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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 ***
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 14707-h.htm or 14707-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h/14707-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/4/7/0/14707/14707-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
+
+VOL. 102
+
+JUNE 11, 1892
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+A DAY AT ANTWERP.
+
+(BY THE "VACUUS VIATOR.")
+
+_In the Place Verte._--"The traveller," according to _Bædeker_,
+"should at once direct his steps to the Cathedral." Not going to be
+bullied by _Bædeker_! Shall assert my independence by directing steps
+somewhere else first. Carillon tinkling fitfully up in tower. Like an
+elderly ghost with failing memory, trying to play every tune she ever
+knew all at once on a cracked, old spinnet. Fancy I detect fragment
+of "_The Heavens are Telling_," tripped up by the "_Old Hundredth_,"
+and falling over "_Haydn's Surprise_." Ghost tries back, and just as
+she seems about to arrive at something definite--suddenly gives it
+up as hopeless. To Church of St. Paulus, to see the Calvary. Small
+but highly intelligent Belgian Boy, who speaks English, insists on
+volunteering services. (Why aren't _our_ street-boys taught French
+and German in Board Schools?--make all the difference to foreigners
+in London.) Boy takes me up avenue of heroic-sized scriptural statues,
+introduces me to "Moïse," "Dahvit mit de 'arp," and others. Kind of
+him--but I wish he would go. Offer him twopence. Boy declines with
+indignation. Young Belgium evidently high-minded and sensitive. He
+informs me that, in a certain church he refers to as "Sin Yack," there
+are "RUBENS' peecture--moch fine," and plainly proposes to conduct
+me thither. Mustn't hurt his feelings again--so accept. Boy clumps
+on ahead, down alleys, and through back-streets, and round corners,
+looking round severely at intervals to see that I am not giving him
+the slip. Nice friendly little fellow--but despotic. Don't seem to be
+much nearer; "Sin Yack" evidently a saint of retiring disposition....
+At last. Boy points him out triumphantly. Thank him, with apologies
+for taking him so much out of his way. Boy demands two francs. Hint,
+as delicately as possible, that I consider this estimate of the value
+of his time and society somewhat high. Boy peremptory. Give him fifty
+centimes. Boy abusive; follows me with uncomplimentary remarks. I can
+_not_ go about Antwerp all day with a hostile boy harassing my rear
+like this! So undignified. However, shall find sanctuary with "Sin
+Yack." Every door closed. Boy at a distance--chuckling, I am afraid.
+Shall walk on--not _hurrying_, but briskly. Boy gone at last--thank
+goodness!--with Parthian yelp of "Rosbif!"
+
+[Illustration: "Rosbif!"]
+
+_In the Cathedral._--Being shown round by Sacristan, in company with
+two respectable young Britons. "You shee dot oltarbiece, gentlemens,"
+says Sacristan, "paint by RUBENS, in seexteen day, for seexteen
+hondert florin." Whereupon both Britons make a kind of "cluck" with
+their tongues. "Dat vos von hondert florin efery day he vas paint,"
+explains the Sacristan. Britons do this division sum in their heads,
+check it as correct, and evidently feel increased respect for RUBENS
+as capable-for an artist--of driving a good bargain. "RUBENS baint
+him ven he vas seexteen," which younger Briton considers "very
+_creditable_ to him, too!" They inspect the High Altar, with more
+clucks, and inform one another, with the air of Protestants who are
+above prejudice, that it's a marvellous piece o' _work_, though, mind
+yer! Sacristan points out holes underneath choir-stalls. "De organ is
+blay over dere, and de mooshique he com out hier troo de 'oles, so all
+be beoples vas vender vere de schounds com from!" First Briton remarks
+to me that "That's a rum start, and no mistake." I agree that it _is_
+a rum start. I shall find myself clucking presently, I know! "Haf you
+scheen yed de bortraits of GLATSHTONE and Lort BAGONSFELDT?" Sacristan
+asks us "... 'No?' then I show you." He leads us up to the finial of
+one of the stalls, which is carved in the figure of a monk. "Is not
+dat de Ole Grandt Man himself?" he asks, triumphantly. Second Briton
+agrees "It's a wonderful likeness, reelly." His Companion admits
+"They've got old GLADSTONE there to a _t_"--but adds that "come
+to _that_, it might do for _either of_ 'em." "Lort BAGONSFELDT" is
+opposite, but, as Sacristan observes, would be more like "if dey only
+vas gif him a leedle gurl on de vorehead." Next we are taken to the
+Retro-Choir and shown the "mosh gurious and peautiful bainting in
+de ole Cathedrale. Schtand yust hier, Gentelmens, _now_ you see him.
+Beoples say, 'Oh, yais, _ve_ know, yust a marble-garvings--a baw
+releff!' I dell you, nodings of de kindt. All so flat as a biece
+of vite baper--com close op. Vat you tink? Vonderful, hey?" Britons
+deeply impressed by this and other wonders, and inform Sacristan that
+their own Cathedrals "ain't _in_ it." "Look at the _value_ of the
+things they've _got_ 'ere, you know," they say to me, clucking, and
+then depart, after asking Sacristan the nearest way to the Zoo.
+
+_At Table d'hôte._--Fellow-countrymen to the fore; both my immediate
+neighbours English, but neither shows any inclination to converse.
