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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/877-0.txt b/877-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6e77e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/877-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,876 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Britain, by Washington Irving + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Little Britain + +Author: Washington Irving + +Release Date: April, 1997 [Etext #877] +Posting Date: July 9, 2009 +Last Updated: September 14, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + + + + +Produced by Anthony J. Adam and David Widger + + + + + + + + + +LITTLE BRITAIN + +By Washington Irving + + + What I write is most true... I have a whole booke of cases + lying by me which if I should sette foorth, some grave + auntients (within the hearing of Bow bell) would be out of + charity with me.--NASHE. + + +In the centre of the great city of London lies a small neighborhood, +consisting of a cluster of narrow streets and courts, of very venerable +and debilitated houses, which goes by the name of LITTLE BRITAIN. Christ +Church School and St. Bartholomew’s Hospital bound it on the west; +Smithfield and Long Lane on the north; Aldersgate Street, like an arm +of the sea, divides it from the eastern part of the city; whilst the +yawning gulf of Bull-and-Mouth Street separates it from Butcher Lane, +and the regions of Newgate. Over this little territory, thus bounded and +designated, the great dome of St. Paul’s, swelling above the intervening +houses of Paternoster Row, Amen Corner, and Ave Maria Lane, looks down +with an air of motherly protection. + +This quarter derives its appellation from having been, in ancient times, +the residence of the Dukes of Brittany. As London increased, however, +rank and fashion rolled off to the west, and trade, creeping on at their +heels, took possession of their deserted abodes. For some time Little +Britain became the great mart of learning, and was peopled by the busy +and prolific race of booksellers; these also gradually deserted it, and, +emigrating beyond the great strait of Newgate Street, settled down +in Paternoster Row and St. Paul’s Churchyard, where they continue to +increase and multiply even at the present day. + +But though thus falling into decline, Little Britain still bears traces +of its former splendor. There are several houses ready to tumble down, +the fronts of which are magnificently enriched with old oaken carvings +of hideous faces, unknown birds, beasts, and fishes; and fruits and +flowers which it would perplex a naturalist to classify. There are also, +in Aldersgate Street, certain remains of what were once spacious and +lordly family mansions, but which have in latter days been subdivided +into several tenements. Here may often be found the family of a petty +tradesman, with its trumpery furniture, burrowing among the relics of +antiquated finery, in great, rambling, time-stained apartments, with +fretted ceilings, gilded cornices, and enormous marble fireplaces. The +lanes and courts also contain many smaller houses, not on so grand a +scale, but, like your small ancient gentry, sturdily maintaining their +claims to equal antiquity. These have their gable ends to the street; +great bow-windows, with diamond panes set in lead, grotesque carvings, +and low arched door-ways. + +In this most venerable and sheltered little nest have I passed several +quiet years of existence, comfortably lodged in the second floor of +one of the smallest but oldest edifices. My sitting-room is an old +wainscoted chamber, with small panels, and set off with a miscellaneous +array of furniture. I have a particular respect for three or four +high-backed claw-footed chairs, covered with tarnished brocade, which +bear the marks of having seen better days, and have doubtless figured +in some of the old palaces of Little Britain. They seem to me to +keep together, and to look down with sovereign contempt upon their +leathern-bottomed neighbors: as I have seen decayed gentry carry a +high head among the plebeian society with which they were reduced +to associate. The whole front of my sitting-room is taken up with a +bow-window, on the panes of which are recorded the names of previous +occupants for many generations, mingled with scraps of very indifferent +gentlemanlike poetry, written in characters which I can scarcely +decipher, and which extol the charms of many a beauty of Little Britain +who has long, long since bloomed, faded, and passed away. As I am an +idle personage, with no apparent occupation, and pay my bill regularly +every week, I am looked upon as the only independent gentleman of +the neighborhood; and, being curious to learn the internal state of a +community so apparently shut up within itself, I have managed to work my +way into all the concerns and secrets of the place. + +Little Britain may truly be called the heart’s core of the city; the +stronghold of true John Bullism. It is a fragment of London as it was in +its better days, with its antiquated folks and fashions. Here flourish +in great preservation many of the holiday games and customs of yore. +The inhabitants most religiously eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, +hot-cross-buns on Good Friday, and roast goose at Michaelmas; they send +love-letters on Valentine’s Day, burn the pope on the fifth of November, +and kiss all the girls under the mistletoe at Christmas. Roast beef and +plum pudding are also held in superstitious veneration, and port and +sherry maintain their grounds as the only true English wines; all others +being considered vile, outlandish beverages. + +Little Britain has its long catalogue of city wonders, which its +inhabitants consider the wonders of the world: such as the great bell +of St. Paul’s, which sours all the beer when it tolls; the figures that +strike the hours at St. Dunstan’s clock; the Monument; the lions in the +Tower; and the wooden giants in Guildhall. They still believe in dreams +and fortune-telling, and an old woman that lives in Bull-and-Mouth +Street makes a tolerable subsistence by detecting stolen goods, +and promising the girls good husbands. They are apt to be rendered +uncomfortable by comets and eclipses; and if a dog howls dolefully at +night, it is looked upon as a sure sign of a death in the place. There +are even many ghost stories current, particularly concerning the old +mansion-houses; in several of which it is said strange sights are +sometimes seen. Lords and ladies, the former in full bottomed wigs, +hanging sleeves, and swords, the latter in lappets, stays, hoops and +brocade, have been seen walking up and down the great waste chambers, +on moonlight nights; and are supposed to be the shades of the ancient +proprietors in their court-dresses. + +Little Britain has likewise its sages and great men. One of the most +important of the former is a tall, dry old gentleman, of the name +of Skryme, who keeps a small apothecary’s shop. He has a cadaverous +countenance, full of cavities and projections; with a brown circle round +each eye, like a pair of horned spectacles. He is much thought of by the +old women, who consider him a kind of conjurer, because he has two of +three stuffed alligators hanging up in his shop, and several snakes in +bottles. He is a great reader of almanacs and newspapers, and is much +given to pore over alarming accounts of plots, conspiracies, fires, +earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions; which last phenomena he considers +as signs of the times. He has always some dismal tale of the kind to +deal out to his customers, with their doses; and thus at the same time +puts both soul and body into an uproar. He is a great believer in omens +and predictions; and has the prophecies of Robert Nixon and Mother +Shipton by heart. No man can make so much out of an eclipse, or even +an unusually dark day; and he shook the tail of the last comet over the +heads of his customers and disciples until they were nearly frightened +out of their wits. He has lately got hold of a popular legend or +prophecy, on which he has been unusually eloquent. There has been a +saying current among the ancient sibyls, who treasure up these things, +that when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange shook hands with +the dragon on the top of Bow Church Steeple, fearful events would take +place. This strange conjunction, it seems, has as strangely come to +pass. The same architect has been engaged lately on the repairs of the +cupola of the Exchange, and the steeple of Bow church; and, fearful to +relate, the dragon and the grasshopper actually lie, cheek by jole, in +the yard of his workshop. + +“Others,” as Mr. Skryme is accustomed to say, “may go star-gazing, and +look for conjunctions in the heavens, but here is a conjunction on the +earth, near at home, and under our own eyes, which surpasses all +the signs and calculations of astrologers.” Since these portentous +weathercocks have thus laid their heads together, wonderful events had +already occurred. The good old king, notwithstanding that he had lived +eighty-two years, had all at once given up the ghost; another king had +mounted the throne; a royal duke had died suddenly,--another, in France, +had been murdered; there had been radical meetings in all parts of the +kingdom; the bloody scenes at Manchester; the great plot of Cato Street; +and above all, the queen had returned to England! All these sinister +events are recounted by Mr. Skryme, with a mysterious look, and a dismal +shake of the head; and being taken with his drugs, and associated in the +minds of his auditors with stuffed sea-monsters, bottled serpents, and +his own visage, which is a title-page of tribulation, they have spread +great gloom through the minds of the people of Little Britain. They +shake their heads whenever they go by Bow Church, and observe, that they +never expected any good to come of taking down that steeple, which in +old times told nothing but glad tidings, as the history of Whittington +and his Cat bears witness. + +The rival oracle of Little Britain is a substantial cheesemonger, +who lives in a fragment of one of the old family mansions, and is as +magnificently lodged as a round-bellied mite in the midst of one of his +own Cheshires. Indeed, he is a man of no little standing and importance; +and his renown extends through Huggin Lane, and Lad Lane, and even unto +Aldermanbury. His opinion is very much taken in affairs of state, having +read the Sunday papers for the last half century, together with the +“Gentleman’s Magazine,” Rapin’s “History of England,” and the “Naval +Chronicle.” His head is stored with invaluable maxims which have borne +the test of time and use for centuries. It is his firm opinion that +“it is a moral impossible,” so long as England is true to herself, that +anything can shake her; and he has much to say on the subject of the +national debt, which, somehow or other, he proves to be a great national +bulwark and blessing. He passed the greater part of his life in the +purlieus of Little Britain, until of late years, when, having become +rich, and grown into the dignity of a Sunday cane, he begins to take his +pleasure and see the world. He has therefore made several excursions to +Hampstead, Highgate, and other neighboring towns, where he has +passed whole afternoons in looking back upon the metropolis through a +telescope, and endeavoring to descry the steeple of St. Bartholomew’s. +Not a stage-coachman of Bull-and-Mouth Street but touches his hat as he +passes; and he is considered quite a patron at the coach-office of the +Goose and Gridiron, St. Paul’s churchyard. His family have been very +urgent for him to make an expedition to Margate, but he has great doubts +of those new gimcracks, the steamboats, and indeed thinks himself too +advanced in life to undertake sea-voyages. + +Little Britain has occasionally its factions and divisions, and party +spirit ran very high at one time in consequence of two rival “Burial +Societies” being set up in the place. One held its meeting at the Swan +and Horse Shoe, and was patronized by the cheesemonger; the other at the +Cock and Crown, under the auspices of the apothecary; it is needless to +say that the latter was the most flourishing. I have passed an evening +or two at each, and have acquired much valuable information, as to +the best mode of being buried, the comparative merits of churchyards, +together with divers hints on the subject of patent-iron coffins. I have +heard the question discussed in all its bearings as to the legality +of prohibiting the latter on account of their durability. The feuds +occasioned by these societies have happily died of late; but they were +for a long time prevailing themes of controversy, the people of Little +Britain being extremely solicitous of funereal honors and of lying +comfortably in their graves. + +Besides these two funeral societies there is a third of quite a +different cast, which tends to throw the sunshine of good-humor over +the whole neighborhood. It meets once a week at a little old-fashioned +house, kept by a jolly publican of the name of Wagstaff, and bearing for +insignia a resplendent half-moon, with a most seductive bunch of grapes. +The old edifice is covered with inscriptions to catch the eye of the +thirsty wayfarer, such as “Truman, Hanbury, and Co.’s Entire,” “Wine, +Rum, and Brandy Vaults,” “Old Tom, Rum and Compounds, etc.” This indeed +has been a temple of Bacchus and Momus from time immemorial. It ha +always been in the family of the Wagstaffs, so that its history is +tolerably preserved by the present landlord. It was much frequented by +the gallants and cavalieros of the reign of Elizabeth, and was looked +into now and then by the wits of Charles the Second’s day. But what +Wagstaff principally prides himself upon is, that Henry the Eighth, in +one of his nocturnal rambles, broke the head of one of his ancestors +with his famous walking-staff. This, however, is considered as a rather +dubious and vainglorious boast of the landlord. + +The club which now holds its weekly sessions here goes by the name of +“The Roaring Lads of Little Britain.” They abound in old catches, glees, +and choice stories, that are traditional in the place, and not to be met +with in any other part of the metropolis. There is a madcap undertaker +who is inimitable at a merry song; but the life of the club, and +indeed the prime wit of Little Britain, is bully Wagstaff himself. His +ancestors were all wags before him, and he has inherited with the inn +a large stock of songs and jokes, which go with it from generation to +generation as heirlooms. He is a dapper little fellow, with bandy legs +and pot belly, a red face, with a moist, merry eye, and a little shock +of gray hair behind. At the opening of every club night he is called +in to sing his “Confession of Faith,” which is the famous old drinking +trowl from “Gammer Gurton’s Needle.” He sings it, to be sure, with many +variations, as he received it from his father’s lips; for it has been a +standing favorite at the Half-Moon and Bunch of Grapes ever since it was +written; nay, he affirms that his predecessors have often had the honor +of singing it before the nobility and gentry