshold of the sea, or to the boundary line between the United States
+      and the British possessions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It has driven out the long handled frying pan and the flapjack of twenty
+      years ago, and introduced the condensed milk and canned fruit of commerce.
+      Along the highways, where once the hopeful hundreds marched with long
+      handled shovel and pick and pan, cooking by the way thin salt pork and
+      flapjacks and slumgullion, now the road is lined with empty beer bottles
+      and peach cans that have outlived their usefulness. No landscape can be
+      picturesque with an empty peach can in the foreground any more than a lion
+      would look grand in a red monogram horse blanket and false teeth.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9472}.jpg" alt="{9472}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9472}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The modern camp is not the camp of the wilderness. It wears the
+      half-civilized and shabby genteel garments of a sawed-off town. You know
+      that if you ride a day you will be where you can get the daily papers and
+      read them under the electric light. That robs the old canyons of their
+      solemn isolation and peoples each gulch with the odor of codfish balls and
+      civilization. Civilization is not to blame for all this, and yet it seems
+      sad.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Civilization could not have done all this alone. It had to call to its aid
+      the infernal fruit can that now desolates the most obscure trail in the
+      heart of the mountains. You walk over chaos where the &ldquo;hydraulic&rdquo;
+      has plowed up the valley like a convulsion, or you tread the yielding path
+      across the deserted dump, and on all sides the rusty, neglected and
+      humiliated empty tin can stares at you with its monotonous, dude-like
+      stare.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      An old timer said to me once: &ldquo;I've about decided, Bill, that
+      the West is a matter of history. When we cooked our grub over a sage brush
+      fire we could get fat and fight Indians, but now we fill our digesters
+      with the cold pizen and pewter of the canned peach; we go to a big tavern
+      and stick a towel under our chins and eat pie with a fork and heat up our
+      carkisses with antichrist coal, and what do we amount to? Nuthin! I used
+      to chase Injuns all day and eat raw salt pork at night, bekuz I dassent
+      build a fire, and still I felt better than I do now with a wad of tin-can
+      solder in my stummick and a homesick feeling in my weather-beaten breast.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;No, we don't have the fun we used to. We have more swarrees
+      and sciatica and one bloomin' thing and another of that kind, but we
+      don't get one snort of pure air and appetite in a year. They're
+      bringin' in their blamed telephones now and malaria and aigue and
+      old sledge, and fun might as well skip out. There ain't no frontier
+      any more. All we've got left is the old-fashioned trantler joos and
+      rhumatiz of '49.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  Behind the red squaw's cayuse plug,
+   The hand-car roars and raves,
+  And pie-plant pies are now produced
+   Above the Indian graves.
+  I hear the oaths of pioneers,
+   The caucus yet to be,
+  The first low hum where soon will
+   The fuzzy bumble bee.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0179" id="link2H_4_0179"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Letter of Regrets.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      My dear Princess Beatrice&mdash;I received your kind invitation to come up
+      to Whippingham on the 23d inst. and see you married, but I have not been
+      able to get there. The weather has been so hot this month, that, to tell
+      you the truth, Beatrice, I haven't been going anywhere to speak of.
+      At first I thought I would go anyhow, and even went so far as to pick out
+      a nice corner bracket to take along for a wedding present. Not so much for
+      its intrinsic value, of course, but so you would have something with my
+      name to it on a card that you could show to those English dudes, and let
+      them know that you had influential friends, even in America. But when I
+      thought what a long, hard trip it would be, and how I would probably mash
+      that bracket on the cars before I got half way there, I gave it up.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am not personally acquainted with your inamorato, if that's all
+      right, never having met him in our set; but I understand you have done
+      well, and that your husband is a rising young man of good family, and that
+      he will never allow you to put your hands into dishwater. I hope this is
+      true and that he does not drink. Rum has certainly paralyzed more dukes
+      and such things than war has. I attribute this to the fact that princes
+      and dukes are generally more reckless about exposing themselves to the
+      demon rum than to the rude alarums and one thing another of war.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you keep a girl I hope you will get a good one who knows her business.
+      A green girl in the house of a newly-married princess is a great source of
+      annoyance. A friend of mine who got married last winter got a girl whose
+      mind had been eaten by cut-worms and she had not discovered it. All the
+      faculty that had been spared her was that power of the mind which enabled
+      her to charge $3 a week. She lubricated the buckwheat pancake griddle for
+      a week with soap grease and a dash of castor oil, and when she was
+      discharged she wept bitterly because capital with the iron heel ground the
+      poor servant girl into the dust.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Probably you will take a little tour after the wedding is over. They are
+      doing that way a good deal in Boston this season. I thought you would like
+      a pointer in the very lum-tumest thing to do, and so I write this. So long
+      as you have the means to do this thing right, I think you ought to do so.
+      You may never be married again, princess, and now is the time to paint the
+      British Isles red.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You can also get more concessions from your husband now, while he is a
+      little rattled, and temporarily knocked silly by the pomp and pageant of
+      marrying into your family, and if you work it right you can maintain this
+      supremacy for years. Treat him with a gentle firmness, and do not weep on
+      his bosom if you detect the aroma of beer and bologna sausage on his young
+      breath. Bologna and royalty do not seem to harmonize first-rate, but
+      remember you can harass your husband if you choose, so that he will fall
+      to even lower depths than bologna and Milwaukee beer. Do not aggravate him
+      when he comes home tired, but help him do the chores and greet him with a
+      smile.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I'd just as soon tell you, Beatrice, that this smile racket is not
+      original with me. I read it in a paper. This paper went on to say that a
+      young wife should always greet her husband with a smile on his return. I
+      showed the article to my wife and suggested that it was a good scheme, and
+      hoped she would try it on me sometime. She said if I would like to change
+      off awhile, and take my smile when I got home instead of taking it down
+      town, we would make the experiment. The trouble with the average woman of
+      the age in which we live, Beatrice, is that she is above her business. She
+      tries to be superior to her husband, and in many instances she succeeds.
+      That is the bane of wedded life. Do not strive to be superior to your
+      husband, Beatrice. If you do, it is good-bye, John.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Treat him well at all times, whether he treats you well or not; then when
+      your mother gets tired of reigning and wants to come down and spend the
+      hot weather with you, she will be kindly greeted by her son-in-law.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not allow the fact that you belong to the royal family to interfere
+      with your fun, Beatrice. If you want to wear a Mother Hubbard dress on the
+      throne during hot weather, or mash a mosquito with your mother's
+      sceptre, do so. Conventionality is a humbug and a nuisance, and I'd
+      just as soon tell you right here that if I could have gone to your wedding
+      and worn a linen coat and a perspiration, I would have gone; but to stand
+      around there all day in a tight black suit of clothes, in a mixed crowd of
+      dukes, and counts, and princes of high degree, most of whom are total
+      strangers to me, is more than I can stand.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I wish you would give my love to your mother and tell her just how it was.
+      Make it as smooth as you can and break it to her gently. Tell her that the
+      royal family is spreading out so that I can't leave my work every
+      time one of its members gets married. Remember me to the Waleses, the
+      Darmstadts, Princess Irene and Victoria, Mr. and Mrs. Prince Alexander of
+      Bulgaria, also Prince Francis of Battenberg and the Countess Erbach
+      Schomberg. They will all be there probably, and so will Lord Latham and
+      Lord Edgcumbe. I know just how Edgcumbe will snort around there when he
+      finds that I can't be there. Give my kind regards to any other
+      lords, dukes, duchesses, dowagers or marchionesses who may inquire for me,
+      and tell them all that I will be in London next year if the Prince of
+      Wales will drop me a line stating that the moral tone of the city is such
+      that it would be safe for me to come.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0476}.jpg" alt="{0476}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0476}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0180" id="link2H_4_0180"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Venice.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      We arrived in Venice last evening, latitude 45 deg. 25 min, N., longitude
+      12 deg. 19 min. E.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Venice is the home of the Venetian, and also where the gondola has its
+      nest and rears its young. It is also the headquarters for the paint known
+      as Venetian red. They use it in painting the town on festive occasions.