+Rather glad of it; afternoon of Museums and Galleries instructive--but
+exhausting. Usual Chatty Clergyman at end of table, talking Guide-book
+intelligently; wife next him, ruminating in silence and dismally
+contemplating artificial plant in a plated pot in front of her. It
+_is_ a depressing object--but why look at it? Horror of two Sportsmen
+opposite on being offered snipe. "Snipe _now_--Great Scott!" they
+exclaim, "And ain't they _high_ too?" One helps himself to some, with
+a sense that being on the Continent makes all the difference. But even
+_his_ courage fails on being offered stewed apricots with it. Close
+by a couple of Americans; a dry middle-aged man, and a talkative young
+fellow who informs him he was at Harvard. Elder man listens to him
+with a grim and wooden forbearance. "Ez fur languages," the younger
+man is saying. "I'd undertake to learn any language inside of six
+months. Fur enstance, I got up Trigonometry in two. You'll tell me
+that _isn't_ a language, and that's so, but take _Latin_ now, I'd
+learn Latin--to write _and_ speak--in a year, Italian I'd learn in a
+fortnight--with constant _study_, you understand. Then there's German.
+Well. I cann't _read_ German--not in their German text, I cann't, and
+I don't _speak_ it with fluency, but I can ask my _way_ in it, and
+order anything _I_ want, and I reckon that's about as much as a man
+requires to know of any language. Will you take a glass of wine outer
+my bottle? I've another coming along." Elder man declines stiffly, on
+plea that he is almost a teetotaller. "Well, maybe you're wise," says
+the Harvard man, "but I've discovered a thing that'll put you all
+right in the morning when you've eaten or drunk more'n's good for you
+overnight. I'll tell you what that thing _is_. It's just persly--plain
+ordinary simple persly. You eat a bunch o' fresh persly first thing
+you get up, and it don't matter _what_ you've taken, you'll feel just
+as _bright_!" Elder man, who has been cutting up his chicken into very
+small pieces, looks up and says solemnly, "You may consider yourself
+vurry fortunate in being able to correct the errors you allude to by a
+means which is at once so efficacious and so innocent." After which he
+subsides into his salad. Harvard man shut up.
+
+_In the Fumoir._--Two drearily undecided men trying to make up their
+minds where to go next. Shall they stay at Antwerp for a day or
+two, or go over to Brussels, or go back to Calais and stay there, or
+_what_? "Calais is on their way _home_, anyhow," says one, and the
+other, without attempting to deny this, thinks "there may be more to
+_see_ at Brussels." "Not more than there is here," says his friend:
+"all these places much about the same." "Well," says the first,
+yawning, "shall we stay where we _are_?" "Just as _you_ please," says
+the other. "No; but what would _you_ rather do?" ... "Me? oh, I'm
+entirely in _your_ hands!" First man, who has had Green Chartreuse
+with his coffee and seems snappish, annoyed at this, and says, "it's
+dam nonsense going on like that." "Oh," says the second, "then you
+leave it to _me_--is _that_ it?" "Haven't I been saying so all along!"
+growls the other. Second Undecided Man silent for a time, evidently
+forcing himself to come to a decision of some sort. At last he looks
+up with relief. "_Well_," he says, very slowly, "what do _you_ think
+about it?" Whereupon they begin all over again. This indecision is
+catching--leave them.
+
+_In the Street--about_ 11:30 P.M.--Back from Variety Theatre. Hotel
+doors closed. Have rung several times--no result at present. Curious
+impression that I shall be hauled up before a Dean or somebody for
+this to-morrow and fined or gated. Wish they'd let me in--chilly out
+here. _Is_ there a night-porter? If not--awkward. Carillon again from
+Cathedral tower. Ghost has managed to recollect a whole tune at last,
+picking it out with one finger. Seem to have heard it before--what the
+Dickens _is_ it? Recognise it as the "Mandolinata in E." Remember the
+VOKES Family dancing to it long ago in the Drury Lane Pantomime. Not
+exactly the tune one would expect to meet in a Cathedral.... Unbolting
+behind doors. Nervous feeling. Half inclined to assure Porter
+penitently that this shall not occur again. Wish him good-night
+instead--pleasantly. Porter grunts--_un_pleasantly. Depressing to be
+grunted at the last thing at night. To bed, chastened.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOAN OF THE MUSIC-HALL MUSE.
+
+    [It is hinted that the vogue of the tremendously successful
+    but tyrannously ubiquitous "_Ta-ra-ra-Boom-de-ay!_" is
+    beginning, at last, to wane.]
+
+_She museth upon "the Boom that waneth every day," and wondering what
+she shall "star" with next, breaketh forth into familiar strains:--_
+
+[Illustration]
+
+AIR--"_What will you do, Love?_"
+
+  What shall I do now? My song was going
+    Like a tide flowing, all Booms beyond;
+  What shall I do, though, when critics hide it,
+    And cads deride it who're now so fond?
+  "Ta-ra-ra" chiding, "Boom-de-ay" deriding!--
+    Nought is abiding--that's sadly true!
+  I'll pray for another Sensation Notion.
+    With deep emotion--that's what I'll do!
+
+    (_Gazes mournfully at her unstrung harp, and, smitten by
+    another reminiscence, sings plaintively_):--
+
+AIR--"_The harp that once through Tara(ra)'s Halls._"
+
+  The harp that once through Music Halls
+    Sheer maddening rapture shed,
+  Now hangs as mute on willow-walls
+    As though that Boom were dead.