at Christmas mummeries, +when Little Britain was in all its glory. + +It would do one’s heart good to hear, on a club night, the shouts of +merriment, the snatches of song, and now and then the choral bursts of +half a dozen discordant voices, which issue from this jovial mansion. At +such times the street is lined with listeners, who enjoy a delight +equal to that of gazing into a confectioner’s window, or snuffing up the +steams of a cookshop. + +There are two annual events which produce great stir and sensation in +Little Britain; these are St. Bartholomew’s Fair, and the Lord Mayor’s +Day. During the time of the fair, which is held in the adjoining regions +of Smithfield, there is nothing going on but gossiping and gadding +about. The late quiet streets of Little Britain are overrun with an +irruption of strange figures and faces; every tavern is a scene of rout +and revel. The fiddle and the song are heard from the tap-room, morning, +noon, and night; and at each window may be seen some group of boon +companions, with half-shut eyes, hats on one side, pipe in mouth, and +tankard in hand, fondling, and prosing, and singing maudlin songs over +their liquor. Even the sober decorum of private families, which I must +say is rigidly kept up at other times among my neighbors, is no proof +against this Saturnalia. There is no such thing as keeping maid-servants +within doors. Their brains are absolutely set madding with Punch and +the Puppet Show; the Flying Horses; Signior Polito; the Fire-Eater; the +celebrated Mr. Paap; and the Irish Giant. The children, too, lavish all +their holiday money in toys and gilt gingerbread, and fill the house +with the Lilliputian din of drums, trumpets, and penny whistles. + +But the Lord mayor’s Day is the great anniversary. The Lord Mayor +is looked up to by the inhabitants of Little Britain as the greatest +potentate upon earth; his gilt coach with six horses as the summit of +human splendor; and his procession, with all the Sheriffs and Aldermen +in his train, as the grandest of earthly pageants. How they exult in +the idea that the King himself dare not enter the city without first +knocking at the gate of Temple Bar, and asking permission of the Lord +Mayor: for if he did, heaven and earth! there is no knowing what might +be the consequence. The man in armor, who rides before the Lord mayor, +and is the city champion, has orders to cut down everybody that offends +against the dignity of the city; and then there is the little man with a +velvet porringer on his head, who sits at the window of the state-coach, +and holds the city sword, as long as a pike-staff--Odd’s blood! If he +once draws that sword, Majesty itself is not safe! + +Under the protection of this mighty potentate, therefore, the good +people of Little Britain sleep in peace. Temple Bar is an effectual +barrier against all interior foes; and as to foreign invasion, the Lord +Mayor has but to throw himself into the Tower, call in the trainbands, +and put the standing army of Beef-eaters under arms, and he may bid +defiance to the world! + +Thus wrapped up in its own concerns, its own habits, and its own +opinions, Little Britain has long flourished as a sound heart to this +great fungous metropolis. I have pleased myself with considering it as +a chosen spot, where the principles of sturdy John Bullism were garnered +up, like seed corn, to renew the national character, when it had run +to waste and degeneracy. I have rejoiced also in the general spirit of +harmony that prevailed throughout it; for though there might now +and then be a few clashes of opinion between the adherents of the +cheesemonger and the apothecary, and an occasional feud between the +burial societies, yet these were but transient clouds, and soon passed +away. The neighbors met with good-will, parted with a shake of the hand, +and never abused each other except behind their backs. + +I could give rare descriptions of snug junketing parties at which I +have been present; where we played at All-fours, Pope-Joan, +Tome-come-tickle-me, and other choice old games; and where we sometimes +had a good old English country dance to the tune of Sir Roger de +Coverley. Once a year, also, the neighbors would gather together, and +go on a gypsy party to Epping Forest. It would have done any man’s heart +good to see the merriment that took place here as we banqueted on +the grass under the trees. How we made the woods ring with bursts of +laughter at the songs of little Wagstaff and the merry undertaker! +After dinner, too, the young folks would play at blind-man’s-buff and +hide-and-seek; and it was amusing to see them tangled among the briers, +and to hear a fine romping girl now and then squeak from among the +bushes. The elder folks would gather round the cheesemonger and the +apothecary to hear them talk politics; for they generally brought out a +newspaper in their pockets, to pass away time in the country. They +would now and then, to be sure, get a little warm in argument; but +their disputes were always adjusted by reference to a worthy old +umbrella-maker, in a double chin, who, never exactly comprehending the +subject, managed somehow or other to decide in favor of both parties. + +All empires, however, says some philosopher or historian, are doomed to +changes and revolutions. Luxury and innovation creep in; factions arise; +and families now and then spring up, whose ambition and intrigues +throw the whole system into confusion. Thus in latter days has the +tranquillity of Little Britain been grievously disturbed, and its golden +simplicity of manners threatened with total subversion by the aspiring +family of a retired butcher. + +The family of the Lambs had long been among the most thriving and +popular in the neighborhood; the Miss Lambs were the belles of Little +Britain, and everybody was pleased when Old Lamb had made money enough +to shut up shop, and put his name on a brass plate on his door. In an +evil hour, however, one of the Miss Lambs had the honor of being a lady +in attendance on the Lady Mayoress, at her grand annual ball, on which +occasion she wore three towering ostrich feathers on her head. The +family never got over it; they were immediately smitten with a passion +for high life; set up a one-horse carriage, put a bit of gold lace round +the errand boy’s hat, and have been the talk and detestation of the +whole neighborhood ever since. They could no longer be induced to +play at Pope-Joan or blindman’s-buff; they could endure no dances but +quadrilles, which nobody had ever heard of in Little Britain; and they +took to reading novels, talking bad French, and playing upon the piano. +Their brother, too, who had been articled to an attorney, set up for a +dandy and a critic, characters hitherto unknown in these parts; and +he confounded the worthy folks exceedingly by talking about Kean, the +opera, and the “Edinburgh Review.” + +What was still worse, the Lambs gave a grand ball, to which they +neglected to invite any of their old neighbors; but they had a great +deal of genteel company from Theobald’s Road, Red-Lion Square, and other +parts towards the west. There were several beaux of their brother’s +acquaintance from Gray’s Inn Lane and Hatton Garden; and not less +than three Aldermen’s ladies with their daughters. This was not to be +forgotten or forgiven. All Little Britain was in an uproar with the +smacking of whips, the lashing of miserable horses, and the rattling and +the jingling of hackney coaches. The gossips of the neighborhood might +be seen popping their nightcaps out at every window, watching the crazy +vehicles rumble by; and there was a knot of virulent old cronies, that +kept a lookout from a house just opposite the retired butcher’s, and +scanned and criticised every one that knocked at the door. + +This dance was a cause of almost open war, and the whole neighborhood +declared they would have nothing more to say to the Lambs. It is +true that Mrs. Lamb, when she had no engagements with her quality +acquaintance, would give little humdrum tea-junketings to some of her +old cronies, “quite,” as she would say, “in a friendly way;” and it is +equally true that her invitations were always accepted, in spite of all +previous vows to the contrary. Nay, the good ladies would sit and be +delighted with the music of the Miss Lambs, who would condescend to +strum an Irish melody for them on the piano; and they would listen +with wonderful interest to Mrs. Lamb’s anecdotes of Alderman Plunket’s +family, of Portsokenward, and the Miss Timberlakes, the rich heiresses +of Crutched-Friars; but then they relieved their consciences, and +averted the reproaches of their confederates, by canvassing at the next +gossiping convocation everything that had passed, and pulling the Lambs +and their rout all to pieces. + +The only one of the family that could not be made fashionable was the +retired butcher himself. Honest Lamb, in spite of the meekness of his +name, was a rough, hearty old fellow, with the voice of a lion, a head +of black hair like a shoe-brush, and a broad face mottled like his own +beef. It was in vain that the daughters always spoke of him as “the old +gentleman,” addressed him as “papa,” in tones of infinite softness, +and endeavored to coax him into a dressing-gown and slippers, and other +gentlemanly habits. Do what they might, there was no keeping down the +butcher. His sturdy nature would break through all their glozings. He +had a hearty vulgar good-humor that was irrepressible. His very jokes +made his sensitive daughters shudder; and he persisted in wearing his +blue cotton coat of a morning, dining at two o’clock, and having a “bit +of sausage with his tea.” + +He was doomed, however, to share the unpopularity of his family. He +found his old comrades gradually growing cold and civil to him; no +longer laughing at his jokes; and now and then throwing out a fling at +“some people,” and a hint about “quality binding.” This both nettled +and perplexed the honest butcher; and his wife and daughters, with +the consummate policy of the shrewder sex, taking advantage of the +circumstance, at length prevailed upon him to give up his afternoon’s +pipe and tankard at Wagstaff’s; to sit after dinner by himself, and +take his pint of port--a liquor he detested--and to nod in his chair in +solitary and dismal gentility. + +The Miss Lambs might now be seen flaunting along the streets in French +bonnets, with unknown beaux; and talking and laughing so loud that it +distressed the nerves of every good lady within hearing. They even +went so far as to attempt patronage, and actually induced a French +dancing-master to set up in the neighborhood; but the worthy folks of +Little Britain took fire at it, and did so persecute the poor Gaul that +he was fain to pack up fiddle and dancing-pumps, and decamp with such +precipitation that he absolutely forgot to pay for his lodgings. + +I had flattered myself, at first, with the idea that all this fiery +indignation on the part of the community was merely the overflowing of +their zeal for good old English manners, and their horror of innovation; +and I applauded the silent contempt they were so vociferous in +expressing, for upstart pride, French fashions, and the Miss Lambs. But +I grieve to say that I soon perceived the infection had taken hold; +and that my neighbors, after condemning, were beginning to follow their +example. I overheard my landlady importuning her husband to let their +daughters have one quarter at French and music, and that they might take +a few lessons in quadrille. I even saw, in the course of a few Sundays, +no less than five French bonnets, precisely like those of the Miss +Lambs, parading about Little Britain. + +I still had my hopes that all this folly would gradually die away; that +the Lambs might move out of the neighborhood; might die, or might run +away with attorneys’ apprentices; and that quiet and simplicity might be +again restored to the community. But unluckily a rival power arose. An +opulent oilman died, and left a widow with a large jointure and a family +of buxom daughters. The young ladies had long been repining in secret +at the parsimony of a prudent father, which kept down all their elegant +aspirings. Their ambition, being now no longer restrained, broke out +into a blaze, and they openly took the field against the family of the +butcher. It is true that the Lambs, having had the first start, had +naturally an advantage of them in the fashionable career. They could +speak a little bad French, play the piano, dance quadrilles, and had +formed high acquaintances; but the Trotters were not to be distanced. +When the Lambs appeared with two feathers in their hats, the Miss +Trotters mounted four, and of twice as fine colors. If the Lambs gave +a dance, the Trotters were sure not to be behindhand: and though they +might not boast of as good company, yet they had double the number, and +were twice as merry. + +The whole community has at length divided itself into fashionable +factions, under the banners of these two families. The old games of +Pope-Joan and Tom-come-tickle-me are entirely discarded; there is no +such thing as getting up an honest country dance; and on my attempting +to kiss a young lady under the mistletoe last Christmas, I was +indignantly repulsed; the Miss Lambs having pronounced it “shocking +vulgar.” Bitter rivalry has also broken out as to the most fashionable +part of Little Britain; the Lambs standing up for the dignity of +the Cross-Keys Square, and the Trotters for the vicinity of St. +Bartholomew’s. + +Thus is this little territory torn by factions and internal dissensions, +like the great empire who name it bears; and what will be the result +would puzzle the apothecary himself, with all his talent at prognostics, +to determine; though I apprehend that it will terminate in the total +downfall of genuine John Bullism. + +The immediate effects are extremely unpleasant to me. Being a single +man, and, as I observed before, rather an idle good-for-nothing +personage, I have been considered the only gentleman by profession in +the place. I stand therefore in high favor with both parties, and have +to hear all their cabinet councils and mutual backbitings. As I am too +civil not to agree with the ladies on all occasions, I have committed +myself most horribly with both parties, by abusing their opponents. +I might manage to reconcile this to my conscience, which is a truly +accommodating one, but I cannot to my apprehension--if the Lambs and +Trotters ever come to a reconciliation, and compare notes, I am ruined! + +I have determined, therefore, to beat a retreat in time, and am actually +looking out for some other nest in this great city, where old English +manners are still kept up; where French is neither eaten, drunk, danced, +nor spoken; and where there are no fashionable families of retired +tradesmen. This found, I will, like a veteran rat, hasten away before I +have an old house about my ears; bid a long, though a sorrowful, adieu +to my present abode, and leave the rival factions of the Lambs and the +Trotters to divide the distracted empire of LITTLE BRITAIN. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Britain, by Washington Irving + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + +***** This file should be named 877-0.txt or 877-0.