+      This is the town where the Merchant of Venice used to do business, and the
+      home of Shylock, a broker, who sheared the Venetian lamb at the corner of
+      the Rialto and the Grand Canal. He is now no more. I couldn't even
+      find an old neighbor near the Rialto who remembered Shylock. From what I
+      can learn of him, however, I am led to believe that he was pretty close in
+      his deals, and liked to catch a man in a tight place and then make him
+      squirm. Shylock, during the great panic in Venice, many years ago, it is
+      said, had a chattel mortgage on more lives than you could shake a stick
+      at. He would loan a small amount to a merchant at three per cent, a month,
+      and secure it on a pound of the merchant's liver, or by a cut-throat
+      mortgage on his respiratory apparatus. Then, when the paper matured, he
+      would go up to the house with a pair of scales and a pie knife and demand
+      a foreclosure.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Venice is one of the best watered towns in Europe. You can hardly walk a
+      block without getting your feet wet, unless you ride in a gondola.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The gondola is a long, slim hack without wheels and is worked around
+      through the damp streets by a brunette man whose breath should be a sad
+      framing to us all. He is called the gondolier. Sometimes he sings in a low
+      tone of voice and in a foreign tongue. I do not know where I have met so
+      many foreigners as I have here in Europe, unless it was in New York, at
+      the polls. Wherever I go, I hear a foreign tongue. I do not know whether
+      these people talk in the Italian language just to show off or not. Perhaps
+      they prefer it. London is the only place I have visited where the Boston
+      dialect is used. London was originally settled by adventurers from Boston.
+      The blood of some of the royal families of Massachusetts may be found in
+      the veins of London people.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wealthy young ladies in Venice do not run away with the coachman. There
+      are no coaches, no coachmen and no horses in Venice. There are only four
+      horses in Venice and they are made of copper and exhibited at St Mark's
+      as curiosities.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Accademia delle Belle Arti of Venice is a large picture store where I
+      went yesterday to buy a few pictures for Christmas presents. A painting by
+      Titian, the Italian Prang, pleased me very much, but I couldn't beat
+      down the price to where it would be any object for me to buy it. Besides,
+      it would be a nuisance to carry such a picture around with me all over the
+      Alps, up the Rhine and through St. Lawrence county. I finally decided to
+      leave it and secure something less awkward to carry and pay for.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Italians are quite proud of their smoky old paintings. I have often
+      thought that if Venice would run less to art and more to soap, she would
+      be more apt to win my respect. Art is all right to a certain extent, but
+      it can be run in the ground. It breaks my heart to know how lavish nature
+      has been with water here, and yet how the Venetians scorn to investigate
+      its benefits. When a gondolier gets a drop of water on him, he swoons.
+      Then he lies in a kind of coma till another gondolier comes along to
+      breathe in his face and revive him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0181" id="link2H_4_0181"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      She Kind of Coaxed Him.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I never practiced law very much, but during the brief period that my
+      sheet-iron sign was kissed by the Washoe zephyr, I had several odd
+      experiences. I'm sure that lawyers who practice for forty years,
+      especially on the frontier or in a new country, could write a large book
+      that would make mighty interesting reading.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day I was figuring up how much a man could save in ten years, paying
+      forty dollars a month rent, and taking in two dollars and fifty cents per
+      month, when a large man with a sad eye and an early purple tumor on the
+      side of his head, came in and asked me if my name was Nye. I told him it
+      was and asked him to take a chair and spit on the stove a few times, and
+      make himself entirely at home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He did so.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      After answering in a loud, tremulous tone of voice that we were having
+      rather a backward spring, he produced a red cotton handkerchief and took
+      out of it a deed which he submitted to my ripe and logical legal mind.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I asked him if that was his name that appeared in the body of the deed as
+      grantor. He said it was. I then asked him why his wife had not signed it,
+      as it seemed to be the homestead, and her name appeared in the instrument
+      with that of her husband, but her signature wasn't at the foot,
+      though his name was duly signed, witnessed and acknowledged.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said he, &ldquo;there's where the gazelle comes
+      in.&rdquo; He then took a bite off the corner of a plug of tobacco about
+      as big as a railroad land grant, and laid two twenty dollar gold pieces on
+      the desk near my arm. I took them and tapped them together like the
+      cashier of the Bank of England, and, disguising my annoyance over the
+      little episode, told him to go on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well,&rdquo; said the large man, fondling the wen which nestled
+      lovingly in his faded Titian hair, &ldquo;my wife has conscientious
+      scruples against signing that deed. We have been married about a year now,
+      but not actively for the past eleven months. I'm kind of <i>ex-officio</i>
+      husband, as you might say. After we'd been married about a month a
+      little incident occurred which made a riffle, as you might say, in our
+      domestic tide. I was division master on the U.P., and one night I got an
+      order to go down towards Sidney and look at a bridge. Of course I couldn't
+      get back till the next evening. So I sighed and switched off to the
+      superintendent's office, expecting to go over on No. 4 and look at
+      the bridge. At the office they told me that I needn't go till
+      Tuesday, so I strolled up town and got home about nine o'clock, went
+      in with a latch key, just as a mutual friend went out through the bed-room
+      window, taking a sash that I paid two dollars for. I didn't care for
+      the sash, because he left a pair of pantaloons worth twelve dollars and
+      some silver in the pockets, but I thought it was such odd taste for a man
+      to wear a sash without his uniform.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Well, as I had documentary evidence against my wife, I told her she
+      could take a vacation. She cried a good deal, but it didn't count I
+      suffered a good deal, but tears did not avail. It takes a good deal of
+      damp weather to float me out of my regular channel. She spent the night
+      packing her trousseau, and in the morning she went away. Now, I could get
+      a divorce and save all this trouble of getting her signature, but I'd
+      rather not tell this whole business in court, for the little woman seems
+      to be trying to do better, and if it wasn't for her blamed old hyena
+      of a mother, would get along tip-top. She's living with her mother
+      now and if a lawyer would go to the girl and tell her how it is, and that
+      I want to sell the property and want her signature, in place of getting a
+      divorce, I believe she'd sign. Would you mind trying it?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;COAXING."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9480}.jpg" alt="{9480}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9480}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I said if I could get time I would go over and talk with her and see what
+      she said. So I did. I got along pretty well, too. I found the young woman
+      at home, and told her the legal aspects of the case. She wouldn't
+      admit any of the charges, but after a long parley agreed to execute the
+      deed and save trouble. She came to my office an hour later, and signed the
+      instrument I got two witnesses to the signature and had just put the
+      notarial seal on it when the girl's mother came in. She asked her
+      daughter if she had signed the deed and was told that she had. She said
+      nothing, but smiled in a way that made my blood run cold. If a woman were
+      to smile on me that way every day, I should certainly commit some great
+      crime.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was just congratulating myself on the success of the business, and was
+      looking at the two $20 gold pieces and trying to get acquainted with them,
+      as it were, after the two women had gone away; when they returned with the
+      husband and son-in-law at the head of the procession. He looked pale and
+      careworn to me. He asked me in a low voice if I had a deed there, executed
+      by his wife. I said yes. He then asked me if I would kindly destroy it. I
+      said I would. I would make deeds and tear them up all day at $40 apiece. I
+      said I liked the conveyancing business very much, and if a client felt
+      like having a grand, warranty deed debauch, I was there to furnish the raw
+      material.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I then tore up the deed and the two women went quietly away. After they
+      had gone, my client, in an absent-minded way, took out a large quid that
+      had outlived its usefulness, laid it tenderly on the open page of Estey's
+      Pleadings, and said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;You doubtless think I am a singular organization, and that my ways
+      are past finding out. I wish to ask you if I did right a moment ago?&rdquo;
+      Here he took out another $20 and put it under the paper weight. &ldquo;When
+      I went down stairs I met my mother-in-law. She always looked to me like a
+      firm woman, but I did not think she was so unswerving as she really was.