+  So dims the pride of former days,
+    So fame's fine thrill is o'er,
+  And throngs who once yelled high with praise,
+    Now find the Boom a bore.
+
+  No more to toffs and totties bright
+    Thy tones, "Ta-ra-ra" swell.
+  The gloom that hailed my turn to-night
+    Sad tales of "staleness" tell.
+  The Chorus now will seldom wake,
+    The old mad cheers who gives?
+  And LOTTIE some new ground must break
+    To prove that still she lives.
+
+_She harketh back to the old strain:--_
+
+  What would you do now if distant tidings,
+    Thy fame's confidings should undermine,--
+  Of some "Star" abiding 'neath other skies,
+    In the public eyes yet more bright than thine?
+  Oh, name it not! 'Twould bring shade and shame
+    On my new-made name, and it can't be true.
+  This far fame of mine, did some rival share it,
+    I could not bear it--what _would_ I do?
+
+  What would you do, now, if home returning,
+    With anger burning at the fickle crew,
+  You found the prospect of another Boom,
+    To dispel your gloom--ah! what would you do?
+  Why then by Ta-Ra, I'd bless the morrow
+    And banish sorrow, and raise my "screw."
+  I'd re-string this Harp hung no more on the willow,
+    And with tears my pillow no more bedew.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO BE, OR NOT TO BE--DISCOVERED!
+
+    SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the
+    General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._
+
+_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for
+Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the
+better for having your assistance.
+
+_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for
+Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have
+determined to retire from the contest.
+
+_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for
+years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for
+the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for
+Parliament--absolutely cut out for it!
+
+_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the
+Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up.
+
+_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own?
+
+_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame)
+that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples.
+
+_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished?
+
+_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received
+(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my
+cheeks--a severe reprimand!
+
+_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a
+slander?
+
+_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was
+once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was
+intoxicated!
+
+_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that?
+
+_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the
+Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds
+of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the
+circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator!
+
+_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly
+what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times
+a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a
+fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible.
+
+_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that
+divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You
+are safe, and I am not.
+
+_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the
+question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small?
+
+_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out!
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily
+    triumphant._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BLIZZARD FROM THE NORTH.
+
+    ["The plea of the existence of such custom, or habit, or
+    practice of copying as is set up can no more be supported
+    when challenged than the highwayman's plea of the custom of
+    Hounslow Heath."--_Justice North's Judgment in the Copyright
+    Action "Walter_ v. _Steinkopff_."]
+
+  So "Stand and deliver!" will not _quite_ do
+  In the year eighteen hundred and ninety-two;
+  And if you are caught on the Queen's highway,
+  With a something for which you've omitted to pay,
+  No use to try putting in--under your breath--
+  The plea of the custom of Hounslow-Heath!
+
+  Thanks to the _Times_ and to Justice NORTH!
+  The highway--of-News--may be clearer henceforth
+  Of robber daring and footpad sly.
+  To stop a coach, or to fake a cly,
+  Boldly to lift or astutely sneak,
+  Will expose a prig to the bobby's tweak,
+  And he shall not shelter himself beneath
+  The plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath.
+
+  _Autolycus_ now must buy his wares,
+  And not with his neighbours go (_gratis_) shares.
+  "Thou shalt not steal--not even brains,"
+  Says Justice NORTH, and his rule remains.
+  Thanks to the Justice, thanks to the _Times_!
+  Plain new definitions of ancient crimes
+  Are needful now when robbers unsheath
+  The old plea of the custom of Hounslow Heath!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR SAL VOLATILE; OR, A WRIGGLER SARPINT OF OLD NILE.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  CLÉOPÂTRE, quittant la Seine,
+  Ici tu viens en souveraine,
+  Where "Britons never will be slaves,"
+  And "BRITANNIA rules the waves."
+  (Ritournelle égoïste et vaine!)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD GEORGIE PORGIE.
+
+  GEORGIE-PORGIE, GRAND BUT SLY,
+  KISSED THE GIRLS TO RAISE A CRY;
+  WHEN THE GIRLS CAME OUT TO PLAY,
+  GEORGIE-PORGIE RAN AWAY!]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEFINITION OF "STUFF AND NONSENSE."--A Junior urging a ridiculous
+plea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WINNER OF THE DERBY.--_Hugo_ in future is to be remembered as
+"_Victor Hugo_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OPERA-GOER'S DIARY.
+
+[Illustration: Hot Weather. The Friar proposes cider-"cupping" as a
+remedy. Dance of Joy in consequence.]
+
+_Monday._--GOUNOD's _Roméo et Juliette_. _Les deux frères_ ("Brothers
+of Corse"), JEAN and EDOUARD, excellent respectively as _Romeo_
+and _Friar Laurent_. EDWARD looked the reverend, kind-hearted, but
+eccentric herbalist to the life, singing splendidly. But Brother JOHN,
+in black wig, black moustache, and with pallid face, look so unhealthy
+a _Romeo_ that his appearance must have first excited _Juliet's_ pity,
+which we all know is akin to love. My advice to JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ is
+to "lighten the part," and "do it on his head,"--which, being summed
+up, means flaxen-haired wig and light moustache. _Juliette Eames_
+charming. _Nurse Bauermeister_ too young. _Tybalt Montariol_, when
+killed, must not lie "toes up" too close to Curtain. Friendly members
+of Capulet faction rescued his legs, otherwise these members must have
+suffered. M. DUFRICHE, as _Mercutio_, mistaken for EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ.