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/7/877/ + +Produced by Anthony J. Adam and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Little Britain + +Author: Washington Irving + +Release Date: July 9, 2009 [EBook #877] +Last Updated: September 14, 2016 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + + + + +Produced by Anthony J. Adam and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + LITTLE BRITAIN + </h1> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + By Washington Irving + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + What I write is most true... I have a whole booke of cases + lying by me which if I should sette foorth, some grave + auntients (within the hearing of Bow bell) would be out of + charity with me.—NASHE. + </pre> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + In the centre of the great city of London lies a small neighborhood, + consisting of a cluster of narrow streets and courts, of very venerable + and debilitated houses, which goes by the name of LITTLE BRITAIN. Christ + Church School and St. Bartholomew’s Hospital bound it on the west; + Smithfield and Long Lane on the north; Aldersgate Street, like an arm of + the sea, divides it from the eastern part of the city; whilst the yawning + gulf of Bull-and-Mouth Street separates it from Butcher Lane, and the + regions of Newgate. Over this little territory, thus bounded and + designated, the great dome of St. Paul’s, swelling above the intervening + houses of Paternoster Row, Amen Corner, and Ave Maria Lane, looks down + with an air of motherly protection. + </p> + <p> + This quarter derives its appellation from having been, in ancient times, + the residence of the Dukes of Brittany. As London increased, however, rank + and fashion rolled off to the west, and trade, creeping on at their heels, + took possession of their deserted abodes. For some time Little Britain + became the great mart of learning, and was peopled by the busy and + prolific race of booksellers; these also gradually deserted it, and, + emigrating beyond the great strait of Newgate Street, settled down in + Paternoster Row and St. Paul’s Churchyard, where they continue to increase + and multiply even at the present day. + </p> + <p> + But though thus falling into decline, Little Britain still bears traces of + its former splendor. There are several houses ready to tumble down, the + fronts of which are magnificently enriched with old oaken carvings of + hideous faces, unknown birds, beasts, and fishes; and fruits and flowers + which it would perplex a naturalist to classify. There are also, in + Aldersgate Street, certain remains of what were once spacious and lordly + family mansions, but which have in latter days been subdivided into + several tenements. Here may often be found the family of a petty + tradesman, with its trumpery furniture, burrowing among the relics of + antiquated finery, in great, rambling, time-stained apartments, with + fretted ceilings, gilded cornices, and enormous marble fireplaces. The + lanes and courts also contain many smaller houses, not on so grand a + scale, but, like your small ancient gentry, sturdily maintaining their + claims to equal antiquity. These have their gable ends to the street; + great bow-windows, with diamond panes set in lead, grotesque carvings, and + low arched door-ways. + </p> + <p> + In this most venerable and sheltered little nest have I passed several + quiet years of existence, comfortably lodged in the second floor of one of + the smallest but oldest edifices. My sitting-room is an old wainscoted + chamber, with small panels, and set off with a miscellaneous array of + furniture. I have a particular respect for three or four high-backed + claw-footed chairs, covered with tarnished brocade, which bear the marks + of having seen better days, and have doubtless figured in some of the old + palaces of Little Britain. They seem to me to keep together, and to look + down with sovereign contempt upon their leathern-bottomed neighbors: as I + have seen decayed gentry carry a high head among the plebeian society with + which they were reduced to associate. The whole front of my sitting-room + is taken up with a bow-window, on the panes of which are recorded the + names of previous occupants for many generations, mingled with scraps of + very indifferent gentlemanlike poetry, written in characters which I can + scarcely decipher, and which extol the charms of many a beauty of Little + Britain who has long, long since bloomed, faded, and passed away. As I am + an idle personage, with no apparent occupation, and pay my bill regularly + every week, I am looked upon as the only independent gentleman of the + neighborhood; and, being curious to learn the internal state of a + community so apparently shut up within itself, I have managed to work my + way into all the concerns and secrets of the place. + </p> + <p> + Little Britain may truly be called the heart’s core of the city; the + stronghold of true John Bullism. It is a fragment of London as it was in + its better days, with its antiquated folks and fashions. Here flourish in + great preservation many of the holiday games and customs of yore. The + inhabitants most religiously eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, + hot-cross-buns on Good Friday, and roast goose at Michaelmas; they send + love-letters on Valentine’s Day, burn the pope on the fifth of November, + and kiss all the girls under the mistletoe at Christmas. Roast beef and + plum pudding are also held in superstitious veneration, and port and + sherry maintain their grounds as the only true English wines; all others + being considered vile, outlandish beverages. + </p> + <p> + Little Britain has its long catalogue of city wonders, which its + inhabitants consider the wonders of the world: such as the great bell of + St. Paul’s, which sours all the beer when it tolls; the figures that + strike the hours at St. Dunstan’s clock; the Monument; the lions in the + Tower; and the wooden giants in Guildhall. They still believe in dreams + and fortune-telling, and an old woman that lives in Bull-and-Mouth Street + makes a tolerable subsistence by detecting stolen goods, and promising the + girls good husbands. They are apt to be rendered uncomfortable by comets + and eclipses; and if a dog howls dolefully at night, it is looked upon as + a sure sign of a death in the place. There are even many ghost stories + current, particularly concerning the old mansion-houses; in several of + which it is said strange sights are sometimes seen. Lords and ladies, the + former in full bottomed wigs, hanging sleeves, and swords, the latter in + lappets, stays, hoops and brocade, have been seen walking up and down the + great waste chambers, on moonlight nights; and are supposed to be the + shades of the ancient proprietors in their court-dresses. + </p> + <p> + Little Britain has likewise its sages and great men. One of the most + important of the former is a tall, dry old gentleman, of the name of + Skryme, who keeps a small apothecary’s shop. He has a cadaverous + countenance, full of cavities and projections; with a brown circle round + each eye, like a pair of horned spectacles. He is much thought of by the + old women, who consider him a kind of conjurer, because he has two of + three stuffed alligators hanging up in his shop, and several snakes in + bottles. He is a great reader of almanacs and newspapers, and is much + given to pore over alarming accounts of plots, conspiracies, fires, + earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions; which last phenomena he considers as + signs of the times. He has always some dismal tale of the kind to deal out + to his customers, with their doses; and thus at the same time puts both + soul and body into an uproar. He is a great believer in omens and + predictions; and has the prophecies of Robert Nixon and Mother Shipton by + heart. No man can make so much out of an eclipse, or even an unusually + dark day; and he shook the tail of the last comet over the heads of his + customers and disciples until they were nearly frightened out of their + wits. He has lately got hold of a popular legend or prophecy, on which he + has been unusually eloquent. There has been a saying current among the + ancient sibyls, who treasure up these things, that when the grasshopper on + the top of the Exchange shook hands with the dragon on the top of Bow + Church Steeple, fearful events would take place. This strange conjunction, + it seems, has as strangely come to pass. The same architect has been + engaged lately on the repairs of the cupola of the Exchange, and the + steeple of Bow church; and, fearful to relate, the dragon and the + grasshopper actually lie, cheek by jole, in the yard of his workshop. + </p> + <p> + “Others,” as Mr. Skryme is accustomed to say, “may go star-gazing, and + look for conjunctions in the heavens, but here is a conjunction on the + earth, near at home, and under our own eyes, which surpasses all the signs + and calculations of astrologers.” Since these portentous weathercocks have + thus laid their heads together, wonderful events had already occurred. The + good old king, notwithstanding that he had lived eighty-two years, had all + at once given up the ghost; another king had mounted the throne; a royal + duke had died suddenly,—another, in France, had been murdered; there + had been radical meetings in all parts of the kingdom; the bloody scenes + at Manchester; the great plot of Cato Street; and above all, the queen had + returned to England! All these sinister events are recounted by Mr. + Skryme, with a mysterious look, and a dismal shake of the head; and being + taken with his drugs, and associated in the minds of his auditors with + stuffed sea-monsters, bottled serpents, and his own visage, which is a + title-page of tribulation, they have spread great gloom through the minds + of the people of Little Britain. They shake their heads whenever they go + by Bow Church, and observe, that they never expected any good to come of + taking down that steeple, which in old times told nothing but glad + tidings, as the history of Whittington and his Cat bears witness. + </p> + <p> + The rival oracle of Little Britain is a substantial cheesemonger, who + lives in a fragment of one of the old family mansions, and is as + magnificently lodged as a round-bellied mite in the midst of one of his + own Cheshires. Indeed, he is a man of no little standing and importance; + and his renown extends through Huggin Lane, and Lad Lane, and even unto + Aldermanbury. His opinion is very much taken in affairs of state, having + read the Sunday papers for the last half century, together with the + “Gentleman’s Magazine,” Rapin’s “History of England,” and the “Naval + Chronicle.” His head is stored with invaluable maxims which have borne the + test of time and use for centuries. It is his firm opinion that “it is a + moral impossible,” so long as England is true to herself, that anything + can shake her; and he has much to say on the subject of the national debt, + which, somehow or other, he proves to be a great national bulwark and + blessing. He passed the greater part of his life in the purlieus of Little + Britain, until of late years, when, having become rich, and grown into the + dignity of a Sunday cane, he begins to take his pleasure and see the + world. He has therefore made several excursions to Hampstead, Highgate, + and other neighboring towns, where he has passed whole afternoons in + looking back upon the metropolis through a telescope, and endeavoring to + descry the steeple of St. Bartholomew’s. Not a stage-coachman of + Bull-and-Mouth Street but touches his hat as he passes; and he is + considered quite a patron at the coach-office of the Goose and Gridiron, + St. Paul’s churchyard. His family have been very urgent for him to make an + expedition to Margate, but he has great doubts of those new gimcracks, the + steamboats, and indeed thinks himself too advanced in life to undertake + sea-voyages. + </p> + <p> + Little Britain has occasionally its factions and divisions, and party + spirit ran very high at one time in consequence of two rival “Burial + Societies” being set up in the place. One held its meeting at the Swan and + Horse Shoe, and was patronized by the cheesemonger; the other at the Cock + and Crown, under the auspices of the apothecary; it is needless to say + that the latter was the most flourishing. I have passed an evening or two + at each, and have acquired much valuable information, as to the best mode + of being buried, the comparative merits of churchyards, together with + divers hints on the subject of patent-iron coffins. I have heard the + question discussed in all its bearings as to the legality of prohibiting + the latter on account of their durability. The feuds occasioned by these + societies have happily died of late; but they were for a long time + prevailing themes of controversy, the people of Little Britain being + extremely solicitous of funereal honors and of lying comfortably in their + graves. + </p> + <p> + Besides these two funeral societies there is a third of quite a different + cast, which tends to throw the sunshine of good-humor over the whole + neighborhood. It meets once a week at a little old-fashioned house, kept + by a jolly publican of the name of Wagstaff, and bearing for insignia a + resplendent half-moon, with a most seductive bunch of grapes. The old + edifice is covered with inscriptions to catch the eye of the thirsty + wayfarer, such as “Truman, Hanbury, and Co.