+      She asked me in a low, musical voice to please destroy the deed, and then
+      she took one of them Smith &amp; Wesson automatic advance agents of death
+      out from under her apron and kind of wheedled me into saying I would. Now,
+      did I do right? I want a candid, legal opinion, and I'm ready to pay
+      for it.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I said he did perfectly right.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0182" id="link2H_4_0182"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Answering an Invitation.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Hudson, Wis., January 19, 1886.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Dear friend.&mdash;I have just received your kind and cordial invitation
+      to come to Washington and spend several weeks there among the eminent men
+      of our proud land. I would be glad to go as you suggest, but I cannot do
+      so at this time. I am passionately fond of mingling with the giddy whirl
+      of good society. I hope you will not feel that my reason for declining
+      your kind invitation is that I feel myself above good society. I assure
+      you I do not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Nothing pleases me better than to dress up and mingle among my fellow-men,
+      with a sprinkling here and there of the other sex. It is true that the
+      most profitable study for mankind is man, but we should not overlook
+      woman. Woman is now seeking to be emancipated. Let us put our great,
+      strong arms around her and emancipate her. Even if we cannot emancipate
+      but one, we shall not have lived entirely for naught.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am told by those upon whom I can rely that there are hundreds of
+      attractive young women throughout our joyous land who have arrived at
+      years of discretion and yet who have never been emancipated. I met a woman
+      on the cars last week who is lecturing on this subject, and she told me
+      all about it. Now, the question at once presents itself, how shall we
+      emancipate woman unless we go where she is? We must go right into society
+      and take her by the hand and never let go of her hand till she is properly
+      emancipated. Not only must she be emancipated, but she must be emancipated
+      from her present thralldom. Thralldom of this kind is liable to break out
+      in any community, and those who are now in perfect health may pine away in
+      a short time and flicker.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      My course, while mingling in society's mad whirl, is to first open
+      the conversation with a young lady by leading her away to the
+      conservatory, where I ask her if she has ever been the victim of thralldom
+      and whether or not she has ever been ground under the heel of the tyrant
+      man. I then time her pulse for thirty minutes, so as to strike a good
+      average. The emancipation of woman is destined at some day to become one
+      of our leading industries.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You also ask me to kindly lead the German while there. I would cheerfully
+      do so, but owing to the wobbly eccentricity of my cyclone leg, it would be
+      sort of a broken German. But I could sit near by and watch the game with a
+      furtive glance, and fan the young ladies between the acts, and converse
+      with them in low, earnest, passionate tones. I like to converse with
+      people in whom I take an interest. I was conversing with a young lady one
+      evening at a recherche ball in my far away home in the free and unfettered
+      West, a very brilliant affair, I remember, under the auspices of Hose
+      Company No. 2, I was talking in a loud and earnest way to this liquid-eyed
+      creature, a little louder than usual, because the music was rather forte
+      just then, and the base viol virtuoso was bearing on rather hard at that
+      moment. The music ceased with a sudden snort. And so did my wife, who was
+      just waltzing past us. If I had ceased to converse at the same time that
+      the music shut off, all might have been well, but I did not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your remark that the president and cabinet would be glad to see me this
+      winter is ill-timed.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There have been times when it would have given me much pleasure to visit
+      Washington, but I did not vote for Mr. Cleveland, to tell the truth, and I
+      know that if I were to go to the White House and visit even for a few
+      days, he would reproach me and throw it up to me. It is true I did not
+      pledge myself to vote for him, but still I would hate to go to a man's
+      house and eat his popcorn and use his smoking tobacco after I had voted
+      against him and talked about him as I have about Cleveland.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      No, I can't be a hypocrite. I am right out, open and above board. If
+      I talk about a man behind his back, I won't go and gorge myself with
+      his victuals. I was assured by parties in whom I felt perfect confidence
+      that Mr. Cleveland was a &ldquo;moral leper,&rdquo; and relying on such
+      assurances from men in whom I felt that I could trust, and not being at
+      that time where I could ask Mr. Cleveland in person whether he was or was
+      not a moral leper as aforesaid, I assisted in spreading the report that he
+      had been exposed to moral leprosy, and as near as I could learn, he was
+      liable to come down with it at any time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So that even if I go to Washington I shall put up at a hotel and pay my
+      bills just as any other American citizen would. I know how it is with Mr.
+      Cleveland at this time. When the legislature is in session there, people
+      come in from around Buffalo with their butter and eggs to sell, and stay
+      overnight with the president. But they should not ride a free horse to
+      death. I may not be well educated, but I am high strung till you can't
+      rest Groceries are just as high in Washington as they are in Philadelphia.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hope that you will not glean from the foregoing that I have lost my
+      interest in national affairs. God forbid. Though not in the political
+      arena myself, my sympathies are with those who are. I am willing to assist
+      the families of those who are in the political arena trying to obtain a
+      precarious livelihood thereby. I was once an official under the Federal
+      government myself, as the curious student of national affairs may learn if
+      he will go to the Treasury Department at Washington, D.C., and ask to see
+      my voucher for $9.85, covering salary as United States commissioner for
+      the Second Judicial District of Wyoming for the year 1882. It was at that
+      time that a vile contemporary characterized me as &ldquo;a corrupt and
+      venal Federal official who had fattened upon the hard-wrung taxes of my
+      fellow citizens and gorged myself for years at the public crib.&rdquo;
+      This was unjust I was not corrupt I was not venal. I was only hungry!
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0183" id="link2H_4_0183"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Street Cars and Curiosities.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      There is an institution in Boston which the Pilgrim Fathers did not
+      originate. That is the street car. There is a street car parade all day on
+      Washington street, and a red-light procession most of the night.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      People told me that I could get into a car and go anywhere I wanted to. I
+      tried it. There was a point in Boston, I learned, where there were some
+      more relics that I hadn't seen. Parties told me where I could find
+      some more fragments of the Mayflower, and an old chair in which Josiah
+      Quincy had sat down to think. There were also a few more low price
+      flint-lock guns and tomahawks that no man who visited Boston could afford
+      to miss. Besides, there was said to be the lock that used to be on the
+      door of a room in which General Washington had a good notion to write his
+      farewell address. All these things were in the collection which I started
+      out to find, and there were others, also.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For instance, there was a specimen of the lightning that Franklin caught
+      in his demijohn out of the sky, and still in a good state of preservation;
+      also some more clothes in which he was baptized, more swords of Bunker
+      Hill, and a little shirt which John Hancock put on as soon as he was born.
+      Hancock was a perfect gentleman from his birth, and it is said that the
+      first thing he did was to excuse himself for a moment and then put on this
+      shirt. His manners were certainly very agreeable, and he was very much
+      polished.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I heard, too, that there was an acorn from the tree in which Benedict
+      Arnold had his nest while he was hatching treason. I did not believe it,
+      but I had an idea I could readily discover the fraud if I could only see
+      the acorn, for I am a great historian and researcher from away back. I was
+      told that in this collection there was a suspender button shed by Patrick
+      Henry during his memorable speech in which he raised up to his full height
+      on his hind feet and permitted the war to come in <i>italics</i>, also in
+      SMALL CAPS and in LARGE CAPS!!! with three astonishers on the end.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So I wanted to find this place, and as I had plenty of means I decided to
+      ride in a street car. Therefore, I aimed my panic price cane at the driver
+      of a cream-colored car with a blue stomach, and remarked, &ldquo;Hi,
+      there!&rdquo; Before I go any further, and in order to avoid ambiguity,
+      let me say that it was the car that had the blue stomach. He (the driver)
+      twisted the brake and I went inside, clear to the further end, and sat
+      down by the side of a young woman who filled the whole car with sunshine.