+Subsequent appearance of the real Simon Pure as The Friar only
+complicates matters, but death of _Mercutio_ settles it. The survivor
+is EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ. Mr. ALEC MARSH, late of English Comic Opera,
+appears as the _Duke of Verona_, and everyone admires his Grace.
+
+[Illustration: Vaults on both sides.]
+
+_Tuesday._--_Orféo._ Everyone talking of to-morrow's Derby. Bets
+"taken and Orf-"eo.
+
+_Wednesday._--_Derby Day Night_--celebrated by performance of
+_Philemon_ and _Cavalleria_. Both favourites. But in honour of the
+winner _Hugo_, the Opera ought to have been the _Hugo-nots._
+
+_Thursday_.--_Lohengrin._ _Rentrée_ of Madame NORDICA as _Elsa_, who
+couldn't be bettered by anybody Elser. _Lohengrin_ is "The Johnnie
+of the Opera," i.e., JOHNNIE DE RESZKÉ. First-rate: no longer does he
+appear in dark hair as in _Romeo_; but as a Knight light, suitable to
+the time of year.
+
+_Friday._--_Il Vascello Fantasma_, which is the _Flying Dutchman_
+with MAGGIE MACINTIRE Mac-in-tirely restored to us as the charming
+_Senta_--quite an Eighty-per-_Senta_--of attraction. Awful appearance
+of Phantom Ship! Evidently straight from Dead Sea. Racing conversation
+in all parts of house. "Ancient Mariners," or "Old Epsom Salts,"
+talking about _Flying Dutchman's_ year, 1849,
+
+_Saturday._--Progress reported generally. MELBA very good. Miss
+EAMES being absent, we miss EAMES. House counted out by midnight.
+DRURIOLANUS satisfied with Derby Week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WELSHERS AT THE MANSHUN HOUSE.
+
+We've ad the Welshers ere, and did they injy theirselves? Didn't they
+jest! And wosn't they all jest perlite to us Waiters, as all true
+gents allus is, and didn't they amost shout theirselves hoarse when
+the LORD MARE got up to perpose the fust Toast! But not qwite, oh no,
+not by no means, or they woodn't have bin abel to sing what they calls
+their Nashnal Hanthem so bewtifoolly that they made the werry tears
+cum into my old eyes! One on 'em kindly told me as they calls it, "Him
+glad to find Ada," which means, "The Land of my Fathers"! and a werry
+nice name too, tho I don't quite see why they shoud leave out their
+pore Mothers, but it's the ushal way of the world, out of site out of
+mind! but they makes up for it by calling the Land of their Fathers,
+their Mother country, so it comes all rite in the end.
+
+The same kind Gent told me he oped they would sing their favrit song,
+"Ah, hide her nose!" commonly called "_Poor_ MARY ANN!" so I should
+think indeed.
+
+I didn't see, in looking down the long list of Gests, no gent by the
+name of TAFFY, at which I was summut serprized.
+
+I heard a gent interdoosed as the Edditer of "the General Gimrig,"
+which I takes to be a Raddicle Paper. I didn't at all no afore what a
+wunderfooll harrystokratic place little Wales is. Why we had about a
+duzen Nobbelmen inclewding a reel Dook, and as if that wosn't rayther
+a staggerer, we had no less than four reel Bishups with Harchdeecuns
+to match, about thirty Members of Parlement, and quite a brood of
+Welch Mares.
+
+I suttenly thort as I had had a werry fair sampel of Welch enthusyasm
+and Welch loyalty when I herd them jine in singin _our_ Nashnal
+Anthem; but lor it was nothin to their recepshun of the LORD MARE
+when he guv 'em the Toast of the hevening, "Wales!" Why they sprung
+to their feet, Bishups, and Harchdeecuns, and Dook, and Nobbelmen, and
+M.P.'s and all, and shouted and cheerd and emtied their glasses, and
+then gave three such cheers as made the hold All ring again! Which I
+wished as the Prinse of WALES was there to heer 'em.
+
+BROWN and me had our nice quiet larf together at the ushal bit of fun.
+When sum werry ellerkent gent was a makin a speach as was rayther too
+long for them as wanted to heer the lovely Welch mewsic, they began
+for to hammer on the table with our bewtifool silver spoons and
+reel cut glasses, meaning to say, "That's about enuff," but the pore
+delewded Horrator thort it meant, "Keep it up, my boy; it's splendid!"
+So he kep it up till two of our best glasses was broke, and then he
+kindly sat down looking the werry pictur of happiness. It reminded
+me of a simlar little delushun as we practises early in the year.
+"Waiter," says sum hungry Gent, "bring me sum more Whitebait," and I
+takes him sum more Sprats, and he is quite content! As our Grate Poet
+says, "Where hignorance makes you 'appy, remane as you are"! Upon the
+whole, I wentures to think as the Welch Nashnal Bankwet, given by Lord
+Mare EVANS, was about the most sucksessful as I have ewer assisted
+at during my menny years of such pleasant xperiences. I finishes by
+saying, I should werry much like to see a reel Irish Lord Mare try his
+hand in the same Nashnal way.
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TIP-TOP TIPSTER.
+
+    [In some spirited verses that appeared in the _Sportsman_, on
+    the morning of Derby Day, Mr. JOHN TREW-HAY, alone amongst the
+    prophets, selected _Sir Hugo_ as the winner.]
