diff options
Diffstat (limited to '8220-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/8220-h.htm | 23762 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/enlarge.jpg | bin | 0 -> 789 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0001}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 107520 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0008}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 198198 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0009}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 51195 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0016}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 329617 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0021}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 173615 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0022}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 157917 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0023}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 158156 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0028}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 118291 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0031}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 110615 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0033}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 147388 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0035}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 113997 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0037}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 121553 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0038}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 168265 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0043}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 163235 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0058}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 70960 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0072}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 458990 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0083}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 154495 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0091}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 250504 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0092}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 167491 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0101}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 273806 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0113}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 134778 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0127}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 787885 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0148}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 73695 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0153}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 137453 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0192}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 126637 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0208}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 283089 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0230}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 108328 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0238}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 61482 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0246}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 679922 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0259}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 150149 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0267}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 184182 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0272}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 121877 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0294}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 103086 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0300}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 138189 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0331}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 467810 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0336}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 241201 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0346}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 195391 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0354}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 235039 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0359}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 186841 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0373}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 301624 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0388}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 80843 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0394}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 82473 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0403}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 226748 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0412}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 128355 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0416}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 235604 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0435}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 214603 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0440}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 141705 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0454}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 153800 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0469}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 107487 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0476}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 146917 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0491}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 38481 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0493}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 86340 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0503}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 427344 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0509}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 146484 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{0510}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 24069 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8047}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 135009 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8055}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 157363 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8063}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 168138 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8065}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 176761 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8067}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 151474 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8081}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 170128 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8097}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 180367 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8107}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 204711 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8117}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 41538 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8121}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 182276 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8141}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 198031 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8143}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 27326 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8147}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 114019 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8161}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 220019 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8169}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 217837 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8175}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 169189 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8187}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 301899 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8199}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 211980 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8203}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 140134 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8211}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 140014 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8217}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 154494 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8221}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 129125 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8233}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 138399 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8241}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 102404 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8245}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 142698 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8257}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 180869 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8263}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 106897 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8271}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 245744 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8275}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 107733 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8291}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 166204 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8299}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 238652 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8305}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 121788 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8311}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 182415 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8341}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 87700 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8349}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 92995 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8361}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 70948 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8367}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 187704 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8379}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 135224 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8387}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 206210 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8407}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 63646 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8408}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 113414 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8425}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 110602 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8447}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 332364 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8457}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 97024 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8467}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 91959 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{8487}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 123397 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9039}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 67810 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9048}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 79499 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9050}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 137447 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9060}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 82107 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9064}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 167853 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9077}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 31855 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9078}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 163470 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9082}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 99611 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9087}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 158434 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9090}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 30270 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9094}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 130398 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9118}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 70923 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9123}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 67096 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9131}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 46805 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9132}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 85308 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9134}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 42242 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9136}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 145004 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9158}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 199548 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9167}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 108972 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9174}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 57125 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9181}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 80478 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9182}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 144022 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9194}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 132092 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9200}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 230820 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9216}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 74658 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9224}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 245059 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9248}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 44856 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9251}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 173242 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9254}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 216593 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9258}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 81020 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9264}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 83835 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9280}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 123023 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9286}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 234089 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9304}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 223140 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9318}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 214634 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9324}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 167697 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9327}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 135613 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9330}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 32911 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9380}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 196659 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9381}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 231355 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9398}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 105034 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9408}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 46156 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9446}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 45799 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9463}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 123578 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9468}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 79379 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9472}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 243495 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9480}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 103753 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9486}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 153217 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9488}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 122317 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 8220-h/images/{9497}.jpg | bin | 0 -> 97574 bytes |
153 files changed, 23762 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/8220-h/8220-h.htm b/8220-h/8220-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af96d8c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/8220-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,23762 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> + <title> + Remarks, by Bill Nye. + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: right; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; margin-left: 0.8em; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Remarks + +Author: Bill Nye + + +Release Date: June, 2005 [EBook #8220] +This file was first posted on July 3, 2003 +Last Updated: March 13, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REMARKS *** + + + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + +Illustrated HTML file produced by David Widger + + + + +</pre> + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + REMARKS + </h1> + <h2> + By BILL NYE <br />(Edgar W. Nye) + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Ah Sin was his name; + And I shall not deny, + In regard to the same, + What the name might imply: + But his smile it was pensive and childlike, + As I frequent remarked to Bill Nye. + —Bret Harte. + </pre> + <h5> + With over one hundred and fifty illustrations,<br /> by J.H. SMITH. + </h5> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + {Cover} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0001}.jpg" alt="{0001}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0001}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + {Bill Nye} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0008}.jpg" alt="{0008}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0008}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0009}.jpg" alt="{0009}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0009}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0016}.jpg" alt="{0016}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0016}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DIRECTIONS. + </h2> + <p> + This book is not designed specially for any one class of people. It is for + all. It is a universal repository of thought. Some of my best thoughts are + contained in this book. Whenever I would think a thought that I thought + had better remain unthought, I would omit it from this book. For that + reason the book is not so large as I had intended. When a man coldly and + dispassionately goes at it to eradicate from his work all that may not + come up to his standard of merit, he can make a large volume shrink till + it is no thicker than the bank book of an outspoken clergyman. + </p> + <p> + This is the fourth book that I have published in response to the clamorous + appeals of the public. Whenever the public got to clamoring too loudly for + a new book from me and it got so noisy that I could not ignore it any + more, I would issue another volume. The first was a red book, succeeded by + a dark blue volume, after which I published a green book, all of which + were kindly received by the American people, and, under the present + yielding system of international copyright, greedily snapped up by some of + the tottering dynasties. + </p> + <p> + But I had long hoped to publish a larger, better and, if possible, a + redder book than the first; one that would contain my better thoughts, + thoughts that I had thought when I was feeling well; thoughts that I had + emitted while my thinker was rearing up on its hind feet, if I may be + allowed that term; thoughts that sprang forth with a wild whoop and + demanded recognition. + </p> + <p> + This book is the result of that hope and that wish. It is my greatest and + best book. It is the one that will live for weeks after other books have + passed away. Even to those who cannot read, it will come like a benison + when there is no benison in the house. To the ignorant, the pictures will + be pleasing. The wise will revel in its wisdom, and the housekeeper will + find that with it she may easily emphasize a statement or kill a + cockroach. + </p> + <p> + The range of subjects treated in this book is wonderful, even to me. It is + a library of universal knowledge, and the facts contained in it are + different from any other facts now in use. I have carefully guarded, all + the way through, against using hackneyed and moth-eaten facts. As a + result, I am able to come before the people with a set of new and + attractive statements, so fresh and so crisp that an unkind word would + wither them in a moment. + </p> + <p> + I believe there is nothing more to add, except that I most heartily + endorse the book. It has been carefully read over by the proof-reader and + myself, so we do not ask the public to do anything that we were not + willing to do ourselves. + </p> + <p> + I cannot be responsible for the board of orphans whose parents read this + book and leave their children in destitute circumstances. + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> DIRECTIONS. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_TOC"> ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> My School Days. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> Recollections of Noah Webster. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> To Her Majesty. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Habits of a Literary Man. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A Father's Letter. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> Archimedes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0008"> To the President-Elect. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> Anatomy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Mr. Sweeney's Cat. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> The Heyday of Life. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> They Fell. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> Second Letter to the President. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> Milling in Pompeii. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> Broncho Sam. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> How Evolution Evolves. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Hours With Great Men. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Concerning Coroners. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Down East Rum. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Railway Etiquette. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> B. Franklin, Deceased. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> Life Insurance as a Health Restorer. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> The Opium Habit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> More Paternal Correspondence. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> Twombley's Tale. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> On Cyclones. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> The Arabian Language. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Verona. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> A Great Upheaval. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> The Weeping Woman. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> The Crops. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> Literary Freaks. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> A Father's Advice to His Son. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Eccentricity in Lunch. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Insomnia in Domestic Animals. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> Along Lake Superior. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> I Tried Milling. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> Our Forefathers. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> In Acknowledgement. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Preventing a Scandal. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> About Portraits. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> The Old South. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Knights of the Pen. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Wild Cow. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> Spinal Meningitis. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> Skimming the Milky Way. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A Thrilling Experience. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Catching a Buffalo. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> John Adams. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> The Wail Of A Wife. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> Bunker Hill. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A Lumber Camp. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> My Lecture Abroad. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> The Miner at Home. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> An Operatic Entertainment. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Dogs and Dog Days. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Christopher Columbus. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Accepting the Laramie Postoffice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> A Journalistic Tenderfoot. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> The Amateur Carpenter. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> The Average Hen. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> Woodtick William's Story. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> In Washington. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> My Experience as an Agriculturist. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A New Autograph Album. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> A Resign. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> My Mine. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> Mush and Melody. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> The Blase Young Man. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> History of Babylon. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> Lovely Horrors. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> The Bite of a Mad Dog. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> Arnold Winkelreid. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Murray and the Mormons. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> About Geology. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Wallula Night. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Flying Machines. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> Asking for a Pass. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Words About Washington. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> The Board of Trade. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0081"> The Cow-Boy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> Stirring Incidents at a Fire. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> The Little Barefoot Boy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Favored a Higher Fine. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0085"> “I Spy.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0086"> Mark Anthony. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> Man Overbored. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0088"> “Done It A-Purpose.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Picnic Incidents. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Nero. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> Squaw Jim. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Squaw Jim's Religion. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> One Kind of Fool. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> John Adams' Diary. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> John Adams' Diary. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> John Adams' Diary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0097"> “Heap Brain.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> The Approaching Humorist. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> What We Eat. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> Care of House Plants. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> A Peaceable Man. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> Biography of Spartacus. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> Concerning Book Publishing. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> A Calm. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> The Story of a Struggler. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> The Old Subscriber. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> My Dog. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> A Picturesque Picnic. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> Taxidermy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> The Ways of Doctors. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> Absent Minded. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> Woman's Wonderful Influence. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0113"> Causes for Thanksgiving. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0114"> Farming in Maine. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0115"> Doosedly Dilatory. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0116"> Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0117"> Sixty Minutes in America. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0118"> Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0119"> Somnambulism and Crime. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0120"> Modern Architecture. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0121"> Letter to a Communist. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0122"> The Warrior's Oration. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0123"> The Holy Terror. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0124"> Boston Common and Environs. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0125"> Drunk in a Plug Hat. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0126"> Spring. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0127"> The Duke of Rawhide. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0128"> Etiquette at Hotels. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0129"> Fifteen Years Apart. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0130"> Dessicated Mule. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0131"> Time's Changes. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0132"> Letter From New York. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0133"> Crowns and Crowned Heads. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0134"> My Physician. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0135"> All About Oratory. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0136"> Strabusmus and Justice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0137"> A Spencerian Ass. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0138"> Anecdotes of Justice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0139"> The Chinese God. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0140"> A Great Spiritualist. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0141"> General Sheridan's Horse. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0142"> A Circular. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0143"> The Photograph Habit. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0144"> Rosalinde. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0145"> The Church Debt. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0146"> A Collection of Keys. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0147"> Extracts from a Queen's Diary. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0148"> Shorts. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0149"> “We.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0150"> A Mountain Snowstorm. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0151"> Lost Money. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0152"> Dr. Dizart's Dog. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0153"> Chinese Justice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0154"> Answers to Correspondents. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0155"> Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0157"> A Convention. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0158"> Come Back. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0159"> A New Play. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0160"> The Silver Dollar. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0161"> Polygamy as a Religious Duty. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0162"> The Newspaper. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0163"> Wrestling with the Mazy. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0164"> Anecdotes of the Stage. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0165"> George the Third. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0166"> The Cell Nest. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0167"> Parental Advice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0168"> Early Day Justice.{2} </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0169"> The Indian Orator. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0170"> You Heah Me, Sah! </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0171"> Plato. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0172"> The Expensive Word. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0173"> Petticoats at the Polls. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0174"> The Sedentary Hen. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0175"> A Bright Future for Pugilism. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0176"> The Snake Indian. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0177"> Roller Skating. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0178"> No More Frontier. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0179"> A Letter of Regrets. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0180"> Venice. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0181"> She Kind of Coaxed Him. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0182"> Answering an Invitation. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0183"> Street Cars and Curiosities. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0184"> The Poor Blind Pig. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0185"> Daniel Webster. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0186"> Two Ways of Telling It. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0187"> All About Menials. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0188"> A Powerful Speech. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0189"> A Goat in a Frame. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0190"> To a Married Man. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0191"> To an Embryo Poet. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0192"> Eccentricities of Genius. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_TOC" id="link2H_TOC"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <b>ALPHABETIZED CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0075"> About Geology </a> + </p> + <p> + About Geology <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0041"> About Portraits </a> + </p> + <p> + About Portraits <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0175"> A Bright Future for Pugilism </a> + </p> + <p> + A Bright Future for Pugilism <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0111"> Absent Minded </a> + </p> + <p> + Absent Minded <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0104"> A Calm </a> + </p> + <p> + A Calm <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> Accepting the Laramie Postoffice </a> + </p> + <p> + Accepting the Laramie Postoffice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0142"> A Circular </a> + </p> + <p> + A Circular <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0146"> A Collection of Keys </a> + </p> + <p> + A Collection of Keys <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0157"> A Convention </a> + </p> + <p> + A Convention <br /> A Father's Advice to his Son <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> A Father's Letter </a> + </p> + <p> + A Father's Letter <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0189"> A Goat in a Frame </a> + </p> + <p> + A Goat in a Frame <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0140"> A Great Spiritualist </a> + </p> + <p> + A Great Spiritualist <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> A Great Upheaval </a> + </p> + <p> + A Great Upheaval <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> A Journalistic Tenderfoot </a> + </p> + <p> + A Journalistic Tenderfoot <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0179"> A Letter of Regrets </a> + </p> + <p> + A Letter of Regrets <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0187"> All About Menials </a> + </p> + <p> + All About Menials <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0135"> All About Oratory </a> + </p> + <p> + All About Oratory <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> Along Lake Superior </a> + </p> + <p> + Along Lake Superior <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> A Lumber Camp </a> + </p> + <p> + A Lumber Camp <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0150"> A Mountain Snowstorm </a> + </p> + <p> + A Mountain Snowstorm <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> Anatomy </a> + </p> + <p> + Anatomy <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0138"> Anecdotes of Justice </a> + </p> + <p> + Anecdotes of Justice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0164"> Anecdotes of the Stage </a> + </p> + <p> + Anecdotes of the Stage <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> A New Autograph Album </a> + </p> + <p> + A New Autograph Album <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0159"> A New Play </a> + </p> + <p> + A New Play <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> An Operatic Entertainment </a> + </p> + <p> + An Operatic Entertainment <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0182"> Answering an Invitation </a> + </p> + <p> + Answering an Invitation <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0154"> Answers to Correspondents </a> + </p> + <p> + Answers to Correspondents <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0101"> A Peaceable Man </a> + </p> + <p> + A Peaceable Man <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0108"> A Picturesque Picnic </a> + </p> + <p> + A Picturesque Picnic <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0188"> A Powerful Speech </a> + </p> + <p> + A Powerful Speech <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> Archimedes </a> + </p> + <p> + Archimedes <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0066"> A Resign </a> + </p> + <p> + A Resign <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0073"> Arnold Winkelreid </a> + </p> + <p> + Arnold Winkelreid <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0078"> Asking for a Pass </a> + </p> + <p> + Asking for a Pass <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0137"> A Spencerian Ass </a> + </p> + <p> + A Spencerian Ass <br /> Astronomy <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> A Thrilling Experience </a> + </p> + <p> + A Thrilling Experience <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0076"> A Wallula Night </a> + </p> + <p> + A Wallula Night <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> B. Franklin, Deceased </a> + </p> + <p> + B. Franklin, Deceased <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0102"> Biography of Spartacus </a> + </p> + <p> + Biography of Spartacus <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0124"> Boston Common and Environs </a> + </p> + <p> + Boston Common and Environs <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> Broncho Sam </a> + </p> + <p> + Broncho Sam <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> Bunker Hill </a> + </p> + <p> + Bunker Hill <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0100"> Care of House Plants </a> + </p> + <p> + Care of House Plants <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> Catching a Buffalo </a> + </p> + <p> + Catching a Buffalo <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0113"> Causes for Thanksgiving </a> + </p> + <p> + Causes for Thanksgiving <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0153"> Chinese Justice </a> + </p> + <p> + Chinese Justice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0057"> Christopher Columbus </a> + </p> + <p> + Christopher Columbus <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0158"> Come Back </a> + </p> + <p> + Come Back <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0103"> Concerning Book Publishing </a> + </p> + <p> + Concerning Book Publishing <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> Concerning Coroners </a> + </p> + <p> + Concerning Coroners <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0133"> Crowns and Crowned Heads </a> + </p> + <p> + Crowns and Crowned Heads <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0185"> Daniel Webster </a> + </p> + <p> + Daniel Webster <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0130"> Dessicated Mule </a> + </p> + <p> + Dessicated Mule <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> Dogs and Dog Days </a> + </p> + <p> + Dogs and Dog Days <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0115"> Doosedly Dilatory </a> + </p> + <p> + Doosedly Dilatory <br /> “Done It A-Purpose” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0019"> Down East Rum </a> + </p> + <p> + Down East Rum <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0152"> Dr. Dizart's Dog </a> + </p> + <p> + Dr. Dizart's Dog <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0125"> Drunk in a Plug Hat </a> + </p> + <p> + Drunk in a Plug Hat <br /> Early Day Justice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0192"> Eccentricities of Genius </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> Eccentricity in Lunch </a> + </p> + <p> + Eccentricity in Lunch <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0128"> Etiquette at Hotels </a> + </p> + <p> + Etiquette at Hotels <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0116"> Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger </a> + </p> + <p> + Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0147"> Extracts from a Queen's Diary </a> + </p> + <p> + Extracts from a Queen's Diary <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0114"> Farming in Maine </a> + </p> + <p> + Farming in Maine <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0084"> Favored a Higher Fine </a> + </p> + <p> + Favored a Higher Fine <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0129"> Fifteen Years Apart </a> + </p> + <p> + Fifteen Years Apart <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0077"> Flying Machines </a> + </p> + <p> + Flying Machines <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0141"> General Sheridan's Horse </a> + </p> + <p> + General Sheridan's Horse <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0165"> George the Third </a> + </p> + <p> + George the Third <br /> Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-Brac <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0005"> Habits of a Literary Man </a> + </p> + <p> + Habits of a Literary Man <br /> “Heap Brain” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> History of Babylon </a> + </p> + <p> + History of Babylon <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> Hours With Great Men </a> + </p> + <p> + Hours With Great Men <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0016"> How Evolution Evolves </a> + </p> + <p> + How Evolution Evolves <br /> In Acknowledgment <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0035"> Insomnia in Domestic Animals </a> + </p> + <p> + Insomnia in Domestic Animals <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0063"> In Washington </a> + </p> + <p> + In Washington <br /> “I Spy” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> I Tried Milling </a> + </p> + <p> + I Tried Milling <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> John Adams </a> + </p> + <p> + John Adams <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0094"> John Adams' Diary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0095"> John Adams' Diary </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0096"> John Adams' Diary </a> + </p> + <p> + John Adams' Diary <br /> John Adams' Diary, (No. 2.) <br /> John + Adams' Diary, (No. 3.) <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> Knights of the Pen </a> + </p> + <p> + Knights of the Pen <br /> Letter from New York <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0121"> Letter to a Communist </a> + </p> + <p> + Letter to a Communist <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> Life Insurance as a Health Restorer </a> + </p> + <p> + Life Insurance as a Health Restorer <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> Literary Freaks </a> + </p> + <p> + Literary Freaks <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0151"> Lost Money </a> + </p> + <p> + Lost Money <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> Lovely Horrors </a> + </p> + <p> + Lovely Horrors <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0087"> Man Overbored </a> + </p> + <p> + Man Overbored <br /> Mark Antony <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> Milling in Pompeii </a> + </p> + <p> + Milling in Pompeii <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0120"> Modern Architecture </a> + </p> + <p> + Modern Architecture <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> More Paternal Correspondence </a> + </p> + <p> + More Paternal Correspondence <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> Mr. Sweeney's Cat </a> + </p> + <p> + Mr. Sweeney's Cat <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0074"> Murray and the Mormons </a> + </p> + <p> + Murray and the Mormons <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> Mush and Melody </a> + </p> + <p> + Mush and Melody <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0107"> My Dog </a> + </p> + <p> + My Dog <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> My Experience as an Agriculturist </a> + </p> + <p> + My Experience as an Agriculturist <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0053"> My Lecture Abroad </a> + </p> + <p> + My Lecture Abroad <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> My Mine </a> + </p> + <p> + My Mine <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0134"> My Physician </a> + </p> + <p> + My Physician <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> My School Days </a> + </p> + <p> + My School Days <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0090"> Nero </a> + </p> + <p> + Nero <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0178"> No More Frontier </a> + </p> + <p> + No More Frontier <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0026"> On Cyclones </a> + </p> + <p> + On Cyclones <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0093"> One Kind of Fool </a> + </p> + <p> + One Kind of Fool <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0038"> Our Forefathers </a> + </p> + <p> + Our Forefathers <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0167"> Parental Advice </a> + </p> + <p> + Parental Advice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0173"> Petticoats at the Polls </a> + </p> + <p> + Petticoats at the Polls <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0089"> Picnic Incidents </a> + </p> + <p> + Picnic Incidents <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0171"> Plato </a> + </p> + <p> + Plato <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0161"> Polygamy as a Religious Duty </a> + </p> + <p> + Polygamy as a Religious Duty <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> Preventing a Scandal </a> + </p> + <p> + Preventing a Scandal <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> Railway Etiquette </a> + </p> + <p> + Railway Etiquette <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> Recollections of Noah Webster </a> + </p> + <p> + Recollections of Noah Webster <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0118"> Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss </a> + </p> + <p> + Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0177"> Roller Skating </a> + </p> + <p> + Roller Skating <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0144"> Rosalinde </a> + </p> + <p> + Rosalinde <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> Second Letter to the President </a> + </p> + <p> + Second Letter to the President <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0181"> She Kind of Coaxed Him </a> + </p> + <p> + She Kind of Coaxed Him <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0148"> Shorts </a> + </p> + <p> + Shorts <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0117"> Sixty Minutes in America </a> + </p> + <p> + Sixty Minutes in America <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0046"> Skimming the Milky Way </a> + </p> + <p> + Skimming the Milky Way <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0119"> Somnambulism and Crime </a> + </p> + <p> + Somnambulism and Crime <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> Spinal Meningitis </a> + </p> + <p> + Spinal Meningitis <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0126"> Spring </a> + </p> + <p> + Spring <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0091"> Squaw Jim </a> + </p> + <p> + Squaw Jim <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0092"> Squaw Jim's Religion </a> + </p> + <p> + Squaw Jim's Religion <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0082"> Stirring Incidents at a Fire </a> + </p> + <p> + Stirring Incidents at a Fire <br /> Strabismus and Justice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0183"> Street Cars and Curiosities </a> + </p> + <p> + Street Cars and Curiosities <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0109"> Taxidermy </a> + </p> + <p> + Taxidermy <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> The Amateur Carpenter </a> + </p> + <p> + The Amateur Carpenter <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0098"> The Approaching Humorist </a> + </p> + <p> + The Approaching Humorist <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> The Arabian Language </a> + </p> + <p> + The Arabian Language <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> The Average Hen </a> + </p> + <p> + The Average Hen <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> The Bite of a Mad Dog </a> + </p> + <p> + The Bite of a Mad Dog <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> The Blase Young Man </a> + </p> + <p> + The Blase Young Man <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0080"> The Board of Trade </a> + </p> + <p> + The Board of Trade <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0166"> The Cell Nest </a> + </p> + <p> + The Cell Nest <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0139"> The Chinese God </a> + </p> + <p> + The Chinese God <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0145"> The Church Debt </a> + </p> + <p> + The Church Debt <br /> The Cow Boy <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0031"> The Crops </a> + </p> + <p> + The Crops <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0127"> The Duke of Rawhide </a> + </p> + <p> + The Duke of Rawhide <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0172"> The Expensive Word </a> + </p> + <p> + The Expensive Word <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> The Heyday of Life </a> + </p> + <p> + The Heyday of Life <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0123"> The Holy Terror </a> + </p> + <p> + The Holy Terror <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0169"> The Indian Orator </a> + </p> + <p> + The Indian Orator <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0083"> The Little Barefoot Boy </a> + </p> + <p> + The Little Barefoot Boy <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> The Miner at Home </a> + </p> + <p> + The Miner at Home <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0162"> The Newspaper </a> + </p> + <p> + The Newspaper <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> The Old South </a> + </p> + <p> + The Old South <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0106"> The Old Subscriber </a> + </p> + <p> + The Old Subscriber <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> The Opium Habit </a> + </p> + <p> + The Opium Habit <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0143"> The Photograph Habit </a> + </p> + <p> + The Photograph Habit <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0184"> The Poor Blind Pig </a> + </p> + <p> + The Poor Blind Pig <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0174"> The Sedentary Hen </a> + </p> + <p> + The Sedentary Hen <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0160"> The Silver Dollar </a> + </p> + <p> + The Silver Dollar <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0176"> The Snake Indian </a> + </p> + <p> + The Snake Indian <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0105"> The Story of a Struggler </a> + </p> + <p> + The Story of a Struggler <br /> The Wail of a Wife <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0122"> The Warrior's Oration </a> + </p> + <p> + The Warrior's Oration <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0110"> The Ways of Doctors </a> + </p> + <p> + The Ways of Doctors <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> The Weeping Woman </a> + </p> + <p> + The Weeping Woman <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> The Wild Cow </a> + </p> + <p> + The Wild Cow <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0012"> They Fell </a> + </p> + <p> + They Fell <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0131"> Time's Changes </a> + </p> + <p> + Time's Changes <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0190"> To a Married Man </a> + </p> + <p> + To a Married Man <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0191"> To an Embryo Poet </a> + </p> + <p> + To an Embryo Poet <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> To Her Majesty </a> + </p> + <p> + To Her Majesty <br /> To The President-Elect <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> Twombley's Tale </a> + </p> + <p> + Twombley's Tale <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0186"> Two Ways of Telling It </a> + </p> + <p> + Two Ways of Telling It <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0180"> Venice </a> + </p> + <p> + Venice <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> Verona </a> + </p> + <p> + Verona <br /> “We” <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0099"> What We Eat </a> + </p> + <p> + What We Eat <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0112"> Woman's Wonderful Influence </a> + </p> + <p> + Woman's Wonderful Influence <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> Woodtick William's Story </a> + </p> + <p> + Woodtick William's Story <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0079"> Words About Washington </a> + </p> + <p> + Words About Washington <br /> Wrestling With the Mazy <br /> “You Heah + Me, Sah!” <br /> {Illustration: WE WERE NOT ON TERMS OF INTIMACY.} + <br /> <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My School Days. + </h2> + <p> + Looking over my own school days, there are so many things that I would + rather not tell, that it will take very little time and space for me to + use in telling what I am willing that the carping public should know about + my early history. + </p> + <p> + I began my educational career in a log school house. Finding that other + great men had done that way, I began early to look around me for a log + school house where I could begin in a small way to soak my system full of + hard words and information. + </p> + <p> + For a time I learned very rapidly. Learning came to me with very little + effort at first. I would read my lesson over once or twice and then take + my place in the class. It never bothered me to recite my lesson and so I + stood at the head of the class. I could stick my big toe through a + knot-hole in the floor and work out the most difficult problem. This + became at last a habit with me. With my knot-hole I was safe, without it I + would hesitate. + </p> + <p> + A large red-headed boy, with feet like a summer squash and eyes like those + of a dead codfish, was my rival. He soon discovered that I was very + dependent on that knot-hole, and so one night he stole into the school + house and plugged up the knot-hole, so that I could not work my toe into + it and thus refresh my memory. + </p> + <p> + Then the large red-headed boy, who had not formed the knot-hole habit went + to the head of the class and remained there. + </p> + <p> + After I grew larger, my parents sent me to a military school. That is + where I got the fine military learning and stately carriage that I still + wear. + </p> + <p> + My room was on the second floor, and it was very difficult for me to leave + it at night, because the turnkey locked us up at 9 o'clock every + evening. Still, I used to get out once in a while and wander around in the + starlight. I did not know yet why I did it, but I presume it was a kind of + somnambulism. I would go to bed thinking so intently of my lessons that I + would get up and wander away, sometimes for miles, in the solemn night. + </p> + <p> + One night I awoke and found myself in a watermelon patch. I was never so + ashamed in my life. It is a very serious thing to be awakened so rudely + out of a sound sleep, by a bull dog, to find yourself in the watermelon + vineyard of a man with whom you are not acquainted. I was not on terms of + social intimacy with this man or his dog. They did not belong to our set. + We had never been thrown together before. + </p> + <p> + After that I was called the great somnambulist and men who had watermelon + conservatories shunned me. But it cured me of my somnambulism. I have + never tried to somnambule any more since that time. + </p> + <p> + There are other little incidents of my schooldays that come trooping up in + my memory at this moment, but they were not startling in their nature. + Mine is but the history of one who struggled on year after year, trying to + do better, but most always failing to connect. The boys of Boston would do + well to study carefully my record and then—do differently. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Recollections of Noah Webster. + </h2> + <p> + Mr. Webster, no doubt, had the best command of language of any American + author prior to our day. Those who have read his ponderous but rather + disconnected romance known as “Websters Unabridged Dictionary, or + How One Word Led on to Another.” will agree with me that he was + smart. Noah never lacked for a word by which to express himself. He was a + brainy man and a good speller. + </p> + <p> + It would ill become me at this late day to criticise Mr. Webster's + great work—a work that is now in almost every library, school-room + and counting house in the land. It is a great book. I do believe that had + Mr. Webster lived he would have been equally fair in his criticism of my + books. + </p> + <p> + I hate to compare my own works with those of Mr. Webster, because it may + seem egotistical in me to point out the good points in my literary labors; + but I have often heard it said, and so do not state it solely upon my own + responsibility, that Mr. Webster's book does not retain the interest + of the reader all the way through. + </p> + <p> + He has tried to introduce too many characters, and so we cannot follow + them all the way through. It is a good book to pick up and while away an + idle hour with, perhaps, but no one would cling to it at night till the + fire went out, chained to the thrilling plot and the glowing career of its + hero. + </p> + <p> + Therein consists the great difference between Mr. Webster and myself. A + friend of mine at Sing Sing once wrote me that from the moment he got hold + of my book, he never left his room till he finished it. He seemed chained + to the spot, he said, and if you can't believe a convict, who is + entirely out of politics, who in the name of George Washington can you + believe? + </p> + <p> + Mr. Webster was most assuredly a brilliant writer, and I have discovered + in his later editions 118,000 words, no two of which are alike. This shows + great fluency and versatility, it is true, but we need something else. The + reader waits in vain to be thrilled by the author's wonderful word + painting. There is not a thrill in the whole tome. I had heard so much of + Mr. Webster that when I read his book I confess I was disappointed. It is + cold, methodical and dispassionate in the extreme. + </p> + <p> + As I said, however, it is a good book to pick up for the purpose of + whiling away an idle moment, and no one should start out on a long journey + without Mr. Webster's tale in his pocket. It has broken the monotony + of many a tedious trip for me. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Webster's “Speller” was a work of less pretentions, + perhaps, and yet it had an immense sale. Eight years ago this book had + reached a sale of 40,000,000, and yet it had the same grave defect. It was + disconnected, cold, prosy and dull. I read it for years, and at last + became a close student of Mr. Webster's style, yet I never found but + one thing in this book, for which there seems to have been such a perfect + stampede, that was even ordinarily interesting, and that was a little gem. + It was so thrilling in its details, and so diametrically different from + Mr. Webster's style, that I have often wondered who he got to write + it for him. It related to the discovery of a boy by an elderly gentleman, + in the crotch of an ancestral apple tree, and the feeling of bitterness + and animosity that sprung up at the time between the boy and the elderly + gentleman. + </p> + <p> + Though I have been a close student of Mr. Webster for years, I am free to + say, and I do not wish to do an injustice to a great man in doing so, that + his ideas of literature and my own are entirely dissimilar. Possibly his + book has had a little larger sale than mine, but that makes no difference. + When I write a book it must engage the interest of the reader, and show + some plot to it. It must not be jerky in its style and scattering in its + statements. + </p> + <p> + I know it is a great temptation to write a book that will sell, but we + should have a higher object than that. + </p> + <p> + I do not wish to do an injustice to a man who has done so much for the + world, and one who could spell the longest word without hesitation, but I + speak of these things just as I would expect people to criticise my work. + If we aspire to monkey with the literati of our day we must expect to be + criticised. That's the way I look at it. + </p> + <p> + P.S.—I might also state that Noah Webster was a member of the + Legislature of Massachusetts at one time, and though I ought not to throw + it up to him at this date, I think it is nothing more than right that the + public should know the truth. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + To Her Majesty. + </h2> + <p> + To Queen Victoria, Regina Dei Gracia and acting mother-in-law on the side: + </p> + <p> + Dear Madame.—Your most gracious majesty will no doubt be surprised + to hear from me after my long silence. One reason that I have not written + for some time is that I had hoped to see you ere this, and not because I + had grown cold. I desire to congratulate you at this time upon your great + success as a mother-in-law, and your very exemplary career socially. As a + queen you have given universal satisfaction, and your family have married + well. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: ADVERTISING THE ENTERPRISE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0021}.jpg" alt="{0021}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0021}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + But I desired more especially to write you in relation to another matter. + We are struggling here in America to establish an authors' + international copyright arrangement, whereby the authors of all civilized + nations may be protected in their rights to the profits of their literary + labor, and the movement so far has met with generous encouragement. As an + author we desire your aid and endorsement. Could you assist us? We are + giving this season a series of authors' readings in New York to aid + in prosecuting the work, and we would like to know whether we could not + depend upon you to take a part in these readings, rendering selections + from your late work. + </p> + <p> + I assure your most gracious majesty that you would meet some of our best + literary people while here, and no pains would be spared to make your + visit a pleasant one, aside from the reading itself. We would advertise + your appearance extensively and get out a first-class audience on the + occasion of your debut here. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: QUEEN VIC. READING.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0022}.jpg" alt="{0022}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0022}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + An effort would be made to provide passes for yourself, and reduced rates, + I think, could be secured for yourself and suite at the hotels. Of course + you could do as you thought best about bringing suite, however. Some of us + travel with our suites and some do not. I generally leave my suite at + home, myself. + </p> + <p> + You would not need to make any special change as to costume for the + occasion. We try to make it informal, so far as possible, and though some + of us wear full dress we do not make that obligatory on those who take a + part in the exercises. If you decide to wear your every-day reigning + clothes it will not excite comment on the part of our literati. We do not + judge an author or authoress by his or her clothes. + </p> + <p> + You will readily see that this will afford you an opportunity to appear + before some of the best people of New York, and at the same time you will + aid in a deserving enterprise. + </p> + <p> + It will also promote the sale of your book. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps you have all the royalty you want aside from what you may receive + from the sale of your works, but every author feels a pardonable pride in + getting his books into every household. + </p> + <p> + I would assure your most gracious majesty that your reception here as an + authoress will in no way suffer because you are an unnaturalized + foreigner. Any alien who feels a fraternal interest in the international + advancement of thought and the universal encouragement of the good, the + true and the beautiful in literature, will be welcome on these shores. + </p> + <p> + This is a broad land, and we aim to be a broad and cosmopolitan people. + Literature and free, willing genius are not hemmed in by State or national + linos. They sprout up and blossom under tropical skies no less than + beneath the frigid aurora borealis of the frozen North. We hail true merit + just as heartily and uproariously on a throne as we would anywhere else. + In fact, it is more deserving, if possible, for one who has never tried it + little knows how difficult it is to sit on a hard throne all day and write + well. We are to recognize struggling genius wherever it may crop out. It + is no small matter for an almost unknown monarch to reign all day and then + write an article for the press or a chapter for a serial story, only, + perhaps, to have it returned by the publishers. All these things are + drawbacks to a literary life, that we here in America know little of. + </p> + <p> + I hope your most gracious majesty will decide to come, and that you will + pardon this long letter. It will do you good to get out this way for a few + weeks, and I earnestly hope that you will decide to lock up the house and + come prepared to make quite a visit. We have some real good authors here + now in America, and we are not ashamed to show them to any one. They are + not only smart, but they are well behaved and know how to appear in + company. We generally read selections from our own works, and can have a + brass band to play between the selections, if thought best. For myself, I + prefer to have a full brass band accompany me while I read. The audience + also approves of this plan. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE ACCOMPANIMENT.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0023}.jpg" alt="{0023}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0023}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + We have been having some very hot weather here for the past week, but it + is now cooler. Farmers are getting in their crops in good shape, but wheat + is still low in price, and cranberries are souring on the vines. All of + our canned red raspberries worked last week, and we had to can them over + again. Mr. Riel, who went into the rebellion business in Canada last + winter, will be hanged in September if it don't rain. It will be his + first appearance on the gallows, and quite a number of our leading + American criminals are going over to see his debut. + </p> + <p> + Hoping to hear from you by return mail or prepaid cablegram, I beg leave + to remain your most gracious and indulgent majesty's humble and + obedient servant. + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0005" id="link2H_4_0005"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Habits of a Literary Man. + </h2> + <p> + The editor of an Eastern health magazine, having asked for information + relative to the habits, hours of work, and style and frequency of feed + adopted by literary men, and several parties having responded who were no + more essentially saturated with literature than I am, I now take my pen in + hand to reveal the true inwardness of my literary life, so that boys, who + may yearn to follow in my footsteps and wear a laurel wreath the year + round in place of a hat, may know what the personal habits of a literary + party are. + </p> + <p> + I rise from bed the first thing in the morning, leaving my couch not + because I am dissatisfied with it, but because I cannot carry it with me + during the day. + </p> + <p> + I then seat myself on the edge of the bed and devote a few moments to + thought. Literary men who have never set aside a few moments on rising for + thought will do well to try it. + </p> + <p> + I then insert myself into a pair of middle-aged pantaloons. It is needless + to say that girls who may have a literary tendency will find little to + interest them here. + </p> + <p> + Other clothing is added to the above from time to time. I then bathe + myself. Still this is not absolutely essential to a literary life. Others + who do not do so have been equally successful. + </p> + <p> + Some literary people bathe before dressing. + </p> + <p> + I then go down stairs and out to the barn, where I feed the horse. Some + literary men feel above taking care of a horse, because there is really + nothing in common between the care of a horse and literature, but + simplicity is my watchword. T. Jefferson would have to rise early in the + day to eclipse me in simplicity. I wish I had as many dollars as I have + got simplicity. + </p> + <p> + I then go in to breakfast. This meal consists almost wholly of food. I am + passionately fond of food, and I may truly say, with my hand on my heart, + that I owe much of my great success in life to this inward craving, this + constant yearning for something better. + </p> + <p> + During this meal I frequently converse with my family. I do not feel above + my family, at least, if I do, I try to conceal it as much as possible. + Buckwheat pancakes in a heated state, with maple syrup on the upper side, + are extremely conducive to literature. Nothing jerks the mental faculties + around with greater rapidity than buckwheat pancakes. + </p> + <p> + After breakfast the time is put in to good advantage looking forward to + the time when dinner will be ready. From 8 to 10 A. M., however, I + frequently retire to my private library hot-bed in the hay mow, and write + 1,200 words in my forthcoming book, the price of which will be $2.50 in + cloth and $4 with Russia back. + </p> + <p> + I then play Copenhagen with some little girls 21 years of age, who live + near by, and of whom I am passionately fond. + </p> + <p> + After that I dig some worms, with a view to angling. I then angle. After + this I return home, waiting until dusk, however, as I do not like to + attract attention. Nothing is more distasteful to a truly good man of + wonderful literary acquirements, and yet with singular modesty, than the + coarse and rude scrutiny of the vulgar herd. + </p> + <p> + In winter I do not angle. I read the “Pirate Prince” or the + “Missourian's Mash,” or some other work, not so much for + the plot as the style, that I may get my mind into correct channels of + thought I then play “old sledge” in a rambling sort of manner. + I sometimes spend an evening at home, in order to excite remark and draw + attention to my wonderful eccentricity. + </p> + <p> + I do not use alcohol in any form, if I know it, though sometimes I am + basely deceived by those who know of my peculiar prejudice, and who do it, + too, because they enjoy watching my odd and amusing antics at the time. + </p> + <p> + Alcohol should be avoided entirely by literary workers, especially young + women. There can be no more pitiable sight to the tender hearted, than a + young woman of marked ability writing an obituary poem while under the + influence of liquor. + </p> + <p> + I knew a young man who was a good writer. His penmanship was very good, + indeed. He once wrote an article for the press while under the influence + of liquor. He sent it to the editor, who returned it at once with a cold + and cruel letter, every line of which was a stab. The letter came at a + time when he was full of remorse. + </p> + <p> + He tossed up a cent to see whether he should blow out his brains or go + into the ready-made clothing business. The coin decided that he should die + by his own hand, but his head ached so that he didn't feel like + shooting into it. So he went into the ready-made clothing business, and + now he pays taxes on $75,000, so he is probably worth $150,000. This, of + course, salves over his wounded heart, but he often says to me that he + might have been in the literary business to-day if he had let liquor + alone. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Father's Letter. + </h2> + <p> + My dear son.—Your letter of last week reached us yesterday, and I + enclose $13, which is all I have by me at the present time. I may sell the + other shote next week and make up the balance of what you wanted. I will + probably have to wear the old buffalo overcoat to meetings again this + winter, but that don't matter so long as you are getting an + education. + </p> + <p> + I hope you will get your education as cheap as you can, for it cramps your + mother and me like Sam Hill to put up the money. Mind you, I don't + complain. I knew education come high, but I didn't know the clothes + cost so like sixty. + </p> + <p> + I want you to be so that you can go anywhere and spell the hardest word. I + want you to be able to go among the Romans or the Medes and Persians and + talk to any of them in their own native tongue. + </p> + <p> + I never had any advantages when I was a boy, but your mother and I decided + that we would sock you full of knowledge, if your liver held out, + regardless of expense. We calculate to do it, only we want you to go as + slow on swallowtail coats as possible till we can sell our hay. + </p> + <p> + Now, regarding that boat-paddling suit, and that baseball suit, and that + bathing suit, and that roller-rinktum suit, and that lawn-tennis suit, + mind, I don't care about the expense, because you say a young man + can't really educate himself thoroughly without them, but I wish you'd + send home what you get through with this fall, and I'll wear them + through the winter under my other clothes. We have a good deal severer + winters here than we used to, or else I'm failing in bodily health. + Last winter I tried to go through without underclothes, the way I did when + I was a boy, but a Manitoba wave came down our way and picked me out of a + crowd with its eyes shet. + </p> + <p> + In your last letter you alluded to getting injured in a little “hazing + scuffle with a pelican from the rural districts.” I don't want + any harm to come to you, my son, but if I went from the rural districts + and another young gosling from the rural districts undertook to haze me, I + would meet him when the sun goes down, and I would swat him across the + back of the neck with a fence board, and then I would meander across the + pit of his stomach and put a blue forget-me-not under his eye. + </p> + <p> + Your father aint much on Grecian mythology and how to get the square root + of a barrel of pork, but he wouldn't allow any educational + institutions to haze him with impunity. Perhaps you remember once when you + tried to haze your father a little, just to kill time, and how long it + took you to recover. Anybody that goes at it right can have a good deal of + fun with your father, but those who have sought to monkey with him, just + to break up the monotony of life, have most always succeeded in finding + what they sought. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: RETRIBUTIVE JUSTICE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0028}.jpg" alt="{0028}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0028}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I ain't much of a pensman, so you will have to excuse this letter. + We are all quite well, except old Fan, who has a galded shoulder, and hope + this will find you enjoying the same great blessing. + </p> + <p> + Your Father. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Archimedes. + </h2> + <p> + Archimedes, whose given name has been accidentally torn off and swallowed + up in oblivion, was born in Syracuse, 2,171 years ago last spring. He was + a philosopher and mathematical expert. During his life he was never + successfully stumped in figures. It ill befits me now, standing by his + new-made grave, to say aught of him that is not of praise. We can only + mourn his untimely death, and wonder which of our little band of great men + will be the next to go. + </p> + <p> + Archimedes was the first to originate and use the word “Eureka.” + It has been successfully used very much lately, and as a result we have + the Eureka baking powder, the Eureka suspender, the Eureka bed-bug buster, + the Eureka shirt, and the Eureka stomach bitters. Little did Archimedes + wot, when he invented this term, that it would come into such general use. + </p> + <p> + Its origin has been explained before, but it would not be out of place + here for me to tell it as I call it to mind now, looking back over Archie's + eventful life. + </p> + <p> + King Hiero had ordered an eighteen karat crown, size 7-1/8, and, after + receiving it from the hands of the jeweler, suspected that it had been + adulterated. He therefore applied to Archimedes to ascertain, if possible, + whether such was the case or not. Archimedes had just got in on No. 3, two + hours late, and covered with dust. He at once started for a hot and cold + bath emporium on Sixteenth street, meantime wondering how the dickens he + would settle that crown business. + </p> + <p> + He filled the bath-tub level full, and, piling up his raiment on the + floor, jumped in. Displacing a large quantity of water, equal to his own + bulk, he thereupon solved the question of specific gravity, and, + forgetting his bill, forgetting his clothes, he sailed up Sixteenth street + and all over Syracuse, clothed in shimmering sunlight and a plain gold + ring, shouting “Eureka!” He ran head-first into a Syracuse + policeman and howled “Eureka!” The policeman said: “You'll + have to excuse me; I don't know him.” He scattered the + Syracuse Normal school on its way home, and tried to board a Fifteenth + street bob-tail car, yelling “Eureka!” The car-driver told him + that Eureka wasn't on the car, and referred Archimedes to a clothing + store. + </p> + <p> + Everywhere he was greeted with surprise. He tried to pay his car-fare, but + found that he had left his money in his other clothes. + </p> + <p> + Some thought it was the revised statute of Hercules; that he had become + weary of standing on his pedestal during the hot weather, and had started + out for fresh air. I give this as I remember it. The story is foundered on + fact. + </p> + <p> + Archimedes once said: “Give me where I may stand, and I will move + the world.” I could write it in the original Greek, but, fearing + that the nonpareil delirium tremens type might get short, I give it in the + English language. + </p> + <p> + It may be tardy justice to a great mathematician and scientist, but I have + a few resolutions of respect which I would be very glad to get printed on + this solemn occasion, and mail copies of the paper to his relatives and + friends: + </p> + <p> + “WHEREAS, It has pleased an All-wise Providence to remove from our + midst Archimedes, who was ever at the front in all deserving labors and + enterprises; and + </p> + <p> + “WHEREAS, We can but feebly express our great sorrow in the loss of + Archimedes, whose front name has escaped our memory; therefore + </p> + <p> + “<i>Resolved</i>, That in his death we have lost a leading citizen + of Syracuse, and one who never shook his friends—never weakened or + gigged back on those he loved. + </p> + <p> + “<i>Resolved</i>, That copies of these resolutions will be spread on + the moments of the meeting of the Common Council of Syracuse, and that + they be published in the Syracuse papers eodtfpdq&cod, and that marked + copies of said papers be mailed to the relatives of the deceased.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0008" id="link2H_4_0008"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + To the President-Elect. + </h2> + <p> + Dear Sir.—The painful duty of turning over to you the administration + of these United States and the key to the front door of the White House + has been assigned to me. You will find the key hanging inside the + storm-door, and the cistern-pole up stairs in the haymow of the barn. I + have made a great many suggestions to the outgoing administration relative + to the transfer of the Indian bureau from the department of the Interior + to that of the sweet by-and-by. The Indian, I may say, has been a great + source of annoyance to me, several of their number having jumped one of my + most valuable mining claims on White river. Still, I do not complain of + that. This mine, however, I am convinced would be a good paying property + if properly worked, and should you at any time wish to take the regular + army and such other help as you may need and re-capture it from our red + brothers, I would be glad to give you a controlling interest in it. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A DEARTH OF SOAP IN THE LAUNDRY AND BATH-ROOM.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0031}.jpg" alt="{0031}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0031}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + You will find all papers in their appropriate pigeon-holes, and a small + jar of cucumber pickles down cellar, which were left over and to which you + will be perfectly welcome. The asperities and heart burnings that were the + immediate result of a hot and unusually bitter campaign are now all + buried. Take these pickles and use them as though they were your own. They + are none too good for you. You deserve them. We may differ politically, + but that need not interfere with our warm personal friendship. + </p> + <p> + You will observe on taking possession of the administration, that the navy + is a little bit weather-beaten and wormy. I would suggest that it be newly + painted in the spring. If it had been my good fortune to receive a + majority of the suffrages of the people for the office which you now hold, + I should have painted the navy red. Still, that need not influence you in + the course which you may see fit to adopt. + </p> + <p> + There are many affairs of great moment which I have not enumerated in this + brief letter, because I felt some little delicacy and timidity about + appearing to be at all dictatorial or officious about a matter wherein the + public might charge me with interference. + </p> + <p> + I hope you will receive the foregoing in a friendly spirit, and whatever + your convictions may be upon great questions of national interest, either + foreign or domestic, that you will not undertake to blow out the gas on + retiring, and that you will in other ways realize the fond anticipations + which are now cherished in your behalf by a mighty people whose aggregated + eye is now on to you. + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye. + </p> + <p> + P.S.—You will be a little surprised, no doubt, to find no soap in + the laundry or bath-rooms. It probably got into the campaign in some way + and was absorbed. + </p> + <p> + B.N. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Anatomy. + </h2> + <p> + The word anatomy is derived from two Greek spatters and three polywogs, + which, when translated, signify “up through” and “to + cut,” so that anatomy actually, when translated from the original + wappy-jawed Greek, means to cut up through. That is no doubt the reason + why the medical student proceeds to cut up through the entire course. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: STUDYING ANATOMY.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0033}.jpg" alt="{0033}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0033}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Anatomy is so called because its best results are obtained from the + cutting or dissecting of organism. For that reason there is a growing + demand in the neighborhood of the medical college for good second-hand + organisms. Parties having well preserved organisms that they are not + actually using, will do well to call at the side door of the medical + college after 10 P.M. + </p> + <p> + The branch of the comparative anatomy which seeks to trace the unities of + plan which are exhibited in diverse organisms, and which discovers, as far + as may be, the principles which govern the growth and development of + organized bodies, and which finds functional analogies and structural + homologies, is denominated philosophical or transcendental anatomy. (This + statement, though strictly true, is not original with me.) + </p> + <p> + Careful study of the human organism after death, shows traces of + functional analogies and structural homologies in people who were supposed + to have been in perfect health all their lives Probably many of those we + meet in the daily walks of life, many, too, who wear a smile and outwardly + seem happy, have either one or both of these things. A man may live a + false life and deceive his most intimate friends in the matter of + anatomical analogies or homologies, but he cannot conceal it from the + eagle eye of the medical student. The ambitious medical student makes a + specialty of true inwardness. + </p> + <p> + The study of the structure of animals is called zootomy. The attempt to + study the anatomical structure of the grizzly bear from the inside has not + been crowned with success. When the anatomizer and the bear have been + thrown together casually, it has generally been a struggle between the two + organisms to see which would make a study of the structure of the other. + Zootomy and moral suasion are not homogeneous, analogous, nor indigenous. + </p> + <p> + Vegetable anatomy is called phytonomy, sometimes. But it would not be safe + to address a vigorous man by that epithet. We may call a vegetable that, + however, and be safe. + </p> + <p> + Human anatomy is that branch of anatomy which enters into the description + of the structure and geographical distribution of the elements of a human + being. It also applies to the structure of the microbe that crawls out of + jail every four years just long enough to whip his wife, vote and go back + again. + </p> + <p> + Human anatomy is either general, specific, topographical or surgical. + Those terms do not imply the dissection and anatomy of generals, + specialists, topographers and surgeons, as they might seem to imply, but + really mean something else. I would explain here what they actually do + mean if I had more room and knew enough to do it. + </p> + <p> + Anatomists divide their science, as well as their subjects, into + fragments. Osteology treats of the skeleton, myology of the muscles, + angiology of the blood vessels, splanchology the digestive organs or + department of the interior, and so on. + </p> + <p> + People tell pretty tough stories of the young carvists who study anatomy + on subjects taken from life. I would repeat a few of them here, but they + are productive of insomnia, so I will not give them. + </p> + <p> + I visited a matinee of this kind once for a short time, but I have not + been there since. When I have a holiday now, the idea of spending it in + the dissecting-room of a large and flourishing medical college does not + occur to me. + </p> + <p> + I never could be a successful surgeon, I fear. While I have no hesitation + about mutilating the English, I have scruples about cutting up other + nationalities. I should always fear, while pursuing my studies, that I + might be called upon to dissect a friend, and I could not do that. I + should like to do anything that would advance the cause of science, but I + should not want to form the habit of dissecting people, lest some day I + might be called upon to dissect a friend for whom I had a great + attachment, or some creditor who had an attachment for me. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0035}.jpg" alt="{0035}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0035}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Mr. Sweeney's Cat. + </h2> + <p> + Robert Ormsby Sweeney is a druggist of St. Paul, and though a recent + chronological record reveals the fact that he is a direct descendant of a + sure-enough king, and though there is mighty good purple, royal blood in + his veins that dates back where kings used to have something to do to earn + their salary, he goes right on with his regular business, selling drugs at + the great sacrifice which druggists will make sometimes in order to place + their goods within the reach of all. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I learned that Mr. Sweeney had barely escaped being a crowned + head, I got acquainted with him and tried to cheer him up, and I told him + that people wouldn't hold him in any way responsible, and that as it + hadn't shown itself in his family for years he might perhaps finally + wear it out. + </p> + <p> + He is a mighty pleasant man to meet, anyhow, and you can have just as much + fun with him as you could with a man who didn't have any royal blood + in his veins. You could be with him for days on a fishing trip and never + notice it at all. + </p> + <p> + But I was going to speak more in particular about Mr. Sweeney's cat. + Mr. Sweeney had a large cat, named Dr. Mary Walker, of which he was very + fond. Dr. Mary Walker remained at the drug store all the time, and was + known all over St. Paul as a quiet and reserved cat. If Dr. Mary Walker + took in the town after office hours, nobody seemed to know anything about + it. She would be around bright and cheerful the next morning and attend to + her duties at the store just as though nothing whatever had happened. + </p> + <p> + One day last summer Mr. Sweeney left a large plate of fly-paper with water + on it in the window, hoping to gather in a few quarts of flies in a + deceased state. Dr. Mary Walker used to go to this window during the + afternoon and look out on the busy street while she called up pleasant + memories of her past life. That afternoon she thought she would call up + some more memories, so she went over on the counter and from there jumped + down on the window-sill, landing with all four feet in the plate of + fly-paper. + </p> + <p> + At first she regarded it as a joke, and treated the matter very lightly, + but later on she observed that the fly-paper stuck to her feet with great + tenacity of purpose. Those who have never seen the look of surprise and + deep sorrow that a cat wears when she finds herself glued to a whole sheet + of fly-paper, cannot fully appreciate the way Dr. Mary Walker felt. She + did not dash wildly through a $150 plate-glass window, as some cats would + have done. She controlled herself and acted in the coolest manner, though + you could have seen that mentally she suffered intensely. She sat down a + moment to more fully outline a plan for the future. In doing so, she made + a great mistake. The gesture resulted in glueing the fly-paper to her + person in such a way that the edge turned up behind in the most abrupt + manner, and caused her great inconvenience. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: AT FIRST SHE REGARDED IT AS A JOKE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0037}.jpg" alt="{0037}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0037}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Some one at that time laughed in a coarse and heartless way, and I wish + you could have seen the look of pain that Dr. Mary Walker gave him. + </p> + <p> + Then she went away. She did not go around the prescription case as the + rest of us did, but strolled through the middle of it, and so on out + through the glass door at the rear of the store. We did not see her go + through the glass door, but we found pieces of fly-paper and fur on the + ragged edges of a large aperture in the glass, and we kind of jumped at + the conclusion that Dr. Mary Walker had taken that direction in retiring + from the room. + </p> + <p> + Dr. Mary Walker never returned to St. Paul, and her exact whereabouts are + not known, though every effort was made to find her. Fragments of flypaper + and brindle hair were found as far west as the Yellowstone National Park, + and as far north as the British line, but the doctor herself was not + found. My own theory is, that if she turned her bow to the west so as to + catch the strong easterly gale on her quarter, with the sail she had set + and her tail pointing directly toward the zenith, the chances for Dr. Mary + Walker's immediate return are extremely slim. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0038}.jpg" alt="{0038}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0038}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Heyday of Life. + </h2> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9039}.jpg" alt="{9039}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9039}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + There will always be a slight difference in the opinions of the young and + the mature, relative to the general plan on which the solar system should + be operated, no doubt. There are also points of disagreement in other + matters, and it looks as though there always would be. + </p> + <p> + To the young the future has a more roseate hue. The roseate hue comes + high, but we have to use it in this place. To the young there spreads out + across the horizon a glorious range of possibilities. After the youth has + endorsed for an intimate friend a few times, and purchased the paper at + the bank himself later on, the horizon won't seem to horizon so + tumultuously as it did aforetime. I remember at one time of purchasing + such a piece of accommodation paper at a bank, and I still have it. I didn't + need it any more than a cat needs eleven tails at one and the same time. + Still the bank made it an object for me, and I secured it. Such things as + these harshly knock the flush and bloom off the cheek of youth, and prompt + us to turn the strawberry box bottom side up before we purchase it. + </p> + <p> + Youth is gay and hopeful, age is covered with experience and scars where + the skin has been knocked off and had to grow on again. To the young a + dollar looks large and strong, but to the middle-aged and the old it is + weak and inefficient. + </p> + <p> + When we are in the heyday and fizz of existence, we believe everything; + but after awhile we murmur: “What's that you are givin' + us,” or words of like character. Age brings caution and a lot of + shop-worn experience, purchased at the highest market price. Time brings + vain regrets and wisdom teeth that can be left in a glass of water over + night. + </p> + <p> + Still we should not repine. If people would repine less and try harder to + get up an appetite by persweating in someone's vineyard at so much + per diem, it would be better. The American people of late years seem to + have a deeper and deadlier repugnance for mannish industry, and there + seems to be a growing opinion that our crops are more abundant when + saturated with foreign perspiration. European sweat, if I may be allowed + to use such a low term, is very good in its place, but the native-born + Duke of Dakota, or the Earl of York State should remember that the matter + of perspiration and posterity should not be left solely to the foreigner. + </p> + <p> + There are too many Americans who toil not, neither do they spin. They + would be willing to have an office foisted upon them, but they would + rather blow their so-called brains out than to steer a pair of large + steel-gray mules from day to day. They are too proud to hoe corn, for fear + some great man will ride by and see the termination of their shirts + extending out through the seats of their pantaloons, but they are not too + proud to assign their shattered finances to a friend and their shattered + remains to the morgue. + </p> + <p> + Pride is all right if it is the right kind, but the pride that prompts a + man to kill his mother, because she at last refuses to black his boots any + more, is an erroneous pride. The pride that induces a man to muss up the + carpet with his brains because there is nothing left for him to do but to + labor, is the kind that Lucifer had when he bolted the action of the + convention and went over to the red-hot minority. + </p> + <p> + Youth is the spring-time of life. It is the time to acquire information, + so that we may show it off in after years and paralyze people with what we + know. The wise youth will “lay low” till he gets a whole lot + of knowledge, and then in later days turn it loose in an abrupt manner. He + will guard against telling what he knows, a little at a time. That is + unwise. I once knew a youth who wore himself out telling people all he + knew from day to day, so that when he became a bald-headed man he was + utterly exhausted and didn't have anything left to tell anyone. Some + of the things that we know should be saved for our own use. The man who + sheds all his knowledge, and don't leave enough to keep house with, + fools himself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0012" id="link2H_4_0012"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + They Fell. + </h2> + <p> + Two delegates to the General Convocation of the Sons of Ice Water were + sitting in the lobby of the Windsor, in the city of Denver, not long ago, + strangers to each other and to everybody else. One came from Huerferno + county, and the other was a delegate from the Ice Water Encampment of + Correjos county. + </p> + <p> + From the beautiful billiard hall came the sharp rattle of ivory balls, and + in the bar-room there was a glitter of electric light, cut glass, and + French plate mirrors. Out of the door came the merry laughter of the giddy + throng, flavored with fragrant Havana smoke and the delicate odor of lemon + and mirth and pine apple and cognac. + </p> + <p> + The delegate from Correjos felt lonely, and he turned to the Ice Water + representative from Huerferno: + </p> + <p> + “That was a bold and fearless speech you made this afternoon on the + demon rum at the convocation.” + </p> + <p> + “Think so?” said the sad Huerferno man. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, you entered into the description of rum's maniac till I + could almost see the red-eyed centipedes and tropical hornets in the air. + How could you describe the jimjams so graphically?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, you see, I'm a reformed drunkard. Only a little while + ago I was in the gutter.” + </p> + <p> + “So was I.” + </p> + <p> + “How long ago?” + </p> + <p> + “Week ago day after to-morrow.” + </p> + <p> + “Next Tuesday it'll be a week since I quit.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I swan!” + </p> + <p> + “Ain't it funny?” + </p> + <p> + “Tolerable.” + </p> + <p> + “It's going to be a long, cold winter; don't you think + so?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I dread it a good deal.” + </p> + <p> + “It's a comfort, though, to know that you never will touch rum + again.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I am glad in my heart to-night that I am free from it. I shall + never touch rum again.” + </p> + <p> + When he said this he looked up at the other delegate, and they looked into + each other's eyes earnestly, as though each would read the other's + soul. Then the Huerferno man said: + </p> + <p> + “In fact, I never did care much for rum.” + </p> + <p> + Then there was a long pause. + </p> + <p> + Finally the Correjos man ventured: “Do you have to use an antidote + to cure the thirst?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I've had to rely on that a good deal at first. Probably + this vain yearning that I now feel in the pit of the bosom will disappear + after awhile.” + </p> + <p> + “Have you got any antidote with you?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, I've got some up in 232-1/2. If you'll come up I'll + give you a dose.” + </p> + <p> + “There's no rum in it, is there?” + </p> + <p> + “No.” + </p> + <p> + Then they went up the elevator. They did not get down to breakfast, but at + dinner they stole in. The man from Huerferno dodged nervously through the + archway leading to the dining-room as though he had doubts about getting + through so small a space with his augmented head, and the man from + Correjos looked like one who had wept his eyes almost blind over the woe + that rum has wrought in our fair land. + </p> + <p> + When the waiter asked the delegate from Correjos for his dessert order, + the red-nosed Son of Ice Water said: “Bring me a cup of tea, some + pudding without wine sauce, and a piece of mince pie. You may also bring + me a corkscrew, if you please, to pull the brandy out of the mince pie + with.” + </p> + <p> + Then the two reformed drunkards looked at each other, and laughed a + hoarse, bitter and joyous laugh. + </p> + <p> + At the afternoon session of the Sons of Ice Water, the Huerferno delegate + couldn't get his regalia over his head. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Second Letter to the President. + </h2> + <p> + To the President.—I write this letter not on my own account, but on + behalf of a personal friend of mine who is known as a mugwump. He is a + great worker for political reform, but he cannot spell very well, so he + has asked me to write this letter. He knew that I had been thrown among + great men all my life, and that, owing to my high social position and fine + education, I would be peculiarly fitted to write you in a way that would + not call forth disagreeable remarks, and so he has given me the points and + I have arranged them for you. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, my friend desires me to convey to you, Mr. President, + in a delicate manner, and in such language as to avoid giving offense, + that he is somewhat disappointed in your Cabinet. I hate to talk this way + to a bran-new President, but my friend feels hurt and he desires that I + should say to you that he regrets your short-sighted policy. He says that + it seems to him there is very little in the course of the administration + so far to encourage a man to shake off old party ties and try to make men + better. He desires to say that after conversing with a large number of the + purest men, men who have been in both political parties off and on for + years and yet have never been corrupted by office, men who have left + convention after convention in years past because those conventions were + corrupt and endorsed other men than themselves for office, he finds that + your appointment of Cabinet officers will only please two classes, viz: + Democrats and Republicans. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WORKING FOR REFORM.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0043}.jpg" alt="{0043}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0043}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Now, what do you care for an administration which will only gratify those + two old parties? Are you going to snap your fingers in disdain at men who + admit that they are superior to anybody else? Do you want history to + chronicle the fact that President Cleveland accepted the aid of the pure + and highly cultivated gentlemen who never did anything naughty or + unpretty, and then appointed his Cabinet from men who had been known for + years as rude, naughty Democrats? + </p> + <p> + My friend says that he feels sure you would not have done so if you had + fully realized how he felt about it. He claims that in the first week of + your administration you have basely truckled to the corrupt majority. You + have shown yourself to be the friend of men who never claimed to be truly + good. + </p> + <p> + If you persist in this course you will lose the respect and esteem of my + friend and another man who is politically pure, and who has never smirched + his escutcheon with an office. He has one of the cleanest and most + vigorous escutcheons in that county. He never leaves it out over night + during the summer, and in the winter he buries it in sawdust. Both of + these men will go back to the Republican party in 1888 if you persist in + the course you have thus far adopted. They would go back now if the + Republican party insisted on it. + </p> + <p> + Mr. President, I hate to write to you in this tone of voice, because I + know the pain it will give you. I once held an office myself, Mr. + President, and it hurt my feelings very much to have a warm personal + friend criticise my official acts. + </p> + <p> + The worst feature of the whole thing, Mr. President, is that it will + encourage crime. If men who never committed any crime are allowed to earn + their living by the precarious methods peculiar to manual labor, and if + those who have abstained from office for years, by request of many + citizens, are to be denied the endorsement of the administration, they + will lose courage to go on and do right in the future. My friend desires + to state vicariously, in the strongest terms, that both he and his wife + feel the same way about it, and they will not promise to keep it quiet any + longer. They feel like crippling the administration in every way they can + if the present policy is to be pursued. + </p> + <p> + He says he dislikes to begin thus early to threaten a President who has + barely taken off his overshoes and drawn his mileage, but he thinks it may + prevent a recurrence of these unfortunate mistakes. He claims that you + have totally misunderstood the principles of the mugwumps all the way + through. You seem to regard the reform movement as one introduced for the + purpose of universal benefit. This was not the case. While fully endorsing + and supporting reform, he says that they did not go into it merely to kill + time or simply for fun. He also says that when he became a reformer and + supported you, he did not think there were so many prominent Democrats who + would have claims upon you. He can only now deplore the great national + poverty of offices and the boundless wealth of raw material in the + Democratic party from which to supply even that meagre demand. + </p> + <p> + He wishes me to add, also, that you must have over-estimated the zeal of + his party for civil service reform. He says that they did not yearn for + civil service reform so much as many people seem to think. + </p> + <p> + I must now draw this letter to a close. We are all well with the exception + of colds in the head, but nothing that need give you any uneasiness. Our + large seal-brown hen last week, stimulated by a rising egg market, + over-exerted herself, and on Saturday evening, as the twilight gathered, + she yielded to a complication of pip and softening of the brain and + expired in my arms. She certainly led a most exemplary life and the forked + tongue of slander could find naught to utter against her. + </p> + <p> + Hoping that you are enjoying the same great blessing and that you will + write as often as possible without waiting for me, I remain, + </p> + <p> + Very respectfully yours, + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye. + </p> + <p> + {Dictated Letter.} + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Milling in Pompeii. + </h2> + <p> + While visiting Naples, last fall, I took a great interest in the wonderful + museum there, of objects that have been exhumed from the ruins of Pompeii. + It is a remarkable collection, including, among other things, the + cumbersome machinery of a large woolen factory, the receipts, contracts, + statements of sales, etc., etc., of bankers, brokers, and usurers. I was + told that the exhumist also ran into an Etruscan bucket-shop in one part + of the city, but, owing to the long, dry spell, the buckets had fallen to + pieces. + </p> + <p> + The object which engrossed my attention the most, however, was what seems + to have been a circular issued prior to the great volcanic vomit of 79 + A.D., and no doubt prior even to the Christian era. As the date is torn + off however, we are left to conjecture the time at which it was issued. I + was permitted to make a copy of it, and with the aid of my hired man, I + have translated it with great care. + </p> + <p> + Office of Lucretius & Procalus, Dealers In Flour, Bran, Shorts, + Middlings, Screenings, Etruscan Hen Feed, and Other Choice Bric-A-Brac. + </p> + <p> + <i>Highest Cash Price Paid for Neapolitan Winter Wheat and Roman Corn </i> + </p> + <p> + Why haul your Wheat through the sand to Herculaneum when we pay the same + price here? + </p> + <p> + Office and Mill, Via VIII, Near the Stabian Gate, Only Thirteen Blocks + From the P.O., Pompeii. + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir: This circular has been called out by another one issued last + month by Messrs. Toecorneous & Chilblainicus, alleged millers and + wheat buyers of Herculaneum, in which they claim to pay a quarter to a + half-cent more per bushel than we do for wheat, and charge us with docking + the farmers around Pompeii a pound per bushel more than necessary for + cockle, wild buck-wheat, and pigeon-grass seed. They make the broad + statement that we have made all our money in that way, and claim that Mr. + Lucretius, of our mill, has erected a fine house, which the farmers allude + to as the “wild buckwheat villa.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: TWO OLD ROMANS.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8047}.jpg" alt="{8047} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8047}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + We do not, as a general rule, pay any attention to this kind of stuff; but + when two snide romans, who went to Herculaneum without a dollar and drank + stale beer out of an old Etruscan tomato-can the first year they were + there, assail our integrity, we feel justified in making a prompt and + final reply. We desire to state to the Roman farmers that we do not test + their wheat with the crooked brass tester that has made more money for + Messrs. Toecorneous & Chilblainicus than their old mill has. We do not + do that kind of business. Neither do we buy a man's wheat at a cash + price and then work off four or five hundred pounds of XXXX Imperial hog + feed on him in part payment. When we buy a man's wheat we pay him in + money. We do not seek to fill him up with sour Carthagenian cracked wheat + and orders on the store. + </p> + <p> + We would also call attention to the improvements that we have just made in + our mill. Last week we put a handle in the upper burr, and we have also + engaged one of the best head millers in Pompeii to turn the crank + day-times. Our old head miller will oversee the business at night, so that + the mill will be in full blast night and day, except when the head miller + has gone to his meals or stopped to spit on his hands. + </p> + <p> + The mill of our vile contemporaries at Herculaneum is an old one that was + used around Naples one hundred years ago to smash rock for the Neapolitan + road, and is entirely out of repair. It was also used in a brick-yard here + near Pompeii; then an old junk man sold it to a tenderfoot from Jerusalem + as an ice-cream freezer. He found that it would not work, and so used it + to grind up potato bugs for blisters. Now it is grinding ostensible flour + at Herculaneum. + </p> + <p> + We desire to state to the farmers about Pompeii and Herculaneum that we + aim to please. We desire to make a grade of flour this summer that will + not have to be run through the coffee mill before it can be used. We will + also pay you the highest price for good wheat, and give you good weight. + Our capacity is now greatly enlarged, both as to storage and grinding. We + now turn out a sack of flour, complete and ready for use, every little + while. We have an extra handle for the mill, so that in case of accident + to the one now in use, we need not shut down but a few moments. We call + attention to our XXXX Git-there brand of flour. It is the best flour in + the market for making angels' food and other celestial groceries. We + fully warrant it, and will agree that for every sack containing whole + kernels of corn, corncobs, or other foreign substances, not thoroughly + pulverized, we will refund the money already paid, and show the person + through our mill. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: ANCIENT ROMAN MILLER.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9048}.jpg" alt="{9048}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9048}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + We would also like to call the attention of farmers and housewives around + Pompeii to our celebrated Dough Squatter. It is purely automatic in its + operation, requiring only two men to work it. With this machine two men + will knead all the bread they can eat and do it easily, feeling thoroughly + refreshed at night. They also avoid that dark maroon taste in the mouth so + common in Pompeii on arising in the morning. + </p> + <p> + To those who do not feel able to buy one of these machines, we would say + that we have made arrangements for the approaching season, so that those + who wish may bring their dough to our mammoth squatter and get it treated + at our place at the nominal price of two bits per squat. Strangers calling + for their squat or unsquat dough, will have to be identified. + </p> + <p> + Do not forget the place, Via VIII, near Stabian gate. + </p> + <p> + Lucretius & Peocalus, + </p> + <p> + Dealers in choice family flour, cut feed and oatmeal with or without + clinkers in it. Try our lumpless bran for indigestion. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Broncho Sam. + </h2> + <p> + Speaking about cowboys, Sam Stewart, known from Montana to Old Mexico as + Broncho Sam, was the chief. He was not a white man, an Indian, a greaser + or a negro, but he had the nose of an Indian warrior, the curly hair of an + African, and the courtesy and equestrian grace of a Spaniard. A wide + reputation as a “broncho breaker” gave him his name. + </p> + <p> + To master an untamed broncho and teach him to lead, to drive and to be + safely-ridden was Sam's mission during the warm weather when he was + not riding the range. His special delight was to break the war-like heart + of the vicious wild pony of the plains and make him the servant of man. + </p> + <p> + I've seen him mount a hostile “bucker,” and, clinching + his italic legs around the body of his adversary, ride him till the blood + would burst from Sam's nostrils and spatter horse and rider like + rain. Most everyone knows what the bucking of the barbarous Western horse + means. The wild horse probably learned it from the antelope, for the + latter does it the same way, i.e., he jumps straight up into the air, at + the same instant curving his back and coming down stiff-legged, with all + four of his feet in a bunch. The concussion is considerable. + </p> + <p> + I tried it once myself. I partially rode a roan broncho one spring day, + which will always be green in my memory. The day, I mean, not the broncho. + </p> + <p> + It occupied my entire attention to safely ride the cunning little beast, + and when he began to ride me I put in a minority report against it. + </p> + <p> + I have passed through an earthquake and an Indian outbreak, but I would + rather ride an earthquake without saddle or bridle than to bestride a + successful broncho eruption. I remember that I wore a large pair of + Mexican spurs, but I forgot them until the saddle turned. Then I + remembered them. Sitting down on them in an impulsive way brought them to + my mind. Then the broncho steed sat down on me, and that gave the spurs an + opportunity to make a more lasting impression on my mind. + </p> + <p> + To those who observed the charger with the double “cinch” + across his back and the saddle in front of him like a big leather corset, + sitting at the same time on my person, there must have been a tinge of + amusement; but to me it was not so frolicsome. + </p> + <p> + There may be joy in a wild gallop across the boundless plains, in the + crisp morning, on the back of a fleet broncho; but when you return with + your ribs sticking through your vest, and find that your nimble steed has + returned to town two hours ahead of you, there is a tinge of sadness about + it all. + </p> + <p> + Broncho Sam, however, made a specialty of doing all the riding himself. He + wouldn't enter into any compromise and allow the horse to ride him. + </p> + <p> + In a reckless moment he offered to bet ten dollars that he could mount and + ride a wild Texas steer. The money was put up. That settled it. Sam never + took water. This was true in a double sense. Well, he climbed the + cross-bar of the corral-gate, and asked the other boys to turn out their + best steer, Marquis of Queensbury rules. + </p> + <p> + As the steer passed out, Sam slid down and wrapped those parenthetical + legs of his around that high-headed, broad-horned brute, and he rode him + till the fleet-footed animal fell down on the buffalo grass, ran his hot + red tongue out across the blue horizon, shook his tail convulsively, + swelled up sadly and died. + </p> + <p> + It took Sam four days to walk back. + </p> + <p> + A ten-dollar bill looks as large to me as the star spangled banner, some + times; but that is an avenue of wealth that had not occurred to me. + </p> + <p> + I'd rather ride a buzz-saw at two dollars a day and found. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A BRONCO ERUPTION.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9050}.jpg" alt="{9050}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9050}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0016" id="link2H_4_0016"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + How Evolution Evolves. + </h2> + <p> + The following paper was read by me in a clear, resonant tone of voice, + before the Academy of Science and Pugilism at Erin Prairie, last month, + and as I have been so continually and so earnestly importuned to print it + that life was no longer desirable, I submit it to you for that purpose, + hoping that you will print my name in large caps, with astonishers at the + head of the article, and also in good display type at the close: + </p> + <p> + Some Features Of Evolution. + </p> + <p> + No one could possibly, in a brief paper, do the subject of evolution full + justice. It is a matter of great importance to our lost and undone race. + It lies near to every human heart, and exercises a wonderful influence + over our impulses and our ultimate success or failure. When we pause to + consider the opaque and fathomless ignorance of the great masses of our + fellow men on the subject of evolution, it is not surprising that crime is + rather on the increase, and that thousands of our race are annually + filling drunkards' graves, with no other visible means of support, + while multitudes of enlightened human beings are at the same time + obtaining a livelihood by meeting with felons' dooms. + </p> + <p> + These I would ask in all seriousness and in a tone of voice that would + melt the stoniest heart: “Why in creation do you do it?” The + time is rapidly approaching when there will be two or three felons for + each doom. I am sure that within the next fifty years, and perhaps sooner + even than that, instead of handing out these dooms to Tom, Dick and Harry + as formerly, every applicant for a felon's doom will have to pass + through a competitive examination, as he should do. + </p> + <p> + It will be the same with those who desire to fill drunkards' graves. + The time is almost here when all positions of profit and trust will be + carefully and judiciously handed out, and those who do not fit themselves + for those positions will be left in the lurch, whatever that may be. + </p> + <p> + It is with this fact glaring me in the face that I have consented to + appear before you to-day and lay bare the whole hypothesis, history, rise + and fall, modifications, anatomy, physiology and geology of evolution. It + is for this that I have poured over such works as Huxley, Herbert Spencer, + Moses in the bulrushes, Anaxagoras, Lucretius and Hoyle. It is for the + purpose of advancing the cause of common humanity and to jerk the rising + generation out of barbarism into the dazzling effulgence of clashing + intellects and fermenting brains that I have sought the works of + Pythagoras, Democritus and Epluribus. Whenever I could find any book that + bore upon the subject of evolution, and could borrow it, I have done so + while others slept. + </p> + <p> + That is a matter which rarely enters into the minds of those who go easily + and carelessly through life. Even the general superintendent of the + Academy of Science and Pugilism here in Erin Prairie, the hotbed of a free + and untrammeled, robust democracy, does not stop to think of the midnight + and other kinds of oil that I have consumed in order to fill myself full + of information and to soak my porous mind with thought. Even the O'Reilly + College of this place, with its strong mental faculty, has not informed + itself fully relative to the great effort necessary before a lecturer may + speak clearly, accurately and exhaustingly of evolution. + </p> + <p> + And yet, here in this place, where education is rampant, and the idea is + patted on the back, as I may say; here in Erin Prairie, where progress and + some other sentiments are written on everything; here where I am + addressing you to-night for $2 and feed for my horse, I met a little child + with a bright and cheerful smile, who did not know that evolution + consisted in a progress from the homogeneous to the heterogeneous. + </p> + <p> + So you see that you never know where ignorance lurks. The hydra-headed + upas tree and bete noir of self-acting progress, is such ignorance as + that, lurking in the very shadow of magnificent educational institutions + and hard words of great cast. Nothing can be more disagreeable to the + scientist than a bete noir. Nothing gives him greater satisfaction than to + chase it up a tree or mash it between two shingles. + </p> + <p> + For this reason, as I said, it gives me great pleasure to address you on + the subject of evolution, and to go into details in speaking of it. I + could go on for hours as I have been doing, delighting you with the + intricacies and peculiarities of evolution, but I must desist. It would + please me to do so, and you would no doubt remain patiently and listen, + but your business might suffer while you were away, and so I will close, + but I hope that anyone now within the sound of my voice, and in whose + breast a sudden hunger for more light on this great subject may have + sprung up, will feel perfectly free to call on me and ask me about it or + immerse himself in the numerous tomes that I have collected from friends, + and which relate to this matter. + </p> + <p> + In closing I wish to say that I have made no statements in this paper + relative to evolution which I am not prepared to prove; and, if anything, + I have been over-conservative. For that reason I say now, that the person + who doubts a single fact as I have given it to-night, bearing upon the + great subject of evolution, will have to do so over my dumb remains. + </p> + <p> + And a man who will do that is no gentleman. I presume that many of these + statements will be snapped up and sharply criticised by other theologians + and many of our foremost thinkers, but they will do well to pause before + they draw me into a controversy, for I have other facts in relation to + evolution, and some personal reminiscences and family history, which I am + prepared to introduce, if necessary, together with ideas that I have + thought up myself. So I say to those who may hope to attract notice and + obtain notoriety by drawing me into a controversy, beware. It will be to + your interest to beware! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Hours With Great Men. + </h2> + <p> + I presume that I could write an entire library of personal reminiscences + relative to the eminent people with whom I have been thrown during a busy + life, but I hate to do it, because I always regarded such things as sacred + from the vulgar eye, and I felt bound to respect the confidence of a + prominent man just as much as I would that of one who was less before the + people. I remember very well my first meeting with General W.T. Sherman. I + would not mention it here if it were not for the fact that the people seem + so be yearning for personal reminiscences of great men, and that is + perfectly right, too. + </p> + <p> + It was since the war that I met General Sherman, and it was on the line of + the Union Pacific Railway, at one of those justly celebrated + eating-houses, which I understand are now abandoned. The colored waiter + had cut off a strip of the omelette with a pair of shears, the scorched + oatmeal had been passed around, the little rubber door mats fried in + butter and called pancakes had been dealt around the table, and the + cashier at the end of the hall had just gone through the clothes of a + party from Vermont, who claimed a rebate on the ground that the waiter had + refused to bring him anything but his bill. There was no sound in the + dining-room except the weak request of the coffee for more air and + stimulants, or perhaps the cry of pain when the butter, while practicing + with the dumb-bells, would hit a child on the head; then all would be + still again. + </p> + <p> + General Sherman sat at one end of the table, throwing a life-preserver to + a fly in the milk pitcher. + </p> + <p> + We had never met before, though for years we had been plodding along life's + rugged way—he in the war department, I in the postoffice department. + Unknown to each other, we had been holding up opposite corners of the + great national fabric, if you will allow me that expression. + </p> + <p> + I remember, as well as though it were but yesterday, how the conversation + began. General Sherman looked sternly at me and said: + </p> + <p> + “I wish you would overpower that butter and send it up this way.” + </p> + <p> + “All right,” said I, “if you will please pass those + molasses.” + </p> + <p> + That was all that was said, but I shall never forget it, and probably he + never will. The conversation was brief, but yet how full of food for + thought! How true, how earnest, how natural! Nothing stilted or false + about it. It was the natural expression of two minds that were too great + to be verbose or to monkey with social, conversational flapdoodle. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: AN ENCOUNTER WITH THE BUTTER.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8055}.jpg" alt="{8055} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8055}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I remember, once, a great while ago, I was asked by a friend to go with + him in the evening to the house of an acquaintance, where they were going + to have a kind of musicale, at which there was to be some noted pianist, + who had kindly consented to play a few strains, I did not get the name of + the professional, but I went, and when the first piece was announced I saw + that the light was very uncertain, so I kindly volunteered to get a lamp + from another room. I held that big lamp, weighing about twenty-nine + pounds, for half an hour, while the pianist would tinky tinky up on the + right hand, or bang, boomy to bang down on the bass, while he snorted and + slugged that old concert grand piano and almost knocked its teeth down its + throat, or gently dawdled with the keys like a pale moonbeam shimmering + through the bleached rafters of a deceased horse, until at last there was + a wild jangle, such as the accomplished musician gives to an instrument to + show the audience that he has disabled the piano, and will take a slight + intermission while it is sent to the junk shop. + </p> + <p> + With a sigh of relief I carefully put down the twenty-nine pound lamp, and + my friend told me that I had been standing there like liberty enlightening + the world, and holding that heavy lamp for Blind Tom. + </p> + <p> + I had never seen him before, and I slipped out of the room before he had a + chance to see me. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Concerning Coroners. + </h2> + <p> + I am glad to notice that in the East there is a growing disfavor in the + public mind for selecting a practicing physician for the office of + coroner. This matter should have attracted attention years ago. Now it + gratifies me to notice a finer feeling on the part of the people, and an + awakening of those sensibilities which go to make life more highly prized + and far more enjoyable. + </p> + <p> + I had the misfortune at one time to be under the medical charge of a + coroner who had graduated from a Chicago morgue and practiced medicine + along with his inquest business with the most fiendish delight. I do not + know which he enjoyed best, holding the inquest or practicing on his + patient and getting the victim ready for the quest. + </p> + <p> + One day he wrote out a prescription and left it for me to have filled. I + was surprised to find that he had made a mistake and left a rough draft of + the verdict in my own case and a list of jurors which he had made in + memorandum, so as to be ready for the worst. I was alarmed, for I did not + know that I was in so dangerous a condition. He had the advantage of me, + for he knew just what he was giving me, and how long human life could be + sustained under his treatment. I did not. + </p> + <p> + That is why I say that the profession of medicine should not be allowed to + conflict with the solemn duties of the coroner. They are constantly + clashing and infringing upon each other's territory. This coroner + had a kind of tread-softly-bow-the-head way of getting around the room + that made my flesh creep. He had a way, too, when I was asleep, of + glancing hurriedly through the pockets of my pantaloons as they hung over + a chair, probably to see what evidence he could find that might aid the + jury in arriving at a verdict. Once I woke up and found him examining a + draft that he had found in my pocket. I asked him what he was doing with + my funds, and he said that he thought he detected a draft in the room and + he had just found out where it came from. + </p> + <p> + After that I hoped that death would come to my relief as speedily as + possible. I felt that death would be a happy release from the cold touch + of the amateur coroner and pro tem physician. I could look forward with + pleasure, and even joy, to the moment when my physician would come for the + last time in his professional capacity and go to work on me officially. + Then the county would be obliged to pay him, and the undertaker could take + charge of the fragments left by the inquest. + </p> + <p> + The duties of the physician are with the living, those of the coroner with + the dead. No effort, therefore, should be made to unite them. It is in + violation of all the finer feelings of humanity. When the physician + decides that his tendencies point mostly toward immortality and the names + of his patients are nearly all found on the moss-covered stones of the + cemetery, he may abandon the profession with safety and take hold of + politics. Then, should his tastes lead him to the inquest, let him + gravitate toward the office of coroner; but the two should not be united. + </p> + <p> + No man ought to follow his fellow down the mysterious river that defines + the boundary between the known and the unknown, and charge him + professionally till his soul has fled, and then charge a per diem to the + county for prying into his internal economy and holding an inquest over + the debris of mortality. I therefore hail this movement with joy and wish + to encourage it in every way. It points toward a degree of enlightenment + which will be in strong contrast with the darker and more ignorant epochs + of time, when the practice of medicine was united with the profession of + the barber, the well-digger, the farrier, the veterinarian or the coroner. + </p> + <p> + Why, this physician plenipotentiary and coroner extraordinary that I have + referred to, didn't know when he got a call whether to take his + morphine syringe or his venire for a jury. He very frequently went to see + a patient with a lung tester under one arm and the revised statutes under + the other. People never knew when they saw him going to a neighbor's + house, whether the case had yielded to the coroner's treatment or + not. No one ever knew just when over-taxed nature would yield to the + statutes in such case made and provided. + </p> + <p> + When the jury was impanelled, however, we always knew that the medical + treatment had been successfully fatal. + </p> + <p> + Once he charged the county with an inquest he felt sure of, but in the + night the patient got delirious, eluded his nurse, the physician and + coroner, and fled to the foot-hills, where he was taken care of and + finally recovered. + </p> + <p> + The experiences of some of the patients who escaped from this man read + more like fiction than fact. One man revived during the inquest, knocked + the foreman of the jury through the window, kicked the coroner in the + stomach, fed him a bottle of violet ink, and, with a shriek of laughter, + fled. He is now traveling under an assumed name with a mammoth circus, + feeding his bald head to the African lion twice a day at $9 a week and + found. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0058}.jpg" alt="{0058}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0058}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0019" id="link2H_4_0019"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Down East Rum. + </h2> + <p> + Rum has always been a curse to the State of Maine. The steady fight that + Maine has made, for a century past, against decent rum, has been worthy of + a better cause. + </p> + <p> + Who hath woe? who hath sorrow and some more things of that kind? He that + monkeyeth with Maine rum; he that goeth to seek emigrant rum. + </p> + <p> + In passing through Maine the tourist is struck with the ever-varying + styles of mystery connected with the consumption of rum. + </p> + <p> + In Denver your friend says: “Will you come with me and shed a tear?” + or “Come and eat a clove with me.” + </p> + <p> + In Salt Lake City a man once said to me: “William, which would you + rather do, take a dose of Gentile damnation down here on the corner, or go + over across the street and pizen yourself with some real old Mormon Valley + tan, made last week from ground feed and prussic acid?” I told him + that I had just been to dinner, and the doctor had forbidden my drinking + any more, and that I had promised several people on their death beds never + to touch liquor, and besides, I had just taken a large drink, so he would + have to excuse me. + </p> + <p> + But in Maine none of these common styles of invitation prevail. It is all + shrouded in mystery. You give the sign of distress to any member in good + standing, pound three times on the outer gate, give two hard kicks and one + soft one on the inner door, give the password, “Rutherford B. Hayes,” + turn to the left, through a dark passage, turn the thumbscrew of a + mysterious gas fixture 90 deg. to the right, holding the goblet of the + encampment under the gas fixture, then reverse the thumbscrew, shut your + eyes, insult your digester, leave twenty-five cents near the gas fixture, + and hunt up the nearest cemetery, so that you will not have to be carried + very far. + </p> + <p> + If a man really wants to drink himself into a drunkard's grave, he + can certainly save time by going to Maine. Those desiring the most prompt + and vigorous style of jim-jams at cut rates will do well to examine Maine + goods before going elsewhere. Let a man spend a week in Boston, where the + Maine liquor law, I understand, is not in force, and then, with no warning + whatever, be taken into the heart of Maine; let him land there a stranger + and a partial orphan, with no knowledge of the underground methods of + securing a drink, and to him the world seems very gloomy, very sad, and + extremely arid. + </p> + <p> + At the Bangor depot a woman came up to me and addressed me. She was rather + past middle age, a perfect lady in her manners, but a little full. + </p> + <p> + I said: “Madam, I guess you will have to excuse me. You have the + advantage. I can't just speak your name at this moment. It has been + now thirty years since I left Maine, a child two years old. So people have + changed. You've no idea how people have grown out of my knowledge. I + don't see but you look just as young as you did when I went away, + but I'm a poor hand to remember names, so I can't just call + you to mind.” + </p> + <p> + She was perfectly ladylike in her manner, but a little bit drunk. It is + singular how drunken people will come hundreds of miles to converse with + me. I have often been alluded to as the “drunkard's friend.” + Men have been known to get intoxicated and come a long distance to talk + with me on some subject, and then they would lean up against me and + converse by the hour. A drunken man never seems to get tired of talking + with me. As long as I am willing to hold such a man up and listen to him, + he will stand and tell me about himself with the utmost confidence, and, + no matter who goes by, he does not seem to be ashamed to have people see + him talking with me. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THAT BUTTONHOLE.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9060}.jpg" alt="{9060}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9060}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I once had a friend who was very much liked by every one, so he drifted + into politics. For seven years he tried to live on free whiskey and + popular approval, but it wrecked him at last. Finally he formed the habit + of meeting me every day and explaining it to me, and giving me free + exhibitions of a breath that he had acquired at great expense. After he + got so feeble that he could not walk any more, this breath of his used to + pull him out of bed and drag him all over town. It don't seem hardly + possible, but it is so. I can show you the town yet. + </p> + <p> + He used to take me by the buttonhole when he conversed with me. This is a + diagram of the buttonhole. + </p> + <p> + If I had a son I would warn him against trying to subsist solely on + popular approval and free whiskey. It may do for a man engaged solely in + sedentary pursuits, but it is not sufficient in cases of great muscular + exhaustion. Free whiskey and popular approval on an empty stomach are + highly injurious. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Railway Etiquette. + </h2> + <p> + Many people have traveled all their lives and yet do not know how to + behave themselves when on the road. For the benefit and guidance of such, + these few crisp, plain, horse-sense rules of etiquette have been framed. + </p> + <p> + In traveling by rail on foot, turn to the right on discovering an + approaching train. If you wish the train to turn out, give two loud toots + and get in between the rails, so that you will not muss up the right of + way. Many a nice, new right of way has been ruined by getting a pedestrian + tourist spattered all over its first mortgage. + </p> + <p> + On retiring at night on board the train, do not leave your teeth in the + ice-water tank. If every one should do so, it would occasion great + confusion in case of wreck. It would also cause much annoyance and delay + during the resurrection. Experienced tourists tie a string to their teeth + and retain them during the night. + </p> + <p> + If you have been reared in extreme poverty, and your mother supported you + until you grew up and married, so that your wife could support you, you + will probably sit in four seats at the same time, with your feet extended + into the aisles so that you can wipe them off on other people, while you + snore with your mouth open clear to your shoulder blades. + </p> + <p> + If you are prone to drop to sleep and breathe with a low death rattle, + like the exhaust of a bath tub, it would be a good plan to tie up your + head in a feather bed and then insert the whole thing in the linen closet; + or, if you cannot secure that, you might stick it out of the window and + get it knocked off against a tunnel. The stockholders of the road might + get mad about it, but you could do it in such a way that they wouldn't + know whose head it was. + </p> + <p> + Ladies and gentlemen should guard against traveling by rail while in a + beastly state of intoxication. + </p> + <p> + In the dining car, while eating, do not comb your moustache with your + fork. By all means do not comb your moustache with the fork of another. It + is better to refrain altogether from combing the moustache with a fork + while traveling, for the motion of the train might jab the fork into your + eye and irritate it. + </p> + <p> + If your desert is very hot and you do not discover it until you have + burned the rafters out of the roof of your mouth, do not utter a wild yell + of agony and spill your coffee all over a total stranger, but control + yourself, hoping to know more next time. + </p> + <p> + In the morning is a good time to find out how many people have succeeded + in getting on the passenger train, who ought to be in the stock car. + </p> + <p> + Generally, you will find one male and one female. The male goes into the + wash room, bathes his worthless carcass from daylight until breakfast + time, walking on the feet of any man who tries to wash his face during + that time. He wipes himself on nine different towels, because when he gets + home, he knows he will have to wipe his face on an old door mat. People + who have been reared on hay all their lives, generally want to fill + themselves full of pie and colic when they travel. + </p> + <p> + The female of this same mammal, goes into the ladies' department and + remains there until starvation drives her out. Then the real ladies have + about thirteen seconds apiece in which to dress. + </p> + <p> + If you never rode in a varnished car before, and never expect to again, + you will probably roam up and down the car, meandering over the feet of + the porter while he is making up the berths. This is a good way to let + people see just how little sense you had left after your brain began to + soften. + </p> + <p> + In traveling, do not take along a lot of old clothes that you know you + will never wear. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + B. Franklin, Deceased. + </h2> + <p> + Benjamin Franklin, formerly of Boston, came very near being an only child. + If seventeen children had not come to bless the home of Benjamin's + parents, they would have been childless. Think of getting up in the + morning and picking out your shoes and stockings from among seventeen + pairs of them. Imagine yourself a child, gentle reader, in a family where + you would be called upon, every morning, to select your own cud of spruce + gum from a collection of seventeen similar cuds stuck on a window sill. + And yet B. Franklin never murmured or repined. He desired to go to sea, + and to avoid this he was apprenticed to his brother James, who was a + printer. It is said that Franklin at once took hold of the great + Archimedean lever, and jerked it early and late in the interests of + freedom. It is claimed that Franklin at this time invented the deadly + weapon known as the printer's towel. He found that a common crash + towel could be saturated with glue, molasses, antimony, concentrated lye, + and roller composition, and that after a few years of time and + perspiration it would harden so that the “Constant Reader” or + “Veritas” could be stabbed with it and die soon. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A DEADLY ONSLAUGHT.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8063}.jpg" alt="{8063} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8063}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Many believe that Franklin's other scientific experiments were + productive of more lasting benefit to mankind than this, but I do not + agree with them. + </p> + <p> + This paper was called the <i>New England Courant</i>. It was edited + jointly by James and Benjamin Franklin, and was started to supply a + long-felt want. Benjamin edited a part of the time and James a part of the + time. The idea of having two editors was not for the purpose of giving + volume to the editorial page, but it was necessary for one to run the + paper while the other was in jail. In those days you couldn't sass + the king, and then, when the king came in the office the next day and + stopped his paper, and took out his ad., you couldn't put it off on + “our informant” and go right along with the paper. You had to + go to jail, while your subscribers wondered why their paper did not come, + and the paste soured in the tin dippers in the sanctum, and the circus + passed by on the other side. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: STOPPING HIS PAPER.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9064}.jpg" alt="{9064}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9064}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + How many of us to-day, fellow journalists, would be willing to stay in + jail while the lawn festival and the kangaroo came and went? Who, of all + our company, would go to a prison cell for the cause of freedom while a + double-column ad. of sixteen aggregated circuses, and eleven congresses of + ferocious beasts, fierce and fragrant from their native lair, went by us? + </p> + <p> + At the age of 17, Ben got disgusted with his brother, and went to + Philadelphia and New York, where he got a chance to “sub” for + a few weeks, and then got a regular “sit.” Franklin was a good + printer, and finally got to be a foreman. He made an excellent foreman, + sitting by the hour in the composing room and spitting on the stone, while + he cussed the make-up and press work of the other papers. Then he would go + into the editorial rooms and scare the editors to death with a wild shriek + for more copy. He knew just how to conduct himself as a foreman, so that + strangers would think he owned the paper. + </p> + <p> + In 1730, at the age of 24, Franklin married and established the <i>Pennsylvania + Gazette</i>. He was then regarded as a great man, and most everyone took + his paper. Franklin grew to be a great journalist, and spelled hard words + with great fluency. He never tried to be a humorist in any of his + newspaper work, and everybody respected him. + </p> + <p> + Along about 1746 he began to study the construction and habits of + lightning, and inserted a local in his paper, in which he said that he + would be obliged to any of his readers who might notice any new or odd + specimens of lightning, if they would send them into the <i>Gazette</i> + office by express for examination. Every time there was a thunder storm, + Franklin would tell the foreman to edit the paper, and, armed with a + string and an old fruit jar, he would go out on the hills and get enough + lightning for a mess. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “HOW'S TRADE?"} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8065}.jpg" alt="{8065} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8065}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + In 1753 Franklin was made postmaster-general of the colonies. He made a + good postmaster-general, and people say there were less mistakes in + distributing their mail than there has ever been since. If a man mailed a + letter in those days, old Ben Franklin saw that it went where it was + addressed. + </p> + <p> + Franklin frequently went over to England in those days, partly on + business, and partly to shock the king. He used to delight in going to the + castle with his breeches tucked in his boots, figuratively speaking, and + attract a good deal of attention. It looked odd to the English, of course, + to see him come into the royal presence, and, leaving his wet umbrella up + against the throne, ask the king: “How's trade?” + Franklin never put on any frills, but he was not afraid of a crowned head. + He used to say, frequently, that to him a king was no more than a seven + spot. + </p> + <p> + He did his best to prevent the Revolutionary war, but he couldn't do + it, Patrick Henry had said that the war was inevitable, and given it + permission to come, and it came. He also went to Paris and got acquainted + with a few crowned heads there. They thought a good deal of him in Paris, + and offered him a corner lot if he would build there and start a paper. + They also promised him the county printing, but he said no, he would have + to go back to America, or his wife might get uneasy about him. + </p> + <p> + Franklin wrote “Poor Richard's Almanac” in 1732-57, and + it was republished in England. Benjamin Franklin had but one son, and his + name was William. William was an illegitimate son, and, though he lived to + be quite an old man, he never got over it entirely, but continued to be + but an illegitimate son all his life. Everybody urged him to do + differently, but he steadily refused to do so. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Life Insurance as a Health Restorer. + </h2> + <p> + Life insurance is a great thing. I would not be without it. My health is + greatly improved since I got my new policy. Formerly I used to have a + seal-brown taste in my mouth when I arose in the morning, but that has + entirely disappeared. I am more hopeful and happy, and my hair is getting + thicker on top. I would not try to keep house without life insurance. Last + September I was caught in one of the most destructive cyclones that ever + visited a republican form of government. A great deal of property was + destroyed and many lives were lost, but I was spared. People who had no + insurance were mowed down on every hand, but aside from a broken leg I was + entirely unharmed. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PROTECTED BY LIFE INSURANCE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8067}.jpg" alt="{8067} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8067}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I look upon life insurance as a great comfort, not only to the + beneficiary, but to the insured, who very rarely lives to realize anything + pecuniarily from his venture. Twice I have almost raised my wife to + affluence and cast a gloom over the community in which I lived, but + something happened to the physician for a few days so that he could not + attend to me, and I recovered. For nearly two years I was under the doctor's + care. He had his finger on my pulse or in my pocket all the time. He was a + young western physician, who attended me on Tuesdays and Fridays. The rest + of the week he devoted his medical skill to horses that were mentally + broken down. He said he attended me largely for my society. I felt + flattered to know that he enjoyed my society after he had been thrown + among horses all the week that had much greater advantages than I. + </p> + <p> + My wife at first objected seriously to an insurance on my life, and said + she would never, never touch a dollar of the money if I were to die, but + after I had been sick nearly two years, and my disposition had suffered a + good deal, she said that I need not delay the obsequies on that account. + But the life insurance slipped through my fingers somehow, and I + recovered. + </p> + <p> + In these days of dynamite and roller rinks, and the gory meat-ax of a new + administration, we ought to make some provision for the future. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Opium Habit. + </h2> + <p> + I have always had a horror of opiates of all kinds. They are so seductive + and so still in their operations. They steal through the blood like a wolf + on the trail, and they seize upon the heart at last with their white fangs + till it is still forever. + </p> + <p> + Up the Laramie there is a cluster of ranches at the base of the Medicine + Bow, near the north end of Sheep Mountain, and in sight of the glittering, + eternal frost of the snowy range. These ranches are the homes of the young + men from Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Ohio, and now there are several + “younger sons” of Old England, with herds of horses, steers + and sheep, worth millions of dollars. These young men are not of the kind + of whom the metropolitan ass writes as saying “youbetcherlife,” + and calling everybody “pardner.” They are many of them college + graduates, who can brand a wild Maverick or furnish the easy gestures for + a Strauss waltz. + </p> + <p> + They wear human clothes, talk in the United States language, and have a + bank account. This spring they may be wearing chaparajos and swinging a + quirt through the thin air, and in July they may be at Long Branch, or + coloring a meerschaum pipe among the Alps. + </p> + <p> + Well, a young man whom we will call Curtis lived at one of these ranches + years ago, and, though a quiet, mind-your-own-business fellow, who had + absolutely no enemies among his companions, he had the misfortune to incur + the wrath of a tramp sheep-herder, who waylaid Curtis one afternoon and + shot him dead as he sat in his buggy. Curtis wasn't armed. He didn't + dream of trouble till he drove home from town, and, as he passed through + the gates of a corral, saw the hairy face of the herder, and at the same + moment the flash of a Winchester rifle. That was all. + </p> + <p> + A rancher came into town and telegraphed to Curtis' father, and then + a half dozen citizens went out to help capture the herder, who had fled to + the sage brush of the foot-hills. + </p> + <p> + They didn't get back till toward daybreak, but they brought the + herder with them, I saw him in the gray of the morning, lying in a coarse + gray blanket, on the floor of the engine house. He was dead. + </p> + <p> + I asked, as a reporter, how he came to his death, and they told me—opium! + I said, did I understand you to say “ropium?” They said no, it + was opium. The murderer had taken poison when he found that escape was + impossible. + </p> + <p> + I was present at the inquest, so that I could report the case. There was + very little testimony, but all the evidence seemed to point to the fact + that life was extinct, and a verdict of death by his own hand was + rendered. + </p> + <p> + It was the first opium work I had ever seen, and it aroused my curiosity. + Death by opium, it seems, leaves a dark purple ring around the neck. I did + not know this before. People who die by opium also tie their hands + together before they die. This is one of the eccentricities of opium + poisoning that I have never seen laid down in the books. I bequeath it to + medical science. Whenever I run up against a new scientific discovery, I + just hand it right over to the public without cost. + </p> + <p> + Ever since the above incident, I have been very apprehensive about people + who seem to be likely to form the opium habit. It is one of the most + deadly of narcotics, especially in a new country. High up in the pure + mountain atmosphere, this man could not secure enough air to prolong life, + and he expired. In a land where clear, crisp air and delightful scenery + are abundant, he turned his back upon them both and passed away. Is it not + sad to contemplate? + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + More Paternal Correspondence. + </h2> + <p> + My dear son.—I tried to write to you last week, but didn't get + around to it, owing to circumstances. I went away on a little business + tower for a few days on the cars, and then when I got home the sociable + broke loose in our once happy home. + </p> + <p> + While on my commercial tower down the Omehaw railroad buying a new + well-diggin' machine of which I had heard a good deal pro and con, I + had the pleasure of riding on one of them sleeping-cars that we read so + much about. + </p> + <p> + I am going on 50 years old, and that's the first time I ever + slumbered at the rate of forty-five miles per hour, including stops. + </p> + <p> + I got acquainted with the porter, and he blacked my boots in the night + unbeknownst to me, while I was engaged in slumber. He must have thought + that I was your father, and that we rolled in luxury at home all the time, + and that it was a common thing for us to have our boots blacked by + menials. When I left the car this porter brushed my clothes till the hot + flashes ran up my spinal column, and I told him that he had treated me + square, and I rung his hand when he held it out toards me, and I told him + that at any time he wanted a good, cool drink of buttermilk, to just + holler through our telephone. We had the sociable at our house last week, + and when I got home your mother set me right to work borryin' chairs + and dishes. She had solicited some cakes and other things. I don't + know whether you are on the skedjule by which these sociables are run or + not. The idea is a novel one to me. + </p> + <p> + The sisters in our set, onct in so often, turn their houses wrong side out + for the purpose of raising four dollars to apply on the church debt. When + I was a boy we worshiped with less frills than they do now. Now it seems + that the debt is a part of the worship. + </p> + <p> + Well, we had a good time and used up 150 cookies in a short time. Part of + these cookies was devoured and the balance was trod into our all-wool + carpet. Several of the young people got to playing Copenhagen in the + setting-room and stepped on the old cat in such a way as to disfigure him + for life. They also had a disturbance in the front room and knocked off + some of the plastering. + </p> + <p> + So your mother is feeling slim and I am not very chipper myself. I hope + that you are working hard at your books so that you will be an ornament to + society. Society is needing some ornaments very much. I sincerely hope + that you will not begin to monkey with rum. I should hate to have you with + a felon's doom or fill a drunkard's grave. If anybody has got + to fill a drunkard's grave, let him do it himself. What has the + drunkard ever done for you, that you should fill his grave for him? + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: ROUGH ON THE OLD CAT.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0072}.jpg" alt="{0072}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0072}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I expect you to do right, as near as possible. You will not do exactly + right all the time, but try to strike a good average. I do not expect you + to let your studies encroach, too much on your polo, but try to unite the + two so that you will not break down under the strain. I should feel sad + and mortified to have you come home a physical wreck. I think one physical + wreck in a family is enough, and I am rapidly getting where I can do the + entire physical wreck business for our neighborhood. + </p> + <p> + I see by your picture that you have got one of them pleated coats with a + belt around it, and short pants. They make you look as you did when I used + to spank you in years gone by, and I feel the same old desire to do it now + that I did then. Old and feeble as I am, it seems to me as though I could + spank a boy that wears knickerbocker pants buttoned onto a Garabaldy waist + and a pleated jacket. If it wasn't for them cute little camel's + hair whiskers of yours I would not believe that you had grown to be a + large, expensive boy, grown up with thoughts. Some of the thoughts you + express in your letters are far beyond your years. Do you think them + yourself, or is there some boy in the school that thinks all the thoughts + for the rest? + </p> + <p> + Some of your letters are so deep that your mother and I can hardly grapple + with them. One of them, especially, was so full of foreign stuff that you + had got out of a bill of fare, that we will have to wait till you come + home before we can take it in. I can talk a little Chippewa, but that is + all the foreign language I am familiar with. When I was young we had to + get our foreign languages the best we could, so I studied Chippewa without + a master. A Chippewa chief took me into his camp and kept me there for + some time while I acquired his language. He became so much attached to me + that I had great difficulty in coming away. I wish you would write in the + United States dialect as much as possible, and not try to paralize your + parents with imported expressions that come too high for poor people. + </p> + <p> + Remember that you are the only boy we've got, and we are only going + through the motions of living here for your sake. For us the day is + wearing out, and it is now way long into the shank of the evening. All we + ask of you is to improve on the old people. You can see where I fooled + myself, and you can do better. Read and write, and sifer, and polo, and + get nolledge, and try not to be ashamed of your uncultivated parents. + </p> + <p> + When you get that checkered little sawed-off coat on, and that pair of + knee panties, and that poker-dot necktie, and the sassy little boys holler + “rats” when you pass by, and your heart is bowed down, + remember that, no matter how foolish you may look, your parents will never + sour on you. + </p> + <p> + Your Father. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Twombley's Tale. + </h2> + <p> + My name is Twombley, G.O.P. Twombley is my full name and I have had a + checkered career. I thought it would be best to have my career checked + right through, so I did so. + </p> + <p> + My home is in the Wasatch Mountains. Far up, where I can see the long, + green, winding valley of the Jordan, like a glorious panorama below me, I + dwell. I keep a large herd of Angora goats. That is my business. The + Angora goat is a beautiful animal—in a picture. But out of a picture + he has a style of perspiration that invites adverse criticism. + </p> + <p> + Still, it is an independent life, and one that has its advantages, too. + </p> + <p> + When I first came to Utah, I saw one day, in Salt Lake City, a young girl + arrive. She was in the heyday of life, but she couldn't talk our + language. Her face was oval; rather longer than it was wide, I noticed, + and, though she was still young, there were traces of care and other + foreign substances plainly written there. + </p> + <p> + She was an emigrant, about seventeen years of age, and, though she had + been in Salt Lake City an hour and a half, she was still unmarried. + </p> + <p> + She was about the medium height, with blue eyes, that somehow, as you + examined them carefully in the full, ruddy light of a glorious September + afternoon, seemed to resemble each other. Both of them were that way, + </p> + <p> + I know not what gave me the courage, but I stepped to her side, and in a + low voice told her of my love and asked her to be mine. + </p> + <p> + She looked askance at me. Nobody ever did that to me before and lived to + tell the tale. But her sex made me overlook it. Had she been any other sex + that I can think of, I would have resented it. But I would not strike a + woman, especially when I had not been married to her and had no right to + do so. + </p> + <p> + I turned on my heel and I went away. I most always turn on my heel when I + go away. If I did not turn on my own heel when I went away, whose heel + would a lonely man like me turn upon? + </p> + <p> + Years rolled by. I did nothing to prevent it. Still that face came to me + in my lonely hut far up in the mountains. That look still rankled in my + memory. Before that my memory had been all right. Nothing had ever rankled + in it very much. Let the careless reader who never had his memory rankle + in hot weather, pass this by. This story is not for him. + </p> + <p> + After our first conversation we did not meet again for three years, and + then by the merest accident. I had been out for a whole afternoon, hunting + an elderly goat that had grown childish and irresponsible. He had wandered + away, and for several days I had been unable to find him. So I sought for + him till darkness found me several miles from my cabin. I realized at once + that I must hurry back, or lose my way and spend the night in the + mountains. The darkness became more rapidly obvious. My way became more + and more uncertain. + </p> + <p> + Finally I fell down an old prospect shaft. I then resolved to remain where + I was until I could decide what was best to be done. If I had known that + the prospect shaft was there, I would have gone another way. There was + another way that I could have gone, but it did not occur to me until too + late. + </p> + <p> + I hated to spend the next few weeks in the shaft, for I had not locked up + my cabin when I left it, and I feared that someone might get in while I + was absent and play on the piano. I had also set a batch of bread and two + hens that morning, and all of these would be in sad knead of me before I + could get my business into such shape that I could return. + </p> + <p> + I could not tell accurately how long I had been in the shaft, for I had no + matches by which to see my watch. I also had no watch. + </p> + <p> + All at once, someone fell down the shaft. I knew that it was a woman, + because she did not swear when she landed at the bottom. Still, this could + be accounted for in another way. She was unconscious when I picked her up. + </p> + <p> + I did not know what to do, I was perfectly beside myself, and so was she. + I had read in novels that when a woman became unconscious people generally + chafed her hands, but I did not know whether I ought to chafe the hands of + a person to whom I had never been introduced. + </p> + <p> + I could have administered alcoholic stimulants to her but I had neglected + to provide myself with them when I fell down the shaft. This should be a + warning to people who habitually go around the country without alcoholic + stimulants. + </p> + <p> + Finally she breathed a long sigh and murmured, “where am I?” I + told her that I did not know, but wherever it might be, we were safe, and + that whatever she might say to me, I would promise her, should go no + farther. + </p> + <p> + Then there was a long pause. + </p> + <p> + To encourage further conversation I asked her if she did not think we had + been having a rather backward spring. She said we had, but she prophesied + a long, open fall. + </p> + <p> + Then there was another pause, after which I offered her a seat on an old + red empty powder can. Still, she seemed shy and reserved. I would make a + remark to which she would reply briefly, and then there would be a pause + of a little over an hour. Still it seemed longer. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly the idea of marriage presented itself to my mind. If we never got + out of the shaft, of course an engagement need not be announced. No one + had ever plighted his or her troth at the bottom of a prospect shaft + before. It was certainly unique, to say the least. I suggested it to her. + </p> + <p> + She demurred to this on the ground that our acquaintance had been so + brief, and that we had never been thrown together before. I told her that + this would be no objection, and that my parents were so far away that I + did not think they would make any trouble about it. + </p> + <p> + She said that she did not mind her parents so much as she did the violent + temper of her husband. + </p> + <p> + I asked her if her husband had ever indulged in polygamy. She replied that + he had, frequently. He had several previous wives. I convinced her that in + the eyes of the law, and under the Edmunds bill, she was not bound to him. + Still she feared the consequences of his wrath. + </p> + <p> + Then I suggested a desperate plan. We would elope! + </p> + <p> + I was now thirty-seven years old, and yet had never eloped. Neither had + she. So, when the first streaks of rosy dawn crept across the soft, + autumnal sky and touched the rich and royal coloring on the rugged sides + of the grim old mountains, we got out of the shaft and eloped. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0026" id="link2H_4_0026"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + On Cyclones. + </h2> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9077}.jpg" alt="{9077}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9077}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I desire to state that my position as United States Cyclonist for this + Judicial District is now vacant. I resigned on the 9th day of September, + A.D. 1884. + </p> + <p> + I have not the necessary personal magnetism to look a cyclone in the eye + and make it quail. I am stern and even haughty in my intercourse with men, + but when a Manitoba simoon takes me by the brow of my pantaloons and + throws me across Township 28, Range 18, West of the 5th Principal + Meridian, I lose my mental reserve and become anxious and even taciturn. + For thirty years I had yearned to see a grown up cyclone, of the + ring-tail-puller variety, mop up the green earth with huge forest trees + and make the landscape look tired. On the 9th day of September, A.D. 1884, + my morbid curiosity was gratified. + </p> + <p> + As the people came out into the forest with lanterns and pulled me out of + the crotch of a basswood tree with a “tackle and fall,” I + remember I told them I didn't yearn for any more atmospheric + phenomena. The old desire for a hurricane that would blow a cow through a + penitentiary was satiated. I remember when the doctor pried the bones of + my leg together, in order to kind of draw my attention away from the limb, + he asked me how I liked the fall style of Zephyr in that locality. + </p> + <p> + I said it was all right, what there was of it. I said this in a tone of + bitter irony. + </p> + <p> + Cyclones are of two kinds, viz: the dark maroon cyclone; and the iron gray + cyclone with pale green mane and tail. It was the latter kind I frolicked + with on the above-named date. + </p> + <p> + My brother and I were riding along in the grand old forest, and I had just + been singing a few bars from the opera of “Whoop 'em Up, + Lizzie Jane,” when I noticed that the wind was beginning to sough + through the trees. Soon after that, I noticed that I was soughing through + the trees also, and I am really no slouch of a sougher, either, when I get + started. + </p> + <p> + The horse was hanging by the breeching from the bough of a large butternut + tree, waiting for some one to come and pick him. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WAITING TO BE PICKED.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9078}.jpg" alt="{9078}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9078}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I did not see my brother at first, but after a while he disengaged himself + from a rail fence and came where I was hanging, wrong end up, with my + personal effects spilling out of my pockets. I told him that as soon as + the wind kind of softened down, I wished he would go and pick the horse. + He did so, and at midnight a party of friends carried me into town on a + stretcher. It was quite an ovation. To think of a torchlight procession + coming way out there into the woods at midnight, and carrying me into town + on their shoulders in triumph! And yet I was once only a poor boy! + </p> + <p> + It shows what may be accomplished by anyone if he will persevere and + insist on living a different life. + </p> + <p> + The cyclone is a natural phenomenon, enjoying the most robust health. It + may be a pleasure for a man with great will power and an iron constitution + to study more carefully into the habits of the cyclone, but as far as I am + concerned, individually, I could worry along some way if we didn't + have a phenomenon in the house from one year's end to another. + </p> + <p> + As I sit here, with my leg in a silicate of soda corset, and watch the + merry throng promenading down the street, or mingling in the giddy + torchlight procession, I cannot repress a feeling toward a cyclone that + almost amounts to disgust. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Arabian Language. + </h2> + <p> + The Arabian language belongs to what is called the Semitic or Shemitic + family of languages, and, when written, presents the appearance of a + general riot among the tadpoles and wrigglers of the United States. + </p> + <p> + The Arabian letter “jeem” or “jim,” which + corresponds with our J, resembles some of the spectacular wonders seen by + the delirium tremons expert. I do not know whether that is the reason the + letter is called jeem or jim, or not. + </p> + <p> + The letter “sheen” or “shin,” which is some like + our “sh” in its effect, is a very pretty letter, and enough of + them would make very attractive trimming for pantalets or other clothing. + The entire Arabic alphabet, I think, would work up first-rate into + trimming for aprons, skirts, and so forth. + </p> + <p> + Still it is not so rich in variety as the Chinese language. A Chinaman who + desires to publish a paper in order to fill a long felt want, must have a + small fortune in order to buy himself an alphabet. In this country we get + a press, and then, if we have any money left, we lay it out in type; but + in China the editor buys himself an alphabet and then regards the press as + a mere annex. If you go to a Chinese type maker and ask him to show you + his goods, he will ask you whether you want a two or a three story + alphabet. + </p> + <p> + The Chinese compositor spends most of his time riding up and down the + elevator, seeking for letters and dusting them off with a feather duster. + In large and wealthy offices the compositor sits at his case with the copy + before him, and has five or six boys running from one floor to another, + bringing him the letters of this wild and peculiar alphabet. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes they have to stop in the middle of a long editorial and send + down to Hong Kong and have a letter cast specially for that editorial. + </p> + <p> + Chinese compositors soon die from heart disease, because they have to run + up stairs and down so much in order to get the different letters needed. + </p> + <p> + One large publisher tried to have his case arranged in a high building + without floors, so that the compositor could reach each type by means of a + long pole, but one day there was a slight earthquake shock that spilled + the entire alphabet out of the case, all over the floor, and although that + was ninety-seven years ago last April, there are still two bushels of pi + on the floor of that office. The paper employs rat printers, and as they + have been engaged in assorting and distributing this mass of pi, it is + called rat pi in China, and the term is quite popular. + </p> + <p> + When the editor underscores a word, the Chinese compositor charges $9 + extra for italicizing it. This is nothing more than fair, for he may have + to go all over the empire, and climb twenty-seven flights of stairs to + find the necessary italics. So it is much more economical in China to use + body type mostly in setting up a paper, and the old journalist will avoid + caps and italics, unless he is very wealthy. + </p> + <p> + Arabian literature is very rich, and more especially so in verse. How the + Arabian poets succeeded so well in writing their verse in their own + language, I can hardly understand. I find it very difficult to write + poetry which will be greedily snapped up and paid for, even when written + in the English language, but if I had to paw around for an hour to get a + button-hook for the end of the fourth line, so that it would rhyme with + the button-hook in the second line of the same verse, I believe it would + drive me mad. + </p> + <p> + The Arabian writer is very successful in a tale of fiction. He loves to + take a tale and re-write it for the press by carefully expunging the + facts. It is in lyric and romantic writing that he seems to excel. + </p> + <p> + The Arabian Nights is the most popular work that has survived the harsh + touch of time. Its age is not fully known, and as the author has been dead + several hundred years, I feel safe in saying that a number of the + incidents contained in this book are grossly inaccurate. + </p> + <p> + It has been translated several times with more or less success by various + writers, and some of the statements contained in the book are well worthy + of the advanced civilization, and wild word painting incident to a heated + presidential campaign. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Verona. + </h2> + <p> + We arrived in Verona day before yesterday. Most every one has heard of the + Two Gentlemen of Verona. This is the place they came from. They have never + returned. Verona is not noted for its gentlemen now. Perhaps that is the + reason I was regarded as such a curiosity when I came here. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE ODORS OF VERONA.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8081}.jpg" alt="{8081} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8081}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Verona is a good deal older town than Chicago, but the two cities have + points of resemblance after all. When the southern simoon from the stock + yards is wafted across the vinegar orchards of Chicago, and a load of + Mormon emigrants get out at the Rock Island depot and begin to move around + and squirm and emit the fragrance of crushed Limburger cheese, it reminds + one of Verona. + </p> + <p> + The sky is similar, too. At night, when it is raining hard, the sky of + Chicago and Verona is not dissimilar. Chicago is the largest place, + however, and my sympathies are with her. Verona has about 68,000 people + now, aside from myself. This census includes foreigners and Indians not + taxed. + </p> + <p> + Verona has an ancient skating rink, known in history as the amphitheatre, + It is 404-1/2 feet by 516 in size, and the wall is still 100 feet high in + places. The people of Verona wanted me to lecture there, but I refrained. + I was afraid that some late comers might elbow their way in and leave one + end of the amphitheatre open and then there would be a draft. I will speak + more fully on the subject of amphitheatres in another letter. There isn't + room in this one. + </p> + <p> + Verona is noted for the Capitular library, as it is called. This is said + to be the largest collection of rejected manuscripts in the world. I stood + in with the librarian and he gave me an opportunity to examine this + wonderful store of literary work. I found a Virgil that was certainly over + 1,600 years old. I also found a well preserved copy of “Beautiful + Snow.” I read it. It was very touching indeed. Experts said it was + 1,700 years old, which is no doubt correct. I am no judge of the age of + MSS. Some can look at the teeth of a literary production and tell within + two weeks how old it is, but I can't. You can also fool me on the + age of wine. My rule used to be to observe how old I felt the next day and + to fix that as the age of the wine, but this rule I find is not + infallible. One time I found myself feeling the next day as though I might + be 138 years old, but on investigation we found that the wine was + extremely new, having been made at a drug store in Cheyenne that same day. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE NEXT MORNING.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9082}.jpg" alt="{9082}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9082}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Looking these venerable MSS. over, I noticed that the custom of writing + with a violet pencil on both sides of the large foolscap sheet, and then + folding it in sixteen directions and carrying it around in the pocket for + two or three centuries, is not a late American invention, as I had been + led to suppose. They did it in Italy fifteen centuries ago. I was + permitted also to examine the celebrated institutes of Gaius. Gaius was a + poor penman, and I am convinced from a close examination of his work that + he was in the habit of carrying his manuscript around in his pocket with + his smoking tobacco. The guide said that was impossible, for smoking + tobacco was not introduced into Italy until a comparatively late day. That's + all right, however. You can't fool me much on the odor of smoking + tobacco. + </p> + <p> + The churches of Verona are numerous, and although they seem to me a little + different from our own in many ways, they resemble ours in others. One + thing that pleased me about the churches of Verona was the total absence + of the church fair and festival as conducted in America. Salvation seems + to be handed out in Verona without ice cream and cake, and the odor of + sancity and stewed oysters do not go inevitably hand in hand. I have + already been in the place more than two days and I have not yet been + invited to help lift the old church debt on the cathedral. Perhaps they + think I am not wealthy, however. In fact there is nothing about my dress + or manner that would betray my wealth. I have been in Europe now six weeks + and have kept my secret well. Even my most intimate traveling companions + do not know that I am the Laramie City postmaster in disguise. + </p> + <p> + The cathedral is a most imposing and massive pile. I quote this from the + guide book. This beautiful structure contains a baptismal font cut out of + one solid block of stone and made for immersion, with an inside diameter + of ten feet. A man nine feet high could be baptized there without injury. + The Venetians have a great respect for water. They believe it ought not to + be used for anything else but to wash away sins, and even then they are + very economical about it. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0083}.jpg" alt="{0083}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0083}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + There is a nice picture here by Titian. It looks as though it had been + left in the smoke house 900 years and overlooked. Titian painted a great + deal. You find his works here ever and anon. He must have had all he could + do in Italy in an early day, when the country was new. I like his pictures + first rate, but I haven't found one yet that I could secure at + anything like a bed rock price. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Great Upheaval. + </h2> + <p> + I have just received the following letter, which I take the liberty of + publishing, in order that good may come out of it, and that the public + generally may be on the watch: + </p> + <p> + William Nye, Esq.— + </p> + <p> + <i>Dear Sir:</i> There has been a great religious upheaval here, and great + anxiety on the part of our entire congregation, and I write to you, hoping + that you may have some suggestions to offer that we could use at this time + beneficially. + </p> + <p> + All the bitter and irreverent remarks of Bob Ingersoll have fallen + harmlessly upon the minds of our people. The flippant sneers and wicked + sarcasms of the modern infidel, wise in his own conceit, have alike passed + over our heads without damage or disaster. These times that have tried men's + souls have only rooted us more firmly in the faith, and united us more + closely as brothers and sisters. + </p> + <p> + We do not care whether the earth was made in two billion years or two + minutes, so long as it was made and we are satisfied with it. We do not + care whether Jonah swallowed the whale or the whale swallowed Jonah. None + of these things worry us in the least. We do not pin our faith on such + little matters as those, but we try to so live that when we pass on beyond + the flood we may have a record to which we may point with pride. + </p> + <p> + But last Sabbath our entire congregation was visibly moved. People who had + grown gray in this church got right up during the service and went out, + and did not come in again. Brothers who had heard all kinds of infidelity + and scorned to be moved by it, got up, and kicked the pews, and slammed + the doors, and created a young riot. + </p> + <p> + For many years we have sailed along in the most peaceful faith, and + through joy or sorrow we came to the church together to worship. We have + laughed and wept as one family for a quarter of a century, and an humble + dignity and Christian style of etiquette have pervaded our incomings and + our outgoings. + </p> + <p> + That is the reason why a clear case of disorderly conduct in our church + has attracted attention and newspaper comment. That is the reason why we + want in some public way to have the church set right before we suffer from + unjust criticism and worldly scorn. + </p> + <p> + It has been reported that one of the brothers, who is sixty years of age, + and a model Christian, and a good provider, rose during the first prayer, + and, waving his plug hat in the air, gave a wild and blood-curdling whoop, + jumped over the back of his pew, and lit out. While this is in a measure + true, it is not accurate. He did do some wild and startling jumping, but + he did not jump over the pew. He tried to, but failed. He was too old. + </p> + <p> + It has also been stated that another brother, who has done more to build + up the church and society here than any other one man of his size, threw + his hymn book across the church, and, with a loud wail that sounded like + the word “Gosh!” hissed through clenched teeth, got out + through the window and went away. This is overdrawn, though there is an + element of truth in it, and I do not try to deny it. + </p> + <p> + There were other similar strong evidences of feeling throughout the + congregation, none of which had ever been noticed before in this place. + Our clergyman was amazed and horrified. He tried to ignore the action of + the brethren, but when a sister who has grown old in our church, and been + such a model and example of rectitude that all the girls in the county + were perfectly discouraged about trying to be anywhere near equal to her; + when she rose with a wild snort, got up on the pew with her feet, and + swung her parasol in a way that indicated that she would not go home till + morning, he paused and briefly wound up the services. + </p> + <p> + Of course there were other little eccentricities on the part of the + congregation, but these were the ones that people have talked about the + most, and have done us the most damage abroad. + </p> + <p> + Now, my desire is that through the medium of the press you will state that + this great trouble which has come upon us, by reason of which the ungodly + have spoken lightly of us, was not the result of a general tendency to + dissent from the statements made by our pastor, and therefore an + exhibition of our disapproval of his doctrines, but that the janitor had + started a light fire in the furnace, and that had revived a large nest of + common, streaked, hot-nosed wasps in the warm air pipe, and when they came + up through the register and united in the services, there was more or less + of an ovation. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes Christianity gets sluggish and comatose, but not under the above + circumstances. A man may slumber on softly with his bosom gently rising + and falling, and his breath coming and going through one corner of his + mouth like the death rattle of a bath-tub, while the pastor opens out a + new box of theological thunders and fills the air full of the sullen roar + of sulphurous waves, licking the shores of eternity and swallowing up the + great multitudes of the eternally lost; but when one little wasp, with a + red-hot revelation, goes gently up the leg of that same man's + pantaloons, leaving large, hot tracks whenever he stopped and sat down to + think it over, you will see a sudden awakening and a revival that will + attract attention. + </p> + <p> + I wish that you would take this letter, Mr. Nye, and write something from + it in your own way, for publication, showing how we happened to have more + zeal than usual in the church last Sabbath, and that it was not directly + the result of the sermon which was preached on that day. + </p> + <p> + Yours, with great respect, + </p> + <p> + William Lemons. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Weeping Woman. + </h2> + <p> + I have not written much for publication lately, because I did not feel + well, I was fatigued. I took a ride on the cars last week and it shook me + up a good deal. + </p> + <p> + The train was crowded somewhat, and so I sat in a seat with a woman who + got aboard at Minkin's Siding. I noticed as we pulled out of Minkin's + Siding, that this woman raised the window so that she could bid adieu to a + man in a dyed moustache. I do not know whether he was her dolce far + niente, or her grandson by her second husband. I know that if he had been + a relative of mine, however, I would have cheerfully concealed the fact. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: SHE SOBBED SEVERAL MORE TIMES.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9087}.jpg" alt="{9087}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9087}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + She waved a little 2x6 handkerchief out of the window, said “good-bye,” + allowed a fresh zephyr from Cape Sabine to come in and play a xylophone + interlude on my spinal column, and then burst into a paroxysm of damp, hot + tears. + </p> + <p> + I had to go into another car for a moment, and when I returned a pugilist + from Chicago had my seat. When I travel I am uniformly courteous, + especially to pugilists. A pugilist who has started out as an obscure boy + with no money, no friends, and no one to practice on, except his wife or + his mother, with no capital aside from his bare hands; a man who has had + to fight his way through life, as it were, and yet who has come out of + obscurity and attracted the attention of the authorities, and won the good + will of those with whom he came in contact, will always find me cordial + and pacific. So I allowed this self-made man with the broad, high, + intellectual shoulder blades, to sit in my seat with his feet on my new + and expensive traveling bag, while I sat with the tear-bedewed memento + from Minkin's Siding. + </p> + <p> + She sobbed several more times, then hove a sigh that rattled the windows + in the car, and sat up. I asked her if I might sit by her side for a few + miles and share her great sorrow. She looked at me askance. I did not + resent it. She allowed me to take the seat, and I looked at a paper for a + few moments so that she could look me over through the corners of her + eyes. I also scrutinized her lineaments some. + </p> + <p> + She was dressed up considerably, and, when a woman dresses up to ride in a + railway train, she advertises the fact that her intellect is beginning to + totter on its throne. People who have more than one suit of clothes should + not pick out the fine raiment for traveling purposes. This person was not + handsomely dressed, but she had the kind of clothes that look as though + they had tried to present the appearance of affluence and had failed to do + so. + </p> + <p> + This leads me to say, in all seriousness, that there is nothing so sad as + the sight of a man or woman who would scorn to tell a wrong story, but who + will persist in wearing bogus clothes and bogus jewelry that wouldn't + fool anybody. + </p> + <p> + My seat-mate wore a cloak that had started out to bamboozle the American + people with the idea that it was worth $100, but it wouldn't mislead + anyone who might be nearer than half a mile. I also discovered, that it + had an air about it that would indicate that she wore it while she cooked + the pancakes and fried the doughnuts. It hardly seems possible that she + would do this, but the garment, I say, had that air about it. + </p> + <p> + She seemed to want to converse after awhile, and she began on the subject + of literature, picking up a volume that had been left in her seat by the + train boy, entitled: “Shadowed to Skowhegan and Back; or, The Child + Fiend; price $2,” we drifted on pleasantly into the broad domain of + letters. + </p> + <p> + Incidentally I asked her what authors she read mostly. + </p> + <p> + “O, I don't remember the authors so much as I do the books,” + said she; “I am a great reader. If I should tell you how much I have + read, you wouldn't believe it.” + </p> + <p> + I said I certainly would. I had frequently been called upon to believe + things that would make the ordinary rooster quail. + </p> + <p> + If she discovered the true inwardness of this Anglo-American “Jewdesprit,” + she refrained from saying anything about it. + </p> + <p> + “I read a good deal,” she continued, “and it keeps me + all strung up. I weep, O so easily.” Just then she lightly laid her + hand on my arm, and I could see that the tears were rising to her eyes. I + felt like asking her if she had ever tried running herself through a + clothes wringer every morning? I did feel that someone ought to chirk her + up, so I asked her if she remembered the advice of the editor who received + a letter from a young lady troubled the same way. She stated that she + couldn't explain it, but every little while, without any apparent + cause, she would shed tears, and the editor asked her why she didn't + lock up the shed. + </p> + <p> + We conversed for a long time about literature, but every little while she + would get me into deep water by quoting some author or work that I had + never read. I never realized what a hopeless ignoramus I was till I heard + about the scores of books that had made her shed the scalding, and yet + that I had never, never read. When she looked at me with that far-away + expression in her eyes, and with her hand resting lightly on my arm in + such a way as to give the gorgeous two karat Rhinestone from Pittsburg + full play, and told me how such works as “The New Made Grave; or The + Twin Murderers” had cost her many and many a copious tear, I told + her I was glad of it. If it be a blessed boon for the student of such + books to weep at home and work up their honest perspiration into scalding + tears, far be it from me to grudge that poor boon. + </p> + <p> + I hope that all who may read these lines, and who may feel that the pores + of their skin are getting torpid and sluggish, owing to an inherited + antipathy toward physical exertion, and who feel that they would rather + work up their perspiration into woe and shed it in the shape of common + red-eyed weep, will keep themselves to this poor boon. People have + different ways of enjoying themselves, and I hope no one will hesitate + about accepting this or any other poor boon that I do not happen to be + using at the time. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0031" id="link2H_4_0031"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Crops. + </h2> + <p> + I have just been through Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin, on a tour of + inspection. I rode for over ten days in these States in a sleeping-car, + examining crops, so that I could write an intelligent report. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9090}.jpg" alt="{9090}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9090}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Grain in Northern Wisconsin suffered severely in the latter part of the + season from rust, chintz bug, Hessian fly and trichina. In the St. Croix + valley wheat will not average a half crop. I do not know why farmers + should insist upon leaving their grain out nights in July, when they know + from the experience of former years that it will surely rust. + </p> + <p> + In Southern Wisconsin too much rain has almost destroyed many crops, and + cattle have been unable to get enough to eat, unless they were fed, for + several weeks. This is a sad outlook for the farmer at this season. + </p> + <p> + In the northern part of the State many fields of grain were not worth + cutting, while others barely yielded the seed, and even that of a very + inferior quality. + </p> + <p> + The ruta-baga is looking unusually well this fall, but we cannot subsist + entirely upon the ruta-baga. It is juicy and rich if eaten in large + quantities, but it is too bulky to be popular with the aristocracy. + </p> + <p> + Cabbages in most places are looking well, though in some quarters I notice + an epidemic of worms. To successfully raise the cabbage, it will be + necessary at all times to be well supplied with vermifuge that can be + readily administered at any hour of the day or night. + </p> + <p> + The crook-neck squash in the Northwest is a great success this season. And + what can be more beautiful, as it calmly lies in its bower of green vines + in the crisp and golden haze of autumn, than the cute little crook-neck + squash, with yellow, warty skin, all cuddled up together in the cool + morning, like the discarded wife of an old Mormon elder—his first + attempt in the matrimonial line, so to speak, ere he had gained wisdom by + experience. + </p> + <p> + The full-dress, low-neck-and-short-sleeve summer squash will be worn as + usual this fall, with trimmings of salt and pepper in front and revers of + butter down the back. + </p> + <p> + N.B.—It will not be used much as an outside wrap, but will be worn + mostly inside. + </p> + <p> + Hop-poles in some parts of Wisconsin are entirely killed. I suppose that + continued dry weather in the early summer did it. + </p> + <p> + Hop-lice, however, are looking well. Many of our best hop-breeders thought + that when the hop-pole began to wither and die, the hop-louse could not + survive the intense dry heat; but hop-lice have never looked better in + this State than they do this fall. + </p> + <p> + I can remember very well when Wisconsin had to send to Ohio for hop-lice. + Now she could almost supply Ohio and still have enough to fill her own + coffers. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: ENJOYING HIMSELF AT THE DANCE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0091}.jpg" alt="{0091}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0091}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I do not know that hop-lice are kept in coffers, and I may be wrong in + speaking thus freely of these two subjects, never having seen either a + hop-louse or a coffer, but I feel that the public must certainly and + naturally expect me to say something on these subjects. Fruit in the + Northwest this season is not a great success. Aside from the cranberry and + choke-cherry, the fruit yield in the northern district is light. The early + dwarf crab, with or without, worms, as desired—but mostly with—is + unusually poor this fall. They make good cider. This cider when put into a + brandy flask that has not been drained too dry, and allowed to stand until + Christmas, puts a great deal of expression into a country dance. I have + tried it once myself, so that I could write it up for your valuable paper. + </p> + <p> + People who were present at that dance, and who saw me frolic around there + like a thing of life, say that it was well worth the price of admission. + Stone fence always flies right to the weakest spot. So it goes right to my + head and makes me eccentric. + </p> + <p> + The violin virtuoso who “fiddled,” “called off” + and acted as justice of the peace that evening, said that I threw aside + all reserve and entered with great zest into the dance, and seemed to + enjoy it much better than those who danced in the same set with me. Since + that, the very sight of a common crab apple makes my head reel. I learned + afterward that this cider had frozen, so that the alleged cider which we + drank that night was the clear, old-fashioned brandy, which of course + would not freeze. + </p> + <p> + We should strive, however, to lead such lives that we will never be + ashamed to look a cider barrel square in the bung. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0092}.jpg" alt="{0092}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0092}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Literary Freaks. + </h2> + <p> + People who write for a livelihood get some queer propositions from those + who have crude ideas about the operation of the literary machine. There is + a prevailing idea among those who have never dabbled in literature very + much, that the divine afflatus works a good deal like a corn sheller. This + is erroneous. + </p> + <p> + To put a bushel of words into the hopper and have them come out a poem or + a sermon, is a more complicated process than it would seem to the casual + observer. + </p> + <p> + I can hardly be called literary, though I admit that my tastes lie in that + direction, and yet I have had some singular experiences in that line. For + instance, last year I received flattering overtures from three young men + who wanted me to write speeches for them to deliver on the Fourth of July. + They could do it themselves, but hadn't the time. If I would write + the speeches they would be willing to revise them. They seemed to think it + would be a good idea to write the speeches a little longer than necessary + and then the poorer parts of the effort could be cut out. Various prices + were set on these efforts, from a dollar to “the kindest regards.” + People who have squeezed through one of our adult winters in this + latitude, subsisting on kind regards, will please communicate with the + writer, stating how they like it. + </p> + <p> + One gentleman, who was in the confectionery business, wanted a lot of + “humorous notices wrote for to put into conversation candy.” + It was a big temptation to write something that would be in every lady's + mouth, but I refrained. Writing gum drop epitaphs may properly belong to + the domain of literature, but I doubt it. Surely I do not want to be + haughty and above my business, but it seems to me that this is irrelevant. + </p> + <p> + Another man wanted me to write a “piece for his boy to speak,” + and if I would do so, I could come to his house some Saturday night and + stay over Sunday. He said that the boy was “a perfect little case to + carry on and folks didn't know whether he would develop into a + condemb fool or a youmerist.” So he wanted a piece of one of them + tomfoolery kind for the little cuss to speak the last day of school. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HIS MOTTO.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9094}.jpg" alt="{9094}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9094}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + A coal dealer who had risen to affluence by selling coal to the poor by + apothecaries' weight, wrote to ask me for a design to be used as a + family crest and a motto to emblazon on his arms. I told him I had run out + of crests, but that “weight for the wagon, we'll all take a + ride,” would be a good motto; or he might use the following: “The + fuel and his money are soon parted.” He might emblazon this on his + arms, or tattoo it on any other part of his system where he thought it + would be becoming to his complexion. I never heard from him again, and I + do not know whether he was offended or not. + </p> + <p> + Two young men in Massachusetts wrote me a letter in which they said they + “had a good thing on mother.” They wanted it written up in a + facetious vein. They said that their father had been on the coast a few + weeks before, engaged in the eeling industry. Being a good man, but + partially full, he had mingled himself in the flowing tide and got + drowned. Finally, after several days' search, the neighbors came in + sadly and told the old lady thai they had found all that was mortal of + James, and there were two eels in the remains. They asked for further + instructions as to deceased. The old lady swabbed out her weeping eyes, + braced herself against the sink and told the men to “bring in the + eels and set him again.” + </p> + <p> + The boys thought that if this could be properly written up, “it + would be a mighty good joke on mother.” I was greatly shocked when I + received this letter. It seemed to me heartless for young men to speak + lightly of their widowed mother's great woe. I wrote them how I felt + about it, and rebuked them severely for treating their mother's + grief so lightly. Also for trying to impose upon me with an old chestnut. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Father's Advice to His Son. + </h2> + <p> + My dear Henry.—Your pensive favor of the 20th inst., asking for more + means with which to persecute your studies, and also a young man from + Ohio, is at hand and carefully noted. + </p> + <p> + I would not be ashamed to have you show the foregoing sentence to your + teacher, if it could be worked, in a quiet way, so as not to look + egotistic on my part. I think myself that it is pretty fair for a man that + never had any advantages. + </p> + <p> + But, Henry, why will you insist on fighting the young man from Ohio? It is + not only rude and wrong, but you invariably get licked. There's + where the enormity of the thing comes in. + </p> + <p> + It was this young man from Ohio, named Williams, that you hazed last year, + or at least that's what I gether from a letter sent me by your + warden. He maintains that you started in to mix Mr. Williams up with the + campus in some way, and that in some way Mr. Williams resented it and got + his fangs tangled up in the bridge of your nose. + </p> + <p> + You never wrote this to me or to your mother, but I know how busy you are + with your studies, and I hope you won't ever neglect your books just + to write to us. + </p> + <p> + Your warden, or whoever he is, said that Mr. Williams also hung a + hand-painted marine view over your eye and put an extra eyelid on one of + your ears. + </p> + <p> + I wish that, if you get time, you would write us about it, because, if + there's anything I can do for you in the arnica line, I would be + pleased to do so. + </p> + <p> + The president also says that in the scuffle you and Mr. Williams swapped + belts as follows, to-wit: That Williams snatched off the belt of your + little Norfolk jacket, and then gave you one in the eye. + </p> + <p> + From this I gether that the old prez, as you faseshusly call him, is an + youmorist. He is not a very good penman, however; though, so far, his + words have all been spelled correct. + </p> + <p> + I would hate to see you permanently injured, Henry, but I hope that when + you try to tramp on the toes of a good boy simply because you are a + seanyour and he is a fresh, as you frequently state, that he will arise + and rip your little pleated jacket up the back and make your spinal colyum + look like a corderoy bridge in the spring tra la. (This is from a Japan + show I was to last week.) + </p> + <p> + Why should a seanyour in a colledge tromp onto the young chaps that come + in there to learn? Have you forgot how I fatted up the old cow and beefed + her so that you could go and monkey with youclid and algebray? Have you + forgot how the other boys pulled you through a mill pond and made you + tobogin down hill in a salt barrel with brads in it? Do you remember how + your mother went down there to nuss you for two weeks and I stayed to + home, and done my own work and the housework too and cooked my own vittles + for the whole two weeks? + </p> + <p> + And now, Henry, you call yourself a seanyour, and therefore, because you + are simply older in crime, you want to muss up Mr. Williams's + features so that his mother will have to come over and nuss him. I am glad + that your little pleated coat is ripped up the back, Henry, under the + circumstances, and I am also glad that you are wearing the belt—over + your off eye. If there's anything I can do to add to the hilarity of + the occasion, please let me know and I will tend to it. + </p> + <p> + The lop-horned heifer is a parent once more, and I am trying in my poor, + weak way to learn her wayward offspring how to drink out of a patent pail + without pushing your old father over into the hay-mow. He is a cute little + quadruped, with a wild desire to have fun at my expense. He loves to + swaller a part of my coat-tail Sunday morning, when I am dressed up, and + then return it to me in a moist condition. He seems to know that when I + address the sabbath school the children will see the joke and enjoy it. + </p> + <p> + Your mother is about the same, trying in her meek way to adjust herself to + a new set of teeth that are a size too large for her. She has one large + bunion in the roof of her mouth already, but is still resolved to hold out + faithful, and hopes these few lines will find you enjoying the same great + blessing. + </p> + <p> + You will find inclosed a dark-blue money-order for four eighty-five. It is + money that I had set aside to pay my taxes, but there is no novelty about + paying taxes. I've done that before, so it don't thrill me as + it used to. + </p> + <p> + Give my congratulations to Mr. Williams. He has got the elements of + greatness to a wonderful degree. If I happened to be participating in that + colledge of yours, I would gently but firmly decline to be tromped onto. + </p> + <p> + So good-bye for this time. + </p> + <p> + Your Father. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Eccentricity in Lunch. + </h2> + <p> + Over at Kasota Junction, the other day, I found a living curiosity. He was + a man of about medium height, perhaps 45 years of age, of a quiet + disposition, and not noticeable or peculiar in his general manner. He runs + the railroad eating-house at that point, and the one odd characteristic + which he has, makes him well known all through three or four States. I + could not illustrate his eccentricity any better than by relating a + circumstance that occurred to me at the Junction last week. I had just + eaten breakfast there and paid for it. I stepped up to the cigar case and + asked this man if he had “a rattling good cigar.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE ANTIQUE LUNCH.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8097}.jpg" alt="{8097} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8097}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Without knowing it I had struck the very point upon which this man seems + to be a crank, if you will allow me that expression, though it doesn't + fit very well in this place. He looked at me in a sad and subdued manner + and said, “No, sir; I haven't a rattling good cigar in the + house. I have some cigars there that I bought for Havana fillers, but they + are mostly filled with pieces of Colorado Maduro overalls. There's a + box over yonder that I bought for good, straight ten cent cigars, but they + are only a chaos of hay and Flora, Fino and Damfino, all socked into a + Wisconsin wrapper. Over in the other end of the case is a brand of cigars + that were to knock the tar out of all other kinds of weeds, according to + the urbane rustler who sold them to me, and then drew on me before I could + light one of them. Well, instead of being a fine Colorado Claro with a + high-priced wrapper, they are common Mexicano stinkaros in a Mother + Hubbard wrapper. The commercial tourist who sold me those cigars and then + drew on me at sight was a good deal better on the draw than his cigars + are. If you will notice, you will see that each cigar has a spinal column + to it, and this outer debris is wrapped around it. One man bought a cigar + out of that box last week. I told him, though, just as I am telling you, + that they were no good, and if he bought one he would regret it. But he + took one and went out on the veranda to smoke it. Then he stepped on a + melon rind and fell with great force on his side. When we picked him up he + gasped once or twice and expired. We opened his vest hurriedly and found + that, in falling, this bouquet de Gluefactoro cigar, with the spinal + column, had been driven through his breast bone and had penetrated his + heart. The wrapper of the cigar never so much as cracked.” + </p> + <p> + “But doesn't it impair your trade to run on in this wild, + reckless way about your cigars?” + </p> + <p> + “It may at first, but not after awhile. I always tell people what my + cigars are made of, and then they can't blame me; so, after awhile + they get to believe what I say about them. I often wonder that no cigar + man ever tried this way before. I do just the same way about my lunch + counter. If a man steps up and wants a fresh ham sandwich I give it to him + if I've got it, and if I haven't it I tell him so. If you turn + my sandwiches over, you will find the date of its publication on every + one. If they are not fresh, and I have no fresh ones, I tell the customer + that they are not so blamed fresh as the young man with the gauze + moustache, but that I can remember very well when they were fresh, and if + his artificial teeth fit him pretty well he can try one. + </p> + <p> + “It's just the same with boiled eggs. I have a rubber dating + stamp, and as soon as the eggs are turned over to me by the hen for + inspection, I date them. Then they are boiled and another date in red is + stamped on them. If one of my clerks should date an egg ahead, I would + fire him too quick. + </p> + <p> + “On this account, people who know me will skip a meal at Missouri + Junction, in order to come here and eat things that are not clouded with + mystery. I do not keep any poor stuff when I can help it, but if I do, I + don't conceal the horrible fact. + </p> + <p> + “Of course a new cook will sometimes smuggle a late date onto a + mediaeval egg and sell it, but he has to change his name and flee. + </p> + <p> + “I suppose that if every eating-house should date everything, and be + square with the public, it would be an old story and wouldn't pay; + but as it is, no one trying to compete with me, I do well out of it, and + people come here out of curiosity a good deal. + </p> + <p> + “The reason I try to do right and win the public esteem is that the + general public never did me any harm and the majority of people who travel + are a kind that I may meet in a future state. I should hate to have a + thousand traveling men holding nuggets of rancid ham sandwiches under my + nose through all eternity, and know that I had lied about it. It's + an honest fact, if I knew I'd got to stand up and apologize for my + hand-made, all-around, seamless pies, and quarantine cigars, Heaven would + be no object.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0035" id="link2H_4_0035"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Insomnia in Domestic Animals. + </h2> + <p> + If there be one thing above another that I revel in, it is science. I have + devoted much of my life to scientific research, and though it hasn't + made much stir in the scientific world so far, I am positive that when I + am gone the scientists of our day will miss me, and the red-nosed theorist + will come and shed the scalding tear over my humble tomb. + </p> + <p> + My attention was first attracted to insomnia as the foe of the domestic + animal, by the strange appearance of a favorite dog named Lucretia Borgia. + I did not name this animal Lucretia Borgia. He was named when I purchased + him. In his eccentric and abnormal thirst for blood he favored Lucretia, + but in sex he did not. I got him partly because he loved children. The + owner said Lucretia Borgia was an ardent lover of children, and I found + that he was. He seemed to love them best in the spring of the year, when + they were tender. He would have eaten up a favorite child of mine, if the + youngster hadn't left a rubber ball in his pocket which clogged the + glottis of Lucretia till I could get there and disengage what was left of + the child. + </p> + <p> + Lucretia soon after this began to be restless. He would come to my + casement and lift up his voice, and howl into the bosom of the silent + night. At first I thought that he had found some one in distress, or + wanted to get me out of doors and save my life. I went out several nights + in a weird costume that I had made up of garments belonging to different + members of my family. I dressed carefully in the dark and stole out to + kill the assassin referred to by Lucretia, but he was not there. Then the + faithful animal would run up to me and with almost human, pleading eyes, + bark and run away toward a distant alley. I immediately decided that some + one was suffering there. I had read in books about dogs that led their + masters away to the suffering and saved people's lives; so, when + Lucretia came to me with his great, honest eyes and took little mementoes + out of the calf of my leg, and then galloped off seven or eight blocks, I + followed him in the chill air of night and my Mosaic clothes. I wandered + away to where the dog stopped behind a livery stable, and there, lying in + a shuddering heap on the frosty ground, lay the still, white features of a + soup bone that had outlived its usefulness. + </p> + <p> + On the way back, I met a physician who had been up town to swear in an + American citizen who would vote twenty-one years later, if he lived. The + physician stopped me and was going to take me to the home of the + friendless, when he discovered who I was. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: EXCITING PUBLIC CURIOSITY.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0101}.jpg" alt="{0101}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0101}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + You wrap a tall man, with a William H. Seward nose, in a flannel robe, cut + plain, and then put a plug hat and a sealskin sacque and Arctic overshoes + on him, and put him out in the street, under the gaslight, with his trim, + purple ankles just revealing themselves as he madly gallops after a + hydrophobia infested dog, and it is not, after all, surprising that people's + curiosity should be a little bit excited. + </p> + <p> + After I had introduced myself to the physician and asked him for a cigar, + explaining that I could not find any in the clothes I had on, I asked him + about Lucretia Borgia. I told the doctor how Lucretia seemed restless + nights and nervous and irritable days, and how he seemed to be almost a + mental wreck, and asked him what the trouble was. + </p> + <p> + He said it was undoubtedly “insomnia.” He said that it was a + bad case of it, too. I told him I thought so myself. I said I didn't + mind the insomnia that Lucretia had so much as I did my own. I was getting + more insomnia on my hands than I could use. + </p> + <p> + He gave me something to administer to Lucretia. He said I must put it in a + link of sausage and leave the sausage where it would appear that I didn't + want the dog to get it, and then Lucretia would eat it greedily. + </p> + <p> + I did so. It worked well so far as the administration of the remedy was + concerned, but it was fatal to my little, high strung, yearnful dog. It + must have contained something of a deleterious character, for the next + morning a coarse man took Lucretia Borgia by the tail and laid him where + the violets blow. Malignant insomnia is fast becoming the great foe to the + modern American dog. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Along Lake Superior. + </h2> + <p> + I have just returned from a brief visit to Duluth. After strolling along + the Bay of Naples and watching old Vesuvius vomit red-hot mud, vapor and + other campaign documents, Duluth is quite a change. The ice in the bay at + Duluth was thirty-eight inches in depth when I left there the last week in + March, and we rode across it with the utmost impunity. By the time these + lines fall beneath the eye of the genial, courteous and urbane reader, the + new railroad bridge across the bay, over a mile and a half long, will have + been completed, so that you may ride from Chicago to Duluth over the + Northwestern and Omaha railroads with great comfort. I would be glad to + digress here and tell about the beauty of the summer scenery along the + Omaha road, and the shy and beautiful troutlet, and the dark and silent + Chippewa squawlet and her little bleached out pappooselet, were it not for + the unkind and cruel thrusts that I would invoke from the scenery cynic + who believes that a newspaper man's opinions may be largely warped + with a pass. + </p> + <p> + Duluth has been joked a good deal, but she stands it first-rate and takes + it good naturedly. She claims 16,000 people, some of whom I met at the + opera house there. If the rest of the 16,000 are as pleasant as those I + conversed with that evening, Duluth must be a pleasant place to live in. + Duluth has a very pleasant and beautiful opera house that seats 1,000 + people. A few more could have elbowed their way into the opera house the + evening that I spoke there, but they preferred to suffer on at home. + </p> + <p> + Lake Superior is one of the largest aggregations of fresh wetness in the + world, if not the largest. When I stop to think that some day all this + cold, cold water will have to be absorbed by mankind, it gives me a cramp + in the geographical center. + </p> + <p> + Around the west end of Lake Superior there is a string of towns which + stretches along the shore for miles under one name or another, all waiting + for the boom to strike and make the northern Chicago. You cannot visit + Duluth or Superior without feeling that at any moment the tide of trade + will rise and designate the point where the future metropolis of the + northern lakes is to be. I firmly believe that this summer will decide it, + and my guess is that what is now known as West Superior is to get the + benefit. For many years destiny has been hovering over the west end of + this mighty lake, and now the favored point is going to be designated. + Duluth has past prosperity and expensive improvements in her favor, and in + fact the whole locality is going to be benefited, but if I had a block in + West Superior with a roller rink on it, I would wear my best clothes every + day and claim to be a millionaire in disguise. Ex-President R. B. Hayes + has a large brick block in Duluth, but he does not occupy it. Those who go + to Duluth hoping to meet Mr. Hayes will be bitterly disappointed. + </p> + <p> + The streams that run into Lake Superior are alive with trout, and next + summer I propose to go up there and roast until I have so thoroughly + saturated my system with trout that the trout bones will stick out through + my clothes in every direction and people will regard me as a beautiful + toothpick holder. + </p> + <p> + Still there will be a few left for those who think of going up there. All + I will need will be barely enough to feed Albert Victor and myself from + day to day. People who have never seen a crowned head with a peeled nose + on it are cordially invited to come over and see us during office hours. + Albert is not at all haughty, and I intend to throw aside my usual reserve + this summer also—for the time. P. Wales' son and I will be far + from the cares that crowd so thick and fast on greatness. People who come + to our cedar bark wigwam to show us their mosquito bites, will be received + as cordially as though no great social chasm yawned between us. + </p> + <p> + Many will meet us in the depths of the forest and go away thinking that we + are just common plugs of whom the world wots not; but there is where they + will fool themselves. + </p> + <p> + Then, when the season is over, we will come back into the great maelstrom + of life, he to wait for his grandmother's overshoes and I to thrill + waiting millions from the rostrum with my “Tale of the Broncho Cow.” + And so it goes with us all. Adown life's rugged pathway some must + toil on from daylight to dark to earn their meagre pittance as kings, + while others are born to wear a swallow-tail coat every evening and wring + tears of genuine anguish from their audiences. + </p> + <p> + They tell some rather wide stories about people who have gone up there + total physical wrecks and returned strong and well. One man said that he + knew a young college student, who was all run down and weak, go up there + on the Brule and eat trout and fight mosquitoes a few months, and when he + returned to his Boston home he was so stout and well and tanned up that + his parents did not know him. There was a man in our car who weighed 300 + pounds. He seemed to be boiling out through his clothes everywhere. He was + the happiest looking man I ever saw. All he seemed to do in this life was + to sit all day and whistle and laugh and trot his stomach, first on one + knee and then on the other. + </p> + <p> + He said that he went up into the pine forests of the Great Lake region a + broken-down hypochondriac and confirmed consumptive. He had been measured + for a funeral sermon three times, he said, and had never used either of + them. He knew a clergyman named Brayley who went up into that region with + Bright's justly celebrated disease. He was so emaciated that he + couldn't carry a watch. The ticking of the watch rattled his bones + so that it made him nervous, and at night they had to pack him in cotton + so that he wouldn't break a leg when he turned over. He got to + sleeping out nights on a bed of balsam and spruce boughs and eating + venison and trout. + </p> + <p> + When he came down in the spring, he passed through a car of lumbermen and + one of them put a warm, wet quid of tobacco in his plug hat for a joke. + There were a hundred of these lumbermen when the preacher began, and when + the train got into Eau Claire there were only three of them well enough to + go around to the office and draw their pay. + </p> + <p> + This is just as the story was given to me and I repeat it to show how + bracing the climate near Superior is. Remember, if you please, that I do + not want the story to be repeated as coming from me, for I have nothing + left now but my reputation for veracity, and that has had a very hard + winter of it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + I Tried Milling. + </h2> + <p> + I think I was about 18 years of age when I decided that I would be a + miller, with flour on my clothes and a salary of $200 per month. This was + not the first thing I had decided to be, and afterward changed my mind + about. + </p> + <p> + I engaged to learn my profession of a man called Sam Newton, I believe; at + least I will call him that for the sake of argument. My business was to + weigh wheat, deduct as much as possible on account of cockle, pigeon grass + and wild buckwheat, and to chisel the honest farmer out of all he would + stand. This was the programme with Mr. Newton; but I am happy to say that + it met with its reward, and the sheriff afterward operated the mill. + </p> + <p> + On stormy days I did the book-keeping, with a scoop shovel behind my ear, + in a pile of middlings on the fifth floor. Gradually I drifted into doing + a good deal of this kind of brain work. I would chop the ice out of the + turbine wheel at 5 o'clock A.M., and then frolic up six flights of + stairs and shovel shorts till 9 o'clock P.M. + </p> + <p> + By shoveling bran and other vegetables 16 hours a day, a general knowledge + of the milling business may be readily obtained. I used to scoop middlings + till I could see stars, and then I would look out at the landscape and + ponder. + </p> + <p> + I got so that I piled up more ponder, after a while, than I did middlings. + </p> + <p> + One day the proprietor came up stairs and discovered me in a brown study, + whereupon he cursed me in a subdued Presbyterian way, abbreviated my + salary from $26 per month to $18 and reduced me to the ranks. + </p> + <p> + Afterward I got together enough desultory information so that I could + superintend the feed stone. The feed stone is used to grind hen feed and + other luxuries. One day I noticed an odor that reminded me of a hot + overshoe trying to smother a glue factory at the close of a tropical day. + I spoke to the chief floor walker of the mill about it, and he said + “dod gammit” or something that sounded like that, in a course + and brutal manner. He then kicked my person in a rude and hurried tone of + voice, and told me that the feed stone was burning up. + </p> + <p> + He was a very fierce man, with a violent and ungovernable temper, and, + finding that I was only increasing his brutal fury, I afterward resigned + my position. I talked it over with the proprietor, and both agreed that it + would be best. He agreed to it before I did, and rather hurried up my + determination to go. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE MADE IT AN OBJECT FOR ME TO GO.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8107}.jpg" alt="{8107} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8107}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I rather hated to go so soon, but he made it an object for me to go, and I + went. I started in with the idea that I would begin at the bottom of the + ladder, as it were, and gradually climb to the bran bin by my own + exertions, hoping by honesty, industry, and carrying two bushels of wheat + up nine flights of stairs, to become a wealthy man, with corn meal in my + hair and cracked wheat in my coat pocket, but I did not seem to accomplish + it. + </p> + <p> + Instead of having ink on my fingers and a chastened look of woe on my + clear-cut Grecian features, I might have poured No. 1 hard wheat and + buckwheat flour out of my long taper ears every night, if I had stuck to + the profession. Still, as I say, it was for another man's best good + that I resigned. The head miller had no control over himself and the + proprietor had rather set his heart on my resignation, so it was better + that way. + </p> + <p> + Still I like to roll around in the bran pile, and monkey in the cracked + wheat. I love also to go out in the kitchen and put corn meal down the + back of the cook's neck while my wife is working a purple silk + Kensington dog, with navy blue mane and tail, on a gothic lambrequin. + </p> + <p> + I can never cease to hanker for the rumble and grumble of the busy mill, + and the solemn murmur of the millstones and the machinery are music to me. + More so than the solemn murmur of the proprietor used to be when he came + in at an inopportune moment, and in that impromptu and extemporaneous + manner of his, and found me admiring the wild and beautiful scenery. He + may have been a good miller, but he had no love for the beautiful. Perhaps + that is why he was always so cold and cruel toward me. My slender, willowy + grace and mellow, bird-like voice never seemed to melt his stony heart. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0038" id="link2H_4_0038"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Our Forefathers. + </h2> + <p> + Seattle, W.T., December 12.—I am up here on the Sound in two senses. + I rode down to-day from Tacoma on the Sound, and to-night I shall lecture + at Frye's Opera House. + </p> + <p> + Seattle is a good town. The name lacks poetic warmth, but some day the man + who has invested in Seattle real estate will have reason to pat himself on + the back and say “ha ha,” or words to that effect. The city is + situated on the side of a large hill and commands a very fine view of that + world's most calm and beautiful collection of water, Puget Sound. + </p> + <p> + I cannot speak too highly of any sheet of water on which I can ride all + day with no compunction of digestion. He who has tossed for days upon the + briny deep, will understand this and appreciate it; even if he never + tossed upon the angry deep, if it happened to be all he had, he will be + glad to know that the Sound is a good piece of water to ride on. The + gentle reader who has crossed the raging main and borrowed high-priced + meals of the steamship company for days and days, will agree with me that + when we can find a smooth piece of water to ride on we should lose no time + in crossing it. + </p> + <p> + In Washington Territory the women vote. That is no novelty to me, of + course, for I lived in Wyoming for seven years where women vote, and I + held office all the time. And still they say that female voters are poor + judges of men, and that any pleasing $2 adonis who comes along and asks + for their suffrages will get them. + </p> + <p> + Not much!!! + </p> + <p> + Woman is a keen and correct judge of mental and moral worth. Without + stopping to give logical reasons for her course, perhaps, she still + chooses with unerring judgment at the polls. + </p> + <p> + Anyone who doubts this statement, will do well to go to the old poll books + in Wyoming and examine my overwhelming majorities—with a powerful + magnifier. + </p> + <p> + I have just received from Boston a warm invitation to be present in that + city on Forefathers' day, to take part in the ceremonies and join in + the festivities of that occasion. + </p> + <p> + Forefathers, I thank you! Though this reply will not reach you for a long + time, perhaps, I desire to express to you my deep appreciation of your + kindness, and, though I can hardly be regarded as a forefather myself, I + assure you that I sympathize with you. + </p> + <p> + Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to be with you on this day of + your general jubilee and to talk over old times with you. + </p> + <p> + One who has never experienced the thrill of genuine joy that wakens a man + to a glad realization of the fact that he is a forefather, cannot + understand its full significance. You alone know how it is yourself, you + can speak from experience. + </p> + <p> + In fancy's dim corridors I see you stand, away back in the early + dawn of our national day, with the tallow candle drooping and dying in its + socket, as you waited for the physician to come and announce to you that + you were a forefather. + </p> + <p> + Forefathers; you have done well. Others have sought to outdo you and wrest + the laurels from your brow, but they did not succeed. As forefathers you + have never been successfully scooped. + </p> + <p> + I hope that you will keep up your justly celebrated organization. If a + forefather allows his dues to get in arrears, go to him kindly and ask him + like a brother to put up. If he refuses to do so, fire him. There is no + reason why a man should presume upon his long standing as a forefather to + become insolent to other forefathers who are far his seniors. As a rule, I + notice it is the young amateur forefather who has only been so a few days, + in fact, who is arrogant and disobedient. + </p> + <p> + I have often wished that we could observe Forefathers' day more + generally in the West. Why we should allow the Eastern cities to outdo us + in this matter while we hold over them in other ways, I cannot understand. + Our church sociables and homicides in the West will compare favorably with + those of the effeter cities of the Atlantic slope. Our educational + institutions and embezzlers are making rapid strides, especially our + embezzlers. We are cultivating a certain air of refinement and haughty + reserve which enables us at times to fool the best judges. Many of our + Western people have been to the Atlantic seaboard and remained all summer + without falling into the hands of the bunko artist. A cow gentleman friend + of mine who bathed his plump limbs in the Atlantic last summer during the + day, and mixed himself up in the mazy dance at night, told me on his + return that he had enjoyed the summer immensely, but that he had returned + financially depressed. + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said I, with an air of superiority which I often assume + while talking to men who know more than I do, “you fell into the + hands of the cultivated confidence man?” + </p> + <p> + “No, William,” he said sadly, “worse than that. I + stopped at a seaside hotel. Had I gone to New York City and hunted up the + gentlemanly bunko man and the Wall street dealer in lamb's pelts, as + my better judgment prompted, I might have returned with funds. Now I am + almost insolvent. I begin life again with great sorrow, and the same old + Texas steer with which I went into the cattle industry five years ago.” + </p> + <p> + But why should we, here in the West, take readily to all other + institutions common to the cultured East and ignore the forefather + industry? I now make this public announcement, and will stick to it, viz: + I will be one of ten full-blooded American citizens to establish a branch + forefather's lodge in the West, with a separate fund set aside for + the benefit of forefathers who are no longer young. Forefathers are just + as apt to become old and helpless as anyone else. Young men who + contemplate becoming forefathers should remember this. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + In Acknowledgement. + </h2> + <p> + To The Metropolitan Guide Publishing Co., New York. + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen.—I received the copy of your justly celebrated “Guide + to rapid Affluence, or How to Acquire Wealth Without Mental Exertion,” + price twenty-five cents. It is a great boon. + </p> + <p> + I have now had this book sixteen weeks, and, as I am wealthy enough, I + return it. It is not much worn, and if you will allow me fifteen cents for + it, I would be very grateful. It is not the intrinsic value of the fifteen + cents that I care for so much, but I would like it as a curiosity. + </p> + <p> + The book is wonderfully graphic and thorough in all its details, and I was + especially pleased with its careful and useful recipe for ointments. One + style of ointment spoken of and recommended by your valuable book, is + worthy of a place in history. I made some of it according to your formula. + I tried it on a friend of mine. He wore it when he went away, and he has + not as yet returned. I heard, incidentally, that it adhered to him. People + who have examined it say that it retains its position on his person + similar to a birthmark. + </p> + <p> + Your cement does not have the same peculiarity. It does everything but + adhere. Among other specialties it effects a singular odor. It has a + fragrance that ought to be utilized in some way. Men have harnessed the + lightning, and it seems to me that the day is not far distant when a man + will be raised up who can control this latent power. Do you not think that + possibly you have made a mistake and got your ointment and cement formula + mixed? Your cement certainly smells like a corrupt administration in a + warm room. + </p> + <p> + Your revelations in the liquor manufacture, and how to make any mixed + drink with one hand tied, is well worth the price of the book. The chapter + on bar etiquette is also excellent. Very few men know how to properly + enter a bar-room and what to do after they arrive. How to get into a + bar-room without attracting attention, and how to get out without police + interference, are points upon which our American drunkards are lamentably + ignorant. How to properly address a bar tender, is also a page that no + student of good breeding could well omit. + </p> + <p> + I was greatly surprised to read how simple the manufacture of drinks under + your formula is. You construct a cocktail without liquor and then rob + intemperance of its sting. You also make all kinds of liquor without the + use of alcohol, that demon under whose iron heel thousands of our sons and + brothers go down to death and delirium annually. Thus you are doing a good + work. + </p> + <p> + You also unite aloes, tobacco and Rough on Rats, and, by a happy + combination, construct a style of beer that is non-intoxicating. + </p> + <p> + No one could, by any possible means, become intoxicated on your justly + celebrated beer. He would not have time. Before he could get inebriated he + would be in the New Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + Those who drink your beer will not fill drunkards' graves. They will + close their career and march out of this life with perforated stomachs and + a look of intense anguish. + </p> + <p> + Your method of making cider without apples is also frugal and ingenious. + Thousands of innocent apple worms annually lose their lives in the + manufacture of cider. They are also, in most instances, wholly unprepared + to die. By your method, a style of wormless cider is constructed that + would not fool anyone. It tastes a good deal like rain water that was + rained about the first time that any raining was ever done, and was + deprived of air ever since. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HOW TO WIN AFFECTION.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0113}.jpg" alt="{0113}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0113}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + The closing chapter on the subject of “How to win the affections of + the opposite sex at sixty yards,” is first-rate. It is wonderful + what triumph science and inventions have wrenched from obdurate + conditions! Only a few years ago, a young man had to work hard for weeks + and months in order to win the love of a noble young woman. Now, with your + valuable and scholarly work, price twenty-five cents, he studies over the + closing chapter an hour or two, then goes out into society and gathers in + his victim. And yet I do not grudge the long, long hours I squandered in + those years when people were in heathenish darkness. I had no book like + yours to tell me how to win the affections of the opposite sex. I could + only blunder on, week after week and yet I do not regret it. It was just + the school I needed. It did me good. + </p> + <p> + Your book will, no doubt, be a good thing for those who now grope, but I + have groped so long that I have formed the habit and prefer it. Let me go + right on groping. Those who desire to win the affections of the opposite + sex at one sitting, will do well to send two bits for your great work, but + I am in no hurry. My time is not valuable. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Preventing a Scandal. + </h2> + <p> + Boys should never be afraid or ashamed to do little odd jobs by which to + acquire money. Too many boys are afraid, or at least seem to be + embarrassed when asked to do chores, and thus earn small sums of money. In + order to appreciate wealth we must earn it ourselves. That is the reason I + labor. I do not need to labor. My parents are still living, and they + certainly would not see me suffer for the necessities of life. But life in + that way would not have the keen relish that it would if I earned the + money myself. + </p> + <p> + Sawing wood used to be a favorite pastime with boys twenty years ago. I + remember the first money I ever earned was by sawing wood. My brother and + myself were to receive $5 for sawing five cords of wood. We allowed the + job to stand, however, until the weather got quite warm, and then we + decided to hire a foreigner who came along that way one glorious summer + day when all nature seemed tickled and we knew that the fish would be apt + to bite. So we hired the foreigner, and while he sawed, we would bet with + him on various “dead sure things” until he got the wood sawed, + when he went away owing us fifty cents. + </p> + <p> + We had a neighbor who was very wealthy. He noticed that we boys earned our + own spending money, and he yearned to have his son try to ditto. So he + told the boy that he was going away for a few weeks and that he would give + him $2 per cord, or double price, to saw the wood. He wanted to teach the + boy to earn and appreciate his money. So, when the old man went away, the + boy secured a colored man to do the job at $1 per cord, by which process + the youth made $10. This he judiciously invested in clothes, meeting his + father at the train in a new summer suit and a speckled cane. The old man + said he could see by the sparkle in the boy's clear, honest eyes, + that healthful exercise was what boys needed. + </p> + <p> + When I was a boy I frequently acquired large sums of money by carrying + coal up two flights of stairs for wealthy people who were too fat to do it + themselves. This money I invested from time to time in side shows and + other zoological attractions. + </p> + <p> + One day I saw a coal cart back up and unload itself on the walk in such a + way as to indicate that the coal would have to be manually elevated inside + the building. I waited till I nearly froze to death, for the owner to come + along and solicit my aid. Finally he came. He smelled strong of carbolic + acid, and I afterward learned that he was a physician and surgeon. + </p> + <p> + We haggled over the price for some time, as I had to carry the coal up two + flights in an old waste paper basket and it was quite a task. Finally we + agreed. I proceeded with the work. About dusk I went up the last flight of + stairs with the last load. My feet seemed to weigh about nineteen pounds + apiece and my face was very sombre. + </p> + <p> + In the gloaming I saw my employer. He was writing a prescription by the + dim, uncertain light. He told me to put the last basketful in the little + closet off the hall and then come and get my pay. I took the coal into the + closet, but I do not know what I did with it. As I opened the door and + stepped in, a tall skeleton got down off the nail and embraced me like a + prodigal son. It fell on my neck and draped itself all over me. Its + glittering phalanges entered the bosom of my gingham shirt and rested + lightly on the pit of my stomach. I could feel the pelvis bone in the + small of my back. The room was dark, but I did not light the gas. Whether + it was the skeleton of a lady or gentleman, I never knew; but I thought, + for the sake of my good name, I would not remain. My good name and a + strong yearning for home were all that I had at that time. + </p> + <p> + So I went home. Afterwards, I learned that this physician got all his coal + carried up stairs for nothing in this way, and he had tried to get rooms + two flights further up in the building, so that the boys would have + further to fall when they made their egress. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0041" id="link2H_4_0041"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + About Portraits. + </h2> + <p> + Hudson, Wis., August 25, 1885. + </p> + <p> + Hon. William F. Vilas, Postmaster-General, Washington, D.C. + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir,—For some time I have been thinking of writing to you and + asking you how you were getting along with your department since I left + it. I did not wish to write you for the purpose of currying favor with an + administration against which I squandered a ballot last fall. Neither do I + desire to convey the impression that I would like to open a correspondence + with you for the purpose of killing time. If you ever feel like sitting + down and answering this letter in an off-hand way it would please me very + much, but do not put yourself out to do so. I wanted to ask you, however, + how you like the pictures of yourself recently published by the patent + insides. That was my principal object in writing. Having seen you before + this great calamity befell you, I wanted to inquire whether you had really + changed so much. As I remember your face, it was rather unusually + intellectual and attractive for a great man. Great men are very rarely + pretty. I guess that, aside from yourself, myself, and Mr. Evarts, there + is hardly an eminent man in the country who would be considered handsome. + But the engraver has done you a great injustice, or else you have sadly + changed since I saw you. It hardly seems possible that your nose has + drifted around to leeward and swelled up at the end, as the engraver would + have us believe. I do not believe that in a few short months the look of + firmness and conscious rectitude that I noticed could have changed to that + of indecision and vacuity which we see in some of your late portraits as + printed. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A NOSE ON THE BIAS.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8117}.jpg" alt="{8117} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8117}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I saw one yesterday, with your name attached to it, and it made my heart + ache for your family. As a resident in your State I felt humiliated. Two + of Wisconsin's ablest men have been thus slaughtered by the rude + broad-axe of the engraver. Last fall, Senator Spooner, who is also a man + with a first-class head and face, was libeled in this same reckless way. + It makes me mad, and in that way impairs my usefulness. I am not a good + citizen, husband or father when I am mad. I am a perfect simoom of wrath + at such times, and I am not responsible for what I do. + </p> + <p> + Nothing can arouse the indignation of your friends, regardless of party, + so much as the thought that while you are working so hard in the + postoffice at Washington with your coat off, collecting box rent and + making up the Western mail, the remorseless engraver and electrotyper are + seeking to down you by making pictures of you in which you appear either + as a dude or a tough. + </p> + <p> + While I have not the pleasure of being a member of your party, having + belonged to what has been sneeringly alluded to as the g.o.p., I cannot + refrain from expressing my sympathy at this time. Though we may have + differed heretofore upon important questions of political economy, I + cannot exult over these portraits. Others may gloat over these efforts to + injure you, but I do not. I am not much of a gloater, anyhow. + </p> + <p> + I leave those to gloat who are in the gloat business. + </p> + <p> + Still, it is one of the drawbacks incident to greatness. We struggle hard + through life that we may win the confidence of our fellow-men, only at + last to have pictures of ourselves printed and distributed where they will + injure us. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: ASSORTED PHYSIOGNOMY.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9118}.jpg" alt="{9118}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9118}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I desire to add before closing this letter, Mr. Vilas, that with those who + are acquainted with you and know your sterling worth, these portraits will + make no difference. We will not allow them to influence us socially or + politically. What the effect may be upon offensive partisans who are total + strangers to you, I do not know. + </p> + <p> + My theory in relation to these cuts is, that they are combined and + interchangeable, so that, with slight modifications, they are used for all + great men. The cut, with the extras that go with it, consists of one head + with hair (front view), one bald head (front view), one head with hair + (side view), one bald head (side view), one pair eyes (with glasses), one + pair eyes (plain), one Roman nose, one Grecian nose, one turn-up nose, one + set whiskers (full), one moustache, one pair side-whiskers, one chin, one + set large ears, one set medium ears, one set small ears, one set + shoulders, with collar and necktie for above, one monkey-wrench, one set + quoins, one galley, one oil can, one screwdriver. These different features + are then arranged so that a great variety of clergymen, murderers, + senators, embezzlers, artists, dynamiters, humorists, arsonists, + larcenists, poets, statesmen, base ball players, rinkists, pianists, + capitalists, bigamists and sluggists are easily represented. No newspaper + office should be without them. They are very simple, and any child can + easily learn to operate it. They are invaluable in all cases, for no one + knows at what moment a revolting crime may be committed by a comparatively + unknown man, whose portrait you wish to give, and in this age of rapid + political transformations, presentations and combinations, no enterprising + paper should delay the acquisition of a combined portrait for the use of + its readers. + </p> + <p> + Hoping that you are well, and that you will at once proceed to let no + guilty man escape, I remain, yours truly, + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Old South. + </h2> + <p> + The Old South Meeting House, in Boston, is the most remarkable structure + in many respects to be found in that remarkable city. Always eager + wherever I go to search out at once the gospel privileges, it is not to be + wondered at, that I should have gone to the Old South the first day after + I landed in Boston. + </p> + <p> + It is hardly necessary to go over the history of the Old South, except, + perhaps, to refresh the memory of those who live outside of Boston. The + Old South Society was organized in 1669, and the ground on which the old + meetinghouse now stands was given by Mrs. Norton, the widow of Rev. John + Norton, since deceased. The first structure was of wood, and in 1729 the + present brick building succeeded it. King's Handbook of Boston says: + “It is one of the few historic buildings that have been allowed to + remain in this iconoclastic age.” + </p> + <p> + So it seems that they are troubled with iconoclasts in Boston, too. I + thought I saw one hanging around the Old South on the day I was there, and + had a good notion to point him out to the authorities, but thought it was + none of my business. + </p> + <p> + I went into the building and registered, and then from force of habit or + absent-mindedness handed my umbrella over the counter and asked how soon + supper would be ready. Everybody registers, but very few, I am told, ask + how soon supper will be ready. The Old South is now run on the European + plan, however. + </p> + <p> + The old meeting-house is chiefly remarkable for the associations that + cluster around it. Two centuries hover about the ancient weather-vane and + look down upon the visitor when the weather is favorable. + </p> + <p> + Benjamin Franklin was baptized and attended worship here, prior to his + wonderful invention of lightning. Here on each succeeding Sabbath sat the + man who afterwards snared the forked lightning with a string and put it in + a jug for future generations. Here Whitefield preached and the rebels + discussed the tyranny of the British king. Warren delivered his famous + speech here upon the anniversary of the Boston massacre and the “tea + party” organized in this same building. Two hundred years ago + exactly, the British used the Old South as a military riding school, + although a majority of the people of Boston were not in favor of it. + </p> + <p> + It would be well to pause here and consider the trying situation in which + our ancestors were placed at that time. Coming to Massachusetts as they + did, at a time when the country was new and prices extremely high, they + had hoped to escape from oppression and establish themselves so far away + from the tyrant that he could not come over here and disturb them without + suffering from the extreme nausea incident to a long sea voyage. Alas, + however, when they landed at Plymouth rock there was not a decent hotel in + the place. The same stern and rock-bound coast which may be discovered + along the Atlantic sea-board to-day was there, and a cruel, relentless sky + frowned upon their endeavors. + </p> + <p> + Where prosperous cities now flaunt to the sky their proud domes and + floating debts, the rank jimson weed nodded in the wind and the pumpkin + pie of to-day still slumbered in the bosom of the future. What glorious + facts have, under the benign influence of fostering centuries, been born + of apparent impossibility. What giant certainties have grown through these + years from the seeds of doubt and discouragement and uncertainty! (Big + firecrackers and applause.) + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MR. FRANKLIN EXPERIMENTS.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8121}.jpg" alt="{8121} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8121}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + At that time our ancestors had but timidly embarked in the forefather + business. They did not know that future generations in four-button + cutaways would rise up and call them blessed and pass resolutions of + respect on their untimely death. If they stayed at home the king taxed + them all out of shape, and if they went out of Boston a few rods to get + enough huckleberries for breakfast, they would frequently come home so + full of Indian arrows that they could not get through a common door + without great pain. + </p> + <p> + Such was the early history of the country where now cultivation and + education and refinement run rampant and people sit up all night to print + newspapers so that we can have them in the morning. + </p> + <p> + The land on which the Old South stands is very valuable for business + purposes, and $400,000 will have to be raised in order to preserve the old + landmark to future generations. I earnestly hope that it will be secured, + and that the old meeting-house—dear not alone to the people of + Boston, but to the millions of Americans scattered from sea to sea, who + cannot forget where first universal freedom plumed its wings—will be + spared to entertain within its hospitable walls, enthusiastic and + reverential visitors for ages without end. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Knights of the Pen. + </h2> + <p> + When you come to think of it, it is surprising that so many newspaper men + write so that any one but an expert can read it. The rapid and voluminous + work, especially of daily journalism, knocks the beautiful business + college penman, as a rule, higher than a kite. I still have specimens of + my own handwriting that a total stranger could read. + </p> + <p> + I do not remember a newspaper acquaintance whose penmanship is so + characteristic of the exacting neatness and sharp, clear cut style of the + man, as is that of Eugene Field, of the Chicago <i>News</i>. As the + “Nonpareil Writer” of the Denver <i>Tribune</i>, it was a + mystery to me when he did the work which the paper showed each day as his + own. You would sometimes find him at his desk, writing on large sheets of + “print paper” with a pen and violet ink, in a hand that was as + delicate as the steel plate of a bank note and the kind of work that + printers would skirmish for. He would ask you to sit down in the chair + opposite his desk, which had two or three old exchanges thrown on it. He + would probably say, “Never mind those papers. I've read them. + Just sit down on them if you want to.” Encouraged by his hearty + manner, you would sit down, and you would continue to sit down till you + had protruded about three-fourths of your system through that hollow + mockery of a chair. Then he would run to help you out and curse the chair, + and feel pained because he had erroneously given you the ruin with no seat + to it. He always felt pained over such things. He always suffered keenly + and felt shocked over the accident until you had gone away, and then he + would sigh heavily and “set” the chair again. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE RUIN.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9123}.jpg" alt="{9123}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9123}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Frank Pixley, the editor of the San Francisco <i>Argonaut</i>, is not + beautiful, though the <i>Argonaut</i> is. He is grim and rather on the + Moses Montefiore style of countenance, but his hand-writing does not + convey the idea of the man personally, or his style of dealing with the + Chinese question. It is rather young looking, and has the uncertain manner + of an eighteen-year-old boy. + </p> + <p> + Robert J. Burdette writes a small but plain hand, though he sometimes + suffers from the savage typographical error that steals forth at such a + moment as ye think not, and disfigures and tears and mangles the bright + eyed children of the brain. + </p> + <p> + Very often we read a man's work and imagine we shall find him like + it, cheery, bright and entertaining; but we know him and find that + personally he is a refrigerator, or an egotist, or a man with a torpid + liver and a nose like a rose geranium. You will not be disappointed in Bob + Burdette, however, You think you will like him, and you always do. He will + never be too famous to be a gentleman. + </p> + <p> + George W. Peck's hand is of the free and independent order of + chirography. It is easy and natural, but not handsome. He writes very + voluminously, doing his editorial writing in two days of the week, + generally Friday and Saturday. Then he takes a rapid horse, a zealous bird + dog and an improved double barrel duck destroyer and communes with nature. + </p> + <p> + Sam Davis, an old time Californian, and now in Nevada, writes the freest + of any penman I know. When he is deliberate, he may be betrayed into + making a deformed letter and a crooked mark attached to it, which he + characterizes as a word. He puts a lot of these together and actually pays + postage on the collection under the delusion that it is a letter, that it + will reach its destination, and that it will accomplish its object. + </p> + <p> + He makes up for his bad writing, however, by being an unpublished volume + of old time anecdotes and funny experiences. + </p> + <p> + Goodwin, of the old <i>Territorial Enterprise</i>, and Mark Twain's + old employer, writes with a pencil in a methodical manner and very + plainly. The way he sharpens a “hard medium” lead pencil and + skins the apostle of the so-called Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day + Saints, makes my heart glad. Hardly a day passes that his life is not + threatened by the low browed thumpers of Mormondom, and yet the old war + horse raises the standard of monogamy and under the motto, “One + country, one flag and one wife at a time,” he smokes his old + meerschaum pipe and writes a column of razor blades every day. He is the + buzz saw upon which polygamy has tried to sit. Fighting these rotten + institutions hand to hand and fighting a religious eccentricity through an + annual message, or a feeble act of congress, are two separate and distinct + things. + </p> + <p> + If I had a little more confidence in my longevity than I now have, I would + go down there to the Valley of the Jordan, and I would gird up my loins, + and I would write with that lonely warrior at Salt Lake, and with the aid + and encouragement of our brethren of the press who do not favor the right + of one man to marry an old woman's home, we would rotten egg the + bogus Temple of Zion till the civilized world, with a patent clothes pin + on its nose, would come and see what was the matter. + </p> + <p> + I see that my zeal has led me away from my original subject, but I haven't + time to regret it now. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Wild Cow. + </h2> + <p> + When I was young and used to roam around over the country, gathering + water-melons in the light of the moon, I used to think I could milk + anybody's cow, but I do not think so now. I do not milk a cow now + unless the sign is right, and it hasn't been right for a good many + years. The last cow I tried to milk was a common cow, born in obscurity; + kind of a self-made cow. I remember her brow was low, but she wore her + tail high and she was haughty, oh, so haughty. + </p> + <p> + I made a common-place remark to her, one that is used in the very best of + society, one that need not have given offence anywhere. I said “So”—and + she “soed.” Then I told her to “hist” and she + histed. But I thought she overdid it. She put too much expression in it. + </p> + <p> + Just then I heard something crash through the window of the barn and fall + with a dull, sickening thud on the outside. The neighbors came to see what + it was that caused the noise. They found that I had done it in getting + through the window. + </p> + <p> + I asked the neighbors if the barn was still standing. They said it was. + Then I asked if the cow was injured much. They said she seemed to be quite + robust. Then I requested them to go in and calm the cow a little, and see + if they could get my plug hat off her horns. + </p> + <p> + I am buying all my milk now of a milkman. I select a gentle milkman who + will not kick, and feel as though I could trust him. Then, if he feels as + though he could trust me, it is all right. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE WILD COW.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0127}.jpg" alt="{0127}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0127}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Spinal Meningitis. + </h2> + <p> + So many people have shown a pardonable curiosity about the above named + disease, and so few have a very clear idea of the thrill of pleasure it + affords the patient, unless they have enjoyed it themselves, that I have + decided to briefly say something in answer to the innumerable inquiries I + have received. + </p> + <p> + Up to the moment I had a notion of getting some meningitis, I had never + employed a physician. Since then I have been thrown in their society a + great deal. Most of them were very pleasant and scholarly gentlemen, who + will not soon be forgotten; but one of them doctored me first for + pneumonia, then for inflammatory rheumatism, and finally, when death was + contiguous, advised me that I must have change of scene and rest. + </p> + <p> + I told him that if he kept on prescribing for me, I thought I might depend + on both. Change of physicians, however, saved my life. This horse doctor, + a few weeks afterward, administered a subcutaneous morphine squirt in the + arm of a healthy servant girl because she had the headache, and she is now + with the rest of this veterinarian's patients in a land that is + fairer than this. + </p> + <p> + She lived six hours after she was prescribed for. He gave her change of + scene and rest. He has quite a thriving little cemetery filled with people + who have succeeded in cording up enough of his change of scene and rest to + last them through all eternity. He was called once to prescribe for a man + whose head had been caved in by a stone match-box, and, after treating the + man for asthma and blind staggers, he prescribed rest and change of scene + for him, too. The poor asthmatic is now breathing the extremely rarified + air of the New Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + Meningitis is derived from the Latin <i>Meninges</i>, membrane, and—<i>itis</i>, + an affix denoting inflammation, so that, strictly speaking, meningitis is + the inflammation of a membrane, and when applied to the spine, or + cerebrum, is called spinal meningitis, or cerebro-spinal meningitis, etc., + according to the part of the spine or brain involved in the inflammation. + Meningitis is a characteristic and result of so-called spotted fever, and + by many it is deemed identical with it. + </p> + <p> + When we come to consider that the spinal cord, or marrow, runs down + through the long, bony shaft made by the vertebrae, and that the brain and + spine, though connected, are bound up in one continuous bony wall and + covered with this inflamed membrane, it is not difficult to understand + that the thing is very hard to get at. If your throat gets inflamed, a + doctor asks you to run your tongue out into society about a yard and a + half, and he pries your mouth open with one of Rogers Brothers' + spoon handles. Then he is able to examine your throat as he would a page + of the <i>Congressional Record</i>, and to treat it with some local + application. When you have spinal meningitis, however, the doctor tackles + you with bromides, ergots, ammonia, iodine, chloral hydrate, codi, bromide + of ammonia, hasheesh, bismuth, valerianate of ammonia, morphine sulph., + nux vomica, turpentine emulsion, vox humana, rex magnus, opium, + cantharides, Dover's powders, and other bric-a-brac. These remedies + are masticated and acted upon by the salivary glands, passed down the + esophagus, thrown into the society of old gastric, submitted to the + peculiar motion of the stomach and thoroughly chymified, then forwarded + through the pyloric orifice into the smaller intestines, where they are + touched up with bile, and later on handed over through the lacteals, + thoracic duct, etc., to the vast circulatory system. Here it is yanked + back and forth through the heart, lungs and capillaries, and if anything + is left to fork over to the disease, it has to squeeze into the long, + bony, air-tight socket that holds the spinal cord. All this is done + without seeing the patient's spinal cord before or after taking. If + it could be taken out, and hung over a clothes line and cleansed with + benzine, and then treated with insect powder, or rolled in corn meal, or + preserved in alcohol, and then put back, it would be all right; but you + can't. You pull a man's spine out of his system and he is + bound to miss it, no matter how careful you have been about it. It is + difficult to keep house without the spine. You need it every time you cook + a meal. If the spinal cord could be pulled by a dentist and put away in + pounded ice every time it gets a hot-box, spinal meningitis would lose its + stinger. + </p> + <p> + I was treated by thirteen physicians, whose names I may give in a future + article. They were, as I said, men I shall long remember. One of them said + very sensibly that meningitis was generally over-doctored. I told him that + I agreed with him. I said that if I should have another year of meningitis + and thirteen more doctors, I would have to postpone my trip to Europe, + where I had hoped to go and cultivate my voice. I've got a perfectly + lovely voice, if I would take it to Europe and have it sand-papered and + varnished, and mellowed down with beer and bologna. + </p> + <p> + But I was speaking of my physicians. Some time I'm going to give + their biographies and portraits, as they did those of Dr. Bliss, Dr. + Barnes and others. Next year, if I can get railroad rates, I am going to + hold a reunion of my physicians in Chicago. It will be a pleasant + relaxation for them, and will save the lives of a large percentage of + their patients. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0046" id="link2H_4_0046"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Skimming the Milky Way. + </h2> + <p> + THE COMET. + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9131}.jpg" alt="{9131}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9131}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The comet is a kind of astronomical parody on the planet. Comets look some + like planets, but they are thinner and do not hurt so hard when they hit + anybody as a planet does. The comet was so called because it had hair on + it, I believe, but late years the bald-headed comet is giving just as good + satisfaction everywhere. + </p> + <p> + The characteristic features of a comet are: A nucleus, a nebulous light or + coma, and usually a luminous train or tail worn high. Sometimes several + tails are observed on one comet, but this occurs only in flush times. + </p> + <p> + When I was young I used to think I would like to be a comet in the sky, up + above the world so high, with nothing to do but loaf around and play with + the little new-laid planets and have a good time, but now I can see where + I was wrong. Comets also have their troubles, their perihilions, their + hyperbolas and their parabolas. A little over 300 years ago Tycho Brahe + discovered that comets were extraneous to our atmosphere, and since then + times have improved. I can see that trade is steadier and potatoes run + less to tows than they did before. + </p> + <p> + Soon after that they discovered that comets all had more or less + periodicity. Nobody knows how they got it. All the astronomers had been + watching them day and night and didn't know when they were exposed, + but there was no time to talk and argue over the question. There were two + or three hundred comets all down with it at once. It was an exciting time. + </p> + <p> + Comets sometimes live to a great age. This shows that the night air is not + so injurious to the health as many people would have us believe. The great + comet of 1780 is supposed to have been the one that was noticed about the + time of Caesar's death, 44 B.C., and still, when it appeared in + Newton's time, seventeen hundred years after its first grand + farewell tour, Ike said that it was very well preserved, indeed, and + seemed to have retained all its faculties in good shape. + </p> + <p> + Astronomers say that the tails of all comets are turned from the sun. I do + not know why they do this, whether it is etiquette among them or just a + mere habit. + </p> + <p> + A later writer on astronomy said that the substance of the nebulosity and + the tail is of almost inconceivable tenuity. He said this and then death + came to his relief. Another writer says of the comet and its tail that + “the curvature of the latter and the acceleration of the periodic + time in the case of Encke's comet indicate their being affected by a + resisting medium which has never been observed to have the slightest + influence on the planetary periods.” + </p> + <p> + I do not fully agree with the eminent authority, though he may be right. + Much fear has been the result of the comet's appearance ever since + the world began, and it is as good a thing to worry about as anything I + know of. If we could get close to a comet without frightening it away, we + would find that we could walk through it anywhere as we could through the + glare of a torchlight procession. We should so live that we will not be + ashamed to look a comet in the eye, however. Let us pay up our newspaper + subscription and lead such lives that when the comet strikes we will be + ready. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: TYCHO BRAHE AT WORK.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9132}.jpg" alt="{9132}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9132}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Some worry a good deal about the chances for a big comet to plow into the + sun some dark, rainy night, and thus bust up the whole universe. I wish + that was all I had to worry about. If any respectable man will agree to + pay my taxes and funeral expenses, I will agree to do his worrying about + the comet's crashing into the bosom of the sun and knocking its + daylights out. + </p> + <p> + THE SUN. + </p> + <p> + This luminous body is 92,000,000 miles from the earth, though there have + been mornings this winter when it seemed to me that it was further than + that. A railway train going at the rate of 40 miles per hour would be 263 + years going there, to say nothing of stopping for fuel or water, or + stopping on side tracks to wait for freight trains to pass. Several years + ago it was discovered that a slight error had been made in the + calculations of the sun's distance from the earth, and, owing to a + misplaced logarithm, or something of that kind, a mistake of 3,000,000 + miles was made in the result. People cannot be too careful in such + matters. Supposing that, on the strength of the information contained in + the old time-table, a man should start out with only provisions sufficient + to take him 89,000,000 miles and should then find that 3,0000,000 miles + still stretched out ahead of him. He would then have to buy fresh figs of + the train boy in order to sustain life. Think of buying nice fresh figs on + a train that had been <i>en route</i> 250 years! + </p> + <p> + Imagine a train boy starting out at ten years of age, and perishing at the + age of 60 years with only one-fifth of his journey accomplished. Think of + five train boys, one after the other, dying of old age on the way, and the + train at last pulling slowly into the depot with not a living thing on + board except the worms in the “nice eating apples!” + </p> + <p> + The sun cannot be examined through an ordinary telescope with impunity. + Only one man every tried that, and he is now wearing a glass eye that cost + him $9. + </p> + <p> + If you examine the sun through an ordinary solar microscope, you discover + that it has a curdled or mottled appearance, as though suffering from + biliousness. It is also marked here and there by long streaks of light, + called faculae, which look like foam flecks below a cataract. The spots on + the sun vary from minute pores the size of an ordinary school district to + spots 100,000 miles in diameter, visible to the nude eye. The center of + these spots is as black as a brunette cat, and is called the umbra, so + called because it resembles an umbrella. The next circle is less dark, and + called the penumbra, because it so closely resembles the penumbra. + </p> + <p> + There are many theories regarding these spots, but, to be perfectly candid + with the gentle reader, neither Prof. Proctor nor myself can tell exactly + what they are. If we could get a little closer, we flatter ourselves that + we could speak more definitely. My own theory is they are either, first, + open air caucuses held by the colored people of the sun; or, second, they + may be the dark horses in the campaign; or, third, they may be the spots + knocked off the defeated candidate by the opposition. + </p> + <p> + Frankly, however, I do not believe either of these theories to be tenable. + Prof. Proctor sneers at these theories also on the ground that these spots + do not appear to revolve so fast as the sun. This, however, I am prepared + to explain upon the theory that this might be the result of delays in the + returns However, I am free to confess that speculative science is filled + with the intangible. + </p> + <p> + The sun revolves upon his or her axletree, as the case may be, once in 25 + to 28 of our days, so that a man living there would have almost two years + to pay a 30-day note. We should so live that when we come to die we may go + at once to the sun. + </p> + <p> + Regarding the sun's temperature, Sir John Herschel says that it is + sufficient to melt a shell of ice covering its entire surface to a depth + of 40 feet. I do not know whether he made this experiment personally or + hired a man to do it for him. + </p> + <p> + The sun is like the star spangled banner—as it is “still + there.” You get up to-morrow morning just before sunrise and look + away toward the east, and keep on looking in that direction, and at last + you will see a fine sight, if what I have been told is true. If the + sunrise is as grand as the sunset, it indeed must be one of nature's + most sublime phenomena. + </p> + <p> + The sun is the great source of light and heat for our earth. If the sun + were to go somewhere for a few weeks for relaxation and rest, it would be + a cold day for us. The moon, too, would be useless, for she is largely + dependent on the sun. Animal life would soon cease and real estate would + become depressed in price. We owe very much of our enjoyment to the sun, + and not many years ago there were a large number of people who worshiped + the sun. When a man showed signs of emotional insanity, they took him up + on the observatory of the temple and sacrificed him to the sun. They were + a very prosperous and happy people. If the conqueror had not come among + them with civilization and guns and grand juries they would have been very + happy, indeed. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A COLD DAY.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9134}.jpg" alt="{9134}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9134}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + THE STARS. + </p> + <p> + There is much in the great field of astronomy that is discouraging to the + savant who hasn't the time nor means to rummage around through the + heavens. At times I am almost hopeless, and feel like saying to the great + yearnful, hungry world: “Grope on forever. Do not ask me for another + scientific fact. Find it out yourself. Hunt up your own new-laid planets, + and let me have a rest. Never ask me again to sit up all night and take + care of a newborn world, while you lie in bed and reck not.” + </p> + <p> + I get no salary for examining the trackless void night after night when I + ought to be in bed. I sacrifice my health in order that the public may + know at once of the presence of a red-hot comet, fresh from the factory. + And yet, what thanks do I get? + </p> + <p> + Is it surprising that every little while I contemplate withdrawing from + scientific research, to go and skin an eight-mule team down through the + dim vista of relentless years? + </p> + <p> + Then, again, you take a certain style of star, which you learn from + Professor Simon Newcomb is such a distance that it takes 50,000 years for + its light to reach Boston. Now, we will suppose that after looking over + the large stock of new and second-hand stars, and after examining the + spring catalogue and price list, I decide that one of the smaller size + will do me, and I buy it. How do I know that it was there when I bought + it? Its cold and silent rays may have ceased 49,000 years before I was + born and the intelligence be still on the way. There is too much margin + between sale and delivery. Every now and then another astronomer comes to + me and says: “Professor, I have discovered another new star and + intend to file it. Found it last night about a mile and a half south of + the zenith, running loose. Haven't heard of anybody who has lost a + star of the fifteenth magnitude, about thirteen hands high, with light + mane and tail, have you?” Now, how do I know that he has discovered + a brand new star? How can I discover whether he is or is not playing an + old, threadbare star on me for a new one? + </p> + <p> + We are told that there has been no perceptible growth or decay in the star + business since man began to roam around through space, in his mind, and + make figures on the barn door with red chalk showing the celestial time + table. + </p> + <p> + No serious accidents have occurred in the starry heavens since I began to + observe and study their habits. Not a star has waxed, not a star has waned + to my knowledge. Not a planet has season-cracked or shown any of the + injurious effects of our rigorous climate. Not a star has ripened + prematurely or fallen off the trees. The varnish on the very oldest stars + I find on close and critical examination to be in splendid condition. They + will all no doubt wear as long as we need them, and wink on long after we + have ceased to wink back. + </p> + <p> + In 1866 there appeared suddenly in the northern crown a star of about the + third magnitude and worth at least $250. It was generally conceded by + astronomers that this was a brand new star that had never been used, but + upon consulting Argelander's star catalogue and price list it was + found that this was not a new star at all, but an old, faded star of the + ninth magnitude, with the front breadths turned wrong side out and trimmed + with moonlight along the seams. After a few days of phenomenal brightness, + it gently ceased to draw a salary as a star of the third magnitude, and + walked home with an Uncle Tom's Cabin company. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A NIGHTLY VIGIL.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9136}.jpg" alt="{9136}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9136}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + It is such things as this that make the life of the astronomer one of + constant and discouraging toil. I have long contemplated, as I say, the + advisability of retiring from this field of science and allowing others to + light the northern lights, skim the milky way and do other celestial + chores. I would do it myself cheerfully if my health would permit, but for + years I have realized, and so has my wife, that my duties as an astronomer + kept me up too much at night, and my wife is certainly right about it when + she says if I insist on scanning the heavens night after night, coming + home late with the cork out of my telescope and my eyes red and swollen + with these exhausting night vigils, I will be cut down in my prime. So I + am liable to abandon the great labor to which I had intended to devote my + life, my dazzling genius and my princely income. I hope that other savants + will spare me the pain of another refusal, for my mind is fully made up + that unless another skimmist is at once secured, the milky way will + henceforth remain unskum. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Thrilling Experience. + </h2> + <p> + I had a very thrilling experience the other evening. I had just filled an + engagement in a strange city, and retired to my cozy room at the hotel. + </p> + <p> + The thunders of applause had died away, and the opera house had been + locked up to await the arrival of an Uncle Tom's Cabin Company. The + last loiterer had returned to his home, and the lights in the palace of + the pork packer were extinguished. + </p> + <p> + No sound was heard, save the low, tremulous swash of the sleet outside, or + the death-rattle in the throat of the bath-tub. Then all was still as the + bosom of a fried chicken when the spirit has departed. + </p> + <p> + The swallow-tail coat hung limp and weary in the wardrobe, and the gross + receipts of the evening were under my pillow. I needed sleep, for I was + worn out with travel and anxiety, but the fear of being robbed kept me + from repose. I know how desperate a man becomes when he yearns for another's + gold. I know how cupidity drives a wicked man to mangle his victim, that + he may win precarious prosperity, and how he will often take a short cut + to wealth by means of murder, when, if he would enter politics, he might + accomplish his purpose as surely and much more safely. + </p> + <p> + Anon, however, tired nature succumbed. I know I had succumbed, for the + bell-boy afterward testified that he heard me do so. + </p> + <p> + The gentle warmth of the steam-heated room, and the comforting assurance + of duty well done and the approval of friends, at last lulled me into a + gentle repose. + </p> + <p> + Anyone who might have looked upon me, as I lay there in that innocent + slumber, with the winsome mouth slightly ajar and the playful limbs cast + wildly about, while a merry smile now and then flitted across the regular + features, would have said that no heart could be so hard as to harbor ill + for one so guileless and so simple. + </p> + <p> + I do not know what it was that caused me to wake. Some slight sound or + other, no doubt, broke my slumber, and I opened my eyes wildly. The room + was in semi-darkness. + </p> + <p> + Hark! + </p> + <p> + A slight movement in the corner, and the low, regular breathing of a human + being! I was now wide awake. Possibly I could have opened my eyes wider, + but not without spilling them out of their sockets. + </p> + <p> + Regularly came that soft, low breathing. Each time it seemed like a sigh + of relief, but it did not relieve me. Evidently it was not done for that + purpose. It sounded like a sigh of blessed relief, such as a woman might + heave after she has returned from church and transferred herself from the + embrace of her new Russia iron, black silk dress into a friendly wrapper. + </p> + <p> + Regularly, like the rise and fall of a wave on the summer sea, it rose and + fell, while my pale lambrequin of hair rose and fell fitfully with it. + </p> + <p> + I know that people who read this will laugh at it, but there was nothing + to laugh at. At first I feared that the sigh might be that of a woman who + had entered the room through a transom in order to see me, as I lay wrapt + in slumber, and then carry the picture away to gladden her whole life. + </p> + <p> + But no. That was hardly possible. It was cupidity that had driven some + cruel villain to enter my apartments and to crouch in the gloom till the + proper moment should come in which to spring upon me, throttle me, crowd a + hotel pillow into each lung, and, while I did the Desdemona act, rob me of + my hard-earned wealth. + </p> + <p> + Regularly still rose the soft breathing, as though the robber might be + trying to suppress it. I reached gently under the pillow, and securing the + money I put it in the pocket of my <i>robe de nuit</i>. Then, with great + care, I pulled out a copy of Smith & Wesson's great work on + “How to Ventilate the Human Form.” I said to myself that I + would sell my life as dearly as possible, so that whoever bought it would + always regret the trade. + </p> + <p> + Then I opened the volume at the first chapter and addressed a thirty-eight + calibre remark in the direction of the breath in the corner. + </p> + <p> + When the echoes had died away a sigh of relief welled up from the dark + corner. Also another sigh of relief later on. + </p> + <p> + I then decided to light the gas and fight it out. You have no doubt seen a + man scratch a match on the leg of his pantaloons. Perhaps you have also + seen an absent-minded man undertake to do so, forgetting that his + pantaloons were hanging on a chair at the other end of the room. + </p> + <p> + However, I lit the gas with my left hand and kept my revolver pointed + toward the dark corner where the breath was still rising and falling. + </p> + <p> + People who had heard my lecture came rushing in, hoping to find that I had + suicided, but they found that, instead of humoring the public in that way, + I had shot the valve off the steam radiator. + </p> + <p> + It is humiliating to write the foregoing myself, but I would rather do so + than have the affair garbled by careless hands. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Catching a Buffalo. + </h2> + <p> + A pleasing anecdote is being told through the press columns recently, of + an encounter on the South Platte, which occurred some years ago between a + Texan and a buffalo. The recital sets forth the fact that the Texans went + out to hunt buffalo, hoping to get enough for a mess during the day. + Toward evening they saw two gentlemen buffalo on a neighboring hill near + the Platte, and at once pursued their game, each selecting an animal. They + separated at once, Jack going one way galloping after his beast, while Sam + went in the other direction. Jack soon got a shot at his game, but the + bullet only tore a large hole in the fleshy shoulder of the bull and + buried itself in the neck, maddening the animal to such a degree that he + turned at once and charged upon horse and rider. + </p> + <p> + The astonished horse, with the wonderful courage, sagacity and <i>sang + froid</i> peculiar to the broncho, whirled around two consecutive times, + tangled his feet in the tall grass and fell, throwing his rider about + fifty feet. He then rose and walked away to a quiet place, where he could + consider the matter and give the buffalo an opportunity to recover. + </p> + <p> + The infuriated bull then gave chase to Jack, who kept out of the way for a + few yards only, when, getting his legs entangled in the grass, he fell so + suddenly that his pursuer dashed over him without doing him any bodily + injury. However, as the animal went over his prostrate form, Jack felt the + buffalo's tail brush across his face, and, rising suddenly, he + caught it with a terrific grip and hung to it, thus keeping out of the + reach of his enemy's horns, till his strength was just giving out, + when Sam hove in sight and put a large bullet through the bull's + heart. + </p> + <p> + This tale is told, apparently, by an old plainsman and scout, who reels it + off as though he might be telling his own experience. + </p> + <p> + Now, I do not wish to seem captious and always sticking my nose into what + is none of my business, but as a logical and zoological fact, I desire, in + my cursory way, to coolly take up the subject of the buffalo tail. Those + who have been in the habit of killing buffaloes, instead of running an + account at the butcher shop, will remember that this noble animal has a + genuine camel's hair tail about eight inches long, with a chenille + tassel at the end, which he throws up into the rarified atmosphere of the + far west, whenever he is surprised or agitated. + </p> + <p> + In passing over a prostrate man, therefore, I apprehend that in order to + brush his face with the average buffalo tail, it would be necessary for + him to sit down on the bosom of the prostrate scout and fan his features + with the miniature caudal bud. + </p> + <p> + The buffalo does not gallop an hundred miles a day, dragging his tail + across the bunch grass and alkali of the boundless plains. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: AN UNEQUAL MATCH.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8141}.jpg" alt="{8141} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8141}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + He snorts a little, turns his bloodshot eyes toward the enemy a moment and + then, throwing his cunning little taillet over the dash-boardlet, he wings + away in an opposite direction. + </p> + <p> + The man who could lie on his back and grab that vision by the tail would + have to be moderately active. If he succeeded, however, it would be a + question of the sixteenth part of a second only, whether he had his arms + jerked out by the roots and scattered through space or whether he had + strength of will sufficient to yank out the withered little frizz and told + the quivering ornament in his hands. Few people have the moral courage to + follow a buffalo around over half a day holding on by the tail. It is said + that a Sioux brave once tried it, and they say his tracks were thirteen + miles apart. After merrily sauntering around with the buffalo one hour, + during which time he crossed the territories of Wyoming and Dakota twice + and surrounded the regular army three times, he became discouraged and + died fiom the injuries he had received. Perhaps, however, it may have been + fatigue. + </p> + <p> + It might be possible for a man to catch hold of the meager tail of a + meteor and let it snatch him through the coming years. + </p> + <p> + It might be, that a man with a strong constitution could catch a cyclone + and ride it bareback across the United States and then have a fresh one + ready to ride back again, but to catch a buffalo bull in the full flush of + manhood, as it were, and retain his tail while he crossed three + reservations and two mountain ranges, requires great tenacity of purpose + and unusual mental equipoise. + </p> + <p> + Remember, I do not regard the story I refer to as false, at least I do not + wish to be so understood. I simply say that it recounts an incident that + is rather out of the ordinary. Let the gentle reader lie down and have a + Jackrabbit driven across his face, for instance. The J. Rabbit is as + likely to brush your face with his brief and erect tail as the buffalo + would be. Then carefully note how rapidly and promptly instantaneous you + must be. Then closely attend to the manner in which you abruptly and + almost simultaneously, have not retained the tail in your memory. + </p> + <p> + A few people may have successfully seized the grieved and startled buffalo + by the tail, but they are not here to testify to the circumstances. They + are dead, abnormally and extremely dead. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + John Adams. + </h2> + <p> + After viewing the birthplace of the Adamses out at Quincy I felt more + reconciled to my own birthplace. Comparing the house in which I was born + with those in which other eminent philanthropists and high-priced + statesmen originated, I find that I have no reason to complain. Neither of + the Adamses were born in a larger house than I was, and for general tone + and eclat of front yard and cook-room on behind, I am led to believe that + I have the advantage. + </p> + <p> + John Adams was born before John Quincy Adams. A popular idea seems to + prevail in some sections of the Union that inasmuch as John Q. was + bald-headed, he was the eider of the two; but I inquired about that while + on the ground where they were both born, and ascertained from people who + were familiar with the circumstances, that John was born first. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PRESIDENTIAL SIMPLICITY.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8143}.jpg" alt="{8143} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8143}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + John Adams was the second president of the United States. He was a lawyer + by profession, but his attention was called to politics by the passage of + the stamp act in 1765. He was one of the delegates who represented + Massachusetts in the first Continental Congress, and about that time he + wrote a letter in which he said: “The die is now cast; I have passed + the rubicon. Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish with my country + is my unalterable determination.” Some have expressed the opinion + that “the rubicon” alluded to by Mr. Adams in this letter was + a law which he had succeeded in getting passed; but this is not true. The + idea of passing the rubicon first originated with Julius Caesar, a + foreigner of some note who flourished a good deal B.C. + </p> + <p> + In June, 1776, Mr. Adams seconded a resolution, moved by Richard Henry + Lee, that the United States “are, and of right ought to be, free and + independent.” Whenever Mr. Adams could get a chance to whoop for + liberty now and forever, one and inseparable, he invariably did so. + </p> + <p> + In 1796, Mr. Adams ran for president. In the convention it was nip and + tuck between Thomas Jefferson and himself, but Jefferson was understood to + be a Universalist, or an Universalist, whichever would look the best in + print, and so he only got 68 votes out of a possible 139. In 1800, + however, Jefferson turned the tables on him, and Mr. Adams only received + 65 to Jefferson's 73 votes. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Adams made a good president and earned his salary, though it wasn't + so much of a job as it is now. When there was no Indian war in those days + the president could put on an old blue flannel shirt and such other + clothes as he might feel disposed to adopt, and fish for bull heads in the + Potomac till his nose peeled in the full glare of the fervid sun. + </p> + <p> + Now it is far different. By the time we get through with a president + nowadays he isn't good for much. Mr. Hayes stood the fatigue of + being president better, perhaps, than any other man since the republic + became so large a machine. Mr. Hayes went home to Fremont with his mind + just as fresh and his brain as cool as when he pulled up his coat tails to + sit down in the presidential chair. The reason why Mr. Hayes saved his + mind, his brain and his salary, was plain enough when we stop to consider + that he did not use them much during his administration. + </p> + <p> + John Quincy Adams was the sixth president of the United States and the + eldest son of John Adams. He was one of the most eloquent of orators, and + shines in history as one of the most polished of our eminent and + bald-headed Americans. When he began to speak, his round, smooth head, to + look down upon it from the gallery, resembled a nice new billiard ball, + but as he warmed up and became more thoroughly stirred, his intellectual + dome changed to a delicate pink. Then, when he rose to the full height of + his eloquent flight, and prepared to swoop down upon his adversaries and + carry them into camp, it is said that his smooth intellectual rink was as + red as the flush of rosy dawn on the 5th day of July. + </p> + <p> + He was educated both at home and abroad. That is the reason he was so + polished. After he got so that he could readily spell and pronounce the + most difficult words to be found in the large stores of Boston, he was + sent to Europe, where he acquired several foreign tongues, and got so that + he could converse with the people of Europe very fluently, if they were + familiar with English as she is spoke. + </p> + <p> + John Quincy Adams was chosen president by the House of Representatives, + there being no choice in the electoral contest, Adams receiving 84 votes, + Andrew Jackson 99, William H. Crawford 41, and Henry Clay 37. Clay stood + in with Mr. Adams in the House of Representatives deal, it was said, and + was appointed secretary of state under Mr. Adams as a result. This may not + be true, but a party told me about it who got it straight from Washington, + and he also told me in confidence that he made it a rule never to + prevaricate. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Adams was opposed to American slavery, and on several occasions in + Congress alluded to his convictions. + </p> + <p> + He was in Congress seventeen years, and during that time he was frequently + on his feet attending to little matters in which he felt an interest, and + when he began to make allusions, and blush all over the top of his head, + and kick the desk, and throw ink-bottles at the presiding officer, they + say that John Q. made them pay attention. Seward says, “with + unwavering firmness, against a bitter and unscrupulous opposition, + exasperated to the highest pitch by his pertinacity—amidst a perfect + tempest of vituperation and abuse—he persevered in presenting his + anti-slavery petitions, one by one, to the amount sometimes of 200 in one + day.” As one of his eminent biographers has truly said: “John + Quincy Adams was indeed no slouch.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Wail Of A Wife. + </h2> + <p> + “Ethel” has written a letter to me and asked for a printed + reply. Leaving off the opening sentences, which I would not care to have + fall into the hands of my wife, her note is about as follows: + </p> + <p> + “—— Vt., Feb. 28, 1885. + </p> + <p> + My Dear Sir: + </p> + <p> + {Tender part of letter omitted for obvious reasons.} Would it be asking + too much for me to request a brief reply to one or two questions which + many other married women as well as myself would like to have answered? + </p> + <p> + I have been married now for five years. To-day is the anniversary of my + marriage. When I was single I was a teacher and supported myself in + comfort. I had more pocket-money and dressed fully as well if not better + than I do now. Why should girls who are abundantly able to earn their own + livelihood struggle to become the slave of a husband and children, and tie + themselves to a man when they might be free and happy? + </p> + <p> + I think too much is said by the men in a light and flippant manner about + the anxiety of young ladies to secure a home and a husband, and still they + do deserve a part of it, as I feel that I do now for assuming a great + burden when I was comparatively independent and comfortable. + </p> + <p> + Now, will you suggest any advice that you think would benefit the yet + unmarried and self-supporting girls who are liable to make the same + mistake that I did, and thus warn them in a manner that would be so much + more universal in its range, and reach so many more people than I could if + I should raise my voice? Do this and you will be gratefully remembered by + </p> + <p> + Ethel.” + </p> + <p> + It would indeed be a tough, tough man who could ignore thy gentle plea, + Ethel; tougher far than the pale, intellectual hired man who now addresses + you in this private and underhanded manner, unknown to your husband. + Please destroy this letter, Ethel, as soon as you see it in print, so that + it will not fall into the hands of Mr. Ethel, for if it should, I am gone. + If your husband were to run across this letter in the public press I could + never look him in the eye again. + </p> + <p> + You say that you had more pocket-money before you were married than you + have since, Ethel, and you regret your rash step. I am sorry to hear it. + You also say that you wore better clothes when you were single than you do + now. You are also pained over that. It seems that marriage with you has + not paid any cash dividends. So that if you married Mr. Ethel as a + financial venture, it was a mistake. You do not state how it has affected + your husband. Perhaps he had more pocket-money and better clothes before + he married than he has since. Sometimes two people do well in business by + themselves, but when they go into partnership they bust higher than a + kite, if you will allow me the free, English translation of a Roman + expression which you might not fully understand if I should give it to you + in the original Roman. + </p> + <p> + Lots of self-supporting young ladies have married and had to go very light + on pin-money after that, and still they did not squeal, as you, dear + Ethel. They did not marry for revenue only. They married for protection. + (This is a little political bon mot which I thought of myself. Some of my + best jokes this spring are jokes that I thought of myself.) + </p> + <p> + No, Ethel, if you married expecting to be a dormant partner during the day + and then to go through Mr. Ethel's pantaloons pocket at night and + declare a dividend, of course life is full of bitter, bitter regret and + disappointment. Perhaps it is also for Mr. Ethel. Anyhow, I can't + help feeling a pang of sympathy for him. You do not say that he is unkind + or that he so far forgets himself as to wake you up in the morning with a + harsh tone of voice and a yearling club. You do not say that he asks you + for pocket-money, or, if so, whether you give it to him or not. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: FOR REVENUE ONLY.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8147}.jpg" alt="{8147} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8147}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Of course I want to do what is right in the solemn warning business, so I + will give notice to all simple young women who are now self-supporting and + happy, that there is no statute requiring them to assume the burdens of + wifehood and motherhood unless they prefer to do so. If they now have + abundance of pin-money and new clothes, they may remain single if they + wish without violating the laws of the land. This rule is also good when + applied to young and self-supporting young men who wear good clothes and + have funds in their pockets. No young man who is free, happy and + independent, need invest his money in a family or carry a colicky child + twenty-seven miles and two laps in one night unless he prefers it. But + those who go into it with the right spirit, Ethel, do not regret it. + </p> + <p> + I would just as soon tell you, Ethel, if you will promise that it shall go + no farther, that I do not wear as good clothes as I did before I was + married. I don't have to. My good clothes have accomplished what I + got them for. I played them for all they were worth, and since I got + married the idea of wearing clothes as a vocation has not occurred to me. + </p> + <p> + Please give my kind regards to Mr. Ethel, and tell him that although I do + not know him personally, I cannot help feeling sorry for him. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0148}.jpg" alt="{0148}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0148}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Bunker Hill. + </h2> + <p> + Last week for the first time I visited the granite obelisk known all over + the civilized world as Bunker Hill monument. Sixty years ago, if my memory + serves me correctly. General La Fayette, since deceased, laid the + corner-stone, and Daniel Webster made a few desultory remarks which I + cannot now recall. Eighteen years later it was formally dedicated, and + Daniel spoke a good piece, composed mostly of things that he had thought + up himself. There has never been a feature of the early history and + unceasing struggle for American freedom which has so roused my admiration + as this custom, quite prevalent among congressmen in those days, of + writing their own speeches. + </p> + <p> + Many of Webster's most powerful speeches were written by himself or + at his suggestion. He was a plain, unassuming man, and did not feel above + writing his speeches. I have always had the greatest respect and + admiration for Mr. Webster as a citizen, as a scholar and as an + extemporaneous speaker, and had he not allowed his portrait to appear last + year in the <i>Century</i>, wearing an air of intense gloom and a plug hat + entirely out of style, my respect and admiration would have continued + indefinitely. + </p> + <p> + Bunker Hill monument is a great success as a monument, and the view from + its summit is said to be well worth the price of admission. I did not + ascend the obelisk, because the inner staircase was closed to visitors on + the day of my visit and the lightning rod on the outside looked to me as + though it had been recently oiled. + </p> + <p> + On the following day, however, I engaged a man to ascend the monument and + tell me his sensations. He assured me that they were first-rate. At the + feet of the spectator Boston and its environments are spread out in the + glad sunshine. Every day Boston spreads out her environments just that + way. + </p> + <p> + Bunker Hill monument is 221 feet in height, and has been entirely paid + for. The spectator may look at the monument with perfect impunity, without + being solicited to buy some of its mortgage bonds. This adds much to the + genuine thrill of pleasure while gazing at it. + </p> + <p> + There is a Bunker Hill in Macoupin County, Illinois, also in Ingham + County, Michigan, and in Russell County, Kansas, but General Warren was + not killed at either of these points. + </p> + <p> + One hundred and ten years ago, on the 17th day of the present month, one + of America's most noted battles with the British was fought near + where Bunker Hill monument now stands. In that battle the British lost + 1,050 in killed and wounded, while the American loss numbered but 450. + While the people of this country are showing such an interest in our war + history, I am surprised that something has not been said about Bunker + Hill. The Federal forces from Roxbury to Cambridge were under command of + General Artemus Ward, the great American humorist. When the American + humorist really puts on his war paint and sounds the tocsin, he can + organize a great deal of mourning. + </p> + <p> + General Ward was assisted by Putnam, Starke, Prescott, Gridley and + Pomeroy. Colonel William Prescott was sent over from Cambridge to + Charlestown for the purpose of fortifying Bunker Hill. At a council of war + it was decided to fortify Breeds Hill, not so high but nearer to Boston + than Bunker Hill. So a redoubt was thrown up during the night on the + ground where the monument now stands. + </p> + <p> + The British landed a large force under Generals Howe and Pigot, and at 2 + P.M. the Americans were reinforced by Generals Warren and Pomeroy. General + Warren was of a literary turn of mind and during the battle took his hat + off and recited a little poem beginning: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Stand, the ground's your own, my braves! + Will ye give it up to slaves?” + </pre> + <p> + A man who could deliver an impromptu and extemporaneous address like that + in public, and while there was such a bitter feeling of hostility on the + part of the audience, must have been a good scholar. In our great + fratricidal strife twenty years ago, the inferiority of our generals in + this respect was painfully noticeable. We did not have a commander who + could address his troops in rhyme to save his neck. Several of them were + pretty good in blank verse, but it was so blank that it was not just the + thing to fork over to posterity and speak in school afterward. + </p> + <p> + Colonel Prescott's statue now stands where he is supposed to have + stood when he told his men to reserve their fire till they saw the whites + of the enemy's eyes. Those who have examined the cast-iron + flint-lock weapon used in those days will admit that this order was wise. + Those guns were in union to health, of course, when used to excess, but + not necessarily or immediately fatal. + </p> + <p> + At the time of the third attack by the British, the Americans were out of + ammunition, but they met the enemy with clubbed muskets, and it was found + that one end of the rebel flint-lock was about as fatal as the other, if + not more so. + </p> + <p> + Boston still meets the invader with its club. The mayor says to the + citizens of Boston: “Wait till you can see the whites of the visitor's + eyes, and then go for him with your clubs.” Then the visitor + surrenders. + </p> + <p> + I hope that many years may pass before it will again be necessary for us + to soak this fair land in British blood. The boundaries of our land are + now more extended, and so it would take more blood to soak it. + </p> + <p> + Boston has just reason to be proud of Bunker Hill, and it was certainly a + great stroke of enterprise to have the battle located there. Bunker Hill + is dear to every American heart, and there are none of us who would not + have cheerfully gone into the battle then if we had known about it in + time. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Lumber Camp. + </h2> + <p> + I have just returned from a little impromptu farewell tour in the lumber + camps toward Lake Superior. It was my idea to wade around in the snow for + a few weeks and swallow baked beans and ozone on the 1/2 shell. The affair + was a success. I put up at Bootjack camp on the raging Willow River, where + the gay-plumaged chipmunk and the spruce gum have their home. + </p> + <p> + Winter in the pine woods is fraught with fun and frolic. It is more + fraught with fatigue than funds, however. This winter a man in the + Michigan and Wisconsin lumber camps could arise at 4:30 A.M., eat a patent + pail full of dried apples soaked with Young Hyson and sweetened with + Persian glucose, go out to the timber with a lantern, hew down the giants + of the forest, with the snow up to the pit of his stomach, till the gray + owl in the gathering gloom whooped and hooted in derision, and all for $12 + per month and stewed prunes. + </p> + <p> + I did not try to accumulate wealth while I was in camp. I just allowed + others to enter into the mad rush and wrench a fortune from the hand of + fate while I studied human nature and the cook. I had a good many pleasant + days there, too. I read such literary works as I could find around the + camp, and smoked the royal Havana smoking tobacco of the cookee. Those who + have not lumbered much do not know much of true joy and sylvan smoking + tobacco. + </p> + <p> + They are not using a very good grade of the weed in the lumber regions + this winter. When I say lumber regions I do not refer entirely to the + circumstances of a weak back. (Monkey-wrench, oil can and screwdriver sent + with this joke; also rules for working it in all kinds of goods.) The + tobacco used by the pine choppers of the northern forest is called the + Scandihoovian. I do not know why they call it that, unless it is because + you can smoke it in Wisconsin and smell it in Scandihoovia. + </p> + <p> + When night came we would gather around the blazing fire and talk over old + times and smoke this tobacco. I smoked it till last week, then I bought a + new mouth and resolved to lead a different life. + </p> + <p> + I shall never forget the evenings we spent together in that log shack in + the heart of the forest. They are graven on my memory where time's + effacing fingers can not monkey with them. We would most always converse. + The crew talked the Norwegian language and I am using the English language + mostly this winter. So each enjoyed himself in his own quiet way. This + seemed to throw the Norwegians a good deal together. It also threw me a + good deal together. The Scandinavians soon learn our ways and our + language, but prior to that they are quite clannish. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: I TOOK A PIE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0153}.jpg" alt="{0153}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0153}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + The cook, however, was an Ohio man. He spoke the Sandusky dialect with a + rich, nut brown flavor that did me much good, so that after I talked with + the crew a few hours in English, and received their harsh, corduroy + replies in Norske, I gladly fled to the cook shanty. There I could rapidly + change to the smoothly flowing sentences peculiar to the Ohio tongue, and + while I ate the common twisted doughnut of commerce, we would talk on and + on of the pleasant days we had spent in our native land. I don't + know how many hours I have thus spent, bringing the glad light into the + eye of the cook as I spoke to him of Mrs. Hayes, an estimable lady, + partially married, and now living at Fremont, Ohio. + </p> + <p> + I talked to him of his old home till the tears would unbidden start, as he + rolled out the dough with a common Budweiser beer bottle, and shed the + scalding into the flour barrel. Tears are always unavailing, but sometimes + I think they are more so when they are shed into a barrel of flour. He was + an easy weeper. He would shed tears on the slightest provocation, or + anything else. Once I told him something so touchful that his eyes were + blinded with tears for the nonce. Then I took a pie, and stole away so + that he could be alone with his sorrow. + </p> + <p> + He used to grind the coffee at 2 A.M. The coffee mill was nailed up + against a partition on the opposite side from my bed. That is one reason I + did not stay any longer at the camp. It takes about an hour to grind + coffee enough for thirty men, and as my ear was generally against the pine + boards when the cook began, it ruffled my slumbers and made me a morose + man. + </p> + <p> + We had three men at the camp who snored. If they had snored in my own + language I could have endured it, but it was entirely unintelligible to me + as it was. Still, it wasn't bad either. They snored on different + keys, and still there was harmony in it—a kind of chime of imported + snore as it were. I used to lie and listen to it for hours. Then the cook + would begin his coffee mill overture and I would arise. + </p> + <p> + When I got home I slept from Monday morning till Washington's + Birthday, without food or water. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0053" id="link2H_4_0053"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Lecture Abroad. + </h2> + <p> + Having at last yielded to the entreaties of Great Britain, I have decided + to make a professional farewell tour of England with my new and thrilling + lecture, entitled “Jerked Across the Jordan, or the Sudden and + Deserved Elevation of an American Citizen.” + </p> + <p> + I have, therefore, already written some of the cablegrams which will be + sent to the Associated Press, in order to open the campaign in good shape + in America on my return. + </p> + <p> + Though I have been supplicated for some time by the people of England to + come over there and thrill them with my eloquence, my thriller has been + out of order lately, so that I did not dare venture abroad. + </p> + <p> + This lecture treats incidentally of the ease with which an American + citizen may rise in the Territories, when he has a string tied around his + neck, with a few personal friends at the other end of the string. It also + treats of the various styles of oratory peculiar to America, with + specimens of American oratory that have been pressed and dried especially + for this lecture. It is a good lecture, and the few straggling facts + scattered along through it don't interfere with the lecture itself + in any way. + </p> + <p> + I shall appear in costume during the lecture. + </p> + <p> + At each lecture a different costume will be worn, and the costume worn at + the previous lecture will be promptly returned to the owner. + </p> + <p> + Persons attending the lecture need not be identified. + </p> + <p> + Polite American dude ushers will go through the audience to keep the flies + away from those who wish to sleep during the lecture. + </p> + <p> + Should the lecture be encored at its close, it will be repeated only once. + This encore business is being overdone lately, I think. + </p> + <p> + Following are some of the cablegrams I have already written. If any one + has any suggestions as to change, or other additional favorable + criticisms, they will be gratefully received; but I wish to reserve the + right, however, to do as I please about using them: + </p> + <p> + LONDON, —-, —-, —Bill Nye opened his foreign lecture + engagement here last evening with a can-opener. It was found to be in good + order. As soon as the doors were opened there was a mad rush for seats, + during which three men were fatally injured. They insisted on remaining + through the lecture, however, and adding to its horrors. Before 8 o'clock + 500 people had been turned away. Mr. Nye announced that he would deliver a + matinee this afternoon, but he has been petitioned by tradesmen to refrain + from doing so, as it will paralyze the business interests of the city to + such a degree that they offer to “buy the house,” and allow + the lecturer to cancel his engagement. + </p> + <p> + LONDON, —-, —-. —The great lecturer and contortionist, + Bill Nye, last night closed his six weeks' engagement here with his + famous lecture on “The Rise and Fall of the American Horse Thief,” + with a grand benefit and ovation. The elite of London was present, many of + whom have attended every evening for six weeks to hear this same lecture. + Those who can afford it will follow the lecturer back to America, in order + to be where they can hear this lecture almost constantly. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Nye, at the beginning of the season, offered a prize to anyone who + should neither be absent nor tardy through the entire six weeks. After + some hot discussion last evening, the prize was awarded to the janitor of + the hall. + </p> + <p> + {Associated Press Cablegram} + </p> + <p> + LONDON, —-, —-. —Bill Nye will sail for America + to-morrow in the steamship Senegambia. On his arrival in America he will + at once pay off the national debt and found a large asylum for American + dudes whose mothers are too old to take in washing and support their sons + in affluence. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Miner at Home. + </h2> + <p> + Receiving another notice of assessment on my stock in the Aladdin mine the + other day, reminded me that I was still interested in a bottomless hole + that was supposed at one time to yield funds instead of absorbing them. + The Aladdin claim was located in the spring of '76 by a syndicate of + journalists, none of whom had ever been openly accused of wealth. If we + had been, we could have proved an alibi. + </p> + <p> + We secured a gang of miners to sink on the discovery, consisting of a + Chinaman named How Long. How Long spoke the Chinese language with great + fluency. Being perfectly familiar with that language, and a little musty + in the trans-Missouri English, he would converse with us in his own + language, sometimes by the hour, courteously overlooking the fact that we + did not reply to him in the same tongue. He would converse in this way + till he ran down, generally, and then he would refrain for a while. + </p> + <p> + Finally, How Long signified that he would like to draw his salary. Of + course he was ignorant of our ways, and as innocent of any knowledge of + the intricate details peculiar to a mining syndicate as the child unborn. + So he had gone to the president of our syndicate and had been referred to + the superintendent, and he had sent How Long to the auditor, and the + auditor had told him to go to the gang boss and get his time, and then + proceed in the proper manner, after which, if his claim turned out to be + all right, we would call a meeting of the syndicate and take early action + in relation to it. By this, the reader will readily see that, although we + were not wealthy, we knew how to do business just the same as though we + had been a wealthy corporation. + </p> + <p> + How Long attended one of our meetings and at the close of the session made + a few remarks. As near as I am able to recall his language, it was very + much as follows: + </p> + <p> + “China boy no sabbe you dam slyndicate. You allee same foolee me too + muchee. How Long no chopee big hole in the glound allee day for health. + You Melican boy Laddee silver mine all same funny business. Me no likee + slyndicate. Slyndicate heap gone all same woodbine. You sabbe me? How Long + make em slyndicate pay tention. You April foolee me. You makee me tlired. + You putee me too much on em slate. Slyndicate no good. Allee time + stanemoff China boy. You allee time chin chin. Dlividend allee time heap + gone.” + </p> + <p> + Owing to a strike which then took place in our mine, we found that, in + order to complete our assessment work, we must get in another crew or do + the job ourselves. Owing to scarcity of help and a feeling of antagonism + on the part of the laboring classes toward our giant enterprise, a feeling + of hostility which naturally exists between labor and capital, we had to + go out to the mine ourselves. We had heard of other men who had shoveled + in their own mines and were afterward worth millions of dollars, so we + took some bacon and other delicacies and hied us to the Aladdin. + </p> + <p> + Buck, our mining expert, went down first. Then he requested us to hoist + him out again. We did so. I have forgotten what his first remark was when + he got out of the bucket, but that don't make any difference, for I + wouldn't care to use it here anyway. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: I HAVE FORGOTTEN HIS FIRST REMARK.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9158}.jpg" alt="{9158}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9158}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + It seems that How Long, owing to his heathenish ignorance of our customs + and the unavoidable delay in adjusting his claim for work, labor and + services, had allowed his temper to get the better of him, and he had + planted a colony of American skunks in the shaft of the Aladdin. + </p> + <p> + That is the reason we left the Aladdin mine and no one jumped it. We had + not done the necessary work in order to hold it, but when we went out + there the following spring we found that no one had jumped it. + </p> + <p> + Even the rough, coarse miner, far from civilizing influences and beyond + the reach of social advantages, recognizes the fact that this Little, + unostentatious animal plodding along through life in its own modest way, + yet wields a wonderful influence over the destinies of man. So the Aladdin + mine was not disturbed that summer. + </p> + <p> + We paid How Long, and in the following spring had a flattering offer for + the claim if it assayed as well as we said it would, so Buck, our expert, + went out to the Aladdin with an assayer and the purchaser. The assay of + the Aladdin showed up very rich indeed, far above anything that I had ever + hoped for, and so we made a sale. But we never got the money, for when the + assayer got home he casually assayed his apparatus and found that his + whole outfit had been salted prior to the Aladdin assay. + </p> + <p> + I do not think our expert, Buck, would salt an assayer's kit, but he + was charged with it at this time, and he said he would rather lose his + trade than have trouble over it. He would rather suffer wrong than to do + wrong, he said, and so the Aladdin came back on our hands. + </p> + <p> + It is not a very good mine if a man wants it as a source of revenue, but + it makes a mighty good well. The water is cold and clear as crystal. If it + stood in Boston, instead of out there in northern Colorado, where you can't + get at it more than three months in the year, it would be worth $150. The + great fault of the Aladdin mine is its poverty as a mine, and its + isolation as a well. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + An Operatic Entertainment. + </h2> + <p> + Last week we went up to the Coliseum, at Minneapolis, to hear Theodore + Thomas' orchestra, the Wagner trio and Christine Nilsson. The + Coliseum is a large rink just out of Minneapolis, on the road between that + city and St. Paul. It can seat 4,000 people comfortably, but the + management like to wedge 4,500 people in there on a warm day, and then + watch the perspiration trickle out through the clapboards on the outside. + On the closing afternoon, during the matinee performance, the building was + struck by lightning and a hole knocked out of the Corinthian duplex that + surmounts the oblique portcullis on the off side. The reader will see at + once the location of the bolt. + </p> + <p> + The lightning struck the flag-staff, ran down the leg of a man who was + repairing the electric light, took a chew of his tobacco, turned his boot + wrong side out and induced him to change his sock, toyed with a chilblain, + wrenched out a soft corn and roguishly put it in his ear, then ran down + the electric light wire, a part of it filling an engagement in the + Coliseum and the balance following the wire to the depot, where it made + double-pointed toothpicks of a pole fifty feet high. All this was done + very briefly. Those who have seen lightning toy with a cottonwood tree, + know that this fluid makes a specialty of it at once and in a brief + manner. The lightning in this case, broke the glass in the skylight and + deposited the broken fragments on a half dozen parquette chairs, that were + empty because the speculators who owned them couldn't get but $50 + apiece, and were waiting for a man to mortgage his residence and sell a + team. He couldn't make the transfer in time for the matinee, so the + seats were vacant when the lightning struck. The immediate and previous + fluid then shot athwart the auditorium in the direction of the platform, + where it nearly frightened to death a large chorus of children. Women + fainted, ticket speculators fell $2 on desirable seats, and strong men + coughed up a clove. The scene beggared description. I intended to have + said that before, but forgot it. Theodore Thomas drew in a full breath, + and Christine Nilsson drew her salary. Two thousand strong men thought of + their wasted lives, and two thousand women felt for their back hair to see + if it was still there. I say, therefore, without successful contradiction, + that the scene beggared description. Chestnuts! + </p> + <p> + In the evening several people sang, “The Creation.” Nilsson + was Gabriel. Gabriel has a beautiful voice cut low in the neck, and sings + like a joyous bobolink in the dew-saturated mead. How's that? + Nilsson is proud and haughty in her demeanor, and I had a good notion to + send a note up to her, stating that she needn't feel so lofty, and + if she could sit up in the peanut gallery where I was and look at herself, + with her dress kind of sawed off at the top, she would not be so vain. She + wore a diamond necklace and silk skirt The skirt was cut princesse, I + think, to harmonize with her salary. As an old neighbor of mine said when + he painted the top board of his fence green, he wanted it “to kind + of corroborate with his blinds.” He's the same man who went to + Washington about the time of the Guiteau trial, and said he was present at + the “post mortise” examination. But the funniest thing of all, + he said, was to see Dr. Mary Walker riding one of these “philosophers” + around on the streets. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MAKING HIMSELF USEFUL.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8161}.jpg" alt="{8161} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8161}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + But I am wandering. We were speaking of the Festival. Theodore Thomas is + certainly a great leader. What a pity he is out of politics. He pounded + the air all up fine there, Thursday. I think he has 25 small-size fiddles, + 10 medium-size, and 5 of those big, fat ones that a bald-headed man + generally annoys. Then there were a lot of wind instruments, drums, et + cetera. There were 600 performers on the stage, counting the chorus, with + 4,500 people in the house and 3,000 outside yelling it the ticket office—also + at the top of their voices—and swearing because they couldn't + mortgage their immortal souls and hear Nilsson's coin silver notes. + It was frightful. The building settled twelve inches in those two hours + and a half, the electric lights went out nine times for refreshments, and, + on the whole, the entertainment was a grand success. The first time the + lights adjourned, an usher came in on the stage through a side entrance + with a kerosene lamp. I guess he would have stood there and held it for + Nilsson to sing by, if 4,500 people hadn't with one voice laughed + him out into the starless night. You might as well have tried to light + benighted Africa with a white bean. I shall never forget how proud and + buoyant he looked as he sailed in with that kerosene lamp with a soiled + chimney on it, and how hurt and grieved he seemed when he took it and + groped his way out, while the Coliseum trembled with ill-concealed + merriment. I use the term “ill-concealed merriment” with + permission of the proprietors, for this season only. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Dogs and Dog Days. + </h2> + <p> + I take occasion at this time to ask the American people as one man, what + are we to do to prevent the spread of the most insidious and disagreeable + disease known as hydrophobia? When a fellow-being has to be smothered, as + was the case the other day right here in our fair land, a land where + tyrant foot hath never trod nor bigot forged a chain, we look anxiously + into each other's faces and inquire, what shall we do? + </p> + <p> + Shall we go to France at a great expense and fill our systems full of dog + virus and then return to our glorious land, where we may fork over that + virus to posterity and thus mix up French hydrophobia with the navy-blue + blood of free-born American citizens? + </p> + <p> + I wot not. + </p> + <p> + If I knew that would be my last wot I would not change it. That is just + wot it would be. + </p> + <p> + But again. + </p> + <p> + What shall we do to avoid getting impregnated with the American dog and + then saturating our systems with the alien dog of Paris? + </p> + <p> + It is a serious matter, and if we do not want to play the Desdemona act we + must take some timely precautions. What must those precautions be? + </p> + <p> + Did it ever occur to the average thinking mind that we might squeeze along + for weeks without a dog? Whole families have existed for years after being + deprived of dogs. Look at the wealthy of our land. They go on comfortably + through life and die at last with the unanimous consent of their heirs + dogless. + </p> + <p> + Then why cannot the poor gradually taper off on dogs? They ought not to + stop all of a sudden, but they could leave off a dog at a time until at + last they overcame the pernicious habit. + </p> + <p> + I saw a man in St. Paul last week who was once poor, and so owned seven + variegated dogs. He was confirmed in that habit. But he summoned all his + will-power at last and said he would shake off these dogs and become a + man. He did so, and to-day he owns a city lot in St. Paul, and seems to be + the picture of health. + </p> + <p> + The trouble about maintaining a dog is that he may go on for years in a + quiet, gentlemanly way, winning the regard of all who know him, and then + all of a sudden he may hydrophobe in the most violent manner. Not only + that, but he may do so while we have company. He may also bite our twins + or the twins of our warmest friends. He may bite us now and we may laugh + at it, but in five years from now, while we are delivering a humorous + lecture, we may burst forth into the audience and bite a beautiful young + lady in the parquet or on the ear. + </p> + <p> + It is a solemn thing to think of, fellow-citizens, and I appeal to those + who may read this, as a man who may not live to see a satisfactory + political reform—I appeal to you to refrain from the dog. He is + purely ornamental. We may love a good dog, but we ought to love our + children more. It would be a very, very noble and expensive dog that I + would agree to feed with my only son. + </p> + <p> + I know that we gradually become attached to a good dog, but some day he + may become attached to us, and what can be sadder than the sight of a + leading citizen drawing a reluctant mad dog down the street by main + strength and the seat of his pantaloons? (I mean his own, not the dog's + pants. This joke will appear in book form in April. The book will be very + readable, and there will be another joke in it also. eod tf.) + </p> + <p> + I have said a good deal about the dog, pro and con, and I am not a rabid + dog abolitionist, for no one loves to have his clear-cut features licked + by the warm, wet tongue of a noble dog any more than I do, but rather than + see hydrophobia become a national characteristic or a leading industry + here, I would forego the dog. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps all men are that way, however. When they get a little forehanded + they forget that they were once poor, and owned dogs. If so, I do not wish + to be unfair. I want to be just, and I believe I am. Let us yield up our + dogs and take the affection that we would otherwise bestow on them on some + human being. I have tried it and it works well. There are thousands of + people in the world, of both sexes, who are pining and starving for the + love and money that we daily shower on the dog. + </p> + <p> + If the dog would be kind enough to refrain from introducing his justly + celebrated virus into the person of those only who kiss him on the cold, + moist nose, it would be all right; but when a dog goes mad he is very + impulsive, and he may bestow himself on an obscure man. So I feel a little + nervous myself. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0057" id="link2H_4_0057"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Christopher Columbus. + </h2> + <p> + Probably few people have been more successful in the discovering line than + Christopher Columbus. Living as he did in a day when a great many things + were still in an undiscovered state, the horizon was filled with golden + opportunities for a man possessed of Mr. C.'s pluck and ambition. + His life at first was filled with rebuffs and disappointments, but at last + he grew to be a man of importance in his own profession, and the people + who wanted anything discovered would always bring it to him rather than + take it elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + And yet the life of Columbus was a stormy one. Though he discovered a + continent wherein a millionaire attracts no attention, he himself was very + poor. + </p> + <p> + Though he rescued from barbarism a broad and beautiful land in whose + metropolis the theft of less than half a million of dollars is regarded as + petty larceny, Chris himself often went to bed hungry. Is it not singular + that the gray-eyed and gentle Columbus should have added a hemisphere to + the history of our globe, a hemisphere, too, where pie is a common thing, + not only on Sunday, but throughout the week, and yet that he should have + gone down to his grave pieless! + </p> + <p> + Such is the history of progress in all ages and in all lines of thought + and investigation. Such is the meagre reward of the pioneer in new fields + of action. + </p> + <p> + I presume that America to-day has a larger pie area than any other land in + which the Cockney English language is spoken. Right here where millions of + native born Americans dwell, many of whom are ashamed of the fact that + they were born here and which shame is entirely mutual between the Goddess + of Liberty and themselves, we have a style of pie that no other land can + boast of. + </p> + <p> + From the bleak and acid dried apple pie of Maine to the irrigated mince + pie of the blue Pacific, all along down the long line of igneous, volcanic + and stratified pie, America, the land of the freedom bird with the high + instep to his nose, leads the world. + </p> + <p> + Other lands may point with undissembled pride to their polygamy and their + cholera, but we reck not. Our polygamy here is still in its infancy and + our leprosy has had the disadvantage of a cold, backward spring, but look + at our pie. + </p> + <p> + Throughout a long and disastrous war, sometimes referred to as a + fratricidal war, during which this fair land was drenched in blood, and + also during which aforesaid war numerous frightful blunders were made + which are fast coming to the surface—through the courtesy of + participants in said war who have patiently waited for those who blundered + to die off, and now admit that said participants who are dead did blunder + exceedingly throughout all this long and deadly struggle for the supremacy + of liberty and right—as I was about to say when my mind began to + wobble, the American pie has shown forth resplendent in the full glare of + a noonday sun or beneath the pale-green of the electric light, and she + stands forth proudly to-day with her undying loyalty to dyspepsia + untrammeled and her deep and deadly gastric antipathy still fiercely + burning in her breast. + </p> + <p> + That is the proud history of American pie. Powers, principalities, + kingdoms and hand-made dynasties may crumble, but the republican form of + pie does not crumble. Tyranny may totter on its throne, but the American + pie does not totter. Not a tot. No foreign threat has ever been able to + make our common chicken pie quail. I do not say this because it is smart; + I simply say it to fill up. + </p> + <p> + But would it not do Columbus good to come among us to-day and look over + our free institutions? Would it not please him to ride over this continent + which has been rescued by his presence of mind from the thraldom of + barbarism and forked over to the genial and refining influences of + prohibition and pie? + </p> + <p> + America fills no mean niche in the great history of nations, and if you + listen carefully for a few moments you will hear some American, with his + mouth full of pie, make that remark. The American is always frank and + perfectly free to state that no other country can approach this one. We + allow no little two-for-a-quarter monarchy to excel us in the size of our + failures or in the calm and self-poised deliberation with which we erect a + monument to the glory of a worthy citizen who is dead, and therefore + politically useless. + </p> + <p> + The careless student of the career of Columbus will find much in these + lines that he has not yet seen. He will realize when he comes to read this + little sketch the pains and the trouble and the research necessary before + such an article on the life and work of Columbus could be written, and he + will thank me for it; but it is not for that that I have done it. It is a + pleasure for me to hunt up and arrange historical and biographical data in + a pleasing form for the student and savant. I am only too glad to please + and gratify the student and the savant. I was that way myself once and I + know how to sympathize with them, + </p> + <p> + P.S.—I neglected to state that Columbus was a married man. Still, he + did not murmur or repine. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Accepting the Laramie Postoffice. + </h2> + <p> + Office of Daily Boomerang, Laramie City, Wy., Aug. 9, 1882. + </p> + <p> + My Dear General.—I have received by telegraph the news of my + nomination by the President and my confirmation by the Senate, as + postmaster at Laramie, and wish, to extend my thanks for the same. + </p> + <p> + I have ordered an entirely new set of boxes and postoffice outfit, + including new corrugated cuspidors for the lady clerks. + </p> + <p> + I look upon the appointment, myself, as a great triumph of eternal truth + over error and wrong. It is one of the epochs, I may say, in the Nation's + onward march toward political purity and perfection. I do not know when I + have noticed any stride in the affairs of state, which so thoroughly + impressed me with its wisdom. + </p> + <p> + Now that we are co-workers in the same department, I trust that you will + not feel shy or backward in consulting me at any time relative to matters + concerning postoffice affairs. Be perfectly frank with me, and feel + perfectly free to just bring anything of that kind right to me. Do not + feel reluctant because I may at times appear haughty and indifferent, cold + or reserved. Perhaps you do not think I know the difference between a + general delivery window and a three-m quad, but that is a mistake. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A NEW OFFICE OUTFIT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9167}.jpg" alt="{9167}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9167}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + My general information is far beyond my years. + </p> + <p> + With profoundest regard, and a hearty endorsement of the policy of the + President and the Senate, whatever it may be, + </p> + <p> + I remain, sincerely yours, + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye, P.M. + </p> + <p> + Gen. Frank Hatton, Washington, D.C. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Journalistic Tenderfoot. + </h2> + <p> + Most everyone who has tried the publication of a newspaper will call to + mind as he reads this item, a similar experience, though, perhaps, not so + pronounced and protuberant. + </p> + <p> + Early one summer morning a gawky young tenderfoot, both as to the West and + the details of journalism, came into the office and asked me for a job as + correspondent to write up the mines in North Park. He wore his hair + longish and tried to make it curl. The result was a greasy coat collar and + the general <i>tout ensemble</i> of the genus “smart Aleck.” + He had also clothed himself in the extravagant clothes of the dime novel + scout and beautiful girl-rescuer of the Indian country. He had been driven + west by a wild desire to hunt the flagrant Sioux warrior, and do a general + Wild Bill business; hoping, no doubt, before the season closed, to rescue + enough beautiful captive maidens to get up a young Vassar College in + Wyoming or Montana. + </p> + <p> + I told him that we did not care for a mining correspondent who did not + know a piece of blossom rock from a geranium. I knew it took a man a good + many years to gain knowledge enough to know where to sink a prospect shaft + even, and as to passing opinions on a vein, it would seem almost wicked + and sacriligious to send a man out there among those old grizzly miners + who had spent their lives in bitter experience, unless the young man could + readily distinguish the points of difference between a chunk of free + milling quartz and a fragment of bologna sausage. + </p> + <p> + He still thought he could write us letters that would do the paper some + eternal good, and though I told him, as he wrung my hand and left, to + refrain from writing or doing any work for us, he wrote a letter before he + had reached the home station on the stage road, or at least sent us a long + letter from there. It might have been written before he started, however. + </p> + <p> + The letter was of the “we-have-went” and “I-have-never-saw” + variety, and he spelt curiosity “qrossity.” He worked hard to + get the word into his alleged letter, and then assassinated it. + </p> + <p> + Well, we paid no attention whatever to the letter, but meantime he got + into the mines, and the way he dead-headed feed and sour mash, on the + strength of his relations with the press, made the older miners weep. + </p> + <p> + Buck Bramel got a little worried and wrote to me about it. He said that + our soft-eyed mining savant was getting us a good many subscribers, and + writing up every little gopher hole in North Park, and living on + Cincinnati quail, as we miners call bacon; but he said that none of these + fine, blooming letters, regarding the assays on “The Weasel Asleep,” + “The Pauper's Dream,” “The Mary Ellen” and + “The Over Draft,” ever seemed to crop out in the paper. + </p> + <p> + Why was it? + </p> + <p> + I wrote back that the white-eyed pelican from the buckwheat-enamelled + plains of Arkansas had not remitted, was not employed by us, and that I + would write and publish a little card of introduction for the bilious + litterateur that would make people take in their domestic animals, and + lock up their front fences and garden fountains. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime they sent him up the gulch to find some “float.” + He had wandered away from camp thirty miles before he remembered that he + didn't know what float looked like. Then he thought he would go back + and inquire. He got lost while in a dark brown study and drifted into the + bosom of the unknowable. He didn't miss the trail until a + perpendicular wall of the Rocky Mountains, about 900 feet high, rose up + and hit him athwart the nose. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: COMMUNING WITH NATURE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8169}.jpg" alt="{8169} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8169}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + He communed with nature and the coyotes one night and had a pretty tough + time of it. He froze his nose partially off, and the coyotes came and + gnawed his little dimpled toes. He passed a wretched night, and was + greatly annoyed by the cold, which at that elevation sends the mercury + toward zero all through the summer nights. + </p> + <p> + Of course he pulled the zodiac partially over him, and tried to button his + alapaca duster a little closer, but his sleep was troubled by the + sociability of the coyotes and the midnight twitter of the mountain lion. + He ate moss agates rare and spruce gum for breakfast. When he got to the + camp he looked like a forty-day starvationist hunting for a job. + </p> + <p> + They asked him if he found any float, and he said he didn't find a + blamed drop of water, say nothing about float, and then they all laughed a + merry laugh, and said that if he showed up at daylight the next morning + within the limits of the park, the orders were to burn him at the stake. + </p> + <p> + The next morning neither he nor the best bay mule on the Troublesome was + to be seen with naked eye. After that we heard of him in the San Juan + country. + </p> + <p> + He had lacerated the finer feelings of the miners down there, and had + violated the etiquette of San Juan, so they kicked a flour barrel out from + under him one day when he was looking the other way, and being a poor + tight-rope performer, he got tangled up with a piece of inch rope in such + a way that he died of his injuries. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Amateur Carpenter. + </h2> + <p> + In my opinion every professional man should keep a chest of carpenters' + tools in his barn or shop, and busy himself at odd hours with them in + constructing the varied articles that are always needed about the house. + There is a great deal of pleasure in feeling your own independence of + other trades, and more especially of the carpenter. Every now and then + your wife will want a bracket put up in some corner or other, and with + your new, bright saw and glittering hammer you can put up one upon which + she can hang a cast-iron horse-blanket lambrequin, with inflexible water + lilies sewed in it. + </p> + <p> + A man will, if he tries, readily learn to do a great many such little + things and his wife will brag on him to other ladies, and they will make + invidious comparisons between their husbands who can't do anything + of that kind whatever, and you who are “so handy.” + </p> + <p> + Firstly, you buy a set of amateur carpenter tools. You do not need to say + that you are an amateur. The dealer will find that out when you ask him + for an easy-running broad-ax or a green-gage plumb line. He will sell you + a set of amateur's tools that will be made of old sheet-iron with + basswood handles, and the saws will double up like a piece of stovepipe. + </p> + <p> + After you have nailed a board on the fence successfully, you will very + naturally desire to do something much better, more difficult. You will + probable try to erect a parlor table or rustic settee. + </p> + <p> + I made a very handsome bracket last week, and I was naturally proud of it. + In fastening it together, if I hadn't inadvertently nailed it to the + barn floor, I guess I could have used it very well, but in tearing it + loose from the barn, so that the two could be used separately, I ruined a + bracket that was intended to serve as the base, as it were, of a + lambrequin which cost nine dollars, aside from the time expended on it. + </p> + <p> + During the month of March I built an ice-chest for this summer. It was not + handsome, but it was roomy, and would be very nice for the season of 1886, + I thought. It worked pretty well through March and April, but as the + weather begins to warm up that ice-chest is about the warmest place around + the house. There is actually a glow of heat around that ice-chest that I + don't notice elsewhere. I've shown it to several personal + friends. They seem to think it is not built tightly enough for an + ice-chest. My brother looked at it yesterday, and said that his idea of an + ice-chest was that it ought to be tight enough at least to hold the larger + chunks of ice so that they would not escape through the pores of the + ice-box. He says he never built one, but that it stood to reason that a + refrigerator like that ought to be constructed so that it would keep the + cows out of it. You don't want to have a refrigerator that the + cattle can get through the cracks of and eat up your strawberries on ice, + he says. + </p> + <p> + A neighbor of mine who once built a hen resort of laths, and now wears a + thick thumb-nail that looks like a Brazil nut as a memento of that pullet + corral, says my ice-chest is all right enough, only that it is not suited + to this climate. He thinks that along Behring's Strait, during the + holidays, my ice-chest would work like a charm. And even here, he thought, + if I could keep the fever out of my chest there would be less pain. + </p> + <p> + I have made several other little articles of <i>vertu</i> this spring, to + the construction of which I have contributed a good deal of time and two + finger nails. I have also sawed into my leg two or three times. The leg, + of course, will get well, but the pantaloons will not. Parties wishing to + meet me in my studio during the morning hour will turn into the alley + between Eighth and Ninth streets, enter the third stable door on the left, + pass around behind my Gothic horse, and give the countersign and three + kicks on the door in an ordinary tone of voice. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Average Hen. + </h2> + <p> + I am convinced that there is great economy in keeping hens if we have + sufficient room for them and a thorough knowledge of how to manage the + fowl property. But to the professional man, who is not familiar with the + habits of the hen, and whose mind does not naturally and instinctively + turn henward, I would say: Shun her as you would the deadly upas tree of + Piscataquis county, Me. + </p> + <p> + Nature has endowed the hen with but a limited amount of brain-force. Any + one will notice that if he will compare the skull of the average self-made + hen with that of Daniel Webster, taking careful measurements directly over + the top from one ear to the other, the well-informed brain student will at + once notice a great falling-off in the region of reverence and an abnormal + bulging out in the location of alimentiveness. + </p> + <p> + Now take your tape-measure and, beginning at memory, pass carefully over + the occiputal bone to the base of the brain in the region of love of home + and offspring and you will see that, while the hen suffers much in + comparison with the statement in the relative size of sublimity, + reflection, spirituality, time, tune, etc., when it comes to love of home + and offspring she shines forth with great splendor. + </p> + <p> + The hen does not care for the sublime in nature. Neither does she care for + music. Music hath no charms to soften her tough old breast. But she loves + her home and her country. I have sought to promote the interests of the + hen to some extent, but I have not been a marked success in that line. + </p> + <p> + I can write a poem in fifteen minutes. I always could dash off a poem + whenever I wanted to, and a very good poem, too, for a dashed poem. I + could write a speech for a friend in congress—a speech that would be + printed in the Congressional Record and go all over the United States and + be read by no one. I could enter the field of letters anywhere and attract + attention, but when it comes to setting a hen I feel that I am not worthy. + I never feel my utter unworthiness as I do in the presence of a setting + hen. + </p> + <p> + When the adult hen in my presence expresses a desire to set I excuse + myself and go away. That is the supreme moment when a hen desires to be + alone. That is no time for me to introduce my shallow levity, I never do + it is after death that I most fully appreciate the hen. When she has been + cut down early in life and fried I respect her. No one can look upon the + still features of a young hen overtaken by death in life's young + morning, snuffed out as it were, like an old tin lantern in a gale of + wind, without being visibly affected. + </p> + <p> + But it is not the hen who desires to set for the purpose of getting out an + early edition of spring chickens that I am averse to. It is the aged hen, + who is in her dotage, and whose eggs, also, are in their second childhood. + Upon this hen I shower my anathemas. Overlooked by the pruning hook of + time, shallow in her remarks, and a wall-flower in society, she deposits + her quota of eggs in the catnip conservatory, far from the haunts of men, + and then in August, when eggs are extremely low and her collection of no + value to any one but the antiquarian, she proudly calls attention to her + summer's work. + </p> + <p> + This hen does not win the general confidence. Shunned by good society + during life, her death is only regretted by those who are called upon to + assist at her obsequies. Selfish through life, her death is regarded as a + calamity by those alone who are expected to eat her. + </p> + <p> + And what has such a hen to look back upon in her closing hours? A long + life, perhaps, for longevity is one of the characteristics of this class + of hens; but of what has that life been productive? How many golden hours + has she frittered away hovering over a porcelain door-knob trying to hatch + out a litter of Queen Anne cottages. How many nights has she passed in + solitude on her lonely nest, with a heart filled with bitterness toward + all mankind, hoping on against hope that in the fall she would come off + the nest with a cunning little brick block, perhaps. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE RESULT OF PATIENCE.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9174}.jpg" alt="{9174}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9174}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Such is the history of the aimless hen. While others were at work she + stood around with her hands in her pockets and criticised the policy of + those who labored, and when the summer waned she came forth with nothing + but regret to wander listlessly about and freeze off some more of her feet + during the winter. For such a hen death can have no terrors. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Woodtick William's Story. + </h2> + <p> + We had about as ornery and triflin' a crop of kids in Calaveras + county, thirty years ago, as you could gather in with a fine-tooth comb + and a brass band in fourteen States. For ways that was kittensome they + were moderately active and abnormally protuberant. That was the prevailing + style of Calaveras kid, when Mr. George W. Mulqueen come there and wanted + to engage the school at the old camp, where I hung up in the days when the + country was new and the murmur of the six-shooter was heard in the land. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WINNING THEIR YOUNG LOVE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8175}.jpg" alt="{8175} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8175}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “George W. Mulqueen was a slender young party from the effete East, + with conscientious scruples and a hectic flush. Both of these was agin him + for a promoter of school discipline and square root. He had a heap of + information and big sorrowful eyes. + </p> + <p> + “So fur as I was concerned, I didn't feel like swearing around + George or using any language that would sound irrelevant in a ladies' + boodore; but as for the kids of the school, they didn't care a + blamed cent. They just hollered and whooped like a passle of Sioux. + </p> + <p> + “They didn't seem to respect literary attainments or expensive + knowledge. They just simply seemed to respect the genius that come to that + country to win their young love with a long-handled shovel and a + blood-shot tone of voice. That's what seemed to catch the Calaveras + kids in the early days. + </p> + <p> + “George had weak lungs, and they kept to work at him till they drove + him into a mountain fever, and finally into a metallic sarcophagus. + </p> + <p> + “Along about the holidays the sun went down on George W. Mulqueen's + life, just as the eternal sunlight lit up the dewy eyes. You will pardon + my manner, Nye, but it seemed to me just as if George had climbed up to + the top of Mount Cavalry, or wherever it was, with that whole school on + his back, and had to give up at last. + </p> + <p> + “It seemed kind of tough to me, and I couldn't help blamin' + it onto the school some, for there was a half a dozen big snoozers that + didn't go to school to learn, but just to raise Ned and turn up + Jack. + </p> + <p> + “Well, they killed him, anyhow, and that settled it.” + </p> + <p> + “The school run kind of wild till Feboowary, and then a husky young + tenderfoot, with a fist like a mule's foot in full bloom, made an + application for the place, and allowed he thought he could maintain + discipline if they'd give him a chance. Well, they ast him when he + wanted to take his place as tutor, and he reckoned he could begin to tute + about Monday follering. + </p> + <p> + “Sunday afternoon he went up to the school-house to look over the + ground, and to arrange a plan for an active Injin campaign agin the + hostile hoodlums of Calaveras. + </p> + <p> + “Monday he sailed in about 9 A.M. with his grip-sack, and begun the + discharge of his juties. + </p> + <p> + “He brought in a bunch of mountain-willers, and, after driving a big + railroad-spike into the door-casing, over the latch, he said the senate + and house would sit with closed doors during the morning session. Several + large, white-eyed holy terrors gazed at him in a kind of dumb, inquiring + tone of voice, but he didn't say much. He seemed considerably + reserved as to the plan of the campaign. The new teacher then unlocked his + alligator-skin grip, and took out a Bible and a new self-cocking weepon + that had an automatic dingus for throwing out the empty shells. It was one + of the bull-dog variety, and had the laugh of a joyous child. + </p> + <p> + “He read a short passage from the Scriptures, and then pulled off + his coat and hung it on a nail. Then he made a few extemporaneous remarks, + after which he salivated the palm of his right hand, took the self-cocking + songster in his left, and proceeded to wear out the gads over the varied + protuberances of his pupils. + </p> + <p> + “People passing by thought they must be beating carpets in the + school-house. He pointed the gun at his charge with his left and + manipulated the gad with his right duke. One large, overgrown Missourian + tried to crawl out of the winder, but, after he had looked down the barrel + of the shooter a moment, he changed his mind. He seemed to realize that it + would be a violation of the rules of the school, so he came back and sat + down. + </p> + <p> + “After he wore out the foliage, Bill, he pulled the spike out of + that door, put on his coat and went away. He never was seen there again. + He didn't ask for any salary, but just walked off quietly, and that + summer we accidently heard that he was George W. Mulqueen's brother.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0063" id="link2H_4_0063"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + In Washington. + </h2> + <p> + I have just returned from a polite and recherche party here. Washington is + the hot-bed of gayety, and general headquarters for the recherche + business. It would be hard to find a bontonger aggregation than the one I + was just at, to use the words of a gentleman who was there, and who asked + me if I wrote “The Heathen Chinee.” + </p> + <p> + He was a very talented man, with a broad sweep of skull and a vague + yearning for something more tangible—to drink. He was in Washington, + he said, in the interests of Mingo county. I forgot to ask him where Mingo + county might be. He took a great interest in me, and talked with me long + after he really had anything to say. He was one of those fluent + conversationalists frequently met with in society. He used one of these + web-perfecting talkers—the kind that can be fed with raw Roman + punch, and that will turn out punctuated talk in links, like varnished + sausages. Being a poor talker myself, and rather more fluent as a + listener, I did not interrupt him. + </p> + <p> + He said that he was sorry to notice how young girls and their parents came + to Washington as they would to a matrimonial market. + </p> + <p> + I was sorry also to hear it. It pained me to know that young ladies should + allow themselves to be bamboozled into matrimony. Why was it, I asked, + that matrimony should ever single out the young and fair? + </p> + <p> + “Ah,” said he, “it is indeed rough!” + </p> + <p> + He then breathed a sigh that shook the foilage of the speckled geranium + near by, and killed an artificial caterpillar that hung on its branches. + </p> + <p> + “Matrimony is all right,” said he, “if properly brought + about. It breaks my heart, though, to notice how Washington is used as a + matrimonial market. It seems to me almost as if these here young ladies + were brought here like slaves and exposed for sale.” I had noticed + that they were somewhat exposed, but I did not know that they were for + sale. I asked him if the waists of party dresses had always been so sadly + in the minority, and he said they had. + </p> + <p> + I danced with a beautiful young lady whose trail had evidently caught in a + doorway. She hadn't noticed it till she had walked out partially + through her costume. + </p> + <p> + I do not think a lady ought to give too much thought to her apparel; + neither should she feel too much above her clothes. I say this in the + kindest spirit, because I believe that man should be a friend to woman. No + family circle is complete without a woman. She is like a glad landscape to + the weary eye. Individually and collectively, woman is a great adjunct of + civilization and progress. The electric light is a good thing, but how + pale and feeble it looks by the light of a good woman's eyes. The + telephone is a great invention. It is a good thing to talk at, and murmur + into and deposit profanity in; but to take up a conversation, and keep it + up, and follow a man out through the front door with it, the telephone has + still much to learn from woman. + </p> + <p> + It is said that our government officials are not sufficiently paid; and I + presume that is the case, so it became necessary to economize in every + way; but, why should wives concentrate all their economy on the waist of a + dress? When chest protectors are so cheap as they now are. I hate to see + people suffer, and there is more real suffering, more privation and more + destitution, pervading the Washington scapula and clavicle this winter + than I ever saw before. + </p> + <p> + But I do not hope to change this custom, though I spoke to several ladies + about it, and asked them to think it over. I do not think they will. It + seems almost wicked to cut off the best part of a dress and put it at the + other end of the skirt, to be trodden under feet of men, as I may say. + They smiled good humoredly at me as I tried to impress my views upon them, + but should I go there again next season and mingle in the mad whirl of + Washington, where these fair women are also mingling in said mad whirl, I + presume that I will find them clothed in the same gaslight waist, with + trimmings of real vertebrae down the back. + </p> + <p> + Still, what does a man know about the proper costume of a woman? He knows + nothing whatever. He is in many ways a little inconsistent. Why does a man + frown on a certain costume for his wife, and admire it on the first woman + he meets? Why does he fight shy of religion and Christianity and talk very + freely about the church, but get mad if his wife is an infidel? + </p> + <p> + Crops around Washington are looking well. Winter wheat, crocusses and + indefinite postponements were never in a more thrifty condition. Quite a + number of people are here who are waiting to be confirmed. Judging from + their habits, they are lingering around here in order to become confirmed + drunkards. + </p> + <p> + I leave here to-morrow with a large, wet towel in my plug hat. Perhaps I + should have said nothing on this dress reform question while my hat is + fitting me so immediately. It is seldom that I step aside from the beaten + path of rectitude, but last evening, on the way home, it seemed to me that + I didn't do much else but step aside. At these parties no charge is + made for punch. It is perfectly free. I asked a colored man who was + standing near the punch bowl, and who replenished it ever and anon, what + the damage was, and he drew himself up to his full height. + </p> + <p> + Possibly I did wrong, but I hate to be a burden on anyone. It seemed odd + to me to go to a first-class dance and find the supper and the band and + the rum all paid for. It must cost a good deal of money to run this + government. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Experience as an Agriculturist. + </h2> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9181}.jpg" alt="{9181}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9181}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + During the past season I was considerably interested in agriculture. I met + with some success, but not enough to madden me with joy. It takes a good + deal of success to unscrew my reason and make it totter on its throne. I've + had trouble with my liver, and various other abnormal conditions of the + vital organs, but old reason sits there on his or her throne, as the case + may be, through it all. + </p> + <p> + Agriculture has a charm about it which I can not adequately describe. + Every product of the farm is furnished by nature with something that loves + it, so that it will never be neglected. The grain crop is loved by the + weevil, the Hessian fly, and the chinch bug; the watermelon, the squash + and the cucumber are loved by the squash bug; the potato is loved by the + potato bug; the sweet corn is loved by the ant, thou sluggard; the tomato + is loved by the cut-worm; the plum is loved by the curculio, and so forth, + and so forth, so that no plant that grows need be a wall-flower. {Early + blooming and extremely dwarf joke for the table. Plant as soon as there is + no danger of frosts, in drills four inches apart. When ripe, pull it, and + eat raw with vinegar. The red ants may be added to taste.} + </p> + <p> + Well, I began early to spade up my angle-worms and other pets, to see if + they had withstood the severe winter. I found they had. They were + unusually bright and cheerful. The potato bugs were a little sluggish at + first, but as the spring opened and the ground warmed up they pitched + right in, and did first-rate. Every one of my bugs in May looked + splendidly. I was most worried about my cut-worms. Away along in April I + had not seen a cutworm, and I began to fear they had suffered, and perhaps + perished, in the extreme cold of the previous winter. + </p> + <p> + One morning late in the month, however, I saw a cut-worm come out from + behind a cabbage stump and take off his ear muff. He was a little stiff in + the joints, but he had not lost hope. I saw at once now was the time to + assist him if I had a spark of humanity left. I searched every work I + could find on agriculture to find out what it was that farmers fed their + blamed cut-worms, but all scientists seemed to be silent. I read the + agricultural reports, the dictionary, and the encyclopedia, but they didn't + throw any light on the subject. I got wild. I feared that I had brought + but one cut-worm through the winter, and I was liable to lose him unless I + could find out what to feed him. I asked some of my neighbors, but they + spoke jeeringly and sarcastically. I know now how it was. All their + cut-worms had frozen down last winter, and they couldn't bear to see + me get ahead. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THEY SPOKE JEERINGLY.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9182}.jpg" alt="{9182}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9182}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + All at once, an idea struck me. I haven't recovered from the + concussion yet. It was this: the worm had wintered under a cabbage stalk; + no doubt he was fond of the beverage. I acted upon this thought and bought + him two dozen red cabbage plants, at fifty cents a dozen. I had hit it the + first pop. He was passionately fond of these plants, and would eat three + in one night. He also had several matinees and sauerkraut lawn festivals + for his friends, and in a week I bought three dozen more cabbage plants. + By this time I had collected a large group of common scrub cut-worms, + early Swedish cut-worms, dwarf Hubbard cut-worms, and short-horn + cut-worms, all doing well, but still, I thought, a little hide-bound and + bilious. They acted languid and listless. As my squash bugs, currant + worms, potato bugs, etc., were all doing well without care, I devoted + myself almost exclusively to my cut-worms. They were all strong and well, + but they seemed melancholy with nothing to eat, day after day, but + cabbages. + </p> + <p> + I therefore bought five dozen tomato plants that were tender and large. + These I fed to the cut-worms at the rate of eight or ten in one night. In + a week the cut-worms had thrown off that air of <i>ennui</i> and languor + that I had I formerly noticed, and were gay and light-hearted. I got them + some more tomato plants, and then some more cabbage for change. On the + whole I was as proud as any young farmer who has made a success of + anything. + </p> + <p> + One morning I noticed that a cabbage plant was left standing unchanged. + The next day it was still there. I was thunderstruck. I dug into the + ground. My cut-worms were gone. I spaded up the whole patch, but there + wasn't one. Just as I had become attached to them, and they had + learned to look forward each day to my coming, when they would almost come + up and eat a tomato-plant out of my hand, some one had robbed me of them. + I was almost wild with despair and grief. Suddenly something tumbled over + my foot. It was mostly stomach, but it had feet on each corner. A neighbor + said it was a warty toad. He had eaten up my summer's work! He had + swallowed my cunning little cut-worms. I tell you, gentle reader, unless + some way is provided, whereby this warty toad scourge can be wiped out, I + for one shall relinquish the joys of agricultural pursuits. When a common + toad, with a sallow complexion and no intellect, can swallow up my summer's + work, it is time to pause. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A New Autograph Album. + </h2> + <p> + This autograph business is getting to be a little bit tedious. It is all + one-sided. I want to get even some how, on some one. If I can't come + back at the autograph fiend himself, perhaps I might make some other + fellow creature unhappy. That would take my mind off the woes that are + inflicted by the man who is making a collection of the autographs of + “prominent men,” and who sends a printed circular formally + demanding your autograph, as the tax collector would demand your tax. + </p> + <p> + John Comstock, the President of the First National Bank, of Hudson, the + other day suggested an idea. I gave him an autograph copy of my last great + work, and he said: “Now, I'm a man of business. You gave me + your autograph, I give you mine in return. That's what we call + business.” He then signed a brand new $5 national bank note, the + cashier did ditto, and the two autographs were turned over to me. + </p> + <p> + Now, how would it do to make a collection of the signatures of the + presidents and cashiers of national banks of the United States in the + above manner? An album containing the autographs of these bank officials + would not only be a handsome heirloom to fork over to posterity, but it + would possess intrinsic value. In pursuance of this idea, I have been + considering the advisability of issuing the following letter: + </p> + <p> + To the Presidents and Cashiers of the National Banks of the United States. + </p> + <p> + Gentlemen—I am now engaged in making a collection of the autographs + of the presidents and cashiers of national banks throughout the Union, and + to make the collection uniform, I have decided to ask for autographs + written at the foot of the national currency bank note of the denomination + of $5. I am not sectarian in my religious views, and I only suggest this + denomination for the sake of uniformity throughout the album. + </p> + <p> + Card collections, cat albums and so forth, may please others, but I prefer + to make a collection that shall show future ages who it was that built up + our finances, and furnished the sinews of war. Some may look upon this + move as a mercenary one, but with me it is a passion. It is not simply a + freak, it is a desire of my heart. + </p> + <p> + In return I would be glad to give my own autograph, either by itself or + attached to some little gem of thought which might occur to my mind at the + time. + </p> + <p> + I have always taken a great interest in the currency of the country. So + far as possible I have made it a study. I have watched its growth, and + noted with some regret its natural reserve. I may say that, considering + meagre opportunities and isolated advantages afforded me, no one is more + familiar with the habits of our national currency than I am. Yet, at times + my laboratory has not been so abundantly supplied with specimens as I + could have wished. This has been my chief drawback. + </p> + <p> + I began a collection of railroad passes some time ago, intending to file + them away and pass the collection down through the dim vista of coming + years, but in a rash moment I took a trip of several thousand miles, and + those passes were taken up. + </p> + <p> + I desire, in conclusion, gentlemen, to call your attention to the fact + that I have always been your friend and champion. I have never robbed the + bank of a personal friend, and if I held your autographs I should deem you + my personal friends, and feel in honor bound to discourage any movement + looking toward an unjust appropriation of the funds of your bank. The + autographs of yourselves in my possession, and my own in your hands, would + be regarded as a tacit agreement on my part never to rob your bank. I + would even be willing to enter into a contract with you not to break into + your vaults, if you insist upon it. I would thus be compelled to confine + myself to the stage coaches and railroad trains in a great measure, but I + am getting now so I like to spend my evenings at home, anyhow, and if I do + well this year, I shall sell my burglars' tools and give myself up + to the authorities. + </p> + <p> + You will understand, gentlemen, the delicate nature of this request, I + trust, and not misconstrue my motives. My intentions are perfectly + honorable, and my idea in doing this is, I may say, to supply a long felt + want. + </p> + <p> + Hoping that what I have said will meet with your approval and hearty + cooperation, and that our very friendly business relations, as they have + existed in the past, may continue through the years to come, and that your + bank may wallow in success till the cows come home, or words to that + effect, I beg leave to subscribe myself, yours in favor of one country, + one flag and one bank account. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0066" id="link2H_4_0066"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Resign. + </h2> + <p> + Postoffice Divan, Laramie City, W.T., Oct. 1, 1883. + </p> + <p> + To the President of the United States: + </p> + <p> + Sir.—I beg leave at this time to officially tender my resignation as + postmaster at this place, and in due form to deliver the great seal and + the key to the front door of the office. The safe combination is set on + the numbers 33, 66 and 99, though I do not remember at this moment which + comes first, or how many times you revolve the knob, or which direction + you should turn it at first in order to make it operate. + </p> + <p> + There is some mining stock in my private drawer in the safe, which I have + not yet removed. This stock you may have, if you desire it. It is a + luxury, but you may have it. I have decided to keep a horse instead of + this mining stock. The horse may not be so pretty, but it will cost less + to keep him. + </p> + <p> + You will find the postal cards that have not been used under the + distributing table, and the coal down in the cellar. If the stove draws + too hard, close the damper in the pipe and shut the general delivery + window. + </p> + <p> + Looking over my stormy and eventful administration as postmaster here, I + find abundant cause for thanksgiving. At the time I entered upon the + duties of my office the department was not yet on a paying basis. It was + not even self-sustaining. Since that time, with the active co-operation of + the chief executive and the heads of the department, I have been able to + make our postal system a paying one, and on top of that I am now able to + reduce the tariff on average-sized letters from three cents to two. I + might add that this is rather too too, but I will not say anything that + might seem undignified in an official resignation which is to become a + matter of history. + </p> + <p> + Through all the vicissitudes of a tempestuous term of office I have safely + passed. I am able to turn over the office to-day in a highly improved + condition, and to present a purified and renovated institution to my + successor. + </p> + <p> + Acting under the advice of Gen. Hatton, a year ago, I removed the feather + bed with which my predecessor, Deacon Hayford, had bolstered up his + administration by stuffing the window, and substituted glass. Finding + nothing in the book of instructions to postmasters which made the feather + bed a part of my official duties, I filed it away in an obscure place and + burned it in effigy, also in the gloaming. This act maddened my + predecessor to such a degree, that he then and there became a candidate + for justice of the peace on the Democratic ticket. The Democratic party + was able, however, with what aid it secured from the Republicans, to plow + the old man under to a great degree. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: STRICT ATTENTION TO BUSINESS.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8187}.jpg" alt="{8187} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8187}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + It was not long after I had taken my official oath before an era of + unexampled prosperity opened for the American people. The price of beef + rose to a remarkable altitude, and other vegetables commanded a good + figure and a ready market. We then began to make active preparations for + the introduction of the strawberry-roan two-cent stamps and the + black-and-tan postal note. One reform has crowded upon the heels of + another, until the country is to-day upon the foam-crested wave of + permanent prosperity. + </p> + <p> + Mr. President, I cannot close this letter without thanking yourself and + the heads of departments at Washington for your active, cheery and prompt + cooperation in these matters. You can do as you see fit, of course, about + incorporating this idea into your Thanksgiving proclamation, but rest + assured it would not be ill-timed or inopportune. It is not alone a credit + to myself, It reflects credit upon the administration also. + </p> + <p> + I need not say that I herewith transmit my resignation with great sorrow + and genuine regret. We have toiled on together month after month, asking + for no reward except the innate consciousness of rectitude and the salary + as fixed by law. Now we are to separate. Here the roads seem to fork, as + it were, and you and I, and the cabinet, must leave each other at this + point. + </p> + <p> + You will find the key under the door-mat, and you had better turn the cat + out at night when you close the office. If she does not go readily, you + can make it clearer to her mind by throwing the cancelling stamp at her. + </p> + <p> + If Deacon Hayford does not pay up his box-rent, you might as well put his + mail in the general delivery, and when Bob Head gets drunk and insists on + a letter from one of his wives every day in the week, you can salute him + through the box delivery with an old Queen Anne tomahawk, which you will + find near the Etruscan water-pail. This will not in any manner surprise + either of these parties. + </p> + <p> + Tears are unavailing. I once more become a private citizen, clothed only + with the right to read such postal cards as may be addressed to me + personally, and to curse the inefficiency of the postoffice department. I + believe the voting class to be divided into two parties, viz: Those who + are in the postal service, and those who are mad because they cannot + receive a registered letter every fifteen minutes of each day, including + Sunday. + </p> + <p> + Mr. President, as an official of this Government I now retire. My term of + office would not expire until 1886. I must, therefore, beg pardon for my + eccentricity in resigning. It will be best, perhaps, to keep the + heart-breaking news from the ears of European powers until the dangers of + a financial panic are fully past. Then hurl it broadcast with a sickening + thud. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Mine. + </h2> + <p> + I have decided to sacrifice another valuable piece of mining property this + spring. It would not be sold if I had the necessary capital to develop it. + It is a good mine, for I located it myself. I remember well the day I + climbed up on the ridge-pole of the universe and nailed my location notice + to the eaves of the sky. + </p> + <p> + It was in August that I discovered the Vanderbilt claim in a snow-storm. + It cropped out apparently a little southeast of a point where the arc of + the orbit of Venus bisects the milky way, and ran due east eighty chains, + three links and a swivel, thence south fifteen paces and a half to a blue + spot in the sky, thence proceeding west eighty chains, three links of + sausage and a half to a fixed star, thence north across the lead to place + of beginning. + </p> + <p> + The Vanderbilt set out to be a carbonate deposit, but changed its mind. I + sent a piece of the cropping to a man over in Salt Lake, who is a good + assayer and quite a scientist, if he would brace up and avoid humor. His + assay read as follows to-wit: + </p> + <p> + Salt Lake City, U.T., August 25, 1877. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bill Nye:—Your specimen of ore No. 35832, current series, has + been submitted to assay and shows the following result: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. + + Gold — — + Silver — — + Railroad iron 1 — + Pyrites of poverty 9 — + Parasites of disappointment 90 — +</pre> + <p> + McVicker, Assayer. + </p> + <p> + Note.—I also find that the formation is igneous, prehistoric and + erroneous. If I were you I would sink a prospect shaft below the vertical + slide where the old red brimstone and preadamite slag cross-cut the + malachite and intersect the schist. I think that would be schist about as + good as anything you could do. Then send me specimens with $2 for assay + and we shall see what we shall see. + </p> + <p> + Well, I didn't know he was “an humorist,” you see, so I + went to work on the Vanderbilt to try and do what Mac. said. I sank a + shaft and everything else I could get hold of on that claim. It was so + high that we had to carry water up there to drink when we began and before + fall we had struck a vein of the richest water you ever saw. We had more + water in that mine than the regular army could use. + </p> + <p> + When we got down sixty feet I sent some pieces of the pay streak to the + assayer again. This time he wrote me quite a letter, and at the same time + inclosed the certificate of assay. + </p> + <p> + Salt Lake City, U.T., October 3, 1877. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bill Nye:—Your specimen of ore No. 36132, current series, has + been submitted to assay and shows the following result: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Metal. Ounces. Value per ton. + + Gold — — + Silver — — + Railroad iron 1 — + Pyrites of poverty 9 — + Parasites of disappointment 90 — +</pre> + <p> + McVicker, Assayer. + </p> + <p> + In the letter he said there was, no doubt, something in the claim if I + could get the true contact with calcimine walls denoting a true fissure. + He thought I ought to run a drift. I told him I had already run adrift. + </p> + <p> + Then he said to stope out my stove polish ore and sell it for enough to go + on with the development. I tried that, but capital seemed coy. Others had + been there before me and capital bade me soak my head and said other + things which grated harshly on my sensitive nature. + </p> + <p> + The Vanderbilt mine, with all its dips, spurs, angles, variations, veins, + sinuosities, rights, titles, franchises, prerogatives and assessments is + now for sale. I sell it in order to raise the necessary funds for the + development of the Governor of North Carolina. I had so much trouble with + water in the Vanderbilt, that I named the new claim the Governor of North + Carolina, because he was always dry. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Mush and Melody. + </h2> + <p> + Lately I have been giving a good deal of attention to hygiene—in + other people. The gentle reader will notice that, as a rule, the man who + gives the most time and thought to this subject is an invalid himself; + just as the young theological student devotes his first sermon to the care + of children, and the ward politician talks the smoothest on the subject of + how and when to plant ruta-bagas or wean a calf from the parent stem. + </p> + <p> + Having been thrown into the society of physicians a great deal the past + two years, mostly in the role of patient, I have given some study to the + human form; its structure and idiosyncracies, as it were. Perhaps few men + in the same length of time have successfully acquired a larger or more + select repertoire of choice diseases than I have. I do not say this + boastfully. I simply desire to call the attention of our growing youth to + the glorious possibilities that await the ambitious and enterprising in + this line. + </p> + <p> + Starting out as a poor boy, with few advantages in the way of disease, I + have resolutely carved my way up to the dizzy heights of fame as a chronic + invalid and drug-soaked relic of other days. I inherited no disease + whatever. My ancestors were poor and healthy. They bequeathed me no snug + little nucleus of fashionable malaria such as other boys had. I was + obliged to acquire it myself. Yet I was not discouraged. The results have + shown that disease is not alone the heritage of the wealthy and the great. + The poorest of us may become eminent invalids if we will only go at it in + the right way. But I started out to say something on the subject of + health, for there are still many common people who would rather be healthy + and unknown than obtain distinction with some dazzling new disease. + </p> + <p> + Noticing many years ago that imperfect mastication and dyspepsia walked + hand in hand, so to speak, Mr. Gladstone adopted in his family a regular + mastication scale; for instance, thirty-two bites for steak, twenty-two + for fish, and so forth. Now I take this idea and improve upon it. Two + statesmen can always act better in concert if they will do so. + </p> + <p> + With Mr. Gladstone's knowledge of the laws of health and my own + musical genius, I have hit on a way to make eating not only a duty, but a + pleasure. Eating is too frequently irksome. There is nothing about it to + make it attractive. + </p> + <p> + What we need is a union of mush and melody, if I may be allowed that + expression. Mr. Gladstone has given us the graduated scale, so that we + know just what metre a bill of fare goes in as quick as we look at it. In + this way the day is not far distant when music and mastication will march + down through the dim vista of years together. + </p> + <p> + The Baked Bean Chant, the Vermicelli Waltz, the Mush and Milk March, the + sad and touchful Pumpkin Pie Refrain, the gay and rollicking Oxtail Soup + Gallop, and the melting Ice Cream Serenade will yet be common musical + names. + </p> + <p> + Taking different classes of food, I have set them to music in such a way + that the meal, for instance, may open with a Soup Overture, to be followed + by a Roast Beef March in C, and so on, closing with a kind of Mince Pie La + Somnambula pianissimo in G. Space, of course, forbids an extended + description of this idea as I propose to carry it out, but the conception + is certainly grand. Let us picture the jaws of a whole family moving in + exact time to a Strauss waltz on the silent remains of the late lamented + hen, and we see at once how much real pleasure may be added to the process + of mastication. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0192}.jpg" alt="{0192}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0192}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Blase Young Man. + </h2> + <p> + I have just formed the acquaintance of a <i>blase</i> young man. I have + been on an extended trip with him. He is about twenty-two years old, but + he is already weary of life. He was very careful all the time never to be + exuberant. No matter how beautiful the landscape, he never allowed himself + to exube. + </p> + <p> + Several times I succeeded in startling him enough to say “Ah!” + but that was all. He had the air all the time of a man who had been reared + in luxury and fondled so much in the lap of wealth that he was weary of + life, and yearned for a bright immortality. I have often wished that the + pruning-hook of time would use a little more discretion. The <i>blase</i> + young man seemed to be tired all the time. He was weary of life because + life was hollow. + </p> + <p> + He seemed to hanker for the cool and quiet grave. I wished at times that + the hankering might have been more mutual. But what does a cool, quiet + grave want of a young man who never did anything but breathe the nice pure + air into his froggy lungs and spoil it for everybody else? + </p> + <p> + This young man had a large grip-sack with him which he frequently + consulted. I glanced into it once while he left it open. It was not right, + but I did it. I saw the following articles in it: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +31 Assorted Neckties. + 1 pair Socks (whole). + 1 pair do. (not so whole). +17 Collars. + 1 Shirt + 1 quart Cuff-Buttons. + 1 suit discouraged Gauze Underwear. + 1 box Speckled Handkerchiefs. + 1 box Condition Powders. + 1 Toothbrush (prematurely bald). + 1 copy Martin F. Tupper's Works. + 1 box Prepared Chalk. + 1 Pair Tweezers for encouraging Moustache to come out to breakfast. + 1 Powder Rag. + 1 Gob ecru-colored Taffy. + 1 Hair-brush, with Ginger Hair in it. + 1 Pencil to pencil Moustache at night. + 1 Bread and Milk Poultice to put on Moustache on retiring, so that it will + not forget to come out again the next day. + 1 Box Trix for the breath. + 1 Box Chloride of Lime to use in case breath becomes unmanageable. + 1 Ear-spoon (large size). + 1 Plain Mourning Head for Cane. + 1 Vulcanized Rubber Head for Cane (to bite on). + 1 Shoe-horn to use in working Ears into Ear-Muffs. + 1 Pair Corsets. + 1 Dark-brown Wash for Mouth, to be used in the morning. + 1 Large Box <i>Ennui</i>, to be used in Society. + 1 Box Spruce Gum, made in Chicago and warranted pure. + 1 Gallon Assorted Shirt Studs. + 1 Polka-dot Handkerchief to pin in side pocket, but not for nose. + 1 Plain Handkerchief for nose. + 1 Fancy Head for Cane (morning). + 1 Fancy Head for Cane (evening). + 1 Picnic Head for Cane. + 1 Bottle Peppermint. + 1 do. Catnip. + 1 Waterbury Watch. + 7 Chains for same. + 1 Box Letter Paper. + 1 Stick Sealing Wax (baby blue). + 1 do “ (Bismarck brindle). + 1 do “ (mashed gooseberry). + 1 Seal for same. + 1 Family Crest (wash-tub rampant on a field calico). +</pre> + <p> + {Illustration: HE IS NIX BONUM.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9194}.jpg" alt="{9194}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9194}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + There were other little articles of virtu and bric-a-brac till you couldn't + rest, but these were all that I could see thoroughly before he returned + from the wash-room. + </p> + <p> + I do not like the <i>blase</i> young man as a traveling companion. He is + <i>nix bonum</i>. He is too <i>E pluribus</i> for me. He is not <i>de trop</i> + or <i>sciatica</i> enough to suit my style. + </p> + <p> + If he belonged to me I would picket him out somewhere in a hostile Indian + country, and then try to nerve myself up for the result. + </p> + <p> + It is better to go through life reading the signs on the ten-story + buildings and acquiring knowledge, than to dawdle and “Ah!” + adown our pathway to the tomb and leave no record for posterity except + that we had a good neck to pin a necktie upon. It is not pleasant to be + called green, but I would rather be green and aspiring than <i>blase</i> + and hide-bound at nineteen. + </p> + <p> + Let us so live that when at last we pass away our friends will not be + immediately and uproariously reconciled to our death. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + History of Babylon. + </h2> + <p> + The history of Babylon is fraught with sadness. It illustrates, only too + painfully, that the people of a town make or mar its success rather than + the natural resources and advantages it may possess on the start. + </p> + <p> + Thus Babylon, with 3,000 years the start of Minneapolis, is to-day a hole + in the ground, while Minneapolis socks her XXXX flour into every corner of + the globe, and the price of real estate would make a common dynasty totter + on its throne. + </p> + <p> + Babylon is a good illustration of the decay of a town that does not keep + up with the procession. Compare her to-day with Kansas City. While Babylon + was the capital of Chaldea, 1,270 years before the birth of Christ, and + Kansas City was organized so many years after that event that many of the + people there have forgotten all about it, Kansas City has doubled her + population in ten years, while Babylon is simply a gothic hole in the + ground. + </p> + <p> + Why did trade and emigration turn their backs upon Babylon and seek out + Minneapolis, St. Paul, Kansas City and Omaha? Was it because they were + blest with a bluer sky or a more genial sun? Not by any means. While + Babylon lived upon what she had been and neglected to advertise, other + towns with no history extending back into the mouldy past, whooped with an + exceeding great whoop and tore up the ground and shed printers' ink + and showed marked signs of vitality. That is the reason that Babylon is no + more. + </p> + <p> + This life of ours is one of intense activity. We cannot rest long in + idleness without inviting forgetfulness, death and oblivion. “Babylon + was probably the largest and most magnificent city of the ancient world.” + Isaiah, who lived about 300 years before Herodotus, and whose remarks are + unusually free from local or political prejudice, refers to Babylon as + “the glory of kingdoms, the beauty of the Chaldic's + excellency,” and, yet, while Cheyenne has the electric light and two + daily papers, Babylon hasn't got so much as a skating rink. + </p> + <p> + A city fourteen miles square with a brick wall around it 355 feet high, + she has quietly forgotten to advertise, and in turn she, also, is + forgotten. + </p> + <p> + Babylon was remarkable for the two beautiful palaces, one on each side of + the river, and the great temple of Belus. Connected with one of these + palaces was the hanging garden, regarded by the Greeks as one of the seven + wonders of the world, but that was prior to the erection of the Washington + monument and civil service reform. + </p> + <p> + This was a square of 400 Greek feet on each side. The Greek foot was not + so long as the modern foot introduced by Miss Mills, of Ohio. This garden + was supported on several tiers of open arches, built one over the other, + like the walls of a classic theatre, and sustaining at each stage, or + story, a solid platform from which the arches of the next story sprung. + This structure was also supported by the common council of Babylon, who + came forward with the city funds, and helped to sustain the immense + weight. + </p> + <p> + It is presumed that Nebuchadnezzar erected this garden before his mind + became affected. The tower of Belus, supposed by historians with a good + memory to have been 600 feet high, as there is still a red chalk mark in + the sky where the top came, was a great thing in its way. I am glad I was + not contiguous to it when it fell, and also that I had omitted being born + prior to that time. + </p> + <p> + “When we turn from this picture of the past,” says the + historian, Rawlinson, referring to the beauties of Babylon, “to + contemplate the present condition of these localities, we are at first + struck with astonishment at the small traces which remain of so vast and + wonderful a metropolis. The broad walls of Babylon are utterly broken + down. God has swept it with the besom of destruction.” + </p> + <p> + One cannot help wondering why the use of the besom should have been + abandoned. As we gaze upon the former site of Babylon we are forced to + admit that the new besom sweeps clean. On its old site no crumbling arches + or broken columns are found to indicate her former beauty. Here and there + huge heaps of debris alone indicate that here Godless wealth and wicked, + selfish, indolent, enervating, ephemeral pomp, rose and defied the supreme + laws to which the bloated, selfish millionaire and the hard-handed, hungry + laborer alike must bow, and they are dust to-day. + </p> + <p> + Babylon has fallen. I do not say this in a sensational way or to + depreciate the value of real estate there, but from actual observation, + and after a full investigation, I assent without fear of successful + contradiction, that Babylon has seen her best days. Her boomlet is busted, + and, to use a political phrase, her oriental hide is on the Chaldean + fence. + </p> + <p> + Such is life. We enter upon it reluctantly; we wade through it doubtfully, + and die at last timidly. How we Americans do blow about what we can do + before breakfast, and, yet, even in our own brief history, how we have + demonstrated what a little thing the common two-legged man is. He rises up + rapidly to acquire much wealth, and if he delays about going to Canada he + goes to Sing Sing, and we forget about him. There are lots of modern + Babylonians in New York City to-day, and if it were my business I would + call their attention to it. The assertion that gold will procure all + things has been so common and so popular that too many consider first the + bank account, and after that honor, home, religion, humanity and common + decency. Even some of the churches have fallen into the notion that first + comes the tall church, then the debt and mortgage, the ice cream sociable + and the kingdom of Heaven. Cash and Christianity go hand in hand + sometimes, but Christianity ought not to confer respectability on anybody + who comes into the church to purchase it. + </p> + <p> + I often think of the closing appeal of the old preacher, who was more + earnest than refined, perhaps, and in winding up his brief sermon on the + Christian life, said: “A man may lose all his wealth and get poor + and hungry and still recover, he may lose his health and come down close + to the dark stream and still git well again, but, when he loses his + immortal soul it is good-bye John.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Lovely Horrors. + </h2> + <p> + I dropped in the other day to see New York's great congress of wax + figures and soft statuary carnival. It is quite a success. The first thing + you do on entering is to contribute to the pedestal fund. New York this + spring is mostly a large rectangular box with a hole in the top, through + which the genial public is cordially requested to slide a dollar to give + the goddess of liberty a boom. + </p> + <p> + I was astonished and appalled at the wealth of apertures in Gotham through + which I was expected to slide a dime to assist some deserving object. + Every little while you run into a free-lunch room where there is a model + ship that will start up and operate if you feed it with a nickle. I never + visited a town that offered so many inducements for early and judicious + investments as New York. + </p> + <p> + But we were speaking of the wax works. I did not tarry long to notice the + presidents of the United States embalmed in wax, or to listen to the band + of lutists who furnished music in the winter garden. I ascertained where + the chamber of horrors was located, and went there at once. It is lovely. + I have never seen a more successful aggregation of horrors under one roof + and at one price of admission. + </p> + <p> + If you want to be shocked at cost, or have your pores opened for a merely + nominal price, and see a show that you will never forget as long as you + live, that is the place to find it. I never invested my money so as to get + so large a return for it, because I frequently see the whole show yet in + the middle of the night, and the cold perspiration ripples down my spinal + column just as it did the first time I saw it. + </p> + <p> + The chamber of horrors certainly furnishes a very durable show. I don't + think I was ever more successfully or economically horrified. + </p> + <p> + I got quite nervous after a while, standing in the dim religious light + watching the lovely horrors. But it is the saving of money that I look at + most. I have known men to pay out thousands of dollars for a collection of + delirium tremens and new-laid horrors no better than these that you get on + week days for fifty cents and on Sundays for two bits. Certainly New York + is the place where you get your money's worth. + </p> + <p> + There are horrors there in that crypt that are well worth double the price + of admission. One peculiarity of the chamber of horrors is that you + finally get nervous when anyone touches you, and you immediately suspect + that he is a horror who has come out of his crypt to get a breath of fresh + air and stretch his legs. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE WAS GREATLY ANNOYED.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8199}.jpg" alt="{8199} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8199}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + That is the reason I shuddered a little when I felt a man's hand in + my pocket. It was so unexpected, and the surroundings were such that I + must have appeared startled. The man was a stranger to me, though I could + see that he was a perfect gentleman. His clothes were superior to mine in + every way, and he had a certain refinement of manners which betrayed his + ill-concealed Knickerbocker lineage high. + </p> + <p> + I said, “Sir, you will find my fine cut tobacco in the other pocket.” + This startled him so that he wheeled about and wildly dashed into the arms + of a wax policeman near the door. When he discovered that he was in the + clutches of a suit of second-hand clothes filled with wax, he seemed to be + greatly annoyed and strode rapidly away. + </p> + <p> + I returned to view a chaste and truthful scene where one man had + successfully killed another with a club. I leaned pensively against a + column with my own spinal column, wrapped in thought. + </p> + <p> + Pretty soon a young gentleman from New Jersey with an Adam's apple + on him like a full-grown yam, and accompanied by a young lady also from + the mosquito jungles of Jersey, touched me on the bosom with his umbrella + and began to explain me to his companion. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THIS IS JESSE JAMES.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9200}.jpg" alt="{9200}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9200}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “This,” said the Adam's apple with the young man + attached to it, “is Jesse James, the great outlaw chief from + Missouri. How life-like he is. Little would you think, Emeline, that he + would as soon disembowel a bank, kill the entire board of directors of a + railroad company and ride off the rolling stock, as you would wrap + yourself around a doughnut. How tender and kind he looks. He not only + looks gentle and peaceful, but he looks to me as if he wasn't real + bright.” + </p> + <p> + I then uttered a piercing shriek and the young man from New Jersey went + away. Nothing is so embarrassing to an eminent man as to stand quietly + near and hear people discuss him. + </p> + <p> + But it is remarkable to see people get fooled at a wax show. Every day a + wax figure is taken for a live man, and live people are mistaken for wax. + I took hold of a waxen hand in one corner of the winter garden to see if + the ring was a real diamond, and it flew up and took me across the ear in + such a life-like manner that my ear is still hot and there is a roaring in + my head that sounds very disagreeable, indeed. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Bite of a Mad Dog. + </h2> + <p> + A “Family Physician,” published in 1883, says, for the bite of + a mad dog: “Take ash-colored ground liverwort, cleaned, dried, and + powdered, half an ounce; of black pepper, powdered, a quarter of an ounce. + Mix these well together, and divide the powder into four doses, one of + which must be taken every morning, fasting, for four mornings successively + in half an English pint of cow's milk, warm. After these four doses + are taken, the patient must go into the cold bath, or a cold spring or + river, every morning, fasting, for a month. He must be dipped all over, + but not stay in (with his head above water) longer than half a minute if + the water is very cold. After this he must go in three times a week for a + fortnight longer. He must be bled before he begins to take the medicine.” + </p> + <p> + It is very difficult to know just what is best to do when a person is + bitten by a mad dog, but my own advice would be to kill the dog. After + that feel of the leg where bitten, and ascertain how serious the injury + has been. Then go home and put on another pair of pantaloons, throwing + away those that have been lacerated. Parties having but one pair of + pantaloons will have to sequester themselves or excite remarks. Then take + a cold bath, as suggested above, but do not remain in the bath (with the + head above water) more than half an hour. If the head is under water, you + may remain in the bath until the funeral, if you think best. + </p> + <p> + When going into the bath it would be well to take something in your pocket + to bite, in case the desire to bite something should overcome you. Some + use a common shingle-nail for this purpose, while others prefer a personal + friend. In any event, do not bite a total stranger on an empty stomach. It + might make you ill. + </p> + <p> + Never catch a dog by the tail if he has hydrophobia. Although that end of + the dog is considered the most safe, you never know when a mad dog may + reverse himself. + </p> + <p> + If you meet a mad dog on the street, do not stop and try to quell him with + a glance of the eye. Many have tried to do that, and it took several days + to separate the two and tell which was mad dog and which was queller. + </p> + <p> + The real hydrophobia dog generally ignores kindness, and devotes himself + mostly to the introduction of his justly celebrated virus. A good thing to + do on observing the approach of a mad dog is to flee, and remain fled + until he has disappeared. + </p> + <p> + Hunting mad dogs in a crowded street is great sport. A young man with a + new revolver shooting at a mad dog is a fine sight. He may not kill the + dog, but he might shoot into a covey of little children and possibly get + one. + </p> + <p> + It would be a good plan to have a balloon inflated and tied in the back + yard during the season in which mad dogs mature, and get into it on the + approach of the infuriated animal (get into the balloon, I mean, not the + dog). + </p> + <p> + This plan would not work well, however, in case a cyclone should come at + the same time. When we consider all the uncertainties of life, and the + danger from hydrophobia, cyclones and breach of promise, it seems + sometimes as though the penitentiary was the only place where a man could + be absolutely free from anxiety. + </p> + <p> + If you discover that your dog has hydrophobia, it is absolutely foolish to + try to cure him of the disease. The best plan is to trade him off at once + for anything you can get. Do not stop to haggle over the price, but close + him right out below cost. + </p> + <p> + Do not tie a tin can to the tail of a mad dog. It only irritates him, and + he might resent it before you get the can tied on. A friend of mine, who + was a practical joker, once sought to tie a tin can to the tail of a mad + dog on an empty stomach. His widow still points with pride to the marks of + his teeth on the piano. If mad dogs would confine themselves exclusively + to practical jokers, I would be glad to endow a home for indigent mad dogs + out of my own private funds. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0073" id="link2H_4_0073"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Arnold Winkelreid. + </h2> + <p> + This great man lived in the old romantic days when it was a common thing + for a patriot to lay down his life that his country might live. He knew + not fear, and in his noble heart his country was always on top. Not alone + at election did Arnold sacrifice himself, but on the tented field, where + the buffalo grass was soaked in gore, did he win for himself a deathless + name. He was as gritty as a piece of liver rolled in the sand. Where glory + waited, there you would always find Arnold Winkelreid at the bat, with + William Tell on deck. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: CLEAR THE TRACK.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8203}.jpg" alt="{8203} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8203}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + One day the army of the tyrant got a scoop on the rebel mountaineers and + it looked bad for the struggling band of chamois shooters. While Arnold's + detachment didn't seem to amount to a hill of beans, the hosts of + the tyrannical Austrian loomed up like six bits and things looked + forbidding. It occurred to Colonel Winkelreid that the correct thing would + be to break through the war front of the enemy, and then, while in his + rear, crash in his cranium with a cross gun while he was looking the other + way. Acting on this thought, he asked several of his most trusted men to + break through the Austrian line, so that the balance of the command could + pass through and slaughter enough of the enemy for a mess, but these men + seemed a little reticent about doing so, owing to the inclemency of the + weather and the threatening aspect of the enemy. The armed foe swarmed on + every hillside and their burnished spears glittered below in the canon. + You couldn't throw a stone in any direction without hitting a + phalanx. It was a good year for the phalanx business. + </p> + <p> + Then Arnold took off his suspenders, and, putting a fresh chew of tobacco + in among his back teeth, he told his men to follow him and he would show + them his little racket. Marching up to the solid line of lances, he + gathered an armful and put them in the pit of his stomach, and, as he sank + to the earth, he spoke in a shrill tone of voice to posterity, saying, + “Clear the track for Liberty.” He then died. + </p> + <p> + His remains looked like a toothpick holder. + </p> + <p> + But he made way for Liberty, and his troops were victorious. + </p> + <p> + At the inquest it was shown that he might have recovered, had not the + spears sat so hard on his stomach. + </p> + <p> + Probably A. Winkelreid will be remembered with gratitude long after the + name of the Sweet Singer of Michigan shall have rotted in oblivion. He + recognized and stuck to his proper spear. (This is a little mirthful + deviation of my own.) + </p> + <p> + I can think of some men now, even in this $ age of the world, who could + win glory by doing as A.W. did. They could offer themselves up. They could + suffer for the right and have their names passed down to posterity, and it + would be perfectly splendid. + </p> + <p> + But the heroes of to-day are different. They are just as courageous, but + they take a wheelbarrow and push it from New York to San Francisco, or + they starve forty days and forty nights and then eat watermelon and + lecture, or they eat 800 snipe in 800 years, or get an inspiration and + kill somebody with it. + </p> + <p> + The heroes of our day do not wear peaked hats and shoot chamois, and sass + tyrants and knock the worm out of an apple at fifty-nine yards rise with a + cross gun, as Tell did, but they know how to be loved by the people and + get half of the gate money. They are brave, but not mortally. The heroes + of our day all die of old age or political malaria. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0074" id="link2H_4_0074"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Murray and the Mormons. + </h2> + <p> + Gov. Murray, the gritty Gentile governor of Utah, would be noticed in a + crowd. He is very tall, yet well proportioned, square-built and handsome. + He was called fine looking in Kentucky, but the narrow-chested apostle of + the abnormally connubial creed does not see anything pretty about him. + Murray moves about through Salt Lake City in a cool, self-possessed kind + of way that is very annoying to the church. Full-bearded, with brown + moustache and dark hair parted a little to leeward of center; clothed in a + diagonal Prince Albert coat, a silk hat and other clothes, he strolls + through Zion like a man who hasn't got a yelping majority of + ignorant lepers, led by a remorseless gang of nickel-plated apostles, + thirsting for his young blood. I really believe he don't care a + continental. The days of the avenging angel and the meek-eyed Danite, + carrying a large sock loaded with buckshot, are over, perhaps; but only + those who try to be Gentiles in a land of polygamous wives and anonymous + white-eyed children, know how very unpopular it is. Judge Goodwin, of the + Tribune, feels lonesome if he gets through the day without a poorly + spelled, spattered, daubed and profane valentine threatening his life. The + last time I saw him he showed me a few of them. They generally referred to + him as a blankety blank “skunk,” and a “hound of hell.” + He said he hoped I wound pardon him for the apparent egotism, but he felt + as though the Tribune was attracting attention almost everyday. Some of + these little billet-doux invited him to call at a trysting place on + Tribune avenue and get his alleged brains scattered over a vacant lot. + Most all of them threatened him with a rectangular head, a tin ear, or a + watch pocket under the eye He didn't seem to care much. He felt + pleased and proud. Goodwin was always pleased with things that other men + didn't like much. In the old days, when he and Mark Twain and Dan + DeQuille were together, this was noticed in him. Gov. Murray is the same + way. He feels the public pulse, and says to himself: “Sometime there's + going to be music here by the entire band, and I desire to be where I shan't + miss a note.” + </p> + <p> + There are people who think the Mormons will not fight. Perhaps not. They + won't if they are let alone, and allowed to fill the sage brush and + line the banks of the Jordan with juvenile <i>nom de plumes</i>. They are + peaceful while they may populate Utah and invade adjoining territories + with their herds of ostensible wives and prattling progeny; while they can + bring in every year via Castle Garden and the stock yards palace emigrant + car, thousands of proselyted paupers from every pest house of Europe, and + the free-love idiots of America. But when Murray gets an act of congress + at his back and a squad of nervy, gamy, law-abiding monogamous assistants + appointed by the president under that act of congress to knock crosswise + and crooked the Jim Crow revelations of Utah and Mormondom, you will see + the fur fly, and the fragrant follower of a false prophet will rise up + William Riley and the regular army will feel lonesome. I asked a staff + officer in one of the territories last summer what would be the result if + the Mormons, with their home drill and their arms and their devotion to + home and their fraudulent religion, should awake Nicodemas and begin to + massacre the Gentiles, and the regular army should be sent over the + Wasatch range to quell the trouble. + </p> + <p> + “Why,” said he, “the white-eyed followers of Mormonism + would kill the regular army with clubs. You can wear out a tribe of + hostile Indians when the grass gives out and the antelope hunts the + foothills, but the Mormons make everything they eat, drink and wear. They + don't care whether there's tariff or free trade. They can make + everything from gunpowder to a knit undershirt, from a $250 revelation to + a hand-made cocktail. When a church gets where it can make such cooking + whisky as the Mormons do, it is time to call for volunteers and put down + the hydra-headed monster.” + </p> + <p> + If congress don't step on a technicality and fall down, it looks + like amusement ahead, and if a District of Columbia rule, or martial law, + or tocsin of war is the result, Gov. Murray is a good style of war + governor. He isn't the kind of a man to put on his wife's + gossamer cloak and meander over into Montana. He would give the matter his + attention, and you would find him in the neighborhood when the national + government decided to sit down on disorderly conduct in Utah. The first + lever to be used will be the great wealth of which the Mormon church and + its members privately are possessed. Then the oleaginous prophet will get + a revelation to gird up his loins and to load the double-barrel shotgun, + and fire the culverin, and to knock monogamy into a cocked hat. Money + first and massacre second. They can draw on their revelation supply house + at three days, any time, for authority to fill the irrigation ditches of + Zion with the blood of the Gentile and feed his vital organs to the + coyote. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0075" id="link2H_4_0075"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + About Geology. + </h2> + <p> + Geology is that branch of natural science which treats of the structure of + the earth's crust and the mode of formation of its rocks. It is a + pleasant and profitable study, and to the man who has married rich and + does not need to work, the amusement of busting geology with the Bible, or + busting the Bible with geology is indeed a great boon. + </p> + <p> + Geology goes hand in hand with zoology, botany, physical geography and + other kindred sciences. Taxidermy, chiropody and theology are not kindred + sciences. + </p> + <p> + Geologists ascertain the age of the earth by looking at its teeth and + counting the wrinkles on its horns. They have learned that the earth is + not only of great age, but that it is still adding to its age from year to + year. + </p> + <p> + It is hard to say very much of a great science in so short an article, and + that is one great obstacle which I am constantly running against as a + scientist. + </p> + <p> + I once prepared a paper in astronomy entitled “The Chronological + History and Habits of the Spheres.” It was very exhaustive and + weighed four pounds. I sent it to a scientific publication that was + supposed to be working for the advancement of our race. The editor did not + print it, but he wrote me a crisp and saucy postal card, requesting me to + call with a dray and remove my stuff before the board of health got after + it. In five short years from that time he was a corpse. As I write these + lines, I learn with ill-concealed pleasure that he is still a corpse. An + awful dispensation of Providence, in the shape of a large, wilted + cucumber, laid hold upon his vitals and cursed him with an inward pain. He + has since had the opportunity, by actual personal observation, to see + whether the statements by me relating to astronomy were true. His last + words were: “Friends, Romans and countrymen, beware of the q-cumber. + It will w up.” It was not original, but it was good. + </p> + <p> + The four great primary periods of the earth's history are as + follows, viz, to-wit: + </p> + <p> + 1. The Eozoic or dawn of life. + </p> + <p> + 2. The Palaeozoic or period of ancient life. + </p> + <p> + 3. The Mesozoic or middle period of life. + </p> + <p> + 4. The Neozoic or recent period of life. + </p> + <p> + These are all subdivided again, and other words more difficult to spell + are introduced into science, thus crowding out the vulgar herd who cannot + afford to use the high priced terms in constant conversation. + </p> + <p> + Old timers state that the primitive condition of the earth was extremely + damp. With the onward march of time, and after the lapse of millions of + years, men found that they could get along with less and less water, until + at last we see the pleasant, blissful state of things. Aside from the use + of water at our summer resorts, that fluid is getting to be less and less + popular. And even here at these resorts it is generally flavored with some + foreign substance. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE MASTODON.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0208}.jpg" alt="{0208}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0208}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + The earth's crust is variously estimated in the matter of thickness. + Some think it is 2,500 miles thick, which would make it safe to run heavy + trains across the earth anywhere on top of a second mortgage, while other + scientists say that if we go down one-tenth of that distance we will reach + a place where the worm dieth not. I do not wish to express an opinion as + to the actual depth or thickness of the earth's crust, but I believe + that it is none too thick to suit me. + </p> + <p> + Thickness in the earth's crust is a mighty good fault. We estimate + the age of certain strata of the earth's formation by means of a + union of our knowledge of plant and animal life, coupled with our + geological research and a good memory. The older scientists in the field + of geology do not rely solely upon the tracks of the hadrasaurus or the + cornucopia for their data. They simply use these things to refresh their + memory. + </p> + <p> + I wish that I had time and space to describe some of the beautiful + bacteria and gigantic worms that formerly inhabited the earth. Such an + aggregation of actual, living Silurian monsters, any one of which would + make a man a fortune to-day, if it could be kept on ice and exhibited for + one season only. You could take a full grown mastodon to-day, and with no + calliope, no lithographs, no bearded lady, no clown with four pillows in + his pantaloons and no iron-jawed woman, you could go across this continent + and successfully compete with the skating rink. + </p> + <p> + There would be but one difficulty. Tour expenses would not be heavy. The + mastodon would be willing to board around, and no one would feel like + turning a mastodon out of doors if he seemed to be hungry; but he might + get away from you and frolic away so far in one night that you couldn't + get him for a day or two, even if you sent a detective for him. + </p> + <p> + If I had a mastodon I would rather take him when he was young, and then I + could make a pet of him, so that he could come and eat out of my hand + without taking the hand off at the same time. A large mastodon weighing a + hundred tons or so is awkward, too. I suppose that nothing is more painful + than to be stepped on by an adult mastodon. + </p> + <p> + I hope at some future time to write a paper for the Academy of Science on + the subject of “Deceased Fauna, Fossiliferous Debris and Extinct + Jokes,” showing how, when and why these early forms of animal life + came to be extinct. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0076" id="link2H_4_0076"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Wallula Night. + </h2> + <p> + I have just returned after a short tour in the far West. I made the tour + with my new lecture, which I am delivering this winter for the benefit, + and under the auspices, of a young man who was a sufferer in the great + rise-up-William-Biley-and-come-along-with-me cyclone, which occurred at + Clear Lake, in this State, a year ago last September. + </p> + <p> + In said cyclone, said young man was severely caressed by the elements, and + tipped over in such a way as to shatter the right leg, just below the + gambrel joint. I therefore started out to deliver a few lectures for his + benefit, and in so doing have made a 4,000 mile trip over the Northern + Pacific railway, and the Oregon River and Navigation company's road. + On the former line the passenger is fed by means of the dining-car, a very + good style of entertainment, indeed, and well worthy of the age in which + we live; but at Wallula Junction I stopped over to catch a west-bound + Oregon Railway and Navigation train. + </p> + <p> + That was where I fooled myself. I should have taken my valise and a rubber + door mat from the sleeping-car, and crawled into the lee of a snow fence + for the night. I did not give the matter enough thought. I just simply + went into the hotel and registered my name as a man would in other hotels. + This house was kept, or retained, I should say, by a relative of the late + Mr. Shylock. You have heard, no doubt, how some of the American hotels + have frowned on Mr. Shylock's relatives. Well, Mr. Shylock's + family got even with the whole American people the night I stopped in No. + 2, second floor of the Abomination of Desolation. As a representative of + the American people, I received for my nation, vicariously, the stripes + intended for many generations. + </p> + <p> + No. 2 is regarded as a room by people who have not been in it. By those + who have, it is looked upon as a morgue. + </p> + <p> + When I stepped into it, I noticed an odor of the dead past. It made me + shudder my overshoes off. The first thing that attracted my attention + after I was left alone, was the fact that other people had occupied this + room before I had, and, although they were gone, they had left a kind of + an air of inferiority that clung to the alleged apartment, an air of plug + tobacco and perspiration, if you will pardon the expression. + </p> + <p> + They had also left a pair of Venetian pantaloons. From this clue, my + active brain at once worked out the problem and settled the fact that the + party who had immediately preceded me was a man. Long and close study of + the habits and characteristics of humanity has taught me to reason out + these matters, and to reach accurate conclusions with astonishing + rapidity. + </p> + <p> + He was not only a man, but he was a short man, with parenthetical legs and + a thoughtful droop to the seat of his pants. I also discovered that more + of this man's life had been expended in sitting on a pitch pine log + than in prayer. + </p> + <p> + One of his front teeth was gone, also. This I learned from a large cast of + his mouth, shown on the end of a plug of tobacco still left in the pocket. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: IN SUSPENSE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8211}.jpg" alt="{8211} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8211}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + In Wallula there is a marked feeling of childlike trust and confidence + between people. It is a feature of Wallula society, I may say. The people + of the junction trust strangers to a remarkable extent. In what other town + in this whole republic would a pair of pantaloons be thus left in the + complete power of a total stranger, a stranger, too, to whom pantaloons + were a great boon? I could easily have caught those pantaloons off the + nail, thrust them into my bosom, and fled past the drowsy night clerk, out + into the great, sheltering arms of the silent night, but I did not. + </p> + <p> + Anon through the long hours I would awake and listen fitfully to the wail + of damned souls, as it seemed to me, the wail of those who tried to stay + there a week, and had starved to death. Here was their favorite wailing + place. Here was the place where damned souls seemed to throw aside all + restraint and have a good time. I tried to keep out the sound by stuffing + the pillow in my ear, but what is a cheap hotel pillow in a man's + ear, if he wants to keep the noise out. + </p> + <p> + So I lay there and listened to the soft sigh of the bath tub, the loud, + defiant challenge of the athletic butler down stairs, the last weak death + rattle in the throat of the coffee pot in the dining room, and the wail of + the damned souls who had formerly stopped at this hotel, but who had been + rescued at last, and had hilariously gone to perdition, only to come back + at night and torment the poor guest by bragging over the superiority of + hell as a refuge from the Wallula hotel. + </p> + <p> + Now and then in the night I would almost yield to a wild impulse and catch + those pantaloons off the hook, to rush out and go to Canada with them, and + then I would softly go through the pockets and hang them back again. + </p> + <p> + It was an awful night. When morning dawned at last, and I took the pillow + out of my ear and looked in the delirious and soap-spattered mirror, I saw + that my beautiful hair, which had been such a source of pride to me ten + years ago, had disappeared in places. I paid my bill, called the attention + of the landlord to the fact that I had not taken those pantaloons and + 'betrayed' his trust, and then I went away. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0077" id="link2H_4_0077"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Flying Machines. + </h2> + <p> + A long and exhaustive examination of the history of flying machines + enables me to give briefly some of the main points of a few, for the + benefit of those who may be interested in this science. I give what I do + in order to prepare the public to take advantage of the different methods, + and be ready at once to fly as soon as the weather gets pleasant. + </p> + <p> + A Frenchman invented a flying-machine, or dofunny, as we scientists would + term it, in 1600 and something, whereby he could sail down from the + woodshed and not break his neck. He could not rise from the ground like a + lark and trill a few notes as he skimmed through the sky, but he could + fall off an ordinary hay stack like a setting hen, with the aid of his + wings. His name was Besnier. + </p> + <p> + One hundred and twenty-five years after that a prisoner at Vienna, named + Jacob Dagen, told the jailer that he could fly. The jailer seemed + incredulous, and so Jake constructed a pair of double barrel umbrellas, + that worked by hand, and fluttered with his machine into the air fifty + feet. He came down in a direct line, and in doing so ran one of the + umbrellas through his thorax. I am glad it is not the custom now to wear + an umbrella in the thorax. + </p> + <p> + In England, during the present century, several inventors produced flying + machines, but in an evil hour agreed to rise on them themselves, and so + they died from their injuries. Some came down on top of the machines, + while others preceded their inventions by a few feet, but the result was + the same. The invention of flying machines has always been handicapped, as + it were, by this fact Men invent a flying machine and then try to ride it + and show it off, and thus they are prevented by death from perfecting + their rolling stock and securing their right of way. + </p> + <p> + In 1842, Mr. William Henderson got out a “two-propeller” + machine, and tried to incorporate a company to utilize it for the purpose + of carrying letters, running errands, driving home the cows, lighting the + Northern Lights and skimming the cream off the Milky Way, but it didn't + seem to compete very successfully with other modes of travel, and so Mr. + Henderson wrapped it up in an old tent and put it away in the hay-mow. + </p> + <p> + In 1853, Mr. J.H. Johnson patented a balloon and parachute dingus which + worked on the principle of a duck's foot in the mud. I use + scientific terms because I am unable to express myself in the common + language of the vulgar herd. This machine had a tail which, under great + excitement, it would throw over the dash board as it bounded through the + air. + </p> + <p> + Probably the biggest thing in its way under this head was the revival of + flying under the presidency of the Duke of Argyle, the society being + called the Aeronautical Society of Great Britain. This society made some + valuable calculations and experiments in the interest of aerostation, + adding much to our scientific knowledge, and filling London with cripples. + </p> + <p> + In 1869, Mr. Joseph T. Kaufman invented and turned loose upon the people + of Glasgow an infernal machine intended to soar considerably in a quiet + kind of way and to be propelled by steam. It looked like the bird known to + ornithology as the <i>flyupithecrick</i>, and had an air brake, patent + coupler, buffer and platform. It was intended to hold two men on ice and a + rosewood casket with silver handles. It was mounted on wheels, and, as it + did not seem to skim through the air very much, the people of Glasgow + hitched a clothes line to it and used it for a band wagon. + </p> + <p> + Rufus Porter invented an aerial dewdad ten years ago in Connecticut, where + so many crimes have been committed since Mark Twain moved there. This was + called the “aeraport,” and looked like a seed wart floating + through space. This engine was worked by springs connected with + propellers. A saloon was suspended beneath it, I presume on the principle + that when a man is intoxicated he weighs a pound less. This machine flew + around the rotunda of the Merchants' Exchange, in New York City, + eleven times, like a hen with her head cut off, but has not been on the + wing much since then. + </p> + <p> + Other flying machines have been invented, but the air is not peopled with + them as I write. Most of them have folded their pinions and sought the + seclusion of a hen-house. It is to be hoped that very soon some such + machine will be perfected, whereby a man may flit from the fifth story + window of the Grand Pacific Hotel, in Chicago, to Montreal before + breakfast, leaving nothing in his room but the furniture and his kind + regards. + </p> + <p> + Such an invention would be hailed with much joy, and the sale would be + enormous. Now, however, the matter is still in its infancy. The mechanical + birds invented for the purpose of skimming through the ether blue, have + not skum. The machines were built with high hopes and a throbbing heart, + but the aforesaid ether remains unskum as we go to press. The Milky Way is + in the same condition, awaiting the arrival of the fearless skimmer. Will + men ever be permitted to pierce the utmost details of the sky and ramble + around among the stars with a gum overcoat on? Sometimes I trow he will, + and then again I ween not. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0078" id="link2H_4_0078"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Asking for a Pass. + </h2> + <p> + The general passenger agent of a prominent road leading out of Chicago + toward the south, tells me that he is getting a good many letters lately + asking for passes, and he complains bitterly over the awkward and + unsatisfactory style of the correspondence. Acting on this suggestion and + though a little late in the day, perhaps, I have erected the following as + a guide to those who contemplate writing under similar circumstances: + </p> + <p> + Office of The Evening Squeal, January 14, 1886. + </p> + <p> + General Passenger Agent, Great North American Gitthere R.R., Chicago, Ill. + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir.—I desire to know by return mail whether or no you would be + pleased to swap transportation for kind words. I am the editor of “The + Squeal,” published at this place. It is a paper pure in tone, world + wide in its scope and irresistible in the broad sweep of its mighty arm. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE PRESS.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9216}.jpg" alt="{9216}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9216}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I desire to visit the great exposition at New Orleans this winter, and + would be willing to yield you a few words of editorial opinion, set in + long primer type next to pure reading matter, and without advertising + marks. + </p> + <p> + My object in thus addressing you is two-fold. I have always wanted to do + your road a kind act that would put it on its feet, but I have never + before had the opportunity. This winter I feel just like it, and am not + willing, but anxious. Another object, though trivial, perhaps, to you, is + vital to me. If I do not get the pass, I am afraid I shall not reach there + till the exposition is over. You can see for yourself how important it is + that I should have transportation. Day after day the president on to the + grounds and ask if I am there. Some official will salute him and answer + sadly, “No, your highness, he has not yet arrived, but we look for + him soon. He is said to be stuck in a mud hole somewhere in Egypt.” + Then the exposition will drag on again. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: STUCK IN A MUD HOLE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8217}.jpg" alt="{8217} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8217}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + ============ + </p> + <p> + You may make the pass read, “For self, Chicago to New Orleans and + return,” and I will write the editorial, or you may make it read, + “Self and wife” and I will let you write it yourself. Nothing + is too good for my friends. When a man does me a kind act or shows signs + of affection, I just allow him to walk all over me and make himself + perfectly free with the policy of my paper. + </p> + <p> + The “Evening Squeal” has been heard everywhere. We send it to + the four winds of Heaven, and its influence is felt wherever the English + language is respected. And yet, if you want to belong to my coterie of + friends, you can make yourself just as free with its editorial columns as + you would if you owned it. + </p> + <p> + And yet “The Squeal” is a bad one to stir up. I shudder to + think what the result would be if you should incur the hatred of “The + Squeal.” Let us avoid such a subject or the possibility of such a + calamity. + </p> + <p> + “The Squeal” once opposed the candidacy of a certain man for + the office of school district clerk, and in less than four years he was a + corpse! Struck down in all his wanton pride by one of the popular diseases + of the day. + </p> + <p> + My paper at one time became the foe of a certain road which tapped the + great cranberry vineyards of northern Minnesota, and that very fall the + berries soured on the vines! + </p> + <p> + I might go on for pages to show how the pathway of “The Squeal” + has been strewn with the ruins of railroads, all prosperous and happy till + they antagonized us and sought to injure us. + </p> + <p> + I believe that the great journals and trunk lines of the land should stand + in with one another. If you have the support and moral encouragement of + the press you will feel perfectly free to run over any one who gets on + your track. Besides, if I held a pass over your road I should feel very + much reserved about printing the details of any accident, delay or washout + along your line. I aim to mould public opinion, but a man can subsidize + and corrupt me if he goes at it right. I write this to kind of give you a + pointer as to how you can go to work to do so if you see fit. + </p> + <p> + Should you wish to pervert my high moral notions in relation to railways, + please make it good for thirty days, as it may take me a week or so to + mortgage my property and get ready to go in good style. I will let you + know on what day I will be in New Orleans, so that you can come and see me + at that time. Should you have difficulty in obtaining an audience with me, + owing to the throng of crowned heads, just show this autograph letter to + the doorkeeper, and he will show you right in. Wipe your boots before + entering. + </p> + <p> + Yours truly, + </p> + <p> + Daniel Webster Briggs, Editor of “The Squeal.” + </p> + <p> + It is my opinion that no railroad official, however disobliging, would + hesitate a moment about which way he would swing after reading an epistle + after this pattern. Few, indeed, are the men who would be impolitic enough + to incur the displeasure of such a paper as I have artfully represented + “The Squeal” to be. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0079" id="link2H_4_0079"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Words About Washington. + </h2> + <p> + The name of George Washington has always had about it a glamour that made + him appear more in the light of a god than a tall man with large feet and + a mouth made to fit an old-fashioned, full-dress pumpkin pie. I use the + word glamour, not so much because I know what glamour means, but because I + have never used it before, and I am getting a little tired of the short, + easy words I have been using so long. + </p> + <p> + George Washington's face has beamed out upon us for many years now, + on postage stamps and currency, in marble, and plaster, and bronze, in + photographs of original portraits, paintings, end stereoscopic views. We + have seen him on horseback and on foot, on the war-path and on skates, + cussing his troops for their shiftlessness, and then in the solitude of + the forest, with his snorting war-horse tied to a tree, engaged in prayer. + </p> + <p> + We have seen all these pictures of George, till we are led to believe that + he did not breathe our air or eat American groceries. But George + Washington was not perfect. I say this after a long and careful study of + his life, and I do not say it to detract the very smallest iota from the + proud history of the Father of his Country. I say it simply that the boys + of America who want to become George Washingtons will not feel so timid + about trying it. + </p> + <p> + When I say that George Washington, who now lies so calmly in the limekiln + at Mount Vernon, could reprimand and reproach his subordinates at times, + in a way to make the ground crack open and break up the ice in the + Delaware a week earlier than usual, I do not mention it in order to show + the boys of our day that profanity will make them resemble George + Washington. That was one of his weak points, and no doubt he was ashamed + of it, as he ought to have been. Some poets think that if they get drunk, + and stay drunk, they will resemble Edgar A. Poe and George D. Prentice. + There are lawyers who play poker year after year, and get regularly + skinned, because they have heard that some of the able lawyers of the past + century used to come home at night with poker chips in their pockets. + </p> + <p> + Whisky will not make a poet, nor poker a great pleader. And yet I have + seen poets who relied solely on the potency of their breath, and lawyers + who knew more of the habits of a bob-tail flush than they ever did of the + statutes in such case made and provided. + </p> + <p> + George Washington was always ready. If you wanted a man to be first in + war, you could call on George. If you desired an adult who would be first + baseman in time of peace, Mr. Washington could be telephoned at any hour + of the day or night. If you needed a man to be first in the hearts of his + countrymen, George's postoffice address was at once secured. + </p> + <p> + Though he was a great man, he was once a poor boy. How often we hear that + in America! It is the place where it is a positive disadvantage to be born + wealthy. And yet, sometimes I wish they had experimented a little that way + on me. I do not ask now to be born rich, of course, because it is too + late; but it seems to me that, with my natural good sense and keen insight + into human nature, I could have struggled along under the burdens and + cares of wealth with great success. I do not care to die wealthy, but if I + could have been born wealthy, it seems to me I would have been tickled + almost to death. + </p> + <p> + I love to believe that true greatness is not accidental. To think and to + say that greatness is a lottery is pernicious. Man may be wrong sometimes + in his judgment of others, both individually and in the aggregate, but he + who gets ready to be a great man will surely find the opportunity. + </p> + <p> + Many who read the above paragraph will wonder who I got to write it for + me, but they will never find out. + </p> + <p> + In conclusion, let me say that George Washington was successful for three + reasons. One was that he never shook the confidence of his friends. + Another was that he had a strong will without being a mule. Some people + cannot distinguish between being firm and being a big blue jackass. + </p> + <p> + Another reason why Washington is loved and honored to-day, is that he died + before we had a chance to get tired of him. This is greatly superior to + the method adopted by many modern statesmen, who wait till their + constituency weary of them and then reluctantly and tardily die. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0080" id="link2H_4_0080"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Board of Trade. + </h2> + <p> + I went into the Chicago Board of Trade awhile ago to see about buying some + seed wheat for sowing on my farm next spring. I heard that I could get + wheat cheaper there than anywhere else, so I went over. The members of the + Board seemed to be all present. They were on the upper floor of the house, + about three hundred of them, I judge, engaged in conversation. All of them + were conversing when I entered, with the exception of a sad-looking man + who had just been squeezed into a corner and injured, I was told. I told + him that arnica was as good as anything I knew of for that, but he seemed + irritated, and I strode majestically away. Probably he thought I had no + business to speak to him without an introduction, but I never stand on + ceremony when I see anyone in pain. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: INDULGING IN CONVERSATION.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8221}.jpg" alt="{8221} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8221}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I got a ticket when I went in, and began to look around for my wheat. I + didn't see any at first. I then asked one of the conversationalists + how wheat was. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, wheat's pretty steady just now, 'specially October, + but yesterday we thought the bottom had dropped out. Perfect panic in No. + 2, red; No. 2, Chicago Spring, 73-7/8. Dull, my Christian friend, dull is + no name for it. More fellers got pinched yesterday than would patch + purgatory fifteen miles. What you doing, buying or selling?” + </p> + <p> + “Buying.” + </p> + <p> + “Better let me sell you some choice Chicago Spring way down. Get + some man you know on the Board to make the trade for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, if you've got something good and cheap, and that you + know will grow, I'd like to look at it,” I said. + </p> + <p> + He took me over by the door where there was a dishpan full of wheat, and + asked me how that struck me, I said it looked good and asked him how much + he could spare of it at .73. He said he had 50,000 bushels that he wasn't + using, and he thought he could get me another 50,000 of a friend, if I + wanted it. I said no, 100,000 bushels was more than I needed. I told him + that if he would let me have that dishpan full, one-half cash and the + balance in installments, I might trade with him, but I didn't want + him to sell me his last bushel of wheat and rob himself. + </p> + <p> + “Very likely you've got a family,” said I, “and + you mustn't forget that we've got a long, cold, hard winter + ahead of us. Hang on to your wheat. Don't let Tom, Dick and Harry + come along and chisel you out of your last kernel, just to be neighborly.” + </p> + <p> + I remained in the room an hour and a half, the cynosure of all eyes. There + is a great deal of sociability there. Three hundred men all talking + diagonally at each other at the same time, reminds me of a tete-a-tete I + once had with a warm personal friend, who was a boiler-maker. He invited + me to come around to the shop and visit him. He said we could crawl down + through the manhole into the boiler and have a nice visit while he worked. + </p> + <p> + I remember of following him down through the hole into the boiler; then + they began to head boiler rivets, and I knew nothing more till I returned + to consciousness the next day to find myself in my own + luxuriously-furnished apartments. + </p> + <p> + The family physician was holding my hand. My wife asked: “Is he + conscious yet, do you think, doctor?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” he replied, “your husband begins to show signs of + life. He may live for many years, but his intellect seems to have been + mislaid during his illness. Do you know whether the cat has carried + anything out of this room lately?” + </p> + <p> + Then my wife said: “Yes, the cat did get something out of this room + only the other day and ate it. Poor thing!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0081" id="link2H_4_0081"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Cow-Boy. + </h2> + <p> + So much amusing talk is being made recently anent the blood-bedraggled + cow-boy of the wild West, that I rise as one man to say a few things, not + in a dictatorial style, but regarding this so-called or so esteemed dry + land pirate who, mounted on a little cow-pony and under the black flag, + sails out across the green surge of the plains to scatter the rocky shores + of Time with the bones of his fellow-man. + </p> + <p> + A great many people wonder where the cow-boy, with his abnormal thirst for + blood, originated. Where did this young Jesse James, with his gory record + and his dauntless eye, come from? Was he born in a buffalo wallow at the + foot of some rock-ribbed mountain, or did he first breathe the thin air + along the brink of an alkali pond, where the horned toad and the centipede + sang him to sleep, and the tarantula tickled him under the chin with its + hairy legs? + </p> + <p> + Careful research and cold, hard statistics show that the cow-boy, as a + general thing, was born in an unostentatious manner on the farm. I hate to + sit down on a beautiful romance and squash the breath out of a romantic + dream; but the cow-boy who gets too much moist damnation in his system, + and rides on a gallop up and down Main street shooting out the lights of + the beautiful billiard palaces, would be just as unhappy if a mouse ran up + his pantaloon-leg as you would, gentle reader. He is generally a youth who + thinks he will not earn his twenty-five dollars per month if he does not + yell, and whoop, and shoot, and scare little girls into St. Vitus's + dance. I've known more cow-boys to injure themselves with their own + revolvers than to injure anyone else. This is evidently because they are + more familiar with the hoe than they are with the Smith & Wesson. + </p> + <p> + One night while I had rooms in the business part of a Territorial city in + the Rocky Mountain cattle country, I was awakened at about one o'clock + A. M. by the most blood-curdling cry of “Murder” I ever heard. + It was murder with a big “M.” Across the street, in the bright + light of a restaurant, a dozen cow-boys with broad sombreros and flashing + silver braid, huge leather chaperajas, + </p> + <p> + Mexican spurs and orange silk neckties, and with flashing revolvers, were + standing. It seemed that a big, red-faced Captain Kidd of the band, with + his skin full of valley tan, had marched into an ice-cream resort with a + self-cocker in his hand, and ordered the vanilla coolness for the gang. + There being a dozen young folks at the place, mostly male and female, from + a neighboring hop, indulging in cream, the proprietor, a meek Norwegian + with thin white hair, deemed it rude and outre to do so. He said something + to that effect, whereat the other eleven men of alcoholic courage let off + a yell that froze the cream into a solid glacier, and shook two kerosene + lamps out of their sockets in the chandeliers. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE YELLED MURDER.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9224}.jpg" alt="{9224}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9224}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Thereupon, the little Y.M.C.A. Norwegian said: + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemans, I kain't neffer like dot squealinks and dot kaind + of a tings, and you fellers mit dot ledder pantses on and dot funny glose + and such a tings like dot, better keep kaind of quiet, or I shall call up + the policemen mit my delephone.” + </p> + <p> + Then they laughed at him, and cried yet again with a loud voice. + </p> + <p> + This annoyed the ice-cream agriculturist, and he took the old axe-handle + that he used to jam the ice down around the freezer with, and peeled a + large area of scalp off the leader's dome of thought, and it hung + down over his eyes, so that he could not see to shoot with any degree of + accuracy. + </p> + <p> + After he had yelled “Murder!” three or four times, he fell + under an ice-cream table, and the mild-eyed Scandinavian broke a + silver-plated castor over the organ of self-esteem, and poured red pepper, + and salt, and vinegar, and Halford sauce and other relishes, on the place + where the scalp was loose. + </p> + <p> + This revived the brave but murderous cow-gentleman, and he begged that he + might be allowed to go away. + </p> + <p> + The gentle Y.M.C.A. superintendent of the ten-stamp ice-cream freezers + then took the revolvers away from the bold buccaneer, and kicked him out + through a show-case, and saluted him with a bouquet of July oysters that + suffered severely from malaria. + </p> + <p> + All cow-boys are not sanguinary; but out of twenty you will generally find + one who is brave when he has his revolvers with him; but when he forgot + and left his shooters at home on the piano, the most tropical violet-eyed + dude can climb him with the butt-end of a sunflower, and beat his brains + out and spatter them all over that school district. + </p> + <p> + In the wild, unfettered West, beware of the man who never carries arms, + never gets drunk and always minds his own business. He don't go + around shooting out the gas, or intimidating a kindergarten school; but + when a brave frontiersman, with a revolver in each boot and a bowie down + the back of his neck, insults a modest young lady, and needs to be thrown + through a plate-glass window and then walked over by the populace, call on + the silent man who dares to wear a clean shirt and human clothes. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0082" id="link2H_4_0082"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Stirring Incidents at a Fire. + </h2> + <p> + Last night I was awakened by the cry of fire. It was a loud, hoarse cry, + such as a large, adult man might emit from his window on the night air. + The town was not large, and the fire department, I had been told, was not + so effective as it should have been. + </p> + <p> + For that reason I arose and carefully dressed myself, in order to assist, + if possible. I carefully lowered myself from my room, by means of a + staircase which I found concealed in a dark and mysterious corner of the + passage. + </p> + <p> + On the streets all was confusion. The hoarse cry of fire had been taken up + by others, passed around from one to another, till it had swollen into a + dull roar. The cry of fire in a small town is always a grand sight. + </p> + <p> + All along the street in front of Mr. Pendergast's roller rink the + blanched faces of the people could be seen. Men were hurrying to and fro, + knocking the bystanders over in their frantic attempts to get somewhere + else. With great foresight, Mr. Pendergast, who had that day finished + painting his roller rink a dull-roan color, removed from the building the + large card which bore the legend: + </p> + <p> + FRESH PAINT! + </p> + <p> + so that those who were so disposed might feel perfectly free to lean up + against the rink and watch the progress of the flames. + </p> + <p> + Anon the bright glare of the devouring element might have been seen + bursting through the casement of Mr. Cicero Williams's residence, + facing on the alley west of Mr. Pendergast's rink. Across the street + the spectator whose early education had not been neglected could + distinctly read the sign of our esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Alonzo + Burlingame, which was lit up by the red glare of the flames so that the + letters stood out plainly as follows: + </p> + <p> + Alonzo Burlingame, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +Dealer in Soft and Hard Coal, Ice-Cream, Wood, Lime, Cement, Perfumery, + Nails, Putty, Spectacles, and Horse Radish. +Chocolate Caramels and Tar Roofing. +Gas Fitting and Undertaking in all Its Branches. +Hides, Tallow, and Maple Syrup. +Fine Gold Jewelry, Silverware, and Salt. +Glue, Codfish, and Gent's Neckwear. +Undertaker and Confectioner. +Diseases of Horses and Children a Specialty. +</pre> + <p> + Jno. White, Ptr. + </p> + <p> + The flames spread rapidly, until they threatened the Palace rink of our + esteemed fellow-townsman, Mr. Pendergast, whose genial and urbane manner + has endeared him to all. + </p> + <p> + With a degree of forethought worthy of a better cause, Mr. Leroy W. Butts + suggested the propriety of calling out the hook and ladder company, an + organization of which every one seemed to be justly proud. Some delay + ensued in trying to find the janitor of Pioneer Hook and Ladder Company + No. 1's building, but at last he was secured, and, after he had gone + home for the key, Mr. Butts ran swiftly down the street to awaken the + foreman, but, after he had dressed himself and inquired anxiously about + the fire, he said that he was not foreman of the company since the 2d of + April. + </p> + <p> + Meantime the firefiend continued to rise up ever and anon on his hind feet + and lick up salt-barrel after salt-barrel in close proximity to the Palace + rink, owned by our esteemed fellow-citizen, Mr. Pendergast. Twice Mr. + Pendergast was seen to shudder, after which he went home and filled out a + blank which he forwarded to the insurance company. + </p> + <p> + Just as the town seemed doomed, the hook and ladder company came rushing + down the street with their navy-blue hook and ladder truck. It is indeed a + beauty, being one of the Excelsior noiseless hook and ladder factory's + best instruments, with tall red pails and rich blue ladders. + </p> + <p> + Some delay ensued, as several of the officers claimed that under a new + bylaw passed in January they were permitted to ride on the truck to fires. + This having been objected to by a gentleman who had lived in Chicago + several years, a copy of the by-laws was sent for and the dispute + summarily settled. The company now donned its rubber overcoats with great + coolness and proceeded at once to deftly twist the tail of the firefiend. + </p> + <p> + It was a thrilling sight as James McDonald, a brother of Terrance + McDonald, Trombone, Ind., rapidly ascended one of the ladders in the full + glare of the devouring element and fell off again. + </p> + <p> + Then a wild cheer arose to a height of about nine feet, and all again + became confused. + </p> + <p> + It was now past 11 o'clock, and several of the members of the hook + and ladder company who had to get up early the next day in order to catch + a train excused themselves and went home to seek much-needed rest. + </p> + <p> + Suddenly it was discovered that the brick livery stable of Mr. Abraham + McMichaels, a nephew of our worthy assessor, was getting hot. Leaving the + Palace rink to its fate, the hook and ladder company directed its + attention to the brick barn, and, after numerous attempts, at last + succeeded in getting its large iron prong fastened on the second story + window-sill, which was pulled out. The hook was again inserted, but not so + effectively, bringing down at this time an armful of hay and part of an + old horse blanket. Another courageous jab was made with the iron hook, + which succeeded in pulling out about 5 cents worth of brick. This was + greeted by a wild burst of applause from the bystanders, during which the + hook and ladder company fell over each other and added to the horror of + the scene by a mad burst of pale-blue profanity. + </p> + <p> + It was not long before the stable was licked up by the firefiend, and the + hook and ladder company directed its attention toward the undertaking, + embalming, and ice-cream parlors of our highly esteemed fellow-townsman, + Mr. A. Burlingame. The company succeeded in pulling two stone window-sills + out of this building before it burned. Both times they were encored by the + large and aristocratic audience. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Burlingame at once recognized the efforts of the heroic firemen by + tapping a keg of beer, which he distributed among them at 25 cents per + glass. + </p> + <p> + This morning a space forty-seven feet wide, where but yesterday all was + joy and prosperity and beauty, is covered over with blackened ruins. Mr. + Pendergast is overcome by grief over the loss of his rink, but assures us + that if he is successful in getting the full amount of his insurance he + will take the money and build two rinks, either one of which will be far + more imposing than the one destroyed last evening. + </p> + <p> + A movement is on foot to give a literary and musical entertainment at + Burley's hall, to raise funds for the purchase of new uniforms for + the “fire laddies,” at which Mrs. Butts has consented to sing + “When the Robins Nest Again,” and Miss Mertie Stout will + recite “'Ostler Jo,” a selection which never fails to + offend the best people everywhere. Twenty-five cents for each offense. + </p> + <p> + Let there be a full house. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0083" id="link2H_4_0083"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Little Barefoot Boy. + </h2> + <p> + With the moist and misty spring, with the pink and white columbine of the + wildwood and the breath of the cellar and the incense of burning overshoes + in the back yard, comes the little barefoot boy with fawn colored hair and + a droop in his pantaloons. Poverty is not the grand difficulty with the + little barefoot boy of spring. It is the wild, ungovernable desire to + wiggle his toes in the ambient air, and to soothe his parboiled heels in + the yielding mud. + </p> + <p> + I see him now in my mind's eye, making his annual appearance like a + rheumatic housefly, stepping high like a blind horse. He has just left his + shoes in the woodshed and stepped out on the piazza to proclaim that + violet-eyed spring is here. All over the land the gladiolus bulb and the + ice man begin to swell. The south wind and the new-born calf at the barn + begin to sigh. The oak tree and the dude begin to put on their spring + apparel. All nature is gay. The thrush is warbling in the asparagus + orchard, and the prima donna does her throat up in a red flannel rag to + wait for another season. + </p> + <p> + All these things indicate spring, but they are not so certain and + unfailing as the little barefoot boy whose white feet are thrust into the + face of the approaching season. Five months from now those little dimpled + feet, now so bleached and tender, will look like a mudturtle's back + and the superior and leading toe will have a bandage around it, tied with + a piece of thread. + </p> + <p> + Who would believe that the budding hoodlum before us, with the yellow + chilblain on his heel and the early spring toad in his pocket, which he + will present to the timid teacher as a testimonial of his regard this + afternoon, may be the Moses who will lead the American people forty years + hence into the glorious sunlight of a promised land. + </p> + <p> + He may possibly do it, but he doesn't look like it now. + </p> + <p> + Yet John A. Logan and Samuel J. Tilden were once barefooted boys, with a + suspender apiece. It doesn't seem possible, does it? + </p> + <p> + How can we imagine at this time Julius Caesar and Hannibal Hamlin and + Lucretia Borgia at some time or other stubbed their bare toes against a + root and filled the horizon with pianissimo wails. The barefoot boy of + spring will also proceed to bathe in the river as soon as the ice and the + policeman are out. He will choose a point on the boulevard, where he can + get a good view of those who pass, and in company with eleven other little + barefoot boys, he will clothe himself in an Adam vest, a pair of bare-skin + pantaloons, a Greek slave overcoat and a yard of sunlight, and gaze + earnestly at those who go by on the other side. Up and down the bank, + pasting each other with mud, the little barefoot boys of spring chase each + other, with their vertebrae sticking into the warm and sleepy air, while + down in the marsh, where the cat-tails and the broad flags and the peach + can and the deceased horse grow, the bull-frog is twittering to his mate. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A TESTIMONIAL OF REGARD.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0230}.jpg" alt="{0230}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0230}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Later on, the hoarse voice of a rude parental snorter is heard + approaching, and twelve slim Cupids with sunburned backs are inserted into + twelve little cotton shirts and twelve despondent pairs of pantaloons hang + at half-mast to twelve home-made suspenders, and as the gloaming gathers + about the old home, twelve boys back up against the ice-house to cool off, + while the enraged parent hangs up the buggy whip in the old place. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0084" id="link2H_4_0084"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Favored a Higher Fine. + </h2> + <p> + Will Taylor, the son of the present American Consul at Marseilles, was a + good deal like other boys while at school in his old home, at Hudson, Wis. + One day he called his father into the library, and said: + </p> + <p> + “Pa, I don't like to tell you, but the teacher and I have had + trouble.” + </p> + <p> + “What's the matter now?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I cut one of the desks a little with my knife, and the + teacher says I've got to pay a dollar or take a lickin'.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, why don't you take the licking and say nothing more + about it? I can stand considerable physical pain, so long as it visits our + family in that form. Of course, it is not pleasant to be flogged, but you + have broken a rule of the school, and I guess you'll have to stand + it. I presume that the teacher will in wrath remember mercy, and avoid + disabling you so that you can't get your coat on any more.” + </p> + <p> + “But, pa, I feel mighty bad about it already, and if you'd pay + my fine I'd never do it again. I know a good deal more about it now, + and I will never do it again. A dollar ain't much to you, pa, but it's + a heap to a boy that hasn't got a cent. If I could make a dollar as + easy as you can, pa, I'd never let my little boy get flogged that + way just to save a dollar. If I had a little feller that got licked bekuz + I didn't put up for him, I'd hate the sight of money always. I'd + feel as if every dollar in my pocket had been taken out of my little kid's + back.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, now, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give + you a dollar to save you from punishment this time, but if anything of + this kind ever occurs again I'll hold you while the teacher licks + you, and then I'll get the teacher to hold you while I lick you. + That's the way I feel about that. If you want to go around whittling + up our educational institutions you can do so; but you will have to + purchase them afterward yourself. I don't propose to buy any more + damaged school furniture. You probably grasp my meaning, do you not? I + send you to school to acquire an education, not to acquire liabilities, so + that you can come around and make an assessment on me. I feel a great + interest in you, Willie, but I do not feel as though it should be an + assessable interest. I want to go on, of course, and improve the property, + but when I pay my dues on it I want to know that it goes toward + development work. I don't want my assessments to go toward the + purchase of a school-desk with American hieroglyphics carved on it. + </p> + <p> + “I hope that you will bear this in your mind, my son, and beware. It + will be greatly to your interest to beware. If I were in your place I + would put in a large portion of my time in the beware business.” + </p> + <p> + The boy took the dollar and went thoughtfully away to school, and no more + was ever said about the matter until Mr. Taylor learned casually several + months later that the Spartan youth had received the walloping and filed + away the dollar for future reference. The boy was afterward heard to say + that he favored a much heavier fine in cases of that kind. One whipping + was sufficient, he said, but he favored a fine of $5. It ought to be + severe enough to make it an object. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0085" id="link2H_4_0085"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “I Spy.” + </h2> + <p> + Dear reader, do you remember the boy of your school who did the heavy + falling through the ice and was always about to break his neck, but + managed to live through it all? Do you call to mind the youth who never + allowed anybody else to fall out of a tree and break his collar bone when + he could attend to it himself? Every school has to secure the services of + such a boy before it can succeed, and so our school had one. When I + entered the school I saw at a glance that the board had neglected to + provide itself with a boy whose duty it was to nearly kill himself every + few days in order to keep up the interest so I applied for the position. I + secured it without any trouble whatever. The board understood at once from + my bearing that I would succeed. And I did not betray the trust they had + reposed in me. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: BRINGING IN THE REMAINS.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8233}.jpg" alt="{8233} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8233}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Before the first term was over I had tried to climb two trees at once and + been carried home on a stretcher; been pulled out of the river with my + lungs full of water, and artificial respiration resorted to; been jerked + around over the north half of the county by a fractious horse whose halter + I had tied to my leg, and which leg is now three inches longer than the + other; together with various other little early eccentricities which I + cannot at this moment call to mind. My parents at last got so that along + about 2 o'clock P.M. they would look anxiously out of the window and + say, “Isn't it about time for the boys to get here with + William's remains? They generally get here before 2 o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + One day five or six of us were playing “I spy” around our + barn. Every body knows how to play “I spy.” One shuts his eyes + and counts 100, for instance, while the others hide. Then he must find the + rest and say “I spy” so-and-so and touch the “goal” + before they do. If anybody beats him to the goal the victim has to “blind” + over again. + </p> + <p> + Well, I knew the ground pretty well, and could drop twenty feet out of the + barn window and strike on a pile of straw so as to land near the goal, + touch it, and let the crowd in free without getting found out. I did this + several times and got the blinder, James Bang, pretty mad. After a boy has + counted 500 or 600, and worked hard to gather in the crowd, only to get + jeered and laughed at by the boys, he loses his temper. It was so with + James Cicero Bang. I knew that he almost hated me, and yet I went on. + Finally, in the fifth ballot, I saw a good chance to slide down and let + the crowd in again as I had done on former occasions. I slipped out of the + window and down the side of the barn about two feet, when I was detained + unavoidably. There was a “batten” on the barn that was loose + at the upper end. I think I was wearing my father's vest on that + day, as he was away from home, and I frequently wore his clothes when he + was absent. Anyhow the vest was too large, and when I slid down that loose + board ran up between the vest and my person in such a way as to suspend me + about eighteen feet from the ground, in a prominent but very uncomfortable + position. + </p> + <p> + I remember it quite distinctly. James C. Bang came around where he could + see me. He said: “I spy Billy Nye and touch the goal before him.” + No one came to remove the barn. No one came to sympathize with me in my + great sorrow and isolation. Every little while James C. Bang would come + around the corner and say: “Oh, I see ye. You needn't think + you're out of sight up there. I can see you real plain. You better + come down and blind. I can see ye up there!” + </p> + <p> + I tried to unbutton my vest and get down there and lick James, but it was + of no use. It was a very trying time. I can remember how I tried to kick + myself loose, but failed. Sometimes I would kick the barn and sometimes I + would kick a large hole in the horizon. Finally I was rescued by a + neighbor who said he didn't want to see a good barn kicked into + chaos just to save a long-legged boy that wasn't worth over six + bits. + </p> + <p> + It affords me great pleasure to add that while I am looked up to and madly + loved by every one that does not know me, Jas. C. Bang is brevet president + of a fractured bank, taking a lonely bridal tour by himself in Europe and + waiting for the depositors to die of old age. + </p> + <p> + The mills of the gods grind slowly, but they most generally get there with + both feet. (Adapted from the French by permission.) + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0086" id="link2H_4_0086"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Mark Anthony. + </h2> + <p> + Marcus Antonius, commonly called Mark Antony, was a celebrated Roman + general and successful politician, who was born in 83 B.C. His + grandfather, on his mother's side, was L. Julius Caesar, and it is + thought that to Mark's sagacity in his selection of a mother, much + of his subsequent success was due. + </p> + <p> + Young Antony was rather gay and festive during his early years, and led a + life that in any city but Rome would have occasioned talk. He got into a + great many youthful scrapes, and nothing seemed to please him better than + to repeatedly bring his father's gray hairs down in sorrow to the + grave. Debauchery was a matter to which he gave much thought, and many a + time he was found consuming the midnight oil while pursuing his studies in + this line. + </p> + <p> + At that time Rome was well provided for in the debauchery department, and + Mr. Antony became a thorough student of the entire curriculum. + </p> + <p> + About 57 B.C. he obtained command of the cavalry of Gambinino in Syria and + Egypt. He also acted as legate for Caesar in Gaul about 52 B.C., as nearly + as I can recall the year. I do not know exactly what a legate is, but it + had something to do with the Roman ballet, I understand, and commanded a + good salary. + </p> + <p> + He was also elected, in 50, B.C., as Argus and Tribune—acting as + Tribune at night and Argus during the day time, I presume, or he may have + been elected Tribune and ex-officio Argus. He was more successful as + Tribune than he was in the Argus business. + </p> + <p> + Early in 49, B.C., he fled to Caesar's camp, and the following year + was appointed commander-in-chief. He commanded the left wing of the army + at the battle of Pharsalia, and years afterward used to be passionately + fond of describing it and explaining how he saved the day, and how + everybody else was surprised but him, and how he was awakened by hearing + one of the enemy's troops, across the river, stealthily pulling on + his pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + Antony married Fulvia, the widow of a successful demagogue named P. + Clodius. This marriage could hardly be regarded as a success. It would + have been better for the widow if she had remained Mrs. P. Clodius, for + Mark Antony was one of those old-fashioned Romans who favored the utmost + latitude among men, but heartily enjoyed seeing an unfaithful woman burned + at the stake. In those days the Roman girl had nothing to do but live a + pure and blameless life, so that she could marry a shattered Roman rake + who had succeeded in shunning a blameless life himself, and at last, when + he was sick of all kinds of depravity and needed a good, careful wife to + take care of him, would come with his dappled, sin-sick soul and shattered + constitution, and his vast acquisitions of debts, and ask to be loved by a + noble young woman. Nothing pleased a <i>blase</i> Roman so well as to have + a young and beautiful girl, with eyes like liquid night, to take the job + of reforming him. I frequently get up in the night to congratulate myself + that I was not born, 2,000 years ago, a Roman girl. + </p> + <p> + The historian continues to say, that though Mr. Antony continued to live a + life of licentious lawlessness, that occasioned talk even in Rome, he was + singularly successful in politics. + </p> + <p> + He was very successful at funerals, also, and his off-hand obituary works + were sought for far and wide. His impromptu remarks at the grave of + Caesar, as afterward reported by Mr. Shakespeare, from memory, attracted + general notice and made the funeral a highly enjoyable affair. After this + no assassination could be regarded as a success, unless Mark Antony could + be secured to come and deliver his justly celebrated eulogy. + </p> + <p> + About 43, B.C., Antony, Octavius and Lepidus formed a co-partnership under + the firm name and style of Antony, Octavius & Co., for the purpose of + doing a general, all-round triumvirate business and dealing in Roman + republican pelts. The firm succeeded in making republicanism extremely + odious, and for years a republican hardly dared to go out after dark to + feed the horse, lest he be jumped on by a myrmidon and assassinated. It + was about this time that Cicero had a misunderstanding with Mark's + myrmidons and went home packed in ice. + </p> + <p> + Mark Antony, when the firm of Antony, Octavius & Co. settled up its + affairs, received as his share the Asiatic provinces and Egypt. It was at + this time that he met Cleopatra at an Egyptian sociable and fell in love + with her. Falling in love with fair women and speaking pieces over + new-made graves seemed to be Mark's normal condition. He got into a + quarrel with Octavius and settled it by marrying Octavia, Octavius' + sister, but this was not a love match, for he at once returned to + Cleopatra, the author of Cleopatra's needle and other works. + </p> + <p> + This love for Cleopatra was no doubt the cause of his final overthrow, for + he frequently went over to see her when he should have been at home + killing invaders. He ceased to care about slashing around in carnage, and + preferred to turn Cleopatra's music for her while she knocked out + the teeth of her old upright piano and sang to him in a low, passionate, + <i>vox humana</i> tone. + </p> + <p> + So, at last, the great cemetery declaimer and long distance assassin, Mark + Antony, was driven out of his vast dominions after a big naval defeat at + Actium, in September, 31 B.C., retreated to Alexandria, called for more + reinforcements and didn't get them. Deserted by his fleet, and + reduced to a hand-me-down suit of clothes and a two-year-old plug hat, he + wrote a poetic wail addressed to Cleopatra and sent it to the Alexandria + papers; then, closing the door and hanging up his pantaloons on a nail so + as to reduce the sag in the knees, he blew out the gas and climbed over + the high board fence which stands forever between the sombre present and + the dark blue, mysterious ultimatum. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0087" id="link2H_4_0087"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Man Overbored. + </h2> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0238}.jpg" alt="{0238}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0238}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + “Speaking about prohibition,” said Misery Brown one day, while + we sat lying on the damp of the <i>Blue Tail Fly</i>, “I am prone to + allow that the more you prohibit, the more you—all at once—discover + that you have more or less failed to prohibit. + </p> + <p> + “Now, you can win a man over to your way of thinking, sometimes, but + you mustn't do it with the butt-end of a telegraph-pole. You might + convert him that way, perhaps, but the mental shock and phrenological + concussion of the argument might be disastrous to the convert himself. + </p> + <p> + “A man once said to me that rum was the devil's drink, that + Satan's home was filled with the odor of hot rum, that perdition was + soaked with spiced rum and rum punch. 'You wot not,' said he, + 'the ruin rum has rot. Why, Misery Brown,' said he, 'rum + is my <i>bete noir</i>.' I said I didn't care what he used it + for, he'd always find it very warming to the system. I told him he + could use it for a hot <i>bete noir</i>, or a <i>blanc mange</i>, or any + of those fancy drinks; I didn't care. + </p> + <p> + “But the worst time I ever had grappling with the great enemy, I + reckon, was in the later years of the war, when I pretty near squashed the + rebellion. Grim-visaged war had worn me down pretty well. I played the big + tuba in the regimental band, and I began to sigh for peace. + </p> + <p> + “We had been on the march all summer, it seemed to me. We'd + travel through dust ankle-deep all day that was just like ashes, and halt + in the red-hot sun five minutes to make coffee. We'd make our coffee + in five minutes, and sometimes we'd make it in the middle of the + road; but that's neither here nor there. + </p> + <p> + “We finally found out that we would make a stand in a certain town, + and that the Q.M. had two barrels of old and reliable whisky in store. We + also found out that we couldn't get any for medical purposes nor + anything else All we could do was to suffer on and wait till the war + closed. I didn't feel like postponing the thing myself, so I began + to investigate. The great foe of humanity was stored in a tobacco-house, + and the Q.M. slept three nights between the barrels. The chances for a + debauch looked peaked and slim in the extreme. However, there was a + basement below, and I got in there one night with a half-inch auger, and + two wash-tubs. Later on there was a sound of revelry by night. There was + considerable 'on with the dance, let joy be unconfined.' + </p> + <p> + “The next day there was a spongy appearance to the top of the head, + which seemed to be confined to our regiment, as a result of the sudden + giving way, as it were, of prohibitory restrictions. It was a very + disagreeable day, I remember. All nature seemed clothed in gloom, and R.E. + Morse, P.D.Q., seemed to be in charge of the proceedings. Redeyed Regret + was everywhere. + </p> + <p> + “We then proceeded to yearn for the other barrel of woe, that we + might pile up some more regret, and have enough misery to last us through + the balance of the campaign. We acted on this suggestion, and, with a firm + resolve and the same half-inch auger, we stole once more into the basement + of the tobacco-house. + </p> + <p> + “I bored nineteen consecutive holes in the atmosphere, and then an + intimate friend of mine bored twenty-seven distinct holes in the floor, + only to bore through the bosom of the night. Eleven of us spent the most + of the night boring into the floor, and at three o'clock A.M. it + looked like a hammock, it was so full of holes. The quartermaster slept on + through it all. He slept in a very audible tone of voice, and every now + and then we could hear him slumbering on. + </p> + <p> + “At last we decided that he was sleeping middling close to that + barrel, so we began to bore closer to the snore. It was my turn to bore, I + remember, and I took the auger with a heavy heart. I bored through the + floor, and for the first time bored into something besides oxygen. It was + the quartermaster. A wild yell echoed through the southern confederacy, + and I pulled out my auger. It had on the point a strawberry mark, and a + fragment of one of those old-fashioned woven wire gray shirts, such as + quartermasters used to wear. + </p> + <p> + “I remember that we then left the tobacco-house. In the hurry we + forgot two wash-tubs, a half-inch auger, and 980,361 new half-inch auger + holes that had never been used.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0088" id="link2H_4_0088"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “Done It A-Purpose.” + </h2> + <p> + At Greeley a young man with a faded cardigan jacket and a look of woe got + on the train, and as the car was a little crowded he sat in the seat with + me. He had that troubled and anxious expression that a rural young man + wears when he first rides on the train. When the engine whistled he would + almost jump out of that cardigan jacket, and then he would look kind of + foolish, like a man who allows his impulses to get the best of him. Most + everyone noticed the young man and his cardigan jacket, for the latter had + arrived at the stage of droopiness and jaded-across-the-shoulders look + that the cheap knit jacket of commerce acquires after awhile, and it had + shrunken behind and stretched out in front so that the horizon, as you + stood behind the young man, seemed to be bound by the tail of this + garment, which started out at the pocket with good intentions and suddenly + decided to rise above the young man's shoulder blades. + </p> + <p> + He seemed so diffident and so frightened among strangers, that I began to + talk with him. + </p> + <p> + “Do you live at Greeley?” I inquired. + </p> + <p> + “No, sir,” he said, in an embarrassed way, as most anyone + might in the presence of greatness. “I live on a ranch up the + Pandre. I was just at Greeley to see the circus.” + </p> + <p> + I thought I would play the tenderfoot and inquiring pilgrim from the + cultured East, so I said: “You do not see the circus often in the + West, I presume, the distance is so great between towns and the cost of + transportation is so great?” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. This is the first circus I ever was to. I have never saw a + circus before.” + </p> + <p> + “How did you like it?” + </p> + <p> + “O, tip-top. It was a good thing. I'd like to see it every day + if I could, I laughed and drank lemonade till I've got my cloze all + pinned up with pins, and I'd as soon tell you, if you wont give it + away, that my pants is tied on me with barbed fence wire.” + </p> + <p> + “Probably that's what gives you that anxious and apprehensive + look?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, sir. If I look kind of doubtless about something, its because + I'm afraid my pantaloons will fall off on the floor and I will have + to borrow a roller towel to wear home.” + </p> + <p> + “How did you like the animals?” + </p> + <p> + “I liked that part of the Great Moral Aggregation the best of all. I + have not saw such a sight before. I could stand there and watch that there + old scaly elephant stuff hay into his bosom with his long rubber nose for + hours. I'd read a good deal first and last about the elephant, the + king of beasts, but I had never yet saw one. Yesterday father told me + there hadn't been much joy into my young life, and so he gave me a + dollar and told me to go over to the circus and have a grand time. I tell + you, I just turned myself loose and gave myself up to pleasure.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: I WAS A POOR CONVERSATIONALIST.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8241}.jpg" alt="{8241} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8241}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “What other animals seemed to please you?” I asked, seeing + that he was getting a little freer to talk. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, I saw the blue-nosed baboon from Farther India, and the + red-eyed sandhill crane from Maddygasker, I think it was, and the sacred + Jack-rabbit from Scandihoovia, and the lop-eared layme from South America. + Then there was the female acrobat with her hair tied up with red ribbon. + It's funny about them acrobat wimmen. They get big pay, but they + never buy cloze with their money. Now, the idea of a woman that gets $2 or + $3 a day, for all I know, coming out there before 2,000 total strangers, + wearing a pair of Indian war clubs and a red ribbon in her hair. I tell + you, pardner, them acrobat prima donnars are mighty stingy with their + money, or else they're mighty economical with their cloze.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you go into the side show?” + </p> + <p> + “No, sir. I studied the oil paintings on the outside, but I didn't + go in, I met a handsome looking man there near the side show, though, that + seemed to take an interest in me. There was a lottery along with the show + and he wanted me to go and throw for him.” + </p> + <p> + “Capper, probably?” + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps so. Anyhow, he gave me a dollar and told me to go and throw + for him.” + </p> + <p> + “Why didn't he throw for himself?” + </p> + <p> + “O, he said the lottery man knew him and wouldn't let him + throw.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course. Same old story. He saw you were a greeney and got you to + throw for him. He stood in with the game so that you drew a big prize for + the capper, created a big excitement, and you and the crowd sailed in and + lost all the money you had. I'll bet he was a man with a velvet + coat, and a moustache dyed a dead black and waxed as sharp as a cambric + needle.” + </p> + <p> + “Yes; that's his description to a dot. I wonder if he really + did do that a-purpose.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, tell us about it. It does me good to hear a blamed fool tell + how he lost his money. Don't you see that your awkward ways and + general greenness struck the capper the first thing, and you not only + threw away your own money, but two or three hundred other wappy-jawed + pelicans saw you draw a big prize and thought it was yours, then they + deposited what little they had and everything was lovely.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll tell you how it was, if it'll do any good + and save other young men in the future. You see this capper, as you call + him, gave me a $1 bill to throw for him, and I put it into my vest pocket + so, along with the dollar bill father gave me. I always carry my money in + my right hand vest pocket. Well, I sailed up to the game, big as old Jumbo + himself, and put a dollar into the game. As you say, I drawed a big prize, + $20 and a silver cup. The man offered me $5 for the cup and I took it.” + </p> + <p> + “Then it flashed over my mind that I might have got my dollar and + the other feller's mixed, so I says to the proprietor, 'I will + now invest a dollar for a gent who asked me to draw for him.' + </p> + <p> + “Thereupon I took out the other dollar, and I'll be eternally + chastised if I didn't draw a brass locket worth about two bits a + bushel.” + </p> + <p> + I didn't say anything for a long time. Then I asked him how the + capper acted when he got his brass locket. + </p> + <p> + “Well, he seemed pained and grieved about something, and he asked me + if I hadn't time to go away into a quiet place where we could talk + it over by ourselves; but he had a kind of a cruel, insincere look in his + eye, and I said no, I believed I didn't care to, and that I was a + poor conversationalist, anyhow; and so I came away, and left him looking + at his brass locket and kicking holes in the ground and using profane + language. + </p> + <p> + “Afterward I saw him talking to the proprietor of the lottery, and I + feel, somehow, that they had lost confidence in me. I heard them speak of + me in a jeering tone of voice, and one said as I passed by: 'There + goes the meek-eyed rural convict now,' and he used a horrid oath at + the same time. + </p> + <p> + “If it hadn't been for that one little quincidence, there + would have been nothing to mar the enjoyment of the occasion.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0089" id="link2H_4_0089"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Picnic Incidents. + </h2> + <p> + Camping out in summer for several weeks is a good thing generally. Freedom + from social restraint and suspenders is a great luxury for a time, and + nothing purifies the blood quicker, or makes a side of bacon taste more + like snipe on toast, than the crisp ozone that floats through the hills + and forests where man can monkey o'er the green grass without + violating a city ordinance. + </p> + <p> + The picnic is an aggravation. It has just enough of civilization to be a + nuisance, and not enough barbarism to make life seem a luxury. If our aim + be to lean up against a tree all day in a short seersucker coat and ditto + pantaloons that segregated while we were festooning the hammock, the + picnic is the thing. If we desire to go home at night with a jelly + symphony on each knee and a thousand-legged worm in each ear, we may look + upon the picnic as a success. + </p> + <p> + But to those who wish to forget the past and live only in the booming + present, to get careless of gain and breathe brand-new air that has never + been used, to appease an irritated liver, or straighten out a torpid lung, + let me say, pick out a high, dry clime, where there are trout enough to + give you an excuse for going there, take what is absolutely necessary and + no more, and then stay there long enough to have some fun. + </p> + <p> + If we picnic, we wear ourselves out trying to have a good time, so that we + can tell about it when we get back, but we do not actually get acquainted + with each other before we have to quit and return. + </p> + <p> + To camp, is to change the whole programme of life, and to stop long enough + in the never-ending conflict for dollars and distinction, to get a full + breath and look over the field. Still, it is not always smooth sailing. To + camp, is sometimes to show the material of which we are made. The dude at + home is the dude in camp, and wherever he goes he demonstrates that he was + made for naught. I do not know what a camping party would do with a dude + unless they used him to bait a bear trap with, and even then it would be + taking a mean advantage of the bear. The bear certainly has some rights + which we are bound in all decency to respect. + </p> + <p> + James Milton Sherrod said he had a peculiar experience once while he was + in camp on the Poudre in Colorado. + </p> + <p> + “We went over from Larmy,” said he, “in July, eight + years ago—four of us. There was me and Charcoal Brown, and old Joe + and young Joe Connoy. We had just got comfortably down on the Lower Fork, + out of the reach of everybody and sixty miles from a doctor, when Charcoal + Brown got sick. Wa'al we had a big time of it. You can imagine + yourself somethin' about it. Long in the night Brown began to groan + and whoop and holler, and I made a diagnosis of him. He didn't have + much sand anyhow. He was tryin' to git a pension from the government + on the grounds of desertion and failure to provide, and some such a blame + thing or another, so I didn't feel much sympathy fur him. But when I + lit the gas and examined him, I found that he had a large fever on hand, + and there we was without a doggon thing in the house but a jug of emigrant + whiskey and a paper of condition powders fur the mule. I was a good deal + rattled at first to know what the dickens to do fur him. The whiskey + wouldn't do him any good, and, besides, if he was goin' to + have a long spell of sickness we needed it for the watchers. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MAKING USE OF A DUDE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8245}.jpg" alt="{8245} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8245}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “Wa'al, it was rough. I'd think of a thousand things + that was good fur fevers, and then I'd remember that we hadn't + got 'em. Finally old Joe says to me, 'James, why don't + ye soak his feet?' says he. 'Soak nuthin',' says + I; 'what would ye soak 'em in?' We had a long-handle + frying-pan, and we could heat water in it, of course, but it was too + shaller to do any good, anyhow; so we abandoned that synopsis right off. + First I thought I'd try the condition powders in him, but I hated to + go into a case and prescribe so recklessly. Finally I thought of a case of + rheumatiz that I had up in Bitter Creek years ago, and how the boys filled + their socks full of hot ashes and put 'em all over me till it + started the persbyterian all over me and I got over it. So we begun to + skirmish around the tent for socks, and I hope I may be tee-totally skun + if there was a blame sock in the whole syndicate. Ez fur me, I never wore + 'em, but I did think young Joe would be fixed. He wasn't + though. Said he didn't want to be considered proud and high strung, + so he left his socks at home. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: CHARCOAL BROWN'S REPROACHES.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0246}.jpg" alt="{0246}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0246}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + “Then we begun to look around and finally decided that Brown would + die pretty soon if we didn't break up the fever, so we concluded to + take all the ashes under the camp-fire, fill up his cloze, which was + loose, tie his sleeves at the wrists, and his pants at the ankles, give + him a dash of condition powders and a little whiskey to take the taste out + of his mouth, and then see what ejosted nature would do. + </p> + <p> + “So we stood Brown up agin a tree and poured hot ashes down his back + till he begun to fit his cloze pretty quick, and then we laid him down in + the tent and covered him up with everything we had in our humble cot. + Everything worked well till he begun to perspirate, and then there was + music, and don't you forget it. That kind of soaked the ashes, don't + you see, and made a lye that would take the peelin' off a telegraph + pole. + </p> + <p> + “Charcoal Brown jest simply riz up and uttered a shrill whoop that + jarred the geology of Colorado, and made my blood run cold. The goose + flesh riz on old Joe Connoy till you could hang your hat on him anywhere. + It was awful. + </p> + <p> + “Brown stood up on his feet, and threw things, and cussed us till we + felt ashamed of ourselves. I've seen sickness a good deal in my + time, but—I give it to you straight—I never seen an invalid + stand up in the loneliness of the night, far from home and friends, with + the concentrated lye oozin' out of the cracks of his boots, and + reproach people the way Charcoal Brown did us. + </p> + <p> + “He got over it, of course, before Christmas, but he was a different + man after that. I've been out campin' with him a good many + times sence, but he never complained of feelin' indisposed. He + seemed to be timid about tellin' us even if he was under the + weather, and old Joe Connoy said mebbe Brown was afraid we would prescribe + fur him or sumthin'.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0090" id="link2H_4_0090"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Nero. + </h2> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9248}.jpg" alt="{9248}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9248}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Nero, who was a Roman Emperor from 54 to 68 A.D., was said to have been + one of the most disagreeable monarchs to meet that Rome ever had. He was a + nephew of Culigula, the Emperor, on his mother's side, and a son of + Dominitius Ahenobarbust, of St. Lawrence county. The above was really Nero's + name, but in the year 50, A.D., his mother married Claudius and her son + adopted the name of Nero Claudius Caesar Drusus Germanicus. This name he + was in the habit of wearing during the cold weather, buttoned up in front. + During the hot weather, Nero was all the name he wore. In 53, Nero married + Octavia, daughter of Claudius, and went right to housekeeping. Nero and + Octavia did not get along first-rate. Nero soon wearied of his young wife + and finally transferred her to the New Jerusalem. + </p> + <p> + In 54, Nero's mother, by concealing the rightful heir to the throne + for several weeks and doctoring the returns, succeeded in getting the + steady job of Emperor for Nero at a good salary. + </p> + <p> + His reign was quite stormy and several long, bloody wars were carried on + during that period. He was a good vicarious fighter and could successfully + hold a man's coat all day, while the man went to the front to get + killed. He loved to go out riding over the battle fields, as soon as it + was safe, in his gorgeously bedizened band chariot and he didn't + care if the wheels rolled in gore up to the hub, providing it was some + other man's gore. It gave him great pleasure to drive about over the + field of carnage and gloat over the dead. Nero was not a great success as + an Emperor, but as a gloater he has no rival in history. + </p> + <p> + Nero's reign was characterized, also, by the great conflagration and + Roman fireworks of July, 64, by which two-thirds of the city of Rome was + destroyed. The emperor was charged with starting this fire in order to get + the insurance on a stock of dry goods on Main street. + </p> + <p> + Instead of taking off his crown, hanging it up in the hall and helping to + put out the fire, as other Emperors have done time and again, Nero took + his violin up stairs and played, “I'll Meet You When the Sun + Goes Down.” This occasioned a great deal of adverse criticism on the + part of those who opposed the administration. Several persons openly + criticised Nero's policy and then died. + </p> + <p> + A man in those days, would put on his overcoat in the morning and tell his + wife not to keep dinner waiting. “I am going down town to criticise + the Emperor a few moments,” he would say. “If I do not get + home in time for dinner, meet me on the 'evergreen shore.'” + </p> + <p> + Nero, after the death of Octavia, married Poppaea Sabina. She died + afterward at her husband's earnest solicitation. Nero did not care + so much about being a bridegroom, but the excitement of being a widower + always gratified and pleased him. + </p> + <p> + He was a very zealous monarch and kept Rome pretty well stirred up during + his reign. If a man failed to show up anywhere on time, his friends would + look sadly at each other and say, “Alas, he has criticised Nero.” + </p> + <p> + A man could wrestle with the yellow fever, or the small-pox, or the + Asiatic cholera and stand a chance for recovery, but when he spoke + sarcastically of Nero, it was good-bye John. + </p> + <p> + When Nero decided that a man was an offensive partisan, that man would + generally put up the following notice on his office door: + </p> + <p> + “Gone to see the Emperor in relation to charge of offensive + partisanship. Meet me at the cemetery at 2 o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + Finally, Nero overdid this thing and ran it into the ground. He did not + want to be disliked and so, those who disliked him were killed. This made + people timid and muzzled the press a good deal. + </p> + <p> + The Roman papers in those days were all on one side. They did not dare to + be fearless and outspoken, for fear that Nero would take out his ad. So + they would confine themselves to the statement that: “The genial and + urbane Afranius Burrhus had painted his new and <i>recherche</i> picket + fence last week,” or “Our enterprising fellow townsman, Caesar + Kersikes, will remove the tail of his favorite bulldog next week, if the + weather should be auspicious,” or “Miss Agrippina Bangoline, + eldest daughter of Romulus Bangoline, the great Roman rinkist, will teach + the school at Eupatorium, Trifoliatum Holler, this summer. She is a highly + accomplished young lady, and a good speller.” + </p> + <p> + Nero got more and more fatal as he grew older, and finally the Romans + began to wonder whether he would not wipe out the Empire before he died. + His back yard was full all the time of people who had dropped in to be + killed, so that they could have it off their minds. + </p> + <p> + Finally, Nero himself yielded to the great strain that had been placed + upon him and, in the midst of an insurrection in Gaul, Spain and Rome + itself, he fled and killed himself. + </p> + <p> + The Romans were very grateful for Nero's great crowning act in the + killing line, but they were dissatisfied because he delayed it so long, + and therefore they refused to erect a tall monument over his remains. + While they admired the royal suicide and regarded it as a success, they + censured Nero's negligence and poor judgment in suiciding at the + wrong end of his reign. + </p> + <p> + I have often wondered what Nero would have done if he had been Emperor of + the United States for a few weeks and felt as sensitive to newspaper + criticism as he seems to have been. Wouldn't it be a picnic to see + Nero cross the Jersey ferry to kill off a few journalists who had + adversely criticised his course? The great violin virtuoso and light + weight Roman tyrant would probably go home by return mail, wrapped in + tinfoil, accompanied by a note of regret from each journalist in New York, + closing with the remark, that “in the midst of life we are in death, + therefore now is the time to subscribe.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0091" id="link2H_4_0091"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Squaw Jim. + </h2> + <p> + “Jim, you long-haired, backslidden Caucasian nomad, why don't + you say something? Brace up and tell us your experience. Were you + kidnapped when you were a kid and run off into the wild wickyup of the + forest, or how was it that you came to leave the Yankee reservation and + eat the raw dog of the Sioux?” + </p> + <p> + We were all sitting around the roaring fat-pine fire at the foot of the + canon, and above us the full moon was filling the bottom of the black + notch in the mountains, where God began to engrave the gulch that grew + wider and deeper till it reached the valley where we were. + </p> + <p> + Squaw Jim was tall, silent and grave. He was as dignified as the king of + clubs, and as reticent as the private cemetery of a deaf and dumb asylum. + He didn't move when Dutch Joe spoke to him, but he noticed the + remark, and after awhile got up in the firelight, and later on the silent + savage made the longest speech of his life. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “BOYS, YOU CALL ME SQUAW JIM."} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9251}.jpg" alt="{9251}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9251}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “Boys, you call me Squaw Jim, and you call my girl a half breed. I + have no other name than Squaw Jim with the pale faced dude and the + dyspeptic sky pilot who tells me of his God. You call me Squaw Jim because + I've married a squaw and insist on living with her. If I had married + Mist-of-the-Waterfall, and had lived in my tepee with her summers, and + wintered at St. Louis with a wife who belonged to a tall peaked church, + and who wore her war paint, and her false scalp-lock, and her false heart + into God's wigwam, I'd be all right, probably. They would have + laughed about it a little among the boys, but it would have been “wayno” + in the big stone lodges at the white man's city. + </p> + <p> + “I loved a pale faced girl in Connecticut forty years ago. She said + she did me, but she met with a change of heart and married a bare-back + rider in a circus. Then she ran away with the sword swallower of the side + show, and finally broke her neck trying to walk the tight rope. The jury + said if the rope had been as tight as she was it might have saved her + life. + </p> + <p> + “Since then I've been where the sun and the air and the soil + were free. It kind of soothed me to wear moccasins and throw my biled + shirt into the Missouri. It took the fever of jealousy and disappointment + out of my soul to sleep in the great bosom of the unhoused night. Soon I + learned how to parley-vous in the Indian language, and to wear the clothes + of the red man. I married the squaw girl who saved me from the mountain + fever and my foes. She did not yearn for the equestrian of the white man's + circus. She didn't know how to raise XxYxZ to the nth power, but she + was a wife worthy of the President of the United States. She was way off + the trail in matters of etiquette, but she didn't know what it was + to envy and hate the pale faced squaw with the sealskin sacque and the + torpid liver, and the high-priced throne of grace. She never sighed to go + where they are filling up Connecticut's celestial exhibit with girls + who get mysteriously murdered and the young men who did it go out + lecturing. You see I keep posted. + </p> + <p> + “Boys, you kind of pity me, I reckon, and say Squaw Jim might have + been in Congress if he'd stayed with his people and wore night + shirts and pared his claws, but you needn't. + </p> + <p> + “My wife can't knock the tar out of a symphony on the piano, + but she can mop the dew off the grass with a burglar, and knock out a dude's + eyes at sixty yards rise. + </p> + <p> + “My wife is a little foggy on the winter style of salvation, and + probably you'd stall her on how to drape a silk velvet overskirt so + it wouldn't hang one-sided, but she has a crude idea of an every + day, all wool General Superintendent of the Universe and Father of + all-Humanity, whether they live under a horse blanket tepee or a Gothic + mortgage. She might look out of place before the cross, with her + chilblains and her childlike confidence, among the Tom cat sealskin + sacques of your camel's hair Christianity, but if the world was + supplied with Christians like my wife, purgatory would make an assignment, + and the Salvation Army would go home and hoe corn. Sabe?” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0092" id="link2H_4_0092"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Squaw Jim's Religion. + </h2> + <p> + Referring to religious matters, the other day, Squaw Jim said: “I + was up at the Post yesterday to kind of rub up against royalty, and + refresh my memory with a few papers. I ain't a regular subscriber to + any paper, for I can't always get my mail on time. We're + liable to be here, there and everywhere, mebbe at some celebrated Sioux + watering place and mebbe on the warpath, so I can't rely on the + mails much, but I manage, generally, to get hold of a few old papers and + magazines now and then. I don't always know who's president + before breakfast the day after election, but I manage to skirmish around + and find out before his term expires. + </p> + <p> + “Now, speaking about the religion of the day, or, rather, the place + where it used to be, it seems to me as if there's a mistake + somewhere. It looks as if religion meant greenness, and infidelity meant + science and smartness, according to the papers. I'm no scientist + myself. I don't know evolution from the side of a house. As an + evolver I couldn't earn my board, probably, and I wouldn't + know a protoplasm from a side of sole leather; but I know when I get to + the end of my picket rope, and I know just as sure where the knowable + quits and the unknowable begins as anybody. I mean I can crawl into a + prairie dog hole, and pull the hole in and put it in my pocket, in my + poor, weak way, just as well as a scientist can. If a man offered to trade + me a spavined megatherium for a foundered hypothesis, I couldn't + know enough about either of the blamed brutes to trade and make a profit. + I never run around after delightful worms and eccentric caterpillers. I + have so far controlled myself and escaped the habit, but I am able to + arrive at certain conclusions. You think that because I am the + brother-in-law to an Indian outbreak, I don't care whether Zion + languishes or not; but you are erroneous. You make a very common mistake. + </p> + <p> + “Mind you, I don't pretend to be up on the plan of salvation, + and so far as vicarious atonement goes, I don't even know who is the + author of it, but I've got a kind of hand-made religion that suits + me. It's cheap, and portable, and durable, and stands our severe + northern climate first rate. It ain't the protuberant kind. It don't + protrude into other people's way like a sore thumb. All-wool + religion don't go around with a chip on it's shoulder looking + for a personal deal. + </p> + <p> + “If I had time and could move my library around with me during our + summer tour, I might monkey with speculative science and expose the plan + of creation, but as it is now, I really haven't time. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MOVING HIS LIBRARY.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9254}.jpg" alt="{9254}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9254}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “I say this, however, friends, Romans and backsliders: I think + sometimes when my little half-breed girl comes to me in the evening in her + night dress, and kneels by me with her little brown face in between my + knees, and with my hard hands in her unbraided hair, that she's got + something better than speculative science when she says: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Now I lay me down to sleep. + I pray the Lord my soul to keep; + If I should die before I wake, + I pray the Lord my soul to take: + This I ask for Jesus' sake;' +</pre> + <p> + “and I know that a million more little angels are saying that same + thing, at that same hour, to the same imaginary God, I say to myself, if + that is a vain, empty infatuation, blessed be that holy infatuation. + </p> + <p> + “If that's a wild and crazy delusion, let me be always + deluded. If forty millions of chubby little angels bow their dimpled knees + every evening to a false and foolish tradition, let me do so, too. If I + die, then I will be in good company, even if I go no farther than the + clouds of the valley.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0093" id="link2H_4_0093"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + One Kind of Fool. + </h2> + <p> + A young man, with a plated watch-chain that would do to tie up a sacred + elephant, came into Denver the other day from the East, on the Julesburg + Short line, and told the hotel clerk that he had just returned from + Europe, and was on his way across the continent with the intention of + publishing a book of international information. He handed an oilcloth grip + across the counter, registered in a bold, bad way and with a flourish that + scattered the ink all over the clerk's white shirt front. + </p> + <p> + He was assigned to a quiet room on the fifth floor, that had been damaged + by water a few weeks before by the fire department. After an hour or two + spent in riding up and down the elevator and ringing for things that didn't + cost anything, he oiled his hair and strolled into the dining-room with a + severe air and sat down opposite a big cattle man, who never oiled his + hair or stuck his nose into other people's business. + </p> + <p> + The European traveler entered into conversation with the cattle man. He + told him all about Paris and the continent, meanwhile polishing his hands + on the tablecloth and eating everything within reach. While he ate another + man's dessert, he chatted on gaily about Cologne and pitied the + cattle man who had to stay out on the bleak plains and watch the cows, + while others paddled around Venice and acquired information in a foreign + land. + </p> + <p> + At first the cattle man showed some interest in Europe, but after awhile + he grew quiet and didn't seem to enjoy it. Later on the European + tourist, with soiled cuffs and auburn mane, ordered the waiters around in + a majestic way, to impress people with his greatness, tipped over the + vinegar cruet into the salt and ate a slice of boiled egg out of another + man's salad. + </p> + <p> + Casually a tall Kansas man strolled in and asked the European tourist what + he was doing in Denver. The cattle man, who, by the way, has been abroad + five or six times and is as much at home in Paris as he is in Omaha, + investigated the matter, and learned that the fresh French tourist had + been herding hens on a chicken ranch in Kansas for six years, and had + never seen blue water. He then took a few personal friends to the + dining-room door, and they watched the alleged traveler. He had just taken + a long, refreshing drink from the finger bowl of his neighbor on the left + and was at that moment, trying to scoop up a lump of sugar with the wrong + end of the tongs. + </p> + <p> + There are a good many fools who drift around through the world and dodge + the authorities, but the most disastrous ass that I know is the man who + goes West with two dollars and forty cents in his pocket, without brains + enough to soil the most delicate cambric handkerchief, and tries to play + himself for a savant with so much knowledge that he has to shed + information all the time to keep his abnormal knowledge from hurting him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0094" id="link2H_4_0094"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + John Adams' Diary. + </h2> + <p> + December 3, 1764.—I am determined to keep a diary, if possible, the + rest of my life. I fully realize how difficult it will be to do so. Many + others of my acquaintance have endeavored to maintain a diary, but have + only advanced so far as the second week in January. It is my purpose to + write down each evening the events of the day as they occur to my mind, in + order that in a few years they may be read and enjoyed by my family. I + shall try to deal truthfully with all matters that I may refer to in these + pages, whether they be of national or personal interest, and I shall seek + to avoid anything bitter or vituperative, trying rather to cool my temper + before I shall submit my thoughts to paper. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “WHERE'S THE PIE?"} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8257}.jpg" alt="{8257} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8257}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + December 4.—This morning we have had trouble with the hired girl. It + occurred in this wise: We had fully two-thirds of a pumpkin pie that had + been baked in a square tin. This major portion of the pie was left over + from our dinner yesterday, and last night, before retiring to rest, I + desired my wife to suggest something in the cold pie line, which she did. + I lit a candle and explored the pantry in vain. The pie was no longer + visible. I told Mrs. Adams that I had not been successful, whereupon we + sought out the hired girl, whose name is Tootie Tooterson, a foreign + damsel, who landed in this country Nov. 7, this present year. She does not + understand our language, apparently, especially when we refer to pie. The + only thing she does without a strong foreign accent is to eat pumpkin pie + and draw her salary. She landed on our coast six weeks ago, after a + tedious voyage across the heaving billows. It was a close fight between + Tootie and the ocean, but when they quit, the heaving billows were one + heave ahead by the log. + </p> + <p> + Miss Tooterson landed in Massachusetts in a woolen dress and hollow clear + down into the ground. A strong desire to acquire knowledge and cold, + hand-made American pie seems to pervade her entire being. + </p> + <p> + She has only allowed Mrs. Adams and myself to eat what she did not want + herself. + </p> + <p> + Miss Tooterson has also introduced into my household various European + eccentricities and strokes of economy which deserve a brief notice here. + Among other things she has made pie crust with castor oil in it, and + lubricated the pancake griddle with a pork rind that I had used on my lame + neck. She is thrifty and saving in this way, but rashly extravagant in the + use of doughnuts, pie and Medford rum, which we keep in the house for + visitors who are so unfortunate as to be addicted to the doughnut, pie or + rum habit. + </p> + <p> + It is discouraging, indeed, for two young people like Mrs. Adams and + myself, who have just begun to keep house, to inherit a famine, and such a + robust famine, too. It is true that I should not have set my heart upon + such a transitory and evanescent terrestrial object like a pumpkin pie so + near to T. Tooterson, imported pie soloist, doughnut mastro and feminine + virtuoso, but I did, and so I returned from the pantry desolate. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A PIE SOLOIST.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9258}.jpg" alt="{9258}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9258}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I told Abigail that unless we poisoned a few pies for Tootie the Adams + family would be a short-lived race. I could see with my prophetic eye that + unless the Tootersons yielded the Adamses would be wiped out. Abigail + would not consent to this, but decided to relieve Miss Tooterson from duty + in this department, so this morning she went away. Not being at all + familiar with the English language, she took four of Abigail's + sheets and quite a number of towels, handkerchiefs and collars. She also + erroneously took a pair of my night-shirts in her poor, broken way. Being + entirely ignorant of American customs, I presume that she will put a belt + around them and wear them externally to church. I trust that she will not + do this, however, without mature deliberation. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: IGNORANT OF AMERICAN CUSTOMS.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0259}.jpg" alt="{0259}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0259}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I also had a bottle of lung medicine of a very powerful nature which the + doctor had prepared for me. By some oversight, Miss Tooterson drank this + the first day that she was in our service. This was entirely wrong, as I + did not intend to use it for the foreign trade, but mostly for home + consumption. + </p> + <p> + This is a little piece of drollery that I thought of myself. I do not + think that a joke impairs the usefulness of a diary, as some do. A diary + with a joke in it is just as good to fork over to posterity as one that is + not thus disfigured. In fact, what has posterity ever done for me that I + should hesitate about socking a little humor into a diary? When has + posterity ever gone out of its way to do me a favor? Never! I defy the + historian to show a single instance where posterity has ever been the + first to recognize and remunerate ability. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0095" id="link2H_4_0095"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + John Adams' Diary. + </h2> + <p> + (No. 2.) + </p> + <p> + December 6.—It is with great difficulty that I write this entry in + my diary, for this morning Abigail thought best for me to carry the + oleander down into the cellar, as the nights have been growing colder of + late. + </p> + <p> + I do not know which I dislike most, foreign usurpation or the oleander. I + have carried that plant up and down stairs every time the weather has + changed, and the fickle elements of New England have kept me rising and + falling with the thermometer, and whenever I raised or fell I most always + had that scrawny oleander in my arms. + </p> + <p> + Richly has it repaid us, however, with its long, green, limber branches + and its little yellow nubs on the end. How full of promises to the eye + that are broken to the heart. The oleander is always just about to meet + its engagements, but later on it peters out and fails to materialize. + </p> + <p> + I do not know what we would do if it were not for our house plants. Every + fall I shall carry them cheerfully down cellar, and in the spring I will + bring up the pots for Mrs. Adams to weep softly into. Many a night at the + special instance and request of my wife I have risen, clothed in one + simple, clinging garment, to go and see if the speckled, double and + twisted Rise-up-William-Riley geranium was feeling all right. + </p> + <p> + Last summer Abigail brought home a slip of English ivy. I do not like + things that are English very much, but I tolerated this little sickly + thing because it seemed to please Abigail. I asked her what were the + salient features of the English ivy. What did the English ivy do? What + might be its specialty? Mrs. Adams said that it made a specialty of + climbing. It was a climber from away back. “All right,” I then + to her did straightway say, “let her climb.” It was a good + early climber. It climbed higher than Jack's beanstalk. It climbed + the golden stair. Most of our plants are actively engaged in descending + the cellar stairs or in ascending the golden stair most all the time. + </p> + <p> + I descended the stairs with the oleander this morning, though the oleander + got there a little more previously than I did. Parties desiring a good, + secondhand oleander tub, with castors on it, will do well to give us a + call before going elsewhere. Purchasers desiring a good set of second-hand + ear muffs for tulips will find something to their advantage by addressing + the subscriber. + </p> + <p> + We also have two very highly ornamental green dogoods for ivy vines to + ramble over. We could be induced to sell these dogoods at a sacrifice, in + order to make room for our large stock of new and attractive dogoods. + These articles are as good as ever. We bought them during the panic last + fall for our vines to climb over, but, as our vines died of membranous + croup in November, these dogoods still remain unclum. Second-hand dirt + always on hand. Ornamental geranium stumps at bed-rock prices. Highest + cash prices paid for slips of black-and-tan foliage plants. We are + headquarters for the century plant that draws a salary for ninety-nine + years and then dies. + </p> + <p> + I do not feel much like writing in my diary to-day, but the physician says + that my arm will be better in a day or two, so that it will be more of a + pleasure to do business. + </p> + <p> + We are still without a servant girl, so I do some of the cooking. I make a + fire each day and boil the teakettle. People who have tried my boiled + teakettle say it is very fine. + </p> + <p> + Some of my friends have asked me to run for the Legislature here next + election. Somehow I feel that I might, in public life, rise to distinction + some day, and perhaps at some future time figure prominently in the + affairs of a one-horse republic at a good salary. + </p> + <p> + I have never done anything in the statesman line, but it does not look + difficult to me. It occurs to me that success in public life is the result + of a union of several great primary elements, to-wit: + </p> + <p> + Firstly—Ability to whoop in a felicitous manner. + </p> + <p> + Secondly—Promptness in improving the proper moment in which to + whoop. + </p> + <p> + Thirdly—Ready and correct decision in the matter of which side to + whoop on. + </p> + <p> + Fourthly—Ability to cork up the whoop at the proper moment and keep + it in a cool place till needed. + </p> + <p> + And this last is one of the most important of all. It is the amateur + statesman who talks the most. Fearing that he will conceal his identity as + a fool, he babbles in conversation and slashes around in his shallow banks + in public. + </p> + <p> + As soon as I get the house plants down cellar and get their overshoes on + for the winter, I will more seriously consider the question of our + political affairs here in this new land where we have to tie our scalps on + at night and where every summer is an Indian summer. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0096" id="link2H_4_0096"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + John Adams' Diary + </h2> + <p> + (No. 3.) + </p> + <p> + December 10.—I have put in a long and exhausting day in the court + to-day in the case of Merkins vs. Merkins, a suit for divorce in which I + am the counsel for the plaintiff, Eliza J. Merkins. + </p> + <p> + The case itself is a peculiarly trying one, and the plaintiff adds to its + horrors by consulting me when I want to do something else. I took her case + at an agreed price, and so Mrs. Merkins is trying to get her money's + worth by consulting me in a way I abhor. She has consulted me in every + mood and tense that I know of; at my office, on the street, in church, at + the festive board and at different funerals to which we both happened to + be called. Mrs. Merkins has hung like a pall over several Massachusetts + funerals which otherwise had every symptom of success. + </p> + <p> + I am a great admirer of woman as a woman, but as a client in a suit for + divorce she has her peculiarities. I have seen Eliza in every phase of the + case. She has been calm and tearful, stormy and snorting, low-spirited and + red-nosed, violent and menacing, resigned but sobby, trustful and + confidential, high strung and haughty, crushed and weepy. + </p> + <p> + She makes a specialty of shedding the red-hot scalding tear wherever she + can obtain permission to do so. She has wept in my wood-box, in my new + spittoon, on my desk and on my birthday. I told her that I wished she + would please weep on something else. There were enough objects in nature + upon which a poor woman who wept constantly and had no other visible means + of support could shed the wild torrents of her grief, without weeping on + my anniversary. A man wants to keep his birthday as dry as possible. He + hates to have it wept on by a client who has jewed him down to half price, + and then insisted on coming in to sob with him in the morning before he + has swept the office floor. + </p> + <p> + One time she came and sobbed on my shoulder. Her tears are of the warm, + damp kind, and feel disagreeable as they roll down the neck of a + comparative stranger, who never can be aught but a friend. She rested her + bonnet on my bosom while she wept, and I then discovered that she has been + in the habit of wearing this bonnet while cooking her buckwheat pancakes. + I presume she keeps her bonnet on all the time, so that she may be ready + to dash out and consult me at all times without delay. Still, she ought + not to do it, for when she leans her head on the bosom of her counsel in + order to consult him, he detects the odor of the early sausage and the + fleeting pancake. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + You may bust such a bonnet and crush it if you will, + But the scent of the pancake will cling round it still. +</pre> + <p> + As soon as I saw that her object was to lean up against me and not only + convulse herself with sobs, but that she intended to jar me also with her + great woe, I told her that I would have to request her to avaunt. I then, + as she did not act upon my suggestion, avaunted her myself. I avaunted her + into a chair with a sickening thud. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A TENDER CASE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8263}.jpg" alt="{8263} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8263}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + She then burst forth in a torrent of vituperation. When the abnormal + sobber is suddenly corked up, these sobs rankle in the system and burst + forth in the shape of vituperation. In the course of her remarks, she + stated in a violent manner that she would denounce me throughout the + country and retain other counsel. I told her I wished she would, as my + sympathies were with Mr. Merkins. I told her that she must either pay me a + larger fee or I should insist on her weeping in the alley before she came + up. + </p> + <p> + She then took her departure with a rising inflection. On the following + day, however, I found her at the office door, and she stood near and + consulted me again, while I took up the ashes and started a fire in the + stove. + </p> + <p> + Her case is quite peculiar. + </p> + <p> + She wants a divorce from her husband on the grounds of cruelty to animals, + or something of that kind, and when she first told me about it I thought + she had a case, but when we came to trial I found that she had had every + reason to believe that if she could be segregated from Mr. Merkins she + could at once become the bride of a gentleman who ploughed the raging + main. + </p> + <p> + Just as we went to the jury to-day with the case, she heard casually that + the gentleman who had been in the main-ploughing business had just married + without her knowledge or consent. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0097" id="link2H_4_0097"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “Heap Brain.” + </h2> + <p> + Much trouble has been done by a long haired phrenologist in the West who + has, during his life, felt of over a hundred thousand heads. A comparison + of a large number of charts given in these cases shows that so far no head + examined would indicate anything less than a member of the lower house of + congress. Artists, orators, prima-donnas and statesmen are plenty, but + there are no charts showing the natural-born farmer, carpenter, shoemaker + or chambermaid. + </p> + <p> + That is the reason butter is so high west of the Missouri river to-day, + while genius actually runs riot. + </p> + <p> + What this day and age of the world needs, is a phrenologist who will paw + around among the intellectual domes of free-born American citizens, and + search out a few men who can milk a cow in a cool and unimpassioned tone + of voice. + </p> + <p> + It is true that every man in America is a sovereign, but he had better not + overdo it. The man who sits up nights to be a sovereign and allows the + calves to eat his brown-eyed beans, is not leading his fellow men up to a + higher and nobler life. The sovereign business can be run in the ground if + we are not careful. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A FUTURE PRESIDENT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9264}.jpg" alt="{9264}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9264}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Very likely the white-eyed boy with the hickory dado along the base of his + overalls is the boy who in future years is to be the president of the + United States. But do not, oh, do not trow, fair young reader, that every + Albino youth in our broad land who wears an isosceles triangle in navy + blue flannel athwart his system, is going to be the chief magistrate of + this mighty republic. + </p> + <p> + We need statesmen and orators and artists very much; but the world at this + moment also needs several athletic parties with the horse-sense adequate + to produce flour and other vegetables necessary to feed the aforesaid + statesmen, orators, etc., etc. + </p> + <p> + Let me say a word to the bright-eyed youth of America, Let me murmur in + your ear this never dying truth: When a long-haired crank asks you a + dollar to tell you, you are a young Demosthenes, stand up and look + yourself over at a distance before you swallow it all. + </p> + <p> + There is no use talking, we have got to procure provisions in some manner, + and in order to do so the natural-born bone and muscle of the country must + go at and promote the growth of such things, or else we artists, poets and + statesmen, will have to take off our standing collars and do it ourselves. + </p> + <p> + Phrenology is a good thing, no doubt, if we can purify it. So long as it + does not become the slave of capital, there is nothing about phrenology + that is going to do harm; but when it becomes the creature of the trade + dollar, it looks as though the country would be filled up with wild-eyed + genius that hasn't had a square meal for two weeks. The time will + surely come when America will demand less statesmanship and more flour; + when less statistics and a purer, nobler and more progressive style of + beefsteak will demand our attention. + </p> + <p> + I had hoped that phrenology would step in and start this reform; but so + far it has not, within the range of my observation. It may be, however, + that the mental giant bump translator with whom I came in contact was not + a fair representative. Still, he has been in the business for over thirty + years, and some of our most polished criminals have passed under his + hands. + </p> + <p> + An erroneous phrenologist once told me that I would shine as a revivalist, + and said that I ought to marry a tall blonde with a nervous, sanguinary + temperament. Then he said, “One dollar, please,” and I said, + “All right, gentle scientist with the tawny mane, I will give you + the dollar and marry the tall blonde with the bank account and bilious + temperament, when you give me a chart showing me how to dispose of a + brown-eyed brunette with a thoughtful cast of countenance, who married me + in an unguarded moment two years ago.” + </p> + <p> + He looked at me in a reproachful kind of way, struck at me with a chair in + an absent-minded manner and stole away. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0098" id="link2H_4_0098"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Approaching Humorist. + </h2> + <p> + The following letter has been received, and, as it encloses no unsmirched + postage stamp to insure a private reply, I take great pleasure in + answering it in these pages: + </p> + <p> + Christiana, Kas., Sept. 22nd, 1884 + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir.—I am studying for a Humorist. Could you help me to some of + the Joliest Books that are written? With some of the best Jokes of the Day + &c &c &c. + </p> + <p> + Also what it would be best for me to do for to become an Humorist. + </p> + <p> + I am said to be a Natural Born Humorist by my friends and all I need is + Cultivation to make my mark. + </p> + <p> + Please reply by return mail. + </p> + <p> + Kindly Yours + </p> + <p> + Herman A.H. + </p> + <p> + For some time I have been grieving over the dearth of humor in America, + and wondering who the great coming humorist was to be. Several papers have + already deplored the lack of humor in our land, but they have not been + able to put their finger on the approaching humorist of the age. Just as + we had begun to despair, however, here he comes, quietly and + unostentatiously, modestly and ungrammatically. Unheralded and silently, + like Maud S. or any other eminent man, he slowly rises above the Kansas + horizon, and tells us that it will be impossible to conceal his identity + any longer. He is the approaching humorist of the nineteenth century. + </p> + <p> + It is a serious matter, Herman, to prescribe a course of study that will + be exactly what you need to bring you out. Perhaps you might do well to + take a Kindergarten course in spelling and the rudiments of grammar; + still, that is not absolutely necessary. A friend of mine named Billings + has done well as a humorist, though his knowledge of spelling seems to be + pitiably deficient. Grammar is convenient where a humorist desires to put + on style or show off before crowned heads, but it is not absolutely + indispensable. + </p> + <p> + Regarding the “Joliest Books” necessary for your perusal, in + order to chisel your name on the eternal tablets of fame, tastes will + certainly differ. I am almost sorry that you wrote to me, because we might + not agree. You write like one of these “Joly” humorists such + as people employ to go along with a picnic and be the life of the party, + and whose presence throughout the country has been so depressing. If one + may be allowed to judge of your genius by the few autograph lines + forwarded, you belong to that class of brain-workers upon whom devolves + the solemn duty of pounding sand. If you are really a brain-worker, will + you kindly inform the writer whose brain you are working now, and how you + like it as far as you have gone? + </p> + <p> + American humor has burst forth from all kinds of places, nearly. The + various professions have done their share. One has risen from a tramp + until he is wealthy and dyspeptic, and another was blown up on a steamboat + before he knew that he was a humorist. + </p> + <p> + Suppose you try that, Herman. M. Quad, one of the very successful + humorists of the day, both in a literary and financial way, was blown up + by a steamboat before he bloomed forth into the full flush and power of + success. Try that, Herman. It is a severe test, but it is bound to be a + success. Even if it should be disastrous to you, it will be rich in its + beneficial results to those who escape. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0267}.jpg" alt="{0267}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0267}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0099" id="link2H_4_0099"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + What We Eat. + </h2> + <p> + On 3d street, St. Paul, there stands a restaurant that has outside as a + sign, under a glass case, a rib roast, a slice of ham and a roast duck + that I remembered distinctly having seen there in 1860 and before the war. + I asked an epicure the other day if he thought it right to keep those + things there year after year when so many were starving throughout the + length and breadth of the land. He then straightway did take me up close + so that I could see that the food was made of plaster and painted, as + hereinbefore set forth and by me translated, as Walt Whitman would say. + </p> + <p> + A day or two afterward, at a rural hotel, I struck some of that same roast + beef and ham. I thought that the sign had been put on the table by + mistake, and I made bold to tell the proprietor about it, on the ground + that “any neglect or impertinence on the part of servants should be + reported at the office.” He received the information with great + rudeness and a most disagreeable air. + </p> + <p> + There are two kinds of guests who live at the average hotel. One is the + party who gets up and walks over the whole <i>corps de hote</i>, from the + bald-headed proprietor to the bootblack, while the other is the meek and + mild-eyed man, doomed to sit at the table and bewail the flight of time + and the horrors of starvation while waiting for the relief party to come + with his food. + </p> + <p> + I belong to the latter class. Born, as I was, in a private family, and + early acquiring the habit of eating food that was intended to assuage + hunger mostly, it takes me a good while to accustom myself to the style of + dyspeptic microbe used simply to ornament a bill of fare. Of course it is + maintained by some hotel men that food solely for eating purposes is + becoming obsolete and <i>outre</i>, and that the stuff they put on their + bills of fare is just as good to pour down the back of a guest as diet + that is cooked for the common, low, perverted taste of people who have no + higher aspiration than to eat their food. + </p> + <p> + Of course the genial, urbane and talented reader will see at once the + style of hotel I am referring to. It is the hotel that apes the good hotel + and prints a bill of fare solely as a literary effort. That is the hotel + where you find the moth-eaten towel and the bed-ridden coffee. There is + where you get butter that runs the elevator day times and sleeps on the + flannel cakes at night. + </p> + <p> + It is there that you meet the weary and way-worn steak that bears the + toothprints of other guests who are now in a land where the early-rising + chambermaid cannot enter. + </p> + <p> + I also refer to the hotel where the bellboy is simply an animated polisher + of banisters, and otherwise extremely useless. It is likewise the house + where the syrup tastes like tincture of rhubarb, and the pancakes taste + like a hektograph. + </p> + <p> + The traveling man will call to mind the hotel to which I refer, and he + will instantly name it and tell you that he has never spent the Sabbath + there. + </p> + <p> + I honestly believe that some hotel men lose money and custom by trying to + issue a large blanket-sheet bill of fare every day, when a more modest + list containing two or three things that a human being could eat with + impunity would be far more acceptable, healthy and remunerative. + </p> + <p> + Some people can live on cracked wheat, bran and skimmed milk, no matter + where they go, and so they always seem to be perfectly happy; but, while + simplicity is my watchword, and while I am Old Simplicity himself, as it + were, I haven't been constructed with stomachs enough to + successfully wrestle with these things. I like a few plain dishes with + victuals on them, cooked by a person who has had some experience in that + line before. I am not so especially tied to high prices and finger-bowls, + for I have risen from the common people, and during the first eighteen + years of my life I had to dress myself. I was not always the pampered + child of enervating luxury that I now am, by any means. So I can subsist + for weeks on good, plain food, and never murmur or repine; but where the + mistake at some hotels seems to have been made, is in trying to issue a + bill of fare every day that will attract the attention of literary minds + and excite the curiosity of linguists instead of people who desire to + assuage an internal craving for grub. + </p> + <p> + I use the term grub in its broadest and most comprehensive sense. + </p> + <p> + So, if I may take the liberty to do so, let me exhort the landlord who is + gradually accumulating indebtedness and remorse, to use a plainer, less + elaborate, but more edible list of refreshments. Otherwise his guests will + all die young. + </p> + <p> + Let him discard the seamless waffle and the kiln-dried hen. Let him + abstain from the debris known as cottage pudding, that being its alias, + while the doctors recognize it as old Gastric Disturbance. Too much of our + hotel food tastes like the second day of January or the fifth day of July. + That's the whole thing in a few words, and unless the good hotels + are nearer together we shall have to multiply our cemetery facilities. + </p> + <p> + Poor hotels are responsible for lots of drunkards every year. The only + time I am tempted to soak my sorrows in rum is after I have read a + delusive bill of fare and eaten a broiled barn-hinge with gravy on it that + tasted like the broth of perdition. It is then that the demon of + intemperance and colic comes to me and, in siren tones, says: “Try + our bourbon, with 'Polly Narius' on the side.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0100" id="link2H_4_0100"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Care of House Plants. + </h2> + <p> + Stern winter is the season in which to keep the eye peeled for the fragile + little house plant. It is at that time that the coarse and brutal husband + carries the Scandinavian flower known as the Ole Ander, part way down the + cellar, and allows it to fall the rest of the way. I carried a large Ole + Andor up and down stairs for nine years, until the spring of 1880. That + was rather a backward spring, and a pale red cow, with one horn done up in + a French twist, ate the most of it as it stood on the porch. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: CARRYING OUT THE OLE ANDER.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8271}.jpg" alt="{8271} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8271}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + This cow was a total stranger to me. I had never done anything for her by + which to win her esteem. It shows how Providence works through the + humblest means sometimes to accomplish a great good. + </p> + <p> + I have tried many times to find the postoffice address of that lonely cow, + so I might comfort her declining years, but she seemed to have melted away + into the bosom of space, for I cannot find her. Anyone knowing the + whereabouts of a pale red cow, with one horn done up in a French twist, + and wearing a look of settled melancholy, will please communicate the same + to me, as we have another Ole Ander that will just about fit her, I think, + by spring. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WREAKING VENGEANCE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0272}.jpg" alt="{0272}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0272}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Bulbs may be wrapped in cotton and put in a cool place in the fall, and + fed to the domestic animals in the spring. Geraniums should put on their + buffalo overcoats about the middle of November in our rigid northern + clime, and in the spring they will have the same luxuriant foliage as the + tropical hat-rack. Vines may be left in the room during the winter until + the furnace slips a cog and then you can pull them down and feed them to + the family horses. In changing your plants from the living rooms or + elsewhere to the cellar in the fall, take great care to avoid injury to + the pot. I have experienced some very severe winters in my life, but I + have never seen the mercury so low that a flowerpot couldn't + struggle through and look fresh and robust in the spring. The longevity of + the pot is surprising when we consider how much death there is all about + it. I had a large brown flower-pot once that originally held the germ of a + calla lily. This lily emerged from the soil with the light of immortality + in its eye. It got up to where we began to be attached to it, and then it + died. Then we put a plant in its place which was given us by a friend. I + do not remember now what this plant was called, but I know it was sent to + us wrapped up in a piece of moist brown paper, and half an hour later a + dray drove up to the house with the name of the plant itself. In the + summer it required very little care, and in the winter I would cover the + little thing up with its name, and it would be safe till spring. One + evening we had a free-for-all <i>musicale</i> at my house, and a corpulent + friend of mine tried to climb it, and it died. (Tried to climb the plant, + not the <i>musicale</i>.) The plant yielded to the severe climb it. This + joke now makes its <i>debut</i> for the first time before the world. + Anyone who feels offended with this joke may wreak his vengeance on a + friend of mine named Sullivan, who is passionately fond of having people + wreak their vengeance on him. People having a large amount of unwreaked + vengeance on hand will do well to give him a call before purchasing + elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0101" id="link2H_4_0101"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Peaceable Man. + </h2> + <p> + Will L. Visscher always made a specialty of being a peaceable man. He + would make most any sacrifice in order to secure general amnesty. I've + known him to go around six blocks out of his way, to avoid a stormy + interview with a belligerant dog. He was always very tender-hearted about + dogs, especially the open-faced bulldog. + </p> + <p> + But he had a queer experience years ago, in St. Jo, Missouri. He had been + city editor of the Kansas City <i>Journal</i> for some time, but one + evening, while in the composing-room, the foreman told him that the place + for the city editor was down stairs, in his office. He therefore ordered + Visscher to go down there. Visscher said he would do so later on, after he + got fatigued with the composing-room and wanted change of scene. + </p> + <p> + The foreman thereupon jumped on Mr. Visscher with a small pica wrought + iron side stick. Visscher allowed that he was a peaceable man, but entered + into the general chaos of double-leaded editorial, and hair and brass + dashes, and dashes for liberty and heterogeneous “pi,” and + foot-sticks and teeth, with great zeal. He succeeded in putting a large + doric head on the foreman, and although he was a peaceable man, he went + down to the office and got his discharge for disturbing the discipline of + the office. + </p> + <p> + He went to St. Jo the same day, and celebrated his <i>debut</i> into the + town by a little game of what is known as “draw.” He was + fortunate in “filling his hand,” and while he was taking in + the stakes, a young man from Arkansas, who was in the game, nipped a + two-dollar note in a quiet kind of way, which, however, was detected by + Mr. V., who mentioned the matter at the time. This maddened the Arkansas + man, and later on he put one of his long arms around Mr. Visscher so as to + pinion him, and then smote him across the brow with an instrument, known + to science as “the brass knucks.” This irritated Mr. Visscher, + and as soon as he had returned to consciousness he remarked that, although + it was rather an up-hill job in Missouri, he was trying to be a peaceable + man. He then broke the leg of a card-table over the head of the Arkansas + man, and went to the doctor to get his own brow sewed on again. + </p> + <p> + While he was sitting in the doctor's office a friend of the Arkansas + man came in and asked him to please stand up while he knocked him down. + Visscher opened a little dialogue with the man, and drew him into + conversation till he could open a case of surgical instruments near by, + then he took out one of those knives that the surgeons use in removing the + viscera from the leading gentleman at a post mortem. + </p> + <p> + “Now,” said he, sharpening the knife on the stove-pipe and + handing down a jar containing alcohol with a tumor in it, “I am a + peaceful man and don't want any fuss; but if you insist on a + personal encounter, I will slice off fragments of your physiognomy at my + leisure, and for twenty minutes I will fill this office with your favorite + features. I make a specialty of being a peaceable man, remember; but if + you'll just say the word, I'll put overcoat button-holes and + eyelet-holes and crazy-quilts all over your system. If I've got to + kill off the poker-players of St. Jo before I can have any fun, I guess I + might as well begin on you as on any one I know.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE WAS A PEACEABLE MAN.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8275}.jpg" alt="{8275} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8275}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + He then made a stab at the man and pinned his coat-tail to the door-frame. + Fear loaned the bad man strength, and, splitting the coat-tail, he fled, + taking little mementoes of the tumor-jar and shedding them in his flight. + </p> + <p> + When Mr. Visscher went up to the <i>Herald</i> office soon after to get a + job, he was introduced casually to the foreman, who said: + </p> + <p> + “Ah, this is the young man who licks the foreman of the paper he + works on, is it? I am glad to meet you, Mr. Visscher. I am looking for a + white-eyed son of a sea-cook who goes around over Missouri thumping the + foremen of our leading journals. Come out into the ante-room, Mr. + Visscher, till I jar your back teeth loose and send you to the morgue in a + gunny-sack.” Mr. Visscher repeated that he was trying to live in + Missouri and be a peaceable man, but that if there was anything that he + could do to make it pleasant for the foreman, he would cheerfully do it. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Visscher was a small man, but when he felt aggrieved about anything he + was very harassing to his adversary. They “clinched” and threw + each other back and forth across the hall with great vigor. When they + stopped for breath, the foreman's coat was pulled over his head and + the bosom of Mr. Visscher's shirt was hanging on the gas-jet. There + were also two front teeth on the floor unaccounted for. + </p> + <p> + Visscher pinned on his shirt-bosom and said he was a peaceable man, but if + the custom seemed to demand four fights in one day, he would try to + conform to any local usage of the city. Wherever he went, he wanted to + fall right into line and be one of the party. + </p> + <p> + When he got well he was employed on the <i>Herald</i>, and for four years + edited the amnesty column of the paper successfully. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0102" id="link2H_4_0102"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Biography of Spartacus. + </h2> + <p> + Spartacus, whose given name seems to have been torn off in its passage + down through the corridors of time, was born in Thrace and educated as a + shepherd. While smearing the noses of the young lambs with tar one spring, + in order to prevent the snuffies among them, he thought that he would + become a robber. It occurred to him that this calling was the only one he + knew of that seemed to be open to the young man without means. + </p> + <p> + He had hardly got started, however, in the “hold up” industry, + when he was captured by the Romans, sold at cost and trained as a + gladiator, in a school at Capua. Here he succeeded in stirring up a + conspiracy and uniting two hundred or more of the grammar department of + the school in a general ruction, as it was then termed. + </p> + <p> + The scheme was discovered and only seventy of the number escaped, headed + by Spartacus. These snatched cleavers from the butcher shops, pickets from + the Roman fences and various other weapons, and with them fought their way + to the foot hill where they met a wagon train loaded with arms and + supplies. They secured the necessary weapons whereby to go into a general + war business and established themselves in the crater of Mount Vesuvius. + </p> + <p> + Spartacus was a man of wonderful carriage and great physical strength. It + had always been his theory that a man might as well die of old age as to + feed himself to a Roman menagerie. He maintained that he would rather die + in a general free fight, where he had a chance, than to be hauled around + over the arena by one leg behind a Numidian lion. + </p> + <p> + So he took his little band and fought his way to Vesuvius. There they had + a pleasant time camping out nights and robbing the Roman's daytimes. + The excitement of sleeping in a crater, added a wonderful charm to their + lives. While others slept cold in Capua, Spartacus cuddled up to the + crater and kept comfortable. + </p> + <p> + For a long time the little party had it all their own way. They sniffed + the air of freedom and lived on Roman spring chicken on the half shell, + and it beat the arena business all hollow. + </p> + <p> + At last, however, an army of 3,000 men was sent against them, and + Spartacus awoke one morning to find himself blocked up in his crater. For + a time the outlook was not cheering. Spartacus thought of telegraphing the + war department for reinforcements, but finally decided not to do so. + </p> + <p> + Finally, with ladders made of wild vines, the little garrison slipped out + through what had seemed an impassable fissure in the crater, got in the + rear of the army and demolished it completely. That's the kind of + man that Spartacus was. Fighting was his forte. + </p> + <p> + Spartacus was also a good public speaker. One of his addresses to the + gladiators has been handed down to posterity through the medium of the + Fifth Reader, a work that should be in every household. In his speech he + states that he was not always thus. But since he is thus, he believes that + he has not yet been successfully outthussed by any body. + </p> + <p> + He speaks of his early life in the citron groves of Syrsilla, and how + quiet and reserved he had been, never daring to say “gosh” + within a mile of the house; but finally how the Romans landed on his coast + and killed off his family. Then he desired to be a fighter. He had killed + more lions than any other man in Italy. He kept a big crew of Romans busy, + winter and summer, catching fresh lions for him to stick. He had killed a + large number of men also. At one matinee for ladies and children he had + killed a prominent man from the north, and had done it so fluently that he + was encored three times. The stage manager then came forward and asked + that the audience would please refrain from another encore as he had run + out of men, but if the ladies and children would kindly attend on the + following Saturday he hoped to be prepared with a good programme. In fact, + he had just heard from his agent who wrote him that they had purchased two + big lions and also had a robust gladiator up a tree. He hoped that he + could get into town in a day or two with both attractions. + </p> + <p> + Spartacus finally stood at the head of an army of 100,000 men, all + starting out from the little band of 70 that cut loose from Capua with + borrowed cleavers and axhandles. This war lasted but two years, during + which time Spartacus made Rome howl. Spartacus had too much sense to + attack Rome. But at last his army was betrayed and disorganized. With + nothing but death or capture for him, he rode out between the two + contending armies, shot his war horse in order to save expenses, and on + foot rushed into the thickest of the fight. This was positively his last + appearance. He killed a large number of people, but at last he yielded to + the great pressure that was brought to bear upon him and died. + </p> + <p> + Probably no man not actually engaged in the practice of medicine ever + killed so many people as Spartacus. He did not kill them because he + disliked them personally, but because he thought it advisable to do so. + Had he lived till the present time he would have done well as a lecturer. + “Ten Years in the Arena, with Illustrations,” would draw + first-rate at this time among a certain class of people. The large number + of people still living in this country, who will lay aside their work and + go twenty miles to attend a funeral, no matter whose funeral it is, would, + no doubt, enjoy a bull fight or the cairn and refining joy that hovered + over the arena. Those who have paid $175,000 to see Colonel John L. + Sullivan disfigure a friend, would, no doubt, have made it $350,000 if the + victim could have been killed and dragged around over the ring by the leg. + </p> + <p> + Two thousand years have not refined us so much that we need be puffed up + with false pride about it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0103" id="link2H_4_0103"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Concerning Book Publishing. + </h2> + <p> + “Amateur” writes me that he is about to publish a book, and + asks me if I will be kind enough to suggest some good, reliable publisher + for him. + </p> + <p> + This would suggest that “Amateur” wishes to confer his book on + some deserving publisher with a view to building him up and pouring a + golden stream of wealth into his coffers. “Amateur” already, + in his mind's eye, sees the eager millions of readers knocking each + other down and trampling upon one another in the mad rush for his book. In + my mind, I see his eye, lighted up with hope, and, though he lives in New + Jersey, I fancy I can hear his quickened breath as his bosom heaves. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WISHES TO CONFER HIS BOOK ON SOME DESERVING PUBLISHER.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9280}.jpg" alt="{9280}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9280}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Evidently he has never published a book. There is a good deal of fun ahead + of him that he does not wot of. I used to think that when I got the last + page of my book ready for press, the front yard would be full of + publishers tramping down the velvet lawn and the meek-eyed pansies in + their crazy efforts to get hold of the manuscript, but when I had written + the last word of my first volume of soul-throb, and had opened the + casement to look out on the howling, hungry mob of publishers, with + checkbooks in one hand and a pillow-case full of scads in the other, I was + a little puzzled to notice the abrupt and pronounced manner in which they + were not there. + </p> + <p> + All of us have to struggle before we can catch the eye of the speaker. + Milton didn't get one-fiftieth as much for “Paradise Lost” + as I got for my first book, and yet you will find people to-day who claim + that if Milton had lived he could have knocked the socks off of me with + one hand tied behind him. Recollect, however, that I am not here to open a + discussion on this matter. Everyone is entitled to his own opinion in + relation to authors. People cannot agree on the relative merits of + literature. Now, for instance, last summer I met a man over in South Park, + Col., who could repeat page after page of Shakespeare, and yet, when I + asked him if he was familiar with the poems of the “Sweet Singer of + Michigan,” he turned upon me a look of stolid vacancy, and admitted + that he had never heard of her in his life. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0104" id="link2H_4_0104"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Calm. + </h2> + <p> + The old Greeley Colony in Colorado, a genuine oasis in the desert, with + its huge irrigating canals of mountain water running through the mighty + wheat fields, glistening each autumn at the base of the range, affords a + good deal that is curious, not only to the mind of the gentleman from the + States, but even to the man who lives at Cheyenne, W.T., only a few hours' + journey to the north. + </p> + <p> + You could hardly pick out two cities so near each other and yet so unlike + as Cheyenne and Greeley. The latter is quiet, and even accused of being + dull, and yet everybody is steadily getting rich. It is a town of readers, + thinkers and mental independents. It is composed of the elements of New + England shrewdness and Western push, yet Greeley as compared with Cheyenne + would be called a typical New England town in the midst of the active, + fluctuating, booming West. + </p> + <p> + Cheyenne is not so tame. With few natural advantages the reputation of + Cheyenne is that, in commercial parlance, she is “A 1” for + promptness in paying her debts and absence of failures. There is more + wealth there in proportion to the number of inhabitants than elsewhere in + the civilized world, no doubt. The people take special pleasure in + surprising Eastern people who visit them by a reception very often that + they will long remember for cordiality, hospitality, and even + magnificence. + </p> + <p> + Still I didn't start out to write up either Cheyenne or Greeley. I + intended to mention casually Dr. Law, of the latter place, who acted as my + physician for a few months and coaxed me back from the great hereafter. I + had been under the hands of a physician just before, who was also coroner, + and who, I found afterward, was trying to treat me professionally as long + as the lamp held out to burn, intending afterward to sit upon me + officially. He had treated me professionally until he was about ready to + summon his favorite coroner's jury. Then I got irritated and left + the county of his jurisdiction. + </p> + <p> + Learning that Dr. Law was relying solely on the practice of medicine for a + livelihood, I summoned him, and after explaining the great danger that + stood in the way of harmonizing the practice of medicine and the official + work of the inquest business, I asked him if he had any business + connection with any undertaking establishment or <i>hic jacet</i> + business, and learning from him that he had none, I engaged him to solder + up my vertebrae and reorganize my spinal duplex. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes it isn't entirely the medicine you swallow that paralyzes + pain so much as it is the quiet magnetism of a good story and the snap of + a pleasant eye. I had one physician who tried to look joyous when he came + into the room, but he generally asked me to run my tongue out till he + could see where it was tied on, then he would feel my pulse with his cold + finger and time it with a $6 watch, and after that he would write a new + prescription for horse medicine and heave a sigh, look at me as he might + if it had been the last time he ever expected to see me on earth, and then + he would sigh and go away. When he came back he generally looked shocked + and grieved to find me alive. This was the <i>pro tem</i> physician and <i>ex-officio</i> + coroner. I always felt as though I ought to apologize to him for clinging + to life so, when no doubt he had the jury in the hall waiting to “view” + me. + </p> + <p> + Dr. Law used to tell me of the early history of the Greeley Colony, and + how the original cranks of the community used to be in session most of the + time, and how they sometimes neglected to do their planting to do + legislating, and how they overdid the council work and neglected to + “bug” their potatoes. I remember, also, of his description of + how the crew, working on the original big irrigating canal, struck when it + was about half done, and swore that from the Poudre the ditch was going to + run up hill, and would, therefore, be a failure. The engineer didn't + know at first what was best to do with the belligerent laborers, but + finally he took the leader away from the rest of the crew and said, + “Now, I tell you this in confidence, because of course I know + perfectly well that the stockholders may kick on it if they hear it, but I'm + building the blamed thing as level as I can and putting one end of it in + the Poudre and one end in the Platte. Now, if I'm building it up + hill the water'll run down from the Platte into the Poudre, and if + not it'll run from the Poudre into the Platte. Sabe?” + </p> + <p> + The ditch was built, and now a deep, still river runs from the Poudre to + the Platte, according to advertisement. + </p> + <p> + Greeley is also noted for its watchmakers. I sent my watch to the first + one I heard of, and he said it needed cleaning. He cleaned it. I paid him + $2 and took it home, when it ran two hours and then suspended. Then I took + it to another watchmaker who said that the first man had used machine oil + on its works, and had heated the wheels so as to gum the oil on the cogs. + He would have to eradicate the cooked oil from the watch, and it would + cost me $3. I paid it, and joyfully took the watch home. The next day I + found that it had gained time enough to pay for itself. By noon, it had + fatigued itself so that it was losing terribly, and by the day following + had folded its still hands across its pale face in the sleep that knows no + waking. I took it to the third and last jeweler in the town. Everyone said + he was a good workman, but a trifle slow. In the afternoon I went in to + see how he was getting along with it. He was sitting at his bench with a + dice cup in his eye, apparently looking into the digestive economy of the + watch. + </p> + <p> + I looked at him some time, not wishing to disturb him and interfere with + his diagnosis. He did not move or say anything. Several people came in to + trade and get the correct time, but he paid no attention to them. + </p> + <p> + I got tired and changed from one foot to the other several times. Then I + asked him how he got along, or something of that kind, but he never opened + his head. He was the most preoccupied watch savant I ever saw. No outside + influence could break up his chain of thought when he got after a diseased + watch. + </p> + <p> + I finally got around on the outside of the shop and looked in the window, + where I could get a good view of his face. + </p> + <p> + He was asleep. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0105" id="link2H_4_0105"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Story of a Struggler. + </h2> + <p> + My name is Kaulbach. William J. Kaulbach is my name, and I am spending the + summer in Canada. I may remain here during the winter, also. My parents + are very poor. They had never been wealthy, and at the time of my birth + they were even less wealthy than they had been before. As soon as I was + born the poverty of my parents attracted my attention. I decided at once + to relieve their distress. I intended to aid them from my own pocket, but + found upon examination that I had no funds in my pocket; also, no pocket; + also, no place to put a pocket if I had brought one with me. So my parents + continued to be poor, and to put by a little poverty for a rainy day. I + was sole heir to the poverty they had acquired in all these years. + </p> + <p> + Nature did not do much for me in the way of beauty, either. I was quite + plain when born and may still be identified by that peculiarity. Plainess + with me is not only a characteristic, but it is a passion. My whole being + is wrapped up in it. My hair is a sort of neutral brindle, such as grows + upon the top of a retired hair trunk, and my freckles are olive green, + fading into a delicate, crushed-bran color. They are very large, and + actually pain me at times. + </p> + <p> + My teacher tried to encourage me by telling me of other poor boys who had + grown up to be president of the United States, and he tried to get me to + consent to having my name used as a candidate; but I refrained from doing + so. I knew that, although I was deserving of the place, I could not endure + the bitterness of a campaign, and that the illustrated papers would + enlarge upon my personal appearance and bring out my freckles till you + could hang your hat on them. + </p> + <p> + So I grew up to be a stage robber. + </p> + <p> + When I have my mask on my freckles do not show. I lectured on phrenology + at first to get means to prosecute my studies as a stage robber, and when + I had perfected myself as a burglar I went abroad to study the methods of + the Italian banditti. I was two years under the teaching of the old + masters, and acquired great fluency as a robber while there. I studied + from nature all the time, and some of my best work was taken from life. I + had an opportunity to observe all the methods of the most celebrated + garroting maestro and stilletto virtuoso. He was an enthusiast and + thoroughly devoted to his art. He had a large price on his head, also. + Aside from that he went bareheaded winter and summer. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MAKING HIS DEBUT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9286}.jpg" alt="{9286}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9286}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Finally I returned to my own native land, poor, but fired with a mighty + ambition. I went west and proceeded at once to <i>debut</i>. I went west + to hold up the country. I was very successful, indeed, and have had my + hands in the pockets of our most eminent men. + </p> + <p> + We were isolated from society a good deal, but we met the better class of + people now and then in the course of our business. I did not like so much + night work, and sometimes we had to eat raw pork because we did not wish + to build a fire that would attract mosquitoes and sheriffs. So we were + liable more or less to trichina and insomnia, but still we were free from + sewer gas and poll tax. We did not get our mail with much regularity, but + we got a lick at some mighty fine scenery. + </p> + <p> + But all this is only incidental. What I desired to say was this: Fame and + distinction come high, and when we have them in our grasp at last we find + that they bring their resultant sorrows. I worked long and hard for fame, + and sat up nights and rode through alkali dust for thousands of miles, + that I might be known as the leading robber of the age in which I lived, + only to find at last that my great fame was the source of my chief + annoyance. It made me so widely known that I felt, as Christine Nilsson + says, “as though I lived in a glass case.” Everyone wanted to + see me. Everyone wanted my autograph. Everyone wanted my skeleton to hang + up in the library. + </p> + <p> + I could have traveled with a show and drawn a large salary, but I hated to + wear a boiler iron overcoat all through the hot weather, after having + lived so wild and free. But all this attention worried me so that I could + not sleep, and many a night I would arise from the lava bed on which I had + reclined, and putting on my dressing-gown and slippers, I would wander + about under the stars and wish that I could be an unknown boy again in my + far away home. But I could not. I often wished that I could die a natural + death, but that was out of the question. + </p> + <p> + Finally, it got so that I did not dare to take a chew of tobacco, unless I + did so under an assumed name. I hardly dared to let go of my six-shooter + long enough to wipe my nose, for fear that someone might get the drop on + me. + </p> + <p> + That is the reason why I came to Canada. Here among so many criminals, I + do not attract attention, but I use a <i>nom de plume</i> all the time, + even here, and all these hot nights, while others take off their clothing, + I lie and swelter in my heavy winter <i>nom de plume</i>. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0106" id="link2H_4_0106"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Old Subscriber. + </h2> + <p> + At this season of the year, we are forcibly struck with the earnest and + honest effort that is being made by the publisher of the American + newspaper. It is a healthy sign and a hopeful one for the future of our + country. It occurs to me that with the great advancement of the newspaper, + and the family paper, and the magazine, we do not expect leaders and + statesmen to think for us so much as we did fifty years ago. We do not + allow the newspaper to mold us so much as we did. We enjoy reading the + opinion of a bright, brave, and cogent editor because we know that he sits + where he can acquire his facts in a few hours from all quarters of the + globe, and speak truly to his great audience in relation to those facts, + but we have ceased to allow even that man to think for us. + </p> + <p> + What then is to be the final outcome of all this? Is it not that the + average American is going to use, and is using, his thinker more than he + ever did before? Will not that thinker then, like the muscle of the + blacksmith's arm, or the mule's hind foot, grow to a wondrous + size as a result? Most assuredly. + </p> + <p> + The day certainly is not far distant, when the American can not only + out-fight, out-row, out-bat, out-run, out-lie, and out-sail all other + nationalities; but he will also be able to out-think them. We already + point with pride to some of the wonderful thoughts that our leading + thinkists, with their thinkers, have thunk. There are native born + Americans now living, who have thought of things that would make the head + of the amateur thinker ache for a week. + </p> + <p> + All this is largely due to the free use of the newspaper as a home + educator. The newspaper is growing more and more ubiquitous, if I may be + allowed the expression. Many poor people, who, a few years ago, could not + afford the newspaper, now have it scolloped and put it on their pantry + shelves every year. + </p> + <p> + But I did not start out to enlarge upon the newspaper. I would like to say + a word or two more, however, on that general subject. Very often we hear + some wise man with the responsibility of the universe on his shoulders, + the man who thinks he is the censor of the human race now, and that he + will be foreman of the grand jury on the Judgment Day—we hear this + kind of man say every little while: + </p> + <p> + “We've got too many papers. We are loaded down with reading + matter. Can't read all my paper every day. Lots of days I throw my + paper aside before I get it all read through, and never have a chance to + finish it. All that is dead loss.” + </p> + <p> + It is, of course, a dead loss to that kind of a man. He is the kind of man + that expects his family to begin at one side of the cellar and eat right + straight across, it—cabbages, potatoes, turnips, pickles, apples, + pumpkins, etc., etc.,—without stopping to discriminate. There are + none too many papers, so far as the subscriber is concerned. Looking at it + from the publisher's standpoint sometimes, there are too many. + </p> + <p> + To the man who has inherited too large, wide, sinewy hands, and a brain + that under the microscope looks like a hepatized lung, it seems some days + as though the field had been over-crowded when he entered it. To the young + man who was designed to maul rails or sock the fence-post into the bosom + of the earth, and who has evaded that sphere of action and disregarded the + mandate to maul rails, or to take a coal-pick and toy with the bowels of + the earth, hoping to win an easier livelihood by feeding sour paste to + village cockroaches, and still poorer pabulum to his subscribers, the + newspaper field seems to be indeed jam full. + </p> + <p> + But not so the man who is tall enough to see into the future about nine + feet. He still remembers that he must live in the hearts of his + subscribers, and he makes their wants his own. He is not to proud to + listen to suggestions from the man who works. He recognizes that it is not + the man with the diamond-mounted stomach who has contributed most to his + success, but the man who never dips into society much with the exception + of his family, perhaps, and that ought to be good society. A man ought not + to feel too good to associate with his wife and children. Generally my + sympathies are with his wife and children, if they have to associate with + him very much. + </p> + <p> + But if I could ever get down to it, I would like to say a word on behalf + of the old subscriber. Being an old subscriber myself, I feel an interest + in his cause; and as he rarely rushes into print except to ask why the + police contrive to keep aloof from anything that might look like a fight, + or to inquire why the fire department will continue year after year to run + through the streets killing little children who never injured the + department in any way, just so that they will be in time to chop a hole in + the roof of a house that is not on fire, and pour some water down into the + library, then whoop through an old tin dipper a few times and go away—as + the old subscriber does not generally say much in print except on the + above subjects, I make bold to say on his behalf that as a rule, he is not + treated half as well as the prodigal son, who has been spending his + substance on a rival paper, or stealing his news outright from the old + subscriber. + </p> + <p> + Why should we pat the new subscriber on the back, and give him a new album + that will fall to pieces whenever you laugh in the same room? Why should + you forget the old love for the new? Do we not often impose on the old + subscriber by giving up the space he has paid for to flaming + advertisements to catch the coy and skittish gudgeon who still lurks + outside the fold? Do we not ofttimes offer a family Bible for a new + subscriber when an old subscriber may be in a lost and undone state? + </p> + <p> + Do we not again and again offer to the wife of our new subscriber a + beautiful, plain gold ring, or a lace pin for a year's subscription + and $1, while the wife of our old subscriber is just in the shank of a + long, hard, cold winter, without a ring or a pin to her back? + </p> + <p> + We ought to remember that the old subscriber came to us with his money + when we most needed it. He bore with us when we were new in the business, + and used such provincialisms as “We have saw” and “If we + had knew.” He bore with us when the new column rules were so sharp + that they chawed the paper all up, and the office was so cold, waiting for + wood to come in on subscription, that the “color” was greasy + and reluctant. He took our paper and paid for it, while the new subscriber + was in the penitentiary for all we know. He made a mild kick sometimes + when he “didn't git his paper reggler;” but he paid on + the first day of January every year in advance, out of an old calfskin + wallet that opened out like a concertina, and had a strap that went around + it four times, and looked as shiny, and sweaty, and good-natured as the + razor-strop that might have been used by Noah. + </p> + <p> + The old subscriber never asked any rebate, or requested a prize volume of + poetry with a red cover, because he had paid for another year; but he + simply warmed his numb fingers, so that he could loosen his overalls and + lower one side enough to let his hand into the pocket of his best + pantaloons underneath, and there he always found the smooth wallet, and + inside of it there was always a $2 bill, that had been put there to pay + for the paper. Then the old subscriber would warm his hands some more, ask + “How's tricks?” but never begin to run down the paper, + and then he would go away to work for another year. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE RIGHT SORT OF SUBSCRIBER.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8291}.jpg" alt="{8291} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8291}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I want to say that this country rests upon a great, solid foundation of + old, paid-up subscribers. They are the invisible, rock-ribbed + resting-place for the dazzling superstructure and the slim and peaked + spire. Whether we procure a new press or a new dress, a new contributor or + a new printers' towel, we must bank on the old subscriber; for the + new one is fickle, and when some other paper gives him a larger or a + redder covered book, he may desert our standard. He yearns for the + flesh-pots and the new scroll saws of other papers. He soon wearies of a + uniformly good paper, with no chance to draw a town lot or a tin mine—in + Montana. + </p> + <p> + Let us, therefore, brethren of the press, cling to the old subscriber as + he has clung to us. Let us say to him, on this approaching Christmas Eve, + “Son, thou art always with me, and all that I have is thine. It was + meet that we should make merry, that this, thy brother, who had been a + subscriber for our vile contemporary many years, but is alive again, and + during a lucid interval has subscribed for our paper; but, after all, we + would not go to him if we wanted to borrow a dollar. Remember that you + still have our confidence, and when we want a good man to indorse our note + at the bank, you will find that your name in our memory is ever fresh and + green.” + </p> + <p> + Looking this over, I am struck with the amount of stuff I have + successfully said, and yet there is a paucity of ideas. Some writers would + not use the word paucity in this place without first knowing the meaning + of it, but I am not that way. There are thousands of words that I now use + freely, but could not if I postponed it until I could learn their meaning. + Timidity keeps many of our authors back, I think. Many are more timid + about using big words than they are about using other people's + ideas. + </p> + <p> + A friend of mine wanted to write a book, but hadn't the time to do + it. So he asked me if I wouldn't do it for him. He was very + literary, he said, but his business took up all his time, so I asked him + what kind of a book he wanted. He said he wanted a funny book, with + pictures in it and a blue cover. I saw at once that he had fine literary + taste and delicate discrimination, but probably did not have time to give + it full swing. I asked him what he thought it would be worth to write such + a book. “Well,” he said, he had always supposed that I enjoyed + it myself, but if I thought I ought to have pay besides, he would be + willing to pay the same as he did for his other writing—ten cents a + folio. + </p> + <p> + He is worth $50,000, because he has documentary evidence to show that a + man who made that amount out of deceased hogs, had the misfortune to be + his father and then die. + </p> + <p> + It was a great triumph to be born under such circumstances, and yet the + young man lacks the mental stamina necessary to know how to successfully + eat common mush and milk in such a low key that will not alarm the police. + </p> + <p> + I use this incident more as an illustration than anything else. It + illustrates how anything may be successfully introduced into an article of + this kind without having any bearing whatever upon it. + </p> + <p> + I like to close a serious essay, or treatise, with some humorous incident, + like the clown in the circus out West last summer, who joked along through + the performance all the afternoon till two or three children went into + convulsions, and hypochondria seemed to reign rampant through the tent. + All at once a bright idea struck him. He climbed up on the flying trapeze, + fell off, and broke his neck. He was determined to make that audience + laugh, and he did it at last. Every one felt repaid for the trouble of + going to the circus. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0107" id="link2H_4_0107"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Dog. + </h2> + <p> + I have owned quite a number of dogs in my life, but they are all dead now. + Last evening I visited my dog cemetery—just between the gloaming and + the shank of the evening. On the biscuit-box cover that stands at the head + of a little mound fringed with golden rod and pickle bottles, the idler + may still read these lines, etched in red chalk by a trembling hand: + </p> + <p> + LITTLE KOSCIUSKO,—NOT DEAD,—BUT JERKED HENCE By Request. + S.Y.L. (See you Later.) + </p> + <p> + I do not know why he was called Kosciusko. I do not care. I only know that + his little grave stands out there while the gloaming gloams and the + soughing winds are soughing. + </p> + <p> + Do you ask why I am alone here and dogless in this weary world? + </p> + <p> + I will tell you, anyhow. It will not take long, and it may do me good: + </p> + <p> + Kosciusko came to me one night in winter, with no baggage and + unidentified. When I opened the door he came in as though he had left + something in there by mistake and had returned for it. + </p> + <p> + He stayed with us two years as a watch-dog. In a desultory way, he was a + good watch-dog. If he had watched other people with the same unrelenting + scrutiny with which he watched me, I might have felt his death more keenly + than I do now. + </p> + <p> + The second year that little Kosciusko was with us, I shaved off a full + beard one day while down town, put on a clean collar and otherwise + disguised myself, intending to surprise my wife. + </p> + <p> + Kosciusko sat on the front porch when I returned. He looked at me as the + cashier of a bank does when a newspaper man goes in to get a suspiciously + large check cashed. He did not know me. I said, “Kosciusko, have you + forgotten your master's voice?” + </p> + <p> + He smiled sarcastically, showing his glorious wealth of mouth, but still + sat there as though he had stuck his tail into the door-steps and couldn't + get it out. + </p> + <p> + So I waived the formality of going in at the front door, and went around + to the portcullis, on the off side of the house, but Kosciusko was there + when I arrived. The cook, seeing a stranger lurking around the manor + house, encouraged Kosciusko to come and gorge himself with a part of my + leg, which he did. Acting on this hint I went to the barn. I do not know + why I went to the barn, but somehow there was nothing in the house that I + wanted. When a man wants to be by himself, there is no place like a good, + quiet barn for thought. So I went into the barn, about three feet prior to + Kosciusko. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE COMBAT.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0294}.jpg" alt="{0294}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0294}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Noticing the stairway, I ascended it in an aimless kind of way, about four + steps at a time. What happened when we got into the haymow I do not now + recall, only that Kosciusko and I frolicked around there in the hay for + some time. Occasionally I would be on top, and then he would have all the + delegates, until finally I got hold of a pitchfork, and freedom shrieked + when Kosciusko fell. I wrapped myself up in an old horse-net and went into + the house. Some of my clothes were afterward found in the hay, and the + doctor pried a part of my person out of Kosciusko's jaws, but not + enough to do me any good. + </p> + <p> + I have owned, in all, eleven dogs, and they all died violent deaths, and + went out of the world totally unprepared to die. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0108" id="link2H_4_0108"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Picturesque Picnic. + </h2> + <p> + Railroads have made the Rocky Mountain country familiar and contiguous, I + may say, to the whole world; but the somber canon, the bald and blackened + cliff, the velvety park and the snowy, silent peak that forever rests + against the soft, blue sky, are ever new. The foamy green of the torrent + has whirled past the giant walls of nature's mighty fortress myriads + of years, perhaps, and the stars have looked down into the great heart of + earth for centuries, where the silver thread of streams, thousands of feet + below, has been patiently carving out the dark canon where the eagle and + the solemn echo have their home. + </p> + <p> + I said this to a gentleman from Leadville a short time ago as we toiled up + Kenoska Hill, between Platte canon and the South Park, on the South Park + and Pacific Railway. He said that might be true in some cases and even + more so, perhaps, depending entirely on whether it would or not. + </p> + <p> + I do not believe at this moment that he thoroughly understood me. He was + only a millionaire and his soul, very likely, had never throbbed and + thrilled with the mysterious music nature yields to her poet child. + </p> + <p> + He could talk on and on of porphyry walls and contact veins, gray copper + and ruby silver, and sulphurets and pyrites of iron, but when my eye + kindled with the majestic beauty of these eternal battlements and my voice + trembled a little with awe and wonder; while my heart throbbed and + thrilled in the midst of nature's eloquent, golden silence, this man + sat there like an Etruscan ham and refused to throb or thrill. He was + about as unsatisfactory a throbber and thriller as I have met for years. + </p> + <p> + At an elevation of over 10,000 feet above high water mark, Fahrenheit, the + South Park, a hundred miles long, surrounded by precipitous mountains or + green and sloping foot-hills, burst upon us, In the clear, still air, a + hundred miles away, at Pueblo, I could hear a promissory note and + cut-throat mortgage drawing three per cent a month. So calm and unruffled + was the rarified air that I fancied I could hear the thirteenth assessment + on a share of stock at Leadville toiling away at the bottom of a two + hundred and fifty foot shaft. + </p> + <p> + Colorado air is so pure that men in New York have, in several instances, + heard the dull rumble of an assessment working as far away as the San Juan + country. + </p> + <p> + At Como, in the park, I met Col. Wellington Wade, the Duke of Dirty Woman's + Ranch, and barber extraordinary to old Stand-up-and-Yowl, chief of the + Piebiters. + </p> + <p> + Colonel Wade is a reformed temperance lecturer. I went to his shop to get + shaved, but he was absent. I could smell hair oil through the keyhole, but + the Colonel was not in his slab-inlaid emporium. He had been preparing + another lecture on temperance, and was at that moment studying the habits + of his adversary at a neighboring gin palace. I sat down on the steps and + devoured the beautiful landscape till he came. Then I sat down in the + chair, and he hovered over me while he talked about an essay he had + written on the flowing bowl. His arguments were not so strong as his + breath seemed to be. I asked him if he wouldn't breathe the other + way awhile and let me sober up. I learned afterward that although his nose + was red, his essay was not. + </p> + <p> + He would shave me for a few moments, and then he would hone the razor on + his breath and begin over again. I think he must have been pickling his + lungs in alcohol. I never met a more pronounced gin cocktail symphony and + bologna sausage study in my life. + </p> + <p> + I think Sir Walter Scott must have referred to Colonel Wade when he said, + “Breathes there a man with soul so dead?” Colonel Wade's + soul might not have been dead, but it certainly did not enjoy perfect + health. + </p> + <p> + I went over the mountains to Breckenridge the next day, climbed two miles + perpendicularly into the sky, rode on a special train one day, a push car + the next and a narrow-gauge engine the next. Saw all the beauty of the + country, in charge of Superintendent Smith, went over to Buena Vista and + had a congestion of the spine and a good time generally. You can leave + Denver on a morning train and see enough wild, grand, picturesque + loveliness before supper, to store away in your heart and hang upon the + walls of memory, to last all through your busy, humdrum life, and it is a + good investment, too. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0109" id="link2H_4_0109"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Taxidermy. + </h2> + <p> + This name is from two Greek words which signify “arrangement” + and “skin,” so that the ancient Greeks, no doubt, regarded + taxidermy as the original skin-game of that period. Taxidermy did not + flourish in America prior to the year 1828. At that time an Englishman + named Scudder established a museum and general repository for upholstered + beasts. + </p> + <p> + Since then the art has advanced quite rapidly. To properly taxiderm, + requires a fine taste and a close study of the subject itself in life, + akin to the requirements necessary in order to succeed as a sculptor. I + have seen taxidermed animals that would not fool anybody. I recall, at + this time especially, a mountain lion, stuffed after death by a party who + had not made this matter a subject of close study. The lion was + represented in a crouching attitude, with open jaws and red gums. As time + passed on and year succeeded year, this lion continued to crouch. His tail + became less rampant and drooped like a hired man on a hot day. His gums + became less fiery red and his reddish skin hung over his bones in a loose + and distraught manner, like an old buffalo robe thrown over the knees of a + vinegary old maid. Spiders spun their webs across his dull, white fangs. + Mice made their nests in his abdominal cavity. His glass eye became + hopelessly strabismussed, and the moths left him bald-headed on the + stomach. He was a sad commentary on the extremely transitory nature of all + things terrestrial and the hollowness of the stuffed beast. + </p> + <p> + I had a stuffed bird for a long time, which showed the cunning of the + stuffer to a great degree. It afforded me a great deal of unalloyed + pleasure, because I liked to get old hunters to look at it and tell me + what kind of a bird it was. They did not generally agree. A bitter and + acrimonious fight grew out of a discussion in relation to this bird. A man + from Vinegar Hill named Lyons and a party called Soiled Murphy (since + deceased), were in my office one morning—Mr. Lyons as a witness, and + Mr. Murphy in his great specialty as a drunk and disorderly. We had just + disposed of the case, and had just stepped down from the bench, intending + to take off the judicial ermine and put some more coal in the stove, when + the attention of Soiled Murphy was attracted to the bird. He allowed that + it was a common “hell-diver with an abnormal head,” while + Lyons claimed that it was a kingfisher. + </p> + <p> + The bird had a duck's body, the head of a common eagle and the feet + of a sage hen. These parts had been adjusted with great care and the tail + loaded with lead somehow, so that the powerful head would not tip the bird + up behind. With this <i>rara avis</i>, to use a foreign term, I loved to + amuse and instruct old hunters, who had been hunting all their lives for a + free drink, and hear them tell how they had killed hundred of these birds + over on the Poudre in an early day, or over near Elk Mountain when the + country was new. + </p> + <p> + So Lyons claimed that he had killed millions of these fowls, and Soiled + Murphy, who was known as the tomato can and beer-remnant savant of that + country, said that before the Union Pacific Railroad got into that + section, these birds swarmed around Hutton's lakes and lived on + horned toads. + </p> + <p> + The feeling got more and more partisan till Mr. Lyons made a pass at + Soiled Murphy with a large red cuspidor that had been presented to me by + Valentine Baker, a dealer in abandoned furniture and mines. Mr. Murphy + then welted Lyons over the head with the judicial scales. He then adroitly + caught a lump of bituminous coal with his countenance and fell to the + floor with a low cry of pain. + </p> + <p> + I called in an outside party as a witness, and in the afternoon both men + were convicted of assault and battery. Soiled Murphy asked for a change of + venue on the ground that I was prejudiced. I told him that I did not allow + anything whatever to prejudice me, and went on with the case. + </p> + <p> + This great taxidermic masterpiece led to other assaults afterward, all of + which proved remunerative in a small way. My successor claimed that the + bird was a part of the perquisites of the office, and so I had to turn it + over with the docket. + </p> + <p> + I also had a stuffed weasel from Cummins City that attracted a great deal + of attention, both in this country and in Europe. It looked some like a + weasel and some like an equestrian sausage with hair on it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0110" id="link2H_4_0110"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Ways of Doctors. + </h2> + <p> + “There's a big difference in doctors, I tell you,” said + an old-timer to me the other day. “You think you know something + about 'em, but you are still in the fluff and bloom, and + kindergarten of life, Wait till you've been through what I have.” + </p> + <p> + “Where, for instance?” I asked him. + </p> + <p> + “Well, say nothing about anything else, just look at the doctors we + had in the war. We had a doctor in our regiment that looked as if he knew + so much that it made him unhappy. I found out afterward that he ran a kind + of cow foundling asylum, in Utah before the war, and when he had to + prescribe for a human being, it seemed to kind of rattle him. + </p> + <p> + “I fell off'n my horse early in the campaign and broke my leg, + I rickolect, and he sot the bone. He thought that a bone should be sot + similar to a hen. He made what he called a good splice, but the break was + above the knee, and he got the cow idea into his head in a way that set + the knee behind. That was bad. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE GAVE ME A CIGAR.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8299}.jpg" alt="{8299} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8299}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “I told him one day that he was a blamed fool. He gave me a cigar + and told me I must be a mind reader. + </p> + <p> + “For several weeks our colonel couldn't eat anything, and + seemed to feel kind of billious. He didn't know what the trouble was + till he went to the doctor. He looked at the colonel a few moments, + examined his tongue, and told him right off that he had lost his cud. + </p> + <p> + “He bragged a good deal on his diagnosis. He said he'd like to + see the disease he couldn't diagnose with one hand tied behind him. + </p> + <p> + “He was always telling me how he had resuscitated a man they hung + over at T—— City in the early day. He was hung by mistake, it + seemed. It was a dark night and the Vigilance committee was in something + of a hurry, having another party to hang over at Dirty Woman's ranch + that night, and so they erroneously hung a quiet young feller from + Illinois, who had been sent west to cure a case of bronchitis. He was + right in the middle of an explanation when the head vigilanter kicked the + board from under him and broke his neck. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: BURIED WITH MILITARY HONORS.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0300}.jpg" alt="{0300}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0300}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + “All at once, some one said: 'My God, we have made a + ridiculous blunder. Boys, we can't be too careful about hanging + total strangers. A few more such breaks as these, and people from the + States will hesitate about coming here to make their homes. We have always + claimed that this was a good country for bronchitis, but if we write to + Illinois and tell this young feller's parents the facts, we needn't + look for a very large hegira from Illinois next season. Doc., can't + you do anything for the young man?' + </p> + <p> + “Then this young physician stepped forward, he says, and put his + knee on the back of the boy's neck, give it a little push, at the + same time pulled the head back with a snap that straightened the neck, and + the young feller, who was in the middle of a large word, something like + 'contumely,' when the barrel tipped over, finished out the + word and went right on with the explanation. The doctor said he lived a + good many years, and was loved and esteemed by all who knew him. + </p> + <p> + “The doctor was always telling of his triumphs in surgery. He did + save a good many lives, too, toward the close of the war. He did it in an + odd way, too. + </p> + <p> + “He had about one year more to serve, and, with his doctoring on one + side and the hostility of the enemy on the other, our regiment was wore + down to about five hundred men. Everybody said we couldn't stand it + more than another year. One day, however, the doctor had just measured a + man for a porus plaster, and had laid the stub of his cigar carefully down + on the top of a red powder-keg, when there was a slight atmospheric + disturbance, the smell of burnt clothes, and our regiment had to apply for + a new surgeon. + </p> + <p> + “The wife of our late surgeon wrote to have her husband's + remains forwarded to her, but I told her that it would be very difficult + to do so, owing to the nature of the accident. I said, however, that we + had found an upper set of store teeth imbedded in a palmetto tree near by, + and had buried them with military honors, erecting over the grave a large + board, on which was inscribed the name and age of the deceased and this + inscription: + </p> + <p> + “<i>Not dead, but spontaneously distributed. Gone to meet his + glorified throng of patients. Ta, ta, vain world</i>.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0111" id="link2H_4_0111"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Absent Minded. + </h2> + <p> + I remember an attorney, who practiced law out West years ago, who used to + fill his pipe with brass paper fasteners, and try to light it with a + ruling pen about twice a day. That was his usual average. + </p> + <p> + He would talk in unknown tongues, and was considered a thorough and + revised encyclopedia on everything from the tariff on a meerschaum pipe to + the latitude of Crazy Woman's Fork west of Greenwich, and yet if he + went to the postoffice he would probably mail his pocketbook and carefully + bring his letter back to the office. + </p> + <p> + One day he got to thinking about the Monroe doctrine, or the sudden and + horrible death of Judas Iscariot, and actually lost his office. He walked + up and down for an hour, scouring the town for the evanescent office that + had escaped his notice while he was sorrowing over the shocking death of + Judas, or Noah's struggles against malaria and a damp, late spring. + </p> + <p> + Martin Luther Brandt was the name of this eccentric jurist. He got up in + the night once, and dressed himself, and taking a night train in that + dreamy way of his, rode on to Denver, took the Rio Grande train in the + morning and drifted away into old Mexico somewhere. He must have been in + that same old half comatose state when he went away, for he made a most + ludicrous error in getting his wife in the train. When he arrived in old + Mexico he found that he had brought another man's wife, and by some + strange oversight had left his own at home with five children. It hardly + seems possible that a man could be so completely enveloped in a brown + study that he would err in the matter of a wife and five children, but + such was the case with Martin Luther. Martin Luther couldn't tell + you his own name if you asked him suddenly, so as to give him a nervous + shock. + </p> + <p> + This dreamy, absent-minded, wool-gathering disease is sometimes + contagious. Pretty soon after Martin Luther struck Mexico the malignant + form of brown study broke out among the greasers, and an alarming mania on + the somnambulistic order seemed to follow it. A party of Mexican + somnambuloes one night got together, and while the disease was at its + height tied Martin Luther to the gable of a 'dobe hen palace. His + soul is probably at this moment floundering around through space, trying + to find the evergreen shore. + </p> + <p> + An old hunter, who was a friend of mine, had this odd way of walking + aimlessly around with his thoughts in some other world. + </p> + <p> + I used to tell him that some day he would regret it, but he only laughed + and continued to do the same fool thing. + </p> + <p> + Last fall he saw a grizzly go into a cave in the upper waters of the + Platte, and strolled in there to kill her. As he has not returned up to + this moment, I am sure he has erroneously allowed himself to get mixed up + as to the points of the compass, and has fallen a victim to this fatal + brown study. Some think that the brown study had hair on it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0112" id="link2H_4_0112"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Woman's Wonderful Influence. + </h2> + <p> + “Woman wields a wonderful influence over man's destinies,” + said Woodtick William, the other day, as he breathed gently on a chunk of + blossom rock and then wiped it carefully with the tail of his coat. + </p> + <p> + “Woman in most cases is gentle and long suffering, but if you + observe close for several consecutive weeks you will notice that she + generally gets there with both feet. + </p> + <p> + “I've been quite a student of the female mind myself. I have, + therefore, had a good deal of opportunity to compare the everedge man with + the everedge woman as regards ketchin' on in our great general + farewell journey to the tomb. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “YOU GO ON WITH YOUR PETITION."} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9304}.jpg" alt="{9304}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9304}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “Woman has figgered a good deal in my own destinies. My first wife + was a large, powerful woman, who married me before I hardly knew it. She + married me down near Provost, in an early day. Her name was Lorena. The + name didn't seem to suit her complexion and phizzeek as a general + thing. It was like calling the fat woman in the museum Lily. Lorena was a + woman of great strength of purpose. She was also strong in the wrists. + Lorena was of foreign extraction, with far-away eyes and large, earnest + red hands. You ought to have saw her preserve order during the hour for + morning prayers. I had a hired man there in Utah, in them days, who was + inclined to be a scoffer at our plain home-made style of religion. So I + told Lorena that I was a little afraid that Orlando Whoopenkaugh would + rise up suddenly while I was at prayer and spatter my thinker all over the + cook stove, or create some other ruction that would cast a gloom over our + devotions. + </p> + <p> + “Lorena said: 'Never mind, William. You are more successful in + prayer, while I am more successful in disturbances. You go on with your + petition, and I will preserve order.” + </p> + <p> + “Lorena saved my life once in a singular manner. Being a large, + powerful woman, of course she no doubt preserved me from harm a great many + times; but on this occasion it was a clear case. + </p> + <p> + “I was then sinking on the Coopon claim, and had got the prospect + shaft down a couple of hundred foot and was drifting for the side wall + with indifferent success. We was working a day shift of six men, blasting, + hysting and a little timbering. I was in charge of the crew and eastern + capital was furnishing the ready John Davis, if you will allow me that low + term. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: LORENA JUMPING NINE FEET HIGH.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8305}.jpg" alt="{8305} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8305}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + “Lorena and me had been a little edgeways for several days, owing to + a little sassy remark made by her and a retort on my part in which I + thoughtlessly alluded to her brother, who was at that time serving out a + little term for life down at Canyon City, and who, if his life is spared, + is at it yet. If I wanted to make Lorena jump nine feet high and holler, + all I had to do was just to allude in a jeering way to her family record, + so she got madder and madder, till at last it ripened into open hostility, + and about noon on the 13th day of September Lorena attacked me with a + large butcher knife and drove me into the adjoining county. She told me, + also, that if I ever returned to Provost she would cut me in two right + between the pancreas and the watch pocket and feed me to the hens. + </p> + <p> + “I thought if she felt that way about it I would not return. I felt + so hurt and so grieved about it that I never stopped till I got to Omaha. + Then I heard how Lorena, as a means in the hands of Providence, had saved + my unprofitable life. + </p> + <p> + “When she got back to the house and had put away her butcher knife, + a man came rushing in to tell her that the boys had struck a big pay + streak of water, and that the whole crew in the Coopon was drowned, her + husband among the rest. + </p> + <p> + “Then it dawned on Lorena how she had saved me, and for the first + time in her life she burst into tears. People who saw her said her grief + was terrible. Tears are sad enough when shed by a man, but when we see a + strong woman bowed in grief, we shudder. + </p> + <p> + “No one who has never deserted his wife at her urgent request can + fully realize the pain and anguish it costs. I have been married many + times since, but the sensation is just the same to-day as it was the first + time I ever deserted my wife. + </p> + <p> + “As I said, though, a woman has a wonderful influence over a man's + whole life. If I had a chance to change the great social fabric any, + though, I should ask woman to be more thoughtful of her husband, and, if + possible, less severe. I would say to woman, be a man. Rise above these + petty little tyrannical ways. Instead of asking your husband what he does + with every cent you give him, learn to trust him. Teach him that you have + confidence in him. Make him think you have anyway, whether you have or + not. Do not seek to get a whiff of his breath every ten minutes to see + whether he has been drinking or not. If you keep doing that you will sock + him into a drunkard's grave, sure pop. He will at first lie about + it, then he will use disinfectants for the breath, and then he will stay + away till he gets over it. The timid young man says, 'Pass the + cloves, please. I've got to get ready to go home pretty soon.' + The man whose wife really has fun with him says, 'Well, boys, + good-night. I'm sorry for you.' Then he goes home. + </p> + <p> + “Very few men have had the opportunities for observation in a + matrimonial way that I have, William. You see, one man judges all the + wives in Christendom by his'n. Another does ditto, and so it goes. + But I have made matrimony a study. It has been a life-work for me. Others + have simply dabbled into it. I have studied all its phases and I am an + expert. So I say to you that woman, in one way or another, either by + strategy and winnin' ways or by main strength and awkwardness, is + absolutely sure to wield an all-fired influence over poor, weak man, and + while grass grows and water runs, pardner, you will always find her + presiding over man's destinies and his ducats.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0113" id="link2H_4_0113"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Causes for Thanksgiving. + </h2> + <p> + We are now rapidly approaching the date of our great national + thanksgiving. Another year has almost passed by on the wings of tireless + time. + </p> + <p> + Since last we gathered about the festive board and spattered the true + inwardness of the family gobbler over the table cloth, remorseless time, + who knows not the weight of weariness, has sought out the good, the true + and the beautiful, as well as the old, the sinful and the tough, and has + laid his heavy hand upon them. We have no more fitting illustration of the + great truth that death prefers the young and tender than the deceased + turkey upon which we are soon to operate. How still he lies, mowed down in + life's young morn to make a yankee holiday. + </p> + <p> + How changed he seems! Once so gay and festive, now so still, so strangely + quiet and reserved. How calmly he lies, with his bare limbs buried in the + lurid atmosphere like those of a hippytehop artist on the west side. + </p> + <p> + Soon the amateur carver will plunge the shining blade into the unresisting + bird, and the air will be filled with stuffing and half smothered + profanity. The Thanksgiving turkey is a grim humorist, and nothing pleases + him so well as to hide his joint in a new place and then flip over and + smile when the student misses it and buries the knife in the bosom of a + personal friend. Few men can retain their <i>sang froid</i> before company + when they have to get a step ladder and take down the second joint and the + merry thought from the chandelier while people are looking at them. + </p> + <p> + And what has the past year brought us? Speaking from a Republican + standpoint, it has brought us a large wad of dark blue gloom. Speaking + from a Democratic standpoint, it has been very prolific of fourth-class + postoffices worth from $200 down to $1.35 per annum. Politically, the past + year has been one of wonderful changes. Many have, during the year just + past, held office for the first time. Many, also, have gone out into the + cold world since last Thanksgiving and seriously considered the great + problem of how to invest a small amount of actual perspiration in plain + groceries. + </p> + <p> + Many who considered the life of a politician to be one of high priced food + and inglorious ease, have found, now that they have the fruit, that it is + ashes on their lips. + </p> + <p> + Our foreign relations have been mutually pleasant, and those who dwell + across the raging main, far removed from the refining influences of our + prohibitory laws, have still made many grand strides toward the + amelioration of our lost and undone race. Many foreigners who have never + experienced the pleasure of drinking mysterious beverages from gas + fixtures and burial caskets in Maine, or from a blind pig in Iowa, or a + Babcock fire extinguisher in Kansas, still enjoy life by bombarding the + Czar as he goes out after a scuttle of coal at night, or by putting a + surprise package of dynamite on the throne of a tottering dynasty, where + said tottering dynasty will have to sit down upon it and then pass rapidly + to another sphere of existence. + </p> + <p> + Many startling changes have taken place since last November. The political + fabric in our own land has assumed a different hue, and men who a year ago + were unnoticed and unknown are even more so now. This is indeed a healthy + sign. No matter what party or faction may be responsible for this, I say + in a wholly non-partisan spirit, that I am glad of it. + </p> + <p> + I am glad to notice that, owing to the active enforcement of the Edmunds + bill in Utah, polygamy has been made odorous. The day is not far distant + when Utah will be admitted as a State and her motto will be “one + country, one flag, and one wife at a time.” Then will peace and + prosperity unite to make the modern Zion the habitation of men. The old + style of hand-made valley tan will give place to a less harmful beverage, + and we will welcome the new sister in the great family circle of States, + not clothed in the disagreeable endowment robe, but dressed up in the + Mother Hubbard wrapper, with a surcingle around it, such as the goddess of + liberty wears when she has her picture taken. + </p> + <p> + Crops throughout the northwest have been fairly good, though the gain + yield has been less in quantity and inferior in quality to that of last + year. A Democratic administration has certainly frowned upon the + professional, partisan office seekers, but it has been unable to stay the + onward march of the chintz bug or to produce a perceptible falling off in + pip among the yellow-limbed fowls. While Jeffersonian purity and economy + have seemed to rage with great virulence at Washington, in the northwest + heaves and botts among horses and common, old-fashioned hollow horn among + cattle have been the prevailing complaints. + </p> + <p> + And yet there is much for which we should be thankful. Many broad-browed + men who knew how a good paper ought to be conducted, but who had no other + visible means of support, have passed on to another field of labor, + leaving the work almost solely in the hands of the vast army of novices + who at the present are at the head of journalism throughout the country, + and who sadly miss those timely words of caution that were wont to fall + from the lips of those men whose spirits are floating through space, + finding fault with the arrangement of the solar system. + </p> + <p> + The fool-killer, in the meantime, has not been idle. With his old, rusty, + unloaded musket, he has gathered in enough to make his old heart swell + with pride, and to this number he has added many by using “rough on + rats,” a preparation that never killed anything except those that + were unfortunate enough to belong to the human family. + </p> + <p> + Still the fool-killer has missed a good many on account of the great rush + of business in his line, and I presume that no one has a greater reason to + be thankful for this oversight than I have. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0114" id="link2H_4_0114"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Farming in Maine. + </h2> + <p> + The State of Maine is a good place in which to experiment with + prohibition, but it is not a good place to farm it in very largely. + </p> + <p> + In the first place, the season is generally a little reluctant. When I was + up near Moosehead Lake, a short time ago, people were driving across that + body of water on the ice with perfect impunity. That is one thing that + interferes with the farming business in Maine. If a young man is + sleigh-riding every night till midnight, he don't feel like hoeing + corn the following day. Any man who has ever had his feet frost-bitten + while bugging potatoes, will agree with me that it takes away the charm of + pastoral pursuits. It is this desire to amalgamate dog days and Santa + Claus, that has injured Maine as an agricultural hot-bed. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A DAY-DREAM.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8311}.jpg" alt="{8311} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8311}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Another reason that might be assigned for refraining from agricultural + pursuits in Maine, is that the agitator of the soil finds when it is too + late that soil itself, which is essential to the successful propagation of + crops, has not been in use in Maine for years. While all over the State + there is a magnificent stone foundation on which a farm might safely rest, + the superstructure, or farm proper, has not been secured. + </p> + <p> + If I had known when I passed through Minnesota and Illinois what a soil + famine there was in Maine, I would have brought some with me. The stone + crop this year in Maine will be very great. If they do not crack open + during the dry weather, there will be a great many. The stone bruise is + also looking unusually well for this season of the year, and chilblains + were in full bloom when I was there. + </p> + <p> + In the neighborhood of Pittsfield, the country seems to run largely to + cold water and chattel mortgages. Some think that rum has always kept + Maine back, but I claim that it has been wet feet. In another article I + refer to the matter of rum in Maine more fully. + </p> + <p> + The agricultural resources of Pittsfield and vicinity are not great, the + principal exports being spruce gum and Christmas trees. Here also the + huckleberry hath her home. But the country seems to run largely to + Christmas trees. They were not yet in bloom when I visited the State, so + it was too early to gather popcorn balls and Christmas presents. + </p> + <p> + Here, near Pittsfield, is the birthplace of the only original wormless + dried apple pie, with which we generally insult our gastric economy when + we lunch along the railroad. These pies, when properly kiln-dried and + rivetted, with German silver monogram on top, if fitted out with Yale time + lock, make the best fire and burglar-proof wormless pies of commerce. They + take the place of civil war, and as a promoter of intestine strife they + have no equal. + </p> + <p> + The farms in Maine are fenced in with stone walls. I do not know way this + is done, for I did not see anything on these farms that anyone would + naturally yearn to carry away with him. + </p> + <p> + I saw some sheep in one of these enclosures. Their steel-pointed bills + were lying on the wall near them, and they were resting their jaws in the + crisp, frosty morning air. In another enclosure a farmer was planting + clover seed with a hypodermic syringe, and covering it with a mustard + plaster. He said that last year his clover was a complete failure because + his mustard plasters were no good. He had tried to save money by using + second-hand mustard plasters, and of course the clover seed, missing the + warm stimulus, neglected to rally, and the crop was a failure. + </p> + <p> + Here may be noticed the canvas-back moose and a strong antipathy to good + rum. I do not wonder that the people of Maine are hostile to rum—if + they judge all rum by Maine rum. The moose is one of the most gamey of the + finny tribe. He is caught in the fall of the year with a double-barrel + shotgun and a pair of snow-shoes. He does not bite unless irritated, but + little boys should not go near the female moose while she is on her nest. + The masculine moose wears a harelip, and a hat rack on his head to which + is attached a placard on which is printed: + </p> + <p> + PLEASE KEEP OFF THE GRASS. + </p> + <p> + This shows that the moose is a humorist. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0115" id="link2H_4_0115"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Doosedly Dilatory. + </h2> + <p> + Since the investigation of Washington pension attorneys, it is a little + remarkable how scarce in the newspapers is the appearance of + advertisements like this. + </p> + <p> + Pensions! Thousands of soldiers of the late war are still entitled to + pensions with the large accumulations since the injury was received. We + procure pensions, back pay, allowances. Appear in the courts for + nonresident clients in United States land cases, etc. Address Skinnem + & Co., Washington, D.C. + </p> + <p> + I didn't participate in the late war, but I have had some experience + in putting a few friends and neighbors on the track of a pension. Those + who have tried it will remember some of the details. It always seemed to + me a little more difficult somehow for a man who had lost both legs at + Antietam, than for the man who got his nose pulled off at an election + three years after the war closed. It, of course, depended a good deal on + the extemporaneous affidavit qualifications of the applicant. About five + years ago an acquaintance came to me and said he wanted to get a pension + from the government, and that he hadn't the first idea about the + details. He didn't know whether he should apply to the President or + to the Secretary of State. Would I “kind of put him onto the racket.” + I asked him what he wanted a pension for, and he said his injury didn't + show much, but it prevented his pursuit of kopecks and happiness. He had + nine children by his first wife, and if he could get a pension he desired + to marry again. + </p> + <p> + As to the nature of his injuries, he said that at the battle of Fair Oaks + he supported his command by secreting himself behind a rail fence and + harassing the enemy from time to time, by a system of coldness and neglect + on his part. While thus employed in breaking the back of the Confederacy, + a solid shot struck a crooked rail on which he was sitting, in such a way + as to jar his spinal column. From this concussion he had never fully + recovered. He didn't notice it any more while sitting down and + quiet, but the moment he began to do manual labor or to stand on his feet + too long, unless he had a bar or something to lean up against, he felt the + cold chill run up his back and life was no object. + </p> + <p> + I told him that I was too busy to attend to it, and asked him why he didn't + put his case in the hands of some Washington attorney, who could be on the + ground and attend to it. He decided that he would, so he wrote to one of + these philanthropists whom we will call Fitznoodle. I give him the <i>nom + de plume</i> of Fitznoodle to nip a $20,000 libel suit in the bud. Well, + Fitznoodle sent back some blanks for the claimant to sign, by which he + bound himself, his heirs, executors, representatives and assigns, firmly + by these presents to pay to said Fitznoodle, the necessary fees for + postage, stationery, car fare, concert tickets, and office rent, while + said claim was in the hands of the pension department. He said in a letter + that he would have to ask for $2, please, to pay for postage. He inclosed + a circular in which he begged to refer the claimant to a reformed member + of the bar of the District of Columbia, a backslidden foreign minister and + three prominent men who had been dead eleven years by the watch. In a + postscript he again alluded to the $2 in a casual way, waved the American + flag two times, and begged leave to subscribe himself once more. “Yours + Fraternally and professionally, Good Samaritan Fitznoodle, Attorney at + Law, Solicitor in Chancery, and Promotor of Even-handed Justice in and for + the District of Columbia.” The claimant sent his $2, not necessarily + for publication, but as a guaranty of good faith. + </p> + <p> + Later on Mr. Fitznoodle said that the first step would be to file a + declaration enclosing $5 and the names of two witnesses who were present + when the claimant was born, and could identify him as the same man who + enlisted from Emporia in the Thirteenth Kansas Nighthawks. Five dollars + must be enclosed to defray the expenses of a trip to the office of the + commissioner of pensions, which trip would naturally take in eleven + saloons and ten cents in car fare. “P.S.—Attach to the + declaration the signature and seal of a notary public of pure character, + $5, the certificate of the clerk of a court of record as to the + genuineness of the signature of the notary public, his term of appointment + and $5.” These documents were sent, after which there was a lull of + about three months. Then the swelling in Mr. Fitznoodle's head had + gone down a little, but there was still a seal brown taste in his mouth. + So he wrote the claimant that it would be necessary to jog the memory of + the department about $3 dollars worth; and to file collateral testimony + setting forth that claimant was a native born American or that he had + declared his intention to become a citizen of the United States, that he + had not formed nor expressed an opinion for or against the accused, which + the testimony would not eradicate, that he would enclose $3, and that he + had never before applied for a pension. After awhile a circular from the + pension end of the department was received, stating that the claimant's + application had been received, filed and docketed No. 188,935,062-1/2, on + page 9,847 of book G, on the thumb-hand side as you come in on the New + York train. On the strength of this document the claimant went to the + grocery and bought an ecru-colored ham, a sack of corn meal and a pound of + tobacco. In June Mr. Fitznoodle sent a blank to be filled out by the + claimant, stating whether he had or had not been baptized prior to his + enlistment; and, if so, to what extent, and how he liked it so far as he + had gone. This was to be sworn to before two witnesses, who were to be + male, if possible, and if not, the department would insist on their being + female. These witnesses must swear that they had no interest in the said + claim, or anything else. On receipt of this, together with $5 in + postoffice money order or New York draft, the document would be filed and, + no doubt, acted upon at once. In July, a note came from the attorney + saying that he regretted to write that the pension department was now + 250,000 claims behind, and if business was taken up in its regular order, + the claim under discussion might not be reached for between nine and ten + years. However, it would be possible to “expedite” the claim, + if $25 could be remitted for the purpose of buying a spike-tail coat and + plug hat, in which to appear before the commissioner of pensions and mash + him flat on the shape of the attorney. As the claimant didn't know + much of the practical working of the machinery of government, he swallowed + this pill and remitted the $25. Here followed a good deal of red tape and + international monkeying during which the claimant was alternately taking + an oath to support the constitution of the United States, and promising to + support the constitution and by-laws of Mr. Fitznoodle. The claimant was + constantly assured that his claim was a good one and on these autograph + letters written with a type-writer, the war-born veteran with a concussed + vertebra bought groceries and secured the funds to pay his assessments. + </p> + <p> + For a number of years I heard nothing of the claim, but a few months ago, + when Mr. Fitznoodle was arrested and jerked into the presence of the grand + jury, a Washington friend wrote me that the officers found in his table a + letter addressed to the man who was jarred in the rear of the Union army, + and in which (the letter, I mean), he alluded to the long and pleasant + correspondence which had sprung up between them as lawyer and client, and + regretting that, as the claim would soon be allowed, their friendly + relations would no doubt cease, would he please forward $13 to pay freight + on the pension money, and also a lock of his hair that Mr. Fitznoodle + could weave into a watchchain and wear always. As the claimant does not + need the papers, he probably thinks by this time that Mr. Good Samaritan + Fitznoodle has been kidnapped and thrown into the moaning, hungry sea. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0116" id="link2H_4_0116"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Every Man His Own Paper-Hanger. + </h2> + <p> + It would please me very much, at no distant day, to issue a small book + filled with choice recipes and directions for making home happy. I have + accumulated an immense assortment of these things, all of general use and + all excellent in their way, because they have been printed in papers all + over the country—papers that would not be wrong. Some of these + recipes I have tried. + </p> + <p> + I have tried the recipe for paste and directions for applying wall paper, + as published recently in an agricultural paper to which I had become very + much attached. + </p> + <p> + This recipe had all the characteristics of an ingenuous and honest + document. I cut it out of the paper and filed it away where I came very + near not finding it again. But I was unfortunate enough to find it after a + long search. + </p> + <p> + The scheme was to prepare a flour paste that would hold forever, and at + the same time make the paper look smooth and neat to the casual observer. + It consisted of so many parts flour, so many parts hot water and so many + parts common glue. First, the walls were to be sized, however. I took a + common tape measure and sized the walls. + </p> + <p> + Then I put a dishpan on the cook stove, poured in the flour, boiling water + and glue. This rapidly produced a dark brown mess of dough, to which I was + obliged to add more hot water. It looked extremely repulsive to me, but it + looked a good deal better than it smelled. + </p> + <p> + I did not have much faith in it, but I thought I would try it. I put some + of it on a long strip of wall paper and got up on a chair to apply it. In + the excitement of trying to stick it on the wall as nearly perpendicular + as possible, I lost my balance while still holding the paper and fell in + such a manner as to wrap four yards of bronze paper and common flour paste + around my wife's head, with the exception of about four feet of the + paper which I applied to an oil painting of a Gordon Setter in a gilt + frame. + </p> + <p> + I decline to detail the dialogue which then took place between my wife and + myself. Whatever claim the public may have on me, it has no right to + demand this. It will continue to remain sacred. That is, not so very + sacred of course, if I remember my exact language at the time, but + sacredly secret from the prying eyes of the public. + </p> + <p> + It is singular, but it is none the less the never dying truth, that the + only time that paste ever stuck anything at all, was when I applied it to + my wife and that picture. After that it did everything but adhere. It + gourmed and it gummed everything, but that was all. + </p> + <p> + The man who wrote the recipe may have been stuck on it, but nothing else + ever was. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: I LOST MY BALANCE.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9318}.jpg" alt="{9318}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9318}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Finally a friend came along who helped me pick the paper off the dog and + soothe my wife. He said that what this paste needed was more glue and a + quart of molasses. I added these ingredients, and constructed a quart of + chemical molasses which looked like crude ginger bread in a molten state. + </p> + <p> + Then, with the aid of my friend, I proceeded to paper the room. The paper + would seem to adhere at times, and then it would refrain from adhering. + This was annoying, but we succeeded in applying the paper to the walls in + a way that showed we were perfectly sincere about it. We didn't seek + to mislead anybody or cover up anything. Any one could see where each roll + of paper tried to be amicable with its neighbor—also where we had + tried the laying on of hands in applying the paper. + </p> + <p> + We got all the paper on in good shape—also the bronze. But they were + in different places. The paper was on the walls, but the bronze was mostly + on our clothes and on our hands. I was very tired when I got through, and + I went to bed early, hoping to get much needed rest. In the morning, when + I felt fresh and rested, I thought that the paper would look better to me. + </p> + <p> + There is where I fooled myself. It did not look better to me. It looked + worse. + </p> + <p> + All night long I could occasionally hear something crack like a Fourth of + July. I did not know at the time what it was, but in the morning I + discovered. + </p> + <p> + It seems that, during the night, that paper had wrinkled itself up like + the skin on the neck of a pioneer hen after death. It had pulled itself + together with so much zeal that the room was six inches smaller each way + and the carpet didn't fit. + </p> + <p> + There is only one way to insure success in the publication of recipes. + They must be tried by the editor himself before they are printed. If you + have a good recipe for paste, you must try it before you print it. If you + have a good remedy for botts, you must get a botty horse somewhere and try + the remedy before you submit it. If you think of publishing the antidote + for a certain poison, you should poison some one and try the antidote on + him, in order to test it, before you bamboozle the readers of your paper. + </p> + <p> + This, of course, will add a good deal of extra work for the editor, but + editors need more work. All they do now is to have fun with each other, + draw their princely salaries, and speak sarcastically of the young poet + who sings, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “You have came far o'er the sea, + And I've went away from thee.” + </pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0117" id="link2H_4_0117"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Sixty Minutes in America. + </h2> + <p> + The following selections are from the advance sheets of a forthcoming work + with the above title, to be published by M. Foll de Roll. It is possible + that other excerpts will be made from the book, in case the present + harmonious state of affairs between France and America is not destroyed by + my style of translation. + </p> + <p> + In the preface M. Foll de Roll says: “France has long required a + book of printed writings about that large, wide land of whom we listen to + so much and yet so little <i>sabe</i>, as the piquant Californian shall + say. America is considerable. America I shall call vast. She care nothing + how high freedom shall come, she must secure him. She exclaims to all + people: 'You like freedom pretty well, but you know nothing of it. + We throw away every day more freedom than you shall see all your life. + Come to this place when you shall run out of freedom. We make it. Do not + ask us for money, but if you want personal liberty, please look over our + vast stock before you elsewhere go.' + </p> + <p> + “So everybody goes to America, where he shall be free to pay cash + for what the American has for sale. + </p> + <p> + “In this book will be found everything that the French people want + to know of that singular land, for did I not cross it from New Jersey + City, the town where all the New York people have to go to get upon the + cars, through to the town of San Francisco? + </p> + <p> + “For years the writer of this book has had it in his mind to go + across America, and then tell the people of France, in a small volume + costing one franc, all about the grotesque land of the freedom bird.” + </p> + <p> + In the opening chapter he alludes to New York casually, and apologizes for + taking up so much space. + </p> + <p> + “When you shall land in New York, you shall feel a strange + sensation. The stomach is not so what we should call 'Rise up + William Riley,' to use an Americanism which will not bear + translation. I ride along the Rue de Twenty-three, and want to eat + everything my eyes shall fall upon. + </p> + <p> + “I stay at New York all night, and eat one large supper at 6 o'clock, + and again at 9. At 12 I awake and eat the inside of my hektograph, and + then lie down once more to sleep. The hektograph will be henceforth, as + the American shall say, no good, but what is that when a man is starving + in a foreign land? + </p> + <p> + “I leave New York in the morning on the Ferry de Pavonia, a steamer + that goes to New Jersey City. Many people go to New York to buy food and + clothes. Then you shall see them return to the woods, where they live the + rest of the time. Some of the females are quite <i>petite</i> and, as the + Americans have it, 'scrumptious.' One stout girl at New Jersey + City, I was told, was 'all wool and a yard wide.' + </p> + <p> + “The relations between New York and New Jersey City are quite + amicable, and the inhabitants seem to spend much of their time riding to + and fro on the Ferry de Pavonia and other steamers. When I talked to them + in their own language they would laugh with great glee, and say they could + not parley voo Norwegian very good. + </p> + <p> + “The Americans are very fond of witnessing what may be called the <i>tournament + de slug</i>. In this, two men wearing upholstered mittens shake hands, and + then one strikes at the other with his right hand, so as to mislead him, + and, while he is taking care of that, the first man hits him with his left + and knocks out some of his teeth. Then the other man spits out his loose + teeth and hits his antagonist on the nose, or feeds him with the thumb of + his upholstered mitten for some time. Half the gate money goes to the + hospital where these men are in the habit of being repaired. + </p> + <p> + “One of these men, who is now the champion scrapper, as one American + author has it, was once a poor boy, but he was proud and ambitious. So he + practiced on his wife evenings, after she had washed the dishes, until he + found that he could 'knock her out,' as the American has it. + Then he tried it on other relatives, and step by step advanced till he + could make almost any man in America cough up pieces of this upholstered + mitten which he wears in public. + </p> + <p> + “In closing this chapter on New York, I may say that I have not said + so much of the city itself as I would like, but enough so that he who + reads with care may feel somewhat familiar with it. New York is situated + on the east side of America, near New Jersey City. The climate is cool and + frosty a part of the year, but warm and temperate in the summer months. + The surface is generally level, but some of the houses are quite tall. + </p> + <p> + “I would not advise Frenchmen to go to New York now, but rather to + wait until the pedestal of M. Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty has been + paid for. Many foreigners have already been earnestly permitted to help + pay for this pedestal.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0118" id="link2H_4_0118"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Rev. Mr. Hallelujah's Hoss. + </h2> + <p> + There are a good many difficult things to ride, I find, beside the bicycle + and the bucking Mexican plug. Those who have tried to mount and + successfully ride a wheelbarrow in the darkness of the stilly night will + agree with me. + </p> + <p> + You come on a wheelbarrow suddenly when it is in a brown study, and you + undertake to straddle it, so to speak, and all at once you find the + wheelbarrow on top. I may say, I think, safely, that the wheelbarrow is, + as a rule, phlegmatic and cool; but when a total stranger startles it, it + spreads desolation and destruction on every hand. + </p> + <p> + This is also true of the perambulator, or baby-carriage. I undertook to + evade a child's phaeton, three years ago last spring, as it stood in + the entrance to a hall in Main street. The child was not injured, because + it was not in the carriage at the time; but I was not so fortunate. I + pulled pieces of perambulator out of myself for two weeks with the hand + that was not disabled. + </p> + <p> + How a sedentary man could fall through a child's carriage in such a + manner as to stab himself with the awning and knock every spoke out of + three wheels, is still a mystery to me, but I did it. I can show you the + doctor's bill now. + </p> + <p> + The other day, however, I discovered a new style of riding animal. The + Rev. Mr. Hallelujah was at the depot when I arrived, and was evidently + waiting for the same Chicago train that I was in search of. Rev. Mr. + Hallelujah had put his valise down near an ordinary baggage-truck which + leaned up against the wall of the station building. + </p> + <p> + He strolled along the platform a few moments, communing with himself and + agitating his mind over the subject of Divine Retribution, and then he + went up and leaned against the truck. Finally, he somehow got his arms + under the handles of the truck as it stood up between his back and the + wall. He still continued to think of the plan of Divine Retribution, and + you could have seen his lips move if you had been there. + </p> + <p> + Pretty soon some young ladies came along, rosy in winter air, beautiful + beyond compare, frosty crystals in their hair; smiled they on the preacher + there. + </p> + <p> + He returned the smile and bowed low. As he did so, as near as I can figure + it out, he stepped back on the iron edge of the truck that the baggageman + generally jabs under the rim of an iron-bound sample-trunk when he goes to + load it. Anyhow, Mr. Hallelujah's feet flew toward next spring. The + truck started across the platform with him and spilled him over the edge + on the track ten feet below. So rapid was the movement that the eye with + difficulty followed his evolutions. His valise was carried onward by the + same wild avalanche, and “busted” open before it struck the + track below. + </p> + <p> + I was surprised to see some of the articles that shot forth into the broad + light of day. Among the rest there was a bran fired new set of ready-made + teeth, to be used in case of accident. Up to that moment I didn't + know that Mr. Hallelujah used the common tooth of commerce. These teeth + slipped out of the valise with a Sabbath smile and vulcanized rubber gums. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A RAPID MOVEMENT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9324}.jpg" alt="{9324}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9324}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + In striking the iron track below, the every-day set which the Rev. Mr. + Hallelujah had in use became loosened, and smiled across the road-bed and + right of way at the bran fired new array of incisors, cuspids, bi-cuspids + and molars that flew out of the valise. Mr. Hallelujah got up and tried to + look merry, but he could not smile without his teeth. The back seams of + his Newmarket coat were more successful, however. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Hallelujah's wardrobe and a small boy were the only objects that + dared to smile. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0119" id="link2H_4_0119"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Somnambulism and Crime. + </h2> + <p> + A recent article in the London <i>Post</i> on the subject of somnambulism, + calls to my mind several little incidents with somnambulistic tendencies + in my own experience. + </p> + <p> + This subject has, indeed, attracted my attention for some years, and it + has afforded me great pleasure to investigate it carefully. + </p> + <p> + Regarding the causes of dreams and somnambulism, there are many theories, + all of which are more or less untenable. My own idea, given, of course, in + a plain, crude way, is that thoughts originate on the inside of the brain + and then go at once to the surface, where they have their photographs + taken, with the understanding that the negatives are to be preserved. In + this way the thought may afterward be duplicated back to the thinker in + the form of a dream, and, if the impulse be strong enough, muscular action + and somnambulism may result. + </p> + <p> + On the banks of Bitter Creek, some years ago, lived an open-mouthed man, + who had risen from affluence by his unaided effort until he was entirely + free from any incumbrance in the way of property. His mind dwelt on this + matter a great deal during the day. Thoughts of manual labor flitted + through his mind, but were cast aside as impracticable. Then other means + of acquiring property suggested themselves. These thoughts were + photographed on the delicate negative of the brain, where it is a rule to + preserve all negatives. At night these thoughts were reversed within the + think resort, if I may be allowed that term, and muscular action resulted. + Yielding at last to the great desire for possessions and property the + somnambulist groped his way to the corral of a total stranger, and + selecting a choice mule with great dewy eyes and real camel's hair + tail, he fled. On and on he pressed, toward the dark, uncertain west, till + at last rosy morn clomb the low, outlying hills and gilded the gray + outlines of the sage-brush. The coyote slunk back to his home, but the + somnambulist did not. + </p> + <p> + He awoke as day dawned, and, when he found himself astride the mule of + another, a slight shudder passed the entire length of his frame. He then + fully realized that he had made his debut as a somnambulist. He seemed to + think that he who starts out to be a somnambulist should never turn back. + So he pressed on, while the red sun stepped out into the awful quiet of + the dusty waste and gradually moved up into the sky, and slowly added + another day to those already filed away in the dark maw of ages. + </p> + <p> + Night came again at last, and with it other somnambulists similar to the + first, only that they were riding on their own beasts. Some somnambulists + ride their own animals, while others are content to bestride the steeds of + strangers. + </p> + <p> + The man on the anonymous mule halted at last at the mouth of a deep canon. + He did so at the request of other somnambulists. Mechanically he got down + from the back of the mule and stood under a stunted mountain pine. + </p> + <p> + After awhile he began to ascend the tree by means of his neck. When he had + reached the lower branch of the tree he made a few gestures with his feet + by a lateral movement of the legs. He made several ineffectual efforts to + kick some pieces out of the horizon, and then, after he had gently + oscilliated a few times, he assumed a pendent and perpendicular position + at right angles with the limb of the tree. + </p> + <p> + The other somnambulists then took the mule safely back to his corral, and + the tragedy of a night was over. + </p> + <p> + The London <i>Post</i> very truly says that where somnambulism can be + proved it is a good defense in a criminal action. It was so held in this + case. + </p> + <p> + Various methods are suggested for rousing the somnambulist, such as + tickling the feet, for instance; but in all my own experience, I never + knew of a more radical or permanent cure than the one so imperfectly given + above. It might do in some cases to tickle the feet of a somnambulist + discovered in the act of riding away on an anonymous mule, but how could + you successfully tickle the soles of his feet while he is standing on + them? In such cases, the only true way would be to suspend the + somnambulist in such a way as to give free access to the feet from below, + and, at the same time, give him a good, wide horizon to kick at. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0120" id="link2H_4_0120"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Modern Architecture. + </h2> + <p> + It may be premature, perhaps, but I desire to suggest to anyone who may be + contemplating the erection of a summer residence for me, as a slight + testimonial of his high regard for my sterling worth and symmetrical + escutcheon—a testimonial more suggestive of earnest admiration and + warm personal friendship than of great intrinsic value, etc., etc., etc., + that I hope he will not construct it on the modern plan of mental + hallucination and morbid delirium tremens peculiar to recent architecture. + </p> + <p> + Of course, a man ought not to look a gift house in the gable end, but if + my friends don't know me any better than to build me a summer + cottage and throw in odd windows that nobody else wanted, and then daub it + up with colors they have bought at auction and applied to the house after + dark with a shotgun, I think it is time that we had a better + understanding. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE ARCHITECT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9327}.jpg" alt="{9327}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9327}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Such a structure does not come within either of the three classes of + renaissance. It is neither Florentine, Roman, or Venetian. Any man can + originate such a style if he will only drink the right kind of whiskey + long enough and then describe the feelings to an amanuensis. + </p> + <p> + Imagine the sensation that one of these modern, sawed-off cottages would + create a hundred years from now, if it should survive! But that is + impossible. The only cheering feature of the whole matter is that these + creatures of a disordered imagination must soon pass away, and the bright + sunlight of hard horse sense shine in through the shattered dormers and + gables and gnawed-off architecture of the average summer resort. + </p> + <p> + A friend of mine a few days ago showed me his new house with much pride. + He asked me what I thought of it. I told him I liked it first-rate. Then I + went home and wept all night. It was my first falsehood. + </p> + <p> + The house, taken as a whole, looked to me like a skating rink that had + started out to make money, and then suddenly changed its mind and resolved + to become a tannery. Then ten feet higher it lost all self-respect and + blossomed into a full-blown drunk and disorderly, surrounded by the + smokestack of a foundry and the bright future of thirty days ahead with + the chain gang. That's the way it looked to me. + </p> + <p> + The roofs were made of little odds and ends of misfit rafters and + distorted shingles that somebody had purchased at a sheriff's sale, + and the rooms and stairs were giddy in the extreme. + </p> + <p> + I went in and rambled around among the cross-eyed staircases and other + night-mares till reason tottered on her throne. Then I came out and stood + on the architectural wart, called the side porch, to get fresh air. This + porch was painted a dull red, and it had wooden rosettes at the corners + that looked like a new carbuncle on the nose of a social wreck. + </p> + <p> + Farther up on the demoralized lumber pile I saw, now and then, places + where the workman's mind had wandered and he had nailed on his + clapboards wrong side up, and then painted them with Paris green that he + had intended to use on something else. + </p> + <p> + It was an odd looking structure, indeed. If my friend got all the material + for nothing from people who had fragments of paint and lumber left over + after they failed, and then if the workmen constructed it of night for + mental relaxation and intellectual repose, without charge, of course the + scheme was a financial success, but architecturally the house is a gross + violation of the statutes in such cases made and provided, and against the + peace and dignity of the State. + </p> + <p> + There is a look of extreme poverty about the structure which a man might + struggle for years to acquire and then fail. No one could look upon it + without a feeling of heartache for the man who built that house, and + probably struggled on year after year, building a little at a time as he + could steal the lumber, getting a new workman each year, building a knob + here and a protuberance there, putting in a three-cornered window at one + point and a yellow tile or a wad of broken glass and other debris at + another, patiently filling in around the ranch with any old rubbish that + other people had got through with, painting it as he went along, taking + what was left in the bottom of the pots after his neighbors had painted + their bob-sleds or their tree boxes—little favors thankfully + received—and then surmounting the whole pile with a potpourri of + roof, and grand farewell incubus of humps and hollows for the rain to + wander through and seek out the different cells where the lunatics live + who inhabit it. + </p> + <p> + I did tell my friend one thing that I thought would improve the looks of + his house. He asked me eagerly what it could be. I said it would take a + man of great courage to do it for him. He said he didn't care for + that. He would do it himself. If it only needed one thing he would never + rest till he had it, whatever that might be. + </p> + <p> + Then I told him that if he had a friend—one he could trust—who + would steal in there some night while the family were away, and scratch a + match on the leg of his breeches, or on the breeches of any other + gentleman who happened to be present, and hold it where it would ignite + the alleged house, and then remain near there to see that the fire + department did not meddle with it, he would confer a great favor on one + who would cheerfully retaliate in kind on call. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0121" id="link2H_4_0121"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Letter to a Communist. + </h2> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9330}.jpg" alt="{9330}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9330}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Dear Sir.—Your courteous letter of the 1st instant, in which you + cordially consent to share my wealth and dwell together with me in + fraternal sunshine, is duly received. While I dislike to appear cold and + distant to one who seems so yearnful and so clinging, and while I do not + wish to be regarded as purse-proud or arrogant, I must decline your kind + offer to whack up. You had not heard, very likely, that I am not now a + Communist. I used to be, I admit, and the society no doubt neglected to + strike my name off the roll of active members. For a number of years I was + quite active as a Communist. I would have been more active, but I had + conscientious scruples against being active in anything then. + </p> + <p> + While you may be perfectly sincere in your belief that the great + capitalists like Mr. Gould and Mr. Vanderbilt should divide with you, you + will have great difficulty in making it perfectly clear to them. They will + probably demur and delay, and hem and haw, and procrastinate, till finally + they will get out of it in some way. Still, I do not wish to throw cold + water on your enterprise. If the other capitalists look favorably on the + plan, I will cheerfully co-operate with them. You go and see what you can + do with Mr. Vanderbilt, and then come to me. + </p> + <p> + You go on at some length to tell me how the most of the wealth is in the + hands of a few men, and then you attack those men and refer to them in a + way that makes my blood run cold. You tell the millionaires of America to + beware, for the hot breath of a bloody-handed Nemesis is already in the + air. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PRACTICAL COMMUNISM.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0331}.jpg" alt="{0331}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0331}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + You may say to Nemesis, if you please, that I have a double-barreled + shotgun standing at the head of my bed every night, and that I am in the + Nemesis business. You also refer to the fact that the sleuth-hounds of + eternal justice are camped on the trail of the pampered millionaire, and + you ask us to avaunt. If you see the other sleuth-hounds of your society + within a week or two, I wish you would say to them that at a regular + meeting of the millionaires of this country, after the minutes of the + previous meeting had been read and approved, we voted almost unanimously + to discourage any sleuth-hound that we found camped on our trail after ten + o'clock, P.M. Sleuth-hounds who want to ramble over our trails + during office hours may do so with the utmost impunity, but after ten o'clock + we want to use our trails for other purposes. No man wants to go to the + great expense of maintaining a trail winter and summer, and then leave it + out nights for other people to use and return it when they get ready. + </p> + <p> + I do not censure you, however. If you could convince every one of the + utility of Communism, it would certainly be a great boon—to you. To + those who are now engaged in feeding themselves with flat beer out of a + tomato can, such a change as you suggest would fall like a ray of sunshine + in a rat-hole, but alas! it may never be. I tried it awhile, but my + efforts were futile. The effect of my great struggle seemed to be that men's + hearts grew more and more stony, and my pantaloons got thinner and thinner + on the seat, 'till it seemed to me that the world never was so cold. + Then I made some experiments in manual labor. As I began to work harder + and sit down less, I found that the world was not so cold. It was only + when I sat down a long time that I felt how cold and rough the world + really was. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps it is so with you. Sedentary habits and stale beer are apt to make + us morbid. Sitting on the stone door sills of hallways and public + buildings during cold weather is apt to give you an erroneous impression + of life. + </p> + <p> + Of course I am willing to put my money into a common fund if I can be + convinced that it is best. I was an inside passenger on a Leadville coach + some years ago, when a few of your friends suggested that we all put our + money into a common fund, and I was almost the first one to see that they + were right. They went away into the mountains to apportion the money they + got from our party, but I never got any dividend. Probably they lost my + post-office address. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0122" id="link2H_4_0122"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Warrior's Oration. + </h2> + <p> + Warriors! We are met here to-day to celebrate the white man's Fourth + of July. I do not know what the Fourth of July has done for us that we + should remember his birthday, but it matters not. Another summer is on the + wane, and so are we. We are the walleyed waners from Wanetown. We have + monopolized the wane business of the whole world. + </p> + <p> + Autumn is almost here, and we have not yet gone upon the war path. The + pale face came among us with the corn planter and the Desert Land Act, and + we bow before him. + </p> + <p> + What does the Fourth of July signify to us? It is a hollow mockery! Where + the flag of the white man now waves in the breeze, a few years ago the + scalp of our foe was hanging in the air. Now my people are seldom. Some + are dead and others drunk. + </p> + <p> + Once we chased the deer and the buffalo across the plains, and lived high. + Now we eat the condemned corned beef of the oppressor, and weep over the + graves of our fallen braves. A few more moons and I, too, shall cross over + to the Happy Reservation. + </p> + <p> + Once I could whoop a couple of times and fill the gulch with warlike + athletes. Now I may whoop till the cows come home and only my sickly howl + comes back to me from the hillsides. I am as lonely as the greenback + party. I haven't warriors enough to carry one precinct. + </p> + <p> + Where are the proud chieftains of my tribe? Where are Old Weasel Asleep + and Orlando the Hie Jacet Promoter? Where are Prickly Ash Berry and The + Avenging Wart? Where are The Roman-nosed Pelican and Goggle-eyed Aleck, + The-man-who-rides-the-blizzard-bareback? + </p> + <p> + They are extremely gone. They are extensively whence. Ole Blackhawk, in + whose veins flows the blood of many chiefs, is sawing wood for the Belle + of the West deadfall for the whiskey. He once rode the war pony into the + fray and buried his tomahawk in the phrenology of his foe. Now he + straddles the saw-buck and yanks the woodsaw athwart the bosom of the + basswood chunk. + </p> + <p> + My people once owned this broad land; but the Pilgrim Fathers (where are + they?) came and planted the baked bean and the dried apple, and my tribe + vamoosed. Once we were a nation. Now we are the tin can tied to the + American eagle. + </p> + <p> + Warriors! This should be a day of jubilee, but how can the man rejoice who + has a boil on his nose? How can the chief of a once proud people shoot + firecrackers and dance over the graves of his race? How can I be hilarious + with the victor, on whose hands are the blood of my children? + </p> + <p> + If we had known more of the white man, we would have made it red hot for + him four hundred years ago when he came to our coast. We fed him and + clothed him as a white-skinned curiosity then, but we didn't know + there were so many of him. All he wanted then was a little smoking tobacco + and love. Now he feeds us on antique pork, and borrows our annuities to + build a Queen Anne wigwam with a furnace in the bottom and a piano in the + top. + </p> + <p> + Warriors! My words are few. Tears are idle and unavailing. If I had + scalding tears enough for a mill site, I would not shed a blamed one. The + warrior suffers, but he never squeals. He accepts the position and says + nothing. He wraps his royal horse blanket around his Gothic bones and is + silent. + </p> + <p> + But the pale face cannot tickle us with a barley straw on the Fourth of + July and make us laugh. You can kill the red man, but you cannot make him + hilarious over his own funeral. These are the words of truth, and my + warriors will do well to paste them in their plug hats for future + reference. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0123" id="link2H_4_0123"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Holy Terror. + </h2> + <p> + While in New England trying in my poor, weak way to represent the “rowdy + west,” I met a sad young man who asked me if I lived in Chi-eene. I + told him that if he referred to Cheyenne, I had been there off and on a + good deal. + </p> + <p> + He said he was there not long ago, but did not remain. He bought some + clothes in Chicago, so that he could appear in Chi-eene as a “holy + terror” when he landed there, and thus in a whole town of “holy + terrors” he would not attract attention. + </p> + <p> + I am not, said he, by birth or instinct, a holy terror, but I thought I + would like to try it a little while, anyhow. I got one of those Chicago + sombreros with a gilt fried cake twisted around it for a band. Then I got + a yellow silk handkerchief on the ten cent counter to tie around my neck. + Then I got a suit of smoke-tanned buckskin clothes and a pair of + moccasins. I had never seen a bad, bad man from Chi-eene, but I had seen + pictures of them and they all wore moccasins. The money that I had left I + put into a large revolver and a butcher knife with a red Morocco sheath to + it. The revolver was too heavy for me to hold in one hand and shoot, but + by resting it on a fence I could kill a cow easy enough if she wasn't + too blamed restless. + </p> + <p> + I went out to the stock yards in Chicago one afternoon and practiced with + my revolver. One of my thumbs is out there at the stock yards now. + </p> + <p> + At Omaha I put on my new suit and sent my human clothes home to my father. + He told me when I came away that when I got out to Wyoming, probably I + wouldn't want to attract attention by wearing clothes, and so I + could send my clothes back to him and he would be glad to have them. + </p> + <p> + At Sidney I put on my revolver and went into the eating house to get my + dinner. A tall man met me at the door and threw me about forty feet in an + oblique manner. I asked him if he meant anything personal by that and he + said not at all, not at all. I then asked him if he would not allow me to + eat my dinner and he said that depended on what I wanted for my dinner. If + I would lay down my arms and come back to the reservation and remain + neutral to the Government and eat cooked food, it would be all right, but + if I insisted on eating raw dining-room girls and scalloped young ladies, + he would bar me out. + </p> + <p> + We landed at Chi-eene in the evening. They had hacks and 'busses and + carriages till you couldn't rest, all standing there at the depot, + and a large colored man in a loud tone of voice remarked: “INTEROCEAN + HO-TEL!!!!” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A REAL COWBOY.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0336}.jpg" alt="{0336}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0336}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I went there myself. It had doors and windows to it, and carpets and gas. + The young man who showed me to my room was very polite to me. He seemed to + want to get acquainted. He said: + </p> + <p> + “You are from New Hampshire, are you not?” + </p> + <p> + I told him not to give it away, but I was from New Hampshire. Then I asked + him how he knew. + </p> + <p> + He said that several New Hampshire people had been out there that summer, + and they had worn the same style of revolver and generally had one thumb + done up in a rag. Then he said that if I came from New Hampshire he would + show me how to turn off the gas. + </p> + <p> + He also took my revolver down to the office with him and put it in the + safe, because he said someone might get into my room in the night and kill + me with it if he left it here. He was a perfect gentleman. + </p> + <p> + They have a big opera house there in Chi-eene, and while I was there they + had the Eyetalian opera singers, Patty and Nevady there. The streets were + lit up with electricity, and people seemed to kind of politely look down + on me, I thought. Still, they acted as if they tried not to notice my + clothes and dime museum hat. + </p> + <p> + They seemed to look at me as if I wasn't to blame for it, and as if + they felt sorry for me. If I'd had my United States clothes with me, + I could have had a good deal of fun in Chi-eene, going to the opera and + the lectures, and concerts, et cetera. But finally I decided to return, so + I wrote to my parents how I had been knocked down and garroted, and left + for dead with one thumb shot off, and they gladly sent the money to pay + funeral expenses. + </p> + <p> + With this I got a cut-rate ticket home and surprised and horrified my + parents by dropping in on them one morning just after prayers. I tried to + get there prior to prayers, but was side-tracked by my father's new + anti-tramp bull dog. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0124" id="link2H_4_0124"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Boston Common and Environs. + </h2> + <p> + Strolling through the Public Garden and the famous Boston Common, the + untutored savage from the raw and unpolished West is awed and his wild + spirit tamed by the magnificent harmony of nature and art. Everywhere the + eye rests upon all that is beautiful in nature, while art has heightened + the pleasing effect without having introduced the artistic jim-jams of a + lost and undone world. + </p> + <p> + It is a delightful place through which to stroll in the gray morning while + the early worm is getting his just desserts. There, in the midst of a + great city, with the hum of industry and the low rumble of the throbbing + Boston brain dimly heard in the distance, nature asserts herself, and the + weary, sad-eyed stranger may ramble for hours and keep off the grass to + his heart's content. + </p> + <p> + Nearly every foot of Boston Common is hallowed by some historical + incident. It is filled with reminiscences of a time when liberty was not + overdone in this new world, and the tyrant's heel was resting calmly + on the neck of our forefathers. + </p> + <p> + In the winter of 1775-6, over 110 years ago, as the ready mathematician + will perceive, 1,700 redcoats swarmed over Boston Common. Later on the + local antipathy to these tourists became so great that they went away. + They are still fled. A few of their descendants were there when I visited + the Common, but they seemed amicable and did not wear red coats. Their + coats this season are made of a large check, with sleeves in it. Their + wardrobe generally stands a larger check than their bank account. + </p> + <p> + The fountains in the Common and the Public Garden attract the eye of the + stranger, some of them being very beautiful. The Brewer fountain on + Flagstaff hill, presented to the city by the late Gardner Brewer, is very + handsome. It was cast in Paris, and is a bronze copy of a fountain + designed by Lienard of that city. At the base there are figures + representing Neptune with his fabled pickerel stabber, life size; also + Amphitrite, Acis and Galatea. Surviving relatives of these parties may + well feel pleased and gratified over the life-like expression which, the + sculptor has so faithfully reproduced. + </p> + <p> + But the Coggswell fountain is probably the most eccentric squirt, and one + which at once rivets the eye of the beholder. I do not know who designed + it, but am told that it was modeled by a young man who attended the + codfish autopsy at the market daytimes and gave his nights to art. + </p> + <p> + The fountain proper consists of two metallic bullheads rampart. They stand + on their bosoms, with their tails tied together at the top. Their mouths + are abnormally distended, and the water gushes forth from their tonsils in + a beautiful stream. + </p> + <p> + The pose of these classical codfish or bullheads is sublime. In the + spirited Graeco-Roman tussle which they seem to be having, with their + tails abnormally elevated in their artistic catch-as-catch-can or can-can + scuffle, the designer has certainly hit upon a unique and beautiful + impossibility. + </p> + <p> + Each bullhead also has a tin dipper chained to his gills, and through the + live-long day, till far into the night, he invites the cosmopolitan tramp + to come and quench his never-dying thirst. + </p> + <p> + The frog pond is another celebrated watering place. I saw it in the early + part of May, and if there had been any water in it, it would have been a + fine sight. Nothing contributes to the success of a pond like water. + </p> + <p> + I ventured to say to a Boston man that I was a little surprised to find a + little frog pond containing neither frogs or pond, but he said I would + find it all right if I would call around during office hours. + </p> + <p> + While sitting on one of the many seats which may be found on the Common + one morning, I formed the acquaintance of a pale young man, who asked me + if I resided in Boston. I told him that while I felt flattered to think + that I could possibly fool anyone, I must admit that I was only a pilgrim + and a stranger. + </p> + <p> + He said that he was an old resident, and he had often noticed that the + people of the Hub always Spoke to a Felloe till he was tired. I afterward + learned that he was not an actual resident of Boston, but had just + completed his junior year at the State asylum for the insane. He was sent + there, it seems, as a confirmed case of unjustifiable Punist. Therefore + the governor had Punist him accordingly. This is a specimen of our + capitalized joke with Queen Anne do-funny on the corners. We are shipping + a great many of them to England this season, where they are greedily + snapped up and devoured by the crowned heads. It is a good hot weather + joke, devoid of mental strain, perfectly simple and may be laughed at or + not without giving the slightest offense. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0125" id="link2H_4_0125"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Drunk in a Plug Hat. + </h2> + <p> + This world is filled with woe everywhere you go. Sorrow is piled up in the + fence corners on every road. Unavailing regret and red-nosed remorse + inhabit the cot of the tie-chopper as well as the cut-glass cage of the + millionaire. The woods are full of disappointment. The earth is convulsed + with a universal sob, and the roads are muddy with tears. But I do not + call to mind a more touching picture of unavailing misery and ruin, and + hopeless chaos, than the plug hat that has endeavored to keep sober and + maintain self-respect while its owner was drunk. A plug hat can stand + prosperity, and shine forth joyously while nature smiles. That's the + place where it seems to thrive. A tall silk hat looks well on a thrifty + man with a clean collar, but it cannot stand dissipation. + </p> + <p> + I once knew a plug hat that had been respected by everyone, and had won + its way upward by steady endeavor. No one knew aught against it till one + evening, in an evil hour, it consented to attend a banquet, and all at + once its joyous career ended. It met nothing but distrust and cold neglect + everywhere, after that. + </p> + <p> + Drink seems to make a man temporarily unnaturally exhilarated. During that + temporary exhilaration he desires to attract attention by eating lobster + salad out of his own hat, and sitting down on his neighbor's. + </p> + <p> + The demon rum is bad enough on the coatings of the stomach, but it is even + more disastrous to the tall hat. A man may mix up in a crowd and carry off + an overdose of valley tan in a soft hat or a cap, but the silk hat will + proclaim it upon the house-tops, and advertise it to a gaping, wondering + world. It has a way of getting back on the rear elevation of the head, or + over the bridge of the nose, or of hanging coquettishly on one ear, that + says to the eagle-eyed public: “I am chockfull.” + </p> + <p> + I cannot call to mind a more powerful lecture on temperance, than the + silent pantomime of a man trying to hang his plug hat on an invisible peg + in his own hall, after he had been watching the returns, a few years ago. + I saw that he was excited and nervously unstrung when he came in, but I + did not fully realize it until he began to hang his hat on the smooth + wall. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A POWERFUL LECTURE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8341}.jpg" alt="{8341} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8341}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + At first he laughed in a good-natured way at his awkwardness, and hung it + up again carefully; but at last he became irritated about it, and almost + forgot himself enough to swear, but controlled himself. Finding, however, + that it refused to hang up, and that it seemed rather restless, anyhow, he + put it in the corner of the hall with the crown up, pinned it to the floor + with his umbrella, and heaved a sigh of relief. Then he took off his + overcoat and, through a clerical error, pulled off his dress-coat also. I + showed him his mistake and offered to assist him back into his apparel, + but he said he hadn't got so old and feeble yet that he couldn't + dress himself. + </p> + <p> + Later on he came into the parlor, wearing a linen ulster with the belt + drooping behind him like the broken harness hanging to a shipwrecked and + stranded mule. His wife looked at him in a way that froze his blood. This + startled him so that he stepped back a pace or two, tangled his feet in + his surcingle, clutched wildly at the empty gas-light, but missed it and + sat down in a tall majolica cuspidor. + </p> + <p> + There were three games of whist going on when he fell, and there was a + good deal of excitement over the playing, but after he had been pulled out + of the American tear jug and led away, everyone of the twelve + whist-players had forgotten what the trump was. + </p> + <p> + They say that he has abandoned politics since then, and that now he don't + care whether we have any more November elections or not. I asked him once + if he would be active during the next campaign, as usual, and he said he + thought not. He said a man couldn't afford to be too active in a + political campaign. His constitution wouldn't stand it. + </p> + <p> + At that time he didn't care much whether the American people had a + president or not. If every public-spirited voter had got to work himself + up into a state of nervous excitability and prostration where reason + tottered on its throne, he thought that we needed a reform. + </p> + <p> + Those who wished to furnish reasons to totter on their thrones for the + National Central Committee at so much per tot, could do so; he, for one, + didn't propose to farm out his immortal soul and plug hat to the + party, if sixty million people had to stand four years under the + administration of a setting hen. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0126" id="link2H_4_0126"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Spring. + </h2> + <p> + Spring is now here. It has been here before, but not so much so, perhaps, + as it is this year. In spring the buds swell up and bust. The “violets” + bloom once more, and the hired girl takes off the double windows and the + storm door. The husband and father puts up the screen doors, so as to fool + the annual fly when he tries to make his spring debut. The husband and + father finds the screen doors and windows in the gloaming of the garret. + He finds them by feeling them in the dark with his hands. He finds the + rafters, also, with his head. When he comes down, he brings the screens + and three new intellectual faculties sticking out on his brow like the + button on a barn door. + </p> + <p> + Spring comes with joyous laugh, and song, and sunshine, and the burnt + sacrifice of the over-ripe boot and the hoary overshoe. The cowboy and the + new milch cow carol their roundelay. So does the veteran hen. The common + egg of commerce begins to come forth into the market at a price where it + can be secured with a step-ladder, and all nature seems tickled. + </p> + <p> + There are four seasons—spring, summer, autumn and winter. Spring is + the most joyful season of the year. It is then that the green grass and + the lavender pants come forth. The little robbins twitter in the branches, + and the horny-handed farmer goes joyously afield to till the soil till the + cows come home.—<i>Virgil</i>. + </p> + <p> + We all love the moist and fragrant spring. It is then that the sunlight + waves beat upon the sandy coast, and the hand-maiden beats upon the sandy + carpet. The man of the house pulls tacks out of himself and thinks of days + gone by, when you and I were young, Maggie. Who does not leap and sing in + his heart when the dandelion blossoms in the low lands, and the tremulous + tail of the lambkin agitates the balmy air? + </p> + <p> + The lawns begin to look like velvet and the lawn-mower begins to warm its + joints and get ready for the approaching harvest. The blue jay fills the + forest with his classical and extremely <i>au revoir</i> melody, and the + curculio crawls out of the plum-tree and files his bill. The plow-boy puts + on his father's boots and proceeds to plow up the cunning little + angle worm. Anon, the black-bird alights on the swaying reeds, and the + lightning-rod man alights on the farmer with great joy and a new rod that + can gather up all the lightning in two States and put it in a two-gallon + jug for future use. + </p> + <p> + Who does not love spring, the most joyful season of the year? It is then + that the spring bonnet of the workaday world crosses the earth's + orbit and makes the bank account of the husband and father look fatigued. + The low shoe and the low hum of the bumble-bee are again with us. The + little striped hornet heats his nose with a spirit lamp and goes forth + searching for the man with the linen pantaloons. All nature is full of + life and activity. So is the man with the linen pantaloons. Anon, the + thrush will sing in the underbrush, and the prima donna will do up her + voice in a red-flannel rag and lay it away. + </p> + <p> + I go now into my cellar to bring out the gladiola bulb and the homesick + turnip of last year. Do you see the blue place on my shoulder? That is + where I struck when I got to the foot of the cellar stairs. The gladiola + bulbs are looking older than when I put them away last fall. I fear me + they will never again bulge forth. They are wrinkled about the eyes and + there are lines of care upon them. I could squeeze along two years without + the gladiola and the oleander in the large tub. If I should give my little + boy a new hatchet and he should cut down my beautiful oleander, I would + give him a bicycle and a brass band and a gold-headed cane. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + O spring, spring, + You giddy young thing.{1} +</pre> + <p> + {Footnote 1: From poems of passion and one thing another, by the author of + this sketch.} + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0127" id="link2H_4_0127"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Duke of Rawhide. + </h2> + <p> + “I believe I've got about the most instinct bulldog in the + United States,” said Cayote Van Gobb yesterday. “Other pups + may show cuteness and cunning, you know, but my dog, the Duke of Rawhide + Buttes, is not only generally smart, but he keeps up with the times. He's + not only a talented cuss, but his genius is always fresh and original.” + </p> + <p> + “What are some of his specialties, Van?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, there's a good many of 'em, fust and last. He never + seems to be content with the achievements that please other dogs. You + watch him and you'll see that his mind is active all the time. When + he is still he's working up some scheme or another, that he will + ripen and fructify later on. + </p> + <p> + “For three year's I've had a watermelon patch and run it + with more or less success, I reckon. The Duke has tended to 'em + after they got ripe, and I was going to say that it kept his hands pretty + busy to do it, but, to be more accurate, I should say that it kept his + mouth full. Hardly a night after the melons got ripe and in the dark of + the moon, but the Dude would sample a cowboy or a sheep-herder from the + lower Poudre. Watermelons were generally worth ten cents a pound along the + Union Pacific for the first two weeks, and a fifty-pounder was worth $5. + That made it an object to keep your melons, for in a good year you could + grow enough on ten acres to pay off the national debt. + </p> + <p> + “Well, to return to my subject. Duke would sleep days during the + season and gather fragments of the rear breadths of Western pantaloons at + night. One morning Duke had a piece of fancy cassimere in his teeth that I + tried to pry out and preserve, so that I could identify the owner, + perhaps, but he wouldn't give it up. I coaxed him and lammed him + across the face and eyes with an old board, but he wouldn't give it + to me. Then I watched him. I've been watchin' him ever since. + He took all these fragments of goods I found, over into the garret above + the carriage shed. + </p> + <p> + “Yesterday I went in there and took a lantern with me. There on the + floor the Duke of Rawhide had arranged all the samples of Rocky Mountain + pantaloons with a good deal of taste, and I don't suppose you'd + believe it, but that blamed pup is collecting all these little scraps to + make himself a crazy quilt. + </p> + <p> + “You can talk about instinct in animals, but, so far as the Duke of + Rawhide Buttes is concerned, it seems to me more like all-wool genius a + yard wide.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0346}.jpg" alt="{0346}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0346}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0128" id="link2H_4_0128"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Etiquette at Hotels. + </h2> + <p> + Etiquette at hotels is a subject that has been but lightly treated upon by + our modern philosophy, and yet it is a subject that lies very near to + every American heart. Had I not already more reforms on hand than I can + possibly successfully operate I would gladly use my strong social + influence and trenchant pen in that direction. Etiquette at hotels, both + on the part of the proprietor, and his hirelings, and the guest, is a + matter that calls loudly for improvement. + </p> + <p> + The hotel waiter alone, would well repay a close study. From the tardy and + polished loiterer of the effete East, to the off-hand and social equal of + the budding West, all waiters are deserving of philosophical scrutiny. I + was thrown in contact with a waiter in New York last summer, whose manners + were far more polished than my own. Every time I saw him standing there + with his immediate pantaloons and swallow-tail coat, and the far-away, + chastened look of one who had been unfortunate, but not crushed, I felt + that I was unworthy to be waited upon by such a blue-blooded thoroughbred, + and I often wished that we had more such men in Congress. And when he + would take my order and go away with it, and after the meridian of my life + had softened into the mellow glory of the sere and yellow leaf, when he + came back, still looking quite young, and never having forgotten me, + recognizing me readily after the long, dull, desolate years, I was glad, + and I felt that he deserved something more than mere empty thanks and I + said to him: “Ah, sir, you still remember me after years of + privation and suffering. When every one else in New York has forgotten me, + with the exception of the confidence man, you came to me with the glad + light of recognition in your clear eye. Would you be offended if I gave + you this trifling testimonial of my regard?” at the same time giving + him my note at thirty days. + </p> + <p> + I wanted him to have something by which to always remember me, and I guess + he has. + </p> + <p> + Speaking of waiters, reminds me of one at Glendive, Montana. We had to + telegraph ahead in order to get a place to sleep, and when we registered + the landlord shoved out an old double-entry journal for us to record our + names and postoffice address in. The office was the bar and before we + could get our rooms assigned us, we had to wait forty-five minutes for the + landlord to collect pay for thirteen drinks and lick a personal friend. + Finally, when he got around to me, he told me that I could sleep in the + night bar-tender's bed, as he would be up all night, and might + possibly get killed and never need it again, anyhow. It would cost me $4 + cash in advance to sleep one night in the bartender's bed, he said, + and the house was so blamed full that he and his wife had got to wait till + things kind of quieted down, and then they would have to put a mattress on + the 15 ball pool table and sleep there. + </p> + <p> + I called attention to my valuable valise that had been purchased at great + cost, and told him that he would be safe to keep that behind the bar till + I paid; but he said he wasn't in the second-hand valise business, + and so I paid in advance. It was humiliating, but he had the edge on me. + </p> + <p> + At the tea table I noticed that the waiter was a young man who evidently + had not been always thus. He had the air of one who yearns to have some + one tread on the tail of his coat. Meekness, with me, is one of my + characteristics. It is almost a passion. It is the result of personal + injuries received in former years at the hands of parties who excelled me + in brute force and who succeeded in drawing me out in conversation, as it + were, till I made remarks that were injudicious. + </p> + <p> + So I did not disagree with this waiter, although I had grounds. When he + came around and snorted in my ear, “Salt pork, antelope and cold + beans,” at the same time leaning his full weight on my back, while + he evaded the revenue laws by retailing his breath to the guests without a + license, I thought I would call for what he had the most of, so I said if + he didn't mind and it wouldn't be too much trouble, I would + take cold beans. + </p> + <p> + I will leave it to the calm, impassionate and unpartisan reader to state + whether that remark ought to create ill-feeling. I do not think it ought. + However, he was irritable, and life to him seemed to be cold and dark. So + he went to the general delivery window that led into the cold bean + laboratory, and remarked in a hoarse, insolent, and ironical tone of + voice: + </p> + <p> + “Nother damned suspicious looking character wants cold beans.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0129" id="link2H_4_0129"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Fifteen Years Apart. + </h2> + <p> + The American Indian approximates nearer to what man should be—manly, + physically perfect, grand in character, and true to the instincts of his + conscience—than any other race of beings, civilized or uncivilized. + Where do we hear such noble sentiments or meet with such examples of + heroism and self-sacrifice as the history of the American Indian + furnishes? Where shall we go to hear again such oratory as that of Black + Hawk and Logan? Certainly the records of our so-called civilization do not + furnish it, and the present century is devoid of it. + </p> + <p> + They were the true children of the Great Spirit. They lived nearer to the + great heart of the Creator than do their pale-faced conquerors of to-day + who mourn over the lost and undone condition of the savage. Courageous, + brave and the soul of honor, their cruel and awful destruction from the + face of the earth is a sin of such magnitude that the relics and the + people of America may well shrink from the just punishment which is sure + to follow the assassination of as brave a race as ever breathed the air of + Heaven. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: AT FIFTEEN.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8349}.jpg" alt="{8349} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8349}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I wrote the above scathing rebuke of the American people when I was 15 + years of age. I ran across the dissertation yesterday. As a general rule, + it takes a youth 15 years of age to arraign Congress and jerk the + administration bald-headed. The less he knows about things generally, the + more cheerfully will he shed information right and left. + </p> + <p> + At the time I wrote the above crude attack upon the government, I had not + seen any Indians, but I had read much. My blood boiled when I thought of + the wrongs which our race had meted out to the red man. It was at the time + when my blood was just coming to a boil that I penned the above paragraph. + Ten years later I had changed my views somewhat, relative to the Indian, + and frankly wrote to the government of the change. When I am doing the + administration an injustice, and I find it out, I go to the president + candidly, and say: “Look here, Mr. President, I have been doing you + a wrong. You were right and I was erroneous. I am not pig-headed and + stubborn. I just admit fairly that I have been hindering the + administration, and I do not propose to do so any more.” + </p> + <p> + So I wrote to Gen. Grant and told him that when I was 15 years of age I + wrote a composition at school in which I had arraigned the people and the + administration for the course taken toward the Indians. Since that time I + had seen some Indians in the mountains—at a distance—and from + what I had seen of them I was led to believe that I had misjudged the + people and the executive. I told him that so far as possible I would like + to repair the great wrong so done in the ardor of youth and to once more + sustain the arm of the government. + </p> + <p> + He wrote me kindly and said he was glad that I was friendly with the + government again, and that now he saw nothing in the way of continued + national prosperity. He said he would preserve my letter in the archives + as a treaty of peace between myself and the nation. He said only the day + before he had observed to the cabinet that he didn't care two cents + about a war with foreign nations, but he would like to be on a peace + footing with me. The country could stand outside interference better than + intestine hostility. I do not know whether he meant anything personal by + that or not. Probably not. + </p> + <p> + He said he remembered very well when he first heard that I had attacked + the Indian policy of the United States in one of my school essays. He + still called to mind the feeling of alarm and apprehension which at that + time pervaded the whole country. How the cheeks of strong men had blanched + and the Goddess of Liberty felt for her back hair and exchanged her Mother + Hubbard dress for a new cast-iron panoply of war and Roman hay knife. Oh, + yes, he said, he remembered it as though it had been yesterday. + </p> + <p> + Having at heart the welfare of the American people as he did, he hoped + that I would never attack the republic again. + </p> + <p> + And I never have. I have been friendly, not only personally, but + officially, for a good while. Even if I didn't agree with some of + the official acts of the president I would allow him to believe that I did + rather than harass him with cold, cruel and adverse criticism. The + abundant success of this policy is written in the country's + wonderful growth and prosperous peace. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0130" id="link2H_4_0130"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Dessicated Mule. + </h2> + <p> + The red-eyed antagonist of truth is not found alone in the ranks of the + newspaper phalanx. You run up against him in all walks of life. He + flourishes in all professions, and he is ready at all times to entertain. + There is quite a difference between a malicious falsehood and the + different shades of parables, fables with a moral, Sabbath-school books, + newspaper sketches, and anecdotes told to entertain. + </p> + <p> + A malicious lie is injurious personally. A business lie is a falsehood for + revenue only. But the yarns that are spun around camp-fires, in mining and + logging camps, to while away a dull evening, are not within the + jurisdiction of the criminal code or the home missionary. + </p> + <p> + On the train, yesterday several old lumbermen were telling about hard + roads and steep hills, engineering skill and so forth. Finally they told + about “snubbing” a loaded team down bad hills, and one man + said: + </p> + <p> + “You might 'snub' down a cheap hill, but you couldn't + do it on our road. We tried it. Couldn't do a thing. Finally we got + to building snow-sheds and hauling sand. You build a snow-shed that covers + the grade, then fill the road in with two feet of loose sand, and you're + O.K. We did that last winter, and when you drive a four-horse load of logs + down through them long snow-sheds on bare ground, mind ye, and the bobs go + plowing through the sand, the sled-shoes will make the fire fly so that + you can read the President's message at midnight.” + </p> + <p> + Then an old man who went to Pike's Peak during the excitement and + returned afterward, woke up and yawned two or three times, and said they + used to have some trouble, a good many years ago getting over the range + where the South Park road now goes from Chalk Creek Canon through Alpine + Tunnel to the Gunnison. + </p> + <p> + “We tried 'snubbing' and everything we could think of, + but it was N.G. + </p> + <p> + “Finally we got hold of a new kind of 'snub' that worked + pretty well. We had a long table made a-purpose, that would reach to the + foot of the hill from the top, and we'd tie a three-ton load to the + end at the top of the hill; then we would hitch six mules to the end at + the foot of the hill. Well, the principle of the thing was, that as the + load went down on the Gunnison side it would pull the mules up the + opposite side, tails first.” + </p> + <p> + “How did it work?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, it worked all right if the mules and the load balanced; but one + day we put on a light mule named Emma Abbott, and the load got a start + down the Gunnison side that made that old cable sing. The wagon tipped + over and concussed a keg of blasting powder, and that obliterated the rest + of the goods. + </p> + <p> + “But the air on the other side was full of mules. You ought to seen + 'em come up that hill! + </p> + <p> + “It takes considerable of a crisis to affect the natural reserve of + six mules; but when they saw how it was, they backed up that mountain with + great enthusiasm. They didn't touch the ground but once in three + thousand feet, but they struck the canopy of heaven several times. + </p> + <p> + “When the sky cleared up, we made a careful inventory of the stock. + </p> + <p> + “We had a second-hand three-inch cable and some desiccated mule. We + never went to look for the wagon; but when the weather got warm, the + Coyotes helped us find Emma Abbott. + </p> + <p> + “She was hanging by the ear in the crotch of an old hemlock tree. + </p> + <p> + “Life was extinct. + </p> + <p> + “We found a few more of the mules, but they were fractional. + </p> + <p> + “Emma Abbott was the only complete mule we found.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0131" id="link2H_4_0131"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Time's Changes. + </h2> + <p> + I fixed myself and went out trout fishing on the only original + Kinnickinnick river last week. It was a kind of Rip Van Winkle picnic and + farewell moonlight excursion home. I believe that Rip Van Winkle, however, + confined himself to hunting mostly with an old musket that was on the + retired list when Rip took his sleepy drink on the Catskills. If he could + have gone with me fishing last week over the old trail, digging + angle-worms at the same old place where I left the spade sticking in the + grim soil twenty years ago—if we could have waded down the + Kinnickinnick together with high rubber boots on, and got nibbles and + bites at the same places, and found the same old farmers with nearly a + quarter of a century added to their lives and glistening in their hair, we + would have had fun no doubt on that day, and a headache on the day + following. This affords me an opportunity to say that trout may be caught + successfully without a corkscrew. I have tried it. I've about + decided that the main reason why so many large lies are told about the + number of trout caught all over the country, is that at the moment the + sportsman pulls his game out of the water, he labors under some kind of an + optical illusion, by reason of which he sees about nine trout where he + ought to see only one. + </p> + <p> + I wish I had as many dollars as I have soaked deceased angle-worms in that + same beautiful Kinnickinnick. There was a little stream made into it that + we called Tidd's creek. It is still there. This stream runs across + Tidd's farm, and Tidd twenty years ago wouldn't allow anybody + to fish in the creek. I can still remember how his large hand used to + feel, as he caught me by the nape of the neck and threw me over the fence + with my amateur fishing tackle and a willow “stringer” with + eleven dried, stiff trout on it. Last week I thought I would try Tidd's + creek again. It was always a good place to fish, and I felt the same old + excitement, with just enough vague forebodings in it to make it pleasant. + Still, I had grown a foot or so since I used to fish there, and perhaps I + could return the compliment by throwing the old gentleman over his own + fence, and then hiss in his ear “R-r-r-r-e-v-e-n-g-e!!!” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: I BECAME MORE FEARLESS.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0354}.jpg" alt="{0354}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0354}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I had got pretty well across the “lower forty” and had about + decided that Tidd had been gathered to his fathers, when I saw him coming + with his head up like a steer in the corn. Tidd is a blacksmith by trade, + and he has an arm with hair on it that looks like Jumbo's hind leg. + I felt the same old desire to climb the fence and be alone. I didn't + know exactly how to work it. Then I remembered how people had remarked + that I had changed very much in twenty years, and that for a homely boy I + had grown to be a remarkably picturesque-looking man. I trusted to Tidd's + failing eyesight and said: + </p> + <p> + “How are you?” + </p> + <p> + He said, “How are you?” That did not answer my question, but I + didn't mind a little thing like that. + </p> + <p> + Then he said: “I sposed that every pesky fool in this country knew I + don't allow fishing on my land.” + </p> + <p> + “That may be,” says I, “but I ain't fishing on + your land. I always fish in a damp place if I can. Moreover, how do I know + this is your land? Carrying the argument still further, and admitting that + every peesky fool knows that you didn't allow fishing here, I am not + going to be called a pesky fool with impunity, unless you do it over my + dead body.” He stopped about ten rods away and I became more + fearless. “I don't know who you are,” said I, as I took + off my coat and vest and piled them up on my fish basket, eager for the + fray. “You claim to own this farm, but it is my opinion that you are + the hired man, puffed up with a little authority. You can't order me + off this ground till you show me a duly certified abstract of title and + then identify yourself. What protection does a gentleman have if he is to + be kicked and cuffed about by Tom, Dick and Harry, claiming they own the + whole State. Get out! Avaunt! If you don't avaunt pretty quick I'll + scrap you and sell you to a medical college.” + </p> + <p> + He stood in dumb amazement a moment, then he said he would go and get his + deed and his shotgun. I said shotguns suited me exactly, and I told him to + bring two of them loaded with giant powder and barbed wire. I would not + live alway. I asked not to stay. When he got behind the corn-crib I + climbed the fence and fled with my ill-gotten gains. + </p> + <p> + The blacksmith in his prime may lick the small boy, but twenty years + changes their relative positions. Possibly Tidd could tear up the ground + with me now, but in ten more years, if I improve as fast as he fails, I + shall fish in that same old stream again. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0132" id="link2H_4_0132"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Letter From New York. + </h2> + <p> + Dear friend.—Being Sunday, I take an hour to write you a letter in + regard to this place. I came here yesterday without attracting undue + attention from people who lived here. If they was surprised, they + concealed it from me. + </p> + <p> + I've camped out on the Chug years ago, and went to sleep with no + live thing near me except my own pony, and woke up with the early song of + the coyote, and have been on the lonesome plain for days where it seemed + to me that a hostile would be mighty welcome if he would only say + something to me, but I was never so lonesome as I was here in this big + town last night, although it is the most thick settled place I was ever + at. + </p> + <p> + I was so kind of low and depressed that I strolled in to the bar at last, + allowing that I could pound on the counter and call up the boys and get + acquainted a little with somebody, just as I would at Col. Luke Murrin's, + at Cheyenne; but when I waved to the other parties, and told them to rally + round the foaming beaker, they apologized, and allowed they had just been + to dinner. + </p> + <p> + Just been to dinner, and there it was pretty blamed near dark! Then I + asked 'em to take a cigar, but they mostly cackillated they had no + occasion. + </p> + <p> + I was mad, but what could I do? They was too many for me, and I couldn't + coerce the white livered aristocratic mob, for quicker'n scat they + could have hollored into a little cupboard they had there in the corner, + and in less'n two minits they'd of had the whole police + department and the hook and ladder company down there after me with a + torch-light procession. + </p> + <p> + So I swallowed my wrath and a tame drink of cultivated whiskey with Apollo + Belvidere on the side, and went out into the auditorium of the hotel. + </p> + <p> + Here I was very unhappy, being, as the editor of the Green River <i>Gazette</i> + would say, “the cynosure of all eyes.” + </p> + <p> + I would rather not be a cynosure, even at a good salary; so I thought I + would ask the proprietor to build a fire in my room. I went up to the + recorder's office, where the big hotel autograft album is, and asked + to see the proprietor. + </p> + <p> + A good-looking young man came forward and asked me what he could do for + me. I said if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I wisht he would + build a little fire in my room, and I would pay him for it; or, if he + would show me where the woodpile was, I would build the fire myself—I + wasn't doing anything special at that time. + </p> + <p> + He then whistled through his teeth and crooked his finger in a shrill tone + of voice to a young party who was working for him, and told him to “build + a fire in four-ought-two.” + </p> + <p> + I then sat down in the auditorium and read out of a railroad tract, which + undertook to show that a party that undertook to ride over a rival road, + must do so because life was a burden to him, and facility, and comfort, + and safety, and such things no object whatever. But still I was very + lonely, and felt as if I was far, far away from home. + </p> + <p> + I couldn't have been more uncomfortable if I'd been a young + man I saw twenty-five years ago on the old overland trail. He had gone out + to study the Indian character, and to win said Indian to the fold. When I + next saw him he was twenty miles farther on. He had been thrown in contact + with said Indian in the meantime. I judged he had been making a collection + of Indian arrows. He was extremely no more. He looked some like Saint + Sebastian, and some like a toothpick-holder. + </p> + <p> + I was never successfully lost on the plains, and so I started out after + supper to find my room. I found a good many other rooms, and tried to get + into them, but I did not find four-ought-two till a late hour; then I + subsidized the night patrol on the third floor to assist me. + </p> + <p> + This is a nice place to stop, but it is a little too rich for my blood, I + guess Not so much as regards price, but I can see that I am beginning to + excite curiosity among the boarders. People are coming here to board just + because I am here, and it is disagreeable. I do not court notoriety. I + have always lived in a plain way, and I would give a dollar if people + would look the other way while I eat my pie. + </p> + <p> + Yours truly, + </p> + <p> + E.O.D. + </p> + <p> + To E. Wm. Nye, Esq. + </p> + <p> + P.S.—This is not a dictated letter. I left my stenograffer and + revolver at Pumpkin Buttes. + </p> + <p> + E.O.D. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0133" id="link2H_4_0133"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Crowns and Crowned Heads. + </h2> + <p> + During the hot weather very few crowns are worn this season, and a few + hints as to the care of the crown itself may not be out of place. + </p> + <p> + The crown should not be carelessly hung on the hat rack in the royal hall + for the flies to roost upon, but it should be thoroughly cleaned and put + away as soon as the weather becomes too hot to wear it comfortably. + </p> + <p> + Great care should be used in cleaning a gold-plated crown, to avoid + wearing out the plate. Take a good stiff tooth brush, with a little + soapsuds, and clean the crown thoroughly at first, drying it on a clean + towel and taking care not to drop it on the floor and thus knock the + moss-agate diadem loose. Next, get a sleeve of the royal undershirt, or, + in case you can not procure one readily, the sleeve of a duke or + right-bower may be used. Soak this in vinegar, and, with a coat of + whiting, polish the crown thoroughly, wrap it in cotton-flannel and put in + the bureau. Sometimes, the lining of the crown becomes saturated with + hair-oil from constant use and needs cleaning. In such cases the lining + may be removed, boiled in concentrated lye two hours, or until tender, and + then placed on the grass to bleach in the sun. + </p> + <p> + Most crowns are size six-and-seven-eights, and they are therefore + frequently too large for the number six head of royalty. In such cases a + newspaper may be folded lengthwise and laid inside the sweat-band of the + crown, thus reducing the size and preventing any accident by which his or + her majesty might lose the crown in the coal-bin while doing chores. + </p> + <p> + After the Fourth of July and other royal holidays, this newspaper may be + removed, and the crown will be found none too large for the imperial dome + of thought. + </p> + <p> + Sceptres may be cleaned and wrapped in woolen goods during the hot months. + The leg of an old pair of pantaloons makes a good retort to run a sceptre + into while not in use. Never try to kill flies or drive carpet tacks with + the sceptre. It is an awkward tool at best, and you might 'easily + knock a thumb nail loose. Great care should also be taken of the royal + robe. Do not use it for a lap robe while dining, nor sleep in it at night. + Nothing looks more repugnant than a king on the throne, with little white + feathers all over his robe. + </p> + <p> + It is equally bad taste to govern a kingdom in a maroon robe with white + horse hairs all over it. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: A HARD-WORKING MONARCH.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0359}.jpg" alt="{0359}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0359}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I once knew a king who invariably curried his horses in his royal robes; + and if the steeds didn't stand around to suit him, he would ever and + anon welt them in the pit of the stomach with his cast-iron sceptre. It + was greatly to the interest of his horses not to incur the royal + displeasure, as the reader has no doubt already surmised. + </p> + <p> + The robe of the king should only be worn while his majesty is on the + throne. When he comes down at night, after his day's work, and goes + out after his coal and kindling-wood, he may take off his robe, roll it up + carefully, and stick it under the throne, where it will be out of sight. + Nothing looks more untidy than a fat king milking a bobtail cow in a + Mother Hubbard robe trimmed with imitation ermine. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0134" id="link2H_4_0134"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + My Physician. + </h2> + <p> + {An Open Letter.} + </p> + <p> + Dear Sir: I have seen recently an open letter addressed to me, and written + by you in a vein of confidence and strictly sub rosa. What you said was so + strictly confidential, in fact, that you published the letter in New York, + and it was copied through the press of the country. I shall, therefore, + endeavor to be equally careful in writing my reply. + </p> + <p> + You refer in your kind and confidential note to your experience as an + invalid, and your rapid recovery after the use of red-hot Mexican pepper + tea in a molten state. + </p> + <p> + But you did not have such a physician as I did when I had spinal + meningitis. He was a good doctor for horses and blind staggers, but he was + out of his sphere when he strove to fool with the human frame. Change of + scene and rest were favorite prescriptions of his. Most of his patients + got both, especially eternal rest. He made a specialty of eternal rest. + </p> + <p> + He did not know what the matter was with me, but he seemed to be willing + to learn. + </p> + <p> + My wife says that while he was attending me I was as crazy as a loon, but + that I was more lucid than the physician. Even with my little, shattered + wreck of mind, tottering between a superficial knowledge of how to pound + sand and a wide, shoreless sea of mental vacuity, I still had the edge on + my physician, from an intellectual point of view. He is still practicing + medicine in a quiet kind of way, weary of life, and yet fearing to die and + go where his patients are. + </p> + <p> + He had a sabre wound on one cheek that gave him a ferocious appearance. He + frequently alluded to how he used to mix up in the carnage of battle, and + how he used to roll up his pantaloons and wade in gore. He said that if + the tocsin of war should sound even now, or if he were to wake up in the + night and hear war's rude alarum, he would spring to arms and make + tyranny tremble till its suspender buttons fell off. + </p> + <p> + Oh, he was a bad man from Bitter Creek. + </p> + <p> + One day I learned from an old neighbor that this physician did not have + anything to do with preserving the Union intact, but that he acquired the + scar on his cheek while making some experiments as a drunk and disorderly. + He would come and sit by my bedside for hours, waiting for this mortality + to put on immortality, so that he could collect his bill from the estate, + but one day I arose during a temporary delirium, and extracting a slat + from my couch I smote him across the pit of the stomach with it, while I + hissed through my clenched teeth: + </p> + <p> + “Physician, heal thyself.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF."} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8361}.jpg" alt="{8361} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8361}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I then tottered a few minutes, and fell back into the arms of my + attendants. If you do not believe this, I can still show you the clenched + teeth. Also the attendants. + </p> + <p> + I had a hard time with this physician, but I still live, contrary to his + earnest solicitations. + </p> + <p> + I desire to state that should this letter creep into the press of the + country, and thus become in a measure public, I hope that it will create + no ill-feeling on your part. + </p> + <p> + Our folks are all well as I write, and should you happen to be on Lake + Superior this winter, yachting, I hope you will drop in and see us. Our + latch string is hanging out most all the time, and if you will pound on + the fence I will call off the dog. + </p> + <p> + I frequently buy a copy of your paper on the streets. Do you get the + money? + </p> + <p> + Are you acquainted with the staff of <i>The Century</i>, published in New + York? I was in <i>The Century</i> office several hours last spring, and + the editors treated me very handsomely, but, although I have bought the + magazine ever since, and read it thoroughly, I have not seen yet where + they said that “they had a pleasant call from the genial and urbane + William Nye.” I do not feel offended over this. I simply feel hurt. + </p> + <p> + Before that I had a good notion to write a brief epic on the “Warty + Toad,” and send it to <i>The Century</i> for publication, but now it + is quite doubtful. + </p> + <p> + <i>The Century</i> may be a good paper, but it does not take the press + dispatches, and only last month I saw in it an account of a battle that to + my certain knowledge occurred twenty years ago. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0135" id="link2H_4_0135"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + All About Oratory. + </h2> + <p> + Twenty centuries ago last Christmas there was born in Attica, near Athens, + the father of oratory, the greatest orator of whom history has told us. + His name was Demosthenes. Had he lived until this spring he would have + been 2,270 years old; but he did not live. Demosthenes has crossed the + mysterious river. He has gone to that bourne whence no traveler returns. + </p> + <p> + Most of you, no doubt, have heard about it. On those who may not have + heard it, the announcement will fall with a sickening thud. + </p> + <p> + This sketch is not intended to cast a gloom over your hearts. It was + designed to cheer those who read it and make them glad they could read. + </p> + <p> + Therefore, I would have been glad if I could have spared them the pain + which this sudden breaking of the news of the death of Demosthenes will + bring. But it could not be avoided. We should remember the transitory + nature of life, and when we are tempted to boast of our health, and + strength, and wealth, let us remember the sudden and early death of + Demosthenes. + </p> + <p> + Demosthenes was not born an orator. He struggled hard and failed many + times. He was homely, and he stammered in his speech; but before his death + they came to him for hundreds of miles to get him to open their county + fairs and jerk the bird of freedom bald-headed on the Fourth of July. + </p> + <p> + When Demosthenes' father died, he left fifteen talents to be divided + between Demosthenes and his sister. A talent is equal to about $1,000. I + often wish I had been born a little more talented. + </p> + <p> + Demosthenes had a short breath, a hesitating speech, and his manners were + very ungraceful. To remedy his stammering, he filled his mouth full of + pebbles and howled his sentiments at the angry sea. However, Plutarch says + that Demosthenes made a gloomy fizzle of his first speech. This did not + discourage him. He finally became the smoothest orator in that country, + and it was no uncommon thing for him to fill the First Baptist Church of + Athens full. There are now sixty of his orations extant, part of them + written by Demosthenes and part of them written by his private secretary. + </p> + <p> + When he started in, he was gentle, mild and quiet in his manner; but later + on, carrying his audience with him, he at last became enthusiastic. He + thundered, he roared, he whooped, he howled, he jarred the windows, he + sawed the air, he split the horizon with his clarion notes, he tipped over + the table, kicked the lamps out of the chandeliers and smashed the big + bass viol over the chief fiddler's head. + </p> + <p> + Oh, Demosthenes was business when he got started. It will be a long time + before we see another off-hand speaker like Demosthenes, and I, for one, + have never been the same man since I learned of his death. + </p> + <p> + “Such was the first of orators,” says Lord Brougham. “At + the head of all the mighty masters of speech, the adoration of ages has + consecrated his place, and the loss of the noble instrument with which he + forged and launched his thunders, is sure to maintain it unapproachable + forever.” + </p> + <p> + I have always been a great admirer of the oratory of Demosthenes, and + those who have heard both of us, think there is a certain degree of + similarity in our style. + </p> + <p> + And not only did I admire Demosthenes as an orator, but as a man; and, + though I am no Vanderbilt, I feel as though I would be willing to head a + subscription list for the purpose of doing the square thing by his + sorrowing wife, if she is left in want, as I understand that she is. + </p> + <p> + I must now leave Demosthenes and pass on rapidly to speak of Patrick + Henry. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Henry was the man who wanted liberty or death. He preferred liberty, + though. If he couldn't have liberty, he wanted to die, but he was in + no great rush about it. He would like liberty, if there was plenty of it; + but if the British had no liberty to spare, he yearned for death. When the + tyrant asked him what style of death he wanted, he said that he would + rather die of extreme old age. He was willing to wait, he said. He didn't + want to go unprepared, and he thought it would take him eighty or ninety + years more to prepare, so that when he was ushered into another world he + wouldn't be ashamed of himself. + </p> + <p> + One hundred and ten years ago, Patrick Henry said: “Sir, our chains + are forged. Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston. The war + is inevitable, and let it come. I repeat it, sir, let it come!” + </p> + <p> + In the spring of 1860, I used almost the same language. So did Horace + Greeley. There were four or five of us who got our heads together and + decided that the war was inevitable, and consented to let it come. + </p> + <p> + Then it came. Whenever there is a large, inevitable conflict loafing + around waiting for permission to come, it devolves on the great statesmen + and bald-headed <i>literati</i> of the nation to avoid all delay. It was + so with Patrick Henry. He permitted the land to be deluged in gore, and + then he retired. It is the duty of the great orator to howl for war, and + then hold some other man's coat while he fights. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0136" id="link2H_4_0136"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Strabusmus and Justice. + </h2> + <p> + Over in St. Paul I met a man with eyes of cadet blue and a terra cotta + nose. His eyes were not only peculiar in shape, but while one seemed to + constantly probe the future, the other was apparently ransacking the + dreamy past. While one rambled among the glorious possibilities of the + remote yet golden ultimately, the other sought the somber depths of the + previously. + </p> + <p> + He told me that years ago he had a mild case of strabismus and that both + eyes seemed to glare down his nose till he got restless and had them + operated on. Those were the days when they used to fasten a crochet hook + under the internal rectus muscle and cut it a little with a pair of + optical sheep shears. The effect of this course was to allow the eye to + drift back to a direct line; but this man fell into the hands of a drunken + surgeon who cut the muscle too much, and thereby weakened it so that it + gradually swung past the point it ought to have stopped at, and he saw + with horror that his eye was going to turn out and protrude, as it were, + so that a man could hang his hat on it. The other followed suit, and the + two orbs that had for years looked along the bridge of the terra cotta + nose, gradually separated, and while one looked toward next Christmas with + fond anticipations, the other loved to linger over the remembrances of + last fall. + </p> + <p> + This thing continued till he had to peer into the future with his off eye + closed, and vice versa. + </p> + <p> + It is needless to say that he hungered for the blood of that physician and + surgeon. He tried to lay violent hands on him and wipe up the ground with + him and wear him out across a telegraph pole. But the authorities always + prevented the administration of swift and lawful justice. + </p> + <p> + Time passed on, till one night the abnormal wall-eyed man loosened a board + in the sidewalk up town so that the physician and surgeon caught his foot + in it and caused an oblique fracture of the scapula, pied his dura mater, + busted his cornucopia and wrecked his sarah-bellum. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps I am in error as to some of these medical terms and their + orthography, but that is about the way the man with the divergent orbs + told it to me. + </p> + <p> + The physician and surgeon was quite a ruin. He had to wear clapboards on + himself for months, and there were other doctors, and laudable pus and + threatened gangrene and doctors' bills, with the cemetery looming up + in the near future. Day after day he took his own anti-febrile drinks, and + rammed his busted system full of iron and strychnine and beef tea and + dover's powders and hypodermic squirt till he wished he could die, + but death would not come. He pawed the air and howled. They fed him his + own nux vomica, tincture of rhubarb and phosphates and gruel, and brought + him back to life with a crooked collar bone, a shattered shoulder blade + and a look of woe. + </p> + <p> + Then he sued the town for $50,000 damages because the sidewalk was + imperfect, and the wild-eyed man with the inflamed nose got on the jury. + </p> + <p> + I will not explain how it was done, but there was a verdict for defendant + with costs on the Esculapian wreck. The man with the crooked vision is not + handsome, but he is very happy. He says the mills of the gods grind + slowly, but they pulverise middling fine. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0137" id="link2H_4_0137"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Spencerian Ass. + </h2> + <p> + After I had accumulated a handsome competence as city editor of the old + Morning <i>Sentinel</i> at Laramie City, and had married and gone to + housekeeping with a gas stove and other luxuries, my place on the <i>Sentinel</i> + was taken by a newspaper man named Hopkins, who had just graduated from a + business college, and who brought a nice glazed grip sack and a diploma + with him that had never been used. + </p> + <p> + Hopkins wrote a fine Spencerian hand and wore a black and tan dog + where-ever he went. The boys were willing to overlook his copper-plate + hand, but they drew the line at the dog. He not only wrote in beautiful + style, but he copied his manuscript, so that when it went in to the + printer it was as pretty as a wedding invitation. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE THREW ME OUT.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8367}.jpg" alt="{8367} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8367}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Hopkins ran the city page nine days, and then he came into the city hall + where I was trying a simple drunk and bade me adieu. + </p> + <p> + I just say this to show how difficult it is for a fine penman to get ahead + as a journalist. Of course good, readable writers like Knox and John + Hancock may become great, but they have to be men of sterling ability to + start with. + </p> + <p> + I have some of the most bloodcurdling horrors preserved for the purpose of + showing Hopkins' wonderful and vivid style. I will throw them in. + </p> + <p> + “A little son of our esteemed fellow townsman, J.H. Hayford, + suffered greatly last evening with virulent colic, but this A.M., as we go + to press, is sleeping easily.” + </p> + <p> + Think of shaking the social foundations of a mountain mining and stock + town with such grim, nervous prostrators as that! The next day he startled + Southern Wyoming and Northern Colorado and Utah with the maddening + statement that “our genial friend, Leopold Gussenhoven's fine, + yellow dog, Florence Nightingale, had been seriously threatened with + insomnia.” + </p> + <p> + That was the style of mental calisthenics he gave us in a town where death + by opium and ropium was liable to occur, and where five men with their + Mexican spurs on climbed one telegraph pole in one night and sauntered + into the remote indefinitely. Hopkins told me that he had tried to do what + was right, but that he had not succeeded very well. He wrung my hand and + said: + </p> + <p> + “I have tried hard to make the <i>Sentinel</i> fill a long want + felt, but I have not been fortunate. The foreman over there is a harsh + man. He used to come in and intimate in a frowning and erect tone of + voice, that if I did not produce that copy p.d.q., or some other + abbreviation or other, that he would bust my crust, or words of like + import. + </p> + <p> + “Now that's no way to talk to a man of a nervous temperament + who is engaged in copying a list of hotel arrivals, and shading the + capitals as I was. In the business college it was not that way. Everything + was quiet, and there was nothing to jar a man like that. + </p> + <p> + “Of course I would like to stay on the <i>Sentinel</i> and draw the + princely salary, but there are two hundred reasons why I cannot do it. So + far as the physical effort is concerned, I could draw the salary with one + hand tied behind me, but there is too much turmoil and mad haste in daily + journalism to suit me, and another thing, the proprietor of the <i>Sentinel</i> + this morning stole up behind me and struck me over the head with a + wrought-iron side stick weighing ten pounds. If I had not concealed a coil + spring in my plug hat, the blow would have been deleterious to me. + </p> + <p> + “Then he threw me out of the door against a total stranger, and + flung pieces of coal at me and called me a copper-plate ass, and said that + if I ever came into the office again he would assassinate me. + </p> + <p> + “That is the principal reason why I have severed my connection with + the <i>Sentinel</i>.” + </p> + <p> + As he said this, Mr. Hopkins took out a polka-dot handkerchief wiped away + a pearly tear the size of a walnut, wrung my hand, also the polka-dot + wipe, and stole out into the great, horrid hence. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0138" id="link2H_4_0138"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Anecdotes of Justice. + </h2> + <p> + The justice of the peace is sometimes a peculiarity, and if someone does + not watch him he will exceed his jurisdiction. It took a constable, a + sheriff, a prosecuting attorney and a club to convince a Wyoming justice + of the peace that he had no right to send a man to the penitentiary for + life. Another justice in Utah sentenced a criminal to be hung on the + following Friday between twelve and one o'clock of said day, but he + couldn't enforce the sentence. A Wisconsin justice of the peace + granted a divorce and in two weeks married the couple over again—ten + dollars for the divorce and two dollars for the relapse. Another Badger + justice bound a young man over to appear and answer at the next term of + the Circuit Court for the crime of chastity, and the evidence was entirely + circumstantial, too. + </p> + <p> + Another one, when his first case came up, jerked a candle box around + behind the dining-room table, put his hat on the back of his head, + borrowed a chew of tobacco from the prisoner and said: “Now, boys, + the court's open. The first feller that says a word unless I speak + to him will get paralyzed. Now tell your story.” Then each witness + and the defendant reeled off his yarn without being sworn. The justice + fined the defendant ten dollars and made the complaining witness pay half + the costs. The justice then took the fine and put it in his pocket, + adjourned court, and in an hour was so full that it took six men to hold + his house still long enough for him to get into the doors. + </p> + <p> + A North Park justice of the peace and under-sheriff formed a partnership + years ago for the purpose of supplying people with justice at New York + prices, and by doing a strictly cash business they dispensed with a good + deal of justice, such as it was. + </p> + <p> + It was a misdemeanor to kill game and ship it out of the State, and as + there was a good deal killed there, consisting of elk, antelope and black + tail deer especially, and as it could not be hauled out of the Park at + that season without going across the Wyoming line and back again into the + State of Colorado, the under-sheriff would load himself down with + warrants, signed in blank, and station himself on horseback at the foot of + the pass to the North. He would then arrest everybody indiscriminately who + had any fraction of a deer, antelope or elk on his wagon, try the case + then and there, put on a fine of $25 to $75, which if paid never reached + the treasury, and then he would wait for another victim. The average man + would rather pay the fine than go back a hundred miles through the + mountains to stand trial, so the under-sheriff and justice thrived for + some time. But one day the under-sheriff served his patent automatic + warrant on a young man who refused to come down. The officer then drew one + of those large baritone instruments that generally has a coward at one end + and a corpse at the other. He pointed this at the young man and assessed a + fine of $50 and costs. Instead of paying this fine, the youth, who was + quite nimble, but unarmed, knocked the bogus officer down with the butt + end of his six-mule whip, took his self-cocking credentials away and lit + out. In less than a week the justice and his copper were in the + refrigerator. + </p> + <p> + I was once a justice of the peace, and a good many funny little incidents + occurred while I held that office. I do not allude to my official life + here in order to call attention to my glowing career, for thousands of + others, no doubt, could have administered the affairs of the office as + well as I did, but rather to speak of one incident which took place while + I was a J.P. + </p> + <p> + One night after I had retired and gone to sleep a milkman, called Bill + Dunning, rang the bell and got me out of bed. Then he told me that a man + who owed him a milk bill of $35 was all loaded up and prepared to slip + across the line overland into Colorado, there to grow up with the country + and acquire other indebtedness, no doubt. Bill desired an attachment for + the entire wagon-load of goods and said he had an officer at hand to serve + the writ. + </p> + <p> + “But,” said I, as I wrapped a “welcome” husk door + mat around my glorious proportions, “how do you know while we + converse together he is not winging his way down the valley of the Paudre?” + </p> + <p> + “Never mind that, jedge,” says William. “You just fix + the dockyments and I'll tend to the defendant.” + </p> + <p> + In an hour Bill returned with $35 in cash for himself and the entire costs + of the court, and as we settled up and fixed the docket I asked Bill + Dunning how he detained the defendant while we made out the affidavit bond + and writ of attachment. + </p> + <p> + “You reckollect, jedge,” says William, “that the waggin + wheel is held onto the exle with a big nut. No waggin kin go any length of + time without that there nut onto the exle. Well, when I diskivered that + what's-his-name was packed up and the waggin loaded, I took the + liberty to borrow one o' them there nuts fur a kind of momento, as + it were, and I kept that in my pocket till we served the writ and he paid + my bill and came to his milk, if you'll allow me that expression, + and then I says to him, 'Pardner,' says I, you are going far, + far away where I may never see you again. Take this here nut,' says + I, 'and put it onto the exle of the oft hind wheel of your waggin, + and whenever you look at it hereafter, think of poor old Bill Dunning, the + milkman.'” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0139" id="link2H_4_0139"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Chinese God. + </h2> + <p> + I presume that I shall not be accused of sacrilege in referring to the + Chinese god as an inferior piece of art. Viewed simply from an artistic + and economical standpoint, it seems to me that the Chinaman should have + less pride in his bow-legged and inefficient god than in any other + national institution. + </p> + <p> + I do not wish to be understood as interfering with any man's + religious views; but when polygamy is made a divine decree, or a basswood + deity is whittled out and painted red, to look up to and to worship, I + cannot treat that so-called religious belief with courtesy and reverence. + I am quite liberal in all religious matters. People have noticed that and + remarked it, but the Oriental god of commerce seems to me to be greatly + over-rated. He seems to lack that genuine decision of character which + should be a feature of an over-ruling power. + </p> + <p> + I ask the phrenologist to come with me and examine the head of the alleged + Josh, and to state whether or not he believes that the properly balanced + head of a successful god should not have a more protuberant knob of + spirituality, and a less pronounced alimentiveness. Should the bump of + combativeness hang out over the ear, while time, tune and calculation are + noticeably reticent? I certainly wot not. + </p> + <p> + Again, how can the physiognomy of the Celestial Josh be consistent with a + moral and temperate god? The low brow would not indicate a pronounced + omniscience, and the Jumbo ears and the copious neck would not impress me + with the idea of purity and spirituality. + </p> + <p> + It is, no doubt, wrong to attack sacred matters for the purpose of gaining + notoriety; but I believe I am right, when I assert that the Chinese god + must go. We should not be Puritanical, but we might safely draw the line + at the bow-legged and sedentary goddess of leprosy. + </p> + <p> + If Confucius bowed the suppliant knee to that goggle-eyed jim-jam Josh, I + am grieved to know it. If such was the case, the friends of Confucius + should keep the matter from me. I cannot believe that the great + philosopher wallowed in the dust at the feet of such a polka-dot + carricature of a gorilla's horrid dream. + </p> + <p> + I bought a Chinese god once, for four bits. He was not successful in the + profession which he aimed to follow. Whatever he may have been in China, + he was not a very successful god in the English language. I put him upon + the mantel, and the clock stopped, the servant girl sent in her + resignation, and a large dog jumped through the parlor-window. All this + happened within two hours from the time I erected the lop-eared, + knocked-kneed and club-footed Oolong in my household. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE DOG EXITS.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0373}.jpg" alt="{0373}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0373}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Perhaps this may have been largely due to my ignorance of his habits. + Possibly if I had been more familiar with his eccentricities, it would + have been all right; but as it was, there was no book of instructions + given with him, and I couldn't seem to make him work. + </p> + <p> + During the week following, the prospect shaft of the New Jerusalem mine + struck a subterranean gulf-stream and water-logged the stock, a tall + yellow dog, under the weight of a great woe, picked out my cistern to + suicide in, and I skated down the cellar-stairs on my shoulder-blades and + the phrenological location known as Love of Home, in such a terrible + manner as to jar the foundations of the earth, and kick a large hole out + of the bosom of the night. + </p> + <p> + I then met with a change of heart, and overthrew the warty heathen god, + and knocked him galley west. My hens at once began to watch the produce + market, and, noticing the high price of eggs, commenced to orate with + great zeal instead of standing around with their hands in their pockets. I + saw the new moon over my right shoulder, and all nature seemed gay once + more. + </p> + <p> + The above are a few of my reasons for believing that the Chinese god is + either greatly over-estimated, or else shippers and producers are flooding + the market with fraudulent gods. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0140" id="link2H_4_0140"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Great Spiritualist. + </h2> + <p> + I have an uncle who is a physician, and a very busy one at that. He is a + very active man, and allows himself very little relaxation indeed. How + many times he has said to me, “Well, I can't stand here and + fool away my time with you. I've got a typhoid fever patient down in + the lower end of town who will get well if I don't get over there + this forenoon.” + </p> + <p> + He never allows himself any relaxation to speak of, except to demonstrate + the truth of spiritualism. He does love to monkey with the supernatural, + and he delights in getting hold of some skeptical friend and convincing + him of the presence of spirits beyond a doubt. I've known him to + ignore two cases of croup and one case of twins to attend a seance and + help convince a doubting Thomas on the spirit question. + </p> + <p> + I believe that he and I, together with a little time in which to prepare, + could convince the most skeptical. He says that with a friend to assist + him, who is <i>en rapport</i>, and who has a little practice, he can reach + the stoniest heart. He is a very susceptible medium indeed, and created a + great furore in his own town. He said it was a great comfort to him to + converse with his former patients, and he felt kind of attached to them, + so that he hated to be separated from them, even in death. + </p> + <p> + Spiritualism had quite a run in his neighborhood at one time, as I have + said. Even his own family yielded to the convincing proof and the + astounding phenomena. If his wife hadn't found some of his spiritual + tracks down cellar, she would have remained firm, no doubt, but the doctor + forgot and left his step-ladder down there, and that showed where the hole + in the floor opened into his mysterious cabinet. + </p> + <p> + He said if he had been a little more careful, no doubt he could have + convinced anybody of the presence of spirits or anything else. He said he + didn't intend to give up as long as there was anything left in the + cellar. + </p> + <p> + He had such unwavering confidence in the phenomena that all he asked of + anybody was faith and a buckskin string about two feet long. + </p> + <p> + He and his brother, a reformed member of Congress, read the inmost + thoughts of a skeptical friend all one evening by the aid of supernatural + powers and a tin tube. The reformed member of Congress acted as medium, + and the doctor, who was unfortunately and ostensibly called away into the + country early in the evening, remained at the window outside, where he + could read the queries written by the victim on a slip of paper. Then he + would run around the house and murmur the same through a tin tube at + another window by the medium's ear. + </p> + <p> + It was astounding. The skeptical man would write some deep question on a + slip of paper, and after the medium had felt of his brow, and groaned a + few hollow groans, and rolled his eyes up, he would answer it without + having been within twenty feet of the question or the questioner. The + victim said he would never doubt again. + </p> + <p> + What a comfort it was to know that immortality was an established fact. If + he could have heard a man talking in a low tone of voice through an old + tin dipper handle, at the south window on the ground floor, and + occasionally swearing at a mosquito on the back of his neck, he would have + hesitated. + </p> + <p> + An old-timer over there said that Woodworth would be a mighty good + physician if he would let spiritualism alone. He claimed that no man could + be a great physician and surgeon and still be a fanatic on spiritualism. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0141" id="link2H_4_0141"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + General Sheridan's Horse. + </h2> + <p> + I have always taken a great interest in war incidents, and more so, + perhaps, because I wasn't old enough to put down the rebellion + myself. I have been very eager to get hold of and hoard up in my memory + all its gallant deeds of both sides, and to know the history of those who + figured prominently in that great conflict has been one of my ambitions. + </p> + <p> + I have also watched with interest the steady advancement of Phil Sheridan, + the black-eyed warrior with the florid face and the Winchester record. I + have also taken some pains to investigate the later history of the old + Winchester war horse. + </p> + <p> + “Old Rienzi died in our stable a few years after the war,” + said a Chicago livery man to me, a short time ago. “General Sheridan + left him with us and instructed us to take good care of him, which we did, + but he got old at last, and his teeth failed upon him, and that busted his + digestion, and he kind of died of old age, I reckon.” + </p> + <p> + “How did General Sheridan take it?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, well, Phil Sheridan is no school girl. He didn't turn + away when old Rienzi died and weep the manger full of scalding regret. If + you know Sheridan, you know that he don't rip the blue dome of + heaven wide open with unavailing wails. He just told us to take care of + its remains, patted the old cuss on the head a little and walked off. Phil + Sheridan don't go around weeping softly into a pink bordered wipe + when a horse dies. He likes a good horse, but Rienzi was no Jay-Eye-See + for swiftness, and he wasn't the purtiest horse you ever see, by no + means.” + </p> + <p> + “Did you read lately how General Sheridan don't ride on + horseback since his old war horse died, and seems to have lost all + interest in horses?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I never did. He no doubt would rather ride in a cable car or a + carriage than to jar himself up on a horse. That's all likely + enough, but, as I say, he's a matter of fact little fighter from + Fighttown. He never stopped to snoot and paw up the ground and sob himself + into bronchitis over old Rienzi. He went right on about his business, and, + like old King What's-His-name he hollered for another hoss, and the + War Department never slipped a cog.” + </p> + <p> + Later on I read that the old war horse was called Winchester and that he + was still alive in a blue grass pasture in Kentucky. The report said that + old Winchester wasn't very coltish, and that he was evidently + failing. I gathered the idea that he was wearing store teeth, and that his + memory was a little deficient, but that he might live yet for years. After + that I met a New York livery stable prince, at whose palace General + Sheridan's well-known Winchester war horse died of botts in '71. + He told me all about it and how General Sheridan came on from Chicago at + the time, and held the horse's head in his lap while the fleet limbs + that flew from Winchester down and saved the day, stiffened in the great, + mysterious repose of death. He said Sheridan wept like a child, and as he + told the touching tale to me I wept also. I say I wept. I wept about a + quart, I would say. He said also that the horse's name wasn't + Winchester nor Rienzi; it was Jim. + </p> + <p> + I was sorry to know it. Jim is no name for a war horse who won a victory + and a marble bust and a poem. You can't respect a horse much if his + name was Jim. + </p> + <p> + After that I found out that General Sheridan's celebrated Winchester + horse was raised in Kentucky, also in Pennsylvania and Michigan; that he + went out as a volunteer private; that he was in the regular service prior + to the war, and that he was drafted, and that he died on the field of + battle, in a sorrel pasture, in '73, in great pain on Governor's + Island; that he was buried with Masonic honors by the Good Templars and + the Grand Army of the Republic; that he was resurrected by a medical + college and dissected; that he was cremated in New Orleans and taxidermed + for the Military Museum at New York. Every little while I run up against a + new fact relative to this noted beast. He has died in nine different + States, and been buried in thirteen different styles, while his soul goes + marching on. Evidently we live in an age of information. You can get more + information nowadays, such as it is, than you know what to do with. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0142" id="link2H_4_0142"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Circular. + </h2> + <p> + To my friends, regardless of party.—Many friends having solicited me + to apply for a foreign mission under the present administration, I have + finally consented to do so, and last week filed my application for such + missions as might still remain vacant. + </p> + <p> + To insure my appointment, much will remain for you to do. I now call upon + my friends to aid me by their united effort. I especially solicit the aid + of my friends who have repeatedly heretofore promised it to me while + drunk. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PLENTY OF CORRESPONDENCE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8379}.jpg" alt="{8379} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8379}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + You will see at a glance that I can only make the application. You must + support it by your petitions and letters. It would be of little use for + one man to write five thousand letters to the president, but if five + thousand people each write him a letter in which casual reference is made + to my social worth and 7-1/3 octave brain, it will make him pay attention. + </p> + <p> + My idea would be for each of my friends to set aside one day in each week + to write to the president, opening it in a chatty way by asking him if he + does not think we are having rather a backward spring, and what he is + doing for his cut worms now, and how his folks are, etc., etc. Then + gradually lead up to the statement that you think I would be an ornament + to the administration if I should go abroad and linger on a foreign strand + at $2,000 per linger and stationery. + </p> + <p> + This will keep the president properly stirred up, and cause him to earn + his salary. The effect will be to secure the appointment at last, as you + will see if you persevere. + </p> + <p> + I need not add that I will do what is right by my friends upon receiving + my commission. + </p> + <p> + Do not neglect this suggestion because it comes to you in the form of a + circular, but remember it and act upon it. Remember that, although the + president is stubborn as Sam Hill, he will at last yield to fatigue, and + when tired nature can hold out no longer, the last letter will drop from + his nerveless hand and he will surrender. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: NURSING THE FIERY STEED.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9380}.jpg" alt="{9380}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9380}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Some of you will urge that I have been an offensive partisan, but when you + come to think it over I have not been so all-fired partisan. There have + been days and days when it did not show itself very much. However, that is + not the point. I want your hearty indorsement and I want it to be entirely + voluntary, and if you do not give it, and give it freely and voluntarily, + you hadn't better ask me for any more favors. + </p> + <p> + All the newspapers most heartily indorse me. The <i>Rocky Mountain Whoop</i> + very truthfully says: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Nye called at our office yesterday and subscribed for our + paper. We are proud to add him to our list of paid-up subscribers, and + should he renew his subscription next year, paying in advance, we will + cheerfully refer to it among other startling news.” + </p> + <p> + I have a scrap-book full of such indorsements as this, and now, if my + friends will peel their coats and write as they should, I can make this + administration open its eyes. + </p> + <p> + Several papers in Iowa have alluded to my being in town, and referred to + the fact that I had paid my bills while there. But press indorsements + alone are not sufficient. What is needed is the written testimony of + friends and neighbors. No matter how poor or humble or worthless you may + be, write to Mr. Cleveland and tell him how much confidence you have in + me, and if you can call to mind any little acts of kindness, or any times + when I have got up in the night to give you a dollar, or nurse a colicky + horse for you, throw that in. Throw it in anyhow. It will do no harm, and + may do much good. + </p> + <p> + I can solemnly promise all my friends that if they will secure my + appointment to a foreign country for four years, I will not return during + that time. What more can I offer? I will stay longer if I am reappointed. + I would do anything for my friends. + </p> + <p> + Do not throw this circular carelessly aside. Read it carefully over and + act upon it. Some of you are poor spellers, and will try to get out of it + in that way. Others are in the penitentiary and cannot spare the time. But + to one and all I say, write, and write regularly, to the president. Do not + wait for a reply from him, because he is pretty busy now; but he will be + tickled to death to hear from you, and anything you say about me will give + him great pleasure. + </p> + <p> + N.B.—Please be careful not to inclose this circular in your letter + to the president. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0143" id="link2H_4_0143"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Photograph Habit. + </h2> + <p> + No doubt the photograph habit, when once formed, is one of the most + baneful, and productive of the most intense suffering in after years, of + any with which we are familiar. Some times it seems to me that my whole + life has been one long, abject apology for photographs that I have shed + abroad throughout a distracted country. + </p> + <p> + Man passes through seven distinct stages of being photographed, each one + exceeding all previous efforts in that line. + </p> + <p> + First he is photographed as a prattling, bald-headed baby, absolutely + destitute of eyes, but making up for this deficiency by a wealth of mouth + that would make a negro minstrel olive green with envy. We often wonder + what has given the average photographer that wild, hunted look about the + eyes and that joyless sag about the knees. The chemicals and the indoor + life alone have not done all this. It is the great nerve tension and + mental strain used in trying to photograph a squirming and dark red child + with white eyes, in such a manner as to please its parents. + </p> + <p> + An old-fashioned dollar store album with cerebro-spinal meningitis, and + filled with pictures of half-suffocated children in heavily-starched white + dresses, is the first thing we seek on entering a home, and the last thing + from which we reluctantly part. + </p> + <p> + The second stage on the downward road is the photograph of the boy with + fresh-cropped hair, and in which the stiff and protuberant thumb takes a + leading part. + </p> + <p> + Then follows the portrait of the lad, with strongly marked freckles and a + look of hopeless melancholy. With the aid of a detective agency, I have + succeeded in running down and destroying several of these pictures which + were attributed to me. + </p> + <p> + Next comes the young man, 21 years of age, with his front hair plastered + smoothly down over his tender, throbbing dome of thought. He does not care + so much about the expression on the mobile features, so long as his left + hand, with the new ring on it, shows distinctly, and the string of + jingling, jangling charms on his watch chain, including the cute little + basket cut out of a peach stone, stand out well in the foreground. If the + young man would stop to think for a moment that some day he may become + eminent and ashamed of himself, he would hesitate about doing this. + </p> + <p> + Soon after, he has a tintype taken in which a young lady sits in the + alleged grass, while he stands behind her with his hand lightly touching + her shoulder as though he might be feeling of the thrilling circumference + of a buzz saw. He carries this picture in his pocket for months, and looks + at it whenever he may be unobserved. + </p> + <p> + Then, all at once, he discovers that the young lady's hair is not + done up that way any more, and that her hat doesn't seem to fit her. + He then, in a fickle moment, has another tintype made, in which another + young woman, with a more recent hat and later coiffure, is discovered + holding his hat in her lap. + </p> + <p> + This thing continues, till one day he comes into the studio with his wife, + and tries to see how many children can be photographed on one negative by + holding one on each knee and using the older ones as a back-ground. + </p> + <p> + The last stage in his eventful career, the old gentleman allows himself to + be photographed, because he is afraid he may not live through another + long, hard winter, and the boys would like a picture of him while he is + able to climb the dark, narrow stairs which lead to the artist's + room. + </p> + <p> + Sadly the thought comes back to you in after years, when his grave is + green in the quiet valley, and the worn and weary hands that have toiled + for you are forever at rest, how patiently he submitted while his daughter + pinned the clean, stiff, agonizing white collar about his neck, and + brushed the velvet collar of his best coat; how he toiled up the long, + dark, lonesome stairs, not with the egotism of a half century ago, but + with the light of anticipated rest at last in his eyes—obediently, + as he would have gone to the dingy law office to have his will drawn—and + meekly left the outlines of his kind old face for those he loved and for + whom he had so long labored. + </p> + <p> + It is a picture at which the thoughtless may smile, but it is full of + pathos, and eloquent for those who knew him best. His attitude is stiff + and his coat hunches up in the back, but his kind old heart asserts itself + through the gentle eyes, and when he has gone away at last we do not + criticise the picture any more, but beyond the old coat that hunches up in + the back, and that lasted him so long, we read the history of a noble + life. + </p> + <p> + Silently the old finger-marked album, lying so unostentatiously on the + gouty centre table, points out the mile-stones from infancy to age, and + back of the mistakes of a struggling photographer is portrayed the + laughter and the tears, the joy and the grief, the dimples and the gray + hairs of one man's life-tine. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0144" id="link2H_4_0144"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Rosalinde. + </h2> + <p> + In answer to a former article relative to the dearth of woman here, we are + now receiving two to five letters per day from all classes and styles of + young, middle-aged and old women who desire to come to Wyoming. + </p> + <p> + Some of them would like to come here to work and obtain an honest + livelihood, and some of them desire to come here and marry cattle kings. + </p> + <p> + A recent letter from Michigan, written in lead pencil, and evidently + during hours when the writer should have been learning her geography + lesson, is very enthusiastic over the prospect of coming out here where + one girl can have a lover for every day in the week. She signs herself + Rosalinde, with a small r, and adds in a postscript that she “means + business.” + </p> + <p> + Yes, Rosalinde, that's what we are afraid of. We had a kind of a + vague fear that you meant business, so we did not reply to your letter. + Wyoming already has women enough who write with a lead pencil. We are also + pretty well provided with poor spellers, and we do not desire to ransack + Michigan for affectionate but sap-headed girls. + </p> + <p> + Stay in Michigan, Rosalinde, until we write to you, and one of these days + when you have been a mother eight or nine times, and as you stand in the + golden haze in the back yard, hanging out damp shirts on an uncertain + line, while your ripe and dewy mouth is stretched around a bass-wood + clothes pin, you will thank us for this advice. + </p> + <p> + Michigan is the place for you. It is the home of the Sweet Singer and the + abiding place of the Detroit <i>Free Press</i>. We can't throw any + such influences around you here as those you have at your own door. + </p> + <p> + Do not despair, Rosalinde. Some day a man, with a great, warm, manly heart + and a pair of red steers, will see you and love you, and he will take you + in his strong arms and protect you from the Michigan climate, just as + devotedly as any of our people here can. We do not wish to be + misunderstood in this matter. It is not as a lover that we have said so + much on the girl question, but in the domestic aid department, and when we + get a long letter from a young girl who eats slate pencils and reads Ouida + behind her atlas, we feel like going over there to Michigan with a trunk + strap and doing a little missionary work. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0145" id="link2H_4_0145"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Church Debt. + </h2> + <p> + I have been thinking the matter over seriously and I have decided that if + I had my life to live over again, I would like to be an eccentric + millionaire. + </p> + <p> + I have eccentricity enough, but I cannot successfully push it without more + means. + </p> + <p> + I have a great many plans which I would like to carry out, in case I could + unite the two necessary elements for the production of the successful + eccentric millionaire. + </p> + <p> + Among other things, I would be willing to bind myself and give proper + security to any one who would put in money to offset my eccentricity, that + I would ultimately die. We all know how seldom the eccentric millionaire + now dies. I would be willing to inaugurate a reform in that direction. + </p> + <p> + I think now that I would endow a home for men whose wives are no longer + able to support them. In many cases the wife who was at first able to + support her husband comfortably, finally shoulders a church debt, and in + trying to lift that she overworks and impairs her health so that she + becomes an invalid, while hor husband is left to pine away in solitude or + dependent on the cold charities of the world. + </p> + <p> + My heart goes out toward those men even now, and in case I should fill the + grave of the eccentric millionaire, I am sure that I would do the square + thing by them. + </p> + <p> + The method by which our wives in America are knocking the church debt + silly, by working up their husbands' groceries into “angel + food” and selling them below actual cost, is deserving of the + attention of our national financiers. + </p> + <p> + The church debt itself is deserving of notice in this country. It + certainly thrives better under a republican form of government than any + other feature of our boasted civilization. Western towns spring up + everywhere, and the first anxiety is to name the place, the second to + incur a church debt and establish a roller rink. + </p> + <p> + After that a general activity in trade is assured. Of course the general + hostility of church and rink will prevent <i>ennui</i> and listlessness, + and the church debt will encourage a business boom. Naturally the church + debt cannot be paid without what is generally known through the West as + the “festival and hooraw.” This festival is an open market + where the ladies trade the groceries of their husbands to other ladies' + husbands, and everybody has a “perfectly lovely time.” The + church clears $2.30, and thirteen ladies are sick all the next day. + </p> + <p> + This makes a boom for the physicians and later on for the undertaker and + general tombist. So it will be seen that the Western town is right in + establishing a church debt as soon as the survey is made and the town + properly named. After the first church debt has been properly started, + others will rapidly follow, so that no anxiety need be felt if the church + will come forward the first year and buy more than it can pay for. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PUGILISM IN RELIGION.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8387}.jpg" alt="{8387} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8387}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The church debt is a comparatively modern appliance, and yet it has been + productive of many peculiar features. For instance, we call to mind the + clergyman who makes a specialty of going from place to place as a + successful debt demolisher. He is a part of the general system, just as + much as the ice cream freezer or the buttonhole bouquet. + </p> + <p> + Then there is a row or social knock-down-and-drag-out which goes along + with the church debt. All these things add to the general interest, and to + acquire interest in one way or another is the mission of the c.d. + </p> + <p> + I once knew a most exemplary woman who became greatly interested in the + wiping out of a church debt, and who did finally succeed in wiping out the + debt, but in its last expiring death struggle it gave her a wipe from + which she never recovered. She had succeeded in begging the milk and the + cream, and the eggs and the sandwiches, and the use of the dishes and the + sugar, and the loan of an oyster, and the use of a freezer and fifty + button-hole bouquets to be sold to men who were not in the habit of + wearing bouquets, but she could not borrow a circular artist to revolve + the crank of the freezer, so she agitated it herself. Her husband had to + go away prior to the festivities, but he ordered her not to crank the + freezer. He had very little influence with her, however, and so to-day he + is a widower. The church debt was revived in the following year, and now + there isn't a more thriving church debt anywhere in the country. + Only last week that church traded off $75 worth of groceries, in the form + of asbestos cake and celluloid angel food, in such a way that if the + original cost of the groceries and the work were not considered, the clear + profit was $13, after the hall rent was paid. And why should the first + cost of the groceries be reckoned, when we stop to think that they were + involuntarily furnished by the depraved husband and father. + </p> + <p> + I must add, also, that in the above estimate doctors' bills and + funeral expenses are not reckoned. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0388}.jpg" alt="{0388}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0388}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0146" id="link2H_4_0146"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Collection of Keys. + </h2> + <p> + I'm getting to be quite a connoisseur of hotel keys as I get older. + For ten years I have been collecting these mementoes of travel and cording + them away in my key cabinet. Some have square brass tags attached to them, + others have round ones. Still others affect the octagonal, the fluted, the + hexagonal, the scalloped, the plain, the polished, the docorated, the + chaste, the Etruscan, the metropolitan, the rural, the cosmopolitan, the + shirred, the tucked, the biased, the high neck and long sleeve or the <i>decolette</i> + style of brass check. + </p> + <p> + I have, so far, paid my bills, but I have not returned the keys to my + room. Hotel proprietors will please take notice and govern themselves + accordingly. When my visit to a pleasant city has become a beautiful + memory only, I all at once sit down on something hard and find that it is + the key to my former room at the hotel. Sitting down on a key tag of + corrugated brass, as big as a buckwheat pancake, would remind most anyone + of something or other. + </p> + <p> + I generally leave my tooth-brush in my room and carry off the key as a + kind of involuntary swap, so far as the hotel proprietor is concerned, but + I do not think it is a mutual benefit, particularly. I cannot use the key + to a hotel 500 miles away, and so far as a tooth-brush is concerned, it + generally has pleasant associations only for the owner. A man is fond of + his own toothbrush, but it takes years for him to love the tooth-brush of + a stranger. + </p> + <p> + There are a good many associations attached to these keys, like the tags. + They point backward to the rooms to which the keys belong. Here is a fat + one that led to room number 33-1/2 in the Synagogue hotel. It was a + cheerful room, where the bell boy said an old man had asphyxiated himself + with gas the previous week. I had never met the old man before, but that + night, about 1 o'clock A.M., I had the pleasure of his acquaintance. + He came in a sad and reproachful way, and showed me how the post-mortem + people had disfigured him. Of course it was a little tough to be mutilated + by an inquest, but that's no reason why he should come back there + and occupy a room that I was paying for so that I could be alone. He + showed me how he blew out the gas, and told me how a man could + successfully blow down the muzzle of a shot-gun or a gas jet, but both of + these weapons had a way of blowing back. + </p> + <p> + I have a key that brings back to me the memory of a room that I lived in + two days at one time. I do not mean that I lived the two days at once, but + that at one period I occupied that room, partially, for two days and two + nights, I say I partially occupied it, because I used to occupy it days + and share it nights with others; that is, I tried to occupy it nights. I + tried to get the clerk to throw off something because I didn't have + the exclusive use of the room. He wouldn't throw off anything. He + even wanted to fight me because I said that the room was occupied before I + got it and after I left it. Finally, I told him that if he would throw a + bed quilt over his diamond, so I could see him, I would fight him with + buckwheat cakes at five-hundred miles. I took my position the next morning + at the place appointed, but he did not appear. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0147" id="link2H_4_0147"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Extracts from a Queen's Diary. + </h2> + <p> + January 1.—I awoke late this forenoon with a pain through the head + and a taste of ennui in the mouth, which I can hardly account for. Can it + be a result of the party last evening? I ween it may be so. We had a + lovely card party last evening. It was very enjoyable, indeed. Whist was + the game. + </p> + <p> + January 3.—Yesterday all day I was unable to leave my room, owing to + a headache and nervous prostration, caused by late hours and too much + company, the doctor said. It is too bad, and yet I do so much enjoy our + card parties and the excitement of the game. To-night I am to take part in + a little quiet game of draw poker, I think they call it. I have not had + any experience heretofore in the game, but trust I shall soon learn it. + There has been some talk about £1 ante and £5 limit. I do not exactly + understand the terms. I hope it does not mean anything wrong. + </p> + <p> + January 4.—Poker is an odd game, indeed. I think it quite exciting, + though at first the odd terms rather confused me. I had not been + accustomed to such phrases as “show down,” “bob-tail + flush,” and “King full.” I must ask Brown, as soon as + his knees are able to be out, to explain the meaning of these terms a + little more fully to me. If poor Brown's knees are not better soon, + I shall be on kneesy about him. {Here the diary has the appearance of + being blurred with tears.} A bob-tail flush, I learn, is something very + disagreeable to have. One gentleman said last evening that another + bob-tail flush would certainly paralyze him. I gather from that that it is + something like a hectic flush. I can understand the game called “old + sledge,” and have become quite familiar with such terms as “beg,” + “gimmeone,” “I've got the thin one,” “how + high is that?” “one horse on me,” “saw-off,” + etc., etc., but poker is full of surprises. It seems so odd to see a + gentleman “show out on a pair of deuces” and gather in upward + of two pounds with great merriment, while the remainder of the party seem + quite bored. One gentleman last evening showed out on a full hand with + “treys at the head,” putting £3 12s. in his purse with great + glee, while another one of the party who had not shown up, but I am + positive had a better hand, became so angered that he got up and kicked + four front teeth out of the mouth of a favorite dog worth £20. I took part + in a spade flush during the evening and was quite successful, so that I + can easily pay my traveling expenses and have a few shillings to buy + ointment for poor Brown. It was my first winning, and made me quiver all + over with excitement. The game is already very fascinating to me, and I am + becoming passionately fond of it. + </p> + <p> + January 6.—I have just learned fully what a bob-tail flush is. It + cost me £50. I like information, but I do not like to buy it when it comes + so high. I drew two to fill in a heart flush last evening, and advanced + the money to back up my judgment; but one of the hearts I drew was a club, + which was entirely useless to me. I have sent out a sheriff with a bulldog + to ascertain if he can find the whereabouts of the party who started this + poker game, I do not know when I have felt so bored. After that I was so + timid that I allowed a friend to walk off with £2 on a pair of deuces. I + said to him that I called that a deuced bore, and he laughed heartily. + </p> + <p> + I find that you should not be too ready to show by your countenance + whether you are bored or pleased in poker. Tour opponent will take + advantage of it and play accordingly. It cost me £8 10s. to acquire a + knowledge of this fact. If all the information I ever got had cost me as + much as this poker wisdom, I would not now have two pennies to jingle + together in my purse. Still, we have had a good time, take it all in all, + and I shall not soon forget the evenings we have spent here together + buying knowledge regardless of cost. I think I shall try to control my + wild thirst for information awhile, however, till I can get some more + funds. + </p> + <p> + {Here the diary breaks off abruptly, and on turning the book over we find + the royal signature at the foot of the last page, “The Queen of + Spades."} + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0148" id="link2H_4_0148"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Shorts. + </h2> + <p> + A Colorado burro has been shipped across the Atlantic and presented to the + Prince of Wales. It is a matter of profound national sorrow that this was + not the first American jackass presented to his Tallness, the Prince. + </p> + <p> + At Omaha last week a barrel of sauer kraut rolled out of a wagon and + struck O'Leary H. Oleson, who was trying to unload it, with such + force as to kill him instantly and to flatten him out like a kiln-dried + codfish. Still, after thousands of such instances on record, there are + many scientists who maintain that sauer kraut is conducive to longevity. + </p> + <p> + As an evidence of the healthfulness of mountain climate, the people of + Denver point to a man who came there in '77 without flesh enough to + bait a trap, and now he puts sleeves in an ordinary feather-bed and pulls + it on over his head for a shirt. People in poor health who wish to + communicate with the writer in relation to the facts above stated, are + requested to enclose two unlicked postage stamps to insure a reply. + </p> + <p> + At Ubet, M.T., during the cold snap in January, one of the most inhuman + outrages known in the annals of crime was perpetrated upon a young man who + went West in the fall, hoping to make his pile in time to return in May + and marry the New York heiress selected before he went. + </p> + <p> + While stopping at the hotel, two frolicsome young women hired the porter + to procure the young man's pantaloons at dead of night They then + sewed up the bottoms of the legs, threw the doctored garment back through + the transom and squealed “Fire!” + </p> + <p> + When he got into the hall he was vainly trying to stab one foot through + the limb of his pantaloons while he danced around on the other and joined + in the general cry of “Fire!” The hall seemed filled with + people, who were running this way and that, ostensibly seeking a mode of + egress from the flames, but in reality trying to dodge the mad efforts of + the young man, who was trying to insert himself in his obstinate + pantaloons. + </p> + <p> + He did not tumble, as it were, until the night watchman got a Babcock fire + extinguisher and played on him. I do not know what he played on him. Very + likely it was, “Sister, what are the wild waves saying?” + </p> + <p> + Anyway, he staggered into his room, and although he could hear the + audience outside in their wild, tumultuous encore, he refused to come + before the curtain, but locked his door and sobbed himself to sleep, + </p> + <p> + How often do we forget the finer feelings of others and ignore their + sorrow while we revel in some great joy. + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0394}.jpg" alt="{0394}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0394}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0149" id="link2H_4_0149"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + “We.” + </h2> + <p> + The world is full of literary people to-day, and they are divided into + three classes, viz: Those who have written for the press, those who are + writing for the press, and those who want to write for the press. Of the + first, there are those who tried it and found that they could make more in + half the time at something else, and so quit the field, and those who + failed to touch the great heart and pocketbook of the public, and + therefore subsided. Those who are writing for the press now, whether + putting together copy by the mile within the sound of the rumbling engine + and press, or scattered through the country writing more at their leisure, + find that they have to lay aside every weight and throw off all the + incumbrances of the mossy past. + </p> + <p> + One thing, however, still clings to the editor like a dab of paste on a + white vest or golden fleck of scrambled egg on a tawny moustache. One + relic of barbarism rears in gaunt form amid the clash and hurry and rush + of civilization, and in the dazzling light of science and smartness. + </p> + <p> + It is “we.” + </p> + <p> + The budding editor of the rural civilizer for the first time peels his + coat and sharpens his pencil to begin the work of changing the great + current of public opinion. He is strong in his desire to knock error and + wrong galley west. He has buckled on his armor to paralyze monopoly and + purify the ballot He has hitched up his pantaloons with a noble resolve + and covered his table with virgin paper. + </p> + <p> + He is young, and he is a little egotistical, also. He wants to say, + “I believe” so and so, but he can't. Perspiration breaks + out all over him. He bites his pencil, and looks up with his clenched hand + in his hair. The slimy demon of the editor's life is there, sitting + on the cloth bound volume containing the report of the United States + superintendent of swine diseases. + </p> + <p> + Wherever you find a young man unloading a Washington hand press to fill a + long-felt want, there you will find the ghastly and venomous “we,” + ready to look over the shoulder of the timid young mental athlete. + Wherever you find a ring of printer's ink around the door knob, and + the snowy towel on which the foreman wipes the pink tips of his alabaster + fingers, you will find the slimy, scaly folds of “we” curled + up in some neighboring corner. + </p> + <p> + From the huge metropolitan journal, whose subscribers could make or bust a + president, or make a blooming king wish he had never been born, down to + the obscure and unknown dodger whose first page is mostly electrotype + head, whose second and third pages are patent, whose news is eloquent of + the dear dead past, whose fourth page ushers in a new baby, or heralds the + coming of the circus, or promulgates the fact that its giant editor has a + felon on his thumb, the trail of the serpent “we” is over them + all. It is all we have to remind us of royalty in America, with the + exception, perhaps, of the case now and then where a king full busts a + bob-tail flush. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0150" id="link2H_4_0150"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Mountain Snowstorm. + </h2> + <p> + September does not always indicate golden sunshine, and ripening corn, and + old gold pumpkin pies on the half-shell. We look upon it as the month of + glorious perfection in the handiwork of the seasons and the time when the + ripened fruits are falling; when the red sun hides behind the bronze and + misty evening, and says good night with reluctance to the beautiful + harvests and the approaching twilight of the year. + </p> + <p> + It was on a red letter day of this kind, years ago, that Wheeler and + myself started out under the charge of Judge Blair and Sheriff Baswell to + visit the mines at Last Chance, and more especially the Keystone, a gold + mine that the Judge had recently become president of. The soft air of + second summer in the Rocky Mountains blew gently past our ears as we rode + up the valley of the Little Laramie, to camp the first night at the head + of the valley behind Sheep Mountain. The whole party was full of joy. Even + Judge Blair, with the frosts of over sixty winters in his hair, broke + forth into song. That's the only thing I ever had against Judge + Blair. He would forget himself sometimes and burst forth into song. + </p> + <p> + The following day we crossed the divide and rode down the gulch into the + camp on Douglass Creek, where the musical thunder of the stamp mills + seemed to jar the ground, and the rapid stream below bore away on its + turbid bosom the yellowish tinge of the golden quartz. It was a perfect + day, and Wheeler and I blessed our stars and, instead of breathing the air + of sour paste and hot presses in the newspaper offices, away in the + valley, we were sprawling in the glorious sunshine of the hills, playing + draw poker with the miners in the evening, and forgetful of the daily + newspaper where one man does the work and the other draws the salary. It + was heaven. It was such luxury that we wanted to swing our hats and yell + like Arapahoes. + </p> + <p> + The next morning we were surprised to find that it had snowed all night + and was snowing still. I never saw such flakes of snow in my life. They + came sauntering through the air like pure, white Turkish towels falling + from celestial clothes-lines. We did not return that day. We played a few + games of chance, but they were brief. We finally made it five cent ante, + and, as I was working then for an alleged newspaper man who paid me $50 + per month to edit his paper nights and take care of his children daytimes, + I couldn't keep abreast of the Judge, the Sheriff and the + Superintendent of the Keystone. + </p> + <p> + The next day we had to go home. The snow lay ankle-deep everywhere and the + air was chilly and raw. Wheeler and I tried to ride, but the mountain road + was so rough that the horses could barely move through the snow, dragging + the buggy after them. So we got out and walked on ahead to keep warm. We + gained very fast on the team, for we were both long-legged and measured + off the miles like a hired man going to dinner. I wore a pair of + glove-fitting low shoes and lisle-thread socks. I can remember that yet. I + would advise anyone going into the mines not to wear lisle-thread socks + and low shoes. You are liable to stick your foot into a snow-bank or a mud + hole and dip up too much water. I remember that after we had walked + through the pine woods down the mountain road a few miles, I noticed that + the bottoms of my pantaloons looked like those of a drowned tramp I saw + many years ago in the morgue. We gave out after a while, waited for the + team, but decided that it had gone the other road. All at once it flashed + over us that we were alone in the woods and the storm, wet, nearly + starved, ignorant of the road and utterly worn out! + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: IT WAS TOUGH.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9398}.jpg" alt="{9398}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9398}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + It was tough! + </p> + <p> + I never felt so blue, so wet, so hungry, or so hopeless in my life. We + moved on a little farther. All at once we came out of the timber. There + was no snow whatever! At that moment the sun burst forth, we struck a + deserted supply wagon, found a two-pound can of Boston baked beans, got an + axe from the load, chopped open the can, and had just finished the + tropical fruit of Massachusetts when our own team drove up, and joy and + hope made their homes once more in our hearts. + </p> + <p> + We may learn from this a valuable lesson, but at this moment I do not know + exactly what it is. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0151" id="link2H_4_0151"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Lost Money. + </h2> + <p> + Most anyone could collect and tell a good many incidents about lost money + that has been found, if he would try, but these cases came under my own + observation and I can vouch for their truth. + </p> + <p> + A farmer in the Kinnekinnick Valley was paid $1,000 while he was loading + hay. He put it in his vest pocket, and after he had unloaded the hay he + discovered that he had lost it, and no doubt had pitched the whole load + into the mow on top of it. He went to work and pitched it all out, a + handful at a time, upon the barn floor, and when the hired man's + fork tine came up with a $100 bill on it he knew they had struck a lead. + He got it all. + </p> + <p> + A man gave me two $5 bills once to pay a balance on some store teeth and + asked me to bring the teeth back with me. The dentist was fifteen miles + away and when I got there I found I had lost the money. That was before I + had amassed much of a fortune, so I went to the tooth foundry and told the + foreman that I had started with $10 to get a set of teeth for an intimate + friend, but had lost the funds. He said that my intimate friend would, no + doubt, have to gum it awhile. Owing to the recent shrinkage in values he + was obliged to sell teeth for cash, as the goods were comparatively + useless after they had been used one season. I went back over the same + road the next day and found the money by the side of the road, although a + hundred teams had passed by it. + </p> + <p> + A young man, one spring, plowed a pocket-book and $30 in greenbacks under, + and by a singular coincidence the next spring it was plowed out, and, + though rotten clear through, was sent to the Treasury, where it was + discovered that the bills were on a Michigan National Bank, whither they + were sent and redeemed. + </p> + <p> + I lost a roll of a hundred dollars the spring of '82, and hunted my + house and the office through, in search for it, in vain. I went over the + road between the office and the house twenty times, but it was useless. I + then advertised the loss of the money, giving the different denominations + of the bills and stating, as was the case, that there was an elastic band + around the roll when lost. The paper had not been issued more than an hour + before I got my money, every dollar of it. It was in the pocket of my + other vest. + </p> + <p> + This should teach us, first, the value of advertising, and, secondly, the + utter folly of two vests at the same time. + </p> + <p> + Apropos of recent bank failures, I want to tell this one on James S. + Kelley, commonly called “Black Jim.” He failed himself along + in the fifties, and by a big struggle had made out to pay everybody but Lo + Bartlett, to whom he was indebted in the sum of $18. He got this money, + finally, and as Lo wasn't in town, Black Jim put it in a bank, the + name of which has long ago sunk into oblivion. In fact, it began the + oblivion business about forty-eight hours after Jim had put his funds in + there. + </p> + <p> + Meeting Lo on the street, Jim said: + </p> + <p> + “Your money is up in the Wild Oat Bank, Lo. I'll give you a + check for it.” + </p> + <p> + “No use, old man, she's gone up.” + </p> + <p> + “No!!” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, she's a total wreck.” + </p> + <p> + Jim went over to the president's room. He knocked as easy as he + could, considering that his breath was coming so hard. + </p> + <p> + “Who's there?” + </p> + <p> + “It's Jim Kelley, Black Jim, and I'm in something of a + hurry.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'm very busy, Mr. Kelley. Come again this afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + “That will be too remote. I am very busy myself. Now is the accepted + time. Will you open the door or shall I open it.” + </p> + <p> + The president opened it because it was a good door and he wanted to + preserve it. + </p> + <p> + Black Jim turned the key in the door and sat down. + </p> + <p> + “What did you want of me?” says the president + </p> + <p> + “I wanted to see you about a certificate of deposit I've got + here on your bank for eighteen dollars.” + </p> + <p> + “We can't pay it. Everything is gone.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I am here to get $18 or to leave you looking like a giblet + pie. Eighteen dollars will relieve you of this mental strain, but if you + do not put up I will paper this wall with your classic features and ruin + the carpet with what remains.” + </p> + <p> + The president hesitated a moment. Then he took a roll out of his boot and + paid Jim eighteen dollars. + </p> + <p> + “You will not mention this on the street, of course,” said the + president. + </p> + <p> + “No,” says Jim, “not till I get there.” + </p> + <p> + When the crowd got back, however, the president had fled and he has + remained fled ever since. The longer he remained away and thought it over, + the more he became attached to Canada, and the more of a confirmed and + incurable fugitive he became. + </p> + <p> + I saw Black Jim last evening and he said he had passed through two bank + failures, but had always realized on his certificates of deposit. One + cashier told Jim that he was the homeliest man that ever looked through + the window of a busted bank. He said Kelley looked like a man who ate bank + cashiers on toast and directors raw with a slice of lemon on top. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0152" id="link2H_4_0152"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Dr. Dizart's Dog. + </h2> + <p> + A man whose mother-in-law had been successfully treated by the doctor, one + day presented him with a beautiful Italian hound named Nemesis. + </p> + <p> + When I say that the able physician had treated the mother-in-law + successfully, I mean successfully from her son-in-law's standpoint, + and not from her own, for the doctor insisted on treating her for + small-pox when she had nothing but an attack of agnostics. She is now + sitting on the front stoop of the golden whence. + </p> + <p> + So, after the last sad rites, the broken-hearted son-in-law presented the + physician with a handsome hound with long, slender legs and a wire tail, + as a token of esteem and regard. + </p> + <p> + The dog was young and playful, as all young dogs are, so he did many + little tricks which amused almost everyone. + </p> + <p> + One day, while the doctor was away administering a subcutaneous injection + of morphine to a hay-fever patient, he left Nemesis in the office alone + with a piece of rag-carpet and his surging thoughts. + </p> + <p> + At first Nemesis closed his eyes and breathed hard, then he arose and ate + part of an ottoman, then he got up and scratched the paper off the office + wall and whined in a sad tone of voice. + </p> + <p> + A young Italian hound has a peculiarly sad and depressing song. + </p> + <p> + Then Nemesis got up on the desk and poured the ink and mucilage into one + of the drawers on some bandages and condition-powders that the doctor used + in his horse-practice. + </p> + <p> + Nemesis then looked out of the window and wailed. He filled the room with + robust wail and unavailing regret. + </p> + <p> + After that he tried to dispel his <i>ennui</i> with one of the doctor's + old felt hats that hung on a chair; but the hair oil with which it was + saturated changed his mind. + </p> + <p> + The doctor had magenta hair, and to tone it down so that it would not + raise the rate of fire insurance on his office, he used to execute some + studies on it in oil—bear's oil. + </p> + <p> + This gave his hair a rich mahogany shade, and his hat smelled and looked + like an oil refinery. + </p> + <p> + That is the reason Nemesis spared the hat, and ate a couple of + porousplasters that his master was going to use on a case of croup. + </p> + <p> + At that time the doctor came in, and the dog ran to him with a glad cry of + pleasure, rubbing his cold nose against his master's hand. The able + veterinarian spoke roughly to Nemesis, and throwing a cigar-stub at him, + broke two of the animal's delicate legs. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: BUSTLE AND CONFUSION.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0403}.jpg" alt="{0403}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0403}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + After that there was a low discordant murmur and the angry hum of medical + works, lung-testers, glass jars containing tumors and other bric-a-brac, + paper-weights and Italian grayhound bisecting the orbit of a redheaded + horse-physician with dude shoes. + </p> + <p> + When the police came in, it was found that Nemesis had jumped through a + glass door and escaped on two legs and his ear. + </p> + <p> + Out through the autumnal haze, across the intervening plateau, over the + low foot-hills, and up the Medicine Bow Range, on and ever onward sped the + timid, grieved and broken-hearted pup, accumulating with wonderful + eagerness the intervening distance between himself and the cruel promoter + of the fly-blister and lingering death. + </p> + <p> + How often do we thoughtlessly grieve the hearts of those who love us, and + drive forth into the pitiless world those who would gladly lick our hands + with their warm loving tongues, or warm their cold noses in the meshes of + our necks. + </p> + <p> + How prone we are to forget the devotion of a dumb brute that thoughtlessly + eats our lace lambrequins, and ere we have stopped to consider our mad + course, we have driven the loving heart and the warm wet tongue and the + cold little black nose out of our home-life, perhaps into the cold, cold + grave or the bleak and relentless pound. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0153" id="link2H_4_0153"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Chinese Justice. + </h2> + <p> + They do things differently in China. Here in America, when a man burgles + your residence, you go and confide in a detective, who keeps your secret + and gets another detective to help him. Generally that is the last of it. + In China, not long ago, the house of a missionary was entered and + valuables taken by the thieves. The missionary went to the authorities + with his tale and told them whom he suspected. That's the last he + heard of that for three weeks. Then he received a covered champagne basket + from the Department of Justice. On opening it he found the heads of the + suspected burglars packed in tinfoil and in a good state of preservation. + These heads were not sent necessarily for publication, but as an evidence + of good faith on the part of the Department of Unimpeded Justice. Mind + you, there was no postponement of the preliminary examination, no dilatory + motions and changes of venue, no pleas to the jurisdiction of the court, + no legal delays and final challenges of jurors until an idiotic jury had + been procured who hadn't read the papers, no ruling out of damaging + testimony, and finally filing of bill of exceptions, no appeal and delay, + or appeal afterward to another court which returned the defendant to the + court of original jurisdiction for review, and years of waiting for the + prosecuting witnesses to die of old age and thus release the defendant. + There is nothing of that kind in China. You just hand in your orders to + the judicial end of the administration, and then you retire. Later on, the + delivery man brings in your package of heads, makes a salaam, and goes + away. + </p> + <p> + Now, this is swift and speedy justice for you. I don't know how the + guilt of the defendants is arrived at, but there's nothing tedious + about it. At least, there's nothing tedious to the complainant I + presume they make it red-hot for the criminal. + </p> + <p> + Still this style of justice has its drawbacks. For instance, you are at + dinner. You have a large and select company dining with you. You are about + to carve the roast There is a ring at the door. The servant announces that + a judicial officer is at the drawbridge and desires to speak with you. You + pull your napkin out of your bosom, lay the carving knife down on the + virgin table cloth, and go to the door. There the minister of justice + presents you with a champagne basket and retires. You return to the dining + hall, leaving your basket on the sideboard. After a while you announce to + your guests that you have just received a basket of Mumm's extra dry + with the compliments of the government, and that you will, with the + permission of those present, open a bottle. You arm yourself with a + corkscrew, open the basket, and thoughtlessly tip it over, when two or + three human heads, with a pained and grieved expression on the face, roll + out on the table. + </p> + <p> + When you are looking for a quart bottle of sparkling wine and find instead + the cold, sad features and reproachful stare of the extremely deceased and + <i>hic jacet</i> Chinaman, you naturally betray your chagrin. I like to + see justice moderately swift, and, in fact I've seen it pretty + forthwith in its movements two or three times; but I cannot say that I + would be prepared for this style. + </p> + <p> + Perhaps I'm getting a little nervous in my old age, and a small + matter jars my equilibrium; but I'm sure a basket of heads handed in + as I was seated at the table would startle me a little at first, and I + might forget myself. + </p> + <p> + A friend of mine, under such circumstances, made what the English would + call “a doosed clevah” remark once in Shanghai. When he opened + the basket he was horrified, but he was cool. He was old sang froid from + Sangfroidville. He first took the basket and started for the back room, + with the remark: “My friends, I guess you will have to ex-queuese + me.” Then he pulled down his eyelids and laughed a hoarse English + laugh. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0154" id="link2H_4_0154"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Answers to Correspondents. + </h2> + <p> + Caller—Your calling cards should be modest as to size and neatly + engraved, with an extra flourish. + </p> + <p> + In calling, there are two important things to be considered: First, when + to call, and, second, when to rise and hang on the door handle. + </p> + <p> + Some make one-third of the call before rising, and then complete the call + while airing the house and holding the door open, while others consider + this low and vulgar, making at least one-fourth of the call in the hall, + and one-half between the front door and the gate. Different authorities + differ as to the proper time for calling. Some think you should not call + before 3 or after 5 P.M., but if you have had any experience and had + ordinary sense to start with, you will know when to call as soon as you + look at your hand. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8407}.jpg" alt="{8407} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8407}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Amateur Prize Fighter.—The boxing glove is a large upholstered + buckskin mitten, with an abnormal thumb and a string by which it is + attached to the wrist, so that when you feed it to an adversary he cannot + swallow it and choke himself. There are two kinds of gloves, viz., hard + gloves and soft gloves. + </p> + <p> + I once fought with soft gloves to a finish with a young man who was far my + inferior intellectually, but he exceeded me in brute force and knowledge + of the use of the gloves. He was not so tall, but he was wider than + myself. Longitudinally he was my inferior, but latitudinally he + outstripped me. We did not fight a regular prize-fight. It was just done + for pleasure. But I do not think we should abandon ourselves entirely to + pleasure. It is enervating, and makes one eye swell up and turn blue. + </p> + <p> + I still think that a young man ought to have a knowledge of the manly art + of self-defense, and if I could acquire such a knowledge without getting + into a fight about it I would surely learn how to defend myself. + </p> + <p> + The boxing glove is worn on the hand of one party, and on the gory nose of + the other party as the game progresses. Soft gloves very rarely kill + anyone, unless they work down into the bronchial tubes and shut off the + respiration. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “HE EXCEEDED ME IN BRUTE FORCE."} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8408}.jpg" alt="{8408} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8408}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Lecturer, New York City.—You need not worry so much about your + costume until you have written your lecture, and it would be a good idea + to test the public a little, if possible, before you do much expensive + printing. Your idea seems to be that a man should get a fine lithograph of + himself and a $100 suit of clothes, and then write his lecture to fit the + lithograph and the clothes. That is erroneous. + </p> + <p> + You say that you have written a part of your lecture, but do not feel + satisfied with it. In this you will no doubt find many people will agree + with you. + </p> + <p> + You could wear a full dress suit of black with propriety, or a Prince + Albert coat, with your hand thrust into the bosom of it. I once lectured + on the subject of phrenology in the southern portion of Utah, being at + that time temporarily busted, but still hoping to tide over the dull times + by delivering a lecture on the subject of “Brains, and how to detect + their presence.” I was not supplied with a phrenological bust at + that time, and as such a thing is almost indispensable, I borrowed a young + man from Provost and induced him to act as bust for the evening. He did so + with thrilling effect, taking the entire gross receipts of the lecture + course from my coat pocket while I was illustrating the effect of + alcoholic stimulants on the raw brain of an adult in a state of health. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: MAKING REPAIRS.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9408}.jpg" alt="{9408}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9408}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + You can remove spots of egg from your full dress suit with ammonia and + water, applied by means of a common nail brush. You do not ask for this + recipe, but, judging from your style, I hope that it may be of use to you. + </p> + <p> + Martin F. Tupper, Texas.—The poem to which you allude was written by + Julia A. Moore, better known as the Sweet Singer of Michigan. The last + stanza was something like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “My childhood days are past and gone, + And it fills my heart with pain, + To think that youth will nevermore + Return to me again. + And now, kind friends, what I have wrote, + I hope you will pass o'er + And not criticise as some has hitherto here— + before done.” + </pre> + <p> + Miss Moore also wrote a volume of poems which the farmers of Michigan are + still using on their potato bugs. She wrote a large number of poems, all + more or less saturated with grief and damaged syntax. She is now said to + be a fugitive from justice. We should learn from this that we cannot evade + the responsibility of our acts, and those who write obituary poetry will + one day be overtaken by a bob-tail sleuth hound or a Siberian nemesis with + two rows of teeth. + </p> + <p> + Alonzo G., Smithville.—Yes, you can learn three card monte without a + master. It is very easy. The book will cost you twenty-five cents and then + you can practice on various people. The book is a very small item, you + will find, after you have been practicing awhile. Three card monte and + justifiable homicide go hand in hand. 2. You can turn a jack from the + bottom of the pack in the old sledge, if you live in some States, but west + of the Missouri the air is so light that men who have tried it have + frequently waked up on the shore of eternity with a half turned jack in + their hand, and a hole in the cerebellum the size of an English walnut. + </p> + <p> + You can get “Poker and Three Card Monte without a Master” for + sixty cents, with a coroner's verdict thrown in. If you contemplate + a career as a monte man, you should wear a pair of low, loose shoes that + you can kick off easily, unless you want to die with your boots on. + </p> + <p> + Henry Ubet, Montana.—No, you are mistaken in your assumption that + Socrates was the author of the maxim to which you allude. It is of more + modern origin, and, in fact, the sentence of which you speak, viz: “What + a combination of conflicting and paradoxical assertions is life? Of what + use are logic and argument when we find the true inwardness of the bologna + sausage on the outside?” were written by a philosopher who is still + living. I am willing to give Socrates credit for what he has said and + done, but when I think of a sentiment that is worthy to be graven on a + monolith and passed on down to prosperity, I do not want to have it + attributed to such men as Socrates. + </p> + <p> + Leonora Vivian Gobb, Oleson's Forks, Ariz.—Yes. You can turn + the front breadths, let out the tucks in the side plaiting and baste on a + new dagoon where you caught the oyster stew in your lap at the party. You + could also get trusted for a new dress, perhaps. But that is a matter of + taste. Some dealers are wearing their open accounts long this winter and + some are not. Do as you think best about cleaning the dress. Benzine will + sometimes eradicate an oyster stew from dress goods. It will also + eradicate everyone in the room at the same time. I have known a pair of + rejuvenated kid gloves to break up a funeral that started out with every + prospect of success. Benzine is an economical thing to use, but socially + it is not up to the standard. Another idea has occurred to me, however. + Why not riprap the skirt, calk the solvages, readjust the box plaits, cat + stitch the crown sheet, file down the gores, sandpaper the gaiters and + discharge the dolman. You could then wear the garment anywhere in the + evening, and half the people wouldn't know anything had happened to + it. + </p> + <p> + James, Owatonna, Minn.—You can easily teach yourself to play on the + tuba. You know what Shakespeare says: “Tuba or not tuba? That's + the question.” + </p> + <p> + How true this is? It touches every heart. It is as good a soliliquy as I + ever read. P.S.—Please do not swallow the tuba while practicing and + choke yourself to death. It would be a shame for you to swallow a nice new + tuba and cast a gloom over it so that no one else would ever want to play + on it again. + </p> + <p> + Florence.—You can stimulate your hair by using castor oil three + ounces, brandy one ounce. Put the oil on the sewing machine, and absorb + the brandy between meals. The brandy will no doubt fly right to your head + and either greatly assist your hair or it will reconcile you to your lot. + The great attraction about brandy as a hair tonic is, that it should not + build up the thing. If you wish, you may drink the brandy and then breathe + hard on the scalp. This will be difficult at first but after awhile it + will not seem irksome. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0155" id="link2H_4_0155"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Great Sacrifice of Bric-a-brac. + </h2> + <p> + Parties desiring to buy a job-lot of garden tools, will do well to call + and examine my stock. These implements have been but slightly used, and + are comparatively as good as new. The lot consists in part of the + following: + </p> + <p> + One three-cornered hoe, Gothic in its architecture and in good running + order. It is the same one I erroneously hoed up the carnation with, and + may be found, I think, behind the barn, where I threw it when I discovered + my error. Original cost of hoe, six bits. Will be closed out now at two + bits to make room for new goods. + </p> + <p> + Also one garden rake, almost as good as new. One front tooth needs + filling, and then it will be as good as ever. I sell this weapon, not so + much to get rid of it, but because I do not want it any more. I shall not + garden any next spring. I do not need to. I began it to benefit my health, + and my health is now so healthy that I shall not require the open-air + exercise incident to gardening any more. In fact, I am too robust, if + anything. I will, therefore, acting upon the advice of my royal physician, + close this rake out, since the failure of the Northwestern Car Company, at + 50 cents on the dollar. + </p> + <p> + Also one lawn-mower, only used once. At that time I cut down what grass I + had on my lawn, and three varieties of high-priced rose bushes. It is one + of the most hardy open-air lawn-mowers now made. It will outlive any other + lawn-mower, and be firm and unmoved when all the shrubbery has gone to + decay. You can also mow your peony bed with it, if you desire. I tried it. + This is also an easy running lawn-mower, I would recommend it to any man + who would like to soak his lawn with perspiration. I mowed my lawn, and + then pushed a street-car around in the afternoon to relax my over-strained + muscles. I will sacrifice this lawn-mower at three-quarters of its + original cost, owing to depression in the stock of the New Jerusalem gold + mine, of which I am a large owner and cashier-at-large. + </p> + <p> + Will also sell a bright new spade, only used two hours spading for + angle-worms. This is a good, early-blooming and very hardy angle-worm + spade, built in the Doric style of architecture. Persons desiring a spade + flush, and lacking one spade to “fill,” will do well to give + me a call. No trouble to show the goods. + </p> + <p> + I will also part with a small chest of carpenter's tools, only + slightly used. I had intended to do a good deal of amateur carpenter work + this summer, but, as the presidential convention occurs in June, and I + shall have to attend to that, and as I have already sawed up a Queen Anne + chair, and thoughtlessly sawed into my leg, I shall probably sacrifice the + tools. These tools are all well made, and I do not sell them to make money + on them, but because I have no use for them. I feel as though these tools + would be safer in the hands of a carpenter. I'm no carpenter. My + wife admitted that when I sawed a board across the piano-stool and sawed + the what-do-you-call-it all out of the cushion. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: OPEN-AIR EXERCISE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0412}.jpg" alt="{0412}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0412}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Anyone desiring to monkey with the carpenter's trade, will do well + to consult my catalogue and price-list. I will throw in a white holly + corner-bracket, put together with fence nails, and a rustic settee that + looks like the Cincinnati riot. Young men who do not know much, and + invalids whose minds have become affected, are cordially invited to call + and examine goods. For a cash trade I will also throw in arnica, + court-plaster and salve enough to run the tools two weeks, if ordinary + care be taken. + </p> + <p> + If properly approached, I might also be wheedled into sacrificing an + easy-running domestic wheelbarrow. I have domesticated it myself and + taught it a great many tricks. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0157" id="link2H_4_0157"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Convention. + </h2> + <p> + The officers and members of the Home for Disabled Butter and Hoary-headed + Hotel Hash met at their mosque last Saturday evening, and, after the roll + call, reading of the moments of the preceding meeting by the Secretary, + singing of the ode and examination of all present to ascertain if they + were in possession of the quarterly password, explanation and signs of + distress, the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi, having reached the order of + communications and new business and good of the order, stated that the + society was now ready to take action, or, at least, to discuss the + feasibility of holding a series of entertainments at the rink. These + entertainments had been proposed as a means of propping up the tottering + finances of the society, and procuring much-needed funds for the purpose + of purchasing new regalia for the Most Esteemed Duke of the Dishrag and + the Most Esteemed Hired Man, each of whom had been wearing the same red + calico collar and cheese-cloth sash since the organization of the society. + Funds were also necessary to pay for a brother who had walked through a + railroad trestle into the shoreless sea of eternity, and whose widow had a + policy of $135.25 against this society on the life of her husband. + </p> + <p> + Various suggestions were made; among them was the idea advanced by the + Most Highly Esteemed Inside Door-Slammer that, as the society's + object was, of course, to obtain funds, would it not be well to consider, + in the first place, whether it would not be as well for the Most Esteemed + Toolymuckahi to appoint six brethren in good standing to arm themselves + with great care, gird up their loins and muzzle the pay-car as it started + out on its mission. He simply offered this as a suggestion, and, as it was + a direct method of securing the coin necessary, he would move that such a + committee be appointed by the Chair to wait on the pay-car and draw on it + at sight. + </p> + <p> + The Most Esteemed Keeper of the Cork-screw seconded the motion, in order, + as he said, to get it before the house. This brought forward very hot + discussion, pending which the presiding officer could see very plainly + that the motion was unpopular. + </p> + <p> + A visiting brother from Yellowstone Park Creamery No. 17, stated that in + their society “an entertainment of this kind had been given for the + purpose of pouring a flood of wealth into the coffers of the society, and + it had been fairly successful. Among the attractions there had been + nothing of an immoral or lawless nature whatever. In the first place, a + kind of farewell oyster gorge had been given, with cove oysters as a + basis, and $2 a couple as an after-thought. A can of cove oysters + entertained thirty people and made $30 for the society. Besides, it was + found after the party had broken up that, owing to the adhesive properties + of the oysters, they were not eaten; but the juice, as it were, had been + scooped up and the puckered and corrugated gizzards of the sea had been + preserved. Acting upon this suggestion, the society had an oyster patty + debauch the following evening at $2 a couple. Forty suckers came and put + their means into the common fund. We didn't have enough oysters to + quite go around, so some of us cut a dozen out of an old boot leg, and the + entertainment was a great success. We also had other little devices for + making money, which worked admirably and yielded much profit to the + society. Those present also said that they had never enjoyed themselves so + much before. Many little games were played, which produced great merriment + and considerable coin. I could name a dozen devices for your society, if + desired, by which money could be made for your treasury, without the risk + or odium necessarily resulting from robbing the pay-car or a bank, and yet + the profit will be nearly as great in proportion to the work done.” + </p> + <p> + Here the gavel of the Most Esteemed Toolymuckahi fell with a sickening + thud, and the visiting brother was told that the time assigned to + communications, new business and good of the order had expired, but that + the discussion would be taken up at the next session, in one week, at + which time it was the purpose of the chair to hear and note all + suggestions relative to an entertainment to be given at a future date by + the society for the purpose of obtaining the evanescent scad and for the + successful flash of the reluctant boodle. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0158" id="link2H_4_0158"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Come Back. + </h2> + <p> + Personal.—Will the young woman who used to cook in our family, and + who went away ten pounds of sugar and five and a half pounds of tea ahead + of the game, please come back, and all will be forgiven. + </p> + <p> + If she cannot return, will she please write, stating her present address, + and also give her reasons for shutting up the cat in the refrigerator when + she went away? + </p> + <p> + If she will only return, we will try to forget the past, and think only of + the glorious present and the bright, bright future. + </p> + <p> + Come back, Sarah, and jerk the waffle-iron for us once more. + </p> + <p> + Your manners are peculiar, but we yearn for your doughnuts, and your style + of streaked cake suits us exactly. + </p> + <p> + You may keep the handkerchiefs and the collars, and we will not refer to + the dead past. + </p> + <p> + We have arranged it so that when you snore it will not disturb the night + police, and if you do not like our children we will send them away. + </p> + <p> + We realize that you do not like children very well, and our children + especially gave you much pain, because they were not so refined as you + were. + </p> + <p> + We have often wished, for your sake, that we had never had any children; + but so long as they are in our family, the neighbors will rather expect us + to take care of them. + </p> + <p> + Still, if you insist upon it, we will send them away. We don't want + to seem overbearing with our servants. + </p> + <p> + We would be willing, also, to give you more time for mental relaxation + than you had before. The intellectual strain incident to the life of one + who makes gravy for a lost and undone world must be very great, and tired + nature must at last succumb. We do not want you to succumb. If anyone has + got to succumb, let us do it. + </p> + <p> + All we ask is that you will let us know when you are going away, and leave + the crackers and cheese where we can find them. + </p> + <p> + It was rather rough on us to have you go away when we had guests in the + house, but if you had not taken the key to the cooking department we could + have worried along. + </p> + <p> + You ought to let us have company at the house sometimes if we will let you + have company when you want to. Still, you know best, perhaps. You are + older than we are, and you have seen more of the world. + </p> + <p> + We miss your gentle admonitions and your stern reproofs sadly. Come back + and reprove us again. Come back and admonish us once more, at so much per + admonish and groceries. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “WE HOPE YOU WILL DO THE SAME BY US."} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0416}.jpg" alt="{0416}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0416}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + We will agree to let you select the tender part of the steak, and such + fruit as seems to strike you favorably, just as we did before. We did not + like it when you were here, but that is because we were young and did not + know what the custom was. + </p> + <p> + If a life-time devoted to your welfare can obliterate the injustice we + have done you, we will be glad to yield it to you. + </p> + <p> + If you could suggest a good place for us to send the children, where they + would be well taken care of, and where they would not interfere with some + other cook who is a friend of yours, we would be glad to have you write + us. + </p> + <p> + My wife says she hopes you will feel perfectly free to use the piano + whenever you are lonely or sad, and when you or the bread feel depressed + you will be welcome to come into the parlor and lean up against either one + of us and sob. + </p> + <p> + We all know that when you were with us before we were a little reserved in + our manner toward you, but if you come back it will be different. + </p> + <p> + We will introduce you to more of our friends this time, and we hope you + will do the same by us. Young people are apt to get above their business, + and we admit that we were wrong. + </p> + <p> + Come back and oversee our fritter bureau once more. + </p> + <p> + Take the portfolio of our interior department. + </p> + <p> + Try to forget our former coldness. + </p> + <p> + Return, oh, wanderer, return! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0159" id="link2H_4_0159"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A New Play. + </h2> + <p> + The following letter was written, recently, in reply to a dramatist who + proposed the matter of writing a play jointly. + </p> + <p> + Hudson, Wis., Nov. 13, 1886. + </p> + <p> + Scott Marble, Esq.—Dear Sir: I have just received your favor of + yesterday, in which you ask me to unite with you in the construction of a + new play. + </p> + <p> + This idea has been suggested to me before, but not in such a way as to + inaugurate the serious thought which your letter has stirred up in my + seething mass of mind. + </p> + <p> + I would like very much to unite with you in the erection of such a + dramatic structure that people would cheerfully come to this country from + Europe, and board with us for months in order to see this play every + night. + </p> + <p> + You will surely agree with me that someone ought to write a play. Why it + has not been done long ago, I cannot understand. A well known comedian + told me a year ago that he hadn't been able to look into a paper for + sixteen months. He could not even read over the proof of his own press + notices and criticisms, to ascertain whether the printer had set them up + as he wrote them or not, simply because it took all his spare time off the + stage to examine the manuscripts of plays that had been submitted to him. + </p> + <p> + But I think we could arrange it so that we might together construct + something in that line which would at least attract the attention of our + families. + </p> + <p> + Would you mind telling me, for instance, how you write a play? You have + been in the business before, and you could tell me, of course, some of the + salient points about it. Do you write it with a typewriter, or do you + dictate your thoughts to someone who does not resent being dictated to? + </p> + <p> + Do you write a play and then dramatize it, or do you write the drama and + then play on it? Would it not be a very good idea to secure a plot that + would cost very little, and then put the kibosh on it, or would you put up + the lines first, and then hang the plot or drama, or whatever it is, on + the lines? Is it absolutely necessary to have a prologue? If so, what is a + prologue? Is it like a catalogue? + </p> + <p> + I have a great many crude ideas, but you see I am not practical. One of my + crude ideas is to introduce into the play an artist's studio. This + would not cost much, for we could borrow the studio evenings and allow the + artist to use it daytimes. Then we would introduce into the studio scene + the artist's living model. Everybody would be horrified, but they + would go. They would walk over each other to attend the drama, and we + would do well. Our living model in the studio act would be made of common + wax, and if it worked well, we would discharge other members of the + company and substitute wax. Gradually we could get it down to where the + company would be wax, with the exception of a janitor with a feather + duster. Think that over. + </p> + <p> + But seriously, a play, it seems to me, should embody an idea. Am I correct + in that theory or not? It ought to convey some great thought, some maxim + or aphorism, or some such a thing as that. How would it do to arrange a + play with the idea of impressing upon the audience that “the fool + and his money are soon parted?” Are you using a hero and a heroine + in your plays now? If so, would you mind writing their lines for them, + while I arrange the details and remarks for the young man who is + discovered asleep on a divan when the curtain rises, and who sleeps on + through the play with his mouth slightly ajar till the close—the + close of the play, not the close of his mouth—when it is discovered + that he is dead. He then plays the cold remains in the closing tableau, + and fills a new-made grave at $9 per week. + </p> + <p> + I could also write the lines, I think, for the young man who comes in + wearing a light summer cane and a seersucker coat so tight that you can + count his vertebrae. I could write what he would say without great mental + strain, I think. I must avoid mental strain or my intellect might split + down the back and I would be a mental wreck, good for nothing but to strew + the shores of time with myself. + </p> + <p> + Various other crude ideas present themselves to my mind, but they need to + be clothed. You will say that this is unnecessary. I know you will at once + reply that, for the stage, the less you clothe an idea the more popular it + will be, but I could not consent to have even a bare thought of mine make + an appearance night after night before a cultivated audience. + </p> + <p> + What do you think of introducing a genuine case of small-pox on the stage? + You say in your letter that what the American people clamor for is + something “catchy.” That would be catchy, and it would also + introduce itself. + </p> + <p> + I wish you would also tell me what kind of diet you confine yourself to + while writing a play, and how you go to work to procure it. Do you live on + a mixed diet, or on your relatives? Would you soak your head while writing + a play, or would you soak your overcoat? I desire to know all these + things, because, Mr. Marble, to tell you the truth, I am as ignorant about + this matter as the babe unborn. In fact, posterity would have to get up + early in the morning to know less about play-writing than I have succeeded + in knowing. + </p> + <p> + If we are to make a kind of comedy, my idea would be to introduce + something facetious in the middle of the comedy. No one will expect it, + you see, and it will tickle the audience almost to death. + </p> + <p> + A friend of mine suggests that it would be a great hit to introduce, or + rather to reproduce, the Hell Gate explosion. Many were not able to be + there at the time, and would willingly go a long distance to witness the + reproduction. + </p> + <p> + I wish that you would reply to this letter at an early date, telling me + what you think of the schemes suggested. Feel perfectly free to express + yourself fully. I am not too proud to receive your suggestions. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0160" id="link2H_4_0160"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Silver Dollar. + </h2> + <p> + It would seem at this time, while so little is being said on the currency + question, and especially by the men who really control the currency, that + a word from me would not be out of place. Too much talking has been done + by those only who have a theoretical knowledge of money and its eccentric + habits. People with a mere smattering of knowledge regarding national + currency have been loquacious, while those who have made the matter a + study, have been kept in the background. + </p> + <p> + At this period in the history of our country, there seems to be a general + stringency, and many are in the stringency business who were never that + way before. Everything seems to be demonetized. The demonetization of + groceries is doing as much toward the general wiggly palsy of trade as + anything I know of. + </p> + <p> + But I may say, in alluding briefly to the silver dollar, that there are + worse calamities than the silver dollar. Other things may occur in our + lives, which, in the way of sadness and three-cornered gloom, make the + large, robust dollar look like an old-fashioned half-dime. + </p> + <p> + I met a man the other day, who, two years ago, was running a small paper + at Larrabie's Slough. He was then in his meridian as a journalist, + and his paper was frequently quoted by such widely-read publications as + the <i>Knight of Labor at Work</i>, a humorous semi-monthly journal. He + boldly assailed the silver dollar, and with his trenchant pen he wrote + such burning words of denunciation that the printer had to set them on ice + before he could use the copy. + </p> + <p> + Last week I met him on a Milwaukee & St. Paul train. He was very thin + in flesh, and the fire of defiance was no longer in his eye. I asked him + how he came on with the paper at Larrabie's Slough. He said it was + no more. + </p> + <p> + “It started out,” said he, “in a fearless way, but it + was not sustained.” + </p> + <p> + He then paused in a low tone of voice, gulped, and proceeded: + </p> + <p> + “Folks told me when I began that I ought to attack almost + everything. Make the paper non-partisan, but aggressive, that was their + idea. Sail into everything, and the paper would soon be a power in the + land. So I aggressed. + </p> + <p> + “Friends came in very kindly and told me what to attack. They would + neglect their own business in order to tell me of corruption in somebody + else. I went on that way for some time in a defiant mood, attacking + anything that happened to suggest itself. + </p> + <p> + “Finally I thought I would attack the silver dollar. I did so. I + thought that friends would come to me and praise me for my manly words, + and that I could afford to lose the friendship of the dollar provided I + could win friends. + </p> + <p> + “In six months I took an unexpired annual pass over our Larrabie + Slough Narrow-Gauge, or Orphan Road, and with nothing else but the clothes + I wore, I told the plaintiff how to jerk the old Washington press and went + away. The dear old Washington press that had more than once squatted my + burning words into the pure white page. The dear old towel on which I had + wiped my soiled hands for years, until it had almost become a part of + myself, the dark blue Gordon press with its large fly wheel and + intermittent chattel mortgage, a press, to which I had contributed the + first joint of my front finger; the editor's chair; the samples of + large business cards printed in green with an inflamed red border, which + showed that we could do colored work at Larrabie's Slough just as + well as they could in the large cities; the files of our paper; the large + wilted potato that Mr. Alonzo G. Pinkham of Erin Corners kindly laid on + our table-all, all had to go. + </p> + <p> + “I fled out into the great, hollow, mocking world of people who had + requested me to aggress. They were people who had called my attention to + various things which I ought to attack. I had attacked those things. I had + also attacked the Larrabie Slough Narrow-Gauge Railroad, but the manager + did not see the attack, and so my pass was good. + </p> + <p> + “What could I do? + </p> + <p> + “I had attacked everything, and more especially the silver dollar, + and now I was homeless. For fourteen weeks I rode up the narrow-gauge road + one day and back the next, subsisting solely on the sample of nice pecan + meat that the newsboy puts in each passenger's lap. + </p> + <p> + “You look incredulous, I see, but it is true. + </p> + <p> + “I feel differently toward the currency now, and I wish I could undo + what I have done. Were I called up again to jerk the Archimedean lever, I + would not be so aggressive, especially as regards the currency. Whether it + is inflated or not, silver dollars, paper certificates of deposit or + silver bullion, it does not matter to me. + </p> + <p> + “I yearn for two or three adult doughnuts and one of those thick, + dappled slabs of gingerbread, or slat of pie with gooseberries in it. I + presume that I could write a scathing editorial on the abuses of our + currency yet, but I am not so much in the scathe business as I used to be. + </p> + <p> + “I wish you would state, if you will, through some great + metropolitan journal, that my views in relation to the silver coinage and + the currency question have undergone a radical change, and that any plan + whatever, by which to make the American dollar less skittish, will meet + with my hearty approval. + </p> + <p> + “If I have done anything at all through my paper to injure or + repress the flow of our currency, and I fear I have, I now take this + occasion to cheerfully regret it.” + </p> + <p> + He then wrung my hand and passed from my sight. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0161" id="link2H_4_0161"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Polygamy as a Religious Duty. + </h2> + <p> + During the past few years in the history of our republic, we have had + leprosy, yellow fever and the dude, and it seemed as though each one would + wreck the whole national fabric at one time. National and international + troubles of one kind and another have gradually risen, been met and + mastered, but the great national abscess known as the Church of Jesus + Christ of Latter Day Saints still obstinately refuses to come to a head. + </p> + <p> + I may be a radical monogamist and a rash enthusiast upon this matter, but + I still adhere to my original motto, one country, one flag and one wife at + a time. Matrimony is a good thing, but it can be overdone. We can excuse + the man who becomes a collection of rare coins, stamps, or autographs, but + he who wears out his young life making a collection of wives, should be + looked upon with suspicion. + </p> + <p> + After all, however, this matter has always been, and still is, treated + with too much levity. It seems funny to us, at a distance of 1,600 miles, + that a thick-necked patriarch in the valley of the Jordan should be sealed + to thirteen or fourteen low-browed, half human females, and that the whole + mass of humanity should live and multiply under one roof. + </p> + <p> + Those who see the wealthy polygamists of Salt Lake City, do not know much + of the horrors of trying to make polygamy and poverty harmonize in the + rural districts. In the former case, each wife has a separate residence or + suite of rooms, perhaps; but in the latter is the aggregation of vice and + depravity, doubly horrible because, instead of the secluded character + which wickedness generally assumes, here it is the common heritage of the + young and at once fails to shock or horrify. + </p> + <p> + Under the All-seeing eye, and the Bee Hive, and the motto, “Holiness + to the Lord,” with a bogus Bible and a red-nosed prophet, who couldn't + earn $13. per month pounding sand, this so called church hanging on to the + horns of the altar, as it were, defies the statutes, and while in open + rebellion against the laws of God and man, refers to the constitution of + the United States as protecting it in its “religious belief.” + </p> + <p> + In a poem, the patient Mormon in the picturesque valley of the Great Salt + Lake, where he has “made the desert blossom as the rose,” + looks well. With the wonderful music of the great organ at the tabernacle + sounding in your ears, and the lofty temple near by towering to the sky, + you say to yourself, there is, after all, something solemn and impressive + in all this; but when a greasy apostle in an alapaca duster, takes his + place behind the elevated desk, and with bad grammar and slangy sentences, + asks God in a businesslike way to bless this buzzing mass of unclean, + low-browed, barbarous scum of all foreign countries, and the white trash + and criminals of our own, you find no reverence, and no religious awe. + </p> + <p> + The same mercenary, heartless lunacy that runs through the sickly + plagiarism of the Book of Mormon, pervades all this, and instead of the + odor of sanctity you notice the flavor of bilge water, and the emigrant's + own hailing sign, the all-pervading fragrance of the steerage. + </p> + <p> + Education is the foe of polygamy, and many of the young who have had the + means by which to complete their education in the East, are apostate, at + least so far as polygamy is concerned. Still, to the great mass of the + poor and illiterate of Mormondom this is no benefit. The rich of the + Mormon Church are rich because their influence with this great fraud has + made them so; and it would, as a matter of business, injure their + prospects to come out and bolt the nomination. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE FAMILY WASH.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8425}.jpg" alt="{8425} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8425}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Utah, even with the Edmunds bill, is hopelessly Mormon; all adjoining + States and Territories are already invaded by them, and the delegate in + Congress from Wyoming is elected by the Mormon vote. + </p> + <p> + I believe that I am moderately liberal and free upon all religious + matters, but when a man's confession of faith involves from three to + twenty-seven old corsets in the back yard every spring, and a clothes line + every Monday morning that looks like a bridal trousseau emporium struck by + a cyclone, I must admit that I am a little bit inclined to be sectarian in + my views. + </p> + <p> + It's bad enough to be slapped across the features by one pair of + long wet hose on your way to the barn, but to have a whole bankrupt stock + of cold, wet garments every week fold their damp arms around your neck, as + you dodge under the clothes line to drive the cow out of the yard, is + wrong. + </p> + <p> + It is not good for man to be alone, of course, but why should he yearn to + fold a young ladies' seminary to his bosom? Why should this morbid + sentiment prompt him to marry a Female Suffrage Mass Meeting? I do not + wish to be considered an extremist in religious matters, but the doctrine + that requires me to be sealed to a whole emigrant train, seems unnatural + and inconsistent. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0162" id="link2H_4_0162"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Newspaper. + </h2> + <p> + An Address Delivered Before the Wisconsin State Press Association, at + White-Water, Wis., August 11, 1886. + </p> + <p> + Mr. President and Gentlemen of the Press of Wisconsin: + </p> + <p> + I am sure that when you so kindly invited me to address you to-day, you + did not anticipate a lavish display of genius and gestures. I accepted the + invitation because it afforded me an opportunity to meet you and to get + acquainted with you, and tell you personally that for years I have been a + constant reader of your valuable paper and I like it. You are running it + just as I like to see a newspaper run. + </p> + <p> + I need not elaborate upon the wonderful growth of the press in our + country, or refer to the great power which journalism wields in the + development of the new world. I need not ladle out statistics to show you + how the newspaper has encroached upon the field of oratory and how the + pale and silent man, while others sleep, compiles the universal history of + a day and tells his mighty audience what he thinks about it before he goes + to bed. + </p> + <p> + Of course, this is but the opinion of one man, but who has a better + opportunity to judge than he who sits with his finger on the electric + pulse of the world, judging the actions of humanity at so much per judge, + invariably in advance? + </p> + <p> + I need not tell you all this, for you certainly know it if you read your + paper, and I hope you do. A man ought to read his own paper, even if he + cannot endorse all its sentiments. + </p> + <p> + So necessary has the profession of journalism become to the progress and + education of our country, that the matter of establishing schools where + young men may be fitted for an active newspaper life, has attracted much + attention and discussion. It has been demonstrated that our colleges do + not fit a young man to walk at once into the active management of a paper. + He should at least know the difference between a vile contemporary and a + Gothic scoop. + </p> + <p> + It is difficult to map out a proper course for the student in a school of + journalism, there are so many things connected with the profession which + the editor and his staff should know and know hard. The newspaper of + to-day is a library. It is an encyclopaedia, a poem, a biography, a + history, a prophecy, a directory, a time-table, a romance, a cook book, a + guide, a horoscope, an art critic, a political resume, a <i>multum in + parvo</i>. It is a sermon, a song, a circus, an obituary, a picnic, a + shipwreck, a symphony in solid brevier, a medley of life and death, a + grand aggregation of man's glory and his shame. It is, in short, a + bird's-eye-view of all the magnanimity and meanness, the joys and + griefs, the births and deaths, the pride and poverty of the world, and all + for two cents—sometimes. + </p> + <p> + I could tell you some more things that the newspaper of to-day is, if you + had time to stay here and your business would not suffer in your absence. + Among others it is a long felt want, a nine-column paper in a five-column + town, a lying sheet, a feeble effort, a financial problem, a tottering + wreck, a political tool and a sheriff's sale. + </p> + <p> + If I were to suggest a curriculum for the young man who wished to take a + regular course in a school of journalism, preferring that to the actual + experience, I would say to him, devote the first two years to meditation + and prayer. This will prepare the young editor for the surprise and + consequent temptation to profanity which in a few years he may experience + when he finds that the name of the Deity in his double-leaded editorial is + spelled with a little “g,” and the peroration of the article + is locked up between a death notice and the advertisement of a patent + moustache coaxer, which is to follow pure reading matter every day in the + week and occupy the top of column on Sunday tf. + </p> + <p> + The ensuing five years should be devoted to the peculiar orthography of + the English language. + </p> + <p> + Then put in three years with the dumb bells, sand bags, slung shots and + tomahawk. In my own journalistic experience I have found more cause for + regret over my neglect of this branch than anything else. I usually keep + on my desk during a heated campaign, a large paper weight, weighing three + or four pounds, and in several instances I have found that I could feed + that to a constant reader of my valuable paper instead of a retraction. + </p> + <p> + Fewer people lick the editor though, now, than did so in years gone by. + Many people—in the last two years—have gone across the street + to lick the editor and never returned. They intended to come right back in + a few moments, but they are now in a land where a change of heart and a + palm leaf fan is all they need. + </p> + <p> + Fewer people are robbing the editor now-a-days, too, I notice with much + pleasure. Only a short time ago I noticed that a burglar succeeded in + breaking into the residence of a Dakota journalist, and after a long, hard + struggle the editor succeeded in robbing him. + </p> + <p> + After the primary course, mapped out already, an intermediate course of + ten years should be given to learning the typographical art, so that when + visitors come in and ask the editor all about the office, he can tell them + of the mysteries of making a paper, and how delinquent subscribers have + frequently been killed by a well-directed blow with a printer's + towel. + </p> + <p> + Five years should be devoted to a study of the art of proof-reading. In + that length of time the young journalist can perfect himself to such a + degree that it will take another five years for the printer to understand + his corrections and marginal notes. + </p> + <p> + Fifteen years should then be devoted to the study of American politics, + especially civil service reform, looking at it from a non-partisan + standpoint. If possible, the last five years should be spent abroad. + London is the place to go if you wish to get a clear, concise view of + American politics, and Chicago or Milwaukee would be a good place for the + young English journalist to go and study the political outlook of England. + </p> + <p> + The student should then take a medical and surgical course, so that he may + be able to attend to contusions, fractures and so forth, which may occur + to himself or to the party who may come to his office for a retraction and + by mistake get his spinal column double-leaded. + </p> + <p> + Ten years should then be given to the study of law. No thorough, + metropolitan editor wants to enter upon the duties of his profession + without knowing the difference between a writ of <i>mandamus</i> and other + styles of profanity. He should thoroughly understand the entire system of + American jurisprudence, so that in case a <i>certiorari</i> should break + out in his neighborhood he would know just what to do for it. + </p> + <p> + The student will, by this time, begin to see what is required of him and + enter with great zeal upon the further study of his profession. + </p> + <p> + He will now enter upon a theological course of ten years and fit himself + thoroughly to speak intelligently of the various creeds and religions of + the world. Ignorance or the part of an editor is almost a crime, and when + he closes a powerful editorial with the familiar quotation, “It is + the early bird that catches the worm,” and attributes it to St. Paul + instead of Deuteronomy, it makes me blush for the profession. + </p> + <p> + The last ten years may be profitably devoted to the acquisition of a + practical knowledge of cutting cordwood, baking beans, making shirts, + lecturing, turning double handsprings, being shot out of a catapult at a + circus, learning how to make a good adhesive paste that will not sour in + hot weather, grinding scissors, punctuating, capitalization, condemnation, + syntax, plain sewing, music and dancing, sculpting, etiquette, prosody, + how to win the affections of the opposite sex and evade a malignant case + of breach of promise, the ten commandments, every man his own tooter on + the flute, croquet, rules of the prize ring, rhetoric, parlor magic, + calisthenics, penmanship, how to run a jack from the bottom of the pack + without getting shot, civil engineering, decorative art, kalsomining, + bicycling, base ball, hydraulics, botany, poker, international law, + high-low-jack, drawing and painting, faro, vocal music, driving, breaking + team, fifteen ball pool, how to remove grease spots from last year's + pantaloons, horsemanship, coupling freight cars, riding on a rail, riding + on a pass, feeding threshing machines, how to wean a calf from the parent + stem, teaching school, bull-whacking, plastering, waltzing, vaccination, + autopsy, how to win the affections of your wife's mother, every man + his own washerwoman, or how to wash underclothes so they will not shrink, + etc., etc. + </p> + <p> + But time forbids anything like a thorough list of what a young man should + study in order to fully understand all that he may be called upon to + express an opinion about in his actual experience as a journalist. There + are a thousand little matters which every editor should know; such, for + instance, as the construction of roller composition. Many newspaper men + can write a good editorial on Asiatic cholera, but their roller + composition is not fit to eat. + </p> + <p> + With the course of study that I have mapped out, the young student would + emerge from the college of journalism at the age of 95 or 96, ready to + take off his coat and write an article on almost any subject. He would be + a little giddy at first, and the office boy would have to see that he went + to bed at a proper time each night, but aside from that, he would be a + good man to feed a waste paper basket. + </p> + <p> + Actual experience is the best teacher in this peculiarly trying + profession. I hope some day to attend a press convention where the order + of exercise will consist of five-minute experiences from each one present + It would be worth listening to. + </p> + <p> + My own experience was a little peculiar. It was my intention at first to + practice law, when I went to the Rocky Mountains, although I had been + warned by the authorities not to do so. Still, I did practice in a + surreptitious kind of a way, and might have been practicing yet if my + client hadn't died. When you have become attached to a client and + respect and like him, and then when, without warning, like a bolt of + electricity from a clear sky, he suddenly dies and takes the bread right + out of your mouth, it is rough. + </p> + <p> + Then I tried the practice of criminal law, but my client got into the + penitentiary, where he was no use to me financially or politically. + Finally, when the judge was in a hurry, he would appoint me to defend the + pauper criminals. They all went to the penitentiary, until people got to + criticising the judge, and finally they told him that it was a shame to + appoint me to defend an innocent man. + </p> + <p> + My first experience in journalism was in a Western town, in which I was a + total stranger. I went there with thirty-five cents, but I had it + concealed in the lining of my clothes so that no one would have suspected + it if they had met me. I had no friends, and I noticed that when I got off + the train the band was not there to meet me. I entered the town just as + any other American citizen would. I had not fully decided whether to + become a stage robber or a lecturer on phrenology. At that time I got a + chance to work on a morning paper. It used to go to press before dark, so + I always had my evenings to myself and I liked that part of it first-rate. + I worked on that paper a year and might have continued if the proprietors + had not changed it to an evening paper. + </p> + <p> + Then a company incorporated itself and started a paper, of which I took + charge. The paper was published in the loft of a livery stable. That is + the reason they called it a stock company. You could come up the stairs + into the office or you could twist the tail of the iron-gray mule and take + the elevator. + </p> + <p> + It wasn't much of a paper, but it cost $16,000 a year to run it, and + it came out six days in the week, no matter what the weather was. We took + the Associated Press news by telegraph part of the time and part of the + time we relied on the Cheyenne morning papers, which we got of the + conductor on the early morning freight. We got a great many special + telegrams from Washington in that way, and when the freight train got in + late, I had to guess at what congress was doing and fix up a column of + telegraph the best I could. There was a rival evening paper there, and + sometimes it would send a smart boy down to the train and get hold of our + special telegrams, and sometimes the conductor would go away on a picnic + and take our Cheyenne paper with him. + </p> + <p> + All these things are annoying to a man who is trying to supply a long felt + want. There was one conductor, in particular, who used to go away into the + foot-hills shooting sage hens and take our cablegrams with him. This threw + too much strain on me. I could guess at what congress was doing and make + up a pretty readable report, but foreign powers and reichstags and crowned + heads and dynasties always mixed me up. You can look over what congress + did last year and give a pretty good guess at what it will do this year, + but you can't rely on a dynasty or an effete monarchy in a bad state + of preservation. It may go into executive session or it may go into + bankruptcy. + </p> + <p> + Still, at one time we used to have considerable local news to fill up + with. The north and middle parks for a while used to help us out when the + mining camps were new. Those were the days when it was considered + perfectly proper to kill off the board of supervisors if their action was + distasteful. At that time a new camp generally located a cemetery and + wrote an obituary; then the boys would start out to find a man whose name + would rhyme with the rest of the verse. Those were the days when the + cemeteries of Colorado were still in their infancy and the song of the + six-shooter was heard in the land. + </p> + <p> + Sometimes the Indians would send us in an item. It was generally in the + obituary line. With the Sioux on the north and the peaceful Utes on the + south, we were pretty sure of some kind of news during the summer. The + parks used to be occupied by white men winters and Indians summers. Summer + was really the pleasantest time to go into the parks, but the Indians had + been in the habit of going there at that season, and they were so clannish + that the white men couldn't have much fun with them, so they decided + they would not go there in the summer. Several of our best subscribers + were killed by the peaceful Utes. + </p> + <p> + There were two daily and three weekly papers published in Laramie City av + that time. There were between two and three thousand people and our local + circulation ran from 150 to 250, counting dead-heads. In our prospectus we + stated that we would spare no expense whatever in ransacking the universe + for fresh news, but there were times when it was all we could do to get + our paper out on time. Out of the express office, I mean. + </p> + <p> + One of the rival editors used to write his editorials for the paper in the + evening, jerk the Washington hand-press to work them off, go home and + wrestle with juvenile colic in his family until daylight and then deliver + his papers on the street. It is not surprising that the great mental + strain incident to this life made an old man of him, and gave a tinge of + extreme sadness to the funny column of his paper. + </p> + <p> + In an unguarded moment, this man wrote an editorial once that got all his + subscribers mad at him, and the same afternoon he came around and wanted + to sell his paper to us for $10,000. I told him that the whole outfit wasn't + worth ten thousand cents. + </p> + <p> + “I know that,” said he, “but it is not the material that + I am talking about. It is the good will of the paper.” + </p> + <p> + We had a rising young horsethief in Wyoming in those days, who got into + jail by some freak of justice, and it was so odd for a horsethief to get + into jail that I alluded to it editorially. This horsethief had + distinguished himself from the common, vulgar horsethieves of his time, by + wearing a large mouth—a kind of full-dress, eight-day mouth. He + rarely smiled, but when he did, he had to hold the top of his head on with + both hands. I remember that I spoke of this in the paper, forgetting that + he might criticise me when he got out of jail. When he did get out again, + he stated that he would shoot me on sight, but friends advised me not to + have his blood on my hands, and I took their advice, so I haven't + got a particle of his blood on either of my hands. + </p> + <p> + For two or three months I didn't know but he would drop into the + office any minute and criticise me, but one day a friend told me that he + had been hung in Montana. Then I began to mingle in society again, and + didn't have to get in my coal with a double barrel shot gun any + more. + </p> + <p> + After that I was always conservative in relation to horsethieves until we + got the report of the vigilance committee. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0163" id="link2H_4_0163"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Wrestling with the Mazy. + </h2> + <p> + Very soon now I shall be strong enough on my cyclone leg to resume my + lessons in waltzing. It is needless to say that I look forward with great + pleasure to that moment. Nature intended that I should glide in the mazy. + Tall, lithe, bald-headed, genial, limber in the extreme, suave, soulful, + frolicsome at times, yet dignified and reserved toward strangers, light on + the foot—on my own foot, I mean—gentle as a woman at times, + yet irresistible as a tornado when insulted by a smaller, I am peculiarly + fitted to shine in society. Those who have observed my polished brow, when + under a strong electric light, say they never saw a man shine so in + society as I do. + </p> + <p> + My wife taught me how to waltz. She would teach me on Saturdays and repair + her skirts during the following week. I told her once that I thought I was + too brainy to dance. She said she hadn't noticed that, but she + thought I seemed to run too much to legs. My wife is not timid about + telling me anything that she thinks will be for my good. When I make a + mistake she is perfectly frank with me, and comes right to me and tells me + about it, so that I won't do so again. + </p> + <p> + I had just learned how to reel around a ballroom to a little waltz music, + when I was blown across the State of Mississippi in September last by a + high wind, and broke one of my legs which I use in waltzing. When this + accident occurred I had just got where I felt at liberty to choose a + glorious being with starry eyes and fluffy hair, and magnificently modeled + form, to steer me around the rink to the dreamy music of Strauss. One + young lady, with whom I had waltzed a good deal, when she heard that my + leg was broken, began to attend every dancing party she could hear of, + although she had declined a great many previous to that. I asked her how + she could be so giddy and so gay when I was suffering. She said she was + doing it to drown her sorrow, but her little brother told me on the quiet + that she was dancing while I was sick because she felt perfectly safe. A + friend of mine says I have a pronounced and distinctly original manner of + waltzing, and that he never saw anybody, with one exception, who waltzed + as I did, and that was Jumbo. He claimed that either one of us would be a + good dancer if he could have the whole ring to himself. He said that he + would like to see Jumbo and me waltz together if he were not afraid that I + would step on Jumbo and hurt him. You can see what a feeling of jealous + hatred it arouses in some small minds when a man gets so that he can + mingle in good society and enjoy himself. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WALTZING WITH JUMBO.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0435}.jpg" alt="{0435}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0435}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + I could waltz more easily if the rules did not require such a constant + change of position. I am sedentary in my nature, slow to move about, so + that it takes a lady of great strength of purpose to pull me around on + time. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0164" id="link2H_4_0164"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Anecdotes of the Stage. + </h2> + <p> + Years ago, before Laramie City got a handsome opera house, everything in + the theatrical and musical line of a high order was put on the stage of + Blackburn's Hall. Other light dramas on the stage, and thrilling + murders in the audience, used to occur at Alexander's Theater, on + Front street. Here you could get a glass of Laramie beer, made of glucose, + alkali water, plug tobacco, and Paris green, by paying two bits at the + bar, and, as a prize, you drew a ticket to the olio, specialties, and low + gags of the stage. The idea of inebriating a man at the box office, so + that he will endure such a sham, is certainly worthy of serious + consideration. I have seen shows at Alexander's, and also at + McDaniel's, in Cheyenne, however, where the bar should have provided + an ounce of chloroform with each ticket in order to allay the suffering. + </p> + <p> + Here you could sit down in the orchestra and take the chances of getting + hit when the audience began to shoot at the pianist, or you could go up + into the boxes and have a quiet little conversation with the timid + beer-jerkers. The beer-jerker was never too proud to speak to the most + humble, and if she could sell a grub-staker for $5 a bottle of real Piper + Heidsick, made in Cheyenne and warranted to remove the gastric coat, pants + and vest from a man's stomach in two minutes, she felt pleased and + proud. + </p> + <p> + A room-mate of mine, whose name I will not give, simply because he was and + still is the best fellow in the United States, came home from the “theater” + one night with his hair parted in the middle. He didn't wear it that + way generally, so it occasioned talk in social circles. He still has a + natural parting of the hair about five inches long, that he acquired that + night. He said it was accidental so far as he was concerned, but unless + the management could keep people from shooting the holders of reserved + seats between the acts or any other vital spot, he would withdraw his + patronage. And he was right about it. I think that any court in the land + would protect a man who had purchased a seat in good faith, and with his + hat on and both feet on the back of the seat in front of him, sits quietly + in said seat, smoking a Colorado Maduro cigar and watching the play. + </p> + <p> + Several such accidents occurred at the said theater. Among them was a + little tableau in which Joe Walker and Centennial Bob took the leading + parts. Bob went to the penitentiary, and Joe went to his reward with one + of his lungs in his coat pocket. There was a little difference between + them as to the regularity of a “draw” and “show down,” + so Bob went home from the theater and loaded a double-barrel shot-gun with + a lot of scrap-iron, and, after he had introduced the collection into Joe's + front breadth, the latter's system was so lacerated that it wouldn't + retain ground feed. + </p> + <p> + There were other little incidents like that which occurred in and around + the old theater, some growing out of the lost love of a beer-jerker, some + from an injudicious investment in a bob-tail flush that never got ripe + enough to pick, and some from the rarified mountain air, united with an + epidemic known as <i>mania rotguti</i>. + </p> + <p> + A funny incident of the stage occurred not long ago to a friend of mine, + who is traveling with a play in which a stage cow appears. He is using + what is called a profile cow now, which works by machinery. Last winter + this cow ran down while in the middle of the stage, and forgot her lines. + The prompter gave the string a jerk in order to assist her. This broke the + cow in two, and the fore-quarters walked off to the left into one + dressing-room, while the behind-quarters and porter-house steak retired to + the outer dressing-room. The audience called for an <i>encore</i>; but the + cow felt as though she had made a kind of a bull of the part, and would + not appear. Those who may be tempted to harshly criticise this last + remark, are gently reminded that the intense heat of the past month is + liable to effect anyone's mind. Remember, gentle reader, that your + own brain may some day soften also, and then you will remember how harsh + you were toward me. + </p> + <p> + Prior to the profile cow, the company ran a wicker-work cow, that was + hollow and admitted of two hired-men, who operated the beast at a moderate + salary. These men drilled a long time on what they called a heifer dance—a + beautiful spectacular, and highly moral and instructive quadruped clog, + sirloin shuffle, and cow gallop, to the music of a piano-forte. The + rehearsals had been crowned with success, and when the cow came on the + stage she got a bouquet, and made a bran mash on one of the ushers. + </p> + <p> + She danced up and down the stage, perfectly self-possessed, and with that + perfect grace and abandon which is so noticeable in the self-made cow. + Finally she got through, the piano sounded a wild Wagnerian bang, and the + cow danseuse ambled off. She was improperly steered, however, and ran her + head against a wing, where she stopped in full view of the audience. The + talent inside of the cow thought they had reached the dressing-room and + ran against the wall, so they felt perfectly free to converse with each + other. The cow stood with her nose jammed up against the wing, wrapped in + thought, Finally, from her thorax the audience heard a voice say: + </p> + <p> + “Jim, you blamed galoot, that ain't the step we took at + rehearsal no more'n nuthin'. If you're going to + improvise a new cow duet, I wish you wouldn't take the fore-quarters + by surprise next time.” + </p> + <p> + It is not now known what the reply was, for just then the prompter came on + the stage, rudely twisted the tail of the cow, rousing her from her + lethargy, and harshly kicking her in the pit of the stomach, he drove her + off the stage, The audience loudly called for a repetition, but the cow + refused to come in. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0165" id="link2H_4_0165"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + George the Third. + </h2> + <p> + George III was born in England June 4, 1738, and ran for king in 1760. He + was a son of Frederick, Prince of Wales, and held the office of king for + sixty years. He was a natural born king and succeeded his grandfather, + George II. Look as you will a-down the long page of English history, and + you will not fail to notice the scarcity of self-made kings. How few of + them were poor boys and had to skin along for years with no money, no + influential friends and no fun. + </p> + <p> + Ah, little does the English king know of hard times and carrying two or + three barrels of water to a tired elephant in order that he may get into + the afternoon performance without money. When he gets tired of being + prince, all he has to do is just to be king all day at good wages, and + then at night take off his high-priced crown, hang it up on the hat-rack, + put on a soft hat and take in the town. + </p> + <p> + George III quit being prince at the age of 22 years, and began to hold + down the English throne. He would reign along for a few years, taking it + kind of quiet, and then all at once he would declare war and pick out some + people to go abroad and leave their skeletons on some foreign shore. That + was George's favorite amusement. He got up the Spanish war in two + years after he clome the throne; then he had an American revolution, a + French revolution, an Irish rebellion and a Napoleonic war. He dearly + loved carnage, if it could be prepared on a foreign strand. George always + wanted imported carnage, even if it came higher. It was in 1765, and early + in George's reign, that the American stamp act passed the + Legislature and the Goddess of Liberty began to kick over the dashboard. + </p> + <p> + George was different from most English kings, morally. When he spit on his + hand and grasped the sceptre, he took his scruples with him right onto the + throne. He was not talked about half so much as other kings before or + since his time. Nine o'clock most always found George in bed, with + his sceptre under the window-sash, so that he could get plenty of fresh + air. As it got along toward 9 o'clock, he would call the hired girl, + tell her to spread a linen lap-robe on the throne till morning, issue a + royal ukase directing her to turn out the cat, and instructing the cook to + set the pancake batter behind the royal stove in the council chamber, then + he would wind the clock and retire. Early in the morning George would be + up and dressed, have all his chores done and the throne dusted off ready + for another hard day's reign. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: WRAPPED IN SLUMBER.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0440}.jpg" alt="{0440}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0440}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + George III is the party referred to in the Declaration of Independence the + present king of Great Britain, and of whom many bitter personal remarks + were made by American patriots. On this side of the water George was not + highly esteemed. If he had come over here to spend the summer with friends + in Boston, during the days of the stamp act excitement, he could have gone + home packed in ice, no doubt, and with a Swiss sunset under each eye. + </p> + <p> + George's mind was always a little on the bias, and in 1810 he went + crazy for the fifth time. Always before that he had gone right ahead with + his reign, whether he was crazy or not, but with the fifth attack of + insanity, coupled with suggestion of the brain and blind staggers, it was + decided to tie him up in the barn and let someone else reign awhile. The + historian says that blindness succeeded this attack, and in 1811 the + Prince of Wales became regent. + </p> + <p> + George III died at Windsor in 1820, with the consent of a joint committee + of both houses of congress, at the age of 82 years. He made the longest + run as king, without stopping for feed or water, of any monarch in English + history. Sixty years is a long time to be a monarch and look under the bed + every night for a Nihilist loaded with a cut-glass bomb and Paris green. + Sixty years is a long while to jerk a sceptre over a nation and keep on + the right side, politically, all the time. + </p> + <p> + George was of an inventive turn of mind, and used to be monkeying with + some kind of a patent, evenings, after he had peeled his royal robes. Most + of his patents related to land, however, and some of the most successful + soil in Massachusetts was patented by George. + </p> + <p> + He was always trying some scheme to make a pile of money easy, so that he + wouldn't have to work; but he died poor and crazy at last, in + England. He was not very smart, but he attended to business all the time, + and did not get up much of a reputation as a moral leper. He said that as + king of Great Britain and general superintendent of Cork he did not aim to + make much noise, but he desired to attract universal attention by being so + moral that he would be regarded as eccentric by other crowned heads. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0166" id="link2H_4_0166"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Cell Nest. + </h2> + <p> + To the Members of the Academy of Science, at Wrin Prairie, Wisconsin: + </p> + <p> + <i>Gentlemen:</i>—I beg leave to submit herewith my microscopic + report on the several sealed specimens of proud flesh and other mementoes + taken from the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth. As Mr. Flannery is the + mayor of Erin Prairie, and therefore has a world-wide reputation, I deemed + it sufficiently important to the world at large, and pleasing to Mr. + Flannery's family, to publish this report in the medical journals of + the country, and have it telegraphed to the leading newspapers at their + expense. Knowing that the world at large is hungry to learn how the + laudable pus of an eminent man appears under the microscope, and what a + pleasure it must be to his family to read the description after his death, + I have just opened a new box of difficult words and herewith transmit a + report which will be an ornament not only to the scrap-book of Mr. + Flannery's immediate family after his death, but a priceless boon to + the reading public at large. + </p> + <p> + Removing the seals from the jars as soon as I had returned from the + express office, I poured off the alcohol and recklessly threw it away. A + true scientist does not care for expense. + </p> + <p> + The first specimen was in a good state of preservation on its arrival. I + never saw a more beautiful or robust proliferation epitherial cell nest in + my life. It must have been secured immediately after the old epitherial + had left the nest, and it was in good order on its arrival. The whole + lobule was looking first-rate. You might ride for a week and not run + across a prettier lobule or a more artistic aggregation of cell nests + outside a penitentiary. + </p> + <p> + Only one cell nest had been allowed to dry up on the way, and this looked + a good deal fatigued. In one specimen I noticed a carneous degeneration, + but this is really no reflection on Mr. Flannery personally. While he has + been ill it is not surprising that he should allow his cell nests to + carneously degenerate. Such a thing might happen to almost any of us. + </p> + <p> + One of the scrapings from the sore on the right posterior fauces, I found + on its arrival, had been seriously injured, and therefore not available. I + return it herewith. + </p> + <p> + From an examination, which has been conducted with great care, I am led to + believe that the right posterior rafter of Mr. Flannery's mouth is + slightly indurated, and it is barely possible that the northeast duplex + and parotid gable end of the roof of his mouth may become involved. + </p> + <p> + I wish you would ask Mr. Flannery's immediate relatives, if you can + do so without arousing alarm in the breast of the patient, if there has + ever been a marked predisposition on the part of his ancestors to + tubercular gumboil. I do not wish to be understood as giving this + diagnosis as final at all, but from what I have already stated, taken + together with other clinical and pathological data within my reach, and + the fact that minute, tabulated gumboil bactinae were found floating + through some of the cell nests, I have every reason to fear the worst. I + would be glad to receive from you for microscopic examination a fragment + of Mr. Flannery's malpighian layer, showing evidences of cell + proliferation. I only suggest this, of course, as practicable in case + there should be a malpighian layer which Mr. Flannery is not using. Do not + ask him to take a malpighian layer off her cell nest just to please me. + </p> + <p> + From one microscopic examination I hardly feel justified in giving a + diagnosis, nor care to venture any suggestion as to treatment, but it + might be well to kalsomine the roof of Mr. Flannery's mouth with + gum-arabic, white lime and glue in equal parts. + </p> + <p> + There has already been some extravatations and a marked multiformity. I + also noticed an inflamed and angry color to the stroma with trimmings of + the same. This might only indicate that Mr. Flannery had kept his mouth + open too much during the summer, and sunburned the roof of his mouth, were + it not that I also discovered traces of gumboil microbes of the squamous + variety. This leads me to fear the worst for Mr. Flannery. However, if the + gentlemanly, courteous and urbane members of the Academy of Science, of + Erin Prairie, to whom I am already largely indebted for past favors, will + kindly forward to me, prepaid, another scraping from the mansard roof of + Mr. Flannery's mouth next week, I will open another keg of hard + words and trace this gumboil theory to a successful termination, if I have + to use up the whole ceiling of the patient's mouth. + </p> + <p> + Yours, with great sincerity, profundity and verbosity, + </p> + <p> + Bill Nye, Microscopist, Lobulist and Microbist. + </p> + <p> + Hudson, Wis., May 3. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0167" id="link2H_4_0167"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Parental Advice. + </h2> + <p> + The past fifty years have done much for the newspaper and periodical + readers of the United States. That period has been fruitful of great + advancement and a great reduction in price, but these are not all. Fifty + years and less have classified information so that science and sense are + conveniently found, and humor and nonsense have their proper sphere. All + branches are pretty full of lively and thoroughly competent writers, who + take hold of their own special work even as the thorough, quick-eyed + mechanic takes hold of his line of labor and acquits himself in a + creditable manner. The various lines of journalism may appear to be + crowded, but they are not. There may be too much vagabond journalism, but + the road that is traveled by the legitimate laborer is not crowded. The + clean, Caucasian journalist, as he climbs the hill, is not crowded very + much. He can make out to elbow his way toward the front, if he tries very + hard. There may be too much James Crow science, and too much editorial + vandalism and gush, and too much of the journalism for revenue only. There + may be too much ringworm humor also, but there is still a demand for the + scientific work of the true student. There is still a good market for + honest editorial opinion, reliable news and fearless and funny paragraph + work and character sketches, as the song and dance men would say. + </p> + <p> + All this, however, points in one direction. It all has one hoarse voice, + and in the tones of the culverin, whatever that is, it says that to the + young man who is starting out with the intention of filling the tomb of a + millionaire, “Learn to do something well.” + </p> + <p> + Lots of people rather disliked the famous British hangman, and thought he + hadn't made a great record for himself, but he performed a duty that + had to be done by someone, and no one ever complained much about Marwood's + work. He warranted every job and told everyone that if they were + dissatisfied he would refund their money at the door. No man ever came + back to Marwood and said, “Sir, you broke my neck in an + unworkmanlike manner.” + </p> + <p> + It is better to be a successful hangman than to be the banished, abused + and heart-broken, cast-off husband of a great actress. Learn to take hold + of some business and jerk it bald-headed. Learn to dress yourself first. + This will give you self-assurance, so that you can go away from home and + not be dependent on your mother. Teach yourself to be accurate and careful + in all things. It is better to turn the handle of a sausage grinder and + make a style of sausage that is free from hydrophobia, than to be the + extremely hence cashier of a stranded bank, fighting horseflies in the + solemn hush of a Canadian forest. + </p> + <p> + People have wrong ideas of the respective merits of different avocations. + It is better to be the successful driver of a dray than to be the + unsuccessful inventor of a still-born motor. I would rather discover how + to successfully wean a calf from the parent stem without being boosted + over a nine rail fence, than to discover a new star that had never been + used, and the next evening find that it had made an assignment. + </p> + <p> + Boys, oh, boys! How I wish I could take each of you by the ear and lead + you away by yourselves, and show you how many ruins strew the road to + success, and how life is like a mining boom. We only hear of those who + strike it rich. The hopeful, industrious prospector who failed to find the + contact and finally filled a nameless grave, is soon forgotten when he is + gone, but a million tongues tell to forty million listening ears of the + man who struck it rich and went to Europe. + </p> + <p> + Therefore make haste to advance slowly and surely. I am aware that your + ears ache with the abundance wherewith ye are advised, but if ye seek not + to brace up while yet it is called to-day, and file away information for + future reference and cease to look upon the fifteen-ball pool game when it + moveth itself aright, at such time as ye think not ye shall be in + pecuniary circumstances and there shall be none to indorse for you—nay, + not one. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0168" id="link2H_4_0168"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Early Day Justice.{2} + </h2> + <p> + {Footnote 2: <i>From the Chicago Rambler</i>.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9446}.jpg" alt="{9446}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9446}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Those were troublesome times, indeed. All wool justice in the courts was + impossible. The vigilance committee, or Salvation Army as it called + itself, didn't make much fuss about it, but we all knew that the + best citizens belonged to it and were in good standing. + </p> + <p> + It was in those days when young Stewart was short-handed for a sheep + herder, and had to take up with a sullen, hairy vagrant, called by the + other boys “Esau.” Esau hadn't been on the ranch a week + before he made trouble with the proprietor and got the red-hot blessing + from Stewart he deserved. + </p> + <p> + Then Esau got madder and sulked away down the valley among the little sage + brush hummocks and white alkali waste land to nurse his wrath. When + Stewart drove into the corral at night, from town, Esau raised up from + behind an old sheep dip tank, and without a word except what may have + growled around in his black heart, he raised a leveled Spencer and shot + his young employer dead. + </p> + <p> + That was the tragedy of the week only. Others had occurred before and + others would probably occur again. It was getting too prevalent for + comfort. So, as soon as a quick cayuse and a boy could get down into town, + the news spread and the authorities began in the routine manner to set the + old legal mill to running. Someone had to go down to “The Tivoli” + and find the prosecuting attorney, then a messenger had to go to “The + Alhambra” for the justice of the peace. The prosecuting attorney was + “full” and the judge had just drawn one card to complete a + straight flush, and had succeeded. + </p> + <p> + In the meantime the Salvation Army was fully half way to Clugston's + ranch. They had started out, as they said, “to see that Esau didn't + get away.” They were going out there to see that Esau was brought + into town. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE SALVATION ARMY.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8447}.jpg" alt="{8447} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8447}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + What happened after they got there I only know from hearsay, for I was not + a member of the Salvation Army at that time. But I got it from one of + those present, that they found Esau down in the sage brush on the bottoms + that lie between the abrupt corner of Sheep Mountain and the Little + Laramie River. They captured him, but he died soon after, as it was told + me, from the effects of opium taken with suicidal intent. I remember + seeing Esau the next morning and I thought there were signs of ropium, as + there was a purple streak around the neck of deceased, together with other + external phenomena not peculiar to opium. + </p> + <p> + But the great difficulty with the Salvation Army was that it didn't + want to bring Esau into town. A long, cold night ride with a person in + Esau's condition was disagreeable. Twenty miles of lonely road with + a deceased murderer in the bottom of the wagon is depressing. Those of my + readers who have tried it will agree with me that it is not calculated to + promote hilarity. So the Salvation Army stopped at Whatley's ranch + to get warm, hoping that someone would steal the remains and elope with + them. They stayed some time and managed to “give away” the + fact that there was a reward of $5,000 out for Esau, dead or alive. The + Salvation Army even went so far as to betray a great deal of hilarity over + the easy way it had nailed the reward, or would as soon as said remains + were delivered up and identified. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Whatley thought that the Salvation Army was having a kind of walkaway, + so he slipped out at the back door of the ranch, put Esau into his own + wagon and drove away to town. Remember, this is the way it was told to me. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Whatley hadn't gone more than half a mile when he heard the wild + and disappointed yells of the Salvation Army. He put the buckskin on the + backs of his horses without mercy, driven on by the enraged shouts and + yells of his infuriated pursuers. He reached town about midnight, and his + pursuers disappeared. But what was he to do with Esau? + </p> + <p> + He drove around all over town, trying to find the official who signed for + the deceased. Mr. Whatley went from house to house like a vegetable man, + seeking sadly for the party who would give him a $5,000 check for Esau. + Nothing could be more depressing than to wake up one man after another out + of a sound sleep and invite him to come out to the buggy and identify the + remains. One man went out and looked at him. He said he didn't know + how others felt about it, but he allowed that anybody who would pay $5,000 + for such a remains as Esau's could not have very good taste. + </p> + <p> + Gradually it crept through Mr. Whatley's wool that the Salvation + Army had been working him, so he left Esau at the engine house and went + home. On his ranch he nailed up a large board on which had been painted in + antique characters with a paddle and tar the following stanzas: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Vigilance Committees, Salvation Armies, Morgues, or young physicians who + may have deceased people on their hands, are requested to refrain from + conferring them on to the undersigned. + + People who contemplate shuffling off their own or other people's mortal + coils, will please not do so on these grounds. + + The Salvation Army of the Rocky Mountains is especially hereby warned to + keep off the grass! + + James Whatley. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0169" id="link2H_4_0169"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Indian Orator. + </h2> + <p> + I like to read of the Indian orator in the old school books. Most everyone + does. It is generally remarkable that the American Demosthenes, so far, + has dwelt in the tepee, and lived on the debris of the deer and the + buffalo. I mean to say that the school readers have impressed us with the + great magnetism of the crude warrior who dwelt in the wilderness and ate + his game, feathers and all, while he studied the art of swaying the + audience by his oratorical powers. + </p> + <p> + I am inclined to think that Black Hawk and Logan must have been fortunate + in securing mighty able private secretaries, or that they stood in with + the stenographers of their day. At least, the Blue Juniata warriors of our + time, from Little Crow, Red Iron, Standing Buffalo, Hole-in-the-Day and + Sitting Bull, to Victoria, Colorow, Douglas, Persume, Captain Jack and + Shavano, seem to do better as lobbyists than they do as orators. They may + be keen, logical and shrewd, but they are not eloquent. In some minds, + Black Hawk will ever appear as the Patrick Henry of his people; but I + prefer to honor his unknown, unhonored and unsung amanuensis. Think what a + godsend such a man would have been to Senator Tabor. + </p> + <p> + The Indian orator of to-day is not scholarly and grand. He is soiled, + ignorant and sedentary in his habits. An orator ought to take care of his + health. He cannot overload his stomach and make a bronze Daniel Webster of + himself. He cannot eat a raw buffalo for breakfast and at once attack the + question of tariff for revenue only. His brain is not clear enough. He + cannot digest the mammalia of North America and seek out the delicate + intricacies of the financial problem at the same time. All scientists and + physiologists will readily see why this is true. + </p> + <p> + It is quite popular to say that the modern Indian has seen too much of + civilization. This may be true. Anyhow, civilization has seen too much of + him. I hope the day will never come when the pale face and the White + Father will have to stay on their reservation, whether the red man does or + not. + </p> + <p> + Indian eloquence, toned down by the mellow haze of a hundred years, sounds + very well, but the clarion voice of the red orator has died away. The + stony figure, the eagle eye, the matchless presence, have all ceased to + palpitate. + </p> + <p> + He does not say: “I am an aged hemlock. I am dead at the top. The + forest is filled with the ghosts of my people. I hear their moans on the + night winds and in the sighing pines.” He does not talk in the blank + verse of a century ago. He uses a good many blanks, but it is not blank + verse. Even the Indian's friend would admit that it was not blank + verse. Perhaps it might be called blankety verse. + </p> + <p> + Once he pleaded for the land of his fathers. Now he howls for grub, guns + and fixed ammunition. + </p> + <p> + I tried to interview a big Crow chief once. I had heard some Sioux, and + learned a few irrelevant and disconnected Ute phrases. I connected these + with some Spanish terms and hoped to get a reply, and keep up a kind of + running conversation that might mislead a friend who was with me, into the + belief that I was as familiar with the Indian tongue as with my own. I + began conversing with him in my polyglot manner. I did not get a reply. I + conversed with him some more in a desultory way, for I had heard that he + was a great orator in his tribe, and I wanted to get his views on national + affairs. Still he was silent. He would not even answer me. I got hostile + and used some badly damaged Spanish on him. Then I used some sprained and + dislocated German on him, but he didn't seem to wot whereof I spoke. + </p> + <p> + Then my friend, with all the assurance of a fresh young manhood, began to + talk with the great warrior in the English language, and incidentally + asked him about a new Indian agent, who had the name of being a bogus + Christian with an eye to the main chance. + </p> + <p> + My friend talked very loud, with the idea that the chieftain could + understand any language if spoken so that you could hear it in the next + Territory. At the mention of the Indian agent's name, the Crow + statesman brightened up and made a remark. He simply said: “Ugh! too + much God and no flour.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0170" id="link2H_4_0170"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + You Heah Me, Sah! + </h2> + <p> + Col. Visscher, of Denver, who is delivering his lecture, “Sixty + Minutes in the War,” tells a good story on himself of an episode, or + something of that nature, that occurred to him in the days when he was the + amanuensis of George D. Prentice. + </p> + <p> + Visscher, in those days, was a fair-haired young man, with pale blue eyes, + and destitute of that wealth of brow and superficial area of polished dome + which he now exhibits on the rostrum. He was learning the lesson of life + then, and every now and then he would bump up against an octagonal mass of + cold-pressed truth of the never-dying variety that seemed to kind of stun + and concuss him. + </p> + <p> + One day Mr. Visscher wandered into a prominent hotel in Louisville, and, + observing with surprise and pleasure that “boiled lobster” was + one of the delicacies on the bill of fare, he ordered one. + </p> + <p> + He never had seen lobster, and a rare treat seemed to be in store for him. + He breathed in what atmosphere there was in the dining-room, and waited + for his bird. At last it was brought in. Mr. Visscher took one hasty look + at the great scarlet mass of voluptuous limbs and oceanic nippers, and + sighed. The lobster was as large as a door mat, and had a very angry and + inflamed appearance. Visscher ordered in a powerful cocktail to give him + courage, and then he tried to carve off some of the breast. + </p> + <p> + The lobster is honery even in death. He is eccentric and trifling. Those + who know him best are the first to evade him and shun him. Visscher had + failed to straddle the wish bone with his fork properly, and the talented + bird of the deep rolling sea slipped out of the platter, waved itself + across the horizon twice, and buried itself in the bosom of the eminent + and talented young man. The eminent and talented young man took it in his + napkin, put it carefully on the table, and went away. + </p> + <p> + As he passed out, the head waiter said: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Visscher, was there anything the matter with your lobster?” + </p> + <p> + Visscher is a full-blooded Kentuckian, and answered in the courteous + dialect of the blue-grass country. + </p> + <p> + “Anything the matter with my lobster, sah? No, sah. The lobster is + very vigorous, sah. If you had asked me how I was, sah, I should have + answered you very differently, sah. I am not well at all, sah. If I were + as well, and as ruddy, and as active as that lobster, sah, I would live + forever, sah. You heah me, sah? + </p> + <p> + “Why, of course, I am not familiar with the habits of the lobster, + sah, and do not know how to kearve the bosom of the bloomin' peri of + the summer sea, but that's no reason why the inflamed reptile should + get up on his hind feet and nestle up to me, sah, in that earnest and + forthwith manner, sah. + </p> + <p> + “I love dumb beasts, sah, and they love me, sah; but when they are + dead, sah, and I undertake to kearve them, sah, I desiah, sah, that they + should remain as the undertakah left them, sah. You doubtless heah me, + sah!” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0171" id="link2H_4_0171"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Plato. + </h2> + <p> + Plato was a Greek philosopher who flourished about 426 B.C., and kept on + flourishing for eighty-one years after that, when he suddenly ceased do + so. He early took to poetry, but when he found that his poems were + rejected by the Greek papers, he ceased writing poetry and went into the + philosophy business. At that time Greece had no regular philosopher, and + so Plato soon got all he could do. + </p> + <p> + Plato was a pupil of Socrates, who was himself no slouch of a philosopher. + Many and many a day did Socrates take his little class of kindergarten + philosophers up the shady banks of the Ilissus, and sit all day + discoursing to his pupils on deep and difficult doctrines, while his + unsandaled feet were bathed in the genial tide. Many happy hours were thus + spent. Socrates would take his dinner or tell some wonderful tale to his + class, whereby he would win their dinner himself. Then in the deep + Athenian shade, with his bare, Gothic feet in the clear, calm waters of + the Ilissus, he would eat the Grecian doughnut of his pupils, and while he + spoke in poetic terms of his belief, he would dig his heel in the mud and + heave a heart-broken sigh. + </p> + <p> + Such was Socrates, the great teacher. He got a small salary, and went + barefoot till after Thanksgiving. He was a great tutor, and boarded + around, teaching in the open air while the mosquitos bit his bare feet. No + tutor ever tuted with a more unselfish purpose or a smaller salary. + </p> + <p> + Plato maintained, among other things, that evil is connected with matter, + and aside from matter we do not find evil existing. That is true. At + least, such evil as we might find apart from matter would be outside the + jurisdiction of a police court. I think Plato was correct. Evil and matter + are inseparable. That's what's the matter. + </p> + <p> + It is quite common for us to say that virtue is its own reward. Plato held + that, while it was better to be virtuous as a matter of economy and + ultimate peace than not to be virtuous at all, he believed in being + virtuous for a higher reason. Probably it was notoriety. He would rather + be right than be president. He believed in being good just for the + excitement of it, and the notice it would attract, and not because it + paid. Plato was a great virtuoso. + </p> + <p> + Socrates would have been called a crank if he had lived in our day and + age, and if Plato were to go into London or New York and talk of + organizing a society for the encouragement of virtue among adult male + taxpayers he would have a lonesome time of it. Be virtuous and you will be + happy was a favorite motto with Plato. The legend is still quoted by those + who love to ransack the dead past. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: NEPTUNE TAKING A RIDE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0454}.jpg" alt="{0454}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0454}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Pluto was quite another party, and some get him mixed up with Plato. They + were not related in any way, Pluto being a son of Saturn and Rhea, who + flourished at about the same time as Plato. Pluto was a brother of Jupiter + and Neptune, and when the estate of Saturn was wound up, Jupiter wanted + the earth, and he got it. Neptune wanted the codfish conservatory and the + mermaid's home, so he took the deep, deep sea, and even yet he rides + around in a gold spangled stone boat on the pale green billows of the + summer sea, jabbing a pickerel ever and anon with a three pronged fork. He + leads a gay life, going to picnics with the mermaids in their coral caves, + or attending their full evening dress parties, clad in a trident and a + fall beard. He loves the sea, the lone, blue sea, and those who have seen + him turning handsprings on a sponge lawn, or riding in his water-tight + chariot with his feet over the dash-board, beside a slim young mermaid + with Paris green hair, and dressed in a tight-fitting, low-neck dorsal + fin, say he is a lively old party. + </p> + <p> + But Pluto was different. He stood around till the estate was all closed + up, and it looked as though he had got left. Just then the administrator + says: “Why, here's Pluto. He is going to come out of the + little end of the horn. He will have to hustle for himself,” Pluto + resented this and clinched with the administrator. They fought till each + had a watch pocket on the brow and an Irish sunset symphony in green under + the eye, while Jupiter and Neptune stood by and encouraged the fight. + Jupiter rather took sides with his brother, and Neptune stood in with the + administrator. In the midst of the confusion Jupiter speaks up and says: + “Swat him under the ear, Pluto.” Whereupon Neptune says to the + administrator. “Give him—hail.” The administrator paused + and said that was a good suggestion. He would do so. And so he forgave + Pluto and gave him—sheol. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0172" id="link2H_4_0172"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Expensive Word. + </h2> + <p> + Much that is annoying in this life is occasioned by the use of a high + priced word where a cheaper one would do. In these days of failure, + shortage at both ends and financial stringency generally, I often wonder + that some people should go on, day after day, using just as extravagant + language as they did during the flush times. When I get hard up the first + thing I do is to economize in my expressions in every day conversation. If + there is a marked stringency in business, I lay aside first, my French, + then my Latin, and finally my German. Should the times become greatly + depressed and failures and assignments become frequent, I begin to lop off + the large words in my own language, beginning with “incomprehensibility,” + “unconstitutionally,” etc., etc. + </p> + <p> + Julius Caesar's motto used to be, “Avoid an unusual word as + you would a rock at sea,” and Jule was right about it, too. Large + and unusual words, especially in the mouths of ignorant people, are worse + than “Rough on Rats” in a boarding-house pie. + </p> + <p> + Years ago there used to be a pompous cuss in southern Wisconsin, who was a + self-made man. Extremely so. Those who used to hear him assert again and + again that he was a self-made man always felt renewed confidence in the + Creator. + </p> + <p> + He rose one evening in a political meeting, and swelling out his bosom, as + his eagle eye rested on the chairman, he said: + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Cheerman! I move you that the cheer do appoint a committee of + three to attend to the matter under discussion, and that sayed committee + be clothed by the cheer with ominiscient and omnipotent powers.” + </p> + <p> + The motion was duly seconded and the cheerman said he guessed that it + wouldn't be necessary to put it to a vote. + </p> + <p> + “I guess it will be all right, Mr. Pinkham. I guess there'll + be no declivity to that.” + </p> + <p> + And so the committee was appointed and clothed with omniscient and + omnipotent powers, there being no declivity to it. + </p> + <p> + We had a self-made lawyer at one time in the northern part of the State + who would rather find a seventy-five cent word and use it in a speech + where it did not belong than to eat a good square meal. He was more fatal + to the King's English than O'Dynamite Rossa. One day he was + telling how methodical one of the county officials was. + </p> + <p> + “Why,” said he, “I never saw a man do so much and do it + so easy. But the secret of it is plain enough. You see, he has a regular + rotunda of business every day.” + </p> + <p> + If he meant anything, I suppose he meant a routine of business, but a man + would have to be a mind reader to follow him some days when he had about + six fingers of cough medicine aboard and began to paw around in the dark + and musty garret of his memory for moth-eaten words that didn't mean + anything. + </p> + <p> + A neighbor of mine went to Washington during the Guiteau trial and has + been telling us about it ever since. He is one of those people who don't + want to be close and stingy about what they know. He likes to go through + life shedding information right and left. He likes to get a crowd around + him and then tell how he was in Washington at the time of the “post + mortise examination.” “Boys, you may talk all your a mind to, + but the greatest thing I saw in Washington,” said he, “was Dr. + Mary Walker on the street every morning riding one of these philosophers.” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HE PAINTED THE FENCE GREEN.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8457}.jpg" alt="{8457} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8457}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + He painted the top of his fence green, last year, so it would “kind + of combinate with his blinds.” + </p> + <p> + If he would make his big words “combinate” with what he means + a little better, he would not attract so much attention. But he don't + care. He hates to see a big, fat word loafing around with nothing to do, + so he throws one in occasionally for exercise, I guess. + </p> + <p> + In the Minnesota legislature, in 1867, they had under discussion a bill to + increase the per diem of members from three dollars to five dollars. A + member of the lower house, who voted for the measure, was hauled over the + coals by one of his constituents and charged with corruption in no + unmeasured terms. To all this the legislator calmly answered that when he + got down to the capital and found out the awful price of board, he + concluded that his “per diadem” ought to be increased, and so + he supported the measure. Then the belligerent constituent said: + </p> + <p> + “I beg your pardon and acquit you of all charges of corruption, for + a legislator who does not know the difference between a crown of glory and + the price of a day's work is too big a blankety blanked fool to be + convicted of an intentional wrong.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0173" id="link2H_4_0173"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Petticoats at the Polls. + </h2> + <p> + There have been many reasons given, first and last, why women should not + vote, but I desire to say, in the full light of a ripe experience, that + some of them are fallacious. I refer more particularly to the argument + that it will degrade women to go to the polls and vote like a little man. + While I am not and have never been a howler for female suffrage, I must + admit that it is much more of a success than prohibition and speculative + science. + </p> + <p> + My wife voted eight years with my full knowledge and consent, and to-day I + cannot see but that she is as docile and as tractable as when she won my + trusting heart. + </p> + <p> + Now those who know me best will admit that I am not a ladies' man, + and, therefore, what I may say here is not said to secure favor and + grateful smiles. I am not attractive and I am not in politics. I believe + that I am homelier this winter than usual. There are reasons why I believe + that what I may say on this subject will be sincere and not sensational or + selfish. + </p> + <p> + It has been urged that good women do not generally exercise the right of + suffrage, when they have the opportunity, and that only those whose social + record has been tarnished a good deal go to the polls. This is not true. + </p> + <p> + It is the truth that a good full vote always shows a list of the best + women and the wives of the best men. A bright day makes a better showing + of lady voters than a bad one, and the weather makes a more perceptible + difference in the female vote than the male, but when things are exciting + and the battle is red-hot, and the tocsin of war sounds anon, the wife and + mother puts on her armor and her sealskin sacque and knocks things + cross-eyed. + </p> + <p> + It is generally supposed that the female voter is a pantaloonatic, a half + horse, half alligator kind of woman, who looks like Dr. Mary Walker and + has the appearance of one who has risen hastily in the night at the alarm + of fire and dressed herself partially in her own garments and partially in + her husband's. This is a popular error. In Wyoming, where female + suffrage has raged for years, you meet quiet, courteous and gallant + gentlemen, and fair, quiet, sensible women at the polls, where there isn't + a loud or profane word, and where it is an infinitely more proper place to + send a young lady unescorted than to the postoffice in any city in the + Union. You can readily see why this is so. The men about the polls are + always candidates and their friends. That is the reason that neither party + can afford to show the slightest rudeness toward a voter. The man who on + Wednesday would tell her to go and soak her head, perhaps, would stand + bareheaded to let her pass on Tuesday. While she holds a smashed ballot + shoved under the palm of her gray kid glove she may walk over the + candidate's prostrate form with impunity and her overshoes if she + chooses to. + </p> + <p> + Weeks and months before election in Wyoming, the party with the longest + purse subsidizes the most livery stables and carriages. Then, on the + eventful day, every conveyance available is decorated with a political + placard and driven by a polite young man who is instructed to improve the + time. Thus every woman in Wyoming has a chance to ride once a year, at + least. Lately, however, many prefer to walk to the polls, and they go in + pairs, trios and quartettes, voting their little sentiments and calmly + returning to their cookies and crazy quilts as though politics didn't + jar their mental poise a minute. + </p> + <p> + It is possible, and even probable, that a man and his wife may disagree on + politics as they might on religion. The husband may believe in Andrew + Jackson and a relentless hell, while his wife may be a stalwart and rather + liberal on the question of eternal punishment. If the husband manages his + wife as he would a clothes-wringer, and turns her through life by a crank, + he will, no doubt, work her politically; but if she has her own ideas + about things, she will naturally act upon them, while the man who is + henpecked in other matters till he can't see out of his eyes, will + be henpecked, no doubt, in the matter of national and local politics. + </p> + <p> + These are a few facts about the actual workings of female suffrage, and I + do not tackle the great question of the ultimate results upon the + political machinery if woman suffrage were to become general. I do not + pretend to say as to that. I know a great deal, but I do not know that. + There are millions of women, no doubt who are better qualified to vote, + and yet cannot, than millions of alleged men who do vote; but no one can + tell now what the ultimate effect of a change might be. + </p> + <p> + So far as Wyoming is concerned, the Territory is prosperous and happy. I + see, also, that a murderer was hung by process of law there the other day. + That looks like the onward march of reform, whether female suffrage had + anything to do with it or not. And they're going to hang another in + March if the weather is favorable and executive clemency remains dormant, + as I think it will. + </p> + <p> + All these things look hopeful. We can't tell what the Territory + would have been without female suffrage, but when they begin to hang men + by law instead of by moonlight, the future begins to brighten up. When you + have to get up in the night to hang a man every little while and don't + get any per diem for it, you feel as though you were a good way from home. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0174" id="link2H_4_0174"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Sedentary Hen. + </h2> + <p> + Though generally cheerful and content with her lot, the hen at times + becomes moody, sullen and taciturn. We are often called upon to notice and + profit by the genial and sunny disposition of the hen, and yet there are + times in her life when she is morose, cynical, and the prey of consuming + melancholy. At such times not only her own companions, but man himself + shuns the hen. + </p> + <p> + At first she seems to be preoccupied only. She starts and turns pale when + suddenly spoken to. Then she leaves her companions and seems to be the + victim of hypochondria. Then her mind wanders. At last you come upon her + suddenly some day, seated under the currant bushes. You sympathize with + her and you seek to fondle her. She then picks a small memento out of the + back of your hand. You then gently but firmly coax her out of there with a + hoe, and you find that she has been seated for some time on an old croquet + ball, trying to hatch out a whole set of croquet balls. This shows that + her mind is affected. You pick up the croquet ball, and find it hot and + feverish, so you throw it into the shade of the woodshed. Anon, you find + your demented hen in the loft of the barn hovering over a door knob and + trying by patience and industry to hatch out a hotel. + </p> + <p> + When a hen imagines that she is inspired to incubate, she at once ceases + to be an ornament to society and becomes a crank. She violates all the + laws and customs of nature and society in trying to hatch a conservatory + by setting through the long days and nights of summer on a small flower + pot. + </p> + <p> + Man may win the affections of the tiger, the lion, or the huge elephant, + and make them subservient to his wishes, but the setting hen is not + susceptible to affection. You might as well love the Manitoba blizzard or + try to quell the cyclone by looking calmly in its eye. The setting hen is + filled with hatred for every living thing. She loves to brood over her + wrongs or anything else she can find to squat on. + </p> + <p> + I once owned a hen that made a specialty of setting. She never ceased to + be the proud anonymous author of a new, warm egg, but she yearned to be a + parent. She therefore seated herself on a nest where other hens were in + the habit of leaving their handiwork for inspection. She remained there + during the summer hatching steadily on while the others laid, until she + filled my barnyard with little orphaned henlets of different ages. She + remained there night and day, patiently turning out poultry for me to be a + father to. I brought up on the bottle about one hundred that summer that + had been turned out by this morbidly maternal hen. All she seemed to ask + in return was my kind regards and esteem. I fed her upon the nest and + humored her in every way. Every day she became a parent, and every day + added to my responsibility. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: SUCCESS WITH CHICKENS.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9463}.jpg" alt="{9463}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9463}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + One day I noticed that she seemed weak and there was a far away look in + her eye. For the first time the horrible truth burst upon my mind. I + buried my face in the haymow and I am not ashamed to say that I wept. + Strong man as I am, I am not too proud to say that I soaked that haymow + through with unavailing tears. + </p> + <p> + My hen was dying even then. Her breath came hot and quick like the swift + rush of a hot ball that caves in the short-stop and speeds away to + center-field. + </p> + <p> + The next morning one hundred chickens of various sizes were motherless, + and if anything had happened to me they would have been fatherless. + </p> + <p> + For many years I have made a close study of the setting hen, but I am + still unsettled as to what is best to do with her. She is a freak of + nature, a disagreeable anomaly, a fussy phenomenon. Logic, rhetoric and + metaphor are all alike to the setting hen. You might as well go down into + the bosom of Vesuvius and ask it to postpone the next eruption. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0175" id="link2H_4_0175"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Bright Future for Pugilism. + </h2> + <p> + The recent prominence of Mr. John E. Dempsey, better known as Jack + Dempsey, of New York, brings to mind a four days' trip taken in his + company from Portland, Oregon, to St. Paul, over the Northern Pacific. + </p> + <p> + There were three pugilists in the party besides myself, viz. Dempsey, Dave + Campbell and Tom Cleary. We made a grand, triumphant tour across the + country together, and I may truthfully state that I never felt so free to + say anything I wanted to—to other passengers—as I did at that + time. I wish I could afford to take at least one pugilist with me all the + time. In traveling about the country lecturing, a good pugilist would be + of great assistance. I would like to set him on the man who always asks: + “Where do you go to from here, Mr. Nye?” He does not ask + because he wants to know, for the next moment he asks right over again. I + do not know why he asks, but surely it is not for the purpose of finding + out. + </p> + <p> + Well, throughout our long journey across the State of Oregon and the + Territories of Idaho, Montana and Dakota, and the State of Minnesota, it + was one continual ovation. Dempsey had a world-wide reputation, I found, + co-extensive with the horizon, as I may say, and bounded only by the + zodiac. + </p> + <p> + In my great forthcoming work, entitled “Half-Hours with Great Men, + or Eminent People Which I Have Saw,” I shall give a fuller + description of this journey. The book will be a great boon. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Dempsey is not a man who would be picked out as a great man. You might + pass by him two or three times without recognizing his eminence, and yet, + at a scrapping matinee or swatting recital, he seems to hold his audiences + at his own sweet will—also his antagonist. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Dempsey does not crave notoriety. He seems rather to court seclusion. + This is characteristic of the man. See how he walked around all over the + State of New York last week—in the night, too—in order to + evade the crowd. + </p> + <p> + His logic, however, is wonderful. Though quiet and unassuming in his + manner, his arguments are powerful and generally make a large protuberance + wherever they alight. + </p> + <p> + Nothing is more pleasing than the sight of a man who has risen by his own + unaided effort, fought his way up, as it were, and yet who is not vain. + Mr. Dempsey conversed with me frequently during our journey, and did not + seem to feel above me. + </p> + <p> + I opened the conversation by telling him that I had seen a number of his + works. Nothing pleases a young author so much as a little friendly remark + in relation to his work. I had seen a study of his one day in New York + last spring. It was an italic nose with quotation marks on each side. + </p> + <p> + It was a very happy little bon mot on Mr. Dempsey's part, and + attracted a good deal of notice at the time. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Dempsey is not a college graduate, as many suppose. He is a self-made + man. This should be a great encouragement to our boys who are now unknown, + and whose portraits have not as yet appeared in the sporting papers. + </p> + <p> + But Mr. Dempsey's great force as a debater is less, perhaps, in the + matter than in the manner. His delivery is good and his gestures cannot + fail to convince the most skeptical. Striking in appearance, aggressive in + his nature, and happy in his gestures, he is certain to attract the + attention of the police, and he cannot fail to rivet the eye of his + adversary. I saw one of his adversaries, not long ago, whose eye had been + successfully riveted in that way. + </p> + <p> + And yet, John E. Dempsey was once a poor boy. He had none of the + advantages which wealth and position bring. But, confident of his latent + ability as a middle-weight convincer, he toiled on, ever on, sitting up + until long after other people had gone to bed, patiently knocking out + those who might be brought to him for that purpose. He never hung back + because the way looked long and lonely. And what is the result? To-day, in + the full vigor of manhood, he is sought out and petted by everyone who + takes an interest in the onward march of pugilism. + </p> + <p> + It is a wonderful record, though brief. It shows what patient industry + will accomplish unaided. Had John E. Dempsey hesitated to enter the ring + and said that he would rather go to school, where he would be safe, he + might to-day be an educated man; but what does that amount to here in + America, where everybody can have an education? He would have lost his + talent as a slugger, and drifted steadily downward, perhaps, till he + became a school-teacher or a narrow-chested editor, writing things day + after day just to gratify the morbid curiosity of a sin-cursed world. + </p> + <p> + In closing, I would like to say that I hope I have not expressed an + opinion in the above that may hereafter be used against me. Do not + understand me to be the foe of education. Education and refinement are + good enough in their places, but how shall we attract attention by trying + to become refined and educated in a land where, as I say, education and + refinement seem almost to run rampant. + </p> + <p> + Heretofore, in America, pugilism has been made subservient to the common + schools. Pugilism and polygamy have both been crowded to the wall. Now + pugilism is about to assert itself. The tin ear and the gory nose will + soon come to the front, and the day is not far distant when progressive + pugilism and the prize-ring will take the place of the poorly ventilated + common school and the enervating prayer meeting. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0176" id="link2H_4_0176"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Snake Indian. + </h2> + <p> + There are about 5,000 Snake or Shoshone Indians now extant, the greater + part being in Utah and Nevada, though there is a reservation in Idaho and + another in Wyoming. + </p> + <p> + The Shoshone Indian is reluctant to accept of civilization on the European + plan. He prefers the ruder customs which have been handed down from father + to son along with other hairlooms. I use the word hairlooms in its + broadest sense. + </p> + <p> + There are the Shoshones proper and the Utes or Utahs, to which have been + added by some authorities the Comanches, and Moquis of New Mexico and + Arizona, the Netelas and other tribes of California. The Shoshone, + wherever found, is clothed in buckskin and blanket in winter, but dressed + more lightly in summer, wearing nothing but an air of intense gloom in + August. To this he adds on holidays a necklace made from the store teeth + of the hardy pioneer. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: HOLIDAY COSTUME.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8467}.jpg" alt="{8467} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8467}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The Snake or Shoshone Indian is passionately fond of the game known as + poker among us, and which, I learn, is played with cards. It is a game of + chance, though skill and a thorough knowledge of firearms are of great + use. The Indians enter into this game with great zeal, and lend to it the + wonderful energy which they have preserved from year to year by abstaining + from the debilitating effects of manual labor. All day long the red + warrior sits in his skin boudoir, nursing the sickly and reluctant “flush,” + patient, silent and hopeful. Through the cold of winter in the desolate + mountains, he continues to + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Hope on, hope ever,” + </pre> + <p> + that he will “draw to fill.” Far away up the canyon he hears + the sturdy blows of his wife's tomahawk as she slaughters the grease + wood and the sage brush for the fire in his gilded hell where he sits and + woos the lazy Goddess of Fortune. + </p> + <p> + With the Shoshone, poker is not alone a relaxation, the game wherewith to + wear out a long and listless evening, but it is a passion, a duty and a + devotion. He has a face designed especially for poker. It never shows a + sign of good or evil fortune. You might as well try to win a smile from a + railroad right of way. The full hand, the fours, threes, pairs and + bob-tail flushes are all the same to him, if you judge by his face. + </p> + <p> + When he gets hungry he cinches himself a little tighter and continues to + “rastle” with fate. You look at his smoky, old copper cent of + a face, and you see no change. You watch him as he coins the last buckshot + of his tribe and later on when he goes forth a pauper, and the corners of + his famine-breeding mouth have never moved, His little black, + smoke-inflamed eyes have never lighted with triumph or joy. He is the + great aboriginal stoic and sylvan dude. He does not smile. He does not + weep. It certainly must be intensely pleasant to be a wild, free, lawless, + irresponsible, natural born fool. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: GOING AWAY BROKE.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9468}.jpg" alt="{9468}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9468}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The Shoshones proper include the Bannocks, which are again subdivided into + the Koolsitakara or Buffalo Eaters, on Wind River, the Tookarika or + Mountain Sheep Eaters, on Salmon or Suabe Eivers, the Shoshocas or White + Knives, sometimes called Diggers, of the Humbolt Eiver and the Great Salt + Lake basin. Probably the Hokandikahs, Yahooskins and the Wahlpapes are + subdivisions of the Digger tribe. I am 'not sure of this, but I + shall not suspend my business till I can find out about it. If I cannot + get at a great truth right off I wait patiently and go right on drawing my + salary. + </p> + <p> + The Shoshones live on the government and other small game. They will eat + anything when hungry, from a buffalo down to a woodtick. The Shoshone does + not despise small things. He loves insects in any form. He loves to make + pets of them and to study their habits in his home life. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE HOME CIRCLE.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0469}.jpg" alt="{0469}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0469}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Formerly, when a great Shoshone warrior died, they killed his favorite + wife over his grave, so that she could go to the happy hunting grounds + with him, but it is not so customary now. I tried to impress on an old + Shoshone brave once that they ought not to do that. I tried to show him + that it would encourage celibacy and destroy domestic ties in his tribe. + Since then there has been quite a stride toward reform among them. Instead + of killing the widow on the death of the husband, the husband takes such + good care of his health and avoids all kinds of intellectual strain or + physical fatigue, that late years there are no widows, but widowers just + seem to swarm in the Shoshone tribe. The woods are full of them. + </p> + <p> + Now, if they would only kill the widower over the grave of the wife, the + Indian's future would assume a more definite shape. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0177" id="link2H_4_0177"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Roller Skating. + </h2> + <p> + I have once more tried to ride a pair of roller skates. That is the reason + I got down on the rink and down on roller skates. That is the reason + several people got down on me. That is also the reason why I now state in + a public manner, to a lost and undone race, that unless the roller-rink is + at once abolished, the whole civilized race will at once be plunged into + arnica. + </p> + <p> + I had tried it once before, but had not carried my experiments to a + successful termination. I made a trip around the rink last August, but was + ruled out by the judges for incompetency, and advised to skate among the + people who were hostile to the government of the United States, while the + proprietors repaired the rink. + </p> + <p> + On the 9th of June I nestled in the bosom of a cyclone to excess, and it + has required the bulk of the succeeding months for nature to glue the bone + of my leg together in proper shape. That is the reason I have not given + the attention to roller-skating that I should. + </p> + <p> + A few weeks ago I read what Mr. Talmage said about the great national + vice. It was his opinion that, if we skated in a proper spirit, we could + leave the rink each evening with our immortal souls in good shape. + </p> + <p> + Somehow it got out that on Thursday evening I would undertake the feat of + skating three rounds in three hours with no protection to my scruples, for + one-half the gate money, Talmage rules. So there was quite a large + audience present with opera glasses. Some had umbrellas, especially on the + front rows. These were worn spread, in order to ward off fragments of the + rink which might become disengaged and set in motion by atmospheric + disturbances. + </p> + <p> + In obedience to a wild, Wagnerian snort from the orchestra, I came into + the arena with my skates in hand. I feel perfectly at home before an + audience when I have my skates in hand. It is a morbid desire to wear the + skates on my feet that has always been my <i>bete noire</i>. Will the + office boy please give me a brass check for that word so that I can get it + when I go away? + </p> + <p> + My first thought, after getting myself secured to the skates, was this: + “Am I in the proper frame of mind? Am I doing this in the right + spirit? Am I about to skate in such a way as to lift the fog of unbelief + which now envelopes a sinful world, or shall I deepen the opaque night in + which my race is wrapped?” + </p> + <p> + Just then that end of the rink erupted in a manner so forthwith and so <i>tout + ensemble</i> that I had to push it back in place with my person. I never + saw anything done with less delay or less languor. + </p> + <p> + The audience went wild with enthusiasm, and I responded to the encore by + writing my name in the air with my skates. + </p> + <p> + This closed the first seance, and my trainer took me in the dressing-room + to attend a consultation of physicians. After the rink carpenter had + jacked up the floor a little I went out again. I had no fears about my + ability to perform the mechanical part assigned me, but I was still + worried over the question of whether it would or would not be of lasting + benefit to mankind. + </p> + <p> + Those who have closely scrutinized my frame in repose have admitted that I + am fearfully and wonderfully made. Students of the human frame say that + they never saw such a wealth of looseness and limberness lavished upon one + person. They claim that nature bestowed upon me the hinges and joints + intended for a whole family, and therefore when I skate the air seems to + be perfectly lurid with limbs. I presume that this is true; though I have + so little leisure while skating in which to observe the method itself, the + plot or animus of the thing, as it were, that my opinion would be of + little value to the scientist. + </p> + <p> + I am led to believe that the roller skate is certainly a great civilizer + and a wonderful leveler of mankind. If we so skate that when the summons + comes to seek our ward in the general hospital, where each shall heal his + busted cuticle within the walls where rinkists squirm, we go not like the + moral wreck, morally paralyzed, but like a hired man taking his medicine, + and so forth—we may skate with perfect impunity, or anyone else to + whom we may be properly introduced by our cook. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0178" id="link2H_4_0178"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + No More Frontier. + </h2> + <p> + The system of building railroads into the wilderness, and then allowing + the wilderness to develop afterward, has knocked the essential joy out of + the life of the pioneer. At one time the hardy hewer of wood and drawer of + water gave his lifetime willingly that his son might ride in the “varnished + cars.” Now the Pullman palace car takes the New Yorker to the + threshold of the sea, or to the boundary line between the United States + and the British possessions. + </p> + <p> + It has driven out the long handled frying pan and the flapjack of twenty + years ago, and introduced the condensed milk and canned fruit of commerce. + Along the highways, where once the hopeful hundreds marched with long + handled shovel and pick and pan, cooking by the way thin salt pork and + flapjacks and slumgullion, now the road is lined with empty beer bottles + and peach cans that have outlived their usefulness. No landscape can be + picturesque with an empty peach can in the foreground any more than a lion + would look grand in a red monogram horse blanket and false teeth. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9472}.jpg" alt="{9472}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9472}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The modern camp is not the camp of the wilderness. It wears the + half-civilized and shabby genteel garments of a sawed-off town. You know + that if you ride a day you will be where you can get the daily papers and + read them under the electric light. That robs the old canyons of their + solemn isolation and peoples each gulch with the odor of codfish balls and + civilization. Civilization is not to blame for all this, and yet it seems + sad. + </p> + <p> + Civilization could not have done all this alone. It had to call to its aid + the infernal fruit can that now desolates the most obscure trail in the + heart of the mountains. You walk over chaos where the “hydraulic” + has plowed up the valley like a convulsion, or you tread the yielding path + across the deserted dump, and on all sides the rusty, neglected and + humiliated empty tin can stares at you with its monotonous, dude-like + stare. + </p> + <p> + An old timer said to me once: “I've about decided, Bill, that + the West is a matter of history. When we cooked our grub over a sage brush + fire we could get fat and fight Indians, but now we fill our digesters + with the cold pizen and pewter of the canned peach; we go to a big tavern + and stick a towel under our chins and eat pie with a fork and heat up our + carkisses with antichrist coal, and what do we amount to? Nuthin! I used + to chase Injuns all day and eat raw salt pork at night, bekuz I dassent + build a fire, and still I felt better than I do now with a wad of tin-can + solder in my stummick and a homesick feeling in my weather-beaten breast. + </p> + <p> + “No, we don't have the fun we used to. We have more swarrees + and sciatica and one bloomin' thing and another of that kind, but we + don't get one snort of pure air and appetite in a year. They're + bringin' in their blamed telephones now and malaria and aigue and + old sledge, and fun might as well skip out. There ain't no frontier + any more. All we've got left is the old-fashioned trantler joos and + rhumatiz of '49.” + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Behind the red squaw's cayuse plug, + The hand-car roars and raves, + And pie-plant pies are now produced + Above the Indian graves. + I hear the oaths of pioneers, + The caucus yet to be, + The first low hum where soon will + The fuzzy bumble bee. +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0179" id="link2H_4_0179"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Letter of Regrets. + </h2> + <p> + My dear Princess Beatrice—I received your kind invitation to come up + to Whippingham on the 23d inst. and see you married, but I have not been + able to get there. The weather has been so hot this month, that, to tell + you the truth, Beatrice, I haven't been going anywhere to speak of. + At first I thought I would go anyhow, and even went so far as to pick out + a nice corner bracket to take along for a wedding present. Not so much for + its intrinsic value, of course, but so you would have something with my + name to it on a card that you could show to those English dudes, and let + them know that you had influential friends, even in America. But when I + thought what a long, hard trip it would be, and how I would probably mash + that bracket on the cars before I got half way there, I gave it up. + </p> + <p> + I am not personally acquainted with your inamorato, if that's all + right, never having met him in our set; but I understand you have done + well, and that your husband is a rising young man of good family, and that + he will never allow you to put your hands into dishwater. I hope this is + true and that he does not drink. Rum has certainly paralyzed more dukes + and such things than war has. I attribute this to the fact that princes + and dukes are generally more reckless about exposing themselves to the + demon rum than to the rude alarums and one thing another of war. + </p> + <p> + If you keep a girl I hope you will get a good one who knows her business. + A green girl in the house of a newly-married princess is a great source of + annoyance. A friend of mine who got married last winter got a girl whose + mind had been eaten by cut-worms and she had not discovered it. All the + faculty that had been spared her was that power of the mind which enabled + her to charge $3 a week. She lubricated the buckwheat pancake griddle for + a week with soap grease and a dash of castor oil, and when she was + discharged she wept bitterly because capital with the iron heel ground the + poor servant girl into the dust. + </p> + <p> + Probably you will take a little tour after the wedding is over. They are + doing that way a good deal in Boston this season. I thought you would like + a pointer in the very lum-tumest thing to do, and so I write this. So long + as you have the means to do this thing right, I think you ought to do so. + You may never be married again, princess, and now is the time to paint the + British Isles red. + </p> + <p> + You can also get more concessions from your husband now, while he is a + little rattled, and temporarily knocked silly by the pomp and pageant of + marrying into your family, and if you work it right you can maintain this + supremacy for years. Treat him with a gentle firmness, and do not weep on + his bosom if you detect the aroma of beer and bologna sausage on his young + breath. Bologna and royalty do not seem to harmonize first-rate, but + remember you can harass your husband if you choose, so that he will fall + to even lower depths than bologna and Milwaukee beer. Do not aggravate him + when he comes home tired, but help him do the chores and greet him with a + smile. + </p> + <p> + I'd just as soon tell you, Beatrice, that this smile racket is not + original with me. I read it in a paper. This paper went on to say that a + young wife should always greet her husband with a smile on his return. I + showed the article to my wife and suggested that it was a good scheme, and + hoped she would try it on me sometime. She said if I would like to change + off awhile, and take my smile when I got home instead of taking it down + town, we would make the experiment. The trouble with the average woman of + the age in which we live, Beatrice, is that she is above her business. She + tries to be superior to her husband, and in many instances she succeeds. + That is the bane of wedded life. Do not strive to be superior to your + husband, Beatrice. If you do, it is good-bye, John. + </p> + <p> + Treat him well at all times, whether he treats you well or not; then when + your mother gets tired of reigning and wants to come down and spend the + hot weather with you, she will be kindly greeted by her son-in-law. + </p> + <p> + Do not allow the fact that you belong to the royal family to interfere + with your fun, Beatrice. If you want to wear a Mother Hubbard dress on the + throne during hot weather, or mash a mosquito with your mother's + sceptre, do so. Conventionality is a humbug and a nuisance, and I'd + just as soon tell you right here that if I could have gone to your wedding + and worn a linen coat and a perspiration, I would have gone; but to stand + around there all day in a tight black suit of clothes, in a mixed crowd of + dukes, and counts, and princes of high degree, most of whom are total + strangers to me, is more than I can stand. + </p> + <p> + I wish you would give my love to your mother and tell her just how it was. + Make it as smooth as you can and break it to her gently. Tell her that the + royal family is spreading out so that I can't leave my work every + time one of its members gets married. Remember me to the Waleses, the + Darmstadts, Princess Irene and Victoria, Mr. and Mrs. Prince Alexander of + Bulgaria, also Prince Francis of Battenberg and the Countess Erbach + Schomberg. They will all be there probably, and so will Lord Latham and + Lord Edgcumbe. I know just how Edgcumbe will snort around there when he + finds that I can't be there. Give my kind regards to any other + lords, dukes, duchesses, dowagers or marchionesses who may inquire for me, + and tell them all that I will be in London next year if the Prince of + Wales will drop me a line stating that the moral tone of the city is such + that it would be safe for me to come. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0476}.jpg" alt="{0476}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0476}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0180" id="link2H_4_0180"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Venice. + </h2> + <p> + We arrived in Venice last evening, latitude 45 deg. 25 min, N., longitude + 12 deg. 19 min. E. + </p> + <p> + Venice is the home of the Venetian, and also where the gondola has its + nest and rears its young. It is also the headquarters for the paint known + as Venetian red. They use it in painting the town on festive occasions. + This is the town where the Merchant of Venice used to do business, and the + home of Shylock, a broker, who sheared the Venetian lamb at the corner of + the Rialto and the Grand Canal. He is now no more. I couldn't even + find an old neighbor near the Rialto who remembered Shylock. From what I + can learn of him, however, I am led to believe that he was pretty close in + his deals, and liked to catch a man in a tight place and then make him + squirm. Shylock, during the great panic in Venice, many years ago, it is + said, had a chattel mortgage on more lives than you could shake a stick + at. He would loan a small amount to a merchant at three per cent, a month, + and secure it on a pound of the merchant's liver, or by a cut-throat + mortgage on his respiratory apparatus. Then, when the paper matured, he + would go up to the house with a pair of scales and a pie knife and demand + a foreclosure. + </p> + <p> + Venice is one of the best watered towns in Europe. You can hardly walk a + block without getting your feet wet, unless you ride in a gondola. + </p> + <p> + The gondola is a long, slim hack without wheels and is worked around + through the damp streets by a brunette man whose breath should be a sad + framing to us all. He is called the gondolier. Sometimes he sings in a low + tone of voice and in a foreign tongue. I do not know where I have met so + many foreigners as I have here in Europe, unless it was in New York, at + the polls. Wherever I go, I hear a foreign tongue. I do not know whether + these people talk in the Italian language just to show off or not. Perhaps + they prefer it. London is the only place I have visited where the Boston + dialect is used. London was originally settled by adventurers from Boston. + The blood of some of the royal families of Massachusetts may be found in + the veins of London people. + </p> + <p> + Wealthy young ladies in Venice do not run away with the coachman. There + are no coaches, no coachmen and no horses in Venice. There are only four + horses in Venice and they are made of copper and exhibited at St Mark's + as curiosities. + </p> + <p> + The Accademia delle Belle Arti of Venice is a large picture store where I + went yesterday to buy a few pictures for Christmas presents. A painting by + Titian, the Italian Prang, pleased me very much, but I couldn't beat + down the price to where it would be any object for me to buy it. Besides, + it would be a nuisance to carry such a picture around with me all over the + Alps, up the Rhine and through St. Lawrence county. I finally decided to + leave it and secure something less awkward to carry and pay for. + </p> + <p> + The Italians are quite proud of their smoky old paintings. I have often + thought that if Venice would run less to art and more to soap, she would + be more apt to win my respect. Art is all right to a certain extent, but + it can be run in the ground. It breaks my heart to know how lavish nature + has been with water here, and yet how the Venetians scorn to investigate + its benefits. When a gondolier gets a drop of water on him, he swoons. + Then he lies in a kind of coma till another gondolier comes along to + breathe in his face and revive him. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0181" id="link2H_4_0181"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + She Kind of Coaxed Him. + </h2> + <p> + I never practiced law very much, but during the brief period that my + sheet-iron sign was kissed by the Washoe zephyr, I had several odd + experiences. I'm sure that lawyers who practice for forty years, + especially on the frontier or in a new country, could write a large book + that would make mighty interesting reading. + </p> + <p> + One day I was figuring up how much a man could save in ten years, paying + forty dollars a month rent, and taking in two dollars and fifty cents per + month, when a large man with a sad eye and an early purple tumor on the + side of his head, came in and asked me if my name was Nye. I told him it + was and asked him to take a chair and spit on the stove a few times, and + make himself entirely at home. + </p> + <p> + He did so. + </p> + <p> + After answering in a loud, tremulous tone of voice that we were having + rather a backward spring, he produced a red cotton handkerchief and took + out of it a deed which he submitted to my ripe and logical legal mind. + </p> + <p> + I asked him if that was his name that appeared in the body of the deed as + grantor. He said it was. I then asked him why his wife had not signed it, + as it seemed to be the homestead, and her name appeared in the instrument + with that of her husband, but her signature wasn't at the foot, + though his name was duly signed, witnessed and acknowledged. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said he, “there's where the gazelle comes + in.” He then took a bite off the corner of a plug of tobacco about + as big as a railroad land grant, and laid two twenty dollar gold pieces on + the desk near my arm. I took them and tapped them together like the + cashier of the Bank of England, and, disguising my annoyance over the + little episode, told him to go on. + </p> + <p> + “Well,” said the large man, fondling the wen which nestled + lovingly in his faded Titian hair, “my wife has conscientious + scruples against signing that deed. We have been married about a year now, + but not actively for the past eleven months. I'm kind of <i>ex-officio</i> + husband, as you might say. After we'd been married about a month a + little incident occurred which made a riffle, as you might say, in our + domestic tide. I was division master on the U.P., and one night I got an + order to go down towards Sidney and look at a bridge. Of course I couldn't + get back till the next evening. So I sighed and switched off to the + superintendent's office, expecting to go over on No. 4 and look at + the bridge. At the office they told me that I needn't go till + Tuesday, so I strolled up town and got home about nine o'clock, went + in with a latch key, just as a mutual friend went out through the bed-room + window, taking a sash that I paid two dollars for. I didn't care for + the sash, because he left a pair of pantaloons worth twelve dollars and + some silver in the pockets, but I thought it was such odd taste for a man + to wear a sash without his uniform. + </p> + <p> + “Well, as I had documentary evidence against my wife, I told her she + could take a vacation. She cried a good deal, but it didn't count I + suffered a good deal, but tears did not avail. It takes a good deal of + damp weather to float me out of my regular channel. She spent the night + packing her trousseau, and in the morning she went away. Now, I could get + a divorce and save all this trouble of getting her signature, but I'd + rather not tell this whole business in court, for the little woman seems + to be trying to do better, and if it wasn't for her blamed old hyena + of a mother, would get along tip-top. She's living with her mother + now and if a lawyer would go to the girl and tell her how it is, and that + I want to sell the property and want her signature, in place of getting a + divorce, I believe she'd sign. Would you mind trying it?” + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “COAXING."} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9480}.jpg" alt="{9480}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9480}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I said if I could get time I would go over and talk with her and see what + she said. So I did. I got along pretty well, too. I found the young woman + at home, and told her the legal aspects of the case. She wouldn't + admit any of the charges, but after a long parley agreed to execute the + deed and save trouble. She came to my office an hour later, and signed the + instrument I got two witnesses to the signature and had just put the + notarial seal on it when the girl's mother came in. She asked her + daughter if she had signed the deed and was told that she had. She said + nothing, but smiled in a way that made my blood run cold. If a woman were + to smile on me that way every day, I should certainly commit some great + crime. + </p> + <p> + I was just congratulating myself on the success of the business, and was + looking at the two $20 gold pieces and trying to get acquainted with them, + as it were, after the two women had gone away; when they returned with the + husband and son-in-law at the head of the procession. He looked pale and + careworn to me. He asked me in a low voice if I had a deed there, executed + by his wife. I said yes. He then asked me if I would kindly destroy it. I + said I would. I would make deeds and tear them up all day at $40 apiece. I + said I liked the conveyancing business very much, and if a client felt + like having a grand, warranty deed debauch, I was there to furnish the raw + material. + </p> + <p> + I then tore up the deed and the two women went quietly away. After they + had gone, my client, in an absent-minded way, took out a large quid that + had outlived its usefulness, laid it tenderly on the open page of Estey's + Pleadings, and said: + </p> + <p> + “You doubtless think I am a singular organization, and that my ways + are past finding out. I wish to ask you if I did right a moment ago?” + Here he took out another $20 and put it under the paper weight. “When + I went down stairs I met my mother-in-law. She always looked to me like a + firm woman, but I did not think she was so unswerving as she really was. + She asked me in a low, musical voice to please destroy the deed, and then + she took one of them Smith & Wesson automatic advance agents of death + out from under her apron and kind of wheedled me into saying I would. Now, + did I do right? I want a candid, legal opinion, and I'm ready to pay + for it.” + </p> + <p> + I said he did perfectly right. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0182" id="link2H_4_0182"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Answering an Invitation. + </h2> + <p> + Hudson, Wis., January 19, 1886. + </p> + <p> + Dear friend.—I have just received your kind and cordial invitation + to come to Washington and spend several weeks there among the eminent men + of our proud land. I would be glad to go as you suggest, but I cannot do + so at this time. I am passionately fond of mingling with the giddy whirl + of good society. I hope you will not feel that my reason for declining + your kind invitation is that I feel myself above good society. I assure + you I do not. + </p> + <p> + Nothing pleases me better than to dress up and mingle among my fellow-men, + with a sprinkling here and there of the other sex. It is true that the + most profitable study for mankind is man, but we should not overlook + woman. Woman is now seeking to be emancipated. Let us put our great, + strong arms around her and emancipate her. Even if we cannot emancipate + but one, we shall not have lived entirely for naught. + </p> + <p> + I am told by those upon whom I can rely that there are hundreds of + attractive young women throughout our joyous land who have arrived at + years of discretion and yet who have never been emancipated. I met a woman + on the cars last week who is lecturing on this subject, and she told me + all about it. Now, the question at once presents itself, how shall we + emancipate woman unless we go where she is? We must go right into society + and take her by the hand and never let go of her hand till she is properly + emancipated. Not only must she be emancipated, but she must be emancipated + from her present thralldom. Thralldom of this kind is liable to break out + in any community, and those who are now in perfect health may pine away in + a short time and flicker. + </p> + <p> + My course, while mingling in society's mad whirl, is to first open + the conversation with a young lady by leading her away to the + conservatory, where I ask her if she has ever been the victim of thralldom + and whether or not she has ever been ground under the heel of the tyrant + man. I then time her pulse for thirty minutes, so as to strike a good + average. The emancipation of woman is destined at some day to become one + of our leading industries. + </p> + <p> + You also ask me to kindly lead the German while there. I would cheerfully + do so, but owing to the wobbly eccentricity of my cyclone leg, it would be + sort of a broken German. But I could sit near by and watch the game with a + furtive glance, and fan the young ladies between the acts, and converse + with them in low, earnest, passionate tones. I like to converse with + people in whom I take an interest. I was conversing with a young lady one + evening at a recherche ball in my far away home in the free and unfettered + West, a very brilliant affair, I remember, under the auspices of Hose + Company No. 2, I was talking in a loud and earnest way to this liquid-eyed + creature, a little louder than usual, because the music was rather forte + just then, and the base viol virtuoso was bearing on rather hard at that + moment. The music ceased with a sudden snort. And so did my wife, who was + just waltzing past us. If I had ceased to converse at the same time that + the music shut off, all might have been well, but I did not. + </p> + <p> + Your remark that the president and cabinet would be glad to see me this + winter is ill-timed. + </p> + <p> + There have been times when it would have given me much pleasure to visit + Washington, but I did not vote for Mr. Cleveland, to tell the truth, and I + know that if I were to go to the White House and visit even for a few + days, he would reproach me and throw it up to me. It is true I did not + pledge myself to vote for him, but still I would hate to go to a man's + house and eat his popcorn and use his smoking tobacco after I had voted + against him and talked about him as I have about Cleveland. + </p> + <p> + No, I can't be a hypocrite. I am right out, open and above board. If + I talk about a man behind his back, I won't go and gorge myself with + his victuals. I was assured by parties in whom I felt perfect confidence + that Mr. Cleveland was a “moral leper,” and relying on such + assurances from men in whom I felt that I could trust, and not being at + that time where I could ask Mr. Cleveland in person whether he was or was + not a moral leper as aforesaid, I assisted in spreading the report that he + had been exposed to moral leprosy, and as near as I could learn, he was + liable to come down with it at any time. + </p> + <p> + So that even if I go to Washington I shall put up at a hotel and pay my + bills just as any other American citizen would. I know how it is with Mr. + Cleveland at this time. When the legislature is in session there, people + come in from around Buffalo with their butter and eggs to sell, and stay + overnight with the president. But they should not ride a free horse to + death. I may not be well educated, but I am high strung till you can't + rest Groceries are just as high in Washington as they are in Philadelphia. + </p> + <p> + I hope that you will not glean from the foregoing that I have lost my + interest in national affairs. God forbid. Though not in the political + arena myself, my sympathies are with those who are. I am willing to assist + the families of those who are in the political arena trying to obtain a + precarious livelihood thereby. I was once an official under the Federal + government myself, as the curious student of national affairs may learn if + he will go to the Treasury Department at Washington, D.C., and ask to see + my voucher for $9.85, covering salary as United States commissioner for + the Second Judicial District of Wyoming for the year 1882. It was at that + time that a vile contemporary characterized me as “a corrupt and + venal Federal official who had fattened upon the hard-wrung taxes of my + fellow citizens and gorged myself for years at the public crib.” + This was unjust I was not corrupt I was not venal. I was only hungry! + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0183" id="link2H_4_0183"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Street Cars and Curiosities. + </h2> + <p> + There is an institution in Boston which the Pilgrim Fathers did not + originate. That is the street car. There is a street car parade all day on + Washington street, and a red-light procession most of the night. + </p> + <p> + People told me that I could get into a car and go anywhere I wanted to. I + tried it. There was a point in Boston, I learned, where there were some + more relics that I hadn't seen. Parties told me where I could find + some more fragments of the Mayflower, and an old chair in which Josiah + Quincy had sat down to think. There were also a few more low price + flint-lock guns and tomahawks that no man who visited Boston could afford + to miss. Besides, there was said to be the lock that used to be on the + door of a room in which General Washington had a good notion to write his + farewell address. All these things were in the collection which I started + out to find, and there were others, also. + </p> + <p> + For instance, there was a specimen of the lightning that Franklin caught + in his demijohn out of the sky, and still in a good state of preservation; + also some more clothes in which he was baptized, more swords of Bunker + Hill, and a little shirt which John Hancock put on as soon as he was born. + Hancock was a perfect gentleman from his birth, and it is said that the + first thing he did was to excuse himself for a moment and then put on this + shirt. His manners were certainly very agreeable, and he was very much + polished. + </p> + <p> + I heard, too, that there was an acorn from the tree in which Benedict + Arnold had his nest while he was hatching treason. I did not believe it, + but I had an idea I could readily discover the fraud if I could only see + the acorn, for I am a great historian and researcher from away back. I was + told that in this collection there was a suspender button shed by Patrick + Henry during his memorable speech in which he raised up to his full height + on his hind feet and permitted the war to come in <i>italics</i>, also in + SMALL CAPS and in LARGE CAPS!!! with three astonishers on the end. + </p> + <p> + So I wanted to find this place, and as I had plenty of means I decided to + ride in a street car. Therefore, I aimed my panic price cane at the driver + of a cream-colored car with a blue stomach, and remarked, “Hi, + there!” Before I go any further, and in order to avoid ambiguity, + let me say that it was the car that had the blue stomach. He (the driver) + twisted the brake and I went inside, clear to the further end, and sat + down by the side of a young woman who filled the whole car with sunshine. + I was so happy that I gave the conductor half a dollar and told him to + keep the change. If by chance she sees this, I hope she still remembers + me. Pretty soon a very fat woman came into the car and aimed for our + quarter. She evidently intended to squat between this fair girl and + myself. But ah, thought I to myself in a low tone of voice, I will fool + thee. So I shoved my person along in the seat toward the sweet girl of the + Bay State. The corpulent party, whose name I did not learn, had in the + meantime backed up to where she had detected a slight vacancy, and where I + had seen fit to place myself. At that moment she heaved a sigh of relief, + and, assisted by the motion of the car, which just then turned a corner, + she sat down in my lap and nestled in my bosom like a tired baby elephant. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: PATRICK HENRY.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9486}.jpg" alt="{9486}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9486}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + Dear reader, if I were to tell you that the crystal of my watch was picked + out from under my shoulder blades the next day, you would not believe it, + would you? I will not strain your faith in me by making the statement, but + that was the heaviest woman I ever held. + </p> + <p> + While all this was going on I lost track of my location. The car began to + squirm around all over Boston, and finally the conductor came back and + wanted more money. I said no, I would get off and try a dark red car with + a green stomach for a while. So I did I rode on that till I had seen a + great deal of new scenery, and then I asked the conductor if he passed + Number Clankety Clank, Blank street. He said he did not, but if I would go + down two blocks further and take a maroon car with a plaid stomach it + would take me to the corner of “What-do-you-call-it and What's-his-name + streets,” where, if I took a seal brown car with squshed huckleberry + trimmings it would take me to where I wanted to go. So I tried it. I do + not know just where I missed my train, but when I found the seal brown car + with scrunched huckleberry trimmings it was going the other way, and as it + was late I went into a cafe and refreshed myself. When I came out I + discovered that it was too late to see the collection, even if I could + find it, for at 6 o'clock they take the relics in and put them into + a refrigerator till morning. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: TAKING A PRIZE.} + </p> + <div class="figright" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{8487}.jpg" alt="{8487} " width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{8487}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + I was now weary and somewhat disappointed, so I desired to get back to my + headquarters, wherein I could rest and where I could lock myself up in my + room, so no prize fat woman could enter. I hailed one of those sawed-off + landaus, consisting of two wheels, one door behind, and a bill for two + bits. I told the college graduate on the box where I wanted to go, gave + him a quarter and got in. I sat down and heaved a chaste sigh. The sigh + was only half hove when the herdic backed up to my destination, which was + about 300 feet from where I got in, as the crow flies. + </p> + <p> + When I go to Boston again, I am going in charge of the police. + </p> + <p> + The street railway system of Boston is remarkably perfect. Fifty cars pass + a given point on Washington street in an hour, and yet there are no + blockades. You can take one of those cars, if you are a stranger, and you + can get so mixed up that you will never get back, and all for five cents. + I felt a good deal like the man who was full and who stepped on a man who + was not full. The sober man was mad, and yelled out: “See here; + condemn it, can't you look where you're walking?” + “Betcher life,” says the inebriate, “but trouble is to + walk where I'm lookin'.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0184" id="link2H_4_0184"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + The Poor Blind Pig. + </h2> + <p> + I have just been over to the Falls of Minnehaha. In fact I have been quite + a tourist and summer resorter this season, having saturated my system with + nineteen different styles of mineral water in Wisconsin alone, and tried + to win the attention of nineteen different styles of head waiters at these + summer hotels. I may add in passing that the summer hotels of Wisconsin + and Minnesota have been crowded full the past season and more room will + have to be added before another season comes around. + </p> + <p> + The motto of the summer hotel seems to be, “Unless ye shall have + feed the waiter, behold ye shall in no wise be fed.” Many waiters at + these places, by a judicious system of blackmail and starvation, have + reduced the guest to a sad state. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THE MAN WHO FEES THE WAITER.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9488}.jpg" alt="{9488}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9488}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + The mineral water of Wisconsin ranks high as a beverage. Many persons are + using it during the entire summer in place of rum. + </p> + <p> + The water of Waukesha does not appear to taste of any mineral, although an + analysis shows the presence of several kinds of groceries in solution. The + water at Palmyra Springs also tastes like any other pure water, but at + Kankanna, on the Fox River, they have a style of mineral water which is + different. Almost as soon as you taste it you discover that it is + extremely different. Colonel Watrous, of the Milwaukee <i>Sunday Telegraph</i>, + took some of it. I saw him afterward. He looked depressed, and told me + that he had been deceived. Several Kankanna people had told him that this + was living water, He had discovered otherwise. He hated to place his + confidence in people and then find it misplaced. + </p> + <p> + A favorite style of Kankanna revenge is to drink a quart of this water, + and then, on meeting an enemy, to breathe on him and wither him. One + breath produces syncope and blind staggers. Two breaths induce coma and + metallic casket for one. + </p> + <p> + Minnehaha is not mineral water. It is just plain water, giving itself away + day after day like a fresh young man in society. If you want pure water + you get it at the spring near the foot of the fall, and if you want it + flavored, with something that will leave a blazed road the whole length of + your alimentary canal, you go to the “blind pig,” a few rods + away from the falls. + </p> + <p> + The blind pig draws many people toward the falls through sympathy. To be + blind must indeed be a sad plight. Let us pause and reflect on this + proposition. + </p> + <p> + By good fortune I have had a chance to watch the rum problem in all its + phases this summer. Beginning in Maine, where the most ingenious methods + of whipping the devil around the stump are adopted, then going through + northern Iowa and tasting her exhilarating pop, and at last paying ten + cents to see the blind pig at Minnehaha, I feel like one who has wrestled + with the temperance problem in a practical way, and I have about decided + that a high license is about the only way to make the sale of whisky + odious. Prohibition is too abrupt in its methods, and one generation can + hardly wipe out the appetite for liquor that has been planted and fostered + by fifty preceding generations. + </p> + <p> + For fear that a few of my lady readers do not know what the Minnehaha + blind pig looks like, and that they may be curious about it, I will just + say that it is a method of evading the law, and consists of a dumb waiter, + wherein, if you pay ten cents, you get a glass of stimulants without the + annoyance of conversation. Many ladies who visit the falls, and who have + heard incidentally about the blind pig, express a desire to see the poor + little thing, but their husbands generally persuade them to refrain. + </p> + <p> + Minnehaha is a beautiful waterfall. It is not so frightfully large and + grand as Niagara, but it is very fine, and if the State of Minnesota would + catch the man who nails his signs on the trees around there, and choke him + to death near the falls on a pleasant day, a large audience wold attend + with much pleasure, I believe that the fence-board advertiser is not only, + as a rule, wicked, but he also lacks common sense. Who ever bought a liver + pad or a corset because he read about it on a high board fence? No one. + Who ever purchased a certain kind of pill or poultice because the name of + that pill or poultice was nailed on a tree to disfigure a beautiful + landscape? I do not believe that any sane human being ever did so. If + everyone feels as I do about it, people would rather starve to death for + pills and freeze to death in a perfect wilderness of liver pads than buy + of the man who daubs the fair face of nature with names of his alleged + goods. + </p> + <p> + I saw a squaw who seemed to belong in the picture of the poetic little + waterfall. I did not learn her name. It was one of these long, corduroy + Sioux names, that hang together with hyphens like a lot of sausage. The + salaried humorist of the party said he never sausage a name before. + </p> + <p> + Translated into our tongue it meant + The-swift-daughter-of-the-prairie-blizzard-that-gathers-the-huckleberry-on + -the-run-and-don't-you-forget-it. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0185" id="link2H_4_0185"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Daniel Webster. + </h2> + <p> + I presume that Daniel Webster was as good an off-hand speaker as this + country has ever produced. Massachusetts has been well represented in + Congress since that time, but she has had few who could successfully + compete with D. Webster, Esq., attorney and counsellor-at-law, Boston, + Mass. + </p> + <p> + I have never met Mr. Webster, but I have seen a cane that he used to wear, + and since that time I have felt a great interest in him. It was a heavy + winter cane, and was presented to him as a token of respect. + </p> + <p> + This reminds me of the inscription on a grave stone in the 280-year-old + churchyard at LaPointe, on Lake Superior, where I was last week. It shows + what punctuation has done for a lost and undone race. I copy the + inscription exactly as it appears: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + {Illustration: + LOUIS ROC DE DEAU + SHOT + ——AS A MARK OF + ESTEEM BY HIS + BROTHER} +</pre> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0491}.jpg" alt="{0491}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0491}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Daniel Webster had one of the largest and most robust brains that ever + flourished in our fair land. It was what we frequently call a teeming + brain, one of those four-horse teeming brains, as it were. Mr. Webster + wore the largest hat of any man then in Congress, and other senators and + representatives used to frequently borrow it to wear on the 2nd of + January, the 5th of July, and after other special occasions, when they had + been in executive session most all night and endured great mental strain. + This hat matter reminds me of an incident in the life of Benjamin F. + Butler, a man well known in Massachusetts even at the present time. + </p> + <p> + One evening, at a kind of reception or some such dissipation as that, + while Jim Nye was in the Senate, the latter left his silk hat on the + lounge with the opening turned up, and while he was talking with someone + else, Mr. Butler sat down in the hat with so much expression that it was a + wreck. Everyone expected to see James W. Nye walk up and smite Benjamin F. + Butler, but he did not do so. He looked at the chaotic hat for a minute, + more in sorrow than in anger, and then he said: + </p> + <p> + “Benjamin, I could have told you that hat wouldn't fit you + before you tried it on.” + </p> + <p> + Daniel Webster's brain was not only very large, but it was in good + order all the time. Sometimes Nature bestows large brains on men who do + not rise to great prominence. Large brains do not always indicate great + intellectual power. These brains are large but of an inferior quality. A + schoolmate of mine used to wear a hat that I could put my head and both + feet into with perfect ease. I remember that he tied my shirt one day + while I was laying my well-rounded limbs in the mill pond near my + childhood's home. + </p> + <p> + I was mad at the time, but I could not lick him, for he was too large. All + I could do was to patiently untie my shirt while my teeth chattered, then + fling a large, three-cornered taunt in his teeth and run. He kept on + poking fun at me, I remember, till I got dressed, and alluded + incidentally, to my small brain and abnormal feet. This stung my sensitive + nature, and I told him that if I had such a wealth of brain as he had, and + it was of no use to think with, I would take it to a restaurant and have + it breaded. Then I went away. + </p> + <p> + But we were speaking of Webster. Many lawyers of our day would do well to + read and study the illustrious example of Daniel Webster. He did not sit + in court all day with his feet on the table and howl, “We object,” + and then down his client for $50, just because he had made a noise. I + employed a lawyer once to bring suit for me to recover quite a sum of + money due me. After years of assessments and toilsome litigation, we got a + judgment. He said to me that he was anxious to succeed with the case + mainly because he knew I Wanted to vindicate myself. I said yes, that was + the idea exactly. I wanted to be vindicated. + </p> + <p> + So he gave me the vindication and took the judgment as a slight + testimonial of his own sterling worth. When I want to be vindicated again + I will do it with one of those self-cocking vindicators that you can carry + in a pocket. + </p> + <p> + Looking over this letter, I am amazed to see the amount of valuable + information relative to the life of Mr. Webster that I have succeeded in + using. There are, of course, some minor details of Mr. Webster's + life which I have omitted, but nothing of real importance. The true + history of Mr. Webster is epitomized here, and told in a pleasing and + graceful manner, a style that is at once accurate and just and still + elegant, chaste and thoroughly refined, while at the same time there are + little gobs of sly humor in it that are real cute. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0493}.jpg" alt="{0493}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0493}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0186" id="link2H_4_0186"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Two Ways of Telling It. + </h2> + <p> + I remember one sunny day in summer, we were sitting in the Boomerang + office, I and the city editor, and he was speaking enviously of my salary + of $150 per month as compared with his of $80, and I had just given him + the venerable minstrel witticism that of course my salary was much larger + than his, but he ought not to forget that he got his. + </p> + <p> + Just then there was a revolver shot at the foot of our stairs, and then + another. The printers rushed into the stairway from the composing room, + and to save time I ran out on the balcony that hung over the sidewalk and + which gave me a bird's-eye view of the murder. The next issue of the + paper contained an account about like this: + </p> + <p> + Cold-Blooded Murder.—Yesterday, between 12 and 1 o'clock, in + front of this office on Second street, James McKeon, in a manner almost + wholly unprovoked, shot James Smith, commonly known as Windy Smith. Smith + died at 2 o'clock this morning of his wounds. Windy Smith was not a + bad man, but, as his nickname would imply, he was a kind of noisy, + harmless fellow, and McKeon, who is a gambler and professional bad man, + can give no good reason for the killing. There is a determined effort on + foot to lynch the murderer. + </p> + <p> + This account was brief, but it seemed to set forth the facts pretty + clearly, I thought, and I felt considerably chagrined when I saw an + account of the matter latter on, as written up by the prosecuting + attorney. I may be inaccurate as to dates and some other points of detail, + but, as nearly as I can remember, his version of the matter was like this: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +THE TERRITORY OF WYOMING, } + COUNTY OF ALBANY. } ss. +</pre> + <p> + In Justice's Court, before E.W. Nye, Esq., Justice of the Peace. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> +The Territory of Wyoming, plt'ff.} + vs. } Complaint. +James McKeon, def't. } +</pre> + <p> + The above named defendant, James McKeon, is accused of the crime of + murder, for that he, the said defendant, James McKeon, at the town of + Laramie City, in the County of Albany and Territory of Wyoming, and on the + 13th day of July, Anno Domini 1880, then and there being, he, the said + defendant, James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously, feloniously, wickedly, + unlawfully, criminally, illegally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and + murderously, by means of a certain deadly weapon commonly called a Smith + & Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol, so constructed as to revolve + upon itself and to be discharged by means of a spring and hammer, and with + six chambers thereto, and known commonly as a self-cocker, the same loaded + with gun-powder and leaden bullets, and in the hands of him, the said + defendant, James McKeon, level at, to, upon, by, contiguous to and against + the body of one James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, in the peace of + the commonwealth then and there being, and that by means of said deadly + weapon commonly called a Smith & Wesson revolver, or revolving pistol, + so constructed as to revolve upon itself and to be discharged by means of + a spring or hammer, and with six chambers thereto and known commonly as a + self-cocker, the same loaded with gunpowder and leaden bullets and in the + hands of him the said defendant, James McKeon, held at, to, upon, by, + contiguous to and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly + called Windy Smith, he, the said James McKeon, did wilfully, maliciously, + feloniously, wickedly, fraudulently, virulently, unlawfully, criminally, + illegally, brutally, unjustly, premeditatedly, coolly and murderously, of + his malice aforethought with the deadly weapon aforesaid held in the right + hand of him, the said defendant, James McKeon, to, at, against, etc., the + body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called Windy Smith, he, the + said defendant, James McKeon, at the said town of Laramie City, in the + said County of Albany, and in the heretofore enumerated Territory of + Wyoming, and on the hereinbefore mentioned 13th day of July, Anno Domini + 1880, did inflict to, at, upon, by, contiguous to, adjacent to, adjoining, + over and against the body of him, the said James Smith, commonly called + Windy Smith, one certain deadly, mortal, dangerous and painful wound, + to-wit: Over, against, to, at, by, upon, contiguous to, near, adjacent to + and bisecting the intestines of him, the said James Smith, commonly called + Windy Smith, by reason of which he, the said James Smith, commonly called + Windy Smith, did in great agony linger, and lingering did die, on the 14th + day of July, Anno Domini 1880, at 2 o'clock in the forenoon of said + day, contrary to the statutes in such case made and provided, and against + the peace and dignity of the Territory of Wyoming. + </p> + <p> + I am now convinced that although the published account was correct, it was + not as full as it might have been. Perhaps the tendency of modern + journalism is to epitomize too much. In the hurry of daily newspaper work + and the press of matter upon our pages, very likely we are fatally brief, + and sacrifice rhetorical beauty to naked and goose-pimply facts. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0187" id="link2H_4_0187"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + All About Menials. + </h2> + <p> + The subject of meals, lunch-counters, dining-cars and buffet-cars came up + the other day, incidentally. I had ordered a little breakfast in the + buffet-car, not so much because I expected to get anything, but because I + liked to eat in a car and have all the other passengers glaring at me. I + do not know which affords me the most pleasure—to sit for a + photograph and be stabbed in the cerebellum with a cast-iron prong, to be + fed in the presence of a mixed company of strangers, or to be called on + without any preparation to make a farewell speech on the gallows. + </p> + <p> + However, I got my breakfast after awhile. The waiter was certainly the + most worthless, trifling, half-asleep combination of Senegambian stupidity + and poor white trash indolence and awkwardness that I ever saw. He brought + in everything except what I wanted, and then wound up by upsetting the + little cream pitcher in my lap. He did not charge for the cream. He threw + that in. + </p> + <p> + So all the rest of the journey I was trying to eradicate a cream dado from + my pantaloons. It made me mad, because those pantaloons were made for me + by request Besides, I haven't got pantaloons to squander in that + way. To some a pair of pantaloons, more or less, is nothing, but it is + much to me. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: SHOWING HIS INMOST THOUGHT.} + </p> + <div class="figleft" style="width:20%;"> + <img src="images/{9497}.jpg" alt="{9497}" width="100%" /> <br /> <a + href="images/{9497}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </div> + <p> + There was a porter on the same train who was much the same kind of + furniture as the waiter. He slept days and made up berths all night. + Truly, he began making up berths at Jersey City, and when he got through, + about daylight, it was time to begin to unmake them again. All night long + I could hear him opening and shutting the berths like a concertina. He + sang softly to himself all night long: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “You must camp a little in the wilderness + And then we'll all go home.” + </pre> + <p> + He played his own accompaniment on the berths. + </p> + <p> + When in repose he was generally asleep with a whisk broom in one hand and + the other hand extended with the palm up, waiting for a dividend to be + declared. + </p> + <p> + He generally slept with his mouth open, so that you could read his inmost + thoughts, and when I complained to him about the way my bunk felt, he said + he was sorry, and wanted to know which cell I was in. + </p> + <p> + I rode, years ago, over a new stage line for several days. It was through + an almost trackless wilderness, and the service hadn't been “expedited” + then. It was not a star route, anyhow. The government seemed to think that + the man who managed the thing ought not to expect help so long as he had + been such a fool asterisk it. + </p> + <p> + (Five minutes intermission for those who wish to be chloroformed.) + </p> + <p> + The stage consisted of a buckboard. It was one of the first buckboards + ever made, and the horse was among the first turned out, also. The driver + and myself were the passengers. + </p> + <p> + When it got to be about dinner time, I asked him if we were not pretty + near the dinner station. He grunted. He hadn't said a word since we + started. He was a surly, morose and taciturn man. I was told that he had + been disappointed in love. A half-breed woman named No-Wayno had led him + to believe that she loved him, and that if it had not been for her husband + she would gladly have been the driver's bride. So the driver + assassinated the disagreeable husband of No-Wayno. Then he went to the + ranch to claim his bride, but she was not there. She had changed her mind, + and married a cattle man, who had just moved on to the range with a + government mule and a branding iron, intending to slowly work himself into + the stock business. + </p> + <p> + So this driver was a melancholy man. He only made one remark to me during + that long forty-mile drive through the wilderness. About dinner time he + drove the horse under a quaking asp tree, tied a nose bag of oats over its + head and took a wad of bread and bacon from his greasy pocket. The bacon + and bread had little flakes of smoking tobacco all over it, because he + carried his grub and tobacco in the same pocket. For a moment he + introduced one corner of the bacon and bread in among his whiskers. Then + he made the only remark that he uttered while we were together. He said: + </p> + <p> + “Pardner, dinner is now ready in the dining-car.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0188" id="link2H_4_0188"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Powerful Speech. + </h2> + <p> + I once knew a man who was nominated by his fellow citizens for a certain + office and finally elected without having expended a cent for that + purpose. He was very eccentric, but he made a good officer. When he heard + that he was nominated, he went up, as he said, into the mountains to do + some assessment work on a couple of claims. He got lost and didn't + get his bearings until a day or two after election. Then he came into town + hungry, greasy and ragged, but unpledged. + </p> + <p> + He found that he was elected, and in answer to a telegram started off for + 'Frisco to see a dying relative. He did not get back till the first + of January. Then he filed his bond and sailed into the office. He fired + several sedentary deputies who had been in the place twenty years just + because they were good “workers.” That is, they were good + workers at the polls. They saved all their energies for the campaign, and + so they only had vitality enough left to draw their salaries during the + balance of the two years. + </p> + <p> + This man raised the county scrip from sixty to ninety-five in less than + two years, and still they busted him in the next convention. He was too + eccentric. One delegate asked what in Sam Hill would become of the country + if every candidate should skin out during the campaign and rusticate in + the mountains while the battle was being fought. + </p> + <p> + Says he, “I am a delegate from the precinct of Rawhide Buttes, and I + calklate I know what I am talkin' about. Gentlemen of the + convention, just suppose that everybody, from the President of the United + States down, was to git the nomination and then light out like a house + afire and never come back till it was time to file his bond; what's + going to become of us common drunkards to whom election is a noasis in the + bad lands, an orange grove in the alkali flats? + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Chairman, there's millions of dollars in this broad land + waiting for the high tide of election day to come and float 'em down + to where you and I, Mr. Chairman, as well as other parched and patriotic + inebriates, can git a hold of 'em. + </p> + <p> + “Gentlemen, we talk about stringency and shrinkage of values, and + all such funny business as that; but that's something I don't + know a blamed thing about. What I can grapple with is this: If our county + offices are worth $30,000, and there are other little after-claps and soft + snaps, and walk-overs, worth, say $10,000, and the boys, say, are willing + to do the fair thing, say, blow in fifteen per cent, to the central + committee, and what they feel like on the outside, then politics, instead + of a burden and a reproach, becomes a pleasing duty, a joyous occasion and + a picnic to those whose lives might otherwise be a dreary monotone. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Chairman, the past two years has wrecked four campaign saloons, + and a tinner who socked his wife's fortune into campaign torches is + now in a land where torchlights is no good. Overcome by a dull market, a + financial depression and a reserved central committee, he ate a package of + Rough on Rats, and passed up the flume. He is now at rest over yonder. + </p> + <p> + “Such instances would be common if we encouraged the eccentric + economy of official cranks. It is an evil that is gnawing at the vitals of + the republic. We must squench it or get left. There are millions of + dollars in this country, Mr. Chairman, that, if we keep it out of the + campaign, will get into the hands of the working classes, and then you and + I, Mr. Chairman, and gentlemen of the convention, can starve to death. + Keep the campaign money away from the soulless hired man, gentlemen, or + good-bye John. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Chairman, excuse my emotion! It is almighty seldom that I make + a speech, but when I do, I strive to get there with both feet. We must + either work the campaign funds into their legitimate channels, or every + blamed patriot within the sound of my voice will have to fasten on a tin + bill and rustle for angle-worms amongst the hens. You hear me?” + </p> + <p> + {Terrific applause, during which the delicate odor of enthusiasm was + noticed on the breath of the entire delegation.} + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0189" id="link2H_4_0189"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + A Goat in a Frame. + </h2> + <p> + Laramie has a seal brown goat, with iron gray chin whiskers and a breath + like new mown hay. + </p> + <p> + He has not had as hard a winter as the majority of stock on the Rocky + mountains, because he is of a domestic turn of mind and tries to make man + his friend. Though social in his nature, he never intrudes himself on + people after they have intimated with a shotgun that they are weary of + him. + </p> + <p> + When the world seems cold and dark to him, and everybody turns coldly away + from him, he does not steal away by himself and die of corroding grief; he + just lies down on the sidewalk in the sun and fills the air with the + seductive fragrance of which he is the sole proprietor. + </p> + <p> + One day, just as he had eaten his midday meal of boot heels and cold + sliced atmosphere and kerosene barrel staves, he saw a man going along the + street with a large looking glass under his arm. + </p> + <p> + The goat watched the man, and saw him set the mirror down by a gate and go + inside the house after some more things that he was moving. Then the goat + stammered with his tail a few times and went up to see if he could eat the + mirror. + </p> + <p> + When he got pretty close to it, he saw a hungry-looking goat apparently + coming toward him, so he backed off a few yards and went for him. There + was a loud crash, and when the man came out he saw a full length portrait + of a goat with a heavy, black walnut frame around it, going down the + street with a great deal of apparent relish. + </p> + <p> + Then the man said something derogatory about the goat, and seemed offended + about something. + </p> + <p> + Goats are not timid in their nature and are easily domesticated. + </p> + <p> + There are two kinds of goat—the cashmere goat and the plain goat. + The former is worked up into cashmere shawls and cashmere bouquet. The + latter is not. + </p> + <p> + The cashmere bouquet of commerce is not made of the common goat. It is a + good thing that it is not. + </p> + <p> + A goat that has always been treated with uniform kindness and never + betrayed, may be taught to eat out of the hand. Also out of the flour + barrel or the ice-cream freezer. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0190" id="link2H_4_0190"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + To a Married Man. + </h2> + <p> + Adelbert G. Grimes writes as follows: “I am a young man not yet + twenty-two years of age. I am said to be rather attractive in appearance + and a fluent conversationalist. Three years ago I very foolishly married + and settled on a tree claim in Dakota, where we have three children, + consisting of one pair of twins and an ordinary child, born by itself. We + are a considerable distance from town, and to remain at home during the + winter with no company besides my wife and children is very irksome, + especially as my wife has never had the advantages that I have in the way + of society. Her conversational powers are very inferior, and I cannot bear + to remain at home very much. So I go to town, where I can meet my equals + and enjoy myself. + </p> + <p> + “I fear that this will lead to an estrangement, for, when I return + at night, my wife's nose is so red from sniveling all day that I can + hardly bear to look at her. If there is anything in this world that I + hate, it is a red-eyed, red-nosed woman who sheds tears on all occasions. + </p> + <p> + “Of course all this makes me irritable, and I say sharp things to + her, as I have a wonderful command of language at such times. She surely + cannot expect a young man twenty-two years old to stay at home day after + day and listen to squalling children, when he is still in the heyday of + life with joy beaming in his eye. + </p> + <p> + “Of course I do say things to my wife that I am afterward sorry for, + but I made a great mistake in marrying the woman I did, and although some + of my lady friends told me so at the time, I did not then believe it. Do + you think I ought to bury myself on a tree claim with a woman far my + inferior, while I have talents that would shine in the best of society? I + am greatly distressed, and would willingly seek a legal separation if I + knew how to go about it. Will you kindly advise me? What do you think of + my penmanship?” + </p> + <p> + I hardly know how to advise you, Adelbert. You have got yourself into a + place where you cannot do much but remain and take your medicine. + Unfortunately, there are too many such young men as you are, Adelbert. You + are young, and handsome, and smart. You casually admit this in your + letter, I see. You have a social nature, and would shine in society. You + also reluctantly confess this. That does not help you in my estimation, + Adelbert. If you are a bright and shining light in society, you are + probably a brunette fizzle as a husband. When you resolved to take a tree + claim and make a home in Dakota, why didn't you put your + swallow-tail coat under the bed and retire from the giddy whirl and mad + rush of society, the way your wife had to? + </p> + <p> + I dislike very much to speak to you in a plain, blunt way, Adelbert, being + a total stranger to you, but when you convey the idea in your letter that + you have made a great mistake in marrying at the age of nineteen, and + marrying far beneath yourself, I am forced to agree with you. If, instead + of marrying a young girl who didn't know any better than to believe + that you were a man, instead of a fractional one, you had come to me, and + borrowed my revolver and blown out the fungus growth which you refer to as + your brains, you would have bit it. Even now it is not too late. You can + still come to me, and I will oblige you. You cannot do your wife a greater + favor at this time than to leave her a widow, and the sooner you do so the + less orphans there will be. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: “I HAVE A WONDERFUL COMMAND OF LANGUAGE."} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0503}.jpg" alt="{0503}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0503}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + Did it ever occur to you, Adelbert, that your wife made a mistake also? + Did it ever bore itself through your adamantine skull that it is not an + unbroken round of gayety for a young girl to shut herself up in a lonesome + house for three years, gradually acquiring children, and meantime being + “sassed” by her husband because she is not a fluent + conversationalist? + </p> + <p> + Wherein you offend me, Adelbert, is that you persist in breathing the air + which human beings and other domestic animals more worthy than yourself + are entitled to. There are too many such imitation men at large. There + should be a law that would prohibit your getting up and walking on your + hind legs and thus imposing on other mammals. If I could run the + government for a few weeks, Adelbert, I would compel your style of + zoological wonder to climb a tree and stay there. + </p> + <p> + So you married a woman who was far your inferior, did you? How did you do + it? Where did you go to find a woman who could be your inferior and still + keep out of the menagerie? Adelbert, I fear you do your wife a great + injustice. With just barely enough vitality to hand your name down to + posterity and blast the fair future of Dakota by leaving your trade-mark + on future generations, you snivel and whine over your blasted life! If + your life had been blasted a little harder twenty years ago, the life of + your miserable little wife would have been less blasted. + </p> + <p> + If you had acquired a little more croup twenty years ago, Dakota would + have been ahead. Why did you go on year after year, permitting people to + believe you were a man, when you could have undeceived them in two minutes + by crawling into a hollow log and remaining there? + </p> + <p> + Your penmanship is very good. It is better than your chances for a bright + immortality beyond the grave. Write to me again whenever you feel lonesome + or want advice. I was a young married man myself once, and I know what + they have to endure. Up to the time of my marriage, I had never known a + harsher tone than a flute note; my early life ran quiet as the clear brook + by which I sported, and so on. I was a great belle in society, also. I + attended all the swell balls and parties in our county for years. Wherever + you found fair women and brave men tripping the light bombastic toe, you + would also find me. “Sometimes I played second violin, and sometimes + I called off.” + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0191" id="link2H_4_0191"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + To an Embryo Poet. + </h2> + <p> + The following correspondence is now given to the press for the first time, + with the consent of the parties: + </p> + <p> + Wm. Nye, Esq.—<i>Dear Sir</i>-I am a young man, 20 years of age, + with fair education and a strong desire to succeed. I have done some + writing for the press, having written up a very nice article on + progressive euchre, which was a great success and published in our home + paper, But it was not copied so much in other papers as I would like to + have saw it, and I take my pen in hand at this time to write and ask you + what there is in the article enclosed that prevents its being copied + abroad all over our broad land. I write just as I hope you would feel + perfectly free to write me at any time. I think that writers ought to aid + each other. Yours with kind regards, + </p> + <p> + Algernon L. Tewey. + </p> + <p> + P.O. Box 202. + </p> + <p> + I have carefully read and pondered over the dissertation on progressive + euchre which you send me, Algernon, and I cannot see why it should not be + ravenously seized and copied by the press of the broad, wide land referred + to in your letters. If you have time, perhaps it would be well enough to + go to the leading journalists of our country and ask them what they mean + by it. You might write till your vertebrae fell out of your clothes on the + floor, and it would not do half so much good as a personal conference with + the editors of America. First prepare your article, then go personally to + the editors of the country and call them one by one out into the hall, in + a current of cold air, and explain the article to them. In that way you + will form pleasant acquaintances and get solid with our leading + journalists. You have no idea, Algernon, how lonely and desolate the life + of a practical journalist is. Your fresh young face and your fresh young + ways, and your charming grammatical improvisations, would delight an + editor who has nothing to do from year to year but attend to his business. + </p> + <p> + Do not try to win the editors of America by writing poems beginning: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Now the merry goatlet jumps, + And the trifling yaller dog, + With the tin can madly humps + Like an acrobatic frog. +</pre> + <p> + At times you will be tempted to write such stuff as this, and mark it with + a large blue pencil and send it to the papers of the country, but that is + not a good way to do. + </p> + <p> + Seriously, Algernon, I would suggest that you make a bold dash for success + by writing things that other people are not writing, thinking things that + other people are not thinking, and saying things that other people are not + saying. You will say that this advice is easier to give than to take, and + I agree with you. But the tendency of the age is to wear the same style of + collar and coat and hat that every other man wears, and to talk and write + like other men; and to be frank with you, Algernon, I think it is an + infernal shame. If you will look carefully about you, you will see that + the preacher, who is talking mostly to dusty pew cushions, is also the + preacher who is thinking the thoughts of other men. He is “up-ending” + his barrel of sermons annually, and they were made in the first place from + the sermons of a man who also “up-ended” his barrel annually. + Go where the preacher is talking to full houses, and you will discover + that his sermons are full of humanity and originality. They are not + written in a library by a man with interchangeable ideas, an automatic + cog-wheel thinker, but they are prepared by a man who earnestly and + honestly studies the great, aching heart of humanity, and full of + sincerity, originality and old-fashioned Christianity, appeals to your + better impulses. + </p> + <p> + How is it with our poetry? As a fellow-traveler and sea-sick tourist + across life's tempestuous tide, I ask you, Algernon, who is writing + the poetry that will live? Is it the man who is sawing out and + sandpapering stanzas of the same general dimensions as some other poet, in + which he bewails the fact that he loved a tall, well-behaved, accomplished + girl, sixteen hands high, who did not require his love? + </p> + <p> + Ah, no! He is not the poet whose terra cotta statue will stand in the + cemetery, wearing a laurel wreath and a lumpy brow. Show me the poet who + is intimate with nature and who studies the little joys and sorrows of the + poor; who smells the clover and writes about live, healthy people with + ideas and appetites. He is my poet. + </p> + <p> + I apologize for speaking so earnestly, Algernon, but I saw by your letter + that you felt kindly toward me, and rather invited an expression of + opinion on my part. So I have written more freely, perhaps, than I + otherwise would. We are both writers. Measurably so, at least. You write + on progressive euchre, and I write on anything that I can get hold of. So + let us agree here and promise each other that, whatever we do, we will not + think through the thinker of another man. + </p> + <p> + The Great Ruler of the universe has made and placed upon the earth a good + many millions of men, but He never made any two of them exactly alike. We + may differ from every one of the countless millions who have preceded us, + and still be safe. Even you and I, Algernon, may agree in many matters, + and yet be very dissimilar. At least I hope so, and I presume you do also. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0192" id="link2H_4_0192"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Eccentricities of Genius. + </h2> + <p> + Alfonso Quanturnernit Dowdell, Frumenti, Ohio, writes to know something of + the effects of alcohol on the brain of an adult, being evidently + apprehensive that some day he may become an adult himself He says: + </p> + <p> + “I would be glad to know whether or not you think that liquor + stimulates the brain to do better literary work. I have been studying the + personal history of Edgar A. Poe, and learned through that medium that he + was in the habit of drinking a good deal of liquor at times. I also read + that George D. Prentice, who wrote 'The Closing Year,' and + other nice poems, was a hearty drinker. Will you tell me whether this is + all true or not, and also what the effect of alcohol is on the brain of an + adult?” + </p> + <p> + It is said on good authority that Edgar A. Poe ever and anon imbibed the + popular beverages of his day and age, some of which contained alcohol. We + are led to believe these statements because they remain as yet undenied. + But Poe did a great deal of good in that way, for he set an example that + has been followed ever since, more or less, by quite a number of poets' + apprentices who emulated Poe's great gift as a drinker. These men, + thinking that poesy and delirium tremens went hand in hand, became fluent + drunkards early in their career, so that finally, instead of issuing a + small blue volume of poems they punctuated a drunkard's grave. + </p> + <p> + So we see that Poe did a great work aside from what he wrote. He opened up + a way for these men which eradicated them, and made life more desirable + for those who remained. He made it easy for those who thought genius and + inebriation were synonymous terms to get to the hospital early in the day, + while the overworked waste-basket might secure a few hours of much needed + rest. + </p> + <p> + George D. Prentice has also done much toward weeding out a class of people + who otherwise might have become disagreeable. It is better that these men + who write under the influence of rum should fall into the hands of the + police as early as possible. The police can handle them better than the + editor can. + </p> + <p> + Do not try, Alfonso, to experiment in this way. Because Mr. Poe and Mr. + Prentice could write beautiful and witty things between drinks, do not, oh + do not imagine that you can begin that way and succeed at last. + </p> + <p> + The effect of alcohol on the brain of an adult is to congest it finally. + Alcohol will sometimes congest the brain of an adult under the most trying + and discouraging circumstances. I have frequently known it to scorch out + and paralyze the brain in cases where other experiments had not been + successful in showing the presence of a brain at all. + </p> + <p> + {Illustration: THINKING ABOUT THE POEM.} + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0509}.jpg" alt="{0509}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0509}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <p> + That is the reason why some people love to fool with this great chemical. + It revives their suspicions regarding the presence of a brain. + </p> + <p> + The habits of literary men vary a good deal, for no two of them seem to + care to adopt the same plan. + </p> + <p> + I have taken the liberty of showing here my own laboratory and methods of + thought. This is from a drawing made by myself, and represents the writer + in his study and in the act of thinking about a poem. + </p> + <p> + Last summer I wrote a large poem entitled, “<i>Moanings of the + Moist, Malarious Sea.</i>” I have it still. The back of it has a + memoranda on it in blue pencil from the leading editors of our broad land, + but otherwise it is just as I wrote it. + </p> + <p> + The engraving represents me in the act of thinking about the poem, and + what I will do with the money when I get it. + </p> + <p> + I am now preparing a poem entitled, “<i>The Umbrella</i>.” It + is a dainty little bit of verse, and my hired man thinks it is a gem. I + called it “The Umbrella” so that it would not be returned. + </p> + <p> + By looking at the drawing you will see the rapid change of expression on + the face as the work goes on. + </p> + <p> + I give the drawing in order also, to show the rich furniture of the room. + All poets do not revel in such gaudy trappings as I do, but I cannot write + well in a bare and ill-furnished room. In these apartments there is also a + window which does not show in the engraving. I have tried over and over + again to write a poem in a room that had no window in it, but I cannot say + that I ever wrote one under such circumstances that I thought would live. + </p> + <p> + You can do as you think best about furnishing your room as I have mine. + You might, of course, succeed as well by writing in a plainer apartment, + but I could not. All my poetical work that was done in the cramped and + plainly furnished room that I formerly occupied over Knadler's + livery stable, was ephemeral. + </p> + <p> + It got into a few of the leading autograph albums of the country, but it + never got into the papers. + </p> + <p> + I would not use alcohol, however. Poe and Prentice could use it, but I + never could. After a long debauch, I could always work well enough on the + street but I could not do literary work. + </p> + <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> + <img src="images/{0510}.jpg" alt="{0510}" width="100%" /><br /> + </div> + <h5> + <a href="images/{0510}.jpg"> <img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> + </h5> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Remarks, by Bill Nye + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK REMARKS *** + +***** This file should be named 8220-h.htm or 8220-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/2/2/8220/ + + +Text file produced by Charles Franks, Beth Trapaga and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team + +HTML file produced by David Widger + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project +Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the Foundation” + or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the phrase “Project +Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase “Project Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +“Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, “Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.” + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +“Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the “Right +of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + + +</pre> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/8220-h/images/enlarge.jpg b/8220-h/images/enlarge.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5a9bcf3 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/enlarge.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0001}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0001}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ea7f870 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0001}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0008}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0008}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bb61dc4 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0008}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0009}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0009}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1badabc --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0009}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0016}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0016}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5dc121b --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0016}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0021}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0021}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d1097a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0021}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0022}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0022}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..355c3dd --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0022}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0023}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0023}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a052b15 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0023}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0028}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0028}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3b85f20 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0028}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0031}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0031}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eedbfe1 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0031}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0033}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0033}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..135062b --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0033}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0035}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0035}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..13cc239 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0035}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0037}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0037}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f198e40 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0037}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0038}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0038}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f60978 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0038}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0043}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0043}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..205eca5 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0043}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0058}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0058}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8267fc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0058}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0072}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0072}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd1de61 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0072}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0083}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0083}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..47deba7 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0083}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0091}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0091}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e46283c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0091}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0092}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0092}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5f565ae --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0092}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0101}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0101}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..da7b085 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0101}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0113}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0113}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..86bbff4 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0113}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0127}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0127}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5199117 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0127}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0148}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0148}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..29047a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0148}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0153}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0153}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dc52eb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0153}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0192}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0192}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0eea65 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0192}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0208}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0208}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e6f674 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0208}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0230}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0230}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a1f9af --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0230}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0238}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0238}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1151025 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0238}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0246}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0246}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..542cf9d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0246}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0259}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0259}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ceace6a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0259}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0267}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0267}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..69c3467 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0267}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0272}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0272}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2900120 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0272}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0294}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0294}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ffc0661 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0294}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0300}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0300}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa7ff3d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0300}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0331}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0331}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e8e79c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0331}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0336}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0336}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..2fe31ef --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0336}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0346}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0346}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..45d5f80 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0346}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0354}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0354}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9bbba19 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0354}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0359}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0359}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f7c44d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0359}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0373}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0373}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..673eb59 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0373}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0388}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0388}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..52d66fe --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0388}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0394}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0394}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..057fc68 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0394}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0403}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0403}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..caa3f2f --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0403}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0412}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0412}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d4a61b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0412}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0416}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0416}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d2c28d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0416}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0435}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0435}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a6c12a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0435}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0440}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0440}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b549167 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0440}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0454}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0454}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5fd0524 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0454}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0469}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0469}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1d69f18 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0469}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0476}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0476}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..19076d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0476}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0491}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0491}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..27c9639 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0491}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0493}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0493}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3bfcd6a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0493}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0503}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0503}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..777fc34 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0503}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0509}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0509}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..778261e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0509}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{0510}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{0510}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..544f6af --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{0510}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8047}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8047}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..92f6e2b --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8047}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8055}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8055}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..01ed5d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8055}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8063}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8063}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..474c585 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8063}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8065}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8065}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..24db727 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8065}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8067}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8067}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..59dee7d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8067}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8081}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8081}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3c13aab --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8081}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8097}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8097}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..addb584 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8097}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8107}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8107}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa72bff --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8107}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8117}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8117}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6949f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8117}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8121}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8121}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fb2f862 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8121}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8141}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8141}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..80dc4c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8141}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8143}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8143}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..422c43a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8143}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8147}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8147}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3149836 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8147}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8161}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8161}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a38e994 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8161}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8169}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8169}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51581d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8169}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8175}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8175}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9bcb41 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8175}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8187}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8187}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4b0867 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8187}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8199}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8199}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..233fd71 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8199}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8203}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8203}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..257a795 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8203}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8211}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8211}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8c3e094 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8211}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8217}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8217}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd22d93 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8217}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8221}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8221}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..69ea1c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8221}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8233}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8233}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6de6e72 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8233}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8241}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8241}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..56d6e10 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8241}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8245}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8245}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..eba61f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8245}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8257}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8257}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c13ed9e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8257}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8263}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8263}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fc38e27 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8263}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8271}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8271}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..33673a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8271}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8275}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8275}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..51c162c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8275}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8291}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8291}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..44b288c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8291}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8299}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8299}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9a59484 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8299}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8305}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8305}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4411bd --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8305}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8311}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8311}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b31d53f --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8311}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8341}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8341}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..92144eb --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8341}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8349}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8349}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..41a36aa --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8349}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8361}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8361}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..15e7e22 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8361}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8367}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8367}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff3cf5c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8367}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8379}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8379}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a34d593 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8379}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8387}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8387}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7b3c8d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8387}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8407}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8407}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a4a4d64 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8407}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8408}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8408}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..60a976a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8408}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8425}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8425}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5bf920a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8425}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8447}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8447}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..001331d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8447}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8457}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8457}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..333b685 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8457}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8467}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8467}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4f27cb0 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8467}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{8487}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{8487}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97636ea --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{8487}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9039}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9039}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e83903e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9039}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9048}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9048}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0146068 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9048}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9050}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9050}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b469240 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9050}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9060}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9060}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6f8ca0c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9060}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9064}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9064}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e2984c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9064}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9077}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9077}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c430eaf --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9077}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9078}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9078}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..df73c8d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9078}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9082}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9082}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b269dfd --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9082}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9087}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9087}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f549e69 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9087}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9090}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9090}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8fdad4d --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9090}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9094}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9094}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1a4c571 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9094}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9118}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9118}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..46b8e58 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9118}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9123}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9123}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4e8cf74 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9123}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9131}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9131}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a2f4bae --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9131}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9132}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9132}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..af461e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9132}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9134}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9134}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f85d8c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9134}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9136}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9136}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c503c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9136}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9158}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9158}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5574c2c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9158}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9167}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9167}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2ced75 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9167}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9174}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9174}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ebf106e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9174}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9181}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9181}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7a35e87 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9181}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9182}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9182}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cdc0933 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9182}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9194}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9194}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e70e71f --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9194}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9200}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9200}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..42eba96 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9200}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9216}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9216}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5c7c8ca --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9216}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9224}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9224}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7fce195 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9224}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9248}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9248}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c9ae9a0 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9248}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9251}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9251}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ad4d2c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9251}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9254}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9254}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3e93070 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9254}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9258}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9258}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d694d92 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9258}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9264}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9264}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9b024a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9264}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9280}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9280}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..825b34b --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9280}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9286}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9286}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2b8e0e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9286}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9304}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9304}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ceb8928 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9304}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9318}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9318}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c0bba80 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9318}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9324}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9324}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..97aeef7 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9324}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9327}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9327}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ba4429 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9327}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9330}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9330}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd53f81 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9330}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9380}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9380}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b99922a --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9380}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9381}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9381}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e6fd292 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9381}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9398}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9398}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bd39e11 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9398}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9408}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9408}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..123fa1f --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9408}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9446}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9446}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a6895b --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9446}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9463}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9463}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f236d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9463}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9468}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9468}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..cd0789e --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9468}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9472}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9472}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fff0475 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9472}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9480}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9480}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36edc45 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9480}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9486}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9486}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..15fe6b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9486}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9488}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9488}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f09fb53 --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9488}.jpg diff --git a/8220-h/images/{9497}.jpg b/8220-h/images/{9497}.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..645b28c --- /dev/null +++ b/8220-h/images/{9497}.jpg |