+      I was so happy that I gave the conductor half a dollar and told him to
+      keep the change. If by chance she sees this, I hope she still remembers
+      me. Pretty soon a very fat woman came into the car and aimed for our
+      quarter. She evidently intended to squat between this fair girl and
+      myself. But ah, thought I to myself in a low tone of voice, I will fool
+      thee. So I shoved my person along in the seat toward the sweet girl of the
+      Bay State. The corpulent party, whose name I did not learn, had in the
+      meantime backed up to where she had detected a slight vacancy, and where I
+      had seen fit to place myself. At that moment she heaved a sigh of relief,
+      and, assisted by the motion of the car, which just then turned a corner,
+      she sat down in my lap and nestled in my bosom like a tired baby elephant.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: PATRICK HENRY.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9486}.jpg" alt="{9486}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9486}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      Dear reader, if I were to tell you that the crystal of my watch was picked
+      out from under my shoulder blades the next day, you would not believe it,
+      would you? I will not strain your faith in me by making the statement, but
+      that was the heaviest woman I ever held.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      While all this was going on I lost track of my location. The car began to
+      squirm around all over Boston, and finally the conductor came back and
+      wanted more money. I said no, I would get off and try a dark red car with
+      a green stomach for a while. So I did I rode on that till I had seen a
+      great deal of new scenery, and then I asked the conductor if he passed
+      Number Clankety Clank, Blank street. He said he did not, but if I would go
+      down two blocks further and take a maroon car with a plaid stomach it
+      would take me to the corner of &ldquo;What-do-you-call-it and What's-his-name
+      streets,&rdquo; where, if I took a seal brown car with squshed huckleberry
+      trimmings it would take me to where I wanted to go. So I tried it. I do
+      not know just where I missed my train, but when I found the seal brown car
+      with scrunched huckleberry trimmings it was going the other way, and as it
+      was late I went into a cafe and refreshed myself. When I came out I
+      discovered that it was too late to see the collection, even if I could
+      find it, for at 6 o'clock they take the relics in and put them into
+      a refrigerator till morning.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: TAKING A PRIZE.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figright" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{8487}.jpg" alt="{8487} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{8487}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      I was now weary and somewhat disappointed, so I desired to get back to my
+      headquarters, wherein I could rest and where I could lock myself up in my
+      room, so no prize fat woman could enter. I hailed one of those sawed-off
+      landaus, consisting of two wheels, one door behind, and a bill for two
+      bits. I told the college graduate on the box where I wanted to go, gave
+      him a quarter and got in. I sat down and heaved a chaste sigh. The sigh
+      was only half hove when the herdic backed up to my destination, which was
+      about 300 feet from where I got in, as the crow flies.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When I go to Boston again, I am going in charge of the police.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The street railway system of Boston is remarkably perfect. Fifty cars pass
+      a given point on Washington street in an hour, and yet there are no
+      blockades. You can take one of those cars, if you are a stranger, and you
+      can get so mixed up that you will never get back, and all for five cents.
+      I felt a good deal like the man who was full and who stepped on a man who
+      was not full. The sober man was mad, and yelled out: &ldquo;See here;
+      condemn it, can't you look where you're walking?&rdquo;
+      &ldquo;Betcher life,&rdquo; says the inebriate, &ldquo;but trouble is to
+      walk where I'm lookin'.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0184" id="link2H_4_0184"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      The Poor Blind Pig.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I have just been over to the Falls of Minnehaha. In fact I have been quite
+      a tourist and summer resorter this season, having saturated my system with
+      nineteen different styles of mineral water in Wisconsin alone, and tried
+      to win the attention of nineteen different styles of head waiters at these
+      summer hotels. I may add in passing that the summer hotels of Wisconsin
+      and Minnesota have been crowded full the past season and more room will
+      have to be added before another season comes around.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The motto of the summer hotel seems to be, &ldquo;Unless ye shall have
+      feed the waiter, behold ye shall in no wise be fed.&rdquo; Many waiters at
+      these places, by a judicious system of blackmail and starvation, have
+      reduced the guest to a sad state.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THE MAN WHO FEES THE WAITER.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9488}.jpg" alt="{9488}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9488}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      The mineral water of Wisconsin ranks high as a beverage. Many persons are
+      using it during the entire summer in place of rum.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The water of Waukesha does not appear to taste of any mineral, although an
+      analysis shows the presence of several kinds of groceries in solution. The
+      water at Palmyra Springs also tastes like any other pure water, but at
+      Kankanna, on the Fox River, they have a style of mineral water which is
+      different. Almost as soon as you taste it you discover that it is
+      extremely different. Colonel Watrous, of the Milwaukee <i>Sunday Telegraph</i>,
+      took some of it. I saw him afterward. He looked depressed, and told me
+      that he had been deceived. Several Kankanna people had told him that this
+      was living water, He had discovered otherwise. He hated to place his
+      confidence in people and then find it misplaced.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A favorite style of Kankanna revenge is to drink a quart of this water,
+      and then, on meeting an enemy, to breathe on him and wither him. One
+      breath produces syncope and blind staggers. Two breaths induce coma and
+      metallic casket for one.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Minnehaha is not mineral water. It is just plain water, giving itself away
+      day after day like a fresh young man in society. If you want pure water
+      you get it at the spring near the foot of the fall, and if you want it
+      flavored, with something that will leave a blazed road the whole length of
+      your alimentary canal, you go to the &ldquo;blind pig,&rdquo; a few rods
+      away from the falls.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The blind pig draws many people toward the falls through sympathy. To be
+      blind must indeed be a sad plight. Let us pause and reflect on this
+      proposition.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By good fortune I have had a chance to watch the rum problem in all its
+      phases this summer. Beginning in Maine, where the most ingenious methods
+      of whipping the devil around the stump are adopted, then going through
+      northern Iowa and tasting her exhilarating pop, and at last paying ten
+      cents to see the blind pig at Minnehaha, I feel like one who has wrestled
+      with the temperance problem in a practical way, and I have about decided
+      that a high license is about the only way to make the sale of whisky
+      odious. Prohibition is too abrupt in its methods, and one generation can
+      hardly wipe out the appetite for liquor that has been planted and fostered
+      by fifty preceding generations.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      For fear that a few of my lady readers do not know what the Minnehaha
+      blind pig looks like, and that they may be curious about it, I will just
+      say that it is a method of evading the law, and consists of a dumb waiter,
+      wherein, if you pay ten cents, you get a glass of stimulants without the
+      annoyance of conversation. Many ladies who visit the falls, and who have
+      heard incidentally about the blind pig, express a desire to see the poor
+      little thing, but their husbands generally persuade them to refrain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Minnehaha is a beautiful waterfall. It is not so frightfully large and
+      grand as Niagara, but it is very fine, and if the State of Minnesota would
+      catch the man who nails his signs on the trees around there, and choke him
+      to death near the falls on a pleasant day, a large audience wold attend
+      with much pleasure, I believe that the fence-board advertiser is not only,
+      as a rule, wicked, but he also lacks common sense. Who ever bought a liver
+      pad or a corset because he read about it on a high board fence? No one.
+      Who ever purchased a certain kind of pill or poultice because the name of
+      that pill or poultice was nailed on a tree to disfigure a beautiful
+      landscape? I do not believe that any sane human being ever did so. If
+      everyone feels as I do about it, people would rather starve to death for
+      pills and freeze to death in a perfect wilderness of liver pads than buy
+      of the man who daubs the fair face of nature with names of his alleged
+      goods.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I saw a squaw who seemed to belong in the picture of the poetic little
+      waterfall. I did not learn her name. It was one of these long, corduroy
+      Sioux names, that hang together with hyphens like a lot of sausage. The
+      salaried humorist of the party said he never sausage a name before.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Translated into our tongue it meant
+      The-swift-daughter-of-the-prairie-blizzard-that-gathers-the-huckleberry-on
+      -the-run-and-don't-you-forget-it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0185" id="link2H_4_0185"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Daniel Webster.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I presume that Daniel Webster was as good an off-hand speaker as this
+      country has ever produced. Massachusetts has been well represented in
+      Congress since that time, but she has had few who could successfully
+      compete with D. Webster, Esq., attorney and counsellor-at-law, Boston,
+      Mass.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have never met Mr. Webster, but I have seen a cane that he used to wear,
+      and since that time I have felt a great interest in him. It was a heavy
+      winter cane, and was presented to him as a token of respect.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This reminds me of the inscription on a grave stone in the 280-year-old
+      churchyard at LaPointe, on Lake Superior, where I was last week. It shows
+      what punctuation has done for a lost and undone race. I copy the
+      inscription exactly as it appears:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+ {Illustration:
+ LOUIS ROC DE DEAU
+      SHOT
+ &mdash;&mdash;AS A MARK OF
+  ESTEEM BY HIS
+    BROTHER}
+</pre>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0491}.jpg" alt="{0491}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0491}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Daniel Webster had one of the largest and most robust brains that ever
+      flourished in our fair land. It was what we frequently call a teeming
+      brain, one of those four-horse teeming brains, as it were. Mr. Webster
+      wore the largest hat of any man then in Congress, and other senators and
+      representatives used to frequently borrow it to wear on the 2nd of
+      January, the 5th of July, and after other special occasions, when they had
+      been in executive session most all night and endured great mental strain.