+
+  Ye Gods, what a Prophet! We thought 'twas his fun,
+  For the horse that he picked stood at fifty to one,
+  And we all felt inclined in our pride to say, "You go
+  To Bath and be blowed!" when he plumped for _Sir Hugo_.
+  But henceforth we shall know, though the bookies may laugh,
+  That this HAY means a harvest, and cannot mean chaff.
+  Though it lies on the turf, there's no sportsman can rue
+  That he trusted such HAY when he knew it was TREW!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"RESIGNATION OF AN ALDERMAN."--He had had two basins of Turtle. He
+asked for yet another. "All gone, Sir; Turtle off!" was the Waiter's
+answer. The Alderman said not a word; he smiled a sickly smile. There
+was no help for it, or "no helping of it," as he truthfully put it. He
+would do his best with the remainder of the _menu_. The resignation of
+the Alderman was indeed a sight to touch the heart even of ROBERT the
+City Waiter.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRER FOX AND OLE MAN CROW.
+
+(_A FABLE SOMEWHAT IN THE FASHION OF "UNCLE REMUS," BUT WITH
+APPLICATIONS NEARER HOME._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  Ole Man Crow he wuz settin' on der rail,
+    Brer Fox he up en he sez, sezee,
+    "Dis yer's a sight dat yo' otter see!"
+  En he show him der tip of his (Ulster) tail.
+  "Eve'y gent otter have a lick at dis yer,
+  So's ter know w'at's w'at; en _yer_ needn't fear!"
+          "Oho! Oho!"
+          Sez Ole Man Crow.
+  "But der Irish butter I've a notion dat _I_ know!"
+
+  Brer Fox he boast, and Brer Fox he bounce,
+  But Ole Man Crow heft his weight to an ounce.
+  "Wat, tote me round der Orange-grove?"
+      Sez Ole Man Crow, sezee;
+  "Tooby sho dat's kyind, but I radder not rove
+    Wer der oranges are flyin' kinder free;
+  Wer One-eyed RILEY en Slipshot SAM
+  Sorter lam one ernudder ker-blunk, ker-blam!
+  Tree stan' high, but honey mighty sweet--
+  Watch dem bees wid stingers on der feet!
+  Make a bow ter de Buzzard, en den ter de Crow,
+  Takes a limber-toe'd gemman for ter jump Jim Crow!"
+
+  Den Brer Fox snortle en Brer Fox frown.
+  Sezee, "You're settin dar sorter keerless-like," sezee.
+    "But yer better come down,
+    Der is foes a broozin' roun'
+  W'at will give yer wus den butter in der North Countree.
+  You'll get mixed wid der Tar-Baby ef inter der North yo' pitch,
+  For der North ain't gwinter cave in, radder die in der las' ditch!"
+
+  Den Ole Man Crow up en sez, sezee,
+  "You been runnin' roun' a long time, en a-sassin' atter me;
+  But I speck you done come to de end er de row.
+  You wun't frighten me not wuth a cent.," sez Ole Man Crow.
+  "I ain't gwine nowhere skasely; I'll be busy near dis rail.
+  You wun't tempt me wid de butter--or der powder--on yo' tail.
+  Good-bye, Brer Fox, take keer yo' cloze,
+  For dis is de way de worril goes;
+  Some goes up en some goes down.
+  _You_'ll get ter de bottom all safe en soun'!
+  I'll watch yo' 'strategy' wid int'rest, now en den,
+  En--well, I'll try ter _look_, des as _frightened_ as I ken!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The House of Lords Committee of Privileges decided that Captain
+FORESTER's action in the Barnard Peerage case was a Vane attempt.
+"The chance," said the _Times_, "of such a prize as Raby Castle, with
+£60,000 a-year, is likely to tempt a man to think his arguments and
+claims are better than they really are." Raby Castle on the brain
+would soon become a sort of Rabies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HAMLET IN HALF AN HOUR.
+
+(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR.
+PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._)
+
+    SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and
+    the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._
+
+_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to
+the story that has so much interested me?
+
+_Ghost._ It is! Behold!
+
+    [_He waves his bâton and a rock becomes transparent,
+    displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_]
+
+_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met
+thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle.
+And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King!
+Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real
+poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how
+it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._)
+And canst thou show me more?
+
+_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold!
+
+    [_He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a tableau
+    representing the Burial of OPHELIA._
+
+_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that
+were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired
+to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic
+Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more!
+
+    [_The vision fades away like its predecessor._
+
+_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time.
+And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and
+no more! Thou wilt remember!
+
+_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so
+I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will!
+
+    _Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._
+
+_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor
+at to-day's trial of skill!
+
+_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He
+and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more!
+
+_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit!
+
+_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do
+love thee.
+
+_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and
+mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone!
+
+_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils!
+
+_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons!
+
+_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more!
+
+_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this
+one!
+
+    [_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._
+
+_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be
+ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The
+cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time
+will come! I triumph!
+
+    [_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._
+
+_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs!
+
+    [_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are
+    exchanged._
+
+_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup.
+
+_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I
+will crush a cup with thee, later!
+
+_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._
+
+_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother,
+boy! That makes six. The limit's reached!
+
+_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good
+LAERTES, I am at thy service.
+
+    [_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._
+
+_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit!
+
+_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee!
+
+    [_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES.
+
+_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._
+
+_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute!