‘s Entire,” “Wine, Rum, and + Brandy Vaults,” “Old Tom, Rum and Compounds, etc.” This indeed has been a + temple of Bacchus and Momus from time immemorial. It ha always been in the + family of the Wagstaffs, so that its history is tolerably preserved by the + present landlord. It was much frequented by the gallants and cavalieros of + the reign of Elizabeth, and was looked into now and then by the wits of + Charles the Second’s day. But what Wagstaff principally prides himself + upon is, that Henry the Eighth, in one of his nocturnal rambles, broke the + head of one of his ancestors with his famous walking-staff. This, however, + is considered as a rather dubious and vainglorious boast of the landlord. + </p> + <p> + The club which now holds its weekly sessions here goes by the name of “The + Roaring Lads of Little Britain.” They abound in old catches, glees, and + choice stories, that are traditional in the place, and not to be met with + in any other part of the metropolis. There is a madcap undertaker who is + inimitable at a merry song; but the life of the club, and indeed the prime + wit of Little Britain, is bully Wagstaff himself. His ancestors were all + wags before him, and he has inherited with the inn a large stock of songs + and jokes, which go with it from generation to generation as heirlooms. He + is a dapper little fellow, with bandy legs and pot belly, a red face, with + a moist, merry eye, and a little shock of gray hair behind. At the opening + of every club night he is called in to sing his “Confession of Faith,” + which is the famous old drinking trowl from “Gammer Gurton’s Needle.” He + sings it, to be sure, with many variations, as he received it from his + father’s lips; for it has been a standing favorite at the Half-Moon and + Bunch of Grapes ever since it was written; nay, he affirms that his + predecessors have often had the honor of singing it before the nobility + and gentry at Christmas mummeries, when Little Britain was in all its + glory. + </p> + <p> + It would do one’s heart good to hear, on a club night, the shouts of + merriment, the snatches of song, and now and then the choral bursts of + half a dozen discordant voices, which issue from this jovial mansion. At + such times the street is lined with listeners, who enjoy a delight equal + to that of gazing into a confectioner’s window, or snuffing up the steams + of a cookshop. + </p> + <p> + There are two annual events which produce great stir and sensation in + Little Britain; these are St. Bartholomew’s Fair, and the Lord Mayor’s + Day. During the time of the fair, which is held in the adjoining regions + of Smithfield, there is nothing going on but gossiping and gadding about. + The late quiet streets of Little Britain are overrun with an irruption of + strange figures and faces; every tavern is a scene of rout and revel. The + fiddle and the song are heard from the tap-room, morning, noon, and night; + and at each window may be seen some group of boon companions, with + half-shut eyes, hats on one side, pipe in mouth, and tankard in hand, + fondling, and prosing, and singing maudlin songs over their liquor. Even + the sober decorum of private families, which I must say is rigidly kept up + at other times among my neighbors, is no proof against this Saturnalia. + There is no such thing as keeping maid-servants within doors. Their brains + are absolutely set madding with Punch and the Puppet Show; the Flying + Horses; Signior Polito; the Fire-Eater; the celebrated Mr. Paap; and the + Irish Giant. The children, too, lavish all their holiday money in toys and + gilt gingerbread, and fill the house with the Lilliputian din of drums, + trumpets, and penny whistles. + </p> + <p> + But the Lord mayor’s Day is the great anniversary. The Lord Mayor is + looked up to by the inhabitants of Little Britain as the greatest + potentate upon earth; his gilt coach with six horses as the summit of + human splendor; and his procession, with all the Sheriffs and Aldermen in + his train, as the grandest of earthly pageants. How they exult in the idea + that the King himself dare not enter the city without first knocking at + the gate of Temple Bar, and asking permission of the Lord Mayor: for if he + did, heaven and earth! there is no knowing what might be the consequence. + The man in armor, who rides before the Lord mayor, and is the city + champion, has orders to cut down everybody that offends against the + dignity of the city; and then there is the little man with a velvet + porringer on his head, who sits at the window of the state-coach, and + holds the city sword, as long as a pike-staff—Odd’s blood! If he + once draws that sword, Majesty itself is not safe! + </p> + <p> + Under the protection of this mighty potentate, therefore, the good people + of Little Britain sleep in peace. Temple Bar is an effectual barrier + against all interior foes; and as to foreign invasion, the Lord Mayor has + but to throw himself into the Tower, call in the trainbands, and put the + standing army of Beef-eaters under arms, and he may bid defiance to the + world! + </p> + <p> + Thus wrapped up in its own concerns, its own habits, and its own opinions, + Little Britain has long flourished as a sound heart to this great fungous + metropolis. I have pleased myself with considering it as a chosen spot, + where the principles of sturdy John Bullism were garnered up, like seed + corn, to renew the national character, when it had run to waste and + degeneracy. I have rejoiced also in the general spirit of harmony that + prevailed throughout it; for though there might now and then be a few + clashes of opinion between the adherents of the cheesemonger and the + apothecary, and an occasional feud between the burial societies, yet these + were but transient clouds, and soon passed away. The neighbors met with + good-will, parted with a shake of the hand, and never abused each other + except behind their backs. + </p> + <p> + I could give rare descriptions of snug junketing parties at which I have + been present; where we played at All-fours, Pope-Joan, + Tome-come-tickle-me, and other choice old games; and where we sometimes + had a good old English country dance to the tune of Sir Roger de Coverley. + Once a year, also, the neighbors would gather together, and go on a gypsy + party to Epping Forest. It would have done any man’s heart good to see the + merriment that took place here as we banqueted on the grass under the + trees. How we made the woods ring with bursts of laughter at the songs of + little Wagstaff and the merry undertaker! After dinner, too, the young + folks would play at blind-man’s-buff and hide-and-seek; and it was amusing + to see them tangled among the briers, and to hear a fine romping girl now + and then squeak from among the bushes. The elder folks would gather round + the cheesemonger and the apothecary to hear them talk politics; for they + generally brought out a newspaper in their pockets, to pass away time in + the country. They would now and then, to be sure, get a little warm in + argument; but their disputes were always adjusted by reference to a worthy + old umbrella-maker, in a double chin, who, never exactly comprehending the + subject, managed somehow or other to decide in favor of both parties. + </p> + <p> + All empires, however, says some philosopher or historian, are doomed to + changes and revolutions. Luxury and innovation creep in; factions arise; + and families now and then spring up, whose ambition and intrigues throw + the whole system into confusion. Thus in latter days has the tranquillity + of Little Britain been grievously disturbed, and its golden simplicity of + manners threatened with total subversion by the aspiring family of a + retired butcher. + </p> + <p> + The family of the Lambs had long been among the most thriving and popular + in the neighborhood; the Miss Lambs were the belles of Little Britain, and + everybody was pleased when Old Lamb had made money enough to shut up shop, + and put his name on a brass plate on his door. In an evil hour, however, + one of the Miss Lambs had the honor of being a lady in attendance on the + Lady Mayoress, at her grand annual ball, on which occasion she wore three + towering ostrich feathers on her head. The family never got over it; they + were immediately smitten with a passion for high life; set up a one-horse + carriage, put a bit of gold lace round the errand boy’s hat, and have been + the talk and detestation of the whole neighborhood ever since. They could + no longer be induced to play at Pope-Joan or blindman’s-buff; they could + endure no dances but quadrilles, which nobody had ever heard of in Little + Britain; and they took to reading novels, talking bad French, and playing + upon the piano. Their brother, too, who had been articled to an attorney, + set up for a dandy and a critic, characters hitherto unknown in these + parts; and he confounded the worthy folks exceedingly by talking about + Kean, the opera, and the “Edinburgh Review.” + </p> + <p> + What was still worse, the Lambs gave a grand ball, to which they neglected + to invite any of their old neighbors; but they had a great deal of genteel + company from Theobald’s Road, Red-Lion Square, and other parts towards the + west. There were several beaux of their brother’s acquaintance from Gray’s + Inn Lane and Hatton Garden; and not less than three Aldermen’s ladies with + their daughters. This was not to be forgotten or forgiven. All Little + Britain was in an uproar with the smacking of whips, the lashing of + miserable horses, and the rattling and the jingling of hackney coaches. + The gossips of the neighborhood might be seen popping their nightcaps out + at every window, watching the crazy vehicles rumble by; and there was a + knot of virulent old cronies, that kept a lookout from a house just + opposite the retired butcher’s, and scanned and criticised every one that + knocked at the door. + </p> + <p> + This dance was a cause of almost open war, and the whole neighborhood + declared they would have nothing more to say to the Lambs. It is true that + Mrs. Lamb, when she had no engagements with her quality acquaintance, + would give little humdrum tea-junketings to some of her old cronies, + “quite,” as she would say, “in a friendly way;” and it is equally true + that her invitations were always accepted, in spite of all previous vows + to the contrary. Nay, the good ladies would sit and be delighted with the + music of the Miss Lambs, who would condescend to strum an Irish melody for + them on the piano; and they would listen with wonderful interest to Mrs. + Lamb’s anecdotes of Alderman Plunket’s family, of Portsokenward, and the + Miss Timberlakes, the rich heiresses of Crutched-Friars; but then they + relieved their consciences, and averted the reproaches of their + confederates, by canvassing at the next gossiping convocation everything + that had passed, and pulling the Lambs and their rout all to pieces. + </p> + <p> + The only one of the family that could not be made fashionable was the + retired butcher himself. Honest Lamb, in spite of the meekness of his + name, was a rough, hearty old fellow, with the voice of a lion, a head of + black hair like a shoe-brush, and a broad face mottled like his own beef. + It was in vain that the daughters always spoke of him as “the old + gentleman,” addressed him as “papa,” in tones of infinite softness, and + endeavored to coax him into a dressing-gown and slippers, and other + gentlemanly habits. Do what they might, there was no keeping down the + butcher. His sturdy nature would break through all their glozings. He had + a hearty vulgar good-humor that was irrepressible. His very jokes made his + sensitive daughters shudder; and he persisted in wearing his blue cotton + coat of a morning, dining at two o’clock, and having a “bit of sausage + with his tea.” + </p> + <p> + He was doomed, however, to share the unpopularity of his family. He found + his old comrades gradually growing cold and civil to him; no longer + laughing at his jokes; and now and then throwing out a fling at “some + people,” and a hint about “quality binding.” This both nettled and + perplexed the honest butcher; and his wife and daughters, with the + consummate policy of the shrewder sex, taking advantage of the + circumstance, at length prevailed upon him to give up his afternoon’s pipe + and tankard at Wagstaff’s; to sit after dinner by himself, and take his + pint of port—a liquor he detested—and to nod in his chair in + solitary and dismal gentility. + </p> + <p> + The Miss Lambs might now be seen flaunting along the streets in French + bonnets, with unknown beaux; and talking and laughing so loud that it + distressed the nerves of every good lady within hearing. They even went so + far as to attempt patronage, and actually induced a French dancing-master + to set up in the neighborhood; but the worthy folks of Little Britain took + fire at it, and did so persecute the poor Gaul that he was fain to pack up + fiddle and dancing-pumps, and decamp with such precipitation that he + absolutely forgot to pay for his lodgings. + </p> + <p> + I had flattered myself, at first, with the idea that all this fiery + indignation on the part of the community was merely the overflowing of + their zeal for good old English manners, and their horror of innovation; + and I applauded the silent contempt they were so vociferous in expressing, + for upstart pride, French fashions, and the Miss Lambs. But I grieve to + say that I soon perceived the infection had taken hold; and that my + neighbors, after condemning, were beginning to follow their example. I + overheard my landlady importuning her husband to let their daughters have + one quarter at French and music, and that they might take a few lessons in + quadrille. I even saw, in the course of a few Sundays, no less than five + French bonnets, precisely like those of the Miss Lambs, parading about + Little Britain. + </p> + <p> + I still had my hopes that all this folly would gradually die away; that + the Lambs might move out of the neighborhood; might die, or might run away + with attorneys’ apprentices; and that quiet and simplicity might be again + restored to the community. But unluckily a rival power arose. An opulent + oilman died, and left a widow with a large jointure and a family of buxom + daughters. The young ladies had long been repining in secret at the + parsimony of a prudent father, which kept down all their elegant + aspirings. Their ambition, being now no longer restrained, broke out into + a blaze, and they openly took the field against the family of the butcher. + It is true that the Lambs, having had the first start, had naturally an + advantage of them in the fashionable career. They could speak a little bad + French, play the piano, dance quadrilles, and had formed high + acquaintances; but the Trotters were not to be distanced. When the Lambs + appeared with two feathers in their hats, the Miss Trotters mounted four, + and of twice as fine colors. If the Lambs gave a dance, the Trotters were + sure not to be behindhand: and though they might not boast of as good + company, yet they had double the number, and were twice as merry. + </p> + <p> + The whole community has at length divided itself into fashionable + factions, under the banners of these two families. The old games of + Pope-Joan and Tom-come-tickle-me are entirely discarded; there is no such + thing as getting up an honest country dance; and on my attempting to kiss + a young lady under the mistletoe last Christmas, I was indignantly + repulsed; the Miss Lambs having pronounced it “shocking vulgar.” Bitter + rivalry has also broken out as to the most fashionable part of Little + Britain; the Lambs standing up for the dignity of the Cross-Keys Square, + and the Trotters for the vicinity of St. Bartholomew’s. + </p> + <p> + Thus is this little territory torn by factions and internal dissensions, + like the great empire who name it bears; and what will be the result would + puzzle the apothecary himself, with all his talent at prognostics, to + determine; though I apprehend that it will terminate in the total downfall + of genuine John Bullism. + </p> + <p> + The immediate effects are extremely unpleasant to me. Being a single man, + and, as I observed before, rather an idle good-for-nothing personage, I + have been considered the only gentleman by profession in the place. I + stand therefore in high favor with both parties, and have to hear all + their cabinet councils and mutual backbitings. As I am too civil not to + agree with the ladies on all occasions, I have committed myself most + horribly with both parties, by abusing their opponents. I might manage to + reconcile this to my conscience, which is a truly accommodating one, but I + cannot to my apprehension—if the Lambs and Trotters ever come to a + reconciliation, and compare notes, I am ruined! + </p> + <p> + I have determined, therefore, to beat a retreat in time, and am actually + looking out for some other nest in this great city, where old English + manners are still kept up; where French is neither eaten, drunk, danced, + nor spoken; and where there are no fashionable families of retired + tradesmen. This found, I will, like a veteran rat, hasten away before I + have an old house about my ears; bid a long, though a sorrowful, adieu to + my present abode, and leave the rival factions of the Lambs and the + Trotters to divide the distracted empire of LITTLE BRITAIN. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Britain, by Washington Irving + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + +***** This file should be named 877-h.htm or 877-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/7/877/ + +Produced by Anthony J. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Little Britain + +Author: Washington Irving + +Release Date: April, 1997 [Etext #877] +Posting Date: July 9, 2009 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + + + + +Produced by Anthony J. Adam and David Widger + + + + + + + + + +LITTLE BRITAIN + +By Washington Irving + + + What I write is most true... I have a whole booke of cases + lying by me which if I should sette foorth, some grave + auntients (within the hearing of Bow bell) would be out of + charity with me.--NASHE. + + +In the centre of the great city of London lies a small neighborhood, +consisting of a cluster of narrow streets and courts, of very venerable +and debilitated houses, which goes by the name of LITTLE BRITAIN. Christ +Church School and St. Bartholomew's Hospital bound it on the west; +Smithfield and Long Lane on the north; Aldersgate Street, like an arm +of the sea, divides it from the eastern part of the city; whilst the +yawning gulf of Bull-and-Mouth Street separates it from Butcher Lane, +and the regions of Newgate. Over this little territory, thus bounded and +designated, the great dome of St. Paul's, swelling above the intervening +houses of Paternoster Row, Amen Corner, and Ave Maria Lane, looks down +with an air of motherly protection. + +This quarter derives its appellation from having been, in ancient times, +the residence of the Dukes of Brittany. As London increased, however, +rank and fashion rolled off to the west, and trade, creeping on at their +heels, took possession of their deserted abodes. For some time Little +Britain became the great mart of learning, and was peopled by the busy +and prolific race of booksellers; these also gradually deserted it, and, +emigrating beyond the great strait of Newgate Street, settled down +in Paternoster Row and St. Paul's Churchyard, where they continue to +increase and multiply even at the present day. + +But though thus falling into decline, Little Britain still bears traces +of its former splendor. There are several houses ready to tumble down, +the fronts of which are magnificently enriched with old oaken carvings +of hideous faces, unknown birds, beasts, and fishes; and fruits and +flowers which it would perplex a naturalist to classify. There are also, +in Aldersgate Street, certain remains of what were once spacious and +lordly family mansions, but which have in latter days been subdivided +into several tenements. Here may often be found the family of a petty +tradesman, with its trumpery furniture, burrowing among the relics of +antiquated finery, in great, rambling, time-stained apartments, with +fretted ceilings, gilded cornices, and enormous marble fireplaces. The +lanes and courts also contain many smaller houses, not on so grand a +scale, but, like your small ancient gentry, sturdily maintaining their +claims to equal antiquity. These have their gable ends to the street; +great bow-windows, with diamond panes set in lead, grotesque carvings, +and low arched door-ways. + +In this most venerable and sheltered little nest have I passed several +quiet years of existence, comfortably lodged in the second floor of +one of the smallest but oldest edifices. My sitting-room is an old +wainscoted chamber, with small panels, and set off with a miscellaneous +array of furniture. I have a particular respect for three or four +high-backed claw-footed chairs, covered with tarnished brocade, which +bear the marks of having seen better days, and have doubtless figured +in some of the old palaces of Little Britain. They seem to me to +keep together, and to look down with sovereign contempt upon their +leathern-bottomed neighbors: as I have seen decayed gentry carry a +high head among the plebeian society with which they were reduced +to associate. The whole front of my sitting-room is taken up with a +bow-window, on the panes of which are recorded the names of previous +occupants for many generations, mingled with scraps of very indifferent +gentlemanlike poetry, written in characters which I can scarcely +decipher, and which extol the charms of many a beauty of Little Britain +who has long, long since bloomed, faded, and passed away. As I am an +idle personage, with no apparent occupation, and pay my bill regularly +every week, I am looked upon as the only independent gentleman of +the neighborhood; and, being curious to learn the internal state of a +community so apparently shut up within itself, I have managed to work my +way into all the concerns and secrets of the place. + +Little Britain may truly be called the heart's core of the city; the +stronghold of true John Bullism. It is a fragment of London as it was in +its better days, with its antiquated folks and fashions. Here flourish +in great preservation many of the holiday games and customs of yore. +The inhabitants most religiously eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, +hot-cross-buns on Good Friday, and roast goose at Michaelmas; they send +love-letters on Valentine's Day, burn the pope on the fifth of November, +and kiss all the girls under the mistletoe at Christmas. Roast beef and +plum pudding are also held in superstitious veneration, and port and +sherry maintain their grounds as the only true English wines; all others +being considered vile, outlandish beverages. + +Little Britain has its long catalogue of city wonders, which its +inhabitants consider the wonders of the world: such as the great bell +of St. Paul's, which sours all the beer when it tolls; the figures that +strike the hours at St. Dunstan's clock; the Monument; the lions in the +Tower; and the wooden giants in Guildhall. They still believe in dreams +and fortune-telling, and an old woman that lives in Bull-and-Mouth +Street makes a tolerable subsistence by detecting stolen goods, +and promising the girls good husbands. They are apt to be rendered +uncomfortable by comets and eclipses; and if a dog howls dolefully at +night, it is looked upon as a sure sign of a death in the place. There +are even many ghost stories current, particularly concerning the old +mansion-houses; in several of which it is said strange sights are +sometimes seen. Lords and ladies, the former in full bottomed wigs, +hanging sleeves, and swords, the latter in lappets, stays, hoops and +brocade, have been seen walking up and down the great waste chambers, +on moonlight nights; and are supposed to be the shades of the ancient +proprietors in their court-dresses. + +Little Britain has likewise its sages and great men. One of the most +important of the former is a tall, dry old gentleman, of the name +of Skryme, who keeps a small apothecary's shop. He has a cadaverous +countenance, full of cavities and projections; with a brown circle round +each eye, like a pair of horned spectacles. He is much thought of by the +old women, who consider him a kind of conjurer, because he has two of +three stuffed alligators hanging up in his shop, and several snakes in +bottles. He is a great reader of almanacs and newspapers, and is much +given to pore over alarming accounts of plots, conspiracies, fires, +earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions; which last phenomena he considers +as signs of the times. He has always some dismal tale of the kind to +deal out to his customers, with their doses; and thus at the same time +puts both soul and body into an uproar. He is a great believer in omens +and predictions; and has the prophecies of Robert Nixon and Mother +Shipton by heart. No man can make so much out of an eclipse, or even +an unusually dark day; and he shook the tail of the last comet over the +heads of his customers and disciples until they were nearly frightened +out of their wits. He has lately got hold of a popular legend or +prophecy, on which he has been unusually eloquent. There has been a +saying current among the ancient sibyls, who treasure up these things, +that when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange shook hands with +the dragon on the top of Bow Church Steeple, fearful events would take +place. This strange conjunction, it seems, has as strangely come to +pass. The same architect has been engaged lately on the repairs of the +cupola of the Exchange, and the steeple of Bow church; and, fearful to +relate, the dragon and the grasshopper actually lie, cheek by jole, in +the yard of his workshop. + +"Others," as Mr. Skryme is accustomed to say, "may go star-gazing, and +look for conjunctions in the heavens, but here is a conjunction on the +earth, near at home, and under our own eyes, which surpasses all +the signs and calculations of astrologers." Since these portentous +weathercocks have thus laid their heads together, wonderful events had +already occurred. The good old king, notwithstanding that he had lived +eighty-two years, had all at once given up the ghost; another king had +mounted the throne; a royal duke had died suddenly,--another, in France, +had been murdered; there had been radical meetings in all parts of the +kingdom; the bloody scenes at Manchester; the great plot of Cato Street; +and above all, the queen had returned to England! All these sinister +events are recounted by Mr. Skryme, with a mysterious look, and a dismal +shake of the head; and being taken with his drugs, and associated in the +minds of his auditors with stuffed sea-monsters, bottled serpents, and +his own visage, which is a title-page of tribulation, they have spread +great gloom through the minds of the people of Little Britain. They +shake their heads whenever they go by Bow Church, and observe, that they +never expected any good to come of taking down that steeple, which in +old times told nothing but glad tidings, as the history of Whittington +and his Cat bears witness. + +The rival oracle of Little Britain is a substantial cheesemonger, +who lives in a fragment of one of the old family mansions, and is as +magnificently lodged as a round-bellied mite in the midst of one of his +own Cheshires. Indeed, he is a man of no little standing and importance; +and his renown extends through Huggin Lane, and Lad Lane, and even unto +Aldermanbury. His opinion is very much taken in affairs of state, having +read the Sunday papers for the last half century, together with the +"Gentleman's Magazine," Rapin's "History of England," and the "Naval +Chronicle." His head is stored with invaluable maxims which have borne +the test of time and use for centuries. It is his firm opinion that +"it is a moral impossible," so long as England is true to herself, that +anything can shake her; and he has much to say on the subject of the +national debt, which, somehow or other, he proves to be a great national +bulwark and blessing. He passed the greater part of his life in the +purlieus of Little Britain, until of late years, when, having become +rich, and grown into the dignity of a Sunday cane, he begins to take his +pleasure and see the world. He has therefore made several excursions to +Hampstead, Highgate, and other neighboring towns, where he has +passed whole afternoons in looking back upon the metropolis through a +telescope, and endeavoring to descry the steeple of St. Bartholomew's. +Not a stage-coachman of Bull-and-Mouth Street but touches his hat as he +passes; and he is considered quite a patron at the coach-office of the +Goose and Gridiron, St. Paul's churchyard. His family have been very +urgent for him to make an expedition to Margate, but he has great doubts +of those new gimcracks, the steamboats, and indeed thinks himself too +advanced in life to undertake sea-voyages. + +Little Britain has occasionally its factions and divisions, and party +spirit ran very high at one time in consequence of two rival "Burial +Societies" being set up in the place. One held its meeting at the Swan +and Horse Shoe, and was patronized by the cheesemonger; the other at the +Cock and Crown, under the auspices of the apothecary; it is needless to +say that the latter was the most flourishing. I have passed an evening +or two at each, and have acquired much valuable information, as to +the best mode of being buried, the comparative merits of churchyards, +together with divers hints on the subject of patent-iron coffins. I have +heard the question discussed in all its bearings as to the legality +of prohibiting the latter on account of their durability. The feuds +occasioned by these societies have happily died of late; but they were +for a long time prevailing themes of controversy, the people of Little +Britain being extremely solicitous of funereal honors and of lying +comfortably in their graves. + +Besides these two funeral societies there is a third of quite a +different cast, which tends to throw the sunshine of good-humor over +the whole neighborhood. It meets once a week at a little old-fashioned +house, kept by a jolly publican of the name of Wagstaff, and bearing for +insignia a resplendent half-moon, with a most seductive bunch of grapes. +The old edifice is covered with inscriptions to catch the eye of the +thirsty wayfarer, such as "Truman, Hanbury, and Co.'s Entire," "Wine, +Rum, and Brandy Vaults," "Old Tom, Rum and Compounds, etc." This indeed +has been a temple of Bacchus and Momus from time immemorial. It ha +always been in the family of the Wagstaffs, so that its history is +tolerably preserved by the present landlord. It was much frequented by +the gallants and cavalieros of the reign of Elizabeth, and was looked +into now and then by the wits of Charles the Second's day. But what +Wagstaff principally prides himself upon is, that Henry the Eighth, in +one of his nocturnal rambles, broke the head of one of his ancestors +with his famous walking-staff. This, however, is considered as a rather +dubious and vainglorious boast of the landlord. + +The club which now holds its weekly sessions here goes by the name of +"The Roaring Lads of Little Britain." They abound in old catches, glees, +and choice stories, that are traditional in the place, and not to be met +with in any other part of the metropolis. There is a madcap undertaker +who is inimitable at a merry song; but the life of the club, and +indeed the prime wit of Little Britain, is bully Wagstaff himself. His +ancestors were all wags before him, and he has inherited with the inn +a large stock of songs and jokes, which go with it from generation to +generation as heirlooms. He is a dapper little fellow, with bandy legs +and pot belly, a red face, with a moist, merry eye, and a little shock +of gray hair behind. At the opening of every club night he is called +in to sing his "Confession of Faith," which is the famous old drinking +trowl from "Gammer Gurton's Needle." He sings it, to be sure, with many +variations, as he received it from his father's lips; for it has been a +standing favorite at the Half-Moon and Bunch of Grapes ever since it was +written; nay, he affirms that his predecessors have often had the honor +of singing it before the nobility and gentry at Christmas mummeries, +when Little Britain was in all its glory. + +It would do one's heart good to hear, on a club night, the shouts of +merriment, the snatches of song, and now and then the choral bursts of +half a dozen discordant voices, which issue from this jovial mansion. At +such times the street is lined with listeners, who enjoy a delight +equal to that of gazing into a confectioner's window, or snuffing up the +steams of a cookshop. + +There are two annual events which produce great stir and sensation in +Little Britain; these are St. Bartholomew's Fair, and the Lord Mayor's +Day. During the time of the fair, which is held in the adjoining regions +of Smithfield, there is nothing going on but gossiping and gadding +about. The late quiet streets of Little Britain are overrun with an +irruption of strange figures and faces; every tavern is a scene of rout +and revel. The fiddle and the song are heard from the tap-room, morning, +noon, and night; and at each window may be seen some group of boon +companions, with half-shut eyes, hats on one side, pipe in mouth, and +tankard in hand, fondling, and prosing, and singing maudlin songs over +their liquor. Even the sober decorum of private families, which I must +say is rigidly kept up at other times among my neighbors, is no proof +against this Saturnalia. There is no such thing as keeping maid-servants +within doors. Their brains are absolutely set madding with Punch and +the Puppet Show; the Flying Horses; Signior Polito; the Fire-Eater; the +celebrated Mr. Paap; and the Irish Giant. The children, too, lavish all +their holiday money in toys and gilt gingerbread, and fill the house +with the Lilliputian din of drums, trumpets, and penny whistles. + +But the Lord mayor's Day is the great anniversary. The Lord Mayor +is looked up to by the inhabitants of Little Britain as the greatest +potentate upon earth; his gilt coach with six horses as the summit of +human splendor; and his procession, with all the Sheriffs and Aldermen +in his train, as the grandest of earthly pageants. How they exult in +the idea that the King himself dare not enter the city without first +knocking at the gate of Temple Bar, and asking permission of the Lord +Mayor: for if he did, heaven and earth! there is no knowing what might +be the consequence. The man in armor, who rides before the Lord mayor, +and is the city champion, has orders to cut down everybody that offends +against the dignity of the city; and then there is the little man with a +velvet porringer on his head, who sits at the window of the state-coach, +and holds the city sword, as long as a pike-staff--Odd's blood! If he +once draws that sword, Majesty itself is not safe! + +Under the protection of this mighty potentate, therefore, the good +people of Little Britain sleep in peace. Temple Bar is an effectual +barrier against all interior foes; and as to foreign invasion, the Lord +Mayor has but to throw himself into the Tower, call in the trainbands, +and put the standing army of Beef-eaters under arms, and he may bid +defiance to the world! + +Thus wrapped up in its own concerns, its own habits, and its own +opinions, Little Britain has long flourished as a sound heart to this +great fungous metropolis. I have pleased myself with considering it as +a chosen spot, where the principles of sturdy John Bullism were garnered +up, like seed corn, to renew the national character, when it had run +to waste and degeneracy. I have rejoiced also in the general spirit of +harmony that prevailed throughout it; for though there might now +and then be a few clashes of opinion between the adherents of the +cheesemonger and the apothecary, and an occasional feud between the +burial societies, yet these were but transient clouds, and soon passed +away. The neighbors met with good-will, parted with a shake of the hand, +and never abused each other except behind their backs. + +I could give rare descriptions of snug junketing parties at which I +have been present; where we played at All-fours, Pope-Joan, +Tome-come-tickle-me, and other choice old games; and where we sometimes +had a good old English country dance to the tune of Sir Roger de +Coverley. Once a year, also, the neighbors would gather together, and +go on a gypsy party to Epping Forest. It would have done any man's heart +good to see the merriment that took place here as we banqueted on +the grass under the trees. How we made the woods ring with bursts of +laughter at the songs of little Wagstaff and the merry undertaker! +After dinner, too, the young folks would play at blind-man's-buff and +hide-and-seek; and it was amusing to see them tangled among the briers, +and to hear a fine romping girl now and then squeak from among the +bushes. The elder folks would gather round the cheesemonger and the +apothecary to hear them talk politics; for they generally brought out a +newspaper in their pockets, to pass away time in the country. They +would now and then, to be sure, get a little warm in argument; but +their disputes were always adjusted by reference to a worthy old +umbrella-maker, in a double chin, who, never exactly comprehending the +subject, managed somehow or other to decide in favor of both parties. + +All empires, however, says some philosopher or historian, are doomed to +changes and revolutions. Luxury and innovation creep in; factions arise; +and families now and then spring up, whose ambition and intrigues +throw the whole system into confusion. Thus in latter days has the +tranquillity of Little Britain been grievously disturbed, and its golden +simplicity of manners threatened with total subversion by the aspiring +family of a retired butcher. + +The family of the Lambs had long been among the most thriving and +popular in the neighborhood; the Miss Lambs were the belles of Little +Britain, and everybody was pleased when Old Lamb had made money enough +to shut up shop, and put his name on a brass plate on his door. In an +evil hour, however, one of the Miss Lambs had the honor of being a lady +in attendance on the Lady Mayoress, at her grand annual ball, on which +occasion she wore three towering ostrich feathers on her head. The +family never got over it; they were immediately smitten with a passion +for high life; set up a one-horse carriage, put a bit of gold lace round +the errand boy's hat, and have been the talk and detestation of the +whole neighborhood ever since. They could no longer be induced to +play at Pope-Joan or blindman's-buff; they could endure no dances but +quadrilles, which nobody had ever heard of in Little Britain; and they +took to reading novels, talking bad French, and playing upon the piano. +Their brother, too, who had been articled to an attorney, set up for a +dandy and a critic, characters hitherto unknown in these parts; and +he confounded the worthy folks exceedingly by talking about Kean, the +opera, and the "Edinburgh Review." + +What was still worse, the Lambs gave a grand ball, to which they +neglected to invite any of their old neighbors; but they had a great +deal of genteel company from Theobald's Road, Red-Lion Square, and other +parts towards the west. There were several beaux of their brother's +acquaintance from Gray's Inn Lane and Hatton Garden; and not less +than three Aldermen's ladies with their daughters. This was not to be +forgotten or forgiven. All Little Britain was in an uproar with the +smacking of whips, the lashing of miserable horses, and the rattling and +the jingling of hackney coaches. The gossips of the neighborhood might +be seen popping their nightcaps out at every window, watching the crazy +vehicles rumble by; and there was a knot of virulent old cronies, that +kept a lookout from a house just opposite the retired butcher's, and +scanned and criticised every one that knocked at the door. + +This dance was a cause of almost open war, and the whole neighborhood +declared they would have nothing more to say to the Lambs. It is +true that Mrs. Lamb, when she had no engagements with her quality +acquaintance, would give little humdrum tea-junketings to some of her +old cronies, "quite," as she would say, "in a friendly way;" and it is +equally true that her invitations were always accepted, in spite of all +previous vows to the contrary. Nay, the good ladies would sit and be +delighted with the music of the Miss Lambs, who would condescend to +strum an Irish melody for them on the piano; and they would listen +with wonderful interest to Mrs. Lamb's anecdotes of Alderman Plunket's +family, of Portsokenward, and the Miss Timberlakes, the rich heiresses +of Crutched-Friars; but then they relieved their consciences, and +averted the reproaches of their confederates, by canvassing at the next +gossiping convocation everything that had passed, and pulling the Lambs +and their rout all to pieces. + +The only one of the family that could not be made fashionable was the +retired butcher himself. Honest Lamb, in spite of the meekness of his +name, was a rough, hearty old fellow, with the voice of a lion, a head +of black hair like a shoe-brush, and a broad face mottled like his own +beef. It was in vain that the daughters always spoke of him as "the old +gentleman," addressed him as "papa," in tones of infinite softness, +and endeavored to coax him into a dressing-gown and slippers, and other +gentlemanly habits. Do what they might, there was no keeping down the +butcher. His sturdy nature would break through all their glozings. He +had a hearty vulgar good-humor that was irrepressible. His very jokes +made his sensitive daughters shudder; and he persisted in wearing his +blue cotton coat of a morning, dining at two o'clock, and having a "bit +of sausage with his tea." + +He was doomed, however, to share the unpopularity of his family. He +found his old comrades gradually growing cold and civil to him; no +longer laughing at his jokes; and now and then throwing out a fling at +"some people," and a hint about "quality binding." This both nettled +and perplexed the honest butcher; and his wife and daughters, with +the consummate policy of the shrewder sex, taking advantage of the +circumstance, at length prevailed upon him to give up his afternoon's +pipe and tankard at Wagstaff's; to sit after dinner by himself, and +take his pint of port--a liquor he detested--and to nod in his chair in +solitary and dismal gentility. + +The Miss Lambs might now be seen flaunting along the streets in French +bonnets, with unknown beaux; and talking and laughing so loud that it +distressed the nerves of every good lady within hearing. They even +went so far as to attempt patronage, and actually induced a French +dancing-master to set up in the neighborhood; but the worthy folks of +Little Britain took fire at it, and did so persecute the poor Gaul that +he was fain to pack up fiddle and dancing-pumps, and decamp with such +precipitation that he absolutely forgot to pay for his lodgings. + +I had flattered myself, at first, with the idea that all this fiery +indignation on the part of the community was merely the overflowing of +their zeal for good old English manners, and their horror of innovation; +and I applauded the silent contempt they were so vociferous in +expressing, for upstart pride, French fashions, and the Miss Lambs. But +I grieve to say that I soon perceived the infection had taken hold; +and that my neighbors, after condemning, were beginning to follow their +example. I overheard my landlady importuning her husband to let their +daughters have one quarter at French and music, and that they might take +a few lessons in quadrille. I even saw, in the course of a few Sundays, +no less than five French bonnets, precisely like those of the Miss +Lambs, parading about Little Britain. + +I still had my hopes that all this folly would gradually die away; that +the Lambs might move out of the neighborhood; might die, or might run +away with attorneys' apprentices; and that quiet and simplicity might be +again restored to the community. But unluckily a rival power arose. An +opulent oilman died, and left a widow with a large jointure and a family +of buxom daughters. The young ladies had long been repining in secret +at the parsimony of a prudent father, which kept down all their elegant +aspirings. Their ambition, being now no longer restrained, broke out +into a blaze, and they openly took the field against the family of the +butcher. It is true that the Lambs, having had the first start, had +naturally an advantage of them in the fashionable career. They could +speak a little bad French, play the piano, dance quadrilles, and had +formed high acquaintances; but the Trotters were not to be distanced. +When the Lambs appeared with two feathers in their hats, the Miss +Trotters mounted four, and of twice as fine colors. If the Lambs gave +a dance, the Trotters were sure not to be behindhand: and though they +might not boast of as good company, yet they had double the number, and +were twice as merry. + +The whole community has at length divided itself into fashionable +factions, under the banners of these two families. The old games of +Pope-Joan and Tom-come-tickle-me are entirely discarded; there is no +such thing as getting up an honest country dance; and on my attempting +to kiss a young lady under the mistletoe last Christmas, I was +indignantly repulsed; the Miss Lambs having pronounced it "shocking +vulgar." Bitter rivalry has also broken out as to the most fashionable +part of Little Britain; the Lambs standing up for the dignity of +the Cross-Keys Square, and the Trotters for the vicinity of St. +Bartholomew's. + +Thus is this little territory torn by factions and internal dissensions, +like the great empire who name it bears; and what will be the result +would puzzle the apothecary himself, with all his talent at prognostics, +to determine; though I apprehend that it will terminate in the total +downfall of genuine John Bullism. + +The immediate effects are extremely unpleasant to me. Being a single +man, and, as I observed before, rather an idle good-for-nothing +personage, I have been considered the only gentleman by profession in +the place. I stand therefore in high favor with both parties, and have +to hear all their cabinet councils and mutual backbitings. As I am too +civil not to agree with the ladies on all occasions, I have committed +myself most horribly with both parties, by abusing their opponents. +I might manage to reconcile this to my conscience, which is a truly +accommodating one, but I cannot to my apprehension--if the Lambs and +Trotters ever come to a reconciliation, and compare notes, I am ruined! + +I have determined, therefore, to beat a retreat in time, and am actually +looking out for some other nest in this great city, where old English +manners are still kept up; where French is neither eaten, drunk, danced, +nor spoken; and where there are no fashionable families of retired +tradesmen. This found, I will, like a veteran rat, hasten away before I +have an old house about my ears; bid a long, though a sorrowful, adieu +to my present abode, and leave the rival factions of the Lambs and the +Trotters to divide the distracted empire of LITTLE BRITAIN. + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Little Britain, by Washington Irving + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LITTLE BRITAIN *** + +***** This file should be named 877.txt or 877.