+      This hat matter reminds me of an incident in the life of Benjamin F.
+      Butler, a man well known in Massachusetts even at the present time.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One evening, at a kind of reception or some such dissipation as that,
+      while Jim Nye was in the Senate, the latter left his silk hat on the
+      lounge with the opening turned up, and while he was talking with someone
+      else, Mr. Butler sat down in the hat with so much expression that it was a
+      wreck. Everyone expected to see James W. Nye walk up and smite Benjamin F.
+      Butler, but he did not do so. He looked at the chaotic hat for a minute,
+      more in sorrow than in anger, and then he said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Benjamin, I could have told you that hat wouldn't fit you
+      before you tried it on.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Daniel Webster's brain was not only very large, but it was in good
+      order all the time. Sometimes Nature bestows large brains on men who do
+      not rise to great prominence. Large brains do not always indicate great
+      intellectual power. These brains are large but of an inferior quality. A
+      schoolmate of mine used to wear a hat that I could put my head and both
+      feet into with perfect ease. I remember that he tied my shirt one day
+      while I was laying my well-rounded limbs in the mill pond near my
+      childhood's home.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I was mad at the time, but I could not lick him, for he was too large. All
+      I could do was to patiently untie my shirt while my teeth chattered, then
+      fling a large, three-cornered taunt in his teeth and run. He kept on
+      poking fun at me, I remember, till I got dressed, and alluded
+      incidentally, to my small brain and abnormal feet. This stung my sensitive
+      nature, and I told him that if I had such a wealth of brain as he had, and
+      it was of no use to think with, I would take it to a restaurant and have
+      it breaded. Then I went away.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      But we were speaking of Webster. Many lawyers of our day would do well to
+      read and study the illustrious example of Daniel Webster. He did not sit
+      in court all day with his feet on the table and howl, &ldquo;We object,&rdquo;
+      and then down his client for $50, just because he had made a noise. I
+      employed a lawyer once to bring suit for me to recover quite a sum of
+      money due me. After years of assessments and toilsome litigation, we got a
+      judgment. He said to me that he was anxious to succeed with the case
+      mainly because he knew I Wanted to vindicate myself. I said yes, that was
+      the idea exactly. I wanted to be vindicated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So he gave me the vindication and took the judgment as a slight
+      testimonial of his own sterling worth. When I want to be vindicated again
+      I will do it with one of those self-cocking vindicators that you can carry
+      in a pocket.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Looking over this letter, I am amazed to see the amount of valuable
+      information relative to the life of Mr. Webster that I have succeeded in
+      using. There are, of course, some minor details of Mr. Webster's
+      life which I have omitted, but nothing of real importance. The true
+      history of Mr. Webster is epitomized here, and told in a pleasing and
+      graceful manner, a style that is at once accurate and just and still
+      elegant, chaste and thoroughly refined, while at the same time there are
+      little gobs of sly humor in it that are real cute.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0493}.jpg" alt="{0493}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0493}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0186" id="link2H_4_0186"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Two Ways of Telling It.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I remember one sunny day in summer, we were sitting in the Boomerang
+      office, I and the city editor, and he was speaking enviously of my salary
+      of $150 per month as compared with his of $80, and I had just given him
+      the venerable minstrel witticism that of course my salary was much larger
+      than his, but he ought not to forget that he got his.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Just then there was a revolver shot at the foot of our stairs, and then
+      another. The printers rushed into the stairway from the composing room,
+      and to save time I ran out on the balcony that hung over the sidewalk and
+      which gave me a bird's-eye view of the murder. The next issue of the
+      paper contained an account about like this:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Cold-Blooded Murder.&mdash;Yesterday, between 12 and 1 o'clock, in
+      front of this office on Second street, James McKeon, in a manner almost
+      wholly unprovoked, shot James Smith, commonly known as Windy Smith. Smith
+      died at 2 o'clock this morning of his wounds. Windy Smith was not a
+      bad man, but, as his nickname would imply, he was a kind of noisy,
+      harmless fellow, and McKeon, who is a gambler and professional bad man,
+      can give no good reason for the killing. There is a determined effort on
+      foot to lynch the murderer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This account was brief, but it seemed to set forth the facts pretty
+      clearly, I thought, and I felt considerably chagrined when I saw an
+      account of the matter latter on, as written up by the prosecuting
+      attorney. I may be inaccurate as to dates and some other points of detail,
+      but, as nearly as I can remember, his version of the matter was like this:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+THE TERRITORY OF WYOMING, }
+  COUNTY OF ALBANY.       } ss.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      In Justice's Court, before E.W. Nye, Esq., Justice of the Peace.
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+The Territory of Wyoming, plt'ff.}
+                vs.              }  Complaint.
+James McKeon, def't.             }
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      The above named defendant, James McKeon, is accused of the crime of
+      murder, for that he, the said defendant, James McKeon, at the town of
+      Laramie City, in the County of Albany and Territory of Wyoming, and on the
+      13th day of July, Anno Domini 1880, then and there being, he, the said
+      defendant, James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously, feloniously, wickedly,
+      unlawfully, criminally, illegally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and
+      murderously, by means of a certain deadly weapon commonly called a Smith
+      &amp; Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol, so constructed as to revolve
+      upon itself and to be discharged by means of a spring and hammer, and with
+      six chambers thereto, and known commonly as a self-cocker, the same loaded
+      with gun-powder and leaden bullets, and in the hands of him, the said
+      defendant, James McKeon, level at, to, upon, by, contiguous to and against
+      the body of one James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, in the peace of
+      the commonwealth then and there being, and that by means of said deadly
+      weapon commonly called a Smith &amp; Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol,
+      so constructed as to revolve upon itself and to be discharged by means of
+      a spring or hammer, and with six chambers thereto and known commonly as a
+      self-cocker, the same loaded with gunpowder and leaden bullets and in the
+      hands of him the said defendant, James McKeon, held at, to, upon, by,
+      contiguous to and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly
+      called Windy Smith, he, the said James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously,
+      feloniously, wickedly, fraudulently, virulently, unlawfully, criminally,
+      illegally, brutally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and murderously, of
+      his malice aforethought with the deadly weapon aforesaid held in the right
+      hand of him, the said defendant, James McKeon, to, at, against, etc., the
+      body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, he, the
+      said defendant, James McKeon, at the said town of Laramie City, in the
+      said County of Albany, and in the heretofore enumerated Territory of
+      Wyoming, and on the hereinbefore mentioned 13th day of July, Anno Domini
+      1880, did inflict to, at, upon, by, contiguous to, adjacent to, adjoining,
+      over and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called
+      Windy Smith, one certain deadly, mortal, dangerous and painful wound,
+      to-wit: Over, against, to, at, by, upon, contiguous to, near, adjacent to
+      and bisecting the intestines of him, the said James Smith, commonly called
+      Windy Smith, by reason of which he, the said James Smith, commonly called
+      Windy Smith, did in great agony linger, and lingering did die, on the 14th
+      day of July, Anno Domini 1880, at 2 o'clock in the forenoon of said
+      day, contrary to the statutes in such case made and provided, and against
+      the peace and dignity of the Territory of Wyoming.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am now convinced that although the published account was correct, it was
+      not as full as it might have been. Perhaps the tendency of modern
+      journalism is to epitomize too much. In the hurry of daily newspaper work
+      and the press of matter upon our pages, very likely we are fatally brief,
+      and sacrifice rhetorical beauty to naked and goose-pimply facts.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0187" id="link2H_4_0187"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      All About Menials.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The subject of meals, lunch-counters, dining-cars and buffet-cars came up
+      the other day, incidentally. I had ordered a little breakfast in the
+      buffet-car, not so much because I expected to get anything, but because I
+      liked to eat in a car and have all the other passengers glaring at me. I
+      do not know which affords me the most pleasure&mdash;to sit for a
+      photograph and be stabbed in the cerebellum with a cast-iron prong, to be
+      fed in the presence of a mixed company of strangers, or to be called on
+      without any preparation to make a farewell speech on the gallows.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      However, I got my breakfast after awhile. The waiter was certainly the
+      most worthless, trifling, half-asleep combination of Senegambian stupidity
+      and poor white trash indolence and awkwardness that I ever saw. He brought
+      in everything except what I wanted, and then wound up by upsetting the
+      little cream pitcher in my lap. He did not charge for the cream. He threw
+      that in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So all the rest of the journey I was trying to eradicate a cream dado from
+      my pantaloons. It made me mad, because those pantaloons were made for me
+      by request Besides, I haven't got pantaloons to squander in that
+      way. To some a pair of pantaloons, more or less, is nothing, but it is
+      much to me.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: SHOWING HIS INMOST THOUGHT.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;">
+      <img src="images/{9497}.jpg" alt="{9497}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a
+      href="images/{9497}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </div>
+    <p>
+      There was a porter on the same train who was much the same kind of
+      furniture as the waiter. He slept days and made up berths all night.