+
+    [_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._
+
+_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the
+King. [_Dies._
+
+_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time
+is all but up!
+
+_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell,
+farewell, a long farewell to all my--
+
+_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up!
+
+    (_Quick Curtain_)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST.
+
+_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his
+Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S
+IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED."
+
+    SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY
+    (Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter
+    has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another
+    four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the
+    (Cricket) saying is._
+
+_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR!
+
+_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_).       Ah! bit of a fluke.
+
+_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke,
+    But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down.
+
+_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he
+          will frown,
+    And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care,
+    Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there.
+    Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_!
+    I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars
+    At their flashy young favourite?
+
+_Bowler_ (_aside_).                Humph! he lays on!
+    I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone.
+    'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort.
+    Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport,
+    As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case
+    When he bowled and PILCH batted.
+
+_Champion Bat_ (_aside_).          Just twig HARCOURT's face!
+    Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"--
+    If I gave him a chance?
+
+_Captain_.                 He's a fine slogging bat,
+    But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score
+    Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more
+    Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard
+    Will be rhyming your doings!
+
+_Champion Bat_.                An awful "reward"!
+    But shall we play on?
+
+_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_).     Well, now, what do you think?
+    From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink,
+    But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win:
+    They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in.
+    Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed.
+    Suppose we declare that our innings is closed?
+
+    [_Left considering it._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PROBABLE STARTERS."
+
+The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost.
+
+The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected
+appearance in the Kitchen.
+
+Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to
+business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to
+face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock.
+
+LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a
+conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial
+Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have
+settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I
+beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just
+returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and
+back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission
+to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to
+him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely
+relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of
+refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street,
+Charing Cross.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by
+Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton
+College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's"
+Prophecies.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED."
+
+RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS
+INNINGS _CLOSED_?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CONFESSIONS OF A DUFFER.
+
+NO. XI.--THE DUFFER IN LOVE.
+
+Mrs. MCDUFFER never greatly admired the lady with whom this confession
+is concerned. She denies that CECILIA BRAND was pretty, and when I
+do not answer (for where is the use of argument in such a case?), she
+remarks that I am too short-sighted to know whether a woman is pretty
+or not. This appears to myself to be an injudicious assertion, and the
+flank of my opponent might be turned if it were worth while. But it is
+not worth while. A Duffer I may be, but not such a duffer as to reason
+with a woman. If you score a point (and how many times one sees an
+opening in the fair one's harness), a woman is angry, or cries, or
+both, and there is no repartee to that _ultima ratio_.
+
+[Illustration: "It was while thus engaged that I heard a sound of
+female voices."]
+
+I maintain, then, that CECILIA was pretty, and very pretty; pleasant,
+and very pleasant. No doubt she keeps those qualities yet. I do not
+believe in the syllogism by which a man persuades himself that he was
+a fool, that he had a lucky escape, that a girl becomes quite another
+person, and usually very stout and stupid, because she has preferred
+someone else to himself. No, if we met to-morrow--But Fortune forbid
+that we should meet to-morrow, or any other day! I have no relics of
+CECILIA. I had some,--an old glove, a lash of a riding-switch, and
+other trifles. I kept them in the secret drawer of a bureau, and in
+my absence that bureau was traded away for a new æsthetic article,
+relics and all, of course. Perhaps some minor poet bought the piece
+of furniture, and found the things, and wrote a poem on them. That is
+what makes me uncomfortable. If CECILIA sees the poem in one of the
+Magazines, and remembers the incidents which the souvenirs recall,
+she will certainly not be pleased with me, whether she fancies that I
+wrote the poem, or that I forgot all about the treasures, and traded
+their receptacle away. Life is really very complicated.
+
+I met CECILIA at a house in the country. We sat next each other at
+dinner. I found her charming. We had the same taste in novels,--she
+knew Miss AUSTEN almost off by heart, and, like me, she was very fond
+of field sports. I flattered myself that she did not find my company
+uncongenial. In the evening there was a little dance: I don't dance,
+or at least, it was some time since I had danced, not in fact since
+the used to make me take dancing lessons at school. How I hated
+it! However, this time I thought it seemed very easy and pleasant,
+though the floor was extremely polished and slippery, dangerously
+so. CECILIA, of course, was my partner. You know how they describe
+waltzing in novels, the ecstasy of it, the wild impassioned delight.
+Consult GUY LIVINGSTONE and OUIDA. Well, it was not at all like that.
+
+I do not exactly remember what occurred. We started, there was a buzz.
+I think there was a collision. I became extremely dizzy.... When
+I recovered my senses, it was _not_ to find the dark grey eyes of
+CECILIA bending over me with an expression of anxiety. No, she was not
+there. I went to bed: I know there was a great contusion on my elbow.
+
+Next morning, it was winter, everyone was going to skate. Now I could
+not skate. At school, when there was a skating holiday, I always
+passed it beside the fire, which I had all to myself, roasting apples,
+and reading _Ivanhoe_. These were among my happiest hours. However,
+I did not tell CECILIA that I could not skate. I pretended (it seemed
+safe) to be desperately fond of hunting, and to despise skating.