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/8/7/877/ + +Produced by Anthony J. Adam and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Adam +email anthony-adam@tamu.edu + + + + + +Little Britain + +by Washington Irving + + + + + +What I write is most true...I have a whole booke of cases +lying by me which if I should sette foorth, some grave auntients +(within the hearing of Bow bell) would be out of charity with me. + +NASHE. + + + +IN the centre of the great city of London lies a small +neighborhood, consisting of a cluster of narrow streets and +courts, of very venerable and debilitated houses, which goes +by the name of LITTLE BRITAIN. Christ Church School and +St. Bartholomew's Hospital bound it on the west; Smithfield and +Long Lane on the north; Aldersgate Street, like an arm of the +sea, divides it from the eastern part of the city; whilst the +yawning gulf of Bull-and-Mouth Street separates it from +Butcher Lane, and the regions of Newgate. Over this little +territory, thus bounded and designated, the great dome of St. +Paul's, swelling above the intervening houses of Paternoster +Row, Amen Corner, and Ave Maria Lane, looks down with an +air of motherly protection. + +This quarter derives its appellation from having been, in +ancient times, the residence of the Dukes of Brittany. As +London increased, however, rank and fashion rolled off to the +west, and trade, creeping on at their heels, took possession of +their deserted abodes. For some time Little Britain became the +great mart of learning, and was peopled by the busy and +prolific race of booksellers; these also gradually deserted it, +and, emigrating beyond the great strait of Newgate Street, +settled down in Paternoster Row and St. Paul's Churchyard, +where they continue to increase and multiply even at the +present day. + +But though thus falling into decline, Little Britain still bears +traces of its former splendor. There are several houses ready +to tumble down, the fronts of which are magnificently enriched +with old oaken carvings of hideous faces, unknown birds, +beasts, and fishes; and fruits and flowers which it would +perplex a naturalist to classify. There are also, in Aldersgate +Street, certain remains of what were once spacious and lordly +family mansions, but which have in latter days been subdivided +into several tenements. Here may often be found the family of +a petty tradesman, with its trumpery furniture, burrowing +among the relics of antiquated finery, in great, rambling, time- +stained apartments, with fretted ceilings, gilded cornices, and +enormous marble fireplaces. The lanes and courts also contain +many smaller houses, not on so grand a scale, but, like your +small ancient gentry, sturdily maintaining their claims to equal +antiquity. These have their gable ends to the street; great bow- +windows, with diamond panes set in lead, grotesque carvings, +and low arched door-ways. + +In this most venerable and sheltered little nest have I passed +several quiet years of existence, comfortably lodged in the +second floor of one of the smallest but oldest edifices. My +sitting-room is an old wainscoted chamber, with small panels, +and set off with a miscellaneous array of furniture. I have a +particular respect for three or four high-backed claw-footed +chairs, covered with tarnished brocade, which bear the marks +of having seen better days, and have doubtless figured in some +of the old palaces of Little Britain. They seem to me to keep +together, and to look down with sovereign contempt upon +their leathern-bottomed neighbors: as I have seen decayed +gentry carry a high head among the plebeian society with which +they were reduced to associate. The whole front of my sitting- +room is taken up with a bow-window, on the panes of which +are recorded the names of previous occupants for many +generations, mingled with scraps of very indifferent +gentlemanlike poetry, written in characters which I can scarcely +decipher, and which extol the charms of many a beauty of +Little Britain who has long, long since bloomed, faded, and +passed away. As I am an idle personage, with no apparent +occupation, and pay my bill regularly every week, I am looked +upon as the only independent gentleman of the neighborhood; +and, being curious to learn the internal state of a community so +apparently shut up within itself, I have managed to work my +way into all the concerns and secrets of the place. + +Little Britain may truly be called the heart's core of the city; +the stronghold of true John Bullism. It is a fragment of +London as it was in its better days, with its antiquated folks +and fashions. Here flourish in great preservation many of the +holiday games and customs of yore. The inhabitants most +religiously eat pancakes on Shrove Tuesday, hot-cross-buns on +Good Friday, and roast goose at Michaelmas; they send love- +letters on Valentine's Day, burn the pope on the fifth of +November, and kiss all the girls under the mistletoe at +Christmas. Roast beef and plum pudding are also held in +superstitious veneration, and port and sherry maintain their +grounds as the only true English wines; all others being +considered vile, outlandish beverages. + +Little Britain has its long catalogue of city wonders, which its +inhabitants consider the wonders of the world: such as the +great bell of St. Paul's, which sours all the beer when it tolls; +the figures that strike the hours at St. Dunstan's clock; the +Monument; the lions in the Tower; and the wooden giants in +Guildhall. They still believe in dreams and fortune-telling, and +an old woman that lives in Bull-and-Mouth Street makes a +tolerable subsistence by detecting stolen goods, and promising +the girls good husbands. They are apt to be rendered +uncomfortable by comets and eclipses; and if a dog howls +dolefully at night, it is looked upon as a sure sign of a death +in +the place. There are even many ghost stories current, +particularly concerning the old mansion-houses; in several of +which it is said strange sights are sometimes seen. Lords and +ladies, the former in full bottomed wigs, hanging sleeves, and +swords, the latter in lappets, stays, hoops and brocade, have +been seen walking up and down the great waste chambers, on +moonlight nights; and are supposed to be the shades of the +ancient proprietors in their court-dresses. + +Little Britain has likewise its sages and great men. One of +the most important of the former is a tall, dry old gentleman, of +the name of Skryme, who keeps a small apothecary's shop. He +has a cadaverous countenance, full of cavities and projections; +with a brown circle round each eye, like a pair of horned +spectacles. He is much thought of by the old women, who +consider him a kind of conjurer, because he has two of three +stuffed alligators hanging up in his shop, and several snakes in +bottles. He is a great reader of almanacs and newspapers, and +is much given to pore over alarming accounts of plots, +conspiracies, fires, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions; which +last phenomena he considers as signs of the times. He has +always some dismal tale of the kind to deal out to his customers, +with their doses; and thus at the same time puts both soul and +body into an uproar. He is a great believer in omens and +predictions; and has the prophecies of Robert Nixon and +Mother Shipton by heart. No man can make so much out of an +eclipse, or even an unusually dark day; and he shook the tail of +the last comet over the heads of his customers and disciples +until they were nearly frightened out of their wits. He has +lately got hold of a popular legend or prophecy, on which he +has been unusually eloquent. There has been a saying current +among the ancient sibyls, who treasure up these things, that +when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange shook hands +with the dragon on the top of Bow Church Steeple, fearful +events would take place. This strange conjunction, it seems, has +as strangely come to pass. The same architect has been engaged +lately on the repairs of the cupola of the Exchange, and the +steeple of Bow church; and, fearful to relate, the dragon and +the grasshopper actually lie, cheek by jole, in the yard of his +workshop. + +"Others," as Mr. Skryme is accustomed to say, "may go star- +gazing, and look for conjunctions in the heavens, but here is a +conjunction on the earth, near at home, and under our own eyes, +which surpasses all the signs and calculations of astrologers." +Since these portentous weathercocks have thus laid their heads +together, wonderful events had already occurred. The good +old king, notwithstanding that he had lived eighty-two years, +had all at once given up the ghost; another king had mounted +the throne; a royal duke had died suddenly,--another, in +France, had been murdered; there had been radical meetings in +all parts of the kingdom; the bloody scenes at Manchester; the +great plot of Cato Street; and above all, the queen had returned +to England! All these sinister events are recounted by Mr. +Skryme, with a mysterious look, and a dismal shake of the +head; and being taken with his drugs, and associated in the +minds of his auditors with stuffed sea-monsters, bottled +serpents, and his own visage, which is a title-page of +tribulation, they have spread great gloom through the minds of +the people of Little Britain. They shake their heads whenever +they go by Bow Church, and observe, that they never expected +any good to come of taking down that steeple, which in old +times told nothing but glad tidings, as the history of +Whittington and his Cat bears witness. + +The rival oracle of Little Britain is a substantial +cheesemonger, who lives in a fragment of one of the old family +mansions, and is as magnificently lodged as a round-bellied +mite in the midst of one of his own Cheshires. Indeed, he is a +man of no little standing and importance; and his renown +extends through Huggin Lane, and Lad Lane, and even unto +Aldermanbury. His opinion is very much taken in affairs of +state, having read the Sunday papers for the last half century, +together with the "Gentleman's Magazine," Rapin's "History of +England," and the "Naval Chronicle." His head is stored with +invaluable maxims which have borne the test of time and use +for centuries. It is his firm opinion that "it is a moral +impossible," so long as England is true to herself, that anything +can shake her; and he has much to say on the subject of the +national debt, which, somehow or other, he proves to be a +great national bulwark and blessing. He passed the greater part +of his life in the purlieus of Little Britain, until of late +years, +when, having become rich, and grown into the dignity of a +Sunday cane, he begins to take his pleasure and see the world. +He has therefore made several excursions to Hampstead, +Highgate, and other neighboring towns, where he has passed +whole afternoons in looking back upon the metropolis through +a telescope, and endeavoring to descry the steeple of St. +Bartholomew's. Not a stage-coachman of Bull-and-Mouth +Street but touches his hat as he passes; and he is considered +quite a patron at the coach-office of the Goose and Gridiron, +St. Paul's churchyard. His family have been very urgent for +him to make an expedition to Margate, but he has great doubts +of those new gimcracks, the steamboats, and indeed thinks +himself too advanced in life to undertake sea-voyages. + +Little Britain has occasionally its factions and divisions, and +party spirit ran very high at one time in consequence of two +rival "Burial Societies" being set up in the place. One held its +meeting at the Swan and Horse Shoe, and was patronized by the +cheesemonger; the other at the Cock and Crown, under the +auspices of the apothecary; it is needless to say that the latter +was the most flourishing. I have passed an evening or two at +each, and have acquired much valuable information, as to the +best mode of being buried, the comparative merits of +churchyards, together with divers hints on the subject of +patent-iron coffins. I have heard the question discussed in all +its bearings as to the legality of prohibiting the latter on +account of their durability. The feuds occasioned by these +societies have happily died of late; but they were for a long +time prevailing themes of controversy, the people of Little +Britain being extremely solicitous of funereal honors and of +lying comfortably in their graves. + +Besides these two funeral societies there is a third of quite a +different cast, which tends to throw the sunshine of good- +humor over the whole neighborhood. It meets once a week at +a little old-fashioned house, kept by a jolly publican of the +name of Wagstaff, and bearing for insignia a resplendent half- +moon, with a most seductive bunch of grapes. The old edifice +is covered with inscriptions to catch the eye of the thirsty +wayfarer, such as "Truman, Hanbury, and Co.'s Entire," "Wine, +Rum, and Brandy Vaults," "Old Tom, Rum and Compounds, +etc." This indeed has been a temple of Bacchus and Momus +from time immemorial. It ha always been in the family of the +Wagstaffs, so that its history is tolerably preserved by the +present landlord. It was much frequented by the gallants and +cavalieros of the reign of Elizabeth, and was looked into now +and then by the wits of Charles the Second's day. But what +Wagstaff principally prides himself upon is, that Henry the +Eighth, in one of his nocturnal rambles, broke the head of one +of his ancestors with his famous walking-staff. This, however, +is considered as a rather dubious and vainglorious boast of the +landlord. + +The club which now holds its weekly sessions here goes by +the name of "The Roaring Lads of Little Britain." They +abound in old catches, glees, and choice stories, that are +traditional in the place, and not to be met with in any other +part +of the metropolis. There is a madcap undertaker who is +inimitable at a merry song; but the life of the club, and indeed +the prime wit of Little Britain, is bully Wagstaff himself. His +ancestors were all wags before him, and he has inherited with +the inn a large stock of songs and jokes, which go with it from +generation to generation as heirlooms. He is a dapper little +fellow, with bandy legs and pot belly, a red face, with a moist, +merry eye, and a little shock of gray hair behind. At the +opening of every club night he is called in to sing his +"Confession of Faith," which is the famous old drinking trowl +from "Gammer Gurton's Needle." He sings it, to be sure, with +many variations, as he received it from his father's lips; for it +has been a standing favorite at the Half-Moon and Bunch of +Grapes ever since it was written; nay, he affirms that his +predecessors have often had the honor of singing it before the +nobility and gentry at Christmas mummeries, when Little +Britain was in all its glory. + +It would do one's heart good to hear, on