+      Truly, he began making up berths at Jersey City, and when he got through,
+      about daylight, it was time to begin to unmake them again. All night long
+      I could hear him opening and shutting the berths like a concertina. He
+      sang softly to himself all night long:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  &ldquo;You must camp a little in the wilderness
+  And then we'll all go home.&rdquo;
+ </pre>
+    <p>
+      He played his own accompaniment on the berths.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When in repose he was generally asleep with a whisk broom in one hand and
+      the other hand extended with the palm up, waiting for a dividend to be
+      declared.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He generally slept with his mouth open, so that you could read his inmost
+      thoughts, and when I complained to him about the way my bunk felt, he said
+      he was sorry, and wanted to know which cell I was in.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I rode, years ago, over a new stage line for several days. It was through
+      an almost trackless wilderness, and the service hadn't been &ldquo;expedited&rdquo;
+      then. It was not a star route, anyhow. The government seemed to think that
+      the man who managed the thing ought not to expect help so long as he had
+      been such a fool asterisk it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      (Five minutes intermission for those who wish to be chloroformed.)
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The stage consisted of a buckboard. It was one of the first buckboards
+      ever made, and the horse was among the first turned out, also. The driver
+      and myself were the passengers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When it got to be about dinner time, I asked him if we were not pretty
+      near the dinner station. He grunted. He hadn't said a word since we
+      started. He was a surly, morose and taciturn man. I was told that he had
+      been disappointed in love. A half-breed woman named No-Wayno had led him
+      to believe that she loved him, and that if it had not been for her husband
+      she would gladly have been the driver's bride. So the driver
+      assassinated the disagreeable husband of No-Wayno. Then he went to the
+      ranch to claim his bride, but she was not there. She had changed her mind,
+      and married a cattle man, who had just moved on to the range with a
+      government mule and a branding iron, intending to slowly work himself into
+      the stock business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So this driver was a melancholy man. He only made one remark to me during
+      that long forty-mile drive through the wilderness. About dinner time he
+      drove the horse under a quaking asp tree, tied a nose bag of oats over its
+      head and took a wad of bread and bacon from his greasy pocket. The bacon
+      and bread had little flakes of smoking tobacco all over it, because he
+      carried his grub and tobacco in the same pocket. For a moment he
+      introduced one corner of the bacon and bread in among his whiskers. Then
+      he made the only remark that he uttered while we were together. He said:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Pardner, dinner is now ready in the dining-car.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0188" id="link2H_4_0188"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Powerful Speech.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      I once knew a man who was nominated by his fellow citizens for a certain
+      office and finally elected without having expended a cent for that
+      purpose. He was very eccentric, but he made a good officer. When he heard
+      that he was nominated, he went up, as he said, into the mountains to do
+      some assessment work on a couple of claims. He got lost and didn't
+      get his bearings until a day or two after election. Then he came into town
+      hungry, greasy and ragged, but unpledged.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He found that he was elected, and in answer to a telegram started off for
+      'Frisco to see a dying relative. He did not get back till the first
+      of January. Then he filed his bond and sailed into the office. He fired
+      several sedentary deputies who had been in the place twenty years just
+      because they were good &ldquo;workers.&rdquo; That is, they were good
+      workers at the polls. They saved all their energies for the campaign, and
+      so they only had vitality enough left to draw their salaries during the
+      balance of the two years.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      This man raised the county scrip from sixty to ninety-five in less than
+      two years, and still they busted him in the next convention. He was too
+      eccentric. One delegate asked what in Sam Hill would become of the country
+      if every candidate should skin out during the campaign and rusticate in
+      the mountains while the battle was being fought.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Says he, &ldquo;I am a delegate from the precinct of Rawhide Buttes, and I
+      calklate I know what I am talkin' about. Gentlemen of the
+      convention, just suppose that everybody, from the President of the United
+      States down, was to git the nomination and then light out like a house
+      afire and never come back till it was time to file his bond; what's
+      going to become of us common drunkards to whom election is a noasis in the
+      bad lands, an orange grove in the alkali flats?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Chairman, there's millions of dollars in this broad land
+      waiting for the high tide of election day to come and float 'em down
+      to where you and I, Mr. Chairman, as well as other parched and patriotic
+      inebriates, can git a hold of 'em.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Gentlemen, we talk about stringency and shrinkage of values, and
+      all such funny business as that; but that's something I don't
+      know a blamed thing about. What I can grapple with is this: If our county
+      offices are worth $30,000, and there are other little after-claps and soft
+      snaps, and walk-overs, worth, say $10,000, and the boys, say, are willing
+      to do the fair thing, say, blow in fifteen per cent, to the central
+      committee, and what they feel like on the outside, then politics, instead
+      of a burden and a reproach, becomes a pleasing duty, a joyous occasion and
+      a picnic to those whose lives might otherwise be a dreary monotone.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Chairman, the past two years has wrecked four campaign saloons,
+      and a tinner who socked his wife's fortune into campaign torches is
+      now in a land where torchlights is no good. Overcome by a dull market, a
+      financial depression and a reserved central committee, he ate a package of
+      Rough on Rats, and passed up the flume. He is now at rest over yonder.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Such instances would be common if we encouraged the eccentric
+      economy of official cranks. It is an evil that is gnawing at the vitals of
+      the republic. We must squench it or get left. There are millions of
+      dollars in this country, Mr. Chairman, that, if we keep it out of the
+      campaign, will get into the hands of the working classes, and then you and
+      I, Mr. Chairman, and gentlemen of the convention, can starve to death.
+      Keep the campaign money away from the soulless hired man, gentlemen, or
+      good-bye John.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Mr. Chairman, excuse my emotion! It is almighty seldom that I make
+      a speech, but when I do, I strive to get there with both feet. We must
+      either work the campaign funds into their legitimate channels, or every
+      blamed patriot within the sound of my voice will have to fasten on a tin
+      bill and rustle for angle-worms amongst the hens. You hear me?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Terrific applause, during which the delicate odor of enthusiasm was
+      noticed on the breath of the entire delegation.}
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0189" id="link2H_4_0189"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      A Goat in a Frame.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Laramie has a seal brown goat, with iron gray chin whiskers and a breath
+      like new mown hay.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      He has not had as hard a winter as the majority of stock on the Rocky
+      mountains, because he is of a domestic turn of mind and tries to make man
+      his friend. Though social in his nature, he never intrudes himself on
+      people after they have intimated with a shotgun that they are weary of
+      him.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When the world seems cold and dark to him, and everybody turns coldly away
+      from him, he does not steal away by himself and die of corroding grief; he
+      just lies down on the sidewalk in the sun and fills the air with the
+      seductive fragrance of which he is the sole proprietor.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      One day, just as he had eaten his midday meal of boot heels and cold
+      sliced atmosphere and kerosene barrel staves, he saw a man going along the
+      street with a large looking glass under his arm.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The goat watched the man, and saw him set the mirror down by a gate and go
+      inside the house after some more things that he was moving. Then the goat
+      stammered with his tail a few times and went up to see if he could eat the
+      mirror.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      When he got pretty close to it, he saw a hungry-looking goat apparently
+      coming toward him, so he backed off a few yards and went for him. There
+      was a loud crash, and when the man came out he saw a full length portrait
+      of a goat with a heavy, black walnut frame around it, going down the
+      street with a great deal of apparent relish.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Then the man said something derogatory about the goat, and seemed offended
+      about something.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Goats are not timid in their nature and are easily domesticated.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      There are two kinds of goat&mdash;the cashmere goat and the plain goat.