+Besides I had work, literary work, I told CECILIA, an article on Miss
+AUSTEN. This pleased her, but nobody accepted the article. In fact, I
+was bent on secretly learning to skate. I sent to town for a pair of
+"Acmes," for I knew I never could manage all the straps and buckles
+of the ordinary modern skate. I knew of a pond where nobody came, and
+thither, under cover of night, I smuggled a bed-room chair. They say
+that pushing a chair in front of you is a good way to learn. My terror
+was extreme; it would be awkward to be caught, at a friend's house,
+stealing a bed-room chair. That I ventured this risk shows how fond of
+CECILIA I was. I reached the pond safely, and hid the chair in a dry
+ditch. Next day, when presumed to be engaged on literary labours, I
+sneaked back, sat down on my chair, and tried to put on the skates.
+It always seemed so easy when one saw an expert do it, like Mercury
+donning his winged shoon, and sailing over the ice. But my hands grew
+blue as I struggled with the key and the nuts, till I became certain
+that my boots were in fault.
+
+There was no help for it, I hid my chair in its ditch, and returned,
+to take the village cobbler into my confidence. He, good man, rose
+to the situation, and pointed out what I had surmised to be the
+case, viz., that the heels of my boots were too long to allow the
+chisel-edged flange to be adjusted by the lever, and admit at the same
+time of the other end of the heel being gripped by the cramps,--but
+he promised to whittle away part of the heel, and send the skates home
+without delay: and he was as good as his word.
+
+This time I took the precaution of fitting them on in my room. I
+walked about in them, and was happy. Next day I got to work again:
+gingerly I brought my chair into action, but I was wholly unprepared
+for the extreme slipperiness of the ice, even though forewarned to
+some extent by the painful experiences of _Mr. Winkle_. I had read
+that the skater "is very highly favoured when contending with the
+great enemy of motion, viz., friction," a proposition which I found
+to be perfectly true. My legs developed separatist tendencies, and
+started on independent orbits. Often I found myself sitting down in
+a position affected by acrobats, but unusual in Society. As for the
+chair, it would rear and plunge like a horse, or escape across the
+ice, where I had to crawl to it on my knees. It was while thus engaged
+that I heard a sound of female voices, and, lo! there were CECILIA and
+two other girls, who had heard of this pond in the wood, and come to
+try it. I presented a singular spectacle, kneeling before a bed-room
+chair in the middle of a lonely pond. They laughed, a lover should
+never be ridiculous, but how could I help it! I thought it best to
+be frank, indeed, what excuse could I make, what explanation could I
+offer? In the evening I told CECILIA that I had undergone all this for
+her sake; that, expert in other pastimes (except dancing), I had hoped
+to make myself more worthy of "figuring" in her society. But, as a
+matter of fact, I never got so far as figures.
+
+Next day there was a thaw, and soon I had an opportunity of riding
+with CECILIA. It was "The Last Ride Together," as in Mr. BROWNING. I
+don't like to speak about it. When we got off the road on to the turf
+my horse began to kick and plunge. I have read that it is not right,
+but I did what I always do, I held on by the pummel. Would _you_ not
+hold on by the carpet, in an earthquake. It felt like a young and
+lively earthquake. We came home soon, _CECILIA leading my horse_.
+People staying in the house met us.
+
+I did not propose to CECILIA. I thought, like _Sir Andrew Aguecheek_,
+"It is four to one she'll none of me." Nay, the odds were probably
+even longer. Ah, CECILIA, if these lines meet thine eyes, thou wilt
+know that one heart still is true. In another life, less begirt by
+material difficulties, we may meet amongst the asphodel, where there
+is no opportunity for the display of mere mechanical accomplishments.
+Till then, _au revoir_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+APPROPRIATE.--At Nancy, the Maire pledged the Czech gymnasts, in a
+goblet of Pommery. Their chief, returning thanks in French, with
+a strong Bohemian accent, remarked that he took this as a great
+compliment to his own nationality, the champagne being "_très Czech_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: TROP DE ZÈLE.
+
+(_An Aristocratic Tip._)
+
+_The New Companion_ (_fresh from Girtham College_). "YES, LADY JANE,
+I SAW _H_ER, WITH _H_ER _H_ABITUAL _H_YPOCRISY _H_OLDING OUT _H_ER
+_H_AND TO _H_IS AS _H_E WAS _H_ARANGUING AT _H_IS _H_OTEL--"
+
+_Lady Jane._ "GOOD GRACIOUS, CHILD, DON'T STICK IN YOUR H'S SO
+CAREFULLY AS ALL THAT! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER
+DROPPED 'EM, AND THAT YOU'RE TRYIN' TO PICK 'EM UP!" [_And People
+wouldn't be very far wrong._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LADY GAY'S SELECTIONS.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--Of my two selections to supply the last Horse in the
+Derby--one--_La Flêche_, so far forgot what was due to my prophetic
+utterances as to finish _second_--and indeed, very nearly _win_!
+However, as such reprehensible conduct was mainly owing to the absurd
+wish of her jockey, BARRETT, to be first, my readers will see that no
+blame attaches to _me_--as the mare would doubtless not have hurried
+so much had she been left to her own devices--(the sex notoriously
+dislikes hurry)--it being a well-known fact that she would make a
+race with a donkey!--though why donkey races should be spoken of with
+such contempt. I don't know, for I once rode one with Lord ARTHUR
+on Hampstead Heath--(it was during our engagement, when people will
+do foolish things; we had been "slumming," and he was disguised in
+"pearlies," whilst I was gowned "_à la_ 'ARRIETT")--and I assure you
+our Donkeys went very fast. However--this is a digression--as the man
+said when he walked over the cliff, so let us "_noch einmal zu unser
+schafen_," as the German proverb runs. Although disappointed in the
+behaviour of _La Flêche_, my second string _Llanthony_ maintained
+my reputation for correct tips, by running _last_, as I said he
+would!--It is true that some papers report him as having finished
+seventh and _El Diablo_ last; but as he did not _win_, he might just
+as well have been last as seventh--and as I am sure my friend Lord
+ELTHAM will not mind the placings being reversed--I therefore place
+_Llanthony_ last--and those of my readers who took my advice and
+backed him, will have every reason to congratulate themselves when
+they draw their money!