a club night, the +shouts of merriment, the snatches of song, and now and then +the choral bursts of half a dozen discordant voices, which issue +from this jovial mansion. At such times the street is lined with +listeners, who enjoy a delight equal to that of gazing into a +confectioner's window, or snuffing up the steams of a +cookshop. + +There are two annual events which produce great stir and +sensation in Little Britain; these are St. Bartholomew's Fair, +and the Lord Mayor's Day. During the time of the fair, which +is held in the adjoining regions of Smithfield, there is nothing +going on but gossiping and gadding about. The late quiet +streets of Little Britain are overrun with an irruption of +strange +figures and faces; every tavern is a scene of rout and revel. +The fiddle and the song are heard from the tap-room, morning, +noon, and night; and at each window may be seen some group +of boon companions, with half-shut eyes, hats on one side, pipe +in mouth, and tankard in hand, fondling, and prosing, and +singing maudlin songs over their liquor. Even the sober +decorum of private families, which I must say is rigidly kept up +at other times among my neighbors, is no proof against this +Saturnalia. There is no such thing as keeping maid-servants +within doors. Their brains are absolutely set madding with +Punch and the Puppet Show; the Flying Horses; Signior Polito; +the Fire-Eater; the celebrated Mr. Paap; and the Irish Giant. +The children, too, lavish all their holiday money in toys and +gilt +gingerbread, and fill the house with the Lilliputian din of +drums, trumpets, and penny whistles. + +But the Lord mayor's Day is the great anniversary. The Lord +Mayor is looked up to by the inhabitants of Little Britain as the +greatest potentate upon earth; his gilt coach with six horses as +the summit of human splendor; and his procession, with all the +Sheriffs and Aldermen in his train, as the grandest of earthly +pageants. How they exult in the idea that the King himself +dare not enter the city without first knocking at the gate of +Temple Bar, and asking permission of the Lord Mayor: for if +he did, heaven and earth! there is no knowing what might be +the consequence. The man in armor, who rides before the +Lord mayor, and is the city champion, has orders to cut down +everybody that offends against the dignity of the city; and then +there is the little man with a velvet porringer on his head, who +sits at the window of the state-coach, and holds the city sword, +as long as a pike-staff--Odd's blood! If he once draws that +sword, Majesty itself is not safe! + +Under the protection of this mighty potentate, therefore, the +good people of Little Britain sleep in peace. Temple Bar is an +effectual barrier against all interior foes; and as to foreign +invasion, the Lord Mayor has but to throw himself into the +Tower, call in the trainbands, and put the standing army of +Beef-eaters under arms, and he may bid defiance to the world! + + Thus wrapped up in its own concerns, its own habits, and its +own opinions, Little Britain has long flourished as a sound +heart to this great fungous metropolis. I have pleased myself +with considering it as a chosen spot, where the principles of +sturdy John Bullism were garnered up, like seed corn, to renew +the national character, when it had run to waste and +degeneracy. I have rejoiced also in the general spirit of +harmony that prevailed throughout it; for though there might +now and then be a few clashes of opinion between the +adherents of the cheesemonger and the apothecary, and an +occasional feud between the burial societies, yet these were but +transient clouds, and soon passed away. The neighbors met +with good-will, parted with a shake of the hand, and never +abused each other except behind their backs. + +I could give rare descriptions of snug junketing parties at +which I have been present; where we played at All-fours, Pope- +Joan, Tome-come-tickle-me, and other choice old games; and +where we sometimes had a good old English country dance to +the tune of Sir Roger de Coverley. Once a year, also, the +neighbors would gather together, and go on a gypsy party to +Epping Forest. It would have done any man's heart good to +see the merriment that took place here as we banqueted on the +grass under the trees. How we made the woods ring with +bursts of laughter at the songs of little Wagstaff and the merry +undertaker! After dinner, too, the young folks would play at +blind-man's-buff and hide-and-seek; and it was amusing to see +them tangled among the briers, and to hear a fine romping girl +now and then squeak from among the bushes. The elder folks +would gather round the cheesemonger and the apothecary to +hear them talk politics; for they generally brought out a +newspaper in their pockets, to pass away time in the country. +They would now and then, to be sure, get a little warm in +argument; but their disputes were always adjusted by reference +to a worthy old umbrellamaker, in a double chin, who, never +exactly comprehending the subject, managed somehow or other +to decide in favor of both parties. + +All empires, however, says some philosopher or historian, are +doomed to changes and revolutions. Luxury and innovation +creep in; factions arise; and families now and then spring up, +whose ambition and intrigues throw the whole system into +confusion. Thus in latter days has the tranquillity of Little +Britain been grievously disturbed, and its golden simplicity of +manners threatened with total subversion by the aspiring family +of a retired butcher. + +The family of the Lambs had long been among the most +thriving and popular in the neighborhood; the Miss Lambs +were the belles of Little Britain, and everybody was pleased +when Old Lamb had made money enough to shut up shop, and +put his name on a brass plate on his door. In an evil hour, +however, one of the Miss Lambs had the honor of being a lady +in attendance on the Lady Mayoress, at her grand annual ball, +on which occasion she wore three towering ostrich feathers on +her head. The family never got over it; they were immediately +smitten with a passion for high life; set up a one-horse +carriage, +put a bit of gold lace round the errand boy's hat, and have been +the talk and detestation of the whole neighborhood ever since. +They could no longer be induced to play at Pope-Joan or blind- +man's-buff; they could endure no dances but quadrilles, which +nobody had ever heard of in Little Britain; and they took to +reading novels, talking bad French, and playing upon the piano. +Their brother, too, who had been articled to an attorney, set up +for a dandy and a critic, characters hitherto unknown in these +parts; and he confounded the worthy folks exceedingly by +talking about Kean, the opera, and the "Edinburgh Review." + +What was still worse, the Lambs gave a grand ball, to which +they neglected to invite any of their old neighbors; but they had +a great deal of genteel company from Theobald's Road, Red- +Lion Square, and other parts towards the west. There were +several beaux of their brother's acquaintance from Gray's Inn +Lane and Hatton Garden; and not less than three Aldermen's +ladies with their daughters. This was not to be forgotten or +forgiven. All Little Britain was in an uproar with the smacking +of whips, the lashing of miserable horses, and the rattling and +the jingling of hackney coaches. The gossips of the +neighborhood might be seen popping their nightcaps out at +every window, watching the crazy vehicles rumble by; and +there was a knot of virulent old cronies, that kept a lookout +from a house just opposite the retired butcher's, and scanned +and criticised every one that knocked at the door. + +This dance was a cause of almost open war, and the whole +neighborhood declared they would have nothing more to say to +the Lambs. It is true that Mrs. Lamb, when she had no +engagements with her quality acquaintance, would give little +humdrum tea-junketings to some of her old cronies, "quite," as +she would say, "in a friendly way;" and it is equally true that +her invitations were always accepted, in spite of all previous +vows to the contrary. Nay, the good ladies would sit and be +delighted with the music of the Miss Lambs, who would +condescend to strum an Irish melody for them on the piano; +and they would listen with wonderful interest to Mrs. Lamb's +anecdotes of Alderman Plunket's family, of Portsokenward, +and the Miss Timberlakes, the rich heiresses of Crutched-Friars; +but then they relieved their consciences, and averted the +reproaches of their confederates, by canvassing at the next +gossiping convocation everything that had passed, and pulling +the Lambs and their rout all to pieces. + +The only one of the family that could not be made +fashionable was the retired butcher himself. Honest Lamb, in +spite of the meekness of his name, was a rough, hearty old +fellow, with the voice of a lion, a head of black hair like a +shoe- +brush, and a broad face mottled like his own beef. It was in +vain that the daughters always spoke of him as "the old +gentleman," addressed him as "papa," in tones of infinite +softness, and endeavored to coax him into a dressing-gown and +slippers, and other gentlemanly habits. Do what they might, +there was no keeping down the butcher. His sturdy nature +would break through all their glozings. He had a hearty vulgar +good-humor that was irrepressible. His very jokes made his +sensitive daughters shudder; and he persisted in wearing his +blue cotton coat of a morning, dining at two o'clock, and +having a "bit of sausage with his tea." + +He was doomed, however, to share the unpopularity of his +family. He found his old comrades gradually growing cold and +civil to him; no longer laughing at his jokes; and now and then +throwing out a fling at "some people," and a hint about "quality +binding." This both nettled and perplexed the honest butcher; +and his wife and daughters, with the consummate policy of the +shrewder sex, taking advantage of the circumstance, at length +prevailed upon him to give up his afternoon's pipe and tankard +at Wagstaff's; to sit after dinner by himself, and take his pint +of +port--a liquor he detested--and to nod in his chair in solitary +and dismal gentility. + +The Miss Lambs might now be seen flaunting along the +streets in French bonnets, with unknown beaux; and talking +and laughing so loud that it distressed the nerves of every good +lady within hearing. They even went so far as to attempt +patronage, and actually induced a French dancing-master to set +up in the neighborhood; but the worthy folks of Little Britain +took fire at it, and did so persecute the poor Gaul that he was +fain to pack up fiddle and dancing-pumps, and decamp with +such precipitation that he absolutely forgot to pay for his +lodgings. + +I had flattered myself, at first, with the idea that all this +fiery +indignation on the part of the community was merely the +overflowing of their zeal for good old English manners, and +their horror of innovation; and I applauded the silent contempt +they were so vociferous in expressing, for upstart pride, French +fashions, and the Miss Lambs. But I grieve to say that I soon +perceived the infection had taken hold; and that my neighbors, +after condemning, were beginning to follow their example. I +overheard my landlady importuning her husband to let their +daughters have one quarter at French and music, and that they +might take a few lessons in quadrille. I even saw, in the course +of a few Sundays, no less than five French bonnets, precisely +like those of the Miss Lambs, parading about Little Britain. + +I still had my hopes that all this folly would gradually die +away; that the Lambs might move out of the neighborhood; +might die, or might run away with attorneys' apprentices; and +that quiet and simplicity might be again restored to the +community. But unluckily a rival power arose. An opulent +oilman died, and left a widow with a large jointure and a family +of buxom daughters. The young ladies had long been repining +in secret at the parsimony of a prudent father, which kept down +all their elegant aspirings. Their ambition, being now no longer +restrained, broke out into a blaze, and they openly took the +field against the family of the butcher. It is true that the +Lambs, having had the first start, had naturally an advantage of +them in the fashionable career. They could speak a little bad +French, play the piano, dance quadrilles, and had formed high +acquaintances; but the Trotters were not to be distanced. +When the Lambs appeared with two feathers in their hats, the +Miss Trotters mounted four, and of twice as fine colors. If the +Lambs gave a dance, the Trotters were sure not to be +behindhand: and though they might not boast of as good +company, yet they had double the number, and were twice as +merry. + +The whole community has at length divided itself into +fashionable factions, under the banners of these two families. +The old games of Pope-Joan and Tom-come-tickle-me are +entirely discarded; there is no such thing as getting up an +honest country dance; and on my attempting to kiss a young +lady under the mistletoe last Christmas, I was indignantly +repulsed; the Miss Lambs having pronounced it "shocking +vulgar." Bitter rivalry has also broken out as to the most +fashionable part of Little Britain; the Lambs standing up for the +dignity of the Cross-Keys Square, and the Trotters for the +vicinity of St. Bartholomew's. + +Thus is this little territory torn by factions and internal +dissensions, like the great empire who name it bears; and what +will be the result would puzzle the apothecary himself, with all +his talent at prognostics, to determine; though I apprehend that +it will terminate in the total downfall of genuine John Bullism. + +The immediate effects are extremely unpleasant to me. +Being a single man, and, as I observed before, rather an idle +good-for-nothing personage, I have been considered the only +gentleman by profession in the place. I stand therefore in high +favor with both parties, and have to hear all their cabinet +councils and mutual backbitings. As I am too civil not to agree +with the ladies on all occasions, I have committed myself most +horribly with both parties, by abusing their opponents. I might +manage to reconcile this to my conscience, which is a truly +accommodating one, but I cannot to my apprehension--if the +Lambs and Trotters ever come to a reconciliation, and compare +notes, I am ruined! + +I have determined, therefore, to beat a retreat in time, and am +actually looking out for some other nest in this great city, +where old English manners are still kept up; where French is +neither eaten, drunk, danced, nor spoken; and where there are +no fashionable families of retired tradesmen. This found, I +will, +like a veteran rat, hasten away before I have an old house +about my ears; bid a long, though a sorrowful, adieu to my +present abode, and leave the rival factions of the Lambs and +the Trotters to divide the distracted empire of LITTLE BRITAIN. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of Little Britain, by Washington Irving + diff --git a/old/lbrit10.zip b/old/lbrit10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0c59bdf --- /dev/null +++ b/old/lbrit10.zip |