+      The former is worked up into cashmere shawls and cashmere bouquet. The
+      latter is not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The cashmere bouquet of commerce is not made of the common goat. It is a
+      good thing that it is not.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      A goat that has always been treated with uniform kindness and never
+      betrayed, may be taught to eat out of the hand. Also out of the flour
+      barrel or the ice-cream freezer.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0190" id="link2H_4_0190"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      To a Married Man.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Adelbert G. Grimes writes as follows: &ldquo;I am a young man not yet
+      twenty-two years of age. I am said to be rather attractive in appearance
+      and a fluent conversationalist. Three years ago I very foolishly married
+      and settled on a tree claim in Dakota, where we have three children,
+      consisting of one pair of twins and an ordinary child, born by itself. We
+      are a considerable distance from town, and to remain at home during the
+      winter with no company besides my wife and children is very irksome,
+      especially as my wife has never had the advantages that I have in the way
+      of society. Her conversational powers are very inferior, and I cannot bear
+      to remain at home very much. So I go to town, where I can meet my equals
+      and enjoy myself.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I fear that this will lead to an estrangement, for, when I return
+      at night, my wife's nose is so red from sniveling all day that I can
+      hardly bear to look at her. If there is anything in this world that I
+      hate, it is a red-eyed, red-nosed woman who sheds tears on all occasions.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of course all this makes me irritable, and I say sharp things to
+      her, as I have a wonderful command of language at such times. She surely
+      cannot expect a young man twenty-two years old to stay at home day after
+      day and listen to squalling children, when he is still in the heyday of
+      life with joy beaming in his eye.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;Of course I do say things to my wife that I am afterward sorry for,
+      but I made a great mistake in marrying the woman I did, and although some
+      of my lady friends told me so at the time, I did not then believe it. Do
+      you think I ought to bury myself on a tree claim with a woman far my
+      inferior, while I have talents that would shine in the best of society? I
+      am greatly distressed, and would willingly seek a legal separation if I
+      knew how to go about it. Will you kindly advise me? What do you think of
+      my penmanship?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I hardly know how to advise you, Adelbert. You have got yourself into a
+      place where you cannot do much but remain and take your medicine.
+      Unfortunately, there are too many such young men as you are, Adelbert. You
+      are young, and handsome, and smart. You casually admit this in your
+      letter, I see. You have a social nature, and would shine in society. You
+      also reluctantly confess this. That does not help you in my estimation,
+      Adelbert. If you are a bright and shining light in society, you are
+      probably a brunette fizzle as a husband. When you resolved to take a tree
+      claim and make a home in Dakota, why didn't you put your
+      swallow-tail coat under the bed and retire from the giddy whirl and mad
+      rush of society, the way your wife had to?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I dislike very much to speak to you in a plain, blunt way, Adelbert, being
+      a total stranger to you, but when you convey the idea in your letter that
+      you have made a great mistake in marrying at the age of nineteen, and
+      marrying far beneath yourself, I am forced to agree with you. If, instead
+      of marrying a young girl who didn't know any better than to believe
+      that you were a man, instead of a fractional one, you had come to me, and
+      borrowed my revolver and blown out the fungus growth which you refer to as
+      your brains, you would have bit it. Even now it is not too late. You can
+      still come to me, and I will oblige you. You cannot do your wife a greater
+      favor at this time than to leave her a widow, and the sooner you do so the
+      less orphans there will be.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: &ldquo;I HAVE A WONDERFUL COMMAND OF LANGUAGE."}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0503}.jpg" alt="{0503}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0503}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      Did it ever occur to you, Adelbert, that your wife made a mistake also?
+      Did it ever bore itself through your adamantine skull that it is not an
+      unbroken round of gayety for a young girl to shut herself up in a lonesome
+      house for three years, gradually acquiring children, and meantime being
+      &ldquo;sassed&rdquo; by her husband because she is not a fluent
+      conversationalist?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wherein you offend me, Adelbert, is that you persist in breathing the air
+      which human beings and other domestic animals more worthy than yourself
+      are entitled to. There are too many such imitation men at large. There
+      should be a law that would prohibit your getting up and walking on your
+      hind legs and thus imposing on other mammals. If I could run the
+      government for a few weeks, Adelbert, I would compel your style of
+      zoological wonder to climb a tree and stay there.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So you married a woman who was far your inferior, did you? How did you do
+      it? Where did you go to find a woman who could be your inferior and still
+      keep out of the menagerie? Adelbert, I fear you do your wife a great
+      injustice. With just barely enough vitality to hand your name down to
+      posterity and blast the fair future of Dakota by leaving your trade-mark
+      on future generations, you snivel and whine over your blasted life! If
+      your life had been blasted a little harder twenty years ago, the life of
+      your miserable little wife would have been less blasted.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      If you had acquired a little more croup twenty years ago, Dakota would
+      have been ahead. Why did you go on year after year, permitting people to
+      believe you were a man, when you could have undeceived them in two minutes
+      by crawling into a hollow log and remaining there?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Your penmanship is very good. It is better than your chances for a bright
+      immortality beyond the grave. Write to me again whenever you feel lonesome
+      or want advice. I was a young married man myself once, and I know what
+      they have to endure. Up to the time of my marriage, I had never known a
+      harsher tone than a flute note; my early life ran quiet as the clear brook
+      by which I sported, and so on. I was a great belle in society, also. I
+      attended all the swell balls and parties in our county for years. Wherever
+      you found fair women and brave men tripping the light bombastic toe, you
+      would also find me. &ldquo;Sometimes I played second violin, and sometimes
+      I called off.&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0191" id="link2H_4_0191"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      To an Embryo Poet.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      The following correspondence is now given to the press for the first time,
+      with the consent of the parties:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Wm. Nye, Esq.&mdash;<i>Dear Sir</i>-I am a young man, 20 years of age,
+      with fair education and a strong desire to succeed. I have done some
+      writing for the press, having written up a very nice article on
+      progressive euchre, which was a great success and published in our home
+      paper, But it was not copied so much in other papers as I would like to
+      have saw it, and I take my pen in hand at this time to write and ask you
+      what there is in the article enclosed that prevents its being copied
+      abroad all over our broad land. I write just as I hope you would feel
+      perfectly free to write me at any time. I think that writers ought to aid
+      each other. Yours with kind regards,
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Algernon L. Tewey.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      P.O. Box 202.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have carefully read and pondered over the dissertation on progressive
+      euchre which you send me, Algernon, and I cannot see why it should not be
+      ravenously seized and copied by the press of the broad, wide land referred
+      to in your letters. If you have time, perhaps it would be well enough to
+      go to the leading journalists of our country and ask them what they mean
+      by it. You might write till your vertebrae fell out of your clothes on the
+      floor, and it would not do half so much good as a personal conference with
+      the editors of America. First prepare your article, then go personally to
+      the editors of the country and call them one by one out into the hall, in
+      a current of cold air, and explain the article to them. In that way you
+      will form pleasant acquaintances and get solid with our leading
+      journalists. You have no idea, Algernon, how lonely and desolate the life
+      of a practical journalist is. Your fresh young face and your fresh young
+      ways, and your charming grammatical improvisations, would delight an
+      editor who has nothing to do from year to year but attend to his business.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not try to win the editors of America by writing poems beginning:
+    </p>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+  Now the merry goatlet jumps,
+    And the trifling yaller dog,
+  With the tin can madly humps
+    Like an acrobatic frog.