+
+With regard to the winner, _Sir Hugo_, whose success was a general
+surprise to all except myself--(surprise is bad form)--I can only
+follow the example of all other writers on turf matters in declaring
+that, "he always had my good word, and was in fact my winter
+favourite, as anyone can see who will take the trouble to glance
+through my earlier advices!"--these will be difficult to find, as
+they were only conveyed in private letters which will not be published
+until my biography is written later on!--(very much, I hope). Still,
+had I pursued the ordinary course of trying to tip the _Winner_, _Sir
+Hugo_ would undoubtedly have been my sole selection--a fact which
+should not fail to weigh with my followers--and I _have_ followers
+in plenty, as Lord ARTHUR knows!
+
+Having done the whole of Epsom week, I shall be glad of a rest to
+get ready for Ascot--(four new gowns to try on)--and besides there
+are some smart parties to attend next week, so Doncaster will not be
+blessed with my sweet presence. However, I have a friend there on
+the Press _who can be trusted_. So, in concluding this letter with
+my selection for the last horse in the Manchester Cup, I am able to
+recommend it _very_ strongly, as my friend will do the placing; and
+as _I_ am not there, no collusion can be suspected!
+
+I must just mention that among the shows provided on Epsom Downs for
+the entertainment of the multitude, was one which I should like to see
+done away with, namely, the so-called "glove contests"--which to my
+mind are not calculated to advance "England's greatness" nor are they
+pleasing to look on at. The "abolition of Slavin(g)" is undoubtedly
+a fine thing, but is hardly perhaps an unmixed blessing when it makes
+heroes of Dusky Warriors!
+
+I hear from my friend Major CLEMENT that we are going to have a most
+successful Ascot in spite of the regrettable absence of Royalty;
+indeed he could have let all the Boxes twice over--and as I shall
+be staying there all the week with my friends the Baron and Baroness
+LUTHER VON MONTAG, I hope to collect some valuable information for my
+betting readers.
+
+Yours devotedly, LADY GAY.
+
+THE TIP.
+
+  To ride the first horse in the Manchester Cup
+    Is a thing for which jockeys might quarrel!
+  But if modest young WOODBURN should have the "leg up,"
+    He's content to be _last_ on "_Balmoral_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty
+assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on
+Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr.
+G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all
+other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer
+pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the
+line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father
+was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the
+circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the
+brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality
+of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a
+wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is
+going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the
+best man."
+
+[Illustration: Truculent Tim.]
+
+Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind
+admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word
+Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince
+ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr.
+G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient
+circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session;
+the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then
+the same precaution been observed.
+
+"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented
+on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't
+mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is
+carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a
+Parliament whose days are numbered."
+
+SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though
+under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it
+before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock.
+SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for
+the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night
+or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and
+sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that
+might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of
+JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _à propos_ of the
+Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either
+a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant.
+"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that
+was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by
+one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would
+depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill
+read Second Time.
+
+[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL
+SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892.
+
+_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose
+the personality of the spectators._]
+
+_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's
+Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling.
+A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person
+of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A
+desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly
+to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by
+watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his
+truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby
+Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON
+by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval;
+GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in
+Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain.
+With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a
+success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE
+had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here
+again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred?
+
+"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to
+second the Amendment?"
+
+Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative
+proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore
+ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back
+up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the
+Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered.
+
+This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House,
+wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was
+a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would
+he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the
+position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone,
+manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever
+enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect
+anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the
+Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID
+LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that
+abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had
+his jest, and the Opposition had his estate.
+
+_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against
+144.
+
+[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)]
+
+_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met
+shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me.
+"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the
+place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly
+afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will
+not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new
+Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among
+other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left.
+I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in
+my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers
+saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for
+forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE
+pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that
+House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the
+close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is,
+I will admit, soothing."
+
+(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in
+with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but
+isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll
+excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again
+little later."
+
+[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."]
+
+(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells
+ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't
+lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch
+half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present;
+must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER,
+"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again
+retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured
+there are forty Members present."
+
+SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before
+House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES
+determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER
+wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a
+fiver.
+
+(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES
+looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But
+arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and
+ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES
+KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on
+picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds
+only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see
+why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says
+ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and
+profitable afternoon."
+
+_Business done._--House not made.
+
+_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but
+at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday.
+"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the
+Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the
+rate of five miles an hour.
+
+_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration]
+
+THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his
+bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts
+up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and
+perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiæ_ to
+say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part
+of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners
+suspend payment; we suspend judgment.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet
+sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent
+to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's
+dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the
+letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed,
+"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a
+Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it
+with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along
+in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated,
+is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of
+advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things
+better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays;
+but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London,
+Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard,
+but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her
+Majesty takes a Deesided course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
+Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
+case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
+Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 14707 ***