+</pre>
+    <p>
+      At times you will be tempted to write such stuff as this, and mark it with
+      a large blue pencil and send it to the papers of the country, but that is
+      not a good way to do.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Seriously, Algernon, I would suggest that you make a bold dash for success
+      by writing things that other people are not writing, thinking things that
+      other people are not thinking, and saying things that other people are not
+      saying. You will say that this advice is easier to give than to take, and
+      I agree with you. But the tendency of the age is to wear the same style of
+      collar and coat and hat that every other man wears, and to talk and write
+      like other men; and to be frank with you, Algernon, I think it is an
+      infernal shame. If you will look carefully about you, you will see that
+      the preacher, who is talking mostly to dusty pew cushions, is also the
+      preacher who is thinking the thoughts of other men. He is &ldquo;up-ending&rdquo;
+      his barrel of sermons annually, and they were made in the first place from
+      the sermons of a man who also &ldquo;up-ended&rdquo; his barrel annually.
+      Go where the preacher is talking to full houses, and you will discover
+      that his sermons are full of humanity and originality. They are not
+      written in a library by a man with interchangeable ideas, an automatic
+      cog-wheel thinker, but they are prepared by a man who earnestly and
+      honestly studies the great, aching heart of humanity, and full of
+      sincerity, originality and old-fashioned Christianity, appeals to your
+      better impulses.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      How is it with our poetry? As a fellow-traveler and sea-sick tourist
+      across life's tempestuous tide, I ask you, Algernon, who is writing
+      the poetry that will live? Is it the man who is sawing out and
+      sandpapering stanzas of the same general dimensions as some other poet, in
+      which he bewails the fact that he loved a tall, well-behaved, accomplished
+      girl, sixteen hands high, who did not require his love?
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Ah, no! He is not the poet whose terra cotta statue will stand in the
+      cemetery, wearing a laurel wreath and a lumpy brow. Show me the poet who
+      is intimate with nature and who studies the little joys and sorrows of the
+      poor; who smells the clover and writes about live, healthy people with
+      ideas and appetites. He is my poet.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I apologize for speaking so earnestly, Algernon, but I saw by your letter
+      that you felt kindly toward me, and rather invited an expression of
+      opinion on my part. So I have written more freely, perhaps, than I
+      otherwise would. We are both writers. Measurably so, at least. You write
+      on progressive euchre, and I write on anything that I can get hold of. So
+      let us agree here and promise each other that, whatever we do, we will not
+      think through the thinker of another man.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The Great Ruler of the universe has made and placed upon the earth a good
+      many millions of men, but He never made any two of them exactly alike. We
+      may differ from every one of the countless millions who have preceded us,
+      and still be safe. Even you and I, Algernon, may agree in many matters,
+      and yet be very dissimilar. At least I hope so, and I presume you do also.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      <br /><br />
+    </p>
+    <hr />
+    <p>
+      <a name="link2H_4_0192" id="link2H_4_0192"> </a>
+    </p>
+    <div style="height: 4em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h2>
+      Eccentricities of Genius.
+    </h2>
+    <p>
+      Alfonso Quanturnernit Dowdell, Frumenti, Ohio, writes to know something of
+      the effects of alcohol on the brain of an adult, being evidently
+      apprehensive that some day he may become an adult himself He says:
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      &ldquo;I would be glad to know whether or not you think that liquor
+      stimulates the brain to do better literary work. I have been studying the
+      personal history of Edgar A. Poe, and learned through that medium that he
+      was in the habit of drinking a good deal of liquor at times. I also read
+      that George D. Prentice, who wrote 'The Closing Year,' and
+      other nice poems, was a hearty drinker. Will you tell me whether this is
+      all true or not, and also what the effect of alcohol is on the brain of an
+      adult?&rdquo;
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It is said on good authority that Edgar A. Poe ever and anon imbibed the
+      popular beverages of his day and age, some of which contained alcohol. We
+      are led to believe these statements because they remain as yet undenied.
+      But Poe did a great deal of good in that way, for he set an example that
+      has been followed ever since, more or less, by quite a number of poets'
+      apprentices who emulated Poe's great gift as a drinker. These men,
+      thinking that poesy and delirium tremens went hand in hand, became fluent
+      drunkards early in their career, so that finally, instead of issuing a
+      small blue volume of poems they punctuated a drunkard's grave.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      So we see that Poe did a great work aside from what he wrote. He opened up
+      a way for these men which eradicated them, and made life more desirable
+      for those who remained. He made it easy for those who thought genius and
+      inebriation were synonymous terms to get to the hospital early in the day,
+      while the overworked waste-basket might secure a few hours of much needed
+      rest.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      George D. Prentice has also done much toward weeding out a class of people
+      who otherwise might have become disagreeable. It is better that these men
+      who write under the influence of rum should fall into the hands of the
+      police as early as possible. The police can handle them better than the
+      editor can.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Do not try, Alfonso, to experiment in this way. Because Mr. Poe and Mr.
+      Prentice could write beautiful and witty things between drinks, do not, oh
+      do not imagine that you can begin that way and succeed at last.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The effect of alcohol on the brain of an adult is to congest it finally.
+      Alcohol will sometimes congest the brain of an adult under the most trying
+      and discouraging circumstances. I have frequently known it to scorch out
+      and paralyze the brain in cases where other experiments had not been
+      successful in showing the presence of a brain at all.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      {Illustration: THINKING ABOUT THE POEM.}
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0509}.jpg" alt="{0509}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0509}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <p>
+      That is the reason why some people love to fool with this great chemical.
+      It revives their suspicions regarding the presence of a brain.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The habits of literary men vary a good deal, for no two of them seem to
+      care to adopt the same plan.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I have taken the liberty of showing here my own laboratory and methods of
+      thought. This is from a drawing made by myself, and represents the writer
+      in his study and in the act of thinking about a poem.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      Last summer I wrote a large poem entitled, &ldquo;<i>Moanings of the
+      Moist, Malarious Sea.</i>&rdquo; I have it still. The back of it has a
+      memoranda on it in blue pencil from the leading editors of our broad land,
+      but otherwise it is just as I wrote it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      The engraving represents me in the act of thinking about the poem, and
+      what I will do with the money when I get it.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I am now preparing a poem entitled, &ldquo;<i>The Umbrella</i>.&rdquo; It
+      is a dainty little bit of verse, and my hired man thinks it is a gem. I
+      called it &ldquo;The Umbrella&rdquo; so that it would not be returned.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      By looking at the drawing you will see the rapid change of expression on
+      the face as the work goes on.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I give the drawing in order also, to show the rich furniture of the room.
+      All poets do not revel in such gaudy trappings as I do, but I cannot write
+      well in a bare and ill-furnished room. In these apartments there is also a
+      window which does not show in the engraving. I have tried over and over
+      again to write a poem in a room that had no window in it, but I cannot say
+      that I ever wrote one under such circumstances that I thought would live.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      You can do as you think best about furnishing your room as I have mine.
+      You might, of course, succeed as well by writing in a plainer apartment,
+      but I could not. All my poetical work that was done in the cramped and
+      plainly furnished room that I formerly occupied over Knadler's
+      livery stable, was ephemeral.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      It got into a few of the leading autograph albums of the country, but it
+      never got into the papers.
+    </p>
+    <p>
+      I would not use alcohol, however. Poe and Prentice could use it, but I
+      never could. After a long debauch, I could always work well enough on the
+      street but I could not do literary work.
+    </p>
+    <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
+      <img src="images/{0510}.jpg" alt="{0510}" width="100%" /><br />
+    </div>
+    <h5>
+      <a href="images/{0510}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
+    </h5>
+    <div style="height: 6em;">
+      <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+    </div>
+<pre xml:space="preserve">
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye
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+  </body>
+</html>
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author	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 05:31:13 -0700
committer	Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org>	2025-10-15 05:31:13 -0700
commit	233662e6d4a1ef9df5c62db1a49febf3ca088785 (patch)
tree	50783de2e80595fd53292cbcf1005593f8486f93 /8220-h